#Anthony’s delivery on that line fucking kills me every time

[keepin-it-on-the-d-l]

When Tony Pepperoni said “I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO FIX ME OR KILL ME” I felt that. /j

[i-write-sin-not-tragedy]

Top 5 hazbin line deliveries and why, please?

Aaaaaa this was hard bc i genuinely adore so many of them but i picked 5 that really stick in my head!

5. Voxs whiney "fuuuuuck" at the end of "Stayed Gone"

Like i just really liked the delivery on it LOL its so silly and funny and just pathetic and it gave me a good laugh. I love Vox

4. "Haha! fuck you."

Like. Do i even need to explain. Its fantastic. Amir said "fuck" with his enitre chest and it sent me into hysterical laughter the first time i heard it. What a fantastic way to drop Alastors first f-bomb

3. "I am the princess of Hell, Angel, and I go where I Please!"

I just really love the silly over the top voice Charlie does here kwkfkekdk its so drama and theater kid of her, and I like the idea that shes being silly to try and ease Angels Nerves :')

2. "Yes, Valentino."

Am I allowed to say the enitre dressing room scene?? Blakes performance here was outstanding. The way he conveys the shift in Angels attitude, how his voice slips to something deeper, his stronger accent, the way you can fully and truely hear Angel drop his act completely. The way you hear him just be Anthony. But specifically the "Yes, Valentino." Line where his voice gets deep absolutely kills me.

1. "Charlie. It's fine. I get it."

I just. I???? Wkdmwkckwkk!?!?

The way his voice gets *so soft*

I am not ashamed to say I've listened to this scene like 60 times LOL its so goddamn sweet and soft and i do not have the correct words to describe the way Angels voice sounds when he says Charlies name besides "soft."

I melt into a fucking puddle every single time i hear it.

Favorite line hands down

[peremadeleine]

watching Red Dragon and Silence back-to-back was definitely interesting

for one thing, it’s fascinating to see how much Ted Tally took from his original script for Red Dragon (especially in the conversations between the respective leads and Hannibal...and at one point Crawford says “Lecter said a lot of things,” which is of course Ardelia’s line to Clarice)

for another, while I’ve always considered Red Dragon a perfectly serviceable, even a pretty good, movie and adaptation--which it certainly is--the difference between it and Silence is astonishingly wide. to a lesser extent the same is true of the book (you all know that I think Clarice is simply a better character). yet the stark difference between the two films--“this is fine” vs. “this is phenomenal”--came into pretty sharp focus watching one right after the other.

my dad pointed out that Howard Shore’s score and the cinematography had a lot to do with the effectiveness of Silence, as did the pacing. a lot of the delivery in Red Dragon (especially coming from Ed Norton’s Will, which is disappointing because I know he’s a good actor) comes off as a little rushed and a little rote. yet the movie still dragged, for me, to the point that I committed the sin of fast-forwarding through some of Dolarhyde’s scenes even though Dolarhyde is, to me, by far the most compelling and sympathetic of the trilogy’s villains!

and frankly the performances, well...they don’t compare. with the exception of a few scenes, Ed Norton felt like he was playing a role. he’s barely angry when Will is supposed to be angry. he’s just strangely even-keel, one-note. (I notice they also pulled way back on making him an alcoholic.) even Anthony Hopkins’ spontaneity, if that’s the right word, as Lecter is diminished--the scene where he’s on the phone getting Will’s home address to me fell flat because the energy and effort weren’t there (no chewing gum, no cutesy “charming” accent...) and I can hardly blame the man: he wanted to play his probably favorite role one more time, but twelve years had passed. and Dolarhyde is fine; there’s nothing wrong with Ralph Fiennes, he can hold his own against anyone, but his character just doesn’t come off properly on screen for me--he didn’t in Manhunter, either.

I will say that I really like Harvey Keitel’s Crawford. I don’t think I like him better than Scott Glenn, but I like him as much as Glenn. Keitel is kind of the “cop” side of Crawford (vs. the “lawyer” side of Glenn’s). he wouldn’t, probably, have worked in Silence at all, but he’s good in Red Dragon. I also think Molly was cast perfectly...she’s not much of a character, though, and her big moment at the climax is given mostly to Will. (Speaking of: why can no adaptation of this story commit to scarring up Will’s face in the end???)

oh, and that dinner-and-a-show scene in the cell...who the fuck consented to give Lecter metal utensils? that took me right out of it and ruined my suspension of disbelief, because ain’t no way anybody giving that boy a fork.

Ted Tally is fantastic, I wish he’d written a faithful adaptation of the final book too--that said, for the love of God, the line in Hannibal’s letter to Will is “any rational society would either kill me or give me my books” and there was no need to change that. D<

all that to say...we popped in Silence, in theory, because it was Sir Tony’s birthday--as usual, however, by the 20-minute mark, I kind of forgot I was watching it for him, because it is utterly Jodie Foster’s film. don’t get me wrong, his performance is worthy of its hype and its awards. but you end up watching the movie for Clarice, and that’s as it should be. sure, she’s not as rich a character on screen as she is in the books, but the performance is still absolutely stellar and captivating and basically I spent every two minutes thinking “god I love her” over and over. that first scene between them in particular just crackles because they are both masters of their craft (acting that is) and they are both killing it and it’s a wonderful thing to behold. her delivery is never rushed and I don’t think it ever hits a false note. 

I no longer picture Jodie when I read the books, not like I did when I first read them (no, bless him, do I picture Tony as Hannibal)--that said, I still think she owns that role on-screen. I’ll never understand how more people are not head-over-heels in love with Jodie’s Starling, because God, I am.

also this exchange...

Jack Crawford is helping your career. Apparently he likes you and you like him.

I never thought about it.

Do you think Jack Crawford wants you, sexually? True, he is much older, but do you think he visualises scenarios, exchanges, fucking you?

I almost laughed out loud last night, because...Hannibal’s got it bad, doesn’t he? “true, he is much older, but...”--he’s talking about himself, even if he’s not yet aware of it. 

he’s becoming aware of it, of course. later...

Don't you feel eyes moving over your body, Clarice? And don't your eyes seek out the things you want?

not in a crude way, necessarily, but aren’t his own eyes doing that? he draws her, repeatedly, after all. and doesn’t he himself visualize scenarios and exchanges with this woman he’d like to know in private life (wink wink)? it’s no wonder Sir Tony, who had to memorize and deliver this script who knows how many times, shipped it in the early 90s!

a few small things I didn’t like as much as the book, though: Barney putting out the chair for Clarice (in the book it’s Hannibal’s idea, his way of being a courteous host...a sign of his esteem for this no-name young woman, esteem he’s never shown any other visitor in the asylum before) and almost everyone calling her “Clarice” instead of “Starling” (in the book Hannibal is p. much the only one, other than her parents, who calls her by her first name, which makes it more intimate and significant)

anyway...just some very disorganized observations and thoughts. also the rat-tail on Lecter was a sin for which someone must atone. that’s all!

[loki-fanfic-whore]

They Call Me Medic ch.5

Warnings- adult situations

@drakesfiance @tarithenurse @kimanne723

Chapter 5 proposition

Loki PoV

As I stood to leave her unbelievably small and under furnished apartment I gently tossed the envelope on the table. I turned in time to see her begin to fall. I caught and steadied her the best I could. Stult whispered to me she had taken sleeping pills.

I released her and stepped outside into the brisk chilly air. Stult stepped out behind me and I smiled as the door was practically slammed in our faces. Turning to my 'idiot lackey' I chuckled quietly.

"I want every scrap of information you can find on her....we need a new medic and she seems to fit the mold." I spoke as I sparked a match and lit a cigerette.

Stult looked at me in suprise with his steel grey eyes before bowing in respect.

"I expected to be scolded first to be honest." He spoke casually as we walked towards my SUV.

"You will be... just not right now...we have more pressing matters. I need to return to the compound and deal with a few....loose ends... as well as see to some documentation about a few shipments..." I took a long drag off my cigerette as my mind slowly wandered between real work and how her body looked in shorts and a tank top, How she handled a weapon, and how she seemed to drip domination from every syllable she uttered.

As I sat back against the seat I took another long drag off of my cigerette before exhaling.

"I want your research to be top priority right now. I want it as soon as possible." I reminded him.

"Yes boss. I get it. You want to know all about the hot medic." He grinned and chuckled.

I eyed him warily then motioned the driver onward.

We drove in silence for a good portion of the ride, until Stult looked up from his phone.

"She was abused.... she was sent to testify in a trial as a witness for alleged rape and abuse. She is a Leo. Twenty five years old, Has had three major surgeries, mother was a paramedic. Father still is a sheriff-" he was rambling on about what he found. I raised my eyebrows at him.

"Tell me more about the trial." I mumbled as my head reeled.

"The state versus Jonathan Nikols. It was three years ago. He was accused of kidnapping, raping and beating...her..." Nathan's eyes widdened as he glanced up at me.

My face was stone cold but my eyes held an intense rage.

"Who is he?" I spoke calmly. The idea someone had kidnapped and raped her explained why she was so guarded.

"Fucking Jesus Christ Loki...." was the only response I got back. He tossed his cell phone towards me. I caught it and began reading.

'On the 21st of April the defendant Jonathan Nickols broke into the home of one Alesana Nickols. The defendant drugged Ms. Nickols and removed her from her residence and placed her into the trunk of his 94 Honda Civic. He then drove across state lines and eventually border lines into Canada where he secluded her in a cabin continuing to drug and rape her for several months. The only way the victim was able to escape was through faking a pregnancy and demanding to see a doctor. Once at the doctors office the victim begged the doctor to help her escape her captor. Jonathan Nickols is a rapist, kidnapper, and the victims own brother.'

My eyes grew wide. Jesus christ indeed.

"Yeah I see you got to the same part I did." Stult wiped his face and let out an audible groan.

"Boss...she comes with baggage..." he looked out the window.

"So do we all." I replied as I pulled my compact beretta out and checked the clip.

We had just pulled up to the compound and inside should be four men tied, gagged, and beaten. It was time to get information from these loose ends.

Walking inside I found several of my men torturing the four.

Stepping in I quickly held my beretta to the first forehead. The other three could clearly see me and him.

"So tell me Anthony....why did my shipment go missing? I entrusted it to your gang for safe delivery and now I am out a lot of money." I spoke coolly. This had become routine for me. Killing was just another thing on my to do list.

The gentleman whom had my pistol against his skull squeezed his eyes tight and chewed on the gag.

"Come come now Anthony...you have a beautiful wife and even a baby daughter I hear.... wouldn't it be a terrible thing if daddy couldn't come home?" I cooed gently as I watched the man begin to shake.

I squeezed the trigger and sighed heavily as his brain matter splattered the ground. Walking to the next man in line who seems to have already wet himself. He was begging through the gag.

"Now....Jacob...Please assist me where Anthony could not. Where did my shipment go?" I used one finger to pull the gag from his mouth.

"Pl-ease don't kill me. T-the irish took it. They ambushed us and killed three of our men!" He blurted out.

I clicked my tongue lightly and looked to Stult and Simmons. They nodded and shot the other two and I splattered Jacob's brain matter across Anthonys corpse.

"Send flowers to their widows." I sighed as I stepped around the gore and headed inside. Lining the halls to greet me were whores, drug dealers, gang leaders, diplomats, politicians, and my 'lackeys'. I shook hands and spoke small talk with several then moved to my dark and gloomy office to begin the days paperwork.

As I signed this and paid that and made deals with multiple devils, all I could think of were her dark blue eyes and black hair. Ms. Nickols seemed so different....I lived to kill and she seemed to live to save. I let out a small chuckle while flipping through papers.

I would need to find a way to obtain her. I would need to give another visit to Eva soon.

[elsinore-and-inverness]

A long, spoilerific, very enthusiastic and overly honest review of Good Omens

Episodes 1-3: I want to start out by saying that as a Doctor Who fan I love love that due to special effects choices I couldn’t remotely maintain suspension of disbelief. This didn’t seem to be intentional but rather the result of it being made by (DT don’t look) people who may have seen subtlety on the doorstep but thought it might be selling something and asked it to leave.

The first two episodes seemed a bit crunched for time and over-explained. I found myself wishing they would slow down, although this “not enough time” effect may have been very deliberate and I could also see how to people who hadn’t read the book they might have felt slow-paced. But they rather extraordinarily re-created the effect of reading the book for the first time. Especially due to a remarkable slipperiness of Tennant’s acting that meant I felt like I didn’t totally have a read on what he was doing with the character until episode three. To create this effect with a character as gloriously flamboyant, multilayered and complex as Crowley, confidently cross-stepping the line between camp and quiet takes astonishing finesse and understanding and trust in long-form media. 

Nina Sosanya’s earnestness made the convent scene work and justify itself beyond exposition and weird floating metaphor visuals. The children’s authenticity and the demons’ deadly-serious goofiness provided strong through-lines and the angels reciting lines from The Sound of Music was frankly terrifying.

In the beginning of the first episode before I turned on subtitles I misheard Gabriel’s “I have reliable intelligence that things are afoot” as “I have reliable intelligence that things are fucked” and I’m honestly disappointed that wasn’t the actual line. I also misheard Crowley’s “the humans beat me to it” as “the humans made me do it” and that also would have been a much better line. 

I felt that the story picked up some in the second episode. I adore Anathema’s lack of regard for social conventions, and now I’m wondering if the fact that I get asked about ten thousand questions every time I enter the UK is less normal than I thought. The heightened tragicomedy of Newt’s computer problem in twenty-first century London was very affecting and I was less put off by the “maximalist” design elements of Tracy and Shadwell’s flats than I thought I would be from the set photos, they seemed fairly believable. Anathema’s sheer confusion at the Bentley loudly playing “Bicycle Race” was probably my favorite moment of the episode, the other contenders being the face Crowley makes when he gets rid of the paint on Aziraphale and the fact that the Bentley was STILL playing “Bicycle Race” even louder as it drove away.

I know Sheen was very proud of Aziraphale’s reaction to reading the prophecy about him, and the fact that the reaction could read from the back row of a very large theatre and I can only agree with him on this. Sheen, as usual, is amazingly chameleonic. It may just be because I’m not as familiar with his work as Tennant’s but there was no point at which I was looking at Aziraphale and thinking “oh yeah, that’s Michael Sheen.” I think he might be a few fathoms further towards the character actor end of the continuum, as my favorite Crowley moments were places I felt like a bit of Tennant was shining through- “Do ducks have ears? They must have- to hear other ducks”

Aziraphale has one brain cell and I am here for it. It’s lovely to have confirmation that this brain cell sees one Anthony “it’s just sort of a J really” Crowley as a much higher priority than mostly-incorrect books of prophecy. The first half of episode three is a gorgeous, aching love story and the scene in the car in Soho in the 60s was everything. “You go too fast for me” says Aziraphale- 5960 and/or 944 years into a relationship. 

Miscellaneous thoughts:

-Oysters are an aphrodisiac 

-Crowley has so much/so many gender

I was very busy acting in a show, doing pre-production on a different show and picketing university buildings so I took a week-long intermission 

Episodes 4-6: Crowley, an intellectual: Have you considered exoplanets?

I suppose the radiation flares on Proxima Centauri b wouldn’t affect an angel and a demon? I like that Crowley’s mindset at this point seems to be “we’ll be fine, but please don’t kill the humans” but I kind of miss seeing him panicking and reading and re-arranging his CDs. 

There’s some genuine absurdism in episode four, especially in the scene in the cinema that I think could have totally fallen apart if it was written by more that one person. 

They’re really maintaining tension very well with the Adam and humans plot and the delivery man scenes were lovely and Aziraphale’s getting to be quite tragic.  But I think the apartment-phone-call-discorporation sequence is very tightly plotted in the book and it’s kind of lost something here in coming unravelled. Episode five is fairly perfect, if toppling headlong into melodrama at times. I like how they explained Crowley not having a bigger reaction to finding Aziraphale at the airbase. The song choices are doing so much and I love Crowley to bits. The horsemen of the apocalypse are genuinely quite chilling. They create a really strong sense of impending doom. If there’s one thing I miss from cutting the other bikers of the apocalypse it’s the “Revelations: chapter six” joke.

Although it’s keeping quite close to the book, they introduce new material very excitingly in the last episode. The scenes in heaven and hell were hilarious. I really want to know how much David and Michael thought about carrying over mannerisms of each other’s characters.

Reversing the order of the final scenes reinforces that, at least structurally, the tv show is a romantic comedy. There’s been a recombination of elements that leads to a different final note than the novel leaves off on. 

Miscellaneous thoughts:

-Why on Earth does Crowley have a photo set for his own contact on his phone? Who does that?

-baby snek. baby.

-I hope they got to finish their ice cream date

[justiceforbandstand]

Some notes on Rent: Live

Out of order, just my scattered thoughts on the show

First of all, was it perfect? No. Did I still have a fantastic time watching it? Oh absolutely

To all the people complaining about the audio: this was the final test run. It wasn’t supposed to be aired like this. They made do with what they had and I’m so happy we still got to see it with all the complications (I really hope Brennin is doing okay).

On the other hand, they should’ve learned their lesson about live audiences like this from Grease Live. They’re annoying. That’s that. Theatre etiquette should be a mandatory class for huge events such as this

Now for the show

I was so worried about any Mark other than Anthony Rapp, but Jordan Fisher continues to impress me, and I thought he brought a new vibe to the character while staying true to Mark

Also, while I’ve always loved Halloween, it’s never been my favorite, but damn he went there. I was freakin backhanded across the face by that song

PERHAPS ITS BECAUSE IM THE ONE OF US TO SURVIVE (this line hurts every time, but his dELIVERY)

Why why why why why why would they change “fuckin weird” that’s one of my favorite moments

But otherwise Tango: Maureen was one of my favorite performances

Vanessa Hudgens over here KILLIN IT as Maureen. Like damn I’m over the moon for her dedication to that weird ass song and that NOTE

They can’t just censor La Vie Bohème. I know they technically have to cause cable or whatever but god damn don’t take it to some butcher who sets up shop in the back of a liquor store, that’s some sketchy territory

Personally didn’t think Valentina was a good fit for Angel. Much of the charm of that character seemed to be traded for a diva vibe. Also, not big on the voice?

Contact was... different? But I dug it?

I’ll Cover You (Reprise) never fails to fuck me up

OH SHIT YALL THEY KEEP BRINGING IN KEALA SETTLE AND GOOD GOD I LOVE HER

While I missed Will I? being staged at the life support, I was in awe at the way they did do it. This was one of the changes that I accepted because Jesus it was stunning. This song continues to remain one of my favorites

Maureen makin me smile over here with that little kiss of Joanne’s hand

Yeah I’d probably break my ankle dancing to What You Own

Great interlude for laughter during that super tense moment, thanks for that face that monotone “noooo,” Roger

Ahh nothing like the sound of live tech

Oh damn. Oh damn. That Jonathan Larson tribute. I cried so much. More than during I’ll Cover You (Reprise).

Y’all they’re all HERE. Jesse is KILLING IT like ALWAYS. It’s always so nice to see them together they looked so happy to be there!!!

Updates:

How could I forget Mark’s sweater??

Really peeved that “for someone who longs for a community of his own, who’s with his camera, alone” exchange was cut. Like that scenes so important because tHATS WHAT MARK FEARS, ROGER

[lolabean1998]

Avengers Fanfic - 3rd Super Soldier (Part 8)

Bucky's POV!

"You've been staring out that window for over an hour now sugar, what's troubling ya?" A large woman with warm eyes and brunette hair asked.

"Just thinking is all, thanks Maggie." I replied to the woman as she poured yet another cup of coffee.  It hurt that you'd left, I felt as though my heart had been torn apart. I was in agony.

"Loki said we'd find you here. What you looking at Buck?" Steve asked as he sat down beside me whilst Banner and Tony sat opposite them.

"Top floor second window on the right." I replied shortly, eyes fixed on the window. Steve having super human eyesight as well moved his gaze to the window I had directed him to, watching intently as a figure moved back and forth past the window. He was just about to call it wishful thinking when the petite figure moved past the window carrying what appeared to be a large wardrobe.

"Is it her?" Tony asked when Steves eyes flew open. "Steve what did you see?"

"She's up there, moving stuff around. Buck how'd you find her?" Steve asked curiously, Tony and Banner had searched the whole room for clues only turning up a newspaper, that also had nothing.

"The newspaper." I replied, his gaze still fixed on the window, my voice sad and low.

"We searched it, there was nothing on it." Banner gasped irritated that he had missed something.

"Invisible ink, you weren't meant to see anything. She made a deal with the landlord, she gets to stay there if she does up the top floor. Got a job a a private courier and is returning the clothes we bought her s soon as she can afford her own." I reported, ignoring the disbelieving faces opposite him.

"So you're telling me that if i had just scanned the paper like i was going to I'd have found her without going through all of this." Tony ranted throwing his hands about gesturing to the situation at hand.

"No, she wrote it in a code,a code she made up when we were kids." I had to take a deep breath to steady his voice when he spoke about the code. She may not remember me and Steve but she remembered something. Something's better than nothing. It's a start. I thought moving my attention to the group. "We should go, she kept it a secret for a reason. She doesn't want us around."

"She chose this place for a reason Buck. The whole of New York to choose from and the only place willing to make a deal just happens to be opposite our favourite diner. The place you always come when things are getting too much at the compound." Steve reasoned, he knew how much I was hurting but he also knew how much you were hurting. You wanted to bury yourself in work to drown out the flashes and emotions tearing you apart inside. You never were one for emotions that weren't bubbling giggles or furious rage, dipping a toe in sympathy when absolutely necessary.

"I won't ask again Steve. Leave her be, it's what she want's." I snarled flashing cold Winter Soldier eyes at the group, smirking to myself when the quickly scurried outside without a word. Works every time.

Your POV!

It had been almost a month since you'd left the compound and after working day and night, the apartments you had been fixing up were almost complete. You had spent your days running around the city delivering parcels and important letters to rich people and gang members. Spending your nights working on the apartments, you had torn out everything from each one deciding it was easier to start from scratch. After a final lick of paint the whole floor was transformed from back end motel to four star apartments. The landlord had been so impressed with it he had offered to let you stay for free if you did the rest of the building. The look of surprise on his face when he saw your petite figure carrying heavy loads, working harder and faster than a team of builders and contractors.

You were just about to jump in the shower to wash off the paint spotted across your face when there was a hesitant knock at the door. The fuck does he want now? I'm already redoing the whole fucking building. You grumbled to yourself as you strolled past your new, modern day open kitchen towards the heavy oak door. "Coming Mr O'Malley!" You called to the door as it knocked again. "What's up Mr O'Mall-" You were cut off when you opened the door to see Nat and Wanda instead. "You're not Mr O'Malley. You're not Mr O'Malley at all." You stated feeling a little confused. "You guys look like shit come in. Just made a pot of coffee so help yourselves and Maggie dropped off some blueberry muffins earlier so tuck in." You offered leading the inside, smiling as the two girls grabbed a muffin and filled two large mugs to the brim with fresh coffee. "What's up guys?" You chirped hopping onto the counter top.

"What's up guys?" They mocked snarkily, glaring at you with daggered eyes.

"Hey don't give me that, i gave the clothes back and started paying back the money it cost to house me." You said defensively, holding your hands up in surrender.

"I'm gonna kill her." Wanda grumbled after a large swig of coffee, sending your eyebrows into a worried and confused frown.

"We don't care about the clothes or the money! We care that you left!" Nat snapped, rolling her eyes at your dumbfounded expression.

"More specifically, we care that you left without HIM!" Wanda continued setting her mug on the counter before her shaking hands spilled it all over the nice white tiles.

"What the fuck are you two on about?" You demanded looking at the dark circles around their eyes and their peculiar body language.

"BARNES!" The pair shouted in chorus making you jump and spill your coffee, luckily it only went on your shirt which was already covered in dirty and paint.

"His nightmares are getting worse and since he's stopped bothering to even attempt sleep he's been even more grumpy than usual." Wanda explained, her voice shaking with exhaustion and a strange blend of anger.

"It's making training impossible, none of us can keep up with him. He looks like hell and his temper is even worse!" Nat finished through a mouthful of blueberry muffin.

"Why you telling me? Go run to Steve or someone. Now if you don't mind, i have to jump in the shower quickly before work so if you could the door on your way out that'd be great." You snarled, giving them a snarky smile as you strolled into the bathroom slamming the door once you were in. You quickly stripped and stepped under the powerful jets of water.

After a quick shower you threw on a pair of black jeans matched with a baggy blue t-shirt and your favourite navy blue combat boots. They were the only thing you refused to return. Your turned the corner to the small courier service shop to pick up your load for the day.

"Y/N my darling how good to see you!" A thick, joyful Italian accent hit you as you entered through the back, you gave a bubbly chuckle at the large man who strode towards you with open arms, groaning as they wrapped around you squeezing you into a hug.

"You saw me less than thriteen hours ago what do you want Anthony?" You groaned with a pained chuckle. The large man placed you back on the ground releasing you from his death grip before stepping back to grab a large rucksack filled to the brim.

"Vincent couldn't make it in today, got into a bar fight with some guy and the guy broke his jaw. Said something about his lack of respect." Anthony replied shaking his head, neither of you were surprised the kid had a reputation.

"Doesn't surprise me, Vinnie's always getting into shit. Didn't think he had such a weak chin though. Must've been some fight." You mused swinging the heavy rucksack onto your back and jumping on the steel blue bike in the corner, for some reason the colour of it gave you strange sense of security.

"You never fail to impress. Even I'd struggle with that bag but you? You just swinging it on like its any other round. Here's you list of drop offs and you're pay from last week as you asked and if you're done before three we have another set of VIP drop offs if you're up for the challenge." Anthony smiled at you before turning to walk back to the shop front.

"See you at three!" You called confidently pulling your mask and sunglasses over your face, clipping the buckle of your helmet up before heading out. Your headphones blasted with 1940's swing music as you whipped through the city, dropping off parcels and letters left right and centre. Fuck me i hate stairs! You grumbled to yourself as you tore your way up the stairs of a very prestigious feeling skyscraper, fighting your way to the top floor. You were faster than the elevator and you needed to shave as many seconds off your time as possible if you were to make it by three. You flew round the corner, past the elevators, through the woman at the front desk as she protested against you before crashing through the door to the delivery point. A tall grey haired man wearing a suit worth more than the building you lived shot up from his desk giving you a disgusted look as you shoved a form towards him for him to sign before placing the parcel carefully on the desk in front.

"Parcel is delivered and in one piece. Sign so i can get on with my round I'm on a tight schedule!" You breathed clutching your rib cage as you spoke, giving the man a bone shattering glare when he refused to speed up. "You have two seconds before i take it to your wife and tell her who it's from." You snapped grinning when the man immediately scribbled on the dotted line thrusting the paper back at you. "Can't believe that actually worked, BYEEE!" You chirped mischievously, bolting back towards the stairway and jumping down the stairs like your life depended on it.

The rest of your round went by rather smoothly, a few almost collisions with taxi's and trucks but other than that it was a breeze. You skidded to halt outside the shop with minutes to spare. Damn I've been slacking! You thought as you looked down at you're watching, you had found it outside your door a few days after you had moved out with a note attached to it say 'A good bye gift from a Captain and a Sergeant'.

"I told you she'd make it! She is the fastest courier New York has ever seen!" Anthony's thick Italian accent boomed through the shop as he strolled out to greet you, a hooded figure following close behind. "Y/N this is Mr Barton, he has a very important message to deliver and requires my best and brightest courier. I'll leave you too it." With that he gave you both an abrupt nod and headed back inside.

"You're not even trying to hide who you are so take the hood down. What are you, some high school drop out gangsta with a black eye and stash of weed? Come on man you can do better than that! What do you want?" You questioned feeling more and more annoyed by the minute, this was the second time today an Avenger had shown up. The figure dropped the hood revealing their face. "Barton! What a surprise, the was me thinking it was the hulk." You mocked rolling your eyes, arms folded as you lent against your pedal bike.

"You don't even care do you? Do you have a heart at all? Or do you just enjoy making other people suffer!" He snapped aggressively, taking you by surprise. This was a side of Barton you never thought existed.

"The fuck are you talking about?" You snarled in response, whatever was going on had nothing to do with you.

"I'm talking about leaving without saying good bye, shutting us out. Shutting your FRIENDS out! Shutting Barnes out and then when Wanda and Nat show up at your door you boot them out! Not even batting an eye to what they told you about you're friend! What happened? Did you get bored of toying with his emotions? Or maybe it's even worse, Maybe this is all part of your plan. No wonder you stayed with H.Y.D.R.A. for so long. You weren't a prisoner at all, you were part of them. One of the crew. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if you were one the ones torturing him. Even if you weren't YOU SURE A SHIT ARE NOW!" Barton bellowed, his voice echoed through the alleyway you were standing in. Your eyes went cold and you felt the hairs on your neck stand on end. He had crossed a line.

"You think I don't know what he's been through? You think i don't remember screaming until my vocal cords broke, begging them to stop. You think i don't know there's something going on? The way Bucky just HAPPENED to know my favourite food or how Steve saw right through me? How about how Bucky knew every one of my moves? And then all of a sudden not only am i the freak with super human abilities but I'm also the freak the can switch species! I have no idea who I am, no memory of who i was and to make things worse, no idea who they were to me. I don't want them to hold onto the hope that I'll be back to who I was because I don't want to let them down. Now piss off before your wife becomes a widow!" You roared viciously, your eyes were as cold as ice and your body was trembling with rage.

"Stand down little girl, i didn't come alone." Barton warned just as Vision and Rhodes landed beside him. You raised an amused eyebrow. "We aren't done yet." He snapped taking a step towards you.

"You were warned." You sighed dodging Barton and crashing your fist into Visions shiny little gem sending him flying back into the traffic and colliding with the front of a bus. Problem one is gone, can't be doing with super powers. You muttered to yourself as you grabbed Barton’s shoulder swinging him into Rhodes and leaping on your bike the second you a the chance. Can't fight in the city, too many people but there’s an abandoned building not far from her. That'll do. You peddle faster than you had all day as you thought up a plan, checking behind you to make sure they were still following. No sign of Vision FUCK! He's gone for back up! You cursed zooming through traffic towards the huge industrial site a few miles away. No no there he is. So they're going against orders. You figured knowing that if that had happened on a mission Vision would've gone for reinforcements.

"Give it up kid, there's no where to go!" Rhodes called from above as you skidded to a halt having arrived at your destination.

"Jokes on you. I planned to be here." You shouted before bouncing yourself off a nearby wall and leaping into the air grabbing Rhodes' foot. Climbing up before he had a chance to shake you, tearing off the excess guns and weapons as you went. An arrow pierced through your calf as you tore out a handful of important looking cables, gripping on tight when the suit dropped. "I take it they were important." You quipped pulling the arrow from your leg. The sight of bloody arrow triggered something deep inside you. Your eyes flipped losing any sign of life and your posture became more threatening, your eyes washing over Barton and Vision with blood thirst.

"That doesn't look good." Barton pointed out readying his arrow. You charged towards him dodging arrow after arrow as he fired rapidly in an attempt to survive. You caught site of Vision closing in and threw an arrow in his direction watching as it tore through his abdomen. Turning your attention back to Barton you swung yourself underneath and onto his shoulders before hurtling forwards and slamming him to the ground. The unmistakable sound of snapping bones rang out loud and clear as you twisted his arms behind him, disabling his ability to fire or fight. Standing up you pulled his right leg up kicking in his knee, nodding in approval as the joint popped out of place before twisting it slightly so he couldn’t pop it back in. Your eyes flicked over to Rhodes who was still froze on the floor, by the looks of things his suit had malfunctioned trapping him inside. The only threat left was Vision and with one smooth swoop you grabbed three large arrows from Barton’s side launching them towards Vision. The each plummeted into his chest and stomach dropping him onto his back, a pool of blood rapidly forming around him.

"Woah easy there Tiger" Tony called, his Iron Man shining in the afternoon sun. "I'm here to help you." He tried but you weren't having any of it, grabbing a brick from nearby and hurtling it towards him, snarling when he dodged it.

"Woah take it easy Y/N." The voice from behind you hitting you like a wave. The voice was soon followed by cautious foots steps inching there way closer, you tried desperately to turn to face your attacker but you body was frozen solid. The harder you tried to move the more pain shot through you and it was only when a warm arm wrapped around you pulling you in tight that you realised you had been screaming. "Easy doll, it's ok it's Bucky." The smell of his cologne mixed his natural scent intoxicated you, some how pulling out of the abyss you had fallen into. Your body collapsed in his arms as your mind began whirling.

"She ok? You got her?" Tony called landing beside Rhodes and leaning over to free him from the suit.

"Yeah, I'm going to take her back to her place. You good here?" Bucky asked lifting you into his arms.

"Yeah Nat's on her way with Wanda and the quinjet. I told them to leave her be, to leave it be. It's their own fault." Tony sighed pulling the arrows from Vision, chuckling as the holes in his chest and stomach began closing up almost immediately.

Bucky placed you carefully on the sofa wrapping a small blanket around you. He took a moment to explore your apartment, admiring your handy work as he inspected the kitchen. He had done a full tour of your small apartment and had yet to find any evidence that you had slept at all that month, the bedroom was empty holding nothing but a large wardrobe and a mirror. The floor however was littered with sketches and drawings, some were sketches of the team but most of them were images from her past, violent and dark and filled with horror. Images of the memory wiping, savage training, brutal torture and hooded figures. This is what she did instead of sleeping, she drew her nightmares. Bucky wandered around the room to get a better look at some of the drawings without stepping on any when a floor board let out an angry squeak. You've done this whole place to perfection but didn't change a squeaky floor board? I don't buy it. Bucky thought as he knelt down to investigate further pulling up the vocal floor board which was surprisingly easy to do. What he found inside brought tears to his eyes, stashed beneath the floor board was a small stash of sketches, all with one thing in common. Him. He slid down the wall, sketches in hand and began looking through them, taking great care in handling them. There were sketches of Steve's birthday, dancing in the bar, playing in the park and playing ball. Each sketch was done carefully with each and every detail added in, the total opposite to the rest of your drawings. Tears began trickling down his cheek as he stared at the small array of pictures, each with three happy smiling faces beaming up at him.

"You know it's rude to go through other peoples stuff." A croaky and hoarse voice muttered from the doorway. Bucky's head shot up, a sad smile pressed against his lips no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

"There's supposed to be a bed in here. You're supposed to sleep." He stammered, trying to muffle the sorrow in his voice.

"I don't think that's what you're mad about." You replied weakly, your body language small and cowering. "I've made coffee." You slowly turned making your way cautiously to kitchen. Bucky wiped the tears from his eyes and cheeks before stepping over the paper surrounding him and making his way over to the kitchen watching as your trembled about trying to pour the coffee.

"Here let me." He offered stepping forwards to take the pot from you, but his movements were fast making you jump out of your skin dropping the pot and fleeing to hide in the corner by the sofa. Your whole body shaking and trembling with fear. Bucky had just managed to catch the pot in time saving it from spilling or smashing placing it safely on the counter. He crept over to you slowly kneeling to face you when he was a couple of feet away from you, watching as you flinched eyeing his hand warily when he reached out to you. She thinks I'm going to hurt her. The horror of what occurred to him made him choke slightly on his inhale. "Easy doll, I'm not going to hurt you. I'll never hurt you I promise. It's Bucky, just me. No one else is here and no one will ever hurt you again." Bucky promised soothingly.

"Bucky, Rabbit teeth Bucky from Brooklyn?" You questioned with a whisper, too afraid to turn your head towards him.

"Yeah It's me. Come on trouble i need you to come out of the corner." He soothed, placing a warm hand on your shoulders as he spoke. The moment his hand touched your skin you felt a wave over tears crash down on you, bursting from your eye's. Bucky didn't waste anytime before wrapping his arms around your shaking figure pressing a warm kiss on your head.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Bucky. I'm sorry..." You sobbed repeatedly into his shoulder, your hands clutching his black t-shirt.

"What are you sorry for doll? You didn't do anything wrong." Bucky smiled reassuringly, picking you up in his arms and carrying you to the kitchen placing you carefully on the counter top beside him.

"I hurt your friends and i hurt you, i left you... I forgot you." Your voice was hurt and apologetic, your big Y/E/C eyes staring up at him through puddled tears.

"None of this is your fault. Stop blaming yourself, your remembering now and that’s what matters." Bucky reassured pouring you a hot cup of coffee and searching through your fridge for something to cook. "Where's the food?.. Hang on, is your fridge even turned on?" He quizzed sticking his flesh arm inside and giving you an unamused glare. "Y/N have you eaten anything other than the food Maggie sent you?"

"Um, no. Guess i forgot." You shrugged sipping at the steaming beverage in your hands. Bucky let out an exasperated sigh closing the fridge, melting at the sight of your weary eyes and apologetic smile.

"I'll call Maggie, ask her to send us some food."Bucky groaned, moving to lean beside you resting his arm on your leg as he placed his order. You smiled resting your chin on his shoulder as he spoke.

"Say Bucky, How did Maggie know where i lived and why did she keep bringing me food I hadn't ordered or paid for?" You questioned after he'd hung up, the blush on his face said it all but you wanted to hear him say it.

"I found your notes in the newspaper and tracked you down, within about three hours of you leaving. Asked Maggie if she'd bring you some food up every now and then and to bill it to me." He admitted turning to face you, his hands resting on your legs as he watched you sip your coffee in thought.

"But i made that code up, theres no way you could've figured it out!" You exclaim pouting at him.

"Y/N i helped you invent that code when you were ten. We used it for everything." Bucky smirked, running a thumb a long your pouty bottom lip.

"You know if we carry on like this, Sam's going to win the bet." You commented fighting the urge to melt under his touch. Bucky looked at you in suprise.

"You notice that too huh." He smiled pulling you closer into him, his hands wrapped around your waist making you bite your lip, draping your hands over his shoulders as you did. "So who do you think should win? If you say Steve or Tony I'll slap you." He joked raising a pair of warning eyebrows.

"I was thinking more, Peter. Only another fews weeks and if you offer to stay with me to help with the renovations then we wouldn't have to hide it all the time. Its either him or Sam." You reasoned, your body lighting up each time he brushed his thumb against your side.

"Ok, i like it. The kid could use the win and It's better than Sam winning." Bucky agreed leaning into you just as the doorbell rang. "Of course!" He sighed hanging his head before pulling his wallet from his back pocket and striding towards the door. When he opened the door he was greeted with the smell of burgers, fries and onion rings, he smiled down at the young girl who handed him the food with an excited grin on her face. Her eyes flicking from his face, to his arm, to you in the kitchen and back.

"You're the Winter Soldier aren't you and she's your girlfriend, Trouble. Isn't she!" The young girl giggled, he had seen her around the diner a few times before, she was Maggie’s niece. Bucky smiled at her comment, the blush running to his cheeks when he heard the word 'girlfriend'.

"Yes but you have too keep it a secret for a little bit. Our friends placed bets on us so we're playing a trick on them ok?" He whispered secretively, giving her a friendly wink.

"I will i promise, Auntie Mags said to give you these peanut butter sticks too. Said she made them specially for you now that you're back together. Don't worry I'll make sure she keeps your secret." The little girl grinned handing him a small paper bag filled to the top with delicious pastries. Bucky smiled handing her the money for the food and giving her a large tip for keeping her troubles. "Nice to see you again Miss Y/N/N." She called before skipping her way back down stairs.

"Miss Y/N/N? care to explain doll?" He smirked making his way over to the sofa where you now sat, two sets of cutlery and dishes laid out alongside a fresh mug of coffee. You blushed at the question.

"I asked Maggie to keep an eye on you. Told her to keep me up to date on how you were doing. I think she knew what was going on before we did." You blushed, staring up at him through thick eyelashes making him chuckle.

"You're so cute." He smirked dishing out the food and pulling you further into his side.

"Hey take that back! I could kick your ass any day of the week and i did this whole renovation on my own. I am NOT cute!" You demanded fiercely only making the grin on his face even bigger, it took all he had to hold back the laughter desperate to fight it's way through but it was no use you could still see the humour and adoration his face. "I hate you." You grumbled rolling your eyes. Bucky smirked wrapping arms around you and pulling you onto his lap, caressing a hand over your cheek and holding your head gently as he lent in placing soft kisses over your cheek and lips. A smug grin plastering his face when he felt you smile against him.

"You sure about that doll?" He teased brushing the hair from your neck for more access but just as he was about to kiss your neck he stopped, moving closer your ear and whispering. "Foods getting cold." You shoved him playfully trying to force you giggling face into a scowl but it wasn't happening.

"You're such a punk!" You laughed moving off his lap and tucking into your piping hot food. We had time! You thought grumpily watching as Bucky flicked through the channels until he landed on an old black and white movie. "Ugh god, i forgot how old you are." You mocked sending him a cheeky sideways glance.

"Excuse you I'm only eleven months and two days older than you." He replied with a chuckle, your face lifting in surprise.

"How? No, Why do you remember that?" You asked in shock, it had been such a long time since either of you had remembered your time before all of this had happened and so much had happened, to hold onto a single scrap of worthless information like that was just simply amazing.

"Don't say it." He warned playfully, making you give him a questioning look. "I know what you're going to say doll. It maybe worthless to every one else but to me, it's one of the most important pieces of information in the world. The first five obviously being your favourite food, song, colour, the sound of your laugh and the colour of your eyes." He continued smiling deep into your eyes, he didn't expect you to remember anything. How could he, you'd been through so much and you'd only just begun the healing process.

"Peanut butter stick and Macaroni salad, Heart and soul, green but not just any green spring grass green, you laugh at the frog joke every time even though its awful and your eyes are steel blue with a grey strip through the left." You listed nonchalantly, moving your gaze from the ceiling to his face, smirking at the look of amazement spreading around his perfect features.

"How the hell...?" Bucky trailed off his mouth hanging open a little at his loss for words. You slowly pushed his jaw back up smiling nervously. You were Just about to ask again when Bucky grabbed your face and waist pulling you into a deep kiss.

"I take it i got it right then?" You asked with a smile against his lips. Bucky pulled away slowly, resting his forehead against your own, the emotion in that kiss had told you everything you needed to know, you had nailed it.

"Shut up and eat your food before it gets cold." He muttered moving back to continue eating the rest of the food piled on his plate. You couldn't help but grin smugly as he turned his attention to the movie on TV.

"ARE YOU INSANE?! WHAT WERE YOU IDIOTS THINKING?" Tony roared staring down at Rhodes, Barton and Vision, his face red with rage as he paced back and forth in front of them. Vision was almost completely healed and Rhodes barely had a scratch on him but Barton now had both arms in casts and had been signed out of active duty for at least six months.

"Bucky was losing his mind and she was a threat to civilians!" Rhodes defended.

"Oh that's funny because in the last few weeks she's been living there. There hasn't been a problem, she kept her nose clean and was actually making progress." Tony quipped viciously. "Do you think i didn't keep tabs on her? You think i just let her wander out into the big wide world on her own. The second Bucky found her i asked Maggie and Mr O'Malley to keep tabs on her, hell i even asked shield to put an undercover operative there in case something happened. And d'you know what? NOTHING FUCKING DID!" He bellowed making the trio leap back in their chairs.

"Hey Tony, can I have a word?" Steve’s head popped round the corner, saving the group from any further scoldings.

Masterlist

[werewolfdays]

Threats (part 3)

last part! dealing with the aftermath and questioning some life decisions in this one -

A few days have passed since everything went down and things started to go back to normal. Except for one thought that kept haunting me. It became a borderline obsession while I contemplated it during every free moment I had to myself. Going through it over and over in my head, weighing my options, talking myself out of it, talking myself into it. I forced myself to make the decision today. I had to make the decision before it could be made for me.

“Jay?” I prompted nervously.  

“Hm?” she hummed distractedly while she was trying to figure out the best strategic hiding places for weapons in our room. She wanted to make sure that I had something to fall back on if we ever had to deal with another kidnapping situation or anyone that wanted to invade.

“I’m going to ask something of you.” I waited for her to look at me, but she must’ve been too deep in her task. Jayde’s mood has improved, though I could see that she was still working through everything that happened. I knew I should wait to ask this, but I also felt like if I didn’t rush through it, I would lose my resolve. So, to get her attention, I added, “And you’re not going to like it.”

Jayde’s movements slowed at my words, her wary gaze meeting mine, “What is it?”

My chest tightened in anticipation, “Just try to keep an open mind, okay?”

Her eyes narrowed as she frowned in concern, taking a step towards me, “Nadya, what-”

“I want you to turn me.” I blurted. 

Jayde’s whole body froze and her expression shifted quicker than I could blink. The concern was gone. She was staring at me like I was a complete stranger. “That’s not funny.” she said in a strained whisper. 

“I’m not joking.” I replied, struggling to keep my tone level through the sudden and thick tension that filled the room. 

“Of course you are.” she said with a bitter scoff, “Because I know there’s no goddamn way you would ever ask me to do that.” 

“But I just did.” She scoffed again, shaking her head and turning away from me. I tried to stay in her line of sight. “I want you to.” 

“My answer is no.” 

“Why?” I urged. 

Jayde scowled at me darkly, an expression I’ve never received from her. It made my heart drop into my gut. “Because you don’t want it!” 

She had me there. I didn’t even have to dig that deep to know that this was never something I really wanted, but I also knew it was inevitable. “I’ve changed my mind.”

“No, you clearly haven’t or you wouldn’t be asking me like this!” Jayde's voice was rising more and more after each word. I don’t think she’s ever been this angry with me. 

A charged moment of silence passed between us as I tried to think of a way to convince her.

“Do you know what a couple of people here have said to me once? They told me that a human getting involved with werewolves can end in two ways.” I took a step towards her and she actually took a step away from me, but not in anger. Sure, she was still pissed, but I could see an edge of fear in her expression now. Jayde already knew what I was going to say. “They get killed. Or they get turned.” 

“So you’ll believe any bullshit superstition that an old wolf tells you, huh?” she jabbed defensively. 

“That’s the thing,” I continued, feeling my own bitterness, “I didn’t believe it. Not until Anthony basically said the same thing. Not until I almost got turned against my will. And then I thought about the time I asked you if you had the ability to turn me. I saw a look on your face then and I didn’t understand what it meant until recently. You believe it too.”

“I don’t.” 

“You do.” I insisted impatiently because she knew she was a terrible liar, “So, if it has to happen, I want it to be you. I don’t want to be threatened like that again, I want a choice. And I’m choosing you.” 

Tears began to sparkle in her midnight eyes, her expression still hard, “Don’t fucking say it like that.” 

“I’m not trying to manipulate you, Jay.” I said while shaking my head and reached for her. 

Jayde flinched away from my touch and walked around me so she could put distance between us. That hurt more than getting my concussion. “It doesn’t matter if you’re doing it on purpose or not, you still are! I told you no, Nadya. You won’t change my mind because of exactly what you said. If it has to happen. You’re not asking because you really want this. You’re asking because you feel like you have no other choice!” 

“I don’t have another choice!” 

“Yes, Nadya, you do! You can choose to fight it to be what you really are! Not give in because you’re spooked about a fate that you don’t know for sure!” Jayde paused to take in a deep sigh, running a frustrated hand through her hair, “Instead, you ask me to turn you like this and it’s… it’s fucking insulting. It’s insulting to me, it’s insulting to my kind, and it’s insulting to you.” her burning eyes bore into mine with the first bit of scrutiny that she’s ever had towards me, and she shook her head slowly. “I know you’re better than this.”  

I couldn’t deny the shame this made me feel and Jayde’s disappointment made my sight blur with my own tears. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t change my mind. “I’m sorry, but I’ve made my decision.” 

“I won’t do it.” She said firmly.

“Then I’ll ask Skye or Toby.”

She fixed me with her hard stare, “They won’t help you either. For the same exact reasons that I’m refusing you.” 

I shrugged, lifting my arms in exasperation, “Then someone else at the Lodge. There are plenty of wolves here that owe me favors.” 

Jayde’s lip twitched in a snarl, “I’d kill anyone that tries to turn you.” 

My breath stopped short at her threat, “You wouldn’t.” 

“I would.” she replied fiercely, though there was a slight waver in her tone, “Anyone stupid enough to go against me and put your life at risk like that deserves to fucking die.” 

Feeling defeated and wondering if I was relieved about it or not, I tried just one more time, “Jayde… please.” 

I saw her jaw clench at my voice, “You know where I stand.” then she made a move to leave, roughly wiping her tears off her cheeks, “I’m done talking. I need to go on a run.” 

“Jayde, wait!” I rushed to her, grabbing her arm to stop her because I didn’t want her to leave and still be angry with me. 

She glared at me, “If you go behind my back and find a way to turn yourself, you and I are going to have a real fucking problem.” she growled, her tone trembling even more, and pulled out of my grasp while yanking the door open. 

I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes to quiet the sudden throbbing in my brain as the door slammed shut behind her. She was right. About everything. But it didn’t change the fact that I was terrified of what my eventual fate would be. I just wanted to beat it to the punch, get it over with and have Jayde be a part of it with me so I could have some sense of safety. Now there was going to be a looming sense of dread while I go through each day wondering when the other shoe will drop. If Jayde won’t turn me then who is it going to be? Another rogue werewolf? Or will someone end my life before that can happen? 

God, I hated myself for making Jayde angry. All I wanted was her comfort right now, to make her understand my fear, but I ruined it instead. I finally drove her away from me. Worst of all, I deserved it. We’ve spent these last few days trying to regain normalcy again, move past all the horrors we just went through, but I could have just set her recovery back to zero with this. 

I slumped into the desk chair with my head in my hands, allowing my tears to fall freely while stewing in my own guilt. Despite the fact that I knew I was in the wrong, I didn’t regret asking, only regretted my delivery. I should have waited. I should have explained my reasoning better. Jayde would have understood. Maybe still would have refused me, but she wouldn’t have looked at me like she just did. She wouldn’t have pulled away from me like my touch was the worst thing in the world to her. 

A knock on the door took me out of my thoughts, “Nadya?” Skye called through the door, “You okay in there? Can I come in?”

I slowly leaned back in my seat, contemplating whether or not I was up for having company right now. After a few steadying breaths, I sniffled and wiped my tears away, “It’s open.”

The door opened and shut, but I had a hard time making myself look up at Skye. “So, uh,” she started and I saw her sit down on the edge of the bed out of the corner of my eye, “Something went down, huh?”

“Yeah, something like that.” I confirmed flatly.

She nodded solemnly, “I ran into Jayde in the hallway. She looked pissed as all hell, even I know better than to throw rocks at that wasp nest, but I figured you might wanna… talk about it?” 

Silence hung in the air for several long seconds before I finally answered, “I really messed up.” my voice came out strained as I held back another wave of tears.

“You couldn’t have messed up too bad.” Skye insisted with a light chuckle.

“I asked her to turn me.”

That seemed to totally stump Skye. I’ve rarely seen her rendered speechless, but when I looked up, she was blinking at me in complete shock. “Oh, shit…”

I huffed humorlessly, “Yeah.” 

“Nadya,” Skye sighed, shaking her head at me. Her tone just made me feel worse, “You gotta understand what it means to her. Asking her now, after everything that happened? I mean, I know you didn’t mean it, but that’s… not the way to go about it.” 

“Believe me,” I admitted slowly, “I am painfully aware of that.”

Skye studied me silently for about a minute. “You’re scared. I get it. But when someone threatens to burn your house down, you don’t burn it down yourself.” 

Points for the analogy, I thought to myself, feeling very much like someone was holding a molotov up to my current way of life. “I know you’re right. I guess it just felt like my house was going to burn down either way.” 

“It doesn’t have to.” She reassured me, “Listen, maybe it’s hard for a human to live in this kind of life, but it is possible. You’ve proven that so far. The fact that you went this long before having a close call like this is pretty damn impressive.” 

“It doesn’t feel impressive.” I mumbled miserably and wiped away a stray tear, “Just feels like I’ve been going off borrowed time.”

Skye nodded in understanding, “It’s not hard imagine what it was like for you to have to go through that. It would’ve been all sorts of wrong if Anthony actually turned you, and there are definitely more wolves like him out there, but you’re smart and strong. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to be something you’re not to protect yourself. You already have you. And you also got a pack of wolves that have your back no matter what.”

Her words were starting to make me feel better, but I still had guilt weighing heavily on me when I thought of Jayde. “Well… maybe minus one wolf after today.”

“Nadya, give her time.” Skye stood up from the bed to grab our extra chair and sit beside me at the desk, “Jayde would forgive you for anything. Pretty sure you could murder me and she’d get over it after a day or so.” 

“That’s a little extreme.” I noted with an amused exhale.

“Well, it’s true.” she reached out to squeeze my knee in assurance, “She just needs to blow off some steam and she’ll be back to talk it out with you.”

I hoped that was true, but I was worried it wouldn’t change the issue, “She still won’t turn me.” 

Skye shook her head in agreement, “No, she won’t. And I don’t think she ever should.” I opened my mouth to argue, but she held up a hand to continue, “Just think about it for a second. Even if you were one-hundred percent certain about being a werewolf and you asked her to turn you, Jayde would have to watch you go through something that, to put it lightly, isn’t pretty. Not to mention that you could actually die. And that would be because of her. Could you put her through days of suffering and risk her life? Even if she asked you for it?” 

That wasn’t something that really crossed my mind before now. Skye had another point. Jayde would undoubtedly hate herself if she was the one who put me through the change. I didn’t even want to think of the anguish she would go through if it ended in my death, I didn’t even want to think of that possibility for myself. If our positions were flipped, I wouldn’t even think about doing that to Jayde. I felt even more guilt for not considering this. That had to be one of the reasons why she was so angry with me. 

I let out a slow sigh in defeat, “You’re right.” 

“Look,” Skye said, leaning closer to me, “If, one day, you really genuinely want this and can convince me that you’re absolutely sure… I’ll turn you.” 

I blinked at her, thinking I misheard. “What?”

“I will turn you if that’s what you want. Only because no matter how much she might want to, Jayde can’t rip my head off for it.” Skye smirked and shrugged, “Perks of being the only living blood relative she has left.” 

“You would really do that?” 

She nodded, perhaps too happily, “Yeah, I really would. But only if there isn’t a single doubt in your mind.” 

While this offer was more than I thought I deserved from Skye, I also realized that it was completely useless. I would never be absolutely sure about my decision to become a werewolf and I suspected Skye knew that. She was so comfortable promising me this because she knew I would never be able to fully convince her. I wasn’t entirely sure why, but that actually made me feel comforted. 

“Thank you, Skye.” 

She waved her hand dismissively, “Don’t mention it. Actually, please do mention it, it’s not often that I make people feel better when they’re upset.” 

That lightened the mood enough to make me laugh. “Sure thing.” then I studied her more closely, “How are you doing?”

Skye raised her eyebrows, “With the kidnapping thing or the guy that basically destroyed my whole life?”

“Both?”

She pursed her lips and rocked a bit in her chair while she thought of an answer, “I meant what I said. He did deserve it. I’m just trying to figure out if I would have done the same thing as Jayde or not. I think I wanted to… but I think I’m glad that I didn’t have to. Glad that I didn’t have to see it happen either.” 

I nodded, “I get it.”

“I wanted to be like Jayde for a while. You know, when she came back for me.” Skye explained, “She was so badass and wasn’t afraid to do the dirty work. I wanted to be like that. Or at least change the way she looked at me. I didn’t want to be the little sister anymore, I wanted to be her packmate. Someone to rely on. But it ended up being harder for me than I thought.” 

“She does rely on you, Skye. More than you know.” 

“You think so?” She asked, her green eyes bright with hope.

“I know so,” I answered without a single doubt, “You don’t have to be brutal to be useful.”

Skye gave me a crooked grin, “Guess you’d know all about that.” 

“Sometimes.” 

“You wanna go grab a drink or something?”

I shook my head, “No, that’s alright. I think I’m just going to distract myself with studying.” 

“Jesus, you are such a nerd.” Skye grumbled as she stood up. 

“Being a nerd is what saves your dumbass lives, you know.” I countered with a quick smirk. 

Skye pointed at me once she reached the door, “You got me there.” 

Once Skye left, I pulled out my textbooks and laptop. The attempt to immerse myself in work wasn’t for a lack of trying. For a while, it actually helped, but then snippets of my fight with Jayde kept seeping back into my mind. They kept replaying like I could somehow change the outcome of what already happened. Like if I could go back in time and just rephrase my argument, I could spare us both a great deal of frustration and pain. 

After a few hours, I gave up. Mostly because the mental strain was making my recovering head start to pound. I looked at the clock and realized I missed dinner, but I also wasn’t hungry, so I just decided to lie down and rest my eyes for the sake of my hurting brain. 

As time went on, with sleep alluding me, it began to dawn on me that Jayde wasn’t coming back home tonight. The full weight of just how offended and upset I made her caused a fresh wave of shameful tears to slide down my cheeks and dampen my pillow. I struggled with the idea of going to look for her, but also knew that if she really wasn’t back yet, then she needed the space away from me. Which hurt more than I thought it would, but it was far from undeserving. I needed to think of what to say, how to apologize, whenever she comes back. 

If she comes back. 

I wanted to believe Skye’s words, that Jayde only needed time and would forgive me for practically anything, but the longer I sat in darkened silence, the more I doubted it. I crossed a major line with Jayde today. One that not only offended her, but offended what she is and what she’s proud to be. What if she thinks that I just showed my true colors to her? What if she took it the wrong way and believes that I’ve secretly hated that she’s a werewolf?

It was around three in the morning when I heard the door open and shut quietly. I was so beside myself with relief that I had to restrain myself from jumping out of bed to hug her. As much as I wanted to discuss what happened with her, I was wary of how late it was and thought that she might want to sleep on it, so I acted like I wasn’t awake, which wasn’t easy to do.

Jayde moved around the room like she was trying not to disturb me, slowly opening and closing the dresser drawers to get into something more comfortable to sleep in. My impatience won out when she started to lie down on the bed. I was shocked that she was doing that, thinking that she would’ve wanted to take the floor or something. When I turned around to face her, she hesitated and stared at me in mild surprise.

After a moment, her gaze averted mine, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I wasn’t sleeping.” I said, resisting the urge to touch her, “I didn’t think you were coming back.” 

Jayde slowly rested her body on the mattress, letting out a tired sigh, “I can’t sleep when you’re not next to me.” 

I wasn’t sure if I should be encouraged by that or not. I simply replied with a quiet, “Oh.”

The silence we fell into was another tense one. We stared at each other, mostly in shadow, like we both knew the other wanted to say a million things. While she had fully lied down, Jayde’s body was still tense and I worried that if I said or did the wrong thing it would prompt her to run. Most of all, I was worried that if she ran, I really wouldn’t see her again. I wanted to beg her to stay before I could utter my apology. I needed her to stay. 

It was finally me that broke this unsettling quiet, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about everything.”  

“I know you are, Nadya.” Jayde replied quietly. 

“I shouldn’t have asked you to turn me.” it was difficult to keep my frantic need to explain myself under control, “I would say that I wasn’t thinking, but I was. I thought about it a lot, and I knew it was wrong to ask you, and I did it anyway, because I was scared. That wasn’t okay and I can’t tell you how sorry I am for it.” 

Jayde sat quietly for a minute while she processed my words. “I…” it was hard to see her clearly in the darkness, but I still noticed she was struggling to look me in the eye, “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I just felt blindsided by what you said and it really, really freaked me out. What happened fucked with both of us and I know you’re scared. The fact that you actually asked me to turn you was proof of just how afraid you are and that made me feel even worse about everything. So, I’m sorry too. For how I reacted.” 

“You don’t have to be sorry, Jayde.” My hand shifted a few inches towards her, desperately wanting a touch, but unsure if it was appropriate, “I get why you reacted the way you did, it’s understandable after what I pulled.” 

“That doesn’t excuse yelling at you like that.” her brows furrowed in a brief scowl at herself, “Or threatening lives.” 

I agreed with that last part, but only gave a small nod in response to it. “I won’t ever ask you to turn me again.” I promised, “I don’t want you to anymore.”

That’s when Jayde’s body finally relaxed and released a breath of relief like she had been holding it all day. “I’ll protect you, okay?” she told me with unwavering certainty in her voice, but it almost sounded like she was saying this to herself as much as me, “I’ll make sure something like this never happens again. You don’t have to worry about what anyone says to you and neither will I.”  

I nodded again. Every part of me wanted to believe her. Hell, maybe she was right. Maybe she could protect me. Maybe I really could live the rest of my life as a human. These were possibilities within reach. But after everything, I don’t think I could fully dampen that fear in the back of my mind. Which was fine. I could ignore it, just like every other fear I had. The safety that Jayde and the pack offered me gave enough comfort to my paranoia to keep the darkness at bay for now. 

To make up for the growing need to reach for her, I fiddled with a loose thread on the blanket. Even though we were resolving it, I still wasn’t sure if she would be okay with me touching her yet. “I hated fighting with you like that. It felt like I ruined everything.” 

“It wasn’t your brightest moment.” Jayde agreed carefully. Then her hand came to rest on top of mine, stopping me from yanking on the loose bit of string and drawing my gaze towards her. Her thumb brushing against the back of my hand right now had to be one of the best sensations I’ve experienced. “But you’d have to do something pretty spectacularly horrible to ruin everything. I’m pretty sure that’s beyond what you’re capable of.” 

I gave her a small smile and ducked my head, tentatively curling in closer to her. Jayde wrapped an arm around me, pulling me against her and granting me forgiveness with her warmth and comfort. Our limbs tangled together while I pressed my forehead to her collarbone and shut my eyes to inhale her scent. She smelled like the woods and earth with a hint of campfire smoke. It was a soothing scent that made me feel safe and loved, like nothing could hurt me as long as I was in her arms. This was exactly what I’ve been needing. 

“I love you, Jay.” I whispered against her skin when I shifted to plant a quick kiss to her neck. It was also a promise that I would try my best not to hurt her again like I did today. 

Jayde’s hand came up to gently push me back, but only so she could look at me. She tucked my hair behind my ear and ran the tips of her fingers along my jawline until they reached my chin, then she started tracing my bottom lip. Her eyes followed every direction her fingertips went like it wasn’t enough to just feel me, she needed to see me too. 

“I told myself I wouldn’t let you out of my sight after what happened.” she muttered as her thumb brushed the bruise on my temple, careful to avoid the stitches peeking out of my hairline. The touch was so light that I almost didn’t feel it. When her hand came back down to rest against my cheek, she made eye contact with me and I could tell there was a small amount of shame in her expression. 

“Don’t feel guilty for needing space.” I told her, reaching up to hold her forearm and caress her, “We’re done fighting and you’re here now. That’s all that matters.”  

Her voice was quiet enough that any other sound in the room might’ve drowned her out, “Okay.” 

Jayde pulled me into a delicate kiss. It was something that I wasn’t sure she was going to give me tonight, knowing that I probably didn’t deserve it, but I was still desperately hoping for it anyway. The soft cadence that I completely fell into was what finally convinced me that she had forgiven my transgression. She didn’t deepen it, but she also didn’t hold back the passion and I felt her own relief that the forgiveness granted her in the gentle way her lips moved against mine. 

“You know I love you too, right?” Jayde whispered against my mouth, the heat of her breath tickling my skin. “I will always love you. No matter what.” 

In this moment, I knew that was true. So I gave a single nod and kissed her once more, soaking up every bit of her love and comfort that I could. Struck by my own greediness, I started to pull away from her only to have Jayde’s hold on me tighten in an unwillingness to give up our contact so easily. Her lips followed mine and I couldn’t help but smile and let her take me again. We both needed this. 

I always knew how lucky I was whenever I fell asleep in her arms, but tonight, when another desperately needed rest came to both of us, I had an even deeper appreciation for it.

[easyfoodnetwork]

On the Day We Reopened Our Restaurant, We Had to Close It Again

A booth at Guerrilla Tacos | Colin Wolf

We spent a month preparing to safely reopen our restaurant. Five hours after opening our doors, the state made us close again.

This is Eater Voices, where chefs, restaurateurs, writers, and industry insiders share their perspectives about the food world, tackling a range of topics through the lens of personal experience. First-time writer? Don’t worry, we’ll pair you with an editor to make sure your piece hits the mark. If you want to write an Eater Voices essay, please send us a couple paragraphs explaining what you want to write about and why you are the person to write it to voices@eater.com.

It is July 1, 2020, a little after 8:30 a.m. In just a few hours, we are finally going to reopen our dining room for the first time since lockdown orders went into effect in Los Angeles on March 16. Since Day One of the lockdown, we have innovated and adapted to keep the lights on in our taco restaurant, with a small takeout and delivery operation that employed 10 percent of our original staff. Now, I’m excited and nervous; these are uncertain times and we never know what’s coming next.

At 8:36 a.m., I receive an email from the Independent Hospitality Coalition, a group of California hospitality industry workers that I belong to. “Hearing from our people that the governor is going to announce that restaurants in some counties (including LA) will be closing indoor dining rooms at his noon press conference today,” it says.

I immediately grab my chefs and managers and tell them the news. There is silence for a while, during which I think about everything we did to get to this day to reopen. My stomach drops and I begin to rant. They never should have let us open, I say. We all knew this was going to happen.

I text my good friend and mentor, Melissa, the director of operations at République. She tells me that she is hearing the same thing. République opened not long after restaurants were first told they could reopen on May 29, and even as one of the best-run restaurant operations in LA, it has been hard for them. People are not ready to eat out, and too many of those who are are not taking the masks and social distancing seriously.

So I ask myself: Now what do we do?

In the two weeks leading up to this morning, we did 32 full hours of training on new COVID-19 protocols and safety measures and the importance of taking the pandemic seriously. We updated our menu, purchased the PPE required for reopening safely, invested in training, redesigned the restaurant’s layout, and did construction to create more space and incorporate plexiglass dividers. I could see, even through their masks and face shields, that my staff was excited and comfortable about reopening, and to have jobs again. We were doing everything by the book and taking the time needed to do it right. We had hope!

And now, this morning, we still have a restaurant to open. But all I can do is wait for the governor’s press conference, which is still 90 minutes away.

At 10:45 a.m., our GM, Gretel, does the line-up as if nothing is wrong. Spirits are so high among our staff, and we don’t want to bring them down. But I can’t stop thinking about what’s going to come next.

At 11 a.m., I go hide in my office. My partner, Dan, arrives at the restaurant to console me. The staff was so excited, and now I’m going to have to furlough them all again. I can’t take it, and I start crying. For the last four months, I’ve been on the verge of a mental breakdown, and now I think Dan is concerned that this will push me over the edge.

When LA County told us that restaurants could reopen on May 29, I also heard the news from my friends in the Independent Hospitality Coalition. I didn’t believe them: There was no way we could reopen without any warning. Well, I was dead wrong — we were given the green light to reopen on the “honor system,” meaning that if we followed all of the county’s guidelines and safety rules, we could open that same night.

Less than an hour after the announcement, I got a message from my landlord’s broker. “Congratulations on being able to reopen,” he said. My heart sank as my mind translated his message into: “Send the check when you can!”

Shortly after, I was on a call with the Independent Hospitality Coalition. No one I spoke with was feeling ready to reopen. Our dining rooms had turned into dry storage, our staff was furloughed. But our members were already driving past restaurants that had reopened, hastily “complying” with the guidelines. How could anyone have done it safely in 24 hours? We knew this was a problem: With no lead-in time to prepare, restaurant operators were being rewarded for rushing to open, and their prize was making as much money as quickly as possible.

I wanted to stay closed. However, as other restaurants began to open their dining rooms and people grew more eager to leave the house, our takeout business started to fall steeply. With our PPP funds drying up, I had to make the call to reopen as safely as humanly possible. As we began preparing, the team spent so much time thinking about our customers and our staff: How do we keep them safe? How do we behave as responsible members of our community?

With no lead-in time to prepare, restaurant operators were being rewarded for rushing to open, and their prize was making as much money as quickly as possible.

But even as we were holding ourselves to this standard, we had empathy for the operators who had just rolled the dice and said “fuck it” and decided to open. It is desperate times for restaurants, and many of us feel as though we have no choice: As operators, we work 12- to 14-hour days and typically haven’t been able to pool enough of our time or financial resources to be in the back pocket of the politicians making decisions.

Now, as I wait for the governor’s announcement, I ask myself what’s changed since May 29. Back then, our county didn’t meet any of the state’s requirements for reopening. And we still don’t. I feel completely abandoned by our leaders, and like we’ve lost for trying to comply and be as safe and careful as possible.

Recently, there was a bill in the California State Senate that really could have made a restaurant industry comeback possible during COVID-19: SB 939. It basically required landlords to enter rent renegotiations with tenants, and it would have given tenants and small businesses leverage to walk away without consequence if they couldn’t make it work. Members of the IHC, myself included, reached out to state senators, and many spoke with us. But when the bill reached the appropriations committee in late June, it was killed by real estate groups with money. Before the committee voted on the bill, we could not even get a Zoom meeting with state Sen. Anthony J. Portantino, its LA-based chair. We — the small businesses that employ almost half of California’s citizens and are on the ground trying to work with our landlords — mattered too little to him. When IHC contacted him after the bill died, he said he had no clue that landlords were not negotiating with tenants. We’ve since met with many politicians who have echoed the same sentiment: They truly believe that most landlords are working with tenants. In my experience, this is not the case.

Our elected officials’ total lack of consideration for a whole industry is unforgivable; anyone who loves going to restaurants or grabbing a drink after work should be pissed. If I was feeling petty, I would suggest every restaurant refuse service to politicians. Instead, I’m focusing on the Restaurants Act, a new bill being proposed in the Senate in Washington D.C. that could save us; it would establish a $120 billion relief fund that would be used to provide grants to independent restaurants. My true hope is that we can mobilize the restaurant industry to get it passed. Enjoying good food is a bipartisan issue.

As a woman of color, it feels wrong to be upset about this, given the systemic racist bullshit that is being protested around the country, and the basic equality and liberty that some of us are denied as its citizens. I am pulled back and forth between being upset as an operator and being upset as a non-Black person of color.

At 12 p.m., I listen to the governor confirm the earlier rumors: Restaurants are closed again.

Again, I ask myself, what do I do now? I am just out here trying to survive, trying to build generational wealth, trying to employ a great team of people. I am angry. As a woman, I am angry. As a small business owner, I am angry. As a non-Black person of color, I am angry. There is no winning for the little guys. We are under the boot of big business, politicians with price tags, and a system that has set us up to fail. Before the pandemic, it was easy to ignore these long-standing truths; I was busy and hustling. But now, it is impossible. And it’s one reason that Dina Samson, the co-owner of Rossoblu, and I, have been working on a project we tried to start before the pandemic: a guide to help educate our local leaders on how difficult it is to operate a restaurant in the city and how they can help. The pandemic has forced us to make time to do it.

At 4 p.m., we close our dining room. After a month of planning, it was open for five hours. We’re back to where we were before May 29, but now with less funds, too much inventory, and the dashed hopes of 45 people.

At 4:34 p.m., the chefs, managers, and I are sitting around a table. We’ve been here twice before: when the lockdown orders were announced in March, and when the dine-in orders were announced in May. We’ll adapt again. We always do.

At 6:13 p.m., the managers call our employees to furlough them again.

Brittney Valles is the longtime managing partner of Guerrilla Tacos, a restaurant in Los Angeles.

from Eater - All https://ift.tt/3jAZKpk https://ift.tt/30w5Cat

A booth at Guerrilla Tacos | Colin Wolf

We spent a month preparing to safely reopen our restaurant. Five hours after opening our doors, the state made us close again.

This is Eater Voices, where chefs, restaurateurs, writers, and industry insiders share their perspectives about the food world, tackling a range of topics through the lens of personal experience. First-time writer? Don’t worry, we’ll pair you with an editor to make sure your piece hits the mark. If you want to write an Eater Voices essay, please send us a couple paragraphs explaining what you want to write about and why you are the person to write it to voices@eater.com.

It is July 1, 2020, a little after 8:30 a.m. In just a few hours, we are finally going to reopen our dining room for the first time since lockdown orders went into effect in Los Angeles on March 16. Since Day One of the lockdown, we have innovated and adapted to keep the lights on in our taco restaurant, with a small takeout and delivery operation that employed 10 percent of our original staff. Now, I’m excited and nervous; these are uncertain times and we never know what’s coming next.

At 8:36 a.m., I receive an email from the Independent Hospitality Coalition, a group of California hospitality industry workers that I belong to. “Hearing from our people that the governor is going to announce that restaurants in some counties (including LA) will be closing indoor dining rooms at his noon press conference today,” it says.

I immediately grab my chefs and managers and tell them the news. There is silence for a while, during which I think about everything we did to get to this day to reopen. My stomach drops and I begin to rant. They never should have let us open, I say. We all knew this was going to happen.

I text my good friend and mentor, Melissa, the director of operations at République. She tells me that she is hearing the same thing. République opened not long after restaurants were first told they could reopen on May 29, and even as one of the best-run restaurant operations in LA, it has been hard for them. People are not ready to eat out, and too many of those who are are not taking the masks and social distancing seriously.

So I ask myself: Now what do we do?

In the two weeks leading up to this morning, we did 32 full hours of training on new COVID-19 protocols and safety measures and the importance of taking the pandemic seriously. We updated our menu, purchased the PPE required for reopening safely, invested in training, redesigned the restaurant’s layout, and did construction to create more space and incorporate plexiglass dividers. I could see, even through their masks and face shields, that my staff was excited and comfortable about reopening, and to have jobs again. We were doing everything by the book and taking the time needed to do it right. We had hope!

And now, this morning, we still have a restaurant to open. But all I can do is wait for the governor’s press conference, which is still 90 minutes away.

At 10:45 a.m., our GM, Gretel, does the line-up as if nothing is wrong. Spirits are so high among our staff, and we don’t want to bring them down. But I can’t stop thinking about what’s going to come next.

At 11 a.m., I go hide in my office. My partner, Dan, arrives at the restaurant to console me. The staff was so excited, and now I’m going to have to furlough them all again. I can’t take it, and I start crying. For the last four months, I’ve been on the verge of a mental breakdown, and now I think Dan is concerned that this will push me over the edge.

When LA County told us that restaurants could reopen on May 29, I also heard the news from my friends in the Independent Hospitality Coalition. I didn’t believe them: There was no way we could reopen without any warning. Well, I was dead wrong — we were given the green light to reopen on the “honor system,” meaning that if we followed all of the county’s guidelines and safety rules, we could open that same night.

Less than an hour after the announcement, I got a message from my landlord’s broker. “Congratulations on being able to reopen,” he said. My heart sank as my mind translated his message into: “Send the check when you can!”

Shortly after, I was on a call with the Independent Hospitality Coalition. No one I spoke with was feeling ready to reopen. Our dining rooms had turned into dry storage, our staff was furloughed. But our members were already driving past restaurants that had reopened, hastily “complying” with the guidelines. How could anyone have done it safely in 24 hours? We knew this was a problem: With no lead-in time to prepare, restaurant operators were being rewarded for rushing to open, and their prize was making as much money as quickly as possible.

I wanted to stay closed. However, as other restaurants began to open their dining rooms and people grew more eager to leave the house, our takeout business started to fall steeply. With our PPP funds drying up, I had to make the call to reopen as safely as humanly possible. As we began preparing, the team spent so much time thinking about our customers and our staff: How do we keep them safe? How do we behave as responsible members of our community?

With no lead-in time to prepare, restaurant operators were being rewarded for rushing to open, and their prize was making as much money as quickly as possible.

But even as we were holding ourselves to this standard, we had empathy for the operators who had just rolled the dice and said “fuck it” and decided to open. It is desperate times for restaurants, and many of us feel as though we have no choice: As operators, we work 12- to 14-hour days and typically haven’t been able to pool enough of our time or financial resources to be in the back pocket of the politicians making decisions.

Now, as I wait for the governor’s announcement, I ask myself what’s changed since May 29. Back then, our county didn’t meet any of the state’s requirements for reopening. And we still don’t. I feel completely abandoned by our leaders, and like we’ve lost for trying to comply and be as safe and careful as possible.

Recently, there was a bill in the California State Senate that really could have made a restaurant industry comeback possible during COVID-19: SB 939. It basically required landlords to enter rent renegotiations with tenants, and it would have given tenants and small businesses leverage to walk away without consequence if they couldn’t make it work. Members of the IHC, myself included, reached out to state senators, and many spoke with us. But when the bill reached the appropriations committee in late June, it was killed by real estate groups with money. Before the committee voted on the bill, we could not even get a Zoom meeting with state Sen. Anthony J. Portantino, its LA-based chair. We — the small businesses that employ almost half of California’s citizens and are on the ground trying to work with our landlords — mattered too little to him. When IHC contacted him after the bill died, he said he had no clue that landlords were not negotiating with tenants. We’ve since met with many politicians who have echoed the same sentiment: They truly believe that most landlords are working with tenants. In my experience, this is not the case.

Our elected officials’ total lack of consideration for a whole industry is unforgivable; anyone who loves going to restaurants or grabbing a drink after work should be pissed. If I was feeling petty, I would suggest every restaurant refuse service to politicians. Instead, I’m focusing on the Restaurants Act, a new bill being proposed in the Senate in Washington D.C. that could save us; it would establish a $120 billion relief fund that would be used to provide grants to independent restaurants. My true hope is that we can mobilize the restaurant industry to get it passed. Enjoying good food is a bipartisan issue.

As a woman of color, it feels wrong to be upset about this, given the systemic racist bullshit that is being protested around the country, and the basic equality and liberty that some of us are denied as its citizens. I am pulled back and forth between being upset as an operator and being upset as a non-Black person of color.

At 12 p.m., I listen to the governor confirm the earlier rumors: Restaurants are closed again.

Again, I ask myself, what do I do now? I am just out here trying to survive, trying to build generational wealth, trying to employ a great team of people. I am angry. As a woman, I am angry. As a small business owner, I am angry. As a non-Black person of color, I am angry. There is no winning for the little guys. We are under the boot of big business, politicians with price tags, and a system that has set us up to fail. Before the pandemic, it was easy to ignore these long-standing truths; I was busy and hustling. But now, it is impossible. And it’s one reason that Dina Samson, the co-owner of Rossoblu, and I, have been working on a project we tried to start before the pandemic: a guide to help educate our local leaders on how difficult it is to operate a restaurant in the city and how they can help. The pandemic has forced us to make time to do it.

At 4 p.m., we close our dining room. After a month of planning, it was open for five hours. We’re back to where we were before May 29, but now with less funds, too much inventory, and the dashed hopes of 45 people.

At 4:34 p.m., the chefs, managers, and I are sitting around a table. We’ve been here twice before: when the lockdown orders were announced in March, and when the dine-in orders were announced in May. We’ll adapt again. We always do.

At 6:13 p.m., the managers call our employees to furlough them again.

Brittney Valles is the longtime managing partner of Guerrilla Tacos, a restaurant in Los Angeles.

from Eater - All https://ift.tt/3jAZKpk via Blogger https://ift.tt/3juvagP

[totalconway]

The Right Kinda Fat Shit

A bit of water went under the bridge between acting in ‘The Unsung Docker’ and my next acting job. In that time I got to open for some big name comedians including Steve-O from Jackass, Doug Stanhope, and Donell Rawlings from Chapelle show.

In that same time I was awarded the ‘Fuck off to Melbourne Award’ at the annual Doustie Awards (The Perth Comedy Scene Awards) but I had already set my sights on a move to Sydney to pursue my comedy dream a little less then 2 years into starting stand up.

So after I packed my things and left my job I headed for the big city lights of Sydney. I had only been to Sydney a handful of times prior to moving there, once to see Danny Green vs Anthony Mundine, the second was to see Jay and Silent Bob Live after their Perth show sold out and the third time was to perform at the Sydney Comedy Store to perform at their Christmas show. It was a huge honour for me so early in my comedy career to be invited to perform at the Sydney Comedy Store as it is arguably the best comedy club in Australia. It felt like I was being presented with a black belt for an art form I was still wrapping my head around. My decision to move to Sydney was made easier by the fact that one of my best mates was heading over as well and we agreed to rent together in the inner west suburb of Petersham.

After working for 10 years on the Docks, manual labor jobs was something I was trying to avoid at all costs so I applied for some weird jobs. Some jobs I didn’t even realise were a thing including a job making sales commission on selling Paralympic Pins. After sitting in the interview and listening to the lady explain in a thousand different ways but never actually saying “You will sell Pins for a commission” I politely declined and hauled my unemployed ass back to Petersham.

After the success of ‘The Unsung Docker’ I was keen to dip my toe in the acting pool again, if only to fill in my days of unemployment creatively. I went searching through the website ‘StarNow’, which is essentially the Craiglists of media work and applied for numerous gigs. Along with the short films and University projects I applied for I also applied to be represented by an acting agent so they could make the job search easier for me. After a few days I received a call about my application and they were super keen to have me on their books which was weird because the only film credit I had was ‘The Unsung Docker’. I’ve always been skeptical of people who are too excited to offer me something because 99.9% of the time its something you don’t want.

I reluctantly agreed to sign with them, I figured if this was a scam they wouldn’t be able to get any money out of me because I’m fucking broke but sure enough a week later true to their word they sent me out for my first audition. The gig was paying $2000 for a days work playing a delivery man for a Tatts Lotto commercial. Being $2000 for a days work I wasn’t exactly confident because I felt you needed to have some serious acting chops to make $2000 a day. In my mind that’s like ‘Home and Away’ money. But sure enough, I went to the audition and for the first of many times in my acting career I was the right kinda fat shit.

I don’t remember much of the commercial, it never made it to air. All I remember was pushing an empty refrigerator box and pretending it was full. My experience in manual labour had given me the skills to be able to look like I work harder than I do so I was able to nail the performance. The only other thing I remember from the shoot was that the little girl in the scene was a spoilt little rich kid and was as annoying as fuck for the whole day. She kinda reminded me of Veruca from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory only she didn’t die chasing golden duck eggs.

When the shoot was done I had to wait a few weeks to get paid and after union fees and my agents cut I ended up only making about $1100 which is less Home and Away money and more regular Delivery Man money.

In between acting jobs I was still hitting up ‘StarNow’ to find independent projects to cut my teeth on. Only two stood out, one was playing a a security guard ( I think my character died in it but I don’t remember) the other was me in a suit watching a chick dance in front of me with a red light filling the room. The scene felt like a cross between a David Lynch film and a soft core porno. I have yet to see either of these films but I’m sure I nailed the fat guy character they were looking for.

During this time, I finally buckled on avoiding manual labour work and got a job at the Airport working for REX Airline which is a small regional airline. One of the most brain numbing jobs I ever experienced, so much so I started regretting not taking that sweet sweet Paralympic Pin money. The REX job was to purely help me pay the bills and it barely did that. My excitement for living in the big city lights of Sydney was starting to dimmer.

During one particular shift I got a call from my agent saying that I had been offered another gig. I didn’t even have to audition I just had to meet the director and see if we “vibed”. I asked my agent why I didn’t have to audition for this film and she blew so much smoke up my ass I felt like I was sitting on top of a volcano. She said “I was the best actor on their books”, “how incredibly talented I was”, and “how I have a big future in acting”. Pretty much saying I was the next Heath Ledger and for a millisecond I actually believed it until I read the character description “Fat, Balding, pale, poor skin etc etc”. The gig was for an anti obesity health campaign and I was like, Fuck that! two seconds ago you were describing me as the next Heath Ledger and now you want me to do a role that is me just being a fatty fat boombardy FUCK THAT. Then she said it was paying $5000 so I agreed to do it. 

We didn’t really need an excuse to party in Petersham so being offered $5000 for an acting job is as good as any. We also had friends over from Perth and what better way to celebrate my thriving acting career than getting drunk with the Perth crew. Partying was not the best decision because I ended sleeping in and had to race to the meet and greet with the director stinking of piss (alcohol and my own) looking super haggard and feeling paranoid I may have flushed $5000 down the toilet. I managed to get to the meeting in time by spending my last few bucks on an Uber, walked into the meeting looking disgusting and smelling like an alley way. I walked in to meet the Director gingerly and feeling a bit embarrassed about the state I was in. Too my surprise though, my night on the piss had helped me become the living embodiment of their ‘Fat piece of shit character’ they wanted for the commercial. So I left the meeting on a high but with no more money, I ended up spending the next 3 hours getting home for round 2 of Partying Perth style.

It actually paid about $10,000 because every year it aired I would get paid another $5000 in roll over cost.

The shoot ended up being 3 days and it was pretty chilled, I literally had one scene with no dialogue. I pretty much just had to sit there and be fat and sad which was surprisingly hard considering the guy directing the commercial was mostly known for working on comedies so we had a lot of banter in those 3 days. The third day of the shoot was my time to shine, I had to sit there and be told how my fat is killing me etc etc. It was the most important shot of the commercial because this is where they drive home the point that Fat is Bad.

There was some tension on this day because the big honchos of NSW Health who were paying for the commercial wanted to sit in and watch and make sure the scene was delivering their Fat is Bad message. So my first thought was what better way to show off my comedy skills in front of the director than to crack a joke during this pivotal scene. When the Doctor said to me “All that toxic fat can lead to blah blah... its not looking good” I turned to my wife in the scene and said in the saddest voice I could “I better lay off the meat pies then”, This popped the tension in the room and got the whole crew laughing. Its not the best joke but it was good enough to send the crew into a giggle fit after a hard couple of days. Everyone was laughing except the producer who came marching down yelling and screaming about having a bit of respect for NSW Health who were there and are taking this very seriously (Fuck off cunt). NSW Health have been paying to fat shame me for 3 fucking days, they can go fuck themselves if they can’t handle one Meat Pie joke. Getting told off made the crew laugh even harder. They struggled like school children being told off at an assembly but once everyone got their composure back we shot the scene and it was a wrap. 

After the fat commercial I felt I was done with acting. Don’t get me wrong acting is a lot of fun but it kinda loses its magic when you’re whole role is sitting their looking fat. 

One of the ways I tried reigniting the spark to do acting was when I came across a ‘Kickstarter’ campaign for Troma’s new film Return to Nuke em High Vol 2. Troma was a big part of my childhood with the toy line Toxic Crusaders which was inspired by the animated series and not the incredibly gory live action movies. With ‘Kickstarter’ campaigns they have rewards depending on the amount of money you donate and for $3500 you could have the legendary Lloyd Kauffman direct a 5 minute short film that I would write. I jumped at the opportunity to buy this reward not only would I be following in the same steps as actors like Kevin Costner, Samuel L Jackson, James Gunn who got their start doing Troma films, but it was a great excuse to head over to New York. 

I purchased this reward which was $3500USD, it was not only all the money I made working on the fat commercial but it was also all of my pay from REX Airline for that fortnight after.( I didn’t take into consideration the exchange rate). I made my investment in 2015 and I finally received the DVD copy and posters at the end of 2019. It was a slow process but definitely looking forward to heading over once this COVID-19 shit is over and done with. I don’t think I’ll use the original script I wrote in 2015 called Love/Life about a guy who develops a relationship with the girl who catfished him, she also happens to be a Banshee.

A few months later I got sent for another audition this time it was a paid short film called The Spa. What was the role? Well Fat delivery man of course! but this one was different, it was an amazing script and I actually had dialogue which is always great. 

I ended up scoring the role of Moose and part of the job requirement was having to do table reads with the other cast members. Still being naive I thought this was a bit of over kill for a short film but if I’m getting paid and it gets me out of a days work so I’m happy to do all the table reads you want. I’m glad they did the table reads because when I went in for the rehearsal I was star struck by the cast. 

After the Fat Commercial I had bitch and moaned to the universe to give me a role that would show I could hold my own against the best of the best and not just a guy whose there for being the right kinda fat. In return the universe slapped me into check when I walked in for the first table read and saw the cast that included Chris Haywood, Jay Laga'aia who have pretty much starred in every great piece of Australian cinema and  Peter Moalaeua who I had seen on a bunch of TV commercials. They say be careful what you wish for and I was definitely worried I had bitten off more than I could chew. It was a dream come true to work with the likes of these actors and also a huge motivator to make sure I could hold my own against these acting beast.

The shoot for The Spa was absolutely amazing, working with some of the most talented actors and crew in the country. Watching Chris Haywood and Jay Laga’aia on set was one of the greatest experiences. Observing them walk around just nailing every take and then joking and laughing with the rest of the crew and doing so with absolutely zero ego.

This reminds me, after the shoot Jay Laga’aia drove me as close as he could to my flat in Petersham and then gave me his $50 Taxi gift voucher to help me get the rest of the way home. It was a crazy experience driving home with Jay because we’re talking about comedy and what not and I’m sitting there like Jay Laga’aia is giving me a lift home, this dude was in fucking Star Wars.  

Working on The Spa was an amazing experience and it is incredibly humbling to sit back and watch the success it has had. Being showcased at film festivals all around the world and picking up numerous awards. 

Acting is a weird industry. I’ve loved all the opportunities I’ve gotten, even the shit ones because sometimes you have to work through the Fat Shit Roles to get the skills to be the Fat Shit you’ve always dreamed of. The right kinda fat shit.

[dinoalexander]

Your Moment of Zen: The Gourmet Academy’s Semi-Quotable 2019 Quotedown Quotetacular

Ladies and gentlemen and non-binary conforming life forms across seven star systems... the Gourmet Academy’s World Famous Get Down Like a Hound Party ‘til You Puke Semi-Quotable 2019 Quotedown Quotetacular... is ON! === “Time to play everybody’s favorite game show, Fireworks or Gunshots?” -BFG

“Goddamnit. I have to be the adult, don’t I?” -Gordon

“You can copy the format, you can copy the look, but you can’t copy culture!” -UBA

“Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this craziness.” -Kimberly

“Starting a petition to have Barbara Walters do the ball drop next New Years just to hear her say, ‘I’m Barbara Walters and this is 2020.’” -Chelsea

“Hello, Antonio Brown's Shiny Helmet Emporium, how can I help you? What's your pleasure?” -Carl

“Watch me whip out my Shenehneh.” -Gordon

“I feel like I’m watching one of my movies, because this whole damn thing sucks.” -John Cena

“I giggled.” -Michael

“I’m not saying BH90210 is the worst thing in the history of all recorded media, but if somebody had the theory that Luke Perry faked his own death to avoid any and all association with it, I would be willing to entertain that theory.” -Kevin

“Any day the key card works is a win.” -Joe Ovies

“She played a fiddle in an Irish band...” -Ed Sheeran “No she didn’t.” (Click) -Chico

“CBS was callin’, I’m Black Monty Hallin’.” -Wayne Brady

“Richard Quest on CNN!  He's gonna ask the rest of the 500 questions!” -Klaussie

“Work. What is this work bullshit?” -Gordon

“Verizon and Tegna, when the carriage agreement ended.” -MD

“I got my words! I got my friends! I got my words WITH my friends!” -Megan

“Thoughts and prayers to the Love Boat, who had her on so frequently her name probably appeared higher up on the call sheet than Isaac or Doc.” -Kevin

“Another fine product from Assmung.” -Carl

“Remember how I thought Adam Gase was a total piece of crap? I have been proven right. Fuck Adam Gase and the horse that rode in on him.” -Cyndi

“Walls? Where we’re going, we don’t need walls.” -Laura

“I’m a person who wants to be productive trapped inside a person who wants to sleep all day.” -Cortney

“Tommy Chong is a THC-list celebrity.” -JB

“Hey did you know that Francesa met Secretariat?” -Greg

“In a year when Black Panther told a story of a black superhero in a futuristic world struggling with real questions about how to deal with racial oppression, and BlacKkKlansman told a story of racial wounds in America that continue to this day and the need for allies to put themselves on the line, Best Picture went to Green Book, the story of a brilliant black musician as told through the white guy who drove him around. Okay.” -Kristin

“Advice: avoid sugar, Oregon Trail diseases, & women named in Mambo No. 5.” -Austin

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but so will my poor eating habits and bad decisions.” -Sarah Pribis

“She was prepared to kill a cockroach with a baseball bat.” -me on overzealous providers

“I am the crocodonkey.” -Klauss

“Aaaaaand we just lost Quisla.” -C

“Can Scaramucci last longer than a Scaramucci?” -...I don’t know, somebody.

“I want dysentery! ... wait what?” -Kyle

“My boobs are not real.” -Gordon

“I want to stop this show and take 10% of you outside, right now!" -Chris Harrison

“OMG Parallel Universe me, stop it!” -C

“I figured out who should host the Oscars ... Colin Kaepernick! Dude still needs a job, right? Also, he’s like two or three times the size of Kevin Hart. I bet we could pay him the same amount, so it’s like getting a bargain! Of course, I’ll want a modest consulting fee from the Academy. Problem solved. You’re welcome.” -Clint

“How the hell am I supposed to put this thing together? Are there instructions or am I just supposed to wing it?” -C “Even IKEA gives me instructions in a foreign language and a tiny ass tool.” -Q

"The only place you see Success before Work is in the Dictionary: -Mauro Ranallo NXT Takeover Phoenix

“A bold statement from a guy dressed as a hippo on a talent show.” -Klauss

“If you wanted the chicken fingers that badly, you could have asked for one instead of taking the whole plate of food.” -Gordon

“Time to play “Sexy or Sleepy”?” -C

“... that means ‘Eff you, you, you, and you’.” -Jason “That’s my autobiography right there.” -Gordon

“The magic thing about home is it feels good to leave but it feels better to come back.” -Emily “Home is a bit like that.” -C

“Thoughts and prayers to Ryan Stiles, who has lost his go-to celebrity impression.” -BB

“Hey, the Lord works in mysterious ways, but you don’t have to, USE YOUR TURN SIGNAL, ASSHOLE!” -Q

“What, you think people do coke once?” -Greg

“I can read off a TelePrompTer like a motherfucker.” -Kristen Bell

“‘Thank God we will be able to see more Pat Buchanan on TV’ said no one ever. I mean, for fuck’s sake, the last thing that is needed is another show featuring a panel of bloviating pundits. I get it. It’s cheap and easy to produce. But so is p*rn.” -Kevin, on The McLaughlin Group

“After watching HQ Words you wonder why Anna Roisman hasn't hit the big time yet. After watching HQ After Dark, you can completely understand why.” -Gordon

“If I die tonight, I want two of the Woodpeckers, two of the Football Tar Heels, and two of the Panthers to serve as my pallbearers so they can all let me down one more time.” -C, on Bad Sports Week 2019

“The first time is flattery, the second time is a lie.” -Michael

“I went to the mall with my pops. I saw something driving to there that truly shocked me. Someone had an orange Ford F650 extended cab pick up truck… With duallies… A rolling coal smokestack… And hubcaps with spikes on each of the nuts. And my only thought was… “My God… It must be MICROSCOPIC!” -Brian

“Would’ve expected to see “Employees must wash hands before returning to work”, posted in the restroom, but alright NOLA, still good looking out I guess...” -Casey

“Because....um.....going from a 40 to a 33 waist apparently makes people want to bed you.” -Gordon

“Breaking news: Idiot talks to idiot on a channel watched by idiots.” -Kevin

“Screaming tree maraca!” -Dahlia

“Looks like I fell down on the job.  Metaphorically, because literally would make me Oprah Rich and I'd be full of imported cheese right now.” -Laura

“In another decade or so, somebody is going to make a documentary on Ken Burns documentaries. The TRT will be 152 years.” -Kevin

“May your 2019 be filled with happiness, prosperity, great cocktails,  laughter, and Waffle House when you need it most.” -Rick Wilson

“There are sober people in England... No there’s not!” -Mike the CD

“Oh... oh.... oh....” -Q “IT’S MAGIC!” -C

“And finally, some of y’all still out here begging (I’m mean, pure, unadulterated BEGGING) for attention (I’m talking ANY attention) and validation. Lord Jesus put that sadness away. Just put it away.” - Michael

“I’m thinking of a number. The number is 10. You go first.” -JD

“Also, I would take tasteful pics of me making pizza naked. I'm only 30 and I'm only gonna look like this once.” -Kimberly D

“I have ADD. You wanna ride a bike? I’m gonna drink some water. Rooooooam if you want to... This coffee’s really delicious. I’m a sucker for you.” -Q

“Matthew Judon... Body built by Taco Bell.” -Matthew Judon, professional football player

“YEAH!!!! 1943, BITCH!” -my response to Q’s retelling of the events leading up to the Battle of Midway.

“Depending upon the inflection (Bless your heart) can mean anything from “oh you poor thing” to “would you lend me your brain?, I’m building an idiot”.” -Brian

“Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.” -LiyaZee

“That is a giant banana!” -Chris Ahearn, re: a giant banana “Why thank you!” -JB

“Betty White the Happy Homehooker.” -C

“I'll only have a hamberder if I can have it with covfefe.” -The Governess

“I will never forget when you surprised my ass in Atlantic City. That was the weekend of the Press Your Luck Prime Rib.” -JB “That was my first taste of the juice.” -Chico “And you been on the corner... ever since... looking for a fix.” -JB

“Sounds like a generic dude who owns the Ford dealership in every single city in America.” -BFG’s response to “Who is Tom Steyer?”

“Time to switch to Channel 7...” -Cyndi, getting ready to launch a Dallas recap style recap

“The only difference I've noticed this year is that now I get told, "OK Boomer", when I complain about holiday creep.” -Trey

“A 21st Century Koan... If a vegan that sold essential oils begin doing CrossFit… Which would they tell you about first?” -Brian

“Sorry I shoved my hair in your face.” -Christina

“You are turning into a Burberry wearing, wine drinking, charcoal mask wearing kinda guy... AND I COULDN’T BE PROUDER!” -Q

“Instead of airing new Love Island episodes, something tells me CBS is better off rerunning “The Mentalist”. -Doug “CBS is better off running Secret Talents of thr Stars.” -Gordon

“How far along are you?” -some guy “Oh, about six burritos and about a dozen cupcakes.” -Kimberly

“Answers and bribes go into the Corona Extra bucket.” -Michael

“Dear God, Please watch over Cole Anthony’s shoes.” -C

“What’s that scent you’re wearing? Oh, a little something I call washing your ass.” -Q

“You ever just wish there was a coffee delivery service? .... I do.” -Kathleen

“I’m just another brother with a game show.” -BFG

“(Unintelligible) ... Thicke of the niiiight.” -Greg’s impersonation of Gilbert Gottfried’s impersonation of Alan Thicke

“Antonio Brown doesn’t need football - ‘They’re going to play by my rules.’ A bold statement from a guy dressed as a hippo on a talent show.” -Klaussie

“You keep your head high and your middle finger higher.” -Alex

“There has to be a more scientific name for the penis. ... Intermittent organ?” —Gordon “That sounds pretentious enough to be scientific.” -C

“Zooey is saved for awkward sexy stories. Jeff Zucker is someone I don't want associated with "sexy stories".” -Dane

“Ryan is as Canadian as it gets. I think he bleeds maple syrup.” -C

“Turns out Gillette doesn’t work well with sensitive skin after all.” -Ben Rejmer

“Are you drinking something funny there, sunshine?” -Statboy

“It's so cold out here on the east coast that Jim Dolan, the brilliant genius that he is, decided to warm the citizens of Manhattan up and turn MSG into a giant dumpster fire.” -Gordon

“Ziggy is my spirit animal.” -C

“It may sound bougie, but.. you look good, you play good. You play good... they PAY good.” -Cam Newton

“We could be flying Pan Am Clippers to Venus. But MTV stopped playing music, legalized weed, and elected Donald Trump.” -C

“I get it. Tom Brady = deflated balls. Alex Guerrero = "inflates them". Hookers like Tom Brady. Damn, Alex Guerrero is better than Viagra.” -Klaussie

“I think I found the pony under the pile of shit." -Kimberly

“Skype sucks ass.” -Gordon

“In this troubled times, I like to put my hand over the  kidney in my heart, stare at the moon of Mars contemplating how the wheel is older than the wall, the great things Frederick Douglas is doing  & just being thankful I have ID to buy cereal, thankful for George Washington Airport victories & I don't have Windmill cancer.” -Trent Capelli...Twitter

“Sugar isn't "worse than cocaine."  You're not killing yourself by ingesting sugars either in foods or in your coffee.  People who are selling you weightloss programs want to tell you that you're killing yourself but there is no scientific evidence that sugar kills humans.   Thank you for attending my TEDtalk.” - Shrub

“I found a love...” -Ed Sheeran “No you didn’t.” (Click) -Chico

“Many of you are wondering about my mental state after the Vols game last night. I assure you last night I slept like a baby. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry...” -Brian

“If you paid $7 for a Jack & Coke, you got jacked.” -Klaussie “... and Coked.” -C

“Rich Eisen getting triggered by an f’n commercial for 9-1-1 because it featured a fictional situation in a place where his kid goes to is the most white guy thing ever.” -Greg

“And now that your reagent is all nice and mixed and all the chemicals have gotten to know each other, gently put the reagent cartridge onto the instrument. Gently... GENTLY, YOU IDIOT!” -C, to himself

“... goddamned hula shirt.” -Q

“The person who wrote the article needs to be taken in the back and have their writing license revoked. And then shot. And then never be allowed to touch a keyboard again. And then have their hands chopped off.” -Gordon

“They got Bowzer next to Barbi Benton, the lucky son of a bitch.” -C

“Here's what gets me every time I see the trailer for the Cats movie...these are all successful actors. Like...nobody in this movie actually needs to do this.” -Lana

“I made Chico donate $24 to Extra Life.” -Gordon

“You guys are compact cars like I’m a gay, wasted white girl.” -Q

“HQ is like the divorced dad with a much younger, hippy dippy, girlfriend-- and the kids don't want to visit.” -Amberlee

“Suck down your coffee like you own it!” -Hollie

“DRUM SOLO!!!” -Weird Al

“You know when you’re a podcaster you need a good vocabulary. I did always have one. When I was young I mixed up Jacuzzi and Yakuza. And for a while I was in hot water with the Japanese mafia.” -Brian

“It’s game of thrones, but I’m much less Jon Snow and much more Johnny Mudstorm.” -Gordon

“Skype is being a ho.” -Jason

“It's a less-sensitive Soul Man, in a time we need no such shit.” -Klauss

“I thought you were gonna get a room.” -Chapel Hill Phil “I thought you were gonna mind your business.” -Chico “.... that’s fair.” -CHP

“For those of you who are upset about being single on Valentines Day, remember this... 99% of my socks are single but you don’t see them crying about it!” -Connor

“They are selling CBD oil at Bed Bath and Beyond?! I’m sure that’s quality stuff. Honky, please!” -Christina

“She is twisted. If she swallowed a nail, she’d shit out a corkscrew.” -Q

“Oh Taylor Swift. Patron saint of Pride Month. Thank God for straight white girls.” -Michael

“Apollo’s Chariot: “I’m the biggest baddest hypercoaster on the eastern seaboard.” Intimidator 305: “... Bless your heart.” Fury: “Both of you can hold my sweet tea.”” -C

“I don't know you and I sure as heck don't know your sister.” -Klaussie

“Nothing makes you stronger than having no choice in the matter. You’re strong because you have to be.” -Christina’s dad

“Apparently people have mistaken my professional courtesy with genuine interest.” -Michael

“Jon Bauman, you dingleberry!” -Chico a la James May

“Bad enough it’s Scott but it’s Comic Sans, so that makes it even worse.” -Nick “Gentlemen... start your whacking!” -Cyndi “PHRASING!” -Jay, Chico, JVG

“As Robert Downey Jr. once said...” -Cindy

“Whenever I see a married couple with a joint Facebook page, I never, ever have any thought other than "I wonder which one of 'em cheated."” -Adam

“Why is Dan Orlovsky talking football and why should I take anything Safetyman says seriously?” -Cyndi

“Okay, you're a billionaire and can easily afford top-of-the-line call girls at $5,000 to $10,000 an hour and you go to a sleazy massage parlor where the women smell like lavender and shame (so I've heard).” -Steve

“My floor is occupied with eggs.” -Gordon

“Quis, your thing is making noise. Can you make it... not make noise?” -C

“I’ve been waiting at the phone for 29 years hoping someone can win this cruise!” -Klaussie

“If you wanted the chicken fingers that badly, you could have asked for one instead of taking the whole plate of food. #WelcomeBackToLeague #BowlerCityThievery #CheckingTheCamerasAfterLeague.” -Gordon

“I'm proud to say I only cried five times.  Admittedly, once was during the opening credits...” -Prof. O

“Phone calls in the mor-NING!” -C, describing his job as a radio jingle

“Okay, the shirt I was wearing when Liza gave me a slimy hug...I wanted to keep wearing it but I also loved the way the slime stains looked on it, so I waited six weeks to wash it so the slime stains would be totally set in. I just did laundry and there’s not a slime stain to be found anywhere on this shirt. On the one hand, mildly disappointed, but on the other hand, holy crap, Tide just made a customer for life out of me.” -Adam

"Really, you don't go back to the crazy ex-girlfriend. You leave her in the insane asylum." -Rafael Siegel, former Cash Show host

“Don't slap Charlotte in her boobs, you're just making her ANGRY!” -Brian

“Is it bigger than a Bird Box?” -Adam Nedeff’s take on What’s My Line?/Bird Box

“That song Birthday Sex is depressing when it’s your birthday and you have no sex.” -Red

“Politics politics politics Sean Spicer politics politics politics DWTS politics politics politics shimmy shimmy shimmy politics politics politics *tea sip*” -Kimberly

“We may need to add Brie Larson to the "How big is Batista's dick?" question list.” -Dane

“Chico and I not only know that we;re going to Hell, we requested a nice suite, complete with kitchen, spa and bidet, Aaron is coming also. We should have room in the suite for more if you want to join us.” -Gordon

“If Bill Cosby is telling you to get out, get out.  Else, you'll get a dinner drink with a special surprise.” -Klauss

“Hey, what’s coming out this May?” -Q “(Incoherent slurring)” -C “Really? Who’s in it?” -Q “Ryan Reynolds, I dunno.” -C

“I feel like Neville Longbottom with a remembrall.” -Amberlee

“Comically oversized shit sells. It's America, bigger is better.” -Jessica

“You’ve heard of salt in a wound or lemon juice on a paper cut... but have you heard of Oxi Clean powder on a fingernail you cut too short? Pro tip: avoid that.” -Coby

“I have an idea.” -Q “OH NO!!!! NOT AN IDEA!!!!” -C

“Truck contains political promises.” -actual septic truck

“Uhh... framing?” -C

“It’s very easy to get friends on these apps if you say you’re a hot chick.” -Gordon

“Woodstock 50 cancelled after organizers determined they can’t make it as hilarious as Fyre Fest.” -Adam

“Age and wisdom divorced decades ago. Stupid people get old too.” -Austin

“They put some extra claps in this.” -C, re: CS2019 theme

“I hope she’s dreaming the biggest, bestest dreams... and I hope she never stops.” -Kathleen, on her new little girl.

“You think it’s awkward buying condoms, try returning them!” -Q

“If Mississippi State wins the Outback Bowl, we all get free Bloomin' Onions. If Iowa wins, we all get free Coconut Shrimp. If that's not reason enough to root for Iowa, I don't know what to tell you.” -Matty

“Full hearts, full stomachs, can’t poop.” -Evil Travis

“That's it. Officially referring to my boobs as my "small turkeys".” -LiyaZee

“More phone calls in the mor-NING!” -C, describing his job as a radio jingle

“Tried watching pre-debate coverage, but the phrase "brutal Darwinian logic of winnowing" sent me back to Press Your Luck.” -Heather

“...if we hold up a painting of Hurricane Dorian, will it die?” -Amberlee

“Hey Cindy... you married that.” -C

“Literatively? Okay.” -Gordon

“I plan on going with Chef from South Park's line on that one -- "There's a time and a place for everything, and it's called college."” - Kristin, on “Break Up With Your Girlfriend (Because I’m Bored)”

“Allegiant Stadium. Much like the Raiders... A WORK IN PROGRESS.” -C

“Nobody could sing like Milli Vanilli… But let’s be fair neither could they.” -Brian

“Gar-a-giola, Gar-a-giola, STRIIIIIIKE IT RICH! Gar-a-giola, Gar-a-giola, STRIIIIIIKE IT RICH! Strike! It! Riiiiich! Strike! It! Riiiiich! Gar-a-giola, Gar-a-giola, STRIIIIIIKE IT RICH!” -Nedeff’s lyrics to the love theme from “Strike It Richl by Hal Hidey

“In God we trust, all others must provide research-based, peer-reviewed data.” -Aryn

“Go-gurt™: because fuck spoons and decency.” -Sarah Ann

“Like I said ESPN is to the Patriots what FOX News is to the Republican Party.” -Greg

“That is like walking hepatitis.” -Tim DeLaGhetto

“Will there be any trivia questions on your trivia question show?” -Erskine

“I’m a journalism major, so I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” -BFG

“That’s Right is the Adam Gase of trivia apps.” -Greg

“And yes, Bill Maher does in fact molest collies, and goats...and sheep...and Chicago Bears. 😜” -JVG

“In the words of my dear uncle Paul, ‘Google it, bitch! I’m not here to educate you!’” -Nikki

“You know what they call the guy who graduates last in medical school?” -Megan “A doctor!” -C

“You can never win an argument with an idiot or an asshole. Idiots don’t know they’re wrong, and assholes won’t even consider the possibility that they could be wrong. You can’t help it if you’re an idiot sometimes, but don’t be an asshole. Just something to think about going into 2019.” -Clint

“No Ganos is good Ganos with Graham Gano.” -Tim

“Enough loonies to fill up the Bank of Montreal.” -Klauss

“In the age of auto correct no less, it makes me shudder when I see the leader of the free world making fifth grade grammar mistakes.” -Q

“You look like who did it and why.” -Mary

“Ow, my check! ... I mean, ow, my neck!” -Big Rick

“This woman on Wheel of Fortune has two grandchildren named Kennedy and Nixon, and I have questions.” -Melanie

“You’re the President of the United States and getting dragged by fucking Burger King. It’s just... wonderful.” -Shannon

“Classy, Like a White House Big Mac.” -Actual team trivia name

“Sex is a mistake 9 out of 10 times.” -Michael

“Who signs the cat?” -Carl

“This feels like an SNL sketch. Where’s Bill Hader?” -Greg

“Yeah! And uh...I played HQ with one of them in a hotel room. Wait, that sounds creepy.” -BFG “More than that.  (No, THAT sounds creepy.) You have played online trivia with one of them.  Surely you ran into or at least saw others in Vegas.” -Klaussie

the subject: The Jeopardy! All-Stars

“Step 1: Go to McDonald's. Step 2: Order a Shamrock Shake. There, now you don't have to read the article.” -Prof. O via Evil Travis. The question: “How to order a Shamrock Shake.”

Lunch lady: “Hey Dino! Get me a grape soda! I’m thirsty!” C, after an insane amount of giggling: “You said it, not me.”

“Some bitch decided she wanted to be a bitch.” -C

AP headline on Twitter: "Tim Tebow struggling in Triple-A; still a work in progress." GSNN: "Funny -- so was 'Million Dollar Mile'."

“The Bosa brothers = MAGA Gronk.  Don't @ me.” -Klauss

“... BASSOON SOLO!!!!!” -Weird Al

Greg: “Crying Game Cereal. A surprise in every box.” (Everyone dies for, like, five minutes) Chico: “... I’m going to HQ.... YOU NEED TO GO TO CHURCH!”

“Aunt Becky has some stupid kids.” -Austin Rogers

“I wanna be 21 again and ruin my life differently... I have new ideas.” -Sarah Pribis

“Mannnn listen!! It's time to just throw the whole R. Kelly away!!” -Bruce

“By the time all is said and done, I will have been awake for 24 hours.” -C “Rookie.” -G

“Instead of airing new LI episodes, something tells me CBS is better off rerunning “The Mentalist”. -Doug

“Well they went over as well as a ham sandwich at a kosher deli.” -Q

“Drop it and get out of here!” -Carl’s boss

“The call is coming from inside the wheelhouse.” -Ullsperger

“I am the Marquis de Asshole.” -Gordon

“Elizabeth Banks’ ass is America’s ass.” -C, with apologies to Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, and Bill Carruthers

“Don't have an iPhone or iPad? Maybe you can beg at the boots of your betters, proletariat scum!” -Megan

“Tom Brady and Bob Kraft shaking hands and whispering into each other’s ear... ‘Hail Hydra’.” -C

Jason (discussing the Masked Singer): “The Hippo was ANTONIOOOOOOOO Brown!” Brian H: So THAT'S how the Madden Curse happened this year.

“Manish Mehta is on 92.3 The Fan right now.  My first thought after hearing him for 5 seconds:  He sounds like Aziz Ansari as The Bookworm on that SNL GSN show parody a few years ago.” -Klaussie

“Look at me, I’m Sandra Bullock.” -Nick

"That's Britain for you. Tea solves everything. You're a bit cold? Tea. Your boyfriend has just left you? Tea. Coordinated terrorist attack on the transport network bringing the city to a grinding halt? TEA DAMMIT!" — LiveJournal user jslayeruk

“Temporary emotions lead to permanent mistakes!” -C

“Tuesday night wasn’t just biscuits. Roy Williams went ahead and got the dirty rice to go with it.” -Adam Lucas after Carolina made State humble, 113-96

“Shaka... when the paywalls fell.” -Kevin

“Barbi Benton... ROLL TIDE!” -Greg

“I love when you ask for recommendations for establishments, services, recipes, products, etc., and people respond with, "Did you Google it?" Like, Thanks, Karen! I hadn't thought to use the easily-accessible, number one search engine in the world before! I'm totally not looking for recommendations based on actual experience from personal friends who will give me honest feedback, so I'm glad you directed me to Google!” -Cindy

SWSNBN: “Can your cover for me while I eat my sandwich?” C: “Go eat your sandwich.” SWSNBN: “I’ve got nothing going on.” C: “You’ve doomed us all. Go eat your sandwich.”

“If life gives you lemons remember: life was very honest about how many people it'd been with.” -Austin

“Two hours after lunch is still after lunch! BOOK SAY SO!” -C

“Remember, two wrongs don’t make a right, three rights make a left, and I’m Kyle Serra, quiz responsibly.” -Kyle

Q: “The answer fell into the pizza!” C: “Well now not only is it correct, it’s delicious.”

“Tom Brady just got the sixth stone. Half the NFL is about to vanish.” -Nikki

“I’m Max Essodus and I’m leaving!” -Klauss

“Chuck Todd is a bowl of Jello with a bad goatee and a shitty hair cut.” - @PhillyLocalGuy

“Leonard Frey! Leonard Frey! Anytime you call, Leonard will take care of you! Winter, Spring and Fall!” -Chico

“I THINK I’M BREAKING EVERY FCC RULE IN THE BOOK!” -Kevin Harlan calling two NFL games at the same time

“Horrible news to report, Baby Yoda has died after Myles Garrett beat the shit out of him with a helmet.” -Barry McCockiner

“The Yankees are like Roman Reigns: they’re good, everybody still hates them, and they always kick out of your finisher shm” -Mike Janela

“My nightmare is being stuck working for a guy that looks like Chris Cillizza” -@ChadShartman

“Mel Gibson/Rothschild casting is most inspired decision since Richard Spencer was chosen to write the screenplay for the new Frederick Douglas parody bio pic.” – Josh Marshall

“OOOOH! A LITTLE BIT OF THE BUBBLY!” - Chris Jericho

“Minecraft? HELL NO!” -Amberlee at RewardTheFan on Minecraft RewardTheFan

“109876543210, Happy New Year!” – Kyle @ Trivia Crack

“LYDIA CORNELL IS NOT A BIMBO!” -Mike

Tony Stark: “Hey, you said one out of fourteen million, we'd win, yeah? Tell me this is it.” Doctor Strange: “If I tell you what happens, it won't happen.”

America, let me just tell you something, do not commit crimes with checks.” –Charles Barkley

“I bet George Halas and Pop Warner are up there now coaching Angels in the Heaven Bowl.” –Cord Hosenbeck

“The director saw Green Book and was inspired to make a bigger disaster of a movie about race.” –From the IMDb Trivia Page for Loqueesha

“Drew Brees and Harry Styles fighting over a Pepsi is Peak 2010s.” -Chico

“The aging app? I didn’t know there was an app that helped Mike Maccagnan make his freaking draft picks!!!” -@DAitken90

“For all the notes and stats FOX gave out, they missed that this was the very first post-season game in history where two wife-beater closers gave up two-run home runs in the 9th.” -Ken Levine

Chico: “Man, Bowzer ruined this!” Mike: “Just like the second half of the show Bowzer ruined this!”

“Amazon Suggestion for David Pecker: Because you considered “Blackmailing the Richest Man Who Ever Lived,” we recommend you “Get an Orange Jumpsuit.” –Stephen Colbert

“When in doubt, choose Helium!” –Megan

“They should make a Mistress Pac-Man. Ghosts chasin’ her around the apartment Pac-Man rents for her, eatin’ all the strawberries and chocolates he sends and whatnot. Then the last level Ms. Pac-Man is after her ass like “Oh HELL no that’s MY round yellow man!!!” –George Wallace

“God is a woman and her name is Hailee Steinfeld” -@dakotalanthimos

“I stopped by the Statue of Liberty today, thinking about freedom, and the ability to go for it all.” –Bill Walton at the Pac-12 Tournament in Las Vegas talking about being at the NY-NY Casino

“today marks LaGuardia Airport’s first positive contribution to America.” –Jack Holmes on the end of the Late 2018-Early 2019 Government Shutdown

“BEAT THAT GHOST DICK!” -Matt Richards

Greg: “What if the Monster on The Masked Singer is Michael Cohen?” Mike: “If it is that will almost guarantee there won’t be a second season of The Masked Singer.”

“Roger Clemens tried to smash Mike Piazza’s head with a baseball bat and was still less of an asshole than Curt Schilling.” -@purgatos@knzk.me

“I love all the diversity in Star Wars. There’s brown people and someone with a Boston accent” -Dani Fernandez

“I don’t care that Brock Lesnar won Money In The Bank, I want to know if Brett Somers won Money In The (BLANK)” -Mike

“Woodrow Wilson even with a stroke was sharper than Donald Trump is today.” –David Frum

“THE JABRONI OF THE JABRONI MOVIE FOR THE HOLLYWOOD BLONDE JABRONI NEED TO HAVE THE MOST EXCELLENT LEADING HEAL TO MAKE THE IRON SHEIK LOOK LIKE THE LEGEND. PROBLEM NOBODY HEAL ENOUGH TO BE THE LEGEND. THIS WAY ONLY PERSON THAT TAKE THE CHRIS HEMSWORTHLESS LOOK LIKE HE THE REAL BABYFACE IS THE LEGEND IRON SHEIK. OTHERWISE THIS MOVIE WORSE THAN THE NOTEBOOK AND WORSE THEN THE JABRONI BETTE MIDLER BEACHES” –The Iron Sheik

“As far as I’m concerned, that’s America’s ass!” - Scott Lang “That is America’s Ass.” - Steve Rogers “America’s Ass? Are you talking about Tom Villard?” - Mike

“Oh Jesus, it’s Jimmie Walker’s turn!” –Chico

“Where’s the Robert Kraft spa video? I’d rather watch a video of my own funeral.” –Gerard Mulligan

“So, does Jeff Zucker have to completely cause CNN to lose money and get devalued so badly it gets bought out by Comcast for him to replace Vince Russo as “worst Turner Broadcasting hire ever?” -Dane

“I was just researching Mark Russell as a "Whatever happened to...?" He's still alive.” –Matt Jones

“And all of ESPN and FS1’s morning shows are just the worst. People who watch them actually come away dumber for doing so. I don’t understand the appeal of watching idiots on either network yell biased opinions at each other...many of which are lacking context or facts beyond what they see on a caption of a social media post. It’s like going to a comment section and watching arguments.” -Dylan White on the Awful Annoucing Facebook comments section

“Hunter, Kiss my ass.” –Dave Bautista

“The fact that the CEO of twitter can have his account hacked is a blinding indictment of twitter’s security policies. The fact that no one could tell the difference is a blinding indictment of jack himself.” -@ChrisSmith_RSB

“I don’t know anybody who loves or even likes Trey Wingo.” -@SlicedBrett

“A Madea Star Wars” must now be a thing…” –Amberlee

“People are like "the New York Post is bad for that cover, subscribe to the Daily News instead!" as if the Daily News didn't run a screencap of a woman being murdered on it a few years back. They're both pure trash. Neither are better.” -Craig Calcaterra

“Tim Burton’s Dumbo brings out Michael Buffer TWICE to say “Let’s get rrready…for Dumbo!” and I laugh again every time I think about it.” –Ken Jennings

“Who the hell is Dr. Lee Franz?” –Jason H.

“I was in the theater and that moment was revealed and the audience was “OOOOH!” and I just was laughing so hard!” –Ron Burgundy remembering the ending of “The Crying Game”

“Ladies and Gentleman… whatever legitimacy pro wrestling has left literally crawled under the ring.” –Chico critiquing the workrate of Colin Jost

“BANODLES, ARE YOU READY TO GO SHOPPING, YOU SON OF A BITCH?” -MIKE

“Can y'all imagine if the Gremlins and Jason Vorhees both attacked at the same time that would be some difficult shit to deal with anyway talk to you later” -George Wallace

“Trump getting impeached over the Ukraine is a little like Scorsese getting the Oscar for The Departed, but hey recognition is recognition.” -John Ross Bowie

“Alex Trebek is a fixture in the American firmament and we're all behind him. What a great man, so kind to my family and so warm to all of us contestants. Send him your love.” -Austin Rogers

“Rather than bore you with my expansive knowledge of British politics, allow me to comment on more pressing matters: drunken Chris Jericho getting his belt stolen” -Mike Tunison (@xmasape)

“Only ESPN would do a feature on Robert Kraft taking former players to Jerusalem — while he awaits trial for soliciting prostitution in a sex trafficking ring.” -@willgcopeland

“Looking forward to the “In Memory of Jim Cornette’s Career” graphic that will be starting Dynamite.” - Trevor Dame

“Tom Steyer sounds like a guy who airs MLK and Columbus Day ads, where you can get a new Mustang or Fusion for up to $6,000 off MSRP” - BFG

“Eh, what’s her name? Her name Barry Lonson. She’s in da, she won Oscar for the movie “Stuck In The Basement”. Also, she’s in the movie “Kink Kong: He Got Love With Her” but how he make sex with her, she’s young, she’s small and he big. I don’t know?” -Yehya reviewing Captain Marvel

“To this day nobody knows who Ann Risley is.” -Chico

“Heartbreaking: there is apparently no video I can find of this moment, where a robot named "Mr. Scraps" delivered a ball to James Doohan (Scotty from Star Trek), who had just arrived in a dry-ice-and-laser-bathed Delorean to throw out the first pitch in "The Biodome". Please enjoy this real quote from the Mariners former VP of marketing: "We named the robot Mr. Scraps, because it looked like a garbage can on wheels. Not exactly what we were expecting, but it served its purpose." -alex@allpro.social

MC Cool Cloud: “No union better mess with my family!” Cloud 9 Employee in Training Video: “Oh, MC Cool Cloud, (pats stomach) you’re gonna be the best dad.” Garrett: “I’m sorry, did MC Cool Cloud just impregnate a human?” Mateo: “I think he did.” “I’m in shock, Gene. I just talked to my accountant and I found out this guy made 30 grand and I’m working for minimum scale.” -Marty Cohen on MG-HSH Episode #12 “It would be kind of weird for a person named Tammy to be played by Tim Dunigan.” -Mike

“Chico's brain only has so much memory.  It's either the capital of Botswana, or something you rambled at 3AM while white-girl wasted.   Only one of those nuggets of wisdom is a panty-dropper, and I think we all know which.” -Laura

“So, the audience for SNL seems to be comprised of easily offended Catholics, YouTube “influencers”, and Trump. But Lorne Michaels still thinks he shouldn’t retire? Because if I learned those people watched something I produced, I’d eschew all technology forever and go live in one of those Unabomber log cabins.” -Kevin

“Morning report: The "Fuck Your Feelings" crowd sure gets triggered easily.” -Rick Wilson

“ZIPPERS?!” -Klauss

“We’s considerin’ buddies.” -C

“Automan’s naked and wearing a belt? I don’t get this!” -Klaussie

“You were standing in his crotch!” -Anna

“I am utterly surprised there were no traces of Batman cereal yet Greg's dad made at least 2 appearances.” -Klaussie

“Next time, can you pick a gas station that ISN’T in the middle of nowhere?” -C

“Did Isaac ever deliver cold hard cash direct to your PayPal account? No!” -Greg

“Too many phone calls in the mor-NING!” -C, describing his job as a radio jingle

“Semi-Quotable of the 2010s--Hundreds of quips enter, Adam Nedeff wins because he's funny and he has half of Hollywood under his thumb.” -Klaussie

“You’re not you when you’re thirsty.” -Q, the Double Entendre of the Year

“Nobody ever robbed a convenience store to get sugar money.” -Brandon

“If you're mad at rich peoples kids for getting special acceptance/treatment at college and you aren't mad about all the athletes that get the same thing you're a hypocrite. Ya'll leave Aunt Becky alone.” -Stephanie

“Damn it! I used too much stick.” /Ethan

“And her tights say two cents a dance.” -Kimberly

“Go home, That’s Right. You’re clearly on meth.” -Evil Travis

“I paid $700 for THAT?!” -Klaussie

“Florida is now under a Jim Cantore watch.” -Braden

“Good Brother, but Bad Mother!” -Gordon

“Dude. Even Nike hates Duke!” -D

“For 15 points, Will Smith’s arrogant cousin Hillary appeared in an episode of NBC’s hit sitcom Blossom. Another episode of blossom featured Don Novello playing the role of Father Guido Sarducci, and Father Guido Sarducci also popped up on an episode of Married...With children. Stay with me here. David Faustino’s character Bud Bundy also popped up all the Fox network sitcom Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. In another episode of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, Parker crosses paths with grown-up Eddie Haskell, who of course,We all remember from Leave It to Beaver. His next-door neighbors, June, Wally, and Beaver Cleaver were all characters in an episode of the Love Boat. Now there is this other episode of the Love Boat where all of Charlie’s Angels are on board. In an episode of Charlie’s Angels, Dan Tanna shows up from Vega$. But that’s not important right now. Remember when I said Parker Lewis had crossed paths with Eddie Haskell? Well Eddie also popped up on an episode of Hi Honey I’m Home. So did Gale Gordon‘s character Mr. Mooney, who you might remember from the Lucy Show. There’s an episode of the Lucy Show where Lucy crosses paths with Private Gomer Pyle, USMC, who, of course originally appeared on the Andy Griffith show, which was a spinoff of Make Room for Daddy. On an episode of Make Room for Daddy, Danny encounters Buddy Sorrell, one of Alan Brady’s writers on The Dick Van Dyke Show. Alan Brady later appeared on Mad About You, where Ursula was the twin sister of Phoebe from Friends, and Phoebe’s friend Chandler Bing showed up on Caroline and the City, where Caroline draws a popular comic strip that is read and enjoyed by Daphne Moon, the caretaker for Dr. Frasier Crane’s disabled father. Dr. Crane used to hang out at a Boston bar called Cheers, where Norm, Cliff, and Carla encounter Drs. Auschlander & Westphall, but on a landmark 1988 broadcast, we learn that Drs. Auschlander & Westphall never existed and that all of the shows I mentioned in this question are logically the figments of the imagination of Tommy Westphall, Who is the only character who demonstrably existed on what beloved medical drama?” -Adam

“Snapchat Catch Phrase!” -Will & Erinn

“#1800235DEAD!” -...damn near everybody

“Charles Stiles, Mystery Diners.” -Charles Stiles, Mystery Diners

“This tea is delicious.” -Kimberly === Here’s to 2019... Come together, just think of tomorrow.

[qutemag]

The movie guy reviews: Transformers -- The Last Knight

Article by Benjamin Harkin

Here we are. Every critic relishes this review, and many online have already let forth the torrent of bile that Transformers: The Last Knight deserves. Every Transformers movie I go in hoping I’ll be somewhat surprised that the movie reaches a baseline of ‘okay’, and bar maybe the third one which was brighter, more colourful and contained John Malkovich, every time I walk out frustrated and despairing. People say Michael Bay is an auteur – an auteur of what? Glorified tech demos? Showing off what the Industrial Light & Magic team can do? Because that’s all these movies have going for them. This is evident with the multiple aspect ratios, that’s right, IMDb records this movie showing three different aspect ratios, and another place thought the trailer had eight. You have black bars darting all around the image as the movie crops itself to fit around funky new cameras Michael Bay wants to toy with for the sponsorship. It is the weirdest, most distracting shit to see a movie switching aspect ratios all the way through for no discernible reason.

The film feels like six films meshed into one, or perhaps six plot threads focus-grouped into oblivion and smooshed together in a way that made some executive in a high-backed chair shift lazily in their seat to turn off the preview footage and say “fuck it, that’ll do” for the three editors to hastily clip together in something resembling a two and a half hour film. There’s the scene with a post-apocalyptic New York, ravaged after the climax of Transformers 4, with Transformers living in hiding of the anti-Transformers defense force set up to catch them, now that Optimus Prime is paralysed, orbiting the earth in a shell of his former self. Some foolhardy boys break into a ruined stadium with a giant jet engine ploughed into the field, saying self-aware bulldust like “we’re kids, we always get away with stuff!” Yes, that’s a fucking line in this movie. And not the worst by a mile. Then prowling the streets, looking under rubble, they run into a Transformer hiding itself under scrap. Couldn’t radar easily detect the hulking masses like Transformers for the military to destroy? Apparently fucking not, if a Transformer hides among some rubble, that’s a-okay. The kids then run into a girl, a strong-willed, adventurous-sounding 14-year-old who’s making her own way among the debris jungle and a close friend to this Transformer that gets mortally wounded by a fighter jet trying to save the kids. And do you think Bay uses this setup to anchor the film with a young heroine, make a movie that takes a U-turn on everything that the hypermasculine, Megan Fox-ass loving, dumb as a post joke-making crap that has defined his Transformers series? Fuck no, all the boys dialogue towards this girl is along the lines of “wow…she’s hot!” and “Are you single?” Fucking gross and sad is all I can say. Michael Bay can’t wait to get started on the explosions, objectification, and immaturity. The young girl doesn’t do anything of note in the movie, hell, I can’t even remember her name. She gets sidelined at the halfway point, literally left behind in a junkyard with her BB-8 rip-off robot. Michael Bay instead wheels out the contractually obliged Megan Fox stand-in to be the impetus for Mark Wahlberg to do something in the movie and crack a few lines about how single they both are. Wahlberg was probably given acting advice to approach the character by showing a face in deep thought over how utterly hot it would be if he and the Oxford tour-guide Megan Fox stand-in lady banged with the Transformers watching.

“Are you single?” proves to be a theme in this movie, more than any kind of motif or any of the half-mumbled prattling about values that Optimus Prime manages to heave out of this exhaustingly mind-numbing, overbloated movie. Characters are defined by whether they’re single or not, not whether they fight for honesty, or freedom, or love, or caring for friends, or whether they want to be friends with giant robots. Nah it’s the fact that Mark Wahlberg and Megan Fox stand-in in this movie are on steroids and the camera treats them like they’re perpetually posing for Tinder. Characters from earlier in the series, like John Turturro, make manically unintelligible appearances to rant about doomsday situations. A physics scientist gets laughed at when he tells the president the world will end in roughly three days. Optimus Prime manages to awake himself out of being basically a dead robot to shoot himself somehow across the galaxy onto his home planet of Cybertron, which he knows was destroyed but fuck it, why not go there for refuge? And why not fall back to earth if you’re a dead shell of a Transformer? Nah, the logic in this movie is adverse to science or plot logic, or continuity, or good filmmaking, his dead body can float across the galaxy instead! Cybertron is now run by some Sorceress Robot Woman who twists Optimus into getting Cybertron fixed as a planet by colliding it with earth to suck up the planet’s core. Fucking who knows. Cybertron somehow flies across the universe in the time it takes this movie to skim across five other unresolved plot threads, like why Mark Wahlberg has a spiderly amulet thing that’s super powerful and what he is actually supposed to do with it, or what the whole deal was with the three-headed dragon robot that appears at points throughout the film, or why Megatron wants to break out his mates Suicide Squad-style or why the humans are willing to work with Megatron who was the bane of everyone for the previous four movies, or why John Goodman’s cigar-chomping Transformer gets blown up by rockets and falls over, presumed dead as the camera cuts to a new scene, then he just randomly reappears later on, or why Bumblebee fought Nazis in WWII. And the location used for the scene of Nazis being blown to smithereens, full with Swastika banners draped over the looming building? That my friends is Winston Churchill’s house. I’m sure Britain’s favourite wartime leader, known for everything Hitler was not, span so hard in his grave he tunnelled to the earth’s core.

Stanley Tucci plays a drunk Merlin in a flashback to the Dark Ages, for reasons never fully explored, despite being another character in the present for the previous movie. The Great Tucci Retcon. Oh and there’s Anthony Hopkins too. A wisened masterclass of an actor, made remarkably awkward and a total caricature for a man who used to be Hannibal Lector. He’s in this, 110% for the paycheck. Bay makes him say ‘duuuude’ and ‘that’s a bitch-ass car!’ because it’s cool to make grandpa say hip things sometimes. He has a robot butler assistant who’s also a borderline homicidal maniac for reasons that are never explained. He also has a WWI tank Transformer who has ‘robot-dementia’ or whatever which is an interesting concept far too intriguing for a movie this unforgiveably terrible so the Transformer is yet another sidelined idea in a litany of focus-grouped half-baked brain farts.

The entire movie is unfunny, every joke (and there are heaps, all undercutting the otherwise dead-serious grit and aimed at the lowest denominator possible while conscious) hits like a fucking sledgehammer wielded by lemurs on crack, rushed in delivery, painfully without any semblance of cleverness or wit, the setup too predictable and the payoff so fucking moronic, with editing so poor in timing that a joke about the butler robot playing the sweeping Transformer themes on an organ to give the scene a gravitas was completely lost when Anthony Hopkins cranked his sad, demur grimace up to the butler so slow you could’ve gone to the bathroom and back and the joke would still be playing out. I’ve said it once after Pain & Gain and I’ll say it again: Michael Bay cannot direct comedy and he shouldn’t. For whatever reason the gift of a funny bone doesn’t materialise in the filmmaking process.

The fight scenes are meh. Every one lacks any weight because frankly you don’t give a fuck about any of this while watching. You don’t care which Transformer fights which because they’re all so underutilised and shallow that you could probably get more pizzazz in banging your stapler against the computer mouse on a slow day at the office. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how half these scenes of metal clunking against metal were storyboarded. And they don’t mean anything either, Transformers are rarely shown actually being killed, and yet the ones shown dying without any fights or lead-up (because the editing is god-awful and rushed) are full on bleeding weird green blood which is probably too violent for a young kid, which is where this gritty, dark-looking, yet oddly cartoonish spaghetti-works is squarely aimed.

I should probably end this review somewhere. This sounds like a good place. I could go on and honestly, part of me felt the usual catharsis of a critic tearing a big-budget Hollywood mess to shreds, and giving the finger to this kind of spiteful, audience-hating focus-grouped piss that flows through the summer action blockbuster gate from time to time, but another part of me doesn’t feel that catharsis. Instead, a part of me feels a silent rage, because I know this review, or any other review, or any of all the people who happen to see these movies for what I could only describe as sheer self-flagellation and tell everyone else it is complete garbage, it won’t stop Michael Bay making Transformers, and it sure as hell won’t stop the franchise. Somehow this is what gets bankrolled over those millions of other screenplays of what could be great action blockbusters. Michael Bay has said he’s stepping down from the Transformers franchise, but that’s what he always says. Paramount have two more Transformers movies lined up for the next two years, they see this as being able to grow out into yet another expanded universe franchise with Bumblebee getting a spin-off movie. I know this is useless, this review. It’s just words screamed into a void, a void of producers and executives running endless focus groups, workshopping the movies through too many editors and writers and camera lenses for maximum 3D so everyone can spend the biggest amount of dollars possible. Because this is the thing: Michael Bay doesn’t care. Mark Wahlberg doesn’t care. Anthony Hopkins doesn’t care. Maybe the digital effects people care. All the people involved in this production, they watch the finished product and I’m sure that no matter where they thought their part was going, they were a little deflated and depressed by it too, especially the fifth time around, but they can forget about their shame at the end of the day. Because they’re all getting their paycheck and a contract for Transformers 6, and you’re doing yourself out of the $20+ you spent to see this rotten film.

(Transformers: The Last Knight is currently showing.)

[easyfoodnetwork]

A booth at Guerrilla Tacos | Colin Wolf We spent a month preparing to safely reopen our restaurant. Five hours after opening our doors, the state made us close again. This is Eater Voices, where chefs, restaurateurs, writers, and industry insiders share their perspectives about the food world, tackling a range of topics through the lens of personal experience. First-time writer? Don’t worry, we’ll pair you with an editor to make sure your piece hits the mark. If you want to write an Eater Voices essay, please send us a couple paragraphs explaining what you want to write about and why you are the person to write it to voices@eater.com. It is July 1, 2020, a little after 8:30 a.m. In just a few hours, we are finally going to reopen our dining room for the first time since lockdown orders went into effect in Los Angeles on March 16. Since Day One of the lockdown, we have innovated and adapted to keep the lights on in our taco restaurant, with a small takeout and delivery operation that employed 10 percent of our original staff. Now, I’m excited and nervous; these are uncertain times and we never know what’s coming next. At 8:36 a.m., I receive an email from the Independent Hospitality Coalition, a group of California hospitality industry workers that I belong to. “Hearing from our people that the governor is going to announce that restaurants in some counties (including LA) will be closing indoor dining rooms at his noon press conference today,” it says. I immediately grab my chefs and managers and tell them the news. There is silence for a while, during which I think about everything we did to get to this day to reopen. My stomach drops and I begin to rant. They never should have let us open, I say. We all knew this was going to happen. I text my good friend and mentor, Melissa, the director of operations at République. She tells me that she is hearing the same thing. République opened not long after restaurants were first told they could reopen on May 29, and even as one of the best-run restaurant operations in LA, it has been hard for them. People are not ready to eat out, and too many of those who are are not taking the masks and social distancing seriously. So I ask myself: Now what do we do? In the two weeks leading up to this morning, we did 32 full hours of training on new COVID-19 protocols and safety measures and the importance of taking the pandemic seriously. We updated our menu, purchased the PPE required for reopening safely, invested in training, redesigned the restaurant’s layout, and did construction to create more space and incorporate plexiglass dividers. I could see, even through their masks and face shields, that my staff was excited and comfortable about reopening, and to have jobs again. We were doing everything by the book and taking the time needed to do it right. We had hope! And now, this morning, we still have a restaurant to open. But all I can do is wait for the governor’s press conference, which is still 90 minutes away. At 10:45 a.m., our GM, Gretel, does the line-up as if nothing is wrong. Spirits are so high among our staff, and we don’t want to bring them down. But I can’t stop thinking about what’s going to come next. At 11 a.m., I go hide in my office. My partner, Dan, arrives at the restaurant to console me. The staff was so excited, and now I’m going to have to furlough them all again. I can’t take it, and I start crying. For the last four months, I’ve been on the verge of a mental breakdown, and now I think Dan is concerned that this will push me over the edge. When LA County told us that restaurants could reopen on May 29, I also heard the news from my friends in the Independent Hospitality Coalition. I didn’t believe them: There was no way we could reopen without any warning. Well, I was dead wrong — we were given the green light to reopen on the “honor system,” meaning that if we followed all of the county’s guidelines and safety rules, we could open that same night. Less than an hour after the announcement, I got a message from my landlord’s broker. “Congratulations on being able to reopen,” he said. My heart sank as my mind translated his message into: “Send the check when you can!” Shortly after, I was on a call with the Independent Hospitality Coalition. No one I spoke with was feeling ready to reopen. Our dining rooms had turned into dry storage, our staff was furloughed. But our members were already driving past restaurants that had reopened, hastily “complying” with the guidelines. How could anyone have done it safely in 24 hours? We knew this was a problem: With no lead-in time to prepare, restaurant operators were being rewarded for rushing to open, and their prize was making as much money as quickly as possible. I wanted to stay closed. However, as other restaurants began to open their dining rooms and people grew more eager to leave the house, our takeout business started to fall steeply. With our PPP funds drying up, I had to make the call to reopen as safely as humanly possible. As we began preparing, the team spent so much time thinking about our customers and our staff: How do we keep them safe? How do we behave as responsible members of our community? With no lead-in time to prepare, restaurant operators were being rewarded for rushing to open, and their prize was making as much money as quickly as possible. But even as we were holding ourselves to this standard, we had empathy for the operators who had just rolled the dice and said “fuck it” and decided to open. It is desperate times for restaurants, and many of us feel as though we have no choice: As operators, we work 12- to 14-hour days and typically haven’t been able to pool enough of our time or financial resources to be in the back pocket of the politicians making decisions. Now, as I wait for the governor’s announcement, I ask myself what’s changed since May 29. Back then, our county didn’t meet any of the state’s requirements for reopening. And we still don’t. I feel completely abandoned by our leaders, and like we’ve lost for trying to comply and be as safe and careful as possible. Recently, there was a bill in the California State Senate that really could have made a restaurant industry comeback possible during COVID-19: SB 939. It basically required landlords to enter rent renegotiations with tenants, and it would have given tenants and small businesses leverage to walk away without consequence if they couldn’t make it work. Members of the IHC, myself included, reached out to state senators, and many spoke with us. But when the bill reached the appropriations committee in late June, it was killed by real estate groups with money. Before the committee voted on the bill, we could not even get a Zoom meeting with state Sen. Anthony J. Portantino, its LA-based chair. We — the small businesses that employ almost half of California’s citizens and are on the ground trying to work with our landlords — mattered too little to him. When IHC contacted him after the bill died, he said he had no clue that landlords were not negotiating with tenants. We’ve since met with many politicians who have echoed the same sentiment: They truly believe that most landlords are working with tenants. In my experience, this is not the case. Our elected officials’ total lack of consideration for a whole industry is unforgivable; anyone who loves going to restaurants or grabbing a drink after work should be pissed. If I was feeling petty, I would suggest every restaurant refuse service to politicians. Instead, I’m focusing on the Restaurants Act, a new bill being proposed in the Senate in Washington D.C. that could save us; it would establish a $120 billion relief fund that would be used to provide grants to independent restaurants. My true hope is that we can mobilize the restaurant industry to get it passed. Enjoying good food is a bipartisan issue. As a woman of color, it feels wrong to be upset about this, given the systemic racist bullshit that is being protested around the country, and the basic equality and liberty that some of us are denied as its citizens. I am pulled back and forth between being upset as an operator and being upset as a non-Black person of color. At 12 p.m., I listen to the governor confirm the earlier rumors: Restaurants are closed again. Again, I ask myself, what do I do now? I am just out here trying to survive, trying to build generational wealth, trying to employ a great team of people. I am angry. As a woman, I am angry. As a small business owner, I am angry. As a non-Black person of color, I am angry. There is no winning for the little guys. We are under the boot of big business, politicians with price tags, and a system that has set us up to fail. Before the pandemic, it was easy to ignore these long-standing truths; I was busy and hustling. But now, it is impossible. And it’s one reason that Dina Samson, the co-owner of Rossoblu, and I, have been working on a project we tried to start before the pandemic: a guide to help educate our local leaders on how difficult it is to operate a restaurant in the city and how they can help. The pandemic has forced us to make time to do it. At 4 p.m., we close our dining room. After a month of planning, it was open for five hours. We’re back to where we were before May 29, but now with less funds, too much inventory, and the dashed hopes of 45 people. At 4:34 p.m., the chefs, managers, and I are sitting around a table. We’ve been here twice before: when the lockdown orders were announced in March, and when the dine-in orders were announced in May. We’ll adapt again. We always do. At 6:13 p.m., the managers call our employees to furlough them again. Brittney Valles is the longtime managing partner of Guerrilla Tacos, a restaurant in Los Angeles. from Eater - All https://ift.tt/3jAZKpk

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