#BUT i also havent been taking my meds so idk

[stormyrainyday]

i have GOT to stop eating things i'm allergic to these foods are not giving me energy all they're doing is making my tummy hurt

[so-very-small]

a friendly giant tries to gently approach tiny me but they don’t know i accidentally lapsed on my antidepressants for a week and i just start biting the shit out of their hand the second its in reach like fucking shredding that thing im like a two inch bundle of knives and claws and i know a rage only held by people who realize they’re acting unmedicated but cannot restrain it. bc of the being unmedicated. get bit idiot.

[skunkes]

[lycanwlf]

i think my adhd meds need the dose reduced bc i feel horrible but also ive been on the same dose for months and have been completely fine???????? ugh

[orcelito]

I officially finished my 4th iwatex game, and am somehow already halfway through my 5th

I have 96 hours logged. I started playing this game only 10 days ago.

Heck.

[toytulini]

god my executive dysfunction is so fucking Bad lately

[neighbourhoodtwo]

have to fill out a questionare for the hospital and one of the questions is like "have your symptoms changed since 6 months ago" girl idek what my symptoms were like 6 days ago

[parkeryangs]

ive learned to kind of. accept my sickness a lot more this year but some days ET is just so fucking miserable :(

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

[nomaishuttle]

im deciding to look on the positive side of everything which is that i get 2 see my family an entire month early !! even tho it sucks we wont get 2 see a solar eclipse... it also means i wont miss my siblings birthday :]] which well its gonna be rly hard not t just shower them in all the stuff ive bought them JDNRJFNGN

[lavenite]

sorry i feel like im being a bit TOO mentally ill on the dash today. and the last couple days. i have my doctors appointment in two days and im nervous and i talk a lot when j get nervous

[scream4ash]

tw 4 addiction, talks of self harm, talks of disordered eating, mental illness, self destructive tendencies, just overall me being a piece of shit.

hey, guys. ash here. i guess i wanna apologize for just dissapearing. when i had originally started posting, and decided i was going to be a writer i was sober, n in a better headspace. since then i have relapsed, n fallen into the cycle of addiction n destruction n just overall have not been in a good place.

i have struggled with substance abuse since i was around 13, mainly being alcohol or weed due to easy access. more recently in january of this year i had started abusing antihistamines. that way, i could tell myself it was just medicine, there was no harm in what i was doing. for those of you who don’t know, antihistamines are anti-allergy meds.

on march 17, i had overdosed. my girlfriend had found me on my bedroom floor seizing out. i was brought to the hospital via ambulance, n released the same day. i would love to say i stopped, n i realized the way im going would kill me, but i didnt. i had overdosed again 8 days later. this time when i was brought in to the er i was put on suicide watch. then i wouldve denied any attempts at harming myself, but deep down i didnt care the outcome. though im just now realizing i never really cared about what’d happen to me, but i think part of me always knew. i knew the consequences, i decided that god shall decide my fate.

i was then transferred from the er to a psychiatric unit where i was treated for depression n bipolar disorder.

when i was released a week later i decided it would be a new chapter. i had gotten a job, i was sober, n most importantly people saw me.

that lasted for around two months. the euphoria i felt had all come crashing down. i had slowly rejoined the forgotten, my own friends forgetting about me. i had fell back into isolation n self-hatred. i was fading out again, n no one noticed. no one noticed when i had started skipping meals, or the way my body physically could not allow itself to keep a single bite of food down, or the lack of sleep, even the empty look in my eyes. i have yet again fallen into the hand of addiction, seeking comfort from what i know is no longer there, what may have never been there in the first place. i have barely left my house, only going outside to walk my dog. i can no longer recognize who i see in the mirror. more recently i havent even been able to get out of bed to go to work.

i feel the need to clarify that i am 19 years old, the life i am living is not the life to live. i am actually all alone in the world. guys, if u, or a friend, or a parent, or a loved one, hell even ur worst enemy. if anyone u know, or may know of is struggling with addiction, let them know you are there. let them know that you havent gave up, youre still fighting for them. if ur thinking about trying drugs, or alcohol, hell even weed. don’t. take it from me. dont.

i havent been very active on here, n i am sorry. i am going to reopen my requests and start posting short works/blurbs. i will also get to the requests in my inbox, n those will be filled as blurbs. again, i’m sorry 4 bailing on you guys.

also so super sorry for the sob story, idk. kinda feels good to get this shit of my chest. idk, makes me feel like u guys know me kinda.

@calumikey @ashen-char @f4ngtooth @theactualqueenelizabeth @brittanysnowsgf @iheartambss @phorsphyn @spiderb00 @allsovls @jennaortegaswifey @liaisbaeee @xxxninjaxxx23 @chaejiberry @nohumanityhope @blakeroni @mm-myluv @amberfreemanmygirlfriend @lilahaga @mikeymisser @carolcunha7 @not-alesha @burninghotlava @shaunashipmanism @chaoticghosthoagiegoop @paigesbabymama @spidersareskrunkly @ghostampire @cursedashes @yveslish

tried to tag all of my followers, or as many that it’d tag. idk, i really want this to be seen.

[coastxlwaters]

So um- vent? a little confused as well

Tw: Yelling, meds, loss of vision, loss of appetite, fatigue, not in control of body, out of body experience? Mentions of mental and emotional abuse

So i take ADHD meds, and those usually make me less hungry/get rid of my appetite, i realized i was hungry and i was like “oh shit, i should eat“ and i go to the kitchen. I realize i need smth to eat soon from me barely being able to walk straight (also my brace was taken away, so its not like that unusual other than being concerning since it was worse) So im in the kitchen and im just like, ok, what do i want? I can snack on smth rq and be ok until dinner (30 mins away) and i go to open the fridge. I literally lose almost all of my balance and my vision just fucking disintegrated and i barely regained my balance in time. My mom walks in, she asks what im looking for. I told her im looking for a snack. And she just fucking loses it at me. I get fucking pissed and go back to my room, saying i wont come out for dinner. Its been like, an hour? My parents keep banging on the door (i locked it) yelling at me to come out for dinner. My typing is weird amd i feel like my brain is 5 seconds behind my body. But im starting to decompress a bit and i reized ive been fucking terrified the entire hour of sitting here. I havent been able to draw, barely able to think, and still like, barely being ablw to feel my body. But i know if i go back to the kitchen ill be yelled at and idk if i would be able to take that rn

I got off track, anyways, im starting to realize i was less angry and pissed when i went back to my room and more scared, cause i dont lock my doors, if i get in a fight imma finish it, and i literallycouldnt see while walking back to my room. The only times i have locked my door was like when i was 6-10 and thats from the emotional and mental abuse from my parents that made me so freaking scared of them. Im in the corner where i went if i was SCARED, and READING, reading was NOT a healthy way to decompress when i was scared so i stopped doing that earlier this year and instead did art to decompress. Im just confused on what happened to me i guess

[mugiwara--ya]

heyyy hi a little life/med update !!

ive been super super busy these past couple weeks w a ton of socialization etc and ngl i think i burned myself out lol last night after we got back home from a con (and the bar stop after it) i had a massive shutdown that lasted hours and im still reeling from it, but ANYWAYS!! med update med update wooo

so! on top of the lifesaving bupropion ive been taking all year & the eszopiclone for sleep i finally !! got put on something for my ocd, lets give it up for fluoxetine to join my beautiful, beautiful cocktail, mwah 💖💝💗💕💞💓

i know it supposedly takes a few weeks to fully Work but im already feeling a MASSIVE difference right off the bat, like yesterday i was at the mall and i ✨ touched the escalator's handrail ✨ i was literally so excited i kept looking at my hand going yoooooo im DOING it im making it HAPPEN like even my friends congratulated me on it kdsfjhakjg it felt silly but massive at the same time lol and of course i still immediately disinfected my hands but the important thing is that I Did It

and idk its like!!! i knew it was BAD like especially these past few months its been just. VIOLENTLY out of control but god the absolute relief ive been feeling is making me feel like i was still grossly underestimating it, it had completely taken over my life. right now its like, i encounter any random trigger and i brace myself for the anxiety spiral to come and then it DOESN'T and its so ??? like i still have The Thought but then i just go "ok" and dismiss it like an annoying notification and thats IT, while the last time i was on therapy i literally described my ocd as having hundreds of those cymbal-banging monkey toys of different sizes just sitting there in my brain Waiting and every single time i got triggered one of them would start losing its absolute shit - for example if im at the supermarket, on top of the everything about existing as an autistic person at the supermarket, thered be like a dozen of them constantly going ALERT ALERT CONTAMINATION CONTAMINATION EEK EEK DANGER DANGER BANG BANG BANG- and now the monkeys r GONE. get turned into mostly-dismissable phone notifs, idiots !!!!!!!!!

the only monkey im willingly keeping!!!!! is the low poly 3d model of monkey d. luffy constantly rotating in my brain <3 kfngskjdfs

also like i still do like, say, my cleaning rituals when i get back home, but idk i just. i feel Normal about it?? like calmly wiping my phone bc phones r Gross and not bc i literally see a green film of Germs And Various Pathogens enveloping it lol. anddd i havent been attacked by violent intrusive thoughts in a minute !! lets see if it stays that way. im generally super sensitive to medications too so im on low doses of everything and i wanna keep it like that lol so heres to hoping it keeps goin like this so i dont have to up my dose 8)

uhh thats about it ! having a bit of Personal Issues tm at the moment tho but im so relieved abt my ocd i kinda have the bandwidth to deal with them lol. i prolly jus need some sleep quiet and to not be perceived by anyone for a solid week.

in other lighter and unrelated news my queue is completely empty rn so it'll be just a liiiittle quiet around here for a bit but ! yeah. also i just watched the latest op anime episode and urhgrhghrghrgh it was so good hhh <3333 so yah if you read this whole thing i am giving you a little kiss on the forehead, mwah, hope you have a great week !!

[reanimated-owl]

What are you salty about?

x

((under a readmore bc i ended up rambling, sorry))

((idk;; i guess i'm mostly pissed about taxes rn. i just filed my returns and i owed the state like $159, which ended up being $162-ish because there was a bullshit $4 service fee...

also salty at the barometric pressure. its been swinging like crazy (as is expected for spring in my area) so I've been getting migraines basically every single day for the past week-ish. super fun when my MCAT is in like 2 weeks and I'm still trying to finish reviewing... the bonus? i do have meds to take for them. unfortunately rebound headaches (medication overuse headaches) exist. to minimize the chance of those, I can only take the meds 2-3 times per week. so i've been having to go without a lot of the time so that if I get one at work i can take something. super miserable :(

on that note, fuck the AAMC and fuck how vague the application cycles are. i thought i would be applying NEXT year bc i want (ideally) to start med school next fall. turns out, i need to apply THIS year. so i had to spend like an hour frantically sending emails to professors to hopefully get LORs from them (they agreed when i asked them before while i was still in college but i also havent seen them since i graduated which was. a year ago. so i'm trying to make sure they're still okay with it), plus double-checking my personal statement (idk if im still happy with it but its. Okay. i guess.) and praying I get a good score and don't have to retake... applications "open" in May but you can't submit until june... this shit's so hard to navigate esp bc i don't have doctors in my family who've gone through this and can help me, i've largely had to figure it out on my own and it SUCKS

[splatzzlive]

bit of a rant/vent cause i realised something

(skip to second paragraph for stuff abt my yt)

if yall didnt know, im trans. idk wth i am but i label myself as mascbeing (masc-presenting person just existing) and i used to have really bad dysphoria but ever since my parents started calling me my preffered name and pronouns (even if they dont when im not around) ive found myself almost competely rid of it. like ive stopped wearing binders because i didnt care as much anymore and partly because they were wrecking my body. i knew that being accepted by the people around you could help, but i didnt realise it was that much. my parents are really consevative which i didnt know until recently and they are seriously comvinced this is a phase even tho its lasted like 5 years but i somehow convinced myself they werent. after finally accepting that they dont beleive me ive been getting worse again. i still dont wear my binders but i get dysphoria over other things and i think i need to go back to therapy but my therapist didnt beleive i was trans either. she was a christian therapist and the second i mentioned wanting to go on hrt she brushed it off and sad "medication isnt always the solution" as if i havent been dealing with these feelings for five fucking years and it seriously made me hate her after all the good she did for me. wow i had so many more feeling than i thought i did lol this was supposed to be positive um anyway...

ive been taking a really long break from youtube for my mental health but it hasnt gotten much better so tomorrow after my exam im gonna record the next episode for my minecraft series. see yall on sunday hopefully with that video! <3

also i changed my pronouns because ive found i dont actually like he/him. they/them isnt super god either but i dont mind it much! id prefer if yall used literally any neopronouns but ive specified hx/hxm/hxself (said hix/hem/hixself/hemself), star/stars/starself and bun/buns/bunself! thank you!!

thank you so much for reading and dealing with my emotional shit lol

take care of yourselves, drink water and eat if you havent yet today, brush your teeth and take your meds, i love yall /p