#But Angel being able to celebrate himself was more important

[hocooart]

Happy Birthday to our favourite Angel, Anthony~

[libby-for-life]

Part 4 of Alone in Eden. Make sure to read 1, 2, and 3 before reading this. Guitarhero!

Adam was still in shock when Michael took him into his arms. He felt safe there and comfortable. Half his face hurt from where Lilith grabbed him and Michael had looked over him worriedly, tracing parts of his face.

Lilith and Lucifer were bound in chains before the Angelic choir and the Lord himself. Adam had only seen Him once when he was created. While He had a stern expression, His eyes held a kindness he instinctively knew was genuine despite having never experienced kindness.

"Father, Adam's face is bruised," Michael said angrily as he held a numb Adam. "Lucifer and Lilith have eaten the Fruit of Good and Evil. And they celebrated their rebellion by fornicating under the tree itself. Furthermore, when Adam caught them in the act, they chased him down. If I hadn't come to Adam's aid, who knows what they would have done to him?"

Lucifer and Lilith yelled through their gags, thrashing and glaring at all of them. Adam couldn't bear to look at them so he hid himself away, burying his face into Michael's robe.

For a long time, the Lord looked down at Lilith and Lucifer. His once favorite angel looked scared while Lilith glared defiantly. He nodded, as if coming to a decision.

"How dare you disobey me." It wasn't a question. It was a statement that made Adam shiver. "I give you life. I give you immortality. I give you no fear, death, or pain. And this is how you repay me? You selfish creatures."

The Lord stood before them, everyone could feel his anger and disappointment, and yet he remained calm outwardly. Like the two before him weren't worth losing his temper over.

"It appears I was far too lenient with you, Samael. Or do you still try to use the name you gave yourself to feel more important?" The Lord cocked His head. "It does not matter. I gave you too much freedom and you use it to corrupt my creation. You introduced her to Knowledge she wasn't ready for. Fools."

Now Lilith was shaking despite her glare. Lucifer looked like he was ready to pass out. "If you would have listened to me, Lilith and Adam would have been given that Knowledge when I deemed them ready. When they were done developing. Instead, you gave her something she wasn't ready for and it has already corrupted her."

Lilith spat out the gag, ready to yell most likely, and yet the Lord simply waved His hand. Suddenly, any sound she tried to produce didn't come out. Her eyes grew wide and terrified. To have such a vital part taken away on a whim...Adam bit his lip as Micheal gently stroked his back and neck.

"You talk far too much when you should be listening." The Lord said. He seemed to grow. "I know what you planned to do with Adam if Michael hadn't gotten to him in time." This time, Lilith looked like she was ready to pass out from fear. "You're lucky my son did come or your punishment would have been tenfold."

The Lord looked furious and yet He still didn't yell. Adam supposed He didn't need to. "Now, for the consequences. Samael, or should I say Lucifer, for disobeying Me, for corrupting The First Woman, and for standing by and letting Lilith hurt Adam, you will be banished from Heaven and Eden. You will no longer be allowed to step into its golden gates nor gaze upon what used to be home. You will forever wander the Earth for eternity with no contact with any other angel for they will attack you on sight." Lucifer glared up at his Father but didn't say anything.

"Lilith. For eating the fruit, for disobeying Me, for trying to hurt Adam, and what you've thought of doing to any of the children you bared with Adam, you will also be banished from Eden. You will forever wander the Earth but it won't be for eternity. Instead of being immortal like you were given, I strip that away. You will grow old. You will become weak over the years and eventually, you will die." Suddenly, Lilith shook as a large hand went to her stomach. "You will also never be able to have children. I will not let you try to bash any child's head in, even if that child is a bastard."

Lilith would have done what to their children?! Adam knew she didn't like the idea of having a child with him but to...to...Adam couldn't even finish the thought. He didn't realize he was crying.

The Lord turned from them to Michael. "Send them off." And He was gone like He was never there.

Adam felt himself grow sleepy as if he were—he didn't even finish that thought as he was put to sleep in Michael's arms. The Archangel handed Adam to Gabriel where he whisked him to the safety of Eden. Michael drew his sword with a glare and walked forward to the rebels.

Lucifer looked at Michael and spat out his gag. "Michael, please—" The Archangel slapped him in the face. "How dare you beg for mercy when Adam did as well and you refused? You're a coward, Lucifer. Our Father was right. We were all too lenient with you and your rebellious ways. I even started calling you Lucifer instead of your given name, Samael. I made every excuse in the book for you. But no longer." He raised his sword and opened a portal to a barren land.

"I hope whatever you have with the whore here was worth it, Lucifer. Enjoy her while you still have her." Lilith must have been given her voice back because they both screamed obscenities as they were shoved out. Michael sighed as the portal closed and he sheathed his sword.

XxX

Adam woke up to something warm and comfortable surrounding him. He looked up and saw Michael looking down at him with a small but genuine smile that made the First Man's stomach fill with butterflies.

The only thing he could say was, "You came for me." Because Michael had promised he would come and he did.

"Of course I did, Adam. I will always come for you."

(For anyone wanting confirmation, yes, Lilith planned on murdering any child she gave birth to that belonged to Adam and she had planned on killing Adam ro keep her secret with Lucifer.)

[pancake-breakfast]

CW: Suicidal Ideation, Substance Abuse, Severe Depression, Body Horror

It really seems like Volume 6 of Trigun Maximum was about a lot of people trying to cope with Vash. We have Wolfwood, who has his experience with the Fifth Moon Incident plus his knowledge of Knives stacking onto all the reminders the Dragon's Nest gave him of what Vash is. We have Meryl, who ended up getting a megadose of Vash's memories and emotions at the same event, and must reconcile them with all of her own feelings toward Vash. Heck, even Knives spends a notable amount of time mulling over how each use of Vash's angel arm has brought Vash notably closer to death.

And then we have Vash himself. The king of false smiles hiding great sorrow. I've mentioned it before, but I'll say it again: the way Vash is coping with the return of his memories of July can easily be summed up as "not well." Heck, the way Vash is coping with being Vash could be summed up the same way.

And who could really blame him? Over the last two or three volumes, he has:

Realized he was the cause of death for thousands of people, including children, friends, and colleagues

Been reminded that he doesn't really know how to control his power and a slip-up can absolutely cost way more in lives than he's willing to pay

Held the hand of a dying man while knowing that any comfort he might try to bring with his right hand is too late to undo the pain he wrought with his angel arm, listening patiently as the man spits curses at him with his dying breaths

Seen one of his (few) friends slide into depression after seeing him release his angel arm

Had one of his other friends pull a gun on him while his back was turned and steadily aim it for his head

This would be a lot for most people, but for Vash, it's even worse. Vash's ideals mean the cost of even one human life is too high for him to justify taking it. In his mind, they're all his family, bequeathed to him by Rem via her death; to destroy one of them is to dishonor her memory and the bonds that bind him to them. Vash aches both for redemption for what Knives did in causing the Great Fall and for July. He also aches for connection, but has years of practicing not having it, trying to keep distance to keep others safe from him, and to keep himself safe from the possibility of their rejection should they realize what he is and what he's capable of.

The fact that Meryl, Milly, and Wolfwood seem to understand how dangerous it is to be around him and yet continue to follow him seems to be important to him...

...so how does a being who has put over a century of time and effort into protecting people, who may be able to read minds and can definitely key in on emotions deal with this:

The answer is, of course, not well. In fact, Vash decides to go with one of the more destructive forms of coping, choosing substance abuse as if he could just numb it all away to get a moment of escape.

This is probably one of the most upsetting images of Vash we the readers have seen thus far. We're removed from the danger of his angel arm, but too many of us have watched loved ones succumb to some form of substance abuse, or perhaps found ourselves sliding down that trail. To see him so upset that he's giving this path a shot is too real, and that adds a level distress to the gut-punch of seeing him this upset and casually trying to laugh it all off.

We've seen Vash drink before, but it was always in celebration. He breaks out his goofy drinking tie (from God knows where), ties it around his forehead, and allows himself to enjoy the company he's in, if only for a while. In fact, it seems like he might even be feigning his level of drunkenness in those scenes, as more than once we see him pop right up, seemingly sober as anything, when either no eyes are on him or when he senses danger.

But Nightow makes it very clear that's not the case this time. All through the fight where we see him slurping alcohol off his hand, his movements are uncanny. Vash, who usually puts so much work into trying to pass as human, is failing to do so.

This is first hinted at when his attacker compliments his dodging, but Nightow shows it to us some pages later. Vash flows through the panels at strange angles and takes poses that just don't quite feel right.

And then... he messes up.

Senses dulled, mind not fully in the game, and he fails to dodge a shot aimed right for his head. Instinct kicks in, and his body reacts before he realizes.

We haven't seen Vash swear much thus far in the manga, but he swears here. He might have saved himself (and anyone standing behind him) by catching that bullet with a part of his angel arm. In fact, this might be the first time he's had enough awareness during its deployment to see it used for something other than destruction or threat of destruction. But that's not where his thoughts go right now. Instead, they're on the crowd around him, because this tiny display of his power has irrevocably revealed him to be something that is most definitely not human.

Now, they see him as the monster he sees himself to be. He's laid bare before them. The threat of the bounty hunter and his posse is gone, not even referenced again in the chapter. The people want him dead. And to make matters worse, his friend Meryl is having a meltdown at the sight of him.

He knew it couldn't last, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Maybe if he hadn't been drunk or if things had gone differently in the Dragon's Nest or if...

There are a hundred thousand "maybe ifs" and "if onlys," but the chance for them to change has passed. He falls back on false smiles hiding great sorrow, hoping all his emotions will just melt together into an unfeeling mud.

[imaginecolby]

broken record || c.b.

summary: you and colby were once best friends, but when he moves to LA, you lose the most important person in your life. when you meet again a number of years later, you confess your feelings and he attempts to fix your relationship.

prompt credits to @brocksblueroses !! *y/f/n: your full name *(m/n): manager’s name

y/f/n and colby brock, truly the best of friends. you and him were closer than two people could ever be. you went everywhere together, hung out together all the time. people truly thought you were going to spend the rest of your lives together, whether it was just a platonic relationship, or romantically.

unfortunately, that all changed after your high school graduation. you made all these plans to spend the summer together, but all of a sudden, he was packing up his car and leaving you behind. he was on his way to living a life in los angeles, in an attempt to make a name for himself in the social media world. you watched behind instagram and twitter, seeing him become one half of a very successful youtube duo. you were so proud of him for all of his success, but you wished so badly that you could be celebrating with him.

you tried every day to reach out to him, just to talk and catch up. maybe even plan something to meet up with him. he started out giving you short responses, then nothing at all, and eventually he ended up unfollowing you.

“it just sucks so bad because we were so close at one point. then, all of a sudden, it’s as if we never even met or knew each other.” you sighed, venting to a friend about what was going on between the two of you. 

“hey, that’s his loss. if he wants to get all in his head with an ego, then that’s on him. you’re an amazing friend to everyone, and if he can’t see that, then he’s dumb.” they said to you. you forced a laugh, trying to keep your tears from falling. 

as the years continued to pass, you began working on making a name for yourself as well. you’d been a singer for some time, and finally took the plunge to become more serious about it. you’d been taking singing lessons to perfect your voice, and meeting and making contacts. you lived in LA for a while, but it soon got very expensive. fortunately, you had a friend who lived in las vegas and had an extra room that they offered to you. you were able to work on a large part of your music from home, and it was only a short trip to los angeles when you needed to be there. 

your first couple of years living in vegas were so good, and you were starting to gain a following. your music was doing really well, and they were all songs that you were beyond proud of. after the first few singles, which then turned to an EP, your manager was able to secure you some spots performing at small venues and theaters around you. it was a very small “tour,” performing at small venues mostly on the west coast. performing gave you the thrill of a lifetime and you couldn’t believe that your life had taken this turn. 

tonight was your final show, which was taking place in las vegas, and you were performing at a small theater on the strip. you'd sold a good number of tickets and had seen fans tweeting you about how excited they were for the night. before the show, you had a small meet and greet event, meeting and taking pictures with your fans. it was so heartwarming to meet the people who supported your craft and made it possible for you to perform like this. you always took the time to make sure that they knew how grateful you were for them. 

once the show started, you were feeling a bit uneasy. despite it still being a small crowd, it was the biggest one you’d ever performed for. as you sang, hearing everyone sing the words back to you, you were on the verge of tears the entire night. it was so special, and you were over the moon. 

as your eyes scanned the crowd, they fell upon a face you immediately recognized. colby brock was in the audience, watching your show and vibing to your music. if you hadn’t been in the middle of a song, you would have run off the stage to throw up. but you powered through. 

throughout the rest of your set, you made a conscious effort to not linger on colby for too long. you couldn’t believe the butterflies you had by just seeing him. but you didn’t want to make it too obvious that you were staring at him. 

after the show, as everyone was leaving, colby was feeling those same butterflies. 

“man, she was amazing! i can’t believe i hadn’t heard of her until tonight.” colby said, reeling from the high.

“she was really good! im glad (m/n) convinced us to come. it’ll be good to us to get to know the local talent.” sam said. 

“sam, i need to talk to her. i dont know why, but something is drawing me to her.”

“well, she’s probably packing up to leave, so you better hurry. good luck. i’ll be waiting outside.” sam said, patting him on the shoulder. colby, working his charm, somehow convinced the security guards to let him backstage. as you and your crew were packing up, you turned in his direction, eyes meeting once again. 

“uh, hi. can we help you?” one of your band mates said to him, colby’s eyes stayed locked on yours. 

“i was wondering if i could talk to you.” he said shyly, eyes glued to you.

“yeah, sure.” you said, walking over to him. you eased your band mate who went back to their equipment to finish packing up. “c’mon.” you said to colby, leading him back to the green room. you sat down on the couch and he followed suit, sitting awfully close to you. 

“i just gotta say that was such an incredible show you put on tonight. you are so talented.” he said with a smile. 

“thank you. that means a lot.” you smiled back.

 “i’m colby, by the way.” he said, extending his hand to shake. 

“y/n.” you said, taking his hand and shaking it. why was he being so formal? is this some kind of bit? 

“so, have you always been a singer? you’ve got an incredible voice.” he said to you. 

“uh, not professionally, no. i've sung here and there, at home, in school choir. but just within the last few years or so have i taken it seriously.” you said to him. this was starting to weird you out. did he really not recognize you? 

just then, your tour manager came into the room, letting you know that you were needing to leave soon. 

“ah, shit. sorry. i dont usually hang around this long after the shows. but i gotta get going.” you said, leading him back through the main room and outside. 

“no worries! thank you for taking the time to chat. i was really amazed by your performance and just had to meet you and tell you that in person.” he said.

“hey, y/n! we’re headed to the bar next door! come on!” one of your band mates called. 

“you all go ahead, ill catch up!” you said, waving them off. you watched as they walked off and you turned your attention back to colby. “im sorry, did you just say you had to “meet” me?” you asked him. holy shit, he really didn’t recognize you. 

“yeah. that’s usually what you call two people sharing an interaction for the first time.” he said. you knew he could tell that you were upset. but he didn’t know why he felt so bad about it. 

“what the fuck, colby. do you really not recognize me?” you asked him. 

“no?”

“y/f/n. from high school?” you took your phone from your pocket and pulled up a photo of the two of you from senior year. it was the homecoming game, he was in his band uniform, and you were at the game with the school choir as you’d performed the school songs beforehand. you both had the widest smiles on your faces and looked happy as ever. 

“oh my god.” he said softly. 

“did your ego get too big for your head that it made you forget everyone you ever knew? we were best fucking friends and you literally introduced yourself to me tonight as if we had no history.” you said, fighting tears. 

“i dont know what to say.” 

“well, im trying to have a good night to celebrate the end of a successful tour. so i'll be next door celebrating with people who actually enjoy being friends with me. you know where to find me when you think if something.” you said before walking off.  

“dude, what the hell?” sam asked, stepping to colby’s side. 

“i fucked up. bad.” colby said, staring at the ground. 

“obviously. she went to school with us?” sam asked, and colby just nodded. 

“i don’t know if you ever met. but she was right. we were best friends. we met freshman year and grew really really close. so much so that people thought we would end up together.” 

“how did i not know any of this?” sam asked. 

“i started distancing myself from her once you and i got more serious about moving to LA and starting youtube. i thought that if i kept her in my life i would never want to leave and be with her forever. i was really falling for her.” colby said. 

“clearly you have some unresolved feelings, since you were begging to talk to her tonight. granted your decision was a dumb one, i don't think you had intentions of hurting her.” 

“i didn't.” colby interrupted. 

“then you need to tell her that.” sam said, colby nodding in agreement. the two of them finally left from the venue and made their way to the neighboring bar. colby quickly spotted you at a table and made his way over to you.

“oh look everyone! its my ex best friend who i was so important to! so much so that he ghosted me and forgot who i was completely!” you said, downing the rest of your drink. 

“y/n, please. let me explain.” colby said to you. 

“explain what? how little i actually meant to you?” you asked. 

“explain myself.” he corrected. “please.” you looked up at him and saw the hurt in his eyes. no matter how mad you wanted to be at him, you broke under his gaze. 

“fine.” you said. you ordered yourself another drink before you followed him to a booth. you slid into one side and colby sat next to you.

“first, i just want to say how incredibly sorry i am. i was an idiot for the things i did to you and i feel so horrible that i didn't take into account how my actions would affect your feelings.” he began. “i wanted so much for this youtube thing to work out with sam that i thought the best thing for me to do was cut ties with you. i thought that, if you and i stayed in touch, i wouldn’t be as focused on this journey as i should've been. all it would’ve taken was one ‘i miss you’ text and i would’ve come running back to you.”

“if you would’ve told me you were serious about youtube, then i would’ve supported you. sure, i would’ve miss you, but i would’ve also convinced you to see it through.” you said.

“i don’t doubt that. but i would’ve been too weak to listen. i was falling for you so hard, i know that i wouldn’t have seen it through. and i didnt want to leave sam hanging. so i did what i thought was appropriate, which was to unfollow you and cut ties completely. and again, i am so incredibly sorry for hurting you the way i did.”

“colby, look. i understand that you felt you had good intentions. and i accept your apology. but i have to tell you, what you did was really shitty and it made me feel horrible. it felt like all the years of friendship we had all meant nothing and that you truly were done with me. seeing you thrive in LA, and now vegas, it made me so proud of you. you and sam have been doing such incredible things and have been so successful. but it made me so sad at the same time, because i wanted to be part of the celebrations. we were always there for each other in the big moments.” you said to him. “and all the times i tried to reach out to you and plan something for us to get together, getting nothing in response, and seeing you out with all your influencer friends. that's when i sorta got the memo that you were truly done with me.”

“i was never done with you. i thought about you all the time. but i had myself convinced that if i let you back in that you would convince me to leave this all behind. i was surrounded by a lot of shitty people back then, and i also had myself convinced that you would use me for clout and then leave me.”

“i’d never do that to you. i never wanted anything from you. i just wanted my friend back.” you said softly.

“well, he’s right here. ready to fix everything. if you’ll have him.”

“i want to fix this, you dont understand how badly i want you back in my life. i really do. but there’s a lot of years of damage that need to be repaired.”

“and im willing to repair it.” he said, taking your hands in his. “more than willing.” 

you looked up at him with tears in your eyes. you were way too drunk to think about trying to stop them, and just let them pour down your face. you tried to speak, but you couldn’t make the words come out. you just nodded your head as he pulled you into his chest, hugging you tight. you sat there wrapped in each other’s arms for a while, silence falling over you as you took comfort in each other’s embrace.

“i missed you.” you said softly.

“i missed you too. more than i realized.” he said, squeezing you once more before letting you go. 

you spent the rest of the night together, catching up and sharing drinks. colby formally introduced you to sam, and the three of you had a great time together. over the course of the next few months, you and colby fell right back into step, your relationship going back to how it was when you knew each other in the past. and the both of you did everything it took to keep it that way.

[fluentmoviequoter]

Hello! Happy Birthday 🎉

Hope you have a year full of health, happiness, luck and success!!

My prompt wish is:

➣ feeling so lonely that they have to call their friend/lover, just to get a sense and reminder that they're still there, and trying and failing to hold back tears as they do so

With Deacon🙈

Thank you so much!! I wasn't sure which way you wanted it, so I let reader call Deacon! This ended up a little shorter than I wanted, but I think it's a cute lil blurb. Hope you enjoy and let me know what you think! :)

Join the 20 Surprise Parties birthday celebration!✨

Warnings: a tiny bit of angst, fluff.

Word Count: 0.9k+ words

Picture from Pinterest

I Need You

You need Deacon Kay. Desperately, entirely, eternally, you need him.

It’s been six days since you heard his voice and nearly two weeks since you hugged him, cupped his jaw, and kissed him like your life depended on it. 20-David was called away on an important mission, aiding another agency with a big bust. Deacon held you for hours before he left and has been able to call once since leaving, but you have a deep craving for him: to feel his touch and hear his voice. You could call a friend to call to keep you company, but it’s not the same. There is only one cure for your touch starvation (perhaps more aptly categorized as Deacon starvation), and the cure is Deacon Kay himself.

Right now, you don’t know what to do. Hicks has sent you a few updates since Deacon went away, but you feel like you’re starving without Deacon. It’s part of his job and his life, but that doesn’t make it easier on you. Every moment he is away from you creates a fracture in your heart, in your being, that only he can mend.

You fall asleep with Deacon’s pillow clutched to your chest (again). It’s one of many things you’ve tried to lessen your homesickness, which is the proper word because Deacon is your home, and you miss him so much you’re sick. When you dream, Deacon is right beside you, and you love it, but it makes waking up without him much harder. After nights of being unable to sleep without Deacon’s warmth beside you, you’ve nearly run out of ideas for temporary comfort.

Staring at the ceiling, you try to convince your mind that it’s Deacon in your arms and not a weak substitute. While resting in your desperation and sadness, you take longer than you should to realize your phone is ringing.

“Hello?” you greet, hoping that Deacon is back in Los Angeles and about to come home to you.

“We’re all clear. I’ll send him home soon, but you can call whenever you want,” Hicks says before ending the call. Brief and informative, that’s Hicks.

You scramble to dial Deacon’s number. With each dial tone, you squeeze your eyes closed tighter.

“Hey,” Deacon breathes out as the line connects. “I was about to call you.”

“Hi,” you say, trying not to choke over the building tears. “I’m so glad to hear your voice, Deac.”

“Glad to hear yours too, you have no idea. I need to get home. I’m sorry it took so long, we ran into a lot of unexpected,” Deacon pauses and sighs. Pressure builds in your eyes as you picture his big brown eyes while he adds, “unexpected everything, really. But we’re back now, finally.”

“It’s okay.” You quiet to add, “I just miss you. So much.”

“I know. I miss you too.”

You hiccup, trying to swallow your tears. The noise alerts Deacon that something is wrong, and though he’s miles away, you can nearly feel the change in his demeanor. You know he’s tense with eyes wide as he rushes to action.

“What’s going on? Are you alright?” he asks, pulling you from your mental image of him.

His concern pushes you over the edge, and you let your tears flow as you sink to the floor on your knees, sobbing as you listen to Deacon’s voice, his pillow still held to your chest. You need him, but this is the best you can get for now, and you’re thankful for it.

“Baby, baby, take a deep breath. What’s going on?” Deacon asks, his voice strained. You think you hear hurried footsteps and a door slam before Deacon’s voice comes through clearer.

“I miss you and I- I’m so lonely, David. It felt like you’d never come back, I’d never hear your voice again or hug you again and I need you. I need you more than anything else,” you ramble through your tears; they slow as you listen to Deacon breathing on the other end of the phone.

“Hey, you have me.” You blow a sharp, pained breath out of your nose, and Deacon reiterates, “You have me. You will always have me. I’m coming home.”

“You’re still working,” you argue weakly, wiping your tears with the back of your hand. “They need you, too.”

“Not like you do. And they’ll understand. Be ready for a long hug when I get there?”

You laugh, and Deacon smiles on the other end of the line, his chest loosening as he realizes exactly how much he needs you, too.

“We need each other, sweetheart. So, I’m right beside you, no matter what.”

“I love you, Deacon.”

“I love you. I’ll tell Hicks I’m leaving and be home in a bit.”

“I’ll be waiting for my hug.”

You know that Deacon needs you the same way you need him, and you have each other, countless hugs, weeks apart, and everything in between. He laughs before the line disconnects, and while you won’t feel whole until he’s back in your arms, knowing that he’s on his way makes everything better.

When you hear his car idling in the driveway, your tears begin anew, fresh and passionate. He rushes into your room, dropping to the floor beside you as he pulls you into his arms, holding your head below his chin as his arms tighten around you. With slowing tears, your arms grip Deacon’s shirt below his shoulders as you lean against him.

“I need you,” Deacon whispers into your hair. “Thanks for calling me home.”

[adeptune01]

alright sorry to go on a supernatural rant in 2023 but...

it makes me feel insane.

Not to beat a dead horse or anything but like destiel will be it for me. Nothing else will ever compare to it. Like a man is raised by an absent father- a father who demands to be obeyed without question. A father who praises guilt, who tells the man that he is his brother's keeper. That he is responsible for all of his actions and those actions affects on others. The weight of the world is on his shoulders and he must bear it alone.

This man, the one that is single-handedly trying to save himself along with everyone he's ever crossed paths with, fails. He sacrifices himself to save his brother and he dies. He's sent to hell, a land of eternal punishment. 'No less than I deserve' he probably thinks.

But then he is saved. Not because of anything he's done. Not because of a deal he or his brother or his father has made. He is saved by a cosmic being of unfathomable power because of his nature which has been deemed by THEE Abrahamic God as being fundamentally good. The man who has hated himself his whole life for not being enough, not doing enough, is declared to be good.

And he feels guilty as hell. He didn't deserve this. Of those hundreds of people he's helped over the years...one of them...ANY of them is better than him. If he's God's strongest soldier then God is going to lose. He is going to fail God just like he failed his own father.

The man spirals while the heavenly power that saved him watches from afar. The power understands the man. He understands what it's like to hold Father to the highest esteem. He understands what it's like to blindly follow orders, hoping for the best. He also understands that the man has the brightest hope-filled soul he has ever seen.

So the power decides to help, and to do so he breaks away from the rest of heaven's contingency. He grows into his name- Castiel. The shield of God (I am not joking that is what Castiel means), created to protect humanity. AND become a pair with the Michael Sword- the man who believes he is unworthy- DEAN.

Through the years- DECADES- there's ups and downs. Divots and cracks in the Almighty's plans. But nothing they can't handle. They grow close and become more than allies in the fight against ghastly horrors beyond comprehension, they become best friends.

They have wild west movie marathons in the basement room designated as Dean's own "Fortress of Deanitude". They hang out late at night at crappy diners eating crappy pie. They go out cruising the town. They listen to the same music. They play pranks on each other. They learn about and remember each other's interests.

Their relationship grows deeper.

They fight. They lie. They attempt to kill each other. They raise a son together. They try to mentor a daughter. They leave. They come back. They mourn. They celebrate.

Together.

Two beings- one human, one angel- who were alone- whose defining characteristic was who their fathers were- prove that it's possible to break free from predestination, from circumstance. Their love, first as friends, then as something more, is as strong as the force that binds the universe- stronger, even.

And then they die.

Separately. Both convinced that the one thing they've wanted, the unnamed thing they've been fighting for, is the one thing they can't have. Because their fathers said so.

Despite everything, in the end, their fathers won. Dean died on the job he couldn't quit from an accident he couldn't help. Cas died obeying the first and most important commandment his Father gave him- to love and protect humanity.

THAT story is what I will never be able to get over. Not mentioning the gothic Americana aesthetic, the clear Protestant 'for by faith' message, the criticism of hyper-masculinity, the exploration of the 'American Dream'.....

[irritablepoe]

Too much at once (Ranpoe Hurt/Comfort; Overstimulation)

Ranpo knew the exact moment Poe froze. His face - normally at least smiling a little bit when around people - went completely blank. He seemed to curl into himself, hands reaching up, seemingly to cover his ears, but then falling into his lap again. Ranpo knew him well enough to know what was going on.

They were celebrating their victory over the Decay of Angels. Fukuzawa wasn’t there, which had concerned Ranpo at first but he had explained to him that he needed time alone. Ranpo understood that, though he was sad that he couldn’t be there.

Kunikida was in deep conversation with Chuuya and Yosano. All of them seemed drunk already, talking in slured tone and a bit too loud.

Atsushi was clinging to Akutagawa, who had surprisingly shown up. Other than Atsushi, Akutagawa was sober, which as very visible on his conflicted face.

Ranpo was sure that Atsushi had dragged him here and in a moment of weakness Akutagawa hadn't been able to deny him. He was also sure that Dazai had annoyed Chuuya so long that he had eventually shown up. Dazai didn’t engage much in the conversation and instead just stared at Chuuya shamelessly, which the latter acknowlegded by ignoring him completely.

Kenji and Kyouka tried to build a house out of cards. Jun’ichiro was doing the same thing though was interrupted by Naomi.

Poe had been silently watching Ranpo and had occasionally said something if it was of importance. Ranpo knew he wasn't a fan of big groups of people and to be fair, he wasn't either. Though Poe had always been more sensitive in that area. Adding to this he was unfamiliar with most of the Agency members and had not once spoken to Chuuya or Akutagawa before. He had asked Ranpo before the party if Chuuya knew it was his ability that had trapped him in that book for so long. Ranpo had shrugged. He was sure Chuuya was aware, though he would rather crush Ranpo with his gravity ability. Because he hadn't done so already, Ranpo guessed that Dazai had spoken to Chuuya beforehand. And besides - everyone was way too glad that the big fight was over to start another one already. Although the atmosphere was mostly relaxed, the agency members weren't known for being very quiet. Poe, who's been fine so far, started to flinch with every sharp laughter and the clicking of glasses. He was visibly uncomfortable. Ranpo had to help him.

Ranpo stretched his arms like he was tired and let out a hearty yawn. “Oh, it’s so late already, isn’t it? I think I’m gonna head home.”

The agency members just like the mafioses looked at him and nodded understandingly. They said their goodbyes and wished him a good night.

“Poe.”, he said with a grin as he was on his way out. “Would you bring me home? I wouldn’t find the way in the dark otherwise.”

Poe looked around confused but when he saw the serious expression on Ranpo's face, he nodded slowly. His eyes relaxed in relief and when they went out of the office Poe basically stormed down the stairs.

“Oi, wait for me!”, Ranpo complained. When he caught up to Poe, he was slumped over with his hands on his knees.

“T-thank you.”

“Don’t talk. It’s alright. Let’s just go home.”

They didn’t say anything for the rest of the walk. Ranpo made sure the keys to his room didn’t click together as much and he didn’t turn on the light when he went into his apartment. Poe followed him, his chin almost connecting to his chest.

“Here.”, Ranpo opened his drawer and took out some noise-cancelling headphones. “Trust me, they help.”

“You use them, too?”, Poe asked. The words were sluggish and stagnant as he spoke. Ranpo knew the feeling of his own voice being too much way too well.

“Yes. The street is near.” Poe took them from him and put them over his ears. Ranpo gestured to the bed but Poe shook his head and pointed at him instead. Ranpo shook his head as well. “I’m not tired.”

Poe removed one side of the headphones. “What?”

Ranpo couldn’t help but smile. “I’m not tired. You go to sleep, Ed. Please. For me.”

Conflict showed on Poe’s face but eventually he removed his coat and his shoes. He was about to climb into the bed when Ranpo stopped him. He softly removed Poe’s headphones again, careful not to startle him. “You can remove all your clothes if they bother you.”

Poe let his head fall to Ranpo’s shoulder. “Shhh…”, he said when he went through Poe’s knotted hair. He stopped when Poe flinched. He had pulled a bit too strongly at the knots.

“I’m sorry.”

“’s alright.”

“Should I help?”

Poe nodded.

“Lay down.”

Poe obeyed and let Ranpo undress him. Ranpo was careful not to touch his skin and he removed the clothes as quickly and efficiently as possible. When only Poe’s underwear was left he stopped Ranpo. He had a pinkish blush on his cheeks.

Ranpo put the headphones back onto his ears, gave him the softest blanket and wrapped Poe in it. “Sleep now.”

Poe’s eyes fluttered close, a thankful gaze disappearing behind lids, and though Ranpo was sure he didn’t sleep immediately, he didn’t move another inch, not wanting to break out of Ranpo’s nicely wrapped blanket.

Ranpo slept on a blanket next to him on the ground and listened to Poe’s slowly steadying breath.

[andrewuttaro]

Mary's Sacred Yes

Due to how early Easter was this year, the earliest it can be on the Catholic calendar I’m told; the Solemnity of the Annunciation was moved two weeks later to April 8th. This almost never happens. The Annunciation is about the closest you can get to an immovable solemnity without being an immovable solemnity. Holy Week is the only celebration that happens anywhere near it that can put it off its date. The Annunciation refers to the Archangel Gabriel appearing to Mary, the mother of Jesus, and asking her consent to become the mother of God incarnate.

Read that last sentence again. Focus on “…asking her consent…”. Sometimes we glaze over thinking about these big moments and miss the subtly of this moment in the story of salvation history. Sometimes we even drop the whole consent thing altogether and make it more of an orientation for the Blessed Mother as if we’re simply commemorating the day she was told she’d bear Jesus. In the humor of Christian volunteerism the world over: the ultimate instance of being “volun-told” to do something. Alas, this was not Signing Day for a divine contract.

The consent is key here. I found myself contemplating this again recently when I came across a quote from the late Pope Benedict XVI’s book “Jesus of Nazareth” (2012). The late Pope wrote: “[St. Bernard of Clairvaux] portrays heaven and earth as if it were holding its breath at this moment of the question addressed to Mary. Will she say yes? She hesitates… will her humility hold her back? Just this once – Bernard tells her – do not be humble but daring! Give us your yes!”

The drama! Heaven and earth are transfixed at this moment it seems that God has staked his whole plan of salvation on the decision of a woman in a culture where she was inarguably considered a second-class citizen. Her response was so loaded with importance that both the realms of the mortal and divine are held in suspense by it.

Some poets and Saints of Christian history put even more emphasis on this moment tying it to the rebellion of Lucifer and his fallen angels. So, the old legends go that Lucifer and his party were enraged that God would save humanity after their rejection of his grace, positing that this declaration by God to save humanity is when Hell’s rebellion was formulated. This outrage in mind, we may consider Mary’s Annunciation the most contentious moment between the forces of good and evil across Christian lore, perhaps second only to events like the Temptations of Jesus himself or his tearful prayers in the Garden of Gethsemane before his passion. But even those events depend upon Mary’s yes occurring first.

The latin translation calls Mary’s joyful consent to the divine plan her fiat. It is not with resignation or mere acceptance that she consents to becoming the mother of Jesus, the Word made flesh, it is with an overwhelming joy to work with God in such a tremendous way.

The key thing to remember in all this is Mary’s absolute freedom. According to the Catholic tradition Mary was preserved immaculate from her own conception, that is, preserved without the stain of original sin we all bear on our nature because of simply being human. Mary was free from the ways our sinful human nature limits our freedom by way of addiction and the lesser affections for evil we all seem to harbor. Mary’s freedom to make this decision was so profound that we might consider her free in a way that only her own son exceeds. Mary’s decision was made with absolute, incomparable freedom. Mary was as free as could be and with that freedom her response was a joyful yes.

I cannot help but see a radical inclusion in this. Not just radical inclusion, but the overflowing scope of God’s merciful love for humanity. Not just these but also the greatest affirmation of human freedom and a multitude of implications beyond this so vast that I don’t know I will ever be able to wrap my head around them all.

But I will attempt a contemplation of these three points here in this article, nonetheless. We are now in the midst of the Month of Mary. What a beautiful time of year to contemplate all that Our Blessed Mother can teach us. Mary’s Sacred Yes: radical inclusion, God’s merciful love for humanity, and the great affirmation of human freedom.

Radical Inclusion by Mary

How is the Annunciation radically inclusive? “Yes” was all it took. We sometimes contemplate God giving us a mission as if it is a fantastic burden. We hear the old adage “God doesn’t choose the prepared, he prepares the chosen” and stick up our nose: surely you do not mean me, Lord? Call it fear, trepidation, or plain old resistance to any calling… or a mix of all three, we prefer to treat a call from God like an awesome impossibility.

The Annunciation tells us we just have to say Yes and say it honestly. But to say yes honestly requires a bit more background information: Mary is no fool, she asks. Mary’s first response isn’t the Yes: it’s a question – how?

Sidenote: I cannot imagine a more charming first response. I was raised by a very practical woman. So many of the women in my life who have influenced me the most exude a grace that rolls up the sleeves and gets the job done. Mary asking “how” feels to me like these countless role models asking for the blueprint for the work ahead. Just like a mother teaches you how to get things done, Mary mothers Jesus before that divine conception even occurs. Mary asks how. In that same spirit: there is also an incredulity there.

How can I bear a child if I haven’t been with a man? How questions can seem like the scariest ones to ask God. We don’t often understand the messages we get from God at first blush so it seems like such a necessary question; but we fear we won’t be able to figure it out and wonder if God would answer such a question anyway. Could God give us detailed answers? How do I go about the calling I have just been given with real action steps?

Just think about how human that response is from Mary. She must have thought to herself: Am I really about to ask God how babies are made? I know that! No, this is different she must have thought: There is something incredible going on here that I want to be a part of.

The angel gives her an answer that is just cryptic enough to be annoying but just explanatory enough to be comforting: basically, that the Holy Spirit will do it. And with that Mary gave her Holy Yes and accepted the defining work of her life and eternity. In that Yes there is so much faith. She believes in God enough to trust him even when the answers aren’t as clear as they could be. She says Yes even in the face of the practical and cultural consequences of this decision.

She asked the question with her heart first. And she got the kind of answer we usually get from God when we sincerely pray to him: cryptic but comforting. If we can answer Yes in such circumstances, then we can do God’s Will too. Mary is giving us the blueprint for faith. Mary is showing us how to do something anybody can do.

How many pursuits in our lives are not as clear as can be? How many of those pursuits are nonetheless worth it? Has there ever been a woman who has set out on the journey of motherhood and known every variable ahead of time? Of course not, faith is necessary. Mary is the ultimate beacon of that diligent, daring faith that takes on such an enormous responsibility that not only becomes a mother but chooses to participate in God’s will.

Anybody can do God’s Will. We don’t need to be preserved sinless at birth like the Blessed Mother to receive a call from God, get a cryptic but comforting response from God to a valid question, and give our ascent. Nobody is excluded from working with God. WORKING WITH GOD! Drink that in for a minute: anyone can work with God if they can say Yes with a little bit of faith.

Anyone can work with God. Young or old. Rich or poor. Man or Woman. Everyone may enter into the sacred honor of being a coworker with Christ! The only price to be paid is faith along the way. This is a development in the history of salvation.

Before this Marian moment and the advent of Jesus Christ himself, God picked those he would call and send them out. Now the call goes out to whoever will accept God in faith. A new age has begun. You may still be thinking: why can’t God just give me clear directions and show me the whole picture from square one? The short answer is respect for human freedom, but we’ll come back around to that.

For the sake of contemplating the radical inclusion Mary shows us consider this quote from Saint John Paul II: “Faith leads us beyond ourselves. Faith leads us directly to God.” Mary’s Yes is such a profound act of faith that we are invited to return to Mary for help following her son. She is a guide in faith.

Like every mother, Mary is always willing to point out the great things her child has done. She’ll take you and show you the way to what Jesus is trying to get through to you. Call on her and she’ll help you find Jesus, she was the original follower, she accepted him before any other human did. She will help anyone willing to search for him too. When you feel broken and out of luck, call out to Jesus and reach for Mary to help show you the way. God’s mercy flows through her just like God’s own son came to us through her!

But faith would be just a fun adventure if it weren’t for the mercy of the one we have faith in.

God’s merciful love

How does the Annunciation show God’s merciful love for humanity? Consider how ancient Gods often didn’t ask first. The Gods of the ancient world shot first and asked questions later to use a modern figure of speech. Zeus creates several members of the Greek Pantheon by way of sexual assault. Historically these kinds of violent Gods were commonplace in the ancient world. Gods in the ancient world were so combative and self-interested that even their own devotees recognized their humanity: a sinfulness that seems like such a clear projection to us moderns looking back.

The God who asks Mary her consent is a fundamental, radical shift away from how humanity had always viewed the divine. If God is not just a scheming superhuman, but rather a kind partner in dramatic self-giving then the whole contemplation of God is new. Wow, what a thankful change! We can work with a God like that. There’s that divine participation, that radical inclusion once again.

Mary’s Yes is in some way a solemn prayer, a solemn prayer of thanksgiving. This prayer we know as the Magnificat. If you haven’t heard it, then you might soon understand why:

“My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God my Savior for he has looked with favor on his lowly servant. From this day all generations will call me blessed: the almighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name.

He has mercy on those who fear him in every generation. He has shown the strength of his arm, he has scattered the proud in their conceit. He has cast down the mighty from their thrones and has lifted up the lowly. He has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich he has sent away empty. He has come to the help of his servant Israel for he remembered his promise of mercy, the promise he made to our fathers, to Abraham and his children forever.”

That second paragraph has a sharp edge to it doesn’t it? You can almost feel a clenched fist pressed up to a chest containing a heart docile to the work of such a just God. The sense of justice in what God was doing through her is palpable. Mary’s prayer is informed by the historical situation of her people but its inspiration rings down through the ages. Her prayer is eternal. God wants justice even though our world may seem so evil and without justice at times. A loving God must be a just God as well and Mary’s Prayer recognizes this.

The most common, cynical retort you might hear to believing in God in our day and age is usually some version of: why bother with a God who allows evil and suffering in the world? He should be able to correct all that with ease since he is God after all, right?

We’re about to have a more thorough tour of the human freedom implications of that. For now, consider God’s mercy that we exist at all. God could have pulled a more creative version of Noah’s Flood and just finish the job this time. Numerous times in Salvation history we see the power of God to just end it all at will. Some of my most nihilistic peers might even see that option as the only merciful option.

No, there is love in God’s mercy. Moreover, there is justice in God’s mercy. St. Thomas Aquinas once wrote: “Mercy without justice is the mother of dissolution; justice without mercy is cruelty.” If humanity has the capability for endless war and all manner of atrocities, then why allow it to exist at all? Perhaps the nihilist has a point: Mercy for a humanity like that should be extinction. When we look around and see the effects our species has had on the climate of the planet you could even see a moral reason for such an end. There is a morbid fascination with this morally perverse idea.

National Geographic Channel ran a show I remember vividly in this vein of thought: “Life After People” (2008-2010). The show largely explores how infrastructure slowly erodes away over decades, centuries, and millennia as if all humans just vanished one day. Ultimately the series shows the earth millennia after our presence ended looking no worse for the wear. More recently the 2021 film “Don’t Look Up” addressed the other side of this: what I can only call humanity’s capacity for self-delusion. I won’t spoil that great Jennifer Lawrence film, but the ending seems to suggest that total annihilation is a relief, humanity had it coming because it’s just so full of itself: a modern way of recognizing an inborn sinfulness.

Even if destroying humanity is the most just answer, God chooses mercy. God chooses mercy definitively by working with us through Mary to achieve salvation. God chose mercy so he also chooses justice to some extent to think back to the St. Thomas Aquinas quote. Mary’s Yes is the greatest example of this. It’s almost comedic it’s so beautiful. The divine subversion of expectations if you will. Think about it.

Mary, a woman wronged by the conditions of humanity so much for simply being a woman, amplified by her time in history, is, in effect, asked: So should God save this shattered world? You have seen some of the worst of it: should God save humanity in spite of it all? If she wasn’t so dumbfounded by the arrival of an actual archangel, you’d think she might even laugh at the profundity of it all.

Even more funny: Jesus’ people were expecting him to hop on horseback, throw off the Roman occupiers, and get to some legendary conquering like Alexander the Great or something. What a divinely perfect disappointment! That’s how it is with God’s mercy: we imagine, even desire in our more nihilistically angry moments, a much rougher justice than God actually doles out. God’s mercy seems like injustice to us sometimes! Sorry, God is just so merciful and just that its funny.

If we believe God is absent for a lack of justice in the world it is for a lack of mercy on our part. We bring the mercy and God works justice through us because he has already brought the ultimate, saving mercy through Mary’s consent: Jesus.

I think God deciding to do all that, and do it with our cooperation through Mary, is reason enough to throw off the nihilism of our time and embrace how precious we are if this is how God treats us. What profound mercy that sees humanity unable if not also completely unwilling to choose good over evil repeatedly: over and over again, the continual theme of human history.

God’s mercy is so amazing it can tie our brains into knots! Would such an awesome work of God occur had we not first sinned and therefore called down God’s mercy upon us? Oh happy fault that earned so great, so glorious a redeemer! Those are the words we sing in the Proclaimation of Easter, the Exsultet. Saints Ambrose and Augustine echo this counterintuitive hymn. In some profound divine way that almost extends beyond the reach of our human minds: God brings us even closer to him than what had existed in original innocence because of that primordial rebellion.

God says: I know you gave me the finger. I choose to love you nonetheless! Not just that, I am going to include you in the grand work of mercy to save you from yourself!

And once again: all through the humblest of women in the Blessed Virgin Mary. God’s mercy is just, and it is extravagantly over the top. There is freedom in embracing all this. Yes, Mary’s affirmation of the divine plan is as much an endorsement of human freedom as can be. Time to talk about what freedom really means in the divine context of all this. How does affirm our human freedom with the Annunciation?

The Great Affirmation of Human Freedom

The first gift God gave humanity at the dawn of creation was life. The Genesis story is a beautiful piece of poetry laying out God lovingly making all things and then us. Once he makes us, however, he immediately gives us our free will: the second gift to us after life itself. God didn’t want little obedient robots, he wanted to love beings who weren’t being forced to love him. He wanted a real relationship in other words.

This is why there is a tree with forbidden fruit on it in the Garden of Eden. It’s not God being cruel, it’s God giving us the freedom to choose him or not. Every good relationship is built on a minimum standard of shared consent. The same is true with our relationship with God. God wants to be in a relationship with us, but we have to make our own choice in response. God goes to great lengths to preserve our freedom throughout, even if it means allowing us to rebel against him.

The poetic connection between the forbidden fruit and Mary is as simple as the “Yes”. Eve and Adam said No to a clear boundary and chose rebellion against God. Mary and Joseph said Yes and chose obedience to God. In that is the beginning of the saving work that will be completed in Jesus Christ’s paschal mystery. Humanity participates in its own redemption by way of Mary and Joseph, just as it opted out with Adam and Eve. Humanity cooperates with God once again as was hoped for at the beginning of creation. Mary is the new Eve, and Jesus is the new Adam.

That crucial consent, that Yes Mary gives the angel, it is the Great Affirmation of Human Freedom. Even after the betrayal of Original Sin God is not going to go back on his respect for our Free Will. He works us into his plan to rectify the relationship between himself and humanity which was split asunder in Eden. Once more: he becomes one of us in Jesus Christ in the ultimate act of divine intimacy. Mary echoes the divine humility she is participating in: God lowering himself enough to be made flesh in Jesus Christ.

You would be forgiven if you feel this all seems a bit too poetic. Why does God work in these sweeping, mysterious plans? If he is all-powerful, why does he not simplify this whole thing dramatically and show himself to humanity and heal all wounds therein? The story of the bible and salvation history in it is very ugly at times along the way, why does he not avoid all that mess and just give us all that he is and wipe all that separates away with one divine swoop?

No, it’s not a cynical question to ask. In fact, it gets to the core of what makes us human beings and why we have this free will in the first place. If God is going to respect us, then he has to protect us to some degree. He is God and we are not. Human freedom must be respected here all the while.

In my line of work as a Long-Term Care Ombudsman I often encounter older adults living in Nursing Homes and Assisted Living facilities who are going to make a bad choice. They might even know they are making a bad choice. If you’re struggling with your ability to walk and you insist on going back to your own home without any modifications to your living space or in-home care then you might just find yourself in a worse situation than when you started. But the autonomy, the free choice of the residents I serve, comes first. They have the right to make a bad decision. To use the technical jargon: they have the “right to fall”.

You might imagine God as any variety of healthcare professionals in this metaphor. He knows the right thing to do, he even stands ready to help provide you with some of the interventions that can best help avoid something bad happening. Nonetheless, he has to let you make the choice however bad it can be. To stretch this metaphor a bit further we might consider the Blessed Mother a trusted peer of our older adult heading for a poor decision. God brings in a trusted voice to point in the right direction and maybe even convince their peer that a safer choice is necessary.

God will not force us to do anything we don’t choose to do for ourselves. God in his very being is too beyond us for this. He is God and we are not. We cannot simply look at God in this life. That is why whenever God appears in the bible, he always does it through an angel or a voice or some other sensible intermediary. God is inconceivable in his being. St. Anselm of Canterbury says, “God is the being which no greater being can be thought.” A lot more about our relationship with God can be explained by way of God’s ineffability than you may realize.

In the metaphor of the stubborn older adult, the medical professional can tell them all manner of facts and figures without getting their patient any closer to making the right choice. In the thinking of the older adult this is a matter of independence and dignity, not the density of their bones or the strength of their muscles. God must respect our freedom just like the medical professional has an ethical code to stand by.

Those familiar with my writing will know I often ponder if God intentionally makes it so that few people see miracles and tangible proofs for the faith. This is why: if God just shows us what’s what as clear as day, is there room for the faith that makes for a real relationship? Moreover: can there be any freedom if the correct, divinely appointed answer is always right there in front of us? Sounds like that would be robotic, eh? Food for thought, I guess.

The forbidden fruit tree was called “the tree of knowledge of good and evil” (Genesis 2:9). That little detail says a lot. The effect of that fruit, Original Sin in the broad sense, is still with us in one way you will be able to affirm before you finish reading this paragraph: our human drive to understand all things. We want to know as much as we can, everything if possible. Knowledge is certainly a good thing but as an idol unto itself it can do us harm. This is in some way a desire for conquest against God just like Eden.

Sit with that for a moment. We fancy ourselves sophisticated modern people: we know War is ugly and regrettable. We know to avoid unnecessary violence, that’s if there is even such a thing as necessary violence! We fancy ourselves as living in a time after old fashioned conquest. We don’t do that anymore: we let everyone be and get what we need without violence. What kind of conquest can exist in this worldview? The answer, for us in our cultural context at least, is intellectual conquest.

In essence, we still have distance from the ultimate perfection that is God because we still have this yearning to control God that we consumed from the juice of that fruit on the forbidden tree. We want to be the ultimate moral arbitrators of good and evil which God can only be. We want the ultimate conquest: conquering God by knowing the universe and knowing God to be just a creation of the primitive human mind looking to lend meaning to the world around us. We have used our freedom to wage conquest against the creator of our freedom.

It's a poetic irony. If I had a dollar for everyone I’ve encountered throughout my short life so far who has that belief, at least in a subconscious way, that belief that God is just a concept humanity made to create meaning in a meaningless universe, then I would have no student loan debt. This is the modern conqueror’s mentality we carry: the newest iteration of that same desire to conquer God that motivated us in the Garden of Eden.

God doesn’t just show himself, erase all sin and its effects with the snap of his fingers, and end all our suffering in this life because what space for free will would that leave us? Would Mary’s Yes be just as free if the Angel also said “Mary, I am also your new bodyguard and I will vaporize anyone who even thinks ill of you.” God wants the freely chosen relationship with us and that is just not possible between we humans and the being that is God if there is no mediation, no working together along the way.

That’s the amazing affirmation of God asking for Mary’s Yes: Mary says yes with faith, not possessing all knowledge. She understands the one necessary thing: that even if I can’t grasp the vastness of God I don’t need to because God is here asking first anyway. Real faith isn’t blind, it knows whose asking.

God doesn’t compromise who we are or who he is by resurrecting our relationship with him. Everyone’s freedom is respected. That healing begins with Mary’s Yes and is fulfilled with her son Jesus’ resurrection a few decades later. The Blessed Mother shows us such freedom yet such cooperation with God’s Will. The Blessed Mother prays forward justice while docile to God’s amazing mercy. The Blessed Mother brings on radical inclusion, incredible faith in God’s mercy, in all freedom, and yet brings us in her very being the definitive answer in her son Jesus Christ.

Mary the Queen

If you haven’t been convinced already here it is again: Mary is the mother of all the faithful. On May 20th this year we will be celebrating Mary under her title as “Mother of the Church”. She is the new Eve, a Yes where there had been a No. Mary is our guide to Christ and forerunner in the immense mercy of God, prime participant in the plan that radically includes everyone in the saving work.

From the Annunciation until at least Joseph being brought in on the whole plan, Mary is the whole Christian Church. She is bearing Christ as the Church does in a very literal, embodied sense, Theotokos in the Greek. Even after the Holy Family becomes the whole Church, though little and domestic, Mary is the mother holding the whole thing together like so many moms do.

At one point Mary even becomes a single parent and has to guide Jesus into adulthood right up to the start of his ministry on her own. Even after Jesus’ Ministry begins she is right there for the first Apostles, the nascent Church itself. Then she faces the ultimate torture of any mother: watching her child suffer and die when she can do nothing. Jesus formally puts his mother under the protection of his Apostles from the cross (John 19:26-27) giving her to the whole Church as its Queen. She must have sat among those men and women who loved her son, the earliest Christianity, and thought: “Wow, God brought all this good through me.” I think many mothers might be having that thought this month.

Mary remains the first intercessor for the Church for the rest of her life. She is there for the Resurrection, at Pentecost, and on the missionary journeys to follow. The celebration of Mary the mother of the Church later this month is all about this. Right after Pentecost, the birthday of the Church, we have Mary there to be its guide. She gave birth to Jesus; she gave birth to the Church in that way! Indeed her Yes was to Jesus forever: long beyond his physical life on earth and beyond her own for that matter!

I think it is even appropriate to consider Mary a Queen in the more colloquial sense: what a Queen way to be doing all that!

The folk religion of this recognition of Mary transcends religion itself. Crowning Mary as the true Queen she is has become a tradition in the month of May. Some do it on Mother’s Day just because it feels so appropriate even without a hard-fast religious connotation of that secular holiday. As you embrace your own mothers and the mothering people in your life this month consider the Queen of Mothers: The Blessed Virgin Mary.

Mary’s Sacred Yes is the Yes of every mother. Mary’s Yes is the beauty of faith. As the English poet William Wordsworth once wrote in his 1822 sonnet: “Mary is our tainted nature’s solitary boast.” Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb: Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. AMEN!

[kaurwreck]

I don't think the Book in Bungou Stray Dogs is real, at least not insofar as there is a skill-created item that bends reality when alternative realities are written into its pages. Fyodor has convinced both the meta audience and the characters that the Book exists, just like he manipulated Ace into killing himself and for similar reasons. That being said, by claiming that such a thing exists, ensuring that there are "rules" to such a thing that obfuscate the most glaring limitations and contradictions likely to cultivate doubt, and leveraging the resources available to them, Fyodor and the Decay of Angels are able to influence others' actions and amplify their psychological and material impact, thus effectuating the reality they wanted.

(It's why visualization is an effective tool for accomplishing goals, by the way. Envisioning the reality you want for yourself vividly and emotionally stimulates your brain chemistry into experiencing and recording that reality as if were a memory or sensory perception, influencing your subconscious understanding of its attainability— which then lends you the motivation, confidence, and self-efficacy to make it so.)

It's not only Fyodor who rewrites reality by convincing others that it's possible. Natsume Sōseki rips out the pages of the third volume in the series that Odasaku is reading, informing him that there was an ending, but it was atrocious, so Odasaku should write his own. Odasaku was in a state of inertia, suffering his reality on belief it was immutable. His encounter with Natsume made him realize that the future he saw remained the same only if everything preceding it did too. Just because there was a certain outcome to his choices didn't mean he had to accept it— he could make different choices. While he did not get the outcome he wanted for himself, he nevertheless shaped his outcome with his choices. He couldn't change the choices of others, but he chose how he responded to them.

That's what he imparts on Dazai too. Perhaps much of his suffering isn't within his ability to change. But where he could choose wonder and goodness, he should.

It's a recurring theme for most of the characters since the uncertainty of existence and the subjective nature of reality framed much of their namesakes' works, but to name a few:

Yosano thought she couldn't live because her skill was too cruel. So Ranpo offered her a reality where her skill's exploitation wasn't inevitable, but a choice that was hers to make.

Ranpo thought he was alone and surrounded by monsters, rendering his world terrifying and colorless. Fukuzawa rewrote Ranpo's reality by reframing the predatory malice Ranpo perceived in others as clueless ignorance. He gave Ranpo means to channel and celebrate his perceived differences, but impressed on him that he and others had inherent value worth protecting. Because Ranpo believes him, he's surrounded by people instead of monsters. Further, the glasses Fukuzawa gave Ranpo were a cheap trinket, but because Ranpo confers on them his acquiescence to Fukuzawa's narrative, they facilitate Ranpo's remarkable powers of deduction.

N revealed to Chuuya that self-contradicting singularities can become stable in lifeforms if sealed by human will, which can be imparted on inorganic lifeforms as coded patterns since will is manifested so long as the lifeform believes itself capable of will. He needed Chuuya dead before Verlaine came for him but didn't want Arahabaki to die with him if it were possible instead to separate it from Chuuya and weaponize it by other means. Chuuya wasn't willing to donate his singularity to N's military research, so N attempted to bypass Chuuya's will by (i) convincing Chuuya that he wasn't human and (ii) torturing him into speaking a code phrase that N claimed would separate Chuuya from his singularity. It was important that Chuuya believed himself to be nonhuman because if he thought he was preprogrammed to accept the code phrase, he was more likely to cede his will to the code phrase on belief he wasn't capable of resisting. N also needed Chuuya to say the code phrase because if Chuuya chose to say it on the belief that saying it would end the torture by releasing Arahabaki, then he'd manifest the will to break the seal (even if subsconsciously). Chuuya wouldn't relinquish Arahabaki on his own, so N had to craft a reality where Chuuya didn't have a choice by convincing him of the same. Chuuya decided he did have a choice, so that was the reality that became realized.

If there is no objective, preordained reality, then reality becomes malleable and subject to revision. Not because of any preternatural superpower, but because people operate within the limits they perceive to exist. The Book doesn't need to exist to influence the characters; they think it exists, so they behave as though it does, functionally altering their realities around its existence.

But, for each situation I can recall that is attributed to the Decay of Angel's possession of the Page, there is another explanation that is more plausible and very much feasible based on the Decay of Angels' evidenced resources and modus operandi. They don't need the Page to orchestrate what they did, but convincing the Agency that they have the Page inflated their ability to inflict terror and amplified their influence over the variables molding the Agency's perception and behavior.

Anyway. If you give me any instance of the Book bending reality, I'll tell you why I disagree and what I think actually happened.*

*Don't cite to Beast. I haven't read Beast yet, so I won't speak to it.

[medicus-felini]

Christmas Special Candle Service! 🎄🎅🎁 If Kara Barai was already a cheerful island usually, during the holidays it reached its peak.  Many customs and cultures meshed together, celebrating that end of the year in their own way. It wasn't ideal to be happy that Victoria Punk had been damaged in their last voyage, Mr 3 knows. To the point that it would take a month to repairs being made? Especially during the holidays? His guardian angel was really working hard. Getting "along" with Mr Eustass…meeting Linn. A blessed year indeed. On that day, he scouted the Mink behind the main tent, where more traditional decorations were put. While he would love to boast himself and explain the cultural significance of things, that day Galdino seemed half-hearted doing it. Often doing too short explanations, his head was clearly in another place even if he held the woman by the arm during their walking.  " Pardon me, ….. My mind has been all over the place since I saw the state of your crew's ship, ga ne. Going after Mr Shanks. Mr Eustass really.. has such strong will. Admirable."  As messy their schedule was, that crew kept consistent two to three months visits to exchange marines there. That time took a little longer, obviously there was something wrong. His pessimistic stance couldn't bear to imagine waiting for them without news or any sign that they would be ok somewhere. That anxiety was his own fault for letting himself get too attached.  He pauses under one of the cone trees that was decorated with colorful lights.  " Missy Linn, forgive me. But.. I'll be giving your gift a little early this time or I won't be able to rest at all. " From inside a little blue striped letter, a nice folded paper is shown at Galdino palm. When left by itself it starts to drag itself in his direction. " I'm sure you know what a vivre card is, do you? Missy Linn." " For christmas…. Would you have this? I..If anything happens, independent if your crew needs to exchange marines or not. I would—without doubt help in any way possible, ga ne. If you need anything, please.. this will let you find me anywhere. ” “ If it isn't too bold of myself…. to ask for my own gift. Would you lend me your vivre card as well? I..If my letters one day return and you and your crew take too long to return I’ll just.. definitely seek for you no matter what! I really.. really need to know if you would safe and sound ever far from me or else I can't sleep, ga ne! B—”   " B—ECAUSE IM IN LOVE WITH YOU , MISSY LINN, GA NE! "

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❀⊱ 𝕀𝕥'𝕤 𝕔𝕙𝕣𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕞𝕒𝕤 ! ⊰❀

↷ ⸍ @waxgentleman ⸝

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      𝑇𝘩𝑒 𝑜𝑢𝑡𝑟𝑎𝑔𝑒𝑜𝑢𝑠 𝑑𝑎𝑚𝑎𝑔𝑒𝑠 𝑡𝘩𝑒 𝑉𝑖𝑐𝑡𝑜𝑟𝑖𝑎 𝑃𝑢𝑛𝑘 𝘩𝑎𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑠𝑢𝑓𝑓𝑒𝑟 𝑤𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑓𝑎𝑟 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑡𝑙𝑒.      Collateral damage. Every single one could count themselves lucky to have survived. It would be hard to get into the Christmas spirit, knowing the ship will need nothing less than their shipwright's full attention. Kid was persistent in 'visiting' Shanks. But her captain's decisions will not hinder her from taking a breath, enjoying some calm moments on this often-visited island. A little favorite by now, even.

Linn feels somewhat stunned, not having planned on seeing Galdino so soon. The mink would have gotten a present, definitely, just . . . What an awful timing to be shipwrecked right at Christmas. Scolding herself silently as she spots the paper in the artist's palm. Damn it. Why couldn't this galère wait so she would have been able to show up with a gift herself   ?   

 Vivre cards were not unfamiliar to her   —   after joining a pirate crew, that is. Usually, exchanging these little papers was more reserved for alliance partners, captains, navigators, important people. That was the most convenient use, after all she knows. Mr. 3 pulled out this adorable letter, offering a glimpse, seeing the card quiver softly leaves her eyes twinkling with intrigue. Like a magnet, the vivre card pulls gently toward the sculptor's body. How thoughtful. How brave. He really wants to offer assistance if things go sour. Linn frowns a bit. She would never want to bring him into a dangerous situation just because of her (or her captain's) poor decisions.

     ❝ Oh, Mr. Galdino, you didn't have to- . . . ❞     Slowly, his words echoed in her head. Love   ?

L o v e   ?

  Her inner ears play ping pong with themselves, repeating this phrase over and over and over again. The longer she stares with eyes wide open, the darker this warm hue on her cheeks gets. It was clear to the feline; that these feelings towards the artist were more than casual. Long ago even. Whatever he had in mind for them, it never failed to impress her. She enjoyed every single minute, second, moment close to him. Hells, he most likely had caught wind of the crush already. But how unlikely nervous Galdino sounds for knowing it already.

Was he that oblivious   ?

Slowly, almost like time itself went thick like honey around them, gloved fingers reached for the paper.    ❝ You do . . . ? ❞     A mere whisper. For anything she stands for, Linn would have loved to thank him for the present first, yet this situation makes her decision falter. There was a larger elephant in the room than just showing gratitude for the card.

A small step closer brings them almost to eye level before the doctor's fuzzy, warm cheek brushes against Galdino's. A lingering stroke, accompanied by a shy purr.     ❝ I am . . . moved. And glad you said it first . . . I don't know what I would have done if you turned my feelings down. ❞     There was this subtle break in her words as they fell silently next to his ear. But a smile was prominent, even if his eyes would not catch hers. Her palm closes over his hand, caging the vivre card in both of their hands.

     ❝ I do so too. I share these emotions towards you, Mr. Galdino. It is . . . mutual. ❞

Clearly, that was the last thing the mink would have expected today. What a nice present to have clarity over whatever both tried to conceal these last months.

No more words were shared. Lazily, her forehead finds rest on his shoulder. Almost like the way it did when they first met. How nostalgic . . .

[danganwhatnow]

Otome Notes- Kissed By The Baddest Bidder: An Ota Kisaki Introspective, Part 1

Kissed By The Baddest Bidder is an otome game originally published on mobile by Voltage Inc, currently available in a condensed form on the Nintendo Switch, and in its entirety on the mobile app Love365.

The premise of the game is that you(the MC) are a maid working for the Ichinomiya Group's Tres Spades Hotel and Casino, a fancy hotel in Japan, the first ever to feature a casino.

Through a series of unfortunate events, you break something irreplaceable and find out the hard way that the popular celebrity event held monthly at your hotel is actually a cover for an underground black market auction.

When you're put up for auction without your consent, the CEO (and your boss)Eisuke, and his fellow VIP buddies quickly determine that the best course of action is to bid on you themselves, to cover their own asses and make sure you don't give away their secrets.

Along with Eisuke Ichinomiya, there are also 4 other men to choose from originally: Soryu Oh, a Hong Kong mobster, Mitsunari Baba, a self proclaimed thief, Mamoru Kishi, a detective, and finally, Ota Kisaki, the "Angelic Artist".

Ota is a 24 year old artistic prodigy who is known for his angelic looks and personality. When you meet him briefly before the auction, he strikes you as a really nice guy, so you decide to choose him as seemingly the safest option.

And then, he speaks.

Yikes. Ota's 'reason' for buying you is that you remind him of his former dog, Koro. He insists on treating you like a pet, at least insofar as he addresses you as 'Koro', you stay in his room, you 'obey your master'(think 'come when you're called, sit, stay, shake' type things), and you give him love and affection, which he will then return to you, as any good 'owner' would.

Originally when I first played the game, I saw this as a creepy pet fetish and it weirded me out a lot. I mean, don't get me wrong, it is quite weird, no matter how you slice it.

I also want to note for the record, I myself do NOT have any kind of fetish nor do I indulge in pet play myself, so when I refer to this aspect of his character, I only have the limited information that I've searched out on the internet, and no personal knowledge or experience of my own to offer.

Like I mentioned above, this aspect of his character really put me off at first, but upon replaying it, and playing many other Voltage titles, I've realized more and more that I just can't bring myself to dislike Ota, even though he can be creepy and quite toxic.

So today I sat down and played the whole Season 1 Main Story in one sitting, and this is the culmination of what I've noticed about Ota as a character.

From the very beginning, I found this statement of Ota's very telling. This is what he loved about Koro and this is what he wants from 'someone', but since he sees Koro in you, it's you he intends to get it from.

When you first meet Ota, he's all smiles and kindness, but soon after meeting him, you discover he has a dark, nasty side to him.

He has a very high wall between himself and most others and doesn't hesitate to speak his mind regardless of how it comes across around people he trusts or knows well.

With you, though, Ota is different most of the time. Because to him, you're not (MC), you're 'Koro'. As long as you follow his orders, he is nothing but sweet to you.

He definitely doesn't care what you think about it though.

I looked into the idea of his fetish, which appears to be something known as 'pet play', where a couple role plays being a puppy or their 'handler' (aka owner), from a submissive/dominant perspective.

It seems by this definition to be something much more sexual than the situation that Ota puts the MC into, but it was the closest fit I could find that made sense to the story, so it's what I rolled with for the purpose of this article.

According to the information I've been able to find on this type of 'play', consent is EXTREMELY important between the sub and dom, and if there is no consent, it's abuse.

That's where the concept of Ota having a fetish in the truest sense of the word didn't sit right with me, because while there is no consent between Ota and MC here, I'd also argue that within the confines of the situation, there is also no abuse.

At the same time, I never sense anything sexual about the whole 'pet/owner' thing between the MC and Ota. When things get spicy between them, that is when he lets down his guard and acknowledges her as the human (and woman) she is.

There is no doubt he absolutely does treat her like a dog. That part does grate on a person's nerves quite a bit. I mean, obviously she doesn't want to be treated like a dog, and it's extremely rude of him to do so.

I just can't help but notice how sweet he is to her when he's in 'owner' mode, though.

Here he shows real concern for her when she's being bullied by Erika into doing all this mending by herself, and when she bursts into tears, he comforts her and then steps in to make sure it doesn't happen again.

The next couple of screenshots I will post are examples of the 'pet-like' behaviors he wants to see from her. Relatively harmless stuff, and I absolutely believe there's a deeper reason for it then even he realizes at this point.

Slowly but surely, he doesn't relinquish control over her, but he does start to dote on her much more, going out of his way to do things for her and make sure that she's having fun and enjoying herself.

When things get heavy and a rival of Ota's tries to interfere with his career, both the MC and Ota let their guards down, and MC doubles down on her 'pet' role, telling Ota that a pet's role is to 'comfort their master, right?'

This is where things get dicey. I keep coming back to this part of the story again and again, because things just don't fit into place in a way that I'm satisfied with.

I didn't think anything of it originally, but on an episode of a podcast I watched specifically ABOUT Kissed By The Baddest Bidder, they mentioned that the ensuing sexual encounter between MC and Ota was not consensual.

I had to go back and watch the episode again, where I absolutely saw where the ladies were coming from. But, it still didn't feel right. So I played through it again, and again. There are 3 crucial statements that she makes here that to me, illuminate her state of mind.

When he makes it clear that it's headed in a sexual direction, MC panics, and this is what she thinks.

The next thought that she forms insinuates that she's on board, or at least, not actively objecting anymore.

I don't exactly recall what happens next between them, but then she says this:

When I read that, I thought to myself that maybe I was wrong, because even though she was nervous at first, at this point both her body and her mind seem to be into it. At least when I hear the phrase 'fills my heart with warmth' I think of deep affection, if not love.

So after reading that, I didn't feel nearly as grossed out when she strokes his head and thinks about how she might be in love with him. It definitely started out uncomfortable for her, but I think in the end it was a consensual meeting of bodies, if nothing else.

I don't think that their intentions necessarily aligned here, which might be where it feels more icky that it might otherwise.

All Ota seems to have realized at this point is that he 'needs' her and that she makes him feel good.

Once they return to the hotel, however, Ota's treatment of the MC changes. He's much more possessive of her, he's less patronizing, and he shows more interest in her as a person than he seemed to prior.

Yes, he still refers to her as Koro and leans on the comfort of being her 'owner', but there are many moments where the walls come down and Ota speaks to her as an equal and a woman without even realizing it, like when he goes out for karaoke with her, or when he tells her he'll draw her one day.

In his POV of Season 1, he thinks some telling things in those moments. Like when they're at karaoke:

The owner thing only comes into play at that point when she oversteps his internal boundaries and pushes his comfort zone, like when she worries out loud about the situation with Rin and that douchey reporter.

He pushes her away, and it hurts her, but when he's away from her, he realizes that not only does he miss her, but he thinks of her as more than a pet.

When she runs away to prevent the auctions from being exposed and making things harder on Ota, he finally acknowledges her as human to him.

The thing about Ota is, he has a tendency to tell the truth and then cover it up with an arrogant, cocky tangent, so you don't necessary catch it.

It's such a heartfelt, loving moment. But then...

Bullshit, Ota.

I believe Ota has a psychological condition known as Reactive Attachment Disorder.

Reactive Attachment Disorder is, in a nutshell, a condition which inhibits a person's ability to form healthy connections/relationships with people.

This is a list of symptoms attributed to the condition:

Detachment

Withdrawal from connections

Inability to develop and maintain significant relationships, romantic or otherwise

Inability to show affection

Resistance to giving and receiving love despite craving it

Control issues

Anger problems

Impulsivity

Sense of distrust

Inability to fully grasp emotions

Feelings of loneliness and emptiness

Lack of a sense of belonging

I feel like you see many of these behaviors out of Ota during this storyline, and not so much of the more toxic, overtly sexual aspects of the implied pet fetish. (Not that the fetish itself is toxic, but due to the blatant disregard for consent, Ota's version would definitely be)

So to me, Ota's whole 'Koro' thing simply comes from a place of wanting connection and feeling like the only place he ever got that and ever will get it, is from a loving pet.

When you think of it that way, it's really sad, honestly.

And just like any person/partner struggling with childhood trauma, Ota backslides into toxic behavior throughout the rest of his story. He also definitely keeps that mask firmly on his face for the rest of the world.

As you continue on into more of Ota's story, you learn more about his background, why he struggles to trust, and his distant familial relationships growing up.

Perhaps it's easier for me to come to this conclusion having more of that background than some people who've played Ota's Season 1 story and then put it down due to the ick factor. That's more than fair.

That's why I decided to break this up into parts, and I'm going to play through the rest of the Switch content and add more to this as I go.

Kissed By The Baddest Bidder actually has some really interesting storylines and well fleshed out characters, but unfortunately, in some cases you have to dig a bit deeper to get the full nuance of it all.

I 100% intend to purchase the rest of his content via the DLC on the Switch and then the other stories on Love365 as well, so I can get the full picture.

I just really felt the urge to put pen to paper as it were and give Ota the benefit of the doubt a little, cause I just think this guy needs a big hug.

Please comment either here or on my Twitter @DanganWhatNow and let me know what you think, I'm interested to hear other people's thoughts and opinions also!

Thanks for reading!

[angelo-chiarelli]

[ andrew garfield, cis-man, he/him ] Hey, isn’t that ANGELO ‘ANGEL’ CHIARELLI. I thought they went away for the summer? Did you hear they might be a HUMAN? What I do know for certain is that they’re 38, and they’re SENSITIVE and SECLUDED. They’re originally from FLORENCE, ITALY, and have been in FENRIRSWOOD for 6 MONTHS living in FENWAY. I wonder if they still work at THE LITTLE DUCK as a BARTENDER and at DULANT COLLEGE as a PIANO PROFESSOR.

basics

full name: angelo 'angel' luca chiarelli nicknames: angel age: 38 date of birth: october 13th, 1985 zodiac: libra sun, leo rising, libra moon gender & pronouns: cisgender man, he/him relationship status: single sexuality: homosexual spoken languages: english and italian(native language) occupation: bartender at the little duck, part-time piano professor at dulant college

appearance

face claim: andrew garfield height: 5'10"(177.80 cm) dominant hand: left hair color: brown eye color: brown distinguishing features: tbd tattoos: n/a

personality

positive traits: kind, understanding, intelligent, gentle, passionate negative traits: frivolous, impulsive, gullible, indulgent, envious

mentality

phobias: fear of being alone, fear of being forgotten disorders: depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder allergies: n/a

background

hometown: florence, italy birthplace: florence, italy education level: master’s in music

headcanons

moved to fenrir after going through a pretty rough divorce with his now ex-wife. angel only married a woman because he knew it was what his parents wanted for him and he didn't have the courage to tell them that he's not attracted to women. the marriage was short-lived, having lasted for less than 5 years.

his bipolar disorder is undiagnosed, mostly because he hasn't been to a psychologist before. angel is aware to some degree that he tends to go through highs and lows(mania and depression), but chalks them up to feeling affected by whatever's going on in his life. when in a depressive period he's able to function, he just isn't as lively as usual and keeps to himself more. this is just the part he lets other people see about that aspect of himself, behind closed doors there's much more to it.

he observes and celebrates most jewish holidays because of his upbringing, as he comes from jewish heritage. angel makes it a point to travel back to italy every year for hannukah, it's important to him that he celebrates it with his family. growing up the significance of his culture and heritage wasn't lost on him, his family made it clear that it wasn't something to be taken lightly.

his parents own a vineyard in florence, which is part of why he chose to work as bartender at the little duck. while most of his knowledge about alcohol is limited to wine, angel has been spending recent months educating himself on liquor. he does enjoy some cocktails but holds a certain fondness for wine, specifically rosé

frequently throws extravagant parties because he enjoys being surrounded by people. it makes him feel less alone, which is a feeling he's struggled with for a lot of his life. only the closest of his friends would know that the parties he throws are his way of trying to get people to like him. when his home isn't full of intoxicated partygoers, he can be found playing piano, writing music, or writing poetry. despite what many might think, he's rather quiet in his down time. knows how to play piano and has a degree in music, but never pursued it as a career. angel considers music his true passion, it allows him to express feelings he doesn't know how to put into words. he doesn't necessarily want to perform, though he will on occasion for smaller get-togethers.

[the-selfship-corner]

Selfship Ask Game by @selfshipseaside

(ft Bakugo)

Band-aid 🩹 - If there was one thing about your f/o that you'd want people to understand, what would it be? I’d want people to understand that he’s not a mean person. He has trouble expressing his emotions, so they usually come out on other people as anger. Thoughts 💭 - What do you think your f/o thinks about you when you're not around?

“She’d look hot in that.”

“This would be way less boring if she was here.”

“I’ll buy her something since she couldn’t come.”

“I hope she hasn’t gotten herself into trouble..”

“God, I miss her.. loveable idiot…”

Balloon 🎈 - Does your f/o celebrate their birthday? Additionally, does your s/i or yourself celebrate yours? If so, what's the special day looking like? He celebrates his birthday, but he doesn’t make a super big deal out of it. He’d never admit it, but he loves when his friends surprise him with presents or a small party. I do celebrate my birthday. It looks like a party with friends, marbled cake, and roller skating.

Microphone 🎤 - Does your f/o sing or play music? If so, how are they at their craft, and what's your favorite thing about it? He can sing and play the drums, although he barely shows anybody. He played the drums at the school festival, which made him more confident in his skills. If I ask really nicely, he’ll sing to me. Despite his regular voice being scratchy, his singing voice is surprisingly smooth. I love watching him get into playing the drums.

Phone 📞 - If you and your f/o have cellphones of any kind, what's their contact name in your phone, and what's theirs for you?

My contact for him: 💥❤️My Blasty❤️💥

His contact for me: Angel Wings🤍

Dance 💃 - Can you or your f/o dance?

He’s never really had a big interest in dancing. I know a few basic dances, but nothing really romantic or cute.

Romance 🌹 - What's the most romantic thing your f/o has done? Furthermore, what's the most romantic thing you have done for your f/o?

It’s hard to choose. He’s done quite a few romantic things. For Valentine’s Day, he knew that I had had a sucky day at school. When I got back to my dorm, he had set up a little dinner he had cooked himself, and he also had bought me a box of chocolates. After we ate, we went to my bed, which he left a teddy bear on. He cuddled me for the rest of the night.

I’ve also done a lot of romantic things for him, but I think the most romantic thing I did was on a day he had also had a bad day. He had actually been on a mission at his internship, and came back with bruises and sore muscles. I made a bath for him with candles and bubbles. He seemed to really like it. I gave him a massage afterwards.

Crystal Ball 🔮 - Is your f/o superstitious? Do they believe in the paranormal? If so, what kind of stuff do they believe in/fear?

He doesn’t believe in the paranormal, though there have been a few times where he’s questioned the existence of ghosts. It’s very rare for him to be afraid of things like that.

Bed 🛏️ - Where does your f/o like to sleep? Are they conventional with a good schedule, or do they find damp corners to call their bed?

He prefers sleeping in a bed, but could manage on a couch or sleeping bag. He’s not able to fall asleep during class when everybody is talking. He tries to get to sleep pretty early on school days, as he thinks it’s important for his health and becoming #1 hero.

Sick 🤒 - Your f/o is sick in bed, what do you do? I ask him if he needs anything, though it’s hard to tell if he actually does or doesn’t because he hides his feelings. I usually make him some kind of soup, bring him a washcloth for his forehead and check his temperature. If he feels alone, I don’t mind laying in bed with him, as long as it’s not the stomach bug.

Song 🎵 - What's a song your f/o knows by heart, and a song you know by heart?

Him: The Drug In Me Is You -Falling In Reverse

Me: Pity Party -Melanie Martinez

Feather 🪶 - If you and your f/o were animals, which animals would you be and why? He would probably be a tiger or hyena, because he’s strong and mostly aggressive. I would probably be a snow leopard or a falcon of some sort. I’d really like to fly.

Smile ☺️ - What about your f/o makes you smile every single time? Furthermore, what's something you do that makes your f/o smile every time?

Every time Bakugo hugs me from behind or smiles at me, I smile. Something that makes him smile every time is when I tell him I love him.

[bluesky88diary]

Love is the first word about you… Perhaps, right now the best might be to say only고마워 for each memory I have from you. However, love can be shown not only in pleasant touches. Sometimes father has to take birch rod that kids will learn responsibility for personal actions, thus protect them and shape their character. But I'm not your father, thought. This is up to our Heavenly Father, what's the best for each one of us.

Past half year love made you unbelievable lovely, bloom like young flower in warmth of sunshine after refreshing rain. I'm happy to be a part of this time, to see you like this and fall in love with you. Also I'm sad, because only thing I can is a wish to see you.

Today I'm trying to put all feelings I have toward you aside and think more soberly, analyzing each event and decision we made in given us time frame. However, everything I write feels wrong and I merely throw out all these thoughts from my head. I want to stop thinking, want to keep this glimpse of sunshine as beautiful memory. Don't want any pain and regrets.

Beside perfect much of our characters and likenesses something much more important keeps us apart.

For instance, Adam was perfection of creation. Not the beginning of evolution, but peak of it, made perfect by word of God. His love toward Eve was perfect as well. No men ever loved woman like Adam loved Eve. Their feelings were pure and innocent, deep and reliable, ardent and the most romantic you can ever imagine, their relationships like perfection of love, before sin entered their hearts. Deceived, Eve stepped on path of death, disobedience and rebel against God, of being fooled by Satan's pink promises about unseen happiness, riches of love, prosperity and highest ranks of divine evolution, "you will be like gods". Woman bought lies of enemy and brought them to her most loved one, because she sincerely believed, she found better ground for her family, she believed that is making a step into her house with magical balm of love, but in fact it was deadly poison. "There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death." Proverbs 14:12. Maybe I do the same? What if we are merely deceived and this love can become a poison for our hearts? Otherwise, why it hurts so much?

After all I can assume that at my the best and also the worst, nothing changed, the most important for you remained not the family, nor even people in need, but your job and personal comfort. I don't want to say is it good or bad, I don't know, but in fact no matter how hard we tried, I'm afraid, eventually we only will hurt each other fighting against wall of separation.

The time of test to reveal what both value the most in this life.

I have way too many thoughts in my heart and cannot put them in order to share precisely. But the biggest of my concerns is that your life, the phenomena of being celebrity, the life put in artificial conditions in try to separate one's life from hazards and unwanted, uncomfortable events, the most I worry this makes your heart indifferent to need of people. God blessed you the most, whatever you could wish you received one by one. But how do you use all these blessings? Lucifer, the greatest angel among all, the most blessed and talented angel, filled his heart with pride and instead to use his position and blessings for happiness of others, he desired more for himself, he craved to become like God alone. So have you ever thought about your life, is it more like life of Lucifer or Jesus? At the hour of final judgement what report you will bring before God? I worry there will be no one able to stand in defense for you, if your life was only for yourself and the loved one. Don't make excuses that care about loved one makes heart less indifferent toward sufferings of others. In this world many people need your help, and you could do much more than add another commend of pride to your carrier list. Therefore I pray for your heart, one day your eyes will be open to real need of people. Dear Seungyeon, your life is much more valuable than you might think.

Jesus died for you, for you have a chance to live for him.

[celestiiaale]

@ofcryptid whispered: ❝  no,  if you’re upset that’s what matters right now.  talk to me.  ❞

»» ──────ஓ๑⚚๑ஓ ────── «« ɪᴛ ᴡᴀꜱɴ'ᴛ ᴛʜᴀᴛ he was upset, per se, more like ... annoyed. with himself, mostly, for making such a stupid mistake, but he couldn't swallow that tiny bit of irritability he felt towards luke for sharing such an embarrassing occasion to all of his friends at rad. as an angel, his duty was to remain calm, composed, and empathetic to all beings, free of sins like wrath and envy in everything he did. but that banquet was really important to diavolo, and as an angel who wanted to tie the string of alliance between the devildom and the celestial realm even tighter, he wanted to make sure the demon prince was satisfied. he always appeared as such, but he could still sense an underlying air of disappointment from the prince when he got the news that the fresh-baked cinnamon cookies from the celestial realm wouldn't be at the banquet.

❝ ... as swimmingly as the banquet went, i still cannot shake my disappointment for not being able to present my cinnamon cookies, ❞ he admits, fidgeting with the gold tie that kept both sides of his cape from sliding off of him. ❝ we all want our worlds to be at peace. and the prince appeared disappointed when i didn't give him the cookies. and it was all because i made a very silly error. i ... didn't keep track of how long they were in the oven. devildom ovens are very, very strong, and i simply did not anticipate this. but ... i guess it's FINE, right? lord diavolo and barbatos both appeared pleased at the end of the celebration. ❞