#But im so depressed i cant bring myself to move my body enough

[quillandrapier]

You could be having the most harrowing mental health episode and you just have to clean and be present.

[sereniv]

i managed to talk myself into picking some stuff up

conversation went similar to this (not all exact wording but the jist) in case its helpful to anyone especially if you have executive dysfunction or anxiety or depression and have a hard time getting things done. rebloggable if helpful

"just get up and pick some things up"

"but theres so much and itll make me exhausted"

"just throw away only trash thats easy to home in on theres not much to figure out with cough drop wrappers"

"but ill get tired im tired thinking about it. how do i even start?"

"first look at the area you want to pick up. do it right now. normalize it take your time looking at each item"

"im atarting to get overwhelmed and a headache i cant manage that rn. im going to get too tired"

"are you tired enough to sleep?"

"no"

"are you tired enough to get up to go to the bathroom?"

"no"

"pretend like you have to go to the bathroom. and bring the toilet paper in. thats all you have to do. on your way in"

"how do i get up?"

"breathe. move your fingers. move your toes. move until you get used to the idea of moving. roll a little, or rock. hum in your chest its too quite for us. its too stagnant"

eventually i was able to losen myself up and sit in bed. i kept reminding myself that i just have to do one thing and that can be on the way to do something i always do which is go to the bathroom

"get up and go to the bathroom

get up and go to the bathroom and stop stop, get the toilet paper. grab it. pull it with you"

i reminded myself that the moment i felt too tired exhausted fatigued i could drop it all and lay back down.

but i gave my self a condition. That if i cant bring in the toilet paper then i dont get to go to the bathroom. (i didnt have a urgent need to go)

I told myself i could also pick up one wrapper or one tissue and throw it away. or if i had a problem bending down i could close some drawers

i reminded myself that even the smallest thing once in a while adds up. if i picked up one tissue a day. every other day. 1 tissue a week, eventually my room will be cleaner

i kept bringing my attention back. because i would get overwhelmed. But i told myself to ignore everything block everything out except one item like a cough drop wrapper

and this was before i got up. once i got up i stood. i told myself to take a deep breath and that if i wanted to sit back down i could

but i was up, and i reminded myself that ive checked off one thing off the list. if i sit back down its ok, because i got myself up.

i reminded myself my room has been a mess for months. and that whats another month of it being messy, except now that month will be filled with constant attempts and praise of those attempts

and at the end of the month if i picked up one wrapper that can still be considered a success especially compared to previous months where i didnt make any attempts

so i got up and i stood there. i told myself to move my fingers and my toes and my neck and my arms

normalize body movements while standing up, especially when its quiet it can make me feel stagnant and its hard to have controlled movements (as in not just routine like going to the bathroom)

standing up felt like i could actually do something. it felt different from laying down, laying down was too comfortable and made me not want to get up

but now i was up and i loosened my muscles enough.

"how are you feeling?"

"ok but its so tempting to lay back down again but i want to get something done i feel bad"

"its okay to lay back down you know that right?"

"but i feel bad for not doing something"

"getting up is doing something"

"im going to attempt to take the toilet paper"

and once i started moving it kind of set into place and i was able to pick up a few things, more than i expected.

because being overwhelmed or feeling bad about not being able to do something makes you forget how easy something is or how not scary or bad it is

so i ended up not needing to keep talking myself up, and was able to put the toilet paper away

i also had conversation about my clothes:

"i want to move my bed but i cant because theres dirty clothes on the floor and a box i have to get rid of and a basket of clothes that are clean that i have to go through what do i do? how do i do all that? its so much. where do i put my dirty clothes"

"put the clothes in the box. you dont know where to put the box yet, so dump all the clothes you find even clean ones in the box. its ok to wash ones that are clean. the box can then go in the corner, and you deal with that later"

so put the clothes in the box. and moved it to the corner. immediately i see more clear space and socks scattered. i reminded myself to focus on the dirty clothes which were easy to home in on. and the scarf and anything else considered clothing even stuff i knew i hadnt worn (clean).

seeing the carpet less cluttered made my brain calm down. it made it easier

and i didnt do more, even though i felt like i could

keep your energy. keep doing it this way. you did a little, and i know you can do more. but you dont need to take this opportunity. you dont need to rush. you dont need to go until youre worn out. you are allowed to do the bare minimum and you are allowed to not do your best. because sometimes doing your best saps your energy ao you only can do your best a few times. if you do your least, you can do your least more.

So yeah ive been trying to break things down, and go through the repetitive nature of anxiety and executive dysfunction. its a baby. it cant figure these things out and its like going around in circles

but you repeat yourself and are kind and remind yourself that even moving a finger can be enough for now, and eventually that like 10 minute or more conversation can normalize these things

can break through the problem. treat your anxiety and your depression and your executive dysfunction and overwhelmeness like a little kid. whos scared, whose confused. who needs to have things repeated. who needs reasurence and praise. be patient

i feel good. i picked up some trash and put toilet paper away and dumped clothes into a box. i went farther then i expected. and i stopped even though i could do more and im glad i stopped.

your conversations might take longer half hour. an hour. but it has to be encouraging. not rushing. explain to yourself. ask yourself questions.

how are you feeling? why? break it down for yourself like a child. you deserve patience and kindness. you deserve to have your hand held and to be praised by you.

[letpol]

Untitled...

It is weird how things can change in a moment.

For some reason i haven't found an answer for a simple question, what do I want to do?

It has been more than a month, this question comes through my mind several times a day and for some reason i feel fine with no answer. At least a concrete answer.

As there are goals i have but i'm currently just trying to live my best life and try to enjoy it.

Having suicide roam your mind every single second of your life is hard, harder than people think it is. Seeing a grey world is fucking depressing.

Seeing how life loses colour, that's the toughest part. Having all those vibrant colours around and not being able to notice them, it hurts.

As someone who already experienced what's on the other side let me tell you that it is worse. A big empty black nothingness, that's the other side.

Walking aimlessly and endlessly with your own thoughts. Knowing well enough that your mind is your own worst enemy.

Loneliness is hard, for both mind and body. End up losing interest in every little and small thing you used to enjoy.

Depression ends up killing you inside bit by bit, in chunks so small that you don't notice it. People around you will start noticing it, they will tell you and the same depression will silence their warnings.

Having to constantly play music within my thoughts to hear some background noise instead of my own thoughts, or the silence within my own head, which is scarier. The silence within your thoughts is hard to describe. At least the feeling of it. As someone with always something making noise when the silence arrives it is hard.

Feels like a void, like i've been disconnected from this world. Like i no longer belong here. Weirdly as it brings some discomfort it also brings a deep sensation of peace. Like the world finally did shut up.

Losing my safe place was the trigger that made me start to work on myself. Sounds weird but it is true.

The moment i lost what i loved the most was the moment that triggered a change in my life.

As it was the moment i knew that i had lost myself. Lost sight of who i was and what i was set to do.

Would love to see that i have found my path back, unfortunately i haven't.

I know, somehow, that i'm currently working on finding my correct path, has been hard. But knowing that i'm on my way is what has taken me this far.

Doing things that I have never done before has helped too.

Going step by step is the way, sometimes depression will bring you back, but all you have to do is keep moving in a direction, doesnt matter which one as long as it itsn't going back to where you have been.

Reached the point where human life became meaningless and more of like a game, thats the point on which i decided it was enough. As I didnt want to end up becoming a psychopath, as seeing people die in front of me became meaningless and sometimes even fun.

Thats the point that i realized that i was going on a dark path. When human life became meaningless at all for me. Seeing people die even became a hobby and got to enjoy it. Human stupidity at its finest so i thought those lives were just a waste of resources.

It came to a point where i was just deceiving myself and everyone around me as i had become a soulless man with no ambitions at all. Lying to myself every second telling myself that everything was gonna be fine while knowing i was a complete mess inside, slowly killing myself.

Might write a little bit more another day or just might droop it here. Im just leaving my mind run wild a little bit.

Meditation is key to getting better, at least in my case.

The only reason you cant change is because you're dead. If you want to make a change just do it, dont wait for when it is too late and you will regret it. Already lost what i loved the most, but thats the reason i decided to change. To get back what it's mine and work toward that path of personal happiness.

Who knows if i'll get there, if i do, i just hope that the journey will...

[jaymindsay]

untitled vent 1

I right this from a place of high rage and depression I don’t care anymore I'm sick and tired of life kicking while im down starting to feel like I'm at the bottom and about to die from drowning I try to smile to keep from frowning but its hard to keep up the façade of giving a fuck I could care less and less with each day passing every mile I walk in this life brings more pain and strife I understand y the Nashville shooter did it I'm tired of being attacked for my views fuck everyone blow their brains out everyone last one of them till I'm the last person left alive alone among the bodies laughing like the joker while I treat eve like Harley and choker till her face till her turn purple like barney none yall could fucking harm me death is a release at least then the pain would cease because I would no longer be left by myself with the wicked sisters grief anxiety and anger I think they took happiness and decided to hang her from a tree show her off to me like a Halloween decoration because she starting to feel fake like she isn't real thought I could tough it out but I cant so now you see the graphic side of me I keep caged well the wolfs broke out of the captivity and now he is tearing my sanity to shreds making visuals of me hanging from the rafter by my own guts blood dripping from the cross that’s cut in my chest with a serrated blade everyone in my family decided they hated me now im showing you the darkness that my heart hides piss me off and I might just tear you apart limb by limb starting at your sides slicing up like a surgeon but instead of a scalpel im using a butchers cleaver next move to your legs cut em with a hack saw with an audience watching just standing there slack jawed listening to your screams is like music to my ears and im not shedding anymore tears now on to your arms put pins and needles in em like Hellraiser's face this aint acupuncture but its damn sure gonna puncture your veins disturbingly calm as I look at he blood stains on my hands the voice telling me to die but I wont give in to their demands that’s not part of my plans as I start to calm mistress deceit plays a trick on me making me see red again til inevitably I want to be dead again it’s a viscous cycle I try to outrun it but sure enough it runs me over like a semi truck splattering my guts all over the highway of life you see that torture victim was me in my fucked up mind

[a-steamy-roll]

It feels kinda alienating when your body is just fucked up enough that you can't quite call yourself able bodied but can still get around well enough you don't feel like you can say you're disabled

[princessmyriad]

I wish i had my cat with me. I know shes gotten fat again, i hope shes happy. All the work my brother and i put into keeping her weigjt down and mother just lets her get chonky again. Shes like 17 shes allowed a snack break near the end ig but, just the amount of times ive got yelled at for keeping this fat cat and the fatty vet bills she came with and the mother just.. does the same, allows the cats shape to rounden. I miss her dearly.

I worry about my semi-legal fish and how much electricity he costs. Is he costing extra? Too much? Will i go over my cap for trying to keep a companion so i dont go stir crazy? Is the fish happy?

What do i do about my current companion? I love him dearly, he does not see me. Does not hear me. He wants to care but he does it all wrong and i still feel lonely. I need more from him, i dont know how to ask. Ive been rejected when i tried, im scared to stand up for my own interests again for fear that it wont work, it never does, nothing will change, it never does.

I want to kiss the boy from class. It feels like a betrayal to the one i love, though more than once i have been rudely reminded this is not an exclusive type of communication. My heart breaks when he sleeps with others. I cant bring myself to have sex with anyone, though i need it more than i get. Him turning to others has made my body disgusting, i dont want to be in it experiencing any sensations it experiences. Its ugly, tainted, depressed and angry. It doesnt look good in a flowey skirt like X, or a cute blazer like Y, or in warm cozy hippie vibes like Z. I will never be good enough.

And now im not good enough for myself. I want love, i want warmth, i dont want to be touched or looked at. I cant eat, it makes me nauseous, i cant sleep, theres too much time between my head hitting the pillow and actually being asleep that i have to just experience thoughts.

It seems unfair to drag the boy from class into my bullshit when i dont even know what i want or if i want more than a kiss.

Getting to class makes me so sore, a 20 minute walk shouldnt be so fucking hard, yet i feel like ariel walking on knives with every step and i arrive pained, sweaty, sore.

Im sorely hoping to be debt free by the end of the year but i keep having to ask to borrow grocerie money. Im incredibly grateful to those who do assist when i need it. I cant ask them always though, thats not fair to them.

Presently, i keep alive for the thought of providing the absolutely perfect christmas to our little, but i think like my mother before me i just wont have the money to make her day special.

There might be a family christmas this year. Maybe not, covid. Eiether way, i do not want to go. I dont want to have to buy gifts for and pretend to be okay around all those people who emotionally destroyed me last year. I will never not remember my granny telling me my dad doesnt love me when i look at her face.

Im thankful for this room, that its cheap and not my grandmothers place full of ghosts and unkind words. It surely is the biggest room ive ever had. Its so far away from everything, and its filled with strange people and trauma not love and warmth. Its filled with my tlstuff and things but none of them mean anything anymore, theyve been moved in so many boxes for so long theyre no longer ornamentss, just box fillers, meaningless things. Do i still love things? I wish i could buy a little treat without feeling like shit abt it. Maybe one day, i can buy a snack and an ornament at once.

I dont have permission to turn my own bedroom heater on when im cold. I need to learn to give myself permission to live, to do basic shit like turn on a light if its getting dim outside. I feel trapped, not in just this room but in my whole life. I have been looking for help. There fucking is none. I dont see it worth learning to allow myself to be, when i dont want to be. Im tired of suffering lmao, tired of trying to fix my shit alone. I cant do it, clearly i am not the fixer i need.

I want to tell people i need help. I want to tell dad about my system. He doesnt love me, he wont care. My brother doesnt acknowledge it, neither does my lover. It makes me want to die when ive put so much of myself out there to those rare two people who matter, and neither of them have asked about it, or talked about it. Ive introduced myself as other system members, only to be forcefully called Kitty again and any wishes i expressed steamrolled over. Its been cool to learn about my own brain this year, learn about the other people in it. But i wish someone outside of us would acknowledge it so i feel real and not crazy. It has not been fun learning about trauma. Fucking 9months old? That shits so heavy man.

How do i keep on keeping on

Asking for a friend. Or 11, in fact. We need to be ok, and were not. Im not okay.

Havent been for a very long time.

[canisterofsoda]

incoming long list of incorrect quotes because im getting annoying on discord so you people have to deal with me now

Kei: Looking left cause you don’t treat me right

Han: Looking right because you left

Rose: Looking up cause you let me down

Oliver: Looking down cause you fucked up

Blair: What is wrong with you guys

---------------------------------------------

Kei: Bridge the generation gap by combining old and new slang into one!

Han: Tubular AF!

Rose: Mood to the max!

Oliver, annoyed: Groovy, I hate it.

Blair, just as annoyed: If she breathes, she’s a square.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Kei: What’s something you guys are better than Han at?

Rose: Mario Kart.

Oliver: Yeah, video games.

Blair: Emotional vulnerability.

------------------------------------

Kei: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?

Han: Have everyone stand.

Rose: Bring three more chairs!

Oliver: The most important ones can sit down.

Blair: Kill three.

--------------------

Kei: Favorite horror movie?

Han: It

Rose: Saw

Oliver: Annabelle

Blair: High School Musical. after watching it I spent all my middle school years terrified that the entire school would start singing something and I’d be the only one who didn’t know the lyrics

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Kei: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.

Han: This knife is actually a magic wand.

Rose: Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot for a wizard duel.

Oliver: *cocks gun* Magic missile.

Blair: What the fuck is wrong with you people.

---------------------------------------------------------

Kei: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life

Han: Self-esteem, haven't seen you in years!

Rose: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this!

Oliver: I knew I lost that potential somewhere!

Blair: My moral code, is that you?

Kei:

Kei: I was just gonna show you this cool trunk my mother left me but do you guys need a hug?

------------------------------

Kei: What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything?

Han: Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies

Blair: Socks are Feetie Heaties

Oliver: Forks are Stabby Grabbies

Han: Defibrillators are Heartie Starties

Blair: Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies

Oliver: Stamps are Lickie Stickies

Rose, annoyed: You are disappointments

--------------------------------------------------

Kei: Where's Han, Rose, and Oliver?

Blair: They're playing hide and seek.

Kei: Where?

Blair: I don't think you get how this game works.

---------------------------------------------------------

Kei: You kidnapped Han? That’s illegal!

Rose: But Kei, what’s more illegal? Briefly inconveniencing Han, or destroying our dreams?

Kei: Kidnapping Han, Rose!!!

Oliver: Kei, listen, whatever I may think of you right now- these guys are counting on you to inspire them!

Kei: What, to kidnap people?!?!

Oliver: To work together!

Kei: TO KIDNAP PEOPLE?!?!?!?!

Blair: Kei, we all agreed a Han is a not a people.

--------------------------------------------------------

Kei: Anyone d-

Han: Depressed?

Rose: Drained?

Oliver: Dumb?

Blair: Disliked?

Kei: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people ...

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Kei: Nothing in life is free.

Han: Love is free!

Rose: Adventure is free.

Oliver: Knowledge is free.

Blair: Everything is free if you take it without paying.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Kei: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends.

Han: ... Your what?

Kei: My friends.

Rose: Are they saying “friends”?

Oliver: I think they're being sarcastic.

Blair: No, no, no, this is delirium, they've cracked from being awake all night. Hey, Kei! All of your friends are in this room.

Kei: I have other friends! You asked me to make new friends, I made new friends! It was a task. I complete tasks.

-----------------------------------------------------

Kei: Good responses for being stabbed with a knife?

Han: Rude.

Rose: That’s fair.

Oliver: Not again.

Blair: Are you going to want this back?

---------------------------------------------------

Kei: Are we really going to let Han keep Rose?

Oliver: We kept Blair.

----------------------------

Kei: What does 'take out' mean?

Han: Food.

Rose: Dating

Oliver: Murder

Blair: IT CAN MEAN ALL THREE IF YOU'RE NOT A COWARD.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kei: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous.

Han: What if it bites me and it dies!?

Rose: Then you’re poisonous. Jesus Christ, Han, learn to listen.

Oliver: What if it bites itself and I die?

Blair: That’s voodoo.

Himari: What if it bites me and someone else dies?

Han: That’s correlation, not causation.

Oliver: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?

Blair: That’s kinky.

Kei: Oh my God.

-------------------------

*The squad is over at Kei's house*

Han: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven?

Kei: ... N-No...

Kei, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have???

Han, motioning to their kitchen: Three, I thought!

Rose: I see a-

Kei, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.

Han: Oh, well I-

Kei: Hey wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*

Kei, amazed: Its got a bake setting!

Oliver: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!

Blair: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?

Kei: Now I've just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don't have to roshambo nothin!

Kei: I am someone who owns four ovens...

Kei, louder and way too happy: I am someone... who owns FOUR OVENS...

Kei: I didn't know I was so rich with ovens...

Himari, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven!

Kei:

Han: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!

Kei:

Kei, fucking ECSTATIC: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Kei: Rules are made to be broken.

Han: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

Rose: Uh, piñatas.

Oliver: Glow sticks.

Blair: Karate boards.

Himari: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

Kei: Rules.

Han:

--------------------------------

Kei: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?

Han: >:O language

Rose: Yeah watch your fucking language

Oliver: OKAY WHO TAUGHT ROSE THE FUCK WORD?

Blair: 'The fuck word'.

Himari: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time

Rose: Oh my god they censored it

Blair: Say fuck, Himari.

Rose: Do it, Himari. Say fuck.

--------------------------------------

'Can I copy the homework?'

Kei: I can help you with it!

Han: Yeah, sure.

Rose: Bold of you to assume I did the homework.

Oliver: lol nope.

Blair: Wait, we had homework?!?!?!

Himari: *Read 5:55pm*

-------------------------------

Kei: Time for plan G.

Han: Don’t you mean plan B?

Kei: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.

Rose: What about plan D?

Kei: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.

Oliver: What about plan E?

Kei: I’m hoping not to use it. Blair dies in plan E.

Himari: I like plan E.

-----------------------------------

Kei: We need to distract these guys

Han: Leave it to me

Han: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.

Rose, Oliver, and Blair: *Immediately begin arguing*

Himari, watching in horror: Oh this. I don’t like this. I don't like this at all.

------------------

*The squad right before Kei's wedding*

Han: Well I have to go, I have a wedding to attend.

Rose: Wait... Oh! I have a wedding to attend too!

Oliver: Oh, I have a wedding to attend as well

Blair: I THINK WE ALL HAVE WEDDINGS TO ATTEND

Himari, panicked: I THINK I HAVE A WEDDING TO OFFICIATE

--------------------------------------------------

Kei: Croissants: dropped

Han: Road: works ahead

Rose: BBQ sauce: on my titties

Oliver: Shavacado: fre

Blair: Miss Keisha: fuckin dead

Himari:

Himari, grumpy: I didn’t understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you.

---------------------------------

Kei: Everytime I hear someone talking about updog, I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.

Han: Okay, but what is updog?

Rose: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.

Oliver: Not, that’s a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.

Blair: No, that's an update. You’re thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.

Himari: Surely, that’s Uppsala, where’s updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.

Kei: That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.

Oliver: You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.

Rose: No, that’s an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.

Han: What’s a henway??

Kei: Oh, about five pounds.

----------------------------------

Kei: Just be yourself.

Han: 'Be myself'? Kei, I have one day to win Rose over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?

Oliver: Couple weeks.

Blair: Six months.

Himari: Jury’s still out.

Han: See, Kei?

Han: 'Be myself'. What kind of garbage advice is that?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Kei: I CAN'T DO IT!

Han, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!

Kei: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE

Rose: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.

Kei:

Kei: I appreciate it,

Kei: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-

Oliver: Kei-

Kei: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!

Blair: Kei we gotta-

Kei: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.

Kei: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'

Kei, motioning to Himari: NOT FUCKING THIS

--------------------------------------------------------

*Squad reactions to being told ‘I love you’*

Kei: Thanks fam!

Han: oh no

Rose: *cries* I love you too

Oliver: Sounds fake but okay

Blair: *A flustered mess*

Himari: can i get a refund

-----------------------------------

Kei: Hewwo.

Han: Hihiiiiii!

Rose: Greetings, Humans.

Blair: Three kinds of people.

Oliver: I want pudding.

Kei: Four kinds of people.

Himari: WHAT’S UP FUCKERS?

Blair: Five kinds of people.

-----------------------------------------

Kei, walking into their house: Hello, people who do not live here.

Han: Hey.

Rose: Hi.

Oliver: Hello.

Blair: Hey!

Kei: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!

Himari: We were out of Doritos.

-----------------------------------------

Kei: *Posts a super low-quality image to the group chat*

Han: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I’d have 15 cents

Kei: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you

Rose: Actually I did the math, Han would have $225, not $0.15.

Han: Fam I’m right here....

Oliver: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :)

Kei: while you’re there could you buy me an apply juice please?

Oliver: Sorry I only have a dollar

Kei: :(

Rose: Hey I just realized my friend is right, Han would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent

Oliver: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice

Rose: You can buy anything you want with $22,500

Blair: Yeah and they want soda and apply juice

Rose: Apply juice to what

Himari: Directly to the forehead

Han: Great chat everyone

---------------------------------

Kei: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?

Han: Nope, absolutely not.

Rose: I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through.

Oliver: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life.

Blair: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.

Himari: I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome.

[marvinswriting]

Broken Arm

Tw: Major character death, reference (slight reference) to self harm- unrelated to the death dw im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry im s- g/t mean girls

The air smelled of disinfectant mixed with depression. 

I couldn't tell if it was that or the pit of anxiety that was making me nauseous as I stare numbly at my arm, freshly casted. The bright lights and hushed voices of the hospital didn't feel real. Like, I knew I was here on Cady's shoulder, leaning against Aaron, but at the same time, I wasn't here.

Or I'd rather not be at least.

I hoped I could wake up from this nightmare. Any minute now Damian would nudge me awake, school day over or something. 

But this wasn't a dream because the pain was all too real.

I stare blankly down the hall. The hall where they rushed him.

Damian got hurt the worst.

My stomach tightened thinking about it.

Cady had her head in her hands mumbling about a concussion. Gretchen set with her hands folded neatly in her lap, looking out into nothingness. Both Karen and Regina were crying softly, looking shaken up.

The sound of doors slamming down the hall makes us all lookup.

Ms. Hubbard runs into the room, teary-eyed and bewildered.

"Where?"

Karen points down the hall. "They won't let anyone in."

"What happened?" She says after getting a good look at all of us. "Jesus are you all okay?"

It wasn't hard to see where Damian got his motherly instincts from. 

"Janis, your arm!"

Ms. Hubbard rushed over, promptly scooping me off Cady's shoulder.

"Know how they say tinies shouldn't ride unsecured on a shoulder when in a car? This is why." I motion to the cast. "Somebody blew through the intersection. Hit driver's side, right-right uh, where Damian was." I look. down, swallowing hard. "I fell."

"And this is why we have safety regulations. Who else got hurt?"

Mama Bear Hubbard went around the room making sure everyone was okay. It was a nice distraction from what was going on down the hall. For all of us.

"Cady, I'm very grateful you wore your seatbelt otherwise it could be worse than a concussion."

"Gretchen, I hope the scratch on your arm heals."

"Regina, maybe take a nap you'll feel better."

I couldn't help but smile.

Ms. Hubbard lifted me to her shoulder and I sat down as she found a seat next to Cady.

Everything felt harder with one arm, but one thing Damian takes after his mom is walking smoothly without bouncing or sudden jolts.

The waiting room was silent again.

It feels like we sit for hours.

Maybe it was.

It was probably only minutes.

A doctor emerged from the hallway where Damian was. 

Ms. Hubbard stands quickly, silently scooping me off her shoulder and handing me to Cady. She rushed over to the doctor and we all watch wordlessly.

We can't hear what they're saying but body langue isn't had to read in these situations. 

They talk for a bit before Ms. Hubbard's hand shoots to her mouth. 

The waiting room once filled with clicking of keyboards and buzzing of lights was now filled with gut-wrenching sobs.

Aaron wrapped his arm around me, pulling me closer. We all knew whatever news was coming couldn't be good.

I didn't want to hear it.

But I listened anyway.

A week.

They say he has a week.

At most.

He was awake but- in pain.

Ms. Hubbard was in the room right now talking.

Visiting hours for today would be over soon but if we all spoke for ten minutes each-

Ten minutes wasn't enough.

Ten minutes won't ever be enough.

I'd have more time tomorrow.

A week.

The news made my head spin.

I couldn't just have a week left with Damian.

We were supposed to have the rest of our lives.

We were fric and frac. You never saw one without the other.

It can't just be a week.

Ms. Hubbard stepped out of the room, glancing at all of us. If her teary-eyed expression mirrored our own, then we all looked like a mess. I felt like a mess.

"Janis," Aaron said softly, rubbing my uninjured arm. "You wanna go in first?"

I didn't, actually. I didn't want to go in at all. I didn't want to go in and have the situation solidified. I didn't-

"Yeah. I'll go."

Cady didn't move but Karen came over, lifting me gently off Cady's shoulder.

Aaron leaned back by Cady's neck as Karen walked away. 

The whole group looked distraught, I could only imagine what I looked like.

I looked down as Karen opened the door to the room. My finger trailed over my cast, as I looked everywhere other than the bed in front of us. 

"Hey, guys."

My head snaps up at the voice. Damian sounded in pain just to talk. The tears in my eyes were back.

I wasn't gonna cry in front of him.

He deserves better than that.

Damian didn't look like he had just been hit by a car. I don't know how I expected him to look. Maybe completely casted like in the cartoons. Instead, he just looked pale. There was a bandage on the side of his head right by his hairline and his entire left arm was wrapped up and gauzed. 

The side the car hit.

I swallow thickly, trying not to cry.

"You guys don't have to just stand by the door," Damian said with a humorless laugh.

"Right." Karen set me on the table next to the bed and silently waved a quick goodbye.

Despite the slow beeping of the heart monitor, the room felt deafening quiet.

"Hi," I say flatly.

Things were never weird around Damian before. We always knew just what to say to each other and when. But- I was at a loss.

What do you say when your best friend is dying in a hospital bed? 

There's no go-to small talk for that.

"You okay?" Damian asks me. His eyes don't have their usual shine and I force myself to look away.

"Yeah."

"You sure? I can't imagine your arm feels great."

"This isn't about me." I cross my arms over my chest, as best I can with the cast. 

"Janis," Damian frowns. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? Damian! You're in a hospital bed and you're worried about me." I step backward, blinking violently to stop the tears from falling.

Damian smiled sadly. "I want to make sure you're okay. I'm dying there's nothing they can do."

"Don't say that."

"Janis, it's true."

"But you don't have to say it!" 

Damian doesn't say anything to counter my outburst, he just sits there quietly. 

It's almost worse.

Great.

My best friend is dying and I yelled at him.

I'm a shitty friend and a shitty person. 

Damian deserves so much better. So much more.

But I can't give it to him.

All I can do is yell and be a little bitch.

Maybe I shouldn't have come in.

This was a mistake.

I glare down at my boots, almost like it's their fault.

My vision is blurred with tears that I refuse to let fall.

"Jan?" Damian says after a while. 

I look up expecting to see anger because I yelled. Resentment, bitterness, something.

But there was none.

Damian looked at me sadly, more worried if anything.

"C'mere."

I step to the edge of the table as Damian reaches out. I can't imagine it doesn't hurt and a familiar pit of guilt forms in my stomach as normal when I'm being a nuisance.

Damian scoops me up gently and I try to ignore how his hands shake underneath me, or how they aren't as warm as normal. I try to ignore the way his face has lost all color. The way his eyes look dull and lost.

I try to ignore the fact that my best friend is fucking dying.

He holds me gently against his chest, something he has done so many times before. Whether it was to watch a movie on a Friday night or for a mid-day nap during the hot summers. But this was different.

His heartbeat was concerningly soft. The comforting beat was faint and dull.

Tears burning in my eyes again as I leaned backward into Damian's cupped hand.

He was dying.

My best friend was dying.

My giant was dying.

Damian was dying.

"I love you, Janis," He whispered, his fingers cupping around me more. "So so much."

It's futile to hold back the tears now. I try unsuccessfully anyway. "I love you too."

There are tears in Damian's eyes too and something about knowing he's crying too makes it so much harder to stop the flow of tears. I cover my mouth as I try to bite back a sob, being wildly unsuccessful. 

"Damian, I can't- I just-" 

My brain can't put together sentences.

Damian is dying.

It's the only coherent thought my brain can make. Like a broken record with the needle stuck on the same part.

Damian is dying. He's gonna die. There's nothing I can do to stop it or help. He's dying.

"Hey," Damian hold's me closer. "You're so strong. You'll be okay. You're the toughest person I know. You've been through so much and you will get through this. Okay? You're so brave and I know you'll be okay. Just promise me you won't do anything stupid."

I don't respond. I can't make that promise. I cant-

"Janis. Please. Do it for me." Damian sounds so feeble, so scared, so broke.

To see Damian, the person who had always been my rock and safe place, the one with the level head who always knew what to do, look as lost as I did-

"I'll try. I promise." 

"Okay." He said softly. We didn't talk for a bit, we just sat there. I tried to convince myself it was like normal. Like any day I'm just held to Damian's chest. 

But it wasn't normal.

His breaths were shallow, my arm ached, and the unspoken goodbyes hung heavy in the room. 

There was a knock at the door after a while. Gretchen stood there. "It's been ten minutes."

"Oh, okay." Damian nodded, bringing his hand away from his chest.

I didn't want to leave.

Not yet.

I thought we had the rest of our lives to hang out. Not we only have a week.

At most.

Ten minutes isn't nearly enough.

"I'll be back tomorrow," I say, hugging his finger. "I love you."

"I love you too, Jan."

I let go and allow myself to get picked up by Gretchen, despite wanting to just stay and cry.

I can't bring myself to look back as we leave. Cady is waiting outside the room and steps in the second Gretchen walks out. 

The rest of the night is a big blur. I slumped against Regina the second I was lowered to one of the tables and for the most part, zoned out. But I couldn't sleep. The events of today flashed before my eyes every time I closed them. 

"Hey, Janis?" Regina nudged me. "You wanna stay with me for the night?"

My initial reaction was to say no and go home, but- 

I thought back to my promise I made to Damian. 

It would be easier not to hurt myself with somebody else around.

Besides, company didn't sound like the worst thing in the world right now. 

"Sure," I say softly. 

Regina stands, pulling me up with her. "Gretch is gonna drive us."

"Okay."

Gretchen lifts both of us as she brings her hand to her shoulder. 

I climb on numbly. My movements feel sluggish, like each limb has a fifty-pound dumbbell attached. 

We wave goodbye to Ms. Hubbard as we leave. She's driving Cady and Aaron home them coming back. Every part of me wanted to ask to stay with her. I know she'd say yes but- she needs time alone with her son.

I can't be selfish.

Karen is also getting a ride home from Gretchen and she holds Regina and I as Gretchen drives. No more on the shoulder when someone drives.

I spend the entire ride looking at my cast. The plastics around me talk but I don't pay attention. They don't expect me to. 

Regina and I get dropped off at the edge of tiny town. Its a bit of a walk to the George's and we treck in silence. 

It's dark out.

The tiny area of Northshore doesn't have many streetlights, but the lights from houses illuminate the sidewalk well enough.

I stop at my house first, grabbing a few things for an overnight trip. 

My parents aren't home.

I'm glad though. If I saw them right now I may start to cry all over again.

I think I've done a pretty good job of bottling up my feelings from today. Not that it's healthy. 

I can't have everyone worrying about me though. We have to worry about Damian. 

Tomorrow felt so far away.

We make it to the Geroge household and Regina turns to me, speaking softly. "I'm gonna go fill my mom in more. You know the way to my room. Make yourself comfy."

I nod, turning to the stairs. I hear Regina and Ms. George talking as I step into Regina's room.

It didn't change much since we were in eighth grade.

Our rooms used to be identically pink. Same bedspread, same pink-themed boy band posters, same fairy lights.

Then the pool party happened. 

My room changed drastically.

Regina's shed the old posters.

I toe off my boots leaving them at the foot of her bed and shed my jacket, letting it fall to the ground next to the books.

I flop back onto the plush mattress, the twinkling canopy of lights above me. 

Turning on my side and bringing my feet up to curl into a ball, I'm mindful of my arm, trying to ignore the way it aches.

If today went as planned- what would I be doing right now?

I'd be with Damian obviously.

My eyelids feel heavy but I can't sleep. I don't want to replay the memories of earlier.

I don't want to even think of the nightmares that could stem from it.

We had been so happy.

I was on Damian's shoulder bickering about him playing more broadway songs.

"Driver gets aux. Not only does the driver get aux, but this is also my car, Jan."

"But-"

Damian chuckled shrugging his shoulder a bit, making me lose my balance.

"Hey!"

Cady grinned at us from the passenger seat. "Today was fun guys!"

"I agree," Karen said.

The skies were turning shades of purple as Damian drove home. The gang had spent the day a couple of towns over just exploring. It was the little things like that where they had the most fun.

Damian flicked on his headlights. "I didn't think we would stay that long." He says honestly.

"Yeah, who knew exploring a town square could be a full-day event!" Aaron said from his spot in Cady's hands.

I grinned leaning against Damian's neck.

The plastics sat in the back seat talking amongst themselves, Damian or Cady occasionally chiming in. 

Despite my very clear opposition to it, show tunes were playing softly through the speakers. 

I look out the driver's side window at all the houses we passed. People sat on front porches talking, others walked their dogs.

We were on the main road so all roads we intersected with had the stop sign, not us.

That made it easier for me as the tiny. I didn't have to worry about stopping short and going flying. 

It happened so fast, none of us really had time to react.

Gretchen made some offhanded remark about the music and how it was "Janis's favorite". 

I scoff, glancing out the window-

-only to see headlights.

"Janis." 

I jump, Regina had walked into the room. 

"Sorry, got lost in thought."

"I figured." 

I sat up, swinging my feet over the edge of the bed as Regina sat next to me. "You okay?"

"As okay as I can be."

Regina tsks, wrapping her arm around me and pulling me closer. It's one of those times where you know talking won't do anything so you don't try. 

The headlights.

The impact.

The pain.

Damian.

It was all slowly catching up.

I look at my arm. "Today didn't feel real."

"I know," Regina said softly. "I know."

My phone rings from where I left it still in my jacket and we both jump.

I fish it out of the pocket, frowning at the caller ID. "It's Damian's mom."

"Pick up."

"Right."

I raise the phone to my ear, my mind racing through all the possible reasons Ms. Hubbard could be calling.

I just hoped it wasn't-

There was crying on the other end.

-that.

"Hello?" I say shakily. 

"Janis, the doctors were wrong. They- he- oh god. Damian-" There's a breath on the other end and I feel like I'm gonna puke from anxiety. "Damian died. He-"

For a second I think I misheard her.

"Wait- what?"

Then there are tears on the other end.

I didn't mishear.

Ms. Hubbard talks some more but-

I'm not listening.

I didn't mishear. I didn't mishear. I didn't mishear.

I had to have misheard.

But I didn't.

The phone in my ear feels like a dull buzz. My brain isn't understanding what Ms. Hubbard is saying.

It didn't make sense.

We were supposed to have a week.

I was supposed to see him tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

We don't get a tomorrow.

Damian is gone.

The realization clicks and it feels like a punch to the gut.

No.

I sink to the floor, my phone falling out of my hand. Its the least of my worries right now.

No.

The world around me doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel important. I'm vaguely aware of Regina by my side, pulling me into a hug and talking on my phone. 

No.

I'm vaguely aware of the tears falling from my cheeks. I'm vaguely aware of the way they hit Regina's shoulder, the mascara staining the designer fabric.

I don't care enough to pull away.

I don't care at all.

I went from spending the rest of my life with my best friend, to a week, to never seeing him again.

In a matter of hours.

It didn't feel real.

But if it hurt this much when it didn't sink in- then I don't want it to sink in.

Regina placed my phone down, her arms wrapping tightly around me as my body shakes with sobs.

Only four hours ago we were trying out different ice cream flavors a town over.

We were making fun of Gretchen and Regina, posing like basic white girls for the camera. 

But now-

I'm dimly aware of Regina talking but my brain cant process.

Damian's dead.

My best friend.

My other half.

The person who would stand by me for life.

Someone I could always count on.

Someone I love.

Was dead.

"He's gone." I whisper, my voice thick with tears.

"I know." Regina sounds just as broken as I bury my face in her shoulder.

"He can't be gone."

"He is."

We stop talking after that. We're still in the middle of Regina's bedroom floor but the thought of moving right now feels unbearable. 

Doing anything right now feels unbearable.

What's the point?

He's gone.

He's gone. He's gone. He's gone.

It physically hurt.

I couldn't move, I couldn't talk, I couldn't breathe.

Each shallow inhale was met with forceful cries.

He's gone.

Regina hugs me tighter as another sob escapes my mouth.

I know it's late and for the sake of others in the George household I should try and quiet down but-

Damian's gone.

I feel a spot of wetness through my shirt and realize- Regina is crying too.

Who wouldn't? Damian is gone.

The mom of the friend group, the light whenever one of us was sad, the only one who was willing to stick up for tinies regardless if he knew them or not. He was sweet to everyone, and always welcoming. 

That was rare in Northshore.

Now it's gone.

Now he's gone.

My mind kept saying it but it didn't feel real.

He couldn't be.

No.

Damian was my rock. I needed him. He needed me. We needed each other. What am I supposed to do now? 

He cared when no one else did.

He made me feel loved and important when no one else would.

Even as I sat here in Regina's arm, I never felt more alone. 

More lost.

Damian was dead.

I wouldn't get to see him tomorrow- I wouldn't get to see him ever again.

"Regina-"

"Shhh, I know." Her fingers ran through my hair gently removing the knots from the day. "I know."

But she didn't.

She wasn't there when I hit rock bottom. She wasn't there when Damian was. She didn't know how much I needed him.

I slump into Regina, completely drained of tears. She continues her work on my hair, it would be a lot quicker if she had a brush but- it felt nice.

"I miss him," I say bitterly. With the tears out, I felt angry. Angry at the world for doing this. Angry at the driver for blowing through an intersection. Angry at myself for not doing more. Not being able to do more.

"Hey, stop that." Regina says suddenly, grabbing my nonbroken arm.

Huh? 

Oh.

I had been scratching my thigh without even thinking about it.

My fishnets were ripped and four long red lines stood in their place.

It didn't come close to breaking the skin, but Regina gently held my hand anyway. "Remember your promise to Damian."

"How?"

"He wanted to make sure you were okay, no matter what happened. I mean- we all do- but you know Damian."

"Yeah," I say softly. Of course, Damian was more worried about me even-

Even on his death bed.

Because he’s dead now.

He’s gone.

I frown, pulling away from Regina. 

"I'm tired."

She nods. "Okay, you go to bed, I gotta- make a few calls, okay?"

"Okay."

I don't bother to change into the pajamas I brought, I just flop down on Regina's bed.

I can almost hear Damian telling me to change out of my fishnets and remove my contacts and take off my makeup- all the things I should do.

But the second I'm lying down- there's no getting up again.

I don't want to ever get up again.

He's gone.

Damian is gone.

He couldn't be.

It wasn't real.

I had to wake up from whatever hellish nightmare this was.

I look down at my cast.

A painful reminder of reality.

A painful reminder of today.

I twist so I'm on my back with my cast resting on my chest as Regina leaves the room, leaving the door cracked behind her. 

"Hey Cady, I have news. Aaron with you?"

guys- listen. this could be the angstiest shit ever or not at all- ive read it so many times im desensitized. So yeah, sorry if  broke your heart, ill try harder next time if I didnt. now who wants fluff? or tiny swap p2 lmao @realmisspolarbear @musicallygt @smallsoysauce @sourishlemons

[teddy-feathers]

sent an email to my drug shrink so at least i did that like i said i would

im probably overreacting.  but things are getting hard. Its been this way for a while actually - i tried talking to dr slick about it but I discounted what i was saying even though in retrospect its clear this is what it was. I'm. 

i dont want to say depressed because ive been worse. Ive been capital D depressed and Ive been helpless and useless with it and not given a damn or maybe cared so much it swalllowed me whole. 

but i mean i dont want to do anything. nothings fun anymore or has been fun for months. and like i try and do things because i want to want to do them. i know i enjoy these things but I either go through the motions or just stop frustrated and bored. or irritated. even reading which is my one true love and escape i have to force myself to focus and find myself skimming at best. 

the whole reason i bring this up is this past weekish. its like. ive been building up toxen in my system and no way to let it out. and now its like my body's asleep and moving is pins and needles. distant static not intense just hard to want to move through. and. wednesday i thought about throwing myself down some stairs so hard i got light headed at work. not to kill myself just... just to get hurt bad enough i wouldn't have to go anymore because i dont want to do this anymore, i dont want to do anything anymore. like i keep thinking im lazy so lazy because its work but its not just work - work is just the only thing i really do. i stayed home two days after that and i feel like im just going to have to keep forcing myself through the motions and its not going to get easier and at some point ill go back to being that lump who just wanted to lay there and wait to die. 

ive got a trip coming at the end of September to visit my friend in Pennsylvania.  And thats not that far away. but i dont feel like ill have a job then or even want to go because whats the point. and even if i do go im not going to be any fun to be around. i just want to sleep. which. i wanted to go on this trip. i wanted to see my friend and make plans for the future and moving and its five weeks away and instead of feeling like i just need to hold on until that long and itll be okay i feel like giving up. on everything. all of the time. its stupid. 

i think the medication helps because i havent had a breakdown. even wednesday. i just got. concerned. because i dont have the greatest track record with impulse control when it comes to hurting myself to get out of things. but i actually told people what i was thinking so i wont do it because then it cant just be a stupid accident anymore. 

and i know it sounds lame but ive got people telling me I'm not usually lazy. i care about my job usually too much. ive had several people tell me i need to talk to you, and say it may be the medication... i wanted to stop taking it so i could have a breakdown so i could believe theres something actually wrong with me that can be fixed and im not just being stupid and lazy but those same people pointed out fucking with my meds is a bad idea for many reasons and i listened to them. 

do you think there is a chance its the meds? or that there is something wrong with me. i haven't followed up with the shrink yet, i know i need to but even i dont believe me and im already going through the motions trying to push through and im afriad thats all anyone can tell me to do and that's just. not enough right now and hasn't been enough for a while. 

im sorry to bother and i really appreciate your time and consideration. 

pity party sounding pos but its sent and i did it and im.... well not proud of me. just tired. id like to stop being tired

[pokefanbri]

I still have all our convos thru text & messanger, i didnt even realize til now or even existence of the still there photo we took together on our 1st date lookin like 2 hot messes lol. Ive done the math correctly this time lol & actually looking at the calendar its another stab to the chest...3 and a half months under the same roof, but almost 6 months together in full...im telling u, it wasn't enough time 😔😭 makes me wanna slit my own throat.😫What the actual fuck!!!🤢🤮

he said this to me earlier this yr 20 days after I moved in.

"To answer your post on Facebook Some change is not bad leaving your comfort zone to better your self is not change it's the right thing to do for your body your mind controls. I've left my comfort zone behind and making changes that impact all around me if you can't see the work I'm putting to make you a better person that your missing the point why we are together to better each other I won't stop trying to make you a better person because I feel some type of way I don't feel about anyone else"

Isn't that what we do everyday, to be better versions of ourselves. We most definitely have changed for the better over time this yr, small amounts at a time...u cannot rush these things or force change onto another.. Though it starts with you for your own betterment, You can't make someone else change or be better if they're a bit stubborn to change little things that may be upsetting, but you can surely help them through it. One has to step into the shoes of the other & realize something isn't right...but how do u help or approach someone struggling with a problem..& bring them out of the darkness, being there for them, a simple hug or cuddle, compromises, a safe space to talk things out...taking action to help them heal is all thats needed. As I reflect on everything we've said to eachother.. I know he cares about me or loves me too at the very least..even if he can't bring himself to ever admit, I know its within and has been apparent many times. He may think he's not good enough for me, or I for him due to my own issues...but everyone has them, it doesn't mean your weak. If one is in a state of weakness the other is there to help them up & assure them that their stronger than they give themselves credit for. And the purpose of going through things good or bad together, learning what to do & what not to do..its all a normal part of the experience..it brings you personal growth & even bring u closer as you go, work out your issuse & become stronger together. When u love someone, u love them with all their scars & wounds, broken or damaged..& would do anything to bring them comfort & pick them up when they're down. This is how I feel toward him. Though I wasnt given alot of support myself, being next to him & holding his hand was all the support I needed most the time, he was my rock as much as I was for him. I was too wrapped up in my own problems to notice he had any of his own..though he hid them well so I had no clue. If u want to be better do it for yourself & it would reflect on those around you. And when you're with someone, you do it together with strength & determination to see it though til u make it through. Im strong without him but still so weak without my rock to guide me. With him I was free but still stuck in my own poisonous prison, it wasn't meant to be his burden too, & his onto mine respectfully. He was stuck within his own walls just as much. We both didn't know how to come out of our individual depressed stinks, incapable of giving we needed, we weren't equipped with the right tools necessary to lift eachother & lost sight of what was important..we quit bettering ourselves & got worse..stuck under 1 roof without much to do..our own personal cell....and not doing anything to help the other, we didn't know how. If I knew then what I know now, it wouldn't have been that way 100%. After a few months there was less trust & eventually we both got scared of what we thought of the other til it got under our skin & I could sense him pulling away. All we needed was to be heard, cared for...and genuinely loved. We were the best of friends the whole way through nevertheless, but we lost eachother in the end, heartbreak hotel ever since. My heart has been putting back the pieces but still burns for his 2,000 miles away. I feel we didn't experience a whole lot..& the story was & still is far from over. I cant help but feel this way, I just can't stop it...its not easy at all to let go of him when he's the missing piece. Its so fucking hard when ur heart is tethered to someone elses. And it hurts so much that I wanna die. But I cant give up, cause if I did he may too. Im lost without him. But even if he's not here beside me, even if I need his warm embrace to tell me im safe from the storm, ill continue to better myself..for my own growth, & for him. I promise this

We lost the battle, but we didn't lose the war. Keep fighting my King of darkness with all your heart & your Queen of light will do the same. I hope to God one day we find eachother on the front lines when the dust settles

[lupusexspiravite]

My Health Journey and what Helped.

Hello, My Name is Wolf aka Lupus Ex Spiravite and i have a Story to share.

 8 Years ago, Just before I graduated college, Had a Fiancee/ Submissive, Was a Pro CoD Gamer and everything in the world felt Right. Then one day after a rather long and stresfull day, i woke up with a severe Headache that went on for 2 and a half weeks (Not days, weeks.) I thought i just had overworked myself, Come to find out 8 years later that it was the started point of when my health Deteriated and my safe and comfy world disappeared. It wasnt a meer headache this turned out to be my first of 3 total mini-strokes. I went in and they ER confirmed that during the last 2 weeks of my associates degree i had had a mini-stroke and was lucky that i was even alive. They ran tests and eventualy all they could do was tell me to get bed rest and do as much of nothing as i could.

So i did, and barely managed to graduate with a 3.45 gpa In Computer Drafting and Design. I was happy and i thought it was over so i went into going for my bachelors of Game Design. 2 months into the degree my body started to really move on its own, I had always had small jerking movements in random places of my body but this was different, It first started heavily in my hands making it extremely hard to do almost anything. So i went ot the doctors they gave me some muscle relaxers and sent me on my way. i was good for about 7-8 months before the movements went up from my arms into my chest and made it extremely hard to breath. The doctors didnt think anything of it and just gave me more pain releavers and sent me on my way untill i went to a hospital i personally trusted and they tested me and found i had Late onset Severe Tourettes Syndrome. Meaning that i had had tourettes my whole life but only recently did it begin to truly act up.

 I was given meddations and the twitches as i call them died down a lot. I was able to get back to my schooling and try to get good grades. so i did. Thought nothing of it until one morning i woke up with excruiciating pain in my chest. the type of pain and discomfort you never want to feal. toke me 3 hours before i told my fiancee to drive to the er. When we got there i ended up passing out 4 timee before i was brought ot the back and given again muscle relaxers which calmed it down. That was thrst of almost 900 chest pain attacks i had during the next 13 months During whcih my tics Just came back with force.

It toke those doctors 13 months to figure out i had an extremely rare condition which causes the muscles in my chest wall to contract at over 100 contractions a second, literally mimicking a heart attack without having a heart attack.  During this time I was diagnosed with 6 other Health Conditions, which eventually lead to me dropping out of getting my bachelors degree. So i toke a break friom school Opened my own computer repair company and went on my way to well living. Then i had a head ache this time not as bad but enough to cause me to black out for a total of 3 hours. when i woke up i was in the hospital, i was toke that the mini-stroke had left a scar of sorts which was gonna cause me to have black out head aches for the rest of my life. During this time i was working on gettingm my license and as soon as the DMV heard my health history they black listed me from driving. I let it roll off thinking everything will be ok. another 8 months goes by and My fiancee/Sub left because she couldnt handle me having these health issues. My buisness Died, and i was forced to go live with my sperm donor for a while.

 Which allowed me to focus on getting my health straightened out but that lasted 6 motnhs before i was kicked out of my sperm donors house because i wasnt christian. For 5 and half months i Literally spent the days and nights on the streats with nothing but me and the wilderness to contend with sincle it was a backwoods town. I eventually got a call from a friend and went to live with her for a while. She eneded up becoming my Sub because we had been in talks about it before i originally left to go stay with my sperm donor. i was happy for 2 years. I eneded up finiding that Marijuana was a good way to calm all my health issues down and because i had a Sub again My Phyiscal and Mental Health was extremely good. Till i hit another road block.

A second Min-Stroke, Followed by severe food poisioning a month later and 4 monhs after that a emergency Gall Bladder Removal, which left me weak and vulnerable yet again, and what happens my Submissive again Tells me She cant deal with my health issues and im forced to again leave. This time coming to another state where my sister helped me get my health situated ( During this time i had my third mini-stroke) before i get told the worst news in the world, I had stge 2 colarectal Cancer which needed an imidiate Surgery Removal. I was Diagnosed on May 9th, 2019, when into surgery 2 months later. Spend 3 months recovering before a secondary surgery was done and recovered from that after another 4 months.  This left me with mutiple Scars on the inside and a non-alcholic Fatty Liver with barely working kidneys. As of June 8th 2020 i was told i had beaten my cancer. I was happy but it left me with extra health issues.

 Mentally during the whole time i was and still am struggled with depression, Anxiety, Over active Stress, PTSD and More whcih was not being taken care of because to the doctors it wasnt bad enough. During this 8 year period i put myself in a Mental Hospital twice to try to deal with everything going on. Didnt really help. Then I started Teaching BDSM after all i had spent 5 years prior to this. First Studying for the first year, then Learning and participating in the BDSM Lifestlye for the remaining 4 years after i hit 18. BDSM Became the only way i could truly ground myself. When i was doing a scene it was like my entire health issues, both physically and mentally just Disappeared and my Sole focus was on what was going on in the Scene.

 Over all these years, Since i hit 18 and then when i hit 22 and became a Certified BDSM Master, BDSM Became the one Rock that even in the Darkest days could bring me out of it. BDSM Allowed me a Healthy Way to Cope while teaching and Enjoying something I  Loved. This is the power of BDSM that No one talks about. That no one expects but it is there. It pulls you into a grounding vortex that doesnt let you go for as long as you need so you can Enjoy. Have Fun, Safely and healthily become Grounded. For me Its like Lighting that electifies and subdoes all my health issues. Once i learned when i was 18 that it did that I never once looked back. and to BDSM I say Sincerely Thank you and i hope that During the rest of my Hopefully long Life i can within the BDSM Lifestyle.

The reason i diecided to make this was because, There has been a lot of people who Dont understand that the BDSM Lifestyle is Something more to me than just a relationship. It is literally a way for me to Keep myself going through the Crappiest of days. The funny part of all this is I know I am not the Only one in whicht the BDSM Lifestyle helps in this way.

Thank you for Reading the ramblings of a an old Souls post.

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

[poetic-beats]

You'll be ok. If you feel your not, You can talk to me. Take care of yourself.

Thank you so much <3  I am just overwhelmed by everything right now.  Like my partner having no job by January. My mental health. My physical health like this year so far I’ve been told I have CNS dysfunction and FGID. I am being tested for Celiac. Oh and they found cysts on my ovaries then they tested and said it wasn’t what it could’ve been and now because of issues I’ve had my female GP who handles my contraception which is due up in January wants me to have another uhh thing to check the cysts and have another blood test because turns out I could actually have it..and it could affect my chances to have children naturally - I know what it was like for my mum she has the same condition and so if i have it I’m scared even though things are different now they know more and have better options its still like D: It is like seriously though I’ve got two new things wrong with me although they havent yet like found the cause of the CNS dysfunction all the specialist could say is I hit some markers for Fibromyalgia but not enough but in her medical professional opinion I do have some form of CNS dysfunction but just not likely fibromyalgia my mum took me to see this specialist first purely because she has Fibro herself so she thought well lets start with an appointment with a rheumatologist who would like be able to check for fibro and a few other condtions. So I kinda need to like now see I think the next step is a neuropsychologist but like I’ve been so stressed and ill right now trying to fight for my mental health treatment/therapy so I’ve not been like exactly thinking about making appointments for the CNS stuff. But it is impacting me it makes me get involuntary like twitches/jerks it feels like a jolt like a little electric jolt i guess down my body but not painful as such but it just makes my body go like suddenly my arms jerked to the left or Ive thrown the food in my hand across the room because my arm/wrist/hand w/e has suddenly twitched or w/e but sometimes i get the like electric like w/e feeling its hard to explain it like across my whole body from my head to my toes and at that point it can lead to me just sort of on and off twitching a bit more like less aggressively but more often in a space of time i usually end up sleeping it off so idk really I pretty much just always pass out asleep when I get that kind of feeling. And like I wanna do stuff to like help ease his worries about money and the burden on him to support us financially and support me emotionally. But I’m not fit to work like not even a minor part time job really because I’d be so unreliable with the way my body is. I am also affected by sensory issues and other things so it’s just not I couldnt realistically right now engage in work for someone.  So I am trying to do like online things but I don’t...I...just I am getting kinda overwhelmed by that too. Cos I dont know where to start what to do. Like I do but I dont you know? I mean...idk...Ive sold 3 pairs of sloth socks which was cool in the past like 2 weeks or is it 3 now since like i started like really seriously uploading to redbubble like before that I kept like uploading then removing my designs trying out different sites and so on I was trying to figure it out but I do now have it kinda figured out so that’s something. But now its like I’ve gotta get people to my freakin’ redbubble and its hard cos how an earth do i drive people to check out my store from the millions of others on the site. But also like I dont wanna like.. Idk I feel like and even though I have explained my situation on here I still kinda feel like I try to do it in a like not serious asking for help way in that i dont want it to come off as idk like I dont wanna be that person where its like i dont wanna be coming off as oh please help me feel sympathy towards me and feel sorry for me or pity me bs. I dont wanna be like appearing to be all I’m in desperate need pls help signal boost or buy to support me. Cos I’m not you know I have my parents to help we’ll be moving back in hopefully before xmas where I won’t have to pay rent. For me this is more about you know when my parents aren’t there I need to have an income for me and my partner hes disabled too...so full time jobs for the both of us is not likely especially if his EDS (edlher danlos syndrome) gets worse ya know?  So I suppose my worries arent like of imminent threat of anything but more like in the future we’ll be fucked if i cant set down the foundations now for the potential for a long term income from various online strategies. But just even thinking about the future and that far ahead fucking terrifies me.  Not only because of all this but because I never really thought about the future I didnt see one for myself as far as I was concerned I’d be dead or I’d be just...idk I couldnt even imagine a future or if I thought I’d make it I wouldnt really care you know because I didnt have like that light in me to want to live so it wasnt like I wanted to survive and thrive and i couldnt see a ‘happy ending’ for myself and now i can and I want to make that come true but of course its a bit hard to envisage a nice happy future with Kade when literally everything depends on having money to eat and have a roof over our heads etc and its just..UGH

I feel like trash too because I feel like my worth is valued by my output/labour and at the moment my output isn’t really bringing in cash right now so my output wouldnt exactly be deemed as ‘good’ idk its just weird its not like an I feel worthless thing like depression low self esteeem shit its more just a sort of social cultural consensus/belief that is ingrained that we are not really worth anything unless we’re contributing to society i.e working , paying taxes and buying things to reinvest in our economy etc etc..everything is about how much a human is worth in value of £ssss to big corporations and governments and rich people and idk its just like...they do have a point you know i cant just sit around and not do anything to contribute..because..then i feel like you know im not ‘sick enough’ to warrant that so im just in this limbo i guess completely self enforced by my mind which just makes it all the stupider but it is what it is. Venting this out has helped clear my mind some cos i mean at least its now out there in this void than just bouncing around my brain. Its why i write poetry too I guess idk why I just feel a release less tension SOMETIMES not all the time but sometimes it can help ease even if only slightly the chaos of my mind to just get it out there whether by chatting in person or writing it out like this just having it out there venting to someone or on a blog where people will read knowing like its not isolated within you still its relieving sometimes. So thanks for messaging me!  I hope you are having a good day so far! Idk timezones or where u r so it could be early there for you maybe your day is just starting..who knows! Its 2:37pm where I am right now though so I need to work  or try to...(yet again me feeling if i dont work constantly I be like failing at life) lol

[allforthecourtt]

rereading aftg with my dumbass opinions pt. 2 (tfc chapters 6-10)

pt. 1 | pt. 2 | pt. 3

look guys! its the highly unanticipated continuation of my reread of aftg!

chapter 6 (aka. meet this MESS of a team)

“My mother's family is French." It was a lie that probably had his British mother rolling over in her sandy grave.”

neil really never misses an opportunity to remind readers that he fucking buried his mom on the beach huh?

“A liar who practices occasional honesty. Clever. Keeps people guessing. Very effective. I would know. I do it myself, you see. Come on, then. After you.”

have i mentioned how entertaining high andrew is? because he’s funny as hell

also rereading these are fun because Nora is incredible at foreshadowing just sayin

“Neil automatically reached for his seatbelt, but one of the brothers was sitting on it.”

how neil would be in the back of the cousins’ car if they let him:

“You?" Neil said. "You can't." Andrew's smile curved wider. "Ohhh, that sounds like a challenge. Mother may I?" "Your mother's dead. I don't think she cares what you do.”

HO HO HOLY SHIT NEIL

“Starting a fight was too out of character for who he portrayed "Neil” to be, though.”

“Consider this your official invite, you suicidal wretch. I'm bringing you to Columbia with us this Friday.”

awe suicidal wretch... glad they’re starting those pet names early

“I don't drink or dance," Neil said.

andrew: i kno u can

“Kevin doesn't dance anymore”

anymore? ANYMORE??? release the cursed events that led to him not dancing anymore Nora im begging you

“Are you bleeding anywhere?" Matt asked. "Nowhere vital," Neil said.

gskjgnsak god i stan this little asshole so much

“She said it gently, with the hint of a smile on her face, but Neil still felt the rebuke. It was subtler but somehow deadlier”

have i mentioned how gay i am for renee? because im very gay for renee

“Allison looked ready for a photo shoot with perfect platinum curls, spiked heels, and a skintight dress.”

im also gay for allison ngl

“I can move if you want to sit here," Neil said. "No, this is fine." She smiled, but it had a smug edge to it, probably because Seth was glaring at them like he could kill them with willpower alone. ”

lol remember how neil doesn’t think he’s attractive and yet in 0.1 seconds after meeting him allison is like “yes this idiot is hot enough to piss off the other idiot im dating”

“Personal favorite was when someone told the police we were running a meth lab out of the dorm," Dan said sourly. "Police raids are awesome.”

no offence dan but that’s fucking hilarious omg

that’s kind of like the time my residence floor had to get evacuated bc some kids hotboxed their dorm room

god i love uni

“The death threats were creative, though," Nicky said. "Maybe this time they'll follow through and actually kill one of us. Let's vote. I nominate Seth.”

pfffffttttt i love Nicky omg

also hahahahahah foreshadowing!

“It'll be fine," Andrew said. "I promised, didn't I? Don't you believe me?" It took a while, but at last Kevin visibly relaxed. ”

again this is why i thought they were fucking for like the better part of the first two books

“The dead look Kevin turned on Andrew today was the same look Neil saw in his reflection. When Neil stopped acting, when he stopped worrying about who was watching, when he let go of the lies that kept him alive, that was the only expression he could make.”

it’s fine i didnt need a heart anyways

this kid is 18 hes A BABY

the first time i read this i was 18 too and like jfc i was a BABY at 18 and so i neil

“One of us has to make it, Mom." It wasn't going to be Neil. It was obvious he was too stupid to survive without his mother if he let himself get into messes like this. But maybe Kevin could do it.”

sorry let me just wipe my TEARS off my fucking laptop neil honey what the fuck

“He felt distant as he watched them walk in. Maybe he was already dying, his stupid soul fading from his short body in preparation for a brutal end.”

neil we get it you have depression (me too bitch u aint special)

“Fuck running," Seth said.

now that’s a whole ass mood

“he didn't know how Renee could smile so warmly when she was speaking to Andrew.”

haha bitch just wait

“when he slept, he dreamed of his father waiting for him on the Foxhole Court.”

remember how at the end of the series his father is waiting on the court but neil wins??? god we love good storytelling

this is such a fucking wild chapter

could you imagine? coming back from the summer and your first introduction to this amateur from arizona is this neil josten level of sass? because i’d probably kill him

first years are bad enough but first years who dont care about other people’s opinions? the fucking worst

chapter 7 (aka. neil does NOT have a fun night out)

“It seemed Allison and Seth didn't believe in middle ground: either they were slinging vile insults at each other or they were making out in the locker room regardless of whoever might be around.”

that’s just how the straights are

“It reminded Neil a little of Allison and Seth, except without the desperate sexual undertones.”

i’ll just leave this gem of a line here

“His teammates held so little regard for him he didn't even have the dubious honor of being dead last.”

neil shading himself is actually hilarious how relatable

“Neil watched him do it, trying to remember the last time someone gave him a gift and coming up blank. That his first one should be from Andrew was unsettling.”

i actually love the fact that andrew bought him clothes so early on like andrew your gay is showing

“Neil debated how much damage the thick heels of his new boots would do against Andrew's face and liked what his mind came up with.”

i thank god everyday that these books are neil’s pov

“Andrew gave Neil another slow once-over and let go. "We're going.”

^andrew seeing neil w/o contacts (aka. the ‘i can’t think straight’ vine)

“Most of the men wore leather, half the women had corsets, and a good number of both genders were covered in buckles and chains.”

this... is a... gay bar

“Andrew saluted the bouncers on his way by and led the way into the club, bypassing the line entirely.”

i always forget the drinking age in the us is 21 but like this bar really dont care about their liquor license AT ALL lmao

“You think Kevin would risk his future over a night out at the club?" "What future?" Neil asked.”

WOW NEIL WAY TO BE A BITCH

“Neil hadn't seen Aaron get up, but he was waiting behind Neil when Andrew let go. Neil reached for Andrew with lethal intent, but Aaron grabbed the back of his chair and pulled hard enough to topple it over.”

why are the twins literally this gif:

real talk nicky kissing neil like that is horrible and really reflects poorly on nicky as a character

andrew for this entire chapter:

chapter 8 (aka. a hitchhiker’s guide to lying about your identity)

“I don't know how your conversation with Andrew went, but it didn't end well. Rumor has it you paid a busboy a hundred bucks to knock you out. Way to cut our night short.”

this is probably my favourite thing neil does in the entire series ngl

“Wymack grabbed his elbow and hauled him inside. He slowed just long enough to slam the door behind Neil. "Are you stupid or just crazy? Do you have any idea what could have happened to you between here and there? What were you thinking?”

Why does Wymack literally sound like my father?

foxes: daddy?

wymack: DO I LOOK LIKE

follow up:

kevin: daddy?

wymack: uh yeah

“I don't know what the beef is between you two, but it ends here and now.”

Wymack @ neil: tell your boyfriend, if he says he’s got beef that your a vegetarian and your not fucking scared of him

“Then correct me." "Give me a reason." "Besides the obvious?" Andrew said. "If I can't get an answer from you, I'll get it wherever I can.”

andrew:

“I'm—" Neil didn't want to say it, but the word was already there, broken and pathetic between them, "—nothing. I'll always have and be nothing.”

“He wondered for a moment if Andrew could handle the entire truth so calmly, but that was too dangerous and stupid to consider.”

“Hope was a dangerous, disquieting thing, but he thought perhaps he liked it.”

this is such a good fucking line like i am shooketh

chapter 9 (aka. neil is, like, really horny for exy)

“Are you stupid?" Seth asked. "Yeah," Neil said.”

what a fuckin MOOD

“Neil had almost forgotten why he liked Exy so much. He did his best at practices but these days he worked mostly to keep his teammates off his back. As Neil surveyed Kevin's damage, he finally felt inspired again. On its heels was a hungry, desperate rush.”

“Seth made as if to throw his beer at Neil. "His life is not more important than mine just because he's more talented.”

sometimes i really wish seth was actually given a chance to have some character development

“ "Maybe you're not as stupid as I thought." "Maybe I am," Neil said”

another big fucking MOOD

chapter 10 (aka. shocking: university is hard :/ )

“It's fun telling Kevin no," Andrew said with a wicked grin.”

why is andrew like this omg

betsy probably was like just looking for a chill job and was like “oh cool uni students? ill have to deal with like a lot of anxiety, sexual tension, depression and like confusion about the future, not to bad” but NOPE welcome to the fucking MAFIA WARS

“That wasn't so bad, was it? Andrew was convinced it would be a disaster. He put money on you hating Betsy." "Did you bet against him?" "Yes," Renee said. "It was a private bet between the two of us.”

“I hope you didn't lose much," Neil said.”

god why is he such an asshole at every opportunity i love him

“I can take care of myself," Neil said. "Watch me beam with pride.”

wymack is the best father in the world and you cant convince me otherwise

“There was one for every fall team with schedules printed on each. Neil kept the Exy one, tossed the rest into the trash, and buried his magnet deep in his pocket where he didn't have to look at the dates.”

neil “i only care about exy” josten strikes again with his great school spirit

“Palmetto State was facing Edgar Allan on Friday, October 13th”

that’s such a cliche and i love it

“He detoured around students toward one of Palmetto State's three dining halls. Two were for the general student body. The third was for athletes only”

lmao my school literally has one dining hall and it couldnt give less of a fuck what type of student they’re selling food too as long as they’ll pay $15 for chicken fingers

what kind of money does palmetto state fuckin have

like i get us tuition is a lot but jesus so’s mine and my school couldn’t be less fucked

“It was only the first day of school and he already had three assignments: a short paper, a fifty-page chapter to read, and a page of questions about said chapter. Neil debated for a minute as to which one sounded least painful. Five minutes later he was still uninspired, so he put his head down on his desk.”

1. MOOD

2. first years are so cute thinking that’s a lot of assignments i remember in first year being like “i have to read 40 pages thats so unfair :(” and now i’m like “ah sick only 200 pgs of readings this week? im gonna have so much free time!”

upper year history sucks ngl

“I'm fine," Neil said.”

neil knows exactly two (2) words and those are it

“You say that an awful lot," Matt said. "I'm starting to think you don't know what it means.”

overall thoughts:

the plot is pickinnnng upppp

i kind of forget how much world building happens in the first book but like its good

also i love neil literally hating everyone its so funny bc like bby these going to be your best friends just wait

anyways that’s all for now

part 3 will be the rest of tfc and then we’ll move onto trk if you guys still want more of this? let me know

love u all bye

[flowers-by-the-bed]

Just ignore this it’s just for me to try and organise myself because idk what to do right now aside from cut myself up and hit my head and I’m trying my fucking best to not do that. But as always I need the knowledge that my thoughts are “out there” rather than just writing somewhere private in order to feel like it’s helped me. Not that I have much hope for that anyway. I was doing so so well, moving on, making progress, taking control of things, finding good influences to be around and getting my work done and it all gets shattered over nothing or when my meds don’t work as well as they should. Everything in my life and everything about me is so fragile and built on such fragile foundations and however stable or genuine the changes I make seem, they are nothing. Even if my mood flips again tomorrow and things magically get better, it doesn’t make my emotions any less strong right now, and it would definitely flip back to this as soon as the next stressor happens. I hate it.

I wrote out a huge post about all my feelings earlier and it made me feel better but I went to post it and the fucking connection got fucked and it deleted itself and that alone has sent me spiralling and im so upset and angry and that just says everything, i almost threw my laptop at the wall but threw my phone instead. I’ve been trying to remember what I said because it made me feel better but I just keep crying and hitting things and myself and I cannot shake it, and that’s my reality rn

_____

I’m so exhausted being me and being this mess and I don’t want to even try anymore. Whatever I do and however much I think I make progress, I always end up back in this situation with no triggers or warning. No progress or motivation is worth it because I will never be fixed or stable and there isn’t a guide to navigate this. Why should I try and move forward when within three days this can happen and I’m back at square one. Either my meds were faulty or this is just me but who the fuck cares which it is because either way I’m just a fucking incapable piece of shit. There is no reason I should flip this quickly and feel so strongly over literally nothing but tiny normal inconveniences and the level that I hate myself because of everything and just in general is too much. I hated myself anyway but EUPD moods make it so much worse and so much more intense and I literally cannot do anything close to normal functioning when this happens. My dad came round to check how I was and I cried for a while but then I was ready to try and go out the house with him, but I saw myself in the mirror and had a complete breakdown and cried in bed for hours and didn’t speak. I’m fucking pathetic but I can feel all of the fucking fat on my body everywhere and it feels like a disease, I disgust myself. I couldn’t move or even think about going outside because I couldn’t and still cant stand the thought of anyone seeing my body. It’s vile and I hate it and even when I have a few good weeks and start eating normal amounts again, seeing my body sends me back into a spiral and I regret ever eating at all. I’m crying now because it just feels like you can see the fat expand by the minute and it makes my anxiety and anger and sadness go haywire. I don’t want to try anymore I’m exhausted trying to pretend that one day I’ll get fixed and I’ll be stable enough for myself that I can lead a normal life but it just isn’t possible. I want to drop dead because this is not living. I am exhausted of my thoughts making me think of the most triggering things when I know full well I am already bad enough that I want to die and hurt myself, and just sinking lower into that spiral until I scare myself about what I’m going to do. Every single month there is something that brings me back to this place where I remember that no matter what progress I’ve made, it’s all fake and down to some fucking pills. And as soon as those get taken away, I’m back to being some pathetic waste of space and effort who’s almost 25 and unable to even control their fucking emotions even at the bare minimum level so I can function. I felt so guilty with my dad here and me just being a wreck and unable to talk or go outside. It’s pathetic. I don’t know why I deserve a head that hates me this much and can’t do it’s only fucking job. I’m tired of faking it and tired of hating myself and tired of knowing that for as long as my life lasts, this is all it’s going to be. And it isn’t a life. It isn’t fair and I don’t know why I had to end up like this. EUPD is ugly and it is vile and eventually, whenever it happens, this will be what kills me. The only things that distracted me even a little was my dad coming over and keeping me busy before I fell back into that hole and Matt messaging me, because it grounded me a little for an hour or so because it was nice to interact when it’s been months, but it didn’t work for long. Those aside, I just want to be someone else. It’s too much, I don’t know how to get my thoughts out, I can’t get the anger out even when I hurt myself or break things, it’s like drowning in self-hate to the degree that you cannot see anything else. I just want to sleep and wake up and have this whole stupid fucking disorder and brain gone or a bad dream.  It’s not hard to see why I don’t achieve anything, I will never get to my full potential because of my brain and the boat has pretty much already sailed on me achieving the things I wanted to with my work anyway. Because of how incapacitated I have always been during education because of this. It’s not hard to see why people leave, why I am too much to handle. I flip so quickly and the anger expects others to understand what’s going on when in reality I don’t have any idea either. I need validation and then I don’t want a thing from them. It’s too much. I don’t blame anyone. I blame myself. Every aspect of my life gets fucked up by my inability to control myself or my thoughts or feelings and this is just a huge fucking pity party for me to try and organise my thoughts, just so that for the rest of today, I might be able to move my head away from them now. I’m exhausted. I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m detached from 90% of the people in my life and I don’t care. I just want to hide until I drop or until just one area of my life makes sense. If I could hate myself less and not want to puke and cry and cut every time I saw my body, I’d be able to come with the sad and the angry. If I didn’t react so strongly to the smallest triggers, or felt stable, or stable in my relationships, or able to trust ANYONE, I’d be able to deal with hating myself a little better. If I didn’t read meaning into everything people say and misinterpret things, or have such a strong emotional reaction to people speaking to me or whatever then I’d have more stable relationships and I could cope better with the rest. If I didn’t have such bad anxiety affecting most of my life, the EUPD in general would be easier to control. If I didn’t feel this inability or desire to share with the people in my life who actually do care, I’d find things easier to deal with and would have an actual support system. But by my own design and suspicion and refusal to overshare and burden people directly, I’m a fucking mess. Everything hitting me at the same time, at 400% power, it incapacitates me. I wish I didn’t have a personality disorder so I knew exactly what I’m actually like, and not constantly wondering what is me and what is an illness. I wish I wasn’t anxious so I trusted people’s intentions and could be myself instead of reining myself in and being terrified of being bad at things or embarrassing myself, and never making progress with anything or anyone because of it. I wish I had a healthy relationship with food. I wish I didn’t self harm. I wish I wasn’t depressed. I just want to be someone else and be a real adult. Life is hard enough without an arsenal of chemical imbalances and broken mental Schemas. I was doing SO well and it equates to nothing. I don’t want to be a 24 year old pathetic mess of a person. It’s too much. Although I do it to myself because I’m not someone who enjoys talking directly to people about my problems and I’d never want to burden them, it’s alienating and hard to try and function without explaining what is wrong.

[sulpher]

what do you call someone with a strong annoyance borderline hate of men specifically men who are incredibly (masculine) toxic but would be the shit out of anyone who tried to say a man could be assaulted, or that men should be belittled and mistreated like women?( a rant?)

I remember I got called a terf like maybe two or three months ago and it bothers me because I worry if I could be aligned in that horrible theory. I always thought the main core of terfism was that you are “ gender critical “ and you ironically just like the patriarchy don't think a woman could ever be smart enough to know the difference in literally - anything? i like trans woman too many folks...i like women - cis and trans...they're cute and awesome ...so like how could you not?  Im bringing this up because as of late ive had a very angry and almost cold voice that respond when i see violence against women because people felt entitle to people bodies and just like school shootings and trumps camps I have to numb myself too it or otherwise i would literally go on a suicidal/homicidal spree.  “ a women’s death is nothing in comparison to a man’s freedom. a woman;s discomfort is nothing in the way of a man entitlement “ I dont like that phrase. i feel like if come off to me as the epitome of femi nzai if that’s even a thing anymore since the men who hated them are most likely real nazis. Listen im 28 and stuck in a house with two men who double-crossed me and are only taking care of me because i decided to quit my job. im only in this house with someone who i thought was literally going to harm and someone who stolen moeny from me becuase as a soceity i have been mold to bend until i break and be gaslighted as “ an irrational fuhmal” not even human if i bring it up. its 2019 and im still tlaking to people who think its ok to count thier two stay at home mothers as an example of why women get paid less because they work less but tell em that the 50 women i work with at a company dont count becuase that’s my just my feelings  and smirk and bring up “ toxic feminity” like that not a sub division of toxic masculinity - Because women DID NOT tell other women to compete with other women in order to get men  Because women DID NOT teach other women that it’s ok to hit men and that men shouldn't cry  Because other women DID NOT teach other women that men couldn't be raped, should always pay the bill Not in the beginning ...that was toxic masculinity but how dare I expect men to accountability for responsibility - that’s just one of the privileges of being a male. and stop telling women when they get hurt by a man that they should of got a guy form thier family. You mean the same guy who was allowed to walk around in thier underwear while i had to fully dress in my home at 9 years of fucking age because my body attracted raped and his didn't or as i like to say it “ boys will be boys but girls should know better by knowing nothing at all” 

Listen I don't think the world would be better if men didn't exist. I don't think the world would be better if men were put under the social pressure of women . Im just dont exist in this society any more as hetero passing individual because i dont get along with it’s morals. im so fucking tired of watching women dying because “ a man has his needs...and his excuses “ and before the misandry parade comes put the cuffs again - i dont mind being a misandrist as much as i don't want to be a terf but again im not looking to get in fights with men. I honestly wish i was invisible to them since seeing me as anything as a female is so socially ingrained is impossible and understanding - im not even mad. make go back in the kitchen jokes, shit on my existence, make me play this doll for the sake of your “ cool girl because if i dont letyou hug me, if i show even a sign of resistance to your sexual banter or your anti feminist logic or your victim-shaming statements...im no longer an object of convenience...and i potentially become a another death statistics  and to the “ protect the boys” brigade aka the people who come screaming from/the corner of this hellsite like someone told your child santa doesn't exist when a woman says something like  “ you know i like getting dress up for other women I try not to think about men “ “ im not here for emotionally unavalible boys” “ I'm not here for men who don't want to fix themselves” ” I'm not worried about children and men “ ” I didn't find him interesting so i didn't give him a chance ” and then you mofos come of the fucking woodwork screaming like a motherfucking banshee  ” BOYS NEED LOVE ! IF YOU DONT WANNA FiX HIm HOW IS HE GOING TO GROW ?!” ” DONT SAY MEN ARE TRASH ! TOXIC MASCULINITY IS A RESULT OF HIM NOT BEING LOVE PROPERLY !” ” IGNORE THEM BOYS WE WONT LET THEM FORGET YOU “ * animal like screeching To you ; you dont care about men. You care about the status quo. You think if men become “ as emotional as fuhmales “ (because half of you don't see women as anything but her genitals ) that they will break down. you don't want men to make a connection between the idea that men need to sex in order to be valuable even if that means taking it and that anyone who take sex is a rapist because then men would have to be accountable for their actions. They would feel bad and you wouldn't want your favorite child to feel bad, after all if they feel bad they cant let loose and be the “ best version” of themselves- even if that version of themselves is a fucking dumpster fire. You want them to be the full end of this spectrum at the expense of your less favorite child ( women ). You might be someone who just, in general, have fed into the bullshit that woman are liars ( another concept that makes it easier for rape culture to be prevalent and strong ) and that men are calm, collective beings who are being neglected thanks to feminism and woman not focusing on them. you might think “ well logically if you only tell men they're trash they're going to be trash “ Ive been told i was a bitch , a fake, a slob( that is true. i am dirty af and i will not put on deordorant unless someone coming), pathetic and useless.  I decide one day that if i didnt like any of those things i would change it , becuase if i didnt like being those things that i needed to change them for me. I CHANGE WHEN I DIDNT LIKE MYSELF and before anyone says anything i have had depression and anxeity. i have been gaslighted and bully for years but at the end of the day my change didi not come from people cheering me up or tearing me down it came from ME being critical of myself nad my actions. And that’s why you “ what about the boys” people dont love men as much as you say you do . You're so afraid of them becoming something more than your baby boy being more than what you want, greater than what society has allow that you would rather make in a pacified monster than a human being. you guys hate men and i cannot stand any of you  to the young man who has  been discriminated against because you weren't born as a cis male  were raped by women and wasn't respected by either woman or men when you look for support  gritted your teeth and read through all my rambling you're valid. you worried about having your whole life ruined by false rape accusations or in general, you are generally afraid of adding to a woman’s concern when it comes to men. you dont like being around certain woman becuase you feel they are too touchy are they are the one who the moment you dont find them attractive and everyone includes other men invalidate you're right to not want to be touch. you fucking have to control your urge to gut punch every time you here the phrase “ men are trash “ becuase you understand the phrase isnt about you and some smart ass is like “ if its not about you why are you getting mad “. Like we all know why you're mad - but we know you're better than that.  I appreciate you questioning your friends on thier used of rape jokes and trying to implied that sexual assault doesn't exist becuase “ if the guy attracted females dont complain “ I think you're wonderful...but i want out  becuase my death is just another occurrence. being someone’s property as a child, wife or even friend means nothing now. my death is nothing different than throwing out an aluminum can. i no longer wonder if the person im talking to is capable of rape. i know longer wonder if ill makes it home safely. i know get angry about wanting to do things like move out on my own, be respected by men and not feel that my feelings are constantly being pacified like a battery operated doll who the owner is cooing to work.  I expect it. and when it doesn't happen i hold my breath and try to not think about tomorrow where ill pretty much have the bar set that low again. I expected to have my feelings band aid with “ well im sorry someone hurt you “ or “ youre apart of the problem thinking like that”. when something im uncomfortable with happens i dont go out in a rage but belitting my feelings as “ sensitive” or “ stop being a bitch “ roll off me.  Humankind is capable of amazing thing and i know change is possible...but i dont expect it anytime soon. ....I really just want out. its 2019 and women are still getting killed becuase of entitlement and the only ing most of you is complain that it happens to men too.....Im tired of pretending this society cares if i was murder right now. you only careif i fit the commodity of the day...I want out for i am so very tired