#Carers

[audley-and-cherry]

My least favorite things about anti- UBI discourse is always the techbros whining that "nobody is going to work anymore! People will just watch Netflix all day!" and I have 2 responses:

1) Who the fuck cares. Who the fuck cares what people do with their time! That's kind of the fucking point!

2) People aren't going to stop laboring. Housework (look, it's right there in the word!) will still need to be done. So will maintenance on our homes and personal spaces. Children will still need carers, as will the elderly and disabled. There are millions of examples of ~work~ that we do all the time, uncompensated, that won't suddenly stop because we aren't forced to sell our labor to provide corporation's profits.

I'm not surprised that what is traditionally women's work is invisible to these dipshits, but it never fails to anger me.

Anyway. Join the IWW.

[beranibear]

Y’all,

Imagine not moving for a carer when you see them helping someone in a wheelchair onto the train.

Me and BF got on the train today; the whole carriage was basically empty and there was a dude sitting in the seat in the wheelchair/mobility area. BF stood there for a bit and nothing.

He had the whole train, plenty of other nicer seats, and refused to move. My BF had to sit on the damn floor in the wheelchair area and risk being crushed by my chair.

We need to help carers look after their loved ones with disabilities. If you see someone helping out a disabled loved one give them space to work and care.

These spots are there for those people, or other people with disabilities. No one should be forced to sit on the floor so they can be near their loved one (and to help if needed).

Carers matter just as much as the mobility aids or disability devices a disabled person uses. If you don’t give them space to work, and don’t give them the empathy you give to me in my wheelchair then you obviously don’t realise how important carers are.

[tavyliasin]

Disability Pride Essays - Halsin, Carer Fatigue, and The End Of Healing's Path

Halsin might be one of the last characters you’d be thinking of with disability parallels and chronic conditions - he seems to be pretty well adjusted, arguably easily the most stable of the companions - but that’s where we find another couple of angles to the topic. First is around carers, and the potential for burnout when someone takes on the responsibility for the wellbeing of too many others. The second is more about how Halsin’s story can show us what recovery can look like much further down the line, the result of time, work, and healing. So there is a little mild mention of trauma, but nothing in depth, so whilst there is still a CW here for talk of mental health and healing, it shouldn't be as heavy as other topics. Still, know yourself and feel free to skip whatever you're not in the right place to read~ Your well-being matters. So I hope you’ll forgive me for this one being a little less direct than our other character examinations, but it’s still a topic well worth covering~ 

What is Halsin’s Disability?

When you look deeply and closely at Halsin’s character, and listen to the little throwaway lines he can drop so very casually, you’ll notice a couple of things. First, he talks very casually about an incident that sounds intensely traumatic - years of being held captive by drow - but in a way that suggests, along with his actions, that he’s no longer struggling with the impact of this trauma but has come to accept it. There’s another aspect, too, that we see in the romance scene where he struggles with intense emotions physically transforming him into a bear. Now, this is obviously not a real disability that we see in the real world, but plenty of people do struggle with overwhelming emotions that can leave them feeling like someone different or unable to communicate in the ways they normally would. Beyond this, we see a carer. Someone whose instinct is to support, listen, and quite simply help in any way he can. When we first meet him, he’s very quick to offer his aid in dealing with the tadpoles even if he doesn’t have the solution yet. Halsin simply wants to do everything he can, because he can. 

How Do We See The Disability In The Game?

The bear transformation is something we only really see happening without his choosing to in the romance scene, though at this point I’m almost certain that those of you who haven’t romanced him have encountered the scene somewhere by now. It’s one of the most famous scenes for how unexpected it is, and has been in plenty of promotional materials at this point. Arguably what we see most from Halsin through the game is in his interactions with others, and also if he’s Orin’s victim the things she says in his form are instantly gut-wrenching - talking about being held captive, tortured into losing control, harming innocents - these are easily what we can interpret to be Halsin’s worst fears about himself. Things he keeps well controlled and very carefully in check, with his instinct being to help not harm, although we know it isn’t Halsin, there’s a moment where it’s believable. Painful. And it works because it can reflect the real fears that people who have worked hard on their mental health can have about having a bad day and saying or doing things they would never consciously choose.

How Does This Reflect Real Life?

The thing I keep coming back to as I think about Halsin and his story is how he is similar to Astarion in some ways, which might well entirely be some heavy personal projection going on I’ll admit that one! But where Astarion shows us the early stages of recovery, of trauma still fresh and the difficulties of healing from it, Halsin shows us later stages. There’s more time that has passed, more work that has been done within himself and outside of himself. As a result Halsin has come to that point where he accepts the things that he has endured, even if they are still painful and he doesn’t approve of them, and they are no longer impacting his day to day life. Arguably we see this most clearly when he is quite happy to join in at the brothel with the Drow, despite his past experiences. Now, all that said, there is a point that can be made that someone who talks too casually about their past trauma might not have processed it in the best way, but for the most part what we have is someone who seems to be coping well in their day to day. It’s quite relatable, to see both the earlier stages of healing and those later ones, and comparing them can be helpful to see how far we have come in ourselves as well as the potential place we could be if we keep going. Otherwise, what we have in Halsin is the closest thing Faerun has to a therapist and/or carer. Whilst leadership isn’t his aim entirely, it’s a role he naturally falls into because he has that calm and understanding presence that many around him respect. Arguably, leadership isn’t good for him either - not because he’s bad at it, but because like many who fall into a caring role for the people around them, he doesn’t know when to stop. That’s the thing with caring, you don’t want to say “no, sorry, I can’t help you” even if you’re running on empty. But eventually there has to be a limit, for your own well-being. Just this morning I came across a meme that fits perfectly: “You can’t pour from an empty cup” doesn’t entirely work, because all you get from that is nothing. “You can’t boil and empty kettle” is far more accurate, because not only do you risk damaging the kettle if you keep trying to boil it whilst empty, if you really push it you might just set the whole kitchen on fire.

And this, really, is what we have going on in the Grove in Act 1. Not only is Halsin trying to lead and protect the druids, but he’s also taking in the Tiefling refugees, then going out after the goblins to investigate and protect everyone. He’s stretched himself too thin, not asked for help when it is needed, and as a result we have a Grove in chaos with nobody to prevent the conflicts from escalating between druids and Tieflings, Halsin himself captured, and the goblins now know the way to the Grove to stage an all out attack if the druids don’t perform a forbidden rite first. It’s a mess, and one he has landed in by trying to lead from the front with his fingers in too many pies, but when you do that too much you won’t know which fingers have gravy on and which have custard any more. Maybe that’s a very silly analogy, but good gods did I realise that I’ve been far too close to this myself with taking on too many projects. Luckily I usually know where the line is before ending up in captivity in a goblin castle, but if you’re also reading this and feeling like it’s getting a bit close to home: take a break before you burn down the kitchen. 

Therapy and Therapists

When we look at Halsin as a therapist-like character, which admittedly may come more from the fan created content than the game, there’s plenty there that reflects life. There are a good number of people who go into therapy and care professions because they have direct experience with mental and physical health difficulties. There is a reason why all therapists also see a therapist themselves to cope with their work, and whilst it isn’t universal there is a reasonable venn diagram of people who have felt the same over this. To borrow from my own prior essays, “to truly understand suffering is to avoid being its cause”. Those who have felt harm will often seek to reduce it in others. It’s almost a shame that we don’t get to explore this much further, with how he can easily be a healing and stabilising presence for many of the companions, but that’s where fan works can come in and build on that foundation. I admit I often find myself thinking about how Halsin might use his experience and deep capacity for care to work with each and every one of the companions to help them heal from their own wounds. That, in itself, can be cathartic and soothing. I highly recommend it.

Taking On Too Many Burdens

So that downside of being a carer… I’ve already covered some of this, but we are very close to having a burned out Archdruid crumbling under the immense pressure in Act 1, then we go straight in to Act 2 where he has to face the consequences of past mistakes and all of the guilt that goes along with that. It’s clear he has not forgiven himself for what happened with the Shadow Curse, Thaniel, and Shar’s influence spreading over the region. This can sometimes be seen in real life, too, where someone has tried to help and made things worse, given bad advice, or generally made mistakes that they quietly hold on to for decades. Forgiving ourselves is hard, even when we rationalise it, look at it objectively to know we were young and didn’t know any better, or didn’t have the experience needed to help in the way we would now. But I want to take a moment to remind everyone still here that we are only human, not perfect, not infallible. Mistakes are how we learn, and we should focus on what we can do rather than what we cannot change. In Halsin’s story, we know he has been avoiding the Shadow Curse. He even tells the player that the land should be avoided if at all possible, because he knows the danger there, but still offers to be a guide. It’s difficult to face up to past mistakes, but with the right help and support, Halsin is able to find a way to help at last and ease that burden from his own heart. He’s no longer turning away, running from it, or feeling like there’s nothing he can do - instead he is able to find that solution with the help of the player and companions, healing the land as he heals himself. This really can be such a reflection of trauma and how we handle our mistakes, as well as the importance of knowing when we have taken on too much and need help and support. Just as Halsin asks the player to help him find a way to break the curse, to fight for him to keep the portal open as he retrieves Thaniel, we can see this as a parallel to a carer asking for help or respite care. It’s not saying “this is a terrible burden that I don’t want to bear” but instead “my strength has a limit, your help will make it possible to keep going”. With that support, with being able to know the Harpers can take care of the refugees, Halsin is able to find not only the healing for the land but begin to heal the hurt from the weight of responsibility he has shouldered alone for centuries. And just as a side note here, for those wondering why he seems so guilty about it all, there’s some lore from Early Access that was eventually cut from the game that explains he was the cause of the curse when he accidentally killed Isobel - that set off the sequence of events leading to Ketheric’s desperate actions, Aylin’s imprisonment, and Shar’s curse settling over the land. 

The End of the Path of Healing

Act 3 for Halsin, if the curse has been lifted, really continues to reinforce that this is someone who has learned from his mistakes - both the recent and the distant past. He’s not rushing back to take over the Grove again once his work is done with the Elder Brain, instead he’s finding a new path. One that still allows him to be in nature where he wishes to be, helping the cursed lands continue to heal, as well as caring for the refugees and others who need a place to go. In the epilogue, too, it sounds as if he has learned not to take on all the responsibility himself either, instead sharing the work of caring for his people so that if he is gone for a few days he doesn’t need to worry about it crumbling apart or falling to friction and arguments like the Grove once did under Kagha’s leadership. Halsin shows us that although we cannot take on everything ourselves, we can resolve things when we have the right help and support. He also shows us that our mistakes won’t always define us, nor can our traumas, and although they cannot be erased or undone, there are ways we can reconcile them with ourselves. To move forwards with what we have learned and reach a point where we are no longer so deeply haunted by them.

What We Can Learn From Halsin’s Story

There are a few things we can learn from Halsin’s experiences and how they are portrayed in the game, and largely they serve as an example of that later stage of healing and reconciling past experiences with the present self. This might for some feel like a reflection of themselves now, but for others instead it can be an example that it is possible to make that progress and reach that goal.

Whilst we do see that moment of Halsin not being able to control his Wild Shape in the heat of intense emotions (in this case, lust and passion), it’s also shown that he still does have that control. That he’s learned how to handle that change and bring himself back to where he wants to be - in this case, going from non-verbal in bear form to resuming his usual body shape and calming himself. I feel like this can serve as a good example that although our emotions might still have moments that they overwhelm us, once we have taken that time to process them and learn how to cope with them, we can use those techniques to bring ourselves back to where we want to be. Not easily, of course, but we won’t always be completely at the mercy of the whims of powerful emotions. They’re still there, but what has changed is how we cope with them. Really what I’d like to take away today is that caring for others is a good and positive thing to do, but there must always be a limit. Drawing that line is going to be tough, naturally, but if we continue to try to do too much with caring for others we risk neglecting our own needs and ending up in a much worse place. It’s alright to ask for support even when you’re providing it to someone else, whether through a professional career or through a more casual role of being a carer for a loved one or simply supporting friends through hard times. You won’t always be able to do it all alone, and this is not a failing. It’s normal and reasonable to need respite, help, and support of your own. In the wider experiences of disability, many of us who are disabled learn this the hard way, that we might want independence but there are quite solid limitations to that which need to be worked with and around instead of fighting against them and making things worse. Many of us rely on carers and support to differing degrees, so it is also important to recognise when they may need reminding about not boiling that empty kettle.

So as we finish off this last of the planned long pieces, I encourage you all to keep in mind that healing is possible. That you can be a support to others in the ways that you once needed yourself. But to not let it be to your own detriment, you are still worthy of care and support even as you provide it to others. 

[ineffectualdemon]

Hey I know this will piss off other disabled people but you gotta check in with your carers

Disclaimer I wish wasn't necessary: this is in regards to carers who are caring for you properly not someone labeled a carer who doesn't actually see to your care. Nor am I talking about carers who you hire for the job. I'm talking about things like partners, children, etc who are carers as well

No you're not some awful burden to them but it is hard being a carer and they get burnt out. Everything that you go through with struggling with your health also stresses them out in a different way. Because it's stressful to see someone you love in pain

They need days off and a space to say "I'm really struggling right now" or "I'm really stressed out"

They need you to tell them that it's okay to take some time for their own needs. They need time to rest

They need respite

They need someone to tell them it's okay to say no or ask for help

Care about your carers. They need support too

[changing-my-username]

"You will get 56p more than minimum wage"

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

I hate where I’m living. I can’t take it. The staff are all so intimidating and I get told off for seemingly everything I do and I feel as if they all hate me or something. I’m told this is me being silly and irrational and maybe it is but I still don’t know how to cope.

I’ve seen stuff from people saying how good a relationship they have with their carers. It makes me so sad. My experience is the opposite. I don’t think my carers want to be carers because they just talk about the money they’re earning and when they can next have time off. I think they’re just doing it for the money. Or maybe I’m the problem. I’m probably really annoying to be with.

Also I’ve ended up doing too many things. Volunteer gardening twice a week, going to a folk dance society once a week (I signed up 2 months ago and the first session was last night), choir (I just said yes to resuming my scholarship with them and starting preparation for a music exam I’ve kind of wanted to be able to do for years although I don’t know why, I kind of just want to do it…), agreeing to produce artwork for a museum and I’ve got academic courses starting in October. I need to cut down. I don’t know what to cut down on because I like these things individually (actually I’m not sure I enjoy art anymore but it’s one of the few things I’m confident at and I don’t want to let down the curator who asked for it) and maybe it’s good to be busy but also I’m so stressed and tired and no wonder my pain is getting worse.

I’ve gone from having nothing on and being desperate for things to fill time and be distracted by to having way too much happening at once.

[ishouldbeoverfanficsbynow]

The propaganda of care being unskilled work has seriously fucked over both carers and those they care for

[grits-galraisedinthesouth]

The Royal Standard 🤗

[tea-puf]

If you are undiagnosed but sincerely think you are disabled after doing all the research and stuff I love and support you.

If you are diagnosed I love and support you.

If you are a carer who actually cares and doesn’t just want clout I love and support you.

[dreamdropsystemarchive]

Sky and Allison

two amazing carers.

Sky is a unicorn shapeshifter.

Allison is a cyclops doll.

[mixedupmilly]

Supporting Disabled Persons Beyond 9-5: A Call for Equitable Care

Despite my disability, my life is not confined to a rigid 9 to 5 schedule. I lead a social life that extends far beyond those hours, and it is crucial for my overall well-being. Imagine being confined to a 5 pm curfew every day – it would be suffocating and incredibly frustrating. I want to make it clear that having a disability does not equate to a dull and monotonous existence. I refuse to let…

[generateawareness]

Find a caring professional that you will absolutely love

Your one-stop online platform for finding qualified and insured carers across the UK. We've streamlined the process of matching care-seeking clients with experienced healthcare professionals, ensuring a smooth, efficient, and effective service.

[sideshowkaz]

I want to tell my mother that she was the one who chose me to care for her. She chose the shut in life for me where I had to be constantly supervised because she was afraid of what would happen to me. She chose to let the kids at church bully me because they were normal and rich and not like me. She chose to limit where I went when I could leave the house so I couldn’t meet friends and couldn’t go anywhere without friends I had no chance of meeting because I couldn’t go anywhere. She chose to turn a blind eye to much of the family arguments and put me in a horrible position when I was in those arguments. She chose to believe in a church that has in its name that it believes in the last days and they are right around the corner. She chose not to get my brother and sister therapy after they had to deal with a disabled sibling and two disabled parents. She decided not to get help from social services when my parents were struggling. She chose to go overboard and take and keep control of my finances for so much longer instead of tell me where to go for help and then hand everything back to me so I had to fight for years to get back my freedom. She chose over and over again to keep me in the house instead of let me go somewhere. She chose over and over again to get in the way whenever I tried to do something else. She chose to make it very difficult every time I tried to get us help. She chose to teach me to cook like I had the sight and smell i didn’t have.

She chose me to care for her. She held me back and gave me no other choice and now she’s feeling sick and on her last legs she’s irritated at me for not being good enough. She picked the child that’s not good enough. Now she’s got to live with it.

[kindnessisstillhere]

Carer

I can't specify this role,

And I completely can,

Couldn't say what it is,

But know it in weird detail.

My mother is a carer,

Yet I avoid being hers.

A carer is a contradiction to me,

As I've seen someone push,

Seen them take too much on,

Been the family forgotten in it,

And the one used as emotional support,

Punching bag more like,

Not physically but all the complaints.

So carer is a contradiction,

Someone great to those distant

But horrible to be close with.

It's probably the exhaustion.