#Cathy for obvious reasons

[aphmau-prompts]

FCU, but with vampires.

[adamcoled]

jealousy | rhea ripley

rhea ripley x fem!reader

summary: you and rhea aren’t anything official, but you’re still jealous upon seeing her flirt with others. 

word count: 3,838

warnings: just slight sexual implications i think?

a/n: WOW um okay hi, i haven’t posted writing on this blog in YEARS but i recently got fully back into wrestling and have developed such a love for rhea ripley. so i decided to start writing again, but it’s been so long this definitely isn’t my best work. here’s to getting back into the swing of things i hope! (also i know samantha is engaged to ricochet and ofc all of it is just character work, but it made for a good plot soo)

Rhea was a flirt. That much was true long before you, and it was certainly not a secret to most. She had the charm, and of course the looks, so people were naturally drawn to her, and she loved that. Flirting, to her, was fun – harmless fun, for the most part – and typically it never went beyond cheeky comments or tantalizing gestures.

So when Rhea began flirting with you, initially you didn’t think much of it and really had no reason to. She was attractive – incredibly attractive – and her voice could melt you instantly if you let it; but this was just her thing. At first, you would catch her staring at you backstage or at other company events. Then, she started making it a point to tell you how beautiful you looked each time she saw you. From there, you were texting a lot more and hanging out outside of schedule. But still, it was never anything official and they were never labeled as “dates,” which you internally hated yourself for forgetting.

Because now, you were jealous. A fiery red jealousy that had you feeling betrayed without the entitlement to do so. For some reason, you thought things seemed different between you and Rhea. She seemed more serious and attentive, even remembering small details you’d told her about things you enjoyed. You couldn’t imagine she did that for just anyone she happened to flirt with.

Yet there you were last night, scrolling through Twitter and seeing endless posts about Rhea and Samantha. Rhea was being her usual flirty self, smiling, blowing kisses, and surely winking beneath those glasses, and it was obvious Samantha was enjoying it. Even worse, there were also comment threads with Cathy, and you knew it was all lighthearted, but it still made you feel some type of way.

You liked Rhea. A lot actually. Maybe that’s why you wanted to believe she liked you too and treated you differently from the rest. Clearly, you were wrong. And you weren’t going to be strung along in a game or play along with silly flirting when you genuinely hoped for more with her. That’s why now that she was here in front of you, you were going to be as indifferent as possible.

“Hey pretty girl,” Rhea greeted, smile beaming as always. She had finally found you backstage after you’d made it a point to not respond to some of her texts. It didn’t seem like she was too upset or phased by that judging by the greeting she’d given you.

“Hey,” you responded with only a half-smile of your own. That was something she definitely picked up on, because you swore you’d never seen her face fall faster.

“Are you alright?”

“Hm?” you hummed, dropping your attention back to your phone. Usually, she would have your full focus, but you were making every attempt to emphasize your feigned disinterest. “I’m fine, what’s up?” 

Rhea used her thumb and forefinger to grip your chin and tilt it upwards, forcing your gaze towards her rather than your phone screen. Hastily, she studied your face as if she would be able to read your thoughts merely by doing so; with her eyes looking you over so intently, you felt your face heating up quickly. 

“You seem off,” she finally commented, her finger tracing along your jawline from your chin before finally dropping back down to her side. You immediately missed the feeling of her touch against your skin, but that was something you would have to subdue. One thing you noticed was that Rhea seemed genuinely concerned, her eyebrows downturned and the smile she always wore - around you at least - nowhere in sight. 

“No, Rhea, I’m really okay,” you shrugged. 

“Then why are you acting like you can’t wait to get away from me?” 

Her bluntness shouldn’t have come as a shock to you, but you were still taken aback when she asked so outright. While she usually oozed confidence, that seemed to be lost now. And it almost made you think you had been right about the two of you all along. But then you remembered how content she looked in those videos with Samantha, and how easily she could flirt with someone else when you had secretly been turning down advances in hopes there would be a real chance at a relationship between you and Rhea. 

“I’m not acting like that. I really don’t care if you’re around or not,” you lied, and it was meant to sound nonchalant and unbothered but you silently cursed yourself for making it come out more aggressively. 

“You don’t care?” she repeated incredulously, almost in disbelief of how drastically you changed. Just a few days ago, you were telling her how much you adored her smile with her head in your lap. Now, she couldn’t figure out why you wanted nothing to do with her - and it was crushing her. 

“Listen, can we please talk about this later? The show’s about to start and the Judgment Day is up first, I don’t want you thinking about this out there.” 

“Are we really gonna talk later?” Rhea questioned. “Or is that your cop out to avoid it altogether?”

And you hated her for knowing you so well, because it was partially your dread of the conversation. Still, you didn’t think it was a good idea to have it right before she was slated to go speak in front of thousands of people. At this point, she was frowning, yet still staring right through you. 

“We’ll talk,” you promised.

“I have your word? Whatever’s going on is important to me. It really is, Y/N.” 

The resolve of indifference you had was all but faded upon hearing how sincerely Rhea cared. You didn’t want to be just another game for her, but it was proving far too difficult for you to ignore your internal feelings. And she looked too pretty standing there, worried about you and looking at you in a way that made you feel naked beneath her eyes. Not in a sexually demanding way - not in the way too many people do - but in a way where you felt like she saw your very soul. 

“Find me after the show?” you asked. “I’ll let you take me back to the hotel. Can’t exactly hide from my ride.” 

You finally smiled wholeheartedly after making that joke, and Rhea had never been so happy to see a smile before. For a moment, she felt like everything was fine. 

“Yeah, I’ll find you, angel.”

-

From backstage, you watched as Rhea walked out with the Judgment Day and cut a promo just as good as any other, if not better. It was impossible to tell the kind of conversation you two had shortly beforehand, and for that you were grateful. You weren’t sure you could remain as unphased as her, and seeing as you had a match tonight as well, you made it a point to avoid any further interactions with her during show hours. Busying yourself with your phone, Rhea still found a way to affect you when you saw her name flash across the top of your screen, indicating a text. 

From: rhea :) 

Good luck tonight ❤️

Half inclined to simply leave her on delivered, you hesitantly opened it and sent back a “thanks.” Following the Judgment Day’s segment, the rest of the show seemed to go by quickly, your own match fast approaching. While you were waiting in gorilla to make your entrance, you saw flashes of jet black hair out of the corner of your eye. A subtle glance over revealed it to be Rhea, naturally, standing there talking with Damian. Call it coincidence, or - the more likely case - call it Rhea’s tendency to be methodical with her actions. And like clockwork, her eyes met your own, leaving you no time to look away before she was grinning at you slyly. You thought perhaps her getting into character in front of the WWE Universe took away much of the previous unease and disappointment she felt during your earlier conversation. Because before, she seemed well and truly worried about the state of you, and you were sure she still was to some extent, but now her confidence had returned. 

You had hardly any time to process it before you had to walk out, your theme hitting just as Rhea set her focus back on the man in front of her. That stupid, beautiful smile you thought to yourself. Right now, though, you needed to worry about your match against Zoey Stark, especially since you knew Rhea would be watching attentively. 

Once the match began, you fell right back into your element. Zoey was a fierce opponent, but you had a fire beneath you and after a well-fought match on both sides, you came out victorious. You were feeling extremely proud of both yours and Zoey’s performance and partially hoped Rhea had watched the whole thing.

(She absolutely did). 

Returning backstage, you noticed Rhea was now nowhere in sight. Your match was towards the last hour of Raw, however, which meant you wouldn’t have much time to kill before you’d have to meet up with her anyways. Thankfully, you found Liv, one of your closest friends on the roster, and knew you could spend the remaining time talking with her about anything and everything - the primary topic of discussion being you and Rhea.

“It’s just like, I think things are different with me and her,” you began, to which Liv nodded in agreement. “But then I see how she acts with other people, and I’m not so sure. Am I being delusional for thinking that way?” 

“You’d be delusional if you thought otherwise! The girl is a flirt, sure, but she practically fawns over you at any given moment and is always asking about you,” Liv countered. All too often, she’d be the one Rhea would come to when she wanted to find out your whereabouts, as if Liv had a constant read on you at all times. You knew that to be true, but it still wasn’t total reassurance.

“You’re right, I guess. And I kinda told her I’d ride with her to the hotel so we could talk, sooo,” you revealed.

“I thought we were riding together?” Liv questioned, only slightly upset to be losing her driving buddy. If she had to make that sacrifice to advance things between you and Rhea, she’d accept it wholeheartedly. Just as you opened your mouth to apologize, someone else’s voice interrupted. A certain Australian accent. 

“I’m sorry, did I steal Y/N away for the night?” Rhea quipped, placing her hand on the small of your back where Liv wouldn’t see. 

“Actually, I’m willingly handing her over so that you two can figure your mess out.” 

“Well, thank you so very much for that,” Rhea smiled, seeming genuinely appreciative. She redirected her attention from Liv to you. “Told you I’d find ya. You ready to go?” 

You glanced down at your phone, not even realizing how much time had passed with you and Liv chatting. The show was nearing the end, and Rhea already had her bag by her side, meanwhile you hadn’t even gotten your stuff together yet.

“I gotta go get my stuff real quick. You wanna wait here for me? I’ll be quick.”

“I can wait,” Rhea nodded, to which you took off with a promise to be no more than ten minutes. Once you were out of earshot, Liv had a few comments for the taller, raven-haired woman.

“I hope you do right by her.”

“Didn’t realize I’d done wrong,” Rhea retorted, confusedly. “...Have I done wrong?” 

Liv only shrugged, though she really did believe Rhea was unaware of how she’d unintentionally hurt you. “Nothing that can’t be fixed, I think.” 

“Liv,” Rhea started, her face becoming more serious. “I really like her.” 

“Then make sure she knows that.” 

- 

When you gathered everything and found your way back to Rhea, Liv was long gone and Rhea was leaned against the wall, her eyes shifted down and transfixed on her phone as she absentmindedly scrolled through Twitter. She looked too good even just standing there in her own world. But before you could admire her for much longer, she heard you approaching and glanced up from her phone, shoving it into her pocket immediately upon realizing it was you.

“Ready now, princess?”

The nickname rolled off her tongue so easily, yet it had your cheeks heating up within seconds. You nodded, following behind as she led the way to her car. Outside, she popped the trunk for each of you to toss your bags inside, and then she made sure to open the passenger door for you as well; it was the little gestures like that that made your heart flutter and your feelings for her to grow even stronger. 

“Well, I just wanna start by saying you were amazing tonight,” Rhea complimented once she had settled into the driver’s seat. 

“Thank you,” you giggled. “You watched it?” 

“From start to finish, like always.”

She diverted her attention from the road towards you for a moment, taking notice of how much your face lit up after hearing that. And it wasn’t like she was lying just to make you feel good, either, because she did genuinely watch you each time you stepped into the ring, and she admired you heavily. 

“I don’t believe you,” you laughed, although you only slightly meant that. 

“I’m serious! Ask Damian or Dom, they’ll vouch,” Rhea exclaimed, pushing her hair back as she did. You weren’t quite sure what to say now, because one, you were feeling quite flustered knowing this, and two, you could only ignore the real reason you were sat in her car for so long. She took note of your silence and decided to tackle the subject head-on, a brazen move from her as always. “You don’t seem like you hate my guts now, at least.” 

You rolled your eyes and chuckled at this. 

“You’re being dramatic. I never acted like I hated you.” 

“Slightly detested my presence?” she tried again, clearly joking at this point. While things seemed so perfect in this moment, you couldn’t help but think back to everything you’d seen flooding your Twitter timeline and how silly you’d felt for being so upset by it. As much as you liked Rhea, as much as it appeared she liked you, the harmless flirting had really gotten to you and forced you to reconsider much of what you thought. You weren’t even quite sure how to ask everything you wanted to ask, and you were admittedly fearful of rejection. But the only thing worse than rejection is never knowing. 

“What do you think about me, Rhea?” 

She was taken aback by this, you could tell, because she opened her mouth to speak several times but didn’t let any words out. To her, it was because she didn’t really know how to put it into words; there were so many things she thought about you, so many ways you made her feel, but it had been a confusing thing for her to navigate, unsure of your own feelings.

“I think you’re incredible, amazing in the ring, beautiful and kind but still assertive and badass,” she answered, hoping she’d said all the right things. Truthfully, that was only a small fraction of what she thought regarding you, but she was still holding back. Liv’s words repeated in her head, and she knew if she didn’t make it clear tonight, she may never get that chance again. 

“And what do you think about someone like Samantha, or Cathy?” 

You had caught her off guard again, the randomness of your question completely perplexing her. She hadn’t a clue why either of those two would be relevant, because - in her eyes - she had already basically forgotten the silly interactions they’d had. It still hadn’t pieced together in her mind that you were even the slightest bit jealous. 

“They’re great,” she stated plainly. “Why?”

It was really now or never, you felt like. You had fed her pieces of the story, now she definitely wouldn’t stop until you told her everything, which undoubtedly included your own feelings. Rhea was focused primarily on the road, but she made sure to spare glances your way every so often, and each time you arrived at a red light, that focus was solely on you. She wanted to both try to read your expression and show you she was really, truly listening and wanting to hear what you had to say.

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous,” you confessed.

“Jealous?” she repeated, even more confused now than before. But she noticed the way you retreated into yourself, suddenly finding more interest in your fingers. You could no longer look her in the eye, feeling nervous about the information you’d now divulged. This certainly didn’t deter Rhea, though, as she placed her right hand on your thigh and traced light circles with her thumb. “Why were you jealous?”

“I don’t know…it was dumb, I guess. I just saw the videos of you and Samantha, and then Cathy’s Tweets, and it made me feel like everything is just a game to you.” 

Her thumb movement stopped, and instead she squeezed your thigh lightly, causing you to lift your head back up to look at her. She was already looking right back, admiring how beautiful you looked with the moonlight creeping into the car and a shyness about you she wasn’t used to. 

“You’re right, that is dumb,” she affirmed. “Because do you think I know Samantha or Cathy’s top three favorite movies? Or their specific Starbucks order? The way they like their pizza? Do you think I’ve memorized all those things for anyone other than you?” 

Before you could answer, Rhea moved her fingers to your wrist and asked you to push up your sleeve, which you did. She tapped directly on a birthmark of yours without even looking. 

“Do you think I know each of their freckles and birthmarks?” 

You were dumbfounded, at a loss for words with how much she really noticed about you. And that was only scratching the surface. While your flirtation had only started within the last few months, she had known you for years and had plenty of time to take notice of all these little things no one else would. Because she always had a soft spot for you, but you were in a long-term relationship for most of the time you’d known her, and she would never be one to overstep any boundaries. 

“I just felt hurt thinking I may be falling for someone who only sees me as another person to mess around with,” you told her, taking note of how gentle her eyes were in this moment. She felt awful that she had hurt you, even unintentionally, and cursed herself for not being more aware and mindful. You weren’t committed to each other, but she still felt like she had made a mistake engaging in any kind of behavior that would make her feelings for you seem misguided. 

“Y/N, I promise you how I interact with just about anyone else is entirely me in character,” she comforted. “I’m sorry for making you second guess that, but I’ve never felt realer emotions than I do with you. It’s like I can be me, just me. And I love that you make me feel that way.”

“I love when you’re just you, Rhea.” 

“Then I’ll keep being just me, if I can start calling you just mine.” 

Rhea was undoubtedly nervous asking you so boldly, but she was so damn happy to do so. She was staring at you hopefully, looking happier than you’d seen her since her WrestleMania win. And you were just as happy, not even realizing you had gotten to the hotel and had been parked for a minute or two now. Your entire focus was on her, eyes filled with adoration while she waited for your answer.

“I’ve basically been yours, I just needed you to be mine,” you beamed. 

“I’m yours, love,” Rhea affirmed. “You are so damn beautiful.” 

You wanted to instinctively look away, still feeling flustered even after the months of flirting and now technically being in a defined relationship. But Rhea knew you too well and gripped your chin before you could do so, keeping your face towards hers. Neither of you could get rid of the smiles you wore, too overwhelmed with happiness and adoration and love. 

“Can I kiss you?” Rhea asked, eyes darting from your own to your lips. You nodded, and that was all it took for her to be all over you. Her lips melted into your own, and everything felt so right. Each time you pulled away, you were reconnected within seconds, physically unable to keep apart, both of you awaiting this moment for too long. You felt her smiling into the kiss, which in turn made you smile, and then you were two smiling, giggly messes. Finally, she pulled away for good (but not without one final peck) and laughed when she saw you pouting. She opened her door and made her way to yours hastily, scooping you out of your seat before you could even react. Then, you were pinned against the car with your legs around her waist. 

“I’ll take you to your room?” she offered, placing feathery kisses along your jaw. 

“My room?” 

She laughed at how offended you sounded. “Our room?”

“Mhmm,” you confirmed. “You’re not getting away from me now, Ripley.”

You unhooked your legs from her waist and she carefully released her hold, allowing you to plant your feet back onto the solid ground. She followed you to the back of the car, popping open the trunk; you leaned forward to reach your bag, and Rhea - sly as ever - took this opportunity to smack your ass, only light enough to be a tease. Once you’d grabbed your bag and stood straight up, she was smirking, all too aware of her actions. 

“Now why would I want to get away from you, baby?” 

From then on, you both knew you’d be stuck with each other, practically inseparable and surely obnoxiously in love around all your friends - which they didn’t really mind, because seeing you so happy together was more than worth it. Rhea made sure to tone down her persona a bit out of respect for you, even though you reassured her you didn’t mind too much now knowing she was yours at the end of the day. Still, you couldn’t deny that you were more elated to scroll through your socials and see videos of interactions between you and Rhea rather than her and anyone else; and it definitely helped that she loved letting the cameras know you were hers.

[pumpkinsy0]

bi pony hcs!!!

bi pony truthers wya

•ill say he has more of a male lean but it doesnt come OFF as romantic, more like an admiration

•he did think he was gay at some point for a bit bc he would only have interest in dudes, but turns out, he does like girls, thing was he just didnt meet a girl he personally liked romantically enough at that time

•he did have moments of doubt about being gay tho, w some girls in school he would have tiny crushes on em but he thought that wasnt rlly enough???? to say that he LIKED like girls, he didnt wanna “jump the shark” so he just thought he was gay

•i will always bring up jfk being his first guy celebrity crush its so funny to me

•first girl crush we can say is marilyn monroe but first girl crush on someone like he knew personally, we can say cathy, y not

•if not cathy and u were feelin a lil frisky, it could b angela, y not, but it wasnt like a “WOW I WANNA DATE HER!!!!” thing like a “shes really pretty” and he thinks about her here n there and maybe blushes a bjt, but it never goes farther than that, its a small crush he doesnt rlly think about often anymore, he will NEVER admit it, especially to curly (for obvious reasons, hes takin that to the grave)

•the shirt pony was wearing was like a lavender shirt and lavender has constantly been used for lgbt resistance, and i feel like pony will always think about that a lot, like a “damn so i rlly did look kinda gay” thing, lmao

•curly would use queer both as an insult but also to describe himself and pony picked up doing the same, USING IT TO DESCRIBE HIMSELF, not using it as an insult😭😭

•pony doesnt feel romantic attraction the way that others do, ig u could say hes aromantic??? or something along the lines, but eh, thats up to u, ANYWAYS, it was curly who fell first, it takes a while for pony to develop feelings but w curly his emotions can just form when he sees u, love at first sight could happen w to him, POINT IS, ponys feelings for curly came WAYYYY later let that b known

•ok look,,, if we rlly wanna get into the 60s, i think pony thinking that hes gay scared him more than him finding out he was bi, bc he could “really hide that he was gay and didnt have to force himself into a marriage”

•the way he saw it was that if he was gay, he’d have to push himself into a straight relationship, but when he found out he was bi, he felt like he could actually find a girl and have a girl he has a genuine romantic connection w and have a “real marriage”, so that relieved him

•that all fell apart once he gets w curly tho LMAOOOO

[creature-wizard]

hi!! i saw ur take on DID programming being a conspiracy theory, and i'd like a further elaboration if that's fine with you. i'm just curious and a bit confused, since i've met numerous systems claiming to be victims of programming

Sure! It's kind of a long story, but I'll try and summarize things as best as I can.

So, back in the early 20th century, mystical types were looking at hypnosis, trancework, and even drugs as a way to retrieve memories of past lives. The idea that you could retrieve lost memories made it way into ufology communities, where people tried to remember alien abductions. It also got into actual psychology, with therapists attempting to help patients retrieve lost early life memories. There was never any real evidence that these practices actually worked the way these people thought they did, and today we know that you can get people to confabulate memories of just about anything under the right circumstances. (If you need evidence, I can show you some very obvious examples here and here.)

In the 1950s, Dr. Cornelia Wilbur started treating her patient Shirley Mason for seeming DID. (Which, Mason did not actually have.) Dr. Wilbur was extremely irresponsible and unprofessional in general, and very notably gave Mason sodium pentathol to help her remember. (Yikes!) Dr. Wilbur would push the baseless myth that DID could only be caused by severe childhood abuse, and push drugs and hypnosis as methods for finding said abuse if the patients didn't seem to remember it. The 1973 book Sybil was based on Wilbur and Mason.

In the 1970s, radio host, notorious prankster, and platformer of weird fringe content Long John Nebel apparently started using hypnosis on his wife, Candy Jones to try and figure out the reason for her mental health issues. Supposedly, he helped her "remember" being a CIA agent, whose alter Arlene had been trained as a spy. The 1976 book The Control of Candy Jones describes what they supposedly uncovered. Also, here's an article that talks about some of their claims, and the context around what happened.

Also in the 1970s, Dr. Lawrence Pazder (who was inspired by Sybil) attempted to find the source of his patient Michelle Smith's issues by helping her remember supposedly lost memories. Under his coaching, Smith "remembered" being abused by a Satanic cult. They didn't use hypnosis as most of us know it, but Smith was putting herself into a kind of trance. Now like, this whole book is extremely discredited. They made a lot of claims that were very easy to check, and each time somebody checked said claims, it turned out they were full of shit. Like just for one example, her school yearbook picture from the year she was supposedly being tortured by the cult doesn't show any sign of the abuses she claims she was suffering, which would have been very, very obvious.

Then in 1988, Mark Philips used hypnosis on Cathy O'Brien to help her "remember" being a mind-controlled slave for the New World Order under the CIA program Project Monarch. They published what O'Brien supposedly remembered in the 1995 book Trance-Formation of America. O'Brien claimed that she and her daughter were tortured to induce DID, with the alters being programmed to carry out specific tasks for the CIA/NWO. The whole thing was an extremely racist crock of pure conspiracy theory bullshit; it claimed, for example, that the NWO was letting Mexicans ruin America and shipping white women off to Saudi Arabia as sex slaves.

In 1994, Fritz Springmeier used hypnosis on Cisco Wheeler to supposedly uncover her memories as a member of the NWO/Illuminati. In their three books published across the mid to late 90's, Springmeier and Wheeler gave an incredibly elaborate narrative around alter programming, incorporating elements from just about every other conspiracy theory you can name. They claimed alter programming was an ancient practice developed by pagan priests, and used in modern times by a global cult that intended to enthrone the Antichrist in the year 2000. The pair of them made so many claims that are absolutely beyond ludicrous, and I posted a sample of them over here.

Basically everyone who claims that alter programming is a real thing these days is downstream of Springmeier and Wheeler, whether they realize it or not. One reason we know this is that a lot of them cite a blogger who calls herself Svali, or cite people who cite Svali (such as Dr. Alison Miller and Dr. Ellen Lacter). Svali first popped up in the early 2000s claiming to be a former Illuminati/NWO programmer. She described the same kind of Illuminati and the same kind of practices as Springmeier and Wheeler. If you need examples, here she is claiming that color, metal, and jewel programming are things. And here she is claiming Disney moves are made for Illuminati programming.

Unwelcome Ozian is another clear case of someone who's getting their material from Springmeier and Wheeler; for example, their book Chainless Slaves not only describes the same methods and styles of alter programming; it even reproduces complete paragraphs from Springmeier and Wheeler's work.

Basically, the whole idea of alter programming/trauma-based mind control has a long, long history of medical malpractice, pseudoscience, fraud, and conspiracy theory behind it. It just doesn't take very long to start finding it once you actually start digging. Meanwhile, real evidence just never turns up, and what we do find often just flat-out contradicts these claims. Like, many people who claim to have undergone brutal tortures or major surgeries at the hands of programmers don't have the scars to show for it. The sites, tools, and costumes for the elaborate rituals described by a lot of these people are just never found.

What's very notably missing are technical manuals for the actual programming process. I'm talking about literature that fully describes the actual procedures in full, step-by-step detail, rather than the vague, suggestive descriptions you find in conspiracist literature. The fact that nothing of the sort has ever turned up anywhere you might expect it to in over seventy years is pretty damning, because this isn't the kind of thing that a bunch of random, unconnected people would just independently invent on their own.

Meanwhile, what very demonstrably does exist are therapists who still believe the in the pseudoscience and misinformation pushed by Dr. Wilbur, Dr. Pazder, etc, who will push people both with and without actual DID to try and uncover repressed memories. There are websites and articles that suggest guided imagery and hypnosis for retrieving memories you think you might have suppressed. There are hypnosis videos on YouTube that will supposedly help you recover repressed memories. We have clear cases of memory confabulation within the New Age movement, where people vividly "remember" traumatic events that very obviously never happened because they take place in non-existent places such as Lemuria and incorporate narratives from the pseudoscientific and racist ancient astronaut hypothesis.

So, hopefully this should answer things. I tried to keep this post as short as possible, but there's just a lot of history and context here. The very, very short version of this is that there are a lot of misled people who've unknowingly run afoul of 20th century conspiracy theories and psychiatric quackery.

[texasthoughtsaboutnothing]

Actual thoughts on Canto VI, the most convoluted Wuthering Heights Fix-it Fic of all time.

There's almost too much I want to say. So... bullet points random thoughts.

Distortion Heathcliff being over with so quickly was initially a little disappointing but on top of being a sick design, I think it both sets up how Distortion is firmly on the table and is a perfect representation of Heath's image of himself: a storm of anger and destruction that ends almost immediately but leaves so much pain in its wake. Sad he didn't manifest it as an Effloresced EGO, but maybe someday we'll get Berserk armor Heath wrapped in barbed wire.

Nelly being a traitor seemed pretty obvious, but I'm happy with her reasons. She just an employee at the end of the day, and the examination of the consequences of Mirror tech did a lot to explain how she could end up doing what she did. Also, Mirrors seem terrifying.

Heath and Cathy being a relationship I care about in current year was not on my bingo list but I'll take it. I feel like a resolution to their story is a long ways off but PM is actually big on happy endings so I want to believe he can get her back.

So the Golden Boughs are just fucking magic I guess. Literally containing the "power of possibilities" by which they mean "they grant fucking wishes like a god damn genie." I actually like this development, establishing all the ways this Sci-Fi setting is actually magic is cool.

Erlking Heath is... a lot. Entwinning him with Germanic myth is an interesting choice, I've seen some talk about how it specifically ties into Faust by way of Goethe. Better-read people than me will properly analyze that. He's the obvious candidate for a Heathcliff ID, yet how could such a thing be? Erlcliff has no reason to hunt when there's no Heath's killing no Cathy's because there are no Cathy's to kill. I'm sure they could come up with a reason, but he's also so integral to Canto VI's story is a way that even including him might be a spoiler? Maybe we see something like in FGO where voicelines and ID story are locked until you beat the correct story section.

Called it with the Guest Character, wasn't expecting Verglius. I hope this causes less people to ask for Color IDs so early, but I doubt it. Surprised they showed his EGO, but in doing so I think they've actually set a power ceiling to aspire to in gameplay terms, not just cutscene wins.

I'm sure there's more thoughts to share, but for now I'm looking forward to the new MD and the next event.

[ace-and-sleepdeprived]

haha.. guess who’s spent too much time scrolling through the monster falls tag since spooky month’s coming up and now has brainrot for a twisters monster au, couldn’t be me-

here’s what kind of monsters i’d think the cast would be, but yall can leave suggestions too if you want ofc

kate’s a leoninetaur - a centaur with the lower half of a lion instead of a horse, along with lion ears and a lion nose. she just gives me lioness vibes with her whole arc of isolating herself n’ such, and also because i wanted to give her paws, teehee.

tyler’s a minotaur hybrid - basically he doesn’t have a wholeass bull head but he has horns, bull ears, hooved feet, and a tail along with fur on his back, chest, legs and arms. as for the type of bull he’s based off of- i liked the shape of an ankole’s horns [obviously his aren’t as ridiculously big] and their coat pattern, so i chose them for the inspiration.

javi i struggled with a lot, but ultimately i think he'd be a phoenix hybrid - representative of him essentially being severely changed or reborn after the deaths of the tornado tamers, and him being metaphorically being reborn after leaving storm par. he's got wings, finger talons, pyrokinesis, and the ability to completely burn himself and regenerate anew. i also thought it'd be funny since he canonically loves hot cheetos.

boone is a werefox! more specifically, a black fox. while he looks mostly human when not shifted he does have fox ears, a bushy tail, and fur on his arms, chest, back and legs. foxes are known as playful tricksters, which i think perfectly fits boone. i also imagine that he's able to make fox noises so i can just picture him screeching at tyler and ty just being like "WHAT DO YOU WANT"

lily is a gorgon! i thought it'd be silly to imagine her long braids as a bunch of snakes [whomst she loves very much]. obviously because of the whole 'turning-people-to-stone-by-just looking-at-them,' lily usually has to wear sunglasses or a blindfold to ensure not having any accidental stone turnings and the only person lily can look at without any kind of coverings is dani. i imagine her snakes to be rainbow boas [bc they're shiny and they remind me of her].

speaking of dani, she's a gargoyle! she's got wings, horns and claws, and of course grey skin that turns to complete stone when she's exposed to too much sunlight. she's the polar opposite of the broody gothic stereotype placed on gargoyles for obvious reasons, and she's the one who's currently teaching javi how to properly fly since he never really learned.

the last wrangler on the list, dexter would likely be a dragon hybrid. think about it, dex is widely recognized as a sort of dad figure to the wranglers, and dragons like to hoard treasure, so it'd make since for a dragon dexter to consider the wranglers his hoard. although he's pretty laid back by dragon standards, don't think for a second that he wouldn't get protective if someone tried to threaten any of the wranglers. he does have a full dragon form, although he doesn't use it very often and prefers to simply stay in a mostly human form with wings, a tail, claws and horns.

cathy is a leoninetaur as well, although her animal half is actually that of a liger's -a lion and a tiger hybrid. kate only ended up being a full blooded leoninetaur due to her dad being a full blooded lion variant. nevertheless, she's a protective mama cat and nobody dares to fuck with her.

finally, i [unfortunately] have to talk about scott, and i definitely think he's a naga. snakes are known to be deceptive and manipulative, which definitely fits him. it's also funny trying to imagine him squashing himself awkwardly into a car with a bigass tail. as for what kind of snake he'd be, an asp viper fits him. [they look mean. scott is mean, so it fits.]

[mints-leaf]

A Bookstore Meet Cute Pt. 1

I've been having the same recurring daydream about Abby lately but since my memory is awful and I keep forgetting parts, I've decided to start writing it down and I figured I would share some of it. I think this will be structured like a mini-series and be broken up into a few parts.

Summary and a bit of character background: This takes place in a bookstore where the reader works. The owner of the bookstore, Jen, is your aunt and she is married to your other aunt, Cathy, who works at the same hospital as Jerry. The two of them moved from your home state to Seattle when you were just a kid and quickly became close with Jerry and Abby. When you decided to move to Seattle for college your aunts really wanted to introduce you to Abby but, being introverted, you always made excuses to avoid meeting her until today.

Pairing: Abby Anderson x Fem!Reader (modern au)

Word count: 2,043

Warnings: reader is a bit awkward, some cursing, some grammatical errors

part 2 ⚢ part 3

A/N: When I originally wrote this, I wrote with myself in mind, but I have since gone through to try to take out any physical descriptors about the reader. I’m sure I missed some lines or phrases so if you see a mistake, please let me know so I can fix it! Hope you enjoy!!

•❅──✧❅✦❅✧──❅••❅──✧❅✦❅✧──❅••❅──✧❅✦❅✧──❅•

While on a jog one Saturday morning Abby decided to go a different route than normal. She decided to jog through town on a path that would take her right past Jen’s bookstore. She came up to a red light and stopped to stretch while she waited for her turn to cross the street. As she stretched, she looked in the windows of Jen’s bookstore and that’s when she saw the most beautiful girl behind the counter. There you were chatting with a customer while you rang them up and Abby couldn’t take her eyes off you. She had seen beautiful women before but something about you pulled her in, it felt like she was in a trance.

She snapped out of it when the people around her started crossing the street and her body seemed to propel her forward. As she passed the bookstore, she had the fleeting thought to go in and try to talk to you but then she figured that meeting someone while you’re a sweaty mess might not be the best first impression. She continued her run and decided that she would stop by the store the next day and try to strike up a conversation with you.

Normally Abby doesn’t get nervous, she’s a very confident person, but as she came up to the bookstore the next day, her stomach was in knots. All at once, she had all these worries and doubts in her head. 

What if you weren’t there? 

What if you were already in a relationship? 

What if you were straight? 

She pushed through the worries and entered the store only to be greeted by Jen. Abby returned the greeting and tried to play it cool, she didn’t want to be too obvious that she was looking for you. Jen asked if there was anything Abby was looking for and after she told her that she was just browsing she took off to walk through the store in hopes of finding you.

For you, this Sunday morning had been like most of your mornings lately. You went to the bookstore to open with Jen and decided to spend the morning organizing the displays and taking stock. Earlier in the week the store had gotten a shipment of some best-selling books but for some reason one of the other employees had brought them upstairs. After your aunt told you this, you went to the 2nd floor to collect the books and bring them back to the main floor where they should have been placed.

You hadn’t realized how many books there would be, but determined to make it all in one trip you stacked the books to make a tower and attempted to walk with them. The tower blocked your line of sight, but since the store had just opened and there weren’t many customers so far, you figured it would be fine to walk down the stairs with all the books.

Things were going great until you got to the doorway for the stairwell. Suddenly, you collided with a solid mass and ended up flat on your ass with the books scattered around you. You were sure that you had just accidentally run into the wall when you looked up and saw a person standing in the doorway. You had to admit that the woman in front of you was gorgeous, but you also started to panic considering you had just smashed into a customer.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry! I didn’t think anyone would be coming up here. This is completely my fault, are you okay?��

It took Abby a few seconds to realize what had just happened. The girl that she was hoping to see had just smashed into her and was now on the floor, but you were asking if she was okay? Abby reassured you that she was okay and asked you the same while stooping down to help pick up the books. As you and Abby picked up the fallen books you continued to apologize. 

“Thank you for helping me get those. You can just put those on this table, and I’ll come back to get them after I bring these down,” you said as you motioned your head to a half-empty display table behind you. 

“Or I can help you carry them down, I don’t mind,” Abby added when she thought that you would oppose.

After a few seconds of thinking it over you relented, “Okay, that would be great. I was just taking them down to the first floor.”

Abby stepped out of the way so that you could make your way down the stairs with her following behind. You two made your way over to the counter and set down the piles of books. 

“Thank you for your help, and sorry again for running into you.” You said as you made your way behind the counter.

“Don’t worry about it.” Abby insisted.

Standing there, you were finally able to get a good look at her and you had to say that your initial impression of her was right. She was ridiculously pretty with tons of freckles, beautiful grey eyes, and her hair pulled back in a braid with some pieces framing her face. She cleared her throat, and you realized that you had been staring at her for a bit too long. You felt your face begin to heat but before you could make up an excuse and run away, Aunt Jen popped up.

“Oh, there you are... and you met Abby! Finally, we’ve been trying to get you two to meet for ages!” she said as she excitedly clapped her hands together.

That name was familiar, and you realized all at once that this was the famous Abby that your aunts wanted you to meet when you first moved to Seattle. The Abby that they were convinced would be your new bestie if they could just get you two in a room together. They had conveniently forgotten to tell you how beautiful she is.

It seemed at that moment Abby also put two and two together because she turned back to you and asked, “Wait, are you y/n?” Jen and Cathy had mentioned that their niece would sometimes help with the bookstore, but your paths never seemed to cross when she had stopped by before (she would have remembered if had she seen you).

“Yeah, and you’re Abby?” You questioned back, trying to process this all. The cute girl that you had just been ogling was someone that your aunts practically considered as another niece. (Did this mean she was like your honorary cousin? You shuddered just thinking about it.)

Aunt Jen, not realizing what she had just stumbled upon (or maybe completely realizing) continued to talk, “Yes, y/n this is Abby, Abby this is y/n. Cathy and I have wanted to introduce you two to each other for the longest time.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you Abby,” you finally piped up.

“Yeah, you too, I’ve heard great things.” She replied.

“So, Abby did you find a good book? You know if you need help y/n is great at helping people find books. You just tell her what you like, and she’ll give you recommendations.” Jen said as she stepped behind the counter with you and squeezed your shoulders.

With that Abby turned to you and asked, “Would you be able to help me find something?” She was willing to find any reason to continue to be around you.

“Of course,” you said as you stepped away from the counter and started to walk with Abby back upstairs while Jen manned the register. “What kind of books do you normally gravitate towards?”

After Abby answered a few more questions you were able to find out that she normally reads classic lit and fiction and was interested in getting into fantasy and sci-fi. Using this information, and pairing it with your own curiosity, you decided to recommend some sapphic fantasy and sci-fi books.

You two walked over to the fantasy section, and you looked for the books that you thought she would like. “This is one of my favorites,” you said while holding up ‘This is How You Lose the Time War.’ “It’s a pretty short read, only a little over 200 pages, but it’s fantastic!” Next, you grabbed ‘The Priory of the Orange Tree.’ “Now I realize that this book looks intimidating,” you chuckled as you watched Abby’s eyes slightly widen at the nearly 850-page book, “but trust me, it’s worth it. There’s tons of action and you really get immersed into the characters and their lives.” You grabbed the last book off the shelf and held it up. “‘That Self-Same Metal’ is a great book too, it’s YA and includes some Fae lore as well if you think you would be into that.” 

You conveniently forgot to mention that all these books have sapphic characters/ relationships, but you were hopeful that if she read any of these, you could gauge her reaction when you saw her again.

Abby decided to start with ‘This is How You Lose the Time War’ and you walked her up to the front to check her out.

“I hope you like it, maybe if we run into each other again you can tell me your thoughts,” you said with a small smile that Abby reciprocated.

“Definitely, but hopefully next time you won’t be carrying a stack of books,” Abby responded with a teasing smirk that had you fighting to keep your smile from stretching too big.

You handed her the receipt and wished her a great day. You watched as she left the store and as she walked past the display window, she turned and gave you a little wave. You were so distracted with returning her wave that you didn’t hear Jen walk up beside you.

“So, what do you think of Abby?” Jen asked as you nearly jumped out of your skin. 

“She seems nice,” you replied trying to be cool about it.

“Hmm, nice…” Jen responded as she scanned you from head to toe, sizing you up. 

Wanting to avoid the impeding interrogation you told Jen that you were going to set up a display and made your escape. For the rest of the day, you couldn’t stop yourself from thinking about Abby and wondering when you would see her again.

Later that week, Abby had come back to the bookstore after she had finished the book you recommended to her. She loved it and wanted to tell you her thoughts, but as she walked through the store you were nowhere to be found. She bumped into Jen who told her that you were out that day, but you would be back on Saturday. Abby was disappointed that she wouldn't get to see you, but she made sure to come back on Saturday morning and just like Jen said, there you were. You greeted Abby with a soft smile that made her feel a little fuzzy and asked her to give an honest rating of the book.

You two ended up talking about the book in depth. Abby spent about 2 hours following you around as you worked and you two shared your thoughts (she also seemed to enjoy the romance subplot which you decided to take as a good sign). Before Abby left the store that morning she bought ‘That Self-Same Metal’ and promised to be back next week to share her thoughts.

This started a bit of a tradition between you two. Abby would buy and read the books that you recommended and then the next week you would have elaborate discussions about what she had just read.

By the 4th book debrief, as you liked to call them, you asked Abby for some of her own recommendations. Almost immediately after Abby had told you some of her favorites, she got nervous that you wouldn’t like them but of course you did and that made her ecstatic (she could go on about her favorite books for days). It soon became both of your favorite parts of the week, and you would happily ignore your aunt’s teasing every Saturday morning if it meant that you got to see Abby.

[mister-mickey]

Idk outsiders ethnicity headcanons !!

Darry

- all four grandparents are Irish immigrants!

- it doesn’t affect him at all, he does not care

- all he knows is St. Patrick’s day, he goes overboard with the pinching and the green

- they’re Protestant, and while he isn’t really religious, it still had an effect ofc

Sodapop

- also Irish (obviously)

- he always goes crazy for holidays, so everyone makes sure to wear green on St. Patrick’s day. It’s all he knows about Ireland lmao

Ponyboy

- Irish (again)

- the only one that actually knows anything about Ireland.

- he likes to look at postcards and pictures of it. He thinks it’s very beautiful. He kind of wants to move there someday

- church had an effect on him too (that’s canon though)

Two-Bit

- he’s welsh, his moms parents still live there (he’s never met them)

- his mom still has a slight accent, he teases her about it

- he used to have an accent when he was a baby lol

- his dad was also welsh, but he left so Two doesn’t gaf about him and his side

Steve

- his dad has distant Scottish ancestry, but neither of them know anything about Scotland so they don’t care.

- his mom was Apsaalooke, and she was from Montana. Steve doesn’t know because she died when he was a baby and it hurts his dad to talk about her

- Steve has also never seen a picture of her before either. He has no idea, his dad doesn’t realize that he has no idea

Johnny

- both parents are Shawnee

- they moved away from their families because their families didn’t want them together. Part of the reason they’re still together is because they fought so hard to be together that they don’t want to separate now that they hate eachother

Dallas

- he doesn’t know anything about his heritage because he never sees his dad and his mom is dead

- but he’s polish

- his dads surname was “Witowski” but he changed it to Winston because ppl kept thinking it was Russian and harassing him

- so his dad hates Americans because of it

Tim

- mom is a Russian immigrant, dad is a Spanish immigrant. He doesn’t know anything about either cultures

- mom moved to America in the 30’s with her brother and met his dad almost immediately.

- then they moved to Tulsa! Also tim hates his uncle lol

Angela

- same as Tim, but she gets along with her uncle and actively enjoys Russian culture

- she was only three when her dad died so she also doesn’t know anything about Spain or her dads side

Curly

- he has a different dad (one of my fave hcs) and his dad is also Russian, so he’s fully Russian

- also loves their uncle and enjoys Russian culture

Bryon

- British ancestors

- he does not care about his heritage, he has more important things on his mind

- also it’s such distant ancestry that it rlly doesn’t matter

Mark

- so I hc dallys dad to be the infamous whore cowboy that fathered mark and Tex, so he’s half Polish

-his mom is Shawnee though (was ig, since she’s dead)

- he is aware, but he doesn’t like to think about his family for obvious reasons, he likes to think taht he’s just bryons brother

Cathy

- I also hc her and M&M to be two-bits cousins! Their dad is his moms brother (solely based on the fact that they all have grey eyes)

- so she’s welsh. She sends letters to her grandparents but has also never met them

M&M

- also welsh ofc

- his dad forces him and Cathy to send letters to their grandparents. His grandparents do not like him so he hates it

- he does think Wales is very cool though

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas :)

im not sure this is me asking for advice because i don’t think there’s really a recipe for getting over someone but i just need to rant into the void

so there’s this girl. let’s call her lucy. we went to the same high school but never really met. she was a year older and one of those “popular” girls i guess, so we never really crossed paths, but we knew about each other. she was one of those girls who made the room brighter just by being in it. like calling her gorgeous is an understatement. and she was always super kind to everyone. like all the boys in school had a crush on her at some point.

so fast forward a bit, first year of uni. i moved into a big city and enrolled into the same university as lucy’s best friend. let’s call her cathy (lucy lives in a different city about 4 hours from us). cathy and i quickly become really close and of course she starts mentioning lucy a lot. she also talks about me to lucy. cathy starts telling me how we should definitely hang out, how we have so much in common and how lucy would love to get to know me (we both loved taylor swift read the same books etc) but as we lived in different cities it was kinda hard to arrange. quickly we developed this kind of weird parasocial relationship through cathy. like lucy would tell cathy to ask my opinion on something, she would send cathy voicemails to forward to me when she wanted to discuss something, she also invited me to a harry styles concert but i was busy so i couldn’t go and so on. i should maybe point out that she didn’t really use social media so that’s why she didn’t dm me or something.

at one point i discover that lucy is a lesbian. cathy never really mentions it but it becomes quite obvious from some stories. and at this point, i kinda start crushing really hard. my little lesbian heart is only so strong and here’s this drop dead gorgeous girl who is so amazing and we have so much in common and god what is a girl to do.

i learn that lucy has a girlfriend and get kinda sad but can’t really complain so i try to get over my little crush and move on. however, one day lucy deletes all pictures with her gf from instagram she briefly had. a few weeks later she messages me and tells me she wants to visit me and cathy, and that there’s this big 1989 tv release party in the city i live in and she would love for us to go together. i’m of course smiling into my pillow.

so she comes in october for the party. this is our first time officially hanging out. and god, we have the best night ever. nothing explicitly romantic happens, but we just have so much fun. we go out for drinks and talk and then we go to this party and dance and drink and have the time of our life. and at this point i’m really thinking about this as a date, because we’re both queer and she hugs me and holds my hand and we actually cuddle in front of the club. and then. it’s really late and we’re both kinda drunk and want to go home so she calls her ex (?) to pick us up. i agree as i’m pretty tired but i’m also so confused as i have no idea what’s going on here. anyways, the night ends and we have brunch tomorrow and talk about how we had a great night, but don’t mention anything else.

long story short, she gets back together with her girlfriend and kinda stops contacting me as frequently, but half a year later, i’m still hung up on a girl i literally spent 24 hours with. and sure, i’m interested in other girls, have other crushes i guess, but somehow my mind always comes back to her. the reason i’m writing this today is because i haven’t listend to taylor in a while, but ttpd came out and suddenly i hear her in every song and she still told cathy to ask me my favourite song as soon as it came out. and she still talks about wanting to visit me and god i want to just move on so bad. but i know i’m gonna text her as soon as another party comes up when we’re both free. and it’s just gonna be the same thing over again.

Hi! <3

damn, this is...this sounds so difficult.

Honestly? I think Lucy needs to make up her mind. It sounds like she's trying to have her cake and eat it too by being with her girlfriend and flirting with you, and either she doesn't know what she's doing (which isn't great, but it happens) or she's not thinking about anyone else's feelings (which is worse).

I know it is so easy to get hung up on someone like this- there's like...such a fun aspect of a romance like this where it's drawn-out and a bit forbidden and kind of dramatic. But the problem with something like this is it hardly ever ends well and you deserve someone who wants you wholly.

Of course, this is all easy for me to say, as I'm not the one to experience it. But I think if I were you, I would take this album release as an opportunity to think about what you deserve and how you can use the songs to process your feelings. Because the important thing is, you deserve more, and you're not getting it, whether it's on purpose or not.

<3 <3 <3 <3 Sending you all the love!

Also, naming you deserving anon in case you want to update/write back!

[gaytotaldrama]

For the requests: maybe Brott? (Brick x Scott)

full disclosure: i haven't gotten to TDROTI in my rewatch yet (mid-TDWT rn) so if anyone seems OOC i apologize it's been a while since ive seen it!! but i think brott is a super cute pairing and brick has always been one of my faves from the newer casts so i hope you enjoy :)

also on my ao3!

Part of a soldier's duty is to keep alert, and notice the little things not everyone else does. Brick may not be top of the class, but he had to have gotten picked for the new season of Total Drama for a reason. And if he really wants a shot at the money, it's probably best to start strategizing before the game even begins.

Which is why Brick starts people-watching as soon as he boards the boat to the island, so he can get a head start on sizing up the - somewhat intimidating - competition.

The most obvious threats, he checks out first. The girl in the grey tracksuit is clearly super athletic, as is the guy in the jersey he's pretty sure is named Lightning. Loud, both of them, but probably also headstrong. Easy to anger. Brick's known plenty like that over the course of his years of training. They'll be ones to watch out for, for sure.

The big guy is quiet - really quiet - and Brick's positive he's got to be secretly housing some mad brains up there. The small kid with the glasses won't get anywhere in the physical challenges, but in Brick's experience, those types of people can serve up a truly merciless smackdown of intelligence. Brick wouldn't call himself dumb, but he's never exactly been an Einstein - watch out for them, too.

Zoey is sweet - she'd introduced herself to Brick near the top of the boat ride, obviously eager to get to know her fellow competitors - and therefore not much cause for concern. Ditto Mike, who seems both nervous and excited, and ultimately, non-threatening. Dakota (and he knows her name is Dakota, because she'd loudly announced herself as she'd sashayed on board) is caught up in her own glossy glamorous self, the curly-haired guy too wrapped up in his video games to give Brick cause for much worry. The Italian girl is a little scary (not that Brick's afraid or anything, haha) and the small kid in the green sweater has done nothing but meditate this whole time. Yeah, they shouldn't be a problem.

Neither is the loud girl in the pink jacket. Brick never caught her name - he's sure she introduced herself, but she's been talking the ear off of everyone non-stop and in all that prattle, none of it seems to actually hold any merit. And Brick would know a thing or two about merit, yes sir!

Chatty Cathy's current victim appears to be the only other remaining contestant - looks like your classic Nova Scotian farm boy, chopped red hair, threadbare wifebeater, unimpressed look on his face. Brick doesn't know his name, or his deal - strength from years of outdoor chores? Some hidden smarts no one would assume of him? Brick has no idea. Come to think of it, Brick's not even sure he's heard the guy say a word. Not that it's in any way easy to get a sentence in edgewise with pink jacket girl around, of course - had she said her name was Tracey? Sarah?

"What are you staring at, buzzcut?"

Brick instantly straightens his spine, standing at attention, embarrassed to have been caught looking at the farm boy. "Nothing. I wasn't staring at anything."

"Uh, yeah, you totally were," says pink jacket. "It was so obvious! By the way, did you know that my great-great-great-great-great uncle Gordon first coined the term obvious wayyyyyy back in - "

"Put a sock in it," farm guy mutters, and strangely, she seems to listen to him. He diverts his attention back to Brick, advancing on him like some sort of terrifying jungle cat. "Trying to size up the competition?" He sniffs, thin lips curled into a sneer. "All you need to know about me is that I'm gonna kick your sorry ass off this island."

Brick stands his ground. "With all due respect, you don't know that for certain. Mr....?"

"Scott." He grabs a hold of the front of Brick's shirt, pulling him in close and oh no, he's hot, and whoa, he's got freckles like everywhere. "I'll make sure you won't forget it, private."

And with one last withering glare, he lets go of Brick and stomps away.

"Wow." In all that had just happened, Brick had forgotten Staci (!!) entirely, but she's throwing an arm around his shoulder now in what she likely thinks is a comforting manner. "That guy is gonna eat you alive! Speaking of cannibals, my cousin's sister's dog's landlord totally eats people! Chris would probably love to have him on the show, yah, he's a total maniac but I bet he'd be great for ratings, ya know? Ya know, my great-great-great-great - "

But Brick isn't listening to a word. He's staring down at his shirt, positive he can see the imprint of Scott's fingers seared into the fabric there, because why else would Brick have burned the way he did when Scott touched him?

[midnightmah07]

Hello Mah! ♡

Ok, so first I feel I should start by saying I was like....this close to shipping Ruthie with Che'nya. I loved the idea of their dynamic and their relationship, and even wrote a few headcanons detailing what their relationship would be like... (I have a LOT to say when it comes to them...)

I decided against it though, since I felt it would be better if she was shipped with one of the NRC boys, instead of another NPC like herself.

But this is unrelated to Che'nya (just thought i'd mention it since we were on the subject lol)

So, this gets shown/addressed in the event, but one of the reasons why Ruthie's least favorite food is seafood is because fish freak her out (so she's too scared to eat it)

This also leads to her interactions with Jade to be a bit stilted, with her doing her best to be polite to him (even though it's clear she's uncomfortable around him)

Jade can tell she's uncomfortable/afraid to be around him, and doesn't really do anything to stop it lol He enjoys her reaction to him and how easy it is to get her to react, even doing something as simple as standing beside her makes her shift uncomfortably.

In the event there is a scene where Jade tries to use his unique magic on her (this is when the boys become suspicious of what's going on, so they ask Jade/Jade suggests using his UM to get the truth for them)

But Ruthie can't meet his eyes, feeling even more uncomfortable having him leaning down so close towards her, their faces mere inches apart (If you've seen the panel in the manga of Jade using his UM, that's what I'm thinking their position is like!) When Adamina notices what's going on and how uncomfortable Ruthie is, she immediately puts a stop to it, having an idea of what Jade was trying to do (even though Jade didn't make it obvious what their plan was)

All of this to say my mind was suddenly like, "What if Ruthie and Jade were a thing?" And yeah....

That's it really lol Like it seems like it was only a fleeting thought, since Cathie is still strong and forever in my heart, but it scared me for a moment cause I love Cathie lol

(Though I guess the unrequited love idea or Ruthie being shipped with multiple people thing isn't a bad idea...I'll have to think about it...) Also the whole situation with Rollo and Daisy is so funny to think about (especially with Ruggie flirting with her in front of him lol)

I'd love to hear your thoughts Mah!

Thank you! ♡

Ohh that would be really interesting and fun!! Especially Jade's reactions to Ruthie! But I agree Cathie is strong and powerful 😔🙏🏻

Also oh my Gosh same. This happens to me a lot especially with Ace. I love AceYuu I think it's a wonderful ship, so sometimes my head goes like "wait what if I shipped Daisy and Ace..." but like 10 seconds later I give up on the idea lmaooooo😭😭

[harrowscore]

Ship game you said? Eh eh. Let's go: ere//mika (or the ultimate meta on way you have so many problem with the pairing) and,to compensate the bitter with the sweeter:riva/mika. I'm particularly curious about this one because since there was the "levi ackermann" reveal almost nobody talk about their dynamic because "yikes,they could be cousin!11!1"

OH MY GOD I'M SO SORRY i left this ask to rot in my box and then forgot all about it I'M SO SORRY fellow salernitana i hope you can forgive me 😭😭😭😭😭

so... starting with why i don't ship e.remika (a serious understatement): it's a horrid potpourri of the tropes i most loathe in the world and that unfortunately seem prevalent in the shonen genre for. some reason i guess. my dislike of ~Girl Obsesses Over Boy (who doesn't care and/or seem to notice her feelings i may add) Until Boy *gasps* Loves Her Back (with no build-up whatsoever. it's all telling and not showing)~ knows no bound. (see also i.chihime from bleach) it's especially annoying to me if the girl has. no fucking goals or aspirations (and sometimes even IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIPS) that don't revolve around the boy, which is mikasa's case. to sum it all up... this dependency is okay (in fiction, i mean!) only if it comes from both sides. think of cathy & heathcliff (e.remika is like. the fucking discount badly written version of WH): both can't function without the other in an exquisitely destructive portrayal of obsession and codependency that borders on narcissism. so that's not healthy at all, like mikasa's love for eren, which is something that i'm not saying as a hater but that gets explicitly acknowledged in-universe with the intentional parallels with ymir the progenitor's '''love''' for king fritz (tho they make a pairing like, idk, joker/harley look like cutesy vanilla relationship goals, and em as straight up austenian romance lmao).

but, back to WH... it's SO well-written. mikasa instead is sadly dependent on eren to the point her entire character arc is about getting over him and moving on with her grief. that's insane, considering he - as the (male!) protagonist - obviously loves her, but he's got so much else to do, has actual goals which are the basis for the whole plot, and interesting, complex relationships with so many other characters. [yes, i said that he loves mikasa, tho i don't buy that he wanted to live with her in la Casetta In Canadà and forget the world because that's SO not eren; that's mikasa's dream, and it's shown as illusory wishful thinking for a reason. but while i think his romantic feelings were portrayed so badly it's kinda laughable ngl, it's always been obvious that he deeply cares for her. she and armin are the most important persons in his life, and idw to imply differently.] mikasa comes VERY close to have her own arc, independently from eren, but her character development seems to round in circles again. and again. and again. letting eren go - which is something that stems from the trauma-imprinting she had on him; she never elaborated her parents' death, and losing him too would mean losing them, feeling that pain, all over again - is something she's shown to do in the early episodes of s1, before eren even turns into a titan. but then we see her choose him over all else again, and then realizes that there are other important things and persons too (that time levi injured himself to save her because she was too focused on getting to her boy, remember?). and then the cycle repeats all over again to peak in the (admittedly tragic but extremely predictable) finale, where he's destroying the fucking world, almost killing her and all their friends, and she still hesitates over taking a fucking stand. she fights against the founder titan, yes, but she never openly condemns eren's actions, she never stands up to him like armin does. mikasa is shown as a strong, sometimes even defiant person to everyone else but eren (see how she gets with levi; especially in the manga, she contradicts him A Lot and doesn't give a shit about his scary reputation - her own is nearly as fearsome after all); she's very passive with him in a way that doesn't suit her. of course she loves eren, but armin loves him too and he fights back and doesn't take any of eren's shit when he insults them both, while mikasa just... stands there crying prettily, i guess. which brings me to the elephant in the room: it's armin who's actually the biggest influence on eren (the latter himself says it was armin showing him the book about the outside world that made him realise he wasn't free, just to list one example); it's to save him who eren sacrifices himself for, which then prompts his first transformation into the attack titan. they're narrative foils (tho the same could be said about him and reiner and to a lesser extent gabi), complementary opposites. he's so physically affectionate towards armin, especially if contrasted with his colder behaviour towards poor mikasa - okay, he's a bit of a tsundere, but one thing is saying that he represses his feelings actually, and another is showing it!

i know all about characters repressing and outright denying they feel something for their LI, believe me; i love emotionally stunted idiots who can't emote for shit (maybe because i am so emotional and feel things too deeply, i'm drawn to my opposite). but @ yams....... please...... have mercy on me, because that's Now How You Do It, and whoever says otherwise is delusional. if a female character from anything but a shonen/bordering on seinen anime got this kind of characterization there would be so much discourse, so many polarizing opinions, so much hate for the author. i'm not saying western media don't have a sexism problem - quite the contrary!! - but mikasa is. an especially bad case? i haven't seen one so bad in a long ass while, maybe because i'm used to consume media with (generally speaking) well-written female characters. like, c'mon. imagine if mikasa had been the female protagonist of a fantasy book series, or a tv show... oh god. and no, sorry but having her kick ass right and left doesn't make her a Strong Female Character actually. Feminism 101 is founded on women having a life outside their relationship with men, and. mikasa doesn't? not really? at least compared to other female characters in the series. yams made a half-decent job with them (tho giving that backstory to ymir the progenitor was. certainly A Choice, as it was sidelining historia and annie for so many chapters), which makes mikasa's static, repetitive, stale character arc really, really sad, because my girl had so much potential. i mean, even em as a pairing had so much potential! childhood friends turned to enemies, like, hello?? imagine if mikasa had got armin's complexity and relevance and a fucking life outside of eren, for god's sake. imagine if she loved him, really, but she repressed her feelings and wasn't so heavily dependent on him (or they both were. from the beginning), and still stood up to him and called him out on his bullshit without erasing her hidden vulnerability and fragility. imagine if their relationship was between equals and-- ah, imagine her getting a character development a la casca (without all the horrifying shit she endures and the 200 chapters long catatonia and sexualisation, tho, tyvm!!!), since isayama himself said she was the blueprint for mikasa - in general he was heavily inspired by berserk - and it shows because they're basically twins separate at birth *insert spiderman meme*. i mean, yams even said that the scene where eren saves mikasa from the slave traders was based on griffith rescuing casca and her imprinting on him instantly, and god does it show.

........... but then em would just be het e.remin, so. whatever. there's also mikasa's need to grow the fuck up, and for that she needs to see that her wishful thinking, her beliefs about ~Eren Loves Me So Much, He Can't Live Without Me!! even when he gives her the cold shoulder so many times, are wrong. that's how you write a character growing into adulthood: you challenge them, you show that the world is founded on a very different basis than what they believed. (see lucy from fallout - she's an adult but she's in a metaphorical infancy before getting out of her vault and a coming-of-age arc throughout much of the series.) if you reinforce mikasa's beliefs... she just remains static. which brings me to...

r.ivamika: oh, i adore them. they had so much potential in many different ways... unfortunately it's very, very obvious how much yams doesn't give a shit about the ackermans. first thing first: it's not incest. they're not cousins. it's explicitly stated that they're only very distantly related, and well, it's glaring how much they don't consider each other "family" or whatever. they're descendants of the same ancient clan, that's all. (actually, mikasa is eren's foster sister and she says he's her family more than once. but that's something em shippers generally seem to gloss over. not that i think em is incest either, it's not. maybe a very lite version of pseudo-incest like the abovementioned WH, but nothing more.) tbh i always thought of them being "related" a la darkling and mal from the greggrisha trilogy. technically they are but (stealing my brother's words of wisdom about the whole rm insane discourse) "it isn't gross" because it's been too fucking long for a relationship between them to be incestous. i mean, guys... words have meaning. you can dislike it but after many generations (500 years for the darkling and mal) they're really not more than nominally related at best. after six gens the shared blood is 0.01%, let alone... whatever the fuck levi and mikasa are. i mean, this obsession the fandom has with them as ~cousins is ridiculous - okay for a headcanon, obviously, but they're very much not framed like that in-universe. like, they have a professional relationship between a soldier and her superior, between comrades in arms. she loathes him until she doesn't; she thinks he's (and i quote) a "sadistic freak" until she doesn't, and she starts to feel respect for him and even *gasp* CARE FOR HIS WELL-BEING lmao???? but nope, she doesn't think of him as a family member. yams could have easily gone that way with them, but he didn't. it's nice to think about mikasa finally finding a belonging, especially with all her grief and family-issues (see, again, her obsession with eren, as stated above)... but that's exactly the reason why i like levi as a romantic option for her.

i'll explain why: they have this Pride&Prejudice vibes+mentor/protégée+veteran/talented newcomer+recognition through the other (derogatory) thing going on that i find very interesting. someone once said levi is basically a more evolved and mature version of mikasa, and i agree. but they're also very different, in a way that would both complement the other and challenge them. levi has an almost opposite way of dealing with grief compared to mikasa: she fiercely clings to few close people and does everything in her power to stop them from fading away from her; he has a long history with losing people too, and that's what makes him keep everyone at a distance (and fail spectacularly at it but that's another matter). he's already resigned to letting them go (see how he deals with erwin and hange's deaths, for example) and making hard choices in a merciless, impossible situation. you can't suffer if you don't grow attached to people in a world and a profession where death is an everyday occurrence, right...? right?????? except that he cares and mourns too, of course. he just represses it all, and he's very efficient at it. now, since mikasa's main issue is that she can't let go (especially of eren)... you can see how they both can teach something to each other and grow together. they're very similar personality-wise: both stoic, strong, loyal, excellent fighters, with a cold façade and a (more or less hidden) heart of gold beyond all that ice. they're both the strongest in the world; she's the only one who can keep up with him on the battlefield, the only one who can challenge him (and vice versa). he respects her almost from the very start; she despises him so hard that it blinds her in some occasions, but grows from hating his guts for kicking the shit out of eren to asking his help to kill eren. obviously they're the only ones with their special powers, being the last ackermans and all that. they could really understand each other on a deep level... if only isayama had made them interact!!!!! which he didn't. I MEAN. searching for their clan's roots, bonding over how unique and, for this very same reason, lonely they are? ["there are no others like us, and there never will be" *cough cough*] nope. let's make them never address the elephant in the room!! tbh they could have been descendants of different clans with similar powers and biology, and nothing about their relationship would have changed lmao. like, this girl has serious family-related issues; that's one of the reasons she fixates on eren. why doesn't she go to levi and, idk, ask him about something, anything? that's such a glaring flaw - not a plot hole but a... characterization hole, if you will - i seriously can't even fathom it. all this Carramba Che Sorpresa shit, all this fucking insanity over the poor harmless rm shippers... for that? (with that being: nothing. the void. nietzsche's abyss, maybe.) 😭😭😭😭😭😭 also, there's this persistent headcanon in the fandom that levi would inquire about the ackerlore, but... this only shows how shallow some fans' reading of the characters is. levi WOULD NEVER. levi is afraid of committing himself to someone, to feel so deeply he can't recover from a loss, to have distractions from his long-time goal, and this includes family business. (isayama actually explicitly said it in an interview!) it's mikasa who's so hungry for belonging... and making her curious about their shared heritage, having some kind of bond with levi (even a strictly platonic one), would have helped her step out of eren's shadow. like, a lot. and of course that didn't happen... whatever. 

tl;dr: i love them and i've written about them more than any other pairing so far, which is ridiculous (2 long fics, one of which is sadly unfinished, and a shorter one). I'm not fixated on aot anymore these days - the toxicity in the fandom and my displeasure with some of the manga's storylines were curbing my enthusiasm - but they'll always have a special place in my heart. gotta love a semi-rareship with such a potentially juicy, complex dynamic. 

(e naturalmente se vuoi Passare Al Lato Oscuro e see what all the fuss is about posso linkarti un paio di fic scritte molto bene, oppure umilmente farti leggere le mie, che sono in italiano)

thank you so much for the ask and, again, SORRY for not replying for so. fucking. long ughhhhhhh ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[planefood]

i dont have anything specific to say but!!!!! your robots are sooo soo cool and i love hearing more about them, and id love to know more about the world around them!!!! whats the deal with their setting?

Oh wonderful I was just thinking about this and was considering of making my own separate text post but didn't quite know where to put my thoughts. I'm glad you like my characters :) This is another lengthy answer bare with me I hope you don't mind. SO I don't know if I've actually outright stated this in a more obvious way but all my characters (currently) live in in modern day Auckland, the largest city in my country. It just made sense from a population point of view since about half of our entire population is in that city that that's where most of the robots would be.

and a handy map of the North Island, Te Ika-a-Māui for you before we continue

Tandy lived in the South Waikato for a while before moving to Auckland. Lithium comes from Hamilton, Jay and Phillip both come from Wellington. Cathy comes from around the rural Taupo area. The rest of the (nz) robots are local Aucklanders. I won't go too in depth about city differences and stuff because I only think like... 5 of my followers are from here as well. I know people are definitely more interested in the more 'sci fi' elements of robots living alongside humans, which I'll get to in time, but Aotearoa being the setting for the story is actually pretty important, at the very least in a sentimental level for me and will greatly influence a lot of the writing as we go forward. I want to focus more on that element for this ask sorry if that's not what you were looking for. A little more about me, a huge reason why I put such strong emphasis on my characters living here when I notice other local artists my age don't really tend to do that, is I spent my formative years living in Tokyo, Japan before moving to Aotearoa in like 2008. You can imagine moving from somewhere with 13 odd million people living in it to a city with like a 40,000 population speaking a language I wasn't familiar with was a massive change for anyone let alone a young disabled kid. Originally I was pretty resentful of living here, people at school generally treated me poorly just for being autistic alone only adding with all the cultural and language differences that came from being overseas. If I had simply stayed in Japan in my mind everything would've turned out fine. Now as an adult I do still think about what I would've turned out like if I did stay in Japan, but I still wouldn't trade growing up here for anything. As I get older a lot of cultural influence from Japan slips out of my grasp, I stopped speaking Japanese having nobody else my age who spoke it to talk to and when more things started getting imported overseas to here when I thought I could maybe get that part of myself back it even just a little, it was picked and altered for a more western palette and that's for a country as influential as Japan. I don't want that happening again for the country I live in now. As the internet becomes more commonplace and more NZ artists take the stage they're really starting to appeal to an American audience. It makes sense, it's the majority of your audience. I'm essentially screaming into a void with us making up less than 1% of the world population. I want my art and stories to appeal to a wider audience as well but I don't want to tone down any aspects I feel are important. I'm starting to get sick of writing all my ocs in the states when it's so alien to me just cause it's seen as a blank slate. My story is about robots, yes but it's also about the experience of what it's like to grow up and live here. I want people to really view and experience it like I do whether they've lived here or not, which is super difficult. I have a perspective a lot of people don't and I really want to use that to my advantage. I want to talk about more in depth and more niche aspects of it on here, but I also want to avoid boring anyone or alienating people?

[firestarter91]

Dead and Buried, episode 2 - thoughts

Colin looks particularly pretty in this scene, the way the light plays off his lovely face and makes his eyes sparkle, like Cathy I wanted to stare for a bit but unlike Cathy I don't want to ruin this guy's life.

Spoilery musings below.

We pick up the pace this week as Cathy carries on her campaign against Michael and things start getting serious. Half way through this series, I don’t feel much sympathy for Cathy, because the writers haven’t given me enough reasons to do so. Michael comes over as a decent family man grappling with his own internal struggles, he’s trying to get on with life and gain some personal freedom from a suffocating family environment.

The fact he did a bad thing many moons ago doesn’t change that. May be it’s partly because I’m still none the wiser what exactly happened with her brother and how did Michael end up in the situation he’s in now? Although I’m not sure it would make much difference to my feelings as he’s clearly rehabilitated himself. I’m planning on keeping my weekly viewings going rather than binge watching, I just hope this doesn’t go off the rails like The Killing Kind, the previous drama Colin did involving a guy with a dark past.

“I can explain” Cathy tells husband Raymie after being caught outside the front of the McAllister house. Well she does and it sounds exactly as bad as it looks, even her excuse that she's not fucking him but fucking WITH him, doesn’t win her any brownie points. She says she wants revenge, yeah we know. It’s funny how she goes from being all regretful about her actions to offended he’s followed her, like how dare you impinge on my private time whilst I stalk this dude and snoop in his house!

Cathy is also annoyed at her therapist, yeah so am I, I liken them to snake oil salesman. They make you pay good money to do nothing but ask bleeding obvious questions that any sensible person would ask, they supposedly listen, nod their head whilst you talk and then let you go without offering you any advice on what you should do and promptly book you in for another consultation. I just don’t get how that’s a job? You might as well chat to a friend and pay them, they’ll be about as much use and they might just offer you some sensible suggestions, like Cathy’s friend. Not that Cathy is listening to anyone about Michael.

Oh that explains the son’s reaction when he saw Raymie outside the bedroom window, I must have missed that he’s Andrew’s teacher and he thinks he’s in trouble for bunking off, Raymie now realises he’s got McAllister’s son in his class, what a handy coincidence. 😉

Uh oh trouble at home, his wife has found the lace panties that Cathy planted and she demands to look at his phone. He’s in a spot of bother here because whilst he’s not technically been cheating, the messages she finds (unless he's already deleted them) will be enough to condemn him as flirting (literally) with the idea of it. Oh that’s smooth and kind of a shit thing to do, blame the lad for the knickers lol, he even walks away leaving the phone in her hand until she asks does he want it back, that was a disaster well dodged (for now) but the son isn’t so happy, he’s heard them talking.

I love a bit of drunken dancing in the living room and Michael sure as hell needs a release, and that’s found in the bottle and music, he’s clearly unhappy. Next day he’s off with his son to attend a cult Brothers of Caleb meeting and singalong. Cathy is following them, turns out they’re going to initiate a new member as a ‘disciple’, he’s another repentant ‘sinner’ who by joining the brotherhood will have his life tied to serving the cult leader Michael’s father in law, Jack.

Cathy's friend Sally realises she's is out on the prowl again whilst on the phone to her and meets up with Cathy to ask why she’s on a stake out with her son in the back of the car. They can hear singing from outside so Cathy runs up close to take a look, “it’s worse than I thought they’re born again christians!’😂

Poor Michael is sitting there during the ceremony looking like he’d rather be anywhere else, he’s had well over a decade of this shite, having to listen to the ‘we are all sinners’ mantra trotted out by Jack and I don’t blame him for wanting to escape. Worse he can see his son being indoctrinated without having a chance to think or explore the world for himself and that scares him.

Sally tells Cathy she’s almost feeling sorry for Michael, it’s as if Cathy wants him off still killing people the way she’s behaving when the worst he’s done is seemingly join the God squad. Cathy doesn’t care she’s deaf to reasoned argument, at least Sally realises this and walks away. She’s had enough and wants to stay out of it, but in driving off she gets spotted by Jack, Michael and his son as they examine his car which Cathy has scratched with the words ‘cheater’ whilst she was outside the house. I know this is bad news for the friend as she’s going to be fingered as the culprit.

Cathy meets up with Sally a few days later at school, she tells Cathy she looked into his eyes and he seems ordinary, ‘you were caught in his tractor beams’ Cathy jokes (well who wouldn’t he does have such pretty eyes😊), she’s had a long talk with her husband, it’s all out in the open, and everything sorted and done and Michael is buried (not literally obviously), we know of course this is a load of bull.

Therapist again: “how does it end?”

“An eye for an eye” that’s her dream of how it goes, she wants every aspect of his life destroyed. She's on a revenge mission pure and simple, the therapist meanwhile simply pockets some more cash.

Another flashback and we discover that Michael was with a group of teenage boys, one of which was chasing after her at school and after an initial rejection she decides that kind of action is too good to ignore and they have a bit of a kiss and fumble in the back of his car one night, only to be caught by her irate brother Terry and they have a spat. First off I thought it was Michael who was kissing her but I think he was in the front of the car watching them and he tried to break up the fight? It’s rather confusing which one of them is actually Michael during the kissing scene and its aftermath.

Cathy arranges a heart to heart with Michael’s wife at the coffee shop (I just realised it’s called ‘Coffee and Crime’), I like how she manages to coax the wife to sitting down and talking about her own recent issues with Michael, ‘do we stick or do we twist?’ she asks the wife.

Whilst Cathy plants the seeds of further discontent, Michael is having an equally discomforting time with Raymie at school being taken to task about his son’s increased truancy, it’s clear he doesn’t really know what to do about it or say, his wife usually handles this stuff, he had no clue what was going on.

Michael tells Raymie he wants his son to look up to him, he admits that when he was younger he messed up, he was on the periphery of something, got involved and was punished for it. He makes it sound like he was in the wrong place at the wrong time not that he’s some cold blooded killer. We also discover that his son has no clue about his past and Michael doesn’t want to tell him until he’s older, well jesus the kid looks plenty old enough, he needs to tell him before everything goes to shit.

Meanwhile, Michael’s father-in-law is calling in a favour of a reluctant disciple, asking him to check up on the car they spotted driving off after the meeting and find out whatever else he can about her whilst he’s at it, God he’s such a dick.

Michael looks SO GOOD in that blue shirt and suit, wardrobe continue to do the most excellent work with Colin, it's simple but effective.

Is singing a big thing in Irish schools? I can’t remember ever doing that when I was at school, only at morning assembly.

Meanwhile dad has come around to poke his big fat interfering nose into his daughter’s private life and cause yet more trouble, now I’d tell him to bugger off and mind his own business and let me sort my own marriage out but she’s not that type. She’s as much under his control as Michael is and after a heart to heart, daddy says he’s going to find out what’s going on, leaving her all tearful and upset, thinking Michael’s up to no good even though she's convinced he would never have an affair. ‘He’s been straying away from the true path for some time now’ he warns, bloody hell what a nightmare, on the surface her family looks fine but it’s not.

Cathy has messaged Michael and offered a calming shoulder to cry on, he’s told her things are difficult at home but they agree to meet up for coffee, Michael’s wading into increasingly murky territory here, some flirty texting he may just about get away with if he plays his cards right but actually meeting up with that person is crossing yet another line. He knows this of course when he sits down and says ‘but we’re not doing anything wrong..ish?’ 😏 He looks so tempting.

I’m transfixed too much by the pretty to remember much of this conversation but Michael tells her about the knickers. It’s clear he still has no clue who she is but I can’t say that’s odd. She looks so different from those flashbacks, hair was long and dark, and she’s got twenty odd years on her face to grow and fill out as a woman and in any case if you’re not looking for something you tend not to see it. Why should he think it’s the same girl from when he was in his late teens whose now the woman sitting opposite him in a coffee shop intent on trying to destroy his life?

Michael gets a visit at the office from Jack who confronts him about his apparent infidelity, what a nasty git, the not so subtle threat is voiced, 'da' can take everything away from him if he misbehaves. He’s a murderer who got given a second chance by this family, no wonder he drinks, he’s so trapped and fucked he might as well be back in jail. Michael naturally has no clue who the woman was they saw at the house when dad shows him the picture, it’s kind of funny that he’s toying with doing something whilst being accused of actually already having done the deed.

We see Andrew is at home going online to search on Sally.

Is there anything worse than an overbearing, control freaky parent? Yes there is, an overbearing, control freaky religious zealot of a parent, no wonder Michael keeps a bottle of booze in his office desk at work.

Cathy is at a bar, drinking and dancing with Sally, they’re having a gals night out, she walks home afterwards to have drunken sex with her husband, they probably haven’t done it in a good while so he’s a happy bunny. Meanwhile Sally is staggering off to her house, fumbles with the keys outside her door, looks up and gets attacked by a bloke in what looks like a hoodie, he slams her head against the wall. She falls to the ground.

Michael comes home late and obviously drunk to be greeted by his wife, he says why did you tell your dad about the knickers, right then and there you see how suffocated and unhappy he feels with his home situation and I really felt for him. He sounded so broken and upset, her telling Jack their personal issues just piled on the emotional pressure.

His wife is okay but she’s too much under her dad’s influence, she notices he has cuts on the back of his hands, he says he fell over, ‘your dad is such a supersilious wanker’, he’s dead right. He also tells her he’s not having an affair and he’s not a murderer, they both head up to bed and their son appears suddenly from the lounge(?) downstairs (although wearing his black hoodie up he looks like he's dressed for outdoors) where he’s heard everything by the looks of it. Guess it’s a bit late now for Michael to have that talk Raymie suggested.

So the credits roll and we’re left with an interfering dick of a father in law convinced Michael’s having an affair, a strongly suspicious wife, his son realising his dad has a darker past than he thought, a seriously injured/possibly even dead best friend and two possible suspects in Andrew and Michael.

Despite the ending, I continue to feel sorry for Michael, I get Cathy’s upset about her brother’s early demise and seeing his apparent killer has set her spiralling but it's frustrating that two episodes in we still don’t really know what happened back then which is not making it easy to sympathise with her behaviour decades later.

Cathy’s coming over not as righteous but purely vindictive and unhinged, meanwhile Michael is struggling with an oppressively religious zealot of a father-in-law, a cowed wife and a suspicious angry son.

Religion at its worst can be like a cult, it sucks people in, steals their will power and self determination. There’s a price to pay if you try to escape, usually it means you're ostracised from family and friends, Michael was caught up in this "Brotherhood of Caleb" fairly early on by the looks of things and he’s being slowly suffocated by it.

Looking forward to catching up on Monday for the next episode and hopefully by then I'll find out some more about what Michael did to Terry.

[chickensarentcheap]

In a Heartbeat- Chapter Three

ANDOM: EXTRACTION

PAIRING: TYLER RAKE AND ESME DRUMMOND (ESTABLISHED OFC)

WARNINGS: angst. Big time angst.

SUMMARY:  Dhaka nearly ended everything before it even began.  In it’s aftermath and with Tyler’s life teetering on the threshold between life and death, Esme is about to realize just how strong she can be.  And that love happens when it happens. There’s no rules. No rhyme or reason. No timeline.  

Warnings: profanity, angst, mentions of childhood cancer and death, brief mentions of blood, brief mentions of gun violence, brief mentions of depression and anxiety

Link to Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/48691714/chapters/127504024

Tagging: @tragiclyhip @youflickedtooharddamnit @secretaryunpaid @munstysmind @themaradwrites @ninjasawakenedmystar @asirensrage @residentdormouse @kmc1989 @karimac @arrthurpendragon @ocappreciationtag @occommunity @alisbackalleybbq @thebewingedjewelcat

****

One week later

“Tell me about the place. In Austria.”

His eyes are closed as he speaks, and his voice is low and quiet. It has started to lose the raspiness; a side effect from the irritation caused by prolonged dependency on life support. And while every day his wakeful periods increase, the weakness continues to ebb and flow: brief bouts of having the strength to attempt to feed himself mixed with moments of barely being able to lift his head from his pillow.

During those tough and trying times, he wears his emotions so plainly upon his face: the frustration that comes with the inability to properly hold utensils and the embarrassment that follows when she’s quick to tend to him. Always so patient as she does; never complaining or viewing him as a burden as she carefully and gently spoons soup or oatmeal into his mouth or holds the straw in place as he sips from a cup of ice water. And each time, it leaves him wondering what he’d ever done to deserve someone like her. A woman whose heart is so much larger than her diminutive frame; loving with every ounce of her body and soul.

Regardless of whether she receives the same -or even close to it- in return.

“You WERE able to hear me.”

“I don’t know if I heard everything you said, but I heard a lot. What I can remember, anyway.”

There’s a faint, audible squeak as she pushes her chair away from the side of the bed. “I probably annoyed the shit out of you, huh? Just talk, talk, talk, talk. I bet you were just dying to tell me to shut the fuck up.”

“Why would I ever tell you that?”

“Because I’m a chatty Cathy and you’re not. You’re a man of few words. I’m a woman of many.”

“Well, what’s that saying? Opposites attract?”

“We are about as opposite as you can get,” Esme muses. “In EVERY way. We make a pretty odd couple, you know. I mean, let’s start with the obvious. The enormous size difference.”

“I’ve only got a foot and three inches on you.”

Giving a small laugh, she perches herself on the edge of the bed. “‘Only,’ he says.”

“And about a hundred pounds.” His eyes flicker open as one of his hands comes to rest on his stomach; brow immediately furrowing. “Okay, maybe not that much NOW.”

“I wouldn’t stress too much about it. You’ll put the pounds back on in no time. I’ve seen the way you eat.”

A grin tugs at the corners of his mouth.

“And you haven’t lost THAT much muscle tone. The way YOU fight when the personal support worker tries to get you out of bed to take a shower? You’re like a man possessed. All those months in a coma, and you’ve suddenly got the strength of five grown men.”

“I don’t want his help. I don’t want some guy holding me up while I take a shower. It’s…I don’t know…wrong.”

“Tyler…” She clasps one of his hands in both of hers.. “...it’s his job. Impressive as it is, your dick isn’t the first he’s seen. And it won’t be the last.”

“I don’t give a shit. I don’t like it. The idea of it. So if you can’t do it, I’ll go a week without showering if I have to.”

“You’d be pretty damn ripe, that’s for sure. I was there, remember? In that warehouse. In that sewer. At Gaspar’s before you took a shower. I distinctly remember what you smelled like. And believe me, it wasn’t pleasant.”

“You didn’t complain about it then.”

“I was too in lust to think anything bad about you. You smelled like a man. MY man.”

“And now?”

“And now we’ve gotten past the honeymoon stage of being scared to insult one other. We’re in the comfort zone now; we’re able to say whatever we want without hurting feelings.”

“You’ve gotten past the honeymoon stage. You’ve had six more months than I have.”

“Through no fault of your own. And you still smell like a man. MY man. Just a much more pleasant version. I have to say, it’s pretty delicious; the whole coconut and honey and milk thing you’ve got going on. I’m starting to understand why you like it so much. Why you used to sniff my hair when I was sleeping. In Dhaka.”

“I never ONCE did that.”

“You admitted to it. When we had that fight.”

“I never said I sniffed your hair. Or you in general. I said I wanted you to stick close to me. So close I could smell your hair.”

“Mmmhmmm. Sure. You may have said that, but it’s not what you meant. You were just being a total creeper, weren’t you? While I was asleep.”

“If you only knew the things I would do while you were sleeping next to me.”

“Oh, I know the dirty things you were up to, young man. I wasn’t asleep EVERY time.” She laughs when a blush creeps into his cheeks; spreading along the line of his jaw and down onto his neck and all the way to the tips of his ears. And she leans in to peck the corner of his mouth; palm gently cupping his cheek when he turns his face into hers and kisses her in earnest. A long, dreamy sigh escaping her lips when she pulls away; her eyes closing and her nails lightly scratching at his beard as she rests her forehead against his.

He’s surprised by how much he enjoys it. How much he enjoys HER. The sound of her voice and her laugh, the familiar scent that clings to her hair and clothes, the touch of her hand and the taste of her lips. It’s profound and all-consuming; the depth of his feelings and the strengths of his wants and his needs. Emotions he’d long thought dead the moment he’d condemned himself to a life of solitude; punishing himself for the horrendous mistake he had made and opting to live the rest of his existence drowning himself in booze and painkillers while wallowing in grief, regret, and tremendous self-hatred.

It was what he deserved, after all. For abandoning his wife and child when they needed him the most. It was a loathsome, vile, and completely unforgivable thing he'd done; showing up at the hospital to say goodbye and not even having the courage to even go into the room. And only a monster would betray his own child like that; allow himself to be seen lingering in the hallway and then witnessed callously turning his back and walking away.

He’d been desperate for it to all end. The guilt and the regret and the profound grief that he just couldn’t shake. Lacking the courage to pull the courage himself, he’d instead prayed for a different ending; hoping he’d find himself in the direct path of a sniper’s bullet. Although he had briefly considered just staying in the water that day; simply allowing his air to run out and surrendering himself to the darkness that had haunted him since the day he’d walked away from his son.

But something had told him that it wasn’t his time yet; he still had unfinished business to tend to. He didn’t understand it, nor did he bother to question it; instead, he listened and obeyed and headed home. And within an hour, he’d discover the reason he was meant to continue his journey. All five feet, a hundred and ten pounds of it.

He wants to be better for her; willing to commit to whatever it takes to be the man that she already sees him as. Someone that she can be proud of and show off and brag about. The kind of partner that she wants and needs. And deserves.

He just doesn’t know where to begin.

She pecks the bridge of his nose and pulls further away. One hand still tightly gripping his as she reaches out with the other to clear wayward strands of hair out of his eyes and off his forehead. “What do you want to know? About the place in Austria?”

“I don’t know. Everything, I guess.”

“Well, it’s in the middle of nowhere. Rural Gmunden. VERY rural. And it’s just a little place; a cabin, more or less. There’s two decent size bedrooms, an open-concept kitchen, living room, and one and a half bathrooms. It’s pretty dated, though; I don’t think it’s been renovated or re-decorated in about twenty years. But we can worry about all of that once we’re in there and you’re back on your feet. STEADILY.”

“Whenever that’ll be.”

“It looks so beautiful, Tyler. Where it is. Surrounded by mountains and trees. And there’s a little lake practically right out the front door. We can fish and swim. Maybe even skate once it freezes over.”

He arches a brow.

“Okay, so I’LL skate. You can just hang out on the sidelines. And bring me hot chocolate. With tons of marshmallows and whipped cream. And maybe even coconut shavings on the top of it all.”

“Whatever you want. I’ll make you all the hot chocolate in the world. All day long. But you’re not getting me on skates. I just got my knee replaced. Let’s not take a chance and blow it out, yeah? ‘Cause I could do without another hospital stay. For the rest of my life.”

“You and me both, buddy. It’s been an adventure. To say the least. It’s almost over, though; it won’t be too much longer. And I know we’re going to love this place. It’s tucked away and it’s quaint and it’s cozy and it’s perfect for two people that are still in that ‘getting to know you’ stage. Mind you, most don’t immediately jump into living together, but…”

“I’m sure we’ll manage. I’m sure I won’t drive you completely insane the first week. I can’t make any promises about the second, though.”

“I think we’ll do just fine. If we can co-exist in that shitty little hotel room in Dhaka, I think we’ll be able to handle things in paradise.”

“Your definition of paradise is a lot different than normal people.”

“It’s nature at its best. Its most beautiful. I can’t think of anything better than that.”

“I keep forgetting. You’re a ‘freezing your balls off’ kind of weather girl.”

“I promise you that your balls will remain exactly where they are. I think it’ll be good for us; being away from noise and chaos and tons of people. And you were living like that before I ever came along. Not to mention you were completely alone. At least this time, you’ll have company. Unless…” Her eyes narrow as she quickly drops his hand. “...this is some passive-aggressive attempt on your part to say you don’t WANT company. Especially MY company.”

Heaving a sigh of disdain, he casts a scowl in her direction. “You really didn’t just say that.”

“I mean, a girl likes to know where she stands. And it’s not that we've been able to really talk about this kind of thing and…”

“You think you’d still be here if I didn’t want you to be? That if I didn’t want you here, I wouldn’t have just told you to ‘fuck off’ already?”

“Like, could be passive-aggressive or…”

“I don’t do ‘passive aggressive’. I know we haven’t known each other that long, but that should’ve been pretty damn obvious from the start.”

“You’ve got a point there. You’re nothing if not honest. Brutally, at times.”

“With you?” He scowls, trying to wrack his brain for a time and place. A moment -within the past week or even during their time in Dhaka- that he’d been unintentionally cruel to her; a moment when he may have been frustrated or tired and taken it out on the wrong person. Of all the people in the world who don’t deserve that treatment, it's her; all the patience and tenderness she continues to show and that assertive, tenacious way in which she fights for what’s best for him.

“You tried to choke me out,” she reminds him. “In Dhaka.”

“That’s not what I was trying to do.”

“But first, you threw a temper tantrum. When we got back to the hotel. You totally lost it on me, remember? Just completely pulled rank and flipped out and expected to get away with it.”

“Well, if you had just listened to me…”

“I don’t listen to ANY man. You’re not special.”

He smirks.

“Okay, MAYBE you are. Just a little bit special. But don’t let it go to your head, okay? Because I’m not afraid to put you back in your place.”

“You know, you’re awfully cocky for someone so tiny. Someone I can pick up and put in my pocket and carry around all day.”

“It’s always the little ones though, isn’t it? That you really have to watch out for? That cause the most trouble?”

“In your case? Yes.”

“I bring only the best possible trouble.”

“Yeah? And what’s the best possible kind of trouble?”

“The one that comes with blow jobs and orgasms. What better kind of trouble could there be?”

“Don’t talk like that. It’s going to be a while. Before anything like THAT happens. Hope you realize you’re in for a long wait.���

“How long could it possibly be? Months? I’ve already lasted six. I think I can handle a couple more.”

“What if it’s even more than that? Before things are working again?”

“Jokes on you, buddy. I’ve gone a lot longer than that without. I’ve gone YEARS. Besides, there’s more than one way to skin a cat. I’ve got two hands. I know how to order toys off the internet. You’ll just have to learn how to use them. I’m sure we can teach an old dog some new tricks.”

“You’re an evil little human, you know that?”

“However long it is, I’m sure we’ll both survive. We’ve gone this long, haven’t we?”

“I didn’t really have a choice. I wasn’t exactly conscious. You, on the other hand, stuck in a place with all kinds of single doctors. I’m sure you could have found one to…”

“You were in a coma and I wasn’t interested. I know how good the goods actually are. And believe me, they’re well worth the wait. And as far as this living in Austria thing…”

“Not this again. I don’t know what more you want for me. What else you need me to say.”

“I just want to make sure that we are on the same page. A girl likes to know where she stands. Especially when it comes to a guy. And if I’m just yapping on like a stupid bitch and you don’t want me there…”

“I can’t imagine NOT having you there. I didn’t know you needed me to say it. Or that you wanted me to ask you to come along. I guess I just assumed you knew. I thought it was pretty obvious; considering everything that’s happened in the past six months…”

“Sometimes women like to feel wanted. They like to HEAR it. They want to know they’re needed.”

“Believe me, you’re needed.”

Smiling, she leans in to peck the corner of his mouth; giving a small, startled squeal and then a musical giggle when a hand aggressively seizes the nape of her neck. A long, content sigh escaping her when he kisses her in earnest.

God, how she’d missed it; the taste of his lips and the delicious scratch of his beard against her skin. It had been so long; since they’d been able to share any of the most innocent and simplest forms of intimacy. And while she knows the wait will be long until they can finally venture further, she also knows -from first-hand experience- that it will be more than worth it.

******

“Mmmm…” She’s smiling as she pulls away. “That was…nice.”

“That’s it? ‘Nice’? For the first REAL kiss in six months? I spend half a year in a coma and put in all the hard work to wake up and all I get is ‘that was NICE’?”

“It was very nice,” she assures him, and presses a kiss to the top of his nose. Her eyes closing as she rests her forehead against his, and a hand reaches up to toy with his thick, unruly dirty blond tresses. It’s growing on her; the extra length and how it curls around his ears at the nape of his neck and the way it falls across his forehead.

“I need a haircut.”

“As soon as you’re released, we’ll get you to a barber. Or get one to come to you. Clean you up a bit.”

“For what it’s worth, you did a pretty good job. Keeping things under control.”

She laughs. “A hair stylist and beautician, I am not. But at least you don’t look completely homeless.”

“You did alright. I think I’ll keep you on the payroll.”

“Yeah? And what’s the hourly rate?”

“No actual pay. Just benefits.”

“And just what kind of benefits are we talking about?”

“The best possible kind. The only kind that matters, actually.”

Grinning, she affectionately ruffles his hair and then moves to the bedside table, winking at him as she lifts the remains of a takeout cup of tea to her lips. “You’re going to have a lot of benefits to hand out when you’re finally feeling up to it.”

“Well, hopefully, it’s sooner rather than later, yeah? For both of us? Keep our fingers crossed that it won’t stretch on until we’re both really old and really gray and I can’t get it up for other reasons?”

“Don’t worry, baby. If that ever happens, I’ll slip Viagra in your prune juice.”

“If I ever need that stuff, you have my full permission to shoot me in the head. With a very large calibre bullet.”

“Sorry, no can do. I like having you around too much. For reasons that far surpass your ability to…what’s a delicate way of putting it…pitch a tent.”

“You can’t tell me you’d be happy if it never happened again.”

“I wouldn’t be thrilled. I mean, I’d miss it. Being with you in the biblical sense. But it wouldn’t be the end of the world. I’m not solely with you because of your penis.”

“Solely?” He smirks. “So what you’re saying is that it plays a part.”

“I’m saying you have a very nice penis. And you know how to use it. Boy…” Sighing, she swallows the last of her tea. “...do you EVER know how to use it.”

“You’re not making me feel any better here.”

“Look, I’m with you for your body AND your brains.”

“Sure you are…”

“You can’t fault me for enjoying what you bring to the table. Maybe if you weren’t so good at certain things…”

“First you say shit like ‘that was nice’ and now you have the balls to complain about my skills? You certainly didn’t have a problem with them in Dhaka. When you were pulling my hair and biting my neck and shoulders and telling me to…”

“The only complaint I have is that we didn’t get longer than five days. Through no fault of your own, by the way. A bullet to the neck can really spoil the mood.”

“Technically speaking, I was actually shot six times.”

“And yet here you are, alive and well. And…” she shoots him a wink. “...already being an enormous pain in my ass.”

“I’m kinda bitter about things, too,” he admits. “That I only got five days to prove myself worthy. I never even got the chance to bring out the really big guns.”

“Oh, I’ve seen and experienced the REALLY big gun. It’s been six months and I’m still not walking properly.”

“I’m talking skills-wise. I didn’t give everything away. In Dhaka. I’ve still got a few tricks up my sleeve.”

“That are even better than the ones you already spoiled me with?”

“I mean, I’m my opinion, yeah.”

Frowning, she dramatically slams her empty cup down on the bedside table. “Now who’s the evil one? I can’t believe you have the goddamn audacity to tell me something like that! Especially when you know I have to wait Lord knows how long to find out if you’re bullshitting or not!”

“Doesn’t really matter, does it? Even if I did have the strength and the energy, it would be impossible. I still have a tube up my dick so I can take a piss.”

“Look on the bright side! You’ll be graduating to a bedpan soon.”

“Lucky me!”

“Does it soften the blow if I promise to wipe and powder your ass REALLY well afterwards?”

“Don’t make me call security and have you thrown out of here.”

“You should consider it both a privilege and a blessing that I’d even consider it, let alone do it. I don’t just wipe the ass of every man I know.”

“That’s not what I heard. I’m not the only one that has a rep in this circle.”

Smirking, she tosses the empty cup in his direction. “You cheeky fuck.”

He watches her as she tidies up the bedside table. Busily clearing away the remnants of that afternoon’s cafeteria-purchased lunch, the scissors, comb and nail clippers that she’d used to ‘tidy him up,’ followed by one many magazines she’d purchased the evening before at the gift shop. And the pen and pad she’d procured in order to let him doodle and scribble; a simple exercise for fine motor skills that wouldn’t take too much thought or strength and wouldn’t tire him out. At times resorting to providing ‘hand over hand’ support; when his movements became fluid and precise and needed a bit more control.

The admiration runs deep. And constant. This tiny, incredible woman that had been dropped into his life and showed no desire to leave. Her dark hair thrown up into a messy bun; loose tendrils brushing against the nape of her neck and dangling down the sides of her face. That petite frame clad in a jumpsuit; one of many outfits Nik had brought her within the past month alone. The shade of orange sorbet; the simple, smooth cotton boasting white and yellow pinstripes. And with no makeup gracing her features, he can clearly see the freckles that decorate the bridge of her nose and spread onto the tops of her cheeks. Making her look years younger.

“You’re beautiful.”

A slight blush creeps into her cheeks as a smile curves her lips. “I look like shit. But I appreciate you trying to boost my confidence.”

“You couldn’t look like shit even if you tried.”

Her smile broadens. “Those meds they have you on must be really good. You’re hallucinating.”

“I am completely lucid.”

“So you’re biased, then.”

“Just take a compliment, would ya?”

“Thank you. I still think you’re biased, though.”

“Maybe I am. Just a little bit. Doesn’t make it less true, though.”

Holding up a styrofoam cup of ice water, she raises a brow as she waves it in his direction. And when shakes his head, she returns it to the table before once more taking a seat on the edge of the bed. Regarding him with adoration as she reaches out to push the hair off his forehead and out of his eyes before once more taking one of his hands in both of hers)

“I’m sorry.”

She trails a fingertip along the scar that graces the bridge of his nose. “For what?”

“I got a little shitty. With you. I don’t mean to get that way. Especially with you.”

“I think you’re entitled to your less than sun-shiney moments. I mean, you were shot more than half a dozen times, you were clinically dead, spent six months in a coma, and you have a tube in your dick so that you can go to the bathroom. I think you’ve earned your right to be ‘a little shitty’ from time to time.”

“I don’t mean to get grumpy. Not with you, anyway.”

“Tyler, let’s be totally honest here. You were grumpy long before any of this ever happened.”

“I really will have you kicked out of here.”

“Bullshit, you will. You’d miss me way too much.”

“I would, actually. I really would.”

Smiling, she leans in to peck his lips.

“How long do you think it’s going to be? The whole being released thing.”

“I don’t know. They haven’t even given me an estimate, let alone an exact number of days. Gotta give it some time; you’ve only been conscious for a little more than a week. It’s going to take a bit.”

“Shouldn’t I be farther ahead than this? They haven’t even tried getting me the fuck outta this bed. I can’t lie here forever. Just going insane, staring at the fucking walls.”

“You’re not ready to get out of bed.” She keeps her voice gentle and soothing. Patient. I know you THINK you are, but you’re just not there yet. Like I said; you were clinically dead and in a coma for half a year. You lost weight and muscle tone and it’s going to take a while to get any of that back; to build up your strength and your stamina.”

“It’s just hard, you know. Being this way. I’m not used to this. Being this weak. This pathetic.”

“You’re not weak OR pathetic. You’re recovering. From one hell of an ordeal. Believe me, you are in way better shape and are healing a lot faster than most people would. Don’t rush things, alright? I know it’s frustrating; being stuck in bed. But your body is healing. Let it do its thing.”

“Can’t it do its thing any faster?”

“It happens WHEN it happens. You’re just going to make things worse; if you try and do too much. The more you force it, the bigger the setback will be if something goes wrong. I don’t want that for you. Complications keeping you in here even longer than you need to be.”

“I just feel like they’re wasting time. They could be working on things. Working on ME.”

“Babe, the first -and last time- they tried, do you remember what happened? How bad it went?”

He nods.

“You refused to use the walker for balance and wouldn’t let them help you and you fell. Flat on your face. And you ended up with six stitches in your forehead and a concussion to show for it. Can we NOT have a repeat of that, please?”

“I can’t live like this. Stuck in bed, completely fucking useless. I can’t…”

“This isn’t a permanent thing, Tyler. Sometimes it may seem like there’s no end in sight, but I promise you; you’re not going to spend the rest of your life like this. It’s just a setback. A little detour. And a year from now, we’ll look back on and find something to laugh about.”

“It’ll probably be about me falling on my face. You probably laugh about that already. When I’m asleep.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I’m laughing WITH you. Not at you.”

He scowls.

“I’m kidding. Obviously. I would never laugh about that. But I am telling you right now, you fall on the ice in Austria? I will be in absolute fucking hysterics. I’ll be on the ground and everything. Just dying. Peeing my pants and all. Because that shit is funny.”

“You really ARE evil.”

“I promise I will not laugh at any of your misfortunes. At least not out loud.”

A grin plays at the corners of his mouth. “Fuck off, Esme.”

“We both know you don’t mean that. You’d hate it if I weren’t around. I keep things interesting.”

“That’s one way of putting it.”

Leaning in, she pushes a hand through his hair and presses a kiss to his forehead). “Listen, you’re doing great, okay? Everyone here? They didn’t expect you to even breathe on your own once they took you off the machines. And yeah, you need some help and it’s a struggle to do even the simplest of things, but you’ve got a lot of time left, Tyler Rake. To re-learn what you need to. To get your feet back under you. You shouldn’t even be on this side of the ground. But here you are. ALIVE.”

He sighs. Tears brimming his eyes as he considers her words.

“I know it’s frustrating; someone like you being cooped up like this. You’re so used to being able to rely on your body and your skills and your instincts and all of that. But you paid one hell of a price back on that bridge. For your mistakes. But you know what? You’ve made your amends. The slate’s been wiped clean. And now it’s time to rest. Believe me, you’ve earned that.”

“Have I?”

“Yes, you have. You have more than earned it. And now that we’re talking about more serious stuff…”

“I don’t think I like the sound of that.”

“Your primary nurse and I were talking; about how drastic your mood changes can be. How quickly you can go from chatty and upbeat to just downright…well…how can I put this? You can go from being friendly and cute to being a miserable fucking prick in two seconds flat.”

“Not with you.”

“You’re never like that with me. Probably because you know how fast I’ll put you in your place. But no one else can even get close to you without having their head bitten right off. They’re just doing their jobs. They’re trying to help you.”

“I don’t want their help. I have you.”

“But I’m not a professional. I’m not a nurse or a therapist or a doctor. I can only do so much, you know? But these people? They get paid to take care of you. And other people like you. They have the experience. So let them use it, okay? You have to trust them, Tyler.”

He shakes his head.

“They’re not the enemy. They aren’t here to hurt you. They’re here to HELP you. I mean, you trust ME, right?”

“With my life.”

“Then trust everything I’m saying. Let them help you. The sooner you comply and you let them do their jobs, the sooner you’ll get out of here. So if you’re not going to do it for yourself, do it for ME. Because I don’t want to see you hurting yourself or complicating things. I want you out of there just as badly as you want to be out here.”

“And these meds? That they want me to take?”

“It’s a combination. Of an anti-depressant and an anxiety med.”

“I’m not crazy.”

“No, you’re not. You’re sick. You’re healing. And what you went through? It was very traumatic. And it would fuck with anyone’s head. I was there. I saw everything. I know how bad it was for me, let alone you. If it helps, I’m on meds.”

“You are? When? When did that happen?”

“About three months after we got here. I fought the idea, too. I kept telling everyone I was fine. That I was just tired and stressed and worried. And if it wasn’t for Nik and Yaz nagging the shit out of me every day? About MY moods? Who knows where I’d be now. Probably completely insane.”

“So I AM a burden. To you.”

“No! No! That’s not what I said. And it’s not what I think. It’s the situation. It’s hard; seeing the person you care about go through something like this. And not just the coma and the ‘will he or won’t he’ when it came to dying. But what happened on that bridge; the things I saw and the things I had to do. It was a horrible, horrible thing to witness. And none of it was your fault.”

“If I had done things differently. That first night. If I hadn’t called Gaspar…”

“No. We are NOT doing that. We’re NOT playing the ‘what if’ game. Because it won’t lead to anywhere good. You did the best you could. You made the decisions you had to make. And no one is questioning that or blaming you for the outcome. Especially not me.”

“And these meds will help?”

“It’ll take a few weeks; to really notice the difference. And sometimes you have to try a couple of different kinds. But yeah, they will. They’ll help you. And that’s all I’m trying to do. Get you help?”

“If you keep taking yours, I’ll do it. I’ll take them.”

“Perfect!” She lightly tousles his hair. “Teamwork! We can be accountability buddies. Was it really that hard? To agree?”

“It hurt. A lot.”

“Smart ass. Now…” She kisses each corner of his mouth, followed by his lips, and then slides off the bed. “...you need some rest. You’ve been up a long time. The longest you’ve stayed awake since coming out of the coma.”

“I’m not tired.”

“Well, I am. I am in desperate need of a nap. So I’ll take on the chair, you take on in your bed. I mean, I’d climb in there with you if I could. But I don’t think that would go over well with your doctors. So…”

He snags her by hand when she turns away, fingertips pressing into her skin in order to capture her full attention. “Did you mean what you said?”

“When? You’re going to have to be a little more specific. I say A LOT, in case you haven’t noticed.”

“I heard what you said. Right before I woke up. The whole ‘love’ thing. Did you mean it?”

“I did. I DO.”

“I was wondering if maybe you just said it because of the situation you were in. It was a hell of a thing you went through, too. Not to mention you put your entire life on hold for a guy you barely knew. Fought for him to get the care he needed. Didn’t give up on him like everything else did.”

“I knew you were fighting your back. I also knew you needed time to do it. I wasn’t going to let them win. They were not taking you off that machine until you were good and ready.”

“Thought maybe it was all that…all the stress and the fear and whatnot…that made you say what you did.”

“I meant it, Tyler. I meant it then and I mean it now. And I needed to get it out there. Into the universe. You needed to hear it and I needed to say it.”

“I even thought maybe I imagined it. I’m still not sure what was real and what wasn’t. When it comes to stuff I heard. If I actually DID hear it or my brain just made it up.”

“You heard. It was real. And I don’t regret saying it. I needed to be honest with you and myself. So…” She shrugs. “...I was. And look, I don’t expect anything from you in return, okay? I don’t want you to feel pressured into saying it back. I know that it’s all so crazy. We haven’t known each other that long, and really, minus the time here, we only spent five days together. So don’t think you have to spare my feelings, alright? You don’t HAVE to say it back.”

“Esme…”

“I didn’t tell you to get another in return, is what I’m saying. I did because I felt it and I needed to say it out loud, you know? To really make it real. You probably think I’m totally nuts. Or that I’m some kind of weird, obsessive stalker or something; falling in love that quickly. But I swear; I am normal. Well, as normal as you can get, considering…”

“Esme…”

“You just take your time, okay? Don’t rush on my account. I can’t wait as long as it takes. Until you’re feeling the same thing. I can wait to hear it. Because I want it to be real when you do. Not just something you’re saying to make me happy.”

“Esme…” He tightly squeezes her hand to grab her attention. “...can I get a word in here?”

“Sorry. I ramble. When I’m nervous. I’m sure you noticed that already. In Dhaka. The morning after we…you know…the first time. And I was worried you were regretting it and that you were going to tell me it was a huge mistake and that it was NEVER going to happen again…”

“I love you.”

She takes a sharp inhale of breath, then releases it shakily. Her free hand coming up to her face; fingers fidgeting with the loose tendrils of hair that brushes against her left cheek. “Don’t say that. Not unless you mean it. I’ve had that happen before; someone saying it and getting my hopes up only to totally ruin me. In more ways than one.”

“I’m not him. I’m not anything like him.”

“I know that. I do. But when you get used to something, it’s hard to expect anything else. And that’s not a slight on you, believe me. It’s all me.”

“I’m saying it because it’s true. You should know by now; I don’t say shit unless I mean it.”

“Not even in a circumstance like this? To someone who’s spent half a year at your bedside? Taking care of you? Not even then?”

“Not even then. Not under ANY circumstance.”

“You REALLY mean?”

“I really mean it.”

“People are going to think we’re nuts. I’m sure a lot already do. Or at least they think I am. Giving up my entire life for a guy I barely knew. Falling in love with him so fast. Don’t you think it sounds crazy? That it SEEMS crazy? To feel this way so soon?”

“All I know is that it feels right. And that’s another thing you should know by now. I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks.”

“You do march to the beat of your own drum.”

“Who cares what people say? It’s just ‘cause they don’t understand it. ‘Cause it’s never happened to them. I sure as hell never thought it was possible; feeling this much, this soon.”

With a firm grip on his hand, she sinks down onto the edge of the bed. “It’s scary. How quickly this is all happening. It’s not normal, is it?”

“If you really think about…how we met and how things happened and everything on that bridge…you’d realize you and I are far from normal.”

“So what now? Now we’re both feeling it? Now that we’ve both said it?”

“We go to Austria. Shack up in that little cabin. And hope for the best. I might drive you crazy after a couple of months.”

“I’ve dealt with crazier than you, Tyler Rake. What if I drive YOU nuts?”

“You’re already there.”

Laughing, she leans in to peck his lips. “Asshole.”

Reaching up, he loops strands of hair behind her ears, then tightly grips the nape of her neck. “We just get to Austria, shut out the rest of the world, and take things one day at a time.”

She smiles. “Sounds good to me.”

“But first, I gotta get the fuck out here. And…” Lifting the blanket, he scowls as he nods down at the remaining tubes attached to his broken body. “...we get this tube out of my fucking dick.”

[jacquelinemerritt]

Queer Media Review: But I’m A Cheerleader (1999)

Originally posted September 16th, 2016

A tonally mismatched, endearing cult classic.

This review is part of a weekly series of pieces on queer and trans media. See them all here!

Jamie Babbit’s1 first feature film, But I’m A Cheerleader, has, in the years following its release, become something of a classic piece of queer representative media. It frequently tops recommendation lists of films about queer people that don’t end in tragedy (lists that are far shorter than they have any right to be), and it is a film I have heard described as “quintessentially lesbian.”

This film’s status as an iconic lesbian film baffles me. Cheerleader is not a bad film, per se, but it is, in almost every way possible, a sleazy teen comedy that attempts to mine humor out of an incredibly traumatic and horrifying scenario (namely, being sent off to a gay conversion camp). That designation isn’t inherently negative; the same can be said of the original American Pie and John Tucker Must Die, and both of those films are entertaining because they revel in just how sleazy they can be. If But I’m A Cheerleader had committed to reveling in the sleaziness of turning the trauma of conversion therapy in a light comedy, then it might have succeeded on those (less than savory terms.

But Cheerleader is caught in between two worlds. At its core, it’s a film that wants to be a down to earth romance about good people finding love in a dark situation, but that core is constantly at odds with the low-brow humor and unintelligent satire that fills nearly every scene. It never attempts to examine the absurdity inherent to its scenario, and the only clear statement it makes about conversion therapy is that it’s ineffective, which is as obvious a statement on the matter as a film could make. The film also has a wildly inconsistent visual language2, frequently switching between bland stationary shots and handheld tracking shots for no apparent reason, only to return to its bland cinematography a moment later.

And yet, despite all of those flaws, I still rather enjoyed watching Cheerleader. Even with all the poorly designed sleaze surrounding it, the emotional core of Cheerleader is damn compelling, presenting us with a slowly budding romance between two highly likable characters.

That solid emotional core is established early-on through Megan (Natasha Lyonne, of Orange is the New Black fame), a very sympathetic protagonist who is confused about her own sexuality. She frequently fantasizes about her fellow cheerleaders while making out with her boyfriend, and she has a picture of a bikini clad woman in her locker, contrasted with her friend whose locker is adorned with a male model. When she’s ambushed by her friends and parents (in one of the few good uses of visual storytelling, I might add), she’s completely blindsided by them, and she quickly submits to their demands that she attend conversion therapy, despite her beliefs that none of the “evidence” presented was abnormal or confirmed her supposed “homosexuality.”

Megan’s cluelessness and empathy make her romance with Graham (Clea DuVall), another attendee at the conversion therapy camp, all the more believable, as their coupling is treated as a subtle slow, burn. We see them holding hands and touching each other, carefully avoiding the watchful gaze of Mary Brown (Cathy Moriarty), the camp’s strict headmistress. There’s a clear understanding of the danger of their budding relationship in the film, as when Graham deflects suspicion off of their rebellion by claiming to have a crush on Joel (Joel Michaely), a gay Jewish man also attending the camp, Megan is never shown to be jealous of the affection he’s receiving (she even takes a chance to stare flirtatiously at Graham while she’s holding hands with Joel).

The film also does challenge one idea, and that’s the idea that gender expression and fulfillment of gender roles are connected to or determinate of sexuality, though it does so with mixed results. Early on, there’s a scene where the characters must all think about and confess what the “root” of their homosexuality is, and one of the men at the camp claims that his mother allowing him to wear her pumps was the single experience in his life that led to his same-gender attraction. The film wants to paint this as the ridiculous connection that it is, but its strength is lost because so many of the film’s jokes rely on the association between gay men and femininity.3

The film is more successful in challenging stereotypes about sexuality and gender when the masculine presenting Jan (Katrina Phillips) storms out of a group therapy session, upset that her love of softball and unconventional looks have led to her attending the camp despite the fact that she has always been fully and exclusively attracted to men. Her rejection of the camp’s attempt to foist femininity onto her rings true thanks to Phillips’ compelling performance and the film’s lack of insistence that masculinity in women is in any way indicative of same-gender attraction (an acknowledgement that is present in the film’s title).

The ending of the film, despite being rather annoyingly cutesy, is fairly compelling as well, setting up a scenario in which one of the members of the lead couple is about to “graduate” from the camp, and the other must fulfill a wish the graduating partner made in order to convince her to run away with her. It’s an incredibly sweet gesture, and their relationship is given a satisfying conclusion, capping off the film with passionate kisses and annoyingly chipper music. That this scene works despite its presentation is a testament to Babbit’s strength as a director (of actors) and Natasha Lyonne’s strength as an actress, as the two of them sell the emotion of the scene that would otherwise be drowned out by a bad pop musical score.

Such a tonally conflicted, endearing scene is arguably the perfect ending to this film.

Rating: 3.5/5

But I’m A Cheerleader can be rented and purchased on iTunes or streamed via Xfinity.

Critical Eye Criticism is the work of Jacqueline Merritt, a trans woman, filmmaker, and critic. You can support her continued film criticism addiction on Patreon.

1While Babbit hasn’t directed many features of significant acclaim since But I’m A Cheerleader, she has gone on to become a rather prolific TV comedy director, specializing in smaller, character-driven comedies such as Gilmore Girls (for which she directed eighteen episodes), Malcolm in the Middle, and more recently working on hit comedies like Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Silicon Valley (she even directed one of the best episodes of Supergirl’s first season!) All of this to say, she’s got a rather impressive body of work behind her, and it would not be surprising if her name were to show up on a highly successful feature comedy sometime in the near future.

2Bonus points if you caught the reference.

3These jokes are made in spite of the film’s inclusion of Dolph (Dante Basco), a varsity wrestler whose masculinity is never in question, and Larry (Richard Moll), an “ex-ex-gay” who looks like a lumberjack right down to the flannel.