#DID isnt the only dissociative disorder out there- get diagnosed on other places than damn tiktok christ almighty

[teensie]

when is everyone gonna stop pretending they got DID?

[traumabrained]

(cw: possible emotional abuse?) so hello, sorry to bother you, but this has been bothering me for some time now. when I was younger, my mom used to shout/aggressively say things about me not socializing enough and not having friends. she's often threatened to send me away to catholic school/juvie for things that i don't remember, and i think she's threatened to chop off my hand but that might not be true? (1/7)

she's also threatened to send me to mental institutions because i was "crazy and not normal." after i broke down and cried when i was 11, she sent me to therapy then got mad that i didn't recover fast enough (i kinda understand though it's expensive). i also remember being hit a few times but i don't think it was abuse just cultural differences (im asian). i don't think she wants to hurt me. (2/7)

i think i might have provoked her and kinda deserved it and after a majority of these incidences she was usually very sorry and either offered to let me hit her back to even the score or something or bought me things as an apology. (3/7)

all of this mostly stopped, i think, after a particularly large incident that involved me snapping and i think that scared her. but i feel that im acting like a spoiled sheltered brat because she does so much for me and im worried that im exaggerating or being too sensitive. i don't know if i love her it feels so awful to say that but i don't even think i want to. is this abuse? i don't know if i can call it that as it doesn't seem severe enough. (4/7)

this next part is going to sound completely crazy and i feel like a freak. i don't think i have ptsd or anything like that, but i feel like a toddler trapped in an adult body. i feel like in the present i think about incidents happening not necessarily to me, but an alternate version of me or a completely different person. (5/7)

whenever the actually incident or a situation that i created in my head would happen i retreat to sort of a fantasy world, where im either myself or another person, usually a child or an adult body with a child-like mind. (6/7)

i create one or two adult figures, always male, and they can be the same people over a certain period of time, who are kind of like a alternate family where they're both super loving and sweet. usually in these imaginary incidences they're cradling and trying to comfort me. is there a name for this? (7/7)

to answer your first question, this is absolutely abuse. regardless of your culture, and regardless of whether she “offers to let you hit her to even the score”, she is abusing you. there’s no excuse for hitting a child--they are defenseless. they can do absolutely nothing to prevent it or to fight back. most of the time they didnt even know better than to do whatever they are being punished for. and even if you did take your mom up on the offer and hit her back--that doesn’t nullify the abuse. she still hit you. she still has power over you. if anything, it’s a guilt trip tactic so you feel bad about what she did. 

and it doesn’t matter how much she looks like she regrets it. it still happened. she isnt doing jack shit to stop herself from doing it again.

and additionally--you didn’t deserve any of what she did. if a child is acting out, they’re doing it because something is wrong, and the only solution to that is to help them fix the problem. nothing else. even something as little as putting your kid in “time out” because they’re hyperactive or something is not the solution. that doesn’t help anyone but you. so your mom hitting you, threatening to maim you, or threatening to send you to mental hospitals or catholic school--none of it was deserved, and none of it was justified.

and honestly: i dont love my mother either. she is a horrible, manipulative woman. she doesn’t care about me, and she doesn’t care about my wellbeing. i have a hard time hating people, especially my own mother, but i sure as shit don’t love her. and you don’t have to love your family either. love and respect have to be earned and freely given, or else they mean nothing.

now on to mental part. as you are (presumably) aware, im not a professional, im just an 18 year old with a lot of personal experience and stuff i looked up and i give advice, not diagnoses. that being said, (and this is a suggestion based on what you’ve said, and nothing more) it sounds like a fun combination of:

1) maladaptive daydreaming--this is like normal daydreaming but x1000. it’s often involuntary (though not always) and tends to replace human interaction. people who maladaptively daydream sometimes have “inner worlds” (essentially, a reality inside your head that you visit often. it’s usually populated with people who you might form relationships with, etc.) or else a variety of places they go. im gonna direct you to the wikipedia page on it (honestly it looks pretty damn accurate to me, but i recommend you read a lot of pages about it, if you think it might fit what’s going on with you): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maladaptive_daydreaming

and then potentially either of these things:

a) DID--disassociative identity disorder. not sure i spelled that right, sorry. im getting a pretty bad headache right now so im gonna keep this short but here’s an explanation: http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/dissociative-identity-disorder/dissociative-identity-disorder-did-signs-and-symptoms/ and to add onto this, people with DID (such as myself, actually) might have alters (basically additional personalities) that replace the original (i.e. the original personality that was in the body). for example: the original personality in our body has either gone to sleep for like 3 years, or else just straight up left. and so events that occurred when the body was younger don’t feel like they happened to me, or any of the other alters. there are six people in our body (right now youre talking to kasparov with ciardha butting in a lot). we’re all different ages, from 19 to 8.  it’s possible to have far more alters, and its also possible to have just one. basically what im suggesting here is that maybe a system (a body with more than one personality) was formed during a traumatic event, and you are the alter who is a child, and that the original is either dormant, or left. now im definitely not saying you have this. but i recommend that you look into this as well.

b) some kind of constant or else nearly-constant age regression. i really dont know much about this and googling it led to absolutely nothing, so i couldnt tell you what it’s caused by, or what to call it. my headache is getting a little migraine-y, so im sorry if this gets less helpful the more i write aaa

okay so essentially those are all the things that i can think of, but im certain its not an exhaustive list of possible things. if anyone has any information or ideas about this, please reply/reblog this post with your comments.

im sorry i couldn’t be of more help, and also that this took so long. feel free to message me with more info (or symptoms, which might help narrow it down) or send more asks