#DVR Eight Foot Joe

[slashingdisneypasta]

Disney Recruiters (+Villains) x Reader || Drabbles

Plot: The Disney Villains have expressed interest in you! And, so, they send their recruiters after you.  

Includes: Apple Poison (/ the Evil Queen), Dalmatia (/ Cruella De Vil), Farja (/ Jafar), Eight Foot Joe (/ Ursula), Jack Heart (/ the Queen of Hearts), ), Lady Hook (/ Captain Hook), and Malfie (/ Maleficent). My apologies, but Miss Hades and Veil are not included because I couldn’t find much on their personalities a nd Miss Scar is just… odd to me 😅

Side note- I have started exploring the world of Twisted Wonderland as well finally and boy, I got very confused about Divus Crewel! He and Dalmatia look exactly alike apart from some very subtle differences! Also this is my first time even attempting to write for the recruiters, I’ve never even fantasised with them, so wish me luck XD

Apple Poison and the Evil Queen:

You’re picking flowers in the middle of a field when he first appears- and when you say that he appeared, you’re really not exaggerating or anything, you literally never heard him walk up or anything! And it would be hard to walk silently through this field, there’s lots of pretty, autumnal leaves that should cause a crushing sound when stepped on no matter how graceful a person you are.

But he had just suddenly been there, with you; Not 10 feet away.

Being employed - or enslaved, - as a a handmaid for the Queen, you had seen the man before of course, going about castle for no particular reason. Other maids would ask you about him, because he was handsome and oh-so-cold towards everyone (Much like your Queen herself) and you are the Queens favourite so if she would confide in any servant off-hand, then it would be you. You had even poured him wine in the Queens chambers before, but you still had absolutely no clue what his purpose there was, or even his name. Truly, the man was a mystery.

This made other castle staff all the more curious - and hot, - about him, but you just left it be. You left a lot of things be in that castle, in fact. Odd visitors like this man, but also odd smells, smoke coming from the dungeon, and curious orders for things like mugwort and eye of newt. That’s why, you suppose, that Queen Grimhilde truly preferred you over the rest of the maids. You didn’t ask questions or wonder- you don’t care much what she gets up to. It’s not your business to pry into the personal lives of the royal family, or their… constituents.

Yes, that was a fine word for the man. No need to consider it further.

Suddenly a gloved hand appears in the window of your vision, between you and the flowers you were picking, and you follow the arm that is attached to it, up to the man. The constituent. Oh-

Taking it obediently, you let him guide you up to your feet and then watch him with wide eyes as he presses a quick kiss against your knuckles. “I’ve seen you around the castle, Ms/Sir.”

“Ms/Sir?? Oh, you don’t have to call me- “

“Then what shall I call you?” As he lets go of your hand, you gently lower it back to your side. He seems just as he’s always been, even now away from the castle; Sensible and to-the-point. You appreciate it.

Though, having someone so high up as to be having regular private meetings with Her Majesty as you your name, is a little bit flustering. “… Y/N… “

“You may refer to me as A.P, for now. I’ve been sent by the Queen.”

“I was just picking her flowers for dinner tonight.”

“Yes, and she appreciates it.” Oh he’s a bit of a charmer, huh? Her Majesty would never express gratitude for you having just done your job. This is all rather… odd. Can’t you return to your duties? “But our beauteous Queen is requesting both of our presences, imminently. Someone else can complete this, I promise.”

“I… suppose… “This is all totally irregular, and you’re slightly thrown off by it. His name is A.P?? For now?? What does that mean!?

Nevertheless, you give a nod and he begins to lead you out of the field and back to your carriage and his horse- and this time, he makes the proper amount of crunching noises. You won’t say that all of this is not entirely peculiar, but you will keep your thoughts to yourself at least until you see your Queen. She likely has a perfectly good explanation for sending this man to come and separate you from your duties.

Dalmatia and Cruella De Vil:

“… HEY!”

“JESUS- “

You actually fall out of your desk chair at this, onto the marble floor that Cruella just loves to snap her heels into every time she walks by every morning and ow- it fucking hurts!! Your chair, on the other hand, does not suffer the dramatic fall you did and instead just… rolls away 2 feet.

Figures.

As you get up, denying yourself the mercy of rubbing your sore ass because the last thing you need right now is to embarrass yourself further, you glance at the asshole who irrefutably caused this mess. He’s laughing his bloody ass off, and you scowl at him. “What was that for!?”

“I was just saying hey! You didn’t need to go and throw yourself to the floor like that!!”

“I didn’t throw myself to the- I was startled by you!!”

“-Oh, sure.” He doesn’t seem convinced, but he does sober up a fair bit and waive his hand at you like ‘whatever’. Rolling your eyes deeply, you turn grab the back of your chair and drag it back to you; Turning back to your computer just to save your work so it doesn’t disappear while you deal with this wierdo. God forbid you lose all your progress on this horrendously complicated spreadsheet… Cruella would murder you.

Like, really murder. Take off one of those heels and embed it in your skull.

When he doesn’t go to speak again, and explain his presence, you give a frustrated sigh and take the first step. “Who are you, anyway? And what did you need to scream at me for? Huh??”

For a moment he looks confused himself, and you’re about to call security because clearly the looney bin left the doors open today, but he comes to his senses just in time. “… OH. Well, I’m Dalmatia- Miss De Vil’s personal assistant. And I’ve been sent to recruit- uh, fetch you for her. Follow me!~ “

“Uh uh uh- ” You grab him and he turns his back on you, dragging him back around to face you by the back of a designer suit. “Hold on there- I’m Cruella De Vil’s personal assistant. I know I am, because otherwise there is no way that I would be missing my lunch break to do this damn excel spreadsheet from hell. So let me ask again; Who are you?”

“Iiii… “The man peters out, avoiding eye contact and fiddling with his fingers. “Well, my name is Dalmatia.”

You are in no mood for nonsense like this. Lunch was going to be pizza! “That’s great. What are you doing here?”

“To fetch you.”

“Wh- “

“For gods sake Y/N, just come into my office.” Cruella herself comes stalking out of her office at the end of the hall, looking non-too-happy at either of you, before turning on her heel and stepping back in. You let go of the back of the man’s suit collar like you were burnt, surprised that he’s legit. “And Dalmatia, how is it you usually do this? If you can’t even get my assistant into my office, I have some serious concerns… “

“Oh, I would’ve worn them down!~ “ You’re just collecting some folders and printed sheets and a USB in preparation for whatever Cruella might want in there, when Dalmatia links his arm through yours and yanks you off towards the intimidating glass door ahead somehow gracefully. He flashes you a wink and you roll your eyes.

What is going on??

Farja and Jafar:

Knock, Knock, Knock!

Slowly, you look up from the book you were struggling to get through, to the door to your chambers. Did someone just?... Oh, no way. Its just your imagination. Back to-

Knock, Knock, Knock, Knock, Knock, Knock!!

Oh! You didn’t imagine it! Whoops!- Setting your book aside quickly, you get up and race to the door before swinging it open and peaking out. Who could it be?

When your eyes land on her, a woman with long raven hair and a beautiful purple flower that is… glowing… you feel suddenly like you should have just pretended you weren’t home. She flashes a bright, kind smile though and that sets your nerves slightly more at ease. “Good afternoon! There’s a lovely sunset happening outside, have you seen??”

“Oh, um- No… “Who is this woman?? Why is she knocking on doors talking about the sun??? “I was just- “

“Oh that’s okay!~ Anyway, I’m Farja! It’s nice to meet you!~ Do you know Jafar?”

“I- I know of him, yes.” But you’re a servant and he sure as hell doesn’t mingle with the likes of servants- unless he’s terrorising them of course. You know men who have had to carry furniture here and there all day because of him and swear they saw him smile about it, and women who walk faster when they pass him alone in the halls because he’s been known to corner them.

He sounds like a bit of a scoundrel, really. What does this lady know of him?

She gathers your hand in hers, and gives another warm smile before turning to walk off down the hall and take you with her. “Wonderful! Come on, we have to go see him- “

“Wait!”

“What?”

“I… what’s going on??” It seems the right question to ask. Anything else would simply miss the big picture. Hopefully this covers everything, like, who is she?? Where did she come from?? What is her relation to the Sultan’s Vizier?? Why do you need to go see him with her??

What? What? Wha- Hey, was the flower in her hand always golden?

“Oh,” She lets out a giggle, and it’s a sound similar to that of bells, or the finest jewellery. “I apologise. You must be confused, I understand that. But I promise, he will make it all make sense. It will be okay- just come.”

This definitely feels like one of those ‘Don’t go’ sort of situations, so you stay behind the door. But she then reaches out and takes your hand in hers once again, this time much gentler, and tugs again and before you know it you’re letting Farja lead you down hallways- all the while, she natters on about this and that. The sunset and how magical it is, Jafar and how he’s going to make everything clear for you, and what she had for dinner the other night. She’s a little goofy and a little airheaded but theirs an odd sweetness to her, that just make you want to trust her.

You’re definitely not sure whether you should have let her take you, anxiety is biting away at you, but you can’t back out now.

Eight Foot Joe and Ursula:

You’re just tending to your coral bed, which is one of the best in the kingdom even if you do just say it yourself, and keeping a casual, yet watchful eye on the loiterer nearby. He’s been lingering for the past 3 hours, and you’ve never seen him around before, so he’d raised some red flags for you.

He hasn’t done anything bad yet, though, so you aren’t too concerned. Just cautious. And there’s nothing wrong with that- there are kids that live nearby!

Then you’re turning around to shoo away some sea horses from the area in your garden that you’ve recently sprayed with some weed killer- and your arm is grabbed!

You whip around to see the loiterer, and narrow your eyes. “Excuse you?- “

 “Come on.” His tone, nor his grip, is particularly strong or alarming - in fact he sounds bored, - but ‘Come on’?- Where!? You’re not going anywhere with a perfect stranger! Is he out of his mind???

“Let go of my arm.” You tell him sternly, the sternest that you’ve ever sounded, and glare as hard as you possibly can at him; Hoping he’s nice and weak-willed.

He just gives a sigh, not too bothered, by thankfully let’s go. Those hands go in his pockets and his shoulders slump and you allow your own arm to return to its regular place hanging at your side, still glaring at him. “Fine, come on.”

Is he serious? “… Where??”

For a moment he doesn’t respond, and you have a chance to get a proper look at him so you can assess what you’re dealing with here. He’s an octopus creature and he’s dressed rather well, but the way he’s slumped causes the whole look to be totally thrown off like he takes no pride in his appearance. That’s strike number two.

Strike number one was, of course, the grabbing.

Strike number 3 is the fact that he has yet to explain himself, and just hovers there thinking, like the dumbest and most inept kidnapper ever.

“… I have to take you to Ursula.” He finally says, shifty eyes flickering to you and watching your reaction. He’s taken a gamble, saying that name, and he must be able to tell just looking at how your face is transforming that it was a bad one.

“The sea witch?! No way- “You snap, turning around and going for your front door- but he reaches forward and grabs your arm again. His grip is a little bit tighter this time, but isn’t painful by any means. You think you could still peel his fingers off if you need to. But instead of trying that, you whip around once again, this time holding up a fist, and go for his face with it.

He catches it almost lazily, and lowers your arm so he’s holding both your wrists in one hand, and that’s how you discover how strong his grip really is. It may not be tight, but its powerful. You could not peel his fingers off. Jaw dropping, you look from your fist to him to the street around you, searching for some help but everyone else is either inside of out for the day. Turning back to your attacker, you grit your teeth and glare harshly. “Let go.”

Giving a shrug, he turns around then and starts half leading you, half dragging you off away from your little street and your coral bed. “Cant. Ursula wants to talk to you.”

“Well give her a message for me!” You force out, struggling against his hand. “I don’t want any part in her dealings!- “

This time he sighs, and its rather annoyed, but he doesn’t look back at you and he doesn’t squeeze tighter. “Not that you have much choice in the matter, but… you might change your mind, when you hear her offer.”

Oh, really? “Why would I do that!?”

Another sigh wafts back from him, and it’s your only response as the two of you venture into the deeper, darker parts of the ocean.

Jack Heart and the Queen of Hearts:

One moment you’re peacefully reading under a big oak tree, the roses nearby chattering away quietly together, when a WHOOSH sound interrupts the quiet and a man with curly brown hair appears upside down- right in your face. Startled, you accidentally smack yourself in the nose with your book, pulling yourself away from him.

“Ow,” The guy winces, but doesn’t stop his grinning. “That looked like it hurt.”

You give a pout in return as you rub up and down the bridge of your nose. “It- it did!”

“My bad. Hey, look, I���ll get you a tart to make up for it!” He exclaims, swinging slightly back and forth with excitement from the branch his legs are curled around above your head. You take a glance up, to make sure that the branch he’s chosen is nice and sturdy, and isn’t about to fall on you because that would really hurt, before allowing curiosity to get the better of you.

“… what kind of tart?” A tart does sound rather nice right now-

“Cranberry! It’s the best. The queen swears by them!”

“Th- the queen!??” Even referring to her is startling. Is he one of her guards? He doesn’t look like a royal guards, you think as you assess him, but… you can never be too careful. You work as a kitchen maid in the palace, and you’ve seen quite enough beheadings to be quite wary of the possibility. Not that you really needed the visual proof that it would be nasty, but… It has made the fear worse.  

Which is funny, because contrary-wise you might think that seeing so many beheadings would rather numb you to the fear of having your own head chopped off, for the bodies only twitch for a little while and then they die pretty quickly, but… no… it hasn’t.

“Yeah!” The man, enthusiastic as he seems to be, doesn’t notice your concern. In fact he takes your quietness is an opening to talk more. Meanwhile, you can’t help but wonder whether his blood is all rushing to his head, yet. “I work for her in the palace- like you! That’s why I’m here, actually. The Queen’s requesting an audience, with you!”

“Requesting?... “

“Yeah, well, demanding actually. Pot-Ay-Toe, Pot-Ah-Toe though, right?” Just as you’re worrying about what you could have possibly done to get on Her Majesties bad side, the guy flips off the tree branch and lands somehow gracefully down on his feet in front of you. It’s a spectacular trick, and you wonder how he pulled it off, staring up at him with eyes the size if tea plates. “Ta-Daa!~ C’mon,” He lowers a gloved hand down in front of your face for you to take, and gives you a wink. “We’ll pinch you your tart on the way!”

“Oh, I don’t think I should be… pinching her tarts… “You say hesitantly, inching your fingers into his palm delicately so he can pull you up next to him. God knows what you’ve done to anger her already, you aren’t about to make it worse by stealing her favourite snack inside her own castle!

Once he has dragged you - again, somehow gracefully, - to your feet, he brushes his thumb over your knuckles and carries them up to his mouth. Your cheeks are heating up and your jaw is dropping as he lands a kiss against them, too. Then looks up at you with the most intense eyes you’ve ever seen, and say… “I won’t let you get hurt.”

And all you can think is- Who is this guy???

Lady Hook and Captain Hook:

“Y/N.” A female voice calls your name; Muffled because of the water but spoken very clearly, and full of intent. You hear the sternness and debate emerging at all, but at receiving a few frustrated glances from various other sleeping mer-people who the woman above is interrupting.

Sighing, letting lose a few bubbles that fly up the surface and surely give away your position anyway, you let go of the seaweed pillow you were cuddling, and swim up to where the voice came from. “Yes?” You ask, resting your arms on the land before the woman’s boots, craning your neck to look up at the woman.

“I’m known as Lady Hook.” She says frankly, before giving a sigh and offering the fake hook-hand up as explanation for her name. You give a hum, and rest your elbows on the rocks near where she’s standing, lace your fingers together, and set your chin atop. Can this be over? You’re so sleepy… “I’m here to recruit you for my Captain.”

“Your Captain? Wow… “Giving a breathy chuckle, you tilt your head to the side as you look up at her; Eyes fully open finally. “I didn’t know you two-leggeds were like that~ “

Glaring, she furrows her brows and scrunches up her nose and the expression would almost be cute… if she didn’t give you the feeling that calling her that would get you a kick to the teeth. “Like what?”

“Oh, just… “Kinky. “Nothing… “

“Hm… “She gives you one more hard glare, before returning to her more neutral expression- which is, curiously, still rather angry. “Furthermore- I am to take you to him.”

“Look, I don’t really have any interest in joining Hook’s crew, so sorry you made the trip, but, its actually my nap time right now so I’ll just be goin- “

“It pays well.” Lady Hook interrupts, and your eyes flash at her. No. No, that’s not going to do.

“I don’t need gold. So- “

“No, not in gold. We discovered recently that you’re warring with the boy- which means we’re working toward the same thing. Together, in water and on land, we may have a better chance at vanquishing the brat.”

… Okay, that does get your attention. Turning back from the waters again, you tilt your head at her. “… You have a point, there.” Its common knowledge that the pirates hate Peter, Hook especially. And though the other mermaids may love the stupid kid… you sure don’t. There’s just something about him that has always left a bad taste in your mouth, and he’s just always flying around here… making a terrible racket and interrupting your peace… Your life would be perfect, without him around. So- “What kind of offer is Hook making?”

“Come with me, and find out.”

Hmmm, giving Lady Hook a scrupulous look, you push off of the rocks. “Show me the way, then~ “

Malfie and Maleficent:

One morning while you’re hanging up a particularly large bed sheet in the sun to dry, struggling a little bit with its size, you fail to notice the big, black raven land on the table you have your tea set on. It takes you a couple minutes, but as the raven watches you, you manage to get the damn sheet hung up as well as the rest of the laundry- before turning to your breakfast that had been cooling down while you worked.

You see the raven immediately, of course, perched a little too close to your porridge, and narrow your eyes… inching towards the table just a little bit at a time, hesitantly to waive your hand at it. “… Shoo.”

It doesn’t make a sound back, doesn’t even move. The thing just stares at you until you get as close as you dare, a couple steps, and stand there quite put-out at its gall. You are the human, aren’t you? It’s the woodland creature. Shouldn’t it… scatter? Huphing, you set your hands on your hips with a frown. This just wont do.

… Narrowing your eyes and thinning your lips, you attempt to vocally request it leaves your food alone- why you thought that speaking fairly to the bird would help you, you have no clue. But it wasn’t responding to traditional waiving and shooing, so why not try? “… excuse me? That’s my breakfast, sir- or ma’am? I’d really love it if you flew a bit away from it.”

At this, miraculously, the raven actually does lift up into the air with a flap of its wings, and you watch with wide eyes as it lands then on the chair beside the table- and promptly turns into a man.

Your jaw drops open and you breath in deeply to scream at the horrifying impossibility, that this aviary just transformed into a man, but he who is currently gazing into a black hand mirror at himself, oh-so-delicately raises a finger at you as if to shush you- without even glancing away from his reflection.

Promptly you shut your mouth, and frown again in an unamused, perturbed sort of way. Well, he’s a bit cheeky.

God- what are you thinking? You should be freaking out! This man was just a BIRD!-

You’re about to go ahead this time and scream at the top of your lungs, but just in time he actually looks away from the mirror an his soft gaze falls on you. “Please, don’t.”

Letting out the air again that you had in preparation to scream, you clench your fists in frustration and shake your head. “I think I have every right to scream!”

“Sure, of course you do- laying your lucky eyes on ME!” Oh- seriously?? “Aha, but please, I have business to attend to with you and it’ll be a lot easier for us both if you just keep your enthusiasm for later. Thank you.”

What- Looking around, you half wonder if this is a crazy trick of some kind. Loki? Are you around??

Who even is this man????

“Uh… you have… business, with me??” What kind of business would a bird-man have with you? Gods, so many questions.

“I do,” Giving a sweet smile that you don’t trust one bit, considering the mischievous nature of transformation magic and the almost sickly-sweet sound of his voice. While he pushes out of the hair you were going to have your long-forgotten-about breakfast in and stalks around you- long, long legs taking him in a circle around you swiftly.  “See… “Oh, he’s gazing at his reflection again. “My Mistress thinks you have a quality she could use. And she would like for you to join forces with us. Of course, there’s more to it then that and… you’d have to learn to live near me without becoming too enamoured all the time... but there are perks. Protection, for one- “

“Wait wait wait,” You cut in, turning just in time to cut him off from another circle, setting your hands back on your hips and leaning towards him; A stern look on your face as you tilt your head to the side. “Who’s your mistress?”

“Umm… “The guy looks upwards, thoughtful and only a little bit startled that you’re acting so gutsy with him. “I think you’ll have to give me an answer, before I tell you that.”

“Well, what’s the question??”

“Will you join her?”

“I don’t even know who ‘she’ is!!” This whole thing is mad-

“My apologies sweetheart- “

“What’s your name, then??”

“Oh,” The man drops down gracefully to one knee at once, then, and takes your hand in his; Guiding it towards his lips while you just seethe with frustration above him. “I’m Malfie~ “

You wrench your hand quickly away from him before he can kiss it, and his eyes go wide- looking up at you with a sudden awe-struck wonder. And- what- Is that a blush on his face? Is he serious?? “Take me to your Mistress, Malfie. I think I’d rather conduct business with her, if I must conduct it at all.”  

“As you wish, love… “

[blackbutlerfandomnerddomain]

My Disney Villain Recruiters Ships and Why:

Well first off and as the gif suggest:

Dalmatia and Jack Heart! ~ They're the main pairing the DVR squad that are 100% best friends ~ They bounce off each other very well ~ Their aesthetics fit well

Apple Poison and Lady/Pretty Scar (This was one of gifs given through apple poison so now it's them) ~ He's a gentleman to boot ~ He hides emotions while she shows them off ~ She's cute and wild so a bit of a opposite ~ He's the one who gives her the most positive reactions such as escorting her to a event and giving her head rubs when a recruitment was a success

Veil and Lady Hook! ~ Out of all the girls Hook (or Hock as some translations call her) she flirts most with Veil and Scatterbrain but she actually physically flirts with Veil more by cupping her face and extending their eye contact ~ Like Jack Heart and Dalmatia, their aesthetics work well in both opposites and similarities ~ I had saved so many of their pictures so yeah-

Eight-Foot-Joe/Malfie/Farja/Ms. Hades ~ I know this is the remaining people but they all radiant bi/pan energy and honestly nip-picking away certain parts of the separate ships they have is hard ~ Malfie and Joe are considered best friends and often goof off together which I think is cute ~ Ms Hades and Joe are kind of like the Mr and Mrs Smith type of friendship. At each other's throats at times but is remotely sweet and respect each other ~ Farja are 1) the most popular ship besides a few and 2) They vibe together so damn well as these two goofy ass birds chilling their mature cold appearance friends ~ Ms Hades and Farja talk most out of all the girls and whenever they get flustered by Lady Hook's flirty/dominated sides they fan-girl together and I can just see them doing that if their boys did something cute in their eyes ~ Joe is nice to Farja though he should be scary to her ~ None of them are intimidated or scared of Joe though he wants to convince he is as he a delinquent type of dude

[shoujoqueensstuff]

Tw and dvr

Based on a convo and rp with a friend, we talked about how the following Disney villain recruiters would be related to these twisted wonderland characters

Malfie = Malleus's older brother

Jack heart = Riddle's older brother

Dalmatia = Divus's younger brother

Eight foot joe = azul's father

Apple poison = Vil's father

Faja = kalim's mother

Lady scar = Leona's mother

Ms. Hades = Idia and Ortho's mother

[dfhkala]

The top two offers were both all cash

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[kidsviral-blog]

How Gordon Ramsay's "MasterChef Junior" Became The Cutest Cooking Show On TV

New Post has been published on https://kidsviral.info/how-gordon-ramsays-masterchef-junior-became-the-cutest-cooking-show-on-tv/

How Gordon Ramsay's "MasterChef Junior" Became The Cutest Cooking Show On TV

Mix precocious 10-year-olds with a famously volatile host and add large knives and open flames. How MasterChef Junior’s recipe for trainwreck TV instead became a heartwarming twist on the cooking competition show.

The 12-year-old boy standing in front of Gordon Ramsay has just started to cry. He’s wearing a floral bow tie, a plaid collared shirt tucked neatly into slim black jeans, and a bright white apron tied at the waist with his name embroidered on it in all caps, “LOGAN,” along with the logo of the show on which he is one of the final eight contestants, MasterChef Junior. His two front teeth are gapped, and his sandy blond hair is parted way over on one side. When he grows up, Logan wants to be an oceanographer, an astronaut, a chef, and a garbageman. The restaurant he plans to open someday will be called “O’s Underwater Bistro” and it will have special bubbles, some “executive bubbles” and some “romantic bubbles,” where customers will dine floating around underwater separate from the main restaurant, like in submarines.

But today, Logan has overcooked and underseasoned the rice in what he says would be the signature dish at his underwater bistro. The 82-pound, 4-foot-11-inch boy from Memphis, who, unlike some of the other contestants, can actually see over the cooking counters on the MasterChef set, has had one hour to create this dish, presumably without any adult assistance. And though his perfectly seared steak has “nice char and color,” the plate overall is too simple — lackluster, Ramsay says. As the British celebrity chef tells Logan that “the judges have come to expect more from you, young man,” a tear so giant that even I can see it from behind the cameras 30 feet away drops off Logan’s cheek and hits the floor. The boy’s shoulders curve forward, his head drops, and he’s sobbing.

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Ramsay comforts Logan after critiquing his dish. Greg Gayne / FOX

Producers backstage stop whispering into their mics. The cameramen are still and tense. No one likes to see a child cry. But then Ramsay, who has seven Michelin stars, 25 restaurants, and a reputation for calling the cooks on his TV shows things like “miserable wee bitch” and “you fucking donkey” does something unexpected: He steps forward, hugs the child, and tells him it’s going to be OK, that he did his best. When Logan returns to his station, no longer crying, the other children comfort him and tell him he’s a great cook.

In spring 2013, when Fox announced it was going to air a kid-centric spin-off of its amateur cooking competition MasterChef with 8- to 13-year-olds, it sounded horribly annoying — like a desperate attempt to revive a played-out format. The built-in precociousness of the concept was off-putting: 12-year-olds talking about Sriracha foam. And who wants to watch kids being mean to one another or judges hurting their feelings? “Fox’s Junior MasterChef to find newer, younger chefs to disappoint Gordon Ramsay,” wrote the AV Club.

But when the show debuted last fall, it was absolutely delightful. Now, three episodes into its second season, it’s still so good. MasterChef Junior’s first season was the highest-rated broadcast show in its Friday evening time slot among adults 18 to 49. It performed especially well in DVR and got good reviews. This season it is upgraded to a coveted Tuesday evening spot and averages a solid 5.3 million total viewers.

Seeing Ramsay’s gentler, helpful side is reason alone to watch. But the kids are the real stars because they (and the producers in the control room) turn the reality cooking show on its head by making it more heartwarming than cutthroat — they actually are here to make friends. They are more than happy to lend one another ingredients and help during the challenges. They often cry when anyone is sent home because they are sad for their friend. They release piercing screams of delight when a food for the next challenge is revealed (“Yaaaay! Pancakes!”), and collapse on the floor with relief when they aren’t sent home. And there is a visual spectacle: They have to jump to reach ingredients in the pantry and stand on boxes to cook at the counters; the scale is off. Meanwhile, the dishes they make are very impressive and just messy enough to be believable. Basically, everything they do and say is ridiculous, and yet it makes so much more sense than what adults do on television.

While we may know better than to believe everything we see on reality TV, the question remains: Are these kids as good as they seem? And if not, would that make the show any less fun?

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Greg Gayne / FOX

Like many of our reality shows, MasterChef is a European export. The adult version is based on a BBC show that initially ran from 1990 to 2001, and the brand was exported globally. More than 40 countries have adapted the show — there’s a MasterChef Italia, MasterChef Pakistan, MasterChef China, and more. The kid spin-off was first introduced in 1994 in the U.K. and has been produced in 15 different countries.

Even so, the American show’s executive producers Robin Ashbrook and Adeline Ramage Rooney, who also produce on the adult version, say they had a hard time getting Fox to sign on for Junior.

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Kid Nation Monty Brinton / CBS

The not-distant memory of CBS’s failure with Kid Nation must have been a consideration. The 2007 show put 40 children ages 8 to 15 in a New Mexico ghost town and asked them to create a viable society without adult supervision, then was canceled amid allegations of child abuse, child labor law disputes, and a New York Times article about the insane contracts the parents signed. That same year, Bravo ordered eight episodes of Top Chef Junior with 13- to 16-year-olds, which never aired. (Bravo did not respond to a request for an explanation why.)

“You could go to anybody in the world and go, ‘Right, so we’ve got Gordon Ramsay,’ and they’d go, ‘But he shouts at people,’” Ashbrook says. “And you’d say, ‘And we’ve got this show with ovens and knives and hot dishes — and then we’re going to do it with kids.’ So on that pitch you’d be like, ‘You’re fucking out of your mind.’”

In 2012, while taping the third season of adult MasterChef, Ashbrook and Rooney taped a mystery box challenge with a group of kids — each got a box with the same surprise ingredients and had to create a dish. They sent the tape to Fox. It worked.

When the casting call went out, the press was especially critical that the kids would be as young as 8. But Rooney says having younger kids for MasterChef Junior was essential.

“Once you get to 14 to 17, they might be more skilled, but they’ve also kind of shut down a lot more,” she says. “So they’re not as good for TV, frankly.”

The rest of the show is almost identical to the adult version of MasterChef, which just aired its fifth season. The other two judges are New York restaurateur and winemaker Joe Bastianich and Chicago chef Graham Elliot. The set’s the same, the format’s the same, and the production, editing, and culinary team are almost exactly the same.

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Greg Gayne / FOX

“We want it to be a show that is co-viewed with parents and that our Hell’s Kitchen fans would watch, so we didn’t want to neuter Gordon,” Rooney says, referring to one of Ramsay’s other four shows currently on Fox in which he verbally abuses aspiring chefs cooking in competition for a job at one of his restaurants.

The Gordon Ramsay who appears on MasterChef Junior is a completely different judge — helpful, goofy, and sweet — so that you start to understand why some of the people who work for him show an irrational-seeming loyalty in the face of his insulting tirades and long list of scandals.

“Firm but fair. I liken it to a soccer coach,” Ramsay says of his attitude toward the kids on the show. “If you want your child to succeed — a ballerina, become the next basketball superstar, or play for the Dodgers — then you will push them.”

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Greg Gayne / FOX

The eight kids who remain in the competition on Episode 4 in Season 2 stand in a row in front of a stage where the three judges are also standing in a row. They’re on a set on the Paramount lot in Los Angeles where they’ve been staying at a nearby hotel with their parents for the first two weeks of the three-and-a-half-week production. They’re ready to find out what the first challenge of the episode will be.

Ramsay’s voice has more bravado and is much louder than the other judges’. He wanders around set with an enormous, devious presence that makes even off-camera moments feel like reality TV.

A production guy coming from the behind-the-scenes kitchen rolls a cart near the set and tells me to be careful, please don’t put your coffee on this. Covered by a cloche, this plate is handed to the judges a minute later when they announce the challenge.

“There is one ingredient that every chef relies on,” Ramsay says. His voice rises with booming excitement to build the moment where he lifts the cloche: “It’s simple. It’s glorious. And delicious! It is an…egg.”

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Greg Gayne / FOX

“Duuuuuuuh,” says Oona, an extremely bright 9-year-old with big eyes and dark hair pulled into messy pigtails. Oona’s favorite TV show of all time is Alton Brown’s Good Eats; she’s seen every single episode and most of them several times over. Oona’s dad, a Yale Law School professor, says he wasn’t inclined to let her watch MasterChef Junior when the show first came out: “My picture of reality TV was snarky adults saying mean things to each other,” he says. “We didn’t want her to see that.” But the show wasn’t that, so he and his wife agreed to let her watch it.

Bastianich, the third judge, begins to describe the sunny-side-up hero egg: “Notice there are no brown edges, there are no wobbly whites,” he says. “They’re not snotty or runny.” The words “snotty” and “runny” are too much for some of the kids, and they burst into giggles.

Then there is a confusing silence for a minute or two. The judges have earpieces to receive stage directions during taping from producers in the control room who tell them what to redo. By now, the kids are used to these awkward pauses, but they are kids: They have a hard time standing still. Actually, so does Gordon Ramsay. Similarities between the celeb chef and the children are shockingly clear in person: They love to make trouble, they have scary amounts of energy, they get bored easily, and they throw temper tantrums.

All of a sudden the judges are alert again and Elliot starts talking: “You will have 10 minutes to make us as many perfect, sunny-side-up eggs as you can,” he says. “At your stations you will find everything you need: oil, butter, and a whole lot of eggs. You’ll have eight pans, which I highly recommend you use simultaneously. Every perfectly fried sunny-side-up egg that we decide is good enough will give you a huge advantage in the upcoming challenge.”

Then, it seems like it’s go time: The cameras start moving and the kids begin to run to their stations. But the producers yell, “Can I have the kids back up at the front?” and the judges take a break. What the kids will do between finding out the details of their challenge and 20 minutes later when they start cooking eggs I don’t know, because Ramsay wants to chat backstage in another room and ushers me away.

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Greg Gayne / FOX

Gordon Ramsay is worth $47 million, according to Forbes. In addition to owning restaurants all over the world, he’s produced and starred in 23 television shows since 1999. He’s published 27 books, has a line of tableware with WWRD (Waterford, Wedgewood, Royal Doulton), and has so much energy that you feel rushed to keep up with the cadence of his speech and under pressure to keep his attention. His attention is actually impossible for anyone to keep most of the time. Even his own thoughts don’t keep his attention long enough for him to properly finish them.

“I absolutely 100% categorically submerge myself in the, you know, I don’t give a shit what’s going on outside, there could be a crisis — last week we got a stupid lawsuit issued over a total ridiculous, ridiculous place, there’s a big conference call tonight where we are putting the defense together. It’s just if there’s one thing that always puts me off about working over here [in the U.S.] it’s that the more popular and the more famous you become then the more litigious and the more small excuse people take as advantage to sue…”

The way Ramsay talks is part of his manic power. He has the same force to his speech as on television, but without an editor to cut it and make it coherent. He spits out raw quotes that apart might be worth something, but together become extremely confusing.

“…so that’s one thing I’ve learned over the last decade. In terms of everyone says hey and of course the British press ‘he’s been sued again, that’s 14 times in 7 different countries!’ It’s a joke. Whatever crap’s going on there, when I walk in here and I’m with these guys, they’ve got me 100% because it is so important; look at the sort of rip-offs already in terms of Food Network and Bravo now, and the amount of people that try to imitate, and you’ve got that sugarcoating ass-kissy, let’s get all gooey and this is real — this is seriously real.”

He says he is involved in every aspect of the show, including casting, to identify the kids coming from desperate stage moms who aren’t really passionate about cooking. He was not fazed by initial skepticism about his working with children. “I’m a father of four and there’s no script for being a parent.” He talks about his own children a lot; they are between the ages of 12 and 16 and they are all over his Instagram feed amid pictures of him getting in race cars, getting on helicopters, and training for the Ironman.

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Sam Greg Gayne / FOX

The kid contestants idolize Ramsay. Logan, for example, says Ramsay’s opinion is the only one that matters during judging. Logan’s mom tells him to try to not look so pitiful during taping that he gives her a heart attack every time he looks at the camera. Logan says he’s probably just bored because judging takes so long.

“He’s the best chef out of all three of them,” says Sam, a blond 9-year-old contestant from Reseda, California, who has a Skrillex-like hairstyle. Sam says he knows Ramsay’s the best chef because “he’s done so many TV shows and so many things like that, and you can see he looks so good as a chef.”

“Bless him,” Ramsay says about Sam when tell I him this later on. “I mean, that’s a bit of a wrong interpretation. There needs to be an actual passion there, and that’s what we weed out very quickly.”

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Greg Gayne / FOX

After this quick break, 10 minutes are set on the MasterChef clock, which hangs high in the middle of the room. The kids run to their stations and begin furiously cracking eggs into pans.

Ramsay, Bastianich, and Elliot stand on the stage, still being filmed, talking about the best techniques for making eggs. Bastianich suggests frying two eggs in one pan; Ramsay is horrified and pokes fun at him. Ramsay explains that the most important element here is actually the butter: You have to baste the eggs, spoon hot butter over the whites to cook the tops faster. Crack the egg low near the pan so the yolk doesn’t break; bring the plate close to the pan so you don’t have to walk around with an egg on your spatula.

“Four minutes gone!” yells Ramsay toward the kids. “Six minutes remaining! Speed up, guys, multitask.”

I’m standing near supervising culinary producer Sandee Birdsong, who is watching the kids closely and also has an earpiece and microphone to communicate with producers during taping. A former contestant on Top Chef, Birdsong is now also that show’s supervising culinary producer, and her job is to oversee all the food on the show — order equipment and ingredients, create and test challenges, and train the kids. After a minute or two she says quietly into the microphone, “Turn the heat down, all the kids are burning the eggs’ edges.”

A minute later, Elliot says to the kids from the judges podium, “Guys, make sure you don’t get your heat too high, we don’t want any brown edges, control that pan.”

Birdsong and her culinary team of as many as 26 people teach the kids cooking classes in between episodes, walking them through the techniques they need to succeed and giving them safety training. The MasterChef classroom is identical to the set — same ovens, same food processors — so the contestants can get familiar with the equipment. The culinary team squeezes in as many classes for the kids as they can given the short amount of time children are legally allowed to be on the Paramount lot every day. “The kids are here to learn as much as they can the whole time,” she says.

Birdsong says she doesn’t teach the kids exactly what to do for a challenge, but rather shows them a basic and (most importantly) the fastest way to accomplish things like make a sauce or filet a fish. There are lots of different ways to make a piecrust, for example, but one way is probably best when you’re racing the clock. The kids have the option of writing down and memorizing anything from class.

“We teach a very basic application that works in our environment and that’s what they tend to stay with, and it’s their choice if they go off that mark [during a challenge],” she says, adding that the adults who receive the same classes are more likely to revert to their personal cooking methods.

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Abby Greg Gayne / FOX

Halfway through the egg challenge, Ramsay takes an interest in Abby, the youngest contestant at 8, who’s got her pan too hot and is still struggling to get a single egg fried and on a plate. Abby, who’s from Winchester, Virginia, still has a sweet baby-talk quality to her voice and is impossibly adorable. In Episode 2, while watching the other kids race to cook pancakes, she screamed nearly every time a pancake was flipped over and at one point nearly collapsed from excitement. “Take the pan to the plate, young lady,” Ramsay tells her.

She yells back, clearly stressed: “IT’S NOT READY.”

When time’s up, the judges all count down the last 10 seconds together.

The kids raise their hands in surrender and stop cooking.

“Who’s feeling good, guys?” Ramsay asks, cheerfully. No one raises a hand. The kids’ mood is total frustration. “Aw, come on, no one?”

A producer hollers from the side, “Let’s do the last five seconds again, guys,” and on cue the kids pretend to plate eggs and run around while someone counts, “Five, four, three, two, one.”

Then the kid chefs are shuffled out of the room for a break. Instead of the judges going to inspect the eggs, Rooney emerges from the greenroom and walks station to station to see who cooked the most eggs.

After the numbers are calculated, Birdsong, Elliot, Bastianich, and Rooney sit at a table offset discussing how to make the next challenge work. As it turns out, the number of eggs each kid cooked in this first challenge will determine the number of ingredients he or she will be allowed to use to cook a signature dish. Little Abby, sure to be an audience favorite, has successfully fried only two eggs in 10 minutes.

The lights on the set go dim; the pans and eggs and dishes are being cleared away. Out of the blue, Gordon Ramsay makes an announcement:

“The lady from BuzzFeed is going to do the egg challenge.” The cameramen, producers, and crew are as surprised as I am. “Lights up, please, thank you,” he hollers at no one in particular.

The kids aren’t present and the cameras aren’t rolling. And though I’ve been hanging around the set of his show for two days, I don’t think I’ve done anything to make him want to actively embarrass me. We had so far spoken innocuously about this show and his own children. I had not even asked him about the time he fat-shamed a contestant on Hell’s Kitchen, nor the time he tricked vegetarians into eating meat, nor about his allegedly showing up with a camera crew without permission at the wedding of his now-estranged mentor Marco Pierre White. I did not ask if he actually hired someone to film his father-in-law (and former business partner) having an affair, or if any of those things make him feel any doubt that he should be a role model for children.

But Ramsay’s probably just bored; he doesn’t want me or anyone getting too comfortable, and he knows this will be fun. And he does not know, thank god, that I attended culinary school. In theory I should be decent at this. But I’m not. I can’t be relied on to do anything quickly — not cooking, writing, thinking, or any kind of thing. I accidentally set my course book on fire more than once.

Ramsay abruptly starts singing “If I Could Turn Back Time” and rushing the producers to bring over the pans, oil, eggs, and butter. “Get the clock ready. You have five minutes. Are you ready? Five minutes, I want to see how many you can do. Your time starts now.”

“I’m shaking,” I say.

“And begin!”

I start cracking eggs into the pans without remembering to turn on the heat under any of the pans.

“Turn the gas on first, young lady! Fifteen seconds gone! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go! Thirty seconds gone.”

“Shit!”

“Please no cursing, Emily. Forty seconds gone.”

“OK, OK.”

“Darling, you gotta go faster, I am starving. Coming up to one minute gone. If an 8-year-old can do it, I’m sure a 22-year-old can do it.”

I am 31.

But there is a crowd of about 20 people from the crew watching, taking photos with their phones, and laughing.

“Emily, I’m begging you, turn the fucking gas on.”

“No cursing, Chef,” I say.

“Coming up to two minutes gone. EMILY, PLEASE,” he yells. I am still not even finished cracking all eight eggs into all eight pans because I have apparently forgotten how to crack eggs, what to do with the shells, how to pan, what are eggs.

“What if I just throw one of these raw eggs at you,” is for some reason my response.

“Please, Emily, don’t waste time. I’ve got your editor on the phone, he’s live and he’s not impressed.”

I consider telling him that my editor is a woman. I don’t really want to embarrass him and make him yell even more. Or do I?

“My editor is a woman,” I say, cringing.

“Well, she’s not very happy. We’re Skyping her straight after this. I BEG YOU, GET ONE FUCKING EGG ON THE PLATE, PLEASE.”

I remember I should throw some butter in there and baste.

“Nice, that’s lovely. Butter, butter, butter,” he says three times rhythmically. I’m reminded of the way he also offhandedly said, “To the bar. The bar, the bar, the bar,” three times earlier in the day.

“Seventy-five seconds to go!” he yells.

This is the part where, if you’re a real cook, your brain turns off and your muscles remember and everything’s familiar so you can work like a machine. You can rhythmically baste, tilt, scoop, and plate along a row over and over with movements so efficient that 75 seconds is the perfect amount of time to plate eight sunny-side-up eggs. But the kids don’t have that muscle memory, how could they, and neither do I. No one is magically a master chef. It takes practice.

Ramsay, I’ve realized by now, needs to yell the whole time and doesn’t like silence, so he says, “Coming up to 60 seconds to go! EMILY, PLEASE.”

I get an egg on the plate.

“ONE EGG, YAY!!!!!!” he says sarcastically. “Last minute!”

The rest of the eggs just haven’t finished cooking. I have spent most of my five minutes fumbling with the heat and running back and forth between my two ranges of four eggs each.

The entire production crew of MasterChef Junior counts down my last 10 seconds.

“One egg. You are as good as Abby,” he says.

Abby, he reminds me, is 8 years old.

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Greg Gayne / FOX

“I snuck some of your frosting one time,” Abby says to Samuel, a jaunty 12-year-old who talks like he’s doing an impression of an adult on a cooking show. To me, she adds, “I wanted to see if it was good because he wasn’t called for the top three in the cupcake challenge.” She is wearing tiny glasses, head-to-toe pink and purple with ruffles, polka dots, and tiny sparkly shoes.

The kids are sitting (sort of — Oona is bad at sitting) at a table in a break room in a building separate from the set. This is where their parents hang out during episode tapings.

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Sean Greg Gayne / FOX

Noticeably quiet during breaks is Sean, an Asian-American 12-year-old from Santa Ana, California, with thick glasses, braces, and a big smile when he lets it show. Sean has won the most challenges, and the other kids think he’s the best cook because, as one of them says, “He’s been cooking every night for two years.” Sean is quick to correct him: He cooks only three times a week. His dream is to be a restaurant owner and an interior designer because he “spends half his time on Pinterest looking at home decor.”

The kids are, in fact, really sweet to each other. And the adults encourage that.

“We really try to stay away from that side of the reality world of, like, ‘Come on, really tell us who you don’t like,’” says Elliot the next day. “‘This one said this about you, you should really say…’ There’s nothing like that. You ask, ‘Who do you think is the best? Who do you not want in here?’ And almost 90% of the time it’s, ‘I like everybody, they’re all good.’”

Ten-year-old Josh, who has long hair and a crackly voice that sounds a little like Jonathan Taylor Thomas, offers a story about how Ramsay helped him roll out a piecrust because he couldn’t do it fast enough. While Ramsay’s helping him didn’t appear in the final episode, the producers did include another special moment: Josh, seeming very, very concerned, says he really hoped he wouldn’t get sent home for his Key lime pie because that would ruin his feelings about Key lime pie.

Oona hollers loudly so she can be heard over the other kids who have all started talking vaguely about piecrust at once: “Half a cup of butter and 2½ cups of flour and 2 tablespoons of sour cream.” She is the only one who offers specifics, and that ratio would probably work. Oona had never made a pie before she got to MasterChef; she learned in Birdsong’s classes.

When I ask about burns, almost all of the kids eagerly and immediately shove their forearms toward me to show off burn marks. Some got these during the show; some were earned while cooking at home. Like line cooks, the kids are very proud of their burns.

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Greg Gayne / FOX

“In this next challenge we want all of you to dream big and imagine owning and running your own restaurant,” says Ramsay to the kids, now back on camera. “Excited?”

“Yes, Chef!” The kids know to yell in response.

Oona’s signature dish at her someday restaurant (which will only serve “well-to-do people”) will be scallops two ways: scallop crudo with a yuzu ponzu sauce and crispy wontons, plus seared scallops with a soy foam and a ginger scallion oil.

But Oona’s only fried four eggs, the judges point out, so now what?

“I’m just going to do the seared scallops because that shows more skill…or I’ll… I don’t know,” Oona says, smiling without a trace of the worry an adult in her position would show.

Later, Ramsay tells me that he helps them before they kick off the pantry run and cooking, “just to stop them from panicking.”

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Oona and her blender. Greg Gaynes / BuzzFeed

“She needs to understand that you got four ingredients, so it’s scallops, cauliflower, grapefruit, and I think orange segments,” Ramsay says. “So the cauliflower puree, Oona wants cream in there. There’s no greater way to do a cauliflower puree than to take the florets, blanch them in rapidly boiling water, get them just cooked, take them out, blend them, and add the water they were cooked in back to it. So those kind of techniques is what I need to step in and say, ‘Get concerned but don’t get upset.’”

Before they film the pantry run, there’s an off-camera “culinary pause” and Birdsong goes from kid to kid asking them exactly what ingredients they are going to get and what they will plate. She’s writing it down and either giving them advice or just flat-out telling them what to do. The producers are getting impatient — they need to make this quick — but Birdsong is determined to make sure the kids know what they are doing.

“What’s your starch going to be?” she asks one of them.

“Do I have to have a starch?” he says.

Sean, who has successfully fried the most eggs with his 10, is playing the hand-slap game with Logan while Birdsong tries to get them to focus.

The PR person trailing me is looking around for a senior production person to say if it’s OK that I am watching this happen.

Once the clock starts, the kids have an hour to cook. Bastianich immediately goes over to Abby, who has only two ingredients: salmon and asparagus.

“We never cook for them,” Gordon says later, adding that there was a moment in another challenge when he helped Abby cut butternut squash because he felt she was about to slice her hand open. “We help, we advise … my job is to protect them, health and safety.”

While most of the kids specified that their restaurants would be expensive and serve “rich people,” “fancy people,” or “investment bankers,” Abby wants her “restaurant-slash-vet’s clinic to be a good restaurant and serve healthy food.” And it will be called Horses and Courses.

“Um, how about getting a pan out so we can start thinking about this?” Bastianich says to Abby, who, if she wins, says she will give the $100,000 prize money to charity after she buys a horse. “How are you going to do the asparagus?”

“I’m gonna sauté and boil them,” she says.

“That’s a good idea, boil them first so you know they’re cooked then sauté them with oil and salt and pepper to give them a little flavor … Oops, they’re too long to fit in that pan…”

One of the kids cuts herself and two medics rush in with Band-Aids and antiseptic.

Birdsong and the other producers say they take every precaution to keep the kids safe and reassure the parents with fully trained medics always on site, knife and open-flame safety classes, and judges who will step in to help. But at the same time, the episodes definitely play with the peril of kids fumbling with giant food processors stored on high-up shelves and handling knives as big as their arms. Because that’s the rule: Treat them the same as the adults.

“I mean, obviously we all cringe every once in a while when they’re holding the knife wrong or they grab something and it’s hot or they’re fixing to do something and it’s scary,” she says, “but we’re there, and [the parents] know we’re there.” The judges will intervene and help, Ramsay says, if they see a child doing something that seems too dangerous.

The most common injuries, Birdsong says, are small burns, because the kids often forget when they pull something out of their oven and put it on the counter that it’s still hot and touch it later. She trains them to put a towel on any hot pans as a reminder.

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Mitchell and Sam in the pantry. Greg Gayne / FOX

Adaiah hollers that she needs an adult to open a jar for her. That’s allowed, and a culinary producer steps in. But when Samuel asks if he can go back in the pantry because he got a wrong ingredient or something, it’s not.

“They try to break the rules when they can,” Birdsong says. She is always impressed with how much they are capable of in technical classes and during taping. “It’s easy because they’re kids, so they learn quick. They respond, too, if I told them to do something right — now they’ll remember that forever.”

Oona is blending her cauliflower puree nearby and Birdsong silently motions to her, mock-sprinkling her hand, giving her the universal symbol for “don’t forget to salt.”

“She had extra time, so she did make her scallops two ways,” whispers a producer into her earpiece microphone, talking about Oona. “She just didn’t make the foam.”

There’s not really a sense of last-minute panic that the TV show conveys as the kids begin to plate. They’ve been able to finish. This, too, is part of Birdsong’s job: The producers rely on her to design challenges that are as short and as hard as possible so that “the hands-up moment is really a hands-up moment,” she says. And she tests the timed challenges before each taping the exact same way for the kids and the adult contestants “because the kids are just as good as the adults.”

The kids finish cooking and the PR person who trailed me while I was there asks me to step out of the building with him. This was quite obviously a pivotal moment and I wanted to see how the judging went down, so I asked why I had to leave, and he said that they didn’t want the show “to get overexposed.”

Optimistically, what was happening was that the judges and producers were looking at the kids’ plates and figuring out who would win and who would go home, and maybe cleaning them up…a little.

After about 25 minutes I’m let back inside; the judging portion has started.

Birdsong is now holding a piece of paper with quickly sketched drawings of all eight kids’ plates on it, and as one of the kids places his plate in front of the judges, I hear Birdsong say into her mic, “That plate needs a spin.”

Seeing those sketches, I think of the extra kitchen I had seen backstage, the one where a small staff of busy adults was talking about tempura batter recipes from various L.A. restaurants. Could they possibly cook all the food after Birdsong talks to the kids before the pantry run, just in case?

“Oh, no way, we wouldn’t be able to do that,” says Birdsong. “We have someone from legal at every single production day and they would not allow something like that to happen. We’re governed by that.” Birdsong says the parents are also introduced to the legal team and can at any point during taping ask to speak to them.

Even so, I wanted to go and look in that kitchen, see how busy they had been while the kids had been cooking, and what was in their trash. But I couldn’t: The PR person babysitting me was going to shepherd me to the next interview then directly to my car in the parking lot.

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Greg Gayne / FOX

After the judging, little Logan in his bow tie with his underseasoned rice is safe. But two other contestants are sent home. The producers intentionally send kids home in pairs to make it easier on them.

In one episode, a girl who was sobbing when she’s told she’s being eliminated is five minutes later smiling and says, “I am sad I have to leave but I’m excited to go home and see my dad and my dog.”

I sit down with Elliot and Bastianich on some couches near the set. Taping is done for the day. They look exhausted. Elliot wipes his face, forces a cheerful mood, and tries to be friendly. Bastianich doesn’t look up from his cell phone.

“What you just saw was challenging, goddamnit,” says Bastianich. “Sending these kids home is horrible; it’s hard.”

I ask point-blank if anything is done to the food before the judges judge it.

“No,” says Bastianich, still on his phone. “It is what it is.”

He seems relieved for Abby, who was not sent home. “You know, whether she cooked that salmon perfectly by accident or not, but she cooked it better than a 12-year-old boy did.”

I ask if they think all of the kids will really become chefs one day. They say no, of course not all of them, and they’re not trying to push restaurant work on them. This gets Bastianich’s attention.

“I think the more relevant question is the 6 million kids and adults who are watching,” he says, seizing an opportunity to give a positive spin and talk about something he’s proud of. “What message does that send to them, because that’s the greater impact, right? I think it’s a very positive one. We think that this is the cure, not the problem, for food-related issues in our society — whether it’s childhood obesity, whatever — knowing about the food, how to cook it, how to source it, how to manage it, is a very positive message that these kids launch for everyone else.”

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Greg Gayne / FOX

A few months later I reach out to Jack, a contestant from Season 1, and ask his mom if I could visit them at home. I want to see how well he can actually cook.

A 12-year-old seventh-grader now, Jack was 10 when he taped the show in 2013 and ended up an audience favorite because of his New York accent, the colorful Hawaiian shirts he wore on every episode, and his maniac chopping skills.

At his neighbor’s beautiful, two-story home in Far Rockaway, New York (their house is under construction, his mom says), Jack is going to sear a thick steak with a coffee and cacao powder rub and roast some butternut squash.

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Jack Photograph by Lauren Zaser for BuzzFeed

“I’m going to try to cook it medium rare, so it’s a nice brown on the outside but pink to red color in the middle, because I feel like it allows the beef’s natural flavors to shine through,” he says.

Will he use a thermometer?

“I just go by touch,” he says, pointing out the “nice brown color” that’s developing as he sears not just two sides but every surface of the steak, standing it up vertically and letting it rest on the side of the pan, which most adults would not think to do.

“I actually prefer it on the pan than cooked on the grill,” he says. “It tastes more elegant.”

It’s been two and a half years since Jack taped MasterChef Junior and he’s still obsessed with cooking, though he also plays tennis, the trombone, and the piano, and says he’s into wrestling. He still has his adorable smile but is in the middle of a preteen growth spurt; something about the ratio of his calves to his feet gives away that he might be a lot taller very soon.

Jack holds the knife properly; he’s stacking parsley leaves one on top of the other, rolling them into a cigar shape then slicing through the roll for a proper chiffonade. This technique is something I couldn’t tell if the kids I saw during the taping were doing because I couldn’t get close enough. Unlike Alexander, the 13-year-old who won the first season, Jack has not been staging at restaurants like Del Posto and Lure Fishbar.

My paranoia about the realness of the show is fading. This child is a very good cook.

The major thing he learned on MasterChef, he says, was time management. “I learned that you should always heat up your pan before you heat up the oil, because if you don’t then the oil can burn on you. That was big.”

Jack starts to loosen up, talking about cooking with a lot of authority, and I realize he narrates each step like a TV personality. “So we’re just going to let this [steak] sit here for a little longer, to let it cook a little bit, and then we’ll put it on here [a cutting board] to rest…”

Then all of a sudden he’s a kid again: “…Umm, so, because if you didn’t let it rest once you put it on the plate it just sort of, like, all the blood just, like, squirts out and it looks all red on your plate and everything is ruined and it’s horrible and you’re like, ‘No!’ But when you cut the filet mignon on the board, all the blood comes out on the plate so when you put it on your real plate, then it looks perfect.”

He, like Oona, learned most of what he knows about cooking from television. “One day I just turned on the TV and Chopped happened to be on there and I didn’t feel like getting the remote and changing it to cartoons, so I just kept watching Chopped.” So basically, food TV is responsible not only for breeding the next stars of food TV, but also, maybe, causing children who might otherwise beg for processed fast food to want to help cook dinner from scratch.

After carefully examining his steak to find the grain, Jack slices it to reveal a perfect medium-rare. He plates slices artfully next to his cubed butternut squash then wipes the sides of the plate like a cook at the pass.

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Photograph by Lauren Zaser for BuzzFeed

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