#HOW ARE YOU TAKING THE FUCKING CAKE FOR BIGGEST IDIOT IVE EVER SEEN?

[dearreader]

something very odd about a person nearing 30 who’s hyperfixated on a character for 10+ years not able to understand that he was intentionally written as a villian and that what he does is bad but goes out of there way to say other characters are worse for the same things he does with the only difference between the two being they’re not their fav and feel remorse for their actions

[peanut-butter-parkerxx]

hickey prank...gone wrong

y/n wanted to prank the avengers for forgetting to hide a hickey she got from a 'mysterious boy' after she finished pranking them and telling them its fake, peter came in and NOT so subtly asked her when he did that since they're secretly dating

pairing: peter x stark!reader

status: secretly dating

y/n's pov

ive been watching a lot of youtube lately, it literally became my best friend, i scrolled through my recommendations and found a 'hickey prank' video, i smiled to myself already knowing im about to do it, and clicked on the video

It was a girl pranking her parents for getting a hickey, i watched the girl make the fake hickey on her neck, and i was considering to ask peter to do one for me that would be more entertaining but that would obviously backfire if i couldnt wipe it out

so i didnt ask him, another thing is that peter and i have been secretly dating for around a month now, my dad, tony stark, strictly told peter that i am off limits but were still dating and its been the best month ever.

anyways, i opened my vanity drawer and got my eye shadow pallet, i decided on a spot to make the 'hickey' and started adding dark colored eye shadow to make it look believable, the end result looked pretty good, and i know that from experience ;)

it ws on the right side of my neck right below my ear, i opened my two braids to cover the 'hickey' took my phone to record this i already know chaotic experience since this is the avengers we're talking about and left my room while i was walking in the hallway i got a text from peter saying:

MY baby 🥰🧸: coming in 15! xx

I squealed from excitment coz its been a week since ive seen him because of his exams and everything but back to the prank

i walked inside our kitchen/living room and the avengers were scattered everywhere since they just finished a mission and now theyre hungry af, perfect

i snuck my phone behind a bowl of fresh fruits and acted normally trying to contain my nervousness and excitement

"hey guys!" i said looking at the kitchen island that filled with delicious hot meals, yumm

"hey sweetie" dad said kissing my cheek, and everybody mumbled a 'hey' since they're too busy stuffing theyre mouths with food

"hows the mission?" i asked curiously, thor, sam and scott completely ignored me trying to stuff everything in, nat and wanda were talking about how stupid one of the men were for flirting with them and comepletely beat the shit out of him for makig inappropriate comment, my girls I thought and steve, dad, bruce, and bucky answered my question

they've always had a soft spot for me and hated whenever i got ignored, i smile at them grateful that they didnt ignore me even though i wouldnt get mad i mean im also starving

i continued on eating arguing with sam on who will get the biggest slice of the chocolate cake wanda made, but then i remembered i came here to do the prank so i decided its time

i looked infront of me checking if my phone is still recording and it was, its been recording for 8 minutes now so i excused myself from the table to go 'get some fruit'

i quickly grabbed an apple and rerecorded the video, "so what do you guys wanna do? peters coming in a few" i said taking my hair and secured it behind my ear, its been exposed its been exposed omg omg omg i tried to calm down a bit coz in any second someone could spot my 'hickey'

"oh, we could have a movie night, you know, coz peter finished school so we should celebrate" my dad said looking at me then looking back at his food but looked at me again eyes widened, he spotted it ABORT MISSION OMG OMG

I looked down at my food trying not to run from the glare hes giving me

"y/n?" my dad asked, his tone has never been this serious before, oh shit

"y-yes" i squeecked god pull it together y/n, its not real

"what is that on your neck" he pointed out, which grabbed everyones attention, great, all eyes were on me, steve, bucky and bruce widened their eyes shocked, wanda and nat were smirking, sam, scott, and clint were laughing their asses off while thor looked as clueless as a baby

i was sitting at the center of the table and i just wanted to sink in and get absorbed my the marble walls

"w-what do you mean?" i asked 'confused' i grabbed nats phone that was between us, opened the camera and gasped trying to act surprised and scared "I-I uhhh" I let go of my hair so it can cover it again "I-I burned my self while curling my hair" I nervously blurted out, wow I'm a great actress

"that does not look like a burn young lady what is that?" Steve buts in, anger literally fuming from his ears and eyes Bucky glaring at me trying to think of every boy I've ever interacted with

"I curled my hair uncle Steve!" I replied rolling my eyes

"THAT IS NOT A BURN HUN THATS A HICKEY" my dad got out of his chair clearly getting angrier by the second

"ITS NOT DAD, YOU THINK I COULD HOOK UP WITH BOYS WHEN IM BEING WATCHED 24/7?" I shot back standing as well, everybody gasped

"what is a hickey if I may interrupt"

"SHUT UP" the rest of the team said clearly enjoying this

"I wanna know who's D y/n got" Sam said laughing

"was he at least good?" Nad asked smirking

"please tell me you used protection" Wanda asked concerned

"WHO IS IT" all three of them said

"NO ONE!" I shouted

"why is he that important that you have to be so secretive of him?" Bucky suddenly blurts out tightening his fists so hard his knuckles could pop out

"maybe he's special" nat smirked

"y/n" my dad said in a warningly tone "if you don't tell us who this idiot is I swear I'm gonna let Bruce turn into the hulk and smash every boys house that you've ever interacted with" I felt like that was enough, and obviously got everyone's attention, I tried to contain my laughter coz they're faced are just hilarious waiting for me to tell them who it is

"it's....it's...a-a..A PRANK!" I laughed, everybody looked at me speechless clearly not buying it

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS A PRANK THERE'S STILL A HICKEY ON YOUR NECK" my dad shouted

"yeah a FAKE one" I took the wipe from my back pocket, wiping my 'hickey' and gestured to the smudged make up "SEE??" I laughed

Steve, Bucky, Bruce and my dad looked relieved, nat, Scott, Wanda, Clint, and Sam looked...disappointed?? And Thor was still clueless as ever, I walked to the counter to stop recording

"YOU WERE RECORDING?" Wanda scoffed

"do not do that to us a again young lady I was gonna get a heart attack" Steve warned leaving the table

"doll" Bucky said and I looked at him "if I ever see a boy with you this close" he gestured between him and I "I will squish their face and pull his brains out with my bare hand" he warned

and for a second I thought of Peter, I swear he's gonna get killed if they know what 'helping him study' and 'looking after me' means I just rolled my eyes at their stupid behavior

"so y/n didn't get any D yesterday? Poor thing" Sam laughs

"SAM I SWEAR YOUR NEXT ON THE LIST" dad said walking out of the kitchen

"for the first time in forever IM glad this was a prank coz the poor boy would've been dead just by the glares he'll get" I laughed shaking my head after the hilarious prank we cleaned up the kitchen island

"ok guys I'm gonna go to my room to clean this...mess" I gestured to my neck full of smudged make up

"hey guys, what did I miss?" Peter walked in the living room a few minutes after i left

"oh just y/n being y/n, she'll tell you what happened" Scott laughed which confused Peter but he ignored it m opened the fridge to get a snack and go to your room,

like I said it's been a week since he's seen you so he was very excited to kiss you hug you and just shower you with affection...in secret obviously

he knocked on my door doing our secret pattern and barged into my room

"HEY PETER" I almost shouted jumping onto him crossing my legs on his torso and snuggling my headphones to his neck

"hey baaaby" he whispered kissing my temple

"ITS BEEN AGES" I whisper shouted

"that it has" he whispered back finally connecting his lips with mine, And slowly walked to the bed, he sat down which resulted in me straddling his lap

"I missed you" I mumbled hovering his lips a bit

"I missed his more" his voice was lower than usual which made my hormones go haywire, he started pampering me with kisses

"I *kiss* miss *kiss* you *kiss* so *kiss* fucking *kiss* much" he said

"oh since when does innocent Peter Parker swear" i teased looking at his eyes

"since I've dated you" he shot back "when I started dating you, you made me feel and become like a normal horny teenage boy" he kissed me again

"well, im glad you feel...normal" I laughed, he started kissing my neck again and unfortunately my dad was walking past my bedroom at the time

"is this a bruise or just a very messy hickey I gave you, coz if it is I better fix it" he smirked already knowing it's not his but just finding an excuse to do one on me

"oh it's just a prank I did to the team which thankfully I recorded so you can see it"

"how bout I make it a real one?" He smirked

"Yes plea-"

"WHAT?" my dad barged in PERFECT TIMING DAD

"PETER BENJAMIN FUCKING PARKER YOU HAVE 3 SECONDS TO LEAVE THIS COMPOUND BEFORE I FRENCH FRY THAT WHAT I THOUGHT WAS INNOCENT BRAIN OF YOURS"

"RUN PETE RUNNN"

🏃‍♂️ 💨

Have a wonderful morning/afternoon/evening/night!

-quacksonlover

[pineapplesareunderrated]

Bullymongs

Angel sends Rhys to Sanctuary. She also wants him to bring Claptrap with him. He doesn't like it, but what choice does he have ? No matter how badass you may be, anyone will happily lay down their life for a pretty girl, with big, blue eyes.

Previous 

“So, this Sanctuary is like, a city full of bandits?”

“More or less.”

“And you want me to go there.”

“That is correct.”

“To join them in fighting against Handsome Jack?”

“Precisely.”

“Are you out of your mind? Why would I want to do that?”

Angel rolled her eyes. “He tried to kill you. Remember?”

“He is not the first person who tried doing that. And I bet what’s left in my wallet that he is not the last one either.”

“Jack has been terrorizing this planet for almost a decade. Many innocent people lost their lives because of this person. He claims himself to be the saviour of Pandora but all he does is bringing fear and death to its citizens.”

“Oh, you mean all those lovely people running around in masks made of…Other lovely people?”

Angel stayed silent for a moment. “Either you go to Sanctuary, or you will stay here with Claptrap.”

Rhys frowned at her, turning to look at the yellow coloured robot who was currently searching for something in his closet, making noises that remotely resembled dubstep. “Can’t you just get me out of here without me going to the Sanctuary?”

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

“Roland will need all the help he can get. You are a Vault Hunter. Meaning he needs you.”

“What part of – I hate bandits they destroyed my whole life, I’d rather choke myself with my own fists than to ever work with them – did you not understand?”

“Alright Rhys. Let me clear one thing for you. Right now, you are stuck on this planet. Only way to get out of here, is in a spaceship. And those are expensive. You will need a lot of money to get a ticket on one of them. How much money do you currently have on you, Rhys?”

Angel grinned when the brunet didn’t respond, looking back at her with pissed frown. “Thought so. You know Rhys, they might be bandits, but they pay well. Work for them for a while and you will be looking at Pandora from space in no time.”

Rhys hid his face into his palm.

Angel was right. He knew she was right from the beginning of their conversation. He just didn’t want to admit it. Working for bandits? That was a new low, even for him. He didn’t like it. But staying on Pandora after the job for Handsome Jack was currently on hiatus, that he liked even less.

“Oh, god fine you’re right. So how do I get there?”

The AI smiled victoriously. “Just follow Claptrap. He knows the way.”

“Why do I need to take him with me? Don’t you think my brain cells have suffered enough?”

“You will need him to open the doors for you.”

“Couldn’t you do it instead? You already hacked into my ECHO eye, opening a door should be a piece of cake for an AI like yourself, no?”

“That is correct. But I want you to take him with you.”

“Why is that?”

“He is such a cute thing. Would be shame to just leave him here.”

Rhys looked over his shoulder at Claptrap who now added dancing to his little performance.

“You are joking.”

“Not at all. Just take him with you.” Angel winked at him, really enjoying his reaction.

Rhys was staring at her with narrowed eyes. “Claptrap! Let’s go. I don’t wanna spend here more time than I have to.”

“Alright! To Sanctuary it is. Follow me minioooooo-“Claptrap yelled  as one of the biggest bullymongs Rhys has ever seen – true, he hasn’t seen much, but still – just came out of the hole in roof, grabbing Claptrap by his “head” and swinging with him like if he was a rattle. For some reason, it decided that the most interesting thing on Claptrap was his eye. So, it took it out, accompanied with Claptrap’s loud yell “My eye!” and left the same way it came, throwing the robot back on the ground.

No, please, take him with you. I don’t want him. Rhys thought desperately, watching as the eye missing robot was unsuccessfully trying to regain his orientation. Needless to say, it was really entertaining thing to watch. He tried throwing a desperate look at Angel, but she was already gone.

“Minion! I will need you to be my eyes.” Claptrap announced after hitting the same spot for the fifth time. “Just tell me if I am going to walk into something.”

Yeah, right. Rhys smiled to himself after watching him hit the same stone again.

“I will just assume that you didn’t see that.” Claptrap mumbled, moving away from the stone just to hit another one. He looked so pathetic, it made Rhys feel sorry for him.

The brunet rolled his eyes. I am way too soft for my own good. “Here, hold my hand.”

“Oh, thank you minion! “Claptrap singed happily, catching the offered hand. “Now, let’s go on our adventure. We will be like two soldiers on battlefield! United and inseparable. You will be the muscles, I will be the brain. You will be the wheel, I will be the driver. You will be-“

“I am throwing you out of the cliff if you won’t shut up.”

“Understood sir.” Claptrap responded happily.

Rhys didn’t believe it could be possible, but the unit actually did stay quiet for a moment, leaving the two of them walk in almost complete silence trough the frozen land.

That was until more bullymong came. Then he started screaming hysterically.

“Protect me squire!” The unit shrieked as it was rushing to hide behind a piece of ice.

Rolling his eyes, Rhys loaded the shotgun he found at Claptrap’s place and fired a few rounds into the closest bullymong. But the gun was a cheap piece of shit and it took at least four shots to get one of the animals down. By the time, he killed all six of them, his count of ammunition was on dangerously low level.

“This won’t do.” He said more to himself than to the unit, who came back from his hideout after the last animal stopped moving. For the fact that he couldn’t see, Claptrap was able to hide admirably fast. “I am already running low on ammunition, and we just left the cave.”

“Well, you can always try searching the piles of snow.”

“Heh, right.”

“There are usually some ammos hidden in them.”

“Wait, what?” Rhys turned back to face the robot.

“Yeah! Nobody really knows who keeps putting them in there, but you can always find something really useful in those things.”

Rhys looked at the nearest pile of snow. He found it hard to believe that there might actually be something hidden in there. But the robot didn’t look like he was joking. Still, hard to tell with this guy, judging by the fact that he had no facial expressions and his voice is always in the same tone.

Rhys sighed, feeling like an idiot as he approached the snow pile. “Just punch it with your robotic arm. It will break and you can take whatever flies out of it.” Claptrap called behind him.

Punch it. Right. I can do that. Rhys swung his arm and hit it with all his might. To his surprise, some ammunition actually did fly of the snow landing in from of Rhys’s foots. “You´ve gotta be kidding me.”

He picked up all the ammo and repeated the same action with the other piles before his magazine was full. “Alright, that should do for a while. Let’s go.” Rhys announced, reoffering his arm to Claptrap.

The moment Claptrap grabbed it, his ECHO communicator went on, voice coming out of it before he even had the chance to pick up.

“Hey, kiddo. Jack here, president of Hyperion.” Rhys froze in the middle of step. Oh my god. It´s Handsome Jack. Handsome Jack is talking to me. “Let me explain how things work here. Vault Hunter shows up. Vault Hunter looks for the new vault. Vault Hunter gets killed. By me. Seeing the problem here? You’re still alive. So, if you could just do me a favour and off yourself, that’d be great.”

“What, Handsome Jack wants me do to the job that he fucked up? What a surprise!” Rhys slammed the palm over his mount, but the words were already out.

The other line was quiet for a while. “Heh. Cute. See ya later pumpkin.”

There was a sound announcing the end of the call and then the ECHO went off. Rhys stayed in the same position for a few moments, before putting the ECHO back into his pocket.

“Wow. I never thought I would see someone to back talk to Handsome Jack.” Claptrap said, still holding Rhys’s hand. “Well, technically I didn’t see it, with my eye still missing. But you got my point.”

“Yeah, well what can I say? “Rhys chuckled, still processing the fact that he just had a private phone call with Handsome Jack. “I’ve inherited my mother’s sharp tongue.”

***

Jack had a hangover. A really bad one to that. His head hurt as hell and every little noise he heard felt like it had a volume of a thunder.

He spent the night playing Gun Game Online IV and drinking his finest whisky. But after the fifth level Jack gave up on the game and focused his full attention on the honey coloured liquid. The first bottle was empty before he knew it and as the morning came, second bottle was, more or less, in the same state.

Jack winked a couple of times, trying to get his blurred vison under control. Without a success.

He groaned at the sound of his ECHO beeping. Jack grabbed the little box and accepted the call without even looking at the name.

“What?!” He barked into the microphone.

“I have spoken with the surviving Vault Hunter.”

“Oh, Angel. You did? And what…What did they say?”

The second end of the line was quiet for a while. “Jack, are you drunk?”

“What? Me? Drunk? Pfff…don’t be ridiculous Angel. I don’t get drunk.”

“Sure. I will call you later.”

“No, no no no. Don’t do that. I am fine. I am fine, just tell me how did it go? Who is the lucky bastard that got to see my special fireworks and live to tell about it?”

Angel sighed. “It’s the developer. The one with the robotic eye. He is known for upgrading his guns or even making his own. People call him the Company man, but I don’t really know why and from what I understood he doesn’t use the nickname himself. He goes under the name Rhys.”

“Rhys, Rhys… Hmm, nope doesn’t ring any bells. Could you send me his file so I can take a look at what we are dealing with here?”

“Sure. But it won’t be much. Whoever this guy is, he is really good in hiding his tracks. I wasn’t able to find any of his personal files. All we got is a few police records and some photos made by our safety cameras.”

“Yeah, whatever. Just send them here will ya?”

“They are already in your mail box. Right now, Rhys is on his way to Sanctuary, but he hasn’t even left the Windshear Waste.”

“Alright. Keep an eye on him for me and let me know whenever he does something interesting.”

“Of course, Jack.” Beeping noise announced the end of their call. Jack shoved his ECHO communicator back into his pocket and slowly stood up. It was a challenging task, considering the fact that his head just wouldn’t stop spinning. But with enough willpower, he managed to get to his computer and open the file Angel just sent him.

First thing that popped up was a picture taken by one of the Hyperion’s security cameras on Eden 6. It showed Rhys, who was just about to enter one of Hyperion’s facilities through the window, looking over his shoulder, as if checking for someone who might be following him. However, Jack couldn’t read much of his features, partly because the picture was taken during a night, and partly because his vision hasn’t fully regenerated itself yet.

But what he did notice was a silver prosthesis arm. He didn’t see any logo on it, meaning that it had to be home-made. Jack let out an admirable whistle. You either had to be rich as fuck to afford one of those, or incredibly skilful to be able to make them on your own, without risking it exploding the moment you attach it to your body.

Angel was right about the lack of information Hyperion had on this guy. There were a few notes about him clearing a bandit camps here and there, stealing something from the companies’ stocks or doing some lower jobs like a delivery or finding a missing person. Nothing really interesting what could help anyone to find out more about him.

Jack got back to search through his photos – only photos, no videos which was really suspicious. Almost like someone took his sweet time with separating things he was willing to share from those that were actually useful – and stopped at one where Rhys was looking right into the objective of the camera.

The picture was taken in some city Jack didn’t recognize. Rhys’s flesh hand was running through his brown hair, destroying his trim haircut. He was wearing black shirt with metallic looking vest. Jack wondered if it was bulletproof. Heh, probably not. Nobody wore bulletproof vests anymore, After Atlas came up with electromagnetic shields, those things were good for nothing but slowing you down. Plus, they never covered more than half of your body.

Jack zoomed in on the boy’s mismatched eyes. Unlike himself, he had one brown and the other light blue. Wait. Didn’t Angel say something about him having an ECHO eye? That must be it. Heh. This boy must be tougher than he looks. Jack remembered when Wilhelm told him about his first surgery, when he was getting the first ECHO eye. “It was a close one.” He said. “The doctors told me that they were sure that I was a goner. My brain just turned off during the surgery. They said that I was lucky to be so strong built. Took more than a few incapable doctors to get me to stop kicking.” Jack had been thinking about getting one of those for himself, but this conversation made him change his mind.

Other thing Jack couldn’t help but notice, was that the boy was really good looking. Like damn, he was hot! Jack had seen some pretty faces among the Vault Hunters, but they mostly belonged to girls. Male Vault Hunters all tend to keep this tough image, making themselves look as if they were ready to crush your bones just by looking at you.

Rhys’ features on the other hand were soft. Almost too soft for a guy, a Vault Hunter to that. He didn’t make the impression of someone who would be able to survive an explosion, and walk away from that like nothing happened. Jack even considered calling Angel again to ask her if she’d sent him the right files.

But then he got a better idea. He will call Rhys instead and talk to him himself! Just to see how things really are with this guy.

Not bothering to think about what he was going to say, he quickly searched for the signal of the Vault Hunter’s ECHO communicator and dialled it.

One of the many advantages of being the owner of a billion dollars’ company was that you didn’t have to wait for others to pick up your calls. The moment their ECHO reads your ID, it just picks up itself.

Time to make a good impression. Jack thought the moment he heard noise announcing his ECHO call being successfully connected.

“Hey kiddo. Jack here, president of Hyperion.” Yeah right. As if he needed to introduce himself. He heard a gasp from the other side of the line as the kid realized who was calling him. Alright. He got his attention. Now what?

“Let me explain how things work here. Vault Hunter shows up. Vault Hunter looks for the new vault. Vault Hunter gets killed. By me. Seeing the problem here? You’re still alive. So, if you could just do me a favour and off yourself, that’d be great.” Good old threatening. Never fails.

Jack didn’t really expect the kid to respond anything to that. He wouldn’t expect anyone to respond to that. But before he managed to end the call, he heard a honeyed voice coming out of the speaker.  “What, Handsome Jack wants me do to the job that he fucked up? What a surprise!”

Jack stayed quiet for a second, unsure if he heard that right. Did the kid just back talked to him?

“Heh. Cute. See ya later pumpkin.” The CEO responded sarcastically before hanging up.

Kid´s got balls. He thought to himself. Well, he just signed his death sentence. Nobody back talks to Handsome Jack and gets away with it. Jack pressed the blue button on his table, calling his secretary.

“Morning sir.” Meg answered from her office.

“Hey Meg. Get me on the Pandora’s broadcast will ya? Need to do my morning announcement.” He stopped for a second.

“And where the fuck is my coffee?!”

“Right away, sir.”

Jack smiled to himself. So, Rhys. Let’s see how you manage to keep running the pretty mouth of yours after I get the whole planet chasing after your guts.

[xpwewarchive]

XPWEW Friday Night Pyro (3-27-2020)

Friday Night Pyro Episode #419 March 27th, 2020 Los Angeles, California The Barracks

Show Intro

Commentary: Kaitlyn Khaos & Nick Simmonds

Opening Segment: Champagne Clausen comes down dapperly dressed. Champagne: “It was last January at Guilty as Charged I was in the midst of the most dominant world title run in this promotion. And I warned the All Man not to metal in that and what did he do..he did. I told him then that “consequences will never be the same!” And it took this long, whether it was our bean-headed general manger Romeo Roselli who told me I couldn’t challenge for the title as long as he was champion well then just like I thought and just like everyone else All Man proved he was indeed “just a TRANSITIONAL champion” and now here we stand. 2 days! 2 days! I get my hands on that rat and I get my hands on that smiling, that fake, that fraud, that snake in sheep’s clothing Golden Bryce. I get my hands on both of them. I don’t gotta pin em, I don’t gotta knock them out, I don’t even have to snap their leg in half. ALL I HAVE TO DO is hit one move. Three times. In the blink of a second, in the pop of a cork I can be world champion again

Freight Train enters Train: “I think you might have a bad memory Curtis cause I remember it was only 6 or 7 days ago in this building you pushed my friend. You hit your daddy. You did a bad thang. Well you know what you might have just pissed me of. I took Troy off the medicines and Sunday he’s gonna have a lot to say so you better cover your hind-end or say I’m sorry cause I bet he’s real mad Champagne: Huh...haha Do they call you Freight Train because your the size of a train or do they call you Freight Train because your mind tends to slip off of the tracks. Because NEWS FLASH idiot! He’s a vegetable! He has no memory, no frame of reference since Halloween! Y’know the one with candy! Bring em out! I’m sure he’ll come out here and tell nobody in the crowd that he’s the best, we’ll I’ll say this if he does anything again to impede MY SPOTLIGHT. I’m gonna do more than sedate him. I’ll sedate him permanently and you can whisper that to that human bag of meat. So why don’t you go do that

Freight Train slumps his shoulders and leaves he keeps looking back sadly

Champagne: LEAVE!

All Man, All Woman & Scott Steiner enter

Steiner : Your daddy issues are nobody’s concern your moron. Nobody gives a damn about your carrot cake brain daddy ok all people wanna see is THE POPPA BACK ON PYRO! LOOK AT THE LARGEST ARMS IN THE WORLD

2 weeks ago! I got checked into the hospital and I looked the grim reaper right in his beetie eyes and told him I ain’t leaving until the ALL MAN wins the title 2 times! 2 times!

All Man: 2 times! 2 times!

Champagne: that’s cute, I’m looking to do what neither of you have done. Win that title a second time myself, All Man really? Let’s recall your title reign, you beat me after I had a hard fought match, you beat me with a low battery okay and then you defended it at Flirting With Disaster and Golden Bryce beat you in 8 minutes and let’s see Scott I’ll use your math here.

Steiner: HEY THATS MY GIMMICK! GIVE IT BACK! GIVE IT BACK TO ME!

Golden Bryce enters with the TITLE

Golden Bryce: I feel like I’m watching Step Brothers right now lol both of you sound the same. Complaining. Not doing. I MEAN GUYS! 48 hours! 3 finishers. ZERO FANS! Oh wait sorry Tenille, I respect women!! Scott! glad to see you’ve made a 100% recovery

Steiner: SHUT UP GOLDYLOCKS

Bryce: corpses tries not to laugh

Steiner: Listen up!

All Woman: Scott Steiner!, This Sunday it’s going to be a 3 Way Dance for the XPWEW World Title at Blitzkrieg between All Man, Champagne Clausen and Golden Bryce! What’s your opinion on the upcoming bout?

Steiner: **You know they say that ALL MEN are created equal but you look at the ALL MAN and you look at Champagne Clausen and you can see that statement is not true. See normally if you go 1 on 1 with the another wrestler you got a 50/50 chance of winning. But All Man is ALL IN and he’s not normal. So you got a 25% chance AT BEST of beating All Man at Blitzkrieg! Then you add GOLDYLOCKS to the mix! Your chances drastic go UP! Because he can’t win a big main event match to save him life and he ain’t even gonna try! See the 3 way at Blitzkrieg. You got a 33 1/3rd chance of winning, but All Man! All Man has got a 66% and 2/3rd’s chance of winning!

Senior Champagne! The numbers don’t lie and they spell disaster for you at Blitzkrieg!

Kaitlyn Khaos: “I’ve just gotten word from General Manger Romeo Roselli that tonight! The world champion Golden Bryce will go 1 on 1 with Champagne Clausen and All Woman will act as the special guest referee. That’s gonna be interesting and that is tonight’s main event!”

<<Let’s get this COVID-19 awareness episode of Pyro under way and take it straight to the action!

1 on 1 M1: Doxy Deity defeats All Woman w/ All Man and Scott Steiner @ ringside

<<<Back and forth contest, both competitors were able to get action and offense, This match showcased All Woman even in LOSS because she’s had very limited ring time in the Fed since joining last July but this match we got to see her shine a bit because she really has only had a handful of matches here. In the end Doxy would catch All Woman mid air off the top rope then hits her finish in a great matchup. Quick and fast paced. Steiner’s ringside commentary made it funnier” Steiner: “Do it for my freaks?!!!!”

[PROMO\Hype] Lockdown 7 in 56 days May 23rd, 2020 Dubai, United Arab Emirates mini documentary showing performers hyping up the biggest event of the year

[In-ring segment] Interview from James Westerbeck! XPWEW INTERNATIONAL CHAMPION! Slayer w/ Rosemary& Lotus

Priscilla Kelly bathtub promo }}} Priscilla via Titan tron challenges Slayer to a match for the xpwew international title this Sunday at Blitzkrieg

Slayer accepts So just like that! BREAKING NEWS! This Sunday at Blitzkrieg Slayer will defend his XPWEW International Title 1 on 1 against Priscilla Kelly! Sheeeeeeeeee’s baaaaaaaaaaack

((Slayer walks to the back)) (((Rosemary joins the commentary booth with Kaitlyn Khaos and Nick Simmonds and she’s in character the whole time and Rosemary is creeping Kaitlyn Khaos our the whole time, absolute golden on the mic during this match. Hyping Lotus up!

1 on 1 M2: Lotus defeats Genevalisse

PROMO: XPWEW commercial informing all the UK fans that we sincerely apologize that Blitzkrieg set for this Sunday was suppose to take place at the O2 in London but not to worry because! *Anarchy in the UK by Sex Pistols plays “Because this September we are bringing the XPWEW Anarchy Rules pay-per-view to you! That’s right! We can’t wait to bring the best fans in the world some Xtreme wrestling!!!”

The Set enters Ruckus joins commentary but he is silent the whole time (he goes to light up a blunt) Nick Simmonds: Do you mind um I uh have bad asthma Ruckus: hits blunt coughs intensely/ Damn Vro me too < Siaka Lexoni is sensational at the commentary booth putting over Jordan Oliver, Myron and Kotto over big time >

Tag Team Match M3: Myron Reed & Kotto Brazil defeat Jacques & Dragon Kid

1 on 1 [XPWEW Juniorweight Title ON THE LINE] M4: Jordan Oliver defeats Based Fabian

(((Match of the night, total spot fest #Dive)))

Garrett Thompson and Ethan Bedlam enters GT @ McGraw (speaking into camera) “Last week McGraw it was merely a flesh wound! Merely a mercy beating! I could have beaten your bullocks within an inch of your life, but your little wee damsel in the distress saved your backside huh. Ryu come to this ring.

McGraw enters with a neck brace on

Ryu steps in front of him “it’s not worth it, he’s scum, he’s scum, don’t do this. Not now.” GT and Bedlam wants McGraw with his hand motions just baiting him in to come get this 2 on 1 beatdown < McGraw jerks the mic out of Ryu “You gotta be the luckiest muffin eating sum bitches I’ve ever seen! Ethan Bedlam get your finger outta Garrett’s ass GT: “Your not funny....Not funny mate” Leonard: Oh that ain’t funny. Not so funny. Well hell son I’m not a modern day Monty Python here shit But if this is all comedy, if this shit is just a joke to you GT I’d suggest I get your input on this next bit ive been working on! [[[MCGRAW SLOWLY PULLS AWAY THE NECK BRACE REVEALING THAT HE IS NOT INJURED THIS WHOLE TIME] <<GT cocks his head sideways and Bedlam looks back and forth in confusion>> McGraw: Oh well hell it ain’t funny but it damn sure is peculiar. This neck straightening device here don’t mean shit to me because damn son I don’t need it I’m not injured I don’t have broken neck, I don’t have a broken bollocks or whatever the fuck you said, I don’t have a bedfellow named Ethan and I sure as hell don’t have a fanger stuck up nobody’s ass but what I do have is a challenge I want you in this ring 1 on 1 this Sunday you big bastard GT: Leo, You don’t deserve a match against me you peasant. But I’ll say this. If you can beat...Ethan Bedlam...1 on 1 inside a steel cage this Sunday then you’ll get your match Larry the Cable guy Leonard: So this is how we’re gonna play it? Your gonna put your life partner in harms way like at? I’ll step in a steel cage Sunday but right now I’m just gonna get a piece of your ass first ((Mic slams)) Leonard hits the ring and takes out both Bedlam and GT but GT gets out of dodge by throwing Bedlam in front and Him quickly

LEONARD MCGRAW DECKS ETHAN BEDLAM WITH THE BUCKSHOT AND DAMN NEAR TAKES HIS HEAD OFF!

McGraw in ring flips off GT standing at stage

[PROMO] Dark Side of The Ring commercial airs “The death of the Xtreme Giant” premieres this Tuesday only on VICE

Leonard McGraw and Ryu join commentary Ryu is nice and polite Nick Simmonds: “Leonard why did you pretend you had a neck injury” McGraw: “I got kids to feed man and sometimes it’s a good way to get out of work shit! But even I get complacent I wanna get back in there and I’m fixing to beat Ethan Bedlam’s ass in that cage match come Sunday

1 on 1 M5: Genevalisse defeats Lola Starr

Match Announcement!!!

Kiera Hogan will now defend her XPWEW Women’s Title against Genevalisse this Sunday at Blitzkrieg 2020

Special Guest Referee: All Man & All Woman enter

Champagne Clausen enters

XPWEW World Heavyweight Champion Golden Bryce enters!!!

SpecialGuestReferee: All Woman 1 on 1 M6: Golden Bryce defeats Champagne Clausen

Bryce raises the title up high and All Man low blows him and attacks him from behind at the cheering and behest of Scott Steiner who encouraged him to blindside Bryce but Steiner slides in a steel chair All Man sizes up Bryce but Bryce ducks and All Man cracks Champagne over the skull with the steel chair and Bryce stands up in All Man’s face and they press up against each other s foreheads and it’s an epic finish but you can hear Steiner in the background “Hit him! Hit him! Hit him he’s right on ya”

Show ends