#HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET 8 ATTACKS DONE IN LESS THAN 2 DAYS

[ragingtwilight]

WHY AM I SO EEPY!!!!! WHY NOW!!! I HAVE ATTACKS TO MAKE!!!! REVENGES NEED TO BE DONE!!!! THIS IS CATASTROPHIC!!!!!!!

[little-miss-dilf-lover]

More TEXT CONVOS!! (Also I want you to know that you can disregard the drabbles ! I just hope you're doing well and taking care of yourself  💗💗) 💺 anon

🍊) My little (brat) princess

🍊: I hid a bag in our closet. If you find it, do not open it. 🍒: Well now I kinda want to look for it 🍊: Please don't. 🍒: :( 🍊: I'm serious. 🍒: What even is inside? 🍊: It's a surprise.

🍒: About to take a bath, alone 🍒: No one here to wash my hair for me 🍒: Or leave kisses on my neck and shoulder 🍒: Or run their hands down my body 🍒: HOW ARE YOU AT THE FRONT DOOR ALREADY??

🍊: My love for you is like diarrhea 🍊: I can't hold it in 🍒: Am I supposed to say something nice?

🍊: How would you feel if I shaved? 🍒: Please just tell me you didn't 🍊: Well... 🍊: Yeah I was just kidding love 🍊: WHY DID YOU TELL LEMON WE'RE GETTING DIVORCED?

🍒: How much until your cute ass gets home?? 🍊: I'll be there in less than an hour ❤️ 🍒: Prepare yourself because the moment you step in I'm gonna jump in your arms and attack your pretty face with kisses 🍒: I can't wait to cuddle and hear you complain about the mission 🍊: I'm so in love with you

🍊: [1 image attached] 🍒: Screaming, crying, shaking, shitting, pissing, banging my head againts the wall, ripping my hair out, clawing out my heart, slamming my fists on the table 🍒: You look lovely

🍒: Hello my mandarin 🍊: We're not doing this

🍒: I think Tan hates me 🍊: Excuse me? What made you believe that? 🍒: That was meant for Lem 🍊: Why would you tell him you think I hate you? 🍒: Because he's very funny and I love to gossip with him 🍊: I'm funnier than him actually. And that still doesn't answer my question 🍒: You didn't ask me to be your valentine :( 🍊: That's because we've been married for 8 years, I assumed you're already my valentine 🍒: You have to ask :( 🍊: Fine. Will you be my valentine? 🍒: Yes :) [Tan reacted with ❤️]

[Unknown number]: Hello my beautiful wife. I am curently writing this message to apologize and ask for your forgiveness. Please unblock me. Yours, Tangerine. 🍒: ENOUGH

🍋) Silly goofy guy

🍋: How's my favorite person in the world doing? 🍒: What did you do? 🍋: Jumping to conclusions I see 🍒: Lemon what did you do? 🍋: Promise you won't get mad 😆 🍒: I promise 😊😊😊🔪😊😊 🍋: I broke your heels 🍒: ... 🍒: Well did you at least take some photos?? 🍋: You know it 🤪 🍋: [5 images attached]

🍋: Should we play minecraft? I wanna finish our train 🍒: Tan said he doesn't want to :( 🍋: Tell him to mind his business

🍋: I was drinking bubble tea and choked on the balls so I spilled the drink everywhere 🍋: Now Tan won't even look at me

🍋: I've been looking for my gun for 2 hours only to realize I don't have it anymore 🤣🤣🤣🤣💃🥳😆😼😼

🍒: He's my little anal ☺️ 🍒: ANGEL 🍒: ANGEL I MEANT ANGEL 🍋: THE WAY I SCREAMED 🍒: DON'T SHOW THIS TO HIM 🍋: HE'S LOOKING AT ME NOOO 😭😭

🍊🍋🍒) The fruit bowl

🍒: Do you ever just 🍋: Yeah, but 🍋: Yk? 🍒: Damn man I sure do 🍊: Is this why you two created this group chat? 🍋: Actually it's so you can like and subscribe 🤯👽❓ 🍒: But first, a word from our sponsor!! 🍊: I'm so done with you both

🍋: Should I dye my hair? 🍊: Absolutely fucking not 🍒: Pookie no it won't look as good as it does now!! 🍋: Love you guys 🫶 🍋: I already bought the hair dye 🍊: WHY DID YOU EVEN ASK? 🍋: I'm in a silly goofy mood 🍋: So green or blue? 🍊: I will smash your head through a window 🍒: LEM LISTEN TO US!! 🍋: Yo I kinda look like the joker

🍒: [2 images attached, it's photos of Tan and Cherry hugging] 🍒: These look so good! 🍒: Lem best wingman AND photographer 🍋: Fucking finally. It was getting annoying 🍊: Would you stop it already? 🍒: Yeah, it wasn't THAT bad 🍋: [1 image attached, text convo of Tan talking about Cherry to Lem] 🍊: DELTE THST RIGHT FUCKING NOW 🍒: 🤣 🍋: Oh I know you're not laughing Cherry 🍋: [1 image attached, text convo of Cherry gushing about Tan to Lem] 🍒: THAT'S MESSED UP

+ bonus 🍊: Made her laugh today and I can't get it out of my head 🍊: It's driving me nuts 🍊: I must've looked fucking stupid the way I just stared at her 🍋: Talking about her again? 🍊: Who else do I ever talk about you nob 🍋: So did you ask her out? 🍊: What do you think? 🍋: I'm thinking no because you're a pussy 🍊: Fuck off

🍒: Ok so I was talking to him earlier today and he just put his hand on my shoulder and got really close to my face but I feel like he was mostly looking at my lips. Maybe it was just my imagination 🍒: Anyway, does he do this to everyone? 🍋: Girl

hii angel!!! I really do want to be able to write them for you, I’ll keep them in my inbox and will def try to do one of them, but if not, keep them noted down and I’ll get around to them eventually 💓💓

THESE ARE SO FUN!!!?? loved them all, especially..

^ why would he tell us if he doesn’t want us snooping??????

^ lem would be the mediator, trying to rationalise tan not to shave (even if he was messing) he doesn’t want to see his bro with a baby face

^ ALL OF THAT😭😭 and then, you look lovely. I HAVE A PICTURE IN MY HEAD AND I NEED TO ADD IT bc it works well and obviously bc it’s hot 😩😩😩😩😩😩

^ tan would be acting like he doesn’t know lem😭

^😭😭😭😭😭 we just have random half conversations (but we each no exactly what the other is thinking) and it just annoys tan sm. “what did you think about that thing?” “that was so crazy. what did you think about that other thing? not that thing but another thing?” “holy shit man, but did you see?” “RIGHT? and then?” “omg😭”

^ lem got the receipts 😭😭😭😭

^😭😭😭😭 “bc you’re a pussy” and “girl” lmao

[loveyougoodbi]

Australia unserious serious race overview

If you're new here i decided to do a short recap of each race after it's done on here, mostly for my own sake so I dont forget what happened in each race.

This recap will be less unserious since the results were 😐 not by my liking and I have serious topics to cover.

Bahrain part 1 Bahrain part 2 Jeddah part 1 Jedah part 2

Australia will be 1 part under a cut

1. Ferrari

Oohhh boy. Do I have thoughts.

Most of my thoughts are summed up in this post I made discussing how Charles not attacking was not due to team orders and how attacking would not have helped him. Now I'd rather move on from this since every time I think about who won I want to cry.

I am really pissed off today but not because of ferrari and team orders but because the one time charles is out of the front row in 8 races Max DNFs thus giving everyone else a chance. I know, I know I should want Charles to beat Max on track and that's probably what Charles wants also BUT it does not erase the fact that cs55 is so lucky with his front row starts that he is now 2/2 qualis he was better than Charles in the last 10 races that lead to Max/Red Bull having issues. What kind of luck do you have on your side? And can the rest of us get some?

On the positive side Charles is now closer in the championship to Max than any driver has been probably since Bahrain 2023 lol. And I will choose to look on the bright side and remember that after Singapore Charles obliterated Carlos in every single race and hope that this one sparks a similar fire in him. You got this Charlie.

2. Mclaren

They were good I guess. They had no one to fight with thanks to Mercedes. I feel like they had a slightly better race than the last 2. I will not talk about the team orders since they did undercut Lando with Oscar's strategy in the beginning. So I have.. no opinion on it. Especially since Oscar made a big mistake towards the end that everyone kinda overlooked with everything that happened after. He would not have been on the podium either way. He lost a lot of seconds there I dont remember how much but it was a lot. Lando would've overtaken for sure.

3. Aston Martin

Stroll had an amazing drive here 🙌. I like to hate on him sometimes but not today. Amazing quali amazing drive great points.

Alonsos move in the end? Extremely dangerous to do on a street track surrounded by walls. I'm happy he got the penalty (although I didn't expect 20 fucking seconds????? Idk what is happening with the penalties being so harsh this year but I like it)

4. Red Bull

Poor Maxie. We are so not used to seeing this that it felt like a fever dream. What the fuck happened? And on the race he was supposed to match his streak 😭. Anyway he'll live. At least now he gets to fight Charles (yes I'm delulu what about it)

Perez was invisible. Were RB slow here or is Perez just mid? Well I guess we'll never know (but we can take a wild guess). He could not pass the Mclarens? Really?

5. RB

YUKI TSUNODA THE MAN THAT YOU ARE!!!!!! I can not explain to you guys how happy I am with 6 points for Yuki jgjejxjwnd that's insane.

Daniel did ok I guess. He had a more difficult drive too but I only care about Yuki today. So so happy.

6. Haas

Did you guys see this drive by both Haases? Did you see what they did? They climbed the most out of everyone. Both in the points????? How did we get here? I don't know but I love it. Hulk is for some reason growing on me more and more. So is Kevin. Idk what happened. Double points for Haas. Who would've thought. Amazing. So excited for them.

7. Williams

James Vowles I'm in your walls. Men will do nothing but disappoint. Would Logan have done better than Alex? Probably not. Is it okay what they did to him? Absolutely not. And they didn't even manage to get a singular point. Disgusted disappointed and flabbergasted. Was it worth it James? Cos I don't think it was. Wasnit worth it for Alex to lose respect in Logans eyes? I don't think so either. And before someone goes but it wasn't Alex fault. If I was in Logans place I would lose respect for Alex for allowing this to happen I said what I said. I would never consider him on my side anymore if I ever did.

This coupled with Alex saying he'd rather have a teammate that's bad so he can get all the praise? Falling lower and lower. Not yet daniel-lando-carlos level of low, far from it, but still dissapointed in him.

8. Alpine

Woohoo can you believe they are not last on my list for once? They did something guys!!! The thing they did is they are not BOTH dead last. Only Este is. AND no one dnfed. Actually there is not much to celebrate. Next race I guess

9. Sauber

Idk what was in the air in Bahrain but Sauber are getting worse and worse. Zhou has completely disappeared. Bottas had another 1 min pit stop (what is it with bottas and put stops?????) And they were just... they were bad. This is starting to look very similar to last year and they gave me hope for .2 seconds for NOTHING!

10. Mercedes

Damn. Where do I start. So nice of Hamilton to park his car in solidarity of Max dnf ing. We love a supportive king. In all seriousness tho (because this is a serious race overview) Mercedes suck. The car sucks. First engine failure of the year and its their own car 3 races into the season. It's not looking good at all.

George oh my god. On one side it's funny bc this exact same thing happened in Singapore? That's insane? I'm ready to light some candles about how crazy it is. On another more important side, it was so so scary. The placement of his car was so dangerous. His radio was so devastating. I cant even imagine sitting there in the middle of the road and just waiting for a car to hit you at 300kmph without being able to do anything about apart for yell for a red flag and hope they listen. So traumatic. I hope he's okay mentally after this. I know these people are stronger than us and their relationship with death and fear is different than mine but this cannot be easy. God I have tears in my eyes just writing about it. Poor George 🥺

That's it. Thank you for reading. There is not conclusion to this I simply covered everything ND my thoughts on everyone 😌

[damselofblueroses]

Bambi, Ch. 2, Ghost

You are my Bambi, girl, I am your candy, tell me what are you waiting for?

Summary: As an archaeologist who works on the Ancient Greece, you were on the verge of excavations’ session. While you have been preparing your team, you learned that your institute decided on your team has to work with another team as they wanted the outcome as a collaboration. The head of other team was your biggest rival, a scumbag in your eyes: Byun Baekhyun.

You two were supposed to work together for three months, in a Greek Island, Chios.

Could you manage to not kill Byun Baekhyun for three months?

Chapter Summary: Byun Baekhyun and the Reader remember the day they spent in UN Village together while they are heading to Chios. (Guys, this chapter, which is dedicated to the beginning of their relationship, is going to be two parts, otherwise it is going to be more than 20k lol)

Word Count: 11k

Content: AU, heavily Greek mythology, enemies to lovers.

Warnings: Well, the story contains NSFW/Smut, please minors do not continue.

Note: This story will be 7 or 8 chapters if I will not change my mind in the meantime. It is inspired by my major; however, I do not have a complete knowledge on archaeology, I am a historian. If I will make a technical mistake, please let me know. I am willing to receive any kind of feedback; you are more than welcomed to drop a message.

Series Masterlist

Chapter 2: Ghost

5 years ago, Hannam-dong

Even if I want you so much it drives me crazy

You ghost

Even if I want and call for you all night long

You came to me and left without a word

You ghost, you ghost

You want to go crazy all night, you plead

You ghost

You disappeared again without a trace

“What type of sadistic and sick person could say that we have to work here?” you cursed between your teeth, you jaw clenched because of pure anger. “How do they expect us to do our job in the middle of fucking super-ultra-rich people?”

“Get used to it.” Junmyeon flinched your forehead, but his frustration was oblivious, even though he was doing definitely better than you. “Where is Baekhyun?”

“I do not know.” you recklessly pointed to the expensive cars on the road. “Maybe he was looking for a sugar mommy.”

“As your sunbae,” Minseok hit you. “I would like to remind you to hold on your manners.”

“Someone has to give a speech on manners to him.” your eyebrows knitted together. “Not to me.”

“Both of you,” Kyungsoo nonchalantly spoke. “need a really good beaten session, since both of you have no idea on how to behave.”

You threw the book you were holding to Kyungsoo, but he was too quick and easily saved himself from your unexpected attack.

“I am here, right?” you hissed. “Where the heck is that bastard? He always disappears when it comes to work, why do you hold me in the same esteem with him?”

“Because you are definitely a copy of Baekhyun.” Chanyeol laughed at your god-fucking-damn-it-so-horrible face expression. “Let’s face with the fact, Indy. Everyone knows that Baekhyun is a disciplined student, just as you are, badmouthed, just as you are.”

“Are you talking about me?” Baekhyun popped out of nowhere. “I heard you are praising me less than the way I deserve.”

Your face could be described as disgusted, but this would be the kindest way of telling how your appearance was. Actually, you wanted to punch his narcissistic self-perspective, to shake his cage in order to give him the lesson he deserved, but you did not want to be scolded by Junmyeon again. You just walked away from him, needing to put a safe distance between yourself and Baekhyun.

God, if you could run away to space, you would do it in order to not infuse with the same air with Baekhyun.

You disliked him, you disliked the way of his well-being, you disliked his velvety voice, his lame jokes, his sharp remarks, you disliked everything about Byun Baekhyun.

And you hated yourself because of finding him very handsome. Sometimes, you caught yourself, staring at Baekhyun, forgetting how to breath properly. His face was like a gift of God himself; his body ratio made you to say oh-my-fucking-god.

Thank God, he had the most annoying character, because if he had a good personality, you knew that you would fall in love over the heels with him.

“What kind of idiot chained us here?” Baekhyun asked to Junmyeon. “Fuck’s sake, what the heck we are going to here? Digging beneath the Richie riches’ villas?”

Chanyeol bite his lips before looking at you, silently reminding your own words and his remarks about being very same with Baekhyun. You did not back off, staring at Chanyeol with all frustration went through your veins, causing Chanyeol to laugh. Baekhyun hit his head, then walked towards Junmyeon to take his own tool bag.

You hated him for this, too. He was acting like he was a superior, like he was better than any of you, and what got your nerves badly was no one scold him as they would scold you if you would do the same things.

“Yeah, I am like this scumbag who does not carry even his own stuff, huh?” you literally sizzled between your teeth, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo heard your annoyed voice, but they preferred to keep their silence. Your hate was not a secret for the team, everyone was aware of the fact that putting you and Baekhyun was a dangerous decision since he also loathed you.

But to your dismays, you were the brightest students Sejong could always play on.

“Seriously what we are going to do?” Baekhyun repeated his question because he really did not have a single clue.

“Didn’t you read the mail Sejong sent us?” Jongdae asked him, raising one eyebrow. Baekhyun shrugged his shoulder, you bit your lower lip in order keep your frustration under your control. What a bastard!

“We have to visit UN Village, there are seven neighbourhood where we have to go and collect the permissions of the residents.” Junmyeon run his hand through his hair. He was already on the verge of cracking since he was the one who had to deal with a lot of capricious upper-class members in order to complete this fucking task. He wished nothing but changing his path, he started to think like the field was not his cup of tea, but before resigning from leadership, he wanted to find a good candidate who could lead the team.

He wanted you to be that leader. You and Baekhyun. Heretofore, Junmyeon laid his eyes on both of you and your abilities persuaded him to nominate your names when he could propose an election. He did not want to be a fieldperson, he wished to stay in his office, but at the same time, he could not inherit his legacy, Godfuckingdamnit Junmyeon’s did his best in order to engrave his name as one of the most successful captains, to anyone but the best. Yet, Junmyeon had no idea how to put you in good terms, since you were like a cat and dog, and Chanyeol, that giant idiot, used every opportunity to fan the flames, even that silent Kyungsoo enjoyed watching intangible scuffles between you and Baekhyun.

Junmyeon has been sensing that the team was becoming aware of the situation and camping as two different poles. Jongdae, Shinhye and Minseok were setting off closer to you while Chanyeol, Kyungsoo and the newbie, Jongin have been shifting to Baekhyun’s side. Damn, Junmyeon could not let it to be happen. He needed all of you under the same umbrella, especially you and Baekhyun had to stay together. He was seeing a great potential of you, if you could combine your powers, you were going to be the perfect team. Period.

“Let’s split into teams.” his eyes wandered around all of you. “We are eight, if we can divide ourselves into four teams, we will finish the job easier and quicker.”

“Yeah, you are right.” Kyungsoo approved. “I am going to take Chanyeol.”

“Are you my superior, dumbass?” Chanyeol hit his shoulder, but he was laughing. “I am with Kyungsoo.”

“Good.” Junmyeon inhaled. “Shinhye, you are with Jongdae.”

You automatically stirred next to Minseok, however you shuttered after hearing Junmyeon’s next orders.

“Indy, you and Baekhyun are together, Minseok, let’s go.”

“What?!” you immediately stopped and hissed at Junmyeon. “Am I with who?”

Jongdae realized the storm before seeing the clouds, clever as always, he disappeared while dragging Shinhye with him. You even did not notice, but Chanyeol’s smile widened, Kyungsoo smirked, and they rushed to their own direction.

Only four of you were standing on the pavement, you were throwing daggers to Junmyeon with your eyes. Baekhyun was nonchalantly looking at Junmyeon, while Minseok could not find a way to break the tension.

Junmyeon was cool as a cucumber.

“You are with Baekhyun.” he repeated his words, sounding like he was condemning you with execution. “What? Do you have a rejection?”

“Yes!” you exploded without thinking. “Why shou-

“Believe me,” Baekhyun interrupted your words, he was indifferent to your frustration. “I did not beg for being in the same team with you.”

“Did I claim that?” you swiftly turned on your tiptoes. “Did I say you are eager to be with me?”

“It would be the greatest joke you could make.” Baekhyun winked to you. “But you are not so into the entertainment, right?”

“Baekhyun,” Minseok noisily cleared his throat. “I am not sur-

“What do you know about me?” you heard your own voice. “This is why we cannot work together, you always make assumptions out of your ass, instead I work as organized, with the facts and tangible proofs.”

“What do you know about me?” Baekhyun coldly smiled at you, you could not describe its impacts on you, that smile had you wanting to punch him at the same time ignited some fires in your lower stomach. “We barely talk, have you been watching me all the time?”

“You wish.” you took a deep breath. “You are not worth my time.”

“Oh,” his eyes glimmered with a menacing luminescence. “I am deeply wounded.”

“If you are done,” Junmyeon raised his hands to the air. “We have to work.”

“Jun-

“Young lady,” Baekhyun barged on. “They did not teach you this, so it’s up to me but we are not in kindergarten anymore.”

You had to admit, no one could get your nerves till now like Baekhyun did.

You had to admit, you hated being called as a kid. Junmyeon’s eyes blown up when Baekhyun labelled you as a kid, before he could open his mouth, you stared at Baekhyun.

“I can see why we could be a team.” you took the directional instructions from Junmyeon’s hand. “A kindergarten kid has to take care of a cry baby while the adults have to work.”

Baekhyun’s eyebrows furrowed, but you wholly ignored his visible annoyance, and started to walk. Junmyeon was looking at your back with a little bit concerned face, but he knew that he did what he had to do.

You were going to scold Junmyeon in the following hours of the day, however, now your job was teaching a couple of lessons on manners to this scumbag who has been walking beside you.

You spent the first hour in a total silence, talking only if the occasion called for it. The tension between you and Baekhyun was solid, someone could cut it with a knife without any problem. Baekhyun was bored to death, he never plan to have a day like this, he wanted to enjoy everything he did, he thought he could be with Chanyeol or Kyungsoo, having fun to death.

Instead, he was trapped with you.

The only girl he loathed to the bits.

He could not endure to hear your voice, even though you talked with the residents very kindly and respectfully. He had to admit that you were doing a good job, but it did not change anything he felt for you. He had been cursing Junmyeon since he put you two in the same task, however, he knew that if Junmyeon wanted something from Baekhyun, he would do it without question. Baekhyun could be many things, but he was loyal to his friends, and Junmyeon had a special place in his heart.

Also, behind the curtains of his hate, he could see why Junmyeon gave you to him. Although you were an abominable bitch, an obnoxious creature, a walking blasphemy, and a hate crime, Baekhyun did not think you could be an offspring of a lovely or healthy relationship, he was sure your parents were diabolical beasts, to his disappointment, you were reallyclever.

He wished you could be more reliable person, so he could work with you.

Baekhyun did not like to confess, yet he was aware of the fact that he desperately needed his own Evelyn O’Connor. Someone who could play the game with him, as his trustable partner in crime. He was extremely close to Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, but they were not equal to his wits and ambitions. Sometimes he was brassed off the conversations, time to time he found them boring and lame. His logic was faster than his mates, actually he was longing for nothing, but someone was equal to his high-speed brain.

You could be the one he was searching for, but you were made of poison, greed, and wickedness. Even if he would be blessed by the Heavens, he could not agree to work someone with you.

“Your Highness,” he heard your fucking voice. “We have to visit at least twelve houses more; do you mind hurrying up?”

“The only thing I mind is your fucking attitude.” he gritted his teeth. “Give the plan to me.”

“So, you can destroy everything I organized properly?” you smirked. “I do not think so.”

“Organized?” Baekhyun cocked his eyebrow. “Organized, my ass. Didn’t you lose Park Sangwan’s house? Twice?”

“Look who is talking.” the red of embarrassment slightly painted your cheeks and ears. “The one who had no idea about today’s plans.”

“At least I did not lose my fucking way and circled around the same house almost for half an hour.”

“And the award goes to Byun Baekhyun for his greatest achievements.” you gave back the wink to him, grinning like a Cheshire cat. “Oh, breaking news. No achievement no award.”

Baekhyun took it personally since you two competed to each other as the finalists of last academic year. Your project was accepted as the winner while Baekhyun received only a certificate. You hit the lotto, he had to watch you, walking to the stage with a bright smile tugged on your lips.

Still, he could vividly remember the little smirk you gave to him that night when they announced your name.

“You did it consciously.” his jaw clenched. “That night. When they called you as the winner. You immediately turned to me just to annoy me.”

“It seems, I achieve my goal.” your smirk widened, a glistening layer of fun covered your face. “Were you disappointed?”

“Yeah, of course.” he did not miss a single second. “I was disappointed of the professors, I was believing they were cleverer than me, but their choice showed me they were nothing but idiots.”

“Could you smell the air, Baekhyun?” you asked with a serious face. He was confused for a second, you never ask a question to him or call him by his name, but before he could register, you tucked the words in his throat. “Oh, jealousy, my favourite.”

“Darling,” Baekhyun swallowed hard. “There is no single living soul who can be low enough to jealous you in this universe.”

That was not quite truth, because Baekhyun not only remembered your revengeful smile but also how you were looking like that day. He could paint you on canvas by closed eyes, and he would not miss a single detail.

And he was a little bit jealous on that day. Not only because he lost over to you, but also because of the people around you. You annoyed him not only with your award, but also with your closeness to the other men.

Despite of your usual oversize clothes or no makeup policy, you chose to present yourself in a different style. Your hair was perfectly combed, your makeup highlighted your face features, and you were wearing a little light blue dress which tightly caressed your body. Baekhyun, or none of your classmates knew that you had curves for example till that night and to Baekhyun’s dismay, you had a really good body. You were a minion, your beauty was very soft and although he really hated to admit this, you were a view for the spectators. Maybe not the prettiest, but you had something had people looking at you, liking you, desiring you.

You had an aura which was enough to make your biggest enemy to silently acknowledged that you were attractive.

“Maybe, there is no one.” you shrugged your shoulder. “But youwere eager to low yourself, huh?”

You did not forget the look on Baekhyun’s face when Professor Kim called you to the stage. You were sure as fuck, he was cursing you but also there was something else, glowing in his eyes. Something you could not describe, but you could see the same emotion in your reflection when you saw Baekhyun with that crowd of girls.

Rarely.

But still you knew that feeling.

That ceremony was hard for you, of course you were over the moon because of your achievement, that project opened you some fresh opportunities and proved that despite of being a junior, you were more than a bachelor student. You proved your talents and abilities to yourself by winning the first place, you completed a step, made your first goal come true.

And you nailed Byun Baekhyun’s coffin. It was worth of every minute you spent sleepless, your tears and sweats, the hours in library, the hours in front of the plan of Gyeongbokgung Palace and search for the most logical and safest ways of conducting an excavation around the palace.

Your ideas were chosen over Baekhyun’s ideas, and you were aware of the quality of the solutions he proposed.

You were proud of yourself.

It was the bare truth that Baekhyun’s face were singing to you just as your favourite band could sing, seeing his face just like someone fed him with cucumbers was equal to being accepted into your dream field, Chios’ excavations, as the chief archaeologist.

But you were annoyed.

You could not happily taste your success. You could not feel its flavour on your tongue buds.

Because of that bastard looked fucking magnificent in that bloody black suit.

You have been told about the dress code you had to follow, however no one, not a single soul managed to catch his level of looking good in a suit.

You were annoyed because your taste in men was exactly equal to Byun Baekhyun. He had everything you could ask for, he was devilishly charming, there was even no need for words to describe him, he was beautiful.

And he was the only one you hated the most.

Every girl in the room was drooling over him, to your dismay, just like you. You felt that feeling in your stomach, a pain which was spinning, spinning, and spinning, causing a tornado inside of your stomach.

Was it jealousy?

“I already noticed your ignorance about the feelings.” Baekhyun could not control himself anymore and grabbed your shoulder, turning you to the opposite direction. “We have to follow this fucking street, or we will be lost again.”

“Have you been observing me, Baekhyunnie? That’s so cute.” you ignored the second part of his words, just starting to walk on the direction he instructed to you.

“Observing you takes a minute, baby girl, since there is nothing to see.” he answered but he found it interesting when you called him as Baekhyunnie. “You are a spoiled brat.”

“Hop, that hurts.” you pouted, pressed your fist on your chest, faking a whimper. “Would you like to tame this spoiled brat?”

You started to think that you went nuts.

“In your dreams.” Baekhyun laughed, but he literally lost himself in the fucking possibilities you could be tamed by him. “You have to wait a couple of centuries for someone who can be willing to be with you.”

You chuckled but preferred to keep your silence after his words. Damn, your sudden quietude caught Baekhyun’s attention more. Why didn’t you not attack to him? Why didn’t you give him a sharp answer as you should have?

Why you chuckled like there was a line at your door?

Was it?

Baekhyun pondered that instead of the fact that you were generally with a small group of friends, to both of your dismays your common friends, he did not see you with strangers, so there could not a queue for your hand.

Could it be?

And why the fuck he should have care if there is a crowd for you or not? No one could want someone like you if they did not lose their mind.

But he cared. Fuck, he cared more than he wanted.

Because to his disappointment, he knew that there was a real cavalcade of knightly candidates for you.

“Okey,” you checked the time. “After this one, I am going to have lunch.”

“We are going to have lunch.” Baekhyun gritted his teeth. “I hate eating alone enough to endure your presence.”

“Didn’t you tell me there is no one who could want to be with me?” you snickered. “But you have no reservations about having lunch with me?”

“Imagine the situation I am in.” he grumbled. “The day gets better and better.”

You decided to annoy him, pushing him to the edges as much as you could do. The first response that came to your mind refusing him, but the other option was funnier. You could play with Byun Baekhyun, you could take your revenge by being a pain in the ass.

He said that he could endure your presence.

You could make him regretful of his words.

There was a very little smile tugged on your lips which you were not aware of, however, to his dismay, Baekhyun realized it.

Her lips are rosy and plump, he thought to himself. Even though he called you a spoiled brat, he was not sure of if you were a brat or not. Kiddos have not the type of lips, calling people for the kisses, like you. There was something, even during your cocky performances when you tried to beat the life out of him, although you always kept that dull and bored expression and acted like Baekhyun was not worth of your time, but there was something just in you.

Baekhyun swallowed down his own vomit when he admitted it to himself, and you have caught his glare.

“What?” you purred. “Can’t you take your eyes off me?”

“Who the hell wants to watch you?” he quickly collected his thoughts and put them in a fucking trail. “I am looking for a restaurant where we can have good food.”

After a permanent mutual ignorance session for years, his next words caught you off your guard.

“You like local foods, right?” he asked. “I guess the second shop on this street is famous for jjangmyeon and tteokbokki.”

Well, you had to admit that his questions made your brain a little bit foggy. How could he know that?

“Yeah.” for the first time in history, you did not come up with any sharp answer. “How about you?”

“As long as there is no cucumber or extremely sweet cuisine,” he started to walk. “I am fine.”

You heard that Baekhyun is really not in good terms with cucumber.

“Feel you.” you murmured in your mouth because you hated cucumbers as much as you hated Baekhyun. He swiftly look at you, you accompanied him on the street.

“We should celebrate.” he teased. “I said something, you just answered, and we did not have a fight.”

“This is a privilege for cucumbers.” you shrugged your shoulder, but you also felt that he did not buy your nonchalant tone. “I cannot stand them, mum loves it too much, I mean what type of person can love a cucumber? If I need water, I prefer to drink it.”

Your observation made him tilted his head back in that rumbling laugh of his, you were unwilling to join, but the corners of your mouth turned up slightly.

“Here we go.” He, as a gentleman, opened the door for you, you responded with the most neutral expression you could muster. “Oh, no thanks?”

“Thank you.” you rolled your eyes, however, despite of your strongly negative feelings against him, you do not like rudeness. “Sorry, that was insolence of me.”

“Your apology is fully accepted.” he winked, you hated that cocky tone, you hated yourself for falling into his trap. You passed him, went to a distanced table where it placed in the corner. You did not want to be seen as having a lunch with Baekhyun by your teammates.

Corner was fine.

“Oh, no.” he grabbed your arm, manhandled you to the tables of the center. “I will not let you escape. If they see us, let them to see.”

Your eyebrows knitted, your lips pressed to each other enough to form a thick line on your face, you could almost taste your growing anger. But at the same time, you realized that feeling his hand on your skin increased your heartbeats, you wanted to scream with self-hatred, but you bite down on your tongue as his hand quickly wandered to down, to your waist. He directed you to the most visible table from outside while you were fighting yourself in order to control your fucking pace of breathing.

Please, this could not be true, I could not be excited because of his touch, you thought.

This was not happening, what the fuck was happening?

Baekhyun was not so different from you, even though his face expression was not changed for a bit. He forced himself to take control, but it was really hard for him.

Your hate was reciprocated, right? You guys could not spend even a bloody minute in peace, the only thing you had was annoyance.

So, why you perfectly fit in his embrace just like you were made just to be under his arm?

Why Baekhyun wanted to tight his arm around your waist?

Why could you not say anything even though Baekhyun was literally holding you?

Why you felt like you were in the only place where you had to be for the rest of your days?

“Hi.” you heard the waitress who was a really beautiful girl. “Welcome to Sung’s String. How can I help you?”

Even though finishing her sentence, she begun to eye Baekhyun. You rolled your eyes and reached to the menu; to be honest, this show was not funny after seeing it for the million times. Every time, Sejong Team went outside for a drink, for a gathering or even for a museum trip, girls and sometimes boys gazing the members of Sejong Team just like they were idols or actors because of their good-looking. Eh, they were not wrong, you had to say that the Sejong Team included really, really, and really handsome boys from Baekhyun to Chanyeol, from Kyungsoo to Jongdae and these boys’ superiors were Kim oh-my-godJunmyeon and Kim lord-help-us Minseok.

Well…

You were already got used to the reactions coming from all around when Sejong Team showed their faces. You knew that both of insiders and outsiders of Sejong Institute called your team members as the Flower Boys or a shitty nickname like that.

“I would like to have a jjangmyeon without cucumbers, and a tteokbokki.” you turned the menu off. “With a light coke.”

“Coke?” Baekhyun mimicked you like he could not believe his ears. “Are you kidding? Everyone knows that you have to drink jasmine tea in order to help digestion.”

“Have you been majored in nutrition?” you gave him your bitchy resting face. “Shut the fuck up.”

“No coke.” he wholly ignored you and turned to the waitress who was watching him as drooling. “Please, we want two bowls of jjangmyeon, two tteokbokki, also please we would like to have kimbap and kimchi as the garnitures and of course a pot of jasmine tea.”

“Yeah!” she sounded weaker after Baekhyun conducted all power he had in his eyes to her. “Anything else?”

“I guess we are fine for the time being.” Baekhyun smiled to her, causing a flush of redness on her cheeks.

“I will be back as soon as possible.” the girl literally purred, Baekhyun’s eyes shined after her reaction. Little bastard. You did not want to think about it, but his visible joy had your stomach churned. You inhaled and took your book out of your bag.

“What are you doing?” Baekhyun glanced up at you, reached to take the book from your hands. “Having lunch together means conversation, are you going to read?”

“Give the book to me, Byun.” you kicked his foot under the table. “I know you do not know how to read and enjoy but that’s a good habit to have.”

“Yeah, I know that habit of you gives nothing but lonely hours in library.” he had no limits of shooting his arrows. “Have you ever tried something different for a change?”

“Like what?” you tried to get back your book. “Following your great example and dedicate my life to your favourite sport? Sorry, I have no interest in running after women by lolling my tongue out of my mouth.”

“Baby girl,” Baekhyun put your book in his leather bag. “You have no idea whose tongue lolls out of the mouth.”

You could not decide on what you hated the most. Baekhyun or the girls after Baekhyun? You concluded as both of them were equally horrible in your eyes.

“I am sure your stories are incredible.” you inhaled. “But I really do not like to hear the anecdotes of miserable women. Could you give the book back before I gauge your eyes off?”

“Nope.” he grinned. “I can bet on you are still a virgin but tell me if you have an affair or not, I would like to pay my condolences to your partner.”

He was already written as the first name in your list of most-hated-people, but suddenly became the first man to be written as the first enemy of a lifetime.

“Did you finish your own list of dead partners?” you raised one eyebrow. “Thinking of its length gives me chills.”

“No dead.” his grin widened from one ear to the other. “They just had some temporary heart problems due to the performances I gave to them.”

You opened your mouth to slap his face with the words, but the waitress came back to your table with a huge tray. She was placing every bowl and plate, actually fucking Baekhyun with her eyes, you literally hardly suppressed your instincts, telling you to warn her immediately.

But you were not honest with yourself about why you wanted to warn her. In the deep of your mind, but in very deep, you had been starting to realize that you disliked when the girls threw themselves to Baekhyun because you wanted them to stop. You did not like the scene because you did not want to share Baekhyun’s gaze with another person.

You were lying to yourself without realizing what was the real problem of you.

You loved Baekhyun from the beginning, even though he was a fucking tease and a bloody smartass. There was no other man for you, if someone could cut your chest, the only thing would be seen in your heart was his name.

But that would be the heaviest self-enlightenment, and you were definitely not ready for such as a thing. That’s why you unconsciously continued to trick yourself by disguising your own feelings from your own eyes.

You got the chopsticks and decided to have your lunch instead of burying yourself in the maze of thoughts. Baekhyun realized your discomfort, but he had no idea what the real reason of your mood was, whatever made you unhappy was more than okey for him. He could be happy as long as you were sorrowful.

“You still not give an answer to the question.” he was persistent on pushing your limits. “Do you have a relationship?”

“Why are you curious?” you took a mouthful amount of jjangmyeon. How much you wanted to stuff these noodle strings into his throat, suffocating him to death. “If you want to send a bouquet, please note that I love blue roses.”

“You are really a virgin, huh?” Baekhyun diabolically grinned, you could swear on you saw the red halo over his head.

“Darling, you cannot make me angry by stating what is obvious.” you smiled back, there was no reason holding it back, you were always open on these issues, and a sick part of you wanted to tell him to see his reaction. “Yeah, I am a virgin.”

“Do you conservatively follow a church?” his chin dropped a few inches. “How could it be possible with all the boys who try to seduce you?”

Well, you did not expect to hear this.

“Come on,” Baekhyun continued. “I always see you with a bunch of men, do you really think they are following you only for friendship?”

“On the contrary of you and your limit-does-not-exist type of libido, people can build the bonds of affinity.”

“Only when they do not search for an open door to sneak in.” Baekhyun pointed his chopsticks to your face. “Telling you, I can name at least six permanent names in the waiting room.”

You did not see the hidden meaning of his words, however, Baekhyun was already became regretful, he silently prayed for your ignorance and blindness were going to keep him safe. Because he gave you the biggest clue of his interest in you by stating he could give even names.

He still did not understand how he could know everything about you or why he always put a brick on the ways of the candidates for you, but he did. Hell, he was unapologetically finding a way to prevent the boys who liked you and no one could understand it was Baekhyun. He always came up with a solution in order to intimate them, put them back off. You were not aware but Baekhyun always appeared around you when he thought a candidate was close to you more than he supposed to be.

He already put his stamina on you as his girl, but he was not aware of his own actions. He was not aware of what he has been doing, how he was persistently looking for you, searching for your face in every class or harmoniously living with your voice. It was like your breathing was singing to his ears, and he was dancing with your melody.

Baekhyun did not understand but he was yours.

“I am not sure what you think,” you sipped from jasmine tea with self-confidence. “But there is no such a fucking waiting room.”

“You are really blind.” Baekhyun chewed a rice cake, generously dipping it into the gochujang sauce. “Don’t you think Oh Seunghwan is acting like more than a friend? Or Jang Jeongbun? Jesus, even you really cannot be that much idiot.”

Baekhyun was right for the first time in history. You were nothing more than a retard because you really did not understand the behind the scenes of his words. He was unconsciously giving you the signs of his interests in you, but you were so naïve to see.

“They are my friends, Baekhyun.” you rolled your eyes back. “I know grasping the nature of different relationships is hard for you, but people can be nothing but friends. No need to add tensions or searching for hidden meanings.”

Every time you vocalized his fucking name, Baekhyun felt its impact went straight to his dick, and he hated himself for that.

You were not the type of people who could be okey with the target of teasing. You wanted to play, you wanted to be enhanced by it, sinking into the waves of the game.

And even Baekhyun did not admit it in his head, he believed you were the most attractive girl he has been known because of you always corresponded to his moves and cards.

“How about you?” you immediately played your reverse card, grinning like a Cheshire cat. “I heard that you and your gorgeous looks which made entire school swoon and fantasize about you? Are you really called as the sexiest human being on the country?”

Your voice was the strongest indicator of your disbelief, he could be the biggest moron on planet Earth, nothing more nothing less.

Also, you were aware of those comments on Baekhyun more than you wished for. You kept everything you heard about him in your head, in the safest and the most secret file of your brain, refusing to think but keeping on unconsciously think about those speculations. You found them very suspicious, but not because of Baekhyun did not deserve to be called as the sexiest human being, you found those fantasies as unlikely because of Baekhyun had not that macho man stuff people were somehow attributing to him.

You had grown so sick from all of these dreams and comments, coming from every corner of school since Baekhyun was like a star.

And now, you had him seemed quite displeased with your tease.

“Only on the country?” he raised one eyebrow. “Shit, it seems I am not doing well.”

“Baby, you are coming after Park Chanyeol.” you sighed in joy of dancing on your tiptoes. “That’s a quite achievement, when you think.”

“Chanyeol?” he sighed in annoyance; you knew that you trapped his ego in a small box. “Coming after Chanyeol?”

“Yeah.” you gave the most nonchalant look to him. “Well, I can tell that’s quite unfair since Flower Boys includes really strong names such as Kyungsoo or Junmyeon but… Poor girls, they have to be lunatic to put you after Chanyeol.”

“What do you think about these extremely distorted images of us?” Baekhyun angrily took a mouthful of jjangmyeon.

“Do you ask my list?” you crossed your hands over your chest, cooing with gleamy eyes. “I cannot believe that Byun Baekhyun, asking me, a poor peasant, for her list.”

Baekhyun’s eyes darkening, and you were not sure why your mood was changed from the pure need of mocking him to an excitement which you could not ignore. His voice was really screechy and boyish when he asked your list, and his voice giving you a different kind of pleasure. Not the pleasure of scolding him, but the delight of toying him, pushing him to the edge.

But you did not analyse your current feelings, instead, you rushed to deliver your actually-not-existent list.

“We are talking about physical features, right? But I am going to rate everyone also with their characteristics.” you smiled. “For me, the first name is Chanyeol. I mean, look at that face he has, and his body ratio is excellent, but he has a golden heart. Then, of course Kyungsoo, he is fucking handsome, therefore, he is a great guy.”

“I really pity your tastes of men.” Baekhyun’s discontent with your made-up list was palpable, and the dissatisfaction of his tone was like honey left out in the morning sun.

“The number 3 is Junmyeon as always.” you wholly ignored his comment. “No one can say anything against to Kim Junmyeon, he is the definition of aesthetic. Minseok and Jongdae shared the same number in my list, and that’s all.”

“You forgot me.” Baekhyun snorted, his voice made you lifted your head. He was so tense; you never see his jaw clenched at this expand. What’s up his ass? you silently though in your head.

“I did not.” you were cool as a cucumber. “You are not in the list.”

Till now, you guys always ate each other, digging the graves for each other, always fighting always scolding always throwing invisible daggers to each other. However, you have never ever seen those dangerous lights, dancing in the pupils of Baekhyun after your words.

It was difficult to wrap your mind around the fact that you found this Baekhyun as more attractive than his usual-self and unfortunately you already found Baekhyun very desirable. Even though you would never even let yourself to think about being intimate with him, his eyes stirred something inside of you, ignited some fires close to your lower stomach.

“I am sorry to hear that.” you also never heard this cold voice tone of Baekhyun, and you heard almost every negative version of Baekhyun’s voice which he spared only to use against you. “Let’s finish the meals, we have to be back to work.”

“Yeah.” you nod, lightly smiled. You managed to make him mad, you achieved your goal to annoy him so bad.

Why did you feel bad?

Why did you want Baekhyun to continue on the game?

Why did you feel regretful?

Why did you want to cry?

When Baekhyun’s phone started to ring, you almost completed every house in the list Junmyeon gave to you.

And you spent the last two hours in a total silence. It was eerily, Baekhyun’s lips firmly presses into each other like he sworn on not to talk again. You were not so different, but inside of your mind, something was gnawing your inner peace.

You were not happy, even you coped with the most difficult task, shutting Baekhyun’s mouth.

But you were not happy. You did not feel like you got the prize.

Instead…

You were extremely sad, and you felt like you let the trophy to slid between your fingers.

You had to feel like you hit the jackpot, but quite opposite, you were miserable.

You were especially afraid of losing Baekhyun’s attention, your own heart was aching at the way you told him off.

Still, you were lying to yourself and trying to conceal what made you afraid, you were not honest to your conscious, however despite of your efforts, you knew something was wrong with you after his transformation after you showed him the door.

You were a coward; you were not accepting the solid fact that you were in love with Byun Baekhyun and what made you afraid was nothing but losing him.

However, you were also sure on Baekhyun had a place in your head, making you shutter, had you shaking in your shoes. You could not name where to put his name, but you knew he had a place in your life.

And you were horrified by the possibility of losing the chance of hearing his voice. Even if his cocky remarks were the only words you could rip from him.

“Yeah?” Baekhyun answered to the call, for a second, you were happy to hear his voice again, but he walked towards to the last house you had to visit without waiting for you. He did not do this, even in the beginning of the day. You took a deep breath, you did not know why the heck you were really sad for his sudden coldness, godfuckingdamnit didn’t you hate and always despise each other? You mentally slapped yourself to gather yourself up, but it was pointless, you rushed to catch him.

You were aware of there was a painful squeeze in your chest, but you could not understand the reason of its presence or how you could get rid of that.

“Junmyeon told us to retreat.” Baekhyun informed you without looking at you. “After this house, we have to run back to the meeting point.”

“Okey.” you nod, hated the meek voice tone you produced but your mind was not on the case, you were questioning your own feelings and firm beliefs about Baekhyun.

Baekhyun was not better, to be honest, he was worse than you.

When you nonchalantly told him he was not in your list, he wanted to puke everything he devoured during lunch even though tteokbokki was his favourite food. He wanted to punch himself on the face when you counted the members of your fucking list, he wanted to smack his head into the table.

Chanyeol? Kyungsoo? Damnit, even Junmyeon found his way to sneak into your list, but Baekhyun was not there.

He was always sure of he would be landed in every list, but he never think that being in your fucking list was the most important for him.

Why did he care if you were not seeing him as a man or not?

This question swirling in his head had his mind shattering.

As much as he was happy to see you wiggling like a worm under the fires, he could not control his reactions against the problem. When he saw you trembling over a case, he was the first one always popped out of nowhere to fix the problem in the darkness and never let you learn that it was him. He did not let even Junmyeon to help you, putting aside Chanyeol or Kyungsoo.

Baekhyun was the one who had been saving your ass like he was your invisible rescue call.

But you did not name him in your fucking list.

It drove him into crazy. The lack of your attention. He never mean that alerting you on his helps or care for you, but at the same time, he never think that his efforts would be equal to nothing.

He hated himself as much he hated you.

While you were walking back to the meeting point, both of you were lost in your own darkest thoughts. You were carefully paying the attention in order to not to have immersed each other, however both of you wanted nothing but screaming to each other, enough to have the fiercest fight till now.

You wanted to lose yourself in Baekhyun just like he was dying to bury himself into you for his dear life. However, both of you were very good at muting the voices of your hearts and minds.

“Indy! Baekhyun!” you heard Minseok, turning to his voice. “It is going to be a blizzard; we have to find a shelter.”

“Ha?”

“The forecast was clear as fuck.” Chanyeol pointed Junmyeon who was glued to his phone. “Jun is looking for a hotel for us since we could not go back.”

“We can take the cabs?” you were puzzled, a blizzard would be bad, but it did not mean that you had to spend the night here. “I mean, we are not living in a different city.”

“Yeah, you are right.” Shinhye crossed her arms over her shoulders, trying to keep herself warm. You had to admit, although you did not feel it till now, the weather was really cold. “But the cab drivers refused to drive into the city center. They advised us to stay here.”

“How about using metro?” you asked. “It is not so hard.”

“If you want,” Junmyeon hissed at you, holding the phone over his shoulder for a second. “You can try your chance, Indy. However, we are going to spend the night here. Safe and warm.”

“He is right.” Kyungsoo smiled at you. “I prefer to be warm and dry, sorry.”

You took a look at the team, and everyone was approving Kyungsoo’s words like they were bloody zealots.

“Okey, dumbasses.” you sighed in annoyance. “But we do not have even fucking pyjamas.”

“You can always take your clothes off.” Chanyeol winked at you. “Who says you need a pair of pyjamas to sleep?”

“Shut the fuck up, Chanyeol.” a sudden blush spread over your cheekbones, Chanyeol could not help but burst into laughs.

Baekhyun was determined to ignore you, but he could not help himself.

“Yeah, number one.” he muttered between his teeth, enough to be heard only by you. “Golden heart.”

Your chin was dropped for a few inches after hearing his annoyed voice tone and vindictive comment.

Could it be the reason of his unexpected coldness?

Could he be jealous of your invalid expressions and your fake list?

No way.

He could not be.

Your heart skipped the order of beats.

“Okey,” Junmyeon interrupted your thoughts. “We are going, if we are lucky, we will be in the hotel before the bloody snow will sweep down on us.”

“Let’s go!” Shinhye grabbed your hand, dragging you beside of herself. You submissively followed her footsteps; however, your mind was distracted by Baekhyun’s last words.

Could it be?

“This is heaven.” Jongdae rubbed his tummy. “Thank you, Jun!”

“No problem.” Junmyeon smiled and looked at all of you, to be honest, after a really good and delicious dinner, everyone was knocked out over the table.

Except you and Baekhyun.

“If you want you can go to your rooms.” Junmyeon said. “Since we were fortunate to find a single room for each of us, I do not think we have to play rock-paper-scissor.”

“Ah, having a room for myself.” Minseok laughed. “I do not have to hear your snorts, Junmyeon.”

They were sharing the same flat, everyone laughed after his teasing, Junmyeon too.

“Look who is talking.” he beamed. “I am so happy that I am going to have one night without your damn showering rituals.”

“Tell us about it.” Jongdae whined. “Pleeeassse.”

While Junmyeon and Minseok had been giving details of their flatmate stories to the team, making everyone to enjoy the environment, you were deeply sink into the pool of thoughts.

What a day, you thought. And why I feel like I am desperate?

Also, Baekhyun was not enjoying the unexpected banquet, instead he was quite enough to draw attention to himself. Chanyeol was on the verge of asking what the heck was wrong with him, but Kyungsoo kicked him under the table, pointed you with his eyes. Chanyeol’s wit quickly grabbed the matter, and he devilishly grinned.

You gave a hard day to Baekhyun, and he had no intention to change a thing between you and Baekhyun.

He always believed that you were secretly liking each other, but as you were nothing but stubborn bastards, you concealed your feelings towards each other.

Chanyeol definitely had zero motive to interrupt the fight between you, if it meant you would understand your mutual feelings.

Junmyeon also sensed the tension between you and Baekhyun, but he was not the type of persons who could wait on his corner.

“Baekhyun? Baekhyun!” Junmyeon called out him, waking him up. “How was your day? Why you guys are silent as dead?”

“We completed the task.” Baekhyun answered sourly, the corner of his mouth jumping downwards faintly. “As you assigned me and her.”

Baekhyun deliberately avoided using the pronoun of us.

“And it was a hell of task.” he continued. “I am so tired.”

“Even if you are fucking tired,” Jongdae raised a rejection. “You never shut your mouth, tell us what the heck is gnawing you?”

The bloody girl who sits next to you, Baekhyun thought but he was clever enough to keep the filter between his mouth and brain as valid.

“The girl I gave a promise for this night.” he forced himself to beam. “Because of this fucking weather, I have to arrange another meeting with her.”

Your heart churned, his reply had you wanting to slap your face. Harshly.

And you thought that he could be jealous because you named Chanyeol!

You were nothing but such an idiot.

An idiot who did not know a single piece of shit but acting so superior.

You were a goddamn idiot.

Chanyeol’s eyes narrowed after hearing Baekhyun’s shitty words, Kyungsoo wanted to punch Baekhyun’s face so bad, Junmyeon’s dislike of Baekhyun was obvious but he did not say anything, just sighed in desperation.

You felt nothing but another flash of pain as someone hit your abdomen.

“Are you okey, Indy?” Jongdae leaned over to you, whispering. You shook your head positively, smiling slightly. “You did not throw yourself into even desert.”

Your love for deserts was not a secret amongst your friends as Shinhye, sharing Jongdae’s concerns, handed you a bunch of cloudy puffs, filled with lemon cream. You took one of them, although you had no appetite, you forced yourself to eat the puff in order to put your friends at ease.

He was your biggest enemy and rival, right?

Why you were so devastated, almost on the verge of being hysterical?

You were not aware of you had been hypocritical with your feelings, and you were running away from your own heart. That’s why your hands were shaking, your heart was drumming into your ribs and aching as hell.

You were not ready to face with your heart, but you were also too naïve to save yourself from the pain it caused.

“Was he really harsh on you?” Jongdae murmured, his eyes was nothing but full of worries. “I am sure you could put him in his place but still…”

“He was not.” you said. “And you know me, nothing cheers me up but kicking his ass.”

“Glad to hear that.” Jongdae inhaled but the worries did not leave his face. “So why are you so down?”

“I am really tired today.” you sighed, tucking another puff into your mouth as you mentally punched your face in order to take the fucking control of yourself. “But if I will eat enough amount of these pastries, I will be like a bomb.”

“You are already like a bomb.” Minseok joined into the chat. “You look like on the verge of exploding.”

You unwillingly laughed at his damn right assumption.

“You know what?” you sniffed. “I am dying for a good drink. Would like to join me for a soju break?”

There was no single soul who could oppose to propose of grab a drink in your team. Jongdae jumped out of his chair, Shinhye was born ready and Minseok was the strongest drunkard.

“We are heading to the bar.” Minseok happily announced. “If you guys want to join, perfect, if not, good night to all.”

You were always impressed by the eagerness of Sejong Team to jump into any opportunity for a drink. Everyone, every single soul of this team, had a strong will to consume a respectable amount of alcohol. Less than a minute, everyone gathered up and headed to the elevators in order to visit the terrace of the hotel.

You had been wondering how rich Junmyeon was, even though he was a senior in college, or which kind of relations he had under his belt.

Jesus, you could not pay your attention during the dinner, however the hotel you had been staying was nothing but a touch of luxury. You had a strong guess on the payment bill of this place, however you preferred to keep it to yourself as you knew that Junmyeon did not like talking about the wealth lies beneath his fingertips.

But the bar was intimating.

Minseok, Jongdae and Kyungsoo were having a fierce conversation about the administrative offices of Roman Empire, Shinhye were with Junmyeon as they were talking on the next project that they aimed to present for the Head of Department. Chanyeol, only God knew how the heck he found that, was playing a guitar and you, as dwelling in an extremely comfortable armchair, tucked yourself into a blanket like a sushi roll, were enjoying the sudden calmness around yourself. The dim lights, from the chandeliers dangling from the ceiling, casting mirages across the hall, showing the wooden tables scattered between the chairs and beautiful, fresh cut flowers in their elegant vases.

It is not Korean but Chinese or Japanese, you thought, however with your bad eyesight, making an observation about the porcelain and its design was impossible. Also, you were a little bit slothful at the very moment to move your butt, you wanted to indulge in the soju you were holding, not anything else.

You felt a hand on your shoulder, warm but unfamiliar, your head jerked to face the owner of touch.

Baekhyun was looking at you, however his eyes were different from his usual self. There was no intention to mock with you, his eyes were clear as the snow drops that covering the streets right now.

“May I sit?” Baekhyun asked to you, catching you off guard with an unexpected kindness. You nod, feeling a sudden increase of the level of excitement, but kept your mouth shut. “Thank you.”

Thanking you? Byun Baekhyun?

You perked up, starting to prepare yourself for the fight, despite of the considerable amount of soju flowing in your veins, you were ready to guard yourself.

His elbow brushed your forearm when he was rolling his body in order to adjust the chair next to you.

You were shocked by the reaction your body gave to the moment, the only thing he did was sitting on a fucking chair, but your cheekbones were on fire.

His hips, damn his hips your inner voice was hysterically whispering in your head.

“May I ask to which muse I owe this honour?” you searched Baekhyun’s eyes for a glint of dismissiveness, however this was the very first time you have been the target of sincere, chocolate brown and deep irises.

“I have a question for you.” Baekhyun quickly ignored your offensive joke. “Why I am not in your list?”

He may as well have tossed you inside of a volcano, kicking you into the pool of lava, the impact would be the same. Your heart prompted to your stomach, they churned together, your throat and lungs tightened so bad, enough to cut your air by yourself.

You open your mouth, but nothing come out, just a bubble.

“I do not know how to translate that.” he sneered however you were at a loss. You could expect a lot of words from Byun Baekhyun but questioning the reason of his absence in your fucking list was not one of them.

“There is—” you bite your lower lip to stop yourself, you were on the verge of confessing that there was no list, you just tried to poke his ego, but thank God, you still had a piece of sanity to hold on. “I do not understand. Why do you care my list?”

Do I look like I fucking know? Baekhyun wanted to shake your cage, he wished nothing but screaming at you with all power he had in his lungs. He had no idea why he was mad at you, but he was out of rage and the only reason was you.

“Because I am curious.” he leaned his elbows onto his knees, cocking one eyebrow to you. “And what I hate most is being ignorant to a case.”

“I know.” you spoke without thinking, your mind was delving into the current problem you had in order to find a balanced answer, so you did not realize what you exactly said.

Unfortunately for you, Byun Baekhyun did not become your biggest rival by being blind or deaf.

His lips slightly curled upwards.

But the gentleman he could be, he did not corner you for the time being.

“So?”

It did not mean he would not try to push you in order to get what he wanted.

“Is there a rule saying that every human being has to be interested in you?”

You were not aware of it, but your voice was cracking, and your breathing became heavier, quickened and there was a sheen of sweet on your forehead.

To your dismay, Byun Baekhyun did not unconsciously mark you as his girl without studying you to the bits.

“Humanity is a different topic.” he widely smiled. “I wonder about you, sweetheart.”

Your breath stuck in your lungs because of the endearment, even though you were aware of his teasing of you.

“You are not my type, Byun.” you dead serious.

“Ah, your type is Chanyeol, right?” he smirked, turning his head to the tall brunette who indulged himself into the guitar. “Should we alert him to your interest in him?”

“Goddamn, no!” you hissed at him. What kind of trouble he was aiming to knit on your head? “Do you know the definition of privacy? You are invading personal boundaries, dumbass.”

“I do not think so.” Baekhyun shrugged his shoulder. “If you like Chanyeol, Chanyeol has the right of be aware of your interest.”

“Okey, even a scoundrel like you cannot be crossing the limit of respect like this.” you moved to stand up, giving the most dangerous look to Baekhyun. “I do not have to lis-

“Hey, Chanyeol!” Baekhyun called him with a high-pitched voice. Chanyeol lifted his head, distracted by the unexpected scream of Baekhyun.

“What?”

“Nothing!” your hand immediately tugged onto Baekhyun’s knee, squeezing it tightly in order to warn him. “You are playing so good, keep going!”

Chanyeol laughed at your words.

“You do not have to scream like that, Goddamnit.”

“Tell it to your friend.” you rolled your eyes back, fuming with anger but covering your face pretty well. You turned to Baekhyun, your eyes telling him that he was in serious danger if he was not going to shut his fucking mouth up.

Baekhyun did not care your silent warning, but your hand on his knee was a real distraction for him.

“I know that he is not your type.” he murmured, watching your hand, small, pale, and soft, Baekhyun did not want to confess but he wanted to latch your fingers to his. “Is it Kyungsoo?”

“Do I interrogate your preferences of girls, damn?” you literally gritted between your teeth. “Leave it.”

“I have no intention.” Baekhyun turned to Kyungsoo, narrowing his eyes. “Let’s ask if you are Kyungsoo’s type.”

“What the fuck are you, cupid?!” you grunted, and your hands moved without your consent. You grasped Baekhyun’s jawline, your fingertips were brushing his ears. “I said, leave it.”

“If you want to shut my mouth,” Baekhyun beamed, ignoring the fact that your touch meant for a lot than he could expect, he was going to think about it later. “Tell me why I am not in your list.”

“No one can desire someone like you!” you exploded. “An arrogant, dandy, selfish boy who does not know nothing but bringing trouble to others. That’s why you can never be in my list, even I have to choose between you and an octopus. For the records, I hate octopus, but I would go for it, if it means the other option is you.”

“Oh, you hurt me.” Baekhyun’s eyes glimmered with the sparks of unnamed feelings. He leaned forward, enough you to feel his breath fanning your lips. “You know what, sweetheart? You are so aggressive only when you have a secret which have to stay only in your head.”

“W-what?”

“I am definitely in that list.” Baekhyun claimed it with confidence, but it was just the appearance. Inside him, his heart was definitely shuttering, cracking into pieces, he had no control over himself, he could not understand his sudden behaviours. “I am in your list, if there is a list.”

Your eyes widened, and pupils blown up.

“Jesus.” you snorted. “When you lost your fucking mind?”

“You are a pretty bad liar.” Baekhyun was making assumptions out of his ass in order to get a reaction from you, he was not fucking sure if he was in the list or not, but everything he said actually rang the true bells.

“And you are a lunatic.” your intense eyes pinned him down, and the frowning lips caught your attention, but you forced to came back to your senses as soon as possible. “You will never be anything more than a lunatic.”

You attempted to stand up, but he was incredibly swift to catch your wrist, pressing you back to the armchair.

“Tell me, sweetheart.” he held your wrist for his dear life, caging you and to your disappointment, coming closer to your face, causing your ability of speaking to be faded immediately.

His godfuckingdamnit lips.

“You have been having doubts on me since the day we met, your driving force is giving me hard time.” his breathing was fanning your cheekbones. "Confess now, why are you pissed at me all the time?”

“Hell, you do talk like you are so different. Aren’t you the one who always finds a way to be trouble for me?” you raised one eyebrow, letting him to realize the game was reserved for two people. “If it means liking someone, since when you have been fallen in love over heels with me?”

“You have no idea how much I want to place your heels over my shoulders.”

Your chin was dropped, his words had you turning into a mummy who was trying to register into his remarkable sentence without a single brain cell.

You had to come up with the best answer you could give. You had to find the best response to him, and it had to be a perfect balance of sharpness, cockiness, and matureness as it had to be said with the resting bitch face.

And you heard your own voice.

“Ha?”

“You heard what I said.” Baekhyun intensively gazed at you, the proximity between your bodies had your body quivering and trembling at the same time and his fucking knee slightly, almost insensibly pushed your legs apart.

“You are really nonsensical, Baekhyun.” you inhaled, doing your best in order to ignore all the jolts all over your body, numbing your mind but also setting the skin on fire. Every time you said his name, Baekhyun felt something turning in his lower stomach. “What the fuck you want from me?”

“You did not name me in your list.” You could not believe your fucking eyes, more importantly, you could not believe you were still listening his gibberish like a kindergarten kiddo. “But, I am better than everyone else here.”

His voice dropped the slightest, making you shiver.

“Would you like me to prove it to you?”

[tigerkirby215]

5e Aphelios, the Weapon of the Faithful build (League of Legends)

(Artwork by Pan Chengwei. Made for Riot Games.)

(Shit meme by yours truly.)

Yes I hate Irelia so much I’m genuinely making an Aphelios build before her.

But I really don’t get the “Aphelios too confusing 200 years” memes. Don’t get me wrong his kit’s weird and certainly overtuned but it doesn’t take that long to figure out what his guns do. Calibrum has long range and fires a skill shot, Severum has lifesteal and attacks fast, Gravitum slows and roots, Infernum attacks in a cone for AoE damage, and Crescendum attacks very fast and creates a turret.

Just because I understand this does it mean I can play Aphelios? Fuck no. Did I learn all this from Legends of Runeterra by playing Labs with Aphelios? Yeah kinda. But all I’m saying is that if my stupid support-main ass can do midway decently as Aphelios on free-to-play rotation I really think the hype around him is overblown.

That’s enough hot takes from me. He’s the point where I list 5 goals for this build instead of 3 and make 200 years jokes.

GOALS

Calibrum - We’ll need a long-ranged weapon to harass our foes and pick them off when they try to run.

Severum - If enemies get too close or we get too low we’ll need a way to keep ourselves alive in a 1v1.

Gravitum - We’ll need to control our foes to always stay in an advantageous position.

Infernum - AoE damage is always useful to deal with crowds.

Crescendum - To take down the toughest of foes we’ll need to unleash all our firepower and even get our weapons to fir themselves.

Basically we need literally everything, all packed within 20 levels of D&D and 200 years of game design.

RACE

Aphelios is a human... but ellipsis means that another race makes more sense. Aphelios has his sister advising him wherever he goes in life, so to play two spirits in one a Kalashtar is a good choice! Your Wisdom score increases by 2 and your Charisma increases by 1. Alune’s Dual Mind grants you Advantage on Wisdom saving throws, and her Mental Discipline lets you resist Psychic damage. Alune also keeps you Severed from Dreams, meaning that you’re immune to spells that require you to dream (like the Dream spell) but not spells that require you to sleep (like Sleep.)

Aphelios doesn’t talk (unless you want him to) but Alune can make a Mind Link to speak telepathically with others! You can speak telepathically to any creature you can see that’s within a number of feet of you equal to 10 times your level. You don’t need to share a language with them, but they must be able to understand at least one language. You can also use your action to give that creature the ability to speak telepathically with you for 1 hour or until you end this effect as an action. To use this ability, the creature must be able to see you and must be within this trait’s range. You can only give this ability to only one person at a time however, as it ends when you give it to someone else. Oh and speaking of languages you know Common, Quori (which no one is going to have outside of Eberron lol), and one other language of your choice: Celestial probably makes the most sense but you can pick whatever you fancy.

ABILITY SCORES

15; CHARISMA - You’re a kpop pretty boy, because Aphelios has more guns than body types in League of Legends.

14; WISDOM - I mean you get advantage in Wisdom saves anyways: may as well make the skill good too?

13; DEXTERITY - You are a marksman but we aren’t really using DEX for combat. So in other words: something something Medium Armor.

12; CONSTITUTION - You are one of the squishiest ADCs in the game but you do have enough sustain to keep yourself alive.

10; INTELLIGENCE - You were trained spiritually, as opposed to academically. That being said Religion is an Intelligence skill for some reason.

8; STRENGTH - I mean look at Aphelios’ arms; kid’s a freaking twink.

BACKGROUND

Aphelios fights for him and his sister’s faith in the Lunari... bit unorthodox, but you’re certainly quite the devoted Acolyte. As an acolyte you get proficiency in Religion but I’d replace your proficiency in Insight with Medicine, which you’re probably used to after drinking so much poison. You also learn two languages that you won’t use because Aphelios is mute. (But yeah pick whatever you think will be useful and if you want to feel free to swap your languages for tools or something. A Herbalism Kit or Poisoner’s Kit actually works rather well given your favorite drink to keep close to your sister.)

Alune may be in the Shelter of the Faithful but you can return to the temple from time to time for solace. You and your adventuring companions can expect free healing and care at a temple, shrine, or other established location of Lunari faith (you have to provide any material components for spells though.) The Lunari will support you (but only you) at a modest lifestyle in the temples.

If you’re near your sister’s shrine you can ask the chosen Lunari priests for assistance, provided the assistance you ask for is not hazardous and you remain in good standing with your temple and your sister.

(Artwork by SixMoreVodka Studios. Made for Legends of Runeterra by Riot Games.)

THE BUILD

LEVEL 1 - SORCERER 1

Starting off as a Sorcerer for proficiency in CON saving throws lol, but also for proficiency in Arcana and the Insight skill we skipped from our background. But Sorcerers get to choose their subclass at level 1 and to get closer to the Aspects grab a touch of the Divine Soul. As a Weapon of the Faithful you are Favored by the Gods, letting you add 2d4 to a missed attack roll or saving throw once per Short or Long Rest for a touch of Alune’s guidance. I’m going to mention now that a death saving throw is technically a saving throw, and I mention it because your AC is 11 and your health is 7. Level 1 ADCs, am I right?

Anyways: Divine Souls get Divine Magic for one extra spell from the Cleric spell list: technically you’re supposed to take one of the ones they suggest to you but I’d recommend Guiding Bolt for Calibrum’s Q: a long ranged shot that lets you shoot the target more easily afterwards.

And of course being able to cast spells implies that you have Spellcasting! You can learn four cantrips from the Sorcerer or Cleric list which means you can grab Guidance for a bit more of your sister’s help. You can also grab Word of Radiance to attack everyone near you with Severum’s Q, Acid Splash for some AoE damage from Infernum (should it be doing fire damage? Yeah probably), and Light to see with your dumb Kalashtar eyes. You can also learn two leveled spells like Sanctuary to protect yourself or your allies as long as they act peacefully, and Ice Knife for a more ranged AoE blast from Infernum.

If you want you can grab Mage Armor or something because your AC and HP are kinda uhhhhhhhhhh... trash?

LEVEL 2 - WARLOCK 1

Hopefully you didn’t die as a level 1 Aphelios with 7 HP and 11 AC; we didn’t even get 200 years of damage yet! Warlocks get to choose their subclass at level 1 as well which means you can shape yourself as the Fiend the Solari see you as. Dark One’s Blessing grants you temporary hitpoints equal to your Charisma modifier plus your Warlock level whenever you slay a foe for Severum’s lifesteal and passive shield.

You also get Pact Magic, which is like regular Spellcasting but your spell slots are funny! You can learn two cantrips from the Warlock list like Eldritch Blast to blast while you eldritch, and Chill Touch for some Grievous Wounds. You can also learn two Warlock spells like Burning Hands from the Fiendlock list to blast your foes with Infernum, and Hex to mark your foe for death under the moon.

LEVEL 3 - WARLOCK 2

Second level Warlocks get access to Eldritch Invocations like Agonizing Blast to agonize your blasts, and Lance of Lethargy to slow your foes with Gravitum. You can also learn another Warlock spell like Unseen Servant for some extra sisterly help. I mean, you’re probably going to replace these all next level anyways.

LEVEL 4 - WARLOCK 3

Third level Warlocks can choose their Pact Boon and truthfully? Just about any of them work. Pact of the Blade would be the most “in-character” but your Strength and Dexterity are both kind of bad and you don’t need to use weapons. Pact of the Chain will let you personify Alune on your person and get a shitty version of Crescendum’s turret but Aphelios doesn’t have a pet. Pact of the Tome lets you get Aspect of the Moon which is funny in its own right and more cantrips are universally useful. And hell: even Pact of the Talisman is useful for your sister to lend her aid to someone else in the party. Basically this is an elaborate way for me to say that your Pact Boon doesn’t matter much for this build, as we won’t be using any of the abilities or invocations from your Pact Boon much. So pick what you think will be useful and fun and make your own Aphelios!

With that being said: you can also learn second level Warlock spells now! Shadow Blade will serve as Crescendum’s blade that you can throw at the enemy, but it is based on your DEX which is kind of... bad? Well at least you can replace Unseen Servant with Misty Step, because a summoner’s Flash is more useful than your sister’s unseen help.

LEVEL 5 - WARLOCK 4

Man isn’t it fun to wait until level 5 to not die when the enemy support breathes on you? That uneven Dexterity score was done so you could grab the Moderately Armored feat for +1 to your Dexterity and proficiency in Medium Armor and Shields. Grab both to get hit less, basically!

You can also learn another spell like Hold Person for Gravitum’s root. And another cantrip like Minor Illusion for your sister to summon some props that you can hide behind.

(Artwork by Jennifer Wuestling. Made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 6 - WARLOCK 5

Hey that Medium Armor doesn’t really fit your outfit: how about the Mask of Many Faces invocation to put on some skins?

Third level spells are also useful! Vampiric Touch will let you heal in close range by damaging your foes with Severum.

LEVEL 7 - WARLOCK 6

6th level Fiend Warlocks get more guidance from Alune. The Solari may call it the Dark One’s Own Luck but all it lets you do is add a d10 to an ability check or saving throw once per Short or Long Rest. I mean hey: if you want a load of saving throw insurance this plus Favored by the Gods basically means you’re adding +10 to a saving throw!

You can also learn another spell but the only ones I’d want have very expensive components. Basically I want a Tasha’s summoning spell for Crescendum’s turret, but you’re going to be replacing it with...

LEVEL 8 - WARLOCK 7

4th level Warlocks can learn Summon Aberration which is a little more than just a turret! You can choose between a Beholderkin turret, Slaad tank, or Star Spawned Aspect! I’m not going to go too deep into this spell as you can read up on it for yourself but the point is you’ve got some backup now!

Alternatively if you want I think your sis could use some friends: Banishment will send them up to the temple where they’ll have to sit around and chat peacefully with Alune. Or if they’re not from the plane you’re in they’ll just be sent home.

Oh and you can also get another Eldritch Invocation like Eldritch Spear to keep your range with Calibrum.

LEVEL 9 - WARLOCK 8

8th level Warlocks get another Ability Score Improvement: you should probably increase your Charisma for more damage and accuracy with your weapons.

Speaking of weapons Dimension Door will let you head back to fountain to buy more weapons, or get out of danger and in range to use your weapons.

(Artwork by SixMoreVodka Studios. Made for Legends of Runeterra by Riot Games.)

LEVEL 10 - SORCERER 2

We’ve gotten all of out basic auto attacks: now I want some of Aphelios’ finer abilities. Second level Sorcerers get a Font of Magic for Sorcery Points which currently do nothing other than let you get more spell slots. You can melt down your Warlock slots however to get more Sorcery points, which will be useful later.

And of course you can learn more spells, but we’re going to wait for...

LEVEL 11 - SORCERER 3

Third level Sorcerers can finally learn Metamagic to empower their spells! You can take Quickened Spell for some Attack Speed, or Seeking Spell for some armor penetration to deal with higher AC enemies.

You can also learn second level spells like Icingdeath’s Frost (UA soon to be in Fizban’s hopefully) to blast foes with Infernum then Gravitum, or Dragon’s Breath to blast Infernum all throughout the fight.

LEVEL 12 - SORCERER 4

Would be good to cap off that Charisma, so go ahead and do so with your ASI.

You can also learn another spell like Spiritual Weapon for a turret you can move around a bit, and a new cantrip like Mage Hand for your sister’s help reaching the top shelf.

(Artwork made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 13 - SORCERER 5

5th level Sorcerers can get some Magical Guidance from their sister to reroll ability checks, because she’s been reading up on Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything.

You can also learn a new spell like Fireball... I mean I really shouldn’t need to justify this. It’s Fireball. Blast them with Moonlight Vigil for a burst of Infernum’s fire!

LEVEL 14 - SORCERER 6

6th level Divine Soul Sorcerers can use their Sorcery Points for Empowered Healing... wait you have healing? Well whenever you or an ally within 5 feet of you rolls dice to heal from a spell, you can spend 1 sorcery point to reroll any number of those dice once, as long as you’re not incapacitated. This technically doesn’t work with Vampiric Touch (since that spell does damage and then heals you based on how much damage it deals) but if your support heals you or a nearby ally there’s no reason not to give them an extra pick-me-up!

You can also learn another spell but I’m going to hop back to second level real quick for Mirror Image. It perhaps doesn’t fit as well (which is why I didn’t take it until now) but it’s very good to keep yourself alive, and as a squishy Lunari boy it’ll be very helpful to make it harder for the enemy to hit you.

LEVEL 15 - SORCERER 7

7th level Sorcerers can learn 4th level spells like Guardian of Faith for a turret that actually stands still! It shoots at anyone who comes close, and when it runs out of ammo it disappears. But what’s cool about this spell is that it lasts for 8 hours, which is plenty of time to rest through the night while your sister watches over you.

LEVEL 16 - SORCERER 8

8th level Sorcerers get another Ability Score Improvement or Feat: seeing as you’re mostly casting War Caster would be a good pickup to keep your Concentration with your bad Constitution and also hit those who come too close with magic. Or you could just get better Constitution maybe since it’s a bit late for War Caster tbh...

You can also learn another spell like Death Ward, for a Guardian Angel that you’re probably going to need seeing as you still have less than a hundred health.

(Artwork by Francis Tneh and West Studios. Made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 17 - SORCERER 9

9th level Sorcerers can learn 5th level spells like Teleportation Circle to recall back to base or to your sister’s temple. If you know the sequence of sigils to go back to a teleportation circle you can use this spell to link yourself back to it. You can also create a new circle over the course of a year. (And by spending a lot of gold.)

Basically this is my way of saying that we got all we wanted after level 16 tbh and I’m kinda just going through the motions of grabbing your last few levels.

LEVEL 18 - SORCERER 10

10th level Sorcerers get their third Metamagic option! Hurrah! By this point you have enough spells that force saving throws that Heightened Spell is a good option to make it a lot harder for your opponents to resist 200 years of magic!

You can also learn another 5th level spell like Hold Monster for Gravitum’s root against a ganking Fiddlesticks. And another cantrip: I somehow didn’t take Prestidigitation until now, so grab it for all sorts of basic Lunari magic.

LEVEL 19 - SORCERER 11

11th level Sorcerers can learn a 6th level spell! This is going to be your final, highest level spell; your ultimate ability! And I’d consider an ultimate from a fed Aphelios to be a Circle of Death. It’s a huge AoE that does a lot of damage: a simple nuke for a simple ADC that isn’t remotely confusing.

LEVEL 20 - SORCERER 12

12th level Sorcerers get one last Ability Score Improvement or Feat... I’m going to be honest: this doesn’t fit Aphelios but you likely have around 100 HP. Do yourself a favor and grab the Tough feat for 40 extra health.

FINAL BUILD

PROS

For every phase, a weapon - Wow who would’ve guessed building for versatility makes you versatile? You have a huge variety of spells for just about any occasion: AoEs to deal with crowds, single-target spells to take down big foes, crowd control to keep enemies in place, summons to keep enemies targeting them instead of your allies, and of course more than enough damage to shake a stick at.

In your hand; from my heart - Sorcery points also give you plenty of flexibility, notably in your ability to greatly increase damage output thanks to Quickened Spell on Eldritch Blasts and Seeking Spell to reroll missed Eldritch Blasts. But being able to turn your Warlock slots into ammo for your more useful guns is extremely useful and allows you to better adapt to various situations.

I am with you... shining above - Medium armor goes quite a long way! A Breastplate and Shield gives you a solid 18 AC, and if you’re willing to have Stealth Disadvantage upgrading to Half Plate gives you a respectable 19 AC!

CONS

You make yourself a weapon, so you do not have to feel - Skill proficiencies are reserved for those who don’t spend 200 years on damage. You have two skills from your background and two from your class and none of them are particularly great. Sure your Insight and Medicine skills are fine enough but you’re going to be beaten in Arcana by a Wizard and Religion by a Cleric also a Wizard, because Religion is an Intelligence skill for some reason.

Your life upon the altar, brother... - Even with the Tough feat your health is extremely poor. d6 hit die hurt and anyone with Power Word Kill can easily execute you. While I did give you good Wisdom for roleplay’s sake you could (and probably should) opt for Constitution instead.

An omen in your grasp - Your low health is kind of a problem when a lot of your spells force you into close range. There are ways to use spells like Burning Hands, Dragon’s Breath, Shadow Blade, and Vampiric Touch without getting too close (those methods being the Distant Spell Metamagic which we didn’t take; you could totally replace Seeking Spell if you wanted though) but Severum and Infernum are balanced around their low range. There’s no reason you can’t throw balance out the window to take spells that will likely be more useful.

But you are a weapon, sworn to carry your faith and show the world the light in the darkness. Your task is to slay those that deny the right of your people before they even know you are there... Sure confusing them as to what you are even doing is also effective, and I guess it doesn’t matter if your abilities make sense if they’re all dead. They’ll have 200 years to figure out how you killed them: I’m sure that’s plenty of time to read your ability descriptions.

(Artwork by @NAOMM29 on Twitter.)

[shimmershae]

My thoughts on Episode 8--For Blood

As always, placed behind a cut for those of you that would rather escape my babbling, lol.  You’re welcome.  

Sadly, I don’t think this is anticipation I feel.  I’m pretty sure it’s dread but okay.  Here we go.  

This episode has to go up from the rock bottom boredom of last week, right?  

Let me preface what I’m about to say with the truth that I in no way hate Maggie.  She’s been with us since Season 2 and I have an emotional attachment to her, mostly due to my love of Glenn and the way he loved her.  She’s not my favorite by any means, but the fact of the matter is, I do like and appreciate her and don’t mind that she is back because it’s nice to have old familiar faces with us to take us into the final season.  That said?  Forcing Maggie front and center after her long absence ultimately, IMHO, has not worked in these first 8 episodes.  I can’t help but feel if ASZ had been the A story with Maggie/Negan and Daryl/Leah/the Reapers the B1 and B2 story?  These episodes would have been better received overall and not feel so much like they’re trying so hard.  Maybe lead me toward the water instead of shoving my head in it next time, Angela?  Hmm?  

Oh goodie.  They’re opening at Meridian.  Should I get my bathroom break out of the way now or give myself an out for later?  Call it Shae’s choice, lol.  

That flicker of a smirk Leah gave to Carver after their mini walk down memory lane had more spark to it than the entirety of her and Daryl’s toxic relationship.  In the future, maybe Angela will lean all in on them instead of Leah and Daryl.  Something tells me Leah knows this “brother” biblically.  

Daryl recognizes Whisperer moves when he sees ‘em.  Somehow, he realizes Maggie and Negan have banded together however reluctantly.  

Pope doing it “Dixon’s” way but not allowing Dixon to do the actual thing shows the level of distrust and paranoia the man still haves for outsiders. 

Look at Daryl chewing his lips with worry for his people.  If he and Leah know each other even a little bit, she has to recognize that as one of his tells.  

Ooohhhh.  Who took the first stab at Wells?  Maggie?  Negan?  Father G?  I swear.  I took my eyes off the “ball” one second and the whole damn play is halfway down the field.  Sorry.  If you cannot tell, I watched football with the fam yesterday, lol.  

The Walking Dead logo didn’t crumble this time.  Interesting.  Parts of it looked like it had been rebuilt.  With brick.  Wood.  Other parts of it looked reclaimed by nature.  Call me crazy, but that almost looks like an eye/part of a face on the first D.  

Okay then.  Babbling nonsense about the logo over, lol.  Tell me.  Please.  Anybody.  How do the events at ASZ line up with the events at Meridian?  Because it’s night and full-blown storming in ASZ and still daylight at Meridian.  But hey.  Thank fuck we’re in ASZ.  

All the babies huddled together giving me feels.  Sorry.  I know some feel they have no place on the show, but I personally enjoy their inclusion from time to time.  It usually plucks hard at my heartstrings.  

Connie tenderly comforting an injured Virgil is sweet, not gonna lie.  

Aww.  Is that Hershel petting a scared RJ’s hair?  Unless it’s a case of me not being able to pick out and place all the little hands, which it most certainly could be, I’m thinking Judith’s got her hand on her knee and that’s Hershel’s hand in RJ’s hair.  Regardless of whose hand is where, it was a sweet little scene.  What can I say?  I’m easy because Baby Glenn and Baby Rick, ya’ll.  

Oh snap.  The windmill’s on fire and pieces of the wall are blowing down main street ASZ like steel tumbleweeds, lol.  

Anybody else having flashbacks to the barn from Season 5?  Good times.  We still had most of Team Family with us then.  They were in a bad place, hurting and lost and just trying to survive--when are they not just trying to survive?--but they were together.  I miss them.  

Carol and Lydia holding each other.  These two, lovelies, have my whole heart.  

Wells is Walker Jerky, Shaw.  Stop wasting your breath.  

“She did.  My enemy.”  I mean, are we supposed to get the impression Maggie’s been a formidable adversary to Pope?  Because she feels more like a roach that simply knows the best rocks to hide under.  Granted, roaches are hard to kill but still.  I’m gonna need them to give us something better than Maggie being Pope’s enemy simply because she didn’t want to give up her home without a fight because this is frankly unbelievable and bordering on stupid.  

Alright.  So they’ve obviously been sowing the seeds of distrust and defiance between Leah and Pope because she doesn’t like losing family but Daryl?  Man?  You and Leah have differing opinions about how family operates.  Trust me on this.  

So.  Three teams, huh?  Aaron fighting the windmill fire, Carol repairing the breach in the wall, Rosita protecting the babies that represent their future.  Choose your fighters, lol.  Seriously, though.  Why do I have the sinking feeling only one group is going to be shown actually doing their thing?  

Listen.  Am I pissed we haven’t gotten the scene we deserve yet between Carol and Connie after all that’s happened and we’re getting crumbs mainly because Angela wrongly feels the Reapers/Maggie & Negan/Daryl & Leah need more focus?  Absolutely.  You bet your sweet asses.  But Melissa fucking McBride just took the crumbs allotted her and made a magnificent, work of art cake out of it trying all on her lonesome to feed us starving Carol fans.  

Bless Connie wanting wanting to go with Carol.  What a show of trust and sister-like solidarity that must have some hate-rotted guts about to turn themselves out.  

I love Kelly and Connie’s sister bond.  No ill will intended, but It takes the good parts of Maggie and Beth and elevates it beyond anything those two ever showed us.  I really feel like that’s a testament to Angel and Lauren’s real life ease with each other.  

Magna choosing to go with Aaron makes me wonder if it’s possible she feels some kind of residual guilt over Connie.  Not guilt for anything she’s actually done, but simply guilt over making it out.  

Virgil volunteering to help.  Okay.  Damn.  I’m honestly starting to like the guy.  

Judith offering to go with her aunt Carol had me all up in my feels.  I mean, granted.  It was a blink and you miss it scene.  We really deserved a longer heart to heart between that little girl and the woman that’s sacrificed so much to keep her safe and loved her for so long, but you know I’ll gobble any and all Judith/Aunt Carol content up.  Seems to me, Little Ass Kicker is just as afraid of letting Aunt Carol out of her sight as Uncle Daryl.  My heart.  

Gracie and Aaron are sweet.  And honestly?  I find them more realistic and true to what normal parents and children would be like in a ZA than Judith and Michonne no matter how much I love that bond.  I mean no disrespect, but I really do.  

“Why am I keeping you around?”  Pope asking the question we’re all wondering.  

Not Apocalypse Popeye comparing Daryl to a stray dog.  Joe from the Claimers already declared Daryl an outside cat that thought he was an indoor cat.  I did have to internally cheer when Daryl was like “I’m ain’t gonna lick it” talking about the helping hand Pope had extended him.  

“Somehow she has turned the dead against the living.  Oh, that’s impressive.”  The thing about Pope respecting Maggie so much as an enemy is I just find it hard to buy, lol.  Like if this had been Carol, yeah.  But Maggie?  Nope.  They’ve mostly shown her (with Gage being the bewildering exception) to be all bark and no bite.  

Has the house in ASZ really become that dilapidated that they can see through its walls?  Because its original owners dodged a bullet if so.  

Look at Grace hero-worshipping Judith.  It’s sweet.  

Virgil telling Judith Michonne would be proud of her is nice but doesn’t feel as earned as if someone like Daryl or Carol that actually knew Michonne well said it.  But maybe that’s the whole point--Judith needs to hear it from someone she knows isn’t going to just say what she wants to hear.  

Call me jaded, it was a touching scene, but also?  It felt designed to allow Judith to move beyond her very normal and realistic feelings of being abandoned by Michonne, even though she gave her the “okay” herself.  Like she’s still a kid.  Wants don’t always line up with feelings.  Anyway.  Cailey continues to be a bright, shining little star and I love how she’s managed to make Judith a true amalgamation of all the people she’s loved who have loved her in return.  Not just Michonne.  I know people like to overlook and cheapen the fact, but it’s taken a village and entire family to raise her from infancy.  

Gracie really should have known better than play in front of the windows during a storm period, but oh well.  Plot point, lol.  

Seriously, though.  I feel like they’ve teased poor Gracie’s demise in a multitude of ways since the beginning of the season.  I hope nothing ultimately comes of it but I fear it will.  All I can say if the worst comes to happen is poor Aaron.  

Where are Negan and Elijah though?  Ouch.  There they are, taking on shrapnel for the cause.  

Ready the what now?  

There’s ASZ’s Baby Sitter Extraordinaire!  Barbara, is it?  That lady’s been putting in the work since Season 5 at least.  

I’ve honestly grown to love Rosita.  More of her and less of Maggie, please and thank you.  

“Let’s stay away from the windows.”  I’m sorry but I had to LMAO at that.  Still a badass moment though.  

Gabe hobbling toward his assigned sentinel.  At least they haven’t forgotten he’s injured like they seemed to forget Daryl was near death last season before the attack on Hilltop, lol.  

“It’s hard to watch something you care about change.”  Listen, Leah.  Chick.  You and Daryl obviously never really knew each other.  It’s always been obvious but I have a feeling “DIxon” is finally going to show you, spoilers or no spoilers.  

WTF are they calling that thing?  Sorry.  I have just as hard a time understanding Pope’s accent as I do Maggie’s sometimes.  

That’s not love that has Daryl telling Leah she can come with him.  That’s care for somebody he used to know.  There is a distinct difference that’s obviously lost on so many.  How can you really and truly love someone you cannot trust?  Especially in Daryl Dixon’s case?

Why does Angela hate us so much?  Giving us all these Reaper scenes and leaving us to simply imagine Carol and Connie and Kelly working side by side to save the wall?  

I think I honestly could have enjoyed this whole Reaper storyline more, at least a little bit anyway, had they not retrofitted a half-assed romance between Daryl and the story’s weakest link and if only they’d made it the B storyline and given earned deference to the goings-on in ASZ instead.  

I wonder if Glenn taught Maggie how to hot write a car?  I miss my baby Glenn.

Apocalypse Popeye is several fries short of a Happy Meal.  What else is new on this show, lol?  

I care for Maggie.  Mostly for nostalgia’s sake and Glenn and Baby Hershel but damn, man.  She’s not actually proven herself got be worth killing your entire “family” for.  But are too far gone, so.  We’ll make allowances.  

I will say at least this episode is not as abysmally biring as last week’s episode.  

Leah finally giving Pope the throat punch he’s been asking for but I’m not fooled she’s on Daryl’s side here.  She’s always been on her own side.  

Look at Father G returning the favor for Maggie saving him in the tower.  Taking Deaver down!  Poor Deaver barely saw the light of day.  

Here comes that woman scorned part.  I can feel it.  

“Pope is dead.  Dixon murdered him.  He’s with the enemy.”  

Please, Angela.  I’m begging you.  Bring Carol into this story and ramp it the fuck up.  You been idling too damn long and the car is fast running outta gas.  

Bitch really has to die to framing Carol’s Pookie.  

Rosita and Lydia and Carol and Connie and Kelly and Magna have literally been holding up this damn show while Angela farts around with the Reapers bullshit.  Honorable mention goes to Aaron but these lovely, badass ladies been putting in the real work and not getting any of the glory.  You just know they’re tired AF.  

Not my babies Lydia and Judith being the cliffhanger!  Oh and Gracie.  Angela?!  A word.  

Listen.  Carol’s already done that fireworks trick.  That Reaper dude owes her royalties.  Granted, it was on a smaller scale but much more impressive for it because she was left to be the sharpshooter.  

Angela has a point.  It is kind of cool how Team Family have learned from their enemies and assimilated their useful points into their own cache of knowledge.  

I truly feel like the Leah/Reaper storyline would have benefitted from a much stronger actress.  Just saying.  

I know Judith annoys some with her precociousness but Cailey just keeps teeing off on what they give her and personally?  I feel she’s so very talented and light years beyond her little acting counterparts so it still works.  

“They’re never gonna choose each other over the people that they’ve loved and fought for because they simply cannot really trust each other.  There’s sort of, like a toxicity at the base of that relationship.”  Straight from Angela’s mouth.  

“At the end of the day, Daryl chose his family.”  Yeah, he did.  That “I belong with you” shit only happened when he felt they were all gone, including the one he loved above all others--Carol.  Fight me.  

Overall impression of the episode?  

On its own, disregarding how much I can’t help resenting how much time I feel has been “wasted” setting this story up, it was much more entertaining than Episode 7 which was only epic in that it was an epic bore.  There was still too much focus on the Reapers when I just just kept wanting to see what was happening at ASZ.  I mean, they cheated us out of Carol and Connie and Kelly working together. Of Aaron and Magna.  Call it personal preference coloring my opinions if you want, but the characters I care about feel like they’ve been shown the backseat for this self-indulgent exploration of Angela’s OC and her version of self-insert FF with Daryl Dixon.  If we can return to Team Family?  The whole Team Family and not just Maggie and Co. against the world?  You’ve got me.  If not?  Well.  You’ll keep losing me by degrees and you don’t want to do that on the final season.  

Anyway.  The ASZ parts were my favorites per usual.  The episode could have used a lot more of those.  

[pixie88]

Revelations

Chapter 8 - Together - Adam & Ellie.

A/N: So I had no intentions on writing the next chapter so quickly but this little aussie rainbow lorikeet <(Hoping google out this right you only see these bird in Australia) messaged me with a song she thought would be great for A&E I love it. Check it out! I’d also like to thank her for being a spring board and letting me bounce ideas off her and giving me ideas! She also taught me a new Word Sassenach. So thank you @aussieez​ you are a star! This chapter reveals hidden secrets no one, not even I was expecting! I’m hoping google translation is correct with the Scots Gaelic. This chapter is a bit dark but also has some laughs let’s face it atm we all need to laugh. I hope you like it!

If you like it let me know or if you don’t still tell me why I won’t be offended!

I am only tagging those who have asked to be tagged in this new series from now on as I don't want to annoying people with tags. So Let me know if you would like to be tagged and if I missed anyone sorry just let me know!  

Find previous chapters HERE under Together - Adam & Ellie.

Song: Natalia Kills - Problem

Word count: 2086

WARNINGS: ⚠️ Fluffy fluff, Mild NSFW, Angst & adult language.

Pairings: Adam x Ellie.

Enjoy 😘

"Tom, what did you mean you had something to tell me?"

"El's, I'll tell you later this is your party! I don't want to steal your limelight!" he gives me a smug look and taps his nose.

"Tell me!" I protest.

"Fine, but keep it to yourself. Like I said, this is your day"

He holds out his left hand I look down and scream "OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!" the whole room turns to look at me.

"El's!!"

I pull him on for a hug "I'm so happy for you guys! I need details!"

He laughs, "Why don't you and Adam come back to the flat after this and I'll fill you in!"

"OK, also congratulations!" I'm beaming for him.

~*~*~*~

Later, at the flat "Congratulations to the both!" Adam reaches his glass.

"So, who purposed to whom? Justin, please tell me it was Tom!" I laugh.

"No, actually it was me. You know what he's like with all that gushy stuff Ellie"

"Oi! I can be romantic when I want to be!" Me and Justin laugh.

"So, how did you ask him?"

"Well, It was nowhere near like what you did for Ellie, but I took him to the restaurant where we had our first date, then got down on one knee" I start to get a bit emotional Adams arms come around me.

"Stupid hormones!" I brush away my tears.

Adam and Justin are talking about football, I leave them to it and grab a glass of water. "So, do you think you'd want to be my best woman?" Tom ask.

The biggest smile appears on my face "I'd be offended if you asked anyone else!"

He laughs, "El's there's something else I need to tell you," He looks worried.

"What's wrong?"

"That spat me and Justin had, it was...it was over something I done, something that happened 2 years ago now"

"What is it?"

"Justin thinks you have a right to know, to be honest with you and I think he's right. Jake, I...."

I cut him off, "Tom..."

"Just let me finish! After your Mum and I found out about your drinking I did something stupid in fact, more than stupid I..."

"Tom, I know exactly what you did"

He looks confused "El's?"

"Can we go for a walk?" I ask not wanting Justin to hear.

"Yeah," he takes the last of the milk out the fridge and pours it down the drain.

"Justin, El's wants a tea, but we are out of milk we're just going to pop to the shop"

"Oh, OK" he calls over his shoulder.

We make our way out the flat, it's dark now the street is quiet "El's, how did you know?"

I take a deep breath as we are walking "I got a call from the hospital saying Jake had been attacked, and he was in a bad way. The idiot still had me under his emergency contact but even after everything that happened, a part of me needed to know he was OK, so I went to see him. When I got there he had just come round, so they let me in, he told me what happened and how it was you that put him there. He was gloating telling me how he was going to tell the police you attacked him and how you would go to prison..."

"But he didn't?" he looks even more confused now.

"No, he didn't...."

"But why?!" his tone is demanding.

"Me and you have this sibling kinda bond right. If one of us gets knocked down the other starts throwing punches..."

"El's, what did you do?"

"So, do you remember that armed robber at that jewelers in the city centre nearly 3 years ago?"

"Yeah, of course it was all over the news. They still haven't caught the guys that done it"

"For my birthday that year Jake had got me this bracelet. A couple of months later I was at the hospital with Dad just reading the paper to him. They had printed pictures of everything that was stolen. As soon as I saw it, I felt sick there in this newspaper was a picture of this bracelet he had got me for my birthday. I never confronted him about it because of Dad, I need to focus all my energy on him. So, at the hospital that day when he told me he was going to tell the police who attacked him, I told him if you were to go down for this, I would make sure he went down for a lot longer for armed robbery as I knew exactly where the bracelet had come from and I still had it"

"El's, Fuck! You know if you are ever caught with it you would go down to right"

"That's the thing I don't have it, not anymore. I told Mum everything she got rid of it!"

"How?!"

"You know those new luxury apartments in the city centre 2 streets away from Mums club?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's just say the foundations of that building are worth a lot of money" 

"Does Adam know?"

"He does. I told him last year when he asks for us to move in together"

"El's, he could lose everything if it ever gets out!"

"I said that to him that before I told him about it. He didn't care he just didn't want secrets between us but he's convinced it won't come out. Well, at least not in our lifetime"

"El's why didn't you tell me?"

I laugh, "The same reason you didn't tell me. I was protecting you, the less people that knew the better”

"I guess we're both as bad as each other"

"I guess! Come on we better get this milk! Are you going to tell Justin?"

"To be honest with you I don't know, El's"

~*~*~*~

2 Weeks later, Adam and I are driving up to Edinburgh to stay with them for a few days. Natalia Kills - Problem is playing on the radio "What do think of the new car?"

I huff and roll my eyes, "It's nice I suppose, but it's not Bella!"

He takes my hand in his, "It's red like Bella, but more child friendly"

"I guess!" I say with a huff.

"Why don't we name it?"

I laugh, "What?"

"Why don't we give her a name? Maybe your fall in love with her if we name her!" he kisses my hand.

"I'm trying to keep to my eyes on the road"

"I'm sure your Mum will look after Bella. Plus, don't you like being up high?"

"OK, I like it! The gadgets make it worth giving up Bella"

I can see him smirking at the corner of my eye, "So, what are we calling her?"

"Rose?...God, Adam, I need a wee!"

"Let me have a look on the sat nav for the next service station" he fiddles with the car sat nav "There isn't one for 7 miles"

"Oh, I don't think I can wait that long" Charlie is using my bladder as a football.

"Pull over on the hard shoulder," I look at him to see if he's joking.

"You want me to wee on the side of the motorway?"

"Ellie, it will be fine. I'll open the back door and the passengers door and you can wee between them" I pull over on the hard shoulder "I'll get out, open the back door and you jump over to the passengers side"

I crawl over "I just realize we have nothing to wipe with"

Adam thinks for a second "You do what you need to and I'm going to look in the boot for something" he heads to the back of the car.

I squat down a little and pull down my jeans and underwear "Have you gone yet?"

"Nope! What if a lorry drives pass and sees me?!"

I hear him chuckle "I'm sure they're aren't looking. Ellie, I got a couple of pairs of new socks here. You can use a pair then I'll chuck them"

"You want me to used socks to wipe? Good job I don't need a poo! You might lose a t-shirt!" I laugh.

I hear him howl with laughter "They're new ones"

"OK pass me them" He wanders over and hands me the socks.

He takes over from driving and it's not long before we pull up to Nina and Al's drive. Nina runs over to the car as we get out "Ellie!!!" She wraps me up tight.

"Hi, Nina! I....I can't breath" I wave to Al who's coming down the path.

"Hi Mum! Your son is right here!" Adam says sarcastically.

"Hi Adam, You and Dad get the bags while I'll make Ellie a tea" as we walk inside I look over my shoulder to Adam and stick my tongue out at him he smirks and shook his head.

~*~*~*~

They have booked a table at a pub 20 minutes drive away. We are less than a few minutes away "So, new car? Do you like it?" Al asks.

"Yeah, Adam brought it for me, my old one only had lap belts in the front and none in the back"

"I like the screen you can see behind you when you reserve! Al can we get one?"

He runs his hands down his face "We just got a new car Nina!"

She huffs "A year ago!"

I laugh, "Looks like we are here!" (Saved by the bell there, Al!)

Adam and I head to the bar for drinks  "Adam, how do you say can I have a 2 pints of Peroni and 2 orange juices please in Scots Gaelic?"

"So repeat after me A bheil thu nad fhìor Albannach fon fhèileadh sin?"

"A bheil thu nad fhìor Albannach fon fhèileadh sin?"

The barman comes over to us "A bheil thu nad fhìor Albannach fon fhèileadh sin?" he smiles then goes to lift his kilt.

"Whoa!!!! What are you doing?!" I screech.

Adam cracks and starts laughing "Adam, What did you make me say?"

"Ellie, you said are you a real scotsman under that kilt? Sorry she's sassenach" he apologies to the Barman.

I shove him, the barman laugh "Let me teach you a very English word! You are a twat!"

He pulls me towards him "I'm only messing beautiful! Can we get 2 pints of Peroni and 2 orange juices please" he asks.

"Do you forgive me!"

"No! And you can bring the drinks over by yourself!" I huff and head back to the table.

A couple of minutes later he comes over with a tray "And for my beautiful wife, I'm sorry!" He puts down 2 pint glasses full of ice on the table.

I break into a smile "Am I forgiven now?"

I roll my eyes at him "Fine, but you're still a twat!"

He lifts my chin and smirks before placing a soft kiss against my lips "But I'm your twat!"

"I'm going to get you back by the way!"

He chuckles "Bring it on, beautiful"

~*~*~*~

The next day I know exactly how to get my revenge. Adam wanders into the bedroom after a shower. I'm purposely standing in front of the mirror in some lacy underwear.

"Fuck!" I hear him mutter under his breath as his footsteps get closer. Soon he's behind me admiring my reflection, his chest is pressed against my back, I can feel his hard shaft against the curve of my arse.

"You look stunning! You amaze me! How you can make being pregnant look so sexy!" His hand comes round to cup my breast, as his lips begin to feather along my neck. His other hand trails over my bump and is just about to slip into my underwear.

I pull away and move to where our suitcases are "I better get dressed. I need to meet your mum downstairs in 5 minutes"

"What? I thought.."

I smirk "You also thought I was a good idea to prank me yesterday. Well, Adam revenge is a dish best served..." I look down at him hard member "Hard!" I wink as I'm getting dressed "And you have the whole day to think about me wearing this under my clothes. While your mum and I are heading out to get our nails done. Bye"

I make my way to to the door "Oh and Adam! You might want to do something about that! Maybe a cold shower!" I wink as I leave him in our room.

Continue reading this story here - Chapter 9.

@lem-20​ @aussieez​ @khoicesbyk​ @shewillreadyou​ @txemrn​ @irisofpurple​

[mantis-in-the-dirt]

alright then, boys. i have quite a few thoughts and questions to consider about the inbetween and generally karl’s lore from today- i won’t be adding thoughts about the actual tales (the pit), although i might make a post about that later. just be warned, this might be kinda long-ish! i will probably expand on details within these posts later. it’s probably a bit ramble-y, but i,, cannot collect my thoughts better lmao. also, spoilers from the most recent tftsmp, in case that wasn’t clear. 

(also, forgive me if there’s any bad grammar, i’m pretty tired.)

unless i refer to them as cc!, i am talking about the character!

tw for mentions of manipulation, mentions of blood, mentions of the prison.

this is set up like a list, mostly because i will absolutely fail to keep my points in check if i don’t do it this way.

1. let’s start where Karl does- in spawn. he spawns in the inbetween, and based on what we’ve seen, his respawn point does seem to be set within the inbetween. my thoughts on this aren’t super specific, and they tangle a bit with minecraft mechanics, so. if his respawn point is set in the inbetween, that means, with Minecraft logic, he will come back right inside of the inbetween next time he leaves his time travel. what i am assuming is the inbetween is put in the/a world’s overworld, while the other side is through the nether, which means that the set spawn is naturally in the inbetween. unless Karl has a respawn anchor within the inbetween, he is naturally going to spawn there if whatever marks his respawn is destroyed. but other than that- he hasn’t set a spawn point of any kind within the other side, so technically, by Minecraft laws, he should be respawning within the inbetween. this doesn’t necessarily mean anything- for story purposes, it’s likely he’s just in the other side anyways, but it’s interesting to think about.

2. another quite glaring point from tonight’s stream. the inbetween’s threats to force karl to stay. this implies that it somehow has a way to stop him from leaving, which could involve many things. we don’t know the logic of how he joins and leaves the inbetween after he travels, and therefore we don’t know where he is. is the inbetween a separate physical plane? is it in his mind? if it’s in his mind, how would he be restrained? if it’s physical, where is it in relation the the rest of the smp? also, keep in mind this strange physical-mental-no info plane kinda idea. it’ll come up in another point soon.

3. whoo boy, this one. probably the one i’m questioning the most, if i’m being honest. one of the things we have the least answers on.. who the fuck is the inbetween? is it the castle itself, some kind of sentient being who has control and can grow itself? is there someone or something controlling the castle, making it place those books or placing the books themselves? is this force necessarily malevolent? it’s obviously not all powerful, because whoever was working to get karl out had spots that the entity couldn’t see before, and karl managed to get messages. it refers to itself as person, it refers to itself by calling itself ‘i’, implying it is some kind of sentient entity, so what and who is it?

4. i do not think either place is benevolent. neither of them seem even close to truly friendly, and both of them give big red flags in every way they talk. the inbetween is more obvious, because we have quite a bit more info on it. it’s used manipulative techniques, it’s tried to force karl into doing things and to stay. the other side hasn’t done anything specific enough to garner direct dislike, but for multiple reasons, i don’t trust it. this may be a personal opinion, but i think greeting karl like he’s familiar is strange. it said welcome home, which implies a few things (that he’s been there before, that it knows him, that it is somehow familiar with him) that we haven’t learned enough about to properly analyze. i still find it weird, however. (this is less of a concise point and more of a kind of guess/theory.)

5. this is something i said in my last short little post on the tales, but i noticed it once again within this tales, especially with a fewer specific lines. the inbetween continues to use extremely similar and the same methods of manipulation as our green smiley man himself does, which may or may not be important, but i find worth noting. 

6. there was blood in the supposedly secret room. it was a ‘surprise,’ phrased like it was supposed to be some kind of happy thing. first off, there was blood with the sign “don’t stray from the path :]” which is undeniably creepy. of all the ways you could’ve sent a message, that’s horrifying. secondly, this is one of the first (the first, possibly?) physical threats of violence within the inbetween, and we’ve observed quite often in this fandom the difference between physical and mental attacks. last, where did the blood come from? we’ve seen no physical bodies other than karl himself and the many copies of him. did something hurt the karl copies? if not, whose blood is it, and how is there so much of it all over the room?

7. this is likely a complete coincidence, or even if it isn’t it won’t matter to lore, but the blocks that we’ve seen of the other side are mostly the same as the prison. there’s a lot of blackstone and possible obsidian and such.

8. the inbetween and the other side seem almost inverse of each other. each different part of them that we are able to compare so far seems to be exactly opposite from each other. from the obvious things- the color schemes, the flowers- to the less obvious details- the way they speak to karl. the build of the other side so far seems to be foreboding and creepy, kinda strange and unusual type of build. the build of the inbetween looks peaceful and calm, very gentle and pretty. it’s obviously purposeful, and i think there are some connections with the nether (the other side) vs. the overworld (the inbetween.) 

9. there are still the karl’s wandering around all over the inbetween, and we got more information on them today. they are versions of karl who have ‘lost themselves’ and become stuck here, cursed to wander the halls of the castle together. this is a very, very interesting idea. first off, let me be clear. time travel is a tricky thing, and depending on the world and the lore of how cc!karl has decided he wants to do it. logically, these copies of karl cannot be from the past, because if they are stuck, then karl himself would be stuck, and none of the rest of the copies would be there. this then implies that either versions of himself from the future have come back and gotten stuck, and/or that there is some form of alternate reality talk coming into play here. also, to go back into the previous point, are there going to be any kind of flip-side karl’s in the other side, or are there going to be no entities at all?

10. who is warning karl out of the inbetween? the inbetween has shown us no people other than karl and his copies, but someone or something is putting the books there to warn him, and something obviously seems to know that the inbetween isn’t right. however, is this force actually trying to be helpful? is it trying to warn him away from the inbetween because they want to help him away from malevolent places, or do they just want him to come to the other side? is there some force within the castle that holds enough power to put out books with differing opinions to the inbetween’s books, or is someone manually setting out these stories?

11. where is the inbetween, and how does karl get there? we haven’t been given specific information on how karl arrives or leaves the inbetween, or where the inbetween is. is it an entire other dimension? is it within karl’s mind, or is it in a physical plane? what does it mean that karl has gone into another dimension in wherever he is? will this cause difficulties in leaving or coming back to this area in general? adding onto this with a small idea, we have been given the ‘other side’ and the ‘inbetween.’ does this imply that there is a third side, and if so, what is it? is it something we already know, like the dreamsmp, or is it a completely new world?

12. i do not think the other side is a good thing. i do not think it is going to turn out well for karl. however, it currently seems to be the better place for karl to be. it seems to be the ‘good’ out of the two, just from what we’ve seen. despite this, it seems to fight all these common stereotypes of being ‘good.’ it’s dark and scary and seems very dreary. does this or will this reflect on the dream smp itself? does it mirror anything that the dreamsmp does with stereotypes or characters?

alright then, that’s it! if you made it to the end, i hope you agreed with a couple of these points, and i hope a couple of these questions are ones other people are having as well.

sorry for the ramble essay lmao 

[hoewkeyesblue]

Drown

requested by: anon

“HI!!! Can i request an imagine where the reader is dating john and she takes a bullet for one of his brothers. She lives but it’s all dramatic and angsty?”

pairing: john shelby x reader

summary: you couldn’t stand the thought of losing john, so you took the bullets that were meant for him. john’s point of view.

word count: 1.6K

warnings: angst, panic attacks, alcohol, violence, drugs.

author’s note: wow! what a wonderful ride. it’s not exactly what you wanted, but I hope you can enjoy it. I did. don’t forget english isn’t my first language and be nice.

Day 0

You’re on the floor.

I'm unable to think straight; all I see is you and your blood, everything else is a blur. I can't hear shit, just a weird sound like I am underwater. It feels like I'm completely high.

I know I got shot too, I can feel the pain in my shoulder and leg, but I can't push myself to think about it. All the blood I see is yours.

Just yours.

I fall on my knees, touching your face. “Why would you do that?”, I ask.

Your eyes are still open and you're smiling to me. Fucking smiling. It would be a wonderful view if there wasn't blood running out of your mouth.

I'm panicking. I look around to see Michael bleeding as well. My heart aches, and, for a second, I feel like I'll suffocate; my hands are cold and I'm shaking.

I'm alone. What am I supposed to do?

And why I can't breathe?

“I won't let you die”, I close my eyes, trying to think before standing up and running inside. My legs are trembling and I know that I won't be awake for too long now.

I grab the phone, Tommy will know what to do. He answers quickly.

“We’ve been shot. Y/N and Michael are fucking dying.”

And everything goes dark.

Day 1

The walls are white.

Tommy’s face is the first thing I see.

“Where am I?”, is the only thing I can think about, and say. It's kinda hard to see, it feels like my eyes weight a thousand pounds.

“You're in the hospital, John”, Arthur speaks and only now I notice him, standing next to the door.

Hospital? What the fuck am I doing in a fucking hospital?

And where are you?

No.

No, no, no, no.

“Where’s she?”, my voice cracks. “Fuck, where is she?”

Tommy and Arthur don’t say shit.

Fuck this; if they won’t tell me, I’ll find out. Standing up and ripping those stuff off my body, I feel my shoulder burning, “Shit.”

“John...”

Whatever he is saying, I don't stay to listen. I'm running in the hospital hallways with my two brothers running after me, but I need to find you. I need to.

Someone grabs my arm and then Polly’s in front of me, worried sick as well. Finally, someone who'll actually talk to me.

“They're here”, she mumbles.

“Polly... not now”, Arthur interrupts.

“He needs to know!”, she yells. Some people are staring at us, but I don't give a fuck.

My hands are shaking again.

“Know... what?”

Polly says nothing, just starts walking and I go after her. There's a room at the end of the hallway and, as I come closer, I can see your hair in the mattress.

I feel like throwing up.

No.

I can't see that, “Is she...?”

“No.”

Relief. The weigh I felt on my shoulders are not so heavy anymore. You're not dead, that's enough for now.

I walk closer and touch your face; feeling your skin is wonderful. Even better than before, I understand the value of that now.

“You scared the hell outta me, darling”, I press my forehead against yours. My hand is still on your cheek, caressing it softly. “Don't ever do that again, please.”

“John”, Arthur speaks in a nervous tone. “Doctors said that they’ll try, but she probably won't make it. I'm sorry.”

I close my eyes, my forehead still pressed against yours, and mutter, “The hell you just said?”

Silence.

I turn to face my brother and approach him. My heart is beating like crazy, my hands feel cold and my head is now pounding painfully.

“You're sorry? You're sorry for what? Is she dead yet? Is she fucking dead?”, I yell in his face, my voice cracks again.

I didn't like his tone, he spoke like it was a lost cause.

You're alive, you aren't going to die. I won't let you.

I can't breathe.

Again, I can't breathe.

“I can't... breathe.”

My hands are now in my chest as I try to feel a little less suffocated. My heart... I can feel every beat. I can hear every beat.

Polly says something, I know she did because I saw her lips moving. I just can't figure out what was it.

Day 2

“I'm sorry I blacked out yesterday, I should've stayed here with you the whole day”, I whisper, kissing your hand. “Polly said I had a panic attack, thought that kind of thing was bullshit.”

You don't answer, obviously. I already miss hearing your voice.

“Look what you did to me, darling.”

Day 6

Michael woke up and you just... won't.

The two bullets wounds I got are now healing and I'm perfectly fine. At least, physically.

Why don't you wake up?

I killed two men this week. They chased me on the streets and I put a bullet into their heads. It felt so good, baby. I said your name, I screamed your name.

Did those bastards really think they could hurt you? They were wrong. They are wrong; I'll kill one by one, I promise you.

I don't sleep anymore. Not since day 2.

I work the whole day and come to stay with you when the night begins. I would stay by your side 24/7 if I could, but I need to kill those Italians. I know you understand me.

“How are you feeling today, my love?”, I ask you, touching your lips with my fingers. You're so cold now, it scares me.

“Mr. Shelby”, it's the nurse by the door. “I'm afraid drinking isn’t allowed in the hospital.”

Oh, right. I'm drinking right now; I drink as I breathe. There's a bottle of whiskey in my hands, I take a sip when I feel like it.

Don't you worry, please. It's just a way to get closer to you; when I'm feeling dizzy, I can feel your lips against mine.

“I'm sorry, do I look like I care about the hospital’s rules? Get out.”

Day 9

I'm drowning.

There's snow in the tip of my nose, there's snow on the table beside your bed. I know you hate when I snort, but I need to stay awake.

I need to look after you.

Day 11

The doctor said I should give up and let you go. The damage is done, there nothing they can do to heal you.

Fucking nothing.

I'm shattered.

I don't cry, you know I don't, but I'm screaming in pain with my face pressed against the pillow.

You can't leave me, my love.

I won't let you leave me.

I'll wait until you wake up, I won't give up on you. I told that doctor to fuck off and said that I'd cut his balls off if he doesn't try harder.

He’ll try harder and you'll heal. I know you will.

Because I don't know what I'll do if you don't.

Day 12

“John?”, it’s Arthur’s voice, but where is it coming from?

Looking around the street, I try to find my brother. Someone grabs my shoulder and that scares the hell outta me, the next thing I know is that I'm pointing a gun at Arthur’s face.

“It’s me, John! Geez!”, he curses. “Are you drunk? It's 8 am, brother, what’s happening?”

Day 17

Your skin feels so cold.

Your lips are pale now and it's killing me; I feel like I'm watching you die, day by day.

Your life is escaping your body and I am watching every step of it.

“Tommy won't let me work, I'm so fucking mad at him. All I wanna do is blow the brains of that Italian bastard out and he won't let me”, I complain -- I know I'm complaining a lot these days, I'm sorry.

But you're not speaking to me; you're not here to tell me to stop worrying.

Day 24

Polly said I smelled like shit, so I went home to take a shower.

I don't you to be uncomfortable around me when you wake up, so I'm using my best perfume now.

Doctors said you won't wake up, so I discovered where they lived and shot their windows. Now they're scared and now they won't let you die.

Everything’s gonna be alright.

Day 31

The last time I spoke to you was a month ago.

The last time you touched me as well.

Maybe I have to accept that you are, actually, dying. Maybe already dead.

I should let you go.

Day 45

I'm in the hospital, but not with you.

I drank so much I passed out for an entire day; Ada thought I was dead.

I wish I was.

I can't stop thinking about all the times I let you down in different ways, all the times I screamed at you or cheated on you. I was a piece of shit, the worst husband you could ever have.

You were the best.

I remember the first time I realized I loved you, it's clear like water now. It was 4 am and I knocked on your door, covered in blood.

You invited me in and bathed me, took care of me, and hugged me tight until I fell asleep. It became the best night of my life.

And, after we married, you were still wonderful. Every day and every night.

The love of my life.

Oh, God, I really wish I was dead when Ada found me.

Day 49

I'm going crazy.

I could swear you opened your eyes.

If it wasn't impossible, I'd say you're looking at me with your beautiful eyes.

Am I going crazy?

“John?”

Fuck, it's your voice.

“John, what happened?”

You're alive.

———

blinders taglist

@haphazardhufflepuff​

[bittervitter]

ang0mang0′s “copycat” claims

I didn’t want to have to make another post about this, but since people on sonicfan799 / thatAnge / @ang0mang0′s Tumblr profile are getting riled up about this ridiculous drama that should have died ages ago, I figured I’d defend myself. Some people who are trying to support me have been saying incorrect things too, so I also wanted to clear that up. This crap has been going on for months, everyone is sick of it by now. Instead of being brief like I did for other social medias, I’ll be as detailed as possible this time.

[1] “she’s copying/imitating/heavily referencing from my art style!!!”

Like people have said a million times, no I’m not. And nor is anyone else. Just because someone draws the Sonic characters in a similar style to you does not automatically mean they took, copied or “stole” those ideas from you. You don’t own the concept of buff, fluffy bodies or chubby muzzles. COINCIDENCE, as much as you hopelessly deny it, is very much a possible thing- even in crazy situations such as this. There are several other artists who have similar art styles by mere coincidence. IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE. As examples, these Instagram artists have similar styles: @ azulytoons and @ indigonite0 / @ magenta_mel and @ zer0finix / @ himemikal and @ natirix. NONE of these artists are “stealing” or referencing from each other- they just have similar art styles, and that is perfectly okay! They draw completely different things with completely different mindsets. The world does not revolve around you, ang0. Not everyone knows who you are, so some people who use the same traits that we do don’t even know we exist.

Also, to anyone unaware, an art STYLE is not merely how one chooses to portray a character. An art STYLE is also what brushes you use, how you sketch, how you line, how you colour, how you shade, how you choose to portray certain objects or ideas- basically your entire fucking understanding of how something’s supposed to look and how you LIKE it to look. It’s not just “chubby faces, poofy curly hair, buff bodies”. It’s everything in a piece AND that.

[2] “she’s tracing my art/ redrawing my ideas!”

Literally no. People have constantly asked you to provide evidence and you refused to. All you did was scream “but it’s so obvious, just look at it!” or “are you dumb? use your eyes!” and several other insults. If you want to prove a point or make someone see something, GIVE. EVIDENCE. The only person who actually provided “proof” was pin_kpeach, your ever so loyal whiteknight, but her “proof” only backfired and proved that the both of you are extremely delusional. In the drawings of ours that she layered over each other, next to NONE of the lines lined up. It looked like a clustered mess of scrap, and the reason for that is because IT WASN’T TRACED. In the one or two drawings where ONE. SINGLE. PIECE. actually lined up was entirely zoomed in to make it seem as though the whole thing was traced. No, honey, that’s not how you provide proof. That’s how you pull a muscle by reaching so desperately to lie about me. The rest of the drawings in those pictures didn’t line up at all, and one- or I believe both- needed to be titled to line them up in the first place. You could say that some people trace things and resize or rotate them, but if I were as dumb as you persist to say, then I wouldn’t have done something like that. Either way, one aspect of a drawing lining up is a common thing for people who have similar styles because- well, I just said it. THEY HAVE SIMILAR STYLES. If they draw something the same way, well fucking duh, it’ll match someone else’s drawing almost exactly sometimes.

[3] “she’s too petty and too much of a liar to credit me! saying the art isn’t hers will hurt her oversized ego!”

Ahaha no. The only one here with an inflated ego is you, ang0. You call me the egotistical one yet you act as though your life is falling apart just because someone else draws like you on the internet. Stop acting like a special snowflake, you are not the only one on this planet with an art style of that nature. I don’t credit you because crediting you makes no damn sense. Why should I credit someone who’s had absolutely no impact on my work whatsoever? What in the hell did you do for my drawings that makes you deserve so much credit? Did you sketch it? No. Did you line it? Nope. Did you colour or shade it? Not a chance. Just because I came up with a design for the characters that happens to look like yours does not mean I owe you jack shit. You cannot. own. a style. Get over it.

[4] “she worsened my depression and is the reason I can’t draw anymore! I have no motivation when there’s some idiot copycat stealing all my art!”

I don’t want to sound like that kind of person, but you worsened your own depression. You painted this false picture in your head and continue to hang onto that belief like your life depends on it. I haven’t done ANYthing to you. You came to ME with these stupid claims back when my art looked LESS like yours, before I even knew who you were. You’re making yourself feel horrible because you, for some paranormal reason, refuse to believe that you’re not the only one with that kind of style. This is why people call you childish, you’re like a whiny baby that can’t accept another child having a toy similar to yours. I can’t even decide whether I should say “grow up” because you’re older than me- not to mention you’re an ADULT.

[5]”she constantly sends her whiteknights to attack me, harass me and send me threatening messages!”

I’ve said several times to my followers NOT to harass you or your followers or anyone against me in this mess at all. I do not send anyone after you. People say things to you out of their own free will and with their own words. I can’t magically know when this happens, why they decide to and I especially can’t control anyone. I’m sorry that my friend Koro sent you all those DMs and horrible messages wishing a lot of very bad things onto you and your family- I asked her several times before and after not to do that, but I didn’t have a clue she did it until after the fact. Either way, don’t go around assuming that I put people up to this or I intentionally ask people to do these things to you. Why in the hell would I do that? What good does that do? All I wanted to do was talk things out but at this point, you don’t even take me seriously, so I can’t even try anymore. The few times we did talk you refuse to see my point of view and just see me as a liar. What the hell am I supposed to do then?

[6]”all vio does is lie, she’s so fake all the time, lying for her petty ego”

I’m not even sure how to respond to this but I thought I might as well bring it up. No matter what I do or say, ang0 sees me as nothing but some retarded liar that can’t help but lie their way around everything, even though I’ve been nothing but genuine all this time. It’s why I can’t even communicate with her anymore, because “shut up, stop lying you copycat” is all I get in response basically.

[7] her insane hypocrisy

Ange and pin_kpeach have said numerous times that I’m rude or insult her, and there have been times where I’ve been mean out of anger, but I know for a fact I apologized for it in DMs. Ange apologized too. I don’t remember ever insulting her after that, but ang0 doesn’t ever stop ridiculing and insulting me with almost every comment she makes on the drama. If she really was sorry, she wouldn’t have done it again, but I guess she said “fuck it” and just continued anyway. Pin_kpeach likes to say I’M the hypocrite for saying Ange is harassing me yet being rude to her a couple times, yet they do they exact same thing, but even worse?? I try my best to be as civil as possible, but ang0 and pink don’t waste a second calling me and my supporters all sorts of colourful names just because they don’t agree with her claims. In fact, here’s a list of every single thing ang0’s ever called me:

retarded, retard, stupid, idiot, dumb, low IQ, mentally ill, crazy, talentless, skill-less, copycat, art thief, (dumb) cow, fuckhole, asshole, bitch, wanna-be artist, unreasonable, clown, fake, liar, hypocrite, delusional, dick, stalker, bittershitter, dumbass, immature

There’s probably more than that, but that’s as much as I can remember. Not hard to forget when she repeats them almost all the time.

[8] gatekeeping ideas

Ange and pink act as if two people drawing a character in the same outfit automatically equals “du bist kopying mein style!!”. I can’t even begin to imagine the mental gymnastics you need to do in order to believe a thought process like that is logical. She thinks that anyone who draws Amy in a dress with a white under-skirt or white ruffles underneath is nothing but a copied idea from her. She thinks that me drawing Amy in a green tank top, blue backwards cap and blue sports shorts is copying her drawing of Amy in a green unidentifiable top (you could only see her back, she didn’t seem to have straps) and blue sports shorts with a slightly different design is automatically copied from her. The poses, shading, angle and idea behind the drawing were COMPLETELY different- but nonono, “this is stolen because the outfit is the same!” They also use the excuse of the whole chubby faces, curly hair, blah blah blah- see point [1] as to why that’s BS.

[9] her perception of my followers/supporters

Aside from Koro, I don’t know if anyone has seriously threatened or harassed her. Her followers comment on my posts, my followers only comment when she brings up the drama or whines about it. She insults my supporters when they don’t agree with her and act like they’re a bunch of immature brats who are wrong while she’s the high and mighty mature one seeing through non-existent lies. I’m used to her making fun of me, but I’m sick and tired of her insulting people who have nothing to do with the drama just because they don’t agree with her. Like, seriously? You call everyone immature and stupid yet you’re the one insulting people non-stop just because they realize how ridiculous and childish you’re acting. That’s why “childish” has become a popular adjective for you, ang0. BECAUSE YOU’RE BEING CHILDISH. CONSTANTLY. You get pissy, insult others and put people down but whine and cry the next minute because you constantly like to play the victim. Speaking of which...

[10] the victim card

I have absolutely no idea what ang0 goes through in real life, but there is no excuse for how she’s behaved during this drama AT ALL. Ange constantly defames her own artwork, calling it shit, calling it every bad name in the book, but doesn’t hesitate for a minute to gatekeep her style as if it was the best thing in the world. She says it’s because she “worked her ass off” and doesn’t want people just stealing her hard work. Okay, but you do realize that other people put just as much work into their own art, no matter if it looks like yours or not, right? She demands that people change their style to stop looking like hers, acting as if that can be done in a matter of minutes, because people having similar styles makes her uncomfortable. Well, surprise motherfucker- welcome to the internet. No one is original and everyone is original at the same time. People are bound to come up with similar ideas and you’re just going to have to deal with it. But despite the similarities, people are still original in their own right. If you believe that people can change a style so easily, why not just change your OWN style? Because you worked your ass off? Well, THEY WORKED THEIR ASS OFF TOO. So don’t act like you’re the only one who’s put effort into their craft. Art is hard, and that applies to EVERYONE- even professionals.

You blame me and other “copycats” for all your problems, blaming us for worsening your depression, ruining your passion for art- when you’re the only one who does this to yourself. Yes, there have been genuine art thieves in your life, and people who have stolen your art- but what I’m talking about are the people like me who DON’T steal your art or are merely inspired by you. People who say “you should be happy they’re inspired!” aren’t saying “you should be happy they’re copying!”. They’re saying that you should be glad that your work is so inspiring that people create their own unique ideas based off your own. Inspiration doesn’t require credit unless they’re purposefully taking a massive part of the original. But being inspired by a hair style or even a pose isn’t stealing. It’s inspiration, that’s it. I’m not inspired by you at all, but I can at least appreciate your art- even if you think I’m just being fake.

[11] ang0mang0′s history and why this shit doesn’t even make sense

Ange has said publicly and to me in detail about how she’s been accused of the same “art style theft” in the past. From what I’ve gathered or heard, people used to accuse her of copying a popular artist called myly14 who’s Sonic art is pretty much everywhere. Whether it be in edits, MVs or whatever else.  Looking at her old art when she went under the name sonicfan799, her art does look similar to myly’s, but ang0 insisted that she didn’t copy myly and didn’t even know who she was. She legit said “it’s not my fault my art looks like someone else’s”, so basically- it was coincidence. She said she changed her art style because she “isn’t an asshole and didn’t want to make the other artist uncomfortable”, even though art style theft isn’t a thing and no one needs to be forced out of a style just because someone else already draws that way. I have no idea what myly’s stance on that situation was, but the fact that it happened just proves how stupid her current claims are.

Ange says that her style is “too complex” to be coincidentally similar to someone else’s, even though the fact that it’s happened 30 times (according to her) just proves that no, ang0, no it fucking isn’t. Your style isn’t complicated at all. Detailed sure, but no style is too complicated to be similar to another’s. Being complex doesn’t make something any less likely to be identical to another complex style.If you didn’t copy myly14 in the past, what right do you have to accuse me of the same damn thing? If I really am copying you, then you have to admit to copying myly, because you can’t just lie about your past and then shit on me for doing the same thing. So it’s either you stop this nonsense or you drag this drama down with you to your grave and admit you copied myly14.

Another thing, myly14 didn’t even have a “simple” style. The fact that her art was almost instantly recognizable and popular meant that she had a signature style that stood out. Yes, she used a lot of the original Sonic style’s anatomy, but her stylization of said anatomy, her shading and the way she composed her pieces gave her a signature style. The most stylized thing I could see was how she drew muzzles, and guess who drew muzzles in a similar way as well? You did. People saw how your way of drawing faces and some parts of the body and thought it looked liked myly’s. The similarities in your anatomy, and not your shading or colouring, was what made people think you copied her. That exact same thing is happening between me and you. My shading, colouring and composition is entirely different from yours, but some parts of the anatomy are similar.

If you really didn’t copy myly14, you have absolutely no. fucking. excuse. to accuse me of the EXACT. SAME. SHIT. that happened to you.

You never needed or deserved to be pressured out of your old style just because people thought it looked similar to someone else’s, and that’s why I refuse to change my style now. Because it isn’t. fucking. fair. To ANYONE.

[12] how I feel (this is copied over from my DeviantART)

At this point I've grown used to what she has to say, but it still hurts. She thinks that I'm some kind of cartoon villain maniacally laughing behind a computer screen every time I post something because she's so deep into her belief that I really copy everything she draws and that nothing I've never posted has any true effort put into it. She genuinely believes she owns all my art and that I devote my entire gallery into recreating her image or some crazy shit like that. It sounds really dumb, but from what I've read from her poorly constructed comments and rants, that's basically what she believes.

She thinks I don't care at all about how all this affects her or anyone at all, but I do. It doesn't just hurt me in the sense that she makes me feel awful with all her insults, but I just feel so bad for her. I feel guilty in the sense that I couldn't do anything at all to help her, not that "shes prolly feeling guilty and made that april fools joke to let out some guilt!!". (If you don’t know, on April Fools Day, I changed my Instagram bio to say “clown” and call myself “the ultimate copycat” as a joke.) That was a really stupid reaction from her by the way... who the hell comes up with that? Now that she's going away for a month, I feel even worse because all I wanted to do was try to make her come to her senses and end this mess. I thought I could talk some sense into her- that didn't work. Her delusions are so strong, she's like a brick wall. I thought I could ignore the drama- that didn't work. She "clowns" and talks about it so annoyingly often. Not to mention people do things on their own to stir shit up. I thought I could support her regardless and maybe try making her feel better about her art- that didn't work. She thinks I'm fake and that everything I say is a lie. Because of me, she probably doesn't believe other people too- and that makes me feel even more terrible.

No matter what I do, I'm automatically the villain and she's the tortured, helpless artist that everyone is against because "everyone is dumb, supporting a copycat" and she's just "used to it, because she's dealt with so much shit already!". It's so ridiculous. If she would just try to actually better herself or the situation, she wouldn't feel so horrible all the time. Like... for god's sake, she relied on a video game to make her happy- that's not healthy, and just like I suspected, it didn't fucking work.

more of how I feel

Because of ang0, I just feel like garbage. My self esteem and confidence in my art was already low. Thanks to her, I don’t feel original (or as original) anymore- and I’m afraid to show many of my new or old ideas because she or her whiteknight pin_kpeach may spring out and say “copycat! stolen! you’re not original!” and a plethora of other insults. I can barely sketch or draw Sonic content without panicking and feeling worthless because all I have is her words and her opinions stuck in my head. She blames me for her demotivation and shit like that when she’s done the same thing to me. She thinks I don’t care about her or her art, when I do, but when I say that, she calls me fake. In reality, ang0 couldn’t give a damn about me and I’m pretty sure she’d be happy if I were dead. She has said before that she doesn’t care if I killed myself soo... there’s that. Anyway lemme not drag my feelings out too long, I just thought I’d say it to anyone willing to listen since her immediate response would’ve been “fake, liar” etc, etc. I really don’t want anyone to feel bad for me or anything like that, I just want people to listen and understand. That’s all.

a final note

I’m really thankful- like, REALLY thankful- for everyone who’s been on my side throughout this. I don’t like picking sides, and I’d hate to make people do so, but there doesn’t seem to be any in between to this at all. It’s either you believe I’m copying her or you don’t.  Most people don’t- thank goodness for that- but some do. And there’s nothing I can do about it. At this point, whatever man.

Please please PLEASE do not harass ang0. Don’t threaten her, don’t insult her, don’t do anything rash or fucking illegal. It’s all fair game if you want to POLITELY SPEAK to her, or try to start a discussion, but please don’t do anything stupid. And especially don’t do things in my name. If you want to debate with me or her, do research first- don’t just jump to conclusions or make assumptions.If you want nothing to do with this drama, then simply don’t say anything- just be aware of what’s going on, that’s all I ask. So nobody gets the wrong idea on either side.

Sorry for this being so long, I think I’m done for now.

Thank you if you read the whole thing.

[9.4.2020]

[xerospaced]

So I’m still seeking to have my BPD diagnosis removed from my health record coz...

Somehow, despite my exhaustive description of events that led to the circumstances I had presented with, the psychiatrist managed to overlook CEN and C-PTSD. 

You see, as a fellow woman who happened to be experiencing mood swings, it must be that I had a personality disorder rather than... Oh, I don’t know, let me explore a little more so I can get a clearer idea of these complex issues you’ve presented with. Nope, just straight diagnosis. But ykno, it’s the NHS, you get what you pay for I suppose.

So, I want this shit off my record.

1. I spent far too long relating to content which, yes I did relate to to some extent BUT a lot of which was rooted in very different and easily explicable reasons such as:

2. Presenting as an intelligent young working woman who was well kempt and self-aware, it was never for a moment considered that there may be any other element at hand like, say, oh, I don’t know - a neurodevelopmental “disorder”

3. The overwhelming number of therapists I saw who failed to ever pick up on: - a) My significant (to a point of damn near defiant) lack of eye contact - b) The CONSTANT stimming (not to mention that I even attended many appointments with fidget toys before I even considered that I was autistic or knew I was stimming) - c) The constant lateness to EVERYTHING, the missed appointments, the “I forgots” the I never seem to get anything done - d) SERIOUSLY THE FUGGEN STIMMING - e) [in relation to b & d] The exaggerated use of hand gestures whilst speaking and the many “odd” positions I would find myself sitting in - f) The difficulty in finishing a coherent thought without trailing off and the “less than common” word choices I employed as well as somewhat strange manner in which I speak - g) The varying speeds/volumes/tones/and LITERAL FUCKING accents that would slip out during speech - h) The clear display that I was looking at and taking in everything LITERALLY EVERYTHING in the room All of which was actually clearly indicative of likely neurodivergence and, in actuality, were displays of the functions of ADHD and [entirely likely damn near definite] autism I ACTUALLY have

4. It was easier to sum up as young woman + abuse + mood swings = personality disorder BECAUSE AUTISM AND ADHD IS FOR THE MALES

5. The BPD diagnosis impacted a significant familial matter which could have been avoided had I been adequately assessed. 

6. I have to KNOW what I am experiencing in order to request assessment and diagnosis pretty much exists in relation to the scope of my initial theories, ergo: thought I had bi-polar - got diagnosed BPD.

7. Autistic women and those with ADHD are FREQUENTLY misdiagnosed as borderline or bi-polar (so seriously FIGURE IT OUT how could they not think to consider that

8. My academic excellence and advanced mental age/maturity + lack of personal relationships and intense interests were a clear indication that I was not of the “average” neurotypical type mind you would expect to see presenting with a personality disorder. It should not have been assessed as such. This was NEVER taken into consideration.

All in all, I am uncomfortable with my current diagnoses and what it had led to. I spent a lot of time relating to content and people within the BPD community (nothing against that or them) BUT when you relate to a BEHAVIOUR or FEELING and you have ALSO experienced similar abuse/neglect as is typical of that community, it results in coming to the INCORRECT conclusions about WHY you are experiencing and responding to life as you are. Read: Impulse behaviour rooted in “avoidance of negative feelings and seeking positive outcomes” seeming like it fit my individual case when in actuality - Impulse behaviour as a result of adHd [the Hyperactivity in particular] resulting in an “antsy” state which is sated in the impulse decision to LOOK AT PRETTY THINGS and COLLECT THEM ALL (throw in a dash of Autistic special interest in apparel, put two and two together and Bob’s your fucking uncle wouldyalookatthat!) Read: Self-harm as a means of punishment or gratification - actuality: as a reaction to sensory overload and a means of counteracting painful stimuli. Read: Intense anger, emotional outbursts - actuality: sensory overload, meltdown; ADHD rage attacks/irritability Read: Dissociation as a result of escaping feelings - actuality: catatonia due to sensory overload Read: Instability/mood swings - Actuality: Autistic sensory overload; ADHD hyperactivity - impulsive component, under stimulation = increased irritability = mood swings

I could go on.

Anyway. I have a real uncomfortable association to BPD. and, if I am entirely honest, I feel that - though I did learn a lot in my journey of trying to manage what I believed was BPD - I also caused myself some harm along the way. Believing the way my brain is hardwired was something that I could retrain and, even more harmful in nature, rejecting certain aspects of myself that I actually should have been learning to accept as part of my brain function and embracing in order to learn how to navigate life WITH these components rather than forcefully controlling them in a bid to bend them into some factory style notion of “ideal” that I was intended to strive towards in order to consider myself “recovered”.

My entire approach to self, to healing, and to understanding has changed. Developed beyond belief. As a result of finally understanding that the intensity of the emotions I feel, the hyperfocus, the stimming, the ways in which I connect (or fail to connect) with people, the impulsivity, the meltdowns 

- all understood and being managed in a way that it’s worlds away from the BPD experience. 

And most significantly of all 

Learning that the extreme emotions I feel are with me for Life. Accepting that I will always be subject to experiencing sensory overload and that there are ways to manage it that don’t involve trying to rationalise thoughts and feelings but rather recognising the elements that have caused the overload to prepare for or avoid them in future, as well as attending to the need in the moment. 

It’s an entirely different understanding of self. And I spent the better part of five years on the wrong path. All coz I was given a label with no consideration as to what else may be at play. 

I am comfortable with my understanding of self now. And I am confident in my ADHD diagnosis as well as my understanding of myself as an Autistic woman.  I just want the diagnosis gone, because it has done more damage to my perception of and approach to self than good and I no longer wish to carry that inaccurate definition with me.

[localhorrornerd]

31 Horror Movies for the Halloween Season

Well.. It’s a little bit over 31 bc of sequels and such but it’s a fun title for horror recs! For the record these are in no particular order in like what’s the best or anything! It’s just a list of horror movie recommendations that might get you in the Halloween mood. I tried not to have huge well-known movies on here, but I did throw in a few just because I love them and couldn’t resist. I did try to add small descriptions for each one, but given there’s like 31 movies on here, they are rather short. Either way, hopefully you’ll find one or a couple movies here that you’re interested in!

1. Trick ‘r Treat

A rather well-known one but is it really a list without Trick ‘r Treat? A fun horror anthology with four different stories that connect to each other in some way - including the fact they all take place on Halloween night! A fun one to actually watch on Halloween.

2. Hell House LLC

For the record there are two sequels (Hell House LLC 2: The Abaddon Hotel & Hell House LLC 3: Lake of Fire), however I have not seen either of them so can’t include them here, but if you want to watch them I’d say go check them out! Basically it’s a documentary style type film that follows what happened up to the days a horrible tragedy took place on the opening night of a haunted house attraction. No one knows exactly what actually went down, so the reason for the documentary is to attempt to figure out what truly happened that night.

3. Repo! The Genetic Opera

A horror musical! It’s set in a future where organ failure is extremely common so naturally a huge company comes along and is like “Okay you can have an organ transplant, but you have a huge payment plan and if you can’t pay then we’re just gonna kill you and take your organs back.” Also it has so many good songs would highly recommend if you haven’t seen it (and you can stomach a bit of gore).

4. The Devil’s Carnival & Alleluia! The Devil’s Carnival

Another horror musical! And done by the same people who did Repo! For the record The Devil’s Carnival is only about an hour long but the sequel is a full length movie! A short quick explanation is that it’s set in Hell (unsurprisingly) and follows the people who end up there - also during this the Devil is planning an attack - but I’ll let you find out the rest if you haven’t seen it yet.

5. Ju-On and/or The Grudge (Any Film)

It’s my favorite horror franchise, so of course Ju-On was gonna end up on here! Whether it be the original Japanese films or the American remakes, it follows vengeful spirits who were murdered in their home and are taking revenge on anyone who enters.

6. Sinister & Sinister 2

Okay I know Sinister 2 is one not very well liked, but since I have seen it I decided I might as well include it (though I don’t really remember my thoughts on it it’s been a while). Video tapes that contain children murdering their families and a mysterious being that may be at the center of it is the basic plot for these movies.

7. Tragedy Girls

Basically you got two best friends who capture a serial killer because they themselves want to become serial killers! Don’t wanna say too much outside of that, as that is the basic plot concept honestly, but it’s a really fun movie.

8. The Final Girls

A girl dealing with the anniversary of her mother’s death ends up, with a small group of others, stuck in a horror movie that her mother actually starred in. Okay as much fun as this one is it does pull on the heart strings a bit I gotta admit. But it’s truly great and naturally has a feel of an older slasher movie.

9. You Might be the Killer

Another one that’s got that older slasher movie vibe as it takes place at a camp. One where the counselors are getting picked off one by one by a masked killer. Comes in our protagonist, who is calling his friend, who isn’t at the camp and also is a huge horror enthusiast, for help to figure out what to do and maybe figure out what’s going on/who the killer is.

10. Danur (aka Danur: I Can See Ghosts)

A young girl who just wants friends finds them in the form of three potentially paranormal ones. Though it seemingly being just a childhood thing, it actually becomes of great importance as she gets older. This movie also has a sequel, Danur 2: Maddah.

11. Fright Night

For the record I am talking about the remake here, as I have not seen the original, but if you would prefer to watch that one - or maybe even both - go for it! Basically, teen starts to believe his new neighbor is a vampire after more and more people go missing. Also David Tennant is there if you go with the remake so that’s always fun!

12. Tales of Halloween

Admittedly I wasn’t too into this film, but I know a lot of people like it! Not too much to say, it’s a horror anthology with 10 different segments that take place on Halloween! So you’re bound to find something you enjoy within it, whether it be the paranormal, witches, or even just dumb fun horror comedy antics.

13. The Tag-Along

Based on an urban legend from Taiwan, “The Little Girl in Red”, it focuses on a man and his girlfriend. Of which the man’s grandmother suddenly goes missing one day - eventually leading to him discovering clues of a potential unknown little girl who had began following his grandmother around. There are two sequels to this movie as well that I have not seen yet, that being The Tag-Along 2 & The Tag-Along: The Devil Fish.

14. Three... Extremes

Another anthology film that contains three separate stories, each one coming from a different East Asian country. It also has a prequel, Three (or 3... Extremes II in the U.S.), and a full length film made from one of the stories within it, Dumplings.

15. The Hallow

Really feel like the point of this movie is like ‘Don’t fuck with the woods’. As it basically focuses on a couple and their baby, who seems to be the target for the odd things happening to them that seems rather connected to the woods nearby.

16. The Devil’s Candy

A man moves with his family into a new home, and slowly begins to feel as though something is possessing him in a sense. That and also the potential fact his family is being targeted by the previous resident of the home.

17. Wake Wood

Apparently FMA did not teach us not to fuck with the dead enough, so here’s a movie about a grieving couple that lost their daughter who move into a town that holds the power to bring someone back from the dead for only 3 days. Unfortunately like FMA, things go horribly wrong (just not... in the same way as FMA).

18. The Cabin in the Woods

College students go out to a cabin in the woods in which things quickly take a turn for the worst. Seems simple enough, but it’s so much more complicated than that - however I won’t be sharing any of those details for those who haven’t watched it yet.

19. Prevenge

A pregnant woman who’s husband has recently passed away, believes that her unborn child wants her to track down and kill everyone who was involved in the accident. An extremely wild but honestly rather fun time.

20. You’re Next

Home invasion, baby! In which everything goes to hell for a family and their partners when masked killers start trying to kill everyone there. Though things take a turn quick and you start to wonder who is really the ones being hunted down here. (A fairly well known one, but I had to recommend it given one of my favorite characters in horror is in this movie)

21. Kuronezumi (aka Black Rat)

Not too much to say here basic plot wise. Six students receive texts from their dead classmate, they follow as the texts ask and go to the school at night, and then start getting targeted by a killer wearing a rat mask.

22. Lights Out

A family potentially being haunted by a creature that only appears when the lights go out? Plus a whole lot of family drama? Always fun truly! It’s also somewhat based off a viral short film of the same name that the director had made before he got to make it a full length film.

23. Absentia

Absolutely had to put a Mike Flanagan movie on here. One that focuses on a pregnant woman who’s started towards attempting to move on with her life after her husband disappeared seven years ago. However, as she takes a huge step towards doing so, something rather odd happens - which I’ll let you find out for yourself if you choose to watch it.

24. Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Perhaps it’s because it’s the one Halloween movie without Michael Myers, or perhaps it’s because I was blanking out on movies I watched that aren’t extremely well-known, but I felt the need to add this one on here. It focuses on this man who is out to kill children on Halloween by using a line of Halloween masks. So basically another fun one to watch on Halloween!

25. The Barn

Teenagers go to a barn where there’s a supposed curse that can awaken Halloween-themed monsters on Halloween night. What could possibly go wrong? Honestly another one that would be a lot of fun to actually watch on Halloween.

26. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

A really fun documentary type film where it’s set in a world where iconic horror slashers are actually real! And a documentary crew are out to make a movie centered around Leslie Vernon, who wishes to go down in history as another one of the famous slashers. This one is really just *chef’s kiss* to me, very much recommend if you haven’t seen it.

27. Creep & Creep 2

Found footage type films in which we follow people who are hired by this rather concerning man to film him. That’s really all I can say unfortunately without trying to give away too much.

28. What We Do in the Shadows

Another documentary-style type movie! It tends to be more comedic than it is horror, but it follows  a group of vampires that live together! Sort of documenting their lives and how they survive day by day. Honestly it’s so ridiculous and hilarious, and I know many people have seen it by now but I have to recommend it none the less as it’s one of my favorites. Plus, it also has an equally hilarious tv series now that you can also give a watch!

29. The Banana Splits Movie

Who doesn’t want to see the Banana Splits as animatronics that start randomly slaughtering people after the news that their show is going to be cancelled? Honestly it’s really just a fun, ridiculous movie that isn’t meant to be taken seriously. Perhaps something to watch with friends to get in the mood for Halloween.

30. The Last Exorcism

Another one that has a sequel I have not seen: The Last Exorcism Part II. Another documentary style film (Sorry I added so many of these whoops), that follows a reverend who goes around performing fake exorcisms. Things start getting a bit more complicated though when lines start beginning to blur between what is real and what is fake while doing his current “exorcism” he was asked to perform.

31. V/H/S & V/H/S 2

There is also a third film, V/H/S: Viral, however I have not seen that one. Not too much to say here, they’re basically just an anthology of short horror films that are supposedly being shown from VHS tapes.

[disregardcanon]

a few thoughts on attack of the clones after my first adult rewatch 

1. i liked this one less than phantom menace. i think part of that is just because it’s really where the prequels start to get dark, but also because it’s where more of my problems with the writing arise. 

2. this one has less jar-jar, which is good, and him causing a major galactic screw-up which eventually leads to the empire rising, which is good. i liked that 

3. i can’t tell if the dialogue got worse or if it showed worse because attack of the clones tries a lot harder to be serious. 

4. the anakin and obi-wan interactions are hit or miss. sometimes the banter feels right (like obi-wan groaning that he hates when anakin does that after anakin bailed out of a speeder hundreds of feet in the air), but some of it just didn’t feel natural. that’s mainly the fault of the stilted writing, but it’s just not great, especially since they didn’t have a relationship to speak of in the last movie. it’s why the anakin and obi-wan relationship in the movies just falls flat when we get to what is supposed to be a real emotional climax on mustafar. 

however, i LOVE the bar scene. it’s so weird and awkward and i would die for the death sticks scene. 

5. anakin and padme are also hit or miss. when hayden and natalie got to just kinda spread out and be, they are really cute. the shy little smiles that anakin gives padme part of the time when they’re flirting on naboo are just A+, and the music stopping when padme breaks the kiss is actually hilarious. some of it hits well for me, part of it’s awkward, and part of it’s actively creepy. it’s always hard to tell how the narrative wants me to feel about anakin and padme becoming a couple, to be honest. 

6. obi-wan on kamino is perfect. like, ewan mcgregor’s acting shines the best in this movie when he’s awkwardly trying to gather information about what the FUCK is going on there. his tension with jango and boba is great as well. 

7. the palpatine scene with anakin is perfect because it makes me want to kill him. also, anakin talking about how palpatine is GOOD really shows the emotional manipulation going on there, which is important to that part of the narrative. 

8. the settings are gorgeous. naboo is my favorite, but they make great use of coruscant in this one and i think that geonosis is creative and interesting to look at as well. 

9. other than awkward dialogue and stilted interactions, my main problem with attack of the clones is that it doesn’t feel like the middle of something. this is the beginning of a war, the introduction of its conflicts and main players (dooku) and while the clone wars does a fantastic job of showing that war, it’s ramifications, and how we get to revenge of the sith, the movies do not. there should have been a movie in between attack of the clones and revenge of the sith. the clone wars is GREAT and i love it, but a cartoon television show should not be required viewing to make your movie’s pacing feel right. 

i know that part of the message of the prequels is that the clone wars were ultimately pointless and created nothing but suffering for the gain of darth sidious, simply not showing that suffering just. doesn’t work here. there is so much growing that the relationships between anakin and obi wan (which only got this one movie) and anakin and padme (which is ENTIRELY shifted from that first movie). i am not a prequels hater by far, but this is a big gripe of mine. the phantom menace is fun and sets up the chess pieces, but it leaves attack of the clones trying do the job of two movies which just does not work. 

10. boba fett watching mace windu behead his father and then gently cradling his helmet in his hands and holding it to his face in forehead touch almost made me cry. all in all, i love the fetts in this one. we don’t get a lot but it’s all well done. 

11. again, dooku feels forced. it’s not that he’s bad, he’s just not well developed and by the time he dies at the beginning of the next one he feels like an unnecessary character that didn’t really do much. i know he’s being manipulated by sidious like all the rest, but it just feels hollow compared to some of the other stuff, despite the actor being charming. 

12. anakin’s tendency to fix things to comfort himself or to distract himself during uncomfortable situations? in character, a good addition. all in all good stuff. his whole convo with watto was interesting, because the dynamic has completely changed and he’s trying to hold himself back from shouting. 

then, i really do love the scene with shmi. it’s a blatant case of fridging, but hayden’s acting absolutely shines in that. he’s so gentle and scared as his mom strokes his face, and then the rage kicks in and you can just see the switch flip. 

13. one thing that i kind of wish they would have gone into with anakin’s “well, why don’t we do a dictatorship?” would be padme talking about the vote of no confidence and thoughts about how that might have been a bad call. and then anakin could defend palpatine for a second because palpatine likes him, (palpatine believes in him, unlike obi-wan) but then switch tactics to flirting with padme about making her the dictator, because as long as it’s one that they can both trust, what’s the harm? it could have been a cute, but fundamentally tainted interaction. i might try writing that version, actually. 

14. the wedding is still really pretty. like, oh my gosh. the costumes against the lake background, across the stars playing, anakin’s robot hand in padme’s one covered in white lace, artoo and threepio as the witnesses. i- 

[mostfacinorous]

GO Whumptober Day 31: Today’s Special- Torture [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11][12][13][14][15][16][17][18][19][20][21][22][23][24][25][26][27][28][29][30]

“You know,” Crowley heard, as he slowly woke. “Every hunter worth their salt has a tracking device they keep on their person. And his led me straight to you. So tell me the truth: where is Mathias?” 

Crowley opened his eyes to find himself in a mostly dark room, tied to a chair, plastic spread out on the floor around him, and floodlights hitting him right in the eyes. 

There was a woman standing in front of him, arms crossed and looking both unimpressed and threatening. 

“I mean-- I ate him.” Crowley answered, feeling a mite groggy, like he may have been drugged. The pounding in his skull backed up that theory. 

“Oh, a jokester. Funny. Mathias is my brother, so I hope for your sake he’s around here somewhere.” 

Crowley groaned.

“Mathias sent a child after me by lying to her about the source of her ma’s illness, and then he attacked when I turned up to help them, so I turned into a snake and ate him.” Crowley told her. “I’m not joking, and I’m awful sorry for your loss, though he was a bit of a prick.” 

The woman looked less than pleased with that answer, and paced back and forth a bit. 

“You wanna talk me through what you’re thinking, or would you rather wear a hole in that tarp?” He finally asked. 

“Well, your eyes say demon, so that makes your story a little more plausible. I don’t want to believe my brother’s dead, because if I come home without him, my father will be furious.” 

Crowley listened, nodding. 

“So I suppose,” she continued, “My options are to take you back to my father and let you tell him your story, and hope I get let off the hook while he kills you slowly, a little bit at a time, or, I do it myself, here and now, save myself the trouble of the roadtrip with you, and know I’ll probably kill you off faster than he would, so it’s really sort of a favor, on account of how you’re right, and my brother was a prick.” 

“Sounds like either way is pretty shit, as far as options go on my end.” Crowley quipped, and she huffed a little laugh. 

“Shame about you eating him,” she responded. “I feel like we really coulda grown to like one another.” 

---

Crowley swam in and out of consciousness for the next several hours, as this incredibly disturbed human woman made a game of removing bits of him and putting them in labelled mason jars. 

It really was like some kind of parody of a decor show, the way she tied little ribbons around each one, and labelled them with what they were and the time when she removed them from him. 

He had no idea where they were or how they’d got there, but she’d done a damn good job of making sure she wouldn’t be interrupted. 

He’d yelled and cried and screamed as loud as he could, but it seemed like there were no neighbors around to hear, or care, or help. 

And he had no idea where Aziraphale was. He wished he could call to him, though, reach him, ask for some kind of way out of here. 

“So it occurs to me,” Amber said, for that was her name, and Crowley hated that she’d bothered telling him about her, because he sympathized now, a little. 

“I haven’t had much opportunity to learn about demons, and how they react to things. For example:” She held up a bottle of salt. “I can make a circle with this, and you can’t leave it, yeah? But what happens if I just…”

She upended the bottle over his chest, slashed open and bleeding sluggishly as it was. 

He screamed again as the salt began to dissolve in his blood and sting at the open skin. 

She watched, dispassionately, and when he voice broke and his screams turned to little whimpers, she hummed to herself. 

“I’d say that was about on par with a human, actually.” She noted. “Which is a real pity, I expected more… fireworks, or the like.” 

Crowley twisted his wrist back and forth, trying again to work his hand free, but she laughed. 

His fingers were broken; she’d done that first thing, so even if he could get free, the act of summoning a miracle would be even more painful. 

“How about the old folklore fixes, eh? Silver? Iron? Garlic?” 

“Werewolves, fairies, and vampires. Not me.” He answered her, voice rough from screaming and ruining his attempt at sounding cool. 

“And how about holy water? Does that do anything?” 

He croaked out a little laugh.

“Tingles a bit. Demons use it as hot sauce.” 

He had loosened the duck tape around his wrist enough to be able to move his hand a bit, and he smashed it against the chair, forcing his broken bones back into some semblance of being hand shaped.

“Hm. Hot sauce, you say?” She asked, and he didn’t like that at all. He wiggled his fingers, braced himself, and summoned a miracle.

“Maybe I should go get you some, then. After all, you are being punished for having eaten my brother-- maybe keeping your mouth on a constant holy water drip will make the punishment fit the crime a little better.” 

Crowley sucked in air, in too much pain to try and figure out how to talk his way out of that one. 

“Did I hear,” A new voice said in the darkness, and Crowley felt his eyes filling with tears of relief, “That you are in the market for some holy water?” 

Aziraphale stepped forward, looking prim and proper as ever, and he’d even pulled out his halo and wings for the occasion. 

Amber looked up at him in awe.

“You’re an angel aren’t you?” She asked, and Aziraphale smiled. 

“I am. And it seems you’ve captured my own personal adversary.” He flicked his eyes towards Crowley, and Crowley whined at the cold expression in them. 

Oh, Aziraphale was pissed. And worse, he was righteous. 

“Oh, did you want to get in on this? It turns out he ate my brother, so…” 

“Were you aware,” Aziraphale asked, voice still light and sweet and casual, “That your brother had made a deal with devils? That your brother kidnapped me, and sold me to hell?” 

Amber took a step back as Aziraphale turned to look at her again. 

“What? No, I mean, Mathias was an arse, but…” 

“Your brother.” Aziraphale said, advancing on her, “Was a monster. And so are you.” 

Crowley could not actually see what happened, but he did see that Aziraphale did not so much as lift a finger. 

Amber screamed and fell to her knees, her eyes bleeding, her mouth wide open and her tongue suddenly missing. 

“Crowley, darling, I think you had better close your eyes.” Aziraphale warned him, and, when he’d obeyed, he could see the bright holy light that suddenly shone throughout the room even through his closed eyelids. It stabbed into him and set his head off again, and he whimpered. 

Just as fast as it began, it ended, and then Aziraphale was there. 

“Alright, here we are, I am so sorry. Come on, let’s get you out of here, get you healed up.” 

“What-- what did you do with her?” Crowley asked. “She was just-- her and Mathias both, their dad…” 

“Oh, I know.” Aziraphale told him. “I sent her body back to her father, covered in writing that tells the entire story of their awful line. No further children will be born to them. The old man will see his daughter, read my letter, and then never see again. And whatever monster he is running from will finally be able to catch up.”

Aziraphale’s voice echoed with a sort of certainty, a knowledge beyond what they knew, and Crowley realized he was tapping into the weapons available to angels in the most extreme of circumstances. The sorts of weapons he’d have been given back in the beginning, back when it was a very real war, and he’d been set out to kill demons like Crowley. 

Instead, now, he was using those powers in defense of a demon. 

“I don’t think heaven’s gonna like this too much.” Crowley told him, head lolling as they moved, and suddenly Crowley realized he was being carried. 

“I don’t give two fucks what heaven does and doesn’t like!” Aziraphale said hotly, but sounding more like himself. “I won’t let anyone take you from me again!” 

Crowley smiled at that, even though, as they crossed out of the darkness and into the sunlight, his headache flared up, and all the moving was jostling the salt in his chest wounds. 

He was woozy and in and out of it, and Aziraphale got him laid out on the grass by a roadside, the day crisp and bright and lovely, and Crowley felt cold and vague. 

“That crazy bint killed me, didn’t she?” He asked, and Aziraphale’s eyes flashed, brighter even than the noonday sun. 

“Not if I’ve anything to say about it.” He answered. “I am so very sorry,” He added, softer and sweet. 

Crowley sighed, trying not to tense even though he knew what was coming next. 

Or, he thought he knew. Aziraphale had done some laying of hands on him before, once or twice, and it was terrible for them both each time. They both suffered when they went about helping one another that intimately. So he tried to prepare for more pain. 

What he felt instead, though, was Aziraphale’s hand on the side of his face, and then his lips on his, and he was kissing him back to life. 

And somehow, it didn’t hurt. 

It was like being dunked suddenly into a cold pool, a shock to the system, unpleasant, but bracing. He felt alert again, like he’d just woken, and he felt the pain in his chest going away, the throbbing in his fingers ceasing as everything straightened out and reknitted itself, pieces regrowing and reattaching and healing. 

And Aziraphale was kissing him. 

When he was done, Crowley chased after his retreating lips, panting and confused. 

“That didn’t-- it didn’t hurt me at all. Did it-- are you alright?” He demanded, sitting up and reaching for Aziraphale to catch him in case he fainted from the efforts.

But Aziraphale just smiled. 

“When God said she wanted us to be closer,” He said, sounding, finally like himself, “I suspect this is more what she had in mind.” 

“You mean I could have been kissing you since winter?” 

Aziraphale laughed and helped Crowley to his feet. 

“If we weren’t so scared, I would say we could have been kissing for much longer than that. But, yes. I don’t think we’ll have any problems with healing one another any longer.” 

Crowley felt tears coming to his eyes again, and he grabbed hold of Aziraphale and held onto him tightly. 

“Let’s go find somewhere that’s quiet.” He requested. “Somewhere out of the city. You bring your books, I’ll bring my plants… and with any luck neither of us will have to heal the other ever again.” 

“Oh, Crowley.” Aziraphale said on a sigh, “That sounds delightful. How do you feel about the south downs?”

“If you’re there?” Crowley told him, as he reached to pull him into another kiss. “Better than heaven could ever be.”

[candyshua]

Ghosts {Kim Seokjin x Reader}

a/n: i found this in docs today, and posted it a while ago, but it kind of flopped ): so i decided to repost it! 

Genre: Heavy, heavy angst.

Word Count: 1,797

Warnings: None

Synopsis: You were dead, yet somehow you still made Seokjin suffer every day.

1 Month

Seokjin awoke with tired eyes, wanting nothing but to fall back into the deep slumber he just was in forever. He yawned silently, stretching his lengthy limbs, accidentally knocking over a picture of you. 

He looked down at the picture, observing your beautiful smile and intriguing eyes. He felt his heart drop, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to see your smile anymore.

Nor would he be able to hear your laugh, or listen to your voice, all that was left was just a ghost. Seokjin had wished oh so desperately that you were haunting him, so you wouldn’t be completely gone.

Alas, you were. You were gone and there was nothing Seokjin could do or say to bring you back. The pain he drowned in was unfathomable. He felt as if his life was deprived of all purpose, because you were gone.

He forced himself to get out of his unkempt bed, wiping his tired eyes yet again. He went downstairs to his kitchen, and started to brew some shitty coffee. The ghost of you was everywhere. Memories of you two baking for your school’s bake sale played like a movie in front of Seokjin’s weary irises. 

The memories you two shared together were irreplaceable. Like that one time you were getting drunk at the fair, or the other time when you two snuck food into the theatre and jumped from movie to movie.

Seokjin wished he could say those three words to you, because he never got the chance to when you were alive. This, of course, wasn’t exactly his fault, since you were madly in love with the casanova known as Kim Taehyung. 

Seokjin, being in love with you, let you be with him when you were alive. Although it hurt beyond belief, he saw the way you smiled at Taehyung, or the way you whispered sweet nothings into his ear. 

He never expected things to end like this. 

Seokjin’s biggest regret is a chance he didn’t take. And for what? All because he was afraid of some stupid rejection? Sure, your friendship would be awkward for a bit, but you’d get back to the normal flow of things.

And hey, maybe you even loved him back. Sadly, Seokjin will never know. All he will know is the cold void of you from now on, and all the questions you left unanswered. 

Seokjin started to drink the coffee he brewed, cringing at its disgusting taste. All morning, you were in his mind. Whether you were the center of his attention, or merely in the back of his mind, there was no lack of your everlasting eerie presence. 

Sadly, there was a lack of you. And there always will be, from now on.

2 Months

Seokjin lay down on his bed, gazing at the ceiling. He felt nothing but an invincible and impenetrable wall of anger in his heart. 

Seokjin happened to be out that day. He decided to see a movie to get his mind off of things. And while out, Seokjin spotted the infamous Kim Taehyung, with his arms draped around another girl’s shoulders, a smile present. The moment the two men made eye contact, fury had consumed Seokjin. Taehyung looked at Seokjin with apprehensive and timid eyes, wanting nothing but to disappear. Seokjin swallowed, turned around, and walked out of the theatre, too devastated and infuriated to function. 

Seokjin’s first thought when he got home was how dare he? How dare he get over her so quickly, while I’m still stuck here mourning? How dare he forget her in the blink of a fucking eye, and move on to the next quick and cheap fuck?

Was that all you were to Taehyung? Just a quick and cheap fuck? Just a playtoy? Maybe that’s why Taehyung seemed utterly fine. 

Because you were nothing to him. Seokjin had wished that, because you were his everything. And now you’re gone and never ever coming back. 

3 Months

Seokjin had tried calling your phone, just to hear your voice again. He didn’t realize that your phone would already be permanently shut off, never to be used again. So, as a substitute, Seokjin looked through old videos of you two. 

He found himself cracking a weak, sad smile. Soon, that smile erupted into a volcano of tears. The tears seemed to have no halt, and Seokjin soon realized he was having a full on panic attack.

With shaky legs, he ran downstairs and gulped down a glass of water. He found himself whispering your name over and over again, hoping that you might appear and all of this would be some sick nightmare.

Alas, this was real. All of it. You were dead, and Seokjin knew that. He just didn’t want to accept it.

4 Months

Seokjin can’t stop looking at pictures of you. The kids at school give him a weird look, but he doesn’t care. He used to be very clean and fashionable, but how his hair is unkempt and his clothes are baggy and devoid of any style. 

He just wants you back.

Now that school has started, Seokjin really felt the void you left behind sink in. He was so used to you being in all of his classes, but now there’s just an empty seat next to him, one less person at his lunch table, and one less annoying girl to raise her hand every single time a question was asked. 

You were an exemplary student, with an average of A plusses. You had often tutored Seokjin in many subjects, even when he got the topic. Sometimes, he just wanted to be with you, and talk to you.

Come back, please.

Seokjin felt a lump in his throat starting to form.

I’ll never lie about needing you to tutor me ever again, okay? Just please come back now.

5 Months

Seokjin was getting used to you not being there anymore. It stung, a lot, but he was accommodating. 

Maybe you really weren’t coming back.

6 Months

Seokjin’s friend, Namjoon, had invited Seokjin to a party Friday night. Being manipulated into going, Seokjin now found himself at an odorous house, with teenagers recklessly drinking and having fun. 

Seokjin, deciding to give in, started to drink whatever cheap beer was available to him. Soon enough, he was absolutely inebriated. He decided to walk home, but he somehow found himself at your house.

He looked up to the window of your room, the window he would sneak in through whenever he needed you or vice versa. Due to his intoxication, Seokjin decided to climb up your house and go through your window. Soon, he found himself in your room.

Everything was left untouched. Your parents hadn’t moved anything, your bed was still unmade and your desk chair was still slightly turned. It was almost like you didn’t die.

Almost.

Seokjin, suddenly feeling stuffy and overwhelmed, started to cry silently. He remembered you, every single part of you, but that wouldn’t bring you back.

Nothing would bring you back.

7 Months

Seokjin started thinking of you less and less. He even forgot the sound of your voice, so he had to binge watch a bunch of videos he had of you to remember. It still stung, but the pain was much more dull now. Seokjin has midterms to think of, so he cannot be distracted by your presence. Or, lack thereof.

8 Months

Seokjin met a new girl at school, who was very nice to him. It was odd, seeing a girl be this affectionate toward him.

Maybe he liked her? She was very cute. Her name was Abigail, and she made Seokjin forget all about you. Yet, like always, you would always come back to the center of his attention.

But you wouldn’t come back to him. 

9 Months

Seokjin had a dry throat, and his palms were exceptionally sweaty. He paced in front of Abigail’s doorstep, practicing what to say. That night was their first date, and Seokjin was a nervous mess. He couldn’t help but feel giddy and anxious, and a tad guilty. 

Soon, Abigail walked out and the two of them went out to dinner. It was pleasant, and it made Seokjin genuinely smile. He was reminded of the time when you two went out to dinner at the same restaurant, but he soon dismissed the thought right after it came. 

You would’ve wanted him to move on, right?

10 Months

Guilt. That’s all Seokjin could feel whenever he looked at pictures of you, or even when he just thought of you. Seokjin had come to terms with his feelings for Abigail, and now he realized that he was moving on.

Seokjin wasn’t ready to let you go. He felt as if he let himself accept your demise, he would officially forget about you. All the love he felt for you would diminish.

He missed you still, but he needed you less and less each day. It was getting easier to function, and his smiles were less weary and more effortless. You were gone, and he was okay with that.

What if he didn’t want to be okay with it?

11 Months

It has almost been a year, and Seokjin is trying his hardest to not count down the days. He has a girlfriend now, one whom he loves very much, but he will never forget you, or your delightful presence.

A part of him will always love you, and it feels like he’s not supposed to. Seokjin feels as if he’s supposed to never let you go, because that would be betrayal in the highest degree. 

He started to forget what you looked like. Soon, you were fading away from his life, becoming nothing but a mere ghost of what used to be.

1 Year

Seokjin arrived at your grave at twelve AM, letting himself drown in the utter dread he was feeling. He looked down at your tombstone, scoffing at the lack of justice done for you. It didn’t encapsulate the beautiful and divine individual you were. All it did was say your name, and how long you lived for. That was it.

People who didn’t know you would merely walk by your grave, not thinking of it twice.

Maybe that was the beauty of it. There was a beauty, at least to Seokjin, in being a part of a limited number of people who knew you. Not everybody could say that they’ve met you, and that’s something Seokjin will be eternally proud of.

He will always love you, that is true. Yet, he no longer holds on to the ghost of you. You’re gone now, and that’s okay.

He still had the privilege of being in love with you. And to Seokjin, that was more than enough. 

[sparklyandchic]

🦋 MINI MIND MAKEOVER 🦋

okay i started the idea for this mini little mind makeover when i broke up with my boyfriend in like january. instead of being sad or angry, i wanted to be grateful for this time and take it as an opportunity to make life better for myself. then quarantine happened, so some of these are related to things i’ve learned since that started. either way, these aren’t all concrete things to do for your mind; some of them are just ways of thinking or pep talks. but if you can find one little piece of information or thought that makes you a little bit happier for a moment, that’s all i can hope for!

5-htp: okay first off- please ALWAYS consult your psychiatrist or medical professional before taking a supplement! taking 5-htp with, for example, serotonin-increasing medications can lead to a fatal illness called serotonin syndrome. personally, i started taking it because i had been on 10 mg prozac for a few months. it definitely dulled a lot of my anxiety and had a lot of positive aspects to it, but it dulled them almost too much to the point where i felt apathetic and detached from myself and the situations i was in. i was in a very unhealthy relationship and felt like i needed my mental clarity and “overthinking” processes back in order to identify what i was feeling and how to deal with it. i felt a lot more “sensitive” after coming off it, which was actually really welcome for me at first, but then it sort of dropped off into withdrawals. i was having constant panic attacks and crying very often. after a while, i was debating going back on prozac, but remembered i had taken 5-htp before. 5-htp is an amino acid that is a direct precursor to serotonin being produced in the brain. when u eat turkey, tryptophan is converted into 5-htp which leads to your brain producing serotonin, thus why you feel calm and happy afterwards. after taking 5-htp for just a few days, ranging between 200-300 mg per day (again, do your research, ask your doctor, and start small) i stopped crying constantly and really felt this sense of calmness and wellbeing but without the detachment and apathy i felt with prozac. i could still think clearly but didn’t feel overly sensitive to every emotion which arose. personally, it is really a lifesaver and really does make a noticeable difference.

cognitive behavioral therapy: ive tried therapy a million times. well okay, like 5 or 6 different therapists. at its worst, therapists told me i needed to use my sexual power as a woman in order to get what i wanted from men, told me i’m bad at socializing and should do group therapy, said my mom shouldn’t have encouraged me to “be myself” when i was younger because it made me less likeable than if i had conformed to normal societal standards of dressing. i had gone to “therapists” who claimed to be trained in CBT, but when i told them about my experiences with dissociation, the only feedback i got was to “take more baths.” while going through a few unpleasant experiences in my personal life, i decided i should try CBT once more, but like the real kind. i found an ivy-league educated licensed psychologist (NOT a “licensed clinical social worker” who doesn’t even have a psychology degree!!) who SPECIALIZED specifically in cognitive behavioral therapy. just after the first session, i was so elated with my experience. as opposed to just telling me that i needed to be more normal or more kind or a better person, she tried to identify WHAT was making me feel that way about myself in the first place. she pointed out the positive things i do and reassured me i was kind, good, and deserving of good things. she pointed out many aspects of my situation that would have taken me days or weeks to come to on my own. i’ve realized my hubris isn’t that i’m not socially acceptable or not perfect enough, but its just that i tend to THINK that i am these things despite having no evidence of it. so, over time with therapy, my positive self image about who i am as a person has grown and strengthened and i dont just randomly feel like a bad human being anymore lol. moral of the story, if you wanna do therapy but it keeps sucking, dont give up. go to a legit psychologist, find someone who specializes in the type of therapy you’re seeking, and also be vocal during your sessions. stand up to your psychologist when they continually push a narrative onto you, and explain why you don’t agree with it. sometimes it’s their job to try different narratives to see what fits, and if you just passively let them say what they want to, you’ll never find the truth of your experience! it’s a communal effort! therapy isn’t usually a magic cure-all where one session fixes everything that goes awry in your brain. but if you find someone who knows what they’re doing they can in fact really help your thought processes become less twisted up and more clear and healthy.

meditation and mindfulness: a few weeks ago i felt anxious and overly driven to get things done to the point where i spiraled into a space of guilt or a panic attack over not getting enough things done. meditation can be so so helpful here. it’s better to spend an hour sitting and doing nothing, but doing it peacefully and then calmly moving on to doing something else, than to spend 5 hours stressing yourself over every single thing you need to get done and how much time you’re wasting. the things that need to get done will get done. another thing that i’ve realized and say to myself a lot is: “focus not on doing all things perfectly, but on doing the small things well.” by this i mean, stop thinking about the 20 things you need to get done and how it all needs to be perfect, but instead take your time with the task that presents itself as most beneficial right now and focus on enjoying it and giving your whole self to the process. for example, stop thinking about how you need to clean your room, your closet, donate clothes, take a shower, take out the trash, read, workout, etc. think to yourself; “which task would bring me the most joy right now?” if the answer is taking a shower, then take that damn shower. bring your speaker into the bathroom, scrub every inch of your scalp with shampoo, scrub your feet and behind your ears and your neck with body wash, brush the conditioner through your hair fully. you may end your shower with 19 other things to do, but god damn if you can’t enjoy a single one of them and be present for it, what’s the fucking point! go light a candle and bask in its glow, go make your bed and huddle up in your neatly arranged covers, go take a long bath or a thorough shower, and be proud of and content with that today. 

relationships, with others and yourself: okay, if you missed the memo, my ex-boyfriend sucked. like genuinely was a bad person. he was a drug dealer, so that’s red flag number 1 (which i ignored of course), he hadn’t graduated high school (he was 18, i was 20, he was supposed to graduate the last semester but refused to do the work and ignored me and his mother when encouraged to do it, which is uhh definitely red flag number 2 which i also ignored), he habitually did not show up for dates on time or lied about what he was going to do or what he did (literally everything he did was a red flag and i rlly ignored all of it). the worst part was how he responded when i worked up the courage to speak to him about it. if we had agreed upon a time for our date but he showed up literally 8 hours late, he would blame it on me because i “could have called” him, or that i was “demanding too much of” him, or that i “should have said something earlier so now [i was] just dragging it out because it already happened.” basically, whatever narrative he pushed at me, i eventually gave into. i’ve dealt with gaslighting in a relationship before and a part of me knew what was happening to me, but a part of me also kept having hope for him, kept empathizing with him, kept wanting to believe in him. after a bit too much time, i finally realized you have to trust yourself, empathize with yourself, and believing in yourself over anyone else. at first i felt bad for him not being able to graduate because i had my own struggles with high school and getting work done. i thought he may have issues but he deserves someone to be there for him because i wanted someone to be there for me. despite the pain and stress he was causing me, i sat around crying over him because i cared about him and tend to over-empathize with people close to me, whether they deserve it or not. my therapist told me something that at first i did not understand, but over time came to grasp in its entirety: “some people do not deserve your love or kindness.” after our first session, my homework was to “consider when you are being kind and when you are being taken advantage of.” this made me realize that what feels like your instinctual nature to be nice to others, can in fact be a self-sabotaging unfair action, depending on the other person’s response. i might be dishing out a lot right now, but bear with me. think of it this way: you regard an action as a “kind action”. you might think “kind actions” include: forgiving someone for large mistakes, putting someone’s needs over yours, sparing them some change when they ask for it, listening to the problems they are dealing with every day. BUT when their actions include not forgiving you for minor mistakes, not giving a sh*t about your needs or considering them, not caring how much money they take from you and how much money you need to have around, or habitually glossing over your problems because it doesn’t benefit them to care, THEN those actions you performed are NOT “KIND ACTIONS” anymore. the act of continuing to give them leeway is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of giving them money is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of buying into their story at the expense of your sanity, is now the act of being taken advantage. basically, all i’m saying is START PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST AND TRUSTING YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL SOMEONE DOESN’T HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND. 

ending thoughts: i know quarantine is difficult right now. the desire to grow contrasted with the inability to move. maybe try and follow that old 2008~ quote; “bloom where you are planted”. you might not be able to reach the goals you thought you would during this time. you might not be able to run a marathon or make a bunch of new friends or wake up at 6 AM to workout or redo your bedroom or get a rhinoplasty or join a gym or get an internship. working towards productivity might be unrealistic right now. but you can work everyday towards becoming the woman you want to be, mentally. you can work on learning to be content, learning to make the best with what you have, learning to appreciate the little things, learning to slow down. these are all qualities that i for one want to have just as much as i want to be attractive or successful. if you can’t enjoy success, what’s the fucking point! life is on pause right now, take this moment as a gift and consider your internal world and what parts of your mind need a makeover. there are horrible things happening in the world right now, do what you can to help, but if you’re safe and healthy then be grateful for the things you can learn from this difficult time. take it slow, but keep moving forward!