#I LOVE MARIO PRINCESSES rosalina's next bitch

[datcravat]

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[fibrielsolaer]

Smash Ultimate tier list based entirely on which characters I like and which I hate

BSP = Big Sexy Personality

FBNIS = Fun, But Not In Smash

MPATBUD = Mario Princesses Are Terrifying Blow-Up Dolls

S Tier

Kirby: absolutely the man, if you don’t love Kirby you’re probably the asshole who got this roster flooded with Marth World pricks

Pikachu: He quicc. He thicc. He’ll Thunderbolt you to hicc

Except it’s a she because I only ever play Librechu ;p

Bowser: BSP

Zelda: She is so cute, I can finally stand playing as her

Pichu: He is so cute, it almost makes up for how stupid he is

Ganondorf: He’s finally fucking cool. He uses the goddamn sword now

Lucario: What if Mewtwo was a Shaolin monk hunk

I only play purple Lucario for reasons you’re best not knowing

Toon Link: He’s the cartoon that Link and Young Link watched and modeled themselves on

Ridley: HOLY SHIT IT FEELS AWESOME TO PLAY RIDLEY

I love how the game designers know he’s way too small so when you fight him in Classic Mode as Samus he gets Giant modifier

K. Rool: BSP

Piranha Plant: The pain from the pipes, this disrespectful piece of shit is so stupid he wraps around to greatness, with his inclusion I’ve changed my mind and now say fuck it, add Bandana Waddle Dee, hell add a regular Waddle Dee if you want, I don’t even care anymore

A Tier

Luigi: Few people know that he and Mario are actually identical twins, his brother merely wears a fat suit (the weight of which has crushed his spine) so they can be told apart

Ness: I like the picture you get when you play for 20 hours

C. Falcon: This is the guy who beats up Incineroar. As the positive icon of the people he never shows any emotion except for “YUS!” and “SHOW ME”. All Might was probably based on this jackass

Jigglypuff: Like so many other Pokemon, its adorable facade is a veneer for an expansive and unfathomable eldritch demon. The difference is, despite how fucking many Pokemon like that there are, nobody has found Jigglypuff’s secret and lived to tell

Young Link: He’s actually Link’s son, who idolizes his father and wants to follow in his footsteps. His dad has strayed from the path but young blood here carries on the true faith. Also, FBNIS

Mewtwo: He was the original Damn Cool Pokemon. He jockeys with Lucario for that role now but all they ever do is sit there charging their neutral Bs talking about how the planet will explode in 5 minutes

Roy: He knows that the Marth World infestation is soon to be purged, because there are like five actual Marths including him, so he decided to become the best Marth World character so he alone will survive

Pit: The only cunt from his series besides Dark Pit who had the decency not to change voice and try to pretend it was the same fucking one. I never play as him ever but Sakurai sure cared more about making him fresh & fun post-Uprising than any of his other goddamn characters

Charizard: BSP

Dedede: BSP

Bowser Jr.: This rude little shit is the guy who you invite to a party and he brings his whole crew, excuse me no I didn’t invite Wendy and Horton and Lenny and all these bitches, but fuck it y’all cool

Simon: I like his funny walk and he looks like Conan the Barbarian

Richter: I like his funny walk and he looks like a dork

Isabelle: Do you know this literal bitch killed me with a fucking stop sign 3 times before I unlocked her, why isn’t that a reaction macro

Incineroar: He pretends to be a bad guy so that kids’ heroes will beat him up on TV and they will be happy. He is so sweet

B Tier (Everyone Is Meh)

Mario: Meh

Donkey Kong: Meh

Link: The dad who strayed from the path, I really don’t like the Breath of the Wild Link, FBNIS

Fox: Meh

Sheik: Meh

Dr. Meh: Mario

Falco: Hands off my meh

Mehrth: He’s kinda cool but Roy is way cooler

Mr. Game & Watch: What an annoying asshole

Wario: It’s not the cool Wario, it’s the stupid Wario Ware one, and he brings all his obnoxious waifu friends with him. It’s Wario after he retired from his teen Youtube star days at the age of 30 and he’s trying to stay young and cool-looking but his stoner friends keep fucking it up

Solid Snake: Meh, too indirect for me, FBNIS

Squirtle: Meh-est of the Pokemon Trainer trio, he just doesn’t provoke like any reaction from me at all unlike the other two

Diddy Kong: Meh

Olimeh: This is the most boring goddamn character, everything you do you have to pluck fucks

ROB: He barely animates

Villager: I kinda wish Animal Crossing let you be an animal too. The lone human character is really boring

Mega Meh: You got: FBNIS

Little Meh: I dunno I’ve just barely ever played him

Mehninja: Maybe I should actually try playing it once ever

Duck Hunt: If there was a B-and-a-half tier I’d put this one there because you can delay the side-B and set up Snake-level GOTCHA combos, otherwise the novelty wears off fast

Ryu: He is the 2nd-least likeable guy, what a turbo douche

Bayomehtta: She’s rule 63 Dante, her game was always just a DMC ripoff that relied on her tits & ass to differentiate from it

Inkling: I like the yellow hair girl one but I ABSOLUTELY HATE THE CRINGY-ASS ASSIST TROPHY AND WILL ABSOLUTELY UNFAIRLY BLAME THE CHARACTER FOR THIS.

C Tier

Samus: She is the most FBNIS character

Ice Climber: They’re really un-cute and I hate their desync thing

Metaknight: This guy was so much cooler before he talked, or rather, before he screamed AYAYGYGYAYGYAGA

Ike: Marth World has like 2,000 characters ranging from pegasus knights to barbarians to psychic dragon-girl dancers, and yet we keep getting these boring fucking swordsmen

Pokemon Trainer: Get absolutely the fuck out you twerp you don’t even do a goddamn thing and you die the second any one of your THREE fighters is KO’d so you don’t even incorporate the actual spirit of your original character unlike literally everybody else

Venusaur: If I evolved this ugly fucker I would delete my save

Lucas: If I had an Absolutely Gone Machine that could erase anything in the world and delete everyone’s memory that it ever existed so they would shut the fuck up about it, Mother 3 would be precisely the fourth thing I deleted

Robin: Least shitty post-Melee Marth World character but I just haven’t bothered to try it out to see if it’s actually good or not, probably because I’m just too allergic to Marth World by now

Dark Samus: Cool, but why

Daisy: MPATBUD, but this one has the closest thing to a personality. Unfortunately it is a fucking terrible and horrific personality

Zero Suit Samus: hey cool Samus is Barbie now

Ken: Remember how I said Ryu was the 2nd-least likeable? Well here’s Liquid Ryu to seize the coveted spot

Cloud: Yeah hey, let’s take the one Final Fantasy protagonist with like the least connection to Nintendo, no it’s fine, every goddamn Marth World game except the one that justified its worldwide presence has a character in but we’re not gonna use Cecil or Buttz or Terra

Corrin: Any hope this bitch had to go on my “Is a dragon so I like it” list was ruined by how absolutely infuriating it is to fight against Corrin especially that one Spirit match where he spams his INSTANT FINAL SMASH THAT HAS LIKE AN INFINITELY VERTICAL HITBOX fuck this goddamn digimon

D tier

Yoshi: I’ve hated this thing ever since it stopped going BAWONKA WONKA and started going blblblblblbl

add Birdo as an Echo and I might forgive you

Peach: MPATBUD, Peach is usually able to manifest either the behavior of a real person (Paper Mario) or the appearance of one (Smash), but sadly never both, she is doomed to blow-up-dollery forevermore

Sonic: Please add any other Sonic character, any at all, I’ll even take Charmy, I fucking hate Blue Bubsy

Wolf: The only reason he is not the furry-trashiest character in Smash is because Krystal is an AT, this cocksucker deadass awoos

Wii Fit Trainer: Next to her, Mario Princesses almost look human

Rozzalinda: MPATBUD and this one is the worst, far and away the worst Mario Princess, she is the creepiest fucking woman. WHY IS IT THAT NOBODY IN MARIO ACTS LIKE A HUMAN FUCKING BEING EXCEPT THE CHARACTERS WHO AREN’T FUCKING HUMAN. tl;dr the only people who say rosalina is their waifu collect people’s faces

Mii Fighters: you dress them up to make a parody of a character and then never once actually use said parody because they are stupid

Palutena: remember in Uprising how they could make fake Palutenas, this is one of them, they have a fake Viridi too, you know it is because starting in smash 4 it is clearly two different actresses trying way too hard to sound like the old ones and i can’t get over it sorry. (also she plays like shit)

Pac-Man: I only liked him when he was a pizza

Shulk: does he ever shut the fuck up

Lucina: add a red nose and it’s Marth: Tumblr Edition

Chrom: oh fuck off

Robin’s bitchass final smash still calls this clown

even if you use it on Chrom

he is so ashamed of his audacity he fucking fucks himself

[starryeyed-char]

On Your Marks

More of the YouTuber AU!!! Find this series here on my AO3.

This is more fluff, but don’t worry I have a lot of angsty plans for this, too. Plus, lots of unrelated things coming up are also full of angst. So look forward to that, I guess. Or don’t, depending on how you look at it.

This particular one-shot features Lance, Keith, and Hunk all making an appearance on Pidge’s channel, and the four of them play Mario Kart. As you can probably guess, they all take it pretty seriously. ...hopefully you won’t be confused if you’ve never played the game.

“Hello, fellow nerds, and welcome to Pidge Plays,” Pidge began in a deadpan voice, staring at the camera blankly. “Today we're playing a game from one of the most haunting periods of the human race— Lance's childhood.”

“Wow, what a great way to introduce guests on your channel, Pidge. I could learn a thing or two from you,” Lance said, with obvious false cheer.

“As you guys can see, I have visitors,” they swept their hand at the three other people seated on the couch. “Hunk and Lance's channels will be in the description, but don't check them out because they suck. Keith's not actually a YouTuber, but you guys seemed to want him here, anyway.”

“I only came because Lance said you needed a fourth player,” Keith muttered under his breath.

“If you, for some reason, neglected to read the title to this video, then we're playing Mario Kart!” Hunk finally spoke up, doing jazz hands. Pidge shot him an unimpressed glare.

“I could be continuing my Undertale Let's Play,” they grumbled. “But nooo! If I want to get invited to come bake with Hunk, I have to let you guys come into my house and play Wii!”

“Don't... don't you mean Wii U?”

“Keith, you poor uneducated swine,” Pidge started, earning a snort from Lance. “Yes, there is a Wii U version of Mario Kart. And I, naturally, am a beast at it. But the original Wii version is much better, so that's what we're playing.”

“I like the newer one better,” Keith claimed, sitting back on the couch with his arms crossed.

“Well, you're on my channel now, bitch,” Pidge declared with a grin. “And I'm not gonna let you do whatever the hell you want, unlike loverboy over here.”

Lance pointedly ignored their comment. “He just likes the newer one because we own it, and he's managed to beat me at it, like, once.”

“The Wii U version has underwater races, and parts where you get to fly!” Keith argued. “And more characters!”

“Keith Kogane, Mario Kart elitist,” Pidge said flatly.

“Sorry, Keith, but the original is way better. You'll see,” Hunk started up the game, going through the motions of the menu. “Solo or Team?”

“Keith and I make a pretty good team,” Lance smirked at his boyfriend. “But he never does anything.”

“We're doing solo races, asshats,” Pidge seized the Player One remote from Hunk as they said this, making the settings as hard as they could possibly go.

“I'm better at Battles,” Hunk informed them mournfully, as the character select screen appeared. He almost immediately chose Baby Mario, while Pidge's cursor was on Toad in a heartbeat. The two of them had clearly played this game numerous times before.

Lance stalled in favor of watching Keith with an amused expression.

“This is why we should've played the other one,” Keith grumbled. “The character I like to use isn't even here!”

“What, Shy Guy? With the creepy mask and red cloak?” Lance failed to repress a laugh. “Oh man, what a shame. You could just be Bowser instead. He's angry, and breathes fire. The villain of the story. Definitely gives off a you vibe, don't you think?”

Keith rolled his eyes, and selected a different character. “I'll just be him.”

“What the f—?! But Koopa Troopa is my character, Keith!”

“You don't have to censor yourself on my channel, Lance. I curse all the time,” Pidge assured him, stifling a laugh.

Keith looked like he was trying not to betray his own amusement. “You wanted me to be a turtle, didn't you?”

“Yes, but not my turtle!” Lance exclaimed, exasperated. He eyed the screen again, and sighed dramatically. “Pidge, can't you be Toadette? Toad is my second favorite, and they're basically the same.”

Pidge narrowed their eyes. “Fuck you. I'll be whatever gender mushroom person I want. If they're so similar, why don't you be Toadette?!”

Lance tapped a finger to his chin thoughtfully. “If I'm going to be a girl character, then it's go big or go home,” he decided, moving his cursor over to Rosalina. “Literally.”

“Oh, not Rosalina!” Hunk complained. “The star is so distracting, and not just for you, man!”

“The star is cool,” Lance insisted. “Besides, you guys forced me into this.”

Pidge nodded grudgingly. “As long as you're not Princess Peach. I've had enough of racing against her to last me a life time.”

At Lance's confused look, Hunk elaborated. “Shiro and Allura were here the other week to play this on a live-stream. Allura decided to play as Princess Peach, and she was... unusually good at the game, for a beginner.”

“So who was Shiro, then?” Keith asked curiously.

“Funky Kong,” Pidge supplied. “At least he made an effort to be ironic with his choice.”

Lance scoffed. “Why am I not surprised?”

“Hey, you're using Rosalina,” Pidge pointed out. “Anyway, what races should we do? There are four in a cup, so we all pick one.”

“Koopa Cape,” Lance said immediately. “It's the best one.” Pidge nodded appreciatively, and selected the race.

“So, what're we playing for, anyways?” Hunk asked as he maneuvered around a particularly sharp turn. “Other than just bragging rights?”

“Do we honestly need anything other than bragging rights?” Lance grinned as his character rocketed to the front of the pack.

“I was thinking that whoever loses has to pay for the pizza we get,” Pidge suggested. “Assuming you guys want pizza.”

“Now I wish we had pizza with us, like, right now,” Hunk complained. “But seems fair to me.”

“Are you guys serious?” Keith groaned. He was nearing the back after getting a false start. “That basically guarantees I'll be paying for it!”

“Don't you mean I'll be paying for it?” Lance glared at Keith before fixing his eyes on the screen once again. “This idiot didn't even remember bring his wallet, so I'm going to have to pay for him, as usual. Still love him though, even if he's completely hopeless.”

Keith slumped further into the couch, blushing.

“You two sicken me,” Pidge declared. “But, yeah, sorry Lance you'll probably end up paying. Ooh, hey, second lap!”

They didn't make it very far past the starting line again before Lance had bumped both Keith and Pidge off the side of the cliff, sending their racers into the water below.

“That's cheating!” Keith exclaimed angrily, turning his wheel so forcefully that his newly resurrected turtle drove directly into a wall.

Lance merely shrugged, still in first place. “Hey, don't look at me. You guys are the ones that decided to be small characters, and as a large character, I can easily knock you off the course. Not my problem.”

“How about I just knock you off the couch?” Pidge asked, kicking Lance in the back to send him onto the floor. They were somehow still in third place, even after dying.

“Hey!” Lance protested. “Real life interference is cheating!”

“Why don't you knock Hunk off?” Keith demanded, now managing to race backwards. He was quickly in last place. “He's the one in second, and Baby Mario is a small character, too! If I lose, you'll be the one paying!”

“You're going to lose anyway,” Lance pointed out. “And why would I ever knock Hunk off? I need him there to intercept all the items the computer tries to throw at me.”

“I feel so loved,” Hunk sighed. “Luckily, I keep getting bananas.”

“Intercept this,” Pidge said suddenly, and they all heard the telltale sound-effect of a blue shell taking flight.

“No!” Lance desperately zigzagged around the course, trying to race faster despite his lack of mushrooms, as if he could somehow outrun it. “But I had a lead! How could you do this to me, Pidge?”

Pidge just cackled in response as the winged shell exploded on Lance, giving them just enough time to pass both him and Hunk, winding up in first place. Pidge stood on the couch, holding their Wii remote up high.

“What's next?” Hunk asked, patting Lance on the back, who was still scowling into his bowl of chips.

Keith scanned the names of the races. “Well... Moonview Highway sounds kind of fun?”

“Absolutely not,” Pidge and Lance said at the exact same time.

“Keith hasn't played this version before, and therefore should be stripped of all voting rights,” Lance decided. “Moonview Highway is an abomination.”

“Not as bad as Grumble Volcano, but agreed,” Pidge nodded. “Hunk, you choose the next race.”

“Maple Treeway?”

Lance bolted straight up. “No. Pidge knows all these crazy shortcuts on that one! They'll destroy us all!”

“Too late. We're doing Maple Treeway. This is my channel, and if you don't like it, then go back to your own.”

“Rude,” Lance sniffed, but he picked up his controller and started racing anyways.

“If you think Pidge cheated, tell us in the comments,” Lance stage-whispered to the camera. They were still doing a victory dance around the living room in time with the music from the game. Pidge, of course, had won, with Lance and Hunk coming in second and third, respectively.

“I hate this game,” Keith mumbled. He came in twelfth place. Out of twelve.

“Let's do a Battle, then!” Hunk suggested. “Coin Runners! Lance and I against you two.”

“You're pairing me up with Keith?” Pidge squawked, incredulous. “He'll drag the team down. He won't be able to get a single coin! I'll lose for sure.”

“Hey!”

“You're more than capable of carrying the team, Pidge,” Lance waved a hand dismissively. “I might even go easy on you.” He winked at Keith, who promptly ignored him.

“We're the red team,” Keith decided, and Pidge nodded eagerly.

“That makes us blue, buddy,” Lance grinned at Hunk, and high-fived him. “We got this.”

Lance and Hunk won by a long-shot, as Hunk was much better at Battles than Pidge, and Keith was absolutely hopeless at steering. Pidge turned off the Wii before their victory ceremony, however, to prevent Lance from doing a dance of his own.

“Alright, well, screw my plans for next week,” Pidge decided, pointing in all of their faces. “You three are coming over again, along with Shiro and Allura. I demand a rematch, and we're doing it tournament style. The winner between us will play the two of them. Team Versus racing, and I refuse to team up with Keith.”

Lance dusted off his shoulders with a smirk. “Don't worry, Pidge, we'll—”

“I meant that I want to team up with Hunk,” Pidge interrupted bluntly, giving him a high five as they said so.

Lance clutched his chest. “I'm wounded!” Hunk smiled apologetically.

“Sorry, Lance,” Keith shrugged. “Guess you're stuck with me.”

“I always am,” he huffed, before leaning closer to his boyfriend and speaking in an exaggerated whisper. “Don't worry, Keith, my little sister still owns the game. We'll make sure you're actually somewhat decent at it by next week.”

“Can't wait,” Keith deadpanned, far from thrilled at the prospect of spending the next week racing against Lance's fifteen-year-old sister.

“So we're all in?” Pidge asked excitedly, and the three of them nodded.

“Believe me, I'd never miss a chance to destroy you guys at Mariokart,” Lance laughed, and stood to walk out the door. “Now, let's go get some pizza.”