#I always thought it was a gross and bad aspect

[cherrysnax]

was talking to my butch last night about feelings and self perception and it’s weird that ppl see me as kind. not nice, but kind

[jinkiezzsstuff]

Hello!!!

Can I put in a writing request??

Because I love your writing!!! 🥹

Can you do (either human alastor.. or demon alastor i love both but human alastor has a chokehold on me haha) but his partner is plus size and they are very self conscious about it

Can be smut if you like (I'm waaaay okay with that)

omg yessss i’m gonna do human alastor because he does need some attention <3 also felt this personallyyyy so i did it sooo fast 🙈 ima chunky gorl myself and with summer approaching things always get tough. i lot of what i wrote here is my own personal experience and shit so i don’t want anyone to think this is something they should feel or notice or be ashamed of! Just so you know!

warnings: SMUT 18+, gender neutral but use of clit, feral alastor, Human!alastor, kinda ooc in the way he is ravenous for reader sexually, reader doesn’t know he’s a murderer, self loathing, self hate, body worship maybe, biting breifly, alastor kinda rich or whatever for the time, insecure reader, plus size reader, body part like stomach thighs highlighted, crying, husband alastor, comfort from Al. swearing, lmk if there’s anything else! NOT PROOFREAD YALL

also i wanted to use junoisded ‘s work (on IG) but i don’t think they like things reposted unless asked and i am way to shy but go check them out their human alastor is mouthhhhh watering gawd

Closing the door behind you, you sat your bag on the table a sullen look on your face. It was particularly difficult week for you, it was getting warmer in New Orleans and when it got warm what was really meant was hot humid gross. It almost felt embarrassing at times to leave the house, the clothes companies made weren’t anything like what other people wore they were hideous, and you sweat, and just felt kind of self conscious.

Especially with Alastor. His popularity grew expeditiously over the last couple of years, with people now being able to recognize his voice all around. His popularity was a gift and a curse, a gift because you didn’t have to work through the stock market issues whereas many people your age did, and a curse because more women and men alike wanted him.

You weren’t jealous because Alastor made it pretty clear he only had eyes for you, however you couldn’t stop the comparison, you usually felt decent about yourself and your looks and Alastor made you more assured in your beliefs. But as more people would recognize him, and he’d give them that charming smile, and they’d flirt, you’d get a little jealous and insecure.

You walked into yours and Alastors shared bedroom, slipping off your shoes and looking into the mirror. You wanted to buy some nice clothing for an event you and Alastor were attending within the week, it was very hush puppy as it served contraband, however you couldn’t find anything at the market, and the tailors would be just too much to ask of Alastor.

Your lip quivered not with sadness but frustration, you just wanted to be at the same level as everybody else, without the issues, and being constantly told how to eat or use your body or dress yourself. Sitting on the bed your thighs spread out around you, stomach resting atop. Tears kept flowing pitifully as you took a moment to wrap your head around your spiraling thoughts. Taking a deep breath you wrapped your arms around your back, begining to take off the clothes that stuck to your sweaty body.

‘Loose leisure clothes.’ You chanted as you shook your trousers to your ankles and opened the drawers to your dresser. You remembered as you caught sight of one of Alastors red suit jackets, a gentleman who had commented that Alastor was far too small to lend his jacket to you on a cold night, which make you feel so bad about yourself. Slamming the drawer closed you cradled your head, this wasn’t fair, you would be ten times better with yourself if people weren’t so casually cruel.

You were okay, you were loved, but it seemed in other aspects of life people had to assure you weren’t due to how you looked. “My dear, what’re you doing all dressed down like this?” Alastors voice rang out joyfully. With a jump and a squeak your arms go to cover your body, however Alastor had already turned his back for you. “I’m so sorry sweetheart! I should’ve knocked!” Even though Alastor was being respectful, a nagging voice in the back of your head told you it was because he couldn’t stand the sight of you.

“Uhm, well you can look actually…” You muttered voice just above a whisper as you rubbed your arm. Alastors hands were on his hips, elbows pointed out head facing down, then he perked up head looking behind him. Smile present on his face his eyes shamelessly drank you up. “I couldn’t find any clothes,” You mutter your throat closing as the tears returned with the thoughts of before.

Alastors body finally turned his smile falling as he watched your from recoil away from his gaze. Stepping into the room his dress shoes clinked against the wooden floor as he approached you his arms outstretched to you. Immediately you fell into his embrace holding back the urge to cry, you wanted to be as strong as he was; smiling through no matter.

However when his hand began rubbing your back, soft words of worry falling from his lips, you lost it. Burying your face into his shoulder you cried, muttering your insecurities into him as he cradled you. “And Alastor they must think i’m a joke, you’re so small compared to me.” You cried out, pulling back to look into his chocolate eyes. Quickly he pulled a handkerchief from his vest pocket, his smile now a frown as he watched tears roll down your cheeks.

“My my, that’s the best part doudou. I love having flesh to bite, grip, squeeze,” Alastor grinned speaking through his closed teeth as he gripped your waist pulling your hips to his and you looked down hiding your face at his ridiculous nickname for you. “I feel proud to be able to feed you, my mother would be proud too, she’d absolutely love you. Worry not my dearest doe, i will have anything tailored to your need, and any crude bastard to comment on you I will hand slaughter the night of thee event, just to send a little message.” Alastor puffed his chest into you, his voice strangely dark and possessive, his eyes gleaming with pride as he kneaded your flesh beneath his fingers.

You never thought about it like that Alastor being able to properly provide for you, no; that was the fun of Alastor though he always knew how to twist things into something better than. Not to mention the idea of him being willing to commit a crime for you in the midst of a serial killer going around, that was something very special to you, strangely enough.

“Alastor you’re insane sometimes, but i love you.” You grinned finally, in turn making Alastors smile return larger then ever. Hands crawling up his chest and neck, you pulled him close and into a kiss. Your immediately Alastor gave into your tug, crashing his lips quickly onto your own roughly, his body grinding into your own as he did so, impatient to show you how much you mean to him though his psychical affections.

His hands gripped every little bit of flesh they passed, trailing up and down your body rolls and all, indulging his desire for you. You moaned lightly into his mouth when you felt the hard pressure of him pressed against your thigh. Alastor pulled away biting your lip as he did so, dragging it out. His eyes were lidded and one of his perfectly gelled curls fell forward and down touching the brim of his eyeglasses. “See how quickly you make me indecent my dear? Oh sweet doe, you make me so disgusting.” Alastor whined in a way, which you’d never heard, and stuffed his head into your neck, kissing, biting and sucking at your warm neck

“Alastor i’m sweaty!” You squeal as he dragged his tongue up your neck, biting at the flesh under you chin. “I know,” He mumbled quickly barely breaking away from decorating your neck. “So stop!” You huffed noncommittally as your hands came down to rest on his shoulders, lightly pushing him. “Why my little doe, you taste better this way.”

Alastor pulled back his coy smile on display as he did so, there was something so disbelieved and feral about how he looked despite not being unkept in the slightest. You felt slightly embarrassed by him admitting he liked you sweaty, but it was also comforting knowing that things you thought made you repulsive, actually attracted him.

“Come to bed with me, chérie?” Alastor hummed slyly, pulling your wrists gently toward the direction of the bed, where he was walking. “To sleep?” You asked flatly eyebrow raised, this caused a genuine laugh to bubble out of Alastors chest his head shaking just a bit. “No, and i think you knew that.” He whispered as he tugged you into him and then down onto the bed. You tensed as he did so, sitting up on your elbows you look at him and scold him.

You paused as Alastors gaze beat down on you hotly, it was sinful how he was looking at you with that cheshire grin on his face. He pulled off his glove with his teeth and used his degloved hand to remove the other one before he undid his vest, chucking it aside carelessly. You took a deep breath your heart beating rapidly in your chest as you watched him closely.

Yes you’ve had sex with Alastor before, although neither of you had a high libido so it wasn’t often, and when it was it wasn’t needy like now, no, it was loving, passionate. Alastor tossed his shirt aside crawling ontop of you right after, groaning as he pressed his bulged into the warmth of your thighs. Whimpering you covered your eyes unable to face the lustful look he was giving you.

His warm flesh melted into yours as he lowered himself ontop of you, his skin hot and sticky from being out in the louisiana heat, his breath tickled your skin as his lips dragged around your neck teasingly. “Gosh Al, I - you’re making me feel so- please.” You moaned quietly unable to place the feeling coursing through you. A mixture of wanting to beg him to devour you and wanting to hide yourself away from his heated gestures.

“What is is it you need, my dear?” His voice was sweet like honey as he breathed his sin into your ear, hand coming up under the leg hole of your undergarments, inching closer to your core. You breath was quievered as your hands found there way to his slightly musicled biceps, sinking your nails into them. Finally he backed up on his knees, and yanked down your undergarments, making you gasp.

Your husband has never been this, it made you dizzy and confused, why has he been hiding such ravenousness from you? Alastor looked down at you with pity, your legs reflexively closed before he could get a glimpse of your pretty. “Please darling don’t be modest, I need you more then ever now. I’m a starved man don’t you know? I need your quench.” You watched him as he spoke, his eyebrows knitted his face soft as he mockingly pleaded with you while he undid the button in his slacks and soon pulled down the zipper.

With jagged breaths you watched him disrobe, pulling his cock from his boxers and stroking it for you to see. Precum dripped from the tip and down his shaft, mixing into the dark coiled public hair at the base. “Oh fuck Alastor,” You whined looking away, you heard him chuckle at an octave you’ve never heard before. “What’s wrong darling? Can’t stand to see how perverse you make me? How cruel, honestly.” He huffed before his warm hands came to grip on your knees, yanking them apart. “My dear, you’re absolutely devine, you have no idea. It’s sickeningly cruel on my part, but I can’t help but be greedy about the way I only get to have you. In a world of commons, i get the rare.” Alastors hips slotted in between your thighs like many times before but this time you were so soaked you needed no foreplay. The head of his shaft prodded at your entrance, making your hips tilt forward attempting to gain friction and contact.

“Please Al, don’t make me beg you.” You moaned quietly, ashamed of how quickly you bent to his will. Alastor grinned down at you, admiring your body relaxed and needy beneath him. There wasn’t a soul he’d replace you for, you were everything and more. He could come clean about his murders and you’d kiss his cheek and serve him some whisky for his stress, because you were family, you were his.

Alastor slid into you slowly, feeling every inch of you against him, his thighs pressed against your own, he loved the feeling of you consuming him all at once. The way your body embraced his own was heaven on earth, you were his comfort that he didn’t deserved. As he watched you beneath him gasp, shake and moan as he sunk into slowly, harshly and repeatedly, he whispered sweet nothings to you. He let out a condescending chuckle while calling you a good pet, told you your body was his to love too and for shame for berating it.

You saw stars and he would slowly pull out and slam back in, believing that was the extent of this session. However, Alastor pressed his hips fully up against your own, kneading the softness of your belly as he stilled. Leaning down he captured you in a kiss, catching you off guard. You reciprocated fisting his curly hair and pulling him closer, which in response made him growl and grunt into you. He felt you clench around him at the sound, and in the moment decided he’d show you how good you make him feel, how much he loves you.

Suddenly Alastor pulled his hips back, and grinded back down into you, his public hair tickling your swollen clit, juices from your arousal squelching as he did so. This time he wasn’t slow, his pace was even and moderate, fucking you into the mattress so hard, the springs snapped, the wood creaked and you swore the bed frame was moving. Alastor pulled away from your swollen lips burying his face in your neck, he moaned for you.

You rolled your eyes back at the sounds he made, ahs, uhs and groans that were only for you. “Oh fuck Alastor i’m gonna cum,” You squeaked clenching your toes tightly as he jackhammered into you, breathing and gasping into your ear as he felt you grip him. Alastor wasn’t proud to admit it but he was too weak to respond, instead he bit down, sucking and groaning into your skin. His pace got clumsy as you cried out in ecstasy, coiling your body around him as you came harshly.

Your arm around his back, one arm around his neck and gripping his hair, and your legs tightly locked around your hips, yeah Alastor couldn’t resist himself from shooting strings into you. Your body jolted as he came shaking your while body, his grunts and whines making your sensitive hole clench him nearer. Without a warning his body collapsed ontop of yours, a deep breath escaping him as he finally relaxed. “I’ve never felt that before dear,” Alastor admitted after a moment of silence. “Me neither, made me forget about everything.” You say hazily, your voice lifted and raw from the noises you let out.

Alastor chucked his fogged glasses to the side, pulling himself out with a huff. Smiling sweetly you watched him gently place a kiss on your stomach and walk off. Sitting up you nearly went to call after him, before his naked body came waltzing back with a rag. “Wanna have a lazy evening in chérie?” You hummed approvingly, and attempted to take the rag, he scoffed at you and lightly pushed your hand away. Softly and embarrassingly so, he cleaned you from himself, enjoying the sight while he was at it.

Once finished Alastor returned the rag as you readied the bed, wanting to cuddle with him. Coming back in Alastor went to grab you both clothes before you called to him. “Can, well- i want to feel you still?” You questioned more than said. Shutting the drawer with a slam he grinned like the little cheshire he was and crawled into bed with you. You pulled him in and he you, nuzzling yourself into his chest you whimpered at the contact, feeling various emotions run through you.

“I chose you my dear, for many reasons not only your looks, your love, your passion but your body too, I love all parts of you, and I know how thoughtless people can be, I will protect you from those comments in the future.” Alastor whispers into your head kissing the top of it right after. You caressed his chest with your nails, throwing your leg over his torso. “Thank you Alastor. I love you too, hell there’s nothing that would make me not love you.” Alastor scoffed his grin returning. “Even murder?” He questioned angling his neck to the side to meet your eyes. Smiling up at him you gave a point nod. “Even murder.”

[morganbritton132]

So does eddie ever realize that Steve's moment of "maybe I should retire" was based around the fact that he was getting death threat letters? Or is he just too excited by the prospect that he just focuses on how much fun it would be to have Steve w him all the time?

He does eventually make the connection, but it takes time.

Steve mentioned retiring before Eddie had any inkling of the letters so it’s not an obvious connection for him. Especially because Steve still talked about retiring after Eddie found out.

He’s clouded by the possibility of having it all.

Eddie loves touring. He loves every aspect of it and he loves the possibility of being able to do whatever they want whenever they want. The best times of Eddie’s life were when Steve joined Corroded Coffin on the road, and like. Eddie gets it.

Steve was meant to be a teacher. He’s good at his job and he loves it, and the world is better off because Steve was a teacher. Eddie knows that.

It’s just… it’s just that they got together and then Corroded Coffin went from playing to five drunks at The Hideout to an opening act to headlining their own tours so fast. In those early days, Steve had all these health issues that they were learning to live with and then was in school, and then was working.

And yeah, he would spend the summer on the road with the band but then it was half the summer because he had to work to pay for school or because he was teaching summer school, and then it was even less. Then it was not at all.

The idea that Eddie could have it all made him blind to what – upon reflection – was so obvious.

Eddie would make a joke about how Steve won’t be blowing him off to write lesson plans next year and miss the way that Steve would cringe. He’d point out that Steve didn’t need to buy the funny encouragement stickers at the store because this was his last year teaching and then miss the hollowness in Steve’s voice when he says, “Yeah, I guess.”

It’s not until one day when Dustin’s over. They’re planning to play some new video game that he bought and Eddie’s trying to figure out how to connect his PS5 to the tv in his studio when Dustin asks, “Is Steve okay? Like, no bad test results or anything?”

“He’s fine,” Eddie says and then after a beat, “Why? Did he say something to you?”

“No, but you always bug him until he sets this shit up for you,” Dustin points out. “And I know that he’s in bed right now. At 5 o’clock in the afternoon. On a Saturday.”

“Yeah, thanks for that, Captain Obvious,” He replies sarcastically, waving some cords at him until Dustin takes them and plugs them in the back of the tv. “He has a headache.”

“Okayyyy, so he’s been having a lot of headaches then?” Dustin asked, matching the sarcasm in Eddie’s voice. “I’ve been here a lot since the – you know, death threats. He is either in bed or laying on the couch. I haven’t seen him exercise in-“

“He’s working on that,” Eddie says. “Would you go on a run when someone knows where you live and threatened to beat you to death? Nope. He’s just… working through it. Processing and shit. He has a therapist.”

“I thought that was for his mom?”

“A therapist can have more than one purpose.”

“I’m just saying, he seems depressed,” Dustin says after a bit, completely unwilling to let it go. “He barely hangs out with Robin, he didn’t come to D&D last week, and you were literally just complaining that Steve hasn’t been – gross – in the mood lately. It seems like he’s really checked out and he only gets like that when something is wrong.”

“He’s got that make up MRI coming up,” Eddie replies, but it feels like he’s reaching. His mind is slotting together how many times they’ve eaten pizza this month or how many times he’s woken up before Steve. Last weekend, they watched Star Trek: The Next Generation and Steve didn’t even complain. “I’m sure that’s it.”

Eddie confronts Steve in the morning.

They’re eating cereal at the kitchen table and Eddie watches as Steve picks the marshmallows out of his Luck Charms before asking bluntly, “Are you dying?”

A little too bluntly because Steve startles like he’s been shocked, “What?”

“So, that’s a no?” Eddie asks, and then to Steve’s bewildered look, “Dustin’s worried that you’re dying. He says you’re acting weird, and you are. I can’t trust that you’ll tell me things anymore so… So, I’m asking, and I will take your word that you’re not going to lie directly to my face. Are you dying?”

“No,” Steve says. “No, I – Ed, I’d never keep something like that from you.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“But you ARE acting weird,” Eddie insists. “I know that the letters were a lot and they were scary, and it’s completely normal to not be okay about it, but this seems like it’s something else. You’re not doing any of your normal Steve stuff so… what’s going on?”

“I don’t – Eddie, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Okay,” He says. “You don’t have to tell me.”

“Don’t do that,” Steve tells him. “Don’t say it like you think I’m lying to you. I’m not. I – I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the letter. I didn’t know what to do, so stop… Stop treating me like you can’t trust me.”

“You’re hiding something, Steve! How can-“

“Do you know what I’m giving up?” Steve snaps, somewhere between sad and angry. He drops his spoon and pushes away from the table. “I would give up the world for you, Eddie, and I – I am! If you can’t trust me then what are we doing? I don’t want to be in my parents relationship and that’s what it feels like. I feel like I’m giving everything up so I can be here and you’re still unhappy.”

“I’m not unhappy, Steve, I’m – I’m confused! I don’t know what’s going on. What are you giving up?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters to me!” Eddie exclaims, tugging on his hair before getting up and following Steve. They’re standing in front of the kitchen sink when Eddie says, “I want to understand. What’s going-“

“I don’t want to stop teaching.”

Eddie stops, and it’s like every conversation they’ve had for the last month slots into place with brand new context and he’s – god, he’s an idiot. “Steve, baby. You don’t have to.”

“Yes, I do,” He says and he tries to smile like everything is fine. “We’re going to travel and it’s going to be really fun. It’s just hard right now.”

“I didn’t – god, Steve. I’m sorry if I pressured you into thinking that you – we travel during the summer and on spring break, and we go on dates on the weekend, and that’s enough for me, babe. I don’t need you to give up anything for me.”

“I want to.”

Eddie takes a breath and he squeezes Steve’s hand, “Would you ever make me stop playing guitar? Would you ever let me break up the band and stop making music so we could spend time together?”

“It’s different, Eddie.”

“No, it’s not,” He tells him. “It’s your life and it’s your passion, and I’m a really shitty husband if I take that from you.” 

[sturniolodreamz]

NSFW Alphabet - Chris Sturniolo

a/n - these are my personal opinions, you can respectfully disagree!

tags - @sturniol0z @ethereal-lovers @its-jennarose @angelic-sturniolos111

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

He isn't always the best at aftercare, so he usually won't do things like run you a bath, but he makes sure you are okay, and then lots of cuddles.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Let's be real, this man loves his dick. He's also a huge ass guy, so he loves sneaking looks and grabbing your ass as he walks by.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

This man would love to cum inside you, but neither of you are ready for babies. Instead, he cums on your face or in your mouth, he loves to watch you swallow his load.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Long before you started dating, he was jerking off to your pictures, or even just the thoughts of what he wanted to do to you.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

He's got a couple bodies on him. Nothing crazy, but he definitely knows what he's doing.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

DOGGY! We've all been saying this, he loved doggy, because he also loves your ass. He likes it even more if you are in front of a mirror, and he forces you to watch yourself getting fucked (and so he can still see your face.)

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Some days he definitely likes to have fun with it, other days he means business and needs to get the job done.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

He keeps it trimmed short, both yours and his preference.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

He makes sure you know how loved and special you are to him, even during the most rough sex. He doesn't want you to think he is using you just for sex.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

He doesn't jerk off often, he'd rather you do it for him. But during desperate times, he jerks off to photos or thoughts of you. He refuses to watch porn and get pleasure from seeing another girl.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

He even said it himself, he loves it when you call him daddy. He also likes choking you (with your consent). Other than that, he's not really a kinky guy unless there are things you want to try.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

He loves the classic bedroom, but if he gets the chance in the shower, car, or even a public bathroom he won't say no.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

This man is always horny, so it doesn't take much to get him turned on. Just a little teasing from you and hes ready to do some very unholy things to you.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Anything involving bodily fluids grosses him out, or anything involving hurting you (so no impact play or degradation).

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He likes giving just as much as receiving. He definitely knows his way around the vagina if you know what I'm saying.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

He strongly prefers sex on the faster/rougher side, but if you are having a bad day and just need some love he will go slow and gentle (ps, I have a fic ab this here !!)

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

He's always down for a quickie if it means another round later where he can take his time with you.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

If there's something you want to try and it's not super out there he will give it a shot, but for the most part he likes to stick with what he knows.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

He can go at least 2 rounds if you're up for it, but usually you guys stick to just one longer one.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

He let's you use a vibrator on him every once in a while, but he prefers himself to make you feel good instead of a vibrator or dildo.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He is the king of teasing, especially if you guys are in a public setting where you can't exactly sneak off together.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

He's actual more on the quiet side in terms of sounds, but he dirty talks in your ear constantly.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

He loves to smoke weed with you (oops) before having sex, he says it makes the orgasm better.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

He is on the bigger side, long but not super girthy, just enough to fill you up in all the right ways.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

As I said before, he is pretty much always shamelessly horny and will never say no to sex or a blowjob/handjob.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He gets pretty tired after he cums, which is why he prefers to have sex at night.

[pr0cyon-lotor]

I'm going to just copy and paste my notes on my headcanons for the Shen siblings here just in case I get too lazy to explain and I can just refer to this post :3

Shen Muchen = SY's da-ge

Naturally very stoic but has a bleeding heart for his family. He completely separates work and family, and he will always prioritize family over anything else.

He's not good with words and actually doesn't speak much if he can help it. He's blunt and to the point, and has the habit of back tracking if something came out too mean.

He's a creature of habit and very easy to predict if you know him.

He isn't very social and didn't make friends with many people when he was in school. Many people thought he was a sort of ice prince, nope he was just socially awkward.

He stepped up to help their parents mostly because his job doesn't require face to face interaction. He is the "heir" to the business, but he really only wants to do the administrative and logistics duties.

He had the tendency to try to bring in strays as a child. He grew out of it mostly, but he does feed strays because he feels bad. The Shen residence is constantly swarmed by cats and dogs because of this.

Shen Hongxi = SY's Er-ge

He's rather playful and cunning at times, but he is also the biggest airhead of all four siblings.

He has a tendency of forgetting about basic things sometimes. He even once asked if airplanes had to make detours when they flew towards clouds, and they had to sit him down and explain that clouds were made of water vapor/ect. (They don't let him live that one down)

He likes animals in theory but would scream if a large dog started running towards him.

He's far from gullible, but he is stupid. He's the type to let himself get kidnapped just to cross it off his bucket list and have no escape plan. Their parents assigned him a bodyguard (babysitter) because of his recklessness.

He learned a lot of instruments for the sake of their parents' approval, but now plays a few string instruments for pleasure.

He's so much more sociable than Muchen and typically takes care of the talking and networking aspect of the business for him.

Shen Yuan (these are just mostly family headcanons since my personality headcanons for SY already show in my writing)

Green eyes (not as sqq. he just has them and one can convince me otherwise.)

Has been, will be, and absolutely is a little shit because he was the baby of the family for a while.

Has the worst temper of all the siblings (which is still really mild. the siblings are just mild tempered in general)

Could probably convince his siblings to get into his hobbies if he wasn't ashamed.

The type of little sibling that would taste something gross, say it tastes good to convince someone else to taste it, and laugh once someone gags.

Shen Ling = SY's meimei

Is the baby of the family, knows it, and absolutely abuses the privileges. She probably learned how to cry on command, but barely has to use it since they just give her what she wants.

She has rather thick skin and barely twitches at insults. She does exaggerate hurt feelings to either tease people or bother those insulting her.

She is outgoing and friendly to everyone she meets but holds a grudge like a motherfucker.

She was in a lot of sports clubs, but her grades were below average. She had a tutor, but it didn't help much.

She likes reading like Shen Yuan but prefers tragic romances or mystery. She does read a lot of danmei and baihe, and has tried to recommend them to Shen Yuan in more than one occasion.

She probably tried to teach Muchen brainrot, but Shen Yuan stopped her.

General sibling knowledge:

Muchen and Hongxi only have two years setting them apart, but they have an age gap of over five years with Shen Yuan and Shen Ling, who have 2-3 years between them.

Hongxi tries to get into reading to bond with his younger siblings better, but he just can't get into it. Muchen likes reading, but he isn't a fan of the same genre and prefers poems or historical fiction.

None of them have a strained relationship with each other, but it isn't the tightest either. All of them are usually too busy (Muchen and Hongxi with the business, SY with bedrotting, and SL with sports)

They're all pretty mild tempered all things considered. But all of them are a level of protective towards each other. (Rankings: Muchen, SL, Hongxi, SY)

If they were given a chance to be closer, they would be chronic shitposters

Extra: They're all a special level of oblivious

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for writing an essay and sending it to the sheriff?

This sounds so dumb but

I grew up Christian. I still believe most of it. Me and my family have always beenlaid back, don't judge, God loves all type people. I know there are some Christians who don't believe that- we aren't that kind and they give it a bad name I get it.

But my sister. I love her, I do, but she didn't know what she wanted to do when she graduated high school. She graduated the year before me and decided she would go do this "discipleship" program a woman had given a talk on.

We both were under the impression that going to this program, she would get the necessary coursework to become a pastor. Which, technically, they did do the coursework.

Except it was a cult. 100% a cult. Not every religion is a cult, but a lot of cults have religious aspects. I know without a doubt this was a cult.

Things she went through: wasnt allowed to get a job the first year she was there and was financially dependent on the leader to find them "charity" work and "fundraising" opportunities, all had to live at apartments the leader owned and pay him rent to live there, everyone was called family, was placed on restrictive diets that eventually got less restrictive the longer you stayed, got sprayed with a water hose for being unable to memorize Scripture, weekly had to thank the leader for allowing them to be there and include him in their prayers, etc.

After the first year you are there, you get more responsibility if you come back a second year. Those who didn't come back a second year are encouraged to not be talked to. Third and fourth years are invites only, but by the third year you are so indoctrinated they invite you *anyone who showed any signs of insecurity or questioning were not invited back*. After the fourth year, every single person has joined the staff or helps work for this group.

It grosses me out and I didnt even write half of what my sister went through. My sister got out after her third year because she was in a car accident and had to do extensive therapy to recover. She is fine now, but misses the group. She is convinced it isnt a cult.

I wrote down things she has said as well as things I was told by an excommunicated member. I used citations of well known cults as examples, and even cited different models and psychological papers.

I submitted it all as evidence to the local sheriff of where the cult is based. My sister and the member were not named. My sister found out and freaked out, saying they would never take her back if they found out what I did. Then she said she was scared they would harm me. She finally doubled back and claimed it wasn't a cult and I caused a ton of innocent people to lose their jobs as well as their homes if the leader gets arrested. I hadn't thought about that and felt bad about the families and innocent kids involved.

So AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[nalyra-dreaming]

Nalyra, I came into season 2 having mixed feelings in regards to claudia I liked and disliked the character (which I think is very common! In this series with all characters at times) but after season 2 I feel like they sort of damped her character down and softened her? In a way

Don't get me wrong I loved seeing her soft moments with Madeleine and their brief happiness but I do feel like in the books she was at times more cold and calculating.

Also they kept harping on about claudia being unstable (especially in the trial) but that was only shown in season 1 after charlie and was a brief incident. She appears to be waaaay more stable than armand or lestat and yet we had all these talks about her "making it" (louis was more of a concern in that regard if we're being honest)

In a way they made her a martyr of some sorts and I think I missed the ruthlessness and spiteful aspect that was shown in season 1.

How do you feel about the overall portrayal the character had?

I think it felt ... real.

You must not forget, between NOLA and Paris there is a huge reality check for Claudia. (Which continues in Paris, ultimately, but wrt to finding other vampires here.)

Claudia left NOLA with Louis to find other vampires who are not "as bad as Lestat... or him" (Bruce). A gross miscalculation, based in her very limited experience.

And what she found was... nothing. For years and years. For years of that time she did not even talk to Louis. Which was not only because of her anger towards him I think, but also because she was feeling bitter and disappointed.

She thought Lestat had kept them from the others, which, in a way, is true. But she had not anticipated that there were only so few of them... and what kinds of vampires she would find.

And so it seemed only logical to me that, in Paris, they finally, FINALLY found vampires that promised to be what she hoped to find. Clever covens, reveling in what they were, accepting them and promising knowledge.

Jackpot, right?

Such a huge jackpot she dismissed all the red flags (that Louis saw btw).

I get her there, remember she is emotionally matured but still trapped in the hormonal upheaval of her body at all times, which means the "high" was blinding.

And the drop after, when this also turned out to be not what she had expected, must have been devastating.

Claudia in the book was more cold and calculating. She was no teenager. She was a tiny human turned so young she had no concept of being human. Very different to the show Claudia and they factored that into her portrayal, as they should.

Claudia was always set to die in the story, and yes, her death in Paris feels all the more tragic now, because she was so close to actual freedom. So, so close.

And she came back for that dinner because she found peace, love and understanding with Madeleine.

And that makes it all so much more bitter.

[cctinsleybaxter]

my personal cronenberg rankings so far:

7. the brood- truly hate this one and thought it was bad, did not finish

6. videodrome- got too grossed out, did not finish

5. naked lunch- didn't do it for me! i may be gay guy who likes bugs but i hate the beat generation more

4. the fly- got too grossed out, did finish

3. eXistenZ- you'd think what with me disliking everything else on the list so far and not giving a shit about video games and this being considered a 'lesser' cronenberg i would be a hater but you see... :-)

2. dead ringers- certain aspects of this film will always stick with me not just from a horror and filmmaking perspective but in terms of what cronenberg fans stress in his ability to write human connection in all forms as something both disgusting and necessary

the dead zone- the EYS. is gonna BREAK.

[bodycountgame]

Hello! I was a big fan of the series a while a go and it is lovely to see that you are back. I'm terribly sorry that other anons put you through a lot with the voting aspect of the game. Absolutely no one deserves death threats for a story that they are bringing to us for free. However, I am not going to lie, I always feel a bit worried when a fandom majority vote is what has long lasting effects on character life/death. It was ok when it was everyone voting with an equal effect. Now there will be a wealth gap to vote. Only people that pay can contribute. And at least where I'm from wealth looks a certain kind of way.

Since you have characters that are in a minority it feels... Bad. Maybe I'm projecting how racist and transphobic my home country is on the vote for this game. I also don't want you to feel like this is an attack on you because that is not my intent at all! I love the diversity in the love interests and it was what brought me to the game initially. I am worried that if you do a majority vote on Patreon that characters that aren't white/cis will face a harsher vote. Trans lives are in danger and I was not surprised when a nonbinary character died first. I was part of the fandom and people treated them very grossly (it actually made me step away for a bit as well). There were many options but the vocally out and proud person got the boot first. What I'm saying is I trust you more than your Patreon supporters. If the people can't all vote as one, due to the actions of some terrible people, then maybe we shouldn't vote at all

anon, i totally understand your concerns because i absolutely shared them. to be completely honest with you, i had totally misjudged which characters i thought were popular or not and watching the three non binary cast members struggle through that first vote felt Bad. my personal disappointment about ellis being the character to receive the least votes in the vote contributed in no small part to the twist in chapter 3 and their revised arc (which was Not planned when i set out writing body count hahaha). howeverrrrrr, i did learn a lot from the process.

my main motivator behind making the vote patreon exclusive was that the voters would be genuinely invested in the game and that the polling would be much harder to game or manipulate. selfishly, i also think it will reduce a certain amount of the absolute barrage of wild anons from the first time around haha!

in addition to that, though, i think its important that i reaffirm what i have said from the start: i am acutely aware that in interactive fiction in general and particularly on tumblr there is a strong preference for white male characters, and i am not here to write some kind of gross POC/women/nb slasher. as much as i want the audience to have a say in the direction the story takes, i ultimately have final say on what happens in the story that i am writing.

the main way that i intend to have oversight of the voting process is by who appears on the polls in the first place; the first poll was the last time the whole cast will be available for a vote at the same time. since ellis, one of three NB cast members, was the first character to die, i've said that neither of the other NB cast members will appear on future polls. if it's women and POC suffering in the next vote, then i'll be applying similar logic. if that means we get towards the end and we need a white boy only poll then so be it!

that said, if people cannot behave then i will simply take away their toys. although i consider the voting mechanic to be one of the things that makes body count unique and fun, i'm absolutely not above doing away with it if there are Shenanigans that spoil it, ya know?

anyway, i hope that assuages some of your concerns! sorry for another giant wall of text wow i simply cannot answer a question concisely atm

[dalishious]

hihi i was wondering how vesta gets along with the other companions??

Morrigan mentioned here.

Alistair and Vesta do not get along. Vesta initially distrusts him because of his past as a templar, though as he reveals he didn't actually want that life and is (for the most part) not like the templars she knows, this lessens. But Alistair's dislike of Morrigan starts to flood into Vesta too, since the two become so close, so fast. Then Vesta agrees to Jowan's ritual sacrifice of Isolde to save Connor, followed by becoming a blood mage herself, and this severely sours their relationship. Alistair is disgusted these choices, but there is a part of him that wonders if maybe he will be able to keep her from becoming an abomination, if he can only lead her away from what he considers a dark path. Because the thing is, Vesta has goodness in her, and that's something he didn't think blood mages were capable of having. Vesta, in turn, finds Alistair's fears annoying, but is too considerate to actually voice it (most of the time). So, they have this really unspoken unease, masked by polite banter.

Vesta enjoys Leliana's company, especially hearing her stories. Leliana finds Vesta to be a curious case; she's so used to being able to read everything about a person, but because Vesta had personhood denied from her so long, there's not much to read about her when they first meet. Like Alistair, she doesn't approve of a lot of the choices Vesta makes, but unlike Alistair, she is far more forgiving of these choices, believing that the good in Vesta outweighs the bad. And also unlike Alistair, she is far more gentle with voicing her opinions, so Vesta is a lot less annoyed.

Zevran and Vesta are best friends. She observes fairly early on that their upbringings had quite a lot in common, the only major difference being she was owned by the Chantry, and he the Crows. So, she sees a kindred spirit in him, someone to vent to, and listen to when he does the same. When Zevran talks about the nasty aspects of his time as an Antivan Crow, he is surprised with how compassionate Vesta remains, rather than either looking down at him. Zevran has always been dismissive of the tragedy he's experienced, but with Vesta, he slowly starts to allow himself to feel grief, especially for Rinna. She also helps him come to terms with having a future he can decide, seeing Vesta confronted with the same question for the first time, just like him. Zevran is one of the few in the party to always support Vesta's decisions, believing she has the right to live her own life. This kind of support means the world to Vesta. To sum it up, they help each other realize they deserve and want to live.

Wynne is a horrible reminder to Vesta of the life she wants to leave behind. She sees Wynne as someone she would have grown up into, had she not been recruited into the Grey Wardens, and that horrifies her. When Wynne tries to offer advice, Vesta usually does the exact opposite of whatever it is she says, and this frustrates Wynne greatly. When Wynne learns that Vesta has become a blood mage not long after joining the party, she is horrified. They fight about it constantly, because Wynne never quits bringing it up. And when Wynne eventually shares that she is hosting a spirit inside her, Vesta laughs in her face and calls her the biggest hypocrite she's ever known. They are bitter and hostile towards each other right to the end, only travelling together because Wynne refuses to see the warden's plight go unaided when she sees herself as a necessary part of stopping it.

Vesta pities Oghren, but every time she questions if there's more to him than she sees, he reminds her of what an inappropriate gross bastard he is.

Sten was not recruited. (Sorry, Sten fans - I usually do recruit him, but I didn't feel like it was in Vesta's character at the point of Lothering to go against the Chantry's wishes yet.)

I haven't really given thought to Shale, yet. It'll emerge when I recruit her, I guess.

[fractualized]

hi I sent that last ask and I appreciate you so much. I love how chill you are. I love that you speak up and aren't afraid of others people's opinions of you -- because you talking about that helps me realize exactly what you were talking about about.

my critical online space that shaped my brain was Tumblr growing up, much in the same way reddit or 4chan or anything else was for others, and as positive as it was and as much as I stay here, there were some HEAVY years of thought policing and performing perfectly at all times and I really think it fucked with my head!

not to trauma dump, but the way it related to starting off by policing each other in fandom just happened to spill into every other aspect of my life too. every thing is black and white. every interaction is perfect or you are flawed and not worth anything at all. people literally judging you off stupid fandom shit behind a fake name dressed up in sparkles and curiosity was enough to call you a monster who deserved to be alone. the fuck??

from fandom cops telling me that portrayals of fictional characters in my head were an actual meter that we can base if we're deserving of human connection made me think about what ELSE could be important. aren't there things a little more pressing than fictional characters?? the words I use. the way I behave. move my face. micro express, leave pauses in sentences, judged by everything! I've been taught that the LITTLEST OF INDICATIONS OF HUMANITY were going to be the death of me. I couldn't exist. all because of fictional themes that creators are allowed to make, but fans are not allowed to enjoy unless it's the "right way". even though the people CREATING it are also exploring it. rules for thee but not for me.

it's gross. I felt like a monster and when the only other people who are kind to you are monsters, it really makes you wonder why fandom cops find themselves so much morally superior to others 👹

People have told me I'm chill before and I'm always like, "excellent, they can't tell I'm yelling on the inside." 😂

Sometimes I wonder if I would be different if the show Heroes hadn't ended as such a clusterfuck. And by that I mean that my experience with that show ended on such a sour note, I wound up drifting away from fandom for 5-ish years. And it wasn't because of the Heroes fandom itself! It was because by the end I was hate-watching the show, and that kind of headspace is just no good. I wasted too much energy being mad at something that wasn't going to improve, and my other fandom interests weren't strong enough for fic, etc. I still lurked here and there, but otherwise I focused on life stuff.

At the point I left, tumblr was popular but I was still a livejournal (and journalfen) holdout. As a result, I was simply absent during the most intense tumblr years. I have a general idea of what it was like from everyone's descriptions, but from my point of view, five years passed, Telltale Batman: the Enemy Within came a-calling, I started writing fic again, and uhhhhh things sure were different.

Not entirely for the worse. For one thing, as someone who unavoidably grew older, yeah, I do keep in mind that there are children running around these parts. The increased focus on tagging your work is also good, so people can avoid what they don't want to see. And it's just always been a good general rule to be mindful when getting into sensitive topics, and I was seeing more of that.

Buuuuuuuut yeah, with that it seemed like "don't like; don't read" was out, and witch hunting was in. Some slight mistake might indicate you were actually one of the Bad Ones all the long! And everyone must know! I mean, there's always been fandom police, but fandom's mainstreamification definitely made it worse for a host of reasons. And I actually was unnerved by it for a while, even though the Enemy Within finale had me indulging in fluff. I was probably safe-- but then again who knows what blunder or improper deference to a sensitive subject could bring a swarm of strangers!

But eventually I was fluffed out, and chatting batjokes with people was giving me new ideas that would have me explore and indulge in (gasp) darker ideas. And by that point I was just like, I'm a freaking adult. I tag my shit. I'm here to have a good time with people I like, not worry about a bunch of randos who probably get as much anxiety making a cold call as I do. And yeah, why are fans supposed to be judged on a different metric than the creators?? I'm going to do what I want!

And with that rallying cry… I mean, nothing ever happened. 😂 Not the first time I've built up worries in my head for nothing.

I can see it taking me longer to get to that point if I'd fully marinated in the thought policing, though. I think people get that instinct because of the age-old lack of control elsewhere in life (especially nowadays, with all the… everything). Surely if someone can get everyone in their orbit to behave in just this way, then at least things there will be okay. Nothing bad will happen! (It's not as if rigid mindsets hurt people and their relationships, or performatively good people still do atrocious things. No, surely not.)

I don't have a good closing, so here's an Reno 911 icon from the old days:

[kat-is-laem-oa]

Chapter 1: PanDEMONium

(Next Chapter)

Mornings always proved challenging, and the comfort of his bed only made the negative feelings about his situation stronger. No amount of sunshine could brighten his mood in recent years, nor could the fluff of his blanket as the light disappeared and his room darkened once more. No extreme or mixture within gave him a sense of comfort.

His oldest friend, Raphael, made it a point to include him despite their opposing heritage. The far-too-old Shadowhunter befriending the vampiric member of Hotel DuMort would be humorous to their kin. The two species couldn’t get along despite their similar situations—being hunted for their blood.

Raphael was unique, just like his people. Eljah wished he could share the same sentiment with his own people, but he’d felt their wrath before and it was a losing game. Although, technically, he was one of a kind. He didn’t have people or true kin because he was an abomination. And abominations don’t get the luxury of friends and family.

“I’m supposed to be hiding in the shadows, not you,” Raphael sighed as he walked into the room. Candles illuminated the room and the blackout curtains prevented the deadly sunlight from getting in.

“I might as well be just as allergic as you, Rafa.”

“Hardly. Up.” Raphael lifted the plush white blanket before grasping onto Eljah’s arm. With multiple complaints and some unkind words, the small boy was upright. His hair was always messy, conscious or unconscious, to the point it became a style. Random silver strips contrasted the shadowy brown overtaking his head. Over the previous months, his hair grew longer, making him feel more feminine than he could have while growing up. If the downworld thought Shadowhunters were bad now, they could rest easy with the image of the Clave’s earlier days.

“What is the nest up to today?” The two had known each other for a long time; long enough to not shy away at the sight of skin and boxers. Eljah crossed to his dresser while Raphael spoke, jumping with the change in temperature upon contact.

“Nothing you have to worry about, even though I know you will.” Raphael laughed at the little hops Eljah made while dressing himself.

“I can’t help it. You guys are stuck with me now, so I have no choice but to care.”

Eljah slid a pair of shorts that rested low against his hips and a t-shirt that drowned him. August was his least favorite month because it was inevitably the hottest one. Manhattan sucked in the humid weather and bubbled it until a rush of cold would pop it. You either stayed in your home or flocked to an indoor business—Eljah’s goal tonight—to beat the heat.

“That is true, my mistake,” Raphael poked fun, receiving a stare from the male opposite him, “but seriously, just enjoy your night and I’ll find something for you to do this week, hm?”

“You said that last week, Santiago.”

“Damn, we are going by last names now, Winterscaar?”

“Oh, bruto gross, no. My mistake,” Eljah repeated. The two shared hushed giggles, but eventually it went silent. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but Raphael’s aura became serious; Eljah hated to watch the swirls switch from bright yellow to mushy turquoise when he went into big-brother mode.

“There’s something out there that will make you happy. I know it. Maybe it’s here in the nest or on the other side of New York. Hell, another continent. I’ll help you find it.”

“How are you gonna find it if it’s on another continent? TSA will have to mark you as combustible material before you step foot on a plane.”

“Not funny.”

“It’s a bit funny, mano…” Raphael choked back a sigh, already used to the flammability jokes.

Raphael seemed to have more to say, but a knock sounded at the door. Raphael went to check it and Eljah activated the LED lights built into all the rooms. Eljah heard basic mumbles and words of confirmation before Raphael exited, saluting to his best friend.

Eljah knew what time it was already. Every day had a clockwork aspect to them, and he’d long since adjusted to the schedule of vampires. As his day started, most ended. It made slipping into night life easier and letting himself deal with emotions in his own way: drunk and/or high.

“You don’t look 22,” the bodyguard argued. Eljah had taken the time to walk his way to the club (and pre-game smoke). He didn’t fully feel the effects, but the immediate boost in confidence after every hit had him ready to make a bold move if needed. He wanted to cave his own head in every time someone accused him of being underage.

“That seems racially motivated.” He enjoyed watching people’s faces when he threw out that card. It was a common misconception amongst those who have never met shadowhunters that they were all pale-skinned white dudes with insane amounts of tattoos. Eljah himself was technically white, but it was the minority of his genetics. His father was Puerto Rican, and he’d grown up in San Juan before integrating into the Mexico City Institute. He found New York bland compared to the colorful buildings, streets, and culture of his hometown.

The man guarding the door was not white either. “Go back home, kid.”

“Este imbécil,” rolling his amber eyes. He placed his hands upon his eyelids, allowing the energy in his bones to circulate. Within milliseconds, the silvery cover slithered over his vision and the energy connected to the bodyguard’s light and powdery one. Eljah focused on forcing a command into the other man’s consciousness.

A voice echoed, “ah, ah, ah, no need,” a veil laid itself over his magic, “it’s not nice to compel random people.”

“Do you gain anything from that?”

“Just slight amusement,” the acicalao with short, spiked hair responded, “I know every warlock in Brooklyn, but I don’t know you. Why’s that?”

“New in town.”

“Are you now? Well, then, why don’t I introduce you to a little New York nightlife, hm?”

“The only thing I need introduced to is something strong.”

“That can be arranged. Come on in.”

˚　　　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　　 . ✦　　　 　˚　　　　 . ★⋆.

Too many hyperfixations, so much to do! I'm so tired of seeing no malec x reader, they'd totally be poly in another universe.

[strid3rboy]

i was planning to wait until the end of stridercestweek to say shit but all it took was a prompt i didnt wanna do for me to burry that idea. anyway

this blog is extremely and entirely gross, age gaps are gross and pedophilia is gross, even fictional, and thats what drives people to that kind of fiction obviously, they get to be gross little squeaky teenagers in their bedroom blasting "I Ship It" screaming twincest can't really be that bad

but as much as i enjoy some ships, and as far as i wanna go to support my friends who engage in the "proshipper activities" i can't say im not.. disgusted with myself? like seriously. i thought i was above it, above the feeling of being uncomfortable. And that was my mistake, youre never above anything, youre a child who wants to feel above emotions to be different and or respected.

I always secretly enjoyed unconventional ships, i kept it to myself like the "am i gay" quizzes i took and the multiple searches of boys kissing boys on my old tablet. It was secret, something to be enjoyed when by myself outside of others judgement or acknowledgement of its existence. occasionally i would find a piece of art or writting that was so disgusting even i couldn't keep it down, in those cases i scrolled past and pretended my facade hadnt just been questioned. But the disgust i feel is only getting stronger and is now accompanied byy.. shame guilt and. puking.

the moral compass in my brain is telling me to stop this bullshit and the part of me that cares for MY wellbeing agrees because. honestly. its making me feel more bad than good these days. i see drawings of bro strider and i gag. do you know how embarrassing that is? to be so disgusted with pixels on a screen that you slip into a panic attack?

i thought shipping and letting myself ship was a healthy coping mechanism to the shit i endured as a 10 year old ( THX Xavier ) i thought that looking at the things that happened to me, but from an outside perspective, and in control of it, was making me feel better but it didn't or no longer does i guess.

outside of how it makes me feel uncomfortable, theres also the social aspect of it which. is basically the constant fear that my friends and family will find out about this disgusting shit i do and cut me off their lives. im under constant stress that SOMEONE SOMEWHERE will recognize SOMETHING i do and call me out and ill be helpless to defend myself because by then im deemed a creepy monster. i dont think i am one i dont want to BE one. im a teenager for christs sake i just enjoy strilondes from time to time.

yea all that weird monologuing i did just now like i was doing some amazing reveal is to say that. im not really sure if i wanna continue with this account. i know i like drawing this stuff, and i know i like interacting with my friends who draw this stuff. and its the only reason i even write fanfiction, but i need to step back a bit from it if i want to be healthy about it. and i probably need to block the bro strider tag.

[dissociacrip]

this is okay to rb i think, especially if you have anything to add or any insight. idk. i'm tagging this the way that i am because i'm seeking community/connection(tm) or something

hypotonia is not like. a rare thing. not really. but i do remember my OT googling what it was.

low muscle tone/hypotonia may technically be a symptom rather than a diagnosis (barring benign congenital hypotonia, which afaik is controversial) but it's the closest thing to a "diagnosis" i've been given for some of this stuff because the potential cause of it hasn't been investigated and i guess it's not exactly urgent since my particular case isn't severe and doesn't seem progressive (hypotonia can be progressive & is involved in some progressive and degenerative conditions.)

but i wish it was talked about more and i wish more was known about it works and how it affects bodily function and i wish what we DO know about it was more accessible to the public when it comes to those who suffer from it. it's also kinda hard whether to KNOW you have it or not since its "signs" have so much overlap with other conditions that aren't related to muscle tone. it ranges a lot in severity too. and there's two different types (central and peripheral.) it's linked to dozens of diagnoses too which is why i say it's not uncommon.

but also i guess due to the complexity of how it affects the body and its lack of distinctiveness with most of its symptoms makes it kinda...hard to talk about? and i imagine w/ some people it's hard to distinguish the effects of hypotonia vs. their other problems. issues with chewing, writing, breathing, speaking, posture, coordination, etc. can be due to so many different things ranging from mental to physical. but it's not always something that can be lumped together w/ those other things because there's "my muscles don't work" in a terms of chronic muscular pain vs. "my muscles don't work" in terms of, like, they lack the ability to adequately support the body and bodily movement. if that makes any sense.

which ranges from someone like me where having to hold myself up sucks + mild motor skill/coordination impairments and mild developmental milestone delays, but others never meet those milestones or need assistance with things like breathing and ingesting food.

it's not a diagnosis but it can affect the body in complex ways like muscle shortening and stiffness due to our bodies having to compensate in weird ways for the lack of adequate tone (esp those of us who grew up with it), tibial torsion and femoral anteversion, flatfoot and knock-knees, reduced cervical lordosis sometimes leading to bruxism and occipital headaches, etc. PT centered around muscle strengthening to correct my "improper" movement and stuff.

and there's other stuff that can come with it that people like to consider """gross""" like drooling, constipation and other gastric, and pelvic floor dysfunction which can result in incontinence/problems with bladder control. muscles are involved in a lot of things. wild.

i'm rambling but i just wish more people talked about it. all i really have is that one interview that surestep did with meagan veracha, who has hypotonic cerebral palsy, about living with hypotonia as an adult.

maybe i wouldn't care all that much if i had a diagnosis that would "explain it" but "i might have gHSD/hEDS" doesn't rly do that for me because ppl in those communities obviously focus a lot on the joint dysfunction aspect (because those 2 conditions center around hypermobile joints so that's just natural, it's not a bad thing per-se, barring other problems that those communities have) but for me my case of symptomatic generalized hypermobility is secondary in how it impacts me vs. my muscles being bad at their job and my hypermobility might even be secondary to my hypotonia anyway.

dyspraxia/DCD (some people with it have hypotonia but not all - i thought i had it before i was told i was identified as having hypotonia when i was a kid...over two decades late) is another guess but again that centers more around coordination than things like "anything other than lying in bed is hard on me because my muscles don't support my body like they're supposed to."

maybe muscle tone is a complex medical concept that shouldn't really enter the public lexicon but i have no other language for it.

[drdemonprince]

resource anon again here, i just read the ask where you talked about how you fantasise about a time you were abused in which you had an involuntary orgasm. i just wanted to say that it's... helpful to see someone talk about that aspect of sexual abuse in a chill way. the fact that i orgasmed, or experienced some degree of sexual pleasure during some of my assaults fucked me up for YEEEAAARRSSS. i used to be able to come so fast but now if someone else is pleasuring me i literally cannot orgasm sooner than like 1 hour and it takes unfathomable focus. and 99% of the time it's unsatisfying because it's not intuitive, shame-free, non-judgemental. i'm like fighting tooth and claw against painful intrusive memories and obsessive thoughts and it just leaves me exhausted in a bad way. i didn't even share with ANYONE that i experienced sexual pleasure during assault/s until my current psych and it was like a year after i started seeing her, i opened up about it once and that was it. it was so completely tied in with shame and disgust. anyway thanks again, this was my Confession. i hope i can fuck wild n free one day without the burden of these messy confusing thoughts and feelings

Hey anon, thanks for your message, and I am so sorry that you have been made to feel so much shame about an involuntary reaction that is not your fault, and happens to a whole lot more sexual assault survivors than gets widely talked about. It is just a thing that happens, and in fact may be a physically protective measure, because if a person's body is aroused during the experience of being assaulted, it is less likely they will experience physical damage to that area.

Our sexual responses are unusual and unexpected sometimes, and we don't always get to choose what we enjoy or how our bodies react. Your sexual assault isn't any less of a violation because you orgasmed from it. And it's not weird or gross that you did.

My experience with sexual responsiveness following the assault was something of the mirror image of yours, which I'll share because I think it's useful again in normalizing such things. The orgasm that I had while being assaulted was so sudden and intense that it cast a long shadow over all my sexual experiences afterward for while. I didn't get triggered during vanilla, consensual sex in the way people normally expect that to mean -- instead, I craved the intensity and overwhelm of the assault experience. It's not that uncommon for survivors to go numb and check out during sex, of course. But I would actively bring myself to orgasm during these moments by thinking about getting assaulted, and recalling things that were said and done to me moment-by-moment during the assault that brought me to orgasm. I would also masturbate replaying the assault for a very long time, and every now and then it's still something I'll reach for.

I don't feel any shame about this. The brain does unusual things, and draws all kinds of funny and upsetting connections at times. Perhaps this doesn't jar me so much because I have always had intrusive thoughts of violence and death but also of tenderness and childish happiness and random absurdity. I don't feel fully in control of my mind, and never have, so I can go along for the ride with what it has to offer me sometimes.

The person who assaulted me isn't able to hurt me anymore, and I feel relief and a sense of victory from the fact that I have extracted from this awful experience a ton of pleasure. At this point, almost 13 years later, I can say that jerking off to the idea of the assault has brought me so much pleasure collectively over the years that it overwhelms any pain the initial experience had. And I think that's pretty cool.

I hope that you can work through your understandable feelings of disgust and shame about your body's reaction to your assault on your own terms and in whatever way works for you. Some people cope with assault and its aftermath by age regressing, others by being celibate, others by finding a completely new sexual identity or role from what they previously enjoyed, some by becoming super vanilla, others by becoming kinky, some people just wait it out with time, and some people find a way to live with the trauma and darkness running alongside them in parallel to their life for as long as it will. There are no rules. Whatever works and feels natural to you.

I'm sure many a psychiatrist would consider me super duper fucked up for jerking off about my rape for over a decade afterward, but i'm having great orgasms and indulging my penchant for being controlled and used far more healthfully now in my relationships because I've embraced what feels like a true rush of aliveness for me, so like, fuck them and their profession as usual lol.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

reading update: January 2024

as long as I'm talking about The Gargoyle's Captive, let's discuss what else I've been reading this month.

Maeve Fly (CJ Leede, 2023) - I really liked this slender debut novel, which follows the titular Maeve Fly as she prowls LA like a homicidal alien, playing an unnamed ice princess in a certain theme park by day and indulging her murderous tendencies by night. Maeve is in a downward spiral; she's 27 years old and is preparing to lose her grandmother to illness and her only friend to a blossoming acting career. she sees no future for herself beyond losing the only two people she cares about and has no further goals, contenting herself with alcohol and porn while she rereads the same books, rewatches the same videos, and listens over and over to her playlist of Halloween music. Maeve is, it must be said, an abysmal loser, and I like her terrible melodrama a lot. I do think some of the hype is perhaps overstating the feminist credentials of this book; it sort of reminds me of when a college friend told me their favorite feminist movie was Suicide Squad (2016) because Harley Quinn was in it. Maeve talks a lot of big game about how women are always expected to have some tragedy to be deranged serial killers, while men are allowed to just do it, but it hit me as a little tryhard. there are a lot of books trying to be "the female American Psycho" right now - Eliza Clark's 2020 novel Boy Parts is frequently described as such - but it feels a bit too on the nose when Maeve's ultimate climactic rampage is directly inspired by a glimpse of the American Psycho novel. it's not that deep, but it is a gross, captivating read told from a fascinatingly cracked POV. check out Maeve Fly.

Laziness Does Not Exist (Devon Price, 2021) - yeah Devon Price is still following me (though my days are numbered, I'm sure) so it's a massive relief to say that I did like this book. Price has sort of become my self-help ride or die, mainly because a.) he's so much more self-aware than the average self-help writer that it feels kind of insulting to call him one and b.) he's actually dealing with topics that are relevant or interesting and providing actionable advice. while LDNE didn't engross me quite as hard as Unmasking Autism (while I am, famously, not autistic, I do believe in their beliefs, by which I mean I'm the token allistic among my close friends and I vastly prefer autistic company) it hit me hard in several unexpected pressure points. I'll happily admit that I can't relate to Price's interviewees who willingly work 50+ hours a week for jobs that hate them and are destroying their minds and bodies, but I still struggle to escape the perpetual sensation that a moment at rest is a moment wasted. It probably didn't help that I was reading this book while on vacation at my mother's, where I visited the beach almost daily and was so work-averse that we didn't even bother going grocery shopping because I didn't want to cook. and yet, despite getting dummy chill in some aspects of my life, I am still constantly possessed by a malevolent ghost insisting that I'm wasting my time and have never actually done Enough. maybe Price's next book, Unlearning Shame, will finally fix me; it's out in four days and god knows I'll be getting my hands on it as soon as humanly possible.

Patternmaster (Octavia E. Butler, 1976) - y'all know I love a messy political fantasy, and this is just... god, the absolute messiest. I thought Mind of My Mind was bad, but it turns out Mary's descendants are going to full-on reinvent feudalism with psychic powers, treating non-psychics as chattel and causing technological advancement to regress since they refuse to handle their problems with anything but psychic powers. and it's even got two brothers duking it out for the throne that will give them power over every bitchy psychic on earth! you love to see it. if I can be 100% honest I do think it's straight up bananagrams that this was the first book released in the series even though it's chronologically last; I genuinely cannot imagine caring enough to figure out what the fuck these people were talking about if I didn't have the previous four books for context. and even "context" may be generous; Octavia still has absolutely 0 interest in explaining what's up with the fucking outer space werewolves who are the psychics' #1 enemy. if I could have brunch with any person living or dead I would summon Butler up in a heartbeat to explain what the fuck her thought process was in plotting out this series over some mimosas, and I would take extensive notes on every word she said. an absolute genius and the uncontested queen of freak shit forever.

Thirsty Mermaids (Kat Leyh, 2021) - I purchased this graphic novel in November 2023 at a conference where I bumped into Queer Comics Peddler, my very favorite queer midwestern pop-up. running into them is always a delight, and this time I came with a question: could they give me a recommendation? the very nice people working offered up Thirsty Mermaids, which was the PERFECT companion for a long airplane ride. it's cute without being overly sappy, and avoids the trap of sacrificing a plot for the sake of checking off as many representation boxes as possible. the story is simple: three mermaids use a spell to turn into humans and go ashore in search of booze, only to realize in the morning that they don't know how to turn back. taken in by a generous bartender, they're faced with the reality of having to make money for the first time in their lives. hijinks ensue, but also a very sweet and warmhearted story about the friends looking out for one another as they try to figure out exactly where they belong and what home even means. also the artwork is GORGEOUS, with the mermaids' extremely memorable character designs being a real standout. if you're a graphic novel enthusiast, definitely check this out 🧜‍♀️

Sugar, Baby (Celine Saintclare, 2023) - Sugar, Baby came to me in a very similar way as Thirsty Mermaids: while visiting a witchy little bookstore that I was immediately charmed by, I asked the cashier what they would recommend. they offered up Maeve Fly (fab) and this novel, a stack of which was on the counter advertising an upcoming event with the author. neither have disappointed, so shout out to that one employee with the great taste! Sugar, Baby sees a young cleaner named Agnes, one of the only biracial women in her unnamed English town, befriending the daughter of a wealthy client and getting whisked away to her new friend's London lifestyle: crashing in an apartment with fellow models, staying out all night to party, and making money by going on dates with extravagantly wealthy older men. Agnes starts out having a swell time, but the cracks pretty swiftly start to form as she realizes how much more dependent she is on these men than her wealthy new friends and she begins to wonder exactly how much she's willing to diminish herself to get the bag. it's not a perfect first novel but it is a compelling one, a perfect airplane page-turner that crashes from glitzy to ghoulish and back with breakneck speed.

The Gargoyle's Captive (Katee Robert, 2023) - my full review is over on patreon for my darling supporters who want me dead (and picked this book in the first place, damn them to hell), but suffice to say this is a fun book to read if you like the sensation of your brain melting out of your nose, if you're really turned on by baby's first bdsm, you are not particularly concerned with trifling matters like "plot coherence" or "character motivation" or "writing that is complex and artful," and/or you've ever wanted to have sex with a dude whose penis is so big that you feel genuinely fear. also, hey, I forgot to include this in my patreon write-up so fuck it: Robert REFUSES to tell us what kind of food the protagonists are eating, ever. whenever they have a meal it's just "the food was placed on the table" "I took a bite" etc. drop me a HINT, man, come on! is it a protein? grain? starches? the only thing I know for sure that they're consuming is wine and a single marshmallow, and god does it show. it's just a very weird and distracting omission and it's absolutely not the worst thing about this book but it is a hill I'm willing to die complaining on.