#I am probably over explaining myself I'll stop now

[fefern]

Hiii I saw ur Scar hcs, and the TD Hybird part really piqued My interest. If Reader (gender-neutral), agreed to it, how would Scar react to it! And also Maybe, if it’s painful (because it probably is, considering it’s like shoving a whole New Lifeforce into your body) would He feel sorry for Reader? (I would feel sorry for myself if it Hurt 💀)

✧˖° scar's reaction to you agreeing to merge with a tacet discord. | scar headcanons.

⋆ ˚☁️ ⁀➴ synopsis: after some thought, you agreed to merge a tacet discord with your body just like your lover scar has kept asking you to do! how does he react, and what's the process like?

⋆ ˚☁️ ⁀➴ characters involved: scar, gender neutral reader.

⋆ ˚☁️ ⁀➴ warnings: none! no serious details of the transformation process, but if it's too much let me know and i'll change the warnings!

⋆ ˚☁️ ⁀➴ notes: hi hi pretty anon!! thank you for sending this wonderful ask in!! had me wondering for a long while how exactly scar shoved that whole other being into himself LOL!! (~ ~)" hope you enjoy this! requests are open as always! ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅ scar ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

when you first come to him with the idea, he’ll blink once. then twice. then a third time.

did he hear you right?

he’d at first be shocked that you’d agree

he’s used to asking many people to join the organization and insert a tacet discord into themselves just to be met with rejection time and time again. it's a normal part of his job.

but for you to agree? and it being his lover nonetheless!

scar is over the moon, so happy that you’re aligning with his ideals! he knew you’d come around!

he’d immediately begin talking energetically to you about the side effects that he experiences, and what it’s like being able to transform and merge your body with a whole new life form. 

it takes a lot of preparation for you two to be ready for this event, and when you’re all set up and ready to go, he’s the one that flicks the switch to begin the transformation. 

sparks fly, and a bright white light appears in an instant, almost like lighting. 

and he knows it’s a part of a process, and he knows what it’s like to be in there.

heck, he’s kind of got a manic happy expression seeing how successful the process of putting the tacet discord into you is going.

but can’t help how a small part of him feels his heart drop as he hears you scream, hears the way you’re in pain, sees the way that you’re in tears because of how painful it is.

watching you, his lover, get ripped apart in real time, and then getting pieced back together, hurts a part of him he didn’t expect to feel.

he almost wants to turn it off, to go back, but that in itself is risky. if he stops it  now, he’ll be threatening you with being seriously injured or worse, dead.

so he lets the process finish, basking in your glory and shoving down his worries before it finishes with a halt. 

some smoke appears, but when it settles, there you are.

you most likely have some new scars now or other physical changes due to the process, but he still finds you just as beautiful as you were before. 

he’ll quickly rush to your side and for the next week or so, he’s stuck to your side. his eyes are always on you, and he’s essentially nursing you back to health. 

you will be doted on to the fullest extent, and he’s suddenly the best house husband in the world.

he keeps telling you during this time how excited he is for you, how much of a stronger duo you two will be together, and how he’ll train you to be the best of the best just like he is.

but on the first night that he’s taking care of you, he’ll have his back towards you, sitting on the edge of the bed as you lay down. his tone gets softer, a little out of character for how usually smooth and charismatic he can be. after some silence, he breaks it.

“thank you for doing this for me. for a while, it felt as if this side of me was something i couldn't explain to you, but now, you truly are able to understand me for who i am. i will guide you through this new journey, and i will love you with all i can.”

probably also kisses the back of your hand after he says this KICKING MY FEET AND GIGGLING-

[mrsnancywheeler]

i am BEGGING you to write more for finnick and virgin reader. what you wrote for 🌾 anon was like the hottest thing i’ve ever read. what about him going down on reader for the first time and him explaining what he’s doing every step of the way?

by popular demand 🫡🫡🫡

when you're finally ready and all laid out on his bed, just in your underwear and you feel like you're supposed to feel more nervous but he's looking at you so lovingly, so comforting, and he's kissing you and then you can't think because his lips are so addictive. he's already walked you through him stretching you out on his fingers, wiped away your tears, but you'd insisted you wanted to keep going. by the time you've gotten off on his fingers you're desperate for more.

"you sure you wanna keep going, sweetheart? we can stop if you want."

you're whining in a plea for him to do as he pleases, "wanna go all the way, finn, promise."

"okay" and his kiss on your forehead leaves you chasing his lips, "gonna line myself up with you, honey." just the feeling of his dick sliding over you, so close to the entrance has you squirming. "it's probably gonna hurt, sweetheart, might take you a while to adjust. I'll take it slow, but I need you to tell me if it's too much. you think you can do that for me?"

you're whispering out a, "yeah" that feels nearly impossible to get out when you just want to whine in agreement

"good girl." and he can't help but chuckle when your whining again, pouting. "we're gonna go real slow, just gonna slide inside of you honey, just a little bit... fuck, you're so tight. feel so good." and your eyes slam shut, fingers wrapped in the bed sheets, "are you okay? need me to stop?"

you're shaking your head vehemently, "no"

"okay, just a little more." he's sliding in just a little bit further, "here, honey, I'm gonna touch you right where I did earlier that made you feel good and it'll help. is that okay." he excuses the lack of verbal confirmation when you're nodding over and over again, mouth opening but nothing's really coming out. "yeah?" and you're nodding again, so he's finding your clit and it's heaven on your earth the way you sound when he starts rubbing.

"oh, finnick!"

"yeah, that feels good, honey? okay gonna slide in more, you're doing so good for me." this continues until he's finally fully inside, "look at that honey, you took all of me. told you, you're perfect."

"so full, finnick."

"I know, honey, such a good girl taking me all the way. I'm gonna start moving now, okay? super slowly and you tell me if I need to stop." his fingers continued their relentless assault on your clit that had your biting your bottom lip.

"okay, please"

slowly he began thrusting in and out of you, biting down on his own lip as he went. "feel so good, honey. how are you feeling?"

"keep going." he stops to peer at you, the pain evident in your eyes, the way your nose is scrunched up

"how are you feeling?"

"it hurts, but just keep going, please."

"tell me if it gets worse, I can stop, honey, that won't upset me." but he did as you insisted and kept going

"finnick, keep going!"

"oh, she's snappy. can't be upset with you though, you feel so perfect, you are perfect"

after a while, a couple more pauses when he can tell you're in pain, you're begging him for more, "faster, please, I can take it, promise."

"if you're sure, then I'll speed up- fuck honey, so good."

"feels so weird, finn, like it did earlier."

"yeah? my good girl gonna cum for me again? it's okay, you can let go, got me so close" and he talks you through your orgasm too, "that feel good, honey? you're okay, it's okay, I'm gonna go nice and slow. you've got this, taking me so well. fuck, I'm so close, gonna pull out now honey, you're gonna feel empty, it's all gonna be okay. when I cum, is it okay if it gets on you?"

and when you're muttering it's alright and he's letting go on you, listening to you whine as he pulls out, he's addicted to you

[aishangotome]

Matthias Ausprink: As Long As You Don't Break The Law...

From A Hidden Oath: King of the BEAST (2024 Election) - Collection Event

—

(What is she doing now?)

As I walk through the familiar streets, the face of my only female friend comes to mind.

(Is she looking at this falling snow, just like me?)

(Is she breathing out white breaths, shivering from the cold?)

(If so, I wish I was there. If I was by her side, I would gently take her hand and warm her cold fingertips...)

At that moment, the image of her in my mind smiled softly -

Emma: No, it wasn't me!

When I turned my gaze, the woman I had been picturing was there, but with a bewildered expression, different from what I had imagined.

(Miss Emma, I'm glad to see you, but...)

Shopkeeper: Someone saw you break my merchandise. Confess.

Shopkeeper: If you try to run, I'll hand you over to the officials as a criminal.

(Is she being falsely accused?)

Emma: But...

The moment I saw her face turn pale as if she had lost all hope, my body moved on instinct.

Matthias: Wait, let me hear her side of the story.

When I stood in front of her protectively, she blinked in surprise.

Emma: Prince Matthias!

Matthias: You are not a person who would break the law. Therefore, I am on your side.

Matthias: It's okay, calm down and explain the situation to me.

When she looked straight into my large eyes and slowly spoke, the tension in her expression eased a little.

Afterward, I heard the situation from her, the store owner, and the people around them, and investigated the scene ---

-

Emma: Prince Matthias, thank you very much.

After clearing her name of the false accusation of "breaking the merchandise" and catching the real culprit, she bowed deeply with a formal expression.

Matthias: You don't need to thank me.

Matthias: Maintaining order is one of my jobs.

Matthias: Protecting good and righteous people is a natural thing to do as a man of Ausprink.

"Righteous people should be protected," it is also stipulated in the family precepts.

No matter who the other person was, I would have done the same thing.

(But, I may have lacked composure.)

(Normally, I would have checked the situation a little more before stepping in...)

Emma: I can't help but express my gratitude.

Emma: I was relieved when you came, Prince Matthias, when I was feeling uneasy.

Emma: Also, I was very happy when you said you were on my side.

The moment she smiled like a blooming flower, it felt like the temperature in this place suddenly rose.

For a moment, I was surprised to think that the falling snow had stopped, but there was no way that could happen.

(Is it me who is hot...?)

At the same time that I became aware of it, the question that had just arisen was also solved.

(The reason my body moved before I checked the situation was probably because I wanted to bring back this smile as soon as possible.)

Matthias: You and I are friends.

(It's not uncommon for women I meet at evening parties to smile at me, but I've never felt this way.)

(...Female friends are great.)

Emma: Hehe, you're right. But if that's the case, I feel the same way.

Emma: No matter when, no matter what happens, I am on Prince Matthias's side. Because we are friends.

(No matter when, no matter what happens, huh...)

The reason I ruminated on it in my heart was that I couldn't agree with those words.

(It's true that I think friends are allies. But there are exceptions.)

(If the other person breaks the law.)

In the past, I have judged many "former" friends who broke the law.

They were uniformly despairing when I imposed harsh sentences on my former friends.

(What I did was right. Criminals are not allies, but enemies.)

After thinking that far, I glanced at her smiling in front of me.

(She is not a person who would break the law. But if she did break the law...)

(Would I capture her, consider her an "enemy," and punish her?)

(...Of course. Otherwise, I wouldn't be a guardian of the law.)

(If you commit a crime, I will take away your warm smile myself.)

(No, not just a smile...)

Matthias: ...................

Matthias: ...Miss Emma, please never do anything that would break the law.

(I promise to be on your side as long as you don't break the law.)

(So... please.)

Emma: Of course, that's my intention... but that was very sudden, wasn't it?

Matthias: No, I just thought of it again. That's right, I'll give you a lecture again sometime.

Matthias: If you don't have enough knowledge, you might unconsciously break the law.

Emma: Um, thank you, but...

Matthias: After the lecture, why don't we eat sweets at a café? After using your brain a lot, it's best to take in sugar.

Matthias: There's a shop with an interior that you'd like, with a snowflake motif.

Matthias: In a romantic atmosphere, the two of us snuggled up... ahem, how about sometime next week?

Emma: Hehe, I'd love to join you. I'm looking forward to it.

Matthias: Yes, I'm very much... looking forward to it too.

Just having a plan with her makes the future seem even brighter.

(As expected, female friends are great.)

As I walked slowly through the snowy city, I gently tucked away the treasure-like moment in my heart.

FIN

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for asking my mother not to do certain things?

Let me start off by saying i'm homeschooled. I've been homeschooled my entire life. I don't have any friends offline, so I've pretty much come here to ask for outside opinions from my friend groups (online).

Prefer not to state ages, if that's okay. It makes me uncomfortable.

I have ocd, suspected autism, and either auditory processing disorder or misophonia (we're not sure which.) as well as a plethora of other issues. my mother is very aware that i have ocd (she has it herself) and i've mentioned misophonia to her several times. she doesn't know about my other mental issues, as for reasons you're probably going to see here, as i don't feel comfortable or safe telling her. (or, i've tried, and she doesn't listen, or tells me i'm "being dramatic.")

my ocd is quite crippling, to the point i've tried medication, herbal tea (chamomile seems to work a bit!), asking friends for advice, and even asking her for advice. as of the last year, it's had a grip on my life and has been quite a problem for me. i'm unable to do things i want or need to a lot, and especially struggle doing most things, even basic tasks. i'm unable to see a therapist/counsellor or psychologist/psychiatrist for personal/financial reasons.

a lot of my triggers (well, not exactly triggers for the ocd, but they stop me from doing things.) revolve around sound, especially people talking. whistling is a major trigger for my misophonia/apd, as are other high pitched noises.

my mother has a tendency to watch tv a lot, and i often ask her to not do this when i'm trying to do certain things, as it makes my ocd a bit worse, and it's often rather loud. (please note i wear headphones a lot of the time for sensory issues.)

however, when i ask her either to turn it down, pause it temporarily, or ask her to turn it off for a bit, she has a tendency to get mad/upset. to the point of throwing a bit of a fit over it, in a way that to me seems a bit attention seeking (in the bad way). she says things like "fine, whatever." and flaps her arms about dramatically or slaps her legs, or she says "i don't even wanna watch it now, it's ruined."

i'll go ahead and say she's a bit self-centered in a lot of ways. for years she has said i've "targeted" her and "treated her terribly" even though any time i was (to her) doing these things, i was usually defending myself or telling her to do something that she needed to do that had been requested for days/weeks/months/sometimes years. i also have a tendency to ask her what she's doing, either out of genuine curiosity, or because she has done something strange to me that i didn't understand. which she gets mad over.

she also gets mad if i ask if she's coming over here (i have a tendency to walk/pace in certain areas to music, it helps with stress/adhd/also helps me write/act things out. she is very aware of this and this isn't really a problem.) or ask how long she will be over here. she seems to think me asking this is telling her she can't come over, or desperately trying to get her to move. admittedly sometimes i DO want her to move, but 90% of the time i am just asking so i know if i need to move to a different area to walk or just stop temporarily.

sometimes when i am having a particular peak in my ocd/anxiety/whatever else, i ask her not to talk for a moment/few minutes, either so i can do something i need to, or because i'm afraid it will make it worse. she'll either get mad about this, or go on a tangent about "not catering to me" and saying things "the real world doesn't work like this, and nobody cares that you have ocd/issues." she has a tendency to take my issues as a personal attack on her, when in reality i would ask anyone to stop for a moment.

she has a tendency to belittle me in a sense for it. i've tried to explain some of it to her (without revealing details of my trauma she doesn't know about, as most of my ocd is linked to severe ptsd.) and she says it "doesn't make any sense" and i "need to stop" and i "need to just make myself stop." she has ocd, and knows compulsions are not always rational, and yet still says these things.

part of my desire not to go to a therapist is because of her. she claims they will either try to put me away take me to another home/put me in foster care, or drug me up on medication that will make me dull. (the other part is more personal, and unrelated to her, but to my aforementioned trauma.)

one of the things i especially ask her not to do is whistle, or make a few other certain noises (eating loud, using nail files around me, etc) because they are especially triggering to me. she'll either blatantly refuse and say i "don't get to tell her what to do" or i don't "control her" (please note i am just asking, but when i DO specifically tell her to stop, it is because she either already knows this sound is triggering to me, or i've already asked, and i'm losing my patience.) or she'll do it louder/more just to trigger me further (my father also does this. sometimes as a joke which in some ways is worse.) or she'll go on the "not catering + nobody cares" tangent again.

i know my ocd and other issues can be a bit interrupting, but i don't ask huge things of her or anyone else. all i ask is for them to not make certain sounds around me, temporarily ask them to not do something/stop doing something, or ask them to do it a bit quieter for me. please note she has the ability to watch tv/videos on other devices with headphones easily, she just chooses not to. and worse of all, they treat it like it's not interrupting to me, when it affects my everyday life in ways far worse than asking/telling them not to do something.

it makes me feel unwanted and unappreciated, and i'll admit, i've contemplated....not existing, if you will, many times over this issue and others.

i just don't really know if i'm asking too much, or if they're just being shitty. i want outside opinions on this.

so, AITA?

(id put a tl;dr in here, but i don't really know what to put. feel free to do it for me. also, i know this was kinda long, but i needed to put some extra things in, sorry if thats like an inconvenience or anything!)

(adding my sideblog here so i can get notifs, @ocdaitathrowaway)

What are these acronyms?

[rxmqnova]

Hey, could you write something like Yn and Wanda(or Nat, who you prefer), they are in bed, sleeping, and Yn normally cuddles, but one day, they were feeling hot or something and moves from her, so she notices that and was very sensitive and sad about that situation.

So when they woke up, she doesn't talk to Yn or kissed her, and she told her like, if she doesn't love her anymore

Cuddles

Y/N: 24 years old Wanda: 26 years old ——————————————————

Y/N'S POV Cuddling is my absolute favorite thing to do, especially with my girlfriend who gives the best cuddles in the entire world.

That's where I am now… laying in our bed, in my girlfriend's arms and watching our favorite sitcom while Wanda's running her fingers through my hair.

Lazy evenings like these are my favorite and Wanda's too. I feel like the two of us were just made for each other.

Wanda's hand stops moving soon though, so I look up only to find out my girlfriend fast asleep which brings a smile to my face. She looks literally like the most adorable human being when she's asleep. To be honest, she's always the most adorable human being, even when she's mad at me.

I carefully turn off the TV and decide to get some sleep as well. Then I cuddle up to my girlfriend again and close my eyes, trying to fall asleep.

I let out a quiet sigh after an hour of just laying and not falling asleep. I don't know why, but I feel so hot and Wanda's arms around me aren't helping it at all.

I sigh, carefully peeling Wanda off of me, and move to the edge of bed. Finally I'm not that hot, so hopefully I'll fall asleep soon.

———————————

"Good mor-" I stop myself when I don't find my girlfriend on her side of the bed.

Wanda always waits in bed until I wake up, so we can go to the kitchen and have breakfast together. I furrow my brows and sit up. Maybe she was called on a mission and didn't want to wake me up, right?

I check up my nightstand for any note from her, but not finding anything. She didn't even leave me any message on my phone. That's really weird…

I quickly put on a hoodie and sweatpants, brush my teeth and head to the kitchen. Hopefully someone will tell me what's going on.

"Oh. Hi, Nat. Have you seen Wanda today?" I ask my best friend as soon as I see her walking the same direction as me.

"Hey. Not yet. I'm just going to the kitchen for breakfast. Wanna join?" She asks with a smile, nudging my shoulder with hers.

"Yeah" I sigh out and give her a weak smile back.

"Are you okay?" Natasha furrows her brows. Ever since I joined the Avengers, Natasha has been like a big sister to me.

"Yeah. Just worried about Wanda a bit. She wasn't in our room this morning and didn't even leave me a note" I sigh.

"You're being so dramatic, Y/N. She was probably just hungry or maybe she wanted to surprise you with breakfast to bed" Natasha rolls her eyes. "Let's go" She says and pulls me to the kitchen with her. "Look who's that" She smirks, pointing at Wanda who's eating her breakfast at the table.

I furrow my brows and walk over to my girlfriend. I put my hands on her shoulders, giving them a rub with my thumbs, and kiss the top of her head.

"Good morning" I smile at her when she looks at me.

"Morning" She mumbles and gets back into eating.

I shake it off and go to prepare my own breakfast. I guess she just had a bad sleep or something.

"What would you like to do today, baby?" I ask my girlfriend with a smile, sitting down opposite her with my own breakfast.

"I'm going for a walk" She answers coldly, standing up and walking away.

"Can I go with you?!" I call after her and get no response.

"What did you do to her?" Natasha asks, sitting opposite me and gesturing at Wanda with her head.

"I didn't do anything. I don't know what's gotten into her" I sigh.

"Looks like someone's in trouble" She smirks, making me roll my eyes.

"I am not. I didn't do anything… Well, I mean… unless I did something in her dream. Wanda had a dream once that you and I kissed… She didn't speak to me for the entire week" I explain, Natasha only chuckling in response. "What?"

"Nothing. You two just belong together. Remember when you were mad at Wanda, because she cheated on you with Vision in your dream?" Natasha raises an eyebrow and my eyes widen.

"Do you think she cheated on me with Vision?! That's why she's being so distant! Oh my god! Nat! What do I do now?!" I panic, looking into Natasha's eyes and hoping for help.

"Calm down. It won't be that bad. Wanda loves you, she'd never cheat on you. Just go to talk to her and you'll see" Natasha chuckles, shaking her head.

"Right. She wouldn't cheat on me, right? I'll just ask and she'll tell me" I assure myself and take a deep breath. "Okay. Thanks, Nat"

I immediately leave the table and rush back to our room before Wanda leaves for her walk.

Should I knock or should I just walk in? I mean… we share that room, but what if I actually did something that made her mad and just don't know what?

"Okay, Y/N. You can do it" I whisper to myself and open the door, finding my girlfriend putting on her hoodie. "Can we talk?" I ask nervously, closing the door behind me slowly. I sit on the edge of the bed, hoping my girlfriend will join me and we'll talk this through.

"There's nothing to talk about" Wanda says, already walking towards the door.

"Are you cheating on me?" I blurt out on which Wanda stops and turns around to look at me.

"Me? You are cheating on me" She states, tears forming in her eyes.

"Me? I would never cheat on you, Wands… Did you have that dream again?" I ask, standing up and walking closer to her, but Wanda only takes a step back.

"I am not stupid, Y/N. It's Natasha, isn't it? You don't love me anymore?" She asks, quickly wiping away the single tear that escaped her eye.

"Of course I love you, Wanda. Natasha is just a friend. You know she's like a big sister to me. I'd never ever cheat on you, I love you more than anyone in the entire universe" I tell her honestly, taking her hands in mine.

"Why did you move away from me last night then?" Wanda asks and I furrow my brows in confusion.

"What?"

"Why did you move to the end of the bed. We always cuddle and you just moved away" She repeats.

"Wanda, I felt extremly hot for some reason and couldn't fall asleep because of that… Did you seriously think I didn't love you just because I didn't cuddle with you during the night?" I ask with a raised eyebrow. I know how sensitive Wanda is about everything I do or not do, but this makes me want to laugh to be honest.

"Stop smiling. It's not funny, Y/N. I thought you didn't love me anymore" She sighs, giving me her 'this is serious, Y/N' look.

"Okay. Sorry" I chuckle. "Wanda, baby, I can assure you that I love you the most and that I really didn't cuddle with you only because I felt hot" I smile, receiving a small smile back.

"I love you too" Her smile widens, so I lean in and peck her lips with a kiss.

"Can I join you for the walk?" I ask, giving my girlfriend a smile and interlocking our fingers.

"I would love that" She smiles in response and pecks my lips once again.

I'm really glad we solved this out that quickly and everything is back to normal. I do need to remember to never stop cuddling with Wanda, even if I feel hot again…

----------------------

I tried my best, so I hope you enjoyed it!! <33

Wanda Maximoff masterlist

Masterlist

[pollymorgan]

Coach Negan Part 4

Warning: Argument on the phone (and with the ex), Negan being Negan, blowjob in a public toilet.

As soon as my pulse has normalized again, Negan wordlessly hands me a napkin to clean up the mess between my legs. Then our food arrives. I don't really have much of an appetite, I just regret that we didn't stay at my place. I only have eyes for Negan. The incredible orgasm I just had has only made me crave more. This man brings out a side of me that I didn't even know existed. And the worst part is, that jerk knows exactly what he's doing to me and clearly enjoys it. He would just have to ask me, or rather command me, and I would probably immediately climb onto his lap and let him screw me right here in front of everyone, that's how much I wanted him.

Just as I pick up my utensils, my phone rings. The ringtone completely kills my appetite. Ringtone? Well, more like a warning signal. I've set the tone specifically for my 'ex-husband', to mentally prepare myself when he calls.

I drop the utensils in annoyance. With the words "Sorry, I have to take this!" I rummage the phone out of my bag and have to be careful not to pull my panties out along with it.

I answer the phone, "Yes?"

"Can you explain to me why you're telling our children that I'm standing them up?" he shouts aggressively into the phone.

Oh no, this is the last thing I needed. I've sworn to myself never to be the mother who drags the divorce through her children. That's why I often bite my tongue, even though he doesn't deserve it. Okay, sometimes I slip up, but even his lawyer would find it hard to justify his behavior, and besides, our kids aren't stupid, if they're stood up multiple times, they'll notice.

"If you stop shouting at me... we can continue talking, otherwise I'll hang up right away..." I say calmly and then look at Negan, "Excuse me for a moment...".

Determined, I stand up and head towards the toilets, while accusations continue to rain down on me.

At the same time as another woman, I enter the ladies' room. Annoyed, I look in the mirror and notice that my makeup has been slightly affected. I lean over the marble counter and wipe away the mascara residue with my right thumb under my eye, while supporting myself with my left elbow and pressing the phone against my ear.

Amidst his never-ending monologue, I can only interject with brief moments of "That's not true...", "Ask her yourself..." and "If you had been there, you would know..." It's all so pointless and only serves his need to vent. As usual.

I am well aware that the woman who has just left the cabin and is washing her hands next to me is eavesdropping on my conversation. But frankly, I don't care. Even when the door opens and the next person enters the room. I just hope I can end the call as quickly as possible without it completely escalating. Because if there's one thing I've learned in recent years, it's that this man is absolutely unpredictable.

I see in the mirror how the woman next to me shakes her head and leaves the room. Suddenly, my heart skips a beat as Negan appears, as if it were the most natural thing.

We maintain eye contact through the mirror and he stands very close behind me, while I am still bent over the sink.

My ex's words are no longer really registering with me. I can hear his aggressive voice, but what he's trying to tell me has been going around in circles the whole time.

However, something catches my attention again. "And what about that stunt in front of the school? Peggy told me that you embarrassed her in front of the entire student body by starting a fight with her gym teacher.. What's wrong with you?"

Now I can hardly contain my laughter, but I try to remain as serious as possible.

Defiantly, I reply, "If you actually listened to your daughter for once, you would know what a self-absorbed jerk her gym teacher is,.. Mister Smith more than deserves to have someone give him a piece of their mind..."

Negan looks at me in mock shock and mouths the words "What?". Then he gives me a pat on my outstretched bottom, which makes me flinch for a moment. Now I can't suppress my grin anymore.

I see in the mirror how Negan's eyes wander over my body and he considers what to do next. His gaze lingers on my butt. Slowly, he tries to push up my dress, under which I'm wearing nothing. I quickly straighten up and pull it back down with my right hand.

Then I turn to him and our eyes meet directly now, making my knees instantly weak. Threatening I signal him threateningly with my index finger to stop these games. But Negan immediately grabs my wrist and presses my hand directly against his crotch. When I feel how hard he already is, everything clenches in my lower abdomen. Inevitably, I bite my lip and swallow hard.

I hold the phone slightly away from my ear and clumsily try to cover the receiver.

"What's this?" I ask tensely.

"What?" Negan innocently asks, "I just want to show you how damn horny you make me, and when I see your cheeks all red like that, I'm damn sure you don't find the whole thing so bad either.."

I briefly glance over my shoulder in the mirror and see that this damn guy isn't lying. My cheeks are bright red! Why am I so damn easy to read?

I hear my ex getting louder on the phone. Annoyed, I bring the phone back to my ear. "Listen, I'm in the middle of an important business dinner, if you have problems with our children, please solve them on your own..." then I simply hang up, without waiting for his response.

After a brief moment of silence, I grab Negan and pull him purposefully into one of the toilet stalls. As soon as we both fit inside, I close the door and push him roughly against it.

I press my body tightly against his, look at him innocently, and ask softly, "What should I do now?"

"Fuck, beauty, you know damn well.." he says with a confident smile.

But it's damn fun for me to turn the tables a bit and take control.

"Oh no, I want you to tell me..." I reply assertively and give him a gentle kiss on his lips, barely touching our mouths.

"Get down on your knees and take my hard cock in your sweet mouth."

"Oh, oh what's the magic word?" I tease, while at the same time undoing his belt and reaching into his pants. When my fingers touch his hard penis, I really have to be careful not to lose my composure. But from his whole body's reaction, as he flinches, even if he tries to hide it, I see that I have just as much power over him.

I pull my hand out of his pants once more, but only to hold it up to his face.

"Spit on it!" I command. Without breaking eye contact, he lets the saliva glide onto my palm.

I immediately grasp his penis again and smoothly glide up and down with the help of the fluid. The quiet moans that Negan lets out send little electric shocks directly to my vagina.

"Please, please take it in your mouth..!" he pleads, while the sound of the next woman entering the room and going into the toilet can be heard.

"Oh, very good!" I say and slowly squat down. I pull down his pants and boxers a bit more, and his hard, perfect cock is right in front of my face. Again, I grip it and with my tongue I slowly lick up the precum that has formed on his tip.

"Come on, no more games, sweetheart.. Show me how deep you can take it in your mouth..".

His words encourage me to put them into action. I take a deep breath and then let him glide into my mouth as far as possible. Even though it's not that easy, I push him in as far as I can. And I am rewarded with a soft "Fuck, yes, just like that.." from Negan. His hand lands on the back of my head and his penis twitches deep in my mouth. I let him slide out again. "You like that, huh?" I tease him, looking up. Without taking my eyes off him, I repeat the process, and Negan's hand presses me a little further against him. When I pull away, I gasp for air. Something that clearly pleases him.

His hand moves to my face, and with his thumb, he strokes my open lips and says in a deep voice, "You're so good to me, beautiful lady.. Let me come in your mouth, and then I want you to swallow it all, understood!". In a state of excitement, I simply nod and then focus again on his penis. I lick along his shaft. I thoroughly explore every vein with my lips and then enclose it completely with my mouth. With each further touch, I feel Negan's tension more and more.

"Fuck, yes.." he says breathlessly, before the salty warm liquid lands on my tongue..

[lucy90712]

By your side- Jude Bellingham

I thought I had my life together I was engaged, planning a wedding and had just found out I was pregnant everything seemed so perfect. I don't know how it all went wrong so quickly I just came home from work to be greeted with a note from my fiancé saying he was leaving me because he had been cheating and felt he was more in love with the other woman. He was so kind to let me have the house that I bought and only took his things from it although he did leave the place in a mess doing so. To start with I didn't feel anything as I was so in shock but once it sunk in I haven't stopped crying. Luckily finances aren't a worry for me as I make a good amount of money so I can continue to pay all the bills and can afford everything for the baby but having no support has been hard especially because no one knows I'm pregnant as I'm still quite early on. 

All of this happened Friday so I haven't been back into work yet and I know I should probably take some time off to figure things out and give myself time to work through my feelings but I need the distraction I can't wallow in self pity anymore. Luckily today I just have a lot of paperwork to do so I'll be in my office just getting on with things not talking to the players who would definitely ask questions as to why I'm not wearing my ring. Something I didn't account for out of pure stupidity is all my co workers as soon as I arrived they asked about my weekend just to be nice but just being reminded of everything that happened hurt. One then asked where my ring was as I never take it off and I had to just lie and say I took it off for something and forgot to put it back on all while trying to hold back tears. 

When I was finally in the confines off my office I couldn't hold back the tears anymore my whole world has been turned upside down and here I am trying to act like everything is normal which is so much harder than I thought. Even my office still portrays my perfect life my pc background is of me and my ex fiancé and I have so many pictures of us throughout my office. In my desk draw I even have an ultrasound picture from my first ultrasound which made me think about the fact that my baby has to grow up without a dad which I was so against for my own kids as I know the struggle. 

As I was sobbing I thought I heard a knock at my office door but no one said anything so I just kept crying until I felt a hand on my shoulder which scared the living daylights out of me. Part of me wanted to punch whoever or whatever was behind me but instead I just jumped back and turned around at the speed of light. My soul came back into my body when I realised that it was just Jude although I still kind of wanted to punch him for scaring me so badly. That's when it hit me that Jude had just seen me crying my eyes out and I have to explain why I was so upset which only made me cry again thinking about it. Jude knelt down in front of me and tried to wipe my tears as they fell but he couldn't keep up so instead he tried comforting me to stop the tears altogether. 

It took a while but eventually I had no more tears left to cry and I was forced to try and regulate my breathing again. As I tried calming myself down my morning sickness kicked in at full force and my options were throw up all over Jude or try and make to to the bathroom so I picked the second option and ran towards the bathroom. I made it just in time and apparently so did Jude as I felt him gather my hair and hold it back while rubbing my back. He must think I'm insane as I've just cried in front of him for 20 minutes now I'm throwing up but his opinion of me is the least of my worries right now. 

"Are you ok?" Jude asked once I had stopped throwing up 

"Yeah I'm fine" I lied 

"Whats wrong and before you tell me there's nothing wrong I know there is no one cries that much for no reason" Jude said 

"I'm just going through a hard time" I said 

"Look you don't have to tell me but it might help to get things off your chest plus I promise I won't tell anyone" he said 

"Ok but be prepared it's a lot" I said 

"Friday night when I got home my fiancé left me a note saying he was leaving me for another woman that he'd been cheating on my with for nearly a year and to top it all off I'm 10 weeks pregnant with our baby" I explained 

"Oh wow that is a lot" he commented 

"I knew I shouldn't have said anything I'm sorry" I said suddenly feeling insecure 

"No no I don't mean it like that I just wasn't expecting you to be holding onto so much I don't know how you are even here right now I'd be wallowing in bed" Jude said which made me smile 

"Look I know we aren't extremely close but you confided in me and as long as you'll let me I want to be there to support you with anything you need and I mean anything if you need a shoulder to cry on I'll be there and if you want someone to beat up your ex I'm on it" he said completely seriously 

"Thank you your support would mean a lot just don't tell anyone at least not right now" I said 

"You got it I won't utter a word to anyone else until you are ready" he said miming zipping his mouth

~~~~~~~~~~

3 months later 

The last few months have been difficult but Jude has made my life so much easier. Every day after training he comes to my office usually with a snack of some form and just sits and talks with me as I work. He also gave me his number so anytime I need to talk I can call him or text him and he'll be right over no matter the time. He's been more caring and supportive in the last few months than my ex ever was throughout our whole relationship. I've come to realise that maybe this situation isn't all bad as if none of this had happened I'd still be with my ex settling for what I know now was a shitty relationship at best. He never cared for me he was just there and did what was necessary to stop me leaving but Jude has taught me that I deserve better as even though we are just friends I've enjoyed his company way more than my ex's.

Not only has Jude been there for me emotionally he has been physically present when I need him. He has come to some baby appointments with me he is too busy to make them all but he tries to be there as often as he can. The first time he came he didn't come in with me he just waited outside for me but the second time I let him come in and since then if he can make it he always comes in with me. It has been nice having someone else with me to keep me calm as they check that the baby is developing as they should be and having someone else there when I found out the gender was nice too. I think Jude was more excited than I was to find out I was having a girl I went sure if I wanted to find out but Jude convinced me as he wanted to plan an on theme baby shower for me so that I had some good memories of this pregnancy.

Today is the day of the baby shower and I haven't had to lift a finger Jude and some of the other boys have planned it all and are setting up. The party isn't even being hosted at my place Jude said he'd set everything up at his and he promised to pick me up so I'm literally doing nothing other than turning up. My morning was so relaxing I was able to spend as much time as I wanted getting ready doing my hair and makeup all nice and putting on my dress which I got when out with some friends as they insisted that I looked too good not to buy it. For the first time in a while I actually felt really good, pregnancy has been really hard on my self confidence but I must admit that I look good all done up. 

Jude arrived right on time to pick me up and he even brought me a cupcake in case I was hungry which at this point in my pregnancy I pretty much always am. When we arrived Jude made me close my eyes and led me all the way through his house back outside to the garden where I opened my eyes to see everyone already there and everything decorated perfectly. I nearly cried seeing everyone there for me I've felt so alone and like no one cares about me at times but knowing that they all took time out of their days to come here means so much to me. I made my way round and talked to everyone thanking them all for coming before Jude dragged me away and got me to sit next to a table which was stacked with gifts. Everyone had gotten me such lovely things and some essentials some of which I hadn't even thought about myself yet. Once I had opened everything from everyone Jude invited it was time to open the things he had gotten for me. He went completely overboard getting all sorts of really expensive items such as cribs, car seat, stroller he thought of it all. 

"Thank you so much Jude you don't need to get me all this in fact you shouldn't have it's all so expensive" I said 

"I wanted to you've had a hard time and you deserve nice things for the baby which I knew you wouldn't get for yourself" he said 

"Well thank you I don't know what else I can say or do to show you how much I appreciate all this" I said 

"You don't need to do or say anything I can tell by the tears in your eyes that you appreciate it and knowing you are happy is all I need" he said 

~~~~~~~~~~

4 months later 

So many people have told me to stop working and start my maternity leave but I just hit 38 weeks so I have a bit more time left and I don't want to waste my time off if the baby could not arrive for up to 3 weeks. I need as much maternity leave available for after the baby is here as possible as I'm the only one who will be looking after her and I can't bring myself to put her in daycare until she's closer to one which is when I'd come back to work. Working while this pregnant is difficult as I can't move as quickly as I used to and I have to pee what feels like every few minutes but I push through and get everything done with a bit of help from coworkers and Jude when he's around. 

This morning I woke up with pain in my lower back which isn't completely unusual but for some reason it felt different to the back pain I normally have. Despite the pain I got myself ready for work and drove to the training centre as that's where my office is. I made it to my office and started turned on my pc and started gathering the things I need for the day when I felt liquid tricking down my leg then it happened a big gush of what looked like water hit the floor. It felt like time stopped for a few minutes as I just stood there looking at the floor panicking slightly because as much as I tried to prepare for this moment now it's actually happening it's quite scary. Past me was prepared for this situation though as she brought spare clothes to the office a few weeks ago and I put my hospital bag in the car just incase. 

After a few minutes of panicking my rational brain kicked in and I got myself changed and found my phone so I could start timing my contractions. I waddled my way from my office down to the physios area of the training centre as I knew Jude would be there as he picked up an injury a few weeks ago so he's still getting treatment. My idea was to just deal with the contractions on my own for a while until I felt like I needed to go to the hospital but they were slightly more painful than I expected and I just didn't want to be alone. Jude had told me if I needed him he'd make himself available so I’m definitely going to take him up on that at least for a little while. 

He was exactly where I expected him to be but he definitely wasn't expecting to see me because as soon as he spotted me he told the physio to stop what he was doing and leapt off the bed towards me. There was a moment where he was clearly processing what must be going on as I never come and find him during the day and definitely not wearing comfy clothes like I am right now. It took him a second but it eventually he worked out why I was there and he looked just as panicked as I felt. 

"Oh my god are you ok do we need to go to the hospital?" He asked 

"First off I'm as good as I can be and two we can't go yet my waters have just broken I just didn't want to be alone" I said 

"Ok let me talk to Carlo and then we can go back to your office until it's time" he said 

"Wait do you need anything?" He asked before running off 

"Just some water please I didn't get chance to fill up my bottle" I said 

"Got it go back to your office and I'll be there before you know it" he said 

He wasn't wrong he got there just after I did although he did have the advantage of being able to run and not having to stop for contractions. As soon as he arrived he took over the timing of my contractions and let me squeeze his hand when I needed to although I didn't want to hurt him so I didn't squeeze too hard. Things started progressing a lot quicker than I expected and my contractions really started to hurt as they got closer and closer together which made it harder to stop myself from making too much noise like I had been. 

"Thats 5 minutes apart now" Jude said 

"It fucking feels like it" I groaned

"Do you have everything in your car?" Jude asked 

"Yeah my hospital bag and car seat are all in there" I replied 

"How about I drive your car to the hospital then so you can have everything you need" he suggested 

"That sounds like a good idea but when we get there please don't leave I don't think I can do this on my own" I said 

"I won't leave you don't worry as long as you want me there I'll be there but if you want me gone at any point just tell me it's all up to you but first let's get to the hospital" he said 

From the second we arrived at the hospital things went by so quickly I'm not sure that I remember everything that happened. What I do know is that I was already 6cm dilated when we arrived and things only progressed from there. I did a lot of walking around trying to let gravity do some of the work but when a contraction hit I couldn't keep going I had to grab onto whatever was nearest which sometimes was the bed and other times was Jude as he followed me around. 

When it got to the point that I was nearly ready to start pushing I considered whether I wanted Jude to stay because I really value the bond we've built over the last few months and I don't know if I want to ruin that by making him watch me give birth. My feelings for him go past that of just friends but of course he doesn't feel the same way as why would he want someone who's just about to birth another man's baby. Maybe having him stay would mean he doesn't want to see me again which would help me get over my feelings but then again I don't know if a harsh break in our friendship is what I need right now. In the end my fear of doing this alone won so I asked Jude if he was comfortable staying and to my surprise he said yes and promised he wouldn't look while laughing which definitely lifted the tense atmosphere in the room. 

All the doctors and nurses filed into the room and put my bed in the right position and put my legs in the foot holds on the bottom of the bed. Jude was stood right by my side as the nurses instructed me on how to breathe and when to push. It was definitely painful but the nurses and Jude kept encouraging me which kept me going even when I wanted to give up. All it took was a few minutes until I heard the most amazing sound of my daughter crying for the first time. There was no energy left in me to use to stop the tears so I just let myself cry and the tears only intensified when my baby girl was placed on my chest for the first time. She was just so perfect I don't think I've ever felt more love for anyone or anything in my life. Jude tried wiping the tears from my face but they were only replaced by more in just a few seconds. 

The nurses had to take my baby girl to do all of the necessary tests to make sure she is healthy which pained me as I just wanted to hold her but I know it's important. It was only then that I realised that I was still holding Jude's hand so I went to let go but he just held my hand tighter. I looked into his eyes and he too had tears in his eyes which made me even more emotional. His free hand pushed my hair back as it had become a mess over the many hours of labour I had been through. As he moved my hair out the way he leant down and completely unexpectedly his lips met mine in what was the best kiss I've ever had in my life. It was unexpected but I kissed him back pretty much straight away but he pulled away after a few more seconds. 

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that I crossed a line I'm sorry" he said 

"Don't be sorry I enjoyed it I've had feelings for you for a while I just didn't think you'd want me" I said 

"How could I not want the most beautiful girl in the world" he smiled 

"I hope you know I come with my mini me now" I laughed 

"I wouldn't have it any other way" he said 

[countrymusiclover]

2 - Doctor Nicknames

Part 3

Feisty Coffee Girl

Izzie and I had gone to the bathroom in the gas station since we needed some groceries and the nearest grocery store was an hour away. Holding a hand over my stomach my sister ripped open the package of pregnancy tests we had just bought. “Here it should show up in five minutes after you take it.”

“I can’t be pregnant right. Mom would be furious if I were.” I gulped nervously taking the test out of her hands going into one of the stalls.

Izzie leaned her body against the wall waiting for me. “We will worry about mom after you take the test. Right now just keep calm and do the test so we’ll have an answer.”

“Okay I’m gonna do it now.” I answered her back peeing on the stick and just sitting on the toilet until the time was up. Opening my eyes I blinked through tears so emotional about what was down in front of me.

Izzie knocked on the stall door gaining my attention. “Y/n, what does it say?”

“It uh ... .it's positive.” I croaked through tears with my sister kicking open the door since I hadn’t locked it. She helps me up to my feet getting my pants up seeing me begin uncontrollably sobbing.

She wrapped her arms around my shaking body and I cling onto her for some strength. “Shhh I’m here for you. We will get through this.”

“You really think that?” I asked her.

Izzie broke the embrace holding me by my shoulders sniffing through some tears. “You and I are extremely tough and we will get through this.”

“What do you think it's going to be? Boy or girl?” Moving my hands down to my stomach I sniffed through my own tears. Closing my eyes I paused just thinking about the choice I had to make. I could get rid of it or keep it and become a teenage mother so young.

Izzie clicked her tongue with a light smile. “I'd say girl. She'll be just as badass as you are.”

“I might hope it's a girl someday too.” I gave her a weak smile. Running one of my hands over my stomach would change everything the second the baby's father said he didn’t want to be a teen parent so I ended up on my own. “I've always liked the name Everly. I'll probably name her that.”

“Everly will be an adorable name.’ My twin sister grinned hugging me again and we just held one another.

My phone had been ringing the entire time I was driving home from work. It had been almost over two weeks since I had gotten the random guy's number. Driving towards the elementary school I was on my way to pick up my daughter from school. Caroline was only able to take her during the mornings. Pulling the car to a stop in a spot I entered the school going to her classroom. “Seriously, how many times are you going to call me.” Taking out my phone I ignored the call.

“Mommy!” Lifting my head up I saw my daughter running straight to me. Her hair getting thrown in every direction until she flung herself into my waiting arms.

Wrapping my arms around her I laughed into her hair dropping myself onto my knees. “I've missed you. I miss you all the time you're not with me.”

“Can we go get pizza?” Everly asked me when we broke the embrace.

Brushing hair out of her face I chuckled. “Sure we can. Oh one second it's your aunt Izzie….hey Izzie what's up?”

“Would you be able to come to the hospital? I am stuck here for the rest of the day and I have some gossip I really need to tell you about.” She explained through the phone.

Holding the phone up to my ear with one hand I take Everly’s with my other leading her out to the car. “Izzie I don't know if that's a good idea. I have Everly with me and we want some dinner.”

“Meredith is sleeping with one of the residents in the hospital. I think that's enough of a reason to hear the whole story.” My sister declared.

Sitting my phone in the cup holder I helped Eve get into the backseat of the car getting into my driver's seat switching the phone to speaker making our way home. “Izzie, I love you. I want to spend time with you too. But it is not a good idea to bring her to the hospital.”

“I want to see aunt Izzie.” Everly said from the backseat of the car.

Izzie heard her and kept convincing me. “See, she wants to come see me. It will be fine. I can even add on that there's pizza down in the cafeteria. So please come visit me tonight.”

“Fine Isobel Stevens. We will come to the hospital. Just do your best to not get my daughter sick because then I'll have to take care of her for two weeks.” I caved running my freehand turning the steering wheel changing in the direction of the hospital. Hanging up my phone I hoped that this would just be a good visit and the next time we could hang out at my apartment or at Meredith's house that she was living in with some of her fellow interns.

Everly was already undoing her seatbelt to get out of the car by the time I had parked us outside the hospital. Leading her inside by the hand we found my sister standing at the nurse desk with her three other friends who were Alex, Christina and George. “Aunt Izzie!” Everly removed her hand away from mine jumping up into her waiting arms.

“Oh there's my favorite little niece.” Izzie twirled her around laughing until she sat her down on her feet.

Alex came around the nurse station with a smirk on his face getting close to me. “So you’re her sister huh. I gotta say you might be hotter than Izzie is.”

“Uh…Hey Eve, I think I heard somebody say they have pizza in the cafeteria. Why don’t you go wait over there for a second and then we can go get something to eat.” Bending my knees to be her level I put my hands on my knees to be eye level with her.

Everly grinned skipping over to one of the empty waiting room seats. “Deal. Be quick, mommy.”

“Okay so what gossip were you dying to tell me that we couldn’t do at home?” I focused my attention on my twin sister with her standing in front of me.

She throws her hands up beginning to ramble off with such bright and bubbly excitement that she naturally showed off to her friends and her patients at the hospital. “The doctor that I told you Meredith slept with is the head of brain surgery and is named Derek Shepherd. But he failed to mention that he was married and then his ex wife came to work here. And now for some reason the guy who also cheated on his wife is now in the hospital in that room.”

George leaned his head to the side, getting our group's attention to focus on the open room where a guy was stitching up his own face even though Meredith was standing in front of him. “Why is he suturing his own face?”

Cristina replied. “To turn me on.”

Alex explained where I parted my mouth opened hearing he was clearly impressed. “Cause he's Mark Sloan. He's like the go-to plastic surgeon on the East Coast.”

George gasped in shock. “That's the guy Addison was sleeping with?”

“Who’s Addison?” I raised a brow at the name.

Izzie filled me in. “You can't really blame her, can you? So basically it goes like this. McDreamy is apparently been best friend up until Mark slept with Addison who was McDreamy's wife till he found them sleeping together.”

“Oh wow.” I didn't know what to say about all their crazy gossip.

Cristina said back. “No, not really.”

George gagged. “Yes you can.”

Meredith finally came around the corner entering our conversation. “McSexy wants an x-ray to check for fractures and I think it's a bad idea if I take him.”

George stammered. “Why? Why?”

Alex bolted towards the opposite direction. “I'm on it.”

George asked. “Why is it a bad idea?”

Cristina quoted. “McSexy?”

Izzie responded and Meredith made a disgusted face. “McYummy.”

Meredith and Cristina said in unison. “No.”

Meredith finally spoke up again with another nickname. “McSteamy.”

Cristina awed in agreement. “Oh there it is.”

Izzie glanced down at me. “Yep. What do you think about the nickname Y/n?”

George gagged running away the second the door open and I turned my head in the direction. “Uh, just ah choking back some McVomit.”

“I don’t see what the big fuss about him is - holy shit!” I felt my mouth hang open when a guy with dark brown hair came out wearing a black tea shirt and gray pants.

Everly spoke up. “Shit?”

“You can’t say that. Only mommy says that.” Whipping my head around I warned my daughter with a finger before putting my attention to the guy in front of our group. “I….I’ve met him.”

Christina, Meredith, Izzie and George gasped all looking over at me. “How?”

“Don’t I know you from somewhere…Feisty Blonde?” The guy that looked exactly like Mark made his way over to us. His green eyes landed only on mine and they remained there with him putting almost no gap between us. “What are you doing here, Y/n?”

Running my fingers through my hair I chuckled nervously feeling my face turn red with the interns watching our interaction. “I guess I’m meeting you for the second time, Mark Sloan.”

Comments really appreciated ❤️

[ominous-feychild]

✦ Writer Questionnaire 2 ✦

Thanks for the tag, @the-golden-comet! (And @the-letterbox-archives tagging me when I was almost done here, haha)

Heads-up! Long post!

How long have you had your writing Tumblr/Writeblr? A fast and loose estimate is fine!

Two months ago to the date actually??? Or, at least, that's when I first uploaded a story here. My first actual Writeblr post was me hopping in on an open tag on the 6th of June, haha. I thought it was just a month, but looks like the summer's gone by in a flash! 😭

What led you to create it?

So, I'm a writer on Tapas! I'd been attempting to social network on other social medias (twitter and bluesky) but wasn't getting anywhere, didn't like the general formats, and uh... I'm sure I don't have to explain why I don't want to touch Twitter with a 10-foot-pole anymore. Let's just say, if you haven't seen, it's just as bad as (if not worse than) everyone says. Anyhow, I'd seen lots of Tumblr short stories on other platforms and started investigating what it's like here. Didn't know what "Writeblr" was or that it even existed, but eventually stumbled into the field after posting my short story. Thanks, @darkandstormydolls! ❤️

What’s your favorite thing about the Writeblr community?

How supportive everyone is??? Like omg you guys are so sweet, idk how to take it. Also I love seeing how much passion everyone else has for their writing, haha.

What’s one thing you’d like your mutuals to know about you?

Uhhhh, I think I'm pretty open about the things I'd like people to know about me, haha. I never mean to offend, so if I accidentally say something wrong, please tell me! I'm autistic and very dumb.

Is there anything you’d like to see more of on your dash?

I'm ngl I keep meaning to build out my followed tags for my fandoms, haha. The only fandoms I really see things for are TMAGP (10/10, TMA is my obsession. I am obsessed. It is one of my Special Interests and I love it with all my heart) and House of the Dragon??? Except I'm not even a fan of HotD??? So that's kinda annoying, haha. (Aka, my fandom stuff, but that's on me.)

WIP it Good

Which Works-in-Progress (WIPs) or writing projects are you noodling about, lately?

Rising From the Ashes, tragically. (Because it's one of the LAST things I should be working on right now, haha.) Otherwise, I'm of course always obsessed with the Arcane Rifts. Then I force myself to be obsessed with Sun and Shadow, though it's slowly growing on me, haha.

How long have you been working on them?

Haha, so I've historically jumped around a lot in working on different things, so these are approximate guesstimations!

Rising From the Ashes has likely had 3 or 4 years put into it/the characters. If you include the Calamity Crew (which overlaps with it in the timeline and originally ended up merging with the cast of RFtA), I'd say definitely 4 years!

The Arcane Rifts has had 5 years put into it.

Sun and Shadow is very new; I'd say it probably only has about 4 months of work in it? It's part of why I'm less interested in it, haha. Less I've put into it and less I'm attached to.

Do you remember what inspired them/what got you started?

Oh... oh dear. How could you ask me this??? 😭😭😭

Rising From the Ashes has existed since, I think, 2016. It started (tragically) as an RP starter on Google+. I wish I was kidding.

To those unaware of how it worked in that space (and likely similar ones to this day), you'd post a starter and people would join in with their own characters. 99% of the time, they'd drop out before long. However, I'd work out details of the characters in the process and carry that info over into the worldbuilding. I eventually stopped RPing with the masses and settled down with a single "partner" who I'll call Kris.

She's the one who stole my docs.

The Arcane Rifts technically originated as another RP starter? It never got attention, though, and instead my ideas for it simply carried over into the worldbuilding in general.

One of the characters of the original starter was important in the worldbuilding. It was not a character you see in the early books of tAR, though, so don't bother trying to figure it out. But, since he was so important, his origins were also important.

The Arcane Rifts started in 2019, as I wanted to make a story building out said character's origins. It was originally going to be a duology, the first book being Gene's backstory and the second being how Gene and The Other Guy's lives intertwined. (No, they were not gay for each other! 😂) It's since changed a lot, and focuses basically exclusively on Gene, haha. The last book in the series will probably be focused on the other character, though!

Sun and Shadow started for a romance novel competition on Tapas which has since ended. I didn't get to finish it in time for a lot of reasons, but I primarily cite stress and exhaustion from working full time at a physically-intensive job. It grew shockingly quickly and I had some fans donate to me related to it, so I'm kinda forced to work on it, haha. Dw--I like it! It's just harder to work on for a number of reasons, haha.

How much time, in your best estimation, do you spend thinking about them?

Tragic, the questions you're asking me--

It depends, haha. I'm autistic and hyperfixate a lot. Also, for one, that's a suuuuuper vague question??? Like what do you mean "how much time"--how much time within the day? How often in general? Idk, man, haha.

I think about the Arcane Rifts a LOT!

I've put an incredible amount of time and effort into it, and I'm in love with 90% of the characters there. Even the background characters have had a lot of work put into them, getting relatively fleshed-out backstories to make their motives understandable (even if not agreeable!), and I love them all so much, haha.

Except Katerina. She's a bitch.

I also think about Rising From the Ashes a good amount, and it's invaded my brain again lately, haha.

I took a step away from RFtA and basically all of my other stories late 2021 when Kris (my ex-writing partner) and I had a falling out. It was incredibly difficult for me emotionally to look at anything I worked with her on, and obviously RFtA was a huge one (actually, tAR was the only thing of my early works she had nothing to do with). Since early this year, I've finally been able to work on it again and it's been incredibly fun removing her stuff, actually!

I think all that is a good part of why I keep randomly getting obsessed with it again, haha. It's like looking at old friends (the characters, not Kris) and being all "omg??? I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER??? PLEASE TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN UP TO!!!" except it's removing Kris's stuff, haha.

I think about Sun and Shadow a lot more than you might expect with how much I talk about not preferring it, haha. I love the characters! Crow and, actually, Valyarus especially. They're both super interesting characters, and I'll randomly find my brain working out scenes between characters interacting with them.

(The problem with SaS is that, as a book, it's incredibly different from my usual works. It's a small cast of Frey/Crow and technically Daleira, while most of my stories focus on larger casts. It makes for a VERY different experience, and so it's a lot harder to work on)

When someone asks the dreaded, “What do you write about,” question, what do you usually say?

Actually, I've got a ready answer for this one! Until SaS, I was dedicating my time to the Arcane Rifts and had prepared the answer:

Percy Jackson meets Lord of the Rings in a steampunk fantasy world full of ✨mysteries waiting to be uncovered✨

(I'd say the "mysteries waiting to be uncovered" part ironically/accidentally mockingly most of the time, whoops, haha. I always feel awkward advertising my works.)

It was awkward when people would get actually interested in it from there and ask more questions, haha.

To clarify: that's my tagline for the Arcane Rifts! The story has gods and demigods messing with mortals, using them as their playthings and being REALLY immature babies because they don't really face consequences for their actions like PJ. Then, it's a lot more "grounded yet fantastical" like LotR, where magic is kinda infused with reality and yet you still have issues like starving to death and whatnot.

Let’s Rotate Blorbos

Name any characters you created.  Side characters, protagonists, antagonists, characters who’ve never been written, the first original abomination you ever pulled from your ass; whomever you’d like!

UHHHH THERE'S A LOT TO LIST???

Try this for a taste! These are just the guys I've gotten colors for!

Freya, Crow, Daleira, Valyarus, Grimnir, Soren, Gene, Tazin, Mislav, Adilzhan, Ludmila, Rada, Caspar, Nikolai, Gennadi, Oska, Rieka, Liesel, Carmin, Nora, Sammy, Kieva, Caron, Varik, Elazi, Riaan, Roman, and Tiberius! (Though Tib is getting a name change sooner or later)

Who’s the most unhinged?

Unhinged in which way? There's a lot of options there, haha.

I'm going to give honorary mentions to Valyarus, Gene in the later books, Tazin, Rieka, Gennadi, and Tiberius ! (Why does it not surprise me that most unhinged characters are from tAR? 🤣 Also I swear it's a coincidence most of the unhinged characters are red.)

(... Probably.)

In general, I'd say that, incredibly ironically, the Existence of Order is the most unhinged of all my characters. She's just incredible at hiding it.

(Tbf half of the Existentials probably belong on the "unhinged" list anyway but eh. They still don't compare to Order!)

Who comes the most naturally for you to write?

I'm going to give this as a tie between Gene and Sammy!

Gene has my 'tisms and just about all of my trauma, so we have a lot in common, whoops, haha. Also there's a... very specific detail about his character that makes him easier to write in general. It's just a major spoiler. 👀

Similarly and actually identically to Gene in some ways, while Sammy has a lot in common with me, he's also incredibly perceptive! (Although we don't share that fact.)

Due to the way I write, their analytical natures allow for them to spit straight facts about the worldbuilding and the people around them rather than beating around the bush, haha. Both are highly investigative, try to learn and understand everything around them, and notice small details other characters wouldn't! It makes it much easier for me to write, because uh... well here's an example of what my outlines look like.

Long story short: I include a lot of detail which I then transfer into the POV's character narration, cutting out details which they wouldn't notice or think about, haha. In Sammy's case (which that scene has Sammy as the narrator/POV character), very little information gets cut out because he's so perceptive!

(Here, as a treat--have another example!)

(In this scene, Nikolai is the narrator. Even the outline gets "filtered" to mirror the characters' way of thinking--like it's Nikolai himself seeing Caspar as "doll-like". The crossed-out stuff is details I most likely won't mention, but noted for myself, haha. I do the same thing if/when including details about the motives and thoughts of non-narrator characters.)

Do you ever cringe at them?

Gene and Sammy?

A B S O L U T E L Y .

Gene is a wreck in basically every way and desperately needs help (that he won't get until he meets Dimitry). As much as I love him, there's a lot of moments where you just can't help but wince and be all "shit, did you REALLY have to do/say that?"

Sammy on the other hand? He's a terrified, control freak manipulator who panics the moment he feels like he's losing control of a situation. It can be painful to watch, even if simultaneously fascinating.

How much control do you feel you have over your characters?  AKA, do they ever “write themselves,” refuse to cooperate, or do things you didn’t expect? To what degree? Are some less cooperative than others?

I explicitly go out of my way to add backstory to and develop each and every one of my characters until they "write themselves", haha.

I want my characters to feel like real people, so I do my absolute best to make them as real as possible. (That's part of why tAR is so massive...)

Special shoutout to Dimitry here, btw. Dude COMPLETELY screwed over the planned and intended from the earliest days path of the Arcane Rifts. I've mentioned before that Gene is villain-coded, yeah? Want to know why?

Because he was MEANT to be one! Then Dimitry had to come along, be the sweetest, nicest fucking person around to Gene while he was going through the worst part of his life, and keep Gene from slipping off the deep end!

MITRY, YOU PIECE OF--

Do you enjoy people asking questions about your characters? And do you have a preferred means of receiving said questions? For example, as Asks, as replies, as reblogs, as tag notes, as comments on AO3, etc.

I absolutely love, love, love!!! people asking questions about my characters!!! 🥰

I would absolutely prefer them as Asks sent to me, and especially would prefer if separate subjects/questions were sent in separate Asks! Like, say you were going to ask me about Gene and Dimitry. I'd rather two separate Asks, one asking for whatever you wanted to know about Gene and another for whatever you wanted to know about Dimitry, haha. However, if you wanted to ask a single question about both, that obviously is fine as a single Ask!

On writeblr engagement

What makes you want to follow another Writeblr account? Do you follow ‘em as you see ‘em, or take time scoping out the blog to make sure you align with its content? Do you follow based on WIPs, or vibes?

I definitely scope out before I follow, yes.

I choose based primarily on the personality of the person behind the blog, but the WIPs/vibes can also have an influence on my decision, haha. I'd rather follow people with kind/supportive personalities, and I'll eventually start liking their stories even if they're not initially my thing!

What makes you decide against following?

Bigotry. Moment I see it, I'm on the lookout for even the slightest hint of more and, if I see it, I'm OUT!

(That includes things like: homophobia, transphobia, TERFs, ableism, racism, xenophobia, etc.)

Also, while I include angst in my stories, the people who are big on "I have nothing but bad stuff in my writing and I'm proud" are, uh... not on my "follow" list. While they can write what they want and enjoy it, grimdark is not my thing. Angst is best in moderation and I very purposely control the amount of it in my life.

(Also Kris's--my ex writing partner's--obsession with "grimdark-ness" is a good part of why I'm so ecstatic to remove her stuff from my writing. Yes, I've tried it. For years. I hated it. Please and thank you. Also note that I proudly call myself an evil writer, so it's not like I don't love angst, it's just--moderation. Seriously.)

Do you interact with non-mutuals often?

Yes! I think a good 50-30% of my interactions are with non-moots, haha. I go out of my way to try to support my moots, but I'll definitely share support with anything that catches my attention, no matter who it's from!

To be fair, though, I think a majority of non-moots I interact with are on my mental "probably going to follow soon" list. I can be slow to make decisions, haha. It doesn't help that I try being active with my moots, so I'm trying to avoid growing that list too quickly!

Do your mutuals’ characters occupy space in your noodle?

Haha, depends what you mean by that? My brain is definitely too full of my own characters to have any space for anyone else's, but I definitely do think of others' characters at times! There's plenty of y'alls characters I really like, haha.

Just... omg, my hyperfixated AuDHD brain refuses to focus on anything except for the Hyperfixation of the Moment™.

This was a huge one! Hopefully I'm not screaming into the void with this one, or you guys enjoy finding out more about me and my WIPs.

If you're curious about the reason this is labeled Writer Questionnaire 2... well guess what!

Tagging (gently! This is a lot, haha): @honeybewrites @yourpenpaldee @paeliae-occasionally @mysticstarlightduck @illarian-rambling @.darkandstormydolls (tagged you earlier in the post haha) + open tags!

Divider from @cafekitsune!

[martiandmichelle]

While at the annual conference for the southeastern gathering for my agency I wanted to do a photo op with me (age 73) and some 23-year-old models; in other words, models 50 years younger than I. Kind of like trophy photos for me. So here's one such photo with me surrounded by these two hot young ladies. We could be triplets, don't you think? 🤔😉😁

That conference was perhaps the culmination of a 4 month long revelation for me. Well, maybe revelation isn't the right word, maybe it's more like a metamorphosis which began back in November '23 on the fourth anniversary of my son's death which, for some reason, I took harder than the previous ones. Soon thereafter I came down with a drawn out battle with the RSV which was scary for this 73-year-old. Then my daughter Michelle and her wife Maria got divorced followed shortly by Roxy (my wife) and I also divorcing (new revelation in this post!). I was depressed and feeling stupidly sorry for myself. By late January my body had had enough of my mind and my heart as if to say "Get the fuck out of your doldrums! We're a team, remember! Here, I'll show the way, but you must follow!"

And did my body ever show the way! It hooked the rest of me by getting me on the fastest and most sustained breast growth which is still ongoing. So one day in February I took a look in the mirror and thought "Damn! My tits are getting beyond huge!" That got me working on the rest of me. First, Dana (my 'boss' and physical therapist) and my nutritionist (Gail) and I mapped out a healthy weight gain program which included rather strenuous exercise for someone my age (with a doctor's OK, of course). Second, I finally caved into something I had fought against for years: a face lift! I was worried as fuck that I would end up looking fake when it was done, all drawn and tight. I went to a highly respected surgeon in Texas and found my worry unfounded - I do look 25 years younger!

My doldrums, by then, were far behind me in my life's rear view mirror. As I mentioned in an earlier post, while spending the weekend with a paying customer, he was thrilled with my somewhat new look and suggested I go to the spring agency conference for the southeast US (which I hadn't gone to in years) and my ebulliency over by new look and ever-growing boobs I agreed.

And, I think, that experience has changed my life forever.

And now, here I am.

OK, I'll stop here cause I become afraid many of you guys. I wanted to start explaining everything so I can start writing about my new life. I realize this post probably raised more questions that it answered like: "Wait, did she say she and Roxy got divorced?!?" I'll get to that shortly. So hang on and we'll get started in a new direction from where I was headed.

Love,

Marti

[hyperbole-smut]

I'd like to tell you the story about how I met my first boyfriend and then had my first threesome, in that order, but I don't remember most of it because I was overstimulated. What I can do is give you the parts I do remember, and maybe you can stitch them together into something coherent.

Okay, first off, I'm a bi male, 6'0", of Arabic descent and extremely shy. My girlfriend, who instigated the threesome, was straight, 5'3", and mixed Hispanic (I'll call her Dee from here on out), and she has a thing for men who are a lot taller than her. My boyfriend was 5'8", and what Americans call redbone, and we just call red (I'll call him Dan from now on). The reason for giving the descriptions will probably help explain how things progressed the way they did, or not.

Dee's birthday had passed a week before, and my own was only a couple of weeks away when she said that she wanted a MFM threesome, since I had missed her day. She just happened to know a guy who would be willing to be the third, and she invited him to come over today to do it if I agreed. She spent the morning walking around in just some lacy panties, and would occasionally sit in my lap to try to comfort me. After about three hours of waiting, Dan showed up, and I got my first look at him. He was pretty enough, especially since I have a preference for guys like him, but that's what made me nervous. I was, and still am, closeted, and I didn't want to get into a situation where I could watch but not touch something I wanted. He, on the other hand, kept looking at me, even though Dee was there with almost everything on display.

Dee took the lead then, and undressed us both, even though I tried to hide my erection and made it more difficult for her. She then told me, in an authoritative way, that I would do everything she told me to, and I agreed without thinking. Dan, on the other hand, hardly looked at Dee, instead glancing over at me as he got most of his clothes off on his own. I remember thinking that he's probably laughing at me in his head, but he told me that he was trying to see if what Dee said was true and that I did have the bigger dick (lengthwise, no, but I am thicker than he is, and according to them both, it gets bigger once it's in).

Once we were all naked (I don't know when her panties came off, but I do remember that I was the only one standing and trying to cover myself up) she got onto her knees and said that she wanted to try fitting both of us into her mouth at once. Dan stood right next to me, and I could feel his skin touching mine all along my right side, and I didn't know whether I wanted to put an arm around his waist or to pull away. He didn't have the same problem, though, and wrapped one arm around me and took hold of Dee's head with the other. As she started licking both of our shafts, I tried concentrating on the sensation, but Dan's hand started to wander down. By the time Dee managed to get both of the heads in her mouth, his hand was cupping my ass, and I was having trouble concentrating. Dan was rocking slightly, and I could feel his cock rubbing against mine while Dee played with them both.

She stopped after a few more minutes, I think, and then told me to lie down on the couch. She then motioned to Dan, and he lay with me, our legs intertwined and our cocks right next to each other. Dee then kneeled next to the couch and started jerking us off together, occasionally licking up the precum that she didn't rub over the both of our shafts. I remember that I was still nervous, and it took me longer to get ready to cum because of that, but Dan didn't have that problem, and started moving against her hand (and me) again.

When he came, Dee kept going, but she paid more attention to my dick, and she made me start cumming before he finished. She then licked up as much as she could, and pulled us both into a sitting position. She put her hand behind my head and pulled me into a kiss, and I was absently grinding against Dan as I got my first taste of our mixed cum. Ske turned away from me, without breaking contact with my face (causing some of the cum on her cheek to smear against mine) and gave Dan a similar kiss. By then my inhibitions were mostly gone, and when she turned both of our faces to each other, I traded my first kiss with another man.

While I was getting caught up in the kiss, Dee found that this was extremely erotic to her, and she leaned back to start fingering herself as I started getting into what I was doing. She kept it up until we both felt something warm splash against us, and saw her flailing around, squirting and still trying to rub her clit. As I leaned over to her, Dan's hand came down between us, and he started rubbing both of our shafts again.

I was fully hard again by the time Dee calmed down, and she pulled me down and onto her, saying she wanted me inside right now. I didn't waste time, and once I fully entered her, she wrapped her legs around me and she gestured to Dan. I felt him move off of the couch and behind me, but it was only when he and Dee spread me open that I guessed what was going to happen.

Feeling him slide into me, with some of our cum and his own precum acting as lube, was almost a holy experience. The feeling of being filled, while being wrapped in the silky tightness of Dee, made me feel like this was where I belonged. Being embraced by the both of them, as well as the sensation of Dan moving inside of me, was more than I could process, and I simply enjoyed the sensations until my partners came. Dee came first, clawing at my back and grinding her clit against me as she tightened and tried milking the cum out of my cock before I was ready. Then Dan thrust himself as deep into me as he could, and I felt the heat in the pit of my stomach before I came, and Dee bit down on my shoulder to keep from screaming in ecstasy.

I don't remember much after that, but they recorded parts of it and we watched them for our second date together. Among the highlights was Dan cumming on both of our faces and me licking her clean, Dee holding his face down onto my cock as I came, Dee riding me as Dan pounded into me behind her and finally all three of us lying on the floor, sticky and limp after cumming all over each other.

As a final note, Dan is gay. He wasn't even interested in doing anything directly with Dee, since he prefers Arabic men over Latinos, but she wanted me to have my first experience with another man for my birthday so she called him. He never let Dee do anything for him during our first threesome, unless I was also directly involved. Later on, Dee would insist that we all share a bed on the weekends, but that was mainly because she enjoys watching two men fuck. I didn't mind then, but once the three of us broke up, I find sleeping by myself very lonely. I hope you enjoy it, and that you can probably make something coherent out of this.

This was a cute and fun read 🤗 Glad you had such a positive first ecperience, both in a threesome and gay experience 🩷

Hope you've found the peace and opportunity to be open today, and that you are happy and confident in yourself 🩷

[ahgasegotarmy116]

The Art of Etiquette Part 2 | Jeon Jungkook

Summary: You try to back out on being a debutant so you can stop taking lessons with Mr. Jeon but your mother is going to do everything she can to make you follow through Paring: f!reader x Etiquette instructor Jungkook Word Count: 2k~ Warnings: Like one cuss word but thats about it lol a/n: Let me know how you guys are liking this! I was planning on posting this later but I wanted to see if posting around this time would be better :) p.s. roughly edited lol

"Mom! Mom! Where are you?" I yell as soon as I get home. "I'm right here so please stop yelling, you know that there is no yelling in this household" she scolds. "Okay, then why did you yell at me when I got a bad grade on my midterm paper?" I throw in her face. "Watch your tone y/n I am still your mother" she retorts. "Now what is it?" she says quickly turning the conversation back to it's intended course. 

"I can't do this" I say and start making my way to the living room with her soon trailing behind. "Do what?" she sighs once we've both sat down. "This whole debutante thing, it's not for me" I say hoping it would pacify her but knowing for a fact that would never happen. "You're doing it!" she says, wanting to end the conversation already. 

"No I'm not!" I argue back "I'm not cut out for this thing. This life of high society and playing nice with strangers, pretending like you actually care about what they're talking about. I just can't pretend to be someone I'm not" I explain but unfortunately she'll have none of it. "Did something happen at your lessons today?" she asks, hoping to find the cause of my anxieties.

"Nothing happened" I huff, standing up and making my way to my room. "Obviously something happened since you always seem to have something to say about everything even at the most inopportune times" she says, obviously exacerbated by the memories. "Are you talking about the time I added staying alive to the set list at grandpa's funeral?" I question chuckling at the memory. 

"See this is exactly why you need those lessons. It's time to grow up, and if you're not ready to do that yet then I'll just have you get a job and start paying your own tuition so you can learn on your own what it means to be an adult" she threatens. "James said that he would pay for my tuition if I decided I wanted to go back to college. You can't take that away from me!" I argue and stop in my tracks, surprised and upset that she would even stoop that low. 

"Since you still feel the need to whine over small sacrifices such as these then it looks like we should probably start giving you some more responsibilities so you will grow up. Just take the damn lessons y/n, it would really make your father and I happy if we could introduce you to everyone properly" she explains softening her tone towards the end.

"But he-" I start, wanting to tell her what my instructor made me do but we're cut off by the sound of James getting home. "How are my two lovely ladies doing?" he asks while giving my mother a kiss on her temple. "Oh we're fine, y/n was just telling me how much she enjoyed her first lesson right?" she says giving me a stern face, daring me to say otherwise.

"Oh yeah they were great Mr. Jeon seems like a very nice man" I say giving him a half smile, forcing the answer out of myself. I hate lying to him, especially since he's been nothing but nice to me so far. A lot nicer than my mother that's for sure, so I would hate to mess things up with him. 

"Well that's great news! Especially since he called me just now and asked if you would like to take more lessons with him. It seems like he's taken a special interest in you and wants to really make sure you're set up for success. Would that be something that you would like?" he asks, thankfully leaving the decision up to me but with the glare my mother is giving me it seems like from her point of view there's only one obvious answer for this question.

"That works for me. Whatever you both think would be best is be fine by me" I say, doing my very best to sound as genuine as possible even though I'm dying inside. 

"Wonderful! He's asked if we could do three days of etiquette and two days of dance lessons during the week and on days closer to events we should do dance lessons on the weekend before the event as well. That schedule work out alright for you?" he asks while taking out his phone to no doubt sending a message to Matthew to contact Mr. Jeon tomorrow morning so he's prepared for my newly scheduled lessons as well.

"Yes that's fine but where will I be taking my dance lessons?" I question now confused as to why Mr. Jeon would speak to James about them as well. "Oh I didn't tell you?" he's your dance instructor as well" James says and leaves to his office to take a phone call. 

"No fucking way am I dancing with that man" I say turning back to my mother once he's out of earshot. "Did he do something that made you feel uncomfortable?" she asks, just now deciding to finally ask why I didn't want to take the lessons. "No he's just a dick" I huff, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Really, that's the reason? What did you expect? He's meant to teach you to act like a lady and let's be honest, a nice sweet approach isn't going to work on you" she says and makes her way to who knows where, to do who knows what. With how big this house is it could honestly be anything. 

~~~~~~~~

"So is he hot?" Jesse asks, clearly interested in how things went yesterday. "I mean I guess but he's too rude for me to even begin to pay attention to that" I huff, frustrated at the thought of him alone. "What's his name?" he asks, taking out his phone to look him up.

"I don't remember but his last name is Jeon" I say taking a bite out of my sandwich. "J-o-h-n?" he questions, confused at the unusual surname. "No J-e-o-n. I'm pretty sure he's Korean" I say and slide over to his side to see what he can dig up on him.

"Jeon Private Etiquette Tutor" he types in and hits enter. "Woah" both of us say, seeing how many articles and pictures of him with actors, CEOs and public figures. "This guy must be loaded" Jesse says, clearly stunned at who he's worked with. "And he's hot! Damn girl you really won if this Jungkook guy wants to see you five times a week" he says and keeps on clicking through everything he can get him hands on about him. "And seven days a week when there's some stupid event I have to go to" I groan just thinking about how many hours of my life I'm going to waste with him. 

"He's only 27, I wonder if he's single" Jesse says winking at me. "For me or for you because you can have him" I scoff making him laugh. "No take backs! Well, unless he's straight. Then you can have him back. No matter how heartbreaking that might be" he says, wiping away fake tears. "Sorry to break it to you babe but he probably wouldn't go for either of us" I say placing a hand on his shoulder and getting up to leave.

"Hey! Where are you going? We don't start class for another half an hour" he yells after me. "I gotta go change since he wants me to be 'dressed like a lady' when I come and I won't have time after class" I yell turning to face him as I walk backward for a second. "Alright, have fun Barbie" he yells as I get further away to which I respond with a shake of my head as I make my way over to my car. 

"Acceptable" he says taking in my form. "Although the hem is far too short" he says looking down at my legs again before looking back up and making eye contact with me. "It was all I could find on such short notice" I explain but unfortunately he isn't satisfied with my answer. 

"Excuses will get you no where, you either do it or you don't. I'm sure you could have put in a little more effort into finding something more suitable if you had tried. Let's remedy the situation by the next class shall we?" he finishes off sarcastically before turning his back to me and walking over to the sound system in the corner of the room and I take the chance to stick my tongue out at him in retaliation. 

"You do you realize there are mirrors in this room correct?" he asks, clearly not amused with what he had seen me doing. "My apologies Mr. Jeon" I settle on, not bothering to give an excuse this time. "But are you really?" he asks, walking back towards me slowly, his voice an octave lower, catching me off guard. "N-no" I answer truthfully, nervous with the way he stalks towards me with clear displeasure enveloping his entire existence. 

He leans towards me talking directly into my ear, clearly using tactics to show his dominance over the situation. "Let us be honest with each other then. It would be a waste of both of our time if we were to do otherwise" he say sending shivers down my spine and I hate that it's something I couldn't have controlled even if I wanted to. "Is that clear?" he asks, his warm breath hitting my neck making my mind feel clouded, leaving me confused on how to respond to him leaving me only being able to nod in response.

"Good" he says leaning back, giving what I had hoped for was a little more room to breathe. "Next time use your words" he says tilting my chin up just as he had done at my last lesson. "Yes Mr. Jeon" I say quietly, leaving him satisfied with my cooperation and straightening back up to go back to what he had been working on.

'What the fuck was that? What the fuck was that? What THE FUCK was that?' I ask myself over and over and over again. I'm startled out of my circular train of thought and am met with what I can assume is some sort of waltz music running through the twin speakers on either side of the wall that the sound system is placed against. 

"I can't dance" I voice out, sticking to my word and answering the question before he bothered to ask. "I thought as much, ballroom dancing is a lost art amongst the youth of your generation" he says adjusting a few more things before coming back over to me. 

"You speak of my generation as if it was much younger in comparison to yours" I respond crossing my arms over my chest in defiance. "Were you perhaps curious enough to inquire about me?" he asks finally turning around to face me, making his way back over to me as he had done before, having caught me red handed leaving me changing my position, holding my hands together and having them rest against my thighs.

"I had just assumed based off of how youthful you look" I respond, giving him a forced compliment, not wanting to admit to what I had done. Well, really what Jesse had done but again he would see right through me. "Haven't we agreed to be honest with each other?" he questions reaching his hand out and easily pulling my hands apart. Placing one of mine on his shoulder and the other held in his hand, leaving his free one to rest on my waist. 

"Do as I say and hopefully we'll come out of this without any injuries" he says practically daring me to make a mistake. "But of course" I say and straighten my posture to match his and follow his lead as best as I can. 

prev / next

Series Masterlist

Taglist: @jkslipppiercing @trina864 @kaitieskidmore97 @goddesofimortality @coolbluedude @00frenchfries00 @bangtans-momma @coralmusicblaze @pastelpinkjoon @joonwater @marvelbun @j3nni-rs @evidive @beomieboi @forevrglow @jesssssmaybankk @teugiie @chaconnelatte @whoa-jo @snehal @xumyboo @mindurbuzznezz @diorh0seokie @hehurst23 @caro134340lina @ye0nvibezzn @olimpiiaa @hrtsj1m @junecat18 @ellesalazar @babycandy111

Join my Taglist!

Feel free to fill out the form or just comment on any of my fics to be added :)

[taylorsv3rsion13]

Jealous conrad x reader? Smut if you write it, if not just angst that's ends with fluff?

talk outside?

A/N : hi! sorry i don't write smut, but i'll write the angst and fluff LMAO. (i'm also so sorry, this is actually horrible)

synopsis : jealousy wasn't the best for conrad after seeing you and jeremiah.

words : 797

God, it's embarrassing, but I've liked Conrad since I was little.

"Jere, where's Conrad?" I asked him as we messed around in the pool with Steven and Belly.

He thought for a moment, "I'm not sure. Probably in his room though."

I sighed, getting out of the pool and grabbing a towel to dry myself off. Yeah, I'd just got to Cousins, but usually Conrad would be out here as well.

I walked up to his room and knocked. I heard a grunt before he opened the door.

"Hi." I said as I looked up to him. He was shirtless and his hair was everywhere.

"Hey." Was all he said before closing the door again.

"Please, please, please go to the party."" Belly begged as I was sprawled out on my bed.

"No, it's going to be lame." I groaned.

She laughed, "But Conrad will be there."

I rolled my eyes at her statement, "Yeah, but, Conrad will ignore me."

"Please Y/N." She begged yet again.

I sat up on my bed, raising an eyebrow, "Fine. But you owe me!"

I finished getting ready for the party, wearing a white eyelet top which tied in the front with a denim short skirt.

"Don't you look gorgeous." Susannah said to me as I made my way downstairs.

"Thank you, you look lovely as well, Susannah." I said, as I smiled.

"Okay, be safe and don't be dumb!" She called out as Belly and I left the house.

As soon as I walked in the smell of weed and alcohol hit me. Belly had run off somewhere and I was left by myself. Everyone was close in proximity with one another before I spotted Jeremiah.

"Y/N!" He exclaimed as he ran to hug me.

"Hi, Jere!" I said excitedly.

Jeremiah moved his hand to around my waist, "I'm glad to see that you could made it."

"So am I."

I could feel eyes on me as well though, and on the hand that was wrapped securely on my waist.

From across the room Conrad stood, staring straight at me.

I looked back at Jeremiah who's arm was still around me, but he was talking to a couple of other guys.

Someone had tapped my shoulder, as I turned around to be met with Conrad.

"Oh, hey." I said blankly.

"Hey, can we talk outside?" Conrad asked.

I scoffed, "I'm kinda busy right now."

Conrad grabbed me and picked me up, sending me over his shoulder.

"Put me down!" I protested, hitting his back.

"Stop making a scene, I just want to talk." Conrad said.

I sighed, allowing him to take me outside. He walked with me on his back til we got to his car.

"What the hell is wrong with you." I asked as he let me down.

"No, what the hell is with you? All of a sudden you're getting with my brother?"

"What the fuck are you talking about? And either way you're ignoring me. Why would you even care?"

"Y/N, I don't have to give you any reason." Conrad said, by now we were both shouting and our arms were flying in the air.

"But you really do because you're mad at me for no reas-"

His hands made their way to my cheeks and before I knew it, he had smashed our lips together.

He let go after a moment, "I'm sorry, I've been waiting to do that."

I just stared at him in shock.

"Y/N, say something so I don't look dumb right now. Please."

"I don't know what to fucking say, Conrad, you just kissed me after you've been mad at me since I got to Cousins."

"So do you like me or not, I can't keep acting like I hate you." Conrad explained.

"Okay yes I like you of course I do, who wouldn't? But so does every girl at Cousins!" I explained.

The house was quiet, everyone was asleep as I lay on my bed.

"Conrad, you're breathing so loud I can hear you from the other side of the door." I called out from inside my room.

He opened the door, coming in.

"Hey." He breathed.

"What do you need right now?"I asked.

"Y/N, can we just talk about us what we even are what happened, anything?" He asked.

"Are you trying to piss me off right now?" I asked.

Conrad laughed a little, "I wouldn't have to piss you off if you would just answer."

"I already told you how I felt."

Before I knew it our lips were intertwined yet again, but neither of us pulled away.

fuck i hated how he did this to me.

I pulled away, "Okay, I like you, and I'm willing to give it a try."

[goodluckclove]

Storytime: Holy Shit Going No Contact Was A Really Good Idea, Actually

TW: offhanded mentions for abuse and neglect, general parental bullshit

Okay so people were saying they're down for this so here I go.

A little context for those who don't know: I'm an adult child of pretty severe emotional and psychological abuse, as well as like comical degrees of neglect that I've been making up for over the course of the past year for so. I say "comical" not because it's funny, but because if it was depicted in like a YA novel critics would pan it for being unrealistic. My mom convinced me that doctors don't actually like it when you get checkups and get mad at you for "wasting their time", so I didn't see a doctor for like eight or so years. That's on the low end of how fucked these people are. My parents are both alcoholics and my mom is a diagnosed narcissist (she doesn't know this, but I do because my long-time psychologist was her psychologist first before she decided she was "done with therapy". He told me this after like four years as a part of his attempt to get me to realize I was in a deeply fucked situation, ultimately saving my life in a very literal sense - but that's another story). I'm not saying you can't be both of those things and not be a good person, but I am saying she did not choose to go down that particular path.

I went no contact shortly after I got married to a person who was able to see that my parents were both pretty mean to me most of the time in ways I forced myself to process as humor. They sent like one weird card before we moved and now they don't have my new address or phone number.

Unfortunately I'll still occasionally hear random updates about them - mainly from my older sister, who was the object of my mom's obsessive, manipulative, parent-ifying "love" before she left home at 18 and I became the new Golden Goose. I don't like this. I wish she would stop doing this. I asked her before, but I guess she forgot. Or maybe part of the shell shock from the damage of our childhood is that she just needs to tell someone who would understand in a more primal way than her fiancee. I don't know. She pretty much raised me when I was younger so I guess this is what I'm giving her in return.

A couple of days ago she called me and casually mentioned the latest scrambling my parents are doing. They're moving in with my grandma so she can keep living in the home she raised her family in. They're not kicking out my autistic brother anymore, they're actually bringing him with them. I don't think he has a choice. They're also bringing the family dog they've neglected even worse than they did me, despite how my grandma absolutely insisted she would never want a pet. They're going to turn my kind of run-down childhood home into a rental for extra income. My parents are landlords to be. Cool cool cool.

A lot of this is about money. I have never been comfortable talking about money - probably more so than other people. I never had it explained to me. It wasn't displayed or handled in a way that made sense in my mind. My mom complained and lamented about bills to me all the time but she also had maybe four Prada purses. It didn't make sense.

Something she told me a lot about were the details of my grandmother's will - like, from as young as maybe 16. My grandma is indeterminately wealthy in a way I don't really understand and can barely even guesstimate. She owns her own house, remodeled it, bought my uncle a house, bought my childhood home when my parents almost got kicked out and they paid her the mortgage ever since. She paid for all my siblings (except for me since I dropped out) to go to college. She has an amount of money. I have no idea how much since she's pretty buttoned up - loving, but reserved - which I was told is just a generational thing for some Japanese people. I mean she has the right. She spent like a year or two in a concentration camp as a little girl, she has the fucking right.

But yeah I was told more than a few times that I have a big inheritance for after grandma dies. My mom never told me how much but stressed that it was a lot. I didn't really know why she was telling me this. I actually felt like she shouldn't be telling me this. It made me feel sad and dirty to hear her describe it as something I should be excited for. She also mentioned a lot that I was the only grandchild in the will, and not my three step-siblings that I've known since birth.

Once again - this was NOT something I wanted to know. I had no idea what to do with that information. I tried not to think about it.

Fast forward a couple of years and I'm married and we just bought a house. So before you officially buy a house there's a point where an inspector looks everything over and gives you the details - you know, so you can make an informed decision. The inspection we got for the first house we almost bought informed us that the whole thing was hand-renovated and pretty much fucked to the point where if we bought it we'd have to replace the walls. We didn't buy that house.

The inspector for the second house we loved confirmed it was old. Most of the houses in Portland are old. But it seemed pretty much fine. The only issue was some moss on the roof and a few loose shingles, he said. So we bought it.

Turns out the roof is not good. It's very not good. And we have to replace it before October or else we'll lose our home insurance, and ultimately the home itself. Stressful! I found a pretty knowledgeable roofer and he quotes 14k for the treatment. Add that to the 10k we were already planning on spending on refinancing - a separate financial obstacle course for home owners that Riley was pursuing, since the fiances are their domain - and we were both at a loss as to what to do.

Ultimately I reluctantly decide to see if my grandma would give me part of my inheritance early. Or all of it? I debate how to phrase it for a night. I didnt want to assume how much she was planning on leaving me. I didn't really like to think about how she left specifically me anything in terms of money.

But that didn't end up being an issue! Because when I called my grandma and explained the situation, how we were hit with like three major financial blows back to back and were just hoping to get some aid until things stabilized in a few months, she casually mentioned that I'm actually not in her will. None of the grandkids are!

I immediately stammered out a series of no no nevermind then, but she stopped me and explained how she has a "small emergency fund" for situations like this and asks how much I needed. I say I'm not comfortable with that, but she won't drop the subject. She says the roof is 14k so she'll just give me that. She says 14k won't be a dent in her "small emergency fund". I have absolutely no idea what my grandma's financial situation is.

Did you know if you're given only Goodwill clothes for all of your formative years you're likely to be unable to buy new clothes at even a Target without feeling lost and sick to your stomach? Did you know that if you take Lithium they won't let you sell your blood? Do you know the easiest ways to shoplift food?

I don't think my grandma knows any of that and at this point I don't want to tell her.

I accept the check. I thank her. Riley thanks her. We both cry a lot for a lot of the morning because this is just a lot and it's very confusing. Riley says they've never accepted that amount of money before and would never imagine it coming from a family member. I say my grandma has been doing shit like this for my whole life.

But in the back of my head I'm reeling. I don't consider myself a materialistic person, but I can't help but ask why did my mom lie to me? Why did she lie, and continue to push the lie even when she saw it made me uncomfortable? Why did she bring it up when I'd get mad at my siblings as a way to force me to put aside my feelings?

It's just such a random thing to make up and double down on. Triple down, even. And I understand this whole mess comes from a pretty lucky position - we were able to buy a house and get financial aid to keep the house at a crucial time. That's lucky. We're really lucky. But why the fuck was she keeping up this bit for so long?

She could've never mentioned it and I wouldn't be upset about not being in the will. Frankly I probably wouldn't notice. But holy shit I carried so much stress for years over being the one grandchildren in the will that I had no clue how to navigate. I debated telling my siblings but after all of us were told that we should consider ourselves blood-related, hearing that our own grandmother drew a distinction sounded devastating.

I can't think of a reason why my mom would push a lie this random but so big for so long. It wasn't for me, clearly. I'm not upset that I'm not going to get a fucking jackpot when my grandma dies. I was never really able to wrap my mind around that being a thing. I'm just fucking baffled that my mom was so completely delusional for my whole life and I just followed along for so long.

So long! I was so unbelievably loyal to her despite every attempt she made to drag me into the void. The day before I got married I was telling her over video call that I didn't have a right to be unhappy not working while I recovered from my first major medication shift in years. She said, even though I am the only child of four to pay rent in their own apartment, that I should be grateful for my soon-to-be wife because "without them I'd be homeless".

Fuck that. Fuck that and fuck her. With the stories I have I could ruin my parents in my extended family's eyes forever. The only thing that keeps me from doing that is knowing that it would hurt my Grandma more to know that she wasn't able to step in while it was actually happening. And she's done so much for me and our family that I don't want her to carry that in the end of her life.

It was one lie that really made me realize some things, though. The best thing I ever did for myself was cut contact with my parents. If I didn't cut contact - if I didn't move states - I would almost guaranteed be dead. This is not an exaggeration. It was fucking messy.

But I got out. I have a wife and a few close friends, a roof over my head and some cats darting around my feet. Before we moved I was terrified of my parents showing up at our old apartment. I used to spiral imagining mom screaming outside the door. I tried to plan with Riley what we'd do if that happened. One night I claimed I wanted to take a boxing class "so I can know what it feels like to get really hit and I won't be afraid of it anymore".

I'm not scared now. These are sick people and I've spent more than enough time lamenting how awful my life would be if I continued not noticing that. I was thinking my mom was unable to perceive me as my own person, and now I'm convinced she never saw me or my sister as people at all. We were just little dollies she could whisper all her traumas to.

I hope my sister cuts contact too. I told her about the will thing and said that I'm pretty sure my parents would use that as a way to keep relationships with their remaining children. I said she should probably consider that if she decides to cut ties.

Honestly, I won't blame her if she does that and decides to stay in contact. It's a hard world out there. But I hope she does anyway. She just bought a house too and is about to get married to a man with a family infinitely more loving than ours ever was. I tell her to consider them her family. After the shit she's seen that's the least she deserves.

[bi-bard]

Fine - Joel Miller Imagine [HBO's The Last of Us]

Title: Fine

Pairing: Joel Miller X Reader

Word Count: 1,050 words

Warning(s): Spoilers for episode 3, grief, mention of death

Summary: [Season 1, Episode 3] Joel, (Y/n), and Ellie make it to Bill and Frank's home in the hopes of getting some help. What they walk into is enough for (Y/n) to feel like they're falling apart. And beg for more from Joel than a plan for the next step.

Author's Note: Because I needed a fucking hug after that episode, and I didn't get one.

-------------------------

I knew something was wrong when we saw the fence around Bill and Frank's place.

I wasn't sure that Joel saw the same thing as me until we looked at each other. There was an air of uneasiness around us as he walked up to unlock the gate.

I grabbed Ellie's arm before she could touch the fence. I pointed to the high-voltage sign.

"Oh," she muttered. I nodded.

Joel held the gate open for us.

That uneasy feeling only got worse as we got closer to the house. Something was wrong. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. After what happened with Tess, I wasn't sure that I could handle what could have possibly happened to Bill and Frank.

The wooden gate was squeaking as it swung back and forth on its hinges.

The front door was unlocked.

It was all out of character for them. They kept the house in good shape. For their safety.

The creaking of the floor against the complete silence didn't soothe me at all. I could see the dust forming on some of the tables and shelves.

Joel called out to Bill and Frank.

When there was no response, he decided to go looking for them.

"Stay with her," Joel said to me, pointing to Ellie. I nodded.

Joel went down the hall. Ellie went to the sitting room while I peeked in the dining room. There were dishes sitting on the table. The food had flies gathering around it and it was going bad. I furrowed my eyebrows.

This was wrong. So, so wrong.

Ellie came in a minute later. She sat in one of the dining room chairs.

"I found a letter," she held up the paper for me to see. "'To whomever but probably Joel'."

"Let me," I held out my hand. She sighed and placed it in my hand.

I shouldn't have done that. I should have just left it to Ellie.

She dropped the key on the table as I opened the letter.

"What happened," she asked as I read the letter.

I didn't have a good response. Maybe it was the shock or the sadness. Maybe I did have a way to explain it, but I just didn't want to because if I said it out loud, then all of it was real. It didn't really matter. All that mattered was that I couldn't explain it to Ellie.

I dropped the letter on the table and stepped out without answering her. "Joel!"

He turned to look at me. His hand was resting on the doorknob.

"Don't," I said, nodding down at his hand.

His eyebrows furrowed but he still pulled his hand away.

When we both made it back to the dining room, Ellie was reading over the letter.

The first time I read it, I was able to hold back tears and hold myself together. Hearing it read out loud, I didn't have anything to focus on. I didn't have that choice.

I blinked a few times and tilted my head back, trying to keep myself from sobbing in front of Ellie.

I heard Joel tell her to stay put as he swiped the key and walked out.

I looked at his back for a second before turning to Ellie. I held a finger to tell her to wait there before I went to follow Joel outside.

"Joel."

"Go inside and watch Ellie."

"No, Joel," I shook my head.

"(Y/n), I am not fighting about this right now," he muttered as he stopped. "Just go. I'll be right back."

"Oh, for fuck's sake!"

The air shifted. It tensed. I was never one to yell. I was rarely known to cuss. I think Joel had some understanding then that I needed to be properly heard.

"For the love of God, please don't pull the drill sergeant act on me," I begged. "You may be able to compartmentalize all of this and keep moving, but I can't do that right now. We just lost our friends, Joel. Three people that we trusted and we cared for. You have your brother out there to keep you going, but I... I don't have anything other than you."

He didn't move.

"I... I can't deal with that like you can," I muttered. "Please... just... stop... just for a moment."

Joel took a deep breath before turning around. I saw his face shift. Like he hadn't realized that I had started crying until that moment. I closed my eyes and turned my head down.

A sob escaped me as soon as he pulled me into his arms. My face ended up buried in his shoulder as I hugged him as tight as I could. I felt his arms tighten around me as a shaky breath escaped him.

"I love you," I mumbled.

"(Y/n)-"

"Shut the hell up and listen to me," I stopped him. "Like it or not, I care about you and I love you. I... I need you to know that. To hear it."

"I love you too," he replied, voice closer to a grumble than anything.

I squeezed my arms around him one more time before stepping back. I grinned at him before wiping away what I could of the tears that had fallen.

I reached over and did the same for him. "Don't worry. I won't tell anyone, so you can hold onto your tough-guy act."

A chuckle escaped him. "You're an ass."

"Yeah, so are you," I shrugged. "Get back soon, alright? Don't do anything stupid."

"Do I ever?"

"You don't want a real answer to that."

He glared at me for a moment. I just grinned a little wider at him.

I watched him walk away from the house. I turned and walked inside. Ellie was standing next to the window. She had watched the whole thing.

"Bill and Frank had a working shower last time I was here," I said. "Maybe you should go see if it's still working."

She slowly nodded. "Are... Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I replied. "I'm fine."

She didn't seem to believe me.

"Go," I nodded toward the staircase.

She held her hands up and went up the stairs.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Fine. That was good enough.

I was okay with fine.

-------------------------

Navigation Guide

What I Write For

Some Original Characters

[dreamlifebunny]

hello bunny! I (ego, probably) find stay 'knowing myself' throughout the day as I tell myself I will observe the Ego's life with no attachment but in 2 minutes get swept up in my thoughts and identifying with them.

How do I separate my Self from ego and stop identifying with ego? and How do I believe that I am Self, 'I' need some proof, what do I do to get that? I'm so sorry if this has already been answered or repetitive.

hiiii, anon! c: no need to apologize at all, i completely understand the question and the struggle! this is a long answer, sorry it's late here and i have no idea how to be concise ever lol.

the biggest piece of advice i would give to you is to not beat yourself up for getting swept up in the thoughts. when we get swept away we can get frustrated with ourselves because we're like, "ughh i'm not doing this right, i have to start over, c'mon ego just do it correctly already!!" but the thing is, that is just how the ego is. it is acting the exact way it was intended to; the ego has endless thoughts, the ego worries, and the ego wants to beat you up for not getting it "right." but Self knows that that is the way the ego is and doesn't try to fight it! It accepts the ego as it is and simply lets it be. Self thinks that the ego is perfect simply because it "is;" it's perfect when its happy, it's perfect when it's sad, it's perfect when it has a thousand thoughts, it's perfect when it feels angry at itself. the ego/character you're playing right now, your Self created, and it is perfectly neutral and loving towards it ALL.

i used to be so confused when people would say, "just observe," because when i had thoughts i didn't like i would feel negatively and try to push the negative thought away or try to stop feeling the negative feeling. but what i learned was that instead of trying to change the thoughts, i can notice that i'm trying to change the thoughts. i can notice that i felt uncomfortable, then i can notice that the thought is sticking around, then i can notice that the feeling gets harder, then i can notice where the feeling is in my body, then i can notice that my awareness of where it is in my body has made me forget that i had a negative thought that i didn't like in the first place! it all falls away, because simply noticing helps you shift your awareness.

as ego, you will never run out of things to notice. that's why there are so many opportunities to practice not identifying with the ego! something you could try practicing for it to become more normal is taking time throughout your day to sit with yourself and truly pay attention, neutrally, to every single thought, feeling, and sensation that comes up. when i say neutrally, i don't mean NOT feeling negatively about things you're frustrated with or pushing down the feelings. the ego is going to feel frustrated, because that's how the ego feels. what i mean is, even if you get frustrated with yourself, NOTICE THAT TOO. "oh, i'm noticing that i'm feeling frustrated. that's okay!" it's all okay - have compassion and love towards EVERY feeling and thought that comes up, because they are all a creation of Self/God. i'll give you an example of the first time that i "got" it that will hopefully explain what i'm saying a little more. this was something close to my internal monologue:

alright. here we go. gonna notice some stuff as Self. i'm noticing my breathing. cool!

i'm noticing that i'm noticing my breathing now hehe. that's okay!

i'm noticing a feeling come up; ego wants to laugh because this feels funny to notice. that's okay!

i'm noticing that the feeling feels really warm in my body, it's pleasant. that's okay!

i'm noticing that i'm pretty hungry right now, actually... that's okay!

*drifts for a little while bcuz i was so hungry*

oh. i noticed that i just started drifting thinking about lunch. that's okay... wait, is that okay?

shit. i fucked up and drifted, ugh. that's not okay, why do i always drift so easily? *gets frustrated with myself*

wait, i didn't fuck up. i'm noticing that i was just frustrated with myself. okay. frustration, you are noticed. it's okay for the ego to be frustrated! that's okay!

i'm noticing now the peace that comes with simply allowing my ego to be the way it is. that's okay!

i'm noticing that i'm thinking about lunch again. that's okay!

maybe i should eat. what should i eat? (*drifting*)

ugh! i keep messing this up! (*frustrated*)

oh! i am noticing that the frustration is coming again, and i'm also noticing that i'm hungry. that's a sensation the ego is having. i am noticing it. that's okay!

does this make sense? everything that the ego does is perfect, it's acting as the way it always is - we as Self are simply here to observe it! it doesn't have to change its ways for you to become self-actualized; in fact, the ego cannot "become enlightened," the feeling of "enlightenment" only happens when the ego is left to just vibe and do its thing, without changing it. the ego is perfect to Self because no matter what, it is playing its role exactly as it was meant to. the ego wants to fight itself, but it doesn't need to fight itself, because it's doing exactly what it was designed to do. Self knows this! Self is able to take a step back and allow the yuckiness that the ego feels to just happen, because it knows that that yuckiness is a creation of Self. this is why people always say that Self is an expression of / feeling of pure love, because everything that the ego does is simply okay, it's allowed, it's perfect, it's loved by Self. it's pure acceptance, and what is more loving than that? i think it's also why people who are Christian say that "God's creations are perfect" because they were created by "Him" and "He makes no mistakes." it's the same thing with our true Selves and ego - the ego is a perfect creation of the Self, it doesn't need to beat itself up or get frustrated because it's not doing things properly. but if it does beat itself up or get frustrated, all you as Self have to do is say, "it's okay. i'm noticing you're frustrated. i'm observing this frustration. that's allowed, you're okay, you're perfect!"

you don't have to say "that's okay" every time you have a thought or sensation, either. i told myself the phrase "nothing i am conscious of is me" when i was trying this out. sometimes i tell myself, "that's allowed." sometimes i just notice and shift awareness without thinking anything and just witness. do whatever feels natural to you, that's what this whole process is about!

it might take time for you to get to this space where it feels constant. but that is okay! the biggest thing to remember with all of this is that it is all okay. you as the ego aren't doing anything wrong, you just need to observe when you do feel that you're doing something wrong and return to that lovely observing Self who knows everything is accepted.

another thing to keep in mind is that this might take practice, but it doesn't have to be an arduous journey. you know how starting a new habit can take a little bit of time before it becomes natural, and then all of a sudden you're remembering to take your meds at the same time every day or your posture is improved because you've reminded yourself enough times throughout the day? it's the same thing for detachment (or at least has been in my case). practice makes better, and holy fuck, we've gone our whole lives attached and identified with ego, so cut yourself some slack! <3 just take some time to return to your Self throughout the day, whether that's taking five minutes to practice the above "noticing" or even just noticing whenever you remember you're Self. whenever i suddenly realize i'm getting caught up in ego identification (which is quite often), i try not to beat myself up - have compassion for the sweet character you've known and identified with! they don't know any better. sometimes i greet my ego like an old friend, like "oh! hi ego! i'm noticing you now."

hopefully this makes sense - compassion and witnessing is the key, and truly with practice you'll come to find it's the simplest thing you've ever known to do. you've got this! <3

also, here is advice from this lovely anon, too!