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drlaurynlax · 6 years

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The #1 Cause of HPA Axis Dysfunction (Adrenal Fatigue)

The HPA Axis Dysfunction or Adrenal Fatigue

HPA Axis Dysfunction or adrenal fatigue is real…don’t believe me? Read on for yourself to find out how it can happen to anyone, and the #1 cause behind it all.

I’ve been quiet in social media world the past several months and, to be honest, it’s been a rough stretch to say the least. In short: “Adrenal fatigue” or HPA Axis Dysfunction is real, and if you’ve ever experienced an extreme bout of stress, you’ll know what I mean. Here’s a little personal story, and the science and research to prove it.

Stress = The #1 Cause of HPA Axis Dysfunction

In fact, stress alone is the #1 driver of HPA Axis Dysfunction—the primary attributed cause of practically every known ailment plaguing our society today—from diabetes, to cancer, autoimmune disease, anxiety and beyond.

Contrary to popular belief, stress goes far beyond just mental stress alone.

Physical stress is often times even more detrimental, as it more easily goes unseen, including: imbalances in the basic human needs (such as lack of sleep, dehydration, poor nutrient density, sedentary or overtraining lifestyles), to gut dysfunction (SIBO, leaky gut, IBS), circadian rhythm dysfunction, inflammation, and light exposure (blue screens, light at night, etc.).

In fact, you can be sitting on a beach in Tahiti with a margarita in hand, seemingly no care in the world, but your body STILL be under a significant amount of stress, such as: fighting leaky gut and acne, experiencing shortness of breath from overwork in your daily lifestyle and lack of sleep, and hormone imbalances from overtraining in the gym and under-eating fat and protein.

Regardless of what type of stress you face (physical or mental), our bodies can only take so much stress. While stress is inevitable (impossible to avoid in modern day), if you go over your individualized threshold of stress or experience a significant amount of stress in a short amount of time, your body may back fire.

Enter: “Adrenal Fatigue” or “HPA Axis Dysfunction.”

My HPA Axis Dysfunction Story

It all began in March of 2018.

Actually, rephrase that: It all began about 3 years ago, in 2015—the beginnings of my business and life as an entrepreneur.

Eager to “save the world” with my business aspirations in the health and wellness field, I went to work on the front lines, doing things like:

My Job (“Saving the World”)

Therapy:

Providing counseling and therapy services to individuals with emotional baggage to get rid of;

Nutrition:

Offering support plans and nutritional guidance for individuals seeking health improvements;

Functional Medicine:

Knocking conventional medicine on its head with functional medicine—providing tools, resources, protocols and procedures for helping people truly heal, not just manage their disease:

—You know, just “saving the world” (or trying to).

Along with these pursuits, a sneak peek into my life as an entrepreneur looked something like this for a couple years:

HPA Axis Dysfunction Begins: (Stressful) Life of an Entrepreneur (Beginning Fall of 2015)

6 a.m. Rise & Shine. Wakeup to my alarm across the room (despite wanting to go back to sleep after 5 hours of sleep)

Brushing my teeth, swigging a protein shake, and rushing to get ready for the day to make it to the gym by 6:30 a.m. or 7

7-8:30 a.m. Workout. Hitting a workout in the gym first thing to get energized for the day

8:30 a.m. Breakfast: Another protein shake, greens, coconut butter and 1/2 a banana on my way to my office

9 a.m.-2 p.m. Work It Start the work day, seeing new clients and writing or creating my next online project or book.

2 p.m.-3:30 p.m. Workout #2. Hit the gym again for a break in the middle of the work day to burn off energy and clear my head.

3:30 p.m. Lunch. Chicken, avocado, greens, beets.

4 pm-7:30 p.m. Work It. Back to the grind.

7:30 or 8 p.m. Group Meeting. Mixing, mingling and talking more about business.

9:30 p.m. Workout. Force myself to hit the gym again after a long afternoon of sitting to work out pent up energy for 40-60 minutes.

10:30 p.m. Dinner. Dinner at home: Turkey burger patty, sweet potato, coconut butter, greens sautéed in ghee.

11 p.m.-1 a.m. Work. Finish my work for the day (e-mails, admin, etc.).

1 or 1:30 a.m. Bed. Hit the sack and sleep like a rock for about 5 hours.

Wakeup and do it all over again!

But Stress is “Normal” Right?…

Can you relate?

Or do you know anyone who is an entrepreneur, or in school, or loves what they do, or who is super stressed over their work or life—and keeps a similar schedule? (Burning a candle at ALL ends).

Face it: Stress and “running on a hamster wheel” is normal, and if you are NOT doing it, then you better watch out because (gasp) you may fall behind.

Although I thought I was made of “steel”—immune of stress wreaking havoc on my health—my body had other plans in mind.

Before I realized it, various (silent) health issues began to arise including:

Health Issues Arise (2016-2017)

IBS

SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth)

Unwanted weight loss (losing about 10 pounds over the course of about 3 years due to malabsorption and gut issues)

Bloating after eating

Chronic constipation

Shortness of breath if I slept less than 5 hours multiple days in a row

Gym performance decline (loss of strength, endurance, gains in the gym)

Hormone imbalances (losing my period)

However, despite all these “new” symptoms, I was completely checked out from my body—laser focused on checking off to-do lists, getting further ahead in business and growing a company.

In addition to not feeling on “top of my A-game,” other things in my life began to shift too, such as:

Lifestyle Imbalance (2016-2017)

Isolation from friendships (in place of work)

Working on weekends and evenings instead of spending time with people or taking breaks

Lack of interests and activities outside of work

Disconnection from my “source”—time spent in Word, prayer

Disconnection from the great outdoors (staying inside most of the days)

Over-screen exposure (upwards of 10-12 hours per day in front of a computer)

Loss of “who I am” or what I like to do (outside work)

Running towards a goal with no end in sight

To say the least, I became more like a robot, and less like “Lauryn”—the well rounded individual I am in my core.

I could talk and write all day about living a health lifestyle, and I knew WHAT to do, but when it came to my own health and life, there wasn’t time to do all the things I preached about!

As a busy entrepreneur, trying to save the world, who had time to do things like sleep 7-8 hours, or mix up my workouts, or eat a variety of nutrient dense foods, or make time for hobbies and passions and relationships?!

This schedule and pace continued for a good 3 years before my body really began to speak—letting me know that something was up.

Getting Out of Balance: SIBO, Leaky Gut, IBS & Beyond (September 2017)

Come September 2017, I was hit with a severe case of SIBO—Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth—in which my body, under high amounts of physical and mental stress, developed a gut condition where unhealthy bacteria overpopulated my small intestine.

The result?

Rapid weight loss and IBS.

Although I have struggled with “gut stuff” (constipation and IBS) most of my life, things really kicked up.

Seemingly overnight, I went from just feeling bloated after most meals to having to run to the bathroom after most meals with loose watery stools, or the opposite, waking up super constipated—unable to go at all.

This conundrum continued for a good 4 months before I decided to dig deeper and consider what else may be going on under the hood.

Thanks to my functional medicine background and training program at the time, we were actually learning about SIBO at the same time, and come to find out, SIBO is exactly what I had—triggering unwanted weight loss, malabsorption, bloating, constipation, tummy cramps, and the inability to tolerate most FODMAP foods.

At the turn of the New Year (January 2018), I was treating SIBO at home with a strict supplement protocol, courtesy of my functional medicine training, and by the end of February, I was feeling much better on the gut front—except about 10 pounds lighter than I’d want to be.

“What’s wrong with Lauryn?” I could sense others saying with their eyes, and it appeared I was “back” into my eating disorder that I had struggled with from ages 10-24.

I could hardly look in the mirror myself, and sitting at barely 100 pounds (on a “good day”), for my 5’4’’ frame, I felt it—felt weaker, and more discouraged, despite being more at peace with eating, feeding my body well and even giving up cardio in place of more muscle building workouts.

However, despite my efforts to gain weight—it wasn’t happening. Eating approximately 2400 calories each day wasn’t doing it. “Carbing up” wasn’t doing it. Working out a little bit less wasn’t doing it.

By March 2018, I found myself in a Gastrointestinal Doctor’s office to try to “get to the bottom” of things to see what—if anything—in my gut was still keeping me from putting on some weight that I wanted, and the conventional medicine “rabbit hole” began.”

The Plot Thickens: The Triggering Event (My Colonoscopy) (March 2018)

To start, the doctor ordered a CT scan of my intestines to start, finding a presentation of a “Megacolon” and “Autoimmune bowel,” and advising we do a colonoscopy to do some deeper digging to see what, if any, autoimmune diseases were present as well as any blockage or structural issues preventing me from absorbing nutrients and restoring bowel function.

In addition, I had a full blood panel done and hormone panel, and the results revealed:

Iron Overload

Low Thyroid Function

Low Vitamin D

SUPER High Cortisol

Low Sex Hormones (practically NO testosterone, estrogen, progesterone)

By the end of March, “C-Day” (“colonoscopy day”) arrived (and so did countless health side effects from this invasive procedure).

Colonscopies: More Harm Than Good

Colonoscopies have become one of the most prescribed outpatient procedures in America with more than 15-million performed each year (1) (CDC, 2016), and are only growing in prevalence.

While only about 50% of adults, ages 50-75, who “should have” colonoscopies comply with recommended guidelines, in 2018, the National Colorectal Cancer Roundtable (a group of public and private organizations) aims to raise the percentage of people screened for colorectal cancer to 80%.

And although colonoscopies are thought to be “necessary” for detecting “gut issues”—particularly colon cancer—they actually may be more detrimental than good.

In fact, according to Dr. Mercola and Dr. Michael Greger, about 1 in every 350 colonoscopies end up doing serious harm.

I am a case study example.

Colonoscopy: Little Known Side Effects

Common (little known) side effects from this invasive bacteria with a scope include:

Perforation (puncturing) of the intestines (Gatto et al, 2003) (2)

Dysbiosis (imbalanced gut bacteria) (Lorenzo et al, 2016) (3)

Infection with another person’s gut bacteria

Eradication of healthy gut bacteria from prep (Lorenzo et al, 2016) (3)

Electrolyte, bacteria and blood sugar imbalances (from the “prep diet” and extreme cleansing that is mandated) (Shobar et al, 2016) (4) (Mai et al, 2006) (5)

The result?

A gut microbiome that is “worse” off then prior to the colonoscopy.

Given that our gut bacteria and our gut itself is the “gateway” to health, if our gut bacteria gets off (or even MORE off), then you can bet your bottom dollar, other body systems get “off” by “imbalanced.”

Healthy gut bacteria or unhealthy gut bacteria determine whether the following body mechanisms are healthy or unhealthy, including:

Gut Bacteria Govern Our Health

Immune function (disease, skin) (Oregon State University, 2013) (6) (Nanjundappa et al, 2017) (7)

Digestion (Lawrence, 2017) (8) (Kim et al, 2012) (9)

Heart/cardiac function (Tang et al, 2017) (10)

Weight and metabolism (Filip et al, 2018) (11)

Blood sugar regulation (Kumamoto University, 2018) (12)

Brain health (anxiety (Hoban et al, 2017) (13), depression (Clapp, 2017) (14) and memory (Lund University, 2017) (15)

Adrenal health (i.e. “HPA-Axis” affecting hormones, cortisol and thyroid) (Konturek et al, 2011) (16) (Cryan et al, 2011) (17)

Exercise progress (or plateaus) (Clarke et al, 2014) (18)

Headaches (Gonzalez et al, 2016) (19)

Attention/ADHD/ADD (Carmen et al, 2017) (20)

Cancer (Fellows et al, 2018) (21)

A better option than colonoscopies?

Stool testing—Addressing gut bacteria and gut health itself—prior to looking for structural issues with a scope. (Bullman et al, 2017) (21)

Since gut bacteria, gut infections, parasites and bacterial imbalances determine whether you get cancer, IBS or autoimmune disease in the first place, comprehensive stool analysis, like this one by Doctors Data or this one by GI Map, can be tremendously helpful in assessing “underlying issues.” Additionally, organic acids testing, SIBO breath testing and even a new blood test (Tsai et al, 2018) can give you more information as well.

(This is something a GI doc won’t typically tell you).

Me: Post Colonoscopy (April-May 2018)

My colonoscopy was the “straw” that broke the camel’s back —accumulating the past 3 years of stress in one fatal swoop on “C-Day” (colonoscopy day).

The “prep diet” was too much for my already-weakened body to handle (i.e. clear liquid fasting). Couple NOT eating all day with a full bottle of Miralax laxative powder, laxative tablets and all afternoon on the toilet, and by midnight that night, I was “far gone.”

Walking up the stairs to go to bed, I blacked out—passing out on the floor, and eliminating more bowels.

It took me about a minute to come to, as I don’t remember what happened, and strewn on the floor, my body started convulsing and trembling, my teeth chattering, and all I remember is asking my mom for a banana—some potassium.

Ten minutes later, the ambulance was there, and I was hooked up to IV fluids, EKG monitor and a blood pressure cuff on my way to Dell Seton Medical.

“Electrolyte imbalance,” the ER doc diagnosed, and by 4 a.m., my mom and I were back out the door to prepare for my 5 a.m. colonoscopy arrival time.

I went through with the procedure, but little did I realize the “health issues” were not over, as my body spent the next 5-6 weeks trying to recover from the stressful event, inclusive to:

2 more ER visits (for “electrolyte imbalances” and hypoglycemia)

3 urgent care visits for more fluids and blood work

A GI Doctor office that would not return my phone calls post-procedure

A severe acute allergic reaction to a cat that moved in with a new roommate

Blood sugar highs and crashes

And more than a handful of diagnoses, speculations and prescriptions from docs trying to figure out what was going on, including: Asthma, Type I Diabetes, obstructed respiratory system, low sodium, iron overload, and…adrenal insufficiency (aka: “adrenal fatigue” or “HPA Axis Dysfunction”).

Adrenal Insufficiency (aka: HPA Axis Dysfunction)

Adrenal insufficiency (aka adrenal fatigue—or “HPA Axis Dysfunction”) IS real, and although our bodies are resilient to handle stress, if TOO MUCH stress happens at once, or a SUPER STRESSFUL event sets you over the edge, then HPA Axis Dysfunction is a byproduct.

The result?

Complete body imbalance.

The news was really no new news to me. It was more like an “A ha!” moment.

A ha! This is EXACTLY what I had been experiencing all along, I thought.

I could talk about adrenal insufficiency or HPA Axis Dysfunction ALL DAY LONG. I could write about it and educate others about it.

However, when it came to looking at myself in the mirror and facing the facts that I had NOT been taking myself…easier said than done. (It is like the nail salon technician that paints everyone else’s nails—but their own).

Flat on my back, in a hospital bed in the ER after an emergency trip due to a 3 a.m. hypoglycemic blood crash after a friend’s wedding in Dallas was the wakeup call I needed.

For the past two years, (ever since my symptoms of SIBO, gut dysfunction and other health maladies had begun), my prayers had been:

“Lord, be Lord over my body,”

“Lord, bring the manna and balance to my life,” and,

“God, help restore my body to health and help me put on healthy weight.”

Be careful what you pray for.

Never in a million years did I think that my “answer” to my prayer would be in the form of a blood sugar crash, but it was the wake up call I needed.

It was as if God was saying: “Lauryn, you DON’T have to save the world…I have already done enough.” And, “Instead of trying to bring glory to yourself, bring glory to me. Live out the gifts I’ve created and let me provide the rest.”

Mic drop.

I spent the rest of the weekend, praying, thinking and broken. I didn’t want to go back to my hamster wheel ways.

And you know what…I didn’t have to. I don’t have to. And whatever plates you are spinning or race you are running too…You don’t have to either.

How HPA Axis Dysfunction Happens

So…how did my body get SO out of whack in the first place?! How does HPA Axis Dysfunction REALLY happen?

In functional medicine, there is typically a “triggering event” that sets the body “over the edge” for HPA Axis Dysfunction and distress.

In my case: the colonoscopy (on top of the past 3 years of stress) resulted in disrupted gut bacteria, along with my side effects:

My Side Effects of HPA Axis Dysfunction

“Diabetes,” hypothyroidism

Unwanted weight loss and inability to gain weight

Suppressed immune function

Autoimmune disease

Feeling “wired and tired”

Shortness of breath

Hormone imbalances

Apathy about my work

IBS

Poor workout performance

Electrolyte imbalances

Melancholy mood

…And, to say the least, an entrepreneur who was anything BUT her healthiest, most vibrant, kick-ass self.

Other Side Effects of HPA Axis Dysfunction

For others, “adrenal fatigue” or HPA-Axis Dysfunction may present as one or several of the following:

Inability to lose weight

Mood swings

Fatigue

Anxiety or Depression

Autoimmune conditions

Food intolerances

Insomnia

Needing coffee or sugar to function

Headaches

High blood pressure

Low or high heart rate

Feeling dizzy when standing up

Inability to concentrate/focus or memory loss

Lyme disease

Catching colds, flus or illnesses easily

Not “feeling like yourself”

Skin breakouts or acne

Feeling burned out or unable to do your usual basic “to dos”

Inability to tolerate exercise like you once did

Random allergies you’ve never had before

How does adrenal fatigue happen to one person but not another? What separates “adrenal fatigue,” or HPA Axis Dysfunction from regular stress?

Check out this blog to find out ALL about adrenal fatigue and HPA Axis Dysfunction, how to find out if you have it and how you (and I) can heal.

Resources

1. CDC. 2016. Colorectal Cancer Screening Capacity in the United States

2. Nicolle M. Gatto, Harold Frucht, Vijaya Sundararajan, Judith S. Jacobson, Victor R. Grann, Alfred I. Neugut; Risk of Perforation After Colonoscopy and Sigmoidoscopy: A Population-Based Study, JNCI: Journal of the National Cancer Institute, Volume 95, Issue 3, 5 February 2003, Pages 230–236,

3. Lorenzo et al. 2016. Persisting changes of intestinal microbiota after bowel lavage and colonoscopy

4. Shobar et al. 2016. The Effects of Bowel Preparation on Microbiota-Related Metrics Differ in Health and in Inflammatory Bowel Disease and for the Mucosal and Luminal Microbiota Compartments.

5. Mai, V., Greenwald, B., Glenn Morris, J., Raufman, J., & Stine, O. C. (2006). Effect of bowel preparation and colonoscopy on post‐procedure intestinal microbiota composition. Gut, 55(12), 1822–1823.

6. Immune: Oregon State University. (2013, September 16). Gut microbes closely linked to proper immune function, other health issues. ScienceDaily. Retrieved May 28, 2018

7. Immune: Nanjundappa et al, 2017. A Gut Microbial Mimic that Hijacks Diabetogenic Autoreactivity to Suppress Colitis.

8. Digestion: Lawrence, K., & Hyde, J. (2017). Microbiome restoration diet improves digestion, cognition and physical and emotional wellbeing. PLoS ONE, 12(6), e0179017.

9. Digestion: Gene Kim, Fnu Deepinder, Walter Morales, Laura Hwang, Stacy Weitsman, Christopher Chang, Robert Gunsalus, Mark Pimentel. Methanobrevibacter smithii Is the Predominant Methanogen in Patients with Constipation-Predominant IBS and Methane on Breath. Digestive Diseases and Sciences, 2012; DOI: 10.1007/s10620-012-2197-1

10. Heart: Tang et al, 2017. Gut Microbiota in Cardiovascular Health and Disease

11. Weight: Filip Ottosson, Louise Brunkwall, Ulrika Ericson, Peter M Nilsson, Peter Almgren, Céline Fernandez, Olle Melander, Marju Orho-Melander. Connection between BMI related plasma metabolite profile and gut microbiota. The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism, 01 February 2018 DOI: 10.1210/jc.2017-02114/4834036

12. Blood Sugar: Kumamoto University. (2018, April 10). How intestinal bacteria can affect your blood sugar and lipid levels. ScienceDaily. Retrieved May 28, 2018 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/04/180410100937.htm

13. Anxiety: Alan E. Hoban, Roman M. Stilling, Gerard M. Moloney, Rachel D. Moloney, Fergus Shanahan, Timothy G. Dinan, John F. Cryan, Gerard Clarke. Microbial regulation of microRNA expression in the amygdala and prefrontal cortex. Microbiome, 2017; 5 (1) DOI: 10.1186/s40168-017-0321-3

14. Depression: Clapp, M., Aurora, N., Herrera, L., Bhatia, M., Wilen, E., & Wakefield, S. (2017). Gut microbiota’s effect on mental health: The gut-brain axis. Clinics and Practice, 7(4), 987.

15. Memory: Lund University. (2017, February 10). Gut bacteria may play a role in Alzheimer’s disease. ScienceDaily. Retrieved May 28, 2018 from

16. Adrenal Health: Konturek, P. C., Brzozowski, T., & Konturek, S. J. (2011). Stress and the gut: pathophysiology, clinical consequences, diagnostic approach and treatment options. Journal of physiology and pharmacology : an official journal of the Polish Physiological Society, 6, 591–599

17. Adrenal Health: Cryan, J. F., & O’Mahony, S. M. (2011). The microbiome-gut-brain axis: From bowel to behavior. Neurogastroenterology & Motility, 23(3), 187–192. doi:10.1111/j.1365–2982.2010.01664.x

18. Exercise: Clarke, S. F., Murphy, E. F., O’sullivan, O., Lucey, A. J., Humphreys, M., Hogan, A., . . . Cotter, P. D. (2014). Exercise and associated dietary extremes impact on gut microbial diversity. Gut, 63(12), 1913–1920.

19, Headaches: Antonio Gonzalez, Embriette Hyde, Naseer Sangwan, Jack A. Gilbert, Erik Viirre, Rob Knight. Migraines Are Correlated with Higher Levels of Nitrate-, Nitrite-, and Nitric Oxide-Reducing Oral Microbes in the American Gut Project Cohort. mSystems Oct 2016, 1 (5) e00105-16; DOI: 10.1128/mSystems.00105-16

20, Attention: Carmen Cenit, María & Campillo Nuevo, Isabel & codoñer-franch, Pilar & G. Dinan, Timothy & Sanz, Yolanda. (2017). Gut microbiota and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: new perspectives for a challenging condition. European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. 26. 10.1007/s00787-017-0969-z.

21. Cancer: Fellows et al. 2018. Microbiota derived short chain fatty acids promote histone crotonylation in the colon through histone deacetylases. Nature. 9(105). doi:10.1038/s41467-017-02651-5.

Tsai et al. 2018. Prospective clinical study of circulating tumor cells for colorectal cancer screening. Journal of Clinical Oncology. 36, no. 4_suppl. 556-556… DOI: 10.1200/JCO.2018.36.4_suppl.556.

22. 6. Bullman et al. 2017. Analysis of Fusobacterium persistence and antibiotic response in colorectal cancer. DOI: 10.1126/science.aal5240

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its8simplejulesblog · 4 years

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Most People Spend Their Time Snapchatting At 2 am

Me? I watch Ted Talks. Obviously, each night is different, but tonight, I must’ve gotten sucked into some kind of black hole. As we all know, I am very much interested in neuroscience and how that translates into sociology and psychology and the way that people interact with each other. Earlier tonight I was thinking back on a conversation my mom and I had about attraction. Why are you attracted to who you’re attracted to. I don’t know if you all know this already, but clinically defined attraction is determined by the symmetries of your face. Therefore, the more symmetrical your features are on both sides of your face the more conventionally attractive you are. When you think about it though, if someone had a perfectly symmetrical face, that would be terrifying, so it’s nice that we all have some little imperfections. And, there has always been a myth that you’re attracted to people that *generally, there are absolutely exceptions* are of similar, relative attractiveness to yourself. So, I wanted to follow up with more information on that topic and since it had seemed like all my friends had disappeared, I had nothing better to do. What this ended up turning into, however, was multiple hours of me watching Ted Talks about dating and self love and happiness and giving no fucks (this was actually the title of one of them) and soulmates, but the ~science of these topics, more so than the typical “how to get a boy to like you” bullshit we’re used to seeing. Here’s what I learned

I almost didn’t write this particular post because it might get very personal and that scares me a lot. I really think there are a solid 5 people that read this though, so maybe just getting it out there is more of a strength for me than anything else. Anyway, when I think about telling people “yeah, I’m just sitting here watching Ted Talks about how to seduce people,” that is REALLY creepy haha. And yet, it was SO fascinating and if you watch it you’ll see why (I decided I’m going to link the ones I mention specifically at the bottom). First of all, this man’s VOICE is so funny. The way he talks is so British and so mechanical it’s hilarious. He talked about a social experiment where a bunch of college students went on dates. Those who asked the person out were confederates or associates of the study, while the people that got asked were the subjects (they were informed after that it was a study..cause you know, ethics). During the date, the confederates had to perform one of three tasks: agree with everything your date says, agree with nothing your date says, or disagree for the first half of the date and then agree for the second half. Interestingly, they found that the last group, rather than the first group of subjects found their dates to be the most attractive. Why? Because they felt like their date didn’t like them at first, but as they got to know each other, the date “warmed up to them.” Dr. Persaud said this is because people like to feel like they have an impact on you..and scientifically THAT is what seduction is all about. Obviously, that’s a little bit different than what people typically think about. You would think about romantic seduction, but think about it: if you’re infatuated with someone and you hook up it’s like cool..that was fun (maybe), but your mind will find a way for you to focus on something else. Conversely, what if you have, a concept, some substance (not in a dirty way, freaks). Imagine a world where you are attracted to someone and you take slightly more time to get to know them. I don’t mean five years or 5 hours or even a hour, it could just be a few minutes of humanizing them. He uses Casanova as an example because he’s in love with this actress that has a lisp so he writes her a play and...ya know..just watch it yourself. The point of this IS, is that seduction takes attention, interest, and maintenance. You have to recognize that people are individuals that really just want to be noticed and paid attention to and you’re instantly more attractive it’s not that hard.

I then ended up clicking on three of the most influential videos I think I have ever watched.

The first was a video on self-love. The presenter basically discusses the importance of marrying yourself before you devote yourself to anyone else in any regard. Anyone that knows me knows that I talk about this all the time lately. It’s something that you’ll hear over and over again until the meaning becomes a little bit meaningless. Everyone knows that self love is important, but no one really thinks about what this means. Your ability to take care of yourself, and meet yourself where you are in life is absolutely essential to the way that you will be able to provide for others. If I spend every waking moment thinking about every single person that took from me I would be too burnt out to give anyone the love that I so desperately want to give. Devote your energy where it’s needed, on yourself. It’s not selfish, it’s powerful and necessary. I promise, I PROMISE though, symbiosis only occurs when both people have something to give. If you are always giving giving giving and getting nothing, cycle back and focus on yourself first. It sounds repetitive, but once you do that, then your world will prioritize your comfort and once you are comfortable you will be in the right state of mind to surround yourself with people that provide you with what you need.

The next video was on happiness, a topic, again, so frequently discussed that its physical definition means nothing to me. Obviously, happiness is not a thing, it is not just a feeling, it is not tangible success either. Instead, and I completely agree with her definition more than any I’ve heard before, but happiness is our ability to use our gifts to enhance what we already know. For me, it was obvious in that my skill is relationship building. I LOVE to know people, every little thing. There is nothing I take more pride in than knowing as many people as I do around the world: and each one profoundly impacted me as much, if not more than I think I impacted them. Just knowing that there’s unity in spending quality time with people is THE source of my happiness, more than anything else I could possibly concoct. She also talked about the five people that we all need in our lives to maintain our happiness: that being, a cheerleader, mentor, coach, friend, and peer. I’ll let her explain that, but it really stresses the importance of the people you surround yourself with. Another mantra of mine that she mentioned when talking about those five people is that you really are a reflection of the people you spend your time with. Think about that, because you could be self sabotaging your happiness by spending time with people that couldn’t care less about their impact.

The last video I watched hit me the hardest and after watching it, I just shut my computer completely and stared at the ceiling. It was about waiting. The contents of this particular video were on the speaker’s decision to wait to have sex until she got married. Was this my personal decision as well, no, but here’s why it still impacted me more than I would have thought. This woman is 33 years old (or was at the time of the filming). She always had this vision in highschool of her first time, and was immediately shot down by her friends. She was “unrealistic” and her “standards were too high.” And yet, she had faith that she was on the right track. I can imagine that waiting, in this society, could be infinitely more difficult by media pressures that make sex a trend..and that’s really what it seems like. I think that if you’ve learned anything from the previous two paragraphs is that doing or saying something over and over decreases its value. I loved this video so much though, not because she was talking about sex, but because she related it to self worth. Everyone deserves to be treated like they’re not...”just another ___” whatever that may be. If that means waiting 33 years, hey, so be it. The more time I spend in quarantine, the more I recognize the value of my body. Everyone is so fragile and our lives are so short, don’t push yourself to a breaking point just to say you did. I, personally, do not want to let just anyone in on that vulnerability anymore. She talks about the four things we should really all be waiting for in life:

1.) The person who sees you for you...and loves you regardless. - This is the essence of acceptance. It’s the sheer concept of meeting people where they are, without making them change, without making them feel bad..about ANYTHING. It’s about complimenting each other, rather than dominating or controlling them. The people that say you have to “become like one person” have it so wrong. You are two individuals who bring out the best in that individuality. *This is where this post started getting hard for me to write so bare with me please, this is uncomfortable for me* It was fitting that this point was so prominent in this video and I happened to stumble upon it at this point in my life. There are very few people, currently, that know this, but I have a condition called vaginismus. Essentially, sex is horrible (correction, the *majority* of the time it’s horrible. If you like numbers like me, I would estimate 80% of the time). It isn’t anything that isn’t treatable, but the root cause of it in most people is either trauma or innate/ subconscious anxiety. There’s no need to talk about it in depth (unless you..wanted to?) The point is, it is a long process to get over it. Mentally, it takes a big toll on me daily. I cry probably once a day about it, but for the most part pretend like it doesn’t exist. I just sit and cry and cry and internally abuse myself over it because it’s not like I had a choice. And, if we’re digging deeper, the truth is that embedded in a society that glorifies sex I feel everyday like the world is judging me for not being able to comfortably do the only thing that seems to matter to anyone at this point. It quite literally is a pain both physically and mentally. The kind of mental pain that kicks the air out of you and makes you panic and think, “what is wrong with me..really?”

With that being said, as I always mention, I am constantly learning. Is it debilitating? Yes. I can never be as carefree as everyone always assumes I am because this will always be in the back of my mind and you never know how people will respond to it. It’s just another one of those things that makes life more stressful than it needs to be. It makes me wonder why anyone would wait around for me to figure myself out when so many other normal people exist. And I quite literally have had this point proven to me, that they won’t, even if they say they will. And for many people, an activity that is finally a source of respite is scary for me..and I feel like a liar if I say otherwise. I can love how my body looks, and other people can like what they see, but at the end of the day I hate it for not being able to do one of its most essential functions. But would anyone know that? No. And I thought I wanted it that way. It’s a mood killer and a snap back to reality when I so badly want to escape it sometimes. Who, in their right mind, would ever want to deal with *waves hands around* this. The good news, it’s not endgame ( not the marvel movie lmao). The right people/person will meet me exactly where I am and together you work around it. If they don’t, frankly I don’t need them around.

2.) The one that values what you value- I think this is simple enough. Never lower your standards for someone else. Compromise is only valid if both parties are still considered in the outcome.

3.) Purpose, not fear- This one I FELT, because she rooted it in faith. In relationships, you have to have a strong insurance in the things you hope for, even without evidence. You have to go into it giving someone the benefit of the doubt. There is something so uplifting about living life with faith. In anything really. It’s like a high, because the possibilities are endless. It’s important that you know that everyone you meet is capable of being good for you. You just may not immediately know how :)

4.) The one that makes you a priority- This one...hmm..the wording. I think that, yes, they should make you a priority. However, even more than that, they should make you making yourself a priority their priority (haha). That would then go both ways. You would put them making themselves a priority as a priority. When you care about someone, you want the best for them. Trust me, you will know the difference between genuinely wanting the best for someone and only wanting the best for them if it simultaneously benefits you. This will seem so much purer. It may not always be easier, but in the end you will always feel better.

In retrospect, it was an emotional night. I thought a lot about what I valued and what I expect. My standards are high as hell and I don’t regret it. There is a lot of me to unpack and clearly some people were too lazy to do it. That’s okay though, because now I have no issues being absolutely genuine about who I am and what I want. No one deserves to feel like something they value is unimportant. As I said earlier, I almost didn’t want to write this one because of how vulnerable it is. The idea of certain people reading this freaks me out a little bit, but the more I think about it, the more I realize how many people need to hear some of these things. There is so much strength in being nothing other than who you are.

But it’s worth it

Ted Talk Links

Seduction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3E46oWB4V0s&t=628s

Happiness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZRCFK1n-NM

Self Love: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3fIZuW9P_M

Waiting: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zw7AXwnb8M

I love you guys so much

-Julia

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clarencebfaber · 6 years