#I don't wanna talk bad about myself but I also don't wanna pretend that's not how I feel right now

[house-in-the-backyard-trees]

mental breakdown in the tags incoming scroll past for your own well being

[taurasiluvr]

I DON'T WANNA SEE YOU WITH ANYONE BUT ME / NOBODY GETS ME LIKE YOU / HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LET YOU GO? / ONLY LIKE MYSELF WHEN I'M WITH YOU / NOBODY GETS ME, YOU DO──BELLINGHAM⁵

how you can help palestine

★ been thinking about fwb!jude, blame ev for the filth you're all about to read.

 ⠀ ── ⠀warnings ;; nsfw under the cut, minors dni. friends with benefits, smut with plot, p in v, unprotected sex, cheating (on r's bf), nothing too insane

 ⠀ ── ⠀rylin's notes ;; i am sooooo down bad for jude, he's my husband. also why do 80% of my fics have to do with cheating ummmm

 ⠀ ── ⠀word count ;; 5.5k

you didn't really know how this arrangement had began, all you knew was that it was very much due to jude's very evident commitment issues.

okay, maybe commitment issues were a stretch. you'd seen how he treated his friends and family with unwavering loyalty. but when it came to relationships, there was always a barrier, an unspoken rule that he couldn't let anyone get too close. or maybe he just didn't want to ─ you weren't too sure.

it all started innocently enough.

you and jude had been friends for a while, always hanging out with the same group, always finding yourselves paired off in conversations or at the same end of the couch during movie nights. there was a comfort in your friendship, a kind of ease that made everything feel natural and genuine.

one night, after a particularly intense game and a few too many drinks, you found yourselves alone in his apartment. the air was thick with a tension that had been building for months. one thing led to another, and suddenly you were waking up in his bed, sheets tangled around your legs and his arm draped over your waist.

the next morning, you both agreed it was a one-time thing, a slip-up that wouldn't happen again.

but it did. over and over, until it wasn't just an accident anymore. it became an unspoken arrangement, a way for both of you to satisfy needs without the complications of a real relationship.

you knew it wasn't ideal. you knew that every time you woke up in his bed, you were getting a little more attached, a little more hopeful that maybe he would see you as more than just a friend with benefits. but you also knew that jude had his walls up for a reason, and trying to tear them down could end up ruining everything.

so, you kept going. you played your role, took what you could get, and tried not to think about what it meant for the future.

because as long as you had him in some way, it was better than not having him at all.

seeing him with other women was the worst part of it all. now you knew you didn't really have any rational reason to be mad because he wasn't your boyfriend ─ he was just... well, it was complicated.

you hated the gut-wrenching feeling when you saw him talking to a beautiful girl at a party, his charming smile lighting up his face in a way that made your heart ache. tt was a reminder that while you had a piece of him, it wasn’t enough to keep him from seeking out others.

you tried to mask your feelings, laughing along with your friends and pretending not to notice when he slipped away with someone new. But inside, you were screaming. the rational part of you understood that you had no claim over him, no right to be jealous. yet, the emotional part couldn't help but feel a sting of betrayal every time.

 ⠀ ── ⠀

one night, it got to be too much. you saw him at a club, his arm around a girl's waist as he whispered something into her ear, making her giggle. your stomach churned, and before you knew it, you were outside, gulping in the cool night air to calm the nausea.

when you had come back inside, your initial hurt turned into bitterness. now you usually weren't so petty ─ but if jude was allowed to go and flirt with other people, why couldn't you?

you sat down at the bar, finding some solace with the alcohol you were drinking. you knew your bait had worked when you felt someone eyeing you in your peripheral, a small smile on your face.

"hello,"

he had a slight accent, his voice was gruff and sent a shiver down your spine. you turned to face him, taking in his rugged features and confident demeanor. he was attractive, no doubt, and the way he looked at you made you feel a flicker of excitement.

"hi," you replied, your voice steady despite the storm of emotions brewing inside you.

he leaned against the bar, his gaze never leaving yours. "can i buy you a drink?"

you nodded, pushing aside the guilt that tugged at your conscience. "sure, why not?"

as you sipped the cocktail he ordered for you, you couldn't help but steal glances across the room, where jude was still engrossed in conversation with the girl. the sight fueled your determination to go through with this. if jude could have his fun, so could you.

"so, what brings you here tonight?" the man asked, his eyes glinting with interest.

you shrugged, taking another sip. "my friends told me i needed to get out, they say i've been stuck in the office for too long."

he chuckled, a low sound that made your skin tingle. "i get that. they're some good friends."

the conversation flowed easily, and you found yourself relaxing in his company. he was charming and attentive, qualities that made you feel desired in a way jude never fully did. but even as you laughed at his jokes and flirted back, a part of you remained painfully aware that this was all a distraction, a way to numb the hurt.

as the night wore on, he moved closer, his hand resting on your lower back. you allowed it, leaning into the touch, craving the comfort it provided. but just as he leaned in to whisper something in your ear, you caught sight of jude watching you from across the room, his expression unreadable.

your heart skipped a beat, a mix of triumph and regret flooding through you. you had his attention now, but at what cost? you broke away from jude's gaze, your attention fully on the man next to you.

however, before you knew it ─ you two were interrupted.

"y/n," jude's voice seemed steady but as you turned to face him, his expression nothing short of intense. his eyes bore into yours, a mixture of frustration and something else you couldn't quite place.

"jude," you replied, trying to sound casual but failing miserably. the man next to you shifted awkwardly, sensing the tension.

jude's jaw tightened as he glanced at the guy beside you, then back at you. "it's getting late, let's get outta here."

"that's funny, i was just about to ask her that." the man spoke, a hint of amusement in his voice before he cleared his throat, noting that his commentary was certainly not needed.

you blinked up at him, your lips curving into a sarcastic smile. "why don't you go ask the girl who's been keeping you busy all night?"

"that's what this is about?" jude let out a huff, his gaze boring into yours. "jealousy?"

"oh, you shouldn't be talking." you shot back, your voice tinged with bitterness. "you’ve been parading around with other women all night. don’t act like you’re innocent."

jude's eyes flashed with anger. "i wasn’t doing anything different than what we've been doing all along. you knew what this was from the start."

"yeah, i did," you snapped. "but it doesn't make it any easier to watch you with someone else."

the man next to you awkwardly excused himself, sensing the argument escalating. jude barely noticed as he took a step closer to you, his frustration palpable. "so, what? you decided to flirt with some random guy to get back at me? i don't like pettiness, you know that."

you crossed your arms, trying to hold your ground. "no, not everything is about you. maybe you just don't do it for me anymore, have you thought about that? you're not everyone's ideal man, jude."

jude stared back at you, trying to process what you just said. "oh really?" he let out a laugh but it was void of the usual amusement. were you really trying to come for his ego now?

"really," you responded, standing your ground.

"so i don't do it for you anymore, is that right?" jude glared back at you as he walked closer, his tall frame towering over you. "what's it, exactly? cause i know you're not coming for my bedroom skills."

"bingo," you answered with a smirk, grabbing the drink from the table as you took a sip. "you're exactly right."

he let out a soft chuckle as his gaze darkened. "really that guy could fuck you like i do? nobody could fuck you like i do."

you felt excitement in his words, knowing you were hitting him where it hurts. and you'd hoped it'll pay off at the end of the night. "you really think you're that good?"

"i know it,"

"cocky, jude. very cocky," you purred, stepping closer to him.

the heat between you was palpable, the air thick with unresolved tension. you could feel the intensity of his gaze as it roamed over your face, down your body, and back up to meet your eyes.

"confident," he corrected, his voice low and husky. "there's a difference."

you raised an eyebrow, a playful smile tugging at your lips. "is that right?"

he leaned in, his lips brushing against your ear as he spoke. "you know it is. and i'll can prove it to you."

a shiver ran down your spine at the closeness of his body, the warmth of his breath on your skin. you set your drink down and placed a hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat quicken under your touch.

"prove it, then," you whispered, your voice barely audible over the pounding of your own heart.

jude's eyes darkened further, a predatory gleam in them as he wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you flush against him. his other hand cupped your cheek, tilting your head up to meet his gaze. "i will, make you remember who fucks you the best."

you licked your lips, your breath hitching as his thumb traced your lower lip. "i'm counting on it,"

with a growl, he captured your lips in a searing kiss, his hand tightening around your waist as he deepened the kiss. you melted into him, all the anger and frustration from earlier dissipating in the heat of the moment. his lips were demanding, his touch possessive, as if he was claiming you all over again.

your hands found his shoulders, pulling him closer, needing more. jude responded by lifting you effortlessly, your legs wrapping around his waist as he carried you toward the exit. the world around you faded away, leaving only the two of you and the electricity sparking between your bodies.

as he pushed open the door to his car and placed you inside, you couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, this was the start of something new. something real. but you knew that was wishful thinking.

jude climbed in after you as he started the car and drove toward his place. the journey was a blur of heated kisses and whispered promises, both of you unable to keep your hands off each other.

and by the time you reached his apartment, the anticipation was nearly unbearable. he carried you inside, kicking the door shut behind him before setting you down and pinning you against the wall, his mouth trailing hot kisses down your neck.

"still think that guy could compare to me?" he murmured against your skin, his hands roaming over your body.

you moaned softly, arching into his touch. "no," you admitted breathlessly.

he smiled against your neck, his hands finding the hem of your shirt and tugging it over your head. "good. cause you’re mine, and i’m going to show you just how much you mean to me."

he carried you toward the bed, placing you down gently before hovering over you, his eyes burning with desire. you could feel the tension in the air, the electricity between you crackling with intensity.

jude's hands moved with a possessive urgency, trailing over your skin as if he needed to memorize every inch of you. your breath hitched as he leaned in, capturing your lips in another passionate kiss.

his hands were deft and skilled, knowing exactly how to make you gasp and shiver under his touch. clothes were discarded in a frenzy, the need to feel each other skin-to-skin overwhelming, leaving you naked. when he finally pushed into you, it felt like coming home, a perfect fit that made you both moan in unison.

"all mine," he whispered against your lips, his thrusts steady and deep. "don't ever forget that."

you clung to him, nails digging into his back as you matched his rhythm, losing yourself in the sensation. the way he moved, the way he touched you, it was like he was trying to prove a point with every thrust. and maybe he was. maybe this was his way of showing you just how much you meant to him, how much he needed you.

he pulled your hips upward, sitting up as he fucked into you like a starved man. his grip on your hips was firm, almost bruising, as he pulled you closer, thrusting deeper with each movement.

the intensity of his gaze bore into you, a mix of lust and possessiveness that made your heart race. your body arched off the bed, meeting him halfway, every sensation amplified by the sheer need radiating between you.

"god, you're so perfect," he groaned, his hands sliding up your sides to cup your breasts, thumbs brushing over your hardened nipples. the combination of pleasure and the raw intensity in his voice made you shiver, your body responding eagerly to his touch.

you were completely at his mercy, each thrust sending waves of pleasure through you, building higher and higher. his pace quickened, a desperate edge to his movements as if he couldn't get enough of you. you could feel the tension coiling in your core, your breaths coming in short gasps as you neared the edge.

"cum for me," he demanded, his voice a low growl that sent shivers down your spine.

the command was all it took. your body tensed, the pleasure cresting in a powerful wave that crashed over you, leaving you trembling and breathless. jude's eyes darkened with satisfaction as he watched you, his own control slipping as he followed you over the edge, his release spilling into you with a groan.

for a moment, the room was filled with nothing but the sound of your mingled breaths, the aftermath of your shared intensity leaving you both spent and sated. jude collapsed beside you, pulling you into his arms, his hold gentle now, almost tender.

"mine," he murmured again, his lips brushing your temple. "always."

you nestled against him, your fingers tracing idle patterns on his chest. "always," you echoed, the word a promise and a reminder of the connection that bound you together, for better or worse.

after that night, sex was how you fixed every little dispute you had. sure it wasn't healthy but sure as hell worked, he made sure you forgot all about why you were angry in the first place. yeah, he was cocky but it was for a reason.

 ⠀ ── ⠀

you still yearned for more.

you knew that was wishful thinking, jude was too focused on his career to even think about girls. you were the only one that he kept and you didn't know why, but you couldn't deny that it made you feel special, even if it wasn't in the way you truly wanted.

you were his escape, his relief from the pressures of his demanding life, and while you cherished the moments you had together, you couldn't shake the longing for something deeper, something more meaningful.

you often found yourself lying awake at night, replaying your conversations and encounters, searching for any sign that he might feel the same way. but jude was a closed book, his intentions unclear. it was both frustrating and intoxicating, leaving you constantly on edge, hoping for more but never quite sure if it would ever come.

one evening, after another intense round of making up, you lay in his arms, the room quiet except for the sound of your mingled breaths. jude's fingers traced lazy patterns on your skin, a touch of tenderness that made your heart ache.

"jude," you began hesitantly, unsure if you should voice the thoughts that had been plaguing you. "do you ever think about what this... what we could be if things were different?"

he stiffened slightly, his hand pausing its movements. "what do you mean?"

you took a deep breath, steeling yourself. "i mean, if you weren't so focused on football, do you think we could be more than just... this?"

jude was silent for a long moment, his gaze fixed on the ceiling. When he finally spoke, his voice was quiet, almost distant. "i don't know. my career is everything to me. it's what i've worked for my whole life."

"i get that," you said softly, turning to look at him. "but it doesn't mean you can't have something more, someone who supports you and is there for you."

he sighed, his eyes meeting yours with a mixture of regret and something else you couldn't quite decipher. "if... if things were different, sure. but not right now, i don't have time for all that right now."

all that, he called it, as if your feelings and the possibility of a deeper relationship were just another burden on his already full plate. the sting of his words was sharp, but you tried to keep your voice steady.

"all that," you repeated, a bitter smile tugging at your lips.

jude's expression softened, his hand gently cupping your cheek. "y/n, it's not that i don't want it. it's just... i can't handle more than i already have. my career, the constant travel, the pressure — it's overwhelming."

you leaned into his touch, closing your eyes briefly before opening them again to meet his gaze. "i get it, it's okay."

having some of him is better than have none of him, you kept reminding yourself as he sighed in relief, closing his eyes as he drifted off to sleep. you lay there for a while, listening to the sound of his breathing and feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest against your back.

the reality of your situation weighed heavily on you, the knowledge that you would always come second to his career. but in those quiet moments, it was hard to focus on the negative. there was something so peaceful about being in his arms, so right, that made it difficult to let go.

days turned into weeks, and the cycle continued. you took what you could get, savoring the good moments and enduring the difficult ones. your friends started to notice the change in you, the way your mood would swing based on your interactions with jude. they would offer concerned looks and ask if everything was okay, but you always brushed them off with a smile and a nonchalant "i'm fine."

deep down, you knew they were right to worry. the emotional toll of your arrangement with jude was starting to wear on you, and you were constantly on edge, wondering when the next blow would come. you tried to distract yourself with work and hobbies, but nothing seemed to fill the void that jude left when he wasn't around.

 ⠀ ── ⠀

THREE MONTHS LATER

 ⠀ ── ⠀

it's crazy how much could change within 3 months. after a while, you stopped talking to jude and he understood why ─ you were hurting and you needed time. you found a boyfriend and of course jude wasn't too happy about that, but he couldn't really do anything about it.

you met your boyfriend at a friend’s birthday party. he was charming, attentive, and most importantly, he was ready for a relationship. things moved quickly, and soon enough, you found yourself in a stable, happy relationship. he treated you with the care you had longed for, and for the first time in a while, you felt like you were moving forward.

it didn't stop you from missing jude. the excitement you got from the way his presence made your heart race, was something you couldn’t easily forget. despite your boyfriend's kindness and the stability he offered, there was a lingering sense of something unfulfilled, a part of you that still yearned for the intensity you once had with jude.

one evening, as you and your boyfriend were having dinner at your favorite restaurant, your phone buzzed with a message. you glanced at it, your heart skipping a beat when you saw jude's name.

jude: miss you.

you quickly turned your phone face down, trying to focus on the conversation with ben, but the message stayed with you, echoing in your mind. you couldn’t deny that a part of you missed him too, missed the thrill and the connection you shared.

 ⠀ ── ⠀

the euros had came and your friends had bought tickets to go see england in the quarterfinals versus switzerland, they eventually convinced you to come. the thought of seeing jude on the pitch, representing his country, filled you with a mix of excitement and nerves.

on the day of the match, the stadium was buzzing with energy. you and your friends found your seats, the sea of england fans creating a vibrant atmosphere. as the players took to the field, your eyes were immediately drawn to jude. he looked focused, determined, and undeniably handsome in his england kit.

the match was intense, with both teams fighting hard for a place in the semifinals. you cheered along with the crowd, your emotions swinging with every close call and near miss. seeing jude play with such passion and skill reminded you why you had fallen for him in the first place.

when the final whistle blew, signaling england's victory, the celebration in the stadium was electric. you watched as jude and his teammates hugged, their faces alight with joy. you couldn't take your eyes off him, feeling a deep sense of connection despite the physical distance between you.

after the match, your friends had gotten invited to the celebratory party due to their connections to the english players. you knew you'd eventually be seeing jude and you just had to trust yourself to not fall in his trap once again.

well, you were wrong.

your legs tightened around jude's waist as he pushed the door of his hotel room open, his lips never leaving yours. he closed the door with his foot, pushing you against it when it closed.

you moaned against his lips as his hands roamed over your body, his touch igniting a fire within you. his kisses were demanding, filled with a hunger that mirrored your own. you could feel the intensity of his desire, the way he held you close as if afraid you might slip away.

"jude," you breathed, your fingers tangling in his hair. "we shouldn’t be doing this."

"i know," he murmured against your skin, his lips trailing down your neck. "can’t help it. i need you, y/n. how can i celebrate without you?"

his words sent a shiver down your spine, and any resolve you had left melted away. you had tried to move on, to build a new life with your boyfriend, but being in jude's arms again felt like coming home.

"just this once," you whispered, your voice barely audible.

he pulled back slightly, his eyes searching yours. "just this once," he agreed, though you both knew it was a lie.

with a growl, he captured your lips again, his hands gripping your hips as he carried you to the bed. he laid you down gently, his body pressing against yours as he deepened the kiss. you could feel the heat between you growing, the familiar ache of desire spreading through you.

"god, i’ve missed this," he groaned, his hands sliding under your shirt. "missed you."

"me too," you admitted, your breath hitching as his fingers brushed against your skin.

clothes were quickly discarded until you were in left in your bra and underwear, the urgency between you leaving little room for hesitation. jude's touch was both familiar and electrifying, every caress reminding you of the connection you had tried so hard to forget. he moved with a confidence that made your heart race, his hands and lips worshipping your body as if making up for lost time.

"mine," he murmured against your ear, his voice rough with emotion. "no one else can make you feel like this."

"yes," you gasped, arching into his touch. "i’m yours, jude. always."

his eyes darkened with possessiveness, a primal satisfaction evident in his gaze. "i’ll never let you go again," he promised, his lips crashing into yours with renewed fervor.

his hands found your hips as he pushed you into the mattress, you let out another moan at his roughness. something your boyfriend never managed to do, you were never satisfied with the sexual part of your relationship.

he began rubbing his finger against your clothed core, his ego skyrocketing at the wetness that was already soaking through your panties. "look at you," he murmured, his voice dripping with pride. "so wet for me."

you whimpered in response, your hips bucking against his hand. "jude, please," you begged, the need in your voice unmistakable.

"please what?" he teased, his fingers slipping under the fabric to stroke you directly. "tell me what you want, y/n."

"i want you," you gasped, your body trembling with anticipation. "i need you inside me, jude. now."

"oh yeah?" his voice was hoarse as he gazed down at you, taking in your form. he stopped his movements as he licked his lips, "does he fuck you like i do? tell me."

jude was teasing and you hated it. you also loved it, loved the way he made you work for it.

"no," you admitted breathlessly, your hips moving in a desperate attempt to find some friction. "no one fucks me like you do, jude. only you."

a satisfied smirk tugged at the corners of his mouth. "that's what i thought," he murmured, his fingers resuming their torturous movements. "you're mine, y/n. always have been, always will be."

"please," you begged, your voice breaking with need. "i need you, jude. please."

"aw, poor baby. bet you haven't cum in a while, right? he looks like he doesn't know how to fuck, right?" jude mocked as he leaned in closer to press a soft kiss to your forehead. "he's a damn loser. let me show you how a real man fucks, yeah?"

"please," you repeated as you nodded, too lost in the pleasure to think clearly.

he chuckled softly, clearly relishing the power he held over you. "since you asked so nicely," he said, positioning himself at your entrance. with a single, powerful thrust, he filled you completely, drawing a loud moan from your lips.

the sensation was overwhelming, the pleasure so intense that it bordered on pain. jude moved with a possessiveness that left you breathless, each thrust driving you closer to the edge.

his hands found your hips as he began fucking into you, your body arching to meet his every thrust. each movement was deliberate and intense, a reminder of the connection you shared and the passion that had never truly faded.

"god, you feel so good," he groaned, his grip tightening as he quickened his pace. "so tight, fuck. like you were made for me."

"yes," you gasped, your nails digging into his shoulders as you clung to him. "only you, jude. no one else."

the words seemed to drive him wild, his thrusts becoming even more frantic as he pushed you both closer to the edge. the room was filled with the sounds of your bodies, each moan and gasp a testament to the intensity of the moment.

"can't get enough of you," he muttered, his voice rough with emotion. "i need you, y/n. always."

"always," you echoed, your own voice trembling with the force of your feelings. "i'm all yours, jude."

the coil of pleasure inside you tightened with each thrust, building to a crescendo that left you breathless and desperate for release. jude's movements became almost frenzied, his own need evident as he chased his climax.

"cum for me," he commanded, his voice a low growl. "wanna feel you come around me."

the words sent you over the edge, your body convulsing with the intensity of your orgasm. you cried out his name, the pleasure washing over you in waves that left you trembling and gasping for breath.

jude followed moments later, his own release hitting him with the force of a tidal wave. he buried himself deep inside you, his body shuddering as he spilled into you, as if he was reclaiming all over again. for a long moment, you both lay there, tangled together and utterly spent.

finally, he shifted, rolling onto his side and pulling you into his arms. you nestled against him, savoring the warmth and closeness. his fingers traced lazy patterns on your back, a tender gesture that made your heart ache with longing.

"break up with him," he spoke, his voice was hoarse.

"jude..." you moved your head so you could face him, a frown curving your lips. "it's not that easy,"

"you just cheated on him and all it took were a couple drinks." he replied nonchalantly, his voice tinged with annoyance. "obviously he doesn't fuck you well, cause you felt this the moment i touched you."

"it's not just about that," you protested, your voice a mixture of guilt and frustration. "he's a good guy. he treats me well, and i do care about him."

"but you don't love him," jude shot back, his eyes locking onto yours with an intensity that made your heart skip a beat. "not the way you love me."

the truth in his words stung, and you knew he was right. but breaking up with your boyfriend wasn't just about ending a relationship; it meant facing the reality of your feelings for jude and the complicated situation you found yourselves in.

"i don't want to hurt him," you admitted, your voice barely above a whisper.

"but you can't keep pretending." he spoke, his gaze never leaving yours. "look, i know... i was selfish."

was, as in past tense. you noted.

"i wasn't thinking about what you wanted and... i knew i wasn't fulfilling your emotional needs. i didn't know what i had til you left," jude continued, his voice sincere. "god, nobody does it like you. i've looked but nobody feels like you and it's deeper than just sex it's..."

he paused, feeling vulnerable as he sighed. where was he even going with this?

"it's everything," jude finally said, his voice softening. "it's the way you make me feel, the way you understand me without me having to say a word. it's the way you laugh, the way you support me, the way you just... get me."

you felt your heart swell at his words, the sincerity in his eyes making you believe every word. it was everything you had wanted to hear, but the reality of your situation made it hard to fully embrace it.

"jude, i need you to understand that this isn't just about you and me," you said gently, trying to convey the complexity of your feelings. "i do care about ben, and breaking up with him is going to hurt him. i can't just ignore that."

"i know," he replied, his hand cupping your cheek. "and i'm not asking you to ignore it. i'm asking you to be honest with yourself and with him. you deserve to be happy, and so does he. even if it means going through some pain first."

you sighed, knowing he was right. it was a difficult decision, but staying in a relationship where your heart wasn't fully invested was unfair to both you and ben.

"okay," you said softly, leaning into his touch. "i'll talk to him. but jude, i need you to promise me something."

"anything," he replied, his eyes full of determination.

"i need you to be all in," you said, your voice steady despite the emotion in your chest. "if we're going to do this, i need to know that you're committed, that this isn't just about the thrill or the sex. i need to know that you're ready for something real."

jude's eyes softened, and he nodded, his hand gently squeezing yours. "i promise, y/n. i'm all in. i want this to work, more than anything. and i'll do whatever it takes to make sure you know that."

with those words, a sense of resolve settled over you. it wouldn't be easy, and there would be challenges ahead, but for the first time, you felt like you were moving in the right direction.

as you lay back in his arms, feeling the warmth and security of his embrace, you knew that this was the beginning of a new chapter. one where you were finally choosing to follow your heart, no matter where it led.

if you enjoyed, any interaction is greatly appreciated!

with love, rylin 𝜗𝜚

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

First, let me apologise for making people worry. I appreciate all those who reached out and I'm sorry that I couldn't get back to you all.

I have been through a very rough spiral. It was building for months, and I am still not fully okay.

For those who want context, it's under the cut.

I bought a house in May. It's expensive. I wasn't ready financially or in many ways for that step, but my partner convinced me. I told him as much but I was not heard. Alas, I have a mortgage, full time work, astudent loan, and an ongoing school program to contend with. It hasn't been easy and it caught up to me.

At the same time, a person who traumatised me and I have no way of fully extricating from my life, has moved closer. To keep the peace, I have to associate with him to a degree and he pretends that nothing ever happened. To him, it was nothing.

In June, I moved. It was hard and fast paced. I did most of the paperwork etc for the whole process and obv helped with the physical transition as well. I was responsible for deadlines and checklists for not just myself but my partner.

I was plugging holes in a sinking boat.

At the same time, I had obligations to my family. Every weekend if I wasn't dealing with the house and all that goes into it, I was running around to babysit or see family or whathave you.

In July, I pinched a nerve behind my tailbone. I missed a week of work bc my injury but it took longer for my to recover. I am still feeling it today. It was more than physical, but emotional.

I also got three periods that month. Hormonal can't begin to explain how fucked up I've been.

On top of all that, there are underlying issues associated with other trauma and discontent. I'm realising that I have been loyal and tolerant to the point of my own detriment.

I don't want to hurt people how I've been hurt, so I don't speak up. When people tell me something about myself, I let all the doubts planted in my mind from years of abuse convince me that they're right. I can admit my faults but often times I will think that proof of one flaw means everything about me is rotten.

People forget about me or just don't care. Both or either. They don't put the same effort in that I do. I find it hard to connect because years of disregard and neglect have told me that the other side just won't care.

But I'm not just hurt, I'm angry. I'm seeking therapy and trying to figure this out.

It all boiled over after my last post. Nothing I do is enough. For anyone. Not even when it's a hobby. I was frustrated bc the place I use for escape just made me feel like less than.

Obviously, I don't mean everyone or even the majority. I appreciate the discourse and fun and everything here! There are so many awesome people to interact with and I have missed you all, however, my headspace was bad. Very bad. I had thoughts I haven't dealt with in years.

I put my nose down and just went to work. I didn't wanna talk to anyone. I didn't wanna be in the world.

I did some reading, eventually some non-fandom writing, and sometimes, I just stayed alive.

I don't know if I'm really okay but I'm trying.

To those who have been so patient and supportive, you deserve everything. To those who are silent supporters, you do too. And even to those people who send me the most vile hate, you deserve to lift yourself out of the dark space you're stuck in. Hopefully, I can, too.

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

Charlie: "You know what your traumatic backstory calls for?"

Vaggie: "Hugs?"

Charlie: "THERAPY!"

Vaggie: "Charlie, I don't need-"

Charlie: "Oh YOU don't need therapy? Really? Really."

Vaggie: "..... I'm perfectly functional. Also, it's my trauma."

Charlie: "And is this OUR loving relationship?"

Vaggie: "Of course it-"

Charlie: "The one I'm planning on spending the rest of my life in? Trauma included?"

Vaggie: "I- if, if you want to-?"

Charlie: "Just like how YOU'VE spent three years helping ME with the whole 'wow my family fell apart soooo fast let me cope by latching onto the dream of my disappeared mom while pretending it's totally fine I somehow feel even MORE distant from my dad who lives only a ten minute walk across town' thing? Making 'help charlie!' into your whole Reason for Being?!"

Vaggie: "Hold on, I wasn't in the best headspace when that slipped out-"

Charlie: "OBJECTION! Clear admission of truth!"

Vaggie: "-fuck."

Charlie: "And did you let me be there for you then, when your head was in a bad place? Or did you pull a 'I want to be alone' card?"

Vaggie: "I just needed- I didn't want to say anything else stupid."

Charlie: "Oh so you didn't wanna be dramatic about it, huh?"

Vaggie: "Yes- NO!"

Charlie: "Like how I can be dramatic?"

Vaggie: "It's not the same-"

Charlie: "Do YOU like being there for ME when I'M in a really bad no good and sad headspace?"

Vaggie: "You know I do."

Charlie: "Even when I go sit in a corner my own because I still can't believe there's someone in my life who'll want to come looking for me- who I don't need to apologize for being sad or 'dramatic' around- and who says she's HAPPY to be worrying about me?"

Vaggie: "Sweetie I am happy to worry about you."

Charlie: "Ah-HA! But I don't get to do that for you! YOU want me to be sad around YOU-"

Charlie: "Wait that sounds weird, uhh- oh whatever-"

Charlie: "Point is, I don't get to see YOU being sad around ME! And no, anger don't count! You like being grumpy! Grumpy is active! It feels productive and that's why you hate feeling SAD!"

Vaggie: "You just said you hide it from me too. Even after three years of being together."

Charlie: "Oh no really? Does that bother you???"

Vaggie: "It worries me!"

Charlie: "Okay then!!! EXACTLY! We both need therapy."

Vaggie: "...."

Vaggie: "That's fair."

Charlie: (preening) "Thank you."

Vaggie: “How the fuck did you not win that case up in Heaven.”

Charlie: "Angels are jerks and their minds are hard to change. Not my angel though. Mine is great~"

Vaggie: "Hold that thought until after I've asked this one question, sweetie."

Charlie: "Ask away!"

Vaggie: "How do we do therapy."

Charlie: "....."

Charlie: "H-"

Vaggie: "Without using Husk and alcohol. We are not paying him enough to deal with my angelic shit."

Charlie: "We could give him a raise- how much do you think-?"

Vaggie: "Not even if we gave him the hotel, babe."

Charlie: "Oh."

Vaggie: "So. What does sober therapy look like?"

Charlie: "Hmm....."

Charlie: "......."

Charlie: "Next question."

Vaggie: "Do you wanna just start off with a hug."

Charlie: "I want to pat myself on the back for having such a smart, supportive girlfriend- but you'll have do to it for me instead. While we hug."

-phone call time-

Carmilla: "You have five seconds before I hang up. Talk.

Charlie: "Carmilla, hi!!! It's about Vaggie-"

Carmilla: "No."

Charlie: "Oh ok! I just thought-"

Carmilla: "No."

Charlie: "-you seemed to really care about her, and maybe see a bit of yourself in her, maaaaybe you'd have some tips on-"

Carmilla: "No. Take her to Rosie's. Go with her and STAY with her."

Charlie: "Rosie- OF COURSE Rosie's! Right! I will!!"

Carmilla: "Don't take it personally when she tries to escape."

Charlie: "When she whats?

Carmilla: "The brooding silently in a chair and refusing to talk will also pass. Give her space. But don't leave her."

Charlie: "No no I won't, but why would she try esc-"

Charlie: "Oh Vaggie! No, I'm just on the phone with Carmilla-"

Vaggie: "WHAT."

Charlie: "-we're talking therapy ideas for you! And-"

Vaggie: (muffled swearing)

Charlie: "-she says Rosie's might be a good idea! You know, like how Alastor took there so I could talk everything out with someone finally, well I guess and also to get a cannibal army, but Rosie helping me with the you issue by laying my heart bare to her was the main good thing from all that, so-"

Charlie: "-VAGGIE GET BACK HERE!"

Carmilla: "Condolences on her having wings again. Good luck"

Carmilla: (hangs up to the sound of frantic flapping and yelling)

Zestial: "...."

Zestial: "...toss'ed to the very wolves... truly, that was wretched of thee."

Carmilla: "I owe them nothing."

Zestial: "And what of thyself?"

Carmilla: "Why, were my disinterested actions of a moment ago not self-serving enough for you?"

Zestial: "Thou art denying much in thine distance from her."

Carmilla: "I already have two daughters-"

Zestial: "As thou sayst."

Carmilla: "You are not my therapist, Zestial."

Zestial: "Nay- would that thou should'st yet find one, old friend."

Carmilla: "Be quiet."

Zestial: "Shan't~"

[alder-saan]

His sister...

Larissa x normie! fem! reader

OKAY this is the second time I post it bcz... well that was a wip and I posted it... I hate myself right now. Anyway I have to re-wright it. All of it. But that's okay :) (no that's not I wanna end myself)

Warnings : smut (that's the first time I write smut lol (the second as I already wrote this fic)) (the smut isn't with Larissa)

You are Larissa's brother's wife.

word count: ~3000

(I know this will look a bit like Mme Bovary, but... well, it's not a classic of French literature for nothing)

You had married Philip Weems two months earlier. You didn’t love him. He was eleven years older than you, and not really your type. In fact you didn’t really choose to be his wife and to live in his house. Your father and him wanted to reunite their companies, and you were only there to make it look less commercial. You were here to give an heir. Lovely mission, you were not a woman anymore, you were a baby machine. He had flirted with you before you took the deal, probably to build up your confidence and make it easier for you to accept the situation, but now that you were his, he didn't pay any attention to you.

In his big house, your life was boring. You didn't have a degree, school was never really for you and because your father was rich, you never had to work. So naturally you had resumed reading. It allowed you to live a different life through the eyes of all the characters. And all day long you would read more and more of those mushy novels, dreaming of a life that was no longer available to you. You also started writing, but without telling anyone. It was a bit of a secret. You wrote the romantic stories you imagined all day. And then every day you went out to see your friends in a café in your neighbourhood.

“I promise, Jess’, he doesn’t bother me. I mean, he’s respectful. And I don’t need to work. A win is a win.”

Your friend Jessica narrowed her eyes.

“You sure ? I mean… you always told me you wanted to marry the love of your life when you’d find him.”

“I was younger, Jess’. I don’t believe in this bullshit anymore.”

Yes, you did believe it. You wanted to cry about it. You wanted to know Love. The Real Love. You wanted to meet him by accident in a library, or in a hostel, on the other side of the world. You wanted him to be young, at the same age as you, and you wanted him to love you.

You also wanted to work, to earn your own money.

“Respectful, okay but is he good?” Mary asked

“He is kind, if this is your question.” You pretended not to understand.

“You know what I mean, Y/N.”

“Not really, I doubt he is really interested in me. I mean I am probably too young for him. We just do it because that was a part of the contract, but he never makes me finish. Anyway I don’t need him for that.”

“You don’t love him and he doesn’t look after you. What a nightmare…” Jessica said.

“That’s not that bad. I don't have to worry about money, I have all my days to myself. I can look after myself.“

That wasn’t a positive thing in your opinion. You wanted to be independent. You wanted to be able to do whatever you could want. This made you feel like you were an object, some kind of trophy that he could show off at the parties you attended. You were there to be beautiful and to be silent. 

No, the real positive thing was that you now understood your mother, and why she left you when you were a child. Your father always told you she was a bad mother and she didn’t love you. And before you got married, you were mad at her. But you knew, now you were married to a man you didn’t love. She didn’t love you, but she probably never wanted this marriage nor a child. You were thinking of leaving once you'd given Philip a child, the way she did before.

You wanted to find her, and to talk to her. You wanted to know the story of her life, of her marriage to your father. You also wanted to tell her that you understood her, and that you were no longer angry at her for abandoning you. If she hadn't wanted to be your mother, you wanted her to be your friend, because you were going through something she had gone through too..

“Alright girls, I gotta go. See you tomorrow!” You waved at them and left the café after paying for your drink.

It was time for you to go back to your home. Your husband would be home in less than half an hour. You had to help Livia cook. It wasn't in the contract, but you wanted to do it. Livia, although she spoke very little English, made you feel less lonely. She spoke to you in her half-Spanish English about her travels with her family. Even though she often told the same stories, you liked to hear her talk about places you had never seen. Especially when she talked about the sea of clouds over the Sierra Madre. You dreamed of going there. She told you that when she came back to visit her parents, she could take you there. But you knew your husband wouldn't let you go... And then you helped her to speak better English, she had made progress in the last two months. She taught you Spanish too, but for now, the only things you could say were "Soy Y/N, no me gusta mi marido" and some names of foods and ingredients.

Then, your husband would go home, and you would have dinner. He would watch tv, and the both of you would go to bed, and you would have to fuck. 

Soon, he would fall asleep next to you.

And every night, after that, you used to imagine another man. Sometimes it was an explorer who would tell you about his many journeys, a writer who would make you read his most intimate texts, a painter who would take you for his muse... 

But that night, he was a sailor. A handsome sailor you would have met in the inn where you were working. He would have asked for a room for the night and a meal. And while you were serving him, he would have made a few passes at you, to which you would have responded by teasing him. If at the beginning, it would have been innocent, you would have quickly come to the point where he would have proposed you to spend the night with him, at the end of your service. To which you would have replied with a "maybe", but as soon as your boss allowed you to leave, you would have knocked on his door.

“I was wondering when you’d come…” he would tell you.

Then he would take your waist and hold you close. You would kiss him, and it would become wilder as his hands would travel to your ass. He would gently but firmly push you against the wall.

“You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” He would whisper. You would know that was a lie, but you wouldn’t care. And he would know it.

He would kiss your neck while undressing you. And when you would be completely naked, he would sit you on the bed and spread your legs to kiss your inner thighs, then your clit. He would lick your arousal and you would moan his name.

In your bed, you were circling your clit, legs spread, a hand massaging your breast. You imagined his head facing your wet pussy, saying you were tasting divine, his hands all over your body, caressing your skin. You were already so close and as he would ask you to hold on a little, you waited a few seconds before allowing you to come. 

Next to you, your husband was sleeping.

Soon, you fell asleep too.

The sun was brushing your skin, slowly warming it. You opened your eyes. You were alone in your giant bed. Philip was already gone. You heard the clock striking nine. He used to leave the house near seven o’clock. You stretched your arms and legs and yawned. Watching towards the window, you could see the blue sky. This day promised to be good. You quickly showered and dressed up. Something simple. Black tights, dark skirt, white shirt. A safe bet. But to add a small personal touch, you clipped a blue tit pin on your shirt. 

You always liked blue tit. Firstly because they were cute. A tiny bird, yellow and blue, with a kind of large eye liner and white cheeks. Secondly because you wished to go to Europe once. You wanted to travel to Austria, or Germany, and this Eurasian tit symbolised this dream.

Maybe one day you would quit New Hampshire.

Something on the dresser caught your eye. Some 50 dollar notes had been put there by your husband. He had written a message on a piece of paper: "so you can go shopping today, we have a guest for lunch".

You frowned and crumpled the paper. So he wanted you to look good with his guest, uh? 

“I’m not a teen who needs pocket money.” you grumbled. 

You put on black shoes, music in your earphones, and went out of the house. In the streets, the sun was warming the asphalt, and your steps led you almost automatically to the little café bakery in which you usually  bought your breakfast.

Opening the door, a smell of butter, sugar and vanilla reached your nostrils. By 9 am, not many people were left. But you would have noticed her in a crowd of thousands of people. She was sitting on a chair, a big cup of hot chocolate and a croissant on the table in front of her. Her blonde hair in a perfect updo, she wore a clear blue dress. She was looking at the window, her phone in one hand. She was so tall… Your mouth went dry when you noticed her red lipstick as she turned her head towards you. She had caught you staring in the glass reflection. She gave you a smile, and you were sure your cheeks became as red as her lips. You turned your head to the counter to order, removing your earphones.

Were you just staring at a woman?

Did she just smile at you?

You glanced over your shoulder. She was still looking at you, her blue eyes fixed on you, crossing her legs. She took a sip in her cup.

“Hot…” you whispered.

“Excuse me, Y/N?” the waiter asked.

“Yes-yes, Nicolas, er, I-I want a-a hot chocolate please. And… and, er… a profiterole please. Takeaway.”

“Ready in a second.”

You couldn’t stand her look, it made your knees go weak. Was it what Jess called a “gay panic?”. You had to know and tipped a message.

: Hey, Jess

: What exactly is a gay panic?

She was quick to respond.

J: When you look at a girl and you want to like… kiss her. Immediately. And you can’t function properly bcz you think about her kissing you.

J: Why?

: There is this woman at Nic’ and Jane

: I never felt like this for a woman.

: She’s so beautiful, I want her lipstick on my lips and on my throat right now.

J: Oh my god

J: You’re gay!

: Am I?

J: You ARE.

“Y/N?” Nicolas said.

“Uh? Yes, it’s me”

“I have your hot chocolate and your profiterole.”

“Thanks”

“Is everything okay? You seem distracted…”

“Yeah, I’m fine, thank you. Is it okay if I pay later? I forgot my wallet at home.”

“Of course, whenever you want.”

You took the paper bag he handed to you and went out of the café-bakery. The fresh air was really needed. You put your earphones back on.

Who was she?

You had never seen her. 

Walking the street, you arrived in the big park in which you always ate your breakfast. Your favourite place was in a sort of hidden place, under a badly pruned weeping willow. There was a bench, and a little pond in which ducks used to swim when you were a kid, but now, there were only frogs left. Sometimes, a grey heron you named Alex was fishing in it. A grey heron in New Hampshire. That was the local attraction. It escaped an aviary two years ago and settled up in the park. No one tried to catch it. And now, it was the star of the neighbourhood's children, who often tried to find it. Sometimes, when it was in the pond, you would talk to it, as if it could understand what you were saying. And for the only answer, Alex would keep fishing, at the other side of the pond.

But this day, no Alex in the pond. And the frogs were happily jumping in the grass. The sunshine passing between the branches of the willow tree made thousands of small sun spots on the now shimmering  water. You wiped the bench full of willow leaves with your hand and sat there.

While drinking your hot chocolate, you thought about this woman, in the café bakery… 

You wanted to see her again…

You had just finished your hot chocolate and ate your pastry when you heard footsteps in your back. You hoped no one would pass the curtain of leaves which hid you from the world. You liked to be alone, daydreaming about people you would never see again… Shit, they entered your secret garden. You sighed.

“What a pleasant surprise!”

You turned your head. That was her. She was there, next to you. Your eyes widened, your cheeks went red.

“Hi-uh… Hello.” You managed to say.

“Y/N, isn’t it? Can I sit here?”

“Y-yes, of course. How-how do you know my name?”

“I heard the waiter say it.” She sat, smiling at you. “My name is Larissa.”

“Larissa…” you whispered. Her name was quite unusual, and you liked it, you liked the way it sounded. You couldn’t look at her so you just fixed the water.  But in your peripheral vision you saw her smirk.

“And I paid your order.”

You turned your head towards her. Big mistake, now you couldn't take your eyes off hers.

“Oh no, you shouldn’t have…”

“And you should have sat with me in the bakery. I’m glad I found you.”

“Wh-why?”

Her look went down on your lips. You felt your cheeks warming.

“I don’t know” she said “I thought you could show me a good time…”

“I-I want to pay you back.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But I want to.”

“Mh, if you really want to, there is something you could do.”

“And what is it?”

Her hand approached your cheek. You held your breath. Was she about to kiss you? Your heart hammered in your chest as she stared again at your lips. 

“I-I am a married woman.”

She froze. You held your breath. The wind blew and some willow leaves fell on you, the frogs and the pond.

“I’m sorry. I think I misunderstood your signals” She gave you a soft smile.

She started to pull her hand away from your cheek but you held it back.

“No you didn’t. I-I just thought that was unfair not to tell you.”

“I don’t understand…”

“That’s not a love marriage. I don’t love him, he doesn’t love me.”

“Oh. I’m so sorry.”

You shook your head. You didn’t like this pity gaze on you.

“Don’t. That’s okay.”

“You know, I was almost forced into a marriage, so I think I can understand what you feel.”

Her? Her, forced into a marriage? You suddenly felt understood, and safe with her. She took your hand.

“My former fiancé learnt I wasn’t a normie and refused the marriage.”

“What do you mean by a normie? You mean straight?”

“Yeah, I mean straight.” She didn’t want to tell you she was an outcast.

“To be honest I learnt I wasn’t today.”

“Am I your gay awakening?” Her smile grew bigger as you nodded.

She kissed you. Her lips were soft. Both of her hands on your cheeks, yours were on her hips. She left a last kiss on your cheekbone and smiled.

“How about a walk? Maybe you could show me the city.” She said.

“Of course, follow me.” You smiled.

You stood up and the both of you came out from under the willow.

“What was yours?” you asked, leading her on a path in the park.

“My gay awakening?”

“Yes”

You looked at her looking at the big trees. 

“My brother’s first girlfriend. He always had good tastes in women. By the way, are you from this town? Because I’m visiting him, and he said he would send me the address but he seemed to have forgotten. Can’t blame him, he has a lot of work.”

“Yes, of course, I live in the neighbourhood. I might know him, what’s his name?”

“Philip Weems.”

You frowned. What did she say?

“I didn’t hear, can you repeat, please?”

“His name is Philip Weems.”

That was official, you just kissed your husband’s sister. What were you supposed to say? Was she the guest for lunch? 

“Are you okay? If you don’t know where he lives, that’s okay.”

“I know where he lives.”

“Good morning Mrs Weems” a gardener said.

“Goo-good morning, Mr Johnson. How are you today?” you replied.

Larissa frowned. Did she know him?

And you cursed him for saying that right now.

“I’m fine, and you?”

“I’m fine.”

And he continued sweeping the path beside you.

“Mrs Weems, uh? You’re Philip’s wife.”

“I am.”

She chuckled.

“That only makes you more attractive…”

_______________________________________________

Hope you enjoyed <3

[ryuichirou]

So i'm reading your yandere/hypnosis post and i get to Vil being utterly jealous enough to try on Rook; and it makes me think about his drive and the second place club lol (Leona, Jamil and Vil) like D: poor them they're always outranked by that ooonnee person! Can our boys catch a break? whether that person knows or not I always tend to feel bad--especially for Vil since i remember his inner speech in book 5 and the fact that his most trusted person ended up being such a big fan of the person who makes him feel like second best. wait i love rookvil i think i made myself sad LOL NOoo--aahh I rambled im sorry, i guess the main question i wanna ask is what do you think about those particular three always having to come second to their respective counterparts? I think your opinions and insight is so interesting that i'd like to know your thoughts on this! and you don't have to answer for all three characters if you dont wanna I was just curious on your thoughts! Anyways, have a good day and stay hydrated! it's hot this summer oof

Anon! Took some time to get back to you as well, sorry for the late reply. Summer is already over, but it’s still SO HOT…

Without diving into just how much I love the ending of book5 and the whole Rook-Vil-Neige thing (I feel like I talk about it all the time LOL)… It is interesting how these Vil, Jamil and Leona always get to be second best, isn’t it? But ironically, I don’t think I ever grouped them in my head based on this. Maybe it’s because of how different their situations are? But also now that I think about it…

Vil isn’t better than Neige, and he tries to be better by working hard.

Jamil is better than Kalim, but he can’t be better because of his status.

Leona may or may not be better than Falena in some ways, but he doesn’t even bother.

Ignoring the fact that this “better” is always subjective and in actuality things are more complex than that… and also trying not to sound like an armchair therapist that’s just telling anime boys “you should have done this you idiot”, but.

Jamil got the most development in that sense because this internal conflict is very straightforward, in fact, he was the easiest one to describe with these little sentences I just wrote. Jamil wants to stop pretending to be worse than he is, he wants to work hard and to show how great he is without being forced to get worse results than Kalim. He is only the second best because he consciously allows Kalim to be the best whenever he is given this choice. And he isn’t always given a choice: a lot of times the system decides for him, just like when Crowley chose Kalim to be the housewarden. Still, even in that situation, Jamil knows for a fact the shape, the density and the nature of this ceiling he can’t break, he’s been aware of it for his entire life. This is why it’s easy to pinpoint moments of Jamil’s growth: when he expresses how much he hates pretending to be worse than Kalim, when he says that he won’t hold back anymore, when he gets to dance and rap at VDC as a lead-vocalist and, ironically, when he gets scolded by Leona in ch6 (I have some issues with their sub-story, but still).

With Vil, the difficult part is to understand what exactly he understands as “beauty”: I mentioned it in a bunch of Vil-centric posts, but we’ve seen how in-canon he was described as too beautiful, therefore not as relatable as Neige. So this isn’t about beauty, and in a way I think this isn’t about Neige either. This is about Vil’s own feeling of self-worth and self-expression, and how people perceive him; Neige is just a very good point of reference, a good metric, especially considering that they always end up being compared to each other and that comparing numbers of followers is easy and seemingly objective (which is a cruel trap a lot of people fall for).

What I’m trying to say is that Vil isn’t fully and constantly aware of “the shape of this ceiling”, or rather why he can’t reach Neige; this is why we had that ending to his book. This isn’t solely about skill or quality, but those are the main things Vil focuses on.

And Leona… I am not sure about him, to be honest, because it boils down to one problem that I have with him: I am not sure what he wants.

It’s easy to compare him to Jamil because it seems like his issue lies in being frustrated with the system: he will never be the first because Falena is literally the first born son. But I don’t think it’s fair to compare a prince with a servant like that, because even though Leona wouldn’t be the king, he still has a lot of power and opportunities, and we’ve seen Falena valuing his strong points and expressing that he wants Leona to help him. One might even say that he invited Leona to be by his side, as a brother and an equal. But this isn’t what Leona wants in actuality, is it?

His “ceiling” seems to be obvious, but I guess his actual frustrations lie elsewhere, and those are kind of difficult to see because of how inconsistent he is. But maybe it’s just me being frustrated with his character again lol

I am replying so late because I really thought I would have some kind of conclusion about this whole thing, but it seems like I don’t lol Still, it was an interesting topic to think about.

Thank you for your ask! <3

[stilljuststardust]

I’m a 15 years old girl and my parents are very homophobic

Today my mom made me sat down because she thinks that I wanna turn into a boy and she told me for my old sis to also come downstairs to talk about it cause they found it weird mind you they’re very religious

After my big sis came downstairs my mom started talking about how I act like a boy when I’m a girl also that God made me a girl so why would I try to change into a girl and also said that if I keep acting like this she would take all my electronics

And send me somewhere else where I won’t see her and my siblings ever again

I’m crying so much because I did everything to change myself to become normal like others straight but nothing works and I found out that I want to be a boy I tried everything like manifesting being a man nothing it working and circumstances keeps getting worse and worse till the point it making me depressed like maybe I’m stuck this way maybe I will never be a man

I’m so scared cause she said if I don’t change I will not have access to phone I’m having a bad breakdown rn idk what to do anymore I’m so lost

But part of me still believes I’m a man no matter what

Hello, before I give you LOA advice let's talk

You ARE a man. You are a man. You are a man.

You are a man no matter what.

You don't have to do anything to be a man. It's who you are deep down in the pit of your soul. You already are a man.

Not just in an LOA sense, I'm saying this from a non-manifesting perspective: you are not a girl.

You will never be a girl, you never were. Do you understand that? Who you are as a person is a man.

I'm like you.

It's ok to be a trans. Being trans is normal. Half my friends are trans, I'm trans. You aren't alone, you aren't the only one. There is nothing wrong with you.

Firstly I would like to say, always always always prioritize your safety and well-being.

I know it's easier said than done but the closet exists for a reason. It keeps us safe. Do not come out if it would put you in danger. You do not have to be out to be valid.

I hate that my advice is to fawn and pretend to be something you're not, but its safest sometimes.

It feels so far away now, but there will be a time when you are free to be who you are. You will find people who support you. You will find people who are like you. When I was in your place 18 felt so far away and unreachable, but it's not. Freedom will come. Please hold on.

Link to The Trevor project. (Councilors and hotline for queer people who are struggling mentally)

Loa

At the end there will be a handful of LOA posts I think you should read/you might be interested in + subliminals for you. The most important one in my opinion being the one I list first.

The law gets over complicated alot. At the end of the day it boils down to this.

An assumption, though false, if persisted in will harden into fact.

An assumption being something you accept as the truth without needing evidence and persistence meaning you assume regardless of what the 3D shows you.

Essentially, you decide you have your desire and you are stubborn in that decision.

It's ok to feel intense emotions, it's ok to be scared and hurt and frustrated, you just have to assume that no matter what the physical world shows you you are undeniably biologically male.

There is no more advice to give, there is only the law. Assume, affirm, persist.

The posts

How I manifested my dream life with extremely hard circumstances (blushydior)

If it's too long a read (seriously I think you should read the whole thing either way) here's the parts I thought would benefit you the most

What you need to know about loa

How to ignore the 3D

Nothing is true until you decide it is

It's ok to feel like shit

Loa checklist

Subliminals and affirmation tapes

Revise past negative events

Desired body

Mind over matter

It's done

Your desire is a fact

I keep getting results

If you need motivation

@loasuccessarchive

[sourbinnie]

title -> she's all i wanna be genre -> pure angst (should not be a surprise by now) pair -> hyung line!skz x gn!reader plot -> getting replaced isn't fun (especially by someone who never gave you a chance to love them) lowercase intended | no warnings a/n: part 2 with maknae line? i'll see if i can make it different though :] lmk if you liked it!

stupid boy making me so sad

didn't think you could change this fast

"ah sorry (y/n), i have plans today with someone special."

at first it was fine and i could understand that he was busy or had plans with someone else. i didn't expect it to be her though and that's when jealousy started bubbling up in my chest. everyone loved her to the absolute fullest, how could you not? great dancer, incredible singer, lovely personality and an idol, she was full package (or an ace as they say). of course chan would fall head over heels for her, of course the plan was not just a plan, it was a date organized in secrecy so no photos would be caught and no scandals would be brought up. 

he looked at her with cartoonish eyes, full on heart mode. she was gorgeous, i could not deny it. i was just me, boring old me with nothing to show (at least that's what everyone led me to believe). as if i wasn't frustrated enough on their private social media they posted so many pics of them together and the last one being a kiss. he led me to believe at one point that when his contract would finish, we would be the ones having dates and kissing freely. but it looks like it was just a lie as if she fits that image more than i will ever do.

she's got everything that i don't have

how could i ever compete with that?

"she's so incredible like she can do anything."

yeah i know, i hear it every day minho. the choreography you guys pulled off went so well that you're now clouded with eyes only reserved for one person only. i expected this, i saw it coming from a mile away when she stepped into the jyp building and you just had an expression that i couldn't read 'cause that was love at first sight. you never looked in my direction that way but for her you would clearly do anything that she asked you to. i couldn't even get along with her before i found you guys making out after practice when we were supposed to go out.

i had to go home and cry into my pillow for hours as i tried to calm myself down but failed miserably at every attempt. it was almost like it was all a prank played on me since everyone knew about my crush on him and maybe that also meant he knew as well. god was i that awful? did i look that bad? i know i could not pull a dance move at all but did only that matter to be with him? maybe just wasn't meant to be like i thought he was. if this is a competition then i'm the loser 100%.

i know you'll go and change your mind

one day wake up and you're bored with mine

"i've been talking to her for hours, i could not get bored of her."

but you could get bored of me and pretend i wasn't there as i came to visit you but you were just on your phone. and this isn't even the first time that changbin has done something like this because when he falls, he falls hard. he could talk about her for hours and i would just have to put up with the weight of not being enough for him every single day. i would look at myself on my phone camera, my reflection in the mirror trying to figure out how i could improve myself for him (as if that wasn't pathetic enough).

i knew the day where he would ditch me would come. i just wasn't ready for how hard it would hit me, the reality of not being best friends anymore since he's now got someone who he can call that but also do so much more. i didn't want him to leave me hangin' but i became second choice as soon as she walked through the door. it was a punch in the face to see them hanging out in the distance when i was over at the dorms. seeing them kiss for the first time almost brought me to tears.

she's got everything that i don't have

and shе's all I wanna be, all i wanna be so bad.

"she's the love of my life and yes i'm sure."

i might have been there before but that didn't matter in hyunjin's eyes as he placed a kiss on her cheek. so many years together thinking that maybe i would have a chance with the one i used to call "the one". how incredibly delusional of me thinking that i would have a chance with hwang hyunjin when she was right there all along. her beauty was outstanding and her confidence showed with every move, every word, everything. but here i am being insecure about her, about him and about where i stood positioned.

i got up, leaving the place before i put myself through more hurt than i needed right now. it was so stupid of me to think that staying friends could be easy when i clearly couldn't do that. my eyes getting filled with tears as i just wished to be in his arms and take her place for a moment, for a second even if it was possible. i would just like the once feel the love of the one i wanted and his eyes reserved for me like i was meant to be the one he was looking at. but he said it, she's the love of his life right? no spot for me anymore.

[pepsiboyy]

starboy part 4 (final <3)

P1 P2 P3 P4

pairing: y/n x chris sturniolo

summary: y/n, born and raised in los angeles, moves across the country to boston. when she feels like she has nobody, she makes some new friends at her new job. she grows particularly close with the sturniolo triplets, where she finds a lot in common with one of them.

warnings: some fluff, angst, LOTS of cursing, and bullying :p

lowercase intentional!!!

author's note: HIII sorry i took a few days to myself to like. play video games idk that's my excuse my bad yall but FINAL PARTTT yayyy

i took a deep breath as my arms were practically wrapped around myself. i stared at the star market sign and bit my lip, slowly stepping through the automatic doors.

i quickly made my way to the customer service counter, where i saw matt clocking out. he turned to me and his eyes immediately softened. "hey, y/n," he breathed, stepping towards me.

i smiled quickly and half-heartedly before taking his spot and clocking in.

"are you okay? you left real fast yesterday, and.. i don't know, chris said he tried to reach out and-"

"yeah, i fell asleep. i didn't feel good," i mumbled, biting my lip as i tried not to let any sadness show in my expression. i turned to matt and smiled softly. "sorry for leaving so sudden. i just felt.. unwell," i mumbled.

matt slowly nodded and smiled softly. "okay, if you insist... i just want to be able to be a friend to you, nick does too, and especially chris." he chuckled. all i could do was look at him, but it looked more like i was looking through him and spacing out. matt's smile fell as he sighed. "chris also mentioned that when you guys were sitting, he got a notification from-"

"damn, y/n is here again today?" maeve's voice rang as she set her bag down and practically shoved me to the side to clock in. "guess i gotta do everything around here today." she mumbled as she side-eyed me, and i bit my lip. i couldn't do this today.

"maeve, you can't talk to her like that, she's still learning." matt told her, softly but very clearly as he sighed and gathered his things. "y/n, if you need anything, or just somebody to talk to, please reach out, okay?" he asked, and looked at me for any form of response.

"right, yeah. thanks, matt." i breathed, and he smiled at my response before stepping towards the exit.

i turned to maeve and bit my lip as she scrolled through her phone and applied pink lip gloss against her lips. she was stunning, and i was a bit envious of her long, blonde hair. i closed my eyes and let out a sigh, looking at my phone. i was a bit surprised to see some messages from who i had been dreading to see all day, and who i had hoped would have left with matt.

from: chris⭐ hey y/n, hope your shift goes well

i shuttered as i looked up at maeve. what if she was actively texting him? i turned to look around the store the best i can, and i saw chris pushing some carts inside.

damn, he was really still here.

i let out a breath as i began to straighten up around my department, seeing as it was a slow day and maeve was no help.

-

i sat in the breakroom as i stared at the wall. no music played in my ears, and nobody else sat in the room with me. i simply stared at the wall for my break. i sat and thought about all of the glances i had passed to chris, and how many times i caught him looking back. i also watched him and maeve talk quite often, which would cause my heart to clench each and every time. it didn't make sense to me. why did he pretend to care so much about me when he clearly had maeve?

"hi chris!" maeve smiled brightly and leaned against the counter to be closer to him, who was just trying to walk by and pick up a box of items.

"hey, maeve," he breathed, and she practically squealed at him, causing me to turn my head the other day and practically wince.

"whatcha got planned tonight? did you wanna go out?" maeve asked, which resulted in some silence and a deep breath.

"i'm busy tonight." he mumbled.

my back was still turned as i went through another box.

"i'm taking my fifteen, maeve. i'll be back." i breathed before swinging around on my heel and shoving past them both.

and that was why i was sitting against this worn down couch, staring at the wall. it made no sense to me. none of it.

after about thirteen minutes passed, i sighed and stood up to begin collecting my things and getting ready to head back out.

the door swung open.

"y/n, hey can we talk?" chris breathed, and i turned to the sudden sound of the door opening. since it was silent in the room, it scared me a bit more than i would have liked to admit.

"my fifteen is up, sorry." i breathed and attempted to walk past him.

i felt a hand against my own, before i turned to chris and bit my lip. facing him was really hard. my eyes welled up almost immediately, and chris picked up on it very quickly. worry rushed through his expression.

"after we close. please?" chris asked, carefully letting my arm go. i slowly nodded before i pulled away. i stood for a few moments, looking at him, biting my lip and then walking back towards the exit.

"thank fuck. about time. what were you even doing in there anyway?" maeve spat, and i turned to her. this really was not the time for her to speak to me that way, and in fact, it never was the time. "i had to deal with literally four people when you were gone. all by myself. can you do something for once and clean the place up?"

i bit my lip as i stared at her. part of me wanted to confront her, call her out and tell her that she was no help and incredibly lazy. another part of me wanted to beat her ass right then and there, but the other part of me knew that if i started any work drama, i could potentially get fired and i should keep my mouth shut.

i took in a deep breath.

"i'll get on it," i replied, moving to grab a broom.

-

11:30pm. only thirty more minutes before i had to talk with chris in the parking lot. and only thirty more minutes that i had to deal with maeve any longer.

"y/n, these don't go here. god, do you do anything right?" she muttered as she pulled out a roll of receipt paper, and i stopped what i was doing. i carefully stood up and let out a soft sigh.

"sorry, maeve. nobody told me where those go." i responded under my breath.

maeve was sitting against the counter now, looking at herself in her phone camera and once again applying lip gloss to her lips.

i watched her for a few moments before going to grab a box. it ripped, and collapsed directly into my foot and caused a loud bang.

"ow, fuck," i breathed, biting my lip as i looked down at my foot, and then at the mess i had created. stupid box.

"y/n, are you kidding me? this just adds to the list of things we have to clean up. why are you so clumsy?" she asked.

i had enough.

"can you shut the fuck up?" i spat, causing her to cover her mouth in shock. i scoffed. "all you fucking do is sit there on your goddamn phone. i have done everything today, and you left me the other day. you haven't trained me yet you expect me to know everything around here. why are you such a fucking bitch?" i raised my voice, now visibly shaking with anger. my face was red, and i felt tears brimming my eyes. "i've worked like three shifts here and you treat me like this? name one thing you've done today." i questioned, and she visibly stuttered.

"absolutely nothing," a voice rang as i looked over and saw chris standing there. "she's done nothing but text me all day."

i cringed slightly. nice way to top it off.

"but chrissy-" maeve started, to which chris immediately stopped her.

"i told you to stop calling me that, it's annoying." he muttered before he stepped towards me and began picking some of the things up that i had dropped. my face scrunched a bit in confusion as i tried to piece together what he had said.

maeve seemed to hurt, but she put on a stupid face and quickly yet sloppily grabbed her things before she stomped away to clock out.

i took in a deep breath and sighed, looking over at chris who had now finished picking everything up. "thanks.. for doing that. you didn't have to." i mumbled, looking to the side.

chris didn't respond. he stood up and looked at me, smiling like a little kid. "that was fucking awesome, didn't know you had it in you to talk like that to someone, especially on the clock?"

i smiled shyly and looked down before rubbing my eyes and chuckling slightly. "she was just getting on my nerves..."

"she does for everyone, y/n. i promise. it's okay." he breathed, and i looked at him with a soft nod. "is your foot okay?" he asked, and i shrugged.

"it's fine, i guess. hurts, but i'll live."

"i'll walk you home." chris responded, very quickly, as i looked at him and smiled softly.

"whatever you say."

-

the air was kind of heavy, if i were being honest. it was hard to even think about everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours.

"y/n?"

i turned to chris as he called my name, and bit my lip. it was time to finally talk about everything.

"can you tell me what's up? why you left so suddenly last night, why you haven't answered my texts, what's wrong?" he questioned, as i simply walked beside him and let out a deep sigh.

"i just..." i took in a deep breath. i stopped walking and turned to chris. "when i moved here, i thought i had nobody. some people would be excited for a fresh start, but i dreaded every moment here. i met you, matt and nick, and realized that things may not be so bad here. especially when i'm with you," i whispered the last part, looking down at my feet.

chris had stopped walking as well, looking at me and nodding softly as he listened closely.

"after we had hung out, i truly thought that maybe i saw you as something more, and when we sat together at your place, i kind of knew from there that i for sure had something more than just the friendly thought of you." i smiled softly, and he nodded, knowing where i was going. "i like you a lot chris, i did from the moment we walked together to mcdonalds and the feelings i had for you, i thought were mutual. but then you got that text on your phone from maeve, and-"

"y/n," he breathed, stepping towards me.

i bit my lip and looked up at him, and he immediately shook his head.

"no." he almost laughed out, and i tilted my head. nothing was funny to me right now. "i don't know how she got me number. genuinely. that's reason one as to why i don't like her. reason two, she's an asshole. and reason three," he smiled softly at me as he gently brushed a few loose strands of my hair behind my ear.

with a soft lean forward and a slight tilt of the head, chris had pressed his lips to mine. i closed my eyes and leaned into the kiss, smiling softly against him. he smiled as well before carefully pulling away and moving his hands to carefully grasp mine.

"i like you."

i smiled softly and looked up at him. as we stood on the sidewalk and stared at each other, i bit my lip and shyly looked down before wrapping my arms tightly around him. "i'm sorry.." i whispered, and chris chuckled.

he wrapped his arms around me and gently rubbed my back, carefully swaying us both. he rested his head on top of mine.

"don't be sorry. you had every right to be confused and frustrated." he gently pulled away and looked at me before he carefully took my hand in his.

our fingers intertwined, as we began walking again.

"let's get you home."

HIIII HELLO THIS WAS A SHORT FANFIC BUT I HOPE YOU GUYS LIEKD ITTTTT IT'S MY FIRST THING ON TUMBLR !!!!

i am working on a matt fanfic rnnnn it'll be so awesome sauce, go read the teaser if you haven't already!!

taglist;;

@sweetbabydoe @orangeypepsi @sturniolosreads

[wikiangela]

fuck it friday

tagged by @daffi-990 @giddyupbuck @spotsandsocks

hi!! i'm back lol - well, the craziness at work is done and I'm slowly getting back to writing bc I haven't written in like a week and it's killing me lol (this is gonna sound dramatic but I literally don't feel like myself if I don't write for too long haha) I don't have anything new to share rn, but I figured since it's already december and since some of y'all are sharing Christmas fics, and knowing I likely won't write one this year, I'm gonna shamelessly plug my holiday fake dating fic with 4 Christmases and 6 Christmas chapters actually 😂 (Christmas was a very important time for Buck and Eddie's relationship in this lol) - there's obvi more holidays in this but anyway, here's a snippet of their first Christmas together also, it's been a year since I posted the first chapter and I'm feeling nostalgic lol, this fic is my baby and I love it so much (tho there's so many things I'd change now lol)

[read on Ao3]

___

Turns out, Buck is very much serious about the whole thing, and Christopher finds it hilarious and is eager to play along. Eddie doesn’t have valid arguments not to do it, and it’s not like he doesn’t want to. After another snide comment when talking to his parents, he made his decision. And he already felt this exciting feeling of satisfaction when he told them he’d be bringing someone for Christmas this year – miraculously, Buck and Eddie don’t work on Christmas, and they took an additional day off, so their schedules allow for a three-day trip to Texas. 

So now, it’s Christmas Eve and they’re on their way from the airport to Eddie’s childhood home, and he’s nervous, doubts just starting to seep in. What on earth possessed him to do this? He can’t lie to his family. He can’t pretend to be in love with Buck. What if he really does fall in love with him? What if everything goes to shit? He’s watched enough movies to know it’s a bad idea, but he couldn’t and still can’t bring himself to stop it.

“So.” Eddie says, his voice shaking slightly, as they sit in a cab. “We’re doing this.”

“Yep.” he can hear Buck grin next to him. “Unless you still wanna back out?” he adds quickly. They could still say Buck’s just a friend. No big deal. But Eddie does have this petty desire to stir something up, and this seems perfect. 

“No. It’ll be fine.” he smiles at Buck, and then feels hot when Buck grabs his hand and interlaces their fingers, winking at him. Christopher laughs.

“You’d make a great couple.” he comments. He’s been unusually happy about all of this. He also asked Eddie a few days ago if Eddie loves Buck, which prompted a conversation, but he thinks Chris knows what’s going on now. Eddie doesn’t really know what to think about that.

“Thanks, buddy.” Buck responds excitedly, squeezing Eddie’s hand, and he can’t contain a smile. If not anything else, at least all three of them are going to have a lot of fun.

___

no pressure tags: @elvensorceress @gaydiaz @diazass @thebravebitch @silentxxsoul @shortsighted-owl @eddiebabygirldiaz @arthursdent @diazblunt @911onabc @spagheddiediaz @housewifebuck @gayhoediaz @rogerzsteven @watchyourbuck @monsterrae1 @honestlydarkprincess @underwater-ninja-13 @eowon @exhuastedpigeon @weewootruck @loserdiaz @evanbegins @steadfastsaturnsrings @ladydorian05 @malewifediaz @pirrusstuff @theotherbuckley @911-on-abc @hoodie-buck @wildlife4life @fortheloveofbuddie @nmcggg @diazpatcher @jeeyuns @jesuisici33 @thewolvesof1998 @lover-of-mine @hippolotamus @disasterbuckdiaz @jamespearce9-1-1

[badbatchsprincess]

Bad Batch Music HC

Im in the middle of editing part 9, but I wanted to take a quick break and decided to make a list of songs for each Bad Batch boi based of the vibes they give me. Bahaha and since I'm the self elected queen of this blog, this is my unsolicited opinion teehee

Hunter - Hunter 100% listens to divorced dad rock. Even though he's giving heavy Rambo vibes, I can imagine him whippin that juggernaut around at full speed listening to the following...

Last Resort - Papa Roach

Paralyzer - Finger Eleven

Break Stuff - Limp Bizkit

Fortunate Son - Creedence Clearwater

Crosshair - Crosshair is emo asf as we already know. To me, daddy Crosshair has a refined goth rock / darkwave vibe to him. I can also seem him taking his girl to a goth club and enjoying the much darker sexier vibes. (I'm a Crosshair girly and this is also my favorite genre of music)

Tear You Apart - She Wants Revenge

I Don't Wanna Be Me - Type O Negative

Keep Your Eyes Peeled - ULTRA SUNN

Closer - Nine Inch Nails

I could go on but I must contain myself...

But if I had to pick a song to perfectly describe my husband it would be - Massive Attack - Angel

Wrecker - Baby boy Wrecker is definitely into listening to the 2000's bangers. Maybe even a little girly pop music if you catch my drift. He'd love screeching the lyrics to fergalicious with you while securing your sweet treat on a drive. Wrecker's all about the fun vibes.

Rich Girl - Gwen Stefani

Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado

Gasolina - Daddy Yankee

Shake It - Metro Station

I literally could put 50 songs here but you know what I'm talking about...

Echo - Arch Trooper echo is nothing short of a bad bitch. I can definitely picture him getting down in 79's with the boys rapping to that good good hype music. Echo's a badass, so is his music of choice.

No Hands - Waka Flocka

Carnival - Kanye

Tell me, Breathe, If we bein real - Yeat

Stay Fly - Thee 6 Mafia

Gansta's Paradise - Coolio

I can also picture him listening to $uicide Boy$ when he's on his own.

Tech - Tech is giving indie alternative no doubt. He's a sweet baby, he likes the good vibes and I'm living for that. I can totally see him vibing in a mood lit apartment dancing when no one is watching.

Literally ANY Tame Impala

Back on 74 - Jungle

Gooey - Glass Animals

The Other Side of Paradise - Glass Animals

Kids - MGMT

Time to Pretend - MGMT

Side note... he's definitely the type to have records of all of his favorite bands and get super protective of his record player.

~ ~ ~

Anyways... that's how I see these boys.. hope you enjoyed ahaha.

[ponett]

Got a spoilery ask about SLARPG regarding Melody's character arc and, to a lesser extent, the ending, so I'll put this below a read more!

Anonymous asked:

Heya! I adore adore adore SLARPG, and have latched pretty hard onto Melody and Harmony's dichotomy for a while... I was wondering whether you saw Harmony more as an obstacle to Melody's growth, or something to be worked on and reconciled with more like Madeline and Badeline from Celeste? Unless it's spoilers of course. It's one of the few threads left open after the game, and as a plural woman myself I was just curious. X3

I'll say up front that I've generally avoided stepping in and telling people what The One Correct Interpretation is for a lot of things in SLARPG. I didn't intend for Melody to be read as plural, since in the story Harmony is a parasitic outside force, but I also understand where that interpretation comes from and won't tell folks they're wrong for relating to her like that. That's just the beauty of art. We can relate to things however we want. I just wanna make sure my personal framing is clear before I talk about the thought behind Melody and Harmony's relationship

Harmony is more of a literary device than a character. While she's not an alternate personality for Melody, she's also not really a full person in her own right. I don't think about Harmony having her own arc. She's a magical force that occasionally externalizes Melody's darker, more self-critical thoughts for the audience, where normally she would keep them to herself. She has her own design and name to make the dialogue boxes easier to follow. I also keep it intentionally vague whether or not other people would be able to see Harmony because I find that understated uncertainty more fun.

On a literal level, Harmony is a magical parasite, and therefore an obstacle to be overcome. She's not supposed to be there, straight up. But because she's just the embodiment of dark thoughts that Melody is already having, there isn't really much point in "defeating" Harmony to me - which is why things play out the way they do.

Even if Melody got rid of Harmony, she would still have to deal with those feelings. It would be a purely symbolic victory. And symbolic victories like that are often satisfying as hell in fiction, but in real life you can't defeat your shadow self to stop those 3am "what if my friends are only pretending to like me" thoughts. So instead, Harmony is something Melody needs to cope with and minimize. It's not about getting rid of bad thoughts forever, but rather learning how to deal with them better. And that's an active, life-long process. And so Harmony remains, but Melody is working on having healthier relationships with both her loved ones and herself.

I'll also say that, while I love Celeste, Madeline and Badeline's arc is mostly irrelevant to the way I write Melody and Harmony. (I don't think this ask is accusing me of plagiarizing Maddy Thorson or anything, to be clear. I'm just on a tangent since the comparison was brought up.) SLARPG began development in 2015, so the Harmony scenes, and Melody's arc as a whole, were already planned before Celeste came out. While I worried about getting compared to a much more popular game, I stuck to my guns, knowing that my story was different enough to stand on its own. If anything, I just avoided specific phrases like "reflection" or "I'm a part of you" to try and keep people from just pointing and going "Celeste reference!"

Unfortunately the "wow this is just like Celeste" comments were unavoidable, as were the newfound generalizations about what all indie games about trans girls with anxiety must be like because there are two (2) whole games that share some common story tropes, and it seems like the ending may have thrown some people off because of expectations created by Celeste. But what are you gonna do? I at least avoided my absolute nightmare scenario of Deltarune Ch.2 doing glitch aesthetics or giving Susie and Noelle a kiss mechanic lmao

[dumplingsjinson]

an update on cat guy because it's been a hot minute since i've done one, i think. i don't remember if i've talked about him lately so here goes.

i had a date with cat guy on monday night; met his extended family again for his cousin's birthdy party (which i was informed about ON MONDAY MORNING SO I WAS LIKE HUH), was somehow roped into being in some of the pictures as well so i'm like- oh. they remember me, but i don't remember their names lmfao weflnewklnf

i ended up staying over (like i've been doing literally every date now lmfao).

ANYYWAAYYY, we've been having this thing where tickle fights (started by my menace self) would turn into his face being so close to mine, and i'd have to resist the temptation to kiss him just because i love playfighting with him (because i know once i give in, he'd kiss me hard and wouldn't let me go for a damn while) even though it ends up with me losing EVERY TIME.

and i also just love hearing him laughing. like, sometimes he'd try to kiss me and i'd pretend to give in and then be like HAHA no- we STILL HAVE MORE OF THIS TO GO!

whenever i actually give up because i lowkey tired myself out with all the resisting, he'd move in closer and... well, yeah.

FORGIVE A GIRL FOR GIVING INTO THE TEMPTATION OF RELIEVING THAT SEXUAL TENSION OKAY.

(TMI below the line, if you don't want to see me share the details then spare yourself lmfao)

now that's out of the way.

things would get pretty hot and heavy (my question to him last night, verbatim, after we calmed down a little: "how do we always end up like this?" and mfer goes "is there a problem with that?" in his usual teasing tone while holding me even closer to him EVERY GOD DAMN TIME.

and no, i'm not complaining, because i have needs and wants and i am not someone who's afraid to admit that and usually i want that to happen which is why i start the tickle fights HAHAH

so that night, let's just say i was being a very needy lil shit (his thigh was involved) and i was like blabbering and being all like "this is so embarrassing" in a soft whine, and this man goes:

"it's so hot," in that husky voice of his.

FUCKING EXCUSE-

he also called me his good girl once again AND IT NEVER FAILS TO MAKE ME FEEL SO SHY LKWENFWEKN

anyways.

after that first session (yes we had another one afterwards, stfu-), i was telling him how i wanna make him feel good too (he's always the one making me feel good and i felt so selfish for receiving so much and giving so little).

he proceeds to tell me, "you make me happy. i like making you feel good and as long as you feel good and you're happy, then i feel good, too."

and me, while stroking his hair and feeling guilty with the knowledge that he's usually the one giving, "but are you happy?" (and when i asked that, even though he already said i make him happy, i meant like... is he really happy?? considering how, in my head, he was giving so much and i wasn't returning much. not because i don't want to but because he never asks for much even when i straight up ask him what he wants me to do with him. i'm just someone who very easily doubts things).

and motherfucker on a truck (the sweetheart that he fucking is onrgklfnw), goes: "yeah. i'm happy when you're happy, because i love you so much" and lays his head on my chest and i'm likeee HELLLPPPPPP ofnewklnfw 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

after like a moment or two because my brain is a piece of laggy shit, i mutter a soft "i love you, too" and hold him closer to me bECAUSE I'M BAD AT EXPRESSING MY AFFECTIONS WITH WORDS AND SAYING I LOVE YOU IS NOT SOMETHING THAT NATURALLY COMES TO ME EVEN WHEN IT'S SAID TO ME FIRST OKAY, LEAVE ME ALONEEEEE

i've asked him plenty of times prior to this time what he wants me to do with him and it all boils down to this: he's someone who likes to please, rather than to be pleased.

which is fair enough, but i did tell him if he ever wants me to do anything, he can tell me.

but yeah. all this happened.

and i can't wait to see him again for his friend's birthday party, which he invited me to wlknfe

it's so funny bc i feel like i'm slowly entering his world and i'm part of his comfort zone now.

he's also an insufferable piece of shite and a right old prat at times, but i love him either way <3

he also did suggest something he's wanted to try but never got around to doing so after that talk of ours, which lead into the second session SAURRR

:))) i love him-

[half-truths-and-hyperbole-louk]

Louk's Bad Batch rewatch part 10 omg and 10 days until s3 👀

Lets go batchers 🤟

The Bad Batch 1x06

I love reading the aurebesh signs hehe

Omega nearly takes out a stranger and literally goes "teehee oopsie" I love her sm

Echo teaching her how to shoot 🥺

HIS HAND ON HER SHOULDER 😭

Wrecker: "not exactly a natural is she" Hunter: *vague nod/shrug thing* 💀

I'd love to shoo cid out of the bar "scram" @ cid

Tech is playing arcade games !!!! 👀

"I assume you know what a tactical droid is" *3 voted yes, Omega voted no, Tech panicked*

I used to think cid telling the batch they work for her was a kinda funny scene but rewatching it now knowing what I know it just infuriates me 😡

"weak noodle arms" SHES JUST A BABY

"this old trick?" hehe like the one Han did in ESB 👀

"that's your plan? fly there, land, hope they don't spot us and walk in the door?" ~ Obi-Wan about Anakin's plan - me pretending Echo learned this from Anakin 🥺

poor Wrecker with heights, he's so brave fr I'm very proud 💕

"nighty night" 🤣

everyone is probably gonna hate me for saying this buuuuttt... I kinda wanna see more Martez sisters after this episode lol

Rafa: "grab a weapon" Omega: "I had one 😑"

y'all the banter between Hunter and Rafa 👀 the way he walks behind her with both blasters out

THE FLIP AND ROLL OMEGA DOES TO GRAB THE DROID HEAD !!!

"thanks" hehehe she's so cheeky

sibling banter

YOU'VE GOT THIS WRECKER 👑

Wrecker hits his head count: 7 👀

and he just got shot in the same place on his shoulder for the third time 🙃

"Good soldiers-" screaming sobbing exploding into another dimension

HELP HER TRACE

Omega screaming for Hunter 😭

plus Hunter's "hang on Omega!" *checking myself into therapy*

Hunter literally swinging in to save Omega like he's tarzan 👑

that "thank you" was SO sincere I'm going to go cry my eyes out forever

Trace grabbed Omega to pull her behind her 🥺

Rafa: "I still don't like you" Hunter: "I'm used to it" 🥲😂

okay but Wrecker fighting the chip, hearing Tech calling for him sounding so concerned, then Crosshair desperately saying "good soldiers follow orders" is incredibly painful to hear... but it's like he's hearing his brothers both desperately calling him to them, Crosshair's voice is like the chip trying to activate, he's frustrated and confused which is probably exactly how Wrecker feels right now, and Tech's voice is trying to bring Wrecker back away from the chip 🥲 like they're both tugging at his brain to go different directions or smth idk I'm emotional about them always

"is there an echo in here?" "Yes, I'm Echo" *salutes* he's just so silly and goofy and I know the domino squad is absolutely cackling rn 😂

Tech's little swirly flip of the datastick like Hunter does with his knife makes me think Tech can also use Hunter's knife and that is something I would love to see pls

Trace has her arm around Omega again! 🤲

Tech is so sneaky hehe

Omega: "it's all about tuning out distractions" SEE CID SHE TOOK ECHOS ADVICE AND NOW SHE'S FINE pfft "weak noodle arms" NO MA'AM

R7 💕💕💕

Omega is so excited about being in a seedy area lmaooo

Omega and Rafa waving at each other as they leave 🥺

Hunter talking about the right reasons I am feeling emotions again

hmm I wonder who this mysterious person on the holo could possibly be 🤔🤔🤔

yayyyy episide 6 done y'alls 💕 thanks for joining again ilysm

I'm going to be doing a lot more hehe because I was super busy for a few days and now my timing is off 🙃

see y'all next time for when the fit hits the shan 🤟

[aleksa-sims]

Simself Story

CW: addiction, pregnancy, cheating, divorce

I told him... 😢🤦‍♀️

As the sun slowly rose after we talked all night about what Daniel has experienced the last 4 months, it was my turn, to tell him what I did, while he was gone...

What I can say? 😞... He was devastated. It wasn’t really my pregnancy or the fact that I get a baby by someone else, what has made him so upset, but rather the... circumstances that led to it and how it all came about. All our probs were caused by that damn attack/assault on us, 8 months ago. This thing has traumatized us. We both had difficulty processing it.

My parents told him I was dating Nico. The day he came back, he talked to them. He asked questions. And now, D. wanted to know from me, why I even met Nico? Did I call him? Or he me? How did we get there? Well, the stranger I met online... 🤦‍♀️

Daniel: He did it all on purpose! He pretended to be a stranger playing Sims with you. I mean how sick is that?... Did you know it was him? Did you lie to me? Be honest!

Me: No, I swear I didn't know!!! You know the whole story, I showed you everything he texted me. And he didn’t plan on breaking us up. He never meant to see me, he knew I loved you and we were married. He even helped me make up with you. It wasn’t until weeks after you left, that Nico started giving me more and more clues about his true identity. Listen D., he tried to distract me. I was always sad. I was looking for you everywhere with Alex. I was devastated! And I also relapsed, really bad, I fucked up sm. 🤦‍♀️😞

Daniel: You want to divorce me. Everything breaks dwon.... This is worse than the shit my crazy mother did to me. You and me... that wasn’t planned to end this way! It should never end!

Me: I'm so sorry. I don’t want it to end either. That’s why I married you, I love you, but-...... how’s this gonna work?

Daniel: You love him, not me! Otherwise, you’d just stay here. But you decided to divorce me and start a new life with him. So go! Go to him!..... What the fuck are you waiting for?

Me: No, I’m not leaving. I can’t leave you alone now. I’ll stay with you, as long as you need me.

Daniel: Damn, stay away from me!!.... Leave me alone, or I might say something I don’t want.

I couldn’t leave him alone. So I just stood aside somewhere in a corner, looking down, while Daniel left the living room. I touched my belly.  I apologized to my Baby for the hatred I felt for myself at that moment. I was disgusted with myself. I resented myself for constantly repeating the same, damn mistakes. I never wanted to hurt Daniel!! He deserved me to stay with him and live our fucking lives the way it used to be. I have to find a solution!

Half an hour later, I went over to Daniel to look after him. And.....huh? Is Daniel cuddling his old teddy bear??? 🤨😄

Me: Daniel?..You ok?... You... need a huggie? 😳😬

Daniel: Nah, I just don't wanna see you. And why's that old dust catcher here? He also smells like you.

Me: I found him at your house the last time we were there. Your sister said it was yours once. And the other day when I was home, I found him in my closet. I gave him a little makeover. I cleand him and put some of my perfume on him. And yea, he's cute I wanted to keep him.

Daniel: I hate that teddy bear. He disappointed me when I was 7, just like you now. 😒

Me: Um... that's just a toy, Daniel. How can a teddy bear disappoint you? 🤨

Daniel: I got him when I was five. My crazy mother kept locking me in the closet as you know. He was my bud, who was allowed to accompany me. And whenever I was alone in our damn house, I was less afraid, bcs he was there too. But on my 7th birthday I found out who gave me that teddy bear. It was one of those damn witches my mother met at her fucking clut-parties. That woman also told me my teddy bear was not a boy as I thought, it was a girl! She showed me the label. And well, at 7 I could read. The label said, "Susi the bear." I was totally disappointed. He wasn’t my friend anymor, just a fucking traitor! A damn witch, Susi, like one of my mothers odd followers. 😠

Me: Sorry. I didn’t know, I’m gonna put him away. 😞

Daniel: Take it with you! Maybe your soccer player's gonna be happy about it. Kind of like a trophy for him. He’s an athlete, he should like that. 🤷‍♂️

Me: I’ll save your old teddy bear for my Baby. I thought one day, we could give it to our own baby, but if I had only guessed, I would be pregnant by someone else.... I-...agh, Daniel. I'm so sorry. I wish it was.................... otherwise. 😢I could stay with you, but what should I say to Nico? I can’t hurt him, and I don’t want to hurt you either. Really not! But I’ll find a solution. I won’t let you down.

Daniel: I don’t want....your solution. I want my girl to myself. I'm not gonna share you with him. I ain't like Philip, damn it! So just go!

I went out to our roof. I wanted to take Daniel’s laundry off the cloth-line. I wanted to help him and be there for him. But Daniel was annoyed.

Daniel: Hey! Don't you hear?... What are you still doing here?

Me: I wanna be there for you. I’m just helping you.

Daniel: I don’t need you as a cleaning lady or maid! I need my... wife!

Me: I’m not going! This is my home too!

Daniel: Fine! I’ll give you an hour. If you’re still there, I’ll lock the door. Then, you really have to stay here,.... overnight! I won’t unlock the door until tomorrow.🤨

Me: I have a key, you smart guy. 😒

Daniel: Not anymore, know-it-all. 🤨 Besides, I’m stronger than you.

Me: You’re gonna handcuff me?

Daniel: The clock's ticking. One hour! Decide!

Previous/Next

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

You people., the ideas you have are gold

Because of you people (Especially @hobiebrownismygod your ideas are GOLD I hope this is okay) I NEED

DiscoPunk for Rolling Stones Magazine

If you don't know, Hobie and my Spidersona Diane are in a musical duo called DiscoPunk

They have an album you can listen to here, called BackAlleyJazzLettuce and they've been on tour in Camden before (tour poster here)

Do you knows how tempted I am to draw a full Rolling Stones Magazine cover of Hobie and Diane

DiscoPunk with huge headlines of them being a genre-defying musical powerhouse

and then writing a full length article from the perspective of as fake reporter interviewing them for their new EP, their second release that's freshly certified platinum (not that they care they're so cool right)

The interviewer asking them questions and they reply as if they were the ones who wrote and performs the songs on the accompanying Spotify playlist I make of songs I pretend they produced

Like the song BRAT by Chrissy Chlapecka is track 4 and the interviewer is like 'that songs a lot more experimental than the others on the EP - what's the story behind that song?'

And Hobies like 'Oh that's a song we wrote together when a guy was bothering Diane at the club so we wrote a song about how he's a dickhead.'

And Dianes like 'i like that one cause there hook is a chop and remixed melody that Hobie was strumming one night. Metro[Spider] Boomin helped produce that one'

And the interviewer describes how they perform and what they're wearing and their demeanor. They talk about their short UK tour and their fans it's Diane and Hobie being adorable rising-rock-stars and undefined lovebirds

Mind you THIS IS STILL IN THE 70S SO IT'S EXTRA COOL

The interviewer is like 'There's been rumors about DiscoPunk being the UK's Eurovision stars - any truth to that'

(could you believe they had Eurovision then I had to google it and they DID wtf)

and Hobie is like 'only if they let me sing a song about burning down Buckingham Palace'

Diane likes 'what's Buckingham Palace'

He's like 'Lizzy's spot.'

And she's like 'oh that ugly ass castle we be driving by in the black cabs? Yeah bomb it it's ugly 😭😭 start over. the castles in France are better.'

Acting like they're a real duo on a real tour dropping a real album

Nothing to do with Spiderman just Diane and Hobie being rockstars

Posing on the cover of Rolling Stone in shirts with obscenities or in matching skirts

(there's also features by Ansi esp Willow's Wait a Minute, and, MetroSpider, and Miguel's wife Moche)

DO YOU SEE IT DO YOU SEE THE VISION

I wanna do this so bad but that's so much work but I WANNA wouldn't it be so rad!!!!!!! I WANNA DO THE WHOLE THING I COULD I HAVE THE PHOTOSHOP IN FRONT OF ME

I'm like 20 seconds away from just designing my own DiscoPunk tour shirt and printing it for myself I should do that I should become God and make them real