#I feel bad for anyone who tried to scroll down my blog

[arlana-likes-to-write]

oh god i think i have an idea for kate x yelena x reader??

maybe something before the 3 kids?

(i was on twitter the other day and i read about people saying the importance of feeling represeted in fics, and i thought about this lately, so uhm from my pov, i would like to uhm propose like a reader with maybe selfharm addiction??? maybe reader doesn't say that she relapsed because kate and yelena have other thoughts like missions and mission reports and hard training and she do not want to be a burden??? but like she doesn't realize that she matters more than all those things to Kate and Yelena and almost towards the end reader can no longer hold the weight inside and one evening she confesses it to them??? gosh this is a lot i know lol

(I HAVE TOTALLY NO IDEA IF YOU WRITE ABOUT THIS TOPICS if not im sorry for the request but this is something that is stuck with me but im getting better, so yeah sorry)

Take My Hand

This is a prequel to Domestic Life but can be read as a standalone.

Warning: mention of past and current self-harm, online bulling, self deprecating thoughts, poor self image, implied sexual content (Kate and Yelena are down bad for their girlfriend), pet names (princess; baby, babygirl)

Breathe. Breathe. Take five breaths in and five out. Your hands shook every time you passed your brush through your hair. The only sound your brain was registering was the music Kate demanded to play so you all could get ready. There was a party at the Avenger Tower; some active Avengers were invited, along with politicians and other top-dog individuals in the city. You weren’t worried about that. You spent so many years in customer service that you could talk to anyone smoothly. It was the media that worried you.

The world knew that Kate and Yelena were dating; they were among the most talked about couples behind Natasha and Maria. You’ve spent hours scrolling through blogs created for them where random people reposted pictures and kept updated on every aspect of their lives. It was a little weird. It was always Yelena and Kate, Hawkeye and the White Widow for a few years. Recently, they’ve hinted at a third in their relationship that many blogs caught on to. That third was you, and for the past five months, the two superheroes kept you out of the public eye. They wanted to keep you to themselves. Everything changed now that Kate wanted to take you on dates.

You were anxious. Compared to the likes of the Avengers, you were a no-one. Just a small-town girl who got lucky their car broke down in your town.

Suddenly, Kate’s arms wrapped around your waist and pulled you flush to her chest. “Where did your mind run off to, Princess?” Her chest rumbled after each word, and her lips tickled you underneath your ear.

“Just,” you giggled. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.” You tried to escape, but Kate held you tighter and rubbed soothing circles onto your skin.

“Princess,” she warned. “You know the rules.” In your opinion, it was a stupid rule, but you knew it was to foster better communication between you three.

“Just nervous,” you answered honestly. Kate nodded your head and hummed in agreement.

“So am I,” she admitted. You looked at her in shock. “I am,” she smiled. “Everyone is going to see how much hotter and cooler my girlfriend is than me, and they are going to convince her to leave me,” she looked directly at you, so you knew who she was talking about. With a roll of your eyes, you faced back towards the mirror.

“You are such a dork, Bishop,” you mumbled.

“I’m telling the truth,” she turned around slightly but still had her arms on you. “Yelena,” she called out. “Tell our girl she’s the prettier one out of the three of us.” How Kate called you ‘our girl’ made you feel warm and fuzzy. Through the mirror, you saw the blonde appeared in the doorway. She decided on a green cocktail dress that matched the color of her eyes. She smiled at you.

“I am ready to keep the vultures off of her,” she said. “Because she is ours.” It was ridiculous. The so-called vultures would be after your girlfriends, and you would have to fight them away. Still, you believed them. It was the way they looked at you, the way they touched you. You never felt more loved.

*

The party was going well. You mingled with team members you saw less frequently and listened to some of the politicians on their upcoming policies. You preferred talking to the Avengers over them. At first, one of your girlfriends stayed with you, but you ensured they enjoyed themselves.

So you were standing with Maria, nursing a drink that Yelena made for you. The blonde had a heavy pour when it came to her bartending skills. Maria told you a story about Yelena and Natasha; somehow, the blonde’s white suit accidentally turned pink when it was Natasha’s turn to do laundry. The sudden smirk on the agent’s face gave your girlfriend away. Kate moved behind you, and you could smell the alcohol on her breath. “Ignore me,” she whispered. “Pretend I’m not here and keep having your conversation.” That was easier said than done, but Maria kept talking, and you tried to focus on it.

Sober Kate was touchy and flirty but knew when to dial it back in public. Drunk Kate was a completely different beast. Her one goal was to make you a flustered mess. She was doing it now. “You look so good,” she mumbled, and goosebumps formed on your skin. “Fuck, I wanna rip this top off and fuck you right here,” you took a sip of your drink to hide the whimper that threatened to escape. “I want everyone here to know you are ours. Too many of these pigs have their eyes all over you.” She was how when she got jealous and possessive.

“Detka,” you weren’t sure when Maria was replaced with Yelena. Her hand was on your chin, and her fingers were cold. A shiver went down your spine. “Are you okay?” You nodded.

“Kate is drunk and horny,” you smiled and ignored the gasp the archer let out. Yelena let out an amused chuckle and leaned closer to your lips.

“I can say I am not surprised with how good you both look,” you watched her green eyes darken before she kissed your lips. Kate let out a breathy groan.

“Would it be inappropriate to leave now?” The archer asked. “I need you both.” You giggled against Yelena’s lips.

“I think we’ve shown our face long enough,” it was all the consent Kate needed before dragging you to the elevator. You pretended to ignore every Avenger’s knowing looks.

Delete Created with Sketch.

A week had passed since the party, and you made it your mission to stay off social media. You focused on your job, studies, and relationship with Yelena and Kate. Everything felt great. When you entered the break room, a few coworkers suddenly stopped talking. “What?” You asked as you opened the fridge to put your lunch in. “Do I have a hickey on my neck again?” Kate left one on your neck when she refused to let you go to work. Your coworkers had a field day for the next few days after.

“No hickey this time,” Tina said with her phone in her hand. “We saw this online and thought you had the right to know.” You took her phone, and you stared at a blog. It was a picture from the party which you’ve seen before. Natasha sent it to you, and you made it your lock screen. Yelena stood in front of you with Kate hanging onto your back. The blonde’s finger was on your chin, and her lips barely touched yours.

“It’s a cute picture of the three of you,” Tina said. Your coworkers knew of your relationship with the two Avengers. It was hard to keep it a secret from them when Kate and Yelena liked to surprise you at work. “It’s the comments we were reading.”

Curiosity killed the cat, right? That was the only part of the phrase people remembered. A part of you knew better to read them. The opinions of random people online did not matter, but you were curious about what your coworkers read. So you scrolled down.

It was nice to see some positive comments. They liked how happy Kate and Yelena seemed. They said you fit in well with them. But it was the negative comments that outweighed the good. To the comments, you were a whore, a homewrecker, a slut, and they could not understand what Kate and Yelena saw in you. They picked at every flaw they saw in the picture.

You handed the phone back to Tina. “You know what they say,” Tina smiled. “Those who pick on others are just jealous and self-conscious of themselves.”

“Right,” you said. “Now, enough gossip,” you teased. “Let’s get to work.”

*

When you entered your shared apartment, it was quiet. Not even the dogs were home to greet you. On any other day, you would be sad that you were alone, but you needed the tie to get your head on straight before everyone returned home.

You went into the bathroom, stripped out of your work uniform, and stepped into the shower. The water ran hot, and you watched your skin turn red from the temperature. When your body was clean, you stepped out of the shower with a towel wrapped around you. You wiped the condensation off the mirror and stared at your reflection.

Maybe the comments were correct. You could stand to lose weight, eat a little better, or change how you dress. The constant battle of your self-image was something you struggled with your entire life. You weren’t the most popular, prettiest, or smartest in high school. Your family lived paycheck to paycheck, so that you couldn’t afford the name-brand clothes. Every day, you compared yourself to those around you, and those on top of the social hierarchy smelt out of your weakness.

They added to your deteriorating self-image. You felt out of control as you slipped deeper and deeper into the abyss. You needed to get control back. One night, when your mother was at work, you took a razor to the thighs and watched the blood form at the surface. It scared you at first, seeing you bleed by your hand. You promised it would never happen again. But it was a habit you could not easily break when it was the only thing to release the pressure on your chest.

The pressure was back. You entered your shared bedroom and pulled out a small gift box from your Black Widow girlfriend. Inside was a knife with her and Kate’s initials carved into the hilt. Before your rational mind took over, you dragged the blade across the top of your thigh. With each cut you made, the pressure was less, and your mind was less dark.

*

You glanced up from the couch when the apartment door opened. The pup’s feet running against the wood made you smile. It was your only warning before a one-eyed golden retriever jumped on top of you. The air was pushed out of your lungs as he covered your face with kisses. “Lucky, stop!” You laughed and tried to push him off. “Get off!”

“Alright, don’t suffocate her,” Kate pulled the dog off of you and wiped the drool off your face with a towel. “Missed you today,” the archer mumbled and bent down to kiss you. You would welcome her lips on your any other day, but today, they felt wrong. The kiss turned your stomach.

“Missed you too,” you said. Kate moved your legs, sat down, and placed them on her lap. The sudden movement caused the fabric of your sweatpants to rub against the bandages. You winced, but both of your girlfriends missed it except Fanny. The American Akita was watching you closely. “I ordered food from that Thai place. I didn’t feel like cooking,” you went back to doom scrolling on your phone and missed the look between Kate and Yelena.

“Is everything okay, dorogoy?” You heard Yelena ask from the kitchen. You hummed in response, barely paying attention to what Yelena asked.

“Hey,” you were surprised by your phone being ripped out of your hands by the blonde. The Russian ignored the pout on your lips and put your phone on the table out of reach. “That was mean.”

“No, what is mean is that there is something wrong, and you are not telling us,” Yelena knelt by your head. “We have this rule for a reason, detka,” you looked at the archer, hoping your other girlfriend would save you. She stayed quiet but squeezed your thighs for support. You huffed, threw your head back, and felt tears burn at the corner of your eyes.

“It’s stupid,” you said. “Work just sucked, and both of you deal with much bigger problems than mine and-” Yelena quieted you with a gentle hand on your cheek as she pushed away your tears.

“Never think your problems at work are less than ours because we do different things,” the blonde said. “They are still important.”

“Besides,” you turned your attention to Kate, a playful smile on her face. “I could never be as polite and nice to some of the assholes you deal with,” she was able to make you smile. “Baby girl, you are a saint in your work.” You rolled your eyes and wiped away some of your tears.

“Do you want me to get you some food, and we can cuddle on the couch?” Yelena snapped her fingers. “We can watch the show with the talking dog and his high human?” You titled your head and narrowed your eyes at the blonde.

“Do you mean Scooby-Doo?” You questioned.

“Yes!” Yelena smiled. “Come, Kate Bishop, help me with food,” the Black Widow dragged the archer to the kitchen. You chuckled and reached for your phone.

Yes, work sucked, so you told the truth. Your mood turned as soon as you read those comments. The half-truth tasted bitter in your mouth. But this was your problem to fix. Yelena and Kate were Avengers, and you were a nobody.

*

“Princess, where are you going?” Kate asked from her spot on the couch. You were putting on your sneakers and placing a leash on Lucky.

“Taking Lucky for a walk. I’ll be right back.”

“It’s Sunday,” she said very slowly. “It’s not your day,” you shrugged.

“Just want to stretch my legs,” you said. “I’ll be back.” You felt the apartment before Kate could say another word. You used the stairs to warm up, stretching as you went down. You broke into a slow jog when you hit the sidewalk.

It was a new addition to your routine. Sometimes, you wake up early or stop by the gym after work. Some nights, you skipped on your sweet treat. If your girlfriends noticed the change and were worried about it, they kept it to themselves.

You were making progress, but you still cringed when you saw yourself naked compared to your girlfriends. Every flaw you saw was heightened, and you felt disgusted by yourself. Each time those thoughts entered your mind, the only way they left was when the blade came out and moved against your flesh.

The guilt was suffocating, and you wanted to climb into your girlfriend’s arms to forget all of your problems. But the dark voices in your head overpowered every rational thought.

*

“That was good,” Wanda said. “Why don’t we call it there?” You felt gross with the sweat dripping down your back, and your muscles ached. Training with Wanda was making faster progress than on your own. There was a deadline. With another gala happening in 2 weeks, you wanted to look better. You needed to look better for your mental health. You shook your head.

“I can keep going,” you said, stretched out of your sides, and took a deep breath. You needed to keep going.

“Breaks are good,” Wanda said. “They help your body recover and prevent injuries.” Logically, you knew she was right. Your body wasn’t used to this training, and you needed to work up your strength and endurance. But your mind was too dark to think logically. She saw you as weak and lesser, just like everyone else in those comments. This was a mistake. You weren’t an Avenger; you were just a nobody who got lucky. Wanda must have thought you were pathetic.

“Yeah,” you forced a smile. “Sounds good. Same time tomorrow,” you left the training area and headed for Yelena and Kate’s room before she could say anything else.

*

“Kate Bishop, give me the cup,” Yelena reached for the smoothie cup, but the archer held it above her head out of reach.

“No!” The archer laughed at the pout on the blonde’s face. “She asked me to make her workout smoothie, and you will put healthy stuff in it. She deserves a sweet treat!” The sound of Wanda’s laughter forced the archer to look away.

“Are you going to help me, Maximoff, or just stand there?” Yelena asked. The witch shook her head.

“I am not getting involved with this. But,” she sat in the empty seat. “I think you both need to check on your other half.” The duo turned serious when she mentioned that you and Kate had placed the cup on the counter.

“Was she hurt?” Kate asked, and her anxiety only lessened slightly when Wanda shook her head.

“Not exactly, but I would go check on her,” Wanda sighed. “I didn’t do it on purpose, but my powers wandered into her mind during the workout. They weren’t very nice thoughts about her image.” Yelena sighed.

“I knew we should have confronted her about this,” the blonde said. “She has been off since we had that Thai food,” Wanda left the couple and told them that if they needed anything, they should come get her. Kate put her hands on her hips.

“It must be bad if she hid it from us. We have that rule.”

“We must be smart about this and get our girl back.”

*

It was only a matter of time before they came to find you. You were sloppy around Wanda and let your thoughts get too loud. You had time to take a shower, change into comfy clothes, and sit on the edge of the bed. Picking at the skin of your thighs helped as it was unwise to take the blade you hid in your side of the dresser. The action was mindless and soothing. You missed the door opening, and Kate grabbed your hands. “Hi, Princess,” the archer whispered. “Are you here with us?” You felt Yelena sit down next to you.

“Yeah, I’m here,” you whispered, and your head fell onto Yelena’s shoulder. “I’m tired.” The blonde hummed in agreement.

“You have been hiding something from us, data,” the blonde softly spoke. “You might feel better if you told us the truth,” you closed your eyes as you felt tears form in them.

“It’s so stupid,” you said. “I’m so stupid.”

“Hey,” you opened your eyes to look at Kate. “Don’t talk about my girlfriend like that. I think she is brilliant and beautiful.” You smiled at the goofy look on her face. Sighing, you knew it was the right thing to do. Everything felt so heavy.

“A week after the Stark party, a picture of the three of us circled one of those Avenger blogs that report on you,” you took a deep breath in and out. “My coworkers found it and showed me. Some of the comments were awful towards me. They highlighted everything I hated about myself.”

“Why did you not tell us about this?” Yelena asked. She tried to mask the hurt in her voice, but you heard it. You never wanted to hurt them by hiding this.

“I worried if I told you, you would see that they saw and leave me,” you admitted. “I wanted to fix what was broken before you saw it. I am a nobody compared to you.” You angrily wiped your face.

“Princess, take my hand,” you gave one hand to Kate and the other to Yelena. “Nothing about you is broken. Those assholes are jealous and spiteful,” you knew that. You knew that from the beginning.

“But,” Yelena pushed loose hair out of your face and kissed your forehead. “Our mind is our biggest enemy, right?” You nodded. “You are our missing piece. We are whole because of you.”

“But I’m not an Avenger or a hero or—” Kate hushed you gently, moving her thumb across her lips.

“We don’t want you to be a hero,” The archer said firmly. “We want and need you to be you because you are a constant reminder of life outside of fighting and Avenging.”

“You are the reason we come home after every mission,” Yelena added, kissing the tears that fell down your cheek.

“We need you, baby,” Kate smiled. “And we will remind you every day.” She kissed the scars on your thighs, and the simple action caused more tears to leave your eyes. “Where is the blade, baby?” You weakly pointed to the dresser. Yelena quickly stood up and went to find it. Kate maneuvered you to lie down on the bed with her arms tightly around you. There was more to discuss, more things you needed to work through. Right now, you felt safe in your girls’ arms.

*

The night of the Gala, you felt your normal nerves with all the eyes and cameras on you. But Yelena and Kate quieted every doubt that entered your mind. As much as they said they needed you, you needed them.

[sapphire-weapon]

hello there, how's your day going :)

i know you've talked about this before, i've seen your answer myself but i just have to say this one to let out some frustration in me lol

i've been scrolling down on tiktok for some eagleone content and whenever i see a video slightly about them there's like "siblings fr" / "brother-sister" captions and it's making me almost fume LMFAOO

what the HELL are these people talking about seriously.

and the comments are even worse, saying "so glad everyone is thinking of them as siblings" kinda shit

i have this urge....urge to puke bc whAT 🗣️🗣️❗❗

like, say something normal like "good friends" or "platonic" at least if you can't see them as a ship, since NOTHING in RE4make between Leon and Ashley are sibling-like to me and im sure many people who know smt little about body language can tell that

i just think this is some kinda propaganda to stop ppl shipping eagleone at this point lol some new ppl could indeed feel bad about shipping them if the majority of the ppl they see on social media see them as... siblings *pukes*

however it makes me wanna write some juicy, intense smut with the ship just to rile these ppl up haha

(thanks for reading this nonsense babbling)

.....

I know it's frustrating, anon. It's easy to ignore one person being dumb and wrong, because your brain can more easily go "ha ha look at what the jackass said" and move on. But to see people being stupid and wrong en masse over and over and over again is a little soul-crushing.

I'm personally going through this with the goddamn mafia background shit. I've kind of reached a point where I'd rather be trapped in a room with the entirety of Aeon fandom than have to bear witness to even just one more motherfucker who actually thinks that Leon is actually legitimately meant to be seen as Italian by Capcom -- ESPECIALLY after seeing what he looks like in Remake -- because apparently half of the people in RE fandom have never actually seen an Italian person in their fucking life. And, as someone from New Jersey, I take that shit personally. My stepdad's last name is Renzulli. Don't fucking tell me that Leon Scott fucking Kennedy is meant to be the son of Italian immigrants.

But I think what's important to bear in mind is that nothing that dumbasses say in this fandom -- no matter how many they are or how many times they say their stupid bullshit -- changes what the canon actually is or says. Twitter/Tumblr/TikTok dumbasses especially have no power over RE canon. When game devs look for fan response, they look for actual fan response to their official tweets and blog posts, as well as some forums (hello ResetEra), prominent content creators on Twitch and Youtube and what their audiences are saying, and game reviews (as well as comments posted on game reivews). No one at Capcom gives a singular flying fuck what the deeper fandom side of fandom is doing or saying, because they know that most of us are certifiable.

So, as rage-inducing as it is, we gotta just let some things go, man.

Leon/Ashley is a canonical romance, intended to be viewed as romantic by Capcom, and that's not going to change no matter how many thinly-veiled misogynists try to bad-faith morality police their way around fandom otherwise.

Leon Kennedy has no official backstory per canon and has never, in any way, shape, or form, been modeled or portrayed in a way that's meant to be viewed as Italian or in a way that makes sense with the idea he has mafia ties in his family or background.

Anyone who ever tries to tell you otherwise is selling something.

Remember: if it's not in the games, it's not canon. And what is in the games is a romance. Full stop.

So, if you can channel that rage into something productive like smut, please, for the love of god, do. It's a way better response than getting yourself all riled up. And this ship needs more creators putting stuff in the tag, besides.

[aroaceconfessions]

I’m aphobic. I’m sorry. Consider that your cw. Here’s why. I thought I was ace for several years and turned out not to be. I’m still angry at myself for it, especially as I carry on a parasocial fantasy relationship in my head to assuage my own loneliness. Every now and then I wonder if I’m actually grey-ace after all considering how few people I’ve been attracted to. The last label I tried was grey-aroace, again due to minimal actual attraction to people. I still feel a pull towards part of this community, even if it just makes me feel bad about myself. It honestly does leave me feeling broken - I’m older and absolutely should be in a relationship, the problem is 1) meeting people and 2) being attracted enough. I’ve thought about just finding someone to lose my virginity to and on a really good day, it sounds tolerable. Most days, it’s nauseating to the point of sex-aversion. Hell even with relationships, the idea of being so emotionally, spiritually close with someone, so trusting, able to completely be yourself around them and emotionally merge, it just sounds like a dream being something I’ve never really experienced. It just looks so beautiful, I want that but really doubt my capacity for it. When I brought it up to a therapist she asked if I could be aro to explain my lack of attraction - the very concept is actually kind of offensive to me (And I know that’s wrong. I know all the “it doesn’t affect you” explanations and I still feel like it does, actually, if people are going to tell me or just imply that people like me are brainwashed and codependent for wanting a partner). I love love. I’m a complete sucker for romance, beeline for shipping in every fandom I’m in, and a strong believer in love as a powerful thing in people’s lives. I’ve been on a trashy-romance-novel binge and I wish they could stop having the main couple bonk every other chapter and focus on the sweet, emotional stuff because that’s just aaaaa to me. And yes, the cold, “loveless” person getting a crush and their pride taken down a notch by their own romantic vulnerability is one of my favorite tropes. Those common arguments about not needing a relationship or even love to be content and fulfilled almost feel like a personal attack as someone who does. Or at least who has been pretty lonely and unhappy and finds it easy to spin out into shame and self-loathing for being “inferior” or “wrong”. Or those arguments about sex and love being fundamentally human, we need those to justify them. Otherwise you should argue that allos are actually the inferior, broken people because they feel attraction and desire and can’t just choose not to (that was always my biggest pet peeve in aspec spaces - people talking like their identity is a choice). On the other hand, I’ve been scrolling this blog and honestly quite relating to the people who don’t like being aspec and want to experience romance/sexuality. That’s basically how I feel, or used to. The exact content changed. There was one post talking about doing exactly what I’ve thought about doing, hitching up a relationship with anyone because “I’m old and it’s normal and I have no excuses”. Except ruling out aspec labels, I actually don’t have an excuse. All that ranting is the addled, angry thoughts of a 29yo virgin who’s mostly crushed on a handful of fictional characters (which only recently changed) and doesn’t really care about sex but has a very hormonal libido and would like to try it with a romantic partner they trust and love.

[sparrowssoulsongs]

01. Decompression - Their Methlab // Weaves & Waves

Hi.

I wanted to start this blog just so I can write some essays about songs that I really love and share them with whoever might be interested.

I don't study music, I have studied fine art for several years now - first in high school and now at a university in my home town. I won't give any informed analysis on the musical theory behind the songs I will write about but instead I will just write about how I personally interpret these songs and what they mean to me - emotionally and sentimentally. The point of this blog is not for me to flaunt some intellectual ability to write or to flex my musical taste but to connect.

I am going to write these little essays purely for myself but I will share them with the hopes that someone will come across this and read them so we can share the human experience that music gives us.

I am aware this probably already sounds awfully pretentious, for which I apologize haha but if this kind of language  bothers you, you should probably scroll past this.

Since this is my very first post and I am about to write many words I have decided to go for one of my most favourite songs ever which actually has no lyrics.

If I had to rank the songs I love, I'd probably put this song at the top of the list in first place.

The song is called Decompression by the band Their Methlab , the song is on Spotify to listen if you are curious ( I will also link the youtube link for anyone who doesn't have Spotify)

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/track/1BAdzZ4WMxWYxsrR8Z5FSv?si=RslheiQpQyiYjokXFlV9iQ&dd=1

Youtube link: https://youtu.be/7ukUysNX7R0

The song starts off slow, at first just a slow low ambient hum that to me sounds like a wave washing up on the shore on those quiet , windless days. The first few seconds set me up on the edge of a wide wild coast , staring out to an endless horizon of blue and silver. Suddenly, a slow beat enters the scene. Another character.

To me this song has always felt like an inner battle, the battle of oneself. The battle of one's heart and one's head. You may think that I am about to say that the beat is the heart but not even I am this cliche. (I still am incredibly cliche though.) To me that second character is the dance of the heart and the head. It is both of them tangled together, unable to separate. 

Then after two minutes , we get the release of our suspense - we get our explosion.

Any time I think of this song I think of a whirlpool.Being caught in it. There is another background sound behind all of the instruments of something that sounds a bit like a skipping record.

To me , not only are you in the whirlpool but you are the whirlpool.

The dance of the heart and head becomes hectic, panicked. You are trapped inside your own head, trying to make heads or tails of what you are thinking, what you are feeling. But its something you cant untangle. You are trapped in a web of your own making. Gasping for air desperately, trying to swim up , unleash yourself of the violent current you are twirling inside of. It's so much. Everything is too much. It overwhelms you. You lose yourself in it. As your head tries to calm you , your heart beats faster, as you shoot down one bad thought, another one arises. Eventually you tire yourself out. Nothing is resolved and probably never will be but you accept it. You decompress. You breathe in, breathe out. Shakily but you are breathing.

As a person who paints, I have a lot visuals that come to my head everytime I listen to this song. A lot of colours, lights flashing and twirling around me. I can see that calm silver blue sea slowly turn to a gray green. The silver is no longer a reflection of the perfect clearness of the water, the perfectly clear sky above but instead the silver becomes a reflection of the gray sky, the sign of a storm coming.

On the more visual side, this song always looked like that exact moment when the daylight slowly dims as a big gray cloud hides the strong summer sun. Anyone who has spent enough time at the seaside knows exactly what I'm talking about . Its different from when the sun just disappears for a moment , the air changes too. It feels like a heavy blanket was just waved above your head, the air thickens a bit , you can feel its slight and subtle increase in moisture. On the horizon , if you pay attention you can see in the distance the rain that looks like thin dark threads connecting the sky and the sea. Behind the weave of thin threads of rain you can see a dim orange and yellow - the sunlight being reflected back now through the many prisms of many raindrops. As you raise your eyes further above the orangey yellow horizon line, the colours fade into a pale grayish green then into a beautiful warm light grey. The clouds are different shades of dark blue and purple and look menacing yet they emanate a divine presence. They have arrived to end one cycle and to begin a new one. You just happened to witness it.

The sea changes colour, changes its strength with the arrival of the great grey skies. The sea too begins to show its divinity as it begins its conversation  with the clouds above. The waves gradually become stronger, taller as each new wave comes rolling from the heart of the sea back to the shore, each time crashing louder and louder. It is almost as if the sea is trying to cry out to the distant clouds hovering above it. I do not know what the sea wants of the clouds above it - maybe it is saying : "Come back, love. I have missed you. It has been too long." Or maybe it is pleading, begging for mercy. Maybe it is angry at the dark clouds, maybe they have an unresolved schism.

As the raindrops begin to loudly crash into the sea, just like dropping marbles inside a glass jar, their conversation continues , only they know what is being said.

Just like the mystery of nature, the power of the elements crashing together into one, so do our inner feelings, our inner mysteries.

This song has been my loyal companion in my many attempts to untangle these inner mysteries. Just like the rain, I have my own inner threads, my own inner sea and sky having a dialogue to which I don't have translation for. Many things have happened to me throughout the years to trigger these stroms inside me and this song has been there to explain the unexplainable. To comfort and nurture ,to give words to those feelings in the only way possible-

through the gift of sound.

- S

04/02/2023 

[emma-radfemcanu]

Hi you’re my favourite blog on tumblr and I’m always too scared to message you but I really need a friend for a moment so I’m hoping I can borrow your ear lol

So yesterday was my 25th birthday, it’s also the 15th anniversary of me becoming a Swiftie (I got Fearless on my 10th birthday as a present, instantly fell in love), but instead of being at Taylor’s Eras Tour concert in Sydney (just a state over from where I live) I spent the night at home.

All this because the ticketing company for the Aus leg of the tour is dog shit. Im on a disability pension so I had literally spent years saving up for a chance to one day see her, I didn’t even go to see Harry Styles on tour bc I’ve never seen Taylor live (I’ve never seen Harry live either but Taylor is my priority). I spent 10 hours online trying to get tickets, I didn’t have anyone to help me so I only had one chance. I never once even made it into the online ticket lobby.

I’m actually so crushed. It’s been getting me down for ages but I was hoping that for the actual day of, I might be able to go out with a friend to take my mind off it and hopefully enjoy my birthday but all my friends managed to get tickets and so went to the concert without me. Also just to rub salt in the wound I didn’t get any birthday presents, which like I get it I’m an adult and my family is pretty poor but it still would’ve been nice to at least get a card. My Mum did cook me my favourite dinner which was nice and she and my Dad tried to cheer me up by insisting I watch the SpongeBob movie with them, I used to watch it as a kid whenever I was sick, and it used to work to cheer me up but yesterday it just reminded me of spending my childhood in a hospital and having no friends. So yeah I just feel really shit.

Sorry to dump all this on you but i can’t really talk to any of my irl friends about it bc for some bizarre reason they just say I’m being ungrateful (I don’t get why but that’s just how my friends are lol). I just had to get it out of my system you know? I hope it doesn’t bum you out too much. I spent some time scrolling on your blog and as always it’s cheered me up a great deal so thank you💖

Ok anyway if you read this thank you you’re the best, I’m gonna cry in the shower now lol (btw we have the same name which I think is really cool🥰)

Another rad Emma xxx

Hello! (I am v excited that I can finally answer asks again- I meant to contact tumblr support so many times but was afraid of getting termed, but I saw the beginning of this and it made me finally do it)

I'm sorry that you didn't have a nice birthday :( it sucks when you really look forward to something and then it doesn't work out. It is what it is but you shouldn't feel bad for feeling disappointed- even if your parents did make an effort I get why you would feel sad about it

And unfortunately you definitely weren't the only one who had this experience with Eras tickets- the sales were enough of a shitshow as it was lol, I can only imagine how difficult and frustrating it must be trying to get accessibility tickets. And it was especially crappy timing for you with it being your birthday. I really hope that you'll get to see Taylor (and Harry) someday even if it wasn't to be this time

It was very sweet of you to say that you love my blog 💕 and I am always happy for people to send me stuff so please do if you want to talk!

(although just for clarification my name is not actually Emma haha, my url is a tennis pun)

[rewordthis]

🌼Spring-Summer☀️ Update🌻 Hello! Hello! How is my SouHaru nation doing this fine day? I hope you’re all doing great!😊 I mean, do you even remember this blog at all… 😅Ah~ I’m terribly sorry for the lack of word on the ongoing fics but RL is a mess. Haha🥲 Alright, I just need to state this, first, so that I can remember what an idiot I am… I managed to spent three whole days, from Saturday to Monday, scrolling through art in tumblr with only a couple hours of sleep in between and at the third day I was like; ‘Ok, I feel so freaking motivated to draw right now!’ and picked up my sketchbook, right? You, guys… 😓 the minute I opened a blank page, I stared at it and went: ‘Right, now what? Uh… Oh! Let’s try X character’s face!’ and not that character did I not manage to draw… but not even an egg could I map out!!! 😱 And what did I do, you ask? I picked back up my phone to scroll down some more art on tumblr for yet one more day! Of course! Ha! Ah, but then it hit me— I was so sleepy that after that I had a ten-hour nap that broke the cycle. Pff!~😅 But not to drag this any further, I was in a really bad headspace since the end of March and this was like the lowest of my lows… So… Yeah… Anyway, now onto the actual update…

On Thursday, I had some progress with a Free! WIP I was stuck for a long — looong (not gonna say exactly how long, it’s embarrassing) — time and(!) a Jujutsu Kaisen WIP the day before. I’m so glad!? ☺️ I really hope I can keep this momentum going and finish these two stories within the next couple months, because I’m tired going back over dozens of WIPs again and again. 😮‍💨 Plus, it doesn’t help that I keep coming up with new project ideas. 😬

By the way, June is almost here and on July Jujutsu Kaisen second season is coming, too, so I’m excited for it, as well! Even if I have been spoiler-ed for it… Still, I tried keeping away from spoilers as much as possible. Let’s see how that will go.😗 If I can’t get surprised by anything, I’ll get sour, though. (Just saying…)

Oh! I almost forgot! I, also, watched Free!💦 The Final Stroke part 2!✨ Sousuke is such a beautiful character— I was giggling at his every scene! 🤭 And we, SouHaru’s, finally got it on canon that Sousuke carried Haruka in his arms — I’ll be screaming this every time! — (because it was impossible to mount him for a piggyback ride with the way Haruka was sleeping!😉) to the infirmary. 🤩😍🤗🫠 I’m so moved and pleased by this~ 😌🥹🥰 Sure, I would have loved to see it animated, but well… it is KyoAni we’re talking about here, so it was a surprise they even let us have it as much as mentioned, in the first place…😗 (What do we have all this fanart of Sousuke carrying Haruka around, after all, if not for filling the gaps in canon! Right?!😋) I don’t know about you, guys, but I’m glad for the crumbs we managed to get this time around!😤 It is a vindication in and of itself that Sousuke is the one who can carry Haruka in his arms, because he has such a huge build and is so strong compared to everyone else — even Makoto! 🤗🫠🤗 Hm! KyoAni, finally made my boy right and that’s all I want to keep from this series. 😎😘 Cheers!🥂✨ p.s.: As always, inbox 📥 is open for everyone and anyone who wants to fangirl over SouHaru or just Sousuke or just Haruka… or any character, really. (Please, just not Rin…)

Wish you people well and a great week start~ 😘

[kds-lore-dump]

Sw and Bro meet :)

Sw or Penelope Maun is the daughter of a famous actor. However, being a werewolf arachnoid mix, she was hidden. Her mother wasn’t ashamed but scared of how people would react. In the past when mutants like Sw weren’t even attempted; they would always be stillbirths or wouldn’t even develop in the womb. Sw is a medical mystery.

Sw grew up comfortably but isolated. She had 5 other siblings but due to her age, mental/physical issues, and isolation she never really got to see them. She turned to books/daydreaming and eventually the internet!

She quickly became enamored by scene kids and the whole subculture (and emo but not as much). She dyed her hair and quickly changed her whole style. (she even made her own blog)

She kept up on her studies (online school)but could only deal with her loneliness so much. With taking online school for safety and her mother making movies she was left by herself.

She would try making friends with internet strangers but her anxiety was too bad. So, she began to daydream. A little too much.

For days on end she’d forget to eat, clean, or do her work sometimes. For hours and hours . She wouldn’t even sleep.

She was scrolling on the internet looking for more music to put in the background when one of her mutuals reblogged about maladaptive daydreaming.

She decided she finally had enough. She would pull herself out of the day dream one way or another. (she wanted what she had in her dreams. a family.)

She cut open a backpack, stuffed her spider legs in, packed a lunch, got her earbuds, and went to the nearest school.

She needed someone to talk to.

Anyone.

She typed in directions on her phone and walked away.

When she made it to the school entrance and saw everyone go inside she got cold feet.

She swore everyone was staring at her. Knowing she was a monster, a freak. Who her mom was. That she was an imposter.

Or the worst thought was that nobody missed her, and they wished she’d done this sooner.

And stay gone.

Feeling dizzy, her vision blurred with tears, and her chest tightening she quickly went around the side of the school hopefully where there was no one else when there was a big shadow and something crashed into her.

She winced and felt two big eyes staring at her.

“A thousand apologizes! Please forgive me. I am still trying to find my way around here!”

It's been awhile since Sw has heard a voice except her own.

“no no no, it’s my fault i- uh wasn’t looking,”

She wipes her tears (smudging her black eyeliner) and sees a green? and outstretched hand accompanying a green smiley face

“here” :-]

She accepts the offer and pulls herself up with the strangers help.

She couldn’t remember the last time she touched anyone either.

she tried to not think about how soft their hands were, feeling her face heat up.

At first she intensely studied the ground but slowly trailed her way up to an unblinking green teenager.

They were androgynous.

They had green skin and light blue jeans with a simple plain white t-shit.

When Sw finally made eye contact, feeling her face heat up, they saw two completely different eyes, and both unblinking.

The left one was dripping down their face. Completely blank, she imagined it was similar to oil. The entirety of their eye was black and concaved?

She would be somewhat grossed out if not entirely obsessed with the idea that someone outside of her family was willingly interacting with her.

She pushed back her thoughts about how they lost their eye.

Brief imagines of gouging her own eyes out briefly flashed behind her eyelids.

Again, suppressing her thoughts, something she was too used to. She outstretched her hands.

“I’m Spiderwolf!!”

She spoke a bit too loud and excitedly. Ignoring the startled look the green stranger gave her she took her hand back running her nails against her jeans

“what’s your name,”

She smiled at the floor realizing, how weird this situation was.

“I- uh. I-,”

clenching his jaw, frustrated at his own errors. He paused and furrowed his brows before looking at her again

“I don’t have one,”

Slightly tilting her head in confusion she just look at them.

“Are you new here?”

They nodded, looking down.

“Where are you from,”

The green stranger took some time to think but she took it as uncomfortably.

“I’m not like interrogating you or anything! I was just bornhereand,”

She continued rambling before they look at her again

“Space,”

She laughed dryly before her face dropped. Internally cursing at herself inside she realized she was either talking to someone on drugs, insanely delusion, or just fucking cruel.

“ok well I’m going home nice meeting you,”

Giving a half smile she walked around the corner to the road and pulled her phone out trying to get an uber.

She felt a tap on her shoulder rolling her eyes she turned around

“yes?”

Instantly the world beneath her vanished. If she had to describe death this would be it.

Suddenly and all consuming. She was on the road, stressed and inconvenienced. Now she’s not.

Something bright flooded her sense. Even blinded she could recognize the stranger by the lack of scent they held.

“hey I forgot that magic wasn’t common. Even amongst mutated human genes,”

As her sensitive eyes adjusted to the sudden change she realized she was at her house ?

Dumbfounded, she just stared at the stranger.

“I saw a lady who looked like you on a box, so I assumed you were her offspring.”

Stuck in her former position before the teleportation this stranger seemed to perform she just stood in front of her house, frozen. Mouth agape.

The stranger just smiled nicely and fiddled with his hands.

She wordlessly went into her house. Waving the stranger inside tired of fighting this budding friendship.

Giddy the green stranger followed.

She went upstairs, to the last door and opened the door for them.

“This is my room, you can hang out with me, I guess.”

The stranger thought for a moment and then went inside.

[waffietato]

I pity literally everyone who follows me

[thefanficmonster]

Hidden Powers

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warnings: Abuse allegations, Swearing, Mild melancholy

Genre: Humor, SLIGHT Angst, Fluff, RPF (Real Person Fic) - Sorry the genres are all over the place

Summary: A misconception or misunderstanding turned rumor threatens to bring down Corpse’s entire career, but luckily, Y/N knows better than to stand aside and let it happen.

Requested by Anon. Hi darling! Thank you so much for your request and I’m so sorry for the long wait but here it finally is and I hope you enjoy the fic if you happen to come across it. Love, Vy ❤

“Fuck this game!“ Y/N yells out in frustration as she is met with the screen informing her of her failure - aka death - for the fifth time in the past hour. “Has anyone ever even passed night four? I’m sure the king of FNAF Markiplier has but I’m also sure he hasn’t done it one a livestream! And my big mouth really had to go ahead and swear not to end this stream until I pass this God forsaken night, ughhh!“

Typically, Y/N’s quite the fearful rat when playing horror games, especially when home alone like right now, but this FNAF game has gradually turned her into a raging gamer instead. Not raging as in kicking ass at the game but as in the game kicking the ass of her sanity. She’s been struggling with this specific night for a while - the better half of her previous stream and an hour into today’s. Well, seeing how little progress she’s making with each try, it’s gonna be way more than an hour into today’s livestream as well. She’ll be lucky if she manages to get past it before hitting the three hour mark or just rage quitting which she’s bound to do eventually if her gameplay keeps going at this rate.

Another try later, she’s once again jumpscared into a failure screen that’s practically mocking her at this point. Throwing her arms above her head, Y/N sighs heavily, the frustration she’s harboring becoming more and more evident in her body language. “You know what, I need a break. Lemme see what you guys are saying in the chat.”

Scrolling through comments upon comments greeting her, sending her compliments and some trolling her with some hateful remarks she comes across a question which makes her brows furrow. That same question is repeated by a few other people but they fly by so quickly she doesn’t manage to catch the people’s usernames.

“A bruise on my arm? Where?“ She says out loud as she inspects both her arms, looking for what her chat had been talking about. That’s when her eyes eyes land on the purple mark on the skin just above her right elbow. She laughs, “Oh this? I know I’m a clumsy person but Corpse is to blame for this one.“

Little does the girl know, her boyfriend, who’s currently in his own apartment instead of camping out at hers, is watching this very stream, laughing his ass off remembering how that bruise came to be.

His laughter is cut short though when he catches glimpse of Y/N’s chat which suddenly floods with concern from her fans - assumptions and allegations of him being an abusive boyfriend starting to pollute the previously cheerful comment section. His stomach turns, for many reasons, each reason making it tighten in a worse and more painful knot. 

The first blow comes from people actually coming up with such a thing. How could they even allow their minds to wander to such a dark and disgusting place where he’d be even remotely an abuser.

The second blow to his heart is delivered by the fact that people believed it. How and why could people believe such an absurd idea?! How low did these people think of him? What kind of piece of shit did he come off as to some people?

And the third is the mental image the idea gives him. It’s such a fucked up scene, he can’t even conjure it up, he can’t mentally picture it. Hell, he could and would never even raise his voice at Y/N. He’d never dare upset her or hurt her feelings let alone hurt her....like that!

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!“ Y/N’s gasp reaches him as though it was meant to fish him out of the downward spiral he started going down with these overwhelmingly dark thoughts, “What’s with this nonsense some of y’all are spewing in the chat?!“ She sounds downright angry and irritated, ready to fight whoever will continue spreading these rumors about her lovely boyfriend whom she absolutely adores. “Guys, I mean, seriously?! Do you have any idea what you’re talking about and WHO you’re talking about? Do we have the same Corpse in mind here? I doubt we do - you have some villainized, abusive version, and I have the loving boyfriend who tried to teach me how to handle a lightsaber so we can have a lightsaber fight and my dumbass used my own weapon against me. Yeah, I was pretty salty Corpse laughed his heart out while I was cringing in pain, but man, you guys take it farther than the farthest.“ Seeing his sweet, kind and non-confrontational girlfriend who always avoids conflict at all costs turn into this protective lioness because someone is talking shit about him is heartwarming and scary at the same time. “Y’all better shut the hole where these fucked up rumors surfaced from before you get one of the most innocent, loving and caring individuals in hot water for the BS you came up with! Copy? You better.“

Corpse has never in his entire life seen the topic of a stream chat change so quickly, the rumor never once getting brought up again.

That’s some serious power right there - power he never knew Y/N possessed because of her cute and soft exterior. Now he knows what kinda beast of a woman he’s dating - one prepared to do anything to protect him, no matter who from. And damn does that make him feel emotional and loved despite the shit that just happened. She can make him forget all the bad within the blink of an eye - that too is another superpower of hers, but this one he’s known about from the very start.

@maat-the-prescriptive  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @itsminniekat  @hacker-ghost  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios  @maehemscorpyus  @loraleiix  @letsloveimagines  @annshit  @i-cant-choose-a-username-help  @enigmaticmaze  @divine-artemis  @waterlilypat  @idontknowwhatthisisfam  @evi-ka  @classyandfabulous00  @redperson58  @lilysdaydreams @solowheein  @mythicalamphitrite  @axen-gers  @luckygirl144  @nj01  @buddyemily   @the-albino-lioness  @stardream14  @gdhdkfnn  @nomadicgypsyy  @preciousskye  @fluffysuicideunicornsworld  @o-kaelin  @manacharlotte  @awkward-youtube-trash  @lolalee24  @bonky-beerns  @meme-lord-and-savior-sebastian  @strawbrinkofdeath  @teenloves  @tams0527  @browneyespinkhair  @starstruckllamapuppy  @daisychains012  @y0ulooked  @tinytacosuitcaseflap @supernatural-is-my-only-life  @jula-pauline  @melodykitty  @just-that-bi-girl  @crazybutconfidentaf  @lowellshade @alphakees  @bellero  @weallneednamjesus  @starryhanji  @boiled-onionrings  @husherstan  @fockingwhore  @melaningoddessthings  @prettypastelpetals  @haleypearce  @godwhyamiawkward  @y-napotat  @daisychainyoonmin  @little-miss-rebel3  @free-wheelin-bi-sexual  @redmoon261 @darkacademic2  @wiseflamingoqueen  @into-the-end  @namikhai-i  @nastiablr  @thelittleplantlover  @mirktuan  @dont-hyuck @jjk-bunny  @vintagegothlover  @easygoingtheatre  @itsrandombooklover  @miiaivi  @emmybaybee  @befourgolden  @jjk-is-my-shit  @eternalteaaars  @spacebadgerx  @princesslunalight  @acequinn14  @samm48  @misselsbells06 @simp-lykawa  @fo-love  @marishimomura-blog  @therealglenncoco  @cinnamonbun332  @killtherandomness  @sanshinexxxsan  @fee-btheweeb  @press-lay  @cathleenpotgieter16  @jazzydoesstuff  @moonlxghtbay  @forestrain2000  @hyunjinhugs  @blood-of-fandoms  @lovellylies  @ukiyolixx  @simpforhpcharacters  @chrisdylan17  @parkerjisung  @pedernille  @theodonyous  @wineandionysus  @malfoystilinskii05  @morbid-x  @coryisagee  @jessewa26  @scoobydooluver97 @mindintheskies365  @raeanneinwonderland  @indecisive-empanada  @gluttonypalace  @loriane2503  @btsiguess-kpop  @khaoticbunny  @lucidlycactus  @smiithys  @rottenroyalebooks  @kpopgirlbtssvt  @fangirl-tc27  @fr0z3n-1  @notmesimpingfortechno  @shotarosleftpinky  @kunoi-chan  @idk-whats-wrong-with-me  @yikeroonie  @goldenstarofthunderclan  @poetry-and-tea  @ama-do-writing-stuff  @wishbonewolf  @emeraldxhope  @t0xick1tty  @kusuinko  @speakyourselfloveyourself  @sophia902103  @lo-manburg  @classsykittykat  @dmgama  @depressedpuppythatneedscoffee  @btsiguess-kpop  @akaashi-baby  @gun-jong-simp  @geschichtenfee  @yerapotato-wp  @browneyedgirl365  @thysagclub  @sparklycloudnight  @helloatomicshadow  @queentorresstuff @vtte @val-gal  @lucy-bunny17  @aaliyahh0  @katluckybear  @boyleanti  @straybids  @franchesca-791  @cosmicstorm19  @averyisbackinthetrashcan  @aomi-nabi  @xlanawriter  @allensimpsforcorpse  @sunnyrae-cessh  @ladykxxx08  @meowiemari  @renupf  @booklover76  @sra-verissimo

[youalreadyhavefullresults]

hello, my name is t aka 🥹 anon. i have a lot to me and my story, if you want like to know about it, lmk. but im not here to talk about the old story, but how to change from it? i suffer from borderline personality disorder. you can do your research, but to summarize i have really high highs (manic episodes) and really low lows (depressive episodes). so i am extremely prone to spirals and etc. ive been in a toxic manifestation cycle where ive found a new method, failed at it and haven’t gotten results, then i would over-consume and attempt self concept then end up spiralling when i saw people with what i had and realized that my deadline is getting closer and closer (2 weeks) and then search for a new method again. it is so easy to just wallow in your sadness, especially when the media glorifies sadness and makes you jealous of others. ive been in this cycle for 3 years. ive tried to restart my journey by taking breaks and doing things that “i love”, but if you struggle with mental health or know anyone who does, you know it’s not easy to think a certain way or feel a certain way because of your mental illness. i want to restart my journey. not the ways i did before, not by taking a break then noticing that i haven’t manifested my desires and forcing myself to work on self concept or try a new method. i want to unlearn everything and learn what i need and actually do it correctly this time. but i don’t know how to make manifestation not feel like a chore and find a way to do that suits me. here’s the thing, i know basically any answer to any question you could ask me about manifestation and i know how to act on it. but people have different ways they can manifest and what’s subjective to them and i need help finding my way to manifest that isn’t toxic and causes me to spiral and look for a new method. preferably we could dm and you could help me, but replying to my anonymous message is just as efficient. but it gets confusing when you’ve fed yourself so much information from so many different sources, id prefer if you could also recommend a few loa blogs to look at too, so i don’t scroll through 10 million. it sounds contradictory when you’ve consumed so much, but it’s really only because everyone believes and thinks differently. i just want to actually manifest what i want this time and before my deadline. i want to get what i want and not be hindered by my mental health or hinder it even more as a result of failed attempts from every method known to man. how do i reconstruct my mindset and find a routine / way to manifest that fits me even with my mental illness (my parents don’t believe in therapy, so i can’t get treated for it)? especially something to help when i spiral and self sabotage

Hey 🥹 anon,

You mentioned that you didn’t want to take another break and start over, and from what I just read, yeah, taking a break doesn’t seem to be the thing that you need. Instead, let’s direct our attention to this statement.

"ive been in a toxic manifestation cycle where ive found a new method, failed at it and haven’t gotten results, then i would over-consume and attempt self concept then end up spiralling when i saw people with what i had and realized that my deadline is getting closer and closer (2 weeks) and then search for a new method again."

The main reason why this cycle seems to continue is because you're not persisting. And hold on just a sec, I don't mean to say you're not persisting and then just shut the question down. Just read a bit further and you'll see where I'm going lol.

You assumed that the method failed and therefore it did. Why did you do that? How you do know that it actually failed and that there wasn't movement happening already? because you focused on other people's journeys rather than yours. You mentioned that the main reason you spiralled was because you saw other people getting all of their desires and felt bad that you couldn't do the same. However, if "people have different ways they can manifest and what’s subjective to them"(quote taken directly from this ask), then what's to say that doesn't apply to the manifesting time as well?

Everyone is at different stages of their journey, and of course, that impacts the amount of time it might take for them to manifest something as well. You seem to understand this to some extent, so why should you compare yourself to others?

I understand that seeing others succeeding can be off-putting, especially when you can't seem to pull those same results. However, if this is the main cause of you not persisting? That's a huge issue. You could have been so close to your manifestation, but would have had no idea since you stopped persisting.

You definitely do need a break, but not from manifesting. You need a break from loa media. You know how to manifest, you know exactly what needs to be done to get your desires. So take a break from loa media for a while, and get it together lol. Personally, when I go on loa media breaks, I usually screenshot a few loa posts to motivate myself, but other than that, I completely stay away from anything else regarding it for a while. You'll see soon, that you honestly don't need anything more from outside sources, and just manifest away.

One last thing, you mentioned that you wanted me to recommend some blogs for you to read through. However, I'm not going to do that. Why? I really don't think you need to be sent down another loa rabbit hole rn lol. The best way to stop overconsuming, is to stop immediately. If you can, get off this app asap after reading this. You already know what needs to be done. Just affirm + persist. Write out 1 - 3 affs you like and just loop them in your head. That's all you need really. I think it's best for you to just take a break from all loa media until your self-concept and in general manifestation improves.

Oh yeah one last thing, you said that you were struggling with deadlines as well. Instead of using deadlines, I suggest you affirm that you manifest extremely fast instead. That'll take some of the pressure off to get it by a certain date.

Sorry this got really long but I hope it helped, i'm rooting for you <33

[words-for-holland]

Always Yours

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Sometimes dating a celebrity is hard...but Tom & Y/N have always said no matter what happens they could get through anything. Some angst but a lot of fluff.

A/N: So sorry for leaving yall hanging! Life is just crazy right now and this blog needs a lot of TLC tbh!! Also ehh I def dont think this was my best work but enjoy?

“Oof” Y/N lets out as she plops on to her boyfriend who was lying comfortable on the couch. Tom groaned at the impact with a cheeky smile on his face, his arms instantly wrapping around Y/N’s frame.

“Y’know..there are empty seats right there.” The soft brown-eyed boy gestured with the flick of his thick head as Y/N raises her eyes looking down at him, pretending to be slightly offended.

“Oh I see how it is then. It’s cool...Ill just cuddle with Tessa instead. I know she would welcome me with open arms instead of—” As she slowly starts getting off his chest, Tom is quick to pull her back in, securing her with his strong arms. “No baby, I was just kidding. I want you right here, and Im never letting you go.” he pleas.

The only thing Y/N could manage was letting out a fit of giggles into his chest, a sound that Tom adored and would do absolutely anything to hear every minute of every day. They stay like this for a while enjoying the feeling of each other as they both run their hands into each others hair, the feeling of their chests moving up and down, the subtle thumps of their heartbeats, and the little slips of adoration that came out of their mouths. It was peaceful. A moment that nobody could really take a way because it was theirs.

Y/N casually pulls up her phone, and scrolls through Twitter when she noticed a particular tweet on her timeline. Her eyebrows furrow, as she read the 160 character message.

Why Tom Holland Should Be With Aaliyah Cole and Dump Y/N: A Thread.

She knew it wasnt a good idea to open up the thread. She knew very well that everything within the shallow string of tweets would be a complete waste of her time because it was made up by fans who just wanted to satisfy their fantasy of shipping Tom with his co-star. Who can blame them? They always had great chemistry, but it was part of the job and thats all it would ever be.

“You’re awfully quiet.” Tom murmurs, as he places soft kisses at the crown of her head. “Whats going on?” She was lucky her phone was facing away from Tom, quickly closing the app and pretending to be on one of her many tabs in Safari.

“Mmm..nothing.” Y/N lies softly, a tight-lipped smiled plastered on her face.

“Absolute bullocks. Youre not a very good liar.” He chuckles. “Tell me darling. Whats on your mind?”

Y/N rolls her eyes in response. She’s heard that comment one too many times in her life from everyone shes known. After not giving it much thought, she gives in, sighing heavily. “Dont judge me for what Im about to say.”

“Mmm...I think it might depend on wha— Ow” Tom reacts as he playfully rubs the side of his chest that Y/N hit. “Okay too soon for jokes. Go on.”

Again, Y/N sighs as she props herself up. “Its just ... well a lot of your fans keeps talking about wanting you to get with Aaliyah.” She looks down trying not to make eye contact with Tom, who she’d imagine was looking at her with annoyance.

Tom rolls his eyes at the ridiculousness. Not so much at Y/N but the fact that some of his fans just didnt want to accept the fact that he was happy with Y/N. If it had to come from his mouth to stop the stupid rumors and give his girlfriend peace, then hed gladly yell it from the rooftops for everyone to hear. “Thats it Im making a statement about it.”

Y/N’s eyes widen in fear, scrambling to prevent him from grabbing his phone on the table next him. “No no no no.” She repeatedly declines. “You’ll only make it worse.”

“Darling, Im not going to stand here and watch you get all insecure because of their delusional ship.”

“Yeah well Im not gonna be the reason your fans hate me because Im getting in the way of your friendship with Aaliyah Cole.” She fires back.

Tom was ready to open his mouth only to be cut off once again. “And you know better. That is how your fans will always see it.”

“Okay, are you done?” He calmly asked, cautiously observing her. Rarely did Y/N ever get worked up about anything, but when she had her tangents, Tom always made sure she got off everything she needed to say before he becomes her voice of reason.

“Yeah, I guess.” she says feeling defeated. “Look its whatever and Im tired, can we just let this go and forget this whole conversation even happened?”

Tom was unconvinced, but didnt want to push her further. So reluctantly, he gave in and wrapped his arms around Y/N as they both tried to lull themselves to sleep.

***

Y/N wasnt sure how she ended up in the Tube. It was strange how the lights flickered off the rusted tile floor. The train was no where to be seen, but off to the side of the railroads was pitch black, she could hardly see beyond. To her right she noticed herself standing in the corner of the room, and to her surprise Aaliyah was there. Her milk chocolate kissed skin, and fashionably long frizzy hair dropped down past her shoulders. Her figure long and poised, as she wore a rain jacket and sweats. An outfit only she could pull off and make it look like she was a model for Vogue. Aasliyah smiles brightly at Y/N.

“Hey Y/N.” She says cheerfully as a genuine friend would.

To Y/N’s surprise she greeted her back in the same tone. “Hey Aaliyah...uhh whats going on?” Y/N wasnt sure if she wanted the answer of how they both ended up in the Tube or if she truly wanted to know how her day went.

“Well Im getting ready to present at the Oscars.” She replies, a smile plastered as if she was so excited about it, almost too excited like she was keeping a secret.

“Really? Oh my god, that’s amazing! Im so proud of you Aaliyah! Who are you taking?”

Aaliyah pauses for a few moment looking back and forth, making sure no one else was around. “Okay can you keep a secret?” She whispered.

Y/N nods her head slowly, not having the slightest clue of what was going on. “Im taking Tom. I think he really likes me, and well...I like him too! Do you think maybe I should ask him when we go?” Aaliyah asked genuinely. It was almost like she had no recollection of Y/N and Tom being a couple. “I think we would look good together. Everyone is already making rumors and ships about us.”

Y/N backs aways lowly only to bump into a broad figure. As she turns around she sees Tom, emotionless and almost sad. “Y/N.” He speaks out. “I dont think this is going to work out. Im leaving you.”

Y/N’s heart quickens, and her breaths become shorter as she tries to find a way to run. Running and running into the darkness, until all she could hear was Tom’s faint voice calling out her name.

***

“Y/N! Y/N! Baby wake up please.” Tom cries as he gently shakes his girlfriend from her disturbed sleep.

Quickly Y/N opens her eyes and clutches on to Toms hoodie firmly. Back home, and in Toms arms. It was a dream was all she thought. A sigh of relief escaping from her mouth.

“Darling...” he speaks softly, worried about his girlfriend. “Are you okay?”

Y/N looks up at him and nods frantically. “Mmm..bad dream.”

“Yeah it seemed like it. You were so frightened...I was scared. What happened?” He’s looking at her, trying to read her saddened eyes, wanting to desperately understand what scared her so he could make it all go away for her.

Y/N looks down at her fiddling hands, as she sits on the couch. “I uhh...” she lets out a chuckle, thinking of the ridiculousness of it all. “I uhh...dreamed about Aaliyah going to the oscars and saying how she loved you and how you two are perfect for each other. When I turned around I saw you but you werent happy and said you were leaving me.”

Tom doesnt say a word, all he could think about was how sorry he felt to put Y/N in this position. Though both of them knew, It wasnt Toms fault, or anyone’s for that matter. Feelings are feelings and that was okay. No human being was ever born perfect and without insecurities.

Y/N always tried to be a good sport with situations like this knowing every shippers theory and evidence were hardly ever true, but at some point there was only so much she could take before it all came out like an oil spill. Maybe it was a sign that she wasnt good enough to be with Tom if half of his fanbase thought this way as well.

Tom cradled her into his arms again, holding her tightly and kissing the top of her head. “Darling, I know youre still doubting yourself about all of this, but please believe me when I tell you that I love you so so much and no matter what happens...Im always yours.” He whispers gently in her ear. “It was only a dream and these ridiculous rumors and theories are just that. No one woman in the world could ever make me feel the way I feel for you.”

Y/N blinks softly, as she stares into space. Afraid and in a weird way ashamed, its funny how something so small and so minimal could affect her self-esteem so greatly. Tom gently brings her head up, so her eyes can meet his. He rolls his thumb on the bottom of her soft lips. “Hey, I love you.” Tom smiles.

Time stopped for the both of them the moment Y/N looked into his eyes, she felt safe. All the bad words and thoughts slowly disappear. Tom was right, none of the things that anyone said about their relationship mattered. She knew Tom loved her, and how much she truly loved him. Isnt that enough? Of course not. It was more than enough. A smile slowly forming on Y/N’s face. “Theres that smile I love so much.” He comments.

“Im sorry, for being such a —”

“No. Its okay. You have a right to feel the way you did.” He picks up her hand and leaves a gentle kiss.

“I love you so much Tom.” She says pressing her lips to his. “I dont deserve you.”

“Darling, its me that doesnt deserve you. Im always yours.” Tom proclaims as he kisses her back.

[miraculous-sunflower]

doing it for the views

Alya knew Lila was lying. Like come on, Jagged Stone never had a kitten, he had Fang, his crocodile! And why would you openly state that you are best friends with one of the Heroes of Paris? Lila was bad at lying. But Alya didn’t care. When she posted the interview she did with Lila, she got SO many views. More than anything else she had posted! Alya knew Lila had so many “connections” so this could be her big break, leading into her reporting career, even if Lila was lying. It wasn’t like anyone was going to find out...

“ALYA! SHE’S LYING! Why can’t you believe me? You’re my best friend!” Marinette cried. I know she’s lying, girl, but this is helping my career. If you knew, you’d understand. I’m sorry, but for now, I have to act like she’s telling the truth, Alya thought.

Alya took a breath and responded to her claim. “Marinette! She’s not lying! You’re just jealous because of how close she is to Adrien, and jealous of all her connections! You’ve got to stop!” All of their classmates agreed with her, brushing off Marinette’s attempts to warn them as jealousy.

Marinette gasped. She thought Alya was being ridiculous not believing Lila, but now including her crush on Adrien? Marinette broke. She was done being categorized as being mean because of Adrien! “Wow. I thought you’d believe me. But I guess I was wrong. All of you don’t believe me! Even my oldest friends.” She glanced at Nino and Kim, who looked away guiltily. “If you don’t believe me, fine. Believe the liar.” Marinette walked out of the room, just as Lila strolled in.

“I saw Marinette looking mad. Is she alright?” Lila asked in a faux sweet voice.

“She’s just being jealous of you because of Adrien. She’s so annoying!” Alix grumbled.

“I know! Can’t she be considerate of all of Lila’s disabilities?” Rose cried.

“Oh no, was she fighting with you guys about me? I can’t believe I’m wrecking your class apart! Maybe I should just leave...”

“NO! Lila it’s not your fault that Marinette can’t see how great you are! We are willing to sacrifice our friendship with her if it means sticking up for you.” Lila hid a smirk.

Alya couldn’t believe how low her class was. They just believed Lila over Marinette! They were playing with her feelings! How could they! ______________________________________________________________________________________

NO WAY. 10,000 VIEWS?! Alya though as she scrolled through the LadyBlog. She checked on the interview of Lila she posted, and BAM! 10,000 VIEWS! Alya loved to bask in compliments and fame, so she decided to look through the comments...

dolphinlover8726: ummm, this isnt true

ladybugxcatnoir: ladybug’s best friend? ha, as if

peterparkerfan_12: xd her lies are almost as bad as trump-

totally_ravenclaw: hold up, jagged stone never had a kitten...

miraculous_sunflower: this is false information. please take it down, ladyblogger

Many of the comments were like that, but who cares? Lila’s lies weren’t hurting anybody. Maybe I could wait until I got an internship. Then I could spin this whole story about how Lila was lying the whole time, and I, Alya Cesaire, aka the Ladyblogger, unveiled them! That would make me even more popular, Alya thought. Oh, she would get popular all right, just not in the same way... ______________________________________________________________________________________

“How was your day, Alya?” her mother asked. Alya, watching the news intently, was hoping for scoops of celebrity gossip.

“It was good,” she absently replied. Her eyes were glued to the screen as Nadja Chammack’s show had just appeared.

“Don’t be bemused! It’s just the News! This is Nadja Chammack on ‘Face to Face’. Let’s start off with our most recent story. The LadyBlog, which used to be a blog dedicated to the Heroes of Paris, has fallen. The Ladyblogger has been posting false claims about a girl, Lila Rossi, saying that she rescued Jagged Stone’s kitten, when he has never had one. Now, helping us clear the claim, joining us now is internationally-known rock star, Jagged Stone! Hello, Mr. Stone. “

“Hello, Nadja, and call me Jagged. Now, what’s about these stories I’ve been hearin’ about a girl saving my kitten?”

“Well, Jagged, it’s posted on the LadyBlog that this Lila Rossi has saved your kitten on an airplane turmar, as well as claiming that you’d written a song about her. Are any of these statements actually true?”

“Kitten?! Haha, that girl is a bad liar. I’ve never had a cat, only Fang ove’ here. And writing a song about her? That sounds weird. A 30-year old man writing a song for a 15-year old? I’ve only written a song for Ladybug, and that’s because of how awesome she is! ” Jagged responded.

“On the topic of Ladybug, Lila Rossi has also claimed that she is best friends with her. Any comments?” Nadja asked.

“There’s no way Ladybug would befriend someone like her! Whoever this Lila chick is, you’re a horrible liar, and the Ladyblogger has messed up a whole lot. Anyways, I got to go, love. Good-bye, all of my beloved fans!” Jagged waved dramatically.

“There you have it! The LadyBlog has indeed been posting false claims, and Lila Rossi is a liar! Next up on Face to Face, we have Mirelle Caquet joining us to talk about the hardships of being a weather girl! Stay tuned!” Nadja concluded. Alya went pale. _______________________________________________________________________

Alya went into class the next day, and sure enough, the class was eerily quiet. Lila looked like a ghost, her face as pale as a sheet. The whole class looked angry, sans Marinette and Adrien.

“Alya, you saw Face to Face yesterday, right?” Alix asked.

“She lied! Lila lied about everything!” Rose cried.

“Yeah, I did.” Alya replied calmly. She was going to explain the situation to her classmates, and of course they’d understand why she was doing this, and maybe they’d help her spin the story to make it seem like-

“WHY DIDN'T YOU FACTCHECK?” Alix yelled, clearly furious with the situation.

“Let me explain. Don’t get mad, but I knew Lila was lying,” Alix growled, and many other classmates gasped, “But hear me out. I only kept posting her lies on the LadyBlog because of the views. I knew if I wanted an internship, I’d have to do anything to start up my career. You guys understand right?” Alya obliviously said. “YOU’RE ALMOST AS BAD AS ADRIEN NOT KNOWING MARINETTE HAS A CRUSH ON HIM!” The class blurted out. Adrien looked shocked, and Marinette gasped and turned a shade of red that shouldn’t be possible.

“Whaaaa…” Alya was confused. What did she do?

“You could’ve warned us that they were lies, Alya!” Rose sniffled.

“You only thought about yourself, not us!” Mylene attacked.

“Guys, I was doing it to help my career! Also, it wasn’t like her lies were hurting anyone!” Alya retorted.

There was a period of silence, until a confident voice flowed through the classroom. “They hurt me,” Marinette said. She calmed down about the whole crush thing, but her face was still tinted with the slightest shade of pink.

“Lila threatened me the day she came back from her supposed trip. She said that she would take all my friends and make me lonely,” Marinette left out the part about Adrien, “And I guess she was right.” Marinette turned to a confused Lila. “Thank you, Lila. You’ve shown me that my friends don’t trust me. I now know who my real friends are.” She glanced at Adrien timidly, and was relieved when he sent a timid smile back. Long before Lila’s exposure on ‘Face to Face’, Adrien took back his “take the high road” advice as soon as he heard that Lila threatened Marinette. He tried to tell his classmates, but they’d never listen to him. He helped Marinette out as much as he could.

Marinette sat back down, but not in her usual seat. She went and sat next to Adrien, who looked at her, shocked for a second, then took her hand in his.

Everyone was shocked when they learned what Lila did to Marinette. Alya started, “Girl, I’m so sorry! If I’d known she -”

“It shouldn’t matter if you knew or not. You should’ve believed me, but you didn’t. Our friendship is broken. Permanently.” Marinette stated.

“WHAT?! WHY?!” Alya demanded.

Marinette sighed. Alya truly was oblivious to her actions. “First of all, you acted like you didn’t believe me, which hurt a lot. Second, you only acted like you believed her because you wanted views on your blog! You don’t get it, Alya! Your actions cost you consequences, and I’m not sure if you understand that.”

“Bu-but,” Alya tried to stutter out, but Adrien gave her a look that mimicked his father’s.

“Lila hurt us too. She gave us false promises. She told Kim that she knew Michael Phelps, and that she’d put a good word in for him. She told Nathaniel that she’d introduce him to that super famous manga artist in Japan.” Ivan pointed out.

The class understood Ivan’s point. Alya gasped. She never really thought about it that way. I mean, nothing hurt her!

“Marinette, we’re so sorry. We understand what our actions did to you, and we apologize. We understand that you’d want some space to yourself right now.” Alix said, and the rest of the class nodded.

Marinette smiled. “Thank you for understanding. While you’ve lost my trust in you, I’d like to build up our friendship again. Alya, on the other hand, I’d like to talk to you.”

The class smiled back, and sensing Alya’s anger, shuffled out of the classroom, with Adrien leading the way to leave the two girls alone to talk. Lila blinked, and also strolled out.

“C’mon, Mari! What did I do! You understand that I only pretended to believe her because of the views, right?!” Alya started out.

“Alya, you understand, do you? Lila hurt all of us. You made a bad decision not telling the class as soon as you found out, and now you’ve lost all their trust in you. You should have told me that you knew, and shouldn’t have been so selfish about your own career. I can’t forgive you for what you’ve done. And I don’t think I can ever build up our friendship again.” Marinette walked through the door frame.

“Goodbye, Alya.”

At that moment, Alya knew she messed up. She knew she lost the LadyBlog, and her reputation was damaged, but worst of all, she lost her best friend. She only did it for the views.

[isthisthingeven0n]

not so secret santa : j.w

with natalie’s help, jeff is your secret santa this year and proves to be the perfect opportunity to tell you how he feels (1.7k) 

all of my links 

requested: yes, by anon - thanks for the idea angel! warnings: none 

(everything on my blog is my own writing. if it is shared on another page or website know it hasn’t been approved me unless specified. all rights reserved. - i have to start doing this as I had some shit on my other blog with plagiarism)

DO NOT STEAL MY WORK - IT IS ALL MY OWN WRITING

“Come on, I’m not asking for much.” Jeff pleads as Natalie remains silent, scrolling through her phone. “Please, Nat.”

Glancing up from her phone, Natalie can’t ignore the puppy dog look Jeff is presenting. A heavy sigh leaves her lips as she lowers her phone. “You better have a good gift in mind, I’m not sacrificing my secret Santa just for you to fuck up.” Natalie states.

Smiling brightly, Jeff launches onto Natalie as he hugs her tightly. “Thanks, Natalie. I’ve got the perfect thing in mind.”

“I’ve got conditions to it though.” Natalie muffles through Jeff’s arms as he leans back, allowing Natalie to breathe. “You have to get her this,” Holding her phone up, Natalie watches as Jeff’s brows furrow together. “and, tell her how you feel. As I know I’m not the only one who can’t stand you tiptoeing around her anymore.”

“She’s got a point.” David chimes in as he wanders into the living room as Ilya files behind him, nodding in agreement.

“Oh come on, guys. It’s not that bad.” Jeff shrugs his shoulder, but the looks exchanged between his friends says otherwise.

“Dude, Scott was filming the other day and recorded you looking at Y/n in awe as she worked out.” Ilya comments and Jeff knows there isn’t any point denying it, he just can’t help himself when you’re around.

“She’s got a good body and strength.” Jeff comments confidently. “Besides, Y/n doesn’t see me that way, she has said plenty of times how much I mean to her as a friend.” Jeff reminds the others as his heart sinks back in his chest, remembering just last week when he went over to yours.

“What was so urgent?” Jeff asks with wide eyes as he pants lightly whilst you stand in your doorway, wearing your pyjamas as you rub your tired eyes.

“Oh, sorry,” You laugh innocently. “I didn’t mean to scare you, Jeff. I just, I needed help making Christmas cookies.”

Resting his hand against your door frame, Jeff exhales deeply. “You texted me, stating you had an emergency at 10pm, just to make Christmas cookies?”

Nodding in response, you hold your door open further. “So is that a yes you’ll help?” Your smile starts to grow as Jeff steps into your apartment, rolling the sleeves of his hoodie up.

“Where do you wanna start?” He asks, admitting defeat as you happily clap behind him, a spring in your step as you follow him into your kitchen.

“Thank you, thank you, Jeff! You’re the best, my Mom will adore these knowing they’re from her favourite of my friends.” You comment, missing the way Jeff’s smile drops for a second before standing beside him in the kitchen as you gather the ingredients, prepping your kitchen knowing the mess that is about to follow.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Taylor sings as all eyes turn to her. “I’m just saying.” Taylor holds her hands up as Ella nods in agreement.

“It’s not too late to back down from being her secret Santa, Jeff.” Natalie nudges him, but Jeff shakes his head.

“I’m not backing down and like I said, I’ve got the perfect gift.”

*

“So we’re actually organised this time?” You ask, looking around at everyone sat in David’s living room whilst David sits beside one of the many Christmas trees in his house.

Across the room, Jeff tries to remain composed as Natalie sends him a reassuring smile, knowing two of those gifts under the tree have your name on it and a confession to follow.

“For the first time, it seems so.” David chuckles as he rubs his hands together, scanning over the various presents underneath the tree. “So, how do you guys wanna do this?”

Scott rises to his feet, adorning his Santa hat as he remains dressed as Mrs Claus from recording his music video earlier today. “I’ll hand them out.” He suggests and everyone agrees.

Jeff watches as Scott hands out presents to everyone, the joy radiating in the room as Christmas songs play faintly in the background.

“And this one is for Y/n.” Scott walks over to you, handing you the soft present wrapped neatly with a ribbon and perfectly tied bow on top.

“Wow, who paid for gift wrap?” You chuckle, looking around at everyone as they remain silent, no one admitting who their secret Santa was just yet.

Watching in earnest, Jeff is distracted as he’s handed his present, quickly catching your smile as you look away from him.

“Okay, go ahead and unwrap your gifts.” David states as the sound of paper tearing fills the room and excited responses follow suit.

Yet, Jeff puts his gift to one side as he focuses on you unwrapping yours.

Ripping the paper off, you pause as you look at the gift on your lap. “What’d you get, Y/n?” Natalie asks you, a bright smile on her lips as you remain quiet.

Feeling his heart rest in his throat, Jeff takes a deep breath as you lift the hoodie out from the paper. “I, this is just,” Struggling to form words, you look around at everyone before your eyes land on Jeff. You silently mouth a thank you as tears fill your eyes.

No words are exchanged between you both as everyone continues to film for their channels and social media, slowly filing out of the room until it’s just you and Jeff sat in silence.

“I thought you might like it.” Jeff speaks up as he rests his arms on his thighs, trying to suppress his leg from shaking as you hold the hoodie in your hands, your fingers running across the fabric.

Lifting your head up, Jeff’s heart melts as tears fall from your eyes. “You did this, for me?” Your voice remains soft as Jeff nods. “But why?” Curiosity encroaches in your tone as you wipe your eyes, Jeff taking the chance to sit down beside you.

“Well, I remember that time your Mom came to visit you.” Jeff starts, remembering the day clearly despite it being months ago.

“Oh honey, I brought you something!” Your Mom exclaims as she reaches into her bag whilst Jeff busies himself in your kitchen, having come over to help you film as he knew your Mom was visiting.

“Mom, I told you I don’t need anything.” You roll your eyes playfully, just as Jeff walks into the room with three mugs.

“Thank you, dear, you’re a true gentleman.” Your Mom gushes to Jeff as he chuckles, shaking his head before sitting down in your armchair. “It’s in here somewhere,” Your Mom mutters under her breath before grabbing something and lifting it out.

“Mom, why did you bring that?” You ask, trying to conceal the fact you were beginning to get hot from embarrassment whilst Jeff watched curiously.

Holding your old teddy up, your Mom raises an eyebrow to you. “Honey, you loved this teddy, you brought it everywhere! Honestly, Jeff, she could never sleep without it!” A laugh is shared between Jeff and your Mom whilst you internally groan.

“I’m an adult Mom, I don’t need my teddy bear.” You sigh, but the sight of the ratty teddy bear does warm your heart. “But, since you brought it all this way, I guess I’ll keep it.” You reach out, taking the teddy in your hands as you keep it on your lap, the sight something Jeff hopes he’ll never forget.

“But, how?” A laugh escapes your lips as you run your index finger across the embroidery sitting on the left breast of the hoodie, an exact replica of your teddy bear down to the bowtie around its neck.

Jeff shrugs a shoulder in response. “I have connections.” He states. “And since you always steal my hoodies, I thought I’d give you one to keep and make it personal to you.” He adds, watching as you slip it on.

The sleeves hang over your hands, it clearly doesn’t fit but your smile grows. You loved Jeff’s hoodies as they felt like a warm hug from him, enveloped in his aftershave even if he wasn’t there with you.

“I just, this is the most thoughtful present anyone has ever gotten me, Jeff.” You admit as Jeff rests his hand on your cheek, wiping away the stray tears that fall as you sniff quietly.

“There’s erm, something else I got for you too.” Jeff mutters as you focus on his eyes as your hand rests on his thigh, the distance between you both minimising.

“Okay?” You chuckle under your breath.

“You have to close your eyes first if that’s alright with you.” Jeff asks as you nod, complying as you close your eyes.

Taking a steady breath, Jeff closes his eyes and leans in until his lips are on yours. It takes a moment for you to respond, and once you do, the kiss deepens as you lift your arms up, wrapping them around his neck as you lean back on the sofa, Jeff leaning over you.

Pulling away, you rest your forehead against Jeffs. “Was that the present or something you just felt like doing?” You question, rubbing your lips together as Jeff smirks.

“A bit of both.” He admits. “But I like you, Y/n, a lot. And if you’ll let me, I’d love to take you out sometime.”

“I thought you’d never ask, Jeff.” You breathe out, kissing Jeff softly as the sound of applause interrupts your moment.

Breaking apart, you look up to see all your friends stood with their phones and cameras.

"It's a Christmas miracle!” Natalie yells as Todd stands behind her, his arms around her waist. “There’s still one more present, and now I think you might actually have a use for it.” She motions to the small gift on the sofa, and Jeff reaches over for it.

Passing it to you, you unwrap it and bury your face in the sleeves of Jeff’s hoodie.

“Stay safe you guys.” David laughs whilst Natalie winks to you.

“I’m sure we’ll put them to good use.” Jeff mutters into your ear as you look up to him, quirking a brow before kissing him once more.

“Just you wait, Wittek.” You giggle. “Just you wait.”

[im-going-to-cryo-bust]

heyy,may i request with diluc and kaeya, s/o who gets hurt but like doesn't tell them till someone slips it up.Thank you!!

Diluc and Kaeya on: fem!s/o getting hurt

WARNING: angst/hurt with comfort

You end up in the hospital after a series of rookie mistakes. It's not your first time, so you reassure your teammates and plead them to keep quiet about it. It only takes a few weeks or only one day, considering that elemental healing will speed up the process. All you have to do is lie down and pray that no one spills the beans until things are better or confirmed...

Kaeya is in the center of Mondstadt so it’s impossible to avoid him, he did suspect that your mission is going on longer than usual

Ah, but what was the point of secrecy? Kaeya is too good at sweet talking that he found out in an hour - majority of that hour spent hunting down your party members.

He'll most likely "accidentally" stumble into your party members and bait them to a willing, subtle interrogation

He'll tease out little hints and piece everything together without even needing a direct answer

If you had a minor injury

He would take some time on the way to buy you a snack or gift to make you feel better. He spends a little longer more than he would like, cursing a bit and choosing one of the three presents he thought you might like. You hear rhythmic knocks on your door and the door swings open, Kaeya dramatically walking in with a smug smirk on his face. "How are you doing?"

You roll your eyes as Kaeya saunters in, sitting next to you and holding a gift in his hands. He laughs, but he looks nervous. His leg shakes erratically despite him pushing down on it, knuckles white. Then you remember the way his eyes flickering around the room, averted by his vexing smirk. Before you can talk about it, he interrupts with a distraction, the gift. He observes you with a smile as you brighten up at the sight of it, feeling a lot more better at the sight of you. 

Kaeya continues to distract you with teases that get you all riled up (adorable and hilarious in his opinion) and discussing the nervous nature of your encountered party member. You take the opportunity to retort about his nervousness. He looks stunned for a second, but he chuckles, “I knew I couldn’t get anything past you..” He hesitates. “I was worried when your friends looked so anxious, I was preparing myself for...” ‘The worst.’ Kaeya leaves it as it is, bitter smile in the pensive atmosphere. You clutch his hand tighter and Kaeya lightens up, reciprocating and knitting your hands together.

“When they said it was minor and you would recover soon, it was like a boulder was lifted off my chest.” He pats your head, his touch lingering longer and his gaze fond. “I’m glad, glad that you’re okay.”

If you had a major injury

"What?" His charming smile disappears, words slipping through a frown of gritted teeth, daring (even hopeful) for the person to say it's a joke. The answer doesn't matter, he can tell from their expression. He only allows a flash of pure terror to be seen by them, pushing through the crowds of people to reach the hospital.

When he bursts into the room to see you, his eyes fixated on yours. He freezes at the door, processing everything now while you are there, alive, in front of him. He refuses the voice in his head feeding into his fears, making him scared to come closer for a confirmation. He might have to face it: a loss and an emptiness.

But then you weakly smile and reach out for him; and he can finally breathe again. He is so urgent that he stumbles to get there, to give you comfort. Finally, when he sits next to you, you can see closer the joy but weariness in his expression. He has a smile unlike Kaeya, ridden with anxieties and unable to fool even a domestic dog. He pecks your hand and sandwiches it between his, familiar warmth wrapping around your hand. You start to fall asleep, exhausted by the events of today, and Kaeya overlooks worryingly. These injuries happen all the time, it's part of the job, but it doesn't make it any better to see - especially when it involves you. He swears and curses under his breath, not wanting to wake you up. 'It's best for her to get some rest', he tries to assure himself from his concerns, but he can't stop his stupid leg from shaking. He hangs his head, still clutching your hand, and he allows a few tears to fall despite himself. He closes his eyes and focuses on the touch of you, calming down and slowing down his breaths knowing that you are here, alive and well, next to him.

When you wake up, Kaeya's head lies uncomfortably asleep with a disturbed expression on his face. Your hand is intertwined with his while you both were sleeping, seeking that familiar heat that made you feel ever better. He mumbles in his sleep, his grip tightening on your hand as often as his eyebrows furrow. Your touch soothes him, the tension and wrinkles on his face vanishes when you lovingly stroke his hair or gently caress his cheek. As long as he can feel your warmth, he can sleep much better.

He would either find it through his acquaintance in Mondstadt’s hospital or be told at the winery. 

It’s not pleasant either way, especially since there would be a period of unsettling silence after the metaphorical beans have been spilt

His interrogating is less subtle than Kaeya, very straight forward and to the point so he can get to where you are faster with preparation

Diluc uses the classic, intimidation method that is amplified by his resolve to see you and assure himself that you are safe

If you had a minor injury

You hear soft knocks on your door and a tentative voice asking from your lover, giving you a forewarning before he comes in. He doesn’t waste a second to be by your side, assessing your injury in closer detail then lightly scolding you out of the worry. It might take 2-6 minutes just for him to calm down and get it all out. Diluc is sensitive to your injuries, fearing the worst when anything happens, and he finds it childish; always trying to hide it with his lectures. This grumpy façade falls quickly, like always, after reassurance from you and inspecting your wellbeing with his own eyes. 

Diluc sighs, "...but it's a minor injury, and you’re Y/n L/n.” He smiles assuredly and it encourages you because of how confident he is of you.

He’ll cling to you, self-aware of his behaviour and evidently embarrassed about it, but does it nonetheless with pink cheeks. You pretend not to see when he hesitantly leans on you or when his hand lingers on yours while you both chat about everything else. Soon you’ll find him pecking your cheek or kissing you more than usual

“It’s to make you feel better.” He mumbles going in for another after you tease him about it. Kisses are one of the things he uses to be expressive for his love for you, so he becomes generous when you get hurt like this and gets more affectionate to hopefully “love” the pain away.

If you had a major injury

Diluc is shell shocked; colour draining from his face in favour of raw fear. He is reminded of the dreadful past and it toys with his heart, stringing it along to his vulnerability of you. He fails to fully grasp his thoughts but his legs move on their own to see you, to feel you and to know for sure that you're okay. He pushes and shoves through people in his way, silent to anyone that approaches. He finds it hard to breathe, maybe it's how he ran to the hospital or the tight cinching in his chest.

When he enters your room, he'll take in your form and process the injuries you've sustained. He looks more horrified and panicked the longer he looks. He beats himself over it and swallowing the growing shame in his throat. ‘How could I have let this happen?’ Past buried memories come alive and it gets harder for him to stay grounded. These things don’t go away easily, he knows from experience, and he’s afraid of the unknown future and of what will happen next. What if you don’t recover and... Bad thoughts choke him up and he wallows deeper into it.

But then you smile, like nothing is wrong; even though that small action took so much energy and you end up wincing in pain. Diluc looks heartbroken.

No moment is spared when he is next to you, he'll even fall on his knees and just, cry. It's like all this tension in his chest is released at once. It's scary, worrying even, and you start to wonder who's supposed to worry over who. You stroke his hair and mumble comforting words, his sobbing dissolves into embarrassed sniffles. He remarks on it, but you reassure him that it's endearing.

You both might fall asleep like that; your hand on his nest of hair and his head on the hospital bed. There are some times you wake up and see Diluc awake in cold sweats, tightly gripping on the covers of your bed, pale as a ghost in the night. He tells you to go back to sleep and rest, but you wait until he does. He guilty stares at you as you stay up, half-awake at 2am, about how it’s fine and how it’s going to be okay. He shakes his head and looks pitifully at you, flinching at your injuries - more effected than you are. It makes you upset and a little frustrated, so you sigh and reach out to him. He leans close and you kiss him on the forehead, expressing a passionate-believe me glare. Then he remembers that he trusts you, you are the Y/n he loves. He smiles gratefully, and when you wake up in the morning he is still snoring asleep. 

🌼💫 Hello, sorry for the inactivity, it’s just that I got quite stuck. But now it’s over and this is the result :) This is a very very long post, so I had to put a “keep reading” or else people uninterested would have to keep scrolling for 5 minutes. A reminder is that this is what I hc Diluc and Kaeya to act, it’s not definite and it’s fine if you disagree because this is imaginary and based on subjective perceptions. If you do enjoy these hcs, do check out my blog for more and tell me if you do!

[petri808]

Nalu Yakuza Au *cover art by @jmoart214 💜

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The tit for tat game was well known to both of their top confidants and lieutenants because it had been going on ever since Natsu and Lucy broke up. Plus, it was hard to get around such knowledge considering most of them came from the same neighborhoods. These intrigues ebbed and flowed like waves. Months could pass by without any interactions between the two, at other times they’d go back and forth continuously until one of them finally gave up, and on the odd occasion ended in a huge fight that led to another round of ignoring each other. Up until now, it had been kind of amusing to watch them torture each other because it was better than a drama shows on television. But that didn’t mean Natsu, and Lucy’s friends didn’t worry about one or both being truly hurt one day because of it.

“It’s fine,” Natsu rolled his eyes as Gray chastised him after the soapland incident. The two men were at Natsu’s home after work hours and supposed to be relaxing. But clearly his friend didn’t want to drop the subject. “What’s the big deal?”

“Dude, you let yourself be blindfolded in a public space! Have you forgotten what kind of business we’re in? What if it had been an assassin instead?”

“Oh, that’s just ridiculous. We’re talking about Lucy’s company, and I trust their security measures because she has just as much to lose if a hit took place there.”

“Still, you should be more careful, at least take a bodyguard with you…”

Natsu’s eyebrow twitched in irritation. “And what, so they can watch the show? We got any voyeurs on the payroll? Cause I can’t think of anyone here who’d wanna see another guy getting his balls fondled!”

Gray ran a hand down his face. “So not the mental image I wanted. You’re missing the point.” He sighed. “Natsu you are the head of this clan, and your safety is my top priority.”

“I get it, I get it,” Natsu drawled.

“And frankly,” Gray continued, “you’ve become distracted by her lately.”

“Tch! No, I haven’t!”

“Yeah, you are. You think I haven’t noticed? I know you drive by her place sometimes. I know you’ve followed her to that coffee shop she likes to frequent. But ever since her employee was robbed, things have escalated again.”

“You’re imagining things and apparently spying on me. I’m just keeping an eye on the competition.”

“Watching over you is my job! That’s not spying.” Gray crossed his arms. “And oh, it’s no doubt that you’re keeping an eye on her. That’s why you went to Katsunuma’s party and to soapland too. The problem is you’re getting sloppy and sloppy gets people killed.”

Natsu groaned. “Are you done yet? We’re supposed to be enjoying the baseball game, not psychoanalyzing my life.”

“Almost.” Gray placed a hand on his friends’ knee and leaned in. “Natsu, you’ve been chasing that tail since high school, just lock her down and convince her to work together already.”

Natsu snorted a laugh. “Gray we all grew up together, so what in all these years makes you think that’s a possibility? You know damn well Lucy’s not a woman you can control without her consent.” Natsu knew that, and frankly he loved that part of her. In fact, it made him even more fired up whenever he thought about it, just like a treasure you don’t just find but must win at the end of a game. “I’ll find a way, some day.”

“Well until that day arrives, could you promise me you’ll be more cautious?”

“Fine, fine,” Natsu waved his hand. “I’ll back off of Lucy for now.”

“Good.” Gray relaxed back onto his recliner thinking the drama was over.

“However, there is a new guy I want surveillance placed on.”

“Who?”

“The bartender from the party.”

Gray groaned. “Seriously? Why? He’s just a bartender!”

“I don’t trust him.”

“Was he spiking the drinks or something? Dealing drugs at the party?”

“Maybe.”

Gray huffed. “You really gonna try that? Do I look like an idiot? This is just straight jealousy talking.”

“I don’t care! I want someone to dig up what they can on the guy!”

“No, what you wanna know is if he fucked Lucy that night!”

Natsu jumped up with his fists clenched. “Fuck you!”

“Fuck you too!” Gray stood up and matched his boss’s energy. “Unless you give me a damn good reason to check into him, I’m not wasting my guy’s time! You might be the boss, but don’t you fucking forget who you’re talking to! I’m not some punk off the streets!”

Realizing he was taking things too far, Natsu sat back down. “Sorry.”

Gray sighed and plopped back down too. “I only joined because you asked me to and you’re my best friend, then I helped you build this new empire, so I’m just as invested in protecting it as you are. But Natsu, personal emotions have led to the downfall of many in this business, and as a friend, I’ll check you any time I think you’re going to far.”

“You’re right…” Natsu sighed too. “She just gets me so worked up.”

“Don’t I know it,” Gray laughed, but stopped when Natsu glared at him. “Sorry, it slipped out.”

“But I swear, there’s something suspicious about him. When he saw me, I thought he just reacted because he thought I was Lucy’s boyfriend or something, but the more I think about it, he might have recognized me.”

“Well, that wouldn’t necessarily be suspicious either.”

“True. But the look in his eyes just made me wonder.”

“Alright…” Gray groaned, “if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll have someone do some digging. So, you said he has orange hair and glasses, and the name on his tag was Loke?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s an unusual name, shouldn’t be too hard to check on.”

Over the course of a couple of weeks, Gray sent out feelers for any information on this Loke guy. Katsunuma junior gave them their first small lead that the bartender had worked the party through a local food catering company. That catering company was a legitimate business who had both full-time staff as well as independent contractors brought in per event as needed. Loke had been one of the latter. From there Gray obtained a last name, de Lioncourt.

According to his sources at the local precinct, Loke de Lioncourt had no rap sheet, no prior dealings with police, and for all they knew was an average citizen. The man’s Line blog profile listed him as a 28-year-old, Japanese/French American, model and bartender, and it was filled with pictures from events, parties, as well as many gorgeous women— none of which contained Lucy. But as Gray trolled through the man’s feed, he did come across one person he recognized and passed the information along to Natsu.

“Wow, she’s in a bunch of photos,” Natsu mumbled as he scrolled through the blog.

“Well, considering Cana’s reputation are you surprised. Parties and alcohol are the two things that woman lives for.” Gray laughed. “Now see, this makes sense to me. Lucy and him, not so much.”

“Tch… still pisses me off he even tried.”

“Lucy’s a free woman, she can go out with whoever she wants to.”

“We’ll see about that,” Natsu mumbled low.

“What was that?” Gray asked with a raised brow.

“Nothing.”

“Better be nothing, cause this is a dead end. He’s just a flirty bartender. It’s how they make tips.”

“Yeah, yeah, fine.” Natsu sat back in his chair. “So, back to business. What this I heard about some missing stock?”

“Oh, right. One of the warehouse clerks noticed a shortage, but when I checked with Yura, he said the books were fine. I had him show it to me, and it appears the numbers were just inverted by accident. So, instead of 185 kilos, it’s supposed to be 158 kilos.”

“Did you talk to the clerk again? Does he have any history of messing up like this?”

“Nah, he’s one of our better clerks.”

“Just keep an eye on it.”

“Sure thing, boss. By the way, have you seen Gajeel today?” Gray questioned. “I haven’t seen him.”

“He called me this morning said he wasn’t feeling well, thinks he ate something bad for dinner last night.”

“Tch, seriously? Thought he had an iron stomach?”

Natsu shrugged. “Must’a been some bad sushi or something. We ain’t got much happening today, so it’s fine. Anything else? I got some stuff I need to finish.”

Gray tapped his chin. “Just a reminder you have an appointment with our tech guy dropping by later this week to go over some upgrades on the system.”

“Like I’m supposed to know anything about that stuff, it’s what I pay him for.”

“You still gotta approve it,” Gray shrugged and took his leave.

Once the man was completely out of the office, Natsu opened a drawer in his desk and pulled out a nondescript box he’d hidden inside. He grinned to himself. It was time to make another special delivery. Even though he’d told Gray he was backing off the whole Lucy and Loke subject, there was no way he was gonna let it slide. Natsu didn’t care if the man seemed legit, and he wasn’t the first nor would probably be the last that he’d eventually scared away. And besides, being a Yakuza boss had a lot of down times too, easily filled with having a little fun.

Today’s little care package was being sent to Lucy by a courier service and Natsu just had to drop it off to the delivery company. Just a normal company like Kuroneko Yamato so it wouldn’t rouse too many suspicions. It was turning into a fun game for him just coming up with ideas of what he could do to rile Lucy up or irritate this Loke guy. Natsu chuckled to himself. So far, his favorite prank was a box of small sized condoms and a bottle of enhancement pills that he’d had delivered to Loke while on the job at another party. He’d even snuck in to watch it delivered, gaining a good laugh when the man took a peek in the box and frowned at its contents.

It was childish, but Natsu didn’t care. Every day for two weeks now, something new was sent to Loke. Random gifts like children’s candy to a toy gun, a big bottle of lubricant wrapped in a bow, a week’s worth of meals sent for lunch one day, even an empty box with rocks inside it just to drive the man crazy wondering who in the world was sending them. Lucy too wasn’t immune to his pranks, though hers had a different feel to them. Flowers with no note attached. Tickets to a canceled show he made up. A supposed dinner invite from Loke that wasn’t real— okay that was to test her, but she didn’t fall for it. And today’s little care package fit right into his prank scheme.

Natsu dropped off the package at a Kuroneko Yamato office with the address instructions already filled out and paid the company’s employee extra to keep their mouths shut. ‘She’s gonna kill me one day,’ he laughed to himself as he rode back to his office. ‘If it’s suffocation by her boobs it wouldn’t be a bad way to go!’

“Anymore stops sir?” The driver asked Natsu.

“Nope. Back to the office.”

He looked at his watch. The package should be arriving at Lucy’s office within the hour. Give or take another to open it, and by 4pm he would be receiving another phone call. Maybe he won’t answer it. Oh, that would piss her off even more! ‘Well, if she’d just take the hint...’

The afternoon was supposed to be mellow at headquarters that day. No shipments, and no appointments. But when Natsu got back, another general in the organization named Jellal Fernandez came to his office to inform him of a problem. One of the new local restaurants in their territory was refusing to cooperate and he wanted to know how Natsu wanted it handled. They were right in the middle of discussing it, when Natsu’s office door flew open with a loud bang!

In stomped Lucy who immediately threw a box at his head, causing Natsu to duck and Jellal to pull his gun.

“Don’t!” Natsu screamed at his general and motioned for him to stand down, to which the man complied. “Do you have a death wish Lucy!”

“Get. Out.” She snapped at the general. “Get out! This is between me and your boss!”

Jellal looked to Natsu, who nodded his head to scram. “I got this, don’t worry.” The man holstered his gun and left, but Natsu could see he’d stayed right outside of the now closed door.

“I take it you didn’t like the gift,” Natsu pretended to stay calm.

“Gee, me throwing it at you give you that impression? I know it’s you sending all these damn deliveries to me and Loke. That needs to stop now!”

He crossed his arms and scoffed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Play dumb all you want. Just stop! Why are you even doing this?!”

“Take a guess,” he sneered back.

“I could’ve sworn we were adults now, but apparently I’m the only one who grew up. Stay out of my love life Natsu!”

“So, you admit you’re sleeping with the guy!”

“That’s none of your damn business! I can fuck whoever I want!”

“Not as long as I’m alive,” Natsu growled back.

Lucy crossed her arms. “That could be arranged.”

“Is that a threat?!”

“Yes! If you don’t stay out of my love life!”

“A woman shouldn’t be sleepi—”

“Don’t you finish that sentence!” Lucy grabbed a stapler that was within reach and chucked it at Natsu’s head. “Stop trying to control me!”

“Are you crazy?!”

At that moment, Gray barged into the room. He’d heard the screaming from the other side of the office, and when he got close enough to see Jellal standing outside the door, he became alarmed. Why would a general leave Natsu vulnerable! The man told him their boss told him to leave, but as the sounds inside escalated, Gray couldn’t wait anymore.

“Stop it!!” Gray got between them. “What are you two doing! Lucy you shouldn’t be here!”

“Then tell your damn boss to leave me the fuck alone!” Lucy spat back. “Ask him how he’s been harassing Loke and me!”

Gray turned to his boss with a groan. “Natsu, we talked about this!”

“Tell Gray what you been doing!” Lucy pressed. “Show him the stupid packages you send!”

“What packages?” Gray looked to Lucy, then repeated the question as he stared at his boss. “What packages?”

“Tch,” Natsu crossed his arms, “it’s not even that bad.”

Lucy stomped over to where the box fell and picked it up, pulling the contents out. “Bullshit!” She snapped as she held up a very racy, red nightie with flame prints, a pair of fluffy handcuffs, and a large dildo. “See this shit?!” Lucy shook the floppy latex toy at Gray before chucking it to the ground again. “He includes messages too,” then handed the man a folded piece of paper.

Gray read it aloud, “to make up for what playboy lacks. Had it custom made to my size wink wink. Ugh, seriously man,” he tossed the letter.

Natsu shrugged. “I was just having fun.”

“This is the yakuza, not a daycare!” Gray snaps. “I’m not here to babysit the boss so he stops harassing the competition! There’s more important business to worry about!”

“That’s right listen to Gray,” Lucy sneered.

Gray turned to her. “Oh, you ain’t innocent either, so don’t even try it. You both do things to purposely rile the other up and get mad when there’s consequences. Stop it!” He looked back and forth between the two. “Just stop it already!”

Natsu and Lucy looked away from the man with scowls on their faces. Neither wanted to admit he was right.

“Jellal,” Gray called out. When the man entered, he instructed him to escort Lucy out of there. “Next time, just call me instead. It’s best you two just stay away from each other. Got it?!”

“Yeah,” Lucy grumped.

“Got it?!” Gray questioned his boss.

“Yeah,” Natsu mumbled.

“Fucking like high school,” Gray ran a hand down his face in irritation. “You two need therapy.”

[arcadialedger]

Please note that I am most likely leaving this platform. I am done being abused. But first? We need to have a discussion. A discussion about hate and bullying in fandom.

All online-- I encourage you to read my story below. Reblog and spread awareness. The Dragon Prince fandom especially -- I implore you read my words, every single one of them. The short of it is that I am done. 

This all began with losing and being blocked by a friend because I shared something they disagreed with. I don’t care what you feel about my initial reaction to this (which I’ll explain below) -- I’ve apologized for not handling the situation correctly. But I will not be shamed for speaking my mind and standing up for myself.

Because no human being deserves to go through what I have endured since last summer.

Following the “callout” post made about me by one of, if not the largest blogs in this fandom, I received hundreds of threats, harassment messages, and death threats. Messages and posts telling me to kill myself were also prominent, on a multiple times a week basis for awhile.

Messages from people who were well aware I have struggled with being suicidal. Due to one of their favorite Dragon Prince blogs speaking out against me, they thought it was okay to suicide bait me.

And it worked. I already struggle with hating myself, am already insecure, and being flooded with these comments which, while I made mistakes, did nothing to deserve, drove me to try and take my own life after years of progress in my mental health.  

Mind you, this is like a 200 follower to 4k follower power dynamic. Which yes, plays a role-- because when you have a large following and influence, you have power. Yet the person behind this had the gall to claim Tumblr clout isn’t real.

People blocking and condemning others instantly at your word? Is power. If people read your words and are influenced, or have their minds changed, or buy or don’t buy something, etc.-- you are an influencer. You have power. And when you’re one of the largest blogs in a fandom, you have a LOT of power.

So take responsibility. 

I was hurt because I lost a friend who I had chatted with for months, did a podcast with, and was generally not only one of my favorite blogs but the center of my experience in the Dragon Prince. I may not have been perfect in my words, but when I was asked why I was quiet/ inactive, I explained how I was hurting, anonymously. I was understandably in pain and upset. I had been cut off for just having a different opinion on a matter, for thinking differently. Even though it was within their rights to block and do so, it felt wrong and it weighed on me.

Is that such a crime?

The callout post and previously described abuse followed, lasting for months until later in the year (this began in June, or around then). It also included screenshots of tweets, when this user does not have Tumblr, and they have stated to have screenshots stored up on their computer of my various posts and interactions. This is creepy behavior, and freaked me out. I felt like I was being stalked, “evidence” being filed away for the very purpose of being used against me. 

I eventually talked things out with the blog per recommendation of my therapist, and thought all would be fine. For a little while, it was. I largely stayed off of Tumblr to heal. Once in awhile I would have a rough, tearful night because something reminded me of what I lost, but I would make it through. Overall, I was making progress.

Then? My Twitter got hacked by one of the people sending me hate. For what had turned out to be much. And after they tweeted some purposefully incriminating and bigoted things to make me look bad, I came home from a weekend in the mountains to a shitstorm.

Twitter has a love hate relationship for me and I barely opened the app unless actively chatting with a friend. So when I saw 700+ notifications, I was surprised. It had never happened before.

I began to scroll through, and when I saw what had happened, I ran to the bathroom and threw up.

I had lost over half of my followers and a solid 60% of previous Twitter mutuals had blocked me. But worst of all, I had hundreds of hate tweets directed at me replying to the hackers tweets. Messages had been sent in DMs and accounts blocked, followed, and unfollowed as well.

If you have never felt that loss of agency-- that sickening feeling of words you never said next to your profile-- be glad. Because it is traumatic. I value my words. I value what I have to say. And having that taken from me was worse than anything I had been through here on Tumblr, outside of the suicide baiting (the most direct attack to me and my emotions/ insecurities throughout this entire ordeal). Further, this hacker had clearly stalked my tweets based on some of their comments. 

Hundreds of tweets bashing me, calling me aphobic slurs (knowing I am asexual mind you, as it was in my bio), making fun of my appearance and targeting all of the insecurities which lead to my first suicide attempt in high school, and taking/ editing images of my face and mocking them. This all culminated in a doxing threat-- a doxing threat which made me feel unsafe on a campus I had already been sexually assaulted on. I was once again, after starting the healing process, thrusted back into the darkest time of my life and spiraled into anxiety and depression. I cried a lot overwhelmed by it all, had difficulty sleeping, and felt sick. I started fall semester and couldn’t concentrate on school. I was a mess.

I had once again been condemned, this time for something I had no part in. I tried to example what happened but nobody listened. I had been hung without trial. People were understandably confused, and my entire reputation on the platform, and my page, became a mess of lies, misunderstandings, and more.

If you don’t know the feeling of already hating yourself and being insecure, and having these beliefs reinforced and spread by hundreds publicly across the internet? Of already feeling lonely and unwanted and having the one space you thought you had taken from you? Consider yourself lucky. 

I had a lot of voice actors and creators following me-- accounts I interacted and greatly cherished my mutual with. A handful of them unfollowed, understandably. This online hate mob was sending messages to people demanding they unfollow me, including some of these creators. They had no idea what to make of this mess or what was real and true and just didn’t want to deal with it. Most of the others just stopped interacting with me. @aaronwaltke (tagging so those who don’t follow already click and do so, because he is absolutely fantastic-- he’s a writer for ToA)  who had followed me on the platform, graciously wished me peace with the entire situation after I checked to make sure he had not been subjected to messages or hate, either from my hacker or other accounts. His was the greatest compassion I got on Twitter, before I ultimately ended up just having to delete.

I lost podcast deals because of this with Adrian Petriw, Aaron Ehasz, and Justin Richmond. I do not blame them one bit and would have done the same in the confusion not wanting to get dragged into anything. 

Only to have one of the friends I lost who helped start this interview these very people on their own podcasts. A slap in the face. A zine I had bought to support them came to my door, with the front page proclaiming to “spread a narrative of love.”

I was never granted that chance. That compassion. I had the vultures sent after me with no mercy. And anyone who has been through online abuse and systemic harassment knows just how much it feels like they’re slowly but surely picking at your flesh ( a metaphor I used in one of my old, since deleted posts discussing the situation, and still find accurate), wearing you down until you have no strength left.

Make no mistake, my story is not a one off situation. Many share the same tale of abuse and being driven off of platforms that once gave them great joy. These attacks are coordinated, systemic, and common hobby for these people-- who largely claim to be loving and accepting of all. They are a cyberbullying phenomenon which has risen with the presence of fandom on the internet. And I want to make clear, with current discussions of “cancel culture”, I mean nothing political in that statement. Some might call my experience cancel culture, but I don’t.

It’s just bullying. It’s just hate. These people get off on ruining people’s lives.

And my life was greatly set back and ruined. I had a stain on my past in fandom I could never be rid of. I had to shut down my podcast, took time off of all social media, and most of what I had built, most of my growth, was taken from me while those who incited and/ or spread hate thrived and continued to grow and find success. That was the greatest sting of all. 

I asked the one previous friend who hadn’t blocked me, but had just stopped interacting with me (which I understood and respected, and also greatly respected her perspective, help, and support though this situation in which she largely unfortunately ended up in the middle) for help after explaining everything, and got nothing. They didn’t seem to care, and just blocked me on all platforms. Once in awhile, I would find I was cut off from yet another old friend, or a blog that I had never interacted with before but clicked into, interested. It hurt being cut off, unable to fully interact with the fandom, but I could move on.

That pain would never go away, but I made clear I did not blame them for the actions of those who abused, harassed, and threatened me. I also made it clear they did not owe me anything, including unblocking. 

I just wanted to move on peacefully, but those with the power to enable that did not wish to help. I slowly, when I felt ready, began to be more active on Tumblr again, and once again the hate started up. 

Sometimes when I was hurting, I expressed my pain and loss to my followers just to reach out, because I was sad. I had no idea how to rebuild from all that had happened. This got me more hate an accusations of emotional manipulation and gaslighting. I had no idea what to do, and got trapped in a cycle of needing to talk about it, and getting hate and backlash, but not knowing where else I could turn. 

My doxer came back into my asks, ultimately making me switch schools, and refueled the drama. Speaking up about this got me more backlash-- mostly accounts reblogging (one with tags saying “fuck you”, despite not knowing the full story, and commenting and then blocking me so I could do nothing to respond or get it off of my page. I deleted all posts of the matter, as requested by these people (who validly pointed out they were in the main fandom tags, which I hadn’t thought of and understood), and hoped to move on.

But it hasn’t stopped. I have been beaten down and emotionally bruised for months. I have had my life and safety threatened, my education and by extension life path altered, and lost work (podcast) opportunities due to this-- alongside the irreversible emotional damage from trauma and abuse. My mental health issues and insecurities-- which I have been very open about to destigmatize the subjects and encourage conversation-- were actively targeted to inflict the most pain possible. 

And I can’t even talk about it, without enduring more hate and accusations of “playing the victim”.

Death threats, suicide baiting, doxing, months of bullying and harassment to the most vile degree, which a lot of these people don’t know about because they don’t even bother to read my words. Yet I’m playing the victim. 

And the accusations of bigotry and being hateful hurt, because it couldn’t be further from what is in my heart. I believing in love and acceptance of all. I don’t know how many are religious here, but I found God after my first suicide attempt and that is what his word has taught me. 

I’ve been through too much in life to tolerate this, for lack of a more eloquent term, bullshit. I know what abuse and victim blaming looks like when I see it. And in my 20 years of life, I have gone through too much: constant ridicule and bullying, suicide attempts, sexual assault, major spinal surgery, to just be stomped over and not stand up for my right to basis human decency. 

I refuse to put up with this, so unless I get an apology and some semblance of justice for everything I have been through, I am leaving. I will not participate in a space run by hate and toxicity. I will never claim to be perfect, and I have apologized for my mistakes and wrongdoings. Now, hold those who did this accountable. If you’re reading this you know very well who it was, and I am not naming them for those who don’t. Because at the end of the day I still send nothing but love and wish no ill will towards them.

But I’ll be damned if I don’t expect accountability of one of the greatest influencers in the fandom for their complacency in abuse, threats, suicide baiting, and and absolute ruining of my life and online experience. They enabled this and were well aware they had the power to stop it-- to ask their followers to stop-- and did nothing. They didn’t care-- about a human’s life and well being. 

@dragonprinceofficial, are you aware that this is what many of the fans of your show, which preaches love and an end to the cycle of vengeance, do to others? That this is happening in your space? If you stand at all by the values you preach, condemn it. @staffTumblr/ @supportTumblr-- shame on you for allowing this abuse to happen and ignoring my reports. Shame on you for permitting these people to operate in your platform and for being okay with hosting hate. People have been driven to suicide on your website-- I am one of the lucky ones. 

If you care at all about humanity and stand against this behavior, reblog and spread awareness. Share my story so I may not happen to anyone else. Tag @dragonprinceofficial until they notice and speak out. 

This is my story, and so many others. Make sure it doesn’t happen ever again. No human being deserves to be treated how I was. Everyone deserves compassion, decency, and respect. And everyone deserves a place in fandom. Do better. If you want to reach out to me DMs are open, as well as my email, which is attached to my account. Until this change happens and I am given the support/ help needed to safely function on this platform, this blog will not be active outside of that. 

Thank you all of the many accounts who have supported me, and I am working on getting back to all who have reached out! Your love means the world. You know who you are, and I don’t want to tag in case people come after you for showing me kindness. I am sorry if this is goodbye, to all that have enjoyed my blog. I enjoyed it for a long time  too. I loved sharing my passion for stories, culture, having a space where I could analyze and discuss my favorite things.  I loved getting to share what I had to offer with the world, having fun and posting jokes with my unique sense of humor. I loved interacting with intelligent people/ fellow fans and discussing my favorite stories, offering each other new insights and growing together. I loved the many, many kind and wonderful people who reached out to me in a variety of ways and provided support and friendship.

In the end, it just isn’t worth all of this pain and trauma, and I know when to put my foot down. I don’t want pity, I don’t want apologizes, and I’m not a martyr. I just want my story to make a difference-- to spur positive change in fandom culture/ spaces.  I will be tagging all fandoms in which I have seen this kind of abuse present as well, to reach as many as possible. 

Be safe, and be kind.

- The Arcadia Ledger/ Ryn/ Katie, signing off.