#I feel like I need to share my fixation for these three with everyone

[eloise175]

behold the babygirls

[elijahs-dumps]

The Infantilization of Wylan Van Eck (within the soc fandom)

Hi! This is my first tumbler post ever, which is like super scary I wont lie. But I've had this project I've been working on since October and I'd love to share it with people, so here goes nothing!

Infantilization or to infantilize someone means to treat them as a child or in a way that denies their maturity in age or experience, and it qualifies as a form of mental abuse. 

This treatment is common in fandoms, although it obviously isn't done in a hateful way on purpose. It’s often directed towards characters who are more innocent, more kind, or more anxious than the other characters within the universe. Or, sometimes these characters are literally just the youngest of the group. Some examples of this include, Entrapta from She-Ra and the Princesses and Power, Varian from Rapunzel’s Tangled Adventure, Number Five from The Umbrella Academy, Hunter from The Owl House, Little Cato from Final Space, and even Peter Parker from the MCU.

However, most of the traits found in characters that are infantilized are also traits found in neurodivergent people. These traits include, missing social cues, being easily excitable or restless, often feeling anxious hyper fixating on something (usually related to science or math), being an outcast from the rest of the group in some way, and so on and so forth. Therefore, infantilization within fandoms is pretty problematic on its own. People (usually online) think that characters with these traits should be babied or pitied or demeaned in some way, even though neurodivergent consumers usually relate to these characters because of those same traits. 

Some evidence of Wylan being infantilized can include; the fact he's only referred to as cute or synonyms to that, while the other Crows or their actors are often sexualized more. People saying or implying he's smaller, weaker, or even younger than the others. And of course, people saying Kaz and Wylan are father and son... which is something I'll come back to later.

Why Wylan?

To better understand why exactly Wylan is receiving this treatment exclusively from the fans, we need to fully analyze the Six of Crows duology, which is exactly what I did!

When we are first introduced to Wylan in chapter seven (Matthias’ POV) of the Six of Crows, we see him sitting at the table and doodling while occasionally chewing on his thumbnail. He doesn't speak until Inej voices her doubts in Wylan’s demolition abilities. Jesper says Wylan “barely knows his trade”, and Kaz mentions that Wylan is “new to the scene”. Matthias also makes a comment about how Wylan “looks like he’s about twelve”. When Jesper and Inej continue to complain about Wylan being their demo man, Kaz tells them that Wylan is doubling as their insurance policy because Wylan is Jan Van Eck’s son, the rich merchant who’s paying Kaz and his chosen crew 40 million kruge in exchange for breaking Bo Yul-Bayur out of the Ice Court. This immediately makes everyone in the room think less of Wylan because of his privileged past.

This introduction sets up Wylan to the readers. His reserved body language, along with his inexperience and Matthias’ comment about his young appearance gives the impression that Wylan is more childish than the other Crows.

In the next chapter (Jesper’s POV) as the Crows react to the reveal of Wylan’s identity, Kaz tells Wylan that he’s “passable at demo, but excellent at hostage”. Jesper calls Wylan a “baby merch” and insists that Kaz leave him behind, less he slows the crew down. Wylan is annoyed that Kaz and Jpeser are talking about him as if he isn't in the room. Then, Kaz tells Wylan that the only reason he hasn't been mugged or jumped in the three months since he left his father’s house is because Kaz placed him under Dregs protection. In fact, Jesper even says that Kaz has been “coddling Wylan”. Jesper proceeds to call Wylan useless as he and Nina belittle Wylan for living in the Barrel “by choice”. This is also where the nickname “merchling” comes from. When the group continues to go back and forth over Wylan’s skills, Kaz repeats that he’s only bringing Wylan along because he doesn’t want to leave their hostage alone in Ketterdam. This makes Wylan the only Crow that wasn’t hired for their abilities, Wylan’s passable demo skills are simply a bonus. It’s a way for Kaz to keep the crew small and avoid splitting the money even further. 

This entire exchange and interaction between our six main characters lays out the groundwork for the dynamic between Wylan and the other Crows for the majority of the first book. Everyone else in the room believes Wylan is just another spoiled rich kid. They make fun of him for his lack of street smarts, and the money he was born into. Wylan never really fights back too much when it comes to comments from the others, which just reinforces the idea that he came from a cushy lifestyle where he never had to learn how to defend himself verbally. Wylan’s inexperience and innocence is often mistaken for stupidity by the characters, and therefore the readers. 

Kaz saying, “Always hit where the mark isn’t looking.” Only for Wylan to reply with, “Who's Mark?” is a great example of this. (Still chapter eight, Jesper’s POV.)

In chapter nine (Kaz’s POV) we see how Kaz views Wylan in his inner monologue. He says Wylan seems out of his depth, and even though he’s only a year younger than Kaz (making Wylan sixteen)  he still looks like a child. Kaz describes Wylan as a silk eared puppy in a room full of fighting dogs. This pushes the concept that Wylan is more childlike than the others further onto the audience. 

Additionally, in chapter eleven (Jesper’s POV), we see Jesper quite literally call Wylan “kid” during the attack at the docks, even though they’re also only one year apart. And in chapter fifteen, Matthias refers to Wylan as “the soft one” within his own inner monologue.

Since Wylan doesn't have his own point of view chapters in the first book, the reader’s entire understanding of this character is formed through the eyes of the other Crows. So, what we’re hearing about Wylan in the first book might not be entirely accurate, which is something people often forget. Part of the reason why the fandom treats Wylan the way they do is because of the way the Crows describe and talk to him throughout the entire series, The reader learns to rely on the others’ opinions on Wylan in order to learn more about him. 

All of the evidence I have shown so far, and even some smaller things I haven't included, plants a certain mentality in the reader; Wylan doesn't have the same knowledge as the other Crows, so he must be weak and gullible. Weakness and gullibility are often traits associated with the “younger-one-of-the-group” trope, or the “Kid Trope”. So, since Wylan is displaying behaviors that we as media consumers have grown used to attaching to characters who are literal children, Wylan must be a child, or at least be treated like one. 

However, the Crows don’t treat Wylan this way because they truly believe Wylan acts like a small child, because he doesn’t. Wylan’s behavior is perfectly normal, it simply sticks out in contrast to the harsh environments all the others have been exposed to. They treat him this way throughout the book as a sort of condescending joke, they belittle him for the stereotypes surrounding his upbringing and little else.

Still, like I said, the Crows’ mindset on Wylan is all the reader is exposed to for the entire first book, so the reader will subconsciously assume Wylan must be doing something to earn this odd treatment from the others. Sometimes readers don’t understand that it is not Wylan’s wealthy and sheltered background that makes him different, it’s the fact that the others are all criminals, murderers, soldiers, and convicts. Wylan is the only “normal” Crow on a very surface level, so his innocence is bound to stick out more.

As the first book continues, we see that there’s more to Wylan’s past than he lets on. We see first hand how smart and capable Wylan truly is, as his character grows with the story. It begins in the fight at the docks in chapter eleven, where Wylan uses his own flash bombs to help Jesper out.  In chapter thirteen, Wylan openly questions and even challenges Kaz after he throws Oomen overboard, which shows great courage on Wylan’s part. This pattern of questioning Kaz when no one else really does is a common theme when it comes to Wylan. We also see Wylan explain who Pekka Rollins is to Matthias in chapter fifteen. This shows that he’s not completely incompetent, and is at least somewhat aware of what goes on in the Barrel. Then, in chapter seventeen (Jesper’s POV), Wylan expresses his natural curiosity and desire for knowledge about anything, from the mechanics of the Ice Court moat to the design of Jesper’s guns. All of this builds to chapter twenty-two, where the Crows are attacked on the ice by Grisha who were sent by the Shu, dosed on parem. Wylan does a lot of heavy lifting in this fight with his bombs, and everyone is impressed. Jesper even makes a comment about how Wylan’s “earned his keep” now. 

Small moments like this that showcase Wylan’s natural resourcefulness and strength are crucial to communicating with the readers that the Crows were wrong about Wylan in the beginning. As Wylan’s true nature begins to develop further throughout the first book, we slowly see the Crows and their attitude towards Wylan change. It becomes more positive. In the future, when Wylan makes an ignorant comment, the others don’t poke fun at him as much. They’ll tell him to be quiet at most.

By the final climax of Six of Crows, chapter forty-six (Kaz’s POV), we find out Wylan cannot read. Jan Van Eck is open about his hatred and mistreatment of his son. When Jesper jumps to Wylan’s defense, he goes as far as to say Wylan is smarter than most of the others put together. Jesper is in love with Wylan at this point in the story, so his words might be a little exaggerated. But there’s still truth to them. This entire scene serves as evidence that Jesper and the other Crows have realized Wylan’s intelligence and worth, so they don’t even think twice when they find out Wylan can’t read or write. 

If all the Crows’ preconceived notions about Wylan were proven wrong before the end of the first book, then why does the fandom still view Wylan in such a problematic way? 

Blame Booktok

This is all mainly tied to modern day book consumption, and the obsession with “tropes”. Online reading communities such as “Booktok” or “Bookstagram” have normalized interpreting even the most complex characters through simple archetypes. This is something all six crows are a victim of, in fact, most characters within all kinds of media are. 

A good example of this within Six of Crows is Kaz Brekker himself. Kaz, within “Booktok”, is often lumped together with several other male YA love interests in books, like Aaron Warner or Cardan Greenbriar . They all usually share very few qualities, like having violent tendencies, being extremely protective of their loved ones, and acting cold or mysterious towards others. Regardless of the fact that all these characters are so complex and different, from their relationship dynamics, to their morals, to their backstories,  readers still often view them as one in the same because of videos online pointing out very minute similarities. A broader example I would use is the way the Hunger Games series was often marketed and discussed as if the love triangle between Peeta, Gale, and Katniss was the main focus of the story. But really it was just a subplot to a more serious and heavy narrative.

People will often focus too much on singular tropes because it makes books easily identifiable and marketable in this new era of self-publishing and online purchasing. It’s easier to judge a book by its cover if you have a broad sense of what might be inside based on the small character details or scenarios other readers liked from it. But what does that have to do with Wylan? 

Well, because people often talk about books or even whole genres on a surface level, they also discuss characters on a surface level. This lazy form of consumption is what often leads to mischaracterization. People can obviously understand complex characters like Wylan, so it’s not a question of intelligence. Fans online are just used to discussing things within books fandoms in such a simple way and viewing a character through the lens of one trope. They’ll put the character in a box, and Wylan just so happens to check all the boxes for a character who would be infantilized. Even though there are interesting things about Wylan besides his “innocence”, people are less inclined to talk about it. In short, viewing Wylan as just another character who falls under the category of a simple stereotype is easier than including and discussing his nuances. 

So who is at fault?

When it comes to talking about a more harmful fandom behavior, like infantilization, it’s important to keep an open mind. Sometimes, it’s the creator’s fault for writing a character in a problematic way, not the fandom’s fault for interpreting it that way. So, is Leigh Bardugo at fault here for writing Wylan in this light? Or is it the fandom’s fault for not looking past the obvious parts of a character? 

I don’t think it was Leigh Bardugo’s fault. If you take the second book, Crooked Kingdom, into account then you can clearly see that the way Wylan is disrespected in the first book is something he’s dealt with his whole life, especially from his father. Wylan has been taught to believe that his reading disability makes him useless as an heir, and as a human being all together. This is one of the reasons why we never see Wylan truly snap back in an aggressive way in Six of Crows when the others insult and belittle him. A big part of Wylan thinks that the others are right about him being useless. Obviously, Wylan couldn’t have had his own POV chapters in Six of Crows, because then that would spoil his father’s true motives. However, I think the fact we didn't get to see his point of view in the first book serves another purpose. Wylan’s low self-esteem is definitely a major thing he needs to overcome in his personal story within Crooked Kingdom. So for the readers to fully understand this, we needed to view Wylan from an outside perspective. First, we get to view him as the other Crows do, as someone sheltered and weak who’s in way over his head. Then, we get to see why Wylan is the way he is. I think this sort of reverse style of character writing is really interesting and more fun to read. But still, not every reader accepted Wylan just because the Crows started to warm up to him. So by extension, this is also why Wylan is one of the most hated Crows. Nevertheless, I think the way Leigh Bardugo chose to write Wylan is inevitable for the story and vital to his character! It wouldn't feel the same if we didn't get to see how the others viewed him first. 

The fault lies with the fandom when it comes to Wylan’s infantilization. But, are people online really just lazy when it comes to discussing characters, or is something bigger at play here? I think it’s both. People do misinterpret Wylan’s strong and resilient character because of laziness and the normalization of oversimplification and overconsumption within the book community. But this treatment is also rooted in subconscious ableism. To better explain what subconscious ableism truly is, I’ll be taking a deeper look at a specific dynamic.

Kaz and Wylan (are not father and son)

Despite these two characters only having a one year age gap, the fandom often views Kaz and Wylan’s relationship as one similar to a father and son dynamic. Which is understandable to a certain degree. Kaz is the very first person Wylan ever told about his reading disability. Kaz had Wylan placed under Dregs protection the minute Wylan set foot in the Barrel, which may have been for Kaz’s own selfish reason, but it still kept Wylan safe for a while. There are a couple scenes in the books where Kaz will give Wylan advice about life in general, or about having a disability, not just about being a criminal. We see Kaz take getting Wylan justice for his mother and stealing back Wylan’s inheritance very seriously. Wylan even starts to pick up some of Kaz’s mannerisms and facial expressions. All of these could be viewed as things a father and son would do, despite how small the actual age gap is. However, the fandom seems to take this relationship to the extreme, from fan fiction and fan art, to getting the characters’ actors involved. 

It’s somewhat because of very minute subconscious ableism. People naturally view Wylan as younger because of his demeanor, but also because of his disability. The opposite is true for Kaz. His physical disability makes people naturally view him as older than seventeen in their minds. This is due to long standing ableist tropes within the media. People with mental disabilities are often depicted as stupider in some way, so they need to be babied or coddled. While people with physical disabilities are often depicted as very ill, or very old. 

This might seem far fetched, but it’s true. And it’s quite obvious if you look closely enough at anything from books, to movies, to TV, to games! These are just some of the harmful stereotypes we see in our world every day, 

How to fix this issue

Now, of course people aren’t just going to stop misinterpreting characters or stop viewing them through small scale tropes all together. But keeping yourself educated and aware is a good way to stop promoting these harmful stereotypes. Listen to the voices that are being affected in these situations! In this case, it’s people with mental or physical disabilities. Be sure to take into account what they have to say on matters like this one. Allow yourself to take the criticism and learn from their experiences or feelings. It’s important to be empathetic and kind to one another, and acknowledge that sometimes we do problematic things without intending to. When talking about characters with disabilities, it’s important to remember what they represent, and the fact that you can't always say whatever you want just because the characters are fictional. 

As always, if you’re ever unsure about whether something you feel or think is harmful towards a certain community, never be afraid to ask questions and do your research!

[hyuckbeam]

hit or miss

you’re given a bet by your own best friend to finally earn you some kissing experience at the ripe age of 18, but what if he’s the one you’ve been wanting to kiss all along?

pairing | bff!haechan x reader

genre | fluff, just a bit of angst

warnings | y/n uses she/her pronouns, both y/n and hyuck are dumdums! kind of slow burn, curse words are explicitly mentioned, cousin!winter, i think that’s all but lmk if i missed anything!

wc | 4.3k words

note | this is pretty inspired by the webtoon “the kiss bet” because i currently have a hyper fixation on it and i absolutely love all the characters ;0; this is also way longer than intended but anyways,, i hope u enjoy! all rbs and likes are appreciated, thank you <3

D-15.

“in three, two, one, happy birthday, y/n!” your best friend, haechan announces aloud for everyone in your apartment complex to hear at 12 in the morning.

“come on! make a wish before the candles blow out!” winter, your cousin, urges you with a big smile on her face.

having just finished your night time routine and prepared yourself for a night's worth of sleep, you were rather shocked to see them with one of those trendy bento cakes and rainbow colored party hats adorning their heads.

despite your confusion, you walk up towards them with a grateful smile resting upon your lips. “seriously, when did you guys plan this?”

“oh, it was all my- ow, hey!” haechan gets cut off midway through his statement because of a nudge from winter’s elbow.

“what he was trying to say was it was all my doing. you’re welcome bubs!” your cousin beams, eyes creasing into crescents. “though i’d wish you’d hurry up. this cake isn’t holding itself up for you, y’know?” she adds on rather playfully but you can tell she truly meant it.

gathering a deep breath, you blow out the candles and cheers erupt from the people you deem closest to you. winter then sets down the cake on your coffee table in relief as your best friend slings his arm over your shoulder.

“sooo y/n, got anything planned for the year? a small resolution or something like that, i don’t know.” he rambles off, suggesting the idea of having a goal to work towards now that you were deemed an adult (though, haechan kept referring to this as the year that marks your jail-ability era).

you feel a little tingly from his touch, even when you know the two of you are just friends and nothing more. what you’re feeling is probably just a phase. it’ll go away.

“i’m not really sure, got any ideas for me?” you ask the two instead, eyeing them both in a back and forth motion.

“we can always work on that dating experience of yours- last i remember, it was up to the high number count of… zero.” your cousin chips in from the side as she slices the cake for the three of you to share, her tone sarcastic while she teases you.

it’s true, you didn’t have a lot (re: any) of experience in the dating sector, but perhaps that could change starting this year. “that… might not be such a bad idea.”

haechan’s interest seems to have been piqued — he’s making that look. that specific expression where the corners of his lips turn upwards, a brow raised, and that glint in his eye. oh, you know it all too well.

“come on.” you urge the boy. “start sharing your idea. i can practically see your mind ready to explode.”

“well, since you’ve asked me ever so kindly. how ‘bout a bet?” he starts, taking a few steps towards you with that cocky expression of his. “i bet you 10 dollars to kiss someone in two months. not that hard, right?”

“what- you want me to kiss some random person for 10 bucks?” you gawk out in surprise.

he only shakes his head, “i never said it needed to be a stranger. just, someone in general.”

you processed the idea thoroughly, running all sorts of possible scenarios in your head. wouldn’t it be much easier to kiss… haechan himself? that just seemed like the most plausible approach for you.

he wasn't a stranger — the furthest from one. you were comfortable with him. the kiss didn’t have to mean anything (though it might mean a tiny bit more to you), and in addition, you’d be making some cash.

everything seemed to check out. the only problem was that you had to ask him to kiss you. still, surely this was better than any other alternative, right?

“i’ll do it but… can’t i just kiss you and get it over with?” you finally voice out your thoughts, pretending to make your question sound playful in case the request backfires on you.

“you’re my best friend, that’s a little odd, don’t you think so?” haechan replies in the same tone, lightly ruffling your hair before going over to retrieve a slice of cake from winter.

ouch. way to have your first bit of “dating experience” be your best friend… friend zoning you. what a lovely start to your 18th birthday.

D-13.

a few days had passed since the bet you made with haechan had been established, but not one ounce of progress had been made.

to be fair, how were you supposed to kiss someone else when all you’ve ever wanted was for that kiss to be with your best friend? that’s tough luck.

you attending classes today doesn’t really help with your thoughts either, especially when both haechan and winter had been asking about said progress one after the other.

you’d be lying if they weren’t starting to give you a headache.

as if on cue, winter approaches you, some lecture books in hand and her bag slung on her shoulder. “y/n! how’s your progress?” here we go again.

“just as i told you yesterday, nothing yet.” you reply with a small sigh.

winter senses the frustration behind your words, encouraging her to suggest ideas to help you. “how about finding someone you like? it might make it easier for you know… to kiss them.”

“i don’t think that’s still a good- actually, you might just be onto something, minjeong.” your gears start to churn in your mind. in order to wash haechan off your mind, you might as well find someone else and maybe get an actual relationship out of it.

the idea was just perfect for you.

“have i ever told you how much i love you? i gotta go but i’ll see you after class, winter!” you excitedly bid her a goodbye, rushing to your classroom so you could better plan out your new gameplan.

though the most ideal situation was long gone, you now had a back up plan and you weren’t going to back down so easily from the bet.

you were now busily scribbling on your notepad, forgetting that a new student was to transfer into your class today. the teacher calls upon your attention and as you look up, your eyes land on a boy with great resemblance to a cute bunny.

apparently he’s the new transfer student.

the teacher gives him a moment to introduce himself. “hello everyone, my name is na jaemin. i hope we all get along!” so that’s his name, you thought to yourself.

surprisingly, he was told to take the seat in front of yours, offering you a small smile and a curt wave, one that you gladly return, before he takes his seat.

actually, maybe you really could forget haechan for just a teensy bit.

D-6.

a week goes by without haechan seeing you once. an entire week. was he always this eager to see you? to bask in the warm sight that is you? he thinks he must be going crazy.

the only time he ever gets updates about you is through winter which aren’t much to go on. he does remember a key detail she mentioned previously about how you’ve been spending time with that new student, jaemin.

what was so special about him anyways? well, he was surely going to find out soon.

as the bell rings to signal the start of recess, he dashes out of his classroom, taking big steps towards yours.

there, haechan finds you in his seat and he’s about to approach you until he sees you’re in the middle of a conversation with the one and only, na jaemin.

“this is how you do this, right?” jaemin asks you, directing your sight to a piece of paper that has a bunch of math formulas written on it.

“yeah! i’m surprised you got that rather quickly.” you compliment the boy in front of you with a small laugh.

your thoughts on jaemin have changed drastically since the first time you met him. he’s a sweet boy, someone you could never take advantage of. it just felt wrong to you so you just dropped your entire plan as a whole.

it was alright to lose the bet. at least you kind of made a new friend out of it, right? you smile to yourself at that thought.

to haechan, however, your smile is so bright in jaemin’s presence, it’s practically blinding everyone in sight. have you ever smiled at him like that? wait- why does that matter?

he doesn’t like you, no way.

you’re best friends, yeah. his love for you is as platonic as can be — at least that’s what he tells himself.

for someone as bold as haechan, he can’t seem to find the confidence in him to walk towards your table and steal your attention. instead, he steps out of the classroom, unnoticed by you.

D-5.

“JAEMIN DID WHAT!?” haechan yells into his phone, winter being on the receiving end of the call.

the girl tuts, “scream one more time and i’m hanging up on you. and yes, i heard he confessed to y/n. i don’t think she gave him an answer though.”

“sorry, look, i was just really surprised.” a deep sigh comes out from haechan before the call goes silent. he takes the time to process the situation, but the idea of you and jaemin being together just rubs him off the wrong way.

“doesn’t she see how bad he is for her?” he finally reasons out.

“uhuh, in what sense exactly?” winter retorts.

“he’s probably just using her to gain attention or something! can’t i look out for my own best friend?” the response is laughable, even to haechan, but he goes along with it.

winter laughs into the call, “are you even hearing yourself? that’s pretty baseless, even for you haechan.” she replies shortly afterwards. “seems to me like you’re jealous.”

“are you hearing yourself, winter? no i’m not! get your head screwed on properly!” haechan answers back in the same incredulous manner as she did to him just a few seconds ago. “who would i even be jealous of?”

“jaemin. who else? i think it’s pretty clear to most. you aren’t that great at managing your feelings, y’know-” the girl’s voice cuts off for a second, “-oh, i’m being called to dinner now but seriously, get yourself together haechan. i know you like my cousin. bye!”

the line goes beep and haechan tosses his phone onto his bed. she really did just leave him hanging like that. how could she after bringing that idea up?!

jealous? not a chance. haechan never gets jealous.

D-4.

haechan wakes up the next day feeling tired, having not slept a wink after winter’s words kept replaying in his head.

i know you like my cousin.

you like my cousin.

you like her.

and these same words follow him as he makes it all the way to school. perhaps seeing you in school would help him understand his feelings better.

he really just wants this to be over with.

with trudged steps, he makes his way to your classroom and luckily enough for him, there you were already in class before the first bell rang.

he blames it on the lack of sleep but you look so ethereal sitting down in your chair as you bop your head lightly to the music that’s presumably playing on your earphones.

the sight is something to behold- that is until he pivots his head ever so slightly and sees jaemin accompanying you. god, why does he have to be there.

so maybe haechan does get jealous. sometimes.

maybe that’s why he acts without thinking, swiftly dragging you from your chair and out to the school courtyard despite your protests.

“hyuck let me go-” you grumble, tugging on your arm but he doesn’t budge one bit. it’s only when you reach a bench in the furthest part of the courtyard he decides to get go of your wrist.

“seriously, what is wrong with you?” you scoff out in disbelief. “this is the first time we’ve spoken in days. i think you could’ve just asked me if you really wanted to talk.” with the addition of those words, haechan finally realizes what he’s done. he knows it was wrong but he isn’t going to back down from the argument that was brewing between you two.

“me? how about you? you’ve been so lovey dovey with mr. perfect all this time! don’t you have yourself to blame on why we haven’t seen each other in so long?” he spat out coldly.

your heart sinks, and yet, you can’t help but feel even more enraged. its true, you’re part of the reason for the lack of communication between you two. after all, communication is a two way system. but doesn’t that also mean he’s also to blame?

“i enjoy jaemin’s company a lot! is that so wrong?” you shoot back, biting your bottom lip before mumbling the latter part of your statement. “at least he isn’t as grumpy as the person standing in front of me.”

ouch.

the boy hears this and gets ticked off even more. maybe it really is the lack of sleep but he seriously can’t understand her reasoning anymore. instead, he assumes she’s just doing all of this for the bet.

“do you really want to win the bet so bad? if that’s what you want, just kiss me and be over with it. i’m literally letting you win. you can stop seeing jaemin now.”

and that’s when it hits you a little.

why is he bringing the bet up all of a sudden when you just want a genuine relationship with jaem- oh. he couldn’t possibly see you as someone like that right? he said it himself! he doesn’t like you and even denied your request to kiss him a few weeks ago.

but, if that were all true, what other explanation would there be to his actions?

he takes your silence as a no, prompting him to leave you in the courtyard all alone.

you couldn’t seem to understand him at all no matter how hard you tried.

as soon as you got home from classes that same day, you rushed yourself back home and into the comfort of your bed and pillows — treating them as if they were your closest confidants and cried while you shared your troubles.

it wasn’t productive on your end but it was much needed for you to at least think straight. you’d been bottling your contemplations all day long after all.

here you are laying lifeless on your bed, using all your braincells to dicern what the fuck happened earlier this morning.

you know haechan doesn’t like you. you’ve said it to yourself so many times now.

maybe he’s just jealous you’ve been spending more time with jaemin because, although you have different intentions before, you realized you couldn’t see him in that way nor had the heart to just use him for your own gain.

haechan was a different story though. you feel flushed just thinking about him, knowing full well the both of you are in the middle of an argument between each other.

remembrance of the frustration hits, making you groan at the thought of having to remedy it. if you and haechan had anything in common, it would be the stubbornness you both share.

the last time you both got into an argument this big was back in junior high. neither of you spoke to the other for an entire month. it got so bad that both your parents had to call each other up to devise a way to get an apology out from the both of you.

though it would make the entire situation much easier, your parents no longer delve into these types of problems — and neither do haechan’s. you’re both all alone to fix this one yourselves and you wish you’d been more grateful to your parents for mending your relationship with haechan.

deep down, you already know the both of you will struggle to find the right timing, but you certainly hope that day would come soon. you didn’t exactly like being away from him either (even if he made you feel like shit for the rest of the day).

you decide to sleep off your worries for the night, hoping and praying that tomorrow would be a better day for you.

D-3.

tomorrow is not any better of a day.

jaemin and haechan both invited you to eat with them for lunch which quickly escalated into a light argument between the two. you couldn’t even bring yourself to butt into their conversation, seeing how they were fighting over something so silly.

“i’m her best friend, we do this pretty much everyday!” you hear haechan yell at jaemin, his frustration for the other getting the best of him. “plus, i need to talk with her. without you.”

“if the two of you are just best friends, then what gives you the right to dictate her answers?” jaemin fires back, keeping a calm and collected appearance throughout.

this shuts haechan up and the entire cafeteria goes dead silent. oh boy, did you want to curl up into a little hole. everyone was staring and you didn’t like that one bit.

nevertheless, you decided to be the bigger person — uttering a small apology to jaemin before walking off to the table you usually sat at with haechan — the latter following you a few steps behind.

neither of you speak as you begin to eat your separate meals, another sign the relationship between you two was starting to fade out into dust.

winter joins your lunch table shortly after witnessing the drama unfold, she looks at haechan with an unreadable expression and the boy stays quiet during the whole meal.

didn't he say he wanted to talk? an apology for the day before would have been nice.

you get fed up by the silence, placing your food back on the tray before picking it up. you mutter a quiet “i can’t seem to understand you at all.” directed at hyuck before leaving and switching over to the table where jaemin and his friends are sitting.

it all happened too fast and haechan didn’t realize you were leaving until you already did. he really did want to talk but how was he supposed to do that after having that situation with jaemin?

he wanted to calm down first but you had other plans. you really left him in shambles this time.

winter can’t help but sigh at the ongoing conflict. she silently wishes she wasn’t involved this much if it was going to turn out like this.

D-2.

haechan knows he truly has to make it up to you (including a long overdue explanation of why he’s been acting weirdly the past few days) but doesn’t know how to do that. apologies never came easy to him. his mind couldn’t help but go blank everytime he tried thinking of a way to approach you without making things more complicated than they already are.

the sheer amount of times he’s hit a brick wall has him calling the only person who probably knows more about you than he, himself, does.

he picks up his phone, searching through his contacts before landing on a single person, now waiting for the phone to ring.

“hello?” winter’s voice reaches him through the call. “i knew you’d call after what happened at the cafeteria.”

it takes a moment for haechan to answer, “maybe if jaemin wasn’t so aggressive–”

“you both were. now spill, have you gotten your feelings sorted yet?” the girl pushes his dramatics aside, getting straight to the point.

“i… think i do. you were right all along.” haechan finishes. although it was hard for him to admit at first, now that he’s actually said it out loud, it might be the first time he’s been feeling a sense of clarity after so long.

winter hums at his confession. “at least you’re finally taking a step in the right direction. now, to win her back…” she smiles to herself, already having a plan in mind.

you, on the other hand, have been seeing haechan and winter together often for the past week. naturally, your mind begins to wonder if your own cousin is the reason why haechan rejected you way back during your small birthday celebration.

the evidence matches up pretty well — he probably couldn’t reject you directly because she was in the room with the two of you that day. he isn’t spending as much time with you anymore because he’s spending time with her.

they look good together.

those words linger in your head more than you’d like to admit.

you feel cast aside by the people you’ve known practically your entire life but you don’t have much of a choice but to return to jaemin’s company. after all, you chose to eat the rest of your lunch at his table instead of the one that brought familiarity to you.

D-DAY.

day after day, the two of you just seemed to grow even more distant and you wondered if the end of your long-term friendship was nigh approaching. you barely saw him roaming through the halls of campus anymore, much less your cousin.

you didn’t dislike the new friend group you had (jaemin introducing you to his friends after you finally told him about your situation with haechan, but you couldn’t help but feel… dissatisfied with your current situation.)

as your class ends, you prepare yourself for another silent walk home. despite having those new friends, you felt lonelier than you ever had. you missed them. you missed him. and yet, life seemed to have other plans for you.

even trudging down these halls filled with other students made you lonely.

truthfully, you would do anything to have them back- a pain to your forehead snaps you out of your thoughts. you had bumped into someone. well, not just someone, but the person you’ve been longing for the most.

haechan. he was right in front of you after who knows how long it’s been.

you felt like crying on the spot but held in your emotions to appear like your life was anything but lost. haechan knew that look on your face, presuming you haven’t been well ever since the two of you have spoken. he takes your hands that have slumped to your sides into his, and the small gesture reminded you of the warmth he’d bring into your life.

“are you up for a short conversation perhaps?” you only nod and he takes that as a signal in the right direction, though, he isn’t used to you acting around him like this. oh boy, this was going to be more than a short conversation.

haechan leads you into the gymnasium and the two of you sit down by the bleachers with no sight of other students in the area.

“before you get mad- i wanted to apologize first. i shouldn’t have acted the way i did. i was childish.” he begins, holding eye contact with you to show his sincerity. “frankly, i was jealous. jealous you spent more time with jaemin, and you seemed to enjoy you time with him more than the times we hang out together. i shouldn’t have made you feel sad in any way, but i did and that’s completely my fault. i’m sorry.” you know his words hold both his feelings and the truth.

he wasn’t going to lie to you. he never once did during the time you knew each other.

however, what he admitted to had you flustered.

he was jealous of you and jaemin? it was a little hard to believe until you remembered the latter confessed to you the past week. oh god, did word of that spread out? nevermind that, what happened between you and jaemin was the least of your worries, the boy in front of you was. what if haechan got the wrong idea from the rumors?

“it’s not completely your fault. we both were pretty stubborn.” you reply, a soft chuckle leaving your lips to ease the tension between you two. “and if… if you’re curious, i never returned jaemin’s feelings back.

haechan gets pretty taken aback by your statement, now wondering why you brought it up. “oh… i know.”

“you knew? did winter tell you?” you question in anticipation. “i guess the both of you are pretty close now.”

“she did but i swear our friendship is nothing like that!” it was his turn to get flustered. “she could never replace your spot in my life.”

“i’m a little confused though after all of this…” you gesture out, referring to the situation that has just recently moved past you two. “what spot do i even have?”

he pauses, taking his time to think of the right words he wants to tell you but they all get stuck in his throat. the expression on your face showed how you took his silence negatively, prompting him to speak. “i like you. i couldn’t admit it even to myself for the longest time and-” having enough of his rambling, you inch a little closer and give him a kiss on the lips.

it’s brief, and yet, it continues to linger on his lips. “you kissed me.”

“why do you think i never gave jaemin an answer to jaemin’s confession?”

“so you were really saving it for me? i’m honored.” he chuckles out, playfully holding his hand to his chest.

“well, you should be.” you add on with the same bright smile he’s seen you flash at jaemin, except this time, it was absolutely for him.

“i guess that also means you won the bet?” he recalls, a brow raising at you.

you give him a light nudge on his shoulder while suppressing a giggle, “oh, shut up and just kiss me. you owe me 10 bucks by the way.”

tags !!

[heartilywrites]

،، 𝒮o this is love ; Korra

< back to part 1

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resume: where a single ball changed your life.

content warning: a shit ton of fluff ; angst if you squint your eyes ; Korra x fem!reader ; description of eye color ; r is the fire nation's princess and a blue firebender ; no use of y/n

wc: 2.5k

a/n: this one is the most agonizing fluff i've ever written, has to be my favorite so far. ENJOY :D

" I can see you're scared of your emotions, I can see you're hoping, you're not hopeless. So why can't you show me.ᐣ

The mattress springs sounded once, twice, even three times in less than a minute when you turned again over yourself. Four nights had passed since the ball hosted by your family and your mind was still replaying the short time the mysterious girl and you shared together.

Korra, her name has been resounding in your brain, scratching it in such a way that it was almost impossible for you to forget it.

You’d thought of looking for her, of course, but how would you explain to your parents that you wanted to look for a girl you met at the ball? How would you tell them you needed to go to both Water Tribes to ask if there was any girl with an important rank named Korra? You always liked to keep things to yourself, so telling them about your feelings for the girl was completely out of the table. So that was your life at the moment, sleepless nights and endless days always thinking over and over again about Korra; what you would never know was that she was living the same way as you.

Your name made echo in Korra’s mind when you introduced yourself and since then, she had been repeating it like a broken record while looking at her ceiling. Wondering how you’d look without your mask, if your eyes would shine the same way your smile did, if your hands on hers felt softer… Warmer in a peaceful ambience, if they would fit perfectly with her hands when holding them, if you would feel complete when she was holding you in her arms. The avatar was doomed and her friends knew it the minute everyone came back from the ball, she was deeply in love with a complete stranger.

Unlike you, Korra did try to look for you since the morning after the event. Asking for Asami’s help, saying how it was important to her finding you, but was met with her avatar duties holding her back from her search. Grudgingly she did as expected, fulfilling her tasks like it was nothing and leaving satisfied people.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “General Iroh asked if we could attend the Fire Nation, he said he needs help with…” green eyes narrowed, Bolin frowned. “I can’t understand his letter, what does it say here?”

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Agh, can’t they just stop requesting us for some days? I need to do some important shit.” Korra pulled her face down a bit with both hands, Asami giggled funnily at her reaction.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Come on, Korra, this could help your super important investigation.” the girl next to her said. “Didn’t you say your impossible love was from the fire nation?”

The southerner straightened up quickly on her seat, as if she just recalled something and smiled big.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “You’re so right! We need to go!” suddenly Korra had recovered all her energy. “Asami, set course to the Fire Nation! We have an important meeting to attend!”

And so the group set course, by night the airship used for transportation had landed at the palace zone of the Fire Nation.

At the descendance of the team they were met with the royal family welcoming them to the place. Korra smiled and bowed to everyone, her eyes stopped at your sight; she knew about the princess descendant of Azula, but she had never seen her or heard her name, so it was certain she didn’t know who you were… However, there was something about you that called for her whole attention. Your own eyes fixated on the floor, praying that the whole thing would pass quickly so you could go back to your room to fantasize about your crush.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Princess,” Iroh called you a second time, making you snap back to the present. You looked at him who pointed with his head. “They’re introducing themselves.”

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “I’m really sorry,” you said, Korra tilted her head a little. “Welcome to the palace, avatar… Guys. I hope you find it comfortable here.”

Your voice sounded different from what she heard at the ball, the one you used at that moment was deeper, more formal, so Korra couldn’t recognize you just by that and you by yourself were too distracted to analyze the voice of the avatar. When your eyes were wandering along the four new members, they stopped at the avatar; warm eyes despite them being cold tone colored, they resulted familiar and at the same time foreign to you.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “The princess and general Iroh will show you to your rooms so you can settle and rest, tomorrow we can talk about what is needed. You’ll be notified when dinner is ready.” the Fire Lord decreeted making everyone nod.

At first everyone was silently following your cousin and you, but it was the firebender that came with the avatar who broke the silence wanting to chit chat with the general. Everyone moved to where they felt at ease while still walking, Korra went ahead to take Iroh’s place beside you so she could talk with you.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Hey,” she greeted with a smile, you corresponded with one of your own in a shy way. “I’m sorry if we arrived on a bad time, general Iroh called for us suddenly.”

You shook your head softly. “It’s okay, avatar, no need to worry. We… Well, they’re in need of your help after all.” the girl giggled a little bit, your heart skipped a beat to the sound, how? “I’m sure you guys will find it relaxing too, we have lovely areas to be on when you want to be alone.”

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “So I’ve heard,” she continued, nodding. “And seen, you have gardens around here, don’t you? A beautiful one next to the events salon.”

Amber eyes blinked in surprise. “We do… Have you visited the palace before?”

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Kind of, I was-” the girl got interrupted by the earthbender calling for her. “Oh, uhm, excuse me.”

Another nod from you letting her jog to her friends who were choosing their rooms. Your eyes now fixated on the avatar, Iroh walked to you catching you distracted and followed your gaze with his own.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Are you getting along with the avatar?” he asked you, making you now look at him, a smirk was painted on his mouth making you roll your eyes.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “She’s nice, I guess.” you shrugged. “But we don’t know if she likes me, the rumors are still out there, who knows if she heard them.”

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Trust me, if she had, she wouldn't let them influence her judgment without knowing you.” Iroh tried to assure you, making you sigh and turn to the girl once more.

For dinner you had asked to be excused and allowed to eat by yourself in your chambers, saying how you were making an important task asked by your tutor so you totally missed the joint meal.

Passed bedtime, you found yourself once more thinking about the masquerade ball and decided maybe if you went back to the garden now that the avatar had reminded you maybe you could find comfort. Walking up to the bench where the girl and you passed time, you saw a lantern light that made you frown in confusion.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Oh, Your Highness!” the avatar exclaimed as surprised as you, like she was the one not expecting you to be there.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Avatar,” you greeted back with a nod. “What are you doing here?”

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Well, I remembered back in the ball which bench I sat on and had such a beautiful view that I needed to see it again.” she smiled; what a weird coincidence, you thought. “You don’t mind if I stay here, do you?”

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Not at all, they’re public after all.” you answered, she made space for you to sit and so you did. Looking up at the sky you allowed yourself to relax under the bright moonlight where you found comfort. “Such a beautiful night.” you spat out of nowhere.

Korra’s eyes widened a bit and turned to you, blue sky colored orbs analyzing your profile. Her mind started to wonder. “Gorgeous, I would say.” she murmured back, almost as if she was hypnotized.

You blinked for a couple of seconds, trying to register the deja vu you just felt and turning to the avatar you were met with her eyes. It all suddenly felt as if you already lived that scene, like you were back to the masquerade ball… And the realization hit the both of you so sudden like a bucket of cold water dropping on you. It was her, she was the girl at the ball.

Your eyes widened at the moment, panicking on not knowing what to do.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Your Highness-” Korra tried to talk, to get your attention, but you standing up interrupted her.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “I’m sorry, avatar, I need to leave now.” just as that night, you shook your head at the weird feeling of repeating the scene.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “No, wait!” she tried to make you stay, but your own feet were faster to make you almost run back to your chambers while Korra screamed for you, calling you by name.

Your heart felt like it wanted to escape from your ribcage, your whole world felt like it was moving down your feet.

You had the thought that if you found the girl again, it would feel as if everything was complete, but all you felt was anxiety, denial… You felt fear. Fear of her not wanting anything to do with you, fear of her believing what was said about your part of the family, but overall fear of having your heart broken when she realizes that being with you meant disrepute to her title. The avatar with Azula’s granddaughter? A scandal anyone would prefer to avoid.

By morning, Korra woke up early and started walking around the palace in hopes of bumping into you. She didn’t know where your favorite places were or what your daily routine was. Maybe she would’ve lost herself in such a big infrastructure, but it didn’t matter to her. She wanted… No, she needed to talk to you.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Your Highness!” her voice stopped your steps, chills running down her spine. You looked over your shoulder to make sure it was her and at her sight, you started to walk faster; the avatar called your name a couple of times. “We need to talk, I need to talk to you!”

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Korra, please!” your voice had a begging tone. “There’s nothing we need to talk about. Our encounter was purely a one night thing, I know what you’ll say.”

Even if you weren’t looking at her, she had an offended look on her face. How could you say that? She knew you felt the same way she did that night alone.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “But you don’t,” she said again, now you frowned with confusion and turned completely her way. “There’s not a single person in this world that could know what I’ll say to you or even think about you, because my feelings are my own and I get to decide who gets to know them.”

You hesitated before putting your hands behind your back. “Alright… Go ahead, avatar.”

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “I get what you mean by what you said and also get your actions,” she began, taking slow steps your way. Like a predator walking towards its prey. “But you have to believe me when I tell you that I couldn’t stop thinking about you since that night.”

Fire colored eyes fought against iced colored ones, like wanting to prove dominance, but Korra’s eyes were soft, inviting you to let your guard down.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “And I am aware of what they say about you and your family,” a small grimace showed on your lips, she shook her head. “I can totally tell you right now, I don’t care about it, at all. That night you allowed me to see you for you, the real you everyone dismisses and take as a facade; I know why you didn’t tell me right there you are the princess, it’s the same reason why I didn’t tell you I am the avatar: we wanted a real connection, one were at least one person didn’t judge us by our title.”

Your hands were playing now with the pieces of lace your robe had on the sleeve, Korra was now at least two steps away from you.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “If you allow me to show you appreciation, kindness, even love, I promise you’ll get what you had always deserved. What is per title yours, please, princess, let me be part of your life… You have already latched into mine and I think if you say no right now I will be in shambles.” she finished with a little giggle, her eyes never left yours and now your own were starting to tear up.

There was no way that could be real, could it? A big part of you believed every single word the avatar just said to you, but there was still a small amount of your being telling you that it could be a trap, a cruel trap against you and your feelings. But how would you learn about those romantic feelings if you didn’t allow yourself to feel? To trust someone, to let yourself fall in love for once.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “I’m scared,” you whispered when you noticed how she was just centimeters away from you. “I’ve never felt like this.”

Gingerly, the southerner’s hands cupped your face tenderly. “I swear, I won’t hurt you, I would never hurt you if you give me that chance to give you my heart and all my affection, Your Highness.”

There wasn’t a verbal response to what she said, you let for once your impulse guide you and your lips crashed hers in an inexperienced kiss, but it was sweet. You could feel the girl smile under your lips, she then took the lead for the gesture, just when your lungs were crying for air did you pull away from her and a small shy smile was given to her, Korra gifted you a big one, so bright that you knew the sun could envied her.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “I told you, you were going to like her.” Iroh’s voice caught both of you out of guard and turned to him. A general smiling big still in his pajamas was standing in one of the halls. “Indirectly, I’m like cupid, am I not?” You fought against your impulse to burn him, Korra just giggled happily.

[paracosmic-murdock]

Tell me what are my words worth ; Benedict Bridgerton x Reader

Chapter 10: "Bridgerton, d'une façon ou d'une autre"

Pairing: Benedict Bridgerton x fem!reader

Summary: While the other ladies have grown with the mindset of marrying and having children, you, as the daughter of a man who wanted a son, grew up being both. You learnt how to embroider, play the pianoforte, fence and manage the estate. However, there were some things that not even the Duke of Burgundy could do, so after he passed and you thought there was nothing left for you, you decided to move to London for a while and go to the Royal Academy of Art.

Nothing was going to keep you from what you wanted, and you would do whatever it takes: you would lie to everyone, you would live to death, you would pretend to be a man. You had a plan and it would be a piece of cake for you. But again, when has something that she wants and should not do easy for a woman? Especially when a man like Benedict Bridgerton gets in the way in more ways than one.

Warnings/tags: idiots in love, eventual smut, love triangles (but not really), lgbtq+ themes, bisexual benedict bridgerton, feminist themes, historical inaccuracy (for the sake of the plot), inspired by mulan (1998), song: the lakes (taylor swift), other tags to be added

Chapter summary: Not a soul showed up to the Bridgerton Ball, but thankfully, the red dress you promised Benedict he would love did not go to waste.

Word count: 2.1K

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"Oh, my Lord."

Colin and Anthony looked in the same direction as Benedict, his eyes fixated on you just arriving at the ballroom with your arm locked with Eloise's.

"Seriously, Benedict, you could have-" Colin's complaint was cut short by his brother's disappearance.

"You look breathtaking, my heart."

You smiled, feeling your cheeks burn. "Thank you, Benedict. You look quite alluring."

"You two are disgusting." Eloise rolled her eyes.

"... gotten any lady you wanted but decided to get her." Colin completed his sentence, only for the eldest Bridgerton to hear.

"When will you get over this, Brother?" Anthony questioned.

The younger brother scoffed. "When will you apologize to her, Brother?"

"I've tried." Anthony rolled his eyes.

"Not enough, apparently!" Colin exclaimed. "I cannot comprehend what your problem with her is either."

"She is very insistent on marrying Benedict, which seems quite suspicious to me."

"Suspicious why? What do you think she is hiding?"

"She could be with child and desperate to marry, needs money-"

Colin gave his brother an amused grin. "Did you not hear she owns the Palace of Versailles? Did you not know she owns the most prosperous winery in Burgundy? Like, three palaces, mansions, mines in the Americas, properties all throughout France? And how could she be with child? She's a fine lady. I do not understand how you can think that."

"You never know, Brother," Anthony sighed. "She has a cousin who is the lord of the house. Perhaps he kicked her out and she-"

"If that were the case, how could you even consider forbidding Benedict to marry her, knowing she is alone in the world?" Colin inquired. "Are you really that heartless?"

"I do not want our brother to end up like that."

He shook his head. "I can think of a hundred fates worse than living the luxurious life of a duke, Anthony, just… leave her alone. Look at them!"

Anthony did as Colin told him, looking at how annoyed Eloise seemed as you and Benedict talked and shared loving glances.

"Benedict had doubts, is what I mean to say."

Colin shook his head. "I believe that having doubts is common for someone like Benedict, who has never shown any interest in marrying. Now he does, I do not find that strange."

Anthony did not say a word.

"Red is certainly your color," Benedict whispered when Eloise had finally had enough of you two and left. "How perfect my future wife looks in red."

You felt your face go warm. "Good God, do not say that, Benedict! Someone might hear you."

"I swear, as soon as we are in London I will get you the shiniest ring so I can scream to the world that you shall be my wife."

"I did not know you were so interested in marrying me." you teased him, making Benedict laugh.

"I cannot wait to show you off, for you to be mine."

"I believe I am already yours, my love."

He smirked. "I could dishonor you once more if you continue to say these things."

"Oh, Benedict Bridgerton… you certainly are head over heels."

He smirked. "Are you not?"

"I believe my eyes say more than my words ever could."

"To me, your words are worth more than all the gold in the world."

You felt warmth rush to your cheeks.

"Has… she published, Mama?" Eloise asked her mother, stealing your attention from Benedict and his from you.

"Indeed she has," Violet replied next to Lady Danbury, making everyone look at them: the Bridgertons, the Sharmas, you. "Now we may know why we are the only ones here."

Eloise took the paper from her mother and began reading it under curious, worried glances. Soon, she gave it back and ran away.

No one dared to follow her except for you.

"El! Eloise!" you screamed through the hallways. She closed the door, and you knocked as if your knuckles were unbreakable. "Eloise, open the door! It is me!"

She opened the door hesitantly and eventually let you in. Her eyes were red, and to be honest, you had never imagined you would see her crying.

You sighed, closing the door behind you and hugging her. She hugged you back, breaking down.

"El…, what did Lady Whistledown say?"

"Theo." she answered, and that was all you needed to know.

You guided her to her bed, and there you hugged her again. "I am so terribly sorry that this happened to you."

"I just… I keep on being a disappointment, do I not?"

"You reached that conclusion too fastly for my liking," You pursed your lips. "You are not a disappointment to absolutely anyone, Eloise. Do not think for a second the contrary."

"I should want what every lady wants. Even you want it: a husband, children, you… you are certainly an inspiring woman in my life, and even you want that. I- I felt something with him, but I still could not bear the idea of having to marry and be with child and…"

"Good thing you do not have to," you muttered. "And I did not want a husband, to be honest… Benedict was- he was unexpected. I was never looking for a husband, that was an excuse to be here, but when he came into my life, I suddenly wanted all of it…" you added, stroking her hair carefully to not ruin the coiffure. "What I mean is that you shouldn't assume that that is not the life you want for yourself, because marrying does not necessarily mean you will be a wife and a mother only: you can still be the independent, fun, amiable, and charming Eloise Bridgerton. You are not disappointing anyone by choosing to be your own person and be true to yourself."

She smiled lightly. "You have your way with words, do you not?"

You laughed. "As long as that makes you feel better, then I do."

"It does," She chuckled. "Do I have to face everyone now?"

"Not unless you feel comfortable doing so."

"I should."

You cleaned her tears with the blankets and gave her a comforting smile, standing up. "Shall we, my dearest Eloise?"

She snickered. "Yes."

Eloise and you intertwined your arms and returned to the ballroom, and soon everything was fine as if nothing had happened.

"I am afraid that we called it a tie."

You smirked. "I do recall that, my heart. Who must I dance with?"

"Lord Henderson did not attend," Benedict mentioned the old men in bankruptcy trying to court you, faking pity. "You will have to settle for me."

"You cannot imagine how much I wish that the moment in which I have no remedy but to keep only one dance partner comes very soon."

He smiled widely. "That makes two of us."

"May I have this dance, Mr. Bridgerton?"

"This, and every dance that follows." Benedict offered you his hand, and you took it.

You started dancing, and even though everyone was dancing all around you, it was you and him only.

Your whole world.

"I plan to travel in a couple of weeks, perhaps. I must discuss that with my grandfather," you answered. "And, of course, you are more than welcome to join us, Colin! As long as your brother Anthony permits you to travel overseas with a stranger."

Colin hid a laugh. "Of course I do not need Anthony's permission."

"It seems like everyone needs Anthony's permission these days."

You had returned from Aubrey Hall earlier that day, and Lady Danbury and the Sharmas had already gone back home. Right now, you and Colin were chatting in the sitting room, drinking whiskey, and talking about your plans for when you return to France.

"Are you asking me if Benedict needs Anthony's permission to marry you?"

"I sure hope none of you depend on Anthony's permission to exist."

He shook his head, finishing his second glass of whiskey. "I suppose Benedict might need Anthony's approval, but I most certainly do not!"

"What do you mean by that, Colin?" you questioned, knowing full well his intentions; though, in your mind, they were a joke.

"If Benedict doesn't propose, I shall be your husband."

You snorted. "You'll be my husband? Only because I will take you to the Americas or are you aware of my wish to visit Egypt once more and want to join?"

"That does count as a token of appreciation," Colin smiled, now joking. "My wife you will be."

"I shall get the Bridgerton last name one way or another."

Colin laughed loudly. "You know, my Grandmother's ring has an emerald in it, and according to Lady Whistledown, you are quite the enthusiast."

Neither of you noticed the intrusive presence in the sitting room, a presence that had arrived some time ago as she took notice of Eloise's return and wished to check on her after the latest Lady Whistledown issue.

Unbeknownst to either of you, she was listening to the latter part of the conversation, not catching the joke.

And she knew deep in her heart that you were a lady Colin would never give away. Unlike no other… A Duchess to be, well educated, polyglot, enchanting, artistic, diverting, kind, beautiful, intelligent. All she could never consider herself to be.

Oh, she was jealous.

"I certainly hope our children look like you," he said, pouring another glass of whiskey. "It's a good thing my Mother adores you above any other woman that there is. She surely would be disappointed if I marry someone that isn't you."

"Why do you say that? Is there anyone else in your mind?"

"I have grown fond of the French ladies, but my future wife has got to be a duchess. One that will take me to the Americas and Egypt and will let me take her to Greece and Italy," he added. "And one who wears yellow as well as you. You look ravishing in yellow, my Lady. Certainly, more beautiful than the sunrise, if I may add. No one manages to look as good in it as you do."

"I am thankful for your kind words, Mr. Bridgerton. You have gained your spot as my travel mate."

Penelope fought the tears piling up in her eyes, disappearing from the scene before Benedict joined you and Colin in the sitting room. Early enough to not notice the kiss the second Bridgerton so recklessly gave you.

The younger's jaw threatened to fall from his head. "You are not supposed to do that, Brother!"

"I cannot help myself," he confessed with a smirk, giving you a flirty smile. "She will be my wife soon anyway."

Colin rolled his eyes, finishing the glass of whiskey as Anthony joined you three in the room.

"Uh, may I speak to you, Lady Y/N?"

The effect of the alcohol made you drop an amused laugh. "Just Y/N. And yes."

Anthony shook his head. "Did you two get her drunk?"

"Do not look at me, I just got here." Benedict excused himself.

"Guilty!" Colin exclaimed, and you both laughed.

"Of course, you can speak to me, Anthony. In fact, I am so very happy to speak to you because I was hoping you could give me something I have wanted to have for a while."

He frowned in confusion. "What would that thing be?"

"Your brother Benedict's hand in sacred marriage."

The two younger Bridgertons accompanied you in laughter.

"I have already asked her to marry me, Brother, I wish to have your blessing."

"Before I say anything in regards to that," Anthony sighed. "I wish to apologize, Y/N, for my harsh attitude towards you. I admit it was inappropriate and that my discomfort with the situation was not related to you, I just reflected on my frustration with your and Benedict's relationship and I am sorry. I hope we can put all this situation behind us and pick up right where we left off."

"Of course, Anthony. If you ask me, our interactions two days ago never happened."

Anthony smiled. "Thank you," He nodded. "And you do not need my approval, but, by all means, you have it."

Benedict chuckled, taking your hand in his.

Dearest gentle reader,

It is with such shame that I break scandalous news about our very own Lady Y/N of Burgundy.

In an utterly unexpected and upsetting turn of events, many were fed off her lies as she dresses up like a man each day of the week and joins the men in the Royal Academy of Art, impersonating her nonexistent brother.

The ulterior motives of her secret adventures are still unknown, however, we do know that she is certainly still looking for a husband.

Don't you, dear reader, think that now she will not have it as easy?

[ryverbind]

Faceless Fixation {Sal Fisher}: Bringing Vi to Life [2]

I watch Sally walk out of the door, trying to hold it together until his messy blue hair turns around a corner and finally leaves my field of vision.

How did this even happen?

The streets of LA are bustling and, still, all I can think of is his black clad figure—the only color on him being the sapphire shade of his hair—walking through and between people. But everyone else was just a shadow beside him. Zooming figures in my way. Blurs with no soul and no purpose but to burden others.

He's long gone now. Michael walked in just minutes after Sally disappeared. I'm forced to pretend that I'm ignoring the phenomena that just occurred as I wait tables and deal with customers that mean nothing to me.

Every inch of me burns to call Ash and quiz her about Sally's surprise visit. My muscles tense up in excitement when I think about it and my head throbs with tons of ways to tell her about what happened. My lips are chewed up and bloody, no doubt, just because I've been worrying over this since he walked through the door.

As much and as badly as I want to call Ash, I know that I can't. She would tell Sally that we met, for one. That's the last thing I want. Even if I asked her not to tell him, I'd be putting her in a compromising position if Sally and I were to ever meet as our real selves rather than this Lexi character that I created.

I'll just keep what happened today to myself. I don't ever have to tell anyone. It's my business anyway. I'll just deal with the consequences if it ever comes out that Lexi and y/n are the same person, which it will come out. With Ash, Larry, Todd, and I's friendship, we're bound to meet up again at some point. Not to mention, I'm planning on trying out this streaming thing soon.

Mine and Sally Face's meeting is fate no matter what fake name I come up with.

My day is boring and cruel. All I do is think about Sally's guitar pick hanging around my neck and the warmth in his bright blue eyes. I remember the way he complimented me, the way his ears turned pink with embarrassment, and all of the nice conversations we shared during his short stay in the diner. I still can't truly believe it happened. I'm honestly... mind blown.

I'm closing up tonight. It's about a quarter to ten and Michael is sweeping around tables as I count up all the money we made today. We close at ten, so we might as well finish our extra responsibilities now. Usually, customers are beginning to finish up at this time. We hardly ever have anyone walk in.

"Alright, y/n," Michael sighs, standing near the front door with his broom in hand. "I'm going put this up then I'll be heading out. You need any help closing this place?"

I smile at him. "No, don't worry about it! I shouldn't be much longer. I'll see you tomorrow."

Michael grins, pulling his apron over his head. "Awesome. See you bright and early."

He disappears into the back, then leaves out the front door just a minute or so later. So I wipe down the counters around me.

It's been a long day and I've been under a considerable amount of stress compared to other days. I'm so tired that I almost feel sick—I have a pounding headache and achy limbs. I almost want to skip work tomorrow and just take a day to myself—but taking a day to myself means losing a pretty $100 for bills at the end of the month. I'd rather not risk that, especially since I only work five hours tomorrow. What's the point of staying home if I won't be out too long anyway?

The bell on the front door jingles with a new customer and I almost groan out loud. I lean down, looking at my phone. We close in three minutes—why would someone do that?

As per my boss's request, if anyone walks in before closing, we have to sit them down and get what they need. I get it in a way, but for other workers like me who have taken a full day's shift, that's tough.

"I'll be right with you!" I say sweetly, scrubbing a spot on the counter despite my aggravation over having a new customer. I'm just ready to get home.

"No worries. Take your time."

I look up in a panic, making eye contact with a sweet, smiling gaze. Do my eyes deceive me? Even if they do, my heart surely wouldn't. It's beating so quickly that it almost hurts. And the sudden butterflies in my stomach make a queasy feeling slam into me.

I take a moment to reply, glancing over Sally who's randomly decided to show up again.

His hands are in the pockets of his black Larry merch hoodie, hiding away the edges of the beautiful tattoo I got to touch earlier. And as always, I can't see his face, but I can tell that he's at ease. Just enjoying his night and perfectly okay with waiting an eternity for me to get to him. Must be nice to not be in a rush all the time.

I gape at him for a moment, then blink. Quickly fixing my posture, I let a little smile pull at my lips as I walk closer to him. "Hey, Sally," I say a little nervously. His name is odd to hear but feels perfect leaving my lips. I can't even remember why I hated this guy at first. What did he say again?

"Hey, Lexi," Sally excitedly says, taking a step closer and leaning his weight against the counter. His hands never leave his pockets. "Sorry to come in so late. I won't be long, just wanted to come talk to you."

I tilt my head curiously, laying my washcloth on the counter. "What about?" I ask.

"Well, it sounds a lot better in my head." He laughs, finally removing a hand to push it through his hair. "Honestly, I'm considering just... saying something else. I don't talk to people often so this is..." he motions between us awkwardly then turns away, looking over at the front door.

I hum, biting the inside of my cheek. His words strike a bit of fear in my heart. Part of me wonders if, somehow, he found out about my real identity. But I know that's next to impossible, especially since Larry, Ash, and Todd haven't gotten a picture of me in years. "I mean, you can say anything. We're just two people in a judgement free zone. I'll never know what you were going to say either if you decide to say something else." I shrug, offering him a sweet smile.

Sally takes a shaky breath. "Yea, you're right. That's why I respect you, though. So, I might as well just do what I came here to do."

I shrug, pinching my fingertips in hopes to quell my anxiety a bit. "Up to you."

He turns his head, azure eyes meeting mine. His gaze slowly travels over every inch of me before they settle on my eyes again. Then, he sighs, resting his elbows on the counter behind him. His hoodie sleeve rides up his arm a bit, showing off an inch or two of the geometric, entrancing tattoos on his arm.

Drool.

"Can I have your number?" He forces out after a moment. He tilts his head nervously. "Like, I don't want to tell you I just want a good friend to talk to." Sally's voice is giggly, like he's extremely anxious. "I mean, I do want a good friend to talk to and you're a really awesome person. But I also would like to talk to you as more of a friend—" He pauses for a moment, then flinches, pulling his hands out of his hoodie in a flash. "But not like a hook-up kind of thing, I mean more of something that could turn into like a relationship over time." He sucks in a breath. "But you don't have to—"

I snort before I can hold it back. A hand automatically slaps over my mouth in shock and I feel bad for giggling. I pull my hand away just as quickly as it went up. "Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh. Your explanation was just... really cute." I giggle again. Why am I calling him cute? "Yea, you can have my number. I think you're amazing."

I wish I'd have thought about my response. It came naturally, even quickly like the words had their own nerves, cells, and ideas. I'm jealous of their confidence. At the same time, I truly wish I could take them back because how the fuck am I supposed to get away with my secret now?

But I don't worry about it too much because the excitement reflected in Sally's eyes is just worth it. Any fear or resentment I had left for him melts away and I wish to see his pretty smile more than anything.

I give him my phone number with no reservations for a moment, watching him type it into his phone. He brushes a strand of light blue hair from his eyes then looks up at me, tucking his phone into his back pocket.

"Thanks," he says. "Sorry if that seemed kind of weird. But, uh, I'll text you later?"

"Yea, that sounds good." I smile at him, pulling my apron over my head and setting it down on the counter beside me. My heart races a bit at the thought of him leaving already, but I know it has to happen.

"Alright," Sally says, chuckling softly. He just kind of stares at me for another moment, eyes flitting over my features before he glances down. 

I swallow thickly when his hand is suddenly in front of me. I flinch at the brush of his cold fingertips on my collarbone. My brain is overloaded as I gaze down at his hand, wondering what on earth possessed him-- when I notice the guitar pick between his fingertips.

It's extremely hard to ignore my heated skin and flushed cheeks while I watch him flip the pick between his index finger and thumb, his skin brushing against my chest with each slight, subtle movement.

"Didn't think you'd wear it," he murmurs. "I'm happy to see it."

When I look up, I'm sent into an endless night sky just upon simply gazing into his powerful blue eyes. The gold flecks littering his iris' look like stars lighting up the piercing blue that takes up my entire life for a moment. 

He's a lot closer than I imagined he'd be, so we both get lost in each other for a moment-- that much is noticeable. 

"It means... a lot to me." I say shakily, finding my small smile again. I'm still shocked by our unexpected proximity and, fuck, his absolutely gorgeous eyes.

I wish I could see his smile when he takes a step away from me and giggles lightly, a light pink dusting his ears and neck. "That's sweet of you. Anyway, I'll get going. I have a flight to catch early in the morning. Um, and I'll probably be playing with everyone tonight, so..." He tilts his head down, shaking his shoulder length hair away from his prosthetic face, but he still never looks back to me.

Compared to how much hate I felt toward Sally just a day ago, I actually feel quite infatuated with him now. He is so amazing. I shouldn't have jumped the gun. Maybe he heard something bad about me and that's why he was so hostile towards y/n. Maybe it's a misunderstanding that we'll have to talk about at some point. I'd prefer that over him just hating me because I'm... me.

"Oh, of course," I say cheerily. "Don't let me keep you, I was just about to close up anyway." Even though he's the one who walked into my diner and I am in no way holding him hostage. "It was so nice meeting you again." The more I talk, the more rushed it sounds and the more frantic I feel. "Thank you for being so kind to me. I'm happy to have connected with you." What the fuck am I saying?

Sally lets out a hearty laugh, patting my shoulder amusedly. But he keeps his hand there. "You sound like I did when I first walked in, Lexi." Oh, true. I'm not y/n at the moment. "Relax. I'm really happy we met, too. I'm looking forward to seeing where we can take our friendship."

I can feel the chill in his hands seeping through my thin shirt and the tightening of his fingertips on my shoulder. The same heat from earlier returns to my cheeks before he finally pulls away. "See you, Lexi!" Sally calls as he walks away and towards the front door.

I lean onto my tiptoes, waving to him. "Bye, Sally." The door closes and a weight that didn't exist just milliseconds ago drops onto my shoulders like 12,000 overweight cats. 

The reason I say cats is because the weight is very welcome (who doesn't love chunky kitties?) but it's also incredibly hard to hold up. I love the situation I've found myself in regarding Sally Face, but then again, he hates the true me but seems to enjoy this fake character I created out of fear. 

So, like, yea! Sally Face is totally into me, but he's going to catch me in a lie then hate me even more than he already does. 

He can dig my grave and spit on it too if he wants. Can't change my fuck up. I'm here and either way, shit's crazy at the moment. I might as well be crazy with the shit.

And then there's the fact that I gave him my phone number. There are so many issues with that stupid decision and I don't even want to think about the full list, but some reasons include, but are not limited to:

1.) Ash could totally match my phone number with the one I gave Sally.

2.) Did I forget to mention that I gave him a fake name?

3.) He fucking hates my guts.

4.) He's going to end up hating Lexi too because I highly doubt I'll ever be able to text him back after realizing what kind of shit-show I've become the main attraction in.

I could list so much more-- those are just a few.

Another happens to be my awful history with relationships. I'm not good at relationships. I've battled depression all my life, which just so happens to be part of the reason as to why my friends back in Nockfell haven't even seen a photo of me since I was a teenager. 

I was diagnosed with depression at fifteen. Things took a bit of a turn for me quite quickly. I had been fine beforehand, then my parents got divorced and constantly traveling between their homes made it hard on me. I didn't enjoy anything anymore. Life felt like a chore. I slowly began to distance myself from my new friends, only texting Ash every few days. Sometimes, I'd even go weeks without messaging anyone. I'd just wait for night to come so I could sleep again. So I could dream.

I actually enjoyed school growing up simply because it got me out of the house and kept me busy-- it was the only time that I didn't think about how fucking tired I was of living. 

So I've been taking antidepressants for about six or so years now. Life improved for me once I began taking medicine to help me out. I had a few boyfriends who introduced me to many things, but ultimately left my tiny little heart bruised and broken. 

Relationships never work for me. I've been cheated on, mentally and physically abused, and betrayed. Maybe it's trauma, maybe it's bad luck. Either way, I don't want to end up like my parents. I'm perfectly fine with living the rest of my life without ever having a significant other.

So Sally Face's phone number will be sent to my text-message purgatory when and if he decides to text me one day.

I grab all of my things and start walking back to my apartment. Dad should be home by now. He works all day and sometimes has to stay at hotels depending on where he is in California at the time, but he told me he'd be close by today.

By the time I make it to our apartment door, I can hear mine and Dad's favorite band playing. The sound is lightly muffled by our door, but I wouldn't mistake this band for the world. 

One of the things that got me through my couple years of undiagnosed depression was Breaking Benjamin. Dad showed me the band one day and my young brain fell in love with the sound, the instrumentals, and the lyrics. I have been obsessed with them since I was a teenager and a dream of mine is to finally see them in concert when I have the money to do so.

In fact, I have some of their lyrics tattooed on the left side of my chest, right over my ribs.

An excited smile builds on my face as I throw my front door open, instantly making eye contact with Dad in the kitchen. He waves a little spatula around, grinning at me.

"I know it's late, but--" He tiptoes over to me, speaking in a sing-song voice. "I made pancakes and bacon!"

The lyrics of my favorite song from their Phobia album, Unknown Soldier, quietly plays through our apartment with the sweet smell of warm pancakes to accompany the melody. Our balcony doors are open, letting in the sound of honking cars and laughter from the city below. It's dark out, probably about ten thirty in the evening. I can see all kinds of lights in the distance with just one glance.

My phone starts vibrating in my pocket and a squeak falls from my lips as my momentary bliss is interrupted. My heart thunders against my chest. Fuck, what if it's Sally calling me? I'll decline it. Instantly.

Gosh, I don't want to look at my phone. It's going to be so hard to decline the call mainly because I truly don't want to. In all honesty, I'd love to see where things could go with Sally but I'm in too deep with this lie and I don't trust my luck with relationships. He and I just shouldn't be. 

I watch my father for a moment, who raises an eyebrow at me before glancing at my noisy pocket. "You gonna get that, Ducky?" he asks.

Dad's old nickname for me always calms me down a bit. He only uses it if he can tell I'm nervous and need some kind of calm. It's a reminder of simpler times and he knows how much the name means to me. "I don't know. I'm kind of scared," I answer him honestly.

"Want to talk about it?" He asks, lifting up a full plate of pancakes.

I smile, finally growing the balls to pull my phone out of my pocket. I hold my breath and look down at the screen.

Oh, thank God. It's just Ash. 

The call ends before I can answer, so I make a mental note to call her back after I talk to my dad. 

"I met this guy and... it's a little complicated but I gave him my number. I don't really want him to call me," I murmur, locking my phone and putting it back in my pocket.

Dad snorts. "You know how that sounds right? You gave a guy your number but you don't want to talk to him?"

I roll my eyes. "Okay, yea. It sounds ridiculous, but like I said, it's a complicated situation that I really don't want to get into tonight. I have some things I need to do with Ash."

"Whatever you need, Ducks. I'm here to talk if you want. How is Ash, by the way? She and the guys still doing that online stuff?" Dad asks, stuffing a pancake into his mouth.

I hum, walking into the kitchen and grabbing a pancake for myself. Yes, I do eat them like a normal human-- on a plate with syrup, but I want to get with Ash as soon as possible so I'll be fine with just a plain pancake for now. "Yea. I'm actually going to try it out soon, too. They're really popular and making a lot of money. Look up Ash Campbell on Google."

Dad's brows furrow as he munches on a slice of bacon. "You're kidding." He pulls his phone out, squinting his eyes as he types. Then, his eyes widen and he hums. "Net worth $780,000. That's crazy." 

"Yea," I sigh, dusting my hands off over the sink. "You should see Larry and Todd, too."

"I'll go look them up now, hun. You let me know how that online stuff goes. I'm hoping it works for you." Dad sends me a smile then turns back to his phone.

I smile back and begin walking to my room as Anthem of the Angels by Breaking Benjamin comes on-- that's dads favorite song.

The sweet sound of instrumentals and a beautiful voice follows me through our apartment as I grab some clothes to change into. The music I grew up with fills me with a sense of nostalgia, taking me back to a place where everything was easy. I wasn't doing the same thing every single day. I wasn't living paycheck-to-paycheck. I wasn't on my feet all the time and hoping I made enough tips to pay my credit card bill for the month. 

It's nice to go back in time every once in a while, even if it's only through music.

When I walk into my bedroom, I grab comfy clothes then head over to my bathroom.

I pull my phone out again, clicking on the notification of Ash's call from five minutes ago. My phone rings for a singular second before a sharp shriek bursts my ear drums.

I flinch, covering my ears and quickly turning down the speaker. I'm sure my dad heard that.

"Y/n!" Ash exclaims. "I was kinda worried you wouldn't call back because I really want to ask you something but like I need and answer now--"

With a nervous giggle, I slowly remove my hands from my ears and pull my dirty work shirt over my head. "Sorry about that, I was just getting home and talking to Dad. Whatcha got for me, babe?"

Ash giggles maniacally, sending alarm bells off in my head. "Okay so how would you feel about jumping online with me and the boys tonight?"

I blink, my eyebrows slowly furrowing as gears turn in my head. She means all the boys. Sally Face told me he was going play with them not twenty minutes ago.

Am I ready for a step like that, especially after just having jumped a hurtle with him? Probably not. But I might as well just get the hard part of introducing myself over with, right?

Maybe he'll like this version of me like he likes Lexi. One can only hope.

"Um," I quietly murmur, chewing on my bottom lip. I'm nervous. I know nothing about streaming and it's been ages since I've used my voice to speak with Larry and Todd. But I'll have to try it out sooner or later anyway, right? Why not get it over with now? 

I ponder over the idea for a moment longer before finally saying, "I'll do it. Just don't tell anyone who I am-- not Larry, Sally Face, or Todd. Larry would spill the beans immediately."

Ash laughs sweetly. "You're so right about Larry," she says before squealing. "I'm so excited. This'll be so fun! I'm going to help you set everything up and explain how to record your videos and post and set up your microphone and all of that good stuff!"

I let out a shaky breath, a small smile pulling at my lips. "Sounds good. I don't have a good mic right now, though." 

"That's okay!" Ash says while I put on some sweatpants. "We'll figure that out with time. For now, go turn on your shit!!"

"Yes ma'am!" I chirp, saluting the air even though Ash can't see. I open the door and slide out of the bathroom with my socks and veer around a corner to my bedroom. "What are we playing?" I ask as I grab my headset and power it on. I have some experience with parties of people. Ash and I have played together plenty of times.

"We're playing Among Us on PC." I can hear some clicking from Ash's end of the line. "I just sent you an invite to join our channel on Discord. We'll start a VC from there."

I tilt my head, turning on my computer and widening my eyes. "What the hell is VC?"

Ash sighs, clicking her tongue. "My poor, sweet, technology deficient y/n."

"Hey," I murmur, pursing my lips as I pull up my new Discord account and log in. I see the invite, so I accept it, immediately being met with a few immediate messages between Larry and Todd.

"Someone has to tell you the truth!" Ash says matter-of-factly. "Anyway, the boys are probably pretty active right now. Todd and Larry have been bugging me about starting the VC."

"Will you finally tell me what a VC is, Ash?" I ask frantically upon noticing Larry's messages as they come in.

LARBEARAWR: dude who tf is VioletViolence

LARBEARAWR: did we get hacked

LARBEARAWR: do we need 2 start a new channel again

Todd comes in next, his texting style exactly the same as it was and has always been.

T0DDLES12: Idk, man. I wouldn't be surprised if someone found us out by now.

T0DDLES12: VioletViolence, who are you? Has someone hacked us and invited you?

I nearly choke on air when Sally Face pops into the cat. I'm horrified of things going wrong within just a few minutes of us officially meeting. Not to mention, him seeing me as a hacker isn't a good way for me to scoot into the group.

SALLYFʌCɜ: why the fuck would you talk to the hacker

"Oh... Ash they are going crazy. Please say something," I whisper with shaky breaths as panic and anxiety begin to settle in the pit of my stomach.

"Shit, I forgot to tell them about you. Hold on," She says quickly, her soothing voice taking a harsh edge as the sound of her quick typing echoes in my room. "Fuck, what do I tell them?"

"Uh," I wave my hands around and look around my room for something to help me come up with an excuse. All I find is a collection case of every season of Friends-- but it does give me a little idea. It's the best I've got. "Tell them that I'm your cousin's friend?"

I hear some more typing and a quick breath of relief, then Ash's message pops up. 

ASHYPOOO<;3: VioletViolence is my cousin's friend! Just trying to help her get on her feet :P She's a big fan and looking for a job. She has experience with gaming too so she's not a newb or anything

Unfortunately, at least for me, Sally responds immediately and the outcome is not looking very good.

SALLYFʌCɜ: ash wtf

SALLYFʌCɜ: we don't do new people

SALLYFʌCɜ: especially people we don't know

Ash scoffs over the phone and I peel my attention away from my computer screen, blinking away sudden tears. It's just because I'm really anxious, but I don't want to break down over something so ridiculously trivial.

But, as always, I'm lying to myself. 

I hate that a big part of my life is constant lies. Some of them are little white lies, things I've said for years. I'm fine. I had a good day. I ate lunch. But these recent lies are getting complicated and I keep coming up with and acting on them even though I know it's going to fuck me up in the near future. 

Karma's gotten my ass before. No doubt that it'll happen again. And this time is going to be awful.

"He's such a little ass. Always worried about bringing new people into the group. You're our first test trial, y/n." Ash sighs. Wow. Great. Can't wait. "If you look at the channels, you should see a section called Voice Channels. Click on the first one there and that's how we'll talk-- also, that's what VC means."

"Finally," I snicker, following her directions. "Okay, I'm in." I'm the only one in the voice call, clearly since I can't hear anyone else. 

"Awesome!" She chirps. "Now open up that screen recording app I told you about, log in, then press record. I'm going to hang up, but I will see you again in the VC in just a moment."

"Sounds good. Don't use my name, Ash," I mumble, focusing on setting up the recording app. 

Before I start recording, I wait for Ash to promise that she won't use my legal name, then I press record and go back to Discord.

Ash is online with me a moment later, then Larry right behind her.

"I'm cowering in a corner, Ash," Larry whispers. The sound of his voice in real time makes a beaming smile and excited shivers take over my body. "Who's this chick?"

I can't help but let a little giggle out at his amusing introduction. 

"Oh?" Larry's voice seems to perk up a bit. "A hot chick with a cute laugh?"

There it is. I roll my eyes and finally speak. "Hey, Larry," I start carefully. "I'm a big fan. Nice to meet you. Ash tells me a lot about you guys." I'm playing the role perfectly, I think.

An unflattering, hilarious, garbled sound comes from Larry's line. "Well, the pleasure is all mine, little lady." He chuckles a bit, drawling out some mumbles and poking fun at Ash. "So like, what's up with you?"

I struggle to hold back little laughs as I sit down in my chair and lean back. "Um." I shut my mouth when I realize I have nothing to tell him. What am I supposed to say for now? "Err--"

"She's from... Connecticut! She's... twenty-one and struggling with her job as... a bank-teller. She wanted to try something else so I offered to help her out." Ash saves the day and comes up with a lie so random and absurd that it sounds believable.

"Oh, cool. What's it like... counting numbers in Connecticut, little lady?"

"Larry, stop calling her 'little lady,'" Ash's thunderous, agitated voice makes me flinch away from my computer.

Larry gasps, feigning offense. "Gosh, fine, fuck, whatever, Ash! Just trying to be nice!"

"So this VioletViolence is not a foe?" Todd's deep voice makes another smile quirk my lips.

"I'm a friend, I promise." I laugh lightly. "It's nice to meet you, Todd. I've been watching you for a while."

"Pleased to make your acquaintance, VioletViolence," Todd formally and sweetly welcomes me. "Your name is quite a mouthful. We'll have to find a nickname for you."

I hum in response, thinking it over. "You're right. It's a bit much." I don't quite know how to shorten it down, though. We'll just stick with this for now I suppose.

I don't have time to prepare myself when Sally suddenly pops into the voice channel. I simply suck in a breath as his livid voice fills my ears. "Ash," he says angrily, "our agreement is to never let randos into the group, so why the fuck is this person here? And no, I couldn't give a shit less if this insignificant fan that you found online is witnessing this right now."

All of the memories I have of Sally crack. Just one more slip up and I'll forget them all. What is his problem with almost every version of me and why is 'Lexi' an exception?

"Sal, stop acting like that! I've met this person many, many times and I trust her. Stop being a dick. She's a fan of ours and she's practically family to me," Ash sticks up for me, arguing aggressively with Sally.

"You think I care? This is just a repeat of whatever went on with that y/n chick. I swear that bitch's aura follows me around every turn. I even heard her fucking name today. Now I have to deal with another?" Sally scoffs into his mic, his voice growing dangerously low and hostile.

I know he didn't just refer to me as a bitch.

I wince. He heard the right y/n's name today. He also met her-- but he doesn't need to know that. So what's his deal, then? Is he just overprotective of his group?

I jump into the conversation before Ash and Sally can argue any further. "Um, hey, Sally Face." My voice is soft and shaky. Anyone would be able to tell that I'm horrified. "I'm sorry if you feel that I'm impeding. I won't cause trouble and you guys never have to play with me again. I'm actually a big fan of yours--"

"I don't fucking care. I do not want you here," Sally's sharp, straight-to-the-point tone makes me flinch in my seat for what feels like the hundredth time tonight.

"Stop it, Sally. We don't need you being an ass, man. Come on," Larry tries to diffuse the situation, his voice a bit disappointed but soft, consoling even. "I'm gonna start recording so watch the shit you say. Be nice to Vi. She's just looking for a kickstart."

"There!" Todd exclaims. He sounds excited. "There's the nickname! Yes, that works great!"

A smile settles onto my lips again. I thought I'd lost it for good because of Sally, but Larry found a nickname for me.

Larry laughs, followed by Ash. Then he starts with his intro into his stream followed by Ash, Todd, and Sally. I just kind of sit there for a moment, waiting.

"Vi!" Larry's overexcited and comforting voice calls my nickname. I sit up, paying close attention to what he says next. "I'd like to introduce you to The Faces! Everyone, this is VioletViolence. She will be joining our game of Among Us today. I've heard some pretty good things about her skill, so let's see what she's got!"

The Faces. The group that consists of Ash, Larry, Todd, and Sally. I never thought I'd be included, even if it is just for one video.

"You heard him," Ash says. "Vi, why don't you tell us a bit about yourself?"

"Or we can just start the game?" Sally says, tone biting and dangerous. He's putting up a barely held up front for his viewers.

The crack in my new view of him finally breaks apart. My opinion of him is just as vile as it was before I met him in person and it takes a lot of willpower to stop myself from snapping at him.

"Well, I'd like to learn more about VioletViolence and it seems like my viewers would as well. They're wondering if your Twitch account is VioletViolence as well, by the way, Vi," Todd says, turning attention to me.

"Oh, yes!" I sit up quickly, pushing down the blush on my cheeks. "My Twitch account is VioletViolence, but I'm not streaming there at the moment. I'll be posting a video from tonight somewhere. Maybe Youtube."

"Okay, everyone seems to be looking forward to your video. If you need any help with Twitch, let us know," Todd sweetly says.

"Thanks, I appreciate it," I reply.

"So, tell us some fun facts, Vi!" Ash says excitedly. "What's your favorite color? Favorite movie? You know, just so we can get to know you!"

Smiling brightly, I settle into my seat and navigate my way around the loading screen of Among Us while I talk. "Well, my favorite color is actually violet. I love dark colors, especially purple. Um, my favorite movie is Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween. Big fan of Mike Myers."

"Yuck, Sally loves those movies, too! I hate horror," Ash giggles, fake-gagging. 

Laughing, I think about how lucky I am to have Ash before I talk again. I'll never have a friend as generous and loving as she is. "Makes sense. You're pink and upbeat. You know I had a goth moment growing up."

I feel like I'm going to vomit when I realize I've slipped up, but Ash saves me again. "Oh, true! I forgot to tell everyone, but Vi and I know each other! She's a family friend."

Thank the stars. Ash deserves love and success to last a lifetime.

"What kind of music do you listen to?" Larry asks, giving me some scary deja vu from earlier today. I guess I have to come up with a different answer from what I told Sally.

"I really like rock. My favorite band is Breaking Benjamin! I'd love to see them in concert one day." I keep my voice light and comfortable, pretending to be something I'm not.

"Oh, cool! I like Breaking Benjamin. They're pretty rad. I love the Celtic symbol they use as a logo," Larry says, sounding like he's genuinely interested. "Don't the members have the logo tatted on their wrists?"

I chew my lip, lifting my legs and holding them to my chest as I twirl back and forth in my chair. "Yea, as far as I know. I have their lyrics tattooed on my side, actually. I guess that's another fun fact."

"Oh, so you have tattoos, too? That's hot as fuck, bro." Larry starts giggling like a little schoolgirl. At that exact moment, I get a few notifications on my phone from Twitch and Youtube. All new subscribers. Shit.

"Only one for now," I say with a little laugh. "It says, 'Empty and perfect, shattered and worthless. Sober and silent, faded and violent. Never surrender, out of the embers.'" I debate on whether I should give a little more information about myself. "It's from the first song I ever heard by them called Never Again. It really stuck with me, I felt like I could relate."

"Those are some deep lyrics," Todd says. "Is that where you got your username from? The 'faded and violent' part?"

I'm shocked Todd noticed that, especially since I didn't notice it. "No, I've never realized it until you said that. I guess it was fate, huh?"

"That's so cute! I love how everything always ties together in the end," Ash says, her sweet voice making me grin. 

"Getting lyrics tattooed is kind of basic. You should've gotten something else." Sally's words are murmured and I can almost feel his nonchalant shrug like I'm doing it myself. 

"And being an asshole is really old," I fire back, letting my foot fall from my chair so I can bounce my leg. I'm really starting to get fed up with this guy.

Ash sighs. "Here we go."

Sally Face snorts, unamused by my retort. "You asked for the asshole side of me when you jumped in on what I do for a living. I don't even know you. None of us do."

"Ever heard of socializing?" I ask, tilting my head. "It's not impossible. It's not a bad thing either. I'm not going to steal your heat, man."

"You wouldn't be able to take any of my heat regardless," Sally laughs heartily. "I'm just ready for you to go back to what you were before we met-- insignificant."

For the first time since talking to him as VioletViolence, I smile at his words and I mean it. It's not forced, it found its way onto my lips of its own accord. No fighting, no issues. I embrace the smile because I know I'm an even match for Sally Face, and perhaps that's why he's already so upset over my existence.

I'm going to beat him at his own game.

My reply is instant. "You're not the only person in existence, you shrimp-dicked fuck nugget. Have some respects for others around you."

I start a new game of Among Us, feeling refreshed and rejuvenated as I finish our little argument with, "I win."

---------------------------

A/N:::::: I KNOW. THIS WAS LONG AWAITED AND I APOLOGIZE!!! Part of the reason as to why I haven't posted in a bit is because this story is still fresh to me! I have a general idea of how I want it to go, but finding and picking out directions for the plot is a bit hard! I'm still figuring out the content of chapters and what I'll do next. I'm also still getting used to writing smut and taking my time to learn how to write it better so I can give you guys the best that I can. We're still at the start, so hold onto the 'oh-shit-handle' and get ready for the ride! 

As always, I love you all with my entire heart. Sweet dreams/daydreams <3333

[quiet-nocturne]

ohhh for the writing ask meme how about 11, 20, and 28?

oooh, thank you for the ask!! ok, so: 11. Three tropes that are fine but overrated. honestly, I love a lot of tropes (lol @ myself, earlier, looking through a list of tropes and desperately scrolling to find one I don't love - like literally give me a soulmark au anyday), but the ones that aren't my favorites are: 1. Regency/Royalty AUs - I love, love period dramas, but often I feel like when fics are written with this trope, the characters feel totally off for me. There's not a lot in the royai fandom, but definitely in some other ones I've been in. 2. Virgin!fics - I just don't consider it to be all that accurate (for royai, anyway - it could definitely work more for other fandoms/pairings, depending). Like, even for Riza, I really don't think her back tattoo prevented her from having sex at least once (excluding/before Roy) - in my opinion, anyway! I find general inexperience is more fun to play with then straight up virgin fics. 3. major character death - I will usually avoid reading something involving this, because it usually makes me big sad. :( not that it can't be well done, butttt yeah haha. I love some good angst, but I don't enjoy when it's too angsty. also for royai, I'm like... at least let them have some happiness, jeez?

but honestly, any trope can be cool and interesting depending on how the writer does it! and, like, whatever floats your boat, ya know? 20. Do you work on a single project or many at the same time? How does that work for you? okay, so this depends on my mood, and current wip hyperfixation, but generally I do enjoy working on multiple at once. it's nice to be able to switch between projects when you get stuck... but sometimes it's also nice to focus on one thing.

28. Any writing advice that works for you and you feel like sharing?

so writing advice can be very... self-specific, if that makes sense? i find a lot of writing advice out there that's supposed to be geared towards anyone sometimes doesn't always work for everyone. but! a few things that I find helpful for myself are: 1. don't believe the voice in your head telling you that your writing is awful - that is the devil talking, lol. let it sit for a bit, and come back, and I promise that it'll be better when you're reading it using a different mindset. it's happened to me so many times where I'm like "this is fucking awful why did I ever write this" and then I reread it a few days/weeks/months later and I'm like "wait, this is actually good??" it just needs to simmer for a bit. 2. as stated earlier, let your writing sit for a bit, especially while editing, or trying to figure out transitions or plot holes. I'll get really frustrated with an issue sometimes, and believe it's impossible to fix - but mostly that's just me hitting a wall. if I let it sit for a while, and stop reading my own words for a bit (i basically get sick of my own writing lol), then suddenly a lot of the problems are a lot easier to solve. 3. keep a list of words/phrasing that you like - then you have a reference to look at when you're struggling with word choice. super helpful, as I often get stuck with descriptions, and then I have a nice little list to use as reference. 4. skip over stuff that you're struggling with in the initial writing process - can't think of a name? add it later! not sure how to describe something? skip it and come back! don't like your word choice? fix it later! basically don't fixate on small details, as it can always be added in later. this is why I always have to tell myself that editing is not as bad as I blow it up to be in my head, because honestly the best parts of my writing usually happen during the editing process.

i don't know how helpful those are, but yeah!

[eggtartz]

my hands needs to have self control, i just accidentally deleted the request someone asked that tr characters chilling at the beach 😭 whoever you are that requested this, this was so late gosh, i had a tough week and had a hard time to gather thoughts to write again but no worries. thankyou for requesting and enjoy 🫶🏻

: huge spoilers of the manga ❗

summer that year was hot, probably hotter than previous years but it wasn't minded at all. not when the whole toman members were gathering, in their hideout everyone giddy that their acting president, hanagaki takemichi was announcing he would finally marry the love of his life. mikey dramatically shed a tear while chifuyu actually sheds lots of tears.

everything has been planned from the wedding dress to the venue, the toman members insisted they were involved with everything and all held their breath for the upcoming today which was still far away, actually. more exactly, a year from then. but they were very excited and takemichi doesn't mind any of it.

"takemichi how do you want a bachelor party like?"

"uh, i don't mind really. as lon as everyone's there, it'll be fine"

"we should go to the beach!"

"don't you think it's too hot to got there? i'll get sunburn"

"you pea brain! it's not like we're just laying down under the sun! there's a hotel nearby, we should bring our booze and stay there"

"oi don't you think you're being a bad influence right now?"

"the beach it is!"

so the deliquents booked four rooms to share for like twenty people? yeah kokonoi didn't liked the arrangement at all. "who the hell booked these rooms heaven's sake i have money!"

"what the hell peh it's just three nights why are there three bags?!"

"my skincare is in there shut up"

they settled down that night while draken whipped out a projector to put on a movie, kakucho and izana was cooking while mitsuya helped. hakkai tried to help too but his hands keep getting burned so taiju (very scarily) told him to sit down and not help them. kisaki and hanma bought back more food from the store while baji complained about him being hungry.

"this feels nice" mikey said while looking at takemichi beside him. takemichi meekly smiled and nodded, happy and glad. while bickering is happening in the background, takemichi couldn't be happier that everyone was here, safe and sound.

"so im planning we go swimming tomorrow if the weather's good" draken said while munching on some popcorn, his eyes fixated on the projector. after a while, izana comes in with an apron and food on a tray and told everyone to eat up.

"sit down brother, you've done enough. the rest would do the dishes, you and kakucho can go and rest yeah?" mikey said while holding his half brother, izana still wiping his hand on his apron.

"yeah, thanks. OI HAITANI THATS HOT DONT SHOVE IT IN YOUR MOUTH" izana scrambled to rindou that was holding a cup of tea and took the cup to blow in it. "blow it like that, don't just drink it" rindou copied his actions and sipped it slowly, humming at the taste. ran who was supposed to take care of rindou was already knocked out on the floor, the others carefully trying not to step on him.

the night continued as some of the members after eating the whole hearted meal, knocked out on the floor not even bothering to grab a blanket or a pillow. they just, passed out there.

"damn izana, what did you even put in the food? they seem to very enjoy it" mitsuya said while covering their bodies with blankets that he found. "i don't know, it's a recipe from Filipino maybe that's why?"

"culture shock perhaps?" the two men giggled while struggling to cover the members on the floor. kazutora was drying the dishes that was passed by chifuyu who was doing the cleaning. inui was chatting with koko while the two of them were picking up crumbs from the floor.

a loud snore startled them, the source of sound from taiju. another loud snore was heard, now the sound came from mucho. the two had a snoring competition at who was the loudest, that the other members fled from the room and slept there.

the deliquents woke up at noon, none of them woke up early. they only woke up because shinichiro was knocking on the door to drop off some snacks. all of them in their swim trunks went to the beach, no doubt attracting some eyes.

"the chicks are happy to see my abs yeah"

"yeah, you wish hanma. it's me they're looking at" yeah, they had arguments after that and threw each other in the water. souya observed them from afar, comfortable in his ducky float that his brother insisted him to use. shion was literally drowning because sanzu kept dragging him back in the water but he stopped after getting a glare from mikey.

"what's the matter kenchin? don't want your hair to get wet?"

"shut up mikey, i forgot my conditioner. if i wash them now, my hair would be a mess"

"hey guys help me dump draken in the water!"

"what? fuck no!" draken's word died as kakucho grabbed his feet while mitsuya took his arm and tossed the man in the water. "fucking hell! you'll pay for that manjiro!"

"boo kenchin! you'll never catch me!" they did a lot of swimming, a lot of attempts of drowning each other too. the gang spent their whole evening there, only returning back to the hotel when it's late night. the next day, ran and rindou found a bar nearby and suggested them to 'raid' it.

so raid the bar they did.

it was very chaotic considering taiju instinctly became the only sober one that night. that night, mikey went up the bar and danced on the counter while being drunk. takemichi who was tipsy couldn't stop puking and ended up sleeping in the toilet. draken was outside, fighting a guy with hanma. kisaki and koko was on a table with some shady looking guys, having a little gambling. kakucho and rindou slept on the lounge, too drunk to even move. ran was flirting with all the girls he met, izana having to drag him so he won't get lost.

after a while, the members tried to drag their limp bodies to go back at the hotel some of them tripping on the way. some of them was piggyback. some of them couldn't stop puking and slurring incoherent words.

takemichi couldn't remember anything that night, he woke up the next morning with a migraine. but what he remembered that he had fun, and that was all that mattered.

[petalsthefish]

Hi! I really admire you as a fanfic writer, and I've recently started posting some work of my own on ao3. However, I've been getting some unsolicited critical comments and I'm really reconsidering my writing and posting. While I'm always happy if someone has something constructive to say to help me improve my writing, none of the comments have anything to do with that.

I was wondering if you had any advice on how you tend to deal with hate and criticism?

If not that's completely fine I just thought I'd ask, thank you for your amazing fics <3

Hi nonny! Thank you for sharing this with me, I know this must be hard and know how you’re feeling is totally valid! None of us ENJOY criticism, even if we say we do! Dealing with unsolicited criticism can be especially tough, especially when it feels unconstructive. Here are some things that have helped me:

Not all negative comments are helpful or worth your energy. It can be useful to identify whether feedback is constructive or simply mean-spirited. If it's the latter, it's okay to dismiss it as noise rather than something you need to engage with. Delete it, move on, and remember some people just like to be overly critical.

Remember that the people who appreciate your work are out there, even if they're quieter than the critics. It's easy to fixate on negative voices, but try to pay attention to supportive or thoughtful comments, no matter how few or how many. I tend to save my favorites in a file that tells me what I should focus on in my next fic. For example, with my last multi chapter everyone really liked that I had interwoven HP things like devilssnare into the AU. I know to use similar techniques in the next AU that I may or may not write!

It's perfectly okay to limit the space for critical comments, especially if they're not helping you grow. You can adjust comment settings on platforms like AO3, or take breaks from reading them until you feel ready. You can also vet the comments coming in.

At the end of the day, writing fanfic should be something that brings you joy. While feedback can be helpful, don't let it take away your motivation to tell stories that matter to you. All my favorite stories are my least popular ones. Write the stories so you can smile, and know at least one person out there will love it as much as you do.

Connecting with others who understand what you're going through, like fellow writers or supportive readers, can help balance out the negativity. They can offer encouragement and helpful advice. We have a discord, and I’m always open to reading fics and giving feedback!! (just be kind and patient with me as I can’t always get to it right away since I work three jobs).

Your writing has value, and it sounds like you’re already dedicated to improving your craft. Don’t let the discouraging voices or the critical flamers drown out your passion for storytelling ♥️

Lastly, I love you.

[hellfirestxnes]

Imagine Us

Chapter Two

eddie munson x f!reader

word count: 2.2k+

warnings: 18+, girl dad!eddie, mention of blood, flirting, divorce, custody battle, the girls call wayne grandpa (if there’s any tags missing, let me know please!)

notes: This isn’t edited! I also got some requests about people joining the taglist for this fic! You can fill out this taglist form here if you’d like to be added! Thank you for all of your support here on this ❤️

As the beginning of October comes and goes, you and Eddie share many lingering moments during drop off and pickup. You’ve discovered Laura only picks the girls up one Friday out of the month and every other day, Eddie is there between 3 o’clock and 3:15, ready to corral their giggling faces into the car and get them home for dinner. Usually, Eddie hangs around in the mornings if you’re helping another student. Not that he needs to, not that he should, and it’s only a few minutes… what’s the harm? He just wants to make sure he says hello every morning. If it doesn’t help start your day, it sure helps start his.

And every day you find your approach to teaching a big litter of 5-year-old’s seems a bit unorthodox to most. But, you’ve always found it easier to teach kids the wonders of the world around them while being immersed into it. So right before recess you gather jackets, spending time with each student to make sure they’re all zipped up and cozy. And you stop at little Alice Munson, her pigtail braids are punctuated with pink hair ties to match the pink jacket she had worn that day. “I picked pink today.” The dimples in her cheeks out in full force as she tilts up her chin, letting you zip the jacket up to the top.

“I think the pink looks very pretty, Alice.” You smile softly, giving her small hands a reassuring squeeze. She just giggles softly, her cheeks beginning to heat up as she turns her head away from you and down to the floor.

“Allie is okay.” Her voice is quiet, her eyes not directed towards you as she says it. They’re fixated on a spot on the ground in front of you. So you smile, squeezing her hand again to let her know you heard her before you’re standing up and leading your gaggle of a class out to the far end of the playground, letting them crowd around in the grass to find whatever treasures they could to use in their crafts after they’re back inside.

When you see the recess aide slip out into the crowd of children to relieve you, you thank her and quietly retreat back to your classroom. A quick tidy of everyone’s spaces and you’re ready to go when the kids return to you. And just as you sit at your desk you hear quiet sniffles outside of your door before little Alice Munson is peeking her head in. Immediately you can see the tears in her eyes, scraped bleeding skin, and swelling bump on her forehead. “Oh, sweetheart, what happened?” You’re quick to jump up, going over to her.

“I tripped on my shoe. Miss Dunn sent me inside for the nurse but I don’t know how to go there.” Her words aren’t as clear as they normally would be, through the tears and you sigh softly, reaching for her hands.

“Let's go get you cleaned up, okay?” You suggest and she just nods, holding onto you with her right hand as she rubs the tears away with her left. “I have to call your daddy, okay? Just to let him know what happened.” You give her hand a squeeze as you begin to walk her to the nurses office.

Alice just nods quietly in response. The silence settles for just a few moments and then Alice sniffles, “can my daddy come get me?”

“Oh… I dunno, sweetie.” You smile at her sympathetically, “I’ll talk to him okay? Let’s just get you taken care of first.”

*****

Eddie has worked with the same three guys at the shop for the last ten years and he feels like he knows everything about them. The way Leroy’s wife left him because of his drinking, he knows about Robert’s bouncing baby boy due in December, and even about how Dave’s moving back in with his parents. But Eddie? He tried for a long time to get his life out of prying eyes, but that plan flew out the window in the second year of his marriage. He remembers coming home from a particularly hard day to Laura crying on the couch, after lamenting to him about her visit with her doctor earlier in the day. The trill in his voice when he asked if she’s serious. He’s twenty-four. He’s not ready for this. What about her being pregnant is good news? He regrets it now, all these years later. The way he yelled, the things he’s broken. He remembers back then thinking he’d be just like his own father. He remembers the cops showing up on his doorstep, no doubt one of their other neighbors had called from the shouting— they were questioning his wife, asking if he’d hurt her. While he was still wrapping his head around the fact that he was going to be a dad. And going to work on Monday? You could sure as hell bet he was greeted with a pat on the back from Leroy, a smile on his face, “I promise you’re gonna do great, kid.” And he does. When he holds his daughter in his arms for the first time, he thinks he could cry.

The stereo cuts off, pulling Eddie from his thoughts and leaving the shop eerily quiet aside from the sound of tools clanking. “Eddie?” Leroy calls, Eddie never got many calls at work anymore. Those days were reserved for when his girls were little. Eddie wipes his hands on the rag in the pocket of his coveralls as he walks over, taking the outstretched phone from him quietly. He’s just as confused when he presses the phone up to his ear.

“Uh… hello?” He questions, unsure of who would be calling him here.

“Yes, Hi.” Your voice begins to fill his ears, sweet, smooth, and soft. He can just imagine the smile on your face right now as his own begins to turn a deep shade of crimson. Eddie glances out at the shop floor to where the guys continue to work quietly and he lets his guard down for just a moment, twisting the phone cord around his fingers and he smiles, flirting the best he can.

“And what do I owe this pleasure?” He hears the whistle before he sees any of their faces, which just deepens the color of his face by three shades at least.

“Wouldn’t say I’m calling out of pleasure, Eddie.” You retort, a small giggle threatening to escape before you compose yourself to deliver the real news. “There was an accident on the playground today, Allie’s got a pretty big goose egg on her forehead, the nurse checked her over and there’s nothing to worry about but, I’m required to call and let you know.” You explain, hearing the other men teasing Eddie on the other end of the line.

Eddie’s quiet for a few moments as his demeanor changes, maybe loving the way you so casually called her Allie, just as he and Jane did, “is she okay?” he asks, a bit of worry lacing his voice.

“Yeah, of course! She’s perfectly okay, she’s spending some time inside coloring.” Your eyes drift over to Alice sitting neatly at her desk, the bump on her forehead still angry and red. Otherwise, she seemed fine to you. “I’ll keep an eye on her and give you a call if it gets any worse, okay?” You settle his nerves, wishing this was anything but a work call.

Eddie just rubs over his face, the color leaving his cheeks. He leans back against the wall, phone still pressed to his ear as he thinks of what to say. “Thank you.” Is the best he comes up with, but he’ll have to beat himself up for it later. Embarrassing.

“Bye Eddie.” Your voice is soft again, no doubt that smile back on your face. It pulls his own out, dimples setting in deep and it brings out the tirade of teasing from the other guys as Eddie says goodbye and hangs up. He just rolls his eyes, flips the stereo back on, and continues to ignore the “who’s the girl?” comments he gets.

*****

It takes an hour out of the day, but the kids' monsters with all of their treasures are glued together and placed on top of their cubbies, waiting for them all to come back and see them Monday morning. You see each of their proud smiles as they begin decorating name tags for each of their freshly made friends. And you keep your promise to Eddie, watching Alice as closely as you possibly can when there are more than 20 other children in your care. The redness of the bump starts to fade and you can see her frown fading as well. She’s starting to relax which means the pain might be starting to subside.

Alice places her name tag in the bin with the rest of the kids once the bell rings, but heads back to her seat instead of to her cubby to grab her coat and backpack. You stand by the door, saying goodbye to each of your students as parent after parent comes to pick them up. Pausing when you see Alice begin to color another picture, smiling when you sit next to her after the class has emptied. “My daddy’s birthday is tomorrow.” She looks up at you, showing you the latest drawing she’d made.

You can only assume it’s Eddie, her, and her sister. But there’s another person standing next to Eddie that vaguely has the same hair color as you do, which is more than likely a big coincidence. But it still pulls a visceral feeling of warmth from your core. “Is this a card for your daddy?” You ask, genuinely curious.

“Yeah! This is daddy, and me and Jane.” She points at each one, grinning widely. The same smile you see amplified each morning on her father. “and that’s you!” She turns her head up to look at you, not sure what to expect. “My daddy likes you a lot. He told my grandpa.” she shrugs a bit, like it’s casual information in the household.

“He wanted to invite you to dinner this weekend.” Jane says from the door, walking over to gather up Alice’s things. “but he’s too embarrassed. So I’m going to.” She grins and Alice just begins to nod.

“Please, please, please?” She grins, standing up and stuffing her jacket on as Jane helps her with her backpack.

And you laugh softly, nodding. “Of course, kids.” You watch as Jane sorts a few flyaway hairs in Alice’s braids before grabbing her hand. “Is someone here to pick you up?” she frowns a bit, usually Eddie would come in, come say hello.

“Yeah, grandpa is. Dad had to work more.” Jane shrugs a little before she’s leading Alice out of the classroom. And you get up to follow, watching as the girls climb into the awaiting car at the front of the building talking and giggling with smiles on their faces.

*****

Eddie sighs heavily when he walks up the front steps of Wayne’s trailer. He leans his head against the door for just a moment as he takes a deep breath. He knew fighting Laura wasn’t going to be easy, but sitting the entire afternoon in court to have their case heard only to be told she was trying to go for full custody was exhausting. He’d sooner die than let her take his girls from him. They were happy here. He did all that he could so they could have a happy life, everything they want and need.

He can hear their laughs through the door with Wayne, smiling to himself. He had to put on a brave face, not let the emotion he was dealing with show. He wraps on the door with a knuckle just loud enough to get their attention before turning the handle and letting himself in. Wayne has dinner cooking, Jane is settled into the couch as she does her homework, and Alice is running to her daddy as quickly as she can. Eddie lifts her up and presses a kiss to her temple, settling her on his hip. “Did you two have a good day today?” He asks as he walks over to grab a beer and have a seat, Alice sitting on his lap. He’s exhausted mentally and physically and fully ready to indulge in dinner with his family.

“Yeah.” Jane nods as Eddie pops the top on the beer. His ears perk up when he hears your name fall out of her mouth. “I invited her to dinner this weekend.” She shrugs nonchalantly, “for your birthday.”

Eddie isn’t subtle about the way he chokes on his drink. It makes Wayne turn his head towards him, silently checking if he’s alright. Jane and Alice both laugh, grinning and giggling, they know they made him happy deep down. “you did, what?” Eddie asks softly, barely believing what he’s hearing.

Jane shrugs, “grandpa said it was okay.” and that’s when Eddie’s head whips towards Wayne, who just gives a carefree shrug, a knowing smile on his own face. One that Eddie never sees. “Are you happy?”

Eddie rubs over his face, shaking his head with a smile, as he sets the beer bottle down on the table. “Yeah, babes. I’m happy.”

————————

Chapter One || Chapter Two ||

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tags

@peachyproserpina @munsonzzgf @latedawsonearlysunsets92 @eiffelmezarry @mcueveryday @bibieddiesgf @tlclick73

[totally-sapphic-posts]

I'm sorry maybe this isn't gonna be entertaining. Can I have an advice? I met this person online, we chat sometimes mostly in groups but this time I adventure to chat one on one a little more. Days goes by and we talk a little more, nothing serious, just two strangers sharing thoughts. one day she had a problem and said I was the only one talking with her and she needed to let that out,we talked, she calmed down, we were fine. Since then we started talking a little more and more, about our day, jobs, family, share videos, say gm and gn. She had all my attention and I think I had hers. Until one day I said gm and there were no answer until hours later, strange, I ask later if she was busy and her answer was no. Days go by and we talked less, hours went by without answer, no gm texts, nothing about her day, after a couple weeks I ask her if something happened, I feel her distance, she said no, it's that sometimes she needs attention and sometimes she fixated in other thing but that I don't have nothing to worry about. But nothing changed, more weeks and more distance, a little worse, I noticed she wasnt sharing anything with me anymore, not her day, thoughs, plans, videos, pictures, we talked everyday but much less and hours apart when it used to be minutes, it was like she forgets my message or she didn't wanna answer me, bc I knew she talk on the group and with others but not me. I approached again and ask if she wanted this, if she didn't want to talk to me I would understand but please tell me. She said yes and no, yes because she felt a connection with me and no bc she wasn't good mentally and didn't want to connect emotionally and she knew she wasn't a good friend rn. I said she hasn't to be perfect but I needed to know that she still care for us, she said yes. I wanted to talk about a way that she felt okay not talking with me if she doesn't want to but letting me know she was okay or at least think about me, she said later. We talked two more days with the same answer after hours, you could tell it was when she didn't have anything else to do or talk with. And then.. we didn't talk for three weeks. We were chatting and I did a comment about something, I answered and she never replied, she didn't even open the chat, until weeks later. This group where we met, I keep my distance from, I don't talk there anymore for various reasons, but she's still there and talk with everyone at any time, actually it appears she had a gf there now. I don't know if I love her like more than a friend, I care deeply for her. I don't know if I'm overreacting or shouldn't feel like trash. I've been months crying waiting for her, wondering what I did wrong. I don't know what to do anymore . I'm sorry this is too long, can someone advise or k*ll me. .?

I’m so sorry this happened to you. If she’s moved on, just know it isn’t your fault. And just because she wasn’t in a good mental space doesn’t mean you can’t be upset about how all of this has made you feel. You didn’t do anything wrong and it sounds like she just didn’t have the capacity at that moment to maintain anything. I can’t say much about her since I don’t know her, but I can say that you don’t need to blame yourself for how things went.

Allow yourself to be sad. Process everything that has happened and how you’re feeling about everything. It’s really important that you process your feelings and allow yourself to feel. Be kind to yourself as you heal, and when you’re ready, move on from her. Because, while she may be struggling mentally, you don’t need to allow her to make you feel bad.

Wishing you the best ❤️

[trans-axolotl]

I'm rly sorry to put this on u and u don't have to respond. But idk how to de-institutionalize myself. Like I was in psych insitutions for 6 years continuously I've been out since October but had time out somewhat frequently for the past year and a half. But it's like in my head. I do better with less control from providers, and I recognize how much the system has traumatized me (so many horror stories you don't need to hear, gaslighting, restraint, seclusion, didn't get to see my dying father/attend his funeral, denied gender affirming care, over/mis-medicated, etc.).

But it's like I smoked weed recently and I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT. bc I have a psychotic disorder. So I agreed to go to a partial. And just the sight of young people in like those hospital lanyards caused me extreme flashbacks and led me to dissociate during which I fired all my providers. I hired them back and am now under watch during my waking hours. In my apartment by like, a carer. And I was doing BETTER before I had this stuff!!! Even though I smoked weed! I made friends, got engaged to a long time partner, had a regular part time job, left the house, etc.

But it's almost like I'm doomed into having this identity of "patient" be the only one that matters and my relationship with the psychiatric system mediate the way I experience ALL OF MY EMOTIONS and do EVERYTHING. If I smoke I need to go to treatment. If I dissociate I consider going to the hospital until my fiance convinces me I can get through it myself (which I have been able to. I've stopped self harming, haven't attempted suicide, etc. partially bc I just don't SEE myself that way).

I'm sorry for venting. It just feels so so so so hopeless. Like how the fuck do I escape this? Especially bc like if I just fired everyone I could get put under conservatorship for refusing treatment, even though I've proved I can live and survive independently. I just don't know an alternative because I've been in this since I was a teenager. I really need advice. It's so scary like psychiatry is the devil I know and it's destroyed my self esteem/confidence that id be able to exist without it.

Don't feel pressured to respond if this is too much. I'm sorry.

Anon, this is such an important question and something I really resonate with. I appreciate you sharing your experiences <3

You are absolutely not alone in this, and I've spent a lot of time talking with some of my friends about our experiences. It is really, really hard to adjust back to life after spending a lot of time institutionalized, and it is not your fault that the role of "patient" feels like it's taking over your life. So many other people I've talked to also feel this way, people write about it in books, professionals recognize it. I think that when we're in institutions, it's a role we have to take on to survive. There becomes particular ways of coping and routines we fall into because it's the only options available to us while institutionalized, and no one really gives us a workbook for how to transform those skills and routines into our real life. I'm so sorry that psychiatry has caused you so much pain and is still causing you pain, and I really empathize with feeling hopeless and stuck. I think it makes a lot of sense that you would be feeling overwhelmed and trapped, and any feelings of anger or sadness or anything are important and worth listening to.

As someone who has been hospitalized twice in the past three years and spent many months institutionalized, this is something I've also really been grappling with. Even though I know how much the system harmed me, know that the psych ward really, really traumatized me, have so many horror stories, and spend all this time organizing against psych wards, there are times that I do fixate on returning to psych wards and have impulsive thoughts about returning. When it comes down to it, I don't ever want to return to hospitalization, but sometimes I do have a strange sense of nostalgia for parts of it, especially when I remember the people I met there, some of the good days, or the sense of what it was like to at least feel familiar in a situation. For a long time, especially when I was younger, going to the ER was an important part of my self harm routine for the riskier forms of self harm I engaged in, and even though I didn't recognize it consciously at the time, I can look back and connect the dots and understand some of the underlying reasons why hospitalization felt important to me as a teenager. Sometimes, especially when I'm struggling not to engage in self destructive behaviors, I miss the way that hospitalization let me not give a fuck about anything, self destruct as much as I want, and how the experience of being in that type of crisis meant I had no responsibility to myself and didn't have to put the effort into healing. And I don't think we talk about these really complex and nuanced experiences enough in antipsych community, where even though we recognize that we deserve better, that we want to abolish psych wards, at the same time we all have our own complicated experiences that are worth sharing.

What has helped me transition into a life without hospitalization is a lot of reflection with myself and my loved ones to help identify my triggers when it comes to hospitalization, and to make plans for what I wanted my care to look like. For me, I know that one of my triggers that might make me impulsively do something that will end in hospitalization is when my pain feels invisible, my emotions and experience is invalidated, and when I start to feel like the people in my life won't support me unless I'm in crisis. When I start to feel this way, I know I need to go reach out to friends, tell them that I'm feeling vulnerable and worried and in pain, and they know that it's really helpful for them to listen, to validate me, to promise that they believe me, etc. That is just a personal example and might not be at all relevant to you, but what was really just most helpful was understanding the ways this pattern showed up for me, really analyzing what situations, emotions, actions, are likely to cause me to feel impulsive, vulnerable, and to start having intrusive thoughts about hospitalization, so that I could make a plan with my loved ones about what kind of support I need to avoid hospitalization.

I think something else that has been important to me is recognizing that I am allowed to fuck up, that there is room in my life for risk, and redefining what crisis looks like for me. In a lot of treatment setting, we spend time learning our warning signs, triggers, stuff like that. Which can be really helpful, but I know for me, sometimes it can actually be really damaging when I only think of my life in terms of warning signs. Because at this point after years of treatment I am so aware of what things are risky for me, when I do inevitably end up engaging in some of those behaviors, sometimes labeling that as a warning sign makes me start to panic. I start to feel like it's a slippery slope straight into crisis, and gets me into a mindset where I think that since it's inevitable that I've fucked up, I might as well just continue doing risky stuff, escalating my behaviors, and eventually pushing myself into crisis because I believe that it's going to happen anyway. Moving away from labeling things as an automatic warning sign helped me to get out of that rigid treatment mindset where everything is labeled as either good or bad, and warning signs are seen as an automatic crisis. Leaning towards harm reduction, acknowledging what things are risky for me, are likely to cause other harmful behaviors, and committing to a mindset where although I don't have to fix everything in one day, I have to make one small positive change, has been really helpful for me in stopping those warning sign spirals. Leaving room in my life for me to fuck up, make bad decisions, and still also use coping skills, reach out to supports, and have all of that coexist, has been super helpful for me.

I think it's also really crucial to have the space to undo some of the myths told to us by providers. Being institutionalized can really wreck our self esteem, when we're constantly told by providers that we don't know what's right for ourselves, that we're dangerous, that we are incapable, broken, and that we need to rely on the experts in order to be fixed because we can trust ourselves. Part of building our lives outside of hospitalization requires learning how to trust ourselves again, and celebrating ourselves for all the ways in which we are capable, talented, the experts, able to make decisions and choose what is right for us. Spending a long time institutionalized can get us out of practice in all of those things, and being able to slowly find ways to celebrate ourselves, even for small things, can go a long way to building our capacity to trust ourselves. Finding support people who are willing to encourage and validate us is also so important, whether that's from our loved ones, outpatient providers who are allies, online community, whatever.

When we've spent so long institutionalized and having our self esteem wrecked by providers, it can feel like we don't have any capacity to use coping skills, care for ourselves, or make decisions. For me, it was really helpful to find small ways to practice making decisions again, even just about tiny things that have nothing to do with my mental health. Building up my capacity to use coping skills was really hard, because it kind of honestly can fucking suck in the moment and it's hard to feel like it's worth it. For me anger has been a super helpful emotion, where in those moments I'm having a hard time, I draw on my anger at my providers as a way to motivate myself to thrive in all the ways they said I couldn't. Any time you can make those changes, use skills, make goals, practice your autonomy, it all goes a long way towards building the life that you want and increasing your capacity to cope with what challenges and distress we're going to experience.

Although it can feel impossible to believe that we can build a life for ourselves outside of the patient role, it is possible. It already sounds like you've been doing so much work to make it happen. It sounds like you know that treatment is a trigger for you that makes things worse, that smoking weed is something that is complicated for you and might require a more careful approach, and that your fiance is supporting you and affirming your capability to live your life outside a hospital. It is such an amazing accomplishment that you have been able to stop self harming and attempted suicide, and that you have built all these things in your life that you want. You already are doing so much of the work, and although it sounds like things have been particularly difficult to navigate and that partial has been a challenge, there are already so many ways in which you are taking care of yourself and fighting back. Even if you need to bullshit your way through partial long enough so that you can get back to doing healing work outside of that space, it sounds like you do have the skills, capability, and insight about what you want. And just also want to affirm that healing doesn't have to happen in isolation-interdependence, support, and community are so important, and whatever ways you need to rely on people in your life to get you through this is not something to be ashamed of.

Truly sending all the love and solidarity your way, and please feel free to reach out if there's any specific resources you want, or even just to vent.

Followers with relevant experience, free free to add on your insights.

💜💜💜

[streganonalearns]

It’s hard for me to discuss the ugliest parts of my psychiatric problems in general but especially in the context of my beliefs because it’s too easy for some jerkwad to come up and say I’m having delusions again or dismiss me because I’m “just crazy”

However I’ve been rocking in this meat for a while now so I know the difference between the divine and a delusion. I’ve had religious delusions and I see a lot of them in a certain major religion that I used to be a part of. I don’t remember a lot of one of my worst episodes which is wild in itself but what I do remember I would only want to share the part where I started to believe I was a reincarnation of Jesus who had just realized who I was and was gearing up to do something amazing. I started to believe I couldn’t die unless I wanted to while also being unable to decide if I wanted to die or not. This is the only part I feel like sharing because 1) it’s kind of funny to me in retrospect and 2) it’s the least embarrassing imo (which says a lot about what I was up to)

It took a long time but I’ve gotten my ability to recognize what’s a real spiritual experience and what’s a sign to call my doctors down pretty well now I think (I don’t like to tempt things too much).

For me it’s all about how I feel in my body and mind. I have some telltale signs I look for like: a suspicious amount of energy, a suspiciously low need for sleep, a suspiciously low need to eat, finding people extremely irritating for no reason, finding things extremely funny for no reason, wanting to change careers or start a business based on something I’m currently fixated on, and taking all my makeup out late at night and painting my entire face because I think I have a great makeup idea that I could totally execute right now. When I start noticing two to three of these happening at once I start to do the things my doctor and I came up with to nip bad episodes in the bud, but I can always call her if it seems extreme. I still take my meds every day and all that jazz but things still happen so it’s important for me to stay on top of things and be aware of how the meat is functioning. Now this is just me sharing my experience as a human person that may or may not help because everyone is different and also I am not a doctor but they do find me fascinating.

I know I’m late to the party by a couple weeks but I wanted to put my thoughts and feelings out into the void because sometimes it feels good to blog like this but also because the topic of delusions vs divine is something I’ve had to grapple with so it feels very personal to me

[luciandloathing]

I need to make a pinned post so I can force everyone to know my interests but I have to actually draw my idea... but. to info dump on myself anyways.

I'm a comics nerd. I watch a lot of reality tv (mainly the 'Housewives of', or stuff like Big Brother and Survivor that takes a a more game approach). I'm also a wrestling nerd, love womens wrestling and joshi most. my other biggest white woman fixation is Mori Calliope of Hololive. I occasionally will watch anime but prefer manga. I also really love music of any kind. yes, including country. I spend a lot of my outside time that's not work or further education at concerts of all sizes. I've been drawing constantly for about three years now. writing about two. I'm mentally and physically disabled, won't get into details for my own sake, but please be patient! if you ever disagree with me on something please just try to clarify. I'm not good at the whole online tone thing lol. PLEASE feel free to dm and interact with me as much as you want! I'm always open to talk, learn a new thing, talk about your interests or a shared interest, or to collaborate on something!

[rikusempai]

Shifting Series [pt 1]

I Think I Broke My Back

A/N: some characters are aged up.I am also using an online Na’vi translator so my Na’vi might not be the best.

The night came to an end. The two, Riel and Cecilia, spent the night sharing each other’s latest obsessions; the star of the night, Avatar: the Way of The Water, was what the girls decided to fixate on.

Lo’ak was Cecilia’s favourite; the bad boy, black sheep, of the Sully family. Riel’s favourite was non other than Neteyam; the responsible, eldest son. How fitting of her.

This conversation lead up to Riel’s practice in reality shifting. She proposed the idea of the two living in Pandora, meeting their comfort characters and of course, how funny (but low-key scary) the height difference would be.

Riel had never fully shifted, It was quite difficult, to shift that is; thus, Riel would’ve never thought that the next day she’d end up in Pandora, let alone with her cousin.

***

When Cecelia left for the night and drifted off to sleep, the next thing she knew, she was falling out of the sky. Was it a dream? She thought. No, the feeling of wind rushing through her thin black top, sending shivers up and down her spine, was too real. The feeling of gravity pulling at her was too great to feel like those regular falling dreams.

Her back was heavy, like lead, and her long hair sprawled violently in her face making the fall seem more distressing. Just as she was about to scream herself, she heard a voice crackling screech beside her.

She looked to her side; her older cousin looked like a comet, crashing down to earth. Her long hair being the tail.

“Riel!”

Riel frantically looked around her as she spun in the air. She finally caught her cousins gaze but before then two girls knew it, they landed on hard soil.

“I think I broke my back.”

——

They snuck away from the village. Into the forest they ventured; the three Sully’s showing off their tree climbing skills to the other Metkayina teenagers.

“Am ohe too fast, friend? (Am I too fast, friend?)” Lo’ak swung through the giant branches. Ao’nung scowled, trying to keep up with the cocky guy ahead of him; his tail meant for the water, working against him. His sister on the other hand, Tsireya, seemed to be having fun. Swinging along with the Sully’s’ getting lift-ups by Kiri, leading them further into the branches.

“Do you need help?” Neteyam landed onto the branch next to the Metekayin.

Ao’nung shoved him off, “I do not need your help.” The pissed off guy hopped up-to the branch. Neteyam sighed, knowing how stubborn he was, despite how much they’ve been through already, and jumped up himself.

he sighed and followed the rest of the group.

“Ahhhhh!” A piercing scream rung throughout the forest, a humanoid scream as a matter of fact. Everyone’s heads seemed to turn around in the direction of the sound.

“Holy shi— what was that?” Lo’ak asked, alertly looking around.

“you heard that right?” Kiri asked.

“We should go check,” Lo’ak leaped off in the direction of the sound before Neteyam could even respond.

“Lo’ak, we shouldn’t run off!” Neteyam tried to yell as the teenager himself followed his idiot brother.

“Skxawng (moron/idiot),” Neteyam hissed. The rest of the teens followed in suit. In a clearing of the forest, the team stalked in the trees and peered onto the figures whom have made the noises.

Two figures, that is. Girls, both sprawled out painfully on the forest floor, one with black hair, and the other with blonde.

“What the he—“ Ao’nung started but was cut off by his sister, Tsireya rushing forward; descending from the trees to the floor.

“Tsireya, wait!” Ao’nung hissed, following his sister. She walked up immediately to the girls while he stalked with caution.

“They are hurt,” she states looking back at him with a stern look. Kiri, Neteyam, and Lo’ak also jumped down and ran up to the siblings.

One of the girls, the brunette, groaned in pain. But soon, her gaze started to fuzz and all she saw was the blurry images of what looked like the Blue Man Group.

Masterlist

[totallylesbians]

Can I have an advice? Thoughs? Anything really. I met this person online, we chat sometimes mostly in groups but this time I adventure to chat a little more. Days goes by and we talk a little more, nothing serious, just two strangers sharing thoughts. one day she had a problem and said I was the only one talking with her and she needed to let that out,we talked, she calmed down. Since then we started talking a little more and more, about our day, jobs, family, share videos, say gm and gn. She had all my attention and I think I had hers. Until one day I said gm and there were no answer until hours later, strange, I ask later if she was busy and her answer was no. Days go by and we talked less, hours went by without answer, after a couple weeks I ask her if something happened, I feel her distance, she said no, it's that sometimes she needs attention and sometimes she fixated in other thing but that I don't have nothing to worry about. But nothing changed, more weeks and more distance, a little worse, I noticed she wasnt sharing anything with me anymore, not her day, thoughs, plans, videos, pictures, we talked but much less and hours apart when it used to be minutes. I approached again and ask if she wanted this, if she didn't want to talk to me I would understand but please tell me. She said yes and no, yes because she felt a connection with me and no bc she wasn't good mentally and didn't want to connect emotionally and she knew she wasn't a good friend rn. I said she hasn't to be perfect but I needed to know that she still care for us, she said yes. I wanted to talk about a way that she felt okay not talking with me if she doesn't want to but letting me know she was okay or at least think about me, she said later. Two days of the same answer after hours, you could tell it was when she didn't have anything to do or talk. And then.. we didn't talk for three weeks. It were a comment about something, I answered and she never replied, she didn't even open the chat, until weeks later. I keep my distance from the group, I don't talk there anymore for various reasons, but she's still there and talk with everyone at any time. I don't know if I love her like more than a friend, I care deeply for her. I don't know if I'm overreacting or shouldn't feel like trash. I've been months crying waiting for her, wondering what I did wrong. I don't know what to do anymore

I know how hard that can be. I’ve been there. It can be rough because all you have is this person’s word. Mental health can be hard to deal with though. You have to take things like that into consideration. It can be hard to realize you’re in a downward spiral if it’s gradual with no big trigger.

The most I can suggest is asking her again and give her reassurances about your side of things. Be there for her and be patient. That’s all I can offer.