#I feel so isolated I know I’m not - I have friends but I don’t think they really want to hear it. I don’t want to be a burden
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since stranger things revolves around its main characters being outcasts, here’s the primary ways that make the suspected endgame couples outcasts in season 5:
(my opinions are very much included!!)
jopper
I couldn’t start this without mentioning the fact that hopper is a literal fucking fugitive & joyce is his partner in crime for harbouring said fugitive. besides russian soldiers, they also have the US military to be worrying about next season, as they are also both parents to children who are connected to the upside down.
byler
stranger things follows “freaks” & outsiders on their journey to fight against supernatural fources & exploitation from government officials, to save the people around them. I don’t believe for a second that wills love for mike was written for it to be unrequited, leaving the character that started it all without a love interest, whilst his straight friends have all found love. will has been outcasted for being gay from children at school & even his own father, from as early as season 1. it is clear from season 4 that he struggles from already accepting. it is also clear from season 4 that mike struggles from denial, which (imo) is why it looks like “he doesn’t feel the same way.”
we know that vecna uses people’s greatest fears & struggles against them so I imagine this could play a big part in how stranger things manages to address the feelings that come alongside homosexuality within a small heteronormative town in the 80’s. I think that the plan was always to show the difference in struggles between a character who does know that he is gay & a character who does not acknowledge that he is. a lot of people argue that they’ve already showed this struggle with robin & vickie but keep in mind the stranger things ending has been planned from season 1, but robin only asked to portray her character as a lesbian - after joining in season 3 - because it felt right when she was acting as robin.
also is there some sort of town rule that I’m unaware of that prevents more than one gay person acquiring a love interest lmao????
jancy
next up we have the og outcast couple! (looking a bit like their younger siblings in the picture above)
in season 4 it’s revealed that jonathan does not want to go to college because he is worried about leaving his family, which has been a major cause of stress for him since season 1. after wills disappearance, jonathan was under a lot of pressure to find will & take care of joyce, but even before wills disappearance, he worried about will & joyce due to lonnie being an abusive father. the stress of caring for his family & simultaneously lying to his girlfriend, eventually led him to start smoking. he had no friends before argyle & he’s never had a support system. he was outcasted in school for not fitting in with the other teenagers but now his decision to stay with his family whilst his old classmates move on to college, puts him in another isolated position.
a very common theme for nancy’s character has been the misogyny she’s faced as a young woman. in season 1 she is slut-shamed for accepting help from jonathan after being left alone & drunk by her boyfriend & in season 3 it’s a struggle for her to be taken seriously in an workplace run by men, no matter how hard she tries to show them that she is hardworking & capable. in season 4 we see her come into her own as a reporter & we learn she is accepted into her dream school but we also see her convince robin to change her clothes in order to be taken seriously in front of dr. hatch. I imagine season 5 will touch on this again as nancy’s story comes to an end.
lumax
we saw that the hawkins high basketball team had it out for lucas in season 4 but now that jason’s dead due to vecna’s portal splitting hawkins, I can only imagine how determined the team will be to take their anger out on lucas; especially since they believe lucas & his friends are to blame for what is happening to hawkins.
season 4 ended with max in a coma, after vecna consumed her to make the portal, which makes me believe she will be awoken after the main characters stop vecna & where she is throughout the coma will probably play an important role in stopping him. putting aside the impact of max having this near death experience after we discover her wish to “follow [billy] into death”, the injuries she sustained will be life altering. even if max is healed after vecnas death, I imagine we’ll see her having to readjust to life after the physical & mental trauma. “the eyes are the windows to the soul” we also don’t know if her eyesight will return with her soul or if she will be blind. on top of all this, her mental health struggles played a big part last season & we saw how isolated she was feeling. I wonder how that will effect her story next season. (also that photo!! I love lumax sm)
#stranger things#jopper#byler#jancy#lumax#stranger things season 5#I love going on stranger things rants
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said to my counsellor that i wasnt built for friendship because everyone always eventually just. stops speaking to me and she went “ok why do you think that is?” and then when i finished my dumb sad list she went “ok so maybe you aren’t good at friendship” and i. have never regretted spending £50 more in my life lol
#A RANT IN THE TAGS MY GOD I DIDNT EVEN REALISE I AM WRITING THIS WARNING RETROSPECTIVELY#£50 to feel like never trying to speak to anyone again or forge any connections THANKS RUTH#Ruth remember when I said that every friendship I’ve had I’ve never truly known if it’s a friendship or if it’s one sided#remember when I told you that my friend groups always had people who had a favourite and I was never the favourite#remember when I told you that several friend groups have disbanded but not really they actually just made new spaces without me?#remember that? remember my trauma? remember?#because I DO!!!#I was not born to have friends I don’t think#I can’t even make friends with other autistic people or other weird people or other queer people#I don’t even think I could make friends with a clone of myself#this is so guy wrenchingly isolating lol#like girl what do you want from me? keep everyone at arms length like I used to?#try not to let myself get attached to people in case they decide they don’t want to be close to me anymore?#please it is not great advice Ruth#THE WORAT PART is that I literally was like ‘I don’t message too much because I’m overbearing’#and she asked where the proof was#and all I had was the complete dissolving of any relationship where I tried or tried too hard#so now I’m left in this confusing space of do I message too much or not enough because I have no happy medium#and she knows SHE KNOWS I also have energy issues and executive dysfunction stuff going on#and I know she is just trying to help and get me to think about this stuff#but it was just not the time lmao#finnie shouts into the void
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, don’t read them if you’re having a bad day, they’ll probably not help in the slightest.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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Something I’ve been thinking about for the new year
#sth#sonic the hedgehog#knuckles the echidna#adhd-in-space#I just struggle being nice to people I really care about but I like to think behind the glares and mean words#my friends know I love them a whole lot and would do anything for them#dw dw I am trying to work on myself to be a nicer person I am#but one of my longest and closet friends has been saying this to be a new times so#made it into something#starting this year with something personal#I work so much I do sometimes feel I’m isolated from them all but they still find their own ways to check in on me and look after me#even when we are so far apart so yeah#obviously I didn’t mean for this to be a ship thing just more of me using knuckles for my reflective thinking#but if you ship so Knux and see it that way that’s alright too idc#I may have accidentally made sonics fingers a bit too pudgy but idk don’t precieve them
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It’s a little strange but I feel like the thought that there’s something wrong with me or that I’m going to have an unfulfilled life because I’m aromantic has only just caught up with me at 21 years old even though I’ve known about being aro since 14 or 15
#it’s been kind of brewing in the back of my mind for the past year or so though#like. I know that having a partner would make me MISERABLE and I would hate myself the entire time#and I’m so much happier doing things alone or with friends and I love who I am at this stage of my life#but it also sucks and feels isolating in its own way to be the only single one in your circle of best friends#idk it kind of changes you when you hear your friend say that they don’t think they can be happy with life without a significant other#especially since none of my friends before that point had dated anyone
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I don’t feel like anyone is listening,or cares much , so I don’t really um. feel the need to clarify that I’m fine
#x#this is not a self pity thing..I think this is objectively true#and I want it to not be#but um I know I’m not like..idk. liked here. I don’t matter to anyone.#I just wish I had a better grasp on the empathic skills required to socialize so that I could’ve built relationships on here#but in the 12 yrs I’ve been on here I’ve never made a friend#not really. and. I think I’m just too retarded to.#I feel at fault for my own isolation.#and it just sucks. I accept that I have nothing because I never made anything. and. it feels horrible. and I just accept it. I don’t know#/
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I hate being probably schizophrenic I really hate it here
#I wish my life was better#like. this year has shown me why most of us try to kill our selves for real#and like I’m not allowed to do that so I’m not going to but#having a brain that doesn’t work like everyone else you know or even everyone else on the damn planet is so isolating#on top of catatonic episodes that have been getting worse and worse for me where I can’t communicate except to agree to stuff#if I didn’t have such good friends I think I’d be dead on the side of the road somewhere rn and I’m so grateful for them#just wish I could like. actually communicate in ways that make sense#I feel bad that I frustrate people with decisions I make because they make sense to me but no anyone else#idk…#I think I really should be living in a community or something but there’s no freedom in that and I don’t want to give up my freedom yet#sitting in my works parking lot trying to make myself go in and not waste my gas lol
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I’ve been feeling Créa creep up on me as of late and today I went back and reread my little document where I type up random ideas for scenes/fics and I was like. Wow who wrote this. This is really good. Why isn’t there more of this damn. But also wow I really put miss créa through the blender and she is a fine red mist a lot. But that is the life of a ranger…and even when she’s not a ranger anymore I press blend on high and she is sadly used to that
#(I forgot what made me think of it but I had this fantastic idea post war where Créa has tried to keep herself together)#(and it’s one specific incident that really makes her crack- I wrote a really compelling idea of her having PTSD and it unexpectedly)#(manifesting in a place where she didn’t anticipate it. and ofc it’s medieval medicine so they don’t know what PTSD is exactly but they)#(not like we know ptsd anyways. so it’s a really interesting exploration of grief and suppression and dealing with it- or not dealing with)#(it in this case. bc she’s avoided it for years and she’s like. god I fucking miss being a ranger so much. that was ME.)#(now I’m not a ranger anymore and I lost my entire identity)#(she can’t return to Evendim for a long time and desperately misses it. most of her friends are dead)#(or gone up north or treat her differently)#(she feels really isolated and alone even though she’s aware she’s not but it’s a lot to deal with!!! and I didn’t quite have an ending)#(but it was really compelling and I need to return to it one day)#(the other one I wrote ideas for and wrote a small scene was crea’s first experience meeting rangers)#(back when the angle was new. sighs. the potential…crea interacting with and learning ranger culture for the first time)#(after being alienated and kept away not of her own will. and her having a scene with faeron and standing on the bridge with him)#(but also of her thinking of what her life might’ve been like had she not been lied to about her heritage or had it hidden)#(she’s at a huge disadvantage-she barely knows dúnedain/elf history or sindarin etc. she could’ve had a whole different life)#(and AGAIN the theme of GRIEF- grieving smth that was kept from you. a life you’ll never have but could’ve)#(anyways. that probably all could’ve been in a post LOL and not in tags)#(but yeah damn!!! I was writing some good stuff!!!)#(now I wanna replay all the LOTRO areas again..)
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😕
#scheduled my cat to be put down this Friday#don’t wanna make a post about it but I wanna talk about it#asked my mom to come with to drive me and do the talking. dad asked to come too#except he doesn’t do earnest emotions well and says really stupid and insensitive shit when people are emoting#and I will be sobbing through all this. I already am#on a zoom call with family so they can say goodbye to Chloe and he’s going on about how bad she is sees I’m trying not to cry and says#gee! I don’t think she’ll make it through this! hohoho!#I don’t want anyone to be there with me at all but I know I just won’t be able to talk to the vet and pay#really just a fucked up year. ducked up like 6 years running but whatever#really tired but I can’t sleep. don’t want to talk to people but isolated#I want Chloe’s suffering to be over but I don’t want to let her go.#meanwhile I have bumble person on discord talking to me and it feels like such a slog. I want to ghost. I’m just tired in them and having#to keep up this like essays long reply chain about the minutia of our lives that doesn’t change ever#but that also feels mean because they haven’t been pushy and have been really considerate even when they asked to meet again and I said to#hold off because of my cat and it’s been like two weeks#I haven’t been in instagram because I don’t want fish store person to ask me out#trying to get stuff done for friends baby but realized in all this mess I forgot to block anything. feel like such a failure at everything#making baby presents. keeping my cat alive. making connections#I just don’t want to be perceived at all. I feel like such a non entity#or rather I feel like I should be a non entity. a picture on the wall of a disused room.#I’m so tired.
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Went from shit mental health, to oh maybe I’m ok actually :) to the one fuckign thing I was looking forward to with school starting again getting canceled and now my anxiety is raging again 🫠
#i don’t even know why#i cant pinpoint a thing that’s stressing me out I’m just;;;;#fuckign WHY#my friend was supposed to join the dnd game and I was looking to it so fuckign much but apparently it won’t work out bc of her schedule#i think if I don’t have a thing to look forward to every week to keep me sane I’ll start spiraling lol#like I usually have my school’s art comitee every week#but that doesn’t start until way alter in the year and my good friend who was in it changed school#also this summer I had Star Wars screenings with the discord besties but we’re done watching most of the movies already#Ive already been feeling the RSD acting up so bad recently#and that usually means a spiral of self isolation#cause I wnat to talk with my friend but any conversation that doesn’t go 100% perfectly could set me off#welp#burntblueberrywaffles
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i can feel the ryou brainworms just feasting right now
#hhhh your honor i love him so much he’s so silly!!! so concerning!!!!!! agsjdhskhd#he’s such a weirdo but he’s my weirdo so i mean#NOT IN A WEIRD WAY just. i don’t know he has my whole heart and i don’t think there’s a single part of me that doesn’t adore every bit ofhi#it’s how absolutely conflicting he is that has me caught up again#i keep saying this but just. it’s how much he loves creepy things and how he casually brushes off the weird things he gets into and how-#-much of an absolute NERD he is#in combination with how he literally has a fan club and how he’s known for being ‘soft spoken’ and how he likes cooking of all things#how he’s lost a lot of his family and had to isolate from friends and how he’s literally *died* once protecting them#and yet he’s still so sweet. he’s still so polite. he’s still just. ryou#still an absolute dork and he’s still able to have that soft smile and just#agh. feeling things for him today <3#as if i would not have them for him every day#unthinkable honestly#i love looking at the way he acts in monster world#i just think he’s so brave and so quick to act for these strangers he doesn’t even know yet#i’ve been over this before but if the yamis are supposed to mirror the darker parts of their host#and with b sealing away all ryou’s friends in the monster world figures beforehand…#:( i’m probably projecting etc etc but i guess i interpreted that as him being lonely??#wanting to stick with his friends constantly#maybe as a way to escape reality or something….#i’m rambling on about nothing but#i love him so much. so stupidly much#i just wanna keep him company and make sure he doesn’t feel alone… i guess i want that from him too <333#fffffffff love of my life…. i swear#spookyshipping#having a moment sorry
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personal post in tags
#I’m really struggling rn. not in the way my anxiety and depression has previously manifested. I feel like I’m two different people#living at home w my parents who I love dearly has really really impacted the view of my self.#this whole identity crisis has been on and off for 6 years nearly (wrt gender). I keep pushing it under the carpet until someone almost lif#lifts* it up. & I scramble to hide it somewhere else.#I feel so isolated I know I’m not - I have friends but I don’t think they really want to hear it. I don’t want to be a burden#(By the way if you know me irl or we have eachother on personal socials) hiiii.#what if I can never tell my parents. Or what if I never am happy.#I start a new job next week & ik im going to be [name] she/her I can feel it#I hate myself.#edit - to add I came out and was happy at uni but moving back in w my parents I conformed to their perfect daughter.
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in a weird headspace
#just coming off my period so no surprise there but like#idk i feel very very isolated and hopeless and am dissociating a lot about reality/society#the downfall of twitter has fucked me up#i don’t know what i’m doing#i’m ill and receiving no support and it feels impossible to do anything more with my life than just surviving#there’s also a lot of r*** related content online and in media rn and it’s been a lot on my brain#i don’t have any hyperfixations rn so i’m just sitting here numb and waiting for something interesting to happen#living in poverty is so harmful to my physically disabled and AUDHD self#i want to go outside and laugh with friends in the sunshine#i want to be held and in love and support someone#i want to travel to japan and eat amazing food and shop#i want connection and meaning#but it all feels so impossible#/#i was so convinced that i had absolutely blown that interview#and then i find out that it actually didn’t go as bad as i thought#i haven’t been outside and socialised in so long i think that’s why my brain shut down during the interview#i’m not really fit for work but i need and want to#i’ll find out in a couple days what the next four months of my life will look like#guess we’ll see
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Losing my fp is gonna fucking hurt but I just idk I can’t find a way this is gonna end well so I’m coming to terms with it
#it’s was a fine 4 years#the last year was already hard as fuck lmao#funny we got into a fight exactly a year ago too over him saying if you’re too sensitive don’t be on social media#I still have his Christmas present because we haven’t gotten to see eachother since#October I think is when we last met in person#just a week ago he was offering to hang out because of all the shit my mom said to me#I also have the other friend that’s involved in all of this’s Christmas gift#I was gonna mail it to him#oh well I guess#I just idk I’m so hurt#but this feels like what I’d been worried would happen ever since their obsession with each other got worse and worse#like I get it bpd does that you get obsessed believe me I know but y’all have been feeding into it with these ‘jokes’ lately and well#all the times y’all have said to each other you don’t need friend you only need me as a haha joke is gonna become true if y’all don’t get#some help and soon and like I think one of their psychiatrists said that their relationship was unhealthy and also one sided once#which unhealthy YES one sided?? nah not at all#but they both were like baffled and just didn’t believe the unhealthy part#I commented on it only saying how was it one sided because I knew if I agreed with the unhealthy part they’d both hate me lol#because believe it or not mutual obsession is not healthy lmao idc how romanticized it’s been getting it will never be healthy#I have a bf now and I strive to never be like that to him because i don’t want us to become mutually obsessed like that I don’t want us to#isolate ourselves for eachother whether knowingly or unknowingly just today he apologized because he’s been busy and I always let him know#it’s perfectly okay if he just never has time to message me one day because I know that’s healthy even if my brain is screaming#like yeah I still have intrusive thoughts I get jealous of his friends like way too jealous and I want him all to myself but I stop myself#from acting on any of those thoughts because I know it leads to a controlling abusive realtionship and I don’t want to be that he doesn’t#deserve that so it is so fucking confusing when they ‘joke’ and tell the other to delete a photo or tweet and then the other actually does#idk how they can’t see that that’s fucked#okay sorry lol but hey if y’all read the tags on the I’m so lost post and know what I did wrong please tell me because no one else will!
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I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it
#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with#no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to#ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and#then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there#like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day)#(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this#inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m#normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans#are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of#getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and#I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage#where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not#like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my#friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the#only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so#long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy#forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s#what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is#destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)
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been having an overwhelming on and off feeling of dread all day over the thought of opening my email or getting a text or whatever and it’s Yet Another job rejection. like good god that’d fucking kill me
#I’m so tired of this dude#like I was pretty confident about this but. idk I’ve been turned down so many fucking times now and places have gotten my hopes up#just to let me down every single time and I just can’t help but feel like rejection is inevitable. cause im always rejected#note: I have been applying for jobs since January and have gotten exactly two (2) interviews that whole time.#kibumblabs#it’s only been a day but. idk#I am not going to be able to truly rest until I know the outcome despite how much I am dreading the possible outcome#and I don’t feel good reassuring myself and telllng myself it went well because that’d just be setting me up for a bigger letdown#man I wish they just gave me some kind of assurance on the spot#I think it isn’t helping that I’ve been super isolated recently#only one of my friends irl has been talking to me the last two weeks or so#and I know it’s realistically probably because school started but. idk no texts or anything#considering how things have gone this year overall mainly re: my ex and what he tells people I just feel like it’d be on brand at this#point for them to all want to stop associating with me and cut me off like my ex did and one of my close childhood friends did this year#I really don’t trust anyone anymore and I wish I could but when things are dead silent for a week or more it becomes kinda impossible#I wonder if any of them will talk to me voluntarily any time soon#I am not confident#lots of waiting lots of being alone lots of nothing
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