#I forgot how much I loved Emperor Hux

[tenebrous-academic]

Tragic news, I’m one nervous breakdown away from jumping back on my Kylux bullshit 😔

[starlightsearches]

Hi so i had a request idea. Hux being married to some woman bc he had to for propaganda or whatever and reader (who works closely with hux) is with them both and pryde after a meeting or at a gala, and in discussion the wife and pryde are speaking highly of brendol. The reader essentially realises hux’s wife supports and agrees with the abuse that hux has endured and so the reader takes him for a private discussion to reassure and comfort him, show that he has someone on his side. Thank you xx

Someone Else

Ahhh, writing this made me so sad, anon, you have no idea. But also, I loved it and I couldn’t stop 😰 Thank you for the request, I hope you enjoy! (Also I modified the prompt just a little bit and I hope you don’t mind)

Requests are closed ✨

Hux x Reader (no pronouns)

AN: So I’m headed on a little road trip with my sister today, and as soon as I get back, I’ll be packing up and moving, and then immediately starting work at my new school 😱 I’m not sure how this will affect my writing schedule etc, but don’t be too surprised if I’m MIA for the next week or so. I promise I’ll get back to my requests ASAP 💖 love you all 🥰🥰🥰

Warnings: ANGST, infidelity, language, not a happy ending really 🙁

Even in your most creative thoughts, it’s hard to imagine a more pathetic situation than this one. You’ve been in love with General Hux, your boss, for as long as you can remember, too cowardly to tell him how you feel. And now you’ve been forced to plan, and attend, his fucking wedding. To someone else.

You fidgeted through the whole thing: the dinner, the reception, the ceremony. Spent the whole time chewing your lip to pieces with your eyes fixed on the general, waiting for him to say something, to stop this. You could imagine how it would happen perfectly—a vision that sustained you through the whole event.

It would happen during the vows; he'd begin reading the words—the ones that you prepared for him, words about fidelity and commitment but completely void of love—and then he'd falter, pause, and his eyes would find you in the back of the crowd. The audience would fill with whispers, but you wouldn't notice at all, wouldn't hear any of it because he'd be looking at you, he'd see you looking so beautiful in the attire you chose especially for this moment and he'd realize that he’d been blind this whole time, and now . . .

The vision always got a little fuzzy there, but it was only because you couldn't wait for your favorite part: the one where he kissed you in front of all those people, a kiss so dramatic and consuming that everyone would know that it was you he loved. That it had always been you.

It didn't happen that way. No matter how deeply you tried to immerse yourself in a daydream, you couldn't miss the moment your general and his betrothed were pronounced man and wife, and the commitment was sealed with a kiss. The light smattering of applause must have been loud enough to hide the sound of your heart shattering, because no one else seemed to notice.

It’s long over now. You’re alone in the reception area, halfheartedly ripping the silk tablecloths from where they lay before balling them up and throwing them into a messy pile. You don’t have to do it, someone will be coming along to clean up eventually, but you’d like to keep busy. If you go back to your quarters, you’ll have to be alone with your thoughts.

Hux announces his presence with a slight cough that still manages to startle you, and when you turn to face him your heart breaks all over again. He looks very handsome in the uniform he wears, one made especially for this occasion—regal but not too flashy—and your breath catches in your lungs despite your mind's insistence that you're no longer allowed such feelings.

“I thought I’d find you in here, Lieutenant,” he says to break the silence, and you nod as you feel your cheeks grow warm.

“Congratulations, General,” you reply, and you almost manage to sound like you mean it, “or should I call you your highness now?”

He gives you the slightest of smirks, just a hint of a smile in response to your attempt at humor, but you can tell what he’s thinking. Emperor Hux—a title made no less impressive when you consider that it was gained through marriage. It’s what he’s always wanted; you can be happy for him.

“General is still appropriate,” he replies, bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet with pride, “I’m still your commanding officer.”

“Of course, sir,” you reply, and then, because you can’t avoid the subject any longer, "is Bristol getting ready for your departure?" It's the one concession you’ve allowed yourself—refusing to use her title whenever she isn't around. Normally you’d be smug about it, like somehow you were getting back at her, but now it just leaves you feeling empty.

“She's actually entertaining the allegiant general at the moment, in my quarters,” he replies with feigned indifference, even though you know how he feels about Pryde, “he knows her father, apparently they used to be in acquaintance.” You purse your lips in response; there’s really no need for words. It doesn't surprise you that they would get along.

You had wanted to like Bristol. Before you ever met her, you had been determined to like her, hoped desperately that the general had found someone kind and loving and devoted, because he deserved happiness and acceptance even if you weren't the one giving it to him.

Whatever you were hoping for, Bristol is . . . something else. She's beautiful, certainly, and intimidating and determined—all things you would expect from the future empress of her own star system. You've also found her to be unnecessarily cruel and demanding, towards you at least, and anyone else she thought she could look down on.

Not that it matters—you're not the one married to her. And while she might not be affectionate towards the general, she had also never been openly antagonistic. Plenty of people lived through loveless marriages. The general must have taken this into account and decided that it was a worthwhile sacrifice.

They're a handsome couple. A smart couple. And soon enough, the hurt and the wanting would fade and you would be able to move on with your life. He'd just have to stop looking so nice in his uniform first.

"There's something else I need, lieutenant," he says, pulling you from your thoughts, "before I leave. I have some last minute notes, some reminders I forgot to mention before, for my absence." You can’t help but purse your lips again, this time to hide a smile of your own. He's been more nervous about his trip back to the Alfospar System than he had ever been for the wedding, and you can’t really blame him. Two weeks is a long time for someone like him to be away from their work. 

"I know I told you there'd be no talk of work today,” he continues, “but if you wouldn't mind-"

"Please, general, of course I'll take the notes," you interrupt with a smile, "I never believed that you could resist talking about work for a whole day."

You shouldn't tease him like this; you have to stop teasing him at all, because he tries not to smile again, and your pulse starts to race. Whenever he makes that stupid face, all you can think about is peppering his cheeks with kisses, teasing him again until he really would smile and you could bask in the happiness that you created. He only has to hide his smiles when he’s around you, and you’re stupid enough to think that means something. 

"They're in my quarters," he waits for you to drop the table cloth you'd been worrying in your hands throughout the conversation, and then you follow him through the dark and quiet corridors. Neither of you speak—you've spent too much time together to find the silence uncomfortable. Unfortunately, that means that you can hear every word coming from the open door to the general's quarters as soon as you approach.

Maybe they think they're being quiet, or maybe their voices carry, or maybe neither of them mind at all that anyone could wander right outside the door, listening to every word of what should be a private conversation.

"You could have done worse, dear, I'll give you that at least," it's Pryde's voice, his words traveling down the hallway; it’s like he's right next to you, like these are words that you're meant to hear, too, and your heart clenches in your chest because you know that's not the case.

"How exactly could I have done worse, general?" That's Bristol speaking, obviously, her tone all-too familiar, like she's suffering from a headache and she believes you're the cause. You have to stop this conversation now, before one of them says something that can't be unheard. You're about to take the first step, ready to announce your presence with some inane comment that would make Bristol roll her eyes and would hopefully make Pryde swallow whatever insult was about to leave his mouth. You're about to take the first step when Hux stops you with a hand on your shoulder and a look in his eyes that puts an end to any argument.

You hope to the gods that Pryde will, by some miracle, say something nice. Or at least, something not overtly mean. You listen and you wait, brimming with foolish hope, your eyes fastened on the general, watching the way his jaw tightens as he holds his breath, waiting for Pryde to respond.

"You know," he begins, and you can already hear the mirth, already know that his next words are going to be painful and you won't be able to protect the general from them, "I'm not actually sure." There's a slight pause and then the room is filled with their bright, callous laughter, laughter that spills out of the open door and floods the hallway so completely that you feel you might suffocate in it.

"I mean honestly, I don't think I've ever met a man so weak-willed," Bristol speaks again, and she's breathless from laughter, "he is absolutely spineless-"

"Thin as a slip of paper and just as useless," Pryde interrupts,"that's what his father used to say about him."

Bristol laughs again—just a short bark this time—before she responds, "Well, he's certainly no Brendol."

"You'd have thought his father could have beaten him into shape, but . . ." they laugh again—there’s no mistaking General Pryde’s true meaning—and General Hux has heard enough. Before you can even process everything they’ve said, he's turned on his heel, walking back the way you came.

General Hux always walks fast—because he always has places to be, he says—but you have to jog to catch up to him this time, and even then you lag behind. You stumble after him in your dress shoes, cursing the way they pinch your feet before giving up and ripping them off, pursuing him around the corner.

He goes to his office, probably because there's nowhere else for him to go, and you stop just inside the doorway, trying to catch your breath. He busies himself, or tries to, fidgeting with the sparse materials on his desk—intermittently picking up his data pad, dropping it again, running a coarse hand through his hair, then gripping the back of his chair with white-knuckled hands. It strikes you, in this moment, that you've never seen the general cry before. It makes sense—there's never really been a reason for it, but you wish he would cry now, as you feel your own eyes sting with tears, because, somehow, seeing him like this is so much worse.

“General,” your voice is too timid when you speak, and you clear your throat, willing away the tightness that grows steadily as you hold back your tears. He doesn’t look up.

 You go to him, take both of his hands in your own, trying to still him, trying to hide the fact that you're shaking too. In all your time together, you've never seen him act this way. It frightens you.

"I'm sorry." It's not enough, but it's all you have to offer: a fitting metaphor for your relationship. He doesn't respond, won't even look at you with those ice green eyes. "They're wrong about you, sir." You can hardly believe that you have to say it out loud. How could he not see what you saw?

"No, lieutenant," he's dejected in his response, almost hopeless, "I don't think they are." For a moment, it feels like your heart might explode with anger, an all-encompassing anger that fills you whenever you think of Brendol Hux. The general never told you much about his relationship with his father, but you’ve put together some of the pieces. Even after all this time—after all his success—he still falls into the traps set for him by that man. Still finds it so easy to believe that he is worthless despite all the evidence to the contrary.

"How can you say that?" You cup his chin in your hand on instinct, gentle but insistent, forcing him to look you in the eyes. If you weren't so distracted by the conversation at hand, you might have realized that this was the first time you'd ever laid a hand on his bare skin, skin that’s soft and cool beneath your fingers, might have better registered the electricity setting your palm alight at the contact, might have noticed the slight flush that materialized over the general's cheeks in response to your touch. But the anger still clouds your senses, and you don’t notice any of it. "Who knows you better, general? Me or them?"

You've caught him now. You feel the delicate flex of his jaw muscles shift, as he opens his mouth, prepared to argue with you, and then freeze when he realizes that he has nothing to say.

 "You are many things, sir, but spineless is not one of them," you take advantage of his silence, speaking faster, trying to get the words out as quickly as possible so that he won't have to spend another moment in this pain. "I don't think I've ever met anyone braver, or more determined, or more suited to lead . . ." You trail off there, your face growing warm. The nature of your position, your hand on his jaw, has drawn you closer, his face wandering unthinkingly towards yours, and you could count his eyelashes from this distance, number each and every one of his freckles if he'd just stay this close.

"Lieutenant-" General Hux doesn't try to pull away, but there's some distance in his tone. You know what he's thinking. You’re thinking it, too, of course. But you’ve never gotten this close before. 

"Can I kiss you, sir?" You shouldn't, but you have to. If he'll let you. If he wants you to.

"Why?" You feel the whispered question brush up against your cheeks, and despite everything else, you know that this is your moment.

"I just want you to know what it's like," you say, "to feel loved." You wait, take the opportunity to breathe him in, share the same air—something you've done for years but never like this, never close enough to feel the heat of it—the tip of your nose just barely brushing against his as he nods, and he’s shaking a little.

It's not the kiss you had envisioned, as you cup his face in both your hands and pull him closer. You move deliberately, let him watch until he goes cross-eyed and then his eyes fall closed, and your lips meet his, so soft it's more the ghost of a kiss than anything. You wait for him there, wait for him to reciprocate the affection you give him, and he does, pressing his mouth against yours with a tentative kind of tenderness. It's not the kiss you had imagined—it's everything.

You move together, slow and gentle, two familiar people learning each other in an entirely new way, and it's intoxicating—being held by him, feeling the way his hands trail your spine, the way the pad of his thumb traces your jaw. It would be perfect, if he didn't belong to someone else.

"What are we going to do now?" He pulls away just long enough to whisper the question and you don’t let yourself respond, kissing him again while you still can. You don’t want to admit it just yet, but you have no idea what you’re going to do. You haven’t got a clue.

[atrophiedcompassion]

having watched TROS for the second (and final) time in the cinema, here’s my full spoiler abundant review, also with comments on the nonalogy as a whole.

the movie works a lot better aka is more enjoyable the second time. we know what’s happening and i could relax and enjoy even the dumb moments and allow myself to feel, to be washed into the music and just feel my good feelings towards the finale.

the plot is still dumb as rocks, with the new old villain, resurrected. who not only is back but is giving our heroes a chance to find him before all shit breaks loose. why is the emperor so fucking arrogant?? why did TROS/JJ keep arguably the worst plot from TLL namely the race against a certain but exact time to do something to save the day?

the rey as palpatine still makes no sense. why did the jedi (in particular obi wan) call to her when she has the first force vision back on takodana if rey’s a palp?? JJ truly pisses on his very own movie isn’t he? and the emperor himself, he wants rey dead, twice he tells this verbatim to KR and then comments the rey killing plot was foiled to commander pryde...but then he actually welcomes her with open arms? or did he foresee his new death by rey should she reach exogol still alive? why should this death stick? ugghghgh.

the movie moves at record pace, no time to grieve, no time to catch your breath. the falcon/poe does impossible feats. the trio is united only to trail rey, finn in particular acting like a puppy. the only scene with finn that had any weight and developed his character was the scene with jannah when they’re fixing the falcon. BUT even then...i thought it was fine for the Force to guide finn out of his servitude. but maybe let the other former stormtroopers have some fuxking free will. not the force guiding them. there were so many moments when finn could’ve inspired former fellow stormtroopers to put down their weapons, but no. the spy could’ve been a stormtrooper, not the ridiculous hux doing things out of spite...

the worst scene in the movie? rey going on a fucking stroll on pasaana to meet kylo ren’s ship...and before that, the knights of ren literally posturing on a rock. i laughed out loud in the cinema it was so utterly ridiculous.

it’s all fucking plains, the fucking audience could see rey advancing through ochi’s ship screens. but somehow chewbacca gets captured and there’s a second transporter. the whole scene plays just so we can set up rey’s sith lightning abilities..?? fucking hell.

c3po’s sacrifice works for me. it’s the first moment of the rewatch where i got truly emotional and shed actual tears. and it’s not really cheapened by his memory being restored, since Finn actually mentions r2 might have a backup which 3po dismisses in his usual fashion. so 3po actually believed he was going to be fully erased. and that’s what matters. i found the 3po humour almost on par with the OT, although sometimes poe’s wayyy too aggressive with him. (i mean, poe loves droids, or at least his droid bb8, but is awfully dismissive of both 3po and D-O, just to fill in the han role i guess? it’s overdone)

the fight on the destroyer/kimiji is ok, again rey with the aggressive stance and the reveal is....nothing. rey has NO fucking reaction. she like scrunches her nose a little. she was just told the JJ equivalent to luke finding out vader’s his dad and rey’s just like. oh okay. bummer.

she should’ve fucking jumped like luke did. and maybe be retrieved on the falcon somehow. she should’ve expressed some pain. but no. rey’s just as calm as before. maybe even calmer, now that she knows the whole truth.

the death star sequence. dumb as hell to imagine the dagger has coordinates to the fucking wreckage of DS2??!??! who made it and when??!?!??! but let’s not overthink this. you get force powered rey making the ride with the skimmer and finding herself attacked by dark!rey..and then kylo come by and apparently knows this? because he tells her that now she’s tainted and can’t go back to leia either??!

WHAT THE FUCKKKK does JJ not know how the fucking force works??? i mean was it a fucking inside joke when han says that’s not how the force works in TFA??? uughghghgh. i know TROS is trying its best to almost completely retcon TLJ, but the way the Force was described there, like a balance, decay from where new life spawns, THAT WAS A GOOD THING FFS!!!!

no, JJ thinks that jedi are all pure beings and sith are dark brooding monsters and if a jedi or equivalent has even the faintest connection to the dark side, they’re fucking done!!!!!! (when the FUCKING OT SAYS THE FUCKING OPPOSITE, even a shred of goodness can help you get back to the light)

and if that was SUPPOSED to be KR’s way of getting rey to join him on his fieldtrip to exogol...my god he’s fucking dumb as hell. rey’s resisted his offer every fucking time (altho during the force call on pasaana he tells her he will turn her and she says we’ll see. she didn’t say no lmao), why would she fucking say yeah sure now? just because she had a fucking vision of dark herself??!?!?

still, dark!rey is fucking hot and i will probably cosplay her sometimes soon.

then comes the kylo - rey fight on the death star wreckage, where she attacks him, she’s aggressive, and is bested. and he’s about to kill her (even though he told her he has other plans, LOL) and then leia calls. or her call to her son finally reaches him (no more voicemail) and he falters, drops the saber and is impaled by rey.......who also senses leia’s passing.

and we have ben again and the scene with han solo plays and it’s pretty fucking emotional. but i wish he had said father and not dad. dad feels unearned. father would’ve worked best, especially for such a serious, stoic char like ben, dad is far too playful. i would’ve wanted a moment more of ben mourning his mother too, but the movie’s gotta be done in 30 mins so we have no time for allowing emotional moments to sink in. note: finn & poe are in such a rush to get to leia they don’t even have time to wait a sec to be told properly that she’s fucking dead. fuck you movie.

the scenes with luke are good. of course, luke backtracks all of his development in TLJ (because fuck you that’s why) and apparently everyone knew she was a palpatine but they still trained her because fuck logic? this is just like the PT where they end up training anakin because they made a promise to a dead guy. lmao. and how convenient is that there’s another lightsaber, otherwise how would rey make an x at the end to (presumably) end palpatine?? hmmm. i said the jedi leia scene/flashback worked for me the first time i saw it, but in hindsight, the scene and motivation really takes a steaming dump on leia’s character, a mother afraid of her son and unwilling to help him. fuck you JJ. we never needed leia wielding a lightsaber. we only wanted leia using the force in some way that felt organic to her character. (sidestep: up until attack of the clones? when yoda first uses a lightsaber, i assumed he was enlightened and didn’t need actual weapons to wield the force. well, i hoped leia could be like that enlightened master yoda. but like all bad things in the SW universe, she ended up being as awful as puppet yoda with a toothpick lightsaber, cause how would we know she’s a jedi otherwise????)

so. because she refused kylo, and ended up alone on exogol and with the resistance trapped there, she’s actually considering palpatine’s offer??! and realises she has maybe another option when she senses ben’s there too??! then why the fuck didn’t they go together??!?! oh wait. i forgot she wanted to exile herself on ach-to LMAO.

and still. the whole palpatine plot train-wreck could’ve still worked had they actually used the pretty cool concept of Force Dyad for something good. i mean, KR tells this to rey on the destroyer. but apparently palp can’t do the math and is surprised when he takes a sip of their life essences??! like what the actual fuck, why isn’t palpatine aware of this?? if he (+plagueis) made vader and then he conceived his son. and then vader had leia and leia had ben and palp’s son had rey........why is KR able to put this together and not the FREAKING MASTER PUPPETEER of the whole fucking galaxy??!?!

anyway. back to the force dyad. we have awsome ben solo and rey reunited. ready to fight palps. but no. he freezes them and sucks the life force out of them. maybe the power of the force dyad of light users could be harmful to a sith?!??! maybe the power of a force dyad would help ben & rey resist palp?! maybe the power of a force dyad could be used to defeat palp?

but no. we get ben solo thrown into a pit so that palp and rey could reenact whitney houston’s hit

or, even worse, the year’s most anticipated battle of one liners: endgame. yeah, it was cool to hear all the jedi clamouring for rey, but this could’ve still worked as the jedi finally supporting ben skywalker organa solo for fucking once in the guy’s lifetime.

but no. JJ said fuck ben solo. he’s only good to give the life back to rey, then he can fuck off. i am not a reylo and i am not too bothered by ben’s death, as much as i am by his misuse. i mean, in such movies, we never really have to deal with reformed bad guys making amends. vader died, and so in a way, ben dying too and not having to be courtmartialled is actually convenient.

i have read some analysis where ben & rey being happy together is the undoing of anakin’s sad demise and brings peace to the skywalker line rather than pain and despair and that’s a valid premise, but realistically, ben’s death makes sense. they’d never be happy together in a hut somewhere, because ben still has to pay for a lot of damage. BUT his death is nothing but the crippling of the skywalker line, after a palp had defeated the palps. his death has little meaning in the story. them being a force dyad has little meaning, apart from powering palps back to his rots appearance. lmao

and finally, the death of ben is never mourned, never acknowledged. no-one is even told on screen about his return to the light (maybe maz felt it, when leia’s body vanished...) and his deeds. that kinda sucks. because luke took a moment to have a ceremony for vader, the force ghosts came through. here...we get nothing.

and then rey buries the anakin saber and leia’s saber on tatooine in sand no less (we need a sketch of anakin loudly complaining to rey about this)... and instead of finally accepting herself as being sufficient, she tacks on the legacy name. well done JJ.

(that was me when the credits rolled).

now, i love the OT more than life itself and the films give us meta to fill libraries. they are not perfect movies, but they are good, they tell a wonderful story with amazing characters and i will never stop loving them.

then the PT is made of really bad movies that now, in the light of TROS, surprisingly still come together as a trilogy far better than the ST lmao.

i still believe that the PT undermines and ruins Vader’s redemption in ROTS, because now you know exactly what he did (reminder: killed 30 children) and it’s hard to swallow. in the end, he dies to save his son and takes down the big bad so we can accept that he gains redemption in luke’s eyes alone and not necessarily in the audience’s. but ben solo didn’t even get that. he got thrown into a pit and crawled out only to give rey life lol.

anyway, TFA was okay at first, but i always had a huge gripe, aka the misuse of Leia and the complete silence on her being a Force user. like don’t even need ligthsaber fights from her, just gimme something explicit of her using the Force. she could’ve at the very fucking least sensed KR when he swoops in and abducts Rey on Takodana. but no. JJ fridged Leia from the get go, because he had no clue what to do with her. and then he fucked her character completely with what he believed was the flashback the fans wanted....UFHGHGHGH

JJ also and truly fridged Luke, because he had no idea what to do with Luke and the whole Force legacy either. he wanted to write a fun Han Solo adventure and by gods he did.

so, Luke. the guy vanishes the opening crawl tells us. he wasn’t abducted, so he must’ve exiled himself. people hating TLJ’s so called character assassination when it comes to Luke should point fingers at the real culprit, JJ. how could Luke do such a thing and run away (like JJ wrote him do) if he hadn’t done something significantly wrong?? it had to be FUCKING HORRIBLE. and so it is. because what Luke did was horrible and it set up for the fall to the dark side of poor, conflicted, manipulated and unloved Ben Solo. but had it not been THIS awful, then Luke’s self imposed exile, shame and guilt wouldn’t have made any fucking sense. so, TLJ haters, think again WHO was the person who wrote Luke running away for 10 years and allowing all that shit to happen?? it wasn’t Rian Johnson, that’s for sure. he merely justified the absence in a way that made sense plot-wise and actually character-wise too.

on repeated viewing, TFA isn’t that good, it’s a rehash of ANH and the stakes are never as good as the original movies. we all kinda know the heroes will save the day

TLJ, i liked, but the canto bight plot really falls flat. this is where RJ did some char assassinations: Poe. Poe is the cocky pilot who singlehandedly destroys the Resistance’s arsenal LMAO. and next scene he turns into sexist macho asshole trope itself, with his immediate and unfounded disdain of Holdo and her plans to keep our heroes safe. so he concocts a harebrained plan that doesn’t work. maybe it was intended as a refreshing look over this trope of barely a plan of the heroes always coming to fruition at the very last second, but the way it’s presented, it somehow really undermines all the characters involved, including newcomer Rose. at the start a breath of fresh air in the age of mindless heroics, the voice of reason,  soon enough she too is pulled apart and becomes a sudden love interest...?? she is then reduced to a side’s side char in TROS, but she has space buns, so that’s cool right? that’s what SW is all about, women in space buns. fuck!

and yet, TLJ handled Luke, Leia, KR and Rey wonderfully and laid down some great ideas, Rey having no lineage, the Force Bond between her and KR, the catalyst for KR’s fall to the dark side, the little good in him, as sensed by both Leia and Rey...and set up a finale where, i believed and hoped, KR would be the main villain.

with the trailer spelling the probable return of palpatine, i kinda lost faith in TROS before it even hit the theaters. in fact, my faith in the movie was shot the moment JJ was brought on board.

we had a new villain, another race against time to save the day, and our heroes tell us again and again that it’s fine to share the burden, that they are not alone, that there are more good guys than bad - and when the ARMY OF PEOPLE came to exogol, it’s a wonderful scene. it works for me and it did both times. i know it’s awful that no-one came to leia’s call on crait, but here lando picks up (when lando says hello there, it’s not only panties that drop) half the galaxy, but somehow it still made me well up.

but, despite this very explicit message, our heroine fights alone. she faces palps alone and almost makes a bad decision, is alone in her final battle, is alone at the end. how truly horrible. instead of having ben and rey defeat palps together, rey has to do it alone, out of faux-feminism. it’s sickening. it’s stupid. and that’s not star wars and the star wars message. luke was not alone at the end, he was with friends, with family.

but she’s from a bad bloodline and she should die childless. ughhh. totally not hopeful, totally not satisfying message to have for the finale of the skywalker saga.

[theshijlegacy]

Rise of Skywalker ramblings

Saw RoS last night and loved it. 

I’d seen the mixed reviews and was a bit apprehensive going in, but was pleasantly surprised in a lot of ways.  It kept some of the spirit of TLJ that I liked while still delivering a lot of the “safer” Star Wars story that I expected.  Being part of a super enthusiastic opening night crowd is always fun too.  And it’s nice to see that I’m not the only person who liked the whole 7-8-9 trilogy!

Spoileriffic thoughts below.

--Rey Palpatine was one of the theories I’d kicked around, but it would have been nice if she really was nobody, like the Force doesn’t care who you’re related to. Timeline-wise she would have been better off as his great-granddaughter but I completely buy Sheev having lots of kids and/or having some later in life.

--I’d been running with the “Skywalker is the new name for Force user” theory for a while, but I’m OK with Rey adopting it as her last name.  She doesn’t have to be a Palpatine and the name of the family that saved the galaxy is continuing.

--HOLY CRAP FINN IS FORCE SENSITIVE.  I would love it if that was what he wanted to tell Rey.  (Best answer from Reddit: “I’m in love with Poe and don’t know how to tell him!”)

--Ben Solo didn’t make it to the end!  I was convinced he’d get a redemption arc and live happily ever after. Props to JJ/whoever for going in that direction, especially with the Jedi fadeout.

--The opening crawl getting right to "oh hey the emperor isn't really dead.” So happy they didn't drag out the “when-do-we-see/hear-the-emperor???” mystery

--Sheev Palpatine and his motherfucking contingencies for contingencies, plans-within-plans shit.  This guy was a thousand steps ahead of everyone else, all the time.  Got a glimpse of that in Empire’s End too.

--LOL the tank of Snoke clones.  Sheev loves his clones, in both canon and legends!

--Poe’s lightspeed skipping.  Poe being an ex-spice runner.  Poe and Zorii!  Poe in general.  Poe is great.

--Luke/Leia training flashback!!  Leia's lightsaber!!!!  Which she presumably built herself!!!!!

--3-way Finn/Poe/Rey hug.  And the sound of a thousand fanfics being composed…

--More First Order defectors who had been kidnapped as children.  (Also a plot point in Empire’s End, complete with a 6-year-old-ish Armitage Hux ordering around a group of kidnapped-and-brainwashed child recruits)

--Hux being the mole, not because he agrees with the resistance, but because he hates Kylo Ren.  I bet he was hatching a plan as soon as Snoke was killed.

--Force-healing onscreen!  And it wasn’t just “Force magic” (which I also would have been OK with), it was actual taking life from one to give to another.

--Rey was noticeably better at lightsaber fighting.  She was… not great in TFA.  Only slightly better in TLJ.  Her year of training really shows and I like that we’ve seen a pretty clear progression.

--Rey stopping that transport with some Kyle Katarn shit and Kylo trying to get it back and OH SHIT REY SHOT OUT FORCE LIGHTNING  

--Palpatine: GLADoS edition has been added to my recent “horrifying scene that works but really gives me the creeps” list (also includes flashback to Coulson resuscitation/brain surgery with him repeating “just let me die” on Agents of SHIELD, Brainy getting rebooted on Supergirl)

--Aside from his GLADoS-esque support arm complete with wires, I liked undead-Palpatine's look - missing fingers, whited-out eyes, and his transformation after he stole life from Rey & Kylo.  Especially the red-lined robes.

--Got serious Endgame vibes at the end with all the ships showing up. Husband unit also pointed out the parallel of “I am inevitable”/”I am Iron Man” and “I am all Sith”/”I am all Jedi”

--OMG ALL THE JEDI SPEAKING TO REY.  I didn’t recognize everything at first but I heard Obi-Wan (young & old), Yoda, Mace Windu, Ahsoka(!!!!!), and Anakin.  Per the credits, voices also included Qui-Gon(!), Luminara Unduli, Aayla Secura, Adi Gallia, and Kanan Jarrus(!!!!!).  Two notable absences: Cal Kestis and Ezra Bridger.  I can accept Cal’s fate as TBD since Fallen Order just came out, but this is really good news for Ezra.  I am now super super interested to see where these two have been.

--Kept the Rey/Kylo force-connection deal.  It weirded me out in TLJ but I’m really glad it was kept here.

--Wedge coming back for one last ride!  (and aging pretty well, wow)

--RIP Snap.  :-( I’d grown a bit attached to him after the Aftermath trilogy, but I think Norra and Brentin would have been proud.

-- ForceGhost!Luke has a new attitude; I guess being dead for a while tends to mellow you out.  I am still 100% OK with his character in this trilogy.

--Kylo not being as good at fighting after he dropped the dark-side allegiance – specifically the 6v1 fight against the Knights of Ren before he got the lightsaber.  Like he'd been into it so deep for so long he forgot how to fight without it.

--Han coming back one last time for some Ghost Dad Advice

--THANKS FOR NOT KILLING CHEWIE!!  I was seriously worried

--Rey fights herself!

--Where can I buy a replica of that Sith wayfinder?  I do like shiny force-user crystals/holocrons/etc

--Rey finally builds her own lightsaber!  And it’s yellow.

--TAKE THAT REYLOS: Oh you want a kiss huh?  There’s your kiss!  AND NOW HE’S DEAD.

--That whole scene.  Kylo staring at dead Rey.  Kylo force-healing Rey and bringing her back to life.  And now they’re staring at each other, and I’m thinking don’t kiss you idiots, don’t fucking do it.  FUCK they did.  I actually booed out loud.  (I will not deny being a little bit happy that Kylo died immediately after)

--All of the “are you happy Ep 7 & 8 haters???” stuff: Rey is super powerful because she’s Palpatine’s granddaughter, someone bringing up a “why don’t we Holdo this” argument and getting shot down with good reason, showing Leia’s Force powers with a flashback to being trained by Luke AND having her own lightsaber

--The urgent timeline got kind of.. muddled?  Forgotten?  They had 18 hours or 12 and still had time for all those spacejumps and Lando gathering friends from all over?

--A bit too on-the-nose with some of the ROTJ parallels.  Lando in disguise saving the day on a desert planet! Speeder bike chase!  Emperor taunting Our Hero while their friends are losing a huge battle outside!  A Skywalker dies so Our Hero can live!

--Also wondered if one of the writers played SWTOR: Emperor who really isn’t dead uses Super Mega Force Lightning and tries to jump into Our Hero’s body to take over their mind.

After chewing on this for a day, here’s my ranking of Skywalker/Palpatine saga films from best to worst:

5 > 8 > 9 > 4 > 7 > 6 > 3 > 2 > 1

And including Solo and Rogue One:

5 > Rogue One > 8 > 9 > 4 > 7 > 6 > 3 > Solo > 2 > 1

tbh I’m so far into the “inject all Star Wars content directly into my veins pls” territory that I can’t say I hate any of it, and even the cringiest prequel moments are leaps and bounds ahead of a lot of other junk I’ve watched/read/played.  So much about Star Wars is just FUN, and I will gladly handwave away most of my nitpicks (SpeedForce, I ain’t gotta explain shit) for the sake of enjoying the story.  Even the ridiculous stuff that I poke fun at is still a part of the whole mess; it can’t all be great or even good or OK and that is fine with me.  [NOTE: I have not watched the Holiday Special but the husband unit is weirdly enthusiastic about me doing so; it may happen yet this year.] 

I really like this comment from the A.V. Club.  More cynical than my overall take on the whole shebang but I totally know with where they’re coming from.  I don’t agree with all the responses but it’s a pretty good discussion.

[butididnottried]

“The Rise od Skywalker” spoilers.

So, i saw it. I was on a whole night marathon and saw all three movies one after another. I actually like “The Last Jedi”. Like, i really like it. I know all issues and problems that people have with this one, i understand it, and it’s still Very Good to me and there will be some comparisons. Also, i’m not sure if this is important, but SW is not a part of my childhood and i have no nostalgic feelings toward those movies. Hi there, i’m an average fan?

So.

Tbh i expected a pile of thrash on fire after what i read about this movie, because people are only complaining, without really recalling anything good (but i also avoided big and long and detailed reviews to avoid as much information as i can xD). And there are good thing in it, and i had surprisingly a whole amount of fun while watching it. But still, at the end, overall this whole movie can be summarize into CONFUSED WHAT.

Good stuff:

- J. J. Abrams know how to invoke a fell and spirit of grand adventure. At the beginning this move has a crazy amount of it, until Rey split from Finn and Poe. They just need to go after this mcguffin dagger to find another mcguffin, they need to go to this palce to find that or someone, they need to go somewhere else and there are problems but there’s a solution, but they need to go to third place to again find someone. I would be kinda annoying if we wouldn’t have all three of them together - Rey, Finn and Poe. Finally! I really like them all being together, being friends, bantering, being dumbasses and smartasses and me gusta very much those dorks.

- They do not conform that, but let’s face it - Finn and Poe are married. There’s no heterosexual explanation for their relationship in this movie. I’m aware that in script they weren’t particularly wrote like that, and maybe it’s because actors were playing their character in this way, but there’s another explanation. A few months ago in review of “X-Men: The Dark Phoenix” i read that Hollywood just don’t know how to wrote real male friendship, full of emotions, and they end up using romance tropes and cliches. And Finn and Poe are perfect example to uphold that theory. Like, really, look at them, they’re bantering like an old couple.

- I really like Reys path in this movie. Seeing all three movies together shows how much she grow with every next installment. In TFA she is nice and joyful character, but kinda basic; in TLJ she learn more about how world works, about herself and choose her own path. And now in TROS she is very conflicted, torn apart and sacred of her own powers, while trying to stay herself. And Daisy Ridley really hit the spot with her performance.

- Leia had an lightsaber? And was training with Luke? And now she was teaching Rey? Like... FUCK YEAH?! And also Finn? Force sensitive? YEAH BABY!

- Rey and Kylo fight on ruins of Death Star surrounded with raging ocean and those exquisitely animated giant and heavy waves. So good? SO GOOD.

- Palpatine went full Thor and every cell in my body was hollering with laughter. As soon as it’s possible someone need to edit this “unlimited power!” yell to this scene. Please.

- ahahahahaha, Hux, you magnificent, pathetic, petty asshole, ahahahahaha.

- this is not about movies, but there was a fake fanboy at my screening. Between TLJ and TROS this dude behind me was explaining sequels to his friend and i was typing a message to my friend, so the only thing that i heard was “the first movie did Abrams, you know, the one that made LOTR, and the second one did Johnson , and he is ooold.” I have no idea what to do and think about this.

- new ways of using force. Hell yeah. Force the shit out of this. Stronger force skype? Totally. Teleportation things on purpose through force? Absolutely. Being almost in two places at once through force. I’m totally here for that. Rey being probably the most competent person in force? Kick their asses baby, i’m holding yo flower!

- MERRY!!!???

??? stuff:

- apparently reylo is incest, because Rey and Kylo are related. Really? How? Is there in any movie any, even smallest, hint that Skywalkers and Palpatines are blood related? I have no idea.

- The way how droid are treated in those movies is troubling. Are they alive? Are they self-conscious? Or they’re an artificial intelligence so developed that they can with no problems fake that?

- sooo... Kylo. I love this problematic asshole. Well, in case of genocidal murdered word “problematic” is very mild, but whatever. What i read about this movie, people were raging because woman (Rey) exist only to heal a man (Kylo) that was abusing her, but i don’t see that this way. Like, not at all. And how i see how Rey and Kylo plot is developing makes it hysterical, especially after TLJ where Kylo was established as main villain. Because in this movie with every scene Kylo exist more and more as support to Rey story, he’s an walking exposition for Rey and motivation for her to doing things. He was less and less his own character, and was more and more existed for Rey. Like, he totally could be put in the fridge. xD When Rey stabbed him i thought “oh, so they’re killing him now? When were not even close to the end? Well, ok, i do not see a more purpose for him in this plot, so yeah, kill him” but then Rey saved him and i was like ??? because what more you want him to do? And then he disappears for a big chunk of time and show again at the end and he even wasn’t needed here and don’t do that much? Just... lol. Ok, he did That, because it’s “Star Wars” and SW just Works. Like. That. or it’s not Real and True “Star Wars” boo-frikin-hoo. But on that later.

- as a example for Kylo being a lesser character and more of a tool for the sake of the plot is fact, that in TROS Darth Tantrum is weirdly collected and put his shit together. At the beginning when he finds Palpatines lair and learns that this dude was behind all of this, behind forming First Order and all voices in his head, Kylo should lost his marbles and just murdered Palpatine. But even if somehow not, at the news that Rey is emperor granddaughter he absolutely should throw the biggest tantrum in all history of tantrums and not only obliterated Palpatine but also this whole place. But no, he made A Plan and decide to once again to “propose” to Rey. Like she didn’t rejected him definitely in previous movie and like they both not decided that when they meet next time, only one of them are going to survive. But hey, let’s go with this “i want you by my side to rule the galaxy” plot again. :/

- and there they go with that helmet again. In TLJ scene where Kylo destroys his helmet it’s a very powerful moment. Not only for him, but for direction with which the story would go. Because he is not Darth Vader. Because we do not need another Darth Vader. Buuut, on the other side i can let this a pass, because since he agreed to join Palpatine and once again is going to lead The Knights, he needed to wear this helmet again to prove this loyalty and make them trust him. So, hard pass on that. And tbh, that ugly mask looks a lot better with those bright red cracks.

- And also Leia, that was also there only for her son, because as a mother she can’t be anyone else. Aaand... idk about that. Leia force connected to Kylo so he could turn back to the light? She sacrificed herself for him? Eeeeh... it was weird scene. And there’s no clear explanation why? Only Kaz Manata said that this will use Leias all life force that she has? Did i missed something? Did movie forgot about something? For me it looked like Leia was distracting Kylo, because it look like Rey was going to loose this fight, she was more and more angry, and in this moment she would fully go on the dark side. So Leia saved Rey, she felt Reys struggle. At least i it’s how i interpreted this scene, because it’s one of the most baffling one. Just ???

- there’s whole sith culture. Just. There is. But if there’s only two of them at most at a time, they probably exist for far longer to develop all of this, and to build all of this, and to be cooperative with each other? Which is not their strongest trait? And all these people in emperor throne room were past siths force ghosts or real people?

- apparently being a sith and making lightning came out of your palms is genetic? At least i understand that like this. Because the reason why Rey shot lightning while trying to rescue Chewie was not because she was angry and mad and doubting, but because shes Palpatine? What?

- this is a very minor thing, but when Rey enters Death Stars ruins there’s stormtroopers armors lying almost everywhere, but there’s not even a one bone?

- oh wow, a planet get blow up with even more miniaturized death star ray. And they have hundreds of these. And hundreds of destroyers. And no one notices there was whole space army built. How? I can understand that they ignored the space nazis rising again because, well, just look what is happening in real life, but using money and resources at this scale is however something else, very expensive and i can’t believe no one noticed this.  

Bad stuff:

- Rey is Palpatine. What. I mean... what? It’s just... uuugh... Why are you making me thinking about Emperor having sex? I only hope that was some crazy nazi fangirl that totally wanted to fuck him. Or maybe it was artificial insemination? Well, doesn't matter, it’s BIG EEEW in every option. And i don’t want to think about other way. :/ At least it makes sense why Emperor procreate? In other stories al these evil dudes that want to live forever and rule everything are having children just... because they have children. For drama or something, because story needs someone to betray this evil dude, or some other eye-rolling stereotypical reason. Like, having offspring especially to posses their bodies and live forever in this way is not very original, but it’s something.

- TLJ was like “you can be from nowhere, you can be from the bottom of society, you cen be the poor and miserable, without family or amazing heritage, and you can still do amazing things, you can climb up and make a difference, you can be better and better, you can make your own story despite your awful background” and TROS be like “fuck that, viva la royalty, you need a powerful heritage, you need a powerful and important bloodline or you’re nothing”. Oh, how nice is that. :/

- that opening crawl. It’s bad. Just bad. Even worse than “The Phanom Menace” babbling about economy.

- PALPATINE IS NO FUN AT ALL!!! HOW DARE YOU NOT MAKING IAN MCDIARMIND NOT ENJOYABLE AT ALL???!!! SHAME ON YOU ABRAMS!!! SHAME ON ALL OF DISNEY!!! ...well, ok, this was this one small thing, BUT STILL!!! AUGHR!!! I’m so mad about this. I was expecting not a very good movie, but at least i was hopeful that emperor would be such a treat.

- pulling emperor out of nowhere was an mistake. They should stay with what TLJ established and made Kylo main villain. No redemption, no bullshit like “there’s still light in him”, no Ben Solo, no forgiveness, no nothing. Just Rey beating the shit out of him and killing him. End of story. But no, “Star Wars” can’t be like that, it’s not how this world works, THIS IS NOT REAL “STAR WARS” WAAH WAAAH WAAAH. You’re a genocidal murdered? A space nazi? You’re ruling a regime that is weltered in blood of the innocence? Doesn't matter, there’s always hope. Just do one small, good thing and you will be at peace. Fuck off with that. At the end of TLJ when Kylo entered that mine, and rebel survivors entered deck of Falcon, and Rey and him were still force connected, and she cutted off him because she understands that there are things that can’t be forgave, and there are people that do not want help and just don’t want to be better and fuck “Steven Universe Future” did that a lot better on eleven minutes, and SW series is struggling with this since beginning. Because there’s white and black, good and evil, and there’s nothing in between, and when someone comes from one side to another they become a completely different person because yes that how it works. And people are totally here for this because it’s for kids and it needs to be simple and we can’t let this story grow beyond that stupid absolute duality. I know that there are people that were on far right but they changed and become better and good for them, but if you want to do that in your story, show the struggle of this difficult path and let this scum survive and face the consequences. Take at least a minimum of responsibility of what you’re showing to kids. :/ But nooo, he was stabbed, his mom died, his dad showed up and said... something, and now Kylo is dead, and Ben alive again. Sarcastic yay. Also, if you’re repeating dialogue from first movie, in almost this same situation, but in a different context, EARN IT. Second also, that kiss. Eeeeh... If you really need to be Like That and made some weird understanding between them, maybe just make they touch their foreheads? And oooh, yes, i almost forgot. At my screening when Kylo flopped at the ground, died and vanished, the whole audience laughed. But it wasn’t a loud, merry laugh, but a nervous and awkward, like “did i just saw this cringy shit?”. Amazing.

- they remembered about Knight of Ren. And did nothing with them. They just were showing up here and there through the whole movie without any purpose. But that’s Johnson fault, that he did not include them in TLJ. No wonder that they did not have time for them in TROS. Just waste.

- the amount of fanservice is killing me. I have nothing against it, if it’s just a nice treat for fans here and there, but when a whole movie is dedicated to it it’s just not very bearable. And plot suffer from it, because instead of write a good story they’re focusing at how to connected these thing from original trilogy.

[redcole]

Soft Kylux prompt: Hux is getting older and the strain of ruling the galaxy does take a toll. Looking in the mirror one morning he notices something, he's starting to go grey in increasingly wide patches. Kylo's always told him how beautiful his red hair was, so he can't help but worry, will he still think he's handsome?

The golden circlet had left a tiny line on his head, but that wasn’t what caught his attention. It was the silver that was moving into his hair. When him and Kylo had overthrown Snoke together it had been a lot of work to pull the galaxy under their control. Maybe it was stress or just genetics but he could see that he was going to lose a lot more of his red. Most of it in fact. Dull silver with a hint of copper in it.

His hair had never been important to him, but over time he had started to love it. It had been because of Kylo. The way he would praise it when they laid in bed. He would run his fingers through Hux’s hair and call him his sunshine. Although he would never admit it over the years he looked forward to the times when Kylo would play with his hair.

The first few grey hairs didn’t worry him, they were in a patch, but small enough that all it did was make him look dignified. Now it was taking over the colour. He wondered if Kylo would still think he was handsome when the last of his colour was gone and all that was left was the silver. There would be nothing special about him then, as his father had always said.

He would just be like any other old bureaucrat, softening in the middle.

Part of him wondered if it was worth getting a treatment to hide what was happening. As much as he mocked Kylo for being clingy, he wondered if it would eke out a little more time of extra attraction.

He dragged his fingers through his hair and started guiltily as he heard the door open. It was all vanity anyway, he had better things to worry over.

“You cleared out the last of the rebels?”

Hux said the words without looking, only Kylo would be able to enter their quarters without being announced.

“At least one nest of them.”

He felt the tension ease out of his shoulders just a touch, it was another headache gone. Hux finally turned to Kylo, smiling at he saw his partner. He was as stunning as he had been the day they met, the scar on his face and the few added to his body only made him look rough and dangerous. His long hair was uncontrolled and still shining like polished jet. Somehow Kylo managed to age with grace, only the crows-feet around his eyes gave away that he might be near Hux’s age.

It had only been a few days, but Kylo wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug. He could feel the strength in him, Kylo was so alive. Maybe it was the force keeping him young.

“One less thing to worry about; thank you.”

Hux leaned into the hug, wanting to savour it a little longer. They worked well together, and he always knew that he could depend on Kylo.

“You know I get bored of all the politics, I’m happy to be able to get away. It reminds me of when we first met, back when I used to go into battle.”

Hux laughed.

“You hated me.”

“I adored you, a flash of colour in all that darkness.”

Hux frowned slightly, a flash of colour that was turning grey.

“Too bad it’s muted now.”

“Muted?”

There was no point in pretending, after all they been together for years, deep down he knew that they shared more than his fading looks.

“The grey.”

“You mean the copper?”

Kylo’s smile turned fond and he pulled out of the hug, just enough to drag his fingers through his hair.

“I think it’s beautiful.”

Hux tried not to preen under the praise, no matter how old he got he still reacted to Kylo as if he was still a student at the academy.

“Good, with the way it’s turning that’s all that will be left soon.”

“I think it suits the emperor.”

The pride in Kylo’s voice pushed away the last of his personal doubts. If he could learn to love his red hair that had stuck out like a thumb he could learn how to love the grey. The days when he forgot, Kylo could always remind him.

[ampwich-blog]

SPOILER review of Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Alright, I’m just gonna dive into spoilers and go all out. So if you haven’t seen this movie, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

My thoughts coming out of the theater: WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED? By far, the WEIRDEST Star Wars movie ever! It made me feel like I was on an acid trip or some crap. All psychedelic and what not.....It didn’t help that I hadn’t gotten much good sleep prior, either. I had kept putting off seeing the movie until a day I was more AWAKE. But I decided to get it over with and just go see it already. And boy, is it a weird experience.....I had to actually pinch myself once to make sure it was all real and wasn’t some crazy dream. It is real....WHAT THE HECK. Rian Johnson, Lucasfilm,.....yall need Jesus, lol.

Anyway, let us actually begin.....

The title crawl......The main theme is better this time around. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s actually the theme used in the prequels. (At least, that’s what I could have swore my ears heard) Or at least, an updated version of that same tune, if that makes sense. The scenario the crawl introduces us to is absolutely horrible, in my opinion. The First Order are now in total control?? The Resistance are seriously just another rebellion? REALLY? They legit say it straight up in the crawl, and like a dozen times in a movie....THEY ARE REBELS. UGH.....so much for that good New Republic action.....

The way the movie starts off is pretty neat. I don’t quite remember it, but I do know it showed a bunch of Resistance ships, and panned down to D’Qar. Pretty cool, and I am glad they didn’t just do another star destroyer opening. I was a bit nervous it was just gonna rehash the original trilogy in that aspect.

The bombers leave the planet just as their base is blown away. (Well, I guess destroying a Death Star to save their base in the nick of time AGAIN was pretty pointless) While the ships are cool, they don’t do a whole lot as they just get destroyed all on the spot.....We only see 1 do ANYTHING, and all it does is destroy a frigate (Which has super lasers.....ugh, more super weapons?) before it, too, is blown away. (A lot of luck and chance involved in that whole scene, too) Well alrighty then.....

“This is Poe Dameron of the Republic fleet.” I got chills! I was like, “YEAH!!” “The Republic is gone, Rebel scum,” says Hux. (Something along those lines) I was like “AW, COME ON!” The conversation between Poe and Hux over the intercom was alright, but a little too comedic for a Star Wars movie. But that aside, it was pretty neat and funny. Poe makes a remark about Hux’s mom or something....kind of odd for Star Wars, but still legit, I suppose. Pretty funny moment, anyway. “Can...you hear me?” (Hux would have done a good job working for Verizon) Again, a little too silly, but oh well, fun moment. Hux is tossed around by Snoke (Who had a huge face hologram) from who knows how far away, which felt very rehashy of the Empire days. It took Vader, being the one who communicated with directly and commanded the officers.....and the Emperor, who is a scar faced dark sider who is the leader.....and basically combines those aspects to make Snoke. The First Order really IS another Empire. (And the Resistance really is another Rebellion) They totally act like it in the movie. UGH!!! More on all that stuff later.

They then go on this space chase with loads of First Order capital ships after this 1 Resistance ship and it’s support ships. (Man, the Resistance is WAY smaller than we imagined! And the First Order, likewise, is way bigger!) The whole movie basically revolves around the First Order ships going after the Resistance ships, since apparently the First Order has this new technology that allows them to track ships through hyperspace. (Getting some JJ Abrams’ Star Trek reboot vibes over here.....) So they basically just chase them until they will run out of fuel.....that was more or less the entire movie. Disappointing, yet alright at the same time. I don’t know how to feel about all this......

Finn and Rose go on this weird side quest to do.....THINGS. I honestly forgot what they went to do.....but it had something to do with this key or whatever to Snoke’s ship. They go to Canto Bight, this casino city. Which I thought was gonna be the Cloud City/Kamino of this movie, but apparently not too much, as there isn’t a bunch of landing platforms. The whole city is sort of a big circle-ish platform, SORT OF....so I guess it rhymes in that a little....The horse-thing riding was a bit lame. SO MUCH CGI! SO MUCH SILLY GEORGE LUCAS HUMOR! AAAHHHHH!!!! They had, in the process of running away from the police, freed a bunch of animals. (Basically, mirroring those horse races in real life. The track, the animals in stalls, the rich people betting.....the whole 9 yards) I am told (I was going to the bathroom at this point in the film, as I didn’t care too much about what was going on, and had to pee, lol) that Rose removes a saddle off of one of the creatures and says something like, “NOW our mission is complete.” THAT’S why SHE wanted to go? To save a bunch of “abused” animals? WHAT ABOUT THE SLAVE CHILDREN?! Screw them, I guess.....they’re not animals able to be ridden to escape. So basically, they just USED a bunch of animals for their own needs sake, and called THAT heroic. LOL, what......

Now, about the characters...

Speaking of Finn, he is much more chill in this movie. He was the in-your-face comic relief (Despite his tragic backstory) in the last movie, which I really disliked about his character. But I was pleasantly surprised to see how they treated his character in this movie. He blended in nicely, and was on the same “level” as the other characters. Toward the end, he decides to sacrifice himself to save his friends in the big hanger....place....on Crait. He is flying a ski speeder and going to ram into the big cannon.....I was like “NOO, FINN, NOOOO!” (I actually cared about his character! I’m shocked, too!) But here comes his new lover, Rose, to crash into him and save the day. Kind of ruined the moment, sort of, but oh well, at least he lives!.....? Rose just compromised the Resistance forces to save her crush.....interesting.....and in turn, they will be CRUSHED....ha. But I guess it ultimately all worked out in the end....sort of.....Finn’s sacrifice would have saved more lives though, and been a meaningful, heroic death. But you know.....this movie just isn’t about that life.....heroic, perfect opportunity deaths, what’s that, right? More on that later.

Rose is OKAY, I guess.....though a little crazy. I thought that was her in that bomber in the beginning, but apparently that was her sister. What up with those necklaces, though? Looked like 2 halves of the Rebel emblem, but it didn’t have the middle thing sticking up....basically a big U.....lol, I don’t know. Whatever it was, it looked pretty cool. Reminded me of the real life fan necklaces of the Rebel emblem in half, one side saying “I love you,” the other, “I know.” (AAWWEEE how romantic) This one in the movie, though, of course wasn’t a romantic thing, more like a sibling....bond....thing. By the way, I like how DJ later takes it, in this seemingly desperate situation of barter, but later gives it back, because turns out he just needed it as a conductor for a second, ha.

That new dude, DJ or whatever, is an interesting character. He’s this alcoholic (??) guy who somehow manages to escape jail (Along with Finn and Rose) and make a very not-so-clean getaway. (I mean, seriously....those horses went through walls like 3 times.....Which, by the way, the physics in this movie just defy logic, but more on that later) He turns out to be a traitor and sell them out to the First Order for them good credits....which was a bit odd and not done that well, but it is what it is, I guess. So long, DJ, we hardly knew ya. 

Poe and BB8 are alright in the movie. Poe seems to be this hot head who can’t seem to take orders well, and BB8 seems to show off more of his tools he’s got hidden inside that little sphere body of his. How is all that even possible, anyway? ALL those “fingers” and crap, on top of what was already in there, like that lighter he uses for thumbs up, etc.....How can all that fit in him? Eh, whatever. Poe also meets Rey for the first time (”OH YEAH, they haven’t met yet!” we all realize) which is pretty cool. Yeah.....that’s about it as far as he is concerned.

That new commander lady.....what’s-her-face.....I forgot her name. But anyway.....her character is alright, but kinda lame. She has this whole weird plan that is for the good of the Resistance, yet she acts like it’s this big secret and keeps Poe and everyone else in the dark, making us think she is this traitor person. (Kinda like that Jedi dude in The Clone Wars series) Which, honestly, would have made a way more interesting story. But nope, just a “good guy” with communication problems......The way she goes out, though, is AMAZING! We never seen anything like it. The ship crashing into the bad guys ships by light speed.....slicing through it all like a butter knife....making science question itself as the First Order’s fleet is pretty much obliterated in a weird, stunning, Fruit Ninja fashion. THAT is probably my favorite scene.....However, it should have been Leia who sacrificed herself. It would have been a perfect send away to her character. 

Leia.....She is quite underwhelming in this movie. She does little to nothing....which is a real shame, considering the actress, Carrie Fisher, has now passed away. :( Her last time on the big screen, she didn’t get to do much.....which is very sad and unfortunate. She does not die in this movie, when there was a few opportunities to do so that would have ended the character and done it justice! She could have gone out in a blaze of glory! That should have been her on the Raddius....Whatever-It’s-Called ship! And knowing her character, she would have stubbornly refused to let someone else sacrifice themselves, when she full well could have done so herself. But no.....she’s just like, “Yeah, alright, sure. Good knowing you,” after being convinced way too easily, and she just kinda escapes with everyone else. Before that, (Sorry, this is a bit out of order) she drifted off into space after the bridge was blown up. (Which, by the way, how is it just in tact later in the movie as if that explosion never happened? Am I missing something here? Did I see that right?) That was ALSO a good opportunity to kill her off. (But NO, she’s just still alive and they will have to explain her absence in Episode IX now, seeing as how Carrie Fisher is no longer with us) And what the heck happened there? She just floats in space, (Reminded me of that moment from the Guardians of the Galaxy movie) for a good few seconds, her skin glowing or whatever, and then she manages to use the Force, being all Superman-like, to get back to the ship. ??? WHAT?? Apparently, you can do that with the Force; attract yourself like a magnet to a location.....I shook my head in utter disbelief at that part. I was like “WHAT THE FRICK? BULLCRAP!” To quote Han: “That’s not how the Force works!” I’m sure many of you felt the same way. Did she pull the ship closer to herself, perhaps? No momentum to push herself forward, like all the characters in this universe had to do previously. Just.....WWOOOOOOSSSHHH, steps inside. WELL AIN’T THAT CONVENIENT?

Luke is AWFUL in this movie. He just went to that island to DIE?? He turned his back on the whole galaxy out of self pity, as I suspected. The Luke we knew from the original trilogy would never do that! As I said in my review of The Force Awakens, this is the same dude who stubbornly and stupidly put everything on the line twice just to save the ones he cared about. And now, he just gives up because his nephew went rogue? (For whatever reason...just....SNOKE....?) WHAT?! Unbelievable. Luke became a total coward! What was the deal with the map that led to him in the last movie? They never explain that! It was just kinda there.....for no reason.....He wanted to be left alone and wither away on that island planet. Who the heck created that map and why?? He also went a little crazy. Much like Yoda back in the day, he’s this insane old hermit. I swear, he’s just Mark Hamill wearing a Jedi robe now, the way the character speaks and acts. (Not intended as a diss on Mark Hamill, he’s awesome) And apparently you can just melt away brick buildings? To be fair, the buildings are probably centuries old and he is a powerful Jedi.....(More of a “what the?” moment, really).....The way he dies at the end, while great and cinematic....I guess.....is also a missed opportunity. At first, we are led to believe he somehow went to Crait, and now is walking out to face all those walkers. They fire everything at him, and he doesn’t die! Then, after his fake duel with Kylo, (Do they ever even touch lightsabers? Man, that is a weird sentence.....) it turns out he was never there in person. It was just him.....doing....whatever THAT was. (Astral projection? Making everyone think they saw him there through the Force? I DON’T KNOW) I guess he never did reunite with Leia after all. I mean, sort of, but not really. Were those dice he gave her in memory of Han fake, then? Or can one actually manipulate physical objects while Force projecting or whatever? Honestly, the whole thing was just so confusing and unneeded. He could have actually gone there and went out in a grand way. (Perhaps via his underwater X-Wing, lifting it out like Yoda had in the past. Flying in and surprising those walkers from behind, maybe crashing down into the hanger to join them on foot) But no...he just falls over and dies because he was too exhausted.....or something....It is in his genes to tragically die for no real reason, I guess. After all, his mother died of a broken heart or whatever. I was happy they remembered the lore about disappearing when one dies, though. However, that is only for people who learned that trick of retaining your identity after death. (For those who saw The Clone Wars series) Qui-Gon taught Yoda, Yoda taught Obi-Wan. I guess they taught Luke? Who knows. By the way, milking that weird cgi creature, and drinking it on the spot, was just gross.....A bit.....much......ha.

Speaking of Yoda, he is actually in this movie, it turns out. He looks SO WEIRD. I don’t know what effects they used for him, but it is painfully obvious that it ain’t practical. He looks so different.....less like all those movie versions (Fair enough he would look different here too, I guess, since his look changes a lot) and more like the version of him from the Rebels tv series. Just....WEIRD looking. Apparently, a Force ghost can materialize and physically effect things? Because he was able to hit Luke over the head with his cane, and even send fire to rain upon the old Jedi books or whatever. (Which, by the way, I guess he has since changed his outlet on all that stuff? Being dead now and all, I’m sure he’s had time to reflect and see the true nature of the Force? I don’t know......) If Force ghosts are so powerful, why don’t they ever help out? They can only give advice, I guess? But yeah, he is also pretty solid looking, (Not as in “good,” as in literally, SOLID) and only has a subtle blue glow around him, as opposed to what Force ghosts are SUPPOSED to look like. Weird......Disappointed that we never get to see Anakin, though. Or Obi-Wan for that matter. (Well, that reason is obvious, since the actor is long gone.....but they still could have done Anakin! Since in canon now, thanks to the special editions of the originals, he appears as his young, Hayden Christensen self. I wanna see his reaction to everything that happened......) 

Rey is pretty great in this movie. Especially her whole arc with Kylo Ren. She tries to convince Luke to come back and help the Resistance. (Which I totally predicted would happen....Luke walking away, saying he can’t/doesn’t want to, and Rey walking after him, trying to convince him) Though, surprisingly enough, she never did convince him. However, there also wasn’t any training going on, really. He trained her in “step 1″ or whatever for a couple minutes, but that was IT. All of a sudden, she is now a Jedi, I guess? She is just SO good at everything without any training. We all thought they would at least explain what made her powerful in the first movie. All THAT (What she did in The Force Awakens) could be excused and explained away, I suppose, but this movie definitely hits the nail in the....coffin? (Whatever that saying is)....and makes her even more of a Mary Sue. As for the questions about her origins, like who are her parents, what is her last name, where is she originally from, etc.....KIND OF answered, but not really. Apparently she is a nobody who was sold by her parents for drinking money......Well, there goes all those theories flushed down the toilet, lol. SHE IS A NOBODY? Then why was her family ties kept so mysterious in the last movie, as if she is special? Her last name is never mentioned, (Still not....) we never see what her parents even looked like, nothing. To add to that, everyone seemed to know who she was in the last movie. “If what you say about this girl is true....bring her to me,” Snoke said. Kylo Ren, at least in the book, from what I hear, is like “It IS you.....” Han seems to have a sort of idea who she is, and the way Luke looked at her at the end made it seem like he, too, knew who she was. Wasn’t it confirmed as such, by Lucasfilm themselves, that Luke knew when he saw her, who she was? Guess they changed their mind on all of that. I mean, she can still be someone special. Perhaps Kylo lied to her? 

I mean, anything is possible at this point. Which brings me to another point....Everything that happens in this movie isn’t predictable at all. EVERYTHING you thought you knew going forward was all a lie. Not saying that is good or bad, just saying you’re in for a surprise either way. I do like THAT, at least. How unpredictable this movie is, as opposed to the last movie, where everything was PAINFULLY obvious what the result would be. As soon as you think this movie will go left, BAM, it goes right. Now that aspect I can get behind! (They even mentioned the prequels a bit, regarding how the ignorance and hypocrisy of the Jedi allowed for someone like Darth Sidius to change the fate of the galaxy. I thought they were ignoring the prequels now, but I am relieved to know they aren’t, fully)

Kylo Ren is great in this movie. He is still conflicted, and still a main character, just like Rey is, despite him being a villain. He nearly kills his mom, but decides not to, since the light still has a hold of his soul. I imagine after killing his father, he is more conflicted than ever before. He definitely has some struggle going on. The way he goes about everything, especially as far as Hux and Snoke are concerned, is just intense. He makes them his....b words....and just moves on. It’s insane! Apparently he is the supreme leader of the First Order now.....interesting. We shall see how all THAT plays out. Mother’s army vs son’s army.....Despite him never amounting to his grandfather in terms of being a total boss of a villain, he is still ahead of him in terms of rank and progression. Vader was a slave his whole life....legally one in the hands of slavers during his childhood.....then a “slave” to the Jedi’s strict ways.....and later a slave to the Sith and Empire. He was never the full on LEADER of anything, really, in the grand scheme of things. Kylo, however, is now legit LEADING the bad guy faction. How crazy is that! He just easily kills his master, and full on DESTROYS his rivalry with Hux, basically slapping him in the face and making him bow to his wishes. WHAT A TWIST! Good or bad....I don’t know quite yet. But I can say I am curious what becomes of him in this next movie.....

(By the way, that whole meme...picture....whatever....thing....of him being shirtless, and having this over sized bulgy body was REAL! I thought that was just some random, silly meme someone made. But no, that’s his actual body! WHAT THE HECK? That HAS to be fake! NO WAY! Well, I mean, I think the meme picture thing exaggerated the proportion a bit, but it’s still bulgy and weird in the movie......Wow, listen to me....going on about a man’s shirtless body. This is weird......MOVING ON!)

Kylo and Rey have this weird connection through the Force, being able to not only talk to each other, but also SEE one another in real time. (Force Skype?) That is only one of the few “new” abilities of the Force that apparently exists. (Would have been helpful earlier in the saga, eh?) Turned out, though, it was all Snoke doing that....

Speaking of the devil, SNOKE......WHAT THE FRICK, LUCASFILM? So this butthead of a villain is apparently also nobody significant. I thought he was gonna make it to the end of the trilogy, and be the ultimate bad guy to face later. The ultimate end villain of the saga. Perhaps the dark side itself personified....this....ancient entity of pure evil. NOPE! SLICE! He is dead now, in this crazy twist. As awesome as that twist is in a way, I would still like to know.....WHO THE HECK WAS HE?? Why is yet another dark side Force user leading the bad guys once again? What the HECK does this guy have to do with the extremist remnant faction that is the First Order? From my current knowledge, (That the movies never even talk about) the First Order was formed by Imperials who had fled into the unknown regions, after having been defeated by the now restored Republic, at the end of the Galactic Civil War. They had now sought revenge against the “Rebel scum,” and formed a new organization. This time, they would remove all weaknesses the Empire had, and stop at NOTHING to destroy the Jedi and Republic once and for all. Where the heck does SNOKE fit into all that?! He didn’t even need to be a character at ALL! Take him out of the equation, and the story is still pretty much the same. (I guess, apart from seducing Ben Solo to the dark side, but you could explain that otherwise) You could have had, instead of yet another pale, scarred dark sider.....(Rehashing the Emperor, much? Where did Snoke even GET all those scars and crap?) he could have been some leading general or something, who wanted Kylo Ren as an asset. (Him being from the bloodline of the mighty Vader, after all, as Snoke said) The way he dies, while an awesome twist, is just kinda lame in regard to his character. Here is this, apparently, omnipresent and unstoppable being, brought down by an object that he just kinda ignored, that was turning RIGHT NEXT TO HIM and about to ignite. He could sense EVERYTHING, but apparently not THAT? He can pretty much read peoples thoughts, and control the gravity around them, even from across the galaxy! He can sense EVERYTHING, so it seemed. Then they went all Darth Maul with his death....unbelievable. I’m sure he’ll be back in one way or another. Whether his ghost, or some contingency plan like the Emperor had, or WHATEVER. They can’t just introduce an insane character like him and NOT do something significant and major. We’ll see what happens, I suppose.....If nothing else, at LEAST explain who he was, and why he was leading the First Order to begin with. Please tell me we won’t have to pay for the “DLC” (Books, etc.) to unlock the full story of the movies......

General Hux.....he was alright in the movie. Just kind of a stereotypical “Imperial” officer guy, though, but still the Hux we knew from The Force Awakens. Really nothing much to his character other than that.....I found it hilarious how Kylo Ren just shot down their rivalry and made him lesser than in rank. Pretty funny.....

Captain Phasma SUCKS in this movie, too! She apparently survived being thrown into a trash compacter on a base that got completely destroyed a short while later, 0 explanation given. She just....kinda shows up out of nowhere, “REMEMBER ME?” and has a last stand against Finn. The fight between them was pretty epic, don’t get me wrong, but was very out of place. Then she dies just as stupidly as she was used in this trilogy. Granted, at least it was more of an honorable and epic looking death than being TOLD she was thrown somewhere.....Still, a VERY disappointing character. We never even get to see her face.....really. I mean, part of her mask is ruined and we see her eye....but never her face with her helmet removed, like the promo pictures showed. All around, just an unneeded and awful character. What a crappy villain.

The First Order in general is treated like the Empire in this movie. I guess the people who worked on this movie didn’t see The Force Awakens or get the memo about the era? Even still, I like how toward the end of the Battle of Crait, both sides seem to be rusty and toward their end. I thought they could easily both stop fighting and shake hands any second, realizing the greater good. (You know, one of THOSE cliches) Similar to how in real life back in World War I (Was it?) two sides just started singing Christmas songs, and they both stopped fighting and came together for that 1 day. That didn’t happen in the movie, however. The First Order kept trying to kill the Resistance off, but still, I got the vibe it could end right there at any moment, is what I mean....when they seize fire, and it’s Kylo Ren vs Luke having that stare down conversation. The First Order actually seemed SMALL again, in that moment, as opposed to this mighty reestablished empire the movie presented it as in the beginning. However, they are sort of more like the Separatists at times, seeing all these dang super weapons they got. The big cannons on the Dreadnaught....frigate....pizza slice ship......thing.....The crazy artillery of the Supremacy.....just to name a couple. There was also that battering ram, miniature Starkiller cannon at the Battle of Crait.....All that just reminded me of the Separatists in The Clone Wars series, ha. I guess make the Separatists this smaller, human faction, and give them the ideals and attitude of the Empire, and you get the First Order. Interesting...

So by the end of the movie, the Resistance is apparently a new rebellion now, and ALL OF THEM can fit inside the Millennium Falcon.....I don’t know HOW they are ever going to defeat the First Order, but knowing how plot armor works, I’m sure it’ll be done somehow. I almost think they won’t win in the end, and the First Order will reign supreme in the galaxy. A weird sort of dark, yet oddly hopeful, potential ending to the Skywalker saga. I don’t know how to feel about it, really. The movie broke me!

The movie ends showing these slave boys on Canto Bight, one having the Rebel ring Rose had given him. He looks up to the stars as the distant Millennium Falcon (Which apparently can sort of be seen at that distance?? Geez, I can’t even see Mars when I look up.....lol) speeds away into hyperspace. A neat ending, but a little crappy. I guess we’re just stuck with the Rebellion again......There goes our chances of EVER seeing the New Republic military in action on the big screen. But even still, oddly enough, I found myself kind of LIKING the movie by the end. I found myself being oddly okay with the choice to go back to Rebels vs Empire again. The way they went about it and appear to be heading with the last movie, I get it now. I can finally see what they are going for, and I think I can get behind it. It’s like the END all be all. The end of our rope....Everything has been pretty much destroyed, and here we are in a hopeless yet hopeful situation. Wars can definitely change things for the worse in the long run. 

I am a bit dumbfounded about the whole scenario all over again. (I know, I know, I keep mentioning it. Just bear with me!) It makes the original trilogy and all that happened prior POINTLESS. Jyn Erso and the Rogue One team sacrificing themselves, getting the plans to the Death Star....and Luke later destroying it despite all the odds.....The Rebels having a major struggle against the mighty Empire that is pushing back.....Luke going to save his friends, and putting everything on the line.......The many Bothans that died to bring the Rebels the information that would ultimately lead to a final showdown, with all the Rebels got vs the Empire.....Luke finally managing to bring his father back to the light, and with COUNTLESS losses, to destroy yet another Death Star....and finally bring an end to the Empire once and for all..........EVERYTHING was all for nothing. I mean, first of all, in the last movie, an even BIGGER Death Star comes along, so that’s pointlessness number 1. The Republic was destroyed, so there goes what the Rebels worked hard to restore, pointlessness number 2. NOW, it’s just another rebellion vs the new empire, this mighty First Order, and it’s not looking good for them.....WHAT WAS THE POINT OF IT ALL? That one lady even says in this movie that the Resistance (New rebellion? WHATEVER) is fighting to restore the Republic. AGAIN??? The Rebel Alliance already did that years before! WHAT THE HECK EVEN MATTERS ANYMORE? Same goes for the new Jedi Order, and everything else.

The “rhyming.”.....It doesn’t really do that great of a job. And no, I am NOT complaining that it was “too different.” (More on that after this) As far as the middle movie of a trilogy, it didn’t really do things WELL, as far as fitting like a puzzle and poetry....crap. First of all, the title. The last 2 middle movies are 4 words long, and have something to do with the offense of the stormtrooper faction. This title is just about the last Jedi person.....Granted, if it was something like, “The First Orders Retaliation,” or something along those lines, it would definitely be a rip off of The Empire Strikes Back. So, I guess there wasn’t too many good options for the title. Now for the events in the movie. There is no space chase through an asteroid field, (There is a chase, but no asteroids, according to my memory) no place surrounded by landing platforms, (I guess Canto Bight sort of was 1 giant circle?.....) no Fett flying the Slave 1, (Or at the very least, a bounty hunter showing up to assist the bad guys. I guess, “law breaker dude?” DJ? I don’t know) etc. There IS, however, a battle in a wasteland, with walkers involved. I was afraid that the Battle of Crait was going to rehash the Battle of Hoth, but much to my surprise, it didn’t. I thought they were going to have to find a weakness in the walkers to exploit again, but nope. I am glad! As for the traditions that comes with every movie....I don’t remember anyone saying, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.....” I heard it was BB8 at the beginning? But does that really count, though? We can’t understand him! No subtitles, even! I also don’t recall hearing a Willhelm scream anywhere. Granted, I did go to the restroom once, (While Finn and Rose were running from the police on those horse things) so maybe those things happened during that time? Or perhaps I overlooked it, one ear and out the other, so to speak. Aside from the Battle of Crait and the space chase, (Not involving asteroids, I don’t think) it didn’t really rhyme with The Empire Strikes Back and Attack of the Clones. I may have to see it again. Perhaps I missed a lot of aspects. But yeah, the whole “rhyme” thing is more of a minor nitpick. Believe me, I am NOT complaining that we get something completely new and different. That was exactly what I was hoping for, after the last movie left a bad taste in my mouth. Though, I mean....does it really HAVE to be all the way left or all the way right? Either total blatant rehash or no “rhyming” at all? Can’t we just be somewhere in between, where it’s new and different, but still carries those traditions? That is all I ask. Again, not complaining. If modern Disney-fied Lucasfilm can only pull off one or the other, all the way left or right, I will choose the one that doesn’t rehash any day. So for that, at least, I breathe a sigh of relief.

By the way, just a side note; there is some curse words and a little bit of potentially crude humor in this movie. I was a bit shocked. Instead of being for kids and something in there for adults, or for both in general, it seemed more like it was for adults, with some things for kids sprinkled in. Though as far as I, myself, am concerned, I don’t care. I mean, I’m an adult for one thing, so yay for me, lol. But I never really minded that stuff. You get that sort of thing with comic book movies, as well. A lot of people still take their kids to see those superhero films, so why not this? It isn’t even as bad as I am probably making it seem, really. Just an observation I had. Do with that info what you will.

All in all, this movie sucked, yet it was alright for what it was, ultimately. I don’t know, it all felt like a dream. From the weird visuals and humor, to the outright crazy twists in the plot, this whole movie was just a WEIRD experience. I am glad they did things differently, though. However, different doesn’t always automatically mean the movie itself is good. I hate that argument that fanboys make against other fanboys. (”The haters”) “You complained it was too different, (Prequels) now you’re complaining it’s too similar. (The Force Awakens) And NOW you’re complaining it’s too different again! You guys can never be happy, can you?” WRONG! I wish this argument would just DIE already. It’s flawed, it’s way too simplistic, and makes no sense. Nobody is complaining that this movie is different. (At least, I’m not) If you even tried to pay attention and hear people out, you would know that. The complaints (At least, from me) are about the plot, the visuals, the characters, etc. I LIKE how it is different! THAT, I applaud. It was actually one of the highlights of this experience for me. I like how it didn’t rehash. But again, just because it is DIFFERENT does not automatically mean it is a GOOD movie. WAY too black and white of a view to hold. Rehashing is BAD, always, in my opinion. But different, while the very fact it is different is good, can still end up as a bad movie. Depends how it’s made, and what happens in the movie. I think this movie is just one BIG miss. SO much missed opportunities, so many plot holes, CGI overload of visuals, out of place humor, and crappy treatment of beloved characters. That’s not to say this movie was a TOTAL disappointment, however. There definitely was some enjoyable parts. The more I made myself feel like I was watching a parody and whatever happened didn’t effect my “fandom....ness,”...the more I actually found enjoyment. When the humor and weird visuals came along, I laughed AT it as opposed to with it. So, looking at it as a silly parody of a movie, or I guess, as an “outsider,” I actually enjoyed it more. Because when I care TOO MUCH and am too invested in this fictional universe, I end up hating it and saying “SCREW YOU DISNEY! YOU RUINED STAR WARS! AAHHHH.” Which is kind of true, lol, but still. We have to remember this is all fiction and does not matter in reality. It’s JUST a movie. Looking at it that way, I find myself to enjoy this new generation of Star Wars just a little more. Anyway, excuse my rambling, I probably lost you.

(By the way, “The Force Awakens.......The Last Jedi.......From Slumber?” HA, I don’t know. Just an idea)

I will give this movie, I guess......a 5/10. It failed, and it succeeded, simultaneously. All around, it is a wacky, just....WEIRD Star Wars experience. You will have to see it to decide for yourself. (If you’re reading a spoiler review without having seen it, I mean.......??) You will, for sure, leave the theater, wondering what it all means.....wondering what the heck your eyes and ears just beheld. You may question what this galaxy far, far away really is all about. At the very least, crappy or great, we have to admit that this movie sparks discussion. Some crazy good fan conversations are on the horizon, that’s for sure. There has been an awakening.....have you felt it?

[hannibaltabu]

"Amazing. Everything you said in that sentence was wrong."

I just got done listening to the Mr. MoKelly spoiler-filled Nerdcast on Star Wars: The Last Jedi.

I was supposed to be on the podcast (and I was counted near the end), but I had to appear on a special edition of the Hall H Show podcast to promote the brand new Black Com!x Day in San Diego, February 17, 2018. I love Mo and Tawala, I love Star Wars and I love Nerdcast but this was about promoting independent Black comics, a financial benefit for me, so I had to make a call. Plus, my wife is in Cuba and couldn't pick up my youngest from Shakespeare rehearsal on this side of town, since the Nerdcast is in Burbank.

Regardless, I liked The Last Jedi even more after seeing it twice, and the following -- like the Nerdcast itself -- will be chock full of spoilers. If you have not seen the movie, you might wanna move on. Unlike their show, mine will have no profanity. Most of what I have to say will be a rebuttal, so I'll start with a declarative statement:

I can admit it's not an amazing movie, but I really thought it was a fantastic Star Wars movie. I liked.

... and then ...

Still amazing after the second screening. I'm in Normas Lee happy with this film.

iOS dictation made that weirder than I intended, but whatever. That was supposed to be "enormously happy."

Okay, here we go ...

Mo said there was nothing quotable about The Last Jedi. Ignoring the title of this post there was ...

"This isn't gonna go the way you think!" (used a lot with my kids already)

"The greatest teacher, failure is."

"He's a troublemaker. I like him."

"Hope is like the sun. If you only believe in it when you can see it ..." "... you'll never make it through the night."

"I'd like to put my fist through this whole awful, beautiful city." (may have missed a word on this one)

"Permission to jump in an X-Wing and go blow something up?"

"I really don't want to do this right now."

"... I'll hold."

I was cracking up too hard to get the "Have you seen some weakness in my apprentice?" speech.

Mo said, "We know nothing about Rey."

Kylo made her admit the truth: her parents were not some cosmic royalty. They were not high ranking Jedis. They were civilians, normal jerks. The darkness rose, so the Force -- always making Force sensitive children -- dumped a bungload of midi-chlorians (or whatever) into Rey and made her powerful. The stable hand boy with Rose's ring on the casino world could be next, as he already has control over some of his telekinesis.

This fits Disney's mold incredibly well, making Rey a new everywoman heroine. Anyone can be this powerful. It could be you. That is gonna sell a bungload full of merch.

Mo said: "We learned nothing about this principle cast."

Finn has been hugged twice in his life now and kissed once, leading him to do all kinds of crazy and sometimes stupid things. About 2/3 of the way in, he grew up a little, and beating Phasma freed him from a lot

Poe Dameron was not a believer, he was a gun set in one direction. In a different world, he could have been the most dangerous pilot in the First Order's apparatus. It took a lot for him to start to mature so he could lead instead of just fighting, which he did mostly because of his parents (as seen in the Marvel comic).

Leia wants to pass the mantle of leadership on to Poe, her new "son," into whom she has poured all her lost hopes from Ben Solo. That tragic tale led her to do all kinds of interesting things, from demoting him to stunning him.

We got a LOT from Rose, who grew up poor, lost everything to the First Order, lost her sister fighting back, was inspired by Finn, who she had a crush on and then had to deal with the real guy, then saw that she still was attracted to him once he tried to not be the idiot he's been for so long. She was likened to Knives Chau from Scott Pilgrim, which I thought was a spot on analysis by Thomas Cunningham the 4th (we're rarely on the same side, so this was weird).

Ben Solo never had a chance. He had too many expectations heaped on his shoulders, was too powerful and had a master who knew too little. He got the Obi-Wan treatment and it ended essentially the same way, with him under the sway of a powerful, organized Dark Side user.

Luke was broken by every failure in his life. He accomplished exactly two things in his whole life -- the first Death Star at Yavin and "allegedly" turning Vader (which no one can prove, honestly). He failed his sister, he failed his friend, he failed his nephew -- all at the same time -- and wasn't man enough to do anything about it, instead pointing to his organization's history as a precedent for him to give up. Sadly, that fits whiny farm boys from Tattooine (who either failed into the Dark Side or this) and Mark Hamill acted his butt off in this role.

Leia had become everybody's favorite auntie, as quoted and shown in the reverence she's showed by everyone on screen. She played the role well, from "I changed my hair" to shooting Poe to revealing Holdo's plan.

The casino sequence got Finn to his resolution with Phasma and swings the camera to the new Force sensitive kid. That doesn't happen without the casino scene. Saying it was a dumb sidequest ignores the plot's development.

Tawala is mad at the X-Wing working so well on the dreadnaught, ignoring the fact that the large scale, shock and awe philosophy of the Empire (sampled enthusiastically by the Cosplay Empire, also known as the First Order, but never really played originally by the latter) has a well documented weakness against snub fighters. The First Order are so hell bent on recreating the Empire that they didn't learn anything, which makes the Yoda quote even more interesting. The Jedi failed. The Republic failed twice. The Sith failed. The Empire failed. The First Order ain't doing so well. What is the galaxy trying to teach its inhabitants that they're not hearing? That's the question that most haunts me from this film.

Likewise, Tawala asked why not send in a fleet of X-Wings. The Resistance was on the ropes. They lost ALL their bombers in one run on a single dreadnaught, which wasn't even the biggest thing the Kuat Shipyards ever built (the Eclipse was much longer, dunno if bigger). The Dreadnaught was a fleet killer -- and against capital ships, that's likely true. They could barely field the fighters they had.

Mo said, "There's no gravity in space." There is gravity in the bombers. Momentum would carry the bombs through the vacuum. I was more mad that the bombers were so slow.

Tawala is mad about Rey's dream sequence from The Force Awakens not matching the recollections of two people who were actually there. That's illogical. The dream sequence was an interpretation of the facts, not a retelling of it. Many on the podcast kept trying to say The Force Awakens is a factual recollection of events. That's clearly -- based on this -- not true. Despite the fact that it doesn't matter, based on new canon from the Darth Vader Marvel comic, lightsabers turn red when they are bloodied in anger.

The emperor's "As I have foreseen" was not prescience it was psychology. The Dark Side cannot be reliably used for information. Tawala and Mo misunderstand how the Emperor worked. His myth was way bigger than his actual ability. All of the movies have proven that Dark Side users are limited in their ability to gain knowledge and prescience from the Force.

Mo judging Snoke by the Emperor's yard stick is not judging this movie on its own terms. Snoke was what he needed to be. Historically, I want to know where he was around Endor and what he was doing, but I can move on now without questioning it, despite his vast power.

I can also tell my Star Wars Ring Theory link didn't get absorbed by the class here ... if you love Star Wars you should check it out, it messes with your understanding of a lot, especially the prequels.

It takes maybe 60 seconds for a non-powered person to die in vacuum. For the daughter of Vader to telekinetically figure how to save herself in that amount of time is not implausible. Leia's force abilities already shown? Communication across distances, sensing the safety of her brother from a distance. This isn't that big a leap for someone of her heritage given how far Rey got without training.

Someone wondered why Yoda's Force ghost wasn't fighting the First Order. Yoda is free from the cycle of life's struggles. He needed to teach one last lesson to his final student. To say he should fight the First Order after he already died is illogical, even if there was a powerful enough Force user in the Resistance who could reach him. You also forget the Bindu, which was a largely spiritual creature, could use lightning as a weapon too.

"Face" /= kill. Tawala forgot that in ROTJ Yoda told Luke he must "face" Vader before he could become a Jedi. Luke (like Tawala) misunderstood and said, "I can't kill my father" or something. You forget that Jedi lie and misdirect a lot. Spirit, come on, guys, this is stuff in movies we've seen a million times.

Mo thinks that he was cheated because he didn't know why everyone was after Luke as a non-factor. If Malcolm X or Marcus Garvey magically appeared today and went to the middle of Times Square to start speaking through my mobile 15" speaker, it would galvanize a freaking nation and terrify the power structure. Luke the Jedi wasn't the threat and even Luke said that. Luke the Legend was what Snoke had to stop, what Kylo had to exceed, what Leia wanted to manipulate. The Legend could inspire, could sway worlds and systems to resist. Luke the Jedi was just moderately successful. He was nobody's #1 seed. He was a Cinderella story wild card winner.

I will admit to wondering why no star destroyers went to lightspeed away and then jumped back in front of the Rebels until I remembered that Hux is literally bad at everything he does.

"Two hours in the middle" doesn't give credit to the entertaining dialogue, doesn't give credit to the time for character development for Poe under Holdo's stoicism, doesn't count Leia's "you made me get out of this bed" and shooting her favorite boy ... tripping, Tawala.

Tawala asked about arms purchasing but doesn't know that the Empire worked with the Mining Guild and the Banking Clans even after the New Order was established. Likewise, comics canon show that the Empire subcontracted a lot of weapons development, as does the Tie Defender program on Lothal.

Rick asked how Benicio del Toro (or as Mo called him, "Benicio del Lando," which was fair) knew about the small ships. While Poe was trying to mutiny, he told Finn about them while Benicio was hacking the door. Rick apparently missed that.

IN SUMMATION:

My final ranking of all the Star Wars films based on my tastes.

Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back

Episode 6: Return of the Jedi

Episode 8: The Last Jedi

Episode 2: Attack of the Clones

Episode 4: A New Hope

Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith

Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

Rogue One

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Episode 7: The Force Awakens, or whatever

Ideologically, the BBC's Will Gompertz wrote a review I pretty much agreed with that summed up my thoughts.

These are my opinions. In the immortal words of the philosopher Robert Ginyard, "you don't like it, so what? I don't care."