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#I give myself 1 month into summer break to miss classes but this time I have online class plans
konmari-dogs · 2 years
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This has been a great return to the training and sport season after 2 years in lockdown but ohmygod I’m so tired and looking forward to us dialling back on physical training and turning our focus to just chilling together for a couple of months and taking training theory and methods classes
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puck-bunnies · 2 months
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behind closed doors
umich!luke hughes x fem!reader
warnings: nsfw 18+, fingering, praising, choking, not proof read
word count: 2.3k
me and luke were never much of friends, never even talked much. at least, that’s what everyone thought. no one ever knows what happens behind closed doors.
i have not used this app in forever, meaning i haven’t written a fic in quite a long time so this is me trying to get back into writing. sorry if this is not great and a little rushed, i just haven’t written anything in like five months. anyways, try to enjoy this fic and ill try to write more as soon as i can.
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i sit in the living room of my best friends boyfriends house, she sits beside me as all of ethan’s roommates take up every other seat. the lightning vs islanders game plays on the tv, having all of our eyes glued to it.
the boys are in a constant state of yelling, wether is celebrating, yelling at how stupid the refs are, or booing the other team. i’m not as invested as usual, my teams aren’t playing, but ill never miss an opportunity to a hockey game.
my mind also focuses on the close proximity as luke sits beside me, our thighs lightly rubbing against each other ever so softly. the warm summer weather left me wearing shorts and a tank top, causing luke’s hand to glide across my bare skin as he secretly places his hand on my thigh.
i never intended on sneaking around with luke, it all just happened one day, the house was empty and quiet. we got to talking, venturing from subjects like our classes, plans for our future, and somehow turning into our sex life.
he learned that i’ve never really gotten quite what i need, never feeling that spark with any guy that i’ve been with. them never wanting to try anything i’ve wanted to, i’ve never been fully satisfied.
he continued to tell me how he has slept around quite a bit. nearly almost always leaving the rink with some new blonde puck bunny stuck to his arm. he didn’t wear it as a trophy, or say that he regretted any of it, all just saying it’s apart of his past. his history he can’t and won’t change.
one thing led to another, his hands roaming my body as my lips bit down on his. my hands squeezing the mattress tightly with every moan escaping my lips.
we didn’t even stop there, whenever we could find a time to be alone, we were tangled in each others arms.
here we are now, not even able to keep our hands to ourselves in sight of one another. i try to shake his hand off, not wanting any of the surrounding eyes to see his intimate gesture. he doesn’t move, squeezing my skin harder. i softly pierce my bottom lip with my teeth, try to calm my nerves. i can feel heat bubbling up to my face, painting my cheeks with a faint blush.
my eyes peer over to him, giving him a pleading look to start behaving. he doesn’t budge, giving me a side smirk before returning his eyes on the game.
rutger groans loudly as the 2nd period finishes, “fuck the lightning.” he swears as they’re pulling a 4-1 lead. he chugs back the rest of his beer, throwing the can on the ground in some grown man temper tantrum.
the ads run during the commercial break, leaving the rest of us to disregard the television for the time being. my heart starts to quicken, without their distraction of the game they’re eyes could fall upon luke’s hand on me.
my mind tries to work fast, but the only thing i can think of doing is grabbing the blanket next to me and covering myself with it, concealing us from the wandering eyes. luke’s lips curl into a smirk, proud of me not forcing him off, knowing that i want it. that i want him.
his hand becomes bolder, rubbing up and down my inner thigh. i bite my bottom lip again, trying to stabilize myself from this new feeling. his fingers become more adventurous, going to the hem of my shorts.
“fuck.” i softly mumble to myself, luke’s soft chuckle tells me that he hears my light groans. his fingers don’t stop there, rubbing up to the bottom of my shirt, toying with the cotton material.
the pads of his fingers brush against my sensitive skin, right across the bottom of my stomach. fire engulfs my stomach, my breath hitches as he rubs softly back and forth, tickling my skin.
the game comes back for the final period, my eyes keep trained on the hockey game, but my mind can only focus on his touch as it drives me insane.
he feels my stomach hitch with my breath, he knows i want him so badly, he knows what he does to me. i squeeze my thighs together, trying to cause some type of sensation in my growing wetness.
i can’t take his teasing fingers anymore, “meet me in my room.” i whisper to him. rising from the couch and walking away from the crowded living room. i head for the direction of the bathroom, making them hear my footsteps as i lead their ears to the door closing. i stay outside the bathroom, tiptoeing to my room in an unsteady waiting of luke.
the door finally opens, luke quickly closing the door silently behind him. a deep breath is all i can hear from him, turning around to look at me patiently sitting on the foot of my bed. he takes a seat beside me, quickly gripping my hips and pulling me onto his lap.
“it’s been awhile since we’ve been alone,” my fingers rake up the back of his head, through his soft brown hair, my finger swirling around a curly lock. “too long.” a soft sigh parts from his lips as my fingers lightly scratch at his scalp.
he keeps his hands on my hips, roughly gripping at my denim shorts. “i missed your hands all over me. you can’t tease me out there and not expect me to want more.”
our bodies come closer, our lips so close together, our hearts syncing their beats. i can barely hold myself back from making up that final inch. “tell me how badly you want me.”
“i want you..” he shyly gives into my need. it’s not enough for me, i feed off of hearing how badly he wants me, his hands rubbing up and down my body, the feeling of his cock being buried deep inside me.
“oh yeah…” my lips attach to his neck, softly kissing down from his jaw.
finally he gives in, “i want to feel you against me, your lips on mine, every inch of your beautiful body baby.”
a devilish smirk spreads on my face, “mmm, is that right?” i mumble against his neck, softly sinking my teeth into his sensitive skin, sucking the spot to soothe it after.
“oh god yes.” luke practically moans out. his hands become adventurous, slowly going down to hold my ass in his hands, gripping at my clothed skin. they make their way down farther, gripping at my exposed thighs while my kisses go back up his jaw.
i crave for his taste, forcefully pressing my lips against his in a hungry state. my tongue quickly sliding into his mouth, hands combing through his messy curls, pushing him closer into me. he guides my hips back and forth on him, i can feel him hardening underneath me.
breaking the kiss to catch my breath, i drop my head onto his shoulders as i feel his hands press against my pussy. my hips still grind on him, but instead of just on his hard cock, it’s on his fingers. “mmm, you want me that bad?” he chuckles, i nod against his shoulder.
he undoes my shorts, exposing the top of my pink lacy panties, his fingers drag down them, going farther into my pants. they settle on my wetness, my hips stop rocking, focusing on the closer touch. “god you’re soaked.”
my lip sticks to my teeth in a harsh lip bite, my walls clench around nothing, begging to be filled by him. his fingers work slow and teasingly, rubbing circles around my clothed clit, watching me squirm on top of him. my back slightly arches, legs slowly opening wider for him to have better access to my aching pussy. “needy, are we?”
i softly whimper, my hips start to grind again, craving more attention from his teasingly slow hands. his fingers move the crotch of my panties aside, touching my wetness with his bare fingers, feeling my folds and them dripping for him. my head lifts off his shoulder, taking a glance down at his hand stuffed down my pants, looking back deep into his eyes.
i take a deep breath out, without a single warning he thrusts a finger in my pussy. making me loudly squeal with surprise. he quickly covers my mouth, stopping his finger in me. “you have to be quiet princess, you don’t want us getting caught, now do you?” he asks. i shake my head no, he hums at my obedience. “good girl.” his voice is in a whisper, softly praising me.
he begins to move his finger once again, letting me adjust to the new sensation before adding another, stretching me out for him. curling his fingers up to my g-spot. finally trusting me enough not to scream, he moves his hand off of my face, settling it down on my hip to keep me steady.
my hands grasp at his curly locks, trying to compose myself. as he adds another finger i bite down on my bottom lip, trying to keep the wanting moans from escaping my lips. a smirk spreads across luke’s face, watching what he can do to me with just his hands. i curse under my breath, dropping my head down to keep my brain straight, the pleasure slowly becoming less bearable.
his fingers quicken, hand comes off my hip and to my chin, lifting my head to force me to stare back into his eyes. “look at me while i’m finger fucking you baby.” my teeth puncture my bottom lip harder, my chest heaving with all the moans i keep to myself. i slip up and let on me out, hard hands hit my throat, softly squeezing. “i thought i told you to keep quiet?”
his grip loosens to allow me to take a breath, closing back up as soon as my chest rises. another finger slips in my cunt, my legs start to squirm, toes curling and hands squeezing his hair. his fingers losen from my throat, falling down to the straps of my tank top. he pulls one strap off each shoulder, one at a time. hooking two fingers at the neckline and pulling down, my tits falling out from my lack of wearing a bra.
he wastes no time before gripping my breast, rubbing his thumb over the sensitive bud. i clench around his fingers, my senses overloading with pleasure. he lowers his head, kitty licking my other nipple. i softly moan, not loud enough for luke to get me in trouble again, but enough for him to know the things he’s doing to me.
my stomach clenches, the feeling i know very well as my head starts to feel light. “i’m so close.” i whimper out. luke doesn’t let up, switching to my other breast, sucking on the nipple before softly biting the skin.
my whole body clenches as i feel my climax, luke’s quick fingers curling inside me quickly. it all comes raining down, my pussy clenching around him as i coat his fingers with myself. he backs up, letting me heave and fall down on his chest to catch my breath.
i quietly curse under my breath, squeezing my eyes shut to recover from my high. i life my head back up to look luke in the eyes. he removes his fingers from my folds, fingers coated with my cum. he slides his fingers into his mouth, licking them clean. my breath catches in my throat again, god damn he makes me want more.
“you’re such a good girl Y/N.” he pops his fingers out of his mouth, “i wish i could fuck you silly right now. but i want to keep all those precious moans to myself, when we can be completely alone.”
before i can even react to his words he puts his lips back onto mine, slipping his tongue in my mouth to let me taste myself. his fingers plant back onto my hips, helping me up to my feet so he can get out from underneath me.
“you go get yourself cleaned up and meet me back in the living room. i pray we weren’t gone too long for anyone to notice.” he whispers, fixing my hair from the sweat that beads on my forehead.
i nod to his words, giving him one last little kiss before he silently slips out of my bedroom. my try to regain my normal breathing patterns, my brain still fuzzy from my previous orgasm.
i obey luke’s wishes, tiptoeing to the bathroom to clean myself off. splashing water into my face to try to remove my blushing red cheeks. i walk back out to the bathroom, seeing everyone engrossed in the final minutes of the third period. i thankfully sigh, slipping back between the guys to sit back down beside luke. he offers me a light smirk, we both then back to the television, watching the game unfold.
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thegiandiediaries · 5 months
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Holiday Bootcamp
Happy Holidays!
It's officially November, my birthday is on the horizon and Thanksgiving + Christmas are around the corner!
I wanted to give an update on where I'm at now:
I no longer take Adult Ballet classes -- I found them too recreational and knew I wasn't adequately preparing for a classical ballet career
I no longer live downtown -- I was renting a room for the summer and trying to find housing for the Fall. I didn't. I still live at home and commute to college.
Cello lessons are on hold -- my teacher and I didn't have an aligned schedule, so she no longer teaches me. I decided to take the entire month of October off while I collected myself and figured out what to do next. I am looking for a teacher now and am planning to restart lessons this month
I took a break from the lab -- I loved having the association of working at the school I was aiming to attend but do feel like it was a huge distraction. I took the Fall off but am considering officially quitting.
So, what am I doing?
I am starting a Holiday Ballet Bootcamp! This is just for myself, but if anyone wants to do one for themselves, I will let you know what I am doing and at the end I will let you know the results.
What am I doing in this Holiday Ballet Bootcamp? And why am I doing it?
First, the why: I am missing many of the foundational and fundamental skills needed to progress. I am not flexible (I can't even do the splits), I have low/poor turnout, I am not able to fully pointe my foot, and (among other things) I lack core and muscular strength.
I've been attempting to learn technique from an online ballet program I've been purchasing on a monthly subscription but find myself lacking bodily awareness, unable to keep up, and nursing minor injuries every few days.
I realized that this wasn't going to work, but I didn't know what to do next. For reasons due to transportation and (lack of) intensity, Adult Open Ballet classes were out and continuing on with this self-directed learning was out.
After my latest injury on Monday, I had to take the time and sit down and think about my goal and the process I've been following to get there. I was, honestly, in panic. I couldn't figure out what to do. My sister and I went to Target earlier this week and I bought this cute, pink notebook and decided to make it my ballet journal. I sat down with a snack and got to work figuring out my plan of action.
I looked at the knowns and unknowns:
Knowns -
I am missing many of the foundational and fundamental skills needed to progress
Adult ballet classes are too recreational and won't adequately prepare me for a professional, classical career
Training by myself with no supervision is leading to multiple minor injuries and likely poor technique
I am too old for any proper ballet school
Unknowns:
How do I get proper training?
How do I get flexible, improve my turnout, and build strength?
Doing this helped me to come up with the Holiday Bootcamp. The bootcamp itself is directly targeting bullet 2, but is supposed to indirectly help with bullet 1. I realized that if I can't join a ballet school, I can't take the adult ballet classes available, and I can't do a self-directed online program, there was still one option: private training. But no private teacher worth their salt would take on an almost 24 year old beginner who can't do the splits, has little turnout, poor pointe, and lacks strength. Yeah, no. And I want to find teachers who are looking to train serious students to the highest caliber.
So, first I need to address the glaring issues (hence the bootcamp!). Then, I plan to submit audition-style photos and videos to private teachers I would like to work with and see who would be willing to work with me (in January).
Okay, so now you know the why. But you still don't know the how. So here's what I am doing as a part of my bootcamp:
I set the following goals for myself:
Full splits
Maximum extensions (Développé devant, Développé à la seconde, and Développé derrière)
Full turnout
High arched, strong feet
Build Muscle Memory
Build Core Stability
General Dance Conditioning
Theoretical Understanding of Technique & Dance Terminology
To achieve these goals, I am using the following programs:
Front Splits Fast by Lisa Howell
How To Get Your Legs Higher In A Développé Devant by Lisa Howell
Training Turnout by Lisa Howell
The Perfect Pointe Book by Lisa Howell
A New Approach to Core Stability by Lisa Howell
Dance Conditioning: Level One by Lisa Howell
Progressing Ballet Technique by Marie Walton-Mahon
Basic Principles of Classical Ballet: Russian Ballet Technique by Agrippina Vaganova
Foundations of Classical Ballet by Agrippina Vaganova
I am choosing to use gentle programs developed by dance physiotherapist Lisa Howell for the most part and also Marie Walton-Mahon's program because I do believe that achieving these goals shouldn't be painful. I don't want to mess up my body and make it harder or impossible to achieve my goals out of haste or fear.
Initially, I was looking to other dancers for advice on how to prepare for this but ultimately decided that I wanted to learn from Lisa and Marie in this preparatory period because of their advanced knowledge on the mechanics and inner workings of the body and how to train it.
I also am choosing to specifically study the Vaganova technique because it seems like a particularly strict form of ballet that when mastered seems most advantageous to dancers. Some of the most noticeably well trained dancers I've seen seem to be the product of the Vaganova method.
And that's it!
My bootcamp will end on Dec 31st, so I will check back in around then more than likely!
xo, Gia
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annathesillyfriend · 3 years
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Anna's August Fic Recs
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Welcome to my August fic recommendations masterpost!! This has been quite a busy month for me but I'm holding onto last weeks of freedom. I am trying to read as much before uni starts and I had a pleasure of reading some brilliant fics this month. I am so excited to share them with you all! I hope your summer is going amazing and to those, who have just started classes - good luck!
To all the writers - I love you and I appreciate you so much!
To all the readers - please, share the fics you read and love. The reblog really makes the change! It’s the least we can do to show our gratitude.
HOLLAND & Co.
✨ Tom Holland
revenges is sweet by @t-lostinworlds
series, social media au, college!au, football player!tom, fake dating, idiots to lovers, all of our fave tropes, i am invested in this series more than i am in my own life, it's just that good
sunkissed by @duskholland
one-shot, 18+, surfer!tom x lifeguard!tom, exes to lovers, h's great mind at its finest 👏
souvenirs of the heart by @veryholland
one-shot, brought me to tears no joke, such a beutiful story, mila did such an amazing job!!
heartbreak girl by @lauras-collection
one-shot, 18+, lead singer!tom, based on 5SOS song, this is so goooood 😫😫 this story lives in my heart rent free right nextdoor to laura!!
act 1: scene 5 and 6 by @youandtom
one-shot, best friends to lovers, helping tom with learning lines, i loved this very much!
happier than ever by @vendettaparker
one-shot, tom being the great lad he is comes to save an awful date and we stan
the trial of the eldest holland by @reawritesthings
one-shot, ex!tom, welcome to the angst town! this is so deeply heartbreaking but so beautifully written!
lucky to be in love by @hollandsvogue
one-shot, rose is going staright for my silly little heart :')
slide in by @uglypastels
one-shot, frat!tom, i fall in love with this story time and time again
white winged dove by @muhollands
one-shot, 18+, conuntry!tom, insert country boy i love you vine here (also, i'd like to take this moment to kindly invite you all to go through d's whole masterlist cause it's brilliant. this mj blurb has sent me straight to hell but it's so worth it)
abide by @hazofmyheart
one-shot, 18+, mob!au, tom x reader x harrison, this made me feel some type of way 👁👄👁
getting ahead of ourselves by @/hazofmyheart
one-shot, 18+, college! lacrosse player!tom holland x tutor!reader, this is soft, this is cute, this is hot, this is everything! 12/10 would recommend
✨ Harrison Osterfield
little lune by @dovenymph
one-shot, celebrating your birthday with haz, made me want a refund for my birthday cause it's so lovely 🥺🥺
it will come back by @greenorangevioletgrass
one-shot, part of the rich kid!au series, 18+, richkid!haz x richkid!reader x actor!tom, there are no words in any language that would let me express how much i love ava and this au
✨ Harry Holland
wild side by @softholand
one-shot, 18+, best friends to lovers, that trope was made to be written about mister harry holland, i swear
lost in your light by @spider-barnes
one-shot, 18+, best friends to lovers, bloody lovely 💛
falling in love at a coffee shop by @/spider-barnes
one-shot, college!au, oh to fall in love with harry holland at a coffee shop 😫
hope is frightening thing by @peterplanet
one-shot, writer!reader x first da!harry, her book gets a film adaptation and harry is being is wonderful self 🥰
my forever by @unsaidholland
blurb, talking about your future with him, it's just 🥰🥰
circles by @farfromharry
one-shot, rich kid!au, enemies to lovers, so wonderful!
MARVEL
🎂 Suz's birthday fics
this total babe @samwilsons-pillowpecs gave us four beautiful gift on her birthday! we adore you, lovely 🥰 these stories are all wonderful anddeserve their own category 💛
you're the glitter in the dark
one-shot, 18+, mob!bucky
if i could touch you...
one-shot, 18+, boxer!steve
love you in a thousand ways
one-shot, 18+, ceo!sam
miss your kiss
one-shot, 18+, biker!thor
🎂@rodrikstark ’s 1.5k follower celebration!
collecion of headcanons with our favourite marvel boys as well as some other characters, i bloody love them all but my numer one has got to be joaquin teaching you spanish 😌
✨ Sam Wilson
book smart by @indyluckycharlie
one-shot, librarian!sam x PhD student!reader, such a warm and comfy little story by my dearest cate who i love very much 😌
he we go again by @/xbuchananbarnes
one-shot, idiots in love 🥰🥰
adventures in babysitting captain america and winter solider by @princessmisery666
one-shot, reader takes the boys to disneyland and it's just so amazing!
stay awhile by @lacapucharoja
one-shot, black!reader, a saturday morning with sam 😌😌
slow motion by @ambrosiase
one-shot, 18+, sam in baggy grey sweatpants and no underwear, need i say more?
✨ Steve Rogers
bullies, bullied by @anika-ann
one-shot, my main babe is blessing us with protective steve and i love her 🥰
there's a peace in dreaming by @babycap
one-shot, i don't have the words to tell you how stunning this story is, please go read it
✨ Bucky Barnes
timer by @xbuchananbarnes
series, soulmate!au based on the movie TiMER (2009). i could go on and on about how incredible that series is but with dani it's a given, sooo 🤷‍♀️
the kids will be alright by @imaginationintowords
series, social media au, lawyer!bucky x interior designer!reader, single dad!bucky, single mom!reader raising their kid together as friends, also reader x clark kent. honestly this is one of my fave social media aus of all time. and it's got a sequel is coming!!
quick fix by @ocean-bucky
one-shot, tfatws!bucky x ofc, vidra is the queen of ofc's, you simply can't not love her characters!
grant (part 2) by @coffeecatsandsarcasm
two-shot, bucky's in a relationship with a single mom with a little boy, it's so soft, i love this little family!
before sunset, i fell by @buckysbiota
one-shot, modern!au, when i get drunk i get myself cake, when reader got drunk, she got herself a husband. a very fine husband 😏
alcohol you later by @/xbuchananbarnes
one-shot, is it the 4th of dani's fics on this list? yes, she's just that powerful
three flags up by @starbuckie
one-shot, 18+, campcounselor!bucky x campcounselor!reader, best friends to lovers, buck being a cute little puppy in love and i adore him very much
and he kissed me right there by @sunmoonandbucky
one-shot, veteran!bucky, age gap, this is so full of feelings and it's gonna steal your heart!
lost and found by @sunshinebuckybarnes
two-shot, neighbour!bucky, alpine being the matchmaker of the year and we love that for her
hazy dreams and good mornings by @angrythingstarlight
one-shot, 18+, firefighter!bucky, i think that's enough encouragement to read this gem 😏
✨ Joaquin Torres
red by @remmysbounty
one-shot, a truly exceptional story!!
hold my words, keep us together by @/xbuchananbarnes
one-shot, soulmate!au, just simply stunning!
✨Peter Parker
love lies by @rosyparkers
series, social media au, y/n is silk but peter doesn't know it, peter is spiderman but y/n doesn't know it, sarah is the brightest star in the universe and everyone knows it
sunset lovers by @duskholland
one-shot, college! au, soulmate!au where what your soulmate writes on their skin, appears on yours. i don't think i have to tell you that eveything written by h, my beloved is pure gold. the softest thing!
always waiting (for you to come home) by @peterbenjiparker
one-shot, reader comes to peter cause she needs him to patch her up after patrol, it's so funny and sweet and i just love it so much, m is the bestest!!
perfectly a little late by @/t-lostinworlds
one-shot, college!au, reader forgets about peter's birthday. or does she 👀 please, give a round of applause for this wonderful writer who's been feeding us so well this month 👏👏
this fic by @peeterparkr
one-shot, last kiss with peter :') nancy knows all the most beautiful ways to break someone's heart
the plan by @spideyyeet
series, aveneger!reader, reader likes peter, peter likes mj, mysterio shows up, lots of angsty things happen. it's so bloody good, my mates, go read it!!
burning red by @spideyspeaches
one-shot, avenger!reader who who describes people's personalities as colors, it's just a stunning story with wonderful writing and i love it!!
this fic by @mcumendes
blurb, peter brings y/n flowers and is very very adorable!!
kiss me more by @celestialholland
one-shot, first make out with peter and i'm just 😫�� in love
the reveal by @cloudybarnes
one-shot, best friends!reader where she finds out about him being spiderman, so lovely!!
always by @ptersmj
one-shot, an absolutely adorable best friends to lovers moment
red-handed by @/vendettaparker
one-shot, stark!reader, morgan interrupts y/n and peter's alone time 😏😂
OTHERS
✨ Spencer Reid
as told by flowers by @reidingmelodies
one-shot, story about the progress of the relationship with spencer told by flowers (duh 😂), it's just wonderful!!
✨ Frank Adler
thnks fr th mmrs by @wiypt-writes
one-shot, 18+, reader goes to frank the night before his wedding, i love this with everything i have
will you hold on my love by @writerwrites
one-shot, don't come anywhere near this piece without tissues!!
✨ Ransom Drysdale
undercover boss by @chase-your-dreams-away
series, reader's working at drysdales' company and hooks up with ransom not knowing who he is. this series is so bloody good! i love the reader in here so much!!
a/n: if you catch some kind of mistake or if you see that i miscredited someone - please let me know so i can change that!
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cloud9in · 3 years
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You’re the only one who’s writing poppy x mc fics sooo, i have a request “ bea is a bad girl (like in a gang) in high school and also went jail couple of times for getting in trouble in high school senior year poppy was new transfer student and after 2 months bea join back school and met poppy bea and they just click yk like a connection slowly they started dating and in school everyone was shocked to see bea in a relationship ( bad girl and new girl) poppy is always worried about bea and few days before graduation bea got hurt really bad and poppy gives bea 2 options that she has to choose between her or her this (gang).. bea didn’t say anything to her so poppy left, after 2/3 years they met in college bea was a different person but so does poppy they become enemies (no one knows why they hate each other) one day they were arguing and poppy shout at her and says why you're back and bea put her hand on her cheek and smile and say i am here to win you back because i love you 😬
Promises (Poppy x MC)
Part 1/?
Can i just say I'm absolutely invested in this plot? You've got me hooked on my own story, as hectic as my life is, this is enjoyable to write. I hope you like it as well @iamsimpforpoppy
Word count: 1.8k (i got carried away)
“You know what to do Jackson, same old shit.”
“Yeah but it feels like a movie every damn time”, Bea responds confidently as she unbuckles her seatbelt. She sports a black mask with a yellow bandana, a vivacious color worn by only the Southside Spades, a notorious street gang who were known for robbery, and occasional blood.
Bea found herself wrapped up in the world of gangs when she turned sixteen. But before that the brunette would assist in transporting goods, also known as hardcore drugs. There was plenty enough to go around so Bea could indulge in any she wanted. Drugs didn’t give her the high she craved though, instead it was the thrilling game of cat and mouse with the cops.
Every now and then she’d get thrown in the slammer overnight. But this particular evening earns her one year in the NY State Penitentiary. See, the cops never gathered significant evidence to build a case against her, even though she was well aware of Detective Steinhelm who had some sick obsession with her. Following her everywhere, until Bea confronted her directly after noticing the same black sedan parked a street down from her house.
But she played the game right, and nothing ever led back to her. Until now.
“Where’s the money Bradley? I feel like I’ve been kissing your ass all week, the boss needs it now.”
A skinny blonde boy who looks like he had better days grunts in annoyance, “You’ll get your money...I’m just a little short right now.”
“Time’s up Ken doll, you know Carter will have your head for this.”
“Maybe he doesn’t have to know. Maybe this can be between us…”, Bradley strides carefully towards the blonde, a disturbing grin on his face which screams junkie. “Back the hell up now.”
Bea pulled her knife out with ease and pointed it towards him. She didn’t plan on actually using it. Murder was way out her budget for a simple money pickup but she knew that it would scare the boy easily. Except he kicked the blade out of her hold which prompted it to screech across the concrete before coming to a stop. Before Bea could think her fists reacted as she intercepted a punch that aimed straight for her jaw. She twists Bradley’s arm and he falls on his knees in pain. With his back to her, she kicks him down until he’s flat on his stomach.
“What is it exactly that you plan on doing now Bradley?” The blonde boy struggles under Bea’s foot but manages to reach around and slash at her ankle with a surprise shiv. Bea yelps in pain before kicking his head, rendering him unconscious.
“Stupid idiot. Had to make this harder than it should’ve been.”
Bea eventually finds the stash of money hidden under his mattress, an amateur hiding place at best. She congratulated herself for another job accomplished (kinda) and headed home. What the seventeen year old didn’t expect was the repulsive sound of a siren filling her ears as she stepped out onto her driveway. Her blood rushed to her head when she spotted Detective Steinhelm among the police officers surrounding her and retorts, “oh come on. I thought I told them about you harassing me. What do you want? Back here to strip search me again?”
The older woman only watches the blonde in eerie silence before smiling and gesturing to a police officer. “Beatriz Jackson you have the right to remain silent, anything you say or do can be used against you in a court of law-”
“What the actual fuck!” Bea yanks her arms out of the officers reach which initiates a struggle for dominance. This was nothing new to her, but it still felt sickening. Like she was some pet.
“You have the right to have a lawyer present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be appointed for you if you so desire.” Detective Steinhelm finishes speaking and approaches the still scuffling blonde, “if you keep resisting I will tase you myself.”
Bea bites back the urge to headbutt the old hag right in her stupid face but she didn’t need any extra charges, for whatever the hell it was she was being charged for.
“Tell me why the fuck I am being arrested and I’ll calm down.”
That’s when Bea notices a familiar (bruised up) face from earlier. His smirk was enough to eat at her skin and she felt burning hot rage.
“Your blood was found at the scene of Mr. Denbroughs assault. You are being arrested in the case of second degree assault with intent to hurt someone with a deadly weapon.”
***
Bea only got one year in prison due to her kickass lawyer Ina Kingsley who played the minor card at every opportunity given. She also pointed out the fact that the knife wasn’t bloodstained, and Bradley never had any stab wounds so there is no proof the weapon was ever used against him. And it technically wasn’t. Good thing she didn’t bring a gun instead.
She did miss her 18th birthday though. And a few months of her senior year. But that’s what summer classes were for right?
All eyes were on the blonde when she returned, and whispers spread throughout the school about a certain new girl. Bea paid no mind to the fingers that pointed in her direction but the newcomer did manage to catch her attention, and pretty quick at that.
“Hey Jackson, how was solitary confinement?”
“I heard they make you use the bathroom right through the tiny food slot.”
Bea rolls her eyes and pelts a piece of not-so-fresh bread right at Ford’s head. The other people at the table join in on the laughter and Bea shakes her head and smiles, “it was Juvie you dumbass, and they made us sit in a circle together every Thursday like we were in an AA meeting.
“That’s jail for babies, goldilocks here wouldn’t last a minute in a real prison”, Carter joins them at the table with a cocky smirk, yet his eyes soften when landing on Bea. She shares a similar look with him knowing they’ll have a real conversation later. Because they definitely didn’t get to have that when Bea was getting dragged away to the police station in cuffs, and every event after that.
“It’s our girl’s first day out, we have to celebrate. And it’s not like she’s on probation...right Bea?”
“I do have a curfew, and I’m on juvenile probation so…when we partying?” The crew laughs as Bea shrugs. Her mother will deal with it. Zoey scoots in next to the blonde and wraps her arm around her shoulder in a side hug. “So glad to have you back Bea, and we are not risking you breaking parole so let’s just go to a sport’s bar tonight.”
Bea nods her head in agreement as the first warning bell goes off and everyone starts to clean up. Zoey taps on her arm and points towards one of the farther tables where a lone figure sits, wiping her hands with a napkin. All Bea saw were blonde tresses until she turned and they made brief eye contact.
“She’s the new girl, Poppy Min Sinclair. Rumor is she’s got a rich white daddy. You should totally invite her to the party.”
“And why would I do that?”
Zoey squints her eyes and leans in closer, her hands under chin in thought, “she seems like the broody type, you two would click.” She laughs at Bea’s comical expression but the blonde can’t bother to look in her direction, she’s way too wrapped up in what little the stranger a few tables away had to offer. She would sit on that thought, Bea was not one to shy away from anything.
***
The two became friends quicker than anyone could think.
One day after school, Poppy’s car wouldn’t start. It just didn’t comply. You would think she’d be poised and call her mechanic to come fix it, but instead the blonde slumped against the driver’s side window and let out a visibly frustrated, high-pitched yelp. Bea watched her pace around the car and even...kick?...the front bumper with her heels in efforts to wake it up.
“You know I may be wrong but I think that only makes it worse..” She approaches the helpless blonde with a small grin. Poppy’s persistence amazed her though, she’s never seen anyone determined to beat a car up. An expensive one at that.
“I hope you have some idea how to fix it, unless you’re here to waste my time and ask me on a date.”
Woah.
Okay that definitely threw Bea on a whim. She lets out a sharp laugh and bites her lips in amusement. She strolls towards the front of her car, holding Poppy’s gaze the whole way. She liked that the blonde didn’t avert her eyes. “And if I did? We couldn’t take your car of course, it’s obviously impaired.”
Poppy smiles and turns to look at Bea properly. She checks out every inch of her with no visible shame. An assessment so to say, and she likes what she sees.
“It’s your lucky day Poppy, I happen to know a thing or three about cars, and I desperately want to get this thing working so we can go on that date.” She winks playfully but god does she mean it. Bea silently prayed that the blonde wouldn’t take it the wrong way, but she knew she won when Poppy didn't protest, instead getting comfortable under some shade and holding her hand out, “the stage is all yours Jackson.”
***
“So what you’re trying to tell me is that I can’t jump over this obvious not-so-protected fence?”
“Judging by the sign right next to it that says...oh wow who would’ve thought, “DO NOT ENTER”, I don’t think so”, Poppy deadpans. It didn’t phase Bea of course because she was already halfway up the fence when the blonde turned away from the sign. The girl had a point to prove, maybe not a valid one, but still a point.
Poppy pinches her eyebrows in exasperation before looking back up to a nonchalant Bea swinging her legs from the top of the fence. She winks down at the blonde, “join me?”
Poppy didn’t expect to be climbing fences with a charismatic girl who had the same color hair as her when she moved schools, but she found herself embracing every moment of it. Although the trip up there was a struggle and some.
“I swear to god there’s a wire in my ass.”
“You’re being dramatic.”
“And we’re both going to end up in the hospital. Get. me. Down.”
Bea tries to hold in her laughter the whole way down but lets it loose when she sees Poppy still up there, partly hovering in the air. “Pops...I’ll catch you, don't worry. Climb down slowly.” She doesn’t. But Bea had her feet planted and ready because any moment with the sassy blonde was unpredictable.  And she loved it. Especially because she had Poppy engulfed in her arms and they were so close their noses touched.
Bea promised herself she’d kiss the girl next time.
***
“You’re...in a gang?”
Bea felt a clasp of cold air enter her lungs as she stared ahead. It wasn’t like she could hide it from Poppy. She has a reputation, and word has gotten around about the two getting close. This was just like that one time at the end of sophomore year where Bea met Kelly Hall, a beautiful girl with golden rimmed glasses. Unfortunately she only could imagine what could’ve been after whispers ended up right on the doorstep of Kelly’s parents, and she suddenly changed her number, and switched out of every class she had with Bea.
The blonde didn’t want to entertain the thought of Poppy doing the same, but this was a lifestyle she chose.
“I mean...how?”
Bea sighs and turns to look at her, “I fell into the wrong crowd. Or maybe it’s the right one because I never found a true home until I met them. They’re family, I wouldn’t expect you to get it though and I understand if you want to distance-”
“I of all people know what it’s like to not fit in Jackson. You’ve found people who make you feel safe. Maybe I don’t agree with the troubles that come with being in a gang but I don’t know the whole story.”
“Do you want to?”
Poppy wraps her arms around Bea’s and lays her head on her shoulder, “I want to know that you won’t get yourself hurt but I know that’s nearly impossible.”
Bea exhales slowly, not knowing what to say. She knew that this would upset Poppy but her acceptance meant more. She didn’t know what this would mean for the two of them, if there was a “them”, but she felt more encouraged to share more of her other life with the blonde.
“Just promise me one thing Jackson.”
“Yeah?”
Poppy’s voice comes out softer than expected, and Bea ingests every emotion that comes with it, “Promise me you won’t ever put yourself in a position where you have to choose between me or the gang.”
Bea finds her hand in the space where their thighs touched and latches onto it like a lifebuoy,
“I promise.”
***
“I just remembered something Poppy.”
“What, that you have half a brain cell? I thought that was established Jackson.”
Bea launches a pillow that (purposely) misses Poppy’s head by an inch. If she actually hit her and frizzed up her locks then she’d never hear, or see..or walk again.
“I’m being serious. I just remembered this too, we never went on that car date we talked about.”
Poppy squints her eyes in confusion, but was fully aware of what Bea was referring to. “You mean the first time we met?”
The blonde smiles to herself as she replayed that day in her head over and over again. She couldn’t decide if Bea’s openly flirty behavior is what drew her in or if it was her ability to fix any of her possessions with ease. And for free.
Bea pulls Poppy up by her hands until her back is against the lockers. Another perfect opportunity for the blonde to make do of that promise she made to herself, but something told her to wait just a bit longer. “So what do you say? Poppy Min Sinclair, will you go on a date with me?”
Poppy rolls her eyes playfully, pulling Bea in closer by the collar of her letterman, “now who’s being dramatic?”
“I didn’t hear a no”
“I think you know what the answer is.”
That night Zoey helped Bea prep for her first date with the girl that she could say she was almost in love with. The taller girl brushed some dust off of Bea’s jacket and planted her hands on her shoulders, “remember Jackson, give her the ride of her life. And I mean that in every way possible.”
Thanks Zoe.
Bea watched Poppy drive up in front of her house and something inside her mind couldn’t deny the pang her heart let out when she saw Poppy smile the way she did.
Bea took control of the driving and told Poppy to recline her seat and enjoy the ride, with her seatbelt on of course. Safe sacrifices. They cruised through an empty highway blasting Poppy’s spotify playlist named “Rich Bitch Songs” because that was their ideal perfect date. It’s amazing that the two could even come to an agreement, but here we are.
She watched the beautiful blonde sing her lungs out and couldn’t help but mirror her joy, taking her hands off the steering wheel. The pump of adrenaline prompts a new excitement in the air and Poppy wraps Bea into a secure hug, her hair flying wildly with the wind. Bea slows the car down but the rapid beating of her heart made it seem they were going 100 miles per second.
“I feel so alive Jackson.”
Bea stared at the girl in the passenger seat with a look that could only be described as love.
“You make me feel alive.”
Poppy kept talking and Bea found a way to focus on both the road and the blonde next to her. Because when you truly enjoy something, you’ll find a way to keep experiencing it. And Bea enjoyed hearing Poppy’s voice, she loved everything about her.
“I feel like kissing you.”
“Then what’s stopping you?”
“...Nothing. I should’ve done this a long time ago.”
They kiss when Bea pulls over.  A hot feeling consumes them like fire when their tongues collide and Bea plants her hands around Poppy’s hips, pushing her back into her seat until she’s on top. The windows easily start to fog up in reaction to the heat, and not once did they take their hands off each other.
Promise 1/2 kept
--------------------------------------------------------
End Note: This chapter was to build their relationship, more angst incoming. BIG THANKS to @somewillwin for letting me use Jackson <3333
Taglist: @samanthadalton @somewillwin @clowneryme @baexpoppy @poppysmc @doey-eyes8 @veenast @straightlikewetspaghetti @phoennixxsblog @a-ghost-girl
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So I saw someone else get an anon message that said: “I hate to admit this, but I really can't shake the feeling that Benji loves Victor more than Victor loves Benji at this point.” I wanted to respond as well, because I think this is something people are probably seeing a lot and I really want to explain how I’m looking at it (from personal experience and just from looking at and examining the characters).
CW/TW: Mental Health, suicidal ideation/action mention, Addiction, Emotional Trauma, sex mention, Predatory relationship mention, catholicism, homophobia, misunderstandings, lack of communication, spoilers for love victor seasons 1 & 2 [let me know if I missed anything please]
I want to be frank in saying that Benji is my favorite character and I project onto him a lot (along with seeing a lot of myself in him). I’m also white AF, so I’m sure some of you think that’s relevant, but I really don’t think it is in this particular case. I do also however identify with Victor in a number of ways and I am trying to see the characters both as complex individuals with deep personal histories. Both have suffered traumas and both are clearly dealing with a lot of their own shit on top of being sixteen/seventeen and dealing with junior year of high school and all the pressures and expectations that brings for everyone.
I think what people are interpreting at loving someone more/less is actually about prioritizing someone/a relationship more/less. In my mind, from what I see on screen and interpret, they both love each other beyond words. They are both very much in love with one another. It comes down to how they display that to each other and to the public as well as where on their list of priorities this relationship falls.
Let’s start with Victor, struggles and life:
He is dealing with internalized homophobia and associated thought-patterns stemming from his upbringing in the Catholic church as well from the vocalized homophobic remarks from his mother (toward himself and Benji as well as likely at other points in his life toward strangers), his father (stating that he hopes Adrian doesn’t turn out ‘like that’; the scene in S1 where they’re at the church in Texas and he calls the hairdresser ‘flojito’; etc.), and his grandparents (on his birthday and likely at other points in his life). As a result of this, Victor tried to make himself straight (or at least interested in a girl) by dating Mia because he did like her as a person and everyone was telling him that’s what he was supposed to do. He ended up hurting her and almost losing her friendship (temporarily, he did, but she does seem to have forgiven him now).
He is dealing with outside homophobia as well. That kid on the very first day he was Creekwood responding to Benji helping him up. Felix’s comment that same day of ‘you don’t want to give people the wrong idea.’ The basketball team/gym class guys roasting him about not hooking up with Mia on the ferris wheel. Felix saying he’d be crazy to not like Mia. Lake asking ‘are you gay or something’ when he brought Felix along to Mia’s house, etc., etc. Some of these things may seem innocent enough, but they weren’t. Not to Victor who was already struggling to accept even the possibility that he might be gay. Once he managed to come out to his parents, obviously his father got better fairly quickly, but Isabel continued to struggle for six months which put even more pressure on Victor to try to lead this double life. Once he came out at school, the whole fiasco with the basketball team also occurred and that was a lot for him, because Basketball as always his safe-space. It’s where he went to get away from all the other pressure. It was something he didn’t have to think about and now suddenly, he did. Those pressure are also affecting his ability to think about what he may want and it seems affecting his ability to think (at all sometimes) about how any of that is also affecting Benji. It’s affecting him so much that he’s basically blind to how it’s also affecting Benji to see him suffer. He doesn’t even consider that possibility until Felix brings up how hard it is for him the night Felix breaks up with Lake and Venji get caught having sex.
Victor also has struggles away from just his coming out and accepting himself journey. He has the struggles associated with his parents separation. Until fairly recently, Victor always thought his parents had a perfect relationship. He saw that as the ideal. Get together in High School, get married right away, stay together for ever, happily ever after. That’s what he was raised to expect. And now he’s seeing their relationship fall apart before his eyes. Hell, his devoutly Catholic mother had an affair, and he’s wondering if it’s really possible for your first love to be your only love especially after he and Benji start butting heads, so he’s already vulnerable to that viewpoint when Rahim brings up the possibility. He gets so lost in what’s happening to his parents and what Rahim is saying about it not usually working out that he forgets how in love he is and he sort of loses his will to fight for what he wants, because maybe it’s just doomed to fail anyway (until he sees Benji at the wedding and it sort of hits again - and then Felix’s speech thereafter, obviously). He kind of loses his way by getting caught up in the statistic improbability of your first love being the one and watching his parents’ marriage potentially fall apart and he wonders for a moment if it might be easier, if it might be better to just walk away and go toward Rahim who he seem to get along with and seems to understand the things Benji doesn’t about him, but what he fails to examine in that moment is that he’s only barely scratched the surface with Rahim and that Rahim doesn’t know him like Benji does and that every relationship has it’s ups and downs and what it always comes down to is how willing both parties are to work to make things right. How much you’re willing to step into the other person’s shoes and try to understand. In my opinion, even if he were to walk away from Benji and go to Rahim, that bubble of understanding isn’t going to last forever either. He’s failing to remember that when he got together with Benji (and for most of the summer it seems) that’s exactly what it was like and failing to remember that they have grown beyond that into a deep soul-altering love for one another that deserves his time, energy, and effort and NEEDS those things to keep it going.
Now let’s talk about Victor’s priorities in life:
Victor has always been close with his family, especially his mother. The strain on that relationship is very taxing on his mental well-being. He has a hard time ‘standing up to’ her or talking back to her, etc. because he loves her and he just wants their easy, close relationship back. He already overcame his own anger at her affair to get her back, but now she’s the one pulling away because of his sexuality and it’s hurting him because if he was able to forgive her for something that was actually wrong, why can’t she forgive him for something that he has no control over. So he loves his mother and his family and he hates disappointing them. He has spent most of his life fixing his family’s issues (as he explains to Simon in S1), but now he is the issue and he doesn’t know how to handle it. When in 2x1 he decides to just bring Benji over and try exposure therapy with his mom, it backfires in a big way. Even though they barely touch each other. Even though Benji just says the word boyfriend once, it’s too much for Isabel and Victor desperately wants to please. He desperately wants to not lose his mother (who has always been the person he is closest to), so that causes him to take a step back from going against her and the steps he still takes (telling her he wants her to call Benji his boyfriend not just his friend, the whole conversation outside the church, the conversation with Adrian, etc.) are things that Benji doesn’t get to see happening and it frustrated Victor that Benji won’t even listen to him when he tries to say that his mom is making progress at all, because she is so important to him and yet it seems like Benji just doesn’t even recognize or care about that. This leads him to say the thing he does at Brasstown before Benji runs out, because he assumes that it has to do with Benji being white and of course, that is part of it, but I think Victor in that moment is so overwhelmed by the rejection of his mother and now the refusal of his boyfriend to even try to understand that he snaps. He forgets all the struggles Benji has told him from his own past and he just lashes out which causes Benji to leave [more on Benji’s viewpoint of this whole thing later].
Victor also loves basketball. It’s true that in some case LGBTQIA+ individual participate in certain activities to make them seem more ‘normal’. Gay men participating in sports to seem more macho is a common one, so Benji thinking that’s why Victor plays basketball makes sense to an extend, but he never bothers to ask Victor about, only makes assumptions, and Victor feels like the fact that he actually likes sports makes him ‘not gay enough’ (see conversation with Andrew). What he’s forgetting entirely is his encounter with Bram and the gay basketball league in NYC from episode 1x8. There are many ways to be gay, and sports gays do exist and are perfectly valid. That’s not the type of gay Benji or his friends/bandmates are, but it is the type that Victor is and Benji failing to recognize that and failing to understand or even ask Victor about that drives one of many wrenches into their relationship. In episode 1x5 when Benji shows up to Victor’s first game back on the team and does the Go Grizzlies dance with the other basketball girlfriends, it definitely does a lot of help Victor realize this was just a miscommunication/misunderstanding rather than anything malicious. Basketball and his teammates continue to be a priority for him after this, but that seems to be something Benji is now capable of understanding.
Finally, Victor loves Benji. He wants to be with Benji; there is zero doubt about that. However, for Victor when he’s put on the spot (as in episode 2x8) and basically told he has to choose his mom (who has raised him and been his closest confidant and biggest supporter for his entire life) or his boyfriend (who he’s known for almost a year and been dating for six months and is helplessly in love with) it processes as an error message in his brain. He just wants everyone to get along. He’s not mad that Adrian knows that he’s gay (he’s wanted him to know for months), but he is upset that his mom is now even angrier. [see my section about Benji in this moment, for more about Isabel’s reactions as well] In his mind, telling Adrian could wait. In his mind, he was willing to go along with his mom’s requests for a while longer just to keep the peace so to speak. He didn’t want his whole life to fall apart and that’s what he thought was about to happen in that moment. That’s why he asked Benji to leave. He didn’t want to make his mom any angrier. Could he have chosen his words better? Yes. Could he have made Benji understand better? Yes. But he’s sixteen and his brain wasn’t functioning at full capacity because post-sex brain is definitely a thing and he was also looking at his mom who has already been horrible and barely able to look at him for six months, looking even angrier after he finally thought they’d made some progress after church the previous week.
So in conclusion, regarding Victor:
He loves his family (especially his mom). He loves Benji. He loves Basketball. Obviously, he’s not going to prioritize basketball over either of the human beings involved, but I think it’s important to at least note it’s importance in his life. As for Isabel vs. Benji. To Victor, these are the two most important people in his life. All he wants is to be able to love both of them and have both of them love him in return. When they are pit against each other, especially directly, it’s hard for him to make a choice. It’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to his mom and it’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to Benji, but in the moment (episode 2x8 specifically), he takes Isabel’s side, because he knows the ramifications of saying no to her and of making her even more angry that she already is are far worse than the ones for asking Benji to leave for the night. He failed to realize however, how close Benji already was to the edge and how upset he was going to be and how little he understood (or was willing to try to understand) about the situation. This is something he really needs to communicate with Benji (even though it’s not quite as important now that Isabel’s apparently come around). I think it’s important for Benji to understand that Victor values his relationship with his mother enough that it’s difficult for him to go against her without a lot of preparation and having a fully fledged reason, etc.
Now for Benji - Struggles and Life:
The obvious of course is that Benji is a sixteen/seventeen year old that’s barely a year sober and attending AA meetings regularly. Recovering from Alcoholism is difficult at any age let alone for a teenager. One of the most important factors in recovery is looking at the things that led you to drink in the first place. Looking at things that may be considered triggers and either learning to avoid those people/situations or learning healthy alternatives in those situations. I have multiple family members who are both actively drinking alcoholics as well as those in recovery. I also lost my best friend/ex-fiancé to alcoholism a few years ago, so to say I have some personal experience in this arena is putting it lightly. Benji admits to Victor in 1x7 that he used to drink a lot because he knew he was gay, but didn’t want to be. To me that whole story screamed, I’m an alcoholic and while a lot of others agreed with that opinion. I was not shocked that Victor didn’t understand that underlying truth. Those that don’t have intimate familiarity with alcoholism often do not recognize the signs (either as they happen when when they are not directly told). It is made clear in episodes 2x7 & 2x8 that Benji hates this part of himself, in fact he says as much to Victor when he arrives at his apartment late the night of his birthday. Benji has still not fully accepted that the alcoholic part of himself that attends AA meetings and drinks orange juice while his friends are drinking vodka is one and the same with the part of himself that loves Victor with all his heart. This is something I’d really like to see him reconcile and work on in season 3 and beyond. Understand that you can’t compartmentalize yourself. You are but one whole person and all facets of yourself are in fact part of the singular you. [Not accounting for those with dissociative identity disorder.] It’s not directly mentioned if he’s still struggling with urges to drink, but most if not all alcoholics do, especially when experiencing those aforementioned triggers. Seeing Benji meeting with his sponsor after the incident with Isabel/Victor is not shocking to me and if anything, that was the healthy and correct response on his part. The reason he was drinking in the first place was that he was gay and didn’t want to be (internalized and probably external homophobia) and he just experience some really intense homophobia at the hands of his boyfriend’s mom (and partially said boyfriend himself). Benji’s lack of understanding of where Isabel was coming from in episode 1x8 speaks volumes to just how traumatize Benji still is about his own experiences with homophobia. The only thing he can think about in that moment is that this woman hates me for being gay. She hates her son for being gay. Being gay isn’t okay, etc. What he doesn’t factor in is that Isabel is also devoutly Catholic. I honestly don’t think it’s the gay part of the sex that horrified her the most. The Catholic faith is also very clear on the practice of abstinence from sex (at all) prior to marriage. She would’ve responded the same way had she walked in on Victor having sex with a girl, in my opinion, but in the moment Benji’s own trauma is overriding his ability to understand that because all he can see is the homophobia. This is especially true after she calls him Victor’s friend rather than his boyfriend and that in my opinion, is why he snaps. Could he have phrased it better? Yes. Could he have said it without shouting? Yes. But he is a freshly seventeen-year-old whose brain is not functioning on all cylinders in that moment.
Sort of coupled with his alcoholism and recovery therefrom is the allusion his mother makes to ‘dark times’ following his accident. I do have suspicions that perhaps he was also struggling with mental illness, and likely continues to. Depression to the point of suicidal ideation or actions (possibly only in the form of drinking, but possibly in other forms as well). Anxiety is pretty obvious from his actions and reactions throughout the series as well. I also think he is dealing with some sort of trauma-based disorder stemming from the homophobia he experienced (especially the instance of his father taking him to strip-club). It may go as far as C-PTSD (which I myself am diagnosed with) or it maybe something less (or even more). I’m not in the habit of sticking mental health diagnoses of people (fictional or otherwise though). Dealing with these things on top of what in his eyes feels like rejection from not only Isabel, but in a way from Victor as well likely causes some very unpleasant thought patterns and the potential for thought spirals and the likely. I also see indications that he could suffer from co-dependency (whish I also have dealt with in the past), but I’m honestly not sure if that’s me projecting or if it’s actually there.
Then on top of all of that, his boyfriend who he loves more than anything in the world, tells his deepest darkest secret to someone he’s literally never met or spoken to and that said boyfriend has only known for maybe a week at best and thinks it’s no big deal. In that moment, I can 110% see why Benji requests to take a break and I feel that choice is 110% the right one to make. What is a relationship built on if not trust? Victor just destroyed most if not all of the trust Benji had in him. That doesn’t mean he stopped loving him, just that he doesn’t trust him. Love isn’t something you can turn off and on like a light switch especially not the kind these two share. I definitely think Victor has a lot of explaining to do and a lot of apologies to make. I do also think they both need to have a really long, really honest and open conversation. Benji needs to be willing to get a little vulnerable and explain why certain things are causing him so much distress, but he also needs to be willing to listen to Victor explain why he can’t simply go against his mother as Benji seems to think he should. They both really demonstrated a degree of selfishness this season along with an lack of communication and a lack of willingness to understand or even try to understand each other’s points of view and that is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.
There also exists the issue of Benji’s parents. His mother especially seems to overstep quite frequently and insert herself into his life where she was not invited or expected. I do wonder if this was always her personality or if this is something that started after Benji’s accident. I have a hunch it was likely the latter. I see indications that perhaps there was some neglect or just general indifference on his parents part as he was growing up. They clearly missed that he had started drinking heavily and that he stole his dad’s car that night. He was also evidently dating Derek for quite a while before the accident. (Derek is another section by himself though.) This not to mention the fact that his father took him to a strip club and paid for a lap dance when he was no more than sixteen if he was even that old, in an effort to turn him straight. Benji tells Victor in episode 1x7 that he and his dad used to be close and that they used to go to Dollywood on road trips and other such things, but that he’s been distant since he came out. We see from the scene where he walks in on Benji and Victor making out that he’s not vocally/outwardly homophobic, but I would not doubt that he still harbors some of those viewpoints in himself. It’s evident to me that Benji is not close to his parents (he may once have been, but at this point it’s pretty clear that he’s not anymore). Benji doesn’t have siblings to the best of our knowledge. It’s also mentioned that his nana (like a paternal grandmother) is deceased, so it’s really not clear how much contact he even has with his extended family or how much of one exists. For these reasons, in his mind, there is no circumstance where his family (especially not his parents) would take precedence of his own happiness or Victor’s. That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him that Victor doesn’t stand up to Isabel, because if the roles were reversed, he would have no problem at all telling his own mother (or father) off. He doesn’t seem to comprehend Victor’s need to keep his relationship with his mother intact. I’m very glad Isabel pointed out to him that Victor has stood up to her and risked their relationship for him, but the disconnect still lies in that Benji isn’t a fan of the fact that he didn't’ do that in his presence and that he didn’t do more.
Then there’s Derek. Derek is at least a sophomore in college in season 2 as he was clearly in college in season 1 as well. Meaning he is at least 19/20 when Benji is 16/17. They had been together for a year the previous spring (episode 1x6) which means they started dating when Benji was 15 and Derek was no younger than 18 (I think he is like at least a year older than the youngest possibility). Georgia’s age of consent is 16, and there are no ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in place in the state meaning it is categorically illegal for anyone 18 years of age or older to engage in sexual acts with anyone 15 years of age or younger unless they are legally wed, meaning until Benji’s 16th birthday, this relationship was illegal in general not to mention the predatory nature of someone in college dating a high school sophomore to begin with. They generally don’t prosecute if the people involved are within 4 years of each other though (which coincides with ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in other states) which they could’ve been within depending on Derek’s actual age and birthday. It doesn’t seem like charges were filed either way which is questionable on Benji’s parents part. Benji also tells Victor in 1x10 that Derek made him feel bad a lot of the time about the things he like and about being a romantic, we also see Derek crap all over Benji’s special anniversary date in 1x6. The toxicity of that relationship is sure to have left it’s mark on Benji and carried over into his new relationship with Victor. I also find it questionable that knowing that, Benji was shitting all over Victor’s love for basketball at one point (isn’t that exactly what he complained about Derek doing to him about his interests?), though as you see in my earlier comments, I do understand that perhaps Benji wasn't’ fully aware that Victor actually liked basketball and wasn’t just doing it to seem straight/make his dad happy/etc. I also think it’s quite confusing that Victor managed to come up with that date idea for Benji in 1x6 and then the best he could do for Benji’s birthday was champagne and sex? I’d be more than marginally hurt over that if I was Benji, to be completely fair. It is also worth it to note that Benji stayed with Derek for over a year despite all of their problems (which goes back to the possibility of co-dependency issues) and yet he was willing to break up with him just to chase after the possibility of Victor. They had already connected on so many levels even prior to that night that even the possibility of that relationship made Benji willing to leave someone he’d been with for more than a year (obviously Victor’s little speech in the hallway played a part in that).
Benji’s Priorities:
In Benji’s world, he has a few things that could be considered priorities.
Maintaining his sobriety is obviously one, but he keeps that separate from everything else. I don’t see it being held above or below anyone or anything. It’s just a completely separate thing to him (which again I feel he needs to reconcile). He was able to do that while also appeasing his friends and Victor (see episode 2x4 where he switches out his cups).
His music/band is obviously a priority, but again that’s something basic that everyone knows about and accepts. He doesn’t have choose between that and anything or anyone else that we’re shown.
Victor is his primary priority however. To him, that is the most important relationship/person in his life. He doesn’t know what he’d do without him. He says he loves that part of his life which I take to mean, he loves who he is when they’re together and not so much when they’re apart. To him, there is no question of who he would choose if there was a choice in front of him between Victor and literally anyone else (including his parents). That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him when the choice isn’t so simple for Victor when he actually has to make one between Benji and Isabel. Benji isn’t close with his parents and he doesn’t seem to understand what it is like for someone that is. Even if his parents didn’t come around right away. Even if they still may not be fully on board with everything, it didn't’ matter that much to him, because he could stand up to them because he didn’t care about destroying a relationship, because there already wasn’t much of one to begin with. This leads to him not understanding that Victor is seriously conflicted in the moments where he is made to choose between his boyfriend and his mother, because to Benji that choice is crystal clear. Again, they could really do with an honest conversation about this where Benji actually listens and tries to understand where Victor’s coming from, because right now, I think he just doesn’t quite get it. It’s clear that Isabel’s speech at Brasstown helped him to understand or at least start to, and obviously now that Isabel isn’t so much of an obstacle everything becomes a little easier, but it is still something that I really feel they need to discuss and understand about each other.
In conclusion:
Both of these boys need therapy (individual, family, and couples), and they would really benefit from a lot more open and honest communication where they both are able to speak honestly about their needs and desires as well as both being able to listen to and understand (or try to at least) one another.
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allthingsfangirl101 · 3 years
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Jealousy Wars Part 1–Teddy Sanders
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Part 2
I thought I was away from that life. Until I saw the moving truck next door and the sign I never wanted to see again.
Delta Psi.
My heart dropped into my stomach when I saw him jumping out of the truck.
Teddy Sanders is the president of Delta Psi. He's everything you think when you think of fraternities. He sleeps around, he doesn't care about school, and he doesn't have any plans for after college.
Just one more thing: he's my ex-boyfriend.
When we first came to college, we met in class and instantly fell for each other. When he joined the fraternity sophomore year, he promised he wouldn't change. It took barely a month for him to go back on his promise.
We dated for another year after he joined the fraternity but I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take his sudden attitude, his change in personality, his short temper, or his newfound language. Walking into the frat house during the end of junior year party and seeing a slut on his lap was the last straw. We broke up that night.
During the summer, I moved into a house with a married couple. They were sweet enough to rent out their basement to me. I spent the entire summer fixing the basement. Now it's a liveable loft with a kitchen, bathroom, a bedroom, and a spacious living room. Spending all summer fixing the basement loft helped me to forget about the heartbreak Teddy Sanders caused.
I quickly closed the drapes, hoping he didn't see me. The rest of the day, I hid in our house. The last thing I wanted was for him to realize that he moved his frat into the house next door to me.
"Are you alright, sweetheart?" Kelly asked as she made Stella a bottle.
"I'm fine," I stuttered. I looked up to see her sending me a knowing look. "It's just. . . You know the frat that moved in next door?"
"Yeah," she chuckled. "I know them."
"Well, they're from my school and. . . I used to date the president," I finally got out.
"Wait," she said, finally putting the bottle down. "You used to date Teddy?"
"Yeah," I sighed as I closed my computer.
"Damn," she said under her breath as she glanced out the kitchen window. My heart jumped when I saw Teddy outside, teasing the pledges.
"I was in love with him," I mumbled.
"Really?" Kelly said, her voice changing. She hesitated before asking, "What happened between you two?"
"He joined that damn fraternity," I said through my teeth. "Every day he spent with those assholes, he became one of them. And every day he became more like them, I lost him."
Kelly walked over and wrapped her arms around me. "I'm sorry, honey. He doesn't deserve you."
She kissed the top of my head before grabbing Stella's bottle and headed upstairs to her nursery. I took a shaky breath before looking out the window.
My breath got stuck in my throat when I made eye contact with Pete, Teddy's best friend. He lifted his hand and tried to wave at me, but I didn't return it. Instead, I stood up, grabbed my computer, and instantly went downstairs.
                         * * * * *
I slowly grabbed my bag and took time as I slipped on my shoes. I have been needing to go to the store all day but didn't want to risk seeing Teddy. Or worse, him seeing me.
"Honey," Kelly sighed as she walked in holding Stella. "I know you don't want to see Teddy, but maybe you should."
"I can't," I stuttered.
"Here's what I think you should do,"' she said gently. "Walk out that door, your head held high, and make him be the one freaking out that he moved in next door. Walk out that door and show him what he's missing."
She gave my arm a reassuring squeeze before walking into the kitchen. I took a shaky breath as I threw my bag over my shoulder. Before I could talk myself out of it, I opened the door and headed out to my car.
I could hear the guys next door whispering about me as I got in my car. I forced myself not to look over as I sat down and closed the door. I took a shaky breath as I started the car and pulled out of the driveway.
As I drove away, I looked in the rearview mirror to see Pete and Teddy talking as they watched me drive away.
                         * * * * *
When I got back from the store, I noticed that most of the boys had gone inside. I parked my car and made sure not to look over at them as I got out and headed inside.
"Hey, Y/N!"
I turned around to see Pete jogging over. "Hi, Pete," I stuttered as I closed my door.
"How are you?" He asked as he shoved his hands into his front pockets.
I sighed as I turned towards him. "What are you doing over here, Pete?"
"I'm sorry about you and Teddy. I liked the two of you together."
I couldn't help but scoff. "He's not."
I tried to head inside but stopped when Pete called out to me. "What do you mean?"
"Pete," I sighed, my voice breaking. "I see him, okay? You've lived next to me for a week and I've already seen it all. I've seen every girl he's been with. He has a different girl on his arm every night. I can't. . ."
"He still has feelings for you," he blurted out.
"What?" I stuttered.
"He still has feelings for you, Y/N," Pete repeated. "In fact, he's never stopped loving you. When he gets drunk, he talks about how stupid he was for letting you go."
I looked over right as Teddy walked outside. We made eye contact, neither one of us breaking it as he grabbed the nearest girl and pulled her into his chest. My heart sank as he started making out with the random girl.
"Yeah," I scoffed, turning back towards Pete with tears in my eyes. "He looks real heartbroken over losing me."
                         * * * * *
Teddy's POV
I gasped when I was pulled away from the girl. I looked over to see Pete glaring at me.
"What's your problem?" I asked, pulling the girl back into my chest.
"You can go," Pete said to the girl. She sighed before turning on her heel and walking away.
"Seriously?" I sighed.
"What is wrong with you?!" Pete yelled.
"Me?" I scoffed.
"Yes, you," he said, rolling his eyes. "You're the one who intentionally grabbed that girl to make out with in front of Y/N."
"I wasn't. . ." I stuttered.
"You weren't thinking," Pete continued. "How long has it been since you've seen Y/N? A few months? However long, you haven't stopped talking about how much you miss her. You go on and on about how much you screwed up. Well, fate has put you right next to her. Stop being an ass, Teddy. Go talk to her. And pray she forgives you."
Pete glanced over at Y/N's house and sighed before walking inside. As much as I wish he wasn't, Pete was right. I've never stopped thinking about Y/N. I lost track of how many times I wanted to reach out to her and apologize.
Before we moved in here, I had no idea Y/N lived next door. The first time I saw her, she was walking around inside, helping make dinner. My heart jumped into my throat and I couldn't breathe as I watched her.
When Y/N and I broke up, it destroyed me. I tried to reach out to her after, but she didn't answer. I went to her apartment and begged her to open the door but she ignored me. Instead of continuing to bug her, I decided to give her the space she wanted.
Which was the dumbest thing I've ever done.
                         * * * * *
My heart jumped into my throat when I looked over and saw Y/N leaving the house, heading out to her car. I debated before jogging outside. When she looked up and saw me walking towards her, she froze.
"Teddy," she said, her voice getting stuck in her throat. "What are you. . ."
"How are you?" I asked, nervously putting my hands in my back pockets.
"Don't," she said as she looked away from me.
"Don't what?"
"I can't do this with you, Teddy. Don't pretend to. . ."
"Pretend to what?"
"To care about me!" She yelled. She looked over at me with tears in her eyes. "Don't pretend that you have given me one thought since I left."
"I have," I defended myself. "Y/N, I never stopped thinking about you."
"Don't," she said, her voice breaking. "Don't lie to me. . . I can't. . . I can't handle it."
She walked past her car and started to walk away from our houses, away from me. I ran my fingers through my hair, debating. Finally, I turned on my heel and chased after her.
"Y/N!" I called out to her. "Just talk to me. Please."
"Do you think this is easy for me?" She scoffed as she stopped walking. She turned around with angry tears continuing to stream down her cheeks.
I opened and closed my mouth, stuttering. Her angry look softened as she continued, "It's torture watching you make out and hook up with other girls, Teddy. It's too damn painful. The one thing I've learned since you moved in next door is that you haven't changed."
"Y/N," I stuttered. She waited for me to continue but I couldn't find the right words. She scoffed as she turned on her heel and started walking away from her house.
"Y/N, wait!" I called out. I looked down the road, my heart jumping into my throat when I saw a car speeding towards her.
"Y/N!" I tried to get her attention. "Get out of the road!"
Part 2
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eideticmemory · 4 years
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EVER SINCE NEW YORK II | MATTHEW GRAY GUBLER
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Description: Description: I was messaged saying: “If you don’t write a young Matthew enemies to lovers fic featuring an obsession with sucking on boobs then what’s the point 😔.” So, here it is, folks! The ultimate College!Matthew fic.
PART 2! Read Part 1 here.
Soundtrack:
Maps - Maroon 5.
Me & Ur Ghost - Blackbear.
Keep You Close - Frenship.
Word Count: 3,341.
Rating: M.
Warning/Includes: Sexual intercourse, substance use, a bit of angst.
Fall, Sophomore Year.
Tisch School of the Arts,
New York University.
New York City. 
“Okay, you know what?” You scoffed, throwing your hands up in surrender. “I give up. I don’t give a fuck anymore.”
Claire laughed from behind you, “You alright over there?”
“No,” you grumbled. You pressed down on the black frame, using all your might to make the command strip stick to the wall. Yet, when you stepped back, it would pop off of the surface, and your ballet poster was lopsided. It’d been a vicious cycle for 10 minutes. “This goddamn command strip won’t stick. What the fuck?” 
“Okay, grumpy, step away from the poster,” Claire ordered, grabbing onto your shoulders and escorting you to the center of the room. “The room looks great, [y/n], why are you so stressed?” 
“I am not stressed. I am frustrated, and those damn command strips aren’t cheap. I’m pissed.” 
“Okay, staples queen, tell you what,” she sighed. “I will go buy you a pack of command strips and personally mount the poster myself, okay?” 
You looked up at Claire, giving her a soft smile. “Did I win the roommate lottery or what?”
“Yeah, but better not say stuff like that too much. People are gonna start thinking we’re a different type of roommates.”
You laughed, and shook your head at her. 
“[y/n], what’s up?” Claire asked. “You’ve been moody as fuck ever since we moved back in for the semester. Classes haven’t even started yet and you’re moping around. What’s going on?”
Well, Claire, you thought. I’m glad you asked. I’m glad you brought it up, because I’ve been dying to talk about it for a while. You see, I fucked my mortal enemy, and it was so good that I did it a second time. And no, I’m not talking about my cinematography professor, I’m talking about Matthew. Gubler. I fucked Matthew Gubler. Yes, I know. Hell has frozen over. Because I hated him. I hate him. I think he’s awful. Especially since he thinks it’s okay to fuck someone, ignore their existence, fuck them again, ignore their existence, and then leave them with a vague ass note? 505. 505! I’ve looked up every possible meaning of 505 that there is. The song, urban dictionary, numerology. And I can’t figure the shit out. And it doesn’t help that Matthew didn’t say a word to me over summer break. I’m just lost and confused and I know you would understand and you would know what to do. 
But it’s Matthew. 
And I can’t tell anyone. Especially you. 
“Last semester was a royal disaster,” you sighed. “I just don’t wanna overwhelm myself again. Y’know with class, and shows, and parties. I wanna do right this semester, but it’s a little stressful. So, I’m a little stressed.” 
Claire looked at you for a long time, eyebrows lowered and her eyes scanning your face. She had a gut feeling that you were lying, but didn’t wanna be a bitch. So she bit her tongue. 
“Let’s go get something to eat,” she smiled. 
Classes started that following Monday. Your first lecture was at 10 o’clock. And you woke up at 10:15. Having showered the night before, you brushed your teeth, put on your outfit and fixed your hair all in ten minutes and hiked it across campus in 4 minutes. You rushed up to the classroom door, and entered the lecture very calmly. People were scattered about in the auditorium, some towards the sides, a lot front and center. But only one person sitting in the very back row.
Matthew. 
Too occupied with explaining yourself to your professor, you didn’t notice Matthew until a few minutes after entering. You refused to make eye contact with him, nervously staring at your feet as you walked over to him. And took a seat at his side. 
“Hey.”
“Hey.” 
Those were the only words spoken for an hour and fifteen minutes. However, within 10 minutes of seeing you again, Matthew began to rub your thigh. His fingers grazed the top of your leg, slowly but surely making their way to your inner thigh. You held your breath, staring up at the professor the whole time and pretending to take notes. 
When Matthew’s fingers pressed against your clit, you almost gasped. But you kept your mouth shut, stifling the sound. He smirked to himself, only glancing at you when you were too shaken up to notice. You propped up the screen of your laptop, hiding your face behind it so you could let out quiet moans. You were so sensitive, and very glad that you wore a skirt to class. 
Matthew’s fingers slid your panties to the side and made skin to skin contact with your clit, applying pressure as he rubbed you. You exhaled for a long time, swear words wanting to fly out of your mouth instead. The professor’s words drowned out a long time ago, and at this point you didn’t care. You just needed to come. 
Matthew remembered the way you liked to be touched, he had to. Because he was able to bring you to the edge so quickly, it was insane. You clenched your thighs around his wrist to signal your nearing release, and he grinned. 
You rested your head on the keyboard of your laptop, hiding from everyone as you came. Your jaw dropped, and you had to stop yourself from groaning too loudly. Matthew removed his hand from under your skirt. He sucked on the tips of his fingers, just to get the taste of you on his tongue. Then, with only 2 minutes left in class, he packed up his stuff and walked out.
You should’ve dropped the class. At the very least, sat somewhere else. But you didn’t. You stayed in that course. With Matthew. In the back row. And wore skirts every other day for a month. Some days he would repeat the action, and some days he wouldn’t. It was like he could tell how desperate you were each time. And if you were really desperate, he simply didn’t touch you. It sucked, but it kept you on your toes. 
He missed class one day, and to cope, you had a dream about him that night. You imagined him using his mouth on you, in an empty lecture hall, bending you over the desk, making you come. When you woke up, you were in a cold sweat. You couldn’t believe you were having thoughts like this about Matthew Gubler. But you were. 
You hopped out of bed, put on your slippers, and left the room to go to the vending machines. Holding a soda and some candy, you walked back to your dorm room silently. Alerted by the sound of footsteps, you turned your head down the hall to see Claire walking out of someone’s room. She noticed you and rushed up to you with a big smile. 
“Hey!” She beamed. “What are you doing up?”
“Oh, uh, I couldn’t sleep. Where you been?”
She sighed happily, “I’ve been doing adult things, [y/n], I cannot lie.” She wrapped her arm around your shoulder as you both walked to your room. “I’m in love, kid. It’s crazy.”
“You’re in love? With who?”
“Ah, that will soon be revealed, my dear [y/n].” 
That weekend, you two invited everyone to come hang out at your dorm. Someone was able to swipe some liquor, and it was a party. A handful of people, getting a little tipsy, music in the background. Claire insisted Matthew be invited, but you weren’t expecting him to show up. But of course, he did. Because he’s a nuisance. 
He laid down on Claire’s bed and she sat beside him, the two of them quickly joining the conversation at hand. You tried not to look like a kicked puppy, tried not to pout, to sulk, to watch. But inch by inch, second by second, Claire moved closer to Matthew, until by the end of the night, her head was on his chest. 
That Monday, you sat in the front of the class. 
And every class after that for the next month. 
Missing your daily release, you became cranky and nasty and moody. You didn’t mean to, but that’s how it happened. To help you get over the nagging feeling, you went out one Saturday night. A group of friends dragged you along to a dorm party in the next building over. You used it as an excuse to dress up, ignore your homework and get some fresh air. In a tight purple dress, you walked into the booming dorm. It was packed, smelled like booze and filled with heat. 
A cup of vodka in your hand, it wasn’t until about two hours in that you realized you didn’t want to party. You sat on the couch the whole time, fiddling with your hands and the hem of your dress. You’d drank an entire solo cup of alcohol by then, and you were starting to get tired. Your friends had gotten lost a long time ago, and you knew it was fruitless to look for them. So, you picked yourself up and started to head for the exit. 
“[y/n]!” 
You turned around to see a guy walking towards you. Jonathan. “Hey, John, what the hell is going on?” You asked, noticing him supporting another guy on his shoulder. His friend was a drunken, sloppy mess, and could barely stand.
“Our boy Steve here had a little too much to drink,” John replied. “I’m taking him back to his room. You going back to your place?”
You nodded, “Yeah. I am.”
“Okay, do you mind helping me with him? Please? I’ll give you a dollar.”
You laughed, shook your head and put your arm around Steve’s waist. “Ooh, a dollar! Sounds exciting.” 
It was cold, and you shivered on the way back to your dorm building. Steve only lived down the hall from you, so helping wasn’t too far out of the way for you. John used Steve’s key to let the three of you into Steve’s suite, guiding both of you to Steve’s room. 
You both worked together to lay Steve down on his mattress. You covered him with his blanket. 
“You’re a lifesaver,” John told you. “We both are actually.”
“Maybe we should start a business. We escort drunk people home for a small fee of $100.”
He laughed, “I’m in as long as you dress like that every time.”
You blushed, and ducked your head down to hide it. 
“What’s going on in here?” A voice called to you two. 
You looked up at the threshold to see Matthew standing there, looking sleepy, disheveled, shirtless, and beautiful. 
“Hey, Gube,” John greeted. “[y/n] and I were just dropping Steve off. Kid couldn’t  hold his liquor.” 
Matthew scoffed, “You could’ve left him there. Let him get dicks drawn on his face.”
“Well, aren’t you full of love?” John laughed. “No, seriously, I’ve gotta text Lindsey and let her know I’m staying in for tonight.” He padded at his pocket, followed by a loud groan, “Fuck, I left my phone at the party. Fuck me.” 
“That’s a higher power trying to tell you that you need to stay out longer,” Matthew said. 
John smirked at him, “You’re right. Wonderful insight, Gubler.”
John walked out of the door, heading for the exit, and you followed him, avoiding eye contact with Matthew. As the two of you approached the front door, you froze. John exited the suite, not noticing that he was leaving you behind. And you would’ve moved if you had the power. 
Hanging on the door of the suite was the room number: 505.
Your breath caught in your throat. 505. The room number. The room number of the suite you saw Claire leaving that day. 505.
“What took you so long?” Matthew asked, standing behind you. 
You released your breath, goosebumps crawling on your skin as you felt him get closer to you. Your heart raced, your body trembled. You had a physical response to being near this boy. It was intense. 
“I’m not doing this, Matthew,” you whispered. 
“Doing what? We’re just talking.”
You turned around to face him, suddenly very angry, “No! You know what I’m talking about! You know what I’m talking about! And it’s gone on for long enough, Matthew. I’m out!” You kept your voice quiet, but still aggressive. You turned to exit the dorm, but he grabbed onto your waist and pulled you into him. 
“Listen, Princess Peach,” he said.
“Fuck you—“
“Listen. I don’t know what your deal is, but I do know that I miss you—“
“You’re full of shit. You just wanna fuck.”
“That’s what I said. I miss you. I mean, for such a short person, your pussy packs a punch.”
“You’re disgusting.”
“Face it,” he murmured. “You may hate me, but your pussy doesn’t.”
Your body melted into his at the sound of his voice. The feeling of his hands running down your body, landing on your thigh. “Just admit it. Or tell me to stop.” His fingers trailed under your dress, the tips grazing you through your panties. Your head rolled back at the gentle touch and he took that as an invitation to kiss your neck. 
“Cmon, shortcake, tell me to stop,” he mumbled. “Tell me to stop.” 
You responded by wrapping your hands around his throat, using all your strength to push him out the living room couch. He chuckled under his breath, stumbling back onto the cushion and pulling you into his lap. 
“Oh, you gonna choke me?” He asked, his voice coming out strained. “Okay, princess, you hate me so much? You can’t stand me?” He pushed his pants down to reveal his erection. “Fuck me like it then.” 
You crashed your lips onto his and pushed him back onto the couch, reaching down to grab his cock. You pulled your panties to the side and teased him against your core, moaning as his tip rubbed against your clit. You sank down onto his dick, feet pressed into the couch, hands holding his neck. 
He stared up at you as you fucked him — fast and careless. Swear words fell off of his lips uncontrollably, his hands pawing at your breast. Your boobs fit perfectly in his palm and he was obsessed. He had to bite down on his bottom lip to stay quiet, grunting into his mouth. 
“F-fuck,” he panted. “Wait, wait.” 
You leaned in and kissed him roughly, grinding your hips against his. You made sure to stay silent, giving no indication that you were experiencing so much pleasure. 
“H-hey — shit, fuck,” he groaned. “Wait.”
Matthew placed his hands on your ass, his eyes closed tight, his body tensing up as you rode him into the wall. “Oh, fuck!” He exclaimed, and lifted you off of his cock. Quickly, just in time for him to release all over his stomach. He panted, he quivered, he mumbled soft, dirty words. Whispered something about you. 
As pretty a sight as it was, you refused to sit there and stare. So, you stood up, pulled the hem of your dress down. And this time, you left. Not a word said. Nothing. 
Matthew followed you on instagram that night. You didn’t accept the request for a week, and when you did, you didn’t follow him back. He tried to add you on snapchat, but you declined it. You continued to sit far away from him in class, giving him no access. He brought you a drink at a party once and you asked for water instead. When he returned with the water, you had already left. 
He had met his match. You dominated him, successfully, fearlessly, and without even trying. He wanted more. But you liked to watch him so squirm, so you didn’t give in. 
Christmas break rolled around, and instead of focusing on the actual holiday, you and your friends planned your first spring break vacation. A group of you would head to South Beach for the week, and stay at a relative’s beach house. 
You sat on your bed, trying to map out the cost of the trip. “So it’s me, you, the four of them...Claire, are you listening to me?”
“Is this a good Christmas gift for Matthew?” 
You turned your head to her quickly, “Huh?” 
“This,” she held up the book - The Magic Encyclopedia. “You think Matthew will like it?”
“Claire,” you sighed. “What are you doing?” 
“What do you mean?”
“What are you doing simping over this boy? Buying him gifts? This isn’t you, Claire.”
“Leave me alone, [y/n], okay? We’re just friends. And he told me he bought me a gift so I got him one. Jeez, do you have to hate him so much?” She pouted, dropping the book into a gift bag. 
“Um, actually, yeah I do,” you nodded. “He’s a dick.”
A knock rang at the door, and as Claire hopped up, she pointed her finger at you, “That’s him. Do not pick a fight.”
You rolled your eyes and went back to planning. Matthew stepped into the room, carrying a bag in one hand. He used his other hand to cup Claire’s face and give her a small kiss on the cheek. “Santa Claus is here!” He exclaimed. 
“Gimme, gimme, gimme!” Claire pleaded, reaching for the gift bag. 
“Wow, Claire, I’m hurt. You’re so materialistic.” He chuckled. 
“Oh, please, Gube,” she scoffed. “Give me my gift.”
“Okay,” he reached into the bag and pulled out a small box, wrapped into festive paper. “I got this for you, Claire,” he handed her the box. “And I even got something for your roommate here.”
You picked your head up, face ridden with confusion. Matthew licked his lips as he held the gift out to you, “I saw it and I couldn’t help myself. Merry Christmas, short stack.” 
“Aw, Gube!” Claire squealed. Matthew let her tuck herself under his arm and hug him. “You’re so sweet.”
You stared at the tiny box in your hands, feeling it’s weight. “Thanks...” you whispered.
“Here, open what I got you,” Claired ordered Matthew, stepping over to her bed and grabbing the gift bag. She handed it to him with a wide smile, and giggled as he reached inside. 
“Wow!” He cheered, holding the book in his hand. “Holy shit, Claire. This is incredible, thank you!”
“I knew how much you wanted that book so I remembered to get it,” she said. “So, I hope your gift for me is as impressive.”
“It is.”
As the two of them spoke, you opened up your own gift, quietly, hiding it behind your pillow. Claire unwrapped Matthew’s gift, and squealed. “Shut up! Where did you find this film?”
“Amazon!” he replied. “That fancy camera of yours only takes a certain type of film so I wanted you to be stocked.”
You pulled the item out of the box, focused on figuring out what it was. It was cold, metallic, and shone under the light as it was revealed. 
“Oh, Gube!” Claire pulled him into a hug. “This is incredible!”
It was an antique. A silver polished miniature  ballerina, perched on a pedestal. There was a knob on the side, and when turned, the ballerina twirled. It was precious. 
You looked over at Matthew and Claire, watching as they broke out of their hug and looked at each other. “I expect a bunch of pictures when I get back,” he told her, backing out of the room. 
“And I expect a professional magician,” she winked. Yuck. Claire turned her head to you after Matthew left, grinning, “What’d he get you?” 
You quickly pushed the ballerina back in the box, shaking your head. “Socks. Mismatched socks. Very funny.” You replied. 
She giggled, “But hey, a gift! That’s growth!”
“Yeah, whatever,” you grumbled. 
“Matthew’s great,” She said. “You’ll get to know him better soon, since he’s coming to the beach with us.”
“He’s what?”
[PART 3.]
677 notes · View notes
keytomythoughts · 3 years
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Perfection Imperfections | Chapter 1
Tumblr media
Chapter Index 
»»—————————————- 
Finally, summer break. It’s been a while since I was able to go home. Having to attend high school rather far from my home in Seoul, I never thought that I’d adjust to the new environment. Fortunately, I wasn’t entirely alone, since I stayed with my aunt for the four years of my high school life. School wasn’t so bad, but the homesickness is what killed it for me. Even though it was my parents' idea to send me a rather vast distance—me not being too excited about it, but I knew I wouldn’t get my way in the end—there was some good that came from it. The two only good things, actually. 
I glance outside the train window, the buildings of Busan zooming past me. Sure, it may not be my home, but I won’t lie. I’m really going to miss this place. My phone suddenly vibrates in my lap, glancing down to see a text from my group chat, smiling as I respond.
(Binnie)
R u still on the train?
                                                               Yeah have been for the past like 30 mins
(Eunuwu) 
Going back to ur parents? Or r u moving out?
                                                                                                                      Funny
                                                                        Yk I can’t move out, at least not on                                                                            my own. My parents won’t allow it
(Binnie)
:/
What about Jaehyun?
                                                                            Idk, they rlly dc what he does tbh
                                                                       They’re just hell-bent on me getting                                                                                    into the top schools and shit
(Eunuwu)
Damn, rough
                                                                                                                        Mhm
(Binnie)
Try talking to them, u never know
They might change their minds?
                                                                 Nah, I already know how it’s gonna end
                                                                         Me crying and stuffing myself with                                                                           pints of ice cream
(Eunuwu)
Doesn't sound so bad
(Binnie)
¬_¬
(Eunuwu)
Except for the crying part ofc
But c’mon it cant really be THAT bad
I’ve been over plenty of times, they seem nice
(Binnie)
U’ve been to her house??
                                                                         Yeah him and oppa are friends too
(Binnie)
Righttt forgot lol
                                                                  And that’s bc you were there dumbass                                                                    and half of the time ur either in oppa’s                                                                    room or out somewhere
                                                                  Interaction with my parents = minimal
(Binnie)
That sounds awful ngl :( sorry Hyuna
But hey we should all hang soon!
(Eunuwu)
I’ll be in Seoul for the summer too so y not?
                                                                                                           I miss y’all :’(
                                                                   Ok I should be there around like 5 ish                                                                     so I’ll text then
(Binnie)
Aww I miss u toooo 
(Eunuwu)
*puke*
                                                                                           Shut up, ur just jealous
(Eunuwu)
Me? Jealous?? Of what, ur face?
Yea no thx, Ive got a great face already
And personality 0:)
                                                                               Gr8, explains why ur still single
(Binnie)
LOLL
She got u there bro
(Eunuwu)
Shut up
Ur talking as if u’ve got a gf
Idiot
(Binnie)
At least I didnt reject them as coldly as u did lol 
                                                                                             See? My point exactly
                                                                               Your fAcE scared off every girl                                                                                   in sight bc of tht pErSoNaLiTy
                                                                           I almost feel bad for them, u little                                                                             heart breaker
(Binnie)
He made a couple of em cry I heard
                                                                                                                     Rlly?!?
                                                                                                                         YAH
                                                                                                               U MORON
(Eunuwu)
Bin wtf
(Binnie)
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
                                                                                    U JERK HOW COULD U??
                                                                                              Those poor girls omg
                                                                               Im so kicking ur ass when I c u
(Binnie)
Me 2
(Eunuwu)
Wtf?? Y???
(Binnie)
No reason lol, just feel like it
                                                                                         And this is why ily Binnie
(Binnie)
:D <3
(Eunuwu)
GROSS
                                                                                                        Can it u demon
                                                                                                         Read 4:02 PM
I snort, turning off my phone and placing it back down on my lap as I go back to staring outside my left-hand window again. Meet Cha Eunwoo and Moon Bin, my two best friends. The only reason I got through high school how I did without major setbacks. Sure, there was the occasional homesickness and all, but had I not met these two, I probably wouldn’t have even attended and graduated. 
Being so far away from the place I grew up never really suited me, and they saw it right away from day one how lonely and upset I looked. I didn't seem to fit in, especially since I skipped a grade and was placed in classes that were very advanced for me. Not that I minded the vigor, but it was hard for me to socialize, let alone make friends. 
That’s when I met them. Freshman year in homeroom before my first literature class. Moon Bin, a boy with parted, coppery-golden hair accompanied by his shy, puppy-eye smile and sweet nature, offered me an empty seat next to him in class, even going as far as to share his textbook and asking how I found the school. No doubt, I was embarrassed and immensely shy, stuttering over my words and failing to meet his soft gaze. However, he didn’t make fun of me nor find me odd. All he did was smile, laughing lightly at my slightly flustered state. He stuck his hand out, introducing himself (most people just call him Moonbin or Bin) with that smile of his, thus the start of our new friendship. Since then, he became someone who always knew how to cheer me up when I was feeling down. No moment was ever dull with him by my side. 
Eunwoo, the tall, brooding black-haired and charismatic student almost everyone knew (and crushed on) of, was usually with Moonbin when we hung out together, but he normally kept to himself. Though quiet and sometimes reserved with his intimidating looks, it didn’t take long for him to break the ice with us, the three of us becoming close friends. Promising to stay like this until we went to college and beyond. Regardless if we all diverge and tread different paths, we would always converge and come back to one another. 
Four years flew by and graduation was upon us. Just like that, the two became like family to me, my ride-or-die duo. The two who were able to turn my world upside down, finding solace in a time where I thought it was nearly impossible for me to.  
My thoughts are interrupted by my “Move” ringtone—yes, I’m a huge Lee Taemin fan—looking down at my phone again to see it’s my brother calling. I sigh, picking up the call.
“What?” 
He gasps dramatically. “Is that any way to address your loving older brother after being away for so long?”
I snort, shaking my head. “Loving my ass, oppa. How are mom and dad?”
“They’re fine, living. Didn’t you tell them you’re coming home?”
“Nope, I don’t even text them that often. You already know this..”
He sighs. “Yeah, I figured.” 
There’s a slight pause on his end, but he continues. “You took the three-thirty train, right? So you’ll be here around five or so?”
“Yeah, give or take.” 
I look out the window again to see the endless stretch of greenery and flowing springs, sometimes even children playing in the fields. I grin mischievously, deciding to poke fun at my brother when he doesn’t respond right away. 
“What, you miss me?”
He makes a sound similar to throwing up. “As if. I got so used to the peace and quiet. I’m not ready for it to go away.” 
“Yah!” I realize that I had yelled a bit too loudly and eyes were now trained on me, and I bow my head in apology. I lower my voice, “You’re such an asshole.”
“Oh, I know, but you still love me anyway.”
“Shut up.”
I can hear his laugh resonate through the phone and a smile unknowingly tugs at my lips. I wouldn’t say it out loud, but it’s true. When I lived with my aunt in Busan for the duration of high school, I missed Jaehyun a lot. Though two years older than me, he didn’t seem to alienate me the way my parents do. While I hate the notion that they spoil Jaehyun endlessly and let him do as he wishes, I won’t lie and say that he was a prick about it. He could’ve been, but he never came off as selfish. I’m really close with my brother, shocking as it may be. Sibling relationships are like that—one minute you want to strangle them with their intestines and the next you’re singing duets together. Crazy, but that’s how it is for us. My parents don’t really pay me any attention, so Jaehyun decides to do that instead. Not complaining though. I’d rather take his pranking and teasing over my parents’ demands and reprimands any day.
“Aight, I’m heading out for a bit. Text me when you arrive.”
I smile again. “Will do, but make sure to get me food!”
“Let me think…” He hums, and I can practically sense the smirk on his end. “Nope. Get your own.”
“Oppa!”
Jaehyun laughs. “See you in a bit, Hyuna. Get here safely. Bye!”   
He hangs up the call before I get a chance to retort, and I scoff. Typical of my brother. He knows how much I enjoy street food, and every time he goes out, it’s almost certain that most of the time he stops somewhere to eat. Did he ever bring food back? Sure, but by the time I’d get to it, most of it was gone anyways. That only lasted a little while before I had gone upstate anyways, so he had more food for himself, I guess.
As the train barrels down the tracks, I feel my heart racing in excitement, but there’s also a slight ounce of dread. I really don’t know why. I want to believe it’s because I’ve been away for too long, but part of me knows it’s the fact that I’ll have to face my parents again. Knowing that I only have two months to decide where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do, I know the bitter truth is that those decisions won’t be left up to me. Last time, I was sent to Busan.
God knows where I’d be sent to now.
***
“Final destination of the KTX Busan-Seoul train at Seoul Station is approaching and will arrive at 05:30 PM. The doors to alight are on the right hand side. All passengers are requested to dismount the train upon arrival. Thank you.” 
That’s my stop.
Gathering my bag and hand luggage, I patiently wait for the train to pull up at the station. Seeing the familiar shops and buildings around me makes my legs bounce up and down in both excitement and anticipation. 
Four long years away from Seoul...
Before getting off, I quickly text the group chat and then my brother, letting them all know that I’ve reached safely. Side-stepping the other passengers exiting the subway doors, I carefully land onto the platform with my luggage in tow. I breathe in the air around as I stretch my arms up into the sky, the grin widening on my face.
It sure as hell feels good to be back home.
I try my best to maneuver through the crowds, but it doesn’t stop the rush of people knocking into me. At times like these, I curse my genetics for favoring my older brother instead of me in terms of height. Eventually, I come to a clearing and when my eyes glance upwards, I spot a rather familiar dark brown-haired six-foot-tall male amongst the small crowd waving me over.
“Hyuna, over here!”
I gasp, my eyes widening. “Oppa!”
He smiles as I begin walking towards him, my feet hurriedly moving across the concrete. The distance between us shortens and I abandon my luggage as he opens his arms wide. 
Only for me to sucker punch him in the stomach.
He yelps in pain, grimacing as he holds his abdomen. “Shit, that hurt. What has Aunt Sua been feeding you up there? Rocks?”
I smack his shoulder, my blood slightly boiling in anger. “Yah, why didn’t you tell me you were coming?! Do you know how much money I blew off for the bus fare?”
He straightens his back before going to rub his shoulder, then behind his neck.
“Fine, fine. My bad. I wanted to surprise you, but I guess that didn’t work, did it?” 
I cross my arms over my chest, huffing in annoyance. He sighs, nodding.
“Okay, okay, I’ll compensate you. Dinner’s on me.”
At this I grin, blinking excitedly. I grab onto his arm and shake it vigorously. “Really? You mean it? You’re the best, oppa!” 
“Look at this brat..” he taunts, shaking his head. In a flash, he headlocks me and rubs the top of my head harshly with his knuckles, upsetting the neatly-tied auburn ponytail. 
“Yah! Quit it!” I smack his arms and flail in protest, but he chuckles, saying this is what I get for cunningly finding a way to exploit him the minute I stepped back into Seoul. 
What can I say? It’s a talent. 
He lets go eventually, and I try to smooth down my already-tangled hair. I grumble incoherently but Jaehyun pulls me into his embrace, wrapping his arms around me. His free hand gently pats the side of my head in comfort.
“Welcome home, sis.”
I stand there stiff for a second before hugging back. He squeezes me tighter and I find myself smiling into his shoulder. 
“Good to be back,” I whisper. 
We stand like that for a moment before he pats my back a couple of times, us pulling away from each other soon after. He reaches behind me to grab my hand luggage as he shoulders my bag. I tell him that I can carry them just fine, but he starts walking away from the platform to the parking lot. I call out after him as I run to catch up, and I can see the corners of his mouth twitch. Jaehyun leads me to his car, a sleek matte-silver convertible Mustang. My mouth drops open in shock at its stunning beauty, my body forcing itself to remain composed for the sake of avoiding public self-embarrassment. 
He throws my luggage in the back seat before he turns to me, smirking at my expression. “You like it?”
“Shit, do I like it? I love it!” I run my fingers over its metallic surface, the silver exterior gleaming in the evening glow. Grinning, I stare up at my brother who catches my gaze as I stand next to the driver’s seat, my fingers already curled on the handle.
“Can I—”
“No.”
“Please—”
“Nope.”
I pout as I pull my hand away and step to the side. Jaehyun chuckles, rubbing my head playfully before getting into the driver’s seat and starting the car. The engine purrs to life as my brother pulls out his shades and wears them. He looks at me and cocks his head to the passenger seat. 
“Don’t just stand there. Get in.”
Smiling, I quickly make my way over to the other side and slip into the passenger seat. I barely have time to buckle in before Jaehyun speeds off. I scream in fright, but he laughs heartily, telling me to let loose.
With the wind harshly whipping around us, I close my eyes and tilt my head upwards, absorbing the remnants of my childhood in a place I’ll always call home. A place where my heart always feels at ease.
My name is Jung Hyuna. I’m eighteen years old, and this is my story.
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 |  
16 notes · View notes
king-finnigan · 3 years
Text
Tips for Studying During a Pandemic but I’m Depressed
I’ve been seeing a few ‘Studying During a Pandemic’ posts, and while I appreciate the advice they give, it’s usually just not doable for me, so I figured, hey, why not make my own list of half-measures for people with depression, like me? So here’s my list of little things that have made it all a little less terrible the past few months.
(Feel free to add your own. I’m just one person, and things that worked for me might not work for you.)
(Also, some of these aren’t even about studying directly, but they do benefit it inderectly.)(Also also, this post was getting a bit long, so more under the cut.)
Go to the toilet: This might seem obvious, but I know for a fact that I tend to just... ignore my urge to pee when I’m having a particularly bad day, but really, just go. It’ll make you feel a lot better. And if you tend to just not feel it, make sure to check in with your body every once in a while.
Get out of bed before noon: I’ve seen a few lists that urge you to maintain a 9-5 workday, but, hell, even on a good day I only manage to drag myself out of bed at 9. Just get out before noon, you’ll feel a lot more accomplished if you get out at 11:45 than if you get out at 12:15. 
Change your underwear, and, if you can, the rest of your clothes: Even if it’s just changing from your Casual Sweats to your A Little Less Casual Sweats, it’ll feel a lot better. And if you wear socks, change those, too. It’ll make you feel a lot cleaner, and it’ll reset your mind, making it easier to transition from Bed Time to Not In Bed Time.
Set a soft start: Pick an hour at which you aim to start studying, and pick it so that it’s about an hour or so after the point at which you start feeling productive. That sounds complicated, but, for example, I usually start feeling productive between 11 or 12. My soft start is set at 1. On good days, when I do start working at 11 or 12, I will feel accomplished for starting before my soft start point, on bad days, I will aim to start at 1, but if I can’t, I won’t beat myself up over it. It is, after all, a soft start. It’s just an anchor to keep you from floating around the day, no strings attached. Your soft start can be set at 3, 4, even 5, it doesn’t matter, it’s just here to give you some sense of structure.
Set a hard stop: Pick an hour at which you will stop studying, and set it around the time you usually stop feeling productive altogether. Mine is at 6. When you reach your hard stop, just drop everything and go relax. Unless, of course, you’re feeling productive still, in which case, you have to move your hard stop, because you should set it at the point where you’re no longer feeling productive so that you don’t try to push yourself past your abilities or limits. If it’s time to stop, it’s time to stop. 
You do not need to study from your soft start to your hard stop: I know I don’t. They’re just anchor points, to give some structure to your day. I know for a fact that I have trouble to separate Study Time from Not Study Time, that’s what these points are for, especially the hard stop. Do not set the goals to push yourself past your limits, these goals are supposed to adapt to you, not the other way around. Unless it’s what you really want, and you feel confident you won’t harm your mental health in order to reach them, in which case, knock yourself out (but safely).
Every hour, check in with your body: Does your head hurt? Do you need to pee? Are you hungry? If there’s anything wrong, take care of that first. Your health - both mental and physical - is your nr. 1 priority, not studying. If you feel like you need to take a break, then take one, if you don’t, then don’t. 
Eat something: Anything. Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t have to be healthy, if you can’t bring yourself to do that. Just eat something. If you can bring yourself to eat fruit and veggies, good for you, but I can’t on my worst days, and if you can’t either, you shouldn’t beat yourself up over it. 
Okay, but maybe one or two apples a week would be good: Just any piece of fruit, really. Once or twice a week. If you eat fruit more often than that, hey, good for you, I’m proud of you, buddy. If you can’t, just once or twice a week is great and I’m still very proud of you.
Drink something: Again, anything. If it’s soda? Not the greatest, but hell, it’s better than nothing. Tea or coffee is good, too. Fruit juice helps you get some vitamins if you can’t eat the fruit. And if you drink water? That’s fucking amazing, good for you. I know I can’t. (Yet)
Open a window: Oxygen is good for your brain. I don’t really give a fuck about that when I open my window, though - what I give a fuck about is that it makes me feel hella productive. 
Just do whatever makes you feel productive: That feeling already does a lot more for you than things that are productive but don’t make you feel as such. And, in my experience, if I feel productive, I will be more likely to actually also do productive shit.
Pick your battles: If you feel like you can’t handle all of the shit that’s being thrown at you (I know I can’t), then don’t. Pick one or two things that you’re sure you can handle when you focus on them, and focus on them. If you’ve got assignments for other classes you can’t miss, then do the bare minimum to pass them. (Please do note that I have a chance to redo any exams I’m skipping in the summer. Take this advice with a grain of salt if you can’t.)
Find a way to reward yourself: If it’s with food or episodes of your favourite show, it doesn’t matter. Find a way to proportionally reward yourself - so when you’ve done a lot, you get a lot of the reward, if not, just a little. I reward myself by making paper stars. I just enjoy making them and I can put them in a little jar and admire how much work I’ve done in total over the past few weeks. 
Only reward yourself after your hard stop: I know if I don’t do that, I’ll get too caught up in the reward to be productive. Also it just feels nicer to get a lot of it all at once at the end of the day.
Don’t beat yourself up at the end of the day: The hard stop is also a reset for your mentality. It’s the end of the day, what is done is done, there’s nothing you can do about it. We all have our good days and we all have our bad days. Don’t beat yourself up over the bad ones, give yourself a pat on your shoulder for the good ones. Which days are bad and which ones are good is not in your control, no matter how much you feel like it is. All there’s left to do is recharge so that you can try again tomorrow.
Relax. Actually relax: Whether you’re just going to bed again, or watching your favourite show, or playing a video game, it doesn’t matter. Just forget about school work. Fuck that shit. It’s You Time now, no matter how much you feel like you don’t deserve it - and for that matter, fuck that little voice inside your head telling you you’re not worthy, too. You are.
It could be worse: This sounds wrong, but hear me out. If you are beating yourself up over the things you couldn’t do today, then list the things you did do. For example: “Sure, I didn’t study, but I got out of bed, I ate an apple, and I checked my mails! It could be worse!” If you can’t find anything, then remind yourself that you tried, so, again, it could be worse.
You tried: That also sounds really condescending, but listen. Whenever you feel like you haven’t done enough or you failed, take a moment to tell yourself that you tried. There’s a lot of things dragging you down right now: the pandemic, the absolute fucking state of the world, your depression, what-fucking-ever. Things aren’t easy, and yet, you still tried. Hell, if you’ve even read my bs up to this point, it means you’re trying. And I know your mind is telling you it’s not good enough, but it is, because the best thing we can do is try. You tried, and that’s worth a hell of a lot more than your mind is trying to convince you it is.
Also check your mails.
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cinnamoonsworld · 4 years
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Two Worlds Collide - Chapter 2 [Aizawa x fem!reader]
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Hello everyone! I thank everyone who read the first chapter and enjoyed it! In two weeks I will go on vacation, and for a month I will not publish anything except an oneshot on Fatgum! Enjoy the chapter, see you next week with the third! I thank my boyfriend for the translation <3 Previous chapter: ch 1  You can also find me on Ao3! Warnings: none Word count: 1.433  ——————————————————————————
Chapter 2 The fresh air of September made the first day of school after summer break more enjoyable. Especially for the 1A of the UA. This comeback was really waited. 
During the summer they moved to the school dorms, and they were enthusiastic to live all together. Coming back after everything happened during those week for them meant to come back to normal.Aizawa, like his coworkers, would have informed that they were going to be paired with an assistant during their studies. They all rushed in with tons of questions, as to be expected, but they were immediately shut down by the activiation of their teacher's quirk. They were obviously happy for this news. Aizawa instead, was only hoping that this person would not have get in his way and he could have slept peacefully. He was not asking for anything else.
The hallways of the schools flood themselves immediately with the enthusastic chatting of the students, and the question everybody was asking was one and only: "Who is going to be our teacher's assistant?" When the 1A was all present in the classroom, they start making theories. "You think it will be a Women or a Man?" asked Uraraka while adjusting her bag near the desk. "I don't know" answered Midoriya while checking his Heroes notebook. "Surely it will be on my notebooks!". "It must be on your books already, Midoriya!" bolted in Iida waving his hand. "If it would not be a Pro Hero, I think the school would have not even considered that person!" "Actually it was not a school choice." Blatantly said Todoroki. "My father told me they were chosen by the Commision of Heroes' Security, the U.A. could not doing anything but accept it blindly." "That's terrible!" shouted together Uraraka and Midoriya. "Who the hell cares!" screamed Bakugou with his hands in his pocket and the feet on his desk. "The important thing is that we don't get them in our way." While Iida is scolding the blonde guy for his way of sitting at the desk, Aizawa came into the room. Everyone took his seat in the classroom and gave the teacher the Good Morning.
"So, guys, let's get straight to the elephant in the room: As I already told you I will be paired with an assistant like the other teachers of the school. I have not meet him or her already, so please be gentle and don't scare him away." Bakugou grumbled hearing the last sentence.
Eraserhead did not even had the time to say something else that someone knocked at the door. Nezu came in smiling, followed by a young lady. "Good morning guys, good morning Eraserhead." gently sayd the Headmaster. "I present you your new assistant and class counselor, miss (Y/N) (Y/S/N)." Everyone was not able to not stare at that girl behind the Head. She had almost a scared look and a little blush on her face, easibly notable on her (Y/S/C) skin. 
"No way! I can't believe it!" said in pure emotions Jirou, "You are Violet Fury! That's not possible!" “Jirou!" shouted the raven teacher to shut her down. "Sorry teacher." mourmored the student. "It's just that she is one of my favourite singer and i was not able to hold myself back." "A singer?" ask himself Aizawa raising an eyebrow. The students started to recognise her after Jirou's revelation, and everyone started to talk loudly. "Excuse me Mr. Nezu, can we talk for a moment?" asked Aizawa to the Headmaster while going out of the classroom.
"What is it supposed to mean she is a singer?!" Asked the Hero clearly irritated. "Miss (Y/S/N) is one of the singer with most spotlight on her right now in Japan and she will help you during your lessons." Calmly answered the animal while giving Aizawa a warm smile. "The commission think of us as a Talent Show?!" grunted Aizawa looking even more irritated than before. "This is only a mockery! This is a school, not a TV show." "Aizawa, I know you don't like this." whispered Nezu trying to calm him down. "The commission ensured me that all the assistant they sent are perfectly qualified. It would not have been a smart move for them to send us some good for nothings." "That's better be real for them." grunted the teacher between his teeth. "My class has already enough spotlight on it, it was necessary that girl to give more reasons to talk about them?" "I can still call the Commission and tell them for a change, we can say that miss (Y/S/N) is not the right person for this class and..." "No." stopped him aizawa sighing. "I first want to see how she works, then i'll tell you if she fits this role." "Ok!" happily shouted Nezu. "It may help you to know that she, as well as the other assistants, are not able to said anything about their job here at U.A. for security reasons, as a deal with the Commission. So i don't think she will give more lights on your kids." The two greeted each other, and Aizawa came back in the classroom.(Y/N) was standing near the teacher desk, observing all the students while their where compulsevely talking. A famous singer as a part of their class? It could have not been real. The attention and the silence was summoned immediatly after the Teacher activated his Quirk.
"All of you give a warm welcome to miss (Y/S/N)." said Aizawa while unpacking his sleeping bag.
"Hi everybody!" you said waving your hand while giving them a big bright smile. All the class was almost dazed by your smile, it looked like a light shining in the room. "You may know me as Violet Fury, but you can simply call me (Y/S/N)." continued the girl bowing in front of them. "I'll be Eraserhead's assistant and your school counselor." Midoriya timidly raised his hand. "Excuse me, miss (Y/L/N), what does it mean that you will be our school counselor?" asked the boy a bit shy about it. "What's your name?" you asked with a mom tone. "Izuku Midoriya!" immediatly shouted the boy paralized by shyness. "You see, Midoriya, a school counselor is a person ready to give you advices and give you a little push when you need it. He can show you the way when you need to take big choices, or simply be your shoulder when you need to release yourselves because of something that blur your minds. I want to be clear on this, i won't answer about questions regarding my carreer or my music."
An enthusastic whispering set itself in the room, and Aizawa silenced them all by clearing his throat. "Miss (Y/S/N), my name is IIda Tenya and i am one of the class Rep." firmly said the boy while standing up and bowing before her. "I speak for the the rest of 1A class by saying that we are glad to be under your protection and professor Aizawa's. We could have not be in better hands!" "Thank you, Iida" you answered while smiling. "May I ask you in which way you will help Professor Aizawa?" Asked you the Class rep. "That's a question I would have pick" simply said Aizawa. "But since we are here, can you explain that to all the class?" "For sure! With your teacher I will have the job to assist you during classrooms and training sessions, in case something weird happens. It is the main task for the Commission of Heroes' Security to make the next generation of Heroes feel safe, and for me is a great honor to be the one who will assist you during this journey." "Excuse me miss (Y/L/N), may I ask what is your Quirk?" timidly asked Yaoyorouzu. "Telekinesis." You immediately answered with a great smile. You never talked a lot about your Quirk, even during the interviews you have done in the past. Everyone was looking at you in pure awe, waiting to see you in action.
"Ok ok, Violet Fury." Pouted Aizawa while yawning. "You have all the time you need to know the students. If they give you some troubles, I am here." The raven closed himself in the sleeping bag, laying down behind the desk, falling asleep almost immediately. You looked at him in shock, but you understand quickly that was something in the ordinary for them considering no one bat an eye on it. You could not wait to know those young gifts.
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kayliemusing · 3 years
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42: top 3s
1: Top 3 ice cream flavors - classic vanilla, birthday cake/birthday batter, bubblegum
2: Top 3 Disney Movies - Mulan, Onward, Soul (but this changes frequently lol)
3: Top 3 vacation destinations - I've never been outside of my home country so I'll say my top 3 DREAM destinations: NYC, Hawaii, a random countryside in either France or the UK
4: Top 3 places to shop - Dynamite, Sephora, Winners/Homesense
5: Top 3 subjects of study/classes to take - English/anything creative writing related, Interior Decorating/Design, Communications?
6: Top 3 make up products - YSL Touche Eclat Foundation, literally any Mac Lipstick but it has to be matte, & Fenty Beauty contour stick
7: Top 3 music artists - Taylor Swift - Of Monsters and Men - The Lumineers
8: Top 3 spices/herbs - Cinnamon - Nutmeg (literally tastes like autumn) - Paprika
9: Top 3 drinks - Diet Coke - Hot Chocolate - Vanilla Bean Frappe
10: Top 3 apps to use - Instagram - Pinterest -iBooks
11: Top 3 months of the year - May, October, December
12: Top 3 clothing items - My black/white turtle neck, high waisted jeans, plaid blazer
13: Top 3 binge perfect tv shows - Bones, Supernatural, Brooklyn Nine Nine
14: Top 3 romantic dates - (I've never been on a date but if I had, it would be this) Evening walk, late night drive, late night coffee date (tbh anything at night feels romantic)
15: Top 3 kinds of flower - Water lilies, cherry blossoms, roses
16: Top 3 christmas movies - A Christmas Carol (2009), Home Alone, The Polar Express
17: Top 3 OTPs - Nesta and Cassian from ACOTAR series by SJM, Manon and Dorian from Throne of Glass series by SJM, Casteel and Poppy from From Blood and Ash series by JLM.
18: Top 3 quotes to describe your life - "I write not to find, but to leave" by Scherezade Siobhan - "I want to be myself again. I want to be six. I want to stop knowing everything I know" by Catherynne M. Valente - "The truth is, I pretend to be a cynic, but I am really a dreamer who is terrified of wanting something she may never get" by Joanna Hoffman.
19: Top 3 characteristics you love about yourself - my kindness bc it's not surface level kindness, but actually something deeply rooted within me - my resilience even tho sometimes it doesn't feel like resilience - my loyalty bc it is a hard as steel kind of loyalty
20: Top 3 kinds of candy - Maltesers, Kit kats, smarties
21: Top 3 ways to exercise/ be active - Walking, dancing, mowing the lawn/shoveling the sidewalk
22: Top 3 spirit animals - wolf, hummingbird, tiger (i googled it bc i didn't know and i was scared it was a joke but)
23: Top 3 petnames - I like 'lovebug', 'love', 'sweetheart'
24: Top 3 books read outside of school - The Hating Game by Sally Thorne, A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J Maas but viewers discretion is advised, Crush by Richard Siken
25: Top 3 most used websites - Youtube, Tumblr, Pinterest
26: Top 3 people you last texted - my mom, my bestie megan, and my sister bc they're the only people i text...
27: Top 3 hashtags you use - the only time i use hashtags is if i'm trying to promote some of my writing so I'll usually use writingcommunity, writersonig, poetryonig lol
28: Top 3 instagram accounts you follow - Trista Mateer, Griefmother, obviously taylor swift
29: Top 3 guilty pleasures - buzzfeed quizzes, early 2000s music, romance novels
30: Top 3 summer activities - Going to the zoo, long evening walks, campfires and s'mores
31: Top 3 things to draw/doodle - hearts, flowers, random swirls bc it's the only thing i can doodle...
32: Top 3 aesthetics - cityscape aesthetic, autumn aesthetic, rustic aesthetic
33: Top 3 things you'd buy if you gained three million dollars - a new car, a condo, another cat
34: Top 3 ways to treat yourself - facial, a large bag of maltesers, buying the makeup i really want but have been putting off
35: Top 3 celebrity crushes - Evan Peters, Matthew Daddario, henry cavill
36: Top 3 books from your childhood - Love You Forever by Robert Munsch, The Big Friendly Giant by Roald Dahl, and Madeline by Ludwig Bemelmens
37: Top 3 accents to hear - Australian, super poshy british accent, new zealand accent
38: Top 3 scents - Fresh rain, vanilla, sweet cinnamon pumpkin from bath and body works
39: Top 3 "Friends" quotes - "WE WERE ON A BREAK" -Ross, "Guess things were just going too well for me" -also ross, and "it's so exhausting waiting for death" - phoebe
40: Top 3 cupcake flavors - tbh I haven't tried that many cupcakes so your typical vanilla, chocolate, and Pink Lady Cupcake from Babycakes Cupcakery
41: Top 3 fruits - Pomegranates, Strawberries, Raspberries
42: Top 3 places you've had amazing pizza from - Pizzahut, Dominos, Pizza73
43: Top 3 sports teams to watch - i don't
44: Top 3 crayola colors - uh, i guess red, purple, and pink??
45: Top 3 things you hope to accomplish in college - Certificates/Degrees in Copyediting and Creative Writing, and I think simply just deeper critical thinking skills when it comes to writing and books
46: Top 3 fanfictions you've read - I read more books than fanfics, I've read a couple on tumblr but don't remember the names sorry :/
47: Top 3 people you miss right now - my dad, my best friend bc she's in vancouver, taylor swift bc she's not on tumblr anymore rip
48: Top 3 fears - Failure, Loss, not achieving anything in life/not reaching my full potential
49: Top 3 favorite literary devices - Foreshadowing is always god tier, cliffhangers although evil i love those too, symbolism
50: Top 3 pet peeves - People dragging their shoes on the floor when they walk, when you tell someone your fav hobby/music artist/interest and they immediately go 'oh I hate X!', and people who go 'you're so quiet!!!' but in a way that draws in more attention and/or makes me feel more uncomfortable like i would literally rather die
51: Top 3 physical things you find attractive - Hands, nice hair, defined jawlines
52: Top 3 bad habits - Nailbiting, picking at my blemishes oops, lip biting
53: Top 3 pets you've had/wish to have - Cats bc they complete me, I've always wanted a Samoyed, and I've always wanted a turtle
54: Top 3 types of foreign food - Chicken Chow Mein, deep fried shrimp, japanese chicken wings
55: Top 3 things you want to say to someone in your lifetime - 'I quit', 'I love you', 'you changed my life'
56: Top 3 dog breeds - Samoyed, german shepherds, collies
57: Top 3 cheesy romance movies - You've Got Mail, How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days, 10 Things I Hate About You
58: Top 3 languages you speak/wish to speak - French, Sign, and maybe Japanese?
59: Top 3 series (book, movie, television) - The Cruel Prince series by Holly Black, A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J Maas (but literally only for Cassian and Nesta), From Blood and Ash by Jennifer L Armentrout
60: Top 3 pizza toppings - Mushrooms, alfredo sauce, pineapple
61: Top 3 youtubers you're subscribed to - Game Grumps, Charlotte Dobre, Megan Batoon
62: Top 3 tattoo / piercing ideas - I want to get a tattoo on my wrist of the last thing my dad ever wrote me, a hummingbird tattoo right next to it, and then a cross on my index finger
63: Top 3 awards you want to win - National Book Awards, Nobel Prize, and maybe even Goodreads Choice Awards lol
64: Top 3 emojis - Laugh/Crying emoji, the please sir emoji that kinda gives off those puss n boots eyes, and the stars emoji
65: Top 3 cars you dream of owning - 1970s Chev Impala, tbh a cute little Hyundai Venue, and maaaaybe the 1964 ferarri 250 gt luso (idk if that name was totally right but i had to do tons of googling to find it. i don't know a lot about cars and i don't really have a top 3 lol)
66: Top 3 authors - Right now I'm really into Sarah J Maas, Sally Thorne, and Holly Black maybe?
67: Top 3 historical figures - Jesus, Anne Frank, Vincent Van Gogh
68: Top 3 baby names - Ryder, Leila, Gracie
69: Top 3 DIYs - Candles, refurnishing old furniture (i.e. my mom and i painted our wooden garbage can), and really just any type of autumn diy
70: Top 3 smoothie combos/flavors - Strawberry/Banana, Mango, Strawberry-Mango
71: Top 3 songs of this month - Happier Than Ever by Billie Eilish, Biblical by Calum Scott, and Visiting Hours by Ed Sheeran
72: Top 3 questions of this post you want to be asked - I did them all bc I made it a survey instead of an ask meme ;)
73: Top 3 villains - Regina/The Evil Queen from Once Upon a Time, Cruella De Vil, and Moriarty from Sherlock
74: Top 3 Cities you want to see - Montreal, NYC, Vancouver (honorable mention: LA)
75: Top 3 recipes you want to try - different kind of salad and/or burger bowls, Stuffed bell peppers, and homemade lemon loaf
76: Top 3 dream jobs - Bestselling author, the person who runs a companies social media accounts, youtuber/blogger
77: Top 3 lucky items - tbh don't have one
78: Top 3 traditions you have - Christmas Eve Service and if I don't go to that at least incorporating reading the christmas story on christmas day or eve, idk if this counts as tradition but going to the corn maze every fall, and whenever it's easter/christmas/thanksgiving we always have a big meal w/ family
79: Top 3 things you miss about being a kid - reckless abandon, dreaming about growing up with hopefulness and no dashed hopes, experiencing holidays like halloween and christmas as a kid
80: Top 3 harry potter characters - I've never read or watched Harry Potter rip (ok well i saw the first and second (and maybe third?) movie in the sixth grade I think) but I think I really liked Hermoine, Harry obviously and Dobby
81: Top 3 lies you were told - i don't have 3, but this one has a story but basically when my sister and i were in elementary school my sister got hit by a car and so the insurance thing was that she would recieve 10k when she was 18 and as a child i thought that was unfair so my dad told me that my sister had to split it with me when we were 18 lmao obviously that didn't happen (i think i realized that wasn't true in middle school)
82: Top 3 pictures in your camera roll right now - Pictures of my cat, one of my sister in a hilarious filter, and a picture of my rocking my TS merch
83: Top 3 turn ons - Kindness, defined jawline, easy going
84: Top 3 turn offs - arrogance, unkempt, super loud and obnoxious
85: Top 3 magazines/news papers/ journals to read - I don't read much of those so I'll tell you some sites I love for writing purpose's: there's Wellstoried, justwriterlythings, springhole.net (which is filled with generators if you're stuck and also tons of infomation and advice)
86: Top 3 things you wish you had known earlier - that toad in Mario Party was wearing a mushroom hat and that it is actually not his head, that immaculate means 'clean' before i misused that word like several times over the years, and that the one turn i always take on my way to work where i thought everyone didn't know how to drive was actually bc i didn't have the right of way rip me
87: Top 3 spongebob episodes - the one episode where spongebob and patrick find a ghost ship, that one episode where they form a bikini bottom band and perform it at a football game in a little fish tank, and the one episode where squidward has his first snowball fight
88: Top 3 places to be in the world - I'd love to be in NYC, Montreal, or Hawaii
89: Top 3 things you'd do differently - I would not have applied for RDC, similarly I should have just paid the 500 dollars to the one certificate program I wanted to do instead of overthinking it, and I wish I wouldn't have ended a friendship the way I did
90: Top 3 TV shows from your childhood - Spongebob Squarepants, That's So Raven, and Hannah Montana
91: Top 3 meals you love - Turkey Burgers, Chilli, and Instant Pot Chicken Tortilla Soup
92: Top 3 kinds of tea - i don't drink tea
93: Top 3 embarrassing moments - one time in sixth grade I tripped and fell right on my face in front of my crush, this other time like a couple years ago i opened the door to my car and only realized much too late while i was staring at this random family that it was not my car, and when i went to the gas station to get gas and couldn't get my gas lid on my car opened and this guy had to help me which was already embarrassing enough but then the gas pump wouldn't work so i had to go inside to pay just to realize i forgot my wallet and had to shamefully walk back to my car and then run back inside the convenience store and then pay and then walk back to my car and finally fill my tank.
94: Top 3 holidays to celebrate - Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving
95: Top 3 things to do in the rain - have an existential crisis, pretend you're in a music video, walk through puddles like you're six again
96: Top 3 things to do in the snow - Sledding, Build a snowman, shovel it even tho you don't want to
97: Top 3 items you can't leave the house w/o - phone, keys, wallet
98: Top 3 movies you'd like to see - Jurassic World 3, Hotel Transylvania: Transformania bc i'm a child, and the animation of the addams family
99: Top 3 art mediums - Writing fiction/poetry, painting, music
100: Top 3 museums you've been to - Royal Tyrell Museum, Canadian History one in edmonton lol, and heritage park in calgary
101: Top 3 school memories - Middle school dances when the popular kids would grind to the song "Low" which was always an interesting experience, in the twelfth grade at winter formal when we all shouted "SHUT UP AND DANCE!" at the same time when they played Shut Up and Dance, and the day i left
102: Top 3 things you don't/Won't miss - School, my sisters ex, 2016 bc she was a rough year yikes
103: Top 3 pick up lines - "My name is Will. God's Will.", "I'd like to take you to the movies but they don't like you bring your own snacks", "are you from tennessee bc you're the only 10 i see"
104: Top 3 sports to watch - none of them
105: Top 3 taylor swift songs - all too well - exile - coney island
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softluci · 4 years
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omg, hey, how r u, hi, so nice to see u; welcome to my 3AM (now 6AM bc miss hellsite deleted everything) ramblings (which i will try to make as close to the original as possible); this one’s gonna be a Doozy
now that ap testing is over and i have more time to care about literally everything else, i realize that i . i am So Bad at taking care of myself. like, so bad. and i actually realized this months ago but i didn't have this account months ago and i didn't think of this months ago so—
((i was debating whether or not to limit this to gen z but i know it isn't just us who do this; or maybe that’s wishful thinking and it Is just us, but idk, man,, i feel like millennials be doing this too))
sometimes, a lot of the time i just . don't eat . and i don't have a bad or difficult relationship to food or an eating disorder or anything like that, i just Don't Do It because i either legitimately forgot or i didn't feel hungry even if i hadn't eaten for a significant period of time (6-18hrs, we'll say, because i do lose track). like,, when quarantine started, i was in my room, door Locked, for 15 to 19 hours a day + i wouldn't leave unless i had to use the bathroom or shower. i only started eating and leaving my room more because my mom had to ask me to. oh, and this should be obvious, but i don't sit and eat dinner with my family either.
additionally, and this is Much More Frequent, i don't sleep. i know i don't sleep because i slept for nine hours today and woke up dazed and confused. when we had school, i would either sleep for 1-6 hours or just not at all. and then i'd go to school and not pack anything to eat :p. i actually think the longest i've gone without sleep is a full day. and i don’t have insomnia or anything like that, i just be Staying Up
so, with those things in mind, i've been wondering, like,, like how the boys would react to an m/c like that, you know?
like, okay, first of all,, there's No Way mammon is gonna let mc sit alone in their room all day. his emotional support human?? alone without him??? unacceptable. it just isn't happening. he would Literally break mc's door down if they tried to keep him out, unless they, for some reason, really, really, really needed to be alone, and even then it is a Tossup. and then not sleeping or eating? hello, what do you think this is? he would accommodate them for a little while by bringing them food and making sure they slept but after a while he would literally drag them out of their room because there is no way. there is No Way he’s letting them turn into levi. not on his watch 
an mc like this would give luci an ulcer. a literal ulcer. why are you a human and playing with the limits of your body?? who are you, do you think you’re made of metal? do you realize you have classes to attend and that you’re surrounded by demons literally All The Time? you cannot be caught lacking (i.e. feeling faint or fatigued because you haven’t eaten in seventeen hours or slept in a day). he would bring food to your room so he could make sure you ate, but when it came to sleeping? get ready to literally be dragged/carried out of your room and into his because he has work to do and he needs to keep an eye on you because Clearly you cannot be trusted to take care of yourself. he would probably go as far as to stop doing work and go to bed so you have nothing to hold against him. can’t sleep at a regular time because of your nonexistent sleep schedule? that’s okay because, beloved, He Is Putting You To Sleep. how he does so is up to you; and if you try to play like you’re Fine?? 
“mc, it’s seven pm, when was the last time you ate?” “five.” “am or pm?” “...” “well, when was the last time you slept?” “i haven’t.” “MC.” 
you haven’t slept in just over a day? baby, levi’s record is three. he would be absolutely terrible for an m/c like this; he would enable them So Hard. maybe he would bring them food (and that’s Snacks, not actual food), and Maybe he would tell them to go to sleep once or twice, but Other Than That? he can’t take care of himself for Shit either, sorry you had to hear it from me, leviastans <3
asmo,, you are worrying this man Sick. you haven’t eaten in fifteen hours? are you on a diet? no? you Forgot To Eat? how many hours of sleep have you gotten? one? you Think? oh, Maybe it was two? ah, yes, mc, because that is So Much Better. seriously, though, if you won’t eat, fine, but if there’s one thing you’re doing, it’s sleeping. you can’t sleep at a decent time because you have no concept of a sleeping schedule? sweetie. beloved. he is putting you to sleep, be it through relaxing self care or something else, darling, you are knocking out. and when you wake up, he’ll have a full course meal ready and he will literally feed it to you himself.
what’s that? you haven’t eaten since Yesterday and it’s three in the afternoon? oh,, you sweet summer child, beel is heartbroken. keep insisting that you aren’t hungry while you can barely stand and his eyes will fill with tears. you don’t wanna leave your room? fine, but that is the only thing keeping him from throwing you over his shoulder and going to the kitchen. he would literally bring you as much food as he could carry and only eat a little bit on the way back to your room. can’t sleep? not a problem, wait there while he gets belphie to charm your pillow. do Not worry, teddy bear beel always has your back MUAH
speaking of belphie,, tell that man you haven’t slept in a day and he’s stopping what he’s doing, dragging you to the nearest cushioned surface, and laying down with you; you’ll be out in No Time. and once you’re up?? he’s dragging you to the kitchen and you’re eating any and everything he puts in front of you, and he’s not leaving you alone until you’re functioning like a human and not a gremlin, or so help him, you’ll die a second time. 
you’re like, op,, y did u put satan last?? i couldn’t think of anything for him until now, i Swear i love him, okay, Anyway, you haven’t eaten in almost a day? do all humans do that? no?? why can you Barely Stand??? do you need to be carried to the kitchen? he is so confused as to why you just Haven’t Eaten when that is a basic function that humans need to complete or else they literally die; now wait in your room while he brings you something to eat. you can’t sleep?? do Not worry, that man will curl up with you and read to you until you’re Knocked Out, which won’t take long because he has a calming presence and a soothing voice, sweetheart, u r in good hands
ok it’s 7AM and i’m contemplating doing the undateables,, should i do the undateables? i’m gonna do the undateables. 
oh my god,, if luke finds out that you haven’t eaten in, eighteen hours and you haven’t slept in like twenty,, the way you’re gonna have to put in Work to convince him that you did those things of your own volition and the demons you live with aren’t starving or overworking you and No they aren’t forcing you to lie about anything. after you’ve done that, he is seeing to it that you eat something right away; it does not matter where you are, you are a human and you’re feeling Faint around literal demons, are you Dumb? are you Dumb of Ass?? come with him immediately before you hurt yourself or get hurt, he is feeding you and then you’re sleeping in his room and he’s Not taking no for an answer; don’t even think about telling him no, he’ll cry at you. 
you cannot tell me simeon is not the doting/fussing type, okay, and he is appalled. Appalled. what did you just say. the reason why you don’t look so good is because you’ve been up since Yesterday and you haven’t eaten since then either? why? what do you mean you forgot to eat; what kind of human Forgets To Eat? oh, you didn’t forget? you just didn’t feel like getting up? you’re gonna give him an ulcer. if he doesn’t do anything else, he is getting you something to eat, you literally just activated every older sibling/parental instinct he has from luke being an angel. he will literally take you to the closest place with food, sit you down, and buy you whatever you want, and if you say you don’t want anything, he’ll buy you one of everything and give the leftovers to beel, do Not test him. and when you’re done eating, you’re taking a nap. where? anywhere. no one will disturb you so long as he’s there, you’ll sleep perfectly fine <33
dia is half horrified and half intrigued. you haven’t slept in how long? are humans supposed to do that?? NO??? like,, part of him wants to see how long you can last without sleep or food just to see the limits of the average human and part of him wants to feed you and make sure you sleep immediately. he would have to fight every urge to do the former, but once he did, you are eating everything he finds and you are sleeping for however long his Humans 101 manual says you should sleep for. 
i am so thoroughly convinced that solomon literally would not care at all you have No Idea- 
like,,, i just feel like he’d ask you if you were alright because you looked a little off and you’d tell him you hadn’t slept or eaten in a while and he’d first look at you like you were literally out of your mind and then depending on where you were, Maybe keep you company (read: make sure nothing happens to you) while you take a nap, or Maybe buy you food, or take you to the house or purgatory hall (whichever’s closer) because he wouldn’t leave you alone,, surrounded by demons, ever; let alone in your current state. ok wow maybe he does care what a sweetie
barbatos would literally. he would keep his ^_^ cool facade, but on the inside he would be Screaming. full throttle internal screaming that has been going on for centuries just got several notches louder because you can’t take care of yourself, i hope ure happy. you haven’t slept since yesterday? one notch. you didn’t eat breakfast or lunch? another notch. you feel faint? oH WOW REALLY??? I FUCKING WONDER WHY another notch. come with him. please come with him before he blows a fuse for the first time in 400 years because you think you’re an exception to the rules of being a human. he’s feeding you and putting you to sleep whether you think you’re fine or not; don’t argue with him, he already takes care of his immortal boss who is the equivalent of an excited child on most days or a troublesome teenager on others and he Does Not Lose Arguments. 
ok it’s almost 11am goodnight now <3
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thefirstcourtesan · 3 years
Text
First Love and Other Complications: A My Two First Loves rewrite Chapter 1
First Love and Other Complications
By Misha
Disclaimer- Not mine.
Author’s Notes- This chapter combines the first 2.5 chapters of MTFL and introduces all the LIs but changes things around a bit as we set up the premise. The MTFL timeline sucks (like every choices book), so I will be playing around with that too.
Pairings- Mason/MC, eventual Noah/MC
Summary- Jess and Mason take a big step but not everyone seems thrilled and Jess is saved by a mysterious stranger.
Rating- PG-13
Chapter One- The Beginning of Everything
“Mason, I like you.”
I practiced it out loud and then groaned. “Ugh. That sounds stupid. Of course he knows I like him.”
I took a deep breath and tried again. “Mason, I like like you.”
Another groan, that was even worse.
“Mason, I—“
My final attempt at preparation was cut off by a sound at my window. He was here!
Mason had been crawling in my window for years, although it was a little harder now that he lived a few blocks away instead of next door, but it felt right. Especially tonight.
I let him in and drank in the sight of him. Tall and muscular with a friendly grin that melted my heart. Thankfully he didn’t seem to notice me staring, instead he seemed just as focused on me as I was on him and my heart skipped a beat. Could he feel the same?
I stepped closer, almost hesitantly, and Mason immediately wrapped me in a warm hug. Instantly everything felt right again. Mason’s arms had always been my safe place. Suddenly I felt doubt about my decision. What if he didn’t feel teh same and I lost him? Could I handle that?
I pushed that thought aside. No, I had to do this. I had to know.
“Mason-“
“Jess-“
We started to speak at the exact same moment.
“Great minds, I guess,” Mason said with a laugh as we stepped back from the hug, “you first.”
Great. I could do this. I had to do this.
“Mason... I love you,” the words came out in a rush and I could feel the heat rushing to my cheek, “and not... not as a friend.”
There. I had done it. After three years of bottling it inside, I had told Mason Jennings how I felt and now it was out of my hands.
Mason looked stunned by my words and he was silent for a long moment, long enough that dread started creeping in and I wished I was anywhere else. Why had I said that? What had I done?
Just as I was about to tell him it was a joke or something, I felt Mason’s hands on my waist and realized I was being pulled into his arms, pressed right up against his muscular chest.
“I have wanted to hear that for so long,” Mason said, “I feel the same way. It’s you, Jess, it’s always been you, I have just been so worried about losing our friendship, afraid that you didn’t feel the same way.” He gazed at me with wonder. “But you do.”
I nodded shyly. “Yeah.” My hands rested on his shoulders, wondering what came next,
I didn’t have to wonder for long because Mason lowered his head and his lips met mine. I had spent all of high school daydreaming about kissing Mason Jennings and the reality was better than anything I could ever have imagined. It was easy to lose myself in the kiss, the feel of Mason’s arms around me and i could have stayed like that forever, except for the sound of footprints coming up the stairs.
Mason and I broke apart in a hurry.
“My dad!”
“I guess I should go,” Mason said reluctantly, moving towards the window, he turned back to smile at me, “Jess, I am glad we’re doing this.”
“Me too.” I told him, though I wasn’t quite sure what he meant. Kissing? Talking  about our feelings? Where did we stand?
The footsteps got louder.
“Mason!” I whispered urgently.
He grinned. “I’m going. After all, it would be a bad start to Senior Year, if I got murdered by my girlfriend’s father for being caught in her room after curfew.” He said the words so easily and I felt warmth rush through me again.
Girlfriend.
Just like that I was Mason Jenning’s girlfriend. I had everything I had ever wanted and as I watched Mason climb out the window, our eyes meeting to share one last smile, I was confident that Senior year was going to exactly the way I planned.
I was so naive.
**
The next morning I was floating on air when I went for breakfast but that faded fast after a fight with my dad over my outfit. A fight that left me standing in my room trying to figure out what to wear that wouldn’t make me look like a soccer mom.
I was weighing my options, these jeans weren’t too bad, when my door opened.
“Coast is clear, Dad got called into work,” my sister Mackenzie told me from the door way.
I sighed with relief. “Oh thank god.”
“Yeah, now you don’t have to show up your first day as Mason Jenning’s girlfriend dressed like you are 40,” she teased.
I turned to look at her. “How did you...?”
“Thin walls,” she answered with a shrug, “besides I spent the entire summer watching you obsess over your cell signal and waiting for texts from him, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out there was something going on.”
Before I could think of a response, my phone went off and Mack slipped away as I checked the text.
Forgot to ask last night, do you need a ride?
No, I am riding with Ava, but thanks for asking. ❤️ 
See you at school then. Bet you look beautiful. But then you always do. 😘
I was smiling widely as I read Mason’s texts. He really was such a sweet guy and officially mine. If it was a dream, I never wanted to wake up.
I was back to feeling like I was floating on air when I ran out the door to meet my best friend, Ava Lawrence, the Cheer Captain to my Vice Captain and my partner in crime since Freshman year.
“Jess, you look amazing!” She exclaimed, taking in my short skirt and pink crop top, “two months in the wilderness obviously agreed with you!” She wrapped her arms around me in a quick, enthusiastic hug before we got in her car. “I am so glad hare back!”
“Me too, fill me in everything I missed,” I encouraged, “the parties, the fights, the breakups.”
Ava laughed, “that will take more than 5 minutes but I will give you the highlights.” She gave me a quick rundown on the most intense hook-ups and break-ups and then gave me a sly smile, “what about you? Did you fall madly in love while in the middle of nowhere?”
I laughed, “not while I was in Wyoming, no, but I do have news.” I smiled widely, unable to contain my happiness, “Mason and I... We’re together.”
Ava froze as she was about to get out of her car, her hand on the door. “You and Mason?”
I nodded, “yeah, I know we have been friends for so long that it might seem surprising, but I have been in love with him forever and I finally got the guts to tell him.”
“That’s... great,” Ava told me, though her expression was more surprised than thrilled, “I’m really happy for you.”
I would have questioned her reaction, but as soon as I stepped out of Ava’s car I was wrapped in strong arms.
“Hey, you.” Mason told me, smiling down at me.
“Hey,” I said softly, leaning into him. I let myself melt into the warmth of his embrace and bask in the fact that this was my new normal. It was a long moment before I even realized that Ava had slipped away.
I wondered a little bit about her strange reaction, but then Mason tilted my face up to his and all thoughts of anyone else faded as I gazed up at him. “We need to plan a first date,” he reminded me, “I have football practice and I know you have cheer, but after that?”
“I’d like that,” I told him, leaning against him for another moment before sighing, “but first I guess I should go to class.”
“Yeah, my dead would murder me if I skipped,” Mason agreed, he kissed the top of my head and let me go, giving me one more heart-melting grin before we parted ways.
**
“Oh look who it is, Jess Price. Looking hot as usual, Jess.”
I groaned at the sound of the voice. Darren Hastings was Eastridge’s resident creep and he had been harassing me since Freshman year.
I shoved my books in my locker and turned around. “What do you want Darren?”
“Since you’re asking so nicely, how about a date?” He said with a slimy grin, leaning in and pinning me against the locker.
“Not in your wildest dreams.” I told him, trying to push him away. I was strong from four years of cheerleading, but not strong enough.
Darren took it as a challenge and leaned in closer. “Oh come on, you don’t mean that.”
Just as I was considering my options (including a kick to the groin), someone pulled him away forcibly.
“I believe the lady said no.”
I looked up into the incredibly handsome face of a boy I had never seen before.
Darren was scowling. “Noah Harris, they let you come back, huh? I thought this school had standards.”
Noah, if that was his name, looked unphased by the insult. “Apparently not, since the let you attend.” He shot Darren a decidedly unfriendly look. “I think you should find somewhere else to be. Pronto.”
Darren took the hint and scampered off, after giving Noah one more nasty look.
“Are you ok?” Noah asked, turning his attention to me for the first time.
I smiled. “I am. Thanks for that, I have been telling Darren no for years and he just never stops. Usually, it’s more annoying than anything, but...”
“No, I get it,” Noah assured me, “you shouldn’t have to put up with that.”
“Are you new here?” I asked after a moment, “I thought I knew everyone.”
“Not new, exactly,” Noah answered slowly, “I’ve been... away.”
That sounded mysterious but at the same time I didn’t want to pry. “I guess I don’t need to offer a school tour then?” I teased.
Noah grinned. “I don’t know, a tour could be nice, re-acquaint with me all the hot spots. If you are willing, of course.”
The offer had been in jest, but he had done me a favor, so... “of course, follow me.” I laughed. “I guess I should introduce myself first, I’m Jess.”
He took the hand I held out and shook it. His grip was warm and firm. “Noah.”
“Well, Noah, follow me and I will give you the official Welcome to Eastridge tour.”
**
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random-mha-thoughts · 4 years
Text
Miss Missing You (Life Update)
Ahem yes that’s the title of this post
Boy am I tired and exhausted being awake since 5 am on 5 hours of sleep
Hello~🥰 all my lovelies who are still awake and chugging along out in this world that’s slowly descending into the depths of hell (it’s ok guys, just a little more than 3 months and it’ll be over...hopefully).  I hope you’ve all been well, taking care of yourselves, drinking lots of water, and reminding yourself how amazing and wonderful you are and why you deserve to wake up every morning.  And if you started school again, stay safe and good luck, I know you can do it, push through this
Before I say anything, I wanna say hi and welcome to the - holy crap - 300 more followers I’ve gotten since I started being inactive.  I have no idea how you found this blog since it’s been radio silence, but thank you~ Enjoy your stay~
Also just a casual shout out to @mister-future for the reblog spam a few days ago, thank you so much dear 😘
Aaaaand I’m plugging a few events from my Discord server, POC Week that just wrapped up and a new Fantasy Week event where they’re still looking for a few writers to join in, so go check those out if you’re interested~ Sadly I won’t be participating, but I give all my love and support for both so please show them some love too.
Now you’re probably wondering or not “Chibi, where have you been?!  It’s been nearly a month!  You promised us Kiss of Death part 2!”
Well...see... the thing is... I don’t think I’ll be writing part 2... Hold the rotten tomatoes, let me finish!
Some of you might’ve seen from one of the last tag posts I did, but I never really made a formal announcement for this and I was meaning to do one early a month ago but life caught up to me and here we are.  It’s not that big of a deal or anything, I’m not dying, I’m not moving, nothing like that.  What I’m trying to say is in August I started PA school, which is basically about 70% of med school crammed into 2 years.  Nonstop, no long breaks, even taking classes during summer.  And as you can imagine, it’s a lot of work.  Many times, my schedule has me up at 5 am, class at 7 until 3, I come home, study, eat, study, shower, wind down for 30 min or so and then sleep.  On average, I sleep for ~6 hours a night and the entire rest of my day I’m studying.  My only break days are Friday and Saturday, and Sunday I have to play catch up from the week and review/study.  I have at least 1-2 exams every single week.
What I’m trying to say is it’s a lot, it’s a commitment I decided to take where I trade my social life and maybe my mental stability for 2 years and get a hopefully secure medical job with a nice salary and never have to go to school again.  I thought I’d have time at least on the weekends to write as a mental break, but most of my Saturdays are spent taking half-day long naps.  I didn’t anticipate that the mental and physical toll it would take on me would be this much.  Today I was lucky to have class finish early and I finished my allotted studying early enough for me to make up for my lost sleep (I’m tired right now, can’t you tell how by how much I’m rambling? lol), but I told myself, “If you don’t write this now, you’re never gonna get to it again.”  So here I am~ Running on fumes and almost falling asleep at my keyboard because I know I owe you an explanation.
Point is, writing isn’t really in my agenda right now.  It can’t fit in my irregular, constantly-changing-yet-consistently-stressful PA school schedule.  I wish I had the energy to pull myself together and give you guys something once a week, but my body and my mind can’t do it, and for that I’m truly sorry.  I really miss this blog and writing and all of you, but I have priorities that go above it for now.
Am I saying you won’t be seeing anything of me until December?  It’s a very likely possibility.  I’m crossing my fingers that I can put out something, even a little thing sometime in between, but for now I think it’s safe to say I’m out of commission until December.  I really hope you guys understand 🙏🏼
I love you all so much, thank you for sticking with me through the long update/announcement.  Please stay safe and healthy, remember that you’re loved and you deserve the whole world, and there is no one else who can replace you 💖
~Chibi
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pochapal · 3 years
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rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore
[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]
ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 
#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 
#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 
#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.
#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.
#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!
#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 
#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.
#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?
#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.
#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.
god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.
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