#I got 6 consecutive hours of sleep

[prettyboysmlm]

WAKE UP

[toastsnaffler]

I have to be up for work in 3 hours and I'm gonna be real I think ive hit the point where I might not be getting any sleep at all. for fucks sake.

[marvel-lous-guy]

Tony: *pours coffee onto his spanner* shit. Thats not my mug

FRIDAY: boss. It has been 49 hours since you last slept more than 6 consecutive hours. May I recommend you get some sleep?

Tony: I'm fine, 6 hours is a long time, when was the last time I got any sleep?

FRIDAY: you got appriximately 5 minutes of sleep 26 hours ago sir

Tony: ...good enough for me

FRIDAY: may I recommend you get some rest before Miss Potts is made aware of this?

Tony: I didn't make no snitch, keep your damn mouth shut

[runariya]

Drive to Survive (JJK) • Chapter 6 “Addicts Deny”

pairing: F1driver!Jungkook x female race engineer!reader genre: colleagues2L, formula1!AU, racing!AU, drama, kind of fantasy/cyborg!AU fic rating: 18+, MDNI warnings: denial, denial, denial, unethical thoughts regarding race practice, lil meow makes an appearance, the FIA is sus, Jungkook is sorry, protective Jungkook because that's a warning for and of itself, MC is jealous, a little bit of fluff, but still she's in denial 🙄, a lot of embarrassment, MC is reckless, physical violence, threats, Jungkook has anger issues, slight PTS, a lil 'babe', MC can't face the truth, foul language, lmk if I forgot smth word count: ~ 7.400

🎵 Treasure - JIKJIN 🎵

a/n: okay, I've clearly lied regarding the writing break. Last night I've stayed awake with mini-me on me sleeping (even though we're both down with a high fever but whatever) and so I've spent the night writing away...so yeeeey! double unedited DtS- AND HR-Update 🎉

a/n 2: This work is purely fictional. All characters and events are entirely imaginary and do not reflect reality. Content errors related to the sport of Formula 1 are not excluded. Please do not use this story as your own. No translations are allowed without permission. Thank you for understanding! 💕

01 • 02 • 03 • 04 • 05 • series masterlist • 07

It's Monday after the race in São Paulo, and you find yourself back at the headquarters, preparing for the triple header ahead: three races in three consecutive weeks. The jet lag nags at the edges of your consciousness, but you push it aside, just as you try to maintain the facade that keeping Jungkook at a distance is easy. 

The wreckage of Jungkook's car has arrived this morning at the headquarters as well, and your immediate task is to retrieve the crash data. Specialised crash sensors in the car have recorded crucial information on impact forces, angles, and speeds, which you'll need to analyse to assess the severity of the crash. This data is essential for the mechanics, who must start working immediately to ensure Jungkook's car is ready in four days for the sprint race weekend in Japan. Toto has already informed you that he wants the data discussed in the debriefing in a few hours, adding to your stress level. 

As you sit at your desk, your thoughts drift back to the chaotic events of the race. Jungkook's crash and the subsequent confrontation with Mingyu replay in your mind. After the race, Jungkook underwent a thorough physical check, and thankfully, he emerged unscathed. Still, you worry about the potential impact on his performance, which you'll have a chance to evaluate during tomorrow's simulation session. You focus on extracting and compiling the crash data, immersing yourself in the technical details to drown out the lingering anxiety.

Once you finish the report, you print it, gather the papers, and make your way to the garage where the mechanics are already hard at work. The sleek, partially disassembled race cars glint under the bright lights, the smell of grease heavy in the air, and the walls are adorned with various tools and parts, neatly organised yet exuding a sense of controlled chaos. As you enter, you spot one of the lead mechanics, a man you think is named Yoongi, though everyone here calls him Lil Meow. He's hunched over Jungkook's damaged car, his hands deftly manoeuvring the wrench.

"Yoongi," you call out, approaching him with the crash data. "I have the data from Jungkook's crash. The debriefing starts in a bit, so I thought I’ll give it to you in person."

He looks up, nodding as he wipes his hands on a rag. "Thanks. Let's see what we've got."

As Yoongi begins to look over the data, an idea pops into your head. "Yoongi, hypothetically speaking, could a device be ingrained and hidden in a car that sends electromagnetic shockwaves to disturb electrical connections?"

Yoongi raises an eyebrow, clearly intrigued. "Hypothetically, it’s possible. It would be against regulations, though. Such a device could emit controlled electromagnetic pulses that interfere with the car's electronics. It'd be tricky to detect, but if someone knew what to look for, they might catch it."

You hum thoughtfully, processing this information. "Interesting. Thanks, Yoongi."

Leaving the garage, you mull over the idea. If Mingyu plays unfair, then perhaps you could too. The notion of using such a device to either disrupt his car or his body gnaws at your professional integrity, but the stakes are high, and the competitive edge is razor-thin. Returning to your office, you decide to keep the idea in your back pocket, a potential ace up your sleeve. The balance between ethical boundaries and the fierce desire to win is a delicate one, and you can only hope you navigate it wisely in the intense weeks to come.

In the cool, dimly lit conference room at the team headquarters, you stand beside Toto and the engineering team, surrounded by screens displaying telemetry data and race footage. The atmosphere is tense as you begin the debrief with a detailed analysis of Jungkook's crash with Mingyu. On the large central screen, you replay the critical moments leading up to the incident, dissecting every move and decision.

"From what we've reviewed," you start, gesturing towards the screen where the onboard footage plays in slow motion, "it appears Jungkook attempted an overtake on Mingyu into Turn 4. Mingyu defended aggressively, causing contact that sent Jungkook off track."

Toto nods, his expression grave. "We need to understand why Jungkook chose that moment. Was there a miscommunication on strategy? Please replay the radio communication."

You do as said, the communications during the incident echoing through the room, emphasising Jungkook's frustration with Mingyu's defensive manoeuvres. "There were clear frustrations expressed over the radio. Jungkook felt he had the pace and opportunity, but Mingyu closed the door aggressively."

Jungkook, seated among the team, clears his throat. "I believed I could make the move stick. I saw an opportunity and went for it. In hindsight, perhaps I should have waited for a better chance."

Toto interjects, "We need to ensure incidents like this don't repeat. You have to trust the team's strategy and communicate effectively."

You move to the next slide, focusing on the damage assessment. "Fortunately, the crash data indicates that the impact was primarily absorbed by the car body. The chassis integrity remains intact, which is crucial."

The chief engineer chimes in, "The initial assessment from the mechanics confirms that the car will be fully operational for the upcoming race weekend. We'll conduct thorough checks to ensure all systems are optimal."

Toto nods, turning towards Jungkook, he address him directly. "Jungkook, let's discuss your perspective on the incident and your decision-making process during that crucial moment."

Jungkook meets your gaze briefly. "I thought I had the pace to pass Mingyu. I misjudged his defence. I'll be more patient in the future."

You nod towards Toto, appreciating Jungkook’s honesty. "We'll work on refining those split-second decisions."

Transitioning to the broader strategy review, you outline the team's approach to the race. "Our strategy focused on tyre management and capitalising on the race pace. We opted for a two-stop strategy which, despite the incident, allowed us to compete for points until Jungkook's retirement."

Next the chief engineer addresses you, being the engineer responsible for Jungkook's car. "What feedback did Jungkook provide post-incident regarding car handling and performance?"

You respond, “Jungkook reported minor understeer pre-crash, but overall, the car's balance was manageable. Our focus now is ensuring all components are thoroughly checked and aligned."

Shifting focus, Toto then assesses the impact on team morale while looking around. "Given the incident, how are team dynamics holding up?"

Jungkook sighs, "It's frustrating, but we're a resilient team. We'll learn from this and come back stronger."

Turning to the positive, Joongki acknowledges George's stunning victory. "On a brighter note, George's performance was exceptional. Starting from P5 and mastering the changing track conditions to clinch victory showcases our team's capabilities."

The room lightens up with smiles and nods. George beams from his seat. "Thanks, everyone. It was a team effort all the way."

You hastily write down Toto’s next words. "But again back to the crash. To prevent similar incidents, we'll reinforce communication protocols and strategic decision-making. Clear rules of engagement between drivers and rivals will be crucial moving forward."

"Now, regarding the FIA's decision regarding the fight after the race," Toto proceeds, his tone turning almost cheerful. "Thanks to my and Christian Horner's intervention and negotiation with them, Jungkook and Mingyu won't face a ban from the next race. However, there will be a fine to be paid. This is a lesson for both drivers."

There are visible sighs of relief, with shoulders relaxing and expressions softening around the table. Engineers exchange nods of approval, while a few team members even allow themselves small, cautious smiles. Spontaneous clapping breaks out, followed by a few cheers, as the gravity of Toto's influence in this decision is silently acknowledged by the team.

Jungkook glances again to you, as if you see your reaction but averts his eyes to Toto. “Thanks, boss.”

Toto stands, offering final words of encouragement. "Let's channel today's lessons into preparation for the next race. We have a championship to contend for."

As the debrief wraps up, you hastily make your way back to your office, focused and no time for chatter. 

The rest of the day passes in a blink of an eye, the quiet hum of the building’s A/C underscoring the solitude of your surroundings. You’re once again the last one working, or so you think. As you step exhausted into the lobby, ready to call an Uber to take you back to your hotel, you come across Namjoon and Jungkook standing by the entrance. Namjoon offers a quick goodbye, leaving you and Jungkook enveloped in an awkward silence.

Jungkook breaks the stillness. "How are you getting home?"

You shrug, trying to keep your tone nonchalant. "I’m taking an Uber, like always."

He frowns, clearly displeased. "It’s too late for you to go alone. I don’t want you walking around at night by yourself."

You roll your eyes, the familiarity of arguing with Jungkook bubbling up. "Jungkook, I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Thank you very much."

"No. And before you start, it’s not about patronising you," he insists, his voice dropping to a softer, more earnest tone. "It's about me genuinely fearing for your safety. I can't bear the thought of something happening to you."

You sigh, frustration and a hint of something warmer mingling in your chest. "I'll be fine, Jungkook. It's just a short ride. I’ve done it for weeks at this point.” 

He shakes his head, his eyes locking onto yours, the determination evident. "If something did happen to you, I'd never forgive myself. Your parents would say the same. It’s just not worth it.”

Reluctantly, you concede, the weight of his words settling over you. "Fine," you mutter, "but only because you're being so insistent."

You follow behind Jungkook as he leads the way to his car, the contrast between his towering frame and your smaller stature evident, even though you navigate in heels. Despite the footwear, you feel shielded by his presence, almost invisible to anyone who might approach. His athletic build is unmistakable—broad neck, shoulders, and arms hinting at strength, while his small waist is hidden under an oversized gym shirt. The scent lingering around him is enticing, a mix of sweat and something distinctly masculine, wrapping you in its comforting familiarity.

Reaching his car, Jungkook opens the passenger door, gestures for you to enter first, a small smile gracing his lips, his eyes warm and reassuring. You settle into the passenger seat as he takes his place beside you, the warmth of his presence contrasting with the cool leather of the car seats. The interior smells faintly of his cologne and detergent, bringing you an unexpected sense of comfort. As he starts the engine, you feel a surprising peace wash over you, his presence beside you calming your nerves. You try to swallow down all these feelings, focusing on the passing city lights outside the window.

"Do you have plans tonight?" you ask, breaking the silence, your curiosity getting the better of you.

Jungkook snorts, a bitter laugh escaping him. "With who?"

You raise an eyebrow and look at his profile. "Any of your flirts?"

He glances at you, a small smile tugging at his lips. “I thought you realised what was behind the flirting.”

“What’s there to realise?” Your tone is more snarky than you intended and you regret opening your mouth at all. But Jungkook seems not to mind it at all. 

"For years, flirting has been my self-defence mechanism. Those women who fall for it are usually gold diggers. I know to keep my distance from them…like Trish."

You nod, absorbing his honesty and the subtle repulsion after he said her name, but he isn’t finished.

"The ones who are disgusted by my flirting," he continues, "are the genuine ones. Those are the ones I can befriend. Or more," he adds in a whisper, his eyes flicking to you before quickly returning to the road.

“Oh…” Your breath catches, but you can't find the words to respond. His admission leaves you speechless, and you can feel your heart thudding in your chest. Jungkook takes a deep breath, the tension in the car thickening.

"No matter what happens on track," he says softly, "I’ll never disobey your orders again. I’m sorry. We’re a team, and I need you to know that I understand that now."

Before you can react, he reaches over and takes your hand, his thumb gently rubbing your knuckles. The simple touch sends a jolt through you, making you gulp while warmth spreads from your hand to your entire body. You feel a mixture of emotions—comfort, confusion, and a deep-seated denial of what this could mean. You tell yourself it’s just a friendly gesture, nothing more.

You don’t protest, your hand remaining in his as he continues driving. The silence between you shifts, becoming something more intimate and reassuring. You can feel his strength and sincerity through the connection of your hands, and despite your best efforts to deny it, a part of you feels a deep sense of belonging.

As the car glides through the streets, Jungkook’s touch remains steady, anchoring you to this moment. His presence, his warmth, and his words blend into a quiet promise of trust and solidarity. You tell yourself it’s just the circumstances, you being lonely, the late hour, the emotional weekend behind you—but in the back of your little heart, you know it’s more. And for now, you let yourself enjoy the fleeting peace that comes from simply being beside him, his hand in yours.

After Jungkook dropped you off at your hotel last night, you couldn't sleep all night. You kept overthinking the car ride, replaying every moment in your mind. Yet, you told yourself that the sleeplessness was due to your jet lag and not because of Jungkook. 

The race simulation room you're in this morning is a high-tech haven within your team's headquarters where you'll spend the next few hours. The walls are adorned with monitors displaying data streams and circuit maps of the Suzuka International Racing Course in Japan. The vibration of machinery and the occasional click of keyboards form the backdrop to your team's focused atmosphere.

Jungkook is seated in the futuristic simulator, which replicates the cockpit of his Formula 1 car. The simulator's three large screens wrap around him, providing a near-360-degree view of the track. He’s fully suited up, helmet on, and hands gripping the steering wheel with the intensity of an actual race. His focus is tangible, his eyes darting from the virtual track to the display on his steering wheel, which shows telemetry data in real-time.

You stand at the control station, a complex array of monitors and control panels before you. Each screen shows a different aspect of the car's performance: speed, gear selection, engine temperature, tyre wear, and countless other parameters that will inform the team's strategy for the upcoming race in Japan. Your headset is on, allowing seamless communication with Jungkook and the rest of the engineering team.

“Okay, Jungkook, we’re ready to start the first run,” you say, your voice steady and clear through the radio. “Let’s focus on getting a clean lap to gather baseline data.”

Jungkook nods, and you watch as he navigates the simulator's controls. The car roars to life on the screen, and he accelerates down the virtual pit lane and onto the track. You keep an eye on the various readouts, watching how the car behaves through the corners and straights of Suzuka's iconic layout.

As Jungkook takes on the first set of S-curves, you notice slight oversteer. “You’re doing great, Jungkook. Let’s try to manage the oversteer through the Esses. Adjust your throttle input a bit earlier.”

“Got it,” he replies, his voice calm yet focused.

Lap after lap, you gather critical data. Tyre temperatures rise and fall, fuel consumption rates adjust, and the balance of the car shifts as Jungkook fine-tunes his driving lines and braking points. Each piece of data feeds into the computer models that will help predict how the car will perform in the actual race.

“Alright, let’s try a few different setups now,” you suggest after a series of consistent laps. “We’ll start with adjusting the front wing angle to see if we can get more downforce.”

You signal to one of the engineers, who quickly inputs the new configuration into the simulator. Jungkook waits patiently, using the brief pause to take a sip of water.

“Okay, new setup is loaded. Let’s see how this feels,” you inform him.

Jungkook nods and restarts his run. Immediately, you notice the car’s behaviour changing through the corners. “How’s the balance now?” you ask.

“Feels better, more responsive at the front. But I’m getting a bit of oversteer in the hairpin,” Jungkook reports.

“Copy that. We’ll try adjusting the rear suspension next,” you respond, making notes on your tablet.

The session continues, each adjustment bringing you closer to the optimal setup. You guide Jungkook through various configurations, each one providing valuable insights. The simulator’s feedback is so realistic that it’s almost like being on the actual track.

“Let’s do a race simulation now,” you announce after a while. “We need to see how the car behaves over a longer stint.”

Jungkook prepares himself, taking a deep breath and settling into a rhythm. The laps roll by, each one providing a wealth of data. Tyre degradation, fuel usage, and lap times are all meticulously logged. You communicate with him constantly, advising on tyre management and fuel-saving techniques.

“Pace is looking good, Jungkook. Keep it steady,” you encourage as he maintains a consistent lap time.

The simulation runs smoothly, and after a predetermined number of laps, you call him back into the virtual pit lane. “Great job, Jungkook. That was a solid stint. We’ve got a lot of good data to work with.”

Jungkook exits the simulator, removing his helmet and wiping the sweat from his brow. A sight you appreciate even in a professional setting. He joins you at the control station, where the team is already analysing the data.

“Let’s review the telemetry,” you say, pulling up the graphs and charts on the central monitor. “We can see here that the tyre wear was pretty consistent, but we need to look into the slight drop in pace during the middle stint.”

Jungkook leans in, his scent hitting you square in the face as he examines the data with you. Flashbacks of yesterday running wild in your mind. “I felt a bit of a drop in grip around lap ten. Could be the tyre temps spiking.”

You nod, trying to snap back to the present while you highlight the corresponding data points. “Yes, the front-left tyre temperature was higher than expected. We might need to tweak the camber settings.”

The debrief continues, with Jungkook providing invaluable feedback on how the car felt at different points of the simulation. You discuss potential adjustments, comparing them with the data gathered to formulate the best strategy for the race weekend.

As the session wraps up, you give Jungkook a pat on the back. “Excellent work today. We’ve got a lot to go on for Japan.”

“Thanks, it felt good. Looking forward to the weekend,” Jungkook replies with a smile.

You watch as he heads out, already thinking about the next steps. The data from today’s session will be critical in fine-tuning the car for the unique demands of the Suzuka circuit. You and the team will spend the next two days poring over every detail, ensuring that Jungkook has the best possible car for the race.

The room gradually empties, the noise of activity dying down. You sit back for a moment, reflecting on the day’s progress and Jungkook’s magnetic pull. Even though he sometimes feels like the sun you can't stop orbiting, there's still work to be done. With Jungkook’s skill and the data you’ve gathered, you would feel confident about the upcoming race weekend, if there wasn’t Mingyu. 

As you power down the equipment and gather your notes, you can’t help but feel a sense of excitement. The race in Japan is just around the corner, and with every data point analysed, you’re one step closer to a successful race weekend.

Making your way up the floors to your office, you stop by the kitchenette to fetch a coffee after the sleepless night. The day ahead isn’t over yet, and you need a boost to keep going. The rich aroma of freshly brewed coffee fills the small room as you pour yourself a cup. Just as you’re about to head to your office with your coffee in hand, Namjoon approaches with a smile.

"Hey, good morning," he greets you warmly.

"Good morning, Namjoon," you reply, returning his smile.

"Got a minute?" he asks, his tone friendly yet a bit hesitant.

"Sure, what’s up?" you respond, curious about what he wants to discuss.

He clears his throat and begins, "I wanted to clarify something about the first day we met. I’m sure you heard what Jungkook said as you were leaving."

Intrigued, you nod and encourage him to continue. "Go on."

"Well," Namjoon says, a bit awkwardly, "I wasn’t looking at your butt. I was actually looking at your posture. Your left shoulder seems to sag a little bit. Do you wear your purse on that side?"

A wave of embarrassment washes over you as you realise you had misinterpreted the situation. You thought he was checking you out. "Yes, you're right," you admit, feeling your cheeks heat up. "I do carry my purse on that side."

Namjoon nods, seemingly relieved. "Would you like to do a little workout for it? I’ve got an hour until I’m scheduled with Jungkook."

You ponder for a moment, but the idea of a break sounds perfect given your level of stress and tiredness. "Sure, why not," you agree.

Soon, you find yourself in your gym clothes, which you keep in your office for moments like this. You follow Namjoon to the team’s gym, a well-equipped space designed for quick yet effective workouts. Namjoon starts guiding you through a series of exercises meant to correct your posture and strengthen your shoulder.

As you move through the exercises, Namjoon breaks the silence. "By the way, you and Jungkook don’t have to worry about me. I’m gay and dating George."

You’re taken aback, not because of his disclosure but because it confirms he noticed your earlier embarrassment. "Oh, um, thank you for sharing that," you stammer, then quickly clarify, "But just to be clear, the relationship between Jungkook and me is purely professional."

Namjoon gives you a knowing look. "I don’t believe you," he says with a chuckle. "Jungkook talks about you all the time. You’re his favourite topic of conversation. He always brings up how you first met when you were teenagers and how you couldn’t stand him."

You feel a mix of emotions swirling inside you. Embarrassment, confusion, and a hint of something else you don’t want to place. "Really?" you ask, trying to keep your tone neutral.

"Yes, really," Namjoon continues. "He admires you in a way that’s more than professional. And I can see it in the way you look at him, too. It’s mutual."

You deny it again, "Namjoon, it’s not like that." But internally, you’re struggling with the truth of his words. Memories of late-night strategy sessions, the way Jungkook's eyes light up when he talks about racing, and the fluttering in your stomach every time you see him after a race flash through your mind.

Namjoon doesn’t press further. Instead, he focuses on guiding you through the next set of exercises, his demeanour still friendly but more subdued. "Just think about it," he says finally, offering a gentle smile.

You tease, “George, huh?”

Now it’s Namjoon’s turn to blush. “Yeah, it’s still fresh,” he admits, looking slightly embarrassed. “We’re at the stage of getting to know each other. Please keep it secret for now.”

You nod, a playful smile on your lips. “Your secret’s safe with me. But if you need any advice, you know where not to find me,” you say, masking your own embarrassment.

Namjoon laughs, shaking his head. “Thanks, but I think I’ll manage. Just don’t spread it around.”

“Of course not,” you reply, still smiling. “But if I see you sneaking off, I’ll know who you’re talking to.”

Namjoon chuckles again, the tension easing. 

You finish the workout feeling more relaxed physically but with your mind in turmoil. As you change back into your work clothes and head to your office, you replay Namjoon’s words over and over. You know there’s some truth to what he said, but admitting it, even to yourself, feels like opening a door you’re not ready to walk through.

The day moves on, filled with meetings and data analysis, but Namjoon's words linger in the back of your mind. Every interaction with Jungkook feels charged with a new awareness. You catch yourself watching him a little too closely, analysing every smile, every glance.

Later, as you work late into the evening, Jungkook stops by your office. "Hey, I wanted to go over some of the simulation data with you," he says, his voice as casual as ever.

"Sure, come in," you reply, your heart beating a little faster.

As you discuss the data, you find yourself distracted by the way he leans in, his focus on the screen, the small gestures that seem so familiar yet newly significant. You wonder if he feels it too, this strange tension that Namjoon has made you so aware of.

"I'm heading home in an hour. Will you be done by then? I can drive you home," Jungkook offers.

You look up at him, seeing the hope in his eyes, and can only hum in response.

"Great. I'll meet you at the lobby entrance," Jungkook says, standing up with a gentle smile that you reciprocate without thinking.

When Jungkook finally leaves, you sit back in your chair, staring at the door. You know you need to confront these feelings, but for now, you bury them deep, focusing on your work. The race in Japan is just days away, and you can’t afford distractions.

But as the hour ticks by and the office grows quiet, you can’t help but wonder what might happen if you allowed yourself to acknowledge the truth. Namjoon's words echo in your mind, and for the first time, you consider the possibility that your relationship with Jungkook could be something more than professional.

But for now, you pack up and push the thoughts aside as you head to the elevator, Jungkook already waiting for you with the same smile that leaves you breathless. 

Friday evening in Japan is eerily quiet at the paddock. The day's training session had gone well, the team managing to make final adjustments that promised a successful qualifying later that day. However, a strategic error in tyre management—a responsibility that fell squarely on your shoulders—left Jungkook in P3 during the qualifying session. The sense of disappointment still lingers as you step out into the darkness, determined to salvage the weekend by any means necessary.

The Red Bull garage looms ahead, bathed in dim, ambient light that casts long, eerie shadows. Each step you take echoes softly in the stillness of the night, your heartbeat a frantic drum in your chest. Fear and determination war within you, a volatile cocktail that drives you forward. The vast expanse of the garage stretches out before you, empty and silent, offering the perfect opportunity for your second solo mission. You move swiftly, your movements fluid and precise, slipping inside like a ghost. Your eyes dart around, frantic, scanning every nook and cranny for any sign of Mingyu or his team. The air is thick with tension, but as you search, you find the space blissfully clear of any presence. With a quiet sigh of relief, you head straight for Mingyu's gear, the objective of your desire. The silence around you feels both a blessing and a curse, heightening your senses and making every sound seem louder than it is. You remain on high alert, fully aware that discovery could mean serious consequences for both you and the team.

Carefully, you pull out your phone, the cool metal a reassuring weight in your trembling hand. You activate the camera, its bright light slicing through the darkness and casting sharp, eerie shadows that dance over the metallic knobs embedded in the fabric. Each click of the shutter feels like a small victory, highlighting the unusual and illicit modifications better than the pictures you’ve taken weeks before. The knobs glint under the stark light, their presence a silent testament to your growing suspicions. Encouraged by your discovery, you delve deeper into the search, your breath quickening as you rummage through more gear, adrenaline high in your veins. To your dismay and confirmation, you find similar knobs embedded in his right racing boot. The sight sends a chill down your spine, a cold reminder of the dangerous game you're playing. But the thrill of uncovering the truth fuels your resolve, and you focus intently on documenting the evidence, pushing fear to the back of your mind.

Just as you're about to snap another picture of the racing boot, a strong hand clamps down on your shoulder, wrenching you around with a force that knocks the breath out of you. Your heart leaps into your throat as you come face-to-face with Mingyu. His eyes blaze with anger and suspicion, his imposing frame casting a shadow over you and filling the garage with an oppressive presence. His tall and buff build swallows you whole and blocks out the dim light, making you feel small and vulnerable. 

"What’s a little bird like you doing here?" he snarls, his voice a dangerous, low rumble that sends a fresh wave of fear coursing through you. The menace in his tone is unmistakable, and you can feel your body tense up, every instinct screaming at you to run.

You open your mouth to respond, but no sound comes out. Your vocal cords feel paralysed by the sheer panic rising within you. As Mingyu steps closer, his towering frame becomes even more intimidating, forcing you to instinctively back away. Your hands tremble uncontrollably, making it hard to keep your phone steady, and a cold sweat breaks out on your forehead, trickling down your temples. "I... I was just..." you stammer, but the words catch in your throat, refusing to form coherent sentences. The weight of the situation presses down on you, making it hard to think or react rationally.

Mingyu's eyes narrow, his gaze piercing and unforgiving. He steps even closer, closing the gap between you with a menacing determination. You keep backing up, your steps frantic and unsteady, until you find yourself at the very edge of the garage. The cool night air brushes against your back, offering a stark contrast to the oppressive heat radiating from Mingyu's anger. "Tell me, what exactly are you doing here?" he demands, his voice a dangerous growl. Suddenly, his hand shoots out and grabs your neck, the pressure firm and unyielding. You gasp for breath, your hands instinctively flying up to grasp his wrist in a futile attempt to loosen his grip. The fear coursing through your body now is overwhelming, drowning out any semblance of bravery you thought you had.

Regret floods your mind like a tidal wave, threatening to drown you in its intensity. You curse yourself for embarking on this dangerous mission alone, for underestimating the risks and overestimating your ability to handle them. Thoughts of Jungkook, your team, and the potential consequences of your actions swirl in a chaotic storm within your head. What if you don't get out of this situation unharmed? The fear is almost paralysing, making it hard to focus on anything but the desperate hope that somehow, someone will come to your rescue. The reality of your vulnerability hits you hard, and you can't help but feel a deep sense of despair and helplessness.

Mingyu's grip tightens, the pressure on your neck intensifying as you see the rage boiling over in his eyes. "Answer me!" he growls, his voice a harsh, guttural sound that shakes you to your core. He shakes you slightly, his grip unrelenting. The world starts to blur at the edges, your vision narrowing as lightheadedness takes over. You feel your strength ebbing away when, suddenly, a voice cuts through the oppressive tension.

"Hey! What’s going on here?" Taehyung's voice slices through the air, sharp and authoritative. Mingyu's head snaps in Taehyung's direction, his expression a mix of surprise and annoyance. Relief floods through you, a lifeline amidst your mounting fear. Taehyung strides toward you with purpose, his eyes immediately locking onto Mingyu's hand around your neck, the protective fire in his gaze unmistakable.

Mingyu releases you abruptly, and you stumble back, gasping for air as you clutch your sore neck. "She was trespassing," Mingyu snaps, pointing a condemning finger at you. "Spying. That’s against regulations."

Taehyung steps between you and Mingyu, his stance solid and unyielding. "All I saw was a man assaulting a woman. You might want to reconsider your actions," he says, his tone icy and eyes never wavering from Mingyu's face. The tension crackles like electricity, a standoff between the two men that hangs in the air.

Mingyu's eyes flash with unrestrained anger, but he takes a reluctant step back. "This isn't over," he warns, jabbing a finger in your direction one last time before turning on his heel and vanishing into the shadows of the night.

Taehyung turns to you, his face softening with concern. "Are you okay?" he asks, his voice now gentle, a stark contrast to the sharpness it held moments before.

You nod slowly, still rubbing your neck where Mingyu's fingers had left their mark. "Yeah, I think so. Thanks to you," you manage to say, your voice a bit shaky from the adrenaline still coursing through your veins.

"We need to report this to the FIA," Taehyung insists firmly. "Mingyu physically assaulted you. This can't go unaddressed."

"I'm not sure," you reply hesitantly, the thought of further exposure daunting. But Taehyung’s unwavering resolve cuts through your doubt.

"It's the best course of action," he says, his tone brooking no argument. "And we won't say a word about what you were doing before Mingyu showed up."

You sigh, a mixture of resignation and acceptance washing over you. Knowing he's right, you agree. "Okay. We'll report it. But what were you doing here, anyway?"

A small, wry smile tugs at Taehyung's lips. "I had the same idea as you. But you beat me to it," he admits, a hint of admiration in his voice.

As you and Taehyung leave the paddock, the night air cool against your flushed skin, you glance at him, a new worry gnawing at you. "Promise me you won't tell Jungkook about this," you say quietly, your voice barely above a whisper.

Taehyung frowns and glances at your neck. "I’m afraid I won’t have to, it’s quite unmistakable." 

The two of you walk side by side, the night’s events casting a long shadow. Mingyu's warning echoes in your ears, a constant reminder of the stakes involved.

Back at the hotel, you part ways with Taehyung, thanking him again for his help. Alone in your room, you sit on the edge of the bed, staring at the pictures on your phone. The evidence you’ve gathered is significant, but it has come at a cost. You hope that tomorrow will bring clarity and that you'll find a way to move forward without further jeopardising yourself or the team.

Sleep doesn't come easily that night. The memory of Mingyu's hands around your neck haunts you, and the weight of your decisions presses heavily on your mind. But amidst the fear and uncertainty, you feel a flicker of determination. This fight isn't over, and you’re more committed than ever to seeing it through.

“___, could you please follow me?” Toto steps in front of you, blocking your view of a raging Jungkook, who is stomping his way toward you through the paddock on this Saturday morning before the sprint qualifying begins.

You glance up at Toto, his face passive and pale, and nod. “Yes, boss.”

Following him to the back room of the garage, you notice two representatives from the FIA and Taehyung sitting by the table, clearly waiting for Toto and you.

“What’s going…” Jungkook had clearly followed you but his presence and voice are cut off as Toto, unimpressed, closes the door in his face.

“Please take a seat,” one of the representatives says, thick with an Italian accent. Your nerves flare up, but Taehyung’s reassuring smile eases them a little.

“We heard that a driver had physically harassed and injured you. Is that true?” the same representative continues emotionless. 

You glance again at Taehyung, who nods, his warm smile still in place, giving you the reassurance you need. “Yes.”

“Could you name the driver who harassed you and what he did?” the other representative asks then. 

Last night flashes in your mind, the fear returning momentarily as you fiddle with your thumbs. “It was Park Mingyu. He choked me.”

Both representatives note your answer down, nodding before standing up.

“Thank you very much for your statement. If it’s not a bother, could we take a picture of your neck?”

You reach up, feeling the slight swelling on your neck. The bruises, shimmering in red, green, and blue at some spots, are a reminder of the aggression you faced. Each tender spot under your fingers feels as if Mingyu's grip is still there, the phantom pressure of his hand lingering around your throat. A shiver runs down your spine, and you gulp, realising the importance of this evidence. It must be documented meticulously to ensure there’s no doubt about what happened. The thought of the photographs being taken, capturing your vulnerability and the violence inflicted upon you, makes you uneasy, but you know it's necessary. “Sure,” you whisper, your voice barely audible. 

After the pictures are taken, the representatives thank you and exit the room. Almost immediately, Jungkook seizes the opportunity to peek into the room, his anxious eyes scanning for you. You realise he must have been waiting outside the entire time. The door closes softly behind them, leaving a heavy silence in their wake. Now, you're alone with Taehyung and Toto. The room feels smaller, more intimate, with just the three of you. Taehyung stands quietly beside you, his presence a comforting reassurance, while Toto's gaze remains steady and composed, though you can sense the undercurrent of worry in his eyes. The gravity of the situation hangs in the air, making the room feel even more charged with unspoken words and unresolved emotions.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Toto says, his tone distant as he speaks. “And I appreciate your assistance.” He adds, turning briefly to acknowledge Taehyung. “It’s unusual for a rival team to intervene like this.”

“It’s nothing, really,” Taehyung waves his hand around, still smiling at you as if knowing you need this more than ever. 

“Are you good to work?” Toto asks you.

“Yes, boss,” you reply, telling the truth.

"Good," Toto murmurs, his brow furrowing in contemplation. "Make sure to stick close to the team from now on, alright?"

"Yes, boss. I'll keep close," you reply, though Toto's shift in demeanour leaves you feeling unsettled.

"Good, good," Toto repeats, his voice trailing off slightly as he heads out the door. There's a visible tension in his movements, contrasting his usual composed self.

Jungkook strides purposefully into the room just as Toto makes his exit, his gaze flicking from you to your neck and then to Taehyung with a mixture of concern and anger etched on his features. His steps are quick, his posture tense as he points an accusatory finger at Taehyung. "What did you do to her?!" The words are sharp, laden with worry and protectiveness.

Taehyung responds with a laugh, raising his hands in a placating gesture while you move to stand in front of him, hoping to diffuse Jungkook's escalating emotions. "I saved Miss Dangerous here," Taehyung explains calmly, his tone light despite the seriousness of the situation. "Mingyu's the one who hurt her."

Jungkook's brow furrows as he processes the information, the tension in the room palpable as both you and Taehyung attempt to calm him down. You speak softly, explaining what happened and reassuring him that you're alright, urging him not to confront Mingyu in anger.

Later, as the sprint qualifying session is about to start, news spread through the paddock like wildfire. Teams and media alike learn of Mingyu's ban from the weekend's events, the result of his repeated violations of regulations, specifically for his assault on you. The atmosphere at the Suzuka Course is a mix of relief and lingering tension, with whispers of the incident circulating among team personnel and journalists alike, punctuated by murmurs of support and solidarity from your colleagues. 

Race day arrives on Sunday, and the paddock is clamouring with media for statements about Mingyu's ban and the incident involving you. Toto steps in, shielding you from the press frenzy, urging you to focus on the impending race while he handles the public relations. 

Watching his interview on the pit wall through a nearby screen, you feel grateful for a boss like him. He speaks confidently to the reporter, highlighting your skills as one of the most talented race engineers across all teams. Toto emphasises the importance of protecting women in a sport where they are still a rarity, citing the FIA's response as evidence of their commitment to a safe work environment.

Just as you start to settle into the seat, Jungkook startles you by placing his large hands on your shoulders. 

“I’m sorry.” He squeezes your shoulders lightly. “I didn’t mean to startle you.” 

“It’s okay, I’m fine.” You smile at him, your voice quiet.

“You ready for the race?” Jungkook shifts to beside you, leaning against the pit wall with crossed arms. He’s already in his black gear, fitting his body perfectly. 

With a playful grin, you counter “It’s you who needs to be ready.”

“We’re are team. Aren’t we, babe?”

You blush at his playful persona but laugh along, realising how much you've missed his relaxed and humorous side. As the anticipation builds, you feel a sense of optimism washing over you, hoping that everything is finally starting to align positively.

The race unfolds spectacularly, the anticipation building with each lap as Jungkook skilfully navigates the track. As the final lap approaches, Jungkook's dominance is undeniable. You with the pit crew, glued to their monitors, erupt in unison  cheers as Jungkook crosses the finish line in first place. The shouts reverberate through the paddock, faces full of elation and pride for the team's achievement.

With George closely following in second place, the team's success is complete. The pit lane becomes a stage of jubilation as Jungkook's car rolls to a stop, surrounded by cheering mechanics and team members. They hoist him and George onto their shoulders, their exuberance contagious as they celebrate their victory. The air is filled with high-fives, hugs, and congratulatory shouts. 

Standing at the back of the crowd, you fix your gaze on Jungkook amidst the post-race celebrations. His figure stands out, exuding triumph and relief, yet there's a subtle hint of something unresolved in his expression. You observe him scanning the crowd, his eyes searching earnestly as if seeking something beyond the victory itself. Your heart races with conflicting emotions, wanting desperately to catch his attention without uttering a word.

Finally, his gaze meets yours, a brief moment that feels like an eternity. In that instance, his smile lights up like the sun itself, mirroring the warmth that spreads across your own face. The connection is fleeting yet profound, a shared acknowledgment that transcends words.

Suddenly, the realisation hits you like a thunderclap. Your expression falls rapidly, hands pausing mid-clap, the color draining from your face. 

Jungkook notices the shift in your demeanour, his brow furrowing in concern, but before he can react, you pivot abruptly, heart pounding as you retreat from the scene as fast as you can.

Your only destination being away from him. 

01 • 02 • 03 • 04 • 05 • series masterlist • 07

a/n 3: lmk what you think in any way you like! please send me a message, ask or comment if you would like to be tagged for upcoming chapters 💕 also - character asks and drabble requests are open

Like what you read? Check out my other work here!

taglist: @jksusawife

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! You said that you need another vacation after this vacation, so I am not sure, how puppy situation, even if it partual custudy, affecting you ( may be you in panic when he is there and then recovering when he is not, and then round and round? ), but really, If you need another vacation, I hope you know we will be here to support you for it!

It's been nearly 4 weeks now since we got Toby so I feel like I can talk about this with a bit of a clear head.

(Talk of like an actual PTSD meltdown beneath the read-more, including self-harm mention - nothing graphic. There's zero obligation for anyone to read this, especially for folks who don't think authors should ever be honest about being people with issues):

So, I've been kind of quiet about aspects of this, but I have like severe treatment-resistant PTSD and C-PTSD, and puppies specifically are one of my triggers (especially if I'm responsible for them). The reason for that is kind of awful, and I don't really want to talk about some of the things I've experienced/been through that led to that, so let's just move onto the next part. You're kind of right anon, there has been panic while he is here lol.

As a result, I had a severe meltdown the first time I tried to adopt a dog many years ago now. Could not last 24 hours, needed weeks/months to recover.

But I've always wanted to share my life with a dog and I've been in a somewhat better space over the past year or so, and I thought I could maybe handle it better. I told myself 'if I can just get through that 24 hours I'll realise it's okay and it will all work out.' Anon I cannot tell you where this thinking came from, but it was wrong. Idk why past me was kind of naive enough to think this way but here we are.

No, after that 24 hours, it got temporarily better, and then I slammed into consecutive meltdowns, each one worse than the next, until the people around me were afraid for my life. I am still recovering from some of the harm I inflicted on myself during the last three weeks and likely will be for some time to come. The combination of a really intense PTSD relapse, as well as not being able to handle (as an AuDHD person) intense changes to my schedule basically compounded and I broke.

I made the decision to rehome Toby, and first contacted the people around me. Glen's mum said she wanted a dog, and had been specifically looking into dogs like Toby anyway, and so we decided this would be best because then I could still be involved (I love Toby to pieces).

After getting some space, I finally started to adjust, and have gone back to having Toby about 4~ days a week, with a view to going to about 6 days, with one day spent with my mum, or Glen's mum.

Today is the first day I was able to handle having him on my own for around 9.5 hours. And I'm here and able to write about it, so that's progress. He'll be here all day Sunday, and then Tues-Weds-Thurs-Friday. And from there a decision will be made as to where I'm at with my mental health etc.

I'm a bit more hopeful now that I might be able to keep him, but my PTSD is still very very bad. I'm having some nights where I'm simply not sleeping until 7.30am (even if he's not here), and my hypervigilance is crazy. Like, I am having so many auditory flashbacks it's stupid. So this is why I've been saying this break hasn't been very restful or productive. Because my mental health tanked like I detonated a landmine inside myself.

I didn't actually plan the two week break for Toby! That was just a coincidence honestly.

Unfortunately I have a lot of health conditions that respond very poorly to stress, so I'm dealing with those now too. And then additionally, in all of this, I had a breast scan / mammogram / ultrasound that has confirmed a suspicious lump I found a couple of months ago (breast cancer runs in the family), and I suspect I'm going to need a biopsy. I'll find out on Monday if that's the case. That's been in the background and hasn't been helping.

There's some other stuff going on that's not really worth talking about because these are the main things, but that's a good picture I think. It turns out 'just getting through the first 24 hours' doesn't magically make a severe PTSD trigger go away. And that forced exposure is not 'exposure therapy' - that's just reinforcing a trigger.

Anyway! I feel like I'm through the worst of it, and I am seeing glimpses of how my life could be richer if I keep getting through this. But...that's why I think another break. *smiles tiredly.* I have to wait a bit now for the PTSD / C-PTSD symptoms to settle down, and I also need to see what's kind of worsened after this. Realistically, with a relapse to this degree, it could take between 3-6 months to really start recovering, or to at least get back to where I was before December.

I hope with all my heart I can get there with Toby by my side. I love him so much.

(I want to add that Toby has never ever been in a position of harm at any point, and in fact I probably put myself in harm's way for his sake, because I wanted to provide solid continuity of care - in case anyone was worried about that).

Er so yeah! But I've picked up my writing again this week and have been able to do some like...things I'd been neglecting, and I feel more human again, I just hope I get some sleep tonight

[swampgallows]

finally got a few consecutive hours of sleep, 11am to 4pm. id slept maybe 6 hours total since sunday ugh. either i sleep during the day or i don't get to sleep at all apparently. okay im going back to sleep

[simpingraccoon]

Free Kittens

You yawned for the nth time, body on the verge of collapsing due to exhaustion. A tired grin made it's way to your face as you see your favorite coffee shop.

After 12 consecutive hours of hospital duty, you finally got a break. Now, all you want to do is drown yourself in coffee.

You made your way towards the cafe, but before you managed to enter the establishment, you heared mewing nearby. You look at the direction of the sound and saw a box with "free kittens" written on it. Inside of the said box was a small kitten the color of snow.

You heart was immediately struck by the sight of this adorable kitten standing alone. It looked like she was with her brothers and sisters before, but was left in solitude as passerbys took their pick.

Your animal-loving heart knows that you're not leaving this kitten alone in this box.

There are times that you just hate your job. Right now is one of them. You wanted to take the kitten to your place but then you remembered that you are rarely home, you slept at the hospital more than at your own apartment. And it's not like you can bring the small cat to the wards.

Silently cursing, you stood beside the box, the need for caffeine forgotten, as you troubleshoot on how to find a home for the kitten.

You almost gave up when you heard a voice behind you.

"Are you gonna take the kitten?"

You turned around and met the pair of golden cat-like eyes of Kenma Kozume.

You've known the guy for quite a while now, ever since when your two sleep-deprived selves ran into each other, spilling your coffee in the process.

Let it be known that the gamer also bought you an apple tart along with the replacement coffee.

You also developed a small crush on the man. You've tried to get his number but your awkward self just can't. And it's not like the two of you are close. The only interaction you have with each other are the small conversations during the occasional run-ins at the coffee shop.

You explained the situation to Kenma.

"Unfortunately, I can't keep her cause I won't be able to properly take care of her. It really sucks" you pouted.

Kenma inwardly chuckled your expression. "I can take her at my place if you want" he offered.

"Really? Are you sure won't be bothered by it?"

He shrugged, "I already have a few cats at home. Another one won't bother me"

You're pleasantly surprised by this new information. (Your heart went doki doki for a bit too.)

"That's nice. If you really want to, you can keep her" you said smiling.

Kenma hummed in response. He noticed you looking at the kitten longingly.

"Do you mind if you give me your number? I'll update you about the kitten" You we're snapped out of your reverie by his question.

You can definitely feel the blood rushing to your face. Your number? He is asking for your number? Kenma freaking Kozume is asking for your number? ARE YOU DREAMING???

Kenma took your stunned and silent expression for negative. "I-if you don't want to it's really fi-"

"YES!"

You want the earth to swallow you whole right now. You sounded so eager and excited it's embarrassing.

The long-haired man let out a relieved smile. His cheeks are also noticably rosy.

Your phone rang and you saw that your senior at work is calling you. Finally remembering that you only have a limited amount of time for your break, you hurriedly gave your number to Kenma and left to quickky buy coffee.

Later, you are back at the hospital. You can't help but look at your phone every few minutes, obviously waiting for a text, or a call.

When 6 am struck, you gave up. Who even are you to warrant a message from a guy you only see at a cafe? A guy who also happens to be a famous pro-gamer and CEO of a company. That's just crazy.

Your phone buzzed and when you picked it up, you saw a message from an unknown number.

"Hey it's Kenma", it says, "Yuki is doing okay at home. She's still a bit shy, but the others doesn't seem to mind her"

A smile was on your face all day after seeing the selfie Kenma sent you.

[lilacs-world]

I feel like I’m chronically not okay but idk if I’m valid enough to label myself as chronically ill. I am able to work 40h a week but with the cost of laying in bed the rest of the day when I’m back home. In the weekends I sleep mostly. My room is a disaster because I never have the energy to tackle the chaos. I wished I was able to walk to work and back but standing for more than 15 min is already exhausting me and I get dizzy and lightheaded. I am constantly in pain, my normal pain level is on good days at a 2 on bad days it’s at a 4 or 5 but maybe I’m too modest about my pain due to fear of admitting I’m not okay. I am always tired even if I sleep usually enough. At times I feel more refreshed with only 4 hours of sleep hell knows why. I am waking up daily at 5:45am to get myself ready for 8am work. I don’t know if I’m ever gonna be a functioning adult. I am scared of the moment I will unmask bcs im masking daily due to Audhd. Plus daily I’m confused because we are often switching and my quality at work at times fluctuating and my TLs wondering wtf bcs we know u know all the processes so wtf. Daily I feel like I know only a specific part of the processes and I have days where I ask so many questions that one of the TLs told me they are growing gray hairs bcs of me asking so much. The doctors in my country are shit when I mentioned suspecting we are a system they said nah it’s just ur anxiety. When I questioned if I have adhd my former psych said nah only kids can have it. My former therapist said yeah after unofficially diagnosing me with it. Autism I suspect that too and I got my confirmation more or less from my bf who’s on the spectrum as well. He got his confirmation he has adhd as well by me noticing lots of adhd things in him and he has now meds whilst me is in this godforsaken country that isn’t taking me seriously. I got my confirmation I have adhd when I took speed and realised for the first time "so this is how neurotypicals experience their life?" I for once had a train of thoughts in order and not a carambolage of luggage’s getting stuck in the baggage claim belt. I sobbed so hard. On good days I am able to remember and memorise lots of shit. But on bad days I barely anything. My body is out of control. I have pcos and it’s ravaging my body. I grow hair on my chin and arms and it’s making me uncomfortable and I developed anxiety about having hair in my face to the point over pluck and over shave it. My period is out of control. I either bleed for 2 months consecutive or I don’t have my period for 6 months. I am anemic due to it. I am such a pale human that I’m constantly being asked if I am okay. Oh yeah not to forget having an autoimmune disease since I am 2 years old. Having to deal with psoriasis break outs each winter where I end up being covered on my legs, arms , ass with skin patches of psoriasis. At times it’s even in my eyebrows and on my scalp. Each winter is a torture for me. I am battling with depression as well. Luckily this last year it wasn’t so overbearing and I felt more human than I used to in the past. Nonetheless my anxiety is ravaging and leaving me crippled daily. I sound ridiculous talking about myself rn bcs in my brain I feel like you aren’t this sick or unwell you are faking this you are a horrible human for saying all this things but I know it’s probably my internal ableism and the internal critical subconsciously developed voices of my surroundings telling me I’m not actually sick and I need to go to work even if sick etc. Sigh. Idk where I wanted to go with this whole post. I know you guys don’t see often a personal post from me or posts from me and more reblogs of stuff I enjoy seeing and stuff I wanna boost and stuff I find important or relatable or stuff that I think might make someone feel better and less anxious or feel seen. I hope this is fine. I hope being more real is helpful. Maybe I should do this rambling on my other blog @unfilteredrealities where I tried to talk about life in a real way , unfiltered. You can even send in your own submissions if u want to.

Anyway thanks for reading my ted talk.

TLDR: I don’t know if I’m actually chronically ill and if I’m valid enough to label myself as that and then I rambled about my life experiences with audhd, did, anxiety, depression, pcos, psoriasis and there are more but I’m exhausted.

[flowerslut]

6, 7, 22

6. What is your darkest fear about writing?

i love this question because it’s so ominous yet incredibly vague. what scares me when writing? what frightens me about the work I actually produce? is there an inherent anxiety I should be experiencing about the idea of other people reading my work? who knows! what an absolute sandbox of a question. lemme give this one a go:

nothing really scares be about writing—I’m pretty good about not letting fear or anxiety influence my process. I think the closest thing I’ve experienced to feeling writing/story-related fear is the anxiety that I won't be able to adequately write about an experience that I can't personally relate to.

I made my mark on the Tumblr-sphere around 2010-2012 and only dove head first into tumblr fandom stuff after I already had a decent following. this means that I already was doing a weird mixture of careful self-censoring while also being extremely outspoken and annoying about Calling Things Out—you’ll recognize this as The Thing virtue-signaling BNFs do where they’ll try to cancel someone who enjoys fucked up ship dynamics or problematic characters while also acting like only they have the ability to write or commentate about subjects A, B, or C because they have the “necessary” lived experiences and obviously anyone who doesn’t fit inside the personal mold of the topics they’re writing could never properly write about these topics (re: sexual assault/racism/homophobia and transphobia/etc.)—so as someone who can relate to that mindset, there will always be a smidge of anxiety over how prominent that Type of reader has become. of course, people find a lot of worth in #ownvoices, but when it becomes expected that only people in marginalized groups write about or as that group... you can see how that gets... sketchy...

that's something I'm not going to unpack here since so many other people have talked about it so much better than I could ever, but it's that problematic mindset that inspires a little bit of unease as I start considering working on/developing ofic. so I guess I could say my darkest fear (although it doesn't feel dark; it's just me being hyperaware of the current state of affairs) is that any of my writing could lose its credibility or worth if I dared to write about a lived experience outside of my own. if that makes sense 🙇🏼‍♀️

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

I love to create!!!! I love the way it makes me feel! I love the writing process, start to finish, and I love looking back on works I've written and feeling a variety of fantastic emotion!!!! I've rarely written work I wouldn't seek out to read myself, and knowing that not only am I capable of creating work that I find worthy of reading, but that I do it with regularity is a really cool thing. when I'm sitting in my bed at 2am, trying to convince myself to close my laptop and go to sleep since I've been writing for 13 consecutive hours, I'm truly in my happiest place. not to MENTION how good it feels to be able to witness your progress as a writer as time passes; THAT is a wonderful feeling and brings my joy to a whole new level ♡

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

I’ve always been super organized when it comes to writing! when I was a teenager (since I didn’t have a laptop like I do now) I kept most of my fic in this trusty thing.

and I’ve shared posts about it before that really detail how organized I got with the fics I wrote in high school, and although I definitely don’t hand write fic anymore (I still can’t believe how many years I did that for—kids these days don’t understand etc etc yada yada) my organizational process is pretty similar, only now I use my iphone notes to throw my ideas/thoughts into and I use countless spotify playlists to keep my song inspo sorted!

most of my brainstorming happens in my iphone notes app, and once I have a solid base or idea I’ll usually take that outline to scrivener and start building from there. for example, here’s roots’ scrivener doc:

and why yes, it is taking up so much space on my computer, and yes, it is overdue for a backup to my hard drive 💀 but yes, tldr; I use iphone notes and scrivener, almost exclusively!

weird questions for writers!

[astrangergivingthestrangewelcome]

What 9-5 job gave you the ability to have 8 hours to do whatever you wanted? Unless you only sleep like... 6 hours a night, tops? Which is fair. You're in Europe, right? Maybe those jobs are a little nicer in Europe than in the US?

I wish my 9-5 gave me that. It's an hour commute there and back. And I have to wake up at least 2 hours early to get ready to leave on time. And assuming I don't have any errands to run, I'm back home at 6pm at the absolute earliest. I've got about 4 hours, which usually have to be taken up by chores or making food, with no time for anything else.

The 9-5, 5 days a week, SUCKS. And studies have shown that people are only productive 4 hours out of an standard 8 hour work day. They've got to fill up the rest of those hours making themselves look busy so they don't miss out on hours, and thus money.

Lol yeah, you got me during a workweek I tend to get 6 hours a night, tops, and I'm someone who gets out of bed 15 minutes before leaving the door. I was in the states for this, however this 9-5 was like. Exceptionally wonderful, I got paid to be a historical interpreter, chat to guests, and learn how to work with leather, and I am WELL aware that the next job I get will probably not be half so fun and I might not live a walkable distance from work or have as lovely coworkers. I am simply nostalgic bc last summer felt like a dream and this summer I am in the last, very intense stages of a masters, and am working 6 days a week and also having to do school work and apply for jobs when I get home. I love my masters and the work I'm doing is actually all really useful stuff I enjoy but I can't wait til the final push is over. If someone handed me some waxed flax and some deerskin and was like "here you go champ :) spend the day making a pair of leather breeches" I might start to cry lol.

So yeah a lot of my longing is bc of my own specific situation, I am well aware that 9-5s can be really shitty depending on your work environment, however that's literally every single job, and for me personally the element of "just work at work" is so much nicer than school or being your own boss. Plus the regular schedule and always being off the same two consecutive days a week is so much better than other jobs I've worked where it's always up in the air.

But anyway obviously I am not saying everyone has to be happy at 9-5s I am just sick of the "every single moment you don't spend on your assignments is guilt time and you always feel like you're falling behind" vibe of school. 40 hrs a week sounds like a Dream rn

[jadedzer0]

I recently had 5 days off of work and got so much sleep I think it was the first time I was well rested since vacation in early October.

Cut to two nights of about 5 to 6 hours of sleep consecutively due to not being able to fall asleep and I am back to my usual level of exhaustion.

Oh did I mention I have to travel last minute for work? It does wonders for my anxiety.

[themadlostgirl]

Went to bed at midnight. Got 4 non consecutive hours of sleep. Got in my car at 6 am with a very unhappy kitten. Drove half an hour in the dark and rain out to the vet. Dropped her off. Drove home. Collapsed back into bed to sleep until 11. Proceed to have a really long dream with 5-6 different plot points.

i had a wand. I was in a beauty and the beast situation. there was a breakfast made of nothing but toast. empty hot tub. nymph made of giant pink roses. library with secret passages. and some contest to get this really famous wedding planner to design your wedding that I was competing in even though i was not engaged to anyone.

today has been weird

[frollodeathscene]

well it is 10 am and I got maybe 3 hours of consecutive sleep. between the people downstairs and the noises and the nightmares (because of course) I woke up like 5 or 6 times. I have to go out today too. last week my therapist said I should try getting better sleep because with my lack of it my sanity is going to start wearing thin again. anyway I'm going to go stand under hot water for a while

[non-electrical-outlet]

9/6/2024: Dukkha, "Hell is other people", and Adolescence Part 2

Just finished an intentional effort at a 10-minute meditation, which I desire to make a regular practice. This desire to regularly meditate is founded on intentionally opposing the encroach of digital distractions on my day to day life, providing myself with practice at simply existing in the moment.

I was awakened by my alarm at 0530 with intentions to leave the house by 0630. Despite a theoretical hour to get ready for the day, I was only really active for less than half of that time. Around 22 minutes were spent on physical and psychological comfort (returned to bed and scrolled on phone), while ~8 or more non-consecutive minutes were spent handling uncomfortable emotions.

Despite getting better sleep last night (~5-6 hours total, 1 awakening event) compared to the night before (less than 3 hours total, 1 PROLONGED awakening event), I was much more tired throughout the day and way more neurotic with social interactions. The social neuroticism is potentially attributable to SNS Activation r/t Dad; Essentially a conditioned and disproportionate anticipatory defense response to Dad's mere presence. Despite no longer posing any theoretical physical danger, responses learned in childhood can be frustratingly persistent.

Upon walking into the classroom, Kaija said hello to me and was generally friendly, but I interpreted her behavior as abnormal, even as socially threatening (I questioned if something was off about my appearance, and if that was the reason for her interaction attempt). While I could speculate endlessly on my historical social behavior patterns, I believe the most relevant factors in today's persistent social discomfort are 1) incompletely resolved sleep deprivation, and 2) personally lacking the tools (coping skills) to resolve my negative emotional state from the morning. All that happened this morning, objectively, is that the propane stove was in the basement despite asking Dad to leave it upstairs, and then Dad coming downstairs and saying "Hi" while I was trying to get ready. However, the sequelae of my childhood emotional trauma resulted in spiraling thoughts and feelings of resentment for Dad's past actions.

Not sure if I have the bandwidth to go in-depth on exogenous neurochemical drama, but it's worth mentioning here that I'm still less than a month out from quitting nicotine and weed, that I did consume alcohol + weed + nicotine on 8/31/2024 at Broderick's Birthday Bash, and that I already feel some subjective mood changes from E (Today marks Day 3). Honestly, I could use therapy just for Adolescence 2 alone, to say nothing of all the emotional drama of the past year and anxiety about the various physical and psychological demands of my future career in nursing.

*got distracted by phone, scrolling through recent messages with Halle and then past text conversations*

I think I've reached the end of my attention span for journaling today. There is a corresponding note on my phone with the same date, containing some more in the moment emotional processing that I did while on campus.

*artistic-reference-googling detour*

I also have an idea for some art, like some genuine artistic inspiration from personal experience typa-shit. Might be helpful in processing my childhood emotions. There will be many iterations that I will not be proud of, and that's just how pursuing a new art form goes. But the picture in my head is quite powerful, and may I one day be able to recreate it for others to see.

~Liv

[anonthefold]

So the grind to get progression level 50 on Ana has been going smoothly (Outside of having just the most difficult diamond-gm lobbies). I got to 45 which is great! The home stretch! I'll just have to nade the enemy 25000 times, heal 1,000,000 hp, and play for 12 more hours.

Someone once told me you develop bad habits just mindlessly playing the game and to a degree they are right. I review myself, and sometimes ask others to review me in exchange for reviewing them. My bad habit is from overall improvement which is going to sound extremely egotistical at first but here me out:

I have gotten very mechanically comfortable with Ana. she is starting to really feel like a comfort pick. Naturally as I started winning more consecutive games with her the game evolved from gold to plat to diamond. Anyone who has also do that climb will know gold players and diamond players are VASTLY different experiences. In gold you can get away with heal botting, nading the team occasionally, seeping an ult, etc etc. Plat is like gold but with more mechanical ability. Diamond is just a beast of difference. If you are heal botting and not pressuring on Ana you are literally throwing. That's like support 101, right? keep people out of critical and damage. Well yeah but the caveat to that statement is timing. In higher ELO it is more about the psychological affect of what you're doing and exploiting the human condition under duress. Predicting the future plays like where people are going to look, how long, what they are going to do and how to capitalize on it. ability tracking is critical.

Case in point: I noticed one of my recent games that the enemy kiriko loves to cleanse nade. It is a good time to do it. We had Deadeye coming up so I naded to bait out the suzu. Deadeye went off and the cass got a 3k. By the time the next team fight happens nade will be back up, or close to it, and then I can look for an opportunity post suzu to nade. Thinking like that helps a lot when approaching team fights as Ana. I'm simplifying it because there is a lot more decision making that goes into the entire process than that but that is the foundation.

Anyway back on the rails: Growth. I need to improve my ability to rotate on KotH maps as Ana. It is really challenging for me still because you have to think of using cover to move, maintaining some LoS and then think about where you are going to go next meanwhile most people play brawl or dive on those maps so you might feel a lot of backline pressure. Ana can be played mid range. She excels at having distance advantage but sometimes you have to make an assessment on wether it is even reasonable to play that far back because of map structure. Think Oasis University for example. Juggling all those game actions can be overwhelming while trying to hit your shots, tracking ability usage, and tracking player positions. But I have noticed I am getting better at that on the whole. I need to work on quick scoping as well. Those are my immediate goals. If i set too many then i feel like I will never complete any of them.

I would also like to add that I occasionally review some of my Ana games from 6+ months ago and boy oh boy. Absolutely marked improvement. I like to also think about when I first started taking Ana seriously how intimidated I was with "what if i don't hit my shots and someone dies because I can't heal them?" to where I am at now which is " that genji has blade lets sleep him the second he pops it" and I am so much more confident in that. Yeah, i miss some but the ones I hit are just absolutely stimulating.

That is where I am at with the Ana progression... and it wouldn't be a review if I didn't share a little gameplay and maybe a highlight from today's games. (It is a reference point to the closest time as of posting this and not cherry picked)

This was a KotH map match that i played this evening. I feel like my positioning was good 80%^ of the time. I could have done a lot more damage but right now I am working on survivability on these modes then when im comfortable I will start peppering in more damage.

This was the highlight from my most recent game in QP which was defending shambali monastery. This game... was more aggressive of a playstyle. I died 4 times which happened because I missed 2 critical sleeps on genji. The others were intentional deaths to reset. Our tank was incredibly aggro and went on many a spirit quest to where I would not follow. Their aggression was purely based on the enemy dps feeding charge into her and I can tell she had the murderlust with 100 charge. I've been there myself and sometimes you forget things like cover, the cart, your teammates just to get a team kill with a death ray canon disintegrating everything that glances it. But I digress, it worked... sort of. They gave up a comical amount of space that was countered by the fact that the entire enemy team would be so worn down that the rest of our team could just pick them off.

The stats are below and you can see I had the least amount of healing... but we also had a sombra who didnt need as much babysitting. It allowed me to, once again, follow up on elims with the team more efficiently.

[travelnew]

Munsiyari Khaliya Top Trekking 2024

From 13.04.2024 to 19.04.2024, we were trekking in the Raja Rambha valley facing the Panchchuli peaks in Munsiyari, Uttarakhand. These five snow clad peaks faced the East and the Sun rose behind them and they caught the setting rays of the Sun.

We were a group of 25.

↑ Photo credit: to my trek mates of MKT - 01 ↑

We had an overcast spell. The clouds were heavy and the Sun peeped out rarely. The day in the mountains usually starts around 9 am after breakfast and we used to reach the upper camp site around 3 pm. The route was short, but steep sometimes. We used to enjoyed the drizzle before or after the lunch time and sometimes we even got mild hailstorms. Overall, a pleasant weather blessed us.

Our trek route was:

Day 1 - reporting at Munsiyari.

Day 2 - Acclimatization walk to Nanda Devi temple.

Day 3 - flag off from Munsiyari to Martoli thatch, via Maheshar Kund.

Day 4 - Martoli Thatch to Rood Khan.

Day 5 - Rood Khan to Bhaisiya Tal.

Day 6 - Bhaisiya Tal to Khaliya Top and descent to Khaliya Dwar.

A vehicle picked us from Khaliya Dwar and dropped us back to Munsiyari base camp.

Day 7 - group broke after breakfast at Munsiyari.

↑ Photo credit: to my trek mates of MKT - 01 ↑

There was not a single soul in the entire trek route. No commercial group had any events here. We were the first batch - pioneers for 2024. After the base camp, there was no electricity and network. Bliss of digital detoxification. There was no light pollution too.

The entire forest of rhododendrons in red, pink and mixture were blossoming.

We crossed a waterfall too.

↑ Photo credit: to my trek mates of MKT - 01 ↑

We saw martens (animal), pug marks of bears.

↑ Photo credit: Aaneet S. (screenshot from his album) ↑

↑ Photo credit: Govind bhai (GG) ↑

And the area is known for its birds. I noticed the wisps of beard moss in the transition zone of the tree and the snow line. Beard moss make the landscape look ancient. We had an experienced trek mate, MS - who had completed a mountaineering course from NIM and he cautioned us not to step on the verglas. Verglas is a form of ice at the edges of a snow patch. It is extremely slippery and dangerous to tread on verglas. We avoided it and crossed the snow safely.

↑ Photo credit: to my trek mates of MKT - 01 ↑

I was stargazing every night and watching the Milky Way from the camp sites in the dark forest. The YHAI schedule is best and it made this possible.

6 am - bed tea.

7 am - breakfast & tea.

8 am - packed lunch.

9 am - start trekking to the next camp site.

12 pm - have the packed lunch in the mountains.

3 pm - reach the next camp site.

4 pm - welcome drink.

5 pm - tea & snacks.

6 pm - soup.

7 pm - dinner.

8 pm - symbolic camp fire.

9 pm - hot chocolate or hot coco drink.

9 pm to 5 am - घोड़े बेचकर सोना (sleep).

It used to be pitch dark after dinner. Only the torches provided some light. Symbolic bonfire 🔥 (campfire) used to happen for the next 2 hours. By 9 pm, the embers used to glow and the chill sent everyone to their tents. Before 10 pm, everyone is fast asleep. I was unlucky to have snoring trek mates in the tent. Anyway, sleep used to win and I used to wake up between 2:30 or 3:30 am to 4:30 am to stargaze.

↑ Photo credit: sarthak V. ↑

Emerging out of the tent with my camera, in the faint torch light, finding my way to align the frame of the Milky Way against a tree or a tent or a peak, I used to sit silently and click the photos. Sometimes somebody will wake up for nature's call and come out of the tent clumsily with the torch. I used to switch off my torch to avoid blinding them with the beam and I was completely invisible in my black poncho. Nobody knew that there is somebody around watching the beauty of night sky. I am sure they looked up in wonder and enjoyed the beauty of the dark night sky. I was clicking and stargazing silently and peacefully for 4 consecutive nights. Sheer bliss. I did get an opportunity to share the night sky with my trek mates on the last night and we all were enthralled by it.

This sunlit slope took us to the highest point of the trek. This dry rocky patch had some ridges to place the feet. But in most parts, it was covered by dry tufted grass, which sprung out like fountains from the rock. You cannot see what's underneath the grass.

Is the rock really there or is there a hole and how deep? So one cautiously places the foot on the slippery silky grass blades and tries to feel the firm rock below.

It so happened that a MD physician (HOD of medicine in a reputed hospital) twisted his ankle in the pursuit of crossing this patch. The organisers had Volini spray in their kit. Snow was around. It was applied to the ankle. After drying, Volini sprayed and crepe bandage was applied tightly in the figure of 8. Socks and shoes back again with 2 doses of RRA 200 and the doctor was able to trek the longest descent that started from 5.15 am to 3 pm.

(I had carried the bandage, homeopathic medicines & the snow was impromptu for RICE). Sadly only the R and E could not be applied as one has to come down. It is always desriable that medical service or attention is never required in the treks or trips.

The last descent from Khaliya top to Khaliya dwar was long and monotonous. we all were thankful when it ended.

↑ Photo credit: to my trek mates of MKT - 01 ↑

The cooking staff of YHAI welcomed us with inviting meals that we relished to our heart's content. There used to be a sweet dish like gulab jamuns/ kheer/ sheera even at the higher camps. Kudos to YHAI to provide fresh, delicious and nutritious meals all along the trek.

↑ Photo credit: Govind bhai ↑

↑ Photo credit: to my trek mates of MKT - 01 ↑

↑ With YHAI Trek leader, RT ↑

The certifcates were given by YHAI's RT Sir and GG Sir.

↑ Photo credit: to my trek mates of MKT - 01 ↑

Overall, the entire experience was great. YHAI Delhi provided us with steel plates, spoons and mugs in all the camps even after leaving the base camp. The sleepings bags were of good quality that provided warmth even in the high altitude. The tents stay was warm and comfortable. All this was possible with YHAI trek leaders and the volunteering by the honarary members who were our camp leaders. I look forward to many more trekking expeditions with YHAI.

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Check out my travel diary from Mumbai to Munsiyari & helicopter ride here.

As I passed Delhi twice in my travel, enjoy my Delhi-Gurgaon travel diary here.