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#I hate so much of what I'm seeing these days lol
buckgasms · 15 hours
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Hi, I have been absolutely loving your blog, mostly the Daddy!Bucky & Princess stories (but let’s be honest who doesn’t love Bucky 🥰😂!) and I was wondering about something..
I had my birthday recently and was wondering how the 2 of them would celebrate? U can make it as fluffy or smutty as u would like, and it’s okay if it takes a while for u to write, I have one every year so it will be close enough to each of them 😉
Keep up the good work and I cant wait to see more of your stories and imagination come to life 🥰
First of all @nicoline1998enilocin I am so sorry! This request is so old it's probably almost your birthday again 🫣 but I kept it in my inbox because I really love it and I wanted to do it justice, which hopefully is done for you today.
And also, happy birthday 🎂🎈 thank you for preempting my uselessness and for sending in a lovely ask!
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So let's start with Bucky's birthday:
- You try your absolute best to wake up first so you can give him birthday head but I feel like he would also be happy at waking you up too.
- Either way it's an X-rated morning lol.
- You managed to sneak out of his arms long enough to rush out to the kitchen and grab the pretty cakes you made the day before.
- He appears in the living room to find you sitting amongst his presents, a little cupcake and a candle lighting up your pretty face.
- Kneeling down he looks at you for a moment before blowing out his candle. He cups your cheek in a warm hand and pulls you in for a kiss.
- I'm not sure what you'd get for a criminal CEO who has everything but you manage to get him some lovely gifts.
- Stationery is always good, and some books. Maybe a nice watch? Shirts? Sunglasses?
- Plus you have a few little bags filled with pretty lingerie and toys that you figured he would enjoy.
- The present unwrapping ends with him cuddling you and kissing you all over, snuggling up as he thanks you for all the wonderful gifts.
- But you are the best gift he's ever had.
- I feel like there would also be an unspoken agreement that any time the birthday boy wants to have his princess, he gets her.
- Doesn't matter where you are, or what's happening. He just grabs you, pins you down or presses you up against a wall and takes what's his.
- Without knowing when it's happening you spend the day in a state of giddy excitement and desire.
🎂
- Daddy is the kinda guy who does big parties, but actually hates them when they are happening.
- He spends a bit of time chatting to his friends, opening some gifts and eating delicious canapes, but his mind is preoccupied.
- Because of you.
- You have dressed up in a little pink dress that looks exactly like a ribbon on top of a present. And he wanted to unwrap you right then and there.
- And perhaps in fact you told him that he could? As a special birthday treat?
- He'd managed to resist so far, but now he just wants his pretty present.
- He sidles up behind you and wraps his arms around you, pressing kisses to your shoulder and neck. You giggle as he tugs gently at the end of the bow.
- Much to both of your surprises it falls off quite quickly and drops to the floor. Some of the guests notice and clap, as you giggle twirling around and pressing yourself into Bucky's chest.
- "Much better I must say" he mutters into your ear and brushes his nose along yours before stealing a kiss from you. He deepens it as your arms wrap around him, holding you close.
- People actually sigh and swoon.
- Maybe you dance a little or maybe he just waves his guests goodbye as you walk with him up the stairs to the bedroom.
🎂
Now let's talk about Princess' birthday:
- He wakes you up with kisses and surrounds you with presents on the bed.
- I also think he would get you a tiara because you are a Princess.
- All the presents are so perfect, he gets you all those little things that you have mentioned over the past few months.
- Maybe some nice jewellery, books, dresses, colouring books, a new phone? New supplies for arts and crafts? Teddy bears?
- Also he's taking you to Italy...
🎂
- He spends the day pampering you, pleasuring you and treating you like the princess that you are.
- I think he would take you out for lunch, but he'd make sure the whole restaurant was booked so you weren't disturbed.
- He's gonna fuck you right there as well because you look so beautiful and happy and he can't resist you.
- I think you have permission to come anytime you want on your birthday. All you have to do is say, "Daddddy" and bat your pretty eyelashes and he'll be there to make you feel all better.
🎂
- A similar party ensues, although probably a smaller crowd because you prefer it that way.
- You take your time opening presents, giving big hugs to all of the gifters and showing Daddy what you got.
- Despite a whole day of sex on tap, you still feel a hit desire for him. He just looks so divine and delicious.
- And he knows you are dying for him so he asks Natasha to give you your present as he drags you into his lap, pretty skirt of your dress covering your lap.
- You squeak as his hand slides up your thigh and into your underwear, rubbing and sliding into your soaked heat.
- "Just can't get enough can ya? I can feel how swollen and used this pretty cunt is Princess, and still you want more hmm? Such a good girl. God I'm so lucky..."
- His whispering all this filth in your ear as you unwrap your present. You do your absolute best to thank Natasha and focus on what she's brought you, but his fingers are curling and pressing into that magical spot inside that sends your brain into a fog.
- You basically stay like that until the party ends. Everyone gives you a birthday kiss before they leave and you smile and wave as they go.
- Leaning back on Bucky's chest you let out a little whine, as he continues to make a mess of you.
- "Ready for your last present?"
🎂
- Much like his birthday the evening will end with something very special.
- I think he'd purchase something really kinky for his birthday, and something even kinkier for yours 😂
- I also like the idea of it all being a bit silly. Like you have to sing happy birthday to him as he spanks you, and if you get distracted he starts again.
- Ooh what about those candles you can use in the bedroom?? He'd turn you into his little birthday cake, eating you out but you have to stay still otherwise you get wax on you?
- Or instead of a gag he puts a cupcake in your mouth and you have to hold it tight without eating it.
- Frosting.
- I feel like these would work for both your birthdays because let's face it, being Daddy's plaything is as much a treat for you as it is for him 💞
- But always ending in cuddles, a nice bath and a reminder of how much he loves his Princess, how his life is better with you, how lucky he is and how he wants every birthday, every day spent with you 💞
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solradguy · 2 days
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Kind of heavy.
The other day I saw a video of a Russian soldier surrendering to a Ukrainian drone. He had gaunt cheeks, his leg was covered in blood, he had wide, staring, eyes. Someone pointed out he was wearing a wedding ring. There were bomb craters all around him. He cowered when the drone got too close. He couldn't have been much older than me.
One of the comments said something sort of like, "In the early internet you would have to go to specific websites to see grievously wounded children, graphic footage from wars, the last words of condemned men. Now you can find it on the front page of every social media site. You can rewatch the death of a human being with a family at home, with hobbies and a favorite meal, from thousands of miles away through the eyes of machines, recorded in languages you will never know."
And we encourage others to watch these videos and look at these photos. Why? Who is it really helping? Is feeling like we're sharing in their suffering by watching and spreading them through some morbid sense of justice as good as actually doing something? It is good to be aware of these issues, we need to know what's going on in places like Ukraine, Lebanon, and Palestine right now, but man... I can't take this anymore
I'm sorry if I unfollow some people. There is only so much I can blacklist and some things still get through it. I've been in a pit this entire year and I hop online to catch up with friends and interests and it's just endless death and doom. I follow some world news outlets and still get updates on things that way, but I seriously need to make changes to my personal online spaces.
The drone video I saw yesterday and the comment with it have been rattling around my mind for a few days now. Watching these things isn't helping anyone or anything. I know things are bad, I know people need help. Making myself watch these anyway, like it's raising some "awareness" or something, is just making me depressed, cranky, and isolationist.
I hardly draw anymore unless someone pays me to. My 3D printer has a layer of dust on it. Translations I could have done months ago sit unopened in my editor. I've been kind of downplaying how bad this year has been but it has been bad. I don't think I've been in a headspace like this since I was in high school. I'm like a friggin cat and don't like it when people worry for me so I stay quiet about it and just get grumpy instead lol
I hate unfollowing people and breaking mutuals with friends, but I seriously need to, and I'm sorry...
I understand I really didn't need to make a post like this and could have just quietly unfollowed people, but I'm making it anyway to hopefully encourage other people in dark mental pits to make similar changes for the better to their spaces.
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kingofbodyrolls · 23 hours
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For this rainbow, I finally picked up my professional camera again. The last images stored there tells me that the last time I used it was the 1st of December 2023. Wild. But I picked it up thanks to this pretty rainbow, which was actually a double rainbow. So pretty. This image is made up of three into a panorama shot, and Lightroom was a bit funky with putting them together, so please don't mind the badly processed house in the middle; no, we're not looking at that 😂
For people who want a wall of text status update, it's under the cut.
How are you all doing? I'm hanging in there. Not active much, but I still haven't gotten myself into deleting my tumblr app. So I still see and get all your notifs, even if I don't reply right away! I'm still taking time off, trying to figure out what I want to do with the blog for the future... I have not written a fanfic in some time now, but I have two finished stories that are ready to be published, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure about a lot of things these days... I've had dark days, written a lot of sad and dark poems (that will go on my sub blog some time in the future), and I've begun to write an original story. It's really fun; about magic, witches and mages; about good and evil and all the gray in between. It will probably bore you, but it's fun to write, even though I don't think anyone would read it except for a few friends (even though this thing might be the longest thing I'll write, turning into either two or three books lol).
Serotonin boost I get happy when I get notifs with comments and/or reblogs of my stories; it really touches my heart. To be honest, this is why I left/taking time off. I've always felt that interaction was low, and my stupid brain will not let me stop comparing myself to others, so it slowly killed my drive for writing and posting. If no one interacts, what's the point of posting? If no one interacts, what's the point of writing? But I love writing, and it's one of my creative outlets, so I couldn't let that go completely, hence I started writing original stories instead; no ones gonna read them anyway, but I can still play with characters, world building and storytelling. Those are the things I loved about fanfics---and I still do, don't get me wrong. But I feel so discouraged being on here. But I'm happy to know that a few people still care.
The Downfall This also made it quite hard for me to read; because I felt so unmotivated... I haven't read much this month at all. I tried to read a fanfic this Monday, didn't finish it and haven't picked it up since. Honestly, I've just been watching documentaries because I'm in a (tumblr) slump. I feel drained though; I feel like I've given so much, and I love it. I love making people happy, leaving lovely reviews, and it's as much for myself as it is for making another person happy---but to be honest, it has drained me. I know I shouldn't ask for anything in return, but I feel imbalanced. Like I'm not being filled with much love, if that makes sense? I don't really feel appreciated, but don't get me wrong, I don't feel hated (yeah, I'm so good at being black and white), sorry---I know I sound very pessimistic. But you guess have always been so kind to me, and I love you a lot, and I have a few super lovely mutuals and friends that are lovely internet friends that I adore, so I wanted to be real with all of you. You can hate me for it if you want to. Go ahead.
I don't think I'm going to make a recommend list this month. I haven't really read anything, so it'll be really small. And I don't like the pressure of it anymore... which is why for a long time I've thought about not doing them anymore. Maybe some day I will again in the future. But I'd still love to make rec list on the member's birthdays! And I think this will help me, take some pressure off myself (that I've created myself), so I'll still read and rec, it will just be slower---whenever I feel like it, and not because I have to read to make a monthly rec list. This isn't my job, I'm not getting paid doing all of this, and the amount of time I've been spending on both reading and writing is more than 37+ hours a week, sooo. I have to slow down.
A part of me thinks that I flew too fast, too high and too close to the sun, lol. I'm still gonna be here, you can still send in asks for rec list or whatever you want, all is welcome (except hate, because then I'll simply just delete my blog, my mental health can't take that).
To post, or not to post? Should I post the two stories that I have? Both of them are for the series Friendcation.
And for the unfinished mermaid stories I still have left, I hope I'll finish them in the future; when, I don't know. Maybe one day I'll feel love for them again, to finish them. I have them all planned out, but like I mentioned before, with low interaction, I'm really not motivated to finish them, even though part of me really want to for the like five people that are so sweet and invested, and always comments and reblogs (you guys know who you are, and I love you so fucking much 🥰).
To all the stories I'll probably never write...
I still have some other unfinished but planned stories, and I'm gonna list them here, just for the hell of it. Don't know if people would have found them interesting anyway, but here goes:
Words on a Page (a Namjoon x reader, idol!au where reader is a fanfiction writer and interviewer for a magazine and has to interview BTS). Author's comment: probably never gonna write it. It has been done before, and it was just a very very silly dream I had.
Songs of The Heart (a Jimin x reader, musician!au where Jimin is a single father and reader moves into the house next to his, hear his lonely songs etc, they meet, talk, very angsty, sad and nostalgic and 'Who' coded). Author's comment: this idea came to me after listening to 'who' and then thinking about Jimin being my next door neighbor, yeah, that's it. Don't know if this will ever get written.
IT Support (a Jimin x reader, office!au where Jimin is your nerdy coworker, but a freak in the sheets, lol). Author's comment: this has honestly been on my list for years, but I never written anything for it, and I probably never will, even though I've made the banner and all.
I do have a few more, but I've already scraped those, and then there's the four mermaid stories to add to the list. I'm probably mostly excited about the mermaid stories, and those would be my priority if I ever get back into writing fanfiction again.
I swear, I'm almost finished... Okay, this whole thing has gotten incredibly long. Sorry. Before I end this post, I just want to say how happy and grateful I am to each and everyone of you. I've met some incredible nice people on here, some really caring ones. I'll never forget that. And I'll never forget each wonderful and lovely comment, some people have really helped me, motivated me when I felt low, and when I wanted to stop writing a few months back. Thank you. I kept going, and I wish I could keep going for you, making something special, for the special people I met here. I actually really wanted to do requests for you guys in hopes that it would motivate me into writing, but I just don't know. I still want to give so much back to the people who have hyped me up, so I'm going to tag a few of you lovely people--- if you have a request for a story, you're welcome to message me or send me an ask. I don't know if or when I'll write it, but in case I get a bit of motivation, I have some things I could write from, so if you want to, you can send me a request (just keep in mind the story will probably be a one-shot from 10-20k max or maybe shorter, lol, you never know with me). You don't have to send me a request, I simply want to give back to some lovely people. I wish I could hug you.
@letjungcoook7 @honeybloomyyyy @babystarcandyjk97 @minpdrecs @bobathi @allie-is-a-panda @back2bluesidex @gimeow @antisocial-mochi267
These are but just a few of the people that have supported me on there, either by commenting, reblogging, ask, messaging--you name it. I could list many others, and one day I might make a post celebrating all mt lovely mutuals, that means a lot to me. Thank you for interacting; you've (as long with others) helped me when times were tough. Thank you.
I had actually planned to open a "recommend a fic" section/box, but I'm not sure about that. I still have so many fics on my to read list, and right now I don't want to pile more onto it. Might do it in the future, when I've finally made it through my own lists.
Okay, I have to end this post for real now.
I'm still on tumblr, I still have my app. I deleted my discord app on my phone, but I'm still part of the servers I was before, I'm just not active. It's better for me that way right now, because it all got to be too much. I was just reminded of how much of a failure I feel like (no, we're not getting into that not, store it away). But you can always contact me here. I'm lurking sometimes. I look forward to reading in a more leisurely pace and hopefully not feeling pressured to make the rec lists as I did before (even though just for the completionist in me I want to finish them for just this year, lol).
Okay. If you read this far---thank you, I adore you, I love you, you're nice, keep going 💜
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johnwickb1tsch · 1 day
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I demand when John met Helen (please?🥺)
Anything for you, my love! 😘😘😘
(this is an outline-ish thing from...last january? I don't know if ill ever truly write it out, so here's the whole caboodle)
warnings: violence, serious amts of shmoop
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Helen goes to a rare book shop curious if they can fix the binding of her dog eared copy of Jane Eyre. They quote her an insane price. She has a meet cute with John in the shop. Maybe she's looking through the classics, trying to find a copy of Jane Eyre so she doesn't destroy her other one more. Maybe she tells him she can't afford to fix her copy. She brought it in to ask. He is sheepish about it, but he says he could fix it for her. “What would you charge?” 
“Nothing. It's a hobby for me. I do it for relaxation.” 
“Wow. Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. You'd be doing me a favor. I could use a new project.”
She cants her head, looking at him. Weighing him. He finds himself standing up a little straighter, hoping he'll make the cut. 
“Ok. But you at least have to let me buy you lunch.” 
“I would like that,” he admits. 
“Deal.” She holds out her hand to shake. He takes her small hand in his, and doesn't want to let go. 
So he fixes her book. 
They go to lunch. And when it's time to part ways, they don't really want to. They go for a walk. And keep talking. He shyly asks if he can take her to dinner. She agrees eagerly. They fall in love in the span of a week, or maybe just that one perfect day. 
They have a date set but John has to text her to say he's not feeling well. She offers to bring him soup. He says that sounds amazing, but he doesn't want her to see him like this. In truth, he was working, and things got out of hand. He's told her he works in security. But she is not prepared for how he looks. 
Black eye. Cuts on his face. Bruised ribs. Bruises everywhere, really. 
She worries that he's trying to break their date. Making up an excuse. He can hear it in her voice. Scared he’ll lose her, (and wanting badly to see her) he agrees to let her come over that night, not sure how it will go. 
He thinks about his Manhattan apartment. Expensive, modern, very few personal touches. He's afraid she'll hate it. 
When she comes over with takeout she is shocked, and teary eyed. Seeing him in pain like this hurts her. 
“Oh my god, John, what happened to you?” 
“Sometimes, my work gets a little...spicy?” 
Lol. She just looks at him. That look. 
“I'm guessing you can't actually tell me what happened.” 
With a sad smile he shakes his head. “I want to share everything I can with you,” he admits. “But some things, it's better you don't know.” 
She chews on her lip as he tells her this. He wonders if this will be their deal breaker. But in the end she nods. “Ok, John. I trust you.”
Hearing that makes him feel better than the pain pills he'd taken earlier. 
“We could...watch a movie?” he offers, thinking snuggling with her in his arms might fix him. 
“Okay.” 
He falls asleep halfway through, and she holds him, looking at his wounds. He looks so boyish and innocent in his sleep. She fights not to cry. 
To make up for ruining their date night he offers to cook her dinner. Afterwards they kiss, in front of the window, the lights of New York shining down below. He pulls her against him, squeezing her in his strong arms like he can't get enough of her. It steals her breath away, she wants him so much.
Later,  they're out and about. She hugs him under his suit jacket, feels a blocky shape at his back. “Are you...carrying a gun?” 
“Honestly, I'm usually carrying a gun,” he admits.
After the business that went sideways, he doesn't want to get caught unawares. He can tell she doesn’t like it, but trusts him enough to go along with it. 
“Ok…”
Something happens where she gets to see him in action. It's awesome... and scary, honestly. Maybe they're walking to his car when they're ambushed by five guys. The leader is like, “Evening, John.”
“This isn't a good time, Mickey.”
M looks between Helen and John with a leer. “No time like the present, I say.”
They fight, and John lays them all out. In the end he’s taken Micky’s gun and is about to shoot him in the face. It's instinct and reflex. Finish the job. But he hears a gasp behind him. Looks to see Helen looking terrified. So he disassembles the gun. Drops all the bullets into Mickey’s face before throwing the pieces at him. 
“Come on, sweetheart, let's go.” They drive away. She is in shock. 
Afterwards, they go park somewhere with a view of the city below. She is only looking at him though. “I scared you,” he says. It's not really a question. 
“Yes and no,” she answers honestly. “I don't believe you would ever hurt me.” 
“Good. It's the truth.” 
“But I…” She trails off.
“It's OK,” he sighs, feeling so tired inside. “You can say it.” 
“I'm not sure I really believe your job is legal, John.” 
He sighs and looks at the steering wheel. “You... might be right about that.” 
She nods. His heart is in his throat. This is it. This is how he loses her, he's convinced. And she has every right to leave. He never had any business pursuing her in the first place, but…it feels like dying. 
He waits for the axe to fall, his eyes squeezed closed. 
“I don't know how to reconcile the man I saw today, and the man I know who repairs books, and cooks me gourmet dinners, and takes me on long walks while holding my hand.” 
John rests his forehead on his steepled fingers. “I’ve...never really had a choice. I was trained from childhood, to do what I do, for very bad people. It doesn't excuse me...but it is what it is. Maybe I enjoyed it, once. I am not a good man. But now…” He looks at her, with the look of a drowning man. “I would give anything, just to have you.” 
There are tears in her eyes too, he realizes. 
“Do you have to do it, forever?” she asks. “Is there no way out?” 
He shakes his head, to himself as much as her. “It's very rare,” he tells her. “And very difficult.”
She nods, and moves closer. “Will you hold me?” 
“Always.” 
He pulls her in close, thinking he could die happy like this, with her in his arms. 
Later, he asks point blank. He has to know, he can't contain it. “Are you leaving me, Helen?”
He's so certain the answer is yes. She'll try to let him down softly. I'm not sure I can do this. It's not you, it's me. 
He can hardly believe his ears when she answers, “You're not getting rid of me that easily, John Wick.”
He's not sure if the sound he makes is a laugh or a sob. He kisses her, desperate for the affirmation of her love, hardly able to believe his luck. He feels like his heart might explode, for all the love he feels for this woman. 
“I love you so fucking much,” he growls as he kisses her like he might devour her. 
Likewise, she tells him with tears in her eyes and her fingers in his hair. “Don't stop kissing me.” 
“Never,” he tells her. 
The next week he finds himself buying a ring. 
And the week after that, he finds himself bargaining with Viggo Tarasov, his freedom in exchange for slaughtering all of the boss’s rivals in one mad night of mayhem. 
If anyone can do it, it’s John Wick.
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moregraceful · 19 days
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my east coast friends, when they came to visit me in california, would always be like oh my god, kas you live like this? when i drove them on our freeways. kas you know there's a better way to create a highway that isn't needlessly dangerous right?? six lanes wildly unsafe merges for three different highways?? OKAY??? AND??? I JUST PAID OHIO $21.25 TO DRIVE ACROSS THE STATE. TWENTY-ONE AMERICAN DOLLARS. I DROVE FROM CALIFORNIA TO IOWA PAYING ZERO DOLLARS AND NOW ILLINOIS, INDIANA, OHIO, AND PENNSYLVANIA WANT ME TO PAY FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF DRIVING ON AN INTERSTATE? THAT'S A PUBLIC HIGHWAY. FUCK OFF. i think i paid over $40 in tolls across four states and for WHAT. my tempestuous assignation with the capricious i-80 comes to a catastrophic end. i yearn for the stress of a wyoming lightning storm. like bro what is that $21 even paying for?? the nicer rest stops sorry "service plazas"? what?? i don't WANT a clean bathroom and a dunkins, i want a suspect bathroom in a building that looks like it was made by laura ingalls wilder's dad, a beautiful scenic view, and a trucker looking at me appraisingly from across the median!! i want americana and human connection, i don't want a latte made by a teenager that will make my stomach hurt!! "ohhh kas bay area highways are a nightmare there is no reason for it to be this bad" WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY FOR A PUBLIC HIGHWAY. NONE OF US HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS. THE PROBLEM IS USAMERICAN INFRASTRUCTURE!!
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crownedwille · 6 months
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I've come to the conclusion that loving young royals doesn't mean I can't be critical about it, maybe especially bc I love the show so much I have such strong feelings about it, good and bad and I can love parts of canon and agree with it and appreciate it but I don't have to love it all. I have accepted that it's okay if I don't accept the ending and I don't have to force myself to support it. It's okay to not agree with all of canon and it's okay to not side with all of the creators' intentions/views. Loving a show doesn't mean you have to take everything the writers say on face value and that's the only version that is allowed to exist. Canon isn't everything and fandom is about curating your own experience that makes you happy and not miserable. You don't have to dismiss canon in every aspect and ignore it entirely, that's certainly not what I want but there is a fine line between being canon respectful, allowing some parts to exist and sometimes, yes, you just have to say "fuck canon" and move on for your own sanity and wellbeing
#especically in the first two weeks of a new release everyone is feelings lots of intense emotions ranging from ecstatic to angry#everything in between is a part of it and i know i'm also feeling very strongly about it right now#i always try to stay levelheaded and rational and see things from an objective pov and be diplomatic about discourse#i don't want any of what i say drift off too much into meaningless hate instead of the constructive criticism it's supposed to be#but when you feel so strongly about something and sometimes you really just wanna say yeah i fucking hate it lol#but i always try to explain why and give understandable arguments and not just blindly hate on something#for example - I'm aware there are fans who have some problems with s2 and don't love the season whereas i do and it's my fave#and there is a difference between expressing some criticism and justified concerns which you can understand where it comes from#and those who are just like 'oh it's a horrible season. it was so shitty and we should get rid of it' which is dumb hate and just not true#and i can't support people like that and take them seriously#i can have my own issues with s3 from a subjective pov which can also include some justified criticism as well#but also still acknowledge it as a truly good piece of tv media and the quality is top notch#and that's why you have such high expectations and have critique because it is so good and sets such a high standard#yrtalk#with that being said i understand ppl not wanting to see any critic about it if they are riding the high of happy wilmon endgame#but that doesn't mean that i can't express my own opinions on my own blog and i will continue to do so#and maybe one day i will feel differently and accept or even like the ending who knows#but it doesn't have to happen. it's fine if it does but it's also fine if it doesn't
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chiimeramanticore · 9 days
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#im not dead quit asking#I'm just really really really not doing well#sorry if i scared anyone. that wasnt my intent#things got. let's say worse. for me irl. more complicated for sure#i hate to publicize my breakdown I really do. but maybe i... need this? in a weird way?#i haven't really been adjusting well to having a platform online. that's not anyone's fault but mine ofc#i feel that my 'fans' (if ive earned the right to call them that) dont and frankly cant ever care for me as a person#i dont know you and you dont know me. you dont know all of me at least. just what i make public. what i allow others to see#i had it kinda bullied into me that i need to keep my mouth shut abt my own issues. and ive spent a lot of this year trying to unlearn that#maybe publicizing this is a bad idea anyway#I just know ive been more honest abt my emotions and my personal life with my friends and my partner#and not everyone enjoys it but i know I'm not like. traumadumping so i feel somewhat assured that anyone who doesnt wanna hear abt my life-#-probably wasnt all that interested in forming a close relationship w me to begin with. even if theyre friendly at first#everyone else; the people who I know care about me; have shown me that through their actions#my point is being honest abt how youre doing w other ppl is a good idea. revolutionary i know lol#and i still don't know a lot of you personally but#parasocial or not i got some very genuine sounding messages while I was gone. and i. feel really bad that i worried those people#I guess theres my proof that people would care if i disappeared suddenly. people would notice pretty quick it seems#im never gonna kms btw. even if i didnt have the support i have im simply too stubborn to die lol. to put it lightly#and to those who thought this was abt fandom drama: it's not. those who shall not be named are genuinely the least of my problems these days#I'm on a journey of self actualization. or something. im trying to get my shit together. im trying to stop being clinically depressed lol#but god keeps throwing wrenches in my plans and. i beat myself up about it too much#but that's just life. they say you make a plan and god laughs#im. trying to be okay with just riding the wave. im impatient but if i keep trying to somehow speed up time im just gonna exhaust myself#which I think is where im at now. burnt out#and on top of all that i still feel this need to like. perform for you guys#if i dont keep making content everyone will forget i exist. if i dont make another video essay this year can i even call myself a youtuber#etc etc. its the spiral its impostor syndrome we've all been there#im trying to end this on a positive note but idk. i dont have all the answers yet#hoping i figure it out soon. i hope you dont forget me in the meantime
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steakout-05 · 8 months
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*clenched fists, head on the table, white knuckled, seething, hyperventilating, visible veins showing, sweating, about to burst into tears, shaking violently, going to explode*
it's.... spelled........ JON.............. arbuckle........
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gottagobuycheese · 2 years
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Not only that, she recognised a few familiar faces, too. Such as a short height with bandages tightly wrapped around in one arm…
[Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Isn't this our little Flame Dragon?!]
Uriel dashed towards the figure of the Abyssal Black Flame Dragon and performed a head-lock.
[Keuk! An enemy's sneak attack?!]
[It's me, your Archangel noonim.]
[Release me at once!]
Hugtober Day 6/? - Good? In My Evil?? It’s More Likely Than You Think!
[ID: A greyscale piece of digital fanart depicting Uriel and the Abyssal Black Flame Dragon from Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint. Uriel, dressed in a black dress with a metallic edge and anklets, stands behind the Abyssal Black Flame Dragon and grins widely as she noogies him. Her six feathery wings spread out behind her, and a simple halo hovers over her head. The Abyssal Black Flame Dragon appears in his human form, wearing a black sweatshirt and ripped dark gray jeans with a black belt around his right thigh and two chains looping from both hips. His left arm is wreathed in bandages, and his cheeks are covered in scales. Two short horns poke out from his ruffled black hair, and his two bat-like wings bunch up behind him as he’s held against Uriel. He glares up at his captor, his right hand tugging at the arm around his neck and his left shoving up against Uriel’s elbow as she digs her fist into the top of his head. /end ID]
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fitzselfships · 10 days
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My paranoia is like. Super bad lately (it's really bad today for some reason) and I haven't been checking notifications, asks, messages, etc as a result so pls just know I'm not ignoring anyone!! Just struggling with the mental illness stuff
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devilsskettle · 6 months
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i hate that this website has location based ads now like it's one thing to promote the local grocery store chain to me but i am seeing ads for my workplace now :/
#stop it......#i don't want to go back but this is the last sick day i can reasonably take#i probably should've gone back today but i told them when i was still feeling worse that i wasn't coming in.......#ohhhh i dread going in tomorrow so much. i don't even dislike this job i just hate being somewhere everyday#each day feeling its meaninglessness...... my meaninglessness in the space.......... the repetition and redundancy#selling people who don't need to be there things that they don't need#standing all day long just fucking bored#hoping that enough has happened since i've been gone that people can fill me in#ugggh because it's soooo boring but stressful to have to generate conversation with the same people every day#when nothing new ever happens#and i get sick of everybody even the people that i like and i don't really think anybody likes me that much either#i guess i felt this when i worked there part time but because i only had to be there part time it wasn't this constant gnawing feeling#and they didn't have me in the shop all the time....... this schedule is fucking killing me#i walk there i stand all day and i walk home#that's one of the reasons i haven't come back in yet - i was so dizzy and nauseous that the idea of standing all day was like.#i obviously can't fucking do that even if i would otherwise feel well enough to come in#if i had a sitting job then it wouldn't matter if i was a little dizzy#but getting back and forth to work and then standing for 8 hours. even when i'm feeling well it's kind of a lot#idk i guess i'm pretty unhappy with this job and where i am in life etc but i can't quit rn because what else would i do#there's literally job of this type that is going to pay as well and have good benefits#and i'm not qualified yet for the type of work i hope to do in the future#so i just gotta wait it out but it feels like. endless.#sigh anyway i'm just lazy lol#all this is to say. stop putting ads for my workplace on my dash lol i don't need to see all that
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talkorsomething · 3 months
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want to cut my hair again like you wouldn't believe. What are the possible consequences of going bald
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#actually i dont mean bald i just mean all one guard length#but hhhhh maybe i'm in an awkard stage maybe not i just CANNOT live like this#middle part is frustrating because it's not perfect in the way it sits side part is frustrating because i look like a girl#i feel like i could go all in with the 4 and then sorta texture a bit with the 2 guard HOWEVER having used the 4 previously. i know#how short that is. it might not look good so i worry#the bright side is it would grow out a bit by the time of the parade but augh i hate this#i'm currently a tightly wound ball of rage sorry. i didn't eat much of anything 2day#tried to call the hospital to get help with the letter/consulation thing preceding top surgery and they were NOT OPEN so idk if they will#be open tomorrow or not. the passage of time has gotten very vague all of a sudden#iiiiiii do not think i am doing well. lol. idk why though! god forbid any of it have a reason#i almost wish i'd relapse just so i could like. eat food again#idk i don't think it would solve it but i feel in my heart it might make things easier#buuuut because relapse is Bad For Me i guess i have to avoid it. well i want to anyways.#one bad day would not a reset make but my previous day happened this year already so...#i dunno it's been so long that i feel like it's not valid or whatever cause it was at an age where i can say it was a 'phase'#.............. i dunno what to do with that information. anyways.#i mean so what if i went all in on it again anyways? i kinda miss it lol. it's not like i could do any serious harm??#(potential infections aside.)#i just want to be creative and i CANT because my stupid brain will NOT think of anything#and the majority of what i have concretely written of this was written... get this .... right when i was trying to stay clean at first#correlation does not equal causation ........ sighs#i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle because i WANT IT to be that bad again#i've never really regretted it & it's never really been because of anything#i just started because i was curious about why someone would do that. that's all#i dont think i've EVER had any of the mental distress i see people in when theyre in these spaces#in one journal entry i made this big deal about wanting to kill myself but *i didn't want to*. i never did.#like sorry old me but it is REALLY hard to believe i've ever been depressed depressed#i just want things to be better and they never are :/ this should be everything i wanted and its just ... not#i'm not really sure how to ....... oh tag limit ok hold on
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non-un-topo · 2 years
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Spending hours trying to figure out why I feel so irritable and sensitive today and I’m only realizing now it might have something to do w being invited to a birthday party full of an entire family I’ve never met and like seven very small children and the person inviting me assuming I would love that. I want to support her bc I like her and she’s family now, but I cannot---I will not---go to another family event and be pushed into the kitchen doing dishes with the women or cooing over someone’s baby who just stares at me and whines when I try to mask and say hello.
#my period ended so it ain't that.#maybe i'm a horrible person. i just want to be left alone for seven solid days. and i certainly do not want to be forced-#-to interact with children. they scare me. real bad.#maybe this also has something to do with my readings for this week and the fact that we're going to be discussing 'womanhood'.#like the subject is 'what IS a woman to you?' and i am not really looking forward to listening to 15 cis girls tell me-#-how awful it is and how much pain they themselves endured while entirely not acknowledging the existence of trans women#or gnc women.#why am i so irritable jfc.#every time i talk like this to my partner they give me that look lol. the look that's like 'uh huh. i know a trans person when i see one.'#and i'm like shhhhhhh. no. don't say that. shhhh. i don't want to be. i hate myself okay and my family scared me out of it.#wish i could fucking shapeshift. wish i was just fucking born with a dick and a flat chest. actually i wish i was two people.#so i could decide from day-to-day and not have to worry about irreversible changes.#how much of my alleged transness is just internalized misogyny? <- this is a question i ask very very quietly to myself#because i think it's what my mother thinks. and most of the world.#how do i learn to be comfortable AS a masculine woman? i have no one to look up to who can teach me or show me it's okay.#i have transmasc friends who are elated to go on T. i'm scared that they will make me want to do it again. why tf am i scared of that...#irreversible changes. society. literally everything. fucking hell............#no one talks about this particular experience of gender. no one talks about the in-between and the immense fear. at least no one to me.#why am i even taking gender studies in university if every class is full of cis women who don't even know the terminology of transness#or of gender-expansiveness...#i think i've become a very sour person in the last few years.#need to vent through writing or something. like through fanfiction.
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waiting for my period to start is literal terror like i can hear the metaphorical suspenseful music playing and feel nervous and can’t stop checking to see if he’s here and can’t stop thinking about when will it come? will i need to throw away any underwear this time? what if it comes in the middle of the night? should i just sleep on a towel?
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francy-sketches · 1 year
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Hope you’re ok btw ❤️
yea im ok dw <3 just kinda bummed out by the whole thing but whateverrr we move on twitter doesn't matter anyway ^_^
also idk if you sent me another ask or if that was a different anon but. I'm not gonna answer it bc I don't wanna create more drama (and also I'm trying to resolve it in dms rn so. don't wanna ruin that by being petty) but thanks for the support same goes for the other anons 🫶
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bat-the-misfit · 1 year
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you know the Si dom i said i mistyped yesterday? i'm starting to think i also got their judging axis wrong lmao
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