#I have a terrible habit of always white washing art of myself

[rozugold]

Goshh I finally sat down and took the time to get my skin tone accurate for this art of my mc sona and it’s got me feeling all emotional skdhdjk

[rilenerocks]

I started making lists when I was about twelve. I know this because I have them. Mostly the lists were about people. People I liked, people I had crushes on, people I hated. The lists changed frequently, sometimes almost daily. Often there were ties for first, second and even third place. When my friend Fern and I spent hours on the phone at night, reading each other our diary entries, we’d sometimes make lists together. We had enemies lists which often included politicians we heard our parents discussing. We had favorite athletes lists and music lists, teachers lists and of course, lists of our peers and family members.

We changed popular song lyrics to reflect our current passions and we had so much fun singing them, especially the ones that were Beatles songs. I still find myself substituting our words when a tune pops up in one of my playlists. You’d never have known that either one of us had a care in the world. But of course we did.

My lists got more complicated as time passed. There were the standard lists that were more like timetables, when work needed to be done, birthdays and events that needed to be remembered, the stuff of calendars. But I had lots of other lists too. In my attempt to keep my priorities straight, I managed to write lists for a wide variety of topics. I had self-improvement lists, lists of books to read and movies to see, lists of subjects to become knowledgeable about, lists of places to see and goals to accomplish. I have a list I call “the permanent list.” That’s the one that has the unforgivable words or actions of people that I’ll never forget or forgive until either my brain or breath goes.

“Michael Quotes”

Right now I have a list of nicknames Michael called me. I also have a list of his terrible jokes and funny quotes that are part of our family’s vernacular.

“Birds of today” Starling Blue jay White breasted nuthatch Sparrow Cardinals Downy woodpecker Carolina wren Brown thrasher Cowbirds Catbird White crowned sparrow Hummingbird Grackle House wren Rose breasted Grosbeak American Robin Chipping sparrow White throated sparrow Redbellied woodpecker Red breasted nuthatch Goldfinch Junco

I have lists of birds and butterflies that have visited my garden. I have lists that are so obtuse I can’t recall why the words are on the same page. The habit of listmaking is a part of me which I suspect will go on until I don’t. After years of waking up and thinking of the day ahead, asking myself what I should think about first, I figure this was a pretty rational response to the flood of thoughts that’s my typical response to opening my eyes.

I suspect that some of my dreams are my subconscious attempts to keep sorting through the ever burgeoning thought stack in my head. Some people hoard stuff. I hoard words, ideas and feelings. I’m aware that the sorting by list is ineffectual at times. For now, it’s become clear to me that I can’t anticipate how long it may take, if ever, to always remember that Michael is dead. I mean, I know that he is. But when ambling through my days there are countless times when I expect him to walk through the door. If I feel like ignoring a text, I always think, wait, it might be Michael. I’ve called my son his name periodically.

In our younger days, Michael owned the car of his dreams, a white 1967 GTO convertible. Vroom, vroom. Today I was in a bookstore and saw a thick shiny book on the history of GTO’s and walked straight over to it, thinking I’d buy it for him and how much he’d love it. These moments are fleeting but real. If I don’t like my dreams, the ones when he and I are arguing, it sours my day. When I have a good dream about him, I wake up and acknowledge that feeling before going back to sleep.

September 17th, 2019

 Hi baby,

  Things are better now. Tristan is healing well from his surgery and Gabriel turned 9 today.

And I’m still writing the letters that represent our constant dialogue over so many years. I can’t list myself out of these deeply ingrained habits that had to do with our life together. Although not quite a complete germophobe, I don’t expect that I’ll ever be without a small container of hand sanitizer in my purse. When he was immunocompromised, I was determined not to let him get sick. I sprayed surfaces with Lysol and suspiciously counted the number of times people touched their mouths and noses and then put their hands on common surfaces. Whatever I could control I did control. Endless hand washing and hyper- awareness. Good luck getting rid of that. I know it’s a peculiar preoccupation to watch people spreading their contagion around but it’s just normal to me now. I forgive myself. I try not to be angry about all that he’s missed and that we’ll miss together. That’s a terrible place to be. I only allow myself those thoughts for short moments. I think my quality of life would truly be pathetic if I got stuck in those mean, jealous places. The list habit comes in handy during those times. I can think of about a zillion things that should supersede that negativity.

Right now, I’m in the midst of other people’s hardships. I’m knowing more and more sick people and I have one very dear friend who’s in hospice awaiting her death. That’s at the top of all my lists now, along with the knowledge that as I’m aging, I’ll face more and more of those sad times. My dad always used to say that if you’re lucky enough to survive to age 70, sometimes you can just cruise along for awhile. He never got there. Neither did Michael or my favorite brother-in-law. All lost at age 67. I’m past that age now. I wonder when my turn will come to face my own demise. I don’t know if I’d think about it as much as I do except for how many early deaths I experienced. Nah, I probably would.

I always expected to just keel over one day like a tree felled in a wood. I certainly didn’t expect to be around longer than Michael who came from a family where everyone routinely lived into their 90’s. I think we’ve all been led to believe that’s possible for the majority of people but I don’t think that’s right. For every octogenarian, there are dozens of people who’ve already checked out.

I’m in the middle of three history classes this semester which are jamming huge swaths of time into 8 weekly hour and a half sessions. I come out of those classes dizzied by the compression of geologic time and long-gone civilizations that can be glanced over and set aside before tackling thousands more years. You realize how teeny you really are when looking at the world in these abbreviated segments. It’s fascinating stuff but absent a time machine, wrapping your mind around the brevity of our lives on a comparative scale is pretty daunting. And kind of comforting at the same time.

It’s only Wednesday and this week, I’ve considered the pre-Scottish elders and the Bog people alongside the Greeks and the Babylonians. We’ve looked at art and religious rituals, at least insofar as archaeologists have theorized about them and shared with us. I’ve been in ice ages and ridden tectonic plates and recognized that the Scottish oceanside rocks are basically the same as Maine’s because they used to be connected. All quite dazzling ideas that stimulate me to make more lists of things to explore, knowing full well there isn’t enough time for me in this universe to get through even a twentieth of what I’m writing down. But the habit is there and so I do it.

Lately because a cell phone makes it so easy to photograph anything, I’ve begun supplementing my endless writing with pictures to illustrate my lists. I have a photo of every place I’ve ever lived in but one because it was demolished a long time ago. I can always think of something new that needs to be photographed.

I have my butterfly and bird photos to go with their documentation as yard visitors. I keep having my storage on my phone fill up because I’m documenting everything. Maybe there’s a gene for this need to list and illustrate. It’s so much a part of me that I was lucky to start early and thus have plenty of writing and pictures of me in many moments with Michael and my family,  including really intimate ones. Ah, the days of the self-developing Polaroids. I was compelled to record. I think my daughter is like me. A record keeper. Maybe it’s a coping skill, a way to not be overwhelmed by the complexity of our lives. We certainly have more than our share of angst right now and I think lots of people feel the stress. So I suppose I’ll keep at it, trying to organize everything and trying not to forget what’s important. I guess I could have worse habits. Even a little Purell isn’t that bad.

Habits I started making lists when I was about twelve. I know this because I have them. Mostly the lists were about people.

[mattiehawkins]

All of the questions😎😎

I have a feeling that, because all these questions are quite complex I won’t be able to give massively satisfying answers. But I’ll do my best, and this is just for fun, and to have a little look at how I’m feeling right now…

(Also all of them?????? Megan, really???? jkjk ily babe x)

(This did take me an exceedingly long time though… I think I overthought it…)

1. what album do you feel best describes your mood 

My mood right now? That’s difficult…

I don’t think I can give an answer that fully satisfies myself for this question - but it’s somewhere around Wild World by Bastille, maybe?

(Idk, feelings are hard to interpret and express sometimes.)

2. if your name had to be a song title which song would it be  

Arabella - Arctic Monkeys

3. what is your go to sad song when you need to cry

Me & Magdelena by The Monkees (although, it isn’t necessarily sad, but it almost always makes me cry) and sometimes, when I’m a special type of sad, Thought I Was A Spaceman by Blur.

4. what band would you want as the rest of your superhero team  

Gorillaz, mainly just because Noodle could survive the apocalypse, and that’s the kind of power any superhero team needs.         

5. if you had to live in the world of an album which one would it be and why              

This for me is a really hard question; it’s difficult to choose an album when so many albums that have a theme and build a world aren’t the nicest places to live (or at least the ones I listen to).

My first thought was MEKAKUCITYDAYS by Jin, but even though I love the Kagerou Project and always will, those kids have gone through a lot and I don’t want that.

So then I thought of Modern Life Is Rubbish and Parklife by Blur, but my life wouldn’t really change that much, other than living in a slightly more idealistic London.

So I’ll settle on those, I suppose…

(Unless film soundtracks count, in which case I firmly choose How to Train Your Dragon, give me a dragon, please!)

6. what song best describes the person you think your soulmate would be               

I really don’t know… (It doesn’t help that I don’t listen to a lot of overly romantic love songs.)

7. create a poem out of song titles    

(Can I only use song titles? Okay, I’m gonna do this my way - Capitalised is a title, lowercase is just linking words)

This Town Called Malice, where The Beautiful Ones and The Drowners live,

I Walk The Line along The Edge Of Heaven.

I Broadcast my thoughts, Go Out, walk this Lonesome Street,

In The Heat Of The Moment, clutching my Heart Of Glass.

Strange Birds on a Cliff’s Edge,

Wild & Free, flying on Wings like Icarus towards the Crystal Sky,

and Strange News From Another Star.

Snap Out Of It, we’re all just an Echo, a Lost Boy, Nomads, the Last Living Souls.

Run Away With Me, Sweet Young Thing,

You & Me could have the Adventure Of A Lifetime.

(artists in order: The Jam, Suede, Suede, Halsey, Wham!, Blur, Blur, Blur, Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds, Blondie, Birdy, Hayley Kiyoko, Lena, Birdy, Lena, Blur, Arctic Monkeys, AmaLee, Ruth B, Highs, Gorillaz, Carly Rae Jepsen, The Monkees, Damon Albarn, Coldplay.)

I’m actually pretty proud of that.

8. which album art would you get tattooed    

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh, I don’t really know! That’s a big commitment, and I’d have to love the album so so much, and the cover would have to be pretty, and be a good tattoo.

I guess AM by Arctic Monkeys, or The Magic Whip by Blur.      

9. is there a song that you feel could have been written about you

Sleepsong by Bastille.

(And at times, Tell It Like It Is by Graham Coxon.)

But also! Other really happy songs! (I can’t think of any right now, and I just want this done tbh.)

10. if you could only speak in the song lyrics of one artist who would it be       

Oh man, that’s a Commitment™

I guess Damon Albarn, because then I get his solo stuff, Gorillaz, and Blur, so that’s a fairly wide range.

11. if you could have your favorite artist sing one of their songs to you which song would it be     

I’d 100% have to choose Gorillaz, because as far as bands go, they were literally my first love - the first band I listened to every recording of every song of theirs I could get my hands on; the first band that I listened to the discography of all the time, for month-long stretches playing the same album; the first band that I went out and bought the music of myself, without being given it or my mum paying for it; they were the first band that for me the music was bigger than just a few catchy singles by some people I was aware of, but didn’t actively want to know more about. And they still, after all these years, make me feel the same strength of emotions as that very first time I saw the video for On Melancholy Hill on the Top 40.

So Gorillaz, but that brings me onto the question: what song?   

My favourite Gorillaz song is probably Empire Ants, but would that be the one I’d most want to have performed to me? I guess I could ask for a track from the new album, but if I didn’t like it as much as Empire Ants, I might regret it. But I really love how Hong Kong sounds performed live, so maybe that? Or Don’t Get Lost In Heaven? Dirty Harry?

12. describe where you want to be in ten years with a song title

This is so difficult!

The Scientist - Coldplay

13. which song would be the national anthem of your country if you ruled one               

Oh man, I have no idea. But White Flag seems by Gorillaz seems at least somewhat appropriate, and I swear I can never tire of Kano’s voice.

(Also I’m getting tired now, and this is the last question left to answer and this is all I can think of #LetMeLive)

14. what is your go to happy song when you need to feel better

On of the really poppy singles by the Spice Girls, or Alright by Supergrass.

Also, on occassion, I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor by Arctic Monkeys.

15. is there an album that feels like a friend to you  

A couple, but other than Headquarters by The Monkees, listing the others here feels a little uncomfortable… It feels like kind of a private question, idk

16. what is the album that you always blast too loud    

Gorillaz, Demon Days, Plastic Beach - Gorillaz

(What’s The Story) Morning Glory? - Oasis   

Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not - Arctic Monkeys   

17. which album do you always listen to with headphones

This Is Hardcore - Pulp

Queen of the Clouds - Tove Lo         

Art Angels - Grimes 

18. what song are you unable to resist dancing to  

so very many - if I love a song, no matter where I am, I’m always moving about (I’m terrible to go shopping with because I have a terrible habit of dancing subtly/singing quitely if a song I love comes on)

But I guess I should list a few (this is in no way the entire list):

Alright - Supergrass

I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor - Arctic Monkeys

Dolly Dagger - Jimi Hendrix

19. what song do you always have to sing along to 

see above

But here’s a few:

Don’t Look Back In Anger - Oasis

Fluorescent Adolescent - Arctic Monkeys

Daydream Believer - The Monkees  

20. what song do feel would be a beautiful painting   

This Side of Paradise - Hayley Kiyoko          

21. what album do you wish you could unhear and discover again

I don’t know? There’s definitely albums I wish I could’ve had better appreciation for when they had just come out, but I’m not sure which I wish I could just experience all over again.

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, maybe? Possibly a Blur album from Modern Life Is Rubbish, Parklife, Blur, 13, or The Magic Whip? Or a Gorillaz album?

I really honestly don’t know.

22. which album do you want to be the soundtrack to your life  

Bad Blood - Bastille is very likely my soundtrack, it has a good range of themes which I have encountered, or likely will in the future.            

23. which band would you want to be your family 

I don’t think I’d want any band as my family?            

24. what song do you think of in association with beauty            

Quite a few, but none that spring to mind immediately? (Other than that one by James Blunt, which I heard on a TV show the other day.)

25. what song do you think of in association with pain 

Very many, but possibly To Binge by Gorillaz has the strongest association. 

26. what lyrics do you feel were written especially for you  

I’m just going to pass this one, I don’t have the time, and it could be kind of personal.            

27. what lyrics do you want to doodle on every piece of paper 

Oh man, so many, I have a list. But the one that springs to mind is: “All of which makes me anxious, at times unbearably so.”            

28. what music do you listen to at 3 am       

Very soft music - I clear my mind and just let it wash over and through me.    

29. pick three albums to take with you into the afterlife

Another Commitment (this is why I could never go on Desert Island Discs).

I’m going to just plunge myself in the deep end for this question, and just pick three that right now I’m feeling I would need:

Demon Days - Gorillaz

Make It Big - Wham!

(What’s The Story) Morning Glory? - Oasis   

(I can 110% assuredly tell you that I’ll be kicking myself over my choice in like 3 hours thinking “This album! You idiot! How did you possibly think you could survive without this album!”)

30. what is music to you in one word   

hope      

[writingguide003-blog]

Writing versus Not Writing : Women Writers, Women's Books

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Writing versus Not Writing : Women Writers, Women's Books

January 26, 2019 |

By Martine Fournier

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Most of us writers are plagued by bad habits: we repeat a pet phrase five times in a chapter and don’t even notice, we use too many adverbs, too many fancy dialogue tags. Some of us have even been known to hold ourselves hostage to our own perfectionism. But I think there is general agreement out there that the worst of all bad writing habits is, well, not writing.

We’ve all heard the maxims about writing every day, writing what you know, writing your morning pages even if that means you have to get up for the five am writers’ club. Good writers write. They don’t shilly-shally, diddle-dawdle, mop the kitchen or do a load of laundry or hang out on Twitter when they should be writing. They don’t give in to writers’ block. There is no writer’s block. Good writers understand the concept of ass-in-chair, and they do it, even if they’re just writing a grocery list. Good writers keep writing, right?

Unless…they don’t.

I’m going to introduce what might be a radical concept here, so just bear with me.

I think not writing is just as important as writing.

I’m not terribly strict with myself when it comes to writing time. Now, that might not work for everyone. Some people need structure. They may write for a certain amount of time or until they have so many words or always at the same time of day. For me, that doesn’t work. I tend to write whenever the spirit moves. And I think the reason I can approach writing this way and still be productive is that even when I’m not writing, I’m still so preoccupied by my story and characters that my mind continues to work on them. Even when I don’t have my ass in the chair.

I’ve come to believe, in fact, that all the time my ass spends out of that chair (or couch, in my case) is actually vital to my process as a writer. And I think this also applies to those of you who are more scheduled and organized than I. We all need time to relax, to breathe. We need to let our waking mind focus on other things—it gives the subconscious time to create, to solve plot problems, to invent characters, to move the story forward. I don’t outline, but I have a feeling my subconscious does a lot more outlining than I realize while I’m busy with other things, and then feeds me the story I’m crafting in bits and pieces.

There are certain activities that I know help with my writing. Here are my top three:

1. Long walks in nature: not everyone loves this, but if you do, I bet you don’t need me to tell you how rejuvenating it is. The exercise clears my thoughts, and it also boosts my energy. I’ll find myself mulling over the characters in my book and am often surprised by how many fresh ideas I get. And there’s nothing better than a change of scene, however brief, if you’re feeling stuck. Afterward, you’ll come back to your work with rested eyes.

2. Driving: this is kind of an extension of the above, an activity I do (well, force myself to do when I need to go somewhere) that gets me out of the house and into a different environment. It’s also another situation in which I often find my mind wandering, in the best of ways. There’s something about the partial concentration on the road and my surroundings that allows ideas about my work to float up into my consciousness. But I think any activity that offers that kind of soft focus could have the same effect. Maybe for you it’s organizing the sock drawer, washing the windows, or baking a cake. Most of my writing ideas don’t come to me when I’m staring into space, agonizing. As soon as my mind is distracted, though, they start to flow. Even if this is just my brain’s way of providing me with an excuse to interrupt the window washing, it still works wonders!

3. Socializing: spending time with family or friends, going to parties and meeting new people. This is a tricky one for me. Like many writers, I am decidedly introverted, and going to parties, especially where I may not know many people, is actually not my favorite activity. But hanging out with friends and meeting people is an incredibly valuable resource for a writer. You never know when a character might be inspired by the demeanor—or even the outfit—of a stranger, when a snippet of conversation will inspire one in your book. Children, in particular, my own and other people’s, can be both inspiring and a huge source of comic material.

All this to say that whatever activities you do, don’t beat yourself up over all the time they take away from your writing. Whether you’re taking a break to have coffee with a friend, or procrastinating by washing the curtains, you can trust that your mind is still doing its job behind the scenes. In fact, it needs some of these activities to keep working to its full potential. I say go ahead and take the walk, bake the cake, change the engine oil. You can still think about your book while you do all these things, and when do you sit your ass back down in that chair, you’ll be recharged and ready.

Martine Fournier Watson is originally from Montreal, Canada, where she completed her master’s in art history after spending a year in Chicago as a Fulbright scholar. Her poetry and short stories have appeared in journals such as the Beloit Fiction Journal, Roanoke Review, Scrivener Creative Review, The Bellingham Review and Sixfold. She currently lives in Michigan with her husband and two children. When she is not curled up writing, you can find her walking in the woods, playing Sudoku, trying to read all the books in the world, or stalking famous authors on Twitter. https://twitter.com/MFournierWatson

The dream peddler came to town at the white end of winter, before the thaw . . .

Traveling salesmen like Robert Owens have passed through Evie Dawson’s town before, but none of them offered anything like what he has to sell: dreams, made to order, with satisfaction guaranteed.

Soon after he arrives, the community is shocked by the disappearance of Evie’s young son. The townspeople, shaken by the Dawson family’s tragedy and captivated by Robert’s subversive magic, begin to experiment with his dreams. And Evie, devastated by grief, turns to Robert for a comfort only he can sell her. But the dream peddler’s wares awaken in his customers their most carefully buried desires, and despite all his good intentions, some of them will lead to disaster.

Gorgeously told through the eyes of Evie, Robert, and a broad cast of fully realized characters, The Dream Peddler is an imaginative, moving novel of overcoming loss and reckoning with the longings we keep secret.

“Astonishing . . . The Dream Peddler unfolds like a gorgeous poem, leading us deep into the lives of its characters, and exploring the vast underground legacy of our own desires. This is the must-read book of the year.” —Rene Denfeld, bestselling author of The Child Finder

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Writing versus Not Writing

[yelenaww]

my 2016

A little late for a 2016 reflection, but I'm pretty much late for everything so this doesn't come as a surprise. "Better late than never", they say. 2016 was an interesting one, owing to routines different from peers and the previous years. I recall spending plenty of time on my own during the first half of the year because of my research degree, followed by a contrasting half which comprised of re-learning conversation with company both new and old.

Regardless of fluctuating surroundings in 2016, music remained a close companion. I'm one who rejoices over AUX cables and Spotify Premium, and would very much prefer listening to music in confined spaces- in a car or through headphones. It's funny how our brains are able to retain information as minute as when exactly we discovered an artist, the person who brought us to it, or how we felt at that particular time.

Here are a handful of songs which carry a little something, bringing me back to 2016.

[Future Bass] The Lighthouse And The Whaler - Venice (Louis The Child Remix), Genghis Khan - Miike Snow (Louis The Child Remix)

These songs were recommended by J earlier in the year. I remember struggling through chapter 2 of my thesis, sitting at my glass dining table and demanding for new music. I grew incredibly attached to Louis The Child upon the first listen and up till today, my ears smile at their distinctive playful music. These songs accompanied me to the lab on most mornings, even if it was a mere 10 minute walk door to door, as if to give me a cheery boost before a long dreary day looking at bacteria and mice.

Hackney Marsh - Slow Club

As mentioned earlier, the first half of 2016 was mostly quiet, which taught me to enjoy my own company. I sat on countless train rides to KL in 2016, just because, not that I had any specific liking towards KL itself. The buzzing crowds reminded me of London, with everyone having their own agenda, walking to and fro minding their own business. Being in crowds are refreshing once in awhile, for some reason. It felt strangely freeing, walking around aimlessly and not having to tell anyone my whereabouts. Hackney Marsh reminds me of the comfortable space I found in a quiet cafe one afternoon, where I worked on my thesis till the rain stopped.

UGH! ,  If I Believe You - The 1975

Matt Healy captures emotion so well through his music, bringing in the unique with his witty, poetic and almost twisted lyrics. B made a passing comment saying that it would be crazy if The 1975 ever came to Malaysia. It was pretty surreal watching The 1975 live together last August, considering how the both of us would always squeal at their songs which made us cry internally since discovering Chocolate on the radio.

From The Stalls - Angus & Julia Stone

Watching this duo perform live changed my initial impression of them back when Q recommended it. It was so beautiful, hearing Julia talk about Angus with such sisterly affection. Their soothing vocals accompany me on quiet days and drives. Conversations with Q throughout the year were both thoughtful and challenging. Through paragraphs of typed words (with sizable pockets of time in between), I found myself struggling to string my words and opinions together for they often seemed poorly formed in comparison to Q's linguistic flair and well-thought replies. Grateful for like-minded friends who patiently walk through difficult concepts, passages and tangled thoughts.

Polygon Dust - Porter Robinson ft Lemaitre

Porter Robinson (Worlds) was a huge part of my 2015-2016. His music, along with Flume's, initiated my growing electronic music gravitation, played often from day to day. Worlds was, in my opinion, a work of art reflecting Porter's interesting, unique character seen from interviews and his album's commentary (which I play continuously when I'm in need of a stress reliever, as silly as that sounds). Polygon Dust reminds me of night drives alone- the best time to be on the road.

White Lie - The Lumineers (Cleopatra)

I've come a long way with The Lumineers. There was such a stark difference between their two albums that it took me a while getting used to Cleopatra, which was a lot more mellow and mature, as if it was time for the little girl in me to grow up. Cleopatra reminds me of car rides with A. We have an unsaid agreement knowing that once in the car, we'd only play songs we both enjoy. She'd transition between Lord Huron, Radical Face and few other old indie favorites of mine, pinching me hard if I ever said I was falling asleep on the wheel.

In Your Atmosphere - John Mayer, Airplane - iKON

John Mayer- always having his way with words and one whom I'd pay to see live; his versatile harmonization sounding so beautiful and effortless. Live at the Nokia Theatre is by far my favorite compilation of his. John Mayer reminds me of warm, airy afternoons in the driveway of IMU- scheduled lunches with people, iced dirty chai latte in hand, surrounded by the smell of coffee. I like the driveway. You could sit there for ages, either hiding away from the crowd or be completely seen when you wanted to, countless conversations with familiar faces. Both of these songs remind me of W, their sad melodies carrying a sense of comfort whenever I feel down. On walks home, we'd talk about anything and everything under the sun- side by side since 2014 and in 2016, 2.5 hours apart. One who saw me at my best and worst, thank you for loving me.

Warm On A Cold Night - HONNE

There's something so mysterious yet calming about Honne's voice. This song takes me back to night swims and time spent preparing dinner in the kitchen back in Covillea. I stumbled upon this hidden gem in a stranger's playlist while washing the dishes and had to put down the sponge to press replay. Since then, my playlists have been peppered with many of his songs. Time in the kitchen always brings back fond memories of having L just across the 21st floor when she was around. Having identical Noxxa's (a pressure cooker) and a habit to clean the kitchen sink because it was a 'therapeutic' thing to do, most people say we're 'two peas in a pod'. Without a doubt, L's one who is irreplaceable.

Calling - Ukiyo

Calling was stolen from J's playlist, to which he immediately confirmed with me after watching my Singapore vlog. Whenever this song comes up, I see the memorized footage of the trip playing in sync with the beat of the song (inevitable, after spending overwhelming amounts of time on it). Video editing was something I picked up on a whim when deciding to do a farewell video for L before she left- what an experience that was. Since then, I've had newfound appreciation toward videos and see them in a whole different light.

M- not many encounter a friendship quite like ours, and I can only say that I'm incredibly blessed to have met a group like M. "Lasting friendships are built not on habits, but on principles." 2016 robbed us of our weekly, (terribly) exclusive hangouts, but I'm proud to say that we've made it through long distance in 2016 with bullet point updates, voice messages and intentional meet ups. Our array of personalities glued by the gospel continue to keep me humble and thankful for friends who are unafraid of transparency and rebuke.

Side To Side- Ariana Grande,  Closer- The Chainsmokers,  Calling Out- Penguin Prison

October was 'different' in full swing, being sent to Kluang for a month-long hospital posting with people I hardly knew. Nevertheless, it progressed slowly into a highlight of the year thanks to Y, N and K. Seeing them for a solid seven weeks has seen us through countless conversations, understanding each others personalities, quirks and principles. These were their respective favorite songs, played repeatedly in the car.

Y inspires me with her fierce independence, 11/10 initiative character and her appreciation towards friendships. Barely more than yoga acquaintances at first, we got along really well as room mates for a solid month. Immensely grateful for her honesty, I smile remembering the many topics we talked about when we were tucked up in bed- face moisturized, eyelids heavy, guard down.

Whenever Closer came on, K and I would laugh at the synchronized bobbing heads of Y and N. Strangely, N never struck me as an introvert upon first encounter. Yet a true introvert he was, after hearing his sentiments about crowds and alone time, while we sat at the lobby of the dodgy hotel. I value his inquisitive nature and enjoyed bouncing of his "why or how's" every so often.

K surprised me with his music taste followed by his sarcastic humor and thoughtful actions. Responding similarly in most instances and disliking the same things, we got along well through our backseat deejay struggles, salty Hearthstone runs, caffeine/alcohol trips and making unimpressed faces in response to N's 29837 puns. Reserved in most instances, it was a privilege hearing a bigger fraction of his thoughts over time.

No Problem (ft Lil Wayne & 2 Chainz) - Chance The Rapper

This fun song popped up at my sidebar of Spotify's Friend Activity, the album Colouring Book played often by V. Always fascinated by rap, this song started creeping into my playlist somewhere in November. On repeat throughout Melbourne and a little after, W would ask, "Why'd you like this song? It doesn't seem to carry any meaning.", making me stop in my tracks. It dawned upon me that I don't always digest the lyrics of songs which I listen to, or rather, I do it very selectively. Are we what we listen to? If yes, well.

Glorious- Colony House

Hope: - "..This means that a continual looking forward to the eternal world is not (as some modern people think) a form of escapism or wishful thinking, but one of the things a Christian is meant to do.

..Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it [desires], but only to arouse it to suggest the real thing. If that is so, I must take care, on the one hand, never to despise, or to be unthankful for, these earthly blessings, and on the other, never to mistake them for the something else of which they are only a kind of copy, or echo, or mirage. I must keep alive in myself the desire for my true country, which I shall not find till after death; I must never let it get snowed under or turned aside; I must make it my main object in life to press on to that other country and to help others do the same."- CS Lewis

Just like all years, my 2016 had its own set of doubts, distractions and stubbornness. Granted, we struggle with the unfavorable circumstances we're thrown at; but over time, we get by, scrape through, adapt. It's a little more tiring to be struggling with Self- our wants, character and human heart which remain fairly constant. Thankful to have those (namely M, S, E) who love me enough to remind me that Home is not here and to struggle alongside me. Immensely grateful for the gospel which sustains and is still able to bring tears to my eyes when it makes sense, regardless of any situation I'm in.

Thank you for being so colourful, 2016.