#I just remembered this pic existed but I forgot it said give me the death I deservioli LMAO

[mossy-box]

Has anyone done this yet

[shorkbrian]

💖💘my heart’s dizzy and I my dose of serotonin whenever I read your prose🤟🏽😩 was wondering if you could do reader with an erratic future-vision!quirk so when they first meet yandere!Hawks they’re suddenly plagued by erotic, sensual, 365days-level of disturbing visions of them, so reader actively avoids them (it’s like those Tik Tok future-seeing videos playing to “Play Date”)

Prelude - Hawks isn’t a famous pro-hero in this, but he still has his quirk. It’s not really mentioned a bunch tho lol.  This is rlly long, but I decided not to put it into two parts because the smut is so slight lol. Hope this meets your expectations anon, thank you for reading!

Pairing -  Keigo Takami X Reader

Warnings - NSFW mentions, dubcon, noncon. No out-and-out explicit smut, just a really long story. Hawks is manipulative and gets what he wants

Music - https://open.spotify.com/track/5ukAQcKEIJuzIbP55xp07x?si=iz6I-RoDSdCNYhT2Du8etg

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He was a friend of a friend, someone you had only met once or twice.

Your friend kept bringing him to hangouts, he kept showing up on her instagram feed,  getting mentioned in her twitterbio, and eventually it came out that they had started dating. It didn’t catch anyone by surprise.

What did catch you by surprise, was how infatuated with him your friend was.

“He’s just sooooo hot, isn’t he?” She squealed, shoving her phone in your face to show off a shirtless pic he had just sent her.

You nodded in agreement, quickly appraising the pic before turning your head. Yeah, her boyfriend was attractive, but you weren’t one to ruin relationships. Plus, you and Keigo had never really talked past the brief “Hey” and “Wassup?” said in greeting when introduced the first time.

“Can he come to the mall with us on Friday? I promise there will be no third wheeling.” Your friend begged, clasping her hands together. You thought about it for a second - this had been a fun shopping trip the two of you had planned a few weeks ago, meant as a girls date on a day the mall wouldn’t be crowded. But would it really hurt anything if her boyfriend came along? Probably not.

“Yeah, I don’t mind.” You shrugged, watching your friends face erupt into a wide grin. “But don’t ditch me to go makeout in a bathroom or something, got it?”

“Sir yes sir!” Your friend faux saluted, before patting you on the shoulder. “Thanks girlie!”

You jerked back, head suddenly swarming with visions, your quirk activating. Your quirk was helpful in some ways, but you mainly tried not to use it - headaches resulted, and you hated getting glimpses of the future. Sometimes they’d be good, but they were often bad - you had gotten a screenshot glimpse of your brothers death, his face marred and bleeding out onto the pavement.

It still made you sick to think about it.

Touch wasn’t something you could always avoid, but you tried, seeing as how it activated your quirk, giving you visions of your future with whomever you touched, or whoever touched you.

You saw your friends face, eyes puffy with tears, shouting something. Then another scene flashed, your friend on TV, talking to a reporter.

Thankfully, the visions ended, this episode relatively quick due to how short of a time she touched you.

“Oh shit, I forgot, I’m so sorry.” She rushed to apologize, holding her hands up and backing away from you.

“It’s-it’s fine.” You wheezed, waving your hand in the air to signal that it wasn’t a big deal. The vision just probably meant the two of you would get into a fight soon, which wasn’t uncommon.  It was fine, you were fine.

——

The mall wasn’t too crowded, which made the day pleasant. Your friend was talking to her boyfriend, hand tangled with his as the three of you walked in.

“So (Y/N), what do you think about that new Victoria’s Secret launch?” Your friend bumped you with her hip, drawing your attention as she pulled you into the conversation between her and her boyfriend.

“Oh, um… what?” To be fair, you had zoned out when the couple started being gross and mushy, which was like, the second your friend met Keigo at the door.

The blonde man laughed. “Victoria’s Secret just launched a new line of lingerie, have any thoughts about it?”

Turning red, you smiled sheepishly. “Ah, well…. From what I’ve seen of their stuff it’s… nice? So I’m sure it’s good.”

Your friend mock-gasped, almost slapping you on the arm before quickly remembering your quirk, drawing her hand back. You gave a quick nod of thanks.

“(Y/N)! Don’t tell me you didn’t even know about it?! I practically live, eat, and sleep Victoria’s Secret, it’s impossible to miss their product drops when you’re one of my friends.”

Unsure how to respond, you floundered, opening and closing your mouth like a lost fish.

“Babe, leave her be, she’s probably just shy.” Keigo stepped in, giving his girlfriend a chuckle as he steered you both towards a shop.

“Fineeee.” Your friend whined, turning to focus on the task ahead. “They have a VS shop here though, you’re not getting out of here without going in with me!”

----

The VS store was huge, smelling sweetly of flowers, bright colors assaulting your vision, soft pop music filling your ears.

It was hard not to cringe at all the fancy lingerie, you were honestly a bit embarrassed to be strolling through the store with your friend, let alone her boyfriend by her side.

“Does-does Keigo mind?” You quietly asked your friend, out of earshot of her boyfriend, who was looking at perfumes, last time you checked.

“Not at all birdie, I’m used to clothes, any form, any shape.”

You whirled around, squeaking in surprise at Keigo, who had apparently finished with browsing the perfume. He was flashing you a 1000 watt grin, continuing with what he was saying. “I’m a model, practically every girl I’ve ever met I’ve seen in less than full underwear, it’s no big deal.”

“Oh…. Cool.” You offered, cheeks turning red again. You felt like such a blushing schoolgirl, turning red when faced with looking at bras and panties, flushing when a man got too close.

It was the nature of the store, you told yourself, that was making you so embarrassed.

“Oo! What do you think of this one?” Your friend was holding up a babydoll, pink, with light fabric and zero coverage.

Keigo wolf whistled. “Man, that’d be a good look for you. Lets buy it.” The couple moved on, pointing at different clothes, your friend occasionally picking one from the rack to hold up against her body, looking for Keigo’s opinion.

They were cute together, laughing over the cheesy names on the tags of the lingerie, holding hands as the browsed, your friend occasionally stopping to plant a kiss on her boyfriend’s cheek.

“I think that’s everything that I like…. (Y/N), your turn!” Pulled out of your casual observance, you back pedaled. “Me? No, I’m not really the type to wear this kind of stuff - I don’t even think most of it would fit, I have weird proportions.“

“Nonsense!” Keigo looked around for a moment, going to the nearest rack to quickly sift through bras, before pulling one out. “This one would make all the boys drool over you honey.”

He held it out towards you, shaking it slightly when you hesitated to take it. Was your friend okay with him talking to you like that, pushing underwear at you to buy? A quick glance sideways showed she was more than okay with it, clasping her hands excitedly as she watched you.

The bra was sheer, soft lavender fabric forming the cups, an intricate embroidered detail of flowers dotted haphazardly over the bra. It was pretty, but you weren’t exactly partial to it. When would you wear it? Who would you wear it for? You weren’t sure it was your style. Plus, it probably wasn’t even your size.

“My arm’s gettin’ real tired.” Keigo joked, before you finally took the garment from him. Checking the size, you paused for a second, blinking towards the man.

“How did you-?”

“You spend enough time in the fashion industry, you learn to tell a girl’s size just by looking at her.”  He seemed to puff up, as if he was proud of his bra-sizing skills.

“Let me help her pick out some things too!” Your friend cried, rushing past you to head over to the next rack, ushering you to follow with a wave of her hand.

You ended up with an armful of lingerie - bras, panties,  an odd bustier or two, and some other flowy items, like a sheer robe and a lacy chemise. The choices weren’t exactly made by you, more so made by a combination of your friend and Keigo together. They had alternated holding up items towards your body, comparing color and garment cuts, lost in their own mushy-gushy world, and it was almost like you didn’t exist for a few moments, nothing more than a barbie doll to dress up.

But now the three of you stood in line to checkout, and you felt included again, your friend cracking jokes that were making you snort, Keigo watching the two of you interact.

Until your friend accidentally brushed against your arm as she shifted forward in line.

Again, you saw her tearful face, heard her sobbing, before the other scene flashed, of her on TV, talking to the reporter. She still looked upset, eyes rimmed red, nose running, hair a mess.

With a gasp, your vision returned to the present, and you were wobbling on your feet, almost falling.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry (Y/N), I’m so so sorry. Here, let me take that, go sit down by the entrance.” She fussed over you, face concerned as she carefully took the stack of clothes from your arms, making sure to not make contact.

“Oh fuck, is she alright?” You heard Keigo ask, your friend stepping in front of you as he moved forward to check on you.

“Yeah, she’s just feeling a little dizzy. Can you make sure she doesn’t fall and crack her head open? Just wait by the entrance please.”

“Okay. Oh, here-“ You were a bit dazed, but you saw Keigo fish his wallet out of his pocket, thrusting the entire thing into his girlfriends hands before patting her on the shoulder “Whichever card is fine.”

And then you were stumbling towards the entrance, towards the bench right outside.

You hated seeing the future. Why was your friend crying? What had happened to elicit such a reaction? The unknowns killed you, kept you up at night as you tried to puzzle out the events that could lead up to the scenes from your visions.

Not looking where you were going, you tripped on air, unable to catch yourself as you plummeted towards the ground.

But then you were seeing Keigo.

He was above you, face flushed and sweaty, hair tousled, his chest bare. The room was dark, barely lit, and he was so close. The man leaned down to kiss you, then the scene changed.

You were bent over a table, only able to see the solid wood your face was smushed against. There was a heat in your belly, a tingling between your thighs, and pressure. Someone was talking - Keigo, muttering behind you angrily. You head was pulled up, a hand fisted in your hair, and then one of your knees was pushed up onto the table, and the pressure inside exploded into pure pleasure.

You felt yourself screaming, bucking your hips as you suffered through whatever the feeling was.

The scene changed again.

Hands tied above your head, you were pressed against a wall, sitting on some kind of…. Saddle? Your legs couldn’t touch the ground, and you squirmed, before gasping loudly.

There was a nub in the seat, ribbed and textured, slick with some kind of liquid… From you? Then you saw Keigo, standing in front of you, smirking at you with hardened eyes.

He had something in his hand, arms crossed over his chest while he fiddled with the object, muscles flexing. He was shirtless again, and-and his cock was hanging out of his sweatpants, pressed against his belly, smearing precum over his skin.

You tried to say something, anything - the visions never lasted this long, it was too intense, there was so much sensation. But your mouth wouldn’t move, choked up.

Keigo’s hand was on his length, rubbing slowly, saying something that didn’t reach your ears.

The scene changed.

Something was shoved down your throat, warm and twitching. You were sobbing, choking, clawing at whatever was in front of you. A dark laugh filled your ears, and you opened your eyes, met with the clenching abs of a strong stomach.

Keigo was brushing your tears, no, smudging them over your face. Were you wearing makeup? His cock was sitting in your throat, his hips moving in tiny jerks, stabbing your esophagus, making you gag.

Then you were back in the present.

A hand was holding your arm, keeping you from falling and making contact with the hard floor.

“-N)? (Y/N)? Are you okay? Talk to me birdie”

You made a panicked noise, pulling yourself out of Keigo’s grip so fast that you fell flat on the floor, scrambling backwards away from the man.

He almost looked scared, confused as he followed after you, holding out his hands. “(Y/N), you gotta calm down, you’re gonna make yourself sick.”

The man reached for your arm again and you pressed yourself against the floor, screeching out a loud “No!!” before he could touch you. Keigo paused, looking at his hand, then at you. “Hey, hey, I’m not gonna touch you. It’s okay little birdie, you’re alright.” He cooed, sinking to his knees in front of you.

You were hyperventilating, wide eyes trained on Keigo. Your thoughts were swirling in your head, you couldn’t focus, the sensations of the future still echoing through your body.

Keigo crouched there while you steadied your breathing, talking to you the entire time, trying to help you relax and calm down. You weren’t sure what he was saying, something about the weather? Or a dog? But you could feel your breathing evening out, head clearing.

“Hey, she fall?” You friend was carrying two bags, crouching down beside Keigo, cocking her head at you.

Her boyfriend nodded, turning to her and taking one of the bags. “I caught her, but then she freaked out and fell for real.”

Your friend nodded. “I should’ve told you earlier, she has a touch-based quirk. Every time someone touches her, she sees snippets of her future with that person.”

Keigo cocked his own head, gazing at you curiously. “I guess her future with me isn’t too positive then?”

Your friend shrugged. “Eh, she just hates seeing parts of the future. She doesn’t want to know what’s going to happen, makes her worry or something like that. Don’t take it too personally, she’s like that with everyone.”

“It-it-“ you rasped out, causing both sets of eyes to swivel towards you. “-I hate it... because-‘cause I can’t ever cha-change it.” You shivered.

Keigo nodded in understanding, before rising to his feet. “Think you can walk to my car? I’ll drive you two home, I think you’d benefit from some rest.”

He dropped you off at your apartment, and you wearily waved at the couple as they drove off, before heading inside.

----

A week passed, then two.

The visions you had concerning Keigo were plaguing your mind, filling your body with anxiety. There had been a distinctive feel of fear during each one, and despite all the other various sensations felt, the most overwhelming had been distress.

Whatever was going to happen, you weren’t going to like it.

You were holing up in your apartment, ignoring your roommates when they knocked on your door, only leaving your room to eat or grab water. You couldn’t sleep, too scared you’d have dreams, or more accurately, nightmares of what you had seen.

Curse your quirk.

Trying to pass time, desperate to keep your mind off of the future, you threw yourself into any activity you could find.

First you tried coloring - it was supposed to be relaxing, but it gave you too much time to think.

Then you tried gaming, spending hours in front of your computer mashing the keys. That worked for a bit, but your eyes and head soon protested.

You listened to music at full volume, tried several workout videos, even resorted to cleaning your space with fervent energy.

None of it took your mind off the inevitable.

“(Y/N), someone’s at the door asking for you.” You jerked awake, slumped over uncomfortably on the floor, the half finished card tower in front of you promptly knocked over at your erratic movements.

“(Y/N)?” Your roommate called again.

“Yeah! Coming, sorry.” You mumbled, scrubbing sleep from your eyes. You guess your body would give out sometime and force you to fall asleep, but as you moved to stand, you sorely wished your body had chosen a more comfortable place to pass out.

Opening the front door, you immediately took a cautious step back, sleepy demeanor vanishing.

Keigo smiled at you, one hand in the pocket of his jeans, the other holding a bouquet of flowers.

Flowers?

“Hey birdie, mind if I come in?”

You stared at him for a second, immediately on guard. Why did he have flowers? Why did he want to come in? Wasn’t he dating your friend? She didn’t live here, what was he doing here?

The man cleared his throat, raising an eyebrow at you. You moved to the side, holding open the door for Keigo to come inside.

Your roommates were home. If anything happened, they would be within earshot.

Keigo shot you a smile and a thanks, before immediately moving into the small living room, taking a seat on the couch. When he saw you still hovering by the open door, he patted the cushion beside him.

“Come sit, I promise I don’t bite.” He thought for a moment, before grinning. “Well, not unless you want me to.”

Hesitantly, you shut the front door, going to sit in a ratty armchair further away from the winged man. If this bothered him, the man didn’t let it show other than a short pause before he spoke.

“So, I know it probably seems like, super weird for me to show up at your apartment, but hear me out.”

Flowers were shoved in your lap, Keigo taking great care to avoid touching you.  “I felt bad about the other day, and my girl and I decided that we should get you some flowers. She picked ‘em out, it even says so on the note.”  The man laughed, running a hand through his hair.

“She’s so uptight about this kinda stuff. Anyways, just wanted to say that I’m sorry for grabbing you like that. If I had known, I would’ve let you fall flat on your ass. But I know now, so I’ll be better, cool with you?”

Finishing his little speech, Keigo held out his hands, wings stretching behind him to mimic the gesture.

Looking at the flowers in your lap, you felt your hands shaking. Picking up the little note attached to the bouquet, you found that your friend had indeed picked out the flowers, which made sense. They were your favorites, and in a nice color too.  Keigo had left a messy, scrawled “Sorry!” in one corner, before signing by his girlfriends name.

“Um, thank you Keigo, you didn’t have to apologize.” You murmured, rubbing one of the flower petals between your fingers. You were so glad your quirk extended solely to humans - if you were shown glimpses of the future of everything you touched, you would most likely go mad.

“Nah, I wanted to. Also wanted to swing by, check how you’re doing. You been taking care of yourself?” He relaxed on the couch, legs spread, arms resting behind his head. This wasn’t his home, yet you totally could believe that it was by the ease with which he owned the space with his presence.

“Oh, well… I’m still here, so…” You shrugged.

Keigo frowned. “That’s not a fun answer. How much sleep you been gettin’ each night? Eight hours?”

You shook your head, huffing out a breath in place of a laugh.

Keigo clicked his tongue. “No sleep? That’s bad for you y’know. Have you at least been drinking water? Eatin’?”

You nodded quickly, looking up to meet the man’s gaze. “I’m not a kid. I appreciate your concern, but it’s not necessary.”

At this point, you think the best thing for your health would be for the man to leave.

The blonde man stared at you for a moment, before sighing. “Alright, I get it. But I don’t want to hear that you’ve passed out or something, got it? Your friend would kill me.”

He rose to his feet, and so did you, walking him to the door. “Thanks Keigo, and thank you again for the flowers. That was very sweet of you both.”

Keigo beamed, giving a two fingered salute. “You deserve it birdie. Well, have a good rest of your day, yeah? Eat something.”

You smiled, at Keigo as he turned away, beginning to whistle as he strolled down the hall.

Once the door was shut, you found a vase for the flowers, filling it with water and setting it on the table. Your roommates would think it was pretty, and it was, a nice little centerpiece.

That really was nice of your friend and Keigo to offer you flowers.

——

“Welcome to Gold Nile Jewelers, how can I-“ You blinked at the man entering the shop. “-Keigo.”

“Birdie? You work here?” He looked just as confused as you felt, cocking his head to the side as he approached the counter.

You looked around the small display room, nodding your head. “Yep… You looking for anything specific today?”

“Ah, right!” He clasped his hands together, bending over to lean on the display counter as he looked up at you. “So professional (Y/N), it’s just me.” The man chuckled.

“Actually, I thought I’d get my girl a cute little bracelet or something like that, you think she’d like that?”

Knowing your friend, she’d be ecstactic. “Oh, absolutely. Any particular occasion, or just an “I love you gift”?” You asked, already running through the list of bracelets in stock.

“It’s our two month anniversary in another week, thought I’d get her a little sumn’ sumn’, y’know?”

Gold Nile Jewelers was an expensive store. You patted yourself on the back for not dropping your jaw when he said “two month anniversary”. People came here for wedding rings and special occasion jewelry, not monthly anniversaries like some high schoolers.

Well, unless they were rich.

You showed Keigo the selection of bracelets currently available, the man listening quietly to your product descriptions and recommendations, asking questions about the fit and feel, and if you think your friend would like a particular one.

“Honestly Keigo, I could choose one I think she’d like, but it’d be more special if you chose for her.” You finally told him.  He wasn’t annoying you, but you felt frustrated with his apparent lack of knowledge about his girlfriend. How did he not know what her favorite color was? “I’d suggest coming back in a few days. Go home, see what kind of jewelry she wears, pay attention to the colors she gravitates towards, if she’s allergic to any metals.”

Keigo tapped his chin. “Hmm, you have a good point. I guess I should pay more attention to those kinds of things.”

You nodded as you began to pack the expensive bracelets back into their display cases. “Gifts for a significant other can be hard. Honestly, it means a lot if they pick it out themselves and surprise you with it. Makes it special.”

“Oh, you have a partner?” Keigo asked, bright eyes watching your hands work.

A frown almost crossed your features, but you stopped it before it could show. “Ah, sorry, that’s not really a work-appropriate question.”

“Awh, c’mon! It’s just me, we’re friends, can’t you tell me?” Keigo pouted, batting his eyelashes at you in an exaggerated, dramatic fashion. The display made you laugh, so you indulged him. After all, he was a friend. No harm in telling him something he was bond to know sooner or later.

“I’m actually single right now. But as a jeweler sale associate, I know how much it means to a person when their partner picks out a gift for them, especially if it’s a surprise.”

Keigo nodded his head solemnly.  “That makes sense. I better follow your advice then eh? Find out what she likes-“ he mused “-I can do that.”

“Good luck Keigo!” You called after him as he strolled through the door, waving when he smiled at you, giving that same, goofy two fingered salute that he always did when saying goodbye.

The man unnerved you, the visions you had experienced concerning him making you worry. But as long as he was dating your friend, you felt that you’d be fine.

-----

Keigo showed up again two days later.

“Back so soon?”

“You know me-“ He shook out his umbrella, placing it in the drip-bin by the door, wiping his shoes on the mat. “I always try to be speedy with my work.”

It was grey outside, drizzling slightly. You loved these kinds of days, where you could sit near a window and watch it rain while sipping tea. It was so peaceful and calm, and always soothed your stress.

“Find out anything useful?” Whatever he could tell you would make it easier to refine the jewelry selection for his particular needs.

“So, she doesn’t have any bracelets, and I asked her about why and she said they annoy her. She likes necklaces.” He clarified,. You could tell by the way he puffed up that he felt proud of his detective skills. “I even made a note of the lengths - she likes ones that dip low, which-“ He wolf whistled, and your stomach turned. But it was fine, just awkward.

“Alright, I think we have quite a few like that. Let me collect them for you and lay them out.”

Keigo strolled around the display room while you bustled about, looking in each case at the shiny metals and stones  

You laid out the necklaces, calling Keigo over. The man smiled brightly at you as you showed him the selection, noticing he was gravitating towards the more simply, elegant choices.

“I’m sure she would be thrilled with any of these.” You offered, Keigo silent as he tried to decide between two necklaces.

Still, the man shook his head, quirking his lips. “I just…. I need to see them on, y’know?” Then he brightened, as if he had just thought of something. “Hey, can you try them on? Model one for me? Just to see what it’d look like.”

You laughed nervously. “Sorry Keigo, but I’m not allowed to do that, it’s against company policy. Only customers get to try on the jewelry, and that’s if they’re supervised.”

“Awh, c’mon! No one else is here, and I won’t tell.” The man leaned forward, shooting you a quick wink before he snatched up one of the necklaces, holding it out towards you. “Please? I just need to see it. I promise I’ll buy it.”

He was so insistent, and no matter how loud the alarm bells were wringing in your head, you felt cowed by his confidence.

“Um, still… I don’t think it’s allowed-“

“Fuck what’s allowed-“ He cut you off, snorting. “-I want to see what it looks like. It’s just me (Y/N), I’m not gonna snitch.”

A heavy sigh, and you finally agreed, taking the necklace from his nimble fingers.  You slung it around your neck, not fastening the back as you held it in place. Hopefully that would be enough to sate Keigo’s curiosity.

His eyes immediately followed the curve of the necklace, how it dipped low towards your cleavage (curse you for wearing a lower-cut shirt today). You tried to ignore the leering.

“Here, let me help you fasten it, doesn’t look right otherwise.”

Before you could protest, he was sliding behind you, deft hands reaching for the necklace your had in your grasp.

“Keigo no-!”

But it was too late.

You were pressed up against a wall, face-first, your hands gathered into the small of your back and held there with a vice-like grip. There was pressure between your legs, something hammering into you, in and out, in and out, in and out.

Keigo was talking to you, you could tell it was the man by his voice. What was he saying? You were too overwhelmed with the sensation between your legs to focus on the words falling from his lips.

Sweat dripped from your temples, Keigo’s chest pressed up against your back was slick with perspiration, his nipples hard and pressing into your skin. It was an uncomfortable situation-

And then it changed.

You were tied up now, tight enough that you couldn’t move no matter how you thrashed. Knees bound in such a way so your ass was up in the air, arms stretched out in front of you, anchored to the headboard of the bed.

Keigo was behind you again - nothing to indicate that the tongue running through your core was his, but somehow, you knew.

You were begging and pleading, withing in your restraints against his tongue, but he wouldn’t let up, he wouldn’t let you crest the mountain that had built up inside. He kept chuckling, the vibrations running through you and making you buck your hips. You felt disgusting.

Then the bed was gone, and Keigo was in front of you. He was sitting in an office chair, your legs straddling his lap. Hands on your hips were dragging you back and forth, grinding you on the hard member protruding from Keigo’s lap. He was flushed, letting out little moans as he kept eye contact with you, smiling and praising you.

Then you were back.

Gasping, you shot away from Keigo, the expensive necklace clattering to the ground as it fell from your hands.

The man froze, confusion etched across his features as he watched you bend over, trying to catch your breath, to calm down, to ignore the lingering sensations from the futuristic visions.

“(Y/N)…”

“I think-I think you should leave.” You heaved, tears building. That had been awful, everything had felt good but you hadn’t. You felt uncomfortable and disrespected and stupid. That couldn’t be your future with Keigo, you wouldn’t be able to handle that. He was your friend’s boyfriend, for goodness sake!

Keigo opened his mouth to say something, but you snapped at him “Leave.”, making the man click his jaw shut.

He walked out the door, shooting you concerned glances the entire way.

You felt better as soon as he was gone, the door clicking shut after him. Thankfully, you were the only employee out front at the moment, and no other customers were present, so no one but you and Keigo had experienced your outburst.

Bending down to pick up the necklace, you inspected it carefully, horrified that you had dropped such an expensive item. It was alright though, so you brought it back to the others, shakily beginning to gather them up to put away.

You didn’t want to see Keigo again.

——-

“I just don’t understand!”

Your friend sobbed, surrounded by tissues on your bed, eyes red and blotchy.  You wished you could rub her back, our give her a hug, but you knew what would happen. So you stayed on the floor, passing up tissues and offering wordless sympathy.

“Why would he break up with me? Why?”

You shrugged, looking for words. “I don’t know… I’m sorry that this happened, but if he can’t see how awesome you are, then he’s an idiot.”

She sniffed, blowing her nose. You could tell she wasn’t convinced, but she didn’t say anything further, instead choosing to wipe her eyes.

She had called an hour or so ago, tearful, asking if she could come over. Refused to tell you what was wrong, but the second you let her in, she had burst into tears, explaining everything.

Keigo had broken up with her via text, that asshole.

“I just…. I thought we were good. Did I do something wrong? I just don’t get it.”

“Neither do I. You said he just texted you out of the blue?”

She nodded her head, going to blow her nose again. “We were supposed to go out for dinner tomorrow, it’s our two month anniversary.”

You cringed. Did your encounter with Keigo in the jewelry store have something to do with this? Had you driven your friend’s boyfriend away? Had you weirded him out? Oh god, what if this was all your fault?

Your friend broke down into a sob again, slumping onto your bed. You passed her another tissue. “It’ll be okay. I think he’s a stupid fucker that just wanted to play with your heart.  He isn’t worth shit. You deserve so much better than him.”

She nodded, blotchy eyes seeking out your own. In the back of your mind, you cringed, seeing the exact same scene from your vision. Well, at least the two of you hadn’t gotten in a fight.

——-

A few weeks later, Keigo was at your door.

“You need to leave. Now.”

“Aw, c’mon (Y/N), at least hear me out?”

You huffed, crossing your arms. Maybe he had a dumb explanation for why he had dumped your friend. You were wary of him accidentally touching you again though. “Fine, but make it quick.”

“No promises.” He grinned, breezing past you and into your apartment. He beelined for the chair you had sat in last time he was here, leaving you to take a seat on the couch.

“Alright-“ He settled in, fixing you with a gleeful eye. “How do you feel about your quirk?”

Caught off guard, you blinked. Wasn’t he going to explain why he had broken your friend’s heart? “Um, what?”

“Your quirk, y’know, the one that makes you see the future?” He leaned forward, rubbing his hands together with a smile. He seemed far too pleased, and it made you nervous.

“I hate it. If I could get rid of it, I would.” You stated, ready to move onto a different topic. But just as you were about to ask him about your friend, he rose to his feet, fishing in his pockets.

He drew out a bracelet, black and red, thin. “Well then, lookie what I have.” The man walked over, sitting down quickly on the couch next to you, causing you to immediately scoot to the end. You didn’t want him touching you.

“Oh, sorry.” He apologized upon noticing your unease. Instead of scooting closer, he simply tossed the bracelet onto your lap, leaning back as he watched you look at it curiously. “Put it on, see how it fits.”

“I don’t need jewelry Keigo, and I think we should be spending our time discussing why you bro-“

“Just put it on (Y/N), please? I promise you won’t regret it.”

Huffing, you did as he asked, clasping the bracelet around your wrist. It fit snug, almost too tight, but it hugged your wrist comfortingly. It was pretty, but you didn’t see what this had to do with your quirk, or with your friend, or anything that held any relevancy.

Bracelet now on, you fixed Keigo with a blank stare. “Happy?”

“I don’t know.” Keigo grinned. “Are you?” And then he was hugging you, arms wrapped around your shoulders, face buried in your neck.

You shrieked, already panicking as you tried to ready yourself for the onslaught of  visions that accompanied physical touch.

They never came.

Choking back a surprised gasp, you drew back from his hug to find Keigo’s eyes, the man smiling down at you as he watched your reaction.

“Kei-Keigo…” You stuttered, shocked, surprised, euphoric, confused - so many emotions, all at once. You couldn’t even think to brush off the hands still around your shoulders, thumbs brushing at the tops of your exposed collarbones by the neck of your shirt.

You weren’t able to think rationally, couldn’t focus on anything but the awe you felt at being touched without being slammed with visions of the future.

You forgot about the terrifying visions you had gotten when Keigo touched you.

You forgot about how he had hurt your friend, broke her heart with no explanation.

You forgot about his hands refusing to leave your body.

“Keigo, this is…. Amazing” You breathed, wide eyes snapping up, catching his smiling face, eyes crinkly and twinkly.

“I had my team modify some quirk-cancelling cuffs! You seemed so upset whenever someone touched you, I couldn’t leave you with such a burden.”

Nodding, you returned your gaze to the bracelet, turning your wrist this way and that to look at the bracelet from different angles.

“I mean, I know how much I like being touched, and touching. I think I’d totally die if I couldn’t.” Keigo chuckled, but you weren’t listening.

The rest of his time sitting next to you on the couch was spent explaining the colors he had spent so long picking (“They’re my personal favorite, aren’t they nice?”) and why he had decided on a bracelet (“It could’ve been a necklace, but I think it looks better in it’s original cuff design, looks cooler that way.”).

By the time he had to leave, you were completely sidetracked, so distracted with your shiny new jewelry that you didn’t even remember to ask what his deal was with being a jerk to your friend, his now ex-girlfriend.

-----

“-and then he gave me the bracelet. I wasn’t thinking much after that, I just… I can hug you, isn’t that incredible?”

You gave your friend another squeeze, feeling a smile dance across your face. But then you sobered, pulling back from her with your hands on her shoulders, quickly becoming serious.

“But he’s really starting to kind of weird me out. Why won’t he explain why he broke up with you? He’s being a little bitch. I tried asking him a couple times, but he kept cutting me off, and I feel like the bracelet was a distraction to stop me from busting his chops about his behavior towards you.”

Your friend looked sad for a second, before shrugging. “I dunno, he just said things weren’t working out, and that while he liked me, he’s not ready for a relationship right now ‘cause of where he’s at in his life.”

“Psh-“ You scoffed, going in for another comforting squeeze for your friend. “-that’s code for “I’m a fuckboy and want to sleep around”.”

“I know….. But it still hurts.” You friend sighed, wrapping her arms around your neck. “But at least he gave you that quirk thing. I’ve never seen you so happy.”

“I just wish he was a mildly decent person.” You grumbled, detaching from the hug to sit back, glaring at the ceiling. “He gives me the fucking creeps.”

“How so?” You friend locked her head to the side, throwing her arm over the back of the couch. You had called her over the second Keigo had left, finally gathering your wits about you.

“I dunno…” You shrugged, not quite ready to tell her about the disturbing visions containing him. Did that have something to do with their breakup? Was it your fault? What was going to happen with Keigo? It honestly scared you, the residual feelings and sensations you could remember from the visions.

Your friend nodded understandingly. “Some people just give off those vibes. Well, at least we don’t ever have to see him again. Good riddance I say.”

You agreed.

——-

Knocking on the door, you shuffled your feet as you took in the house.

It was one of those rich places - nice neighborhood, fancy street filled with lavish houses, expensive cars. You felt slightly out of place, shifting from foot to foot in your clearance-rack clothes.

The door swung open, revealing a sleepy Keigo, shirtless, clad in nothing but sweatpants.

“Oh, um-“ You quickly turned, averting your eyes, trying to give the man privacy in case he hadn’t realized he was shirtless. It looked like he had just woken up from a nap, eyes blinking owlishly, hair mussed.

“Hey (Y/N), come on in.”

Still keeping your eyes turned away, you stepped inside the opulent house, trying not to gape too much at the decor inside. You didn’t want to look like a complete peasant in front of Keigo, but he’d already been to your house, so you could imagine that he knew of your poor-ness.

“Something wrong? You can look at me y’know, I’m not gonna turn you to stone or something.” Keigo joked, voice entirely too close for comfort.

Head whipping around, you found that he was too close, practically almost touching you as he stood beside you, head cocked as he watched you.

“No… nothings wrong, you’re just…” You gestured to his torso, and Keigo looked down in confusion, before looking back at you, a grin on his face.

“Ah, just woke up.” He shrugged, before reaching out to touch your arm. “Bracelet still keeping that quirk at bay?”

You nodding, following the blonde as he turned and walked further into his house, towards the kitchen.

“Glad to hear! I just wanted to look at it a bit, make sure nothing’s worn or torn, y’know? Hate for you to have to deal with the no-touching thing again.” He said over his shoulder, gesturing for you to sit down at the island, on one of the barstools.

You did so, watching the man open his fridge, take out a carton of milk, uncap it. “Is it too tight?”

“Nope.”

He drank right out of the bottle, and you watched some dribble out of the corner of his mouth, down his chin. The man finished gulping down the milk, taking the bottle away from his lips to swipe at the white trail of liquid rolling down his chin.

Eyes dark, he made contact with your own eyes as he cleaned his chin with a finger, stuffing it in his mouth to suck it clean.

That was gross.

The next second, he was back to normal, cheerfully putting the milk back into the fridge. “Good, good. Now, mind if I take a look at it? You should keep it on though.”

You nodded, and Keigo straightened, walking around the island to sit next to you, shuffling his stool closer.

He grabbed your wrist, laying it out on the island, before beginning to poke at the bracelet, running his fingers over it, fiddling with it, squeezing the tendons in your hand, smoothing his hand up your arm.

It felt a bit intrusive.

“So the visions are all blocked?”

“Yep.”

“And you can touch and be touched?”

“Yeah.”

“How’s your appetite? Sometimes complete quirk suppression can make you lose your appetite.”

“It’s been normal, I guess I’m a little hungrier than normal, but I’ve been getting out more too, not as afraid of crowds.”

“Nice! And how about your libido?”

You spluttered, choking on your own spit, snatching your hand away from Keigo’s wandering touches.

“Excuse me? That’s a bit personal, thanks.”

Keigo shrugged, bright eyes hooded and lazy. “It’s just a question.”

“Are you done making sure it’s all good? No broken parts?” You changed the subject, narrowing your eyes. You can’t believe your friend had ever dated him, that you had ever thought he was anything but a playboy.

You wouldn’t even be here, in his house, but he had come into the jewelers a while back (both you and your friend had blocked his number), spouting something about your bracelet needing constant checks and maintenance in order to keep suppressing your quirk. (“Wouldn’t want it to stop working, right? Just stop by sometimes, here’s my address.”).

So here you were.

Keigo leaned back a little, raising an eyebrow at your irritated tone of voice. “Woah there, don’t get snippy. I’m doing you a favor, right? I’m not trying to hurt you or something.”

Technically, you guess he was right. But he had played your friend, had fucked with her feelings. He was a fuckboy, liked messing with each and every girl he could find, and you didn’t care to be one of them.

“And I appreciate that Keigo. But I like to keep my private life private.”

Keigo was silent, simply holding out a hand for you to place your arm in, so he could fiddle more with the bracelet.

Several moments of awkward silence passed before he spoke again. “You’re being awfully ungrateful. It makes me think you don’t even want this little gift. If I were you, I’d be doing everything I could to show the person kind enough to do such a thing for me how thankful I was.”

Lost for words, you stared at the man. Was he expecting some sort of award? Some sort of prize? It’s not like you had anything to give him.

“I don’t have anything to give you in thanks. Just my words, which I’ve said plenty of. I didn’t ask you to make this for me.” You pointed out.

“Sure, but you use it, don’t you? You wouldn’t like it if I took it away, right? Think about how miserable your life was before I gave you this.”

Your life had been miserable. Afraid to go out in crowds, afraid to leave the house, Nervous about grocery shopping, about paying and having the cashier touch your hand as they handed over the change.

Scared of public transportation, of coffeeshops and bookstores, of public parks, even your own home. What if one of your roommates forgot and touched you? Or accidentally bumped into you?

Plus, you could hug now, and shake hands, and slap your friends back when she told a horrible joke, or tap her when you wanted her attention.

You didn’t want to go back to before. “I’m sorry Keigo… I really do think it’s lovely, and I can never thank you enough for doing this for me.”

Keigo let go of your arm, and it swung back to your side. You could feel the man looking at you.

“You know what would let me know that you mean it?”

God, it better not be something sexual.

“You could buy me coffee. Or maybe a cookie from that bakery on 1st Avenue, you know the one? With the little bunny pastries?”

That surprised you.

“You go there? That’s my favorite place.” You mused, looking at Keigo in surprise. He didn’t seem the kind of guy who’d like a place like that. But appearances could be deceiving.

“Of course! I really like their stuff.”

“Alright,” You conceded, rising to your feet. “I’ll get you some stuff from there. Want it today?”

Keigo rose to his feet as well, crossing his arms over his bare chest. “Yeah! Let me get dressed real quick, and then I’ll go with you. Don’t go anywhere birdie.” He shot you a wink, before sauntering past you, out of the kitchen.  You raised a brow, surprised. He meant to go with you?

“Make yourself at home while you wait, don’t be afraid to kick up your feet!”  

——-

The bakery smelled as lovely as usual.

A warm atmosphere, good food, friendly employees. It was your favorite place for a reason.

“Alright, what do you want?” You asked Keigo, the two of you staring up at the menu.

“Hmm, I don’t know. What are you going to get?”

“Probably a muffin, those are my favorite.”

“What!?! That’s my favorite too! How crazy.” Keigo smiled at you, dimples showing. You got the feeling that he was brown-nosing you, but you kept the thought to yourself, striding up to the counter to order.

Muffins purchased, you approached Keigo, who was lounging by one of the display cases, admiring the delicate, mouthwatering masterpieces held within.

“All good to go?” His smile was so charming, so friendly, you almost caught yourself wanting to see it more. Huffing in irritation at yourself, you pushed past him, shoving the bag with his muffin into his chest.

“Here’s your stuff. I’m going home now, see you around.”

“Wait!” Keigo turned, jogging a little to catch up as you exited the bakery. “We gotta eat these before they get cold - hey, birdie, are you listening to me?“

You weren’t, stoically keeping your head turned forward, walking with determination. There was only so much of Keigo that you could tolerate, and you had reached your limit. He was starting to really annoy you, didn’t he get that you wanted to go home? You’ll just eat your muffin on the subway, it’s not that hard.

“(Y/N)-“ His sudden growl was punctuated by an arm on your shoulder, spinning you around and pulling you towards the man.

“Hey-!” The sudden collision of your face with his chest knocked your breath away, almost causing you to drop your own muffin in the process.

When you managed to gather yourself, you shot a glare up at Keigo’s face, only to find the blonde smirking down at you, a fierce glint in his eyes.

“I expect you to listen when I’m talking, got it? I don’t like being ignored.”

That’s evident.

You tried to back away, but he still had a hand on your shoulder, squeezing you tight to him. “Keigo! Let me go, you stupid idiot-“

“Stop it, I’m not doing anything to you, ya big baby.” He cooed down at you, before taking his hand away, letting you stumble backwards.

He was just messing with you, teasing you. It was obvious, yet still you allowed him to be around you.

“Alright, I’m sorry, I know all the touching’s gotta be new still. Wanna go eat these in the park? I’ll buy you some ice cream if you want.”

“I don’t want ice cream, I want to go home.”

Keigo frowned, walking after you when you turned on your heel, heading for the subway. “Why do you dislike me so much? I’ve done so much to help you, and yet you spit in my face. Your parents ever teach you how to be grateful? Or even respectful?”

You gasped at his accusation, stopping in your tracks to whirl around, only to find the man far closer than what you had expected. Still, you tried to hide your surprise at his proximity, jabbing a finger in his direction.

“You are a playboy, you broke my friend’s heart, and you want to sleep with every single person you come across just to mess with their feelings. I don’t want to be around you. I won’t get dragged into that.��

The man watched you, face solemn and contemplative. “Is that really how you see me?”

“Why would I say any of that unless it was true?”

He ran a hand through his hair, looking up and around, as if gathering his bearings, before back down at you.

“Have you ever considered that I’m the one getting my heart broken?”

“Yeah right-“ You scoffed, only for Keigo to cut you off.

“People want to sleep with me because they think it’ll get them something that they want. Fifteen second fame, a piece in a tabloid about my “new lover”…. Think it’ll help them further their career, or that I’ll give them money. I can’t find anyone real.

“And my friend wasn’t real enough for you?” You spat, not believing him for a second.

“Nope.  You think she liked me for who I am?”

“Uh, yeah? She gushed to me all the damn time about how good you were, how she felt about you. That girl held nothing but love and affection for you.”

The man snorted, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, sure, love for my wallet.”

“She’s not like that.” You argued, brows furrowing.

“Really? Cause she was sucking me dry, and not even in a sexy way.”

You crinkled your nose at what he was implying. Your friend wasn’t like that, she truly had felt for Keigo, had liked him as her boyfriend. She wasn’t just a leech.

“I’m done talking about my failed love life.” Keigo said lowly, nudging your shoulder. “I just thought two friends could hangout, but it seems like you think all I do is try and fuck people.”

“No, Kiego…. That’s not what I meant.” Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t, but right now…. You almost felt a twinge of sympathy for him.

Some of what he was saying made sense, how people would try and use him for various reasons. But that still didn’t explain his sudden and harsh breakup with your friend. And over text no less, a complete douche move!

But you felt bad about his words, about how he seemed to actually want to hangout, and yet you were accusing him of trying to sleep with you. But what about those visions you had had? Was that even how they went? Or were you remembering falsely based on your bias towards the man?

And what about his suggestive touches, his leering gaze? Was that maybe just how he always was, and it wasn’t exclusive to you? Were you inflating your place in his life, thinking that he wanted you?

It was confusing, and you didn’t want to think about it, try and untangle the lies from the truth. Right now, you just wanted to eat your muffin.

“If you really didn’t mean it, then can we go eat these in the park? I just want to chill with someone that isn’t trying to gain something from me. I want to spend time with someone that’s real.”

With a half-irritated sigh, you nodded, hoping you wouldn’t regret hanging out with the obnoxious man.

-----

He kept calling you, texting you. You’d had to unblock his number at some point, in order for him to text you about the bracelet and when he needed to look at it.

“Come overrrrr, I’m bored!”

“Birdie, are you hungry? The delivery place gave me extra Torikatsu and I don’t want it to go bad. Can I come drop it off?”

He’d swing by the jewelers, leaning over the counter to talk to you about a recent shoot he’d booked, or something he saw recently.

Keigo seemed to slowly insert himself into every facet of your live, against your will, ignoring every subtle, irritated attempt of yours to turn him away. Every single time you saw him, your mind would inevitably think of the visions, but you felt like you couldn’t trust yourself with those anymore.

The man assured you at every step, he had no romantic feelings for you, he just wanted a friend, someone to put him in his place, be honest with him.

You definitely were honest.

Snapping at him when he showed up at your apartment uninvited, coming up behind you on the street and grabbing your sides, laughing when you shrieked and tried to hit your attacker, only to realize it was Keigo.

Tearing into him when he tried to talk badly about your friend - she had been having less and less contact with you, and you couldn’t figure out why. Now your relationship with her was reduced to curt text messages. Maybe she was just going through a hard time, and wanted alone time? Still, you let her know you were there for her, whenever she needed.

You were honest when Keigo asked your opinion on food, TV shows, clothes, movies. It was almost satisfying saying something sucked, just to see Keigo’s face fall slightly, before he shook his head, whining.

“Then help me pick something out! I can’t do it without you-“

He totally could, he was just being a baby.

The more he inserted himself into your life, the more you realized that he was akin to a petulant child, just with muscles and a penchant for inappropriate touching.

Whenever he saw you, he’d try to draw you into a hug, letting his hands drop far down your back, way too low for you to feel comfortable. You’d slap them away, and Keigo would laugh, before ruffling your hair.

He’d have you come over so he could check your quirk suppressor, except he was in the middle of a show, and it was getting to the best part. (“Sit down, shhh, it’s just getting good!”) You’d have to sit through the entire thing, enduring Kiego’s hand lazily drawing shapes over your pants on your thigh, simply putting it back whenever you shoved it off.

He was insufferable, irritating to no end, but you could tell he was a lonely man, bitter about his love life and with his friendships.

So you tolerated his presence.

After all, he wasn’t trying to hurt you. That’s something he reiterated every single time you shied away from his touch. He made you feel like a fool for thinking the man was hitting on you, when he made it so clear that he wasn’t, only interested in friendship.

Until you fell asleep at his house.

Another one of those days were he needed to look at your quirk suppressor (which you were 99% sure was fine, it seemed like he just enjoyed seeing it on your wrist). He had been rummaging around in his room before he had to run and open the front door for you, talking as he walked back to return to his previous task.

Apparently he was trying to find a good shirt, seeing as how he had pants on, but his chest was bare. Keigo instructed you to sit on the bed for a second while he retreated into his massive closet, trying to find a good shirt  to go with the rest of his outfit.

His bedroom was pretty large, a full California King taking up the majority of the space, neatly made. The sheets and blankets felt soft beneath your fingers as you sat on it’s edge, prepared to wait for Keigo for a bit.

The man always took his fashion very seriously - one time he’d even spent two hours trying on clothes until he’d decided on an appropriate outfit to go to the park.

So you followed your tired eyes, exhausted from work and dealing with Keigo, worrying about your friend, daily life stressors and the like.  Keigo wouldn’t mind if you laid back, right? Your feet wouldn’t be on the bed, so it’d be fine.

And it was fine, pleasant, the room the perfect temperature.

You were roughly jerked out of sleep by pressure. Pressure on your hips, pressure on your lips.

Eyes jolting open, you tried to inhale, only to find yourself unsuccessful.

Keigo was on top of you.

Panicking, your hands came to push at him, a muffled sound of protest being squeaked out from where his lips pressed against yours.

Noticing you were awake, Keigo pulled back, smiling the whole while.

“I’m not willing to wait anymore, I just gotta have you.”

His eyes were glinting, hair tousled, still shirtless. You felt goosebumps arise as you remembered the vision you had so long ago, of this exact moment.

“Wai-mmph!” His lips were on yours again, passionate and warm, moving eagerly. A wet tongue pressed at the seam of your mouth, surprising you and making you blanch, which allowed the man access.

Kiego’s tongue explored the inside of your mouth, playfully tapping your own wet muscle, encouraging you to lift it and wrestle with him.

This was too weird, this wasn’t happening, you couldn’t do this-

Biting down hard, you snapped your teeth shut on his tongue, and Keigo yelped, drawing back immediately.

“Ouch, what the fuck!?! Chill out (Y/N), geez.” His hand was dabbing at his mouth, wincing when it came in contact with his bleeding tongue. You had bitten him deep, but you weren’t focused on that right now.

“What are-what are you doing?” Your voice was breathless, disoriented. The room felt…. Dark, and suffocating, as if it was closing in on the two of you, trapping you.

Keigo looked down at you, and it was only then that you realized you had been moved to lie on the bed fully, shoes off, legs splayed. The man rested on his stomach between them, his weight pressed against your body, keeping you still.

“I told you, I can’t wait anymore. I’ve been as nice as I can, but it’s time you started paying me back for everything I’ve done for you.”

What? Paying him back-was he talking about the quirk suppressor he had gifted you? Had he been lying about his true intentions this whole time?

“That’s not right, it was a gift, you-you don’t have to pay back a gift.” You spluttered, feeling as if your chest was collapsing.

Keigo shook his head, swooping down to leave a bloody kiss on your forehead, which you cringed at, before pulling back to speak.

“Nah, it wasn’t a gift. You know how expensive it was? You were always gonna have to compensate me. Now shush, I wanna feel you-“

One of his hands grabbed your jaw, keeping your face turned towards his, pressing down until tears formed in your eyes. His lips were bloody from the bite on his tongue, tasting unmistakably like iron.

You didn’t want this.

Trying to bite him again left you with a slap to your thigh, making you cry out. Keigo huffed out a laugh against your mouth.

He detached from your lips, just to start nibbling at your jawline, elating streaks of red where his lips touched.

“God, you are so sexy. I was trying to chill, but then I came out and you were sleepin’ all cute, and I couldn’t fucking stop myself from touching.”

“Stop doing this, I can pay you with something different. I don’t wanna do this Keigo.” You whispered, on the verge of crying.

“No, I get to decide what you’ll be doing for me, it’s my bracelet-“

“It’s not, you gave it to me, please stop-“

“Shut up.” He growled sinking his teeth into the side of your neck, nipping at the skin hard enough to have you screaming. “You’re so ungrateful, where’s my thanks? I’ve done so much for you.”

“Thank you, thank you Keigo, I appreciate it all-“ You hurried out, hoping it was what he wanted to hear “But I can’t do this, please don’t make me. I wanna go home.”

“There we go, I like the sound of you thanking me. You’re going to thank me for each and every time you cum tonight, got it?”

“No, no, we can’t do this, I can’t! Get off of me, please-“

“You’ll do it, or else I’ll whip you until your flesh hangs off of you in strings.” He hissed, squeezing your jaw cruelly.

The tears in your eyes overflowed as you fell silent.

“Aw, birdie, don’t cry. I’m not gonna hurt you, I never have, right?” He waited for a second, watching your face before he pressed harder, eyes hardening “Right?“

You nodded jerkily, and Keigo came to kiss your tears away, savoring their salty taste as they rolled down your cheeks.

“Keigo, this isn’t right though, please get off me. I don’t want this-“

“You want me to take this away?” A hand caught your shaking wrist, the one that had the quirk suppressor fastened snugly around it, wrenching it up so both of you could see it. “Huh? Put you back where you were in your miserable little life? Running away from everyone, holing up in your apartment, not willing to touch or be touched…”

The very thought made your insides churn, and a fresh round of tears rolled down your face as you shook your head no, lips wobbling as you whined. You felt so pathetic, so small and dumb underneath Keigo.

“That’s what I thought. You’re going to relax now, right? No more begging unless it’s for more.”

He didn’t wait for an answer, beginning to shuffle around until he could slide his hands under your shirt, pressing against your tummy as you flinched away.

“Don’t worry birdie, you’re gonna like every single thing we’re gonna do. You’ve had sex now, yeah? Since I gave you the bracelet?”

You shook your head “no”, it’s not like you were eager for sex before you got it, and all the touching-without-terrifying-visions thing was still new to you, the dating world was being eased into. Somehow though, every single date seemed to be crashed by the man on top of you.

Keigo lit up like a Christmas tree, licking his lips gleefully. “Okay, okay, I can-whew, that’s hot-I can be gentle.” It sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince you, his hands skirting up your ribs, shucking up your shirt as the traveled higher and higher.

“Keigo please-“

“Don’t you dare say stop, I’m not gonna. You’re the first person that doesn’t want anything from me, you’re real, and I’m not stopping.”

His admission made you cringe, recoiling from his touch. He followed you, palms finally smoothing over your breasts, over your bra.

“You’re going to do what I say, or else this-“ Your wrist was wrenched into view, red-and-black bracelet glittering. “-gets removed. And I’ll still do whatever the fuck I want, but you’ll be off in your mind having visions of who-knows-what while I have my way. Got it?”

Your blood chilled, body suddenly feeling ice cold. His tone was dead serious, spitting out the words with a sense of finality.

“So, just lay there and take it birdie, I’ll be good to you.”

[carli113]

Story

Its been so long since I’ve been back here.  I joined the xuania fandom and wrote a chapter for a non existent story.  Now I want to draw some pics.

Okay.  Continuation of Dong Hua and Bai Feng Jiu Eternal Love Drama story.  This was supposed to be something that could transition from the drama to the novel without much trouble. 

Bai Feng Jiu held back the tears as she formerly responded to Donghua's message upon her coronation.  The time for games was over, she had to become queen and with that new position, many new responsibilities would come her way.  She remembered that when Si Ming had answered her request regarding a message from Donghua,  he had mentioned that the secrets would be inside the map. Her curiosity was peaked and for many hours she waited awaited, until finally the crowds had filtered out of her home.  

“Thank goodness!” she cried when all was quiet , “Who knew that a coronation could  be so exhausting?”  With that the young queen retired to her bedroom, trying not to notice the fancy gift that was carefully situated beside her bed.  Doing her best to ignore the map, Feng Jiu crawled into her covers  and did all she could to get comfortable.  Her attempts were in vain as she tossed and turned, but to no avail.

With the mysterious map staring at her from the side of  her bed, Bai Feng finally gave up.  Her curiosity had peaked, and Bai Feng couldn't  help but open sacred treasure. “Oh my.” she gasped as she slowly revealed the picture.  The map was absolutely beautiful.  From the eloquent calligraphy to the perfectly inked and detailed map of the ages.  The world had indeed changed, not a thing remained, but why in the realm would Dong Hua give her such a valuable item?

Peering over the map with laser eyed focus,  Feng Jiu  grappled to see if there was any message that he could be trying to give her, but could find none.  Scanning the map with her essence, Feng Jiu sighed  in defeat. She had no idea what Donghua's message was, or even if there was a message.  Grumbling away, Feng Jiu began to return the map to it's  place.  It was then that a small piece seemed to resonate with her touch.

“What's this ?” she thought quietly,  and quickly focused her energy on the strange oddity.  An unusual fog began to settle in when a chime rang loud and clear from the Wu Wang sea.  Startled out of the fogginess overtaking her, Feng Jiu slammed her hand on a sharp rock that seemed to appear from nowhere.

“Ouch!” she hissed, her eyes wide with horror as the object disappeared and two drops of blood fell upon the priceless treasure.  “No!” she cried, her body suddenly feeling weak.

“Feng Jiu!”  

“Feng Jiu!”

“Your Majesty!” Came the faded cries, but it was no use.

Feng Giu woke with a start as her body seemed to burn like flame and her whole body seemed to be encased in an inky blackness.  “Where am I?” she asked quietly, “Is this a dream?”

“Little flower, little flower,” called a frightful voice, loud as the thunder, and deep as the sea, “ Why have you hidden from me?”

“Hidden from you,” she asked , “What do you mean?  Who are you? ”

“I am you, and  you are me,” said the strong voice, “A Shadow of what once was and still can be.”

Hazily an image appeared in the inky blackness, a tall man, swift and strong with eyes as stormy as the ocean and hair as bright as the moon. “Is that...” she whispered, as the hazy image soon became clear ans sharp.

“Donghua.” Feng Jiu whispered quietly, her face pale as the figure slashed through hundreds and thousands of bodies.  Never had she seen such a deadly look in his face.  Soon  a striking man with sharp eyebrows  and long black hair revealed itself.  “Yehua?” she whispered, then taking a look once again, “No... “ she whispered, “ Mo Yuan?”

“Yes,” the voice called, “This is an image from long ago,  when the demon uprising nearly destroyed the world twice over.  The battle was long and harsh and millions of souls died,  god and man a like, even more so then battle of Roshui from so many years ago.  Times were harsh than and the needed light had not yet appeared.  Three great sacrifices were needed to stop the war filled with death to no end.”

“Three sacrifices...” trailed the young princess, Feng Jiu did not understand at first, but as she reflected on the most recent goings in her present life. “Are you saying...”

After a long pause, the voice rang out loud an clear once again.

“Yes,' whispered the haunting voice, “Of these three, there are two that you know quite well.  The Donghai bell, a powerful artifact that required a powerful spirit to seal or quell the spirit of the vilest soul, the phoenix heart to scatter the darkness and start the world anew, and loss of love to tame the passionate  fury of the strongest soul.” a pause, “Tell me little flower...do you know what this means?

“No...no.” stuttered the young queen, though a dawning of understanding seemed to appear behind her eyes.

“The Donghai bell has been destroyed, the strongest soul has weakened, the light has appeared, and the calamity that threatens the world has begun to move...”  after a long pause, “ Your role, little flower, has come into play.”

“No. No, ” Cried the young princess, “ My role?  What do you mean?”

“The phoenix blade is calling for it's master, and you little flower, must light it's way.”

With that the darkness seemed to fade, and Feng Jiu cried out as her essence seemed to melt away, and every inch of her body turn to Ash. Never in her 30,000 something years of life had she ever experienced such pain,  not when the pagoda beast slashed her, the lightning struck her, or she took the full brunt of the Demon Lord's power to protect Donghua.

Feng Jiu bit her lip as a shining tear fell from her eye. The unbearable heat had been calmed and  thousands of images filled her mind. Images of what once was and what can be came into play. Her purpose had been found, and her dear Donghua had guided the way. Feng Jiu just  smiled, as her burning body began to cool and a bright red gem appeared on her forehead.  “Donghua...” she whispered, “I understand.”

“Huh!” gasped the young queen.  She was back and her body felt much stronger than before.  Grabbing the mirror to her side, Feng Jiu looked at her appearance to see the half closed flower mark on her forehead had appeared to bloom.

“Majesty!” cried the beloved Migu as he attempted to embrace her.

“No!” cried the princess, putting her hand out , a fiery flame engulfing her palm.

“Princess!” he exclaimed in surprise, “What happened?”

“I-”

“She's ascended,” came the familiar voice of Si Ming. “Congratulations once again, high immortal Bai Feng Jiu.” he said, bowing slightly.

“Si Ming, what are your doing here?”

“His majesty Dong hua, requests your presence,” he said calmly.

Widening her eyes, Feng Jiu willed her heart to stop it's wretched hopeful pounding. Donghua and her no longer had anything to do with each other, so why was he requesting her presence?   She hadn't talked to the ancient deity once since Yehua had been taken from their home three years ago, though she had indeed been tempted. With all he had told her on their last acquaintance, Why would he be summoning her now?

I don't understand, she thought silently, but her words came out, “I understand, please tell his majesty I will meet with him shortly.”

“His majesty Donghua Dijun requests your presence immediately.” emphasized the lord of dipper.

“ But father...”

Silently the familiar blue cloaked figure slipped out behind the silver clad figure. Clearing his throat, he gave her an almost proud look.  “The manner has been addressed, ” quietly the man put his hands behind his back and gave a slight bow.  “Though your power is strong, your discipline is lacking, do not keep the Dijun waiting any longer.”  Though he did not say it, Feng Jiu could tell her father was not pleased with development,  most likely do to her shameless actions,  but no one was to stand against the formidable Dong Hua.

“Of course.”

“Little highness,” bowed Si Ming, and Feng Jiu nodded before following him to the aforementioned place of meeting. Swallowing slightly, Feng Jiu tightened her fists as the entered the deity's chamber.  She had been here hundreds of times for thousands of years,  but for after her ascension to high immortal, she had learned so much more about him.  Suddenly being in his chambers seemed a thousand times more intimidating.

Presenting himself to the ancient deity, Si Ming bowed and announced his formal greeting,“ Lord of Dipper has arrived with Her highness, high immortal Bai Feng Jiu as per your request.”

“Thank You,” spoke the high deity, “ you may be excused.”

“Your majesty.” he responded and disappeared into a puff of smoke.

“No. Dont leave me!” squeaked out the young queen,   her heart pounding as the object of that had earned her respect, awe, affection and recently her fear transported within a few centimeters  and pulled her close to him.

“Don't leave me?” he quirked his eyebrow, ignoring the little prick of annoyance that cropped up in his stone heart.  “Since when have you wanted his presence so much?” he teased  before letting her go and stepping a way, arms folded behind his back.

“W...what?” she sputtered, “Thats not it...I just did..” want to be alone with you right now.  She thought silently, not after-

Stopping less than a meter away from his little fox, Donghua . “Since when have you been afraid to be alone with me, little fox?”

“What?” oh dang it, she cried silently, I forgot! “Well I mean...”

“I seem to remember a little fox here not too long ago who dispersed just before my waking, snuck into my quarters with drinks, snacks, and lets not forget those lovely outfits...had I been a normal man, it may have been too much to bear.”  

“Eep.” Feng Jiu squeaked out, body stumbling backwards as the man stretched out his arm and wrapped it around her , a knowing smirk on his face. “You mean ...You knew.”

The stone hard God nodded his head, “Of course I did.”  he stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “After spending all that time at my palace, do you think I'd be fooled by your tricks?”

“N..No. I mean ” she breathed, face as red as a tomato. “I know I shouldn't have but.”

Remembering how her aunt used to break into the back way of heaven Feng Jiu decided to disguise herself as one of the deities and did the same.  She didn't see much harm in it as she quietly watched over her Lord Emperor, brewing his favorite tea , dressing in his favorite outfit, or making his favorite snacks. As long as she left no trace, it would be fine.

“Now now,” he said almost kindly, “Did I say anything against it?” Though he should have dissuaded her from returning, her presence was like a drug, and whether or not he could be with her, he would drink it in like the addict he was.

“No.”

“So pray tell” he stroking something attached to his belt, “Why are you so frightened  now?”

Based on the set up in the end,  I strongly believe the new producers could do it.  However, Dong Hua would need to continue that change from after he saw the rock of three incantations, Bai Feng Jiu would have to train and Ji Heng ( Bai Feng Jiu’s rival) would have to be introduced differently.

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Hungary to Eurovision with yet another father song apparently

Hungary, I love you, but you're bringing me down...

Never in my life have I wanted to fight a NF as much as A Dal 2019. The lineup was considerably less engaging with me than the previous year's one (but in the end it turned out to be even MORE engaging than the previous year's one), the design update (to which I got used to like 10 minutes later anyway) happened, the jury exterminated a handful of favourites, and a common Eurofan's worst fear apart from not having at least one glitzy-schlager-fiesta-wrapped entry a year occured yet again - the under/over-staging of songs with potential. What could've been a smooth sailing sweet ballad sung by a man with all his heart turned out to be a confused fisherman's piano boy tune with little to no emotional connection with the televiewer; a killer electropop soundscape piece sprinkled with intensity, fragility and neon-like colors was supposedly performed by a lost-on-stage housewive who probably has 2 kids and 2 cats at home; and that one folksy melody set to campfire suddenly lost all its fire with a snow backdrop behind. Truly a wrong time to become a full-on Hungary stan.

And yet, out of all this hot savaging and rampaging mess, entangled with fan-fave losses and one eliminee too late thanks to a common ESC song's worst fear (plagiarism accusations), emerged one gloriously victorious soul in the shape of a brave man of gypsy 'origo' who once has been elected to Eurovision to make his country proud with his killer ethnic track 2 years ago, and he nailed that right to the T, with the help of an onstage dancer and violinist (both female) to create some space for the song to breathe and exhale the passion of what he sang out of his heart by then - Joci Pápai. Yes, him again! Who did you expect, András Kállay-fucking-Saunders??

Anyways, his song this year is titled “Az én apám” (My father), written by him and partially co-written by a man hiding himself behind the name Caramel (and I prefer caramel candy more than the actual raw caramel tbh), who is probably finally lucky enough to see a composition of his go to Eurovision after he himself couldn’t quite make it as himself right back on the very first A Dal. This year he also wrote a cute little harmless ballad for a 16 year old girl but we’ll discuss her later (maybe), because it’s Joci’s time. Again.

As the title already indicates, it’s another song about a father, and unlike for AWS’s lead singer, Joci’s father is... alive and well, surprisingly, considering Joci is 37 and, at the time of his fatherly loss, Örs Siklósi from AWS was approximately 24-25. That definitely does not mean the parents’ loss can’t come in at any time of your year - A Dal 2019 had a contestant whose mother was murdered when he was NINE. 0_0 Not to mention that some mothers die during childbirth, too. Or even maybe some fathers die before children were born because all they need to be in part of babymaking is to give her satisfaction at the right time and boom, 9 months (or even earlier/later) of wait. But I digress. This is much different song from “Origo” as “Origo” had this ethnic upbeat rhythm to it, with violins included, and was mostly a captivating song with a little bit of rapping because Joci couldn’t fit so many words in all of the other verses he could have thought of for this song without having to extend the song for A Dal submission, so he had to do the rap, sorry “Origo” rap bit’s haters. “Az én apám”, meanwhile, has him project his feelings against a musical backdrop of a little bit more softer, acoustic, chill tune with a little poppier arrangement (and add some violins during his live performance on two of the A Dal shows, that are now a permanent part of the ESC version of the song!). And instead of the Romani onomatopoeia we’re getting “na na na, ya ya yah” in the chorus, which is as nice, but I’d rather “jalomaloma” out some bitches than have this.

For this one, he’s all alone, on his own, except for the other songwriter’s aid (dare I say that this personal song’s lyrics weren’t even written by Joci himself??? Not even a microscope??? Caramel you mastermind you). But mostly on stage, he’s alone. And shoeless. And with a starry-ish backdrop. Simple enough staging for a simple enough song, right? As it’s proven that simplicity can work in the past Eurovisions (see Sobral), and maybe, just maybe, Hungary does stand a chance for once again for being just simple, like Boggie was (but mostly she was more inoffensive and singing about a topic that’s still beaten to death every now and then, although this topic has fizzled out lately, which paved the way to all the love songs dominating NFs now, as well as the Latino craze). Though I doubted it was gonna remain so “simple” after it was revealed the Hungarian team is looking for everyone’s fathers’ pictures to be submitted to them. Yes, it was supposed to be one of THOSE kind of backdrops. I don’t even know what kind of use did Michael Schulte have of the fatherpics people sent HIM! Most of the backdrop focused of his lyric video aesthetic on the choruses, and I remember more of THAT, not the photos... so I doubted it was gonna work out on this one either. But in the end Joci wasn't satisfied with how all of those pics looked, so he will go for only showcasing his very own papi now.

Oh shit I forgot to talk what I feel about the song myself... well, safe to say that I didn’t warm up to it when I first heard the snippet ahead of every other A Dal snippet, but as in full, it just so happened to be nice enough, although I preferred “Origo” because reasons - not to mention that looking back at the A Dal 2017 state that I’ve seen from, I’d probably have had Joci as a legit fave to win it! And I already found Tótova to be too strange at first, unsure if it’s worth it to give them a second shot (post-2nd-listening-note: I did and it wasn’t that... bad?). And so, with low enough expectations, I didn’t even look into his chances all that further, especially with him being sick on the heat 3 day and only managing to barely tie-win in his heat just so he could dominate further rounds. But man did it turn out to be a beast later on.

So let’s, for now, say that I like it, but it’s just one of those artist return expectations that let you down because you really wanted to maybe see them again, but there would never be another song like the first one. Time will probably make me forget it all happened though and I’ll be able to enjoy it as much as “Origo”, as the “na na na” chorus part is really lovely enough. The song though, it is bafflingly too much reliant on too long verses in order to make the song just only have 2 of them and 2 choruses, and for the person that is biased for ‘2 verses - 3 choruses - bridge somewhere in between’ kind of songwriting that I am, it’s lowkey a glaring problem (as I'm finishing this weeks later than initially planned I actually got used to this structure and it even slightly compliments the song, but only slightly), as “Origo” has not only an engaging song but an engaging structure - nothing seems throwable out, nothing seems needed to additionally to be added. This one, however, is just there with its structure, and although hearts and minds are swayed by this, I don’t think I’ll get used to it this as a whole easy, unlike, like I said, time makes me forget the NF messfest and focus my love and support towards those that ARE going, not those that COULD’VE BEEN going. For now, I am not sure if I finished my review rant this properly, but for now, I’ll just wish Joci the best of luck, eventhough he’ll 1) never read this and 2) never understand this :( But still ^_^ Don’t let your nation down, big man and a father of two!

Approval factor: Despite reasons I’ll detail a little later, I’ll approve this entry, as I can’t be mad enough at Joci, for the humble man that he exists as, and the message he’s spreading, and the man he teamed up with. I approve of him but not of the background things.

Follow-up factor: From substance things, let’s just say it’s a bit of a yes and a bit of a no. No because ‘omfg it’s too soon for him wtf!!’ and I agree but if that’s what the juries initially wanted after seeing him in the lineup, and this return of his is now a bit more unnoticed and anonymous... but yes because it’s not a bad choice after AWS, because it was to be expected Hungary will send something softer after going out hard the last time, and they delivered the softness.

Qualification factor: depends on how does the audience feel for this emotionally, if Joci transmits his love for his father and that other supposed message as well well enough to the audience, in this simple staging of things (well if the fatherpic concept is still considered as ‘simple’ and nothing too cheesy or creepy). For now though I’ll be optimistic enough for Hungary - they won’t break their streak this year. If this simple-ish enough staging with just the singer on it doing his best worked for our lovely Ieva last year (despite these two not being a comparable songs), this would as well! And then settle around in top 15 provided enough people are there to give Joci just the right amount of love and patience that he needs (jury is a different question but since it’s not ethno-aggressive I think they might warm up to this as well, despite this being Hungary). Or even 16th-20th.

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

A Dal 2019, with all things considered, needs to immediately die in a hellhole. Mainly because of the juries doing their dirty work by drowning the public favourites yet again, and especially the good ones (I've mentioned some of them earlier in the first paragraph by description). Let me demonstrate two of my favourites to the unsuspecting audience:

• Let’s get the elephant out of the room first. LEANDER FUCKING KILLS. Would you even think they’d have had any sort of victory of a NF potential?? Well, not off the AWS’s heels, considering both them and AWS play metal music. But their 2019 entry, "Hazavágyom", was something else. It’s if your dad went out with a couple of his friends to start a campfire somewhere in the woods, and then he took out a guitar because he remembered that he wanted to play something new he learned after listening to a lot of Irish folk music. And they all go off together - one rhythm drum, one guitar, the others jam out to the rhythm and create a fully-fledged campfire song, and a mysterious violinstress appears out of nowhere to help keep the party going. No really, it’s in the music video. Them being the most positive surprise of the lineup 2019 really melted my heart as I didn't expect so many people siding with another shade of their music. And even I started to draw myself into that song more and more, of how dancy and heartfelt it sounded with them decent lyrics about some sort of personal affection (maybe??), hoping that the jury will listen with their hearts and minds open to this Leander’s change of things and let them win the selection that way. But in the end... you know that Assi Azar quote. That’s right. And even so guess what - their first hurdle was their last. Sure, you can say they had a flawed live performance (no violinstress :( too rough vocals at the last chorus :((((((), but if you crush a future of good potential ahead, you’ll never know what might have you lost and how much would you have liked it better if things were slightly improved according to what you thought that needed to be changed in it. As it is for now, both "Hazavágyom" and Leander Kills ended up being robbed of Tel Aviv 2019. Hats off for trying, though.

• And then we have this fantabulous guy down here, with the name of Gergő Szekér and his journey-like legendary folk-tale, written for us guys, to let the past go, just like a (little) bird, and keep what matters only - “Madár, repülj!” mesmerized me from its first snippet (with me additionally commenting on that he’s a nice guy somehow), and then the full version came - with some rapping, wavy electronic bassline (that we haven’t seen striving since last days of dubstep’s relevancy), great choice of instruments, THAT gorgeous way of singing this whole song - I was ready to run away from the disappointment I had from Leander’s flop and immerse in this song fully knowing that it’s gonna be ‘such a jury darling!’... but a-MOTHERFUCKING-las! The boi missed the mark by 4 points in the superfinal vote-up in order just to tie with the unexpected new jury darling that was even BEATEN by Gergő in the semi, Bogi Nagy (the 16 year old I mentioned earlier)... the last juror thought that shooting up Bence Vavra to the superfinal spot was a good idea, and I can’t blame him as Bence deserved to go to the A Dal final for the little that he has participated in, but NOT AT MY BOI’S EXPENSE. ;_; I truly doubt that at this day and age there’ll be anyone capable of filling in the Gergő shaped hole in my heart... well, I can certainly TRY cutting him out of me, but the pre-NF-hype-build, his song’s remix with his X Faktor’s friends and my imagination of him dancing in the Telavivian postcards and engaging with his new Eurofandom fam through live interviews will haunt me from here on end... ugh.

And normally I hype up the NF participants that I supported last time previous year but then they become just artists for me and I wanted more of their song but not of the actual performer in Eurovision and therefore I don’t want them to ESC anymore, but if both of those above artists go to Eurovision at some point, I’m likely stanning both the hell out of their songs AND themselves, for who they are and who they stand for (hopefully nothing too controversial, we already have had a fanfave oppose gay marriage once so imagine a Hungarian A Dal winner doing the same at some point :O). Leander for his overall talent, Gergő for everything he is (and plus a little bit of mutual acknowledgment I’m gonna talk about later UwU bias is strong ahahaha).

Now with my sorrows out of the way, let’s highlight some more of this shit-fest:

• How the fuck wasn’t Dávid Heatlie’s staging a big meme during the season?? At least nationwide?? Seriously. “La Mama Hotel”, his actual entry, might not be too much of a standout (considering it’s just some by-numbers-synth-heavy song with its only major saving grace being a kickass guitar solo), and he did not perform all his best, BUT THE LAMPS. THE FUCKING LAMPS. Too many of them, and they’re slightly too oldfashioned, but so aesthetically-satisfying out of nowhere. If I were a moth, I’d immediately run to his lamps at any given time, and even stay with them after they’re eventually returned to MTVA’s stage props garage or to a Hungarian IKEA. Yes I know the moth meme is dead btw but so what?

Not to mention the guy himself is a bit of a meme in my eyes.

• I already discussed about this on my only one-time “Fanwank Assimilation” bulletin and I have no intent to reiterate all that I said from there on this one word-for-word but let’s go on anyway. Olivér Berkes, the hipster friend of Zävodi from A Dal 2017, returned on his own to win many more hearts with a soft piano/acoustic ballad “Világítótorony” (lighthouse), which couldn’t have been staged more... disconnectingly. To summarize, it’s somewhat of a love song inspired by a lighthouse symbol (quite literally lol), staged as if it was like fisherman taking care of one lighthouse himself, coming and going to do his thing. And like, there was no click with people that made Olivér stand out with something else other than just this ballad, like he did by constantly tele-qualifying with Ádám Szabó’s current girlfriend back in A Dal 2016 and being put in the superfinal with aforementioned Zävodi in 2017. His song itself was just a nice song and kind of a lot people liked it it seems, but I wasn’t really getting it until too much later on after Olivér’s heat was over, so I was surprised with his elimination, but my feelings I got from this song off my first impression weren’t disappointed over this. Check his performance here.

• Can I call Rozina Pátkai a highlight? You might have not heard of her unless you’re Hungarian and/or THAT into their jazz scene, as she’s big on there. This year though she has had a “noisy electropop” song through to the chosen 30 of the A Dal selection, and it was of the name “Frida”. Nothing was too bad until she also ended up having some unfortunate first-hand mis-staging. I did say at the beginning of this post that she kinda looked like “lost-on-stage housewife who probably has 2 kids and 2 cats at home”, and that’s just me not being fond of the outfit she got, though I don’t really imagine in better clothes, or do I? Nevertheless, the Rubik’s cube visuals of her pictures and bright pink lighting (where visible) looked great on her staging somehow (and the on-screen effects), just not the visual aesthetic of the singer’s. Witness it here. Also witness what I meant with the visual parts of things:

Triple woman?? now I’m scared

who’s this shocked gal in the background that got cubed???? UwU

curious woman telling you a bedtime story on TV

Sorry, these captions are a little too silly, but still. The jurors were alright with it except for one (and that’s also the one who killed Olivér’s chances too a little) and the televote was harsh (5 points, yikes, the lowest ever telescore of this A Dal year). Well, if it was studio, we’d probably see her through, but me personally, I saw it as a semifinalist at best when I first heard her song. Now I think it would have been decent enough for a final too maybe? As at least the chorus of this is good but I was never too hooked on the first verse as it always reminds me of the annoyingly soft indie pop that dominates the current music trends... well alas.

(Sidenote: maybe her moterly styling was dedicated to her future child she’s currently carrying? Yep, turns out Rozina is currently pregnant, just like one other A Dal contestant this year!)

• A personal highlight for me, besides that one time Gergő Sz. spoke out to an ESCBubble interviewer that “there’s this, like, a guy or a girl from Lithuania, and [he] said “yeah, I’ve some re-LAH-tivs [sic] ... in Lithuania and she was like *exasperated gasp noise* “Lithuania! Oh my God! We love you so much!”” (and for a matter of fact, it was me :) I’ve been only acknowledged once ever but the acknowledgement still exists!!), was discovering Fatal Error (and USNK but mainly just Fatal Error) before they entered A Dal 2019 with THE EXACT SAME SONG I FIRST HEARD OF THEIRS. Yeah. “Kulcs” music video featured Örs Siklósi, your favourite Hungarian screamer/singer, as a presenter rather than a part of the song, and a good-ass metal song did he present. And as the A Dal 2019 season rolled on at the beginning, Fatal Error were on my hyping target until some better songs came on and I didn’t feel like stanning Fatal Error’s song as much as I only stanned them because they’re here for the fans even more at even more times than I expected them to be - liking their comments on the band’s Instagram and Youtube posts - nothing against other contestants though (Leander included), if they have their lives to carry on and only sit down to check Instagram twice a week or so, it’s perfectly fine. :) I am quite sure Joci is probably like this also. Nevertheless, Fatal Error totally rocked, despite coming off AWS’s heels, and they’re at least encouraging other rock acts to come over to A Dal to open themselves to the world of many eager people discovering new artists every now and then. Just like the victory of AWS sort of did. Also one of the guys from that band said that their mother was delighted to see his band live, which brings us to...

• ...The Middletonz, a fresh new band for András Kállay-Saunders to leech on through next few A Dals now that the band of his name is no longer a thing. They, and yesyes, were the first ever fan favourites to emerge, mainly for sounding modern and having these artists people hate seeing back to A Dal only because of so many tries in the show, but happy to see back in hopes for them finally taking A Dal by their hands (and for András it’s a ‘finally AGAIN’ moment), but problems arose when the juries weren’t fond of both Middletonz AND yesyes, so much so that the frontman of the latter band spoke that he’s not coming back to A Dal again (unless he lies to us by coming back in 2022 or so). What amuses me more about The Middletonz, other than the song (which is fine for the most part, the D’n’B + acoustics mix is neat and catchy, but the beat drops harder than my will to live, and it IS bad (okay further listens later it’s not THAT bad but still... you gotta have had tried harder, men), is their nationality. Besides the hidden phantom member of the group that we never heard on any interview but appeared to be present (at least on the heat stage of the NF), here we have András, which is Hungarian-American, and his friend of the (nick)name of Slashkovic, which is Dutch-Iranian! That’s a colourful palette of double nationalities. And not to mention, despite it being a minority language, therefore a perfectly fine addition, some Russian language is heard in their song, courtesy of Slashko himself. That and on the A Dal 2019 final night Slashko had his parents watching him perform live for the first time... and based on the amount of years he has hidden that from his parents, it took him SO DAMN LONG somehow to reveal himself. Damn. Anyways, anyone up here to bet we’ll see András again, especially after him being reminded to “never give up” by one of his fans? Well, now that he has definitely seen Joci win A Dal twice on his both attempts, it’s highkey positive. Now with or without Slashko? We’ll see.

• The infamous plagiarism incident, which actually hung like a shadow on one of the contestants and those accusations probably scared him for life, and then the scandal outright knifed out a completely different contestant, Petruska (if you remember him from 2016, you know who he is), a little too late into the competition. If you were so certain his song sounded alike, you’d have either eliminated him in the heats or not accepted his song at all, which... maybe did sound like a Vampire Weekend song, I’ll let you judge.

I can’t be arsed to highlight anyone else because there was a lot to go after. Like, two young-bun A Dal acts that came from the same kidshow (different season though) and one did the song all by himself but couldn’t carry it quite as far despite his basic technotronic visuals, another was completely dependent on Caramel’s songwriting capabilities and fared WAY better than everyone else expected, tied-winning the heat with Joci, being the 3rd qualifier on the semi and beating Gergő Sz. during the superfinal vote-up by 4 points (and Feró’s endorsement lol). Yes the latter person I was talking about was Bogi Nagy. Have her song linked too if you want to listen to it. (I could have also talked about her sitting on a hula hoop and having a long extended projector dress to showcase her childhood pictures onto, but that’s just a song-saving gimmick in my opinion, and I don’t wanna waste my thoughts on her any longer tbh.) And USNK, those two that won X Faktor 2018, Soundcloud-rapped a song about HASHTAGS HASHTAGS HASHTAGS, gave a needlessly over-colourful stage show and took Leander’s spot of qualification to the semis through televoting (and additionally pissed me and borisbubbles off. Ya welcome for an indirect tag too!). Wow. But enough being a bitter Betty, I’ll have to let the bird fly until the next NF season and wait for some more eager names to cheer for, even if they don’t have an exciting “#háttérzaj” of nationalities. Until then, A Dal, my love...

[merlinthoughts]

Season 1 Episode 4 - The Poisoned Chalice

- god fucking dammit here we go again, i'm bloody done with my life and do not, at all, want to see merlin die bc i don't remember anything except that, yeah, he dies and someone has to get off their ass and save the motherfucking day and kiss him

- i realise how much i swear in these posts bc 1. when do i not? 2. i'm emotionally invested 3. i have no other excuse i just like swearing

- AAAND NIMUEHS IN CAMELOT SHE THINKS SHE'S SO SLY WITH HER HEAD THING

- id recognise her in a split second tbfh, she aint subtle

- *heterosexual tension*

- merlins skin be looking so smooth this episode, this boy be wearing lots of Dove

- he looked so excited to be in the banquet, then arthur just fucking slashes him with “not quite” and his hopes and dreams are destroyed

- “wanna see what you’ll be wearing tonight?” arthur says as he's behind the fucking changing curtains, about to get undressed and show merlin his birthday suit

- i honest to god thought that was where he was going, but no, he was just getting something from behind it

- “tonight you’ll be wearing the official ceremonial robes of the servants of camelot” IT'S A FUCKING DRESS ISN'T IT

- aw damn id have preferred a dress

- that smile shared between them was the most adorable scene

- god

- i

- fucking

- love

- their

- smiles 

- sm

- best thing ive ever seen

- i mean… hunty look at that piece of glistening butter beauty

- wow ok back to the episode:

- bros being bros and giving each other a handshake to destroy the mortal enemy pack and put together a family, we stan.

- as if a servant who has only had eye sex with another servant ONCE would trust them enough to say that one of the chalices were poisoned. like??? “ur the only one i could tell” LMAO NO?

- she's a sly fucking dog tfbh

- “if he kills arthur, uthers soul will be broken and camelot will fall” at this rate uther prob wouldn't care if his son dies or not, look at him, he's already mentally broken. he has anxiety and paranoia over magic. child services where u at in the medieval ages?

- i wouldn't believe a word she said, or well, id have believed it was poisoned but id say yeah no damn way you aren't in on it if you know which one it is. bayard wouldn't tell a fucking servant.

- HE'S GONNA SNAP ISN'T HE

- MERLIN FUCKING SNAPPED

- yknow what we say here folks? U DO U MERLIN

- okay i was fine if uther made bayard drink it but like the moment uther said “mmmh… no.” and slowly turned to merlin i think my arteries just crunched together and died so

- “if it is poisoned, he’ll die” HE'S FUCKING SCARED MERLIN WILL PASS AWAY ISN'T HE?

- “it's fine” he says, then starts to fucking choke

- ah fuck he's down

- my boy is down

- FUCK ME SIDEWAYS WITH A CHAINSAW

- ARTHUR CROUCHES NEXT TO HIM LIKE “BB NO”

- lmfao bayard looks so shocked, his face is in disbelief and confusion, he's like who tf done me bad

- arthurs carrying merlin fireman style this is what i live for folks

- did like nobody notice the flower stuck on the inside of the cup? like honestly if you take a sip you’d kinda spot it or perhaps even the person pouring the drinks would have been “is this chamomile tea? no? then what the fuckery-doo is this leaf in here for?” yknow. it's like that scene in Matilda when the angry buff lady completely missed a fucking salamander in her cup when it was the size of her bloody hand. it brings out the same mood honestly

- does gaius have an index for these books or does he just have every page memorised and know exactly what page to go bc I FUCKING NEED THAT it would make bio so much easier if i knew what page it was on instead of looking back and forth from the homework sheet to my textbook, then closing it by accident and having to find the index again for that specific page i need

- arthur wants to fucking go on a life-or-death journey to save merlin i've never been so happy

- this is honestly my favourite episode, like it may be really fucking angsty but i love it so much

- arthur betrays his dad and leaves his room even after being told not to just so he can save a servants life is literally my new moto

- NO IT WON'T LOAD MY NETFLIX IS STUCK ON 99%

- okay so while i'm waiting for my shit to load, i just discovered the new fucking tumblr rule starting dec 17 and i'm like 0.2 inches away from just spamming NSFW pics on here just for laughs

- like hunty, that won't stop people from posting elsewhere or for thinking about sex bc like??? whatchu gonna do tumblr?? get the fbi to erase it from our minds

- i think nOT thot

- watch me get flagged for just using the fucking term “NSFW”

- i'm gonna end up asterisking everything (is asterisking a word? wow it has red under it so like probably not but i just added it to my dictionary so uhh it is now)

- by asterisking i dont mean furry kin shit ew no

- i mean like N*FW, s*x, t*mblr, m*rthur

- god it took me like 20 minutes to calibrate my fucking wifi and fix the connection problem

- wow the stage for the poison increased by 75% in 30 mins, damn

- merlins like like having a conniption on his bed lmao, chanting arthurs name and sweating lot

- do we ever find out how uther gets that scar bc i'm like 100% positive arthur was a little child and swayed his fucking sword too hard just as uther rounded the corner. the sword then collided into his fucking brain and destroyed a good part of his intelligence, targeting especially his morals on how to accept people and how to be a good father

- that’s my theory

- merlin starts talking enchantments in his sleep while gwens watching, and gaius is just there like wtf merlin ur blowing ur cover “oh! gwen!! uhhh sorry. he’s just... in a latin study group in his pastime and has an oral presentation in minutes”

- omg, nimueh, stfu

- i didn't know dinosaurs existed back then, this reptile be whack

- y’know what's funny? ppl thinking dinosaurs didn’t exist. i find creationism very very very intriguing bc how fucking stupid could you be

- that sword throw was faker than my moms tits

- arthur could have done better

- k but like what if merlin’s hand wasn’t under the covers? like he was just throwing that blue ball around right in front of gwen

- can arthur like not hear her? nimuehs literally enchanting the rocks right behind his ear lobes and arthur acts nothing of it until those said rocks collapse and he gasps and suddenly he realises shes evil

- also his fucking hair in this scene looks glorious. perhaps bc it's pushed back rather than his bowl cut, but its doing things to my abdomen

- i thought for a second she was pulling off her mask to say “nimueh” and arthur was gasping bc he only recognised her after her hair was shown, just like in that scene with joker and harvey in the hospital

- OH RIGHT THE SPIDERS I LIKE COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THOSE SONS OF A GUNS

- i’d be dead if those spiders came crawling up to eat me lmfao

- k so nimueh went from :) to >:D in half a second

- i'm smelling up those symbolisms, boys

- watch out pals cause here are some of them:

- merlin is the LIGHT of arthur’s life

- he LIGHTS up the party

- he gives arthur a BRIGHTER future

- he's the GUIDE for his path

- hahhahahaha

- i'm serious when i say i have a huge fear of insects (spiders count in that too, no discrimination) so i'm just putting that there, saying to yall id be fucking terrified

- gaius would be so confused, like we don't see his face here but merlins close-up sweaty concentrated frown, but he’s literally just screaming “ARTHUR!!” “FASTERRR!!” “YESS!!” “CLIMB!!!” gaius would be looking like he walked into something he wasn't supposed to. prob thinking he should just let the kid die so he doesn’t have to deal with this shit anymore

- UTHER LOCKED HIS SON AWAY I'M FUCKING QUESTIONING HIS PARENTING SKILLS

- that's grounding???? throwing ur child in prison???

- yes 999 can i have child services on his ass

- gwens so smart honestly i love her

- pretending to be a maiden for the food, god what a queen

- arthur buying it and saying “yuck you say this is food?! disgustang!”

- the fact that i misspelled disgusting but it autocorrected to disgustang (which is originally what i wanted but autocorrect shouldn’t have known) makes me consider if i should really check my dictionary…. who knows what words are on there

- they’re so smart

- and then this fucker ruins it all while eating his food, checking her out and saying yeah arthurs a prick, hyuck hyuck, realising only that wait fuck u aint the maiden

- how’d they know GWEN was the one not supposed to have delivered the food, what if it was that chick right there???

- welll….. maybe it's because gwen took her sweet time up those steps, staring as if she couldn’t blink at the guards below

- i forget what happens at the end of this episode besides the kiss, and there's like 9 minutes left my fingers may rot at this point

- wake him up! wake him up!

- OH WAIT HE DOESN'T FUCKING WAKE UP DOES HE AND EVERYONE PANICS

- YEAH OKAY I'M SEEING THAT NOW

- MERLIN STOPPED BREATHING

- LMAO GWEN IS IN TEARS

- “HE'S DEAD” SHE SAYS

- ARTHUR BB COME IN HERE TO KISS UR HUBBY ALIVE

- OH WAIT UR IN FUCKING PRISON

- WAIT UP, HE'S ALIVE AND SHE KISSES HIM AFTERWARDS????

- FUCK ME I THOUGHT FOR THE WHOLE EPISODE THE KISS HAPPENED BC HE COULDN'T WAKE UP THAT'S FUCKING WITH ME I DIDN'T KNOW

- i keep forgetting to switch up the cap locks, sorry if it seems im screaming im legit using my inside voice for most of the time just emphasizing my words a little more

- goddamn, everytime they say mercia i just think of “murica”, like those americans on the 7th of july or whatever date the “we love our country” day is, chanting it as they throw around beers and fireworks as people gather round in jerseys or crop tops

- it's not that hard to spot the european on here

- the most celebrated holiday here which contains a lot of beers and big pub gatherings (besides every fucking night honestly) is either new years, lowkey stereotypically correct saint patricks, and ig easter monday but that's more for the kiddos

- i mean ofc christmas and all that shit but im not the most devoted christian, i just like presents and small gatherings among good friends

- wow okay it wasn't the 7th of july

- i mean at first i looked up “USA day” (i couldn’t remember the name) and it popped up today’s date, and i was like no thats not it at all. dec?? its in like july i think. and i was close! it was july 4th.

- uther damn knows it's nimueh!!!

- i mean, he just overheard morgana and arthur talk about it, and initiated himself into a convo about it once morgana left, as his sneaky ass just slithered up like “hey man, u know that woman? yeah uhh, what she say? anything about me? no? k i know who it is tho”

- i thought he was going to apologize or like explain to arthur what's the sitch, but he just waits for five whole seconds before saying. “those who practice magic know only evil. they despise and seek to destroy goodness wherever they find it.”

- arthur, confused: sounds as if you know her

- uther, walking away: i do

- arthur:

- wow k lots of fucking quotes here cause it's the merthur reunion

- get ready babs

- arthur: still alive then?

- merlin: oh yes, just about… i understand i have you to thank for that

- arthur, leaning on the chair merlin is sitting in, stifling a smile: ah it's nothing, a half-decent servant is hard to come by. i was only dropping by to make sure you’re alright… i.... expect you to be back to work tomorrow

- merlin, watching arthur as he slightly walks away having embarrassed himself: arthur... thank you

- arthur, slowly: you too

- they stare for like 5 whole seconds

- arthur, uncomfortable: well… get some rest

- there we go folks: my eulogy.

- hope someone reads it at my funeral

[adoringcalliopeandgamzee]

HEY

NOW THAT I HAVE YOuR ATTENTION. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

*BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAAAAHHHH*

NAH NOT REALLY.

I WANNA MAKE A CANON CALL POST. I WANT TO FIND GAMZEE, CALLIOPE, AND THE FELT MEMBERS, AND REALLY ANYBODY.. IM JuST AFRAID APPROACHING Y’ALL WOuLD SCARE Y’ALL.

THIS CALIBORN WASN’T THAT BAD I PROMISE, SO I HOPE YOuRS WASN’T TOO.

LONG BELOW. I GOT CARRIED AWAY LMAO. (TW: MENTIONS OF BLOOD, GORE, INTENSE INJuRY AND DEATH.

CALLIE AND I LOOKED LIKE EXACTLY HOW I DRAW uS. I’LL SEND PICS AS NEEDED BuT IM LAZY. I STILL KILLED HER. 

WE SENT EACHOTHER NOTES VIA OuR SYLLABuS. PLAYED CHESS. LIKE IN CANON.

I HAD A SILLY CONVO WITH NOIR. HIM GIVING ME THE SICKEST BuRN.

“So describe this sister.” “uGH OKAY. IMAGINE ME. BuT GREEN.” “You’re already green, bub.” “OKAY THEN AN uGLY GROSS GREEN.” “Still you.”

GAMZEE POPPED IN AND OuT WHEN WE WERE GROWING uP, BuT I NEVER KNEW HIM BEFORE I DOMINATED. HE JuST LEFT THINGS AND BOLTED.

I REMEMBER JEERING DIRK AND OuR LITTLE PORNO FEST. BuT WE NEVER QuITE CLICKED. HE WAS THE ONLY KID I REALLY LIKED THO, SO MuCH IT WAS A RED BLACK MESS.

HE SENT ME THE PARTS TO MY LEG AND HELPED ME PuT IT TOGETHER. HE KNEW THAT CALLIOPE WAS A GONER NO MATTER WHAT HE SAID SO MAY AS WELL.

TuRNS OuT IM NOT A VERY GOOD BITE. THE LEG CAME OFF! BLOOD DIDN’T STOP. I WAS RuNNING ON ADRENALINE AND SPITE AS I JAMMED IT ON AND ENTERED. IT HuRT LIKE THE WORST BITCH YOu COuLD IMAGINE.

I STuFFED CALLIOPE’S ART AROuND IT WHILE I WALKED, AND WALKED, AND WALKED. AS I APPROACHED THE TOWER AND GAMZEE, EVERYTHING WAS FuZZY. I BLINKED HARD AND FOCuSED THO. WASN’T LETTING NO BLOODLOSS GET ME DOWN!

GAMZEE SCARED THE SHIT OuT OF ME LMAO. I DIDN’T SHOOT HIM BuT MAN DID I BOOK IT. GAMZEE FOLLOWED AFTER ME, MAINLY BCAuSE HE WAS CONCERNED ABOuT THE SEMI-STEADY TRAIL OF BLOOD.

MY FIRST CONVO WITH HuSSIE IS ONE I CAN BARELY REMEMBER. I TOLD HIM TO BE QuIET, HE CALLED ME IRRATIONAL FOR BITING MY LEG OFF, THEN QuIETED DOWN BCAuSE HE WONDERED IF I WAS EVEN OKAY.

I DON’T REMEMBER MY RESPONSE, I PASSED OuT. I WOKE uP THO, SO DW. I WAS IN A WEIRD LITTLE SPOT, AND WHEN I LOOKED DOWN, MY LEG WAS BANDAGED WITH PuRPLE FABRIC. 

GAMZEE SAVED ME, AND FED ME TOO. SOME MEAT AND SPECIAL STARDuST, CAN FIX ANY LEG ISSuES. I DRANK ONE OF HIS POTIONS TOO. I THINK THE ONE OF ERIDAN’S BLOOD. TOLD HIM IT WAS REALLY SALTY WATER AND IT WAS GROSS.

I FOuND THE CROWBAR JuJu THERE, AND THE KEYS I NEEDED TO CHANGE MY TEXT COLOuR.

IM uNSuRE WHEN I GOD TIERED, BuT I REMEMBER BEING REALLY NONCHALANT OVER IT. GAMZEE WAS WORRIED FOR ME, BuT I JuST GuNNED MYSELF IN THE STOMACH AND GOT IT OVER WITH. 

THE FELT MEMBERS DIDN’T EXACTLY TRuST ME AT FIRST. SOME DID! ITCHY AND DOZE HAD NO GRIPES AGAINST ME (I KICKED ITCHY WHERE THE CHARMS DON’T SHINE BCAuSE HE WOuLDN’T STOP TO LET ME LOOK AT HIM.) , CLOVER LIKED ME AND TRACE AND FIN WERE NEuTRAL. DIE WAS SILLY AND MOSTLY JuST KEPT QuIET. CROWBAR WAS ANNOYED I DIDN’T GET THE POINT ABOuT GIVING HIM THE CROWBAR JuJu. 

STITCH WAS AWESOME. HE WAS LIKE A SOuTHERN GRANDPA. I REMEMBER HE MADE THE EFFIGY JuJu OF ME AND REASSuRED ME THAT GETTING MY MEASuREMENTS  WASN’T A TRAP. I SQuARED uP TO FIGHT AND HE JuST TAPPED MY HEAD AND TOLD ME TO LET THOSE GuNS DOWN.

I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW WHAT SAWBuCK WAS TO ME, HE WAS JuST? KINDA THERE. TuBBY, NICE. EH. MATCHSTICKS TOO. FIRE’S COOL THO! I LIKED LOOKING AT THEM.

EGGS AND BISCuITS. MAN THOSE GuYS. THEY ANNOYED ME SO MuCH. BuT I GOT uSED TO THAT. BISCuITS KILLED ME, BuT I CAME BACK DuE TO BEIN A FRESH GOD TIER AT THE TIME. HE SMASHED ME WITH THE OVEN TO PROTECT HIMSELF AND EGGS WHEN I STARTED WHACKING THEM FOR COVERING ME WITH DOuBLES.

I GAINED SOME RESPECT FOR HIM AT THAT.

QuARTERS AND CANS! LOVE THOSE DuDES! CANS WAS ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS. HE WASN’T AS BIG AS IN THE COMIC, BuT HE WAS PRETTY BIG. I COuLD SIT AND SLEEP ON HIS SHOuLDER WITHOuT MuCH ISSuE.

I ASKED CANS TO SHOW ME WHAT HE COuLD DO, HE PuNCHED ME INTO NEXT WEEK. I TIME-TRAVELED BACK, AND STuMBLED OVER TO HIM, HOLDING MY SIDES AND WENT. “YOu. I LIKE YOu.” THEN LAID ON THE GROuND uNTIL I COuLD BREATHE AGAIN.

I HAD A GAME OVER TIMELINE. I REMEMBERED FIGHTING JOHN AND HE WAS IN FOR BLOOD. MOST I CAN REMEMBER FROM IT HIS HIM SLAMMING MY FACE INTO MY TABLET AND TEARING MY CAPE uP.

GAMZEE CAME CRAWLING BACK, SAWED IN TWO. I IMMEDIATELY PANICKED. I CARED FOR HIM, IN A WAY. I WAS ALREADY IN SHOCK OVER JOHN AND THIS DIDN’T HELP. I SCRAMBLED TO TRY AND SAVE HIM. I PLOPPED TOWELS AROuND HIM, AND TOOK A SET OF NEEDLES FROM STITCH AND TRIED TO SEW HIM uP.

IT DIDN’T WORK, AS uSING THREAD TO SEW uP A MAN WOuLD. I HAD SLIPPED IN HIS BLOOD AND FELL DOWN, AND IT MIXED WEIRDLY WITH MY RED TEARS.

THEN I WOKE uP. RETCON? TIMELINE SPLIT? DREAM? I DIDN’T KNOW. I MARCHED RIGHT TO GAMZEE, AND SAW HIM. ALIVE. WHOLE. I HuGGED HIM AND HE ROCKED ME uNTIL I FELT BETTER.

I DON’T REMEMBER MuCH ELSE, SO THEN I WENT TO FIGHT YALDABAOTH. I. uH. LOST HORRIBLY.

THE FIGHT STARTED WITH ME WHACKING HIM WITH THE CROWBAR AND STEADILY CLIMBING HIM. HE LIGHT-BLASTED ME INTO THE WALL AND MY CROWBAR STuCK ITSELF RIGHT NEAR MY NECK. I GRABBED IT WHILE HOLDING ONTO THE WALL, TOOTH AND NAIL WITH MY CLAWS.

FuCKER BuRNED ME! IMPuLSIVELY, I THREW IT TO THE GROUND AND IT STuCK uP, POINTED. I HAD TO LET GO AND FALL. I THINK I COuLD FLY, BuT I DIDN’T. IT WAS LIKE FALLING IN A MOVIE. SLOW AND THEN ABRuPT.

I FELL ON THE CROWBAR, AND IT WENT ALL THE WAY THROuGH ME. IT WAS STuPID.

I HAD DIED AND IT WAS NOBODIES FAuLT BuT MY OWN. I WOKE uP WHO KNOWS WHERE AND ARADIA WAS THERE TO GREET ME. SO WAS A DIRK.

“MY” DIRK DIED IN GAME OVER. I NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN. THIS ONE WAS NICER THO. WE GOT TOGETHER IN A BLACK/RED RELATIONSHIP, WHICH WAS MOSTLY ME JuST BEING WEIRD OVER CHERuB ROMANCE.

THINGS WERE NICE IN THE DREAMBuBBLES, ESPECIALLY WITH NO LORD ENGLISH. I NEVER SAW OF HIM.

I DON’T KNOW IF HE EXISTED AT ALL. I DIDN’T MIND THO. I WAS HAPPIER AS A GHOST.

I MET A KANAYA WHO FIXED MY CAPE, AND LAuGHED ABOuT TIME SHIT WITH A JOHN.

I MET KANKRIS WHO TAuGHT ME STuFF ABOuT BEIN A BETTER PERSON. SOME DID. SOME WERE ANNOYING.

DIRK AND I WERE HAPPY TOGETHER. GOING ON ADVENTuRES, HAVING FuN, NO MORE GAME. NO MORE WORRIES. NO MORE EVIL.

I WAS NEW. I WAS SINLESS. I WAS FORGIVEN. AND I WAS LOVED.

HEHEHE, THAT WENT ALL RAMBLY. THERE MAY BE SOME STuFF I FORGOT, BuT I HOPE I CAN TALK TO YOu ALL.

[flyingcatstiel]

Hi! So I'm new to SPN fandom and I was pretty shocked by how people treated Cas's death in 12.23 like a joke and endlessly mocked sad fans. When I confronted them, they shrugged and called it payback because for 8 years the Destiel/Cas stans were horrible people who bullied non-shippers and even tried to get Jared fired from the show or slandered Jensen as a homophobe. Is any of this true?!?! I know there are bad apples in every subfandom but how horrible were the Destiel/Cas stans?

Awww, there, there, don’t be sad and welcome to fandom where we all have different opinions and our emotions run high. Just like at a real family gathering. 

tl;dr - destiel/Cas stans are not horrible, but I’ll block any anon who will sent hate or wank to me. Give it up guys, pet a dog, take a walk, take a sunset picture. Talk about things you love instead of hating on Cas. 

OK, you already know that there’s a bunch of SPN subfandoms and we all feel very differently and passionately about same characters & actors. That’s a good start! From your examples, however, I get a feeling that you are either following or asking these questions to only one specific group of people - folks who hate Cas/Misha and destiel. They may disguise themselves as non shippers or just “objective” fans of the show, but I’m sure if you go through their blogs and tags you will soon find out that they are not silent victims of “horrible” destiel shippers.

My advice - unfollow blogs if you feel uncomfortable with their content, don’t engage.  Find blog who are more in line with your interests. There’s plenty of positive shipping, non shipping or single character driven blogs. It takes some time to find them, that’s true. I remember I followed some Cas hating blogs at first since they were so witty and snarky about the show. It took me time to realize that they hate destiel/Cas since they didn’t declare it on every post. Well, and their URLs should have been a hint, but I didn’t realize it at the time. 

Now to your questions. 

Fans who treated Cas’ death as a joke, mocked sad fans and told you that this is a payback are Cas/Misha haters. Period. Those are fans who send petitions to the show to fire Misha, those are the fans who complain about Cas, those are fans who collected money and bought presents for SPN leads, Jensen, Jared and Mark S to celebrate 200th episode and somehow forgot to include Misha. Those are the fans who humiliate Misha during photo ops, and atttacked Jensen for posting sunset pic (go through my sunsetgate tag and find kelios post to see how entitled fans try to influence the show). If you are curious about other perspective, check out bibrosbelike blog, they are not active anymore, but they posted a lot of messages about fandom wank. 

I’ve no idea what they mean by “8 years the Destiel/Cas stans were horrible people who bullied non-shippers”. Links please, stories with links please. I agree, there could have been individual blogs who engaged in arguments or send disrespectful messages to the shippers of other pairing, but it was never on the same scale as hate against destiel shippers and Cas fans. 8 years ago destiel/cas fans were a much smaller group than we are now. In season 7 Cas was dead. See this post by zatnikatel where she talks how stressful was s6-7 for Cas fans in fandom. To say that destiel shippers were attacking somebody at that time is ridiculous. 

There’s possibility of course that some people consider the very existence of destiel shippers in fandom as a deliberate attack on them, just like some fans think that Cas is stealing precious screen time from Sam and Dean. I doubt they’re non shippers themselves tho. 

Next - “even tried to get Jared fired from the show”  Links please, screenshots, etc. And not just opinion of one or two fans. If all destiel shippers are accused of something like this, please provide evidence of fan campaign. Personally, I’ve never seen a destiel shipper who who wants Sam to be gone from the show. Never. If anything, destiel shippers bend backwards and talk about their love for Sam all the time. The phrase “I ship destiel and love Sam” is a staple in this fandom. 

Last - “slandered Jensen as a homophobe”. This is a very sensitive topic and open to an interpretation. Let’s start with a basic definition. Slander means false and malicious statement. See this article and this tumblr post about the issue. I’m sure you can find more by doing some google search.  So, it is really up to you to decide how to interpret fan reaction to some unfortunate stuff Jensen said during cons. Is it slander? Is it overreaction? I agree that fans could stop asking these questions, since answers usually ignite fandom wank. But then again, this is frikkin 2017. So many actors from much bigger TV shows and movie franchises embrace queer interpretation of their characters (like Mark Hamill). It is sad that we can’t have the same on SPN. Destiel shippers are still dealing with trolls who are enraged with our bisexual Dean headcanons. I’d be wary of any person who blames destiel shippers for fandom wank but ignores all hate and attacks that are aimed at us. 

Take care anon!

[todokori-kun]

Ok:

Luna, you’re the best. You’re smart, you’re talented, you’re dedicated, you’re creative and caring, a wonderful listener, so much fun to debate with, and the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I’m so grateful for everything you’ve helped me with ever since we started talking; I respect your resolve. You’re unique and amazing, and I’m so, so sorry this is happening to you.

I won’t go into detail because it’s a complicated story that’s also way too long, but I’ve sort of felt that way before too (thinking it might be better if I just disappeared/wishing I didn’t exist/feeling worthless). It sucks.

I don’t know if this’ll help, but just know that I’m always here to listen if you need it. You can Email me (though I guess that’s probably not an option lol) or just, like, I don’t know, maybe post something on the blog like ‘Evans can we talk’ and I’ll definitely see it and respond because I stalk this place 24/7 (Evans is a creep please don’t encourage her). I’ve also been considering finally getting a tumblr so maybe we’ll be able to PM each other sometime.

There’s absolutely nothing to apologize for. It’s really brave to talk about stuff like this (I never can). And if there’s any way I can help, please, let me know.

  (Also, funny story (it’s actually gross and is basically just Evans whining about stuff):

I know from experience that stomach-related sicknesses suck. When I first started taking swimming lessons I was an idiot with zero stamina who could barely swim halfway across the pool without coming up for air, so needless to say, I ended up gulping a ton of water (especially since my teacher didn’t go easy on me; mom told her not to because I’m a sloth and I usually won’t do any exercise on my own besides simple stretches and some walking/running). I mean, the water in swimming pools is usually a bit disgusting, and it’s even worse where I take lessons because it’s a pretty old place and I don’t think it gets cleaned that often… so not only did accidentally swallowing it trigger my clean-freak senses, I also ended up with a terrible stomachache. I thought it was fine, that it would pass. But then I got a fever and every other thing I ate made me feel like someone was twisting my intestines from the inside, I couldn’t even lie down and rest for a sec because whenever I moved or tried to change positions it got even worse ;p; (also my mom never let it go, she kept jokingly 'reminding’ me that water from a swimming pool is not something you should drink after I started swimming again. I guess I kinda deserved it, though. I was an idiot))

That sounds so lovely <3 I’d really love to go visit Norway myself sometime, though I’ll probably have to wait a few years (my mom has back problems that make it painful for her to stay in one position for too long, so long plane/car rides are a huge no). And oooh if you have any good pictures I’d love to see them :D

Thanks, I’m glad I managed to explain my shipping reasons (like it’s so hard to properly talk about why I ship stuff sometimes XD)! I would give anything to have you join me in Stoki hell so let me just recommend basically the entire Remember This Cold series (it’s angsty as heck so proceed with caution…there are bits of humor and fluff in there, though, and then some extremely rare (almost) pure fluff fics. Like the one where Steve wants to propose but is a nervous bean because Loki’s a PRINCE and he wants to make it perfect). I’ll also try to find some more good fics later becase I can’t remember any titles right now ^^;;

YES ANOTHER T'CHALLA FAN I adore this guy (also I feel like he has a really cool voice. Not really sure why, it just sounds so nice). I really respect him for his attitude towards Steve and Bucky after he figures out Bucky’s not the real murderer, and how he later stops letting his anger towards his father’s killer consume him.

We’ll fangirl over the Black Panther movie together when it comes out, won’t we *schwing*

(right after I wrote 'schwing’ I got this mental image of Hisoka having his glowing, expolsive schwing moments after seeing T'Challa. And then Hisoka schwinging in theater while watching MCU movie fight scenes. Why am I like this)

I can draw, but I don’t know how to animate so these memes will never be a thing ;-; it’s so sad, I’ve got everything planned out…everytime eyes are mentioned the screen zooms in on Illumi’s eyes (yes even when Illumi’s not in the song because he’s a Zoldyck assassin, you can’t keep him out) and the word 'eyes’ gets the weird treatment where all these high/low/metallic(?) voices get layered so it sounds like the creepiest thing ever

('History has its eyes on you but it’s actually Illumi’ is both the animatic I want to see the most and the animatic I hope will never be created)

Fun HxH facts I want to let you know about:

Kite (AKA Ging’s student and Gon’s big brother figure) is dead and has been brainwashed into being a weapon/punching bag for his captors. When sunshine angel Gon meets the new Kite he lets Kite beat him up and then hugs him, promising to save him (THE FEEEEEEELSS)

Forgot to mention this about Chrollo, but when Kurapika killed one of his troupe (a guy named Uvogin), Chrollo acted all cool and never really talked about Uvo…

but then he had the rest of the troupe murder 2000 mafiosi guarding a building they were trying to get into, and while watching the chaos from afar, listening to their enemy’s screams, he started waving his hands as if conducting an orchestra…

“Uvogin-san. Can you hear it? This requiem we’re dedicating to you.”

(jeez Chrollo we know you’re extra but you can’t just murder 2000 people and play a funeral march with their cries of horror every time you lose a subordinate)

Lastly: There’s a new character named Knuckle who’s like the HxH version of Metal Bat. He is the sweetest cinnamon roll. I love him. I’ll send you a pic later

So um did you hear the news about Hinami

(Queen Luna cosplaying Maka(? or any of the other three MCs)…omg that sounds so awesome)

*facepalm* ok WHOOPS I actually read about that on the SE wiki a while ago. How did I forget about it

Yep! It was so good <33 (Lizzy looks so graceful and pretty I can’t even) I actually found the whole movie on YT but just watched the parts I was really looking forward to seeing animated, like UT’s fight scene, Seb getting stabbed, the rest of the Midford family…(Francis’ hair shocked me. Idk how to feel about it. At first I thought it made her look like an old lady, but then, the more I look at it, the prettier it gets…like, it’s actually a really nice design, but I guess I got too used to manga!Francis lol)

Light is the trash GOD.

(hope you get to read the light novel! As far as I know it’s got a TON of L and Naomi in it so it might make you feel better :D)

Oh yeah, I get what you mean. Light’s reasoning/views on the justice system probably connects a lot to the culture and social issues of Japan at the time.

DN’s probably still one of the easier-to-adapt mangas out there, though, since the themes of justice and questioning the idea of 'greater good’ is something anyone can relate to (and they still botched it, I’m very salty about this and you can’t stop me ;-; even with how terrible Ryuk and Rem looked in them, the Japanese movies were WAY better, and it’s actually pretty rare that Japan makes a good live-action movie from a manga or anime. Apparently the TG movie that came out this year was pretty good too, though :D).

(I apparently somehow accidentally erased the part where I mentioned I actually read HCs/theories about Japanese-American Light on tumblr somewhere….that’s what got me thinking about it.

I agree though, seeing how different cultures would change Light’s character would be very interesting.)

The lack of potato chips doomed the entire Keikaku from the start.

I can see you being similar to Pearl too! I think I’m maybe a bit like Lapis…or possibly Connie. Or maybe Blue Diamond because I also cry way too much (but then again BD actually has a reason to be miserable so)

Those are both cool gems<3 and yeah, they’re both really pretty :D

I was talking about gem 'roles’ back on Homeworld, though ^^;; like, how Pearls are considered servants or pretty accessories, Diamonds are leaders, fusions like Garnet are outcasts, Rubies are 'dumb muscle’, Sapphires are valuable prophets, Peridots are tech experts, Jaspers are soldiers…sorry, I should’ve been more specific OTL

I’d probably be a Pearl lol. I could see myself being a Peridot and being scared to death without a Quartz soldier to guard me but I’m not good with any kind of technology so nah.

And sorry for asking weird questions, I forgot it’s been a while since you watched the show ^^;;

Hey, don’t feel bad about slow replies! Like I said before, I seriously don’t mind as long as you’re ok :D and I’m so glad I’ve managed to help.

('a friend I appreciate’ *ugly sobbing* thank you)

Did someone say suffering?

*'Remember That We Suffered’ plays in the background*

DID THE QUEEN JUST SAY 'Goals’ ABOUT SOMETHING I MADE OMG I’M FREAKING OUT TYSM

Ayyy I’m so glad you liked them! (The Hide pic was painted with the intent to kill)

(last thing:

I’m sorry, this is probably really creepy, but I ended up telling my mom about you because she asked who I was talking to (she knows I have internet friends and has seen me writing messages before). Since I’m only 13 she worries about the people I talk (she knows all my friends on ao3) so I told her some small things like your age, that you’re from Croatia, that you play the piano too and that you mentioned having a sister.

I’m really, really sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, mom just worries a lot and she likes to hear about my friends (like, she worries for my safety on the internet so she has to ask me some basic things about the people I talk with, and when she knows I have a good friend on the internet she sometimes wants to hear if my relationship with them is ok). I’d never tell her something really private but sometimes she wants to talk and I know she worries for me so I do tell her small, random details from our convos.

if you’re uncomfortable with that, though, I’ll stop. Again, I’m so sorry about this.)

And after two weeks of silence, the species finally shows some signs of life.  ;-;

I’m totally not crying.  I’ve said this so many times and you’re probably getting annoyed, but I have no idea what I did to deserve you in my life.  You’re actually the only person I’d told about my current mental state at that time, and I’m so glad you didn’t freak out or just write it away as me overreacting (like my mom did), and it means so so so much to me. Truly, thank you for being here for me. (And not giving up on me, considering how long my replies take ;-;)

I’m here for you as well, though, so if you’re ever feeling down, you can message me ^^ 

Oh, it’d be cool if you’d get a tumblr! I can guarantee my replies would be faster then, since the messages would show up in my notifications...

Also, to brighten things up a little, this is how I picture you at the beginning of the message:

Oh  god that sounds disgusting XD And perfectly describes why I don’t wanna do swimming as a sport. Are you still swimming? It’d be cool if you were, cause it’s a really beautiful sport imo. 

That’s unfortunate... Hopefully you’ll be able to visit it someday ^^

Tbh considering the shit I unironically ship sometimes, no ship is weird enough to be unexplainable. Name a single reason why you ship it, and it’s valid in my eyes. Heck, it can be ‘they look good together’ and I’ll say ‘makes sense’. Y’know why? Because I’m one of those ppl who will ship it if they so much as look at each other.

ok fun fact: I’ve loved T’Challa since I was like 8, because every summer, there would be a weekly publication of superhero comics, and Black Panther was almost always there, and I was a nerd even then, so I’d always buy them. Other than Spiderman, Black Panther was my favourite superhero. 

Lololol I need the HxH Cast watching MCU movies. Oh yeah, I found this a while ago and immediately thought of you:

Amazing... If you ever learn to animate, please send me a link, because I will pay money to see that. Just. I’m not even into HxH, but I’d give up a lot to see the crossover XD

Ouch, that seems like a lot of feels... Seriously I have no idea where you get the mental strength to read to many angsty moments...

um, yeah... i have actually... but um, she’s alive, right?

Turns out I gave my skirt I’d used to charity, so until i find a replacement, I can’t take any pics... well, at least i can grow my hair out to Maka’s length till that happens XD

I adore the movie, seriously, the animators did such an amazing job with it, especially the most important scenes. BUT HECK; WHEN WILL WE FIND OUT WHAT OUR CIEL’S NAME IS?? It’s been hinted that it’s quite unusual, BUT THAT MAKES IT EVEN HARDER HNNNGH

Oh yeah, I’m gonna find that novel even if it kills me, because I need the L. 

lol I still haven’t forgiven the movie adaptation of Avatar the Last Airbender. It was so bad that most people (including me are denying its existence). I might watch Death Note some time soon, so I can judge it for myself tbh... 

Of course, the chips were a vital part of the Keikaku... No wonder it didn’t succeed...

No worries! It’s not your fault! Tbh, i dont think id even reached that part when I was watching it, so it’s interesting to hear all the roles...  Aw, you’d be an adorable Peridot ^^

Tbh ‘friend that I appreciate’ doesn’t even begin to describe how precious you are to me. You’re the first online friend I made and the first person I told about my mental state, so honestly, you’re one of the people I feel closest to...

Nah, I don’t find it creepy at all!! Seriously, I sometimes tell my parents about people I talk to, so I’ve mentioned well ^^ It’s your choice what/who you’ll talk about ^^

[rosesandtheories]

I saw this pic and the first thing that came to my mind was “DO PEOPLE REALLY THINK THIS???!!” i mean WTF. I thought that most of the people would understand the show and would understand what its a mental illness and why Hannah kill herself cause THE SHOW EXPLAIN IT VERY CLEAR but i was wrong. I want to take time and answer to this cause people really need to stop.

To get to the point you first need to know that depression is not just being sad, IT IS A MENTAL ILLNESS and if you have it you really need to get help cause you can’t get through it alone. One thing you also need to learn is what  PTSD is. “ Posttraumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, is a serious potentially debilitating condition that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a natural disaster, serious accident, terrorist incident, sudden death of a loved one, war, violent personal assault such as rape, or other life-threatening events. Most people who experience such events recover from them, but people with PTSD continue to be severely depressed and anxious for months or even years following the event ” remember this two cause i’ll be mention them later.

1-)Hannah didn’t kill herself to prove a point, she did it DUE TO THE BULLYING AND ALL THE STUFF THAT HAPPENED TO HER.

 2-)do you think that a girl who was bullied everyday is gonna “stand up for herself”?                                                                                                       When a lot of people start telling you things everyday and start making rumours, you even start to believe them and that thing is lowering your confidence more and more and low confidence + depression is the worst combination ever. Do you really think that a girl could stop the rumours by just “standing  for herself? If Hannah had tried to stop them im pretty sure that wouldn’t have been enough cause PEOPLE LIVE FOR THE RUMOURS AND THEY LOVE SHARING THEM AND TALKING EVEN IF THEYRE NOT REAL AND EVEN IF THE VICTIM SAYS THAT IT AREN’T REAL  THEY WOULD KEEP GOING. Im sure that we all know that standing for yourself isn’t going to do anything. (what really can do is looking for help)

3-) This one was the one that made me write this post “she had a princess complex and she killed herself when she found out life isn’t like that” ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME? Here’s the thing Hannah didn’t have a “princess complex” i think Hannah, well actually we’re (almost all of the people get) excited about moving to another school, so excited to start all over again, and then suddenly this pic goes all over the school and the rumours start. People aren’t supossed to go through bullying, you’re basically telling me that rape is okay and everybody is supossed to be raped cause life is like that?        ACTUALLY, LIFE ISN’T LIKE THAT.  NO ONE IS SUPOSSED TO BE RAPED  AND TRY TO LIVE WITH THAT. SO IDK WHAT YOU MEAN BY SAYING “WHEN SHE FOUND OUT LIFE ISN’T LIKE THAT”

4-) No one cared about her, because they were all too busy bullying her, slut-shaming her and a lot of things. Why would she care about them if they didn’t give a fuck about her??  (im talking about the ones who hurt her not her parents and Clay) Also she didn’t care about her parents or the others one she loved cause remember she was suffering DEPRESSION  aka she was suffering a MENTAL ILLNESS (read the beginning if you forgot what does that mean) and when you have that you don’t care about anything, you don’t think clearly, you just want to stop everything. (quote from her)

 5-) Yes she put Clay through hell, we can’t deny that but we can agree Clay needed to listen the tapes, he was dying to know what happen to her and if he haven’t listened to them, there wasn’t going to be any justice for Hannah. She blame herself for telling him to go away and for letting him go. ACTUALLY she said it very clear that it wasn’t him it was her and all the things that had happened to her.

6-) Justin could have done something and Hannah too, Hannah and Justin were hearing all and I belive they felt like Bryce was raping them and not Jessica in that moment. But lets remember she was inside the room. (I bet that if she would have gone out of the wardrobe Bryce wasn’t going to let her go that easy) Justin was outside the room. He could have perfectly look for help and I think it’s very clear that he could have done something because Jessica doesn’t want to see him ever again. But let’s forget about that cause the 2 of them could have help Jessica. The reason in that tape wasn’t Justin, it was the guilty feeling she felt for not have done something.

7-) SHE WASN’T SELFISH. SHE HAD A MENTAL ILLNESS. She was raped and she tried to look for help but she didn’t find it. If you put yourself in her place for a second maybe you could understand. She didn’t thought about consequences cause she wasn’t in her mind, do you think that a person who thinks normally and doesn’t have any mental illness would kill himself? No.

Thanks god that series like this exist. To make people aware of what it is like to have a mental illness, and you don’t know what is going in someonelse life and what they’re going through. Also for people like you they made “13 reasons why: Beyond the reasons” its on netflix, you should watch it.

Hannah wasn’t a drama queen.

Don’t make yourself into a reason why.

[madigabz]

Alan Gouze :) the name of the man that has had my heart for a quarter of my whole life!!! Wow, and he adores me even tho I am 100% a clumsy, forgetful, emotional HOT mess...I'm reading your letter and responding back as I go. Even though my feelings were a little hurt that you said I'd be sexier if I didn't get emotional, I understand. Alan I am a little mentally broke, but I'm different. And thankful for that. Bc even if depression, OCD, ADD, insomnia, all of my health problems, pain, overthinking overcasts me; I still shine. Tyler said something to me at Applebee's when I saw him. He told me that one day someone will come into my life and tell me that my hair, eyes & smile glow. I radiate in the sunshine, and I'll know what they mean by it when that day comes. I am so hard on myself but I've had a handful of people- strangers and close friends tell me this. And I know it's true. I know there is more to me than usual. I still smile, I still shine. And I thank fucking whatever god is out there that my glow stays. My friend Angel that did reiki on me told me I've been carrying something since I was a child and that's the reason for my anger. It's someone else's burden that I have put on myself & the woman who read my tarot cards said something similar too. I really do have a little bit of poison in me but something in my soul, or even beyond my own existence, has given me this gift. As I get older, I become more and more scared that the reality of the world will take away my light. I smoke so much I can't even remember shit anymore. "Lose you." That's the song you told me to listen to and I'm sorry that I forgot but you bet your sweet ass the next day I bought it on iTunes and listened to it :) I'm sorry I float through life to avoid realism and pain. I don't mean to forget everything just the bad stuff but I can't pick and choose what my poor memory holds... Emperors new groove. Idr if I've mentioned it before this, but I saw it on the shelf in my room today. (I gotta take some pics of the apartment for you). I remember coming over right after all of the Jackie shit & finding out about your mom. Trying to overdose. You cried on my chest & you were so emotionally exhausted. I believe your mom was still in the hospital and we put a movie on in her bed. Emperors new groove :) it was snowing outside and it was the first time my mom blatantly was bitching about me staying the night w you bc her crazy ass drove by and saw my car at auburn hills, when I told her I was staying at Courtney's. I never felt so close to you like you let your guard down and let me feel your pain for once. Selfish of me to say but it was honestly beautiful to finally feel you so deeply. Connected and so raw. I feel like I use that word too much, raw, trying to explain myself to you but nothing fits better than it. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Speaking of the past. Alan at this point in my life idk and idc what was true and what wasn't when we were together before db (that's vals name for now on-dumb bitch.) but one thing I'm holding you to is honesty. I care too much about you and this relationship to see it as a joke where it's okay to lie to each other. Like you said that was the one thing you kept consistent of so please don't lose it. I respect you for your honesty. It isn't a trait people carry anymore. Good or bad, through manipulation, brainwashing, reverse psychology, mind games, everything that come with this fucking sick generation..I do not want to be apart of. I much rather be in the 50's than this day in age. I don't belong here. Mostly I belong in the water ;) can't say that it doesn't kill me a little everytime you talk about threesomes, fucking other women, having a 2nd gf. You need to stop with it. You take away my dignity little by little everytime you say some fucked up shit like that. Gotta admit, you were right tho. Out of FUN and fairness I'm sure one day in the future you can get my happy ass all buzzed up and in bed with another chick. Just don't give her all/special attention bc it'll strain our relationship for forever after that. This does not mean I am actually cool w an open relationship, you having another gf, or having sex with anyone else without me. Starting a new chapter. "Everything will be ok." "No one should ever see you crumbling"...that's the thing, trust me no one besides you sees me crumble. I don't talk about myself to anyone. I feel this void most of the days and I don't want to put a damper on anyone's mood. I never open mssgs or get back to ppl bc they dgaf about me or what I'm going through, think, feel. None of it. And I crave meaning too much, in everything, to be stuck in a one way friendship. I have wasted so much time and energy into ppl who are rotten eggs. They'll never be anything besides selfish i and I can't surround myself in that type of environment anymore. I'm killing myself slowly by not meeting my potential in life rn. I need more meaning. Not to make things more complex but the opposite. To feel full and complete by understanding shit all of the way. And ofc to make it through this terrible generation I was born into. I do see what you see baby...well for the most part. And I don't see the good in everything :p I know I won't always have someone to tell me life gets better. It has always been this way. I have taught myself this. Overthinking just kills me so much! Being a Virgo doesn't doesn't help that I overanalyze either! Fricken OCD-.- my brain sees & thinks things way differently than most ppl. Soul gotta be like 300:) I know you think differently too. I love my nerds ;) so sexy to me. Maybe that's why our souls just click. I am sorry I was quiet the other day. You knew I had something to say and I didn't say it. It wasn't the right time but it isn't a big deal so o don't want you worrying about it baby. Was I really that quiet and meh that you could tell? Or is it just bc you know everything about me?..-.- blessing a curse that you do! But I wouldn't want another man to try and understand me anyway bc I know he couldn't. It's time to stop living life for other ppl you say...idk if it's your 20's or what but I feel like I'm redefining my life again. Rediscovering who the hell I really am down to my core. I love YOU inside and out & to death!!!!!:,( pouty face. This is the most settling and amazing letter I have gotten so far. Thank you for these words I really needed it. I love you all the way through your tough skin and down to your beating heart Alan. Changing my diet is the least of my worries and it's awesome bc I'm going to get sexy af!:) I've been gluten free before. Not having cheese just breaks my lil heart tho lol. Yes my parents have fucked me up. But I workdue with it and try to overcome the shiftiness they make me feel. Ik I'm a pussy. But my dad has definitely fucked w my head and has never made me feel good enough. Maybe that's what I feed off of you and why I want you so bad. My mom is just an emotional crazy lady w multiple personality disorder lol. But at least they didn't hit me. Just verbally f*cked my shit up. "Do everything your heart desires" "even if I get out and we can't stay together 1 yr isn't shit to wait" do you understand how absolutely fucking amazing it is for me to see you say that? You're right everything happens for a reason and it'll all collide during the time it's suppose to. The stories held in the fate of the stars ;) "before we know it we'll be 30 looking back laughing." Nothing has sounded more fulfilling than that small, little sentence. I am studying finally! And I hope the pain fades away w my diet too:( my poor locked up bf has to tell me everything is going to be okay. I can't even say anything to compare to this last letter. You were too smooth with your words, and I can't tell you how refreshing it is for you to be away from me through out a whole year and wanting to stay faithful. We were blessed with each other . Keifer was right, never could stay away from each other. You will always have me too baby. I can't tell you how bad I need to hear this. You have helped me more times than I count. And for sure more than I have helped you. I can't say thank you enough for making me feel so much better . You're the wind beneath my wings <3 & the cheese to my cake. Thank you for loving me for who I am. I reread our letters last night an I am so proud of the man you are becoming. You'll have me sitting passenger cruising in your vehicle in no time toots. A place, school, income, a dog :), happiness, prosper, feeling complete. Taking care of each other, midnight runs grocery shopping. I love you with all that I got, every ounce of my being. And I hope I WILL always have you. You are stronger than so much of the race around this world. I am glad you are all mine. Love you always my sweet, handsome man. I never mentioned anything about the pics I sent. The picture after the 2012 one was when I went fishing w Anthony and t the other day. I'm pretty sure I took some pics of the water for you, I'll have to look. Ofc next one is me omw to see you. I put a wonderful alnatural big tshirt mirror pic on there for you since you're all about natural beauty:p speaking of I'm getting all new make up bc I bet that's why women age faster as they get older! We get words looking you guys get better and we carry your children wtf lol. The black dress is what I wore to Josis party, I sent the one and only picture I took at her party. Does exhaustion look sexy on me baby?:b. The last pic is from the gas station I went to after seeing you. The sky was soo overwhelming in red. There a w a double rainbow and it looked to rad & gleaming from the sky. It was beautiful!! I also wanted to show you my red robe that I have two of(: silky and comforting af, I can't wait to wearing matching robes with you:) lol do yoga, face masks, spoil or ourselves and one another as well. I can't wait to run my hands all over your body and give you a massage. Rob made me Nutella and strawberries tn, made me think about how bad I want to lick Nutella off of your body right now. I got wet from just thinking about it..mmm I'll take some sexy pictures tmmrw night for you. Happy I'm coming to stay for a whole weekend next week. You're my kryptonite and I love everything about you. Give me time so I can give you a kick ass amazing, inspiring letter next!!!! You rule my world. Forever and always sugs, you are my forever and always<3 3 am and time to crash. Hope you're having a kinky dream About it rn;) just ordered that vibrator off of amazon and metal kegel balls bc I guess they feel amazing. I can't wait to be with you. Like we always say, sex and a real bed. It'll be so soon sweetheart and I will have money for us to get a place as soon as you get out. Thank you for telling me to go wherever you astound me but life is just not the same without my other half. You're my soulmate I'd do anything for you. Being in southern michigan doesn't effect me as long as I'm there with you. You're my sunshine..goodnight love.