i just want a commited relationship with someone. like we just spend time and know almost every single thing about each other. and like be super close, physically and emotionally. and like just be with and have them there and be comforted by their presence.
I really wish that "asexuals don't have to want sex but lot of them will still have it with their partner!" wasn't centered in like every asexuality acceptance post. I think it's genuinely damaging to asexuals and their relationships. A lot of us don't want sex. A lot of us are sex repulsed. A lot of us don't even wanna talk or hear about sex. A lot of us don't enjoy porn or wanna "hand out drinks at the orgy". Some of us have sexual-related trauma. Some of us are sex repulsed, not 💖✨sex repulsed but actually really cool about it✨💖
Allos are out here getting into relationships with aces and then pull a pikachu-surprise-face when their partner doesn't wanna have sex with them bc everyone constantly emphasises says how we totally will do it for them. Some of us won't. That's okay. That doesn't constantly need to be followed up with "but a lot of aces will so don't worry!!!!!" We don't have to make every post about us in a way that makes allos comfortable. It's not necessary to reassure allos at every turn that we're not all that asexual and they don't have to worry about us being different in a way they might notice. Allos need to accept and internalise that some people aren't gonna want to have sex. No terms and conditions. No "unless" "but" or "except". Just none.
pay attention to how your partner values your time.
i mean this beyond things like how much time you spend at work or how often you answer their text messages.
if you spend hours getting ready for them, do they value that effort? if you plan a meal and do all the shopping and prep and cooking for it, is it just dinner for them? do they notice the small chores you're always doing, or does it just magically "get done" when they're not looking? do they notice when you've spent time for them, or is it just something that is expected to happen?
my ex understood our relationship as some kind of credit service. he would do something large and nice for me maybe once or twice a season - and then "collect" on that credit for a while. my time was not as valuable as his - i was expected to give up my time for things like the upkeep of our relationship, chores, everything. even though i was in school and employed (and honestly doing more than he was), he assumed my time couldn't be better spent. he used to say i was just "better" at the daily stuff. he was my first longterm boyfriend - i hadn't been taught it. it didn't come naturally. it's just that if i didn't do it, he valued his time too much to do it for me.
recently i saw a video of a man smashing a cake into his new wife's face after she explicitly asked him not to. i'm glad that these days, most people don't find it funny. but still, someone comments: girl, just wipe it off and jump back into the party! but the fact of the matter is - even if it wiped off perfectly, even if the makeup only took a few minutes to reapply, even if the dress wasn't ruined by the oil in the icing - she would have to spend time away from her own wedding in order to do it. her new husband - he gets to laugh and sit around and party. she has to leave her loved ones and go be alone to handle the results of his prank. it might be the only day she gets to see some of these people; but that time spent (the makeup, the dress) is just valued less. it's seen as inconsequential.
just... pay attention. is it normal for you to give up your time, but they wouldn't reciprocate? do they consider their hobbies essential while yours are just "useless ways to fill the day"? is going out with their friends a hallowed event that must not be interrupted - but at the same time, you find that you're punished for or banned from similar events. do you do most of the upkeep? do you trust that if you needed to take a break, they'd absolutely pick up the weight? if you spend time and energy and effort on something, is that valued; or is it just a thursday to them.
Bruce Wayne, drunk and full on Brucie mood in the middle of a gala: You know, that accent doesn’t really fit in around here. It’s cute. Where are you from?
Clark, internally debating every life choice that led him to this moment: I’m from Smallville. Kansas.
Bruce, leaning closer to Clark with a flirty smile: Oh you’re cute and funny. You know, I like that in a man.
Clark, very confused but trying to just go along with it: Thank you??
Bruce: I mean, everyone knows that Kansas isn’t real but I do always enjoy a good laugh.
Bruce: What? Everyone knows that Kansas was made up for Wizard of Oz.
Clark, unsure if Bruce is fucking with him or if he’s just really deep into this dumb act: Bruce, Kansas is a real place. It’s one of the 50 states that make up America.
Bruce, tilting his head a little confused: There’s 50 states? Since when?
queerplatonic in a "i feel a deep desire for an intimate but non-romantic/sexual life partnership" way, but also queerplatonic in a "i take all my platonic relationships way more seriously than most people do and this has led to so much heartache oh god" way