#I know I’ve been very petty and irrational lately over lots of things and I’m trying to be aware of it before my own insecurities damage

[galaxywhale-moved]

I can’t tell if I’m being petty and irrational and overreacting about something my friends did or if I’m actually justified in my irritation ;_;

[justatiredghost]

Living for the Moment Ch19

A series of glimpses at Klaus’ life if he’d met Dave in his mid 20s. His life isn’t magically transformed, love can’t fix either of them when they’re both homeless and in a bad place. They’re not even really ready for a relationship yet. But maybe a supportive friendship can set them on a better path, the two of them inspiring each other to take care of themselves. It’s going to be a long and bumpy ride, and the question is, when will they actually admit to themselves that they have feelings for each other? Read More AO3

-

The problem with coming to a sudden stop after burning himself up the way Klaus had been lately was the loss of adrenaline. That had really been the only thing keeping him going. Well, that and the drugs. Thankfully he still had some of those in his system so the ghosts were leaving him alone, because the inevitable crash wiped him out completely. He didn’t have the strength to keep his eyes open anymore let alone enough to hunt down another contact to resupply.

There were a lot of things Dave had said that he wanted to comment on, mostly to ask what was wrong with him, but he just couldn’t right now. None of this felt real. He’d never had someone so determined to stay in his life, and all he could do was wonder how long until he came to his senses. But that was a problem for future him. As most things were. Right now, Klaus just wanted to sleep.

Not that he got much before they were both jolted awake by a car backfiring. The early commuters were likely out, so they had to leave, but Klaus felt so much worse than he had before. The exhaustion, the aches and pains, the ugly bruise welling up on the side of his face where he’d been punched, and to top it all off, he was pretty sure he had a fever.

“Hey, you okay?” Dave asked when he noticed, and of course he had to be all sweet, rubbing his back and everything.

“Oh yeah, sure, all good here,” Klaus said, trying to suppress a violent shiver at the early morning wind icy cold now that Dave wasn’t pressed up against his side.

“Shit, I didn’t give you my cold, did I?”

“What can I say? Petty theft is one of my charms,” Klaus joked, because he didn’t like how worried he looked.

“I wish I could repay the favor and find a place for you to warm up and sleep it off, but— hang on, I have an idea. Come with me?”

Dave stood and offered his hand, and Klaus considered it. He thought about trying to ditch him again, or just refusing to move. But he was too tired to be stubborn and petty, so he decided it would be easier just to go along and he let himself get pulled to his feet.

Usually, Klaus would be more nosey about this, but when Dave left him outside the shitty motel, he just stood there and waited while he went inside to talk with someone. He surprised himself, honestly. He must be really bad off. At least Dave didn’t keep him waiting long.

“Wow, you really do look like shit,” Dave said when he returned, actually able to get a good look at him now that the early morning sun was starting to make its appearance.

“Still hot though, right?” Klaus said.

“Mmm, feverish and attractive,” Dave joked. “You might be overdoing it a little, might want to tone it down a bit.”

“Have you met me?” Klaus replied.

“Well,” Dave continued, unlocking one of the motel room doors on the first floor. “The good news is, a buddy here owes me a favor. She said we can have this room, but gotta be out of here by tomorrow evening.”

“She is a saint,” Klaus said, stumbling inside after him. “I am going to take a 6 hour long bath, so if you need to pee, you better do it now.”

“No, go ahead,” Dave laughed. “I’m actually going to step out for a bit. I have some other stuff I need to take care of. But I look forward to seeing what you look like all pruny.”

Klaus waved him off with an annoyed sound. He turned on the water as hot as it would go and was ready to soak up all that warmth and wash away the grime. By the time he finally climbed out of the bath, he didn’t feel so frozen. Sure, he still felt like shit, but it was better than nothing.

-

For once, Klaus slept like a rock, so he wasn’t all that surprised when he came to, desperate for a glass of water, to discover Dave was asleep in the other bed by the door. On the way back from the bathroom with a cup, he had the sudden impulse to crawl into Dave’s bed and join him, but tried to block that out and just go back to sleep.

The next time he woke up, it was to hear the shower running. Dave was no longer in the other bed. A midnight shower wasn’t all that strange, though, so he let himself fall back to sleep. But when he woke up again a little over an hour later and the shower was still going, Dave still missing, he started to get a little worried.

Well, more curious than worried. Yes, this definitely wasn’t worry. These types of places weren’t really known for having unlimited hot water and he actually wondered if Dave had been the one to ditch him this time. Curiosity getting the better of him, he stumbled out of bed, pausing at the bathroom door to knock.

“Dave? You alive in there?” he called, but didn’t get a response. “I’m coming in. I swear I’m not doing this just to check you out naked.”

As he slowly opened the door, he noticed that there wasn’t as much steam as he thought there would be. The mirror wasn’t even fogged up. When he turned to the tub, the curtain was pulled back just enough that he could see Dave sitting there, letting the water fall over him, still wearing boxers and a t-shirt. His arms were raised as if to protect his head, fingers digging into his hair.

“Dave,” Klaus called again, concerned now.

Dave flinched as soon as he spotted him, but at least he relaxed when he realized it was just Klaus. Then, he scrambled to turn the water off before sitting back, out of breath and just trying to regain his bearings.

“Hi,” Dave said guiltily. Then, he looked down at himself and sighed heavily, picking at the way his shirt stuck to him uncomfortably. “Aw, man. We have got to stop meeting like this.”

“Would it help if I also got in with my clothes on?” Klaus offered.

“No, no, it’s fine,” Dave sighed, not completely able to stop himself from smiling despite everything.

“Your loss,” Klaus said with a shrug. “I’m not exactly one to judge, I was in here for a criminally long time earlier, but typically I don’t think showers are supposed to last very long. I’m surprised you haven’t run out of hot water.”

“Ah,” Dave said, looking away. “I think I may have, actually.”

“May have what?”

“Run out of hot water,” Dave said, and as if to prove his point, a particularly violent shiver ran through him.

“What the hell?” Klaus said. “You should probably get out of there. Only one of us is allowed to be sick at a time, and I already called dibs.”

He passed Dave a towel as he clambered out of the tub. Then, he left him so he could have a little privacy to change while Klaus wandered around the room in search of any extra blankets stashed away. Dave was already back in his bed when he returned, so he unceremoniously dropped his spoils on top of him before selecting one to unravel sitting on the edge of the bed.

“I swear I don’t take all my showers clothed,” Dave said, forcing a chuckle as he followed suit, no doubt trying to lighten the mood.

“Hey, whatever does it for you,” Klaus shrugged, and Dave smacked him playfully with one of the folded blankets.

“I really am sorry about all this,” Dave groaned after they finished with their work, burrowing deeper into the pile of blankets, still shivering.

“What, hogging all the blankets? I guess I can forgive you.”

“Well, yeah, I guess there’s that now, too,” Dave chuckled. “But I more meant, just, all of this-- my little breakdown. It doesn’t happen as often as it used to, but I still get flashbacks and nightmares sometimes. Showers help, they can kinda ground me I guess, this one was just particularly bad, I guess.”

“Oh,” Klaus said dumbly, not really sure what to do with all that openness. Except run, but he’d already tried that and failed.

This all hit a little too close to home; the nightmares and the flashbacks, the whispered confessions in a moment of vulnerability. In Klaus’ experience, it never went well. He knew Dave was just like this, so much more open than Klaus could ever imagine being, but it still sent a chill through him.

As irrational as it was, he didn’t want Dave to learn the same way he had. At least Klaus didn’t have any plans to betray him, so he might as well encourage him to let it all out now.

“Do you, like, what to talk about it or something?” he said uncertainly. “I heard it’s supposed to help. I mean, I know that’s rich, coming from me of all people.”

“It’s nothing, it’s stupid,” Dave said quickly, waving a hand dismissively. “You’ll laugh at me.”

“Okay, well, now you have to tell me,” Klaus said, climbing onto the bed so he was laying on his stomach, leaning on his elbows, head in his hands.

“I, uh, went to talk to someone today,” Dave said slowly. “About getting support. For vets.”

“That’s good, right?” Klaus said, trying to be encouraging.

“I guess,” he said, eyes sliding to the side, avoiding Klaus’ gaze. “It’s just frustrating, it feels like admitting defeat. But I can’t even hold down a job, something’s gotta change.”

“That’s the spirit?” Klaus said uncertainly. It wasn’t like self-improvement was his specialty. But he could definitely understand the guilt that went with asking for help. Which is why he never did.

“Unfortunately, it’s bringing up a few too many memories. And, when I’m stressed, I have nightmares, so that doesn’t help,�� Dave added lamely, trying to laugh a little.

“There, there,” Klaus said, sitting up so he could reach out and pat his shoulder. Taken by surprise, Dave burst out laughing and Klaus couldn’t help but grin, pleased he could still make him laugh, even when he was upset. “If it helps, wearing clothes in the shower is nowhere near the top 10 weirdest things I’ve found people doing in the bathroom,” Klaus said unhelpfully.

“Still,” Dave said, before changing the subject. “But enough about me, how are you feeling? Sorry again for giving you my cold.”

“I might learn to forgive you one day,” Klaus said dramatically, hand on his forehead.

“Hey,” Dave said. “I was thinking, and I realized that I just kinda made you come with me here, sorry about that, too.”

“Yes,” Klaus said, again playing it up. “How dare you force me to sleep in a proper bed for a change?”

“You know what I mean,” Dave said with a weak smile. But then his voice turned serious. “I know I was probably a bit too much before, probably creepy too, tracking you down like that. I just want you to know that, if you really don’t want to be here, I’d understand.”

“What’s the matter, starting to have second thoughts?” Klaus asked. “I am a handful. Being friends with me is gonna be a nightmare”

“Seriously,” Dave persisted. “How about we meet up in a few days and talk it out? I’ll have at least a few more answers once the VA get back to me. I know everything feels impossible right now, but being your friend is worth it, to me. But if all of this has put you off, then feel free to make a break for it. I’ll leave you alone.”

“Sure,” Klaus said distractedly.

Dave nodded and turned away, pulling the blankets up nearly over his head.

Klaus had never been told he was worth it before. He’s never been worth anything and he didn’t know how to feel about all of this. He thought he could feel something melting in his core, a warmth reaching him that he never expected to feel. But there was guilt, too. So much guilt.

How was this even happening? Dave was a pretty smart guy, but he just seemed to be ignoring all the warning signs. Maybe Klaus had tricked him into this somehow. He was very good at manipulating people. But, for some reason, Dave kept coming back, there was no denying that. He wanted to trust him, to believe in Dave even if he couldn’t believe in himself, but he knew how dangerous that was.

Klaus felt cold, again, when he went back to his own bed, moving automatically. Mostly he just felt numb, completely drained. And he was more lost than ever. Maybe he was just too sober, maybe drugs would wipe it all away and remind him who he was. Or, maybe it wouldn’t, and he’d wake up one day and hate himself, wondering what would have been.

Hating himself wasn’t anything new, but when he glanced over his shoulder to see Dave’s curly hair sticking out between blanket and pillow, he so desperately wanted to give hope a try.

[mkstrigidae]

asd;fkjhsdgl I've bitched about this before, but my roommates boyfriend is STILL living with us (he either leaves on the 1st or the 8th) and when she asked me initially if I would be okay with him being here frequently, I said it was fine, because he's getting sent to another country for three years and like, I get it. If I were in her position, I'd want to spend as much time with him as possible before he leaves, so i've just been friendly and going to my parents house on weekends (it's only a couple hours drive and it means seeing the dogs so I really don't mind that) both for the sake of my sanity and to try to give them some time alone because, again, I get it.

Rant under the cut because I'm not going to subject my dash to this long, if admittedly kind of cathartic, post.

I'm just really annoyed now, because we got our power bill the other day, and it VERY clearly reflects that 3 people have been living here, because it was much higher than it's been in previous months. I kind of jokingly asked her about it (like 'wow! haha does that seem higher than usual to you?'), and she just went into like, this mode of just theorizing about like 'oh, but maybe the power company increased rates, or like maybe it's just the heat... etc.' and i was just in my head like 'ITS YOUR BOYFRIEND. THREE PEOPLE EQUALS LARGER BILL' (plus then she knocked on my closed door later while i was in the middle of a timed assignment and started going into this long thing of what she thought might have happened- I was just like 'hey can we talk about this later? I'm kind of working on a deadline' and she dropped it)

Honestly, i'm mostly annoyed that she's not either willing or able to take responsibility for the increase, just because when i've asked her about things before (she had two dogs staying in our apartment while i was gone for a couple weeks without telling me, one wasn't properly house trained (you HAVE to tell your roommates if you're bringing a puppy in, because they are wonderful, but also destructive), our carpets smelled awful, and when I asked her if she had had a dog in our apartment, she instantly was like 'um, yeah? I specifically asked you if they could come over and stay. you said you were fine with that.' which, she did not, and I may not have been, even had I known. That wouldn't be the kind of thing I'd forget, tho, because I have a TON of houseplants, and would have moved them all into my room to avoid accidental canine accidents had i known, and I was pretty frustrated with the whole thing- as it was, she apparently put up baby gates around my plants, which i did appreciate, but not as much as I would have appreciated the communication).

So basically i'm just frustrated that neither of them seem to have the consideration here to say 'hey, we know we're using more water/power, so what if we contribute a bit more', but like, my window to establish that particular boundary was basically when she asked me initially if I was okay with him being here "more often" and I said yes, because AGAIN, I get it, and I would want my SO over as often as possible if I knew they were leaving for another country soon. So like, of course I'm not going to be a dick about it, because it wouldn't be worth sitting down to have a conversation about shared resources (which i 100% would already have done, had I not been aware of and counting down the days until his imminent departure). I'm just super annoyed, but genuinely don't want to express it to them because i really don't want to stress out my roommate over this (because for the most part I really do like her even if I do not like the boyfriend), I already agreed to this situation when asked, and I haven't been sleeping a lot lately bc of stress and possibly hormones, so it's very likely that a good deal of my annoyance is irrational, and therefore no one's problem to deal with but my own.

So I'm just bitching about it here. I am legitimately annoyed at how much they've been monopolizing the washing machine for all of his stuff, though- I had to ask like 3 times if I could put my sheets in yesterday and it was a bit frustrating (also whenever he's here, she gets kind of lax about doing dishes which isn't the worst thing ever, but ugh). Plus, like I said, school/family stress + hormones + not as much sleep as I should be getting = a very tetchy Emily, but like, petty as it sounds, I just can't relax when I know someone else besides the person I agreed to live with is here for an extended period of time (particularly when they're a certain kind of male- I don't know why). It's an irrational thing, so I don't make it anyone else's problem, but I usually am fine with it, because people are over for like, 1 or 2 nights, or if they're here longer, it's one of her female friends, or younger siblings, who are all lovely people. But like, her boyfriend has just been GRATING on me and I don't entirely know why, and it's not either of their faults that they're trying to spend time together before a separation, but like, I just cannot wait to have my space back.

I just want to sit in the living room in my pajamas without a bra and watch Leverage or something without feeling like there's some guy about to pop out of the woodwork and start a conversation (usually about how great the US is- he's a military guy) without me knowing whether he was here or not (bc he's sometimes here even when her car is gone)- it's like schrodinger's fucking boyfriend tbh.

[dreamy-stars]

7/30/20

i’ve never felt this low in a long time, not even in sophomore year of college?? it’s like rly concentrated sadness and rly hit hard within the last month?

- i went through my first breakup, which affected me a lot more than i thought it would. it was so short lived i don’t even want to call it a relationship. i hate to admit it but it hurt so much bc it seemed like he wanted to be with me for a while. he has his reasons and he should take care of himself but i can’t help but feel thrown away without care? i wanted closure and he couldn’t even give me that. my self confidence went down the drain, and i kept questioning if there was something i could have done differently. i even contemplated if i was pretty enough XD can you believe i let a 5’6 man make me feel like this...pathetic...but yeah he rly has no emotional intelligence or something man cmon i wanna talk it out.. - it took me a while to get over him and now i dont miss him specifically, i just miss being wanted and having that connection? anyway my confidence was bad at this point and was feeling insecure in so many ways. maybe 3-4 weeks ago i started going down this dark hole, just questioning my purpose here. i’m not smart, pretty, or talented in any field. i felt kind of useless? just there... (even typing this im like tearing up hehe) comparing myself to ppl again..how i’m not good enough (in eng) just kinda wasting my parents money? and i think about if i were prettier i’d prob be treated better and those around me would pay nore attention to me? brings me to my next point :p - i feel SO lonely. it doesnt help that i went through a break up and the person i was talking to all day every day is suddenly cut from my life. my friends can contact me and stuff but i feel so left out sometimes. it’s not their fault, it’s just how my brain is ig lol. it felt like i was back in high school. i had acquaintances and was surrounded by friends but couldnt rly connect and be close to ppl. what i remeber most was being at the booth and being surrounded by girl friends and not adding to the convo at all. i felt so lonely and insecure i never want to feel that again. recently i felt it with my cousins who i have always felt close to. can u believe? i can’t rly explain it. but when sp brought her friends to the lake i felt ostracized. its so stupid for ne to feel that way, they’re literally strangers and i wish we could be like white folks that introduce each other right at the start of meeting new ppl U KNOW?? idk i’m so fucking sensitive LOL. like at least mai did it with her bf. I Am Nothing. like sp didnt introduce tp so why am i feeling like this. i guess its just me and my deep rooted trauma of being overlooked and forgotten! even when we went to the lake with just our cousins i felt SOOO SOOOOOOOO down and lonely, even more than before. i was sticking near ap bc it was kinda awkward still and i didnt want her to be lonely. i was just floating around and they played games and talked together and stuff and i felt invisible i felt so lonely even with so many ppl i love there. it didn’t help that they had sleepovers and hung out together so ich and never asked me. they even planned to sleepover later that night and didnt ask me. i wonder if it was bc i was neutral and stuck with ap? oh yeah i forgot that i couldnt go eat with them bc there was no room for me which is understandable but i still felt shitty and i think i cried that night :p it’s small insignificant things that build up for me and make me feel like an afterthought. it rly fueled my self confidence issue. AGAIN no one did anything wrong i’ve just been very sensitive and analytical of everything lately. it’s kind of led me to being distant with sp kinda like im testing her and seeing if she would reach out to me at all? its petty but i feel like she hates me fr 😂 might just be me. I Am Nothing...

ANYWAY ive been crying like pretty often just having these thoughts eat me up. it’s better now i think? it’s scary to admit but i’ve thought about dying so many times recently and i hate it. almost like it’s normalized to me now. it’s not that i would ever attempt but i understand what ppl mean when they want to disappear? i’m very blessed with loving parents and a healthy able body and a good living situation. i never want to put my parents and family through something that traumatizing. i haven’t properly expressed these feelings to anyone besides one watered down text to darwin. it was hard to even type the text, i ended up crying in the bathroom. i’ll have bad days and the thoughts creep up on me and i try to distract myself by watching stuff and it helps. i’ve been working out and dieting and i feel a lot better about myself and more positive. i’ve thought about therapy seriously but im hesitant still. if i still have issues i will, but talking through a screen and the risk of others hearing kinda turns me off. just processing my feelings and thinking about them extensively has helped me a bit but i think having a professional tell me about my feelings will make me feel better. idk how to bring it up at all, and i feel like my issues arent serious enough? but my brain been going cwazy :3

 i’ve been having a rough time at home just doing a lot of nothing but being sad and working out.. i hope with school starting soon i can get out the house and be productive again! recently ive been dealing with the problem of “living for others” i notice that i care about the comfort of others and how i can satisfy them and appeal to others at my expense.. i’ve been thinking about how im not good enough for this type of guy to like me LIKE WHO AMMM IIII WHY DO I CARE...WEIRDO..... maybe im dragging myself too hard i dont think i do this much but i do be a nice comfy doormat for others :)

but overall i feel better than a few weeks ago i think! idk what that was about why is my brain like this....making irrational thoughts and hurting my own feelings...idk but it will be okay :)

[secretgamergirl]

“What shouldn’t I do to avoid making things worse?”

Just a day or two after I wrote this post, I happened to find myself in a position that did quite the job of reminding me I need to write this one. Someone randomly decided to say something positive about a person I know, and encourage people to check out their creative output. Almost immediately, someone else chimed in to inform them that the person they were giving that plug to is A Bad Person Who You Should Not Promote. When confronted about this, this was of course followed up with That One Link that people always give out when people speak positively about this person, and after a bit of back and forth, the whole post saying the person I know was cool and promoting their stuff was removed.

It's pretty typical for people, particular the farther they are from being a cis allistic abled straight white dude, to have That One Link that "proves" they are A Bad Person Who You Should Not Promote, and they basically all follow the same pattern. It's either a blog post or a dedicated forum thread, it's the length of a novella, it has roughly 200 links to or embedded screenshots of random posts from forums and social media, all of which are old and lacking context, and whenever it’s linked to, there is an unspoken assertion that it is the work of a detective so thorough in their research and uncompromised in their ethics that only a complete monster would question the legitimacy of anything contained within. Also being the sort who routinely does double check, I’ve found the actual contents of such to more or less invariably be a mix of misinformation and petty grievances nobody should care about. The best known example of one of these is probably “The Zoe Post,” and I’m really not the frst person to talk about this sort of crap.

In this particular bit of recent context, the person I know essentially stands accused of getting... into a nasty fight with someone marginalized along significantly fewer axes and far more established in their shared field, using something like a dozen different user names. Setting aside the incredibly skewed power dynamic there and the lack of verification on whether all of those names belong to the same person, and just taking the whole accusation at face value... I don’t particularly understand why I should care. Mind you, when this person first began interacting with me and I immediately got the all the warnings and That One Link, I took a very cautious approach, did a lot of independent research, and really did not at all see the person described in the person talking to me. Not particularly relevant whether that’s due to the whole thing being BS or personal growth happening in the... decade or so that elapsed since That One Post was written.

For some reason though, people consistently get their wires crossed about this sort of thing. Even the people you’d really think would have their heads on straight. I can’t count the number of people I know who constantly sit around pontificating about white supremacy and the patriarchy and the way marginalized people can never make a single mistake or be perceived to, who then constantly play purity police, actively and vocally making sure anyone who gets That One Post written about them is completely cut out of life to the maximum possible extent, until the end of time.

Now mind you, there are totally situations where advocating that everyone shun someone is totally called for. Nazis exist, nazis should totally be exposed as such and treated like garbage. I’d explain who George Zimmerman is if I saw someone pal-ing around with him. Monsters like these. These are pretty good examples of people to badmouth. But you don’t spread the word to everyone you can not to even mention someone just because you don’t like them/had an argument, or have a friend whose behalf you’re acting on, or a celebrity.

All that said, my original plan was to list all the crap like this I personally have to deal with, so let me get to that. Presented here is a partial list, roughly in chronological order, of the many absurd lies people have come up with to rationalize doing everything they can to keep me from ever interacting with anyone. Not one item on this list has ever blown over, nor been too ridiculous to be believed by people I was very close to before they started shunning me over it:

- All the standard smears against trans women are a given. I’m an evil seductrice, I want to sneak into women’s restrooms, turn all the children in the world trans, and am of course a big ugly bearded man in a dress.

- My opposition to murderous nazis and pedophiles is the result of me being paid vast sums of money by George Soros.

- I am a wealthy heiress.

- I have some completely irrational, possibly racially motivated hatred for some random woman I have never interacted with, have no mutual point of contact with, and have never seen anything written or spoken by of any sort.

- I am a dangerous terrorist ringleader trying to murder a long-time friend I constantly speak positively about and defend from various attacks.

- I am not actually a trans woman but in fact a man whose entire life is a vast web of lies.

- I am not actually trans but in fact a cis woman.

- I am secretly a nazi.

- I am an undercover cop from Brazil trying to bring down comumnist revolutionaries by blocking people who send me violent threats on Twitter (and have long conversations with said people despite neither party being able to see the other’s messages).

- I am part of some sort of elite club of pretty popular girls who all eat lunch together at the Cool Kids table or something.

- I am a horrible scolding prude.

- I am a huge slut.

- I am straight.

- Any woman I have ever been friends with I am actually trying to seduce.

- I used to be and maybe still am a member of Something Awful’s forums, and probably also an oldschool 4chan poster.

- I am attempting to destroy Patreon.

- I am running some sort of elaborate scam through Patreon.

- I have longstanding vendettas against an additional 30 or so people whose first names I am supposed to recognize, absolutely no other context apparently needed.

- Name a cause, I’m vocally against it.

- I run a vast media empire.

- I slept with a famous bigot.

- I refused to sleep with a famous bigot.

- I paid a king’s ransom to a famous bigot in exchange for something or other.

- I’m friends with untold numbers of people I’ve never heard of but have been assured are all quite vile and repugnant.

- I am a “pedophile defender,” shouted with no explanation as to what that even means.

Again, there is not an item on that list which, when randomly shouted and blindly repeated, did not cause at least one person I care quite a lot about to cut off all contact with me, without a word of explanation, forever. And there are people who actively scour for anyone ever interacting with me in any way, even as minor as liking a post on twitter, making sure to hit them with as much of this as it takes to keep them from ever having the slightest thing to do with me.

This has, in fact, driven away every friend I ever had (though people let me know if there’s any exceptions who just haven’t checked in in a while), destroyed all my career prospects, has me constantly dealing with dangerous stalkers, violent threats, and violent actions and if I’m really quite honest, when buying a new stopper for my bathtub recently the thought was definitely going through my head that apparently slitting one’s wrists when submerged in warm water is the most painless way to stop being alive.

It’s entirely possible it’s too late for me, but again, people attack people with this sort of garbage constantly, and people who should really know better constantly perpetuate it. So just try to internalize this, and in the future whenever you see someone talking about how someone is A Bad Person Who You Should Not Promote, loudly confront them about it. Make a scene. Everyone should be feeling really awkward when you’re done, and whoever’s giving out the “warning” should be reconsidering their approach to life.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Psycho Analysis: The Sanderson Sisters

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

Ah, Hocus Pocus, everyone’s favorite campy Halloween cult classic. Objectively speaking, the movie is probably no better than a made-for-TV cheesy 90s Disney movie – and funnily enough, this film’s director would go on to make plenty more of those, seeing as he would do the High School Musical movies and The Descendants – as it has all the hokey writing, late 80s/early 90s cliches you’d expect, and some truly boring main characters.

But, thankfully, it has three of the most charismatic women you could imagine camping it up and firmly cementing their status as Halloween icons for all time: The Sanderson sisters, Winifred, Sarah, and Mary. These three are the reason this movie is held so near and dear to people’s hearts, and frankly, without them this movie would just plain suck. With them, it still sucks, but in a fun way, elevating it beyond “so bad it’s good” and into the realm of endearing camp alongside such masterpieces as Venom.

But enough of all this; just like when you’re watching the movie, you’re here for the girls, so let’s talk about them.

Actor: The leader of the bunch is Winifred, and she is played by Bette Midler. Bette Midler has called this her favorite role ever, and seeing how she acts in this, it really shows. A running theme with these three is that they just absolutely ham it up, and Bette Midler goes above and beyond with Winifred – she’s not just a ham, she’s the whole damn hog. In fact, in a lot of ways, she hogs the spotlight, what with her hamminess being so magnetic and the fact that she is clearly the brains of the operation. But that’s not to say the others are bad.

Sarah Jessica Parker plays… Sarah. Funny how that worked out. She is the hot and dumb one, and boy oh boy does she play that role to perfection, though of course she does manage to be creepy and sinister when the scene calls for it – that song of hers has become iconic for a reason.

Finally we come to Mary, played by none other than Peggy Hill herself, Kathy Najimy. Najimy does a great job, she plays her role well, but out of the three I feel like she has the most trouble standing out. Which isn’t to say she’s bad, far from it – she doesn’t have the bombastic personality of Winifred nor the complete ditziness of Sarah.

Here’s the thing, though: if any of these three weren’t here, or weren’t portrayed by these specific actresses, they’d fall apart, the movie would fall apart, game over man, game over! The film only works because these three have such great chemistry, such great interactions, and such great weirdness to them that if even one of them were gone or they just weren’t in synch, things would be a lot less fun.

Motivation/Goals: Like most evil witches in fiction, these three want children, specifically so that they can drain their vitality with a magic potion so that they can be young and powerful forever. This gets them hanged 300 years before the main story starts, and when they come back, they reuse this goal with a bit more urgency: they now need to drain the vitality from children before the sun rises and turns them to dust, as their resurrection is set to only last a single night otherwise. Frankly, the fact that their goal is killing and sucking the life out of children is the only thing that’s keeping the audience from rooting for them, because the actual protagonists of this film are so unremarkable and cliché that it’s pretty hard to want to see them stop the funny and charismatic witches,

Personality: Winifred is clearly the one who got all the brains, which makes sense as she is the leader. She’s a lot quicker on the uptake and realizes things more quickly than her ditzier sisters, as well as a lot more proactive and pragmatic in general. She does the spellcasting, she brews the potions, she just inhabits the role of leader naturally. It helps that of the three she has the most outwardly intimidating presence.

Mary is the middle child, and her personality is somewhere between the two sisters: she’s ditzy, but not to Sarah’s level, and she’s got some common sense and wits, but definitely not on Winifred’s level. This is kind of why I said she has a hard time sticking out personality-wise before, as she’s the epitome of the awkward middle child. However, she does excel at her role as a predatory child tracker, able to sniff out their victims with ease. It’s also implied, but not outright stated, that she’s a much bigger eater than her sisters; she is noticeably chunkier than the others, after all. And considering their diet… it’s definitely not a good idea to undersell that Mary is definitely a wicked witch.

Then we come to Sarah, who is an absolute ditz and the epitome of a dumb blonde… and yet, she is also one of the most dangerous, as she has a sort of siren-like power to draw children to her with her singing. In fact, while she does come off as a ditzy goofball for the most part, her interactions with children paint a rather… uncomfortable picture, one that reveals her true nature.

I think it’s worth noting that despite how ditzy both Mary and Sarah are, both of them also have the common sense to point out to Winifred that, when Sarah has called numerous children to their house, they really don’t need to bother with the protagonists anymore. In this moment, Winifred decides to reject common sense and go after them because one of the heroes called her ugly. It sort of highlights just how petty and irrational Winifred can be, and how despite her disdain for her sisters, she’s really not so different from them in the end. It’s also worth noting that Mary and Sarah, while clearly evil due to their association with Winifred, are actually pretty nice and mostly harmless otherwise, to the point where you could make a case that without Winifred around, they’d probably not be villains at all.

But if that were the case, we wouldn’t have a movie, and then we wouldn’t be here, huh?

Final Fate: Of course these three fail to suck out any vitality by sunrise, with Winifred’s stupid little vendetta damning her and her sisters. The rays of the sun turn Winifred to a statue and cause Sarah and Mary to explode, with Mary even getting a moment to wave goodbye in resigned sadness as she bursts into a dust cloud. After her sisters are gone, Winifred’s statue explodes spectacularly.

Best Scene: I don’t think there’s really anything that comes close to the sister’s spellbinding performance of “I Put a Spell On You,” at least in regards to all three of them together. I mean, if you get a singer like Bette Midler to star as a villain in your movie, why would you not have her sing? Only a complete hack who doesn’t know how to properly utilize actors would waste a singer in a role where they don’t sing.

The thing is, these three are together all the time, so there’s not much room for individual moments for them to shine otherwise… or there wouldn’t be, if they didn’t showcase Sarah’s absolutely terrifying power, leading her number “Come Little Children” to being her standout moment, and the moment that really drives home the incredibly uncomfortable undertones she exudes.

Best Quote: I think Winifred gets the best quote in the whole movie, which occurs when her zombified ex Billy Butcherson (played by Doug Jones, who you may remember for his critically acclaimed role as Mac Tonight in the McDonald’s ads). Billy tells her to go to hell, and she retorts with: “Oh! I've been there, thank you. I found it quite lovely.”

Sarah, of course, has her villain song: “Come little children, I'll take thee away / Into a land of enchantment / Come little children, the times come to play / Here in my garden of magic.”

And, unfortunately, in this regard I think Mary gets the shaft. Despite her definitely being funny and entertaining, she just doesn’t have the same level of standout quotes as her sisters.

Final Thoughts & Score: So as I was writing this, I was thinking of what their score could possibly be. I thought I’d probably have to lower their score, because aside from them, this movie is just corny early 90s cheese… but then I thought, what’s wrong with that? And why should these three suffer a lower score due to the rest of the movie’s failings? That isn’t their fault. Hell, these three are the reason to watch the movie. If anything, the movie’s failings are drowned out by just how charismatic and enjoyable they are to watch.

Much like their fellow child-hating hag the Grand High Witch, the Sanderson sisters are blessed with fun, funny, charismatic actors who aren’t afraid to ham things up and know just what kind of move they’re in and absolutely revel in it. They saw they were playing three stereotypical fairy tale witches and decided to have a blast with it, and in doing so they managed to transform an otherwise corny Disney film into the Halloween legend that this film is. I wouldn’t say these three are particularly deep or complex, but they have a very fun dynamic and add a lot of spice to an otherwise bland plot. Between them and Doug Jones, they give you a lot of reasons to come back and watch this film over and over.

Obviously, these three are getting a 9/10, only held back from a perfect score because yes, sometimes the camp can be a bit much, even for me. But I’m just not heterosexual enough to give these three ladies anything lower. I still have to unfortunately say Mary is the weak link here, but it’s only comparatively speaking, and I’d probably bump these three down to a 7 if she wasn’t here. I really can’t stress enough that there dynamic is so utterly important that even one of them not being there would spoil things. They just don’t make evil trios like this anymore.

[globerjk]

The Designer, Her Model and Her Hero (2)

Second part of the gift for the ML Secret Santa @mlsecretsanta exchange. A gift for @chelseaapproved

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

It had being almost three months since the contest.

It was dark, yet the moon light was providing the perfect shining for them to be able to see clearly into each other’s eyes as he slowly placed himself on top of her body.

Bright green and deep blue met while he kept his ministrations. Who knew this boy could be so sweet and so gentle, placing himself perfectly on top of her with his legs tangled between her pink covered ones and holding her face reverently with both his hands as he began to kiss her softly.

She shivered at his touch and his addictive light movements made her swoon as she felt the kiss deepening.

Her hands came to caress his hair from his ears to the back of his neck and then kept going to his shoulders, down his arms and going all the way up again.

Soon his hands were on her shoulders, debating whether or not to move the offending strips of her thank top out of the way. Seeing that her reaction was to relax her arms and place them on the bed he smiled and took her actions as an invitation to move the stripes down her biceps, gaining access to much more skin to explore.

And explore he did. With his fingers, his lips and his tongue. Ever so slightly leaving little red prove of his affection on her neck and left shoulder, moving then to her collar bone and slowly going as far as the top part of her chest.

He pulled himself up on his elbows enough to silently ask permission, pleading with his stare for her to let him go further.

She only nodded with a glassy eyes while he gave her a mischief grin letting his stare move south and blushing deeply, glowing with anticipation.

He resumed the kissing, working up the courage to actually go through with his idea now that he got permission and earning louder sounds coming from her.

"Hmmm…” She breathed out “Adrien…”

“ADRIEN!?”

“Chat! CHAT! Oh my God, I totally said Chat!”

“No Marinette, I’m pretty sure that you said Adrien” Chat Noir sat up placing himself next to the blushing girl and watching her cover her head with a pillow to mute the screaming of absolute embarrassment. Arousal all forgotten.

He didn’t even know how to feel about Marinette saying the wrong name.  Even though his real name was the one out of her mouth, the hero Chat Noir was the one getting hot and heavy with his civilian friend Marinette as she was apparently thinking of a different boy. The name hadn’t been entirely wrong but she had no way of knowing it and as irrational as it was, he couldn’t help but be offended.

“I think I’m going to go” He said in a harsh tone that made her come out if her hiding place.

“No! Wait! Please don’t go” she asked holding his hand to prevent him from jumping out the trapdoor above the bed but he carefully let go and looked down at her.

“I think you may have feelings for the model boy from your school and I don’t know if it’s such a good idea for us to keep on seeing each other like this. At least not until we are both clear on what we want”

“Don’t go Chat, I’m sorry. You’ve known from the start that there was someone else. Just like you, with Ladybug” she tried to explain

“The difference is that I don’t say her name while I’m with you. I didn’t picture her on the first time we dare to go a little further. Sorry, I have to go and you have stuff to figure out” and then Marinette watched him go up the door and heard him jumping from her balcony.

It was so unfair for Marinette.  She was finally getting over Adrien after years of pinning and just when she felt ready to move forward with Chat Noir, his classmate had to jump back to the front of her head in the worst possible moment.  It was a slip of the tongue, a name she said just because she opened her eyes for a second and they landed on the picture she had from the day of the contest.  

She had to do something to extinguish all traces of her childish crush. Adrien was now her dear friend and nothing more, and she was sure that she wanted Chat Noir to be more than the hero with whom she occasionally made out on her civilian form. She wanted a relationship with the silly cat. He gained her heart with his silly puns, and his silly ideas and his silly bravery and his silly silly way of sacrificing himself for her constantly.

And his so not silly hot body. 

After a few month of visits to her balcony that started out of the blue, she discovered much more aspects of her partner´s personality that appeal to her. He could be very loud but also very sweet.

Yeah, she definitely needed closure with Adrien in order to commit to her beloved partner, confess that she was Ladybug, become and actual couple and hopefully learn his identity as well. The next day, first thing in the morning, she would have an uncomfortable but much needed heart to heart with Adrien Agreste to let him know of her past feelings for him and finally put them behind her.

The next morning Marinette woke up late, as per usual and had to run to school, arriving just as the final bell indicated the beginning of class.

So much for taking the leap first thing in the morning.

Her next back up plan consisted on a note she place on his desk asking him to go to the library at lunch hour. He turned around to face her and she gesture him to keep quiet, pointing at Alya and Nino as to indicate that the conversation was meant to keep secret between them. He nodded and turn his head back to face the board.

Once it was lunch time, Marinette quickly excused herself, saying that she had to go meet with the art teacher for some feedback on her must resent work.

Adrien said he needed to go home for lunch but then turn discreetly to Marinette to let her know that he agreed to the meeting in the library.

“What do you think she wants to talk about Plagg?

"Only one way to find out kid” Adrien frowned and his Kwami floated out of his pocket with a frown of his own.

“Seriously, Adrien, I don’t get why you are so upset. She said your civilian name while making out with you as Chat. It’s still you in both cases. The way I see it, she likes you as a whole”

“That’s the problem Plagg. Don’t you get it? She always said that she was in love with someone else and as time passed and we became close I actually thought that I helped her move on. Now not only I discover that she in fact didn’t move past those feeling at all but that it was me all along? I know it’s dumb and petti to feel like this, the rational part in me is yelling that it’s stupid… But it doesn’t erase the fact that she doesn’t know it’s me… so from her perspective, the time with Chat Noir is wasted time, since she is obviously still hang up with the other guy”

Adrien was lost as to what to expect from his talk to Marinette.  For a second he entertain the idea that she knew of his identity all along but dismissed the theory because it didn’t add up with what she said the night before or with any interaction in civilian form since he first kiss her as his alter ego.  Perhaps she was ready to reveal her true feelings for him, but would he accept them right away? He still felt a little mad.

The boy obviously wanted to date her and while trying to prove a point to Plagg he discovered what an amazing girl Marinette truly was, how brave, witty and beautiful.  He had made peace with the fact that he was wrong to call her just a friend months ago, he wanted to be able to call her his girlfriend.

But whatever he thought Marinette needed to express, it definitely wasn’t this.

“Adrien I wanted to tell you that I used to be interested in you as more than just a friend. Actually, for some time I felt that I loved you but…”

“Used to?” The word left his mouth before he could stop them.

“Yeah, I… I met this guy. No, actually I’ve known him for about the same years I’ve known you… he is a close friend that I started to see differently on the past months…” Marinette was playing with her hands obviously nervous but powering through her fears so she didn’t leave anything unsaid.  “He is on the top of the people more important to me, he’s always been… He…“ A pause.

“I love him…” She trailed off confused by her own admission.

“Oh my god, how long have I love him?”

"Wait, you live this other guy?” Adrien almost fainted at her confession.

"Yeah, like a lot… I still don’t get why I said the wrong name uhhhggg. And at the worst time”

"What were you doing?” He practically sang.

"None of your business” She said beet red.

“I bet it was something sinful” he couldn’t contain his grin. Marinette loved him, all of him apparently since she loved him as Adrien first.

“I… Ah... I…whaaat?? Alya?” Marinette placed her phone on her ear to fake a call from her best friend just so she could flee… Getting closure was turning to be too embarrassing.

“Wait Marinette” Adrien caught her wrist holding her in place “I have somethings to confess ass well”

[teacupfulofstarshine]

crazy little thing called love

(this is my secret santa fic for @ethospathoslogan !!! MERRY BITCHMAS JORDS, PETTY BITCH WIFE, LOML, ILY!!! and merry bitchmas to all of you, have some gay fluff <3

SUMMARY: logan deals with facts, with objectivity and reason and rationale. he also deals with his boyfriend, who is the exact opposite of those in every way. and logan can't help loving him for it.

(OR: logan tries to figure out how to propose to roman on christmas.)

PAIRINGS: romantic logince, background romantic moxiety, the barest smidge of background remile 

WORD COUNT: ~5600

TW: v mild anxiety, passing mention of past depression (nothing srs, this is a happy fic i promise)

read on ao3!!! 

*~*~*~*~*

Logan pushes away from his microscope with a sigh, smoothing his hands down the crisp white front of his lab coat. Normally, he’d just stretch and pour himself some of the crappy coffee Patton makes in their ancient Keurig and get right back to his research, but tonight, something feels . . . off. He can normally focus on his work for hours at a time, zoning out and ignoring everything else completely, but tonight . . .

Tonight, he’s distracted. There’s a weight in his pocket, and it grows heavier with every passing second. All he wants to do is go home, put on sweatpants that are a little too small and a sweatshirt that’s a little too large, and drag Roman into bed with him. He wants to wrap his arms around Roman’s torso and have Roman snuggle up to his waist and bury his face into Roman’s soft, coffee-scented hair.

Roman is his boyfriend, and Roman is the love of his life. But Logan no longer wants Roman to be his boyfriend.

He wants Roman to be his fiancé.

There’s a gentle hand on his shoulder, a soft “Behind you”, and then his boss steps into his field of vision. Patton has some kind of plant matter smeared all over his cheeks, and there’s a crown of bright red roses in his hair. “Logan!” he says; Logan realizes he’s been calling his name for the past five minutes or so.

“I - I apologize, Doctor Tarian, I -”

“Logan, please. I’ve told you to call me Patton!”

“I . . . apologize, P - Patton. I was merely lost in thought.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Logan! It’s getting late, you must be exhausted!”

“I am normally here far later than this,” Logan argues. “It is often inconsequential. But tonight, there is something off. I cannot put my finger on it, but I do not feel . . . right.”

“Well, could that be because it’s Christmas Eve?”

Logan snaps his head up from where it’s been leaning towards his microscope again. “It - it is what?!”

Patton pulls his phone out and shows Logan the lockscreen. It’s a photo of Patton and his husband (one of the baristas at Roman’s shop), but Logan is fixated on the date: December 24.

“Oh . . . oh my stars. It is Christmas Eve, and I . . . I am . . .” “Going home?” Patton suggests. “I know Virgil said the shop was closing early today, so I promised I would close the lab early too. We’ve got dinner plans. And by dinner plans, I mean I’m going to make breadcrumb fried chicken and he’s going to make noodles with sour cream and we’re going to eat store-bought cake and watch Christmas movies.”

He tilts his head at Logan, and the light glints off his glasses, adding an eerie, intelligent luminescence to his bright blue eyes. “What are you going to do tonight, Logan?”

Logan doesn’t know why he does it. He’s been working here for almost two years, and despite the fact that Patton is by all accounts incredibly friendly and personable, Logan’s been hesitant to open up to him. Still, he finds himself reaching into the pocket of his lab coat and pulling out a small, black velvet box.

“I . . . I may . . . I may propose to my boyfriend. I don’t know.”

Patton hums in consideration before hopping up onto a clear area of Logan’s lab table, swinging his legs. “Why don’t you know?”

“Wh . . . what?”

“Well, you seem hesitant to propose. Why is that? Do you have qualms about the concept of marriage?”

Logan shakes his head. “No, I - marriage is an institution, and one that has not always been readily available to the non-heterosexuals. I am not averse to participating. Additionally, there are excellent tax benefits.”

Patton giggles a little. “Tax benefits,” he mutters. “Okay, so there’s financial motivation. Have you known your boyfriend a long time?”

Logan nods. “Roman and I met in college. I often snuck into the auditorium after hours to do my work in solitude, and one night I snuck in there to find that I was not alone. He was practicing for an upcoming audition, and he was . . . breathtaking.”

Patton hums appreciatively.

“We were friends for three years. He finally asked me out our senior year, in the most dramatic fashion possible. I have never known him to do anything less than the most dramatic option, now that I think about it . . .”

Logan giggles - giggles - a little when he thinks about Roman. By all accounts, they shouldn’t work. He can be arrogant and short-tempered, and Roman is passionate and hot-headed, and they’re both so stubborn that compromise is often way out of the picture. And yet, someone, they work. Logan doesn’t pretend to know how, but they do.

“Roman is . . . Roman is everything to me. I love Roman - hell, I think I may be in love with Roman. I just . . . I don’t know if he feels the same way. He says that he loves me, and it is typical to love the person with whom you are engaged in a romantic partnership, but - but I still find myself hesitating. And I - I do not know why that is, because logically, I am being stupid, but -”

“Lo, you’re a brilliant scientist, but this isn’t something that you can work out with logic and numbers,” Patton says softly. “I think that’s why you’re hesitating. Because it’s feelings. And feelings are a non-quantifiable entity, as you’re so fond of putting in your reports.”

Logan blushes. “You . . . actually read those?”

“I’m your boss, Logan. It’s kind of my job to ‘actually read’ what you put on my desk.”

Logan fiddles with the eyepiece of his microscope. “You . . . are correct. I enjoy concrete data. I prefer to know exactly what is happening at all time. I like to be certain - I like to have all the facts. But with something like this, with . . . with someone like this, I . . . I cannot be certain. It is impossible for me to know exactly what Roman is thinking at any given moment in time.”

“Logan, when Virgil proposed to me, do you think he knew my exact thought process?”

“Well, no, but from my limited understanding, you and Virgil have known each other almost your entire lives. He had significantly more data on which to build his estimate of your response to his proposal than I do, and -”

“Poor Virgil was so nervous about what I’d say that he almost threw up. And keep in mind, this was after we’d been living together for years and had been discussing the topic of marriage on and off for a few months.”

“But he still proposed?”

Patton shifts his left hand subtly, letting the harsh fluorescent lighting gleam off the simple silver band on his finger. “I’m married to him, aren’t I?”

“That is . . . correct . . .”

Patton twists his wedding band as he talks. “I know it can be difficult to talk about feelings, Logan. They’re nothing like the hard sciences. You can’t write out a data sheet and plot a graph of someone’s love for you, as easy as that would make things. There’s very little concrete evidence here.”

Logan feels his heart sink straight through his body and shatter against the pavement. “I . . . I did make a . . . a spreadsheet . . .”

Patton’s eyes widen. “You . . . plotted a spreadsheet . . . of Roman’s love for you?”

“K . . . kind of . . .?”

Patton stares at him for a moment, and then he throws his head backwards and he laughs. Patton’s laugh is deep and full-bodied, and even though Logan suspects that he’s being laughed at, he can’t help but laugh a little himself. Patton is just the kind of person who makes everyone around him happy.

“Logan, you’re a treat, you really are,” he says, shoving his glasses out of the way and wiping at his eyes. “That is absolutely something that you would do.”

“I . . . I don’t think it’s working,” Logan says softly. “The whole point of the graph was to help me get over my irrational terror of proposing to Roman, and yet i still find myself shaking at the prospect! We have discussed the concept of marriage at multiple points, and we have both said that we would be open and amicable to the idea of marrying each other. Why, then, does the entire concept fill me with such terror and anticipation!”

He pushes angrily away from his desk, sending his chair whirling around in circles with the force. Rather than planting his feet and stopping the spin, he whips across the lab, narrowly managing to avoid collision with the wall. Patton hops off the table and follows Logan’s erratic path across the lab.

“Have you considered that you’re nervous because you love him?”

“What? That is absurd, Patton, surely the knowledge of our love would be a comfort to me, rather than a detriment?”

“Well, think about it. You love Roman, right? You love him so much that you’re considering asking him to be your husband. He clearly means a lot to you. And even though you’ve talked about marriage before, you can’t say with 100% certainty that he’ll say yes. It’s an unknown variable, and that terrifies a scientist like you, am I right?”

“It . . . I . . . you are very good at this, Patton.”

Patton laughs a little. “Well, when your twin’s a therapist, you kind of rub off on each other.”

Logan blinks. “You have a twin?”

“Yeah! His name’s Emile, he’s super great! His fiancé works at Roman’s shop with Virgil!”

“Apparently, everyone works with Roman,” Logan says.

“Everyone you know, anyways!”

The name Patton had said finally clicks into Logan’s brain. “Wait, you mean Emile Picani is your twin brother?”

“Yep! I took Virgil’s last name when we got married!”

“Your twin . . . is my therapist.”

“Oh, really? That’s so cool - but that’s not the point! The point is, romance isn’t supposed to be neat and scientific! It’s supposed to be messy. Do you know why?”

“Love is just a reaction caused by the interaction of various neurochemicals in the brain, I do not understand why it remains so complicated!”

“Love is more than that, Logan. It’s human. And because it’s human, it’s prone to error and messiness and weirdness, and that’s what makes it wonderful! It’s not perfect, Logan, but it’s not supposed to be. We just have to do our best and hope for the best, and honestly? As long as you get to be with your loved ones, does it really matter if it’s perfect?”

“I - I am a scientist, Patton, I strive for objectivity and - and facts and - and the truth and -”

“Well, answer me this, then, Logan. Truthfully. Would you rather have a perfect, objective life without Roman, or an imperfect, subjective life with him?”

“I - Roman. I want Roman. I don’t care if it’s perfect, I don’t care if it’s subjective, I don’t care if it’s messy or imperfect or - or - I - I just want Roman, if - if he’ll have me.”

Patton smiles. “From what you’ve told me, and the horror stories Virgil tells me about how lovestruck Roman is all day, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. But if you’re really concerned, here!” He plucks the crown of bright red roses off his head and deposits it neatly onto Logan’s head.

“What . . . what am I supposed to -”

“Give it to Roman,” Patton says. “He likes flowers, right? I always see you taking them home for him when you get particularly exceptional blossoms.”

Logan blushes. “I . . . th-thank you, Patton. I am sure he’ll greatly appreciate these.”

Logan clocks out on time, for once - which is to say, approximately four hours before he normally does. He tugs his thick woolen coat more firmly around himself and carefully winds the scarf Roman knit for his last birthday around his neck. He cradles the crown of roses carefully in his gloved hands as he walks, patting the coat pocket with the ring box in it.

Roman is the love of his life. He’d given up on finding anyone who would ever accept his eccentricities, and yet Roman had taken a look at the socially awkward chemistry nerd he’d been in college and decided to give him a chance, and Logan has never felt able to repay what Roman did for him.

Roman doesn’t know it, but he’d found Logan in an incredibly dark place. Logan won’t go so far as to attribute his recovery to Roman, because that’s foolish - he’d had to recover on his own, of course, had to make the hard decisions. But Roman had taken his hands on one particularly bad night and sworn that Logan might have to do it himself, but he didn’t have to do it alone. He was the first person to ever tell Logan something like that, and it was the final catalyst Logan had needed.

He goes to therapy now, and he takes medicine for his depression and his social anxiety, and he actively works to make his life better. He’s never known how to thank Roman, or to properly express how much he means to him, but he’s determined to get it across.

Still, he can’t help the nerves that bubble in his chest. Roman is ridiculously attractive and such a talented singer and baker and he runs his own business and he volunteers at the children’s drama theater on the weekends and he’s everything that Logan wishes he could be, except better, somehow. He loves Roman so much he feels like his heart is going to explode.

Roman’s coffee shop is exactly four and a half blocks away from the lab where Logan works. He’s memorized every single possible route from his office to Roman’s shop, and while occasionally he’ll meander around and take the scenic route, he’s a man on a mission today. He takes the most direct route home, carefully clinging to the roses.

He’s paused at the sidewalk, waiting for the WALK signal to flash, when something small and white floats down from the sky and lands on one of the roses in his hands. He blinks, staring at it without comprehending as another little white thing sticks to his smudged glasses.Then another, and another, and another and another and suddenly his frazzled brain puts everything together.

It’s snowing.

In his mind, he can already hear Roman shouting. It’s SNOWING, Logan! We gotta go outside and have a snowball fight so I can deck you! Come on, come on, it’s the most magical thing about winter!

Logan watches as the little flurries melt in his fog of breath, and tips his head back to watch the flakes become fatter and fluffier. He stares into the gray sky and makes a silent resolution: if it’s still snowing tonight, he will propose to Roman. It will be a sign from the universe that he’s doing the right thing, and it will be romantic. Roman loves romantic.

Finally, he catches sight of Prince Coffee, and a little of the weight hanging on his heart lightens. The door is painted a cheerful red, a bright splash of color in the otherwise drab and dreary city. Logan carefully shifts the roses to one hand and pulls the door open. The little bell that rings when the door opens has been replaced with sleigh bells for the holiday season.

“It is Christmas Eve, it is seven minutes until closing, the coffee machines are already clean, and I do not have the time to make fucking coffee right now I just want to go the fuck home,” Virgil says. Logan can’t see him, but he assumes that the assistant manager is probably lurking underneath the counter.

“I, too, wish to go home, which is why I’m here,” Logan says drily. Virgil pops up from behind the counter, eyes wide, face flushed with embarrassment.

“Oh! Sorry, Mr. Sanders, I just -”

“Do not stress yourself, Virgil, I understand. I usually arrive home much later than this, but your husband . . . talked some sense into me. And please, you may call me Logan.”

“What did Pat say to you?”

Logan gently sets the rose crown on the counter. “Is Roman . . . sufficiently preoccupied?”

Virgil rolls his eyes. “He’s in the back prepping dough to rest overnight, and he’s got headphones on blaring show tunes. I think we’re safe. Listen, you can still hear him.”

Logan strains his ears, but he doesn’t have to listen very hard for Roman’s bright voice, belting at the top of his lungs. Virgil rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. “Yeah, you’re good. So, what did Pat say? Did he force you to talk about your feelings? I know Emile’s the therapist but honestly sometimes I wonder if Pat’s secretly a therapist with the way he talks sometimes . . .”

Logan laughs softly. “Well, I do not know if I would consider that forcing, but feelings were discussed, yes. Specifically . . . specifically my feelings towards Roman . . .”

Virgil’s face falls into seriousness instantly. “Oh, god, are you breaking up with him? Because I know I complain about the fact that Roman waxes poetic about you twenty-four-seven, but i’m pretty sure that the only thing worse than that would be Roman sobbing about your breakup twenty-four-seven, plus he’d be absolutely shattered and then I’d have to fight you and I don’t wanna fight anyone -”

“Virgil!” Logan says, slightly alarmed by the way Virgil is spiralling. “Calm yourself, I am not breaking up with Roman!”

“Oh - oh, you’re - you’re not?”

“Quite the opposite, actually,” Logan says, and he’s grateful that his cheeks were already flushed from the cold air outside because he’s certain that he’s blushing brightly. “I do not wish to end our relationship, but - but rather, I hope to prolong and cement it.”

He pulls the ring box out of his pocket and shows it to Virgil. His eyes go comically wide. “You . . . you’re going to propose to Roman?!”

Logan shushes him frantically, but Roman is still singing loudly and doesn’t appear to have heard anything at all. “Yes, I . . . I have had this ring for almost two weeks now . . . but I have not managed to gather the courage to propose to him. I know I am being irrational, but . . .”

“You’re not,” Virgil says immediately. “You’re not being irrational. Everyone’s nervous when they take big relationship steps like that. Patton explicitly said that he’d love to be married, and I still had three panic attacks before I managed to ask him to marry me.”

Logan runs his fingers over the soft velvet of the ring box. “He just . . . he just means so much to me . . . and I . . . I know that, despite my many strengths, expressing my emotions is far from one of them. I am good at facts. Emotions are not factual. They are subjective, and I . . . I hate it. I hate that in every other area of my life, I am articulate and concise, and yet I cannot find the words to tell the love of my life that I wish him to be mine for eternity.”

Virgil blinks, cheeks slightly pink. “Well damn, Lo, just tell him that and I’m sure that it’ll be fine!”

Logan shoves the ring box back into his pocket and ducks back behind the counter. “I have made a decision. It is snowing tonight, and Roman has always loved the so-called ‘magic’ and ‘romance’ of snowy nights. So, if it is still snowing at midnight, I will propose to him tonight.”

“Christmas proposal?” Virgil laughs. “Man, Logan, for someone who claims that you’re not very romantic, this sounds like the single most romantic thing you could do.”

“Roman is the romantic,” Logan mumbles. “He deserves the best. My best is certainly mediocre compared to what he could do, but I hope that it is at least marginally acceptable.”

“Roman loves you,” Virgil says gently. “I wasn’t kidding about him waxing poetic about you all damn day. You’re the light of his life, and I’m sure he’s going to accept your proposal.”

Logan smiles softly at Virgil, picking up the rose crown. “I hope that you and Patton have a very Merry Christmas, indeed, Virgil.”

“Same to you and Roman,” Virgil says. Logan smiles softly at him before gently pushing the kitchen door open with his shoulder.

Just as Virgil had said, Roman is in the kitchen, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, headphones clamped firmly over his ears. He’s kneading a truly massive ball of bread dough, singing loudly. Logan looks at all of the trays of perfectly portioned dough balls sitting on almost every available surface and smiles to himself.

Roman suddenly belts out, “SOUTHERN MOTHER-FUCKING DEMOCRATIC REPUBLICANS!”

Logan can’t stop himself from laughing, because of course that’s the line that Roman chooses to shout. He expects nothing less. Roman turns to reach for another sheet pan, and he catches sight of Logan. The change is almost instantaneous - his massive smile grows three sizes wider, his eyes light up, and he’s quick to towel his hands off before pressing the pause button on his headphones and sliding them around his neck as he throws himself at Logan.

Logan catches Roman easily, feeling Roman’s arms latch around his neck and hug him tight. “Lo! You’re back so early today, my darling prince! I thought you were working late again!”

“Patton closed the lab early,” Logan says, “on account of it being Christmas Eve and all that. And . . . and I missed you. I confess that I have been working far more late evenings and early mornings than usual, and while I enjoy the knowledge that I am bringing home more money for you, I . . . I miss you.”

Roman pulls his face out from where he’s buried it in Logan’s shoulder and carefully presses their foreheads together. “Oh, Logan, mi estrella, you don’t have to work as hard as you do. You know that, don’t you? The amount of money you bring home doesn’t matter to me. I love you, not your wealth. We’re happy with what we have, aren’t we?”

Logan doesn’t mention the real reason that he’s worked so many extra hours - earning enough to buy Roman an engagement ring. Instead, he leans forward and gently kisses the flour-smeared tip of Roman’s nose. “We are, my love. We are.”

Roman smiles softly at him and leans forward to kiss Logan. He tastes like jam and coffee, and Logan gently brings one hand up to cup the back of Roman’s head. He threads his fingers through Roman’s silky-soft curls, gently scratching at his scalp, and he can feel more than hear Roman humming happily.

“I have something for you,” Logan says.

“A present? For me? But it’s not even Christmas yet!”

Logan laughs a little, sadly pulling his arms away from Roman’s waist to present the crown of roses to him. “Patton wove it out of a few of his blossoms. He thought that you might enjoy it.”

Roman carefully takes the rose crown and sets it on his head. Logan loves the way the bright red roses look nestled among Roman’s caramel curls. “Logan, mi estrella, it’s absolutely perfect! I love it so much. It’s a perfect early Christmas present, really. Thank you so much.”

Logan kisses his forehead. “Only the best for you, my rose.”

Roman blushes. “I’m just going to finish this last batch of dough so it can prove overnight, and then I’ll be up.”

“Roman, love, why are you prepping so much? Isn’t the shop closed tomorrow?”

“Yes, but it’s Christmas, and Patton invited us to his holiday party, remember? I’m bringing treats!”

Logan thinks that it’s still an awful lot of baked goods, but he isn’t going to question Roman. He’s not the one with a pastry degree, after all. “All right, my darling. I’ll meet you upstairs, then?”

Roman kisses him again, once, twice, three times, and then Logan heads upstairs. He changes into sweatpants that are a little too small and a sweatshirt that’s a little too big and puts on a pot of tea, running his finger over and over the quickly-wearing-out velvet of the ring box. He paces around the little living room of their apartment, eyes flickering between the door Roman will be coming through and the stove where the water slowly rises to a boil and the window, where the streetlight continues to illuminate fat fluffs of snow.

Roman doesn’t come upstairs until eleven thirty-six pm, and he looks absolutely exhausted. Logan pours him a mug of the tea he’s been keeping warm, and Roman quickly changes into pajamas. Logan sits down on the couch and pats his lap. “Come and cuddle with me, my rose.”

Roman yawns, tucking his body up into a neat little ball on Roman’s lap, and nuzzles into his neck. “Mi estrella, I’ve missed this,” he mumbles, letting Logan wind his arms tightly around his waist to keep his limp, sleepy body in place.  “I know you’ve been working late to provide for us and stuff, but I do that too. You can come home more often.”

“I am sorry, Roman, my rose,” Logan murmurs. “I will endeavor to be home more often in the future.” He gently presses little kisses to Roman’s cheeks and temple as Roman quietly sips his tea. On any other night, Logan would let Roman fall asleep in his arms. He would take his armful of sleepy, pliant boyfriend and tuck him up in a little cocoon of blankets and crawl in next to him and curl around him.

Perhaps they will still do that later. But not right now. Right now, it’s ten minutes to midnight, and the snow shows no signs of letting up now and Logan knows what he has to do. He gently shakes Roman’s shoulder. “Roman, my rose, my love, wake up, darling.”

Roman hums, disgruntled, and opens his eyes with a sleepy grumble. “Mmmnnnn wha’s hap’nin’?”

“Dearest one, can you please put on some clothes?” Logan asks. “There are only ten minutes until midnight, and I have a time-sensitive surprise for you.” Roman rubs his eyes, sitting up slowly. Logan smiles, leaning forward to kiss him, and even though Roman is only a little bit awake he kisses back anyway.

“Only for you, mi estrella,” Roman sighs, pushing himself up off of Logan’s lap in one languid, fluid movement. Roman is long-limbed and lanky, and all of his movements look as though he’s dancing through the air. Even when he’s half awake and stumbling through the apartment to put on real pants, even when his hair is a tousled mess and his eyes are only barely open, every minute movement he makes look intentional and beautiful and perfect.

Logan can’t believe that he hasn’t married Roman sooner.

He pulls on thick pants and a thick sweatshirt and his heavy coat and scarf and gloves and knit hat, and by the time he’s dressed and Roman is ready and he’s located his keys, it’s eleven fifty-three. Logan gently leads Roman out of their apartment, out of the bakery, and down the snow-coated sidewalk.

“It’s still snowing,” Roman marvels softly, reaching the hand not tightly clutching Logan’s up to catch some of the snowflakes on his mittened palm. “It’s going to be a white Christmas after all.”

“Yes, Roman,” Logan says. “I do believe that it will be.”

“Where are we going, Lo?”

“You will see, darling.”

Logan and Roman walk two and a half blocks away from their apartment, to the river that runs through the middle of their city. There’s a footbridge leading over it as well as one for motor vehicles, and it’s the footbridge that Logan leads them over. The handrails have garlands wound around them, and street lamps perfectly spaced along the length. Logan stops under the street lamp in the exact middle of the bridge and gazes out over the length of the river, towards the ocean.

“It’s beautiful,” Roman sighs, staring out at the wide expanse of dark water. Some of the slower-moving patches near the banks have begun to freeze over, and the lights of the city reflect like shimmering water-stars.

Logan looks at Roman. “You most certainly are.”

Roman’s face is pale pink from the cold, but it turns pinker under Logan’s praise. “Logan, I -”

“Roman, this - it is not my strongest suit, so - so I ask that you have patience as I attempt to express myself.” Logan turns to stare at the water, and out of the corner of his eye he can see Roman turn to stare at him. He feels his cheeks and ears heat up as he blushes and tries to form his thoughts into something that he can say.

“I . . . I am not good with feelings. I am a scientist, Roman. I prefer things to be straightforward and objective and factual, and even though I could give you the chemical breakdown of love with my eyes closed and describe the necessary cerebral structures in my sleep. But when I look at you, I . . . all my logical thinking flies out the window and I lose my ability to form rational thought. You are . . . you represent everything in my life that I am not - you are reckless and passionate and emotional and subjective and . . . and I am . . . and I am unsure how to proceed when I am with you.”

Roman blinks. “O . . . oh . . .”

But Logan is not done yet. “And I find that wonderful.”

“Oh?”

“I met you in college, when I was in . . . a place that, God willing, I will never return to. There were many times where I feared that I would lose myself to the darkness, times that I thought I would lose all emotion in pursuit of pure logic. But you - you kept me sane. You challenged me to face my emotions, instead of ignoring them, and you helped me work towards admitting I needed help. And - and when I finally did, it was not because I wanted to make myself better for you. It was because you helped me see that . . . that I had an intrinsic worth, and that if I was to get better, it would have to be for myself and no one else. You changed my entire world view, my entire life, and I . . . I do not know that I will ever be able to thank you for all you have done for me and helped me do for myself.”

Logan finally turns away from the river and turns to look at Roman, who has gone completely scarlet. “Roman, my darling, my prince, the light and love of my life, I am never happier than when I am with you, never more at peace than when I rest in your arms, and never surer of myself than when you smile at me and tell me that you love me. I . . . I have agonized over this decision for weeks, even though the probability that you will react favorably is overwhelming. I hope that my anxiety over your response to this shows you just how much I value you and your presence within my life.”

He takes Roman’s hand in his own and slowly, carefully sinks to one knee, reaching into his coat pocket and pulling out the box. Roman’s free hand goes to his mouth. “Lo, I . . .”

“I know we have spoken about this subject at length, but still, I find myself hesitating. I love you so much, Roman, more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life, and I feared that a negative response might break me open and expose my vulnerabilities to the world. But what I failed to realize was that -”

The street lamp illuminates Roman’s caramel curls and brown irises, and Logan’s breath catches as he stares up at what he’s convinced must be an angel.

“What I failed to realize,” he whispers, “was that you, Roman, have been breaking me open the entire time. You have shattered the walls I built to protect myself, and you have seen me at my weakest and my worst and my darkest and you have loved me still. I - I know now that I have nothing to fear, and - and with that in mind, I - I have a question for you.” Logan releases Roman’s hand (which flies to join his other hand in pressing over his mouth) to open the ring box. Inside sits a simple golden band, with a small ruby set on it next to a dark blue sapphire. Light catches on the gemstones, lighting them up as though from the inside, dancing across the golden band as snowflakes land on the ring and Logan’s glasses and Roman’s hair. Roman’s eyes shine with tears.

“Roman Alejandro Prince,” Logan whispers softly, “will you do me the honor of marrying me?”

Roman doesn’t speak for a long time. His hands are pressed over his mouth, and as he blinks tears skitter down his face and glisten like diamonds on his cheeks. Slowly, he begins to nod his head up and down, gradually picking up steam until he’s frantically flinging his head up and down.

“Sí,” he chokes, wiping frantically at his cheeks as he falls to his knees to join Logan in the snow. “Mi amor, mi estrella, luz de mi vida, sí, sí, sí, me casaré contigo, I will marry you, mi estrella, te amo, te amo te quiero te quiero -”

Logan leans forward and silences Roman’s joyful rambling with a kiss as the bell tower begins to chime out the hour - twelve o’clock midnight, Christmas morning.

(The next day, when they go over to Patton’s house for Christmas, Roman is wearing his engagement ring. As Emile and Remy fawn over him and congratulate him, Patton wraps an arm around Virgil’s waist.

“I told you Logan would propose by Christmas,” he hums. Virgil hands him a $10 bill and kisses him, rolling his eyes.

“Yes, you did, Pat. Yes you did.”)

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[kenshi-vakarian7]

MERweek2019 - Day 5 - Extreme Emotions

Event hosted by @cactuarkitty with fanfic prompts by @vorchagirl

Prompt - Write about a moment when emotions between your characters became a little extreme. Did their relationship become stressed? Did things get hot? Did loves almost break up? Drama, angst, smut, fluff - everything is on the table!

I can’t believe it took me over two years to FINALLY write my version of the High Noon mission.  After seeing this particular prompt, I figured now was the time to get it out there.  Honestly, I don’t think it really holds a candle to all the other amazing versions I’ve read, but I do hope you enjoy it regardless!

Also, please note that I DO NOT hate Sloane... it’s just how the story is since it’s written in the perspective of my Pathfinder, Kira Ryder.

---

“Untimely Grief”

“Ready, princess?”

Pathfinder Kira Ryder didn't usually let things get under her skin, especially things that would be considered petty and low.  Sloane Kelly's condescending tone with those words should've been one of them... and yet the words struck her as though those she was stabbed with a knife right through the gut.

Kira knew exactly why.  Had it been any other noun, it would've been so much easier to deal with.  Hell, even being called a bitch would've sufficed.

But no... it just had to be 'Princess.'  It had been years since called anyone ever called her that... more specifically, her late father.  

The noun jogged old memories Kira hadn't thought about since before leaving the Milky Way for the Andromeda galaxy – memories of simpler times of her childhood where Alec Ryder was an attache on the Citadel; how she looked up to him as her hero, who was proud of even her smallest achievements, and who wasn't as distant as he would become the older she got.  He was the reason she wanted to join the military.

She couldn't remember when he stopped calling her Princess, but she did remember realizing that he hadn't called her that for a long time at around thirteen-years-old.  And somehow, at that moment, the realization hurt more than it should've.  Between that, and the emotional distance he created, Kira eventually grew to resent her father.  It was easy to deal with while she attended Arcturus Academy in her high school years and, later, as an Alliance soldier since it meant not being around him all that much.  When she and the rest of the family were together, the most common companion at the dinner table was awkward silence.

It also didn't help when she and her brother Luke were discharged from the Alliance due to Alec's illegal AI research, nor the fact that neither of them could find a decent job in the aftermath.

After her mom died, it seemed to serve as a wake-up call of sorts for Alec.  It was only then, despite everything, that she and her father began to slowly mend the wounds that were left behind, and close the distance that was between them.  By the time they left for Andromeda, things still weren't perfect, but the mending process was still heading in the right direction.

They were barely in Andromeda when bad luck hit the family.  Not only was Luke in a coma due to a malfunction in his cryo pod after they hit the scourge, but Alec sacrificed himself to save Kira's and, for whatever reason, entrusted her his role as Pathfinder.  Since then, she had been constantly on the go with establishing outposts, dealing with the crummy half of Nexus leadership, maintaining morale for her crew, forming a trusting alliance with the angara, and trying everything possible to make sure that everyone who came to Andromeda didn't starve.

As she followed Sloane, the leader of the Outcasts, into one of the many hidden caves of Kadara, Kira realized that she never had the chance to mourn the loss of her father... and now she was forced to fight the floodgates that threatened to open and spill forth all the emotions she held in for months since his passing.

Of course this has to happen at the worst time, Kira thought as she struggled to get control of herself.  The last thing she needed was to break down right then and there, especially in front of Sloane.

She did manage to finally get a grip as soon as they reached an open space within the cave.  Kira focused on her surroundings... they were here because they were supposed to meet with the Charlatan, the leader of the Outcasts' rival gang, the Collective, to settle things once and for all.

Kira would be lying if she wasn't curious about who the Charlatan was.  After all, whoever they were, they seemed to have an interest in the Pathfinder despite never approaching her directly.  With the exception of her first day out in the Badlands, none of the Collective have tried to attack.  She later found out that they had orders not to harm her or her crew from one member with no reason given other than they were under the Charlatan’s orders.

Five seconds later, she figured out why...

“You look like you're waiting for someone,” a voice – a very familiar voice – spoke within the cave's shadows.

Kira turned her head to where the voice came from just as Reyes Vidal – a man she was slowly growing attached to since they met, with him introducing himself with the very same words he uttered moments ago - stepped out of the shadows and into the light. Seeing him standing there, a subtle frown on his face as he stared back at her, everything she knew about the Charlatan, the Collective, all the missions she and Reyes went on together suddenly fell together and made much more sense.

“Reyes?” Kira whispered, unable to hide the shock in her voice.

Sloane spoke up with disinterest, “I'm here for the Charlatan, not some third-rate smuggler.”

Kira glared at Sloane, who had her back turned to her, with a raised eyebrow.  She’s in denial.  She can’t be that stupid...  “They're one in the same,” Kira said.

“Surprise?” Reyes spoke up, his arms spread out at his sides as though he was emphasizing his reveal.

Between her whirlwind emotions from moments before, and now the shock of finding out who Reyes really was, Kira couldn't help but shake her head as, once more, she fought to get control of her emotions.  “So, did you really lie to me this whole time?”

Reyes didn't hesitate to reply.  “Not about everything.  You know who I really am.”

“Do I?” Kira couldn't help but ask with some contempt.

Sloane decided to get down to business, clearly not interested in their exchange .  “You said you wanted to settle things.  How?”

Reyes jumped down from the rock he was standing up before he faced Sloane.  “It's simple; a duel.  You and me, right now.  Winner takes Kadara Port.”

Kira's eyes widened in horror at his suggest.  A duel?!  She screamed in her head.  Reyes, what the hell are you thinking?!  Sloane's former Alliance military for crying out loud!

She wanted to shout these words to Reyes as panic began to set in.  Once more, she was forced to clamp down her emotions before she managed to calmly say to him, “You want to avoid war by shooting each other?”

“Two people shooting each other is better than a lot of people shooting each other,” Reyes reasoned.

Kira drew a quiet breath at that... knowing he was right.  This really was the best way to settle things between the two factions.  The rival between them was bloody enough as it was; worse for the innocent people who were caught in the middle of this gang war they wanted no part of.

“I'll take those terms,” Sloane accepted.

And then, they began to slowly circle each other, their hands close to their pistols.  Neither of them once took their eye off the other as they waited to see who would make the first move.  Kira stood in her spot, only able to watch what was unfolding in front of her.

Don’t die, Kira suddenly thought as she stared at Reyes.  Despite being mad about him keeping his secret from her, she knew he likely had his reasons.  It was irrational, she knew, but she didn’t care at this point.  All she cared about right now is that he survived the duel somehow.  I lost my Dad, and my brother is in a coma, and now I might lose y-

Her running thoughts suddenly stopped as she caught a glint within the cave's darkness.  Kira turned her attention to where it came from.  Despite the shadows, she was able to spot someone lying on their stomach watching what was unfolding in front of her.  She knew right away why they were there even before SAM mentioned it barely a second later.

Sniper, the AI alerted her through their private channel.  His sights are set on Sloane.

There was a split moment of relief; he wasn't there to kill Reyes... but she then realized that it was Reyes who brought the sniper here without Sloane's knowledge.  Instinctively, and for a couple of seconds, Kira thought about how wrong it was, how she can stop this duel right now.  She nearly took a step forward...

But then she stopped herself.  Looking at Sloane, Kira was reminded of all the horrible things she let happen here on Kadara.  The innocents who suffered under her rule, forcing them to pay protection before kicking them off into the unforgiving Badlands, not considering the needs of the angara who were here long before they arrived, among other things.

The Charlatan was not much better, but at the end of the day, they, no – he - her own feelings for him aside, was the lesser of two evils.

Kira also realized why a sniper was there to begin with. Sloane was former military.  Reyes was not.  It was a smart backup strategy on his part, as sneaky as it was...

With all that in mind, Kira didn't make another move...

The shot rang out and echoed against the cave walls. Sloane leaned forward as blood began to seep from her chest – right where her heart was – and she let out a pained gasped as she collapsed onto her knees.  Her eyes looked to Reyes, and then to the Pathfinder.  Kira read the single question in her shocked eyes – Why?

Kira, with her face neutral as she stared at Sloane, couldn't help her next thoughts.  I guess I'm not the 'princess' you thought I was...

And then, Sloane collapsed completely on her right side, her eyes closing as her life seeped from her.  As this happened, Kira was, once more, flooded with memories of her father and how he died to save her; memories of her brother who was currently in a coma on the Nexus with no way of knowing when he would wake up... if ever...

...And how she came close to losing Reyes today.

Kira didn't pay any attention as Reyes spoke to his sniper, who began to carry Sloane's body out of the cave to who knows where.  She didn't even realize that she fell to her knees and, suddenly, it was hard to breathe.  Barely grasping for her throat, she struggled to fully get air in her lungs.  She vaguely heard SAM say something, but she didn't catch what was said...

And then, someone pulled her to them and held her close...

Kira knew it was Reyes.  She should've been angry with him.  She should've been screaming and pushing him away, shouting to him about how he lied to her... but instead, she was tired. She was tired of the pressure that was on her shoulders, she was tired of fighting with the crummy side of Nexus leadership, she was tired of feeling alone in her struggle.  She nearly lost Reyes today, she wanted Luke to wake up already, and Dad, why did you have to die?!

The tears finally began to pour down her cheeks as she collapsed into Reyes's arms and sobbed into his shoulder.  Months of being on-the-go with no time to mourn her father, being worried about whether or not Luke would ever wake up, and now nearly losing the one person in Andromeda she come to deeply care for – it was too much to take, so much so that the vulnerability she dreaded to show to anyone was now out on the surface.

Kira wasn't sure how long she cried in Reyes's shoulder, venting out the mix of grief, pain, anger, and fear from her system. Eventually, the sobs subsided and she pulled back, though she didn't look at him right away.  A part of her wanted to bolt up and run away simply because she didn't want him to see her like this...

But she was tired... so damn tired...

Kira soon managed to pull away slightly to look Reyes in the eyes, despite knowing hers likely didn't look so great.  Looking at him, she was taken aback by what she saw – his lips were frowning, his eyes were dilated, and his eyebrows were furrowed.  It was all subtle, but she was able to read loud and clear that, whatever was running through his mind right now, he was frightened.

“Why didn't you trust me?” she ended up asking, her voice sounding more pitiful than she meant to.

Reyes reached a hand out to her face to wipe away the tears that stained her cheeks.  The features on his face seemed to turn less subtle and more clear.  Momentarily, he looked at the space that laid between them before he drew in a breath and gazed back up at her.

“I... wasn't sure what you would think,” Reyes finally said.  “I... liked the way you looked at me.  I was afraid that would change.”

It was Kira's turn to look between them.  She thought about the time they spent together ever since they met at Kralla's Song at the port.  It started out as them being nothing more than business partners, but the more time they were around each other, the more Kira... liked him, more than she had ever expected.  In fact, Reyes Vidal was the first person in Andromeda who made her feel normal and not just the Pathfinder.

“The thing about Reyes is that he always has a good reason.”  That was what Reyes's friend, Keema Dohrgun, said to her when they attended Sloane's party just a few weeks ago.  It was at the same party where they kissed for the first time – and where he let out a little of his own vulnerability over why he came to Andromeda in the first place.  To be someone...

She hadn't forgotten how soft his eyes would get when he thought she wasn't looking.  She hadn't forgotten the hopeful gaze he gave her after she kissed him in the storage room as a 'distraction.' And she certainly hadn't forgotten the way his voice growled in defense when his ex tried to involve her in their professional/personal dispute.  Even now, as she cried in his shoulder, he gently caressed her back and whispered in her ear in comfort despite her not catching what he was saying due to her not paying attention.

Kira wasn't thrilled about Reyes lying about who he was  she would’ve preferred being told the truth in the first place... but there was no denying that his actions, and the way he looked at her, told the truth about how he felt about her...

Thinking of all this, and with some caution about the future in mind, Kira made a decision... one that she knew she wouldn't hear the end of from her crew once they knew what happened here today.  But truthfully, she didn't care, because for one thing, she deeply cared for Reyes even before all this, and, well...

“Nothing's changed,” she finally said as she gazed back up at him.

His reaction was something to see, and it was almost like watching his mind process what she declared to him; there was a momentary shock in his eyes before he began to smile, almost in relief.  Then that same smile subtly transformed into something more... playful.

“You have bad taste in men,” he said, low and husky. He quickly closed the space between and pressed his lips to her, deep and yearning.  She returned the kiss with equal fervor just as they both held each other close, neither of them moving from the ground they sat on.

The kiss lasted a while until they were forced to stop in order to catch their breathes.  Kira moved to hug him closer, her face next to his.  “The worst,” she teased, her words whispered in his ear.

In response, Reyes kissed her once more, and she welcomed it.

[wtfzodiacsigns]

The Signs as how I know them

Aries: there’s no reasoning with you. you care for others so deeply, but you’re stubborn as all hell. that doesn’t stop you from giving your all to every situation you’re in. you’re a hard worker with a hard head but I still adore you. you can be a little irrational without knowing it and “I’m sorry” is not a favorable phrase for you.

Taurus: you’re incredibly smart. you know things that’s most people don’t and I truly don’t know where you get it. you love being the center of attention and being praised, but you’re very humble about it. you aren’t afraid of confrontation, and when you’re hurt, you show it in a quiet way. you feel guilty, but sometimes that guilt translates into anger. you’re stubborn and sometimes selfish, but you also have a sense to you that begs for attention.

Gemini: you are night and day. we get along for the most part, but when you’re mad, you go for the jugular. you don’t talk about your feelings a lot unless they’re the brunt of a joke. you’re unmotivated, especially when you’re deep in your sadness. but you still try to feel valid, yet have trouble getting there. it’s as if you’re at a constant conflict with yourself.

Cancer: you are a snake in sheep’s clothing, but it’s only because you’ve been hurt. despite that, you care so much. you would give everything, even the shirt off your back, if it meant helping the ones your care about. you have a small circle of people in your life sine you can’t trust many. you’re more judgmental than you realize. you will do anything you have to to get through your struggle, but you often lose yourself in your sadness.

Leo: you are hilarious. you don’t care what anyone thinks, at least on the outside. I never got close to who you are the inside. you never calmed down, you were always laughing and lightening the mood no matter how early or late. you are extremely loyal and a friend to anyone who needs it. you have a big heart and bug personality. family is important to you, and you have family everywhere whether blood or not. you could conquer the world if you wanted to, but you’re so chill I don’t think you ever would.

Virgo: everyone I’ve been closest to ever has been a Virgo. virgo..my wild crazy people. I have a bias for loving you all the most. you Virgos are crazy smart, so talented and gifted yet so unaware of your own power. you are such giving individuals, both practical and material, but special nonetheless. you can learn anything you want and you can excel at it so quickly it never ceases to impress me. you Virgos can sometimes be selfish, but without knowing really. sometimes you guys just get too caught up in your heads that the rest of the world stops.

Libra: ahhh so sweet just absolute sunshine. you care so much and you’re honestly such a cutie. you, however, don’t really know your identity quite yet, but you constantly search for it. even through your trials in life, you have this contagious and constant love to you. you always were ambitious and I always got excited planning things with you (even if those plans didn’t exactly come true)

Scorpio: you’re a hot mess. I truly don’t even know who you are. you were sometimes fun then sometimes a complete asshole. you confused me a lot and made me feel uneasy at times while also feeling super comfortable? you have this energy to you like everything has meaning to you while at the same time everything means nothing to you.

Sagittarius: two faced. you aren’t a bad person, you’re just not the person you acted like you actually are. you are loyal and easily hurt, but that hurt projects onto others. you can be insanely petty and hold on to things for super long. it’s as if your mentality can’t change, but it can grow. It always seemed there was just one version of you and that’s where it begins and ends.

Capricorn: I adore you. you are so you and so shameless about it. everything about you is hilariously poised. I love it. you were an amazing friend and we could talk for hours and hours. you kept things real and radiated confidence. you were super into your appearance and upkeep (especially your hair and nails) and everyone adored you like you were a magnet for happiness. you didn’t talk about you as much as you did others. I feel like you had a lot of emotions but didn’t know how to talk about them so you made a lot of jokes. I know you struggled a lot with figuring out your path but you eventually found it and I’m so happy for you.

Aquarius: you were my best friend. you were wild and addicted to life. sometimes you didn’t know what you wanted but you got stuff done. You’re a confrontational one, and you get easily offended, and you can certainly hold a grudge. still, you’re so fun and there was never a dull moment with you. you made life feel special and like something to look forward to. you, however, can be conniving, and I think that was because you were trying to figure yourself out. eventually you sought me out and apologized for what you did be it years later that you did LOL but I admire you for doing that after all the shit we went through

Pisces: B!TcH!!! Well I’m a Pisces so it’s hard not to go in on how stunning and horrible I am all at once, so I’ll speak on other Pisces I’ve known seeing as that’s the point. Pisces have no in between. It’s either WAY UP HERE or way down here. Pisces are unique in it that they know how to use their words to snake out of situations, they can be very manipulative. but, they’re some of the most compassionate and loving people even when they do fuck up. Pisces are massively indecisive and can often play the victim even when they’re at fault. despite that, they wield a certain creative love that boils over into something very compelling.

Source:isakkxeven

[sanguinesprout]

A glimmer of sunshine on a chilly spring day, possibility of a rainstorm later (Updates and blah)

A month flew by again, I can’t remember much of what happened other than that it started with another huge argument between me and my sis again. I had a long cry, reflected on things and let all the negativity seep out and diffuse like other times, something I needed to refocus myself. This time for sure I know I was in the wrong and it was all over something small and petty. I don’t know why I was being so irrational and it just made me hate myself and my messed up mental state all the more. 

The good thing from this though is I’m a lot more aware of another of my irrational sorts of thoughts/behaviours. It’s a fear much like everything else holding me back. Well, I see you now and every time you pop up, I’m going to try my best to shove you far far aside and prove you wrong!

One thing that happened during the argument was that my dad came to see what happened and even though I tried hard to hide it, like I always do, he saw me crying... This was such a big deal in my mind, like I can’t ever show this part of me, it makes me feel like I’m weak. Like it’s so taboo because my parents never show this side of them and because I’m an adult now too it just feels...idk maybe something disappointing to them..? 

The other thing is it’s awkward because they don’t know how to react. I just pushed him away. I shouldn’t feel this way though, it just perpetuates it, it’s okay to cry and be seen crying, to seek comfort and be human! I wish it wasn’t so hard, but because it’s the way it’s always been, it’s even more difficult to change. Emotional support is just something that wasn’t there, but I want it to be for all of us. Anyways, like all arguments go, we made up later on but I was the one to apologise first, because it was mostly my fault after all.

Something else came up that has been really difficult and saddening lately. My mum is ill. Not the passing common type of illness but something much more serious and I’m so worried and sad for her. Me and my family tried my best to look after her when she was too sick to do anything and thankfully she is doing better now with some medications but there’s the matter of having to do many more tests and the long waits for results to find out what is really happening.

I’m really hoping everything is going to be alright, that it is mild if there really is something wrong and that it can be fixed and she can be healthy again. She was trying to be strong and actually never told me the full story because she probably didn’t want me to worry more and because it’s difficult, but she told my sister and my sister told me. 

Just like before, I wish we could be there for each other properly. I’ll try my best to comfort her and reassure her as I have been doing, I won’t tell her I know what my sister told me, though it’ll probably be out later on. I don’t want her to be sad or ill, I need to take care of them better, take on more responsibilities. It’s crucial that I get a job asap and/or that I learn the skills needed to take over in the worst case. I just really hope it won’t get to that.

In other less glum events, I went to the interview for the retail job I mentioned in the last post. I actually tried extremely hard this time. I interacted as much as possible, talked and answered as much as I could. I was actually really proud of myself for really going all out, just tossing my fear aside even though my heart was bursting out of my chest in anxiousness. I tried to be like the people that shone in previous interviews. I’m glad I tried and I’ve grown and learned some more.

The only bad thing was once the group portion of the interview was over, I screwed up my individual interview bad. I blanked and struggled again. Out of the few interviewers I had the strictest and they shot me down on some of my answers, but still I tried. This time I was feeling a little more hopeful, like I actually had more of a chance this time, though the outcome was a rejection a few days later, oh well, I did the best I could at the time.

Upon returning home I went over everything in my head, I saw all the flaws or potential flaws and it felt bad but I won’t linger too long on it. Now that I know what I did wrong and what I did better this time, I can carry this over to my next attempt, keep trying till I get it. Of course there are many more factors than just what is done and said at the interview to choosing the successful candidates, so I can't beat myself about it too much, who knows what reasons others were chosen or why I wasn’t chosen, it could’ve been anything. I’m not that sad about it, it’s just another step on the journey.

Something else that happened since then is that I’ve gotten another interview elsewhere! Another retail job that I think fits me pretty well and I think I might like. It is super super soon and I’m nervous but a little less this time because it is said to not be formal or nerve-wracking like a normal interview, more of a group exercise thing. My sis actually went for the same thing and has informed me that it was exactly as such. I just hope that in the small chance I have to really make an impression, that I do well and that I will be successful. Of course if that doesn’t happen, at least I tried and I’ll keep trying again. Always learning and being able to do better.

I was feeling a bit more confident about my social skills, like I’m not completely inept, just kinda awkward at times, but very friendly and compassionate that’s much more important really. I really want to improve on this and show myself and others that I can communicate well and make friends just like I’ve been able to in the past. I can make it outta this hole, I just need to try more and not let my internal cringing and criticism take hold. What I think of myself is not always what others think. What I notice is not what others notice.

In other ‘leisure/educational/creative’ events, I tried a little more sewing and it’s hard and I was scared to do things wrong and welp, things went wrong, but that’s part of the learning process. I know to research and prepare better next time. I also did a little art and used materials I’ve been avoiding using because of unfamiliarity (and fear of failure/wastage again) and it actually went okay! It wasn’t perfect but I can tell I improved a little since last time. That’s something nice to know! It was actually a piece for my mum and she liked it, I’m happy, I was hoping it could maybe cheer her up a bit ^^

A little more motivation, a little more showing myself it’s okay to make mistakes and to be less afraid of just trying. More action, less overthinking! This is the way to go! If only my motivation and energy wells weren’t always running so low by default... even in this state, things must go on, I need to push onwards!

C’mon I can do this, do all the things important to life AND important to me! Nothing changes if I don’t actually do anything. Nothing ventured nothing gained!

Okay, I’m feeling a lot more motivated now. I should do something productive while I still feel alright! Go go go!

Have a fresh and productive spring start! :D

[silverscribe87]

On Lapidot Hate

I've been seeing a lot of Lapidot hate come across my dash lately, which is to be expected of the SU community. There is a very vocal crowd that despises the ship as if it personally crushed all their hopes and dreams. And that's fine. You can like what you like and dislike what you dislike.

What isn't fine is all the irrational and dishonest mental hoops people bend over backwards to jump through to justify their hatred. I'm gonna go over a couple of my favorites. I'll probably regret this.

Peridot is always there for Lapis, Lapis does nothing for Peridot. One sided relationship.

I swear if this isn't the most annoying load of bull. Peridot's emotional support and caring for Lapis is more obvious, more bold and easily observed. And there's a good reason for that. They're both at different points in adjusting to their new lives, at different points in their personal development. Peridot already went through a ton of development and adjustment before Lapis ever moved into the barn with her. Steven and the rest of the Gems helped her to grow. Helped her to become a new and better gem. A different gem from the one Lapis knew during her imprisonment on the ship. “It's different now, I'm different!” Ring any bells? Peridot is to Lapis what Steven was to Peridot. A guide. A steady pillar in a world that's been turned upside down for her. So yeah, Peridot will be doing a lot of heavy lifting in that department. And honestly, and I know I'll get hell for saying this, Lapis just has more trauma to deal with than Peridot ever did. And I am by no means trying to diminish what Peridot went through, what she sacrificed and her effort in getting over all that Homeworld programming. But Lapis got caught up in a war she was never meant to be apart of. Lapis was imprisoned in a mirror for thousands and thousands of years. And when she finally made it through all that, finally got to go home, she was betrayed and made a prisoner all over again. Yes nearly every character in SU is suffering emotional trauma to one degree or another, but Lapis' is some of the most intense and most prolonged. And she does care for Peridot. She encourages Peridot in things she's excited about. She gets involved in Peridots interest. She supports her. She protects her. Peridot has been Lapis' savior in more ways than one and while it's certainly not as obvious as the feelings Peridot lavishes on Lapis (and come on we all know Peri is a little overbearing anyway :P ) those feelings are obviously reciprocated. If in a more subtle way. It's not a one sided relationship.

Lapis was horrible to Peridot! She broke her recorder!

Of course she was! In the beginning. People seem to block out how...forceful Peridot was in Barn Mates. The last time Peridot and Lapis interacted before that point, Lapis was Perdot's prisoner. Just an informant necessary for her mission to earth. Dragging Lapis back to a place she had desperately tried to escape. Peridot was her interrogator. And now here she was casually trying to brush all that off as “in the past” and shower Lapis with gifts so they could just forget about all that and be friends! Relationships don't work that way. Now this isn't all on Peridot. Her interpersonal skills were still in development to put it lightly and Steven wasn't helping matters with his well intentioned but hugely naive attempts at guiding Peridot in forming a relationship with Lapis. But that doesn't change the fact that Peridot was still really arrogant at this point and didn't seem to fully grasp how she'd hurt Lapis in the past or why Lapis couldn't just let all that go and trust her now. Lapis didn't trust her and she couldn't understand why Steven trusted Peridot either. Because she didn't know the new Peridot yet. But when the Roaming Eye came and Lapis realized Peridot was telling the truth about everything. Yeah. She started being more receptive. More willing to get to know Peridot. Willing to trust her after being shown proof of her truthfulness. Imagine that. Lapis didn't break Peridot's recorder because she was being petty. Lapis didn't try to drive Peridot away because she's a bitch. It was all a very real response to her past experiences with Peridot exacerbated by Lapis' other existing traumas.

Those are my two biggest pet peeves. Lapis and Peridot's relationship isn't perfect. It has flaws. They both have flaws. That's life. That's people. That's relationships. If you can't stand the ship, if the thought of them being gay farmer artist girlfriends together drives you insane, that's fine! That's great even! You're allowed to dislike things! Allowed to critique them. But by the stars stop making up bullshit that just isn't true to justify your disdain. And really fucking stop attacking people who disagree with you.

I don’t think Lapis is some flawless, sympathetic angel. But she’s not the Satan some make her out to be. Nor is Lapidot, or most any other ship really.

[msilet]

Hello, Beloved Husband (2/3)

Summary: Harry and Eggsy finally find Merlin lying in a coma in Thailand. Harry uses his marital status with Merlin to gain visiting right.

Ship: Harry Hart/Merlin

Chapter: 2 / 3

Link to chapter 1: http://msilet.tumblr.com/post/167977795700/hello-beloved-husband

Link to chapter 3: http://msilet.tumblr.com/post/168964840325/hello-beloved-husband-33

Link to AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/12853176/chapters/29435082

Note: I told myself I would just write a small epilogue with the proposal and the wedding. 2500+ words later and I still have no wedding. That will have to be in chapter 3.

Chapter behind the cut

It has been 3 months since they brought Merlin back to the UK. The Kingsman doctors have assured him that Merlin is healing nicely and he should be up and about in the foreseeable future. Whiskey came over last month to examine Merlin and assured Harry that things are going remarkably well.

Another great news is that they located both Lancelot and Percival alive. Roxy had a lot of her bones broken and sustained a few fractures on her skull due to the building collapsing on her panic room but there was nothing their doctors could not mend. Martin was extremely lucky to escape completely unscathed thanks to not being home. He was on a mission and only routed his communication via his house to encrypt it. Martin was the one finding and bringing Roxy in. Eggsy, Harry, Martin and even Roxy in her temporary wheelchair take turn looking over Merlin so that the others can be away to attend to personal and Kingsman business.

Harry would like nothing more than to spend time at the temporary HQ with all the people closest to him but Kingsman has to come first. At the moment he is up in Scotland to oversee the construction of the new Kingsman distillery and below it, the Scottish base. They have decided to decentralize so that all of them can no longer be wiped out at once anymore. The tailor shop is being rebuilt as well as the original HQ, this time with state of the art defense systems. Harry sighs, when it comes to technologies, he would have loved to have the opinion and skills of his wizard. He does hope Merlin will be up soon and help him out because sometimes, all these tech stuff confound him.

Suddenly, Harry's glasses beep. Right after he turns it on he hears Eggsy yelling breathlessly, as if he's running from a stampede, into the mic, "Harry! Harry! Back to HQ! I'm on my way!"

"Eggsy, what's wrong?", he panics slightly, "Are we getting attacked? Is everyone alright?"

"No! No, nothin' like that!", Eggsy sounds like he does not slow down, "Roxy called! Merlin's up! He opened his eyes!"

Harry is speechless for a moment, then he starts running too. "Eggsy, where are you right now? Can you get to him soon?"

"Yeah, Harry, 'm in London, can be there in less than 30 minutes!"

"Good, tell Merlin I'm on my way. I'll find the fastest way possible even if I'll have to fly the helicopter myself!"

"Harry! You only have one eye, if you fly that helicopter I swear to God Merlin's gonna kill you himself!"

"That would require him being able to kill me first!"

"Harry, bruv, I will help him kill you if you fly that helicopter, call the pilot! Now I've got to go, bye!"

3 hours later

Harry walks to the hospital wing, a bloody long walk if you ask him. He can even hear Merlin taunting late again, Sir in his head. All his grand idea of being there when Merlin wakes up not only went up in flames but now he is late for his own husband finally coming back to the living world. Not that he is displeased, he's beyond happy but deep down there's a little pettiness, just a little. He was there the whole day yesterday. As he approaches Merlin's room, he sees Eggsy wheeling Roxy out. Eggsy's face lights up when he sees Harry. "About damn time, Harry. What took you so long?"

"Had to make a detour for something. Am I the last one?"

Eggsy grins mischievously and says "Nah Harry, lucky for you, Percival is still in mainland Europe!"

Harry exhales, "Well thank God for small favours."

Eggsy, and by extent, Roxy, moves closer to Harry. Roxy tells him "Merlin is still awake, come inside and talk to him before he falls asleep again, Arthur." Eggsy nods and continues Roxy's words, "She's right and I figure you've got lots to talk about, yeah? Good luck!" and then off they go.

Harry stands alone in front of the door, wondering why he is so hesitant. The adrenaline level he has been running on is now dropping low and all kinds of irrational doubts float to the forefront of his mind. What if this is a dream and when he pushes that door open he will see Merlin still in a coma or worse, dead? He had nightmares like that before.

"You coward, get a grip on yourself", he mumbles to himself. He takes a deep breath and pushes the door open.

The sight that greets him makes him tear up. It is really his dear Hamish sitting on the bed with pillows propped up behind him. As Merlin sees Harry, he smiles. His smile is slightly tired but genuine and that is definitely the greatest sight Harry has ever seen. "Hello, Galahad.", Merlin greets him with the familiar line. It is their thing; the sentence sounds completely professional to others but holds so much meaning for them.

"Hello, beloved husband. It is Arthur now.", Harry can't help but says as he walks over to Merlin's side as quick as possible, feeling like he is floating on cloud nine.

"Oh, my. Please forgive me, Your Majesty. I would have loved to stand up and greet you properly but…", Merlin gestures to his legs sarcastically.

Harry does not say anything, just silently raises his hands to touch Merlin's face while staring into his eyes. "Hamish…", he manages to choke out, his voice breaking.

"Harry…", Merlin only manages before Harry pulls him into a tight hug. He can feel Harry shaking.

"You're back, you're really back, alive, in my arms.", Harry says between sobs, still clinging onto Merlin.

Despite being in pain, Merlin lifts his bandaged arms up and wraps them around Harry, holding him close. "I'm here, Harry. It seems our time together isn't at an end yet."

"You are damn right it isn't. If I have my way, it won't be over for a long time.", Harry's voice is muffled by Merlin's shirt but audible.

"Yes, Your Majesty.", Merlin chuckles.

After a while, calmed down, Harry realizes that he is still holding onto Merlin tightly, too tightly in fact, that he might be hurting him. He pulls back and asks, "Did I hurt you? Sorry, I was quite overwhelmed." When Merlin shakes his head, Harry lets out a sigh of relief. He sits down on the chair next to the bed and smiles shyly at Merlin. "How do you feel, Hamish?"

"It hurts all over and I still feel pain where my legs used to be but I am happy to be alive and have my mind intact."

"No Kingsman test for you then", Harry grins, his eye watery.

"Fucking hell, no, Harry.", Merlin grins back. Both of them then just sit together in silence for a few moments. Harry uses this time to collect his thoughts and muster up some ideas of what to say next.

"Look, Hamish, there is something very important I need to tell you right now."

"I just woke up from a coma, Harry, can't it wait a few days?"

Harry hesitates but then looks at Merlin, pleading. "I made a promise when I found you in Thailand that I would do this the moment you come back to me. Indulge me, please?"

"Well then, Harry, what is it?", Merlin is fully curious.

"I remember that you love John Denver now, amongst other artists."

Merlin laughs uneasily "Well that's good, Harry, but I don't see why it's so important that you need to say it today."

"Please just let me finish. I am nervous enough as it is."

"Alright, go ahead."

"Hamish, I told Eggsy that when I was shot, loneliness and regret was all I felt, I had no one. That was not true. I did not want to tell the truth because I knew you could hear me. I did not want you to know that while I was filled with regret, it was because of all the things I wanted to say to you and experience with you. I lied about having nobody because I did not want to explain everything to Eggsy and take the focus away from him and Tilde. I was also still slightly confused and did not wish to deal with complicated matters while not operating at full mental capacity. That was a shit decision. When that mine went off, it was the worst moment of my life, much worse than when I thought I was about to die. I had to watch the most important person to me on this earth getting killed without being able to even shed a tear."

"The 6 months that you were missing, I could not go a moment without thinking of you, of what we could have had. You haunted me even in my sleep, saying I failed you. I didn't know how you could do it the 2 years before. Maybe you were better at controlling your emotions, maybe I didn’t mean as much to you as you do to me, I don't know, but I don't care anymore. You are here, now, and it's all that matters."

Taking advantage of a shocked Merlin, Harry pulls out a box from his suit pocket and gets down on one knee, looking up at Merlin. He opens the box, revealing a platinum ring with intricate patterns on the sides.

"I bought this ring before the day we signed our civil partnership document but only now can I do this properly. I love you, Hamish Andrew Ferguson, will you marry me? I mean, for real this time. I promise I would do everything in my power to make sure you are always loved, cherished and happy."

Harry waits for an answer but after a while, none was given. Merlin looks like he has frozen and become a statue. Reluctantly, Harry says, "Well this is the part where you either say yes, try to let me down gently or laugh at my face. This silence is not doing my heart any favour."

Merlin opens his mouth, then closes it, blinks, then open his mouth again but no sound comes out. Seeing Harry nearing a heart attack, he says, "Excuse me, Harry. It's not every day a man wakes up from a 9-month-long coma to a marriage proposal, I need time to process the information."

Harry deflates, all bravado leaving his body. He knows the request is definitely reasonable and he should not be demanding an answer immediately but he'd be lying if he did not dream of Merlin saying yes right away and then they share some sort of true love's kiss and everything would be right as rain, damn hopeless romantic that he is. He tries to smile, "Sure, love. You must be tired, you should rest. I'm sorry for springing it upon you so soon. It just feels wrong, keeping secrets between us any longer, life is too precious for that." Harry stands up and is about to turn around to the door but Merlin reaches a hand out to stop him. "Harry, sit down." Years of conditioning makes Harry obey Merlin's order without thinking. Merlin is looking at Harry now while Harry is staring down at his hands, still holding the box.

"Did you mean it?", Merlin broke the silence.

"Everything.", Harry does not look up.

"I am crippled now, Harry. Look at me, I'm going to be a burden on everyone. Are you really sure about this?"

"Sweetheart, granted, your long legs were so sinful they should have been illegal but they aren't the only reason why I love you. Without them, you are not a burden. Whatever your answer shall be, I will be there to help you through all this, even when you get mad at me, shout at me or tell me to fuck off. I love all of you, just as you are, regardless of circumstances."

"Since when?"

Harry chuckled dryly, "I don't know? I can't pinpoint an exact moment that made me fall in love with you. There were so many moments, across so many years that before I knew it, the only one I could have asked that day was you."

"Th…That day, it wasn't just for professional reasons?"

"No, I was just trying to find any reason to get you to say yes. Figured if I sounded too desperate I'd scared you off.", Harry smiles uneasily.

And then Merlin does something Harry does not expect at all, he giggles. "Oh God", Harry sighs, looking up at Merlin, "you are laughing at me. May I get an explanation as to why?"

"You are an idiot," Merlin signals Harry to let him finish speaking before getting upset, "and so am I."

"What does that even mean?"

"The answer is yes."

"That makes no sense! You just answered yes to a 'what' que...", Harry trails off, and then his eye widens, "Yes?"

Merlin still has a smile on his face. "Yes, I will marry you."

Now it is Harry's turn to be speechless. He just sits and stares at Merlin. "Y...yes.", he repeats.

The giggles are back. "Harry Hart, speechless. What a sight to see. To be quite honest, I expected you to be livelier."

And then Merlin finds himself with an armful of Harry Hart, crashing hard enough onto him that he has the air knocked out of his lungs. "Ouch, that hurts."

Harry is hyperventilating, he babbles, "You said yes. You said yes! Oh my God you said yes"

Merlin pats his back then slowly rubs it. "Would have said yes if you asked me like this then, too. I've been in love with you since our second year together as agent-handler. You were under serious hostile fire and yet still managed to steal that rare Star Wars action figure and brought it back unscathed for me as a souvenir just because you heard me talking about liking the series once in passing. To be absolutely honest with you, I would have said yes right that moment."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Many reasons, I guess. First, it was not professional. Being a handler and falling for your agent is both cliché and dangerous, not even counting it being bad for the team environment. What if people accuse me of favouring you? What if you don't reciprocate and then it would be awkward and hinder the missions. Not only that, Arthur was an old judgemental prick that would have given us hell if he suspected anything. Second, you are the Harry Hart, you could have had anyone you'd liked. I'm the plain Scottish nerd with shit upbringing and I spend too much time with books and computers. Figured I should have been contented with being friends with benefits. And then you asked me to enter the civil partnership and I jumped at the chance to take what I could get without asking too many questions.”

"We have been idiots, we wasted so much time." Harry sniffles, while his face is still buried against Merlin's shoulder.

"I cried so much the day I came to empty your safe after V-Day. I found the ring, you know, I had so many questions. What did you mean by buying this, why did you not give it to me, was it even for me. I thought I would never have a chance to know anymore. I shut myself off emotionally and carried on. Kingsman, especially Eggsy, needed me. Helping him accomplishing the vision you had for him was a way to keep you in my heart. Sometimes I dream of you proposing to me and us getting married somewhere beautiful in Scotland surrounded by our friends and I let myself indulge a little in that fantasy during the late hours at night before getting back to the missions in the morning. When we found you, you couldn't remember and then you did but not really, I was devastated but if you asked me to let you go, I would have."

"Please don't ever let me go. I won't let you go, Hamish. And it is not a fantasy anymore. I love you, I want to marry you and I'd do anything for you."

"I love you too, Harry", Merlin says, a tear rolling down his face.

"Can I kiss you?"

"Yes, Harry, you can kiss me."

Harry lifts his head up, cups Merlin's face with his hands and leans his face in closer, then Merlin meets him halfway. The kiss was full of love and longing and although no magic happens, Merlin's legs don't get magically healed, Harry is pretty sure it is True Love's Kiss.

Footnote:

Well yeah Hamish is a little easily persuaded but I would probably marry someone who gets me a rare expensive Batman action figure too. I chose the name Martin for Percival because I love Lywinis and bearfeathers stories so much, this is a little tribute.

[lonelyandgone]

London Calling – A Taylor/Joe Short Story

 She moves her gaze around the room, stopping at each piece of furniture, each item, to examine it. Her vision grazes over the soft beige chair in the far corner, the fringed teal throw resting upon it.  Then the matching couch and loveseat, each bathed with what she believes is an absorbanent amount of teal and brown throw pillows.  

There’s a picture on the wall.  A painting actually.  One she’s never seen before.  The London tower, brushed in beiges, browns and creams to match the prevailing theme in the room.  She imagines that Erica likely found it at an estate sale, recalling her conversation with her assistant four days before where Erica had enthusiastically told her about her newest London adventure.  You wouldn’t believe the stuff I’ve found, she squealed, causing Taylor to smile.

There’s a piano to her left, pictures of her family and friends already sitting atop it. And within the shelves of the wall behind it rest neatly lined books, her books, ones that she asked her mom to box up from her New York City apartment.  And then there are the two fluffy pillow beds, placed against the wall nearest the piano.  Olivia and Meredith, the bright teal stitching reads across the front.

This is her home.  Her assistant and her mother taking great care in making sure that it feels that way.  Both texting recommendations for wall colors and emailing pictures of bedding. Both boxing belongings, framing pictures and buying Taylor’s favorite candles, all in an effort to make sure that this place felt like hers from the second she walked in it.

And it does.  Every inch of it screaming Taylor, every square inch offering her favorite items, her most wanted foods and connectors to her family and friends.  But still, as her gaze moves around the room, takes in the amazing London flat she now calls home, or one of her homes, she feels a bit reluctant.  

She would be lying if she said she never expected to ever call London home.  She did.  But under different circumstances and, honestly, for a different man.  Even before that, even before she’d ever given any thought to moving abroad for a relationship, she considered buying a cottage nestled within the rolling countryside.  She had envisioned planting a garden and flowers, lots and lots of flowers, and sitting in a swing looking out upon her English dream as she wrote lyrics and sipped Earl Grey tea.  That dream seems like it was a lifetime ago now. Back when her only care was writing her 5th album and spending her days with her friends.  Before Adam and Tom.  Before now.

Before him.

She closes her eyes, a smile inching onto her lips as her mind slips over the past few weeks.  She had never expected him.  Never wanted him.  She was sure that her heart would never be the same after Tom.  She was sure that she didn’t have the slightest clue how to have a functional relationship after him.  Tom had stolen her heart, wrapped her life into a whirlwind to the point that she was so delirious with being near him that she conveniently ignored the bigger picture.  Or not so conveniently, she thinks.  

By the time she had opened her eyes it was too late.  By the time she had told him what she wanted, he could only believe that she was pulling back.  And perhaps she was but not from him.  She was so wrapped up in the newness, in the intoxicating feel of him, in his “I’m not afraid to show everyone I love you” attitude that she didn’t realize that living her love for him so publicly wasn’t what she wanted.  She was pulling back and when he resisted that pull, she pulled even stronger.  

And then they snapped.

She walked away saying no more.  No more love. No more relationships.  No more getting so wrapped up in somebody, in the feelings that somebody brings you, that you lose sight of what you need to make a relationship work.  She had considered, many many times, if perhaps she hadn’t been tossing in his whirlwind in the beginning and had been clear about who she is and what she wanted, if maybe they would have been able to make it work.  If perhaps she would have moved to London to be with him behind closed doors and away from prying eyes.  

She knows she’ll never know the answer to that.  

Those were the questions still plaguing her mind when he arrived.  When intriguing blue eyes and a boyish grin took hold of her, waltzing into her life when it was the last thing she wanted.  She had ignored him at first, resisted resting her gaze on his, offered the briefest of hello’s and chatter before she’d turn away.  But as much as she resisted, he persisted.  

He was charming. Handsome.  She noted how poised he was, how eloquent and well spoken.  In those ways, he reminded her of Tom and that pained her a little.  But he was different in many ways.  Many little ways.  She liked that even in his persistence, she would get a glimpse at his nervousness shining in the back of his eyes.  She liked that when she finally allowed him to hold her hand, that he walked beside of her, his hand holding hers loosely.  He didn’t lead her, like Tom so often did, didn’t hold her hand so tightly in his that she felt like she was an extension of him.  She had liked that about Tom, or so she had thought, but once her hand shifted into Joe’s, she realized that this was the way she preferred it.  Equal and even, not an ounce of possession.  

He made her smile. Made her laugh.  Made her heart beat a little faster and her palms feel clammy. And before she realized it and far before she expected it, he made her open up.  He listened to her, talked to her.  He kissed her cheek ten times before he ever attempted to kiss her lips. He told her about his mother and brothers, showed her pictures, frayed and torn as he pulled them out of a wallet he proclaimed was once his grandfathers.  

And then two days before Thanksgiving, after she had spent a marathon evening with him on the phone, she woke up in her bed with a realization that something had happened that hadn’t happened in months.  She had made it through a night without one single thought of Tom.

Days later in Watch Hill, she had sat crossed legged on the counter, a glass of wine in her hand, Todrick and her mother at her sides.  She told them about Joe.  Told them about her fears and her concerns and she had asked them if it was too fast. It was too fast before.  Was she making that mistake again.  Her mother had smiled and shook her head.  It’s not the same she had whispered before she added that Taylor knew her own heart better than anyone else.  Todrick had laughed, throwing his head back and did his best Forrest Gump impression as he told her that life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.  She told him that she’d prefer a Grey’s Anatomy analogy but she’d take that one.  But before he left, he had winked at her and told her that sometimes you have to take a risk, sometimes risk after risk, before you get the reward.

It was those words that had stuck in her mind the most.  Dancing across her thoughts when she talked to him, jabbing into her mind when she considered a risk she had considered under different circumstances before. Moving to London.  Renting a place and making it her own for a few months. Maybe more.  She had asked Joe what he thought about it, what he thought about another risk, hiding, and he had smiled and said she had no idea how much he’d like that.  

So, she created her own whirlwind.  She researched, had her mom and Erica researching.  She found a place, ordered furniture and read emails and text messages about swatches and curtains and backsplashes.  She packed and shipped, talked to Brandon about security logistics, and then she got on a plane and flew to England.

And now, standing in the living room of her newly acquired home, she feels the whirlwind start to dissipate.  The exhilaration and excitement seeping from her body, a new feeling of worry and concern taking its place.  What was she doing, she asks herself?  What was he doing?  Do either of them truly know?  

She just moved across an ocean for a man.  She can say it’s for a sanctuary to write, away from the lenses of cameras and squeals of fans.  She can say that but that’s not entirely true.  She could get that somewhere else.  But what she can’t get somewhere else is Joe.  

Joe.

And then there is the question that popped in her mind the very second she stepped foot in this home. A question she hadn’t actually allowed herself to ponder prior to that.  Is he ready?  And that question is followed by others.  Does he really know?  Has he really considered?  Can he? Will he?  

She sucks in a deep breath, her chest pulling full as she holds it in, closing her eyes and counting. When she gets to five, she shifts and lets the warm air fall back over her lips.  

There’s a knock at her door soon after.  One that she knows is him.  She looks over her shoulder at the door.  Inhales. Counts to five.  Exhales.  And then turns, walks, and opens it.  

He smiles the instant he sees her and her heart responds with a skip and then a race.  It’s a feeling that she should be used to by now but she’s not.  Instead, every time she sees him, every time she feels it, it seems like the first time. That feeling of zealous butterflies swimming wildly in her stomach.  The feeling of her heart pounding against her chest in a rhythm reserved only for him.

God, she loves it and that scares her.

She sees his smile slip at her tentative smile.  He takes one step in before she raises her hand up, palm toward him, and stops him.

“Before you step in here, before you do this, there is something I need to say.”

He eyes her, jaw locked, for one second.  Two. And then dips his chin so slightly she almost misses it.

She takes a deep breath and raises her eyes to the ceiling, mustering the words she feels she needs to say and then they begin their erratic fall.  

“I’m a mess,” she says, “not all the time but sometimes.  I can be irrational and neurotic and petty.  Sometimes I don’t think before I speak and I end up saying things that I don’t mean or that I wouldn’t typically say.”

He nods, his eyes steady on hers, and she continues.

“I will choose my cats over you most of the time.  I’m not being funny, that’s true.  And sometimes I might even choose my friends over you because, well, that’s who I am. I was once that girl who would toss a friend over the edge to be with a guy.  Then I grew up.  So, if Abi or Martha or someone calls me and needs me, I will go.”

She shifts from one foot to the other and then does it again.  Her words now flowing like a river.  

“I watch chick flicks. And Grey’s Anatomy and will sometimes watch a marathon of Friends or Law and Order without taking a shower or even changing clothes.  I eat ice cream when I’m sad or upset.  I drink wine. Lots of it and in every color or variety except chocolate wine which scares me.”

He chuckles and she smiles but then takes another deep breath and allows her words to spill over once again.

“Sometimes I’m scattered. Often, I’m skeptical.  I can love too hard.  I can take things too personal.  I cry at commercials or those ads about sick animals or kids.  I spend a ton of money and I give even more than that away.  I don’t always make the bed and I refuse to pay someone to do something like that when I know that I can do it.  Cleaning, yes, sometimes.  But making my bed, no.  That’s just me being lazy.”

Placing her hands on her cheeks, she rubs them down her skin and then lets them fall at her side. “I’d rather cook at home and watch a movie than go out.  I’d rather read a book than go to a movie.”  She laughs slightly at that one with Joe grinning.

“Ok,” he says and she moves her eyes to his, resting her tired blue eyes against his vibrant ones. She keeps them there for a few seconds before she licks her lips and continues.

“I want kids.  Not now but sometime.  One.  Five.  However, many I’m supposed to have.  I want to paint their rooms and put stickers of Tinkerbell or Peter Pan on their walls.  I want to read them stories every night and take them to Disney World and to the beach.  I want to hold them on my lap and flip through old picture albums, pointing out my grandma while telling stories about her.  I want to kiss them goodbye before they go to school and hug them when they get home.  I want to take them on tour with me when I can or maybe just stay home and write and never tour again.  I want a life.  A real one. Sometime.”

When her eyes lower to the ground and latch onto his feet planted firmly just inside her door, her voice fades to a soft whisper.  

“My life isn’t easy. And you need to really realize that yours won’t be either.  We may be able to hide for a while but not forever.  With my life, that’s not possible.”  She takes another long and ragged breath before she continues, her eyes still locked on his unmoving shoes.  “My picture is always everywhere, even if I’m not anywhere.  My name will always be written on a message board or in a twitter post.  There will be pictures.  Tons of them. Fake and real.  And then there will be news stories.  Also, fake and real.  There will be rumors that I’m cheating or you are.  They will dig into your past and even predict your future.  People who don’t even know your last name will hate you because you will be guilty by association.  And they will hate your family too.  The bottom line is that my life will be problematic for yours. Without any doubt, it will be.”

Inhaling sharply, she raises her head up, her eyes back to his.  She’s unsure what she reads in them but she steadies herself and breathes.  “So, I need you to think about that.  Really think about it.  Think about if you want that.  If you can handle it.  And if you have any doubt whatsoever, I need you to please turn around and leave.  Because as much as I’ve tried not to, at least not so fast, I’m falling in love with you.  And it will hurt a whole lot less if you walk away now rather than waiting for me to be completely in love with you.”

She draws in another haggard breath and then forces a smile onto her lips.  Joe watches her, mouth slightly open and then licks at his bottom lip, lowers his eyes and turns on his heels, stepping out of the door while closing it behind him.

The sounds that seeps out of her is gut wrenching, her heart falling so hard that she would swear it had shattered within her body.  She crosses one arm across her stomach, moving the other up so that her hand can clamp over her mouth.  She wants to cry, wants to sob uncontrollably, but yet her body is so frozen that she simply shakes.  Every inch of her shaking.

And then, just when she feels as if she is going to break down, her door swings open and her eyes move to it.  Joe steps in, a large black leather bag held in his right hand.  He doesn’t smile, doesn’t say a word, but he tosses the bag up, resting it onto his arm and unzipping it with his free hand.  He digs for a second, pulls something out and then drops the bag to the floor with a bang and takes off walking.

She doesn’t follow him, her eyes simply laying on him as he moves about, glancing into one room before he moves onto another until he stops just outside of the master bedroom and turns to his side to face her.  “Come here,” he says and then holds his hand out in her direction.

She doesn’t.  Not at first.  Not until he flexes his hand and tosses his head back, urging her to come. And even then, her body seems to rebel against the movement, her legs unsteady and numb.  Her heart though, it doesn’t rebel.  

Taking his hand when she reaches him, she notes, again, how loosely he holds it and how he waits for her to step beside of him before he moves with her.  They go in the bedroom, around the huge king size bed draped in Egyptian cotton sheets and a massive down comforter, and then into the bathroom.

Joe flips on the light, glances around the room and then releases her hand and steps to the counter. He reaches forward, across the sink and then drops a thin object into a holder beside the soap dispenser.  She stares at it.  Her heart reacting with a race, the butterflies starting to swim once again in the pit of her stomach.  

There in the antique holder that Erica found at yet another estate sale, rests a simple toothbrush.  Blue, bristles smashed and disarrayed from previous use. But this isn’t a simple toothbrush, she thinks.  This is his toothbrush.  His toothbrush in her home.  In her master bathroom.

She can feel the warmth on her cheeks, the smile hinting at her lips.  

“Now that that’s sorted,” Joe says, moving his body to rest in front of hers, his fingers nipping at her chin, tipping it upward so that their eyes meet, “I’m not going anywhere. It’s you and me.  All that other rubbish isn’t going to scare me away.” His hand slips behind her, resting at the small of her back as he presses against it and pushes her chest to his. “I’ll take every bit of you, Taylor. The good.  The bad.  The neurotic and problematic.  All of it. Every single day.”

He kisses her nose before brushing a gentle kiss across her lips, his breath minty and hot on hers. “I’ll watch your chick flicks,” he says, a twinkle in his eye, a sly smirk on his mouth, “And I won’t get mad if you choose Olivia or Meredith over me.”  Tightening his grasp, he smiles down at her.  “Taylor, I’m here for whatever comes our way.  Whatever.  I can assure you of that.”  

An hour later, after he wraps her body around his and kisses all of her fears away, he rolls off of the bed, stopping at the doorway to smile at her before he steps out.  He returns a minute later, the leather duffle bag back in his hand and he pulls out a small wooden frame matching those already adorning her piano in the living room.  

Tucked behind the glass is a picture of him and her.  They are standing near each other but not touching, their eyes locked, their smiles a mirror of each other’s.  It’s a picture she’s only seen one time before.  On Lily’s cell phone the night of the Kings of Leon concert.  The night she decided to let the persistent man make a case for her resistant heart.  Lily had snapped the picture just before Joe slid his hand around her waist and pulled her in to dance.  

“I knew your mom and Erica were decorating this home so I asked them if I could contribute one thing. They were plenty eager for that to happen.”  He smiles warmly, his blue orbs reaching into her soul.  “Erica directed me where to go to get a frame to match and Lily texted the picture as soon as I asked for it.”  

He reaches the frame out to her, placing it in her hands gently just as she rubs her thumb across their figures within it.  

When she rests her hand on the edge of the picture, he moves his to place on top of it.  He squeezes lightly, prompting her eyes back to his. Then he smiles, a smile unlike any she’s ever seen him smile before.  “This is your home, Taylor.  But I want to be part of it.”  And as he moves his hand from hers to cup her cheek, she can feel in every fiber of her soul and every inch of her bones what is about to come next.  

“I’m falling in love with you too,” he whispers through his smile, “and I have zero doubt that you will make me fall in love with you more every day.”

She leans into him, smiling into his kiss.  When he snakes his hands through her hair and starts to trail a line of kisses down her neck she moans and lets him press her back into the bed.  Into their bed.  

The next day, with his family at their sides and her mother on facetime, they decorate their very first Christmas tree together.  A gift from his mother, his brother carrying on his shoulder into the house.  They place ornaments and twinkling lights upon it and a large silver star at the top.  When they are done, he slips his fingers through hers and she moves her head to watch him as he beams at the tree.  And just then, Todrick’s words from Thanksgiving sift back through her mind.

Joe, she thinks, may just be the best risk she’s ever taken.  Or at the very least, the best reward.  

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 114, July 2018

On Sunday afternoon, we had my step-dad’s 60th birthday party. I often find parties and social gatherings to be very challenging on me mentally and emotionally. This weekend, I had the added complication of poor quality of sleep, low energy levels and chronic fatigue in the mix. So even putting up a few decorations required a lot of physical effort from me. And then there’s dealing with other people’s energies which leaves me feeling very drained and exhausted. None of this is anybody’s fault, it’s just the way I’ve been wired.

Thankfully we had the function at home so I could basically retreat and hibernate in my bedroom if things got too much for me. To an outsider, it may seem like I’m being anti-social or lazy but in actuality, it’s a combination of being introverted, shy, reserved, autistic, anxious and depressed that makes me feel this way. Still I’m learning to cope with it better. We had the party catered for by a caterer named Erica from the Finger Food People plus the cake and cupcakes were designed by my friend and former team-mate Cathy Horne.

On Monday night, I went to a Yin yoga class with Aaron Petty at Level Up Yoga in Berwick. I was still feeling very much tired and worn out after the hectic weekend I had and so I felt like I really needed more of a restorative practice tonight. The wind was howling loudly outside the studio and the walls were shaking a little but I was safe and sheltered inside. It was another intimate class tonight with just the two of us (we can make it if we try!). Tee Bee and I.

Tonight we did a number of restorative poses and Yin-style stretches including Seated Forward Fold, Bridge Pose and Waterfall, Deep Neck and Side stretches. As usual, the class brought up a lot of emotional issues festering inside of me which currently lies around my uncertainty about work and the future as well as my social skills and wanting to make more friends. https://www.yogajournal.com/yoga-101/types-of-yoga/yin

(Why do I find it so hard to put myself out there and socialise? I wish I had more friends in my life. I wish I got to hang out more with them. I feel so powerless at work with all these roster and management changes. I can’t handle it. What’s wrong with me? I’m a doormat. I get so easily emotional whenever I make a mistake or somebody else insults me or I can’t answer a customer’s question. I feel so dumb sometimes. I’m lucky to still be working here.)

The above is pretty much what came up for me and is very typical of my thought patterns about myself, my situation at work and my social life. But yoga helps to turn these negatives into positives. To be able to let go of these stories which are holding me back in life, some of which are simply untrue. And it’s what I love about Aaron’s philosophy towards his yoga practice. He is always encouraging, supportive and accepting. Never judgmental or harsh or critical.  Thank you Aaron for being there for me. https://www.aaronpetty.com/teaching-schedule/

On Tuesday morning, I did my first Boxing / HIIT Power small group training session with CinFull Fitness in Narre Warren South. I’ve known Cinamon Guerin for about a year or two now from participating in her Body Combat classes at Casey Arc. Now she also runs a personal training business on the side with small groups of clients in her home garage. I’ve contemplated coming along to a class for a while now but it was either not the right time or life got in the way. But now I’m finally giving it a go. https://www.moneycrashers.com/health-benefits-boxing-workouts/

It was just myself and Sarah today who is one of Cinamon’s regular clients. After filling in my registration forms (I go into a lot of detail as always), I was ready to get started. We warmed-up by doing alternating exercises (Wall balls, Ball slams, Battle Ropes, Kettle Bell  Swings) at 30 seconds each. Next we did some weighted back squats and squat pulses, TRX exercises (Ring Rows, Squats, Lunges) and some lifts with the dumb bells (Bicep Curls, Overheads, Tricep Push-ups).

Lastly we did some basic boxing drills. I’m still fairly inexperienced when it comes to boxing though I have done a couple of group fitness boxing classes and a little with my personal trainer Mandi Herauville in the past. Thankfully Cinamon didn’t make it too difficult for us today. I gotta get back into the swing of things. I still have moments of self-consciousness whenever I’m workout out. Being comfortable with looking at myself in the mirror is still something I struggle with due to my body image issues and being overweight.

But it’s something I really want to work on and improve over time. One day at a time. The thing I love about Cinamon is her ability to make fitness enjoyable and accessible. It’s really tough work but the results you get from working out are worth it. My mental illness does have the tendency to interfere at times whenever I’m exercising, often to extremes like questioning whether I’m going to pass out or have a heart attack. It’s more than I’m still unfit at times and so it’s no surprise that I’m puffing and panting quite quickly.

These fears are irrational though as being out of breath, fatigued and profusely sweating are all normal by-products of working out. Of course you have to still be mindful about not overdoing it or causing yourself an injury. Cinamon constantly asks how we are feeling and that’s a sign of a great personal trainer. No client wants to be dragged off to Casey Hospital in a paramedic van because precautions weren’t taken during a session. And so in that sense, I feel very comfortable and secure with Cinamon training me. Personal safety should always come first. https://www.facebook.com/CinFullFitness/

On Thursday night, I attended the Young Adults AS Peer Group meeting at MS Australia - the Nerve Centre in Blackburn. Tonight’s discussion topic was on self-motivation which is something I’ve been struggling a lot with recently. My quality of sleep has been noticeably worse lately, dipping to around 4-5 hours per night with broken periods of me waking up at around 3-4am and then 6-7am. Sleep disturbances and insomnia is nothing new for me but it seems to be getting harder to manage of late.

Sleep deprivation really has a devastating affect on my moods, concentration levels and energy levels. Hence why it’s been difficult to motivate myself most days unless I have set appointments or shifts at work. But even then I notice that I’m tired, restless, irritable, moody and struggling to function at times. I have found that meditation, listening to calming music and going to bed helps to a certain degree but not always.

I honestly had mixed feelings about tonight’s meeting but I feel like a lot of it is clouded by my current mental state. Bumping into Gayle again, I felt really hesitant like I was walking on eggshells around her and didn’t want to draw her attention. I decided to sit by myself after I arrived but it didn’t take long for Gayle to drag me out of my chair. I did appreciate her trying to encourage me to mingle with a couple of new “Aspies” but sadly it fell flat for me.

I almost felt like saying “Hi I’m Michael. I’m socially awkward and introverted. Nice to meet you.” Because that’s exactly how I feel inside in any group situation. But thankfully Max was lingering around to make socialising a bit easier for everyone before the meeting started. Gayle’s proposal was still haunting me in the back of my mind. I just know that I don’t have the social skills, the personality nor the confidence to be a group leader hence why I’ve been so evasive and dismissive about it. However, they are things I really do need to work on.

The meeting itself ran alright. We got divided into three separate discussion groups like last time. I ended up being in Max’s group outside on the sofas. Though I personally only came up with one decent suggestion to contribute, we still managed to get some great ideas written down on the butcher paper for ways to get more organised in our daily lives. These include:

Using planners, calendars, diaries, post-it notes and notepads

Setting alarms at scheduled times on your phone

Writing to-do lists, prep lists and shopping lists

Using filing systems such as folders and display books

Preventing problems before the arise

Persistence in the face of setbacks e.g. extending deadlines

Ensuring that you take regular breaks and reward yourself when tasks get completed

I could feel myself getting easily distracted and struggling to maintain focus tonight at times so I decided to leave early. The jury is still out as to whether the Young Adults Aspergers peer support group is the right venue for me to make new friends. It’s been a constant challenge for my entire 32 years of existence to find a place where I belong, to connect with like-minded people, to be understood, accepted and included. The one positive is that at least I’m slowly becoming a familiar face at Aspergers Victoria. Putting yourself out there and speaking up in a group is fucking hard to do but at least I can say I’m trying and I’m not giving up. https://aspergersvic.org.au/young-adults

On Friday morning, I went to my Body Pump class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. To be honest, I was still feeling worn out and restless after arriving at the facility. My low mood could be attributed to the recent “Blood Moon” appearance this week as well as the colder weather. Thankfully our instructor Gina was in a loud, bubbly mood this morning and a workout was exactly what I needed in order to lift my mental state up and feel better.

Today we did release number 106 which features the following tracks: Tell Me You Love Me by Galantis & Throttle, Walk On Water by Thirty Seconds to Mars, Tribes by Chase & Status and Revenge by Pink Feat. Eminem. I have to say that the soreness and burn didn’t really kick in for me until about half way through the workout when we started doing lunges, squats and squat pulses then push presses, power presses and push-ups. 

But it felt awesome being able to push through how challenging this release was and to know that everyone else in the room was feeling the same way. Laughing, having fun and enjoying whatever exercise your doing will always be an important aspect for me because otherwise what’s the point of it? http://w3.lesmills.com/israel/en/classes/bodypump/music-tracklists/ 

“One foot in front of the other babe. One breath leads to another yeah. Just keep moving, oh. Look within for the strength today. Listen out for the voice to say. Just keep moving, oh... So my love, keep on running. You gotta get through today, yeah. There my love, keep on running. Gotta keep those tears at bay, oh. Oh, my love, don't stop burning. Gonna send them up in flames. In flames.” David Guetta & Sia - Flames (2018) 

“Drowning in the static of a thousand whispered doubts. I need to break the silence before my oxygen runs out. So can you hear me?. "Can you hear me?". As I call in to this dark and lonely. Passage, am I getting it through? Because all I want to do is get a message from me to you.” Evermore - Can You Hear Me? (2009)