#I love Final Fantasy an unhealthy amount

[achillean-knight]

So uhhhhhh It's no secret that I really REALLY love the Final Fantasy franchise (it's my favourite video game series of all time), so you KNOW I got the FF6 Reference in Undertale sooooo---- uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh------- Final Fantasy 6 opera scene Mettaton sprites anyone? UHYGDSHDS I GOT REALLY BORED OK?

For anyone who doesn't know the opera scene, here's both Final Fantasy 6 and Mettaton's HJGHDGFSDH I am not normal about this LMAO

it's so good, I love them both so dearly aaaa

[haunted-xander]

Do you ever think about how Alisaie's biggest fear is losing the people she cares about? How the very first conversation you have with her alone, a deeply personal one, is about her confiding in you about those fears? Telling you that she hated the state of the world Louisoix died for because, to her, it wasn't worth the sacrifice? She tells you about all the allies she made and lost, who she watched die and could do nothing to save them.

Do you ever think about how Alisaie was consistently one of the first to act, to recklessly throw herself at danger throughout stb? She didn't care (as much) about herself getting hurt, but she'd be damned if she let her friends suffer without doing anything. She has to be fast and proactive, because if she can't protect them even when striking first, how would she be able to when acting after the fact?

Do you ever think about how every time her loved ones are in peril/are in risk of being in peril her heart just breaks? How whenever someone's safety is unsure she panics and immediately tries to contact them/rush to their aid? When Castrum Abania's cannon shot the tower that, for all she knew, Alphinaud was still in, she immediately stops what she's doing and runs to it in panic because her brother was in there and he might be dead.

Do you ever think about how when the Scions start getting their souls yanked to the First, Alisaie reacts the strongest? How, when Urianger and Y'shtola got taken, she fell to her knees shaking Uriangers body, screaming for him to wake up? And when Gaius appears with Alphinaud in the Burn, she immediately goes to fight him (before being stopped by Hien) because this man, who has been her enemy, is holding her brother's lifeless body. She doesn't care that she can't possibily beat him, he has her brother and she's already lost so much in such a short amount of time. She's lost Thancred, Y'shtola and Urianger already, she can't lose Alphinaud too.

Do you ever think about how you are the only one she can fully rely on at that time, but who is also at risk of being taken away? Of how she's so desperate for you to stay, to not be taken away, that Alisaie, who, for all her bluntness, prefers to rely on herself first and foremost, begs you not to leave her? She begs you. Alisaie does not beg. She yells at you to not do something, and she'll scold you to hell and back if you do it anyway, but she does not beg. But this time she did.

And then she ends up being taken away right in front of you. She cries out for help and uses her very last energy to reach out for you. And then she falls limp.

Do you ever think about how, when Alphinaud turns to tell her his plans at the end of Ultima Thule, she immediately rejects it without even letting him say it? She's lost so much and experienced so much grief, not only overall but also just in Ultima Thule. And she loathes to bring that grief onto another. Especially to one who has already lost so much, like you. She hates it. She ends up doing it, yes, but she hates it still.

DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT-

[sebsxphia]

Help I have a thot so rotten I need professional help.

Rhett is working and you rile him up - so.far so usual. At one point he snaps and ties you to a breeding stand and then proceed to mount you. All the while snarling how your going to be breed like an animal in heat when you act like one. No amount of pleading and begging will help you

￫ a/n: lemme fucking tell you something anon. i got this. read it. and was in shock for the next ten minutes. i love this so so so much it’s unhealthy 😵‍💫 welp! we’re going down!

￫ c/w: rhett using derogatory language towards the reader, comparing you to an animal in heat, rhett being mean and degrading to you, cnc, p in v, daddy kink, manhandling you, what’s in the ask is what you’re gonna get.

you’re both working in the barn through the afternoon, moving hay and other supplies, cleaning out the horses and keeping the rest of the livestock in check. the humid summer heat has past it’s highest point since midday, but you’re both still struggling through the heat. it’s unbearably hot inside your stuffy barn and understandably, you’re both agitated.

every so often when you pass by rhett, you squeeze at his bulging biceps or at his crotch that’s already supporting a semi from your heated touches. he lets out a low grumble the fifth time you pass him by and you mock pout at him.

“what is it, daddy?” you elongate the last part of your wording with a flirtatious touch and bat your eyelashes teasingly at him.

rhett’s jaw is set firm as he scowls at you. his eyebrows are knitted tightly together in frustration as he bites back at you. “quit it. you’re actin’ like a fuckin’ whore right now and it ain’t helping.”

“but, daddy—” you whine out again, but rhett is there to cut you off instantly.

“enough. fuckin’ help me finish this and maybe, i’ll be nice to y’ later.”

his tone is firm and unwavering, and you should know better than to push him, but you excuse the heat for your lack of better judgement.

“fuckin’ fine. i’m goin’ inside and finishing myself off, somethin’ you can’t do.”

that snaps the final cord of patience that rhett has inside of him for you. he’s quick to grab at your forearm with a bruising grip as you leave the barn. you yelp out and struggle against him as he manhandles you, pushing you closer to a corner of the barn. it overwhelms you how strong he can be. your thrashing is no use.

your eyes are wide when you see him dragging you closer to a breeding stand, yet you feel the inside of your stomach somersault at the prospect of what rhett is suggesting. you still go along with it however, pleading with desperation as he ties you to the breeding stand.

“r-rhett? what are you fuckin’ doin’?!” you land with a final thud as rhett pushes your neck down to rest on the head stand that would be used for animals. you’re bent over and on all fours, with your feet teetering and scraping along the hay covered floor. your dress is flipped over your ass and you feel rhett’s hot and calloused fingers hook inside your underwear and tear them completely from your frame.

“if you’re gon’ act like an animal in heat,” rhett’s voice behind you is an ugly snarl, his teeth biting at one another. “i’m goin’ to be breedin’ you like an animal in heat.”

you hear his belt buckle clang against itself before a harsh smack is delivered to your exposed ass and the backs of your thighs. in reaction, you let out a cry that ends with an embarrassing moan. you hate yourself for being so incredibly aroused by this, but you don’t hate yourself for playing into his fucked up little fantasy.

his hands grip tightly at the flesh of your hips as he mounts you like an animal himself. you let out another pleading moan as you feel his tip push through your folds.

“rhett! please, please—” you’re begging and pleading with him, but you don’t know what for.

another curt smack is issued to your ass as he stuffs himself full inside of you. “animals in heat don’t get a say in this, quit your whinin’ or i’ll stuff your mouth with a horse bit.”

[sunnychuuya]

Hiii

☆ You can call me Luna or any variation of my username, ig smth else if u rlly want I'm not picky

☆ he/it pronouns :3

☆ so much of this is reblogs I'm srry this rlly needs to be more organized- but I also post some of my art, and random shit I thought of

☆ I am genderfluid&trans (idk bro gender is hard af..) and bi

☆ I am in an unhealthy amount of Fandoms. I've seen over 100 anime read so many books played a ton of games like pls help if ur curious if I've seen smth just ask

☆matching with @mypinterestgotbannedsoimherenow cuz we silly like that

Current games I'm playing

☆ Final Fantasy 7 Remake (no spoilers)

☆ Persona 5 Royal (no spoilers)

☆ Omori (spoilers r fine)

☆ danganronpa 2 (no spoilers)

☆ Jedi fallen order :3 (no spoilers)

Current main fandoms (I'll add more later I'm sleepy rn I saw someone else do a cool thing where they listed a Fandom for each letter so yea)

JUST FINISHED SALLY FACE RAGHHHH

☆ jujutsu kaisen I've read through v0-v19 I'd say no spoilers but I know how this Fandom is

☆ Bungo stray dogs, I read the manga monthly so anything is fine

☆ watching banana fish rn, no spoilers I'm on ep 3

☆ saiki k is my comfort anime I love it sm

☆ Heaven officials blessing oh my goddd love it, finished book one no spoilers pls

Tags

#Luna attempts art ~ gee I wonder maybe my art lol

#Luna cosplays shit ~ this will also just include any updates on my cosplays! I'll mainly be posting pictures of my sal cosplay cuz I can't reveal my face :p

my spoopify 👍 all my own playlists and every playlist I have liked is on there

Interactions r always welcome :3

love my mutuals fr ♡

~cafekitsune made the Lil divider thing

[atom-writings]

hiii may i request leon kennedy x gn!reader whos shorter than him and an overall timid person?

(Leon Kennedy X Reader) Short, Shy S/O!

(Gender Neutral) Headcanons ~ A/N SORRY GUYS THIS ONE IS GETTING COMPLETED IMMEDIATELY BCS THIS MAN OWNS ME RIGHT NOW GOOD LORD

Trigger Warning: Leon is a kind of unhealthy person but that's it.

Leon would be a bit nervous to start a relationship with someone who comes off as so fragile. It seems like everyone around him is destroyed or killed in some way, and imagining that happening to you… god, he can’t let that happen. You’re so innocent. Too innocent. Not the type of person that belongs with him. You deserve better.

And because of those horrible thoughts, you’re unfortunately gonna have to make the first move. Horrible, right? He may be confident around everyone else, but you make him so goddamn nervous. The thought of pulling your pretty little face up to meet his, finally giving into what his body desperately wants… it’s a thought that plagues his mind. And if you wait long enough, he might just have to live out that fantasy. Even though he’s gonna try to avoid you for as long as possible afterwards.

But once you’ve worked it out, and he’s finally gotten over his anxiety surrounding you, he’s a great boyfriend. He’s already protective of everyone close to him, but with you, it’s kicked up to another degree. Even on days when he struggles to get out of bed, he asks to accompany you everywhere. Seriously, you’d think that the shy one in the relationship would be more clingy, but nope. Not with Leon.

It gets like… really annoying. He’s obsessed with keeping you safe, at any cost. But it’s like… his trauma response is projected onto you. Anything that goes wrong is gonna get solved pretty quickly by him, regardless of whether you want him to do so or not. 

Even if you ask him to stop, it’s always gonna be in the back of his mind. But that’s not to say he can’t back off. He absolutely can! He’s so obsessed with protecting your feelings, once you tell him HE’S the one stressing you out, he’ll stop (and his heart will break a little.)

Oh yeah, and he’s totally the type of guy to purposely put things up too high for you. Hearing you ask for his help opening a jar he closed too tight gives him a strangely large amount of joy. But he really just likes being useful.

 Everything in his life has been so harsh and so horrible, but you’re a light in the dark. Whenever you stutter or struggle to speak up, he can’t help but melt. Even your more “””annoying””” shy traits do nothing but make him love you more.

If you ever wanna leave somewhere early, he’s completely ready to head out too. If you don’t wanna hang out with anyone except him and like one other person, he’s cool with doing the same. Even stuff like ordering food for you, he has no problem with. He’s really just glad you’re satisfied with such a low-key life. After everything that’s happened… all he needs is domesticity.

Someone so withdrawn with someone so brash… who would’ve guessed how well it’d work?

[wordlesslyjenneh]

Hi Tumblr! I saw pinned posts going around and wanted to do my own 😊

I’m Jenny and I’m a huge Final Fantasy IV nerd. I write fanfic and record podfics. You can find me under the username jenneh in most places. I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about FFIV, but I seem to be in good company.

If fanfic/podfics are your thing, check out my work! I have everything from drabble collections to long novel length epics. I write mostly M rated genfic, with dark and heavy themes. My current WIP is Theme of Love, a story that follows Kain through childhood and the game’s events. You can find me at: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenneh

If you see me in the wild on discord, twitter, or anywhere else, feel free to say hi! I’m always happy to talk about writing, FFIV, and gaming in general.

[planckstorytime]

Final Fantasy VII Rebirth: A World Beyond Anger (Part One)

“A confluence of worlds… and emotions. Loss, chief among them. It engulfs fleeting moments of joy, transforming them into rage, sadness, hatred.”

– Sephiroth, Final Fantasy VII Rebirth (2024), speaking to me, specifically

*The following contains spoilers*

I. Memoirs of a Neurotic Fan

Hoo boy.

It’s been a long four years since Final Fantasy VII Remake (2020) released, and I don’t think I have ever before devoted so much emotional energy to deciphering how I truly feel about a piece of media. Initially, I enjoyed my return to a reimagined world of lovable characters, but unfavorable writing choices and a mind-boggling finale left me feeling torn. Despite striving to maintain an optimistic outlook at the end of my previous essay, my perspective on the game only darkened as the years wore on. Developer interviews constantly oscillated back and forth as to whether they would remain faithful to the original FF7 (1997), or, as the ending of Remake indicated, strike out on a brand new “unknown journey.” That’s not to mention the downright radioactive discourse among fans, combined with the litany of harassing messages I received for the most tepid criticisms.

Eventually, I grew to despise Remake. The positive emotions and ecstatic love I had for parts of the game sunk beneath my waves of ire toward its creative divergences – as well as what they represented to me. And I fed that hate. I hated its ponderous navel-gazing about the nature of adaptations. I hated its self-congratulatory insinuation that asinine story decisions like the “Baby’s-First-Metacommentary” Whispers and the resurrection of multiple deceased characters somehow constituted “bold” storytelling. I hated the uncritical portion of certain audiences that fell for this illusion of transgressive storytelling, all the while embracing a game that went out of its way to barrage the player with fanservice and puerile pandering. I hated the frequent argumentation that “it’s not a remake, it’s a sequel” was somehow seen as a mitigating factor, when it actually further aggravated my problems with it. I hated Remake’s emphasis on novelty, its subversion without meaning, its arrogant alienation of new audiences that wanted to experience a classic story, and its implicitly cynical view on thousands of years of storytelling tradition for the sake of “surprise.” To quote director Naoki Hamaguchi:

“When you try to remake a game and make it an entertaining game, having the exact storyline as the original would lack the excitement and surprise. I was looking for an essence to add to the story, and Zack was chosen to be this essence because in the original, there wasn’t much story about Zack, but in Crisis Core, he had a huge character development.”

But that lonely ember of hope persisted; after all, I had loved Remake at one point. I hated that stubborn attachment most of all. By the time Rebirth was fully unveiled, I wanted only one thing from it: to repulse me to my core, to be something so egregiously offensive to my sensibilities that I could never associate the project with anything positive again. “Perhaps if things get stupid enough,” I thought, “others will also see the emperor’s nakedness.” Pain and despair morphed into objects of desire for me. They were my keys to escaping these contradictory feelings of love and hate.

As you can see, I am quite well-adjusted and able to engage with art in a healthy way.

Silly feelings, right? I totally agree, but I can’t deny that’s how it played out. I realized that I was allocating an unhealthy amount of energy into something that made me feel bad, but I felt powerless to stop it. I kept picking at that scab. It itched insatiably. Surely, I must be justified, right? After all, Square Enix was clearly in the wrong! They wasted a golden opportunity to modernize a legendary piece of interactive fiction with massive talent and money behind it! They marketed a crappy predatory gacha game as “another opportunity” for a more faithful remake! They ran a crappier battle royale game into the ground in just a year! They sold energy-sucking NFTs as a package deal with cool figures of eco-terrorists! If I stewed in my anger enough, perhaps the multi-million dollar company would realize the error of its ways! It seemed that the very future of the artistic medium hung in the balance, and I was determined to be on the right side of history.

In truth, I don’t think the magnitude of my displeasure can be attributed entirely to my gripes with Square (though I stand by my criticisms). Rather, the intense response resulted from the emotional displacement of a lot of personal trauma and grief that plagued me for years. Ironically, there are few things more definitively “Final Fantasy VII” than that. Those negative emotions needed somewhere to go, but they just got caught in a feedback loop where bitterness and pain became both the motivator and the end goal.

All of these notions turned out to be eerily relevant to the narrative of Rebirth. Or perhaps my narcissistic ass couldn’t help but see my darker self in the black reflection of a 4K TV. Grab your cigars, folks, because you can bet we’re getting psychoanalytical today.

I dreaded it for so long, but I’m glad that I tried out Rebirth. To my surprise, I did not hate it – at least, not completely. I first engaged with it in Lizard Brain mode, doing my damnedest to just let it happen. I tried not to let my nitpicking get the better of me and ruin my enjoyment. Cautiously, I opened my heart to the series again. In many ways, it continues to frustrate and disappoint me, but I had something of an epiphany upon finishing it. I will elaborate on that in due time. First, I need to share my thoughts, criticisms, and interpretations of the story, as they are all critical to my personal reconciliation.

If you have the patience, please listen to my story about how I (possibly) stumbled onto a path of spiritual enlightenment through examining my feelings on a dumb anime game.

“Glimpses of Moksha in a cycle of Saṃsāra” by Crawfish Comic FULL ESSAY: https://planckstorytime.wordpress.com/2024/05/11/final-fantasy-vii-rebirth-a-world-beyond-anger/

[samatheia229]

Gateway Fic or Ruining of Canon?: The Double-Edged Sword of Reading Fanfiction Without Knowing the Source Material

One thing you should know about me is this: I love Outsider POVs an unhealthy amount. I have a separate tab open for this specific tag on my browser and I obsessively reload it every few hours. There’s just something about them that uniquely tickles my brain in a way that other kinds of fics don’t. Maybe it’s some sense of schadenfreude, reading from this out-of-the-loop perspective while we, the readers, are in the know. The feeling of “I know something that you don’t.” Maybe it’s getting to see our favourite characters from a fresh perspective. 

In DC comic Outsider POVs, specifically Batman ones, we get to see what Gotham thinks of their resident vigilantes and how the Bats’ dynamics with each other looks like to an outsider, who doesn’t know the full extent of the intricacies of their relationships. 

There are a lot of reasons why I enjoy Outsider POVs, one of which is the main point of this post.

PART I: GATEWAY FIC

I really do owe it to the POV Outsider tag. Because of it, I have been introduced to so many new fandoms. They've been either the final push I needed to get into fandoms that I knew of but was never really interested in or blindside me and pull me into a new fandom entirely. 

Reading spooky eldritch Danny POVs finally got me into Danny Phantom. One bored scroll and random click introduced me to ROTTMNT, a new favourite of mine (as a Disney kid who grew up with 2012 airing and disliked it, suffice to say Rise's magic and vibrant art was what drew me in). I read a Julie and the Phantoms Outsider POV fic out of curiosity, which made me look it up, and the phenomenal music was the final nail in the coffin. (Please do yourself a favour and listen to the soundtrack.) The onslaught of Good Omens fics flooding the tag following the release of S2, not that I knew it at the time, prompted me to check it out, and lo’ and behold, I am waiting for S3 and praying for my cottagecore-husbands happy ending. Reading a social media AU for Red, White and Royal Blue pushed me to finally buy the book. 

They’ve also gotten me back into fandoms. I fell in love with ATLA again after reading a fic about the palace staff’s opinions on Fire Lord Zuko during the start of his reign; I got back into Assassination Classroom and Haikyuu because of delightful outsider fics. I also started reading Miraculous Ladybug fics again after dropping the whole thing mid-S3, which was a nice full-circle moment since MLB is what got me into fanfic in the first place.

The point is, Outsider POVs have been my gateway into a lot of amazing fandoms that I would not have otherwise checked out and my way back into fandoms that I haven’t been in for a while. 

However, reading fanfiction without knowing the source material can be a double-edged sword. And as of last month, I finally cut myself with it. 

PART II: RUINING OF CANON

Fanfiction is never really an accurate portrayal of canon. By very definition, it cannot be and it seldom is. Fanfiction has a warped lens — characters, their dynamics and the worlds in which they inhabit are written based on an author’s interpretation of the source material. Most fanfic authors actively try to change the source material when they find a part of it lacking or unsatisfactory. That’s the point of fanfiction. Fanfiction exists to explore the infinite possibilities of worlds that could have been, of timelines that never came to pass, of relationships that could have been forged and nurtured but never were. 

But what happens when you, as a reader, are exposed to fanon first? What happens when you end up liking fanon more than canon? 

The short answer: Disappointment and a smaller bank account.

The long answer: You could say that I had it coming. I never really liked dark fantasy, but I love every Six of Crows fanfic I’ve read so I finally decided to read the books. But, gods, I am struggling. And it sucks so much because I do love the characters and Ketterdam and the Suicide Squad-like concept. I can read fanfic for 5 hours straight but barely make my way through a single chapter. I tried switching to another book and coming back to it and still, I trudge through it. It’s terrible. Have I fallen for a romanticised, fanon version of SoC that delivers the found family of criminals that I was promised? Do the books not have that vibe and that’s why I can’t get into them, because I’ve been riding on false expectations?

This is a first for me. I have no issues with spoilers and such because I still enjoy knowing how we got to that point as much as I enjoy going in blindly. I learned the entirety of BNHA via osmosis by reading fanfiction but I still liked the anime when I watched it. Similarly, I read PJO fanfiction long before I read the series, and I still had a delightful time reading Percy's adventures. The fact that I’m not experiencing the same thing with SoC is truly, deeply upsetting. I’m still holding out hope since I'm already halfway through but I might have to DNF if this drags on for another month.

TLDR; There’s nothing wrong with reading fanfic of fandoms you’re not a part of. It might get you into it like the numerous times it did for me. But it could also end up with you liking the fics more than the source material. So, be warned, I guess. 

(Also, if someone has a solution to my SoC problem, do advise, please and thank you. DNF is a last resort.)

[stormblessed95]

My Top Reads of 2022

Not totally back yet for another day, so I'm posting about reading rather than BTS. lol feel free to skip over it if you'd rather! I just wanted to share some of my favorite reads of 2022. I read 159 books this year (24 of them during my tumblr break the last few weeks!), here are just a few that I loved! If you want more opinions over these or perhaps over books I didn't love as much, I'd be happy to talk more about them!

In no particular order:

He Who Fights with Monsters by Shirtaloon (5 stars):

Content warnings for violence, mentions of cannibalism and death

A LitRPG style fantasy novel that is both high stakes but Still light hearted at the same time. I loved seeing the mayhem happen and the characters grow. It left me so excited to see how the over arching story continued to evolve. Plus I loved the friend groups dynamics here too! It's a little unpolished and times, can be a little slow, told through a flashback. But I loved Jason for the most part and loved hearing his adventures. Super funny and enjoyable.

The Deepest of Secrets by Kelley Armstrong (5 stars)

Content warnings for murder, gun violence, animal attack and mentioned animal death, sexually explicit scenes

Book 7 and the final installment of the Rockton series, but with the promise of a spin off that makes my heart soar. I love this series an unhealthy amount. Amazing characters, amazing writing, fast paced, engaging, one of my all time favorite OTPs. Thriller novels that aren't terrifying but kept the suspense flowing the whole time too. Can't wait to see where Casey and Eric go next. Book 1 in the series is called City of the Lost.

One for All by Lillie Lainoff (4 stars)

Content warnings for ableism, SA, bullying, death of a parent, grief

I was so excited for this one! It was a little predictable and I honestly think it mightve been better If the romance was left behind all together. But the romance portion still wasn't bad. It was excellent for a debut novel. The representation for POTS here was amazing. I loved the strength in the MC, the friendships were all top tier and so sweet. I absolutely loved it! Especially well done for a debut novel too!

The Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater (3 - 5 stars through the books)

Trigger warnings, like ALOT of them. Full list can be found here

Had a billion friends begging me to read this one and I finally did! The author is the definition of why authors don't always belong in fandom spaces and is a bit of a mess, but I did enjoy these books! The first one started off super slow and was clearly a set up novel, but they just got better and better as they went. I wasn't a huge fan of her writing in other books, but it worked super well for this series. Massively character driven series and so much fun. The magic system was amazing. The friendship between Blue and the boys was top tier. I cried and I laughed and I had a blast. Not a huge fan of the ending, which felt like a bit of a cop out to me, but it didn't detract from my enjoyment enough to not still give it 5 stars at the end. Lol

Spy x Family Manga (4 - 5 stars)

Content warnings for violence, gun violence

This one was recommended by my sister snd I fell in love so fast. Lol I also then watched the anime after. Very slice of life cuteness, mixed with spy and assassin shenanigans. Chaos incarnate and adorable. The trails of parenthood were hysterical, especially as a parent myself too. Lol although I'm not mixing parenthood with Spy work 😂

Icebreaker by A.L. Graziadei (4 stars)

Content warnings for alcohol, blood, depression, suicidal ideation, homophobia, drugs, racism, sport related violence, sexually explicit scenes

Sports Hockey Romance mlm and so cute and so good! What a great representation for living with bad depression too. MC going through so much, but his relationship with his sisters is amazing, his budding relationship on his team is so good. Rivals to Lovers trope that's perfection too! I loved it so much! Fast and easy and fun to read and enjoyable every second!

She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker Chan (5 stars)

Content warnings for Ableism, Amputation, Castration, Death, Dysphoria, Homophobia, Misgendering, Murder (child) , Sexually Explicit scenes, starvation, torture (non-graphic), violence

This was INTENSE. But so freaking good. Historical meets fantasy. Mulan vibes, but way more grown up and based in more history. And it's queer. Fun, thought provoking, intense, and so well written too.

The Lost Metal by Brandon Sanderson (5 stars)

Content warnings for death and violence

This is the 7th book in the series and every book in it is AMAZING. Released this year and wow what an epic conclusion. I laughed and I sobbed and I loved every second. Binged it in a day. These covers are so ugly lol but the stories are so good. So thought provoking. Fast paced but every freaking word counts. Engrossing and amazing story telling. The intricate plot contentions through the entire cosmere had me feeling a conspiracy theorist in the best way

Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao (5 stars)

Content warnings for Misogyny & femicide, Rape mentioned, Physical & emotional abuse, Suicidal ideation, Alcoholism, Blood & gore depiction, Murder, Torture

This was so good!! So good! It could have used some more flushing out on the world building, magic system and character arcs, but overall I loved every second of it. It's giving me the morally Grey heroine and cast of characters I've always wanted. I loved that it set up with a fairly classic love triangle, but only to give us a bisexual polyship triangle! Badassery the whole way through too! Had me pretty consistently on the edge of my seat.

^the line to end love triangles with all efficiency lmfaoo had me rolling!

Happy New Year! For those who enjoy reading as much as I do too, I hope the new year brings you lots of new good books to read and enjoy!

[captain-astors]

7, 10, 16, 22, 26 for tokyo ghoul asks bc i like your thoughts

And I like yours! Thank you kindly, I enjoy the selection you’ve picked out. Lots of text under the cut.

7. Which character(s) do you dislike?

Torso, Tsuneyoshi, Kanou… I don’t really dislike anyone that isn’t a fairly standard “no thanks” for the fandom except for who I’ll include in the other 7 I recieved. 

10. Which character deserved more? Or was it more unfair? 

I’ve received two of these which is good because I have a few. I’m going to start with SHIKORAE GOOD GOD MY BOY WHY. I am a firm believer that he did nothing wrong. It's not his fault Kijima did this to him. He deserved another chance you hear me. He deserved to be loved. Healthily. No hate to the clowns, they're spectacular but their idea of affection is that it straight up isn’t real at best, and that it’s unattainable and only achievable in the form of violence and consumption at worst. I just want him somewhere he can live in relative peace alright. Also Kanae didn’t need to be treated quite that way, Eto didn’t need to die and be brought back just to die again, Tsukiyama didn’t deserve to never move past his unhealthy obsession and treated like a joke, and Touka didn’t need to be reduced to Cardboard Wife. 

16. Out of the millions of Kaneki personalities, which one is your favorite?

Haise! Sweet boy, single father making his way through the world and honestly not being half bad at it. Situation isn’t perfect but I like how he deals with things, genuinely looking for solutions without being afraid to speak up. I kind of wish he was his own character and the protagonist of the entirety of :re but you know people would’ve been furious. Also I love the texture and look of his hair. 240 is a favorite as well.

22. What's your opinion about the final? 

Of the first? A fun ride! It was a little difficult to follow but otherwise I enjoyed it. Of :Re? Who’s the :re finale? I don't know her.  Kidding mostly. It’s just such a rushed feeling thing, you’d think the clash between the main character and one of the strongest characters on the opposing side, (if not the strongest now that Arima’s dead and we have no way to really judge how strong Furuta is since Kaneki’s abilities get cranked up to a 1000) would have some gravity to it but no, it just flashes and whoops Kaneki lost. For once. Then he gets turned into a giant kakuja beast and kills hundreds of kids as well as countless civilians but of course we’re not going to have him suffer any repercussions, internal or external, or even address that because he wasn’t himself, he just wants to see Touka again. :(  Then he gets pulled out by the power of love, his aging problems are magically cured, he has suffered no physical disfigurement other than little eye marks, and inexplicably gains cross-shaped Kagune to smack Nimura into the afterlife. And after all that he’s a totally stable person who definitely isn’t going to be a bad spouse or parent despite the massive amounts of trauma he has! Because that makes sense! Regardless of how much you like Kaneki it just feels a little idealistic for him and overly uncaring for the other characters. That's why I like "The finale past the death of Nimu/Rize's destruction depending on what you like is Kaneki's fantasy of what could've been" theory.

26. If you could sacrifice any character to bring another back, who would it be?

I love Mirumo so much, but his existence is barely acknowledged past the extermination arc so he can go in exchange for

A. the death of the Tsukiyamas and the devastating effect it SHOULD have had on Shuu being acknowledged in such a way he perhaps even learns to start growing away from that sad blind devotion to Kaneki, B. Kanae. I just want them back. I don’t think it would necessarily improve anything I just miss them. Also if Seidou isn’t going to get any resolution ANYWAYS (I’m so mad about that and I don’t want him to die but I am a creature of efficiency) he could sacrifice himself in the finale in some grand gesture that actually gets him acknowledged, in exchange for Tatara and Houji getting more screentime and further development.

[angelwritess]

Writing Revenge...

Revenge is Complicated

Revenge as a motivation appears so often in fiction and is represented in a number of different ways. Sometimes it's the catalyst that starts the hero's journey but is swapped out for a 'greater good' sort of motive (think Spider-man or Batman), othertimes it's their whole motivation and the story ends with revenge being enacted. Sometimes justice and revenge are one in the same, other times they're contradictory ideals. Sometimes it involves murder (like in a sci-fi or fantasy setting) or it's bringing down an organisation who wronged the MC.

Revenge is Oddly Subjective

Ultimately, the way a writer portrays revenge tends to be grounded in the story's 'sense of morality'. Within the story itself, it's important to illustrate whether or not revenge is what our MC/MCs need. For example, let's take Punisher and Daredevil from Marvel's Netflix TV shows. In both shows, Punisher kills his enemies. But whether or not this is presented as wrong differs in each show because in one show, the MC is presented as someone who shouldn't kill whilst in the other, the MC can kill if need be. Each story carries it's own established moral rules and codes - if the MC in Daredevil killed someone, it would break those rules and the audience expects some sort of major development because of it. Your revenge plot and the way it ends and is presented should stay consistent with the moral rules established. Of course, the rules can change as the story progresses - a character's revenge may start as righteous, but develop into an unhealthy, destructive obsession they need to pull themselves out of.

Revenge as a Bad Thing

This seems to be the common route I see a lot. "This isn't you," "Would your [insert dead loved one] really want this?" "You're destroying yourself!" Some say its patronising, but I'll argue it can be great if done well. I'd recommend focusing on the following:

Revenge as an unhealthy obsession

Destruction of existing personal relationships that were previously healthy

Self-Destructive, Reckless behaviour

Negligence of one's own health

Doing things that would have been previously OOC / previous personality traits taken to the negative extreme

I.e. skeptical and cautious -> not trusting anyone and doubting everyone's intentions

There will be no satisfaction in taking revenge (more bad done than good)

Emphasise the fact that revenge has caused a negative change in the character's mental, physical or emotional state.

Revenge as a Good Thing

This one is less common but honestly I find it far more fun. Why forgive the person who killed your family or your pet or your town? Why just put them in prison? It can be absolutely satisfying if done right. I'd recommend focusing on:

Satisfactory elements of taking revenge

The bad deeds of the one who deserves it and a suitable punishment (maybe don't kill the guy who tripped you up one time)

Showcase how the character is not suffering as a consequence of seeking revenge or how they manage themselves through potential struggles

Revenge may be the only way for the MC to move on or is the only option left at this point in the story

Allow other characters to sympathise with the character and motive for revenge

Avoid presenting revenge as morally dubious or wrong, focus not on the specific morality of the revenge but the path to accomplishing it

REMEMBER that revenge is not causing an overall negative change in the character

Revenge is Bad: Roy Mustang from FMA:B

SPOILERS

Interestingly, saying the show presents Mustang's desire for revenge as bad is misleading. Mustang's motivation for four seasons has been avenging his best friend by killing their killer (Envy, a homunculus). When he finally finds Envy, there's a huge amount of emphasis put on how Mustang KNOWS killing Envy won't bring his friend back but he doesn't care. The show has a theme of hatred and its corrupting effects, and although the characters acknowledge that Envy has to die, Mustang can't be the one to kill them, unless he wants to become the very thing he hates - an embodiment of hate. It takes the MC, a former villain and his right-hand to convince him to stop. Mustang calms down and doesn't deliver the final blow, and Envy subsequently kills themselves.

Revenge is Good: Vincenzo Cassano from Vincenzo

SPOILERS

At the start of the show, the company known as Babel is responsible for the death of a close friend of Vincenzo's and he (and the daughter of that friend) plan to bring the company down, but he promises the daughter to not kill anyone. However, things change once Babel kills Vincenzo's sick mother, at which point the former Mafia Consigliere goes out of his way to plan and execute the most painful and humiliating death for those in charge of Babel. Vincenzo isn't condemned for his actions and both the characters and audience find Vincenzo's actions justified as the show highlights the bad deeds of Babel and how the law will never be enough to stop them. Killing them feels like both the only real and satisfactory way to stop them.

Revenge can change: Yoon Jiwoo from My Name

SPOILERS

Jiwoo's father, a gangster, is killed at her doorstep and she seeks out her father's killer by joining his old gang and infiltrating the police. She is determined to kill her father's killer, and whilst the show does present her initial conflicts after killing someone who got in her way, she eventually steels herself. It's revealed that it was actually the gang's leader, her mentor, that killed her father and then she's out for blood. But her love interest, Pildo, convinces her to instead confess everything to the police and allow them to take him in. But then the leader kills Pildo, and Jiwoo decides enough is enough and finally kills him, triumphantly honoring her father and Pildo at a cemetery as the show ends. The show goes from showing revenge as grey, to condemning revenge via murder, to seemingly portraying revenge as the only thing that can bring satisfaction and happiness to Jiwoo.

Ending Thoughts

Your audience will still normally want to see justice be served - just because your MC may give up on killing the target of their revenge or exposing their deep dark secret to the world doesn't mean justice still can't be achieved. Maybe the target ends up in prison, maybe the MC focuses on building themselves up rather than tearing someone down. Regardless of whether or not the conclusion in your story is "revenge good/bad", it's still worth giving your characters and the audience some form of satisfying conclusion.

[du04]

Intro / 2023 Wrap-Up

Hello! Welcome to the Very First post on this blog. I’m thrilled to find you here :)

My name on here is Marcks and I run this blog, DU4. I’m in my early 20s and I love the web, culture & art, animals & nature, and comfy oversized t-shirts. Nice to meet you!

This blog is… I don’t fully know. But what I do know is that I want this space to feature Personal Cultural Wrap-Ups. Essentially, an opportunity for me to share my thoughts on what I’ve been reading, watching, and listening to (among other things) each month.

Even though this blog springs out of a need for a personal outlet, I hope that if you stumble upon it, you find something interesting to leave it with.

Since this is the burgeoning of this blog, I thought it would be nice and timely to start with a condensed review of the year 2023. Hopefully, it gives you a global idea of what to expect in terms of content.

As there is a lot to unpack, I haven’t explained in great detail the content of each medium or what I thought of it, but I have hyperlinked them to other sources if you want to find out more (which I highly encourage you to do, naturally).

Now, before we jump into the fun stuff, I’d like to tell you: Feel free to share your thoughts, recommendations, and own experiences in the comments. I would love to read them.

Books

Starting off with the reading section.

This year 2023 I read 28 books (including 4 audiobooks) across 6751 pages and 39.18 hours, which exceeded my set goal of 24 books by 4 books :p

I find this graph rather funny… Up and Down, rather representative of my mood swings.

My top 3 most-read genres were: 1. Fantasy 2. Mystery 3. Literary. In my mind, I would actually have reversed that order, fantasy here is out of the blue as I didn’t read any in 2022 and barely any before!

My average read’s length was 265 pages, and it took me around 17 days to finish each book. My average rating was 3.1 stars.

The longest book I read was In Ascension by Martin MacInnes with 512 pages. It was also my favourite due to its emotional impact and how I connected with its core philosophy and ideas about science, evolution, and the cycle of life on a macro and micro level.

Other highlights of the year for me were: The Vintner’s Luck by Elizabeth Knox, a beautifully written novel that tells the story of a vintner who forms a relationship with an angel; Pizza Girl by Jean Kyoung Frazier, which follows a pregnant teenage Loser as she grapples with her unhealthy crush on an older woman; and Nettle & Bone by T. Kingfisher, a fun and imaginative dark fairy tale.

Compared to 2022, I read 33% more books and 14% more pages.

Reading experience pie chart & Pace of the books I read

I’m not a fan of science fiction at all, but I loved In Ascension so much, and it was my only SF read of the year, so it skewed the data.

And finally, here are all of my 2023 reads at a glance:

I also joined an open-ended challenge in November, to read a book taking place in every European country: A Literary Map of Europe, that I will most certainly do some progress on in 2024.

Films

I’ve watched a lot fewer movies this year than in the previous years, which is sort of sad, but also means that I’ve prioritised other things. In a way, I’ve also had this latent feeling that I’ve watched every film that I possibly could love, ever, which definitely contributed to this unintentional hiatus.

It’s one of my New Year’s resolutions to get ‘back to my roots’ in terms of film watching, and thanks to this blog I will most certainly keep up with it.

Out of the 24 movies I watched, the first one I’ve seen this year, and my favourite was The Fabelmans (4.5 stars). Others I’ve enjoyed were Whiplash (4.5) and Pig (4.0).

Series

This year was rather ordinary in terms of series, I watched a usual amount of them.

Highlights: Succession’s final season 😩!!! (billionaire corporate family drama), The Durrells (wholesome vintage comedy), Good Omens Season 2 (fantasy comedy adventure), Evil (fantasy comedy mystery) and Gilmore Girls (quirky wholesome comedy).

Others: The Last Of Us (post-apocalyptic action-adventure drama); WeCrashed (corporate drama based on WeWork); Mare of Easttown (small-town mystery-crime drama). They were all enjoyable.

I also started All Creatures Great & Small end of December (another wholesome vintage comedy) and found the first 4 episodes enjoyable.

Videos

10 Things Succession’s Jeremy Strong Can’t Live Without by GQ. You've probably already seen this type of video before, and understandably think this one would be just another typical “talk about myself some more and think I’m an interesting person” one. It's not, or not really. Jeremy Strong is genuinely such an interesting person, and he elaborates on each item with such profound emotional depth and intellectual insight, that I was in awe. Loved learning about his life and mind. This video converted me! Mr Strong, please write a book. https://youtu.be/AYCAT5jpXKU

How Bisexuality Changed Video Games. An enlightening video on the ‘bisexual mechanic’ which explores what actual bisexuality in video-games is. A new favourite channel. https://youtu.be/iZGkxUTbDqw

Games

I didn’t watch as many movies as I usually do this year, but I made up for it by doing a lot of gaming! Thanks to finally having an external monitor.

My top games of the year were Disco Elysium, a dark and gritty text-heavy detective RPG with a deeply interesting world and mystery; Death Stranding, a walking and delivery ‘simulator’ with stunning graphics and an engaging storyline, and The Forgotten City, a mystery detective game with a unique time-travelling mechanic set in an ancient Rome context.

When I wasn’t playing these more intense games, I found Powerwash Simulator to be a great alternative to House Flipper that I used to play while I listened to podcasts.

With friends, I played Civ 6, Valheim, and a lot of Monopoly :)

Music

This year I listened to a lot of Radiohead, Alex G, Elliott Smith, Fleetwood Mac, and Elton John.

New artists I discovered this year that I loved were Nicholas Brittell (thanks to Succession ending), Panchiko, Emile Mosseri, and Black Country, New Road (I learned about them from a co-worker, who I still haven’t told I listened to and enjoyed them lol.)

Obligatory Spotify Wrapped.

Regarding this Wrapped it seems I have strayed from my usual “vibes”, which makes me want to revisit my older playlists. Also, in my opinion, Elliott Smith should have been ranked fifth instead of Max Richter.

I would also like to mention “I’m your man” by Mitski as being an incredible song that came out of this year.

Podcasts

My top podcast of the year was Heavyweight. After listening to all the episodes of Dear Sugars, and having fallen head over heels for it, I craved something in the same vein and Heavyweight was one of the top recommendations. It is an amazing podcast, emotional, heartfelt, funny, and brilliantly led by Jonathan Goldstein. It has easily become one of my favourite podcasts and I hope that the ‘final’ season that’s to come, isn’t really the end (which I have a feeling it probably won’t be).

Misc

This is the section that is not so culturally relevant, where I blabber about a couple of random, mundane things I enjoyed.

Buys

This year, I wasted some money, but this isn’t what this is about (we don’t talk about this). On the contrary, this section is to make me feel better about having bought nice things that I love, and are definitely worth it to buy with my limited capital 🙂

The Sony Wh-720, a headset that I am very happy about. I bought it as it was described as being very comfortable, and I wanted to be able to have headphones on for a long period of time without my ears hurting. It definitely lives up to that, and as a plus, I can listen to Thom Yorke moan in my ears in HD. 👍 Highly recommand.

An acoustic guitar, my very first, a Harley Benton D-120CE BK. I’m the farthest thing from being a pro, but IMO it’s a lovely quality 😌.

and with a beautiful strap.

Storygraph Plus: Mainly bought as I love this website and wish for it to keep existing, but the couple of extra features (stats & recs) are a nice touch.

Lego orchid to decorate my office desk: I had no idea Legos were actually fun, shame they’re so expensive and to my usage, single-use/one-time build.

A digital camera, a Canon Powershot 710HS. I’ve been wanting better quality pictures, and I enjoy the use of a dedicated object that liberates me from having to use my phone.

4 posters that I love very much:

Life

And onto the final section of this post. We’re getting personal here, and I’m getting short of inappropriately open.

In 2023, I left the country I had been previously living in, to go live in a completely new one (not so willingly), to start my very first indefinite (on paper), full-time job. Crazy! I have left the academic prison to join the shackles of the workforce!

But, really, it was one of the best years in years for me, I stopped being sad all the time, and a couple of bad habits; I developed better relationships, I got more involved and consistent in my hobbies, and apart from a noisy boiler that ruined the mood of the first half of the year and life altering moments and questions in the second half, it was, indeed, a good year.

I apprehend 2024 a bit, as I know little will change for most of the year. I have dreams of travelling and moving far, far away but know that, realistically, this won’t happen before 2025.

So, 2024 will be a ‘transition year’. I still hope that I can make something nice out of it. Running this blog already feels like a good step.

Gallery

And here are a couple pictures I took this year (and feel comfortable sharing).

A few resolutions for the year to come

Watch more films

Play guitar weekly

Laugh more

Days away from the digital world

Opening the windows to let in fresh air even if it’s cold out

Speaking with intent

Not letting the past weigh me down in my way forward

Daily movement

And finally, write for this blog.

If you’ve read this far, I hope you enjoyed this humble first post, and noted down a few things you found interesting and would like to experience yourself! If you did, once again, please feel free to let me know in the comments <3

I’ll see you in the next one, whatever it is.

[cas-blog-hanl]

Creativity - Character creation through DND pt 2 - creating the characters

With all the information I now had it was finally to put it to use.

[ Alaine had not know what her life before the Academy was. Her earliest memories are of running around and pretending to cast random spells at the older kids, some of which would play into her fantasy and act out the appropriate reaction to the spells. 

Master Garlan had been then one to take her in into the academy. He told her that her parents - her mother, a highly regarded warlock, who came from royal elven blood and her father, an admired mage, who had escaped his dark Drow-ish ways in the name of what is right - had been killed right after her birth. Master Garlan, an apparent close friend of the couple, had taken it as his duty to take care of the small child they had left behind. 

Alaine had liked her childhood, no matter the amount of people who told her how unhealthy it was. She had begun training at age 48, taking classes and reading books, quickly jumping up the ranks. Most elves don’t choose their paths until they’re at least 85. Most elves aren’t forced to learn and learn and learn from sunrise to sunset every single days of their lives. Most elves have friends, most elves have freedom. But most elves do not possess the skills, proficiency and experience that Alaine possess. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made. 

Alaine was a very intelligent and admired elf. Immediately after graduating the academy - 20 years earlier than most - she had become a teacher herself. Her students may have been younger than her but they could respect just how good she was. And she took pride in her magic. 

Her charisma, however, and physical strength may not be as high as she would like. Most students have always made fun of how literal she took everything to and how her words would jumble into incomprehensive nonsense whether she talked about anything other than magic. They also made fun of her skinny posture and physical weakness, which would mean that any object needing to be carried would have to be done by someone other than her. All in good fun however, as the same students had become her friends. Her students loved her and she loved them back, because teaching the thing that had become her whole life, sharing this knowledge, was her favourite thing to do. 

Now, the Academy stands in ruins before her. The sky, as if acknowledging her mourning, was the same shade of grey as her skin was. ]

June

[acrylicgummybears]

my last low vibrational complaining rant

so, since getting my new job opportunity, which i'm really happy about. the opportunity to make really damn good money and launch me into whatever i want to do with my life (finally).

but i have just 15 more days until the start date, so i'm waiting these 2 more weeks.

and i'm just, it's amazing how much my parents have tried to hold me back it's truly freaking amazing. they've done the absolute *least* and made the absolute *least* amount of concessions or, compromise or, what have you like they extend me nothing, no grace, no.... what do you call it when they make arrangements for you or space for you. there's a word for that but it just slipped my mind.

anyway, lol. they've done all of that for my sister, but not for me, not ever. i've always been treated like an after thought and my therapist described it perfectly she said i am the scape goat of my dysfunctional family dynamic and its a really unhealthy position to be in.

whats crazy is i've brought all this truth to light and, they still don't care. like, no changes were made, even as they watched me suffer and be crushed under the weight of, how they treat me, they had no empathy for my pain and everything i went through, and didn't bat an eyelash at, how much it affected me, my life, and held me back from thriving and living a healthy optimal life.

they don't value my talents, or abilities, they dont' want to hear my ideas, or hear me speak. there is no room for me, in the home, physically even. no seat for me at the table, no food for me in the fridge.

if i ask for anything, i mean, the simplest of questions, or try to discuss anything i'm thinking, it's immediately met with, i'm just berrated with their, unruly control, and they use money and their own emotions to keep me in this stagnant stuck place.

it's sick, it's truly sick. and that's the dynamic of a *true* scape goat situation is, they will do everything to keep you last, to keep you held tightly in place, because beleive it or not, youre hte only thing holding the whole roose together still.

i see through it all plain as day. i can tell what's real, and what's bull shit. and i know, they live in a fantasy world in their heads, and they tell the honest truth to no one about themselves.

i used to be this way too, i learned it from my family. but i stopped, and put on a brave face and began to get to know myself, and wear who i am in bright bold colors on the outside, showing it to everyone confidently. not caring about the past words and abuse i've faced, not caring abotu the mental anguish i go through as a result of ptsd and things like that. with no, harbored resentment or, and with utmost compassion and value, and love, respect for myself in a wholesome, balanced way.

and i just can't believe it though, as i'm sitting here, on the ledge of, my launch pad to my success. i did it all on my own, as usual, with no help.

and, i thought, now that i had, some skin in the game financially, maybe they'd be willing to be more accomodating. but no, it's just, if it doesn't *suit* them, like if it's not helping *them* (in a very narcissistic way) it's not what they want for *themselves* then they dont' give A SINGLE shit and will literally shut it all down in the most abusive and controlling, manipulative, way possible. and i just let them get away with it, walking all over me, acting like a fool like i don't see it. playcating them even.

and then, they turn it around on me, if i get angry, you know like i'm just so impossible to deal with. how dare i speak my mind, about what i want, for me. for once. right? no, can't have that.

astonishing. absolutely astonishing.

in the year that i lived here, i am thin. i lost so much weight, i almost looked a little sick, and dark circles gathered under my eyes. i genuinely just, when i live here, i become weaker, under the stress, and anxiety and depression go through the roof.

so yeah, i'm just amazed honestly. i tried to speak my mind about one thing i wanted. and it was just, gaslight central. i forget that i really can't speak my mind.

they're like no, stay stuck where you are. don't move forward, dont progress. they're literally stifling me.

meanwhile, all the work goes into appeasing my spoiled sister. yes, i said it. she's spoiled. okay.

they buy her everything she wants, they threaten to take it away if she doesn't do what they want so she lives a double life like a fucking criminal. and she just looks at them like an atm and, i mean she's literally spent 20,000 dollars of their money in ONE NIGHT and not even a slap on the fucking wrist.... bro.

meanwhile, if i move a piece of furniture, my dad berates me, on a daily basis, nothing but that is what is spoken to me, the second he gets home, he is screaming at me, he threatens to beat me, and to kick me out (having me removed via police) etc. unprovoked. just, because a piece of furniture was moved and i forgot to put it back exactly the way he wanted it.

they really don't want me here, and i could give endless examples of how this is true, but i've endured it so much day in and day out i don't feel like explaining their behavior or actions or words anymore. i've seen enough of it, you[re just going to have to take my fucking word for it, i don't want to prove myself anymore. it's too much to type and my hands are tired.

just, trust me. they don't want me here. and i don't, know why.

but, i get nothing. i get absolutely nothing. and, i wasn't, expecting to get a lot, you know, but, i didn't think i would be given the shortest stick of anyone. you know.

i was given the shortest stick. that's the best way to put it. it's like, "yeah, you can do the shit thing no one else wants to do. you carry the weight for us. team work is dream work, buddy ol' pal."

and it's not like i haven't done the most for them.... i've done everything i can possibly do to appease and please them and it's just never enough, the control only gets worse, the maltreatment gets more extreme, the depravity of emotion from our relationship, the distance, the disreality, the lack of congruence or consistency, the abuse, manipulation, it stops at no point. the torture never stops, there is no point where they go, "ah yeah, maybe this is a little too much for her. maybe this is wrong." or no point where someone stands up for me, and steps in.

after my dad abuses me, my mom does nothing, she just looks the other way man. all my life. she let me have it, you know, and did nothing about it. not even a, shed a tear, no comment, not to me- not to my father. she just, let me take it all on my own and figure it out on my own, and watched me fall apart, fall into addiction, and nearly kill myself- watched me have to take medication for my mental health, from the effects of ptsd. i told her, the ptsd is from him hurting me, you know. it's a lot of things but that's a big part of it, yes. i was beaten to the point of dissociating. the way he treats me on a daily basis is wrong, i'm very vocal and straight up straight forward about it. she agrees that he is a narcissist, and his behavior is volatile, insane, abusive, extreme, etc. but she does nothing to stop it. no justice, for me.

not even an, "i'm sorry." for what i go through either.... no, acknowledgement.

its fucking insane and delusional. anyway, so, yeah the other night, after another night of him treating me like shit.

i go into my moms room, where she's sat comfortably like a prima donna, she drives her expensive car, sits in her expensive beautiful bedroom and luxury closet, watching her smart TV on the wall, she got it wall mounted. her luxury bed, that adjusts with a remote and can vibrate, in her plush pajamas, with her luxury hair done- she gets it done once a week. and all she does is scroll through her phone.

she doesn't cook, clean, she loves no one, she cares for no one, she is entitled, and everything has to be done for her, right. and if it's not making her happy, it's your fault.

and, just so self involved and self absorbed, she only wants to talk about herself. if i try to speak about anything, it always comes back around to be about her or other topics shes interested in, and doesn't care or isn't invested what so ever in my life, my interests, anything i have to say, my thoughts. she doesn't value me, she isn't, grateful fo rme, she see's nothing in me. like, everything that i am, it means zero to her. zero.

as long as i am her servant, that's all that matters. as long as i stay in my place, like a plush doll on the shelf and, don't have any needs, and look pretty- right. oh, oh- but when i have accomplishments, then you show up right. then you want to take credit. no.

i get the lead in the school play, no one came and took the front row seats reserved by the director for my family. i told him, don't bother, no one will come. he said, "you never know, they might." i tried.

i composed symphonies, starred in independent films and appeared in feature films. i won pageants, scholarships, honors, degrees, awards upon awards, art festivals, i played shows- i sang, i danced, i acted, i got jobs on my own. all she cares about is, how much money did you make.

all she talks about primarily is money, and it's depraved. she says horrible things, about people, about the world, her beliefs are so distorted. my fathers are worse.

so yeah, she sat there in her bedroom, locked away on her phone like a teenager. and, after my father berrated me and mistreated me for hours. i come into her room and i say, "do you mind turning the tv down a bit' (she had it too loud obviously loud like a damn theater in there, to drown out the sound of me being abused by my father.)

and she refused to turn it down. i was like, "i'm try to go to bed, can you just turn it down a little."

and she refused again. I was like, "seriously?" .... "seriously." and she just sat there looking stupid. playing dumb.

and i was like, seeing through the act. and i was like, ".... *shakes my head* *sigh*... wow. just wow. you really don't care do you. unbelievable." and i walked out.

and she knows what i was talking about. it wasn't abotu the tv. it was about everything that happened to me, and me as an adult now realizing, she never stood up for me, as a child, her child. she just, threw me to the wolves and didn't, care.

and then i realize thats why i'm so weird about feeling like people secretly don't care about me. it's how i've been treated my whole life- two faced. she acts like she loves me, but it's just, pretend.

but when it's time to show what real love looks like- you know. like, standing up for you, carry you when you're sick, acts of service, quality of time, valuing you, the individual that you are, and loving, that person. no, none of that. she doesn't even know me, and those things are often met with abusive tones, hostile nature, fights. until it's dimmed my light down to a dim dim, place, hidden away. silent.

and that's how she likes it. like a doll on her shelf.

she is horrible at love, she is horrible at taking care of things, and connection. and then i wonder, why it all feels so unfamiliar to me.

i refuse to be cold though, i will be warm, i will be vulnerable, i will not be hardened, like her. i will be compassionate. i will shine, outwardly, proudly who i am, and share myself with the world in my authenticity. because i'm brave enough.

no one taught me this but myself. my parents showed me weakness, cowardace, lies, manipulation, cruelty and indifference.

i'm done. i'm walking out this door and i'm never coming back. restraining order. changing my name. don't, come near me, ever, again. don't contact me. i'm done.

[crisisemblem]

One of my favorite things to do in smash is take some pretty sick shots of my mains.

Sephiroth 🖤

[back2bluesidex]

I FELL FIRST BUT HE FELL HARDER - The Ending - JHS (M)

Summary: You have been with Him since the beginning. To you he was the only person that existed in the world, in your world. But to him, you are another pair of hands that clapped after each of his performances. Will it change when you secure a job in his dancing academy?

Pairing: Celebrity Choreographer!Hoseok X Reader (ft. Jungkook and Seokjin)

Theme: Smut and fluff

Word count: 3,613

Warnings: Strong language, cursing, unhealthy amount of boob obsession, unprotected sex, finally they are doing something they wanted to all along! 😭

Series Masterlist

Previous chapter

A/N: I know this chapter is smaller.... I was really running out of ideas. Forgive me!

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"Stop me now if you don't wanna be wrecked, Y/N. Because I'm already going crazy, if I start now, it will be a very long night for you." He whispered in your ear, shortly before pulling away from you. He looked into your eyes with overflowing love, buring passion and dark lust. For the first time in three months his actions were synchronizing with his feelings. It didn't confuse you anymore. You knew he was in love with you, just like you have always been in love with him. There were no boundaries, he didn't belong to anyone else anymore, you never belonged to anyone else either, so there was no stopping. You didn't want him to stop, that's all you knew.

"Don't stop, Hobi. I wanna be yours. Make me yours." You replied looking at him. He could see the urgency in your eyes, something you have always hid so well.

"But… but I don't want you to think that I confessed to you just because I wanted to sleep with you." He was really afraid and it reflected in his trembling voice.

"If I thought so, I would have asked you to prove your love first. Maybe I should. I should ask you to do so. But I'm just as desperate, Hoseok. Or maybe even more. I have dreamt of this moment for years and now I can't, just can't let it slip because of a trivial doubt when your eyes are already telling me the truth." And with that Hoseok slammed his lips on yours once more. This time it was hungrier, more passionate and rougher as well.

You were pressed on the cold mirror, he was pressed on you while he devoured your lips. He squeezed your ass hard and as a result a yelp left your lips. He used that chance to push his tongue in your mouth. He explored every inch of your mouth. Your hands tugged and pulled his dark silky hair. You were living your dream, he was living his fantasies.

After a while you had to push him to signal that you were running out of breath. He left your lips with a pop again. You looked at him as he looked back but before you could register anything else you felt yourself being lifted up on his shoulder.

"Hoseok… what!?" You wiggled in his hold.

"I would love to fuck you raw here against the mirror but the academy isn't totally vacant yet. And I don't want anyone to see the evident pleasure on your face when I pound hard onto you. I don't want anyone to see what's mine." He replied walking away towards his studio. His words, his raspy voice made your panties soak even more, as if it was still possible.

He dropped you on the huge black leather couch that you had only seen in pictures and videos before. Yes, this was your first time to visit his studio, where he produced his SoundCloud albums, and you never imagined you would enter it being carried by him.

He hovered over and held an intense eye contact. He looked so handsome, his dark hair falling on his dark eyes, his lips a bit swollen from all the kissing, and the apparent bulge in his pants. And to him, you were currently the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. Puffy lips with your lip balm smudged messily all around your lips, big doe eyes blazing with lust, chest heaving with big breaths as if to invite him to rip your sweater off.

He didn't take more time. Dropping his head on the crook of your neck, he placed open mouthed kisses wherever he could reach. You tilted your neck to the side to grant him more access to your skin. He took that opportunity and started marking you. A moan left your lips when he sucked and nibbled on your sweet spot. You felt him smirking against your skin. You tugged his hair in pleasure as he mumbled against your skin, "you're mine."

You still couldn't believe all of it was happening in reality. To you it was a dream and soon all of it would come to end. You would wake up again to hold onto nothingness. But just then Hoseok nibbled on your skin just right above your collarbone, that stinging feeling ensured that it was real. You were really going to make love with the love of your life, the man you had always admired, adored, loved with everything you had. Moreover, the stickiness between your legs felt way too real to be a dream.

Even to Hoseok, it didn't feel real. More because he had fantasized a lot about this particular moment for the last two months. You were too beautiful, almost unreal. And your taste, oh my, you were addictive. Now he knew why Seokjin was bewitched by you. He couldn't get enough of your lips. Bringing his lips to yours again, he kissed you with an overflowing passion. He started tugging on your sweater in between the kiss. You lifted your body up a bit from the couch as he finally skillfully detached the piece of article from your body.

Leaving your lips for a bit he darted his eyes to your upper body, which was half naked by now. His hands moved even further and unbuttoned your jeans too. And within a moment, you were under Jung Hoseok only wearing your undergarments. For a second you got really ashamed. You had read books and watched movies. You had the idea that in a time like this you should have been wearing a lacy lingerie set for the sake of your "first time" with him. But neither did you know that your "conversation" would turn up like this, nor that you ever entertained the idea of lacy undergarments. You were totally okay and comforted with your cotton sets.

Hoseok was ogling you. He had had enough of imagination. But what he was seeing in real, was far, far better. Your skin looked so smooth, so welcoming that he swore he would never get tired of it. Your baby blue cotton lingerie set didn't look any less alluring than the lacy ones. He brought one of his hands to your waist and ran that through your side. You clearly enjoyed his touch on your beautiful body.

"Fucking beautiful. You're so fucking beautiful baby." Hoseok breathed out, "better than what I imagined." His eyes got stuck at that one particular part, which had been haunting him the most. Your tits.

A contained sigh left your mouth when he reached down and kissed your tattoo. One of his hands stayed on the couch just beside your neck for support, while the other one reached behind your back in order to unclasp your bra. Once the said thing was done, he didn't waste any time to throw your favorite bra away somewhere in the studio.

"Fuck" he cursed at the sight of your naked chest. "Your tits are a sin. Kept haunting me for these two months." His words made you rub your thighs together. He seemed to see this, so he parted your thighs and placed himself right between them. He hissed palming one of your breasts and squeezing it to his heart's content. You moaned out loudly. It was a clear confirmation that you liked being touched there. Hoseok smirked. "You like being touched on your tits. Don't you?" He asked. You nodded with hooded eyes. He twisted your nipple keeping that between his thumb and forefinger. Another lewd sound left your lips, but this time it was his name, "Hoseok ah."

"Yes baby. Moan my name. Tell me what you want." He encouraged you.

"Hoseok, please…" you winced as he pinched and twisted your nipples roughly. You wanted nothing more than his mouth around your hardened buds.

"Yes baby. Just tell me what you want. I swear I will give you anything." He said enjoying the evident pleasure in your face.

"Suck 'em. Suck my nipples." You voiced out finally.

"As you say baby." He replied before lowering his head on your tits. He put one of the nipples in his mouth while his hands kept playing with the other one. He sucked so hard that you could hear the wet sound that was created due to the friction of your nipple with his pretty mouth. He left the nipple and aimed for the neglected one. He gripped your tit tightly and kept on biting on your nipple. It made you wince in pain and pleasure at the same time. You didn't even realize when his other hand slipped down and started abusing your cloth clit. A pinch there was enough to make your back arch and push your nipple further in his mouth.

Hoseok never knew he could long for a woman this much. He never knew he could feel like devouring someone up inch by inch. The longing he felt for you had now transformed into lust and he swore he would give you the best night ever. He swore he would make love to you and give attention to each and every part of your body. You were way too alluring for your own good. He wanted to make you cum harder than anyone had ever done.

He tugged on your nipple while pulling it with his teeth and then left it. He now invested his full attention on working down on your cunt. Hooking two of his fingers on the waistband of the panty, he pulled it down in one go. You were now completely naked under him while he was still in his full clothing.

He cursed some words eyeing your leaking cunt. His voice, the lust in his eyes, the urgency that he had for you, made you wetter by every second. Placing his hands on each of your thighs he parted your legs to get a clear view of your glistening folds. His eyes darkened even more.

"Wanna taste this pretty little pussy. Can I?" Hoseok waited for your permission.

"You can but…" you voiced out somehow.

"But what baby?" Hoseok enquired.

"I need to see you too. I'll appreciate it if you take off your clothes..." you said the sultriest way possible.

Hoseok chuckled darkly, "not before I make you cum once."

You whined as a response and as a result a gentle slap landed on your pussy. Your eyes widened and you looked up to witness his changed aura.

"I told you, Y/N. It will be a long night for you." And without any warning he dipped his head on your leaking core, he gave a long lick on your sensitive bundle of nerves. You shivered with pleasure. You were inexperienced in this particular area. Even though you had a boyfriend before, but you only had sex twice. And none of the times you were able to finish. You are again being touched so intimately after 5 years almost, that too, by that one man you never thought you would be getting. But life had different plans after all.

Hoseok had had whores in his bed, but never did he experience anything like this. He definitely had some rough sex with Somi but this longing was missing. Now that he had you naked lying on his couch, all the way wet for him, he could hardly decide where he should start from. Your tits were his favorite though. Only that pair of big, round, soft muscles had made him hard beyond his imagination. But now that he had seen your pussy, he couldn't think straight anymore. Your glistening folds were far more inviting than anything else in this entire world. He could eat you out all night without getting tired.

Hoseok tongue-fucked you at a rapid pace and that got you seeing stars indoors. But you completely lost your breath when he started drawing circles over your clit. At first the strokes were gentle but as time passed by those became rougher and rougher. You felt an unfamiliar knot on your lower abdomen and you knew it was the time of your climax, something you had never had before.

"Ho-hoseok… I..am..clo-close" you managed to say somehow.

"Cum baby, cum on my tongue." He replied. And with a few more circles your orgasm washed over his tongue, wetting his chin in the process. Even though he detached his mouth from you, his long fingers refused to leave. Now he was fingering you through your overstimulation. You were losing your mind. You had felt nothing like this ever before. You couldn't even realize when he added another finger in you and brought his mouth to suck your nipples once more. It was when he curled his finger against your sensitive spot, while biting your nipple, you moaned his name louder than ever. You wished the studio was sound proof, otherwise the whole building would know about your deeds.

He continued his actions without showing any mercy, rather his thumb started playing with your clit and knocked breath out of you. You were about to cum for the second time during the night, without having his dick inside you yet. But just then he pulled his fingers out, leaving you empty. You whined being annoyed as you looked up at him. He looked back at you wearing that annoyingly beautiful smug smirk. He was enjoying it too much at this point. You attempted to hoist your body up on your elbows to watch him as he slipped out of his plain white t-shirt and then his joggers. You salivated at the sight of him. He really had the shape of a dancer. He was a sculpture to say the least. His clothed cock stood proud in between his masculine thighs. You wanted to touch him, all over him, ran your hands over wherever you could reach for the fucks' sake.

"Like what you see?" He smirked.

"Love what I see." You replied.

His smirk never left his face, not even when he walked away to a table and pulled the drawer out, clearly looking for something. He turned back with a condom in his hand and proceeded to tear the pack out.

"Hobi… I want you to cum in me." You said nonchalantly. Hoseok choked on his saliva. You clearly had no idea how his dick twitched inside his boxers with a mere sentence of yours. You were making him crazy already and now with your not-so-innocent wish you made him shudder as if, you lying naked for him on his couch ready to take his cock, wasn't enough.

"Y/N, a-are…" he tried to say something but you cut him off,

"I'm on pill" you looked at him with those big eyes of yours and how could he even say no. He almost pounced on you and kissed you as if the sun wouldn't rise the next day. You started pumping his clothed member in between the kiss. He groaned clearly, loving your touch on him.

"Need you inside me, Hoseok" you mumbled inside the kiss.

"Whatever you say baby." He replied as he pulled away and slipped out of the last piece of cloth attached to him. Your breath hitched at the sight of his length with a pink leaking tip. And your next thought was if it would fit or not. He seemed to trace your thoughts.

"I'll make it fit, baby, I'll make you full." He said, positioning himself between your legs. He teased your folds by brushing his tip on it.

"Hobi pl-please" you managed to voice

"I asked you to be patient, didn't I?" He said in a demanding tone. And with that he pushed the tip in your hole, a silent yelp left your mouth. You were finally having sex after a damn 5 years and that too with the man of your dreams.

"Are you a virgin?" He asked suddenly, probably because of your tight walls.

"Only had sex twice.. 5 years ago…. the last time." You said honesty, catching your breath as he pushed further slowly.

"Oh fuck… fuck…. So tight." He cursed, "fuck Y/N, you're made for me." And with that he pushed it all in one go, which obviously did not fit. You winced in pain. He pulled his member out leaving only the tip inside. He placed one of his hands on your belly and another one on your waist. He started moving slowly. You couldn't contain your moans, the lewd sounds kept flowing out of your mouth. The volume of your voice was proportional to his pace. And eventually he made is cock fit in your tight hole. Your moans kept getting louder and his thrusts kept getting rougher with time. His hands found the hold of your neck and he started fucking you in an inhumane pace hitting your g-spot each time.

Hoseok had never had a pussy this tight. He felt like you were handmade for him. Your walls were clenching him so tight that it was hard to move inside you but as soon as your warmth enveloped him, he lost himself. He forgot that you were inexperienced and his thrusts became monstrous. He knew he would cum a whole fucking load in you today. His eyes rolled back in pleasure but he still kept those on your contorted features and bouncing tits. If it was a dream then it was the best fucking dream he had ever had.

He felt you clenching your walls on him, "cum Y/N, cream my cock" he said breathlessly. And within seconds you cummed for the second time. Your high made him chase his own. His thrusts became sloppy as he fucked you through your overstimulation. His hold on your neck tightened as he shot ropes of cum in you.

He pulled out as his seed followed the way of your inner thighs, he took the sight in before collapsing on you . He placed a peck on your lips before you two got lost in each other's eyes contemplating what had just happened. You meant to have a conversation, which you did but the outcome was certainly not something you or him expected.

That night he went to drop you home but ended up staying over and you two cuddled all night long. He left early in the morning after kissing you for exactly 2 minutes 35 seconds. You had to borrow a concealer from your neighbor in order to hide the sinful marks that your beloved crush, oops, boyfriend created on your body, in order to go to work as if nothing happened between you two the previous night. It was not safe to let everyone know already.

You still had a hard time to believe all of it was real. Hoseok too had a hard time to believe you were finally his to have with no confusion, no pent up feelings, no pining left between you two.

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Currently you're again standing at the balcony of the academy. As always it is your little escape from the crazy karaoke party that happens one in two months in the academy. The party is even bigger this time as the tag of celebration for success of the festival added up to it.

You run a hand through your loose hair as you enjoy the cold September wind while watching the beautiful cityscape of Seoul.

You recall how four months ago, just like this, you were standing here and almost crying because of the ignorant behavior that Hoseok showed you. And then how he approached you suddenly. It was the start only, you two started your friendship from here, went through a hell of a rollercoaster ride, and then finally became each other's. As if it was a modern fairy tale, your very own modern fairy tale. You smile at your own thoughts and close your eyes to enjoy the cold breeze on your skin just as the last time. Your reverie breaks down when two maculine arms encircle your waist. You know who it is, you know it better than everyone.

"Not enjoying the party anymore?" You say.

"Couldn't enjoy without my girlfriend." He replies as he turns your body to face him. You wrap your hands around his neck and peck his nose. He giggles at your actions.

"You remember how you confessed to me standing just right here?" He asks.

"I of course do. Didn't think that time that after 4 months I would be standing at the same place but in your embrace." You reply.

"Neither did I." He says as he pulls you closer.

"Thank you." He says again.

"For what?" You question

"For everything you did. For becoming my fan, for supporting me all these years. For joining the academy, for confessing to me, for loving me unconditionally, and for staying in love even when I acted like a douche bag." He says and you chuckle.

"Thanks to you too. For recognising my efforts. Thanks to Seokjin as well… he played a big role in all of it." You chuckle. He leans down and places a kiss on your lips, "enough talk about him. Now it's only me and you." He pouts, almost melting you.

"I love you Y/N…. so much." He says for a thousandth time in this one month.

"I love you too Hobi." You reply, staring at his eyes, which contain a galaxy full of love for you. There's a depth that you can't measure, you won't dare to measure. You know that in your story You Fell First but He Fell Harder.

A/N:

You guys have been amazing!!!!!! When I posted this story I never thought I would be getting this much of responses. The way all of you have loved the story and appreciated my work, I totally stan it. Thanks for reading it, bearing with me. I Fell First but He Fell Harder ends here. I'll be announcing the new story very soon. So please stay with me. ✨

Taglist:-

@phenomenalgirl9 @scentedsope @teeheelittlebitch @betysotelo18 @jnghs @hobiewaifu @addictedtohobi @dreamsarenicee @definetlythinkimanalien @dreamer95 @cxbts @purplescript @madinainspire @bellamuerte1987