#I may delete it but probably not

[carronpatrick]

Y'all I just. I'm gonna post the chaos here cause why the fuck not, they can kiss my ass if they don't like it. 😘 But unlike FB and IG, I can blissfully put a read more! 😂

So basically, I've had one shit thing on top of the other and I'm literally dealing with my poor mom needing brain surgery and I just. I finally broke down to the lowest I can go before I'm in the ground and stayed there for weeks and something added on top today and uh, yeah, absolutely the fuck not.

----- This was the public post, lmao. Enjoy I guess? Idk. I have friends here who I don't have on other socials and y'all all deserve to know what's been happening... For my entire fucking life tbh. 💀 -----

❗Access to my presence is a privilege. I accept the apologies you'll never give for my own peace, even the ones that are falsely given and full of excuses and lies and blame shifting to make yourselves feel better, but your access is still denied. ✌🏼

Perhaps if me expressing my feelings feels like an attack, you should reflect on why you feel guilty and why you refuse to accept and take responsibility for your actions. Y'all always told me to grow up - maybe you should do the same.

If you have a problem with me, don't call my mother to make her cry. (Not just the one person who called today because I reacted to a crappy behavior which excuses given aren't technologically possible, this goes for all of y'all who have done that since I was a child.) You've placed family members my age and in my same relation to you on your peer level, you can do the same for me. Come to me. I'll see messages in my requests box and will gladly give my phone number.

But also don't expect the same little girl who would keep the truth hidden to keep the peace. My peace isn't worth any less than yours. The little girl who was yelled at at age 5, taken off the will, and told I was not wanted, but my half sister was so she should stay. The broken teenager who cried and cried and begged God, please, I'd do anything, take years off my life, please just to change me into someone who y'all would deem worthy of love and attention and basic human decency.

I won't air y'alls dirty laundry, and unlike you, I won't make up lies or talk behind backs in refusal of my errors and imperfections - I am a human, I am flawed. I have made plenty of mistakes and God willing, I will live to make many more! But I also accept responsibility for them and learn from them. I simply won't accept being treated like an unwanted bug anymore. And that's truly how all of you have made me feel, every day of my 30 years so far.

You took enough, you destroyed enough, you have hurt me enough. I deserve better. And the saddest thing is you don't even see that. People who I should NEVER have had to EARN LOVE FROM. People I gave ALL my love to, unconditionally, endlessly. People who I will still love until I die, and still cry and mourn the possible relationship I should have had with. I will cry when you die, but sadly only because of the missed opportunity to be a real family and the apologies I learned to forgive but never received.

I will continue to pray for all of you every night, in hopes one day you take a look in the mirror and realize how far off the path you've gotten. I truly hope you are able to fix the poisonous parts of yourselves before you have to face God. I hope in Heaven, you'll be better, and maybe we can finally have the relationship you so easily gave everyone else but refused me.

I am finished with people who refuse to even care enough to ask my side of the story. For 30 years, I've accepted that I was the ONE person who you all deemed unworthy and unwanted and not good enough and I was doing something wrong, maybe I really didn't deserve to be alive. People who would rather coddle the person who physically abused me and taught me how to sink a blade into my skin and told me to kill myself and never has nor ever will apologize or even acknowledge it happened. Maybe you all are just stupid and honestly believe it, I'm not sure. But as adults, you damn well should know better and behave better.

You almost took my life from me at 16, you have destroyed as much as you possibly could for the past 30 years - I refuse to allow you to take and destroy the rest.

I hope your lives will be as joyful and Godly and fulfilling and wonderful as mine will be, but at this point there is literally not a thing you could say to be allowed back in my life. And sadly the actions that would allow it will never be done because you guys don't have the balls to stand up and ask questions and make waves.

✌🏼

----- and then I sat here listening to Look What You Made Me Do by TSwift and wrote this 😂😂😂😂 -----

I'm finally just... not sitting here, forced (just to clarify, not by Mom, but by her shitty family and most of Dad's as well) to stay silent and let the horrible attacks build up internally until I go off grid for 3 weeks in a dissociation zombie state because I have to go numb to survive and I cry myself to sleep and cry when I wake up and question if they're right and I'm useless and have no talent or intelligence and shouldn't be alive.

Nah, fuck that, I absolutely do. I deserve to thrive, not just survive in fear of the next bad thing they will drop. I'm not useless. I have plenty of intelligence and I think at least a little bit of talent. Not as much as my friends and Mom think I have, but. 🤭 LOOK, I have plenty of my own demons tearing me down, I don't deserve to have them become new ones on top of the old traumas they caused.

Oh my God, I never realized how suffocating it was to be an adult with my own social media and be unable to say even 50% of what I think or how I feel for fear of 'family' causing drama and fights and fear of not being the better person. I'll be the better person tomorrow, I deserve to vent to the few people who DO give a fuck about me. (Or just vent to myself, which is also fine tbh.) I knew it was stifling and damaging but like. I guess I just pretended it wasn't as bad as it truly was.

Like, I have Tumblr - which has been the one safe place for me for the past, oh, 15 years at least - but shit, dude, I deserve to have peace all over. No more secret 'close friends' posts, I can just.... Post.... And anyone who doesn't like it can just.... Not like it or delete me or whatever... 🤷🏻‍♀️ I can sing again with the normal fears that people won't like it, not that my song choice will create a power point discussion on what I did wrong by posting it at their family vacations to the lake or whatever.

Won't cause an entire war (which, FYI, they do NOT want to wage a war with me because all my skeletons are at my table in plain view and I accept and learned from them and know I'm not less for being honest, but theirs are buried so deep it'd basically ruin their lives. Never underestimate the quiet ones you abused for years, honey. We learn to become wallflowers and we remember every dirty secret.)

But, yeah. I can just... Be myself... Don't have to defend myself or Mom (or Dad, yeah, the dead man who can't defend himself now? Yeah.) against anyone because I said 'fuck' (the HORROR! A FULLY GROWN ADULT! 30 YEAR OLD WOMAN! USING A NAUGHTY WORD! THE SHAME!), cause none of them will ever see my posts again. I can post my songs/lyrics because I don't have to worry about the bullshit guilt trip over being hurt when someone hurt me. I can post just, songs I hear and like and want to share! Funny memes! Cute animal videos! Or nothing at all! Even my silence won't be dissected!!?! 😱

I can feel my feelings and like, y'all can disagree but you won't tell me I'm wrong for feeling that? And tbh if you do, you'll be deleted cause you can disagree with my feelings or thoughts or whatever, but you have no place telling me how I involuntarily feel or think is wrong. ((Not like, I don't have all the information and have a bad take on something important like politics or something. I absolutely welcome y'all educating me, just not for my personal stuff. I'm sure the whole 2 people still reading understand what I'm saying, lmfao.))

How wild, bruh. 💀

Freedom from 'family' feels weird, lmfao. Very very good but I'm just still expecting someone to screenshot my posts and send them to the family group chat I've never been in and talk shit about me and call Mom to yell and make her upset just to injure me. I'm like a rabbit just scared to death of every twig snap still, but I'll hopefully get over it.

Nothing like righteous anger to create spite to knock you out of a depression breakdown, right? 😂

[bixels]

The Ryoko Kui interview's reception is such a disaster over a pretty normal (yet still flawed) interview between a non-Japanese fan and Japanese artistic. This is discourse for discourse's sake, and it's no surprise that almost every Twitter user I've looked at who's using this interview to parade Kui around as a goated mangaka standing strong against Western ideology is anti-trans.

Like, I do think the interview was kinda wonky with its focus on fandom culture, which Kui clearly didn't have much interest in. But sometimes that happens. Sometimes interactions between two people, especially a fan and a creator, two people who view and interact with a piece of media in completely opposite perspectives, don't click. Does this really need to get blown up into a "West vs. East culture war" issue.

Anyways, Kui saying "I don't consider my audience's interpretations when writing. I leave it to their imaginations, but I have my own read on things too" is the healthiest, most normal thing an artist/writer who wants a non-parasocial audience could say. Artists and writers use this line all the time. If Kui didn't enjoy autistic Laius or Farcille headcanons, she would have probably voiced/signalled her discomfort, like she did on the topic of Senshi fanservice. Overall, Kui handled the interview really well. Props to her to sticking to her guns and keeping a healthy disconnect from the fandom. While I think the interviewer could've/should've been more tactful and restrained, the flaws in their questions is not a symptom of the woke mind virus trying to wriggle its way into the pure Japanese psyche. It's the sign of an over-eager fan who sees a piece of fiction differently than its creator.

[3-aem]

gojo has 5 remaining chances to come back and then afterwards im going to start conspiracy scheming of a yaoi spinoff with him and getou yaoi-ing it up everywhere

[kenneduck]

They're in love, your honor!!

Esis @werewolfsister and my Viri~ <3

[unrelatedsideblog]

I randomly remembered about admiral born in Germany who ditched Germany and come to Poland and it's navy. When he got cought by Germans during WWII, they tried to win him over to their side. Józef (I think that was his name...), however, declared that "1 September he forgot how to speak German". He remembered the language, of course, but during his imprisonment he spoke only in French (I think), and would insist on having a translator present if he was spoken to in German. Call it trolling

Basically I think that Sanji should do it with Vinsmokes. Just to be a petty little shit

like

Sanji on Sunny: *speaking to himself fluently and cursing flowery in French/whatever language we decide Germa 66 commonly speaks* *Time skip to Germa 66*: Ichiji: Bon retour parmi nous, mon frère. Sanji: *In East Blue common language* The fuck you're sayin'? Ichiji: De quoi parlez-vous ? Parlez-moi dans votre langue maternelle. Sanji: No idea what you're sayin'. I'm afraid I don't remember language anymore, too bad. Ichiji: ...

[project-sekai-facts]

When the spotlights malfunction at the end of the Filament Fever 3DMV, they briefly use special spotlight effects seen in a previous WonderlandsxShowtime 3DMVs.

Namely, the flowers from Niccori Chousa-tai no Theme, the multicolored ring from Sekai wa Mada Hajimatte sura Inai, and the knives and forks from Okochama Sensou.

[corvase]

platonic soulmate prompts

these came from my heart and a past friendship of mine. enjoy and feel free to use :)

“you’re my sister, my love, and my best friend. thank you for existing.”

holding hands <33

hugs !!!!

long distance friendships </3

but if they’re long distance they can send each other packages n stuff

“you mean the world to me. did i ever tell you that?”

if one of the characters doesn’t have a father figure, what if their friend walked them down the aisle

“STOP LAUGHING I DONT KNOW WHAT TO GET YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.” “whatever you get me, i’m sure i’ll love it.”

“i love you.” “don’t make me cry.”

the moment they have their first real conversation and they’re both so much like “THEYRE JUST LIKE MEEEE” and they know right away this is going to be a forever friendship

“this is so weird to say, but i’m so glad i met you.” “that’s not weird to say at all.”

“you’re so freaking cool.”

“i feel like we haven’t talked in a minute. how are you?”

“i love you. i don’t think i can say that enough.” “i’m pretty fond of you, too.”

“i feel like, id give my heart to you if you were about to die.” “…….. id pour water on you if you were on fire too, i guess.”

“you’re a nerd.” “you’re a dummy. now what?”

giving each other life advice

^ “i know it may not help now, but honestly, what’s meant to happen will happen. what’s meant for you will find you.” “i guess that’s why you found me.”

“if you don’t go i’m not going.”

“you know that guy i was talking to?” “which one?” “STOP.”

them saying things at the same time and then being like TWINNNN

“i get to tell everyone my best friend is a [profession]… sounds like a win to me.”

[invisiblerambler]

GO AHEAD AND CRUCIFY ME IN THE SQUARE

I think this season might be my favorite. Or favorite is the wrong word, it lives most closely to my heart. Before last week I would have said that about S2 and I LOVE season 2 it feels like a warm hug to me and I can rewatch almost any episodes any day of the week and it feels like a comfort.

Especially the back half of the season. The conversation Syd has with her dad about this being the thing and the conversation with Carmy under the table. Those represent a better part of my nature when I'm mostly concerned about the state of my career and what I hope to accomplish.

Season 3 though, and I acknowledge it could be biased towards where I am in my life right now, but season three hit me between the eyes. It's forced me to confront things frankly I didn't want to, but I think that's it's success.

The honesty with which it portrays someone so deep in grief and trauma and the ambition that intersects both of those things.

I cannot begrudge anyone who finds it tedious, but unfortunately healing from trauma is tedious and boring and just as awful as it looks from the outside sometimes.

Living through a period of time where the thoughts in your head are consuming and distorting reality to the point they are with Carmy this season, I have never had words to describe that experience.

That is a gift this show has given me, a way to communicate things that I always felt my words fell short of reaching.

I wouldn't wish the level of trauma Carmy has experienced on anyone, but I wish this season garnered more empathy and less contempt.

I have frequently been described as high-functioning, resilient, and well-adjusted, but like all three of these seasons of The Bear have portrayed in stark relief, no amount of achievement can undo what you do not want to confront.

It's a cliche possibly, but the ways in which Carmy is portrayed as having it all together while not at all... A fine dining restaurant is the perfect place to not have shit together while outwardly pretending.

The messiness and utter raw emotion of it was painfully endearing. I didn't watch this season and see a monster, I saw someone desperately trying to figure out how he can feel better, and everyone around him failing to realize the depth of his suffering.

This season is so human. I saw someone say that this was a cooking show about grief and now it's a grief show about cooking, and a part of me wants to yell THE COOKING WAS A TRICK SUCKERS. IT WAS ABOUT GRIEF THE WHOLE TIME which feels painfully obvious, but based on the reactions, I think a lot of people were not expecting such a grief forward season.

I understand this show was a big swing and was not giving you almost any of what most people wanted or expected, but for me my favorite art is when I get the thing I least expected. And that was painfully true of this season. I didn't want one of my favorite and most painfully tender shows to present me with a season that laid bare a lot of things I had intended to hide away from, but I am better for it.

Even if you didn't like the season, I hope you came away with a sense of empathy for those who have experienced trauma as layered and ongoing as Carmy.

I have for a long time struggled with the idea that I was a perfect victim. I outwardly made the correct choices, and mostly acted in ways that turned my suffering inwards not outwards. I did not feel afforded the luxury in life of taking it out on other people.

Watching this season felt like a window into my id. The version of me that maintained a high level of function, but indulged in many of my worst impulses, not turning them inward and burying them down. The contrast of the way Syd reacts to the trauma of being left alone on friends and family and throughout the renovation vs Carmy feels like a near perfect study in the contrast of expectations for male and female trauma victims.

Syd keeps it all inside and punishes only herself, because to do anything else would sabotage the career she has worked so hard to build. It feels like an obvious statement to make, but feels so much less obvious when the only place it feels like the pain can go is inward.

The panic attack at the end of the season is the physical manifestation of her body no longer being able to contain all the pain she's turned inward. It has to go somewhere and there's no control over when that happens.

I'm not sure if I am simply drawing obvious conclusions everyone else has already come to, but I wanted to reflect on how human this show really is. It is beautiful and artistic and a work of art but it is also messy and human and realistic in ways that set my teeth on edge.

I understand if season 3 wasn't the full course meal you were expecting, but I hope you'll find compassion and empathy for those who felt it to be a slightly abrasive but ultimately satisfying Tuesday surprise.

[jacksprostate]

Have you ever wanted to read fight club. Did you know a lot of the copies floating around on the internet are kind of fucked up. Did you know I just spent two days fixing it. Did you know you can make a copy of this file and have it for yourself. And share it with others. You should read fight club

[radaverse]

I might be hiding and cooking something

Smile hd but it's Samurai Jack (PoM au)

Mai as an adult finally having enough of everything and going rabid is sorta a very likely possiblity isn't it

(these 27 seconds were harder to make than I expected)

Starring!:

Roni ( @tireddovahkiin )

Mai

Jack

[k-yujin]

read the tags !! // officially quit

[thebramblewood]

This cat is already an icon without even being properly introduced!!!

[nell0-0]

Too tired to draw, what is this curse. I wanna draw so badly but can't even focus on the screen, augh

[starflungwaddledee]

been working on answering a prompt i received in an ask the other day, and so i'm back thinking about... the Thing... 💖🎀 and thought maybe prompt doodles might help me work through this a little?

so uhhh.... if by any wild chance anyone has any ship suggestions for starstruck...??? feel free to send them through!

[doodlebloo]

Hiii guys.

I've already been out of my mind busy for the past few months, and with midterms happening and my thesis defense soon I may not be super active here for a bit.

As it stands now I'm not leaving this blog. This has been my home for the past few years and I love the story too much to let go. I will assess how I'll talk about Tommy/Phil/Tubbo etc going forwards based on their responses, lack thereof, info on what is and isn't allowed to be said legally, etc.

If you're reading this I love you so so so much. I am at all times overflowing with love for the dsmp/mcyt community and what it's done for me. Some of the happiest moments I've had in my life were because of you all.

Also, if you're rebranding or moving blogs or w/e and we're mutuals I'd love to follow your new account even if we share 0 interests in common now, feel free to lmk where you're headed to (if you want) ❤️

[19mhz]

a.