#I need more energy or a new body
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!!! FLASHING LIGHTS WARNING!!! [IM NOT FUCKIN AROUND!!]
REACHED THE CUSP OF 'THIS MAY NEVER BE ABSOLUTELY FINISHED N IF I DONT SHOW IT NOW, IT WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY.' SO HERE, A PROJECT IVE BEEN ORBITING AROUND UHH SINCE 2021 OR SO.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi riptide#gillion tidestrider#cw flashing lights#LOOORRD OF LIGHTNING SAAAAVE ME!!!!#RAAAHHHH I LOVETHIS SONG SO FUCKIN MUCH AND I LOVE GILLION SO FUCKIN MUCH RAAHHHH!! RAAHHHH!!!#BUT YES YES I HAD LIKE A WHOLE OTHER HALF TO THIS SKETCHED OUT BUT IT WONT FINISH COOKIN FOR A MILLION YEAARS!!!!#MAYBE SOMEDAY.....#ANYWAY. this is my first time actually syncing audio to my animations. normally i domnt know howww.#i animated it all in fire alpaca AND THEN i mixed everything in a pirated movie maker. it kinda uh. sucks. but its WHAT I GOT BAYBE!!#i relaly like how i animate swishy hair... i was inspird by eris from sinbad. i can only HOPE i got on that level w the watery flowyness#LIUGHTNING IS HARD TO ANIMATE TOO. I WATCHED ALOTTA VIDEOS ABSORBED MINIMAL TUTORIALS AND UHH I THINK I DID OKAY!!#better than bad!!! but i can still do better. eventually. ugh. FLASHING LIGHTS TOO HUH? U LIKE ANIMATINGB FLASHING LIGHT?#U LIKE MAKING THE BLACK N WHITE FLICKER RLY FAST UNTIL UR EYES BLEED OUT UR SKULL?? YEAAAHH YOU DO!!!#im also vry proud o the title cards i made at the beginning teheheheh. dependign on where riptide goes i MIGHT change it#BUT HEY THEORY TIME? I HOPE ONE OF THE GODDESSES COMES DOWN TO PILOT GILLIONS BODY SO THEY CAN BEAT THE FUCK OUT O THE OTHER GODDESS#WHO IS ALSO IN SOMEONE ELSES MORTAL BODY. GODS COMING DOWN TO WREAK HAVOC OVER PETTY DISAGREEMENTS OOOGH HOW FUN!!#GOOD ON YOU CHAMPION!! YOUR VESSEL HAS BEEN TRAINED TO BE STRONG AND HARDY. PERFECT FOR CHANNELING DIVINE ENERGY.#OHHHH WHAT A PERFECT WEAPON YOU ARE. NOW GO AND IMMANENTIZE A WATERY ESCHATON#PARAGON OF OCEANS WRATH I WANT TO SEE YOU DROWN THE LAND. DESTROY!!! EAT!!! BURN!!! RAAAGHH I NEED GILLION TO GET MORE POWER!!!!#ALSO in other news i uh. actually posted this onto twitter forever ago but forgot to post it here bc i can only post it from pc and BABY!!#IM NOT ON THE COMPUTER OFTEN! NOT ANYMORE!! NOT ANYMOREE!!! IM FREE BAYBE!! i used to be so miserable. sometimes i think abt that.#ANYWAY. pls enjoy. just this much took so long. i love makin the lil guys move.... ouh.... hava good day if u get the chance to.
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eusgahhhhh goddddd the lazy urge to just beg the internet to mansplain killer's lore to me in baby talk so i can finally GET IT and then the other less appealing urge to actually do an analysis on him so i can form my own opinion and observations. fucj
#im so tired maaaan eudgahhhhhh#i need to come up with more asks to ask people#because apparently i want to do that now. whats wrong with you brain why do you want this#im so TIRED i could EAT a WHALE!#i need to DO IT. I NEED TO ACTUALLY DO A FUCKING KILLER ANALYSIS ITS BEEN TOO LONG#thanksgiving break is coming up will that be enough for me to want to study him with my magnifying glass#this feels like sans and papyrus are the energy controlling angel and demons on my shoulders#speaking of classic undertale this has actually nothing to do with undertale LMAO#but i can just imagine myself as chara in the murder time trio fangame fight#aaaahahahahahaha horror would be so maaad <33333 i DID just destroy his entire au after all :333#and dust would be FURIOUS!!! BOTH OF THEM!!!! SO PISSED AT ME!!!!#i just took away one's place of achieving a goal and another's place of demented comfort#yeaaaah those two would be SO pissed heehehehehehe#horror never gets to have his potential happy ending because i took it away#dust never gets to honor all those he killed and put an end to what he did because of ME#the murder time trio fangame concept is SO underrated guys. touken-kamui's mtt is AMAZING#and because i look like a chara of course killer's got an entire internal conflict going on#FUCK alright sure. unsure of where this thought process will lead but we ball. me when thinking about anything killer related (i am unsure)#ANOTHER fucking chara messed up his life eruaghhhh and to make things worse they dont even seem to LIKE something new#touken-kamui's chara seems to be a megalomaniac instead of a shitty sadistic scientist#i would look so similar to the one that he doesn't know if he hates or not#should he fight alongside these 2 strangers or should he submit like he always did to his chara. to this NEW chara???#and this is all just assuming this is that 1 ending where killer kills chara and hasnt met nm yet (my favorite ending)#EFUAGH!!!! would killer stay back after the first few minutes. let dust and horror fight in steed of him as he deals w this#the two would be SO annoyed at him too. at this point if i wasn't there they'd probably kill eachother. or killer#well killer can't save or reset in the judgement hall that we got sucked into#so he actually has to put some value to his body and life if he wants to fight me#SEE WHAT I MEAN TOUKEN-KAMUI'S MURDER TIME TRIO IS AWESOME!!!!!#tricule rant#this got totally off topic from what the post was about but i should do it
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It’s not going away, so get used to it! (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#Helix#ZEX#DAX#Dexter Favin#Stepping back a bit! I'd been ignoring my concept art page lol#I wasn't sure if I'd actually finish any of them but some are silly and fun and I like them! So yes! Here they are!#ZEX is so empathetic to his human body <3 It's sweet! He wants his own body for lots of reason but that's among them! It's cute!!#It really is the worst situation for everyone :') Max needs his body back and ZEX doesn't want it and Dexter and DAX and - The Whole Thing!#DAX on the other hand lol#Neutrality to humans + being a bit self-sacrificing to the benefit of his Admiral = ???#DAX no (lol)#I imagine a Dexter wake-up (if he believed anything that happened to DAX Actually happened which - unlikely) he'd at least be like#''Would I really die for Max?? Like /that/ hard???'' Haha#I really like him using ''what the hell'' like - maybe more than would be considered normal lol#I still have that Vargas brainrot of who capitalizes deities and who doesn't - Dex does and Max doesn't <3#And ZEX does but is agnostic(?) - I'm fascinated by the religiousity! Cultural influence and understanding of self!!!#There have been So many times that I have wanted to write ''What the [expletive]'' or ''What on Earth'' but like - this is DAX!#Not Dexter! Not a human!#He wouldn't use those turns of phrase but he has the Energy of those sayings so what do fill in#I need a glossary of VUX swears#Hehe - VUX swear jar#Getting used to that new center of gravity! :D I imagine Dex as being shorter than DAX and Max is even shorter than /him/ so ♪#Last one was still technically a concept sketch but actually from an initial-writings so not at the institute but yes still Dex-DAX hehe#Where could he be! Who could he see! I wonder ♫
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i understand this is like. objectively a wild thing to bitch about when yr average woman wants to lose weight but it is really so fucking bizarre and disheartening to be asked "how are you so skinny how do you do it" by women who are really honestly beautiful and healthy and i am genuinely so jealous of their bodies' ability to maintain some semblance of body fat. i have to say "i wish i weighed more" and they look at me like i'm crazy and then i have to say "every time i manage to gain 5-10lbs i inexplicably get really sick and lose all the weight i gained and it's a vicious cycle of never really feeling healthy" and that's not the answer they want to hear and they still don't understand why i want to gain weight and like. hhhh. makes me sad. i love you you're so pretty and i am chronically ill
#eating disorder tw#just in casies#i was briefly at about 105 at some point in hs when i was really athletic and it was predominately muscle#i'm at around 87 rn? this is not a good thing? do u understand that ur body needs food and fat to survive?#do u know hooow exhausted i am on the daily because my body doesn't have any extra energy to burn#i'm just sick and this is how it presents dude. and ABSOLUTELY not to speak over how horrifically that fat people r treated by doctors but#for three years i told my doc i wasn't able to gain weight and am never hungry and she never stopped thinking im anorexic#took an ER visit a new doctor several more visits to find a med that helps with The Tummyaches and i'm still struggling#i was 97lbs and then i got just horrifically sick out of nowhere and im at 87 now. i dropped to 83 for a bit
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You literally CANNOT make a toh tlt au because there is no way you can get everything to make sense. The two universes just do not cooperate. BUT Willow and Gus would make such a good cav and necro duo
#need more platonic loved stories that are doomed by the narrative#will both of them survive? whos to say...#i think amity would be in harrow's position. the one most desperate to become a lyctor. mirrors her s1 motivation to join the EC#also luz is her completely unqualified cav#like in the grom ep where she volunteered to be her knight#same energy#john is....yknow. peepaw himself.#eda would be one of his lyctors#shes so pyrah adjacent#raine's soul is still alive in her somewhere#she refuses to fully consume them. thats why her powers are weakened. its a curse but she wont fix it#john is....yknow. peepaw.#hunter is the resurrected corpse of his brother caleb#who died before pip wiped out all life in the universe#but caleb got really annoying and shitty (in pip's opinion) after he started dating girls in his teens#so pip keeps his new body permanently frozen at sixteen years old#before he became a bitch#hunter is incapable of physically or mentally maturing#hes just been a scared moody kid for thousands of years#when pip recruited amity for lyctorhood he was like ''look hunter a little playmate for you''#but they keep trying to kill each other with hammers#luz as kiriona....like the w&d luz in the belos outfit ooooooh#papa titan is alecto#dead but also not dead#and if he wakes up its fucking OVER for everyone#none of you know what the fuck im talking about sorry#i think king would be the soul of pluto put into the body of a small child or something idk
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hey i saw a headcanon on Cho wanting to do scince and ethics experaments on Ben. how would that go?
OH, I do not think that would go over well. I don't think Ben would want that at all. He's been experimented since being alive. His very creation was an experiment.
Even if he was brainwashed into being Hydra's little toy soldier, he undoubtably went through a lot of trauma. He'd gotten his autonomy taken away, he had implanted memories to make him think he was "saved" by Otto (which is a whole other thing I'd love to talk about), and was essentially Otto's personal on-going experiment (including the other Spider Slayers, of course).
I have no doubt Cho wants to figure out how Ben works because that shits fascinating. I also have no doubt that Cho would be eons better than Otto ever was, and he'd treat Ben like an actual human being. He'd never go past Ben's comfort levels, and would stop if asked to stop.
But, I don't think Ben would ever go for it. I think he'd want to leave that part of his past behind him and never go back. And in the case that he did allow it (or it was necessary, like needing to get a better idea of his health, musculature, dietary needs, immune system, etc... because he IS a synthezoid), then I think it would have to be handled very delicately.
#Ah Ben's trauma#lets talk about his trauma#lets get into the meat of it#lets talk about those implanted memories Otto gave him#that's entirely new levels of fucked up#There's so much trauma and PTSD surrounding Bens entire....SELF#Even if Cho had good intentions I think it woud take a LOT of convincing to get Ben to even consider it#And its not even to say he doesnt trust Cho - tho lets be honest Ben hardly trusts anyone - but even if Cho doesnt mean harm I think itd#put Ben back into that mental space#LOL there's so much to consider her#Oh not and this is not to bash on this persons headcanon or anythign!#I like the idea of Cho helping Ben figure himself out#Getting him more aware of his own body and any specific aspects that are necessary to know#like how the Spider Slayers needed to charge#Maybe Ben needs to charge a little too to be at his very best#I just think it would take a LOT of time effort and energy to get him there#USM#Ultimate Spider-Man#Ben Reilly#Scarlet Spider#Asks#anonymous#Iron Spider#Amadeus Cho#Otto Octavius#Doctor Octopus#Spider Slayers
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okeydoke as I have not had much energy for working on stuff lately (but lots of motivation) I'm not gonna do proper NaNo with a wordcount or anything, BUT I am gonna make it a goal to get some amount of work done on a writing project every day (at least until I go away on the 24th). Main priority blaseball projects are, in no particular order:
Fic about the ending
Abner fic
Simon's Quest
secret fic(s) :)
get the Talkers exchange set up
Aside from that, I've been poking at more non-blaseball stuff, which is a good excuse for me to plug my writing blog @cyndakip! All my fics get posted there, so if you're interested in my writing beyond just blaseball (especially if you like pokemon), I recommend following me there, since I don't post non-blaseball fics here.
#I'm in a weird place rn where the end of blb is coinciding with me finally feeling ready to get back to nuzlockes#and I very much want to keep writing blb fics! it's just complicated by me getting smacked over the head with pokemon motivation#and separate from that I think it's just been hard for me to work on blb fics knowing that it's over#writing the ending fic in particular means confronting that. and I definitely haven't fully processed it yet and idk when I will#I really truly do want to keep writing blb fics for a long time but I worry there will be not much of an audience anymore#and I know that doesn't matter. I'm gonna write what I want and I know some people will still read it. but yknow. it's rough#also my relationship with pokemon and the nuzlocke community has been really fucking complicated these past few years#to the point where I stopped engaging altogether bc it was stressing me out too much and I had lost all confidence in my writing#this happened to be right before I got into blb. which came along at the perfect time and gave me the community & confidence boost I needed#now it kinda feels like we've come full circle. blb has changed me and now I'm ready to go back with a whole new attitude#I just don't want these two things to be mutually exclusive! I want both! but that's easier said than done#especially bc I haven't had enough energy to work on much of either lately! I want to say things are getting better on that front but#it's complicated. you know how it is with human bodies. treacherous things#the thing is I don't want to waste this. I feel ready for pokemon again and god I missed it and I'm gonna ride this wave of motivation#if I had more energy this would be less of a problem. ah well#gonna get all this done sooner or later#talking moistly
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Going on a fucking walk with my (not mine) dog that I hate (I don't) from now on because at this point I'm not entirely sure whose emotional, physical and mental health depends on it.
I need to take a picture of him because he's gotten so much bigger than last time I showed him
#this is going to be forging a symbiotic relationship between us#look the dog hasn't done anything bad but i don't like dogs#in a sense that i love animals but dogs are smelly and loud and i don't want them near me because if they lick me one more time i will-#so my dog (not mine!!!) is still a pup but a smart ass#only for violence!! this asshole will come at you and purposefully launh at you with his body weigh and kick you with his front paws#it's messing with my bodily stability how dare he#also he will walk behind you and somehow SOMEHOW jump at your feet and GRIP GRIP it tightly and put all his WEIGH on you#it's a small dog but he somehow KNOWS his game and WILL stop you#im terrified of his gripping technics#in other news I teached him to sit (sometimes) and give you his paw (violently)#now that I think of it he has Cat energy. doggy baps you with my paw baps you with my paw#Anyways. He also likes to jump and bite whatever you're holding in the air in range#i know he needs training but i do what i can it's my grandma's dog and for the most part i never see him i live on the second floor#i have never trained a dog in my life i don't know what dogs think that creature... smells#my cats smell like the sun and ocassional dirt but that's fine#this dog sort of smells like dog dirt and shampoo which is weird since i don't think he ever bathed in his life?#he is... 3 months old i suppose#ANYWAYS it's gotta be ME the one to take him on walks i guess because no one else does it
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I'm fatigued, my back hurts, I accidentally spent like 3 hours sat downstairs in a chair that made our back feel worse because our executive dysfunction prevented me getting up and going back upstairs even though I only went down there to get one thing, and now I really need to lay down but if I accidentally fall asleep again I feel like I'll wake up, realise I fell asleep and also that I feel like I wasted a big chunk of the day, and I'll end up feeling even worse again
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#posts made on pain meds#I went downstairs to get food but ended up having to wait longer than anticipated which is whatever#but then that meant I ended up sitting down and once we sit down it's like our brain stops being able to process that we can leave#I'll sit there the whole time going ''I need to get up and go back upstairs. I don't want to be sat here'' and just can't get up#I hate that this happens because while I know our executive dysfunction isn't our fault#and it's the exact same issue that stops us eating or drinking or going to the toilet or whatever when we need to#I still feel like I should be able to just get up and do the thing and just leave if I'm in a situation that I don't want to be in#and it's so hard to get other people to understand that I can't ''just leave'' because my brain just won't let that happen#like I want to but my brain won't register it as an actual thing I can do and it feels more like a weird abstract concept#than a thing I could actually do. it's like my brain can't connect the concept of the action to the act of doing it#and then I get frustrated because why can't I just do the thing that I know I should be able to do#and then I've spent hours not doing anything I meant to and mostly just feel like shit because of it and it keeps happening#and now I need to lay down and I know what's likely to happen if I do that#but I do need to listen to my body especially after getting stuck in a situation that makes our pain and fatigue worse#also we had to take pain meds earlier and that's definitely not helping with us feeling shit emotionally about all this#I hate having to navigate our brain and body just not functioning properly#I feel like we've had so little energy lately and it's reminding me too much of this time last year when we had that blood infection#I'm terrified of that happening again because we almost didn't get treatment because we started to assume it was just our new baseline#hmm apparently within like 5 minutes we've gone from ''ugh I wasted 3 hours'' to almost crying over medical trauma#I probably need to try and do something to calm us down but also I'm too tired to really do anything#which brings me right back to the issue that triggered this whole rant and me getting upset in the first place
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#had our new hire no call no show so now instead of working a couple of days and then getting a day off i now work 5 days in a row#which sucks because my job is not the kinda job where you can work 5 days and feel sane but also i really need as much money as i can get#and i feel really emotionally deregulated and unstable plus my meds ran out and i havent had the time or energy to schedule my appointment#to get more....so that makes that even worse#i just feel ......not okay. its only day 1/5 and my body already aches and i just dont feel good. i wish i enjoyed life. i try to find#the joy and love in my mundane life but im always so tired and im always so drained and i deal with so many stupid people and its so hard to#want to be alive. its almost midnight and i wanted to go to bed 2 hours ago and im even in bed ready to sleep and just cant......because#i know i have to wake up and do it again tomorrow. fuck. its all so exhausting.
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#personal#...#this is the second time I've lost a friend to drowing in a large body of water while they were with a group and got separated...#we just received confirmation his body was recovered at 9:30pm. it's currently 12:40am.#we had formal and informal searches ongoing since yesterday afternoon...#I was out hiking along the river with different seaech groups all day today...#I'm really tired and just need to put my feelings into the digital void i guess since I don't really do actual social media#i managed to mostly keep myself together the whole day and focus my energy on the search#i even held it together when the sheriff updated us and confirmed they were retrieving a found body#but once I got home and saw the updated news segment with his photos and heard the news caster say his name and death... i fucking broke#I've just been crying on and off the last 3 hours because my brain keeps rapidly flipping between feeling surreal and feeling very real#i wish there was more i could do. i wish this wasn't happening again.
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I called my dentist today about my crown because I still wasn't sure if they were going to cover it or not
When I called at first they said no. But when I said I had it for only 13 months and then asked if that was normal she put me on hold.
The dentist has agreed to do it for free as a “courtesy”
#Thanks for agreeing to fix your bad workmanship I guess#i was polite and told them I just needed to figure out money stuff#it’s not their fault he sucks#they have to deal with him more than I do#he’s more concerned with speed than quality#but I also don’t need to find a new dentist and figure it all out#which is good because I don't have a mental energy to even begin to figure out another dentist#personal#my teeth#my body is a wonderland that's been condemned for 20 yrs
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I opened Pinterest for the first time in months.
That made me realize a lot about how bad I was actually doing and how much of a Waffle House Index use of Pinterest is for adult me, apparently.
I hadn’t realized it had grown that foundational to me in a healthy-brain-exercise-and-hobby-joy way. Nice to know moving forward! It’s another sign I can keep track of and use to spot correlation/indicator patterns earlier my behavior.
I love this kind of thing, it makes me so excited!
#personal data hacking is my passion#someday I’ll tell a story about the most notable times I tracked things or hacked my own mental processes from childhood to now#including the fear of spiders and bed wetting and behavior changes and posture and heart rate and cursive and putting kitchen items and#trash away as soon as I’m finished using them instead of never ever or ages and ages later#I’m so proud of that#you have to give it time and still commit. chaining thoughts and routines and behaviors really works#we are not separate brains and bodies and external environments#anyway I’m gonna go haha I used up he last of my energy burst on Discord and here and I need to go rest and lie on the floor and probly doze#love you all be back soon bye mwah!#add to journal#trauma evolution#my Waffle House index#this is going to be a fun new tag I’m so going to have fun with this and I bet it’ll be a helpful example reference for other people too#more than just for future me!#so excited so proud of myself so happy so grateful for hope about me really trusting that my ability and my behavior and my performance#are able to and going to yes keep getting better#long many-milestone path-journeys of potential#like when I was a little 6-7 year old kid-team athlete looking ahead at a concept of a future with me over time getting#stronger and cleverer and faster and slicker and calmer and even happier and more and more capable and able to accomplish!#a gift. all this time I didn’t think I’d have and have been living anyway is such a gift.#knowing that I truly have future time to grow and explore and change and improve in even though I still can’t FEEL or IMAGINE that future#time yet. also a gift.#the time I will one day realize I can imagine a future and imagine myself alive? will be a gift.#breath is a gift. experiencing life is a gift. other life is a gift. rhythm is a gift. motion is a gift. awake is a gift. color is a gift.#such a great expanse. all of it new. all of it eternal. all of it me. all of it nothing I’ve ever known before. all of it all of it#all of it. gifts.#gonna go have floor time now. this would be such a nice time to re-re-regain my ability to cry!#mwah I love you future me. take care of your hand and thank u for writing all this down 💛#hey little star whatcha gonna queue?#my poetry
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thinking about joining a local jiu jitsu class.... i'm SO not athletic and have always had a pretty negative relationship with sports, ambivalent at best, but i WANT TO feel good in my body and maybe even learn how to use it a little better? maybe even get a little stronger?
there's a free "see if it's for you" class i can do tomorrow and the guy was super nice.... so maybe. just maybe an autistic fat queer like myself can go out in the world and get a hobby that involves moving my body. maybe
#i'm excited in the way that comes with things i never follow through on#because fuck what if i don't like it? what if it's hard to integrate into my limited routine even if i do? so i never ever try#but it's a new year and i'm going to be fucking 30 in a month...... and i'm BORED#i'm BORED AS HELL with my life right now!!!#i want to get out and DO THINGS but how the hell do i find things? where do i go? what do i do?#i'm walking distance from this gym (and the bros i've seen leaving are always super nice)#which is a major factor in accessibility for me - i never go to gyms i have to drive to#and it's kinda expensive but.... i can afford it??#i'd been doing electrolysis for months last year and THAT was definitely more per month than this and i always made ends meet anyway#and i'll have my new HSA for the year that can pay for the first few sessions when i pick back up with it in march#fuck#i'm just so tired of not having enough energy to do the things i want#and there's a good chance making my body stronger will fucking help with that??#and if these people are even halfway nice enough and i can get in the groove of a routine.... well. maybe i CAN make a change#fucking hell#i need to remind myself a lot that a big part of unmasking and being authentically me is choosing to live and act by my values#and i VALUE being brave and trying new things- not bc i'm forced to. and now that i'm an adult i'll be allowed to quit if i don't like it#my parents aren't forcing me into this. and i'm old enough to make my own choices and stop running from things that remind me of theirs#my strategy has always been Avoid Things My Parents Would've Made Me Do but they're not fucking here?? and trying a physical activity isn't#saying that they were right to push me like that as a kid. i'm old enough to try it on my own terms now.#and that it's a sport doesn't mean its to punish me for having the body and mind that i have. NO it's to grow them.#and i can try and maybe even enjoy and keep with this new thing and not have it become a jail sentence for daring to express interest in it#i can try something else if i don't like it (not a jail sentence) and i can stick with it if i DO like it (also not a jail sentence!!!)#this is not basketball-softball-swimming-gymnastics-band-choir—all of the things i was curious to try as a kid and was forced to keep at#for years as 'punishment' for having expressed curiousity and then finding out it wasn't for me#(and SO much of it wasn't for me bc i was treated exactly the same as i was everywhere else as a kid: shamed and ignored!#NEVER welcomed and taught!!!) well it's DIFFERENT NOW. bc i'm fucking almost 30 DAMMIT#and i'm not in that shithole town anymore where every single person had a chip on their shoulder. like. there's something WRONG in that town#real people are so much nicer.#narrating my life
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#Can't believe I graduated last week and that I've quit my job. I'M FREE!!!! for a while at least but I AM FREE#there are so many things I wanna do so many things I wanna get back to. fics to read posts to reblog & to reply to. little fanarts to create#also fixing my sleep schedule is on top of this list!! because surprise you can't do life when you need to fucking rest all the time#my body has been in a state of hypervigilance for the past five years because of uni and intense work#and i'm aware that chronic dysregulation takes a lot of energy to sustain..#it takes time for the body to recover and recuperate and get used to the new feeling of normalcy and safety after#running on super high levels of cortisol and adrenaline which it is NOT meant to do chronically#I'm looking forward to rest and to eat well and connect more with nature and spend carefree time under the sun#without feeling like I'm running late or that there is a shift I need not to miss#I'm looking forward to be consumed by art freely without feeling STRESSED because time is limited and I need to be doing other things#i'm excited to rewatch ls (which you do regularly!! ofc) but it's exciting that we have four whole seasons now and there is a SHIT LOAD of#gifs posts and fics i want to read and interact with and comment on!!!!#ironically i'm not really feeling good today. and there's a lot of family drama going on but good days are coming and I'm optimistic#:') hope you all have a good day. love youuuuu#about me
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going for one (1) walk instead of eating omg go off fitness kinggggg
#I'm not usually one for nighttime walks because scary but it was kind of nice#fearing for your life really puts a pep in your step and forces you to get it done gsjdhgfs#cravings are real bad tonight and like. im not worried about giving in but its more about the distraction yknow#tiktok only numbs your brain so much I needed to get that restless energy OUT OF MY BODY#I'm only 6 pounds away from where I was at this point LAST year#6 pounds away from setting a new lowest weight like holy shit. I can do this just fucking lock in Matthew#matt.txt
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