#I promise you dont owe anyone your continued investment if you're not having a good time

[wavebiders]

Just as a heads up to anyone who follows me for cr stuff, I'm probably gonna step away from campaign 3 for a little bit. I've been seeing the beginnings of the cr2 fandom situation for a while now and I wanna get some emotional distance from it to avoid another cast of characters being ruined for me

[your-heydaydreamer-blog]

Last sunday I listen to the word of God and here's what is says:

This made me remember my downfall 4 years ago

Way back 2016 I was eagerly praying for my one great goal: to pass my Board Exam.

Before praying for my board exam I was praying to God to help me graduate. As i said I have my fair share of life dilemmas. I'm not born rich, I sent my self to college thru scholarship. One failed subject and you have to kiss your bachelors degree goodbye. So i study hard pray hard and party harder whenever I ace a semester. And my prayer works. I graduated on time with no failed subject. That gave me a sense of confidence that I will ace that Board Exam just as how i did with my Bachelors Degree.

So i focused on my review and saved money to send myself into what they call a prestigous review school. I spent 6 sleepless months studying each and every topic. My plans are clear in my mind. I will pass this board exam then work into one of the top firms in the industry earn money buy my family a house give myself a car and establish a business. In short after this exam i will make myself a strong independent and successfull lady.

That was my plan. Unfortunately that wasn't God's. I flunked the exam. You read it right ladies and gentlemen. When the results are out I saw my friends names on the list. But my name is nowhere to be found. I was shocked. I can't believe it. This can't be happening i told myself. I tried to refresh the page several times hoping that maybe they are still updating the list of passers. But no. The list arr finalized. I didn't pass the board exam. Now let me show you the stages that people like me has to go through in times like this:

1. Denial:

You try to calm yourself thinking there might be a mistake. Telling yourself that this ain't reality and that this too shall pass

2. Grief:

You finally realize that you're a fucking loser so you cry your self to sleep and cry again the moment you wake up. It's a cycle. A never ending cycle until you finally save yourself from the pit of your grief

3. Self Pity

You distance yourself from your winning friends. You start to question your ability. What have you missed? What is it with them that is not in you that you failed? You start telling yourself that this is it. You can never go farther than this. This is all you got.

4. Acceptance.

Finally after all the "this can't be happening" thing, all the nights spent mourning for the shattered dreams and all the self blame you get to the point where you just have to accept that shit happens. You have to move on and continue to live.

For 4 years after that life changing failure i was lost. I am barely living. I am just existing and breathing and consuming oxygen that could have been consumed by a human being living their life with a purpose. Im living a life with no direction and destination.

After that unanswered prayer i ran away from God. I questioned Him. Why did he let me fail? Did he got tired of me? With just one unanswered prayer i forgot all those unprayed answer. I think that my old self feel so entitled that when her prayer got rejected he shows off an attitude as if the Lord owes Him an answered prayer.

Don't get me wrong. I tried several times to ran back. Ran back to Him. But I'm confused i keep on asking. I know He has better plans for me but what's that better plan? What kind of plan is that that it took so long for me to see. My friends are successful in their endeavors. They have awesome jobs with great salary package and benefits. They got promoted. They were able to buy a house some them already have cars and some got married. And me? Im here rotting. This makes me question Him again. What is it that your making me wait? Have you forgotten about me since im a loser? A failure? Somethimes i would ask, what is it that your trying to show me and teach me through this waiting game? Im getting tired. The Lord knows about that. I never told anyone my frustrations but whenever a friend posted their achievements online i tend to ask myself what happens to me? I used to do good in college. What happen? Am i a total loser now? Due to frustration i deactivated my social media accounts and shuts the world behind me.

This goes on and on. I change from one employer to another. Changing work as if im changing clothes. Until I finally landed a job into this international company. I dont really care if i got hired or what. I dont really care anymore about anything this past few years. As long as im earning im good with it.

And another storm came into me when i lose my father year 2019. And this really paralyzed me. But life goes on. So am i. The only reason i work hard is to support my fathers meds. Since i cannot live up my promise to pass the board exam, suppprting his maintenace meds is the least thing that i can do. But after he's death whats there to live for? I can stop working and let myself die out of hunger since its only me then. I lose the only reason and the only purpose i was living. Whatever that is left of me after that heartbreaking failure was buried with my father in his grave.

I was doomed. But i can't end my life. I just can't. My father will be surprised if we see each other in the afterlife that soon. I wake up in the morning, prep myself, stuff myself againts the morning rush, bury myself to work, punch out, brave the traffic, reach for my bed, close my eyes sleep and repeat that cycle all over.

Until i stumble accross this preach in the middle of a pandemic:

Year 2020 i was not hoping for anything for this year. Good or bad i will face it. I have to face it since i have no other choice. But here's a plot twist. This is the year i ticked one of my goals in life: life insurance for my mother. Its no big deal for everyone. But im not the type of person who would jump into investment quickly especially with life insurance with 10 years of paying commitment. After life insurance i found myself signing an agreement purchasing a house. Not a big house but a house whose equity fit my budget. Then goes stock market. Part of my salary goes to stock market. All of this happening in 2020. And when i look back i finally realize so this is it?

Is this why God kept me waiting? So all those years that im complaining God was planning something Big for me. Maybe God was telling me that my time will come i was just too busy to notice that. God break me and shattered me into pieces. Takes away my dream, call back in heaven those that are dearest to me. He did that on a purpose. He did that because he has a plan. Im still confused and still can't figure out why now why only now. My father would be happy seing me tick off my bucket list. I hope He's seeing me from up above and i hope He and Nanay are proud of me. From this i know that next time im having a hard time understanding events around me i will lift it up to the Almigthy and let Him