#I realise I haven't described at all what Mother Love is

[gingermintpepper]

So, now that Blood of Zeus has also been given its chance to tell the Demeter/Persephone story (and also, similarly, fundamentally misunderstood the themes of the Hymn to Demeter) can we finally, finally talk about Mother Love?

Because I can scream until I'm blue in the face about how modern, popular interpretations of the myth have become so focused on being 'empowering' to women by fixating on giving power to Persephone in her marriage with Hades and, in turn, disparaging Demeter, another woman, - the mother who grieves her lost daughter - that they've some how spun all the way around and gotten back to being misogynistic and reductive, but I feel like talking nebulously about the fact that it's Demeter and Persephone's story and not Hades and Persephone's story never gets the point across hard enough. So:

Anyone who was upset about Demeter's demonisation in Blood of Zeus S2? Read Mother Love. Anyone who is ever upset that retellings of the Homeric Hymn to Demeter constantly demonise, belittle, accuse and insult Demeter and her grief while making excuses to redeem and forgive her daughter's captor? Read Mother Love. Anyone who likes Hades and Persephone as a romantic tale but yearn for complexity outside of arbitrary romantic antagonists impeding the happiness of the couple? Read Mother Love!! Everyone who has even a passing interest in this tale whether it is for the romance, the mother-daughter connections, the themes of grief and loss and eventual comfort and compromise, the wrath of the mother transgressed, the justice that is served due to a mother's insistence in an unjust society, READ MOTHER LOVE!!!

Because it pains me that such a perfect retelling of Demeter and Persephone's story exists, that it focuses on the mother-daughter relationship by comparing it with the poet's own relationship with her mother and it is nearly obscure in the greek mythology community.

[petarabbit2]

Realistic Deuce Spade + Headcanons

Deuce Spade + Realistic artwork done with Art Breeder and edited in Clip Art Studio:

Ready to meet the goodest boy? I am. (always)

Sidenote: When headcanoning Deuce and all my other characters I take both factual and some of my personal thoughts/beliefs of the character to construct my headcanons.

Back to my rendition, I didn't give deuce any flaws necessarily (moles, acne, freckles, etc.) since I can not picture deuce with bad skin and he just seems like he tries to keep himself tidy and neat after being accepted into NRC. (Even if he did have a bit, after his change in behaviour he would try to fix it to again look more tidy and put together).

However, it's not shown in the art since it's not to that level of detail but he has a couple of past holes in his ears from piercings and he has a reverse tramp stamp above his yk yk from his rebellious days. How’d he got it without being of age? Idk really but probs a fake ID or something. Anyways it's just a simple design I chose from pinterest which i'll draw him with someday but it's basically just a spikey sorta design?? Idk how to describe it.

I also made this deuce half asian, Japanese to be precise, as I have seen a lot of people headcanon it, plus it makes sense to the extent that a sign of rebellion in Japanese households is dying hair which deuce mentions he did back in middle school.

For his features, Deuce has hooded eyes, a bit thinner and higher eyebrows, a straight nose that is upturned at the end, sorta longer eyelashes and an upside down triangle face shape, most of this is taken from his character model but taking some liberties to make the cast more diverse in terms of appearance.

For his body its a trapezoid shape so wider shoulders and a smaller waist, however he has pretty muscular legs (from track and field) and I’m caking my boy up 🫡. He has just regular size hands and feet but slightly longer fingers.

Aw yes, another slight british accent, sorry not sorry 🤭 – used to use heavy slang but stopped after getting accepted into NRC but it slips out here and there.

Without & With Face Makeup:

Personality and backstory headcanons + a bit of character analysis:

Deuce, like Ace, is one of the first characters/friends we meet in the game, he is presumed to be a very sensible and hardworking student (which he does try very hard to be) but always ends up getting himself into trouble. We later learn of his past as a delinquent which we can connect to his still aggressive nature towards hostile people who threaten him or his friends. I haven't seen much extreme mischaracterisation of Deuce personally because he's an extremely hard character to mischarcterise as the game is very straight forward with his presentation and past.

But diving deeper into his character we can discover why he's the way he is. Its cannon that his parents are split with his father completely out of the picture, and we never hear of a grandfather (maybe due to another divorce or death) so he grew up around all women which in theory is great for a boy since they learn all about how exactly to care for them but can also be straining.

Even if Deuce loved his mother and vice versa, he still would have wanted a father figure, which could be why he became a delinquent. Obviously the other delinquents were either kids of his age or a bit older which were the only ones in his eyes that could maybe fill in that role as a father figure. I know it's canon he became a delinquent because of his slow learning, feeling the need to just not try at all but subconsciously, it could have meant more to him.

When he heard his mother on the phone crying about if she's raising him wrong, if she’s a bad mother, etc. it made Deuce realise what he's been doing, that he's been taking the easy way out of things. Even though he probably didn't (and still to this day) realise he was hanging around the older delinquents because he saw them as potential father figures. (help my boy plsssssssss)

We all already know Deuce is a big mama's boy, not the sharpest tool in the shed and can have a bit of a temper when provoked, I believe Deuce is also emotionally aware of his friends. Women are known to be the more emotionally aware and supportive gender stereotype, and with Deuce only being around them he must've found his foreground (we using the big english essay words) on being able to see when someone is upset and/or mad at him or something. Even though he may be able to see it he might be a bit awkward with the comfort as again, he's still an awkward teen. 

With deep conversations, he will try his absolute best to understand and will ask questions to further his knowledge on the topic even though he might not completely get it. He would never try to avoid or show immediate distaste for these conversations because he feels he really gets to know the type of person you are based on them (Ace learn something from Deuce). 

Deuce appreciates quality time with friends alot, and especially appreciates people he knows are there for him as well as those who he knows he could tell anything to and would never be judged. He probably had to fake things about his childhood and personality to his old delinquent friends and never really realised it until he got real supportive friends like Ace, Grim and Yuu.

My editor/assistant cause I can’t grammar or spell to save my life: @cyb3rpnnk 

SIDENOTE: DO NOT REPOST MY REALISTIC RENDITION OF DEUCE OR ANY OTHER CHARACTER I DO AS YOUR OWN. EVEN THOUGH THE BASE WAS MADE WITH AI IT IS STILL MY CREATION!

However you are permitied to use my headcanoing as your own for art or stories or whatever, just not my realistic rendition.

Also if you want realistic dating headcanons with the cast please leave a comment and I might do it! Btw if I do, these headcanons will be based on my normal headcanons of the characters.

[virtual-winter]

Frozen memories #002

My Frozen story - Part 2

"But, isn't that just a kids movie about some reindeer?"

My dear mother had no idea what her 22-year-old son was getting into on November 20th 2014 😅 Following my introduction to Frozen via ABC's Once upon a time-series, I was eager to find out what all the fuzz about the original movie was about.

I still lived at home at the time (in the countryside) and I had asked my parents to see if the movie was available at the local library. I can’t remember if I watched it the same day I got it or not. Probably a few days later (on my old Philips not-even-full-HD monitor 😅).

Prior to watching it, I had learned a few things about the plot and it sounded unlike any other movie I had previously seen. In addition to that, I had watched the Let it go-scene which was very captivating and I was very much in love with the song and the animation!

My original Swedish copy of Frozen

Seeing the movie for the first time was a bit of an otherworldly experience. I’m not sure how to describe it. I think everything about the characters, the story and the setting just clicked for me. Even though I don’t even have a sibling, I was awestruck and very touched by the tragic story of Anna and Elsa. And the theme of isolation and feeling of being an outcast was something I could relate to, always having been the introverted quiet one with very niche interests. I think I saw a lot more of me in Elsa than I even realised at the time. I think I watched the movie three times in just a couple of days.

From the first day of experiencing it “properly”, I was very much in love with Anna and Elsa and their world of Arendelle, which seemed so familia to me, being from Norway's neighbour Sweden and having experienced the wilderness of this real-life Disney-like nation just around the corner. I still vividly remembered going there on vacation some 8 years earlier. So, it wasn’t just the characters and the story that made it feel like it was “my movie”. The landscape, the art, the culture and the folklore (trolls) also felt so close to home!

Sisterly love

Midsommarstång

Scandinavian trolls

Old Norse revival architecture

I had not expected to get pulled into a fandom the way I was because I usually never do and this is still true till this day - I haven't found anything else that I enjoy as much as Frozen. But this movie was just… I couldn’t get it out of my head! All the songs were so incredibly catchy! I think I spent most of winter 2014/15 just replaying them constantly in my head (and on my phone). I also couldn’t get rid of the feeling of how incredible it would be to get to see Anna and Elsa in real life. I guess this was really the first time I got to experience something like this 😊

And so, my journey into the Frozenverse had begun. I was thrilled when I learned there was a new Frozen short film coming out in 2015 (along with some Cinderella remake that I wasn’t really interested in) and I even brought my mother with me to see it in theatres. She had no clue at this time what Frozen was! She probably liked Cinderella better but I was a blessed Frozen fan! Funny enough, it was my mother who told me Disney had just announced they were gonna make a Frozen II…

I’ll cover my continued journey through the Frozen fandom in part 3.

See ya soon!

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

Please may I have a Blue exorcist headcanons of being Rin Okumura's female S/O and her name is Emily O'Malley *she is the older twin sister of Yuki O'Malley* (her name is different definitely) and her nationality is Japanese and American. She is half goddess and half human. Her mother is Amaterasu who is the Japanese sun goddess and the head of all of the gods. Amaterasu is the highest deity in Japanese mythology. In the most famous legend about her, she shuts herself away in a cave, bringing disasters to both the world and heaven but that wasn't true considering that she fell in love with a human who was an American nevertheless. Due to complications with Amaterasu being a goddess and her father being human..Amaterasu couldn't survive very long on earth for understandable reasons and left on Emily's and Yuki's seventh birthday. Emily spoke both Japanese and English considering she is multilingual and her father taught her and her sister both languages so they could have the best of both worlds and the O'Malley twins live quite near the Cram school and the Exorcist school. Their father owns a café there and the O'Malley twins worked there and it is generally very popular because the exorcist students and cram students often went there for tea and mostly for Emily's food..she is a skilled cook and oh my god if you haven't heard of the godly Café..People absolutely raved for her cooking and her family's, perfection and balanced sweetness or savoury..you name it they made it but Emily was certainly a skilled cook.

Emily O'Malley is a sweet, cheerful teenager who is always willing to lend a hand for someone who is in some kind of trouble and she never shies away from a friend or family member needing help. Being the eldest daughter of Amaterasu, the head of all gods *she would've never realised that her mother and Rin's Dad hated each other* she didn't think that she would fall for Satan's son when she first met him when he came to join the Exwire class. Emily will absolutely not hesitate to defend someone if they were being unfairly accused of something and she was not someone to piss off on a good or bad day if you wanted to dig your own grave. She is highly intelligent as a Exorcist who taught the Exwire class as a teacher..she was very informative about her lessons and gave her students good tips on how to deal with highly difficult demons...Emily is a Paladin *she controlled nine tailed foxes as a tamer* (her family were quite good people but they were absolutely brutal during training when she was a kid). Emily still loved Rin..and it didn't change what she felt about him after his secret was blown wide open and hers (she was treated like a fragile bit of glass when the angels basically went in front of her like bodyguards and basically gave the hint that she was not to go near him)..a book should never be judged by their cover. Emily understands Kuro big time. Emily can basically control nature and it is fully resistant against blue flames.

Yuki O'Malley is different person to her older twin sister and even Yukio stated that he couldn't believe that they're twins and he couldn't believe that they're related. Emily is often rather exasperated by her sister's behaviour and Yuki is described as a doer, not a thinker. She has a passion for design and aspires to become big in the fashion industry. Impulsive and spontaneous, she is Emily's polar opposite..for some reason Emily feels more like her mom than her sister when she got into trouble in the Exwire community and Yuki is Yukio's girlfriend. Yuki is rather talented in the Exwire class as a gun user but she is too impulsive..and Emily and Yuki had arguments often about Yuki's behaviour and attitude..Yuki became a better person when the incident that caused Yukio to become possessed by his Dad caused her to open her eyes more and she evidently became a better person. She is still a fashion designer. *Emily and Yuki share the same face and appearance but have very different clothing choices*

Their Dad..Patrick O'Malley is an American in a Japanese country but he is a kind man and he loved his daughters dearly. He is always ready to help when he can and he is a very loving man when it comes to his daughters. Patrick speaks both English and Japanese. He is a Paladin like how Emily is..but retired considering that he now worked in a restaurant that everyone loved but he was still a skilled young man and he knew Shiro..they worked together back then.

Rin's relationship with Emily (his girlfriend) and her sister

Yukio's relationship with Yuki (his girlfriend) and her sister

How did the Exwire students (Renzō Shima, Izumo, Shiemi etc..) felt about twins dating twins.

*My apologies for the request being too long if that is the case*

Hi! Thank you for your request! Sorry it took so long. I hope you like the headcanons!

Fandom: Blue Exorcist

Characters: Rin Okumura, Yukio Okumura, Renzo Shima, Izumo Kamiki, Shiemi Moriyama, Konekomaru Miwa, Ryuji Suguro x Emily and Yuki O'Malley (separate)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Emily O'Malley is Rin's girlfriend and her twin sister, Yuki O'Malley, is Yukio's. Emily is calm and collected while Yuki can be quite chaotic at times. What does everyone think of this set of twins?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, Rin thinks Emily’s the best. She can cook, she’s smart, she can understand Kuro, she’s resistant to his blue flames, and she’s pretty? There is nothing about her that Rin doesn’t like.

He is a bit intimidated by her status as a demigod but he can’t be bothered worrying about what other people think. He’s never done that before, why start now?

Rin also quite likes Yuki but gets along with her better as a friend. They both tend to jump into situations rather than think them through carefully, so they often bond during their punishments.

He’s glad Yukio has someone fun in his life that he’s not related to. He thinks his brother can be a bit of a stick in the mud and is hoping Yuki can help him loosen up a little.

All in all, he thinks the O’Malley sisters are great. He does think it’s a bit strange being around twins who are so similar in personality to him and Yukio though…

Yukio is so glad Emily’s around to help him keep Rin and Yuki in line. Or at least as best in line as possible…

He hopes she’ll be a good influence on his brother but honestly wonders why she chose him of all people to be in a relationship with. Well, I guess they do say opposites attract.

Poor Yukio. He thought he only had to deal with Rin and then Yuki came along. Don’t get him wrong, he thinks she’s a lovely girl. He wouldn’t be dating her otherwise. But she can be a lot.

He tries to help her use her head more before she jumps into situations and Yuki does certainly listen. But being spontaneous is something that won’t change overnight. Yukio just has to learn to accept that.

Overall, Yukio thinks the O’Malleys are good people to be around. They’re honest and hardworking and, despite their flaws, he cares about them both deeply.

Shima definitely has a crush on both Emily and Yuki. It’s in his nature, what did you expect. He’s definitely going to flirt with them a bit until he finds out they’re in relationships with Rin and Yukio. Then he’s backing way off. He respects the code.

Loves Emily’s cooking. If he had to choose between her cooking and Rin’s, he’d struggle to make a decision. Can he just say both and be done?

He thinks Yuki’s a bit too much like Rin for his comfort, especially when they’re on missions together. They already had to deal with one spontaneous ball of energy and now they’ve got another one? Ah well…at least it keeps them on their toes…

Not really put out by the whole twins dating twins thing. He’s just jealous that the Okumuras are hogging all the lovely ladies. Leave some for the rest of the guys, huh?

Izumo is definitely intimidated by both Emily and Yuki. She knows she won’t be able to push them around the same way she did with Shiemi so she’s not sure how to act around them.

Plus, they’re both demigods which is a whole other level of not being able to bully them. She feels like she needs to borderline worship them and that makes her angry.

Once she gets to know them though, she gets a lot more comfortable around them. She has more tolerance for Yuki than she does for Rin but that may just be female solidarity. She definitely prefers hanging out with Emily though, since they can have intellectual conversations.

Not really phase by twins dating twins. She thinks there are way worse things in the world that she needs to worry about. Really, the demon they could be fighting in a few days is a much bigger issue than someone’s relationship.

More girls! Shiemi is so glad. Don’t get her wrong, she loves hanging out with Rin and Yukio and all of her other friends at True Cross. But hanging out with girls is just different in a good way.

She is definitely intimidated by the O’Malleys when she first meets them, and it will take her a while to stop bowing deeply every time one of them talks to her. She’s very conscious of their demigod status.

Once she gets comfortable around them, Shiemi has the time of her life. She loves chatting with Emily, and hanging out with Yuki always an adventure. Between the two of them, Shiemi’s catching up on everything she missed out on growing up.

Twins dating twins is weird? Shiemi didn’t know. She’s been away from society for most of her childhood so she doesn’t know about a lot of societal norms. She’s just glad both Rin and Yukio have found such perfect people to be with.

Konekomaru is one who definitely struggles with getting over the O’Malleys’ demigod status. He considers gods and demigods so far above his status that he finds it difficult to be in the same room as them.

Once he gets over his fear of Rin, he’s more open to overcoming his struggle with Emily and Yuki. It will still take him a while but he’s making progress.

He enjoys Emily’s company but finds Yuki a bit draining. He can deal with Rin since he’s a guy and Konekomaru doesn’t feel the need to be overly polite with him. But I see Konekomaru as someone who is very polite to woman. He feels the need to treat them with respect which means he can’t voice his opinions about Yuki’s behaviour.

Out of everyone, Konekomaru is probably the one who will have the most problems with twins dating twins. He thinks it’s strange but won’t say anything. After all, if they’re happy, that’s all that matters.

Bon finds Emily delightful. He can’t stand Yuki. She’s way too much like Rin and, unlike Konekomaru, he has no qualms about telling her exactly how he feels.

Considering how similar Yuki and Rin are, there will likely be even more arguments in the classroom now that there’s a third person involved. Yuki and Rin often team up, shouting across their desks at Bon who is reciprocating with enthusiasm.

All this being said, Bon would protect the O’Malleys with his life. He cares about them deeply, even if he won’t say it out loud and if anyone or anything tries to hurt them, emotionally or physically, you can bet he’s defending them.

Truly couldn’t care about twins dating twins. If anything, he’s more concerned about the spawn of Satan dating a demigod. But, much like Konekomaru, he knows nothing he says will change their minds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[moonmoonthecrabking]

another rtc eurovision post (i'm so sorry for my brainrot y'all) with me associating a song for each character

fair warning, this is *LONG*, so i'd suggest scrolling past if you don't really like long posts :)

i don't think that anyone pre-canon would've watched it but, you know, post-canon everyone lives au, afterlife, take your pick either works!!!

mischa: as previously stated, stefania by kalush orchestra (ukraine 2022) is his top of all time. wikipedia describes its genre as "alternative hip hop and folk" which is basically this song is awesome/talia. it being a tribute to the frontman's mother also deeply resonates with him, missing his own mother. other favourites include soldi (italy 2019), dark side (finland 2021), lie to me (czech republic 2018) and kuula (estonia 2012) because... in addition he loves everything ukraine's sent (aside from 2012. imagine being able to have pride and audience support for practically every entry from your country). he just finds so much enjoyment and nostalgia in it (ie me projecting onto my fave). he was so surprised when noel knew about it and that he had a buddy in this uranium hellhole to chat about it. has a crush on alexander rybak (norway 2009) and chanel (spain 2022). he still does not realise he is bisexual. he starts a betting pool with the choir for each new contest (and all the ones only he and noel have seen. the two get sad at first that they can't participate with those ones, but then decide to fuck with them)

noel: his winner of 2022 was in corpore sano (serbia) for The Drama and The Art, but he also supported fulenn because france (the man was so disappointed when they got second last). his all time favourite is l'enfer et moi (france 2013), because frenchwoman singing about how she would make her ex's life hell meant that he could graft on his dreams to that. because he's canadian i don't think he grew up with it like mischa, i think that he went down a youtube rabbithole when the march he turned 14 somehow or other and fell in love. he loves all the songs like n'oubliez pas (france 2015), voila (france 2019), tout l'univers (switzerland 2019), and bonds with mischa over zitti e buoni (italy 2021 who am i kidding everyone knows måneskin, thanks to @curious-georg for that idea!!!). sometimes he puts on playlists of the earlier competitions while he's studying to imagine a morning in france. has a crush on half the male entrants.

i haven't thought through how the rest of the choir gets exposed to it because it's pretty much a "after canon once they're friends, wherever they are, au or not i don't know". but basically i have a feeling that one time on movie night it's mischa's turn and he brings along the 2021 contest (because it's one of the best of the most recent and the hosts are so good) and noel goes BATSHIT and everyone else is just like "hey... what?? this is four hours long" and then it starts and they end up really enjoying it, with them going through all the contests (sometimes on mischa's night, sometimes on noel's, a couple for constance's too) and watching them live (because i said so)

ricky: they love the entries that are just a lil quirky. a lil different. their favourite from 2022 was eat your salad (latvia), mainly because the audience *screamed* out "PUSSY" to fight the censors (eurovision is a family friendly competition). the peak songs for them were at the start of semi 1 and then it all went downhill from there. and their goat? space (montenegro 2017). if you haven't seen that video, bestie, you should. they really do watch it for the memes, epic sax guy (run away aka moldova 2010), anti-crisis girl (ukraine 2009), "but in the end, they didn't" (the 2019 host talking to that year's cypriot contestant about cyprus coming in second in 2018).

constance: her 2022 winners were not the same (australia) and i am what i am (malta) because she loves the expression of the internal self and hearing peoples' emotions through the melodies. her all time favourites are monsters (finland 2018) and cry no more (netherlands 2017) because of how both are personal, one is upbeat in its self-empowerment, while the other is about familial love and support. she relates to and desires both. otherwise, anything with a gay kiss. she screamed at the full-on makeout session that occurred during this time (lithuania 2015). and marry me (finland 2013) made her VERY happy for that kiss at the end. even then, it takes her a while to realise she is Not Straight.

ocean: her 2022 winner was hold me closer (sweden), then river (poland) because it genuinely moved her, then die together (greece). she hates I.M (israel) with a burning passion, and everyone except her sees the irony in that. from other years she loves last dance (greece 2021), only teardrops (denmark 2013), popular (sweden 2011), lipstick (ireland 2011) and euphoria (sweden 2012). she has a spreadsheet ranking her placements for each year they watch, as well as the rest of the choir, and uses that to predict the results of the betting pool mischa started. sweden and greece are in her top five every year. she put if i were sorry as her first place when they were watching the 2016 edition and mischa refuses to talk to her for the rest of the night (this one actually isn't me projecting i just think it'd be funny).

penny/jane: because this idea isn't super-solidified, and her character isn't either, it's hard to know. i think that she's a menace and loves the voice cracks and mistakes (i feel bad if i direct people to certain entries for that!!! but if you know, you Know). the best guess i have is that her favourite 2022 entry is miss you (belgium) because of the religious allegory and shifting genres (like in the ballad of jane doe), but i will take suggestions!!

this was a really long post, thanks for sticking around if you got this far!

[wittybibliophile]

DIRTY AIR SERIES - LAUREN ASHER

Book Two : COLLIDED 🎨🖌🏁🏎📚

" @ To the Sophie Mitchells out there- Be different. Be genuine. Be you."



#Characters:

*SOPHIE MITCHELL (21 yr old) - A short girl who is as free- spirit as she can be, full of life and innocence. She describes herself " like a lemon starburst, sweet but packs a punch". She is also a girl with a lot of stars, sneakers, printed tees and her naughty fuck-it list that she made one day while drinking after a very bad lay. She is daughter of James Mitchell, manager of Bandini (Noah slades's ) F1 team, and therefore has never been out of his radar regarding any teenage fun. James has always kept her in check in the name of responsibility, rules and respect but under all of that he does not realise he acts that way because he doesn't want sophie to end up like her mother, leaving her child and husband to go to africa to save under- developed countries.

Sophie has been in all girls school all her life, and once she turns 18 and is accompanying her father to the prix season, she is told to go for a kid's birthday party for face painting. Once she is in college, her life changes for the worst it can be… with bad lays and even worse list of boys to choose from. She is an accounting major, who enjoys drawing and painting, but she doesn't want to let her father down in any way, hence do not complaint about it.

Her life changes when she befriends, maya alatorre and liam zander during her prix schedule. She remembers where she has met liam before.. when 18, at the kid's birthday party a mysteriously good looking guy had bribed a kid to leave her alone to talk to him. At the time liam was 25 and told her she's too young and naive to be with him, and if they meet again under different circumstances and time they would.

Sophie avoids liam like a plague because of her father's instructions and he looks like double trouble… (yum!). Anyway, she shares another silent moment with liam under the starry sky at one of the prix end of race gala. Liam asks her for a date, after he discovers her list by chance… she acts too intelligent and asks jax and maya to come with so that she doesn't have to be alone with liam. Everything is platonic between them as she friendzones liam and keeps her distance, while liam and maya helps her with her list.

Sophie gets drunk during canada prix and kisses liam one night in a park, which leads to an intense atmosphere, which later leads to another kiss and for them to agree on a friends with benefit situation. Well, i will not spoil anything because reading about the hot and sexy deeds happening between liam and sophie, to cross off her fuck-it list are worth the wait. (Go and read if you haven't already. And to add to the spice and excitement all of it happens while sophie is trying to hide from her father, because F1 racers are out of limits for sophie.

Although sophie is scared and knows it can make their friendship ugly, she ends up falling for liam. With his charming, nerdy, hot, insecure self. Liam who helps her relive her dream, when he gifts her paint and sketch book. He makes her realise that she needs to follow her dream as she is allowed to chase her happiness. On their last day together before the abu dhabi grand prix, liam takes her to a desert under the most beautiful starry sky, to cross off one last thing on the list. Sophie spends her last hours with him with a heavy heart knowing after the last race he has to choose between her and his next year's contract with Mccoy. Well, she breaks his heart, fights with him at dawn and they leave the place.

Sophie is very distracted and sad. James asks her daughter for what was wrong and tells her that he might know about it as he is not dimwit. I love the whole daughter-father relation here, as james is so supportive and tries to help them afterwards. He helps liam to learn about the truth of his company who is trying to blindside him in the name of contract.

Sophie returns home with a heavy heart and confronts her father about her wanting to help kids through painting therapy. Well, what can a loving father do ? he agrees. Liam comes to sophie's place at the same day and proposes her, with his own dreamy list written at the back of sophie's fuck-it list. A big big happy ending.

*LIAM ZANDER (28 yr old) - A Tall , Dark, Dashing with dirty blonde hair and blue eyes Mccoy F1 racer. Best in the Mccoy team, bestfriends to noah slade and jax kingston. He recently got into trouble with his company for fooling around with the owner's niece and it is a bad time for any other distraction in his life, especially miss Sophie Marie Mitchell.

Liam can not refuse the wave of desire and attraction that rises in his heart and body for Sophie, but he is in check. Liam tries and tries to get close to sophie during first 2-3 locations of the prix schedule, but she has her boundaries built too tall for him to surpass or even to peek by. The worst happens to liam, yes what happens with every other guy in a girl's life = Friendzoned.

Liam and sophie has a intense and very very hot game going on in the whole book while trying to stay away from each other (noone wants to accept it in their hearts that they need each other in all the ways possible). He steals various opportunities to talk dirty to sophie in the most crowded places, leave feather touches whenever they are alone and close enough to each other. He cannot understand why he is so mesmerised by sophie's sparkling sneakers under the dresses, her printed Tees, her innocent face which looks at the starry nights, or her very naughty fuck-it list.

Liam is a pure soul ( i'm saying that), he loves kids and he reads everyday before going to bed…. and to top it all (my personal favorite reason) he knows that books are better than the tv/movie adaptations of the story 😍. Coming back - as anyone would do, liam tries to take sophie for double dates and offers to help her with her very specific list. Everything is going fine till they decide to be friends with benefits. They spend more and more time together. She helps him reconnect with his brother and nieces and restore his family relations… and guess what happens to liam??. love happens… 😏.

Liam has a wounded heart, something we all go through in life for various reasons. His college bestfriend Johanna who falls in love with his elder brother Lukas and they have a beautiful daughter, but during her second pregnancy she unfortunately leaves the world and zander family with a lot of sadness and her second child. Therefore, liam doesn't like to go home for vacations, for his niece's birthday because it is johanna's death anniversary. He does what he can do best and shuts it all down and focuses on racing and partying till sophie arrives and stirs these feelings in him, which terrifies him. He keeps lying to himself but he can't deny that he feels for her and doesn't want her to leave him and go home after the season is done. He keeps insisting with his company to let him continue the next season with sophie (as friends). But he gets to know they have been playing with his career for their own gains and it is time for him to decide everything.

Guess what happens ?…. Yes, liam leaves the team and joins another. He exposes his company and accepts that he loves sophie at the last press conference after grand prix. And… he goes to sophie and confesses.

Liam zander's character shows healing, accepting, feeling and growing up as a person.

I love lauren asher for always giving us all the perfect reasons to read and dream. This books shows a very beautiful way of healing right after showing us the lowest point of liam's life. Sophie's chasing her dream and happiness. Both Liam and Sophie are like a puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly. This books gives us lot of emotions which leads to very intense slow burn ( well, i live for my struggles 😂). i personally love their sexual encounters ( i will be updating one very sexy scene next month). There are kind of three epilogues , one in the last chapter where on christmas liam gifts sophie her dream car and asks her to move in with him. Another one within the book where they are married for two years and sophie surprises him with her pregnancy and one extended epilogue which shows 14 years after noah and maya (boy - marko )and liam and sophie's (twins - stella and leo) marriage. By the way their kids are legends on the race track.

This book was a treat and i think i found another one of my favorite troupe (which i do not know what to call ? Is there a name for it… friends to lovers?? Or something else.. 😉)

Xoxo,

Ironically Witty!

[comfortwriting]

Why’d you only call me when you’re high? - G.W

George Weasley x Reader inspired by the song ‘Why’d you only call me when you’re high?’ by Arctic Monkeys.

A/N: After seeing so many edits of the twins with this song it inspired me to write a one-shot based on the song, enjoy!

About: The reader and George have a fwb relationship and they both want much more from their relationship, George confronts her about this when he’s high.

Theme: problematic, leads to fluff.

Warnings: Partying, mentions of drug use.

The mirror's image, It tells me it's home time, But I'm not finished, 'Cause you're not by my side.

You’d be lying if you said you didn’t enjoy crashing muggle parties during the summer, you bloody loved it. They were so different, so odd but they were harmless compared to the witches and wizards you fell into the wrong crowd with. 

Tonight you crashed yet another muggle party, each and every time you invited George to come along, the man of the hour, the fella on your arm. But each and every time he arrived late, later and later with every one that passed by. 

You and him messed around together, but both of your parents had grown suspicious and wouldn't allow the two of you to hang out in your bedroom with the door closed. The burrow was too busy and loud for you to explore one another, you had planned to tell him how you truly felt but each and every time you got close Ron would yell at Fred, followed by Molly scolding the two of them.

Truth is, you kept inviting him to these parties you gate-crashed because you were hoping it would give you a chance to figure out if you could be much more than just friends who fucked, you wanted to be much more and so did George. 

Difference is, George wouldn’t and couldn’t find the courage to open up to you about his feelings. If you were to bring up the subject when he was sober he would go quiet, trying to change the subject. Hell, now that you thought about it, he only ever reached out to you when he was high; but funnily enough you were the one who introduced him to the green shit muggles raved about.

Looking at your watch, growing tired of the waiting game, you decided to head back home. You had been at this party for hours now and you got as equally tired questioning whether George would show up or not.

Taking off your high heels feeling too drunk to walk in them you held them in your hand and walked home.

And as I arrived I thought I saw you leaving, Carrying your shoes, Decided that once again I was just dreaming, Of bumping into you.

The golden haired boy turned up to the party moments after you left, his eyes were red and he looked rather mellow. Looking around the room he tried to figure out the faces who stared back at him, offering him drinks and trying to ask him questions. When describing your beautiful features to the other party goers to try and find out where you were, it became clear to him that you weren’t there.

Feeling disappointed he left the boring party, pulling out the strange flip up muggle phone you gifted him for Christmas he managed to work out how to call you. To his disappointment you didn’t pick up, so he tried again, over and over.

Now it's three in the morning, And I'm trying to change your mind, Left you multiple missed calls And to my message you reply. Why'd you only call me when you're high? High Why'd you only call me when you're high?

Hearing your phone go off for what seemed like the seventh time you gave in, you flipped up your phone. The white light from the little square screen glared at you in the dark, causing you to squint your eyes you pressed the square buttons with little letters on them, texting him.

Y/N:  Why'd you only call me when you're high?

George: hi?

Y/N: You’ve been smoking that stuff again, haven't you?

George: where were you

Y/N: I could ask you the same thing :/

George: :/ ????

Y/N: its a disappointed face, you plonker.

Even though you were disappointed at him, you couldn’t help but giggle, but in all fairness you were proud of him for getting the hang of a muggle phone.

Somewhere darker, Talking the same shite, I need a partner, Well are you out tonight?

It's harder and harder to get you to listen, More I get through the gears, Incapable of making alright decisions, And having bad ideas.

George: you coming out then?

Y/N: It’s 3AM George, you woke me up, was sleeping.

George: well answer my calls then, I need to talk to you

Y/N: can this wait until tomorrow? you stood me up tonight.

George: I was late, actually

Y/N:  Why'd you only call me when you're high?

George: please love, just pick up when I ring you.

Y/N: I’m going to bed, George. I’m tired. Goodnight x

Now it's three in the morning, And I'm trying to change your mind, Left you multiple missed calls And to my message you reply. (Message you reply) Why'd you only call me when you're high? (Why'd you only call me when you're) High

Why'd you only call me when you're high?

Realising that ringing you wouldn’t help, George decided he would turn up to your house, more than willing to have his mother shout at him the next morning whilst he’d be on a come down. He wouldn’t have another chance to tell you how he felt and he wanted to take advantage of the moment.

Laying in your bed you heard a stone hit your window, grabbing a pillow you shoved it over your head covering your ears. But unfortunately, if you continued to ignore George you wouldn’t be getting any sleep. More stones hit your window. 

Giving in, you climbed out of bed and walked over to the window. Looking out you spotted a high George picking up more stones, you opened the window trying not to smile at him. 

“Alright! Alright! I’m coming.” You hissed at him in a low whisper, waving at him. 

George felt relieved knowing he finally got your attention.

And I can't see you here when I'm high, Sort of feels like I'm running out of time, I haven't found all I was hoping to find, You said you got to be up in the morning, Gonna have an early night, And you starting to bore me, baby, Why'd you only call me when you're high?

Closing the front door quietly, you stepped out into the freezing cold, the cold air nipped at your bare arms and legs; George loved the sight of you in a tight vest and booty shorts.

“Now can we talk?” George smiled wrapping an arm around, rubbing his hand against your skin trying to warm you up. 

“Not here, come with me.” You took hold of his hand and sneaked him inside.

The two of sat down on your bed, the moonlight shining through the window. 

“I’ve wanted to tell you this for the longest time, but I’ve never had the confidence to when sober.” He said quietly “You got me using a bloody muggle phone, Y/N.”

You could tell that whatever George wanted to tell you was serious, so instead of scolding him for smoking a bit of ‘ganja’ as the muggles called it.

“What is it?” you asked him, still holding his hand.

“When we’re together, everything feels perfect. I feel safe. When we hold hands, kiss, sleep together. It means so much more to me... I want us to be more than what we agreed on.” He breathed out. 

A wide smile spread across your face, you were relieved, the boy you love felt the same way. This entire time. 

Why'd you only ever phone me when you're high? Why'd you only ever phone me when you're high?

Why'd you only ever phone me when you're high?

Why'd you only ever phone me when you're high?

“That's why I’ve been smoking that stuff, makes me feel relaxed about how I feel, it makes me feel more confident to get it out in the air.”

You rested your hand against George’s freckled face, circling your thumb on his cheek. “I was hoping you would say that” you smiled at him.

George opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t, he felt as if his biggest wish had finally come true. That or the weed had been laced, luckily it wasn’t the latter.

You kissed George softly and pulled back, the two of you sporting pink cheeks.

“So, more than friends?” George asked.

“So much more.”

[mbti-notes]

Part 1 of 2: Hi mbti-notes, I recently realised that when I grew up I was indirectly told that mental strong people were all egoistical people who ruthlessly walk on others to get what they want. I feel like my ISFJ mother believes this even though she would deny it. I am wondering if this attitude has hindered me so far to develop my full mental strength. My mother is like (attitude wise): 'It does not matter, just do what needs to be done with self-discipline and it will be fine.’

[con't: The problem is that I am not able to gather this much self-discipline. I think I need to feed it with something, like for example a good mood or optimism to really get done what I need to do to make myself a good life. But so far, I am not very successful at it. Unfortunately, I find it hard to type myself. I find INFP to be the most likely. But I haven’t figured out yet how to free myself from my weak personality who has a hard time getting over setbacks.]

No one is born knowing how to live life well. The reason humans are successful isn't because they're "born" strong or weak. There is no such thing as a "weak" personality - these are misguided judgments made by egotistical or immature people. The reason humans are successful is because they have the ability to learn, which makes them highly adaptable to whatever situation they find themselves in. However, in order to learn the right knowledge, one must have the right opportunities to learn. If you haven't had those opportunities in life so far, that's not your fault, but it's up to you to seek out learning opportunities. If you've had opportunities to learn but haven't properly taken advantage of them, it's time to be more responsible for your life and its direction.

You say you lack discipline but you haven't really identified the root cause of it. It could be that you lack the skills. It could be that you are doing something you don't believe in. It could be that you are too small-minded to see the bigger picture. It could be that you fear failure... so many possibilities. Whatever obstacle you face in life, there is always a strategy for sidestepping or removing it. However, you have to correctly name the obstacle first. Whatever problem you face in life, there is always a solution to neutralize or remove it. However, you have to identify the root cause of the problem first. Whatever knowledge or skills you're lacking in daily life, there is always a resource out there to learn it from, if you look hard enough. However, you have to love yourself enough to want to learn and improve.

You're describing self-esteem problems. Self-esteem refers to your judgments about yourself, based on your beliefs about your capabilities. Your beliefs seem problematic and misguided, which means that they need to be changed, otherwise, you'll have a negative attitude for the rest of your life. You get to choose your beliefs.

Everyone has the potential to learn, improve, and grow. If someone has told you otherwise, you don't have to believe it, do you? Unless you want to, because giving up is easier? Everyone has the natural tendency to honor their potential and the power to realize it. If someone has told you otherwise, perhaps the first thing you need to learn is that you are as deserving as everyone else of a fulfilling life, but it's up to you to reach for it. I suggest you work with a therapist to correct the distorted thoughts and beliefs that lead you to have such a negative attitude. If you're not sure of your type, do a proper type assessment by following the instructions on the contact page.

[hotboxd]

ok i already know what you look like i know i know but i need to practice descriptive writing for english so just ignore this

ahem i just realised how bad i am at describing things

you’ve got a tan complexion. not too far off from a good chocolate hazelnut ice cream i’d say. but not like a gelato and definitely not those cheap ones. the ones that roast the hazelnuts and use real chocolate. you have long hair. like long long. it’s really pretty though and you keep it very nice. it’s dark, i’d say between a black and a brown but leaning on the black side but it’s definitely kinda brown i’d say. oh gosh i haven’t seen you in a while this is kinda blurry ok. your hair is slightly curly, not like merida and more like wavy than curly. i think it’s kinda thick? not so thick as to say “gosh that hair could pierce my skin” but like it’s full. how do you maintain it during volleyball? your face shape is kinda like, oh i just realised i know nothing about face shapes, a house turned upside down? it’s straight down around the sides and then it angles off into the centre and a little flat at the chin? does that even make sense? oh well i won’t be describing anyones face shape anytime soon. you’ve got really pretty eyes. they’re dark and, i don’t know how to say this without it sounding like a joke, mesmerising really. i cant tell if you have a double lid or a mono-lid i don’t remember that detailed. you’ve got eyebrows but they’re like not transparent like mine they’re eyebrows. i have no idea how to describe a nose and a mouth they’re just a nose and a mouth? i swear you have a beauty mark somewhere but i don’t remember where. you’ve got a nose and a mouth i don’t know how to describe them it’s a nose and a mouth and they’re like a nose and a mouth. oh and you’re tall, like freakishly tall. ok that’s it i couldn’t think of anything more ily mwah <3

- ding ding ding!! my skin's on the hazel side, and it's a bit darker than what my mother's and sisters skin tones look like. they're all quite pale, but not like white people pale if you get what i mean? like cream with the tiniest amount of brown in it. - people tend to get so confused when it comes to my hair length, they're always asking why it's so long and if i've never cut it, to which i almost always say no, i haven't. but i'll let you in on a secret, when i was like six or so i'd gone at my hair with a pair of those patterned safety scissors, you know those ones? the type that cut squiggly lines? i remember my mom getting so pissed at me for cutting 'such beautiful hair' which confused me to no end because it's just hair?? anyways, my hair is pretty thick, and in volleyball i usually tie it up or braid it so it doesn't get in the way. - a house turned upside down is a.... surprisingly accurate way of putting it. - funnily enough, a lot of people have complimented me on my eyes before. i remember when i was little my grandfather's friends would always say i had his eyes, and so do my parents. but a compliment from you about my eyes somehow flatters me more then anyone else's did. i don't think i have a monolid or a double lid, but eye shapes aren't exactly something i'm well versed in, so maybe i'm wrong. - ding ding!! i have a beauty mark where beauty marks stereotypically are, it's right under my bottom lip. i have one on my left temple too, and a dozen other places, which is weird, considering none of my family has any beauty marks, like absolutely zero.

gah thank you for sending an ask this one was really nice to read !! anyways i have to go to sleep now so goodnight darling <33 love, j.d

[fedonciadale]

I haven't read the HP books but I don't think Hermione & Draco had a healthy relationship and yet you ship them but have the gall to say any ship of Sansa with a man except Jon is gross.

Hi there!

I never said that any Sansa ship but Jonsa is gross. Where?

Let's make a useful distinction O.k.?

Canon shipping is shipping two people in a story as it is or in the case of ASOIAF as far as the story has been written. Jonsa is where I want the story to go.

People can ship what they want in Modern AU or in canon bent universes. I don't care. I would never read even a Modern AU Sansa /Littlefinger ship because I would never be able to distance myself enough from the canon characters to enjoy it.

What I hate about Sans@n, Sanrion and Petsa is that people canonship them or even claim they are canon and at the same time deny that all these adult men assault a teenage girl. It is as if you ship Humbert Humbert with Dolores (Let's not forget that Lolita is not her real name) and close your eyes to the fact that Nabukov actually wants to unmask the toxity of it all. Authors can describe and write about problematic relationships. That is not my beef with them. It's necessary for the story, is a character study, is a way to cope whatever. My problem is that most of them completely deny canon and claim it's romantic and what Sansa needs. Blessed the one Sansan shipper who came into my inbox and told me that they know the ship is problematic. Kudos to them!

The other kind of shipping is what-if shipping or non canon shipping. I do think that pretty much anything goes there. If you age up Lyanna Mormont and make her Jon Snow's love interest in a fluffy family fic, why not? That kind of shipping can be so strange that you barely recognise the characters.

Dramione is a ship like that. They are not canon and in my humble opinion they don't work if you don't twist canon a little bit. The thing I like about the ship is how little you have to twist canon for them to work and work as a good ship even. Absolutely essential is Draco's apology for it to work. And this is usually one of the big moments in a Dramione fic - which tells you a lot about how much Dramione shippers actually understand about what is problematic about their canon interaction. There are of course dark fics as well where the relationship is deeply fucked up - but none if these authors ever claim that this is not the case. They want to explore that and that's O.k. Not that I would ever read a Dark Draco fic. Just not my cup of tea.

On another note I would say that Draco and Hermione are children in most of the books and of the same age, so although they hate each other there is no actual power imbalance. Hermione cuts him down more than once.

And there is another difference : Draco is a spoiled rich brat and prejudiced, he pranks the Trio, is devious, egotistical and JKR only gave him depth by accident if you ask me. She intended him to be disliked. But then it comes down to it there is still the fact that Draco is no killer. 'He lowered his wand'. He shies from killing an old man he hates although it might mean his life and that of his mother. Considering how much JKR drills it into her readers that the killing curse is the ultimate sin that is rather huge.

The Hound brutally kills a boy, Tyrion moves people around his board and does not care for collateral damage. He orders a man killed because he hit on Tyrion's 'girl' and lets his body be vanished in soup that is served for poor people... And let's not get started on Littlefinger. I realise that the amount of gritty realism in ASOIAF far surpasses HP but still. In ASOIAF there are also perfectly nice people like Samwell Tarly, so it's not as if it's impossible.

Actually being involved in the Dramione fandom since January has made me realise how deeply fucked up the GoT and ASOIAF fandom is. Considering that the HP fandom is rather notorious that says a lot (although I have not been there for the drama of Harmony against Romione, only heard stories).

So to sum up : ship and let ship is a good approach. But I don't like people canonshipping ships that involve teenage girl Sansa with one of her abusers and claim that this is a romantic and good thing. And I don't like people coming into my ask box trying to convince me of that fact when I never go into their territory.

Although I do have the suspicion that it's not actually Sansan shippers who do that. I think it's crazy Ary@ stans or Dany stans who have decided that putting Sansa safely away in a 'canon' ship will remove a 'threat' to their fave. As if it was not clear that the Stark sisters will band together in the end and that Sansa and Dany are foils who will end up at odds regardless of romantic partners.

[sims4imperialhouseofmarasea]

Fairytale Romance: An engagement interview!!! HIRH Prince Imperial Darius and his Fiance Miss Alysha Estep sit down for an interview with Selena Murdoch!

Marasean International broadcasts from The Imperial Palace a live interview with HIRH Prince Imperial Darius and Miss Alysha Estep.

Selena Murdoch: YIRH, Miss Estep, Thank you for agreeing to sit down with me today and congratulations on your engagement. I'm sure many Maraseans agree with me when I say we are very excited for the up and coming nuptials.

HIRH: Thank you Ms Murdoch.

SM: So I guess the first question should be, which every one is dying to know, when did you two start dating? We know you met whilst you were both at University, but when did you know there was potentially something blooming between you?

HIRH: Well yes. We met during an Eco Rally, it was one of the few occasions our respective universities weren't competing against each other. Alysha actually wouldn't give me the time of day. She simply brushed me off at the Rally. It wasn't till a few days later at a convention when I tired my luck again.

Alysha: Believe it or not, I hadn't realised who Darius was until one of my roommates at the time told me that evening. To tell you the truth, I was shocked and didn't believe her until Darius found me at the Unified Marasea convention a few days later and asked me on a date.

Alysha: I'd say, it wasn't until the fifth date and, maybe... two, two and a half months of speaking via telephone, video calls and text messages did we feel that... well spark, where we got really comfortable with each other.

HIRH: I think I fell in love with Alysha pretty quickly, maybe after the third date.

Alysha: Darius actually said I love you first. This was maybe after 8, 9 months of dating.

HIRH: Which was fine. Dating a member of my family is never easy nor straight forward. Alysha didn't want to rush into anything, we both didn't. And rightly so, Alysha also wanted some guarantees that her life wouldn't be turned completely upside down. I was glad to give it to her.

Alysha: Yes, Darius was very understanding, and patient might I add. Admittedly, I was initially terrified, but, Darius was so attentive and caring, it didn't take me long to fall for him and to fall hard.

SM: And the rest of the rest is history?

HIRH: Yes, almost five years later, the rest is history.

SM: So you took your time?

HIRH: Yes, I didn't want to push Alysha, because I knew she was special, and... I wanted to give her an out.

SM: An out?

HIRH: Yes, an out. As a member of my Family, our whole lives are dedicated to public service, which can sometimes leave time for little else.

Alysha: Darius did explain to me, after about two years of dating and a couple of months before I met TIRM's what it would mean to join the Family. It was already clear by that point that the relationship was serious, if not quickly getting there. Of course we have discussed this in more detail since.

SM: And we know around that time you had just moved in together. There were reports about a number of break-ins and security had to be increased. Could you tell us a little more about that? I must have been a difficult time for you.

HIRH: Well we won't go into too much detail about that, but yes it was a difficult time for me, for us, but especially for Alysha. We had kept the relationship under the radar pretty well until that point. We were going out in public a bit more often, and with that comes the increased likelihood that we will be spotted. Hence the Lady in Red edition in the Marasean Times. After that, another news outlet produced what can only be described as a resume on Alysha from what could be garnered on the internet. Thank fully not much. But there was enough trivial information to stimulate some interest into who Alysha was, or maybe because there was so little. Some employees of a news outlet that shall remain unnamed, where... overzealous, and saw an opportunity to be the first to ''spill the beans'' on the Imperial Prince's girlfriend. We won't say anymore on the subject...

SM: Fair enough. So how long was it before you introduced Alysha to the Imperial Royal Family and visa versa?

HIRH: As you know, we were dating for two years before I introduced Alysha to my parents. It was actually my Uncle ( the Imperial Duke of Sulani) , who met Alysha first. By the time of our graduation I had already relocated to where we live now and was spending most of my time in Sulani by that point. It happened organically really. Alysha was there for a visit and he just dropped by with the family, my cousins and my Aunt. We're not very far from each other, maybe a 10 minute walk. We're dropping in on each other all the time. It wasn't planned, it just so happened that Alysha was there that time around.

Alysha: Darius' Uncle, Aunt and cousins were all really welcoming and we ended up spending the rest of my stay, if think I was staying for two weeks at the time?

HIRH: Yes about that.

Alysha: We ended up spending the rest of it with them.

HIRH: That was the first year of dating, a couple of months after that it was my brother (Imperial Duke of Linacre) and Lorna, he had been dying to meet Alysha, so they invited us around to dinner. My little sister (HIRH Princess Imperial Erika Cara) was there too. And then it was Nerina and Greyson (TIRH The Grand Imperial Duchess and Duke of Marasea), again for dinner. A couple of months after that, it was time to meet the parents.

SM: So the Christmas get way to Terra House last Christmas wasn't the first time you introduced Alysha to the family?

Alysha: No, I had met them all before that point.

SM: Did you have any worries about meeting them Miss Estep?

Alysha: No, not at all. I was more worried about the protocols and addressing everyone by the correct titles. Once you get past that there was really nothing to worry about. Darius only ever referrers to them like any other son would, sister, brother, mother father ect... To me I was meeting his family.

SM: And what about your Family Miss Estep?

Alysha: It was within the first year of dating that Darius met my sisters. I was living with them during my last year of University. So, it was easily done. Darius came over and we ordered in some take away and that was it really, it was a really normal night.

SM: Your sisters? Are you not an orphan?

HIRH: That is an in inappropriate and personal question...

Alysha: No, Darius it's okay. Yes, I am an orphan, but family isn't always the one you are born with, sometimes it is the one you choose and make for yourself. So yes, my sisters, I have four, are my family. I make no distinction between them and those I may be biological related to.

SM: I'm sorry if I caused any offense, it was not my intention. What you have said is very moving... apologies.

Alysha: Thank you...

SM: So the wedding, is there anything you can tell us about it? Will it be a private affair?

HIRH: There is not much we can tell you about it now, we haven't even decided ourselves...

SM: Nothing at all?

Alysha: Sorry no, unfortunately everyone will have to wait. We can say that there will be announcement made soon.

SM: Okay, we will all, no doubt, be eagerly waiting for the news. YIRH, after you are married, have you made any decisions in regards to your position in the Imperial Family? We've known for years that you have wanted to step back for a more private life like you Uncle, The Imperial Duke of Sulani. Has that changed now that you have met Alysha?

HIRH: Well yes, yes it has...

SM: And???

HIRH: I, well we, have decided to stay and serve as working Imperial Royals. I realised, when Alysha and I attended a couple of engagements together, that what I was really missing was a partner. A weight of the responsibility is shared when you are able to perform you public duties with a partner. My brother found it, my sister found it and my mother found it too. I have found my partner, in life, service and in love in Alysha.

SM: Unbelievable, wonderful. Such a beautiful sentiment. What about the charity in Sulani, you were setting up with HIRM, Prince-Consort Ngata?

HIRH: That will still go ahead. We are still dedicated to setting up a charity there. We will have our main residence near to Mother (HIRM Empress Sheva) to be of service, but will split our time between here and Sulani. We are determined to make this work.

SM: Wonderful! That's a perfect way to end this interview. Thank you so much for your time. May I offer you my congratulations once again!

HIRH: Thank you...

Alysha: Thank you...

Phew! That took forever to write, I hope you all enjoy!!! Fingers crossed. It's a long one, but I saw no way to shorten it... :)

[mollyphoria]

(off my chest post.)

As soon as I turned the age of 27 last year it was like I've been awaken from a cruel false dream. I opened my eyes then boom I see 27 years of my life laid out in front of me wasted. Yes it took 27 effin years for me to wake up. I wasted all this years and now I'm suffering the consequences of not following my heart, now I'm suffering the repercussions for not realising my dreams sooner as well as pursuing them. I don't believe in myself enough to stand for what I really want so I let society dictate me. I dont love myself enough to believe that I have the capabilities to follow my dreams, luck wasn't on my side too,the odds were never in my favor. So yes I guess I blame both myself and the circumstances given to me on why I failed in life. I failed myself. Society failed me. The system failed me. Oh how I envy people who were able to realise their dreams when they were a kid. these people mostly turns out to be the successful ones in life while I'm left in shambles of not knowing what to do or having such a huge dream I knew I would never reach it. I wanted to become a supermodel but I'm not pretty and tall enough plus I'm from a country not supported by society on having supermodels. Then I wanted to be a rock star. Touring the world, playing the guitar, performing on stage. I can probably make this happen but once again I don't believe in myself and lack of support from family/society was what made this dream seem to get more impossible. I would like to pursue the arts anything from singing, dancing,writing ,painting,drawing etc but I let myself be influenced by what our society drills in my head everyday that there's no money with any of these endeavours so I never got serious to try to achieve greatness from these "useless, juvenile" dreams and plus you need God-given talent to qualify pursuing the arts and I don't have an ounce of it.

So as time goes by I continued to grow older like a dead leaf flailing around in the wind without a specific direction but downwards. But deep-rooted in my soul I knew what I wanted but I chose to stupidly ignore that little voice in my heart that tells me what to do. I to this day continue to beat myself up why I haven't even tried to listen to myself.

So what I did was to completely surrender myself to settle for a lesser,smaller dream that I could possibly reach according to the circumstances I'm handed with

I took up a course in college that I felt at the time would be something I would enjoy and easy,cheap enough to simply graduate and have that diploma just for the sake of it. When I got into the real world and became a full pledge adult for the first time ever I got hit by depression and that's when I first acknowledge that I'm not made for this at all but what I did instead of abandoning it was to try again and aim higher which is to have my own wings and to fly high in the sky and see the world. I held on to that dream. I went to school again. For a moment I had a purpose and for the first time I had direction. I thought I found myself as I try to get those wings. I thought that this will be my redemption. I made myself to believe that I'm meant to do this. I went above and beyond to achieve success. But alas I continued to be the chosen reject and once again odds weren't exactly on my favor and I have given up by the time I'm 27 years old. This is when it all crashed down on me I was chasing a dream gone dead all those years and basically wasted my youth as a result and gained nothing at the end. And I have to admit that i somewhat resent God for putting this dream to flourish in my heart but never gave me a breakthrough to even achieve it. I was left beaten and destroyed. I slaved myself away for nothing, experienced all those sufferings for nothing. I got nothing for all those sacrifices and hardwork I did. Literally all those blood,sweat and tears were for absolutely nothing at the end. I was utterly broken down,my heart was utterly crushed nothing left but broken pieces and a whirlpool of regret. If even this small, mediocre dream I settle myself for is still unattainable for me then my life is no longer worth living. I then proceed to wallow on self pity and resentment and went down to the worst depression I've ever experience in my life. Tears kept on falling like faucets in my eyes. Every streak of effort, energy, motivation ,hope left my body,mind and soul altogether. I turned ultimately dead inside. I don't have anything left in me to even pretend to continue fighting my way into this world. I can't even help myself to help myself. it's like I already died and what was left is just a hollow husk of my former self.

At 27 yrs old i went back to zero. I'm left with nothing to hope for, I didn't gain anything from all the things I went through. After Having the painful knowledge that the journey I made for myself all throughout my teenage to mid twenties is only to become of worthless dust and vomit at the end it made me inevitably bitter about life in general. I started acknowledging thoughts of dying for real. How I realized that it's better to be dead than to be alive, how I wish to have never been born at all. I missed all of these opportunities to win in life and I felt like giving up. Because Life is Suffering nothing more nothing less we will continue to suffer coz that whats life for this is the true meaning of life we are just put here to live so we can suffer and I'm not cut out for it I'm too weak to even restart again.

I realized alot of things. When I was a kid I was always looking forward to the future. I was foolishly, completely convinced that my life will get better as I get older and now that I'm older it turned out to be such a stupid thought coz life didn't get better it only gotten worse and it could only get worst from here on out.

Starting now I shouldn't hope for things to change for the better. It's dangerous to have a false hope and I swear to myself that I wouldn't let myself be fueled by false hope anymore.

And now that it's October I will turn a year older unless I cease to exist first.

I'm honestly scared of the future, now that I can see the true essence of it in its whole entirety.

At 28 I'm running out of time.

I missed the chance to get my life stable.

At 28 I'm entirely clueless on how to get my shit together and I don't even think I have the strength to improve myself. I felt like I just don't care anymore.

At 28 I should have already bought my mother a new house instead I'm stuck and rotting away in a room at her own old house.

At 28 I'm still miserable asf

Still bitter asf

Still dumb asf

Still doubtful asf

Still a loser asf

Let me discuss the thoughts I have about this song 28 of Agust D. This song single handedly describes the anxiety I feel for getting older. The fact that the age he pertained on the title of this song is 28 exactly the age I'm about to turn into soon just solidifies the strong grip it acquired to hold my heart and soul. I felt extremely lucky to turn 28 at the same year with someone as genius as him (tho his 27 international age) nevertheless I'm thankful about this.

Tho there are things that I'm honestly confuse about him having the same fears with someone like me who's a nobody without any single awards, recognitions, accolades or any kind of impact to the world, who's not loved and praised by millions nor have millions of money in my bank account, who doesn't have a big house,big cars nor big rings.

It baffles the living daylights out of me that a person like Min Yoongi who achieved so much in life would feel scared about not knowing his dreams is really about as he gets older. He basically achieved every single one of the dreams I have for myself. His overly set for life that his great great great great great grandchildren will be also set for life. His life wasn't the same like before. His life changed for the better . He earns millions of money by doing what he loves at such a young age. He simply won in life.

We are both 28 but the life I'm bestowed in is the utmost opposite of the life his bestowed in. I'm at the loser end of the spectrum while his in the winner side yet we share somewhat the same fears and anxiety about having to grow older.

This made me question if happiness is really just an illusion. well the genuine authentic euphoric kind of happiness.

Is existence all really just a one big mess with occasional ephemeral pleasure?

If a person who accomplished so much at only 28 still feels depression what's left for me then should I just go kill myself?

Alot of the reasons why I got into this level of depression is because I didn't fulfill anything Yoongi fulfilled.well I'm not really into fame so much but i hope i succeeded on not having to worry about whether I could buy a house or rent an apartment. Yoongi could buy a building for himself while I can't even afford a bedspace of my own

Yoongi could travel the whole world in a whim while I'm mostly stuck in the same place

The stark contrast of our lives is so immense I cant even get my head wrapped around it

My only dillema is that I'm afraid to die but I'm also afraid to live

It's been proven to me now that living in this world is not really living at all it's just purely surviving and I can't deal with this

I'd rather die than to be a slave to the system. And it seems like I don't even have a choice maybe to disappear is the only way out

I'm just not cut out with the cards I've been dealt with

If only I could voluntarily pull my existence out of here then I would do it in a heartbeat

I wish there is a stop button from all of these

[shineestories]

One of my favorite variety shows is Mnet’s Monthly Live Connection, where the musicians choose their crew to work on music, and towards the end, present it infront of a live audience. Today’s post dates back to October 14, 2015 when MLC showed Jjong visiting his old house.

He had mixed thoughts about it. He was probably more scared than excited. He described his days there as his usually glistening eyes started to dim.“I don't want to think back or reminisce about my childhood. I have no good memories,” he said in a voice-over. As a child, Jjong was hurt, inflicted with deep scars that he'd have to carry forward. Feelings of self-inferiority and self-hatred were pounded into that innocent heart, so much that he was left feeling helpless. When he’d be at his lowest, he'd write love letters to his mother to support her.

He was mentally and emotionally exhausted. In the episode, he stated that when the elevator doors closed, the image that they reflected wasn't what he’d imagined. He recognised the same exhausted Jonghyun in his 25 year old self. It felt like all his life, Sadness had overpowered Happiness. In five years, his situation had undergone changes, but his mind was not at ease.

Consequently, questions pestered his mind. ‘Why am I so exhausted?’, ‘Am I doing this for myself or am I being chased?’

The song that was penned to solve these questions was called ‘Elevator’. His childhood friend and piano teacher, So-Jin had participated in the creation.

The process of making ’Elevator’ was cathartic. The song was meant to be a letter to himself. We saw him piece it together, we got to see his contemplation and his tears. It helped him get through a slump. For me, with the creation of Elevator, Jonghyun had outdone himself.

The song is built on piano and string instruments set in later. The metaphor speaks for itself-an absent pain, disconnection from self, suffocation and a settling heaviness in the heart with its realisation. He'd succeeded in delivering a very raw emotion.

If you haven't seen the live performance of Elevator, you shouldn't miss it. Our artist allows the lyrics to lay his vulnerability bare, as transparent as the song itself.

[roundie89]

Saudades

Do you know that there isn’t a word for this title in English?

Does that mean that a person who has English as their mother language doesn’t “miss” anyone?

Thinking about this is reminds me the kind of stuff we would study and talk about at the university... Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about that time actually... The time when we were learning how to live... together. We were both new at that and right from the start, we shared the same experiences... We had common thoughts and later realized we had a lot more in common than just thoughts... not everything though, because, you know... only you are you.

But it wasn't the things we have in common that made me fall in love with you.

It was you. The whole you.

You and me at that time? It was us against the world and we knew we had already won.

Last week I went through our playlist again (which, funnily enough, is now updated more often when we're apart than when we're together) and I looked through the songs we added at that time.. It was a little (who am I kidding? it was very) painful because I could actually remember every little detail of when we where adding them. Then I stumbled upon a song you added on March 20th, 2018. "On Hold" by The xx.

Some of the lyrics are:

"When and where did we go cold? I thought I had you on hold And every time I let you leave I always saw you coming back to me When and where did we go cold? I thought I had you on hold"

I'd already seen the lyrics but... it obviously hits different this time.

It's weird thinking that, at that time, we just vibed together over this song but now it has a completely different meaning to me.

It actually describes everything I feel at the moment. It may sound pathetic when you consider how long has it been since I haven't heard your voice... When you consider how long has it been since I haven't called you by your nickname that you hated but you’d always let me use... because you loved me. And I loved you.

Since it happened, I’ve been through some really hard times, wishing every second that you were there with me.

Later I realised that it wasn't all horrible, because I found out that I can go through some heavy shit by myself. And I'm still here!

But even after all that... I haven't figured us out... Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time moving on, and why I'm writing this...

Trying to figure out what the fuck happened to us...

I know that I may have to live not knowing the answer to that question, but... I really wish I wouldn't.

(Yes, all of this might be very melodramatic, but I don't care because my Melodrama vinyl arrived yesterday and it's beautiful)

well.. I hope "I'll find a way to be without you, babe"

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

In a previous ask you listed Stefan as one of your favorite characters and I wonder what makes him one of your favorite characters? What makes your drawn to him and root for him? A lot of people say his character is boring, but I disagree, though I've only seen the first 3 seasons so I might not have right to an opinion as I haven't watched the later seasons.... but I love Stefan and I absolutely adore Paul and I think he's very good at portraying his character and the different sides of him etc

Of course you have the right to have an opinion. Even if you’d only watched one episode, you still have the right to have an opinion. I’m more than happy to share with you why I love Stefan, but a little pre-warning there will be spoilers from seasons 3-8 and also my response will be pretty hefty, which I’m sure you’ll be expecting if you’ve read any of my other responses to asks haha.

When I think about what makes Stefan one of my favourite characters there are so many reasons that I couldn’t just choose one. But a good place to start would be to say, the simplest reason is that I’m just connected to him and once you develop that connection with a character it’s hard to break it.

Other than that, the reason I love Stefan is because he’s just such a complex character. He’s actually so complex, that the writers themselves haven’t seemed to know what to do with him a points throughout the course of the show. Paul’s abilities as an actor are fantastic and the fact that he is able to so perfectly portray Stefan and the Ripper and make them feel like two separate people that are also interlinked is amazing. Honestly, I only have to see a gif and I instantly know whether Stefan has his humanity or not based on Paul’s expressions, eyes and body language. It’s really incredible how he manages to do that. And I don’t want to reveal any spoilers, but in season 5 Paul demonstrates his acting abilities even further.

It frustrates me to no end that people brand Stefan as being boring. It���s such a narrow-minded and stereotypical view of his character. I understand where it comes from since in seasons 1 and 2, he was that typical good guy, always doing the right thing. As Matt said, Stefan’s “that guy”, as in the guy that’s so perfect that everyone hates him. But I don’t understand how anyone that actually watched the show (past season 3 in particular) can have that opinion of him. The truth of the matter is that Stefan in season 1 was only half of himself, if that. He was still so caught up in the baggage of his past, so consumed with staying “clean” and managing his blood lust, of not giving into his dark urges as a vampire, that it forced him to strip himself back completely. He spoke softer, he carried himself in a particular way, he forced smiles, he tried his hardest to be an ordinary 17 year old, but in reality he was anything but. Regardless of how you look at it, a lot of the time in season 1, Stefan wasn’t himself. We got to see more of a glimpse of the other side to him towards the end, when he struggled with his blood lust after Elena gave him her blood to save him in 1x18. This is where we really saw that Stefan wasn’t “that guy” and that he was just like everybody else - he had his issues, he lost control and he wasn’t perfect. The thing that struck me the most during those episodes when Stefan was struggling with his blood lust, was that he was torn between that part of him that really just wanted to let go and drain the blood from everyone in sight and the part of him that was desperately clinging to the person he wanted to be and was deep down inside. The fact that he told Elena at the end of 1x19 how much he was struggling really highlighted that. Stefan really opened the flood gates in 1x20 when we finally learned the story of how he and Damon came to be vampires and he explained to Elena how he truly felt; the crippling guilt he carries all the time and the pain that goes along with it that was so intense that it actually made him not want to live anymore. That’s the point where we started to get a glimpse of the experiences that had led Stefan to where he was and formed the person he was. We saw that he’d done terrible things in his past and he was a monster, but the fact that he felt genuine remorse and pain for that proved he was more than that and as Elena said, he made a choice to be good and reject the person the blood made him. How can you not root for someone like that? Someone that is not naturally good, but nonetheless fights their damn hardest to be the best they can be?

What I also love about Stefan is that, as you mentioned, there are so many different sides to him. Obviously the first thing that comes to mind when I say that is Stefan and the Ripper, but it’s not limited to just that. I think perhaps a more accurate way to describe him is to say that he’s very multi-layered, rather than saying he has different sides to him. With each episode that passed I caught a glimpse of a trait of his that I’d never seen before or I learned more about his past. There’s always something new to learn about Stefan and even 8 seasons on, there still is. Whilst in the earliest episodes he came across as rather boring and lacking in personality or substance, with the appearance of Lexi in 1x08 we were opened up to a completely different side to him. Suddenly he was a really fun guy with good taste in music (Bon Jovi, duh!), that, in Lexi’s words, jumped naked into the Trevi fountain and got drunk on the torch of the statue of Liberty. We got to see him relax, loosen up and show his lighter side and we discovered that him being uptight is just because he’s not fully comfortable around people he doesn’t know too well. Is that a crime? In fact, I’d argue most people suffer from the same problem and struggle to be themselves around new people. Personally, this made Stefan very relatable and that’s one of the first steps in me connecting to a character. Stefan is also deeply sensitive, he really feels things and is affected by the pain of other people. He can’t help but get emotionally invested and involved in other people’s problems and it’s the reason why he’s always stepping in to save people and help them in anyway he can. His journal has always been his way of being able to channel those emotions and express his inner turmoil at carrying the weight of not just his own feelings, but those of the people around him and yet again, all of this is something I personally relate to, because I’m exactly the same.

I know that along with being branded as boring, Stefan has also earned the title of “good guy”, which is kind of directly tied to being boring. That guy that’s always the hero, always doing the right thing and is just and fair is generally boring because people want the anti-hero, the villain that they can root for to earn their redemption. The thing is, calling Stefan the good guy is as narrow minded as calling him boring, because he is certainly not the good guy. He has maimed, tortured, killed and feasted upon countless of innocent people all for his own amusement and I believe there’s a deep part of Stefan that is truly evil. The proof we have of that is how drastically different Stefan is whenever he is without his humanity. With characters such as Damon and even Caroline, let’s be honest, there was barely any difference when they didn’t have there humanity and with Damon in particular, I actually couldn’t tell you at what points during the series he had his humanity and the points that he didn’t. However, when it comes to Stefan, boy, you know it. Without his humanity, he is utterly ruthless, there is no limit on what he’ll do, nothing that’s too far or too much, he just does whatever the hell he wants. His eyes, his mannerisms, his behaviour, his actions, the things he says, everything about him is different when he doesn’t have his humanity. Watching Stefan in season 3 was the first time I really took notice of him and was like, “Whoa, this guy!” Seeing that dramatic turn in his character was intriguing and honestly made me fall in love with Stefan in a completely new way. But what was fascinating about Stefan in season 3 is that no matter how far he fell into that black hole of darkness, he never stopped clinging to that humanity, deep inside himself and that is who Stefan truly is. That’s his heart and soul. The darkness in him is essentially created solely from his vampirism. That’s what’s so strange about him, too, is that I actually genuinely don’t perceive his darker side to be a part of his true self. I think that if you dig right into the center of Stefan and get to his soul, he is truly good and pure. All of his issues come from being a vampire. Think about it. As a human Stefan was pretty happy - he was the apple of his father’s eye, his mother doted on him (before she “died”), he had a good relationship with his big brother, he lived a wealthy lifestyle and when we saw flashbacks of Stefan as a human he always struck me as being pretty contented. The start of Stefan’s issues were when he accidentally killed his dad and took those first few drops of blood. From there it spiralled and once he’d made Damon turn and Damon completely turned against him, the dark side of Stefan was born. I personally have always believed that the Ripper was created because of Stefan’s issues with Damon. He lost his mother, killed his father, was responsible for Katherine’s “death” and Damon was the only person he had left in the world. All that kept him going was the thought of spending eternity with his brother and once he realised that he’d messed up and Damon hated him, it broke him. The only way he knew to deal with that pain and loneliness and devastation was to turn it off and lose himself in the blood. And those impulses have never left him, it’s become almost a learned behaviour for him now. He feels pain and his immediate reaction is to feed to numb the pain. It’s his coping mechanism. But I’d argue that unlike a lot of Stefan stans, that Stefan doesn’t have an addictive personality. If he was human or had always been human I don’t believe he would be an addict. His need for blood was created from being a vampire and the events that led to it and the consequences too. 

Another reason I love Stefan, which is actually one of the simpler ones: have you seen how he treats Elena? How he treats Caroline? How he treats Bonnie? How he treats everyone? (x) (x) Stefan is a gentleman. He’s sweet, he’s kind and he’s sincere. From the second he came onto the show in season 1 he had an overbearing desire to protect everyone. Even though it was Damon that turned Vicki, Stefan took full responsibility for her and dedicated himself to trying to help her deal with the transition, he supported Caroline through her transition and without him she really wouldn’t have made it, he forgave Katherine for the trauma she put him through for 160 years and gave her peace in her final moments, he teamed up with Rebekah and promised to help her find the cure despite her being his enemy, he saved Damon multiple times despite the fact Damon had made his life a living hell, he stepped aside from the love of his life to let his brother be happy, he forgave his mother for abandoning him and pretending to be dead for over a century. The list could continue, but the point is Stefan is a forgiving, compassionate person that constantly shows how much of a decent and strong person he is through the selflessness and mercy he shows, even to his enemies. These are the traits that make a person strong and Stefan has all of them. 

Every time I look at him, I just can’t help but wish the best for him, because he deserves it so much. I’ve seen him sacrifice so much and he’s never really got the rewards or benefits and he’s never begrudged that or even complained. He keeps trying to move forward and I also love that despite the fact that he comes across as a rather brooding and depressive character, he is actually so filled with hope. No matter what happens to him, he never gives up, he simply looks at what’s happened and finds a way to deal with it. And I hate making comparisons, but I feel it’s relevant to make this point. Unlike Damon, Stefan actually rarely (if ever) flies off the handle when he’s upset or angry (unless he has no humanity). I mean, Elena dumped him and slept with Damon within 24 hours, then they both lied to him about being together and do you know what he did? He threw a chessboard across the room. In season 5 when he was dealing with PTSD after being locked in a safe and drowning over and over for months and was still struggling to deal with his break-up with Elena, he kept it all inside and dealt with it by letting Caroline and Katherine help him. He didn’t blame anyone else or result to violent or reckless behaviour, he pushed through and attempted to deal with it in a healthy way without being a burden on anyone else. And that is who Stefan is. He never asks for anything, he never wants pity or sympathy or credit, he just does what he has to, what he’s supposed to and that’s it.

I could really go on all day about why I love Stefan, but the best way to summarise it is that he’s just a loveable character to me in every single way. He has so much to offer and despite the writers failing on knowing what to do with such a fantastic character, their poor writing still can’t take away from the complexity of his character and I really praise Paul for managing to convey that, even as the seasons have progressed. 

From the beginning the story was narrated as being Stefan’s story and he was the one that drew me in. He’s the vampire I was intrigued to know, his history was the one I watched for and his relationships and development were what I wanted to see and that has never really changed. Stefan is the heart and soul of the show (along with Elena) and it wouldn’t be the same without him. And whilst I have the chance, I want to argue the point, that although Damon has the reputation for being the funny brother, Stefan is actually very funny (x) (x). Damon might have his snappy one liners, but Stefan’s snarky comments and sass is so much more subtle, and in my opinion, funnier. Just thought I’d throw that out there as a final point haha. 

[mem-en-to]

I just have to post this somewhere. If you do read it please don't reply or anything to alert me that you do. I just have to assure myself of my existence. If you do I might just can't stand it.

It's getting worse

I don't know if this will be a one time thing or what

It might be the stress of starting the second week of university

or that I fucked up the dorm's microwave 3 days ago and still feel guilty and stress (since then I've been making so many mistake I drop the alcohol bottle(broke it), drop a glass of water(luckily it's a plastic glass), spilled the milk on the desk, spilled the smoothie next to the fridge, dropped the clean towel on the balcony(result in having to wash it), tripped and drop some clean cottonbuds(such a waste!), tripped on the way to the bathroom at 2 am and woke the neighbors up on a schoolday)

or even home sick from being away for a week now

or because I was staying inside after graduated and then the covid situation that make me(I chose)stay inside the house for more than 3 months straight(well, I did go outside like once every other week or sth, but I would always go with someone, mom or dad)

I've been dreading going outside since yesterday

I estimated how many food I have left and feel bad(no not bad as in guilty) about having to go out and buy more

I even considered skip some meals and ration what I have left so I could put away going out for even just 1 more day

And I did, I skip breakfast and ration the food

I ate a bit less so I could scrap all the left over for just one more meal

The thought of going outside turned my stomach and I feel tight in my chest

it made me feel.. disgust and a bit of fear? มวนท้อง แหยงๆ อึดอัดตรงหน้าอก

I'm not sure how to describe it how or why

I don't think its talking to people that make me feel this way

I think its just go outside in general? being seen maybe?

I normally would dread going outside for a bit but have no problem in doing it

I would just need some times to come to realisation that I have to(or about to)go outside

Like, if mom just ask me inthe morning if I want to go out this afternoon. My answer is NO. There's no bargaining, except if it is ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT.

But If she asked me, do you want to come with me tmr? That'll be fine, I might say yes(but I say no more often)

I would have a kind of panic-y thougt and feeling a bit scared before actually going out, like while I was preparing(dress, grab things stuff like that) that is normal

Today it took me almost half an hour after I'm ready to gather courage and actually step out of my room

In that 30 minutes I kept checking again and again of what I have to buy and did I have my all things?(phone checked. wallet checked. mask checked. etc) What about my clothes?(check the mirror) Did I brushed my hair?(proceed to brush it the 4th time)

All the while I also pacing and kept on checking the window for the restaurant near mydorm

It's to see if there're many customers, if there are I would wait a bit more because I don't want to stand around waiting and making awkward glance, an awkward conversation would be better come to think of it.

There. It's not the talking that I'm scared of.

After I got outside I would feel.. tense? anxious? or maybe paranoid or something of that nature I'm not sure

But the feeling would go away soon, often around the time I reach my destination or when I'm doing my task(like choosing btw different brand of groceries or the like)

It's still good, this time

The feeling went away as I was walking around the shop but come back as soon as I got in line, paid and walking out of the shop, which is fine that's also normal

I also have to stop at the restaurant on the next block, I decided to eat there and have a take away for dinner

I chose to eat there because that would mean less plastic you know? doing what I can to help with global warming

Even though the thought of sitting there was a bit.. sick It was fine while I was eating

Because I was doing my task(things)?

But the moment I turned away with a bag of food and my groceries in hand the feeling started to crawl up my spine and tried to curl up in my stomach again

But It's okay I didn't let it

My dorm was right there I could see it

Only a bit further and I'll be safe inside my dorm

But Nooooo

The feeling cling to me

I push it down and didn't let it settle in

My heart was still thudding in my chest even after I got inside my room

I put my things away. stored the food. changed clothes while checking if I breathed normally or not(I did, breated normally I mean or at least I think I did, despite what most people think some of us do research about thingss like this even if or when we haven't been diagnosed as having something plus I did hyperventilated/had panic attacked before or, I think it was)

But after that my heart still wouldn't return to normal and my head is a bit light and spinny still(At first I thought it was the 3 flight of stairs I have to climb but it should have gone by now, I know, not an athletic person)

That was when I realise that there something different, something wrong this time

The nagging feeling I have had since I walked outside is this

I'm more worried and scared this time

There is something wrong

I don't know what to do so I typed this down

Normally It would help make me feel better

And It did, my heart stop beating fast and weird halfway through this

Like my other notes I didn't care much about the grammar or whatever, after all the purpose is to make myself feel better

All right a bit more on this notes

After I finished this I wnt and google 'scared of going outside'

I don't think it agoraphobia or sad that I have although I do have some of the symptomps. I mean I might have one of it but from what I read I don't exactly match with some of both, I'm not scared of crowd(sad) in fact being in crowds make me feel better, the more people the better cuz that mean the less would be looking at me

And I'm not scared of open space(agora) I'm okay with parking lots and I'm not scared of being left alone(agora)

Being with some one I trust would definitely help(contradict with sad but agree with agora)

I'm not scared of public place(sad), Library is one of my sanctuary once I settled in on the new one that's it, Everyone is minding their own business, I could tuck myself btw some old textbook shelves no one would come search and read in silent, peace. Or I could go to the working space, sit on the sofa or choose one of the table and no one would care even if I have 3 thick books with me and sit there for 3 hours straight. I could even strike up some friendly and relatively non-awkward conversation with the librarian on the counter when I checked out some books, there, social requirement of the day complete. Those days that I could do this is so peaceful, I was happy.

Sadly, I had gone to Uni library only once and checked out a book, I still feel a bit uncomfortable to go there, but the feeling of contenment when I get inside would be worth it. Just. Not today. Or tmr, we got a day off for mother day and I might go home with my siblings and come back to next week on Monday or sth. (We have classes online bc of covid)

And after the mini research I feel a dizzy spell hit me

It left me reeling for a few mins before I returned normal

It could be because i stand up too fast or it could be the information in my head that's there something wrong

I don't want to have it, sad, agora or whatever

My self confident/self esttem is shit enough

I can't satnd it if i know there sth more wrong with me

I can't be more of a burden to my parents

I want to make them proud I have to

I choose this path and I know they don't hate it, they even support me on choosing to study art instead of the cliche doctor or engineer(which I hate but is my dad's life I feel so fucking bad I should have like it, I should be better at it and follow his footsteps, but I already made my choice, sometimes I regret it but even if I could go back I wouldn't change it, I can't At least I probably could be a teacher like him, teach younger people, support them I love him, and I hate him I love that he isn't just a good father, he's a good person, a good friend, a good teacher, a good brother, a good son, he's so great I don't deserved him, not me, not my mom, not my brother, not his parents, not his siblings, not that univerity And I hate him, he's always at work when I was younger, came home at 8or9 almost everyday but I also love him because despite that he still tried to make some time for us I hate him because when he started to have less works and came home earlier it's when me and my brother are growing up wanting to stay out and spend time with our friends(I hate myself) I hate him because he's so great, has been since he's young, he's so intelligent and diligent he studied hard and he got scholarship in uni to US And that was 40 years ago how impressive is that? And after he came back with straight A every uni want him but he choose that Uni because they supported him when he needed it and he chose to stay instead of go to better uni purely bacause he's a good person he feels grateful and want to repay the uni, which has shit government I hate it I hate them, there's a few years he's so stress because he has to go to the court several times on several cases and could go to jail because of those peice of shits I fucking hate them If he choose to change uni our lifes would be different I wouldn't grow up there, I wouldn't have friends that I have, I wouldn't be the person I am today and I can't blame him for choosing this. I hate him because no matter what or how much I tried I couldn't achieve half of what he has done and still doing(I hate myself I'm a disappointment) I could have gotten A or at least B+ if I studied more on math, science and sociology, but I didn't. I could have beautiful skin and thin figure if I take care of myself more, exercise more, but I didn't. I could have spend less money on books and those trinkets and save a lot of money, but I didn't, I could have make more friends and get in with the better connection and reputation clique if I conceal some part of myself and pretend a bit more, but I didn't. I could have better resume if I'm brave enough to participate in those tournament and those candidates for manythings, but I didn't. I could have been a better person, a better friend, a better student, a better daughter, but I wasn't[I couldn't be] I hate myself I don't matter I'm a disappointment)

I fucking hate crying, It never help with anything except wasting evenmore time and make my head hurt make my throat hurt of how I hold my noise in and make my eyes hurt and everything's blurry and wet.

I just broke down and typed those long ass paragraph with tears for an hour straigh. such a waste of time I should have done some exercise instead. And now I feel like shit. I know I could still do it but I also know that I won't. I would save this note, re-read it again and again maybe add sth along the way and when it's getting late I would jusst take a shower and goto bed.

At least I've lost my appetite, no dinner mean less calories I take today, skipped breakfast AND dinner? At least that compensate for today exercise(maybe) But I also know that garigarikun in the freeze will disappear into my stomach before bed. I'm such a little shit. I'm ashame of myself.

you know what I could waste a bit more time. Typing this some how remind me of the time I have an argument with my parents in highschool(or was it middle school? the memory's fuzzy)and I had panic attack or at least hyperveintilated afterward. I can't remember exactly what started the argument but I remembered that that day I was having a bad day(worse than normal) the bullying that day was worse I don't know how I acted I just remembered yelling at my father who's stress from long day at work and the court problem, we were yelling(or at least I am) and I did what I usually do. I ran, to the bedroom. I don't(never)want to have a fight with my family. He didn't follow me this time. My mom did. She came talk to me, half soothing half scolding. Saying I shouldn't have yell, I was hurting him by behave like this and after he's tired from work too. She's basically tried to make amend. But in my head at the time she was calling out on my bullshit. Saying I'm being unreasonable. I know that some of what she said is true and I don't want to fight so I tried talking, I said something like you don't understand me, And I tried using some difficult words and lines that could be seen in dramas and such to make her understand. I poured my heart out I even consider revealing the real extent of the bullying. But you know what she said? She said I read too many fictions and watch too many movies and I'm being too emotional I should stop this nonsense right now. I still could recall the feeling when she finished and it get in my head. It's not the ice bucket being pour over me. It's not the fire of rage running through my viens. It's not an arrow straight through my heart, a stab at the chest, or a feeling crawl up myspine. It's blank. blank. blank. blank, blank,blank,blank,blank,blakn,blank,blank, I feel so, so empty. It's just how I used my words, how I tried to make her understand. And this is what I got? I remembered stop talking and stuffed my face on a pillow. She's speaking a few more things but I didn't listen. I couldn't. I was breathing so hard but I think she think i was crying so she patted my back and left. I was old enough to know that's something's wrong I wasn't breating normally even for someone who's crying but at the time I still didn't know what panic attack/hyperveintilated is. I just know there's sth wrong, but I ignore it, I was hurt. I was in pain my chest is so tight(at the time I thought it's because of the pain I was feeling later I learned that it's the combination of that and the pa/h I was having) My thought kept circling around the words she said, I'm being dramatic and such. At least after that I don't want to argue anymore. I came back to myself and got out of the room, more than half an hour later. (Times didn't only flies when you're having a good time huh?, I remembered thinking that)

I think the being emotional/dramatic bit really got me. I can't help it. it's how I'm expressing myself. So what if it looking I was writing some fiction/ fake the words to make it mmore dramatic? That's how I feel.

A breakdown and an empty moment recalling in a day? that's a new record. Normally It would be one at a time and not this soon after one another. Guess I'm really stressed out. I even consider calling some emergencies depression lines but after reading some review saying it's shit I decided not to. I would be in the way of those who really do need it(I'm such a failure) and I'm not good at talking anyways, just look at how tragic it turned out to be each time I do.