#I simply cannot stress enough how weird it is for me that I ended up where I am right now

[brinnanza]

yknow I know I look quite young but I do also have Vulcan calligraphy tattooed on my body and that's not really a Tattoo Of Choice for girls in their teens and early 20s like nevermind all the other tattoos that one in particular is a tattoo you only get if you remember the 1990s so Perhaps men who have seen my thighs because I am a lifeguard could stop being quite so Shocked when I reference being a lifeguard 15 years ago

[mageofseven]

The Boys and Therapy

Let's face it; there's not a single man in Obey Me who couldn't benefit from therapy. At least three of them have daddy issues, about six of them still grieve Lilith's exit from their life (since Satan wasn't a physical person yet, I don't think he hurts over it as much as the others) at least three of them have issues non parent family issues, three of them at minimum are constantly under stress, and almost ALL of them have been through some sort of trauma.

Honestly, this list could go farther, but Imma just jump into the post~

Please enjoy 🥰

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Therapy In the Devildom

First off, I would like to explain how I see therapy in the Devildom. It's a relatively new practice in the realm, brought in by the cultural exchange program started in the first game (I cannot imagine therapy being a thing here during the time of Nightbringer since things are so chaotic and the people were still so closed-minded).

Devildom is a place where secrets are treasured more than grimm. Even a greed demon, when given the choice between a vault near-bursting with grimm or a single secret about some demonic duke, would choose the secret every time because it's intrinsic value is so much more in this realm.

So when therapy was beginning to become a practice here in the Devildom, they simply could not afford to go about it the same ways humans did; laws simply were not enough to keep the client's secrets safe.

The job of a therapist is considered a prestigious one in the Devildom, carrying with it the status of being a staunch member of the Aldatu faction (a political party in the Devildom dedicated to change and the chaos that comes with it, the 'true demon way'; they oppose the Traditionalist faction and are backed by Diavolo himself).

Such prestige made it easier for the demons pursuing these jobs to accept the innumerable amount of curses placed on them so they couldn't reveal their clients' secrets. Of course, there were checks and balances to this though. If any secret involved a severe law being broken or if the client revealed plans to hurt themself or others, they had assigned curse breakers to help them through the process.

This process helped a lot of demons feel comfortable enough to seek their services.

This is how the Boys found themselves seeking such services as well.

~

Lucifer:

This man was pushed into it by Diavolo.

The Avatar of Pride was more stressed at this time than the prince had ever seen and that is saying something.

Honestly, Dia was worried his friend was on the verge of popping out another Satan so attending therapy was non-negotiable.

His brothers were so weirded out by this turn of events. I mean, Lucifer? Talking about his feelings? To a complete stranger??? In what realm could this actually work out?

The pride demon spent most of the first couple sessions in silence; he told Lord Diavolo that he would attend such meetings, not that he would truly participate in such unnecessary--

Ok, this demon was good. Too good. The therapist had somehow tricked him into talking about some basic stressors. Nothing from the core of the oldest's pain, but some surface level things like dealing with piles of paperwork taller than himself and his brothers' usual hijinks.

Lucifer found himself looking forward to the weekly sessions, but would adamantly deny it if anyone asked.

Diavolo could tell that it was doing his friend some good though and for that, he was grateful.

I don't know if Lucifer would ever talk about anything important to the therapist and if he did, it would probably take decades a least to bring up topics like his Father and Lilith.

Still, therapy ended up being a good experience for this pride demon.

Main issue he works on in therapy: Seeing his brothers as grown ass men who need to make their own mistakes in order to learn.

This is something the pride demon struggles with. Sometimes, he has no issue letting his brothers handle their own issues; others, he hovers over them and lectures them profusely like a concerned and angry mother.

Realizes that, on some level, he doesn't actually want his brothers growing up. He's been raising them since he himself was a child after all so for them to grow up and not need him anymore...what would he do then? His life has been surrounded around them all this time. A life where they don't need him...it sounds empty and not a life he'd know how to live.

Mammon:

Was dragged there by Lucifer, who was honestly done with him after the 1200th time he tried to steal from the castle.

That was the surface reason anyway, the 'straw that broke the camel's back' so to speak

But the older brother had been thinking about sending the second brother there for a while now.

Behavioral issues aside, Lucifer knows his brother suffers from some self esteem issues and wants him to address them.

Mammon complained and treated it like a pain, but in truth, he had been thinking about going for a while, but was too embarrassed and didn't want his younger brothers giving him crap for it.

When he went to his first session, the greed demon was awkward as all hell

But his therapist really had a way of making him comfortable.

Unlike his older brother, there really wasn't a lot that was off the table for him to talk about, though the deeper topics took some cajoling from the professional.

He talked about a variety of things, from the crap he gets from his brothers and their 'scummy' comments, Lilith, memories from the Celestial realm...

Lucifer himself.

Main issue he works on in therapy: his relationship with his older brother.

As much as he cared about Lilith, this man never fought in the Celestial War for her; he fought for Lucifer. There is nothing his brother could do that he himself wouldn't jump in and help him with.

Mammon fucks up a lot and while some of those fuck ups are genuine...

Some are on purpose. For Lucifer.

I think Mammon is the only brother who truly understands the oldest and to a level that even Lucifer might not fully be aware of.

He knows, or maybe just senses, his older brother's need to be needed and gets in trouble so Lucifer will have to punish him, have to feel like Mammon still needs direction in life.

Not only that but...the second brother has come to realize just how much he needs his big brother's attention, even when it's negative.

When you boil it all down, Mammon and Lucifer's relationship has never really been that healthy.

The two depend on each other more than they are willing to admit and a lot of it isn't in a healthy way.

This was an incredibly painful realization for this man, but an important one

And one he still isn't sure if he wants to change.

Leviathan:

One of the brothers whose asses got put in therapy as soon as the practice became stable enough to be safe in the Devildom.

Agoraphophic, socially anxious, extremely low self esteem? This man needs it.

Fortunately, he was allowed to attend therapy virtually in the beginning.

He was still pretty quiet during the first session, but managed to open up a bit towards the end and had an easier time as he attended more sessions.

Levi grew to really like going to therapy because his therapist would let him talk about the things he enjoyed; he wasn't just restricted to talking about the bad and that made him feel really comfortable with the other demon.

He could start by talking about TSL and Ruri-chan before sliding into topics like his insecurities and things his brothers do on a regular day that make him feel bad about himself.

He talked about The Fall and the life he lived before it; what he missed, what he hated, what he desperately wished he had back...

And came to the conclusion that he didn't so much miss or even care about the Celestial realm. It was nothing more than a controlling, hypocritical place after all.

What he did miss was his childhood, where being his awkward, silly self was encouraged instead of judged.

Main issue he works on in therapy: Loving himself despite whatever other think or however he perceives their opinion of him to be.

Leviathan is great how he is and the main person who needs to understand that is himself.

Satan:

Oh boy, this man was difficult to drag there 😅

Anything Satan thinks might insinuate that he is 'broken' is too big of an insult to tolerate.

It took some real encouragements and long talks with MC to even humor the idea of going

But he did, eventually.

Was very adamant about not speaking to the therapist during the first session, but his anger got the better of him and he said a lot, some actually being productive and not just name calling and threats slewed at the poor therapist.

Another brother whose first sessions were online, though more so for the therapist's safety than Satan's own comfort.

Eventually, Satan realized the sessions were actually beneficial for him and liked how much lighter they made him feel

So the threats towards the other demon diminished and the sessions became calmer.

Occasionally he would snap at the poor therapist again and would actually feel bad about

But the therapist would forgive him because look! Progress!

Avoids talking about Lucifer for the longest time, but eventually brings up his issues about his...father with the other demon.

His existential issues and his feelings about his father where all twisted together, making him so very sensitive about it all.

By being born the way he was, Satan was brought into this world as a complete mess. Emotions so strong that even a grown man couldn't deal with suddenly forced upon a small and helpless babe.

Satan grew up tortured by anger and pain that wasn't even his and it formed him into the man he was today; it wasn't fair, but he grew to accept that Lucifer truly didn't do it on purpose

But those thoughts just led to him feeling unwanted, a burden thrusted upon Lucifer and his brothers that they had to deal with.

That only made the blonde even more compelled to find himself an identity outside of Lucifer, outside of being the a life who was forced from his body with all of the former trauma he carried.

Just who was he? For years, he collected knowledge and hoped it'd bring him purpose, bring him respect from others and be seen as his own person, but it never made him feel more complete.

He still didn't understand most emotions that he wasn't born with, even when they overwhelmed him.

Main issue he works on in therapy: Understanding his emotions, both what he's feeling and why, and also becoming more comfortable with himself.

Asmodeus:

Told his brothers he was going to therapy to keep himself "just as beautiful on the inside as he was on the outside"

But in truth, he started going because he wanted to be a good influence on his brothers and show them that therapy really isn't all that scary and it could help them too.

In truth, Asmo didn't realize just how vulnerable it would make him feel though.

When he got too uncomfortable, he'd change the topic or try flirting with them to distract them, but his therapist always kept him on track.

He spoke a lot about the Celestial realm, all of the great times that he had there, but grew to understand that it wasn't truly the place he missed, but the time.

After all, it was a lot easier to keep smiles on his on his siblings' faces back when they were all kids and Asmo himself was the Jewel of the Heavens.

Since moving to the Devildom and losing Lilith...it's become so much harder to make his brothers happy and even he himself has to force himself to be positive for their sakes.

That's always been his job, raising his brothers' spirits and he took it just as seriously as Lucifer took his job of protecting them and Mammon and Beel took supporting Lucifer.

Main issue he works on in therapy: Learning that its okay to not be okay sometimes, both in regards to himself and his brothers, and that he's not responsible for his brothers' emotional states.

Sometimes people just need to be sad and that's okay! No one can be happy all the time and if his brothers are going through a tough time, he can support them without taking responsiblity for the rough time they're in.

Beelzebub:

Joined a couple days after Asmo did; he understood his other man's message and signed up for therapy himself in order to be a good influence on their other brothers.

Their family was a mess; Beel knew this all too well.

If going to therapy and talking about the mess from his perspective could help his brothers in any way, especially with encouraging Belphie to do the same, then this man will go with no hesitation.

This demon is naturally the quiet sort so it's a bit difficult to truly start the process despite his willingness, but he eventually gets into the flow of all of it.

Mostly talks about The Fall, how he lost his sister and the guilt he feels towards both her and Belphie.

Sometimes he wonders if he made the right choice in saving Belphie despite knowing he never truly made one; when he saw what that Celestial archer was about to do and Belphie's eyes met his own...he just ran to his brother without thinking, causing the archer to choose to shoot Lilith instead.

That moment changed everything for his family and so much suffering followed...

He's grateful that event led to MC's eventual birth, but the guilt he carries from pain he caused his brothers is immeasurable.

If only he could have saved both, if only MC could have still been born if he did...

There was so much he wished.

Main issue he works on in therapy: Trying not to carry the past with him every second of the present. Though tragic, the past is the past and he has so many reasons to be happy in the present.

It will take a long time working on this issue to make some good progress with it, but what matters is that he is trying just like he hopes his other brothers will.

Belphegor:

Another brother who was forced into therapy by Lucifer.

This man has been extremely depressed in the most obvious way possible for centuries so of course he needs therapy.

Really, really fought it to the point where he was escaping the therapy sessions out the bathroom window and Lucifer would have to track him down at a shop or sleeping on bench in a random park.

It made things easier when Beel started to go therapy though. Seeing Beel take the time to work on his issues made the younger twin feel like he should be trying too...

But he still didn't like it.

He was very, very slow in opening up. Like, I'm talking months of just talking about trivial shit till finally he grew more comfortable to truly speak his mind about what he's gone through.

His survivor's guilt was strong and he truly believes he shouldn't be alive, not when his little sister was gone...

Therapy really cut open some old wounds and for awhile, it seemed like this man was more depressed than ever.

Slowly though, he became stronger from it all and the past started to hurt just a little less.

He loved Lilith with every ounce of his being, but carrying this guilt was not going to bring her back nor would she have wanted him to feel guilty.

Main issue he works on in therapy: Letting the dead rest and himself truly rest as well. Yes, Lilith is gone, but she lived a happy life as a human with the person she loved. His loss was her gain and if you have to lose at all, isn't this the best scenario? That someone you love was happy and free and had their dreams come true?

This issue might take a demonic lifetime to work through, but little bits of progress are made every day and his brothers grow to see that in him

And for now, that's enough.

Diavolo:

Attending therapy was something stuck on this prince's mind for some time now.

It stayed that was for a long time without even speaking it aloud.

Eventually, he did bring it up to Barbatos and his friend heard him out so patiently.

Barb has always sought to be a comfort to the prince, but recognized that he was not a professional so there was very little he could do in the long term for him.

The butler told him that therapy sounds like a good idea and that believes Dia could get a lot out of it.

Though Diavolo is usually a pretty expressive guy, that really didn't extend to strangers who he was paying to listen to him.

He went slow with the therapist, first only speaking about his workload and how almost every moment of his life was planned out for him because of said workload

Then it lead to his father's deep slumber, the very cause of all the responsibility that was dropped on him

And eventually led to him talking about the strict childhood that his father gave him and how he grew up without his mother

And just how incredibly lonely he has always been.

The arrival of Lucifer definitely helped with that last part, but the prince still wished he wasn't so sheltered and alone while growing up.

Main issue he works on in therapy: time management and how to make the most out of the present.

There was so much of life he missed out on when he was younger, but it didn't have to be like that forever.

With the help of both his therapist and Barb, he was able to manage his time a lot better and make the most of his time off by trying new experiences.

It was easier to handle his past when his present became so much more fulfilling.

Barbatos:

Only really went at Diavolo's request.

In truth, the butler felt that therapy was unnecessary for himself, but wanted to give the prince some peace of mine so he agreed.

His opinion of therapy doesn't change no matter how long he goes.

He starts going once a week at Diavolo's insistence

And mostly talks about the stress he feels with looking out for the man.

He looks young so even other demons assume he is either about Diavolo's age or younger.

In truth, he is older than the prince and has been looking out for him since Dia was a small child.

Barbatos has essentially filled the roll of second parent since Dia's mother died in childbirth.

Though a butler, his role used to be more of a nanny; he cared greatly for the man who was currently drowning in the responsiblity and has spent so long just trying to make life easier for him

Resulting in Barbatos neglecting himself over the years for the sake of the prince.

Main issue he works on in therapy: setting some time aside for himself.

Because of his job, Dia will always need Barbatos to some degree

But the prince is also a grown man now and can function as such without Barb being there 24/7

Starts taking one day off a week and attends therapy once a month, something that makes both Barb and Dia feel better.

Solomon:

Honestly, most people don't know he attends therapy and that's how he prefers it.

He never really thought much of therapy, not in regards to himself anyway.

For other people? It was a useful tool. For him? He simply believed he's been around too long for it to help.

I mean, he was literally born in 990 B.C.E.

He was older than even some of the demons he interacted with.

He was unique, but that didn't feel as much of a good thing as he pretended it was.

His existence was a lonely one, but he hid such thoughts away.

He started going to therapy because of Simeon, because of his angel friend's gentle nudges to do so, and eventually he caved.

He went to weekly sessions and was honestly more uncomfortable than he directly expressed to his therapist.

The sorcerer always kept a light smile on his face, even when he talked about the immortality that he never wanted

Because he didn't want it.

In truth, he doesn't really remember much before he became immortal. A side effect the experiment gone wrong, he assumed, because surely he didn't purposely do this to himself.

He vaguely remembers being a king in the Human realm, a job he never wanted but was thrusted upon him buy the angels' Father, who Solomon himself worshipped at the time.

Other than that...his memory of that time is very fuzzy and it's always bothered him.

He just carries around this feeling that...that he's forgetting something important

While also carrying another, even greater feeling, that he doesn't want to know

But at the same time, he does! It's been driving him mad for thousands of years.

It felt like he had lost part of himself when he became immortal and it hurt just as much as the pain he felt from loosing others in his life from time.

Main issue he talks about in therapy: Stressing himself out about the past won't help him now or in the future. Yes, his life is long and he is tired, but the best way to cope is by seeking new experiences that make life worth living

Which he tries hard at...but can't help the tug at his brain that seems to want him to remember the past

And whoever 'Naamah' was.

Simeon:

Decided to go after convincing Soli to do so.

Simeon as his own problems, same as his human friend, and worried he might be perceived as a hippocrite if he didn't try to work on his own as well.

Very much wanted to be seen as a person who takes his own advice, so to speak

But therapy wasn't an easy thing for him.

I mean, he's an angel. It's his job to help others, guide them into making safe and healthy choices for themselves

So to be the one being helped instead of the helper was really new to him and felt very unangelic of him.

Main issue he talked about: growing so attached to the Devildom.

I mean, this place was as different from the Celestial realm as anything could be and he was taught that it was such a bad place because of it

But that didn't match his own experience here and that caused him to feel so conflicted.

The Devildom was a place of freedom while the Celestial realm was a place of order

And though, like most angels, he found comfort in that order, he also saw beauty in the chaos of the Devildom

Simeon has to grow to understand that life isn't in black and white, that things don't have to be only one or the other.

Both the Devildom and the Celestial realm can be good places despite being opposites

And it's a lesson he was so grateful for learning, feeling like he was really helping himself grow as a person and as an angel too.

Luke:

After being in the Devildom for a while, the small angel had become more quiet, distracted even

And it worried his guardian, especially when the child wouldn't talk about it with him.

Simeon eventually enrolled Luke in therapy, something that was so new to the child that his curiosity made him open to trying it.

Since he was still just a child, his sessions weren't the same as it was for the men on this list.

Instead, Luke was brought into a room full of different toys and told he could play with whatever he wanted as long as he answered the therapist's questions as he did so.

The angel was a bit apprehensive at first, but so grew to enjoy his visits to the therapist.

He often chose to make fake sweets out of play dough or draw while the therapist talked to him

And would often bring the drawings home to PH as gifts for Simeon and Solomon.

Simeon always hung the pictures on the fridge with a proud smile on his face

While Soli would hang them up in his room on the wall to the point where he was taking down the expensive paintings that came with the room in favor of giving the child more space to fill with his art.

Main issue he talked about: growing to like the demons around him while also worrying Michael won't like him anymore if he knew Lukey was friends with them.

The child tried so hard to keep to the belief that demons are bad just like Michael taught him. He really, really tried

But he had a lot of fun here in the Devildom, especially baking with Barbatos, who the small angel started to see as his best friend, but was too scared to admit it.

Would Michael not like him if he found out Luke is friends with the demon butler?

His therapist ends up helping him see that it's always good to make friends and often the bad reactions we think those around us would give about something is often just our brain scaring us.

Ends up talking about this Simeon when he gets home after this session.

The older angel held him close and told him that the therapist is right, that it's always good to make friends and that he has nothing to worry about.

The next time he bakes with Barbatos, he tells the demon how he feels, how he sees him as his very best friend and how he looks up to him.

Barb smiled at the child and patted his head, telling Luke that he sees him as a good friend as well

And the child spent the rest of the baking session blushing and hanging off the older man.

[beneathh-the-brine]

Hi so I know this is some of the most autistic shit ever autismed but

I wanna rant violently about 'Partygoer redesigns' today, and how a lot people kinda mess up with them. This may have some salt to it so bear with me:

I've seen so many people redesign Partygoers, but a lot of them just- don't really seem to understand what makes a Partygoer a Partygoer? It's not just the name y'know! Here's a list of notable features to KEEP when making a Partygoer redesign or headcanon design! Despite being termed 'redesign', they should NEVER stray too far from the original source or no one is gonna know what you drew!

The boxy head. I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH how important this is to not forget. The image below is using my style of Partygoer, but it should get the message across well enough. It can be a rounded box, have slight skeletal features etc, but it NEEDS TO STAY BOXY. You can't make it round, you can't make it a diamond or a normal human head shape, it NEEDS to be boxy or else you are taking a VITAL aspect of Partygoers away! They also don't have noses really! NO HAIR EITHER, NUH UH!

Boxy heads are essential to Partygoer drawings!

The eyes. The eyes must be slits in some way or have some form of sign they can be stylized as slits. Partygoer eyes usually vaguely resemble the = part of the =) smiley emoticon. You don't need to keep strictly to the blank emoticon, you can make them show all sorts of emotions, just keep the slit eyes! It can go all the way up the head like my examples, or just end at the slits alone!

Eye examples, not limited to these expressions, they can be just as expressive as any other species too!

The hand mouths! VERY VERY IMPORTANT. Partygoers simply aren't Partygoers without their hand mouths! You can make them not visible on a ref, but make sure to include in notes that they do in fact exist!

Lamprey hand mouths are valid too! I just prefer to draw the hand mouths like this!

Hope ya'll liked my weird sickness-induced Partygoer rant, follow me for more spontaneous bullshit!

[quirkle2]

I was wondering if there are any rare happy ritsu moments in ur zombie au since hes always miserable I think,, like is he always miserable or is he happy/not miserable and feeling kinda good sometimes?

VWHDGDGD NO YEAH OFC HE'S HAPPY SOMETIMES im just horrible and enjoy putting him through misery

ive never been able to get a genuine smile to look right on his face in my art style either i think thats part of it. as ive said his face is just built to be mildly uncomfortable and bothered and i lean into it sm it's starting to get kinda funny

but yes ritsu is happy plenty! i think, canonically, he just seems like the type of person to me that tends to turn lemonade back into lemons. he's easy to scare and his first reaction to things is often Dread and Anxiety. he dwells on the negatives a lot and seems to be a "hope for the best, expect the worst," kinda guy, but there's a section in this post abt shigeo always loving the little things in life, and ritsu steadily learns throughout the journey on how to do that and how healing it can rly be. even if he had to grow up too fast during this whole thing and learn things a kid should never have to, the journey also gave him some good insight and lessons in other places! ritsu is smart, he figures it all out

in terms of little things here n there he's the happiest lil guy on the planet when he finds one of his favorite foods—swings his legs while he sits and munches on a kitkat bar like he's got absolutely nothin in the world to worry abt. sometimes mob does smth funny that he laughs at; for the longest time i've had this silly image in my head of mob accidentally knocking down a bucket from a store shelf and it lands on his head and he just kinda stands there and makes noises.when the noises continue out of pure curiosity about the weird echoey quality it's giving them ritsu cannot help but lose it

besides tiny things tho, when tome comes around ritsu in general is a lot happier, just cuz he has somebody to talk to that will actually respond in some way. they're sorta reluctant partners in crime at first (at least on ritsu's end) but over time and over bonding they grow to rly like each other's presence. they bicker constantly but it's almost always fond eventually, and they shove each other and playfight until mob gets antsy enough to get worked up about it. rly, tome is a godsend to ritsu's mental health—after months and months of being effectively alone with his thoughts, he finally has another person to converse with. a person His Age, too!

tome is rly good at knowing when ritsu is thinkin himself into oblivion and she's Also rly good at being the most annoying girl on the planet to yank him outta that and replace any misery with Oh My God Get Off Me You Freak. she doesn't even do this on purpose at first, but over time she learns how to tell when he's thinking too hard and, ofc, she's grown attached and she cares, so she's as obnoxious as possible to lighten the mood

when they find reigen n teru, ritsu gradually gets Much happier still. now that he knows they're safe and the gang is finally back together (and now that there's an Adult present and he can relax a lil and let himself be taken care of) his stress levels r exponentially lowered. having teru back is another instant lift to his mood—im always a big fan of teru and ritsu friendship, and i think adding tome to their dynamic simply makes it more chaotic. truly a trio of the 3 most normal teenagers in existence which will surely bring nothing but good (reigen sweats offscreen)

actually this makes me feel bad for forever torturing him im gonna go draw happy zau ritsus brb ,.,.ok imback <3

[writingrenna]

Hassel x GN!Reader

"Where The Heart Is"

A story where you start to actively pay attention to the specific brand of weird Hassel throws your way.

I admit, I didn't finish most of the friendship quests because I WANT MORE OF HIM, WHY DO CHARACTERS JUST DISAPPEAR/BECOME GENERIC NPCS WHEN THEY'RE DONE BEING IN THE STORY?? I want to truly engross myself in his backstory, so I'll be taking things slow. Don't mind me, just dragging out the inevitable </3

I WILL be taking advantage of his rematches, thank you very much.

ALSO this takes place three years after the end of the game so your expy has time to be hired and get to know Hassel, you work as one of the academy librarians!

Tone/Ending: Slightly Angsty At Parts, Wholesome, Romantic

Warnings: If you're sensitive to rough family situations, be warned! Hassel is very firm with no longer associating with his family and it's hinted at that his childhood wasn't the best, but the story doesn't dwell on that yet, I'm exploring that more later

Also, beware the movie and Hassel's painting sections, especially if the Iron Giant makes you sad

Word Count: A little bit over 5,000

^^^>

"You're... really sure about this, huh?" You say into your mug.

The steam from your tea gently tickled your nose as you considered what he said. The two of you were standing at the back of the staff room, both leaning against a window each on opposite sides of the bookshelf. The rain was fairly loud, but it served more as a gentle white noise to your conversation than anything.

"Yes, I simply cannot imagine an outcome that would make reaching back out again worth it."

You couldn't see his face, but the sadness in his tone was evident, so you took note of that.

"Ah, I know how that feels." You say, remembering some sour relationship conclusions where the other person reached out again or seemed to linger a bit more than they should. But his story... holy Tauros, it was something else.

"Well, do you think you're happy here in Paldea?" You begin. "I mean, would you consider seeing more of the world from time to time? Maybe even visit your home region again?"

He paused, taking in your question. He then huffed a little out of his nose, although it didn't seem to be out of annoyance.

"Well, I have lightly entertained the idea of just visiting my homeland again, but I just..." He paused. "Something is holding me back."

Your face dropped from attentive neutrality to one of sadness for him.

"Hey, no, that's valid of course! I was just wondering where you stood, you know? Like, after escaping all that and starting anew here? I'll stop asking if you like, though."

He immediately rebutted your offer.

"Nonsense, my dear. I do not mind your curiosity. I am aware my familial ties are... strange."

You can almost feel him stare into his mug in self-reflection, the one with the hand-drawn Gossifleur design a student made him that he had printed on. The one he proudly owned and tearfully showed off to every member of staff who happened to walk by if he had it at the time until the entire combined workforce of both the academy and the league knew about it. His favorite mug...

Him speaking up snapped you out of your trance.

"Ah, and about your first question. Truth be told, I do not have enough time to even imagine seeing more of the world, much less experience it. Between the academy and my duties with the elite four, my schedule is simply swamped! I sadly do not even remember the last time I had an extended break."

You frowned, looking down at your own mug. The one you spun yourself after classes on a day that Hassel had done a lesson in properly handling clay, donated courtesy of Brassius. He gave you a chance to throw down and de-stress as he cleaned the rest of the classroom since you had an especially rough day reorganizing books in the massive entrance hall. It wasn't perfect, but it was your own pride and joy, one he had cried upon seeing you finally use one spring morning.

"Oh! But do not pity me, I really and truly do love working with our students and giving it my all in the league. My classes remind me of the joy and wonder one feels while appreciating the beauty the world has to offer, even during those darker days. The future is bright for all our students! And these dragon Pokémon..." He paused. "They were always there for me despite my family's less-than accepting stance on my life choices. I have nothing but praise and gratitude to show them all."

You smiled, looking down a little as you let his words reverberate in your mind. You were going to ask him another question, only for him to completely derail your train of thought.

"Besides... there are many a thing here to make me feel well and truly at home."

You could hear a great warmth in his voice when he said this. You pondered on this, wondering if he meant to hint at something there when you notice the rain had stopped.

"Hey, the rain's gone!" You said before departing from the window. You stretch, careful not to accidentally spill the contents of your mug as you do so. You then walk forward a bit, looking over at your colleague as you do so.

You can't help but pause, however, at the way he stared longingly at the mug.

His eyes were transfixed on the last bit of tea left, swirling the liquid in his hands. His usual piercing eyes were replaced with a far more softened gaze, pupils large and unfocused.

He glanced up at you, smirking, although it was out of contentment. You couldn't help but focus on his blush. He was obviously thinking about something, but what ?? The way he stared at you from below his eyelids, refusing to lift his head more, but still giving you his undivided attention made you feel... strange.

'What is this man thinking?'

Despite taking in every little thing you could about his strange behavior, the moment really only lasted a few seconds before he chuckled softly, sitting up straight himself.

"Ah, well then." He softly intoned. "We should probably head out. Would you..."

He rubbed the back of his neck.

"...do me the honor of... of letting me walk you outside?"

^^^>

The rain-kissed streets of Mesagoza smelled fresh, and the warmth in the air left you without the need of a jacket, so you decided to forego wearing it. Hassel seemingly felt the same way, taking his coat off and draping it over his right arm before gently placing his left dominant hand over top it, as if caressing it. He took a deep breath, eyelids closed and fluttering.

"Ahh... smell that evening air. The world has been rinsed clean and emerges anew!"

You smiled up at him. He truly did seem to appreciate every little thing this world had to offer, good or bad.

"Hah! Yeah, I love the smell of rain. Very cozy, makes me feel all peaceful and stuff."

You suddenly remembered something.

"O-oh! And did you know? The word describing that comfy smell of rain after a dry season is 'petrichor'!"

He looked at you, head tilted down and to the side at you, his wide eyes showing his astonishment.

"I did not! Thank you for enlightening me, I now know a far simpler way to describe this feeling."

You beamed up at him, eyes closing momentarily as you grinned a toothy grin. When your eyes opened again, his face had an enchanted smile. That blush... it was back.

A coincidence, surely.

You decided to pretend you didn't notice.

"Oh, hey! It's a nice evening. Would you like to take a little walk?"

You bow slightly, looking up at him and offering your hand. He flinches slightly, eyes widening again as his face erupted in a deeper hue.

"Uh, y-yes. Yes I would."

He hastily grabs your hand and moves to face forward, avoiding your gaze. The man was probably in his early-to-mid 50's or 60's, but his voice audibly cracked. You didn't mention it, however, much to his relief.

^^^>

Here you are, splashing and kicking about in some puddles. You brought rain boots with you to keep at the school because the weather seemed to change at a sneeze in Paldea, but you really didn't mind. You loved the rain. You also loved having company, even super posh and serious company. You called for your companion.

"C'MON, HASS! WHY NOT GET YOUR PANTS WET THIS ONE TIME!?"

He was leaning away, seemingly trying to protect his suit jacket.

"Er... I would rather not have to deal with dry cleaning for a few minutes of rebellion..."

You understood, although a part of you just wanted to see the man act like a child again. So you walked off to stare out into the distance, 'hmm'ing to yourself as you came up with an idea. This worried Hassel, who backed up a bit.

"My dearest, what is on your mind? I'm not sure I feel comfortable with your suspicious little 'hmm's..."

You let out a mischievous little cackle before turning your upper half back towards him. His nervous smiling face screams 'oh Arceus, save me!', yet he remains glued in place. He seems ready to bolt at any second, however.

"Oh, nothing." You start, turning to walk toward the man, whose nervous smile wavers a bit to being more worried.

"But I will break you."

He lets out a shakey noise, but he remains.

"Ah, well, it is alright. No need for, um, breaking." He grins. "I am quite content simply watching you enjoy yourself."

He seemed genuine. You groaned.

"Oh, I am still breaking you, sir." You point a finger at him, waggling it a little as you turn and walk away, although you don't retract it, simply shaking it to your side. "Juuuust you wait."

He 'hmmph's, shaking his head in amusement.

"I see, I am..."

He mumbles an 'Oh bother...' under his breath before continuing.

"...interested... to see whatever you have planned for the night."

You freeze. You didn't actually stop to think about when you'd "break" him. But tonight definitely works.

"Good. Cause it's gonna be WIIIIILD."

^^^>

It certainly was not nearly as wild as Hassel expected. Here you were, popping popcorn as he sat under a blanket fort in your living room. A part of you expected him to be giddy, feeling that childlike wonder take over.

But the logical part of you predicted his bewildered expression, silently staring up and around at the neon lights you hung about the dark room.

"So." he began. "What exactly did you have in mind?"

"Oh, I wanna remind you of what it's like to be a kid again! Let loose, man!" You did a strange little shimmying dance as you said this.

His eyes widened, although it was different than before.

"Really now?"

"Yes, really!"

The popcorn was finally done, so you put it in a large bowl before going over and putting it on the floor beside him.

"It's movie night now! Your choice..." You said, holding up several cases with classic movies.

The Little Primarina, The Pyroar King, even Revavrooms were available for him to choose from. He carefully looked them over, his usual neutral expression on his face as he seemed to seriously consider which movie to watch. It was kinda funny, your stomach compressing a little to hide a laugh that was threatening to come up. He didn't seem to notice however, instead pointing to one, looking back up at you in the process.

"That one looks promising."

^^^>

He chose poorly. Or at least, he chose one he wasn't prepared for. You watched as tears spilled from his eyes, him constantly shaking his head and whispering "no" over and over with the covers pulled up over his nose. The Steel Ultra Beast really did a number on him, watching the mysterious entity (who we now know as Celesteela) sacrifice itself to save its new friends from an Ultra Wormhole a secret branch of the government tried to seize, but instead caused to collapse. He yelped when it said to itself "Palafin." He couldn't bare to watch the climax, sobbing pitifully while squeezing his eyes shut, looking down and repeatedly chomping down on the blanket you two shared.

"It's Ok, Hass..." You said, rubbing his shoulder.

You had tried to warn him, but in all fairness, it'd take a lot of effort to properly warn anyone of the emotions involved watching it without spoiling the entire movie.

He leaned into you, his eyes still closed, tears still managing to escape.

"Th-thank you, my dearest..." He sniffles.

You felt bad for even having it as an option, but then again, he seemed to enjoy it despite the... sorrowful conclusion. You gave him a little while to let it all out, holding him tight and rubbing his back as he bawled his eyes out into your shoulder. You were so sucked up in comforting him that you almost forgot-

Gasp!

You sat up abruptly, although you hold onto Hassel so he's still lying on you.

"The ending scene!"

He's teary-eyed, but he looks over to the TV screen.

"The ending has not happened yet?"

"No! Or at least, not the true ending."

You smirk and look down at him like a Purrloin caught stealing but absolutely not regretting it, although his eyes are still sad. Either way, he kept watching, when...

"It... it is rebuilding itself?"

"Yeah! I mean, the movie never got a sequel, which sucks, but hey! Open-ended bittersweet endings are one of my favorite kinds!"

He seemed to feel slightly better, sniffling a bit as he sat up and wiped his nose.

"Ah, I-I see..." He said, slowly calming himself down. He took a few deep breaths before turning to you.

You feel the need to apologize.

"Hey, sorry I, uh, brought that movie out in the first place."

He looked at you, a weak smile on his face.

"Do not apologize, my dear! I can see why you and many others consider it a cult-classic. It was a marvellous story despite the turmoil in my heart. Perhaps even partially because of it."

He seemed hesitant to say the next part, sitting with his legs up to his chest.

"I, um, had a fantastic time with you tonight."

He turned to look at you, eyes sparkling due to the light of the TV.

"Really, I did."

There was so much warmth in his tear-stained face.

"I'm glad! I just wanted to see you let your guard down, haha!"

"Ah, I see..." He said, eyes darting to the side as he turned away, contemplation on his face.

The two of you sat in silence for a moment as he thought on what all just happened. You decided to close your eyes, lightly humming a tune to yourself. It wasn't one that existed, or even made sense really, but it was your own little melody.

"Ah, I have always wondered, is that a song you like?"

"Hehe, nah, just a melody I made up one day."

"Oh. It is very pleasant." He smiled.

"Thank you!" You smiled back.

^^^>

He had gone home later that night after you forced him to stay for pizza and a few episodes of a show you used to watch. He went for a salad instead, not wishing to feel sluggish on his way home, although you got him to eat one singular solitary slice. All-in-all, it was a very good night. You got him to smile and laugh again despite watching such a sad movie just an hour before.

It was now Friday, three days later. You knew he'd have something special planned for his students today, as he did every other Friday. You wondered what it'd be as you reorganized the shelf housing the Occulture Magazine again. You idly wondered how accurate the entries were when you heard a bell.

"Oh, classes are out already?"

You had already kept up with what the students in the entrance hall were up to that day, since there weren't many there to really pick up after, so really, all you had to do was a final check of the catalog you started earlier so you could pop by and see what Hassel had done that evening.

It took a bit over 30 minutes to wrap everything up, but you finished, signing out of your work computer and making your way over to the art room.

When you reached the door, you heard a familiar tune. You wondered what it was, before suddenly realizing something: it's the tune you hum! He remembered it? Has he hummed it before?

You entered the classroom, prepared to ask him how he remembered the erratic tune so well when you decided to see if he was in a state to even be distracted. Hassel was sitting at a desk, adding various dots with the aid of a thin paintbrush to a canvas he had. You assumed it was glitter or stars.

He looked up at you, neutral expression turning into a huge grin.

"Oh, my darling! Come over here! I have something I'd like to show you!"

You did as he said, coming over as he himself stood up to meet you at the other side of the desk.

He held up a painting, and by Arceus was it gorgeous. It was of Celesteela, flying into space, a content look on its face despite the doom looming over it.

"I used this as an example for today's lesson." He began. "I was inspired by our movie night earlier this week. I thought of the many pieces of media that make one feel things, the images and words that truly stick with you that came from another mind, how we often analyze and relate to them. So I decided to base this Friday's special on that very concept! Everyone was allowed to draw and paint their own favorite scenes from the movies, shows, and games they enjoy."

You nodded, still taking in all the details of his painting. He based it off a real photo of Celesteela, a sorta modern "glow up" of sorts that make the familiar scene truly pop.

He continued.

"This piece was meant to represent the acceptance Celesteela showed during the climax of the film. How it smiled despite facing what it thought at the time was oblivion. How it..." He swallowed and blinked harshly a few times. "...it would do anything for... the ones they lub... w-without he... hesi-"

You put a hand on his shoulder, smiling. The man looked back down at you, obviously on the brink of tears as he swallowed and sniffled a bit.

"Heh... I suppose you wouldn't need my analysis, seeing as though that tape of yours was so well-loved."

He had taken note of how the label on the tape wasn't perfectly pristine.

You scoffed, playfully rolling your eyes.

"Yeah, well..." You continued to look off to the side. "I like it when things make me feel things."

He softly laughed, a few stray tears finally escaping. He closed his eyes while leaning his head back for a moment.

"Yes, I can tell. You seem to enjoy learning about descriptive words and how specific they can get..."

He trailed off before wiping his tears away, finally looking down at you again.

"Well, speaking of, would you like to... accompany me at my booth for the academy's upcoming fair? It would be nice to teach people more ways to express themselves and how they feel about the things they consume. It is truly saddening to see people keep their opinions to themselves simply because they do not know how to accurately bring their thoughts into the world. And as a self-proclaimed 'word nerd', your area of expertise would be an excellent addition to my own inspiration station, alleviating the frustration they feel and helping them dig up what they feel inside."

You blinked. Hassel, the Hassel wanted to work with you? You thought he was far more articulate than you, often gnawing at what he says in your mind and trying to emulate that vibe in your emails. I mean, you often said "lmao" in real life. Having an interest in words sadly didn't make you a wordsmith of any sort. Did he see something in the way you speak or express yourself that you didn't?

"I'll d-do it."

Woah, how nervous were you? Or, rather, how eager were you?

Hassel's golden eyes shone as he grinned, ecstatic at your 'yes'.

"Ah, do not worry, my dear! You will do amazingly, I just know it."

Looks like you're gonna need to break out the thesaurus.

^^^>

It was the afternoon of the "Treasures Within" fun fair. Hassel's booth was really fun, he'd do his usual demo thing while also personally helping people start their artistic journeys when they didn't quite know where to go after each session. His advice came from a place that personally helped him cope and start his life anew in his past, although he didn't delve into just how it helped, only that he understands the struggle.

As for you, if someone wanted to articulate exactly how they felt about a piece of art or music, you'd hold a "mind unraveling" session, where you picked out certain themes they repeated or tried to go deeper in until they felt confident in describing what it is they feel with words that felt right. You thanked yourself for having the forethought to read up and watch a bunch of impassioned speeches online ahead of time.

It was a month of you hiding your anxiety from Hassel, but you can tell he knew, as he not-so-subtly tended to your every unspoken need, such as making tea whenever you were too busy reading, or having a comfy spot prepared whenever you came to his room to discuss your plans. He would even manage to check in on you more often than usual despite needing to tend to things on his own end.

Nothing could really get past him, could it?

As you were finishing up helping a kid who wanted to express just why he loved a drawing where Regieleki and Xurkitree became friends so much, you turn to see Hassel already looking at you, a familiar fond smile on his face.

"I would say today was a success, no?"

You pause for a split second, although you're not sure why. You respond, however.

"Oh yeah, for sure! I'd say we make a great team, even!"

Now it was Hassel's turn to pause, although his is far more noticeable. Jolting slightly, his mouth suddenly presses together into a tight line as a blush erupts on his face. He pretends to not realize this, although he looks tense.

"I certainly agree, my dear-"

His voice momentarily rises in pitch as he abruptly chokes and doubles over at the end, turning away. It sounded genuine, although you wondered if it'd have happened if you didn't say what you did.

You couldn't help but look back on all his odd behaviors around you lately.

"Um, yes!"

You turn to a vendor.

"I'm..."

You momentarily turn back to the man, pointing over your shoulder to the stand.

"I'm gonna go get some juice. For you, specifically."

You then turn and leave without another word.

^^^>

It was night. The fun fair has long since been cleared out in Mesagoza, but the two of you were nowhere near the town anymore. In fact, you were on top of the lighthouse on Poco Path.

Your eyes were closed, taking in that sea breeze. You cooed softly as you felt the gentle wind cut through the otherwise muggy night. Despite the humidity, it felt nice, reminding you of summer nights as a child.

Your train of thought came to an abrupt halt at this realization, however.

What was the weather like where Hassel used to live?

You opened your eyes, slowly turning toward the man, who also had his own closed. He had a calm smile on his face. You didn't want to ruin it, but you couldn't help but feel bad. He left all that was familiar to him due to circumstances he couldn't control, at the hands of his own family, no less. You wondered if he had any particular places, feelings, or things he missed, but you decided to ask a different question.

"...hey, uh... Hass?"

His smile widened for a split-second before he responded, eyes still closed.

"Yes, my dear?"

You didn't know how to begin.

"Does this weather make you think of anything?"

His smile fell to a neutral frown as he thought.

"Hm. What do you mean?"

How do you ask this question without annoying him...?

"L-like, this weather reminds me of summer break, when I'd open my window past my usual bedtime and stare at the stars. Does this weather make you feel nostalgic in any way? Like, sentimental and peaceful and stuff?"

You look down, stretching the bottom hem of your top a little. "It's just an intense feeling I'm getting, sorry."

He takes a moment to ponder this question.

"Ah, no worries. We often feel the need to relate with others in regards to our intense feelings and emotions. But to answer your question, it does, yes."

This answer both relieved and confused you further. He seemed fine answering, but it was somewhat vague. You decided not to push it, however, just glad he didn't take it the way you thought he might (not that it'd be wrong if he didn't want to answer it at all.)

"Right on, man. Right on..."

You turned away and stared back out into the distance. The silence that swept over the scene felt loose, fluid, running through and around the two of you like some unknown substance.

You weren't sure if you should add anything onto the conversation, but his voice decided what would happen instead.

"I... have a confession to make, actually."

You froze.

"Yeah?"

He took a deep breath.

"That feeling you often speak of, the one where you feel a lightness in your chest and peace wash over you. A peaceful sadness, even, I do not really feel when I think of 'home' anymore. I feel nothing. "

You take his words in. It made sense, really, but it made you sad beyond belief.

He continued.

"Yes, that feeling of longing, a-and belonging, I know it may be hard to truly grasp, but trust me when I say I am fine with my decisions, that I cannot say I regret leaving my old life behind even if I do miss certain aspects of it from time to time. The negatives here far outweigh the positives there."

You nodded. Honestly, this convo was all your mind needed to extinguish your curiosity for a good while. He left home, and he's content with his current life, no matter how much he may miss certain aspects of it. No elaboration needed.

Except, there was some elaboration needed, only it was needed elsewhere.

"Oh! And your confession? Or was that your confession?"

He paused, body tensing as his grip on the handrails tightened. His breathing became slightly labored as a blush creeped onto his face.

"Um, well..."

He mumbled an "Oh dear..." to himself before continuing.

"When I said I have things here that make me feel at home, I meant the connections I've made. I love the people in my life far more than I love my family. I still care for them, yes. I can confidently say I love them, but I cannot say I actually like them."

He wasn't looking at you. Your mind was swimming with possibilities for what he planned on saying next, although you had the faintest idea...

"I... am very fond of you, too. I often find that I feel that peaceful feeling around you in particular."

He swallowed, eyes stinging with tears he tried desperately to blink away. He was holding his composure quite well, actually. You subconsciously held your breath.

"My darling dearest, I cannot hide how I feel for much longer, no matter how hard I try... I think... I believe I am... falling in love with you."

Your mind went blank as you stared up at the man, heart and stomach dropping in an instant. His eyes have closed yet again. His shuddering shoulders and shaky breath gave everything away, however.

He lifted his arm, covering his eyes as you continued to stare wide-eyed at him.

"I am so very sorry, my dear! I-I hobe you do nod feel cornered by my conbession!" He sobbed. "I shall make my leab ib- ib you wish do be aloooone! BWUHH-HU-HU-HU-HUHHHHH!!"

You could barely understand what he was saying. He had already started to walk away when you finally closed your mouth. You weren't even aware you were gaping at him, the confession shutting your senses down despite halfway expecting something along these lines at this point. You guessed actually hearing him say it was different to speculating quietly to yourself...

"W-wait! Mr. Hassel!"

You grabbed his free arm, stopping him from getting any further. His cries continued, however.

"I-I'm sorry! I was just so shocked, I-"

You look down, still processing the feeling of your heart pounding in your chest. You hadn't even realized you were shaking so much until you realized how oddly... weak your grip on his arm felt.

"I-I jus-"

He took a few rapid half-breaths before stopping you.

"You do nod h-hab do gib me a resbonse! Nod now, nod eb-eberrrrr!"

You considered this. Truthfully, the idea of giving dating Hassel a shot didn't seem half-bad. You looked up to him, admired his skill and his strength despite everything he's been through. Not to mention, you admittedly found the man kinda cute. His personality just struck you as so sincere, taking his work and emotions very seriously. He's a very honest man, so he must truly love you. You'd definitely feel secure with him...

"...you're right... about the me needing time thing." You began. "B-but once I sort my feelings out, maybe we can get to know each other some more?"

He was still trembling, breath catching up with him as he hyperventilated. But a few seconds later, while heavily panting, he could respond.

"I-I would lub that!!"

He had turned to you, eyes still closed, head still tilted back, but he grabbed both of your hands and gently brought them up a little closer to himself. As he finally caught his breath and started breathing at a normal pace (aside from the large, shallow breaths he took), he slowly opened his eyes, looking at you, blush ever present on his face. His eyes sparkled with an intensity you'd never seen before as he smiled, the bottoms of his eyes crinkling as he did so. For a split-second, he looked like a young man again...

The two of you stood there, a tranquil feeling coming over you, when you heard him start to whimper. His mouth wobbled for a second before he suddenly started bawling again, causing your eyes to widen. You then let out an odd chuckle.

"Oookay, big guy. C'mere."

You took him into a hug, causing him to cry even louder as he let his overwhelming emotions out.

^^^>

It had been a few weeks. You were thinking back on everything that had happened. The moment you realized 'maybe he feels stronger feelings toward me than I thought.' How he went along with your weird plans despite having better things to do, how he looked out for your well-being by going above and beyond for you and truly understanding your needs, how he always praised and incorporated you into his work...

You absent-mindedly flip through some pages of Occulture Magazine. It really didn't seem too realistic now that you actually had a chance to sit down and read through it, but strangely enough, that wasn't really what you were thinking about right now.

You stand up, putting the book back on the shelf, a smile on your face as you make your way to the art room. He was on break at the moment.

You approach the open door, leaning against it and knocking, catching his attention.

"O-oh! Hello there!" He quickly clears his throat. "I'm very happy to see you! What brings you here?"

You look around, making sure nobody was there to hear this.

"Hoooow about... we go see a movie this Saturday?"

^^^>

A/N

I KNOW THIS STORY IS A LITTLE ODD! Like, he seems to be madly in love with you already, to an obvious degree, but this is the first time you take note of anything, right? Well, it's one of those "Oh yeah, there were signs" sorta situations. The pottery night you had with him was a small hint that he was already looking out for your well-being well before this and giving you special attention, but you just didn't think much of it. Plus, he's quite emotional, you imagine that once he finds a friend he feels safe around, his even more complex feelings come out. Which, true, but also HE DOES STUFF AROUND YOU THAT HE ONLY DOES AROUND YOU BUT YOU DON'T NOTICE CAUSE HE IMMEDIATELY CHANGES HIS BEHAVIOR ONCE HE REALIZES YOU'RE NEARBY. You defo noticed that behavior change, but again, he changes a bit around close friends already, and you didn't really have a point of reference for what his "normal" is (yet)

Sorry, I just love the pining dude genre, gimme some more oblivious love interests for male characters, please! Your gender still isn't stated, I just wanted Hassel to be the one to be super soft and like "Yes please notice me" while you're like "Huh. Cool. He just asked to take me to a new café. So anyway, how about some more weirdly specific words?" IT'S SUPER CUTE AHH

Also, speaking of, the story was gonna have them going to a café instead of a walk, and him talking about some beautiful customs and traditions from around the world and bringing up the Applin thing as a super duper totally subtle hint at his feelings, but you'd genuinely not know of that tradition before, so you'd just see it as a neat little cultural tidbit, but then I was like "bruh they just had tea", so I changed it to them spending time together like kids cause I thought it'd be cute if you got through to him to get him to experience things from a childhood he couldn't enjoy (even if it is more based on your own childhood, you're trying! Consider the night they shared here a test run). No worries, in future installments, reader will begin to fully understand what he went through growing up (I tried to make their questions less about his family and more about his life in general, but of course, the two are forever linked.) The idea of the little fair came randomly, based on the fact that all the gym leaders seem to have some career where they express themselves (even Larry with his "normal old job(s)," although obviously it's all more complicated than that), plus the entire game has frequent themes of people finding where they fit in life, what they wanna do, their dreams/goals, things like that. It's pretty interesting, actually, I can't articulate myself well tho so RIP I guess

ALSO ALSO not gonna edit this one cause the Tumblr app COULD NOT HANDLE IT LAST TIME so yeah

OH YEAH I HAVEN'T SEEN THE IRON GIANT IN 66 MILLION YEARS SO SORRY, I JUST TOOK WHAT I REMEMBERED AND POKÉ-FIED IT, I'm just going to use the excuse that the legends of the Ultra Beasts go WAY back, so the Celesteela in the movie may look simplified by comparison due to them not having a complete picture of it compared to the characters in S/US/M/UM. The movie doesn't even say its name, simply referring to it as the Steel Ultra Beast because nobody knew their names yet

[konstantintreplev]

Design for Existing: The Joan Thursday-Strange Conundrum (with back-up vocals by Endeavour Morse and Fred Thursday)

When I first started watching, I bristled against Joan Thursday's characterization, especially in late-s4/early-s5; her relationship with Morse felt forced, in part because it was forced... post-"Coda," if they don't get together, they're never going to! (They're also never going to because there was never a Mrs. Morse in canon, and despite giving Morse a smoking habit and a hot Italian duo to flirt with and bed in series 7, which goes directly against TV Morse canon, giving Morse a wife seems a bit too far, right?)

But still: "Coda." Russ Lewis may not know how to write women past being accessories (or cold-blooded MILFy murderesses), but he at least gave Joan Thursday an exit that could have meant she strikes a pang in Morse's heart ever after, and furthers a wedge into his relationship with Thursday, a wedge that could end them as the splinter deepens and allows infection to grow.

...on the other hand, wouldn't Joan Strange be so delightfully clever of dear ole' Russ?

...actually, yes. Just as Sam becoming his father (he's going to become a copper! boy!) is an ironically bitter twist, Joan becoming her mother (a copper's wife! jesus!) is equally bitter and ironic.

It, in fact, fits neatly into the fate of all four Thursdays: Win is forever tied to Thursday and his mercurial ways, trapped; Thursday is forced to wander, never to find a true home, lost; Sam may or may not leave his ghosts behind (he won't), but he'll follow in a pair of footsteps he knows he cannot fill; Joan is slotted into the role of copper's wife, and the wife of an Upstanding copper, too (Joan will be more Mrs. Bright in the future than Mrs. Win Thursday, BUT HEY).

So, Joan can't just disappear into the shadows of "Coda," content in her new life. This is where Russ loses me; there's no real justification that she needs to find herself knocked up in a relationship with an abusive man, but at least (at least!) she escapes and returns to Oxford to train to become a social worker.

There's also no saying she simply becomes Strange's wife and the mother of his children, and it's weird some of y'all think she gives up her life's work to do that. Joan may be a woman of Our Time (because Russ, and I cannot stress this enough, could not write a second-wave feminist trailblazer who also had kids and a husband to save HIS LIFE... we love Dorothea, however, there's a reason she's unwed and Sapphic-coded), but plenty of women in the 70s began families and still worked! They still had lives! (I come from a long line of them!)

We know very little about Mrs. Strange in the later book canon; she dies before Morse, she doesn't know about Strange's affair in the book because Morse protects them both, and Morse thinks of her as a "bully," but he also protects her from the knowledge her husband is a cheating bastard.

Oh, and by making her the lasting reminder of one of the bellwethers in Morse's life (Fred Thursday, natch), a neat narrative symmetry is established. Because Thursday could be a "bully," too. Or dare we forget...

(I know he's pointing a gun at a bad guy. Still an awful thing he nearly did because he let his rage overcome him in a stressful moment. How many barbs did a embittered Joan Strange throw Morse's way at every police force function, faced with the living, beating reminder of her absent father's presence, a shadowy figure with fingers in her life, always?)

Note I am not going into "did Thursday know about Morse and Joan"? I don't know. I don't really care. There are a lot of ways to read how Thursday perceives Morse, how he perceives Joan, and how he perceives Joan and Morse together. (But for the record, Thursday's a perceptive guy who doesn't always fixate on giving vocabulary to his perceptions... so of course he knew, but Jim 'dependable future Chief Superintendent' Strange was a better choice than 'hungover half the time, salty and slutty the other half' Morse. Also, it was Joan's choice.)

To give into his feelings for Joan, I think, would've been a betrayal of Thursday to Morse, in the end.

And, interestingly, I think it would be a betrayal of Thursday to Joan for her to return those feelings in turn.

Because they do have the hots for each other. Like. They do. That's just how it's played.

But... well...

Joan Thursday-Strange and Fred Thursday are interesting as characters because they exist independently of Morse, but they are also highly dependent on him. Joan’s absent presence is felt as keenly as Thursday’s present absence in IM; just because she’s the off-screen Mrs. Strange doesn’t dampen that, if anything, it enhances that.

Or, lest we forget her profound invocation in the TV series...

...thanks, John Thaw, you didn't know it at the time, but I've got to go stick my head in a bucket of ice water and scream some.

Joan belongs in the 2010s/2020s; Morse belongs in the 1800s; Thursday belongs on some battlefield, in some war, somewhere, doesn't matter when. They're three people flung out of time, out of space, into a most certain time, and a most certain place. Oxford, between 1965 and 1972. Joan ends up in Kidlington, then back in Oxford for the remainder of her life; Thursday is scattered to the wind, left to languish in both of their memories; and Morse... well, we all know what becomes of him.

I suppose this is a sort of an apology note to Joan Thursday-Strange, a character I find truly fascinating, but that at a certain point in time, couldn't really comprehend. Part of it is how she's written by Lewis; but read between the lines with her, as we so often do with Morse and Thursday (and all the others, really), and you get a whole new world opened up.

On that front, I heartily recommend lemonistas's reworking of the Endeavour canon fics that include mid-century modern girl and seven sisters on ao3. If you want some AUs featuring Joan, I also recommend my "sister suffragette" and imported (in glamorized form). (If you really want Joan getting to sow her wild oats with Morse post-Endeavour canon, might I recommend my "as if it were a destination"?)

Joan is more than Thursday's daughter, and she's more than Morse's object of affection, and she's more than Mrs. Strange. She exists as a reminder of Thursday, yes, but she will have a lasting impact on Morse's life in other ways, and because she is a supporting character in Morseverse, we'll never know who else she changed for the better (or the worse).

That, my friends, is the domain of those transformative works we love so dearly. So, go, write. I bet Joan Thursday would read most of our works, her toes curling in shocked delight.

[safetycar-restart]

I’ve been thinking thoughts.

1) Sub!Charles sometimes has trouble falling asleep. Whether it’s jet lag, race jitters, Ferrari stress, sometimes poor baby can’t get his mind to shut off. But there’s always one perfect remedy. Eat mommy’s pussy. He loves it so much because your thighs are warm, he can relax and keep his eye closed and just keep up with some sweet kitten licks. Maybe he gets so relaxed that he falls asleep on your pussy because he’s finally able to get rid of all his thoughts. Perfect sweet sleepy sub.

2)Scissoring boypussy!charles. Maybe this comes after the experience of the double ended dildo. He heard about it once and he’s been so nervous to try it because what if it’s too weird or what if you’re turned off by the idea. But he wants to experience what it’s like to have you so close to him like that. Maybe it’s not just a sex act for him but the highest form of intimacy.

3)Double ended dildo, but this time with Pierre and Bunny. I can totally see Bunny being mesmerized by Pierre fucking himself and Bunny and both of them are wriggling along the length of the dildo trying to find a rhythm and position that work.

3)What if sub!charles sees how naughty/cheeky Lando can be with his dom and is inspired to be a little naughty too. Maybe he tries teasing mommy by wearing his pretty skirts and dresses without panties and finding the opportune time to bend over a ‘accidentally’ flash mommy. Or he tries to play with himself while waiting for mommy to walk through the door and find him. Key word is try because he’s nervous but also it just doesn’t feel as good as having mommy’s permission. But he’s just curious to see what happens. If mommy would actually punish him, what would she do? Because he trusts mommy 100% to not give him a harsh and scary punishment because he isn’t into the heavy stuff. So what would his punishment be?

These have been my thoughts. Thank you for your time 🫡

I... anon you just... you just dropped three masterpieces on me?? You didn't even leave an emoji oh my fucking god. Anon if you want to send other thoughts... you better claim a fucking emoji it is a requirement!! The leaders of the bunny cult will be hunting you until you claim one.

But okay okay let's do this. I'm gonna talk about each these concepts separately because they're all so good and I am obsessed with each of them.

CONCEPT ONE:

Firstly, I definitely agree that Charles struggles to sleep quite a bit due to jet lag. And I also think he struggles to function properly when he hasn't had enough sleep? He tends to become very whiney and sensitive when he's too tired, easily brought to tears and really just wanting cuddles from his mommy until he falls asleep.

So needless to say, it's very important to try and keep a good sleep schedule for Charles and to make sure he gets enough sleep. But sometimes his schedule is all out of whack from traveling and his mind wont quieten down and the poor thing just cant sleep.

And the absolute best way to help him fall asleep is absolutely to let him eat you out. To be honest he doesnt even do a very good job, it's mostly just light kitten licks and occasional suck on your clit but he's just so happy, all warm and safe between your thighs and so so comfy as he licks you.

He often falls asleep like that, and you just let him because the sweet thing needs his sleep. And then when he wakes up, he always looks surprised that he's between your thighs but then immediately starts licking you again because he's not gonna miss an opportunity to taste his mommy.

CONCEPT TWO:

Of course boypussy Charles wants to try scissoring! He just wants to be as close to you as possible and the idea of it just sounds so good? Even if it doesnt feel mind-blowing, it's still so good because he gets to be so close to you.

Obviously he's on the bottom, because he cannot be expected to do all the work he is far too cute for that. He must simply lay there and cling to you and cry out as he feels so good.

It's not something he asks for all the time, because nothing beats the feeling of you fucking him with a strap. But it is something he requests when he wants to feel safe and close to you?

OPTION THREE:

Bunny and Pierre using a double dildo? That’s definitely something planned by you and Pierre. You both know that bunny would lose his little mind at the mere suggestion.

You leave the dildo on the bed and bring Charles into the room and poor little bunny has no idea what’s happening when he sees the longest dildo he’s ever seen on the bed. You try to get him to guess what is happening, but poor bunny can’t be expected to use his braincell!! He thought he was coming to scene with his mommy and his Pierre so the braincell is very much turned off. He’s in subby bunny mode, not thinking mode!!

When you explain it to him, he’s so excited? He can’t think of anything better. Of course pierre has to do all the work, poor little bunny can barely keep himself up nevermind actually fuck back against the dildo.

It’s so hard to find a rhythm, mostly because bunny can’t keep a rhythm. You and Pierre don’t mind at all though, because this is exactly what you and Pierre wanted.

It’s absolutely amazing by the end of course, making bunny feel so good and the knowledge that each time he moves, the dildo also fucks Pierre just blows his little mind.

Of course you stay close the whole time, kissing them and praising them and playing with their cocks until there’s a little puddle of cum under both Pierre and bunny.

SCENARIO FOUR:

Firstly, lando would absolutely be such a tease! Always flashing his Dom and masturbating without permission and just being so naughty so that he has to be punished.

Which isn’t who Charles is AT ALL. Charles is a good boy, and he would NEVER disobey his mommy. But lando keeps on saying how much his Dom loves punishing him and fucking him hard and so Charles starts to think that maybe you want that too? Maybe you would like him to break some rules and be a little naughty?

The ironic thing is that you don’t even have a rule that Charles can’t masturbate on his own? Because he’s such a horny little thing and he’s so good that you want him to feel good as often as he wants. But he always asks for permission anyway, because he always feels so much better when he has your permission and knows that his mommy approves.

But he decides to try masturbating without asking you, and maybe he wears a pretty little skirt that he knows you love and makes sure he does it at a time that you’ll walk in on him.

And the poor thing is so nervous? He’s stroking his cock but he can’t even make himself use the dildo he picked because it’s the dildo you always fuck him with and he can’t do it right himself.

You walk in of course, and he expects you to be mad and punish him. But you would never punish your sweet boy for making himself feel good!! And he looks so cute in his pretty skirt with his hard cock. Like a perfect present for you to play with.

Except he’s so scared because he thinks he’s gonna be punished and he’s realising that he absolutely can’t be punished. He’s a good boy!! But he’s been so bad, he dressed up and he played with himself and he didn’t have his mommy’s permission.

But you quickly jump into the bed and praise him so much, promising him that he’s done so well and he looks so good and you’d love for him to carry on playing with himself because you love for him to feel good.

Needless to say, he never acts out again because he’s a good boy. Not a bad boy. Not like lando.

[saturdaynightghostclub]

Toady FAQ!

Hey y’all! I get a lot of the same questions (both on Tiktok and here in the bog), so I thought I’d answer a bunch of em at once! As always, if you have questions not listed here, I’m happy to chat :)

Are you going to upload/continue the 90s series? (Alternatively: Upload the 90s series. You should upload it to Tumblr. Continue the 90s series.)

With all the love in the world, no. At least not for the moment—ask me again in 6 months!

Writing that series ended up being super stressful, and I’m not super eager to get back in there at the moment. I’m worried I’d continue to carry that stress and that I’d grow to resent the story, which is not at all what I want! I also don’t want to be 8 chapters into a new piece of writing and still have people asking about the 90s series, which I hope is understandable.

By all means, save the posts from Tiktok so you can revisit them. Just please don’t post them anywhere :)

Do you have Spotify? Can you make a playlist of all the songs you used in your Tiktoks?

I’ve thought about this question a lot, and basically: you tell me.

I have a Spotify account, but haven’t shared it for privacy reasons. However, if enough people wanted it, I could be persuaded to change my username and share my playlists :)

I do think it’s fun to have music to go along with a story, and it’s actually the one thing I miss about Tiktok. So the other option would be to maybe post chapters as audio posts with the text underneath, if I can figure out how to do that?

Basically: you tell me what you think, and I’ll do it!

Will your next story feature XYZ?

It depends on your request (and, honestly, the tone in which you ask it). I’m more than happy to consider requests and suggestions, but I have two stipulations:

1. There are certain perspectives and lived experiences from which I simply cannot write accurately; if you’re asking me to write about the experiences of a marginalized group, consider that I might not be the person to portray them. On top of being in a privileged position myself, I’m also just not an experienced enough writer to properly research and depict experiences so inherently different from my own. I can definitely try my best to recommend other writers, but know that, in all things, my knowledge is limited to my own exposure and experience.

2. I cannot possibly make everyone happy. If I took every request I received, I’d end up with a disaster of a story that I wouldn’t even feel like I’d written. I need to retain some creative freedom in order for this to feel worth doing, so while I welcome suggestions please don’t be offended if I don’t take every one I see!

Any advice for people who want to major in English? What are you doing with your degree?

Yes!

Find your niche. Mine was American lit, specifically the weird stuff. The weirder the better—American Gothic, true crime journalism, 19th-century Spiritualism—you name it, I’ve written about it. If you can find a subgenre of literature that you LOVE, nothing you read or write will feel like work.

Don’t edit, rewrite! Print your draft and go over it in red pen, then re-type it with your corrections. I swear by this!

Don’t limit yourself, ever! Take classes on fantasy, sci-fi, children’s lit, climate crisis fiction, religious texts, whatever you can find. You will be better for it!

Everyone is wrong. There’s a TON you can do with an English degree. I worked in finance straight out of college—I knew nothing about business, but my degree taught me to communicate effectively and synthesize information from different sources. You have valuable skills, you just need to learn to market them! Now I’m working in my field and it’s great, but it was never the only option.

DO A STORY ABOUT X IN Y TIME PERIOD SET IN THIS SPECIFIC TOWN!

Beloved, stop yelling at me.

Can I use this as a writing prompt/write my own story/create fanart using these characters?

YES! Knock yourself out, I only ask that you tag me in the final product so I can see your lovely work and hype you up :)

Do you have book/movie/show recs that are similar to your work?

That depends! Send me a specific request (ie: MMCs with similar vibes to Jasper Stevens) and I’ll try my best to recommend you something. If I can’t think of anything, we’ll crowdsource!

[h5eavenly]

The whole situation is so complicated 😭😭😭 like all characters are soooo so complex, especially y/n :((

Tbh yes, Yeji has low key bene a bit mean to y/n and stuff even before she found out the truth, but that’s justifiable bc she was defending her friend, aka Hyunjin! And ofc if I put myself in her shoes, if my friends’ ex left my bff all heart broken, ofc I would have some sort of sour feelings :((. But ofc it’s always important to note that when a relationship ends, it’s not ab finding who to blame! I relationship ends bc it’s simply not meant and that’s ok, that’s just life ://. So imo I do think Yeji is valid for not being all for y/n and Hyunjin BUT idt she needed to be a bitch ab it. However !!! The way she reacted to the news ab the bet and SEUNGMIN, I get that bc in her perspective she was trying to look after Hyunjin.

For Hyunjin’s POV, idk I think it rlly depends on the person. Bc yes y/n did a lot of questionable things, and tbh he rlly does have the option to not listen to her bc tbh if I were in his shoes I wouldn’t either AKSJSKSJA bc like wth !!! I’m online w h and turns out ur doing sm shiz behind my back like ?!?! However, when his own friends shit talked y/n, I thought that was below the belt. It’s natural they don’t like her for what she had done, but Hyunjin still loves her, and love doesn’t just go away. Bc idk maybe it’s a me thing, but when my friends jus breakup w an ex, I make it a point to never talk shit, even if I rlly want to in the first few weeks or so bc it’ll also hurt my friend bc they still love them! That’s why I did find it a bit weird that Hyunjin didn’t rlly tell them to stop but we r all different and deal w our feelings differently. I think it was normal he blocked her bc he needs to heal and get some space fr. Like I said it’s rlly up to him if he wants to listen to y/n. Bc I’m 100% sure she has her reasons but ofc it’ll be hard to listen to her bc he did give her chances to admit the truth but she was scared and never took the chance, so that’s on her.

Tbh I think all of them are just acting immaturely which is rlly normal and human of them! Like I don’t rlly support how some of them r dealing w it, especially w Hyunjin’s friends talking shot ab y/n, the girl he still has feelings for IN FRONT OF HIS FACE :((. Idk like I said, for me I think it’s below the belt bc one, he did love her once :((. Valid for them to not like her but they should give Hyunjin some space from the situation bc it just seems like they’re making it ab themselves. They could’ve just asked how he was and continued from there :((. Idk :((

And for y/n I cannot stress this enough, she should’ve said smthg :(( everyone’s been telling her to come clean and Hyunjin even gave her the chance but she never did, so it rlly gave d impression dat she was playing w Hyunjin and his friends. I think she should’ve said smthg sooner and should’ve jus been honest from the get go. Bc I’m sure Hyunjin would’ve been hurt by what happened and what she did, but at least it would give Hyunjin reassurance that she is honest w him. And it’s understandable that y/n is sort of acting dis way bc of her own personal issues, but dat doesn’t justify her reasons, and doesn’t justify hurting someone else whom is harmless. So I think y/n is in a place of reflection and hopefully she finds some peace :)).

Mad for Chan, I mean ofc he will tell Yeji AKSNWM she is his friend and ofc all the shiz he found out was rlly like messed up so ofc he will tell her, it’s a normal response. I mean he could’ve clarified it w wooyoung, Yuma, and y/n, but idt they’re close to begin w so AKSNAKANA.

Long story short, theyre all just rlly emotional and I think they’re all sort of acting impulsively which is normal :)).

Idk how this whole situation is gonna unfold but I’m rlly hoping for the best for all of them!!

yess this is why i kept saying this is so complicated bc its one of these situations where we could go back and forth on what everyone could have said and did when everything the characters do doesn't always have to be morally correct when they have different personalities and feelings/past judgements are involved thats just very unrealistic i also mentioned to keep note of the pain being so fresh and the shock is settling in bc yk sadness and pain are such complex emotions they could turn into rage or have you thinking differently/irrationally. if this was after a while maybe i could for sure see felix or hyunjin being like "okay guys this is not cool stop it" bc time could have passed and their opinion on yn wouldnt just bc focused on this one bad thing she did

I do agree w u that this felt selfish to hyunjin i think his feelings are not being validated in this situation, his friends are only validating yejis side which is that yn is100% a villain in her story so the first thing she feels for yn is anger and just that. where for hyunjin the way he feels about yn is soso complex bc this is a person who he loved and still loves, shares a past with and thought of her as his soulmate thats why it made so much sense for me that he's isolating himself he doesnt feel like he has a safe space to talk about yn and express his grief and the complexity of still missing her,loving her its similar to the start where he couldnt talk abour his feelings for yn w yeji and only talked about them to lix

Also the whole bangchan situation i do think if someone else heard them things would be different i do believe if it was changbin in that situation he would have 100% talk to yuna and woo first but with chan he had showed multiple times that he doesnt really care about yn and her friends like that and it had been shown also that he's not really a logically thinking person like he had said questionable things throughout the series so

omg thank you for writing ur thoughts to me in detail this is so fun to read and i lovee getting to discuss everything so i hope ur feeling the same as i said its so interesting to see so many different opinions and views this just goes to show how complex we are as humans!! i love it🥹🩷🩷

[st0rmyskies]

May I do one of those answer all the questions things again? Mwah😘

Of course you may bae. Let's get to the ones I didn't get asked.

Under the cut for length.

✨What's a fic you've posted you wish you could breathe life into again and have people talking about it? (or simply a fic you wish got more credit)

I have too many active projects to have any that I want people talking about more. If anything I wish I could stay focused on one series HSH as opposed to having the braincell pulled in 800 other directions.

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback?

Live reacts are the shit. Really though any thought-out comment makes my day. I put a lot of effort in to what I put out there, so having that recognized - to have people pick out subtle themes or characterization notes or what have you - is really rewarding.

🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

I think y'all know that I work pretty hard on what I put out there. My biggest struggle right now is the climax of HSH, just too many moving parts and I need to make sure I do everyone justice. Yes, even Number.

🦋what are you most insecure about when you post a fic?

Whether or not I'm outing one of my own weird kinks.

🌿how does creating make you feel?

Relaxed. Stressed. Elated. Drained. Productive. Like I'm wasting my time.

🎈describe your style as a writer; is it fixed? does it change?

Hard question. Like, my style of getting things down or putting words in order or ???. Idk I'm stubborn so perhaps I'm fixed.

🎉how often do you celebrate completing & posting a work? how often do you give yourself the credit/validation that you seek from others when you post? (if you don't, you should!)

Completing and posting a work feels good, but I don't really seek validation through posting. I just... put it out there. Read it, or don't.

💞what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language

The language, by far. Language can either immerse you in a given scene or bitchslap you straight out of it. It can make a given character's actions seem brash or planned, their motivations selfish or selfless. The importance of word choices CANNOT be overstated.

🕯️was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?

Among Us got really hard to write because the ending is Not Good. That story helped me realize that I really can't do bad endings.

🍭why did you start writing?

Because I wanted to read Marth/Roy (SSBM) fic and couldn't find anything I enjoyed well enough.

🤲what do YOU get out of writing?

I get to create the kind of stories I'm interested in reading.

☯️how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?

Engaging with fans and other creators through tumblr and discord has really broadened my creative horizon. It's made me think about the potential of characters I otherwise wouldn't have considered exploring, and explore sides of characters I didn't even imagine could be there.

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

80% sure that by the end of HSH: The Brave, Time is going to be walking with a cane.

[rigginsstreet]

Drop your dexter thoughts so I finally have a reason to watch the show 🦍 blease I need more shows to watch

first of all michael c hall got a fat ass and personally i think that alone warrants a watch but maybe thats just me

secondly, the utter DERANGEMENT happening behind the scenes like the two leads were playing adopted brother and sister but dated and got married irl and then divorced before the show ended AND THEN CAME BACK TOGETHER FOR THE LIMITED SERIES FIX IT ENDING LAST YEAR which i cannot fully get into why that was so insane without spoiling major plot points but just know i was having a fit last year lmfao

ANYWAY

dexter morgan. sociopathic serial killer to some. poor little meow meow baby girl to me. having said this, cannot stress enough how much he ruins everyones lives around him. and he pays for it dearly. and the journey is delicious (and controversial to some. i however dont have beef with the original series finale but again... cant get into without spoilers)

ALSO ITS ABOUT THE CODEPENDENCY BETWEEN DEXTER AND DEB I LITERALLY CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!!! also... yes they are adopted siblings. yes they have weird psychosexual energy so like.... if youre gonna watch this show you gotta commit lmao because when i tell you their relationship will have you on the floor clawing your hair out feeling gaping wounds that will never heal... or maybe thats just me

and to FURTHER the fucked up family dynamics you got harry, their dad, who is a ghost in the show serving as dexters conscious and thats a whole fucking bag to unpack because harry done FUCKED UP his son in irreparable ways (and also deb less directly but like... whew babygirl....)

basically do you love fucked up families? do you love serial killing? do you love bright pastel miami aesthetics? lots of blood? innocent people getting caught in the crossfire of an easily escapable fate had they simply made different life choices? though sometimes its beyond their control sometimes they were dragged into it unknowingly.... this is the show for you

its just... people getting worse and worse and worse. but its also a comedy. i will not elaborate.

[nicklloydnow]

“For most of my life I have been a “high-functioning” depressive — so high-functioning, in fact, that it will seem implausible to many, even to those who know me fairly well, to learn of my long psychiatric record. But another way of saying “high-functioning” is “high-performance”, which is to say that I have generally been all-too-aware of the Goffmanian performative dimensions of social life, and have mastered my own performance in the same way I mastered my GPA and the various standardized tests I have had to take: propelled forward only by the fuel of anxiety, self-hatred, and certainty of my own fraudulence.

The intake questionnaires have never really captured my subjective experience of “what’s eating me” very well. They ask: “Do you have trouble getting out of bed?” No. “Have you lost your appetite?” I wish. “Are you able to complete your work tasks?” Always. Some diagnosticians, amateur and professional alike, have rushed to DSM-splain to me that I seem to suffer only from “anxiety” and not from “depression”, but this is a meaningless distinction to me, and I don’t see any reason why a manual that in any case is always in the course of revision, and only captures one way of dividing up psychiatric kinds in a certain place and time, should trump the first-person phenomenology of the condition under diagnosis. Anxiety is the opposite of a good feeling; it’s bad. In the end it may be that eudaimonia and kakodaimonia, good and bad “vibes”, are really the only two conditions with any ontological robustness to them. And even these two elementary states shade into one another in ways that make it extremely hard for a lucid observer of his own condition to put feelings into language. Sometimes the condition of the soul gets so bad that it starts to feel like a sort of ecstasy, in which one has circled all the way back around to communion with the good daimon: the horseshoe theory of depression and mental health.

All self-presentation is performance, but to remain hyper-aware of this at all times is handicapping, and leads to a sharp sense of one’s own fraudulence. The watered-down way to speak of this sense, much invoked in online grousing about the stresses of academia, is in terms of “impostor syndrome”, but that doesn’t quite capture the pervasiveness of the feeling. Those who have this syndrome feel out of place in a particular line of work; those who are depressed feel out of place in the world. “Fake it till you make it” is the jocular advice given to people suffering from mild impostor syndrome, and it is implied that this sort of fakery is not just morally tolerable, but laudable. Yet such dishonesty, like “pride”, straddles a boundary between two different and wholly incompatible moral orientations that somehow continue to co-exist in our society. This is the same divide that tells us, in the name of being a morally upstanding person, both to give away our money, and to save it. Bourgeois liberal philosophy will gaslight you into thinking you must simply not be smart enough if you fail to understand how this incommensurability can be smoothed out. But every now and then the voice of a Kierkegaard breaks through, strong enough to make itself heard through the bullshit, to tell us in no uncertain terms that it is impossible to live in this world, that whatever form of life you choose, you will be wrong.

The great comedian Mitch Hedberg, dead of an overdose at thirty-seven, said of addiction that it is a disease, but a weird one: “It’s the only disease people yell at you for having”. Our man is piercing here right into the heart of the incommensurability in question. In the end, if we cannot help but blame others for things that are beyond their control, this may be because wretchedness is our basic condition, as inevitable as it is blameworthy, and only an ideology —such as the one that has reigned throughout modernity— that stresses our earthly perfectibility will place the wretched in the earthly purgatories of rehab clinics and “correctional institutions” and psychiatric outpatient clinics, where in each case the purported goal is to purge the wretchedness right out of a person.

Today we find it easy to mock humoral medicine, such as Robert Burton’s explanation in his Anatomy of Melancholy (1621) of the condition in question as literally a “surfeit of black bile”. But in truth our facile resort today to the idea that depression is nothing more than “a problem with our brain chemistry” is just as worthy of mockery. It marks nothing more thn a shift in the bodily system held responsible for the psychological state, without any clearer understanding of the social and spiritual dimensions of the state. In fact Burton was vastly more sensitive, in his paramedical reflections on the melancholic life, to all the ways such a life is more than just an imbalance of the humors, than your average prescriber of meds today is sensitive to all the ways in which depression is more than just a matter of serotonin reuptake.

(…)

I will try to describe in a few words what it has been like since then. The most striking thing about this new life is that the whole world looks to me somewhat the way our elementary schools look to us when we revisit them as adults: a place we don’t belong anymore, a place that seems so much smaller and so much more modest than we had once taken it to be, so disenchanted that one is left perplexed as to how it could ever have been the source of such wild flights of the hopeful imagination. Life has a quality now that can only be described as “spectral”. I have sometimes imagined that I must have ended up in one of those refrigerated trucks myself, and everything I’ve experienced since then is just me haunting the old sites of my life, as in the Nicole Kidman vehicle The Others (2001) where she believes her home is infested by poltergeists but slowly comes to realize she and her kids are the ghosts, while the “ghosts” that torment her are just regular human beings.

A second feature of this new “mature” manifestation of depression (as opposed to its “juvenile” expressions in California, New York, Ohio) is what the diagnosticians sometimes call “derealization”. I have moments where I just cannot believe that any of this is real. I used to mock Nick Bostrom’s “simulation hypothesis”; now, most of the time, it seems to me intuitively obvious (if still not for the reasons he thinks) that the world is not at all what we take it to be. This shift manifests itself partly in a collapse of the system of values that had previously enabled me to take seriously all the clamoring after social distinctions —all the prizes and acclaim I used to find it meaningful to seek— that keep our institutions running and our little lives full. But more strongly, at certain moments I find myself literally unable to comprehend how I ever could have taken the social bodies that offer the prizes and acclaim, or indeed the opprobrium and rejection, to be in any sense real.

This derealization surely has something to do with the very real historical process of dematerialization: institutions really are disintegrating as they shift to videoconferencing and e-mail as the primary channels of their endurance. What made universities real for some centuries, for example, were in large part their august edifices. These still exist, generally, but they seem increasingly disconnected from whatever it is we still pretend to be doing under the universitarian banner. Anxiety enables me to keep doing my work under this same banner, but I find myself unable to recall how I once accepted it all, unquestioningly, as real. At its most intense, my incomprehension extends not just to social reality (work, recipes, “sport”, popular entertainments, and most of all politics), but to all reality: I can’t make any sense of what the edifices themselves are supposed to be, or clothes, or utensils. Unlike for Bostrom, most of the time the one thing that does not become “glitchy” for me, does not begin to show signs of its simulated character, is nature. But nature loves to hide, as Heraclitus said, and to have it alone as the one thing that appears real, while suitable for isolated contemplation, is hardly sufficient to provide the experience of community that sustains a properly human life.

A third feature of this mature depression is the way it affects my moral character, no matter how much rhetoric is invested in the idea that it’s “just a disease” like any other. I have already described it as a “disease” that has dishonesty as one of its symptoms. Another symptom is that it makes a person —let’s be frank— a real jerk. In my own case I definitely discern a correlation between the occasional remission of feelings of depression, on the one hand, and my capacity for generosity or big-heartedness on the other. Eric Schwitzgebel has provocatively argued that if you are surrounded by fools, you’re probably a jerk. When I am depressed I tend to conclude from his argument, very much against the grain, that I must be a jerk, because everyone around me is definitely a fool. Schwitzgebel of course means to dispel the idea that others are really fools, by “reducing” their foolishness to a mere effect of the perceiver’s “jerkitude”. But depression militates in favor of a “Copernican revolution” in the new field of jerk theory.

(…)

Here is how the foolishness of humanity manifests itself. We have become familiar in the social-media era with the notion of “copypasta”, where people with no real thoughts of their own simply reproduce the language of others, and attempt to pass this off as political engagement, for example regarding the “problematic” character of Disney princesses. But in deep depression, every human utterance sounds like copypasta; everyone sounds as if they are simply channeling the language of others. Proust thus comes to seem a rare and loyal friend to the isolated depressive, when for example his narrator dissects the new phrases and idiosyncracies in the language of Albertine, to discern, in his own internal Académie Française, exactly who she has been seeing since she returned to Paris from Balbec at the end of summer. She thinks she’s just “being herself”, with all that language; he thinks she’s just delivering so much copypasta.

It is terrifying and alienating to apprehend all language in that way, and the easiest reaction is misanthropy. One is wrong, of course, morally wrong, to react in this way, and the Copernican revolution in this case cannot really succeed. It is, as Schwitzgebel claims, jerkitude that gives rise to the appearance of foolishness, and not foolishness that justifies jerkitude. But depression is a strange disease, and we will never be able to adequately deal with it if we pretend it’s just like diabetes or whatever. Depression makes you a jerk. One should not be a jerk. Ergo, if depression is a disease, it is a disease that it is morally wrong to have.

One of the most peculiar expressions I have learned since moving to France is péter un plomb. This means literally “to fart a lead weight”, and so might seem to suggest a meaning similar to the English “to shit a brick”, but in fact describes something closer to failure, or to an irreversible running out of steam, than to the heroic feat of parturition described by the English idiom. Thus for example if you are sitting outside at a café in Paris, and a rough but still handsome beggar comes to your table and, in perfect classical diction, recites a monologue from Molière, you might say after he has moved on: Il a dû péter un plomb. “He must have farted a chunk of lead”. The idea here is that this mendicant thespian clearly used to “be somebody”, but some bug in his internal program caused him at some point to stray from his path and to take up this new lowly position in the world with only faint vestiges of who he once was. High-functioning depressives might do well to adopt as their mantra Samuel Beckett’s famous line: “I can’t go on, I’ll go on”. But if you have farted your chunk of lead in life, you lose the second half, and are left only with this: “I can’t go on”.”

[evilkitten3]

My friend is getting top surgery next month, I'm very glad that he's getting that weight off his chest. Since you've been through it all ready, could I ask for some advice on supporting him through the recovery process?

absolutely.

make sure he has someone/thing to reach the top shelf. he's not gonna be raising his arms above his shoulders for a while

make sure the pharmacy prescribing the pain meds understands that they're for treating the pain from the surgery, not for gender dysphoria. otherwise they simply will not give you pain meds. they may not even tell you that they have not given you pain meds. i recommend against finding this out the exciting way like i did (side note: surprisingly not that bad most of the time)

if it's the same for him as it was for me, he'll be on a 5 pound weight limit for three weeks, and then a 25 pound limit for another three weeks. this is going to affect more than anyone involved will realize. if he's gonna need to move anything heavy any time soon, he should do that before surgery

i had to switch to tylenol instead of ibuprofen a few weeks pre-surgery bc ibuprofen can increase risk of bleeding. if he's an ibuprofen guy, he may want to grab some tylenol just in case

i've heard different people have different experiences with the drains. for some people, that's the worst part. for me, it was pretty simple (although my mom handled most of the measuring). if you aren't going to be involved with keeping them clear/measuring the goop, try to remember to glance down every now and then just in case a cap was screwed on wrong and too much air got in there. probably not gonna be a medical emergency but you wanna keep an eye on them so they'll do their job.

does he have a ride to and from the hospital? this is a very important question bc if the answer is no, the surgery simply will not happen. they just won't do it.

what i got specifically was a double mastectomy with free nipple grafts. if he's getting the same, i cannot stress enough that the nipples will look weird for a while. this is probably nothing to worry about. they're supposed to do that. if he's still worried, he should check in with the surgeon or another qualified expert, but probably they'll just say "it's ok keep an eye on it and if it hasn't healed in [x amount of time] come back then"

he is going to be constantly reminding that all your bits and pieces are connected to one another. even the bits you aren't thinking about. it's gonna be weird.

if he has a dog, offer to walk the dog for him (or help him find someone else who can do it). dogs do not understand the importance of the surgery recovery process. don't let overly enthusiastic dogs happen to you (or in this case your friend)

get a spare binder. not the chest kind, the abdominal kind. you might wanna wash the first one (this will likely be provided by the hospital) and it's better to have two.

speaking of binders, at some point the bandages will come off. the binder will still be required (or, more accurately, highly recommended). this was, for me, Absolute Sensory Hell. i recommend you make sure he's got a few light, loose shirts he can wear under the binder just in case

this didn't end up being relevant to me, but my surgeon recommended my mom buy some puppy training pads in case of accidents (accidents is a word which usually implies pee, but here means bleeding. sometimes there be blood)

if he has cats, he's gonna need to be careful not to let them step on his chest. cats do not like being told where they can or can't step. i hope he has more willpower than i do

quite likely, he's already aware of a good chunk of this. your first step - and possibly only step - is to ask if there's anything he needs from you. if he's got things under control, have faith in him.

brace yourself for how happy he's gonna be once he sees himself topless after the drains come out and the bandages come off. i was pretty much bouncing over my reflection. the euphoria is real.

[kakusu-shipping]

Never apologise for rbing ask games, they're fun >:3c so for koro-sensei: 6, 9, 12 (if they have no neighbors...what was the Incident (tm) that made them have no neighbors-) + 13. For Sun! 1, 5, 7! -basbearship

Thankyou thankyou thankyou @basbearship I am being so annoying and you are enabling me and I love you thankyou very much

I'm gonna split this one into two posts, just so it's not a mile long so these are the Koro-Sensei questions

6 - How does your f/o introduce you to their friends? 

First meeting was very standard because it was a professional meeting with Mr. Karasuma and Irina, and unfortunately those are his only friends so he hasn't gotten to do a big Boyfriend reveal but if he could it's gonna be a big deal.

He does go out of his way though to do the "Here comes the most specialist boy ever" meme after we started dating, and still does it to this day when I enter a room.

9 - You and your f/o have a party/meeting/gathering to attend. How does it go? 

I'm bad at social events and Koro-Sensei isn't suppose to go to them but you know we gotta crash an important meeting disguised as a party Karasuma goes to at least once

If he's not drinking, it'll probably go pretty okay. Dancing and taking over the entire buffet and maybe being a bit weird, but he's a social guy. A bit much but pretty funny. If his disguise holds up we should make it out A-Okay.

And then, you know, get hard scolded by Karasuma the next day for jeopardizing his mission like that.

12 - How does your f/o interact with neighbors, if you have any?

He's the world's most wanted being right now, his one caviot is he must stay indoors don't talk to anyone he's a government secret.

And he's also an extrovert with a bleeding heart. I come home to find him helping the old woman one floor down pack in her groceries, and while he's there he might as well change the light bulb that went out in her bathroom and sweep the floor and take her dog for a walk it's only neighborly.

I'll catch him playing tutor for the kids down the hall, and when they're done go out behind the building and join them for a game of kick ball. He'll loan parenting books to the single dad who just moved in, and end up staying to help him make dinner.

He's so social we simply cannot contain him. Karasuma stopped visiting us because all the stress of watching a living weapon make cooky faces at the baby in the elevator was starting to give him migraines.

13 - How do other people see/describe your f/o? What’s the difference in their perception of them and yours?

Obviously a lot of people think he's weird and a lot, which is very true we have that part in common at least.

But you'd actually be surprised how many people seeing, meeting, and even understanding Koro-Sensei for the first time think he's scary. I mean he's 8 feet tall and can go mach 20 and when you know that, yeah he can seem pretty terrifying.

To me he's very Pathetic Little Meow Meow. Sure he can travel from our apartment to China in 15 minutes, but if you were to trip him on the street it'd take him a full minute to get his bearings enough to get up. His main weakness is how flusterable he is. I kiss his cheek and he's out of commission for the next hour.

So while other people may see an 8 foot tall bionically engineered weapon, I see a big loser with zero impulse control and a bleeding heart.

[misanthropecopy]

So thoughts on Pokemon scvi, or in just my case violet. Warning there are major spoilers below:

I personally enjoyed it, more so than I did with the last gen at least. Though I must confess that I am what you call a casual gamer, who focuses more on the story than the actual gameplay so the obvious glitches didn’t bother me too much. I actually found some of them to be funny. That being said, I know if my filthy casual eyes noticed them, everyone else probably saw them too. Personally the only glitch that bothered me was the elite four soundtrack going on like a broken record as I battled them. It did produce some kind of urgency within me, but it was a shame that I didn’t get to hear the full theme. With that out of the way, lets get on to what I enjoyed the most about it the story. 

Now when I purchased Violet I was set on doing all three paths, which seemed to be the right decision. I really enjoyed how the stories addressed different kinds of trauma. Arven with his parents, Penny/Team Star being bullied into becoming a lowkey gang themselves. Heck even Nemona despite her happy-go-lucky and frankly fearless nature probably suffers from having a lack of real friends. Since it’s apparently implied her battle-loving nature often drives people away. Then there is Miraidon or the main box legendary, whose dealing with not only losing a territorial dispute, but also LITERALLY WATCHING THEIR “CARETAKER” TAKE A FATAL BLOW FOR THEM. I CANNOT stress enough how scarred they must have been from that.

Another thing I enjoyed was that in the climax we actually STOPPED some human innovation here. In Pokemon science is often praised as seen with the npc in each starting town claiming “Science is amazing” and all that in every generation. But Pokemon doesn’t often address the price you pay for “progress” and how easily it can lead to hubris before an inevitible downfall. It’s part of why I like both Mewtwos stories/origins so much, as they are living testaments to the cost of humans trying to play God. Both Turo and Sada were so consumed with their work and seeing their dreams fulfilled, that not only did they neglect their son they failed to see the consequences of what their goals might do to the environment. Sure they protected Miraidon/Koraidon in the end, but did they ever learn their lesson? This we are not given an answer on. 

Speaking of the Pokemon, let’s talk about them. I or was leaning towards Sprigatito when the first trailer came out and while I was a little disappointed that it stood up, I have to admit it was the cutest of all the gen 9 starter evos for me. I love my Modest-natured girl named Spring and will take down anyone who gets creepy with her. The tinkatink line is freaking hilarious and there are plenty of weird, new mons that I caught simply because I wanted to know more about these funky little creatures. There were very few designs that I didn’t like in this gen, which is pretty sweet. The fact that you interact and actually get the box legendary in the beginning of the game is great, as it let’s you really form a bond with it. You may not be able to use it in battle, but it’s with you when you picnic, it’s your main mode of trasportation, you share your meals with it and frankly it has a cute, almost dog/cat-like personality. It’s really fun, to be around and use.

Now let’s talk about the implications of the future Pokemon found in area zero.

I’m fairly certain that in both version of the games these paradox Pokemon are violent and can be beyond anyone’s control. As seen with professor Turo/Sada. Now in Sada’s case, that would seem obvious right? She literally took Pokemon that were from a million years ago, during a time where humans probably didn’t exist yet. Of course these Pokemon unfamiliar with mankind in general would be prone to lash out at them, right? So what’s the deal with the futuristic Pokemon? All of them seem to be robots of some design, so wouldn’t it be logical that they obey human commands, like most current Pokemon do? Why are they so volatile then? Well I have two theories on this. One is that humanity died out and left the planet in an almost uninhabitable state. So much that some or many Pokemon species had to become more mechanical to survive. Who knows? Maybe even some Mewtwo had a hand in altering their genetic structure, so they might live? The second theory I have is basically just that humans in the future are made of far more sturdier stuff then present people in Pokemon. 

Either way, I had a fun time. Though I probably won’t bother with the post-game stuff until Gamefreak updates the scvi to fix their blatant bugs.

To any Gamefreak/Nintendo person who may be reading this: Please, there’s no need to rush your games. Take time to have a break once in a while. Spend time with your friends and family. An overworked head will not bring out the best you have the offer. We don’t need a Pokemon game every year. Heck you don’t even have to release any side games for a while. Just focus on the next gen for now and if you need to delay a game, do it. I at least will understand.

[roachliquid]

The thing about having unusual bone structure (autism-related skull oddities, kyphosis) is that it magnified every single trans egg anxiety I had about looking "ugly" for a girl. My face was shaped wrong. My eyes were too small and close together. My hump - don't even get me started on my hump, which I was assured was a Normal Benign Inherited Thing but I had never seen on anyone outside close family, and made me feel, well, disfigured.

Combined with the fact that I've always been fat, and carry weight in an unfeminine (and frankly unbalanced) way... it made me feel like I was failing in every possible way at being the girl I was "supposed" to be. And it was worse because I didn't understand how to be a girl, or even how to want to be one. I was falling short of goals that seemed to be of paramount importance, but with no idea of what I could even start to do to reach them.

And everything I tried just made me feel worse. Cute dresses heightened my dysphoria. Makeup (inexpertly, but decently applied) just seemed awkward and ill-fitting. Nice hairstyles made me feel like someone's dress-up doll - made to fit someone else's idea of beauty without any regard for my feelings. No matter what I did or tried, every avenue just made me feel shapeless and undesirable, like I had been born to fail at the one thing I was explicitly supposed to do (get married, have kids, etc.)

My mom never noticed any of this. While I was comparing myself to people in film and around town, she simply compared me to other family members and concluded I was an adequately well-formed specimen, outside of her own internalized fatphobia that she (sometimes subtly, sometimes blatantly) extended to me. The result is that whenever I tried to address any of this distress with her, her response - that there was nothing wrong with me, I was perfectly cute and charming, I just had to look and act nice - felt tantamount to gaslighting. So it was I grew up feeling like I was actually ugly as hell, and the only person with the power to help me with the problem thought it didn't exist.

I cannot stress enough the pain this caused me, and still does. It's only been recently, in learning why I look the way I do, that I've come to start healing and even appreciating the way I look. Knowing that my traits are unusual - but not uncommon, and certainly not inherently unappealing - has made a massive difference in the way I see myself, and reduced the intense discomfort I've always had with my own appearance.

In the end, they're weird bones, but they're my weird bones. I'm not a defective version of some ideal human form - I'm a perfectly regular example of the type of human I actually am. That just happens to be the type with weird bones.