#I talked abt this in therapy recently lol

[ardentpoop]

I don’t think im cut out to be a Real Author for several (self-deprecating) reasons, but chief among them is that I WOULD be the type to have a nervous breakdown looking at my goodreads reviews every 2 seconds. which would probably make me fucking insufferable to be around

[goethitee]

oooo i think im in trouble…….

[haveateadude]

bleak horizons

summary *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ yeah, okay. maybe you're sad.

warnings *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ depression, self-harm, mommy issues (dw there's A LOT of fluff and cuddles and hugging and it all ends up alright) this is just talked about but it can still be triggering!!!!! pls take care of yourselves!!!!!!!! my dms are open :)

author notes *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ wasn't planning on posting this but i love validation. also, this is not like cannon ellie i guess?? i did a really bad characterization bc i used this as a vent and i just wanted comfort lmao. hope this still makes y'all feel seen or fucking something. btw this first part is really boring hehe, i wrote this when i was in a rush and in a train and i was tired and sad so i don't mind if it flops lol

i hate this so much idk why i'm posting this as my first pots. aghh. here u go ig. don't hate on me. bye.

(not proofread, sorry abt that)

pt1 — pt2 — pt3

you look so out of it

pull it together

we can love you

forever and ever

I've recently moved in with Ellie after weeks of looking for someone to move in.

I had checked other apartments, but this was the one that didn't smell like there was a corpse under my feet, hidden from the light beneath the floor and it didn't look like it was haunted by ghosts. The walls weren't chipping away, also, so that was a plus. There's no denying that getting used to living with someone else was difficult, but it was the only alternative to live away from my parents. Not to mention I had developed feelings for Ellie—she's beautiful, with those eyes and auburn hair, and her tattoos just make her look fucking badass.

After a few weeks, I settled in with her: we both have a routine, and established unspoken rules, and now it's comfortable living with her.

Tonight was a lovely night—I had already finished everything I had to do, and I didn't have an exam until next week, probably—until I got a call from my mother. I know I can't run away from this one. She always threatens to unroll me from college and take me home when I don't answer her calls. And I know she's capable of doing so.

“Hello?” I said as I went out to the kitchen, to take a glass of water.

“You know, most people say something sweet when they answer their mother.”

I roll my eyes, even if she can't see me. It was just a fucking hello.

“What happened, Mom?” I ask, not wanting to fight.

She takes a second to answer, “Well—I was looking at some resources and there are a lot near your area…”

She takes a second to answer, “Well—I was looking at some resources and there are a lot near your area…”

“Resources about what?”

“Therapy. Conversion therapy.”

It takes all of myself not to gasp, or cry. I don't know. I hear Ellie going out of her room, and walking towards the kitchen. I don't care if she's here; I haven't been caring about anything these past few days.

“Okay,” Is all you say. I don't know how to answer, or what to do. I leave the glass on the aisle with trembling hands.

“That's all you have to say?”

“I—I don't know what you want me to say.”

“‘Thank you’, maybe?” I stay quiet, I don't want to thank her, I don't want her to speak to me ever again. “You could also get therapy for, you know…”

“For what, mother?”

“The cutting. Your scars—I always thought they looked repulsive. No one is going to lov—”

I hung up before she could say anything else. I hate her. I hate my mother. I can't even believe she's a mother, let alone mine. I suddenly feel the need to hurt, and I hate to admit it, but my mother has always been right about the way they look—so I just shut my eyes and try to breathe. It always helps—deep breathing, that is. I have to remind myself that I'm clean. I've been clean for months. Maybe even a year, I lost count.

“You okay?”

Ellie's voice almost makes me flinch, already having forgotten about her. I open my eyes as she walks over to me and lays her elbows on the aisle, while I rest my back on the counter behind her.

I look at her, with a knot in my throat, “I'm fine.”

“Your mother…” She makes a pause, short enough to not make me go crazy, “Is she, like, a pain in the ass?”

I chuckle at that as I cross my arms, “Yeah.”

“If it gets too bad, you can talk to me. I don't mind. And my dad has some contacts, we can maybe scare your mother away.”

“It's okay,” I tell her with a smile. “I can manage.”

“I know,” She smiles, and I can feel my heart fluttering in my chest.

Before I say anything I regret, I go to your room with my door open—a technique I've acquired to avoid hurting myself.

I sit at my desk and look up conversion therapy first, I want to know what this is all about—I know that it's harmful to people in the community, that it leaves you screwed and fucked up. I don't like what pops up on my screen, so I close the tab and go to another one—where I search for therapy. The real one.

I went to a lot of therapy sessions, but my mother was always behind them, so I don't know if it ever was effective. I like this one a lot better. It should be helpful. It will help, I know that for a fact.

I'm having dinner with Ellie, which we normally do—today we ordered, since we were hungry and it always takes a little while to prep a meal—when I think to ask her about the topic.

“Do you know any therapy center?” I ask her. “Or the number of a therapist? Whatever.”

If she's curious, she doesn't show it. She stops chewing on her food, then looks at me; then continues to chew, and after she swallows she speaks, “Sure, I have some friends that go to the same therapist, so it's completely trustworthy, I guess. I can ask for the number.”

I wipe my mouth with the napkin on my side, “Yeah, that'd be alright.”

Ellie takes a sip from her cup and then looks at me, “You okay, though…?”

“I'm fine, just—you know, making sure everything's okay.”

She nods, “Got it—I was just asking.”

After my first therapy session, I ended up tired. My therapist—which feels weird to say out loud and even in my head—is a nice lady in her thirties who looks like a hippie.

I've realized I tend to lie a lot—I didn't talk about self-harm or my mother. Or anything else, really. Just about the movie Speak, and then almost cried when talking about the weather.

So, “Yeah, it went well,” is my answer when Ellie asks how it went, sitting in her car. She picked me up since I had taken my car to maintenance.

“Okay, then,” she says once the car engine starts. She connects her phone to Bluetooth, and we listen to music for a while. Ellie places her hand on my knee when I start bouncing my leg, which sends shivers down my spine and gives my brain something to think of that isn't any of my shit. “Do you want to go eat something?”

“Sure,” I accept. Her thumb makes little circles on my knee. I wonder if she knows what she's doing, her eyes are still fixated on the road. My heart does the flutter thing that it did a few days back again, and my core heats up.

She doesn't want you, I try to convince myself. She's your friend, she doesn't want you. She will fall in love with you, not your brain nor your scars, and when she finds out about the way you think she'll leave.

When we arrived at the restaurant, we ordered a plate together, since we always share and the food here comes in big sizes that we wouldn't finish if we ate it separately.

When we arrive at the restaurant, we order a plate together, since we always share and the food here comes in big sizes that we won't finish if we ate it separately.

“So, how's work?” I ask when we're waiting for our food.

“It's going well, I guess.”

“You guess?”

"I just hate my boss."

I furrow my eyebrows, “do you want to talk about it?”

“It's fine, he just sucks. But well, Jesse is postulating to—you know, be a boss; that fucker.”

I chuckle, “Well, I like Jesse.” I soon realize what I said, and my cheeks go red. “Not in a, uh, romantic way or anything. You know. Fuck. He's just nice.”

“Just nice?”

“I like you better than him,” I blurt out, which only adds to my embarrassment.

Oh, oh.

I like Ellie.

Fuck, yeah. You do.

Who am I kidding, I knew I did. From the start—from the first time she looked at me, for the first time touched my hand and spoke to me; for the first time she played guitar for me and made dinner because she knew how tired I was.

Ellie is flushed. I can tell.

“Oh, do you?” She asks with a grin.

The waitress comes with our food, and leaves the plate. I look at her, she looks at me at Ellie and then leaves.

I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and lay my elbow on the table, with my chin propped up in my hand.

“What if I do?”

She bites her lip, looks at mine and then at the food, “The food's getting cold.”

What the fuck. What the actual fuck. Did that actually happen, or was it my imagination? Holy shit. Shit! Fucking fuck.

It leaves me thinking, but my thoughts leave when I hear her laughter after I crack a joke.

We take the stairs up the apartment, and we laugh all the way up. We just laugh and laugh and laugh because she said something and now I'm almost falling to the floor from how much my stomach hurts.

“Stop,” I say when we get to our apartment door. I keep laughing because Ellie's laughing too and she can't open the door. “My stomach hurts.”

She looks at me and laughs. Idiot. I laugh, too.

“Hey!” We hear our neighbor say. “Quiet down!”

“We're sorry!” I exclaim back, as he closes his door.

Ellie giggles, “You're so fucking dumb, I'm not sorry at all.”

“Shut up,” I say.

“Oh, make me.”

And then—oh, god—and then, and then she looks at me as the curvature of my lips goes down, and then I kiss her.

I kissed her. I fucking did. Me, not her—not Ellie's brave and confident ass, but mine. The butterfly in my chest flutters harder when she kisses back. She puts both of her hands on my waist and deepens the kiss, while my hand moves from her cheeks to her neck, then finds its way to her torso.

Ellie manages to open the door without breaking the kiss, and then she shuts the door with her foot.

“We should—” I speak between kisses. “Ellie—couch.”

“Yeah, okay. Okay.”

Our tongues fight, but our souls mend and I find my way to her in every sense. 

[thesleepysystem]

system introduction !

hi, we are the sleepy system ! we are a traumagenic did system and are recently discovered

ive (travis) been questioning on and off for about three years, i think ? im making this acc to interact w/ other systems and document my experiences, as well as get better at communicating w/ my alters.

travis / samuel - https://www.tumblr.com/thesleepysystem/742866365813276672/host-introduction?source=share

sarah - no intro, caretaker, 23, she/her

jack - no intro, persecutor, he/him

red - no intro, avenger

loki - no intro, fictive, all pronouns

choso - no intro, fictive, he/she

rot - no intro, unknown role, he/him

info abt us !!

we have autism, adhd, multiple mental illnesses, and are physically disabled.

we're artists !! we'll start posting art eventually lol

im (travis) not very good at talking so please dont dm / pm us unless its important ;_;

we support para's but are anti-contact for harmful para's and encourage ppl w/ harmful para's to seek therapy, we dont want MAPs to interact with us due to trauma, we also do not care abt radqueers and are completely neutral on them, we follow both radqueers and anti's and also allow both groups to follow us. DO NOT INVOLVE US WITH PARA OR RADQUEER DISCOUSRE THAT INVOLVES MAPS, GROOMING, SA / CSA / COCSA, ED, SH, OR ABUSE, IF WE WANT TO INTERACT WITH THAT DISCOUSRE WE WILL DO SO ON OUR OWN TERMS.

we post abt syscourse and queer discourse, if that makes you uncmfortable then i dont recommend following

our blog is VERY reblog heavy !!

i'll add more if i think of anything :)

DNI: right wingers, bigots, anti-endos / sysmeds, transmeds, anti-shippers, anyone who interacts w/ cringe culture, ppl who think transandrophobia does not exist / is transmisogynistic, MAPs, i'll add more if i think of anything.

[camo1000le]

Give us your Oweddy thoughts!!! I love your art of them so much I want to hear your thoughts <3

Awww tysm 🥺💞 I love drawing them, to the point I'm geniunely worried

I have a lot of specific hcs about them (mostly because I'm slowly stealing them to turn them into OCs for... something) so here's a little rundown in their story! (Let's hope it's actually little!!)

AKA long post weird AU you released a beast (me infodumping)

When they're tiny:

They met when they're 12 at their new school: Owynn moved because of bullying (the kids used to make fun of him bc he was tall/redhead/has heterocromia and even cut his hair, that's why he has it very short now) and Freddy moved to a whole new country (from Spain to wherever fhs happens). Freddy is Mexican while Owynn's dad is swedish (he was not born there)

They find eachother to be very weird but share many tastes and life events, like the bullying and missing a parent (Owynn is more direct and likes to insult his mom while Freddy doesn't talk abt it- Ow didn't even knew he had an adoptive dad).

They form a music duo for the spring event, since they were such good friends maybe they could work together well! Also Freddy acts kinda weird and sometimes forgets they have rehearsals after-hours but it doesn't matter bc he says sorry and he's cute!!

There's a whole drama with Owynn's parents in the middle of that but i wont bore you with that (unless you want me to)

Anyways the event happens Owynn can't come in time so Freddy goes alone and he wins but ow feels betrayed and blah blah blah they're enemies now and he hates Freddy (a 12 years old kid with a lot of mental troubles for that age)

Bc yes Fred is there but Owynn ofc didn't know, even if he actually talked very often with him too. In fact is kinda his fault Fred makes fun of Freddy so much (He's mad he lost his only best friend 🥺)

(Guess who remembers the rehearsals and the songs and owen cursing his mom)

Middle part where we watch Owynn go insane:

Literally. They kinda hate everyone but their dad now.

Moved school again, classmate with Abby and company actually! (Tho y'know abby she's... insane) so they don't talk. Also the Nightmares used to live closer to that school so they bullied him there until Owynn broke all of Onnie's teeth.

They meet Ttrap too: he's older in my AU (while ow is 15 he would be 17), he tries to get Owynn to therapy bc it's really fucking weird/sad he only talks abt Freddy or abt how much they dislike themself so. Yeah. He succeds and Owynn gets... to move schools again, yay!!

Ow starts developing schizoprenia, doesn't get the diagnosis until very later. (Prodomal stage/negative symptoms rn)

Also kinda starts discovering himself (being gay/nonbinary, doesn't really ditch the he/him pronouns until much later). Also dyes their hair purple

I don't have recent drawings of cringy sad 15y/o owen

What would equal the 1st season of the series:

Freddy moves to the HS and says his funny discourse (qué? Que quién soy yo? 🤓) Who would've though a certain kid that hates him was there to see it and died right there.

After realizing they share classroom Owynn pressures Ttrap into changing them to another one, hides his freckles/dyes his hair a darker color/uses normal glasses to not be recognized. Explaining his absence from the 1st season /j

So we have time to look at Freddy. He's struggling, Fred is being annoying; they explode at the camp where Freddy bumps into Owen who tells him to fuck off and never talk to them bc they hate him and Freddy says: "who are you?" to them. :D

Fred facepalms and takes control of the body.

Owynn develops his plan to destroy Freddy's band or whatever. Also dyes his hair again.

2nd season!!

And Owynn is in full delusional mode. The whole 'boss' thing is Eak and Ttrap going along with them so they can decompress lol

He does his little introduction and dumb plans to sabotage that obviously don't work at the end but they're actually very good bc he... actually does know what he's doing (making usagi & loon have trouble/separate golden from the group/the whole Toys thing)

But eventually it doesn't matter/the spring event thing happens ; Owynn gets hit by a car and breaks their arm

The secret 3rd season // last school year

Owynn goes back to lay low, gets his schizophrenia diagnosis so therapy+meds!! Good for them!

Freddy gets the therapy+meds combo too! Fred is chilling now :]

So Freddy now attempts to talk to Owynn but they run away from him to not cause him trouble anymore. And that goes for a while until they talk it out: They'll get time to talk alone, but Freddy also wants them to meet the rest of his band so they can get friends, Owynn accepts; but isn't a fan lf the idea.

Eventually they fall in love again (fall? Ow never stopped liking him honestly) and they date. But it takes a very long time to get there but they're so very lovely <3

ALSO yes Fred and Owynn also fix their relationship, they're besties again <3

[gltzgghln]

I talk about traumatic hyperempathy and attempted suicide

i wish there were more posts about people who have hyperempathy like me?

Like not feeling bad for objects, feeling extreme emotional distress when someone vents

I have attempted/considered suicide over people's problems. There was a time where I couldn't get out of bed because I was so emotionally impacted by a friend's trauma. Recently I overheard someone vent abt college and I hit my head on a freezer 20+ times

It's mainly due to attention seeking patterns because I am a victim of emotional negligence. This isn't me being like "Stop traumadumping lol??" this is "Hey I am at risk of putting myself in danger if I hear that ppl are hurt"

This is my first time talking about my hyperempathy on here for a while. I'm in therapy for it and I may need more counselors but yea

[gok1bvri72]

Salutations and greetings my dear friend. I have noticed a post on how upset you feel and how you'd like someone to talk about Lyney with.

Well do not fear , I am here!

Not only will I talk about Lyney , I also give comfort and therapy , for free bcuz that's what friends are :D ( I also love venti so we can talk Abt our bard boi <3 )

I hope you are having a good day / afternoon / night. I want to tell you that even though i only know very little of you, I want to say I'm proud of you. You are an amazing person , and I'm happy to chat with you any time <3

If you'd like , I can give you my discord or twitter acc , or we can message here ,on Tumblr :D <3

i have a bunch of Lyney memes I found on Pinterest btw :>

HELLO YES?? WHAT HAVE I DONE RECENTLY FOR LORD BARBATOS TO SEND ME ONE OF HIS HOLY MESSENGERS I IMMEDIATELY LOVE YOU💫💫

Ahem- sorry I'm not used to all the likes and nice feedback I've been getting from my Lyney content lol It makes me so happy to see all the nice stuff you guys have to say so I kinda explode with positivity whenever one of you reaches out to say hi to me T-T

Yeah I would love to share my Discord and Twitter with you!! I can send you my Discord through private but since my Twitter is public it's @adelitatheboba !!

You've only ever been nice to me and I'm often really slow with replies and I'm still figuring out Tumblr- but I'll write whatever you ask me to (with in reason lol) as thanks! You are genuinely so nice and you have no idea how happy I am that you reached out q-q💛💛💛

I'm excited to be friends and I hope you can bare my nonstop rambling about Lyney, Venti, Kazuha, and Len ('□`)💫💫💫

[irrealisms]

☕️ + we know the devil. i know ur icon is venus wktd & i’d LOVE to hear ur thoughts on the game if u’ll indulge me

ABSOLUTELY so we know the devil is something i have.... deeply and profoundly bittersweet feelings about

when i was 14 and had my first real experience of The Divine which led to me getting put on antipsychotics i latched onto Venus very very hard. i had the same haircut as venus and i was constantly kind and self-effacing and sincere and compulsively apologetic and i saw lights and angels around every corner and there was Something i wanted, and it was connected, the wanting and the lights, i wanted it in and around me and the entire world, but i didn't know what i wanted or what to do with all the want. and my previous blog's avatar was venus wktd not in her devil form but as a human.

and now i am 21 and i am not a queer high schooler, i am Catholic, and the thing I wanted so desperately that my entire life was bending around that want wasn't the devil or being trans or gay sex? it was God, the God that the game is so intensely angry at, the God in whose name troubled teen camps are made that convince high schoolers they are the devil & the devil is freedom and love & God is everyone you are afraid of and told you that you are not good enough and you are going to hell. the thing that I wanted wasn't what the girls in wktd want, it was the thing that hurt them. and, like... what do you do with that? bc the game is coming from a place of such trauma that i can't be mad at it, only mad at every church that caused it to exist, and at the same time it still speaks to the part of me that is 14 and seeing light that i know i should be afraid of and wanting it instead, and being desperate for a story in which this is [holy and good and beautiful and Right, the sort of thing to show the whole world] and not the sort of thing that gets you sent to the guidance counselor or the hospital

and my icon then was venus's human form and now it is her devil form because.... i get to have what i want now, i guess.

and i've also thought and talked somewhat about venus as psychosis narrative/as a textually psychotic character lol & there's also absolutely something abt, like, me age 14 was incredibly incredibly scared of myself & pursued/went on antipsychotics/therapy/psychiatry willingly vs. i started this blog not long after Going Off antipsychotics and being very critical and wary of therapy/psychiatry

also this whole thing is about venus but i do also have an immense outpouring of thoughts about jupiter.... i have a lot of the same ocd [i am too much Want and it is going to hurt everyone and there is nothing i can do about it, i am evilwrongbadcontaminated for my Want and i cannot stop it, i am inherently violent and hurting others by Wanting] Stuff as she does. however it's uh kind of super funny-inconvenient that in a lot of ways i have them in the Opposite direction recent years-- see, well, a lot of the above... i wasn't raised Christian and i actually feel quite guilty a lot of the time about being and wanting to be Christian! because it hurts people in the way Jupiter is hurt! but at the same time i find that [repressing myself and my wanting] to be so deeply relatable. and it's not that i don't find Jupiter's direction unrelatable, either... i have a lot of issues around [finding kink very appealing] which are very Jupitercore lol

and also on a surface level in general i spent my childhood and teen years in girl scouts in a group of Three Friends where one of us was perpetually being left out due to The Buddy System and it depended on the year which of us it would be. and now they have both graduated college and moved away and i have not been in a group of three or at a scout camp making bad decisions at 3am in years... it's very much a game that was made for me at one time and now i have outgrown in some ways. it's complicated!

anyway this post is long enough but. point is. ohhhhh it was so influential on me and it shapes the narrative of my life and also i am at a point where i am opposed to it (in the sense of, standing on the opposite side from) in many ways and this is kind awkward but also it is still a part of me. feel free 2 ask/talk more to me abt it i love talking abt it tbh

[babieken]

thank u for sharing your rant about kpop reactions videos! so i'm not the only one that finds difficult to encounter sincere and constructive reviews lately :(

With trying new yt channels, it started to literally bother me how most seem to have only complete excitement and compliments for any cb they review, no constructive opinions. The thing I love the most is when a reactor is informed (at least about the basics) and has some level of enrichment to bring to the table: filming, editing, music structure, lore (very rare) etc.

And let's not talk about the scary quantity of ppl who don't add literally anything to the rection and most of the time don't really have a clue of what they are doing 🤡 it's only for the views, right?

I do mostly follow 4gen groups now, apart from mx and a couple more, so I guess it's easier for me to find a few more enjoyable reactions since channels now seem to mostly do them about those groups... I did find some new channels that have what I'm looking for, but they do focus on recent music, since they are newer to the kpop scene. Still, the reactors I enjoy can be counted with a single hand lol. And form of therapy is (used to be?) one of those because of how articulated their reactions are.

Yeah exactly… like the majority of the new reactors (especially men) just sit there with their headphones bopping their head (sometimes off beat🤣) and say ‘cool’ and ‘dope’ sometimes….

Among the reactors I actually liked is caitlin benson who is also the person i talked abt in the rant who said they’re not enjoying reacting anymore. Like she’s real enough to admit that. And u could tell she really actually got into monsta x bc she ended up going to their US shows. iirc it was their first kpop concert. (Like the chose monsta x (and maybe ateez iirc) to see live amongst all the groups theyve been reacting to) and did a lot of deep dive into them.)

I guess it would make sense if ppl reacted to a limited number of groups instead of EVERY comeback from EVERY group. And BE REAL abt it! Like if i were a reactor id only react to monsta x, exo, pentagon and maybe sf9 and onlyoneof. And i would have criticism for them and I certainly wouldn’t like all of their releases anyway bc some stuff just arent my taste regardless of being by my bias groups!

[izukuisbaby]

thank you sweetheart ! personnally, i'm so lazy for clean my room lmao but you motivated me qjsdqljflj.

i'm not really used to tell abt my passions but it makes me so happy that you ask me for ❤️​. sry in advance if it's gonna be boring lmaoo. one of my passions is the music, i play guitar and i sing too, i love accompany my voice with the sound of strings like, so pretty, and its have all a mood when it's 3:00 am, you're just standing there, lonely and take a good time dqjfjkqsdjjfj.

but the one that i love so much is the reason why i'm on tumblr, like, u know, i discovered tumblr by chance ; i've clicked on a link and it brought me to an account that was translating a manga and made ff of it. so, i've just read it a little and stop using tumblr for a long moment, but one time, just like that, idk why but i went back to check the app and i wanted to see if some people were making hc, and at my BIG surprise, there were a lot of accounts just incrrrrr and its like that i've found you ( waw, what a story ✨✨ ). and ouh, I'm starting to stray from the original topic lol, but yes, my big and beloved passion is the writing, like, since i was so young, i was always reading and trying to writing at my turn, i have a big shelf with a large quantity of notebook that i had writing when i was in primary, and recently, i've go back to those stories and omg, it was so cringe but so cute, and i've realized that i was always love this thing.SOWW, when i've been seeing all of those writers in tumblr, i said to myself... why i don't try, and here, i can devote more time for my passion that is writing, and im currently working on some things ( like hc, ff & stories ) and KJDKQSJDFH. u don't even know how it makes me happy, and besides, ur account inspires so much, i found your writing so original, and i can personnally see, when i read your account that you really try to stay true to the characters, and its make them so real, i will not be shook if there was this in the anime & manga.

i also love the way my two passions suits so well together, i can write and compose song for after sing them, WELL, here's my little everyday joys.

omg, i've talked too much, DON'T BLAME ME, i always turn into a chatterbox slqhdjjhjfhqjh.

then you, do you have any passion 👀?

im so glad to hear that i motivated u 🤭 AND I DIDNT FIND IT BORING AT ALL, u speak of ur passions w such fascination it makes it super interesting to read !!!

i would love to sing well because i have so much things to let out through music but im not gifted 💀 music must be kind of ur therapy and it must be so soothing

AND OMG THE BACKSTORY OF U FINDING MY ACC IS SO CUTE 🥲 which character were u seeking fics for 👀?

and i love love love painting and just daydreaming/romanticizing my life 😭, thank u 4 asking 🥰

[rynnlovers]

HELLO (rynn first)

1. energy? - bottom but dom or sub depends (he could literally be anything you like, esp. if the you is oswald)

2. turning on/off - on - honestly physical touching but like sexually enough (but if its os, honestly that man turns him on 24/7 w/o a break they could be just talking and rynn's a lil bit like "ah if he could just rail me rn" ps. os would never) off - MISGENDERING. MISGENDERING HIM IS A VOLCANO OF RED FLAG. mommy of our kids? NO dada of our kids? YES. WHY ARE YALL SO FUCKING STUPId. any mention of being enslaved probably. or like cheating. any mention of oswald (bad light) as well. and if for os just when rynn asks him to stop and he doesn't (os would never(2))

3. how long before climax? - it depends. but rynn's usually pretty sensitive so os have to be doosy with his technique to like make him go on for a bit (usually very torturously, rynn's begging to let him cimmy lol 😭) aka. edging. it's just os edging rynn like hell.

4. sensitive part - behind his neck (i have recently learned from ao3 that this part is called nape. its extremely. sexy-), the root of his red hair is very sensitive. also his chest part probably (although rynn fucking hates it isbskssk.)

5. seducing them - just push him against the wall and keep kissing him. peeling off clothes is also a good signal.

6. masturbation how often - every time he feels like killing himself (u might be saying WHAT but its true, this man is quite sick in the head and use sexual pleasure as a homemade antidepressant) before therapy tho. after therapy and sharing room with os probably once a week. biweekly at best. mostly bc os wouldn't fuck hi-

7. fav positions- fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk im too ace for this ugh why idk idk idk probably when os is pinning his hands up, hugging him or squeezing his waist.

8. losing virginity - oh this is gonna be sad but his first is probably not very consensual but its where he learned sex really sale. (learned body sale when he was a kid but probably not zex)

9. fav place - uh idk bed. he also likes it on os' desk ig.

10. been caught? - nah. this man can detect footsteps from 10 miles ago. if u caught him he's probably either horny out of his mind (actually not that often if you'd believe me), or wanted you to walk in on him.

11. loud or quiet - quiet with anyone else (like biting lips not to get too loud), loud with os (also biting lips but fucking hell everything + os' "i want to hear you, rynn." is NOT helping.

12. sex toys - oh he owns an entire warehouse imma tell you.

13. giving or receiving - he really likes giving but melts into puddle of nothing when receiving.

14. sex how often - girl it depends on os not him.

15. biggest sexual desire - having os treat him like a prisoner probably. (OS WOULD NEVER. RYNN, WAKE UP. 3)

16. best term to describe - big ego small hole (why am i like this)

17. uh hes trans. idk what to describe but everyone has commented rynn's really small once.

18. what think abt masturbating? - os.

just os. has been os since he lost his virginity. has been os every time he had sex.

19. sexual orientation- i'd say pan but imma just go with allo (cause rynn's aroallo.) bc most his life it's not really sexual attraction that drove him to have sex, it's more like i just want the feelings or it's for work. he's starting to change his mindset about it just mow so we'll have to wait and see.

20. fav things to do - oh he was on another level of dopamine when he was giving os a handjob when os was begging him to stop lol. if bottom um being a cum dump…

21. weirdest place - uh its probably categorized as a half-public but it was an empty meeting room.

22. fav place to be kissed - behind his neck. it always tickles his brain the right way. (ps. biting it while in-out-ing is sometimes more effective at getting him over the edge than just slamming)

23. worst experience - every non-con or very political + the man was being an absolute dick. ones.

24. orgasmed more than once? - oh hell yes he likes being overstimulated (os could only do it with toys- so os would usually never.)

25. how often think abt sex - uh. like a man? (idk personally)

26. self-conscious abt any part? - oh a lot of parts… he doesn't like the booba and his v . (bc gender dysphoria, and it being commented on poorly in the past.) he usually hates it but has been opening up to os to like yk use it… uh yeah.

27. how long does usually last - it dependss but rynn usually holds on pretty well. not well only with os istg this man is a different breed or rynn's brain has a special segment just for os in bed.

28. serious during sex? - how does one be serious during sex… but like no. hes just a babbling mess…

29. i can't think of one rn but probably dom rynn, he really likes it hahahah.

[relicarios-de-dor]

I think it's important to say that I lived in a time when Tumblr was a no man's land, that being said, if for some reason you want to poke around in my more archaic posts, you'll see some really bizarre things. following….

I'm a woman, a chaos, born in the 90s, pansexual, currently in a long-term relationship with another woman. I'm a neurodivergent person, chronically d3pre5sed, anx1ous, b0rd3r, b1p0l4r, with unspecified t.a - explaining: I had a no eating period and when happened i puk3d; then I had a very compulsive period and so it has been; su1c1d@l (but medicat3d nowadays), a cvutt3r (now I get tattoos ¯⁠\⁠⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠⁠/⁠¯), and I recently discovered that i can say "religious tr4uma"✨ instead os explainig why i don't like religion/church people. ps: I'm not talking about faith.

This year I graduate as a psychologist! lol ⁠ (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；) I love my profession but it scares me so much… anyway〈("≧⁠∇⁠≦⁠).

Before medication I felt more creative, I used to write and draw more easily; I like art therapy, I miss the liberating feeling. I still draw from time to time but nothing original and I rarely write - this year I'm going to try to do it again little by little.

I have 2 dogs and one is very old, she held me to cry when I needed it, she knew exactly when I wasn't well and she didn't let me go… I rly don't deserve this 4-legged angel.

I like dorama, kpop (annyeonghaseyo Stay imnida!)+, yuri/yaoi ⁠(͡⁠°⁠ₒ ͡⁠°⁠), talk abt sexuality and kinkies ⁠(͡⁠°⁠ₒ ͡⁠°⁠); YES, PLS ASK ME ABT PSYCHOLOGY, I'LL LOVE TALKING ABT IT!!!, I love rambling abt random questions of existence, criticizing patriarchy, male chauvinism, sexism, white men and Karens embarassing themselves just cuz it's free, anyway…

If you read all of this, identified yourself in some way and followed me… pls PLEASE feel free to come and talk - it will take me a while to answer you cuz I'll panic, but I'll answer! promise! (◍⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠◍ ⁠)❤

So making clear: I am NOT pro an4/m1a, sh, any other things related to the mental health conditions I mentioned above (⁠٥⁠↼⁠_⁠↼⁠). The things that are written here are personal vents.

welcome!

[bellsliturgy]

sry for the lack of activity on my part here it’s been v stressful wrt the crimis season i’m dealing with a lot of small things and a couple really big things and it makes me want to eat my own hands more details under the cut if ur interested (tw mention of a horrible certain swamp scum transphobe author; fellow transpersons beware)

1) my gma is 85 and is on her last legs idk how much longer she’s got left in her and with her being in the hospital with afib (atrial fibrillation for those who dont know, basically her heart is beating 2 fast and out of rhythm (but afib can be any kind of heart beating speed, it just means it’s Not Normal) and the winter storm she is staying with us which means my mom is more Aggressive and Demanding and Hateful towards me and dad bc idk i guess hosting ur small quiet kind grandma calls for attacking your husband and child (very important ingredient cannot skip)(btw my grandma is fine she’s just very weak and is struggling to physically move around by herself but insurance company is refusing to let her go to a physical rehab center for treatment???? lol????? hashtag AICAB (all insurance companies are bastards)

2) speaking of whom i also came out to my mom as trans after an argument abt justa kunt r*wling (mom doesnt know anything abt how nasty of a creature wizard bitch is but i’m still like mom pls there are better authors out there with fictional work that isn’t harmful) book that she bought for my cousin’s step-daughter (she’s fucking NINE) and i was so triggered i was like i need to get this out it’s weighing on me (it was every time i wanted to come out to her and didn’t it was so damaging to me mentally) so that was wild and lukewarm but she didn’t kick me out of the house and says she loves me and wouldn’t reject me no matter what (unless grandma is around??? for some reason idk) so while that is a good thing it’s still been a very hard birthday month for ya boi greg

3) i’m also on the phones at work which in itself isn’t a bad thing because the calls i get are from ladies who work at the courts across the state and they are for the most part very nice and easy to work with but i have Big Phone Anxiety thanks to my time working at the call center for the same agency (i don’t even answer the phone at home anymore and i get scared when it rings, members of public are nasty and i hate them and they belong in a zoo) so that’s causing me anxiety at night andd also at work even tho when i’m actually talking on the phone it’s not really an issue it’s just the Anticipation of a Call

4) i’m in therapy!!!! with a transgender therapist and he’s WONDERFUL but we are focusing more on cbt (cognitive behavioral therapy) which is digging up a lot of pain for me and forcing me to deal with my emotions and my past trauma so THAT’s A LOT and now i have “I came Out to my MOM” for him for next time so that will be interesting (i need to just let myself cry in front of him i have a VERY hard time crying in front of ppl bc i was horribly abused for crying at a babysitter’s house but that’s 1) very heavy and 2) neither here nor there)

5) BEACUSE OF ALL THE STRESS and cold weather my lip split open and 2 canker sores formed in the split area so that’s been cool

6) christmas is just stressful for me and also my mom has been On One this whole month because murphy’s law keeps going into effect w grandma being in the hospital and her brother my uncle suggesting we have christmas separate because of covid (he and my aunt both had covid VERY recently), grandma being sick in the hospital, and the winter storm and i also have 3 cakes i’m baking so THAT’s stressful to think about and i just want it to be over lollll

[troglobite]

it may loosely be beginning to sink in that the reason i don’t want to let go of hating myself or being critical of myself or being in that headspace where like. offering myself kindness is repulsive.

is bc

if it’s that easy

then why did others not do it?

not sure i really want to reckon w a world where ppl treating me like shit for so long, and even continuing to do it, isn’t bc i’m inherently unlovable or awful or even just annoying. 

like if i’m terrible or awful and it’s my fault, then at least something makes sense. 

idk.

but also whenever i talk/think abt this shit abt how ppl treated me terribly or something i’m always like

“it wasn’t that fucking bad”

except

my parents had me moving schools repeatedly due to bullying and the fact that i was nearly sick every morning w dread bc i didn’t want to go to school

and my mom put me in therapy when i was young bc of my anxiety

and when the therapist said nice things to me i clung to them as tightly as i could

even when i insulted myself (as part of an exercise) she complimented me for how my brain worked, being specific and categorizing things

and thinking abt now makes me wanna cry lol

or y’know

that time where some girls who bullied me all the time made friends w my only Really Good friend at school

and she kept abandoning me for them

so they drew up a fucking contract for it

then immediately breached contract

and yelled and laughed at me

i ran crying to my math teacher

nothing was fixed

or--

yeah i’m just. uh. thinking abt it all. now. 

i really only got through most of that bc. i hated them right back. i didn’t...bully them. i never said/did anything to their face. i just. coped. alone. w my parents. by saying all the things i hated abt them. insulting their intelligence and their priorities. insulting them by calling them mean and petty and lazy. never to their face. but it was all i had to feel better.

and i heard the “stop reacting and they’ll leave you alone” bullshit so many times

but truly my mom tried everything to help

my parents talking to teachers and other parents only ever made it worse

teachers tried helping and it never stopped

past a certain point, teachers and parents stop intervening. 

so you kind of just have to cope. on your own. 

i both want to just Break and completely crumble bc i can feel myself holding everything together w fucking. scotch tape. and i’m tired. bc i can barely access my emotions anymore. i’m so far past the point of burnout. i just. 

idk.

and at the same time i’d like to just continue on in this bullshit and maybe find some productivity in here instead. idk. focus on things that Actually Matter. 

i say things in the past hurt me. i talk abt it. but i’m dissociated from it. i don’t feel it.

when i feel it, like when i talk abt my dad, i actually dissociate for days straight. if i think abt my childhood too long and too in-depth, i feel like i’m back there. and nothing feels....grounded. 

so on the one hand i want to Break, on the other i want to coast along in this fuzzy bullshit, and on another hand i know that looking into it. is dangerous. 

like.

my therapist now keeps saying--not recently, but has--that. looking to the past and picking everything apart can sometimes be helpful, but what’s most helpful is the here and now.

and i think. i just. 

i need to process trauma. idk what that means.

but it feels like i can’t move past it. it feels like i can’t even give myself permission to like myself or love myself or feel secure in any way until...it’s processed.

but idk what that means or looks like. so i guess i’ll have to ask her and talk to her.

bc the thing is like.

it’s just been trauma on top of trauma lately w the pandemic and everything.

i think i’ve processed my freshman year of college & the shit that followed it. i think i have. i’m not inherently afraid of school or classes anymore. 

but it’s hard to parse since i’m always afraid of ppl hating me, talking abt me behind my back, etc. 

and it really didn’t help that the woman i wanted to work w for my MA/PhD ended up just--hating me. immediately. she clearly didn’t even want me in the program. she tried to dissuade me from everything i loved. and it was. patently awful. and scrambling to get my committee for my MA exam bc she couldn’t be on it--not w how much she hated me (and she never even bothered asking abt it or checking in, she didn’t want to be there)--that sucked, too.

god bless the professor who helped me through the program, i owe him everything. 

idfk man.

idk how to PROCESS things. idk what that MEANS. it feels so vague. and i guess i should just read a fucking book abt it, huh? bc that’s clearly what needs to happen.

i can’t do anything until i’ve dealt w all that. 

bc ultimately i’m going to be incapable of allowing myself to do anything else in my situation until i remove the roadblocks. 

“do this dbt workbook” i’m sorry this presumes that i love and care abt myself, and i don’t

“well you’re fighting so hard to stay alive, that must mean something” it means i’m a coward and afraid of death, i have a very strong survival instinct, and v little will to live

“try making new friends, making connections, taking chances” i already have done that and it didn’t work or didn’t help, and doing it is fucking exhausting. i’m afraid to talk to new people. fuck, i’m even afraid to talk to people who are already my friend. idk if they really like me! idk if we’re REALLY friends! i’m constantly afraid of doing something wrong!

like. i cannot do or fix these things without removing the roadblocks

i hate myself

i cannot think abt my childhood without dissociating/derealizing/depersonalizing

i fundamentally do not think i am a good or decent person. i think i am awful, annoying, demanding, horrible. i think i am only redeemable through services i provide others. things have never gone well when i ask for the same in return--or even just respect and boundaries. 

i avoid people and i am desperately lonely

i’m just. tallying up. all the Big Things that make me not trust people. and it’s like.

fucking duh, you stupid bitch

like. multiple bullies and some scattered issues w teachers at first school

most of a year at a private christian school, i don’t even need to expand beyond that

so. many. bullies. at my third school. including the story above abt the contract. 

fourth school was huge. one teacher was actually responsible for bullying me. i still remember some things she said and did. i was forced to switch classes in the middle of the day when no one else had to. it was stupid. and some ppl were fatphobic, others were homophobic, some transphobic, some racist (i know how white i look, that’s just how awful this kid was), and one kid humiliated me in front of the whole class. though i also did that, myself, plenty of times.

i stayed here for the rest of middle school. got called all my first slurs here. 

and then finally i got to high school and things evened out. freshman year was bad, but things got better.

some teachers didn’t like me. which i hated. but my friends stayed consistent. even if i never belonged to a friend group, and had to rely on my friends--who were all part of other core groups, without me--taking pity on me and keeping in touch in other ways. i never quite. belonged. but at least people had other shit to do and left me alone. 

then college. the admin harassed me and chased me out of the school, while other students talked behind my back, and the ppl who should’ve been my friends called me annoying to my face. and my whole life was blowing apart thanks to failing classes, autistic burnout, and a miserable time w my mom.

then i left, we moved, that was Spider House. i’ve still never recovered.

online community college. most horrifying man ever as my prof. i still can’t think/talk abt it. i reported him. idk if anything ever came from that.

then finally here. an undergrad i enjoyed. made some friends who’d come and go. one person who tried to groom me into her target. i managed to ghost her before it got too bad. 

excitement. friends. a core group of friends.

then grad school elsewhere in the country. living on my own. terrified. 

and being gaslit and having my fear and anxiety shrugged off and ignored by friends who should’ve loved me and cared abt that. i was second class to them.

then the pandemic

i was going to quit school, but i stuck it out

then the prof who treated me like shit. “the” prof. there were two. and also some unfortunate stuff in my first semester poetry writing class. 

then i just--got abandoned by the group of friends for asking for reciprocal care, and wanting to talk abt how i’d been feeling. i didnt’ want to leave, necessarily, but i saw them move on without me so i had to just. stop.

and now. this other group of friends has been uncommunicative for months. i want to run this game w them and i’ve gotten responses from only half the group. and it’s just. looking harder every time.

and then of course everything since late august.

and also this whole year of fighting to keep my job and get any information, being discarded like so much trash. 

i still don’t have a job. 

is it any wonder i hate myself? even ppl who claim to love me just. don’t hear me. 

i read fanfics where a character in a relationship (or entering one) keeps going like “but...why me? i don’t get it” bc they’re used to being used or appreciated for what they can do, then tossed aside. no one caretakes them--until whoever it is they’re in relationship w in the fic. 

and every time i read a fic like that my stomach physically hurts from my lungs down to my hips. bc. i want that. i want to be wanted and loved and cared for. 

bc the other part of this is--

other ppl only want my care and love in certain ways. if i’m too honest and vulnerable and sweet--the way i want to be--it’s too much for them. 

it’s why i miss my dog so much and wish i had her back. on top her being my best most wonderful friend and dog and pet and family member, i could shower her w affection and be myself. she would lay on me and i could snuggle her and tease her and kiss/smooch her all the time. hug her. pet her. she’d sleep on top of or next to me, curled around me. she got excited to see me. she was comforted by me (though in her last few years she needed my mom, which i get). when we adopted her, she was afraid in the car and she hid behind my back. and she always slept in MY bed. the cuddle clone we have of her still sleeps in my bed. 

and i miss that.

everyone saw how weak and pathetic i am and decided to kick me for it. 

and that’s not to say i never had fun, or there weren’t wonderful people in my life. without them i’d probably have never made it to this point--i probably would’ve died/killed myself. 

but it does. hurt. to feel like no one really wants you around. they just enjoy your presence sometimes. but you’re an afterthought. or it’s conditional. just permanently stuck trying to figure out what parts of me they like or want, or who i have to be for them, to get them to stick around. 

and idk what to do with all of this.

admitting it all at once could maybe kill me. even now i’m not even crying. i got sad abt my dog, bc i always do. i miss her so fucking much.

but all of this is just like. i feel empty and pathetic. and stuck. and idk what to do abt any of it. 

and comparatively, so many ppl have had so much more bullshit to deal with. including so many of the ppl who’ve hurt me in my life. like why does it matter, that i hurt? 

that’s where i get stuck. my pain doesn’t matter. it just doesn’t. no one wants to take the time to listen to it or really let me feel it. 

they just want to stop it--or stop me talking abt it. bc it’s inconvenient. and it’s ugly. 

and part of me says it’s me that’s wrong and broken and i deserve this

and another part balks at the idea that that could be materially true, instead of morally true

as in--

what if i have a personality disorder? what if there’s something we’ve missed? what if all of this really is my fault, but not in the esoteric “i’m unlovable” way, but in the “i have materially fucked up everything in my life, within my own capacity and doing, and my suffering is my own fault” kind of way? 

my therapist mentioned that a couple weeks ago as i had a meltdown abt my mom seeming to disregard me and my feelings entirely. making me feel like i don’t matter at all. bc she chooses what matters, what feelings are real, and how she expresses her care for me.

and my therapist mentioned a group she’s in w audhd therapists who treat audhd clients, and how sometimes bc of everything else, you might miss something like a personality disorder. that could actually be responsible for some things.

and i shut down.

bc what if it’s all my fault? like actually my own doing? what if i did all of this to myself? how do i even come back from that.

she didn’t press the issue. she only brought it up bc i kept asking what’s wrong w me, why am i so hard to love, why don’t ppl listen to me or care abt me. so i’m not mad at her abt it. 

but i’ve just been stuck on it.

and i really just need to talk to her.

i’m sick of being in stasis.

i have no friends to really. TALK to. everyone has other things going on, and i don’t have the capacity to be there for them--and i can’t stomach the thought of going to someone to ask for help when i haven’t been there for them recently. bc i don’t like when ppl do it to me, i literally CANNOT do that to other ppl.

but i don’t have the energy. to be there for them. or be fun. or even be a person or a friend.

and i’m tired.

and i just rant and ramble in therapy abt how awful i feel.

and i just. need to DO something abt it. and i guess. this’ll be it. i’m going to push for this. bc maybe this is it.

i don’t need to pinpoint everything like a connect the dots. i just want to. process. it. whatever that means. idk what it means.

but it feels unprocessed.

it feels like i’ve lived my entire life coping, sublimating, suppressing, repressing. and then learning just enough stuff abt how to heal and adjust to convince myself that i did it, when i haven’t actually done jackshit. 

it’s all right there, really easy to access, hard to avoid. i just pretend i’m fine most of the time. and it’s getting harder to do that. i don’t have anything to fall back on. without distractions, a context, a purpose, a goal, friends, i’m just a fucked up piece of shit who’s still sad abt stuff that happened 20 years ago. 

and idk what to do to fix it. bc the thought of healing myself--i still hate myself. i don’t think i deserve to heal. it’s this constant argument in my head. and idk what to do abt it. 

so i guess therapy will be fun. how great that i have no income to pay for these appts anymore, so my savings are all just gonna whittle away until someone deigns to hire me, a complete fucking loser. 

i have to stop. idk. whatever. 

[dowoonsears]

--

[zenims]

broken family / shards of vulnerability / unheard apologies