#I think I might be diabetic and im scared

[finniestoncrane]

dinny worry about it by the way!! if i die my queue is scheduled until July 19th so there’s a wee while of shite to look forward to!!

[g0dtier]

im having dolf tested because he is obsessed with food to a degree that isnt normal

i have to lock him out of my room when im cooking or eating or he'll try and steal it. he learned to open doors. i have had to cat proof my entire kitchen because if i leave so much as a loaf of bread on the counter in plastic he will claw it open and eat it. this goes for anything edible. he recently managed to claw open a pack of dry spaghetti and was eating that when i spotted him. he chewed up a plastic brush i used to brush olive oil on some carrots that i had already cleaned.

i got him an automatic feeder to make sure he got food during different times of the day when i was working and he managed to figure out a way to knock it over and open it up. i taped it shut and i dont fucking know how he managed it but he clawed the tape off and got the lid off again. i bought one of those toys where he has to solve a puzzle to get food and it doesnt matter, he turns the entire thing upside down. he tore one of those plastic balls he had to fish the food out of in two

i have had to buy a new trash can because he figured out theres food in there and started knocking it over on purpose to go through my trash. the trash can is in a lower kitchen cabinet, beneath the faucet. so this motherfucker found out how to open cabinets and now i have hit litterbox standing in front of it out of sheer desperation

when im done eating he rushes to the sink to get whatever's left on my plate before i wash it off and will happily shove his head under the water to get it. then he will spend an hour (i timed it) licking the sink to make sure he's gotten everything. hes started licking my stovetop. he jumps into the refrigerator whenever i open it to get whatever he can. its like this every single day and im honestly so tired of it cause ive tried everything. toys, changing the environment, different diets, wet and dry food and it doesnt matter. he will easily eat 400gr of food overnight if he gets the chance

[miltonbarbie]

hiiiiiii can you please do Kokichi, Kaede, and Shuichi (separate) with a fem!s/o who needs help feeding themselves? Like at home one of their older siblings or parents has to help them bring the spoon to their mouth and/or spoon feed em because they're so nervous about eating? I have OCD type ARFID and I'm always really scared of eating to the point I need help feeding myself and comfort from my favorite characters might help 😭 im so sorry if this makes you uncomfy

No its alright! I dont mind at all <3

Kokichi, Kaede and Shuichi spoonfeeding their s/o (fem!y/n)

Kokichi

He'd think about it for a moment, pretending as if he's against the idea but it's just to tease you, he'd feed you every day if he was asked to.

He loves being able to feed you because not only is he being helpful, but he feels good about himself knowing he can take care of your needs.

Definitely starts giggling every time you open your mouth to take a bite.

Like I'm not even joking, sometimes he'll drop it before he can even feed you because he's kicking his legs too much.

You'll raise a brow at him because he's starting to twirl his hair, and now he even insists on calling himself your wife.

"Kokichi wtf are you doing?" "Shhh.. Let wifey take care of you... Blinks eyelashes aggressively"

But the first time when you asked him to, it wasn't that he was uncomfortable, but you could've sworn he started to sweat and his hand was shaking the whole time.

When you ask him if he's okay, he'll "Nishishi~ Don't worry about it!" it's off but he's trying to make sure that he doesn't hit your face with the spoon or something.

Also he does a taste test before he feeds you. Just to make sure that it's not poisoned, yk? Totally not because he wants to see if the food is yummy.

Imagine if you look inside your bowl because for some suspicious reason, the spoonful's aren't even full. They're just tiny portions. And the bowl is like, 80% empty because your stupid boyfriend ate everything.

It's a disaster, but it's out of love.

Shuichi

REALLLLLLYYY shy about it.

He wants to so badly but it's like he can never get used to it. Not when you look so cute whenever you let out a little "aah" before taking a bite.

He'll short-circuit halfway through putting the spoon in your mouth.

Apologizes for EVERYTHING.

If even a bit of food was on your lip, he's gonna give you a thousand apologies, and he's not gonna stop until you tell him to politely shut up 😭

"IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN T-" "Shuichi.. It's okay.. You can stop now.."

He's a clever boy, when you asked him to feed you because you needed help, first thought was just to do what you asked for because it was probably for something important.

He's not the best at it, but much better than Kokichi. At least he doesn't eat your food..

Insists on giving you seconds because he wants to make sure your satisfied and healthy.

If you're eating or munching on something unhealthy like ice cream, he'll probably sneak a few bites though. Not because he wants to actually eat your stuff, but he just doesn't want you getting diabetes or smth LMAO

Anxious little baby, and it's obvious too

Kaede

Hands down literally the best most caring sweetest girlfriend ever it's baffling.

Even if you don't ask to, she's still gonna feed you because she loves showing that she cares.

She's smiling the whole time and it makes your face get all hot every. single. time.

Starts humming in the middle of it

When you're finished, she washes all the dishes, and plays some piano for you afterward.

It gives you baby fever because she has that motherly kind of care to it.

When you asked her the first time, her face lit up like a Christmas tree and she didn't even ask any questions about it either.

"Hey Darling? Could y-" "Of course cutiee!~"

She makes sweet little comments while you're taking bites like "Awh your eyes are so pretty!" or "Have I ever told you how perfect you are?"

She always blows on the food before giving it to you so you don't burn your mouth.

If you're eating soup or having something messy, she'll tie your hair up first so nothing gets in the way of you enjoying your meal.

She's such a romantic it makes me wanna melt.

[vonev]

my hands are itching to post this

remember when i said i was writing a long one shot? yeah im rewriting it LOL :p

“Hey.”

You peer up, breath catching in your throat, your lips agape as you watch those brown orbs of his drinking in the sunlight above him, catching in the tensed rays and all you can see is the burnt honey caramel swimming in his eyes as he bore into your eyes through the shadows of his fluttering blond lashes.

You want to drown yourself in them and never resurface.

Because in those pools of honeyed pupils you think you’d find what you’ve been searching for; the fervor, the glow, the yearning. All these years of pursuit, and every bit of it is now right here in front of you.

It should scare you the way he holds your gaze in his, so much sudden warmth with enough velocity to hit you like a truck that it makes you forget how to breathe.

The corner of his eyes crinkles just as his lips tugs to the side into a cute smirk.

—“What do you call a man with a diabetic heart?”—

Tilted head with furrowed brows and a soft, “What?” laced with suspicion is what he gets.

Birds chirp away; you feel as though the world is void of any sounds between the space you two occupied, just the muted sounds of mild breeze caressing swaying trees, a mother gently cooing her sleeping baby in her arms with a sweet summer tune behind you, and his gentler breathing in your ears.

—“A sweetheart.”

have a quick snippet for now :3 im at 5k words as of now so this might not come out until next month...

[cannabiscomrade]

CW: Emetophobia, vaginal exam ment, catheter ment.

My doctor thinks I have PCOS because my weird period cycles (though I also have hypothyroidism), pain on periods so bad I’ve thrown up a couple times, etc etc. I’m not diagnosed but I’m already on metformin and I’m scared to get a diagnosis. I feel like I might just over-exaggerate my period pain bc Im pain sensitive, but I think also I might have vaginismis so I’m so scared to get a probe exam + scared to death of catheters. Is the process painful? What can I do to be soothed?

There are ways you and your doctor could try to diagnose PCOS together first without a speculum exam or an transvaginal ultrasound. You can get an abdominal ultrasound and try to see your ovaries, I've had both abdominal and transvaginal ultrasounds visualize my ovaries well, but with abdominal there is a possibility they cannot be seen at the time of the scan. You should also get a full panel of bloodwork and if that comes back inconclusive, you may want to try ACTH stimulation testing.

You could also get LH strips and see if you're having a distinct follicular, ovulation, and luteal phases by testing for LH for a few months. If you have a distinctive cycle pattern chances are you can be less concerned about PCOS as well as endometriosis, although it doesn't rule them out. You would probably have to come off your metformin to do this accurately though, which is safe for PCOS but not if you're taking it for diabetes too. If you had abnormal cycle patterns like not getting an LH spike, getting a really late spike, or getting multiple positives, you may want to pursue further testing.

Visceral hypersensitivity is a differential diagnosis that could also apply with your low pain threshold if you experience other forms of organ pain. (N)CAH can also cause irregular and painful periods. Hypothyroidism on its own when not in optimal range can cause painful periods but if your hypo is under control your periods and ovulation should be relatively normal. Anovulary cycles in my experience are more painful as well.

So to be transparent I do not have vaginismis so this is coming from the perspective of someone who tolerates vaginal exams relatively well, but I can give you some tips for them. You can have the provider go slow, or you can request to insert the ultrasound wand/speculum yourself. You can also request more lube if necessary. For me, they don't hurt, and I seem to have an average to slightly short depth I guess (lol)

You shouldn't need a catheter for the diagnostic process. Those I don't have many tips for except breathe, because yes they are painful. I've had one for an infection and they cathetered me twice during labor and I hate it. It's really quick though.

[begaydodrughailsaten]

hi vik!

i just wanted to scoot in here and ask smth rq!! this is not an admonishment i’m just curious /gen

is there a reason skinny people have to be put down to lift fat people? like! idk personally i think body positivity should include All bodies big middle and small. if we’re skinny shaming people for their bodies we’re still commenting on how they look which can. really. have negative effects (as a person w eating issues)

plus like!! skinny is not always a choice just as fat is not always a choice. pre-diagnosis type 1 diabetics or people with overactive metabolisms or people who were in bad environments and developed an eating disorder just. idk it feels a little weird that body positivity (esp on tumblr) is Only about fat people it feels counterintuitive

this is all /nm /gen i am just!!! curious okay have a good day :D

Hi anon! I'm not quite sure what post you might be talking about, so I've scrolled through all my reblogs from the pst 24 hours to find all the posts about fat/skinny people to try and find the problem. If its not one of these post you were talking about feel free to send me the link of the one you were talking about, or that made you want to ask me this.

I don't think this is making fun of skinny people, just pointing out art often over exaggerates skinniness to an extreme, making people think any drawing where a woman isn't incredibly tiny is a "plus sized" drawing even though irl they would be considered skinny.

This one doesn't mention skinny people at all, just saying how some people from cultures out side of the us often like to dog pile on the idea "all Americans are fat and that makes them gross haha" which is a complete dog shit take for many reasons. I also say in the tags that we should not make fun of anyone for what they eat or how much they eat, that includes skinny people and people who only eat "healthy" foods, and people who don't eat a lot.

I mean both fat bitches and skinny bitches alike can not cast fireball. Sadly. There should be more fat bitches casting fireball in video games tho

I'm pretty sure this might be the one that made you upset, it has a much meaner tone then the rest. But it's also not making fun of skinny people. It's saying "if you reblog fat positive posts, just to say something along the lines of "i agree but im sooo small and skinny and tiny! But i agree!" You are scared of being seen as fat. And yes, I do understand that ED's play a real role in this, I have two teen sisters who both have ED's and last summer I only let myself eat anything other them sugar  free mints and black coffee once every three days I have both expected and seen first hand what ED's do. But that doesn't excuse the fact going on a fat positive post and showing everyone you are scared of being confused for a fat person can make fat people also scared about being seen as fat. It can also make anyone thats still pretty skinny or small thats even a bit bigger then you scared that maybe they are "too big"

I am really genuinely sorry if any I have personally said or reblogged has made you mad or hurt you anon. I don't think anything I've recently said was anti skinny or trying to make skinny people feel bad for there weight. Again if it wasn't one of these posts you were concerned about please send it to me so I can try and understand more of where you are coming from

/gen hope you have a good day too anon!!:3

[pandapupremade]

EDIT: actually im gonna put this under a cut it got long. tw for fatphobia

not to be that guy but i think unless someone tells you "I feel great I lost weight," that you should not tell someone who lost weight that they look really good these days for losing weight. the intent is meant to be nice but for me personally it just makes me go "ah, so I didn't look good when I was overweight."

i have to take ozempic weekly to manage my diabetes and I went from like 215 pounds to 145. people kept telling me I look so great now, that I've lost a lot of weight. And again I get the intentions are kind but now I'm scared to ever gain weight again . over these holidays ive gone up to to 155-165 pounds and thats NOT a bad difference, but because people have been complimenting me for how I look "now", I'm scared I'll go back to being "not good looking." which is NOT true, I was fine when I was overweight and if I had been even more so it would've been fine too. I'm fine how I am no matter my weight, and I know this, but i genuinely realized recently that I'm now nervous about my weight. Whats worst is I'm only this way because I have to take a weight loss drug to manage my diabetes and if I was taken off this I'd gain weight again.

anyway this is out of the blue i know but just. dont make comments abt ppls weight in general unless they've brought it up, bc otherwise you risk coming off fatphobic and or might make ppl self conscious . ppl look good no matter what. choose different compliments

[i-like-omori]

Uhm I might be able to help if you give me a better description but it seems like a pinched nerve, something similar happened to me and that's what it was. I recommend Tylenol or another anti-inflammatory medicine, and to make sure you use the surrounding muscles as little as possible. Also, heating pads made it feel better for me?

i dont know if i have anything then than pain killers

surround as in just incase or surround as in put pressure on

but thank you i was starting to go into a panic attack im very paranoid, a lot of things on my body hurt and my sleep hasn't been good because school

i have blisters from walking and restless leg and i've been eating a lot of fucking sugar today to cope then i remembered people who have diabetes can have their limbs removed because they just stop working

and i dont think i have diabetes but i think if you experienced what im experiencing you can understand my paranoia

im sorry for scaring everyone ill try to find heating stuff

[cardiac-arresting-sweetheart]

ed , cal count , long rant

WHY DO I WANT TO EAT MORE. i just had a whole ass fucking pb&j sandwich and applesauce (yes i am a child) i do not need MORE ughhghhhh and it's 9pm why would i need to eat more?? i've already eaten too much today ughhh . over 1300 cals literally over my bmr i neeeeeed to stop eating but i am Going Insane this is probably also because i gained a bit of weight from yesterday so uhhh brain decided to give up !! stoooop stop i have stupid fucking "umm ackshually you alrerady fucked up today so just give up" mindset fighting me right now LEAAAVE ME ALONEEEEEEEEE i should just.. go to bed or something. WHY WON'T IT STOP. i want to just give up and Binge but i shouldn't i should NOT i cannot. i haven't ruined my day i haven't ruined my day . ughh . bangs head on wall . I WANT TO EAAAAAT fuck maybe if i jjust purge (again) gheughsd no . actually im probably over even 1400 or something because i didn't count dinner cals since i purged it but i doubt i lost all the cals . lol . I HATE MY BRAIIIIIIN LEAVE ME ALLOOOOOONE ugh . ughGHGHGHGH . i might just have to go to bed early so i don't eat even more :( i think i need to start intermittent fasting again,, cuz then i literally Can't binge at night because i Won't be eating . lol . mostly my binges r triggered by me giving up so,, having a rule like that should stpo that at least right?? I HATE MY BODYYY ugh if i gain more weight im going to actually just. have a mental breakdown and lock myself in my room (my weight would still probably be lower than it was a week ago) hgdgdsfnsd i hope i dont have to do anything tomorrow i think i'm going to be unstable. idk. my mood for the day is partially dictated on how well my weigh in goes that morning soooo,,,, hmmm we'll see guys!! kind of like gambling!! i feel so BIG ugh like i feel the fat growing on my body and i feel so Uncomfortable and i feel my Teeth Rotting and i feel the Sugar inside of me and umm idk feels like im getting diabetes LIVE . god im so scared im gonna get diabetes this is why im going to **** ******* LOL anyway . i hope i don't gain weight!!!!!!!! genuinely i will turn evil i will go insane feral crazy . umm yeaaaaahhh teehee

[incrediblesweatermachine]

im so fucking anxious i cant do shit okay i feel horrible .??? like really fucking bad i cant sleep. i might have kidney cancer or at least some other fucking kidney problem and apparently not doing anything but rot in bed for three years made me not just gain weight but also now my blood sugar and cholesterol are elevated which has never ever been an issue for me until now and ive tried like every weight loss technique and they just dont work its very much genetic so idfk what im gonna do. i dont care about weight loss for aesthetic reasons but i didnt have to care bc prior to now my health was otherwise perfect. amd the whole weight loss industry is evil like very evil and wrong about most things but i REALLY dont want diabetes and being a few points away from prediabetic is not acceptable for me. i think stress is probably a part of it. i eat fairly well so i dont think like somehow improving my diet is gonna be helpful or meaningful. im talking to my dr in the morning so we’ll see what she says i guess but im very worried about my kidneys in the email she sent me she was seemingly very careful to avoid saying what it could be and just saying i needed to come back in for more testing which scared me more than even google did honestly.

[yourl0cal1ncorporealb3ing]

TW VENT AT SOME PARTS

(ALSO NONE OF THIS PROOF READ SO IT MAY NOT BE LEGIABLE I just wroet this and i already forgot half the stuff i wrote)

y'know the mix of horrid chronic fatigue and insatiable numbness and the dissociation just makes me feel like I missing out on life, I yearn to go outside, to go play, to have fun, just run around but I cant. I sit in my room on tumblr or youtube wasting the day away wishing I did something more productive. I feel like a husk of person I feel like Im in a movie theater alone watching the most boring movie ive ever seen, I feel lonely while also being too socially drained to watch and respond the the video my friend sent me. Not to mention when my parents used to fight, my moms road rage/anger issues, it caused me to fucking terrifed of conflict so sometimes I minimize my needs when around other people and constantly asking about things and if im doing it right but also worrying if im annoying them with all my questions because my grandma has gotton mad at me for that before i think either that or it was me asking why she loved my cousin more than me because she yelled and fought with my dad because i wouldnt give my cousin my fukcing chicken nuggets my dad bought for me like fuck you i mean im sorry grandma

The anxiety and hyperactivity of my ADHD spikes up at night so either i got to sleep and wake up in 13 hours or I can stay up till 4am, go to sleep and wake 13 hours (Just feeling a lot worse). Im literally shaking as I write this and i can tell if im just so fucking restless even if im fucking tired (its 3:38am) or anxiety or the entire kiwi strawberry monster I just drank Its ok im drinking water a lot of it i just need to get my thoughts out of my head because its like a thousond of the dvd bouncing tv screen in my head rn idk if its getting better idk if im gonna post this too maybe idk any ways im shaking oh btw i might have non-diabetic hypoglycemia and i have to get a bunch shots next week and I really hate the doctors it always makes me really scared and uncomfy n shit and idk why damn im shaking a lot. I almost freaked out bc i cant find my charger and my tablet almost died but i have another one ive been using so i just used that but i want to know where my charger went :(

istg ive been eating fucking pasta for the lat 3 weeks and i hate it i hate it i hate it HATE it every. fucking. meal. I cant. I have comfort foods I like and its mostly carby food like pasta so i eat pasta alot but since our oven stopped workin its all i know i can make that easy and i laike it but i secretly dread it so i have been eating a lot of candy to keep my brain happy but im not i should be happy ive been hanging with my frinds and its summr break but im just numb, i always am, yk the year I just finished? yeah for the majority of the i was fighting autopilot mode and disassociation but i was constantly in it i dont think i cant handle going to high school this year i think i might act pass out from exhaustion I barely survived middle school Im not okay i need something meds? idk I should not be this messed up i mean my family is great (yk...apart from the fighting which isnt that common anymore and moms anger issues) but theu love me so whats the problem? school school why is it so unoccomidating to neurodivergents same with ppl with social anxiety like i have had MULTIPLE bad panic attcks in class cause i had to do smthin in front of the class I fukcing hate the school system fuckfukcufkyoiuu school fuck the emercian school system FUCKYOUUUUUUUUU

Im too conflict avoident I cant

the afternoon feels so tiring in a stuffy way if that maks and sense i need to treat my FUCKING adhd already i can have music playing at all times thats not a good long term strategy to shut up my brain i mean ffuck i have music on rn and you can see my insane ramblings

anyyways I kinda think im a daave fiction kin (like DSAF) but im 90% sure im just and otherlinker and I just want to feel speacial or some shit but whos know i have the worst imposter syndrome known to man (I have almost every symptom of Cfs and my friend has asked if i have it but nahhh i defs dont) but also i had a weird experience once. I was like listen (its getting hard to type with the shakiness :0) ing to 2 dave and henry playlists and i kept listening to the henry one and I was in the car and i was falling and out of sleep when i saw like flash of dave but it didnt look like cannon dave he looked different he was mush more blue and he was leaning against a wall with messy longish hair and he had a hat and scars all over him and he had a purple buttoned shit that was fulled buttoned up and the perspective i saw was like a photo someone had taken and he seemed just chilling perhaps talking to jack? idfk but yeah theres my weird experience like the best way i can explain this feeling towards dave is "Idkk if i was you but probably mightve at some point like most likely at some point"

i hope i sound legiable (if i do post this AND someone actually reads this all) it is 4:08am and I feel too many things once i probably will sleep at 5 or 6 anyways byebye

[bayouette]

Maybe because I’m #enlightened because I have two close relatives with higher needs/intellectual disability autism, but some people want to “cure autism” as a beneficial thing for their children so they can live “full” lives and not for eugenics shit (disabled people pollute the blood line) right? Growing up I wanted to study neuroscience to cure autism because it affected (so called “took energy out of”) the women in my life so much. All of us are aware that my cousin is alive and deserves to be alive and is able to love and have likes and dislikes and we love him so much we would do anything for them you still have to recognize that he will never have a “normal life”. Possibly a “bad life” because of it. And it’s kinda like oh that’s why autism is a disability.

So that’s why even though I am a “#gtkidburnout kid who turned out to be high masking autistic” I recognize that I am the minority with what is actually autism. Many times I think I am more OCD or anxious than having high sensory over loud (which I do) or having trouble communicating (which I do, but I can hold a professional conversion in so called “masking” even though it pains me to look them in the face and I’m sweating and wishing to kill myself”. My uncle or cousin could never do anything other than simple or physical or “disciplinary’ (don’t run away from me don’t run into the street please youre my baby im scared you might die or get taken advantage love I’m so tired I loved you more than I love my anxious maybe sub-clinical daughters but maybe just a little anxious and antisocial, if you’re beautiful soul ever got hurt before me—) therapy. Showing love in our family was taken care of them if something happened to their parents. My mom cried when I was 10 and said if anything happened to grandma I would take care of my uncle (her older brother) at any cost. My mom never ever cries. My (born during ww2) grandmas whole life was her clearly autistic (r word stupid possessed he should be put somewhere and never see his loving family again)son who was the first generation of autistic kids to get equal (special ed) education within public schools. My grandma (who was born working class first-language-Spanish) and used her smart wit with stocks so became somewhat upper middle class’s) life is of course her own, but very much donated much of it to her son who only likes a particular style of clothes and we need to hide snacks from him because he’s diabetic but we don’t know if he knows that like I’m just like stop stop we’re not supposed to talk about this if I say this I’m “ableist” against people who are billionaires won’t you just listen to me 30% of ppl with autism are intellectually disabled most of us don’t have a job (I had a 2 “jobs” first time it was a temp position that I was never called back after the first day and never officially fired me and never gave me money? And then I became an intern at a company because I told them I’m organized because I “may have autism” and then went to the mental hospital for a week after 2 months of doing one speed sheet because she wanted me to do daily meetings and I want to fucking killl myself so I had to go the hospital to get out of the internships but never tell my college or the company that it was because I was fucking neurotic anxious fucking autist.

Look oh “autism speaks is bad” isn’t because they want to cure autism. Autism is a disorder. Most people don’t like have disorders. So when they impact your day to day lives 24/7 can’t be left alone remember to close the bathroom door please say more than yes or no do you remember me I’m your niece yes it’s because he is smiling and nodding and thumping his chest I love him I’ll do anything with him I could never have a conversation about lord of the rings like with my other uncle who may have been a diagnosed with “a little bit of the autism” if he was a tween today to someone who you love like a son a precious baby son who sometimes does tricks that’s shows that he loves us (do you want to hug me? No? Come on I’m your aunt?? Aw, okay, oh, OHE HE GAVE ME A KISS!! OH BUESO BUESO BUESO MY LOVE MY DARLING” (I CANT BE AUTISTIC BECAUSE I FORCED DOWN MY DESIRE TO HURL EVERYTIME SOME HUGGED ME “please don’t hurt me where do I put my arms you’re smelly you’re kinda creepy is this what uncles do??? Mexicans are just more touchy I watched too much law and order to feel something to explain why I felt so alone and in grief and in rage I tour up my leather chair I need to bleed so that explains someone must have molested this is why because normal people don’t fucking feel this way!!!!! When they touch their uncles????? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME??”

Autism speaks sucks because it endorses autism as a death sentence. “I want to kill my ‘heavily autistic’ daughter because she’s violent and dangerous to her other siblings and I’m so tired and my misogynistic husband doesn’t love me anymore let’s just go to heaven and meet Christ heaven anything is better than this” that IS MURDER!!! AN Autistic CHILD IS NOT A FUCKING ANIMAL!!! THAT GIRL IS RIGHT THERE SHE KNOWS WHATS GOING ON ITS NOT THAT THEYRE ARE STUPID THEY HAVE THOUGHTS MY UNCLE GENUINELY LOVES SEEING HIS COUSINS AND NIECES AND NEPHEWS HE LOVES ME ‘IM HAPPT (name) IS HEREE’ he types on the print-out keyboard (he technically isn’t talking (is that non-verbal selective mutism TikTok) because my 4’11 mid 80s grandma is guiding him with her beautiful old wrinkled calloused veiny beautiful could stare all at day I could paint that and be put in a museum fingers) and he can’t do it on his own. But I love him like a fucking human not a fucking lamb to be slaughtered!!! I refuse to have my uncle or cousin of Isaac!!!!!!! They are not damned!!! We are weird and I’m the least weird but I’m fine I keep in my grimace mom mom you have no friends mom That’s NOT NORMAL Mommy.

But my cousin from my dad’s side just got diagnosed over the computer with AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER and she cried out in glee!! ‘Finally!!! I’m in the special club!!! That’s why I’m so QURIKY IM SO ALONE!! Hehehe.’ And she said ‘oh your maternal uncle must have been hidden inside’ ARE YOU ISNANE??? MY GRANDMOTHER WOULD KILL HERSELF TO SAVE HER AUTISTIC SON. SHE WAS ONE OF THE FIRST IN FUCKING THE USA TO DEMEND EQUAL TREATMENT (WITHOUT LABOTOMIES WITHOUT EUGENICS) FOR HER YOUNG BOY ONE OF THE FIRST IN OUR COUNTY THEY SAID SHE WAS A BAD MOM THAT IT WAS ALL HER FAULT R WORD DEMON SPAWN YOU KNOW THE SPARTANS KICKED CRIPPS OFF THEIR CLIFFS WHEN THEYRE BABIES TOO BAD THEY DONT HAVE THAT NOW!!

YOU KNOW NOTHING BESIDES TUMBLR! YOU DO NOT TRUST YOUR ELDERS (many queers are autistic?)!!! MY GRANDMA MY MOM MY AUNT MY UNCLE MY COUSIN MY SISTER MY DAD ARE THE ELDERS DIPSHIT!!!! SOME OF THE PEOPLE ABOVE ARE THE somewhat NEUROTIC ANTISOCIAL NOBODY TALKS FOR THIRTY YEARS BUTS THATS NORMAL. — BUT THEY SPEAK FOR THE ONES WHO CANNOT SPEAK!!! WHICH IS A LARGE FRACTION OF AUTISTIC PEOPLE!! WHICH IS WHY ITS CALLED AUTISM SPEAKS DUMBASSS!!!!!!!!!!! DUMBAESSSS!!!!

I WISH I WAS FUCKING NORMAL AND IM NOT ABELIST FOR WISHING THAT. I WENT TO FOUR HIGH SCHOOLS. IM MAYBE GOING TO MY THRID COLLEGE AND IM A SOPHMORE STILL.I HAVE TWO FRIENDS!!! IM 20 and HAVE NEVER BEEN ON A DATE!!! NOT TALKING ABOUT GREEK MYTHOLOGY??? SHUT UP SHUT UP LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE LAYERS OF TROY OH WHAT ABOUT SIGNING UP FOR CLASSES? NO IM SCARED IM SO SCARED WHAT IF THEY SEE IM NOT NORMAL IM A FREAK IM MONSTER IM A BAD PERSON!!! I WISH I WAS MORE AUTISTIC SO PEOPLE WOULD BELIEVE ME!!!! I’m not gonna make it past 25!!! I have been near bed ridden for 5 months ish.

In the end I made it about me..:… I’ve been depressed/anxious for what’s seems like my whole life I went through diaries that said I never was a child because I was so careful and scared and neurotic and shy and please don’t scream at me please don’t touch me!!….. and I wished I was like my cousin who is “level 2” who they asked if it was okay to touch. But they never asked me… it wasn’t until I started questioning our fundamental autistic anxious antisocial please don’t be estranged like that one uncle and said “oh my good I think I’m autistic” that people went softer. Only a handshake. A wave. Didn’t chase me down to demand a goodbye hug. Then I got my diagnosis (which comes with its own sense of grief) and it’s like “:))) it’s okay”” and it’s like finally finally!!!! You understand!! I love you but I don’t know you!!!! Why do you love me??? I’m so hopeless!!!!

Goddd I’m making it ABOUT ME AGAIN!!!!

I’m sorry to all autistics. Autism does not make us monkeys or dogs or demons or freaks or deserved to be choked in their crib we are human beings!!!! And I love my uncle and cousin and my family so much but I can’t talk to them I’m so scared.

And you can make the best of it! You can say, “oh because of my autism I’m really into aquariums!!!” And get special interest energy (respect) and be really passionate about your job as a marine biologist and you’re super organized as a person you are a technology whiz!!! You devote all your time to work and aquariums (and maybe some other special interests like anime figures that make her literally squeal) instead of hanging out with family or friends or coworkers or potential partners because you’re so odd and hahahaha sorry I actually have a headache yeah I can go to that company party but really you’re just so scared you’ll say the wrong thing). But you live with it. You don’t need much affection or attention—but sometimes from the right couple people it feels nice. And you don’t like many people anyway, few ‘get you’ And you may be happy like this. You never get married. Sometimes people talk to you like a baby but you never get why. You know the most about random details that come in handy sometimes. People trust you but aren’t necessarily affectionate towards you. And you have your parents who are cool and siblings that are okay and a couple friends who really ‘get’ you and you be happy. You may love being autistic.

It’s a spectrum, remember? I wish my uncle and cousin were happy and full. I want to be functional and half-way normal. I want every kid who thought they were a secret alien who didn’t know when to look into peoples eyes to be acknowledged and be told ‘ you are not normal but that in no way means you cannot be happy.’ And I wish special ed had more funding. You can make an argument that gifted is special ed whatever but it in should no way get more money than special ed.

I

[urdadthinksimfine]

DAy Somethign

Something about "accepting" something as a first step instead of changing it. and i always think like yes i guess, but also very much no, since i want to stop destroying.

and yesterday or somewhen there was like, maybe its not about accepting that i destroy myself, but accepting that i have destroyable skin?

like ive never thought that way, of course i did. but somewhat was... giving me strange sense of power, having it at as a skill thing in my repertoire, to when ever i need to look at my skin or in the mirror or when i put on make up and clothes and see pictures, "Yes your skin is bad, thats what is, go no and live with that".

if i wanna think step-py, yes im powerless when it comes to my destroyyi skin, its so very destroyyi and i can do almost nothing to change that or change things to reach a certain outcome.

.

when the diabetes type 2 ppl eat sugar and their bloodsugar peaks, their fat burning gets disrupted for days. "sugar addicts" react that way.

same as me with giving in to my addiction, which is a behavior non harmful or extraordinary to others. i destroy once, my chemicals do this peak and im consumed by the outcome for days.

fascinating.

.

when i destroyed myself yesterday, consumed, i missed my mom, i wanted to hang but i felt like my brokenness would prevent me from being nice to her once again. pained by myself and my ways, self-pity clouding my mind and keeping my stress and frustration level high af.

she came over and i was scared of how i would feel in my body. the pink band aids helped, the helmet, the alien hairband, weird stuff, and my make up that made me suffer before, i liked it.

made me think, with this "yes your skin IS bad" fact thing. yes, what if the pretty-being is just not for u? "what if being weird is what this stupid life has to offer u?"

is "light hearted" or at least "unserious" my way to go, with everything?

i had so much fun acting out, when mom was around, thios dancing, performing, not the beauty way, the get it out if the system way.

.

trying to not have the future in my mind, the bigger scale thingies, like going into enterntainment business or what eve, but of course i do. always imagining havingぶーひーin mind, would he enjoy that, but what i really mean is, id love to find someone who finds me attractive without being pretty.

find me pretty while being unpretty. like me.

.

"i save lives everyday. today 3 or 4 at least. maybe 5 even. i dont have a special power, but i do it on a daily, im pretty sure."

being stupid and always a bit self-overestimating, might be the way to go, to smooth out the edges of life and reality.

smoothing out the edges of life and reality..

[witchskies]

im having so many health complications rn and it’s starting to terrify me.

i keep losing my hair in clumps. my limbs are so stiff. my thyroid medication is barely working. i’m always cold. my feet are swelling for no reason. i’m terrified to shower because i’ll have to see how much hair i’ve lost overnight. the internal care practice i go to got dissolved so now i’m out here trying to find an endocrinologist on my own. i think i found a promising one but she’s an hour and a half away from me. 

i’m already struggling to eat what foods i can, my sensory issues have been so awful. and now half of the foods i like i can’t eat anymore bc i don’t want to put my health even more at risk until i can see a dr. 

im scared all my hair is going to fall out. its the only thing that makes me feel pretty. i got my haircut last month and was feeling so good about it and now my hair is so thin and i’m terrified that someone will see the missing patches underneath. i feel like vomiting. 

most of this is definitely partially stress induced but wtf am i supposed to do. it’s my last semester of college and im graduating soon. i’m stressed all the fucking time. and now i’m stressed about this. how the fuck do i not stress about this???

i bought like 4 new vitamins and i just. i need them to work. i need my hair back. i cnat do this right now.

i also need to get screened for diabetes again ofc

my life is in a spiral rn. i’m scared for my own health. ppl keep telling me i’ll be fine and that it’s probably not that bad. i’m literally losing my fucking hair how is that not bad????

i know it’ll grow back probably and i know i might be catastrophizing it but i just have such an awful gut feeling about this. 

god i’m behind in my classes now too

[hi-imsleepy]

ugh uggghhh oof

[cartmankisser]

HEYYYYY SO I WAS STALKING YOUR BLOG again AND I HAD A REQUEST IDEA

CAN I REQUEST CRAIGS GANG + WENDY TESTABURGER or scott malkinson since we love our little diabetes kid WITH AN ARTSY CRUSH OR S/O? or whatever youre comfortable with ofc!!

have a good day!! <33

YES OF COURSE OMG IM GONNA DO CRUSH I THINK ITS CUTE I USUALLY WONT DO MORE THAN 6 CHARACTERS,,,,,, BUT BECAUSE ITS YOU ;D

clyde loves watching you draw, but he doesn’t wanna disturb you so instead of just coming over and saying hi, he just sorta tiptoes over to you and just silently leans over your shoulder to watch. if you were to make him something, he would probably cry and hug you

token wants to be good at arts and crafts for the whole aesthetic of it, but he’s really not….. he would just buy you fancy trinkets for you to use. literally anything you want but cant afford, just to show that he can be a good friend. if you made him something, especially if you use anything he bought for you, i don’t think he would full on cry but he would totally die inside. like cupid just shot an arrow through his heart.

jimmy wants to help you. he wants you to see him as a true gentleman and he thinks this is the best way to show you he’s helpful to be around. while he’s not the best artist, he would try his best to do whatever you want. even if it’s just holding a paint pallet, he would hold it for as long as he felt like he could

craig would be like clyde in a sense. just creepy watching with pink cheeks and a blank expression. he doesn’t know it might be making you uncomfortable or pressured, he just wants to be around you without making it seem like it’s a big thing, even if it is in his head

tweek finds it oddly comforting to watch you work. watching you focus on something helps him focus on it too, instead of the worrying thought and anxiety he’s been having. he’s to scared to try anything himself though, especially using your utensils, but he feels comforted that you trust him with it, even if he’s insecure in his art skills

wendy is a bit like clyde. she absolutely admires your talent!! it gives her butterflies when she can see the work you put into a piece. the emotion and time. even if you don’t put much work into a project or if you’re not confident with your work, she can always turn it into something positive, giving you a super cute pep talk that makes both of you red in the face

scott is similar tweek. he wants to impress you but he’s just so nervous around you that he gets distracted in his own project and is stuck in a trance watching the concentration on your face. i think he has a secret fantasy of you teaching him to draw something where he’s holding the pencil and your holding his hand, guiding the pencil.