#I think a cherry slushee would (figuratively) kill him

[machihunnicutt]

Cherry Flavor

(Or read on ao3.)

"Hey, do you um...need a ride?" Connor looked up at the nervous, messy haired boy with a cast on his arm. He took a long sip of his cherry slushee and realized he'd reached the bottom of the cup. He slurped up the last of the artificial syrup and sighed.

"You're Evan Hansen aren't you?" He said, evading the question. He'd seen him gawking at his sister during jazz band concerts.

"And you're Connor Murphy," he replied. "It's late."

Connor was sitting on the curb, shivering in his thin hoodie. In hindsight he probably should have gotten a hot chocolate but he liked the way the cherry stained his mouth.

"Thanks Captain Obvious," he sneered.

Evan seemed to shrink from him. "So you don't need a ride or...?"

"Can we just go for a drive Hansen? I'm still kinda high and my parents are pissed off enough as it is."

"I...um, sure," he said. Connor got up.

"Do you want a slushee? I'll buy you one."

"No thanks, I'm good." Connor could still see him blush in the dark. Evan Hansen was kind of cute when he was nervous.

Evan's car had a little pine tree air freshener hanging from the mirror and his cup holders were full of loose change. There wasn't enough room for his legs but he didn't bother leaning the seat back.

"Where do you want to go?

"Where do you go when you need to get away Hansen?"

"Well I don't usually take off in the middle of the night so..."

"C'mon Hansen there's gotta be some place."

"Okay fine. I've never been there at night but there is this one spot."

"Lead the way," he said, leaning forward to turn up the volume on the radio. He looked over at Evan, whose eyes were focused nervously on the road ahead. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Are you sure you want to do that?"

"Yeah," he said, chewing on the straw from the slushee. "I do. Can you keep a secret Evan Hansen?"

"Um...yeah, I think so."

Connor shrugged. Good enough. It was better to get it off his chest here than in front of Zoe or his parents. "I'm gay. I'm like really gay." He laughed. He'd never said it out loud before. Evan didn't say anything.

"You want me to get out of your car now?" He asked, half joking half nervous.

"Of course not!" Evan exclaimed. "I wouldn't...I'm not..."

"Relax Hansen it's fine."

"I um...I'm glad you felt comfortable telling me and uh..."

"This isn't some after school special Hansen it's not a big deal," he said. "Where are we?"

"It's uh, a forest I come to sometimes. I climbed trees a lot before." He held up his arm in explanation.

Connor nodded. "Alright then. Wanna lay in the grass?"

Evan Hansen had a nice smile, so nice in fact it almost made the shitty evening better. The reason he was stoned at the 7-11 a mile and a half from his house at 10 pm on a Wednesday night was because his house was suffocating him. Now, in the open air with this dork next to him it felt like things might be okay after all.

They lied down in the grass, damp and earthy smelling, and looked up at the stars. "So what were you doing at the 7-11 that late anyway Hansen?

Beside him Evan shifted anxiously. "My mom never says it cause she's too nice but I know I'm a handful sometimes. I was giving her a break."

Connor snorted. "You're a handful? Next to me you're a goddamn angel."

"I don't know about that..."

Connor laughed too loudly. "I'm a royal fuck up anyone could tell you that."

"Connor..."

"Hey, do you have any secrets Hansen? You could tell me now that you know I want to kiss dudes." He realized, afterward, that his phrasing gave away that he hadn't yet kissed a dude. Connor Murphy hadn't kissed anyone but he didn't want Evan to know that.

"I don't know." Connor tilted his head to look at him and found Evan looking back. "Sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to stare or anything."

"You don't have to apologize so much Hansen," he said gently. It was probably the wrong thing to say but at least he tried to say it the right way.

"I, uh...when I broke my arm I told everyone I fell out of a tree. But I...um, I didn't fall exactly."

"What happened?" The night was startlingly quiet. Evan's voice was a whisper. Connor's mouth still tasted like sugar drowned cherries.

"I let go. I thought if I fell from high enough I would..."

"Hansen," he cut him off. "That's..." He groped for a word. "Rough."

"Don't tell anyone."

"I wouldn't." Connor tugged up his shirtsleeves and held his wrists close to Evan's face so he could see the scars in the dark. "I get it. I've been there." The day he woke up in the hospital had felt like the worst day of his life. He couldn't even kill himself without fucking something up.

"I'd be sad if you were gone," Evan muttered and something in Connor's chest tightened.

"Yeah well I'd be sad if you were gone too dork." He'd never talked to Evan Hansen like this. He barely knew the guy. He'd never talked to anyone like this. The ground felt especially solid beneath him.

"Hey, so you think we could maybe uh...ex-exchange emails?" It must've taken courage to talk when every sentence came out stuttered and shaking. Connor thought Evan was brave to keep asking scary questions with a voice like that. If he were in his shoes he might just shut his mouth entirely.

"Yeah, we can do that."

***

Evan was better on paper than he was in person. In person when he talked he felt like his mouth was full of cotton balls or toothpaste and everyone was looking disapprovingly at the inexplicable obstructions. On paper it felt less like his thoughts bled and tripped and stumbled their way to others. Writing Connor Murphy was surprisingly easy. Connor was kind of nice in private. The night he'd gotten his email he couldn't take his eyes off his slushee red mouth. When he took him home Connor thanked him. Evan was used to being the one who thanked other people, though most of the time thank you came out like I'm sorry. It was something he was working on.

Dear Connor Murphy,

I think you're underestimating the negative attention you'll get if you sit with me at lunch. I'm sort of the lowest of the low and not a scary, cool way like you are (not that you're the lowest of the low) but in a stupid loser way.

If you're really serious about what you said I can take you on a nature walk. It might be boring. Let's watch movies this weekend. Unless you're busy. Or you don't want to hang out with me. But if you do we could make cookies. Let me know.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Evan Hansen,

I hate to say I told you so (oh who am I kidding I love to say I told you so) but you've sat with me at lunch for three days and absolutely nothing bad has happened (unless you count the time I made you laugh so hard milk came out of your nose and I'm really sorry about that. I didn't realize I was so fucking hilarious. Go figure.)

Of course I'm serious about the tour Hansen. I need some of your forest expertise ASAP. How else am I gonna impress the eligible bachelors? I am more than down for movies and cookies as long as you let me buy the ingredients. My parents aren't loaded for nothing loser.

See you at school.

Sincerely,

Me

He was about 85% sure that Connor Murphy was his friend. Evan hadn't had a friend before so he thought that percentage stayed in a safe range. Connor still sat with him at lunch, though most of the time he just took a few apathetic bites of an apple and spent the rest of the time painting his nails or coaxing the details of the morning out of Evan. He emailed him at least 3 times a week and they hung out on the weekends unless Connor was having one of his bad days and then Evan would just give him his space. He'd even consulted Google about whether or not the symptoms he'd described constituted a friendship. Symptoms: like his interaction with Connor Murphy was some sort of disease. It wasn't. He was sure about that one.

"Okay Hansen I'm going to ask you something and you've gotta promise to tell me the truth okay?"

Evan felt his palms sweat. This variety of question was nerve-wracking. "O-okay."

Connor took another sip of his slushee. Stopping by the 7-11 had become a habit of theirs. Connor always got his bright red styrofoam pit of chemical ice and Evan opted for a plastic sleeve of sunflower seeds. Sugar didn't do well in his system.

"Do you have a thing for my sister?"

Evan's face went as red as Connor's slushee stained tongue. "Why would you ask me that?"

"It's okay if you do," he muttered, looking like he was lying. "I wouldn't be mad or anything."

"I did," he said. Freshman year she'd helped him up when he tripped over his own feet in the hallway and he'd been caught by how pretty the indigo in her hair was. "I don't anymore." The other thing Evan had found a lot of when he was googling his relationship with Connor were Buzzfeed quizzes about whether or not you were in love with your best friend. As a rule Evan trusted Buzzfeed quizzes. Buzzfeed had correctly predicted how old he was, what region of the U.S he lived in, and his greatest fear based on his breakfast and favorite desert. Buzzfeed was legit.

"Okay," Connor said, nodding. He pulled a hairband out of his pocket and put up his hair up. Evan liked it when he did that. Then he could see his face better. He looked more open and friendly when his hair was up. He wished other people could see Connor with his hair up. "Okay cool."

Sometimes Connor would come over and they'd sit on Evan's bed while Evan worked on homework. Connor mostly lounged. One time he fell asleep on Evan's shoulder. He tried not to move. Connor's hair was soft on his cheek and his expression was unguarded. He was kind of embarrassed when he woke up, blushing and wiping the drool from his cheek.

"Sorry," he'd muttered.

"No need to be," he replied. "You look like you needed the sleep." Sometimes Connor looked like he didn't take care of himself. He didn't eat enough or sleep enough. Sometimes he messaged him really late at night.

"What, you don't like my eye bags?" He said tauntingly.

"I like your eye bags just fine Con."

Connor grinned. "So we're doing nicknames now Hansen?"

"Oh." Panic. "I um, if that's not okay I won't..."

"C'mon Hansen you're my best friend why wouldn't it be okay?"

"I'm your best friend?" He replied, gaping at him.

"And I'm yours right? Don't tell me Kleinman beat me to it?"

"You're my best friend Connor."

"Good."

Dear Evan Hansen,

You know prom is coming up. Zoe wants me to help her go dress shopping. I'm trying to do better with her. Are you going to go? To prom I mean? It's kind of dumb but you know...anyway.

I told her...what I told you. I'm not going to tell my parents but telling her is something.

Have a good day Hansen.

Sincerely,

Me

***

It was stupid to have a crush on your best friend, especially your almost definitely straight, formally infatuated with your sister, obnoxiously cute best friend.

"What do you think of this one?" Zoe twirled in the light green gown he'd given her to try on. It looked good. Most everything looked good on Zoe.

"I like the other one better."

"He's into you doofus," she said after the 15th time he checked his email on his phone. "Just ask him."

"I can't do that!" He shot back. "What if he says no?" He'd thought about it. He really had. But Connor Murphy was a coward.

"Think about how cute he'd be in a suit. I bet he'd wear a blue tie."

"Shut up Zoe. He's probably straight. He had a thing for you for fuck's sake."

"Connor." She put her hands on her hips. "You don't see the way he looks at you because you're too busy fawning over him. He likes you."

Connor looked down at his hands. He'd chipped off most of his nail polish waiting for Evan to email him back. "I fuck a lot of things up Zo. I'm finally doing something right and I don't want it all to go to shit."

"Connor, you're doing well. You really are. I think you should go for it."

He shrugged. "Shit, he emailed back."

Dear Connor Murphy,

I don't think anyone wants to go to prom with me. You maybe, but not me. Send me a picture of the dress Zoe picks. I bet it'll be beautiful!

Let me know if you want to go for a 7-11 run.

Sincerely,

Me

"That's shorter than the emails he usually sends do you think something's wrong?"

"Ask him out loser," Zoe said. "Just ask him out."

***

It was a routine outing. Connor got an extra large slushee and seemed to be chugging it like there was no tomorrow. Evan was worried he was going to get sick.

"Are you okay?" Connor looked over at him like a deer in the headlights.

"I'm fine," he said too quickly. "I just...uh, could you take me to the forest again? Like we did that one time."

"Sure," he said. "Just don't get cherry puke on my dashboard." Connor stopped his aggressive slurping.

"Sorry Hansen."

The grass was soft and damp. He lied down anyway, shoulder pressed close to Connor's.

"Can I tell you another secret Hansen?"

"Sure Con."

He laughed. "Not fair. You know I love it when you call me that."

"Go ahead, really. I won't tell anyone."

"Okay." He rolled over to look at Evan, hair falling into his eyes. His mouth was still very red. "I want to go to prom."

"Oh," he said. He didn't really want to hear about whatever guy Connor had a thing for. He really didn't.

"There's this guy I like."

"Oh," he repeated dumbly.

"He might be straight but I'm hopeful. He's really sweet and nice to talk to and good at keeping secrets. He's got really pretty eyes and the nicest smile and he's kind of a dork but..."

Evan sat up. He didn't want to hear anymore about Connor's mystery man. His face was burning. Why was he so pissed off? Were those Buzzfeed quizzes right?

Do you get a warm and fuzzy feeling when you spend time with your friend?

Do you get jealous when your friend talks about their crushes?

Do you find yourself daydreaming about your friend?

"Well I'm sure you've got a shot. You'd have to be an idiot to turn you down Connor Murphy."

"Hansen." He looked at him. Connor's face was expectant. "I'm talking about you. I like you."

"Me?" It might've been Evan's imagination but he thought Connor was leaning in. "You want to go to prom with me?"

"If you'll have me."

"Of course I will. I like you a lot Con. I knew Buzzfeed wouldn't lie to me."

Connor laughed. God he had a nice laugh. "I don't know exactly what that means but I think it's good." Now he was definitely leaning in.

"Evan?" God it was nice when Connor said his name.

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to kiss you now if that's okay?"

"It's okay."

Kissing Connor Murphy tasted like cherry and felt like finding a twenty on the sidewalk. Connor put his hand on the back of Evan's neck and pulled him in closer. Evan had always been nervous about kissing. He was scared he'd mess it up and get laughed at, provided that he ever got the chance to kiss anyone. But kissing Connor Murphy was easy. Kissing Connor Murphy felt right.

"So you chug slushees when you're nervous huh?"

"Shut it Hansen."

***

Connor didn't know how to tie a tie so he let his mom do it for him. She was happy he was going and, to quote her "getting involved in something productive." She didn't know he was going with Evan but that was okay, baby steps.

He had his hair pulled back and a bouquet for Evan. It was probably too much. They were sunflowers, his favorites, and he felt exceedingly dumb.

Evan did wear a blue tie. He looked nice. He looked nervous but he looked nice. "I got you flowers," Connor said, holding out the bouquet uselessly. Evan smiled when he took them, which made Connor feel less nervous and more happy to be there picking him up. "Zoe and Alana are in the car. We should probably go."

"Okay," he said. "You look good." Connor didn't think his outfit was anything to write home about. He had a purple tie with nails painted to match and a suit he'd found at the back of his closet that almost didn't fit him. Zoe was definitely the sharper dresser of the Murphy siblings tonight.

"Thanks," he said anyway.

"I'm glad we're doing this."

"Me too."

Zoe and Alana had nothing but nice things to say about Evan in his suit and tie. He blushed and muttered compliments in return. Zoe had glittery eyeshadow and long, mascara-ed lashes, and looked radiant in her green dress. Alana, in orange, was tethered to her side the same way Evan was to him.

It was crowded when they got to the high school. Evan didn't like crowds so Connor took the liberty of holding onto his hand as they made their way over the dance floor and to the punch table. Zoe and Alana were dancing already.

"If you told me last year that I'd be at prom right now I would've said you were crazy," Connor said, not mentioning what they both knew. A year ago he didn't think he'd be alive to see his senior prom.

"Do you want to dance?" Evan asked. They were playing the first of no doubt many slow songs of the evening and Evan pulled him gently in the direction of the swaying bodies. Connor Murphy couldn't really dance. He didn't have much rhythm and he used to step on Zoe's feet when they were forced to dance together at family wedding receptions. He really didn't want to step on Evan's feet.

"I'm not a good dancer Hansen," he says, but allowed himself to be pulled.

"I'll help you," Evan said, looking more self-assured than he'd ever seen him. He put his hand on Connor's waist and shrunk the gap between them. Overhead the lights tilted and twirled pink and purple and gold into Evan's hair. He hadn't paid attention to the prom theme but now he thought it should be the way Evan Hansen's eyed swam and glowed in the cascading colors. Connor apologized when he stepped on Evan's foot but he waved him off. "You're doing fine." Evan leaned his head on his chest. He wondered if he could hear his heart beating through the fabric of his shirt. Knowing Evan, if he could he probably wouldn't say anything about how fast it was drumming in his chest.

When the night was drawing to a close Evan leaned in and muttered something in his ear. "Hey, do you want to go for a 7-11 run?"

They told Zoe and Alana, who had promised to pick them up on the way home, and walked, hand in hand to the dingy convenience store in the poor lighting.

Connor bought them two cherry slushees and they sat on the same curb that began it all and drank them.

"You know I was scared to talk to you that first time. I thought you might beat me up for looking at you the wrong way."

"I get that a lot Hansen," he grinned.

"But my therapist wanted me to practice putting myself out there and taking steps toward getting what I want."

"What did you want that night?" He looked over at him. Evan had his knees pulled to his chest and was chewing absently on the slushee straw. It was an odd picture: two boys in suits looking lost but feeling found.

"A friend," he said. "I always wanted a friend like you. You're a really good friend Connor Murphy."

"So are you Evan Hansen."

"Although I don't think most friends kiss."

"Do you not like the kissing?"

"N-no, I like the kissing. Especially when you're mouth's all red like that."

"Yeah?" He quirked up an eyebrow. "Are you asking for a kiss Evan?"

"No," Evan leaned in. Connor wondered how this dork could surprise him. It was better when Evan was the one kissing him. He took his face in his hands and Connor nearly swooned.

"I didn't like cherry before you."

Connor grinned. He thought he might never stop.