#I think in a real-life situation a lot more people would be an Achilles than a Hector

[wishcamper]

Heavy Lies the Crown: Rhysand, greatness, and the pressures of power

Or: the librarian’s daughter, former playwright, licensed counselor mashup of my nightmares dreams because I am vast, I contain multitudes.

No content warnings and no real HOFAS spoilers, I don't think, other than that he's in it but I feel like you know that by now. Spoilers for Breaking Bad (lol).

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In working on my current fic (on ao3 here!) I've been thinking a lot about Rhysand and how he really goes off the rails in ACOSF and HOFAS. It's easy to chalk it up to poor writing, but I like the challenge of trying to make it make sense. What are Rhys’ motivations, truly? What would explain the vast array of heinous shit he does the text tells us is justified?

Rhys is shown over and over to be quite Machiavellian ('ends justify the means' dude, who was maybe writing satire). It's easy to list the times he shows this. The 50 year Velaris hostage situation. The bargain UTM with Feyre. The Weaver's cottage. Stealing the Book from Tarquin. CLARE BEDDOR. Infiltrating people's minds. Torture. Assassination. Allying with Kier. Concealing his wife's medical information. Being an ass to people in general. According to Mr. Machiavelli, any action is warranted if it the goal it achieves is morally important enough.

It seems like Rhys can justify anything to himself if he believes it will serve the greatest good at the end of the day. He does so many things with the air of “it’s for your own good” or “you’ll understand why one day” but that day never.. comes? Not yet anyway, which begs the question: is he that unself-aware, or is there a longer game he’s playing that all of these minor skirmishes are leading up to? What if he knows what's coming? And what kind of cause or threat would feel so great he could justify everything he does up to this point?

Okay I'm gonna talk about Aristotelean literary structure, please don't leave me.

The idea of a tragic hero is a character whose downfall is inevitable but who fights against it anyway. Hamlet is a classic example of a tragic hero, Oedipus being the de facto first, Walter White from Breaking Bad a more modern version. We see Walt learn he’s going to die in the first episode, in the middle he does a bunch of stuff to prevent his physical death (cancer) and metaphorical death (failure/obscurity), and then both his body and reputation die in the last episode as a direct result of his attempts to avoid fate. It’s blissful Aristotelean symmetry. *chef’s kiss*

Every tragic hero has hamartia, more commonly known as a ‘fatal flaw’. In Hamlet, his fatal flaw is procrastination, and his delays create space for all kinds of the fuck shit he was trying to prevent. It’s important to note that hamartia is by design a neutral term - not so much a flaw, but a trait, motivation, or decision that sets off the chain of events the character is trying to avoid. Tragedies have occurred equally from too much love as too much hate, and doing nothing is just as much a decision as doing something. The word itself comes from the Greek for ‘to miss the mark’. To try and fail, the backbone of tragedy.

One of the most common hamartia is hubris, a modern synonym for arrogance but which more specifically means an outsized belief in one’s ability to affect and control the future. Well-known tragic heroes taken down by hubris include our boy Walter White, Tony Soprano, Viktor Frankenstein, Achilles, Jay Gatsby, Kendall from Succession. It exists in real life, too: Lance Armstrong is a perfect example of a modern tragic hero brought down by hubris. And what do all these men have in common? Power, via money, fame, strength, the state, intellect, violence etc.

I’ve been enjoying looking at Rhysand through this tragic hero lens because while it doesn’t really make him more sympathetic, it does make his actions easier to understand logically, which is its own kind of humanization. If Rhysand is aware of a prophesied or fated event sometime in the future and is pulling the cosmic strings now, it must be incredibly important, like annihilation-level important, which is so much pressure. 

So he grows to maturity with an understanding that he will one day have to face this intense evil that could completely destroy his world, and it plants in him a hubris. He believes that his immense power grants him a certain amount of influence automatically. And honestly, is he wrong?

And this is where it’s important to think about how power makes people weird. Power gives people a false sense of confidence in their actions and choices, because their status and privilege protect them from so many more consequences. In this way it’s easy to see how someone can get a big ego - no one is stopping me, so I must be doing well! Or: everything is going well for me, so I must be really killing it! I know I feel that way in the first tingles of hypomania, but hypomania is fundamentally a distortion of reality and I believe so is power.

Power not only gives people confidence but also access to make decisions for others. They begin to think they should share the success they’ve found by leading and guiding others to see how great it can be if you do what they say. Just look at one of those cringe 'billionaire morning routine' videos to see what I mean. It’s a very patronizing form of altruism, because the leader genuinely believes they have the people’s interest at heart. And I use the word patronizing intentionally - leaders have often referenced feeling paternal towards their people, Winston Churchill + FDR, 'God the Father'. Power and fatherhood have been linked for a long time. And direct from our girl Wikipedia, "paternalism is action that limits a person's or group's liberty or autonomy and is intended to promote their own good".

I was talking with a girlfriend of mine recently about how I think some men don’t have the experience of other people depending on them in a significant way until they get married and/or become fathers. Like, afab and femme people learn very early to be considerate of others, to think about how others feel, to act in ways that keep others happy, etc. This plants in us a sense of duty to perform in ways that please others, to smile, to create comfort and provide caretaking in every environment we enter. So by the time we get to marriage and motherhood, we already know how to put others’ needs before our own because we’ve been doing it from the jump.

For men, however, this can be a completely novel experience. And it seems like it's SO HEAVY FOR THEM. George ‘Father of his Country’ Washington just wanted to go back to Virginia the whole time he was President. So many men talk about the pressures of being a provider and their families depending on them in a way women don’t, and I think it’s because for the first time others truly depend on them and they don’t know how to handle it.

In response, they either shove down their emotions as patriarchy demands and have a midlife crisis, or they abdicate that responsibility and go completely absent physically and/or emotionally to continue living for themselves. (Obviously there are good men and dads out there, and bless you if you’re lucky enough to know, have, or be one.)

And this aspect of power feels relevant because from the text it seems like Rhysand is unraveling. Between Feyre, the baby, the Trove, Nesta and being threatened by her power, Koschei, Bryce, the whole High King shit - I think he’s starting to crack under the pressure. And honestly, I’m kind of surprised it didn’t happen before now.

According to Aristotle, the tragic hero must:

Be significant (virtuous/capable/powerful/important etc.)

Be flawed

Suffer a reversal of fortune.

Rhysie boy definitely ticks the first two. I wonder what it would look like to get to three? I don’t think Sarah has the balls, but it’s definitely enhanced my reading experience and given me a lot of interesting things to think about.

Okay that's all I've got. Love ya, see ya soon xx

[baejax-the-great]

Hey hey 😊

I just read your answer to the anon Pat drink question and I just came up with another question myself, so I hope you don’t mind. And I really hope it’s understandable what I mean…😅

When you write different stories, do you see characters, like Achilles and Patroclus, differently or is it a more or less constant characterisation? Like, of course it has to fit the plot and everything, but like the drink question, would you always say ‚Pat would choose this one‘ because that’s his character and his taste? And he acts like he does because that’s his character?

Maybe like… are there different Patrocluses for you or is it just one (in this case very awesome one 😍).

I don’t know how to describe it better in English, I hope it was somehow understandable 😅 I just love your stories (told you once or twice I think 😂🥹) and your characterisation of them feels very personal and real, so I wondered.

Have a great day!

What a fun question!

I think part of the fun of AUs is seeing how your fave would act in various situations, but another fun part is seeing how the situations influence your fave.

So, that said, I do think ATG Patroclus and Sunset Pat are different people (as well as my third, unpublished Patroclus that most likely won't see the light of day--he might be my snarkiest Pat yet). If someone suggested to Sunset Pat that with enough training he could medal in the Olympics, he would think they were insane. He is both more cynical than ATG Pat and more lighthearted in a lot of ways. And ATG Patroclus, having never experienced a Chicago winter much less almost 20 of them, is frankly soft. I have to imagine surviving enough Chicago Februarys would have given him a "who the fuck cares" attitude regarding some of the bullshit he dealt with.

If I were a better writer who had not started writing Sunset as a joke about Achilles mistaking Chicago for hell before turning it into an angst-fest, I probably would have spent more time thinking about what a Patroclus growing up without Achilles would be like as a person. I sort of cheated here because Chicago Pat got adopted by Ajax at around the age he would have met Achilles in canon, so he still got the influence of a very confident and loving friend during a particularly vulnerable part of his life. Without Ajax dragging him out of his shell, I think Pat would be a much quieter, shyer, and more bitter person.

Sunset Pat has recently and reluctantly spent some time thinking about who he would have been in different life--whether his understanding of himself and his own morality are as set in stone as he thought (hoped) they were. Iliad Patroclus is threatening enough to his own sense of self that he's gone ahead and rejected him outright as anything to do with him.

Anyway, would ATG Pat choose a different drink than Sunset Pat sitting in a Chicago pizza joint? Absolutely. Honestly I see him pairing his pizza with white wine, hah. And Iliad Patroclus, after trying Achilles' mojito and deeming it too sweet and trying Sunset Pat's IPA and deeming it disgusting, would probably enjoy a margarita. In fact, they all would. They should have just gotten a pitcher.

[c-is-for-circinate]

As promised: let's talk Hades, and how acts of abuse can create toxic environments for everyone around them, and also how people react to those environments--and to them being disrupted.

(For reference, I have just kicked Theseus's ass for the first time, it was exactly as satisfying as it was intended to be, and then I got predictably slaughtered a couple of chambers into Styx. Spoilers for everything through that point, but please no spoilers in reblogs/comments for anything after that!) Also, TW for a whole lot of discussion of abuse, particularly verbal and emotional abuse, and abusive familyworkplace dynamics.

Okay, so. To start out with, Hades is an abusive parent. He engages in innumerable acts of verbal and emotional abuse towards his son, because yep, that's what you call it when a parent constantly berates and belittles their kid for every perceived failure, including the ones the parent themselves could have prevented. Sometimes especially the ones the parent could have prevented. Zagreus failed at his office clerk job because Hades refused to teach him how to do it and then blamed him for not already knowing how. Cerberus tore up the lounge because Hades, who was actually there, chose not to stop him. Hades created, possibly deliberately, and then took full advantage of every opportunity he saw to insult and demean his kid, and the clerk job flashback shows us that he was doing so even before the escape attempts started. I'm pretty sure we're all on the same page here, but: yep, that all constitutes abuse, even if they're gods. Even if Hades has reasons for Being Like That. Even if you think Zagreus seems okay and unharmed by it (which: repeatedly throwing yourself into a gauntlet of violence that inevitably ends in your own pain and death because you're so desperate to escape home, not actually an indicator of someone who's okay). We all good on that?

Cool. Because I'm not really here to talk about how Hades' abuse directly impacts Zagreus right now (although there's for sure an essay in that too). I'm thinking about how it impacts everybody else.

Hades isn't as obviously unreasonable with anybody else in his kingdom the way he is with his kid. When we see him lecture somebody else, it's usually for an actual failure to do their job: Hypnos for literally falling asleep on the job and not doing anything that was assigned to him, Megaera for letting us past her so many time, Orpheus for being a court bard who refuses to sing. His attitude is super confrontational and unpleasant, but on the surface it doesn't necessarily look as fucked-up. Thing is, though, whether any individual act of aggression towards an employee/family member is justified or not (I would generally argue 'not', because aggression towards employees/family members is, y'know, not justifiable)--it's not about the individual acts. It's about the entire cultivated atmosphere of toxicity and abuse.

One of the very first things Meg ever says to us is, "I'd rather be on your bad side than his." Up until that point, we've got no reason to believe Meg has any history whatsoever of fucking up at her job. In fact, we've got plenty of reason to believe she's good at it. She's fiercely proud of it, she's frequently Employee Of The [Time Period], and we've apparently never even met her sisters because she handles her shit herself. But she's still scared of Hades. Dusa, who is an anxious wreck at all times because oh god what if she gets fired what if she gets fired what if she gets fired, in spite of apparently being absolutely exemplary at her job, is scared of Hades. Every single shade in the Hall is clearly terrified of Hades, and it's not because of what he's done to each of them. It's what they've seen him do to other people.

Which is how toxic environments work, whether they're work environments or families. The Court of Hades is of course both, always, with the bonus hell layer of you can't quit even if you DIE. An abuser in authority doesn't have to target you in order to make you feel scared, cowed, and desperate to please them. Humans (and gods who are basically extra-powerful humans) are good at learning by example. The residents of the Court get the picture.

So this Court is a minefield--and everyone except Zagreus is very good at tiptoeing around mines. We see it in Meg, so desperate to do her job well. We see that Hypnos very clearly does not give a shit about anything, but he still makes sure to have a list of excuses ready if/when Hades ever confronts him about failure to do his job, just in case. We see it when Achilles tells us that my ability to help you is constrained by the authority your father gives me, or whatever the line was sixty runs ago when he couldn't let me into locked chambers. The system, such as it is, works, and if Nyx talks to Hades as little as possible, if Thanatos avoids the Court entirely, if Achilles treads very carefully and knows how to keep his head down--well that's just the system, right? That's just how things are.

Even Zagreus seems to have had a role in that system as the court fuckup. He's the kid who didn't have a real job or purpose. He could take the focus of Hades' generalized, day-to-day ire off of everyone else, without triggering some of the more direct and violent ire because the work he was doing didn't really matter (a LOT of Hades' rage-triggers seem to be related to job performance, which means that the people with real jobs are of course the most at risk). And he could do so "safely" (big emphasis on the quotation marks there) because he alone of the court is Hades' actual kid, who's Prince of the Underworld no matter how much he fucks up. If one of Nyx's other kids gets something really really wrong, she might be able to protect them from some consequences, but Hades doesn't have any layer of supposed parental affection holding him back from getting violently furious about it. Zagreus gets a nice bedroom and the abuse is limited to words rather than divine power, and Hades is a dick to everyone but he only occasionally condemns people to eternities of torture, and only for good reasons like refusing to sing when your job is to be court bard, so it's fine, everybody's fine, everything's totally fine, right?

Except it's not fine when everybody is so clearly worried about anything going wrong. And it's especially not fine for Zagreus, who's the person to finally say no. He's leaving, for his own sake, because he deserves better and he's finally convinced he can have it. And that turns the whole system into disarray.

I am endlessly fascinated by the ways this game portrays different characters reacting to this upheaval in their carefully-mapped minefield. It's different for authority figures and peers and servants, different based on how people are positioned in the house under Hades' rule, and it's so spot-on and I love it.

Nyx, for instance, is absolutely calm about the whole thing, because Nyx has power. Hades can't hurt her. Hades can't even really do much against her children, not when Hypnos and Thanatos are gods in their own right. Yes, Hades rules the kingdom, but Nyx owns the land, and she gives no shits about his rages. And it's interesting, too, to see the lines she doesn't draw. The deal seems to be that Hades doesn't fuck with her, and doesn't outright threaten her kids (because Hypnos is bad at his job, demonstrably so, and Hades hasn't ruined him yet), and she doesn't interfere with the way he treats the people around him. She gives Zagreus advice and support and the mirror, but she also doesn't take a direct stand against Hades. He can't hurt her, but he could make life...difficult. She's protected, her position in the minefield is more of a safe viewing platform than slogging through the middle of it, but the mines are still there.

And then we have Achilles, who is one of my favorite characters in the whole game because of how he reacts to this whole situation. Achilles, like Nyx, is so supportive. Every single time you see him he has something encouraging to say. He gives us his Codex, secretly finds us weapons, trained us for years, clearly wants us to succeed. And still he's limited, not necessarily out of fear for himself (though he has to be scared for himself, he knows what Hades does to people who anger him), but out of concern that if he gives Zagreus too much help in one way, he won't be able to provide help at all later. He's still so careful.

Achilles and Nyx are so fucking important to this story because they're the only authority figures Zagreus really has in his life except for his father, and they are so supportive. They're what keep this story from being a nightmare of psychological horror and depression. They can't stop the pressure from Hades and this life in his house being miserable for Zag, but they can give us hope, remind us that Zagreus is still loved. And they have such an incredibly important role when it comes to guilt, which is one of the biggest ways toxic systems maintain themselves.

If Zagreus leaves, what happens to everybody else? Who takes Hades' wrath then? Who becomes court scapegoat if he's not there, and also, who gets punished for his escape? These questions matter, and we see him worry about it! He asks Nyx and Achilles both, is it going to be okay that you're helping me, are you going to be alright, will my father hurt you for this? And they are both so firm about telling him no. No, I will be fine. See, here's the list of reasons about why I'm going to be fine, why my position in this minefield is secure. They make a point of telling us that it's fine, that we do not need to hold ourself back from getting out of this abusive situation for their sake. That is instrumental in Zagreus's ability to keep making these escape attempts without feeling too guilty and worried and selfish to go on. (Another thing that's actually really important in setting up that dynamic--we see that Hades cares about Cerberus, even if he's using him as a pawn against us, and Cerberus seems to be the one figure in court who Hades doesn't get mad at. The dog isn't at risk, and that is really essential in keeping the story from getting too grim.) These people who we care about refuse to let themselves be held hostage to secure our good behavior.

It's also really useful for raising the stakes later in the story--we see Hades arguing with Nyx once or twice, and we see Zagreus feeling guilty about it, but it's also a sign that we're making enough progress to piss him off. After I finally made it out of Elysium on my last run, I came home to find him furious with Achilles in a way that actually makes me nervous, because Achilles does not have nearly as much security in his position as he says he does. (Achilles is such a good teacher/authority figure, because he knows goddamn well what Hades could do to him, and still refuses to let fear for his own situation stop him from helping the abused kid under his care escape his. And no, not everybody has the capacity to do that, but it matters so much coming from the guy who helped raise us. It matters so much. I do not even have the words for how much.)

It's also no mistake that many of the people we find supporting us along our journey are either the people with the most power in their immediate environment, or the least. Sisyphus helps us because what more could they do to me than this? Orpheus is a little wild around the eyes and somewhat disconnected from reality, and he wishes us the best because someone should get what they want and also he no longer gives a single fuck what happens to him. Eurydice has her own cozy little corner of Asphodel, as safe from Hades' rage as anybody anywhere in his realm because she's tucked in such an out-of-the-way middle place she's outside his notice. Dusa is so scared of everything anyway that, crush aside, she isn't any more threatened by us escaping than she is just by her everyday life here. Charon is unfathomable and unstoppable; Skelly literally exists to be a punching bag, and yet he also seems basically immune to pain, no matter what we do to him. There's no threat from Hades there.

So the people most at risk when I flip the world on its ear are the ones who have so much standing that they have something to lose, but not enough to protect them from losing it. Which of course brings us to Than and Meg--who are, of course, the two people who also seem by far the most upset by my attempts to leave.

As authority figures, Nyx and Achilles are constantly reinforcing the message that it's Hades' fault, not ours, if they or anybody else get caught in the crossfire of his wrath. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and it's not my guilt to bear. From Megaera and Thanatos, we get the opposite message--I am fucking with things, I am hurting people, and I need to stop. Zagreus isn't just abandoning them, as a friend or brother or lover or all of the above they're Greek gods who even knows. He's betraying them. They were in this together, as friends or lovers or whatever, but now Zagreus is sending earthquakes through the minefield they both still have to stand in. He is about to capsize this boat in the middle of a thunderstorm, he is fucking with the system, and they're the ones who are going to get most hurt.

I'm so curious how this is going to work for Than, who out of everyone we meet holds the closest role to Nyx's in terms of being sheltered from Hades' wrath. He's the guy who gets to leave, after all, even though he always has to come back. I've seen the least of him out of anybody so far because it took forever for me to get to Elysium, but two things really stand out and I'm so interested to see where they go. One, he really genuinely does care about Zagreus. He wants us safe, he wants us unhurt, the accessory he gives us only grants its bonus if we clear a room without taking injury, he keeps showing up to help. And two, he wants us to give up and go back and recognize how good we had it. Which is SO fucking interesting, considering how miserable Zagreus so clearly was, and how legitimate his reasons for being miserable were.

It makes me wonder so much about Than's standards for comparison. Does he know something we don't about what's waiting for us on the surface, something that might theoretically hurt Zagreus even more than staying down below? Has his life, which apparently allows him more freedom than anybody else in the Court, sucked horribly in ways we haven't seen, and that's why he spends so little time there in the first place? Either of those things is plausible, both of those things are plausible, and yet either one leads to this sense of patronizing, because he refuses to simply tell us. If something terrible is awaiting us, don't give us vague warnings, tell us what it is and let us decide for ourself! If you're fucking jealous because we might get out entirely and you're still stuck coming back here, say so. If you're worried about your mom--and he does bring her up, how could Zagreus turn his back on her like that, does seem to worry for her--then let's have an actual conversation about how many times she has insisted I do this and also how much I love her.

And, right, it's clear that a lot of Thanatos being upset is simply, you were going to leave me without even saying goodbye, you want to leave ME, which is understandable! But, like, he is demonstrably the one god who gets to visit the surface. He's the one person we actually COULD expect to see again. And he is absolutely also upset because there's an Order To Things, and we're fucking it up. We used to be his careless callow reckless friend who could talk back to Hades and get away with it, and now we're not, and everything is changing and we might leave him altogether, and we might leave him alone in that court without us, and he hates it.

Is it a short-sighted, selfish fear on his part? Yes, absolutely. Even if he's not scared of Hades on his own behalf, he is still frightened by what happens if we upset this system--and maybe it's the sanctity of a much bigger system than the Underworld that he's worried about! Maybe it's the whole divine and cosmic order. Whatever system he wants so badly to protect is enabling the abuse Zagreus has been dealing with for however-long he's been alive. Whatever system he wants so badly to protect OUGHT to be overturned, or at least shaken up. But this is what toxic systems DO. They convince the people within them that they have to be maintained, that a broken system that hurts the people within it is far better than no system at all, that changing the world is too scary and too dangerous. And Thanatos wants his whatever-Zagreus-is-to-him to be there, because he loves him and also because that's how the world works, and those things are all tangled up in one another, and that is how relationships are in a messed-up family like this so therefore I love it.

And Meg. Meg, the best for last, my dear, beautiful, furious, bitter, scared angry tired girl. I adore her. I am absolutely never going to date her, because the thing Zagreus needs most in his life hurts her, more directly than anybody else in the story, and that sucks, and it's not Zag's fault but they still shouldn't be together. Meg has taken more injury from this situation than anyone, quite literally as well as metaphorically, and it's not her fault any more than it's ours, but oh boy it has made her lash out and it's awful and it's perfect.

Meg's place in the Court of Hades is unique because she's not dead, not a mortal, not anything other than a god--but she's also not family. Nyx is not her mother. She's very much part of this system, she and her two sisters belong to Hades-the-realm and therefore also Hades-the-king, she can't leave, but she also doesn't have that protection of Nyx watching out for her in the same way. She's not royalty. She and her sisters (if you ask Hesiod instead of Virgil, which seems to be the interpretation the game's going with here) sprang from the blood of maimed Uranus at the same time as Aphrodite, but fuck knows Aphrodite isn't claiming them as siblings. And she can't be fired, exactly, but she sure can be demoted, and she sure can be made miserable in her job. Meg is vulnerable in a way very few people in Hades' employ are. She's a lot harder to do away with than any one random shade, but she's also a lot harder to miss blending in with a crowd.

What's more, she's the one person in this whole mess who is specifically tasked with stopping us from leaving. Hypnos isn't ordered to put us to sleep and keep us in our room. Thanatos can't be compelled or punished if he doesn't hunt us down. Achilles isn't told to lock us up and keep the keys. Meg is the one stationed at the doorway to Tartarus to keep us in. Meg is the one who gets in trouble when we leave. Meg (who Hades knows goddamn well Zagreus cares for, or cared for, who he absolutely knows we used to date) is the one who has to fight us again and again and again. And she's the one who keeps dying.

Again, it's this incredibly fucked-up guilt/hostage situation deliberately designed to keep people from fleeing abusive situations. Meg's insistence on fighting us now puts Zagreus in the position of having to hurt her himself again and again. Now suddenly we're the ones sticking a sword in our ex-girlfriend. Now suddenly someone can point to our desire to leave, to flee, to escape, and say, how selfish. How cruel. How terrible of us to want to go, when we're even willing to hurt the people we love to do it.

Except, right: Hades is the one who demands Meg stand there and stop us. Hades is the one who puts both of us in that position. Meg is also in an abusive situation, and she's willing to hurt us to protect herself. "I'd rather be on your bad side than your father's." It's easy to blame her at the start for being complicit, for being a tool of our father's abuse, for being on his side. It gets harder as the game goes on. I've killed her so many times. There's no way for her to beat me. She knows at this point that she can't beat me. She still fights, every single time, still throws herself upon that spike, not because she thinks she has any chance of stopping me but because she is so damn scared of what will happen if she doesn't try.

In fact, Meg's the one person we have actually seen face consequences for our actions so far, instead of just facing the threat of them. Her sisters are here. Her sisters, who she clearly does not want here, who are wild and violent and who she does not want in her life or anywhere near her, let alone near the job she takes so much pride in. She gets to deal with them now. (Hades doesn't have to deal with them. They're still not allowed in his court. But Meg does.) She gets stabbed, and bludgeoned, and shot, and lightning-struck, and poisoned, and every other thing we do to her. Thanatos doesn't. Nyx and Achilles and Hypnos don't. Bug Meg? Oh yes. Meg pays.

And yes, ok, she is complicit in this system. Everybody is complicit in this system. Zagreus who's trying to escape on his own behalf instead of overthrowing his father for the sake of everyone he'd otherwise be leaving behind is complicit in this system. Pointing fingers and pulling strings of who's more at fault? and who do we blame for this? is exactly how this sort of system perpetuates itself. Your sister always talked back at the dinner table and put everyone in an even worse and more violent mood. Your coworker refuses to work more than forty hours a week so now you have to take overtime to pick up their slack. You're enabling your dad by asking your sister to shut up, you're enabling your employer by working as hard as you do so you don't get fired, everyone's at fault, everyone's to blame, everyone is--

It's not everyone. It's Hades. It's Hades at the root of everything, and probably something big and institutional and fucked-up even beyond him. But even if everyone down in this Underworld does have to be trapped here forever, even if he's trapped here forever, Hades is neither challenging the system that put them here nor trying to make that fate better for anyone else stuck with him. He's just created an entire kingdom of backbiting and misery and people who can either go along with his whims or suffer the consequences.

At this point in the game, Meg is so fucking tired. Every time we run into her in the lounge, hunched over a table, the venom in her voice when she tells us "Do I look like I have anything to say to you?" is so bitter and so exhausted. There was a system, and she knew her place in the system, and it was a system divinely ordered by the gods themselves, and sure it was cruel but that's the literal will of the universe as far as she knows it. She had a role, and her role was vengeance and punishment and violence against those who'd committed the most egregious of sins in life, and there was a point to it, she was the divine deterrent to convince people not to do those things, and that was just, and that was right. The GODS THEMSELVES said so. How do you argue with that? You can't possibly argue with that!

And Zagreus is arguing with that. In trying to leave, he's questioning the unbreakable rule that nothing in the Underworld ever gets to leave it. In disobeying his father to do so, he's questioning the unbreakable rule that what the gods say is LAW. He's breaking everything.

And of course he's not trying to do any of that. He's not trying to destabilize the system at all. He's just trying to get himself out of it, to a place where he feels like he belongs and maybe a parent who's slightly nicer to him than this one. But toxic systems like this one break when the people within them have access to another option. When the kids find a way to actually leave, and not answer the phone, and not come home for holidays, and not deal with it any more. When the employees have the economic freedom to quit. When opportunities granted by education, money, social support, etc etc etc, show up and give people a choice. Even if the option is only ever for Zagreus--he's demonstrating that an option exists. Which is, of course, the one thing the system cannot ever allow.

I really like this game.

[astrowitch]

An Enjoltaire WIP

This is a scene from a big project I’m currently working on. As you may be able to tell, this scene is unfinished, but I’m pretty proud of it so far. I’ve tried to make the dialogue as authentic as I can to the 19th century, but it can be hard to do while still trying to be true to your own writing. It’s definitely ambitious, but I’ve tried my best, so please be patient with me. 

June 4th, 1832

“Grantaire, please just listen to me-“

“No! I’m not going to listen to you justify getting yourself killed!”

“You don’t know that I’ll be killed! What if we succeed? Then we still have time…then we have a bright future for France!” 

Grantaire sighed deeply, a sense of despair washing over him as he exhaled. 

“Enjolras, mon ange,” He began, gripping the blonde man’s soft, slender hand within his own big and rough one, “You are so idealistic. How I envy you and pity you at the same time. Your mind is beautiful, optimistic, everything I’ve ever wanted to be. But it is unrealistic. The National Guard will not listen to the people, much less students. I’m begging, if you just call this off, no one has to die. We can…we can be guaranteed time,” Grantaire’s voice caught in his throat as he finished what he was saying. Of course, right when he had earned a stroke of luck, the thing that he was living for was to be stripped away from in a matter of hours. Grantaire so desperately wanted to wake up tomorrow morning in his rooms with his lovely Enjolras in his arms and the sunlight beating down upon them. He knew that this wish was in vain, for Enjolras was the most selfless person he had ever met. He couldn’t be satisfied until everyone around him was. Grantaire would follow Enjolras to the ends of the Earth, so deep down, he knew that not only were these his last day or two with Enjolras and his friends, but also his last days alive. 

Enjolras had a look of frustration on his face, but still had a firm grip on Grantaire’s hand. His blue eyes bore straight into his lover’s soul, and Grantaire wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold his tears back. Hell, Grantaire didn’t even know if this Heaven he had been taught about was real. If God was real, how dare he burden this suffering upon Grantaire’s, Enjolras’s, and all of France’s backs. 

“Grantaire, nothing you say can stop me. I know what I must do. My duty lies with France, and I cannot let her down. I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my days with you, not a care in the world, but none of that is possible until France is reformed! When I feel the crunch of the monarchy beneath my feet, I will be at rest,” Enjolras rambled, his grip on Grantaire’s hand getting tighter. His eyes told a different story than his words, and it was easy to tell just how terrified Enjolras was behind his cover of fearless leader. It was in moments like these that Grantaire recognized Enjolras’ humanity, contrary to when he first met the man. 

Alexandre Enjolras was not a god. He was just a boy with a dream. 

Cynical Adrien Grantaire was irrevocably and utterly in love with him. Grantaire’s heart was breaking more every second he thought about losing his love. 

“Enjolras, please. I can’t lose you. I-,” Grantaire choked on a sob before he could mutter those three words to the boy in front of him. 

Arms immediately came to envelope Grantaire in a tight embrace. He felt the familiar soft curls brush up against his neck, and he tried to keep his sobs under control. 

“I know, Adrien. I know. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry-,” Enjolras was speaking through tears too, as Grantaire felt them soaking the collar of his shirt. It was even more unusual to hear Enjolras speaking his first name though, then it was to see him shedding a tear. 

Shakily, Grantaire brought one of his hands up from Enjolras’ waist to card it through his Apollonian curls. “I…I would call you Alexandre, but I think you might actually kick me,“ He tried joking, but it came out watery and desperate. Enjolras still let out a broken laugh, and Grantaire’s heart soared at the thought of himself bringing Enjolras joy. 

“Grantaire, I- there’s just so much I want to say to you and so little time. There are so many injustices in the world, and I feel that this is one of them,” mused Enjolras, his composure clearly cracking. 

“I think we’ve finally come to an agreement on something. How bittersweet those words taste on my tongue in a time like this,” Grantaire leaned his forehead against Enjolras’ own. The pair of them were an incredibly melancholy sight. 

“Grantaire?” Enjolras broke Grantaire out of his cage of darkness. 

“Yes?” He replied, the smallest twinge of hope manifesting in his voice.

“I…I need you to stay as far away as you can from the barricade tomorrow. I may be risking my life, but…but you don’t have to. Do you understand me?” These words looked like they were physically painful for Enjolras to say, like thousands of little knives pierced his throat as they fell from his mouth. 

Grantaire let out a humorless laugh at that. “Enjolras, you really believe that I will stay away from you tomorrow?” He started.

“Grantaire, please-“ 

“Enjolras. My world is nothing without you. I have no one if you and the others are to expire at the barricade. Living alone for eternity is a far worse fate than dying together. I told you that I would never abandon you, and I intend to keep that promise. There…there is no longer an Adrien Grantaire without an Alexandre Enjolras I’m afraid. My soul intertwined with yours the moment I laid eyes on you. Tomorrow, I’ll be there with you. I’ll die with you…and I’d do it over and over again for a million years if it meant I’d get to experience whatever we have,” Grantaire exhaled after he spoke these honest words. 

Enjolras surged forward to capture Grantaire’s lips in a passionate kiss. Grantaire felt tears staining both his and Enjolras’ cheeks as they embraced. It was horribly poetic, their tears mixing. All their anguish was shared, much like their fates seemed to be. When Enjolras finally pulled away from their kiss, he buried his face in the crook of Grantaire’s neck, hiding himself from the world. He was holding on to Grantaire impossibly tight, like he’d somehow slip away from his grasp if he didn’t. 

It was then Grantaire heard the most heart-wrenching sound; Enjolras gasping for breath, sobbing helplessly into his neck. This was so unlike the Enjolras that he had first met that it was almost disconcerting. This Enjolras was vulnerable and loving instead of cold and militaristic. This was the Enjolras that a lot of people didn’t have the pleasure of seeing. Of course, it was clear that Enjolras cared deeply for others, but he had never broken down like this before. 

“Shhh…I’m here. We’re going to get through this…together,” Grantaire soothed, holding the golden boy in his arms close. 

“I…I’ve never-“ Enjolras began, “I’ve never felt like this before. Oh, how Marius underestimated me in his speech about the girl he met. I do know how it feels to…to…,” he stumbled. 

“To?” Grantaire questioned, hoping that this was going the way he believed it was.

“To be in love. Grantaire, you’ve changed me for the better. How could I have gone on to die without knowing how it felt to be cared for by you? You’ve made my task so much more difficult than it was before, not only because you have a fondness for playing Devil’s Advocate. You have the kindest heart I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing. I’m honored that you let me in,” Enjolras didn’t have time to finish what surely would’ve been a long, rambling proclamation of love because Grantaire so quickly captured his lips in another kiss. 

“So many call me cynical, but more honest words have never been spoken than when I told you that I loved you from the moment I saw you. I have been your beloved Patroclus from the very beginning, and you my Achilles. How queer it is that we’re also condemned to a tragic end! Maybe it makes our ephemeral romance all the more fascinating,” Enjolras couldn’t help but grin as Grantaire began his waxing of the classics. It was one of many little quirks he adored about the artist. 

When Grantaire finished his spiel, the hopeless expression returned to his sullen face. Enjolras mirrored it, pressing his forehead against Grantaire’s own. 

“We will treasure this night, live in our own world. Tomorrow, we return to the situation at hand. We honor General Lamarque, and we will rise up and show the king that we are tired and desolate. If we are to perish, at least we have made a point. At least we have perished for the sake of the people,” Enjolras, ever the patriot, insisted passionately. If this wasn’t such a tender moment between the two of them, Grantaire normally would’ve started an argument, but he had the wise judgement to not say anything. 

[scrawnytreedemon]

For the character asks, Zant! You had a really good analysis of him and I'd like to know more of what you think about him :)

OH you know how to me going, don't you?

As you wish!

First impression: SEE, this one's complicated, actually! First time I heard the name was actually from a Sunday-meeting friend who'd been playing Twilight Princess alot at the time-- We were like, 8-9, 10? Fairly young. I'd gotten the impression from him that Zant had actually been a superior sort-of to Ganondorf-- Namely, older, and someone that would befitted the inspiration of my friend's bizarre Zant-being-Ganondorf's-father headcanon. I don't know what that was about, but I am ever in awe. The shit we as kids do. However most of my exposure was during my Zelda hyperfixation on Youtube at around the ages of 11-12, and beyond. I'd learned the whole story about how at around launch everyone initially thought Zant was this cool, menacing guy that seemed to exude such an Aura, always seeming to have the situation under control-- In other words, the fault here would have been that he played the Zelda villain schtick too close and ended up boring --But instead what happened was the sudden breakdown, and everyone in the fanbase losing all their respect for the poor sod. Didn't help that by the time Hyrule Warriors came out, that sentiment of him being a pathetic, childish, whiny, limp-wristed disappointment had not only solidified, but been fed. Now, I personally didn't take nearly as cynical of a view, and I was deeply endeared by him, his proximity to Ghirahim serving ample fuel, but I definitely didn't take his character seriously in any meaningful way-- For that to happen, I'd have had to build his character myself, which I did when I wished. In short, I had most people's impression.

Impression now: I. Where do I begin? Alot of it I'm just sad, like, really sad. It feels like his opportunity to be a character with worth was fucked over by Nintendo and thereafter the fanbase. Zant is so much more interesting than people give him credit for-- There's a serious underline of bitter tooth-gnashing envy he has for Midna, for the world of light, for anyone that has something he feels he rightfully deserves and won't lend it to him. There's a real sense he's genuinely upset at his lot in life, like all his hard work has come to naught, and he'll do anything to regain his lost dignity-- Dignity, which I realise, funny enough, is gratuitously ripped from him during and after the bossbattle? I think the guy in his everyday life is alot more like the stone-faced, affirmative yet calm facade he puts on in the game-- It makes sense, the guy was high up in the political hierarchy, the political hierarchy of the Twili no less; a race notorious for their even tempers and rejection of wrath. He probably came from an important family and had that drilled into his head since birth, making the ceaseless rage he possessed nonetheless something of an Achilles heel. Midna doesn't dispute his claim of deserving the throne based on his merit-- No, she goes straight to "we all thought you were shady as fuck and were reminded of our ancestors' lost king"(more on that thread later). She could've gone right in and went "no, I won it square and fair, you're a whiny entitled little brat" but she doesn't, and I think that at least says something. I think Zant's got alot of issues genuinely unpacking his emotions and handling them with care; he's lived a lifetime of repression, and I do believe there is a part of him that's internalised this idea that he's broken and unlovable, unadmirable, because that's what happens! That's what happens when enough people say a thing about us, no matter how hard we try to rise above it. And I think he did try. Zant in the original game comes off as someone who's tried doing that, who's lived doing that because it was the only way he could live and not completely shatter. And hot take--! I think he's far more akin to a calm, collected gentleman than Ghirahim has ever been, despite the poor dear's attempts. Ghirahim's verneer falls almost instantaneously, and constantly, while Zant's is one that breaks at the very end. I think there's such a lovely compare and contrast to be had here beyond "this one's the pretty little bitch and this one's the useless clown of a man who's brought dishonour on his whole family, rogue's gallery and series", you feel? I still think he's honestly a bit of a goof, but it's alongside everything else. I'd love a scenario where he learns to loosen up and not take him so seriously, of his own accord-- Have the other villains slowly coax him into something more comfortable, less... All that. I think Zant's goofiness works in contrast to his uptightness, not really as a replacement-- I just, don't like it when characters are there to be humiliated and nothing else. Get's my empathy going way too much.

Favorite moment: God, here's the thing, canonically? Not a cutscene. I don't particularly jive with any one moment, and especially not that post-boss cutscene-- What even the fuck. However... When I'd finally psyched myself up to actually confront him, it was the long trek to the bossroom. Past all these empty, empty halls and their awful, slow platforms. And then I was before the bossroom, again. I hadn't gone far here, last time-- I'd maybe walked halfway across the room, beat the first, maybe second wave of Shadow Beasts, and ran back, unable to take the task ahead. I went forth, taking down wave after wave of beast with my sword alone in a way I had so rarely done before now-- The last defenses of a crumbling fortress. I tried sweeping away the crystals-- Tried making this place clean, orderly, just a little, but this isn't that sort of game. You don't sweep cobwebs for manic men on the brink of annihilation. You're meant to kill. I unlocked the door. And then I was in the bossroom. At the bottom of the stairs. The game had not taken over, as I had expected. It was here I made one final, frantic ditch-effort to make my way out the door and leave this-- Leave this for who knew when-- But despite it looking like every other door I'd been through in this tedious, miserable place we're expected anyone would ever want to live in, I could not. Onwards and upwards. Saw him there on the throne, waiting. Like everything was still alright-- Almost alright. Or maybe he was sneering. I don't know. What I do, though, is that the moment shattered as soon as I came closer. The game took the reins, and that was that.

Idea for a story: Too many. I come up with a new one anytime you leave me to my own devices. I am left to my own devices alot. Something exploring his and Midna's relationship, though-- I don't mean that in an inherently romantic sense, but as in just, everything. What it was like, giving your all against another? The envy, oh the envy-- Buckets upon buckets of it, sour, sour like vinegar, and just as acidic. What is want? What is possession? What does it mean to desire all another person has, and how much of that is them? Maybe I'll get around to it, in prose or poem.

Unpopular opinion: As you can surmise from the impressions section, I'm not a big fan of his Hyrule Warriors presentation. I'm sure there's some wonderful stuff in there, but what ended up happening was it cemented the image already laid out and left just, so little actual consideration for the guy?

Favorite relationship: WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME PICK??? The obvious ones are Ganondorf and Midna, both in how they pertain to what he wants, and how they serve as a reminder for the future and the past respectively? God, that sounds so pretentious I hate it BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? There's alot of meat there, and I think narrative-wise these are the strongest. However because I am also hero/villain trash, I love my Zant/Link-- I think it's fun to play around with their differing backgrounds(a high-minded aristocrat vs. a down to earth goathand), a kind of mutal curiosity, along with all the usual shit that comes with hero/villain dynamics? Alot of line-towing, sneaking out behind everyone's backs, muses that could be either affections, threats, or both. There's an inherent air of betrayal, whether in the sense that your dallaince alone is as such to your duty and all whom rely on it... or awaiting it. Awaiting destruction. And that's always the thing with villains, isn't it? Something will break, inevitably; it's just nature. It's not a question if someone cracks, but who, and if it's you, them, or both. It's usually both, in some way or another. Nobody walks away unscathed. Also i think Zant and Zelda should be friends. Not like, in canon-straiiight(there'd be alot of fuckery going on but you KNOW that'd add to it for mehgjggfhk), but as in just. Yeah their characters should sit together and cob their hair and paint their nails and throw meaningful glances. I think they deserve to. You can fight me on this but just know you'll be wrong. There's obviously his whole schtick with Ghirahim, but this is getting WAYYYY too long and I need to make a post just for that alone, honest to god. I could go on for miles more but I'll cap it off here.

Favorite headcanon: Aussie accent. OKAY WELL IT'S ALOT MORE THAN THAT, but if the relationships section was long than this would be a trip around the globe and a half-- Not to mention, I'd have retreaded alot of old ground, which you can hopefully scroll through at your leisure via the tags on my blog-- Barring any Tumblr shenanagens. One I can think of off the top of my head that I haven't shared on its own would be that the guy's autistic-- It just feels, like such low-hanging fruit, it's impossible for me not to. I don't even feel like I'm bullshitting, Nintendo legit gave the guy a full-on meltdown; that's on them. I think one I can retread though is the idea that him and Midna have Gerudo heritage, and that within Twili society that has its own complications-- It makes all this shit where Zant keeps trying to coax Midna over and accuses her of being a traitor, as well as her bringing up of their ancestors' old king all the more palpable, and so, so very personal. Just, augh. Again! I have alot more in mind, but I think these two shall suffice.

Thank you for asking! I have spent, quite a bit writing this, and I think I'll answer anything else tomorrow. As always, there's probably stuff I've missed, stuff I'll be itching to fill in later, but again, for now I think this ought to suffice.

Thank you again <3

[karlnapity]

it’s not worth it, achilles.

(tws: manipulation, emotional & slight physical abuse, panic attacks, one very vague reference to suicidal ideation, agoraphobia)

eret is a watcher.

they’ve never wanted to be at the center of the conflict. content with being off to the side, content with taking what’s given to them.

(but are they?)

they care for wilbur, for tommy, for tubbo, for fundy, for all of them. that isn’t a question. wilbur had welcomed them into his nation with open, welcoming arms, and they accepted graciously and without hesitation.

they can see the gears turning in dream’s head, and they can only see those gears growing sharp with time. it’s not much of a question.

and maybe that has something to do with it, but at the end of the day they can’t quite say what made them accept dream’s invitation to chat.

(it was greed, it was the promise of power, it was cowardice and ambition and desperation all wrapped in a disgusting little bundle that rested in their chest, and maybe still does.)

in any case, they find themselves face to face with the man who should be their worst enemy right now.

they hold themselves poised as they can, and for some reason it makes dream huff what must be a laugh. he settles on a block, gesturing for eret to do the same. they refuse.

“so i have a proposition,” dream starts, adjusting his mask to more thoroughly cover his face. he pauses, and eret raises an eyebrow, waves for him to continue.

“we’re looking for a king to rule the smp,” he says, leaning forward.

“i thought you had george for that,” they say. what is this?

“not for now. later, sure, but i’m not sure he’s ready.” that makes eret frown. it’s an odd way to refer to one’s right-hand man, but at the end of the day it’s not their business.

“you’re asking me to be king?” they ask, hesitant.

“i’m not asking,” dream responds, and something in his tone makes them freeze. they take a step back, almost unwittingly.

“i want you to be king, eret. i think you’d do a banger job,” dream says, standing. as he stalks closer, they clench their fists, silently beg themselves not to show their discomfort.

he stops only a few inches away, crosses his arms far too casually for the situation.

“this is how it’s going to go,” he commands, and suddenly eret is far, far too aware of how this man has commanded men, won wars.

whatever he says… they can’t refuse.

> contrary to what everyone says, they don’t want to be a traitor, but if everyone’s going to think they’re the villain they might as well make it sound good.

the final control room goes perfectly. as they find themselves next to dream on the battlefield, dream’s cold, commanding hand leaving a bruise on their shoulder where he holds it proudly, they don’t feel like much a king, and they feel an awful lot like a slimy traitor.

> it’s not a coronation as much as a condemnation. dream places the crown on their head, and they can’t help but flinch away.

they think they hear sapnap stifle a chuckle, and every nerve in their body constricts in barely contained rage.

dream uses his hand to force eret’s chin up, and they refuse to meet his eyes until he squeezes enough to hurt. he nods, patronizingly, lets go and brushes invisible dust off their shoulders.

they pray for it to be over.   > being a king has always been a figurehead. they hold no power.

dream doesn’t accept anything less than perfect. not in their posture, not in their robes, not in their voice and actions. they do what he says, and they don’t what he doesn’t.

the others hate them, still, and they can’t blame them in the slightest. they’ve barely seen them, not since the final control room, and they can only hope they’ve pulled themselves together, since.

they’re so proud of tommy. but they can’t say that, not hardly, not when dream’s pacing back and forth in the meeting room.

they stand at the door like a guard, only really there as a pretty decoration, and they’re only forced to listen while dream and the others concoct plan after plan to kill the others.

they’re so tired. > they’re more of a target than anything. dream promised them immunity, and they knew it was a lie then; it’s only brought the opposite.

they’re a figure for everyone’s hatred. dream is still acting reasonable in the public eye, for now, and eret is the crazy one. the one who traded their country for kingship, for power that doesn’t exist.

dream doesn’t let them cry, not when he can see it. they’re more thankful for their glasses than ever.

they’ve gotten real good at hiding flinching, too. > dream doesn’t starten to loosen his hold at all until the election. they don’t think he means to, but with other playthings in the form of a president and an exiled man, he doesn’t have as much time to fuck with them.

but he makes one thing very clear:

“don’t leave the castle without my permission, got it?”

they’ve got it. > fundy is the first to visit, and when the first signs of orange appear at the end of the throne room, they almost weep in relief, almost trip on the edge of their cloak before dream’s words snap them back to their senses, telling them not to act undignified. they still can’t help the giddy smile on their face, and fundy looks them hard in the eye before an awkward “hi.”

they return it quietly. > it’s a hard thing, walking the line between trying to apologize and trying not to reveal anything.

(because they can’t tell the others. they can’t.)

they’re pretty sure fundy suspects something, but they can’t say anything.

not even when they flinch whenever someone raises their voice or moves too fast, or how they’re so much quieter than before, or how they staunchly, staunchly refuse to leave the castle unless it’s an event they’ve been invited to.

dream is playing them like a fucking fiddle, and they can’t do anything about it. > niki is the first person they say anything to.

they’re on a parapet, looking out at the stars, and niki rests her head on their shoulder. they smile down at her. they’ve removed their glasses, and the light from their eyes bathes her in gentle light.

“i’m worried for you,” she says, hooking her arm in theirs. they start back a bit.

“what do you mean?” they ask, trying and failing to reclaim the royal disposition they fall back to in situations like this.

“you’re not happy as king,” she says, moving to fully look them in the face.

(they’re uncomfortable. what do they say? what would dream want them to say? what’s safe?)

“i’m fine,” they say. “it’s just stressful, is all.”

she scoffs. “with what work? eret, it’s obvious you’re not in charge. just please, tell me what’s going on. is it dream?”

they feel the urge to lower their voice like he’s listening in, as silly as it is.

(is he?)

their hands are shaking, and they clasp them to hide it. “i can't tell you anything."

and they don’t say anything more, because dream is there, guiding niki out of the castle, and they don’t say anything to stop it. > they hate him. they hate him, they hate him, they hate him, they hate him, and they don’t say anything about it.

they let dream toy with the idea of replacing them with george, they let him threaten their life, they let him say everything he wants to him, and they take it with grace like they know he wants them to do.

they stand in the center of the room as he paces, feeling so utterly exposed. their crown feels heavy, their robes feel like they’re pulling them to the floor, but they stand composed even as they feel like they might lose a life any moment.

they clench their fists to hide how they’re shaking like a leaf, and it does nothing.

he lunges forward, grasps their chin, and they know now to make eye contact immediately. their eyes reflect off his mask.

he tilts their head, inspecting something, and they don’t flinch even as they know he’ll leave bruises on their cheekbones. he pushes them back, and they try not to stumble.

“you’re an embarrassment,” is all he says. “and if you speak to any of them tomorrow, if you even think of leaving the throne room, i’ll kill you right then and there.”

and they don’t doubt it for a second. > fundy tries to get their attention, and as his ears droop and he spits retorts as he leaves and they pretend to continue reading the book and shift uncomfortably on the throne, they feel like crying. dream is just taunting them. > the next day, it’s niki. she stares them down, tells them not to bend this low, and she leaves. they do cry, then, and dream tells them to stop. and they do. > then it’s sapnap, and they don’t know whether they can talk to him as he tells them about his day. their hands curl on their book, and they don’t know where dream is, and they don’t know if sapnap is safe, and everything feels like too much and sapnap is asking them if they’re paying attention, and then they’re ripping the book with their grip and they’re crying and sapnap is asking them if they’re ok and they still don’t know whether he’s safe and they can’t breathe, and they’re on the floor and sapnap is still asking them if they’re ok and they don’t know.

and dream is there, and for once his hold is soft and he strokes their hair and tells them it’s ok, and of course of sapnap is safe, you’re being silly, and how about we call it a day, and they can’t even help but nod in agreement. > dream tells them to take the day off, and they know it’s not kindness, because as they give up on the latch of the door and wonder whether they can make it out of the window, they see a few people congregating near the castle. they can’t quite make out their names, their faces, or even their voices, but they can tell anger when they hear it. something is happening. > and in front of everyone, the next day, as dream stares her down, niki asks them to join her. they lower their head, stare at their lap as dream chuckles. > but they do. dream tells them he’ll kill them. he tells them he’ll kill niki, kill fundy, kill tommy, kill everyone, but it doesn’t matter. he won’t hurt anyone but them, at least not for now, and they don’t fucking care.

let him do as he pleases, they won’t go down easy. anything is better than this.

they rip the crown off their head, throw it down at dream’s feet, and they leave the castle for the first time in months. > niki cheers when she sees them, and they grin, hug her, grab her and swing her around. it doesn’t matter that they’re both in armor, it doesn’t matter that they’re about to go to war against him, they’re there and they’re out and they’re with the people they love.

even if they don’t love them back. they don’t miss tommy’s glare.

(they deserve it.) > they pity george.

they offer their comfort. they don’t get a response.

(not for months, anyways.)   > they retake their mantle, and it’s only a bit easier than before. dream’s control has loosened, but it’s still there, still a looming sense of fear that makes it hard for them to take a full breath.

their friends aren’t there much anymore. fundy is lost in grief, and niki’s doing… whatever she’s doing.

but a new member approaches them oohs and aahs at their castle but approaches them like a person in a way that makes them want to weep.

her name is puffy, and they love her already. > it’s so hard to leave the castle. they still imagine dream popping out from somewhere, telling them to get back inside, and more often than not they don’t make it out of the door. they're loitering in the doorway, fidgeting with their hands when they see puffy. she waves at them, grinning, and they give her a shaky smile back.

“what’s up?” she asks. their chest tightens.

“um. not sure yet,” is all they can muster, and god, dream wouldn’t like that, but it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t fucking matter anymore.

she nods. “cool.”

they stand in silence for a few seconds, and then she extends a hand and says, “i’m on a walk. wanna join me?”

it’s clear what she’s doing, and they grin at her kindness. the looming feeling in their chest dissipates, just a little. they take her hand, and soon enough they’re out from under the shadow of the castle, and they’re in the sunlight.

and it's hard, their hands still shake and they get the urge to run back where it's safe even when it's not, but she distracts them every time their eyes stray and when they sit down in the middle of the prime path and hide their face in their hands and scrub tears a voice tells them they shouldn't be shedding in the first place she sits with them and makes them laugh. > “maybe being king can be something good,” puffy tells them one night.

“you think?” they ask, huffing a laugh. “i’m not sure.”

“yeah,” she says, elbowing them playfully. “you’re in a special position. maybe you can use your influence to help everyone.”

“i don’t have influence,” they start, but she interrupts.

“i know, maybe politically, you don’t. but people respect you. you can use that.”

it’s hard to imagine anyone respecting them, after their cowardice. but as they lean against puffy and stare at the crater, they suppose someone needs to try around here. and they will.

(they push down the voice that says it’s retribution.)

[artsy0wl]

Maul: A Broken Evil Retrospective

On a Star Wars Amino I’m in, I had made an introspective on why I feel that Maul, while he is a villain is not whole heartedly evil, but broken.  I took from said Amino post, with a few needed edit tweaks.

Chaotic Evil

Of course given the fact he was a Sith and some of the decisions he’s made, I don’t completely want to negate that in this discussion. If we were to use the alignment chart (lawful good, true neutral, chaotic evil, etc), he would probably fit best in Neutral Evil. From my understanding, Maul would fit Neutral Evil as a lot if what he does has to do with benefiting himself. Even if that means using allies (i.e. Ezra initially) and potentially betraying them (i.e. blinding Kanan once the Inquisitors were dealt with). He’ll follow things as he needs and can be calculating when he needs (like his take over of Mandalore). He’s not spontaneous enough or lacks enough restraint to be Chaotic Evil (like the Joker for instance), nor is he as calculating and “lawful” to be Lawful Evil (like say Thrawn and/or Palpatine). With that said, I’d agree that Maul has a darkness/evil in him considering all of the things he’s done. Obviously, he’s not winning any hero points by killing people like Qui Gon and Satine or blinding and attempting to kill Kanan. 

Onto why I feel he’s broken.

Palpatine: Taken From a Young Age and Molded into what Sidious Wanted

Whether it be Talzin offering Maul as a child in Canon or his mother giving Palpatine Maul as a baby in Legends (Darth Plagueis), Maul was caught in a situation that he really didn’t have much control over. Granted, his life may not have been much better on Dathomir, given how the Nightsisters used their male counterparts, but there’s no telling what kind of life he could have had, had he not been handed over to Palpatine. Maul was molded into a weapon as Darth Sidious’ apprentice. And Maul spent most of his younger years being molded into what Sidious wants. Only to be “cast aside” when he is presumed dead. With Sidious being his only form of human contact/interaction, it’s fair to say that Maul feels a level of rejection/abandonment by the only person he had a bond with.

However, rather than having a level of depression because of it, he’s angry about it. For him that seems to be a common response, along with hatred and arrogance (the latter of which was used to explain how he survived the Phantom Menace). Sidious created a weapon out of Maul. And with that, a character with no real coping mechanism or knowing how to let things go.

A lot of, if not all of, Maul’s issues can be linked back to Sidious in some way. Sidious isn’t exactly Mentor of the Year material. Especially with Maul.  Though that could be chopped up to him being a Sith and very manipulative.  He wasn’t the kindest person to the Zabrak pre or post Phantom Menace (both in canon and Legends). Either way, a lot of Maul’s issues are a direct result of Palpatine’s involvement in his life.

If it weren’t for Sidious, Maul would have a normal life (or whatever that would equate to on Dathomir). He would have had his family, would have been more level headed and maybe less cocky, and he wouldn’t have enraged abandonment issues. The amount of grief, trauma, and hatred would be vastly different

Family: He Lost a Brother and a Mother

Let’s be real, thanks to Sidious, Maul’s lost a brother and a mother (two brothers when you count Feral, though he never got to meet him). By the time Savage came around in Clone Wars, we got to see Maul sort of build his character more than say the Phantom Menace (the novels did too, but I can’t say that everyone’s read them). We also get to see Maul exhibit more emotion where, again, the movie lacks as well as the introduction of his family, Mother Talzin, Feral, and Savage. And while Maul may not have been what you’d call an “affectionate” brother, he does care for Savage to the best of his ability.

Their deaths still haunted him years after the events of the Prequel Trilogy and Clone Wars. These deaths stuck with him psychologically to the point that he is still effected by it in Rebels. Which in turn, may have contributed some to him wanting Ezra as an apprentice (among other factors).

Torture After Loss

In Son of Dathomir after Maul tries to get back at Sidious, he is captured after his last battle with Sidious in Clone Wars (season 5). It starts off with Maul being interrogated and tortured by Sidious. He makes it through without faltering and escapes with the help of the Shadow Collective. That being said, we never really get to see where his mindset is. During Son of Dathomir, he gets a lot done, capturing Dooku and Grievous (taunting Sidious and working with Dooku to fight Obi Wan and a few other Jedi before escaping). However, we don��t get to see the mental toll Savage’s death here. Though with everything going on, I guess there wasn’t time.

Now the reason I bring this up, is because part of me felt like I should and the timing. Prior to Son of Dathomir, Maul had recently lost Savage. At the end, he loses his mother. The torture and the scheming in between shows how he didn’t catch a break. And while he was able to stay strong when he had to, they never really explored how the torture effected him, which one would think he would have been.

Obsession, Insanity, Arrogance: Maul’s Faults

I do feel like I address this point. I’ve already kind of touched on his anger and arrogance (synonymously with cockiness). While training Maul, Sidious didn’t consider how arrogant he had let the Zabrak become (according to Darth Plagueis, the novel). This has Maul’s Achilles Heel since the Phantom Menace. While having a healthy dose of pride never hurt anyone, a healthy dose, Maul dose not possess.

His obsession with getting Obi Wan and Sidious is another issue. This really only pops up after his apparent death in Phantom Menace. Because after that point, Maul finds out that he was replaced by Sidious (with Dooku) and that he was bested by a mere Padawan (Obi Wan). I feel like this obsessive tendency is a combination of his feelings of abandonment and having his ego damaged.

And of course, I feel like Maul’s roughly decade long battle with insanity really didn’t help his psyche. While his sanity was restored thanks to Mother Talzin and Savage, I do feel like that’s caused more harm than good. Something like that had to feel draining after getting his sanity restored. He was sitting on a trash planet and on his own. Along with not having anything from the waist down and forced to manage with what he had. Hatred may have helped keep him alive, but his psyche during those ten years didn’t.

He has a lot of internal conflict in an emotional and mental sense. Unfortunately, these negative emotions, obsession and pride especially, cause him more harm than good.

The Ezra Bond: Feeling a Need to Replicate a Connection, Even if He Approaches it Incorrectly

By the time Rebels rolls around, Maul is older and calmer (though still proud). Obviously, he still wants to get back at the Empire for what they (more specifically Sidious) did to him. And at first, Ezra seemed like someone that he could use. This is an element that is prevalent, however, not the only aspect of their relationship.

According to Sam Witwer, Maul’s VA, Maul did have a (platonic) fondness for Ezra. And on top of wanting to make Ezra his apprentice, Maul wanted to emulate a sense of brotherhood between him and Ezra. For example, his phrase in Visions and Voices when Maul says “...We can walk that path together. As friends. As brothers.” How he said it shows how he does miss Savage and wants that family back.

That being said, how he approached this connection could be seen as manipulative and more than likely one sided.  Sure, over the course of Twilight of the Apprentice, Ezra grows on Maul, to the point where Maul wants to make him his apprentice and has an appreciation for Ezra. However, his pride and lack of planning cause a rift between them and there was a lot of mistrust on Ezra’s part, not that one could blame him.

Subsequent episodes show that Maul is hellbent on making Ezra his apprentice through any means possible. 

Maul lost Savage and Talzin, and Ezra was one of the first few people to trust him in years.  I think it’s safe to say that, in Maul’s mind, Ezra gave him a sense of belonging or connection.

Maul’s need for a connection could be interpreted as him trying to find something good in life. However, manipulative tendencies and how he was brought up, hinder him doing that in a healthy and positive way. With Savage, he didn’t need to do anything as they both had a similar plan when they met (Savage being indoctrinated into the ways of the Sith). But subsequent relationships (i.e. Ezra), Maul is at a bit of a disadvantage emotionally and morally. 

Sure, he could relate to Ezra since they both lost people they care for because of the Empire (and by extent Sidious), but manipulation and harming Ezra’s allies hinder a smoother connection. Even if a force bond was eventually made. Ezra, arguably, could have been what he needed for what he wanted and a possible change/redemption/blank slate only for things not to entirely go as plan.

Could Maul Have Something Along the Lines of PTSD?

Now, I could do a mini theory about this as I’ve speculated that with another character before. It’d be an interesting way to look at Maul’s psychology. It’s one last little avenue I thought I’d address before closing this post out. Of course, it’s worth noting that I am not a Psychology major (as interesting as psychology is). I have, however, done some research.

I do believe that Maul, to some degree, may have PTSD. But instead of exhibiting panic/anxiety, depression or easily startled, Maul has more aggressive tendencies and is easy to anger. He still lives with the trauma of the death of his brother (and mother) and flashbacks of that and other events in his life, I’m sure he’d be effected by.

Conclusion

In conclusion, while I certainly think that Maul is no hero, his life experiences certainly effected what kind of person he became. Being raised as a weapon, abandoned, and tortured would bring any normal person way down. And because that was all Maul knew, I don’t think that entirely means he’s evil. Rather, he’s a character who’s been used and abused to the point that he’s mentally and psychologically broken. Unfortunately, that effects his life in ways that make him arrogant, hateful and obsessive. And when he tries to build bonds later in life, he doesn’t know how to in a way that, while laced in trauma, has manipulative and one sided undertones.

That being said, I feel like I should round out this introspective with a little positive. While he’s definitely been through a lot, Maul is pretty resilient all things considered. He’s cheated death and managed to live through a lot of abuse. The fact that he could keep bouncing back shows just hoe resilient and determined the character is.

[greekgeek21]

Percy Jackson & The Avengers: Convergence - percy meets a real life pirate

Hi! I'm just gonna let you guys know now that I don't really have an updating schedule thus far. The only thing I'm doing it making sure that I get a chapter out at least every 2 days.

I hope you guys are enjoying this so far, and please don't hesitate to correct me if I make any technical mistakes. Sometimes my beta and I will both miss something.

This would not have been possible without my amazing beta reader, nightskywithrainbows, so tysm you are a lifesaver. You keep this story from being absolute shit.

As a reminder, this story is also on FF, Ao3, Inkitt, Webnovel, and Wattpad. If you prefer those places, just go check out the story on there. Now, on with the good stuff! Stay safe and happy reading!

- your author

Ω ♆ Ω

The first thing Percy felt was aching and stinging pain coming from his side. He groaned and tried to sit up, but found that he was tied down to a gurney with leather straps. So they think I'm a psycho. Nice to know, Percy's ADHD brain thought.

The bright lights caused his vision to swim for a second before they could focus and perform a quick surveillance of the room that revealed to Percy that he was in some sort of metal box. The walls had hexagons on them and there was a metal table with two metal chairs in the middle of the room. Basically, everything was metal.

In the corner, there was a camera with a blinking red light, so Percy knew that he was being watched. That meant he couldn't try an Iris Message unless he wanted some interesting questions from his captors that he didn't have answers to. He wasn't an idiot.

Speaking of his captors, nobody had come in yet, but they clearly knew he was awake. That meant that they were trying to scare him. Little did they know, it would take a lot more than isolation to scare him. Specifically, something less mortal.

Deciding that it would be best to try to calm himself, Percy willed his muscles to relax and closed his eyes. On the outside, it seemed like he was sleeping, but on the inside, his mind was flitting from topic to topic faster than light. It went from freaking out, to figuring out how to escape, to Annabeth, to his mom, to sleep, and back to freaking out. It was an endless cycle.

"You aren't that good of an actor, you know," a voice shocked him out of his thoughts, causing him to attempt to jump up again.

The attempt resulted in his wrists undoubtedly getting bruised, and his side to feel like he just got kicked in the ribs. Remembering that, apparently, Hill shot him, he started to freak out again. When he looked down, he could barely see the blue liquid dried on his side. So they had poisoned him then?

"You poisoned me?!" he exclaimed, finally meeting the eyes of the voice.

It was a middle-aged man with a starting of a receding hairline, with smile lines around his eyes. He was wearing a simple suit with an outline of a gun sticking out on the side, so he was another agent, but he kind of reminded Percy of Paul with how he presented himself.

The man gave him a small smile, "Agent Hill only used a tranquilizer. My name is Agent Phil Coulson of the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcements and Logistics Division, or SHIELD."

Percy raised his eyebrows, "That's quite the name, and I thought you were the FBI. Also, would you mind telling me why I'm strapped down? I haven't done anything."

Percy thought that the best course of action was to stick with the innocent story, considering that it was partially true anyway.

"Well, I don't think that's completely true, Mr. Jackson. You assaulted our agent. We have every right to prepare for any other outbursts from you," Coulson said.

"She wanted to arrest me for no reason. I don't know what you guys want from me, but I can't help you. I'm a completely normal guy," Percy insisted, hand slowly sliding down until it rested against his pocket. He let out an involuntary sigh when he felt Riptide.

Coulson kept a cool face as he responded smoothly, "A completely normal guy wouldn't say he was completely normal."

Schist, Percy swore in his head. If Annabeth was there, they would've been free already. But with his luck, he would end up in some world-ending crisis again.

But then he heard a voice in his head. Not the kind of voice crazy people hear, but it was his father's voice, speaking to him like it used to during times of trouble. If this was serious enough to gain Poseidon's attention, then it was an issue Percy should be worrying about more. A demigod's life is never at peace...

"Stay silent, Percy. These are the ones working with the Avengers and the Norse god, Thor. They have not proven their trustworthiness yet. You were sent here to learn more about them. I'm sorry, Percy," his father said, voice somber and apologetic.

Percy gritted his teeth and resisted the urge to call the Fates a lot of colorful names. But that would just provoke them, so he stayed silent. He moved his gaze from Agent Coulson to the ceiling, trying to ignore the world around him. Unfortunately, that's impossible for someone whose mind is constantly alert to his surroundings.

Coulson sighed and tapped something on a tablet that Percy hadn't noticed, "Would you mind explaining this video?"

Percy tried to not look, but it was so tempting! So, he glanced over and saw himself, in his swim trunks, holding his hands out while thousands of gallons of water rose up out of the East River. Percy's eyes widened unconsciously in panic. He hadn't known there were cameras there, let alone that the Mist hadn't covered it up. Wait! The Mist.

"What do you see?" He asked, letting his head face Coulson again in question.

Coulon made a face that said he had just had a question answered for him. What that question was, worried Percy.

"I see a man, who looks a lot like you by the way, with extraordinary powers saving a lot of people. I just want to know if that man was you, and why we at SHIELD didn't know about your abilities," Coulson answered, staring Percy down.

The stare was like one you'd get from a teacher who had just asked you why you never turned in an assignment. It made Percy feel like he couldn't look away, but it almost hurt to keep looking.

But his father's voice rang in his head, reminding him to not reveal anything important, so he stayed silent.

Coulson sighed and stood up, "Very well, then. Let us know when you want to talk."

And then he left through a door in the wall that disappeared as soon as he was gone. Percy was seriously considering just using Riptide to slice his way out of there, but then he felt an unwanted feeling in his chest: Fear. They were in the air. How he had not realized earlier, Percy didn't know, but that wasn't his first priority in that moment. He was focused on getting OUT of the air and ON the ground, where he had no chance of getting electrocuted by his diva uncle.

The sky rumbled in the distance, but Percy ignored it. He had grown used to that happening whenever he thought ill of the gods, and it had stopped having an effect on him long ago.

He sent a silent prayer to his dad asking what to do. Annabeth's plans had never covered what to do when taken by a secret spy organization! He was clueless in this situation, as per usual.

All the answer he got was a gentle sea breeze blowing through the room. That's it. It was comforting, but not exactly clear on what the answer was. But that's how the gods do everything, anyway.

"Tell them you were born with the powers. You don't know where they came from, and you only wanted to help. You don't know anyone else who has them. Earn their trust, and figure it out from there. I trust you, son. Be careful," His father's voice flew through his mind.

Well, guess that answers that, Percy thought.

With yet another sigh, Percy called out to nobody, assuming they would hear him through some hidden microphone, "I'm ready to talk!"

Not a minute later, there was a click as the hidden door opened once again, letting in an asian woman in a skintight suit. She looked like the stereotypical spy, that's for sure.

She came over to him without a word and released his hands first, cuffing them with the same glowing handcuffs, before letting his legs free, too. She was clearly waiting for him to bolt, so Percy tried his best to make his body relax. If they were to trust him, he needed to cooperate fully.

The woman kept a permanent scowl on her face the entire time they were together. She was a little violent, too. She was practically shoving him the entire short walk. When they reached their destination, they were in a room with a huge screen table and three tvs on the wall. It was a whole lot of technology, and it made Percy on edge. Demigods and tech within two feet of each other are a big no-no.

The woman took his hesitation as a sign of escape and jabbed him in the small of his back, making his chest push forward immediately. Even though he had lost the Curse of Achilles, that one point on his body was still really sensitive. He turned his head around and shot a glare at the small lady on instinct. He tried to hold it back, but she had just poked his weakest point, what else could he have done?

"Move it," she growled out, meeting his glare with one of her own.

It didn't faze him, though. Lupa's was much scarier.

He sighed (he seriously needed to get a handle on the sighing), and sluggishly moved forward into the room. He just kept telling himself that the faster he got through this, the faster he got to see Annabeth again.

When he looked around the small glass room, he saw Agent Coulson, along with four others. Another, younger asian-looking woman (but she was in normal clothes), a tall brooding man in the corner dressed like an agent, a ginger-haired woman, and a nervous, curly-haired man. His eyes immediately drew to all the possible escape routes and any of the weapons, or things that could be used as weapons, in the room. The brooding man seemed to notice because he stood up tall and took a threatening step forward.

Percy ignored him, though, and looked straight at Coulson when he asked, "Why are they here? Tell them to leave."

"You don't give the orders here," Brooding man said before Coulson could speak.

Percy finally turned to the other Agent with a smirk, "And you don't either. And I don't remember asking you."

It's not like he TRIED to get in trouble with authority! It's more like authority seeks out trouble from him. This moment was an example (not that Percy would call the brooding man authority).

The brooding man took a couple more steps towards Percy, until he was right in front of him. He looked like he was used to towering over others, but Percy wasn't short or weak. He could confidently say that he could beat the man in front of him, so he kept his troublemaker smirk and stared the agent down.

"Watch it, Jackson. I'm not the one in handcuffs here," brooding man said before going back to his corner after a pointed look from Coulson.

"Are you sure about that?" Percy rebutted, holding his very uncuffed hands up in the air.

He couldn't help it, truly. It just slipped out! He had been unconsciously working on getting his cuffs off the entire time, and he had just broken free when the perfect opportunity came up.

Everyone in the room immediately either jumped forward to push him down or pulled out some sort of weapon. Except Coulson, that is.

"Stand down, guys. He's not gonna do anything. Isn't that right, Mr. Jackson?" he said.

Percy rolled his eyes, "Yeah. Of course not. If I wanted to get out of here, I would've a long time ago."

Turns out that wasn't the right answer because the first asian woman shoved him into the screen table, making him almost fall over. He held onto it for support, apparently touching something because a file with his face on it popped up. Percy immediately jumped back on instinct, fearing a monster would pop up out of the shadows. Except, the picture was from his junior yearbook photo...

"Why'd you guys have to use that picture? I look constipated!" he whined, scrunching up his nose in uncomfort.

The younger asian woman snorted, but tried to cover it up after her team glared at her. Clearly, she was the only one on the aircraft capable of feeling, Percy decided.

"We aren't here to discuss embarrassing yearbook photos, Perseus. We are here to talk about your abilities," The first asian woman stated.

"It's Percy," he corrected on instinct, and the woman glared at him even harder.

Before the situation could escalate any further, Coulson cut in again, "Could you please tell us what you wanted to tell us from before?"

"Yes. What do you want to know?" Percy said, putting his hands into his pockets and playing around with Riptide.

"Where do your abilities come from? How long have you had them?" The ginger asked.

Good, Percy thought with a smile, I know how to answer these ones.

"I was born with them, so I don't know where they come from." he stated simply, shrugging.

The ginger looked a little bit disappointed by that answer, but it didn't stop her from interrogating him more, "What are your limits? How have you kept your powers hidden for so long? Can I have a urine sample?"

Percy had decided that she was a scientist. With the way that everyone else was letting her ask all the questions, they probably thought she was the most capable. And plus, she was getting WAY too excited about pee.

"I don't know, I haven't really been hiding, and NO!!" he answered, giving the woman a look of disgust.

Now that he thought about it, it probably wouldn't be good if they got ANY DNA from him. He had never been told what it looks like with half of him made from the gods.

The ginger looked like she was going to ask more questions, but the curly-haired man rested a hand on her shoulder, seemingly calming her. Percy noted that the two were close.

"Any other questions?" he asked calmly, looking around.

Just as the brooding man looked like he was going to speak, the younger asian woman broke in, "Your powers are awesome! How much practice have you had with them? I would really love to see what else you could do with them!"

Ok, so the girl was probably a hero groupie. She didn't look like an agent, so that left the question of why she was on the plane with the rest of them.

Speaking of the plane, "Why are we flying? Can we finish this up on the ground PLEASE?"

Percy was already pushing his luck by being there for that long, let alone staying on here willingly.

The brooding man spoke, "How do you know we were flying? And unless you want to jump, no."

The brooding man was getting way too much joy out of Percy's fear. Like, phobias are real people!

"Ward, if you don't stop talking, I'm going to let Mr. Jackson have a go at you," Coulson said calmly, "Now, I have a proposition for you, Mr. Jackson, if you're willing to listen."

Percy figured that it couldn't hurt, so he gave the man a small nod. He was really trying to think before acting because he had a bad feeling that the conversation would change the course of his life for the better, or for the worse.

The other people in the room didn't seem to have prior knowledge of what Coulson was talking about, and that just made Percy more worried. What could possibly be important enough that Coulson hid it from his team (or that's what Percy thinks they are). His ADHD brain started to wonder where Hill went, but he quickly pushed that thought away. He needed to focus on the present!

"The Director would like you to join SHIELD. Officially, you would be a consultant. But unofficially, you would help us when we need your gifts." Coulson said, shocking literally everyone in the room.

Two beats of silence went before the team started into chaos:

"What?!"

"What are you talking about?!"

"Why weren't we told about this?"

"Am I even considered a consultant?"

"I'm sorry?"

Before it could get too out of hand, Percy spoke up, which seemed to silence everyone else, "Are you out of your mind? I thought I was a criminal!"

He wasn't admitting to being a criminal, but that's how they had been treating him. He might as well address their behavior.

"We need the full story from you before we can move forward, but the Director was clear in his orders," Coulson said.

Percy considered what the best option was. There really wasn't one, but what else was he gonna do?

"I want to speak to the Director in person before I give my answer," Percy came to his conclusion.

If anyone was going to learn whatever story he came up with, it would be the top dog in SHIELD. Nobody else, even if he's not allowed to reveal the gods.

Coulson thought about it for a second before answering, "Ok. He's in the interrogation room right now."

Before he could hold it in, Percy full-out laughed. Of course a spy organization would anticipate what he would want. Why not?

The rest of the team didn't seem to know about their guest either, though. Wow, Percy thought, Somebody needs to work on keeping everyone in the loop.

Then, Percy just walked out. Nobody tried to stop him, which meant that everyone was waiting until he was gone to truly let it show their lack of trust in the team. It took awhile to get there, but when he reached his cell again, he noticed that the door was very obvious from the outside and that it really wasn't that big of a room. He was surprised that they would put the boss inside a place they kept criminals.

Before he had even finished closing the door, Percy heard a deep voice speak, "Welcome, Mr. Jackson. I thought you would want to speak with me directly. I'm Director Nick Fury of SHIELD."

Turning around, Percy came face to face with a spy pirate. No seriously, the guy was wearing a long, black coat with an eyepatch over his left eye. The guy also had dark skin with a bald head. It took all of Percy's willpower to not burst out laughing at the sight. Plus, the guy was called Fury!

"Yeah. I'm only willing to tell you some things," Percy said.

"Understandable. What is it you would like to tell me? And does this mean you are agreeing to my proposition?" Fury asked.

Just as Percy was about to deny everything, his father spoke to him again (that was happening a lot that day), "It's okay, Percy. You can trust him. He doesn't know it, but he is a legacy of Nike. Zeus agreed to it."

Percy gave the Director a once-over before deciding it was safe, "Yeah, I'm in. And I need you to swear on the Styx that what is said in this conversation doesn't leave this room. Ever."

He may have had permission, but Percy wasn't just going to expose his entire family without some security first! He wasn't a total Seaweed Brain, despite what some people thought.

"Yeah, sure whatever. I swear on the Styx that this conversation won't leave this room," the Director sighed, clearly not liking Percy's stalling.

Thunder rumbled in the distance.

Taking a deep breath and pushing past any natural instincts he had, Percy spoke something he never likes to say to a mortal, "I'm a demigod."

Ω ♆ Ω

My boyfriend is out of his mind! Annabeth screamed in her head.

She was currently walking up to the Big House after gathering all of the cabin counselors, praetors through IM, and the rest of the Seven. After Percy was taken, she had immediately left for camp. She had understood what Percy was trying to tell her before, and she was happy that he had actually thought a little about his actions before doing them. Given, they were stupid actions, but it was improvement.

Annabeth hadn't told anyone what was happening, just said that it was an emergency and that it involved Percy. That was all they needed to know it was important. Honestly, everyone had been anticipating Percy to mess up sooner than he had. They had made it an entire year before something big happened! Once again, improvement for the son of Poseidon.

As she walked into the rec room, she watched as everyone's eyes turned to her. At first, it was a little unsettling, but she steeled herself over before any signs of weakness shown through. She had to keep a strong front for her friends, especially since Percy was mis- no, taken, again. She refused to say Percy was missing. He promised he wouldn't leave her again, and she was holding him to that.

After she had taken a seat, Chiron spoke, "What happened, child?"

"Yeah! What's Prissy gotten himself into this time?" Clarisse grunted.

Annabeth ran a hand through her hair once, a habit she had picked up from Percy, before answering, "He's been taken by the FBI, or someone impersonating them. They seemed too skilled to be the FBI. He told me to get you guys for help."

"Of course he has," Nico muttered from his spot next to Will Solace, "Cuz why not?"

Annabeth gave him a small smile, "I have a plan. We're going to break him out from wherever he is. We'll figure out where he is by IMing him, and then we'll storm the place. I want our heaviest hitters making a distraction while Nico and I break him out. Got it everyone?"

She had said that all in one breath. She really didn't have time to go over it again, and her face must have betrayed that, so everyone just nodded along.

"We'll IM him and then see who we need to bring," she said, already pulling out a drachma and a rainbow maker, courtesy of Iris.

Making the rainbow, she said, "O Fleecy, do me a solid. Show me Percy Jackson, location unknown."

The mist shimmered before showing Percy in a metal box, talking to a dark-skinned man with an eyepatch. From the sound of it, they hadn't noticed her yet, so she cleared her throat. She didn't care if the eyepatch man saw her, she needed to see if Percy was okay.

Both men looked over at her and her relieved smile grew into a scowl when she saw that Percy looked completely at ease, "Perseus Jackson! Where are you, and why haven't you contacted me?!"

She distantly heard Leo mutter 'whipped' before Percy stammered over a response, "A-Annabeth! I-I'm fine! I was just going to call you, too!"

Her face was probably a tomato of fury, "Like Hades you were!"

"Can we please stop using my father's name as a curse?" Nico asked, but nobody paid any attention.

"I swear I was! I just finished making a deal!" Percy exclaimed.

"He was, whoever you are. I assume you are his girlfriend?" the eyepatch man said.

She rounded on him, but before she could start her yelling, Percy spoke up, "Wise Girl! I. AM. FINE. I just made a deal that will let me go. I will tell you about it when I see you again, but I can't do that if you're yelling at Fury!"

Percy's eyes widened at his ambitiousness, and he seemed to be about to take it all back, but Annabeth spoke first, "If you aren't at camp in an hour, I'm coming to find you."

And then she swiped a hand through the message before Percy could try to apologize. Gods, that boy is in a world trouble, Annabeth thought before storming out of the room and towards the Poseidon cabin without another word.

Ω ♆ Ω

Remember to like, comment, reblog, and follow me! Stay safe and happy reading!

- your author

other chapters :)

[melodyalanaroster]

What Do I Do?

Disclaimer: This is a sequel to Study Session.

Alana opened the door to the Gym and immediately zeroed in on the punching bags. Nathaniel looked at her and smiled. “That was quick.” She set her bag down, walked over to him and hugged him. Nathaniel looked concerned. “What’s wrong?” Alana looked around. “You have the Gym to yourself today?” Nathaniel nodded. “Kim is taking a personal day, so she lent me the key again.” “Good. Because I don’t want any eavesdroppers. I’m still not in a position for outsiders to see me weak.” “Alana, what happened?”

Alana proceeded to tell Nathaniel what had happened with Morgan, and everything that Morgan had told her. Nathaniel looked shocked at the news of what had happened with Rosalaya. Alana looked down. “I was so hell bent on being mad at them for abandoning us. For trying to turn me against you when I got back. For trying to get me to do stuff that I wasn’t comfortable doing. For making everything about them and refusing to listen to me. Now… Now, I just feel selfish.” “There is nothing wrong with you being selfish. You know that, right?” Nathaniel cooed as he held her. “Everyone keeps telling me that, but then, why do I feel guilty for not helping them?” Alana buried her face in his chest. “Because you have always been the helpful type. You always put others first and when you do take time for what you want, you feel guilty because you’re not helping someone else. And now, you’re in a position where you’re being told by all the people you believe have power in your life to take charge and be selfish. The thing is, now, not only is your helpful nature making you feel guilty, but certain people who are so used to you always being there are now having to deal with the fact that you are now only providing your help to those who are there for you.” Alana looked at Nathaniel, shocked. “I forgave Amber! I forgave her and am there for her… Why can’t I do the same for Alexy and Rosalaya?” She asked. “Love, you’ve already answered that question for yourself. Amber came to you, proved to you that she’s changed and grown up and then she apologized for her juvenile actions. Rosalaya and Alexy have committed acts that you cannot forgive. What makes things worse is that, while Leigh has left you alone on the subject, Alexy’s boyfriend has now called you into question.” Nathaniel explained.

Alana sat down on a bench and sighed. “This was not how my final year of college was supposed to be… I was supposed to come back to town, get back with you, finish college, then have us start our real adventure. My reputation is supposed to be so damn fearsome that no one would dare question me or my motives! For fucks’ sake! I spent the better part of the last five years becoming one of the most deadly people on the planet! I come home and Alexy and Rosa just expected me to be the same, sweet, little Alana!” She cried. Nathaniel sat down next to her and wrapped his arms around her. “I can sympathize with them on that… When I first saw you in that Alley with those guys, I couldn’t comprehend that you, you, had become a monster of the Black Tower… That they were afraid of you… And that the fear and respect you command was rightfully earned. I didn’t want to believe it. How could I? The kind, caring, sweet, woman I fell in love with ultimately embracing her dark side and becoming a sadistic, cruel, beast that the monsters of this world fear? It was unheard of.” he explained. “Everyone has a dark side. You know that.” Alana commented. “Still. It was definitely more of a shock to see your transformation. You left to care for your mother, then you went off the grid, then you came back as this. Love, I’m not justifying their actions, but I can see why they can’t wrap their heads around it.” Nathaniel had a point. She hadn’t been as honest with Alex and Rosa as she had been with him, Amber and even Castiel. However, she had stuck with her convictions and decided that they weren’t worth the truth. “I get that it’s a shock for everyone who knew me from before to see that… I never really showed you guys how much I love those cool, long coat wearing, boot stomping, weapon wielding, badasses like in Aeon Flux, Resident Evil and Underworld.” Alana sighed. “No, I knew how much you love them… You showed everyone that by dressing up as Black Widow at that Marvel Exhibition in High School… It just never occurred to me that you would actually turn into one of them.” Nathaniel grinned. “My transformation didn’t shock Viktor and Rini… Then again, they ARE my best friends and have known me the longest….” She commented. “Did they expect it?” Nathaniel asked. “No, but it was a bit easier for them to accept.” She replied. He kissed her forehead. “I can probably guarantee that they had trouble accepting it. They probably talked to your family and had a better support system than the rest of us.”

After a few minutes of Nathaniel holding her, Alana sighed. “I still don’t want to forgive them.” “You don’t have to. Alana, you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do. You told me that Armin has even stopped trying to get you to talk to his brother, so the fact that Alexy’s boyfriend has done this only proves his naivety.” He cooed. “I’m still upset…. They claimed to be my best friends, and yet they did all this, all while my ACTUAL best friends are genuinely helpful. The only problems that I have with Viktor and Severina are their fathers, and Viktor’s jealousy towards you.” She stated. “Why do you hate their fathers? And why, after all this time, is Viktor still jealous of me?” He asked. Alana went on to explain the events pertaining to the Chevalier incident, her suspicions that Achille Mekina had something to do with inciting it and the fact that Viktor still loves her, despite knowing full well that he will never be with her again. Nathaniel sat there, shocked. “He really waved a gun at you?!” He blurted out, angrily. “Calm down. He didn’t shoot…. As it is, I’m starting to wonder if his mentality was caused my another factor…” She pondered. “What do you mean?” He asked. “It’s a lot of bullshit… Achille has been acting like more of an entitled asshole lately. Viktor and Edgard have been developing a sickness that is quite odd… So, whenever I’ve been visiting Rini, I’ve been investigating her father.” She explained. “You think he’s behind this?” Nathaniel asked. “I think it’s a good possibility.” She replied. “Are you gonna get the organization involved?” He asked. She shook her head. “Only for resources and if I need to wield my power. Other than that, Severina, Verity, Viktor and Edgard will have to deal with him in their own way.” She sighed. “You’re really not going to handle it for them?” He raised an eyebrow. “I want to. Trust me, I do. But you and I both know that if I do everything for them, they won’t learn to take care of themselves. Not to mention how they’ll thank me for doing it, then give me those big “sad eyes” and tell me how I need to save myself and stop saving the world. It’s best to just do as much as I can while I allow myself to rest on that front….” She explained.

After several more minutes of talking, Nathaniel changed into his normal clothes. “Are you making progress with your situation?” Alana asked. “Its slow, but the officer I’m working with is doing everything he can to help me.” He replied. “I hope you know, I’ve already put my backup plan in to place. The Red Death has approved of it, and should anything happen to you, we will take over your situation.” She asserted. He looked at her shocked. “Already?” He asked. “Yes. It wasn’t that hard. It was simply a contingency that could be added to Protocol 216.” She stated. “Are you ever going to tell me what Protocol 216 is?” He asked. “Only after its been implemented. Until then, it’s best if you just know that it involves you, and gives you access to the Black Tower.” She explained. “Alana, why can’t I know now?” He asked. “Because you’re still involved with that cartel. Technically speaking, you’re a loose end. You may be important to me, which makes you important to the organization, but, if the cartel finds out the gravity of that fact before we’re ready for them to know, then it will make things more complicated for all of us… So, its best to wait until you’ve either gotten yourself out of it, or until we take over.” She admitted. “Oh.” He looked down. “Look, love, there are a lot of things that its best if you don’t know for now. As it is, you already have sensitive information inside your head.” She added. “Are you really threatened by them?” Nathaniel asked. “Not really. But, I have to think of every possibility of what could happen. One of those possibilities is that they could use you to get to me. We don’t need that happening.” She replied. Nathaniel looked down, a wave of shame crossing his face. “So, I’m putting you at risk.” He muttered. Alana shook her head. “Don’t think of it like that. There are plenty of things put into place for what happens if people come after me. They typically don’t survive long…” She assured. “Really?” He asked. “You think I got to where I am without making a few enemies? A bunch of people have tried to kill me. They were swiftly dealt with.” She explained.

About an hour of discussion and explanation later, they decided to go out to eat. As they waited for their food, Alana couldn’t help but think about what was going on with Alexy and Rosalaya. Her brain refused to truly leave the matter alone. It was eating away at her. “Nath, I can’t get over it. They were supposed to be my friends… Yet, they abandon me, pour drinks down my throat, negate Lysander and Armin, try to coerce me to be with that waiter from the Cozy Bear, leave you without a support system, and try to turn me against you.” She rambled. “Alana, it is okay if you don’t want to be their friend anymore. The only ones who will judge you will be them, and clearly Alexy’s boyfriend.” Nathaniel took her hand and held it, gently as he spoke. She looked at him and thought for a bit. She knew that he knew what was going through her head… The same thing that she had talked to him at the gym about. She thought to what her other friends had said about the situation. “What cunts! Kick those sad little bitches to the curb! You know who your real friends are!” Derek had boomed. “After all they’ve done and refused to do? Yeah, they’re not your friends.” Lyra had remarked. “Don’t give them the time of day, Mels. They’re not worth it.” Severina had huffed. “They don’t deserve you.” Viktor had shot. Armin was disappointed but not surprised when she had told him of his brother’s conduct. “If you really feel like it’s detrimental that you remain friends with him, then maybe you should cut ties. I can’t deny that they abandoned you.” He had said. Of course, Priya wanted her to give them another chance, and was fully intent on scolding her, until Castiel stopped it. “Do you really expect her forgive them? Do you not remember her telling us that they weren’t talking to her when she was in Toronto? Do you not remember how she was asking us what she did wrong?” He had asked Priya. “I remember. But…” Priya had begun. “No “buts” Priya. This is her choice. If she doesn’t want to forgive them, then we shouldn’t judge her for it.” He had cut her off. Alana knew she was still upset with Castiel for what he had done in his apartment, but she was grateful that he was defending her. Even her mother and sister were disgusted. “If they’re not worth your time, then they’re not worth ours. I hated how Alexy wouldn’t leave Ken’s ass alone anyway.” Sam had remarked. Most everyone she loved and cared about were all saying the same thing. She knew they were right, and that this was her choice. No matter how it made her feel in the short term, she knew it would make her feel better in the long run. Her mind then turned to what had happened at the beach. She remembered the fury she felt as she slapped Rosalaya. The hatred she felt in that moment. It all came rushing back to her in a wave of resentment. Alana looked up at Nathaniel and noticed the plates of food in front of them. “Nath! I’m so sorry!” she blurted out. “It’s fine. It’s a good thing I know what you like… The waitress was worried when I ordered for you.” He smiled. “I love you.” She beamed.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Nathaniel asked as they got up from the table, and dumped their trash. “Yes please, but keep a safe distance. I don’t want them pulling you into something that they should know is my choice.” She replied. “Okay.” He smiled. As they walked towards Leigh’s shop, she explained what she was so focused on at the restaurant. Nathaniel clenched his fists when Castiel’s name came up, but she reassured him that she was still mad at him for what he had been pulling, although, she was happy for his defense. “Priya, always so self righteous.” He commented. “It’s okay. She’s easy to handle.” She sighed. He laughed when she brought up what her family had said. “I knew Sam didn’t like what Alexy was pulling, but I didn’t know she hated it to this extent!” he chuckled. “Yeah, even mom is upset with them.” She replied. When they got to Leigh’s shop, the sign was turned to “CLOSED” and they noticed that Leigh, Rosalaya, Alexy, Morgan and Rayan were talking casually. “Was not expecting this level of audience.” Alana muttered. “You can do this.” Nathaniel whispered in her ear.

“I’m sorry, but the shop is closed.” Leigh called as the door opened. “I’d say I’m sorry for barging in, Leigh, but that would be a lie. This is important and needs to be taken care of immediately.” Alana announced as she walked up to them. Nathaniel leaned against the doorway. Morgan looked at her and smiled, hopefully. “You might wanna go ahead and wipe that smile off of your face.” She shot at him. “Alana? What’s the meaning of this?” Rayan asked. “I see you’ve had time to think about what we discussed.” Morgan commented. Alexy and Rosalaya looked at her, a flicker of hope flashing over them. Alana stood firm in a position facing Alexy and Rosalaya. She looked at them solemnly. “What I am about to begin saying is a monologue, not a dialogue. So, no one will speak until I am done. Is that clear?” She started. “But, Alana…” Alexy began. “I SAID, IS THAT CLEAR?!” Her voice boomed. “Crystal.” Rosalaya began to shake. Alexy nodded. “I was not expecting a lecture and pleas for me to forgive you from Morgan. Perhaps my perception has deteriorated a bit since my return. I thought that, when he asked me to study, the conversation would be a lot more simplistic. Go figure, someone who is connected to you that actually asks for my attention wants me to do something for you. At least Armin and Leigh have gotten the hints. Then again, they know the biggest reasons why you two are recipients of my ire. They may not like it, but they understand it. Hell, even Lysander understands it. The past few months, I’ve wracked my brain over this situation. I begged and pleaded for your attention when mom and I were in Toronto. I contacted Leigh and Armin, asking them what I did wrong to make you two stop talking to me and they came up empty handed. I called, texted, tried to video chat, and got nothing. I even asked Lysander, Castiel, and Priya and they came up short. I had just lost Sylvester, I was in a constant state of fear of losing my mom, I had pressure from mom’s doctors and Carol, and I was alone in a foreign country half way around the world. Yes, I had everyone else, but I wanted to talk to you two. And what did you do? You abandoned me. You know? At least Castiel did his damnedest to try to keep up with me when mom had to relay information between the rest of the world and me. At least Lysander knew I still cared when I had the family get flowers and food to his and Leigh’s parents’ funeral. Sure, I couldn’t be there, but I did my best to make sure they knew I was there for them in some way. What did you two do? Essentially, you acted as if I had already died and you forgot about me… That is, until I returned. When it was made known that I was coming back here, you two popped up and acted like nothing had changed… Despite everything having changed. I get home and you two started pouring drinks down my throat, trying to set me up with Hyun, wanted me to get in on your crazy schemes and let me know that you completely disregarded the ONE THING that I had asked you to do when I first left! You not only abandoned me, you turned your backs on Nathaniel! Then you had the AUDACITY to try to turn me against him! You told me “he’s dangerous”, and to not worry about him. Even AFTER I told you that he’s a primary reason why I even came back in the first place! I made it very clear that I am one of the most dangerous things in this world, and you two still treated me like I’m some frail little princess. I KNOW what Nathaniel is a part of! And trust me, it wouldn’t take much for me to extinguish it! Literally, just a handful of orders! I thought I was done with this decision when I bitch slapped Rosalaya at the beach… But, apparently not. Between Morgan judging me and trying to guilt trip me into reconciling with you two, and my own brain trying to get to me, it’s eaten me alive. However, every time I talk to someone about it, they all say the same thing… That I don’t have to be friends with you two. Almost everyone else I care about agrees that you’ve been shit excuses for friends and that what you’ve done shouldn’t be forgiven. And it’s been solidified in my head and heart that I agree with that. You don’t deserve my forgiveness, and you sure as hell don’t deserve my friendship. After this, there will be no more confusion. You two are not my friends anymore.” Alana spoke with absolute conviction.

Alexy, Rosalaya, and Morgan looked at Alana, shocked. Rayan looked a bit surprised and Leigh looked disappointed but not surprised. “Alana! We’re supposed to be friends!” Alexy bleated. Anger flashed over Alana’s face. “That’s right! We’re SUPPOSED to be friends! But, when I was doing everything in my power to reach out when I was at my weakest points, you two turned your backs on me! When I was crying out and trying to get to you, you ignored me! When I came home, you rejected my requests and treated me like a pawn! THAT IS NOT HOW FRIENDS ACT!” She boomed. “But Alana we…” Rosalaya started. Alana turned to Rosalaya. “Don’t get me started on YOU! You go around acting like you’re everyone’s “mommy” all the time, telling them what to do with their lives, yet the only thing you’ve ever truly done to get what you have is be with Leigh all this time… And guess what? Did you forget that, not long after I enrolled in Sweet Amoris, you begged me to help you with him because you two were on the rocks? Yes, I feel sorry for the reason why you were in the hospital recently. I would only wish that on someone as a mercy for the innocent child who shouldn’t have to put up with shit parents. But that’s no excuse for how you’ve acted! You know what I’ve done to get everything I have? I’ve bled, sweated, cried, nearly died multiple times and have worked extremely hard. I have put in the effort! Hell, I’m still putting in the effort to get what I want! I train, go to therapy, work on documents and my “peacetime job”, try to hang out with friends, work on my connections, go to school, and give Nathaniel my attention. I MAKE AN EFFORT! Hell, I even make sure to keep in contact with Lysander and Armin! Which is more than what either of you do!” Alana cut Rosalaya off. “Then why did you ask me about Lysander when you got back?” Rosalaya asked. “We all know he’d lose his own head if it wasn’t attached. He hadn’t responded to my letters and texts in a couple of weeks and I figured that, since you’re gonna be his sister-in-law, you’d know something. But, no! You only ever told me to “forget about him”! Wow, you must REALLY love Leigh if you’re willing to disregard his little brother like that! The guy got into a car accident, got temporary amnesia, lost his parents, and took over his family’s farm and you just go out and tell people to forget about him? Then again, that’s how you are. You claim to be this “kind, sensible, compassionate, woman”, but in all actuality, you’re none of those things… You act that way to the outside world, but its easy to tell that you’re only, truly, like that to Leigh. What makes this even sadder is that, when I first knew you, you really were a “kind, sensible, compassionate, woman”. You were more mature than me at the time. You really were the “mom” of the group. But, between then and now, something has turned off. You’re more preachy, more hypocritical, more insufferable.” She then turned to Morgan. “You say that I’m a “good person”, but what you haven’t really gotten through your thick skull is that even good people have their limits. Please, take what I told you in your dorm to heart.” She sighed.

As she began to walk away, both Alexy and Rosalaya stepped forward. “Alana, please don’t do this.” Alexy’s voice cracked. “Please.” Rosalaya pleaded as she reached for Alana’s hand. “I judged people guilty and watched Derek execute them for much greater crimes who have pleaded for forgiveness much more convincingly than you. They offered me money, power, and other items in an effort to save their own skin. I have watched them bleed, sweat and cry as they even began to ask their gods for forgiveness and to be spared. Your lives may not be on the line, but you are still not begging me to forgive you in any way that sounds like you’re remotely sorry for what you’ve done. You show no remorse. And that makes this much easier… I will never forgive you. I will never be your friend again. Your existence in my life these past few months is a stain that only time will wash out.” Alana jerked away and looked at them, angrily. Alexy and Rosalaya stood back, their hands still slightly reaching out. Alana turned away and walked towards the door. “Let’s go Nathaniel, we’re done here.”

As the shop doors closed behind them, Alana felt a wave of relief wash over her. “You really shouldn’t have done that.” her subconscious tried to tell her. She looked at Nathaniel. “I did the right thing.” She stated. “How do you feel?” He asked. “Do you remember how, when I found you on the stairs at the beach, I said that I had performed “small surgery”? Well, this feels like I just cut out two tumors out of me. And, honestly, even though part of my subconscious is upset that I did that, I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off of me.” She explained. “I never thought I’d see the day where you’d do this.” He sighed. She looked at him and sighed. “There’s a lot of things I’ve done and am doing that you never thought you’d see. But here’s the thing… For years, everyone has made expectations for what I should do, how I should act, and who I keep in contact with… At this point, I’m ready to throw those expectations out the window. I need to. Not doing so will be detrimental to me. I need to start doing what I want, when I want, and with who I want. While I have been working towards that for nearly a year now, I’m not to where I need to be. Formally cutting ties with Alexy and Rosalaya is a big step in the right direction.”

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I was actually quite torn about writing this one... I was torn simply between having her go to the Gym and confide in Nathaniel or go to the Break Room and having her confide in Rayan. But, as Nathaniel is one of the only people outside the Tower that she is the most open with, I thought it would be best to have her talk to her one true love.

This also closes the door that is opened in Study Session. I was going to give Alexy and Rosalaya a chance to reenter Alana’s life, but then I decided that it would be better for her to completely shut that down.

Timeline wise, I’ve decided that this takes place in between Episode 10 and Episode 14. I know, this is a lot of dialogue and little actual action.... But, I had a lot to cover here. 

[bookandcover]

This was an absolutely beautiful novel with a subtle allure that will linger in my mind for a long time. I love Miller’s writing style, which seems to pay homage to the Classics she loves and studies in depth. 

It’s rare to meet a main character who is immortal, but here we have Circe, side figure in The Odyssey where she is painted primarily as a villain, born of an ancient god and a river nymph, yet living alone and on the fringes of the social stratification among humans and gods—a situation which, Miller must have intuited, bespeaks a woman who has not conformed to society’s expectations for her, the quintessential “witch.” What could growth of character within the experience of immortality possibly look like? This seems to me to present a real literary challenge, as so many books rely on character development, a change in the protagonist from beginning to end. Why would someone who is immortal grow or change? Why would their life play out with any type of directionality or plot arc? 

I realized these problems with an immortal heroine part way through the book and started to ask how the structure of a novel could be forced onto the life of an immortal. How could Miller’s novel end? What makes the conflict and the resolution when the novel started with her birth? If Circe lives on and on, what might tell us that some part of her story has arrived at an ending? 

These questions get brilliantly answered as (spoiler!!) Circle chooses mortality. In the process of the protagonist making this choice, the book poignantly reflects on what gives life meaning. Is immortality meaningless, when we have no motivation for growth and no motivation for life itself, as each day, each forever, we could do and try anything, ad infinitum? Is it our mortality, and our awareness of it, that makes any moment meaningful and life-changing? The meaning-making power of mortality is something Circe sees, and longs for herself, in observing the mortal lives around her. But it takes her falling in love with a mortal—Telemachus, strangely the son of her once-lover Odysseus—to make the final change in her, to bring about her own mortality through her magic. Circe’s relationships with both Odysseus and Telemachus capture the strangeness of immortality, as she is able to experience the lives and love of both men in a kind of stasis, while they change and age. Yet, Circe herself is changing internally and she is changed by each of her lovers. She is different when she loves Telemachus, softer and more open, although, in part, this must be Telemachus’s goodness to which she responds. 

This book was incredibly satisfying, but also challenging (i.e. I didn’t always agree) in its re-characterization of familiar characters. Odysseus, who I kind of dislike in the original source text (sure, he wants to go home, but he also seems to be really “out there for the adventure”), was characterized according to his most epithet-worthy traits, a man so twisted by his own mind’s machinations that he doesn’t have much space for kindness or for receiving other people as people (this characterization seems pretty accurate to the original text). He’s also strongly associated with his true love for Penelope, a love he speaks about and references, but that seems strangely performative here (particularly as he falls willingly into Circe’s bed). I actually think Odysseus of the original text seems more likable, more loyal when compared to this portrait of him. I think he was characterized as too likable, too charged with uniqueness, in the middle part of this book when he’s first introduced, and while I felt weird about his affair with Circe, his preciousness is later dramatically challenged via the viewpoints of his sons. Telemachus, much gentler than Odysseus, is haunted by the murders he committed, on his father’s orders, of the maids Penelope’s suitors took for lovers during their sojourn in the palace. Circe’s son Telegonus is drawn to Odysseus and longs to go him, leaving Circe in order to go to Ithaca, only to accidentally kill the king with the weapon he’d brought with him (the string ray tail of Trigon given to him by Circe as a form of protection) when the king of Ithaca’s tries to seize it from his son who he will not listen to. We also see the ending of The Odyssey when Odysseus returns home and destroys the suitors through Telemachus’s eyes, the shocking changes in Odysseus, mad with suspicion, who is willing to eliminate all the nobility of his island country who have tried to usurp his place in his long absence. 

I really love both Telemachus and Penelope in the original, and Telemachus offers, in so many ways, the counter-point to his father’s harshness and objectivity, both in The Odyssey and in Miller’s novel. Is Telemachus the man who modern readers will feel most drawn to in The Odyssey (I felt this, and would theorize that his virtues are widely appreciated)? Does his popularity—and the, therefore, fitting choice to have him be the real romantic love interest in Miller’s novel—reflect changing standards of masculinity with culture and time (is Telemachus admired in time periods later than that of pillaging Greece?) or a change in The Odyssey’s readership, as Telemachus appeals to female readers who once wouldn’t have consumed any reading, and especially classical reading, at a high volume? Selecting Telemachus, the ideal man, to play the romantic lead seems like a smart update of this text for the 21st Century audience. 

        This is my son, mine own Telemachus, To whom I leave the sceptre and the isle,— Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfil This labour, by slow prudence to make mild A rugged people, and thro' soft degrees Subdue them to the useful and the good. Most blameless is he, centred in the sphere Of common duties, decent not to fail In offices of tenderness, and pay Meet adoration to my household gods, When I am gone. He works his work, I mine.

~an excerpt from Ulysses by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Miller’s novel reminded me, though, of how much more I adore The Iliad than The Odyssey, and examining the casting of Telemachus as the ultimate love interest over Odysseus, Hermes, and Daedalus, reminded me of the character that I’ve seen modern audiences most deeply adore: Hector. Several years ago, my new co-worker and I bonded over reading a student’s personal statement for college that was all about his love for Hector from The Iliad. This moment felt like joining a secret club of people who inherently understood each other, who felt some deep recognition of each other, who felt seen, because we loved and treasured Hector. “Hector, am I right?” “YES. Hector.” Hector was something beyond any words we had to explain him. We just GOT IT. I loved seeing a 17-year-old boy from Beijing, China read The Iliad and be like “HECTOR THOUGH” to me and to his other teacher. Hector is the softer counter-point to Achilles in The Iliad, the family-man, the son, the brother, the golden Prince of Troy. He is steadfast beside Paris’s ridiculousness. He’s the son for whom his old father will risk his life to reclaim his body. He’s the nearly unbeatable warrior who also gets the most touching of moments, gently holding his toddler, speaking with his clever wife. This is the man across Homer’s two books who was, for me, the most modern-day ideal. Maybe Hector has to remain, though, for all of us, shared among our common imaginations. Telemachus, it was fine if Circe claimed him. 

Circe, at the beginning of the novel, is not a likable heroine. She’s clueless, bumbling, not attentive to way she’s being used by others. She doesn’t seem to have a lot of backbone. Yet, I was astonished at how much she changed and how beautifully wrought the gradual changes in her were. As she grows in independence, she grows immensely in likability. Although she has a happy ending with Telemachus, this love story somehow never felt inevitable. The different men she loves are part of her story. Yes, she is shaped by them, as she is shaped by her friendships, her rivalries, her relationships with her horrifying siblings. But the story is all about her. Circe is the center and her experiences with lovers shape her and her growth; she is not a side character in someone else’s story, bending to support them. She does change her immortality in response to love (in the sense of trying to fit herself to what someone else expects), but she brings about this change through her own power and strength of will. I can’t explain this right, but it’s true: it feels like a revolutionary notion that an independent woman be the main character and the story be just her story: the things she goes through on her own, with others, others passing through her life, her thoughts and feelings, her sequence of growth. It doesn’t sound revolutionary because we see female protagonists maybe 50% of the time these days across many genres (how far we’ve come!) yet how often do we see love interests exist in plots not to further the love itself (not to be arrived at, as a happy end point, a relationship, a marriage), but to further the growth of the female protagonist? Men, somehow, get to be the center of their own stories. Women, do they really get to have this? To be just THEM, and not be playing any role within society or within a family? Circe’s story arc made me SEE her as the main character in a way that somehow far too many female-led narratives utterly miss. 

I realized, for the first time (which is frankly alarming), while reading this book that because Ithaca (New York, in my case) is my birthplace, I ought to feel a strange affinity for Odysseus. Ithaca is home. It has a mythic quality. I’ve lived in a lot of places. I’ve traveled a lot. I’ve seen things, people, landscapes, creatures beyond what I could have imagined. My life has been my own odyssey, and I’ve left Ithaca far behind. Unlike Odysseus, I’m not trying to go back. The world out here is full of adventures. 

[booksandwords]

Autoboyography by Christina Lauren

Read time: 2 Days Rating: 4/5

The quote: This is how we reveal ourselves: these tiny flashes of discomfort, the reactions we can’t hide. — Tanner Scott

Autoboyography is a wonderful book that enjoys a lot of praise. I really enjoyed it. This review ended up being quite lengthy. I have chosen to focus largely on the characters of Autoboyography which I really appreciated. This is a well thought out and designed story, intended to provoke thought in readers. Not just about religion and relationships but maybe about themselves a bit. It deals with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints referred to as LDS with at least some dignity, more than is normal.

The opening is great, a walk through the relevant parts of Tanner's life and clarification on the LDS. Some stereotypes are displayed, these are still high school students. The LDS we all think of are those on their Mission. The pacing of the plot is at least reasonable, it fits the relationship. Especially after the line "You've always led with your heart first and your heart second, but I need you to think about this one." (Jenna to Tanner, p 100). There are a couple of moments that are questionable. A convenient change in the enrolment numbers for the Seminar (14 to 15), one frequently mentioned moments comes to nothing. The plot is described as Tanner falling in love with Sebastian, which just feels right it really is that simple and that complicated. The ending feels right. An HFN was almost certain but it was the journey that I was unsure of and really enjoyed.

Characters are multidimensional and of their circumstances. With Emily and Jenna wholly distrustful to the point of nearly hating LDS due to their previous experiences with it. Paul knows what could have been and knows the situation his son his in, as well as his familial history having a role to play. Due to the differences between the families, Tanner and Sebastian don't face the same concerns or restrictions within their relationship, though both have the same source to a degree. Tanner's family objects to Sebastian's religion. Sebastian's family stringently objects to same-sex relationships. Autoboyography is one of those books that shows love in multiple forms. Familial, in different forms. Romantic between the protagonists, it's complicated and messy. Platonic between friends and unrequited love as well. Autoboyography has some wonderful quotes about love, faith, family and friendship.

Tanner 'Tann' Scott is a bi, senior and transplant to Provo, Utah from Palo Alto, California, a move that put him firmly back in the closet. Even his best friend, the brilliant Autumn doesn't know his true sexuality. His parents are extremely supportive of his sexuality but don't want him to get hurt in the very Mormon town he now lives in. His subject strengths are in the math/science stream. he's an honors student essentially with his pick of universities. After accepting a challenge to join the Seminar, a semester-long book writing course he is introduced to local celebrity Sebastian Brother. Tann's attraction to Sebastian is instantaneous  "His smile ruins me." (Tanner, p 22) which is a great line, I remember being bowled over like that. His fast movement from infatuation to love is interesting to read. Tanner is helpless to resist even though he knows he should (Sebastian is in the same position there). His coping mechanisms are sometimes healthy, sometimes destructive, reading both in the same character added a great depth. I quite like Tanner, because of how this book his written I could feel his anger and pain.

Sebastian 'Seb' Brother is a published author tutoring the Seminar Tan is in. After the semester is over he goes on book tour than on his two year Mission. While he is attracted to men, he doesn't identify as gay. His father is the local Bishop as such his family are expected to lead by example in both word and deed. Seb's family are very welcoming and accepting of Tann when they meet him. Sebastian's experimentation and reluctance to label (and hair-splitting) were extremely off-putting. I've been known to DNF a book for less, despite what I said earlier, that was more about Tann's reaction rather than Seb's choices. "I'm not gay, I'm not straight, I'm me" (Sebastian, p 224). The very thing that makes him off-putting makes him a great character, it's the circumstances and expectation (familial and communal) that make the person. He also has a hidden passion that is shown only at the right times but it was definitely needed, and it, not a small streak either.

In the support cast, there is a standout. Auddy. Autumn Summer Green. Tann's best friend, she is ride or die but with a complication. Those unhealthy coping mechanisms I was mentioning, they relate to her. My one question about her is how can she be so beautiful and accepting of everything that happens? It's not passivity she's just a really well written best friend. But Tann's family are great. There is a lot going on there. Full acceptance of Tann's sexuality, but wanting to protect him from the pain they experienced. "How would this be any different from his parents saying guys are off-limits?" "It's completely different. Among a hundred other reasons, going to church is a choice.. Being bisexual is simply who you are I'm protecting you from the toxic messages of the church." (Tanner and Jenna, p 99).

One of the minor problematic elements in Autoboyography is a sense of abuse between Tanner and Sebastian. It's psychological, not physical and it called out but not in words. Some people won't have an issue with it due to the context but I did. Your identity is your own if Sebastian (or a real-life person) wants to live their life according to a religious doctrine rather that is their prerogative. There is of course the larger issues of homophobia. The LDS elements may be an issue for some readers. It is core to the plot and cannot be ignored. Those with a particular issue or history with such religions/ doctrines/ cults should read with care. I make no judgements on organised religion here.

Reading the acknowledgements I read something interesting. "We started talking about this book years ago; Cristina worked in a junior high counselling office in Utah, and Saw teen after teen coming through who honestly believed, devastatingly, that their parents would probably rather have a dead child than a gay one. As a woman who grew up bi in the queer-friendly world of the Bay-Area, Lauren felt a social obligation to reach out to teens whose experiences weren't as easy". I like that this is where Autoboyography came from. Built on their experiences with at-risk teens. Given this was the source of the idea I love the inclusion a resource section. The Song of Achilles is entirely unsurprisingly, it is hugely popular and stunning. Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe has been on my tbr for far too long. The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert is an absolute classic and is also a brilliant stage musical. LGBTQ Reads I'd never heard of but it's really good. If I may add my own recommendations; The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee (it's my purple pride book) and Cemetry Boys by Aiden Thomas (own voice Trans POC).

[c-is-for-circinate]

So as close as I am to fully escaping Hades for the first time, I figure I might take this opportunity to write down a couple of things I'm scared of from this ending. The story is so good so far! But I have seen good stories before! And there are patterns, right, patterns it's so easy for even good stories to fall into, so yeah, I have fears, and they mostly come down to Hades himself.

(Yep, this one got long again! People seem to be enjoying my game-reaction rambles, so, for your enjoyment under the cut: themes of separation and reunion, predictions for what Zagreus is the god of, and a whole lot of discussion of familial abuse dynamics, how they're depicted in fiction, and the work it takes to change them in real life. Stay warned! Stay safe!)

(ALSO, I still haven't made it past the first couple of chambers in the Temple of Styx, so no spoilers in the reblogs/comments please! Yes, even though the whole post is me going on about predictions and hopes and concerns about the path the story might take. I WILL GET THERE SOON.)

It has been really interesting watching some of the stuff the game is doing with themes of parting and reunion, and how that corresponds to life and death. So many of our social links are about reuniting estranged loved ones: Chaos and Nyx, Eurydice and Orpheus, Patroclus and Achilles. Hades is estranged from Olympus, Persephone left. And every time we leave, or try to leave, it is both an attempt at a parting (and Meg and Than are so hurt by that goodbye, or lack thereof) and an attempt at a reunion with our mother. Every time we die it's a reunion, every time we die it's fun, it's great, we get to go back home and check in with all of our friends and be impressed by whoever made Employee Of The [Timeperiod] and sell fish to the cook and put down yet more rugs. (My Zagreus has something of a rug addiction. What can you do.)

It's at the point where I feel pretty secure in stating that Zagreus is going to discover eventually that he is both life/death/rebirth god, and god of partings and reunions. Both halves of both of those things. People leave each other when they die and re-find their loved ones in death; you go away from one group of people to come back to another; you have to depart to return, and I really think that's where we're going to end up with Zagreus. He's going to reunite his various friends with their loved ones, he's probably going to restore communications between Hades and Olympus and even Persephone, he's going to reunite with his mom, and he's going to come back to the Underworld before he leaves to see everyone up top all over again. And of course the vehicle for all of this coming and going is death, because death is the ultimate departure and reuniter. (This is absolutely a religious concept containing a whole bunch of "oh hey our culture has a lot of Christian influence, doesn't it", Greek trappings aside, but that's fine, it's a game made in 2018 not 300 BC, these things happen. They keep calling the Underworld 'hell' and 'infernal'. It's all good.) Of course he's a cthonic god. Of course he bleeds, because you have to bleed in order to die, and Zagreus has to die again and again and again. That's his whole thing.

Thing is, though, looking at those themes, I am also continually aware of the fact that some partings are for a really good reason. Some partings should not end in reunion.

Yes, of course this is about Hades the abusive dad. I have been talking about Hades the abusive dad basically non-stop since I started playing this game, where did you think this post was going.

There are a few things I'm nervous about, separate but related, and at the core it all comes down to, I'm not okay with it if we learn why Hades got to be this way, and Zagreus forgives him as we-the-audience are meant to do, and Hades promises to do better, and nothing concrete about the situation is forced to change. Actual, meaningful, practical, logistical, non-hypothetical non-metaphorical change, not just for Zagreus but for Hades himself.

Because I know how this story tends to go, in fiction. Fictional abusive parents (especially in fantasy/sci-fi stories) tend to come in two types: 'coerced their offspring into actual murder with a side of physical abuse and optional unethical lab experimentation', or 'this was here to create character conflict, we didn't mean for it to read as actually abusive, this parent just has flaws to make them a good character, we swear!' Hades isn't the first type--we have never once seen Hades strike his son, or anybody, or even come out from behind his desk--which means that the fear is, always, always, in every piece of fiction, that he's the second. That the writers are going to decide that the right response to his abuses is remorse, forgiveness, and one really good conversation. That they don't realize it's abuse in the first place.

And, like. They have to know, right? They have to. They can't have done this by accident. (Sometimes, writers get so close by accident.) They can't have done so well at drawing out this situation simply by going, 'well, people are meant to fear this god, so they'd probably react like this, and I guess based on what I've seen in other stories or vague acquaintances they'd then do this,' and never put the name on the situation. Every single time we leave to the tune of a Hades word-flash, he's being dismissive, insulting, and sometimes downright cruel. He is cruel. They have to know!!!

But oh boy have I been consuming media for a lot of years, and oh boy have I run into a lot of writers who don't know.

Reconciliation is such a loaded word, but stories about dysfunctional families really do love it. Stories based around themes of reunion are primed for it. And of course, it's nice, it ties a happy ending off with a sweet little bow, everyone gets to be with the people they love and the family is safe and nobody gets hurt, but so rarely have I seen stories that show the actual work required to rebuild those relationships in a realistic or meaningful way. So rarely do stories trying to build that happy ending actually let the victim of abuse set and maintain boundaries. The character never gets to actually just cut the damn ties to the thing that hurt them. The character so rarely even gets to be safe.

And it's so hard in this game specifically, because "THERE IS NO ESCAPE", because every single thing about this game says that the story's not over when Zagreus gets to the surface, that no matter what he's going to have to come back. It's so hard, because this is a game about reunions. I am not going to get an ending where the abused kid trying to flee his toxic home and abusive dad actually gets to leave and stay gone, not in this one. And that hurts (I have watched and supported and done my best to help multiple real-life friends get the fuck out of homes like that, and stay gone, I have seen how hard it is, how complicated, how awful, and there are never stories for that), but I can live with it, if I get an ending where Zagreus is at least safe. Where things change. Where they really change.

Which is why I need actual, concrete, material changes in the logistics and power structure of the Underworld for this ending to be okay. Understanding why Hades is Like That doesn't cut it. Remorse doesn't cut it! Because look, even if Hades wants to do better, even if he admits he's at fault and tries to be better, he is still set up in a position as an all-powerful tyrant, and trying to become a better person is hard. There is nobody around who can keep him in check when he starts backsliding, which he will. Even if he doesn't want to, he will.

Because people are people, and it's really difficult to break patterns! Especially if everything around them stays the same. Hades is going to slip at some point, be cruel, be callous, be tyrannical, no matter how much of an effort he's making. Not to mention, it is STRESSFUL to face your own crimes and improve, it sucks, it feels bad. And what do habitual abusers do when they feel bad? What's the only coping mechanism Hades appears to have established for dealing with his own shit? That's right, it's inflicting suffering on everyone else around him. (This is why it doesn't really matter what circumstances drove Hades to act this way, why it can't matter--I believe that he is suffering, but he copes with that suffering by inflicting additional suffering on everyone around him, everyone who relies on him, and that's still true no matter what made him feel bad to begin with.) So then we just get a great old guilt-->lashing out-->more guilt-->more lashing out merry-go-round of abuse even as Hades is trying to change. That's how these things work. And yes, change is possible, improvement is absolutely possible, but the environment needs to change first. The system that enables and rewards Hades for acting this way can't stay in place. Things need to actually change, with people who are around to support Hades in his growth and also check his power, people who have power of their own to stop him. And however it happens, for this story with this protagonist with these goals to feel like a happy ending, Zagreus needs to be safe.

It would be okay, though a little disappointing, if those changes were mostly based in magic and fate and, idk, divine mind-control. (This story has been so grounded in actual human dynamics that a fantastical solution to a realistic problem would feel like a letdown, but if it actually solved the problem I'd be okay with it, more or less.) It would be okay, though a little disappointing, if the responsibility for bringing Hades to heel fell upon Zagreus and Persephone, if the two family members who he hurt badly enough that they felt the need to run away from him entirely now had to shoulder the burden of helping him fix himself. (There are definitely ways to write that dynamic better and ways to write it worse, and I think I trust these writers to land on the 'better' side of the scale, but I still don't love the implications.) I think I'd be pretty into it if Hades took a vacation off to Olympus to Work Out His Shit with his own family, while a coalition of Meg, Nyx, Thanatos, Zagreus, and Queen Persephone took over running the Underworld in his absence. I think we might end up getting some combination of those things. I'm hopeful. I think these writers might know what they've written. I think they might have a sense for what it'll take to fix.

But yeah, I'm nervous. (Nervous enough that I might switch to God Mode just to get through, combat has started getting really tedious instead of fun, I want to know what happens next, and this is a game and there is no shame in making it more fun for myself by making the boring parts a little quicker and easier.) I've seen so many stories go wrong. This one has done so much to earn my trust. We'll see if it breaks.

[spoppersonality]

SPOP Character Typing: Adora

ESTJ, 9w1, 953, so/sp

I’ve seen Adora typed as ESFJ and ENFJ, and I get why people don’t think she seems “hard” enough to be an extroverted thinking dominant type. But I think this is exactly the kind of mistype that happens when people don’t know Enneagram. Adora is an interesting mix because she has a super soft Enneagram core type and a harder “take-charge” MBTI type.

So, let’s get into that.

MBTI: ESTJ

I think what people forget when they type Adora as an extroverted feeling dominant type, is how incredibly personal and tactful Fe-doms are. (On a good day, anyway.) Adora, however, tends to be more impersonal and straight-to-the-point. Te-doms can also come off as people-oriented, that is not exclusive to Fe-doms, but they go about it differently. There is an Fe-dom in the Best Friends Squad, but that is not Adora.

If you think about it, Adora is a very classic Te-Si type. She likes rules and has a natural inclination towards implementing those rules in a very practical, hands-on type of manner. She’s very action oriented. She sees what needs to be done, and does it. ESTJs are highly effective in the sense that they don’t often stop to ask as much questions as some other types. They go about things based on what gets them from point A to point B, and what has worked in the past, or how they are used to doing things. They can also get quite hooked in moving from one plateau to the next in a routinely manner. This can often be how ESTJs go through life, if they don’t stop to think about why they are doing what they are doing, and specifically what personal values drive their actions. No wonder ESTJs are generally the jockiest jocks to ever jock.

Being a Te-dom doesn’t mean you’re not empathetic. Adora definitely is. It just means that you primarily show it through action. If a friend cries, for an Fe-dom the most natural course of action may be to sit with them and listen, and for a Te-dom it might be eliminating the reason for the crying. This is overly simplified of course, and real people as well as good fictional characters are multifaceted, but you get the idea. This is how Adora most often works. It’s not: “Catra, I can see something is bothering you, do you want to talk about it?” It’s: “Let’s take a skiff for a ride to cheer you up.”

Adora can also be quite funny in a random seeming way, which is due to her tertiary extroverted intuition. ESTJs and ESFJs (tert Ne-types) are often one of the most hilarious people alive, because they like to use their extroverted intuition in tandem with their dominant function. The level of control they have over it isn’t often that great, so it comes off as child-like randomness. Their first two functions lead them towards order and predictability, but when Ne comes into play and they venture out of their usual habits, they may surprise you. The results might be unpredictable: Turns out licking sand didn’t work for Adora but with the help of her friends she managed to play Double Trouble’s game nicely.

In general ESTJs are not in their comfort zone with Ne-type of creativity or innovation but they are not hopeless with it. Adora struggles with the more unpredictable qualities of her sword, like turning it into different objects. She doesn’t use that quality too often and doesn’t have too much variety when she does. While Adora’s first instinct is to simply charge ahead, someone with high Ne would’ve been likely to utilize the flexible qualities of the sword to the max. But Adora can still manage it, her Ne isn’t low enough to be considered her Achille’s heel. She takes a bit of time with it but eventually comes up with solutions that work, such as carrying her sword as a bracelet.

Introverted feeling is what Adora desperately needs in her life and has trouble figuring out. If you think about Fi-doms, they are people who spend a lot of time thinking about who they are, what they want, what they value, and their life builds around that. It’s their most natural state, thinking about whether or not everything they face is something they like/dislike, if it’s good/bad, right/wrong, desirable or not, them or not them.

This is what makes the planets align for an ESTJ. They neglect this function, and when they finally start developing it, the whole world is new for them. This is very literal in Adora’s case, it’s like Etheria’s magic is waking up with her introverted feeling. (Because when all your four functions finally align it IS magic.) That function, introverted feeling, is essentially where she keeps her love for Catra, or rather, it’s the function she needs to be able to make one person, whether it’s Catra or herself, a priority. Te is a rather utilitarian function, and since Adora leads with that and has internalized the belief that her desires don’t matter, there’s nothing in her dominant extroverted thinking process that would justify her “selfish” desires. Te cares about numbers, masses and large scale consequences. She needs Fi, the function that is all about individuality, and essentially yourself. We know how much it takes for that function to surface for her, but when it does, oh boy.

Enneagram

Core type: 9

As a type 9, Adora comes off as unassuming, warm and friendly. 9’s are all about forgiveness, self-neglect and acceptance.

9 is the most “traditionally selfless” type, because unlike Enneagram 2s for example, 9s don’t expect anything in return for what they give to others. Adora’s upbringing has magnified that quality in her (which was obviously very intentional from Shadow Weaver). 9s also have a natural tendency to ignore negative feelings, so they can keep feeling “okay” and unaffected by the external world. This quality makes 9s susceptible to staying in bad situations and bad relationships for a very long time, because they so persistently see the good in others. This is why it took Adora so long, and why she needed evidence that was impossible to ignore to realize that the Horde didn’t have a good cause. 9s are conflict-avoidant because they fear loss and separation above all. That’s why Adora too is such a people pleaser. She would rather live in “fake” harmony, than be the one to create conflict that causes emotional pain. Unfortunately, that’s exactly why 9s sometimes upset others. Like how Adora is unwilling to do anything that would get her on Shadow Weaver’s bad side, which hurts Catra. Or how she pretends to be the She-Ra Plumerians expect her to be so she wouldn’t disappoint them, which only leads her to disappoint them more later. It’s very classic 9 of her to let things develop to a point where everything comes crashing down before addressing the conflict she really needs to address. 9s tend to go with the flow, and sometimes too far.

One of the big things with 9s is that they lack a solid sense of self. They are out of touch with their needs, desires, and identity. Another thing that Shadow Weaver magnified in Adora. Basically, if you break a 9’s sense of self-worth far enough, they’ll become a blank canvas for others to write on, because they already believe they are somehow inherently “less” than others. They always assume to be the least important person in the room. As a 9, what being She-Ra essentially meant to Adora was being everyone else’s servant. For other types it would have meant different things, like to a type 4 it would have been about having personal significance in the world, and to a 3 it would have essentially been about being a celebrity. As a 9 Adora was also one of the most likely people to just roll with it. Like, if you threw something like that at a type 6, they would have most likely just bolted, and half of the storyline would’ve been about “I can’t/don’t want to do this!”. (=a tip for anyone who wants to write certain role swap AUs. ;D)

As a 9, Adora integrates to 3, so at her best mental state, she becomes driven, ambitious, present, and sees her value as a person. She’s no longer someone things happen to, but she’s the driving force in changing her life and the things around her. She disintegrates to 6, so in times of prolonged stress she can get easily irritable, pessimistic, and feel helpless.

Wing: 1

This is where Adora gets her grit, and the moralizing side to her character. Having a strong 1-wing definitely helped her survive in the Horde but it also frequently adds fuel to her self-sacrificing: it’s so easy to back up that 9 quality by telling herself it’s “the right thing to do”. The Right Thing is all 1 cares about. It also plays directly into her dominant Te tendency to follow rules, and makes her the typical “Lawful Good” type of person. Catra’s accusation that Adora “thinks she’s better than everyone” doesn’t miss the mark too far. Even though Adora isn’t a core 1, and as such her whole identity isn’t wrapped up in being morally superior, she does care about having integrity to a certain extend. So, maybe she doesn’t literally think she’s better than everyone, but she still strives to be above certain things, and hates the idea of being “bad”.

Head fix: 5

This is largely where Adora’s nerdy side comes from. 5s want to be competent, and they hate not knowing what to do, so they want a lot of information. Not knowing and not understanding frightens them. The most blatant expression of this with Adora is probably the whole thing with the princess prom. This side of her comes to surface when she can’t just adapt (=9) or do the right thing (=1). 5 is also detached and uncomfortable with their feelings, so this only strengthens Adora’s 9-tendency to not address hers. 5s are also big on compartmentalizing, so this greatly helps Adora to entertain certain difficult realities inside herself as if it’s nothing, such as Catra is an enemy she routinely fights, but she would also die for her in a heartbeat.

Heart fix: 3

If none of the three other strategies work, Adora will try to solve things and get people on her side by showing off. 3s want to be viewed as valuable and useful by others, and in Adora’s case it’s probably best seen in the way she acts when she meets Huntara. 3 is where she gets her cocky side. It’s a funny contrast with her humble 9-core, and in most cases she only has enough confidence to act like this when she’s with Catra, or when she’s She-Ra. Having a 3-fix also plays into her need to be useful, because while 9s often want to be useful to excuse their existence, 3s also want to hear that they are useful, so whatever little vanity Adora has will always directly reinforce the idea that good things come from her overexerting herself.

Instinctual Variant: so/sp

Social instinct is Adora’s primary instinct. She has a natural inclination to play by the rules of the group and acknowledge hierarchy, because social variants get safety from belonging and having a place, a role, in something bigger than themselves. Even though she has her hero complex, she doesn’t tend to fly solo until the stakes are really high. She never questions the Princess Alliance, it’s simply natural for her to move from one group to another, and that She-Ra’s strength belongs for the rebellion. She doesn’t really seem to get why some other people don’t seek the strength in numbers. Losing She-Ra also primarily means losing her place in the group for her, and she very much struggles to accept this.

Self-preservation instinct is Adora’s secondary one. It may seem like it isn’t because she’s so ready to die for others, but self-preservation isn’t really about that. It’s more about being preoccupied with questions of resources. Like, after turning against the Horde, Adora isn’t just concerned about losing the support of the group, her mind also immediately goes to “I don’t have a roof over my head”. She’s not as particular about having her physical needs met as a primary self-pres would be, but it’s included in her priorities. She feels out of place in Bright Moon because she’s used to different kind of surroundings, and losing She-Ra’s power is a hard blow because of losing the physical strength she has as She-Ra: her means for providing physical safety for others. She also desires some amount of independence, and She-Ra gave her that as well.

Sexual instinct is what Adora needs more in her life. That’s so tied to the whole point of the show that I’m not even sure what would be worthwhile for me to say about it at this point. The whole conflict between her and Catra relates so closely to it. Adora will routinely make sacrifices in her personal relationships for the common good, because one-to-one relationships are not her first concern in life. People who neglect their sexual instinct are uncomfortable with their more “primal” and intense feelings, so even in her closest relationships Adora is more about being friendly and accommodating and showing warm feelings to the other. She doesn’t have the “let me stare you deep into the eyes for hours and drown myself in them” quality that is characteristic of the sexual instinct. However, this is exactly the part she needs to accept in herself to be fully satisfied and to take her relationships to another level.

SPOP is so juicy because it’s so much about personal growth. We see Adora face pretty much every weakness and blind spot that relates to her personality, and we get to see her change for the better. At least that makes it very satisfying for me to analyse, because I’m such a fan of growth. Can’t wait to get to analyse the other main characters, and the supporting cast too.

Also, if you wish I would do a particular character, just tell me and I’ll take that into consideration!

[taboofables]

CP2077 OC ask game *:･ﾟ✧⚔️🤖🔮 [x]

PERSONAL.

1. what is their full name? do they have any nicknames? what are they and why did they get them? Vincent Laszlo Toth. Everyone just calls him V because he doesn’t like getting too personal. But if he feels comfortable around you he prefers to be called Laszlo. He’ll tell you himself  

2. how old are they? how long have they been living on their own? 28 as of 2077. He’s been living on his own for 10 years since he joined Arasaka

3. what are their astrology signs? sun/moon/rising. He was born on June 10th 2049, which makes him a sun Gemini, moon Libra and ascendant Virgo 

4. what tarot card from the major arcana would you associate with them? The Fool, the Hanged Man, Death

5. are they religious or spiritual in any way? Neither but his experience made him think of many things and he’s coming to a sort of spirituality in his own way 

6. which of the four elements would you associate with them? Fire for his inner strength and transformation through action 

9. which of the nine alignments are they? (lawful good etc) Chaotic neutral 

10. which of the myers-briggs personality types are they? ESTP

11. do they have any cyberware? is it cosmetic or is it weaponry/armor? Circulatory system: Second heart; Frontal cortex: Ex-Disk; Arms: Projectile launch system; Ocular system: Kiroshi optics; Cyberdeck: NetWatch Netdiver Mk.5; Integumentary system: Subdermal armor; Skeleton: Titanium bones, Bionic lungs; Legs: Fortified ankles 

12. what is their occupation? Arasaka’s personal lapdog? He’s not sure yet because he does a bit of everything but his competence in weaponry and hacking earned him a good score in the eyes of Saburo and Hanako Arasaka themselves. Sorry Goro & Oda 

13. if you were to choose a class for them, what would it be? Combat netrunner

14. what is their weapon of choice? M-179 Achilles precision rifle, Malorian Arms 3516 gun

15. what is their preferred vehicle or transportation of choice? Villefort Cortes Delamain no.21 & Yaiba Kusanagi CT-3X.  Depends on his mood and how fast he needs to arrive

16. how would you describe their style? He’s a shameless looter and wears only the best from his fallen enemies :)  But mostly it’s neomilitarism

17. are they a early riser or a night owl? Night owl. He can adapt but at any given chance he stays up late and wakes up late

18. share three songs you associate with them. Devils Got You Beat - Blues Saraceno Nu Disco Remix Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff Jonathan Davis - Walk On By

NIGHT CITY.

19. is your character from night city? if no, where were they born? what brought them to night city? if yes, what area of the city did they grow up? Charter Hill, Night City. It’s a corpo district, relatively new. Used to be a nice place until everyone with big pockets got the hots for North Oak. Now it’s just the most affordable comfort area for mid-level corpos

20. where do they currently live? describe their home. He currently resides at the Arasaka Family Compound outskirts of Tokyo. It’s a huge ass fortress in a feudal style, beautiful and old-fashioned. He has a simple but spacious room in a traditional Japanese style with a futon mattress. He loathes it & most of the people around but at least he gets fed well regularly, and he enjoys spending time in a cherry grove garden 

21. do they have any favorite spots around NC? A garden in the Glen, he found it refreshing

22. do they like to cook for themselves, or eat out? do they prefer restaurants or street food? and how do they feel about vending machine food? He doesn’t like vending machines and enjoys the food served at the Compound, even if it seems exotic to him. But occasionally he eats street food to remind himself of his past life

23. do they prefer the city or the badlands? Stone jungles all the way. He was born in the city and he doesn’t get the appeal of dirt, sand and wind

24. what gang/faction/corporation do they align with, if any? Arasaka. He always thought it was more promising than Militech despite his parents’ lectures. His fate within the company wasn’t always good but he worked hard to prove himself. In some twisted way it did pay off

25. which radio station(s) is their favorite? He switches between Pacific Dreams, Vexelstrom, Samizdat and Morro Rock

26. if they do merc work, do they have one dedicated fixer? if so, who? Not really but he enjoyed working with Rogue. Johnny was right, she is the best. Her charisma is unmatched

27. have they ever had run ins with the badges? He prefers not to attract attention even if he has corpo immunity

28. are they quick to help a stranger in need or do they prefer to stay out of other peoples business? Depends. If stranger seems to be innocent then he might, but if V smells they brought it on themselves he won’t lift a finger for them

29. do they have any favorite celebrities that frequent or live in NC? how would they feel meeting them? V isn’t into celebrities. His closest experience to meeting one would be abduction of Hanako Arasaka. It wasn’t part of the plan and at first he thought he screwed up even worse than before - she was his former boss’ daughter at the time and he was practically begging her for help. But for some strange reason she reached out to him more than once so maybe he wasn’t so terrible

RELATIONSHIPS.

30. is your friend a social butterfly or more of a loner? Not exactly a butterfly but certainly not a loner. He socializes well but currently the world of top-level managers makes him feel out of place. Not a lot of people to connect to and it’s suffocating

31. who are their closest chooms in NC? Jackie was. Now it’s Viktor Vector and Misty but he hasn’t seen them in a while

32. do they have anyone they would consider family? Judy and Panam as they went through a lot together and supported each other

33. what is/was their relationship like with their parents? They are Militech managers so they weren’t happy when he chose Arasaka. They don’t communicate ever since

34. do they have siblings? He has an older brother Andras ‘Andy’ Toth but he hasn’t spoken to him for a while either

35. how would you describe their relationship with their family? Estranged

36. who is their biggest enemy? At this point anyone The Arasakas point their fingers at

37. tell a short story about your character with their best choom. Not exactly a story but V regrets never telling Jackie how much he affected his life. Jackie was a real force of nature

38. do they have a love interest? if so, who? He might... But he’s completely oblivious to his feelings and she’s way out of his league. It’s Hanako Arasaka

39. are they in a committed relationship or do they date around? They’re not and they don’t

40. has your character ever been in love? if so, with who? Once, with another corpo girl at Arasaka long time ago. It didn’t work

41. do they believe in soulmates? No, he believes in luck and mutual efforts

42. do they believe in love at first sight? He heard about it but it never happened to him and he doesn’t believe he can fall for someone just seeing them for the first time. You literally don’t know them at all at this point. He believes that love is a mutual investment and work

43. describe their ideal date. At this point it might be something as simple as watching sakura trees blooming. Small pleasures of life

44. would your character ever get married? If he had more time to live then maybe, theoretically. If he could be with someone special and circumstances worked in their favor

45. what was your characters first impression of their partner(s)? Not a partner but rather a love interest. He thought that Hanako handled herself well given the overall situation, and even was arrogant as fuck. Maybe that’s why she impressed him, it left a mark on his memory. I mean, you kidnap someone and they pretty much insult you? Fuck yes, no gift wrap is required

46. are they open about their relationship or low key? how would other people feel about them together? They’re not in a relationship but if they would be then it’d definitely be low key. No one should know, otherwise it may create serious problems for both

47. share a headcanon about your character and their partner(s). He likes to take and touch things from her table when he’s pensive during their conversations. Occasionally he spouts self-made haiku when the mood strikes him and boy - he’s terrible at it

48. share three songs you associate with your character and their partner(s). Chris Isaak - Wicked Game Jonathan Davis - Basic Needs The Rolling Stones - Anybody Seen My Baby? Hikaru Utada - Heart Station

NSFW.

49. name three of your characters biggest turn ons. Nice derriere, beautiful eyes and maturity

50. name three of your characters biggest kinks. Not taking clothes off; Voyeurism; Footsie

51. do they like having multiple partners or do they prefer monogamy? When it comes to a relationship he’s fully committed but he hasn’t been in one for a long time

52. do they watch porn or braindances? Both but BDs beat porn. He doesn’t do it often though

53. would your character ever make an explicit braindance? No, he’s not interested and not in a position to make one

54. do they have any cybernetic enhancements that serve sexual purposes? No

55. do they have a preference for ‘ganic bodies or do they like modifications? He doesn’t care much as long as he likes the person. Organic bodies are soft and warm, they give different kind of sensations. But he’s not picky

56. name three of your characters biggest turn offs. Low IQ, overly sexual behavior, manipulations

57. what is their ultimate fantasy? or ““secret”“ kink? Don’t ask because he won’t tell you even if his life depended on it. It’s bending Hanako over her piano and giving her a hard fuck, and once they’re done it’s breathing heavily in unison against her neck, their hands holding each other, her golden fingers leaving bruises on his thighs afterwards

58. would they ever use any substances like aphrodisiacs, alcohol or drugs during sex? No, he prefers natural sensations. At least as long as his nervous system is working properly

59. what is their wildest sexual experience? He accidentally almost drowned once during sex in a bathtub

60. are they more submissive or dominant? Dominant

61. does your character need to have an intimate relationship with someone to have sex? or do they prefer being unattached? That depends on a situation. Intimate relationship heightens the effects but aren’t necessary to derive pleasure

62. has your character ever participated in group sex? No but he received invitations

63. do they like to sext or play over the holo? Yes, if there’s a appropriate time for it

64. has your character ever ghosted someone after a sexual encounter? Yes

65. how would they react if they were ghosted by someone they like after a sexual encounter? He’s already been ghosted by Meredith Stout and he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. It’s unpleasant but why focus on something that doesn’t work if you can find more opportunities?

66. do they prefer kink oriented sex or spontaneous passionate sex? If he had to choose then it would be the latter 

67. how do they get down on their own? quick and easy or do they have to romance themselves a little? Quick and easy, all he needs is imagination and a shower. Just don’t disturb him

68. in what outfit do they feel sexiest? how do they dress to impress? Anything that’s clean, fresh and comfortable to wear

69. do they like having music on while they have sex? share three songs they’d play while getting down. He never tried it with music but he’s always open to new experiences and suggestions

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

What do you think about the relationship between Napoleon and Lannes? Were they like best friends or something? I read that when Lannes died Nap was really sad he cried and wasn't in a very good mood even after he returned home

Oh I love their friendship. Love their love. And they were intimately close. Terribly familiar and affectionate with each other (if in a bit of a rough-housey military sort of affectionate). Lannes was Roland to Napoleon’s Charlemagne. Patroclus to Napoleon’s Achilles. 

They met as young men during the 1796 Italian Campaign and became fast friends. Both were from more modest backgrounds, both were stiff-necked and hard-headed, both had a military background, and so on. Lannes also fits into Napoleon’s category of “people he loved in part because they were there from the beginning”. Lasting sixteen years (and it would have lasted through to the end I think, had Lannes lived) their relationship was deep, intimate and meaningful to both.

Lannes was one of the few who could tutoyer Napoleon (in private and, more importantly, in public), and did so with great enthusiasm. He’s also one of the few who could publicly oppose/butt heads/insult/be overly familiar with Napoleon and not suffer any real consequences. (e.g. Lannes famously called Napoleon a harlot once in public. To which I am sure we can all hear Napoleon going: Fuck you Lannes. Lannes’ “punishments” when he overstepped the mark were either temporary banishment [it never lasted long] or being sent on diplomatic journeys he didn’t want to go on.) 

They were what some would call intimate friends, or romantic friends. 

Lannes’ death cut Napoleon to the core in a way that is only matched, I would argue, by Duroc and Josephine. Napoleon was mournful and grief stricken over others, such as Desaix and Chauvet, but not to the same degree or intensity. 

(Desaix’s death did prompt that heartbroken line from Napoleon of (roughly) “he always wanted to die in battle but did death have to be so eager to grant him his wish”. Chauvet’s gave us that letter to Josephine where Napoleon says that Chauvet is dead, his ghost whistles through Napoleon’s tent.) 

Indeed, in terms of displays of emotion on the battlefield, particularly open weeping and almost inconsolable grief, Lannes is one of the few that garnered such a reaction from Napoleon. (Duroc being another.) Which speaks to their profound relationship and what Lannes meant to Napoleon (and it certainly goes the other way around as well). Napoleon said of Lannes, “Lannes adored me…he was certainly one of the men on whom I could most depend in this world.” 

Later on St. Helena: “he [Lannes] clung to me [Napoleon] … for the rest of his life; he wanted only me, thought only of me … Certainly, he loved his wife and children more than me; nevertheless, he never spoke about it because he expected nothing of it; he was the one who protected them, while in turn, I was his protector.” (A sort of military-esque marriage.)

One of my favourite exchanges, which can be summed up as: Presenting you the married couple of Napoleon & Lannes. 

You damn Gascon! What the hell were you doing… trying to prove you’re so damn brave when we already know that? No… you were out there risking your men and yourself for no bloody reason! You’d do better to follow your orders from now on. When I want you to get yourself killed I’ll let you know!

– Napoleon to Lannes, after the takeing of Malta, 1798. Cited in The Emperor’s Friend: Marshal Jean Lannes

Mostly because you can hear Lannes yelling back: I DO WHAT I WANT YOU STUPID CORSICAN. Also because this is such a “I’m so panicked you almost died I love you and also want to slap you” moment from Napoleon. 

Married Couple #2: 

There were a few diversions, however, particularly the evening meetings of the savants who would later organize the Institut d’Égypte. Bonaparte took these meetings seriously and made his generals and staff attend. He could not always control such a diverse crowd, however. Several officers were unimpressed and obviously bored with scholarly discussions. A participant claimed Lannes and Junot were the worst behaved, joking with each other and making rude remarks while the savants attempted to educate them. Junot would deliberately mispronounce Lannes’s name as one of his better jokes, calling him l’âne, or ass. Lannes told Bonaparte that nobody could hear the scholars over Junot’s snores rumbling from the back of the crowded gathering. Bonaparte excused Junot from further sessions, but he made Lannes stay, fidgety, bored, with no one to listen his sotto voce comments.

— Margaret S. Chrisawn, The Emperor’s Friend: Marshal Jean Lannes.

Junot and Napoleon though, that’s another complicated situation. (It was a mess, a hot, hot mess. Junot was in Love. Napoleon was embarrassed. It got messy and mean.)

A few accounts from Lannes’ death: 

As soon as the Emperor saw him, he ran, hastened to him, covered him with kisses. He called to him in the middle of his sobs, and said to him in a muffled voice: ‘Lannes, my friend, do you recognize me? It’s me, it’s the Emperor. It’s Bonaparte, your friend!’ … Napoleon, kneeling before the dying hero, cried hot tears. This most touching meeting, these most tender embraces moved us profoundly … The Emperor’s pain was so intense that none of the witnesses to this scene could ever deny the profound feeling that it inspired.

– Account from Jean-Jacques-Germain Pelet

“My Cousin, the marshal died this morning of wounds he received on the battlefield. My grief is equal to yours. I lose my armies’ most distinguished general, my companion in arms for the last sixteen years, the one I considered my closest friend. His family and his children will always have a particular right to my protection. It’s to assure you of this that I wanted to write you this letter, because I sense that nothing can relieve the true sorrow that you will feel.”

— Letter from Napoleon to the Duchess of Montebello, 31 May 1809.

Following Lannes’s agonizing death on May 31, 1809, Napoleon retreated to his tent where his valet Louis Constant later found the Emperor “seated, immobile, mute, and staring into space, in front of his hastily prepared meal. Napoleon’s eyes were inundated with tears; they multiplied and fell silently into the soup.”

[…]

Napoleon’s grief for Marshal Lannes took on the very public character of open lamentation. Rather than grieve behind closed doors and conceal his personal vulnerabilities in order to show public strength, Napoleon’s mourning for his beloved friend became a matter of great public spectacle. Like Achilles mourning his beloved Patroclus, Napoleon wept publicly and openly expressed his affection in a way that was widely reported, discussed, and admired by the officers and soldiers in his armies.

[…]

Napoleon’s public grief at the death of Jean Lannes represented a new model for social relations between soldiers in the early nineteenth-century France. weeping over his friend’s broken body, Napoleon demonstrated how the revolution and empire had made it possible not only for an emperor to grieve openly for a fallen marshal, but for a soldier to love his comrade. This uncharacteristic expression of affection between Napoleon and Lannes was echoes in similar relationships between officers and foot soldiers in Napoleon’s armies. Military memories of the first empire bear witness to a wide range of intimate relationships among generals, colonels, and captains as well as sergeants, corporals, and grunts (grognards), the infantry soldiers who made up the majority of the imperial armies. Napoleon’s love for Lannes might thus be said to represent a broad spectrum of masculine affection and intimacy in the ranks of the Grande Armée, or what could be called Napoleonic friendship.

- Napoleonic Friendship: Military Fraternity, Intimacy, and Sexuality in Nineteenth-century France

“The Emperor also spoke of the last moments of Marshal Lannes, the valorous Duke of Montebello, so justly called the Roland of the army, who, visited by the Emperor on his deathbed, seemed to forget his own condition and tend to him whom he loved above everything.” 

-Las Cases, Memorial of Saint Helena. 

Indeed, Napoleon’s friendship and open pain and grief at Lannes’ death is one of those rare moments that allows us to separate the Napoleonic Myth - that enigmatic Emperor who is a repository of collective fears and hopes - and see the man beneath it. And while, as with everything relating to Napoleon, his friendship with Lannes can be either over, or under, stated - I think we can all safely agree that there was love, intimacy, affection and friendship between them and Lannes’ death impacted Napoleon in a way that I’m not sure we can fully appreciate. 

Until the end, whenever Lannes was brought up Napoleon would discuss him briefly then quickly move on to other subjects and it’s clear, based on how he is described in those moments (going silent, blinking a lot, looking away), he’s trying not to cry. 

[thanksjro]

More Than Meets the Eye #14- Everything’s Coming Up Overlord

Our issue opens up with a prologue.

Two miles below the surface of the moon, two miners are going at it, as they discuss the merits of their respective tools. As the guy with the pickaxe hits the floor below him, he exposes a bright green light hiding in the ground.

The miners, amazed, make a call to their boss, Momus; the very same Momus who would one day become a Senator and eventually be killed by the Senate for his Decepticon sympathies.

Momus, once made aware of the situation, makes his own call to the Functionist Council, siting that a Code 113- because of COURSE it is- is taking place. The Council responds by shutting down the mine and sending a representative to check things out. The representative claims his name is Three of Twelve, but I know The One Electronic when I friggin’ see him.

The green light, once authenticated, is scheduled for retrieval and “nurturing”. Because Momus is in charge of the mine, and this green light is a super big deal, Three of Twelve grants him the status of Alt-Mode Exempt; he can basically do whatever the hell he wants, free of Functionist meddling. Dang, Whirl should have tried digging one of these things up! Would’ve saved him a lot of heartache.

Guys, c’mon, it’s Momus! You ought to know by now that he’ll fuck you, but he doesn’t fucking need you. You ain’t getting a thing, and you also won’t have any time to unionize, because you’re going to be dead by the end of the day.

That green light turned out to be a spark, the sort of “soul” that a Transformer has at the core of their being. That murderous little ball of light is a robot zygote.

…They really let the guy with the well-documented thing with pregnancy handle the reproductive aspect of the world building, huh?

Anyway, it’s time to see what Milne’s take on Last Stand of the Wreckers looks like.

Wow, that is just the uncoolest line. I mean, wow.

Make note of Overlord’s lips here. We’ll be seeing a lot more of them once the lady robots make an appearance.

Overlord makes quick work of Springer, punching him into the dirt, and we see someone who most certainly was NOT present for the events of Last Stand.

We do that, jumping to the part where Ironfist explodes Overlord with his mind.

He didn’t say that! My immersion in this story about giant space robots is broken!

This obviously leads to Overlord being reduced to a flaming skeleton, and he screams at Chromedome to scoot his boot so he can get at Verity. Chromedome refuses, antagonizes the guy who’s at least three times his size, then initiates a scene change with a literal snap of his fingers.

Lot of good reference material for Chromedome in this issue. Artists take note.

Here is our first taste of mnemosurgery on someone who isn’t dead or dying, as well as our first taste of Chromedome having something resembling self confidence.

Outside of Overlord’s brain foyer, Chromedome stands on a forklift, with both of his horrid, needly hands punched into his patient’s head. Overlord is still very much in the position we saw him in issue #6, hooked up in a full body harness in something called a slow cell.

Overlord, still very sad that he got stood up by Megatron, tells Chromedome to kill him. Chromedome refuses, saying that he wouldn’t even if he could.

Hey, Chromedome. Maybe don’t tell this guy you can’t kill him. Just seems like maybe not the best idea.

Chromedome gets back to work, getting perhaps a bit too comfortable as he pulls himself up a chair from- I dunno, Overlord’s brain aether.

This really is your element, isn’t it, Chromedome? You’re just straight-up power tripping right now. No wonder Rewind has to literally beg you to not do this.

We jump into another one of Overlord’s memories, where’s he’s getting his shit absolutely destroyed by Megatron in a gladiator fight. We get our first taste of information creep as a concept, which is referred to as eidetic decay here.

I wanna know what the purple guy with the blue visor’s face situation is. Don’t think we’ve run into anyone like that before. It’s a little concerning, if I’m being honest.

We move on to the next memory, but it looks like “same shit, different day” is a huge part of who Overlord is as an individual, because it’s just more of him getting whaled on by Megatron.

After this uncomfortably intimate moment, Megatron puts his bucket helmet back on and states that Overlord is finally “ready.”

Ready for what, you might ask?

You remember that obscene sort of fascination of Roberts’ that we keep running into? We’re about to delve into some of that right now. But first- the set up.

We’re in a new memory, in a place called the Foundry, and Overlord’s been stripped down to his robotic skivvies and placed in a large glass tank. Megatron walks up, berating Rossom (of Rossom’s Trinity fame) and saying “to hell with safety protocols, I’m Megatron and I say we make Overlord into a Phase Sixer, meh meh meh.” Shockwave is there.

Rossom’s concerned about this project, because A) they’re going to be using the last of their ununtrium to do this, and B) if it works, Overlord’s going to be the strongest motherfucker ever, and he’ll probably try to kill Megatron.

Ununtrium is something that actually exists in the real world, though it in no way works like it does in MTMTE. Ununtrium is actually an outdated name for the element Nihonium, a synthetic chemical element, whose most stable form has a half-life of 10 seconds. It has no known properties or qualities, because it simply doesn’t last long enough to be studied that in-depth. So why use this element in the story? The answer lies in the placeholder name itself. Ununtrium was named so because it’s the 113th element in the periodic table.

In other words, Ununtrium was used because Roberts is a massive nerd.

Because Overlord’s a Point One Percenter, and in fact that murderous little spark we saw at the beginning of the issue, he ought to be perfectly fine. Shockwave has planted a killswitch in the guy’s brain in case he tries something funny on Megatron.

The narrative is interrupted for a moment as Chromedome chastises Overlord for being kind of sleepy in his memories. Then Chromedome lets something slip that he probably really shouldn’t have.

With the contingencies in place, it’s time to get the Phase Sixer show on the road.

Well, there it is.

Oh, and a bit more.

Overlord thanks Rossom for all his hard work by crushing his skull, and thus the story of how he became a Phase Sixer draws to a close.

Megatron, you had literally zero reason to say that. This is how you can tell Roberts wrote this scene to fuck with people.

Back in the white void, Chromedome’s patting himself on the back over a job well done.  In the background, Overlord’s smiling.

It’s never a good thing when Overlord smiles.

If Chromedome had just kept things professional and didn’t keep bringing up their shared history, Overlord wouldn’t be able to have another flashback- this one’s got Starscream and Thundercracker in it! No word on where Skywarp’s gotten to. Skywarp doesn’t get a ton of attention in IDW Transformers.

The three of them are bombing what appears to be a wasteland, on word from Decepticon intel that there’s something worth looking for in the area. Turns out, intel was right.

Chromedome, suddenly antsy, pulls them out of the memory, demanding to know why this is happening. Overlord just smiles.

Oh, hey Brainstorm. What brings you to the New Institute?

Chromedome, your war crimes are showing! Turns out Mnemosurgery and Shadowplay are the same fucking thing.

As Chromedome assists in what appears to be an empurata in progress, he’s shot in the gut, as present-Chromedome screams and reaches for himself.

Overlord and company release Soundwave, who is in no way grateful for the assist. They leave quickly, Overlord taking Trepan as a souvenir, because that’s just the kind of guy he is. He kidnaps people.

As Chromedome in the past lays bleeding out on the floor, Chromedome in the present decides it’s time to share his feelings.

Prowl did Chromedome a solid after Zeta came into Primehood, and got him an internship at the New Institute. The one time Prowl was nice to his partner, and it’s to hook him up with a job that can and will kill him the more frequently he does it.

Chromedome was so good at poking people in the brain, he got a nickname out of it. That nickname? Chromedome.

Yeah, his real name is Tumbler.

Chromedome remembers himself, and the fact that they shouldn’t be seeing any of this, because Overlord is the patient and he wasn’t there for this info dump.

Overlord’s still smiling.

Overlord may be a lot of things, but he’s no dummy. He took Trepan with him to learn mnemosurgery, in an attempt to learn the secrets of the Achilles Virus Shockwave planted in his brain. He didn’t complete his training, because Megatron caught wind, but major smart boy points to you, Overlord.

Now he’s going to use his own mnemosurgery skills to bust on out of here.

Chromedome, Overlord has been killing fools since literally before he was born, and you basically handed him a rope to hang you with.

SMASH CUT TO:

There he is, Cybertron’s #1 Bastard Bachelor! Of course he’s involved with this!

All that stuff Rung told Fort Max in issue #6, about Overlord’s spark being in a whiteout vacuum? A giant ruddy lie fed to the public, to give High Command a chance to figure out what they were going to do with him.

Prowl, they are MARRIED, you giant space ass.

Prowl has a theory that Phase Sixers aren’t born, but made. We as the readers, of course, already know this, but we’ve got to know where we’ve been before we can figure out where we’re going. He’s invited Chromedome to his office to ask him to mnemosurgery Overlord up and get the secret Krabby Patty formula Phase Sixer recipe.

Chromedome, doesn’t want to do that, though. He wants to live in a peaceful world, where Rewind doesn’t have to worry about his impending, work-related death.

How exactly mnemosurgery kills practitioners is never exactly explained. I, however, have a theory.

We’ve already established that if you inject enough times, you start getting crossover with your patients’ memories in your own brain. We’ve seen it happen with Chromedome in the Annual, and it was vivid enough that he wasn’t sure if the memory of committing suicide by way of Gideon’s Glue was his own or not.

Because Transformers are very similar in bodily functions to humans- because this isn’t hard sci-fi- it stands to reason that more than just memories reside in the brain module. The brain controls movement, organ regulation, chemical balances, all that jazz. 

Where does the line for memory get drawn? Who’s to say that bodily functions wouldn’t start bleeding through the connection? If you can have memories bleed through and have to double-check with someone on whether or not they’re yours, who’s to say that it can’t happen with other parts of the brain? Like programming for your robotic organs? If a patient clearly remembers how hard their fuel pump was going during a stressful situation, does that stress response translate for the surgeon’s body type, or does it stay at what it had been for the original brain? 

If Chromedome’s fuel pump starts going at a rate designed for a guy the size of Fort Max, it’s probably going to explode. 

Getting back to the story at hand, Chromedome says “thanks, but no thanks” and is walking out of the room, when Prowl does something kind of stupid:

He starts threatening to blackmail the guy who has pointy mind-wiper fingers and doesn’t really like him all that much.

This is one of the larger seeds involved with a dropped story plot, in which it would have been revealed that Chromedome had been part of the mission that led to Dominus Ambus’ disappearance. It was seeded very early on in MTMTE, but never came to fruition, mainly due to the fact that Roberts didn’t want to give Chromedome and Rewind’s relationship that much of a trench to jump over. I mean, how would you even handle that, finding out that your current husband was complacent in the disappearance of your first husband? It’d be messy. Way too messy to be wrapped up cleanly. There’s other aspects of that plot thread that I’ll cover later on, but trust me when I say it would have needed its own spin-off series to be properly handled and resolved. A spin-off series that it wouldn’t have gotten.

As it currently stands, the interpretation of what exactly Chromedome did that would warrant him getting cagey here is wide open. Was he involved with the Ostaros situation in Sins of the Wreckers? Did he have a past with a Decepticon that Rewind wouldn’t have approved of? Was he a Decepticon at some point? Does he not like dogs? It’s up to YOU, dear reader!

Prowl’s threat goes about as well as you’d expect.

I mean, really, what did you THINK was going to happen?

Chromedome wipes the memory of making the threat, as well as the information that made the threat possible, then leaves, and Prowl is none the wiser.

Overlord’s not done yet, though. He moves on to the next memory, which involves a giant, naked human. Chromedome enters Brainstorm’s lab, while he’s hard at work on the holomatter avatars. Brainstorm has stolen Perceptor’s sniper sight and is wearing it on his head. Why does he have it? What purpose does it serve him? Who knows!

Drift is accompanying Chromedome on this little visit, and thus the identity of the mystery door-whisperer from issue #12 is revealed.

Watch out for his hands, Drift.

The mystery of the oddly threatening medical drone is also revealed- Brainstorm had them all loaded up with a speech recognition program that would alert Drift whenever Overlord was mentioned.

With introductions to Project: Total Insanity out of the way, it’s time to get technical.

Five seconds for Overlord is thirty minutes for the rest of the Lost Light. In theory, if he somehow broke loose from his bindings and escaped his cell, they’d have plenty of time to scramble the troops and get ready for him.

Let’s see how that theory works when applied to real world testing, shall we?

Overlord gets the code to the cell, thanks to this merry little jaunt inside Chromedome’s brain he’s decided to take, rips free of his bonds, and makes his exit. Chromedome, temporarily paralyzed and mute from the strain of doing such a long deep reading on Overlord, can only watch as he walks out the door, making a promise to find Rewind first when he starts killing everyone on the ship.

Oh man, this next one’s gonna be a doozy.