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intrulogical · 9 months

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🍊: The Semantics of The Orange Side

Explaining his function, understanding his role in the narrative, and debunking/dissecting common notions about the Orange Side.

To be honest, this essay was inevitable. I've had thoughts about Orange brewing since 2020, but only recently has it developed into something more concrete. For the longest time, most meta surrounding Orange began with theories about his role as a side, then extended towards narrative and side mechanics later on. I, for one, have been a victim of this pattern.

Then, I realized that asking who Orange is is a terrible opener for theories.

There are many important questions glossed over if we start that way. For example, what is Orange's role in the overarching theme of combating black-and-white thinking? What does it mean for Orange to be a side? Who is he in the context of the Dark Sides? There are many crucial things to consider when it comes to predicting who Orange is, and I feel like concrete theories can only be made if we can establish the semantics of how Orange works.

This essay definitely won't be perfect— this is literally my second draft— but I will try my best making it in a way that flows, somehow. Some sections will discuss general ideas I have, some will try to dissec popular preconceived notions to reorient our logic surrounding Orange. As always, I'm open to discussion! My words aren't gospel.

Important notes: All mentions of Thomas refer to him as a character. Moreover, I acknowledge that Remus is a flawed depiction of intrusive thoughts. Technically, he acts more of a mix of intrusive thoughts, forbidden creativity, and impulsive thoughts. Because of this, when I talk about Remus in the context of his role, please be assured that I am talking about all his functions at once, not just intrusive thoughts.

(Full essay under the cut! I worked hard on this, so I'd definitely appreciate the read. <3)

i. Orange as a Dark Side

The ways fans have characterized and defined Orange has always seemed to be rooted in their perception of what being a “Dark” Side is. That is— they are edgy, and somewhat suppressed. They are more “morally questionable” compared to the rest. More fics would even go as far as depicting Orange as morally black, in that he has no role in the narrative other than being a stirring force of conflict; a villain that needs to be defeated.

It is unfortunate to see such a surface level perspective on who the “Dark” Sides are and what they mean as an oppositional force to the “Light” Sides.

My stance on the “Dark” and “Light” sides has always been the same (if you read my past essays, you'll know). Like what Logan said in CLBG, the labels are arbitrary because no side can be argued to be “good” or “bad”. Although, it would be a complete lie for me to say there's no distinction. Rather, Thomas’ black-and-white thinking literally created one. But the distinction does not lie within the sides’ morals, rather it lies in how big their influence is on Thomas. Because the “Light” Sides are welcomed, Thomas will entertain their contributions more than the sides Thomas considers as “bad” or “taboo”.

In my opinion, Orange being morally black makes no sense in a series that is a.) thematically focused on dismantling black-and-white thinking, and b.) a man vs. self conflict. The villain is the problem of Thomas not being able to cope with his mental struggles properly. It would be odd to blame a portion of his brain as the evil of all evils. Although, I'd like to clarify that while Orange most likely wouldn't be morally black, it wouldn't be a surprise to me if he is just as dubious and mischievous as the other “Dark” Sides. After all, if they are the most suppressed sides, they would have to stick to unconventional tactics (aka looking scary) to get Thomas’ attention.

I'll explain more later when I get into what I think Orange actually does as a side. For now, I want to focus on Orange in the context of the “Dark” Sides, because I genuinely think it's an overlooked idea! While nothing is explicitly confirmed, the “Dark” Sides are implied to know something the other characters and we, the audience, don't know about.

Janus and Remus share this sense of meticulousness. They always feel like they're scheming something. Janus, for example, took his time from CLBG to SVS.R to successfully impart to Thomas that acting out of self-interest isn't the worst thing in the world, especially if your mental health is crumbling. Remus is even in on this plan, although his motivations for assisting Janus aren’t actually explicitly expressed yet. Even if Remus wanted to challenge Logan's self-restraint in WTIT to prove how much it was harming Thomas’ long-term mental health, we still don't know if Remus is doing it out of care for Thomas, or just… ‘cus. Either way, it's important to know that whatever Remus is doing seems to point to the same direction Janus is going, which is to break Thomas’ black-and-white thinking.

Assuming Orange is another “Dark” Side, it feels crucial to understand who Orange is in the context of this undisclosed plan. More than anything, because the “Dark” Sides want to be heard, it would make sense if they unionize to achieve that goal together. If they dismantle Thomas’ horrid perception of them, then all three of them would benefit. Thus, it would make no sense for Orange, if he were not morally black, to act solely out of individual interest. Yes, the “Dark” Sides seem to be introducing themselves one by one, but I feel like that's because a.) narratively, it's to pace, b.) it would scare Thomas for three strangers to pop up to him only for them to be shunned as a collective by the “Light” Sides, and c.) Janus and Remus seem to be performing specific roles in this overarching plan, so while they work separately, it's mostly for the same cause.

So, what does that mean, exactly? Like I said, the “Dark” Sides have an overall goal of being heard, strengthening Thomas’ mental wellbeing, and breaking his black-and-white thinking. If my theory is correct in assuming each “Dark” Side has a specific role for this plan, then pinpointing Janus and Remus’ roles may help us factor out Orange's role.

Here's what I deduced: Janus is there as some kind of soft launch, to set the principle. Janus mirrors Patton in that sense, although in the opposite direction. He breaks apart Thomas’ preconceived notions of the world and bandages it with better, more nuanced foundations. On the other hand, Remus somewhat acts like an alarm clock. While not all his contributions are worthwhile, his mere presence is a reminder that something has to be done. In the series, it's to cater to his deteriorating mental health. He checks if the principles Janus provides aren't being followed, and makes a good fucking clamor about it if it doesn't.

Orange, I'd argue, serves as a means for Thomas to externalize these principles. It would make sense that the last thing Thomas would need to do is to put everything into action. Janus points out how one can be disenfranchised, Remus points out when he is being disenfranchised, and Orange ensures Thomas can express his discomfort when he is disenfranchised. Makes sense, right?

Speaking of externalization.

ii. Personal and Narrative Purpose

If you’re a fan that pre-dates the release of WTIT, you're well-acquainted with the idea that Orange represents Rage or Wrath. This theory came about in cahoots with an old notion that each “Dark” Side needs to have a “Light” Side counterpart, especially if you share complementary colors. Thus, many people assumed that Orange is Logan’s foil. Consequently, most interpretations of Orange depict him as emotion-centric, specifically Rage, as that’s what most people assume is an oppositional force against logic. Moreover, because a portion of Logan’s arc revolves around accepting one’s emotions, it would make sense if Orange, as an emotion-centric side, would be part of that. We’ve gotten two hints from the series itself that confirms this: 1.) a fight sequence in SVS.R showing “Blinding Rage” as one of Thomas’ attacking options, and 2.) the infamous orange eyes in WTIT that appeared when both Thomas and Logan felt angry simultaneously.

What’s funny is, if you really think about it, we literally only have two pieces of evidence that point to this widely accepted fan theory. Although, unlike the previous section, I’m more inclined to actually believe these theories because it… does make sense! Especially narrative-wise. At the moment, miscommunication amongst the sides are at an all-time high. This is mostly because each side refuses to express their thoughts, especially since they’re at the midst of a complete paradigm shift in terms of morality and principles. Everything’s just a little too fragile, and it does not help that Thomas’ mental health is also at the brink. After SVS.R, the sides have acknowledged Thomas is on edge, but they’re still doing nothing concrete to actually fix it.

WTIT is my favorite episode of the series because it encapsulates the entire conflict so well. While Logan isn’t perfect, much of the useful suggestions he provided since DWIT never last past the moment he suggested them. Did Thomas ever see a therapist? Not really. Did Thomas find someone to talk about his issues with? Doesn't seem like it. Is Thomas taking his time with his mental health recovery? Nope. More than anything, the “Light” Sides and Thomas are very reactionary towards their problems. It’s even worse when you consider that Thomas is opting to pursue a relationship in the middle of this mess. WTIT showing us Thomas getting irrationally angry at Nico for not replying to his texts is… an interesting Chekhov’s Gun for future episodes, lemme tell you that.

Now, why am I relaying all this? It’s mostly to prove that something, or someone, needs to snap. There are grievances between the sides and Thomas that they are consciously suppressing that need out. Roman, Logan, and Thomas, specifically, need some sort of outlet for their frustrations— a way to justify them, in a sense. Logan’s eyes glowing orange while he snapped at Remus speaks so loudly of what Orange may offer. Externalization, justice, “cathartic release,” as my friend Orb (@orbmanson7) put it. Presently, Orange as an externalizing force is needed so they can actually do something about this damn issue!

And if not, I also see Orange’s role similarly to Remus’. As I’ve explained earlier, Remus’ presence acts as an alarm clock for Thomas to be aware of his deteriorating mental health. If Orange isn’t there to assist in an all-encompassing externalization of a side or Thomas’ deepest grievances, the mere presence of Orange as an emotional force can act as another kind of alarm clock. What I mean is, if we’re feeling mentally low, for example, we don’t need to express our grievances in the most eloquent way possible. Sometimes we just need to get angry. To cry, to shout nonsense. And that alone would be enough to prove that we need help. We need to do something about this.

To summarize, I think most depictions connecting Orange to emotional externalization are not off. There’s a lot of objectivity surrounding it, both when it comes to the narrative and his semantics as a side. We need a driving force that can topple the sides and Thomas over the edge to fully process the depth of Thomas’ mental health issues.

But, how does he, a supposedly, emotion-centric side, differ from Patton?

iii. Orange’s True Identity

Now that we laid our foundations, I think it would be a good time to entertain the question of: well, who is Orange?

Truth is, I have my own guess on what I believe Orange to be, but I cannot say my opinion is conclusive. My theories on Orange literally change every two months. So what I'll do, I suppose, is first, explain what makes a side a side. Then, I'll explain my own current predictions about Orange. Lastly, I'll list some popular fan theories I've heard about Orange and give you my thoughts.

a. What is a Side?

First— what constitutes a side? To me, there is no real basis in the conception of a side. Like what my friend Orb once explained to me, the interactions between sides are mental processes personified. This doesn't mean we should simply view the sides as metaphors, by the way. They're a hundred percent characters in their own right. But what I mean by “process personified” is that if we view one of Thomas' conflicts on its own— as in, without the sides— can we imagine the mental processes he's undergoing? To make it clearer, let's use an example. In WTIT, we see Remus and Logan battle out on who gets to influence Thomas more. If we saw this without the sides, we can think of it like— imagine you're having a bad mental health day. You wanted to do a list of chores but your mind is in the gutters right now. You feel guilty because of your demotivation. You try doing what you planned, but you still suck at it, and now you're spiraling, thinking about every insecurity you have, but you're also trying to combat that by rationalizing it.

I'm not gonna say that this definition solves who Orange truly is, but it does help when it comes to understanding how the sides work. Another characteristic of a side would be their multifacetedness. No side embodies one thing alone. They can have roles that are adjacent to each other, but not the same thing. For example, Roman embodies both the ego and creativity. Not the same thing, but it works in tandem in Thomas’ context. Same goes for Remus with intrusive thoughts and dark creativity. It is important to entertain the idea that Orange can encompass more than one role.

The last thing to consider would be the technical difference between a “Light” Side and a “Dark” Side. The division was created for Thomas to compartmentalize and suppress sides of himself that his Catholic upbringing taught him to believe is bad. If we assume Orange is a “Dark” Side, he must be embodying something typically thought of as taboo.

b. Who is Orange?

This brings us to our earlier question of, how does Patton differ from Orange if they both embody emotions? In DWIT, Logan confirms Remus was born from the categorization of certain thoughts as good or bad. I think it wouldn't be farfetched to suggest the same happened to Orange if he did embody emotions at a certain capacity. One of the biggest arguments I hear against this suggestion would be, if Patton already represents Thomas’ emotions, why do we need another side who does? The answer, again, lies in the themes of black-and-white thinking and compartmentalization. If Remus embodies the thought of committing a “sin”, Orange could possibly embody the actual emotions of wanting to do so. Anger is merely one possibility in Orange's roster of emotions. There are other emotions as well deemed “sinful” by Catholicism— pride, jealousy, hatred, greed, grief, etc. It would make sense that Patton would try omitting these out of himself when he was younger because he viewed them lowly.

So, what is my actual guess on who Orange is meant to embody? Well, I mean, I think my stance is pretty clear from the past 2500 words written literally before this. Simply put, if Remus is meant to embody forbidden thoughts, then Orange embodies forbidden emotions. Anger is merely one of many. He aids both Thomas and the other sides in externalizing strong emotions that seep past their efforts of suppression.

This is, of course, under the assumption that Orange is his own separate entity. I'm more inclined to believe this because Virgil confirms in CLBG that Janus has “Dark” Side friends (as in, plural). It also just feels more balanced this way if we consider the forbidden thoughts vis-a-vis forbidden emotions parallel to be true.

c. How could Logan be Orange?

But, of course, I've also considered the possibility of Logan being Orange. It's not my theory of choice but as someone who was balls deep in this theory a few months ago, there's definitely some merit to it. Here's the link to the post if you want to read my theory in full. It's pretty lengthy, but to summarize: This theory operates under the assumption that Thomas’ suppression of certain sides (ie. making them a “Dark” Side) makes them develop an additional role— the role Thomas perceives them as.

To explain better, let's use Remus as an example. Logan explained that, originally, Remus separated from Roman as Dark Creativity. Because Thomas refuses to entertain any creative thought he deemed bad, any suggestion provided by Remus was immediately labeled as intrusive. Thus, he became intrusive thoughts via Thomas’ low perception of him. Same goes for Janus, but to a lesser degree. As a side, he mostly acts out of the interest of Thomas, somewhat like self-preservation. But, because Catholic upbringing teaches that selfishness equates to evil, Thomas perceives Janus’ role of keeping things hidden as deceitful.

Thus, if Logan is Orange, then that means Logan’s role as logic is warping due to Thomas’ low perception of him. It’s no secret that Thomas views Logan as a “strict” side. In this scenario, I wouldn’t exactly say his additional role has something to do with externalization. Moreso, it has to do something with assertion or strict discipline. Think of an authoritative figure, like a teacher. Usually, when an authoritative teacher isn’t being respected in a class, they resort to meaner tactics like passive aggression, manipulation, etc. to impose their power. Logan doesn’t really transform into anything opposite to who he is as Logic. Rather, he has an additional role that coincides with Thomas’ perverted perception of logic. I’m not actually sure what this role is, but if I were to guess, it has something to do with restriction, discipline, or conformity.

Narratively, Logan becoming a “Dark” Side makes sense when you realize that his entire character arc is about him losing his sense of self-assertion. I made an essay last year that explores this if you want something to read later. To explain, WDWGOOBITM establishes how it’s important for Thomas to balance his practicality (needs) and aspirational desires (wants) for him to function as a human being. At the same time, we get LNTAO where Logan realizes that he failed to contribute to the discussion as usefully as the other sides. This creates a scenario where Logan concedes a lot of the decision-making to Patton and Roman’s hands. The result: Logan’s presence is minimized. Even in the episodes where he “saves the day” (DWIT and the Frozen episode), Thomas refused to consider his suggestions until the latter halves of the episodes. WTIT emphasizes this even more when we see Thomas prioritize his date with Nico to keep himself happy instead of focusing on the chores he promised to do. Even if we don’t know if Roman had anything to do with this, it’s obvious Thomas is naturally more inclined to do things Patton and Roman would prefer than something Logan does.

Thus, it makes sense that Logan becomes a “Dark” Side. But, and this is an important but, I don’t really agree with depictions of Logan suspending his role as logic to become a “Dark” Side. Logic is such an integral part of who we are as people, that even if you’re an intuition-focused person, you’d still have logical facilities in your head that connect one thing to another. Basic knowledge and all that. I can only see Logan be a completely new role if someone takes his place as Logic. Personally, I don’t like that idea, but you can make your own takeaways on this.

How “Dark” Sides are conceived would still be a mystery. The closest we’ve gotten to an explanation is Remus’ origin story, where he and Roman originally started as one creativity until they separated. In this sense, becoming a “Dark” Side didn’t really uproot Remus’ original role. He just changed a little. I’d like to assume the same for Logan, because if he is literally born as Thomas’ Logic, then he as a “Dark” Side would still have similar roles, just with minor changes.

d. Other Theories

Now with the main theories out of the way, let me speedrun through other theories I’ve heard and give my thoughts on it:

Procrastination: I feel like this is too surface-level for a side. As in, hHow would Procrastination justify itself to Thomas as a side that wants to help? Yes, Procrastination would be a good foil to Thomas, but Thomas’ inability to work doesn’t stem from Procrastination. It stems from bad solutions to his mental health crisis. Anyway, too cheap.

ADHD: This feels like… it’s prone to problematic territory. For real, ADHD is so multifaceted in itself, and is literally a disability? I think it makes more sense to have ADHD traits sprinkled amongst the sides rather than one character representing it as a whole. To make it its own guy is like suggesting the other six sides are divorced from Thomas’ ADHD characteristics, which feels wrong to me.

Hatred and any other suggestion that relates to “taboo” emotions: See my argument on Orange encapsulating forbidden emotions as a whole instead of Rage/Wrath on its own.

Justice: I actually liked this idea and sort of incorporated it with my idea of Orange as a means of externalization! To enact justice means to externalize your deepest desires— cathartic release.

Regret: See: the last two points, since it’s very similar.

Repression: Your heart’s in the right place, but most theories that subscribe to this literally just describe Janus. Keeping things secret because you think it’s unbeneficial? That’s one of Janus’ roles.

Insecurity: That is literally Remus’ role. While intrusive thoughts shouldn’t be viewed as meritable, intrusive thoughts base itself on a person’s sensitivities and insecurities. I also have an essay detailing how Remus is incredibly perceptive about everyone’s insecurities here.

That's about all the other theories I can recall, but if anyone else has other suggestions, send it to my inbox and I'll give you my thoughts.

Now that we understand Orange's fundamentals and who he is as a side, the question to ask next is what is he capable of as a side?

iv. Powers and Influences

Now we get to the part where I am! The most unsure about! As of the time I'm writing this, I literally just had a conversation with Orb trying to understand how Orange “possesses” Thomas and the sides, and nothing conclusive came out of it. Even if we are shown one instance of how Orange influences the others (ie. Logan's orange eyes), we actually do not know how that works at all.

I suppose we can start by asking ourselves how Orange embodies forbidden emotions. I see his insistence for Thomas to perform a certain emotion similar to how Patton would do it. It's impulsive, reactionary. They undergo a situation, then they make Thomas feel an emotion they deem apt for that situation. The only reason Orange isn't utilized as much as Patton is because, of course, Patton is who Thomas is more familiar with. I'd also like to argue that the emotions Orange would possibly encapsulate aren't ones that are constantly expressed. Most of the time, we are in a state of happiness or contentment, emotions covered by Patton. If not, we experience sadness, another common emotion covered by Patton. I would imagine Orange's roster of emotions are only experienced rarely, or if put in a continuous dire situation. Immense anger, for example, would pop up if you feel continuously disenfranchised by something. See: Thomas’ mental health crisis.

Ergo, Orange allows Thomas to feel “taboo” emotions when the situation calls for it. Pretty straightforward. But we're not done yet, because we have to consider what it means that Orange also assists other sides in externalizing their own emotions. We can't use the same argument we gave to Thomas because the sides… aren't each others’ sides. They're Thomas’. If Orange assists in the externalization of the other sides’ repressed emotions, then it has to work differently.

A widely accepted theory or headcanon I see in the fandom is that Orange “possessed” Logan to make him get angry. Or, Logan made a deal with Orange, and now he has angry spurts he doesn't understand. While I appreciate the efforts to make juicy angst, I'm not fond of the idea that these theories basically imply that Logan's anger in WTIT was not his own. In reality, it was. Logan suppressed his frustrations about everyone ignoring his suggestions, and now he snaps. Making it seem like he can't achieve these emotions on his own volition implies he has no frustrations about his predicament to begin with.

The real question is, then, why did Logan's eyes glow orange if his emotions at that moment were genuine? Well, like other segments of this essay, it's hard for me to say something conclusively. We literally have nothing else to work on, guys, pardon me if I can't be a hundred percent certain on my assertions. But if I were to guess, I'm inclined to believe that Orange cannot make the sides feel emotions that they don't already have. Rather, he's responsible for enhancing it. In Logan's situation, for example, his frustration is completely his own. But when you submit to something like, let's say, blinding rage, sometimes you lose your sense of control and simply act. In this case, Orange possibly assists the flow of emotions the side in question would be experiencing.

I'll admit though, I literally have no clue how Orange does that, how he assists the other sides to feel their repressed emotions better. Again, we are working with practically nothing here. Although, one thing we can entertain is the idea that Orange has something to do with a side's state of being. Just like how Janus causes the sides to cover their mouths when expressing a lie, the sides’ eyes could possibly glow orange just because they're feeling an intense, “taboo” emotion. If you don't want to imagine Orange as its own side, you can also factor in the popular fan theory that Orange is simply a state of being the sides experience, no additional side required. Either way, while we cannot dive deep on the semantics of the glowy eyes thing, we can at least confirm there is a link between a side externalizing repressed or “taboo” emotions and Orange himself.

v. Relationships With The Sides (Especially Logan)

Another thing I wanted to discuss is the relationships Orange shares with the other sides. The most accepted depiction of Orange shows him distanced from the “Dark” Sides, while also having a crude fascination with Logan. We've discussed enough of how I view Orange in the context of the “Dark” Sides, so I'd like to focus more on what it means for Orange to assimilate with the “Light” Sides, especially Logan.

Because Logan's first to be seen with these orange eyes, many are quick to assume this is an isolated case. Fair enough— we don't have other examples to compare this with. At the same time, I think a lot of people aren't considering the idea that, if we go by the assumption that Orange is connected to states of being, then any other side can also experience the orange eyes. I won't even be surprised if it happens to Roman in this coming season finale.

But is the much entertained idea of Logan being specifically targeted by Orange unfounded? I would say no, not necessarily. The “Dark” Sides and Logan have always had an interesting relationship. Logan in particular is shown to be the side most unbothered their presence. Again, he's the side who argued that no side can actually be categorized as “good” or “bad”. He's the most sympathetic to the “Dark” Sides, but also… isn’t.

There's an explainable contradiction here. Even if Logan is nicer to the “Dark” Sides compared to the others, he also has the reputation of being able to easily and successfully shut down their suggestions. He completely opposed Janus’ side in SVS out of Thomas’ interest. He shut down Remus not once, but twice, to protect Thomas. But that's the thing— he does not shut down the “Dark” Sides’ contributions because he disagrees with them. Moreso, he does it because he thinks that's what Thomas’ wants. For example, he admitted in SVS that even if he wanted Thomas to attend the callback, he still preferred if Thomas attended the wedding instead because he thought that was what Thomas would have wanted.

And, well, we saw how Janus responded to Logan's decision— he was confused. It's like he had trust Logan would vouch for his side. Let's remember the main goal of the “Dark” Sides: to be respected, to break Thomas’ black-and-white thinking, and to get him out of his mental slump. This goal can only be achieved if they restore the balance of want and need lost partially due to Logan's diminishing self-assertion. They know Logan can do something if he lets himself loose. That's why Remus and Janus teased him in the Secret Santa gift exchange about wanting to express his frustrations. That's why, after Logan's outburst in WTIT, Remus says, “Gee, Logan, now you're speaking my language.”

They want Logan in on their plan. For that to begin, they need to make Logan in tune with his own emotional wants and needs, to make him more assertive. Thus, Orange would have to step in. There is merit when fans joke about the “Dark” Sides wanting Logan to go apeshit— it's because it's true. It's because it benefits them.

I can only provide things to consider when it comes to the other sides:

With Patton, think of the point I made earlier about Orange being “bad” emotions divorced from Patton, in a similar way Remus and Roman were created. The main difference between them would be that Patton has more faculty over principles, since Janus has that covered for the “Dark” Sides. While Patton, influenced by Catholic morality, thinks emotions and morals are intertwined, it would make sense for the more cynical sides to view them as separate.

Roman, as aforementioned, may also be susceptible to Orange's influence as the other side tends to hide his emotions from the others. With how the narrative is building up, I won't be surprised if Roman's frustrations with the whole debacle about morals heightens in the finale, especially if something Interesting happens between Thomas and Nico. You can't use Nico as a distraction forever, Thomas. Remember Thomas’ anger at Nico not responding to his messages, remember Chekhov's Gun.

Virgil is an interesting case because he would be more familiar with Orange compared to the others. That begs the question of, is he aware of the “Dark” Sides current goals and plans? My idea is, yes, but only to a certain extent. This can go down many paths. There's the possibility that Virgil was the first part of the plan, but accidentally grew closer with the “Light” Sides before he fully completed it. This explains why he hasn't disclosed the plans to the others, especially since it may incriminate him as someone who was part of that plan. There's the possibility that he knows nothing of the plan, but is familiar with the “Dark” Sides’ antics. Thus, he can't do much but stay suspicious of the sides. Either way, we still don't know enough to conclude how much Virgil knows, but I doubt he would get along with Orange.

I pondered about Janus a little because, if Orange is meant to embody externalization in some form, what does that mean for him, the embodiment of self-preservation and secrecy? I don't have the answer, but while we know the “Dark” Sides have to work with each other, we don't actually know how close Janus and Remus genuinely are with Orange. To be fair, Janus and Remus are complete opposites and they get along fine. I'd definitely prefer it if all of the “Dark” Sides were actually close because it creates such a perfect juxtaposition to the “Light” Sides’ crumbling family.

I also thought Orange and Remus would make interesting parallels as two forbidden versions of feeling and thinking respectfully. Like I said earlier, Remus can only suggest, but he never actually embodies the emotions of wanting to do taboo things. Orange, however, could. No other points except for the ones I mentioned about the “Dark” Sides in the previous bullet.

vi. Long-Term Presence

Originally, this essay would end here and already be posted. I even went through at least half of it for beta reading. Then, Orb started a discussion where they asked what I thought Orange's purpose was, especially since most theories (even the one you're reading right now) are more centered on Orange in the context of the current conflict. There was actually a part I wanted to write during the second segment where I disclosed what I thought Orange would contribute in the grander scheme of things, but I omitted it because it felt too out of place.

I replied to Orb what I was going to write; I thought that Orange was going to be the final push for Thomas to go to therapy, and make Thomas stand his ground more instead of asking the sides for advice every time he has an issue. I've always thought this, especially therapy, was one of the ways the series would end as a whole, because it means Thomas would stop talking to his sides. Or at least, in the way we see him do it in the show. That sounds a bit cynical, I know. Why would I suggest that Sanders Sides end by Thomas cutting ties with the sides?

Well, I'm not. Not entirely. I'm not advocating Thomas does. What I mean is, an underlying conflict to the current conflicts we have now is how Thomas internalizes his problems. This is literally how the series functions. Thomas has a problem, then consults himself about it via the sides. Even c!Joan mentions it in CLBG. This issue of the problem aversion Thomas has would be fine in the former parts of the series, as the things he consulted the sides about were small. But as the series progresses, we're facing issues that call for an entire paradigm shift in morality. Of Thomas putting himself and his friends in the infamous Trolley Problem. Of Thomas facing horrible intrusive thoughts he opts to combat alone.

I once called Sanders Sides a psychological horror because we see how a normal dude's mental health crumbles as he deals with life-changing situations alone. To find a solution for this main, underlying conflict means the show has to end— internalization IS the series’ foundation!

And so Orb suggested the most batshit idea— what if Orange was Thomas’ foil? Not in a sense that confirms the Opposite Sides theory. Rather, Orange, if his role is externalization, is literally the antithesis of how the sides work. As Orb put it, Orange is there to “completely wreck the format”, making Thomas realize that consulting the sides for help has its limits. He has to literally go out and touch grass, talk to his friends about his moral dilemmas, consult a damn therapist. That is what I think Orange's true purpose as a side is.

vii. Closing Statements

In the end, I can't say that everything I've stated in this essay is pure fact, but this is the most educated guess I can give considering what we're given and what we can expect to happen in canon. While most theories I've seen easily pinpoint different issues the sides and Thomas are facing in the series, these theories would then guess that Orange would be the cause of these issues. That's where theories like Procrastination, Repression, Regret, etc. come from. More than anything, I want you to see that Orange acts in response to these issues rather than in tandem with it.

The best advice I can give you when theorizing about Orange is: ask yourself what needs to be seen in the series. Remember, Sanders Sides is a narrative. Episodes will continue to happen past Orange's inevitable reveal. Think of Orange in this context, as his own character with motivations and wants for Thomas. Only then you can make educated guesses about him.

Anyway, thank you for reading my incredibly extensive essay on Orange! Again, my words are not gospel, so if you want to discuss anything further, add onto this post or send me an ask! Please read this post though before you send me anything. And If you enjoyed this, PLEASE reblog, I'd definitely appreciate it! If you want to read more stuff from me, here's a carrd masterlist of Sanders Sides meta I've done. Happy reading!

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #orange sanders #orange side #sanders sides meta #logan sanders #janus sanders #remus sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders

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transflynnscifo · 16 days

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im sure its been talked about already but what i particularly love abt isat is the way it incorporates culture and language with one's sense of identity. theres honestly a LOT i could say on that matter mostly because i take interest in depictions of fictional languages (even if they are not directly shown to the player) but i think ill hold back from going full-rogue with those thoughts now. i think its so fun to see a fantasy video game that indicates the existence of more than 1-2 languages (where in some cases the second language is some ancient one too) it feels extremely refreshing to be directly told there are multiple languages, as well as acknowledging the existence of accents!

from what i understood while playing, everyone shown in game is speaking in vaugardian. there exist dialects of it, given mirabelle and isabeau's accents differ from bonnies. in turn, this confirms to us that odile and siffrin are bi/multilingual. and i dont know, but the way talks of language and accents was presented in dialogue made me feel really excited because its just something that was treated so casually in the text. again its not often you encounter this stuff in video game stories! not to mention pulling this off without even needing to invent a fictional language to show the players!

and of course my favorite aspect of this is the way language affects siffrin in particular. (spoilers & some speculation under cut)

i dont think i need to go into detail how the disappearance of their country affected siffrin. however, the loss of language is the aspect that especially grabs me because there is an implication that the party, and siffrin especially, are not aware of.

you know how they forget words sometimes? his native language got deleted from his memory, so this means he would have trouble working words out together. thats mostly because ppl generally think in one language without being aware of it.

and even if siffrin picked up on vaugardian quickly, keep in mind that they would probably never know vaguardian the same way they knew their native language. and that's because i think his brain unconsciously is still "thinking" in the forgotten language. for example, if you cant recall the word for "stuffed animal" in your native language, what are the chances of remembering it in your second language, which you had to pick up on in the wake of being alone and with no memory of your home? it's actually notable when you try to interact with certain objects in the pottery room in act 5, for example! (does not help that they are also having a really bad time)

sif's case is unique as a bilingual speaker, so i sadly dont feel equipped talking more on it. however, i want to specify that i dont think the loss of language is the ONLY factor contributing to sif's memory problems. moreso that its one of the multiple ingredients that got added in his brain as a result of the country being deleted, essentially

anyway dunno how much this makes sense! ive been awake for a while so sorry if ive phrased myself badly at certain places lol

#woe joystick be upon ye #isat spoilers #woe startiming be upon ye

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syscultureis · 2 months

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Um, I don't really know how to start this, but I don't really know how to um deal with this I guess, I think I have P-DID?

Like, the thing is is that I guess I'm in denial? Like, the thought of having P-DID is distressing but after reading the ICD criteria, it's the only thing that can explain all my (? ours? theirs?) behavior

I mean, I've always been able to notice myself (?) Shift into different personality states (kinda like being conscious but having things like my behavior, my thoughts morphed and changd, like being a puppet involuntarily controlled by an outside force, and i found that it happens during specific situatiobs)

Like I have states that i can define, but they feel like more of a different version of me? Like I'm a robot with different identity knobs which can be switched ig??

I don't really know if I should refer to these states as alters or smth, I've only been able to classify them by the way they control me and my behavior? But I've never heard them, I don't know if they have identies? I don't really have a headspace persay, and the idea of not being the only person in my body is extremely distressing to me (I'm sorry I don't know if this is a rude thing to say or a bad idea to have)

I'm sorry I'm rambling I'm just stressed about the whole thing and I don't know what to do, I can't pursue proper diagnosis due to my family being extremely against therapists, psychiatrists and such, like I don't want to believe it's true but from the research I've done it's quite literally the only possible option, sorry for just writing this all, I don't rly know how to be reacting rn

Honestly your experience sounds pretty similar to ours

In early system discovery, our host at the time described what they were feeling as "I Don't have DID, I just feel like I'm the body of a DID system"

As we did more research, and healing and just general self discovery, we learned more that our current host was aware of cofronting, and co-consciousness, and because they were trying to figure out "what was wrong with them" they were more aware of it than they had been before

It was scary and distressing, and actually did contribute a bit into them going dormant and me taking over (it was not the main reason, the main reason for the host change was personal. But this did add to it a bit)

When I took over I just straight up forgot the previous host was even thinking about that, I had passing thoughts about it (probably from other alters who had realized during that time and wanted me to be aware too)

Things changed the more we became aware of our own system functions, and even now years later we still learn new things

Usually I don't recommend denial, accepting yourself and all your parts (regardless if you're a system or not) is important to being able to thrive and live.

However, if it's causing you distress, there's nothing wrong with stepping back and just letting yourself breathe for a minute. Don't worry about knowing everything about yourself 100% of the time with 100% accuracy

When I started my own questioning, I had to step back from it a few times. This is a disorder that tries very hard to be covert (even if the brain is bad at it sometimes), it's not always going to be easy to figure it out.

But there were also times where I just focused on my system instead of trying to rule out DID completely. If I noticed I felt like someone else was near front, I talked to them. We found personally that talking out loud worked best for us, even if it was just the full fronter translating thoughts into words.

It helped me accept it more, and the idea of having DID became a bit less scary because I was becoming friends with the other alters

This might not work for you, and that doesn't mean you aren't a system if it doesn't, this is just what helped my system

#endos dni #osdd #pdid #did #did system #pdid system #osddid #actually did #traumagenic #actually dissociative

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nekropsii · 1 month

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Also that June post sucked I wrote it on sleep meds at like 6 in the morning I articulated myself like shit. Not an excuse, but it is an explanation.

Further rambling under the cut.

I was trying to make the point that it’s deeply frustrating to me how much of a big deal was made out of it (in a negative sense) and how much harassment ensued especially right in the moment when nothing had even really happened yet and still hasn’t really happened but I said that Badly.

The JKR comparison was not a statement of there being any bigotry present, it’s just literally the only example most people - me included - can think of when talking about an author confirming some kind diversity before it even happens, if we see it at all. I’ll admit part of why I’m so cynical is that I grew up in an era where queerphobic jokes and queerbait were just about the only thing you could get in mainstream media, and everyone would still tout that as if it’s real representation, so I’m always prepared for people to just be lying to me.

So, I see that June gets confirmed in 2019 because someone won a treasure hunt, and we still haven’t really seen her, and I’m just instinctively deeply skeptical it’s even gonna happen. Especially considering we got that fuckin’ Roxy Detransition arc first.

Another sticky point is the canonicity of Postcanon, period. I do not see any works outside of Homestuck proper to be canon, especially not in the way that Homestuck itself is canon. I’ve said this several times on my blog and didn’t feel it worth reiterating but it’s kind of important, especially given the JKR comparison. I think June is awesome, it’s a really cool progression of her character, especially considering Homestuck was once pop culture and she’s the literal main character. But part of why I kept saying it was “literally nothing” was because I was operating under the mindset of “it’s not even canon anyway, why are you harassing people for being excited about it?”. It’s stupid to act like a character or person coming out as trans ruins everything for you in general, but it was especially stupid to me for this to be such a federal fucking issue when basically all we had to go off of at the time was a Tweet, especially in a fandom that proclaims itself to be so progressive, and especially when so many people who were denouncing June as being “not real” due to being in Postcanon got so excited when Roxy was turned into a trans dude. It’s just stupid and unfair and transparent, and I hate it.

The Junecourse situation was super fucking messy and really hard to navigate, and it frustrated me a lot because a lot of people were being kind of silly or even just outright bigoted. It was strange that people got so mad about it, it was strange that some people acted like June was a real person, it was strange that people got badly harassed no matter what they did or said. It was stressful and weird, and it was dumb to me that all that warring and all those lies were circling around a tweet, for the most part, and plenty are still operating under the simple tweet confirmation.

I should acknowledge that there’s apparently more than just the lone tweet now. I’m sure I’ve seen all that before, but I’ve got pretty bad memory issues and, again, I was writing it at 6 am on sleep meds, so it genuinely spaced my brain. That is completely on me and I apologize for contributing to false narratives. The post’s been deleted. I’m not asking for forgiveness or anything, I’m just explaining myself. It was a bad post, but I wasn’t making it out of malice, though I do recognize that in situations like this, intent doesn’t matter nearly as much as actions and impact does. That was a failure on my part. I’ve since deleted it.

I’m apologizing here not because there’s a fire being lit under me or anything - I’m not being pressured - but because this is a genuinely important issue to me. Sadly, I am merely an ally and still in the active process of reading theory, so I lack the general polish one acquires from lived experience and actual real learnedness. Transmisogyny is not a reality I have to live with every waking moment of my life, and as a TME man it is a systemic force that works directly in my favor, so I’m liable to accidentally perpetuate it, even if it’s something I do not believe in personally and am making strides to, for lack of a better, less cringe-inducing term, “be a better ally” about.

TLDR; I fucked up and made a sloppy post that contributed to false narratives surrounding a confirmed Transfem character and the discussion of her online. It sat around 77 notes as of deleting, though most were thankfully just likes rather than there being a whole lot of spread. Still sucks, though, and I’m sorry.

Thank you for reading.

#nekro.txt

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drdemonprince · 9 months

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hi, devon. i’m a very socially anxious white autistic person who has been quite active in protests and some related events and actions the last couple of months. i really agree with your opinions on how white supremacy can shift our focus away from community, but i find it nearly impossible to actively parttake in community. i show up with a mindset of actively contributing but feel paralyzed when faced with the chance. i don’t really know how to make social connections in general, but i so badly want to contribute to community. i think white guilt kinda plays into things as well and that makes me so ashamed and then i spiral. ik it’s a lot but do you have advice on navigating a deep urge and feeling of responsibility (as it pretty much is my responsibility as someone who wants to fight for liberation) but feeling paralyzed whenever a chance to connect actually presents itself? i always end up fumbling and unintentionally rejecting people who try to connect w me as well. i used to be very politically active as a teen but that was through organisations with a lot of structure which enabled me to feel more able. i do whatever actions i can, but being hindered by my inability to form connections makes me worried i won’t be able to end up in the communities that fight for liberation in the long haul. i’m ready to this this for the rest of my life, but not alone.

I understand this feeling so much. Please keep at it. One of the biggest problems with the white supremacy brain disease is that it expects us to do more & more quickly than is reasonable or helpful to expect of a person. So it is very likely you are beating yourself up for not speaking up, for not jumping in to offer help, and for not asserting yourself to the degree that you think that you "should," but in reality many of those efforts would be misplaced or self-defeating if you were to embark on them right now. This is a long journey, and white supremacy culture believes in urgency above all things too, and so it's important for you to give yourself some grace as well as to accept that progress for you will be a long haul, and that's okay.

Many people have told me that becoming even a neutral member of a community as a white person is an uphill battle. So many of our impulses and the social tools that we wield actively destroy community. to learn to become a good community member, we have to listen and learn a lot, and keep showing up, and risk looking foolish, inert, useless, or whatever else we worst fear. If you're not doing much right now but still showing up, you might be a neutral member! That's a good start actually. Keep going.

Also try to keep an open heart and an open mind when people of color or longstanding members of the space challenge you, correct you, playfully tease you, or try to include you, even if it feels embarassing or like an attack -- it isn't an attack, but white supremacy brain will have you thinking that it is. If you read my essay Moments of Protest, I describe a moment like this at the Powwow I recently visited. Indigenous men singled me out, brought me into the dances, included me, taught me the moves, and gave me an award even tho I was doing a miserably bad job -- I was MORTIFIED and the white fragile person inside me wanted to run away and apologize for being so inept and never come there again. Instead, I pushed past my stupid ego and kept dancing and felt incredible gratitude in my heart. This kinda thing happens in a lot of POC-led activist spaces too. People will ask you your opinion, tell you how to contribute, correct you, include you, and it will humble you, and it will be scary at first, but do your best to just stick with it and stay present doing the thing, even if you feel red-faced and guilty. Slowly you will get more used to it and you don't reflexively withdraw or push people away. It took me no joke YEARS to get to this point. I used to flee instinctively or even be mad at people for bursting my self protective bubble. You can work through it.

A lot of my usual distress tolerance building advice also applies here (see my substack for more). But I think that if you are already showing up to actions a lot and are self-aware about it, you are on the right track. You just need to keep going. Attend organizing meetings, not just protests themselves if you can. Contribute your opinion when it is warranted. Don't beat yourself up for being silent sometimes and don't beat yourself up for disagreeing with people or having questions and your opinions. Accept conflict as a healthy form of intimacy and dont run away when a moment gets awkward. Just keep learning and retraining yourself and noticing the love that people show -- by offering food, by making jokes, by acknowledging your presence to make you feel welcome, by allowing you to be there and helping you to be a better version of yourself. we all have a long way to go in this work, but you can do it. you're already doing it! you got this.

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thedragonagebigbang · 1 month

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Bang Creator Interview: Tumblr: @vivispec | AO3: Vivispec

The Collaboration period has begun! In these quiet months before works are due, we want to foster a sense of excitement, camaraderie, and celebration among our participants. To that end, all participants were given the option of a formal interview by our mod, Dema, or an informal “ask-game” survey. We hope you enjoy getting to know our phenomenal creators as much as we have!

Top 10 Reasons You Should Actually Contact The Ex Whose Life You Ruined– Number 1 Will Shock You!

Vivi and Dema talk OCs, Whumptober, and how to write while driving

Dema: Good morning! It is I, Dema, here for our interview.

Vivi: Good morning!

Dema: Since this is a fandom event I'd like to start there! How long have you been involved in the Dragon Age fandom? What drew you to it?

Vivi: I've been into Dragon Age since Origins came out-- I actually have fanfic I wrote for it when I was 12 on my Grandmother's computer, it's very bad-- but I didn't actually start getting involved in the fandom until much more recently. I'm kind of a fandom lurker in general, and didn't start posting fanfic or really engaging in the fandom until about 2022.

As for what drew me to it, the series has held a special place in my heart for a very long time, but playing Inquisition for the first time in 2020 kinda broke my brain (affectionate). I went into a Solasmance blind and have never been the same since

Dema: Oh, I too have the Solasmance hooks in me, I understand. Does that make DA:O and DA:I roughly tied for your favorite? Or do you have a strong favorite?

Vivi: This question is honestly the bane of my existence, because I have so much trouble choosing. DA:O definitely has more nostalgia, but DA:I is the one I engage with and write about the most. I think, if I had to choose at gunpoint, I'd actually say DA:2 is my favorite, but that's by the thinnest and blurriest margin.

Dema: Haha, yes. It's a bit of a "choose your favorite child" question. I will not hold you at gunpoint.

Vivi: Much appreciated.

Dema: Is it Solas in particular that inspires you to write in the DA:I timeline the most?

Vivi: He's definitely a contributing factor, and what started me down that road, but I think my love for writing DA:I is mostly tied to my Inquisitor, actually. She's maybe one of my favorite OCs I've ever made.

Dema: DA is such a great sandbox for OCs. Tell me about your Inquisitor! What makes her a favorite?

Vivi: Her name is Viera'vun, a Dalish hunter. She's a pathfinder more than anything else, incredibly observant, and very down-to-earth once she's settled in as Herald. I love figuring out how a Dalish elf with no exposure to this world she's been suddenly thrust into would react, and how she would keep herself safe-- in Viera's case, she becomes really good at picking up on the little things and using them to her advantage, and standing her ground. One of my favorite things about her is actually the dynamic she has with her hunting partner, Iloniyn-- they're platonic soulmates, one of my favorite tropes to write, and having him there as her rock once he joins her at Skyhold definitely gives her stable footing as she tackles becoming the Inquisitor.

Dema: She sounds lovely, and I can see how those themes would provide a lot of creative inspiration! Dalish Inquisitors in particular have such an interesting dynamic. How do Viera'vun and Iloniyn navigate the religious affiliations of the Inquisition?

Vivi: Viera uses it to her advantage, as best that she can. She doesn't believe in it of course and isn't shy to say so, but when holding her tongue and letting others make their own assumptions would help her out, she's not opposed to begrudgingly doing so. I think the biggest thing is that she knows how, historically, elves have been treated by the Chantry, and that she likely won't be immune to being killed or erased by them. Still, as long as she's around and has power, she's going to use it for her and her people.

Dema: Oh, she sounds so savvy! I love her already. Since we've been discussing OCs, especially in the context of the Dragon Age universe, I'm curious how you go about creating them. For example, was Viera an in-game Inquisitor? Or did you make her specifically for writing with? And was she typical of your process?

Vivi: In general, my OCs start in-game. Even Iloniyn was originally an alt Inquisitor that I fell in love with, and wanted to use in writing! When I replay roleplaying games with some element of character creation, I tend to give my PCs a gimmick so they don't all play the same-- Iloniyn's whole shtick was he didn't want to be there and was very vocal about it, and one of my Warden's always chooses the lie option if it's available to her. Viera was my first playthrough of the game so she didn't have a gimmick. I let the game shape who she was as I played it and tweaked it in post, adding more backstory and personality once I knew the general arc of the story, and where she was going to end up. Then, I did what I do with all of my OCs to flesh them out: drop them into increasingly terrible situations to figure out how they tick! She got the worst of it, I did Whumptober the year I started writing her. 31 days of horror for that poor lady

Dema: Hey, the meat grinder tells us what they're made of!

Vivi: Exactly! You get it.

Dema: Were those mostly one-shots?

Vivi: Yes they were! 60k worth of one-shots. Most were about her, but she definitely wasn't the only one. I even dipped my toes into Ancient Elvhenan for that event, it was a lot of fun filling those prompts!

Dema: Oh wow, 60k in 31 days! So you are no stranger to writing a lot of words in a set timeframe.

Vivi: No stranger at all, though I don't think I have that sort of stamina any longer. Still not entirely sure how I did it. I've done three other Big Bangs since as well, finishing four pieces across them.

Dema: What keeps you coming back to Bangs?

Vivi: I wouldn't finish pieces otherwise. I'm a notorious WIP collector, so having incentive to finish my pieces is always nice. Plus, I love getting to work alongside artists, and see how they interpret what I write! Collaborations make it all feel so much more official.

Dema: Having only participated in Bangs as an artist, I'm so impressed and inspired by the dedication you have to the challenge. It's a big number!

Vivi: Aw thank you, on the opposite side of the event I'm always impressed by the artists and their illustrations! It's amazing what we both are able to do in the timeframe given, thank you for your service.

Dema: I love it! From the artist's perspective, it's an interesting way to engage with a fic as a prompt, and the inspiration comes from the story and the collaborative effort. As a writer, is there anything in particular you're drawing inspiration from as you develop your idea for a long fic like this? Without being too specific about this idea, of course.

Vivi: Honestly, ideas just kinda hit me during my morning commute, while I stare aimlessly at the road ahead of me. Because of that, I tend to record myself talking in the car, despite the fact that I probably look like I've lost it just a little bit. Just talking through my thoughts on where my OCs and the companion characters are or what they're doing during specific times generally gives me a lot to think and write about, but mostly I pull my inspiration from their interpersonal relationships. That is what this series is built off of, and what I love about it!

Dema: I think that is a brilliant strategy. In the last minutes, and just for fun: can you come up with a click-bait title for your fic? Without giving anything major away, of course.

Vivi: Top 10 Reasons You Should Actually Contact The Ex Whose Life You Ruined-- Number 1 Will Shock You!

Dema: HAHA, Perfect. Thank you so much for your time, Vivi!

Vivi: Thank you! This was a lot of fun.

#fandom big bang #dragon age #dragon age fanfic #2024 interviews #writer interviews

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livegastrodonreaction · 4 months

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drops mmj pronounce and queer headcanons and runs

establishing right off the bat that All of Them are lesbians and polyam. so I don't have to individually list that in their bullet points

Minori

she/it/clover transfem agender

aceflux

realized her lesbianism and gender identity from a young age. seeing Haruka for the first time made her realize that she wanted to be a girl and Minori's family has been nothing but supportive. Later on, Haruka was also her lesbian awakening.

also resonates a lot with xenogenders, specifically many of the animal related ones

she is very proud of her queerness, but that pride in its identity was used against her in conjunction with the other things about her that could socially isolate her. like her bad luck, constant enthusiasm and passion for her interests, clumsiness, eccentricity (cough cough neurodivergency cough co- *dragged away*), etc. In my head this would contribute to her, in the past, being that person who everybody knew and said hello to but not many people bothered to stop and really befriend and listen to. Besides her few close friends that were accepting of her quirks (like the girl we see in Dear Me, From Back Then), I think Minori would have been kind of socially isolated - it wouldn't have affected her majorly but it definitely would have influenced her low base level of self-worth and the way she perceives herself. whoops JESUS CHRIST I went on a tangent there huh maybe i'll just make another post about this it lives in my brain

Haruka

they/he transneumasc nby

likes playing around with his gender expression but he still feels a little apprehensive about it. In general, he has trouble being accepting of themselves and their identity both as a lesbian and genderqueer person. It's very tied to his fear of change, his need to keep up a certain image of themselves, and his previous experiences in The Industry. he's come a long way in expressing himself with MMJ's support though!!

wears a binder often. "Yeah, I'm just wearing a binder to further enhance my disguise in public" -> "huh. huh I like this. oh wait. huh."

"I'm probably on the ace spectrum but I have a show in 3 days so I don't really care about that right now"

Airi

she/her transfem

started transitioning from a pretty early age, like Minori

specifically is a femme. the femme label is very precious and affirming for her

demiromantic

i'm pretty sure this is just canon but Airi ties her transness and girl-ness to her idolhood, and worth as an idol, a lot. MMJ is helping her work on undoing this self-damaging outlook on her identity. it'll take a hot minute but she's getting there :)

Sort of bullies Haruka and Shizuku into letting themselves experiment and express themselves freely. Minori then makes sure Airi is following her own advice about this topic.

Shizuku

they/she/fae (+ a whole lot more neos) egogender

They struggled with finding a label for themselves for a while until Minori helped them do more research on the topic. and then she realized that her gender is just. Her. She likes just thinking of her gender as just. being herself :) *I am we are starts playing*

plays with her gender expression A Lot. Like Haruka, but More. she does as a part of discovering herself beyond the image her old agency had forced her into and letting herself express herself more and realized that her perception of how her identity manifests changes quite often. Also like Haruka, she is still nervous and apprehensive about fully going with the flow and expressing herself.

she plays with her gender perception often enough that she's questioned whether she's genderfluid. fae does not have a definitive answer to that yet

Like Minori, also resonates a lot with xenogenders

#proseka #prsk #project sekai #queer hc #lesbian #my sillies....#how would i even tag this #more more jump #hanasato minori #momoi airi #kiritani haruka #hinomori shizuku #aghejenrehrarebhgehghgejghehrbh #theyre very special to me #my headcanons #HAPPY PRIDE MONTH PEOPLE IN MY PHONE!!#pride

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hear-that-music-in-the-air · 7 months

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Ada and Ian Headcanons (Rhythm Doctor)

this got Long As Hell i'm sorry lmao. headcanons under the cut!!

Ada:

- We know that Ian is a radiologist, but I think Ada is probably a general practitioner/primary care physician! If she's canonically a cardiologist (bc heart stuff) then that's my bad lmao. But based on what we see in the game, she doesn't really seem to specialize in anything. She instead seems to have a wide range of medical knowledge and we see her treating a variety of different illnesses/injuries, including Mr. Stevenson's broken leg and Lucky's torn rotator cuff. We know that she's been having to do pretty much everything around the hospital bc they're so understaffed, and primary care physicians usually have fairly extensive medical knowledge covering multiple fields, which I think is what allows her to do that.

- One of my biggest hcs about Ada is that she has a very strained relationship with her parents, and that her parents are also both doctors, though I imagine they're close to retirement by now. However, unlike Ada, they both specialize in highly specific fields like brain surgery or something (I actually do imagine her dad to be a neurosurgeon lmao), and because they're both so successful they have incredibly high expectations of her. They look down on her for choosing to be a GP/primary care physician because they think of that work as somehow less important/less worth her time. They're the kind of people who absolutely have a superiority complex about being doctors and ~saving lives~. Also definitely not the kind of people who should have had kids. They're distant at best and extremely judgmental and condescending at worst.

- Ada has one younger sister who's six years younger. Because their parents were always so busy with their careers, Ada basically grew up taking care of her sister, which definitely contributed to her mentality of feeling responsible for everyone all the time. Her sister moved out of their parents' house as soon as possible and is currently attending college somewhere far away, but she and Ada still keep in touch. Ada being an eldest daughter just makes too much sense to me lmao

- I like to think that Ada is an extremely affectionate person by nature. But because of growing up with emotionally distant parents, she doesn't ever really expect for that affection to be returned, especially from Ian who's not very outwardly affectionate most of the time. So when he does go out of his way to express affection it means a lot to her :)

- Because of the way her parents are, I think she kind of has an unconscious mentality of "no one is ever going to love me as much as I love them." She also struggles with people-pleasing tendencies (taking on more work than she can handle, having difficulty saying no to people) and self-esteem issues. So whenever someone goes out of their way to show her love, it kind of catches her off guard lol

- Ada's primary love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation (I'll explain this more below lol). She's REALLY big on physical touch—Ian generally does not like physical touch and one of the only people he tolerates/enjoys it from is Ada. Though I definitely think acts of service is one of her love languages too, as seen in Middlesea College Life. I simply think that she has so many love languages because she's FULL of love

- I imagine Ada as someone who feels her emotions very strongly, and who is generally just a highly emotional and empathetic person. Her empathy makes her good at connecting with the patients, but it also means that she feels everything so much all the time and it can be overwhelming for her sometimes. She’s undoubtedly very intelligent, but I think she’s still very much a heart over head type of person. She also cries pretty easily, though she has to try her best to keep it under wraps at work. The list of movies that make her cry is extensive, which Ian lovingly teases her for.

- Ada is extremely nearsighted and can't see much at all without her glasses. Because of this one of her favorite jokes is saying “I’ve seen enough” and taking her glasses off lmao

- Courtesy of @nightmun: Ada earnestly loves dad jokes, puns, and anything similar. Ian gets her a joke book as a gift once and regrets it immediately.

Ada, incredibly excited: IAN WHAT DOES A LEMON SAY WHEN IT PICKS UP THE PHONE

Ian: …what?

Ada: YELLOW!! *WHEEZE*

Ian: <:)

(this is the fifth one she’s told him today)

Ian:

- Ian’s mother is a single mom and his dad left when he was ten, hence why Ian is currently the only one taking care of her. Ian was also an only child. I imagine he and his mom are very close since it’s just been the two of them for so long, so her illness has really been taking a toll on him.

- Ian is bilingual and speaks Mandarin! I don’t think he has a canon ethnicity in-game (though please correct me if I’m wrong), but I’ve been thinking of him as Chinese Canadian, in line with @pokeblog123’s headcanon that Middlesea is in Canada. I imagine he and his mom speak Mandarin at home sometimes.

- I think Ian probably did robotics and/or coding as hobbies in high school and college! We know that he’s insanely tech-savvy, and he seems to have quite a talent for programming. In that same vein, another one of Ian's hobbies is buying old/vintage video game consoles from garage sales, on eBay, etc. and taking them apart to see how they work, sometimes also restoring them if he can.

- I know this is a pretty popular hc already but I think Ian is autistic/generally neurodivergent lol. I do try to write him with this in mind

- Related to that, Ian struggles with social cues to a certain degree, and subsequently has more trouble connecting with the patients than Ada. His little character card says he’s “better with computers than people” and I think this is probably because people are just difficult for him to read. Computers are much simpler; they’re predictable and generally do what they’re programmed to do. People are a lot more complicated. I do think he’s learned to read Ada fairly well simply because he’s known her for so long

- Ian's primary love language is acts of service/gift-giving. He struggles with physical touch and with verbalizing his feelings so he shows his love by doing things for people instead (which was part of the inspiration for my fic "Helping Hand"). If he goes out of his way to do something for you, that’s how you know he really cares. He's an actions over words type of guy :)

- Ian can be very blunt and straightforward, as we see in the game, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care. We know from game dialogue that he regularly encourages Ada to take breaks and is generally concerned for her wellbeing, and we can also infer that he worries a great deal about his mother. He definitely cares, he just has different ways of showing it.

- Ian normally doesn’t cry very easily and he also doesn’t like to cry in front of other people, but my hc for why he cried at the Stevensons’ reunion is because it reminded him of his own sick mother, who’s been alone ever since his dad left. He’s usually not one to cry in public but that just got to him. I like to think that Ada checked up on him afterwards.

(ACT 5 SPOILERS)

- Although he doesn't really show it, I think Ian probably feels a certain amount of guilt for everything that's happened with Connectifia Abortus, especially now that it's been revealed that the virus originated from the system he created. He knows that the rhythm defibrillator system could put the patients in danger if the virus keeps getting worse, and he's been working day and night to try to fix it. Of course, Edega's demand for a "miracle cure" at the expense of caution and safety certainly isn't helping matters. Given that Ada also needs treatment on occasion, one of Ian's biggest fears is that Ada will get hurt because of the virus (and, he thinks, because of him).

BOFA THEM:

- I think Ada was Ian's first, and possibly only, good friend at college. I imagine they met through their shared classes and Ada was one of the only people who made a point to talk to him. After that she sort of just stuck around, much to Ian’s initial surprise. He had always struggled with making friends and he was hesitant to open up to her at first, but her persistence and genuine sincerity eventually won him over. Now they’re best friends :)

- I've seen other people say that they were probably roommates at some point in college/med school and I definitely think so too. I'm sure they pulled a lot of all-nighters together lol

- Once Ada and Ian became close friends, I like to imagine that she also got to know Ian's mother. She's always gotten along with her very well, and because her own parents were so distant, Ada came to think of her as somewhat of a parental figure. When Ian's mom first got sick and started requiring intensive care, Ada insisted on helping out with anything they needed.

- What I was referencing above about Ada and physical affection: I think Ada might be somewhat touch-starved because of my headcanon that her parents aren't very affectionate people. She craves physical touch and words of affirmation because she never got much of that from her parents. Once Ian figures this out, he tries his best to do those things for her even though it doesn't come as naturally to him (as in like, he’s normally not one to initiate hugs but he’ll give Ada a hug if he can tell that she needs it).

- Ian’s pragmatism balances out Ada’s bleeding-heart altruism, and vice versa. I think over years of friendship they’ve learned to appreciate the other’s perspective and find a middle ground, though of course that’s not always possible in high-stress medical situations.

- Ada doesn’t really understand anything about the online games that Ian plays, but she probably uses gamer lingo incorrectly on purpose just to annoy him lmao

- Unrelated to anything but I think one of their favorite pastimes is hate-watching Grey's Anatomy together and making fun of all the medical inaccuracies (I’ve never watched Grey’s Anatomy but I’ve heard there are many). Despite this they’re both low-key invested but neither of them wants to admit it lol

Anyway I love them. In my mind they are besties who get married for tax benefits. Thank you for your time if you read this far lmao

#rhythm doctor #ada paige #ian rhythm doctor #act 5 spoilers #hi. i’m so normal #a good number of these are things that i’m either actively writing fics about or want to write about in the future #unfortunately school is keeping me busy so have this in the meantime #augh. i love them #honestly i can enjoy them as platonic or romantic or anything in between. i just think they belong together in any capacity #Do Not Separate Them #paian #<— for the paian lovers. target audience tbh we are shaking hands 🤝

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ultra-raging-ghost · 10 months

Text

Okay so like.... im trying to visualize bbh's library indexing concept in my mind in relation to the desert so stick with me here

rambles under the cut

Okay so in my mind, im viewing his memories (in relation to the desert) as the buildings that he passes by in the beginning sequences

the temple he's been at is definitely supposed to symbolize the eggs (im going based off the bed in dappers room being present in this temple, along with other things it just seems obvious) , they're his tether to his memories as we see played out right in front of us but why is that?

Well im imagining the desert as an area that is able to be mapped out, an area that is supposed to be mapped out. And maybe the mind cubito navigates the desert with said map.

We've established that the poisoned water he drank in the first sequence is from that one myth about how drinking the water in the afterlife is supposed to wipe someones memories after death. I'm envisioning this as the water washing away the map's ink. Maybe not literally, but its wiped away bad's map around his mind, and he's gonna have to re-map everything all over again.

As an immortal i think hes implied that hes done that before, but maybe it wasnt as difficult as it was this time because this time he's actively resisting the reset, and what comes with that is the persisting damage from his body being inflicted on him.

So on top of a mental reset, he's very likely got brain damage and definitely has radiation damage, which would also contribute to the brain damage. He is struggling to remap his memories that hes so desperately clung to.

He's found one thing (the temple(the eggs)) that ground him, and hes clinging hard to that. He's refusing to leave the temple, and i kinda have a theory as to why that is.

I am a person who knows where things are in relation to other things, and i think right now thats what bad's dealing with. In his mind desert, there are vast empty swaths of land between memories, and he knows where things are in relation to this temple, but he doesnt know where they are in general.

Do you??? Understand what im getting at here????

Maybe he doesnt know that hes supposed to be mapping, hes confused as to why he doesnt know where anything is. He doesnt know theres supposed to be a fucking map, whats a map? HE DOESNT KNOW!!!! HE HAS BRAIN DAMAGE!!!

and hes too fucking afraid to leave the eggs to figure the shit out, hes too afraid to leave the temple so hes experiencing using the eggs as like this crutch, the eggs are with him constantly so its not an unreasonable crutch to have but like!!!!! we've seen!!! when the eggs arent with him!!!! hes just GONE!!!!!

HES GOTTEN WORSE!!!!! the eggs being back have somehow made him WORSE hes no longer having lapses of memory when theyre not around, he consistently and continuously remembers FUCK ALL when an egg leaves his sight. We saw it today the MOMENT pomme and dapper left his sight he was just GONE there wasnt a buffer there wasnt a moment where he remembered anything, he was just head motherfucking empty

and hes honestly kinda worse than that!!!! Hes still not remembering absolutely everything around the eggs, so theyre not even helping as much as they should be!!

my head hurts i mightve lost the plot halfway thru this was such a shitty rant, but its 3 am and im gonna probably make 3 more posts in this vein tomorrow

#qsmp #q!bbh #rambling #theories #please tell me this makes sense to anyone else #i WILL make visuals.#i will make visuals and i will fucking POST THEM #bbh desert theory

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candyskiez · 4 months

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Hi!!!! I really love reading your thoughts about mob psycho!!! If you don’t mind me asking, do you have any thoughts on how shigeo might navigate being plural post confession arc? Do you see him telling his family or friends about it, maybe?

Hi I have been saving this ask because I wanted to think about it and make a good response! Thank you! Oh my god this is one of my favorite things to talk about in mp100. You have awoken The Beast. First imma talk about some background shit to lead where I'm going. Hold on just trust me. I'm talking plural shigeo in general. Trust me. We will get there.

I feel like ..okay. I feel like honestly at first Shigeo didn't realize they were plural either. I'm sprinkling my own experiences in here, I feel like for them switching isn't really cut and dry. The body being Mob feels about the same as being Shigeo, they just have different opinions and personalities. I don't know how to explain what I mean to a non system. Shigeo and Mob both thinking of each other as The Fake One really reminds me of my own experience with plurality. I feel like for a while Mob felt like his personality was always changing and he didn't have any hobbies and he had no self at all meanwhile it was like. Buddy there are people in your brain. Y'know. He had that. He didn't realize those were other people. The autism and plural combination is wild because BOTH will contribute to that. But I'm getting off topic whoops. What I'm trying to communicate is for a while Shigeo didn't realize they were plural either. He'd get mad at things "he" would do, not knowing why he'd agreed to go to a job with Reigen despite not wanting to (Mob had wanted to, Mob wasn't around right now), he for a while didn't realize he Wasn't Mob. So I feel like that's something that should be considered yk, he's...for a while he kidna lived his life as like.why the fuck did I act like that. That's not who I am. Why did I agree to that. And realizing he WAS plural made him feel worse because Mob just! Shut him out completely and he couldn't do anything so like. He's very used to just aggressively snapping at anyone who Exists. So like. All of this is important to keep in mind y'know. Okay I'm getting to post canon now. Sorry. I have thoughts.

Shigeo is trust issues central. He doesn't think any of this will end well, he is CONVINCED everyone hates him. He's still pissed at Mob for ignoring him, and at Reigen for lying, and at Teru for almost killing him, and now he has to try and change his entire world view. He's existed as just...the protector for so long. He doesn't know how to respond to threats or stress in ways that don't involve attacking them, be it physically or verbally. He is used to stress coming from danger, so if he's stressed he instinctually responds like there's danger. I feel like for a while he's an asshole tbh, not because he's Bad but because he is a traumatized child who's trying to defend himself and feels like he's one wrong move away from everyone hating him and trying to keep him trapped again and he reacts accordingly. He's uh. Not behaving very healthily for a while, but he's gonna get there.

I think Shigeo doesn't really know who he is outside of his differences from Mob. Like that's how he identified himself. When asked about his identity in the manga (or at least in the translation I read that could've been dead wrong lol sorry) he says "I'm Ritsus older brother." Like. He has no real sense of who he is outside thinking he's more real and authentic than Mob and his relationship with Ritsu. He's never really gotten any hobbies or wants or goals. What even was his plan for after he asked out Tsumobi? Just...stay like that?? What was he gonna do? I maintain he was having a breakdown and not thinking rationally at all. He had no goddamn plan. I'm sorry I'm getting sidetracked. Point is man has no sense of identity. He's kind of working with nothing. He has no idea who he is and everything feels like there's Nothing here for him. No wonder he was so hopeless like Jesus Christ.

Re Shigeo's hobbies. I think he'd like to cook. That is all.

I feel like. Reigen needs to work on his lying for Shigeo, because Shigeo is so distrustful and scared all the time and feeling like he's being deceived in any way sends him into a panic. He has so much baggage around being lied to. I feel like his constant stress level only starts to go down once Reigen works on his lying and the other people in his life work on being honest with him too. Shigeo can be an asshole but so much of it comes from knee jerk fear response you know. It's not for no reason he is constantly fucking terrified. Also Shigeo needs to be able to spend time with Reigen outside of a job to be able to trust him. Y'know. It'll take a bit.

I think Shigeo and Dimple get along great. Shigeo was willing to listen to Reigen because of Dimple specifically. Also like. Dimple calls Shigeo on his shit when he's about to rampage without going "you monster", it's "you need to calm down before you make a bad decision" and that helps him so much more. Dimple can calm Shigeo down very well I think. Also Shigeo lets him possess him and he's the I Don't Trust Anyone guy. If that's not trust I don't know what is. I feel like he gravitates towards spending time with Dimple at first? He's familiar and he's seen him go batshit without running away so like. He's probably fine. That logic will take ages for him to apply to the others but. It's a start! But then again I do feel like the divine tree arc lead to that breakdown a lot so. Hmm. Thinking. "I'm still mad at you, Dimple." While he looks at him with exhausted eyes. He's the only person Shigeo actually trusted enough to LISTEN to Reigen for. Like holy shit. I think it's because Dimple was Honest about his shitty intentions. He could acknowledge he wanted to use him and that he was a shitty person. He lets him around him because Dimple will actually be honest about his shitty intentions , so it's safer in his eyes. So if Dimple says he's worried, he means he's worried. He can believe him because he was honest about what he wanted. Hey do you hear me. Hey. I love dimple guys. Can anyone hear me. Shigeo dimple friendship. Hello. Hello. He

Shigeo and Ritsu have a lot to work on. Shigeo has so much trauma feeling like he's Inherently Bad but Ritsu has trauma too. They gotta learn to talk out their problems better and it takes time. I feel like Shigeo,, hmm. I feel like the most likely option is Shigeo blurting the fact he's a system out but also I feel like it'd mean more if he CHOSE to tell him that after a while of healing. I don't know how he'd go about saying it. He might just go "Oh, you're not talking to him (Mob) right now. Sorry." And Ritsus fucking Baffled before he makes a Very clumsy explanation. Interesting conversation! I think like. Shigeo's massive care for Ritsu to the point he considers how much he cares about him a core part of his identity mixed with his fear that Ritsu doesn't love him is uh. Something they need to talk about.

I feel like. Shigeo has some complicated feelings on his family in general. And I feel like Shigeo feels like he was robbed of the chance to be close to his family by Mob, but he doesn't actually know how to get close to them now. He just feels like a stranger in his own house, like he's completely unwanted. He just ... Doesn't know how to go back to existing without acting like Mob. He doesn't know how to bond with his family. It's messy , man. He was in Brain Jail for four years. He has to relearn how to be around his family. Me and a friend talked about him cooking with his mom to bond. In my heart the Kageyama parents become more involved in their kids lives after confession because God they need to talk to them. I don't know how or if Shigeo will tell them he's a system. It might be similar to Ritsu just kind of nervously sliding the information actually you got the wrong guy haha over the table. He has no idea how to communicate. He's getting there.

Also I will say this very quickly. Takenaka and Shigeo besties agenda. They would love quipping off of each other I think. They would get on so damn well. They're besties. Listen to me. I dunno how they'd meet but they'd be so cool.

Anyways. Yeah ! I hope this was worth the wait SO sorry about the wait haha , my bad. Life Happened. Thank you SO much for the ask, I loved it.

#mp100 #mp100 spoilers #plural mob #candyskiez asks #candy meta

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zahri-melitor · 3 months

Note

Gail Simone for the comic writer thing?

Gail! As you probably noticed I disappeared back into brainrot here but let's rate all of these:-

7. Secret Six 2006: I simply think this is the most uneven of the three preboot Secret Six runs. I still enjoy it, but it doesn't make my brain itch quite like the others do.

6. Batgirl 2011 #1-34: While I have full respect for Simone taking on this project, and there are definitely aspects of this run I like, it's unfortunately also Babsgirl post-Oracle. One of the things that I go back and forth about in this run is that Simone, quite realistically, makes Barbara have some difficulties with skills and approach due to being back in the field, given she's been behind the computer for years and while I love the concept, it unfortunately also makes Barbara a more incompetent vigilante when set beside any of the boys. Down to Damian. And that irritates me in terms of messaging and what it allows people to say about Batgirl as a character.

5. Birds of Prey 2010 #1-13: There are aspects of this run I really enjoy and the Shiva v Dinah fight that was prevented by HELENA stepping in to challenge Shiva so that Shiva didn't need to fight Dinah yet, and Shiva stopping the fight midway through to put it on 'hold' for later gives me incredible levels of brain rot. However. There are runs I love even more!

4. Secret Six 2008: Gail Simone gets to play with every villain she wants to her hearts content and have them conflicted over if they're doing good, doing bad, being heroes, being antiheroes being villains, betraying each other, saving each other, and makes them all queer coded. I swear she came up with the entire premise as she wanted DC to pay her for some of her messier fic ideas and she somehow got an ongoing out of it because of the portion of her committed fandom who also went "yes please".

3. Villains United 2005: This is so gay. So extraordinarily gay. It also has a plot that contributes to Infinite Crisis I guess but essentially it's just Gail Simone writing herself as much queer coding as possible while she slams her supervillain action figures together and goes 'and then they kissed'. This is pure Gail Simone shipper on board id stuff and I for one adore it, because among other things it's actually messier, queerer and weirder than confirmed stuff is generally allowed to be (I am not even going to touch on the sexuality stuff built into Ragdoll and Parademon's friendship). Just slightly ahead because it's so concentrated and such a perfect encapsulation of how fandoms expected to read queerness into media characters in the mid 2000s.

2. Wonder Woman 2006 #14-44: There's a reason that Simone's in my list of top Wonder Woman runs. Just...ahhhhh. Simone's happy to glory in the mythology of DC and Wonder Woman and roll around in ideas she's clearly been thinking about for years and it comes through really well.

1. Birds of Prey 1999 #56-108: God I adore this run. Simone takes Dixon's extremely good concept, shakes it up a bit going "well, women DO tend to have friendship groups not just a single friendship; most don't actually hate other women for being in their niche". She takes a very multifaceted relationship (Barbara and Helena's rivalry) and works the two of them through it, with trip ups along the way in both directions, to best friends. She plays more with the concept of Barbara selecting the best team for the job and mixes up lineups more often, and pulls characters in from all over. She just gives the entire concept more depth.

#dc ask meme

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chickpea0 · 6 months

Text

Going to be real for a sec, just thinking outloud because I know this is a safe place and I need to get thoughts out. Veeerry long! Not a vent just a brain dump. do not bother reading this unless youre really reallyyy into biographies lol this is literally 1,915 words

I'm stuck inbetween minds at the moment. I keep asking myself if regression, or dreaming, isn't really for me. I found agere and petre when I was very young, about 14; it piqued my interest because I'm a very curious person, interested in different lifestyles and ways to explore the self but I also think that because I was just coming out of childhood even though I thought my childhood had ended years before. I was just growing out of being a tween and at that stage in life, it's really startling going from childhood to seemingly adulthood overnight and it's quite natural and common for people to want to cling onto things when everything is being shaken up like that.

Intamacy with people, vulnerability and emotional closeness is always somethign I've struggled with and felt like it was just out of reach so the idea of allowing myself to be back at a stage where I was raw, authentic and less closed up was really really appealing. Plus, the idea of people understanding that and guiding me and just being around me would mean they *really* like me and they're not just there because they have to be, even though I've never had a caregiver though I have had like 2 online friendships where I could be baby around them which felt quite good but I never quite felt satisfied. probably because it was online and neither laster over 3 months. I'm practically always masking and the idea of being weird (I mean this without negative connotation) and expressive really sounded amazing. I have also always always always wanted to be apart of a community but I just never have. No clubs or hobbies that made me feel welcome growing up, no proper friend groups that made made me feel at home, I think I've been in a lot of fandom/online community spaces just because I wanted to feel apart of something though because I was never able to contribute it just felt like a one-way mirror.

So!! I find a lovely community like this! With a focus on mental health, togetherness, working through things and taking time to appriciate things, it's great! I love you guys! I can even make moodboards and little posts and I have a cg blog and a slightly bigger blog where I help boost creators on here. I have mutuals!!!!! People follow me!!! We talk on tags and comments!!! I feel like I have insider knowledge and experience because I've had a lot of oppertuinty to reflect on life and mental health and even on regression itself. But thing is I do not regress often at all. When I do it's for split seconds. When I'm really sleepy, when I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable, if I'm having a weird spacey day. I'm not sure if it's more dissociation or a sudden wave of emotion or what. I think I'm just generally an immature person some times. I haven't grown up yet, I'm only an adolescent. It's not something I want to force because forcing things like this, especially if it is dissociation, can be pretty bad for your brain. Age dreaming is a different thing though.

For me I'm between a rock and a hardplace. I do not feel like I regress organically enough to be on here nearly as much as I am. I'm so tense that I feel like I can't relax or open up enough to enjoy even age dreaming. Brainfog, sure! But it's not regression. I also do not want to edge too far and go into maladaptive nostalgia terratory. I feel, lately, like I kind of need to say goodbye and thank you to my childhood but it's over now and that doesn't have to be a bad thing. I think there's such a focus- everywhere online not just here- on "how good" the old days were. People making heart wrenching nostalgia edits with slowed minecraft music and ambient noise just to rake in veiws and to pull at your own heartstrings. It's natural to seek solace and yearn for something that was so familiar and safe especially at a time where not only is daily life changing for the individual but also for society at large. But rose tinted glasses are not accurate and can be dangerous. Nostalgia should be something that makes you feel light and refreshed. When you hear a song that you haven't heard in years and go 'oh! I remeber! I remember what my brain was like back then' and smile and move on. Maybe taking inspiration from it.

But.

I feel like my nervous system is so fried that making any progess is really draining and proper healthy coping mechanisms never seem to stick. I also feel very isolated, having no irl friends at the moment and not having any purpose like education, work, volonteering, passions, whatever. These are all things I have experienced for well over a decade which is... obviously a very large chunk of my life so far. So I really do need something to fill my life with, a familer space with familiar ideals and stuff. You guys are great. You have such refreshing takes and it just feels so calm and kind here. At the end of the day despite feeling a bit repetative at this point for me, I do enjoy looking at life through this lense. This place has not changed much at all since I started my blog in 2021. It's honestly one of the most consistant things in my day to day life! God. even the streets are changing but it's nice to know I can log on here if I need some reliability.

And thing is, I don't know if it's related to my ASD or my trauma or lack of experience in the world or none of those but I just feel a few steps behind my peers. They are all acting on their life plans or getting out and being social or enjoying new relationships. And I'm perfectly fine taking things at my own pace and growing in my own way but I just don't fit in really. I genuinely feel like I'll hit my stride in my mid twenties or older. Not because I'll have more qualifications or be high up in a career, I just feel like that is when I'll really start knowing and feeling like myself. That's the age when people generally start to figure things out. Basically, I like it here because I feel like I'm in a more similar life state. my focus is on getting through the day and making my own steps. I'm fine as long as I'm growing even if I'm burnt out lmao. Healing for over a decade drains you and I feel like my mental capacity is so small at the moment because of it. Like. I can't pick up a book or a new hobby or a job whatever because ALL of my bodily, mental, spiritual, emotional energies are going into mending and stuff. I feel like a 29 year old preschooler lol. 5 o'clock shadow and a sippy cup. haha. I like it here because it's like easy mode. it's like a holiday for your brain.

I'm honestly not sure what the point I started off with was. I have sooo many thoughts swirling in my head. At the end of the day I feel so burnt out and like I said, with such a small bandwidth that I feel like even regressing or dreaming or even just thinking about it is too much. Like. I used to cope and regulate by imagining scenarios in my head, like fanfics in my brain when I needed a little comfort but now I just can't! I can't imagine myself with a dream job or in a fantasy world or kissing someone cute, I just don't have it in me. It's not like I'm super low or anything, I'm actually generally pretty stable at the moment. I think what I want right now is to not feel alone. I don't want a relationship per se, not sure if it'd be fair to start something with someone but having a nice social circle would be a big relief. I can't remember ever really... having that. I guess I'm esoteric, with a full plate. I had a nice group of friends in college for about 2 years but thats dead now, we got on each others nerves at the end. But it was nice while it lasted. Imaging having a caregiver or being one is one of the only ways I can barely scratch that itch of wanting to rely on someone. Like. It's so deep at the moment, wanting comfort and all that, that "normal" soloutions to that just don't hit hard enough. Like I could imagine having a really nice friend group but irl I would need to be in a healthy friendship for quite a while before it started fulfilling that need, so imagining someone coddling me like I am a child, like I am something to be cherished, not just valued but cherished, that hits harder. thats nicer to think about. also also also co regulation + company is something i really desire.

I feel like I am so entwined with this community, more than anything else these days. It's sort of got a grip on me. and i dont know how i feel about that. none of you guys know me. i have mutuals, nice mutuals and people who are in my notes but none of you actually know me. i think maybe this place is more of a fantasy than a reality for me. and that tells me i need to distance myself but what else do i have?

I've tried taking a break before, you might remember, it only ended up being a few months but it was nice to come back.

right thats basically it. I assume if you've made it this far, seeing as I'm not even writing to anyone I'm just emptying my brain, I assume you're a very curious person. Someone who likes to feel involved. Like meeee. If anyone has any advice or sage wisdom or anything you want to say at all, please go ahead. This post is basically a bunch of thoughts with little resolve. This isn't really something I want to bring up with my therapist because onneee, I'm embarrassed, twwwooo she has most likely no idea of what age regression this, in this context. like. the age regression they talk about in regard to mental and psychological contexts, its pretty different to all this. anyway. i have other things in therapy to talk about lol maybe one day ill bring up that i feel like a small child in certain situations but let her lead that conversation. ah so.

yeah like. yeah. hi. if this resonates, im glad you found that. yeah. yeahhh i dont know. i have a lot of stuff going on. nothing in my life is straight forward. hence the... want to simplify things. I'm really tired now, wow!

to conclude, I'm a baby not necessarily a regessor. I'm running on fumes. i have a weird relationship with agere and im very hot and cold about it. goo goo ga ga but also i want to be respected and seen as a capable adult. i need a hobby. i need to rest but blehhhhh.

Here's a puppy as a treat for reading it all

#my biography guys #babbling #this probably has so many spelling errors and typos but im not going to run this through a spell checker because its basically just #brain dump

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permanentlyexhaustedpigeon88 · 3 months

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So after the final round of chemo before a month-long break, I have some…thoughts.

Definitely don’t feel like you have to read below the cut!

I can hardly believe how quickly time has flown! It’s already been a little over six months since my diagnosis, but there was another half of a year prior to that of symptoms. It’s been like a night and day difference in so many more ways than just physical, though, and I really think I can use this as a sort of divider for my life, as cliche as that may sound. The 'then', and the 'now'.

Then, not only was I dealing with chronic cough, insane levels of fatigue, progressively worsening shortness of breath, and a general lack of motivation to do anything, fun, or otherwise, but I was also fighting a pretty significant battle against my own mind. Some of my mutuals may already be aware of just how far into the “pits” I’d traveled, but it was like I couldn’t get anything right. My viewpoint was that, generally speaking, anything and everything bad that happened to me, I somehow deserved. I was nothing but a giant burden on everyone I’d ever met, and anyone with two brain cells to their name would wise up, eventually, realize that, and leave. It was a mindset that got in the way of many friendships and familial relationships, and I was pushing people away left and right.

If you are one of those people, and you are reading this now? I am nothing if not sincerely sorry for putting you through that. But I hope that, if you’re still around, you can see how honestly I am trying to change.

(We’ve come to the ‘now’ stage, by the way. Just in case you were curious.😉)

Now, it’s like I’ve received a well-deserved (and much-needed) slap in the face.

January 18th, aka diagnosis day, came and went, and rather than see this as yet another thing that I “deserved” for being such an inferior and unworthy person, it’s like everything started to shift. I hadn’t made any conscious effort on my part (that I was aware of, anyway). It just sort of…happened. Anxiety wasn’t even a thing. I met with my doctors and the rest of my care team in the hospital, we put together a care-plan, and that was that. I was moving forward, ready to fight, and yes, I was reeling (still am, occasionally), but it was like I was finally able to put every last ounce of that worry on something else. Or rather, someone.

God.

Prior to all of this, I’d always kind of scoffed at the sentiment of “If God brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it.” My negative vibes just couldn’t grasp it, or at least they couldn’t, as far as it might ever pertain to me personally. For years (read: 35 of them!) I hadn’t been ready to give up the rigid level of control I tried (and failed) to exert over every possible aspect of my life. And I think this was finally the one thing that I realized wouldn’t work with that frame of logic. It just…couldn’t.

Hearing from my primary care physician, who is the one who sent me to the ER to kick-start the diagnostic process in the first place that if I’d waited any longer, I likely wouldn’t have survived at all, only added to the mental booty-kick that I so desperately needed, and now?

It’s like coming that close to death was all that I needed to become a completely different person.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have my negative thoughts. I give in. I’m only human. But by and large, I’m much less anxious. My first conclusions on a situation aren’t always negative like they were, before. I can look at myself in the mirror, and still not be 100% happy with the reflection, but it’s not to the point where I fully believe I have zero value anymore. I know I can contribute to society, and my relationships, in a positive way, and I am determined to try my very best to do so from here on out.

There’s still a potentially long road ahead of me. In August, I go back for more scans, to determine if any of the original tumor is left, and if there is, more treatment will be on the table at that point. I understand that, side-effect wise, I may not get as lucky as I was this past time, where a bit of fatigue for a few days will be the only thing that goes “awry.” But now, I can look to those moments with acceptance and hope, rather than dread and fear. That makes absolutely all of the difference in the world.

My doctors have me. God has me. And really, that is all I need.

Lastly, to all of those who witnessed my attempts at pushing them away—who saw every last bit of the ugly that was my attitude a year ago and before—THANK YOU. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for staying. For being patient, when you could have (and maybe should have) just walked away. I will never be able to repay your kindness, but I am hopeful that I can at least make a concentrated attempt to start!

#text post #pigeon rambles #life journey #christian faith #tw: cancer #cancer #chemotherapy #it's amazing how much a year can change #or rather how much God can change #seriously blown away #and more grateful than I'll ever be able to put into words

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philtstone · 10 months

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22 (kisses on head) Sam Wilson & dealer's choice

its been 84 years & i finally finished writing this .... inspired by life events bc apparently thats how most of my fatws stories seem to work these days. also shoutout to @foolgobi65, my bestie and co-middle aged fictional man. miss u so much, praying that in 1 month i will be a 60 dollar flight away from u, etc etc

It takes Sam a few tries to make the call.

Okay, so maybe that's hypocritical of him. It's okay to reach out to people when you need 'em, Buck. I'm here if you need to talk about anything, B. You know avoiding the world won't make anything easier, man.

Yeah, yeah -- so Sam's sometimes a textbook example of do as I say, not as I do. His sister would be the first to remind him of this, loudly and annoyingly. Recently, Bucky's taken to agreeing with her -- loudly and annoyingly, after he's given Sam a mildly amused eyebrow at the liberal shortening of his already short nickname -- but it's hard to remember that, and the general cross bleeding of their lives over and across like veins, when he hasn't seen Bucky in a month and their texts have been few and far between.

Not for any nefarious reason or anything. Sam's just been busy. Sitting in interminable meetings with assholes. Getting asked inane leading questions about his stance on global politics. Trying to push through the legal work of actually getting clean water to multiple places in literal first world nations. Bull-fuckin’-shit, Sam thinks. There is perpetual grit behind his eyes. The urge to dangle senators by their ankles from the top of multi-story buildings is real. He and Bucky did that a couple times, in the early days, but then Rhodey got in trouble because of it, so they agreed to ease off for a bit. So now Sam hasn’t even got that as an outlet, and it’s on him to figure out this messed up world for everyone else 'cause for every person who seems to care to try it, there are hundreds more who couldn't give a shit. He needs a vacation. Or a reset. Something to remind him what being Captain America is really about.

And Bucky's -- well, he's definitely not retired, but Sam thinks he deserves some peace and quiet, after everything.

The phone rings a fifth time. It's two in the morning. Sam sits in the dark quiet of his hotel room and is about to swipe end call and just content himself with a short text hey man, how's it going? when suddenly the call connects.

Sam squints.

"Why am I looking at a weird corner of your ceiling?" he asks, before his tired brain can catch up to the possibility that maybe something is deeply, horribly wrong, and there are bad guys there, and their mutual worlds are about to end for the twentieth time.

Then Bucky's forehead pops up from behind the kitchen counter.

“Sam, hey,” he says, before Sam can question further. The phone camera shakes like it’s being propped up against something by a hasty hand, “Gimme a sec, I’m in the middle of something.”

The forehead disappears. Not in a normal way, like Bucky walking out of frame, but in a weird way, like Bucky dropping below the counter to the floor.

“C’mon, ya little twerp, slow down a second …”

“Uh …” Sam wets his lips. “Is now a bad time?”

“‘S fine!” calls his friend’s disembodied voice. “Talk, I’m listenin’.” There is a thump, and a small yowl, and a distinctively Bucky-flavoured grunt.

Sam can see the edge of Bucky's stove behind him and slowly registers the warm kitchen lighting and mess of kitchen implements strewn ... everywhere.

"What ... exactly are you doing?"

"Wrangling," says Bucky. "How've you been?"

Could be better should be Sam's honest response. Instead he blinks at the obvious noises of scuffle, the muffled thud of metal limb against laminate kitchen island, some plaintive meows, and ...

Squeaking?

Peep peep peep peep peep.

“Fuckin’ – Alpine!”

“I told you that cat’s possessed,” Sam says, for lack of anything else to contribute to the mystifying noises coming from his phone.

“Aha!” yells Bucky. There is a particularly despondent screech, and the peeping ramps up in intensity.

Three months ago they’d got caught trying to bust some superpowered underground fight club and spent two days stuck in some underground bunker under threat of fighting in said club. Could make big bucks, taking bets on Captain America and the Winter Soldier. Sam wishes those violence-mongering assholes could see the two of them now.

Bucky’s head reappears.

“She’s not possessed,” he says. Sam can’t exactly agree, when directly to Bucky’s left, the little white housecat he found in the dumpsters behind his apartment last February is doing her best to wage feral holy war against the impervious plates of his left hand, which has got her hovering four feet above the ground by the scruff of her neck. Bucky himself seems unbothered by the crazy feline trying to maul his hand, and in fact unbothered in general, despite his wild case of bedhead, hole-ridden pajama shirt and slightly faded underwear all captured in frame. His other hand, stretched all the way out in the other direction, is held tightly in a fist.

And it’s squeaking.

“Bucky,” Sam says slowly, “I get that you got this whole nonviolence thing goin’ on right now –” It’s been a new thing Bucky keeps bringing up in sardonic therapy speak, always raising his eyebrows to show that he’s the only one allowed in on the joke, as if Sam knows he hasn’t touched a gun in three years – “but is two am really the right time to stop your honest to God housecat from takin’ out a mouse in your kitchen?”

“Mouse?” Bucky says with a frown. Then he grins. “Aw, no, I found him in the elevator today. Dunno how he got there.” Then, with impossible gentleness, he brings his fist up to the blurry camera, so Sam can see the fuzzy yellow crown of a tiny, very squeaky duckling.

Sam stares.

“That’s a duck,” he says.

“Duck-ling,” Bucky corrects. “He’s kind of helpless. Kept falling over on its own ass ‘til I brought him up. I think he was in shock.”

Peep, says the little duckling, as if agreeing. Or maybe as if to say, And then you exposed me to your psycho cat, asshole, you don’t think that was traumatizing?

Maybe Bucky speaks duck better than Sam does, because he only grins, widely, and then proceeds to press a small kiss to the top of the duckling’s head.

Sam feels like he must be dreaming.

“You adopted a duckling?” he manages.

“Not officially,” Bucky protests.

“You can’t just adopt a duckling in Brooklyn.”

“I got a bathtub!”

“You got a shower cubicle, man.”

“Okay, fine, I got a sink.”

“Dude, you can’t rehome a duck in your tiny ass sink.”

“He hasn’t got anywhere else to go, Sam, he’s just a baby.”

Sam gestures in mild distress to the cat, who is still trying desperately to escape her vibranium bonds. “Is this not considered a barrier to duck adoption?!” he says.

Bucky sighs, the kind that slumps your shoulders up and down. He holds Alpine up to his face, sternly. She is midway through attempting to chew his wrist with her pointy little cat teeth.

“You got wax in your ears? Knock it off, Sweets. Whaddaya want, more attention? You want a kiss on the forehead, too?”

“I do not get paid enough for this,” Sam says, putting his head in his hands and staring across the room.

Peep peep peep agrees the duckling.

“Look,” Bucky says, gesturing with his duckling hand. “I’ll think of something.”

“Something stupid,” says Sam.

Bucky doesn’t seem bothered, though. “So what’d you wanna talk to me about?” he asks.

Sam pauses. He’s got to think about it now. In fact – the edge of need that had been present just four minutes ago has mostly disappeared. He takes in Bucky’s disheveled appearance again.

“You still goin’ down next weekend?”

It is a long weekend. Thanksgiving, to be precise. Sam has spent many a Thanksgiving dreaming of his sister’s cooking; he’s not sure he has the mental fortitude to skip out on it this year, when nothing world-ending is happening.

Bucky gives him a weird look. “Sure. Are you?”

“Delacroix’s still doin’ its food drive, right?”

“Sure,” says Bucky again. He scratches an itch behind his ear with the watch strap around his right wrist. The duckling squeaks. “Maybe you should go.”

“Maybe I should,” Sam says. He doesn’t feel relief, exactly, but there is a cousin feeling, somewhere in his chest, that he does not have words for at two a.m., “to make sure you won’t be pullin’ lame moves on my little sister.”

“You wouldn’t know a move if it danced naked in front of you, Sam,” Bucky says, without missing a beat. Alpine, who has been quiet since threatened, makes a sudden, aborted move towards Bucky’s right hand. Smoothly, behind the counter, Bucky takes a couple steps back and opens the empty garbage can with his bare foot before dropping Alpine into it. “Behave,” he tells her muffled protests.

“I know so many moves. I am super smooth with the ladies. And your pasty ass better not be doing any naked dancing, or we’ll have words.”

Bucky lets out a very long-suffering sigh. “Just because Ms. Gloria next door likes me best …”

“She makes a mean sweet potato pie every Thanksgiving,” Sam agrees sadly. “I used to get that extra piece, you know?”

“I can’t say no when Sarah invites me, Sam, come on.”

“So she inviting you now, is that how this works? She doesn’t invite me.”

“That’s ‘cause you invite yourself. Or she bullies you into coming home.”

Both of these things being true, they are both laughing before Sam knows it. He is decidedly less exhausted than before. Tired, sleepy, sure, but not exhausted. Bucky has now moved on to cleaning up his kitchen one-handedly, which he’s gotten pretty good at recently. Bucky himself counts it as progress, and so does everyone else.

Sam catches his breath. “Yeah, alright,” he says. “I should get some rest, then.”

He gets subjected to a long look through the camera. “See you next weekend?” Bucky says finally.

And maybe that was the exact question Sam had been itching to ask. It’s been a long while since he’s had a friend that’s basically family. It hits different. Sam’s happy to get used to it again, bit by bit.

“Yeah, I’ll be there. I don’t think I can tell you all the shit I’ve been dealing with unless we’re out in the middle of nowhere.”

Bucky narrows his eyes. “For security reasons or Sam-telling-a-story reasons?”

“Man, I can tell a story over the phone.”

“Yeah, but you like having the ambiance. Brings the best out in you.”

“Fishing and stories just mix right.”

“Whatever you say, Sam.”

“Yeah, yeah. Hey, maybe you can bring that little fluff ball with you. Can you imagine takin’ that thing through airport security?”

Except, oh no. Bucky’s eyes are widening with the sharp glimmer of a new, stupid idea.

“Huh,” he says, aloud. Peep peep, says the duckling.

“You are not foisting that duckling on me,” Sam says.

“You do have a bird-themed costume. And Sarah’s house has a bathtub.”

But before Sam can open his mouth to argue, there is the loud crash of the garbage can tipping over, and the blurry white figure of Alpine pouncing onto Bucky’s head.

“Shit! Alpine!”

Sam divines that he’s dropped the duckling.

“You know how long it took me to catch him?!”

Mroooow, howls Alpine, who is now on the counter, blocking most of the frame.

To the renewed sounds of frantic peeping from the kitchen floor, Sam laughs. “Dude,” he says, “you know your neighbors hate your ass right now.”

And it’s maybe fitting, that the last thing he sees before he ends the call is Bucky’s disembodied metal fist, flipping him the bird.

#my writing #its not much but its honest work #the falcon and the winter soldier #sam wilson #bucky barnes #sam x bucky #sarah x bucky #marvel #touch prompt meme

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