#I wasnt gonna post it today or maybe for a while but I was reminded that I'm supposed to stop-

[hajihiko]

blood pact

+diff lighting +no light effects

fellas is it gay to lick another man if it was for a Yakuza blood pact 🤔

(this is from a movie, Battles Without Honour and Humanity)

[black-rosewolf66]

Ohh sorry i forgot to make a disclamer to my other shitty life post too…but here it is dont read it if you arent interested in my deep secrets…

So today i wanna stop breathing….i just feel like i dont want to do anything and i have my last exam in like umm tomorrow is monday so after that so in two days…i think i made the right decesion in choosing my school where i could be “happy “and “stress free “over some famous school where you even have to worry about breathing in the right way in front of teachers…

I got tired of proving myself worth…why should i prove it if we all know that low self love makes the other person ugly…and well i can see that in the mirror whenever i have that little sparkle in me that magic called confidence i radiate this inner beautiness or some shit like that…its pretty its cute but its rare…and i have to be happy and if im happy im weak against others half assed” wow your teeth looks ugly dont smile like that”well its not a joke for me in that moment if someone would say something like this to me now i would just look at them shrug my shoulder and smile in there face saying “its better than yours”…but if im happy i hear like really i can hear something shattering something brokes and then i cant stay with that person in the same room i will have a hard time trying to convince myself that it was really a joke and not something i should worry about….i just cant smile for a while after that and even after it it takes so much affort to forget it especially if its heard from someone dear to me…like on of my older brothers said this to me and even after that whenever i smiled i did it with closed mouth…i heard it maybe twice after that and now i even cover my mouth so it cant be seen if i catch that its showing i look in the other direction and discreetly excuse myself to the bathroom while reminding myself that i shouldnt show my ugly side if i dont want to get more hurt than this…im scared? Yes i am but its better being cautious than jumping in everything and getting more broken….i had a moment where i was so hurt that i couldnt see anything and the next thing i know was that i was in my secret hiding place with a broken glass piece looking at it smileing and crying seeing if its sharp enough….that was more scary…seeing myself from outside and looking like that barefooted away from home alone dieing and nobody would know and nobody would search for me if i die at that moment knowing that i dont have anything holding me back because im not myself…because i cant yell at myself if it cant hear me…because im not myself in that moment….i wasnt myself and i couldnt control myself…that was scary having the thoughts of well i cant do anything so might as well see it..and then getting beought back by the pain i did looking in front of me and thinking well maybe i can post pone me killing myself the pain is enough to keep me insane…here im enjoying the pain getting a little happy feom it and than getting enough strength to trow that shit away get my ass home disinfect my wound and wrap it up…hide it so nobody can see it…im a weird person…i discribe feelings with colors if i cant tell you normally….i have this instinct thing that tells me what to choose what to do…i do behave as an animal sometime…but if it gives me a little happiness or a little strength to live than thats what im gonna do and if somebody doesnt like it i will do my best to avoid that person…i only live because im curious about my future…if i give up on my curious self i wont stay nobody and bothing will hold me back….the thought of killing myself is bad boring and etc just isnt enough anymore…after a week of talking about me everyone will get over it anyway even if its bad even if it isnt…even if i kill myself or sell myself or get myself in trouble/killed….so why should i care….

[perhapsthanatos]

10:32 pm with yuta ♡

nct’s yuta x fem!reader (got inspired by a dream of mine & found the idea really cute)

alternate title: be the james dean to my audrey hepburn

genre: fluff. a pinch of angst. non idol au. badboy!yuta au.

word count: 1400~

playlist: chinatown by wild nothing, lover’s rock by tv girl & work this time by king gizzard and the lizard wizard.

warnings: featuring johnny (not a warning though). smoking cigarettes. cursing. lowercase intended. not proofread.

a/n: hi i was supposed to post a vampire!haechan fic but i really wasnt happy w it in general :( the plot or overall idea of the fic was really good, but i just felt as if i didnt do it justice so here we are :( but ngl, i kind of like this concept more? maybe bc i can see it more vividly? idk, i feel like my writings r getting repetitive & its getting on my nerves lmaoo this is getting long im sorry do u guys even read this part anyway? i would also like to apologize abt the amount of projecting im doing lmao ive been having some rough days & i love my sister but hate being compared to her so often so this is a way for me to rant abt it ig? also so sorry its coming out a little later bc i woke up late today (& procrastinated for the rest of it so here i am posting really late at night) & decided to go to the convenience store to get ice cream (& a ton of other bad shit pls dont do this its rlly unhealthy) for breakfast bc i can :) any who, enjoy lovelies <3

“oh my, y/n! you’ve grown up so well! just like your sister!”

“oh! i’m sorry i’ve almost mistaken you for your sister! y/n is your name, correct?”

“y/n, darling, you are looking so dashing! you really do resemble your sister, don’t you?”

“ah, you must be y/n! i’ve heard all about you and your sister from your father!”

you swear that your reddening cheeks are threatening to fall off any moment now from all the fake smiling. the hundreds of superficial compliments, the insincere flattery and the need for these people to constantly compare you to your godforsaken sister makes you feel even weaker than you are. it gets harder and harder to keep up with a big persona that isn’t at all you. as lucky as you are to live such a lavish lifestyle, you can’t help but hate how your family has to be so perfect. you hate how you have never fit in with them, even if you are so good at faking it. you hate how you have always been stuck in your sister’s shadow, constantly haunted with the reminder that you yourself aren’t good enough. you hate how you now have to entertain the rich and brainless guests at your parent’s gala because she’s gone for some stupid prodigy competition and everyone is only talking about her in front of your face. so what if she’s better the better sister? you still have the right to earn respect, right?

you’re exhausted from all the small talk. your facade gets more brittle by the second under all the pressure. your body feels as if it's gonna give out due to your brain shutting down after all that interacting. you try to keep on going with the night as it unravels itself by being the perfectly poised poster child, trying to make your parents proud. but alive yet almost completely devoid, you decide enough was enough. what if you left right now? no one would notice, would they?

after pulling up your phone discreetly to send a few text messages, you pass through lots of people dressed in gold and finery in a way that wouldn’t have you noticed right away. keep your head down and don’t you dare make eye contact with anyone. nearing the end of the room, grabbing the first glass of whatever alcohol you see and downing it in one gulp, you start walking away as quickly as possible from the ballroom. “ignorant privileged fucks,” you angrily whisper to no one in particular, setting the now empty glass on whatever surface and begin to head to the main exit where no one could spot you running away.

“and what do you think you’re doing here, miss?”

a voice interrupts you, looking up you see that it is your father’s head butler; johnny. he is dressed in a simple black suit that makes him appear taller than he is. his long brown hair is slicked back and his bowtie seems brand new. you have known the man since he started working in your household less than ten years back. you were a reckless child, often trying to find ways to sneak out, finding a way to escape from this life and he sympathized with you. after all, he could barely imagine living your life, never catching a break for yourself and always pretending to be someone you weren’t. he often helped planning when you would sneak out into the night, scheduling things like what time you should leave and what time you should be back, more specifically a time when no one would notice. he would take care of your form of transportation and have your location on at all times, just to be extra safe. as much as he wants you to have fun and have a bit of freedom, he still worries that something might happen to you. because of all this, you two have grown to have a very strong bond. you could confidently say that he is most definitely a parental figure in your life since your parents (and even your sister) are often overseas for work.

“what do you think i’m doing? you think i wanna be in a room with those half-baked bipeds? fuck no!”

“i know, i was just joking. you looked like you were about to explode in there, i wish i could help.” he laughs, pulling out his phone preparing what you might need. “so what will it be for today? the driver? we just need to pay him to keep his mouth shut. a taxi? it’s cheaper than paying the driver, but you still need to pay… not like that’s a problem for you though. maybe an uber would be good enough—“

“actually, i got myself covered. thanks.”

his jaw slightly drops and his eyebrows furrow. he looks straight at you in shock. “what do you mean you got yourself covered?”

you look down at your feet, a nervous habit. “i got myself a ride, you don’t need to help me. i’ll be back as soon as dawn comes.”

he raises his eyebrow. “who’s your ride?”

“doesn’t matter,” you glance down at your phone seeing a notification and wave a goodbye, leaving rather suddenly. “i gotta go, i’ll text you when you need to open the gates!”

“y/n! wait! who’s your ride— and she’s gone.” johnny sighs, watching as you run towards the front gates, tossing your stiletto heels away on the grass while you’re at it. he heads back inside, silently hoping you’ll be fine.

knocking the window of the old black mustang parked outside behind the big bushes, the driver rolls down his window and sends the most charming smile.

yuta in his black beanie, long blonde hair, worn out doc martens, signature leather jacket and black skinny jeans. it almost makes you laugh on how he wears the same thing almost everyday but still manages to look so good.

he is most notable for having a big bad boy reputation and you knew that he was the breath of fresh air you needed in your life. a person who can understand having the pressure of having to be or to fulfill your persona. a person you can completely be yourself around. a person who is full of warmth no matter how cold he may seem on the outside.

“get in, princess.”

and that was all you needed. you tiredly walked to the other door and sat yourself in the car. rolling his window back up, he looks at you. you are wearing a simple yet stunning black dress along with silver jewelry adorned on your neck and wrists. your makeup is perfectly done but still struggles to hide the fog in your eyes. he has the sudden urge to clear them away. he softens at the sight of you. no one is perfect, but he finds you being perfect enough without ever having to dress up.

“where to?” he asks as gently as he could. he knows that you are most vulnerable during these moments and that it is hard to finally break down your walls after a day full of stress, so he doesn’t pry immediately. all he wants to do is to keep you here, safe and away from your burdens and for you to stay comfortable with him, even if it couldn't be for long. but is that too selfish of him to ask? he hates how you hate your life and it is taking every bone in his body to not run away with you. but who is he to tell you what to do or what to change anyway? all he can do for now is try to find a way to make you genuinely smile.

“take me anywhere,” you whisper to the latter. “i just want to be as far from myself and my life as possible. miles away or the nearest convenience store, just take the long way home before dawn.”

you look down at the cup holders, spotting an open cigarette box. you tug one out of the nineteen and light it with the lighter you kept in your pocket. you lean back and close your eyes. he only admires as you bring the cigarette to your lips, exhaling a cloud of smoke afterwards. letting the radio play quietly, he starts the car and begins to drive away from the mansion. he can’t help but wonder how you (an elegant daughter) and him (a bad boy) are millions of worlds apart, but more similar than you think.

© perhapsthanatos (efa)

[dead-inside-cx]

So my Villain Hawks and among others au (which I need to give a better name for) anyways adding more to it. This posts focus is Shoto (with some dabihawks):

So Shoto gets found out by his father cause we going angsty. And his father just loses it.

Now Shoto wouldnt care usually but his father forced him into "training." Now Shotos strong. He can fight back. Hes a villain he should fight back, but hes terrified.

His brother and sister arent around to help and hes to scared to contact Hawks with the feather he has. Hawks gave then all a feather so if they need him he will come.

So he let's the "training" happen. Since hes to terrified to stop it. Once its over Shoto just lays curled up in a ball on the floor for hours. He doesnt cry. He just lays there.

He waits until Endeavor goes to bed before getting up and escaping. Usually he would go back to UA but he was scared his father had told the school.

So he races to the base. Ignoring the pain hes in. He arrives and goes inside.

Its dark which is normal since its late at night and whatever strength Shoto had to get here was now gone. He collasped to the ground in pain going back into a ball.

Hawks froze up hearing a thud. Now usually he wouldnt but when you have a potential member but also like technically your enemy naked in your bed cause your actively screwing him and no one else knows you kinda freeze up.

Hawks untangles himself from the sleeping male and puts some pants and a top on.

He goes downstairs and turns on the light. Ready for a fight. Instead his eyes go wide "Shit!" He yells out.

He rushes to Shotos side and gently unravels Shoto who groans and whines in pain. "Its okay. Your safe." Hawks whispers gently.

"Hurts." Is all Shoto can say. Hawks is now examing the injures. Bruises galore, theres blood. Possible broken bones. Some cuts. Hawks is wondering who got him.

Then he sees something. Something that makes him sick. He knew shit went down in that house. He knew Endeavor was a piece of shit. He just never fully understood how bad it was until he saw all the burns. Shotos back had burns. The back of his legs had burns.

His eyes had glanced over it before but he saw a big red handprint that could have only been caused by someone who a fire quirk around his wrist.

"Ill kill him." Hawks growled dangerously low. He wasnt strong enough to save Touya but he would save Shoto.

Picking up the boy gently he carried him to the infirmary. "Lets get you cleaned up okay Sho?" Hawks tells him. Shoto just nods. He feels safe now.

Hawks gets to work. He was no doctor or recovery girl but he could enough to help the boy heal a bit faster and hopefully withoit to much scarring.

He was focused on helping Shoto he didnt hear Dabi walk in. "Birdbrain?" Dabi sounded tired.

Hawks stops and looks over at him. "Well shit." Is all he can say. Dabi walks over and freezes at the sight. He had no clue his little brother was a villain.

He could lose it. "Sit. You can help. Questions later." Is all Hawks says. Dabi nods and helps him. Seeing his brothers injuires spark his brother instincts. "Hawks. Why is Dabi here?" Shoto manages to ask.

"Potential recruit?" Hawks tries to pass it off. "Do all potential recruits wear your shirts? And is that a hickey??" Well at least he is feeling better.

"Shut it." Is all Hawks can tell him. Dabi watches the interaction and while he should hate it he loves it. Hes happy his brother has someone he can come to.

The rest of the night goes normal. Hawks and Dabi end up sleeping in the same room as Shoto since hes terrified to sleep alone.

The others show up in the morning and just about lose it when they hear what happened to Shoto. No one even cares that Dabi is there.

"So do we call Dabi dad now as well?" Deku asks him. There it was. "Stop that you little shit." Hawks says glaring at him. "But daaaaaaad." Deku whines.

Dabi decides he likes it here. Hes still deciding on if he will join or not but he might.

As for Shoto he ends up refusing to go back to his fathers house. Since he lives at the dorms at UA hes fine but when it comes time to the weeks they are allowed to go home hes not sure what to do.

"We take turns!" Deku suggests excitedly. They even make a whole ass list of who goes in which order. Hawks also reminds them all to come here if anything goes wrong.

Eventually everyone else leaves but Shoto and Deku. "Kaachans gonna be at dinner tonight so Im trying to stay away for as long as I can." While in this au the two have a semi better relationship since Deku got his mums quirk as well as one for all (thats for a different post.) The two bonded a bit more over quirks.

Theres still strain (But thats a Deku focused post).

So now its just Dabi, Shoto and Hawks. "I gotta go. Hand job will get pissy if I dont come back today." Dabi says before leaving.

Then there was two. Hawks gives Shoto a gently hug and the boy just breaks down. Hawks is shocked. Hes never seen Shoto so hurt and upset so he just holds the boy. Its all he can do.

Once Shoto calms down Hawks orders them food cause he cant be fucked cooking. Shoto of cpurse answers the door since no one knows the address is Hawks base its fine.

They eat and Hawks stays with Shoto while he goes to sleep. Hawks ends up staying the whole night cause Shoto cuddles into him and Hawks just doesnt want to risk waking him up.

He also plans his revenge. Endeavor realy should not have messed with one of his kids. And maybe just maybe he will team up with Dabi for this.

[frostysfrenzy]

FINI. Posting this then going to cry for the next 5 hours

"Life unions, stop being so romantic"

Clark's lady stealing his powers again

"I'm more than ok. I'm super"

"Starting to regret not packing my intergalactic dictionary about now" Oliver has one?

"No way these are Celtic"

"There's gotta be some way to turn off this death ray from hell"

Ollie and Kara working together!?

Lois running back and forth and Clark just being helpless

Speed demon typer Lois

"Like 800% more awesome than yesterday. Ok maybe 700%"

"No. In Wisconsin"

"The number of heels that I have broken super stretching my legs today is out of control"

*tosses woman aside* "I work out"

I really though Ollie was about to pull out a weapon that shoots two arrows at once but this is somehow more fun

Oliver and Kara putting their trust in each other purely because Clark trusts them both

Not toyman again

About damn time some mention is made of what Lana did for Clark

Lois???? I was really expecting her to just run off before she took his device

Ollie is starting to scare me

Ok I know they get married but I'm crying

THE TIME HAS COME FRIENDS

The series recap my poor little heart

Lois still has her ring I'm no fool

"Your Copperfield act's impressive"

"Remind me to thank Zatanna for making our nuptials so hassle free"

"It's the best decision I don't remember making"

Ollie pulling out Lois and Clark's wedding rings while him and his wife continue to not have any

The way this woman says apocalypse

Clark fool listen to your mother

"You're never gonna see the big picture if you get stuck in spin cycle"

Chloe working her Chloe magic one more time

The vows I'm crying I want what they have

"I'm such an idiot" I wasnt gonna say it Lo

"Thank god for our favourite Martian"

Ollie???

"If by putting it behind you you mean saying sayonara to your ice dad, selling the farm and hanging out in a cemetery instead of being at a church wearing an uncomfortably starched suit"

"I've been down this road before I've been through this. You know where it landed me? Burning a perfectly good leather hoodie"

"Little birdie bridesmaid"

Clois on opposite sides of the door that scene was BEAUTIFUL

Lois' vows somehow even better than Clark's I'm in tears y'all

Only Clark Kent would walk his bride down the aisle

Chloe's wtf is my husband doing face

Well it finally happened Oliver finally fell off the rails

If this means Oliver has to die I'll full out bawl

You know, Oliver's deep brown eyes are dark enough thanks

HALLELUJAH

Ollie and Clark being all matchy matchy with their suits

Another damn wedding derailed what the hell smallville

Chlollie making out on the literal dawn of the apocalypse

The apocalypse colours are so pretty though

"Its not really time for a father daughter chat there's literally a planet hurdling toward earth

Both Lionel and his look are completely unhinged and I don't like it

"Looks like my purpose in your life has changed" *shoots him* damn Tess

Lionel died twice at the hands of his own children lol

He's alive (insert goofy mysterious voice here)

"Today definitely tops Chloe's wall of weird"

Clois pulling a Chlollie with a make out session

"I'm sorry I wouldn't have had to do that if the world wasn't in jeopardy. And you weren't such a bitch"

"Hello Clark. Can't say I love what you've done with the place"

"You still say it the same way. Astonishment, mixed with a hint of dread, yet a hopeful finish" wow this is actually giving me Lex nostalgia

"I wouldn't worry so much about my dear little sister"

Ok I only like two people calling Clark kal el. Jor el and Kara

Ok I'll accept Zod too

"I got this friend. Cool leather jacket, blurs faster than a speeding bullet. Hes pretty good at impossible"

Hot damn it's a triple arrow I couldn't love it more

Tess? That's it? Tess?

The compilation of his best saves!!

Jor el's pride for his son finally!!!!

"Always had onto Smallville" CRYING

FLIGHT

"Come on Clark you can do this" Oliver watching Clark with such pride I love him a perfect final scene

Mama Chloe!

The kid has an arrow set like his dad!!

"Just tell the minister I'm gonna be a few minutes late"

IT'S BEAUTIFUL

[insert-some-nice-emo-pun]

this is about the lynz drama

i didnt wanna write this post

when this shit first started i told myself im not gonna say anything about it cause a)i hate drama in any form and b)no one cares about my opinion

but today i got so fed up with everything ive seen on twitter that here we are

im just gonna kind of explain what happened and share my opinion i guess? and feel free to share yours in the comments as long as you respect other people

so everything pretty much started when someone asked lynz about people accusing jimmy urine of sexual assault

(first of all why would they ask lynz?like i know theyre in the same band but still shes not responsible for his actions)

her responese mightve indeed seem strange, like she was defending herself tho nobody attacked her and it overall felt kinda off

then the whole argument started (most of the tweets are deleted now so its kinda hard to find out what exactly happened)

so first thing im gonna adress is how everyone seems to be "cancelling" her for saying you shouldnt believe victims, but what i understood after reading all of her tweets was that she said always believe victims unless you know theyre a manipulative liar and i think theres actually nothing wrong with saying this? please correct me if you think im wrong but i dont really find this problematic (the tweets are at the end of the post!)

i know that the first tweet, the only one that isnt deleted seems really off and she defo couldve answer better and you can critize her for this but i think she thought the person who asked her was reffering to smth jessicka said which kind of explains everything

jessicka has been saying messed up things about lynz for years, so i think we can understand why she reacted in this way

now why dont i believe anything jessicka says?

because she always talks how she has "a proof" that lynz said/did smth but she never actually shows that proof

even now, when lynz mentioned her in one of her tweets she responded yelling about the proof but didnt actually say anything new

one thing ive learned while being in different fandoms and stuff is never believe that someone said/did something unless you have a video of them doing so or they confirmed it on their offcial account on social media

if she really had the proof, why dont just show it to people?

now the second big thing that happened was the whole family thing

people have been talking about her family situation for years (im more of a new fan so i wasnt here back then so please correct me if i make a mistake here or anywhere in the post)

what we knew before is that she cut off her mother and sister - she didnt want to talk to them nor send them money

her sister claimed it was because they arent rich or famous

now scroll all the way down again to see the tweets

her mum and sis recorded a video responding to this

now this is totally subjective opinion of mine, but i got really bad impression from watching their vid and things they said later on twitter (search for amy greene on twitter, youll find everything there)

now you can believe me or not, but i have experience with this kind of family situations

my opinion on the subject is that when it comes to family problems no ones really innocent but sometimes things get so messed up that you shouldnt really judge people based on that

we basically get two sides of the story, and i believe that both of them probably got some things right, but im gonna stay on lynzs side

i 100% understand cutting off fanily memebrs, even as close as your mother and after watching this video i felt really sorry for lynz (again its just my opinion, but the things they both said about lynz reminded me so much of the situation from my family)

ive seen a lot of people bringing up that they said nice things about gerard, so they must be telling the truth because if they wanted fame theyd go after him instead or smth like this

i disagree with this opinion because its once again a behavior i know

noone said anything about gerard before

the whole thing was only about lynz

so why would they even bring him up?

well imo if their intentions were clear they wouldnt say anything about him at all, because what for?

if they said anything bad about about him all of the fans would attack them, get mad, and maybe not believe the rest of their story, so it was in their interest not to talk shit about him

but why did they say nice things? (ITS JUST MY OPINION PLEASE IM NOT SAYING I KNOW IT) 90% of people who would watch the video are mcr fans. and what is the best way to gain someones trust? be nice to them. say nice things about their idols, interests etc, its a known trick and its really manipulative. again i dont want to accuse them but it just seemed really off to me, and it also makes lynz look even worse, like if theyre trying to say that everyone here is nice and shes the only bad person around (yet again something i know really well)

so in my opinion they only talked about g to have mcr fans take their side and if its true its really manipulative but its just my opinion and i totally understand if you dont agree with me because i have no proof for this

i think this post is coming to an end so i want to say that i believe lynz is a good person

not a saint, not perfect, but not someone we should cancel or hate on

you have a right to dislike her, i understand and respect it, same with everything i said here - i accept that you disagree, you can write me a comment about it, just please dont spread hate

i hate going on twitter and seeing all of this drama

i havent been following her for a long time, i wouldnt even call myself her fan, but ive always seen her being really nice to fans on twitter and interacting with people a lot, well ive heard people talking about her being mean to fans in the past but i couldnt really find any concrete proof (video of that happening, im sorry but i really dont believe in posts from fan accounts from years ago)but im not saying it never happened, if you have a video feel free to send it to me

i doubt anybody read all of this, but thank you anyway

also here are the screenshots i could find

feel compeltely free to share your opinion in the comments, i sure will read it but im done with this whole drama

i just needed to get this off my chest after seeing all these people going crazy on twitter, im sorry if some parts dont make sense or have any kinds of mistakes, english isnt my first language and its also really late now

[aggresivelyfriendly]

Hi! I know I have other unfinished fic, but I’ve actually been writing a bit, and you can blame @the-well-rested-one! I have five chapters queued up and outline for several more, that’s a good sign! Please comment if you read, or reblog! Thank you to @nikibi6 and @emulateharry for the looksie!

The One Where Harry Styles Sneezed On Me

Day One

There's only three people out on the pavement ahead of her, and a part of Elise is tempted to tip toe because she watches too many movies.

The streets of London are quieter than Elise has seen them since she moved here. She'd basically never left her university classes and not been shoulder to shoulder with wall to wall people. Her classes were over at rush hour and there were a lot of people in London at any time of day. Had you asked her before the move, she would have said she liked big crowds. But now, the tube sometimes gave her anxiety, a brand new thing, because it was so packed.

Today, well London was like a ghost town, like the film where she'd fallen in love with the city and decided she would study abroad there. It was an odd one, but that sounded like her.

28 Days Later was a weird inspiration, but maybe because London was empty in the movie, she was able to see things about it better. It was also why she felt like she should be extra quiet on the nearly deserted streets, this was the closest approximation to her favorite movie scenes she'd probably ever see in one of the biggest cities in the world. Elise had never been to a big city, not really, the largest was maybe Phoenix. But it didn't really feel that much bigger than Tucson, where she grew up, or maybe it had just grown before her eyes so she hadn't noticed.

London was a proper big city as her roommate told her, and Elise hadn't made it for a semester abroad. She'd wound up here for her post graduate work, she couldn't afford it during undergrad. The living expenses, turns out, were too expensive, but she'd found a way later, because there was a will, a dream.

Her will for today had been to find her way after class to the next public green space on her list. She'd done Kensington Gardens, Hyde Park, and Regent's Park. She went after class when she could, if there was sunlight to catch. Today was so pretty, she had decided to go even if it meant catching the tube by herself at night. And then she had stepped out into a London eerily like the one from the movie that had first infatuated her. There were people on the street though, and they didn't look like the walking dead, just the walking afraid. Those who had braved the streets wore masks. One lady had gardening gloves on. Elise wasn't sure if she was underreacting or everybody else was over the top. She hadn't really thought about it, mostly because she was under 80, and well, honestly, maybe she did feel a little bit of the invincibility youth brings.

Apparently lots of Londoners didn't feel the same way. Including those who ran her Uni. She arrived with her notebooks and excited for her day plans, resolute, to find a sign on an easel in the entryway.

"Classes Cancelled today. Online classes will resume tomorrow. All formats will be conducted via Portal for three weeks, or until further notice."

Well, shit. Had they thought to send an email? It may have saved her the trip.

Elise looked at the 100,000 emails in her gmail and discovered they had indeed emailed her. This was why she avoided online courses, she was much better, learned better, in person. Also, she was abysmal at keeping up with things via email. The next few weeks would be a trial.

She'd have to figure it out, and she knew herself; A schedule was necessary, she'd write one down, on paper, to order her life while she had to finish these courses online. But that seemed to be her only coursework for this day.

That was a bright side. She took it as a silver lining, she could head to the old London Heath right away. She considered walking, plotted out her path and realized that it was a long, long way, so long it would steal all of her energy to explore.

The tube was really ghostly, like the ghost town they visited once, Calico or something?

Regardless, she was surprised she wasn't more excited. It was just like 28 Days Later. Well not really, no bloodthirsty, spattered lurchers, but it felt eerie. Like it had the first time she watched it, before she got totally immune to the plot and could only see the sights. She was thankful when a few people got on her carriage, though they sat as far from each other as the spacing allowed. She quickly looked up more information on her phone and estimated how far away the people should be, they were all separated by much more than that.

By the time she got to her destination, she'd normally be just getting out of her first class, and Elise's stomach reminded her that this was meal time. She really was married to a schedule, or at least her biology was. She thought a picnic would be lovely, so she looked up a market and found a Whole Foods nearby. She would splash out for her lunch it looked like, could be worse, could be Waitrose, and must be cheaper than a cafe, surely.

London was pricey. Which she'd known intellectually and was now experiencing literally everyday. As such, Elsie was kinda thinking she needed a job. Was she allowed to work? Maybe on campus. She'd have to ask the question to somebody who knew; she was running through her reserves.

Elise kinda sighed at herself as she walked into Whole Foods. Maybe this was not the best idea. But it was bright and cheery inside and smelled like green juice and roasted vegetables. Her stomach growled and she decided the worst that could happen was she would wind up eating cup o' noodles and have to pack a lunch a lot towards the end of semester before her next stipend.

Elsie shrugged and sang along a little to the song playing overhead. She felt like she rarely heard One Direction here, she heard it played out more in public in the US, and wondered if that was due to public exhaustion. She understood that it had been next level crazy here. Maybe it was just time? They'd been her favorite when she was in early high school. She had decided she was gonna marry Liam in eighth grade. That opinion changed as they all aged. She got too cool for them, and well, some of them grew up nicely. "Just how fast the night changes." She tried to harmonize along. The song also meant she wasn't hurrying she was, however, wandering.

Fruit, she should grab some fruits, that was always a good place to start.

How she wound up by the hot bar she didn't know, but she grabbed a bit of roast chicken and realized the layout was backwards to the one she was used to in Tucson. The metal spoon clanked as she got some potatoes that looked deliciously crunchy and had little burned ridges like she loved. She should have some vegetables. Carrots didn't count, real green things were needed. Asparagus counted. She was looking at the cut fruit, but then thought about her budget concerns and headed over to the produce section.

It was a little emptier than what she assumed was normal, a few ladies and a tall, lanky man in a hoodie and hat were the only people about. He was broad from the back, but had a furtive set to his shoulder that made him smaller. He was also standing exactly where she wanted to be. In front of the bananas, her favorite of the economical fruits. The best bunches clustered where he didn't seem to be doing anything but loitering.

Elise's belly growled, the aroma of her roasted chicken wafted up. She'd give it another minute and if he hadn't moved, she'd try to politely shoulder her way around him, 6 feet or not.

She gave it two minutes. By the end her converse was audible tapping. He still hadn't moved at all. So help her, if he was on his phone! It was time for action. She came up to about his shoulder, and he did not seem to notice there was 5 feet of impatience at his elbow, at least he certainly didn't move. When Elise realized he was on his phone, her patience snapped. That had to break some kind of grocery store etiquette. Was there grocery store etiquette? Certainly, it would extend to standing so people couldn't access foods when you were fucking around on your phone.

She reached past him, "sorry, excuse my reach." she hoped he could hear just how not sorry she was. Elise was good at passive-aggression.

She heard his breathing change and was ready to tell him he had just been blocking the bananas for three minutes, and she knew she wasnt being socially distant, but he was being rude, when he turned towards her. He was being rude, especially by English standards and she would tell him so, even if she wasn't sure if he was exactly impolite, accusing an Englishman of that was very effective.

She realized two things when he looked at her.

One- he was not some stranger- he was HARRY. FUCKING.STYLES!

And two- as his spit splattered all over her face, he wasn't about to call her rude, his gasp had been the beginning of a sneeze.

😷😷😷😷😷

The last hour had been an absolute blur. She had just sat down to eat. And though her 16 year old self would consider this an upgrade, her 23 year old self was really sad the heath was not the site of her lunch, even if it had been switched out for her teenage dream.

Because Harry Styles had started his litany of apologies with a "fuck!" Then a spilling ramble. "I'm so sorry, dammit, I knew I should have just sent somebody. Dammit, Jesus fuck, now you will have to be quarantined too." His hands were fumbling with the wet wipes and she could smell the disinfectant on them. She stopped him short before he was wiping that shit on her face and was redirecting his hand while he was still talking about how they could just both be holed up in his house. It distracted from the fact he was rubbing spittle off her shirt very close to her nipple.

"I mean, it's not huge. Damn, I kinda wish the new house was done. Then we wouldn't even have to see each other. Not that, I um, wouldn't want to see you, or like whatever, but um. We don't know each other and we'll be, like, living together for several weeks. I guess you could quarantine at your place. But I just feel better, cause it's my fault. Seems rude to possibly infect somebody due to negligence, and not like, help them through it. I just had to have my celery juice." That part was said under his breath, and he wasn't holding any juice.

She remembered the closed juice bar. The sign had read: Our fresh bars-juice, smoothie, and coffee are close due to Covid- 19 contagion worries. We apologize for any inconvenience.

Then it clicked, while she wiped his sputum from her face. That is what he was talking about. What the?

"Are you just wandering around whole foods infecting people? You have the virus?"

She realized she'd been talking really loud and attracting attention. Harry certainly realized.

He looked agitated and around to see if they had an audience, and she realized his face was a bit of a liability. That would be some headline for sure. "Harry Styles spreading coronavirus!" or some shit like that. He used to get press for existing, the memory made her soft for him.

"Let's get you checked out. And we can go back to my place and talk?" He made eye contact and she got confused for a second longer.

"What?" Elise found herself saying. She would normally never ever go home with some dude in a store. But, this dude was Harry Styles, and that made her feel simultaneously safer and also like this was a chance she had to take. She also wanted to yell at him a little.

He sighed, like she was a hard to open packet of chips. "Can you check out and meet me outside?" He looked around again and bit his lip because the women nearby were watching them. He handed her his basket and helped her transfer her things to it, "Can you grab my things too?" He didn't sound like she remembered him. But she supposed she'd not done more than listen to his albums once through after she'd grown out of her One Direction phase.

He sounded better. He was still growing up well.

"Huh?" She was not following him. He gave her that exasperated face and thinned his lips before he quickly got a hundred pound note out. "Check out and I'll meet you in my car. I'm near the front, all right?"

She barely remembered checking out. The girl had to prompt her twice, and she'd shoved the sanitizer at her when they'd both had to touch the change. She even considered keeping. Can you grab my things too, the audacity! But she handed it to him promptly and he put it away and sanitized his hands and gave her a squirt too. Chivalry in the time of Corona.

The drive had been quiet. Though she was sure there were things to do, to say, certainly. So the radio played and Harry sang along. It was a surreal moment, right out of her teenage dreams. Listening to Harry Styles sing in his expensive car. The missing piece that made it reality instead of fantasy was that she was not singing along, instead she was confused and hungry.

"Here, I'll warm up your lunch." Was the first thing he said to her as he ushered her into the square house she recognized from something on the internet years ago. It was a little cold inside and Elise fitted her sweater around her shoulders and sat at the wood grain kitchen table. Her food came to her steaming. Then a warm mug she immediately wrapped her hands around.

"You cold?" He asked while moving to a fancy looking blue screened rectangle on the wall. "I'm always cold, so I just wait until someone seems too cold to change anything."

She nodded.

"Right, so you know me?" He asked like it was taking out the garbage.

"Um," Elise took a drink. "Yeah, I was a huge One Direction fan in high school."

He smiled at that. "Ok, is that why you've gone silent? Freaking out?"

"Yeah, and also, I'm not really following. Honestly."

"Why don't you tell me a little about about what you think is going on. Then I'll fill in my side."

She took a breath. "Can I eat my lunch first?" She needed a minute, and she was beyond hungry, and annoyed. Definitely annoyed. And maybe just a touch of freaking out. Harry was her favorite for a lot longer than Liam, if she was honest.

"Oh! Yes, of course." He shook his head, "how rude of me."

That was why he felt rude? Not the bananas or irresponsible shopping trip. Elise widened her eyes at her carton before she dug in and didn't look up until the blender went.

A green smoothie, vibrant and lush, was placed at her elbow. It matched his eyes. "Here, to your health."

"Thank you." She took a sip and smiled. Her blood sugar was rising and she was already feeling considerably better, though her odd situation and figuring it out came to the forefront. "So, um, to my health hmmm?" She cheered the air.

Harry exhaled and nodded.

"To yours as well?"

"I suppose you could say that." He pulled his lip between his forefingers and she remembered that from interviews.

"You're not supposed to touch your face." She ah, ah, ahhed with a grin.

He laughed and it broke some of their tension. "I'm not. Neither are you."

Elise realized she had her chin in her hand. She slapped it lightly on the table and sat up. "Fair enough, so what am I doing here, Mr. Styles?"

He groaned lowly and she wondered what that was about. She didn't let it sidetrack her though, she'd wait out his response.

He took a big gulp of health and Elise watched the chunky residue slide down the glass.

"You've heard of Coronavirus, yes?"

She couldn't help but roll her eyes.

He chuckled, she hoped at himself, what the fuck kind of question was that?

"Right, pretty unavoidable, yeah?" He didn't need her to agree, he kept talking. "I travel a lot."

"Duh!" she interrupted.

At that he really did laugh. "So, I travel a lot, duh, and I flew on a flight where somebody tested positive. There aren't many tests yet, they're rationing them."

"Even for you?" She was surprised.

"Even for me," he sighed. "I'm just a person. Anyway, the person in question asked for a pic for his daughter—."

"Likely story."

"Perhaps, and so, we were in close proximity and we shook hands," she nodded along with the line of his narrative. "They won't test me unless I show symptoms. But quarantine was recommended."

He finished, he'd left out a part though.

"Is Whole Foods part of the quarantine radius?"

He blushed a little, and all of the reasons she'd had some of her earliest fantasies about him surfaced. "No, not as such. But I was low on bananas."

"Nobody you could pay a euro for your bunch of bananas?" She hoped for a laugh.

He squinted. "Course, but I don't like to be a bother."

She couldn't help but laugh at that. "So, in your effort to not inconvenience anyone for a couple hours, you've exposed me by sneezing in my face, rude, and kidnapping me to your house? So, now I have to quarantine too?"

"You aren't a kid. How could I nap you?" This was not a joke, but the humor of it was not escaping either of them.

"Not what that means, though I've no idea why." She shrugged.

"Young lady napped?" He tried.

"Oh god, you are sooo English. Young lady napped." She tried on his drawl.

"That was terrible!" He shook his head like he was offended.

"I thought it was pretty good?" She popped her shoulder and her own little dimple in her left cheek appeared, though it didn't pull the weight his did. He narrowed his eyes before raising up his eyebrows.

"It was alright, I suppose. We have time to perfect it."

"Why's that?" She found herself asking.

"Well, we're pretty much stuck together. How d'ya feel about two weeks at Le Hotel Styles?"

He couldn't be serious, could he?

[justanotherweedinthelawn]

For the prompt list, maybe ”I'm sorry for asking.” with an s/o that asks to be in a poly relationship with Tenko and Himiko after realizing they're in love with both of them? I think this would be a pretty cute idea. 🥰

Oh my god you're right that is a really cute idea anon! I hope I do it justice. ;v; Sorry if Tenko and/or Himiko are ooc btw, I dont know too, too much about their in-game personalities. This is also probably my longest post so far, so yeah. Lemme know if you want a rewrite! Stay safe!

S/o confesses to Tenko and Himiko and ask to be in a poly relationship after realizing they're in love with both of them

You had begun talking to Tenko because she had been walking around the school advertising a magic show between classes. She pretty much went up to every person she saw and at least gave them a flyer. When you saw her walking up to you, you were actually kind of excited. You honestly had your eyes on her for the past week or so. She had just. Caught your eye if you're being honest. You weren't entirely sure why. Maybe it was her enthusiasm.. or maybe her beautiful long hair put into those twisted twintails.. or-

"Hey, there's going to be a magic show on Saturday! You should totally come!"

"O-oh.. uhh.. yeah! Yeah, I'll be there!"

"Seriously?! Thank you! Here's a flyer with more info!"

She hands you a flyer that's pretty well made.

'Come see the amazing Himiko preform tonight!'

That was the header of the flyer. The rest was some info about 'The amazing Himiko' and where she was performing. There was also a picture of her in the middle doing a magic trick.

Oh fuck shes actually kinda cute-

What the hell? You thought you were attracted to Tenko?! Welp. The only way to find out if you're actually attracted to 'The amazing Himiko' is to go to her show.

Well.. you were already planning on going, but you know what you mean!

Saturday comes faster than you anticipate, and you already find yourself in the school gymnasium where the magic show was being held. You walk in and see at least a small group of people in some chairs. You take a seat and like the others wait for the show to begin.

After about 5 minutes, the same girl on the flyer appears on a small stage. She gives an introduction speech and the show begins. She actually performs some really cool tricks!

After the show, everyone else leaves, but you figured right now was better than ever to confront Tenko. And now that you knew you seemed to have a crush on this Himiko girl, might as well talk to them both.

So you walk over to them and introduce yourself.

"Uh, hey, my name is y/n. I just wanted to say that that was really impressive!"

"Nyeh? You really think so?"

"Heck yeah!"

After that, you started talking with the two in the halls, going to lunch together, then outside of school, and soon enough, you three would all hang out often.

Tonight was movie night.

You were so excited, you could barely sit still in your seat during your classes. When lunch came, you noticed Tenko wasnt there.

"Hey Himiko, where's Tenko?"

"Nyeh? Oh, she's sick."

Sick? On movie night? Would it be canceled?

You ask Himiko if movie night is canceled, hoping it's not, as it was the only thing you were looking foward to today.

"Well, I thought we should let her get better and reschedule, but Tenko said she was fine, and that if it got worse, she would reschedule."

Oh thank heavens.

After school, you and Himiko walk to Tenko's house together, which is where you three decided to have movie night tonight. You two walk in and see Tenko on her couch, seemingly half asleep.

"Tenko?"

"Huh..? Oh!"

She immediately jolts up after realizing it's you two.

"Sorry theres no snacks, I'll go get some."

She gets up and slowly walks to the kitchen as you two walk in and close the door. You stop Tenko before she reaches the kitchen.

"You sit down. I'll handle the snacks."

"But-"

"No buts. You're sick. Now go, sit."

You turn Tenko around and lightly push her towards the couch. She complies and sits down next to Himiko, who begins talking to her. You begin making snacks. Popcorn, some drinks, etc., plus some soup for Tenko. (It was canned, so you weren't sure if it was actually gonna do anything, but the gesture was still there.)

After you're done making snacks, you sit down next to Himiko. You realize Tenko had gotten up. You look around a little trying to see where she went, when you suddenly see Tenko headed straight for you two with a giant blanket. You barely have time to react before Tenko tackles you both, hugging you close.

Tenko begins laughing and you two join her. Once you three get settled in the blanket on the couch, you begin to pick out a movie.

You three decide on watching the classic, A Nightmare On Elm Street. After you three watch that, you kinda just put on a cheesy romance film so you can just relax.

You three end up snuggling up close and falling asleep. Before you fell asleep, you had a thought about how nice this was, and how you wish it could last forever. After you fell asleep, you had an amazing dream where all three of you were just huddled close and sitting peacefully in a field.

Then, Himiko kisses you.

You immediately shoot awake, your face going red. As you begin to calm down, you start to think about it.

You absolutely had feelings for both of them.

You didnt wanna choose between them though...

Was there a way to..?

You doubted it.

But the thought just kept appearing. It had literally been two days and you kept wondering.

Alright, that's enough.

As soon as you got home, you got onto your computer to do some research.

It only takes you a few minutes to find out about polyamorous relationships. You do some deeper digging for about an hour before coming to the conclusion that you think you want to be in a polyamorous relationship with the two people you love the most.

But would they agree on it?

You hoped so, especially since the two had known eachother for longer than you had known them.

You decided to wait until your next hangout to ask them. Luckily, the next hangout was at your house, so you decide to do something special.

You three were supposed to have a study session together and then have a sleepover.

So you decide to add a few things you hope mix all three of your personalities and interests.

You three had given eachother access to each others music playlists, so you decide to take a bunch of songs from all of your playlists and put them into one special playlist. You even add in a few songs that just remind you of the three of you.

You buy some magic supplies that Himiko particularly likes, and you also grab a spare yoga mat you have so you can make some padding for Tenko to practice some of her moves on. You had also added a few things you liked.

You had also decided to buy a little projector that projects a galaxy onto the ceiling as if you were stargazing outside. The galaxy even moved as if it were the real sky! A few shooting stars pop up as well at some points.

And to top it all off, you had bought everyone's favorite snacks.

*Knock, knock, knock*

Perfect.

You answer the door and see two beautiful smiling faces that you adored.

"Come on in!"

You three complete your study session in about three hours, with Himiko almost falling asleep about four times.

At this rate you were afraid Himiko wasnt even gonna stay awake long enough for your confession.

They were also a little shocked by the special playlist.

"Who's music are we gonna play for this session?"

"Well actually, I made a special playlist with a mix of our songs on it, if you'd like to play it."

"Woah, really y/n? Of course we're gonna play it! You worked hard on it afterall!"

You play it, and you find its actually really nice to have a mix of songs you all love.

After that, you three head to your room for the sleepover part of your hangout.

You tell the two about your setup of activities and they both smile.

"Wow y/n, you really did a lot for this hangout!"

"Yeah.. just felt like doing something special today."

"Well me and Himiko really appreciate it!"

Tenko then grabs you and Himiko and hugs the two of you close.

You feel your heart stop and your face grow red.

Oh my god they're sO CUTE-

You three each do separate activities and show off for a few hours while eating snacks. Himiko didnt even seem to be tired, so you hoped she would last until your confession.

After you three show off to eachother, you all lie down and you turn on the little projector, to which you smile.

Perfect.

This is perfect.

"Hey, are you guys still awake?"

"Yep."

"Mhmm."

"I wanted to ask you guys something really important."

Tenko sits up.

"Yeah of course, what's up?"

Your heart begins racing faster than Usain Bolt and you can feel your face grow as red as an apple, and you are so glad the other two cant see you right now.

"I- er- uh..."

You sit up as well.

"I... like you guys.."

You barely whisper it, but they seem to hear you.

Himiko sits up surprisingly quick and you can see Tenko go wide eyed.

"Huh?"

"Wha?!"

You get up and turn the light on so you can see their faces.

Tenko is indeed wide eyed and her face looks like someone had painted it red.

Himiko is also wide eyed and almost as red as her hair.

"Are.. are you serious y/n?"

"Yes. One hundred percent."

"Well.. I think I like you too. I just never really wanted to acknowledge it.."

"Really?"

"Yeah.."

"Himiko?"

"Nyeh.. I uh.. I like you too.."

So that part went well.

Now for the bigger question.

"Do you guys wanna.. be in a polyamorous relationship?"

...

Both of them seemed to grow confused.

"I'm sorry for asking, that was kinda sudden!"

Tenko gets up and walks towards you.

She has a soft smile on her still flushed face.

"We have no idea what that means y/n."

"Oh."

You sit back down and end up explaining what a polyamorous relationship is, and throughout it you can feel your face get warmer, and you can see the same happening to Himiko and Tenko.

After you're done explaining, the room is silent, but all of you were extremely red.

"Sooo..."

"I agree."

Tenko said that and you looked up to see her looking at you with the same soft smile.

You loved that smile.

She took both of your hands into hers.

"I really do like- no- love, both of you. I've honestly had a crush on Himiko for the longest time. I just couldn't bring myself to say anything like y/n. But.. now that you're both here, my life truly is complete."

Wow. You had always suspected Tenko had a thing for Himiko.

"Nyeh.. I swear, if you two get any cuter, I'm gonna kiss you."

You turn around to look at Himiko who was smiling.

"I love you both as well."

You're heart flutters at this.

The two people you loved the most were now your lovers.

Lovers. Heh. You never thought this dream would come true.

Himiko did in fact kiss you two, and you both kissed her back. It was really cute, but clearly none of you knew how to kiss.

[twaigfraggle]

Ledges are a great way to save your relationship.

Hi, so here’s my fic. It’s Robo and a tad hard to follow. It’s based on the season 3 episode Gobos school for explorers. @shadowthezombie here it is! Please excuse any out of character behavior. I’m sorry if this is bad. Love ya and thx for reading!

It had been like this all day. The petty back and forth arguing seemed a bit more angry then usual. Almost as if something had happened earlier. They were tense especially when they got closer together. Wembley found himself picking up on these small details Red seemed a little more standoffish which wasn’t like her. All of her aggression was directed at Gobo and his at her. It was definitely a lot worse then their usual stints of anger toward each other. Which was even more bizarre as they had been close for the past few months, so why the sudden tension? Wembley had tried to ask Gobo about it but he changed the subject with the latest post card from his uncle. When he tried to ask Red she acted like she hadn’t heard him and started talking about something else. Wembley asked Mokey cause she usually knew things but, she was just as unsure as he was. So Wembley just assumed that they had gotten into a fight over something and were taking the petty approach. It wasn’t until years later he had gotten the full story.

March 18th 1985

‘I’m newly single and I love it.’ That phrase replayed in her head over and over again. She and her now ex boyfriend had parted ways a few days ago. Red didn’t wanna be near him but they had to keep up appearances. They were friends after all. They didn’t want people to question why they were avoiding each other. So when Mokey had found her and asked if she wanted to come get the postcard with the group, she forced a smile and nodded. His eyes met hers they broke contact and red glanced at the floor. ‘I don’t know if I can do this much longer.’ She thought. She felt tears but bit her lip and blinked until they were gone. Mokey gazed at her.

“Are you Alright?” Her voice was soft. Red nodded

“Yeah I’m fine.”

“You seem sad.”

“I’m seriously okay Mokes.” Mokey nodded.

“If you say so. I’m just getting bad vibes.”

“I’m not sure why you’d be getting bad vibes Im fine!” Mokey sighed. She and Wembley exchanged a look. Red knew Wembley was worried too but, her relationship had been a secret. They weren’t sure how their friends would have reacted so they kept it hidden. It was only a matter of time before they had gotten into an argument over it. Which of course had led to the breakup. She heard Wembley asking Gobo about her but he feigned ignorance.

“Are you sure you don’t know what’s up with her?”

“No, why would I? She doesn’t tell me anything.” A bold faced lie. Red scoffed lightly. The other three shot her a look. Mokey and Wembley then shot an accusatory glare at Gobo. “What? I told you I had nothing to do with it!” He looked at her. “Right red?” Red huffed and nodded.

“Guys for real I’m Just brooding.” The two walked ahead leaving Wembley and Mokey who glanced at each other.

“Im not sure I believe them.” Wembley muttered. Mokey nodded.

“Something is definitely up.”

*later*

The water was cold. It was March so red assumed it would be. But not this cold. But, she submerged herself completely. She held her breath as long as she could and let herself float aimlessly under the water. When she came up for air she heard some sort of commotion. She rolled her eyes and went back under. When she had inevitably decided to see what all the fuss was about she was greeted by Boober.

“Red! Gobos going to teach us all to become explorers!” Her heart fluttered slightly. She felt proud of him.

‘No he’s your ex boyfriend. You will not be happy for him after the way things ended.’ Mokey had said something but red wasn’t actually listening. She chuckled. “Oh that’ll be the day! Gobo can’t even teach himself how to whistle!” His eyes widened. He had replied to her but red only heard her heartbeat in her ears. They hadn’t been this close since the break up. He tried and failed. Although it sounded fake she laughed as hard as she could. After announcing where they would be traveling too, Boober had pretty much roped everyone into laundry school leaving only four of them. Red didn’t want to go but she had to prove a point. He had given them hats and helped them with their bags. When gobo had helped her, their hands brushed together lightly. They flung their arms apart as if the touch had burned. The hat she was given was too big, red just assumed he did this on purpose. But she was getting pretty sick of those stupid rules. Poor Wembley had fainted from dehydration and he didn’t seem to care. Red was fuming. She took Wembley and Mokey back with her.

“Yeah, Yeah I guess It does take a certain kind of fraggle to follow these rules.” He yelled down.

“Yeah! One who can’t even teach himself how to whistle!” She shot back.

“Is that so?” He was silent for a moment. “You could prolly still get into Boobers school of laundry Red, I think it’s more your speed!” Her face reddened.

“You should stick those stupid rules back in uncle Matt’s sock box where they belong!” She was fuming her hands were shaking tears welled up in her eyes. She blinked them back. “He’s old enough to take care of himself. Let’s go down to the hill and get a drink!” Mokey pointed to the knot still tied around her.

“The last fraggle In the world Id wanna be tied to is Gobo!” She spat venom in her voice, and it was just her luck, the knot wasn’t coming untied. She felt herself be pulled backwards and she fell. She landed on her bag. Her head hurt and her ears were ringing. It was only fair that she was also stuck on a tiny ledge half way to who knows where with her ex. She silently cursed as she stood. As they awkwardly conversed red felt that butterfly feeling when they locked eyes. He was muttering something about the stupid rules and Red had turned away and she heard him whistle and the sound of falling paper. He had an Idea. She gazed In confusion as he mad what he referred to as a parachute. His uncle had written to him about it. Red rolled her eyes. ‘Guess I have to humor him if I want to live.’ Once he had finished he motioned for her to join him. She sighed and stood beside him, instinctively wrapping her arm around him, he did the same. His body was warm but then again hers probably was too. It was getting kinda warm up there. Red felt kind of sick. “This is the weirdest looking thing I’ve ever seen! It’ll never work.”

“It should work Red I’ve thought it out.” His tone was stern. “It’ll work! Well maybe.” After he said that She felt a lump in her throat.

“But what if it doesn’t.” Her voice shook more with each word.

“We’ll drop like a stone.” His tone was grim. Her eyes widened.

“But even if it does work, we’ll end up…”

“Who knows where.” They said it together. She turned to him. There eyes met. They were silent.

“It’s been good knowing ya Red.” She wanted to tell him she was sorry, but, the timing felt off. So she instead leaned into him. Next thing she knew they had jumped. His so called parachute was working. As they descended red began to recognize where they were going. Once they had landed they were swarmed with Fraggles. Their friends front and center. Red smiled at him as he spoke to Wembley. But red once again could only hear her heartbeat In his ears

‘wait can’t he whistle now?’ She thought. So she told the others and just hoped he could. An all too familiar tune came out of his lips. Red felt proud of him. Her smile wide. ‘But he’s your ex.’ Her brain repeated the reminder as Boober continued his classes. Red wandered off stating she needed to rest after all the excitement. She sat down on her hammock. “Oh lanford, you would not believe what happened to me today.” The plant tilted his head at her. “I was stuck on a tiny ledge with Gobo of all Fraggles. It was not enjoyable. Especially with all the tension between us right now. I thought I had moved on. Guess three days isn’t enough time Is it?”

“Red? You in here?” She gasped and hid. Gobo walked in. “Funny I thought I heard her voice in here.” Lanford tilted his head toward where Red had hidden.

“Traitor!” She hisses.

“Red?” He was stood in front of her.

“And to what do I owe the pleasure?” Her tone was sarcastic.

“I’m sorry.” He paused. “Not just for today, but, for everything Red.” She looked up at him.

“While I appreciate It greatly. I don’t need your dumb apologies.” He sighed.

“Worth a shot.” He shrugged. Her heart pounded.

‘Oh what the heck’ she muttered. She caught up to him and grabbed his arm. “I-Im Sorry too.” He glanced at her “I also said something’s that I regret. But, I know I’m not gonna regret this.” She cupped his face and kissed him gently. His lips were chapped. Red made a mental note to get something for that from Mokey. When she went to pull back it finally registered In Gobos head what was happening and he grabbed her around the waist pulling her back In. When they parted he pressed his forehead to hers.

“Can we give the dating thing another shot?” Red nodded.

“I’d. Like that a lot.”

Once Wembley had been told the full story the way they acted had made a lot more sense, But he was glad that they were able to fix things. He wasnt sure he could handle the pressure.

[theworldsoul]

Sorry guys, I'm gonna vent Again, so if you don't want to read it just feel free to skip this post

Okay so basically we have a Gecko. Don't ask, that's another story for another time. My dad has grown fond of it, and I used to think he was cool until a specific day. On that say I fed him worms with a tweezer. When I picked them up, I could PHYSICALLY FEEL THEIR PAIN. I dont really know what happened there, but I physically felt their pain and i squeezed them. My dad said, "squeeze harder, do it by the head", and i tried it and i felt a jolt of pain... I told myself "you are just imagining the pain, its okay" but then when I looked back at the worm, squirming and struggling... I connected some dots in my brain and this hard realization came upon me, that I was causing this poor creature pain. I began to cry and my dad had to feed the gecko that day. Ever since then I havent interacted with the gecko because every time I do it freaks me out a bit. I dont really understand what happened that time but I want to forget about it before I go near the gecko again. I've been trying to get closer to him but I always freak out.

So today I was on my computer, right? Drinking a tea. Trying to feel peaceful. Then all of a sudden my dad is there, all happy with the gecko, and I go "oh hi!!!" Because I am under the impression that the gecko will stay ON HIS HAND. Of course I'm wrong. My dad encourages him to go onto the table to see me. I EXPECT the gecko to walk onto the table and towards me, but TO MY SURPRSISE, the gecko basically jumpscares me by suddenly jumping from his hand onto and nearby watterbottle. I jump a bit, startled, and I spill tea all over my computer, the table, and my sleeve. As I'm processing what happened I'm overtaken by fear and I begin to cry.

Of course I'm fine and I'm just overreacting, but I was scared. I wasnt hurt, my computer mousepad barely works now but I wasnt hurt. So why was I so scared of a little gecko? I dont know. So I'm crying and trying to clean up the mess of tea everywhere and my dad is mad at me for spilling my tea and he asks why I did that and I tell him that I was scared since it jumped so suddenly, yknow I wasnt expecting it. I dont remeber his exact words but it was soemthing about me being 15, like "oh well since you're 15 now you should grow the fuck up" basically. Then he left. Like???? I am literally trying to get my breathing back to a normal pace because I'm SCARED, I was just JUMPSCARED, and you get MAD AT ME??? YOUR CHILD IS FUCKING SCARED AND YOU JUST LEAVE THEM?? the whole time I was cleaning I could hear him in the other room talking to the gecko, all carefree and happy... while I did my best not to cry. Damn okay. It almost made me feel like I was below human.

Usually this wouldnt be such a big fucking deal, but I'm an emotional person. And also I notice that,,, whenever my sister is scared they lunge at the chance to help her feel safe again. It's like they hate me specifically.

I know I'm making a big deal out of something that is really not a big deal. Really all that happened was a little gecko jumped and I got scared. I'm overdoing it. But that's just how I am now. I really don't want to believe that I'm broken or anything, but fuck i think i genuinely am messed up if stupid shit like this makes me freak out... reminder that this all began with EMPATHIZING WITH A FUCKING MEALWORM. I'm jsut so fucking broken. And in the moments I was left alone to console myself as quietly as possible so as not to make anyone angry, I felt my body become possessed with another soul.

This happens sometimes, where I will sorta have the mindset of a child. I force it sometimes to cope, but other times it happens on it's own whenever I feel unloved or otherwise bad like this. I'm not too sure if this is a normal thing. But I describe it as possession. The fact that that event made me get possessed is kinda a big deal. Usually that only happens at REALLY BAD THINGS.

But this wasn't really bad... I'm just being sensitive and overdoing it.

Honestly my parents are right... I really do need to grow up. But I think I have something wrong with me, with my brain, because there are just so many things about this story that are so... wrong. Like, what sort of person freaks out and cries for an hour because they got jumpscared? What sort of person then has their body SWITCH SOULS because they feel like their parents dont love them? WHAT SORT OF PERSON EMPATHIZES WITH A WORM??? it's all so weird. Like, who knows, maybe my parents arent that bad, maybe I'm just like... weird. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm making such a big deal out of it... but I cant help it. That's just my emotions.

Shit, I should really get a therapist. All the ones I've been to so far tell me my emotional reactions are totally normal but THIS DOESNT SEEM FUCKING NORMAL TO ME. I've overreacted to shit my whole life. It's not. Helpful.

On another note, I notice that my crying doesnt induce a "concern" reaction in my father. It induces an "anger" reaction. They arent bad people, I just... I'm beginning to think they really fucking hate me.

They have all the reaosn to, but a lot of those reasons are things that couldve been fixed early on if the adults around me cared about my feelings enough to try to sort them out. It's been fifteen years and now I'm fucked up. Irreversible. Just. So.. so fuckinf damaged. I dont think I'll ever be normal. And I hate ft. But it cant happen.

Soemtimes I think it was a bad idea to choose to live after the party. It was the perfect time to die and I told myself no, dont do it. It was... perfect. Calling to me. I think it was my destiny to die that day. I think that now I am cursed since I dodged my destiny.

I try not to think that way. I tell myself that I am going to change so much. I tell myself that my passion will be my strength. But the way my life is going, it really doesnt feel like I will become anything good.

I'm failing my classes. They KNOW about my soul shifting. I cry too much. All I ever do is draw STUPID FUCKING DRAWINGS and play STUPID FUCKING MUSIC and play fashion designer in my room stitching things up... fucking hell. They're right to hate me. I'm a failure. But they're also wrong to hate me. A lot of the things they dont like about me are things that are THEIR FAULT.

Man, I dont even know what to think anymore. All I really ever wanted was their love. But it's impossible for me to get it now, so I should just forget about it. I cant though. It plagues me. The thought that they hate me. It hurts me. And when its confirmed to me... i'm sorry. All I ever do is complain about the most mundane bullshit ever. My parents are proabbly actually good people I'm just overdoing it because I'm I'm proabbly mentally ill or soemthing. And I'm a failure anyways so I cant fucking blame them for not liking me that much anwyays. God, fifteen is very old. And I'm a boy. I hate to say it but they're right. Fuck, they're right. I cant be crying... I'm so oversensitive. But wait, why am I trying so hard to justify their ideas? ITS BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY CONDEMNING THEIR ACTIONS. WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY. goddamn it...

I dont know how I'm gonna fix this though. I kinda wish my parents would treat me with the softness that I NEED, that my mind NEEDS and has needed for a while now, but I know that wont happen and really I'm just this overgrown child thing and oh fuck I wonder who's fault that is??? Cos it isn't all on me. Oh shit, now I'm scared. If I get a bad mark on my test my parents will freak out. I think I'm going to cry again. Fuck man, I try my hardest, it's just I'm literally defective. I cant do any better. I've been set up to fail anyways. Fuck. I just... I dont know, I wish things were different.

This is stupid and I'm being stupid and freaking out over one little thing. Fuck.

[hoodwinkedtoohoodvsevil]

sappy "i've loved my spesh for a year now" post

[[MORE]]

one year ago today, i got into twrp.

that's not to say i wasnt familiar with them before june 3rd, 2019. my big love was nsp, so i very much knew and appreciated them! i remember when nsp played on conan i was so happy for all of them and hoped twrp was getting just as much credit as nsp because they totally deserve it! i remember listening to guardians of the zone a couple years back in david's car and latching onto rock n roll best friends (my first favorite twrp song and still one of my faves!) and listening to that a lot. i remember the third starbomb album coming out last april and thinking, wow, this is definitely their best album musically because of twrp's instrumentation! and of course, like everyone else, i was obsessed with starlight brigade when the video came out, and recognized it was twrp's song featuring dan, not just a dan project. but i didn't have their names memorized, and for whatever reason, i thought they were all silent performers? like, i thought none of them talked and sung only talked/performed with talkbox. (i mean, i was like 60% right? at least at the time.)

on this day last year, i was showing my best friend arin and suzy's (gg) hot pepper gaming videos and then i noticed twrp's in the related videos. i was like oh my gosh! i didn't know twrp did one of these! and you can imagine my surprise when sung and meouch started talking fhfhdjdlfj i was literally like WAIT THEY TALK??? I REALLY THOUGHT NONE OF THEM TALKED. it's always really funny to look back on. and even though they spent most of that video suffering i thought they were so funny and likeable that i was like. maybe i should finally actually get into twrp.

and holy shit.

there's so much to twrp that i know i didn't do it all in a day. it's hard for me to get used to a band by listening to all their music once, so i took it album by album. i started with guardians of the zone, because i was already very familiar with it. listened to that on loop for a while, then moved onto together through time since it was their most recent album at the time. then, i went backwards from there.

i searched for all the lore i could. i read wiki pages, spent literal hours reading reddit AMAs, watched every video on their youtube channel and the hour long compilation of their instagram videos. this all took place over the span of like? a few days? a week? it's hard to say really. i fell so fast.

from that point on, i have so many stories, we would be here all day. i remember listening to believe in your dreams on repeat the day i became a d*sney trainer, and the literal day after that, they released hidden potential. then of course, the release of return to wherever, which i listened to nonstop for ages. the album is my jam because i love albums with a cohesive theme and songs that blend into each other. it's hard to beat together through time, but rtw comes really close.

i saw them for the first time live on july 30th, 2019. unfortunately, something happened that night that changed my life for the worse. but that wasn't twrp's fault at all. the show itself was incredible. i'd never been to a general admission concert of one of my faves, it was absolutely surreal that they were all right in front of me. and of course, they put on a hell of a show. they always do. god, i love them.

on august 9th 2019, i went to my first sung stream. it was a party stream and i'm on the east coast, so i stayed up until 3 AM to hear sung give me my first talkbox shoutout. i recorded it and still have the video. it made me smile in the early part of a very dark time in my life.

i made a lot of friends in that stream, we all shared twitters and i'm still friends/mutuals with all of them! and i've only made more friends since, especially at nsp10. nsp10 was incredible for many reasons, but a big one was that the three hours my fiancé and i were waiting outside the venue to be let in, we were just walking around saying hi to my twrp friends, meeting a bunch of them for the first time. and i made new friends! i remember standing in a group, shivering in my heart boner cosplay, and one of the guys saying "you're artie, right? i follow you on twitter, i love your cosplay!" he seemed like he was really gathering the courage to say it to me, he had no idea how happy it would make me! (shoutout to logan! you're awesome!)

really, if any of my twrp friends are reading this, i love you to pieces. meeting you has definitely been a high point of the last 365 days.

again, i have so many stories. but since this is already so long i'm just gonna cut to march 5th, 2020. that was the night i met them. now, i'm not a shy person at all, and over the past few years i haven't really been very socially anxious. i'm able to carry myself in conversation, even with strangers. but i've never met a fave before. let alone four faves at once. so, naturally, everything i had planned on saying completely left my brain. but they're literally the best, so it was still an absolute dream. the first thing sung said when he saw me was "hey you look great!" (my outfit was clearly inspired by his own, fancy orange hat and all, so he probs wanted to Respect The Drip but he was right regardless and also HOLY SHIT) and i had my baby porg gary with me (the sunshine of my life) and they all interacted with him and it was super wholesome.

they played two nights in orlando, and i went to both shows because of course i did. first night was great, second night was even better even though that was my GA show. they played life party on night 2, which might as well be my favorite song of all time. it has carried me through every bad moment since i first heard it. big and small. i have a lyric from it tattoo'd on my arm as a constant reminder that i'm alive, and that is something to be ecstatic about. i also had more room to dance and move around on night 2, and dance and move around i did. then, when the show was over and scatman played, i got out everything else i had. august-november 2019 was actual hell for me, and i was still dealing with the aftermath of it all. but that concert high made me realize, holy shit! all of it is over! it doesn't matter anymore! twrp carried me through one of the roughest periods of my life, and met me at the finish line with a fucking gold medal. i fucking did it. now i have none of the bad, and all of the good. it was one of the best feelings i've ever had, and one of the happiest nights of my life.

since then, twrp continues to keep me going. of course the world has been a total shitshow, but everyone's streams (especially the twrp show) have been the highlight of my week every week.

i've always considered myself a very positive person, but last year was a very bad year for my depression, as well as traumatic at times. and i've always had problems feeling understood. i still do. but twrp said hey! literally nobody understands us. not even ourselves! but that's okay! we want you to be happy and feel loved and supported no matter what. and i really can't thank them enough for it.

this part is mostly for another longer post, but i wanted to mention it since it's also really important. i fully came to terms with being a mlm last year after years of compulsory heterosexuality, and twrp played a big part in me exploring and accepting that about myself. and i was already very secure in my gender identity when i found them, but hearing "this song goes out to all the ladies, fellas, and everyone in between" shook me to my very core. i've never loved a band that literally said "shoutout to trans/nb people" at every concert. god. i love them so fucking much.

so this was even longer than i expected (and i expected it to be long bc yknow. spesh.) but i just have so much love and gratitude for this band. every day of my life i'm so thankful that doctor sung, commander meouch, lord phobos, and havve hogan exist and are spreading all this love and positivity to their fans every day. i've never loved a band like this, and i probably never will. they are truly special.

and it's only been a year!!!!

[pbandjesse]

Its so humid tonight. I have felt kind of woozy all day. And now James doesnt feel good. He just went to lay down. I think a lot of it is stress. For both of us. Maryland is allowing outdoor seating at restaurants tomorrow even though cases are rising? It makes no sense and James is really worried something is going to pop off here. Watching what is happening in Minneapolis has been making me feel really sad and scared. I miss that city and honestly I wish I could be there to support them. It hurts knowing people I care about are here, but really that all of this is happening now. Maybe real change will happen. But in the meantime I worry about people getting food. That area was already a food desert. And now its going to be worse. 

Like honestly fuck that target, it ruined the local buisness structer and closed all the other food stores. But if thats closed where are they gonna get food. Ive seen some posts from friends about food banks and things but cops have been known to destroy supplies before. It feels like a war. 

A lot of that has been on my mind today. And it had me just so tired. I slept okay. But I woke up really woozy and I felt really weak. James made me a really nice breakfast and I took a shower. I just felt off all day. 

James had to go to work and I was sad to see him go. I really wanted to get some stuff done today but I found doing anything very hard.

I did do some cleaning. I did do some art. I mostly laid in the studio in front of a fan with sweetP. 

I had my work meeting. Finally got work that I can go to the school next week to get my stuff and help move things. I am like. Not looking forward to being near people but I am glad to get my stuff back. I have a lot of containers there. And my long board and scooters. 

I was really really tired all day. The meeting was fine but I was really tired but there wasnt time to actually sleep. So I tried to shake it off. I walked around the apartment. I had lunch. It started to rain really hard outside. But it was that good kind of rain with no wind, and it was like big drops straight down. I just stood on the fire escape and let the rain just fall on me. It felt great. 

It gave me a little energy for our class. Which was kind of a flop. But whatever. We only had one kid for the first half so he showed us the science kit he just got and did experiments for us. And then 2 others came. It reminded me why I usually work with kids under 4th grade. Once they get to 5th grade they think everything in cringy and they are to cool for things and I cannot deal with that. Like I am the cringiest and uncoolest person to older kids (like 12-15) but Im really fun to younger kids. But that little middle areas (11/12) start to think things are uncool, or babyish, even if its totally age appropriate and they shame their classmates for liking normal age appropriate things. And thats what happened today and it was really frustrating and I told her it was not okay. Ah well. 

I really wish I knew what was happening this summer. Like Im pretty positive summer camp is not happening, and the BMI finally had to let us all go, and now AA is trying to do a camp but theres no way. I just cant imagine anything is going to happen and I just. Want to be in the woods making art with kids and playing in the dirt. And because they are opening things without ever really doing a proper lockdown and cases are going up, summer is going to not happen. And like I know its a little thing. And it will be okay. But I am sad about not going swiming. Like they are talking about opening public pools and stuff but I just dont feel comfortable with that. Maybe the ocean or a lake, but no pools for sure. And like. People dont know how to act half the time. I have been thinking about things like. Ration books. And how that could be a useful thing for like. Spaces? Does that make sense. Like a ticket system. Im no sure. But I both want things to feel normal and change for good and also I dont want anything to open yet at all because it feels so dangerous still. 

James got home around 430 and I was super tired still. So after we talked about dinner, he told me to take a nap. 

So thats what I did. I slept and felt weird and got really overheated but its fine. James made baked pasta and it was really good. We laid together for a while and I love him very much but his face was all hot. He took his temperature but it was normal. So he just took some asprin and laid down. 

I am going to go wash my face now and try to cool off. I hope that I can just sleep okay and tomorrow will be a better day. I really hope it is. I hope its softer for all of us. 

[coridallasmultipass]

Tmi / personal / endometriosis and menstrual issues / surgery / long post / venting ... I finally had a laparoscopic surgery done yesterday and they were able to confirm for me that i have endometriosis and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted! All my fucking life ive dealt with excruciating cramps and heavy bleeding during menstruation and i just wish i could go back in time and give a big 'fuck you' to everyone who ever told me "cramps are like this for everyone!" Or "just exercise, it helps!" Or "orgasms help with cramping!" Like hooooooh boy I knew it and im so glad to have all the cysts out of me now. I had previously tried numerous birth control options to prevent cramping and bleeding and got excruciating cramps with literally All of them and constant bleeding with the depo shot. (I had a very painful internal ultrasound done, to hopefully diagnose endo by that route, but it was inconclusive - variations in the thickness of the endometrium, which could be endo or it could just be normal...) Most recent birth control was an iud and i had to go to the er the same evening because my body couldnt stand to have it in there causing so much pain, i couldnt stop screaming and it sucked. The iud was a few weeks ago ((and the proceedure to insert it was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life, and the same sharp pain continued through the following days until i got it removed) and i havent been able to sit straight since, i have to keep sitting to one side in order to not feel like having an ice pick jammed in me. Its gotten better since the iud was removed, but i still get a sharp pain when i have to sit on something hard. My doctor recommended me to have a diagnostic laparoscopy with cystectomy ASAP because of the iud problems and all my failed birth control attempts. Everyone in my family freaked out and kept pushing me to not go through with it, but I knew i needed to know what was causing me so much pain, like tbh, as a trans man, id prefer just a straight up hysterectomy, but yknow either way this is a step in that direction anyway. I have an aunt who had to have the same proceedure twice because of complications, and kept telling me her horror story about how painful recovery was and i was like 'trust me its not going to be worse than an iud because i thought i was dying' and she blew me off like 'its going to be wAY worse' like uh no bc an iud was 666/10 on the pain scale for me, i genuinely thought i was dying or would have a heart attack with how bad the pain was; plus ive had surgeries before and was completely fine after... Anyway fuck what my family said i went through with it anyway and it wasnt that bad of a proceedure to wake up from! My first thought was 'oh no, did they hospitalize me? I feel like ive been asleep for weeks!!' But it was just the recovery room. Ive usually done pretty well with recovery, and this was no different. The worst part of the recovery room was the sensation of needing to cough from where they had inserted the breathing tube for anesthesia. (Today my throat is still a bit sore, and my voice hoarse, but warm mint tea has been helping a lot for that.) I was also feeling cramps similar to mild-moderate menstrual cramping, (no where near the sharp shooting pain of the iud, and no where near my normal, unmedicated cramping which has had me doubled over screaming in pain until the medicine kicks in in the past), and of course a bit of soreness from the incision sites and the general soreness of having gas trapped in my body. (They have to pump a bit of gas inside you so its easier to look around, and some of it stays trapped in you after.) Its a pain similar to what ive felt before just from my fibromyalgia in general, so i was very relieved for the most part. I also felt myself bleeding a bit while i was still in the recovery room. (Gross and tmi, but im still having a spot of blood only when i wipe today, so thats a relief after having been bleeding a majority of the days over the past few months trying different BC options.) Strangely, when i got home i didnt feel groggy or in need of a nap like i have for surgeries in the past. I was also warned of having nausea from the anesthesia, but i had none at all!! And i was warned by multiple sources that i wouldnt have an appetite, but boy i ate almost Everything in the kitchen yesterday im pretty sure ive gone through a whole box of protein bars since yesterday too. Multiple sources (including my family member who had the same proceedure) warned of a sudden bad mood drop immediately after the proceedure, And i dont wanna jinx it, but I have been in such a good fucking mood since i got home yesterday, but maybe thats just the painkillers talking, but still I was at a total low point, like, cant-get-any-lower low point in terms of mood, but i just... feel so good (besides the aching and incision site pain lmao) On to the pain now... The worst of it was waking up this morning after the surgery day. I had quite a bit of the trapped gas pain when i first lied down at night (and when i tried to lie on my side) but the feeling doubled when i tried to get up. Im very bloated still. While the bloating itself isnt very painful, it feels like the stretching of my stomach is pulling at the medical tape covering my incisions which is making them hurt. Im not getting the trapped-gas-roaming-my-body feeling As Often, but its obviously still trying to dissipate. I feel it most while trying to take a deep breath like a bubble pressing against my ribs, but easing a deep breath slowly in and out moves it around and makes it less uncomfortable. Light exercise, like slow walking, is supposed to help your body absorb/dissolve/release the trapped gas. So i did 5 minutes on, 5 off for 3 times on the slowest treadmill setting earlier and im going to try again tomorrow for the same. (I feel like it made my bloating worse, so i had to go back to resting after, but ive been getting up and down to get food for my insatiable appetite lmao) Now the actual tmi and gross stuff: It is really fucking hard to pee. Straight up i have to concentrate so hard. Normally i lean over on my arm to help push it all out at once, but i cant do that with the incisions over my belly lmao. Shitting is just as hard, but the Shit Gods have blessed me with the Antibiotic Runs this morning so im all set for today lmao. Im really bummed tho they put a bandage over where my belly piercing is supposed to go, so i couldnt put it back in after the surgery. The whole, not being able to bend over thing, is reminding me of what its like to have a fresh belly piercing, and im groaning bc im gonna have to go thru with it again to get it back.... and i feel like i jUSt got it done... (it was summer last year) ughhhhhh.... oh well, like at least this time it should go in straight i hope? Also, obligatory vent that... having a fucking uterus does not make me a woman i wish doctors and nurses would use gender neutral language... TLDR; had a laparoscopic surgery to diagnose endometriosis and remove the uterine cysts caused by it, having a great recovery so far!! Still waiting on follow up from the doctor for my next step, but im feeling a lot better than when i was suffering cramps from every birth control i tried to get Rid of cramps

[peacedolantwins]

Can’t Unmiss You but I Need You Now (E.D.)

A/N: for the anon who sent in the request for I’m so Tired, here is it, I know its like.. two weeks later BUT I FINISHED! i definitely feel like I got off track oops so is it my best? no I dont think so but let me know what you guys think, enjoy maybe?

You dont even know what you two were fighting about at this point anymore. Your day had started off so great, you and Ethan both excited about the plans you had for later on tonight. It was Valentines day and the plan was to have a nice dinner together then come back to the house and finish showing each other just how much you loved the other. Somewhere along the way both of you ended up getting way more stressed than either of you should have been. Ethan forgot about something last minute he needed to do with Gray, which turned into two more tasks. You were feeling stressed because the dress you had planned on wearing had a huge rip in that you know wasnt there before so you were trying to find something else in your closet and not only that, but when you had gone to the store to pick up the gift you got for Ethan the store couldnt find it in all the orders they received. During this time you had been texting James who said he had a dress you could borrow, you were about to ask why he had a dress on stand by but he just said it was one Laura had left over before and he thought it would look good on you. He offered to do your makeup for you but you knew it would take way too long and time wasnt something you had right now. You still had to go back and finish getting ready for tonight but you thanked him nonetheless.

Ethan had come home a while ago and was waiting for you in the living room. You were finishing putting on your makeup when he came barging into the room.

“We were supposed to leave 20 minutes ago Y/N- you’re not even dressed?” He raised his voice towards the end which was putting you on edge considering the day you had.

“Give me five minutes I promise I’ll be done,” you sighed. He never told you what time to be ready by to be completely fair but you didn’t want to start something when you were supposed to be having a nice time together.

“Just forget it completely, there’s no point now,” he started taking off his jacket.

“Excuse me?”

“You already took too long to get ready, we were supposed to be there by now and the restaurant wont take us if were late to the reservation and at this point were-” he stopped to look at his watch, “five minutes late.” He looked at you like all of this was completely your fault and you were in no mood to be putting up with this.

“Ethan you never told me what time we were leaving at! Sure we may have missed the reservation, but babe we can go somewhere else,”

“Why? So we can wait for hours with everyone else who didn't care enough to plan for today?” He spat back at you. “Just forget it. Do whatever you want, I'm gonna go to James's party with Gray so dont wait up,” with that he grabbed his jacket again and walked out of the room leaving you shocked and confused as to how this day went so bad so fast.

You didnt want to just sit around the rest of the night so when your girl friends texted in the group chat about their plan to go bar hopping you said you were in and they would be there to pick you up in half an hour. You finished your makeup and went to put on the dress your friend gave you and you took a moment to take in your appearance because damn. The dress was a bit short and hugged you in all the right places and you can definitely see why he gave you this one to borrow for tonight because you had to admit- you looked good.

The red satin dress ended just inches away from where your legs met you body, the plunging v-line cut let nothing to the imagination and it showed off your waist in all the right ways and once your friends texted they were outside, you threw on a cropped leather jacket and out the door you went.

~~

Ethan arrived at the party with Grayson and after a questioning look from James he left to walk around the house. He knew he had gotten a bit over dramatic with you earlier but he was stubborn and as much as he wanted to, his pride wouldnt let him go back and apologize and try to make things better. He was surrounded by people he barely knew and most of them were here with their significant other. They were playing some sappy love song in the kitchen and a few people were dancing along to it. He watched on as a couple just held one another and swayed together to the song. Every song they were playing seemed to remind him of you and he couldnt help but think about how he just left you at the house alone. Ethan knew he had over reacted but he had wanted this day to be perfect for the two of you and as the day went on, nothing had gone as planned and being late to the dinner was the final push. He was upset with himself for how he talked to you and he knew it wasnt your fault since he never did say what time to be ready but the damage was already done.

He wasnt even having fun at this party, Grayson had even come around a few times to tell him to stop looking so down because people were getting worried about him. Honestly at this point he just wanted to go back home and try to apologize. As he was about to take out his phone to text you, he got a notification that you had posted to your instagram.

Your friends had tried to cheer you up and you were doing your best to not be such a buzzkill when they were trying to have a good time, and apparently the only solution you all could come up with was to make sure you were the first one drunk. As soon as you had all gotten to the first bar, they were already ordering a round of shots and also trying to pick which drink they should make you drink and since they couldnt decide, you ended up with two cocktails. You had all taken a few pictures in the bathroom mirror, as a group of drunk girls naturally does and ended up posting a few to your story. Now, a few hours and way too much alcohol, the idea of getting you drunk enough to have fun worked. For a while. You all seemed to forget that while you were fun drunk, you also had a habit of getting extremely emotional. You’re friends had already cut you off after the amount of drinks you had already had and once you started for asking the bartender for something stronger after every drink you had.

While one of your friends sat there with you to take care of you before the night was over, you heard the song you and Ethan would always play when you were in the car going somewhere. It was something you would always do together and now here you were listening to it without him on what was supposed to be a happy and good night for the two of you. There really was something that made it that much more sad listening to it by yourself now.

You couldnt help but think about how he was spending his night. Was he having fun with Grayson at James’ party? Did he even miss you? Was he spending his night talking to other girls while you sat here, drunk and tired on your friends shoulder? Was he going to come back to the house tonight or would be spending the night there? You had so many questions but you were scared about what the answers would be. You had wanted to text him earlier but your friends had taken your phone within the first 30 minutes of picking you up and saw how much you kept checking it to see if maybe he would text you first. That was about 4 hours ago and even though you had gotten into an argument, you missed him.

You missed spending time with him. Sure, you two had had fights with one another before in the past, but you never left each other upset. You two usually just went to opposite sides of the house to calm down before one of you ended up apologizing to the other. This was the longest one of your fights had ever gone on and it was worrying. Even though you didn’t think the fight was your fault, you didnt care right now and just wanted to talk to him.

Your friend finally gave you back your phone because the notifications kept going off.

E: Babe, I’m sorry

E: I saw the picture you posted, you look good

E: I hope you’re having a good time

E: Call me when you get the chance please?

E: It’s been a few hours now, if you’re still mad thats okay, just let me know youre okay

E: Y/n, please call me or text me

E: I know this is my fault but let me know you’re okay please? I’m getting worried

E: Its been over three hours baby and y/f/n isnt answering either please call me

You knew he was used to you having your phone on you at all times so you not answering him must have had him pretty worried. You might have planned on giving him the cold shoulder for a little bit, but you never wanted to make him worried about you.

You: I’m okay, sorry didnt mean to worry you

His reply was almost instant.

E: It’s okay mama, glad to know youre okay, have fun with your friends just text me if you need anything, I’ll see you at home

While you did have a good time with your friends, you were done for the night. You just wanted to go back home and cuddle up in bed ideally with your boyfriend even if things weren’t so great with you guys right now.

You: Will you come pick me up please?

E: Is everything okay?

You: I’m fine, I just wanna go home

E: Sure, send me the address and I’ll text you when I’m there

After you sent him the address, you found the rest of your friends to let them know you were leaving soon. They were bummed out you wouldnt be there with them for the rest of the night, they all said goodbye and gave you hugs before they went back to dancing with some guys they found. You waited by the bar nursing a glass of water, already knowing your head was going to be killing you in the morning. When your phone went off, you walked outside to find Ethan waiting by the entrance and he quickly wrapped his arms around you.

“I’m sorry about today babe, I didnt mean to talk to you like that earlier.” He placed his head on top of yours after placing a kiss on your forehead.

“S’okay.” You were already falling asleep and he was just so soft and warm.

“It’s really not, but okay, come on lets get you home before you fall asleep right here.” He lead you back to the jeep and helped you in, making sure your seatbelt was on. On the ride back, he kept the volume low and he felt your hand slip into his when you’re guy’s song came on. He brought your hand up and kissed the back of your hand before putting your hands back down and rubbing his thumb over your knuckles. Somewhere along the way, you fell asleep with your head resting on the center console and didnt even notice the car had stopped moving.

Grayson had already gone back to the house so Ethan texted him and asked him to come open up the front door so he could carry you in without having to wake you up. While he had carried you before in the past with no problems, turns out carrying you drunk and completely dead weight wasn’t the easiest. After struggling to figure out how to lift you out of the car, he figured he could put Gray to use.

“Watch her head,” He stood right there next to Gray while he picked you up, not wanting you to get hurt.

“Dude chill, I’ve got her, relax,” Grayson easily carried you to Ethan’s room and placed you on the bed before leaving you two in the room. He took off your makeup the best he could and grabbed you one of his shirts but he couldnt figure out how to get you of your dress without waking you up because it really was tighter than he first thought it was. He didn’t want to wake you up but he knew that was the only way to get it off you.

“Y/n c’mon get changed then you can go back to bed,” he gently shook you awake and couldnt help but laugh at your annoyed face before you begrudgingly stood up to take off the dress. He watched you struggle for a minute trying to get the zipper down before he went over and unzipped it for you. Once it was down far enough you practically ripped off yourself before throwing yourself back down on the bed in only your underwear, not even bothering to put anything else on. Having already woken you up enough, Ethan decided to just let you be and put the blanket over your body before grabbing another one and getting ready to head to the couch.

“Where are you going?” you sleep filled voice startled him since he thought you were out like a light.

“Shh, just go back to bed babe, I’ll be on the couch,”

“You don’t want to sleep with me?” His heart broke at hearing how upset you sounded and he knew he had to fix this before you got worked up and started crying. He knew drunk you had a tendency to cry a lot and he had to work quick.

“What? No mama, of course I do I just didn’t think you would want me here with you. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay here with you. I wont leave I promise.” He came back over to his side of the bed and climbed in and soon found himself with you already draping yourself over him.

“Stay,” you mumbled into his neck, getting comfortable.

“Always,” he placed a kiss on the top of your head before pulling the blankets up to cover you both and went to bed feeling so glad that everything was going to be okay with you two.

[athenakassandra]

The Other Side of the Fence

I can almost feel it. It’s there. I can feel my fingertips are brushing against what I’ve been missing all these years. If I was in a race, the line’s right in front of me. I knew this is it. After all this time, it’s finally here for taking.

All I gotta do now is cross it.

But... how? It seems so simple, right? Cross it. Just finish and claim the prize. Isn’t that how it’s done? JUST DO IT.

I wish it was that simple. I forgot, after eight long years, that there’s a fence. I stare at it like I did so many years ago, and somehow it looks the same. It has aged a good deal, and it almost looks vulnerable now. But as I’ve proven all those years, it’s deceptively impenetrable.

The hardest part about the fence is that it has a lot of things that I want on the inside, things that I dream about on a regular basis. Things I’d give up a lifetime to be a part of. When mom (not my mom) talks about these i feel the pain of missing out of them. What’s most painful and cruel is that I can see everything from where I stand, and watch other people enjoy the things i want, but will never have.

I see a kid running full speed towards me as if seeing something he has seen for the first time. I bet he’s curious as he comes over just a few steps from the fence. He stopped dead in his tracks and just stares at it like it’s a blank wall. That’s how the fence works, I see everything from the outside, but they will never see me. I recognize the kid. It’s my boy, and I felt the tears start falling. Tears of joy? Maybe. My son makes me happy even by just the simplest of things, but it made me sad and frustrated that I loved him since the day he was born and yet he has doesnt and perhaps never will meet me. He’s such an angel, and I remember holding his hand once when he was two years old, and I remember it like I just let go of it. It hurt that he was someone else’s, but eventually I realized it was through him I truly learned -- and understood -- the word sacrifice. I felt, for the briefest of instances, like I was a part of something bigger. He has grown now, and he looked great. I know he’s gonna grow up well and do well. He’s gonna be seven this year, and I wonder what to give him on his birthday. A new toy? His mother tells me the boy likes to play a lot. Perhaps a new iPad. Or Maybe a real father? I don’t know. That’s up to mom. We stare at each other, him with a piercing look and me trying not to scare him. I know he doesnt see me, but I still stare back in regret and longing, when I hear a commanding voice from afar, and we both look at where it’s coming from. It was my son’s grandma.

Mama, as she’s fondly called, comes over and carries my boy away. As badass as she looks, she owns what’s got to be one of the softest hearts, as I’m told. I found it hard to believe at first, as when I met her like twice before I just remember being scared shitless by just meeting her gaze. Like I mentioned earlier she has a commanding voice, and my son walks toward her, giving the fence one final glance as if he saw someone or something there. I hear his aunt call him out as well, offering something I couldn’t see from this distance. Aunt’s also gonna be a mother soon. She looks like 98% mom, and I used to think of all the high fives we’re gonna have and all the high pitched laughs because of all the inside jokes about mom that we’re gonna share. She’s had a difficult life, and I’d like to think that she having a child soon is one of the steps toward the right direction. I wish this family all my best, even if they have no clue who I am and I doubt they’ll ever know me. I sigh and take back a deep breath, wishing this wasnt the case.

The other day mom told me a couple stories while we were driving home. The way she talked made me feel like she’s somewhat venting, though I didnt really mind. I want her to do that. I want her to tell me everything. I want to help her when she’s feeling down, console her when she’s hurt, and laugh with her when she’s happy. I realized it’s also one of the things the fence keeps me from having. The everyday life stories, from the simplest to the most outrageous, is one of the things I want to share with mom. It’s basically the life together, the chaos, and it just hurts not being there when she needs someone to hold her. Life just aint fair.

It felt so good to daydream. It’s a beautiful night, and though the silence doesn’t give off the best of vibes I’m trying to have when I write, it’s good enough to just summon my thoughts. The bad thing, however, about daydreaming is that it feels so real at one point and then with a blink of an eye, it’s gone. It’s just gone, and all I can see is pitch black, I feel the emptiness that has devoured all the things joyful I can ever think of, and I’m alone again. Then, in the middle of all this, I see mom. I see her talking to our son and wiping the sweat off his forehead down to his face. This sets my mind off again, reminiscing how I loved and lost the love of my life.

Mom and I were never the convenient love story. We’re one of the against-all-odds, spontaneous, and heart-wrenching ones. It was never easy for us, which was clear from the start, and we had to fight for what we have. I’d like to think that it made us indestructible, and the joy and passion we shared for one another remains unmatched, though historically one thing or two always ends up breaking us apart. I dont know what it is, but before she left for the last time, I remember us being able to take a piece of each other. During cold days and hard times I hold onto that piece to give me hope. I always clutch at it whenever I feel insecure, unloved, and rejected. It somehow makes me feel her heart and her love, though it’s ironic because I got it when she left, but undeniably, it works. She’s also the one person I know I can talk to when nobody else will. She’s the only one who can calm me when my stupid temper just decides to go off. Heck she even made me want that homeless-looking Post Malone. I loved her for it. I still do. She makes my heart smile and full in a way nobody else can, like nothing else matters in the world but us. I’m 29 and I still feel butterflies in my stomach when I kiss her hand. We still make out like we used to in our early 20′s, and when our lips touch, I can feel all the love that I missed all these years. The stars are back, and I just don’t want to let go.

But, I have to. I still have to go back to my world, and she has to hers. It’s what the fence divides, and unlike eight years ago I have a ticking time bomb that’s not gonna stop. It’s strapped to the fence, and if we destroy the fence the bomb goes off as well. It’s either we hit two birds in one stone by eliminating both the bomb and the fence, or we die and lose our souls again. I look at mom’s eyes and i’d like to believe it’s somewhat different now, that she’s gonna have something to do about whatever the outcome’s gonna be. It gives me hope, and like I said, I can almost feel it. I think we’re closer this time. Better.

And then again, the fence is deceptively strong. We can always go around it and do whatever we want, but the fence will just remind us that we will be separated at the end of the day. I dont want to do that anymore if it was up to me. I just want to go home to my wife and son and live a simple life.

I love you, mom, I love you so much. You know this, and you also know there’s nothing I wouldnt give. It’s up to you now, but please dont go to a place where I cant follow. Even if we fail again, my heart and the best parts of me will always belong to you. Hopefully I see and touch your face today.

I’ll just be where I can be found a lot this past couple of weeks --- right outside the fence, waiting for you.

[musgo]

5 6 19

thank you so much for sending sdcjnskjdn i uhhhh recorded all of these basically immediately after you sent them but then i listened back and felt like i suonded so annoying and went on too long and my pronunciation wasnt very clear so i postponed posting them sdjnvdjs i decided to transcribe what i said (under read more) cause that makes me feel better abt it. 

5. I’ll talk about what I did today

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0z7uDDcKzjQ

6. I’ll talk about something I’m obsessed with/currently interested in

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0iLq52dlB1y  (the very good video i talk about: https://youtu.be/-6lMD9h_ix4)

19. I’ll talk about something I’m proud of

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0lPPvmwbvbI this ones the most ebarassing cause i decided to have fun and try switching to my alternative, vaguely british-inspired “accent”,,,, also the cohesion ... she just wasnt there.

5. today i went to college. i was really late and i missed the first class. i only attended one class today, cause i only have two classes per day rn - thats definitely gonna change next semester but anyway - the class was really good, the subject is Introduction to Literary Studies (i took a while cause i had to translate it from portuguese) but um yeah the class was about why humans create fiction. why humans.. you know.. how humans...... Human Nature is such that we are unsatisfied with reality and we create other lives and other experiences through fiction. and it’s not necessarily that we don’t like our reality, it could just be that it’s not enough; like, you could rly like your reality but you still have an innate, like.. NEED for experiencing Other Things that you couldnt in your own life. thats basically what the argument was, it was really interesting. and i rly like the teacher, she’s rly cool. so after that class i just had some lunch DELICIOUS the food in my college is so good ugh i love it so much and it’s just 2 reais for         for lunch when you’re a student there and it’s so good i’m.. ugh it’s the best part of college        cause its rly rly rly cheap for us students and it’s really good like It didnt even have to be that good cause it’s so cheap but it’s REALLY GOOD hh     um... yeah i love it  AND THEN after having lunch i went to the library which is a luh--another thing i rly like about my college cause  it’s the biggest library in my university.   so.. i study in the universtiy of são paulo which is one of the biggest universities in brasil .... so.. the campus is like rly huge and .. [i realized i was just explaining what a university is fsr?????? ]  uhhhh yeah i went to my library. [????? MY LIBRARY??? i dont own a library.] and i love my library theres like. i love to just walk around and see.    The Books cause theres like.. so such interesting books. and like books in so many languages... ugh it’s amazing so i went there to actually find some english learning books and i did , cause im trying to teach my sister english andt..    yeah i found this session-- Section. where theres all these    language learning books so theres like             a couple shelves that are like just english learning books and then theres a shelf thats just like japanese learning and then a couple shelves for russian   thens ome korean  some frickin SANSKRIT  latin ancient greek just everything . theeres also like indigenous south american languages which i was really happy to see and im definitely gonna check that out eventually but for today i just took the english ones cause ..  yeah i cant really  i dont really that much time and everyone for all that right now with college ..     AND THEN the rest of my day was that i left my phone!! cause i went to take the bus and  i left my pjhone on the bus stop.      i feel like my entonation is really annoying right now but yeah.. so yeah i left my phone on the bus stop and i was so scared.  i went back to the bus stop    got off the bus [wrong order] and it wasnt there , i went in the building - my college has 3 buildings for the different courses - i went in one of them cause i assumed it would be there because it was the closest to the bus stop so if somebody found my phone on the bus stop they wouldve taken it there and  left it there with the recepcionist or whatever so i went there and it wasnt there so iwas like “oh no its not here . maybe i left it in the bus instead of the bus stop and i just didnt notcie that it like fell from my pocket or sth.” so i took the bus again and went to the terminal which is where it would be if somebody found it in the bus and gave it to someone responsible for that stuff. but it obviously wasnt there. so i went home, very sad, This whole thing lasted like 2 hours and then its like over an hour for me to come home from college cause yk i live in a neighbouring city which is pretty close but its still an hour to an hour and a half everyday to go and ..... to go to and fro. is that how you say that expression idk . ...    and then when i got home!!!! i wnt in the facebook group of my college [course] to see if somebofy had posted something about a lost phone and Yes They Had they posted a photo of my phone and i was like oh thank god so im gonna get it back tomorrow. now im home im looking at my cat. occasionally looking after my nephews and my niece. and thats my day

6. i was sitting here thinking.. trying to think of something   and i remembered that--..............   Cause its rly hard for me to answer these questions where itsj ust one thing and i just..................          i just draw a blank whenever i get these questions but im just gonna say something that happened recently cause it was like : yesterday i found this video on youtube of a    an .. anemone? Swimming     like this starfish touches it and it like Changes Form it Elongates and just starts shaking to like get away. and its amazing it reminded me of how much i like Cnidarians(????)  the phylum .  the group of animals that includes jellyfish and corals, basically.   its just so cool like they alternate like one of the.... oh my gosh my house is so loud uhh...       yeah they like its really crazy i dont actually know a lot about it but i just think its so cool like the corals .. they.. reproduce.. and like.. their offspring sometimes is A Jellyfish . and then the Jellyfish sometimes produce Corals.   cause you look at the two things and they dont rly look that similar but they Are basically one and the same, and theyre Animals both of them just the same.  theyre just like inverted when you think about. its really cool and i didnt know that corals could MOVE like that just Get Out like... DeTach . from their thing and just start Swimming!! i had no idea that was a thing but yeah basically something that im obsessed with is um animals like that. the animals that arent chordates. so like sponges, cnidarians,  frickin ummmm echinoderms. You Can look at My Tags Page i have that stuff listed. i love it cause its so fun when you think about how theyre animals so theyre like closer to us structurally and cellularly than to other things.

19. you know. when people are mad at me for doing something not as fast as one possibly could or somethin like not understanding what they said or doing something a little bit wrong like following instructions a little wrong and you know when its not rly that important and people get mad and me for that and stuff.. i just.. i feel really happy that i'm not like that. cause i feel like most people around me.. they ARE like that like they just get so mad.. they allow themselves to get so mad about small things.. and i dont know i like that im pretty patient and i dont mind having to wait or to instruct someone a few times and correct them until they get it right and teach them and... all that. i dont know like i feel like.. idk im proud of myself for not like picking fights and getting mad at people for things that dont rly matter cause.. idk people around me do that a lot it makes me rly sad like... idk thats something i like abt myself i think i can like I'll feel angry sometimes and dont get me wrong anger is very necessary and its a very good thing when it is like... whats that word? its like... freakin.. deserved [i think the word i was looking for is "warranted"] like be angry at freakin capitalism or sth freakin racism you know set people on fire for that kinda stuff. but for small things on daily life i think people let it get to them too easily. and just create.. idk. it makes me sad so im happy that i dont have a lot of these impulses in these situations and when i do feel peeved from something petty im able to hold back cause im like.. its not worth it its just... this is so small. i'm.... you know? its not worht it.