#I’d be more satisfied if he described it as a deep depression. which is what it kind of is. but boiling it down to karma from Shinichiro’s

[haitanisbug]

Mikey’s dark impulse just being…karma…LMFOOABAHABWBWJABAHSHAHHA I hate this manga

[kenobiapologist]

Star Wars Novel Rankings

In celebration of the end of this year, I made a tier list of all of the Star Wars novels I’ve read since I joined this fandom in 2017 (which you can use to rank these books too). And I named all the tiers in a dorky but appropriate fashion. I would love to hear your thoughts on my rankings, as well as how you’d rank the books yourself! I’ve had a blast reading Star Wars novels from both Disney’s canon and the Legends extended universe over these past 3 years. Here’s to many more years of reading stories from the galaxy far far away! 

I put longer (but not more coherent) thoughts below the cut.

The Chosen One: Bringing Balance to the Force and My Depressed Soul

1. The first spot of top tier had to go to Matthew Stover’s Revenge of the Sith novelization for obvious reasons. You simply cannot beat it. It’s a masterpiece. I literally had to put the book down to scream when I read the prose associated with the opening battle over Coruscant. It gave a whole new meaning to the triumphant music and the synchronous twirling of Obi-Wan and Anakin’s starfighters as they weave through blaster-fire in the battle over Coruscant. The rest of the book is the same way. You can’t put it down. I have wAyyYyYy too many feelings about this book oh my god.

2. Thrawn was a surprising book for me. For being centered on an admiral of the Empire’s navy, it had so much heart in it! I loved reading from Eli Vanto’s perspective too. god dammit I love that freaking Wild Space hillbilly dweeb with all my heart. I think his experiences getting to know Thrawn and learning from him guides the reader to feel much the same way as Eli by the end. Thrawn is a trusted friend, not the enemy you expect him to be. I could have done without Arihnda Pryce but she’s supposed to be unlikeable so I won’t blame Timothy Zahn this time.

3. The Clone Wars Gambit duology is basically Karen Miller writing fanfic and I’m HERE FOR IT. As is tradition with Karen Miller’s Star Wars novels, the emotions are dialed up the eleven. Our favorite dumbass Jedi team is back at it again with a mission to save the galaxy and this time they end up going undercover as two lumberjacks from the boonies. Anakin holds an energy shield back from collapsing with his bare hands like a total badass. Obi-Wan is in love with another woman despite it always ending in tragedy, while also bickering like a married couple with Anakin every ten seconds. get a fucking room, you two. These two books inspired one of my fics so they’re near and dear to my heart.

Jedi Master: These Books Have A Seat On The Council Too

4. Wild Space was appropriately named, I’ll tell you that. It’s a wild ride from start to finish. *slaps the front cover* this book can fit so much of Obi-Wan’s suffering in it! @forcearama has elaborated on the many reasons why this book is a gem in Snark Wars blog posts (linked here). It’s also the beginning of the best team-up since Anakin and Obi-Wan...Bail and Obi-Wan! These two bastards get under each other’s skin but it makes for the perfect character development. This book is the reason I screech with delight whenever Bail Organa appears on screen, or is mentioned in conversation. Bail gets a mysterious tip about trouble on a planet, and Obi-Wan decides to go with him to investigate. Cue Sith-induced suffering. It’s cool to see a normal person experiencing the weirdness of Force sensitives and how the world has this extra level of sensory information in it. Plotwise this one isn’t the best, but I think the interactions between characters really shine in this novel. Karen Miller’s writing is like a cup of hot chocolate to me. Indulgent character insight, full of sweet moments, has a bunch of extra marshmallowy dialogue, you’re reading it to have a good time but not to be satisfied with plot. You get me?

5. Do I even have to explain myself here? Kenobi by John Jackson Miller is both an interesting western-style tale set on Tatooine, and a beautiful character study of a man stricken with grief he keeps suppressed. How does one continue on when their whole family was murdered and their whole culture burnt to ash? I wanted to give Obi-Wan a hug the entire time I read this. The characterization was spot-on, from the way he wrangled animals to the way he severed a man’s arm off in a bar with his lightsaber. And when he meets a woman named Annileen Calwell, or Annie for short, Obi-Wan can’t bring himself to call her by her nickname ever and if that doesn’t just break your damn heart fucking fuck.

6. Ahsoka was the first Disney canon book I ever read and it kickstarted my love for E.K. Johnston. The writing is simplistic, but that makes it easy to jump into. Overall, it’s a quick and enjoyable read. By far the best parts are the flashbacks that mull over memories Ahsoka has of the time before Order 66. That shit hits you right in the heart, man. And the part where Ahsoka equates Obi-Wan and Anakin to her adoptive family ohhhhhhh god the tears they flow like a river. There are scenes that allude to Ahsoka becoming the vital part of the Rebellion we know her to be from Rebels, balanced with her current struggles to survive and find herself. Despite having cast away her identity as a Jedi and having any remaining bits of her culture destroyed by Palpatine, Ahsoka shows us all how bright a hero can shine in the darkest of times. AND SHE WAS WRITTEN AS QUEER! finally some good fucking food.

7. Oh shit, another E.K. Johnston book? Don’t be surprised. She’s a prequel fan and so am I, hence why Queen’s Shadow is so high on the list. E.K. Johnston pays homage to our favorite queen and badass senator Padme Amidala. There’s politics, there’s solidarity between female characters, and Bail Organa is in it so you KNOW I simply must give it a high rating. All jokes aside, I thought the story added lots of little details to the world of Star Wars without it being all stereotypical sci-fi nerdy language. You know how people want to describe something beyond our technological capabilities so they throw a bunch of nonsense together like “pre-praxis crystal bio-anode circuitry”? I’m looking at you, Karen Miller, I love you but please. There is none of that in this book. It makes sense, it adds color and culture and life to the worlds of Star Wars. Most of all, it devotes time and love to developing Padme outside of her place in canon as Anakin’s wife, Queen of Naboo, and Senator. She is all of these things, but she’s human too. I do agree that the pacing is slow, but it’s something meant to be savored, I think. E.K. Johnston really shines when she’s writing dialogue because she gets these characters. That’s something to appreciate, because not all canon books agree with the way we’ve perceived the characters as an audience.

8. Rogue Planet chewed me up, spit me out, and declared me an even bigger stan for The Team. People who say Qui-Gon would have been a better master for Anakin can ~get out~ because I could read about these two hooligans getting neck deep in space shenanigans all damn day. Anakin is like twelve, which is a time in his training that we don’t get a lot of in canon. Personally, I think it was equal parts heartwarming and funny to read about their adventures. There is some angst sprinkled in there because hey, we’re reading about Anakin here, let’s not forget the emotional trainwreck that is Anakin Skywalker. The duo is sent to a planet that makes super fast ships that are ?sentient? or at least biologically active. They bond with the pilot, which makes Anakin perfect for this mission. There’s a scene where these little floof things attach all over tiny Anakin because he’s so strong in the Force and it’s god damn adorable how dare he?? I’d probably rate this one even higher if I read it again, but it’s been awhile. Characterization is spot on and reminiscent of Matthew Stover’s writing in how it highlights the strong bond between Obi-Wan and Anakin, how they’re fated to know each other. I’m a sucker for soulmates, what can I say? 

9. Lost Stars reads like a movie. Not a script, but just the perfect amount of detail that you can imagine the scenes but the pacing is still quick, the dialogue smooth and natural. I couldn’t help wishing this was a film because the story was so all-encompassing. The highs and lows of the emotions of both protagonists, their relationship developing, the differences in culture. Folks, this book has it all! It’s a totally different perspective on the events of the original trilogy, seen from the side of Imperial cadets training to become pilots. Eventually, one splits off and joins the Rebellion while the other perseveres in the Empire. It’s like star-crossed lovers, but covers so much more ground than that. And the characters are fully developed. These original characters knocked my socks off, and that’s hard to do since I’m usually an Obi-Wan stan through and through. For anyone uncertain of reading Star Wars novels, this book is a great place to start. Action-packed, emotion-filled, and stands on its own despite weaving perfectly into the established universe. What more could you want?

10. Back at it again with the prequel shit, amiright? Queen’s Peril is E.K. Johnston’s most recent Padme-centric novel and it does not disappoint fans that wanted a taste of the Queen’s side of the story. Set during the events of The Phantom Menace, we get a “behind the curtain” look at how all of the handmaidens came to be more than their title suggests. There’s teenage girls getting stuff done! It makes more sense why Padme was elected ruler of her home-world, and you come to appreciate that a royal leader is not alone; there’s actually a whole team at her side to help her overcome everything from the drudgery of daily governing to Trade Federation blockades that threaten to starve her people. I think if you enjoyed Queen’s Shadow, you’ll enjoy this book a lot. For those that are unfamiliar with Johnston’s work, I wouldn’t recommend this one first because it does cover events you’ve already seen in movies and therefore is a less suspenseful companion to them. On the other hand, because it does tie in with TPM, it doesn’t suffer from the pacing issues of Queen’s Shadow to the same degree. I read this all in one sitting, so it’s definitely fun, but wasn’t compelling enough in its character development to elevate the book past some of the others I’ve listed already.

11. Thrawn: Treason was a refreshing return to the Grand Admiral we all know and love after the second installment in this series slowed things down a bit. Although it wasn’t as character-driven as the first book (which I love with all of my heart), there were still many moments that had me cackling at the disparity between Thrawn’s immense intellect and the other Imperials’ sheer stupidity, and that’s what we’re here for in a book about the Empire, right? There’s a lot of pressure on Thrawn, as his TIE Defender project has been pitted against Director Krennic’s Project Stardust. Who will get the funds? We just don’t know?? Tarkin sits in between the two and as usual, manipulates everything to his advantage. Palpatine questions Thrawn’s allegiance to the Empire after some of the choices he has made, leaving him in even more of a pickle. Thrawn is sent on a wild goose chase task that should definitely end in failure (on purpose because Imperials all want to watch each other burn as much as they want to watch the Rebellion burn), but you know Thrawn will find a way. My main squeeze Eli Vanto makes his return after being absent from book 2. Missed you, my sweet sweet country boy. He doesn’t have a leading role in this novel, but every scene he’s in makes the story better. Thrawn says “perhaps” way too often for my taste, but if you can ignore that, this book is a solid read. Equal parts action and deductive reasoning, as any Thrawn book should be.

12. Most of Dark Disciple had me thinking this was going to be a top tier book, and damn do I wish we could have gotten this animated. We follow Quinlan Vos and Asajj Ventress on a mission to assassinate Count Dooku. Why the Jedi thought this was a good idea, I don’t know. But I’m here for it all the same. 3/4 of the adventure were intriguing, but the ending didn’t do it for me. I won’t spoil things for anyone who hasn’t read this yet, but after all of the character development, to have it squandered so quickly just left me disappointed? I got really attached to everyone in this novel, and I’m sure you will to. I’ve read this and listened to it as an audiobook, and actually I think it’s more memorable as an audiobook. Would recommend, except for Mace Windu’s voice being exceptionally southern for no reason. Weird. I think this novel captures all of the great things about The Clone Wars show; time to really get to know each character and their motivations, action and adventure with the darkness of impending doom tinting everything, and lightsaber fights! Plus, Obi-Wan and Anakin make appearances in this book and it just adds that extra bit of spice. Worth the read, even if you know they aren’t going to get Dooku in the end (which I am still mad about, screw that guy).

Jedi Knight: Passed the Trials but There’s Room for Improvement

13. Few books in the Star Wars universe are centered around characters with no use of the Force, but in Most Wanted, we see a young Han Solo and Qi’ra struggling to survive on Corellia and it provides a humorous but compelling backstory to both characters in the Disney canon. Han is his usual lucky goofball self, and Qi’ra is smart and cunning. You can see how they grew into the versions of themselves in Solo. While the book stays on the lighter side of things (typical of stories written for a younger audience), there are still moments of depth on droid rights, viewing the Force as a religion, and what life is like in a crime syndicate. Addressing these heavier topics without it killing the pace of the story is hard to do, but Rae Carson pulls it off flawlessly. I went into this book with no expectations and was pleasantly surprised by how much fun I had. Han and Qi’ra start off as competitors, but eventually have to learn to work together to survive as more and more people start hunting them down. They’re honestly so cute together, I loved their dynamic. It makes Solo a better movie, and although I liked it on its own, characters like Qi’ra needed a little more time to get to know, which you can get here!

14. Thrawn Alliances was not what I expected at all, and it took me a lot longer to get through. Hell, it has Thrawn, Anakin/Vader, and Padme in it! What’s not to love? Apparently, a lot. The different timepoints and perspectives in this were more jarring than anything else. Although the interactions between Thrawn and Anakin/Vader were enjoyable, it was not enough to elevate this book into the Jedi Master tier. Things felt dry, the characters didn’t grip me like in the first Thrawn, and it all felt like a ploy to introduce Batuu into canon before the launch of Galaxy’s Edge.

15. Leia: Princess of Alderaan was a dive into young Leia’s life before we see her in A New Hope even though this was marketed as a journey to The Last Jedi book, which I disagree with. We really haven’t seen any content about Leia in this time period before, and although I can’t say I was looking for this, I did enjoy it. The book was a little long, but there was adventure and the seeds are planted for Leia to be a bigger part of the Rebellion. The romance wasn’t too memorable, but Holdo wasn’t pointless in this (a stark contrast to her brief appearance in TLJ just to sacrifice herself). There’s a hint about Leia being Force-sensitive but it’s not in-your-face. It’s a typical coming-of-age story but in the gffa. The best part about this is seeing Bail and Breha as parents. I’m forever in pain that we didn’t get to see more of this in movies because it’s so so sweet. Leia must choose what kind of person she is going to be--and what kind of princess she will become. It won’t be for everyone, but I liked it.

16. Master and Apprentice was a typical Star Wars novel, which means it’s full of original characters that are strange and outlandish to serve the plot, a new world full of beautiful landscapes, and Obi-Wan suffering. I want to make it clear that this book is 80% Qui-Gon, 10% Rael Averross, and 10% Obi-Wan. I was expecting it to be 50% Qui-Gon, 50% Obi-Wan, as the cover suggested. Although I was disappointed by that, the story overall was okay. Qui-Gon is kind of an asshole in this? When is he not, though. We really get to sink our teeth into the way he and Obi-Wan fundamentally disagree with each other, so much so that their teacher-student relationship is falling apart. Tragic! They go on one last mission before calling it quits. Qui-Gon is in over his head with prophecies, Obi-Wan just wants to follow the rules, and Rael Averross is Dooku’s previous apprentice that is living his best life as a regent until Pijal’s princess comes of age. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a solid book. I just don’t vibe with Qui-Gon and want to whack him upside the head every time he avoids confrontation with his own student. My protectiveness for Obi-Wan is showing again, isn’t it? Yikes.

17. James Luceno is one of the most analytical authors I’ve ever read anything from, but it seems to always work? Tarkin is all about...well, Moff Tarkin. He’s ruthless, intelligent, and just downright evil. His backstory was compelling and I found myself drawn into the story by the details, although it is dense and took awhile to finish. I’m not interested in him as a character, but despite that, I enjoyed this story. The plot wasn’t memorable enough for me to recall after 3 years, but it’s similar to how Thrawn rose through the ranks of the Navy, just in a different part of the Empire’s governing body. We don’t get many books completely focused on a villain (I don’t count Vader ones because we know who he was before and the whole damn saga is about him), but this one is good! Don’t be fooled by it only being in the Knight tier. I think people who read a lot of sci-fi will like this book a lot. This is like the opposite of Queen’s Shadow, basically. If you had gripes about that book, you might like this one instead.

18. Battlefront II: Inferno Squad was a worthwhile read for anyone who played Battlefront II. Iden Versio is a great protagonist in the game, and I think Christie Golden totally gets her character. She’s nuanced and relatable. The whole team is interesting and getting introduced to each member before the events of the game makes everything mean more. That’s the real goal of any prequel story, I think. Accomplished! The action scenes are on point, the plot served to highlight what makes Inferno Squad special, and you get a sense for the morally grey area anyone must function in as an operative for the Empire. Although not necessary for the greater canon, it’s a great adventure. Iden and her squad members infiltrate the remains of Saw Gerrara’s group (they’ve become a bit of extremist) and destroy them from the inside. It’s got the suspense of a spy thriller and all of the nerdy space opera elements you expect from Star Wars. Although it’s weird to jump into a story not knowing any of the characters, you’ll get attached to Inferno Squad fast. Well, except for Gideon Hask maybe. He’s kind of a dick.

19. If you’re craving some Dark Side action, Lords of the Sith will give you what you’re looking for. Sidious and Vader crash-land on Ryloth and have to work together to survive, and also defeat the Free Ryloth Movement led by Cham Syndulla. It’s all fucking connected, guys. I love when people weave together stories that fit into the canon timeline like this, bringing in side characters and allowing them to develop some depth. And a chance to sink into the mind of a Sith Lord is always fun, if you’re in the mood to read about destruction and anger. It’s cathartic sometimes. If you’re always wondering, why didn’t Vader just stab Palps when he had the chance, this book explains their dynamic more. It didn’t really change my opinion of any of the characters, which is why it’s not higher on the list.

20. Catalyst suffered from being in a really boring part of galactic history. Despite that, Galen Erso and Orson Krennic have a hilarious relationship that I would have loved to see on-screen. This book really develops Krennic to become more than just the whiny entitled evil man we saw in Rogue One. He’s ten times worse now! But I mean that in the best way, I laugh whenever he’s in a scene, that sassy man just brings me joy. James Luceno is at it again, making things as detailed and dry as possible. I read so many of his stories right at the beginning of my journey through Star Wars canon and it’s a wonder I didn’t quit. Some of them are dark as fuck. And also slow as hell. With this one, I think it all comes down to what you want out of a Star Wars novel. Some people will really enjoy the plot. I think seeing how Galen became a part of Project Stardust was interesting and every time something about the Death Star became more clear, I screeched because I knew what it would eventually become. This book may not hold your interest though, which is why I put it lower on this list.

21. Star Wars: Clone Wars was a decent retelling of the Clone Wars movie. I liked it because I liked the movie, but you have to be able to sit back and enjoy the ride, not thinking too much about the silly parts. For that reason, it’s pretty far down in the rankings. Ahsoka is young and liable to get on your nerves. I certainly wasn’t her biggest fan at this point in the series. The biggest problem is that Karen Traviss is very anti-Jedi. Some authors for Star Wars tend to do this? To me, it’s weird. I didn’t notice it too much because it was one of the first Star Wars books I read, but it contrasts starkly with the truth of the prequel trilogy and some of the other entries in the Clone Wars Novel timeline, like Karen Miller’s books. Needless to say, although this book wasn’t super memorable aside from the familiar plot, it kept me reading Star Wars books, and so it is at least an average book. Plus, any content with Anakin and the clones is worth it for me. I love them.

22. A New Hope was good, for Alan Dean Foster. I’m not a fan, I’ll be honest. But this novelization stands on it’s own. I’m going to have to do a re-read to really go in depth on why this isn’t farther up on the tier list, but the movie is always going to be better to me. If you want to re-live the great beginning of the Original Trilogy, it’s worth your time. I mean, the story is full of adventure and mystery and lovable characters. What’s not to love? I just feel like the movie really elevates the narrative with a great score and fun character design/costumes/sets.

Padawan: These Books Have Much to Learn

23. Attack of the Clones was more entertaining than The Phantom Menace because the characters are in funnier situations. Obi-Wan and Anakin chasing Zam Wesell through the levels of Coruscant? Hilarious, just like the movie. Anakin and Padme falling in love as they spend time together? Holy fuck it’s so much better than the movie. Please read it for that alone. Outside of that, the writing style didn’t really impress me. And my experience with it wasn’t super memorable. There was potential to really make the inner dialogue of these characters impactful, to really develop the story of Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Padme beyond what we could get from the movie scenes alone. I didn’t think it went above and beyond there. Not a bad story at all, but you don’t get to look at Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, or Ewan McGregor the whole time either, so therefore I must rank it lower. So many beautiful people in that movie, holy shit. You can understand my, dilemma, yes?

24. I enjoyed parts of The Phantom Menace book, like deleted scenes with Anakin living on Tatooine before Qui-Gon and Padme meet him. The additional depth is lovely, but I think a story like Queen’s Peril adds more to TPM than this book does. The story overall is still fun. I love this movie so much, it’s hard for me to be critical. I did put a lot of post-it flags in my copy, so it does develop the characters and get you thinking beyond your expectations from the movie. What more could you ask for from a movie novelization? I’d say not much, if I hadn’t read Revenge of the Sith and had my fucking mind blown. In comparison to that, this one is just okay.

25. The Last Jedi novelization wasn’t bad, necessarily. It tried its best to bring this story up to par with some of the interesting novels that don’t have movie counterparts. But still, the plot suffers because of how this movie was made. It’s very focused on Rey and Kylo, and Finn’s little adventure with Rose seems pointless in the grand scheme of things. I’d rather read this again versus watching the film, but that’s all I’ll say on this because I’m trying to keep my opinions on this movie to myself to avoid digging up old arguments. Jason Fry did well, and of the two Sequel Trilogy books I’ve read, I would recommend this one over Ep. 7.

26. The Force Awakens falls short and I think it’s because of Alan Dean Foster’s writing style on this one? It didn’t really expand on anything from the movie, while taking away the beautiful music and visuals. This novel is the antithesis of Revenge of the Sith’s novelization, and for that reason I ranked it fairly low. I wouldn’t read this one unless you really really love the Sequel Trilogy.

27. To be fair, I read the new Thrawn book before I went back and read this one. Even so, Heir to the Empire didn’t impress me at all. Thrawn didn’t seem like a thrilling villain with lots of depth like he did in Timothy Zahn’s reimagined Thrawn novel. We barely saw him. A lot of time was spent on the Original Triology’s trio, which waasn’t bad. I thought Luke, Leia, and Han were all written fairly well. The latter part of the story was redeemed by the interactions between Mara Jade and Luke, for sure. Enemies to lovers, anyone?? Without Thrawn, this book would have been an entertaining story, but for all of the praise it has received from long-time Star Wars fans, I was expecting to be blown away and I wasn’t. Maybe I have to continue the triology to figure out what all of the fuss is about, but after this one, I’m not super motivated to read more. Change my mind?

28. Cloak of Deception really shines when you’re following Palpatine’s perspective because you can feel the undercurrents of his master plan to destroy the Republic underneath his calm persona as a Senator. Other than that, it’s a forgettable plot. This is all about galactic politics and some terrorist group trying to blow up some government officials. Basically the most boring parts of the prequel trilogy. I listened to the audiobook of this at the beginning of this year and I already forget what it’s about. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan should have been able to bring some humor and energy to get you rooting for the good guys,  but there was barely any of that. I was disappointed in all of the characters. Everything felt distant, removed from the heart of the characters. Some people in reviews have argued that the events of The Phantom Menace really pinned this novel in a corner because you already know what happens, but I disagree, because we know how Revenge of the Sith goes and The Clone Wars show is that much more tragic and heartbreakingly beautiful because of it. Prequels can be done right. This ain’t it, Luceno. Sorry.

29. Star Wars: The Old Republic, Fatal Alliance needs to go home and rethink it’s life. I’m a huge fan of the Old Republic and I’ve put like 200 hours of my life into playing that game, so I was hoping for some fun content in this part of the timeline. Sadly, this book captured the worst parts of the game, like the fact that there’s way too many factions at war with each other. Jedi, Sith, Empire, Republic, Mandalorians. They’re all here. They’re all ready to throw down. And I’m tired. As with many of the books in this lower tier, I felt there wasn’t enough description of the world or the people in the story. We’re in the gffa, be a little weird and wacky. Be big and bold! Make things terrifying, or beautiful, or both. But give my mind something to work with. The number of characters made the plot messier than it could have been, and it definitely isn’t worth the read. I can’t speak for all Old Republic books, but this one didn’t impress me.

A Sith Lord?! On My Bookshelf? It’s More Likely Than You’d Think

30. So underwhelming, you might as well just read the first half and then stop. Last Shot is absolutely terrible, except for Lando Calrissian’s characterization, which was spot-on. If the whole story had been from his perspective, I probably would have a much difference opinion on the novel as a whole. Sadly, this is not the case. Han was boring, he bottled up his emotions, and seemed drastically different from the badass he was in the original trilogy. There are different timepoints in this novel, and in all of them, Han is unrecognizable. Don’t nerf one of your main characters like that. Daniel Jose Older and I might just not get along. I thought his writing style didn’t fit Star Wars at all. It was like breaking the fourth wall, totally pulling me out of the story constantly. Also, there were little to no descriptions of body language, locations, or movement. It left me feeling disoriented the whole time I was reading. I thought one of the most interesting things would have been seeing Han, Leia, and baby Ben being a family at this point in time, but Han’s family was there as a prop, nothing more. There was a big bad item that was going to cause galactic destruction and our heroes had to go save the day. There was barely any tension and no one lost an arm so I’m pretty pissed off. Is it Star Wars if no one gets their appendage removed? I can’t tell you how much I disliked this book. Which is sad because I was hoping to enjoy it. I like Han. I like Lando. I like space adventures. I’m not that hard to please, or at least I don’t think so.

[yanderes-stuff]

...Michael Andersen? There's barely anything for the dude, so you can do nsfw or sfw if you want?

Yeah sure bro let's get the yandere man with jean curtains to clap cheeks because your the only one that doesn't treat him like a psycho 

P.S I saved this for Michaels birthday and it's 3:22 am right now so I'll revise this later but I wanted to post right now

Tw: dubcon (manipulation) and cussing and yandere stuff and bad grammar 

Word count: 1,725

The door to your room gently shut. as you wandered to your bed waiting for Michael to come out of the bathroom after a long day relaxing together previously he was texting you about how lately he was feeling miserable all because only a few people don't treat him like an individual and those people would usually not bother to spend time with him

So out of pity, you decided to agree to invite him over to cheer him up after all that's what friends are for. Michael seemed to be appreciative of you since you would always comfort his misery at any chance you got especially the times he would come over uninvited crying over the loneliness begging you not to leave but it's worth it just to see him at peace for once

But alas he was faking his despair for your comfort he didn't know any other way that would get your instant attention so he decided that he was going to go to desperate measures you were the only one that was there for him and he needed you for himself

Which sometimes led to him sneaking into your room uninvited when he was feeling especially unstable at nightfall though by then you were in a deep sleep however he discreetly snaps photos of you sleeping to ease his nerves later which led to him having a whole photobook of candid photos taken without your knowledge but he couldn't help it! You're the only one that makes him feel soothed from his descending sanity 

But there were times when you were together where you would mention other people to him then he'd start fussing about the flaws of the person and telling you why he doesn't like them nevertheless he was clever about exaggerating his views on people but that's a bit of an understatement 

This leads to him enacting his plan right this moment without your knowledge he's been waiting quite a while to perfect this plan without any chance of failure he'll just have to protect you from those people as you did with him

With a gentle creak of the door, you hear Michael out the bathroom "Hey [Name.] Thanks for inviting me over." He muttered gently

"You're welcome I like it when you're here." You admitted your words made his heart warm-up although he didn't show that

"So uh [Name.] I was wondering if I can ask you something." He mumbled a light pink dusting contemplating over his next selection of words

"Hit me with it." You said casually looking up to meet his eyes that were staring right back at you with a hint of uneasiness to them

He swallowed thickly and his eyes scanned the room for a moment "Could we do the thing again...I just like being seen as an equal and being taken into consideration while I please you." 

You were quiet for a second a little startled but not disgusted you had an idea of what the aforementioned "thing" was quite some time ago since you had sex with him but it began when he implored you to have sex with him to unwind from his depressed state which you hesitantly agreed just to comfort him but you quickly grew to have the ritual relatively often until you grew apart for some time busy with other friends 

You held a small smile "Oh sure I guess...it's kinda been a while since we did it hasn't it." You agreed with an awkward laugh you patted the side of the bed signaling him to come to sit down 

Once he sat down he took you in his lap and cupped his hand to your cheek admiring your face once done gazing his lips crashed with yours in a fierce kiss while he massaged your right breast over your t-shirt after a few minutes of this you took off your shirt and threw it on the ground then he switched sides and gave the other the same treatment his lips danced around your collarbone 

He started playfully rubbing his fingers against your womanhood over your shorts then he slipped his hand in and started darting his fingers in and out now you could barely think straight with the sensations he was giving you and when you took a glance at his boxers you could see his cock bulging from within the fabric 

You awkwardly slipped off your shorts to give him easier access to your lower region you were dripping wet from the feeling of euphoria he gave hitting your sweet spot with his rough digits once he was satisfied with his effort he disrobed himself and crawled over your figure lining up with your soaked genitalia 

Then he fitted his girth in you with one quick motion and sits still for a second letting you adjust once you settled he started to rock his hips gently his breathing getting slightly erratic from the pleasure coursing through him than his movements quicken with speed his hips bucking back and forth against the bedrest then he put his hands to your neck not enough to choke you but enough to feel his hands there you can feel him chasing his climax with the thrill while you reached yours for a second time but before he could cum inside you he pulled out and came on your   Inner thighs and stomach with the hot sticky liquid

He crawled beside you and snaked his arms around the top of your body in a warm and cozy embrace you grabbed a nearby towel from the side table and patted yourself off before you snuggled him back 

"Let's just go to sleep and get some rest for tomorrow, deal?" He whispered in the tip of your ear

"Deal, good night Michael I love you." You mumbled your words made Michael extremely delighted and words couldn't describe how much he hoped you were being honest

"I love you too [Name.]" He returned the sentiment and with that watched you slowly go into a deep slumber 

When he was finally certain you were asleep he quietly tiptoed outside whilst grabbing a large kitchen knife on his way and when he strolled to your vehicle in your driveway and in one swift motion jabbed the knife into the rubber tire glancing around to make sure nobody saw quietly chuckling to himself 

As he was ensured there were no witnesses he walked away from the harsh hiss of the tire slash and came back inside and started once again to hold you close to him later in the morning when you both woke up and you cooked breakfast fluffy pancakes for Michael as well as yourself and told Michael you'll be right back to get mail

When you wandered outside to collect your mail from your mailbox when you discovered that your car had a flat tire noting this in your mind you went back inside your house and notified Michael while he was still at the kitchen table eating the food you made for him

"Hey Michael can you do me a favor." You implored him with a straight face standing next to the doorway

"Yeah, sure what" Michael answered back already knowing what you're going to ask him trying to hold back his excitement cupping his own chin with his elbow propped up on the table 

"Could you take me to the auto shop? I need a new tire. I think I might've cut it on a rock or something." You pleaded and continued "I'll pay you back somehow." A small frown on your face you didn't want to send Michael to get it by himself because you knew he didn't like being left alone 

"Yeah sure I'll take you but you don't need to pay me back." He told you casually he already knew how you would pay him back…

When you two got into Michael's car there was an uncomfortable silence you two tried to make small talk in the meantime but there was something off about Michael his eyes seemed to be more dilated lost in thought while still navigating through the strangely empty roads 

After a while more uncomfortable small talk there's another thing you noticed was a bottle of pills presumably medication and in addition to that some heavy-duty rope maybe it was for camping was a thought that cropped in your head but that thought was interrupted from the sight of the repair shop in the distance

Until…Michael passed it "Uh Michael you passed the shop buddy." You said trying to snap him out of his supposed trance but he just hesitated to answer until finally

"I know." He confessed giving you a side-eye while driving you can now make out the fact that his breathing is slightly more unstable 

"Sorry, but I can't let you go...love" he emphasized the last word in his sentence while you heard the click of Michael locking the car door before you could open the door to escape

Michael turned on an unfamiliar path that was secluded in a forest then he turned to you 

"Look, this is for the best. You don't understand now but your will." He growled he scrambled to you pinning your body between his legs as his figure loomed over you

Then he took your throat in his hands and started to crush it harshly still with that labored breathing and dilated eyes focused on you, but you tried to struggle but to no avail, your world was fading, and the last thing you saw before passing out was Michael leaning in to gently kiss you

You awoke chained to a bed presumably Michaels you squirmed trying to get up but you quickly realized that Michaels's arms were latched over yours in a tight grip and you could feel the rise and fall of his chest against your back 

"I love you so much, you have no idea what lengths I'd go to prove that or more so what lengths I'm going to prove that." 

[youralternantpersonality]

Gaslighting

OC x Reader then Embry x Reader

Warning: abusive tactics are used in this first part.

Part 1: “Gaslight” by Snow Tha Product

Part 2: “New Me” by Ella Eyre

Part 3: “Falling for You” by Tamia

***

“Gaslighting: (verb) to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their sanity.”

Being young and in love has its perks and downfalls. Isaac and I have been together for about a year and a half now and everything was fine at first, until a few weeks after he asked me to officially be his girlfriend in the beginning.

Oh you a big money spendin' Man who gets the women Big bill droppin' Want it, then you got it Rollie face wearin' If she lookin', then she starin' If she starin', then she carin' But can't put a finger on it

He was supposed to be saving up for college. We had both planned on going to Washington State. Well, he had planned for us to go. I wanted to go to the nearby junior college since I had no idea what I wanted to do. I figured I would save a ton of money getting my basics out of the way by paying half of what I would at a University.

But instead of saving his money, he was buying random crap and flashing it to everyone. I’m talking about new shoes, chains, brand named clothes. Stuff that he could buy later, stuff that wasn’t necessary right now. He was strutting like Instagram influencers—the same people he hated the most and promised to never be like.

You a big game talker, every ex's your stalker You ain't ready for no relationship, but can talk to her You just want some company Every bitch you fuck with either crazy or amazing Then you shady as can fuckin' be

I would catch him constantly flirty and texting random numbers. When I called him out on it, he would call me crazy and make me feel bad for not trusting him. And of course, I’d feel bad and apologize even when he was in the wrong. I loved him after all.

You can't commit and that's your greatest talent Claim you're breaking hearts like back to back Deep inside there's somethin' less than average 'Bout the bitches that you claim to bag Somethin' 'bout the bracket that you at Maybe all the practice that you have Wouldn't do you any good where I'm at Class ain't somethin' you can pay to have

Gaslight pro (pro) Gaslight pro (pro)

Our break-up and make-up game lasted throughout Junior and Senior year. My friends constantly coming at me for not seeing his player ways. Me, not seeing the manipulation he was playing on me. The more I called him out on his bullshit, the more I was crazy, which made me angrier and more depressed.

And you could tell me lies Tell me, tell me lies Tell me I'm trippin' Tell me why, tell me I'm the one Then rewind to a gaslight pro (pro)

Oh you a fuckin' Prince Charming out in public I'm like "Yeah, yeah, yeah" Lead me on, then they leave Then it's back to never there Throw the blame out everywhere "No one can compare" yeah, yeah You just never wrong, but here's your problem Now, I don't care

It was a game with him. Everyone told me to stay away, but no one knew him as I knew him. No one knew the side of Isaac as I did. Behind those deep silver eyes and freckled face, you wouldn’t believe how much of a softy he was. It was like he would pull a 180 on everyone.

But that was the thing. No matter how many times you pull 180’s, you’re still doing a 360. And eventually, you’ll get dizzy and fall apart.

You playin' with my mind, somehow every time Pretty lies come right out your mouth, and that ain't right Gotta fuckin' draw the line I've been just your type Prey on any insecurity you fucking find Got me questionin' my memory You're a narcissist, intensity You startin' off the problem, causin' drama Then you got me second guessin' me And I don't give a fuck which house your Moon is What sign you are or how you grew up You're a fuckin' adult and you got to get it together You're a dick and you're manipulative as fuck, ugh

Gaslight pro (pro) Gaslight pro (pro)

“What the fuck Isaac! Are you serious?!” I yell at my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. Out in the open at school, making out with Francesca DeLaurentis, the bitches of all bitches in the school. The look of shock on his face couldn’t describe how he felt.

“Aw, what’s the matter? Mad that your ex finally has something worth living for?” She laughs as if that was my problem. I ignored her.

“Really?! You couldn’t have the balls to at least break up with me first before sleeping with the known walking STD of the school?!” that seemed to snap him out of his trance.

“Seriously? That’s the best you got. You know what, fine. I should have, but guess what chubs, I didn’t. Plus, I don’t know why I even bothered staying with you. Look at you, why would someone like me bothered staying with someone like you. Look at you, why would someone like me, who can be with this fine ass here” slapping Francesca’s nonexisting ass, “be with someone like you? A sloth. You’re lazy, you don’t bother to present yourself, and really, could you at least put on make-up. Give me something to look at.” He said as if I was the one holding him back and I was the problem.

“Fuck you!” I said, before knocking him in the face and storming off. Lousy piece of shit.

And you could tell me lies Tell me, tell me lies Tell me I'm trippin' Tell me why, tell me I'm the one Then rewind to a gaslight pro (pro)

Gaslight pro (pro) Gaslight pro (pro)

After that day, I threw everything of his that wasn’t worth money away. Sold what I could (thankfully his dumbass left a lot of valuable things here) and kept up with school. As soon as graduation was over with, he’d be gone and a thing of the past. And I couldn’t be happier about that.

It was painful, to be honest, but throughout that time “with” him, by slowly stepping away from him emotionally, it became easy leaving him for good.

And you could tell me lies Tell me, tell me lies Tell me I'm trippin' Tell me why, tell me I'm the one Then rewind to a gaslight pro (pro)

And you could tell me lies Tell me, tell me lies Tell me I'm trippin' Tell me why, tell me I'm the one Then rewind to a gaslight pro (pro)

Pulling up to the school the following week, was like a ton of weightlifting and falling on my shoulders. It was both painful and satisfying. Painful because I had to endure my ex, satisfying because my support group was here. Graduation and summer is only 2 months away and I couldn’t wait to start a semi-new life.

“Hey! Y/n!” Clair, my best friend, called out to me.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Did you hear the big news?”

“Francesca finally got pregnant?”

“No, well, maybe. But no,” she looks over my shoulder and smiles, “Someone had a nice glow-up.” I looked at her with questionable eyes and followed her eyesight. And boy was I glad. Embry Call struts the hallway as if he was a piece of gold crafted by God. He’d always been adorable, cute, and charming. Quiet and conservative among his friends.

“Hot damn,” I said under my breath. And it was like he heard me; he looked at me straight in the eyes and stopped in the hallway. At that moment, I felt warm and fuzzy—it was weird. His mouth opened a little and a grin grew on his face. His friends, Jared Cameron and Paul Lahote nudged him and followed his eyesight. They looked at each other and started laughing and pushing one another. Embry looked at them and said something before they started shoving each other.

“What I’d kill to be under anyone of them,” Clair said.

“I call dibs on Embry,” I said looking at her. She looked back at me and smiled then shrugged her shoulders.

“That’s fine, give me Paul for the night and I’m good.”

“Gasp! What about Quil? Your future husband and father of your kids.” I say dramatically and quietly to ourselves. She smiles and rolls her eyes.

“Oh, he’s still my baby daddy. I just want to try him for a night.” She says, like the hoe (metaphorically) she is.

“As long as I get Jared, I think we’ll be okay.” Kim walks up to us watching the rowdy 3 boys in the hallway. The bell rings, signaling the warning before class starts.

“Well girls, let's get our asses in there,” I said with faults determination. I look back and see Embry watching me. I smile and turn away. Unknowing to either one of us, another set of eyes was watching closely nearby.

[needloveandpositivity]

It's been described as the worst year of my life packed into 3 or 4 months. And it has been. 2020 was so good for us. We grew closer in our relationship. I knew quarantine was either going to make or break us, and we are doing so well together. I love him with all my heart. But there's so much going on, I'm so exhausted.

We became really close with his aunt and uncle over the summer. We visited often, they came to visit here, it was a good relationship. His aunt became a confidant for me. We could talk about anything. Then his uncle decided to fuck off. Left with no warning. They had 1 fight and he was gone. Aunt was heart broken. My man went to pick up uncle, because my man has a huge heart. It felt like we got shoved in the middle of their separation. Aunt vented to me often about uncle. Trashing him left right and center. I didn't really like him in the first place, but he's family, I gotta tolerate him. But it's so hard to stay neutral. Not even a week after he left, he started seeing another woman. A woman who he had already cheated on aunt with in the past.

I did my best to keep aunts head level, so she wouldn't call, text, email, what ever this lady to try and ruin uncles set up he had. She was so angry. So bitter. And I understood 100%, I think her feelings were justified. He left her. Again. 3rd time he walked out on her because she was trying to help him sort himself out.

My birthday, I get a text message, my man's great aunt had passed away. The woman that uncle was living with passed away suddenly in her sleep. She wasn't a super healthy woman, I understand she had cancer and diabetes, she had basically given up. But she seemed to be doing well, all things considered. We had just seen her the weekend before, she was happy, joking with us. And suddenly, gone. In a text message. We went to see my family that weekend, my dad and my brothers birthdays are all around mine as well, so we were going to celebrate together. I let my parents know, my man's great aunt has passed away quite suddenly. No response. No, "I'm sorry for your loss" no "wow that's terrible, my condolences" nothing. Just oh, yeah I overheard your man say it to his mom earlier. Thanks.

I had 3 weeks off work between contracts. I tried to use that time to organize the apartment, sort things to sell/give away, but Toronto was shutting down again for lock down, so I couldn't really do much with the things I didn't want anymore. So I'm still sitting on those boxes.

The 3rd week, my man's mom came to visit for a few days, which was nice. Her and I get along really well. We went to pet smart, went for a walk, hung out, it was nice. But she left in the middle of the night, no text, no explanation. Just gone. I woke up the next morning looking for her, assuming she went out to smoke, and I couldn't find her. She must have noticed I was active on Facebook, because she messaged me like 20 minutes later, said her gut told her to go home, so she did. At like 3am.

Like a week or 2 later she starts getting all distant, hardly responding to me, not giving me solid answers about Christmas plans, just keeps saying what ever. I asked her if something was wrong and she just kept saying no. It was like this for like a week or two and she just kept getting more and more snippy with me. So I finally asked my man like is your mom mad at me or something. But he's like no no she's fine she loves you why would she be mad at you, what could you possibly have done? And that's what I was wondering too, like, what can I do? What have I done?

Finally, she tells my man that she was upset with me, she thought I didn't want to see her on Christmas. That she was just an after thought. Because I offered to see her all day on December 26th. She took offense to December 26th because in her mind, December 26th is the left over day. The day that people who don't matter get. In my family, December 25 and December 26 hold the same value. We always switched back and forth with my moms family and my dads family for Christmas day and boxing day. This Christmas, with the covid rules and everything, my dads family was going to visit on the 27th, just a few of them, and mom's side was going to do Christmas day, since it was their turn anyways. So the 26th was completely free, and I wanted to give MIL our undivided attention. No rushing to another dinner, she gets the day. But she didn't want that. She wanted Christmas day. But she wouldn't communicate that to me so that we could arrange that for her.. so she thought I didn't want to see her. That she didn't matter. And she got all angry and distant about it without just telling me.

We finally got it sorted out, Christmas was super messy, my moms parents were being over the top about Christmas plans, they ended up canceling everything, and we ended up being able to see MIL on Christmas day after all. The whole time we were down there, I was anxious and uncomfortable. Trying to please everybody at the same time, and it was never enough. Nobody was ever satisfied by the time we could or could not spend with them.

Then, the 27th in the evening we had Christmas with my man's dad. Uncle was there. With this new woman. No heads up, we just walked in, and there she is. No introduction or nothing. Just hey welcome to Christmas dinner, have a seat. Like what? He knew we still spoke with aunt. He knew how heart broken she was. And now flaunting this new girlfriend at us???? I felt completely disrespected. Like he did it to get a rise out of me. Like he did it so that I would tell aunt and put fuel on the fire. He did it to make it hurt for us to tell aunt.

I was so excited to finally go home.

January 4th. One of the worst days of my life. I'm working from home, any normal day. And I get a text message from my best friends son. My best friend has tragically died of a stroke this weekend. I can feel my soul being torn to shreds. I screamed and cried for hours. I was able to calm myself just long enough to send an email to my boss, let him know what happened and i will be signed off for the rest of the day. My mom gave me a call as soon as she found out, one of her friends found out because she used to work with my best friend. She called me, and immediately she knew that I knew. I told her who told me, and I sobbed. She didn't stay on the line for very long. Just told me that if all I'm going to do is sit there and cry, then she's going to go because she had things to do. I wanted to tell her to fuck off right then and there. But I just said k and hung up. I called my man so he knew I wasn't working, that I wasn't okay. He hurried home that afternoon.

January was a rough, rough month. I felt right on the edge of crying every single day. I couldn't make phone calls without bursting into tears. I spent so much time just staring at the wall. I smoked so much weed just so I could get through an hour without crying. My eyes, my nose, my throat, my soul hurt just existing. Weed gave me that temporary relief.

Just when I started pulling myself together, making it through a day without sobbing, my dad texts me. My great aunt has passed away. At this point, I don't feel anything anymore. I don't want to cry, I don't want to feel. I'm just angry all the time. It's either nothing, or angry. There's no in between.

February I start to realize I'm really not okay. And I haven't actually been okay for a while. I haven't done laundry properly since well before Christmas. The apartment is a mess. And more and more often I'm thinking about walking out into the street just to hope someone will run me over. Then maybe someone will notice and understand how very not okay I am. Maybe I'll die? Is that really the worst thing that could happen?

I finally called my doctor when I started having some really physical symptoms. Thinking about my best friend, thinking about aunt and uncle fighting, thinking about MIL, thinking about anything remotely stressful or disappointing would make me shake. Like an uncontrollable shiver starting deep in my chest. Come to find out that's called heart palpitations. I've also been having these attacks, Ill be sitting on the couch, or fucking sleeping, and I'll wake up with a pain in my lower abdomen, super dizzy, nauseous, light headed. I sit in the bathroom and wait to either throw up, or pass out. Neither happen, and after about 20 minutes it subsides, I'm exhausted and I go back to sleep. My heart rate gets so high, so consistently during this time that my fitbit has started recording it as exercise.

I'm scared, obviously, that something might be seriously wrong with me. The nurse that I speak to on the phone doesn't think there's anything to worry about. She says it's just anxiety, she will book me in next week to be put on medication. At this point I'm not entirely convinced it's "just anxiety", so I made an appointment with a counselor. Even if it is "just anxiety" this is far more intense than i have EVER experienced in my life, and I've been diagnosed with anxiety/depression since I was like 13.

My mom doesn't care. I told her what was happening and she just said, I'm sure you're fine. I am super duper absolutely not fine. I haven't thought about dying in YEARS. The last time I thought about it was when I told my parents I was bi and my mom tried to leave. Went upstairs, packed a bag, and walked out the door. My dad chased her down and got her to come back in but like, what the fuck.

I'm almost 1 week on trintellix, I have to get bloodwork done this week to make sure these fun, awesome, never before seen symptoms are in fact just anxiety, and I see the cousellor next week to hopefully figure out what's going on and how to get through this.

I have plans, goals. My man and I are talking about getting married in 2022. Talking about buying a home in 2024. Children? Maybe. But I'd like to be around here to meet them.

So, here I am. I have people who listen, but I feel like I just rant at one friend way too much, and she's sick of me. Another friend that changes the subject when I get sad. Another who has told me she's sick of people venting to her, because she has her own mental health to deal with. And my man doesn't know how to help me. He tries, he really does. But he has bad days too, and I cannot help him while I'm down here. I can't pick him up while I'm still down.

I just need someone to listen. Someone to hear me rant and vent and get things off my chest. Because if I don't, I know I'm going to drown down here.

If you're willing and able to reach out, please do. If not, this will be the blog that I journal in, I guess. Where I write down everything that I want to talk to my best friend about. I know she can't respond, but I'm sure she's up there watching me, and I hope she's reading this to know that I'm trying. I'm getting help. I'm trying to get better, so I can do better.

[somethings-and-a-few-others]

Tick. Tick.

A Short Story

Why do people even buy books that big? Books like that can only be described one way. Academic. A collection of jargon and theories so dense they aren’t even sold in commercial book stores. Books with more pages than a dictionary lining his shelves and collecting dust. For what? To prove he’s read them? To tell people he can read them? To let people know that he owns books than are seen more as a sign of intelligence than reading material? He probably hasn’t even read them.

Normally, you can dissect a human's personality by looking at the spaces they spend most of their time in. My eyes bounced from shelf to shelf and I couldn’t find an ounce of him. No family photos, no fishing buddies and a big catch, no candid shot on a golf course – nothing. Just textbooks and degrees, and a massive clock mounted right behind his chair.

Tick. Tick.

“Are you going to answer my question, or are you planning to watch the clock for the rest of the hour?”

He sounded a little irritated, but if anyone should be pissed it’s me. Once a week I have to listen to this educated professional tell me what my problems are cause I got a little drunk and started yelling at a gas station attendant… for the third time. So what? I’m an adult who’s allowed to make adult decisions. Besides, there are people with bigger issues than mine out there. If this has to go on until he has a consolidated list of all my problems, I’m dying in this office. He doesn’t want to be here, I don’t want to be here, so let’s not and say we did.

He let go of  a deep disappointed sigh and said, “One more time.” Another sigh as he said, “Name a time you remember feeling thoroughly disappointed.”

“That goddamn purple bike,” I said.

“Elaborate.” With that, there was a click of a pen and the sound of yet another page turning. This needed to be over soon.

 “You’re the shrink, aren’t you? Dig deep into that statement. What can you find, doc? You think it’s cancer?”

“We go through this every week.” He arched a grey brow, “Your statements are vague declarations that have proven to be nothing more than suppositions, so there isn’t anything to dig into. I have a PhD, not an MD, and you were funny in the beginning but now the jokes are becoming quite unimaginative,” he said as he took a sip from his water glass.

Why do old men always make drinking anything such an auditory experience? His swallowing was louder than the car horns outside. 

As he swallowed he said, “Don’t forget why you’re here Jeffrey.” With a satisfied exhale, “you family is worried about. You’ve been in and out of prison cells and rehabs, it’s only a matter of time before you end up in a morgue. Is that what you want, Jeffery? You would rather end up dead than talk to me? If you don’t cooperate, thing aren’t looking too good.”

I sunk into a lumpy couch I didn’t want to be in, and stared up at a ceiling I was tired of looking at. I started counting the cracks in the plaster. What kind of shrink doesn’t invest in a comfy sofa? Isn’t that counter intuitive?

“You know, I feel like I’m doing all the work for you. I’m the one that has to answer all the questions and then I have to tell you about how it screwed me up. Where’s my degree in psychology?”

“You probably soaked it in booze while you were out binge drinking – now what about the bike, Jeffery?”

He put the glass down, sat back in his chair, and crossed his legs. His black pants rode up enough for me to see his socks. He was wearing pinstriped socks. Who wore pinstriped socks? Then he just sat there… just staring at me. Those beady eyes peered at me over his reading glasses, those decrepit looking fingers tapping his pen against his notepad. I could hear the clock ticking. Tick. Tick. I wondered how long we could sit in silence before he said something again, maybe til the end of the session. Hopeful-

“You know Jeffery –”

Apparently not that long.

“You could simply talk. Who is it gonna hurt? Your ego? It’ll heal eventually.”

I hate that guy. I hate all the guys like him. Talking like living 100 years makes them experts on anything other than their own shitty lives. The life he’s lived isn’t the life I’m living.

Tick. Tick.

He sighed deeply again and dropped his notepad and pen on the table next to his water glass. He stroked his temples as he looked at his watch, relief washed over his face when he realized what time it was. 

“That is our time for today. We will pick up where we left off next week.”

           …

“I never thought the smell of cigarettes and road work could be so soothing. That office was stuffy.”

It was clean, I guess, but being in there made me feel like I was in a box – no, under a microscope. Everything felt sterile and I felt like something that had to be observed, not a person that was being talked to. The bookshelves towed higher than I could reach, that clock was loud, the way that guy swallowed made my skin itch. The idea of going back there next week made me want to jump off of a bridge.

“Well what about the bike?”

“What?”

“I don’t particularly care about your life mister, but I am sorta interested in that bike story,” she says as she hands a man in a trench coat a hotdog haphazardly wrapped in a napkin. “What was so depressing about that bike?” she says while she waves a pair of tongs dripping with hotdog water in my face.

“When I was eight years old, there was this purple mountain bike I begged for. We walked into this store – can’t remember which one so let’s just say it was a Walmart – and you know how they have those displays that go all the way up to the ceiling with bikes? They’re so high up and convoluted, you have to call a worker to get one. Then that worker has to get a stick that has a funny looking hook on the end and another worker with, like, keys or something. Anyways, I wanted this bike that was at the top of the display. I begged for that bike, I was ready to sell my soul for that shiny bitch. So I asked for it.”

“One sec,” she flips a few sausages on the grill and grabs a few more out of the cooler next to her feet. The smell of raw and cooked hotdogs fight and mingle with the smell of concrete and exhaust fumes. “’kay, what happened next?”

She hands me a soda I didn’t ask for from of the cooler and sits down on the empty crate next me.

“I was given a set of rules and conditions. All the usual ones: gotta clean my room, gotta get the grades, ‘don’t get into any shit – don’t let nobody be callin’ my house about you,’ is what my mom said. I was ready. I was the best I’d been since infancy.”

“Hey! Can I get some service here please,” some suit with a scowl says.

The lady hotdog vendor hops up, snatches a bun off one of the selves on her cart, and tucks a sausage into it. She hands it to the suit and the suit hands her some change.

“Continue,” she says. She plops back down onto the crate next to me.

“Shoulda known my poor ass family couldn’t afford to get me a new bike. You know, months went by? I remember biting my lip and fidgeting at night thinking about how cool I was gonna be riding that thing to school. I would stay up wondering when it would come. Then I turned ten and gave the fuck up. Never even bothered asking about it.”  

“Hm,” She takes a sip. “So let me ask you this, you just told a stranger what your therapist has been trying to get you to say for weeks. Why are you willing to spill your guts on a sidewalk behind a hotdog cart but not on a couch in therapy? ”

“Cause I’ll never see you again after I pay you for this hotdog,” I say while sipping on the soda I’m assuming is free. “The more I tell him, the longer I have to sit on his couch.”

She furrows her brow as she stands up to hand the next customer their street meat. 

She says, “Your family went out of their way to set all this up for you so you don’t end up dead in an ally somewhere, and you’re worried about impressions? You sound like an idiot.”

“Well they wouldn’t have needed to pay for therapy if they had bought me that bike now would they?”

“That’s foul?” she says.

“No what’s foul is making your kid promises you have no intention of keeping with no follow-up or apology for twenty years. But hey, that’s why I’m seeing a shrink,” I retort as a finish my hotdog.

They pick and choose when they want to care about me and it’s contradicting – some would argue the root of all my issues. But I’m the one that looks like the bad guy. I’m the one that looks like the ungrateful drunk with no feelings or sense of decency. Fuck that shrink and this lady too. I finish my free soda and stand up. I pay for my food and tip the hotdog lady for her time. If I was drunk I probably would have yelled at her for telling me to go talk to that bitch of a therapist.

I walk away and sigh. I need a drink a lot harder than a soda.

- r.s // “Tick. Tick.” // 2020

[submissivedjberry]

With You || Jolia

Tagging: DJ Berry & Jo Fabray ( @jofabray )

Date: August 30

Location: Jo’’s Suite

Summary: Cuteness before the drama that started with Archer and Tina.

Jo

The end of their short vacation had Jo feeling a bit melancholy, were she honest. The return to the grind of classes would leave her less time for the things she liked, and her final project had been a flop that wasn't going to get her any closer to being eligible for a claim. That, more than anything, had her depressed. And with the calendar ready to tick over into September it meant that parents' week was coming closer and with it the ominous spectre of Russell Fabray. She was prepared for the real possibility of violence, but needed to find a way to make certain that DJ didn't have to witness it. With all of that in her head, she was glad to have her girl coming over. She had fun plans for the remainder of the break, and DJ was at the center of all of them. Humming to herself, she sipped from a bottle of water as she worked on the day's crossword - anticipating that she wouldn't be done before DJ arrived.

DJ

She walked over, holding only her back pack with her school things. She had accumulated more than a few things at her Domme's suite and so she didn't always need to bring something with her. And since Jo was picking out her outfits for the next few days, she was good to go. Walking into Jo's suite, she dropped her back pack at the door and then made her way to where her Domme was. "Kiss please." She said excitedly before leaning down to press their lips together.

Jo

Jo looked up curiously as her door opened, eyebrow quirking up toward her hairline. DJ wasn't usually so bold as to try walking into her suite without knocking and kneeling. She didn't say anything at first, though, only leaning up into the kiss and smiling. Once they'd come apart again, though, she cradled her girl's face with one hand. "We'll hope no one was watchin' that, my girl. But it's good to see y'all - it's already been much too long."

DJ

She blushed when Jo said that they would hope that no one was watching, leaning into the touch on her cheek and chewing on the inside of her cheek. "I'm sorry. I didn't....I didn't think. I can go back out and try again." She said, feeling herself deflate a little. She had been excited about their evening together, feeling like she was walking on air after how sweet her brother had been when she had told him about the relationship that she was building with the Domme.

Jo

"Shh," Jo murmured. "It's alright, darlin' girl. I'm not upset with you. Today's a good day, a happy day, and so I'm pretty sure what happened was that ya knocked and I called come in, and it just happened really quick. Now come sit on my lap, and you can tell me what put that great big smile on your face. Which I love to see, by the way, because that smile is just about the best thing in the whole world."

DJ

She took a deep breath when Jo said that she wasn't mad at her, biting down on her bottom lip slightly as she let her Domme soothe her. If Jo wasn't mad at her then it was okay. She would just need to remember the next time to kneel and be patient. She carefully sat down on the Domme's lap. "I'll remember next time. I'm sorry that you had to remind me of my place." The submissive said, biting down on her bottom lip. "I just...I was excited because of Ben...and how supportive he was. It just made it all that much more real."

Jo

Wrapping DJ gently in her arms, Jo ran a hand slowly up and down her back. "It's nothin', my girl. A tiny little detail of a day, one that we'll have forgotten about five minutes from now." Her smile tugged at her lips and she pressed a soft kiss to DJ's cheek. "I'm so happy that he was so good, darlin' girl. That he was happy for you, for us - that means the world to me. And I know how much it means to y'all."

DJ

"Okay...okay." DJ nodded and let those thoughts slip from her mind as she focused on the only person who mattered in that moment. She grinned and nestled into her Domme's hold. "It feels so good. I can't even begin to describe it. It feels like there's this weight that was just lifted and I'm so happy and so yours." DJ said with a chuckle and then pressing her lips against the blonde's.

Jo

"I can only imagine. I don't put much stock in what my own family thinks, so I do worry a little more about yours. Because I'd never wanna be between you and family, that's no way to live. If your brother's happy, I hope your dads are gonna feel the same." That made her as nervous as anything else. "And I am so happy that y'all are mine."

DJ

"They're going to love you." She said with a smile. "I was going to say that they would adore you. But I want to be the only one adoring you." She mused, nuzzling against her. For now, she was Jo's. And no one else had that spot. So she could claim adoring Jo while no one else could.

Jo

Jo's arms tightened a little around her girl. "I want that too, darlin'. They can love me if they wanna, but only you get to adore me. Just like I only I get to adore you. For now, and for always." Jo was never going to let anyone else be the one to adore her girl.

DJ

The tightening of arms around her was always welcomed. It was as though they were safe from the outside world in these moments. When no one had any effect on either of them at all, because they were safe and together. She grinned brightly at her words and then pressed a kiss to her jaw. "My Miss."

Jo

"My girl," Jo smiled, the kiss on her jaw sending pleasant tingles through her. If she could have, she'd have locked the door right then and let them stay in that moment forever. Holding DJ in her arms was the greatest feeling she'd ever known, and it never got old no matter how many times it happened. It never would. "I'm glad you had a chance to talk to your brother; I know it would have been a strain if you couldn't say anything."

DJ

"I'm not hiding how I feel about you. Or the fact that I'm hoping for a future with you. I would never want to do that. So telling my brother now that he's here just made the most sense." DJ explained. "It's...you are really important to me and the only reason I haven't told Rachel or my dads yet is because you aren't just something I want to mention over the phone without being able to then immediately talk to them in person. You deserve better than that."

Jo

Smiling, Jo pressed her lips to DJ's cheek. "I'm glad y'all feel that way, my girl. And I understand about not wanting to tell people over the phone, so please don't stress yourself about that at all. I'm not gonna read anything into it, or worry that you don't want to tell them. I promise ya." She rested her head against DJ's. "I wish I could do the same, but the last thing I want is for my father to even know y'all exist. It'd just make you a target."

DJ

She chewed on her bottom lip and breathed out slowly at Jo's words. "So...does that mean I won't be able to see you during parents' week?" DJ questioned, really hating the idea but not wanting to argue with the Domme.

Jo

Jo considered that. Parents' week was a spectre on the horizon that she didn't want to acknowledge, but DJ deserved to know what was going on in her head, too. "I..." she started, quickly reconsidering her first thought and what she'd previously said. "No. It doesn't mean that. I don't plan on spendin' any more time around him than I absolutely have to. And I think y'all are much braver than me. He scares me, but...you know what, if y'all think you can manage not to retaliate if he says awful things then I won't hide ya away. We just have to be real, real careful around him."

DJ

She chewed on her bottom lip slightly when Jo expressed that if she could manage to not retaliate that she wouldn't be hidden away, she chewed on her bottom lip. "I can promise that I will do my best, my Miss. But I hate the thought of anyone being rude or hurtful towards you." DJ admitted honestly. Especially when Jo had mentioned that it could get violent.

Jo

"I know, darlin' girl," Jo promised, resting her forehead against DJ's in a comforting gesture. "That's all I can ask of you. Because I hate the thought of him being rude or hurtful to you even more than that." She knew what was on her girl's mind, and it was on hers as well - the possibility that he'd lash out at Jo physically and leave DJ to try and resist the urge to fight back.

DJ

She hummed softly and then pulled back from her a little bit. "So I heard a little something about us working up an appetite, Miss Jo. How are you planning on making us do that?" DJ questioned, leaning in to press her forehead against her Domme's. "Because I'm open for absolutely anything at all."

Jo

Jo giggled softly, running her hands up and down DJ's sides. "I wonder where ya could have heard such a thing. Someone with inside knowledge is spreadin' rumors, I think." She had no intention of keeping her girl waiting, though, so she spoke up again quickly. "Funniest thing - I opened my toy chest yesterday and I saw a strap in there. And I thought to myself "y'know, Jo, I don't think you've used that at all." And I think that inner voice was right. Which is a real shame. Don't y'all think so?"

DJ

She shivered as Jo's hands moved up and down her sides. Jo touching her, in most ways, caused a sense of comfort and ease within her that she didn't experience with anyone else. She giggled at her words and shook her head. "Even if I hadn't heard it from somewhere, I would have suspected. You have a way of making me work up a sweat and an appetite. And I am always so very satisfied by you." DJ assured, laying it on thick but still meaning every word that she said. Her eyes widened when Jo said that she was thinking about using a strap on, wriggling in her lap. "I think it is a travesty that you haven't used it, Mistress." She paused at that. She didn't hate it, but Domina was still in the lead.

Jo

"If you're suspecting, I might have to become less predictable," Jo joked softly. "But I do love that I can do that for ya. Because I would never, ever want you to leave here unsatisfied. Unless that's the the point of the game," she winked. One day they would spend a nice, long time on a denial session that left DJ a mess. The way that she wriggled in Jo's lap was pleasant all on its own, but her agreement to using the strap was even better. Jo's brow furrowed a little at the title, trying to decide where it ranked. So far Domina still seemed like the best one her girl had come up with. "I think y'all are very right, my darlin' girl. So how about we go rectify that right now?"

DJ

She shook her head. "Is me knowing things about you that bad?" DJ questioned, thumbs rubbing along the back of her Domme's neck. "Because I happen to love the fact that I know things about you. I want to get to know everything about you. Big things. Small things. And everything in between. Including knowing that I will leave here satisfied. Because...even if I'm being denied, I'm still going to be satisfied if it makes you happy." She promised. She eased off of her Domme and removed the shirt from her body. "I am very on board with that idea."

Jo

Jo had been about to fire back a teasing answer, but DJ's questions were touching and wonderful, and in the end she had to shake her head. "No, darlin'," she smiled with shining eyes. "Not a bad thing. Because I want that too. I want to know your favorite song so I can play it the night I give you a collar. A movie to play when you're feelin' blue. Everythin'." It warmed her from head to toe the way that DJ could put her own satisfaction behind Jo's happiness, because that made her feel more like a Domme than anything else could. "A girl could get real used to that view," she grinned. "Let's go have some fun. Are there any kinks ya wanna include today? Anythin' you've learned about? Or should we just enjoy the strap?"

DJ

She grinned at Jo's words and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "You are welcome to anything and everything you want to know about me." She expressed. "Well, then I guess it's a good thing you'll get to see this whenever you want for the rest of forever." DJ quipped with a playful wink. "Is it okay if we just enjoy the strap today, please, Domina? I do um...at some point want to maybe try pet play. But that's not something I want to try out today or anything. I also...hmm...I want to try out TPE on a more significant timeframe and with more rules too. But again...not just yet." DJ entrusted everything she had, health...happiness...to the blonde and so she was eager to try out anything and everything with Jo. Things that she wasn't willing to try with others.

Jo

Her cheek tingled where it had been kissed, and the smile on her face simply couldn't be wiped away. She loved her girl, adored her, and it made her incredibly happy to know that one day they would cement that love into something that the world would be forced to recognize. "I'll be sure and ask y'all all the things I want to know then, my darlin' girl." Jo chuckled quietly. "Such a sassy girl - good thing I like that." Settling as DJ spoke, Jo soaked in her ideas. "That's fine, darlin' - anythin' you want to try, you let me know when. I am very content to focus on the strap today. Because I've got this mental image of my girl on her knees with my cock in her mouth, and I surely do like that picture."

DJ

"I'm glad." She grinned and then giggled when she was called sassy, playfully winking. "I will definitely let you know, Miss Jo. And please do the same. Because I want to give you the scenes that you want too." Her thighs clenched at the Domme's words and she let out a soft moan. "Yes...please. I want that so bad. Want to please you with my mouth. Want to feel your cock in my mouth. As far as it will go." DJ assured the Domme and then followed her into the bedroom. She removed the rest of her clothing on the way and then knelt in the room, waiting for instruction from her beautiful Dominant.

Jo

"I absolutely will, darlin' girl. We'll talk about what we both want, and make sure they're things that both of us are into." It felt good to know that Jo's mental picture was having such a powerful effect on her girl, and DJ's moan produced a softer, answering one from her. "That's my girl," she praised softly, watching her strip as they made their way into the bedroom and loving the view very much. Reaching for a throw pillow, Jo passed it carefully to DJ. "For your knees, darlin'. I might have you there for a few minutes, and I don't want y'all getting sore. I'm just gonna get myself ready here, if ya don't mind waiting?" She stripped slowly and methodically, setting her own clothes aside and opening her toychest to find the strap. It wasn't huge, but a pleasant size and a soft blue color that had caught her eye right away. Jo made quick work of the harness and stood in front of DJ, stroking herself and moaning softly. "Beg for my cock, darlin' girl. I wanna hear how much you want it."

DJ

When Jo passed her a pillow, she grinned upwards in thanks and carefully settled onto it. It already felt much nicer on her knees and she was grateful that her Domme had thought about it. She was always taking care of her in scenes and that meant so much more to DJ than she could describe. "I don't mind waiting. I would wait forever for you." She breathed out, somehow already feeling floaty. She knew the words to be true, but she also knew that Jo would never keep her waiting that long. She watched as Jo changed, biting down on her bottom lip. She truly didn't understand how someone could be quite that beautiful and she felt overwhelmed almost immediately. When Jo turned to her with the harness and strap on, she whined softly. It wasn't fair that Jo was touching herself, that was DJ's job. "Miss...please let me have your cock. You're so beautiful, so gorgeous. My mouth wants you so bad. I want you fuck you....I want you to choke me with it...whatever you want that would make you feel good. Please let me please you. Please let me make you feel good."

[alexandrasavior]

Alexandra Savior is here to pierce us all by way of melancholy as The Archer aims right for the heart

Tinged with Arctic Monkeys’ flair in spades, Alexandra Savior’s sophomore follow up to 2017’s Belladonna of Sadness, co-written with Alex Turner, is an homage to the heartbroken everywhere. And while one would think that Turner’s sound would be all over her debut, in retrospect, Belladonna of Sadness lacks his distinctive mark. Instead, it seems to appear more prominently on the new record, The Archer (a title Taylor Swift does not have the monopoly on). And just as Belladonna of Sadness was written two years before it finally came out, so, too, has The Archer long been in the works, with Savior commencing the title track in 2016.

Commenting on the notion that, during that period, in something of a Lana Del Rey parallel, she had reconciled with surrendering to the idea that she wouldn’t make music anymore, at least not at the “fame level” (just as Del Rey had bowed to while writing “Video Games”), Savior stated, “I was living with my mum and going to community college and thought that I was never going to make another record again. I was dropped [by the label] about a year after the first [album] came out. I wrote the song ‘The Archer’ on Christmas 2016.” So it was that the crux of the record was born. One that starts with the fittingly surreal and melancholic “Soft Currents.” The simple lyrics lament, “Seven years, I’ve had seven years of bad luck/And I’m just fine/Happiness I find happiness in the wrong places/Every time.” Even if that’s the case, in either her professional or personal life (more especially intertwined when one is a musician), she has ostensibly learned with time that, “My fate is at the hands of my mistakes/And that’s alright.” The ambient gloom of this acceptance segues effortlessly into “Saving Grace.”

Psychedelic to its core and filled with sweeping, overpowering guitar riffs, “Saving Grace” takes a page from 2013’s AM, on which Arctic Monkeys reached the zenith of their guitar usage, perhaps inevitably leading to the subsequent piano-favoring Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino. With lyrics that serve as a means to paint so-called Saving Grace as some sort of cruel drag queen dangling the potential for salvation before ripping it away, Savior sings, “Saving grace/Come here to petrify me/She’s not an angel, my dear/She is a beast.” In other words, do not trust her, she is a fugly slut.

And don’t trust the security of relationships for that matter, either, Savior soon apprehended after being dropped by her first label, Columbia Records. Of the “breakup,” Savior remarked, “…so a lot of the songs that I was writing before I got dropped, I was intentionally trying to impress this label that I wasn’t really suited for. When I had that freedom, it felt like I’d write the songs and they would just go into the abyss because there was nobody for me to send them to and and nobody was listening at all. But then I think that’s probably what made them a lot more personal than my last record.” So it was that she had a sort of Lady Gaga in “Marry the Night” experience, which occurred right around the same time as a romantic breakup that led to the creation of “Crying All the Time” on New Year’s Day, 2018. The moody, Sam Cohen-produced backbeat paired with the lament, “My death, it taunts me like a ship/Without a sail I know I’ll be gone soon/But just for him, I will prevail,” smacks, indeed, of a Del Rey/Turner lovechild, further compounded by the irony, “He doesn’t like it when I cry/And now he’s gone, so I’m crying all the time.”

The sultry overtone of the appropriately mating call-esque “Howl” solidifies the jilted lover theme of the record, as well as Savior’s adeptness at making spartan lyrics feel varied, with the only non-repeated verse of the song being, “Handsome dictator of my crimes/I can’t tell if they’re yours, I can’t tell if they’re mine/Sweet revelation bitter wine/I’m dreaming, but mostly I’m feeling behind.” With the fine line blurred between whether or not she’s responsible for her actions or the toxic love manipulating them is irrelevant after a certain point, and Savior must admit, “It’s a little dangerous when you come treading by me.” And yet how could we, as her listeners, not with a record like this”

The midpoint of The Archer, “Send Her Back,” persists with the laconic lyrics, the chorus, “Why don’t you send her back where she came from?” being easily applicable to both a mother after birthing her child or a boyfriend after rejecting his girlfriend of so many years. Whatever your particular interpretation as a result of your own personal situation, “Send Her Back” certainly inflicts some deep-seated feels. Of the kind that her unwitting mentor, Alex Turner, also knows too well about–not to mention how to evoke within his own listeners. As for the comparisons to their styles, let’s just say, “Can’t Help Myself,” which happens to be the sixth track on the album, opening with the sound of ambient waves washing ashore (likely a common sound when one is from the same Pacific Northwest milieu as Savior). More tinged with sardonic 60s girl group flair than some of the others, the song bears an additional tonal resemblance to the 60s stylings of Del Rey on “Radio” (as when she sings, “Now my life is sweet like cinnamon…/My body’s sweet like sugar venom, oh yeah”) and Arctic Monkeys on “Black Treacle.” Savior, in fatalistic turn, expresses, “Light dims as he walks my way/I’ve been running for a reason I could never retain/Sweet lips like pink lemonade/When he’s feeling generous he’s gonna give me a taste/’Cause nothing else can satisfy me/Oh, oh, I can’t help myself/Something comes over me, baby/Whenever you are around.” 

Such a sentiment transitions seamlessly into a song title like “The Phantom,” all rife with the connotations of being haunted by the object of one’s affection. Discussing the common phenomenon in unrequited love that essentially finds one person being more of an erotomaniac than the other (e.g. “I fell in love alone”), Savior reconciles the cult-like tendencies of the one she truly believed could love her as much in return, describing with the poetic turn of phrase we’ve come to expect by now, “Fell in love as a lone disciple/His altar at the root of my fate/Fell in love on a lonely night/Could predict every word he’d never convey.”

More languorous in rhythm than the others, “Bad Disease” is peak “creepin’ on you” vibes mixed with Arctic Monkeys’ verbiage. Again imbuing her lover with cult leader status, Savior offers up the sort of images one would expect from a The Shangri-Las, The Marvelettes or The Ronettes song (and then, of course, there are shades of Del Rey’s “Shades of Cool”), boasting, “Pandemonium quivers at his touch/My preacher, my undefined creature/Consumes me.” But who cares so long as that “bad disease” she’s referring to only involves a metaphorical burning in one’s loins?

The uber groovy “But You” is Savior at her most evocative in terms of making the listener fathom her extreme loneliness in the absence of the one she loves (or loved). The best way to conjure this picture is, naturally, with a mattress. More to the point, “the wilted edge of a lonesome mattress” where once her boyfriend used to lay. No more, alas. And the one person who can heal the pain of this wound is the one person who isn’t around to do so. Oh how cruel irony can be in matters of love and all the agony it wreaks (also causing one’s own body to reek from the depression side effect of not washing on the reg).

The denouement that is “The Archer” is as meandering and dreamy as the video itself, featuring Savior roaming aimlessly along the coastline (of Port Townsend, Washington) near a lighthouse that seems useless to her. Not just because it’s the daytime, but because, from a navigational standpoint, there is nowhere she needs to be anymore now that she’s lost the port in the storm that she thought was her true love, the one who “bit [her] head right off with [his] tiny little mouth,” prompting her to “lick the blood from [his] lips.” Indeed, Savior admitted that after some reflection, “At the time, my perception was that I was writing a song about how it feels to love someone, but now when I listen back to ‘The Archer,’ I realize that I was writing an observation of a psychologically unhealthy relationship, from the perspective of someone who is unconsciously aware that she is being emotionally mistreated.” Maybe, in the end, however, if The Archer is any indication, music is both emblematic of the lighthouse and her home. Regardless of living in any (last) shadow (puppet) of certain parties that have worked with her before. Savior is very much her own musician, even if also an amalgam of so many kinds of infinite sadness as previously conveyed by some of her more obviously influencing forebears.

[starspatter]

WIP Challenge

Tagged by: @summertime-children

Tagging: @astrologista, @atsushishelteredinmoonlitjasmine, @benditlikegumby, @cryptoriawebb, @ibmiller, @iceperialprincess, and @otherwise-uncolonized

Challenge: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous.

I'll also do what deta did and post comments + short fragments.  (Be warned it'll be very long though, and most of these are actually Pokémon fics since I was a much more prolific writer when I was younger, and that was the fandom I wrote mainly for.)  I also won't be including "Heroes and Thieves" on here (or any DC/superhero stuff really since I’ve essentially “done” everything I had planned for now), as *technically* it is all already completed in draft form, and I'd like to keep things a surprise for whenever I do end up posting~

Hero and Seek

“Well, we’re all together now, so let’s have some fun, all right?  Don’t worry, it’s really simple.  One person is the ‘demon’, and the others have to hide from him.” “Eh?  A ‘demon’?  But that’s scary!” Three pairs of eyes turned up to her in fear.  Those eyes, which screamed and streamed the stark color of blood the first time she saw them – not just from tears, but from the ‘monster’ they believed dwelled deep within.  She thought for a moment, then removed her scarf. “How about this then?  Whoever’s the ‘hero’ has to find and rescue the others.  It’s a very important Blindfold Brigade mission!”

I’ll start with the one Kagepro fic I did attempt at least, which I described previously here, but is basically about Ayano + the Meka Trio playing “Hide and Seek” for the first time.  (I actually had it originally titled as that but just came up with this new version on the spot lol I’m so clever~)  For some reason I’ve always been hesitant about reading/writing Kagefic, but I actually got a fair bit farther in this than I thought, so perhaps I should try to finish it someday... Princes and Frogs

“K-Koizumi-senpai… Um… Please go out with me!” Itsuki stared down at the tiny underclassman, watching a rose mantle spread slowly over her cheeks as she gazed back with shy, but determined hope in her bespectacled eyes.  The older boy could make out his own handsome face reflected off the lens, a virtual image embellished by sparkling hearts and stars.  With dim satisfaction and relief, Itsuki ensured that his bright, patient smile betrayed no hint of the weary sigh that whispered behind it.

This is an intro excerpt of the first chapter I planned to write for an ItsuHaru fic from The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, which I only ever posted the prologue for.  ItsuHaru was my first obsessive OTP, and I still think about returning to this story someday (especially since I have now proven to myself I *can* finish a full chapter fic if I put my mind to it), but it’s been so long I feel like I’d need to refresh my memory of the whole series/am still holding out hope for a Season 3 to motivate me again. *shot*

Fall to Pieces

As Itsuki stared at Yuki’s vacant visage, his resentment kept building.  His hands clenched, rigidly gripping the edge of the table.  Somehow, it just didn’t seem fair.  That she could so easily ignore the madness fate had dealt them, never reveal any signs of suffering or bitterness towards her situation, and yet always, always wear the same damn expression on her face. How could she possibly stand it? He can’t stand it. (any more)

An ItsuYuki one-shot, where Itsuki basically blows up at her from pent-up frustration over having to wear a mask all the time and his hidden feelings for Haruhi.  The two start to form a connection over their respective “unrequited loves”/understanding of each other’s pain, and one thing leads to another...  Like “Heroes and Thieves”, this is in fact technically “complete”, since I actually used the leftover steam from the former towards finishing at least one thing I started a long time ago - although I’m still not sure I’m totally satisfied with it/kinda want to wait to figure out what I’m doing with my other ItsuHaru fics before I publish it by itself.  (Incidentally the working title comes from an Avril Lavigne song lol.)

Little White Lies

“Perhaps the best thing for the princess would have been to fall in love.  But how a princess who had no gravity could fall into anything is a difficulty--perhaps the difficulty.” -George MacDonald, The Light Princess - Haruhi Suzumiya was walking on air. Itsuki could tell by the way she glided into the clubroom, sailing like a paper airplane – or a balloon with an inflated ego to match.

...Yeah that’s as far as I got with this.  This was meant to be a “White Day” story, which is Japan’s “answer holiday” to Valentine’s Day, where guys reciprocate by giving gifts to the girls who gave them chocolates.  I always wondered how the boys actually responded in-universe, and I imagine Itsuki secretly stressing out a lot about taking care to not upstage Kyon, but at the same time wanting to sincerely express his genuine appreciation and feelings towards Haruhi - whatever they may be.  In the end, he settles on a copy of “The Light Princess” by George MacDonald, which I highly recommend reading since it reminds me so much of this pair, and in general is such a fun and snappy “tongue-in-cheek” take on the fairytale genre. Sora in Wonderland

But wait- this one was a bit different from all its brothers and sisters.  For one thing, it was wearing a fancy waistcoat with pockets- and sleeves that were far too long for it.  As soon as it passed by her head, it stopped and slowly turned its head around to stare directly at her with its huge circular yellow eyes.  Sora stared vacantly back for a full five seconds before the information registered in her brain and she suddenly yelled, “Hey!”, and sat bolt upright.  The Heartless panicked upon hearing her voice and fled at top speed across the white sands, headed towards an opening in the rocks; Sora jumped down off her perch and immediately chased after it, no longer caring about the heat.  The Heartless hastily disappeared inside the cave, and Sora soon followed after, determined to catch the freaky little thing and ask it some questions, like what it was doing on the island at this time, and where on earth did it get a waistcoat.

OKAY SO I TOTALLY FORGOT THIS WAS A THING but apparently I tried to write a Kingdom Hearts parody of “Alice in Wonderland” lmao.  I’ve never actually played the games (aside from half of CoM), but it was probably inspired by a crossover art my friend drew? ^^; Also Sora is a girl in this bc that’s my headcanon and I’m sticking to it. XP *shot* Note: The following fics are all Pokémon-related so I’ll just be listing them in roughly chronological order (from most recent to ancient, although they’re all pretty old at this point). Stranger

The elder slowly rose to his feet, gazing at the boy, the champion, the stranger.  “In all this time, why didn’t you come back?  You could have seen for yourself how she was.” Lance wanted to yell something defiant, like a child.  But he wasn’t a child.  Children were forgiven for their mistakes.  And he didn’t want to be forgiven. The professor’s ancient hand came to rest on the boy’s shoulder.  “It’s the way this town works.  We don’t talk about things that happen outside our own world.  Maybe it was too long ago – too late for you to understand.” Lance didn’t say anything. “At least talk to Delia.  She’s been wanting to see you.” “Sorry.  It’s too late.” “You’re a bastard.” “I know.”

So this looks to be among the last things I’d written before taking a long break from fanfiction circa... 2007, jeeze.  Over 10 years, huh.  But, I think it speaks a certain amount of maturity that it’s the piece I liked most upon rediscovering.  It’s based on an idea I once had that Lance was (unknowingly) Gary Oak’s father, and he was friends/rivals with Ash’s father, who originally won the title of Champion but relinquished it so he could be with his “wife” and kid (or rather, then-pregnant teenage girlfriend).  *Something* happened though (I forget what I had in mind) and he ended up dying, leaving Lance bitter and depressed so he refused to return to Pallet Town because of too many painful memories.  (Though he *cough* “comforted” their other female childhood friend for one night of drunken grief before he left. ;()  What I like most about it honestly is the parallels bw Lance’s relationship with Ash’s dad and their sons’, and that amidst all the angst I enjoyed portraying the earnest energy and optimism of Ketchum(?) senior (”like father like son” after all).  I was definitely inspired by Mitsuki’s father in Full Moon wo Sagashite/Maes Hughes from Fullmetal Alchemist by making him a total “dork dad” who’d brag about his (illegitimate) family on national TV during the championship tournament lol.

Ihavenoidea

Either way, I get the feeling this really wasn’t what I had in mind when I made my decision to quit training.  I mean that in an intuitive sort of way.  Like, sometimes I feel as if I’m not meant to be here, like my life should have ended up differently someplace else.  Perhaps this is just one of those weird inconsistencies I told you about.  Perhaps not.  Even after all that’s happened to me recently, I still can’t really be sure about it.

...No seriously, I have no idea where I was going with this.  As far as I can tell it’s written from the POV of Gary Oak, whom I’ve always had a lot of... “complicated” feelings towards.  It probably has something to do with another concept I’ll discuss next, although for some reason it sounds like I was going for some sort of AU? *shrug* By contrast to the above, it reads like a whiny teenager complaining about his life - which makes me cringe but is probably an accurate portrayal of who I was at the time. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ This one was actually dated a little after the previous, so my best guess is it was some kind of vent rant where I would “give up” writing/creating and “childish” ideals for a while, as I was wont to do - but I still always come back to it somehow... RainbowMolly

Molly stepped out from the car and onto the dusty road, her heart beating wildly.  She could hardly believe she was actually here, of all places. The ride had been long and mind-numbing with anticipation, and now that they’d finally arrived at the destination, it all felt somewhat surreal to her. A small bear clambered out from the vehicle, joining her as she stopped to take in the rustic view that met her bright blue eyes.  She smiled and picked up her Teddiursa, cuddling its warm, fuzzy body close to her own. Her gaze traveled down the road which stretched in both directions, houses lining up against its margins. She followed it with her eyes towards a hill in the distance, on top of which sat what looked like a quaint little farmhouse with a windmill, turning in the summer breeze.  She breathed in the country air, catching whiff of a faint salt smell from an ocean in the distance. So this was Pallet Town.

...Why I didn’t actually name the file “Chasing Rainbows” - which was the title I had planned for this - I don’t know.  This dates back to an old idea I had where I believed Molly Hale from the third Pokémon movie was secretly the true “God” of the Pokémon world - in the sense that the entire universe was an unknowing fantasy of her own creation, similar to Haruhi Suzumiya (ok fine this was totally a crossover/rip-off of the same concept so sue me OTL).  In a place where children never seem to grow up and can go on grand fantastical adventures forever, Gary always struck me as an anomaly who willingly *chose* to forego such a life to pursue more “adult” interests by becoming a researcher.  So I saw him as filling the role of “Kyon” - the cynical narrator who was destined to ground “God” and bring her back down to earth, but at the same time be won over by her innocence and charm and learn to appreciate “kids’ stuff” again.  However, the Legendaries were actually aware of the power Molly holds, and so saw Gary as a threat to their very being - as by “waking” the dreamer and having her face reality meant erasing their kinds’ entire existence.  As the “apocalypse” nearly occurred in the third film, Mew and Celebi took on human disguises (in the form of May and Max respectively) to investigate Ash, who was able to calm Molly and “save” the world by “perpetuating” the delusion (and whom Molly totally has a crush on btw *shot*).  So it’s a bit of a love triangle lol, with Mew and Celebi (*cough* an alien and a time traveler, get it? *shot*) acting as mediators/interference.  (Although Mew might’ve secretly shipped Gary and Molly herself. ;O)

Betrayal

And these blades, these damned scythes that attached themselves to my arms when I was born, a curse upon me since birth, though it had not been apparent up until now.  They were covered with blood, the vital crimson liquid that flows through our bodies, now dripping down the steel surface in a webbed pattern, drops beginning to splatter the pure, emerald grass below.  The arm felt heavy and weak as I tried to lift it, as if it did not belong to me, but that was only a wishful thought.  I gazed calmly at it, inspecting the intricate designs the flow of the substance had created, as if it were an abstract piece of artwork. Tentatively, a pink tongue rolled out and caught a small droplet of it just before it fell from the sharp edge, just to convince myself that it was real.  The semi-sweet, metallic taste confirmed this.  I had indeed taken these men’s lives, just as I had taken hers.

So I remember this was written from the POV of a Scyther who seemingly went on a murderous rampage.  I only know that I wanted to give him an “Edward Scissorhands”-like story, since the idea of having such sharp objects attached to one’s limbs so that one could never directly “touch” another without being a danger is pretty tragic.  I suspect “her” was someone (a human?) he cared about but killed by accident, and after that he was only seen as a symbol of power/treated as a tool to incite fear before eventually rebelling against his “master”... Roses

“If you love someone, you should give them something that’s yours. That shows how much you care for them.” In the darkness, I pictured his smiling face, explaining to me as he wrapped a present for his girlfriend. His blue eyes were shining with a sort of spirit unfamiliar to me; I guessed, a feeling of love.

Another “dark” take on a Pokémon’s biology (I really liked writing explorations of those back then lol), this time of Roselia.  The idea was that a Roselia was so in love with her trainer that she would do anything for him - including allow him to cut off her arms so he could give them to his girlfriend.  I actually ended up turning it into a poem at one point:

Love is like a rose they say, And affection leads to grief they warned. For in the end love betrays, Its Beauty maimed by a poisoned thorn. You gave me pure water with a smile. Your cheerful face became my sun. I offered up my blood to you, And in return demanded none. Chop off my wrists, and tie them together. I’ll gladly bleed myself to death. In order to give you that which I hold most dear. My dear, my dear, Won’t you accept this bouquet? You take it, smiling warily. A blush creeps onto your face. And in those eyes I can see A garden of roses stretched out, Composing a wondrous place. Then you bound my hands in lace, And brought them to the girl next door. You presented them to her with grace. … My blood continued to pour.

Fanfic

She smiled at me, although something about her expression indicated something wasn't quite right.  I watched as she glanced over towards the west, her gaze lingering momentarily on the setting sun.  The glowing, orange sphere was slowly sinking behind the distant mountains, peaks cloaked in a pale, lavender haze illuminated by flickering beams of gold and scarlet cast across the horizon.

More accurately, I found this buried in a “catch-all” file where I had several (mostly finished) fics saved.  This was meant to be from the POV of an Eevee who had just evolved - supposedly into an Espeon due to happiness and bond with her trainer, which is what both wanted.  However, since it took place at sunset, she didn’t realize she had become an Umbreon instead, and her trainer ended up abandoning her for it. ;( It was a warm

Children’s shrieks and laughter echoed across the park as they flocked towards each other, and soon were chasing one another round the playground, weaving in and out between the swings as they partook in an innocent game of Tag.  One child was It; she was trying desperately to catch one of her friends so that they would take over the job instead.  Then it would be her turn to run away, for none of them wished to play the loathsome role of It.  Or was it because they feared being tainted by the person’s touch?  It must have been one of the two, for while she would struggle to reach them, catch hold of them, they would only flee, thoroughly enjoying the fact that they were vexing her.  Twice she nearly caught one.  Her fingertips were almost within reach of one of the other girls’ dresses, whose russet tresses were flowing wildly from the rush of movement and shining with golden highlights as the rays of the sun struck individual strands.  The target shrieked and shook her head, whisking her skirt free in time to escape capture, laughing with glee at the sight of the girl left behind, miserable and alone. 

Yeah I totally just went with the default beginning of the first sentence lol.  I guess this comes full circle with the first Kagepro fic I mentioned (although I’m not even sure I was aware back then that the Japanese version of the game literally called “It” a “demon”, which is even more fitting).  I believe this was part of a Pokémon series I was writing involving a creepy little girl and Mewtwo who would bring about the end of the world or something like that, but generally I guess I was just going for a “Catcher in the Rye” feel. *shrug* Golden Lights

The pale, rosy fingers of dawn were filtering in through the Granite Cave entrance, basking a small area near the opening in pinkish illumination.  Just out of reach of its expanse sat little Mika, huddled in the gloom of the shadows, watching the light creep steadily towards her as the glowing ball of fire rose slowly towards the East.  She knew about the Light that came from Outside.  There were plenty other small apertures broken into the cavern walls and ceiling that allowed some thin streams of gold brilliance to trickle through.  She had always done well to avoid them.  The brightness was like poison to her skin.  But they weren’t the Lights she’d had described to her by the old Crobat that always resided now deeper within the underground chambers, dozing now, most likely.  He wouldn’t awaken until night came round, and she did not wish to rouse him and perhaps disturb him from a pleasant dream.  She was very wise about things like that, being the young child that she was.  Still, she would have liked to hear a story to comfort her just then.

Last one I could find, about a Sableye who, like Icarus, literally “flew too close to the sun”.  In this interpretation I imagined that Sableye were creatures who could not stand sunlight at all, as it would cause their skin to burn.  But Mika (pronounced like “Mica”) always dreamed of going outside to see the “Light” anyway.  She was eventually tempted by Mew to leave the cavern under her angelic PROTECTion and step into the Light, who was acting as Ho-Oh’s messenger to “recruit” souls to “live eternal as an element of Ho-Oh’s Guarding Flame“, as the PROTECT faded and a “holy fire” began to spread.  I guess I was going for a Biblical/”Rapture”-esque reference.  (...Man I sure was obsessed with the endtimes as a kid. *shot*)

[judithbutlersdealer]

favorite books of 2018

yes I know we’re halfway through January but time isn’t real

goals: read 30 books

don’t read white men/read everyone but white men

at this point I naturally gravitate towards books that aren’t about or by white men so this wasn’t a big issue for me, plus I didn’t have any strict restrictions about Not Allowing Myself to read white men at all or anything, because if a book is good then it’s good and if an author is good then they’re good! I don’t want to willfully rob myself of a good experience, my main objective was just to broaden my horizons and focus overwhelmingly on people who aren’t white men so GOAL ACCOMPLISHED

data ripped from my Goodreads page because I think it’s fun:

69 books

20,879 pages

shortest book: letters to a young poet (52 pages)

longest books: the unabridged journals of sylvia plath (732 pages)

top 10

I Can’t Believe You Just Said That by Danny Wallace

this book was great. Danny Wallace basically meets a Rude Man and it upsets him so much he just starts investigating the history of rudeness. so fun and smart and tender and amazing. I read this book while continuously failing my driving test because the guy who was doing the test was a notorious sadist and I was really just Going Thru It on all fronts and this book was actually such a breath of fresh air right in that period of my life. like yes some people are very terrible and there’s nothing for you to do about that and some people are very good, and you will probably meet an equal mix of both in your life and that’s pretty fascinating, all things considered. great stuff written by a great man.

white man?: yes but Danny Wallace is one of my all-time favorite writers and also human beings so!!! I can’t believe I have less than a year until I go to the same school he went to and move to the city where he lives!!!! what the fuck (please Danny Wallace if you’re reading this don’t get a restraining order I’m actually a quite normal and stable person I swear)

How to Murder Your Life by Cat Marnell

are you an opium memoir, alcohol memoir, or amphetamine memoir type of person? personally I love them all but I used to be an amphetamine person and now I can’t be an amphetamine person so I’m an amphetamine memoir person. I wish people would take this book (and all books like this) more seriously. I took it seriously and it was painful. very fast read, very fun, very sad. can’t ever watch Catfish ever again.

white man?: no

The Idiot by Elif Batuman

WOWWWWWWW this book. this book right here! this fucking book. it ripped out my heart and then fed it to me again. what is it about seeing your own home described so carefully & tenderly & lovingly & with such surgical precision by someone who’s an outsider there? idk but it makes life worth living for me. I’m still 100% convinced that Elif Batuman wrote this book for me, specifically. you guys get to read it and that’s cool because it’s a great book but it was written for me. thank you Elif!!! so generous.

this book punched me in the mouth then kissed me on the forehead then baked me a cake then got me drunk.

white man?: no

Call Me by Your Name by André Aciman

I still haven’t seen the movie, and that should tell you how much this book hurt my heart. it didn’t even hurt it as much as it moved inside it & lived there & probably will for the rest of my life. I read it while trekking through the Alps and also so deeply in love I felt like it would never go away (and it didn’t) and this book just Got It. it didn’t get me as much as it got the concept of love & desire & knowing yourself vs knowing someone else vs knowing the two of you together. the whole book is one long, breathless sentence. there’s a quote I sometimes use on my blog to tag stuff and it’s “desire is always leaving the door open” and that’s what this book is about.

white man?: yes

Changing My Mind by Zadie Smith

this is the book I’ll always read when I want to remind myself how much smarter I can be.

white man?: no

Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher

perfect book to read on a rocky beach on the Côte d'Azur in late August. equal parts glossy fun & thought-provoking. all in all I’m really thankful that Carrie Fisher found the strength to write as much as she did throughout her life, and I’m thankful that I found her books this year

white man?: no

The Essex Serpent by Sarah Perry

perfect Christmas break-read. this book is so different from what I usually read (I pretty much never read historical fiction & whenever I try I just can’t get into it) but something just drew me to it & I needed something to read while sprawled out on the couch post-Christmas dinner, so I bought it on a whim and I’m so glad I did! the prose was great, the characterization fantastic, and the whole premise of the book was just cool as fuck tbh. unnerving & sad & tender & so so so lovely. the ending was strange and perfect just like the whole book. makes you Think and Feel.

white man?: no

Conversations with Friends by Sally Rooney

perfect plane-read. perfect read for the end of a week when you’ve visited your extended family back home & you've interacted with so many people & they’re all so complicated in their own way & it’s all been a lot and you just want someone to look inside your head and go, look, I understand, here, have some spiked lemonade. this book did exactly that! everything in it is relatable. it’s like you do all these small things throughout the day, and then it turns out that someone has noticed them all and they have been writing notes on them and one day they finally show you, but in a non-creepy way. very smart book, very entertaining, makes you ponder stuff that you maybe used to think was insignificant.

white man?: no

Reborn by Susan Sontag

reading this while feeling manic and hopped up on like five cups of green tea and black coffee was an Experience. smart. sad. hopeful. intimidating. mostly, what this book did was make me feel a lot less alone. like there was a woman out there whose brain was also going 200 mp/h all the time and she was also constantly in search of intellectual simulation and nothing was enough and she knew she had things to say but she had no one to say it to, and she was afraid of the future just as much as she fetishized it, and she didn’t always feel the right things in the right situations but she somehow managed. and in the end she found ways to fulfill herself and she found ways in which she could excel and she found work that was satisfying (and I say this with zero intent of romanticizing anything about Sontag’s life). so maybe there’s hope for all of us who are constantly bouncing off the walls and always feel like we’re living behind a glass wall.

white man?: no

Secondhand Time by Svetlana Alexievich

definitely the hardest book to read of 2018. it’s so scary to imagine not just how much work Svetlana Alexavitch put into this book, but also how much it must have hurt her, emotionally, and how many times she must have wanted to abandon it all and lie down and just take a really long nap, because it was all so painful (or maybe she’s a much better and more productive person than I am and she never had those thoughts) anyways this was 100% a book where I was like, I hate all of this but I need to know these things so I’ll push through. everything my parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles have ever told me was in this book, except it was all jammed up on steroids. but I know I need to learn about and understand their history better, even if it’s super painful, especially because it’s super painful! and especially because it’s not my history. I’m so glad this book won the Nobel Prize & I’ll never listen to anyone who thinks otherwise.

white man?: no

comments:

I’m satisfied with myself, I read more than twice the amount I originally set out to read, I read a wide variety of genres and subjects, I read a lot of books I liked, I read a lot of books that have been sitting on my TBR for a very long time, I didn’t read too many white men!!! I originally made it my goal to read 30 books because I was balls deep in a horrible depressive episode in late 2017/early 2018 and I just fully couldn’t even read a chapter of anything without getting a panic attack, so 30 books was an ambitious but still achievable goal. it’s nothing compared to how much I read when I’m doing better, but I was really struggling back then and frankly I wasn’t even sure I’d accomplish this much, so I’m very happy with my progress. I also pushed myself to read books that were difficult to read for different reasons and powered through many of them, which I’m also proud of. the second half of 2019 is going to be insane, but I still want to set myself the goal of reading 40 books, which I think I can realistically accomplish in the first half of the year, if things really do get so crazy hectic that I won’t have the time to read AT ALL later in the year, which it hopefully won’t. but I think 40 is a nice and realistic goal. we’ll see!!!

ultimately, this was the year I explicitly decided that I wanted to be a well-read person, that reading a lot was an important priority in my life, and it’s important to me that I push myself to continue to read a lot, because 1) it makes me a better person and 2) it makes me happy. so deciding to challenge myself to read as much as possible and actually set myself reading goals and challenges and then invest time and energy in accomplishing them has been an important consequence of this year’s reading challenge and it’s definitely something that’s going to affect how I read in the future. OKAY NERD EPISODE OVER BYE

(big thanks to Muffy @whitegirlblog for the inspiration 🤓)

[altraes]

Tagged by @avenger-hawk @renamon15 and @koukenkage . Thank you :)

Rules: Answer the 11 questions you were asked, write 11 questions and tag 11 people.

(this is going to be long, sorry)

Questions by avenger-hawk:

1. What’s your favourite book? The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. Siddartha by Hermann Hesse. Lord of the Flies by William Golding. Russian Roulette by Anthony Horowitz. Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson. A Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde.

2. What’s your dream job? Becoming a sustainable and/or preservation architect. Want to be able to make artworks and write preferably fiction (and fanfiction XD) on the side.

3. Favourite and least favourite food? Favorite: Apples. least favorite: bitter pickles

4. What’s the thing you like the most about yourself? These days, nothing really.

5. And what’s the thing you hate the most about yourself? Ah, many things. I’m under-confident and indecisive. I mostly make decisions based on my feelings rather than logic and practicality, which is not smart at all but I can’t help it. I’m reluctant and wary of change. I am slow and absent-minded. Etc etc

6. If you could go back in time what era or moment in time (both general and in your life) would you choose? @renamon15 same. I’d like to go back to my childhood and live life with the mindset I’ve gained till now.

7. If you had the chance to get to know one thing that has been hidden so far, what would that be? (like are aliens real? or conspiracies or gods or whatever lol) All the mysteries that comprise the deep sea. Not helpful for me in any way but I’ve always been intrigued by it and find it surprising how little we know.

8. How many languages do you speak? Is there a language you’d like to know? Four (not completely fluent in speaking two of these). I’d love to learn French, Japanese and Russian.

9. What’s your favourite music genre/artist/artists? These days I only listen to indie music, soft rock, jazzhop, asian-traditional fused with modern. I listen to the occasional song too. And I don’t have particular favorite artists or bands etc, it really depends on the songs/music and my mood.

10. What’s your favourite word? I don’t know ^^’ I don’t really think about this, mostly because it changes with my mood too.

11. What’s your favourite quote? “When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change” by Aang in The Legend of Korra. (there are many others but that’s the first one that came to mind.)

 Questions by renamon15:

1. Is there a song that describes you, or song you can relate to? Stay in the Dark by Lambert. I’m not sure if it describes me or it’s something that I relate to, but I find it soothing.

2. Your first pet? (If you didn’t have a pet, did you wish to have one?) It was a goldfish named Poly, lol. I want to have a sassy/curious cat and a chill af dog.

4. Is there something you liked in the past, but you regret it now? I used to read more in the past, nowadays I don’t read as much, which I regret.

5. Is there something bad/embarrassing that happened to you, but you laugh about it today? Uh, I forgot to lock the door when I was showering and my mom walked in on me ^///^’. THANKFULLY IT WASN’T MY DAD OR ANYONE ELSE. It still makes me cringe to this day. I’m often absent-minded so ^^’

6. One guilty pleasure? I like to stay up very late. I really try not to, but it’s when I’m most productive in terms of writing and drawing.

7.How do you reward yourself after accomplishing something big/important? Any among these things: have ice-cream, watch a movie or anime/TV show, take a walk if it’s a nice day. Start a book (if I have the time).

9. One dream you can’t forget (like one that was really scary or pleasant, or one that for some other reason stayed engraved in your head)? It’s disturbing that I sometimes see nightmares as if I’m watching horror movies. I see people I’ve never seen/met before and places I’ve never been to. I see creatures and events that flit by one scene after the other in quick succession. They’re terrifying and very vivid. I usually wake up screaming and with sleep paralysis. Till now I’ve seen three of such distinctly horrific dreams and have even written them down, but I don’t think I will post them anywhere. (I think I watch too much horror movies lol.)

10. Favorite game from your childhood? Hide and seek :)

11. If you could be possessed by someone, dead or alive, or even fictional, who would you like to be possessed by? No one? I find the idea of possession kind of weird. Also, idk why anyone would want to possess me lol.

 Questions by koukenkage:

1. What did you want to become as a grown up when you were a child? A vet. That changed when I learnt I would have to see sick animals all the time and I realised I wouldn’t be able to handle it ^^’

2. Is there a big dream that you had to give up to achieve your goals? Do you regret it? I don’t think I’ve given up any big dream. Right now I’m doing what I enjoy so I’m satisfied.

3. Is there a book/a movie that you’ve loved but couldn’t read or watch again? Citizen: an American Lyric by Claudia Rankine. I had a love-hate relationship with this book. It’s about racism faced by African Americans in America, and of course, I sympathize. However, the book is too serious and intense - it’s stressful. Of course, I suppose it’s supposed to impart such feelings, but still. The best thing about it, however, is her writing style: it’s one of the most unique I’ve come across - a blend of imagery, script and poetry along with dialogues between various photographs and artworks. It’s really an inspiration. But yes, would never read again, sorz Claudia.

4. If you could be someone else for 24 hours, who would that be? Can I be a happy eight-year-old kid thank you.

5. You can get your dream job in exchange for ten years of your life, do you accept? Nope. Time and youth is precious, I’d rather work and study the ten years to get my dream job. In the ten years lost, I feel like I’d miss out on a lot of things.

6. A meteorite is to destroy the earth in 24h, what do you do for dinner tonight? Be home with my family but they’re across the globe so this question stresses me D:

7. You can revive one human being, no matter how long ago they died, who do you choose? Someone of your family? Siddhārtha Gautama? Homer? Shakespeare? Jesus christ? Be wild (or not). Van Gogh. So that he’d get to see how much his art inspires people now. Poor guy was depressed most of his life and his art career was unsuccessful. I’m sure there are lots of artists/writers/activists etc whose works and deeds became appreciated only posthumously. Let them see that they touched people’s lives.

8. You can make one thing disappear from existence, what do you choose? (It has to be something concrete, not a concept, like the flue is okay, but not the concept of disease.) Mosquitoes lol

9. You wake up in the body of Quasimodo, what is your first thought? If we’re really talking about first thoughts then: I AM IN PARIS FFFF I WANT TO TOUR EVERYWHERE.

10. You are going on an adventure of unknown nature, but you are allowed to choose a fictional character to accompany you, who are you going to choose and why? Shisui. Because he’s intelligent and strong so my potato brain and unathletic body can rely on him ^^’. He’s also wonderfully optimistic and has a good sense of humor so he’d make the journey fun too.

11. You fall deeply in love with someone, then realize that this person has done something horrible that goes against all your principles, and you know that you’ll think of it every time you see them. What do you do? I wouldn’t be able to look at them the same way, but I’d be willing to give them a second chance for redemption (everyone deserves this I think). If even that doesn’t work out, sorry. It would have to end. This is all in theory, of course.

My questions:

1. When you’re most depressed, what do you do/think about to cheer yourself up?

2. What are some things you’ve touched that grant you immediate comfort/happiness? (i know, it’s a weird qt, lel)

3. What is one quality in someone that you’ve found really admirable and why?

4. What is one profession you’d like to practice instead of the one you’re working towards/working in?

5. One wondrous/disturbing/interesting memory or imagery from your childhood that you remember vividly.

6. Early bird or night owl?

7. If you could teleport, where would you choose to go first?

8. One good gesture you did today?

9. One thing you’ve regretted doing in the past and can’t get over it even now?

10. One superpower you’d like to have and why?

11. What’s the last book/movie/show/play etc you indulged in that strongly affected you (as in emotionally or made you reflective)?

Tagging: @avenger-hawk @renamon15 @koukenkage (please, only if you want to ofc) @tsukiko-hibiki @littleunknowncrow @konohagakureship (also if you want to)

and anyone else who’d want to do this :)

[theghostofashton]

“you look like you could use a hug.”

this is soft and adorable i am in love with it

60 – "You look like you could use a hug."

The boy is crying.

He hears it, loud and clear, like an arrow that's been shot and is now embedding itself straight into his heart.

It's the kind of crying you can't control, the tears that just keep coming and the accompanying sobs that flow infinitely. It's everywhere and everyone knows it's happening, but the waterworks have a tap that cannot be shut off. It's the kind of crying you don't expect to happen, the tears that just come, out of nowhere, right before school starts or in the middle of a performance or right after a seemingly good conversation. It's random and unpredictable and you know everyone is looking at you, you know, but there's nothing you can do about it.

And that just makes you cry harder.

The Starbucks is surprisingly not too crowded for almost 11 in the morning.

He comes here a lot, orders a venti Americano and pulls his laptop out of his bag, sets to work amongst the ambient chatter, drinks being poured and the door opening and quickly slamming shut to keep in the precious warm air. It's a nice place to be when you have headphones in, a nice change of atmosphere in which he can actually get some work done, you go to Starbucks a lot.

huh?

At this point, Otto always smiles, leans over and nudges his shoulder good-naturedly. you practically live there, man.

I like going there to do work. It's nice. Calming. Sometimes I just needa...get outta here, you know?

yeah. I know.

And then Otto would get up from wherever he was, abandon whatever he was doing, come over and sit down, curl in, press his face against his neck, wrap his arms around his waist and squeeze. He'd smile and Otto would smile and he'd take a breath, shove his laptop into his bag and press a lasting kiss to the top of Otto's head before he stood.

He's become a regular here, one that's recognized by multiple baristas and therefore has a drink made for him before he even has to ask for it. He has a running tab and a good relationship with everyone – it pays to actually make the baristas feel human, instead of emotionless robots put on Earth to satisfy the world's caffeine needs, and it's given him a priceless reward, hey, don't worry about it. S'on the house. I'll just refill that for you. You cool if I bump you up to a venti?

It's nice.

Everything about his life at this moment can be described in that way. He finally feels it; the blanket of security that wraps around him just enough. It's a hug that squeezes in all the right places. It feels like he lives in front of a fireplace, letting the flames gently warm his skin and floating in that trance of warmwarmwarm.

It was years of 3 am nights and fights to go on, years of sagging skin and red eyes, dragging toward a prize he thought was invisible. It felt like someone making cuts in his brain, chopping it up like it was a piece of meat. It would've been more useful that way, more useful that rendering him bedbound and broken for days upon days.

It was years of pain, feeling like he was drowning in a sea that only got bigger. He was drifting and sinking and choking on mouthfuls of liquid that absorbed into his skin and stung from the outside in, pressed against his body and transferred it all, everything at once. It was years and tears and the constant suppression by every single one of his childhood fears, like will I ever be happy or will I ever love myself or will I ever not want to die please I really don't want to want to die anymore please get me to a place where I won't want to die anymore I don't want to want to die anymore-

It's nice.

It's a routine that hasn't gotten old and the balance no longer leaves him cold.

He remembers the good days of recovery, the ones where he felt like he could do anything and be anything and eventually win the war against depression, the days when he was invincible and anyone in his way was just an inconvenience.

Every day is one of those now.

It's nice.

The boy's sobs have only gotten louder.

That's what he notices first, as he zones back into the hustle and bustle of the coffee shop. The little whimpers and cries that were previously only audible to him and the surrounding couple of people are now full-on sobs that sound choked and heavy.

He's sitting a few tables away. His head is down and buried in his arms. Only his hair is visible. It's blue. The color is fading considerably. His roots are growing out and brown is combining with the dyed color. The blue is barely saturated, like the color was a paint rag and almost every drop has been squeezed out.

He's swimming in the sweater he's wearing. The fabric is collecting against his back, the extra bunched against his body. It's nothing like Geoff has ever seen before. The pattern is so abstract, such a contrast to anything in the trendy stores or designer shops now. The colors are so bright and the entire thing is so vibrant. He wants to know where it's from. It's beautiful.

Everything about him is different. Geoff's never seen him in this Starbucks before – and he's here a majority of days; he's been able to pick out the regulars from the ones that come in periodically, the ones who drop in once and never return from the ones who're there at least twice a week.

This boy is new.

This boy is different.

This boy is crying.

He swallows and shuts the lid of his laptop, reaches for his bag and shoves the computer inside. He grabs his cup before he stands, hefts the messenger bag over his shoulder and walks over to the trashcan to throw it out, before he makes his way over to the table. He slides into the chair across from the boy, sets his bag down by his feet and winces at the wild, tear-filled eyes that are staring back at him.

"Hi," he says. He reaches across the table and flips up his palm, holds his hand out in case the boy wants to take it. He looks at it, down at Geoff's hand and then back up at Geoff, hiccups and sniffles loudly. "I'm Geoff."

"A-Awsten," the boy says. His voice is hoarse. It cracks while he's talking and breaks off at the end. He swallows and bites his lip. "S-Sorry. Was- did I- was I too l-loud?"

Even if he were, Geoff wouldn't say so. The boy's eyes are glassy and his lip is quivering. His face is swollen and his hair is a messy. He's reaching up to smooth it out, using the back of his hands to rub angrily at his face – which only serves to irritate the skin even more.

Geoff wants to hug him. He wants to take him into his arms and press him into his chest, promise hey, it's okay. Whatever you're dealing with right now will pass, I promise. you're gonna be okay.

"No!" He emphasizes the word. The boy – Awsten – looks like he's about to start crying again. "You definitely weren't." He pauses and smiles at Awsten. "I just- I saw you crying, and I just- you look like you could use a hug."

That was absolutely the wrong thing to say.

Awsten's face seems to crumple. His lip wobbles again, and he squeezes his eyes shut as more tears leak out and trail down his cheeks.

Shit.

"I'm sorry," Geoff rushes out. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I just thought-"

Awsten shakes his head, sniffles again and holds his arms up weakly. They're shaking, just like the rest of him. "I-I'd like that."

He takes a breath as he stands. Awsten slides out of his chair too, and they meet halfway. He opens his arms and Awsten crashes into them. A damp spot starts on the sleeve of his jacket. The sobs keep coming, accompanied by little cries and even tinier whimpers. Awsten takes a heaving breath that sounds as ragged as it must feel, when he pulls away. Geoff keeps his arms around his back and holds him at arms length.

"Your jacket," Awsten whispers. "I-I'm sorry..."

"Hey, don't even worry about it," he says. It's fabric. It'll wash out. But Awsten's eyes are glittering again; the tears are coming back full force. "Are you okay?"

"M-My g-girlfriend cheated on m-me..."

He hears the words.

They register.

But it's like they set off a spark, like he's been a dying flame and they've poured gasoline all over. It feels red. It's red and everything feels hot and the world is turning white, too. It's crawling up his arms and dampening the back of his shirt. He can feel the fabric sticking to his back.

He swallows. Breathe. Deep breaths. Breathe. You're not helping anyone if you're getting angry like this. Breathe.

"I don't know you," he says. "I've never seen you before in my life. But I do know that she's scum of the fucking Earth. You didn't deserve that. You deserve someone that'll love and cherish you because anyone would be lucky to have someone like you."

Awsten ducks and shakes his head with another hiccup. "You don't even know me."

"Yeah," Geoff replies. "But I know that no one deserves to be cheated on. It's so awful and shitty and I've never understood why people do it. You didn't deserve that. You deserve the world. I'm so sorry this happened to you."

"She never cared about me," Awsten whispers. "And I- I thought something was off. But I just- I loved her so much-" He has to stop. Another sob bubbles up his throat. Geoff can hear it tear through. He rubs at his eyes again and bites down on his lip. "I thought she loved me too."

"You deserve better," Geoff says firmly. He's trying to stop. He's trying to reel himself back in, pull in the words that are just too much to say right now. He's trying to hold everything back, pick only what he's sure Awsten can handle. It isn't a lot. They're strangers. He doesn't want to overwhelm him. "You deserve so much better. Don't let her make you feel any different."

"I'm sorry," Awsten says again. "I shouldn't be puttin' this on you, you have your own shit to deal with, I'll just-" He wrestles out of Geoff's grip and takes a few steps back. "I'm sorry I bothered you."

"You didn't." Geoff doesn't recognize the words until they leave his lips. He surprises himself with them. Awsten turns, halfway to the door, lip pulled between his teeth and eyes one again glossy. "You didn't bother me, okay? I heard you crying and it broke my heart. I wanted to come over. I wanted to see if you were okay." He takes a breath. "I barely know you. But I already care about you and I hate that you're dealing with this on your own."

He grabs his bag and makes the five-step journey over to where Awsten is standing. "I'll listen. If you wanna talk, or rant, or cry. Whatever you need to do that'll help. I want to listen. I care about you. I know we just met and this is like, super awkward, or whatever, but I want to listen. I want to help. Whatever I can do. Just say the word."

This isn't one of his better ideas. He's probably going to scare him off, come on way too strong and push Awsten as far out of his life as possible. But there are still tears on his cheeks and his lip is still quivering and his eyes are too wide and everything is red.

He can't do this.

He can't let this boy – he can't let Awsten – go back out into the world carrying that on his back, collapsing under the sheer weight of it, on his own. He can't remove the weight but he can take some of it, duck underneath with Awsten so it doesn't feel so heavy.

He can do that.

They stare at each other in silence for a few moments. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other. Awsten's gaze doesn't leave him, looks him up and down and then moves to his feet.

And then, at last, he speaks. "Geoff?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I have another hug?"

[snowyseahorse]

All of them

why do you do this to me

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

Are We There Yet by Timeflies and Chase Rice

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

Where to find Better People

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Pulling myself out of my worst emotional/mental state like a year ago and evolving because of it (and I guess my grades too lol I have a 4.0 and I’m taking 4 AP tests monday-wednesday)

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

Dancing in my room and Feeling Good

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

I’d tell the truth more and tell people I love them and take easy classes because What’s The Point and make out with more people (I haven’t made out with anyone in like 6 months I’m sad) and get my driver’s license and cry more

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

I don’t! I just want to be happy. Nothing else matters.

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

Jeremy @diediedie000000000000000000000 is my closest friend right now and he’s fantastic. He has the most confusing eating habits and I don’t even try to understand them; he’ll eat like 3 servings worth of pastries and beef jerkey and sunflower seeds and 5 thin mints for breakfast. His metabolism is golden too, so he eats so much but has no body weight or fat. His hair is black and long enough to run my fingers through, which always messes it up. (but he says he enjoys it so it’s all good) He likes the aesthetic when it’s wet and all over the place, but doesn’t like actually having wet hair. His skin is perfect too and he has cute little freckles below his eyes that make him look like a literal angel. He doesn’t like drawing attention to himself but is a sluT for attention from his friends, so when I randomly take pictures of him he looks so bashful and pleased and adorable and tries so hard not to smile. On FaceTime sometimes he’ll just straight-up ask for attention and I turn off my laptop and we both lay down on our beds and make noises at each other. It’s so hard to believe that he used to ignore me in the hallways because he’s shy. I’d pass him and call his name or touch his shoulders and he wouldn’t even make eye contact. He also lied and said that he doesn’t like cuddles, and now he’s one of the most physically affectionate people I’ve ever met. (he also said that he didn’t like to say “I love you” to his friends and guess what else changed) Even at school he’ll get really close and just touch my leg or my side. (our computer graphics 2 class probably all thinks we’re dating) He does this cute thing where if I pet his nose he like leans his head into my hand like a cat and my brain is just like oh my gosh protect this human. He has a lot of cute mannerisms too. When I’m on the call and he has to put his phone down he makes the same little face that he uses for literally every snapchat he sends, with his lips pressed together and his eyebrows raised. If he’s explaining something really intensely he will sometimes curve his fingers like he’s holding two tennis balls and tense up his entire body. He’s an enneagram 4, which basically means that he gets high off of being special, and we use it as a meme when we’re talking about him. Whenever I do something weird I ask him if it “satisfies his ennegram 4” and he replies that it does. He also likes doing things that make him feel closer to someone, I guess because it reaffirms his importance and reliance. Wearing no makeup or having messy hair or singing in front of him are things he really appreciates(I’ve done all three). I’m painting him as really soft and pure but he also can be quick to retaliate (”if someone starts something, you can be sure I’ll finish it”) or become defensive if he considers himself provoked. He doesn’t like having people dislike him though, and is really proud of not hating anyone or having any real enemies. His memory is terrible, especially at night, and honestly it’s a miracle if he remembers anything that happens past 9pm. Even his short term memory after dark is pitiful. There was one night where I tested him and told him to remember a song, and 10 minutes later when I asked he has no idea what I was talking about. I’d ask him to corroborate the story but there’s no chance that he remembers. The lack of memory makes him really doubtful of facts too. My favorite test is to ask “Jeremy, did I grow up in a fjord?” (I didn’t) and he usually starts with “no”, but if after he answers I don’t say anything, he always changes to “yes?” and prompts my “JeremY, this literally happens every time. You KNOW that I didn’t, and just because I stay silent doesn’t mean that you’re wrong.” Am I a bad person? He really just needs to be protected; I’m so worried that one day he’ll literally sell his soul or do drugs or blow all of his money and just think nothing of it. I would never trust Jeremy with finances. He’s an impulse buyer, and sometimes also gives people way too much money to eat spicy food or something else unpleasant; it drives me insane because I despisE spending money. Video games are another one of his vices. He’s amazing at every game he plays. It’s really just excessive at this point. Pokemon is his childhood and he destroys me on Pokemon Showdown constantly. (I’ve never played a proper pokemon game) He got me into PS, eating in my room, and RWBY, and I introduced him to Be More Chill and Heathers and Hamilton. He can sing really well, which is only further proof that he’s actually an angel. I feel like we have a pretty good balance as friends. He tackles his emotions head-on while I avoid them at all costs. He like to be able to rely on other people and I only want to rely on myself. He only owns one pair of shoes (by choicE) and I love feeling pretty by wearing makeup and outfits I like. He keeps his family out of his social life and I tell mine everything. He’s a wonderful friend and I don’t deserve him at all but I try my best to.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

Yes! My family is wonderful so I got lucky.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

I don’t know. I usually don’t. It was probably Jeremy though.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

Jeremy,,,,,, because he’s my closest friend.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

To an extent. It depends on who they are.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

I haven’t stayed up until 3am probably since I was dating my ex boyfriend, so him.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

Probably tell my mom that I love and appreciate her.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

They wonderful and u n i q u e

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“It is a dangerous thing to unbelieve something only because it frightens you“ - Cheshire Cat in the book “Heartless“ (I just really like it because it’s so consistent with truth and fighting against oneself)

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

I don’t know, maybe something about evolving and getting through thing and becoming better. Maybe “Better” because it also aligns with the OneRepublic song

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

I hate spending money, I’d probably just hold onto it forever

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

I used to be more so, but life isn’t as black and white as it used to be. 

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

Literally 12 year old me was doing fine. She doesn’t need a letter. 14 year old me maybe did.

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

pastel

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

I don’t think I’ll get any more piercing than the ones in my ears now because earrings irritate my ears and it just wouldn’t be worth it. I like the look of tattoos that are slightly darker than the skin, and are on the person’s hands or waist, but I probably won’t get any. I don’t know. People can do whatever they want with their bodies.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

Foundation, eyeliner, mascara, concealer, some highlighter. I just like the look of it.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. 

I don’t know, but TOP is always a good choice for this. I made my Depression Castle in minecraft listening to them.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

I believe in you

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

The only one that made me feel anything was when I saw OneRepublic with my ex boyfriend. He started talking about depression and my hearT.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

I’ve talked about the first person I was in love with, and I’d probably want the letter to be from her because we don’t talk that much now. We’re going to prom in the same group and she’s going to be so gorgeous and I’m going to gravitate to her like I always do and I don’t know. I just want to know that she doesn’t hate me.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

Yes! I’m sentimental as hec and so I have pieces of paper from my friends and small things and sticky notes all over the back. (actually I calligraphied “Riley” and “Katherine” onto sticky notes a while ago to put there because I don’t have anything physical to remind me of you two)

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

Call Jeremy, brush my teeth, floss, I’m probably already in pajamas, take my makeup off, unmake my bed, take my bra off, get into bed, say goodnight, sleeP

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

That I masturbate………. My mom was talking once about how I might not orgasm until I’m in my 20s and that’s ok, and I just kind of laughed. It would probably be fine if I told her but ya know

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

I just redyed it pink today!

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

Jeremy, Marissa(she doesn’t have a tumblr), @parksandrecmeup, @sparklygemsuniverse, and @internet-pringle and honestly I’d go anywhere with them

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

Happiness (it’s what I always wish for at 11:11)

That my future will be wonderful

That the world will improve

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

When I was smol my mom sewed this thick piece of fabric together and we painted and stick feathers to a mask so that I could be Hedwig from Harry Potter. I was so warmmmmmm

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

Never been either because I’m boring

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

Kill someone

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

Song, because I can still go about my normal life and interact with society

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

Twice! The second time was better and softer. I was always smiling and happy, and texted him 24/7. My heart felt like it glowed.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

Nah. I like my hair

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

Hot chocolate because I Avoid starbucks, and anyone can order for me tbh

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

Myself *sunglasses emoji* (I’d say Jeremy but like he doesn’t need my help, my main goal is helping myself)

[segadores-y-soldados]

Death Becomes You

“And now was acknowledged the presence of the Red Death. He had come like a thief in the night. And one by one dropped the revellers in the blood-bedewed halls of their revel, and died each in the despairing posture of his fall. And the life of the ebony clock went out with that of the last of the gay. And the flames of the tripods expired. And Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all.” - Edgar Allan Poe, The Masque of the Red Death

I.  AM.  HYPED.  YA’LL.

OH MAN, THIS IS GONNA BE A BIG ONE - you’ve probably seen me screaming a bunch of disconnected thoughts all day, but I’M READY, I’m ready to put a bunch of the pieces together.

http://segadores-y-soldados.tumblr.com/post/163184670305/yall-keep-saying-that-reaper-is-wearing-a-phantom

If you haven’t seen it, I’d encourage you to give the animated version a try:

https://reader.madefire.com/work/OVERWTACH-DOOMFISTMASQUERADE/read/10

I’m gonna stick with the same formatting as last time, but to reiterate:

http://segadores-y-soldados.tumblr.com/post/162693778075/talon-clawing-to-the-top

A lot of my ideas are connected to this.  I’d recommend reading it because I’m not gonna go over every point again but:

[Main Hypothesis]: the “global conflict” that Doomfist’s faction within Talon has been trying to spread is the Second Omnic Crisis. - [EFFECTIVELY CONFIRMED]

[Subset Hypothesis]: the group within Talon that is trying to prevent this is none other than Sombra and Reaper. - [STRONGLY IMPLIED]

[Masquerade Hypothesis]: the comic “Masquerade” is a reference to “The Masque of the Red Death” by Edgar Allan Poe.

Let’s tango.

The Red Death

To start with, we should probably establish that Reaper’s outfit IS the Red Death.

Reaper’s masquerade outfit seems to be a direct reference to more classic interpretations of the “Renaissance-extravagant costume” that Erik “The Phantom of the Opera” wears when he attends the Opera’s masquerade ball.

It’s not like this is particularly unusual for “Reaper” - after all he has canonically dressed as the Headless Horseman in the past, and has a non-canon “Raven” skin.

The Red Death in The Phantom of the Opera is a reference to the original “character” by the same name in Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Masque of the Red Death.”  You can read the full text here:

http://xroads.virginia.edu/~hyper/poe/masque.html

So no matter how you dice it - whether Reaper is referencing Erik in Phantom, or Poe’s “character” in Masque - the end “reference” is the same: The Red Death.

The Red Death is described as a type of plague that comes to claim lives:

THE "Red Death" had long devastated the country. No pestilence had ever been so fatal, or so hideous. Blood was its Avatar and its seal --the redness and the horror of blood. There were sharp pains, and sudden dizziness, and then profuse bleeding at the pores, with dissolution. The scarlet stains upon the body and especially upon the face of the victim, were the pest ban which shut him out from the aid and from the sympathy of his fellow-men. And the whole seizure, progress and termination of the disease, were the incidents of half an hour.

In the short story, the Red Death eventually comes to Prince Prospero’s masquerade ball, disguised as 

“The figure was tall and gaunt, and shrouded from head to foot in the habiliments of the grave. The mask which concealed the visage was made so nearly to resemble the countenance of a stiffened corpse that the closest scrutiny must have had difficulty in detecting the cheat. And yet all this might have been endured, if not approved, by the mad revellers around. But the mummer had gone so far as to assume the type of the Red Death. His vesture was dabbled in blood --and his broad brow, with all the features of the face, was besprinkled with the scarlet horror.”

But let’s build our cast of characters here.

The Successor: The Prince Who Was Promised

“Akande Ogundimu was born into a well-regarded Nigerian family, heir to its prosthetic-technology company. A highly intelligent and charismatic figure, Ogundimu helped to expand his family's business and position it for the future…” - Doomfist’s biography

“When you come at the king, you better not miss.” - Doomfist, paraphrasing Omar from The Wire

“We really wanted to give [Doomfist] colors that made him feel very powerful like red, gold - and really adorn him with that regal presence.” - Doomfist Hero Preview video

Something that’s important to keep in mind is that Doomfist was originally meant to be a “named legacy” - while aspects of this have remained in the finalized version, some parts have been cut.  Important to Doomfist’s backstory is the fact that he “defeated” his predecessor - Akinjide Adeyemi.

“Akinjide is a Yoruba given name that means ‘the strong one has returned,’ and Adeyemi is a Yoruba surname that means ‘worthy of the crown.’”

The current Doomfist, Akande Ogundimu, quite literally sees himself as “the heir,” to Adeyemi’s legacy, his family’s corporation, and to Talon itself.  He has returned from prison to “reclaim his rightful place” in the council, and begin to truly enact his new war.  You don’t need to look much further beyond than beyond the fact that his title is “The Successor,” but if there were any doubts about it, the above quotes show that this belief has been strongly incorporated into his backstory, his voicelines, and even his design.

However, what’s extremely important to note is that Akande’s “reign” is built entirely on his family’s wealth, his fighting abilities, his tactical mind, and “the prosperity of peace.”

[Implication]: The Ogundimu family’s business - prosthetics - profited after the Crisis due to the sheer amount of veterans and amputees in the world.  Akande himself does not see cybernetics as a weakness, but as a strength that was born entirely from conflict.

As I brought up in the “Talon: Clawing to the Top” essay, war has the ability to drive technological changes through sheer necessity - you have to improve your technology to keep up with your enemy.  And when your enemy is literally armies of killer robots, well, you have to step up your game pretty fast.

“The world changed after the Crisis - it is overdue for a new test.” - Doomfist

Akande genuinely believes that war is the machine that drives human improvements through a sort of “boom and bust” cycle - your technology “booms” (literally) during war, and begins to stagnate (“bust”) during periods of peace.

Here’s the kicker:

He’s not exactly wrong.

It’s well established by things like World War II pulling the United States out of the Great Depression, or the military-industrial complex that war as a facilitator for “human improvements” does happen.  And the Overwatch fictional future has not exactly proven Akande wrong - “archaic” technology like gasoline and oil was replaced with...whatever powers hover cars and fusion cells, Omnic technology is flourishing in places like Numbani, and there’s money to be made in developing brand new battle mechs.

Now, I know - in “Masquerade,” Akande actually states outright that “Profit is not our concern.  You [Vialli] know better.  We aren’t criminals, satisfied by wealth and power.  We know better.”  In fact, the driving conflict between Akande and Vialli in the comic is the dispute over the “purpose” of Talon - if Talon is merely a way for the members of the council to pad their pockets with high-profit crime, or if Talon is going to be a vehicle for something “higher,” something a little more meaningful, the progress of human strength and technology.

My point here isn’t that Akande sees his “wealth” or “reign” in strictly monetary terms, but rather that he sees “strength,” “honor,” and “conflict” as his dominions.

But he is still a prince born of prosperity, not war.

Akande is thinking tactically, but interestingly his concerns aren’t with the world at large but with his “internal kingdom” of Talon.  It is extremely telling that his first thoughts are to “secure funds” for his war - meaning turning to the implied-wealthy “loanshark” Maximilien.  He’s not interested in destroying his “true enemies” at the moment (the Recalled Overwatch agents or Soldier: 76 and Ana), but he’s interesting in “staking his claim” on Talon again.  And that means finding other wealthy allies within Talon.

Literally the first thing Akande does is grab a suit, get some fancy dresses for Widowmaker and Sombra, and step into what appears to be the most opulent casino in Monaco.

[Implications]: Akande is not some sort of folk-hero, a la Lúcio, D.Va, Mei, or even Sombra.  Akande is not particularly humble about his aesthetics, his wealth, or his mindset.  While Akande may genuinely believe that “conflict drives human strength,” his methods are actually spectacularly the opposite - an immediate jump to securing the alliances of those with wealth.

“The tastes of the duke were peculiar. He had a fine eye for colors and effects. He disregarded the decora of mere fashion. His plans were bold and fiery, and his conceptions glowed with barbaric lustre. There are some who would have thought him mad. His followers felt that he was not. It was necessary to hear and see and touch him to be sure that he was not.”

In “The Masque of the Red Death,” Poe describes “Prince Prospero” (literally “The Prosperous Prince”) as being a sort of indomitable regality.  He’s not merely a foolish noble trying to “flee” death - the Prince genuinely believes that he is doing the right thing.

“But the Prince Prospero was happy and dauntless and sagacious. When his dominions were half depopulated, he summoned to his presence a thousand hale and light-hearted friends from among the knights and dames of his court, and with these retired to the deep seclusion of one of his castellated abbeys. This was an extensive and magnificent structure, the creation of the prince's own eccentric yet august taste. A strong and lofty wall girdled it in. This wall had gates of iron. The courtiers, having entered, brought furnaces and massy hammers and welded the bolts. They resolved to leave means neither of ingress or egress to the sudden impulses of despair or of frenzy from within. The abbey was amply provisioned. With such precautions the courtiers might bid defiance to contagion. The external world could take care of itself. In the meantime it was folly to grieve, or to think. The prince had provided all the appliances of pleasure. There were buffoons (Sombra dresses as a Jester), there were improvisatori, there were ballet-dancers (Widowmaker is a ballet dancer), there were musicians (one of Reaper’s skins is Mariachi guitarist), there was Beauty, there was wine. All these and security were within. Without was the ‘Red Death.’”

To the Prince and his followers, he’s making a bold, but brilliant move - he’s securing their futures as the plague of the Red Death takes lives around them.  He’s ready for the “coming war” with the pestilence.

Poe does not directly “diss” on the Prince.  If anything, Poe spends a good deal of time trying to build how beautiful and bizarre the Prince’s world is.  It is a world or revelry, wealth, intrigue, glamor, lights and brilliance.  Nothing ever completely stops the Prince and his guests from their masquerade, not even the ticking of the clock (the “march of time”) itself.  In the “Masquerade” comic, we are treated to a version of Talon that mirrors this, one which is glamorous, gilded, beautiful, and dazzling - the team plays “dress up” not once but twice.

Which brings me to my next point:

A Masked Figure Arrives

In the previous essay, I outlined a few things about Gabriel Reyes/Reaper.  I’m going to repeat them and check off what we now know, or what we can analyze further:

[Confirmed]: At the time of Infiltration, Reaper was aware of Sombra’s intentions to prevent Katya Volskaya’s death and blackmail her.

There is a ton of stuff here to unpack, but hopefully I can do this some justice:

Confirmed - Reaper was aware of Sombra’s interest in blackmailing Katya Volskaya, and basically let her “fail” their infiltration mission explicitly to keep Katya alive.

Confirmed - Reaper was not actually the one who approved the mission, but instead received the orders from Vialli, a Talon council member.  However, Reaper was aware of Vialli’s interests in seeing Katya Volskaya die and deliberately let Sombra undermine them.

Implied - Reaper is aware that Doomfist wanted to keep Katya alive.  In my last essay, I argued that killing Katya would cause the war to “explode.”  I see now that was incorrect - instead of looking at the “short term ways to expand the war,” Doomfist is looking at the “long run”: he’s interested in forcing Russia to “dig in” and fight.  And since we know that an Omnic faction supports Katya’s efforts (Maximilien, perhaps?), it furthers Doomfist’s ideology that war improves human technology.

Implied - Reaper “snitches” on Sombra.  I say it that way because I do genuinely believe that Reaper and Sombra are working together.  Remember - their in-game interactions are canon, according to Michael Chu.

And the most important one:

[Implications]: Reaper was not actually a Talon leader at the time of Infiltration.  Arguably, he is not even a Talon leader right now, as of the above panels.

Before you jump on me, please let me explain the process for this analysis.

As of the very first and second page of the comic, Reaper is little more than a “lackey” who is positioning himself as a “follower” of Doomfist.  Doomfist does not acknowledge Reaper as “a fellow leader” but instead immediately begins demanding “status updates” on missions and objectives.

Seemingly at odds with his own personality, Reaper complies.

The first clue that Reaper is still “just a lackey” is actually in the exchange:

Reaper: We were supposed to kill Katya Volskaya.  We failed.

Doomfist: Whose idea was it, anyways?

Reaper: Vialli.  Some were getting frustrated with how intractable she’s proven to be.

Critically important and actually surprisingly subtle is the fact that Reaper does not actually know who Vialli is.

And just in case it wasn’t clear:

https://twitter.com/westofhouse/status/887827892121423872

If you want to double-check.

And it’s not merely that Reaper “doesn’t manage to see him,” but that when he asks about who the man was, Doomfist’s response is that Reaper does not need to know.

Doomfist is treating Reaper as a lackey/henchman/follower even as Reaper is literally about to follow him to the Talon Council table.

I wouldn’t say that Doomfist has blind faith in Reaper - quite the contrary, he seems to hold Reaper at arm’s length, and he basically doesn’t let Sombra get near him.  He doesn’t trust either of them.  He does trust Widowmaker, and quite literally lets her walk beside him in Monaco.

But anyways, the important part is that Reaper never actually saw Vialli face-to-face.

If Reaper had been on the Talon Council previously, then he would have know who Vialli was.

And yes, that is because we are explicitly shown that every “person” at Talon’s literal business meeting of evil is straight up not covering their faces or concealing their identities.

...Well, all of them except one of course.

[Implications/Hypothesis]: Even if Doomfist knows that Reaper is Gabriel Reyes, he is unaware of the fact that Gabriel actively contributed to the Overwatch mission to stop Null Sector and contain their Uprising.

You probably saw me yelling about this issue this morning but:

Doomfist: That was a missed opportunity, but who would have thought Overwatch would get involved?

Gee, Akande -

Maybe the man standing right next to you.

And before anyone throws that “Gabriel is playing the double-crossing card” stuff around here, the entire interaction here makes it very clear that Gabriel is trying to pull the whole “plausible deniability” card instead.  Jack and Ana show that they’re aware that it was actually Gabriel who “sent McCree to London” to “[investigate] the situation on the ground.”  More importantly, it is through McCree that the three commanders finally get visual confirmations of just how bad and intense Null Sector’s anti-aerial defenses are.

Remember -

The first part of the Uprising mission in-game is shutting down the defenses.

And remember -

The second part of Uprising was specifically led by Commander Reyes.

http://segadores-y-soldados.tumblr.com/post/160297656765/aku-no-homu-here-are-all-of-reyes-voicelines

I’ve seen it suggested that Doomfist may be sarcastic here but the reading of it...doesn’t really seem so.  Doomfist seems genuinely unaware that Reaper - Gabriel Reyes - was involved in the Uprising mission at all.  If anything, Doomfist was banking on the fact that Overwatch would not get involved with Null Sector, and that Null Sector’s “flames of revolution” would spread to other Omnics.

“Omnics will not be kept down forever. The ashes of the Crisis still smolder.” - Doomfist on King’s Row.

And, oh yeah -

[Confirmed]: the “global conflict” that Doomfist’s faction within Talon has been trying to spread is the Second Omnic Crisis.

The evidence is in the above quote, the way he reacts to the “failure” of Null Sector, the way that Maximilien describe the current state of the world:

“War between Omnics and humans seems all but inevitable...thanks in no small part to your friend [Widowmaker] here.” (Also, Maxilimilien being French may be a reference to Maximilien Robespierre, who uh, wasn’t exactly a great guy).

Everything Akande is doing is building the orchestration of the Second Omnic Crisis.

So, it seems very, very at odds that Akande would let “Gabriel Reyes, the man who helped Overwatch prevent the Uprising from spreading,” join Talon unless he was not aware of Gabriel’s involvement.

In my last essay, I argued that Reaper and Sombra were trying to work their way into the upper echelon of Talon to either orchestrate a coup, or destroy the organization from the inside out.

However, I would also posit this:

[Hypothesis]: Reaper and Sombra may know the names of the Talon leaders, but they don’t actually know who they are, and how they all fit together.

In light of the fact that Reaper recognizes Vialli by name and intention, but not by his actual face, it suddenly makes a ton of practical sense that he needs to infiltrate the Talon Council just to actually see everyone.

Furthermore, the fact that the table is mostly empty at the end of the chapter implies that rivals are starting to fall, or not everyone is present (which is why he doesn’t immediately Death Blossom them).

The Reyes’ Send Their Regards

I wrote in my post earlier today, and as I hope I demonstrated earlier in this essay, the leaders of Talon don’t actually understand conflict.  They want it for profit and for advances in human technology and strengths, but they seemingly remain untouched by the conflict currently happening in the world around them.

Doomfist, and at least Maximilien, see conflict as a game to play, a challenge to overcome, another obstacle in moving humanity (and Omnics) forward.  They treat Katya Volskaya, Null Sector, Mondatta, and Overwatch as merely stepping stones to their ultimate goals.  They discuss these topics while literally gambling, or literally indulging in a masquerade.  They organize their “new business ventures for war” in a boardroom - a really sinister-looking boardroom, but a boardroom all the same.

They don’t actually feel sympathy for the players in their game, and while they may understand motives, goals, and emotional ties on an intellectual level, they don’t particularly care about them or for them.  Everything about them is “coldly professional” - Doomfist even shakes Vialli’s hand before literally throwing him off a bridge.

And this is in direct contrast with an entirely different meeting from years ago:

This latter image is of three military commanders trying to make sense of a situation of “extremist” violence, and one of the commanders (Gabriel) even makes an effort to understand and arguably empathize with “the extremists.”

It is telling that many of the lines in the “Masquerade” comic parallel lines said by Gabriel, or implied to have been said by him - but a lot of them are “recontextualized” to be slightly more sinister.

Compared to:

And this one:

Followed by:

As they prepare for war, the leaders of Talon engage in excessive displays of wealth and power, despite claiming that they “don’t actually care for them.”  They lock themselves in fancy boardrooms and orchestrate conflict without actually understanding it.  They say lines that have parallels to Reaper’s, but lack “the humor” behind them (or at least behind the conversational contexts).

In “The Masque of the Red Death,” Poe writes about The Prince’s reaction to “the Red Death masked figure” appearing at his fancy party:

In an assembly of phantasms such as I have painted, it may well be supposed that no ordinary appearance could have excited such sensation. In truth the masquerade license of the night was nearly unlimited; but the figure in question had out-Heroded Herod, and gone beyond the bounds of even the prince's indefinite decorum. There are chords in the hearts of the most reckless which cannot be touched without emotion. Even with the utterly lost, to whom life and death are equally jests, there are matters of which no jest can be made. The whole company, indeed, seemed now deeply to feel that in the costume and bearing of the stranger neither wit nor propriety existed. [...]

When the eyes of Prince Prospero fell upon this spectral image (which with a slow and solemn movement, as if more fully to sustain its role, stalked to and fro among the waltzers) he was seen to be convulsed, in the first moment with a strong shudder either of terror or distaste; but, in the next, his brow reddened with rage.

"Who dares?" he demanded hoarsely of the courtiers who stood near him --"who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? Seize him and unmask him --that we may know whom we have to hang at sunrise, from the battlements!"

The basic “lesson” of “The Masque of the Red Death” is that “death comes for us all,” but a more implied, more “revolutionary” tone is that the Red Death comes to devastate those who think they can hide from death through wealth and fortresses, who think they can mock retribution and play masked games at their whims.  And while Poe never explicitly states how the Red Death actually gets in, he implies that Death comes for the Prince and his friends “in their final hours,” and stems directly from their hubris.

“He bore aloft a drawn dagger, and had approached, in rapid impetuosity, to within three or four feet of the retreating figure, when the latter, having attained the extremity of the velvet apartment, turned suddenly and confronted his pursuer. There was a sharp cry --and the dagger dropped gleaming upon the sable carpet, upon which, instantly afterwards, fell prostrate in death the Prince Prospero. Then, summoning the wild courage of despair, a throng of the revellers at once threw themselves into the black apartment, and, seizing the mummer, whose tall figure stood erect and motionless within the shadow of the ebony clock, gasped in unutterable horror at finding the grave-cerements and corpse-like mask which they handled with so violent a rudeness, untenanted by any tangible form.

And now was acknowledged the presence of the Red Death. He had come like a thief in the night. And one by one dropped the revellers in the blood-bedewed halls of their revel, and died each in the despairing posture of his fall. And the life of the ebony clock went out with that of the last of the gay. And the flames of the tripods expired. And Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all.”

The Prince tries to directly fight the Red Death, but the Red Death claims him as easily “as it got in.”

Blizzard doesn’t even try to hide the fact that Akande is meant to be “royalty” here - he’s wearing a long, decadent purple cape, with purple being a frequent symbol of regality.  He walks confidently past statues of old lords and kings.

And he is the one who invites the Red Death inside.

This could very well be the first time Reaper has ever joined the council.

But it doesn’t matter how long it took him - after all, the Red Death in Poe’s story took several months to “get inside,” and even then, it took several hours until the clock struck midnight to “truly arrive.”

But it got in.

Death is patient. (He had come like a thief in the night.)

Death is calm. (With deliberate and stately step)

Death is calculating. (And the flames of the tripods expired.)

Death is powerful. (The Red Death held illimitable dominion over all.)

And in the end

Death is the only one still wearing his mask.

Masquerade: a false show or pretense; the wearing of disguise; a masked ball

Death leaves no one behind.

Not even those who think themselves above him.

Death hides himself among the masqueraders - 

And bides his time.

[ewinglogan93]

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[clericallis-blog]

1 9 14 17 for the mun on the muse!

questions for the mun, regarding the muse.

1. What makes you the most emotional about your muse?

The fact that Libra believes  himself to be born evil, so that he desperately tries to be ‘good’ by becoming an absolute follower of the faith. He fears that if he stopped being ‘good’ and ‘kind’, and satisfies himself with his own desires, he’ll turn down the path of evil one day. Although Libra genuinely confused himself between the definition of being truly ‘good’ or ‘evil’, Libra is still mentally conscious about what action should be taken upon certain times. In many moments he advises people and guides them, or even suggesting ideas that appears to be quite helpful, is the significant proof that Libra is not absolutely blind to the faith. He sees being a priest as a ‘cage’ to contain the ‘evil’ in him, to keep himself in check so that he is at the very least, still sane.

9. Do you enjoy putting your muse through angst? What do you think would break their heart the most?

It dependsssss. Sometimes I do, sometimes the angst is unnecessarily depressing and seemed like it’s only inserted for the drama and the pain, which in such cases I prefer not to. Most of my threads are guide through by the muse, so if I try to force anything inside them, it diminishes the quality as well as the overall enjoyment of liberty.

As for breaking Libra’s heart. Well, seeing his parents again, in various conditions, is enough to smash his heart into a thousand other pieces, especially when they still deny him the reason of why he was discarded and dismissed. That question is a knot in him that appears to be ever lasting.

14. How would you describe your muse to someone about to meet them, in person, for the first time?

Well, Libra appears to be stoic, flat, and unemotional. But in truth he’s not. I’d say he’s the kind of guy who would guide you through a deep flowing river through stepping stones, occasionally be there to hold you if you slip and almost fell. Because Libra is tall enough and could stand against the currents, while you, on the other hand, could not. His limits to help someone knows no boundaries, as long as it’s something feasible by his hands.

17. Why do you think you connect to your muse?

In all honesty, nothing significant, lol! Libra and I are very different people. I suppose you can say that we’re both very independent, have very few close friends. Most of the time, people considers themselves close to us, but we both have issues relating the same level of closeness to most of them; I suppose Libra has none, and I have roughly … 5-7 people in RL and on the internet combined that we feel like family with. We’re both optimists and we’re in a stable and good mood most of the time. It’s difficult to annoy us both. And we’re not people that proved difficult to befriend ( for anyone who gives me a good enough vibe when they hit the IMs / inbox is enough to seal that friendship bond! ). We’re both also very good at keeping ourselves in-check, but Libra may be the more skilled one in this matter. I often have personality inconsistencies depending on my mood, lmao. Sometimes you’d see me high and energetic, sometimes I’m just polite and quiet. The former probably because I just returned from parties or gatherings. xD