Tumgik
#I’ll add the readmore when I get home so i can make sure tumblr won’t eat my post like LAST TIME
unpopularbunny · 1 year
Text
This lowkey been a long time coming if I’m being honest. I am also a massive fucking hypocrite because I will avoid Baku/kiri/reader fics but this??? This right here??? 🙇‍♀️ I’m on the floor baby. (Ngl this has like a pinch of body shaming in it, just wanna preface by saying I do not hate any specific group of people based on any physical trait they may have. I just want more love for big girlies.)
Pairing: chifuyu/reader/baji
You already know: reader is a fat girl!!!!! everyone’s an adult, no set timeline, fuck it we ball 🏀, paranormal slutivity, your fave mans is a whore, public shenanigans, reader lowkey under the influence but there’s no dub/noncon, no beta reader again so if u point out any flaws ur being mean to me and if ur mean to me I’ll die, reblogs make u SO big brained 🗿🗿
Minors: ur mama know what you doin? I’m telling 💥
A/n: I’ll add a readmore when i get home and can make sure tumblr wont eat my post when I do.
🌹🌷🌹
you just wanted to be different for once. To ignore years of mass media telling you how to dress, to feel wild and FREE. you wanted tight revealing clothes and makeup all over your face, you wanted men to jaw drop and double take at the sight of your hips swaying.
This fantasy never got far and you never predicted you’d end up between two friends who always shared in the name of brotherly camaraderie.
Leeeets take it back about a week.
You weren’t by any means conservative in your day by day fashion, you just didn’t dress how you truly wanted to. You were always worried about the stares you’d get, stares that dared to ask ‘does she know she’s embarrassing herself?’. As time went on the urge to free yourself from the confines of stretchy jeans and sweaters was too much to ignore any longer. All it took was one night of drinking at home for you to blow nearly half a paycheck on clothes that were one inch away from getting you in legal trouble. You felt justified in this, it was your turn damnit!!! You were tired of hours doom scrolling on your phone and watching all the pretty skinny girls be drowned in affection, you wanted to make people notice you. You wanted to make men think about you as you walked passed, you deserved attention and people to fawn over you.
Needless to say, the next day you realized how fucking delusional your thinking was the night before.
You nursed a headache all through the day and when you got home you were greeted by your roommate in the livingroom looking like the cat that caught the mouse. Next to her on the couch was a plastic package, she shook it at you wiggling her eyebrows and you snatched it from her before she could even ask and shuffled to your room. You could hear her cackling. It’s not like you had any kind of bad blood with your roommate, you two were actually childhood friends, you just didn’t want anyone to see your secrets.
You showered and stood in your room, staring at the package on your bed before deciding fuck it and ripping it open. You couldn’t even remember what all you ordered anyway. Most of the articles of clothing were black, save for some racy sets of underwear you thought looked cute. You refused to believe any of it could fit you, it seemed so….small. There was no way in hell you were going to give up now though, you spent all that fucking money so there was no reason not to try the clothes on.
A mistake really.
They fit you far too good.
Sure, it was tight, but not uncomfortably so, in fact the tightness felt comforting in a way? The tops hugged your curves and even though your tummy peaked out at the bottom, you thought it looked cute in a way. The skirts wouldn’t stay down, rolling up your ass when you paced your room, you’d definitely have to wear a jacket with those. The pants needed belts, your waist to hip ratio was too different for them to stay up. They felt tigh and constricting on your hips and thighs, but there was plenty of waist room. After posing a bit in your mirror you sort of lost yourself for a bit. Falling in love with your curves and admiring how your body had so many wonderful attributes.
You almost screamed when someone’s knocked on the door.
You failed to lock it and it was your downfall.
Your roommate was all gasps and awes’ at your state. She paced around you like a tiger and assaulted you with compliments, no matter how you tried to shush her and make excuses, she wouldn’t hear it. She made you re-try on all the clothes so she could see them all. It felt like you were back to school shopping with your mom, except this time she wasn’t forcing you into bullshit khakis and polos. It actually turned into a bunch of fun as she gave you tips for accessorizing and hair styling.
When all was calmed down and you two were on the couch she took your weakness and vulnerability as a chance to strike like the snake she is.
She insisted you two go out this weekend!
You couldn’t even shoot her down, she had just spent the last hour boosting your ego and self esteem that you mumbled out a small ‘I guess’. She clapped her hands in glee and started firing off names of bars and clubs and she got the same responses from you every time ‘you pick’ and ‘I’ve never been there before.’ The most you told her is that you wanted to go somewhere you wouldn’t be recognized by coworkers or other friends and colleagues.
She just threw her head back and laughed, saying that you wouldn’t be recognizable with those clothes on anyway.
You couldn’t help but feel a little paranoid about what she had in store for you.
🌹 🌷 🌹
The week went by too fast for your liking and every time you tried to back out of the plans you were strongarmed by your roommate. She wasn’t going to let you go that easy. When Saturday arrived you tried avoiding her, but she was more determined than you’ve ever seen her.
You gave in and let her do with you as she pleased.
She picked out your outfit from the new clothes you bought and dug around your closet for some platforms you’d bought years ago but never worn (amazingly they still fit regardless of your calves.). She styled your hair and even did your makeup (you still got to pick the colors (: ), you felt like a sacrifice being painted up before the ritual.
How close to this assumption you were.
The club she dragged you two was some hole in the wall in shibuya with low lights and loud music. You were sweating before you even went in and it was only hotter once you two were inside. You could feel the bass shoot through your entire body and you felt so nervous and couldn’t look anywhere but the floor. Your friend ordered you both a few drinks, or rather ‘liquid courage’ she dubbed it. You were thankful for it, seeing as after a few drinks you felt much more comfortable in your skin than before. Your friend excused herself to the bathroom and you smiled and waved her off as she went, taking a few more sips of whatever new fruit concoction was in front of you.
After a few moments you were occupied on both sides by two new people. You glanced to your right and had to look up to see the man, Jesus Christ, even with platforms on he still had a few inches on you. He had long silky black hair, brown eyes, and a smile so sinister you would normally feel scared. You smiled right back and when you glanced to your left you were a few inches taller than other man. This man had short cut black hair, the cutest green eyes you’d ever seen, and ear piercings. Speaking of ears, the tips of his seemed to be tinted a little….pink?
You weren’t sure what to do now that men approached you first so you went back to looking down at your drink and sipping at it. You were a little hunched over and caught bits and pieces of the men having a conversation over your head. ‘You like this one?’ ‘Baji don’t objectify women like that, its kinda gross.’ ‘I’m just trying to help is all’ His laugh caught you off guard and you jumped.
“Eh? What’s wrong girlie? Did we scare you?” You glanced to your right and..baji? Was leaning down into your personal space. When you leaned back you were leaning into his friend, who didn’t exactly seem to hate your body pressing into his.
“No- you’re just a little…close is all” you were surprised anyone could hear you over the music.
“C’mon baji let’s le-“ baji waved his hand and chifuyu stopped.
“Wanna dance with us?” He was pressing himself against your side, his hand gliding up your thigh towards your hips. He laughed at the confused face you responded with, “yeah girlie, both of us, unless that ain’t your type thing. I just assumed on account of how you dressin and all.” You couldn’t tell if your face was hot from being drunk or the embarrassment.
You should feel outraged at the fact that he assumed you were a loose woman but…..was that such a bad thing? You wanted to feel desired, you wanted to be lusted after, and it was happening. He wasn’t using force, in fact his hand was merely resting at the small of your back rubbing small circles. You were still in a public place so it’s not as if he could do anything to you, you didn’t dress up to weigh the pros and cons. You downed the rest of your fruity drink and nodded, relinquishing yourself to whatever ungodly fate awaited you.
“Atta girl,” He took one hand while his friend took your other and gently led you away from the bar, “we’re gonna have so much fun with you tonight sweetie.” It was like micro-dosing danger. Every smile and laugh having some sinister undertone.
But god was it fun.
🌹 🌷 🌹
You got the hang of dancing in clubs a few years ago, it wasn’t hard, it didn’t take any special skill. You just needed to know what to do with your hips and hands.
Which you were currently struggling to do.
You’d danced with other men before, but mostly one at a time, never quite….like this.
You had your back against baji, his hands were on your hips to guide you. He was guiding you to sway against him, every so often pressing his hardon against your ass. one of your arms were up and behind you, wrapped around his neck to keep him close. Your other arm was front of you, draped over the shoulder of his more reserved friend (who you still had to get a name from), whom was doing things that contradicted the cool demeanor he gave off. He was pressed as close as he could be, his pelvis pushed against yours so you got a good idea of the fun he was having. Even if he didn’t do the best job of showing it. He was so close his nose would brush yours every so often and you expected him to kiss, but he didn’t. His hands were at your waist, holding a little tighter than expected, as if he were giving your exposed flesh squeezes here and there.
Something about this felt so shamelessly erotic.
You were so wrapped up that you didn’t give a thought to your friend who had gone to the bathroom, she probably had seen you by now and didn’t want to interrupt. You felt so transfixed on the green eyes infront of you and the hands sliding down your waist to your thighs and pulling up the edges of your skirt-
“Shhh don’t make a scene-“ you had seized up but Baji’s guiding hands kept you moving, “you like this don’t you?” It was his friend, his voice was much firmer, “That’s why you’re here, like this, between us. You want it.” His hand was under your skirt and sliding up up up. So fucking slow that you shifted just to get his hand between your legs faster. Just as his fingers brushed the forming wet spot on your panties, you could hear baji laugh against your neck on the other side of you.
“How the fuck are you so good at spotting the good ones chifuyu” was that his name? A man had his fingers pressed against your clit and you’re just now learning his name?
“Eh? What do you mean so good?” He shot back, his hand was in your panties, rubbing and petting at your clit while having a normal conversation as if you weren’t between them.
“Look at her!” You moaned and grinded against chifuyus hand, doing your best to make them focus on you again, “Perfect size to split between us and such a cute cheeks!” One of baji’s hands came up and pinched your cheek for emphasis.
“Do you honestly believe that every decision i make is backed by some deep analysis?” He laughed, “I guessed!” You arched as two fingers slid inside of you and curled, any noise you made was cut off by chifuyu kissing you. His kiss was desperate. The fingers inside you moved, slowly and carefully- god his tongue was inside your mouth now and you were suffocating but your head was absolutely floating. It was just so hard to keep focus on your surroundings. So many sensations- you could feel slick beginning to coat your thighs as his hand moved faster and you got sloppier. When he pulled away your lipstick was smeared on his mouth and there was a hazy look in his eyes. He buried his face against your neck on one side and baji was on the other. Chifuyu hand was between your legs and one of bajis hands had found it’s way under your shirt and was giving your nipple an unforgiving pull and twist. You three were pressed so close together that no one could really figure out what was happening, not that anyone was going to stop it.
They owned the bar after all.
Chifuyu tilted his hand and when his thumb brushed your clit your legs wobbled and baji had to focus on keeping you upright against him. Chifuyu smiled and laughed, the first you’d seen tonight, and you felt embarassed all over again.
“Hey! Don’t go falling apart on us sweet heart, we aren’t even close to being done with you yet.” Baji was encouraging you and the whine you let out only encouraged him tenfold.
Rather than fight against the waves and risk drowning, you went with the flow and closed your eyes and relaxed into them. You’d never had such a lavish experience of having two pretty boys give you attention like this. It was way past overstimulating but not in a bad way, you’d worry about that in the morning. Right now you your moans were escalating with the music. When said music began to dip but your voice didn’t follow suit, one of bajis hands wrapped tightly around your mouth while chifuyu increased pace.
“Thaaats it,” chifuyu whispered into your neck, “Make a mess for me.”
“You might wanna hold on tight girlie,” Baji mocked, “He overachieves.” You moved your arms so both of them were wrapped around chifuyu.
You had never been more thankful for loud ass music more than now. Had it not been for whatever club mix was on, everyone would hear the sloppy wet lewd noises of the three fingers that were buried inside of you. Any words or pleas you voiced were muffled and baji took on the sole responsibility of holding you up while chifuyu gladly drove you to climax.
They were both so goddamn obscene in their own right. Not only did they casually whisper conversation to eachother about all the wonderful things you three could get up to together, but they each had individual plans for you. Baji wanted to try having you all to himself for a day to see what other kinds of clothes he could put you in and then rip off of you. Chifuyu mentioned something about ‘giving support’ under his desk while he had stressful days at work. Baji definitely agreed with that and had the fucking drive to ask what you felt like inside.
“Inside? Like heaven.” Chifuyu made it sound like a sin, “She’s so slippery and soft.” Stop stop stop! “What about her mouth?” As if on unspoken command, baji shoved two fingers right into your mouth and pet at your tongue. You drooled so easily and licked without hesitation.
“She’s already drooling,” He shoved his fingers deeper, he did it so fast you gaged and coughed, “Gag reflex? We can fix that sweetheart.” Danger alarms began to fire off in your head, unfortunately they went ignored in lieu of the heat in your lower stomach. You were so close and desperate you just let them carry on, anything to keep the fingers inside of you.
Your whole body seized up when you came and you were truly astonished you didn’t blackout completely. They laughed in amazement at the sight of your eyes rolling back and the way you arched. You were putty in their hands, laying limp back against baji but still holding onto chifuyu.
Maybe going out wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
66 notes · View notes
averykedavra · 4 years
Text
Tumblr media
@deceitnotyeet I’m sorry for the mixup, Tumblr still manages to confuse me after three months. Does anyone know whether you can add a readmore to an ask? I didn’t think that would be a problem but then the post got super long...sorry, technology is not my strong suit.
Anyway. Thanks for prompting me! This was a lot of fun to write. I don’t usually write this ship, so apologies if it seems out of character, and apologies for making it way longer than I expected. I tried to write a fluffy drabble and then feelings happened. I’m so sorry for the confusion and lateness if you got this alert twice or not at all.
Word count: 1732
Warnings: some self-deprecation and insecurity, talk of explosions, mutilation, and death (in a joking fashion, nothing serious.)
I’m always open to prompts! You can find this story on Ao3 here.
The moment Janus knew he was in trouble was the moment Remus opened his mouth and said “I have an idea.”
Janus pushed himself away from his desk and stood up. “I’ll get the fire extinguisher.”
“Hey!" Remus protested. "You haven't even heard the idea yet!"
"I don't need to." Janus folded his arms. "The last time you said that, we almost incinerated a preschool."
"It's not my fault crayons are so flammable!"
"They...really aren't. I'm still not sure how you accomplished that."
Remus gave a shrug and grinned wider.
"Whatever you're planning to do," Janus continued, "it's probably dangerous, reckless, and illegal."
"Well, duh, it wouldn't be any fun otherwise!"
Janus sighed. "You're not doing it."
"Aww, come on!" Remus stuck out his bottom lip. "Pwease, JayJay? I promise nobody will get hurt!"
"What's the idea, then?"
Remus bit his lip. "Blow up stuff with dry ice?"
Janus narrowed his eyes. "What."
"I bought some last week!" Remus explained. "You can get some for like ten bucks on eBay, it's awesome—"
"What."
"'Cause I saw this video where they exploded a huge iron crate with dry ice, like a dry ice bomb, and they said not to try it at home so I figured I could do it in a Walmart parking lot or something—"
"What?"
"And the dry ice arrived yesterday and I don't have anything to do and can I please blow something up?"
“Remus,” Janus spluttered, “that’s incredibly illegal!”
“Not that illegal.” Remus ran his hand through his hair. "Anyway, you're all about sticking it to the man, right?"
"I'd much rather put my time and effort into a systematic dismantling of the current governmental hierarchy than setting off dry ice bombs in a parking lot."
"Party pooper," Remus complained. "You don't have to come or anything."
Janus rolled his eyes. "I'm not letting you go alone and set off dry ice bombs in a parking lot!"
Remus grinned. "So you're coming with?"
"No, I'm keeping you captive." Janus grabbed Remus' wrist. "You're going to sit right here and I'm going to go get that dry ice and throw it out."
"You can't just throw out dry ice," Remus pointed out. "Unless you want to destroy the trash can. Wait—hey, can we throw out the dry ice?"
"No!" Janus tried to stop himself from laughing. "I'll Google how you get rid of dry ice. I'm sure there's a safe way."
"Google it, then." Remus' eyes sparkled. "Now."
Janus pulled out his phone and Googled 'getting rid of dry ice.' "Wait, there's a WikiHow for this?"
"There's a WikiHow for everything."
"True." Janus scrolled through the page. "Okay, so we just have to let it sublimate. Stick it in a warm room and let it evaporate for a few days."
"A few days?" Remus looked around. "Where would we put it, the kitchen?"
"Why don't you figure that out?" Janus snapped. "It's not like I was the one who brought a packet of dry ice into our apartment.”
“Rude!” Remus smiled. “Hey, if we just explode it, we’ll be rid of it in seconds.”
“Yeah, along with our arms.”
“Who needs arms anyway?” Remus poked at his elbow. “Mine are always getting in the way. They’re nice and bendy, but I’ve always wanted to learn how to write with my toes. Losing my arms in an explosion could be a learning opportunity. Then again,” he added, flexing his nonexistent muscles, “depriving you of these lovely specimens would definitely be a crime.”
Janus tried to stifle his laughter. “So is exploding stuff in a parking lot, in case you didn’t know.”
“I won’t do it in a parking lot, then.” Remus clasped his hands together. “JayJay, please. Boyfriends are supposed to support each other!”
“Uh-uh. You’re on your own. You can go get yourself killed, and when you die, I’ll write you an obituary.” Janus flopped onto the couch and deftly flipped up his laptop. He began to type, reading aloud as he wrote.
“This is written in honor of Remus Prince, recently deceased. He, like the idiot he is, decided to explode dry ice in an unknown location. His brain got blown to itty-bitty pieces and he is now dead. He is survived by a twin brother, a beleaguered boyfriend, and the several rats who seem to regard him as their king.” Remus cackled. “His boyfriend, who is very handsome and intelligent and deserves better, seemed grieved by the news. ‘I loved him deeply,’ said the boyfriend, ‘but he has no braincells and this was bound to happen eventually. At least he won’t leave dishes in the sink unwashed anymore.’“
Remus collapsed onto the floor, roaring with laughter. Janus chuckled too. It was easy to make Remus laugh, but it still made him feel warm and snuggly and other things he would never admit to if his life depended on it.
"Flowers can be delivered to their apartment,” Janus concluded. “Please send corpse lilies, for the smell is quite similar to the deceased’s farts and reminds his boyfriend of the good times.”
“M-my farts are the good times?”
“All the times would be the good times if you were deceased,” Janus said. “Except for the time you tied spaghetti noodles to the ceiling fan. That would still be a bad time.”
Then Remus abruptly stopped laughing. Confused, Janus closed his laptop and peeked at his boyfriend. Remus was lying on the ground, a mess of curls around his head, eyes wide.
“What is it?” Janus asked.
Remus blinked a few times. “You said you love me.”
“I—what?” Janus mentally rewound their conversation. “I don’t think I—“
‘I loved him deeply,’ said the boyfriend.
“Oh,” Janus said weakly.
“Yeah,” Remus agreed.
“Well, I do,” Janus said. “You know that. We’ve been dating for a year, did you think I hated your guts?”
“No,” Remus said. “I just—you never said it before. Out loud.”
“I suppose I didn’t.” Janus frowned. “Didn’t you...realize? I thought you knew.”
“I knew,” Remus said unconvincingly.
Janus pursed his lips. “Really.”
“Yeah! I know you love me!” Remus shrugged, still on the floor. “I just...I dunno. Think too much sometimes.”
After a moment of hesitation, Janus slipped off the couch and lay on the floor next to his boyfriend. He rested his hand on Remus’, and after a moment, Remus took it.
“I’m sorry,” Janus mumbled.
“What?” Remus looked insulted. “Why?”
“Because...” Janus looked over at his demented, ludicrous, wonderful boyfriend. “Because if I’d known, I would have told you way before now.”
“You don’t have to do anything,” Remus muttered. “I’m just being insecure and shit, don’t—“
“I don’t have to do anything,” Janus agreed. “But I want to. If you doubt that I love you, I want to prove you wrong.”
“You don’t—” Remus shifted on the carpet, avoiding Janus’ eyes. “I mean, you don’t have to—“
“Are you interfering with my life plans?” Janus teased. “Because we agreed we wouldn’t interfere with each other’s life plans.”
Remus chuckled a little bit, which Janus counted as a victory. “Yeah, but you still stop me from blowing shit up.”
“Because I love you,” Janus said. “And because I wouldn’t want you dead or in jail. Because I love you.”
Remus rolled his eyes. “I get it, JayJay.”
“Do you?” Janus asked. “It’s come to my attention that, in fact, you don’t understand that I love you. So...”
“So?”
“I love you, Remus Prince.” Janus grasped Remus’ chin and pulled his face around until he was staring into his eyes. “I love the way you laugh at everything I say even when it’s not funny. I love the way you fall asleep on my shoulder when we watch weird animal documentaries together. I love how you helped me practice my debating skills by giving me random phrases to explain logically. Every part of you that you’re insecure about, that you think is weird or imperfect or stupid?” Janus ran his thumb under Remus’ eye. “I don’t love you in spite of those. I love you because of them. I love you so much, Remus, and I’m furious with myself for not letting you know sooner.”
And Remus, who knew every swear word in the English language, regularly walked around the apartment naked because it was “freeing,” and made more sexual innuendos than Janus thought humanly possible...Remus blushed. Deeply. He giggled and tried to hide his face in Janus’ chest, ears flaming red.
Janus immediately decided his life’s mission was to make Remus blush more often.
“I-I love you too,” Remus mumbled into Janus’ shirt.
Janus chuckled and placed a kiss on Remus’ head. “I already knew that. But thank you.”
Remus looked up, smiled, and kissed him.
It wasn’t how anyone would expect Remus to kiss, not heated or sloppy. Simple and sweet and thankful. Janus cupped Remus’ cheeks and kissed him back. It was a practiced motion. He knew Remus inside and out, he knew the exact way Remus tilted his head into the kiss, the exact texture of his hair and the exact place where his cheeks puckered with dimples. But it didn’t make it any less wonderful. It was safe and reliable and felt like home.
“Don’t you have work to do?” Remus asked when the kissing stopped, cuddled into Janus’ chest, their legs tangled on the floor.
“It can wait.” Janus smirked. “It’s come to my attention that a certain boyfriend of mine is planning to blow some dry ice up in a parking lot. As a concerned citizen, it’s my duty to stop him any way I can.”
Remus grinned. “How will you stop me, exactly?”
“You can’t go blow things up if you can’t move.” Janus pulled Remus closer, wrapping an arm around his back. “So I must keep you with me as my prisoner. For the sake of civilization.”
“Civilization’s the only reason you’re doing it?”
“Absolutely,” Janus agreed. “In fact, maybe we can get some pillows and have a matinee session. It wouldn’t be good for my prisoner to get bored.”
Remus laughed, his green eyes sparkling. “You’re a weakling, I could escape anytime.”
“But do you want to?” Janus asked, reaching out and running his hands through Remus’ hair.
Remus buried his face in Janus’ shoulder, mumbling something that sounded like “Cheating.”
Janus smiled softly.
“Love you too.”
97 notes · View notes
Photo
Tumblr media
//*pokes head slightly out of shadows*
I’m still around. Just.... A lot has gone on and I won’t bore you all with all of it unless you want to know some more details that I’ll stick under a readmore.
TL;DR: I got overwhelmed as fuck, my mental and physical health took a sharp dive and I’m still trying to pick up all the pieces, but part of my healing and goals is to return to what I love doing the most... Writing. So, that means I’m coming back, but ask you please take it easy on me for a bit as far as replies etc.
So, I thought that I found the career that was the one for me and that I loved what I do so much that I wanted to go to school to learn more and how to do it better and do more. I took a huge step and applied for and entered college. I thought, hey ya know what? I was pretty good at this school shit when I was in highschool like 15 years ago, I can take 3 classes and work a full time job easy peasy. I also thought that I had effectively dealt with past traumas and was starting to get my mental health back on control.
LOL WRONG.
My job started increasingly becoming worse and worse and more and more of an extremely toxic environment. Moreso than perhaps any other job I have had an no amount of speaking to HR or my manager is going to change that. The company values product and it’s seniority more than its growing employee base. Unless you have been there 10-40+ years like most of the people that I work with, then you are replaceable and mean nothing to them. The others can get away with anything and everything just because they’ve been there. Basically? I get bullied and pushed around and treated like dirt by a bunch of 60-70 year old bitchy women. It. Is. Miserable.
During all this work stress bullshit, I started school. I was in a constant state of beyond exhaustion. Some days I was in school from 8am-2pm and worked from 3pm-11pm. I barely had time to think let alone to do self care or even homework and study. So, I began failing a class for the first time since middle school. My self-esteem took a near fatal hit and my mental state was hanging on by a very short thread.
The next thing I knew, I was at work on the 4th anniversary of the day I had been robbed at knifepoint and had my supervisor making jokes about how I would never have enough PTO to get the surgery I need for my hands, then coming out and telling me I fucked something up and then another coworker telling me I fucked something else up. I couldn’t take it. I don’t know what came over me exactly, but it was like I was so angry and so upset that I disconnected from my own body. I remember crinkling up a document and slamming it into the bin where it belonged as I walked out of the lab and promptly found a desk that I slid underneath. Within seconds I was gasping for air and sobbing uncontrollably. Before I could even think, my fingers were at my face and I was clawing at my face over and over. I would have kept going until I shredded the skin off my face if it hadn’t been for a thought and voice inside my head of my therapist telling me if I needed him or needed any help I could call at any time. So... with shaking hands, and through uncontrollable sobs under a fucking desk, I reached out for help.
Eventually, a coworker came and found me as I was on the phone with my therapist who was getting me to leave work and consider heading to the hospital. Even then that was something I didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to admit I was that far gone. I didn’t want to admit I was that scared of myself and I had lost that much control. I had never felt this before. My coworker tried to calm me and offer help by telling her everything was going to be okay and I was just having a bad day until I pretty much just screamed, and I do mean scream, that I wanted to kill myself and I wanted to die. This scared the shit out of me and embarrassed the fuck out of me because now these people that treat me like shit day in and day out have another reason to hate me and make fun of me. Now they could call me crazy.
Long story short, my coworker took me home where I continued my mental breakdown, but kept insisting that I didn’t need to go to the hospital. It wasn’t until I had an emergency session with my therapist the next morning and as I was in the waiting room I began rocking back and forth and crying. Before I knew it, a woman who was waiting there with her husband wordless got up from her seat and sat down next to me. This woman that I didn’t even know, still don’t even know her name, was seated next to me and wrapped her arms around me. She didn’t tell me things like “oh it’s just a bad day” or dismiss what I was feeling. No. She let me cry and she held onto me and told me that it was okay... That this will pass. That she knows this is hard and it hurts, but that it will pass. This woman I didn’t even know asked if she could pray for me and when she did her husband joined. They prayed for me. Even if I am not religious, her actions... Every single one of her actions... Fucking saved me that day. It was the single kindest thing that had ever been done for me in my life. 
I cried more and more and lost my control. The more I cried and the more I lost myself the more scared I got. I somehow managed to have a complete and total mental breakdown, face scratching and all, in my therapist office. I knew then that I wasn’t getting out of going to the hospital. They called my fiancee and as I left the office that day, still crying, I hugged that woman again with everything I had and I thanked her. She whispered to me that I would be okay and this would pass. 
I had to keep clinging to her words. Had it not been for the presence of my fiancee with me the entire time (which I still feel so horrible for because I never wanted to make her have to go through something like that or to add that much more stress on her) was about the only thing that got me through the most grueling 7 hours of my life. Nothing could have prepared me for being in a locked ward and feeling like I was this dangerous, insane monster that needed guarded. Nothing but awful yellowish walls to stare at and the sounds of someone else in the next room screaming that she was going to kill herself if she didn’t get her meds. I made a promise to myself then that I would do ANYTHING to make sure I didn’t wind up there in that room ever again.
After 7 hours, I was referred to an Intensive Outpatient Program that I’ll be attending 3-4 days a week for 3 hours for the next 4-6 weeks. That alone scared the shit out of me. I had no idea what to expect. But, somehow, it wound up being something I didn’t even know I needed so much. 
It’s hard and some days certainly are much better than others... My emotions are all over the place and it’s still a struggle, but ultimately? That woman in the waiting was right. This is hard, but I’m going to be okay. It’s not easy, but this will pass. It’s going to take time. Pain. Tears and work, but I’ll be okay eventually. 
So, I realized in all of this that giving up writing and being here on tumblr... a space that I had used for the last 7 years as my happy escape... Was not going to work. Somehow, I will find ways to still be here and to still write. I know it seems like maybe given the circumstances you would think I wouldn’t want to write Arthur/Joker, but it’s quite the opposite actually. I am well aware that killing is never the answer and that things didn’t turn out so great for him, but in his story I do see glimpses of hope even for me. I find strength there and strength is what I need right now. 
So... that’s what’s been going on. 
I’m not looking for pity or attention. Not at all. I just wanted to be able to get it out for the first time since it’s all gone on. I wanted to be able to write it down and I did.
Now... I’ll be posting some starter calls etc. I will ease back into those and all memes and any replies I owe. Forgive me if I am slow and nudge me if I am forgetting anyone or anything and certainly nudge me if you would like to plot etc. 
I have spring break this week, but a really close friend is coming to visit from out of state so I am spending time with him and my fiancee when not in treatment. I’ll be here when I can and even after I return to school etc, 
Thank you all for your patience and understanding. 
<3 J
1 note · View note