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of-daydreams-and-demons · 2 years

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disclaimer: the first line is shamefully stolen from a JT machinima Fallout 4 song, I am not apologising (but giving credit where it's due. I like the line)

*radio static* “I don’t wanna set the world on fire… Just wanna start a flame in your heart…”

***

“Darling” I say softly “do you think there are people that deserve to die?”...

***

“...leader found dea… in disorder… all military gear shredded…” The radio goes on.

“W… was that you? Yesterday evening, I said that… that people who wage war deserve to die… because they want others to die…”

“wait for it” I lean back, a little smugly.

“...that concludes the news”

“Hmm I guess no country would admit their nuclear arsenal was destroyed, eh”

“How- Why- how do you know this?” her voice sounds more worried “please… I am scared”

“We’re terrible gods, aren’t we?” I look at her melancholically “I always could have… I just never knew how… I am scared of what I am…” why did I say it like that? Am I this crap at conveying feelings? Why did I have to be smug? People died. Again. I… what am I doing, but breaking it all. Again. All over. I don’t… I don’t want it to burn again. It hurts.

“You’re saying you are a goddess? You’re saying you could have fixed this broken world the whole time? Why now? Why only now do you decide to do so?” she sobbingly interjects and bursts into tears, ripping me out of my downward spiral.

I cradle her in my arms until she falls asleep. We both know it would be pointless to argue now. My beautiful girlfriend. I… I just hope she will understand. I just hope she can understand… I- what is there to understand? I am just a monster. I kill. I destroy. I use my powers out of pure selfishness. Just now, I was close to turning back time… to never asking her… again just abusing everything… so selfish. So selfish… stop. I must stop these thoughts. Clear my head. Tomorrow we can… we… whatever happens tomorrow happens. I can’t keep running. Not again.

I look at her face, currently resting on my lap. So peaceful. Why did I have to destroy that peace? I brush a strand of hair out of her face and give her a kiss on the forehead. “I am sorry… for everything… for troubling you… tomorrow I will explain it all…” with that, I snake my way off the sofa to scoop her up and carry her to the bed. She seems to have woken up a little, because she sleepdrunkenly placed her hand in mine when I joined her under the blanket.

“...whatever… you’ll always be my girlfriend to me” she mumbled. Probably a dream… either way, a wave of relief flows through my body and I melt completely. This one little sentence of hers. It took so many worries away. She turns towards me and kisses me. So she was awake… Did she read my thoughts? “Babe… don’t worry. We’ll talk tomorrow about it. But first, I want you to sleep without breaking your head over this” Her words are as soft as her lips just were. I nuzzle her and mumble a goodnight before my eyes fall shut.

***

“My craft… my craft is death. That’s what I meant with my question the other day… that’s why I am scared of what I am. If I were to ask myself… “who deserves to die?” I’m not sure what I fear more. An echo… or an answer.

I can’t trust myself. I am a monster. I can only destroy. Unmake. How… could I ever… how would I ever help anyone?”

Her hand gently caresses my shoulder.

“But you just did.” Her voice is soft and clear. Each word a comforting ripple down my spine.

“It was too late though. Why couldn’t I have helped earlier? So many died because of me. Because of my selfishness. Again.”

“Again?” she seems surprised

“Y…es… again” I can barely control my sobbing “I- I already went back twice… broke everything twice… I had to burn it all. It all went to nothing… so easily. I just destroyed. It was all I knew. To protect what little I had. And save me from myself. From the consequences. And went back. To where it never happened. But I can’t. I can’t burn this. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t. Going back in time is worth nothing if it means having to burn your- our world” My hands are covering my face, fingers digging into my forehead as if I was about to gouge out my eyes. Not that it would work. I must know.

“The first time… was entirely my fault” My sobbing slowly died down. Now my voice is almost monotonous. I don’t even want to see my darling’s face right now. She must be so appalled. She knows now what a monster I am. I killed so many. I am a pitiful child. A monster. I don’t deserve to live.

“I don’t even remember how it happened… I just barely learned about my powers… all I know is that one day… all was dust. I tried. I tried to rebuild what was left from the ashes. To no avail. I knew it must have been me. I was the only one left. So I tried. I tried to use my powers on myself. And then I just lay there. I tried everything. And just as time… as time was about to cease existing. I saw some movement… my feelings… they… I somehow… I reverted time… from the ashes came a figure… I… I don’t ever want to go back there ever again. I can’t. No matter if I can undo it. I won’t. The guilt. It haunts me fo-”

My mouth stops moving. I did not even realise when she moved my hands away from my face, but now hers is there when I open my eyes. Her lips sealing my blabbering mouth, her hands firmly holding mine, fingers intertwined. I feel a tear running down my cheek. I am not sure whose it is. She lets go of one of my hands to brush my hair out of the way, and places it on my neck, her thumb still on my cheek, caressing me. She pulls me closer and lets out a small wince.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t want to interrupt you.. But I just couldn’t have you keep going. Those memories that haunt you…” She couldn’t finish her sentence before I became a sobbing mess.

A mixture of sobs and “I love you”s

***

“Maybe I can somehow help make the world a better place after all”

#writer blog #writers on tumblr #writblr #trauma #angst with a happy ending #fluff #ya fiction

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toasttojost · 2 years

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summary of my last canucks game of the season that no one asked for:

i made it for warm ups for the first time this season and stood down at the glass for the first time ever

i brought a sign asking jt to sign the puck that he hit me with last game

HE ACTUALLY READ IT

he said he couldn’t sign my puck 😭 (made sense when i thought about it) and a girl i started talking to while we were waiting got some of it on video

highmore pointed at a kid beside me to throw the puck for but he threw it toward me and made the kid jump on me and nearly knocked me over

he apologized (matty did, not the kid if that wasn’t obvious)

he tossed another puck over to a girl that i was talking to while i was down there and she handed it to me (if you by any chance read this, i really appreciated that ❤️)

huggy bear stood like right in front of me for like 2 minutes (he’s cute irl)

petey is v cute up close

crowd was REALLY loud when they announced dustin brown’s retirement at the end of this season during the first period (made me emotional)

went to the team store cuz pretty much everything was 40% off for the day and got myself a blank home jersey and a few other things (i only had the skate, reverse retro and the 2019 ASG so i finally get our home lol)

spencer martin made some great saves this whole game but ESPECIALLY during ot

the crowd was really cheering on martin in OT

BOES SCORED 2 GOALS AND ONE WAS THE GAME WINNER IN OT

hand shake line for dustin brown at the end (made me emotional as well)

luke schenn addressed the crowd and thanked the fans for the season (also made me emotional)

i didn’t take a lot of photos or videos during warm up cuz i just wanted to enjoy it but:

im really sad the the season is pretty much over until october but i’m really excited to see what this new management team does on draft day and during the off season

also random theory i had the moment the current third jerseys went on sale:

the skate jersey will be our thirds next year

hoping to go to more games and stand by the glass for warm ups more next season🤞🏻

#literally no one asked for this but i just wanted to share lol #im still very hyped up #mich talks hockey #canucks lb

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vvatchword · 1 year

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It’s awful when you write stuff you deeply love and there’s no way to express it to other people. Half of the reason it’s inexpressible is because you’ve spent over 100,000 words building shit up--all that weight has meaning. The other half of the reason: you have to read the fucking thing to get the feel for why it matters. I can’t just TELL someone. And I can’t post until I’m done, so... rip.

There’s a reason I don’t post shit I haven’t finished, generally speaking. You don’t know until you’ve hit a certain point how everything needs to be arranged, or which themes and symbols will be most important--and thus need to be beefed up in various important places. So, for example, in the current project, I’m using haloes to signify when certain characters are passing in and out of monster- and godhood. Sofia Lamb has the most obvious moment--a halo of a rainbow from a black-and-white photo of a Little Sisters Orphanage. She actually thinks about it in that one, which normally I don’t do--you just wink really hard and if people get it GOOD FOR THEM lol--but her arc involves egomania so it’s fine.

Another symbol I wanna work with more are the ticking clocks. I have to refer to time a lot in the story so this one is gonna be hard, but I want to tick down to the civil war. Impossible to do very well if I were to fly by the seat of my pants.

The piece I’m excited about having written is one where Johnny Topside is literally traumatized by Ava Tate. No way to tell you exactly how except it involves the Hypnotize Plasmid and he’s saved by somebody who shouldn’t be doing nice things for him. I get to talk shit about Objectivism and also display how you can technically be “correct” but still lose an argument (answer: you have to care about how other people feel : ( and if you’re arguing with a narcissist you will literally never win. yay rip JT).

I’m still angry at myself for posting Saya before I was done with it ugh. I think I would be done with it already. It’s feeling “seen” that inevitably shuts me down.

#vvatchword

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sorryjustafangirl · 2 years

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☀️ my redheaded angel jt w prompt #67 please?? <3

sorry this is late but hope you enjoy! and also some of this comes from this podcast episode called "Falling" and I highly recommend it!

prompt: "I know you're sad, so let me in. It's cold outside."

Four papers. Two group projects. Assignments were due in every class, your hardest class had a midterm next week, and it was safe to say you were no less than exhausted. And that’s not taking into account your part time job or your boyfriend’s game schedule. There were three unfinished coffees lying around your desk and you were pretty sure you hadn’t done the dishes in at least a week, seeing as you had no spoons left in the drawer. Your phone had been buzzing for the past couple days, but you were so busy with everything, you didn’t even look at them. And when you did finally have a chance to check the messages, it was too much effort to formulate an answer.

You were currently working on your literature review, re-reading the same sentence over and over again because your apartment buzzer kept going off. You heard your phone buzzing on the table but it was too far and too much effort to tear yourself away from your work.

“Babe, I know you’re in there and I’m pretty sure I’ve buzzed grumpy Mr. Jones a couple times by accident already. Please just answer.”

He buzzed your apartment one more time and you ignored it one more time.

“I know you’re sad, so let me in. It’s cold outside,” He pleaded. That was what broke your concentration. You glanced at the clock and realized he’d probably been outside of your apartment building for close to ten minutes.

You walked over to the intercom, and pressed it. He went silent on the end and it took you a while to get the words out but you finally said it. “I’m not…sad.”

“Well, you’re ignoring me like you do when you get sad, so what am I supposed to think?” You tried to ignore the strain you heard in his voice but by the way your heart dropped, you had failed.

“You have a key,” You said quietly.

“I know but…I want you to want me to come up.” You sighed and buzzed him in. Soon enough, he knocked and you slowly opened the door.

“You know I always want you here.” Your voice was quiet to begin with, but it was muffled by your boyfriend’s arms around you. He just held you, his hand cradling the back of your head. He kicked the door closed and you let yourself relax a little bit into his arms, but he pulled away before you could get too comfortable. He held you at an arm’s length, taking in your appearance of sweatpants, greasy hair, and likely some bags under your eyes.

“Babe, I think you are beautiful all of the time, but when was the last time you slept?” You shrugged. “What’s going on?”

“I’m just tired,” you said, walking back towards your laptop, but he grabbed your arm, pulling you back to him. He pushed a stray hair out of your face.

“This is a little more than tired. You haven’t been answering anyone’s texts for a couple days,” he noted. You shrugged again.

“I’m just really busy, okay? There’s too much to get done, I don’t have a lot of extra time for conversations that aren’t about midterms or for sleep or for basic housework. Just a couple more weeks, and I’ll be fine. It’s just right now that’s hard.” But JT was already shaking his head before you finished.

“There’s no way I’m letting you keep doing this to yourself for a few more weeks. I was- I am so worried about you. I’ll do the chores, or help you study, make you a meal or something, but you can’t shut me out like this. ”

“But you shouldn’t have to do that for me. I should be able to take care of myself. You have your own stuff to deal with,” you reasoned.

“Yeah, I don’t have to do that stuff for you, but I want to. You’re my partner and I love you. Is it a crime to want to see you smile again?” His words made the heat rush to your cheeks and you cracked a small smile.

“There it is! Now, c’mon, it's game day tomorrow so we’re heading to bed early.” He started to walk towards your room but you stayed where you were.

“I have to finish–”

“Nope. Not tonight. We’re going to sleep,” He said, tugging you into his chest and moving the two of you into your bedroom. He easily found some of his clothes you’d ‘borrowed’ and got changed and you reluctantly did the same. When you got under the covers and your back hit the mattress, you immediately visibly relaxed and you heard your boyfriend laugh a little.

“Don’t laugh at me,” you whined. He got under the covers, pressing a quick kiss to your nose.

“I’m not, I promise. Just…nice to see you a little happy.”

“Thanks for talking some sense to me,” you mumbled, leaning into him as your eyes started to close. He pressed another kiss to your hairline, and let his arms wrap around you.

“Of course, babe. Now, get some sleep, you deserve it.”

The next morning, you woke up to a cold bed. Disappointed, you walked out to the kitchen, and immediately noticed that the counter was clear of dirty dishes, aside from a plate with a piece of peanut butter toast and a glass of orange juice. Your heart melted at JT’s thoughtfulness and when you finished your breakfast and moved the plate, your heart melted like ice cream on a hot summer day.

Went to morning practice but had to make you a healthy breakfast. Don’t shut me out next time, I’m here no matter what <3 love you always

taglist (join here): @heatherawoowoo @4ambagelbites @tysonjost-taylorsversion @2manytabsopen @stars-canucks @lorrmorr @fallinallincurls @plds2000 @barzysandhughesbaby @yummygoldenfood @drei-mrssvechii @bananarantanen

#abby's 200 #jt compher blurb #jt compher imagine #nhl blurb #nhl imagine #colorado avalanche blurb #colorado avalanche imagine #jt compher #abby writes #if i could have a jt right not istg life would be so much better

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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 3 years

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Take Your Father to Work Day (S2, E4)

As many people have said: This is one of the STRONGEST Prodigal Son episodes to date. It was incredible. My time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below.

I reference Malcolm’s mental health and sexual violence in this one. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:16 - OMG. Destiny’s Child. Whoever is in charge of the soundtrack for this show needs a raise. Or an award. It’s SOO GOOD.

0:18 - How great is this montage of Martin’s prison life too? I mean the insane mundanity of it combined with “Survivor” and Michael Sheen’s incredible acting is some perfect mix between hilarious, captivating, and just brilliant.

1:06 - I feel so bad for Mr.David. He has to deal with Martin’s theatrics every day. Poor guy looks done in this episode.

1:35 - CAN HECTOR BECOME A BIGGER CHARACTER?! PLEASE. He’s hilarious and I love him. “Bro. You got your ass jumped at Sunday School.”

2:09 - Wait. What? Jerry’s getting released?!? I mean, I understand that he’s no longer in need of psychiatric care......but he still killed someone. Shouldn’t he just be getting transferred to a different prison?

2:25 - Does Jerry have a death wish?!?! He’s talking about being released in a room full of jealous murderers. Everyone looks sooooo pissed at Jerry.

2:54 - Martin is such a liar. However - Michael Sheen’s performance is astoundingly good. Like he shines brighter than usual in this episode.

3:17 - Poor Malcolm. “What’s going on?” Poor boy looks terrified.

3:23 - I love everything about this scene. I love how freaked out Malcolm is. I love you extra Jessica is. BUT HANS. Holy shit. I want Hans in every episode. He’s crazy in a good way and such a beautiful comedic relief.

3:30 - OMG. “Skinny milennial” might be the best thing anyone has ever called Malcolm. Someone please tell JT and Dani - hell, even Gil. They would tease him forever and I want to see it.

3:45 - 1) Malcolm is a terrible liar. 2) Jessica knows he’s lying. 3) This story about the wine is interesting. I wonder when and how Malcolm first told Jessica the story. Was it the same night? AND HOW DID ENDICOTT’S BODY END UP IN ESTONIA?!? I WANT MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THAT NIGHT.

3:54 - “Ainsley and I came back from the hospital after Gil’s stabbing.”....we never saw Ainsley at the hospital. Was she there and left before Malcolm got there? Or is this a plot hole I need to ignore?

4:05 - The way that the flashbacks of Endicott’s murder is spliced into this scene with Malcolm’s cover story is so perfectly executed. It’s so captivating and so so well done.

4:14 - Malcolm’s eyes look quite manic during the retelling of this story. Poor guy is desperate to have everyone believe the story. Poor guy probably wants to convince himself that the story is true.

4:16 - Wait. What? Ainsley has always been clumsy? .....interesting. I’ve seen no evidence of it but I’ll believe it for the sake of the plot.

4:23 - “At least one of you has a soul.” Holy shit. hahaha Hans is brutal. I love him so much. I also love how this line makes me, as a viewer, think “does that mean the writers want me to think that Ainsley doesn’t have a soul?” ...or more likely that she doesn’t feel emotion (which can be interpreted as a lack of a soul). That she’s a psychopath like Martin?

4:27 - OMG. Jessica loves Hans. He speaks to her dramatic rich woman soul. So entertaining.

4:30 - Poor. Malcolm. This boy is always in some sort of emotional turmoil. For once I wish he was happy (but also I love the emotional whump so if that could continue that would be great).

4:44 - “It’s so much more than that.” *chef’s kiss* comedic genius. I would watch a whole episode of Mr.David making fun of Martin. But can we all just take a minute to appreciate that Martin doesn’t seem bothered at all that Mr.David is basically verbally telling him that he sucks? It’s almost like Martin thinks they’re friends?

4:50 - Martin is strangely chill talking to Mr.David in this scene. It’s a little off-putting. He almost seems normal. He’s not putting on his usual theatrics or ranting about doctor stuff. It makes you wonder how many different sides of Martin that Mr.David has witnessed.

5:01 - “Oh no. Not Jerry.” LMAO. HOLY SHIT. Michael Sheen needs an Emmy. His delivery of that line might be the funniest thing this show has ever given us. hahahahaha

5:29 - Damn. This is not Gil’s month. First Jessica dumps him. Then he has to deal with Martin Whitly in the flesh. That plus the on-going drama of worrying about Malcolm’s mental health and the stress of reintegrating into work after a STAB WOUND.

5:31 - Gil’s face. hahahahaha he’s like, “Kill me. This can’t be happening. I hate everything. I wish the ground would open up and swallow me whole.”

5:37 - “Yeah. Why’d you do it?” GIL. OMG. I’m so proud of Gil for dissing Martin to his face. BUT ALSO I worry that that’s going to give Martin more of a reason to hate Gil. I’m genuinely scared that the writers have Martin escaping as the pre-finale episode and Martin trying to kill Gil as the finale. Maybe Gil shows up trying to save Malcolm, AInsley, and Jessica (whom Martin is trying to abduct or hurt or something) idk I just feel like it’s going to be a likely subplot somewhere. I don’t want an attempt on Gil’s life to become a season finale tradition.

5:56 - Ew. “Gilly” That is a terrible nickname. I think I threw up a little.

6:00 - Damn. I love this scene. I could watch Martin and Gil pretending to be civil to each other for years. So entertaining.

6:29 - hahahahaha OMG. Gil’s reaction to Martin saying, “Thank you” PLUS Edrisa’s sudden excitement at realizing she’s 10 ft away from Malcolm’s Dad - a medical legend, is magical.

6:35 - Not gonna lie. When Edrisa said, “Ok. I’m gonna play it cool.” I had to pause my TV and walk away to calm down. I was experiencing a mixture of second hand embarrassment for Edrisa’s inevitable behaviour, excitement for what is to come, and fear that Martin would be a jerk to our precious Edrisa.

6:44 - Edrisa and Martin interacting was everything I’d hoped. It was strange, funny, sweet, and disturbing at the same time. The sweet, eccentric girl who attends cuddle parties is getting buddy-buddy with a literal serial killer. Hilarious. Even better is Gil’s background reactions as he desperately tries to keep Edrisa away from the psychopath. hahaha <3

7:12 - Gil is currently living in a nightmare. hahahahaha

7:47 - I love this. I love how Malcolm and Ainsley interact. Malcolm is such a good big brother. IDK something about these two adult siblings chilling on a couch and warning each other about Mom’s current rampage reminds me of myself and my younger brother. <3 Warms my cold dead heart. <3 PLUS has anyone else noticed that (as long as Ainsley isn’t hounding Malcolm about a story or airing out his mental health diagnoses like the bs from Q&A) Malcolm is extremely calm around Ainsley. Like maybe the calmest we’ve ever seen him?

8:20 - “Oh Ainsley, that’s a horrible idea.” This is adorable. Malcolm is totally acting like Ainsley’s surrogate dad. He’s trying so hard to protect her. <3

8:42 - There’s something about the way that Malcolm says, “Hey Gil” that makes my heart swell. Idk why. I just their father/son relationship. So much. And it makes me so happy to see Malcolm having semi-normal interactions with people in general.

8:48 - This. Is. The. Funniest. Episode. Of. Prodigal. Son. To. Date. Holy shit. The comical dread on Malcolm’s face. Martin’s glee on the phone. Gil’s general “done with life” body language. Ainsley’s utter joy at her luck. MALCOLM DRAINING THE ALKA-SELTZER. Ainsley saying “chug chug”. So perfect.

9:27 - Is it just me or has Jessica been showing way more concern for her children’s well-being this season? At first I thought it was because she was so happy with Gil....but that’s not a thing anymore (because Jessica is a MORON - seriously if this show gets cancelled before Gil and Jessica are living happily ever after I will riot) so now Idk.

10:02 - EDRISA WHY DID YOU NOT TELL GIL AND MALCOLM THAT THE SURGEON WAS ON THE PHONE?!? For a hot second, poor Malcolm looks like he thinks he’s hallucinating.

10:40 - Gil hanging up on Martin and then telling Edrisa that she needs to make new friends is everything. It’s vicious. Gil looks absolutely furious in this scene and I love it.

11:07 - Yo. Edrisa’s got some baggage. hahaha Malcolm looks soooo uncomfortable with her outburst.

11:18 - I would pay good money to watch Martin and Gil have a pissing match in front of Malcolm every episode. It’s amazing. They’re constantly trying to one-up each other. The tension is palatable. And someone Malcolm is the only one acting like a mature, working adult. Malcolm. My mentally unstable, skinny millennial.

11:34 - OH SHIT. Martin did not just bring Jessica into this. Oh SNAP. Does Martin know that Jessica dumped Gil?!?

11:56 - “I’m going to need a little more than that.” Damn. Malcolm looks pissed here. Pretty sure he hates that Martin just brought up Gil/Jessica. Malcolm’s bio-dad and real dad are fighting and it’s very clear that Malcolm is on Gil’s side.

12:17 - The look that Gil and Malcolm share here is perfect. I love it so much. You can see how annoyed they both are, how much they hate that they need Martin on this case, how much neither of them want Martin’s help. <3

12:23 - SOMEONE GIVE GIL A MEDAL. This man just grit his teeth, smiled, and let MARTIN WHITLY - the man who tried to KILL HIM work on his case. Why? Because Malcolm silently asked him to. Because Gil loves Malcolm and knows that it’s better for Martin to work with them officially than for Malcolm to work with Martin in secret. At least this way he can look out for Malcolm.

12:42 - “It’s taken Dr. Marsh years...” soooo was Dr. Marsh the name of the Asian doctor leading group therapy last season? Is this just a new actor, same character scenario? OR am I supposed to forget that Asian doctor existed last season?

13:04 - I can’t tell if Gil hates this whole “father-son in group therapy idea”. He looks kind of like he hates it (although he is looking at Martin in the shot). I’m inclined to think that Gil is worried. He doesn’t like how nice Martin is acting toward Malcolm. He doesn’t want Malcolm to get hurt again. BUT I also think there’s probably a part of Gil that thinks group therapy might be beneficial for Malcolm’s mental health? I mean it was only ever going to be terrible or amazing. Nothing in between.

13:12 - “They hate you don’t they?” GIL BRINGING THE FIRE. hahahaha angry Gil is really funny.

13:43 - OH HELL YES. More Hector. <3

13:46 - hahaha YES. Hector this is Malcolm - the son. You know, the one you had to role-play? hahaha I feel like Hector is a really cool dude (aside from the murder).

13:53 - Damn. Hector pays attention in group. He has a lot of info about Malcolm. I would’ve thought the other inmates would just tune Martin out when he starts his monologues.

13:59 - “He’s got a thing with hands?” hahahaha OMG. How did I never connect the hand thing. DOES Malcolm have a thing with hands? ....I kind of want that to be cannon?

14:00 - “You’re crazier than me.” Ouch. That must’ve hurt. Think about it - Malcolm is ridden with guilt about Endicott. He’s haunted by what he experienced as a kid and by what his father is. Malcolm believes he’s broken beyond repair. On some level Malcolm thinks he’s crazy. Now a literal killer just told him he’s crazy. That just affirms what Malcolm already believes about himself. :( PLUS right after Hector tells Malcolm that he’s crazy - the camera pans to Martin. MARTIN looks scared. Martin is losing control of the situation and he doesn’t like it. Martin knows on some level that he ruined Malcolm’s mental health. He almost looks a little guilty?

14:31 - FINALLY. We have a cannon occurrence of someone calling Malcolm “Mal” (or “Malc” if you’re going by HULU’s subtitles?). I hope the writers start having people call Malcolm by Mal/Malc more often.

14:35 - I can’t ignore it anymore. DID HECTOR HAVE THAT SCAR ON HIS FACE LAST SEASON?!? I DON’T REMEMBER IT.

14:38 - YES YES. Malcolm looks angry. I LOVE IT. Scream at him Malcolm! Give him hell!

15:03 - Yikes. Malcolm sounds like he’s about to cry here. :( My heart breaks for him. .....I wonder if this is the first time Martin has ever heard how much pain he caused Malcolm straight from Malcolm? Martin looks hella uncomfortable here.

15:25 - The inmates (literal murderers) empathizing with Malcolm is twisted, beautiful, and haunting. These guys understand how much it sucks to hang out with Martin. These guys can see the real pain in Malcolm’s expression. They know he isn’t lying. Part of me honestly wonders if one of them is going to try and hurt Martin for Malcolm. They looked pissed enough by the end of the conversation that I kind of believe they might.

16:00 - Malcolm is not acting here. For once he’s not projecting his problems onto potential suspects. He’s just venting to suspects. No pretence. I love it. BUT 100% of me wants to know where Gil is during this session. Is Gil listening? Is the session being recorded for evidence? There’s no way Gil (or Dani) wouldn’t confront Malcolm about this. Even if they just asked him if he’s okay.

16:10 - hahahaha look at Doctor Marsh. He’s like “ooookkkkkaaaayyyy. I’m a psychiatrist in a psychiatric facility for people who have committed violent crimes. BUT THIS IS THE NUTTIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN.”

16:12 - Look at the way Martin narrows his eyes. He’s trying to figure out if Malcolm is acting. He’s finally realizing that Malcolm truly hates what Martin subjected him to as a child. I honestly think this interaction will cause Martin to shift his “become a murderer like me” agenda from Malcolm to Ainsley. He’s finally seen the depth of Malcolm’s hatred and pain and knows deep down that Malcolm will never turn into a serial killer. But there’s still hope for Ainsley. That’s not to say that Martin won’t stop gaslighting Malcolm - he totally will.

17:10 - Martin has been at Claremont for 20 YEARS. How is it that he didn’t know a gold card existed?!?

17:21 - I honestly thought Marsh was going to get shanked. For the gold card. No other reason.

18:07 - It’s not supposed to be funny but Burt freaking out and punching Marsh is HYSTERICAL. hahahahaha

18:10 - That guard who pushed Malcolm out of the room and into a safe area? He’s in my good books. Every time I watch him push Malcolm to safety I want to give him a hug. Just for doing his job. What the hell is wrong with me?!?

18:18 - UGH. I hate that creepy, satisfied look that Martin gives Malcolm. It’s the same look he gave baby Malcolm in the pilot. It’s the “we’re the same” look and it clearly bothers Malcolm. :(

18:26 - Oh look. 18 minutes into the episode and we finally have a Dani appearance!! annnnnnd no mention of JT. I mean, I get it. He’s on paternity leave. I’m happy for him. BUT TWO EPISODES WITHOUT A JT APPEARANCE IS TORTURE. At least give me a throw away line about how happy JT is or about the baby!?? Honestly - it’s my biggest gripe with this episode.

18:56 - soooo either Dr. Marsh is a terrible psychiatrist OR you can’t “cure” murderers.

19:08 - The NYPD knows that Martin cured Jerry?!? HOW? Did Mr. David get Martin to admit to shocking him? Did Mr. David tell the police?!? I don’t remember Martin telling Malcolm. I specifically remember Malcolm saying, “I don’t want to know”

20:02 - Damn. I want Ainsley to go dark so badly. I want to see how badly it would destroy Malcolm and Jessica. I am evil.

20:52 - Malcolm’s burgundy jacket is gorgeous. That is all.

21:10 - Malcolm knows that Martin wants to escape. This is good. I love this.

21:55 - THERE’S A WOMENS WARD?!? REVOLUTIONARY INFORMATION. I THOUGHT THEY HAD A SEPARATE HOSPITAL.

22:00 - Oh wow. Finally - a perk to gender inequality.

22:52 - This Brightwell scene is so cute. I love watching Malcolm be excited about solving the crime. I love watching Dani gently tease him about how weird he is. I love watching them subtly flirt. Is Malcolm ready for another relationship - hell no. Do I think Dani has forgiven him - not totally. If they got together now it would end badly. But I do want them to be endgame.

23:11 - Andre is really suspicious throughout this whole scene. I’m convinced that if Dani and Malcolm weren’t too busy flirting Andre would’ve become a suspect really fast.

23:15 - Why do people get released from psychiatric prisons?!? This is a genuine question. I would’ve thought that everyone in Claremont has committed some seriously heinous crimes and only a very small portion of them are actually sick. The rest of them just pleaded insanity and had good lawyers. But even if they are/were sick. I don’t think the types of mental illnesses that drive people to murder and/or rape is something that can be cured. Sooo why are they getting released? I guess I just wonder because there’s this guy that’s been in my local news on and off for like 10+ years. He’s molested/raped many young women between the ages of about 16-25. He’s been arrested and released multiple times. He keeps getting released to different major cities in my province (usually a city with a big University) and reoffends within 6 months of being released. Most recently he was arrested last month after being released in October 2020. Clearly he’s going to keep reoffending - so why does he keep getting released? I guess I just don’t understand what the criteria are that allow an inmate who has committed that sort of crime to be released. Here’s a link to one of the more recent news stories if you’re interested: https://vancouverisland.ctvnews.ca/police-warn-of-high-risk-sex-offender-moving-to-victoria-1.5149264

23:23 - hahaha Andre is like, “Yo. This dude is freaky.”

24:15 - Look at how proud Malcolm is of his whole “lobster = murderer” profile. <3 So freaking precious. <3 and Dani looks so amused with him. <3

24:37 - Sooooo Mr. David isn’t listening to this conversation? He left the room?

24:40 - Jessica going to Martin for parenting help is terrifying. This is a woman in crisis.

25:20 - But Jessica was right to be paranoid in 97′. She wasn’t being cheated on romantically but her husband was murdering people.

25:24 - Martin is so selling his kids out here. He knows it. He doesn’t care. He’s having too much fun torturing Jessica. He’s rejoicing at the fact that he gets to play the “I turned the kids to the dark side” card.

26:40 - Poor Jessica. She looks suspicious and scared. Scared that she raised a killer even though she tried desperately to prevent that very behaviour.

26:56 - Damn. Martin is having a really good day. First he gets to annoy Gil Arroyo in the flesh. Then Edrisa talks medical with him. Then he gets to work with Malcolm. THEN his ex-wife calls him and he gets to toy with her mind. THEN his daughter, who has literally murdered someone comes to visit him. He is a proud Dad right here and he’s having an amazing day.

28:00 - Rhonda is terrifying. This girl has perfected the “I’m sweet and unthreatening” while lying and manipulating people. I swear she’s a teenage Queen B personality with a side of violence.

28:30 - I love how protective Malcolm is of Ainsley. Look how positively livid he is that Marin is talking to her. Malcolm is terrified that Martin is going to purposefully and successfully turn Ainsley into a serial killer. Malcolm doesn’t want to lose his sister. He doesn’t want Jessica to lose her ‘stable’ child.

29:09 - This scares me. This is the kind of Ainsley behaviour from last season that made me believe she is the Whitly child most like Martin. Her ruthlessness and lack of a conscience when it comes to looking for a news story is extremely upsetting.

30:11 - What the hell happened to Tevin? AND WATKINS?!? We got no closure on those guys. Are they dead? In prison? Is Tevin still in Claremont? Were they transferred to facilities outside of New York State?

30:28 - Malcolm yelling at Martin is perfect. *chef’s kiss* Finally this boy is being honest with his father and he isn’t holding back.

30:40 - Michael Sheen is an incredible actor. This is an Emmy worthy scene. By Sheen AND Payne.

30:48 - I love how you can see Mr. David just chilling. Sitting outside the door and staring across the hall during this scene. It’s just....can’t he hear the screaming?!? Is he just like, “I can’t take anymore of this today. Not my circus and not my monkeys.”

30:55 - Soooooo this is Martin showing his true colours. There’s definitely a part of Martin that hates Malcolm. I honestly wonder if that part of Martin actively tries/tried to emotionally torture Malcolm now and throughout his childhood.

31:00 - “And your mother. And you ruined HeR!!!”....does this mean Martin was trying to make Ainsley a serial killer? Maybe after the camping trip when he realized Malcolm was too “weak” to kill anyone? Is this Martin saying that Ainsley is ruined because she didn’t become a serial killer? Or that Ainsley is ruined because she killed Endicott?

31:05 - “But that’s not me.” hahaha OMG. Michael Sheen just flipped between two personalities like nobody’s business. Respect.

31:08 - Martin’s outburst hurt Malcolm. Badly. You can see it all over his face. Even now, when Malcolm is being strong and showing some backbone to Martin, Martin can wound Malcolm with a single phrase. :(

31:41 - soooo where has Gil been for the past 10 minutes of this episode?

32:02 - Sooooo did Andre kill Jerry for Rhonda? Or did he just know about the murder and keep quiet for Rhonda? Or is his oblivious to the fact that Rhonda killed Jerry? I’m honestly confused here.

32:20 - Holy shit. Rhonda is crazy. Andre is dead now. Right?

32:48 - Wait. Why did Andre have a gold card? Mr. David only has red. What kind of qualifications does a guard need to get a gold card vs blue, green, or red?!?!

32:55 - Claremont isn’t a punishment for Martin. Solitary is. Martin should live in solitary. He deserves to suffer for his crimes (and the ongoing torture of his son).

33:05 - How messed up is it that Mr. David’s job is to protect a serial killer? I don’t think I’m brave enough to do something like that. I also don’t know if I could do that for moral reasons.

33:14 - Damn. That elevator looks like it hasn’t been cleaned since it was installed. It’s sooo much nastier than the hallway outside of the elevator.

33:50 - Sooo does this mean Martin is eventually going to try and murder someone down here?

33:54 - HE CALLED FOR BACKUP <3 <3 <3 OUR BOY IS GROWING UP AND I’M SO PROUD. <3

35:40 - FINALLY SOME MALCOLM WHUMP. <3 THIS SEASON HAS BEEN LACKING IT.

36:00 - This is really interesting to me. I honestly wonder if Martin has some sort of split personality disorder (personality #1: murderous, selfish, psychopath; personality #2: loving, concerned father and lawful doctor). You can see how desperately he wants to escape. But also how much he loves his son. I honestly thought he was going to leave Malcolm to die.

36:06 - Ugh. Look at his whumped face. <3 <3 <3 ....one thing that I couldn’t stop thinking during all the tazing (which was amazing FYI, I’m not complaining) is this: in QxA (1x07) Mr. David says that he only has a single shot tazer. Why did Andre have a multi-shot tazer? Is this a gold card vs red card thing?

36:40 - WHY THE EFF DOES BACKUP NOT INCLUDE GIL?!?! I KNOW HE’S STILL IN THE BUILDING.

37:03 - MARTIN, IF YOU TOUCH A HAIR ON DANI’S HEAD I WILL PERSONALLY HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU MYSELF. He honestly looks like he wants to murder her.

37:50 - Martin’s speech is not going to help Malcolm’s mental state. At all.

38:31 - No. No. No. Martin you do NOT get to talk to Dani on a first name basis. Look at how much Dani hates it.

38:35 - I love how soft Malcolm looks as Martin lifts him up. Look at how Malcolm gently leans into the touch. It breaks my heart. After 20 years Malcolm is still comforted by physical contact with his father. :(

38:37 - “Put your hands on me again Dr. Whitly, and I’ll blow your head off.” OH HELL YES. Dani is my hero. Iconic. Also - anyone else notice that Dani is chewing gum in this scene (I don’t think she’s chewed gum on camera since the pilot?) it makes her look like so much more of a badass in this scene.

38:55 - Oh look. The rest of the backup finally showed up. Where were these assholes 5 minutes ago when DANI WAS ALONE? AND WHERE IS GIL?!?!

39:00 - Malcolm thanking Dani is so so precious. And the fact that he’s clearly struggling to breathe and stay conscious is giving me life. ALSO Dani saying, “YOU’re welcome.”?!? *chef’s kiss* :) :) <3

39:30 - So Malcolm definitely knows that Martin almost left him to die so that Martin could escape.

39:33 - ......Ainsley is currently living with Jessica. Why is Ainsley not at the family dinner? We literally see her in the house in like 30 seconds.

39:35 - Malcolm in a polo shirt. Malcolm in a polo shirt. Why is it so attractive?!? He looks like a baby cinnamon roll? <3

39:51 - WHO THE EFF LET AINSLEY INTO THE MURDER BASEMENT?!? WHY AM I EXPECTED TO BELIEVE THAT JESSICA DIDN’T RE-SEAL IT AFTER WATKINS?!?!

40:15 - Jessica desperately tearing apart the living room is heartbreaking. :(

40:29 - Question: Did Jessica send her staff home before she tore apart the living room? Because I can just imagine two of them staring into the living room from the hall like, “She’s finally snapped. Should we call someone?”

41:00 - Jessica is the queen of drama. HOLY SHIT. This reveal was so extra and so perfect.

41:13 - “I killed him.” “You’re lying.” I love this interaction between Jessica and Malcolm. Malcolm has spent his whole life trying to convince people that he’s not a murderer. To protect Ainsley, his baby sister, he will say the words “I killed him”. Even though that is literally killing a part of Malcolm. Jessica knows it. I love that Jessica can see that Malcolm is lying. She’s not trying to convince herself that he’s innocent. She literally just accused him of murder. She’s scared. Because Malcolm just admitted to killing someone - his biggest fear - and it was a lie.

41:35 - Watching Bellamy Young’s facial expression as Jessica realizes that Ainsley killed Endicott is a thing of beauty. This woman needs an Emmy too. HELL, CAN WE GIVE THIS WHOLE EPISODE AN EMMY?!?!

42:00 - Poor Jessica. The guilt she must feel. She’s always thought that Malcolm was the one at risk of being a murderer. He’s a boy (they’re statistically more prone to violence than girls), he was older than Ainsley, he remembers terrible things, Malcolm had continued exposure to Martin throughout his childhood (Ainsley didn’t - I think?). But the child she neglected, the child she thought was safe, the child she thought remained free of Martin’s evil killed someone. It’s a plot-twist that just ripped Jessica’s heart into a million pieces.

42:30 - Yep. I promise you Malcolm has been psychoanalyzing Ainsley’s past behaviours since the moment she killed Endicott. He’s found traits common to serial killers and he’s terrified that she’ll become one if she remembers what it felt like to kill Endicott. He’s probably kicking himself for not noticing sooner. He’s probably questioning his ability as a profiler and as a big brother. AND the fact that MALCOLM has to protect Jessica AND Ainsley is heartbreaking. It’s way too big a burden. No wonder Malcolm’s mental health is on a downward spiral.

42:33 - This is the moment Jessica begins grieving for Ainsley. The fear, disbelief, and horror on her face. It’s torture that I can only describe as someone telling a mother that her daughter is dead. Because Ainsley is dead. The person Jessica believed Ainsley was - that little girl is dead. Because Jess just found out the truth.

42:55 - Jessica is now terrified of her own daughter. That is maybe the most upsetting thing this show has given us.

43:00 - I saw an interesting theory about how Ainsley is regressing back to her childhood (crawling into bed with Mom, moving back in with Mom) and I must say - that would be a really interesting way for this story to go. Ainsley regressing to a child-like state as she is convicted of murder. As a result she ends up in the women’s ward of Claremont because she can plead insanity.

This episode was amazing. Seriously, one of the best Prodigal Son episodes to date. Definitely the best of season 2 so far. If you’ve read this far - thanks for hanging out.

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storiesbyjes2g · 3 years

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Try this again...

OK, so, it’s been a week since I changed my post rules(?), and I’ve gotta say...I hate it. 😂 The pace feels super slow now with just one post per story, so let’s double it! Two posts, two stories. Amina in the morning and the other things in the afternoon with reblogs at night.

Speaking of the other things...

(Those who find my whining about my stories entertaining, continue reading. Everyone else, spare yourself lol. It’s for the best.)

Between the aforementioned change and the current topic, I feel really erratic right now. 😂 I keep bouncing back and forth between ideas. I blame @ladybugsimblr. 😛 So, here’s what’s happening.

1. I’m still doing rotations but I’m not gonna stick to the one week per house thing. I’m also going to allow myself to play the rotations in whatever order I need them to be. Yeah, so pretty much I’m going back to what I was doing before...but with a little more wisdom lol.

2. I’m not gonna do the Franklin house in full rotations anymore. The reason they don’t get as much screen time as everyone else anymore is because I reeeeeeally struggle to connect with them. The main reason for that is because, in my head, that story is done. When I brought Bryce into this save, I had two goals: find him a wife and have some babies. When JT was born, I checked the boxes and considered Bryce’s journey a success. But I kept playing--or tried to. I like Bryce and Kenya as characters, but the sims just don’t do it for me. Although this save contains many story arcs, I like to keep them to a minimum so I can still enjoy a bit of gameplay and let it shake up the story from time to time. I’ve had ideas for Bryce and Kenya before, but when it comes down to playing it out, I’m just not interested. I’d have to create a whole subplot for them in order to keep it going. Hard no. SO, Bryce will still be around because everyone in this story is connected, but I see him more as a supporting character not a main. He’ll show up in Rodney and the Piersons’ rotations and occasionally on his own, but I won’t do whole rotations with them anymore. This last one was quite painful for me, sad to say. I know the Franklins have some fans out there and you’ll hate hearing this. But one thing I’m not going to compromise is my own entertainment. That may sound selfish, but I think it’s necessary. I write these stories because they are entertaining to me. You all have the luxury of benefiting from my joy. But because I do make these public, they have to be good quality. If I am not entertained, the story suffers and we can’t have that.

3. Finally, on a happier note, I’ve finally figured out an idea I’ve been toiling with all year! The solution is simple and should have been obvious, but my brain just doesn’t work that way lol. You all have seen me say a few times that I see The Piersons, Life After the BC, and Misadventures of Rodney Eason as one story and wish I had the foresight to make them rotations of the same story from the jump. I’ve been trying to figure out how to do that without retagging everything and/or disrupting the flow of things, and by golly I’ve done it! First, I need a name. Then, I need a common tag to add to all the posts. Dassit. lol Seriously! I will keep the banners and continuing tagging them as I am now to keep everything organized so you guys know what rotation we’re on. The main issue has been how my brain accepts or rejects this information, and my brain accepts this lol. Once I figure out what this tag is going to be, I’ll update my pinned post to reflect the unified nature of the story, and that will make my brain accept this as one story. Bonus points for making this a seamless, invisible transaction for you guys!

If you’ve made it to the end of this madness, I want you to know I really really really appreciate your support and interest in my shenanigans lol. It means the world to me! THANK YOU.

#announcements #story stuff #again

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tulakhord · 3 years

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hello!!! what are ur current favorite rpf ships

to read: zegras/drysdale, mcdrai, mat/tito, anyone/beezer. to wish someone else would write: pears/bo, cmcd/mike smith, quinn/petey, anders/brock. 😐 to wish i myself would write: wallybee!! (later this month i’m back on that wip...) and, uh, bails/jt... it's percolating. nobody look at me.

#tulakhord answers asks #hockey #rpf courtesy tag

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jiggyloveshockey · 4 years

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Who has the horniest bromance in the NHL?

After reading too much fanfiction and reblogging way too many hockey gifs on this hellsite, I got slightly drunk and asked myself the following question: Who has the horniest bromance in the league? Here’s the scientifically totally legit poll where you can vote. But let’s look at our top 10 candidates first, shall we?

WE SHALL! But first, more wine!

Mika Zibanejad and Chris Kreider

Sluttiness potential: People keep saying it’s just golf balls in his pocket, but personally, I choose to believe that Chris Kreider has the shlong to end all shlongs. Mazel tov!

Awww factor: They’re flying across the globe to visit during the summer, so- yeah. It’s love.

Brock Boeser and Elias Pettersson

Awww factor: Hand holding on the bench levels of “awww”. Pettersson also donated 10 Grand to the Parkinson society of BC and Minnesota to honor Brock Boeser’s dad. It’s all very get-your-tissues-out sweet.

Sluttiness potential: Dude, they’re young, they still have to share their hotel rooms on the road, there is some sneaky boning going on. Probably. Maybe that’s just in my head? I don’t know. More wine!

JT Compher and Tyson Jost

Sluttiness potential: I think this picture neatly sums it up.

(Look at the little weeny bum in the corner!)

Awww factor: Who can forget the time they had a moment™ because JT literally turned Tyson’s world to color?

Tyson Barrie and Nathan MacKinnon

Awww factor: Granted, they are no longer on the same team, but who cares. MORE WINE! Anyways,...

#dontjudgethemtheyaresensitive

Sluttiness potential: One time Nate fell into the ocean in Cannes, because he was too wasted to jump on his yacht and his first instinct was to walk - sopping wet - into Tyson’s room. If there isn’t some secret humping happening here, I’ll eat my boots. Or maybe the pack of mini salamis I just found in the fridge. Wine makes me hungry. Now, where were we..

Brandon Tanev and Adam Lowry

Awww factor: Aaaah, the couple that gave hockey tumblr The Kiss™.

Sluttiness potential:

No further questions, Your Honor!

Mitch Marner and Auston Matthews

Awww factor: The big, dumb one follows the fun smol one around all day long. Adorable.

Sluttiness potential: Auston “Knees breathing heavy” Matthews is currently shacked up with his goalie and Mitchy is back in Toronto chugging wine and playing Fortnite, but absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

I’m approximately this level of tipsy right now by the way.

[does awkward peace sign while eating another mini salami stick]

Alex Ovechkin and Nicklas Backstrom

Sluttiness potential: Ovi is legit coo-coo bonkers and Backstrom is the kind of silent that makes me think he’s secretly crazy, so I’m very convinced they’re both insane in the sack. But maybe that’s just me, sitting at home and getting unreasonably horny in self isolation. Have I mentioned I’m slightly drunk?

Awww factor: I might not be a Caps fan, but I teared up at this.

It’s Love with a capital L and I will fight you if you disagree!

Jamie Benn and Tyler Seguin

Awww factor: Ty-Ty may be a narcissistic thot and Captain Cow Eyes may be a dum-dum and they don’t seem as smitten as they once were, but we all know they still love each other. We know. We most definitely know.

Sluttiness potential: Sluttiness potential is Tyler Seguin’s middle name. (Actually it’s Paul and I’m embarrassed I know that.)

Travis Konecny and Nolan Patrick

Awww factor: The snarkier the bitch, the sweeter the moments of actual softness.

“What do you think of?”

[dreamy smile that you only have when you talk about your crush]

“Ugh, he’s the worst!”

Sluttiness potential: It’s hard to tell, because Patty hates everyone apart from TK.

Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin

Awww factor: The unsinkable ship, the pairing that keeps on giving. Read King and Lionheart and then tell me you don’t believe in love!

Actually maybe I should re-read King and Lionheart again? I should.

Sluttiness potential: Sid’s buttcheecks invented sluttiness potential.

Alright children, now go ye forth and vote while I pour myself a final glass of wine. Merry self isolation to us all and to all a good night!

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limunette · 3 years

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Hi there! I hope you’re doing well. If your free readings are still open I was wondering if I might ask for a 🔮 for my career. I’m trying to get my own business off the ground and transition myself out of the retail world and be my own boss and creator.

I’m curious if this time it will actually happen and I can finally connect with people through my art and reiki practice the way I’ve wanted? This current job I have is so draining and I want to connect and be with people in a more fulfilling way for others as well as myself. Thank you In advance!!! And if your readings are closed then sent this into the void 🤣

🌰 JT ♒️

Yes it will finally happen but it may not happen as soon as you would like, may take another year or two to have it off the ground but you will find success and joy in it. I see that people in your life will come together and help you. You will make genuine connection with people through your art. It will happen. You aren't meant to stay in a retail job and work miserably. You just need to think logically about things. Maybe start making your business a part time and see how it goes. Do more marketing or something draw people in. Show people what you have in store and ask people to support. Keep doing this until you are able to just focus on your business. Most of all, don't give up even if you don't see results yet. I do see it will take some time but it will happen for you.

Readings are CLOSED.

Feedback is appreciated & required.

Consider purchasing a reading instead of a free one, for a more in depth dive into your query. Holiday themed readings also available.

Consider tipping after your reading if you feel it helped you & for energy used.

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citylightsbooks · 4 years

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Signaling Through the Flames, Hilary Moore & James Tracy, Authors of No Fascist USA!

During this time of uncertainty, we’ve asked City Lights authors how they’re doing, what they’re reading, and any advice they have for our community. Their responses have been very inspiring to us, and we hope that sharing them will inspire you as well.

“Signaling Through the Flames” gets its title from Lawrence Ferlinghetti’s timeless work, Poetry As Insurgent Art, which beings with the line, “I am signaling you through the flames …” This line is, in turn, taken from Antonin Artaud in his landmark book The Theatre and Its Double, in which he says “If there is still one hellish, truly accursed thing in our time, it is our artistic dallying with forms, instead of being like victims burnt at the stake, signaling through the flames.” Follow the hashtag #SignalingThruTheFlames across all our platforms on social media to follow the complete series.

City Lights: Where are you?

Hilary Moore: Berlin, Germany

James Tracy: I live in Oakland California, or unceded Ohlone territory.

What books make you feel inspired?

HM: Freedom Dreams by Robin D.G. Kelley

JT: Sometimes you have to just go back to the books that remind you that history is something we make, not something that is done to us. Howard Zinn’s People’s History of the United States is worth rereading during a shelter-in-place order. Anything by Ursula K. Le Guin or Octavia Butler can help jump-start the radical imagination during these times. I’m currently pulling a lot of inspiration from Johanna Fernandez’s The Young Lords: A Radical History. I’m also allowing myself to be challenged by Kazu Haga’s Healing Resistance: A Radically Different Response to Harm.

What gives you hope in this moment? (And/or what are you thankful for?)

HM: International eyes on the Turkey/Greece border. And the bees outside my window.

JT: I’m thankful for all of the Mutual Aid projects going on to help people survive this time. That gives me hope. I’m also inspired by all organizing and policy work done to support workers, renters and disabled people during this time. I teach a class at City College of San Francisco on Community Organizing, and I’m constantly enlightened and humbled by what my students are doing in the world.

Any advice that you’d like to share with our community?

HM: There is no finer moment than this to act from our values and to tend to our fears.

JT: Fear is natural and useful. Despair is a privilege. Don’t give into nihilism, reinvent organizing and Mutual Aid during this time. A crisis is a really good time to dream big dreams and put them into action. But most of all, watch out for your neighbors.

***

Hilary Moore is an anti-racist political education trainer and teaches with generative somatics. She works on the Leadership Team of Showing Up for Racial Justice, and is the co-author of No Fascist USA!: The John Anti-Klan Committee and Lessons for Today's Movements (City Lights, 2020) and Organizing Cools the Planet: Tools and Reflections to Navigate the Climate Crisis (PM Press, 2011). Her newest book is Climate and the Far Right: Lessons for Climate Justice in a Changing Europe (Rosa Luxemburg Stiftung- Brussels, 2020)

James Tracy is an author, organizer, and an Instructor of Labor and Community Studies at City College of San Francisco. He is the co-author of Hillbilly Nationalists, Urban Race Rebels and Black Power: Community Organizing in Radical Times and the author of Dispatches Against Displacement: Field Notes From San Francisco's Housing Wars. His latest book with Hilary, No Fascist USA!, was published by City Lights in 2020.

#No Fascist USA #James Tracy #Hilary Moore #signalingthrutheflames

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andrewuttaro · 4 years

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New Look Sabres: GM 30 - VAN - Never Easy

6-5 OT Loss

It’s never easy with these guys is it? They gave us just enough Thanksgiving hope to make us think this season wasn’t already over. A shockingly weak Atlantic Division was the gravy beside a turkey of early winter belief. Well maybe send a check for it to Josh Allen because I don’t know if our hope is coming from this team or if it’s a biproduct of the football team’s success. Even when it’s close, even when they force it into overtime, this hockey club drags us hard. Tyler Myers gets a two-point night including a go-ahead goal? This game felt like it was being written for us; written in just a way to give us the full range of emotions. We got the former Sabres scoring, we got Marcus Johansson scoring a goal to resurrect himself, we got Victor Olofsson being the hero we knew in October and getting a powerplay goal! We even got an OT winner… that was iced as the football kickers say! It was a drama, a dramatic tragedy. These guys could’ve gotten two points tonight, but they had to settle for one. Hey, at the end of the day the regular season is like a good streaming show. Every episode has its moments and the overarching narratives are what keep you coming back. The Sabres current overarching narrative is a Jack Eichel point streak that has now reached twelve games straight! That’s the longest of his career and accompanied by some pretty stellar gifs out of this one. Speaking of coming back, how about those Canucks jerseys? I got confused at times because at a quick glance they look like the Sabres primary home jerseys. So the Canucks actually wore two throwback jerseys begging the question why the Sabres… nope, okay I’m going to resist the urge to distract from this game. It was actually rather fun if I say so myself.

This team is resistant to making it easy. It’s funny to say that two games removed from demolishing the New Jersey Devils but throughout it’s rare to see a complete performance from these guys. The Sabres went in ebbs and flow for the whole first period but it was more ebbs than flows if you know what I mean. Right after a decent stretch of O-Zone time Jordie Benn the angry leprechaun airmailed a puck into the neutral zone where Josh Leivo managed to out-maneuver his guy and go in on Hutton to draw first blood. The Canucks were dominating in every category except 5 on 5 high danger scoring chances in the first and even that was 50/50. I don’t think I’d want to say the home team could’ve scored even more in the first but it was another less than stellar period for Buffalo. The Jake McCabe – Zach Bogosian pairing was so terrible I’d like to rant about it but that feels like beating a dead horse at this point. I do trust Krueger to rotated Colin Miller back in, I do not however trust Jason Botterill to move the piece necessary to allow him to ice the best D-Core. That debate is a little too tired for a Saturday night though. I’d rather roast those ugly V jersey throwbacks the Canucks wore for warmups. Meh, I’ll save it for the P.S.

The second period wasn’t as bad. It did however start with the visitation of the ghost of Christmases past. Vancouver was buzzing around Hutton when a Tyler Myers move drew Hutton a little further out of his net that you probably want. Antoine Roussel took advantage and put them up 2-0. More on Mr. Myers later. Mere minutes later Johan Larsson had the puck behind Thatcher Demko in the Vancouver net and put out front for a charging Kyle Okposo. Okposo, back surprisingly quickly from another concussion, snuck that one in, 2-1 Canucks. That response felt big and it was only amplified two minutes later when Rasmus Ristolainen got a quick pass from Victor Olofsson on a Vancouver delayed penalty. He launched one of his trademark rockets we might hopefully miss real soon and suddenly the game was tied. This was a very encouraging chain of events after the comeback came too late in Calgary the other night. This time we were treated to some real fun hockey for a little bit: back and forth and wow, isn’t it nice when our team doesn’t suck or rock, they just entertain us?

As soon as that thought was ticking through my head Josh Leivo struck again. It was a neutral zone turnover courtesy of Marco Scandella and this time Elias Pettersson was involved. Once again, there was some comeback in Buffalo and finally a powerplay goal by way of Mr. October Powerplay Victor Olofsson. It was a pretty one-timer too within the last minute of the middle frame. It would be 3-3 going into the third period and the script writing unto this point was interesting, it felt like we were due for something really trash or really nice in the third act. Turns out we got both. On a play that started all the way back in their own zone, Tyler Myers and JT Miller come streaking in on Hutton and Miller gives Myers a gorgeous assist to slam in a real banger, 4-3 Canucks… wait for it… shorthanded! That’s some real trash, friends. Does that feel bad? Well how about another for Antoine Roussel, 5-3, guess whose an all-star now? Make it happen Vancouver, you can vote nine times a day! Now, here’s something to ponder: What if I told you 2014 NHL All-Star Zemgus Girgensons would play into yet another comeback? Funny joke, eh? This is a comedy, but it’s based on a true story like Tag. LOL. Yeah, Girgensons did it at 12:05 of the third period and once again made it a one goal game. Keep it close guys! Hell, you can win it too if you want! Unfortunately this entertainment was not a comedy… if it was it was a dark one. No, this was a tragedy when all was said and done.

The seven remaining minutes of regulation were not without excitement. Pettersson almost scored a true slapper for the ages and the boys wearing blue (not Vancouver because remember, they’re wearing those awful black skate jerseys) kicked into gear for the late equalizer. In the last five minutes or so Buffalo really found their stride forcing the Canucks to only have the option of icing it to get a break. With 58 seconds left Marcus Johansson gets the puck way out at the blueline and rips a shot through the woods and five hole to find the equalizer. Skinner-Johansson-Asplund is a sneaky good line. Weirdly enough Johansson has been the worst part of it lately so hopefully this big goal gets him going again. I’ll be honest I’d feel a little wronged as a Canucks fan. The refs called this game with endless penalties for Vancouver. It was almost like these refs really wanted to see how bad our powerplay is. This one was settled in OT. This overtime period was weird AF. Henri Jokiharju got called for tripping a Canuck and effectively iced a Jack Eichel game winning goal. I’m not saying it was unfair seeing it back again but perhaps the refs felt they had some making up to do. OT Powerplays are cardiac experiences. Jack Hughes almost scored a dozen times before JT Miller scored a high rocket Hutton couldn’t get his glove to. 6-5 OT Loss, the Sabres were in it the whole time and got a point for it but, damn that felt like an opportunity missed. It’s never easy, even when it’s fun.

I think the hockey gods took umbridge with my suggestion the Sabres could get 4 out of 6 points on this trip. Between the embarrassing 45 or so minutes in Calgary and the final result tonight in Vancouver we’ve got two points… and I kinda feel that maybe it for us before the next time we see them at home. Have you seen Conor McDavid lately? Hell, have you seen Leon Draisaitl lately? If the game Buffalo wins on this trip is Edmonton I am going to look like a real clown. If it happens though I will be proudly making balloon animals. Like, comment and share this blog. For us bloggers there are no loser points in engaging our readers. Maybe tonight respond to this post with an emoji describing how this game made you feel. Do a whole a dramatic tragedy with emojis! I’m feeling festive. With tomorrow’s lineup of games for Buffalo teams it will be incredible of we get one win out of our teams this weekend. Let’s Go Buffalo!

Thanks for Reading.

P.S. Okay so the Canucks have never had a good jersey. However the Skate jersey and the flying V are a special kind of tacky. If aliens had to represent visually what popular culture was in the 1980s they could really just show that ugly rag.

#buffalo sabres #Hockey #blog #NHL

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jordaninacan · 5 years

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Late Night Thoughts

Hi everyone! It certainly has been a long time since I last posted an update but I have been on a social media blackout for my mental health's sake. It is currently 11:36 PM as I type this and I wanted to share some raw thoughts

I have been here in Guyana for over a year now and it is a huge milestone. I have 13 months to go and it seems both exciting and daunting. There is a well known down point in a Peace Corps Volunteer's service known as the "Mid-Service Crisis." This is a point where we realize we still have a year to go after already putting 14 months in. And I'll be honest, I see it hitting me kinda hard. It has already set in a bit with the school term being done for the summer until September.

I don't have much to do and I find myself bored and seeking things to occupy my time and mind with. This has accentuated my longing for those I miss back home even more. I have been trying to fix some character flaws of mine and do some self improvement. It is hard sometimes as hold habits die hard. I hope to return a better version of myself. But in order to do that I need to confront myself and make the necessary changes for myself and others. I'm trying. And I'll succeed. A lot that I care about depends on it.

Life is smooth here for the most part. But other times it can be very difficult. The isolation I feel at times can be debilitating. I'll stimulate myself with reading, creative writing, downloaded movies, a walk in the neighborhood, but ultimately I am running out of things to do and occupy myself with that doesn't feel redundant and the next four weeks are gonna be especially hard I can feel it.

But I won't quit. I have some real flaws. But being a quitter is not one of them. I just hope I can get through this hard part to coast through the next year of my service happily and then I'll be home to celebrate with all of you that I love and miss.

Sorry for the depressing monologue. I just wanted to give whoever happens to read this a peek into my late night thoughts. They weren't kidding when they said Peace Corps is the hardest job you will ever love.

Stay fresh everybody,

-JT

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credulouskhaleesi · 6 years

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The Story of My Demise: How Not To Think With Your Pussy, A Memoir

Here it goes ladies & gents! The start of my first Bill Skarsgärd fic and my first fic in many many moons!

Here is the prologue. I am not sure if anyone can sit through my n00bish writing and possible grammatical errors, so you the people shall get an opportunity to tell me whether you think I should continue!

Warnings: Sexual themes, Cheating, Language, Smut. If this series continues there will be some female on male domestic violence (mental, physical, and emotional and of course I will include a TW beforehand) and possible kinks introduced in future chapters

Pairings: Bill x reader, future Valter x reader, maybe a few surprise alternative pairings with other Skarsgärd men in the future, because I’m a crazy freak like that.

Author’s note: I have no affiliation or relationship with any members of the Skarsgärd family or their significant others. All acts and situations are only a figment of my overactive imagination and any likeness to the non-fictional characters involved are only a mere coincidence.

Also.... I tagged everyone who specifically asked to be tagged in my previous post, I apologize for the long wait! I also tagged a few Bill Skarsgärd blogs as well who liked my post. If you wish your tag be removed, please let me know. If you wish to be tagged in future chapters, please make me aware of this as well. :) And sorry for the shitty title lol, it was the best I could come up with before I posted this and didn’t want y’all waiting any longer.

@rainbowmoosie @whatin-skarsgardnation @billdreamy69 @skarswhat @mypersonalrambling @mommaesworld @billiam-skarsgard @billgardskars @billloverskarsgard69

P -FUCKING- S, one of you lovely OG writers should show me how to partially hide my story with the whole “read more” thing, so I’m not completely taking over everyone’s dash. I’m sorry I am absolutely clueless and tried to figure it out for myself and miserably failed. So thanks so much in advance if anyone wants to DM me and give me a quick how-to. (I learn quick, I promise!!!)

Word Count: 2,006

The Story of My Demise: How Not To Think With Your Pussy, A Memoir.

PROLOGUE

The heart is deceitful above all things. Most commonly known from an ‘excerpt’ or a ‘scripture’ from the King James’ version of the bible. I was never religious, but I learned the phrase from the title of a gritty film I watched when I was a teenager, based off a novel by JT LeRoy. To me, it had nothing to do with all the above. It just meant that I was a glutton for punishment and that the heart wants what the heart wants. I understand that this may sound a little vague to those who don't know me, don't know what I've done, and don't know where I've been; but the truth is, I still can't even put into words how all of this came to be.

How I could seduce a man I never in my wildest dreams could see myself meeting, let alone having him in my bed more than several months at a time. But shit happens, right? Fuck yes it does, and only to me. I really should be thinking positive at this time and look at the silver lining among the shitstorm I got myself into, but I just can’t seem to hack it. Sure, I made some stupid mistakes due to admiration and lust. But I still won in the end. I’m not alone like I feared and have feared since I pushed Bill away from me, and now I have someone who thinks the sun shines right out of my ass. And a bonus: He is surprisingly good at eating my ass as well. The only problem is this new man might hit too close to home for a certain someone and things will certainly get ‘live’ as fuck if this new relationship comes to the surface. Especially, and most importantly, when Bill is informed of who my new beau is.

Nevertheless, I will not continue rambling on and moping about my first world problems, and I feel it is only fair if I introduce myself and start from the beginning. I am going to keep my identity vague for now as a promise to my current boyfriend. If shit blows up and anyone reads this, I could greatly compromise his career and the relationship he has with his family. So I guess I will give you a few tidbits of myself and start with ‘The Story Of My Demise: How Not To Think With Your Pussy, A Memoir”. I grew up in a state that is technically in the Midwest, but isn’t called nor considered the ‘Midwest’, ya dig? I am a licensed cosmetologist and MUA (stands for Make Up Artist) and have finally made a name for myself after a grueling 3 weeks of unemployment after beauty school (Obviously I am not known as the patient type). The number of clientele I had was insane after I finally landed a job at a local salon. I was the hit stylist, and within 3 months I was able to quit and expand myself to become a freelance stylist. I did everything from hair shows, wedding makeup, and even had an amazing gig where I was called in to help with makeup for extras on the set of producer/actress Jessica Biel’s new series, ‘The Sinner’. I was a busy bee and felt like I was constantly on my feet and constantly working. I hadn’t been on a real date in 7 months and hadn’t been in a relationship for twice as long. I felt like it was time that I take a relaxing long break before I had a stress-related meltdown. It was a hard decision but I would force myself to repeat this borrowed mantra so I wouldn’t back out: “Check yoself before you wreck yoself”. So I knew it was time.

I wanted to go to a place where anyone knew me and where I know I would have the support I needed to relax and ignore the trivial bullshit that my brain and life ecstatically threw at me from time to time. I decided to visit and stay with my grandma in Toronto. I always loved Canada and would 100% be on board to moving out there with Grams if it wasn’t for the damn cold. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the snow and my home state got a fair amount of it as well; and to me snow was absolutely ethereal, immaculate, and calming. It made everything so silent and shrouded the roads, buildings, and trees with a film of crystalized innocence. The cold long temperatures however, can ever so kindly suck a long veiny dick. Who would’ve thunk that I would be doing that exact thing tonight? All while trying to acclimate myself to the slightly uncomfortable temperatures as Toronto neared the Autumn season.

Before paying Grams a visit, I did only what tradition called for every time I landed in Toronto Pearson International airport. It was frigid as fuck when I left the airport with my luggage in tow, and I decided to treat myself to an upscale hotel (that shall not be named). I only found it fair to my post-landing drinking tradition if I enjoyed the hotel’s lavish drinking fountain to quench my thirst and soothe my chill. I quickly booked my room, let valet handle my bags and made a b-line to the hotel’s bar & grille. There was a patio that overlooked Toronto and even though I knew I would freeze my ass off, I desperately needed nicotine in my system. I ordered a Long Island Iced Tea and while I waited for the bartender to complete and serve me my order, I aimlessly looked through my Tumblr dashboard. Naturally, it was full of Bill Skarsgärd, Valter Skarsgärd, Gustaf Skarsgärd, and Alexander Skarsgärd (notice a trend here?)? As well as various memes, Game of Thrones, and the occasional NSFW blog. I sighed and smiled at the recent Comic Con videos and pics of Bill. I knew there was a chance that he was out here filming, and I wasn’t a stalker by any means, but damn, it would be a dream and a half if I could just meet him.

The bartender placed my drink on a coaster, I tipped the kind man, and left for the patio. The night sky was mesmerizing, and the patio banter and ambiance was calming. Everyone spoke in hushed voices and all seemed like they were enjoying their night. I was used to my fellow Americans getting a bit loud and rowdy at this time of night, but it all felt very serene and classy here and I could sense a warmth overcoming my body. Or it could be the fact that I had shaken myself from casting stereotypical aspersions on my home country and have spotted something I can only explain as a mirage or hallucination. It was mother fucking Bill Skarsgärd in the mother fucking flesh, smoking a mother fucking cigarette and staring at his phone with a depressing, solemn fucking look. I was shaking like a Chihuahua. I always assumed I would behave this way and I always tried to coach myself to a better confrontation with the sexy Swede. But what were the odds? How the hell and when the hell would I expect for this to happen again? Fuck it! I stood up and started to walk towards him and of course spilled my drink all over the patio chair I was sitting on. Luckily not a single drop touched me, and my Swedish king (that I was certainly not obsessed with), was still glued to his phone and looked like he was nearly in tears.

That alone caused me to brush off my embarrassment and head over to console my pouty prince. I walked over with mock confidence, casually lit my cigarette and glanced at him. I was only 3 feet away from him and knew I had to open my dumb mouth to start some sort of conversation. At this point I think I was hoping the outcome of this encounter would lead to a selfie or autograph, little did I know, this was not the time or the place. Bill glanced at me, his sage eyes looking more like emeralds as he was on the brink of tears. He tossed his head back to finish the last of his Guinness and returned to texting on his phone. I had to console this broken angel.

“Hey ar-are you ok?”, I asked in a way to show concern but also to conceal the fact that I was a crazy fan and knew exactly who he was. He took a drag of his cigarette, turned to look at me again, and then turned his gaze to the sparkling night sky. I knew exactly what he was doing. Trying to hold back the tears, as I have done myself plenty of times before. “Look I know you don’t know me, but….”

“No I’m having an absolute shit night tonight to be honest”, he finally responded and then shifted his body and attention towards me. I tried not to show how badly I was shaking while smoking my cigarette. This man looked like a complete sex god in person and he seemed to be in a bad place. From what I knew of him, he was dating a Swedish actress named Alana whose father had money and occasionally did cooking shows. She was pregnant with Bill’s baby and seemed like she had a slight fault of immaturity, I inferred, based on her mysterious social media presence here and there. And the bitch couldn’t act to save her life. At least two minutes passed before any of us spoke again. Bill then finally elaborated, “I’m having girlfriend problems I guess. I normally don’t speak on my personal issues like this, but fuck, I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong anymore. I just want to throw in the towel but it will make me look like a selfish fucking monster undeserving of being called a man.” My heart nearly broke. How the hell would anyone treat this cinnamon roll any less than the sex king he is?! I decided to inquire some more, “Well, wh-what’s going on? Is she not having sex with you anymore? Cheating on you? Is she abusive?” Bill subtly smirked and did not respond. He instead slid his way along the balcony rail on his forearms to where I was leaning, to get closer to me and toasted his empty glass to my empty (spilled from earlier) glass of beer. This poor man was a little more than tipsy and was leaning to his left in my direction to support his swaying long body and it was a good thing he had long strong limbs to hold himself up. He then broke the silence once more, “Heyyy you’re such a good listener. That is all I really want honestly. I’m a simple man, with little to no wants or needs and I do back-breaking shit for her happiness only to get shit on and manipulated.”

I looked into his eyes as I frowned and sighed. I took the chance to empathetically rub his shoulder, a gesture I was surprised I had the gall to make. He then quickly leaned with an earnestness I knew all too well from my past experiences with men. I could smell the alcohol and cigarettes on his breath, it mingled with an expensive cologne and I couldn’t help but be incredibly obvious and slowly checked out his entire lofty length and immaculate facial features. Suddenly I was unable to breathe. A gasp is all I could let out once he pulled away from kissing me. It all happened so fast.He followed the kiss with a softer peck on my neck and softly whispered the number to his hotel room. The same fucking hotel room we are currently drinking at, the same fucking hotel room that I am staying. And get this: This Swedish God was only 3 doors down.

#Bill Skarsgård #bill skarsgard fanfics #bill skarsgard #bill skarsgård fanfics #bill skarsgard smut #bill skarsgård smut #bill skarsgard fanfiction #bill skarsgärd fanfiction #valter skarsgård smut #smut #writing #first in awhile #prologue #cheating fics #cheating bill #seductress #tw: cheating

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maryellencarter · 6 years

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memed from @camshaft22 , originally an askbox meme but it's short enough that i can just have opinions at all of it rather than waiting to have the free time to get out of the house and answer asks. (i still have at least a few askmeme questions sitting in my inbox from like a month or two ago... :P)

1. do you find force users or non-force users more interesting? -- non-force users by a mile. there could theoretically be exceptions, like if anybody really got deeply into alternate perceptions / interpretations of the force rather than just kind of toeing the jedi party line as established in the movies, but i haven't seen any that really grab me.

2. which character do you want to be most like? -- oh, now there's a hell of a question. both this and the next one, really. see, let's start at the beginning: when i was a very smol tortoise watching a star war, and by smol i mean like eighteen because that's when i first saw a star war... when i was a smol, i wanted to be han solo (not least because he was hot in a very conventionally masculine way, do not underestimate the importance of that to a smol afab tortoise programmed with much body-loathing ;P), but i identified a lot more with chewbacca. i mean, let's be honest, i was not in great psychological shape as a tiny, and this particular oddment is something i'm still very much sorting out, but: from tiny!jt's perspective, at least, han+chewie is a nonromantic primary relationship that gets displaced by the han/leia primary romantic relationship. but it's still (from anything you see onscreen in the ot) primary *to chewie* even after it becomes secondary to han. that kind of nonreciprocal primary relationship, tagging around after someone who would let me express that kind of devotion and not find it creepy even after they inevitably found a "real", romantic relationship that would be more important to them than me, was the best endgame i could imagine for myself, and frankly i felt like it was way too much to hope for within my own species. i may have spent rather a while wishing i was a dog or something, so that it would be acceptable and appropriate for me to want the most important relationship in my life to be nonromantic. tiny!jt was a *mess*. this was way before i got into fandom, so i didn't really work through it at all or write it down anywhere, either.

uh. that got long. continued under the next question.

3. which character are you actually most like? -- so anyway. yeah. to continue. then i found my way into legends (then still the eu but yanno) and the x-wing books. and then there was wes. ^_^ it would be several more years before i even figured out i *had* ptsd, but here was somebody who had ptsd that presented almost exactly like mine but was also stable and functional and not-depressed and in fact actually cheerful. not to mention he was *also* hot and male and most importantly human, but still showed the kind of undemanding loyalty i was aiming towards, and had it accepted.

(which last is partly because wedge is an oblivious noodle, but still. ^_^ honestly that's probably something to analyze when i'm not one-finger typing on my phone: how much of that kind of relationship being a goal for me is just me being wired kind of subby, and how much is the abuse thing where asking for any kind of emotional reciprocation is Wrong and Too Much. :P)

uh. i had a point here somewhere. um. so i wanted to grow up to be wes, but i didn't think that was an attainable goal. i felt sort of more like wedge with the duty and guilt and everything, but wedge is also way more of a leader than i am, so that's a thing. honestly there was a point there where i felt most like cheriss, just kind of... trying to grow up and dealing with a whole bunch of life shit and intermittently wanting to die a lot. ;P

and now apparently i *am* growing up to be wes and i'm still not sure what to do with that, besides writing a lot of fanfic (which is what i am doing). and trying to figure out the whole subby brain thing. and the executive dysfunction thing. and the not wanting leadership positions thing. and still working on the ptsd thing. and the self-esteem thing. there's a lot.

i'm less wedge, though. which is good. less catholic guilt is always nice.

4. what headcanon will you defend to the death? -- er. i'm not really sure i have any of those. as opposed to just canon things i will make sure people remember and acknowledge. maybe the hoth cuddle pile? you will never convince me the rogues on hoth did not sleep in a giant cuddle pile.

5. what planet would you most like to visit? -- i frankly don't know enough about star wars planets to give a shit.

6. what planet would you most like to live on? -- ditto. not taanab, for sure. mini rancors (and possibly 46-hour days if you don't just disdain that as illogical made-up numbers they threw into the planet guide for variety's sake... ;P I have opinions)

7. who do you hope you never meet? -- of the characters? pretty much any of the bad guys, but my first thought is vader.

8. what is one thing you would change about any movie, show, book, etc? -- ahahahahaaaaaaa. just one? i can't pick. can i say fix all the things about tlj that made me go "okay never watching that"? because there were at least four or five just among the spoilers that i heard. like if it had to be just one i'd make it so poe doesn't disregard chain of command, because that's the one that's making it so i can't rewatch tfa *either*, but from everything i hear, that movie was a hot mess. (alternatively, can i just change the fandom so that people stop saying "if you don't love tlj unquestioningly you're a reddit douchebro!"? because i don't want to unfollow roguepod on twitter but unless i block literally everyone *they* follow there's no way for me to keep that particular Hot Take off my dash and it's consistently re-infuriating me. :P)

uh. i have feelings, apparently. ;P

9. have you ever made fanart or fanfic? do you make edits or any other fan content? -- so much fanfic. so much. i counted last night and just the fics i haven't published yet add up to somewhere around 80k words.

10. do you think the jedi were right or wrong? -- i think the jedi were self-important douchenozzles with a habit of being wrong whenever the plot demanded it. is this a reference to something specific they were right or wrong about? i don't think they have the one true view of the force, and i think they're obnoxious about thinking they do, much like many other religions, so there's that.

11. who is the most underrated character? -- new canon, finn. or rose, possibly, not that i've seen her, because see above re hot mess. old canon, hobbie.

12. do you care who rey’s parents are? -- honestly, i'm at the point in dealing with an open canon where i cannot give fuck about any of the unanswered questions, the upcoming releases, or anything that might happen in the future at all. i haven't even read thrawn alliances. i am Over It, and that is about 99% the fault of the people who keep calling me a reddit douchebro by association. i probably won't see epIX unless kat or sophia tells me i absolutely have to. i'm a legends-only fan at this point. i didn't want to be, i like getting excited about new things, but every time i try it, people are douchewaffles and it's depressing. :P

13. if you could resurrect one dead character, or prevent them from dying, who would it be? -- new canon, hobbie. old canon, there are so damn many options, but probably mara or pellaeon.

14. what is your favorite alien species? -- i'm not sure i actually have an opinion. i have lots of favorite alien characters but like... idek. star wars has a bunch of really well designed alien species and they're all cool.

15. who would you like to bang? -- honestly i don't really care about banging any of the characters. shipping them is more fun. although i would let princess general leia step on me, whether in a sexy way or not.

16. which movie/episode have you watched the most? -- probably anh. the falcon's flying sfx aren't as good as in esb, but if you watch esb without rotj it's just a downer, and i don't really enjoy rotj. like it just doesn't click with me.

17. what is your favorite line? -- uh. from the movies, or from all the star war? uh. either way that's a hell of a question. the one i quote the most from the movies is definitely "we're all fine here, how are you?", but that's more just... versatile. from the books, my favorite is obviously one of allston's, but i'm not sure i could *pick*.

18. what is your favorite star wars book or comic? -- starfighters of adumar. because it is the best one. objectively. ^_^

19. what’s your opinion on legends/expanded universe? -- i'm extremely glad it isn't canon anymore (see also my issues with open canons, but also a significant amount of it was just trash) and extremely glad it's still around.

20. what do you hope will happen in future movies? -- i have no hope. hope is dead. i am, as previously mentioned, Over It. (let oscar isaac kiss john boyega onscreen)

21. if you could switch any character’s gender, who would it be and why? -- in canon? no. there's no point in turning a lady character into a dude, and neither the creators nor the fans are capable of handling anyone who's currently a dude being written as a lady or nb type, even if it was retroactive and they'd always been written that way. just no. it would go Badly. :P

that said. in fanfic? and i am so not capable of writing this yet but i want to. in like five years when we're all living in caves scratching our fanfics on bone. i want to see a cis afab wes janson who just hasn't internalized any of those lessons about not taking up space. who's still brash and loud and enthusiastic and flirtatious and just... female. who doesn't feel any need to explain that she doesn't (or does) want kids, or acknowledge anybody else's opinion about how she dresses or who she fucks. who's smart and badass and competent and out to have fun. and like... *pulls hair* i mean you know the trope. a sexy lady character who knows she's sexy will pretty much always at least consider sleeping her way to the top or whatever. (tim zahn, seriously, stop using that trope. it's not edgy.) i want to see lady!wes dressing up all fancy because it's fun and she enjoys having people admire her body, and like just... not even considering ever having sex for any other reason than "i am attracted to that person, i wonder if they'd like to bang". like it's hard to demonstrate a negative but you know if you read a story like that, where it wasn't called out but just there, your brain would go all fidgety and "what the fuck something is not normal here". or at least mine would. but you know? :S apparently i have a lot of feelings about this too. like trying to portray a lady who's that confident and... and undamaged by misogyny, would be a hell of a thing.

22. favorite droid? -- bb-8. the cutest smol. target has a kit to turn a pumpkin into a bb-8 and i swear i'm thinking about getting a funkin to do that to. even though i already have a bb-8 penny bank and a bb-8 lanyard in storage.

23. what’s your favorite star wars musical piece or theme? -- i'm not great at identifying pieces of music so i'm just gonna go with the opening crawl music.

24. how do you pronounce twi’lek? -- i don't. ^_^ more specifically, i do kind of pronounce it in my head when i read, but it's sort of... neither twee-lek nor twye-lek, but something sort of in between that isn't quite a schwa and might involve an umlaut. Sort of Twülek, if you said it with an Austrian accent. That probably doesn't help at all. XD

25. which character do you have a love/hate relationship with? -- This keeps being a question. I'm honestly not sure I *do* love-hate relationships. I'm like Tinkerbell, I only have room for one emotion at a time. ^_^ Especially with fictional characters, I either love them or hate them. (Unless they're completely meh and I just forget about them, that happens sometimes.)

#star wars #rogue squadron #wes janson #i have a lot of feelings #im not sure if i should tag this as tlj critical or not #like it is but i dont want to draw the people who lurk in that sort of tag

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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 4 years

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Episode 13: Wait and Hope

Here are my thoughts

SPOILERS AHEAD

1:00 - I love this scene. I know it’s all in Martin’s head but I really wish Malcolm was this honest with Martin all the time. Plus it shows that Martin is aware, on some level, that he’s been hurting Malcolm for years.

2:19 - Okay. A couple of things here: 1) Something about having Under Pressure play right now is genius. It’s fun yet truthful. 2) Listening to Mr. David and Martin’s exchange is really interesting to me. It’s almost like Mr. David is friends with Martin. I mean Mr. David is being way nicer than a professional respect requires. AND 3) Watching Tom Payne do planks/yoga is very attractive. Dang.

3:00 - So, we get a close up of 5 thin, tall pill bottles here. In about 4 seconds, when Malcolm is throwing pills into his mouth we will see 4 pill bottles of varying heights and thicknesses. So one of two things is happening 1) these scenes weren’t filmed on the same day and someone in the props department goofed or 2) Malcolm takes 9 different pill bottles worth of meds and this is just round two. BUT considering the 4 bottles of varying thicknesses reappear when Jessica shows up - I’m going to assume this is some minor on-set goof that they figured no fan would be neurotic enough to care about. They were wrong. I care deeply. In fact - I really want to know exactly what pills Malcolm takes.

3:11 - So is Malcolm’s fridge empty because he just got out of the hospital? Because there was definitely food in there during 1x5 when he made grilled cheese with Dani. And there were frozen foods in his freezer in 1x8. Does Jessica stock the fridge/freezer? Is that why there’s usually food? Because it’s cannon that Malcolm doesn’t eat much... I’m way too invested in the contents of Malcolm’s fridge. Furthermore - I love the fact that Malcolm reaches for a handful of of licorices from that massive container - it’s just weird enough to be completely endearing and totally in character for Malcolm. It implies that there is no other dry, perishable foods in his loft - because you know, he could’ve eaten some dry-cereal or instant oatmeal here. But nope. The boy goes for candy. Why do I love this dysfunctional lunatic? He can barely keep himself alive.

3:21 - I love that Malcolm watches Ainsley’s reports like a Good Big Brother. I mean, given Malcolm’s job, he probably would watch the news daily regardless of who was reporting it. But there’s something just so sweet about the fact that he watches Ainsley instead of any of the other reporters. Ugh - something about it just warms my cold, dead soul.

3:41 - hahahaha Ok. We all love the white suit because it’s weird, funny as hell, and just the right amount of attractive - but why does no one talk about the shoes? Malcolm isn’t wearing socks. He’s become one of those hipster dudes who wear fancy shoes without socks. I’m loving it. ALSO why is no one admiring Jessica? This woman is so extra that she knows her grown-ass son’s suit measurements and goes to buy him a suit that fits perfectly without his knowledge. Then she forces him to wear the white suit out of the house. It’s just. Wow. I love her.

3:50 - I love that Jessica totally only bought that suit for Malcolm because she didn’t think he would be caught dead anywhere near the precinct in it.

4:09 - Check out the look that Malcolm gives Jessica here. He’s sad. He’s sad and feeling guilty that he’s worrying his mother. That’s why he put on the ridiculous suit for her. That’s why he’s not getting mad at her for waltzing into his apartment unannounced (again). That’s why he’s letting her fuss over of him. Because he wants to make her feel better.

4:28 - This. This is why Jessica is being extra. She knows that if Malcolm is left alone he will skip his flight in order to achieve a “staycation in New York”. And if he takes a staycation he will inevitably end up hanging out at the precinct; working. She’s being extra but it’s justified - she’s trying to ensure that Malcolm takes care of himself. She said it herself - she doesn’t need him to love her, she just needs him alive. Right now - Malcolm is scaring her because she’s not so sure he wants to live. She’s not an idiot, she knows that Malcolm won’t take care of himself unless she literally removes him from the country, effectively taking away all of his opportunities to work. So. She. Does.

4:31 - Soooo is no one going to talk about the fact that Jessica is pushing Malcolm out the door - with luggage - while his meds are sitting on his counter?!? Has she checked that he has meds packed in secondary containers? Just seems like something that Jessica would stress about, especially in Malcolm’s current mental state.

4:46 - I love this. Jessica called Gil to come and pick up Malcolm. The one person she knows Malcolm won’t fight about his vacation. He’ll whine but he won’t fight Gil - not after their fight last episode. This also implies that Gil and Jessica had a long discussion about forcing Malcolm to take a vacation due to his current mental state. They totally had a parenting conversation about their grown-ass child and I am living for it. I also want to hear it.

4:54 - I’m not sure we’ve seen Gil this happy since he greeted Malcolm during the pilot. It’s precious. When Gil says he’s proud of Malcolm I’m pretty sure my heart grew two sizes. Why can’t we have more soft moments like this?

5:00 - This scene in the car is awesome. Malcolm is pouting like a petulant child and Gil is doing everything in his power to convince Malcolm this vacation will be good for him. It reminds me of a parent trying to get their toddler to eat vegetables.

5:06 - “We all just want you to be happy.” Did you hear that? It’s the sound of my heart racing with joy. Malcolm looks confused and hurt after Gil says it. Almost like he’s not sure how to be happy or who this “we” includes. Gil can see right through it - look at the concern on his face.

5:15 - hahaha When Malcolm hears the word “DOA” his face lights up like a Christmas tree and Gil’s contorts with annoyance. You can almost hear an Gil think “This is why we can’t have nice things” in an exasperated voice....also it is JT’s voice on the radio right?

5:22 - I love how Gil caves here. He starts the conversation stern but you can see that the minute that Malcolm says “I’m taking care of myself” he starts to waver. Even though you can tell that Gil knows Malcolm is lying through his teeth it’s the sincere desperation and hope in Malcolm’s eyes that make Gil cave.

6:04 - haha this is so great. I love watching Dani and JT tease Malcolm because a) it’s funny but b) it’s making Malcolm happy. Look at Malcolm’s smiles. He’s so happy to be included in this banter and he knows they’re teasing him out of love rather than hatred. Plus look at how amused Gil looks watching his kids interact. ALSO - side note - JT’s outfits are awesome in this episode.

6:45 - Can we all just take a minute to appreciate how far JT and Malcolm’s relationship has come? JT couldn’t stand Malcolm in 1x1. Now they’re casually squatting next to each other talking about guns. JT even looks impressed when Malcolm mentions owning a gun like the one they’re looking at. You can see that this conversation will continue later. JT wants to know more about Malcolm’s weapon collection. My heart is full.

6:47 - Edrisa teasing Bright is a real turning point for her character. It’s hilarious. Plus, watching how amused JT, Gil, and Dani are at Malcolm’s expense is awesome BUT 1x1 Edrisa would’ve never made jokes like this about Malcolm. She’s getting over her school girl crush and their relationship is developing past professional and into friendship. I’m a fan.

7:14 - How much time has passed since the end of 1x12? Malcolm looks a lot better than he did last episode. He looks happier, more relaxed, way less manic....and you know, no cast on his hand.

7:18 - Look at Gil when Malcolm says “The Tale of Monte Cristo”. That’s a look of recognition. Gil knows that Malcolm loved that book. I want to know why. We know that Martin was the one to read the book to Malcolm. In about ten minutes Gil will ask Malcolm to tell him about the plot because Gil doesn’t seem to be familiar with it. Did Gil watch a mute Malcolm read it countless times after Martin’s arrest? How does Gil know that Malcolm loves this book?

7:55 - Look at Malcolm’s face when Gil tells him that he’s still going on vacation. He looks so annoyed at the fact that Gil is going to take away his fun. I almost feel bad for him - but Gil is right, our boy needs a vacation.

8:00 - I don’t care if it’s crazy that Malcolm would hear the click of the landmine and react before our US armed forces veteran JT. I don’t care if it’s insane that the whole room didn’t blow up while shaky hands was holding the unstable landmine. I don’t care that there is no way JT got that vest on Malcolm without having Malcolm accidentally trigger the mind. I don’t even care that the fact that Malcolm answers his phone without blowing up is ridiculous. I love this scene. It’s amazing.

8:24 - Look at how panicked and scared everyone is. Look at how our sweet, neurotic Edrisa takes charge of her medical staff - this is a side of her I’d like to see more of. Check out the fear present in Gil, JT, and Dani. They’re not scared for themselves - they’re scared for Malcolm.

8:40 - Gil’s fury and concern here are perfect. He’s scared out of his mind that everyone in the room is going to blow up but he’s still present enough to be pissed that Malcolm is making jokes about his own life. Even though Malcolm often uses humour as a way to mask his pain and fear. It’s just confirming Gil’s belief that Malcolm’s mental health is in shambles, that Malcolm needs a vacation, and that Malcolm is seriously depressed right now.

8:43 - Malcolm’s brave mask is slipping. He’s looking more and more scared as this scene progresses. Look at the utter disbelief and horror on Dani, JT, and Gil’s faces when Malcolm suggests that they all leave him to die. They know he’s in a bad place mentally but they’re still shocked that he’s being so caviler about the importance of his life. They’re horrified that Malcolm still doesn’t truly understand how important he is to their team.

9:00 - Are JT, Gil, and Dani even processing what Malcolm is saying? They all look so shocked and concerned that Malcolm is still trying to talk about the case when he’s literally holding a live mine that I’m pretty sure they aren’t truly processing to Malcolm’s words. But seriously, look at the terror and concern in their eyes. It’s heartbreaking.

9:20 - Look at the way that Gil has to lead Dani out of the room. She’s frozen in panic and fear. Gil sees it and thinks “Oh hell no. I’m not losing 2 kids today.”

9:26 - Malcolms eyes here. That is mania. That is terror. That is the beginning of a panic attack. My heart is breaking but I’m also living for the whump.

9:34 - More proof that Malcolm is suicidal. He thinks he’s going to die but he picks up a call from his serial killing, manipulative father who has, for all intents and purposes, scarred Malcolm and emotionally abused him? Yo. That’s not right. ....but I will say that the fact that Under Pressure starts playing again does something good to my heart.

9:49 - More proof that Martin is a monster. His son tells him that he’s holding a live mine and Martin is more excited than concerned. Hell - Mr. David looks more concerned about Malcolm than Martin does. It takes a minute for Martin to realize that Malcolm might die. I will give Martin some credit here - once the realization sets in he does look a little scared that his son might die. Once again, I’m having a hard time figuring out if Martin actually cares about his son.

10:33 - He. Jumps. Out. A. Window. What a move.

10:48 - I love the team’s reaction to Malcolm falling on the Le Mans. They all look concerned about Malcolm BUT they also each have different secondary reactions. JT looks impressed. Gil looks like he can’t figure out if he’s panicking more over his car or his kid. Dani just looks shocked.

11:00 - That’s pure unfiltered relief on the team’s faces when they see that Malcolm is conscious, lucid, and talking. I’m in love. The only problem I have with this scene is that no one even mentions any injuries that Malcolm inevitably got from this for the remainder of the entire episode.

11:22 - Why is Martin allowed in these therapy sessions? They just feed his narcissism and give him an audience. He doesn’t let anyone else talk.

11:40 - I love that even the other serial killing prisoners look done with Martin.

12:12 - 1. Poor Hector. 2. Hector is “always Malcolm” OMG. How often does Martin turn these therapy sessions into a fantasy production of his relationship with Malcolm?!?! THIS IS NOT HEALTHY WHY IS THE PRISON ALLOWING THIS!??

13:30 - Can we all just take a moment to revel in the fact that Martin Whitly is such a bad person that even Hector - a prisoner in a serial killer prison - is afraid of Martin. I don’t blame Hector either. Look at how downright nasty Martin gets when things aren’t going his way.

13:48 - soooo everyone changed between the crime scene and coming to the precinct? JT used to be wearing a burgundy shirt, Gil was wearing a black (maybe navy?) turtle neck and Dani was wearing a green T-shirt (not the green blouse she’s wearing now). With Malcolm it makes sense. Did everyone else just change because they were dusty? At 18:26 you can see that they all have different jackets too...Ok. I’ll accept it....WAIT. I assume Dani, JT, and Gil have changes of clothes at the precinct? Does Malcolm too? Or is Malcolm wearing what he had packed for his vacation?

13:53 - Poor Gil. He loved that car. Look how sad he is. :( Look at how guilty Malcolm looks about it in the background. He looks so sad and scared. He’s looking at Gil like he’s waiting to get screamed at. :( I mean Gil’s obviously also upset that he watched Malcolm throw himself out a window but I don’t think Malcolm sees that.

14:15 - hahaha Malcolm is getting so excited about this story and Gil just does not have the patience for one of Malcolm’s manic rants right now. Check out Dani - she is living for Gil’s annoyance at Malcolm’s rant.

14:44 - “It’s my father.” This is concerning on a couple of fronts. It’s concerning because of how completely drained Malcolm looks when he says it. Malcolm just looks done which is scary because not 2 minutes ago he was bouncing around with energy. That dramatic of an energy change that quickly is not healthy. Our boy needs a vacation. Also, check out the fear and concern in Gil’s eyes right after Malcolm tells him that Martin is on the phone. Gil is scared 1) because of Malcolm’s behaviour but 2) because he doesn’t think Malcolm can handle Martin right now - it’s part of the reason that he and Jessica were trying to get Malcolm into a different time zone and country for his vacation. Finally, Dani looks concerned too. I’m honestly surprised she didn’t reach out and hug Malcolm because it looks like she really wants to.

15:00 - Gil was scared before now he’s panicking. You can see that he’s worried about why Malcolm would answer Martin’s phone call when he thought he was going to die. The “I was in a weird place” comment is not reassuring. You can also see that Gil is scared of what the phone call’s effect was on Malcolm’s already fragile mental state. I have a feeling that Malcolm’s current behaviour is reminding Gil of when Malcolm started visiting Martin in prison at age 11 which is scaring Gil too. Gil’s probably just waiting for Malcolm to completely shut down and go mute again.

15:06 - I love this move. JT and Dani are concerned and a little scared to talk on the phone with Martin Whitly but Gil stands firm. He’s not letting his emotionally fragile kid speak to Martin Whitly alone one more time today. He’s too afraid of what Malcolm might do to himself if he’s alone with a Martin phone call. I love the gentle but firm way that Gil reminds Malcolm that he’s not alone. That the team is here for him. I also love that Gil is honest with Malcolm - he doesn’t know if this is a good idea because he’s not sure he should be letting Malcolm talk to Martin at all right now.

15:24 - I want to point out that Martin is not chained to the wall here even though Mr. David is in the room. Is that allowed? You can actually see his restraints lying on the floor, unattached to him at 16:43. Martin is technically staying behind the line though. I just want more details about when Martin is and isn’t chained to the wall.

15:30 - This conversation is really interesting to me. Malcolm looks uncomfortable throughout the whole conversation. It’s as though he doesn’t want the team to see how dysfunctional his Dad and their relationship truly is. I love how confident and calm Gil acts and how freaked out JT acts. I love that Dani gets over her fear really quickly and is casually looking up stuff on her phone in the middle of the conversation like nothing weird is happening. This woman is a treasure. I find it interesting that Martin is peacocking. He’s having the time of his life because he’s talking to a larger audience and Mr. David looks so done with him. I love that when Malcolm starts showing obvious signs of discomfort and frustration the whole team starts shooting him concerned looks as they watch the effect that Martin has on his son. It’s heartbreaking and perfect. I’m in love.

17:01 - hahaha Malcolm hanging up on Martin is amazing. Malcolm is so scared that his dad is going to ruin his relationship with one of his only friends. Look at Malcolm’s face right after he hangs up - he looks detached and scared. Dani sees it too - check out the way she jokes with Malcolm afterward. She’s trying to reassure him that they’re good and it’s not his fault. Hell - JT and Gil given Malcolm some concerned looks at the end of this scene as well. I think the whole team is riding the “Malcolm is more depressed than usual and he needs a vacation” train.

17:38 - Look at how proud Jessica is here. It’s sweet. I wish she were this affectionate to Ainsley more often. Ainsley needs it.

17:55 - This is heartbreaking. Jessica is so lonely. She misses her social life. She really lost everything except Malcolm and Ainsley when Martin was arrested.

18:25 - This is such a messed up, convoluted set up. The dude is going to die by sword. Dang. This show is weird. Why do I love it so much?

18:55 - When Malcolm takes off his coat, the team looks very concerned and confused. I’m genuinely surprised that Gil didn’t have JT take Malcolm outside with force. They all had looks on their faces that said, “Our boy is passively suicidal. He’s going to try and kill himself again. He must be stopped.” And when Malcolm tells them that he’s going to “save this guy” they look so shocked and resigned like “of course that’s what you’re doing. You are a giant moron with no sense of self-preservation.”

19:37 - “Who are we going to call? The department of falling sword death?” hahaha Gil looks so done with Malcolm’s bullshit.

19:42 - I want more information on this one. Malcolm throws axes...competitively. Why? When and how did he get into it? It’s the most obscure hobby I can think of.

19:56 - Am I supposed to believe that JT and Dani carry wire cutters on all of their cases? Because I don’t.

21:00 - The way that Malcolm looks at Gil here is concerning. It’s almost as though Malcolm is just realizing that Gil is still in the room. Malcolm has become so consumed by the case and his mania that he forgot that Gil was in the room.

23:08 - This is so freaking cute. JT is going to watch the wedding with his wife. She’s going to wear a hat. JT looks so happy and excited about it. I don’t think he cares about the wedding but he cares about his wife and that just makes me happy. And Gil looks like “I work with weirdos. All of them.” My heart. <3

24:16 - Gil is so annoyed that Malcolm is lying to his mom. You can see that Gil is also grateful though - it was his responsibility to make sure Malcolm got on that plane and an angry Jessica is a scary Jessica.

25:00 - William called the George Taylor? Dick move.

25:50 - For once can Gil please just call out Malcolm for projecting his personal issues onto suspects? Can we please just see Gil confront Malcolm about it?

26:20 - Why does Malcolm know so much about bootlegging?

27:00 - “They’re thinking Ecuadorian” hahahahaha OMG. Malcolm needs to stop using humour to hide his pain and fear but it is damn funny.

27:50 - Dang. Gil is a badass. Malcolm looks so grateful to Gil here. <3

28:30 - Gil has had it with Malcolm avoiding his vacation. This is full on dad mode right here. Gil is worried. Malcolm isn’t taking care of himself. Look at the way Gil guides Malcolm out of the precinct. Ugh. I’m in love with the father/son moment here.

29:00 - I love how vulnerable and honest Malcolm consistently acts around Dani. Look at the pain in Malcolm’s face as he admits his problem with going on a vacation. Dani looks sad and concerned for Malcolm but she doesn’t judge him. She just comforts him with a stupid joke and lets him skip his flight. That’s true friendship. I stan this woman.

30:30 - This whole interaction between Martin, Dani, and Malcolm is awesome. Martin is ecstatic with the extra large audience. Dani looks a little scared at first but she really holds her own against Martin. She’s feisty, brave, and determined to do her job. Plus the concerned looks she’s giving Malcolm when he starts talking about the camping trip are A++.

32:05 - I love how angry JT gets during interrogations. This boy really supports the law.

33:15 - Ugh. Martin is so shady. He has a history of acting like a happy, sarcastic, manic dude who may or may not be lying to you. But then in the same conversation he will become either a) angry and threatening or b) serious and kind. It actually looks like he’s trying to convince Dani that Malcolm is the bad guy here - not him. That look of pure hatred that Malcolm shoots back at him is worth it though. Also - hell of a lot of foreshadowing for the next couple of episodes. Like dang.

33:45 - “You can take her shopping my boy. On me!!” ....I’m sorry does this mean that Martin has money somewhere? Jessica was rich. Martin was not. Something tells me that all of Martin’s money should’ve been spent on defence attorneys. Is he getting paid for his consultation work? Is that even a thing? OMG. I have so many questions about this.

34:00 - That is a very angry and disappointed father. Malcolm is in so much trouble for not going on vacation. I’m living for it. I also love that even though Gil is so angry at Malcolm he still reluctantly helps him because Gil is a Good Man of the Law.

34:30 - hahaha this is precious. Malcolm looks so shocked by Dani’s beauty here. Almost like he’s noticing that she’s a woman for the first time. AND Dani’s reaction is so cute. She’s flattered, a little awkward, and a lot happy that he thinks she’s pretty. Also - can we please take a minute to admire how respectful Malcolm is to Dani here. This boy has manners. Dani is not his girlfriend and she’s not an object to be catcalled at. So he calls her “amazing”. Not beautiful or sexy or hot. Amazing. A completely respectful compliment from a man who is not dating Dani. I love this.

35:00 - Well Dani - he was going to tell you that you’re really pretty and he has feelings for you..and you probably guessed that...sorry. I ship Brightwell.

35:17 - hahaha Malcolm is like “Damn. I’ve been exposed.”

37:50 - I feel really bad for Jessica here. Can’t this woman go to one (1) social event in 20 years and have to be judged for Martin’s misdemeanors?!? This poor woman just wants to enjoy legally herself and no one is letting her.

38:06 - JT sent Dani those pics....soooo he’s at home with Tally watching this right? Somehow I think JT’s night has become more interesting than he thought it would be.

38:45 - OMG. This speech was hard to watch. Malcolm is awkward, manic, and totally projecting about his daddy issues. Despite all of this, all I can think about is JT and Tally watching this on a TV somewhere staring at Malcolm in horror/amusement.

39:06 - Poor Jessica. She had one request. “Don’t embarrass me.” She looks utterly mortified.

41:30 - I love this. I love how happy Malcolm just made Jessica. I love watching Jessica be proud of Malcolm. It’s so sweet.

42:10 - This conversation between Malcolm and Ainsley is precious. Ainsley isn’t a bad person. She makes some bad decisions but she loves her family and I’m so proud of her for doing this for her Mom. My heart grew about 6x watching Malcolm be proud of his little sister.

Sorry....this one got REALLY long. Thanks for hanging out if you have. Happy Prodigal Monday!! :D Hope you’re all going to watch 1x19 tonight!

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