#I’m just full of disorders and some of them want me to believe I don’t have any I’m just Wrong™ in an unchangeable way

[casimania]

If I had a nickel for every time my psychologist stared me straight in the eyes as she cracked open the DSM 5 after I brought up some issue I had in a self deprecating way that minimised said issue, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice.

Me 🤝 Having zero self awareness over my problems

[vbecker10]

Hey love, how are you doing? Hope you’re all good. Could you write a Bucky x fem!reader who has an eating disorder, but she hides it from the team and she does it successfully, but on one mission she passes out, which is weird because she’s one of the best. She says it was just because she didn’t feel well and everyone believes her, but not Bucky. He senses that something’s off and eventually finds out, because he leaves reader no choice but to tell him, and so she does.

I’m struggling with my ed and I would love it, but if you don’t want to write this, it’s totally fine! I am a huge fan of your work💚

I Want You to be Healthy

Pairing: Bucky x female reader (Y/N) - established relationship / reader has an eating disorder

Summary: You pass out on the way to the jet after a successful mission. The team quickly accepts the excuse that you don't feel well but Bucky knows you well enough to know that you're lying. As soon as you are alone together, Bucky pushes you to open up to him about what truly made you pass out.

Warnings: Eating disorder, passing out, denying you have an eating disorder, feeling insecure about your weight & body image, keeping secrets from your friends and boyfriend, relapsing eating disorder

Background: Female reader has an Eating Disorder (a combination of anorexia and bulimia). Reader has the following behaviors: Skipping meals, frequent checking in the mirror for precieved flaws, constantly using a scale and tracking their weight, eating alone and at odd times of the day / night, exercising more frequently and more intensely than needed, not taking rest days or days off for injury, using the restroom soon after eating, making their own meals rather than eating what the team eats, often complains about needing to be healthy and talks about having to lose weight or gain muscle, thinking they are in control of their eating habits

A/N: Hi my lovely anon, I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling with your ED, I hope you can focus on yourself and get the help you need. I'm here if you want someone to listen 💚 Thank you for trusting me with this, I tried not to focus too much on the specific type of eating disorder since there are a few but I found some similarities between them when I was doing my research. I used those symptoms for this to make it a bit general. I hope this is okay 💚

I didn't tag too many people in this because I wasn't sure who exactly to tag, I won't be offend if you skip this 💚

Steve walks at the front of the group, one hand firmly gripped around the arm of a captured Hydra officer, her hands cuffed tightly behind her back. The mission was simple enough and more of you had gone than was needed but you couldn't pass up the opportunity to be out in the field. It was the only place you felt you belonged, where you could show the others on the team you were good enough to be here.

When Bucky had knocked on your door earlier this afternoon and asked if you were free to join them, you agreed eagerly. It was a welcome distraction from what you had been doing for the last hour, standing in front of your full length mirror, scrutinizing every inch of your body. The flaws in your physique are so glaringly obvious to you, you couldn't help but fixate on where you need to lose fat or gain muscle.

Bucky had smirked when you answered your door to him in nothing but a towel, he assumed you were having a lazy day after a relaxing shower. You hugged him tightly and told him you would get ready for the mission. There was no point in telling him what you had really been doing. A super soldier could never understand your daily struggle with your weight or the constant drive to be perfect. None of the Avengers could.

Natasha and Clint follow the captain closely, another captive officer walks with his head down between them as they discuss dinner. They quickly decide that since its Friday, they should get take out when they get back. There was no reason to make an excuse of course, take out was the easy option. Most of the team was either too busy to cook or had simply never been taught how to.

This meant you had to be even more careful because the food that was ordered was never healthy. Soon after you joined, you learned that it was easier to prepare all of your own food and eat in your room. Eating away from the team also meant they couldn't ask why your portions were what they considered small or why you were eating much later than them. It was none of their business anyways, you had told yourself often. As much as you would have liked their company, it was better this way. You could focus on your weight and health instead of answering all of their questions or dealing with their concerned opinions.

Bucky chuckles as he slips his arm around your waist, unaware of your thoughts. "I'm voting for spaghetti and meatballs, not that anyone asked me," he joins his friends conversation but you are barely listening.

Natasha checks to make sure Clint has a firm hold of the captive then she effortlessly turns, walking backwards smoothly through the thick leaves. "What do you want for dinner, Y/N?" she asks you with a smile, pointedly ignoring Bucky's comment which gets a laugh from Clint.

You don't answer, too distracted by the pain that is spreading deep in your stomach, the one that means you've almost reached your limit between meals. When you get back, you'll need to find something to eat, even if that means more time in the gym.

"Earth to Y/N," the spy waves at you to get your attention. When you make eye contact with her, she again asks what you want for dinner.

You shrug in response, the pain in your stomach growing as you walk. You know the type of answer she is looking for. Pizza, Thai, sushi. You could easily suggest any one of a hundred things but you can't. If you did, you would be expected to join them and that isn't something you are willing to do.

"Don't bother," Clint says when you are silent for a few more steps. His tone is relaxed but you worry he can tell what you are thinking. "You know Y/N never eats anything we order. We don't get anything healthy enough for her," he reminds Natasha. "Too much grease and fat and deliciousness."

"It's not my fault I'm the only one at the Tower worried about my figure," you roll your eyes at him.

Bucky laughs, his hand squeezes your waist, a part of your body you've always been self conscious about. "Your figure is perfect, doll," he smiles and you wish you could believe him but it's not that easy.

Natasha turns back to Clint, not missing a step and pats his stomach once. "Maybe you could learn something from her," she jokes.

"Hey!" he calls after her, sounding like an annoyed sibling. She laughs, jogging lightly towards Steve to hold the female officer while he opens the hatch.

Your ears begin to ring and the trees in the forest around you blend together, becoming hazy. Bucky kisses the top of your head and asks you a question but you can barely make out what he is saying. His voice is just above the ringing that vibrates in your mind. He looks down at you, his expression quickly turning to concern as he says your name but you don't respond.

You're light-headed and suddenly feel cold as your vision blurs more of your surroundings together. You take one more small step and stop, unable to continue forward. Bucky's hold on you tightens but you can't make out his words. You recognize what's happening to your body but only a second before you lose consciousness.

"Y/N," you hear Bucky say your name softly as he runs his metal fingers through your hair gently. Opening your eyes with a quiet groan, the jet gradually comes into focus but everything is sideways. You turn your head to look up at Bucky and realize your resting on his lap. "Slowly doll," he says, helping you sit up in the seat next to him.

"You okay?" Clint asks from the seat across from you.

You nod, still a bit dizzy, "Yeah."

"You had us all worried," Bucky says, his eyes not leaving you.

You shrug, hoping a few simple lies will calm everyone including yourself. It's been almost three years since you passed out from not eating. The last time it happened, your eating disorder had spiraled out of control for the second time and your family urged you to get treatment. It couldn't be happening again though, you think desperately. You are in control of your eating habits this time, you had just accidentally gone too long without eating.

"I felt kinda sick this morning. I know I probably should have stayed home but this sounded like a really quick mission," you offer an explanation that sounds likely.

"Next time you tell us if you don't feel well enough to go out," Steve says sternly from the pilot seat of the jet.

"Will do cap," you plaster on a smile to hide the wince from the dull ache in your stomach and salute him. This earns you a huff and a dramatic eye roll from the blonde super soldier.

"Good, can't let anything happen to the second best spy on the team," Natasha says with a smirk as she opens some files on her tablet.

You force out a small laugh, "Second best?" Then you look at Bucky who still hasn't taken his eyes off of you. He doesn't seem to have accepted your excuse as readily as everyone else but he also knows you better than anyone. "Are you going to let her talk about your girl like that?" Hoping the joke with Nat will distract him from his concern for you.

Bucky responds with a smile almost as fake as yours and says, "Of course not doll."

"Hey," Tony says when he spots you coming towards him in the hall. "How are you feeling? I heard to passed out in the field today."

"I'm okay, just a bit dehydrated," you tell him, holding up your bottle of water as proof.

"Okay, just try to be more careful next time," he tells you and you agree to as you continuing towards your room. "You're not gonna eat with us? Nat ordered from this new Mexican place."

"I'm still feeling a little off," you touch your forehead lightly and he nods. It's an easy excuse and it slips out before you even realize you've said it. You take a few more steps down the hall then add, "I'll see you all in the morning for training, though."

"Only if you're feeling up to it," he says and you give him an enthusiastic thumbs up. He smiles, shaking his head when you turn away from him again. "You're allowed a rest day you know," he calls after you. You continue towards your room without responding, you know that's not true.

A soft knock on your door interrupts your reading and you get up to see who it is. "Hi Bucky," you greet your boyfriend warmly but he doesn't offer you a hug or even a smile in return.

"Can we talk?" he asks in a serious tone and you nod, letting him in as your heart races. Those three words send panic through your body in an instant. You freeze as he takes a seat on the edge of your bed, rubbing his hands together anxiously. "Come sit, doll," he taps the bed next to him lightly without looking at you, his eyes still fixed on his hands.

You walk over and sit next to him silently. What do you two need to talk about that is making him this uneasy, you think. The only answer that surfaces is that he's come to end your eight month relationship, but why? Did you do something wrong, had you forgotten something, your mind races in search of an answer.

He takes your hand in his metal one gently and takes a breath to steady himself which only makes you more nervous. "Y/N," he starts slowly, "I love you so much, you know that right?" He lifts his head to look at you and you nod, too anxious to speak.

"I'm going to ask you this once," he says, "And please, don't lie to me." You bite your bottom lip, searching his face for any hint of his question. "Why did you really pass out on the mission today?" he asks.

You feel the smallest hint of relief that this isn't about your relationship but then you are instantly filled with a different type of fear. Has Bucky figured out what you've been hiding from him, from everyone? Does he know about your eating disorder returning and your worry that you're losing control? Your mind fills with all of your most easily accepted excuses, hoping that you can convince him you are okay.

Before you can open your mouth, he shakes his head. "I need the truth doll," almost as if he can see the lies forming.

"I-" your words stick in your throat and you look away from Bucky, your eyes roaming around your small room. You focus on the high tech scale positioned in front of the tall, full length mirror you spend so much of your time in front of.

He cups your cheek, bringing your eyes back to his, "Talk to me. I can't help if I don't know what's wrong, Y/N."

"I'm fine, I promise," you tell him in the most sincere voice you can, kissing his cheek softly. "I told you, I was just feeling a little under the weather today. It's not a big deal."

"You didn't eat again today," he states, no hint of a question in his tone. You're in too much shock to begin defending your reasoning for skipping a meals when he adds, "You've been missing meals a lot lately, haven't you?"

You nod, suddenly feeling caught which makes you feel both guilty and embarrassed. Bucky is the one person on the team you have always been able to confide in, even before you started dating but this was something you wanted to keep even from him. It was the reason you forced yourself to eat when you went on dates with him but you always found a way to excuse yourself and use the bathroom soon after. Had he noticed that too, you worry.

"How long do you think you can go without eating?" he asks but you don't want to admit you know the answer. Since college, you've developed a pretty good sense for how long you can go between meals, today truly had been a miscalculation. Instead you simply shrug as you guage whether or not you can convince Bucky you missed those meals by accident.

"Y/N," he says when you are quiet. "You can't keep doing this."

You chew the inside of your cheek, this conversation reminding you too much of the one you had with your parents the first time they caught you hiding and throwing away your food. Your eyes flicker away from his and back as you start to realize you might be struggling more than you thought.

His jaw tightens and his gaze follows yours to the scale and mirror then he sighs. "I should throw those stupid things out," he says, more to himself then to you.

"No," you respond quickly and he furrows his brows when he looks back at you. "I need them," you try to explain, your body tensing at the thought of being without them even though they do nothing but cause you anxiety and distress. "I have to keep checking..." your voice trails off, you don't want to open up any further. You don't want Bucky you judge you.

"Checking what?" Bucky asks, hoping you will let him in.

"I have to keep checking my weight," you finish and you find yourself suddenly unable to hold the rest in. "I've always been just a little over from where I need to be with my weight." You look down at your body as you sit next to him, you can easily envision all the flaws you saw in the mirror this morning. "I'll get there, I'm close," you tell him as if he's the one you need to convince and not the small voice that dictates what you can and cannot eat.

You had been focused on your weight for almost your whole adult life and never reached your target. It doesn't matter that the target keeps shrinking anytime you are even remotely close. A few times, you had almost reached the number you thought would finally mean you were perfect only for the small voice to disagree. It would insist you could still lose more weight or you had put on too much muscle or needed more muscle or any number of things. Each time your goal changed, your eating habits became stricter and your workouts became more intense.

Bucky cups your cheek, his thumb brushing your skin lightly, "What are you talking about? You're in the best shape of anyone on the team. You're perf-"

"No," you shake your head, pulling free from his fingers. "I'm far from perfect, you of all people should know that. You're a super soldier, you were practically built to be perfect," you tell him and Bucky's metal hand twiches as he removes it from your waist. "I knew you wouldn't understand," you add with deep a sigh.

"I want to understand. I'm worried about you," Bucky says but you don't look at him.

"You don't need to worry about me," you say, shifting away from him on the bed. You feel yourself becoming defensive and worried he will want you to stop checking your weight and eat more. "I'm fine, I told you. Why can't you just leave it alone?"

"Because you're not fine," he says, his voice raising a bit to show his frustration, not at you but with the situation. "You don't eat, Y/N, not nearly enough and I've seen the way you push yourself too hard when we train. I kept telling myself you knew what you were doing and you would stop if you needed to but then today..." he shakes his head as his voice trails off for a moment.

"Today was an accident," you insist but you're less sure of yourself then you had been. "I have it under control. If I had known about the mission beforehand, I wouldn't have gotten sick."

"You didn't get sick, you passed out," he says and you can see he's becoming more upset by the conversation and the fact that you will not listen to him. "What if that had happened in the middle of the mission? What if we had been somewhere more dangerous and I couldn't get to you? You've gone on solo missions, no one would have known what happened to you."

You get up quickly, needing to distance yourself from Bucky's questions and concern and the doubt they are creating in you. You pace around your room, trying to absorb his words but you don't want to believe he's right. You don't want to admit that you're not okay again.

Without realizing it, you walk towards your mirror and tap the scale with your foot. Bucky gets up, coming over to you but your eyes are fixed on the scale. You tap it again and it turns on, the zeros blinking slowly as you remember the number that stared at you this morning.

"I get that your worried about your weight-" he starts but you cut him off.

"Of course I'm worried about it," you look up, folding your arms around your body tightly. "You have no idea how easy it is to gain weight, one little slip and I could lose all my progress. I have to watch everything I eat and workout so I can be good enough to be here, so I can be perfect," you voice your inner thoughts to Bucky for the first time. "I can't just stop," you tell him.

He moves closer to you, removing the empty space you created between the two of you and you begin to feel nervous again. "I want you to be healthy," he takes your hand in his, pulling you away from the scale.

"So do I, that's why I need to do this," you argue but you feel defeated, as if you are only moments from admitting you know he is right.

He shakes his head, his metal arm rests on your lower back, pulling you closer to him. "What you're doing is the opposite of being healthy, doll. Can you see that?"

You look up at him, seeing the concern fill his eyes and you know you can't deny it any longer. You bite your lip and nod slowly, "I think I need help."

"I'm here doll," he responds softly.

"This isn't-" you struggle to find the words and he gives you time, holding you quietly. "This isn't the first time this has happened," you tell him honestly. Bucky holds you silently as you tell him about your struggles with your eating disorder and how you have relapsed previously after getting treatment. He doesn't ask questions or interrupt you, his hand moves gently up and down your back as you open up completely. When you finish, he wipes your tears softly and kisses your forehead.

"I thought I was okay," you tell him, your voice breaking. He pulls you flush against his body, wrapping his arms around you.

"You will be," he assures you and you rest your head on his chest, hoping he is right. "You are the strongest person I have ever met, you can do this. I will help you any way I can, I promise."

You pull away to look up at him, realizing you'll be gone for at least a few months for treatment. "What am I going to tell everyone?" you ask him, feeling a wave of shame wash over you. It was one thing to break down and admit to Bucky that you had an eating disorder but it was an entirely different thing for the Avengers to find out. "I don't want the team to know," you shake your head, worried about their reactions.

He cups your cheek and you look up at him again, "Don't worry about the team or anything else, doll. I will take care of them and everything else. The only thing I want you to do is focus on getting better, on being healthy again." He gives you a hopeful smile and says, "I'll tell them we're going to visit your family. Fury will approve the time off, it shouldn't be an issue."

You sniffle in response then smile slowly, "We?"

He nods, "If that's okay with you. I know there are things you'll need to do alone, but I want to be close, in case you need me. I want to be there for you, every step of the way."

You wipe a tear quickly with the back of your hand and nod, unable to express how much Bucky's offer means to you in words. Instead, you reach up and press your lips to his softly, holding onto him tightly. Pulling away slightly, you look into his eyes and tell him, "I love you."

He smiles, running his fingers through your hair gently, his metal arm still holding you close. "I love you too, Y/N. You will be okay, I promise you will get through this."

I hope you liked this!! Please like, share and comment if you did 💚💚

@soubi001 @mochie85 @animnerd @cabingrlandrandomcrap @lulubelle814 @siconetribal @jiyascepter @loz-3 @firedrakegirl @dracoswhorexx @lokiandbuckysdoll

[heterophobicdyke]

How do you deal with all the homophobia in radical feminism? I can't stand radblr anymore because of the constant lesbian hatred, all the "classic" radfem writers were polilezzes, and even when I try to meet up with feminists irl they are all bihet homophobes. I want to help other lesbians, but every radfem space I check out is just FULL of homophobia. Is there anywhere else for real lesbians to go?

I hate it too. Like I am a radical feminist because I believe in re-ordering society to eliminate male supremacy. That’s why I care less about microanalysing small behaviours like nail polish and dildos, and care more about brainstorming how to overthrow men - I find the navel gazing self-analysis/consciousness among radical feminists a product of our socialisation. It’s not “feminine” to want to rip society down and start again, so we’re expected to internalise - microanalyse how we, personally, are contributing to patriarchy, rather than taking an active role in warring with men who are the root of the issue.

I’m also a radical homosexual rights activist because I believe in re-ordering society to eliminate heterosexual supremacy. So it’s tough being in radical feminist spaces because they aren’t as radical about ending other forms of oppression - and it conflicts sometimes! For example, we should all be anti-gender because it not only affects women but homosexuals. Gender is misogynistic but it’s also homophobic. However, many radical feminists see gender as a solely misogynistic thing, they see homosexual people with a gender identity as the enemy when they’re equally as victim to gender as women with eating disorders are to beauty standards. Heterosexual women are given the most empathy under radical feminism and it’s almost gendery in how it evolved - lesbians are seen as more predatory all because they’re attracted to women… therefore we’re “like men.” To be a perfect female victim to patriarchy you must desire men and have them betray that desire by abusing you once you’re in love. And don’t you dare suggest these women not enter relationships with men at all! Because then you’re victim-blaming as a stranger to the cause, someone who just Doesn’t Understand. While there’s an argument for lack of agency in specific dire situations, like a woman resorting to prostitution to pay off debt or a drug habit, or a woman in a severely abusive relationship to a man not being able to leave, I think radical feminism must get to a stage where we admit we will never overthrow patriarchy while OSA women choose their male partners over the feminist revolution. They’re not compatible. That’s why many turn to liberal feminism and believe they can self-empower while in these close ties to men. As if these men aren’t oppressors living in your home and influencing your daily lives.

Meanwhile, the radical feminist sex wars (ongoing) involved “political lesbians”—some not even attracted to women at all—telling Actual Lesbians that in fact THEY are part of the problem because sexual desire towards women is a Man Thing that can only ever be objectifying unless you’re having sex in “equal ways,” laying side by side and microanalysing any sexual act for “manliness.” I’m kink-critical, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think people should be emulating rape or kidnapping or racism or pedophilia in the bedroom. But they went as far as to say strap on or sexy talk or whatever was all off limits if you considered yourself a feminist. But women who are not in an abusive situation marrying whole men? Poor babies.

I think radical feminism ate itself when it became about women checking themselves for “manliness” rather than distancing from Actual Males. Lesbians will always lose that because homophobia suggests any form of sexual desire for women is a man thing. Like throughout the sex wars and beyond, women in relationships with males were seen to be permanent victims unable to possibly live a female-centred life unless they got to appropriate the term lesbian, and be Better Lesbians than Actual Lesbians. We know that not all women are inescapably and powerlessly with men, and can’t leave, especially when you consider the radfem polls showing most are middle class with a university education. Where the attention went, and goes, instead, was towards women policing their own behaviour for evidence of “maleness.” Which is gender! Butches, especially butch/femme relationships, and any lesbian with a sexual appetite, were/are critiqued more than discussing how women can distance from actual males! As if masculine/feminine relationships and penetration are heterosexual, male things, and a woman exhibiting those things are worse than women who refuse to leave men who exhibit those things (because she’s so vulnerable and victimised!). In fact, women who are deemed “manly” for such things are seen as a bigger betrayer than men themselves because they see it as coming from inside the house. They can delude themselves into thinking they’re using men for sex and romance but are still fighting some feminist fight internally, yet actual lesbians with no dependence on men whatsoever are somehow class traitors for *spins wheel* not being feminine enough in how they have or want sex? Make it make sense!

Masculinity and femininity are simply what we associate with men and women. The problem isn’t really masculinity and femininity, it’s that they’re forcefully applied and naturalised to the sexes. Harmful beauty expectations like youthfulness and thinness are a subset of femininity designed entirely to make women small and childlike. In the same way “toxic masculinity” is the sort of masculinity designed to give men more power over women through naturalising aggression among men. But there are plenty of good/neutral things associated with men, therefore “masculinity,” that women can and do possess, such as short hair, desiring to penetrate, being good with money and wanting to protect/defend their partner. And some women (and men!) exhibit what we’d consider good/neutral “femininity”: nurturing, preferring being penetrated, in touch with their emotions, animal-lovers. These two types of women, as lesbians, being in a “butch/femme” relationship is not emulating heterosexuality because there is no male involved. But “political lesbians” and other radfem homophobes believe(d) they were/are the higher form of lesbian (despite being attracted to men) because they don’t engage in feminist-neutral forms of lesbian culture and history.

This distraction from the real issue—women living lives that focus on men including their partners—goes on. I think radical feminists misuse the victim label to apply to things they don’t want to change or address. OSA women “can’t help” focusing their life on men, so do we forfeit the revolution for it?

But I’ve come to terms with being a radical feminist regardless of those who have deluded themselves into thinking they can end patriarchy holding hands with a man, and all the homophobia that comes along with protecting that CHOICE. Because I rest easy knowing the barebones foundation of radical feminism—eliminating male supremacy—is what I believe and live my life doing, along with likeminded lesbians, febfems and celibates. I’m not going to stop identifying as a radical feminist because of fakers, in the same way I’m not going to stop identifying as a radical homosexual rights activist despite the TRAs thinking they, also, can reclaim the system and simply rework it in “self-empowerment.” Both homosexual TRAs and deluded "radical feminists" belong to the oppressed classes I want to be empowered, and that's where the solidarity ends. I don't have to bite my tongue to hold their hand in the path towards overthrowing heteropatriarchy. I won't be guilted into playing nice.

That’s how I deal with it.

[oddlittlestories]

I love Monk. I’m not really recommending it because, well, it IS about police and it DOES have some fairly ableist content. But I love it.

Monk is an interesting character. He’s introduced as having an “anxiety disorder” that occurred from the traumatic event of his wife being murdered. Over the course of the show, it becomes pretty clear that he was neurodivergent his whole life, but had a serious spike in support needs after his wife’s death. He has one nurse, but he should pretty clearly have two—even if one is a part-time respite nurse. Many of his “boundary violations” obviously come from seeking needed support at inappropriate times. This man should not really be left alone, at least not at the start of the show. He can’t cope. But also getting a new nurse / assistant / I forget the specific word is very very difficult for him.

He’s billed, I believe, as having OCD. But if you just look at his behavior, there are several labels that could fit. Autism would probably be one of them.

A lot of the humor in the show revolves around his disability, which could and may to some feel like the show makes his disability the butt of the joke. With some notable exceptions (fuck you medication episode) I don’t really think this is the case.

Let’s look at the pilot. Sharona, his nurse, goes on a date and leaves him alone on “chicken pot pie night.” She tells him, you’ll be fine! Even my son could cook a chicken pot pie. He cannot cook a chicken pot pie. He is counting out individual peas. To me, this is funny because of how obvious it is that he needs more support.

He literally calls her son for help. This is hilarious because it obviously wasn’t her intention, but her son is actually walking Monk through how to make a chicken pot pie. The literalism - that Benjy really CAN help him cook a chicken pot pie - is funny to me.

I’m also very interested in how the show interacts with both work and the police. Monk is not capable of working full-time, and although he desperately wants to go back at first, eventually he accepts that as a consultant, he can have the flexibility he needs to still find murderers.

The police officers he works with often feel threatened and embarrassed by him, but at the same time need his talents. Jealousy comes up often. And since the main officers are at least duly sympathetic, this gets explored as awful instead of brushed off as campy villainy from antagonists.

I also really like the way gaze is used in the show. Monk comes onto a crime scene and others watch as he makes a bunch of pronouncements, struggles with one anxiety or another, gets support from his nurse, and then explains his pronouncements. I like that it seems like folks are disturbed by his need for support, but that the show frames the support as a positive thing and the anxiety itself as a struggle.

Monk is also a person. He loved his wife. He plays the clarinet. He doesn’t have much time to pursue hobbies or interests outside of managing his disability and doing the work which he loves and seems compelled to do in equal measure. But he IS a person.

Anyways I’m not necessarily saying go out and watch it. It has many flaws and it is ableist at times, and it doesn’t bother to fully unpack how the people in Monk’s life respond to him, nor always to explore his agency and individuality. He is a fussy and fastidious detective, which is a common archetype, but they don’t always go as far beyond that as they should.

Like I said, it’s not House. But I’m gonna probably rewatch all of it now that it’s on Netflix.

[grizzcore]

I identify AS a lesbian , that is how I perceive myself and what to me is a truth about my personal and full lived experience, I adore butches and specifically MY butch. I was known to be a lesbian at a very young age. I only had crushes on little girls, i had a huge crush on my lesbian aunts butch partner and I was not good at hiding this. (Very cute photo of me staring at Lisa available at request) I didn’t behave like a lot of little girls, I was a tomboy, I was also very clearly lesbian and this lead to being “othered” a lot , especially by adults who did not want me around their children because of my homosexuality

At age 11 I was diagnosed with gender identity disorder, and at 12 I started going by he/him pronouns and the name Oliver at my Ohio public middle school. I was technically out as agender but did later identify as a trans boy/trans man. In my teen years trauma and dysphoria complicated things for me, I dated much older women and afab NB people who did a lot of emotional damage to me , and with my trauma around lesbianism I ended up identifying as a gay trans man for a long while. From 16 to 21, this is what I considered myself publicly - though I’ll admit that on some level I always knew deep down I was a lesbian, and that I was sort of making this identify for myself to fight against that.

I identify WITH gay men , because for many years I thought that is who was, I took testosterone, which I don’t regret at all btw and would and maybe will take again one day, I love being a t lesbian- - I was with gay men intimately, both my age and much older, i was bullied for being both a lesbian and a gay man at the same time because again, I transitioned in a semi rural Ohio public middle and highschool setting starting in the year 2012/2013. i was in gay mens spaces in real life, I felt very real community with gay men and they never treated me very differently than other gay boys just for being transmasculine. Sex with them was not emotionally fulfilling me, but I did enjoy their company and companionship for a while I thought I may be asexual. (Don’t so many of us, lmao)

But No, I was most certainly a lesbian with too much trauma hanging onto that label to connect to it for a while (and many people in my direct personal life kept informing me of this, lmao, which made me double down in a very childish way)

Me and my partner are both afab and identify personally as lesbians- but on many occasions we are perceived socially as gay men because we both previously identified as gay trans men, took t and socially transitioned. Then we dated each other. I told Theo about a year in I thought I may be a lesbian and that transmasculinity to me was an extension of a lesbian gender identity and I didn’t want them to feel invalidated by this as they at the time were a binary trans man to my knowledge. They told me they felt the same way and we had one of the most eye opening and relationship strengthening conversations we’ve ever had. We’re both lesbians , with dysphoria, with no connection to a male identity- just a masculine one.

So were lesbians, who look like gay men and often are regarded as gay men by strangers , we’ve experienced homophobic violence geared toward gay men, other lesbians tend to recognize us as lesbians, but gay men - especially trans men and especially t4t trans men also recognize us as gay trans men socially - and im okay with that! i actually LIKE that.

I don’t care if people see us a lesbians or gay men or both. I have community in both places, I feel safe in both places, I have love for both communities. I have lived in both communities, been fostered and loved in both and don’t feel these communities in real life are half as separated as the internet leads many of you to believe. I was in the gay bar scene at too young an age but I am thankful for the community I feel as someone with what a lot of people could consider a pretty complex gender identity now that I’m an adult still in those spaces

And now that I’m experiencing a sort of complex gender fluidity I could only best describe as “genderfluid but the genders are ‘butch’ and ‘femme’ as genders, not male and female” where I’m exploring femme identity and my relationship to butchness is shifting back and forth, I feel a new strange sort of identification happening to me wherein a lot of people in this irl space are assuming im some sort of drag queen - which I’m ??? Not entirely sure how I feel about but i think I’m overall okay with it in a Chappell Roan femininity is performance sort of way

In short what I’m saying is : my gender is lesbian, but I am aware my SOCIALLY PERCEIVED gender is often that of a gay man, and other queer people seem to vary widely in how they perceive me and my relationship on a scale of “lesbians” to “t4t” to “gay men” often reflecting their own identity

And I’m like! Okay with that and acknowledge these identities as also being a valid part of who I am because they affect the way other people treat me in these spaces I share and the life I live.

[prose-among-the-trees]

Another DissociaDID post because frankly I’m not done.

Soren can obviously do what he wants (using he/him for the current name because I really don’t feel like starting an argument about whether DD is trans or not. I don’t mind using someone’s preferred name or pronouns.) when it comes to his channel, that goes without saying.

That being said, every single video is the same fucking thing. I as a former fan am frustrated with the same few topics over the past few years. I want a return of his to be genuine, not promise new educational content and be the same horrifying misinformation combined with blaming everyone for his legitimate fuckups.

People cannot genuinely believe that his newest update video was anything but a recap of the entire channel plus a chance to mourn all the fused alters like they died. People cannot genuinely believe that his newest demon alter video wasn’t a ripoff of the videos he promotes constantly, Mara’s intro, Sally and Amira’s nonhuman talk, and the videos about types of alters.

He’s promoting Palestine on TikTok and YouTube shorts when YouTube videos themselves get the most money for them statistically. He could do videos where he isn’t constantly making shameless plugs to his patreon and begging people to watch his trauma and dissociation on there if they’re paying for a certain tier.

This is not fucking did, it’s a joke. The newest video about types of switches is just blatant misinformation, full stop. I’ve now seen didtok making their own switching terms and circulating those. These are not clinical representations of a disorder.

Can we cut the brainrot for a second and admit that DissociaDID is a one man army to dismantle legitimate medical resources and precedents on which DID is founded on?

DissociaDID is a grifter who should have stayed the fuck gone. In case anyone believes I’m being too harsh about this, let’s go over some of the more insidious things this person (single person) has done.

1. Dated Team Piñata, someone who was exposed for drawing and selling art of CP, and begged all the did YouTubers to sweep that little factoid under the rug for the sake of friendship.

2. Fucked up with misinformation SO BADLY that the entire did community believed the terms integration and fusion were interchangeable.

3. Treated fusion like it could be caused by trauma, like alters had fucking died, and encouraged fans to simp over while mourning Kyle.

4. Responded to comments flirting on Mara’s individual account and liked comments from MINORS along with using their main account to tell a 16-17 year old boy that they could work on his GAG REFLEX (he was doing a magic trick and pulling a flower out of his mouth).

5. Told all of YouTube that Reddit was a bunch of predatory sadists who wanted children hurt when we asked him to move mature content to mature platforms like OF so kids couldn’t see that shit.

6. Legitimately steals trauma stories from media (says there’s no introjection there), other YouTubers, and from people who first supported him starting the channel.

7. Is still extorting viewers for the Sergio Costa case that should have ended at least a year ago. He might have started the issue but Soren is continuing to gather legal funding in a cash pool for the next complaint about his channel (can’t sue me I’m anonymous).

8. Posts triggering content to TikTok and when asked to stop blames the viewers and implies they’re bad people or predators.

9. Sends his fans to dox and harass whoever he wants because he can’t take a little legitimate criticism.

10. Subjected viewers to fetish content without their informed consent bc TP had a sneezing fetish (TP also drew CP with this fetish).

11. Blamed the internet for essentially killing Nadia after people called him out on his racist caricature of an Indigenous person.

12. Gave HORRIFIC sex advice for minors to see on how to get into BDSM after trauma. If you can’t say no you can’t have sex. Fuck that entire video.

Defending this person without any critical thinking and doing it blindly is defending everything I’ve stated above.

Fuck DissociaDID and the harm he continuously causes.

Also tagging @tomcatyowls because I know my mutual gets it. You’re a real one.

[thevulturesquadron]

Ok so this is me sorta headcanoning, so take this with a grain of salt, but one of the reasons why the infantilization of Rogue always bothers me is because I always felt like her powers were a metaphor for disability/chronic illness and fandom police act already like disabled women aren't capable of being in their own villain romances, example being Entrapdak antis denying Entrapta her own agency in her romance with Hordak in the She-Ra reboot.

Oh! But you make a really good point! It’s one of those subtle perspectives that can be dangerous just because of how easy they are to integrate into someone's view of the world. I'm not as vocal online as I used to be. I feel like there are people out there far better equipped to talk about it than I, while I grow old and cranky. But, you brought up a really important aspect that kinda sent me into a 'hold my beer' moment so apologies for the long answer! To start with, I wouldn’t call this a headcanon, not at all, clearly not in the context of X-men, and Rogue in particular. It’s a very apt analogy. The reason why these characters become relevant to us is because we recognize something from our personal journey in them, and the comparison you made for Rogue is a very strong one. Her inability to touch can absolutely be read as a disability! In so many of her stories/arcs it is often portrayed as a struggle, as an obstacle to a ‘normal life’. Her difficulties with gaining control over her powers and dealing with other personalities that are trying to take over her mind can also be a strong metaphor for mental health struggles/disorders. Rogue is a fantastic hero in that regard and seeing her be her own person, learning how to work and be proud of what she can do, can feel like a personal victory for so many people. It’s why it’s important to see her happy, to see her winning her battles and use who she is and what she can do in a positive and impactful way. There are many reasons why fans end up taking away her agency or attributing her choices to a different (often male) character. And, to be fair, a couple of comic-book writers have done this exact thing to her, so I can see where this skewed perspective might be coming from. Within fandom this happens mostly because it serves to support their arguments for whatever thing they prefer or project onto the character. If they don’t like a certain narrative or can’t accept that it might’ve be written for someone else, they have this to fall back on and point to. Or, sadly, one of the simplest reasons for doing this is the age-old turning their ship preferences into ‘I’m right, you are wrong’ arguments. But these things can hide some internalized misconceptions. Unfortunately I haven’t seen the reboot of She-Ra (shame on me) so I don’t have the full picture for the take on Entrapta, but now I have one more reason to invest some time in it. In this situation with Rogue, I believe that what you mentioned applies very well. The argument that I’ve seen going around a lot is that Rogue was manipulated/swayed by being presented with the opportunity to ‘be normal’. Because she wanted to be able to touch and as a result she was taken advantage of because of her ‘disability’. Which is entirely false. In no version of the relationship between Rogue and Magneto in the comics, and not even in the reinvented take in the animation, has he ever abused that. Her attraction to him has always, always, come first, and the ability to touch, second. He was never the first one to act upon it. Even in the animation, every shot in the flashback was carefully considered to portray that - she is shown as the initiator every time (my favourite scene is when she’s trying her very best to pose in a suggestive way and he just paints her as he sees her, lively and sincere). But some fans don’t want to see that. They don’t want to acknowledge the authenticity of her decisions because it doesn’t serve the narrative they want of her/for her.

I read your message and it hit like a hammer how much deeper this problem can actually go, because it’s masked by those surface-level justifications. Removing agency and responsibility from someone just because they operate differently than one’s expectations is damaging in and of itself, and within a fandom it perpetuates an idea that can stifle people’s perspective and critical thinking. (This whole topic actually reminded me of Madison Tevlin's “Assume that I can” commercial. I think it's relevant to the conversation) Thanks a lot for sharing this!!! We need to talk more about these things and if I misspoke on something or missed something important would love to hear it. 💜

[totalfknloser]

hey! Could you write something about Zakk dating an autistic girl? I'm an autistic person and I have a huge crush on Zakk and I love your writing so could you do some headcanons about it? I would really be very happy!! (sorry if something is written wrong, I don't speak English and I'm using Google translate 😫)

hiii! okay so i’m not autistic and i wanted to get like.. what it’s like to be autistic so i asked my friend (who’s autistic) about it and they told me about autism so i hope this is accurate to your experience with autism!!

I think that Zakk would honestly not give a shit if someone is autistic and not care for them if they didn’t mean much to them but considering you in this scenario are his lover i think that he would really try!!

also i might’ve written Zakk a little softer because i don’t think anyone is really sure of how he would act in a romantic relationship tbh but even if he isn’t nicer/softer/whatever to people with autism and other things like that i wanted to make him like a little out of character safe space to ppl with neurodivergent disorders for u if that’s what ur looking for cause tbh if he isn’t nicer then what would i write about?? him being normal?? that’s not nice LOL

also if you need me to focus on your experience then please don’t be afraid to tell me what your symptoms and experience is like and what your reactions are so i can write a more personalized version<3

⛧ overstimulation

• harmful stimming

I think if you gave Zakk some direction, he would be a little caught off guard at first but he would get the hang of it. he would try his hardest to distract you, like taking you somewhere else or doing whatever helps you calm down.

• running away

well according to my friend, he says RUN! RUN FOR YOU! because ppl r usually like “u have to be nice to people with autism” but he also says sometimes you need to be a little assertive in like situations like this so i think that Zakk would absolutely chase after your ass lol

• crying, screaming, etc

i think that Zakk would kind of catch onto this quicker than he would with others but if you need distance, he will do it. if you need affection, he will do it. if you need to be somewhere else, he will take you somewhere else.

• distress noises

he would probably understand if the sounds you make sound i guess distressed enough? if they didn’t he would be confused but with some communication he would get it and help u out <33

⛧ communication

• signs and symbols

Zakk would prolly pick up on things like communication cards, hand signs, etc pretty fast!!

• distance/affection

Zakk is totally fine with distance honestly!! i think he would be perfectly cool with affection as well!!! i believe that Zakk would leave you alone physically unless you asked him to be there with you!!

shut downs/melt downs (yes i’m aware they are not the same i’m just bunching them together lol)

• nonverbal

Zakk would be confused but if you can communicate with cards or symbols then he would get it pretty quickly. i think that if you didn’t communicate at all he would probably just leave you alone but keep an eye on you.

• needing rest/space

as i said, Zakk is cool with distance!

• needing touch

if you touched Zakk in a more affectionate way (like a hug, etc) he would understand but not touch you like full on (not sexually i just mean on full cuddles) unless you gave him a signal that that’s what you want. if you asked him, he would still understand and tend to your needs in both scenarios <3

⛧ general autism stuff

• social battery

i think that Zakk would have a pretty good experience with things similar to a social battery so he would pick up the signs and leave you be!!

• fidgets

Zakk would get it. i just feel like he would. I think that Zakk would prolly fidget with things himself but i mean more like his jewelry, hair, skin, etc (no i’m definitely not projecting!!/sarc) i think that if you really asked him to he would go out and get u some LOL

• special interests

I think he would be confused on why you’re so fixated on something but over time with being educated how autism works then that confusion level would go down.

• happy stims/just stims in general

Zakk would be confused!! i stim myself (i’m neurodivergent but i’m not autistic) and i think that Zakk would never really understand it lol but he wouldn’t judge u bc he loves u

• headphones/something noise cancelling

if it really helped you and you couldn’t get it on your own, Zakk would get some for you tbh!!

[asktherejectsau]

It’s been a while, huh?

Hello everyone.

I apologize for the incredibly long hiatus as I did not expect to be away from this account for over a year but a lot has happened in my personal life that was out of my control and unfortunately, I was not in the correct mental state to be pumping out content in the way that I was with this AU.

While I’m not going to explain the full brevity of it here, I’ll try to put it as simply as I can without divulging too much personal information. I don’t want any further questions regarding my life irl as I want to keep that separated from this project completely. But for this update, I will say this once.

Firstly, what’s been going on?

I have been struggling with my mental health for many years, primarily because I am neurodivergent. But 2023 was what I would consider one of the worst years of my life. I was nearly made homeless by an abusive family member, my grandmother had passed away, and I had failed my 3rd year of college due to what was thought to be symptoms of an undiagnosed mental disorder, which turned out be a post-traumatic response to stress.

I tried to power through it by distracting myself via this AU and in extension, this fandom. But I have since realized what I was doing to myself was not in any way healthy nor productive.

For the longest time my “worth” was tied to my work. Up until this point in my life, I was conditioned to believe from a young age that if was not successful, then I did not deserve to live. I felt ashamed of myself for not being able to fulfill what I thought were “simple” deadlines, creating grand projects to complete in just 2 weeks or less and when I didn’t hit those goals (much like with the completion of the EP) I nearly broke down.

But once I realized how much harm I was doing to myself, I felt like I had to take a step back and reassess myself before it had the chance to seep into my art and other fandom spaces I occupied.

I apologize for not giving any notices or updates whatsoever on this project. I never meant to abandon this AU. I love it way too much to let it go for good. There were other factors that kept me away here too, such as the brief influx unwanted sexual comments made by anonymous users in mid 2023, as well as my own internal struggle with my place within the Gorillaz fandom as someone who wants to share more nuanced content with mature themes in a space that has become increasingly filled with a much younger audience than intended.

But I’ve decided I want to come back to this project so I can tell the story I want to tell. Not just because of my love for the IP but simply because I want to finish. I want to finish it as a way to end a saga for myself.

Now that I have finally been given the green light to go forward into my senior year after repeating junior year, I feel that I’m finally in a healthy enough mindset to do so.

What will happen to this blog then?

I’ll be uploading questions as I get to them. But I must make note of this again as stated in the rules. Please stop sending me NSFW questions about the characters or myself. While this AU does deal with mature themes and does contain some suggestive elements, that does not give invitation for you to ask for that type of content about the characters, and especially from me. This is not directed at any specific user as most people were incredibly kind and respectful. But I beg you if you do like this project and want to submit a question or fanart, please don’t do this. It’s made me incredibly uncomfortable every time I receive them and it overall sours the experience of answering questions and continuing to work on this project. I would like for that boundary not to be crossed so please be respectful of that.

Secondly; as it stands, the EP and Thru With U animated music video are postponed.

Thru With U will most likely stay as a storyboarded piece as I unfortunately, do not have the luxury to animate a full three and half minute long piece by myself as that takes a lot of time and money that I do not currently have. And if I wanted to hire people to help me in animating it, I would want to give them proper compensation. Which again, I cannot currently give at this time.

The EP will probably come out eventually, but I would have to do some intense fine tuning in order to get sounding as best as it could be. That isn’t to say that I won’t be making anymore music/MVs for the Rejects later down the line, but I ask that all of you please be patient with me a more of those projects come out.

With that all being said, thank you all for your support. I’m incredibly proud of the community that’s been fostered from this AU and all of you who’ve sent me fanart, written kind messages, asked questions to the characters, and have written supportive tags onto each post, it means so much.

I can’t wait for you to see what this project has in store. Stay tuned!

Sincerely,

Bepis-Boii

[whackacole3]

Junkrat and Schizotypal Personality Disorder

Upon some close examination (and projection), Junkrat's character appears to exhibit traits suggestive of schizotypal personality disorder (STPD). His eccentric beliefs, erratic behavior, and unconventional mannerisms align with the typical features of this disorder.

Now I will say, I myself have some personality disorders so I have the need to project onto him (despite mine being cluster B & C and STPD being incluster A). This might lead me to project certain traits onto Junkrat as I analyze his character, so keep that in mind please.

On another note, if you disagree please just scroll past and don’t argue. I’m not saying this is canon or even implied, it’s just a headcanon and a silly little analysis that I wanted to do because I was bored.

Let’s get into it.

To receive a diagnosis of STPD, an individual must meet five out of the nine specific criteria. Not the full set, only partially. It is important to note that everyone’s experience with STPD will be different because of the many combinations that exist within the criteria.

I will be using the direct diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5. Though Junkrat is Australian and would use the ICD-11, I’m just not as familiar with that.

Ideas of reference (excluding delusions of reference).

Now to explain what that means; it is when someone will take an event that is unrelated to them, some random occurrence and think that they are the cause of it. They think that something is referring to them when it is not, hence the name. One of the biggest examples of this is when one will see people laughing in public and think that they are laughing at them instead of something else. [source]

There is no canon examples or interactions or so on to suggest this, through what we know of Junkrat it is highly likely he experiences this. He tends to make things about himself and often talks about himself highly. Because of this mixed bag, I will give it a half point. In personality disorders, these half points are typically counted because of the complexities of these types of disorders. 0.5/9.

Odd beliefs or magical thinking that influences behavior and is inconsistent with subcultural norms.

This is when person believes their thoughts, feelings, or rituals can influence events in the material world, either intentionally or unintentionally. This is also common in other disorders such as OCS. [source]

Now, I’d say Junkrat most definitely has this. He has extremely odd beliefs about bombs and explosives among other things, as well as general magical thinkings. In an interaction with D.Va, he considers himself famous and suggests that they both need to keep their heads down. He’s a mad scientist with many extraordinary inventions, but he does not have the popularity that she has. That’s the only canonical example we have, but I still think it’s close enough to give a point. 1.5/9.

Unusual perceptual experiences, including bodily illusions.

These experiences refer to atypical sensory perceptions or sensations that deviate from what is considered typical or normal. These experiences can occur in various forms and may involve any of the five senses: sight, hearing, taste, touch, and smell. One specific aspect of unusual perceptual experiences includes bodily illusions. [source]

Now, I can’t say we have any canon examples of this other than maybe “Mum, I did it! I’m on fire!” which could say he senses his mother’s presence and is talking to her, but this is also a very common thing to say. Just referring to your mother, especially if she has passed, and talking to her. So no point for this. 1.5/9.

Odd thinking and speech.

Now this is in reference to vague, circumstantial, metaphorical, overelaborate, or stereotyped style of language. [source]

Junkrat’s way of talking is one of the first things I think of when I think about him. He most definitely has off speech patterns, overelaborate to be specific. He explains himself to an extreme and uses an incredible vocabulary at all times, no matter the circumstances. His thinking goes along with this, given some of his strange and eccentric ideas. So I’d say he has a point. 2.5/9.

Inappropriate or constricted affect.

This is when someone cannot feel the full range of “normal” human emotions or feel the emotions with limited intensities. Both flat and blunted count towards this as they refer to different levels of emotions. [source]

Now while we do not exactly see it, it is heavily implied that Junkrat is “happy” or “maniacal” most of the time. I would say he struggles to have most of the more negative emotions, which still counts towards this. So, another point for him. 3.5/9

Behavior or appearance that is odd, eccentric, or peculiar.

When it comes to this type of behavior in STPD, it’s not just “random lol XD” type of odd. This behavior would typically be perceived as unusual or unnecessary, without being demonstrably maladaptive. This is contrasted with normal behavior, the nearly universal means by which individuals in society solve given problems and pursue certain priorities in everyday life. [source]

Junkrat is basically the perfect example of this, he is half naked most of the time, has absolutely horrid posture, is constant twitching, and a lot of other things. He is very odd and eccentric in practically every single way, so he’s definitely getting a point for this. 4.5/9

Lack of close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives.

When it comes to STPD, the symptoms and tendencies often make it hard for one to form any long lasting relationships.

We know that other than Roadhog, Junkrat doesn’t have any friends. While Roadhog is not a first-degree relative but he is a “bodyguard” so I feel like that bypasses this. Most of the other characters are unnecessarily rude and mean to Junkrat, showing he has no real friends among them. So I would say he gets a point here. 5.5/9

Excessive social anxiety that does not diminish with familiarity and tends to be associated with paranoid fears rather than negative judgments about self.

Social anxiety is an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others. This fear can affect work, school, and other daily activities. It can even make it hard to make and keep friends. [source]

Actually Junkrat is very social able with little to any self-esteem issues (though I headcanon he had a little) so he doesn’t exactly seem to have any of this, no point here. 5.5/9.

And there we have it. Five and a half out of nine points. If he was real, he could very much qualify for a STPD diagnosis. Now there’s obviously factors like you can’t have schizophrenia, bipolar, schizoaffective, and blah blah so he could possibly be disqualified; but in my eyes he’s got STPD.

Now, again, this whole analysis is all for fun, shits and giggles if you will, so if you disagree that’s completely okay! Just don’t be mean about it, it’s just a headcanon/personal belief.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw: csa, rape mention, probably imposter syndrome

I’m not actually sure what I’m looking for, maybe advice or support?

Anyway, I found out about a year ago that my eldest brother had been sexually abusing my siblings when they were kids, and then I also found out that he had pretty much abused every kid he was around whenever he could, I was told that he was never around when I was little, but I have a memory of him playing a video game in my room and then later promising that he’d play it again with me.

I’ve always thought there was something wrong with me, but I’ve always ranged from thinking I’m just neurodivergent or to at some points wondering if maybe I had a personality disorder, and looking back with the information I have know, it makes me think that maybe I was abused as well and just forgot about it,.

Like I was a really sexual kid, which is weird because I realised as I got older that I’m completely asexual, I always felt really uncomfortable and unsafe around my brother and I thought it was just because I barely saw him, but maybe it wasn’t? And I used to have sporadic nightmares about being raped, with even recently having a sleep paralysis dream about someone taking pictures of me in bed naked.

Sorry, I’m kind of rambling, my point was that I think I might have been abused, but I can’t remember it at all. I don’t want to outright say that I was abused, because what if I’m just making shit up, what if every time I’ve thought something was wrong with me was because I just want attention.

I can’t claim I’ve been abused by him, when I don’t actually know other than some patchy unreliable evidence, when my siblings have full clear memories of being abused, and anytime I try to bring something up to my parents I get told that he was never around me.

Anyway, again my point was, do you think people who think they may have been abused but just can’t remember are valid, and do you think I should try and reach out for resources if that don’t know whether they deserve them or not?

I’m sorry for rambling, if none of this makes sense, feel free to ignore it

Hi anon,

Abuse survivors who cannot recall their trauma are definitely valid. Many trauma survivors experience repression, which is the brain's way of compartmentalizing and distancing from a memory that is especially difficult to process.

It's understandable to question if maybe something happened to you, especially considering things like swinging from hypersexuality to asexuality, feeling unsafe or unsettled around your brother, and having disturbing dreams of being assaulted. However, there are other ways to explain these experiences, which makes it difficult to definitively determine whether or not something happened. Unfortunately, I cannot advise you either way because it's not appropriate as a non-professional who doesn't know you personally, and I do not want to lead you to believe something that may incorrect.

Regardless of whether or not you've been abused, resources related to abuse and survivors thereof are absolutely welcome to you. Especially when you're reflecting on the possibility of being an abuse survivor, learning more about what abuse is and what it looks like to deal with it can give you a clearer understanding of whether or not that aligns with your experiences. That being said, it is important to exercise caution when engaging with resources designed for abuse survivors when you are still in a state of speculation, as it could potentially implant false memories if engaged with too closely.

Ultimately, if you can access or afford it, I strongly recommend getting the opinion of a mental health professional such as a therapist, who can get a more comprehensive assessment of you and your history in order to explore this with you safely and accurately. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, please feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[frieddiscjockey]

#FRIEDDISCJOCKEY writing blog for gregor "gonzo" vukovic, a ghost character from abc's crazy fun park. highly selective & private. minors dni. primarily runs on queue due to work schedule. loved by billie ( 32 . est. ) this blog will contain triggering content and spoilers . 21+ preferred . minors do not interact . established february 2024. followed back by coastercrushed.

 open starters./ headcanons / verses./prompts.

affiliated with; @rvnawaytrain also found at: lennon. mapplethorpe .gareth. april. siobhan. marko.

INFO UNDERCUT.

01. first things first, i am aware that a lot of people haven’t seen crazy fun town. i highly recommend it. it’ll make you laugh, it’ll make you cry, it’ll make you feel nostalgic. i digress because this will have a lot of horror aspects. a lot of the park kids died in really horrific ways. gonzo was the dj at the park in the 90s who got electrocuted going down a water slide whilst some loose, broken cords got wrapped around his foot on his way down. a lot of depressing topics will be mentioned considering gonzo had died suddenly and he's almost decayed to nothing due to his memory nearly being forgotten.

02. drama is not my thing. i avoid it in real life and you best believe i’m going to avoid it online, being that this is my hobby. i wont reblog callouts, but will read them. i’ll only reblog if the person is incredibly dangerous to make my followers be aware. no gross behavior with minor muses, either, thanks. don’t be transphobic, genderbend, whitewash, don’t be a racist asshole, don’t support n*zi imagery, don’t be a fucking dickhead. 

03. oooooh i do love shipping! though, i do prefer a little bit of plotting beforehand. i think it’s very important to build a relationship ooc as well. i’m more comfortable to ship if we talk a little ooc.

04. i’m billie! i’ve thirty one years old and i’ve been apart of the rpc since late 2010. i’m an old lady. i’ve been around the block a few times. i work full time overnight ( twelve hour shifts ) at hospital & i have a lot of social obligations so i’m primarily mobile. most of my replies will be posted by queue due to this. my reply speed is slow and whilst i post a lot of ooc posts while at work & what not, it may sometimes take me a few days or even weeks to reply to a thread. patience is key! this is something i do whenever i want to destress and have fun.

STATS

 GENERAL.

BIRTH NAME. gregor vukovic ALIAS(ES). gonzo, dj gonzo, greg. AGE. eighteen. DATE OF BIRTH. january 23rd MARITAL STATUS. single. verse dependent.  SPECIES. the ghost with the most GENDER. cismale PREFERRED PRONOUNS. he/him ROMANTIC ORIENTATION. bisexual  SEXUAL ORIENTATION. bisexual.  OCCUPATION. was a high school graduate getting ready for college. disc jockey at crazy fun park within life and death.

                                                                                                         PHYSICALITY.

HEIGHT. 5'11" BUILD. athletic. in good shape. has a slight chub around his hips. HAIR. brunette, almost a mullet. EYES.  SCARS. a lot of scars from just doing stupid shit.  ABNORMALITIES. other than being dead? some brain damage from being electrocuted that effects his speech. TATTOOS. red, melting smiley face on his forearm that he got for his 18th birthday. PHYSICAL AILMENTS. abdnormal speech patterns due to electrocution. ex: eat your cereal with a fork. ALLERGIES. none.

                                                                                                          HEADSPACE.

ALIGNMENT. chaotic good MYERS BRIGGS.  esfp FEARS. being forgotten, something happening to his dj booth. DISORDERS. undiagnosed adhd, autism OTHERS.  n/a.

                                                                                                          BACKGROUND.

PLACE OF BIRTH.   CURRENT RESIDENCE.   RELIGION.  agnostic  FAMILY.  the fun kids. parents unknown, little sister who is a radio dj named asha. ( she's 30 now. ) STATUS.  lower-middle class

[athetos]

I honestly have no fucking idea how I went to college for 4 straight years full time without dropping out. Undiagnosed narcolepsy and adhd, unmedicated, I spent multiple semesters not even on antidepressants, or worse, on ones that made me violently ill, had a month-long bout of a stomach disorder I didn’t even know I inherited from my dad, spent half that amount of time in an abusive relationship, plus a ton more of vastly complex and out of control interpersonal drama, like I barely survived at all tbh but I somehow managed to get a degree? And 3 fucking minors? By the time I was 22? I barely attended some of my classes, people were so used to me falling asleep in the hallways that they’d just step over me and put my coat on me like a blanket, I only passed a couple of classes because I cheated on exams and broke down in the professor’s office and they pitied me, but I fucking did it?

Like, if I went back and time and did it all over again, only this time properly medicated and with a real support group, I would probably have a fucking 4.0, be in 5 clubs, did that crazy double major I joked about, and my life would be so unrecognizable. I’d be in a PhD program right now at some prestigious university and… okay, let’s be real, I probably wouldn’t be making more money than I am right now because I’ve seen what they fucking pay grad students, but that’s just insane to me, how differently my life could have turned out. Or maybe it wouldn’t be different. Maybe it would be the same, or maybe it would even be worse. Like, I’m dating a milf who’s 9 inches taller than me, so maybe this is the best timeline.

Yet, it’s kind of… both funny and depressing to know how fucked I get right now if I don’t have my meds, even if I’m not in a depressive episode. I can barely function without them. I’m asleep more than I am awake, I can’t focus, I have no energy, and if I go more than just a few days without my antidepressants I have full-on mental breakdowns and am borderline-suicidal. So, this of course means 1 of 2 things must be true. Either I wasn’t this fucked up in college, and my disorders must have worsened over time, or I was this fucked up and still forced myself through a degree. The second is probably the most likely, to be honest. And you might be thinking, “Ash, can’t you just remember and compare your symptoms?” You have to understand that I was so unbelievably stressed at some points that huge chunks of time spanning weeks is permanently locked away in my Repressed Memory Vault, and I was also a victim of gaslighting from someone who very much wanted me to believe I was crazy, but also was incredibly adamant I did not receive help (hence partially why I was undiagnosed and unmedicated). My memories aren’t really all that reliable, and the other thing is, I thought the narcolepsy part of it was normal. Or, well, that I was just lazy. I didn’t know what narcolepsy was beyond dramatizations in tv shows. I didn’t see my symptoms as symptoms, and therefore, I didn’t really keep track of them, if that makes sense.

All this to say, I think wishing my life turned out differently isn’t healthy and leads nowhere. I still ruminate on it from time to time, but it’s less from a depressive angle and more because I’m angry as hell that a lot of people failed me in my life during that time period. I should have been diagnosed and medicated, god knows I’ve seen enough therapists and doctors. I should have had a friend that would have helped me get the fuck out of that relationship sooner. I should have had more people supporting me and taking me seriously. But things turned out this way, and I gotta make my peace with that. I might be in a “better” place if things went differently from a certain viewpoint, at least career-wise, but it could be worse in other ways I’d never know. I need to put my energy into making sure the life I’m actually living is the best possible one for me. That’s all that matters.

[thespleenman]

the absolute insane misinterpretation of azula by the entirety of tumblr will actually kill me. anyway, i’ve gotten BACK into atla and. oooooh boy, i’ve had SO many thoughts about it but never had a way to communicate these to other people. but. now I do! and this post is entirely dedicated to Azula. and it will be opinion, but also sort of true? i dont think my opinion is necessarily MORE correct than anyone elses, but i think if i see one more post about it without having shared my view i will immediately combust. So, if you have a very precious view of azula for whatever reason, i wouldn’t read these. I don’t hate on azula or downplay her mental illness & relationship with ozai, but i also do discuss a lot of negative things azula has done. So, without further ado;

JAGA’S AZULA MEGA POST

1. Yes, Azula WAS an antagonist. She did awful things BEFORE the psychosis actually began (which. i will be talking about) and she should not be excused for that. Yes, she was 14, but she also was also incredibly intellegent and recognized that what she was doing things that WERE harmful to others (the whole “she was right of course” shows her recognition of these things.)

2. HOWEVER; she was practically groomed to behave the way she did, and i’m not just talking about Ozai. Ursa labeled her a monster before she could even truly understand the consequences of her actions. She grew up with this title, believing she fundamentally WAS a bad/awful/evil person, not that she had DONE things that were wrong. She also got praised and rewarded for the things her mother said were wrong, so she had just as much (if not more) internal strife. (hence her hallucinating her MOTHER and not Zuko or Ozai, despite seeing them more)

3. People often overestimated her intelligence, especially in the situation with Zuko coming home. No one in that situation would have said that she “failed” in any way, meaning there was no need for a back up plan like that. I think azula, in her own way, did care about Zuko. However, this one is just personal opinion but i believe she felt betrayed in the end, and thats what made her behavior towards him change so drastically in the last book.

4. I see a lot of argument about this, and this is one that i feel very strongly about, and that is that azula WAS one of zuko’s abusers. BUT azula had never seen anyone treat zuko CORRECTLY until way after her behavior to him was solidified. (i mean, iroh is not exactly a picture of great parenting, and he isn’t in the picture until AFTER ozai planned to kill zuko!) Hell, i’m willing to bet ozai rewarded her for abusing zuko, and beyond that, Azula probably believed that was ozai caring about zuko, the same way zuko did. Azula was not INTENTIONALLY abusing zuko, but that does NOT mean she didn’t.

5. Azula does not need a “redemption arc”, and i would argue that zuko did not have a typical “redemption arc”. Redemption Arc’s are for when someone is MALICIOUSLY hurting others, with full knowledge of it. Zuko just needed to see that the war was in itself wrong, and that ozai was lying about… pretty much anything. Azula needed that too! But, she instead was stuck (which. great job iroh! i love you but that girl was still a CHILD she could have CHANGED) with the man who had proven he would lie to anyone about anything to seem like a benevolent ruler. Azula also was mentally ill, NOT evil. yes, mental illness does not excuse any of her behavior, but someone doesn’t START with extreme and vivid hallucinations! i’m willing to bet she was struggling with some sort of personality disorder, which immediately brings all her behavior into a new light. (if anyone sees this post and wonders how i came to that conclusion, i will explain it, but it doesnt feel necessary to add currently)

thats all i have for now! i don’t know if i articulated most of my points well or anything, and i have no doubt that i will think of more things to add, but i really want to share some of these things, because i only see reaaally extreme views on azula, and i think she is more in the middle of both sides. if you actually read that word vomit, thank you, and adios

[ina-nis]

These are the kinds of posts that give me some hope (and somewhat more confirmation that what I’m dealing with is, indeed, AvPD). I feel like this could’ve been written by me.

“Not feeling socially fulfilled from socializing”

I haven't been diagnosed with AvPD, but I see myself on the "spectrum." A few months ago, I was in a bad place and I would say I had full-blown symptoms of AvPD. But I've made a lot of progress since then and am probably in the realm of "normal."

But one thing has been bothering me. I feel like even though I'm willing to spend time with friends. I just don't really feel like I enjoy it? It's like I'm expecting something... more? I think part of it is that as an avoidant person, I often feel like this person from the outside looking in at this world with so many beautiful human connections.

I believe, this is basically what Avoidant Personality Disorder “remission” would look like from a medical standpoint: you overcome anxiety, build social skills, are able to socialize semi-normally, your self-esteem isn’t in the gutter, you’re able to stand your ground, etc.

So... if you’re not avoiding as much anymore, and you can socialize, then what’s the problem? Why isn’t that successful? Why things don’t feel like true improvement?

Being able to socialize doesn’t translate into forming connections.

Forming connections don’t translate into “success” because it’s very likely those are superficial connections.

Superficial connections can become deeper ones, sure, but deeper connections usually happen off the bat, because you “click” with someone else, you have chemistry right away. They can be built, but they’re almost always found. You see each other eye-to-eye, and are able to state where you are and what you need.

An avoidant who is able to socialize might start forming lots of superficial connections, and that becomes more and more frustrating - those people are unavailable, right? You expect more, but they can only give you so much. They might be peers, and have lots of things in common with you, but some deeper connection is lacking...

As one of the replies in that post correctly points out: it’s not a matter of high expectations, but one of wanting to connect on a deeper level with people.

But this is hard because deeper connections require people to be able to be vulnerable with each other, to be able to open up, to impose their boundaries without fear of reprisal, to state their needs and find compromises... that’s a lot and most people are not emotionally prepared, or they might not have the emotional maturity or insight.

You may have found it yourself, but it’s likely most people don’t really do that kind of inner work, introspection pays off but it’s mostly too troublesome and painful, “ignorance is bliss” that saying goes. This is why they’re satisfied with “superficial” relationships - it might not even be superficial for them.

How to form deep connections with people in a society that prioritizes (and even romanticizes) convenience and usability even regarding interpersonal relationships?

Where some concepts started being seen in another light, with other meanings: commitment is undesirable because it can lead to co-dependency; being firm in your boundaries makes you difficult and inflexible, and can be toxic and hurt others; stating your needs is almost the same as emotional manipulation; you can never show anger and disapproval without it being abusive; you cannot demand clear communication from your friends and partners; love is all you need to make a relationship work; if someone doesn’t have any friends/partners it’s because of something they did/are; being alone isn’t that bad because you can do self-care; being independent and self-controlled is good and exemplary; etc...

The list is exhaustive and I really wish I were making this stuff up, but I’m not. These are things I have seen and heard online and offline and it all boils down to a push for individualization, eroding sense of community, and social relationship dynamics being medicalized to exhaustion.

Everything is disordered and every person you meet is fighting their own battles. But you have to mask and pretend everything is fine.

So you’re supposed to go through people and relationships like napkins. Take what you can while you can, and discard the rest. Have many relationships to meet all your needs - so you won’t have to discuss about your needs at all, and so on...

This is how it’s designed to “work”.

[manicpixieirl]

july 11, 2023

I’ve been diagnosed for five and a half years.

I was diagnosed three separate times because I didn’t believe my first two doctors.

Scenes from Girl Interrupted, The Bell Jar, and Mickey from Shameless flashed through my head. Couldn’t be me.

I always knew my moods swung like a swing on a set, but when I stopped drinking and kept swinging I started to believe it actually could be me.

Maybe I am bipolar.

I’ve believed in my diagnosis for four years, but spent the same amount of time trying to undo it. It feels as present as a broken bone.

I broke my collarbone when I was two and a half. I don’t remember it happening, but the way my mom tells it I was tired and couldn’t sleep, so I decided to jump on my bed until I fell off. I walked into my mom and dad’s room screaming at two AM, my left collarbone cracked in two.

I could have just gone into my mom’s room when I couldn’t sleep, asked her to rock me or hold me until I was calm enough to rest. Instead, I jumped. I’m not quite sure why. Sometimes I’ll joke around and say it was my first manic high, breaking my collarbone.

Bipolar disorder is a broken bone that never heals, but it does get a little easier to remind myself to ask for help instead of jumping on beds.

If you’re here because you have a diagnosis, I am so sorry to tell you; you can’t undo it. I thought that maybe, with enough journaling, meditation, and self-help books I could rewrite my story into one that was less manic and more poetic. A story where I was the first person to make it go away.

It will never go away.

I can’t rewrite my story. The only story I have to tell is one of acceptance.

Three full journals, eight go-to YouTube meditation videos, and a stack of books later; I am still bipolar.

What does it mean, bipolar? When you strip away the Hollywood-studded tales of bipolar characters who rob banks or hit their children all in the name of an illness?

What does it mean?

It means that I am capable of possessing a duality of feelings from day to day. More often than not, I feel them at full volume. I’m not skilled enough to stick it to capitalism and rob a bank; and if you think that just because someone playing a bipolar character on TV hit their child means that I will, you don’t belong in my life. Just because seagulls talk in the Little Mermaid doesn’t make it true.

I see the world through a very emotional lense. I’ll have big ideas, racing thoughts, and fixate on a single topic one day, and the next day I will crash like a wave on the shore, unable to focus on anything- pulling myself back together one microscopic cell of myself at a time.

I didn’t choose to be bipolar. I didn’t wake up one day when I was fourteen and decide to feel every emotion as if it were a second self- I was just born and it was, the same way I was born with my mom’s eyes.

I wish some people knew that. I wish the people that hear bipolar and think “crazy” knew that. Even better, I wish the people that hear bipolar and think, “I can fix her” knew that.

I am a little low today. On my low days, I wish to be fixed.

But I’m not a car that needs an oil change, I am a woman who needs grace and understanding and love. I am a woman who does not need to be fixed or tweaked or rearranged.

It has been hard, I have spent the past few days feeling like I need to hide myself from others because I have been burned before for letting people know who I am. It’s a lot easier to publish a blog about my journey than it is to confront someone who thinks my diagnosis could be the undoing of someone they love.

The truth is, I could never fully love myself until I learned to love the duality that exists within. I could never fully love myself until I rode every wave and crashed with it. I could never fully love myself until I accepted that I suffer from a very extreme mental illness, yet I choose to love myself anyways-

Because I deserve it.

The people in my life have a choice as to whether or not they want to choose me, accept me, and love me - diagnosis and all. If you love me, you have to love all of me; you have to love me on the nights where I cannot sleep because my mania has me hyper fixated beyond midnight. You have to love me on the days where I cry and the tears don’t stop because I felt a little too much. You have to love me on the days where I can’t get out of bed or on the days where I can’t comb my hair, and on the days where I impulsively dye it bright pink.

You have to love me on the days where I don’t love myself at all.

If you choose me, remember, every feeling I have for you is amplified.

Especially love.