#I'm feeling very soft and incredibly fortunate for my little work family

[kananjarus]

I think at some point in the last year my mom has realized I might not give her grandchildren so instead she’s taken to pseudo-adopting every single one of my friends who are all misfit 20 somethings, who basically now camp in my backyard for fun and are apparently coming for thanksgiving (my mom texted them all individually for the invite it was actually very cute). 

as an only child I’ve suddenly found myself with five other siblings in the span of months right before I turn 30. what is my life right now

[himitsu-luna]

Nct 127 - Creature series

File #6 - Jaehyun, the vampire

Genre: angst, supernatural, romance

Warnings: death of characters, mentions of killing methods, mentions of blood, pain, description of vampire bites and perfuration

Pairing: Jaehyun x reader

Featuring: Jeno

Word count: 2.7 k

Nct 127 creature series masterlist

The story

Jaehyun was born in 1797, as a normal human.

At that time, mankind and the vampire breed had a tense relationship. But, very strangely, everything seemed under control

When he was 24, because of a series of unfortunate events, involving conspirations and betrayals, a war broke out between the two races

Jaehyun, as a young soldier and leader of a troop, were sent to the battlefield.

Sad and bitter events happened, and he was turned into a vampire.

Since then, he lives for centuries and centuries, going from place to place, playing hundreds of roles, experiencing hundreds of lives, looking for one thing that keeps him going through his imortal existence

The powers

You either are born as a vampire or you become one.

You only become a vampire if you get bitten by one

However, when you get bitten by a vampire, it doesn't necessarily mean you will become one.

The cruel part of turning into a vampire is that it's not for free. In reality, it's an exchange of a life for another life.

The vampire transformation takes 2 hours to be completed, and it will only fully consolidate if the bitten person drinks a considerably large amount of human or vampire blood before the two hours end. Otherwise, when the time comes to an end, the person dies.

The person or vampire bitten by the incomplete transformed vampire inevitably succumbs.

In other words, the vampire transformation is always tragic, because someone always perishes in the end.

Vampires drink blood to survive, but it doesn't need to be human blood. They can survive with other animal's blood, but human blood is a completely different treat.

Jaehyun has an abnormal strenght, and over developed senses

He has basic telepathic and telekinetic abilities, which gives him great manipulation skills

He has the ability of quickly healing physical wounds

A few things are able to end his life though: fire, drowning, decapitation

– Report: Incident number 1

°°°

[year: 1821]

– "Jaehyun, do you really have to go?", you ask your husband for the 100th time at the doorstep of your house, firmly holding his hands, barely able to see him with your eyes blurred by tears.

– "Y/N, I do. I'm their leader. I need to fight. I need to protect everyone. And most importantly, I need to protect you. Don't worry, my love, I'll be back. I promise..." , Jaehyun responds you with a suplicant tone, his voice sounding deeper than usual, as he tries to hide the shakiness on it.

After a last passionate kiss, a last squeeze of hands, and a last long glance holding the desire of the two of you to freeze time, Jaehyun goes through the door without looking back. He has to admit he is afraid he may not live up to his promise. Vampires are scary beings. Powerful, almost untouchable. It's incredible how humans stand in this war against these creatures so far. Fortunately, some powerful vampires still side mankind, hoping the unlikely coexistence.

Taking a deep breath, Jaehyun jumps into the colourless truck that is going to take him and dozens of other soulless men to the battlefield.

...

[6 months later]

– "CHEERS TO JAEHYUN!!!!!!!"

– "CHEERS!!!!!!!"

– "Guys, guys!! Calm down!!! Hahahaha"

Jaehyun is being carried by dozens of euforic men, acclaimimg their leader for his bravery and determination to get every single one of his mates back to their families. The war is over. The last vampires retreated and, finally, peaceful days can be seen in the horizon. Tears are being shared, parties are being planned, but in the middle of all the deafening happiness, Jaehyun's only desire is to sink into your warm hugs again.

...

Turning around the last corner to reach his home, his heart racing madly, Jaehyun meets your comforting figure, that waited for him every single day at the door since he left, and that now is running to him with arms open. The vision of you completely blinds Jaehyun. He missed you so much. He can't wait to feel you again. But it blinds him so badly that he can't see the bloodthirst creature hidden in a dark alley, ready to jump on him. Still with his eyes glued on you, he watches your smiley face abruptly squirming into pure horror. He was given not even half of a second to process that scene, as he suddenly feels a piercing pain in his jugular, followed by his entire body landing on the ground, then a light breeze brushing his now even paler skin, as the treacherous vampire vanishes from the scene, releasing, with his gutural voice, an almost incomprehensible yet still powerful word: "Revenge".

Jaehyun’s senses are all messed up and his body convulses violently. But even imersed in chaos, his brain tries hard to not lose itself completely, as it percieves you getting closer and closer.

– "DON'T COME!!!" - he desperately yells, in his last effort to maintain his sanity.

But it's too late.

His concious falls apart completely. Everything gets red. Everything is too much, everything is overwhelming. He can clearly hear a rythmic heartbeat, that is not his own, resonating inside of his skull. He can clearly see the tempting purple path under a layer of skin, shining in high saturation in a waving hypnotizing motion. He can clearly feel his teeth landing on a soft surface and sinking deep into it. He can clearly taste the metalic flavor of blood spreading through his tongue. And after all of that, he can clearly smell your floral perfume, he can clearly feel hot heavy tears running down his cheeks, as he realizes what he has done.

Slowly getting his mind back as the sharp fangs retracts to the normal sized canines he is used to, Jaehyun is left in agony, all his face muscles contracted into profound sadness, looking at your fragile figure in his arms.

–"No no no no NOOO!!!! PLEASE NO!! Y/N, TALK TO ME!! Talk to me...please.....", he implores you, swinging his body back and forth, trying to keep you awake.

–"Jae.... It's ok.... It's o..k.... You... Are back... I'm so happy..." - you murmur, lifting your hand to wipe the cheeks of your beloved one.

You know how this works. You know that Jaehyun has become a vampire, and you know he won't die. You know he is safe. With that thought in mind, you smile relieved. You let your eyelids fall along with your hand, and, spending all of your remaining energy, you force your lips to move one last time : – "I love you...".

....

Standing in front of your grave, depositing your favorite flowers on the shining black marble, Jaehyun mentalizes his sorrowfull wishes over and over again, hoping they reach you:

– "I promise, Y/N, I promise you... I'll find you in whenever life you live, I promise I'll go back to you. I promise."

...

[Year: 2021]

–"OmG, I'll be late!! No no noo!!!! Stupid alarm!!" - you yell at the air, tripping on your cozy blankets, from your bed to your way to the ground.

A job like that would never fall on your lap again, for sure. You were a just graduated college student, visibly lost in the adult world, looking for a job so you can survive. You still can't believe that such a big company sent you this unexpected invite, willing to hire you. "I'm not mad, though.", you cheerfully think, while quickly spraying some perfum on the birthmark you have on your neck.

Shoving a piece of dry toast into your mouth while putting on your shoes, you rush to your first day at your new job.

....

You made it in time. Waiting for having a word with your new boss, you briefly look at yourself on the hand mirror you always take with you, fixing your messy hair and straightening your black blazer. Distracted in your own little world, you jump in surprise when an elegant man silently steps in the room, stands by your side without you noticing, and announces, with a resonant voice right into your ear:

– "Boss is ready to see you"

Having a look at the name tag hanging over the man's chest, you thank him:

–"Ohh, thank you.. hmm.. mr. Jeno! And I'm pleased to meet you!"

Jeno gives you a discreet smile, guiding you to a enormous poor iluminated room, in which a gorgeous and imponent figure stands behind an impressive desk. Your pupils take a few seconds to adjust to the weak lighting, but as soon as you exchange stares with that mysterious man, a weird wave of excitement runs throughout your whole body, like your blood is bubbling inside of your veins. You've never felt like this before, and it intensifies when you finally hear a deep, smooth, and weirdly familiar voice coming out of his mouth:

– Report: Incident number two

–"Hello, Y/N. Nice to meet you. You can call me Jaehyun".

–––

It has been five years you're working at Jaehyun's company. And it has been three years you stand beside him not only as his employee, but also as his lover.

Jaehyun is a fascinating man. But there's something very odd about him. You don't know if it's the way he seems to be able to go deep into your mind. If its the way he has the knowledge of an ancient person. If it's the way everything he does feels nostalgic. If it's the way he looks at you and you can see, along with a sincere love, deep sadness and sorrowfullness emanating from his eyes. If it's the way you are sure you knew him already even before your first encounter. If it's the way you feel like you've been waiting for him your whole life. –" Oh well, maybe there's something very odd about me as well." , you think in a dreamy state while watching Jaehyun sleeping peacefully beside you.

...

You are at Jaehyun's house, distractedly walking around and running your fingers through the fancy furniture, waiting for him so you can have the homemade dinner he's been promising you for weeks now. He finally found an empty spot in his busy schedule, and it has been good thirty minutes since Jeno let you know he and your boyfriend were at the supermarket, picking some ingredients. "Jaehyun must be so lost right now", you chuckle to yourself, wondering what weird things he would buy. But with the chuckle, you feel a light discomfort in your chest. You have a weak heart condititon since birth, so you're used to this sensation. "Ahh, not today! Today I have to be 100% good!" , you scold yourself, hoping the annoying feeling ceases soon.

But it's not. The light discomfort turns into a light pain. The light pain turns into a fierce pain. The fierce pain turns into and unbearable pain. Imersed in your suffering, you automatically massage your heart area and sustain your body stood by grabbing the nearest thing you can reach. And, before you lose your senses entirely, you can feel this thing moving, holding you tightly and carefully, and calling your name with that deep voice you loved so much : – " Y/N!!!!!!!!"

....

Staring at your motionless body on his arms, the dejavu Jeahyun is having is breaking him apart. After dozens of peaceful lives with you, he was not expecting losing you like this once more. Gradually and certainly, he is following your heartbeat on its crescent silence. He doesn't want to feel this pain again. If it's selfish, if it's benevolent, it's tricky – and even unfair – to judge the only thought that goes through Jaehyun's mind right now. With a decided and firm tone, he instructs Jeno:

– "Jeno, look after her, please. That's my last order to you."

With an almost imperceptible widening of eyes, seeing how his master determination even made his quivering less severe, Jeno answers him, trying to transmit in his voice the confidence and reliability he knows Jaehyun needs to feel.

– "Yes master, I understand. I will."

This phrase brings a peaceful expression to Jaehyun's face. Focusing completely on you, Jaehyun's fangs sharpen and he plants them into the flesh of your neck. You imediatelly wake up, as a wave of electricity runs through your body and excites every cell of it. You don't know what is happening, everything is so confusing with your blurred red vision. But you know you're thirsty. Your throat feels dry, and it claims something that is not water. You sense someone's body pressing itself on yours and, instinctively, you deep your teeth into the warmness, finding yourself satiating your needs with some unknown viscous liquid.

And a movie starts to play before your eyes. A movie staring you and Jaehyun. A movie showing all of your lives together. A wedding at a beach you've never been before. Jaehyun holding an unfamiliar happy dog you didn't know you missed so badly. You and him wearing antique clothes you've never owned, discussing about what to cook for dinner while watching the sunset. His crying face painted with red blots, his body swinging back and forth holding you in his arms, trying to keep you awake.

Drowning in an ocean of memories, you frantically attempt to resurface back to your present reality. Slowly pulling your teeth out of Jaehyun's neck, you gently wrap your arms around his cold body and sink your forehead onto his shoulders.

– "Jae... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...."

– "It's.... ok, Y/N, it's ok.... I'm the one who is sorry"

– "No! It must have been so difficult for you... All these years, all this waiting... I'm so sorry... And... thank you so much."

– "I know... You... Would do the same... For me."

At this point, you are not trying to hold your tears anymore. At this point, Jaehyun's life is already hanging by a thin thread. Showing his dimples to you, his last words come faint, but still carry heavily the pure meaning of them:

– "I love you."

[Year: 2058]

– "Master, the apartment was rented successfully.", the serious and steady man says coming out of nowhere, getting by surprise your anxious and wondering mind.

– "OMG, Jeno! Are you a vampire or a ghost, please!! But ok, thank you a lot. Let's prepare everything then." , you respond, barely hiding your excitement.

Packing your things in an untidy chaotic way, you suddenly stop your actions. Hesitantly and avoiding eye contact, you ask Jeno something that has been bothering you for years now:

–" ....Hmm...Jeno.... Do you.... Do you think he will still like me?"

Even though he was caught off guard by your question, Jeno promptly replies:

– "I have no doubt about it, master. Thousand of years could pass, his love for you would remain the very same. I've witnessed it, trust me."

You bite your bottom lip, trying to conceal the wide smile forming on your red crying face.

....

*Knock Knock*

Lying on the couch of his living room, Jaehyun lazily raises only his head, wondering who could be knocking on his door. He definetely is not willing to stop watching his drama to answer the unknown visitor.

*Knock knock*

Finally accepting that staring at the door would not make something magically happen, he decides to get up and open it. However, he was not expecting that such a trivial thing would be so life changing.

– " Hi, I'm your new neighbor! My name is Y/N, nice to meet you!", you nervously say, extending your already sweat hand to the admired boy in front of you.

Jaehyun is astonished. He thought he had his whole life figured out. But, all of sudden, only now he can say that everything makes sense, that everything is where they should be. Only now he truly feels alive. Like a breath of fresh air, like he is living in a completely new world, he grabs your hand firmly, afraid you could vanish, and asks you in disbelief:

–" Do I know you from somewhere?"

–" Maybe...", you answer, with a mischievous yet tender expression painted on your face.

Jaehyun smiles at you softly, feeling the comfort and the sense of familiarity that only centuries of linked lives could bring him.

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...

[mimisempai]

Hot chocolate is like a hug from the inside

Summary:

Kid Loki has nightmares, Mobius and Loki realize what it's like to be fathers... fortunately, there's nothing a cup of hot chocolate can't cure.

Day 12 : Hot chocolate

Notes:

Be aware that I have no idea what it is to be a (good) parent, but that's how I imagine it anyway...

https://archiveofourown.org/works/35669131

991 words - Rating G

"How is he?" asked Mobius, a worried expression on his face. Loki had just gently closed the door of young Loki's room. The boy had had a series of nightmares that had shaken him to the core. Mobius and Loki had taken turns all night to watch over his restless sleep.

"He's sleeping peacefully... finally." said Loki softly as he joined Mobius whose expression relaxed. Exhaustion could be seen on both their faces.

Mobius tried to get up from the couch. Loki motioned for him to remain seated, "Sit tight, Love, I'll get us something to drink."

Mobius didn't protest and put his feet up and lay down on the couch.

They had decided not to sleep until they were sure young Loki was okay.

Loki returned after a few minutes with two cups of chocolate and a package of mini marshmallows. Since he had discovered this drink, every opportunity was good to make it and Mobius did not complain because Loki's hot chocolate was divine.

Loki put everything on the coffee table and added some marshmallows to the two cups. He handed one to Mobius and, being careful not to tip his own cup, slid down to sit behind Mobius who was lying on the couch. Mobius just sighed with contentment, and took a sip of cocoa, humming to the comforting warmth the drink offered. He rested his head on Loki's chest and Loki closed the arm that wasn't holding a cup over him, pulling the plaid that was on the back of the couch.

Mobius sipped his drink and turned his head to Loki, "I'm glad he's finally getting some peaceful sleep."

Loki nodded and took a sip of chocolate as Mobius continued, "I'm exhausted, but I wouldn't trade my place for anything." Seeing that Loki was looking at him curiously, Mobius explained, "Of course I don't want Loki to go through the same nightmares, although I'm sure it will happen again and again, but we were there to help him. And we support each other. It's strange, but I really felt like we were, we are a family. Loki is always so responsible, acts so adult that sometimes I don't feel like a father, even when he calls me dad. But tonight, as he turned to me for help, I felt with every fiber of my being that even though we were not of the same blood, he was mine. I'm probably not making myself clear, but-"

Loki interrupted him by pressing a kiss to his head and said, "Very clear, love. You describe exactly how I felt. It was both scary with the responsibility involved but also exhilarating to be aware of the depth of the bond between us."

Mobius leaned a little more against Loki, happy to be perfectly understood.

They continued to drink their chocolate in silence.

Mobius, starting to be a little too hot, made a movement to release himself from the cover but fell back on Loki and the two men found themselves literally nose to nose. They both laughed, the last fragments of fear and worry from the night disappearing in this moment of joy. When Mobius didn't pull away, Loki moved his head forward and kissed the tip of his nose, noting the way Mobius' eyes widened at the kiss.Then Mobius leaned in to fill the space between them, took Loki's head in his hands, intertwining his fingers with the long black locks and kissed him gently.  It was an almost chaste kiss, it was not a search for pleasure, but just a moment of sweet intimacy, of comfort after the tumult of the night.

Their hearts beat in harmony. Loki deepened their kiss and brought his hands up to grab Mobius' face, and when he finally had Mobius' face in his hands, catching his breath, Loki noticed with amusement that he had a little Cocoa on his chin. He resumed the kiss, Mobius' mouth was soft, incredibly soft. Loki pulled Mobius closer to him with a slight downward tilt of his head and licked the little spot of cocoa on his chin. Then he pulled his head back and said with a soft chuckle, "You taste like cocoa."

Mobius' laughter joined his.

"Is there any more for me?" asked a sleepy voice from the doorway. They straightened up and looked at young Loki, his eyes still swollen from sleep, his black hair all disheveled, flanked by Croki who didn't look very awake either.

"Sure," Loki replied as he sat down, "come sit down, I'll get you a cup." Despite the fatigue Loki jumped up from the couch, walked briskly to the kitchen and ruffled Loki's hair even more as he passed.

"Hey Dad!"

As he prepared the chocolate, Loki wondered if one day his heart would stop skipping a beat every time the young boy called him dad.

A few minutes later he returned to the living room and thought to himself that he would probably never tire of this kind of scene.

Young Loki was snuggled up to Mobius who was gently stroking his hair. Croki had taken his place at their feet.

Loki stepped forward, and the two men in his life looked up at him with a smile on their faces. He handed the cup to the young boy, who added a more than generous dose of marshmallows. Meanwhile Loki sat down beside them, the boy between them.

Once the boy had finished his cocoa, he took his place against Mobius and put his feet on Loki's lap.

Mobius' hand this time reached out to Loki who took it, giving it a gentle squeeze.

Loki articulated without sound "I love you."

Young Loki's slightly mocking voice rose, "Dad, you're even sweeter than cocoa."

Loki blushed slightly and Mobius burst out laughing joined quickly by both Loki. For all three of them this shared joy erased the last shadows of the night.

Together they could overcome anything.

_________

As always, bear with me as it is not beta'd and english is not my native language. I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless🥰

Lokius Christmas series : here

[dimples-of-discontent]

Hwæt: I'm Waging a Campaign

Hwæt. We Gardena in geardagum,  þeodcyninga, þrym gefrunon, hu ða æþelingas ellen fremedon.

So. The Spear-Danes in days gone by and the kings who ruled them had courage and greatness. We have heard of those princes’ heroic campaigns.

(Beowulf, trans. Seamus Heaney)

Hello friends,

I’m cross-posting this from a CaringBridge site that I could link to but which will reveal my secret IRL identity since the URL is my name for ease of finding! (I actually think that’s fine but, y’know, use the info respectfully since I have worked to have separation between my professional social media and my fandom social media.)

This is an introduction and update on how things are going with my breast cancer. I’ll do some cross-posting, but most updates will be on CaringBridge and, potentially, a sideblog here that will be less family-approved and/or full of reflections on the whole process. I’ll link you to that if I make one. Thanks for all the good wishes and the gentle hellos and the positivity. It has been sustaining and I am lucky in my friends and family here. 💜💜💜

(Author's note! This is a long post with a fair bit of technical stuff that I find fascinating but don't expect you to. It's just hard to know how to catch you all up without going into detail but, if you like, feel free to skip to the last couple paragraphs.)

If you're here that means you already know many of the basic info, which is that about 6 weeks ago I was diagnosed with triple-negative, metastatic breast cancer. It's pretty nasty and aggressive and moved quickly from a large tumor in my left breast to my axillary lymph node to my lungs to the soft tissue next to my spine (with probable bone marrow involvement). It's probably about 6-9 months old. I wasn't looking for it since, at 34 with zero family history, I wasn't even old enough for screenings. But genetic mutations come from somewhere and it looks like I am the mutation.

Is there good news? Not much. (Not yet.) The tiniest bit is that more aggressive cancers tend also to be more responsive to treatment. The fact that it's triple-negative breast cancer (TNBC) means that the tumor is negative for the three types of receptors that can be used for additional therapies: progesterone, estrogen, and HER2. (A second test actually put my ER number at 20%...which sounds a little like me in general: although I seem very negative at second glance you'll see that I'm about 20% positive.) It's also negative for androgen. This means that the only potential kind of supplementary therapy that might help along with chemotherapy would be immunotherapy. I'm not a candidate for either surgery or radiation since the spread of the cancer is so pervasive and those are highly localized.

I haven't started treatment yet. For these past weeks I've been in a really difficult phase of undergoing a lot of tests to determine the character, extent, and location of the cancer. This was a surprise to me (and to my parents, who came out to NJ immediately and who have been living with me throughout this process). I sort of imagined that when you got the cancer diagnosis--which I did on January 24th at 11am when I was sitting in my office filling out a performance evaluation for my job at Princeton--they'd rush you off to an emergency room where they'd start treatment immediately. I definitely didn't anticipate having to schedule (a challenge in and of itself) and undergo so many tests and to have to wait, terrified, for each series of events. So far, this has been the hardest and worst part.

Being whisked off is more like what happens if your cancer is localized in the breast and associated lymph node. The big first question was whether the cancer was metastatic or not, which they found out with a CT scan that showed it, first, in my lungs. This was maybe the worst news of the whole thing because it meant that radical options to contain it (mastectomy, radiation) were out and that we had to do a bunch more investigating to figure out where the cells had hidden. There was a worry about my liver which showed a large mass that had been there since 2016 when I'd actually been tested for cancer--thanks to chronic fatigue and consistently elevated white blood cell counts--and come up clean. (Luckily the consensus is that the liver mass is benign since it "grew" only .7cm in 2 years, a possible measurement error.) This left the bone scan, which did show the tracer being absorbed, which led in turn to MRIs and a biopsy to confirm metastasis.

Every time I got a new result I learned that you really have to read the fine print when you wish to be exceptional. All of this is so statistically unlikely...and yet it's true.

All-in-all I had two biopsies of three tumors (breast, lymph node, soft tissue next to the spine), two mammograms, two CT scans, and three MRIs. This is in addition to office visits and blood work. I began working with a medical oncologist at Memorial Sloan Kettering (MSK) in Manhattan which brought me back to the city more times than since I left after college. It was looking like the only possible treatment option was single-agent chemo. Most clinical trials for TNBC require that you have been treated first. (I have "de novo" metastatic disease, meaning it had already spread when they first discovered it rather than that it was treated locally but spread anyway.) Others require hormonal receptor positivity. The few I was eligible for were often not enrolling.

However, thanks to the tireless research efforts of my dad, we found out about a clinical trial at the Dana-Farber clinic in Boston that I am potentially eligible to join. It's testing an immunotherapy agent that has already proved effective with TNBC with one chemo agent with a different one. (It actually just got approved by the FDA.) The only trick is that the way the immuno agent works requires that you have a specific protein (PDL1) to really see results. Essentially, one way cancer cells sneak around is switching off your immune system so it can't "see" that they are invaders. The turning off of the immune switch happens with a protein bond involving PDL1; the immuno agent being tested blocks that bond so that the "lights" stay on and the cells can't sneak around as easily. Clever! But if I don't have the protein it's not clear that either being in the trial or getting the now-FDA-approved treatment will benefit me more than single-agent therapy.

So that's the test it's all depending on right now. I should hear in the next couple days. If you want to send positive vibes and wishes and make sacrifices to your god(s) of choice, do it for PDL1 positivity. I feel discouraged, since I've been negative for everything so far, but these are all independent events.

I am also waiting for genetic testing to see if this is a germline mutation--like BRCA--that I inherited. This might affect future treatment and, if I did have one, could be good news because BRCA1 and BRCA2 are very heavily researched...in fact, when I worked in breast cancer research at Wash U Med School I was working with the BRCA lines. (For those who don't know, I started college wanting to go to med school--or at least get a PhD in genetics--so I spent 3 summers between age 16 and 19 studying breast cancer. It's equipped me well to have these discussions, though I certainly imagined being the doctor rather than the patient.)

There are three treatment options that I will (hopefully, hopefully) finalize soon.

I will have the PDL1 protein and will enroll in the clinical trial at Dana-Farber. This will require traveling to Boston every 3 weeks for intensive assessment and new rounds of chemo. The agent involved will make regular life a little rougher since it's by IV and only every 3 weeks. (And I might be in the control group, in which case I'd only be getting the chemo agent. I will, however, know which group I'm in.)

I will have the PDL1 protein and will receive the now-FDA-approved immunotherapy/chemo combination in Princeton with a local doctor and Dana-Farber only doing big-picture stuff.

I will not have the PDL1 protein and will receive single-agent chemo in Princeton, probably orally (twice a day) which is less intensively bad and more low-grade bad all the time. (There is, I guess, a kind of 3b. in which I decide to enroll in the trial even if I don't have PDL1 but it seems less likely.)

So, if you are keeping track of the big decisions that will allow me to actually, finally, begin actively fighting against this that's the last one. I appreciate all the notes that you've been sending so far. I get "message fatigue" but I see all of them and, in fact, have been saving all of them to look back on when things get even harder. So if you'd like to leave love and encouragement here too please know that I will see it and it will be helpful. I'm very unfortunate in this but incredibly fortunate in the number of people I have out there pulling for me and offering support.

Love to you all.

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