#I'm rambling I'm a little tipsy but Trust Me when I say I think about this so gd much

[byanyan]

mhm, mhm, we're thinkin about byan's inferiority complex tonight. you know, the one they overcompensate for through self-obsession and looking at what most would consider to be good or normal behaviour as boring and beneath them? the one that makes them embrace being a Problem because at least they're good at that while also having them basically give up on trying to do well in school? yeah, that inferiority complex.

[piratefalls]

Do you take fic rec requests? If you have any 911 outsider POV fic recommendations, I’d be so so appreciative. Buddie, Madney, general firefam, I’ll take it all 💖💜💙

i hope this is sufficient, and thank you for asking me to make this! i'm always taking requests!

your heart's still smoking (the lines are open) by tuckergreeen

Eddie Diaz is the guy who keeps his cool. Until he doesn't.

Or: Hen thinks Eddie is a bit of an enigma.

got a secret, can you keep it by lecornergirl

Chimney would really like to know which elder deity he’s pissed off in order to end up in this position not once, but twice.

This position being trapped in a conversation, listening to the tipsy, lovesick ramblings of a coworker.

OR: Buck and Eddie both separately confess their feelings to Chimney and ask him to keep them secret. Chimney is not good with secrets.

HIPAA versus the Heart by intotheblue

“Eddie?” Carolynn asks.

“Yeah, my best friend? I’ve told you about him, he’s the one that got shot. He’s been acting weird ever since I broke up with Taylor.”

Oh. Oh no. Surely it’s a coincidence. There has to be more than one Eddie who’s been shot in LA.

“Do you and Eddie work together?” Carolynn asks

“Yeah, we’re partners. Most of the time, anyway. Right now he’s working with Hen, just until Chimney gets back.”

Ah. This is not ideal.

AKA: The one where Buck and Eddie accidentally end up seeing the same therapist

We Were Like a Time-Bomb Set into Motion by HMSLusitania

A week in the life of members of the 118 as they watch Buck and Eddie's completely platonic friendship catch fire. Good thing, then, that they're all firefighters.

OR

Buck and Eddie are the last to know they're in love, and it's gonna take some not so gentle nudging.

woke up the girl who looked just like you, i almost said your name by rarakiplin

“You forgot this at my place,” he says, dropping a set of keys into Eddie’s hand. “Figured you’d need them to get home.”

“Oh,” Eddie says, looking down at his own hand for a second before aiming a grin up at Tommy, who’s got one or two inches on him. “Thanks.”

Tommy’s resulting grin fades into a wince when he glances over Eddie’s shoulder and catches the surprise on Chim’s face. “Sorry, is it, like, disrespectful to wear hats in here? Like in school?” He tugs the beanie off, and he’s got dirty blond curls that tumble loosely over his forehead.

Chim blinks, then blinks again, because with the hair Eddie's...friend almost looks like—No. He can’t look like Buck, actually, because that would be the funniest thing to ever happen in the history of humankind and Chimney would have to quit his job to dedicate the rest of his life to laughing about it.

-

Or, five times Eddie dates a guy a little too similar to Buck, and one time he dates the real deal.

good love grown by farfromthstars

“Hi,” Buck says, and Albert suddenly feels like an intruder even though he is the one who currently lives here, thank you very much. “Hi,” Eddie says back and yeah, he’s definitely never looked at Albert that way. Or anyone who isn’t Buck, as far as Albert can remember.

or

living with buck gives albert a front row view to whatever it is buck and eddie have got going on.

Your Name A Promise In My Mouth by kitkatpancakestack

She stood from her desk and hoped the expression on her face resembled something warm and trusting. She faltered a bit when the two men walked through, one brunette and the other blond, both huge and muscular and a bit intimidating. They were dressed in civilian clothes, both in denim, the blond with a LAFD sweatshirt and the brunette wearing a red and black flannel. She zeroed in on the gold wedding bands on their fingers, and took it as a good sign neither had taken there’s off in some show of passive-aggressive defiance.

"So," she said. "Let's start at the beginning."

* Buck and Eddie attend Couple's Therapy, told entirely through the therapist's POV.

the implications of observation by intotheblue

Sometimes, Ravi misses the B shift. It’s not that A shift isn’t great! They are. They’re also just… a little weird.

Like, okay, take Buck. That guy goes from zero to I’m transferring stations real fast.

He’s learning a lot, though, and he likes Captain Nash better than the B shift Lieutenant, so all and all he’s happy with the change. Most days.

Today is not most days.

Today, Ravi is frustrated.

AKA: Ravi is sure something's going on between Buck and Eddie. Inexplicably, no one else can see it.

call you home by ashavahishta

"He’s like, so pretty sometimes I can’t believe he’s real?” He’d rambled once, so tired at the end of shift he was basically drunk with it.

“I’ll take your word for it,” Hen had said patiently, and patted him on the shoulder. “I like girls, remember?”

“He’s built like a Greek god with the face of an angel,” Eddie had argued, a stubborn set to his mouth like he was determined for Hen to believe just how gorgeous his husband was. “Even you couldn’t resist that.”

Or: "Eddie Diaz drinks his 'I fucking love my husband' juice for 6,000 words." OR "5 Times Eddie Told The Firefam About Buck and 1 Time They Actually Met Him".

like a revelation by throughfire

In which Maddie is confused by Buck and Eddie's relationship status, until someone makes her realize that she shouldn't be.

Actually, Truly by MilenaDaniels

Isabel calls to tell them Eddie's been shot on a Thursday afternoon and by lunch on Friday Helena and Ramon are landing at LAX. When they land, they learn Eddie's already home recovering and has been for two weeks.

----

Or, Helena (and Ramon) tries to find a way back into Eddie's life and doesn't know what to make of finding Buck around every corner she turns.

Does Your Firehouse Know? by allyasavedtheday

In retrospect he thinks he should’ve knocked, which is stupid because it’s a communal space and they all have a bed in there. But for his sanity- yeah, he probably should’ve knocked.

He hadn’t though. He’d opened the door, eyes half on his phone as he’d checked the time to see if Maddie would be feeding Jee, only to stop in his tracks right inside the doorway because-

Because Buck and Eddie were kissing.

No, not even kissing- making out.

“Oh my god,” he blurted out, clapping a hand over his eyes and trying to shield himself from the mental image as he’d stumbled back into the doorframe.

“Oh my god,” Buck exclaimed, sounding horrified.

“Oh my god,” Eddie had added then and the sheer depth of long-suffering exasperation in his voice had been enough to make Chimney peek out from behind his hand.

*

After Chimney accidentally discovers Buck and Eddie are together they ask him to keep it a secret for a few weeks while they settle into their relationship. It goes about as well as expected.

Those Two Firefighters by DarkFairytale

#thosetwofirefighters starts to gather a following on social media, as everyone tries to figure out if those two cute firefighters from the 118 in LA are a thing or not.

to be his by autumnchills

The truth is that she should have known. She should have known it the second she saw Buck sitting in the waiting room covered in blood. If not then, then she should have gotten the picture when she saw him last night at Eddie’s bedside.

Now, she definitely knows. Seeing Evan Buckley asleep in the hospital waiting room chairs in last night’s clothing is enough for her to know two things.

One is that Buck loves Eddie.

That much is clear to anyone who looks at the man, and anyone who doesn’t see it is as oblivious as Eddie.

━

In the aftermath of Eddie being shot, Ana comes to a realization about her feelings toward the man as well as Evan Buckley’s feelings toward his best friend.

[lihikainanea]

I may have missed a blurb but I haven't seen how Bill would Actually Confess to Tiger once he realizes he's fallen head over heels for her. I got to this point bc honestly, right now, I don't feel safe around boys my age anymore and it's today that I realized this. All of them, the ones that befriended me in the past and then Confessed just ended up giving me trauma that I'm now dealing with (I'm no saint I had faults too ofc, but yeah). I just feel like they just wanted to be friends with +

Anonymous said: + me to get with me. And they all just, said nice things and promised nice things and never delivered and I was just younger and stupid for settling for so so little!! Anyway, safety is such a big thing with Bill and Tiger so I realized, if Bill does confess that's one thing that would be assured by. He's not like Heartbreak Boy or anyone else before, this is Bill, Her Best Friend, and yes it would take time to process her own emotions but yeah. She'd be okay with Bill. 

Anonymous said: + Sorry!!! I just went on here and rambled and projected AHSKDIFLGL I guess I just hope that when my irl BFF!Bill comes, I'd have the courage to let my guard down. Because, I'm too scared right now. - 🌼

Baby, you touched on something here that is so, so important to me that I’ve never quite been able to put into words.

It’s crucial to me, and I emphasize a lot, that from the get go....tiger and Bill were best friends. That’s it. There were no hidden feelings, no secret intentions. He didn’t want anything more from her other than her friendship and presence in his life, and it was likewise with her. And yes, he absolutely still took care of her not unlike he does in their dynamic now--but he did that because he loves her and that’s the kind of dude that he is. But in the beginning, it was 10000% platonic. Always.

Because I get what you mean--and I always kind of thought I was alone in this, because my friends legitimately don’t see it as an issue. But I have a big trust issue with dudes who pretend to want to be my friend, when they’re really after something more. Something about it just feels so...dishonest. Manipulative, almost. And I get it, that feelings can develop over time in a really organic way and that is fine, I don’t object to that in any way. But when feelings are present already, and if you can’t get one thing you’re after then you try for the next best thing in HOPES it’ll turn into the thing you want? Get the fuck outta here with that. It just really creeps me out.

And I think, to get all ~deep~ about these two for a second in what is really just self-reflection--I think the reason why tiger trusts him so much is because Bill never pulled any of that shit. He never crossed any lines--it didn’t matter how drunk he was, how drunk SHE was, he never ever gave her a reason not to trust him completely. Bill was never an opportunist, because he never felt that way about her. And that, in turn, made her feel really safe with him.

I get it, boo. I get where you’re coming from. It was important to me to portray these two that way because I find the alternative just strikes too raw of a nerve for me. I have guy friends who legitimately consider me as their sister, they’ve never tried anything, never will try anything, and a few years ago when one of them developed feelings he told me straight away--which I appreciated, tremendously.

But then there are those guy I know who are just...I watch myself around. I won’t get too drunk. Won’t let them get too close. And it’s not that I think they’ll do anything horrific, but they toe the line with what they say, how they act. And I think any woman out there--and some men, definitely--know what I mean when I say it just makes your stomach turn a little. Those are the dudes that you trust until. Like, they’re okay guys until you’re tipsy and they see an opportunity. They’re okay guys until they smell fear.

And actually, in typing that--you know what? Fuck those guys. That’s not okay at all. But I think we--well, I--try to say it’s okay because of how many of them I know like that.

There are a lot.

Anyway, I’m sorry cupcake. You’re not stupid, and I know from experience how incredibly...betrayed, you can feel about all of this <3

[craniumaniac-moved]

【 night of the lockdown . 】✘

a discord rp ft. @tender--age--in--plume​

This roleplay is set during the night of the Po Town lockdown put into effect by Plumeria after a bomb threat. The threat was a result of the events that took place the previous night when Rico ( @komala-scientist ) purposefully baited Guzma to beat him up. Warning: It’s long, took us over 12 hours to get done, and it’s emotional.

Mercifully, things have begun to quiet down. Shady House is fuller even than usual, with many team members having chosen to stay in the main house due to the lockdown rather than overflowing into the surrounding houses as is typical. The beds are packed and many have piled up on the floor like dogs. Plumeria doesn't mind, She likes knowing exactly where everyone is, especially at a time like this. Unable to sleep, she laps around the mansion and checks in again and again. Eventually her travels lead her to the Throne Room; she hesitates with her hand on the knob for a moment before sighing and letting herself in. "Hey, G."

While it may have been a hectic day for everybody else, it had been a quiet one for the Skull Boss. Holed up in his room and not communicating with anyone, he napped, he snacked, he drank, he smoked, he watched porn, and he played some GTA and even some Pokemon Crossing. Currently, he sat on his bed, a drawing pad open in front of him, many colored pencils scattered around him, and a bottle of gin nestled between his legs. He's surprised when she comes in, looking up with a small gasp. She'd been keeping him updated professionally, but other than that he didn't think she wanted anything to do with him currently. This mess was all kind of his doing ( but mostly Rico’s, as he would strongly argue ), although he wasn't taking it very seriously himself. He considered the entire series of events to be completely stupid, to put it frankly. "Hey, P. Sup."

There's a little pause as she notes his relaxed posture, a hint of resentment welling in her. The door closes behind her and she folds her arms, regarding him with a cool gaze. "Have a nice night?"

He shrugs, looking back down to his drawing pad to continue coloring something in. "I guess... Just tryin'a keep chill."

A small sigh ... she approaches the bed and comes to sit next to him.

He's quiet for a little bit as he puts the finishing touches on a Scolipede doodle. When he's done, he decides a big swig of his drink is overdue, still finding it hard to look at her. "How're you doin'...?"

"Shitty," she replies honestly, leaning over to slump against him. "Long night. Think shit's coolin' down now though."

"Ya prolly deserve some good sleep, y'know..." Another swig.

"Maybe ... was worried about you, though." She glancing at the sketchbook. "Guess maybe I shouldn't'a been ... looks like you ain't been much bothered."

"Oh, 'm bothered, that's fo'sure." He reaches to flip to the next blank page in the sketchbook, starting to think of what to draw next. "But I ain't scared."

There comes a small huff through her nose. "You ain't scared'a nothin'."

"Well... guess 'm lyin' a lil bit. I'm scared'a you bein' upset wit' me..."

Silence, for a few moments. "...I ain't very happy right now, that's for sure. But ... I dunno. I ain't really pissed at you."

In those few moments, he grabs a black colored pencil and nearly puts it to the paper multiple times before he realizes he can't draw with someone watching, not even Plumeria. A sigh. He closes the sketchbook and starts to bundle up the pencils. "I'unno what ya want me to do. I didn' fuckin' do nothin' wrong..."

Sighing deeply, she leans back against the headboard. "I know. I was pissed at you for not tryin' and then you tried and Rico went and fucked shit up. I just ... I dunno why you couldn't both try make it work for me. When one'a you was tryin' the other one was makin' shit hard and then you switched places. I was real excited when I thought shit might actually be okay ... I wanted it so bad. More then I ever wanted anything. And now it's all shit."

"Yo I fuckin' learned from my mistake before, s'why I was tryin' to try last night. Rico's a fuckin' idiot t'not go 'long wit' it." He flops his art supplies to the floor next to the bed, stretching out his legs and leaning back with her, gulping down some drink as he does so. "I knew you'd be real excited. I was, too. Not really to be his friend or nothin' but I knew it'd make ya happy... n' proud'a me. I was real proud'a myself, steppin' back 'fore I dove in givin' him a hard time, instead decidin' on tryin'a relate to him somehow. Even if it was just our fuckin' birthdays bein' around Halloween." A pause. "Yeah. It is all shit. I'm real, real sorry, Plumes. He's not gettin' another chance wit' me after pullin' that shit on me..."

She anticipated that, but it's still painful to hear. She pulls her knees up to her chest and wraps her arms around them, resting her forehead against the backs of her knees. "I know."

But wait, there's more. The kingpin's about to go on a tipsy ramble. "He fuckin' used me, Plumeria. Asshole was thinkin', 'Hurr durr I wanna get hurt 'cause boohoo I hate me! I know what I can do! I can go make the big dumb thug get mad! I'll take advantage 'a how easy it is to piss him off 'cause he's so stupid! Insert some random ass gibberish ain't nobody got time for! And fuck Plumeria's feelin's to hell 'cause obviously I don't give a shit about her!' Arceus damn!" A deep breath. He's clutching the neck of the gin bottle so tightly his hand is trembling and his knuckles are white. "Ya tol' me to shut up earlier when I was tryin'a say this, but you keepin' close to him got me real worried."

As he speaks, she closes her eyes. Okay, Melia. Keep it together. Slowly, gradually, she unwinds, stretching her legs back out and sitting up to square her shoulders. How stupid of her to think that coming to him would give her a soft place to land. "Yeah, well. I wouldn't be who I am if I gave up on every person who hurt me," she replies stiffly.

Finally, he turns his head to look at her. "You tryin'a hold on like he's family, but he ain't yo' family, Plumeria. That's me, that's all'a Skull, that's Tutu n' anybody else you close wit' who don't fuck wit' us like T n' even Hyde. I been fucked wit' by Rico, so's T."

"You tellin' me you want me cut him out?"

He runs a hand through his hair and sighs, becoming distressed. "I can't control what ya do. Jus' don't be fuckin' disappointed in me for not acceptin' him like he's part'a the fam."

Time passes. At last, a slow nod. "I understand." She's still not looking at him.

And he looks away. Hugging the bottle close to his stomach with one hand, his other hand covers his eyes as he hunches over. "I'm sorry..."

Her eyes snap closed again. "I'm sorry, too."

"You still gonna be disappointed in me, aren't ya?" Shuddering sigh. "Dammit, I was so proud 'a me, Plume, I really was... Couldn't wait for you bein' proud 'a me, too..."

"I ain't disappointed in you, G. I'm just ... disappointed. I really wanted this, and I--thought I could trust him." Her voice breaks.

He sits up, places his bottle on the floor and scoots himself over to her, arms slipping around her for a Komala hug. "It's gonna be aight, y'know..."

The moment he touches her ... she breaks. It starts with a sharp, haggard gasp and a flinch, her eyes shutting tight as her body tenses up, and then continues with ugly, shuddering sobs that wrack her body.

Although it's not something he has never experienced with her before, the reaction admittedly startles him. He doesn't know whether to stop or to hold on tighter, so he simply loosens his grip for the time being. "Plumes...! Shhh... I got ya, Plumes...," he attempts to soothe.

She grips his arms around her tightly as though to keep him from slipping away, squeezing, gulping down deep, wet breaths until she calms down enough to speak. "...Sorry."

Since she seems to want him to continue holding, he squeezes and he doesn't stop, rocking her back and forth slightly. "That's okay, P. Just let out what ya need to. G's here for ya."

"I'm––s–so–––fuckin'–––tired..." She chokes, gritting her teeth hard as she tries to swallow down the fresh wave.

"C'mon, let's put ya to bed then? You been workin' real hard today..." He doesn't quite get it.

"No...not tired like that. Tired of this." She sniffs wetly, lifting a hand to swipe at the tears that have fallen.

"Oh..." He lovingly kisses her cheek and the edge of her jaw, hoping to further comfort her. "I still don't quite get what ya mean... What's 'this' exactly...?"

She stammers, then takes a big, shaky breath. "I just...spent all day...talkin' to the fam, textin' with Aether, dealin' with people wanna kill you, makin' sure everybody safe, dealin' with Nanu...and you been in here drawin'. 'Cause you think it's all stupid. Well, maybe it's stupid for you...maybe this all real fuckin' easy for you...but it ain't easy for me. It's hard. I never signed up for do this all alone. You s'posed'a have my back." A ragged breath. "Maybe...maybe you don't even care. Maybe this all sounds like more bullshit 'cause you don't think you did nothin' wrong...like that makes it better...like that means less fallout for me. Well--at least you got somethin' you wanted outta it all." She sighs. "I stayed home."

His mouth falls open and slowly and unsurely... he lets go of her. Maybe he deserved it, but that really, really wounded him. "Nobody came t' me 'bout anything...," he says weakly. "An' I didn't come to nobody 'bout anything neither 'cause I felt like I'd fuck it up. I'd get mad we was even havin' to deal with this stupid shit Rico's dumb friends brought on us 'cause they ain't know shit, 'cause he can't fuckin' make it clear he asked for it, makin' me out to be all fuckin' wrong when I—" Deep breath. He doesn't want to get off track. "Plumes... I'm real thankful ya stayed home... real thankful for all the shit you done today... been wantin' to talk to ya but I thought you was still too mad at me..." Suddenly standing from the bed, he begins pacing the room to help expend some of his newfound anxious energy before he possibly cracks, pulling at his hair.

Her eyes follow him. When he stands she wraps her arms around herself and draws a deep breath. "I know...I know." Her eyes slip shut. "I don't..." Fuck it, Melia. He doesn't understand. He gonna think me stupid. Trust him. "I don't wanna lose my dad. Again." She winces, bracing herself as though for impact.

He stops his pacing and just stares at her, hands still gripping his hair, but the tenseness in his posture goes limp with a heavy exhale. "Plumes... He ain't your dad. Even if he was he ain't been a good one, 'specially not that I ever seen."

"No...you ain't ever seen it. And you never asked, either." Her face is expressionless.

"What's'at s'posed to mean...?"

"Just ... there's more to it than you ever saw. There's more to it than I ever told you. You actin' like you got all the information ... and you don't."

He lowers himself to the floor, sitting and curling into a ball in the middle of the room. "I try stay outta yo' business like'at...," he mutters. "And... look... I been there, done that havin' a father in my life n' it's jus' not somethin' I think's worth it. Hard for me t' get, hard to want to. But if there was stuff ya wanna tell me I'd'a listened..."

Slowly, she sinks to the ground and crawls over to settle down beside him, hesitantly lifting a hand to gently stroke his back. "I... never really thought you wanted for hear it. Maybe I could'a prevented all this if I been more honest with you." She sighs. "I know it ain't a topic you got good feelin's about, but ... I dunno. It's important for me. Was important for me ... still is important for me. Just ... I guess maybe I gotta make a choice now." She bites her lip. "Nothin' I want for myself can be more important than my fam ... no matter how bad I want it."

"What options you think you got...?" His head is lifted and he turns toward her. Selfishly, he'd want her to cut Rico out. The things the man has done around him and said to him about his family—their family—are unforgivable, really. But if he is truly a father figure to her who makes her happy, Guzma doesn't want her heart broken... He'll try his best to accept whatever she chooses.

"That's the thing, G. I dunno if I got an option."

"Well then I mean what're you thinkin'...?" He uncurls himself from the position he was in and once again puts his arms around her.

"I'm thinkin'..." Deep sigh. She shuts her eyes and stiffens, refusing to lean into his embrace—not out of anger, but because she needs herself to be strong at the moment. "I'm thinkin' I been puttin' my own needs ahead'a my fam too long. If it gotta come down between him and their safety... it's gotta be them."

Guzma gives a nod. "My opinion's prolly obvious, but I do think that's smart thinkin'..."

So ... that's it. She goes stone silent and still.

"I'm... sorry. I don't want you hurtin'..."

"It don't matter." She stands. "You okay?"

"Yes it fuckin' does matter." He stands as well, letting her slip out of his arms and ignoring her question.

"G... don't."

"Don't what?!"

"Don't make this harder for me."

A big sigh. "Aight. Fine. I'll shut up."

"'M doin' what you want and what's best for the fam. You ought'a be happy." She pauses and drops her gaze, glancing towards the door. "So should I."

"I mean, I guess, yeah... but still hurts seein' you hurtin'. Always will."

"Yeah, well ... I had my chance. I fucked it up." Her words are cold--not cold like ice, but cold like a corpse.

"You didn't fuck up nothin'."

"Yeah. I did."

He crosses his arms and looks away, not wanting to argue anymore.

Silence.

"I love you. Missed ya lately, too..." His gaze is still averted.

"...I love you, too."

He looks at her with a tiny smile.

He does not receive one in kind. "You need me tonight, G?"

Swallow. Noticing she doesn't smile back, he loses his. "Uhm..." He shakes his head. A lie.

"I'm gonna need a couple hours off-base. I wanna tell him in person." She doesn't meet his eye.

"...'Kay."

Anguish.

"What is it, P? If you done here, if ya don't need me, ya can go on..."

She shakes her head. "Ain't about not needin' you. You know that, yeah?"

Nod. "Uh-huh. So what you still here for?"

"Nothin', I guess." She doesn't move.

He just stands there, looking at her with a subtle glare.

...Sigh. "A'ight. Later, G." Finally, she turns to go.

He almost stops her, wishing he could give her a quick kiss, but is afraid she'll reject it after how the past few days have gone. "Lemme know how shit goes. I'll be awake, I'll be here for ya."

There's a brief pause in the doorway. "...I know. Thanks, Guzma." She doesn't look back. The door closes behind her.

He sighs, finding his unfinished bottle of liquor to continue nursing the thing, and places himself on his throne so his bed doesn't tempt him to pass out.

[winterheart17]

You are so sweet

Which is a lie btw because my sister chipped in and said that she dm-ed more of my mates on instagram. And then my mother keeps blaming it on me and asking me why I'm annoyed with her. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the worry and concern but I'm old enough and it's barely even half an hour. And I just realised that my mother dictates whatever I do, micromanages my life and controls everything. So at the end of the whole fiasco, I took a cab home and just slept for 6 hours. 

And I understand that's not necessarily the most healthy of coping mechanisms but it's how I cope, I avoid or repress my feelings. My mother always asks me why I sleep so late or why I take so long to shower and my answer to her is usually the same: just a slow poke. But truly I do that as a form of escapism from life and my family (not just her). And honestly the only time I have the courage to talk about my feelings are when I'm slightly tipsy (like now when there's vodka in my coffee cup). 

And I'm just tired and I don't know whether my sentiments are justified logically. Being a rational person, it's pretty hard to draw the line between rational and irrational feelings. And I'm usually the friend to find solutions to peoples problems (helped 4 people with their stress related mental breakdowns in the past week) but I can't seem to solve my own problems. I'll usually just make a joke and change the subject when something bothers me.

_______________________________________________________________________

Hihi there, 

Okay, so first up, I’m so sorry about thefiasco that happened with your mum. It was a crappy situation to be caught inand I know exactly where you’recoming from because I was raised by a very strict mother who used tomicromanage my life (she still tries to at times). It was difficult growing upwith her at times, I admit, especially when I felt so distrusted when I hadnever done anything to make her think I was anything other than responsible. Ithink part of it also stems from the fact that we (me and you) generally don’trebel as well, so, our mothers sort of think it’s okay to carry on doing whatthey’ve done all along.

I’m not saying that it was right of her andI agree that calling so many of your friends when you were just 10 minutes latefor lunch was an overreaction – perhaps she was genuinely concerned and worriedespecially if you’re the sort of person who’s never late to a meet-up and Godknows with all that’s been flooding the news recently, that may have been hertiger mum instincts kicking into gear!

All that said and done, I do think it’ssomething you should talk to her about. Again, easier said than done –sometimes, talking may not resolve anything. But if you’ve not tried this as anoption, I’d advise picking another time and place when things have calmed downto bring the topic up. You can casually open with: “Mum, you do realise that I’m18 now and I appreciate your concern and worry, but I’d also appreciate it ifyou could trust me a little bit more and let me find my footing.” Just makesure to state really clearly that youunderstand her good intentions and that this is in no way a form of youattacking her – but that you’ve realised you’ve been nothing but responsibleand you hope she can show some good faith in you – even though relinquishing controlover her “little girl” can be hard. Don’t expect major changes right away asthese things take time – it will take small nudges and casual reminders if youcatch her micromanaging you again.

Aww honey, I’m so sorry to hear thatbecause to be honest, it sounds like it has been weighing on your mind for along time now – this coping mechanism. I’ve personally never been one to shyaway from acknowledging my emotions – I love digging and sifting through thedirt and I could most probably sit and cry for a good hour if that’s what Iwanted to do to feel better about a situation!

First up, I want you to know that you areallowed to feel however it is the way you want to feel. You don’t need to feelas if your sentiments are justified logically or not – if you feel it, it iswhat it is. What is ‘wrong’ (if I could just borrow the slightest connotationthis word brings) is if you react immediately to how you feel and lash out in away that people don’t deserve. So, take the time to acknowledge and embracewhat it is you’re feeling – ask yourself, what is the worst that could happenwhen you do that? That it will hurt? That you will feel angry? That you’ll havea good cry, a good talk, a good scream – which could potentially make you feelbetter? Once you’ve come to terms with that, then only can you figure out whatyour next course of action should be and how you should handle the people whoare involved in the situation.

You probably find it really easy to helppeople with their problems because you’re very rational and you want to help “solve”things, or at least suggest solutions. It’s easier when you’re the third partylooking in with clear eyes and a clear mind. But when it comes to you, you don’teven know where to begin – everything becomes so overwhelming, you just shutdown. I don’t think you need me to tell you that it can potentially be a hugeproblem – the fact that it’s at the back of your mind is already a tell-talesign.

I’ve been reading a lot of Cheryl Strayed’sDear Sugar advice column pieces lately (they are seriously so insightful,tender, and beautiful, I swear) – but something she said now comes to mind.Sometimes, we like to say that we can’t bear to go through things or bear tosurvive situations. It’s not that we can’t – we are fully equipped to do so –but rather, we don’t want to because it’s painful. We don’t say “I hope I won’thave to endure this”. What I want to tell you now is that you have it in you –the very fact that you know exactly what it is you are repressing shows thatyou have insight to yourself.

There’s nothing wrong with trying to finddifferent ways to relax and forms of escapism can work at times, but rememberthat in the long run, if nothing comes out in the clear – you’re just going tobottle everything up until one day you explode. Perhaps you could start withasking yourself why do you joke and change the subject when something bothersyou? Is it because you’re afraid that speaking out will cause offence? Will itdisplease the people around you? If the reasons are external, I’d like to tellyou that I’ve met a number of people who have no qualms about entering adebate/discussion that would challenge their own views (if indeed it is acertain viewpoint that bothers you). Especially if they are your friends, it’seven more important that you are able to talk with them about things that youare uncomfortable with.

If it’s internal in that you just don’twant to deal with it – ask yourself why? As you’ve mentioned that you’re arational person, why not ask yourself questions so that you can find the rootcause of the issue? If it’s hard for you to just talk it out internally, I’vefound writing to be terribly therapeutic – maybe you could try your hand atthat?

All I’m saying is that you have nothing tolose by confronting your own emotions within yourself. Confronting them doesn’tmean you have to resolve the issues right here, right now with theperson/people in question. It’s acknowledging that something is the matter anddoing so will give you peace of mind.

I’m sorry this turned out to be so long andif I was just rambling throughout it all – but I hope they’ve managed to helpin a way or that you’ve managed to find some measure of comfort in them. Justknow that it takes time and it’s going to be a long and hard journey, but I’mrooting for you and you know where to find me if you ever need an ear (or pairof eyes in this case). You can do this – I really do believe you can