#I'm sorry I've seen this more than a few times in reviews and general posts about the movie and it bothers me a lot

[textsfromthetva]

I don't think I've ever seen you post about any of the other projects Loki's been in. How do you feel about his movies? Which one(s) are your favorite?

First off, I'm sorry for letting this sit in my inbox collecting dust for three weeks, considering the fact that it's actually a great question and it caused me to really reflect on my thoughts about Loki in the MCU. Unfortunately, none of those thoughts got to a point where they were worthy of publication on the esteemed tumblr dot com, as I doubted they would pass the savage peer review of much more dedicated fans. They still won't.

Honestly, I'm scared, anon. People probably won't agree. But since you asked so nicely:

Thor - solid tragic backstory established with a certain flair. Loki is by far the most interesting thing about the whole movie. Not that I actually dislike it as a whole, I just don't think it's anything special in the context of the MCU. It's a fish out of water comedy interrupted regularly by a heartbreaking tale of loss of identity, self-hatred, and daddy issues. Which is a... choice? I guess? Kenneth Branagh's love of Shakespearean tragedy really shines through, is all I'm saying. Tom really established his brilliance right out of the gate, so that brings it to a solid 8/10 on my Loki-scale.

The Avengers - now... look. This movie has a lot of flaws. But I love it. I was in my mid-20s okay, I was exposed to it at a weird time in my life and I was obsessed. I watched it three times in cinemas, including once in New York City, while I was there on a study trip with uni. I probably watched it half a dozen times after that. And Loki was so much fun in this! Just the perfect villain for that movie. He was the Moment. I'm not even gonna get into the tragedy of the mind stone's influence fucking with him, Thor not realizing, lack of acknowledgement of the fact that he literally tried to commit suicide two movies ago, or the many implications of past torture by Thanos, I just like watching him be flamboyantly evil and smack people with his cane. The other stuff gives the story depth that I'm not actually sure it actually deserves. Still, 10/10

Thor: The Dark World - we can all agree that this movie is, uh, kinda meh. At least in my opinion. However, I think it's very important in terms of Loki's character development and the development of his relationship with Thor. For that reason alone, I admit to having watched it more than once. Also, he's such a little dramatic bitch in this, it's what we all deserve. 7/10.

Thor: Ragnarok - this is where some people will start throwing rocks at me. I really, really like this movie. I love Taika Waititi, I love his whimsical humour, I love how goddamn silly and lighthearted this thing is compared to The Dark World (and Avengers: Age of Ultron). Fuck grimdark angst, we have bright colours and fun. It just means the few emotional whammies hit all the harder too. I've heard people confidently call this movie a character assassination, in regards to Loki, and I really can't express in words how little I care. He is now Jeff Goldblum's trophy twink. No explanation needed. Let the guy be chaotic for once, he's earned it! 100/10.

Avengers: Infinity War - nope. Dont' wanna talk about it. -10000/10

Loki - well. I'll refer you to this edit of mine:

This show is a general mess on so many fronts, but I still feel such fondness for it. And judging from the number of viewers it got, the world will watch just about anything if it has Loki in it, which, you know, valid. And would I be running a whole damn blog about it if I actively disliked it? No, I would not. 9/10.

There we go. Based on my personal rating, Thor: Ragnarok wins. The trophy twink can't lose.

[astraeus-moon]

@melchinafan Sorry for the late ish response I feel kinda sick so it took me a while longer to organize my thoughts. Also here we fucking go apologies for no read more sins I am on mobile

And no I haven't seen those ign articles! More canon info to add to my hordes! And Jacob :( sad baby girl. I'll probably post those (The screenshots of the new info)  later for easy access for others

Your point on all 4 of heros being effected makes me wonder if Grave lock girls magic has sort of an area of effect or if the alpha vampires magic is a double edged sword in positively affecting the heros

And ooooo I didn't know there were other blood remnants that came in dif forms makes me wonder if they are somewhat similar to the alpha vamp remnants bc I think i remember it being mentioned somewhere the vial also had psychic residue?? Could not be I'm just losing it but eh. And the psychic residue perhaps being in the blood/body? And that's why it alters you?

And yeah I agree! I think that we don't carry them into the fight just to crack open the door and sort of wave a red flag at a bull sort of way

And then when the alpha vampire dies we get the remnant imbued with a bit of that vamps specific magic

And yeah perhaps using the skulls almost a psychic lockpick if those chosen had been imbued with some of the alphas powers (referring to the trickle down effect you noticed, Vampire mlm is a concept that will be lodged in my brain now)

The biggest one for Bellwether not giving a shit I believe was a piece of dialog that said like "once we get out of here do you think they'll drop a nuke on this place" which made me laugh bc I audibly went just like resident evil grqt2h3 which despite some of the negative reviews comparisons to other games the lack of resident evil with vampires is making me laugh (I mean it in a positive way I'm very attached to RE)

Plus I don't think a privately funded not so small military/mercanary group is gonna lose sleep over a "few" civilian casualties (especially not when you can write em off as vampire deaths when it comes down to it)

Yeah I agree! One of my main grievances was I wish that side quest/mini bosses got more diversity and watchers idk if those are miniboss types as I think they go down p easy (but like I said can't/haven't played the game so I could be wrong) they seem closer to the mutated cultists than "true" vampires

And totally get you on lore one of my other favorite games is destiny 2 and holy shit the amount of environmental storytelling/lore is so strong they have a fan run website to compile it all so I totally get you.

And ooo I'm always looking for new games to watch/obsess over so I'll have to check it out

And yeah unfortunately the people I watched wernt too into grave lock collecting and the only 100 locations video I've found doesn't play em in full

And yeah with Addison I won't spoil it but holy shit he was the worst one too me I wrote out/expanded on the house of Echos mission so I was rewatching and it ended up being 4k words but also it was woof. I almost wish they swapped the order of the map start out in the second way with the other 2 then work into the 1st area for the hollow man

Yeah my sort of interpretation (both in how I'm writing and general fun) is that his Ravens outlines + his guns lock on are from that eye but a fun thing I had was giving them all like the way things are highlighted blue for you to grab some of the psychic residue as most of the psychic energy we see (barring layla) tend to be a pale blue - teal(?) Ish color and it was just funny to me that the highlights for important objects were similar

I agree with vampires probably having night vision as they are supposed to be a sort of apex predator so night vision fits with the whole can't go in the sun.  It does make me wonder if Jacob would run into issues in direct sunlight with that eye time to invest in sunglasses my guy

And yeah I hadn't considered the psychic spaces as like stronger spaces where the trance is louder, bc in my thoughts I think the trance is a seperate but adjacent magic thing to what turned them into vampires

It definitely seems like the magic sort of got them all or bolstered abilities in some way and come on we both know that devs def smart enough to crack teleportation lmaooo necessity is the mother of invention and all that. But I do think that magic and science go hand in hand (destiny 2 is so great for that reason aswell because so much of what looks like magic can be kinda turned into science)

I think Remis ult is pure video game but healing it would make sense if it gave out a sort of opposite end of the spectrum vampire healing and helped you regenerate by like tapping into that magic that's settled in you or the vials/remnants

yeah we don't know how the healing actually works as you don't regen health unless you find medpacks which leads me to believe you do have to needle and thread it up instead of magic video game heal as explained in dishonored or prey

And yeah I'm assuming vamp regen at best at worst, you should uhhhh probably got get that looked at bud and yeah blood as fuel is a good idea even if it was connected or disconnected

And yeah the tissues, I'd imagine a wash cloth would be slightly more useful than tissues but eh and yeah sort of a gunk goop dripping thing (ie Eris Morn from destiny with her hive eyes)

And yeah! I think to be a bloodbag/sin eater it also I think is slightly voluntary(?) As the sin eaters are like that. And the blood bags seem pretty eager so maybe the most devoted cultists get turned into em

And yeah I'm uncertain bc I remember for one of the missions Jacob has a line like "but slitting the throat of your neighbor to get in." Or smth like that it's been awhile

And yeah vampire mlm, and yeah definitely maybe the more sacrifices brought in = higher chance of getting turned

I think it's a bit of both as we see with the alphas they were all real shitty people beforehand and yknow being willing to kill others to further your own gain definitely fits under "bloodsucker" (derogatory) in my mind lmao

And I think that's why Jason got away was bc hes not a bad person and was rather selfless hence but still also perhaps shaped by the intent of the person giving you magic (jacobs raven, laylas telekinesis which is something other higher up vampires can do as weve seen with the sea) But also made to shape you're own natural abilities remis healing, devs gadgets :) especially in those latter two cases where they wernt forced really to have the powers

The slow boil is soooo intresting to me bc like where were they? Like in the nests psychic spaces and just coming out to feed plus with the size of the alphas I think that'd kick up a fuss

I think probably a but of both, as drug trials/medical research like aevum was doing was bound to test on mice at least and upon observing the effects may have worked there way up to humans but huge fucking claw marks are probably vampires especially from what we've seen they are extraordinarily wasteful with animals perhaps both as food and ensuring surviving humans can't get it

And birds + animals disappearing evokes a similar feeling of when animals tend to dip before natural disasters because there senses and instincts are so much stronger than ours but also vampires killing them because they couldn't go after people yet

also lmao yeah like idk where tf they were going with that like was the plan to eventually move out of redfall or use it like a home base or smth bc you kill the animals and the people you're gonna have to start eating each other

And yeah I have to imagine at least one cultist was wincing and didn't voice it but was very much like aw come on guys

And yeah! Idk if it's ever explained if vampires exclusively have to eat blood/meat or can eat other things aswell

And oh my God don't get me started on the impacts of introducing a fuck ton of apex predators into your ecosystem and food chain not to mention if other animals mutated and are breeding. Like just removing Wolves from Yellowstone was enough to fuck over the ecosystem I can imagine something on this scale plus the probably intense growth from the decomp rates of bodies.. anyone in an environmental science field would be tearing their hair out (specifically my own redfall oc whose a park ranger is not having a great time with that)

You would have to build ground up essentially as trying a top down approach would fuck up the few remaining secondary and primary consumers (obligatory environmental science rant over)

They all def do the trance def is giving hive mind vibes aswell as a removal of emotional/rational thinking makes me wonder if the blood trance heightens base instincts/hunting drive or aggression like with animals being aggressive and shit being fucked

And oh def, bc each of the bosses has there own space but the nests aswell which makes me wonder if vampires have their own allegiances or a nest is like a pack

And yeah hindsights 20/20 and yeah fears a hell of a motivator and cults pray on scared lonely people with no other options and yeah in too deep

I haven't! Unfortunately I haven't watched a dev playthrough and there's not too many multiplaythroughs on YouTube but I'll inform you if I come across any! And as for rough speculation on mothman physique(?) I think leathery makes sense from someone as logical as dev since it glides so it being similar to a bat or moth it almost makes me think of point pleasants.. intresting... statue of the mothman to say the least...

And yeah woof the scientists sure as hell are doing some malpractice although I'd admire arkanes commitment to fuck the rich with them being consistent enemies.  And yeah sorry this got Hella long

[babycharmander]

okay I’m gonna rant for a minute about something that keeps coming up in Coco reviews (and general ranting about the movie) because this is bugging me a lot:

The movie Coco does not promote tolerance toward abuse, nor does it condone abusive behavior.

Yes, the main moral of the movie is that “family comes first.” But for some reason, I keep seeing reviewers expand that to mean, “Miguel should have agreed with his family from the beginning, even when they were destroying his most beloved possession right in front of him.”

That is not the case.

To start with, if you pay attention to the scene, the rest of the Rivera family is not necessarily in favor of what Abuelita is doing. I can’t get screenshots at the moment to show their expressions, but Miguel’s dad calls out to Abuelita to stop right before she smashes the guitar. Even with the family’s ban on music, at least some of them realized Abuelita was going too far--her behavior is clearly not shown to be in the right, even though she clearly believes she’s doing it for the good of her family. Which brings me to my next point...

Imelda started the ban on music as a means of protecting her family, hoping that it would keep them from being split apart, like how Hector had seemingly left her for music before. But the ban became so deeply ingrained that no-one in the family (openly) questioned it--they merely rolled with it. (Aside from maybe Coco, given how she hid the letters Hector sent her. I believe the novel goes into this more, but it’ll still be a few days before I get to read that.)

By the time we get to Miguel’s generation, the ban is so deeply set within the family that none of them will listen to any explanation Miguel has for his love of music, or how much it means to him. He is frequently shushed and pulled away from sources of music--never given the chance to defend himself...

...until this scene with Imelda:

(screenshots taken from the movie’s screenplay)

“That’s what family’s supposed to do--support you. But you never will.” Miguel says this as he wipes a tear from his eye, and Imelda is shocked at his reaction.

This is important, because this is the movie’s theme at work--”family comes first” is a lesson Miguel has to learn... as does the rest of his family.

The Rivera family reached a point where their ban on music was becoming more important than the family it was made to protect. Imelda and Abuelita both eventually realize this, which is why the ban is finally lifted by the end of the film.

While the lesson on the surface may appear to just be to not put selfish ambitions before family, it goes deeper than that. The lesson is to realize how your actions will affect your family, whether those actions were made in selfishness (abandoning family for music) or protection (banning family from music).

Coco does not condone abusive behavior. It promotes analyzing your behavior to see how it can become harmful.

[thebibliosphere]

So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After. 

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting. 

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom. 

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man. 

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms... 

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful. 

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual. 

[yourfinalbow]

hi lol this is totally random but based on a harry potter post you just reblogged and you can completely ignore me if you want, but do you think snape deserved better, or are you a quote unquote "snape apologist"? I'm genuinely curious cuz I've come across a lot of different opinions on severus. Again, feel free to ignore :)

This ended up way longer than it needed to be, and I apologize for that lmao.

Hi! Hmmm I have many mixed opinions on this. First we have to talk about which Snape. Book!Snape is actually kind of an asshole, and not in the fun way. (Way more than I remembered.) But but but Alan Rickman!Snape I like a lot.

And no I'm not mentioning Snape from TCC. That was not Snape and that world was not Harry Potter.

Snape is an interesting character because of how flawed and layered he is.

(Putting a cut because it's so long, and tw for non-detailed mentions/reference to abuse, as well as both trauma and death.)

He wasn't born in a very good household, which I can definitely see as being a reason for why he is who he is. (A reason, not an excuse. Those are two extremely different things.) You look at Sirius, who also came from a horrible household, yet he managed to dig himself out of the mud and make his own path for himself. (Though I have many angsty headcanons for the thoughts he has and being afraid of what he will do and in turn his own mind. WolfStar solidarity. Neither one of them know what they are truly capable of, and both are completely afraid to find out.

Ahem sorry I got a little distracted there.

During the Marauder's era, Snape wasn't a good person in general, but he tried to be nice to Lily. (One of the only exceptions he made.) That being said, (sorry, going on a tangent again), it does not excuse what the Marauders did. As much as they are, in my humble opinion, JK's greatest creation, they should be held accountable for both the prank, and dangling Snape upside down. (Though Remus does make a few good points in their defense later, it's still not an excuse.) Two wrongs never make a right.

Snape doesn't deny Lily's claims at him wanting to join a supremacy group, nor does he say he isn't friends with Death Eaters.

It's clear through the flashbacks we're given that Snape is apathetic in the face of innocent people dying, but once again Lily is the exception.

Dumbledore defends Snape by saying it wasn't his fault that Harry's parents are dead. I actually semi-agree with this. On one hand, he was directly at fault, but on the other hand he had no way of knowing. As a severe Loki apologist, I do not blame Loki for Frigga's death. He may have led the dark elves to her, but he didn't know it was her she was sending them to. That's the comparison I make in my mind, and so I don't completely blame him like other people do. (One could also make the argument that Sirius is to blame. Sirius, who is 100% my favorite character in the entire franchise, gave the secret keeper job to Peter, thinking it would be safer with him. However, he had no ill will or malicious intentions towards Lily, James, and Harry, so I don't blame him.)

All that being said, Snape not only would have been fine with random people dying, he also didn't care whether or not James and Harry lived.

For context:

(Dumbledore is speaking, right after Snape comes to him for help.)

"You do not care, then, about the deaths of her husband and child?" They can die, as long as you have what you want?"

Snape said nothing, but merely looked up at Dumbledore.

He has a strange relationship with Lily. He obviously loves her, but not enough to want to stop Voldemort from killing the two things that bring her the most amount of happiness. It's clear he doesn't care about anyone except for Lily. Which on some level, I can understand why. When people have traumatic childhoods, they tend to hold on to a person that was there for them. Sometimes it can be the hands of the person who caused them pain in the first place, but other times it is another person who was there for him. He holds Lily's opinions of himself higher than anybody else, and he holds Lily above anybody else, and I think this can be attributed to some sort of trauma response, which is why his love for her is so unusual. That doesn't mean I think he should be fine with killing innocent people.

On the topic of trauma, I think joining the Death Eaters was another response to this, as well as a result of what kind of family he had.

Similar to both Harry and Voldemort, Snape much preferred Hogwarts to where he lived, and such the castle became his home more than his house ever was.

The Death Eaters could offer him something he had never been offered before. He belonged to something. In his own, twisted, traumatic mindset, he might have even almost seen the Death Eaters as a family. Not consciously of course, but there was definitely a feeling of belonging they gave him.

And there's something to be said about the fact that many serial killers in real life come from an abusive family. I don't pretend to understand the minds of someone who can do something so vile, but I have watched enough Criminal Minds episodes to know what they long for is control.

So being apart of this supremacy group, even though he was a half-blood himself and undoubtedly didn't entirely share Voldermort's racist beliefs, gave him both control and something he belonged to.

It's not an excuse, but it's a reason.

Alternatively, you can look at it through a quote from the most recent episode of Loki.

"It's part of the illusion. It's a cruel, elaborate trick conjured by the weak to inspire fear."

So it's also possible that when he was a kid, he thought being a villain was the only way to prevent others from being one to him.

Ok sorry, back on the chronological track.

So he agrees to change sides and work with Dumbledore. (Who must see just how distraught Snape was over Lily's death, to trust him immediately.)

Snape spends most of Harry's time at Hogwarts humiliating his own students. He particularly calls out Harry and his friends a lot, but I can definitely see this being a defence mechanism. He assumes Harry is James and reverts back to what we talked about earlier. (Becoming the villain so nobody else has a chance.)

But but but, he does a lot of good throughout the books. Snape mutters the countercurse, saving Harry from Quirrell during the Quidditch match. He then actually referees at the next match, preventing anything from happening altogether.

In retrospective, we see that he spends most of the first book helping Dumbledore by protecting the stone, and helping Lily by protecting Harry.

Now I could go through and list the goods and the bads of Snape throughout the entire series, but I have neither the time nor the patience, and I think you get the point.

(Except I would like the mention that Snape becomes a double agent for Dumbledore in book four, and risks his life every single day by constantly betraying Voldermort, and never once does he use this as a way to double cross Dumbledore. This was actually probably really hard on him. You can assume that having to pretend to be a Death Eater means he had to do some despicable things just so he didn't blow his cover. If he really has changed by this time, which I would like to think he has, is a lot of added guilt to live with.)

(I would also mention that he tried to save Sirius in book five, but... *falls on floor dramatically* I don't want to think about it.)

Severus Snape's time comes to the end in book seven. At the hands of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, his death is a valiant act of sacrifice. Protecting the living and defending the honour of the fallen.

So, he has done a lot of bad in his lifetime, but by the time we as readers get to know him, his fundamental set of beliefs have begun to change. Through the eyes of what started as an eleven year old boy, you can definitely see that even after this he wasn't necessarily a good person.

And that's because his good is behind the scenes. He's good on a larger scale. He's chosen the light over darkness, but in his everyday life he's still the scared, traumatized little kid he's always been.

And him being this way has reasons, but these reasons are not excuses.

Sorry anon, this kind of turned into a long winded review of the entire character. I know that's not really what you asked, so I'll sum it up in a final few sentences sentence.

Yes. I wish Snape had gotten to live. Not because I'm necessarily a "Snape apologist", but because I find his character interesting, and seeing his reaction to his sacrifice could have been a really good read. Also Harry coming up and thanking him would have been really touching, and as a cherry on top maybe we could have gotten to read Harry apologizing for his father. Maybe even Snape sharing memories of Lily?! (Sorry that might have gotten a little to fanfic-y.)

That being said, his death being a final sacrifice towards the good of everyone, and a final testimony to his change of heart, was -- and I'll give JK credit just this once -- good storytelling, and a good way to end it.

Also I like movie!Snape because fuck yeah he's just so awesome.

If anyone has anything to add/take away, or they just want to discuss the wonder that was Alan Rickman, let me know! (Ask/Comment/Reblog/Etc.)

[bbq-hawks-wings]

hey! I've seen a bunch of posts on how HPSC is slightly corrupted and all, could you explain if you understand this? They're (die hard villain fans) usually using this as a justification to slam the heroes for raiding the army. I'm quite confused sorry

I’d be more than happy to, friend! I have a strong feeling it’s going to be a key detail in the story moving forward so it’s good to go back in reviewing everything we know now; plus, it gives me the perfect chance to offer up my theory that ropes in Aizawa, Midnight, and Present Mic. Buckle up, though, because this gets a little long.

The HPSC tells heroes what to do.

The Hero Public Safety Commission is a pocket of the Japanese national government in this universe, sort of like how the FDA is in America.

It’s important to note that HPSC is a separate entity from the heroes. They’re the ones giving out licenses, disciplining rouge heroes, overseeing hero training, acting as liaison between heroes and law enforcement, organizing cooperative efforts with multiple heroes across different regions, and managing the general image of heroes with events like the Hero Rankings Billboard.

Heroes have to obey directives given by the HPSC and hero schools have to align with guidelines set by the HPSC, but heroes don’t usually get a say in these decisions and often only get to complain about how things are done and are stuck doing it anyway. If someone is caught heroing without a license or not in hero uniform, you can be fined and/or jailed. If a hero doesn’t keep up with paperwork or runs off and does their own thing they can also be fined and have their license suspended. If a hero goes AWOL or completely flips out they can have their license permanently taken away and be jailed.

It’s actually even more important to note that way heroes are allowed to operate and answer to the government is actually closer in line to a militia than a police force. In fact, while heroes are allowed to make arrests and use their quirks, they are more restricted in what they can and can’t do on their own than the police. If a hero wants to work with other heroes on an investigation, they have to use the private network (administrated by the HPSC) or communicate in person. In the case with the Shie Hassaikai or looking for Kurogiri and the LoV where police cooperation was necessary to carry out the investigation and bring in the gang right away there was no choice but to be transparent with the HPSC.

However, the HPSC doesn’t have to be transparent with the heroes.

They require heroes to give up all their information to keep working as heroes, but they don’t have any accountability for themselves and have notably dodged scrutiny up to this point with public backlash almost always falling on the heroes who have little to no say in how they run things.

Starting back at the beginning of the series with the USJ incident, it understandably garnered massive media attention - it should have. Dozens of unknown, random two-bit villains poured into the most secure, prestigious hero school in all of Japan undetected and resulted in the serious injury of two teachers and could have included the students as well if All Might had not been there to fight and subdue the inhuman monster - the Nomu - who had up to that point had never been seen before.

It’s not unreasonable that UA initially got the blowback from this as it could have been chalked up to complacency causing a lapse in security that the HPSC absolutely wouldn’t have been accountable for. It’s treated like a one-off event and despite investigations going nowhere on it, it’s ultimately downplayed and checked out in the background while continuing with the Sports Festival in high spirits. However, things get worse.

After passing their semester exams the Hero Course first-years head off to do practical training in the mountains with a hero team named the Wild Wild Pussycats. Remember, because this is a hero training initiative between a school and a hero team, the HPSC is likely involved at least on some administrative level in regards to granting permission and securing the patch of mountainside to use even if this detail is not acknowledged in the series. Despite efforts to only include the staff, teachers, and heroes involved word somehow still gets out - resulting in more student, hero, and teacher injuries, and most importantly the kidnapping of one of the students.

This can no longer be swept under the rug. A lot happens in the secret hideout raid revealing lots of stuff with the plot, including All-for-One’s direct involvement, but it doesn’t add anything more to our notes besides the fact UA is once again blamed and heroes are thrown under the bus instead of the organization overseeing them.

Fast forward to the Provisional License Arc. This is the first time we see the HPSC acting explicitly. It’s noted that they passed significantly more students this year than previously. Yokumiru Mera, the tired proctor, is overworked. The HPSC has a reason to urgently pump more students into the “working force” now than it had before, though at the moment it’s written off as a result of All Might’s retirement.

During the Shie Hassaikai arc the only suspect detail we get is the fact that the raid on compound is inexplicably compromised, and somehow the yakuza knew the heroes and police were coming. We’ll come back to this and to the leaks in UA again later.

Skipping the remedial courses and school festival arc, we get to the Pro Hero Arc. Big lights, pomp and circumstance, and a massive powerful Nomu attack that nearly kills the freshly crowned #1 Hero. From this point forward, what we get of the HSPC is mainly through Hawks and his experience with him. After the fight, we get a flashback of the President of the HSPC herself telling him to ignore civilian casualties in his mission to infiltrate the LoV, that he has to do it solo, and that he can’t tell anyone. Briefly in the next chapter he says that despite his objections he can’t actually tell them no.

Hold up!

Did a government agency just tell a hero to secretly get in with the villains no matter what, and when he objects and asks whether he’s just supposed to ignore collateral damage in the process is told, “You can and you will”?! (That’s a verbatim quote from chapter 192.) I thought this agency was supposed to hep people and keep them safe!

We get smatterings of interactions between Hawks and the HPSC, and though we don’t get anything from there side we’re getting that every questionable or deplorable thing Hawks does or needs to get on the LoV’s good side is acknowledged and endorsed by the HPSC. “I’m in contact with the shady guy who loosed that monster in the middle of the city with no warning. He wants me to kill the other top hero who just recovered and to join the definitely-dangerous doomsday cult, and maybe THEN he’ll let me in on what’s going on.” Ok, sure. Nothing morally questionable about any of that...

Jump to chapter 267. Up to this point, this note about Hawks’ past has been hinted at, but is here finally confirmed with a chilling detail. Kids who enter hero work may get special coaching by their families when they’re young, but the threshold for entering formal government-regulated training isn’t until 14/15 years of age in the last few years of their education. Chapter 267 shows a little Keigo Takami no older than about 8, at best, being told by the HPSC that he doesn’t get to call himself by his own name anymore. From now on, he’s going to be a hero, and only a hero, and it’s going to long and hard. Back in 192, two mysterious figures promise the same boy, shown at the same age, that his family will be taken care of.

Whatever circumstances led Keigo’s family to end up in the situation they did, they accepted an offer from a government agency, the HPSC specifically - you can see their headquarters in the flashback - to take away their very young son, take away his identity (and implicitly his family), and groom him to be government tool for the rest of his life - a commitment he had no true say in and that he could not understand at the time.

And it gets worse.

Endeavor works with the HPSC regularly as all heroes have to, but his relationship with them and what they’ll let him get away with gets put into greater question the longer we look at it. He turned to eugenics to create a hero he couldn’t be and surpass All Might for the sole purpose of satisfying his own ego. He bought a girl from her family and forced her to have his kids, then subjected those kids to cruel training - passing over each one until he got to one he felt he could work with -, beat his wife as well, and some kind of action he was involved in lead to the death of his oldest son. While the domestic abuse could be hidden, the death of his child cannot. What’s more, shortly after (very shortly if timelines add up), his youngest son received a permanent burn scar on the heat-resistant side of his face and his wife was locked away in a mental institution for a decade.

And the HPSC never bats an eye. They could take away his license. They could call the police. They could have exposed him to the public or at least ordered an investigation. But they didn’t. On some level they knew, and they did nothing.

But it might be even worse.

I skipped over this detail chronologically, but it’s the linchpin for just how corrupt the HPSC might be if all this lines up. Looking at the Endeavor Agency Arc, we get a seemingly random confrontation with a guy called Starservant (chapter 243) who prattles off a prophecy about the Dark Lord returning and his Dark Stars conspiring against humanity which will bring the world to ruin. He calls out Endeavor specifically as the shining light that beckons the darkness, but this sounds an awful lot like the deranged wailing of some crazy old man, right?

Let’s jump over an entire series now to the spin-off serial Vigilantes. This series takes place in the same universe at an earlier point in the timeline of the main story - and take an extra little note that there’s an underlying subplot about unusual drugs meant to enhance quirks (that often result in mutating the user) and that someone may be using them to clandestinely run experiments on humans from the shadows. 

In chapter 59 we get flashbacked to Eraserhead, Midnight, and Present Mic’s childhood experiences at UA, and we’re also introduced to Oboro Shirakumo - their fellow classmate and dear friend. We get a few chapters establishing their relationships and their goals and dream for the future until chapter 63 where things make a drastic turn in tone. On what should be a routine hero training exercise as third-year seniors a giant, monstrous villain shows up and attacks while the UA kids are escorting a class of preschoolers around town.

In the scuffle, though Aizawa is able to single-handedly come out victorious, in the fight and debris Shirakumo is struck in the head by falling concrete as he tries to lead the children to safety and dies on the scene. Go back to main series, chapter 254-255, the villain Kurogiri is detained but the police are having no luck questioning him. They get a sliver of a lead and call in Present Mic and Eraserhead to interrogate him, and it’s confirmed that Kurogiri was a human experiment of Doctor Ujiko - the mad scientist bio-engineer responsible for the Nomu and outspokenly faithful servant of All-for-One - created from the corpse of their dearly departed Oboro.

Here’s the kicker, though, in Japan they don’t often bury their dead. Funerals next to never include an open casket - the loved one is cremated first, their ashes placed on an funeral shrine with their picture, and the loved ones mourn there. That means Ujiko needed to get to the body before it was cremated - which requires some fast work; but that’s not even the worst of it. Jumping one last time to chapter 270, Ujiko recognizes Mic as a friend of Shirakumo and boldly admits the entire time he was after Aizawa for his quirk.

That attack more than 10 years ago was premeditated. This goes back a long ways. How did he find this information - about their quirks and their movements and where to find them? How did Ujiko get the body out of the morgue without anyone catching him? Could it be the same way his fellow servants of All-for-One were able to get into the USJ? And the Training Camp? And the Yakuza raid? All-for-One has a lot of connections for his faithful servants to move about freely in this world of heroes despite every effort being take to stop them. 

Somehow, these shining lights can never seem to outrun the dark no matter how hard they try, as if there’s a conspiracy against them. But a conspiracy of that level would have to come all the way from the top! If you wanted to get poetic about it, you could even say the stars themselves are conspiring against us. But that old man was crazy, right? If he wasn’t crazy - if he was right at all - then no matter what way you slice it:

This is bad.

[stephantom]

hey! Me and my 2 friends are working our way through Rawhide (and rating each ep on an Its Them Boys scale [meaning rowdy & favor, but also other good banter w the gang] lol) and we're in season 2. I think I've read in the tags of some of your posts mentions that things change after season 4? I don't think we'll watch season 7 or 8 because we're only in it for the good times, but I'm curious about 4, 5, and 6... what do you think of them?

Hi! I’m glad you’re enjoying the show! It’s surprisingly fun sometimes, right? And yeah, I’ve complained about a lot of it here, but I might be more sensitive to things like characters not being as nice or close as I imagine them to be than other viewers might be, hard to say. It’s been a while now since I was watching it, and I ended up sort of skimming, choosing episodes based on summaries or old reviews on an old rawhide fan forum. I think some other folks here have maybe seen more, or might have opinions on this? @chevvyyates @clinteastwood-blog@anintelligentoctopus @tommyoliverr @uhrich @mcicioni-blog uhh anyone else from the fandom the past few years, please feel free to chime in.

At the very least, there are some great scenes still in seasons 4, 5, 6, and 7. Some moving, some silly. And some later episodes I think are petty solid. (The opening of season 4 is probably one of my favorites, I think—although it’s a sad one, on the whole.) I think there’s a list of Least Favorite Episodes from me and a few people somewhere which could help you avoid the worst stuff. But I recall some of them being in season 2 even, so. The whole thing is really a mixed bag.

There are some tonal changes that might feel weird if you just jump from an early season ep to a later season ep, and the show really doesn’t do well with continuity, but might not feel so strange if you just watch your way through. Some things are fun in a different way, but not necessarily worse. Favor’s mannerisms and voice really change, but later seasons Favor is kind of fun in his own way, you know?

Season 8 is VERY different and a lot of people refuse to watch it because Mr. Favor is gone (and Mushy, and Joe, and Pete, and Jesus, etc). I enjoyed the new characters though (especially Jed and Simon) and liked seeing trail boss Dowdy. Plus my friend Mirna’s written some great fic set during/post season 8, so that was a really nice supplement that totally made it worth it for me.

Sorry this probably isn’t very helpful! I think my answer is basically: as long as you’re interested, keep watching, just brace yourself for some bad episodes, out of character moments/plots, tonal shifts, and general unevenness.

[wellknownwolf]

I want to move into a new phase in my relationship with fandom, as I mature with new experiences. I'm not sure what exactly that looks like though. What is your take on the parasocial affection inherent in an RPF like Rhett & Link? Or even the deep attachments that can form with fictional characters? Or a desire to emulate fantasy worlds? I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable with all this, it's just that it's been a long time coming, and once I got started I couldn't stop. - Natasha (5)

First, let me post the full question, since it came in 5 parts:

Hey, it's me again. Your 'mystery inquirer', as you so adorably dubbed me. You're right, I had forgotten I'd sent in that ask. Just now, I couldn't help but think about a scene from Life After, as I am wont to on a frightfully regular basis, which is what got me back here. When you said you pondered over my seemingly simple, banal question for a good while, and wrote out a beautifully thoughtful answer like you always do, it made me happy.

Your narrative voice is similar to my own, and it made my chest ache in a certain way to have gotten such a response to what felt like a random shout out into the abyss (though it obviously wasn't, I sent it directly to you, I guess it's more what it felt like taking a chance on a conversation with a random stranger online). And now I'm cringing a bit at how melodramatic all sounds. But I'm committing to it, anyway. That's the beauty of anon, eh?

Wolfie (is it presumptuous to call you that? Please do forgive me the liberty I'm taking), I must admit. I'm quite envious of this community you have with @missingparentheses, @lunar-winterlude, and other wonderful people. Since childhood, I've been head over heels in love with fandom. Not a specific fandom, I've been a traveller through dozens, but fandom in general. I've read probably thousands of fanfics, spent countless hours daydreaming about beloved characters and their stories.

To the point where, in my most recent and worst depressive episode, it may have been for the worse, if I'm honest. Escapism and yearning to the point of impairment, engendering a sense of constant bereavement. But it's taught me so much about life and its wonders, I can't write it off as just some damaging habit. It's such an integral part of who I am, a deeply curious soul (shout out to my Enneagram Type 5-ers out there!). But I don't anyone to share it with, and it can get quite lonely.

I want to move into a new phase in my relationship with fandom, as I mature with new experiences. I'm not sure what exactly that looks like though. What is your take on the parasocial affection inherent in an RPF like Rhett & Link? Or even the deep attachments that can form with fictional characters? Or a desire to emulate fantasy worlds? I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable with all this, it's just that it's been a long time coming, and once I got started I couldn't stop. - Natasha

.....................................................................

Thank you for giving me so much to respond to, Natasha.  Thank you for continuing to reach out.   I accidentally wrote something like a paper in response to your thoughtful question.  I even conducted a little research and cited a source.  ENGLISH TEACHER, ACTIVATE!

Also, for what it’s worth, I feel at times that I communicate exclusively through shouts into the abyss, so it’s a language with which I am at home.  In fact, it is this very technique, this experiment with intense vulnerability at the hands of a virtual stranger, that earned me one of my absolutely most-treasured friends: @missingparentheses.  I have poured out a great deal of my own melodrama to her, and she has received it and reciprocated it in a way that, three years later, continues to teach me how to be a better friend.  In short, I’m a firm believer in diving straight in when it comes to new friends.  Cringe not; I’m on board.

So let’s dive.

R&L is really only the second “fandom” with which I’ve been involved.  Third, if we count my preteen obsession with ‘N Sync (and considering how much wall space I dedicated to their posters and self-printed photos, we probably should).  My point is, while I don’t have much experience with the community facet of fandom, I do relate to your feeling of near-obsession.  Or clear obsession.  

I know the feeling of escapism you’re describing, and I know the yearning and melancholy that can come on our worst days, where we feel like “real life” will never measure up to the color and brilliance of the worlds we spend so much time considering. These worlds, these characters and their relationships, their challenges, victories, and defeats all seem so purposeful: they’re the plot points we use to craft the stories in our heads (regardless of whether we’re writers at all).  It can be much harder to view ourselves as protagonists worth analyzing, viewing and reviewing through new lenses, perhaps because we’re warned against navel-gazing, perhaps because our self-perception just won’t allow for it.  Maybe a little of both.

But yes!  It teaches us!  We DO learn about life, other people, love, risk, all kinds of things through what we consume in these fandoms, so I would never classify it as a “bad” thing.  We hone our imaginations and learn to pay attention to our own emotions as we recognize feelings from our favorite shows, games, books, and characters arising in ourselves.  

I used to be a little afraid of the fact that I was always telling myself stories, internally imagining myself as someone else, a player in the worlds I often loved more than my own.  I suspected that someday, somehow, I would be caught playing pretend all the time in my own little ways.  I was a bright and ambitious young woman, so why would I give so much of my mental energy to such frivolous pursuits?

In my first semester of graduate school, though, I learned from a Lit. Theory professor who intimidated the hell out of me that we all do this.  We’re all telling ourselves stories all the time, some of which are true and close to objective reality, some of which are more subjective to whatever fantastical (or fandom) material we last consumed.  I’ve whispered my own dialogue in the shower, but so have you whispered yours in your head (if not also out loud in your shower!).  And through this act, however it is performed, I have made those worlds part of my own.  So have you.  In this way, they are real, and I no longer feel fearful of being “found out.”  

When we have those moments of doubt, though, when we wonder whether we’re going too far, it probably stems, at least partially, from the “us v. them” divide between fandom and mainstream society.  We love our little worlds, but we also feel that twinge of anxiety that we might be bordering on obsession, that our guilty pleasure might be discovered and we will be socially punished for it, namely, as Joli Jensen writes in “Fandom as Pathology: The Consequences of Characterization,” because “the fan is characterized as (at least potentially) an obsessed loner, suffering from a disease of isolation, or a frenzied crowd member, suffering from a disease of contagion. In either case, the fan is seen as being irrational, out of control, and prey to a number of external forces” (13). According the consistent covert (and overt, at times) messages of the mainstream, “[f]andom is conceived of as a chronic attempt to compensate for a perceived personal lack of autonomy, absence of community, incomplete identity, lack of power and lack of recognition” (Jensen 17).  Yikes.  That doesn’t feel good to admit about ourselves, does it?  

Luckily, it’s bullshit.

Treating “fans” as others (outsiders, people who can’t form relationships or find fulfillment in the “real world”) “risks denigrating them in ways that are insulting and absurd” (Jensen 25).  Those who take this stance, who see fans as victims of hysteria or desperate loners, do so in order to “develop and defend a self-serving moral landscape.  That terrain cultivates in us a dishonorable moral stance of superiority, because it makes other into examples of extrinsic forces, while implying that we [members solely of the mainstream] somehow remain pure, autonomous, ad unafflicted” (Jensen 25).  In short, that us/them thinking just makes people feel better about themselves by pointing out an easily-identifiable “other.”

 I have also grappled with the concept of parasocial affection, particularly with R&L.  I was well into writing my first Rhink fic when the thought crossed my mind, “Oh my god, what if I actually met these people someday?  How would I look them in the eye?  I’d feel like a crazy person (again)!”  From the safety of the Midwest, I laughed off the thought.  And then a year or so later, they were announcing their first tour. And I was still writing, here and there, still deep in my affection for them, sometimes wrestling with the thought that I’ve devoted so much energy to people who would never know I exist.  

It doesn’t matter that the attachment was in the most obvious, tangible ways only one-sided.  As an adult who is ever-learning how to navigate the worlds of her own creation and the ones over which she has far less control, I view my intense attachment to characters both real and fictional with deep fondness.   And while I may not receive affection or attention directly from the sources (R&L, fictional characters, sports teams, who/whatever we build fandoms around), I am still earning some very real rewards for my involvement: Because of them, I found my way to a participatory culture in which I was supported and encouraged to express my creativity.  This gave me the push and interest that I needed to hone skills that have not only made me a better writer, but also a better teacher and mentor.  With fandom comes the ability to immediately strike up a conversation over shared interests. With fandom comes a sense of belonging in what we have proven is an awfully divisive world.  

Right now, I’m consuming far less fandom-related material than I did a few years ago.  I don’t really watch GMM anymore and I’m on a break from Ear Biscuits (though I still love it), Gotham ended over a year ago and I’m not in the habit of reading fics right now, and I can’t yet play the remade Final Fantasy 7, so that’s out for me, too (though I know I will fall deep into that well once the game is in my hot little hands).  This all happened by itself.  I never consciously moved away from these sources; I just floated on to other interests and other levels of interest, knowing that if and when I wanted to dig back in, I could always come back.  

I used to feel quite sad at the thought of someday “moving on” from these intense interests.  I couldn’t fathom somehow falling out of love with those bands, actors, or video games.  But for me, the transition into wherever I am now has not been painful in the least.  I’m glad I knew the intensity that I did, and I’m happy with the distance I have now. And there’s a good chance I’ll be fanatic about something else someday.  I’m looking forward to it!

 Here are some responses that I couldn’t organically fit into my essay:

Yes, you can call me Wolfie if you’d like.  That name started with @missingparentheses (her second appearance in this answer!), and quickly became a reminder to not take myself too seriously.  

Second, I don’t think I know any other Type 5s!  I’m a type 8. 

Also, here’s my MLA formatted citation for the Jensen source:

Jensen, Joli. “Fandom as Pathology: The Consequences of Characterization.”   The Adoring Audience: Fan Culture and Popular Media, Routledge, 1992, pp. 9-29.

[bananannabeth]

Hi ashlee! Sorry to bother you but I've seen you and a couple people blogging about my immortal and I was hoping you could explain what's going on? From what I understand we just found out who the author is? But I'm not familiar with the actual story of my immortal. At least I don't remember ever coming across it. Thanks in advance!

It’s this 44 chapters long Harry Potter fanfic that was written back in 2006-2007 by ‘Tara Gilesbie’, published on fanfiction.net, and it’s so atrocious it’s great. The main character is a vampire goth (or ‘goffik’) called Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way but sometimes her name is spelled Enoby, the spelling overall is terrible, the plot is nonsensical and weirdly sexual, the characters and world are completely bastardised and on top of that the author sprinkles notes about her preferences and life story throughout the actual chapters and in the author’s notes. It’s so ridiculous, you truly have to read at least the first chapter to get an idea of how weird it is. There’s references to Hot Topic, to self-harm, to characters constantly hooking up, Hogwarts is divided into Goths and Preps, Harry and Draco are exes and everyone’s names are constantly being misspelled… It’s truly a wild read. Buzzfeed did a pretty god job picking out some of the best bits for its ten year anniversary, if you can’t sit through the whole thing you definitely have to read this.

It so completely disregarded Harry Potter canon and was so hated at the time that it got thousands of negative reviews, which made it infamous, and the author’s notes got more aggressive in response to the feedback. It was hacked twice, and then the author ‘got bored’ of it, and then she got locked out of her account.

It got really famous because no one could decide if it was genuine or a parody. It was so terrible a lot of people thought it must have been satire, but it was so long and so bad that a lot of people also thought it couldn’t have been made up because of the effort that went into it. It was like an over exaggerated example of all the worst bits of emo internet culture in the early 2000s, and some people saw it as a brilliant commentary on the state of fandom while others saw it as a blight on people who were trying to get fanfiction to be taken seriously. The debate raged and My Immortal even became required reading for a course at Princeton, but the author managed to stay anonymous and one of the greatest mysteries of the internet.

Recently, an unrelated scandal occurred in the YA publishing world where an ‘author’ named Lani Sarem attempted to buy her way onto the top of the NYT Bestsellers List with a book so terrible it garnered comparisons to My Immortal. People started speculating (half joking, half serious?) that maybe she was the author, My Immortal had been completely serious, and she had never grown up or changed her writing style at all and was now trying to scam her way to a profit with it. 

This is obviously terrible, and it actually coincided with the real author of My Immortal making her first public statement on the internet in years, after she rediscovered and updated the bio of her fictionpress.net account, which had a similar account name, creation date (and apparently the same email and password) as the fanfiction.net account that had hosted My Immortal. After that first update she came back to say, no, she was not Lani Sarem. And then she came back again to reiterate that she was the real author of My Immortal, and, in the process, dropped hints that she had an agent, an editor, worked with amazing women in the publishing industry, and that she couldn’t say anything else about My Immortal ‘for now’.

Linking directly back to the Lani Sarem scandal, an editorial assistant at Wednesday Books made a (now deleted) tweet saying, “we have a book with the girl who wrote My Immortal. Definitely not the same person as this nut.” 

Someone took this information and began hunting for clues as to who this author could be. They came across mention of a book called Under the Same Stars by Rose Christo, being published by the pretty damn impressive publishing house Macmillan. Now, I’ve heard two different stories at this point: Both might be true, maybe they happened at the same time or maybe one after the other, I’m not sure. But I’ve heard that they then found Rose Christo on Twitter, and discovered a screenshot she’d posted of something else that had another tab with what appeared to be the fictionpress account open. The other thing I’ve heard is that someone found Rose on tumblr and searched through her blog for mentions of My Immortal, and found a post where she admitted (in a round about way) to being the author (because she didn’t want Ebony being called a TERF, as if this story wasn’t wild enough to begin with!!).

Either way, people were now undeniably linking Rose Christo with My Immortal. And it turns out they were right, and Rose was the author, and Under the Same Stars is actually a story that details the time of her life when she was in the New York foster system, searching for her younger brother and writing My Immortal (which was a troll fic, she has confirmed) with her foster sister, referred to throughout the fic as Raven. 

Here’s the official description of the book:

In the early 2000s, Rose Christo was separated from her five-year-old brother and shuttled between foster homes in Brooklyn to the Bronx and back again. Desperate to be reunited with her sibling, she traveled the five boroughs, unable to find any trace of him, as New York State’s child care agencies failed to help her time and again.Then, with the help of one beloved foster sister, Rose created an infamous piece of Harry Potter fanfiction titled My Immortal, posting it online under the pseudonym XXXbloodyrists666XXX. The “44 chapters and 22,000 words of hysterical, typo-laden hyperbole” went viral as the most notoriously terrible fanfic ever read by the community. For years, fans, writers, and editors researched, debated, and contested the story’s origin and its mysterious author: Was this grammatically challenged rant actually written by a suicidal goth teenager named Tara Gilesbe living in Dubai, or was this a hoax perpetrated by a group of professional authors making fun of fanfiction?The truth is a gripping, compelling, and surprisingly funny story of how a young girl infiltrated and used the fanfiction community to search for her brother by baiting their attention with a deliberately badly written tale, creating a 10-year mystery that garnered pop culture media attention and remained unsolved — until now.

Understandably, everyone lost their minds, because all the backstories people had hypothesised for the author of My Immortal were so far from Rose’s real life story (or the glimpses we’ve gotten of it so far). 

She had been hoping to remain anonymous until the publication of the book was properly announced, when it’s subtitle The search for my brother and the true story of My Immortal, would have whipped up this same internet frenzy. But the whole thing with Lani just caused people to go snooping and the news came out earlier than she had planned, which is actually quite frustrating and upsetting for her, I’d imagine. But she seems to be taking it in stride.

You can read her FAQ, where she answers a few questions about all this in her own words, and you can read about the other books she has published here. I also recommend checking out her blog in general for some great insight into issues effecting Native Americans. You can buy her books on Amazon, too, if you want to read any others before Under the Same Stars comes out.

Even though we all know who the author is now, My Immortal remains one of the greatest things to ever come out of the hell-time that was the early 2000s, and is like a time capsule of all the worst bits of internet culture back then. After following this mystery for a decade, I’m really, really glad to know that the author has done so well for herself.

[ratralsis]

I have been badly neglecting this tumblr, and my writing in general. I'd like to change that, but I say something to that effect at least a few times a year. Sometimes it lasts a couple of months, sometimes only a post or two.

Last year, for example, I replayed every route in a visual novel that I wanted to write about, then never actually wrote about it. If I were to write about it now, my memory of the game would be so full of holes that the post would be trash. I guess I have to replay it again, or something. Maybe take notes this time. That'd be a good idea.

I've played a bunch of games in the last six months, and I'd like to write about some of them, too.

I got God of War, the new one, as part of a Black Friday sale. It's good. It isn't great. It isn't worth writing about. I'm sorry. It's true. It's a solid little action game with extremely repetitive combat that relies too heavily on difficulty as a game mechanic and requires too much grinding to get the best upgrades for the best armor.

I got Kirby Super Star Allies, as well, and that's a game that is definitely worth writing about. It's a baby game, for babies, and I love it. It's a delight to look at. The experience of marching endlessly forward through the levels, pausing occasionally for a puzzle, but never because the combat is particularly hard, is just plain fun. It's a relaxing game for when you're already in a slightly relaxed mood. And I love each and every Dream Friend, and I think that the three Mage Sisters are an overpowered blast to play.

I would like to write more about that, and about the optional, more difficult, modes in the game, and what Kirby represents. Hint: Kirby is an unstoppable killing machine, and we all love him for it. I am no exception. I love Kirby, too.

I played Monster Boy and the Cursed Kingdom on Switch, and loved it. I completed it in about 18 hours, which I thought was pretty good. I took a lot of time pursuing dead ends and grinding for money, and wasn't trying hard to go fast. It's a charming game that does a good job of feeling like the old Wonder Boy games. I think it's a bit too easy to die to regular enemies, and that it's a bit too quick to bestow mercy health on you when you die a few times to a boss, but it's still fun and the ending is one of the best I've ever seen in any game, ever, due to its incredibly ballsy brevity. It's an animated cutscene less than a minute long with no dialogue that still provides closure to almost every dangling plot thread (the only one it doesn't, as far as I could see, was what happened to Mysticat, the man behind the big bad who just sort of wanders off-screen before you fight the final boss).

What else, what else... I started Hollow Knight recently, for the second time. I own it on Steam because it was part of a deeply discounted deal that got me a Steam Link I have never used, and I got it again on Switch for $10. I haven't gotten far on either version. Despite regular encouragements from reviews saying I need to stick it out until the second area's boss or so, I haven't even made it to the first boss, haha. It's super annoying to make money to buy the map, quill, and compass, and without those I genuinely have no idea where I am in the game world at any given time. I'm only in the first area and I can't stop getting lost! I kind of hate it!

I can't say it's because I hate all Metroidvania exploration whatever games, because I JUST said I liked Monster Boy enough to get every item. I'll keep trying at the Switch and see if I get far enough to like the game.

I've done it before. Final Fantasy X, for example, has a truly awful first few hours, and is one of my favorites in the series. Cave Story is another game like that. I would go so far as to call Cave Story my "game of the decade" for last decade.

(For those curious, my game of the decade for the 90's is Metal Gear Solid, and of the 2010's is Undertale. I base that not on how awesomely fun they are, but on how much they affected me as a person and changed the way I think about things. Metal Gear Solid did what no other art could do to teenage me and taught me clearly what PTSD and real trauma are, but I have no interest in replaying it and don't really like later games in the series.)

(The 80's don't have a game of the year because I was too young when they ended to care.)

Anything else in the last six months that I played that I want to write about? Did I actually write about Dragon Quest XI here or not? I played it on PS4 and earned my first platinum trophy playing it. I GOT a platinum on Nier: Automata, but I didn't earn it. I bought all the trophies after finishing the game. You can do that. It counts. But it doesn't feel very good.

Dragon Quest XI is absolutely worth writing about, though. It's pretty great, in general. My favorite in the series? I don't know. It's too new for me to be sure. It certainly has things I don't like, like the forging minigame used to upgrade equipment. Could have done without that!

I've also, of course, played an absolute shitload of games on my phone and as many more adult games on PC that I probably won't write about because they aren't worth it. Do you care what I think of Hammer Quest, a game where you march 100 meters per stage while swinging a hammer? I paid my $7 and finished everything that game has to offer, even maxing out my level and the levels of the two hidden hammers, but it isn't interesting to write about.

I guess I could if someone wanted me to, but I'd mostly just be writing about strategies rather than my thoughts on the plot or characters or what they mean to me. I could write about Kirby. I don't think I could write about... What's even that guy's name, Leon? Maybe? Doesn't matter. That's kind of the whole point.

I could write about Christmas or my birthday, which was this last Sunday, but I don't think I will. They were stressful and I'm glad they're over, but also, very little actually happened. Nobody celebrated my birthday, so I got another year older without a surprise party or cake or anything like that. I'm fine with it. I'm not happy about it, but I'm fine with it.

I don't know what else I could say. Maybe this is enough for now. Maybe writing about the relative fighting skills of everybody in Megatown yesterday got me fired up and feeling like writing again. Maybe I already was, a little bit, when I wrote that last night. It isn't my first work. I repeat a lot of phrases ("I imagine," "I'd have to think," "I highly doubt," and so on), and it doesn't flow very well. Still, it was fun to write.

It generally is, for me. I guess that's why I do it. Or why I should, at least. I'm awfully inconsistent.

[onelettereffect-blog]

(1/3) Any advice you could give me? I'm an INTJ and I've been in quite the Se grip for quite a few months, and being aware of it makes it even worse. I stress-eat and so I've gained quite some weight as well. The main reason for this is that I've been thrown off my "juju" (if that makes sense) and failed to make my intricate schedule prior to this college sem (For various reasons. Mainly guys. This is why I cannot date. I cannot focus my energy on two things at once. Also emotions ???)

(2/3) I’m quite stressed in result of the lack of structure and also, I’ve been lacking in performance lately. Simply put, it’s a matter of “I’m going to fail, it’s not going to be perfect. So why should I even try?”. I understand this mindset isn’t healthy, and it’s not how I usually am. I hate not being at my best and not doing anything worthwhile. So I am under constant stress, stress-eating and over-indulging to cope, hating myself for not taking action, and the cycle continues.(3/3) I’ve tried to come up with ideas myself but… I think it’d be better and more comforting even, to hear from someone else how I can get myself out of this horrid rut? Thank you for your answer, I appreciate it and your blog.~–~–~–~–~INFJ: Hey there, INTJ. So when I get this type of questions, I end up talking about what has worked for me or what has work for people around me, since that’s the best mark of quality I can offer. However, I understand different people work differently and maybe not all of this helps. But if there is something in my words that help you regain your steps, I’ll be a happy camper.

First things first, something you already know: you’ve made some not-so-good choices that took you were you are now. I am quite sure that some circumstances had a bad effect on you, which mix in the rut you are talking about. I’ve seen that in my INTJ. So my first advise is to understand one thing, without falling in the next one:

Understand that your present self is a product of your past choices.

Understand that hating on your past and present self isn’t gonna help your future you. (In the end, we are here to try to make things easier to future you).This is harder than what it looks like. 

[Geek example, ignore if you don’t need it(?): There is this thing in games called Random Number Generator, that makes things a little random sometimes. When you are playing an strategy game and you get your fair amount of bad luck. Maybe your attack didn’t hit your opponent three times in a row and you loose because of it. That sucks. Would things had been different in other circumstances? Probably, yes. But you see, you can’t control RNG, the same way you can’t control some of the things that happen to you. What you can do, is prepare the best strategy you can possibly make, and try your very best every moment. Okay, geek off].

The second thing I’d recommend is reading my last post about overthinking if you haven’t already. You can find it here. There are some points that might help, and for starters, I really, really, really recommend you to go for a walk everyday. It’s a great predecesor to create the habit if exercising. It does sound like there is a little too much serotonin in your brain at all times lately and not quite enough endorphins there. Going for a walk everyday can be hell, but I am confident you can do it. At lest ten minutes. As they say in Bojack Horseman: “It gets easier. You have to do it everyday. That’s the hard part. But it does get easier”. This might take a while, but exercise helps with:

- Sleep problems.- Training your will.- Making you feel better.- Keeping your mind at a your very best.

As I said, this might be difficult at first. Don’t beat yourself if the day ends and you haven’t gone for a walk. That is like blaming RNG, won’t help. Just plan the walk you are gonna take first things first the next day, and do it.

This brings me to my next point: your J is frozen. So let’s bring some warmth! I want you to find a place where you can write. A piece of paper works, but if you have a notebook you can use, that might be better. I want you to stop reading this when I give you directions, and come back when you are done, okay? For around five minutes, try to put in this piece of paper every task you’d been procrastinating that is making your mind feel shitty. It might be laundry, it might be signing up for a gym, it might be buying one particular text book.Do it now. I’ll wait here till you are done.

Are you done? (If you just want to keep reading that’s okay too, just do it later, alright?) Now, I want you to do one of two things (even both). This is since I’ve watch that one works for some people and the other one for others:

Divide each task in one of each of this pairs: important-not important, urgent-not urgent.

Put next to each task how long it’s gonna take you. If you are not quite sure, try to switch it in “5 mins, 10 mins, 30 mins, one hour, unknown”. 

If you completed the first instruction, you’ll have a list of things you need to get done right now (important-urgent). This is your fire zone (my INTJ gets dizzy after dealing with this one for too long). If you feel in a constant feel of urgent things, where everything is important, you’ll eat out your willpower and then it will be hell to seat down and make an action plan because your mind will be burn-out. This is probably the case, so we are gonna take things slow. Don’t put in your plate more than you can eat. As well as going for the walks I talked about, you are going to do one thing of this category each day. You can do more if you feel like it, but for a start, every night before (or every morning of the day in question, whatever works for you) you are gonna choose which task you wanna get done the next day. And then, try to get it that the day in question. At the same time, I recommend doing as a secondary quest, one of the tasks in the important-non urgent category (this is the category I feel like you should be in). But this is a secondary mission. Do it only if you can, or if one day you feel like you can’t do your primary mission and there is a task for the secondary you could get done.

When the first week is over, how about you come back and talk to us? Maybe we ca try a little review of your week. Has this worked? Do you have any suggestion? Do you want further advise? I’ll be glad to help if I can, and give out more tips if I find some that might help. Sorry if it this was weirdly written. You really got this, okay? Just follow the first step and keep going.

PS: You can obviously talk to us before one week goes by. I mean, whenever you need. 

Now, up with you!

– INFJ—INTJ: I don’t feel like there’s much for me to offer other than my own personal experience. That stage was hell for me, too, and I know it sucks hearing that it’s not so important because our future and aspirations are important. But you can handle this. And it does get better.