#I've been a bit busy between school and learning to live alone

[shinsengumi-archives]

I’m back (after writing a 55 pg fic so far). I’m trying to wrap my head around Soji’s timeline and pouring over the timeline you have posted.

In September 1867 Soji becomes seriously ill - does he stay with the Shinsengumi still during that time I’m guessing?

January 1868 - I assume he went to Osaka for the battle of Toba-Fushimi but he doesn’t take part in it? He stays behind with Kondo who was shot in the shoulder?

February 4 - they sail to Edo, and I assume Soji is with them? And this is his first time on a ship?

Feb? ?? - Okita’s sister Mitsu and Okita Rintaro left (which I’m guessing they were in contact and it’s unknown how they parted)

February 28ish - This is when Soji goes to Matsumoto Ryojin’s clinic and is staying at Matsumoto’s house at Imado shrine.

March 24 - so a month later the Shinsengumi goes to Kofu Castle and stays in Hino which is still in Edo where I’m guessing Soji gets bad/feverish and can’t travel so this is actually where they officially leave him at Uekiya Heigoro’s house? In the “site of Okita Souji’s death” post you say it was the end of February when he moved there (which would be a month prior to this when he was going to Matsumoto’s clinic - so I just want to clarify that it was around the end of March that Okita moved to Heigoro’s house.

Sometime in March (before the 28th) - the Shinsengumi visits Soji and he smiles and doesn’t let them know how sick he is so they won’t worry.

March 28-April 25 - the shinsengumi are pretty much all around Edo until Kondo is beheaded in May and Hijikata gets injured at the Battle of Utsunomiya Castle - Where does Hijikata go?

July 19 - *sobs* we lose him. So he’s at the house alone and suffering from end of March to July? 4 months. And in those four months, he did visit Kondo’s wife Tsune and daughter Tama at Joganji Temple in Nakano (when was this?).

Let me know if I missed anything we know about Soji here as well!

Thank you so much and super grateful. I want to learn as much as I can and flesh out the timeline a bit so I can fully understand what he experienced and how he lived up until the end.

Hi @sayitcanonlybeme, sorry for the extremely late reply. I've gone back to grad school and have been busy with classes/projects for the past few months, so I haven't been able to be active on Tumblr until the holidays.

The timeline was posted a long time ago when I first started learning about the Shinsengumi, so there are inaccuracies, especially mixups between Lunar calendar and Western calendar dates.

Here are the events with details and corrections:

September 1867 Soji becomes seriously ill

It's not clear exactly when he became ill, but according to Japanese Wiki Corpus:

according to Kanefumi NISHIMURA's "Mibu Roshi Shimatsuki", he [Okita Souji] was seriously ill around September when the quarters were moved to Fudodo Village; and in a letter to Kondo dated October 13, Kojima wrote that he was worried about Okita's worsening condition. Given the above, when Okita's health condition worsened so critical that he could not bear fighting was from autumn to winter in 1867. It is also thought that his intense exercise might have been an added burden on his lungs and aggravated his illness.

I'm not sure whether the dates are Lunar or Western calendar, but September is October on the Western calendar. Here's a useful calendar converter.

January 1868 - I assume he went to Osaka for the battle of Toba-Fushimi

He was first staying at Kondo Isami’s mistress’s house in Rokujo, Kyoto, not far from Fushimi (according to this article and this article). Abe Juro arrived there on the morning of December 18 (Lunar calendar, Western calendar: January 12, 1868), hoping to assassinate Okita. He later mentioned in the "Shidankai Sokkiroku" (史談會速記錄), "However there was no one there but one woman, who after interrogation admitted that there was an Okita Souji the other night who at 10PM returned to Fushimi. It was really regrettable."

December 18 was also the day Kondo got shot in the right shoulder on his way from Nijo Castle (more info).

They were both sent to Osaka Castle to receive medical care, so neither of them participated in the fighting that started on January 3 (Lunar calendar, Western calendar: January 27).

February 4 - they sail to Edo

According to this article, Kondo, Hijikata, and Okita boarded the Shogunate's ship Fujisanmaru on January 10 (Lunar calendar, Western calendar: February 3).

(image sources: [1] [2])

Nagakura boarded the Jundomaru which left a day earlier. Out of the 150 Shinsengumi members, 116 remained. They went back to Edo on those two ships along with the rest of the Shogunate army.

The Fujisanmaru arrived at Shinagawa, Edo on January 15. Kondo and Okita went to a medical clinic in Kanda Izumibashi (神田和泉橋) to receive treatment from Matsumoto Ryojun. The rest of the Shinsengumi stayed at a garrison in Kajibashi Gate (鍛冶橋門).

This is likely Okita's first time traveling on a ship since the Shinsengumi originally arrived in Kyoto on foot and there are no other records of Okita making long journeys.

Feb? ?? - Okita’s sister Mitsu and Okita Rintaro left

Okita Mitsu and Rintaro evacuated along with the Shinchogumi's sponsor, the Lord of the Shonai domain Sakai Tadazumi, to the Shonai domain in northern Japan (source).

Since Souji wasn't fit for travel, he was left behind in Edo. According to the Okita Family Records, they left him on February 26 (Lunar calendar, Western calendar: March 19, 1868). However, according to this article, Mitsu and Rintaro left in March (lunar calendar), so I'm not sure which date is more accurate.

According to the Shinsengumi's financial records, Okita withdrew money to pay a carpenter on February 26 (lunar) to repair Uekiya's house in Sendagaya where he spent his final days, so he had either just moved in or was about to move there when Mitsu left.

February 28ish - This is when Soji goes to Matsumoto Ryojin’s clinic

I think February 28ish (lunar) is when he left Matsumoto Ryojun's clinic.

According to this article:

In January of Keio 4, Matsumoto Ryojun was summoned by a certain Hiraoka, a young official of the shogunate, and receive news that "The wounded from the Battle of Toba-Fushimi were returning to Edo, and that they should be given temporary hospitalization at the residences of the lords". As if following in the footsteps of the Shogunate's army, news spread that Satsuma-Choshu army had moved eastward and was coming to Edo. Most of the wounded had already been cured, and more than 30 patients were treated at Imado. He built his own dormitory in a corner of the grounds of the shrine in Imado, where he lived, and built a hospital building in Shofukuji Temple, which was used as a field hospital, and moved his own patients there as well. The Shinsengumi, defeated in the Battle of Toba-Fushimi in Keio 4, returned to Edo aboard the Fujisanmaru and were transported from the Kamaya (釜屋, an inn/teahouse) in Shinagawa to a medical clinic in Okachimachi, Kanda Izumibashi, and then to a field hospital in Shofukuji, where Kondo Isami and Okita Souji were treated by Matsumoto Ryojun, but this is only speculation.

So it's not clear when they went to each location, but from that article, it sounds like Okita went to Matsumoto's clinic at Imado Shrine shortly after arriving in Edo.

March 24 - so a month later the Shinsengumi goes to Kofu Castle and stays in Hino

They went to Kofu on March 24 (Western calendar, Lunar calendar: March 1), so it makes sense that after Okita got too sick in Hino, he was left behind and eventually sent to Uekiya's house in Sendagaya.

He was probably either about to move in or already living in Uekiya's house before he left towards Kofu, since he took out money for renovations on February 26 (lunar).

Sometime in March (before the 28th) - the Shinsengumi visits Soji

Since Nagakura assumed Okita died at Imado in his diary, most Shinsengumi members probably didn't know that he was staying at Uekiya's house starting from March. They were probably trying to keep his location secret to keep him safe.

Since Kondo was captured soon after the Battle of Koshu-Katsunuma, it's unlikely that he ever visited Okita again.

Hijikata did go back to Edo for a short time after that battle, so it's possible that he could have visited Okita, but he was busy pleading Kondo's case and preparing for battle.

It's also possible that a few other trusted Shinsengumi members knew Okita's whereabouts and visited him. Since they didn't want to tell Okita about Kondo's death, it could mean that Okita was still in touch with some Shinsengumi members.

March 28-April 25 - the shinsengumi are pretty much all around Edo until Kondo is beheaded in May and Hijikata gets injured at the Battle of Utsunomiya Castle

At the Battle of Utsunomiya, Hijikata was shot in his right foot on April 23, so he was carried from the battlefield on Shimada Kai's back.

On April 29, Hijikata arrived near Aizu-Wakamatsu and stayed at Shimizuya Inn, which had hot springs, to recover from his wound.

He learned about Kondo's death while he was there and built a tombstone for him at the nearby Tenneiji temple.

On July 1, he left to visit his men.

A month later, he went back to the battlefield to fight the Battle of Aizu.

(source)

July 19 - *sobs* we lose him. So he’s at the house alone and suffering from end of March to July? 4 months. And in those four months, he did visit Kondo’s wife Tsune and daughter Tama at Joganji Temple in Nakano

He died on July 19 (Western calendar). He might have been lonely without his loved ones, but I don't think he was alone since Uekiya’s rice cooker was taking care of him and he probably saw other doctors after Matsumoto left.

He visited Kondo’s wife and daughter at Joganji Temple, but I don't think there would be any records where we could find the date since he was in hiding and trying to keep his movements secret.

According to the quote from this article from "Shinsengumi Imon" (新選組遺聞) by Shimozawa Kan:

Isami's family, his wife Tsune and his mother-in-law Keiko (瓊子), moved out of their house in Ushigome shortly after Isami left for Koshu and moved to the outskirts of Edo. They rented room at a temple called Joganji in Nomurahongo.

In the Shinsengumi's financial records, there's a withdrawal on February 28 (lunar) for the house in Ushigome where Kondo’s wife and child lived, which might be related to the move.

So Okita probably visited them in Joganji some time between March and July.

This article (from the "Joganji Records" (成願寺誌)) describes what his final days were like:

Edo was already crawling with government troops with Imperial Brocades, but Uekiya, where Souji was staying, was a safe haven in Ikejiribashi, a very lonely place at the time, where the sound of watermills over the river echoed and there was hardly anyone to be seen at night. Although safe, it must have been too lonely for the young Souji. Sometimes he would go by palanquin to Joganji temple, about a ri away [a 1 hour walk]. He would stay there for days and days. He had an incurable disease, and he probably knew better than anyone else that his death was approaching. Unable to endure the loneliness and desolation, he would come to the temple and soak in the warmth of the unchanging affection of the mother and child, and how comforted he was by that.

Let me know if there's anything I didn't cover or if you have any more questions.

I would really like to read the fic you wrote, if you don't mind sharing it - nvm, found it :)

[mysticstarlightduck]

OC Interview Tag

Thanks for the tag, @willtheweaver (here)!

I'll go with Renn Atrius from Song of Thorns.

Were you named after anyone?

"I'm not sure. My parents weren't that close to their respective relatives, due to a myriad of reasons - the main one being that my maternal grandparents are vampire hunters, and my father was a vampire. You can imagine how uncomfortable the family meetings were. Dad said my name means 'honesty, love or benevolence' - I think it's a pretty great name."

When was the last time you cried?

"Hmm. I'm not sure to be honest. It was probably a while ago - I occasionally have nightmares about... well an incident, in my past. Those dreams do make me cry most times, but they have been few and far between lately, which is good."

Do you have any kids?

"None. I'm pretty young still for a dhampir - my current age is equivalent to 18 in human years, so I'm basically still a kid myself - and regardless, I've been too busy not being hunted by the people who want me dead and trying to rebel against the King to even consider something like that. I probably won't for a long time."

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

"Yes, all the time! Especially when I'm trying to annoy that fancypants asshat of a prince I have to travel with. That is priceless."

What is the first thing you notice about people?

"Let's see (starts listing the following with his fingers): if they're a Hunter, if they work for my psychopath of a grandfather, if they're another stupid villager ready to call a mob with torches and pitchforks to go after yours truly, and so on and so forth... There's a lot to consider when you're in my shoes. Other than that, I guess I try to notice their demeanor, a bit of their personality, and whether or not I'd like to waste my time talking to them."

What is your eye color?

"Light greyish brown, like my mother's. When I use my vampiric powers, my eyes glow a bright red, like blood but glowing like two little lanterns."

Scary movies or happy endings?

"Happy endings. I don't like the feeling of fear that much and the world is already horrifying enough for me to subject myself to more scares while reading fiction. Ha, if I wanted to endure something scary, I'd just have to tell a random villager I'm half-vampire or go out into the cursed woods alone. Happy endings are honestly my favorite thing about some books - they show us that no matter how bleak things may seem, there can be a brighter future ahead."

Any special talents?

"It depends. I'm a great swordfighter, have perfect aim with my bow and arrow, and am very agile - after my family was betrayed I survived mostly as a thief stealing from corrupt humans, so I had to learn how to climb things and be silent, which are also talents I consider special. Oh, and I can turn into either a giant bat or a really tiny one - transforming into a giant bat is easier and lasts for a longer period of time! My Dad taught me how to."

Where were you born?

"I was born in my family's manor in the vampiric lands, where I lived with my Dad until he was killed by a Hunter when I was around five years old, during a diplomatic visit to my human grandfather's lands."

Do you have any pets?

"Yes, I have a pet raven called Cornelius. I call him Corn for short! He's a little crazy bastard of a bird and I love his chaotic energy, haha."

What sort of sports do you play?

"I'm pretty active. I'm constantly running, climbing things, and fighting people who try to hurt me, so I guess that counts, plus I often fly around in my bat form, which is a great exercise for the arms (as they're my wings when I'm in my bat form). I also practice archery and sword fighting quite frequently!"

How tall are you?

"I'm honestly not sure. Probably 5.9ft. So around 179 centimeters? I think. I haven't had time to really measure my height if I'm being honest, haha."

What was your favorite subject in school?

"I was born a noble, so I would have had private tutors teach me instead of going to a traditional school like humans do - fey don't really do institutions like that, and learning from tutors and parents is the custom in vampiric and fey lands. But my Dad died when I was five - so I was orphaned and had to learn to survive on the run since the Hunters also wanted to kill me. I didn't really have that chance. Before that, it was my father who taught me how to read, write, and draw. He also used to teach me a lot about vampiric history and botany. When we visited my mother in the human lands she taught me a bit about sewing."

What is your dream job?

"I'm not sure. I would love to be an adventurer and help people whom the kingdom has forsaken, but I'm not sure if that counts as a job traditionally. If I manage to aid others during my lifetime in any way and make the world a better place than it was before, even if just a little bit, then that's enough for me."

Tagging (gently): @sleepy-night-child, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @smol-feralgremlin, @oh-no-another-idea, @littleladymab,

@winterandwords, @cowboybrunch, @eccaiia, @sarahlizziewrites, @illarian-rambling

@agirlandherquill, @anoelleart

@leave-her-a-tome, @writernopal, @anyablackwood, @unstablewifiaccess, @forthesanityofstorytellers

@i-can-even-burn-salad, @cakeinthevoid

@lassiesandiego, @thepeculiarbird, @clairelsonao3, @memento-morri-writes, @starlit-hopes-and-dreams and OPEN TAG

[fangaminghell]

Okay the Suraya post.

In general, I've been thinking about replaying reborn whenever the new update drops, to get a better understanding of my ocs. I did it with Rejuv, i'm doing it with Deso, and honestly, with how i've felt about my reborn trio, i gotta do it with Reborn. And part of that re-examination of my ocs is trying to understand their arcs. And for Suraya, I felt she didn't really have much.

And by that I mean, unlike Leo or Blair, I felt she didn't exactly have standout moments for her character to grow. Leo has several moments as the main protag, Blair has everything regarding xyr sibling, the reconstruction of reborn city, xem opening up xyr heart again. Suraya...doesn't get much like that. The Big Thing she gets is literally being taken out of the plot and into the void. Sure, it comes as a big character change for her but like. Her big moment is her getting taken out of the plot? Really?

My goal is to fix that. Make her more than the caring one, or the one that worries over her brother. Suraya is more than that, and honestly, i don't think even she realizes that.

After talking about it with a friend on discord ( hi pink), I realized Suraya's arc theme could be about her finding her own identity. Outside of her status. Outside of her family. Outside of Leo. Who is she, anyway?

Suraya Indu Joshi has had her life planned out for her from the jump. She was the oldest, and thus set up to inherent the family wealth and business. She was an older sister with neglectful parents, so she became the parent for Leo at a young age. Her life is as busy as it gets, between school, aura training, dealing with fellow upperclassmen in general- she hardly if ever gets time for herself. Truly for herself, cause if she's not doing any of that, she's trying to look after Leo. At most, she gets her own freedom in her secret relationships with other women, but those are often short lived due to her already busy life. And for a long time, Suruya never fully questioned this. She never asked herself what she wanted. Mainly because she was genuinely happy and proud with what she was doing! She loved being and aura wielder, she loved learning about law, she was proud to keep her family legacy alive.

But who is Suraya Indu Joshi? She does not know. She will not for a while.

Throughout Reborn, Suraya's biggest focus is Leo. She went after him when he ran away, she stayed with him to make sure he would be okay, her entire motivation was her darling little brother. And this is not a bad thing by any means! That's her brother, of course she would care. But when will it ever just be Suraya?

Seeing Leo grow throughout Reborn. Seeing him grow beyond his family name, his status, his former self, growing beyond her made Suraya feel....conflicted. She was proud, of course. Look at her little brother go. But then it was the realization that Leo....doesn't need her anymore. She no longer has to be his parent- she can simply be his sister. Someone who is there, but not the parent. And that....made her feel a bit empty? Because when you spend all of your time and energy focusing on one person, when that person doesn't need you in the way things used to be....what can you do? What can she do?

I feel like Suraya kinda starts getting a bit existential, because one of her main roles is getting taken away from her, and she kinda has to sit there and think " now what. what do i do". And that is when the Void Incident happens. And honestly? Outside of the void monsters? Possibly the best thing for Suraya. Because it's only then where she is completely alone. Alone with her thoughts, alone with herself to just think about herself. Of course, her goal is to get back to Leo and her friends, but that's gonna take a fucking while,so why not reflect on her life, hm? Do something that she was too busy to do and finally try and understand herself. So when she comes out of the void, she kinda feels like someone new, but still the same. Her growth doesn't even stop there, because I think after everything is said and done, and Suraya knows things will be okay...I think she travels on her own for a while. She still has a lot to learn about herself, and she needs to take that journey alone. Pink suggested that she writes in a diary about her journey and honestly that's a really good idea.

One last thing bc I am getting tired: for this reason, I now see Suraya x Saphira as a slow burn. As in there's clearly some feelings popping up, but the situation they find themselves in + both not being mentally ready for a relationship, they kinda just don't immediately get together by the end of the post game, as neither are really ready for a relationship. This isn't a "wait for me" scenario- i fully believe their feelings for each other will waver over time, especially with the both of them picking themselves up from scratch. But! They'll soon reach a point in their lives, in which they both go " hey. wanna go out sometime".

Okay that was a lot of words, and i'm tired, goodbye-

[chlo-le-mouton]

Everytime

[barnesbabee]

𝓹𝓵𝓪𝔂 𝓭𝓪𝓽𝓮 - 𝓽𝓮𝓷

|| ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ || ⇜ᴘʀᴇᴠɪᴏᴜꜱ - 10 - ɴᴇxᴛ⟿

⟿ ꜱᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ: No sensible person would turn down their boss if they looked good as good as Seonghwa. But maybe they would wish they had…

⟿ ᴄᴏɴᴄᴇᴘᴛ: CEO!Seonghwa x reader, bestfriend!Yunho x reader || Social Media!AU

ᴛᴀɢʟɪꜱᴛ: (send me a DM or an ask to be added) @ateezappreciation @shinyddeonghwa @lilithpooped @cloudyyeonnie@yeosangmystar @wooyoung-a @sanisms @mingismoon @lovelyvitamin @anawwyd @annasbannas @im-just-trying-to-survive-man @uglychildd @oddlittlefandomist@pirateland @jin-neck-shaft @lovelyvitamin

"Seonghwa I was kidnapped."

"What the fuck."

--------------------

There was more silence in the line. Seonghwa didn't know what to say, and the half bottle of wine he had just had was starting to kick in.

"Are you serious!? Y/N are you okay!?"

"Y-yes yes I think so, I'm not harmed. I know it's a bit much to ask but, can you come get me?"

"Yes, of course, share your location and I'll be there in a minute. Are you in danger!? How many people should I bring!? Do we need guns?"

"Just you should be fine, it's just one asshole and his friend..."

"What?"

Seonghwa was visibly confused, and rightfully so.

"I'll explain everything once you're here... I'm sorry."

"No, no don't be, I'm in my garage already, I'll be there in a second."

Once you hung up you felt a little unsafe, so you walked a little further to get away from the house, and, in a blink of an eye, Seonghwa's red SUV pulled up right beside you.

He came out of the car and held your shoulders, examining your body for any bruises, scratches, or blood. Fortunately, you had nothing but a couple bruises on your knees and hips, that he couldn't see.

"Are you okay?" He asked, looking into your eyes.

"I'm okay now."

You gave him a small smile, which he returned. He put his arm around your waist and helped you seat on the passenger seat of his car.

"So," he said, as he started the car once more "what the fuck happened?"

You sighed, there was a lot to unpack.

"I've kept some really close friends from high school, San, whom I'm sure you've heard of, Jongho, Mingi, and Yunho. We were always very close, and I was particularly close to Yunho. We grew a little apart after we graduated 'cause professionally we were looking for different things, but Yunho and I realized we couldn't be apart, so we started dating. Everything was going well but towards the end, we started having more fights, more arguments,... So I decided it would be better to break up while we could still be friends before it became more toxic and our group of friends would fall apart. But he started having some really shitty behavior... He would scare and push away anyone who tried to date me or to flirt with me, but I never mentioned anything and never made much of a fuss because I really cared about him still, after all, we had been such close friends for a long time, it was hard to let go. Once I applied to your company and learned about you I was a little... starstruck and amazed, by you."

You could see him blush slightly and smile (a smile he tried to hide) from the corner of your eye. But he kept quiet and listened.

"I talked about you to my friends, and Yunho hated it. But there was nothing he could do because unlike everybody else he didn't have direct contact with you, to try and scare you off. And once I announced I was hired, he hated it cause it meant I'd be closer to you. He straight-up called me a whore. A couple days after that he apologized in a very weird way, it was creepy, so San told me he'd pick me up after work 'cause it was dark and not very safe anyway, but today- yesterday" You reiterated, after noticing it was well past midnight "I told him not to pick me up because I'd be meeting you after work, so I'd just be riding an uber anyway. I don't know if Yunho found out about me going to your house, or if he just waited every day until San didn't pick me up, but a black van pulled up in front of me and someone pulled me inside. I had no idea what was going on, I passed out and when I woke up I was in a dark room alone. Yunho barged in some time after and came with the 'see, I'm here and Seonghwa isn't' type of conversation, and that's when I found out he had orchestrated the whole thing for me to notice how much better he supposedly is..."

Seonghwa sighed and rested his head on the car's seat.

"Shit... That's a lot to unpack."

You hummed in agreement.

"I'm sorry I know it's a lot to deal with, you can just... drop me off at home."

"No, no absolutely not. He knows where you live, doesn't he? If he's insane enough to fake kidnap you, he's crazy enough to pull up to your house and do God knows what. I'm taking you back to my house, you can take a shower and I'll lend you some clothes, I'm sure something of mine fits you."

You smiled at his kindness. You really didn't expect Seonghwa to be like that. Deep down you thought he would be the classic 'work above anything' type of CEO, one that really didn't care about others, but you were surprised.

"Seonghwa, I don't know what to say... We have known each other for no longer than a week."

"Well that's true but... How do I say this without seeming too forward, we seem like a nice match. Texting you is the most fun part of most of my days and I like the way you're able to separate personal life from professional life. I'm not going to lie after we exchanged some... texts, I was afraid you'd start sprawling on my desk naked and I really didn't want to have an awkward conversation with you about limits and boundaries."

It was hard to contain your laughter. Although he was a confident man, you could tell he was a little awkward when talking about certain issues just like that. You smiled and brushed his hair away from his eyes.

You got to his house quickly, but the engine going quiet didn't stop your conversation. He gently took a hold of your hand and guided you inside.

"I'm glad you think like that, after Yunho talked to me I was afraid you'd be using me just for sex."

Seonghwa chuckled.

"I guess that's the general idea..." He sighed before continuing his sentence "Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this, I have never told anyone, not even Wooyoung 'cause he would yell at me, but it's actually the other way around. Women come to me and I happily have sex with them, not gonna lie, and then they end up ghosting me or telling me to fuck off after I try to become closer to them. I guess it's my fault, I'm a little dense when it comes to understanding what women want."

You could tell he was a little embarrassed for admitting that. He was looking away as if the wall was the most interesting thing in the world, and his cheeks had a little pink tint to them. You grabbed his hands and looked into his eyes.

"It's okay, I'll make sure to send understandable messages."

You both smiled widely at the joke, but then everything was serious. You were staring deeply into each other's eyes and you were suddenly aware of the closeness of your bodies. You could tell Seonghwa was hesitant, and you wanted to follow through with your promise.

You got on your tiptoes and kissed the corner of his lips, signaling that you wanted the same he did.

He cupped your cheek, gently yet firmly, and brought your face closer to his. Seonghwa teased you for a second, not quite closing the gap between your lips. You groaned quietly, revealing your restlessness for him, and he finally connected your lips, in a soft, innocent, yet long kiss. It soon turned into something else, something rougher and full of meaning, His hands were stiff on your waist, gripping you tightly as if preventing themselves from roaming somewhere else.

"You know, you don't need to hold back, Sir..." You said when you broke apart.

He groaned at the little pet name you knew he loved.

"I know doll, but I promised no funny business, you need to rest, it's been a long day."

Seonghwa kissed your lips gently and rubbed his thumb on your waist. He then kissed your neck and approached his lips to your ear.

"Plus, I have plenty of time to test you out, don't I?"

[melxncholymermxid]

2021: A Year in Review

I'm normally the last person to toot my own horn and give myself flowers, but I've seen a couple posts about what we all accomplished this year, and I wanna partake.

Early 2021 was rough. A close friend had recently been in a car accident and without a car. I'd been with her at the time and we worked together, so I offered to drive her around. She has kids so it wasn't just work, it was day care, school, groceries, her dates (she had an awful breakup in summer 2020 and she was starting to get over it), smoke seshes (she lived with her mom and without a car had nowhere to smoke and she needed to to be able to eat/sleep/etc), and any other obligations she had. This lead to having issues with getting to work myself, along with burn out and resentment on both ends in our friendship.

We also got two new managers who came from a less busy store and, to be fair to them, had no idea what they were getting into. I slowly became one of the most depended on in my department while simultaneously getting shit from managers who only seemed to notice me when I did something wrong.

I started a new job in May while continuing to stay at my old one. Haven't done that since I was 18 and my new job was EXTREMELY physically demanding. Between the two jobs, stress and little to no free time to eat, I lost quite a bit of weight. I've always had body image issues and the threat gaining it all back if I quit kept me at a work flow that I knew I really couldn't manage.

At my former job there was a posting to work at one of the locations in the Hamptons (an hour ride from where I lived). They offered to pay for travel and to raise the rate up to $18 (I made 15 and had never had a raise in nearly 2 years). This sounded like a great opportunity. The pros were

A break from my toxic store

More money

Change of pace

More freedom at my new store vs my old one

The cons however clearly outweighed them

1hr drive in traffic

Rude tourists and rich people

Still maintaining my 3-4 am job and barely sleeping before going in @12 (leaving at 11)

Working 8-9 hrs an hour away meaning getting home at 10-11 and sleeping 4 hrs before getting up and getting to my job at 3

Doing the hour drive every day, back and forth because my other job was right around the corner from my place

Not seeing my nana enough and feeling neglectful

After starting I learned that the "travel pay" was deducted from the check, and with the increase of income meant more taxes. In the end I think I made less/the same amount of money.

After the summer was over, and being practically begged by my new friends I've bonded with over the past 3/4 months to stay, I went back to my old store that was just as bad, if not worse then when I left. Another new manager and new hires that did not give a fuck (honestly, I get it) that had replaced all but one person from the old crew. When I returned, aside from getting shit from coworkers who looked down on me for leaving them, I was also alone for 6 out of my 8 hours I worked every night, closing alone. This included:

cleaning the entire department: foors, ovens, fryers(multiple times during a shift if the deli manager complained about the smell), all the dishes from the day (including morning crews mess), tables, the rotisserie chicken warmers(3) in the store, dusting the shelves in our department, and whatever else they needed

Doing 5+batches of rotisserie chickens in a small oven because our rotisserie oven was deemed unsafe by our Union and the store wouldn't call maintenance

Making fried chicken and getting a talking to every time it was empty even though it takes 15 minutes to cook and I could only make 4 packages at a time because one of our dryers was also broken

Spitting all of these chickens plus 3 bins for the morning(45 minute job) to use even though I can count on one hand the amount of times that I've walked in to work with full containers

Doing the prep work our full timer didn't get to that morning (even though when I didn't finish everything she was the first one to bring it to a managers attention)

Cooking the afternoon/night hot bar food, which pre-Covid was a 2-3 person job

On top of the stress of doing all of this alone, I was also ALONE, left to my own negative self talk and self deprecating inner monologue. It didn't help that I only got shit from every single one if my superiors

A rude older coworker who I always hear the shit she says about me from other people

A manager who to this day I still believe didn't like me because I'm black

A new manager who was the most disappointed that I left the week before he transferred to run our shit hole of a department

And multiple upper management who didn't understand how I couldn't handle the jobs of 3 people by myself

After two weeks of being back and already losing my second job, I quit. I was jobless for the first time in over two years. I was 23, an adult, and had nothing to show for it.

I live with my nana because my mother spent the first 20 years of my life being emotionally neglectful and abusive. After moving out 3/4 years prior, she's had a lot of shitty circumstances and even tho our relationship has gotten better, I've carried around guilt of leaving her a year or two after my dad left.

Late 2020 was awful in terms of my body image, sexuality, romantic/sexual relationships. I swore off the possibility of a love life; coupled with the burn out of early 2021 I started to enter my ✨nothing matters✨ phase.

Why was I killing myself working? What future was investing in?

The only positive I could cling onto is that I had saved enough to take a break from the work force. I decided to use my time to look and see what the community college was offering. Seeing as there were plenty of courses that had late registration, I enrolled and started a pharmacy technician program. I was going back to school.

As difficult as it's been to return to a school environment after 6 years of mental burnout from work and adjusting to online schooling, it's the best decision I've ever made. The program only takes a year and sets you up with a job after you complete the course and qualify for the cert exam.

Through the school I'm actually able to get mental health counseling for the first time in my life. I believe in therapy and medicine, but I never believed it would work for me. Somehow my suffering was so unique, I was beyond help. Obviously I'm not "cured", my depression didn't disappear overnight, but just talking to someone once a week who I know is there to help and not judge has made a huge difference.

I also was able to qualify for health insurance, and I have a whole bunch of doctor appointments set up after the new year.

In conclusion (gd this is so long), in the year where day-to-day I felt the least in control and on the right path, looking back now I realize even though its not easy, and there's a lot of work I'm not used to anymore, I am on the right path.

As someone who is incapable of setting long term goals on my own, school gives me a feasible, time constrained goal to work towards, and just a week ago I took a midterm and got the highest grade in my class.

As someone who has felt needy and stupid and wrong my entire life, I can now see a professional and have learned that I, as a person am okay, and everything I've deemed a weakness is just a response to the trauma I didn't believe I had. My anxieties and so many things I'm insecure about are coping mechanisms my childhood self needed in order to survive on my own mentally and emotionally while I was physically being depended upon by my parents to act as a third parent my whole life.

I had a breakthrough the other day regarding my pessimistic, existentialist attitude towards life and also my relationship with myself.

My self hate is rooted in the envy of what I believe I should be and my high expectations that I hold not only myself to but others as well. I'm far more judgemental of others than I previously thought. As someone who prides themselves on being kind and people pleasing and just being a non confrontational person by nature, this all trickles down and concentrates in how I feel about and regard myself.

The person that I hate isn't me, it's the version of myself I've always aspired to. Yet the person who deals with this hate is my inner child. I'm currently very detached from my physical state rn, seeing as I don't know much about her, but I know my inner child.

I know 4 year old me that had to adjust to no longer being the only child.

I know the 8 year old me who blocked out the fact that my dad repeatedly left my mother to raise me and my siblings on her own, on and off for most my entire childhood.

I know 11 year old me who was depressed, going through puberty and was constantly othered in middle school. The 11 year old who just wanted to feel pretty and wanted and had unmonitored internet access and talked to any adult man who wanted to talk to, and SEE, me.

I know 12 year old me who only felt release and control when seeing blood stain my sleeves with holes in the thumb. And later, the 12 year old who was caught and promised that she would start to be listened to and cared about more.

The 13 year old got used to promises not being kept.

15 year old me had to adjust to new people in a new state. She was warned since she started school that we would always move, but after 11 years of knowing everything she experienced was temporary, she had no idea how to "settle in".

16 year old me had a father leave home for the final time. And after mourning the lost of a parent, had to unlearn everything she knew about her favorite parent. While he was there emotionally, when he was there, he was probably the #1 factor in my mom hating her life and not being able to express her love for us properly. I thought for years that she fucking hated me, only to realize she didn't know how and couldn't afford to get help. And the 1st man I ever cared about turned out to be a cheating deadbeat who had no issue leaving the woman he used to love and 4 kids he still convinces himself that he does love to go see family who never really fucked with us like that. He got to have a girlfriend or two and travel while my mom looked for love in anyone who would offer, in return for a place to stay.

17 year old me graduated and became the only parental figure to a 2 year old step brother that her mother and abuser then-husband were too busy to give a shit about. Then I was finally able to get a job, through a very gracious gift from my nana that I couldn't even truly enjoy because mother used to resent me for my relationship with my nana.

I never got to experience a stable childhood, and because of the failings of adults before me I'm fighting an uphill battle. But for all these iterations of me, adult me has to step up. I can't be another adult who let's them down.

I think I've never felt ready, and possibly will never feel ready, for kids is because I've got plenty to handle already.

Not so much a resolution, but some semblance of motivation for 2022 and onwards:

Whether it's work/school related, fitness related, mental health related, etc. I'm not just doing it for me. I'm doing it for the child who had to do everything herself and then some.

Sorry about the long post, if you made it this far thank you, I love you. Have a happy new year 💓

[invadernurse]

Return of 'Catching Flies'

So it's been quite a while since I posted last. Predictably, I've been rather busy with life. But between this and that, I have been working on editing/revising several of my stories, Catching Flies being one of them.

So, until I get up to Chapter Twelve and edit the Ao3 version, I was going to post chapters here.

So here is Chapter one: Cruel and Unusual

Fic: Catching Flies

Overall Rating: Teen

Summary: You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. That’s what they say anyway.

Teacher!Reader makes the mistake of trying to help the two most troubled kids in your class. This leads to forming a science club, learning some childhood psychology, adopting an alien older than you, and somehow catching Professor Membrane’s interest.

Non-binary Reader; The reader does have a last name: Nemo-- which means no-name.

Relationships: Eventual Professor Membrane/Reader. Mainly platonic found-family between Reader and Zim and Dib.

"Fight! Fight! Fight!"

The chanting slowly grew louder over the usual schoolyard din after school had been dismissed for the day. It caught your attention from your post, making you frown. Most middle schoolers were either waiting for someone to pick them up or trudging home in the late summer heat. However, a crowd had gathered near the sports field; angry yells and screams muted only by the group as they jeered and cheered. Another fight. It was less than a month since the semester began, and this was the third fight you had broken up, mainly because the other teachers only turned the other way. You could see Miss Maple casting a bored glance towards the crowd, shrug her shoulders, and go back to her phone.

You sighed in resignation and started toward the fight. If it was Zim and Dib again, you were….

It was. You could see Dib's signature black coat and Zim's off-color skin over the crowd as the two boys rolled on the ground, fighting each other tooth and nail. "Oh, for fuck's sake," you growled quietly to yourself as you hurried across the lawn when you realized how intense the squabble was. "Ok! Break it up!" you snapped, your voice cutting across the children'. You were rather pleased as the other children paled before scattering quickly. 

Except the two boys seemed oblivious to your command. Dib bit into Zim's gloved hand, earning a sharp scream from the literal olive-skinned kid. You saw Zim raise his other hand and you quickly grabbed it before he could yank Dib's wild hair. "I said: stop!" You ripped the two boys apart, one hand clutching Zim's gloved hand while the other had a fistful of the back of Dib's coat. Both boys seemed stunned by your sudden appearance, their eyes wide as you glared down at them. "My office. Now!"

You didn't give them a chance to react before you dragged them back to the school, ignoring them as they switched between blaming each other for the fight and throwing barbs at one another. This was not what you expected when you took this job. You had heard the big city was chaotic, but the rumors hadn’t dissuaded you. Kids were kids no matter where they lived, right?

No. They weren't. At least not these two. There was no doubt in your mind that both Zim and Dib were brilliant one way or another, but they were also absolutely insane. At least to you, it was apparent that Zim was technologically gifted, and Dib was well suited for the investigator he dreamed of being. The two boys could easily inherit the world if only they had their heads screwed on right. 

Except Dib had a very unhealthy obsession with the paranormal, far more than anyone else you had even met. His imagination reached far beyond anything you could even dream of, and he was utterly convinced every single thing from vampire bees to aliens were real. You almost questioned if he wasn't living in his own reality at times. 

As for Zim, his egomania alone was staggering. He seemed convinced that the world should revolve around him. And he had absolutely no idea when it came to social situations to the point you wondered if he was undiagnosed with some kind of behavioral disorder. 

You finally reached your hole-in-the-wall office and let go of the preteens as you pushed open your door and gestured to the two seats in front of your desk. "Sit," you insisted as they hesitated in the hall, glaring at each other. They had twin expressions of petulance on their face as you took your seat to face them before following your directions. "Explain what exactly compelled you two to try and kill each other."

Instantly you were overwhelmed with both of them talking at the same time, their voices quickly rising as they tried talking over each other. That obviously was a bad idea. "One at a time!" you corrected, shouting over them. Thankfully they quickly quieted, except now they were glaring at each other. "Zim, you first."

A manic smile spread across the boy's lips as he pointed at his peer."Haha! You see Dib-worm! They recognize my superiority and trustworthiness over you! Zim is--"

"Ok, no. If you’re going to be like that, Dib is talking first," you interrupted, already aware that if Zim started to talk in the third person it meant trouble. Heck, it had been evident in the first few days of the semester.

Dib, to his credit, didn't boast other than a small little smirk sent Zim's way before he turned to you with an earnest and straight face and said: "He was getting ready to activate his machine to turn everyone into monkey slaves."

Before you could even try to comprehend his sentence, Zim gave a sharp bark of triumphant laughter. "Ha! You’re wrong! I would never use disgusting monkeys for my research!" He smiled proudly as his voice softened: "It was going to be chinchillas."

You sighed as you rubbed the bridge of your nose. You should have just sent them to the principal's office. Except for the oaf Meyers was beyond useless. You had brought up all your concerns that first week, only for the man to pick his nose and shrug his shoulders. He didn't care about how the school was falling apart, or how the children were running around without discipline, or even the fact that the textbooks were not just outdated, but horribly wrong.  

"And you thought starting a fight was the best way to solve the situation?" You asked weakly after a moment, unsure what else to do. Anyplace else, you would have reminded them to grab a teacher. Except none of the other teachers seemed to care.

"Well, we aren't chinchillas right now, so yeah?" Dib answered truthfully, making you pause. 

"I do have to admit Dib-stink's actions did temporarily set back my mission," Zim agreed with a nod, which only flabbergasted you further. "Otherwise all you human scum would be chattering little fur balls worshiping at mighty Zim's feet!"

Another groan escaped your lips as Zim chuckled darkly. You weren't paid enough for this. But you didn’t become a teacher because of the pay. You did it to help raise and nurture the next generation. "You both have detention for the next week."

-+-

The next day after school you led the two grumbling boys into the depths of the school to a room you had discovered a while back. After all, you had a feeling that the usual detention hall, where they would be barely supervised and mainly left to their own devices, would do little good. 

These geniuses need something a little unorthodox to reprimand them. 

"This is cruel and unusual punishment!" Dib cried out, looking at the mess that had once been a science lab. You don't know what happened to it, just that it had been abandoned, used as a trash room, and then forgotten about long before you ever became a teacher.

Granted, you just became a fully fledged teacher this year.

"I refuse to be a-a cleaning slave!" Zim yelled. "I am far above such disgusting things!"

"Tough," you answered, handing both of them a trash bag. "I want you to sort this mess out, together. Trash what is unusable, sort what can be scrapped or fixed and pile them into a corner."

This wasn't a job for any kid. But these two...you were confident they could easily figure out which was which. Plus you were fairly sure it wasn't too hazardous. Most of it was smaller things, like chairs, decade-old computers, and other such things. "Everyday after class for the next week you are both going to be here to clean up. If you fight, that's one more day you have to serve detention."

You settled into a chair you had found, bringing out a book you had bought. ‘Childhood counseling for morons.’ If no one else would help these two, you would.

As the week progressed, the days seemed to be stretched out with the extra hour of detention everyday. As it turned out, Dib and Zim literally could not go one day without fighting. Which only landed more detention time to last until winter break. 

Slowly though the room started to look less like a junkyard and more like a room just in need of a little TLC. You bought bins to help sort out reusable scrap and broken things. You had also used the hours to learn more about the two.

Zim was needy not only for attention, but praise as well. It was like opening a can of worms once you started giving compliments to both boys. The rivalry only worsened, but you saw it mainly as Zim being desperate to prove he was better. It was astounding how much he seemed to crave your approval once you started to show him some attention, making you question his home life he never mentioned.

Dib wasn't nearly as desperate for approval, though he did react well to it like any kid. Just listening to him about his ideas on aliens, ghosts, and vampire bees, and asking honest questions made him warm up to you quick enough. Every afternoon brought another theory. Another paranormal monster, or another government conspiracy to hide the truth. 

What sites did he browse in his spare time? Half of his ideas were more complex and more creative than most of the books you have read. To be honest, part of the reason you listened so intently was just to hear and hopefully encourage his imagination.

Then, in the middle of the second week, just as everything was nearing the end, he had one last idea that rattled you to your core.

"You do realize Zim is an alien, right?" Dib asked after you had let them go from detention. 

"Why do you believe that?" You asked instead of laughing, which had been your first reaction. Yes, Zim was a little different…. Okay, very different. But an alien? Really? 

"Just look at him! He-he's green!" Dib answered defensively with all of the conviction of a child believing he  was right. "I've seen his spaceship and everything! He's an Irken invader that came to destroy the Earth! Granted, after what happened on Peace Day he doesn't seem as hellbent on destroying or conquering the Earth anymore…"

You paused, remembering those trippy couple of days you had spent under your bed, sure that you somehow got dosed with LSD. Later it had been announced a mass hallucination-- possibly caused by the prototype Membraclets and the last minute 'upgrades.' Granted you hadn't been able to afford one after the massive price hike, but there was no other rational explanation. 

You forced those thoughts away and focused on the boy in front of you. "You know, from what I've seen, I think he just needs someone to listen to him." After spending so many hours with Dib, you knew telling him that his ideas were foolish or crazy was the worst possible thing to do. Instead, the book you had read encouraged trying to change the delusion from the inside out. "Maybe steer him in the right direction. Have you tried showing him why he shouldn't destroy the Earth?" Dib had a thoughtful look on his face, making you cheer mentally. "It's easier to trap flies with honey than vinegar," you pointed out rather desperately, hoping that you weren't getting in too deep. But the thoughtful expression turned even more serious. 

"I could trap him by being his friend...I mean, it has its merits, but would Zim fall for it?" There was a pause as he mulled his thoughts before apparently reaching a conclusion and his thin lips broke out into a conspiratorial smile.  “Thanks Mx. Nemo! I'm going to give it a shot!" 

He ran out laughing, and you were already regretting your decision. 

------

Chapter Two

[generallybarzy]

hey there, stranger. i

SERIES MASTERLIST

summary: when you mention being lonely, Rebecca Seidenberg sets you- their babysitter- up on a blind date with Mat Barzal.

an: hi, i’ve been mia for a few days now due to some stuff, you all know what happened, but anyway here’s something to make my absence better! i know there might be some details that don’t make sense irl but just roll with it please I love the strangers to lovers trope so much. 

word count: 1.6k

Okay, you were lonely.

Ever since moving to New York for your first year of college, endless amounts of studying and work and more little jobs on the side to make ends meet living in the big city had taken up most of your spare time, leaving few opportunities for dating. Even when you did go on dates, they rarely lasted long enough to be called relationships, and not once have you had a serious relationship. This was your 20s, you were supposed to be out there living your life, weren’t you? Stupidly falling in love and getting your heart broken and learning along the way. But instead, you were busy trying to focus on that degree, leaving any hope of a love life behind.

Of course, there was nothing wrong with focusing on your degree, it was a degree you'd been looking forward to getting and you had been lucky enough to get accepted to your dream school, but it would be nice to have a significant other you could hold at the end of the day. Right? None of your many, many dates ended well, though, and though you were still young and didn't need to worry, you were lonely and felt late to the party as all your friends were falling in and out of love. It may have been dumb, but you were beginning to believe you’d never find the right guy.

And that’s where Rebecca Seidenberg stepped in to help.

She was a friend of your mom's and aunt's, and, though you didn't know her personally when you first moved out, word had spread through your family and to family friends, and she reached out to let you know that if you ever needed help in the big city, she would be there. She had been practically a mother figure to you since last year when you moved to New York all alone at 19 years old. She and her hockey player husband lived on Long Island with their children, just a quick commute from your city campus, and apparently, your mom had been in constant contact with her since your big move, checking in and asking someone to watch out for her little girl. You got a call one day asking if you needed any extra cash because, according to your mom, you were good with kids, and the two could use a babysitter for the night.

So, while you resided in a dorm room in the city and worked on campus between classes, you spent a lot of your Friday nights and weekends out on Long Island babysitting for the Seidenbergs when they went out on date nights.

They all quickly came to love you, especially the children, and you found it worth it to spend your weekends with them rather than out on any shitty dates or getting drunk at some stupid, dangerous frat party like a lot of college students. You loved their family, you loved all the genuine love, and could only hope that one day you'd have a relationship with that much love in it. You didn't like to admit how much you wanted a boyfriend, maybe it had something to do with your own insecurity, but you didn't want to think you needed a man. Maybe it had something to do with your fears, too. You didn’t want to get messed up again. You didn't need a man, but how great would it be to have someone there at the end of the day to curl into and rant to and love? It would be amazing. Okay, maybe you were a hopeless romantic. But you’d never admit it.

But about a month ago, as Rebecca was talking to you about a date Dennis was taking her on next week, you were feeling particularly romantic and hopeless. Your second year in college had just started up again, and you had returned to New York from your hometown to settle back into your lonely dorm room. All your friends were either meeting up with their partners after spending the summer apart, or dealing with the loneliness of having to be separate from them for the upcoming year, but you had nobody like that, and just let it slip.

"I wish I could find a guy who loves me like that." You lamented after commenting on how the Seids looked at each other with absolute heart eyes. "It's starting to feel like I'm just destined to be alone."

"What?" She looked at you incredulously, laughing a little as if she couldn't believe you hadn't found anyone. "You're still young, you have plenty of time!"

"Yeah, realistically I know, but I've been on so many dates, and none of them are ever successful.” You groaned, maybe a little dramatically as you thought back to all the dates you’d had since moving out of your parent’s house last year and coming to New York. “And all my friends have, like, solid relationships, or are at least messing around, and I can’t even do that. I feel so far behind.”

“There’s no timeline on love.” She spoke wisely, like the motherly figure you’d been missing. “You’re not falling behind. Anyway, the chances of you meeting the love of your life this young are pretty slim.”

“I know, and I’m not looking for the love of my life. Just… someone, you know?” You thought for a moment, just of having someone to smile with, to hug and to kiss after a hard day. You hadn’t had a true boyfriend since your last year of high school, and that hadn’t ended well. You had fallen hard for the wrongest person in the world, and he had done nothing but hurt you for months. It had definitely messed you up a bit, but you wanted nothing more than to forget about that whole ordeal and come out of your shell again, to love again. “I don't know if I'm being too picky or my standards are too high or something, but I just attract the wrong types of guys."

"Hmm." She gave it thought for a moment, and you knew she was going to work some of her motherly magic. "Well, what are you looking for?"

"I don't know. Just someone who's genuine? Someone who's really passionate and has a big heart. And funny, the guys I date always have the blandest humor and it makes dates so awkward and I'd have to force laughter. Someone who actually cares. I don't think that's too much to ask for, is it?"

"It's definitely not." She laughed for a moment. "I actually know someone who fits in those categories really well."

"Really?"

"If you'll let me, I think I could get him to go on a date with you."

"No, no way, blind dates aren't my thing."

"What's your thing? Dating apps?" You laughed at the playful chirp, but unfortunately, it was true. "Come on, I know it'll go well, even if you don't end up together. He's a great guy!"

"Alright, fine!" You laughed a bit, at both how excited she was and how excited you were to meet this guy she spoke so highly of. "It better be worth it."

"Trust me, you'll love him."

And that's how you ended up here, sitting all alone in the corner of a little coffee shop in Brooklyn, fiddling with the strings coming loose at the sleeves of your oversized sweater. It had been getting chillier out in the past few October weeks, and even though it was cozy and warm inside, you kept your sweater on for comfort, so you had something to fidget with and calm your nerves.

You were so nervous, you were overthinking everything you were doing. Were you dressed okay? Jean, a cute turtleneck with a loose sweater thrown over top, a cute little necklace- too casual? Not casual enough? Was your hair a wreck? You’d thrown it up in a cute bun but had it become a wreck since you walked here through the breeze? Your makeup was simple, but had it covered up the fact that you’d been breaking out due to the stress of your recent surge in classwork? You had already ordered a drink but immediately rethought it. Was it rude to order before he showed up?

As much as you trusted Mrs. Seidenberg, you couldn’t help the nagging feeling that this date would go horribly. He would be here any minute, you were sure of it. You could feel it.

And you were right.

The door to the coffee shop rattled open and in stepped a man who quickly drew your attention away from everybody else. In dark jeans, a tee, and a nice-looking black bomber jacket, he didn’t really stand out, but there was something about him- his aura, the way he held himself, that made him so appealing. That immediately drew your eyes to him. He had dark hair that looked soft to the touch and made you want to run your fingers through it, and his brows were furrowed above searching eyes as he looked around the room, making you think that maybe he was looking for someone. Maybe he was looking for you. Maybe it wasn't too much to hope that this man was your blind date. And the moment his eyes fell on you- the only person sitting all alone in this cafe- your eyes locked. Only then did you realize you’d been staring. His eyebrows quirked up a little bit and you saw a little smile start to pull at the corners of his lips. As he approached your table, you realized your prayers were answered.

He moved in long strides, almost gracefully towards you, and you were so mesmerized with how he approached you that you almost missed his beautiful voice when he spoke to you.

"(Y/N)?"

Breathless, you smiled. "Hey there, stranger."

[fydream]

It's been exactly 13 minutes since school has ended and Jisung is slowly losing his patience. He about to angrily text Donghyuck to ask where he is when he sees you walk out the front gate of your school talking to Jaemin. He doesn't know what he's hurt by more, the fact that you seem to be doing fine without him, or the fact that you're with his best friend, Na Jaemin.

He takes a second to think if sending one text message is really worth being alone for the rest of high school. He decides not to and tucks his phone away before slouching down against the tree and sitting on the grass. Since it's currently autumn the ground is cold and isn't ideal to be sitting on right now but Jisung is left with no choice.

Either Donghyuck has forgotten about Jisung or he simply wasn't going to show up, which Jisung doesn't blame him for either. If he were Donghyuck he'd do the same. After all, what do you do when someone you absolutely despise asks you to talk?

Another ten minutes pass as he watches the student parking lot slowly empty as well as other kids leaving campus to walk home or someplace else with their friends. He's about to give up and go home when he sees a familiar pair of shoes in front of him.

"Jeno." He whispers, looking up at the boy standing in front of him. "Hi."

It's awkward. There's hesitation from Jeno as he waves a hello back at him, neither of them want to be there right now as the awkwardness between them rises with each second passing by.

"Donghyuck said he would, uh- be a minute." Jeno coughs, hoping to ease the tension a bit.

"Okay." Jisung says, before it gets quiet again. Neither of them dare to look at each other as Jisung stares at the ground and Jeno looks at the leaves in the trees that happen to rustle each time the wind decides to pick up speed.

Jeno decides to take a seat on the ground in front of Jisung, Jisung notices this and tries to avert his attention elsewhere. He can't help but think about how this was the spot that he, Jeno, and Jaemin would hang out in during their freshmen year and how it brings back bittersweet memories.

"So.. Uhm." Jisung coughs, getting Jeno's attention. "How are you and Donghyuck doing?"

"Good." Jeno replies. "We're good."

"That's good." Jisung responds.

Then it's quiet again. They repeat this cycle for a while until Donghyuck decides to show up. Fifteen minutes and an awkward conversation later he decides to join the two.

"I'm late. I know I'm late but I got caught up in the library with Chenle because he wanted me to help find him a book.. He kept denying all the ones I recommended to him so I just left Renjun to deal with him." He explains running towards Jeno. "How long have you two been here?" He asks.

"A while." Jeno explains.

By the tone of his voice, Donghyuck can tell that he was a bit annoyed to be left waiting for him with one of his old friends. Donghyuck pouts at Jeno with puppy dog eyes while Jeno rolls his eyes and pats the ground next to him, indicating for Donghyuck to sit. Donghyuck giggles as Jeno wraps his arm around him and pulls him closer.

Jisung sniffs and awkwardly looks at the ground in front of them as he waits for the two boys in front of him to calm down. Once they do he starts with "So you're probably wondering what I wanted to talk about huh? And.. Why I said you should bring Jeno.. huh?"

Donghyuck tenses before nodding slightly, only relaxing once hearing his boyfriend's name. He doesn't say anything after that.

"I came to.. Make things right." He says quietly, still avoiding eye contact with the two. "Donghyuck, I know I've put you through hell. I don't expect you to forgive me, I don't expect you to say it was okay because it really wasn't. I know I've been an asshole and I know everything I've done to you isn't acceptable because all I've done is bring you heartbreak and trust issues but I wanted to tell you I'm sorry."

Jeno scoffs at the word vomit that Jisung managed to spew out while Donghyuck shoots him a glare.

"I know those two words probably don't mean anything to you," Jisung continues, letting out a light chuckle. "But I mean it this time, truly."

"And.. Jeno. We've known each other for how long? I should never have done that to you either.. As one of your closest friends.. or should I say ex-friend.. I should've been able to see that you really liked him. It was selfish of me to allow you to suffer and invalidate your feelings like that. I'm sorry. I hope we can still be friends, but if you don't want to I'm okay with that too. I just want you to be happy, and if that means I'll be out of the picture.. then.. I'm okay with it."

No one says anything for a while. It's quiet, and Jisung doesn't like it. It's the type of quiet that automatically makes you think. It's the type of quiet that makes you wonder and rethink everything you've said. Jisung gets lost in his own thoughts of self doubt when Donghyuck finally decides to speak.

"Okay." He says. "I forgive you."

The sudden straightforwardness leaves both Jeno and Jisung in a little bit of shock. It surprises them. As Donghyuck can tell it's definitely not the answer Jisung was expecting but the answer he wanted.

"Why?" He asks.

Donghyuck giggles. "Because even though you did cause me harm and all of that shit, I still have the people I care about. Plus, one more." He says smiling, holding Jeno's hand.

"Think about it." He says. "No one got hurt- physically- no one died, no one else has to suffer. Besides.. We're just kids in high school after all. We're gonna look back at this one day and laugh because of how much drama was caused. One day we're gonna wish we didn't spend so much time on this and wish we just let ourselves have our senior year.. We're not gonna get it back. In ten years this most likely won't be the biggest problem in our lives."

"Oh." Jisung whispers as a small smile creeps up on his face. "Thank you."

Jeno doesn't respond.

It hurts Jisung more to not hear anything being said from him, he'd rather have Jeno tell him he doesn't want to be friends anymore then to sit here and be given false hope. Jisung wants to look at Jeno, he wants to see how he'll respond. But he doesn't want it to look like he's begging for Jeno to forgive him. He doesn't want to be friends out of guilt, he wants to be friends again to be friends.

Jisung can tell that Jeno wasn't going to say anything so he takes this as his cue to leave.

"I'll see you around campus, yeah?" He says to both of the boys, who were now busy preoccupying each other. They don't hear him.

Looking back at them as he starts to walk away he notices a few things he didn't notice before. He looks at how happy Jeno seems to be without him. Maybe it's because he's louder and more giddier because he's with his boyfriend, or maybe it's because he was just happier without Jisung. Either way, it breaks Jisung's heart.

42 | previous | next | m.list | main m.list |

✰ how to be a heartbreaker

↳ so what happens when park jisung, the school’s infamous fuckboy runs into the new girl at school? out of boredom he decides it’ll be fun to have someone new to play with, but little does he know, she’s learning how to be a heartbreaker. 

[skzsoft]

raising our voices

stray kids 9th member au,, m.list

conflict between two members has been going on ever since kirei joined the boys. three weeks go by and kirei decides she has had enough of it, but perhaps getting involved wasn’t the best decision.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

every family fights. i knew that, however i didn't expect it to happen so soon in stray kids. when i first met the rest of the boys, they all seemed to get along perfectly. they all seemed incredibly close during that first practice we had together. but it had been nearly three weeks since then and i had quickly caught on to the conflict happening between jisung and hyunjin. i also discovered, from jisung, that there was no specific reason for their feud; they apparently just didn't get along.

when i first noticed the snappy comments between them, all i wanted to do was get them to stop. i felt this urge to try and resolve their conflict, but seungmin discouraged me from doing so, saying that it was probably best that i didn't get involved. i understood at first, whatever their issue was it wasn't any of my business. however, as these three weeks went by i had to admit that the whole feud was starting to become more and more of my business, and everyone else's too.

the constant nagging between the two was tiring and always brought the mood down whenever the group was practicing, we could never catch a break. even if it was their issue, it was affecting the whole group. i can always see it on the members' faces, the look of irritation or fatigue. so it became evident to me pretty quickly that their business was also my business, it was the whole group's business.

not all of us happened to live together just yet, so far there was only a few members living in a dorm together. the company had told us that they would let us all move in once we started shooting the reality show, so for now i was living alone in my parents house.

my parents are currently living in my hometown, gold coast, back in australia. but they own a house here in seoul, which i've been living in by myself for the last few months. this meant i could escape the arguing when i was home, but this still has never stopped the constant urge to intervene anytime hyunjin and jisung fight.

today happened to be a bad day, i arrived to practice late because my bus from school got delayed. i also left my umbrella at home this morning, not aware that it was meant to rain, and got soaked on my way back from school. and the cherry on top was that i forgot to put a change of clothes in my locker at jyp, meaning i had arrived in a drenched school uniform with nothing to change into. minho has very kindly let me borrow his spare clothes, which consisted of merely grey sweatpants and a black tshirt.

i was not in a good mood to say the least, and i was certainly not in the mood to hear any arguing between hyunjin and jisung.

the practice started off normally, with a quick warm up and some stretches like we usually did. we also started learning some choreography for warrior's descendant, the song that we'd perform at the upcoming showcase. it was just about one month away so we has time to practice and perfect the dance.

there was one particular move that jisung seemed to have trouble getting the hang of, which didn't really matter for now as we had a lot of time to practice before the showcase. hyunjin, however wasn't letting him off the hook.

"jesus jisung you can't even do this simple move, how the hell are we going to able to debut if you keep making small mistakes?" hyunjin remarked, frustrating jisung who didn't hesitate to snap back.

"at least i can rap and sing properly, shame you're only good at dancing"

usually i was patient with the two of them, but my mood today definitely did not have the patience to tolerate their pointless arguing. usually i'd try to think before i say anything or try not to raise my voice, however i wasn't in the right head space to do this today.

"oh my god can the both of you stop arguing for once? it's tiring and it's bothering everyone here,  grow up guys." i snapped mindlessly, not realizing an argument would break out afterwards.

"yah, it's none of your business. so stop trying to get involved in something that doesn't regard you. if it bothers you so much you can go back to the female trainees." he spat, looking directly into my eyes with a vicious stare. it was probably the first time i had ever made actual eye contact with him too. i was to angry to even care about what he had said about me, all i wanted was the feud to stop.

"hey hyunjin don't say things like that" minho butted in. hyunjin didn't pay much attention to him however.

"look leave kirei alone she hasn't done anything, all she wants is peace, but your too much of an ass to make any effort at all" jisung said, defending me. i appreciated his defence, but i also wanted to speak for myself.

"you're making it everyone's business by constantly starting shit!" at this point i was just mad, mad that he wasn't listening, mad that he was being selfish and disregarding how everyone was feeling.

over the last three weeks, i hadn't had any trouble getting to know the others guys. i was able to get really close to them, even changbin who had been awkward for the first week — turns out he was just overwhelmed by my addition do stray kids, but also constantly reassured me that he did want me in the group. the only person that i had made no progress with whatsoever was hyunjin. even when i tried starting up conversations during or after practice, he'd always give me short responses and just walk away. there was simply just zero effort being made, and it was becoming extremely frustrating honestly. this probably added to the reason i was getting riled up.

"okay guys! cut it out! seriously!" it was bang chan's loud voice resonating through the whole practice room that made the three of us silent. we all stared at him, not knowing what to say at all.

"i'm honestly really disappointed in how unprofessional the three of you are being right now. kirei, you're right, the bickering is incredibly tiring for the team, but raising our voices like this only makes it worse. i'm expecting more from you three in the future. so please, just cool off for the rest of the practice and figure this out peacefully in your own time." bang chan finished, clearly not impressed in how the three of us had acted today.

in a way, i was frustrated that my efforts were being discredited. but i ultimately understood chan, he was only doing his job as leader. perhaps i had acted irrationally, we all would have been better off talking about everything privately.

the rest of the practice went by without any more snarky comments. i think the two boys got the message, loud and clear. when practice finally came to an end, i noticed chan giving the three of us a look, a look that seemed to be encouraging the three of us to talk. so, i said goodbye to the other guys as they packed up their stuff and left; i once again thanked minho for the clothes.

soon the practice room was left with only myself, jisung and hyunjin. not wanting to waste anytime, i immediately began to question hyunjin.

"look hyunjin, i have absolutely no problems with you. i want to be friends, so if i did anything to you can you please talk this out with me? for the sake of the team." i questioned, he seemed to have let his guard down quite a bit. he sat down cross legged on the floor, jisung and i quickly followed.

"i'm sorry i've been such an asshole to you for the last three weeks, you really don't deserve it i'm just an idiot." he said running his hands through his hair, visibly annoyed at himself. he looked up at me, and i gave him a look encouraging him to continue.

"i guess, when i first met you during that monthly evaluation i had been crushing on you for a few weeks and i was just shy and awkward. i got over it pretty quickly but when chan mentioned you were joining us, i don't know, i just felt weird. and when you finally came, i just felt even more awkward because i didn't know how to react this whole 9 boys - 1 girl concept. either way, it's no excuse to the way i've treated you, especially today. so i just want to say sorry, i really am." what chan had said seemed to have really made hyunjin think, because he had poured his entire heart out in a matter of minutes.

i felt grateful that he had finally let his guard down and told me what was going on. i had to admit i didn't expect him to have crushed on me, but it was in the past, nearly two years ago, it didn't matter anymore. on the other hand, i could sense how jisung  felt in that moment, probably not expecting hyunjin to open up like had.

"i understand hyunjin, and thank you for saying all of that. i accept your apology. i just hope that we can be on good terms and get close now" i stated, to which hyunjin nodded and gave me a warm smile. in three weeks he had never smiled at me like that, it made me happy.

"well, i guess i'm done here then" i said, getting up from the floor and grabbing my things. i looked at jisung, who's was begging with his eyes for me not to go. but i knew that it was better if i left them, it was their issue not mine and they needed to figure this out for themselves.

"please try to talk things out, i don't care if you guys aren't best buddies afterwards. just at least try to resolve it or agree to be professional. i'll see you tomorrow boys." i finished before walking out of the practice room. i felt satisfied with how the day had wrapped up, sure it had it's ups and downs but i learned a lot.

we were a family, and no family is perfect. we argue, we fight. but in the end family is family, the love will always be there.

˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

word count :: 1.7k words.

stream go live. thank you for listening to my TED talk.

[himarifuruya]

Diamond Light [ That's the Tea ]

Preface: Diamond Light is a non-linear series of stories based around my OC Himari Furuya and her relationship with Tamaki Amajiki or Suneater.

TW: Chapters may contain Rated M [18+] content, such as graphic sexual content, canon typical violence and gore, body horror and explicit language.

Chapter Summary: Tamaki catches up with his friends and gains some unexpected insight.

Tamaki was in burnout.

Over these past weeks, he had been so exhausted. Ever since his work study had begun, he wanted to do nothing but go home and sleep. If he wasn’t on patrols, training, or studying for his classes, he was a living vegetable. His tired, aching body didn’t want to do anything besides lay in bed and waste the hours away.

It hadn’t been an unpleasant time though, working in Fat Gum’s agency had been a highlight in many ways. Though his mentor could be a tad overwhelming for his taste, he couldn’t have asked for a better one. He especially didn’t mind the partnership he formed with the ghostly hero, Wraith - who had despite her eccentric nature, provided valuable support during their missions.

Still, he could use a break.

On one of his free days, he agreed to go out with his friends. Nejire opted that the three of them should go to her favorite tea shop, saying that they have some of the best and most flavorful blends. He couldn’t deny that it sounded refreshing, especially after such a demanding week.

Lately, their schedules hadn’t been matching up, which had made hanging out difficult. Even at school, it seemed like they were always on the go. For Tamaki, it had been a little lonely, but he was happy to know that his friends felt the same. When the opportunity rose for them to get together, they immediately took advantage of it, like an oasis in the middle of a desert.

Once seated at the booth with their drinks, they began to play catch up.

He listened quietly as his friends chatted animatedly about their progress in their work study. Despite the hard work they endured, they both sounded happy with their respective agencies. Mirio spoke proudly of his mentor that he called “Sir,” with high enthusiasm, while Nejire couldn’t keep herself from gushing about the dragon hero Ryukyu. It made him smile fondly, knowing that they were having such a good time.

“How about you, Tamaki? How’s your work study going?” Mirio asked suddenly, nudging him with his elbow, causing the chimera hero to gulp on his drink loudly,

“It’s been okay…I guess…” He wanted to stop there, but he could feel his friends’ prying eyes on him, expecting further exposition.

Letting out a reluctant sigh, he continued. “Fat Gum is great and has been really helpful over these past few weeks. He’s always giving advice and loads of encouragement...perhaps a little too much praise from my perspective, but I─ really shouldn’t be complaining. We’ve been learning quite a bit.”

“We?” Mirio questioned.

A wave of warmth rose to his cheeks. “Uh…yeah, th-there’s a-a really nice girl there too she’s uh…um…o-oh no…” He face-planted into the wall beside him miserably. “…I’m such an idiot that I-I never got her real name.”

Mirio and Nejire exchanged sly looks.

"Is she cute?" they blurted in unison, catching the young Amajiki offguard.

“Don’t ask me that…” He grumbled. “All I know is that her hero name is Wraith…”

“Oh, you mean Himari Furuya?”

Tamaki’s head lifted. “Wait… You know her?”

“Yep! She was at the Sports Festival, don’t you remember?” Nejire asked

“E-eh - I g-guess I should, but I - well - I was kind of busy having a panic attack,” he mumbled.

“Oh yeah…” Nejire hummed softly with a tilt of the head, her laissez faire tone and relaxed expression easing the discomfort of admitting such a thing.

“Isn’t she also the daughter of Monochrome?” Mirio inquired.

“Monochrome…?” Tamaki was vaguely familiar with that name from some tabloids. If he recalled correctly, Monochrome was one of the more elusive heroes that stayed out of the public eye for the most part. Very few have ever met him in person.

Nejire bobbed her head. “Yeah, crazy right? They look nothing alike too, like night and day.”

“There’s a lot of rumors about that guy too...like really morbid ones.” Mirio remarked, scratching his chin. “I don’t know how true they are, but even some heroes are leery of him.”

“Why’s that?” Tamaki asked.

Mirio’s brows drew together, trying to find the right words to explain. “His quirk…he can absorb negative energies and use that to manipulate the things around him.”

Tamaki leaned in, growing more curious. “That’s quite the ability.”

“But how is that a bad thing? If he’s removing negativity, isn’t that beneficial? Wouldn’t that make any bad occurrence into a good one?” Nejire wondered aloud with her teacup held between her hands methodically.

“It does sound like a positive thing, doesn’t it? But, sadly, it isn’t that simple.” Mirio’s smile weakened as he went on. “Unfortunately, he can only store so much of that energy, so if he isn’t using it consistently, there can be some severe consequences if it leaks out. To put it simply, he isn’t exactly a lucky charm.”

Tamaki frowned deeply. “That’s pretty awful… I don’t even want to imagine the burden that could bring…”

Mirio hummed in accordance. “As long as he keeps it in check, there isn’t much to worry about, but that liability is always there.”

“I guess that makes sense, there’s pros and const to every quirk.” Nejire said, lowering her cup from her lips. “One way or another, we all have to figure out how to use the cards we are delt.”

"Oh!" Mirio suddenly blurted. "He can levitate, too."

"O-oh," Tamaki uttered in response. He glanced away for a moment, before a thought came to mind. He turned back to the blonde, uttering, "how do you know all this?"

"I heard about it at Nighteye's agency," Mirio replied brightly.

"I see," Tamaki replied softly, looking down at his tea again. It seemed that Nejire had refilled it while he wasn't looking.

"Does..." Tamaki began, trailing off as he mentally debated if he wanted to utter such a thought aloud. Furuya was a peer, someone he admired in her heroism, but who he barely knew. Yet, he couldn't help but wonder-

"...that mean he's often away, o-on missions?" Tamaki finished softly, glancing between his friends.

Nejire hummed thoughtfully. "I suppose so..."

Mirio added on more firmly, "I've heard he works a lot."

Tamaki looked back down, his lips pulled tight. So, then, did that mean Furuya was alone a lot...?

As if reading his mind, Mirio raised his cup and continued. “But, there’s a lot of unknowns, so we should be careful not to jump to conclusions.” There was a liveliness beaming in his blue irises, he looked at Tamaki, saying pointedly. “It’s better to get the information straight for the source.”

The color in the hero’s face drained. “L-Like – ask her d-directly? I-I don’t think I have the courage to do that…”

“I think he’s implying that it would be good to befriend her,” Nejire suggested kindly. Her expression lit up with a jovial smile. “Seems like it could be fun.”

Mirio nodded, following her statement with, “she’s in the other class, so it might not be as easy to meet up, but I’m sure we could work around it. What do you think, Tamaki?”

“I-I don’t know, I do like working with her…but – but I don’t want to m-make her feel uncomfortable - or think w-we only doing it out of p-pity.” While he appreciated their eagerness, he didn’t want to take Mirio’s warning lightly.

“Hm, that’s true too…” Nejire mused aloud, she leaned back into the cushion of the booth, twirling a periwinkle curl around her finger. “But, it doesn’t have to be forced either.”

“Exactly, it can happen organically – I mean, you want to be closer to her, right?” Mirio drawled.

The suggestiveness in his tone sent a blistering heat to Tamaki’s face. “E-Eh …? W-Well…y-yes, but w-why do y-you have to make it weird, Mirio!”

The blond chuckled, “sorry, but you left yourself open, dude.”

“Anyway…,” Nejire began, bringing them back on topic, “I’ve been wanting to get to know more people from class B, so this will be a great way to do that!”

“For sure, they are our future comrades after all,” Mirio agreed. “So, don’t think too hard about it, buddy.”

Tamaki’s shoulders slumped, pressing his lips together into a wobbly line. “Urk…w-when you point it out like that, i-it only makes it harder not to… - b-but, I’ll try.”

The trio polished off a few more pots of tea before going their separate ways. On his jaunt home, Tamaki could feel the brew sloshing in his belly, but he had to admit, he came out of their meeting feeling rejuvenated. If he hadn’t known better, he could have sworn his friends had a superpower for restoring energy on top of their established quirks.

Although he was still pretty worn out, he was more prepared to face the new week ahead.

In the back of his mind, he was still thinking about their discussion about the ghostly hero, Wraith. He wondered about the rumors that circulated around her family. Mirio hadn’t gone into detail about them, which left plenty of room for mystery, but maybe that was for the best.

For now, he was fine with not knowing – he was in no rush and there was no need to tarnish a clean slate.

[kuronanox]

A new beginning - Ichigo Kurosaki

It was another raining day in Karakura town for Ichigo, life was moving by slowly. He was thankful because it made him feel less old than he really was. The shinigami work was slow because the young rookies did most of the work and the hollows weren't big threats to the town.  

It's been about 3 years since he had gotten into a divorce, when he heard that rukia had moved on with her life he decided maybe it was his turn also. It's not that Orihime was a bad wife it's just that the love wasn't there for him anymore. Of course he would always love her but not into the intimate way. He didn't take custody of kazui so his son lived with Orihime while he stayed back at the same place he grew up at. Although they both agreed there would be no bad blood between the two they both provide kazui with love and care.

Ichigo and Kazui were at the park when it started to poor cats and dogs outside, he remembered checking the weather and it was suppose to be sunny all day. He didn't bring an umbrella so they made a run for it and stopped by the nearest cafe to wait the storm out.

"Ichigo?" (Your Name) called out from behind the counter, he looks back with widen eyes to see an old friend. Someone he never expected to see. "(Your Name)." He says and smiles, it has been probably 8 or more years since she last saw him.

"I can't believe it's you!" She says and runs to give him a big hug. "What are you doing back in japan?!" He says with a big grin on his face as Kazui stares at his dad in confusion. He's never seen his dad hug a girl before besides his mother so the little boy looks at (Your Name) and takes in her features. She was medium height, and her hair was lightly curled with the light of the store shining on her hair she looked pretty. Kazui blushed as she then looks at him.

"Is this your son?" She asks happily and extends her hands out to grab the smaller ones. Kazui shyly hides behind Ichigo and Ichigo cooly just scratches the back of his head and nods. "Yeah this is my son."

"Oh! How's Orihime! I came back to japan 3 years ago and I lost everyone's contacts so I've been basically alone since." (Your Name) recalls as she seats them down and plates a few deserts for the two.

"Well, me and Orihime are no longer together." He says laughing to break the tension and looks at his son who was to busy throwing down the macaroons in his mouth to pay any attention. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that." She says smiling lightly so she could keep the atmosphere more light.

"Um well, it's nice to finally get to see you again!" (Your Name) says and takes a seat with the two. "This is my cafe by the way."

Ichigo takes a look at the surroundings, it was cute. He guessed this was her place because it brought him back to high school when they were really close. The place was artsy like she was.

"So you haven't seen anyone since you got back from America?" He starts the conversation again as she leans onto her elbows and nods.

"Yeah it's been so long, I decided to come back because I didn't like America as much as I thought I would. After you defeated ywach and everyone got married I decided to make a new life somewhere else but as years passed I didn't really meet anyone significant so I decided to come back to Japan."

Ichigo looks out the window and could only agree, he often wonder if he rushed into marriage or falling in love and wondering why it fell apart fast. "How's rukia? Still like her?" She jokingly asks whispering so the little boy next to them wouldn't hear.

"Oi shut it will you!" Ichigo sighs and rolls his eyes. "Don't lie! I miss her sometimes too."

(Your Name) smiles sadly and recalled when they were all so young. When Ichigo found out the Rukia and Renji were going to be wed he asked out Orihime. (Your Name) had fought side by side with them for the years that the world was threaten and never once she ever showed any interest on Ichigo because she knew that Orihime already claimed him hers so she stayed in the shadows and then the two got married so she left for a better life.

"How old is your son now?"

"He's 10, the little shit is growing fast." He smiles and ruffles the kids hair as (Your Name) smiles.

"I guess I've been gone for a long time."

"Yeah, I've miss you sometimes." Ichigo admitted as she looks at him. He was definitely older and more mature, the boyish haircut was gone now and he had very faint wrinkles around his eyes whenever he smiled.

"Me too. Sometimes I wish I didn't leave japan but I can't say that. I enjoyed America too."

They talked for hours till it was night and Kazui had fell asleep. "I can drive the two of you home, it's dark outside." She offered even though Ichigo refused a few times till he gave in and she closed the cafe down for the day.

"Still living at the same house? I forgot where it was."

"Yeah I'll show you the direction."

After the drive they bid a farewell. "(Your Name) can I have you new number?" He asks before she drove off. "Of course, here!"

He smiles and waved her off.

Overtime Ichigo would come visit the cafe and would just chill there. He would read there, study there or even help around when he was free. (Your Name) was happy she had some company, she missed everyone especially her friends in soul society.

It was a Friday afternoon and she was teaching Ichigo how to ice a cake. "I don't remember you good at baking back then?" He teased as he watched carefully and she rolled her eyes and threw some at him. "You know people change over time."

"I'm just saying!" He laughs as she carefully finishes the top and add the last bit of the topping. "So mister what about you?"

"What about me?"

"Have you changed?" She asks as Ichigo dumbfounded tilted his head and hesitantly tried to answer. He never really tried to think about it, has he changed over the year? Maybe his feelings have but him personally.

"My feelings have, but not really me." He answers blandly as she sets the cake in the fridge and makes her way to espresso machine to make a cup.

"I don't know, you seem like you changed to me. You seem less happy." She answers to him truthfully as he quietly stares at her and she gives him a small smile.

"Maybe we both are lonely but choose not to acknowledge the change."

Ichigo doesn't say a word and stares at her for a long time as she just keeps managing the business. "Well?" She asks him trying to hint that maybe it's time to move on from the past and move forward.

"I know how much it hurt when Rukia married Renji and when you basically decided to choose Orihime as your significant other without actually taking time to find out what you really wanna love, I'm not saying you don't love her but I'm saying the love is different." (Your Name) continues as she finishes the expresso off with some cream and powder.

"I guess kinda like me, I moved on from the past and came back stronger. Maybe that's what you need Ichigo, a fresh new start."

Ichigo sighs he was lost for words. Lost for words because she was right. After losing his powers for those two years he was miserable and after defeating ywach it felt like this was the last of his adventures and then everyone started to settle down and moving on.

"Yeah maybe you are right." He mumbles to her and she smiles and gives him a small hug. "You know I'm always here for you. Don't feel alone. I know I can't replace some stuff but I can help patch some pieces."

It had been several months after that conversation and he was learning how to heal himself and find self happiness and Ichigo was feeling lighter. On both their days they would go to the library and read poetry. Well Ichigo would try to analyze Shakespeares poem and (Your Name) would read besides him as they quietly enjoyed each other company.

A few times (Your Name) would go over and cook dinner for Ichigo since sometimes he would work late hours and forget about his meals. It was welcoming to see Yuzu, Karin and Isshin again. Today was different though, Isshin was off on a business trip and the twins were off to a friends sleep over.

"Are you sure it's okay? Wouldn't it be rude?" She asks Ichigo as they closed the cafe together and he nodded his head a big smile. "Yeah! Let's eat out tonight. You are always cooking, I guess this my way for treating you."

They picked a nice restaurant that served ramen because it was a cold night and she wanted something warm in her. As the months progressed she notice Ichigo was looking better and even talking more about himself since they were making up from all the lost time.

"How's Orihime?"

"Inoue? Awe her and Ishida are together!" He happily says and she smiles too. "Finally glasses dude told her his real feelings."

"That's great, I always knew he liked her."

"Yeah I told him to tell her actually." Ichigo sheepishly says and slurps up his ramen. "Really! Wow, so weird." (Your Name) laughs as Ichigo just laughs with her. "I won't let anything go in vain everyone deserves to be happy." He finally says.

After dinner they were going to part ways again but he grab her hands and asks for her to stay with him for the night. "U-um not like that." He says blushing like a High school boy, like he was 15 again. Ichigo thought she was going to refuse but surprisingly she agreed to.

"Yeah I'll stay."

After settling down for the night they sat on the couch side by side and scrolled through shows on tv. "Why is it so cold today." She says and shutters grabbing the blanket next to her. "Well we live pretty north." He answers as she rolls her eyes and lean into him for warmth. He hesitantly tensed up from the gesture but slowly loosen up and cuddled up next to her.

"Let's watch black clover."

"Sure, seems interesting." He answers her and she hums and watches in silence. Ichigo was so into the show that hours past by and he saw she was fast asleep under him.

"(Your Name)." He calls out and she turned the other way trying to get comfortable. Ichigo chuckles and picks her up before setting her down on the bed. "Good night."

The next morning she groans and covers her eyes from the shining light, it was still really early but the sound of birds woke her up and a heavy body next to her. Ichigo was sound asleep with his arm wrapped around her waist as she started to blush. "I feel like a teenager again." She mumbles as she study his facial features. Even after years passed by she still thought Ichigo was still handsome.

Ichigo eyes open as she yelps but he refrains her from leaving the bed. "Shh, it's so early." He mumbles in a deeper voice than normal and pulls her closer. "Ichigo, what are you doing?"

"I'm not stupid (Your Name) I'm making both our happiness come true." He sheepishly says and looks up to her. "W-What?"

"Rukia told me." He bluntly says and sits up the bed now. "Rukia? When? Where?" She says sadden that the smaller shinigami didn't visit her.

"A few months ago, she told me that you've loved me."

"Oh." She responds and looks down.

"I'm sorry, I guess I was to obsessed about what was going on I didn't notice that you were there for me, it's my fault. We've could have been together and you didn't have to move to America all by yourself."

"It's okay, you know stuff happens for a reason."

Ichigo smiles and pulls her in a embrace and hides his face in the neck. "Let's just start over. Both of us together. I don't mind."

(Your Name) looks up to his smiling face and also smiles

"I don't mind starting over either."

[aliasimagines]

Meeting, falling for, dating and eventually having to leave Billy Hargrove would include :

request: Billy has a girlfriend before moving to Hawkins, being her the complete opposite of him (shy, a good person, honest, kind, dedicated, sensitive, right, who likes games, who fights for the power of women, etc…) the headcanon / imagine could be how they met, how they fell in love, how was dating (the day by day), what does Billy's family think of his gf, maybe moments / hobbies / things they both did together and perhaps what the two looked like when they both had to move to different cities. by @im-hqlover

a/n: I'm soooorrryyyyy it took me this long. It's messy and all over the place but I think I included everything (?). Also this is long. Sorry 🙏

Metting & getting to know each other

You met on the first day of high school

Billy didn't have a mulet back then, he wasn't wearing the leather jacket and didn't have his ear pierced. So wasn't really having the "bad guy" look just yet

You didn't really interact since he soon became popular while you liked to stay in the shadows thanks to your shyness

He was arrogant and rude while you are kind and quiet most of the time

But of course you have noticed him. He is gorgeous. Whit his wavy blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes.

Billy first really acknowledged you when you got paired for a school project in sophomore year. (not cliché at all)

You were nervous. Why wouldn't you be? It's Billy Hargrove we are talking about. One of the cool guys.

But honestly you didn't really think he would care about it

Much to your surprise he found you in lunch break. Billy told you that he has to pick up his step sister after school, but if you give him your address he will meet you there at 5

You were a bit shocked. Does he actually care? About a stupid school project?

Turns out he really does because he is failing the class

It's 5 past 10 when he shows up. He's got a small cut on his cheek which weren't there at school.

"Are you okay, Billy?"

He shrugged his shoulder, annoyed

"Can you just let me inside so we can do that stupid project?"

Deciding it's better not to anger him you step aside and guide him to your room

You start to do some research when you hear him murmur quietly

"I don't get this"

he was pointing at the task.

"Which part do you not get?"

"All of it?"

So you begin to explain him calmly and slowly

After about 2 hours, Billy kind of gets it so you start working.

You eat dinner with books in your hands while discussing the project.

And it's like you have been friends for years. You forgot your shyness and Billy forgot about all his problems. You even joked around between two tasks.

It's pretty late when you finish but it's friday so it's okay.

When you said goodbyes and you're about to close the door he suddenly turns around.

"Thanks Y/N. For explaining that shit."

"Of course, Billy! I'm glad I could help you!"

On Monday you and Billy present your project and the teacher is blown away by it. And Billy is so happy he pulls you into a bone crushing hug. And your bl

The teacher says that if Billy can keep this up he won't fail the class. So the teacher asks you to tutor him.

Growing & confessing feelings for each other

Once a week Billy comes over after he walked Max home( cause he doesn't have his car jet) and you guys work on home work together and study. Overtime he a bit longer stays after you finished studying. He stays for dinner (your parents love him) or you just hang in your room talking and listening to music.

Billy feels so comfortable around you. It's the way you treat him. Always so calm, kind and caring. He just feels like he can trust you. And he eventually realizes that he fell for you.

And oh boy, that scares him.

First Billy doesn't want to do anything about because he thinks there is no way you like him back.

But after spending many sleepless nights with fantasizing about what your relationship would be like he can't keep his emotions bottled up.

He gets up at 3 am and just goes over to your house and starts throwing rocks at your window

"Billy! What are you doing here?"

"I want to speak with you. Can you.. come outside?"

2 minutes later you find yourself walking next to Billy in a short and an oversized shirt you quickly changed into.

Few minutes pass and he still hasn't said anything. So you nervously turn to him and open your mouth to say something but he beats you to it.

"Y/N thanks to you I've got good grades and I'm super grateful for that but that's not why... Ah shit.. I can't"

He notices you're slightly shaking.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine just a bit cold"

"Oh, here. Take my jacket" and he puts it on your shoulders

And you're jumping out of your skin.

Because over there months you spent together you grew feelings for this boy and now he was giving you his jacket. Billy freaking Hargrove was giving you his signature leather jacket!

Oh, you weren't blushing. Naaah, not at all.

"T-thanks Billy..."

"Sure thing."

"So You were trying to say something?"

"Oh shit! ...You... I was trying to say how fucking nervous you make me." *cute small laugh*

Billy took a deep breath and stoped. You looked at him, totally confused.

"Y/N... I... I like you. Like... Like like you. I have been for a while now. You are just the cutest and kindest person I have ever met. Whenever you and I are alone I feel so happy... You make me super happy."

He looks at you like a lost puppy. He is just so goddamn cute.

Even though you're shy you pull him down by the collar of his shirt and kiss him.

Just a few hours ago you wouldn't even dare to dream about Billy liking you, yet here you are kissing on the poorly lighted street at 3 am.

That's how it started

Dating Billy & what his family thinks of it/about you

So Billy likes to show you off. Take you to parties (but if you don't want to he won't force you to), hold your hand in school or even kiss you by the lockers.

You definitely earn some jealous looks after that, even some threatening ones. (don't worry, Billy will punch everyone who tries to hurt you)

You accompany him when he has to walk Max home

Max does not mind it. You're always nice to her. You quickly befriend with the cute little ginger and take her to the arcade or play video games with her.

Once Billy gets his car you go on nightly car rides

He loves surfing, so he takes you to surf whenever he can. You have little competitions like "who can stay longer on the board?"

Or if you can't surf he will teach you.

Once you come out of the water he likes to walk around the beach, fingers intertwined, maybe get some ice cream or something. You guys would stay till ot gets dark.

Or sometimes even after that. Billy wound find a nice hidden spot where you can gaze up at the beautiful night sky as he holds you in his strong arms. And he has that smile on his face. You know it's a smile he only uses when it's just the two of you.

Like I said he is a show of and likes to drag you to parties so in return you drag him to demonstrations for women rights.

Billy loves listening to music and he loves you so listening to music with you is one of his favorite things to do.

You met his father and Susan when you ran over to his house to return his jacket.

Susan opens the door, asks who you are and when you tell her that you are Billy's girlfriend she immediately invites you in

She tells Max to inform Billy that you're here

Susan was cooking when you knocked so you ask if you can help her in anything till Billy comes.

"Oh aren't you sweet! Thank you, I would appreciate it!"

You and Susan are in deep conversation while you are cutting some vegetables when Billy walks in.

"Babe? What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I just brought back your jacket."

That's when Niel enter the kitchen too. He doesn't even says hello, he is just like: "who the hell is that?"

"I'm, uhm.. I'm Billy's girlfriend, sir."

Neil snorts and turns to his son "Your girlfriend?" Billy just nods so Susan takes the opportunity to speak up

"She is such a sweetheart, I didn't even know you had a girlfriend Billy."

"I guess I just didn't had a chance to talk about her"

Now his dad is looking at you "Does he take good care of you?"

"Yes sir, Billy is a wonderful boyfriend!"

"Pff are you talking about my son?"

And you're looking at him like wtf.

Later Billy tells you about his dad and how he treats him.

First your just so angry, because how can someone do that to their children?

But than you comfort your boyfriend. Tell him how he deserves the word and how you will always be there for him.

Moving to different cities

Billy is heartbroken when he learns you have to move.

But than his father announces that they will move to Hawkins and now he is hating every one.

You are devastated too, obviously. You just want to cry and be held by Billy but he is too busy being angry at the world.

You find him at your hiding spot on the beach, smoking.

"Billy, please don't be like this, this is hard for me too!"

He is too afraid of living without you, you're the only good thing in his life. And he doesn't want to lose you too.

"Baby I don't want this..." his voices is barely louder that a whisper, and you know he is fighting with his tears too.

"Me neither, Billy but... But we could figure out something?"

"What? We will be so freaking far away from each other!"

"Yes I know, but after high school we could still come back to Cali and live in a cute house by the ocean like how we planned"

"I... Yeah. Yes, you're right. But still, i don't know what will I do without you."

You sit next to him "We will talk. Every day on the phone. And I will write you."

The they you have to say goodbye is the worst. You are both crying. He doesn't want to let you go. You ran your fingers through his hair, one last time. He kisses you.

"Promise you won't forget me, Y/N. "

"I couldn't never!"

"Just promise."

"I promise, that I won't ever forget you Billy Hargrove."

[punkscowardschampions]

Amelia & Jac

Amelia: [okay so I'll put here what we said, for Jac's 18th Savannah sent her some flowers and Amelia binned them, obviously a big fight ensued and they haven't interacted from then in September to now which is nearly Christmas until Amelia sends her a christmas gift of the gay book with a portrait of Jac inside that'll just fall out when she picks it up and a chanel lipstick of some cute shade or other] Jac: [my vibe was if it was left on the step, leaving the book out there and taking the lipstick to send a message 'cos assumedly we'll walk past at some point as we live central] Amelia: [love that] Jac: If you were gonna take it upon yourself to decide I didn't want Savannah's gift, you should have also realised the same rule would apply to yourself Amelia: maybe Jac: No, you should have Jac: you wasted your money and time Amelia: I've got nothing else to do with either, so it hardly matters Jac: I'm not your distraction Jac: leave me alone Amelia: no, you're way more than that Amelia: but okay Jac: I don't have the energy for this Amelia: I didn't do this to force a conversation with you Jac: right Amelia: you're right, I shouldn't have got you anything Jac: you really shouldn't Jac: I don't want anything from you Amelia: alright, message received Jac: for fuck's sake Amelia: What do you want me to say? Amelia: it's been months, I miss you, I hate this Jac: You're about a lifetime too late for any of this Jac: things change Amelia: just go then Jac: Don't tell me what to do Jac: you haven't even apologized Amelia: because you're the only one who can tell me what I should or shouldn't do, okay then Jac: I declined your gift because I don't fucking want it Jac: that's my decision Jac: you can't force it on me Amelia: like it was my decision to get you one, even if you don't fucking want it Amelia: like it's my decision not to apologise when I'm not sorry Jac: it wasn't your decision to make Amelia: I know that Jac: She reached out to me Jac: and you ruined it Amelia: she didn't reach out, it was a cop out Jac: she remembered Jac: she didn't have to do anything Amelia: she didn't do anything Amelia: not even sign her name Amelia: fuck's sake,  and you're mad at ME for my lack of apology Jac: Yes she did, she sent my favourite flowers Jac: and yes I'm fucking mad at you, you don't even know what you started Amelia: at least hold her to the same standard Jac: No, because you aren't the same Jac: and this gift meant something to me, the gesture did Jac: and you couldn't stand that so you took it away Amelia: the false hope meant something to you Amelia: of course I can't stand that Jac: there's nothing false about it Jac: she was never here for my birthday before, not as my friend, she had no reason to remember, I'm blocked on anything that would tell her Amelia: because it's so hard to get around being blocked Jac: so, that would just prove she cared enough to look Jac: either way, that meant something Amelia: it doesn't mean she's coming back Amelia: or dumping her boyfriend Jac: it still means more to me than anything you could ever give or do Jac: so you deal with that Amelia: I can't Jac: You'll find my sympathy running a bit low Amelia: that's how I always find it Jac: I don't have the space in my head or my life to care about you Jac: alright, and I've never said different Amelia: yeah you have Jac: when? Jac: a million years ago when we were kids Jac: life's moved on from then Amelia: this year, things have happened that mean something, you've made space for me and cared about me Amelia: I don't need words, you lie whenever you speak anyway Amelia: and yeah, that's how long it's been, that's she's been gone and I've been here for you Amelia: you can't deal with that any better than you're telling me I have to Jac: I've only cared about myself Jac: that's facts Jac: you've been of some use and that's about as deep as it gets Jac: ask anyone, Amelia Amelia: No Jac: Yes Amelia: you love to make me look and feel crazy but I'm actually not Jac: because normal people throw other people's presents away Amelia: you know why I did Jac: and normal people let themselves be treated like this Jac: yeah, you're so right Amelia: there's a massive gap between normal and the levels of delusional you're trying to make me out to be right now Jac: I'm not trying to make you out to be anything Jac: I'm trying to get you to leave me alone, at best Amelia: and I've said I will Jac: then go Amelia: [does] Amelia: [gonna take this moment to tell you what the book is, We Are Okay by Nina LaCour it's obvs gay and YA again but we've lost the optimism of the previous Christmas because this one is about grief and loss and loneliness, basically this girl leaves her life behind without saying a word (again to go to college lol) after her grandad dies but then her friend who she's in love with and who I think is straight comes to visit her there so she gotta start dealing with all her shit, very apt Amelia well done. I think it does have a happy ending for said main character based on the title but not a fluffy one and she isn't getting with that friend I'm p sure] Amelia: [In clearer terms, this is a book about Marin, a girl who has lost her grandfather, and in doing so, pushed away her former best friend, Mabel. So when Mabel comes to town, Marin does not know what to do with the memories. Marin at once does not want Mabel here, regrets her being here, but also desperately wants Mabel to love her. She has walls up and she wants them down, but she is too terrified for them to ever come down. Marin has lost everything, including Mabel, her best friend and her maybe-something-more.  But it’s not a romance between Marin and Mabel. That is what is perhaps the saddest part. I once saw Nina LaCour talk live about this book, and she said something that perfectly sums up what is so arresting about this book: being queer and in love with your best friend is different than being straight and in love with your best friend. One is an experience in first love, and one is also that, but with an added experience of fear – not of rejection but of disgust. We do not want to hurt our best friends by loving them. We have learned to be ashamed of love and we carry that with us, through thick and through thin. BYE] Jac: [well, v on the nose, soz we won't be reading that hun and we didn't read the last one, so rude] Amelia: [maybe years from now bitch you will and you'll see what we were trying to give you] Jac: [perhaps but clearly not this one as it has essentially washed away lmao] Amelia: [something v poetic about a book about grief and loss and loneliness getting left on the step to disintegrate, when this is a film or netflix show I'll be v smug] Jac: [truly, the drama of it all] Jac: [setting it on fire is so last year, anyway, my thought is Amelia sees Jac and Jesse out somewhere but not out out like somewhere boring and every day which is confusing as it was to the fam 'cos she knows she's not talking or hanging out with them so she's like hmm] Amelia: [good idea but I don't know how I'm gonna be like oi what are you doing when it's none of your business hen LOL] Jac: [Jesse could talk to her 'cos we've established doesn't take a hint and it's like the most awkward] Amelia: [yeah because they are gonna be lowkey friends off and on even though she said they weren't after the vday thing last year so and maybe she asks about his gig he's meant to be doing or whatever cos he would've had to announce he ain't doing it on socials and everything like] Jac: [Jac just casually snapping at her like mind yo business Amelia] Amelia: [I'll pick the convo up after that fun little interaction then] Jac: [when you shoulda said nothing but it came out henny] Amelia: Don't talk to me like that Jac: Don't talk to my brother how's that Amelia: redundant Amelia: because I'll talk to him whenever I like as long as he's not the one upset about it Jac: Yeah, you've established you're a liar before now Amelia: No, we've established I have nothing to gain by keeping any promises to you Jac: and I give a fuck about what you wanna take from me Jac: you need to disappear, I don't want you in my life now, not even peripherally Amelia: I don't wanna take anything from you and I'm not Amelia: but disappearing isn't an option for a bit Jac: Contradict yourself immediately, it's really not a waste of my time Amelia: You're wasting your own time by continuing to have a go at me Amelia: when school's over we'll both be leaving, until then we're both stuck Jac: It wouldn't be a waste of time if you actually listened Amelia: likewise Jac: to what? Amelia: me obviously Jac: you have nothing I've ever wanted to hear Jac: and you're continuing to talk more bullshit now Jac: literally, mind your own business, it should not be hard Amelia: neither should getting your head around the concept that me talking to Jess isn't about you Jac: he isn't your friend Jac: he's my brother, I trump any kind of connection you had or wanna have for whatever sad reason Jac: so yeah, fuck off Amelia: if you want to make him choose, give him your bullshit ultimatum, I won't be Jac: No, you leave us alone Jac: it's like having a fucking stalker Jac: I am sick of the sight of you Amelia: I have left you alone like you asked Amelia: he's asked me to do no such thing Jac: You're pathetic Jac: get some friends of your own and you wouldn't have to cling on to someone being civil towards you Amelia: I've heard it all before Jac: then take the hint Jac: I'm so fed up of you and your moping Amelia: then take the 'advice' you're trying to give me and fuck off Jac: you see me coming, you should turn the other way Jac: I did not need to see you today, fuck's sake Amelia: yeah, I'll turn my desk around too, get back into detention, it has been a while Amelia: I wasn't looking for you, I don't want to see you either Jac: then it's in your best interest to run when you see Jesse coming then Jac: so glad you reached the logical conclusion, try to do it at the time next time, tah Amelia: bye then Jac: you're unbelievable Jac: you don't even feel remotely bad for what you've done Amelia: of course I fucking do Jac: bullshit Amelia: No it's not Amelia: but I'm not going to sit here and type out how and why I feel like shit when it means nothing Jac: you aren't sorry, you said, and you've not made any kind of attempt to actually make amends, not that you can now, it's too late Jac: it's all about how you feel and that you miss me and whatever else Jac: you don't care what I've been through Amelia: I'm not sorry for 🗑💐 but I'm sorry for hurting you Amelia: and that this means I'm not there now for whatever is happening Amelia: like you said, it's too late now Amelia: and like you also said, even if I was there, it's not good enough anyway so Jac: because this isn't some soppy book you read Jac: you aren't gonna save me and it'll all be happily ever afters Jac: this is real life and it's so much bigger than all this Jac: shit that you care about Amelia: yeah, it's my real life too Jac: none of this is real Jac: you're putting off getting one by kidding yourself that this will ever happen Amelia: it is to me Jac: just wait Jac: you'll find out soon enough Jac: this is nothing, all of it Amelia: maybe to you Jac: no fucking maybe Jac: you're a child, your problems are childish Jac: that's factual and I can't pretend to entertain it now Amelia: then don't Amelia: my problems aren't the same as yours because I'm not you any more than I could be Savannah fucking Moore, but guess what, it's not a competition Jac: they're non-existent Amelia: No, they exist, same as I do Amelia: but you don't have to bother about them or me Jac: Get over yourself, Amelia Jac: people have real shit going on, real stuff to deal with Jac: and you want anyone to care about your self-inflicted, whiney, entitled bullshit Jac: for what? 'cos you're an AMAZING friend, yeah, you don't use everything to your advantage or make it all about you Amelia: not really, I want you get away from me like you keep saying you want Jac: I didn't send you a present, loser Amelia: I didn't start a conversation about it Amelia: or keep this one going Jac: because you should feel fucking bad about what you did and you don't Jac: not even an eighth of what I do Amelia: I do feel bad, what do you want me to do to prove it, kill myself? For fuck's sake Jac: yeah good idea Amelia: nothing is good enough for you Amelia: you'd even twist that into something it isn't Jac: fucking try it Jac: I don't want you around Amelia: okay Jac: my life is ruined Jac: you don't get to be okay, you don't get to care about your pathetic crush Amelia: you don't get to tell me what to do or how to feel because your life is ruined Jac: Yes I do Amelia: No you don't Jac: really 'cos you've been pretty easy to manipulate this far Jac: don't act as if you've had say in anything Jac: that's about the only use you have had Amelia: well it's over, all of it Jac: call it like it hasn't been for months on my say so Jac: what is the point of you being alive, actually Amelia: I don't know Amelia: my parents, I guess Jac: good luck with getting that to last then Amelia: 🤞🍀🌠 Jac: give you 'til your late 20s before that stops being enough Amelia: it already isn't Jac: like I said, find some real trauma like the rest of us Jac: gives you something to cling to Amelia: or more to collapse under the weight of Jac: you don't even want to survive Amelia: and what? Jac: and that's the fundamental reason Savannah is better than you Jac: and I am too Jac: all I have is the shit behind me to drive me forwards Jac: and your ideal is to wallow in it Amelia: you've got a million reasons why, I don't care how they're numbered, to be honest Jac: you deserve the nothing you're left with and the nothingness that's coming Amelia: that's worked out perfectly then Jac: I swear to God you're lucky he was there Jac: any other day Amelia: yeah Amelia: you know what lessons to find me in Jac: I'm taking time off Jac: so you can have them Amelia: I really am lucky Amelia: maybe it'll make me care about 20 years in the future, like you do, or 5 or 1 Amelia: drive me forwards too Jac: unlikely Amelia: right now it is Amelia: I'm just trying to get through this conversation Jac: Jesus Amelia: my 🤔💭 exactly Jac: you clueless bitch Amelia: what am I supposed to be clued into? Amelia: we haven't spoken for ages Jac: and that's hardly a mystery Amelia: slag me off as much as you like, I don't know what's going on Jac: didn't inherit that off your mum then Amelia: clearly not Jac: yeah well when she finds out somehow you can hear all about it Amelia: finds out what? Jac: now you're gonna ask how I am Amelia: if you were in the hospital again or something that's more important than any of this bullshit Amelia: please just tell me Jac: no, because you did a grand gesture I didn't ask for so now I'm really all good Amelia: a Christmas present isn't a grand gesture Amelia: or what matters Jac: yeah, no shit it isn't Amelia: can you just Jac: what, tell you what's wrong with me? Jac: will that make you feel better Amelia: No Jac: yeah, that makes it almost seem worth it Amelia: forget it Amelia: I'll find out when everyone else does or I won't Jac: yeah Jac: your fake concern for 2 seconds was really comforting Amelia: nothing about this is fake for me Amelia: I don't know how many more times or ways I can make that fucking obvious Jac: you're all talk Jac: I expect nothing more or less from you at this point Amelia: because talking is all I can do Amelia: you won't take a 🎁 I'm not risking an actual gesture Jac: yeah, I heard Jac: nothing in it for you Amelia: okay, tell me I'm wrong Amelia: tell me there is Jac: no Amelia: say something Amelia: give me literally anything Jac: how many times can you be told it's not about you before you get it Jac: it's not about caring because I throw you false hope Jac: we were friends, once Amelia: which is exactly why I want you to tell me what it's really about Amelia: I care about you, I fucking love you Amelia: and something bad has happened Jac: depends on your point of view Amelia: put all of this bullshit between us aside and talk to me Amelia: you said it, we were friends Jac: I don't know if I actually want to hurt you this bad Jac: call me stupid Amelia: it's not about me, remember? Jac: still Jac: it's Amelia: you aren't going to talk to anyone else Jac: Jesse knows Jac: and my parents Amelia: that doesn't mean they know how you feel, just what's happened Jac: you won't be able to know either Jac: it isn't gay Amelia: this can still be one of those times where you say things to me that you don't to anyone else, if you want Amelia: if it'll help you Jac: Nothing will help me Jac: but I don't care Jac: I've got a baby Amelia: what? Jac: a dead one now Amelia: oh Jac: yep Amelia: when? Jac: it's why Jesse cancelled his gig Amelia: of course Amelia: that makes sense Jac: so now you know Amelia: yeah Jac: so yeah, there's nothing to be said or done and that's seriously it Amelia: okay, well I'm here if that ever changes Amelia: my mum's never gotten over it but I know talking helped her Jac: talking isn't going to assuage the guilt of creating and destroying life Jac: maybe I'll go pray but I doubt that does either Amelia: I don't know Amelia: there must be a reason therapy is so popular, you're the wannabe psychologist Jac: hope Jac: I'm not interested Amelia: alright, no talking Amelia: do you want to go out? Jac: and bleed over the four pairs of tights I'd have to wear to stop it running straight down my legs? Amelia: a no would be a perfectly acceptable answer Jac: yeah, it's perfectly acceptable to bother a therapist about it so you never mention it to anyone else Amelia: you're not going to mention it anyway, you've said as much Jac: that has nothing to do with your sensibilities Jac: if I wanted to, I could go into horrific detail Amelia: yeah, you could Amelia: you could also bleed all over my car if you wanted to Jac: Yeah right Jac: your entire street is curtain twitchers Amelia: we won't be hanging out on my street Jac: there's nowhere I could go that'll make me forget either Amelia: you've been stuck inside for days with your family, it's hardly a grand gesture to suggest taking you literally anywhere else Amelia: but okay Jac: Jess won't let me go anyway Jac: last time I said I'd hang out with you and he believed it I fucked your girlfriend so Amelia: you kissed her Jac: oh yeah Jac: same difference Amelia: no Amelia: there's quite a big difference Jac: maybe I told him I did then Jac: I don't remember Amelia: probably Jac: the outcome was the same is the point Amelia: the point is, Jess won't let you go Amelia: I got that Jac: I had to have someone come with Amelia: yeah Jac: not about to ask the poor sod who did it Amelia: have you told him though? Jac: yeah Jac: fucking embarrassing Amelia: I assume you're less likely to accidentally run into him than you are me Jac: I think I got points for dealing with it and being cool anyway Jac: go me Amelia: great Jac: it don't matter Jac: only would have if he'd kicked up a fuss Jac: but he didn't seem the sort and that's one less thing for me to feel guilty about so fuck it Amelia: does Darla know? Jac: I told her false alarm Jac: had to ask her about him so Amelia: then why do you think everyone's going to find out? Jac: people somehow always do Jac: I don't care anymore, not now Amelia: if my mum hasn't heard, it's unlikely Amelia: she knew about your alcohol poisoning immediately Jac: beneath her to have connections with an abortion clinic Amelia: she's not god squad Jac: close enough Amelia: my aunt had one after having Olivia, there was something wrong with the baby apparently Amelia: my mum wasn't protesting outside Jac: that's different then Jac: you have a reason, people can repeat that to themselves until they forget about it Amelia: you had a reason too Amelia: everyone does Jac: no, I had an excuse Amelia: you had a reason Jac: no, I didn't Amelia: yeah, you did Amelia: and if anyone else did it for the same reason you wouldn't call it an excuse Jac: Yes I would Amelia: you hate yourself, before this, after this and because of this Amelia: stop Jac: I didn't need to get pregnant, I did and then I killed it Jac: anyone who did that, I'd think exactly the same Amelia: you didn't mean to Amelia: and if you're going to punish yourself this hard for every mistake you ever make then you're going to last even less time than you think I will Jac: You don't act like that not not mean to Jac: all I need to do is live this year then I'll be doing what I actually want Amelia: and that's enough of a reason, don't you get that Jac: enough of a reason for what Amelia: you can't just have a baby you don't want Amelia: it's not like fucking lads you don't care about Jac: no one made me do any of it Jac: so it's not a reason Jac: it's stepping away from any responsibility Amelia: you made you Amelia: and you'd be a shit mum Jac: no, that's bullshit Jac: you tell yourself what you like about it but I know what I did Amelia: tell me you enjoyed it, any of the times Jac: it's sex Jac: that's one of but not the only point Amelia: say it then Amelia: what your point is Jac: Why am I repeating myself? Jac: I know what I did Jac: you aren't going to convince me otherwise Amelia: Why are you doing it? Jac: Well I can't anymore, actually Jac: 2 weeks minimum Amelia: but why have you ever? Jac: because I want to Amelia: you want Savannah Amelia: it hasn't helped you forget that, it won't Jac: neither do you but you didn't tell me not to do that Jac: I can still want to fuck guys Jac: end of Amelia: fine, I'll say it now Jac: yeah Amelia: I can't do this any more Jac: we aren't Amelia: we've said that before, it has to be different this time Jac: whatever Jac: you expect me to make promises to you? Jac: I don't fucking care, Amelia Jac: you deal with it, it's not my problem Amelia: okay Jac: Christ sake Amelia: What? Jac: Never mind, right, off you go Amelia: I'm not going Jac: 🙄 Amelia: you don't care, I heard you before Jac: you want it to be different this time Jac: do something about it Amelia: I'm not having sex with you, that's what I'm doing differently Jac: what's the point in that Jac: doing all the other shit, there's barely any difference Amelia: because I shouldn't have ever but I can't take any of it back Jac: we don't need to be friends either Amelia: we're not Jac: then leave Jac: why half-arse it, that's my point Amelia: I can't leave Jac: just the situation Jac: you don't actually need to kill yourself Amelia: no, I can't leave you Jac: don't be daft Amelia: I'm not repeating myself either Jac: please yourself Amelia: fuck you Jac: you'll be a long time waiting for a thank you Jac: I didn't ask for this Amelia: neither did I Jac: you have a choice Amelia: yeah, and I've made it Jac: and what? Jac: what would you like me to say? Amelia: don't say anything Amelia: I'd honestly love that Jac: yeah, I bet Amelia: the back and forth between utter lies and bullshit and brutal fucking honesty is worse than just the gaslighting Jac: then go away Jac: you're doing this to you Jac: I don't want you here Amelia: you're doing it to me Jac: no, I'm not Amelia: you are Jac: I'm literally telling you to go Amelia: you're always telling me to go Amelia: it's been over a year Jac: your lack of resolve is not my fault Amelia: if you really don't want me here, do something about it Jac: No, because I'm not crying about it Jac: if you feel so gaslit, fuck off Jac: don't reply, don't engage Jac: I don't owe you anything Amelia: you're literally complaining about it Jac: because you're crying wolf Jac: I can and will do what I want, that's how it's always been Amelia: It's no different for me, I've always done what I want too Jac: no, you're being horribly manipulated and used Jac: poor little Amelia Amelia: you fucking said it as a brag earlier Amelia: how easy it is Jac: so why are you repeating it back to me, like I don't know? Jac: you're waiting for me to deny it, or apologize and say it's not true and I care SO much Jac: get real Amelia: I'm waiting for you to stop Amelia: actually do anything you say you're going to Jac: why? Jac: why are you expecting me to act like I'm fine when I'm not Jac: keep making the same wrong call and act surprised when I do what feels right Jac: for fuck's sake, Amelia Amelia: I don't know Amelia: maybe because I'm not fine either but I don't treat you like this Jac: maybe 'cos you've got no willpower Jac: maybe 'cos struggling is a competition and I'm winning Amelia: maybe Jac: 🤔💭 on that Amelia: obviously Jac: fun never stops Jac: enjoy, like Amelia: 🎢 🎠🎪 Jac: 'tis the season Amelia: Merry Christmas 🎄🎅⛄ Jac: great Amelia: yeah Jac: make you feel better that? Amelia: 1. you literally don't care 2. neither do I Jac: I'm literally still bleeding from having my baby chemically expelled and you don't get any joy out of wishing me a Merry Christmas? Jac: what is the fucking point, if you're gonna be a cunt, commit to it Amelia: there's no point to any of this, we both get that Jac: nah, it actually makes me feel better to make you feel worse Jac: that's the point Jac: I have loads of them Jac: it's you who has zero idea what the fuck she's doing Jac: as per Amelia: oh well in that case, carry on Jac: if you hadn't worked that out by now, there is no hope for you Amelia: there's no hope for me anyway, as you've said repeatedly Jac: you seem pretty resigned to this whole victim thing you've got going on Jac: it's a fair observation Amelia: I'm sure it is Jac: yep, that's right, curl up into a ball 'til it's over Jac: fuck this Amelia: until what's over? Jac: the attack, whatever you wanna call it Amelia: I don't want to call it anything, I don't want to do this Amelia: you're the one who's getting something out of it, unless that's another lie Jac: then don't Jac: why the fuck are you still here? Amelia: because I can't fucking leave when you're in the middle of an abortion Amelia: for fuck's sake Jac: the good friend points are not being counted any more Amelia: I don't care Amelia: if this is all I can do, over nothing, then so be it Jac: you're gonna let yourself be a punching bag Jac: seriously Amelia: why not? Amelia: it's not like it's the first time, or that I haven't for things that matter less Amelia: and it's too late to change any of that Jac: because I want you to stop Jac: to fight back Jac: to not do this shit anymore Amelia: I'm not fighting you right now, even if I had the strength to ever Jac: it's like Jac: you don't understand how dangerous it is Jac: what if this was someone else Jac: do you wanna end up like that, getting knocked about and taken advantage of Amelia: I don't give a fuck about the future, remember? Jac: well stop it Amelia: no Jac: stop Amelia: no Jac: fine Jac: I'll go Amelia: okay, go

[caranfindel]

Recap/review 14.06: “Optimism”

THEN: Starts out pretty ominous, with clock-ticky music, Jack's grace getting sucked out, "this is the end of everything," and Jack considering himself useless. We're reminded that New Charlie exists (aw, Dean looked so pretty in AU Land) and Jack has "the mind of a hunter." Michael hurting people and Dean feels guilty (aw, Sam's Beard of Despair, how I miss you). Sounds like we're in for a real downer of an episode, friends.

NOW: Nebraska. Happy music. A cheerful librarian opens up shop, and she's cute as can be but I wore that blouse in the 80s and it needs to stay there (JUST SAY NO TO THE RUFFLED YOKE, LADIES). Her name is Harper, and she has a kind-of-date with a guy named Winston tonight, though she is clearly Not Into You, Winston. An (apparent) coworker named Miles hears her "scream" and comes to her aid, brandishing a stapler, and is reminded that he needs to mind his own business. Winston leaves, clearly walking on air, and then STAYIN' ALIVE STARTS PLAYING and we focus on Winston's feet just like the iconic opening scene of Saturday Night Fever (if you're too young to remember, watch this, IT'S IMPORTANT CULTURAL KNOWLEDGE and there WILL BE A QUIZ LATER) and y'all don't even know how much I love this song. YOU DON'T KNOW. I can't help it. My mom was a huge Bee Gees fan, partially because she was very into Barry Gibb.

Coincidence?

What can I say? I am my mother's child.

Now, where were we?

(Pretty much where we always are, so could you please just move this along?)

Sorry for the digression. Anyway. Now I suspect this isn't going to be a downer episode after all. (Turns out it was directed by Richard Speight, which would have been a clue if I'd known that earlier, bless him.) While I've been digressing, Winston has happily bopped down the street, only to have a hand cover his mouth and drag him off-screen. There's a record scratch and a squirt of dark goo and a scream, so I guess it did turn out to be a downer for Winston, but not for me.

Title card!

{Sidebar: I didn't realize Saturday Night Fever was directed by John Badham, who went on to direct several episodes of Supernatural.}

Jack's drinking coffee in the bunker. He takes a sip and then pours a huge amount of sugar into it, which immediately makes me think of this scene from The Fly when Jeff Goldblum, who does not yet realize that he is turning into a fly, does the same thing.

(Spoiler alert: Ahem.)

Dean walks in and asks what he's doing, and Jack explains that everything tastes different without his powers, and he can't get the coffee to taste the way he likes it. That's because coffee is nasty, Jack. (And also, thanks to the Continuity Fairy for remembering that food tasted different to Cas when he didn't have grace.) Dean asks if Jack has seen Sam, because that's what Dean does; he probably walked in the door and felt a disturbance in the Force and realized he didn't know where Sam was. From Jack, we learn that (1) Dean went on an overnight run to Mobby's love shack cabin and (b) Sam went on a hunt with Charlie without telling Dean. Is Dean okay with this? Are we gonna okay with this? Couldn't he have at least sent a text message? He's supposed to be setting an example!

"Explain to me again how you just let Sam LEAVE."

I guess Sam had to go himself, rather than send someone else, because this is one of those times when there's no random hunters in the bunker. (And where's Rowena? Did Charlie abandon her in the Southwest? Did they have a fight?) Jack imagines Sam and Charlie are doing something "really exciting."

Cut to Sam and Charlie sitting quietly in a truck outside Memphis, bored out of their minds. Hee! It's the kind of crappy old truck I always want Sam to drive, so I love it. They're staring at a bus stop with an ad for Pete the Pestinator, who seems to be an insect exterminator. (Spoiler alert: ahem again.) Sam confirms that "this is where all those people went missing," although if he's been sitting in that truck long enough to be bored, he really should have nailed that down by now. Charlie says "yep." More silent sitting.

Back to the bunker. Dean seems surprised that Sam left Jack there alone (where's Cas?) and Jack says "Sam wanted someone around when you came back. He's worried about you."

"Yeah, that sounds like him," Dean grumbles, and hello, kettle, the pot just called, and said you're black. Jack offers some encouragement, telling him no one blames him for Michael, and Dean says "Cool. Well, I blame me, so." His self-flagellation is interrupted by Jack's Cough of Great Concern. "Maybe I'm allergic to sitting around doing nothing," Jack snarks.

Dean sits down for a heart-to-heart, and Jack says he's been hunting with Cas and wants to do more. Dean says "No offense, Cas is an insurance policy on those hunts." Jack looks hurt. I don't understand this at all. Why wouldn't Jack already know that Cas is there to protect him? And why would this hurt his feelings? I'm so confused. But I immediately forget it, because Dean says "Sam's just trying to keep you safe, okay? He's a smart guy." AND THEN WE CUT TO THIS.

Bless you, Richard Speight, writer Steve Yockey, bless you both.

I literally did burst out laughing at Sam and his fidget spinner. Charlie is not amused, and Sam puts his toy away with some embarrassment.

Bunker. Jack's found a report on our dead friend Winston, who seemed to have human bitemarks taken out of his corpse. And others have gone missing in the area. We skip part of a conversation, but whatever it was, Dean says Sam won't like it. "Sam's not here," says Jack. Oh, no you don't, Jack. Don't you go ignoring the Chief's directives just because he's not here. Dean says he'll go check it out alone, but Jack suddenly remembers Sam's Law and reminds Dean about the Buddy System.

We can be hunting buddies!

Okay, uh, (a), don't call it that, and (b), YOU'RE gonna back ME up?

Oh, Dean. You didn't do the (1) and (b) thing that I love so much. Jack gets to be the one to bare a little bit of his soul now, telling Dean that he also feels guilty about Michael, because he could have killed him but he was "distracted and stupid." He doesn't want to sit around feeling guilty all day, he wants to hunt.

Looks like that was the right button to push, because we cut to Sam on the phone, clearly not a fan of the plan and telling Dean to be careful. I assume his reluctance is because he doesn't trust Jack to watch Dean's back. But Sam, if you can trust Maggie to hunt alone, you can trust Dean with a novice backup. (I know, I know, Dean is more important than Maggie.)

Sam asks again if Charlie is sure this is the right place, and she says it's where four people disappeared. And while she was scouting around, she found a mason jar full of goo. Is this the same goo we saw when Winston was killed? (Spoiler alert: no.) And now she's trying to figure out what they're hunting, so she's reading. I'd have done my reading before the stakeout, but that's just me. (I'd also have done some reading instead of sitting there glaring at Sam while he enjoyed his fidget spinner, but that's also just me.)

(I also might have thought of more interesting things to do while I was stuck in a car with Sam, but they would have interfered with the stakeout. And they aren't anything Charlie would have been interested in anyway.)

Cut to Dick's Red Rooster Diner (ha ha, I see you, Speight). According to Winston's obituary, he had breakfast here every morning. Jack agrees with me that it's an odd thing to put in an obituary, but Dean says that when someone dies young, you don't know what to put in those things. (Oh, think of 20-something Dean's obituary.) He introduces them to the waitress as Agents Berry and Charles, and the only thing I can think of is Chuck Berry, so if someone has a better idea, let me know. He asks for details about Winston, and the only detail she can provide is that he's dead. Jack dutifully writes that detail in his little notebook. (BLESS.)

This waitress is wonderfully snippy, knows her rights, and isn't the least bit interested in talking to these FBI agents, but when Dean hands her some cash she changes her mind. She says they should should be more interested in Harper, who Winston just started "courting," and Jack is confused.

What's courting?

It's what you do before you start dating.

Ah, and that's the thing you do before the sex.

Sometimes you just have the sex.

Okay, Dean's wrong, courting is what you do instead of dating, but this is still a wonderful exchange. And the next part is wonderful too, cutting between the waitress and some customers explaining that Harper was popular in high school, but her boyfriend ran off, and now all these men connected to her have died, and she's really into romance books, and ending on I've heard too much Dean and I'm confused Jack.

Love this.

Back at the stakeout, Sam's biting his nails, which I also love for some reason, and of course the only time we've ever seen him bite his nails was when he was worried about Dean. New Charlie picks right up on it. She tells him Dean will be fine, and comments that he's got other friends, right? Which I don't understand, because it doesn't matter what other friends he has, he's not hunting with them. He's hunting with Jack. "He used to have a pretty damn good wingman," Sam says, and I think no, Sam, what are you saying, he still has you. She says he should call "that guy" to check on him, and Sam says "that guy was you." Charlie gives him a look. "No, it wasn't." And she's right, Sam. SHE IS NOT YOUR CHARLIE. And also, was Charlie ever really Dean's wingman? I don't think so. Sam, of course. Cas, literal wingman. But not Charlie. Charlie was the little sister.

Sam apologizes, and then says "I'm just saying, I'm not surprised you survived the apocalypse." Which isn't what you were saying at all, Sam. Charlie is surprised she survived, because she was just a programmer at Richard Roman Enterprises (Dick Roman! I wonder what happened to your AU version), living with the love of her life, Cara. My heart skipped a beat because I was so ready, guys, for the love of Charlie's life to be Dr. Cara Roberts from Sex and Violence, but apparently not. {Sidebar fic prompt: Sam. Charlie. Dr. Cara. Three-way.) Charlie's Cara was a baker. Charlie tells a sad story about waiting for help that never came, and Cara eventually being killed by people, not angels. Society falls apart. (Or, as Dean once said, demons I get; people are crazy.) Sam insists society isn't falling apart here, and Charlie says "not yet."

Just like last week, we're getting some needed differentiation between the characters we lost and their AU counterparts, which I appreciate.

I also appreciate pretty, attentive, sympathetic Sam.

Diner. Dean calls Jack "Mighty Mouse," for some reason, and congratulations him on finding a case. He tries to teach him about the importance of pie, but Jack's more interested in courting. He's never been exposed to off-screen romance, unless Gabriel and Rowena counts (Dean assures him it doesn't, but how would Jack have been exposed to Gabriel/Rowena anyway, since it happened while he was in AU Land and Gabriel didn't make it back?) Dean promises he'll give him The Talk when they get back, but right now they need to concentrate on finding Harper. {Sidebar fic prompt: Dean's and Sam's versions of The Talk. Would Dean's be like Dean's speech from Rock and a Hard Place?} Jack speculates she might not be human, and Dean says they're going to find out, and it's going to work like a romance novel. Hmm!

Cut to the library, where Harper is working. Dean enters and identifies himself as FBI, with questions about Winston. She doesn't want to talk, and he pushes. Then Jack shows up, asking for a book about the area's history, and defends her against the big mean FBI guy. Dean says "why don't you back off, kid" and Jack responds "No, you back off, old man" and DEAN'S FACE. This was clearly NOT IN THE SCRIPT. I love it. Dean slinks off, dejected, to examine his gracefully-aging face in the rear-view mirror. {Sidebar: I honestly think Jensen is aging a lot better than Dean is. Dean looks tired a lot of the time, and I'd like to believe Show is doing that on purpose, but I don't think it's the case. Jensen always looks awesome.} Harper is delighted, and apparently smitten, judging by the music. Jack introduces himself as "Jack Smith" and she invites him to her apartment, where she has the perfect book.

Why does this library have those convenience store perp measurements at the door? Does it get robbed a lot? Also, how many episodes have signs in the background with the title of a different episode? Not very many, I'm guessing.

As they leave, Miles the Stapler Guy follows and asks where she's going. It must be close to closing time, because Harper says she'll come back and lock up. Miles, who's carrying a bag of trash, refuses to shake Jack's hand. As Jack and Harper go one way, he stomps off in the other direction. I'm suspicious, and so is Dean, who gets out of the car to follow him. As Miles puts the library's trash in an inappropriately small residential bin, he hears a noise. We then cut to Dean, who hears Miles scream but just keeps walking? But then a trash can is knocked over and that gets his attention. He finds Miles dead, and we get a monster POV shot watching him.

Stakeout. Charlie's still reading. Apparently she brought all the books. She says she hates hunting, which surprises Sam, because she's so good at it. She points out that she's good at it because the alternative was death. "I mean, no offense, but who wants to be a hunter? This job, just a lot of tears and death."

Sam says "you said something like that to me once, long ago, about hunting." He quickly apologizes for once again conflating her with Our Charlie. At first I was annoyed at him, but then I started thinking about how awful Our Charlie's death was for him, with the MoC, and the fear, and the worry, and the guilt, and his brother saying he should be the one on the funeral pyre instead, and you know what? I'm gonna cut him some slack for trying to forget all of that ever happened. A lot of slack, in fact.

Charlie casually drops that she's glad this is her last hunt. Did you give the Chief your two week's notice, Charlie? I DON'T THINK SO. She plans to get away from monsters and people, and "live on a mountaintop or something... as long as there's good wifi." I'm sure Sam can get you set up with his magical wifi, Charlie, if you stay on his good side.

Harper's apartment. She seems to be all about love, with a decorative "amore" sign in the kitchen and a big red heart hanging on the wall. She suddenly realizes it's weird that she brought him to her apartment, though she's thinking "putting the moves on you" weird and I'm thinking "inviting a potential serial killer into your home" weird. But maybe I listen to too much My Favorite Murder.

She leaves the room to get the book (odd that it's not on the stuffed bookshelves in her living room, but they're all full of romance novels). Jack asks why the FBI was "hassling" her, and she tells him about Winston's death as he surreptitiously puts a silver coin on the floor and splashes holy water all over his hands. A call comes from Dean, but he ignores it. When she comes back with the book, she notices the coin on the floor and picks it up. She touches his hand when she gives him the coin and notices that it's wet. I would have put the holy water on the coin, although a wet coin on the floor might be as weird as wet hands. He just laughs weirdly and then does a fake cough AND SAYS CHRISTO. SOMEONE FINALLY REMEMBERED CHRISTO. Oh, my heart. I've been waiting 13 years for this moment. She doesn't react to it, so she seems pretty human. He says he's nervous, so she sits on the couch and pats the seat next to her.

Stakeout. Charlie has found something in the books called a Musca. Sam already knows it's a man-fly hybrid (IT'S THE FLY; OUR MONSTER IS JEFF GOLDBLUM) and that no one's seen them, so if they do exist, they keep to themselves. She's impressed with his Sammy smarts. He says he's read all the books, but if he'd read this one, he'd know that every few hundred years a male Musca can't find a mate and he "abandons his community and starts using people's bodies to nest, binding them together with a viscous goo." Ew.

As they walk, in the background we see a figure approaching the two women who are sitting on the bus stop bench. It's clothed in black, carrying a black briefcase, and it has a giant head. At first I think it's literally a giant fly's head. But when Charlie notices it, we get a closer look, and it's a large black hood, like a beekeeper's outfit. It sits down and then casually scoots closer to the women, who scoot away, and it's hilarious.

Harper's apartment. She asks Jack where he's from, and he tells her he lives in Lebanon, Kansas. NO, JACK. DON'T TELL ANYONE WHERE YOU LIVE. Jack coughs some more and then notices a picture of Harper with her boyfriend, Vance. She says he left town after high school because he wanted to see the world, and Jack seems astonished that anyone would leave her. And that was when her bad luck started, but she tries to stay optimistic. "Me too," Jack says. "I had some not-so-great stuff happen in my past. Trying to be positive... it can be hard." Oh, Jack, sweetie. They gaze into each other's eyes and it looks like they're going to kiss. Jack's phone buzzes with a text from Dean that says CALL ME NOW.

Jack? Do you believe in love at first sight?

Do you... (music swells)... mind if I use the bathroom?

Ha!

Jack hides in the bathroom to call Dean. He tells him Harper isn't a monster, and he thinks she's in love with him. Although Dean's sure that's not the case, Jack says "but if she is, I need to know everything about sex. Go." Ha again! Dean tells him about Miles's death, which makes Jack wonder if she's cursed. Dean says it's more like all the guys around her are cursed. "Like me," Jack ponders, just before we get another monster POV shot and a strangled shout from Dean. The phone goes dead.

Jack comes back into the living room and Harper asks if he's okay and if he wants to go for coffee. Then the door bursts open and Dean comes in, and I wonder why she's freaking out until I remember that Dean is Bad FBI Guy to her. He quickly blocks the door and tell her they're here to save her from... whatever it is that's suddenly growling and banging on her door. "At first I thought it was a ghost," he says, "but then it punched me in the face." She's freaked out about a ghost, but Jack reassuringly (NOT!) tells her that he's saying it's NOT a ghost. Dean recognizes a photo and it turns out the monster is her old boyfriend Vance, who she didn't even realize was dead.

For some reason Dean isn't carrying a lot of weapons, but he has a silver knife and finds a silver letter opener on Harper's desk. Silver will slow it down, he tells them, but there's only one way to kill the undead boyfriend. Vance breaks the door down before we learn what that is. Dean starts fighting with the silver knife and tells Jack to get Harper out of there.

Stakeout. It's nighttime now. A lone man sits at the bus stop as Sam tries to convince Charlie that she can't drop out of society. She needs people, and also, it's hard to walk away from being a hunter. "I tried. Our Charlie tried." You know, for someone who did want out of hunting, and did try to get out of it, Sam spends a lot of time convincing others to do it, or at least enabling them. I mean, Dean was all "Patience, if you can live a normal life, do it," and Sam was all "well, Claire, if you're gonna hunt, I guess I should show you how to hack." Although that (and teaching Ghoul!Adam to shoot) was more about protecting someone determined/forced to be a hunter than recruiting. So maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Anyway, if anyone recognized the futility of getting out of the life, it would be him.

Jeff Goldblum shows up again and sits by his next victim. Charlie wants to go for the kill, but Sam thinks they should wait for him to make his move, in case he's just into weird fashion. Look, Sam, if a guy likes wearing a black beekeeper's bonnet and sidling up to random strangers at bus stops, he deserves to be hunted, whether or not he's actually part bee. When the bus shows up, it blocks their view of the duo. When it leaves, the bench is empty. Which could mean they just got on the bus, but we see something disappearing behind the stop. Sam decides it's a go after all.

Let's stick with this story, rather than cutting back and forth between them like the show did.

Sam and Charlie find a door with a bunch of goo on the handle. Sam says Charlie found something in the books that theorized a brass nail dripped in sugar water would kill a musca. Because yes, of course sugar water, WHICH FLIES EAT, would kill a fly man. (Rolls my eyes at this otherwise delightful episode.) Charlie reminds him they have neither of those things. "So we get creative," Sam says. I'm expecting some kind of MacGuyvering involving a can of Coke, or Sam's sugary coffee. (Spoiler alert: I'm wrong.)

{Sidebar: Why are all the methods of killing monsters so weirdly specific? Chopping off the head should kill ANYTHING.}

They go through the door, which surprisingly leads them into an abandoned warehouse. It's full of flies (normal ones, not half-man flies) and smells like pine cleaner and rotting meat. Yum. Eventually Sam finds the briefcase, which is full of what looks like candy wrappers and also has a white cloth, which he sniffs to discover chloroform. Dude. Don't sniff the chloroform rag. Charlie finds the most recent victim, still alive, by a pile of bodies. Something grabs Charlie's hand. She pulls loose, but falls off a low platform (seriously, it's like two feet high) and... loses consciousness? Okay. Maybe he chloroformed her and I missed it. I'm old and decrepit and this would have barely bruised me. He must have chloroformed her.

Sam tries to wake her up, but is interrupted by the WORST MONSTER COSTUME EVER. Oh god, you guys, this fly man head is so bad. SO BAD.

{Sidebar: Did you know that you don't see much of the shark in Jaws because the model was so bad, Steven Spielberg decided he wanted to shoot it as little as possible? And it actually made the movie better because the unseen monster was so much scarier? Just saying, Speight.}

(Um, have you watched any movies that were made before 1980?)

Well, that was uncalled for.

Jeff Goldblum attacks Sam and gets goo on him, and if this were really a fly, wouldn't that goo be digesting him? Isn't that how flies eat? (Why yes, it is.) Charlie regains consciousness and stabs it with something, which gets it off Sam long enough for him to shoot it in the head. Creativity in action! So, I guess I got my wish. Interesting that, just like last week, the guys figured out that there are actions that will kill anything.

Aftermath! Charlie and Sam are driving, and Sam says he feels bad for the Musca, which could have been happy if it had stayed home with its people. Subtle, Sam. Charlie's all, yeah, okay, I'm like the bug, except not so much. As we see the Musca family coming to retrieve their brother's body, Sam asks Charlie not to leave. "If we help people, then maybe they'll help people, and all that, and that's worth it. Even with all the tears and death, it's worth it." Oh, Sammy. {sniff} She says she'll think about it.

Back to Jack and Harper. It was broad daylight when they got to her apartment, so I don't know why it's nighttime now. How long did he spend in the bathroom? No wonder she asked if he was okay. Cut to Dean gleefully fighting the zombie, who suddenly stops fighting and runs off.

Jack and Harper run to the library, where she struggles with the keys until Jack remembers she left without locking the door. They scurry inside and he locks it. As they hide behind the counter, they see Zombie Vance run by. Jack tells her not to worry, because he locked the door, and she asks if he flipped the switch under the lock? Obviously he didn't, and she goes to do it herself. As she stands, looking out the door, Vance shows up. She unlocks the door, which Jack obviously DID lock, and opens it. He hands her the history book - I guess Jack dropped it - and they kiss.

Um. whoops. Vance is actually still Harper's boyfriend. And he has to eat human flesh. Like, Jack's, for example. Vance lunges for Jack, who hides in the stacks as Harper gives him the villain dialogue over the library's PA system. She likes Jack, but he's obviously a hunter, and she comes from a long line of necromancers, so it would never work out between them. She killed Vance to keep him from leaving after high school, and killing every other guy in her sights is just a fun little romantic roleplay for them. We get a little scare when a hand appears on Jack's shoulder (been a lot of that going around lately), but it's Dean. He tells Jack they have to get Vance back into his grave and then drive a stake into his heart to keep him there. And they're going to convince him using another romance novel method.

Jack tells her he wants to do things Vance can't do - walk her down the aisle, raise a family. This draws Vance out, who lunges at him but finds himself facing Dean. Vance gets Dean against a wall, and Harper calls out to him. Dean thinks she's going to call him off, but she says "Baby, kill him!" and Dean's "huh" look is precious to me. Instead, Dean slaps a handcuff on his arm and cuffs him to a pole or something. Jack cuffs his other arm to a library cart, I think, which is mobile and therefore defeats the purpose of cuffing, but good try, Jack. The cuffs burn Vance, so they're silver or enchanted or something. Seems like a successful hunt, but when the guys look up, the door is open and Harper is gone.

Later we see Harper and her suitcase at a cafe, writing a letter to Jack. So she had time to go home and pack a suitcase, and Dean and Jack didn't go to her apartment and look for her? Guys. Come on. She's sorry she's going to have to kill Jack, but it means she can bring him back to life and they'll be together forever. See you soon, she writes, sealing the envelope addressed to Jack Smith, c/o the Lebanon, Kansas post office. I TOLD YOU NOT TO LET HER KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, JACK. Is Harper going to be a Big Bad this season? Or maybe a Little Bad? I wouldn't mind seeing her again. She's a charming little villain.

Finally, Jack's drinking coffee again, probably with a lot of sugar, in the bunker. This scene, with them facing each other, is a nice callback to the beginning of the episode. Dean tells Jack he did good, and Jack pushes for more hunts, because he was right. It's not about being right, Dean tells him, it's about what you do after you're wrong, after you've made a mistake. And about not beating yourself up, Jack points out. Dean tells him he's pretty smart, and Jack smiles and coughs and Dean promises to talk about getting him on more hunts when Sam gets back (BECAUSE SAM IS THE ONE TO ASK, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT) and Jack lies about being fine and then coughs some more and shows Dean his bloody palm and collapses on the floor with blood oozing from his mouth and nose and WELL. THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY.

And the episode ends, without Sam and Dean sharing a single scene. Has that happened before? It's unsettling. I like the ep, though. I liked the relationship focus - Sam bonding with New Charlie, Dean bonding with Jack. I liked the humor. I liked that Sam wasn't ignored, even though the brothers had separate storylines. I liked the continuation of things that have been happening this season, the gentle reminder (but not constant siren) of Dean's guilty feelings and Sam's leadership and Jack's issues. And, of course, CHRISTO!

And there was one weird thing I noticed on first watch, but it didn't jump out at me on rewatch so I don't remember when it happened... Dean said "Son of a B." This is the second episode where they said something weird instead of bitch. What's going on there? Is Dean never going to say "son of a bitch" again? Because that's not good.

What did you guys think? And please help me stay unspoiled; thanks!

[greeneyedsnake]

Hello! I've seen loads of asks here about Daphne Greengrass,apparently she and Harry até being shipped a lot. Well,I think you made a wonderful job, since she doesn't appear in the books. I wanted to ask you what are your thoughts on the Greengrass sisters? You're an amazing writer! Have a lovely day!

Thank you! I don’t think I can take any credit for the shipping, though, since that’s happening entirely of its own accord...but I’m glad people like her!

As to the Greengrass sisters, oh gosh do I have thoughts! 

Okay, I’m going to put them under a cut because while I don’t think any of this technically counts as spoiler-territory, better safe than sorry right?

So first of all, this is my favorite Greengrass family headcanon I’ve ever seen. Much of my own Greengrass sisters headcanon stems from there, more or less. I mean it goes off on branches...but that’s where the roots started.

(Note that these are general canon headcanons that I hold for the Greengrass girls, and as such may not apply to the Green-Eyed Snake series...but for the most part, they do. For the most part, I’m using my general canon headcanons as my default for writing this AU, and only deviate when I think someone will specifically work better for this story. All talk about future events, however, should definitely not be taken as relevant to the Green-Eyed Snake universe, because I honestly don’t even know who’s going to live to the end of this story yet, let alone who’s going to end up with whom!)

So...my thoughts about the Greengrasses:

I see Daphne as being someone who was embarrassed by her family’s comparatively meager social standing and wealth (relative to the elite of pure-blood society), and who tried to hide it and compensate for it when she got to Hogwarts, and clung to girls like Pansy Parkinson as a shield even when they insulted or mocked her. She was someone who wanted out, who wanted to get away from Knockturn Alley and the apothecary and the very idea of working for a living. She wanted the dream of easy wealth and comfort and big sprawling manors with vaults full of jewels.

I see Astoria as being someone who never paid much attention to the so-called social stigma of being “in trade,” and who enjoyed playing with the plants and the growing and who never liked gossiping with the customers very much, but more because she’d rather leave her nose in her book than talk to them than because she was ashamed of her family’s situation. She didn’t mind living in Knockturn Alley or wearing her sister’s outgrown robes to school, and in fact made a deal with her parents that if she took hand-me-down robes she could use the money they saved there on her books and school instruments instead and get her better quality things than they’d otherwise have afforded.

I see Daphne as loving her little sister and wanting to look out for her, but also being convinced that she knows what’s best for Astoria, and trying to mold and shove her into being the type of girl she thinks they both ought to be -- gossipy social-climbers who care about how fashionable their robes are more than they do their grades -- and Astoria quietly resisting her sisters efforts, which puts a brief wedge between the girls in their adolescence because they don’t understand one another and neither wants to compromise; Daphne resents that Astoria doesn’t seem embarrassed by second-hand robes and shabby books, that she doesn’t try to hide their circumstances, resents that Astoria isn’t grateful to her for all her efforts moving them up the social ladder and won’t do anything to help. Astoria resents being told she has to act differently, resents being told that she ought to be ashamed of things she doesn’t care about, resents her sister bossing her around “for her own good” instead of getting to know her as she is.

I see Astoria as being the sort of girl who does not put up with that for very long, because while she at first valued her sister’s advice when she began her transition, it soon began to feel more confining and constricting than it did constructive, and there’s no wrong way to be a witch, thanks anyway Daphne.

I see the Greengrass parents as having met over plants: she liked herbology, and his parents had an apothecary, and they talked plants more than anything else and still argue about conflicting schools of thought on what to grow and how and what each plant should best be used for, etc. Financial and social strain has added weight to their marriage, especially since their children were born, and they aren’t the cheerfully and constantly arguing couple they once were -- but they don’t hate each other. They just always worked better as colleagues than as a couple, but by the time they figured that out it was too late, and now Mr. Greengrass maybe drinks a little more firewhiskey than he should because he feels ashamed for not being able to better provide for his family and recoup the lost family fortune, and Mrs. Greengrass yells at all of them more than she’d like to because she resents the fact that their situation never improved the way she expected it to...but they don’t hate each other. They just argue more about money than plants these days, which is much less pleasant and much less constructive, and they spend a lot of time in different bedrooms, and are too busy with the business to give their children as much attention as they say they would like to. Neither of them have ever found a long term side-affair; maybe they would both be happier if they did.

The sisters have some Chinese ancestry on the maternal side of the family, and their mother retains enough of her grandparents’ knowledge of Chinese magicks and herbology that she can use it to supplement her and her husband’s standard Hogwarts education, which has been a boon to the apothecary -- but still not as much of a financial success as she had hoped it would be. The British wizarding world is prejudiced against foreign magicks, after all, and so for every patron impressed with the novel and unique things offered at their apothecary, there are two more who turn their noses up at anything that has a tinge of “foreigness” to it, regardless of actual superiority or inferiority.

I see Daphne as being a little bit chubby all her life, with a round pale gold face and long thick black curls and a wide round nose and little round chin. She wishes she was tall and sleek, and occasionally tries really foolish diets in an attempt to get herself to look more like the witch she thinks she ought to be. Pretty, adorable, charming, cute, dainty -- those are all words that can easily be applied to Daphne. She doesn’t want those words: she wants lovely, she wants stunning, she wants elegant. Daphne’s biggest problem is always wanting what she doesn’t have. It drives her, needles at her, bleeds her. As she fills-out, ages, and lightens-up, she grows into her curves and if she ever let herself really own them she’d be a vivacious beauty, but Daphne will never be 100% comfortable with who she is.

I see Astoria as sharing the same plump proportions when she’s little, being a little bit chubbier and shorter even, but slimming out a bit as she gets older -- never to the point of being a girl that would be described as scrawny, but one who might be called delicate -- and being perfectly happy with her body, although she wouldn’t object to being a little bit taller if someone gave her the option. (Especially once she has to start craning her neck to look up at her son, as well as her husband and in-laws.) She has thick black curls too but as she gets older she tends to pull them back in simple ponytails and buns instead of the cascades of ribbons and headbands and twisted braids that her sister spends so much time on. Her complexion is a darker gold than Daphne’s because she spends more time in the greenhouses and thus picks up some sun, despite Daphne’s constant chiding to wear a hat or cast a sun-shielding charm on herself beforehand. She keeps her nails short for digging in the dirt and cleans them meticulously rather than varnishing them like Daphne.

Both girls favor cute, flowery, ruffled clothing, although as they age Daphne’s style grows more sleek while Astoria’s becomes more simple, but they both retain a very traditionally feminine aesthetic. Daphne wears more jewelry than Astoria does, but -- after her marriage, at least -- Astoria’s is higher quality.

Eventually Daphne grows out of being so concerned with appearances, with being who she should be and instead focusing on who she is, and in the end she marries a much subdued, slightly sullen, slightly gentler (but never gentle) Pansy Parkinson, which makes for some awkward family gatherings with the Malfoys. They give their daughter Daphne’s last name, because they want her to be spared Pansy’s minor but lingering infamy, and keep to themselves and their small social circle rather than striving for the prestige and influence that Daphne (and Pansy) always dreamed of having when they were young, and they’re happy enough...although they both still long for those old unattainable dreams.

Astoria and Draco never had much to do with one another growing up and only really start conversing over potions and plants in his seventh year and her fifth, which is a good thing because by then Draco has become much less of an arse when speaking to people, and if she had known him better earlier she probably would never have fallen in love with him later. They live an even more sedate and reclusive life than the Greengrass-Parkinsons, and they both prefer it that way, because Astoria was never an extrovert and Draco...well, he learned to dislike being in the center of attention. So they keep to themselves and dote on their son and try to find a balance between spoiling him and spoiling him rotten. Astoria and Lucius get along well enough through their bond over the gardens, because that was always Lucius’s hobby and he likes having a daughter-in-law who shares the interest, but she and Narcissa never really warm up to each other -- although Narcissa would murder anything that hurt Astoria because she makes her precious son happy, and she dotes on Scorpius as much as anyone; she just doesn’t care much for Astoria, personally. She’s too open-minded. But the little family is happy enough in the secluded, reclusive peace of their manor, safe from the dangers that almost destroyed them, and that’s as happily an ever-after as any of them can claim a right to having.

And fuck Cursed Child and it’s appalling, sexist, “we’re going to fridge a female character off-screen to give the male characters pain trope.” Astoria does not have some weird bloodline curse that kills her early, thank you very much.