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#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.
deoidesign
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4 months
Text
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#ok finally making a post about meds
#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'
#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.
#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset
#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but
#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways
#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone
#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...
#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!
#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus
#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night
#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired
#it was more something that I just did because I had to.
#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...
#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.
#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted
#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.
#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too
#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared
#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow
#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING
#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up
#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world
#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.
#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on
#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.
#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...
#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.
#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.
#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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