#If we followed that rule the way we should we wouldn’t have so many whiny posts

[cameforcontent]

Tag your discourse tag your meta tag your wank tag your squick plz plz just tag when you’re talking ABOUT your fandom as something other than #yourfandom oh my goodness when I’m looking through the fandom tags I really appreciate your opinion I do, but if I wanted to see it right that moment I’d look in the “my opinions about ‘the fandom’” tags please PLEASE tag your discourse because that’s NOT what the general populace is following your fandom’s tag for

[shemarmooresfedora]

Sugary Sweet Apologies

Summary: You and Reid never really got along but when he saves your life, you decide to be the bigger person and thank him and hopefully start over. Unfortunately, it isn’t that easy.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Content/Warnings: light to mild angst with fluffy ending, swearing, spencer reid being an annoying bitch, brief mentions of case stuff (if you watch cm, you should be fine)

A/N: this is for @willowrose99 ‘s 1 year anniversary on tumblr writing challenge!! congrats! i literally wrote and edited this whole thing in less than one day because i got so excited, anyways i hope you enjoy!

Word Count: 1.8k

“Reid and Y/L/N, go to David Whitney’s house. He was the therapist of two of the three victims. He could have some insight into the victimology and know of any overlap between them. He has no criminal record of past aggressive behavior but we can’t rule him out as a suspect entirely,” Hotch stated.

“Hotch, you stuck me with her yesterday for the geographical profiling. Send Prentiss with her instead,” Spencer whined.

“I don’t mind going with Y/L/N. She is a great partner in the field,” Emily glared at Spencer.

“No. Reid, go with Y/L/N or be taken off this case. I’m a unit chief, not an elementary school teacher. I don’t have time for temper tantrums,” Hotch chided.

“Fine,” Spencer grumbled as you grabbed the keys to an SUV.

You don’t know what it was but ever since you started at the BAU four months ago, Spencer had never liked you which resulted in you disliking him as well. Everyone else on the team was super friendly and welcoming but Reid always was jabbing snarky remarks your way like “I don’t have time to explain it to you” or “This was in the FBI handbook. God, you need more training.”

Luckily, the others were quick to defend you. Once Garcia even heard him snip at you over the phone and as soon as you all got off the elevator after the case, Reid was being dragged by his ear into Garcia’s lair with him going “ow ow ow” behind her. So, you didn’t really pay much mind to him because you could deal with one annoying know-it-all to have such an amazing job with great coworkers minus the one.

“Look, I’m not happy about this either,” you said as you climbed into the driver’s side of the SUV, “But at least I’m not being a whiny bitch about it and being rude to the other person’s face.”

“Oh wow, I’m so sorry that I hurt your feelings,” Spencer mocked.

“Fuck you, Reid,” you shook your head.

-

David Whitney was on edge the second you arrived and showed him your badges. He was bouncing his leg up and down, he couldn’t sit still, and he kept avoiding eye contact.

He knew way too much about the other victim that wasn’t even one of his clients but you didn’t have anything solid on him. His house seemed very neat so you doubted he kept anything incriminating here. Organized offenders usually have a secondary location. So, you decided to push his buttons a little.

“I mean blitz attacks, leaving the bodies on the side of dirt roads,” you combed through the crime scene photos, “This guy was a real coward.”

Spencer picked up on what you were trying to do and his eyes widened, he was subtly shaking his head and mouthing “no”.

“Excuse me?” David asked.

“Well, I’m just saying a real man wouldn’t cower in the bushes and blindside a woman. He must not be very strong,” you stated, “He probably can’t even get it up.”

Before you even had time to react, David pulled out a switchblade knife from inside the couch cushions and put you in a chokehold, pressing the cool metal up to your throat. You closed your eyes tightly.

“David, you don’t have to do this,” Spencer stood with his gun pointed at you both.

“This bitch insulted me,” he snarled.

“She insults me too. That doesn’t make you any less of a man,” Spencer spoke carefully, “Just put the knife down and I’ll escort you out.”

David sighed, dropping the knife to the floor and releasing you.

Spencer put David in handcuffs and walked him outside as reinforcements came running in.

“Are you okay, Y/L/N?” Hotch asked.

“Yep, a little shaken up but fine. Thank you,” you stood.

“Let’s get you to the medics,” Morgan grabbed your arm to support you as you walked over to the ambulance.

Spencer never checked on you.

-

You knew your decision in the field was a little rash and you wanted to thank Spencer for essentially saving your life.

However, there was no way in hell you could verbally get out an apology while staring at his smug face, but you could bake. You settled on a note tucked inside a tupperware container of your Grandma’s special recipe of chocolate chip cookies. It was a good peace offering, maybe even a chance to start fresh.

During your lunch break, you took the tupperware from your desk drawer and approached the break room where Reid had entered about 5 minutes ago.

“I’m just saying I could not have been more clear in my message to her that it was too dangerous but of course, Y/L/N didn’t listen cause Y/L/N is going to do whatever she feels like,” Spencer stirred his coffee.

No one had noticed you standing in the doorway yet.

“Reid, you’ve got to be nicer to her. She earned her spot here just like the rest of us,” Emily defended you.

“Did she though? How much do we really know about her? She couldn’t even tell me how many pages the FBI protocol manual was,” Spencer said.

“That’s not a normal thing people know,” Morgan retorted.

“Well, I’m just saying the team was perfectly fine before her and it would probably be better off if she left,” Reid finished.

Garcia looked up from her yogurt to see you standing there, “Oh, Y/N”.

Spencer turned around in his chair as you angrily stormed up to him.

“Here’s your cookies, asshole,” you seethed, grabbing the note from inside and crumpling it up into a little ball and tossing it into the trash.

“Y/N!” Emily called after you but you were already gone.

The whole team glared at Spencer and picked up their lunches, leaving him alone at the table.

Spencer retrieved the balled up paper from the trash, having to fish through Rossi’s week old pasta and Anderson’s half eaten tuna fish sandwich.

Dear Reid,

Thank you for saving my life, I guess. These are my Grandma’s secret recipe for chocolate chip cookies so I hope you enjoy. I think we got off on the wrong foot and I would like to start over. I think cases would be a lot less miserable for everyone if we got along.

Thanks again,

Y/L/N

Spencer, you’re such an idiot, he thought to himself.

You never came back after your lunch break ended and Derek made Spencer go tell Hotch why it’s his fault you were missing the rest of the day.

He tried to call you multiple times but they always rang out before going to voicemail.

Spencer hesitantly knocked on Penelope’s door at the end of the day.

“Is she okay?” he asked softly.

“You don’t get to ask that as the person who hurt her in the first place. Also, she told me to tell you that don’t you dare go to her apartment to ‘check on her’. I’m headed over there myself actually,” Penelope collected her things and shut off her monitors.

“Will you at least tell her I’m really sorry?” Spencer followed her to the elevator.

“Absolutely not. I’m not doing any apologizing on your behalf,” Penelope huffed as the elevators shut.

-

You came in the next morning, keeping your head down. You grabbed a pen from your cup holder and the first folder on your stack before getting to work.

You were on the second page of the file when your clean, empty tupperware was placed in front of you plus another baking dish with aluminum foil over the top.

You glanced up to see Spencer guiltily looking down at you and you returned your eyes back to the file.

“I-I made you cinnamon rolls,” Spencer broke the silence.

“Are they poisoned?” you asked, not sparing him another glance.

“No, they’re not poisoned,” he assured you.

“I’m just saying how can I trust you as you have made it very apparent you would like me off this team.”

“I didn’t mean that,” Spencer was quick to reply.

“Then why the hell did you say it, Reid?” you slammed your pen down.

You grabbed your empty coffee mug and briskly walked to the break room but unfortunately, Spencer was right behind you.

“I didn’t eat any of your cookies by the way. Not that I didn’t want to but I felt like I didn’t deserve them so I handed them out to everyone else.”

“Oh how kind, taking credit for my work,” you tried to close the door in his face.

“I told them that they were from you,” Spencer insisted.

You rolled your eyes as Spencer grabbed the coffee pot before you could get to it, pouring your mug of coffee for you.

“What do you want from me, Reid?” you asked defeatedly.

“I want you to try a cinnamon roll and let me explain.”

“Fine but only because I didn’t have breakfast yet and I want to critique your baking skills,” you huffed, walking back to your desk.

Spencer gingerly placed one of the sticky frosting-coated rolls on a napkin and pushed it towards you. You tentatively bit into it. Damn it, it was actually delicious.

“It’s okay,” you understated.

You knew Spencer hardly ever used his kitchen let alone be up baking all night. He even chose a recipe that required more time and effort because the yeast dough would have to rise for a few hours.

“That’s good. The first batch didn’t come out as great...or the second,” he smiled softly.

“Well, the floor is all yours, Reid. Please explain to me why you talk shit about me to my co-workers when I’m in the other room,” you leaned back in your chair and crossed your arms.

Spencer muttered something incoherent.

“I have to hear the apology, you know,” you said, enjoying watching him uncomfortable.

“You’re intimidating to me because you’re intelligent, beautiful, and courageous. I think I was a little jealous that my spotlight as the ‘kid’ of the BAU was coming to an end so I said some harsh, completely untrue things and I’m sincerely sorry.”

“Oh my god,” you smirked, “Hotch was right, you are an elementary school kid.”

“In what way?” he curiously asked.

“You like me like like like me. You don’t know how to talk to the girl so you pull her pigtails on the playground,” you giggled.

“I take it back. You’re a horrible profiler,” Spencer was getting up from his seat, completely flustered.

“Awww,” you were laughing at Spencer’s bright red face as he went to go to the break room to fill his coffee mug.

When he got back to his desk, a sticky note was placed front and center.

In typical elementary school fashion…

Will you go get coffee with me?

Check:

Yes

or

No

Spencer smiled before picking up his pen and checking one of the boxes, crumpling the sticky note up into a ball and throwing it over to your desk.

“Good choice. See you Saturday at 9 at the cafe down the street,” you grinned.

“It’s a date,” he smiled.

[chibsytelford]

The Patient

A/N - Another idea that came to me and I wanted to write it down. Some Bishop fluff / fun to make up for the recent Bishop angst!

Join my groupchat for updates - here ❣

When you got the call from Hank telling you that Bishop was in hospital your mind went into overdrive. Hank didn't explain much, just that Bishop was fine but your presence was required before the doctor would release him.

On the drive over you wondered what could have possibly landed Bish in hospital. Was he shot? Stabbed? Did he fall off his bike? The many questions ran through your mind.

You pulled up at the hospital, parked the car and headed inside. "Obispo Losa" you told the receptionist and he pointed to a corridor to your left. You smiled and thanked him and headed down the corridor. As you turned the corner you saw the guys hanging around outside the door, minus EZ and Hank who you assumed were in the room.

"Yo Y/N, come to get the whiny bitch?" Angel snickered bumping shoulders with Coco like he was back in school.

"Real mature Reyes" you laughed rolling your eyes and entering the room where Bishop was. You noticed he had his leg in plaster cast and it was propped up in the air. You looked at Bishop and smiled sympathetically.

"Thank you for coming sweetheart. I'm tired of dealing with the kids" he smiled gesturing to the men. "I had to get the nurse to kick them out. Idiots were fighting to sign my cast"

You laughed at that statement, expecting nothing less from the guys. "What happened?"

You stood by Bishop's side, lifting his hand and squeezing it. He shrugged. "I fell down the clubhouse stairs and broke my leg" he muttered embarrassed. You pinched his cheeks and couldn't hold back your smile.

"The big bad president falling down stairs?" You laughed "I would have paid to see that"

He smiled. "The joke's on you sweetheart, you have to look after me" he stated. And he was right. You secretly dreaded it, because Bishop was very independent and rarely needed or wanted help, and you just knew he was going to be a bad patient.

The doctor came in and introduced herself, shaking your hand. "He's free to go now. And so is everyone else" she announced and you knew that she was happy to see the back of the guys. "He should be on bedrest for a while. I'll give you some crutches home for him and hopefully he'll manage with them. If not, give us a call and we can see about sending you a wheelchair" you locked eyes with Bishop who was quick to object about using a wheelchair. You put your fingers to your lips in a 'be quiet' gesture.

"Thank you for looking after him, and putting up with everyone else" you smiled sympathetically at the doctor.

She smiled back and rolled in a wheelchair for you to push Bishop outside with. "No way am I going in that querida" Bishop announced shaking his head.

"It's the rules Obispo. And we all know that rules are rules" you challened him, lifting your eyebrows. He knew better to argue with you so he nodded his head. Hank and Angel (who had came into the room to see the doctor) helped him up and placed him gently in the wheelchair. "Wheels up" you joked and headed for the exit.

You got Bishop into the car with help from the guys, and they followed you home to make sure he got into the house. Once out the car, you handed Bishop the crutches and he manouvered to the front door. He struggled a little bit but he wouldn't admit it to anyone. You gestured for him to sit on the sofa and you put a chair in front of him and placed a pillow on top, gently propping his leg up on it. "Can I get you anything? A beer? Food?" You asked also placing a pillow behind him so he was propped up.

"My dignity" he muttered solemnly.

"Well, you'll learn to be more careful then, won't you?" You replied ruffling his hair.

You fetched Bishop 2 beers and opened them both, placing them on the table beside him. "Don't hurt your arm reaching for them" you teased. You couldn't help it. He looked like a little lost boy sitting helpless on the sofa, and it was fairly amusing.

"I hate this already" he pouted. "I'm El Presidente, not a patient"

"Well, your cast states otherwise" you pointed out. "Now, lets watch The Notebook" you excitedly clapped and picked up the TV remote, finding the movie and putting it on. You moved Bishop's crutches away so he couldn't reach them. It was probably a bit mean, but it was rare that you spent a night with him watching movies.

"I know what you're doing" he spoke. You raised your eyebrows at him questioningly. "Moving the crutches away so I can't walk out the room during the movie".

You gave him a big innocent smile. "Me?" You feigned hurt. "I would never do such a thing Obispo Losa. Now be quiet, it's starting".

@rebelwrites @mrsmarvelous1995 @everyhowlmarksthedead @mayans-sauce @yourwonkywriter @encounterthepast @est1887 @angelreyesgirl @anangelwhodidntfall @talicat713 @withmyteeth @scuzmunkie @sheeshgivemeabreak @kid-from-new-zealand @louisianalady @blessedboo @queenbeered @calif0rnia-lovers @meteora-fc @angelreyesisdaddy04 @lovebishoplosamiguelgalindo @jasminee97 @trulysuccubus @jadesamhart

[beauvibaby]

hospital - m.barzal

requested [] yes [x] no

a/n: so no one requested this, but (prepare for a little rant) the idea came to me while I was thinking of my next dr appointment, as someone who struggles with PCOS, and never see it spoken about especially among young women, I figured I’d write this as a little something to just make myself feel like I made a small difference in normalizing it. This is based on my experience from when I had my first ruptured cyst when I was 16, it was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life (and that’s from someone who’s dislocated their shoulder 2x), I could barely stand, and the ultrasound was undoubtedly excruciating, yet I was never really diagnosed until just a couple of months ago, and as frustrating as it is because there really is no treatment for PCOS, I feel better at least knowing that there’s a name for the issues I have, rather than just having them and no definition for it... sorry for the long note hah, I hope you enjoy the fic!

warnings: hospitals, reader pain, mentions of sex (idk if I should warn that but I did anyways)

You finally managed to trudge out of the bedroom, you’d been feeling a little crampy all morning, even though you were still well over a week away from your period, you brushed it off, thinking at the worst you caught a little stomach bug. But it couldn’t be ignored anymore, “Mat?” You squeaked out, barely able to look up long enough to see that he wasn’t there, Tito looked over. “He ran down to the corner store.” He spoke up, glancing over and doing a double take when your hands gripped your side. You hunched over in pain, nearly falling to your knees, “Y/N!” Tito shot up, rushing over to you, he knew you hadn’t felt good, which is why Mat made him stay here while he ran out to get you some stuff. “Call him please.” You whispered, leaning against the wall, blinking away the tears in your eyes, Tito moved you to the couch, apologizing repeatedly every time you winced or groaned. This wasn’t a type of pain you ever felt before, it was sharp, and nauseating. Just as you sat on the couch, finally letting the tears fall, you couldn’t be bothered to feel embarrassed, this was the worst pain you’ve felt of your life thus far, the front door opened and Mat walked in. He took in the sight of Tito kneeling beside you, phone in hand as he was about to call Mat. “Baby, hey, talk to me.” Mat rushed over, dropping the bag on the couch, he took Tito’s spot in front of you. He watched as you shook your head, crying to hard to speak coherently, “she needs to go to the hospital, she could hardly walk.” Tito explained shortly, “come on.” Mat didn’t hesitate to stand, sliding one arm under your shoulders to steady you. He walked slowly, alongside you, a million thoughts and worries going through his head but he didn’t express any of them, knowing you were thinking the same. “You gotta tell me where it hurts, princess.” He whispered as you hid in his chest in the elevator, you placed his hand on your lower left stomach, he rubbed slightly to see if it helped but yanked his hand away when you let out a strangled cry. “I’m sorry.” He rushed, sloppily tying your hair back, knowing you hated when it stuck to your face with tears.

Finally, you got to the emergency room and they took you back almost instantly, saying they needed to make sure it wasn’t appendicitis, which only made you more nervous, although they quickly ruled that out, thankfully, but the next concern was kidney stones. “We want to do a CT scan to check, they’ll be in to take you back shortly.” The doctor, who had zero bedside manner, disappeared the second he was done speaking, you had stopped crying, the pain not really subsiding but it was a mix of adjusting to it, and finally being stuck in one position long enough to not agitate it. “Hey, calm down.” You sighed rolling your head to the side, Mat’s knee was bouncing furiously, his chin resting in his hands. Kidney stones, if that’s what it was, you’d be fine, but you couldn’t shake the feeling that it wasn’t. “Sorry, sorry.” Mat whispered, sliding his chair closer, he leaned up, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead, “you’ll be alright.” He assured you, hating the pain you were in. “I’d switch places with you if I could baby.” He added, and you chuckled softly at the thought, he raised a brow at you, “why is that so funny?” He retorted, taking advantage of your momentary smile. “Because, you’re so whiny when you get a cold, if you went through this you’d go insane.” You giggled, stopping when it made your side shoot in pain again. Mat’s smile died down as well, pouting softly when you sighed, closing your eyes, only to be interrupted again by the nurse coming in to take you for the scan. Mat spent the whole fifteen minutes you were gone, texting Tito freaking out about how much pain you were in, Tito having to continuously tell him you’d be fine, you were in a hospital after all, they could give you strong pain meds once they figured out what was wrong.

When you returned, Mat helped you sit back on the bed, wiping at the fresh layer of tears on your face. The nurse smiled at you when his back was turned, you got that look a lot, especially from the older ladies when they saw how Mat would tend to you. “The doctor will be in soon to go over the results.” She spoke walking out the door, “that tube is so small.” You mumbled after a short silence, Mat laughed softly, “I know.” He’s had his fair share of scans over the years for injuries, “at least you didn’t have to go head first.” He pointed out and you shivered at the thought, “no way, not ever gonna happen.” You mumbled, you weren’t really claustrophobic, but the thought of being stuck in that tube with your arms forced behind your head made you cringe. “Well hopefully you don’t need anything from the hospital for a long, long time.” He sighed, neither of you liked hospitals, not many people did, but growing up you’d seen your fair share of them and preferred to stay as far away from them as you could.

***

“Good news.” A new doctor walked in, a female doctor, instantly your eyes shot to her badge, OB/GYN sewn into her white coat, you went wide eyed, Mat was too worried about what she was going to say to notice. You had a million thoughts running through your head, even though you knew you weren’t pregnant, they had done a test before the CT scan, but still for a second you panicked. “It’s not kidney stones, but we did find a couple of cysts on your ovaries.” She explained, you let out a sigh of relief before your next concerns started kicking in, Mat shifted awkwardly in his seat, even though you’ve been together for years, he still got a little pink at such topics. She started explaining how they couldn’t really confirm if you had a larger one that ruptured, causing your pain, but she was pretty confident based on your symptoms, then she started asking some questions, to which you could tell Mat was tuning out. But then one in particular made his eyes shoot over to you when you took longer to answer, “any pain or discomfort during intercourse?” She looked up from her clipboard when you didn’t answer immediately, her eyes darted between you and Mat, your cheeks a little pink as you gave her a look, that silently answered her question. “Not pain, but discomfort definitely.” You admitted making Mat go wide eyed, he staid silent until the doctor left, telling you that she’d be back with discharge papers soon. “Y/N.” He started, you looked down to your hands in your lap, picking at your nail polish. “Why didn’t you tell me? Jesus, how long has this been going on? Did I hurt you?” He rushed his questions together, you felt even worse for not telling him how, but you didn’t think much of it, thinking it was just an odd phase your body was going through. He felt terrible, suddenly feeling like he was forcing you to have sex, even though it didn’t feel right. “I didn’t want to say anything, it’s not your fault, I just knew you’d be worried.” You whispered, it was a stupid excuse but it was true. “Of course I would be worried! Do you really think I’d be so selfish about my own needs? How long?” He stood, getting a little wigged out over the sudden revelation, you looked away, only making him more stressed. “Like a month and a half?” You whispered, he froze, mid pace. “A month and a half?!” He whisper shouted, being mindful of the fact you were in a hospital. “I’m sorry.” You sighed, looking at him with apologetic eyes, he shook his head softly, sitting back down in the chair when he heard the doctor coming back in. She went over a few quick instructions, the usual if it gets worse or you get a fever come back, but she told you to schedule a follow up with your gynecologist, which you assured her, and Mat that you would do. The doctor could sense the tension, she looked over to Mat. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, plenty of women go through this and don’t say anything to their partners.” Her words visibly eased his shoulders, although in his mind he was still reeling in the fact that you wouldn’t say anything, especially for that long, he’d thought of all the times you’d been intimate and felt worried that he had caused you any discomfort.

The short trip back to the apartment was silent, he had his hand glued to yours the whole time though, which told you he wasn’t mad, but you still felt guilty, it was stupid, childish to not say anything. His phone rang as you walked into the apartment, he dropped your hand, you glanced back. “Go ahead, I’m going to shower.” You whispered, smiling softly, you really did need a shower, especially after sitting in the hospital all afternoon, it made you feel dirty.

“Hello?” Mat answered the phone, softly shutting the door behind him, he heard the water turn on in the bathroom, “hey, I just wanted to see how you guys were.” Tito spoke, oblivious to the bomb he had just stepped on. Mat couldn’t help but scoff, “let’s just say she was having issues and didn’t tell me, and I was possibly making it worse.” He explained without divulging any too personal information. “I’m sure she didn’t tell you for good reasons.” Tito responded, as best as he could without knowing the whole situation, “you sound like her.” Mat grumbled, earning a chuckle from his friend. “She knows how worked up you get, and with the season starting back up soon she probably didn’t want to distract you.” He assured him, “I get that, but I’m her boyfriend, she’s supposed to tell me these things, if this had happened during the season I would’ve been more distracted.” Mat rambled, Tito being the voice of reason for him. “Dude, you just have to calm down, it’s over now, don’t be a jerk, I’m sure she’s beating herself up for it now. The last thing she needs is you making her feel worse.” And with that Mat came to his senses, muttering a quick goodbye before going to the bathroom to check on you. He knocked softly on the door, making his presence known before he tried turning the knob, he furrowed his brows together when he realized it was locked. He couldn’t think of a time in your relationship where it had ever been locked. “Y/N?” He called, knocking again, he heard you gasp softly, scrambling around in the bathroom. “Almost done.” You called out, rushing to wash the conditioner out of your hair as you begged the tears to stop.

You wrapped a towel around yourself and looked in the mirror, grimacing at the puffy face staring back at you, it was no use trying to hide it, the knob jiggled again. “Baby, are you okay?” He had concern lacing his voice, you nodded, more for yourself, clearly since he couldn’t see you. “Yeah.” You mumbled, unlocking the door, he opened it immediately, the steam from your shower flowing out of the room. “What’s wrong?” He mumbled cupping your face, eyes searching yours for any pain, “you’re mad at me.” You spoke sheepishly, he shook his head. “Baby, I’m not mad, I was just shocked you didn’t tell me.” Mat assured you, feeling guilty for letting you think he was actually mad. “I guess I understand why you didn’t tell me, but you should’ve, you could’ve gone to the doctor earlier and maybe this wouldn’t have happened, I just feel bad for causing you pain.” He explained, lips landing softly on your forehead. Your gripped him a little tighter at the action. “I know, it was stupid, I’m sorry.” You sighed, he nodded, giving you a quick kiss. “Still hurt?” He asked, following you around like a lost puppy, you nodded silently, brushing your hair out. “You didn’t hurt me, you know? If it had hurt I would’ve told you, it was just different?” You tried to explain, seeing the wheels turning in his head. He met your eyes in the mirror, “I don’t know how to explain it, you wouldn’t understand.” You added lightening the mood with a laugh. He smiled, “no I don’t think I would.” He agreed, relieved to at least see you joking around. “Just promise me you’ll tell me if anything like that happens again?” He came up behind you, “of course bub.” You winced lightly, sighing at the continuing pain, they told you it would be bad for a couple of days, so you weren’t surprised. Mat on the other hand grew more frustrated every time it hurt, wishing he could do something. “I just want to lay down, please.” You whispered when he kissed the top of your head. He nodded and walked you to the bed, even though you were fully capable, you allowed him to have his moment of feeling like he helped. Which he did, just by being there, he always helped. It’s safe to say he was very hesitant to touch you for a while after that.

Taglist: @mtkachuk​ @softstarkey​ @literarycharleton​ @thathockeygirl​

[grapefruitsketches]

And when I break it’s in a million pieces (3/5)

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Rated T

Twin Jades post-canon case fic, POV Lan Xichen, angst, hurt/comfort

Chapter 3 - For fytheuntamed’s Untamed Fall Fest Day 10 - Rain

Also available on AO3

After walking aimlessly between the trees for a few minutes, calling his brother’s name, Xichen resigned himself to the fact that such a search would be fruitless.

He summoned his guqin. It was time to try Inquiry. Find the spirit, so he could track down his brother.

Xichen sat down, pulling his guqin onto his lap. Placing his fingers against the strings, he sighed. He had always preferred the xiao, but Inquiry was one of those techniques that required a particular type of instrument. If he could figure out how to let a spirit to breath air into the flute just as it was able to move the strings of the guqin, though, he wouldn’t be using the large instrument. The guqin was… heavy. In more ways than one.

He breathed deep, closed his eyes, and sank into the familiar melody – the first question, ever ingrained in his mind:

What is your name?

He waited. Patient. Listening. Waiting for the guqin to respond.

We are many. Who do you call?

Lan Xichen ignored the question, knowing better than to be drawn into the spirits’ game without knowing more. Only now suspecting they wouldn’t be doing much in the way of a rescue.

Why do people come to your forest?

Because they are like us, Zewu-jun.

Zewu-jun. Lan Xichen flinched. It was not a good sign that the spirits knew his name. This was the one of the first thing they cautioned new learners on: if the spirit ever seems to know something about you, you muststop. The centre of control may have shifted their way.

But he ignored this basic rule for one even more deeply ingrained: his brother’s safety was on the line. So he went on.

In what way?

They are alone. They were let down.

Xichen paused. Spirits liked to play tricks, when they could, with Inquiry. Manipulating the asker’s questions to reveal nothing while technically always answering truthfully. It was risky, but if it could help pinpoint the victim commonalities.

Let down how?

Broken vows. Secrets. Betrayal. Things can truly leave a person isolated from the world.

Xichen’s breath hitched. He had known, but it still hurt to hear it confirmed that his brother, who had suffered so much already, was still feeling the kind of isolation this spirit seemed to target. He kept going, needing to find out where his brother was. Unable to face himself, never mind his uncle or brother-in-law or really anyone else if he had lead his brother out to a fatal mission.

And what do you do to them?

A pause. Far too long to be comfortable, followed.

We take them in. Take them away from what harmed them.

Where are they?

Here, the spirit whooshed by Xichen’s ear, chuckling audibly, gratingly. Xichen covered his ears as the spirits began speaking, chanting, no longer needing the guqin, not here in the place where they were strongest.

Here. Here. Here. HERE. HERE. HERE.

The guqin’s chords were playing wildly, incoherent, as the audible voice laughed and repeated the word. Louder, then louder still. Panting, Xichen pulled his hands away from his ears, flinching as the sounds assaulted his ears, now entirely unimpeded. He cut off the spiritual energy flow to the guqin. Closed the channel, and only as he did so did he notice the blood on his palms. Shaking, Xichen raised a hand back to his ear, only to see more thin pools of blood painting his finger once he pulled back away.

The spirits seemed to find Xichen’s confusion funny, quieting for now.

Lan Xichen stood up quickly, leaving his guqin to slide to the ground. He looked around to see tendrils of retreating shadows, snaking back into the now once again visible line of trees surrounding him.

He was sweating. Panting. He bent down to pick up the guqin.

Steeling himself, he bent over, reaching to swipe the guqin away, and walked towards the direction where the shadows had just retreated.

--

Er-ge…

Sticks crunched beneath his feet.

Xichen…

Wind brushed his face.

A-Huan…

Branches cut at his face, arms as he moved through the thick trees.

The lines marking the roots faded even as he pursued them. Black. Grey. A shadow. Gone.

His heart raced still and he struggled to catch his breath. Thoughts just as hard to follow as the shadows.

A mother. Two brothers. Was he now meant to lose a third?

He had failed them. Each one. One by one.

Xiongzhang…

He shook his. Not wanting to hear that call, not among all the other voices.

He had failed him too, even as he’d tried to stop it. Wangji… didi… A-Zhan… He had been through so much.

A-Huan… please take care of your brother for me.

Xichen… please believe me.

Er-ge… please forgive me.

Xiongzhang… Xiongzhang…

Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes, clouding his vision. And as he wiped his sleeve across his face, he thought he saw…

“A-Zhan?” Lan Xichen whispered, mouth dry… no…

A kneeling boy, so small that the piling snow quickly enveloped his toes, his legs. Xichen wanted to reach out for him. Didn’t have the words. Finally, tried:

“A-Zhan?”

No response.

“Lan Zhan?”

Silence.

“Didi?”

Xichen’s voice was becoming desperate, whiny, high-pitched, childish to his own ears.

“P-please?” he pleaded.

And finally, the little figure, kneeling in the snow, waiting for a door (that Xichen now recognized) to open, seemed to resign himself to the fact that it never would. He gently, firmly brushed the snow off his robes as he rose.

He turned, and the young voice, which Xichen knew still carefully avoided the trickier words so as not to stumble, answered with a coldness to rival the weather.

“It’s Wangji.”

It had been the first time Lan Xichen had not been able to intuit what his brother wanted. What he needed, or why. It had been his first chance to fall short of his mother’s wishes, and it had not been the last.

“Xiongzhang?”

The snow turned to rain, as the sky – the real sky – opened up overhead, masking the tears that were now flowing freely down his face.

Xichen suddenly came back to the realization that he was no longer a child. No longer on the snowy paths of the Cloud Recesses.

He sank to his knees, relieved to no longer be in that moment, but somewhat disappointed that he didn’t have a chance to do it all over again with the benefit of knowing what he now knew. He shivered, still feeling the cold of a long past winter. He coughed. Coughed again, and stood back up. Continuing his walk forwards, to find his brother. To not fail him again.

Lan Xichen had gotten so many more years with their mother. Years he could not split, could not share with his brother no matter how much he wanted to. He had been meant to care for him, to pass on the things that their parents could not. And yet, here he was. His brother had earned a respectful place in the cultivation world, through no help on Xichen’s part. Almost despite what Xichen had done. Had failed to do. Xichen, instead of believing his brother, protecting his brother at all costs, had chosen instead to protect someone who had hurt so many he loved, even while Wangji suffered. He had turned himself into a burden Wangji had to bear, instead of someone his little brother could rely on.

He had, time and again, refused to acknowledge what was really going on. And so, was it really surprising that so many had stopped trying to tell him until they had enough evidence that it was near undeniable? Had he not still given the murderer – a man he still struggled to think about with any kind of clarity – the benefit of the doubt?

“Xiongzhang.”

How had he let his other brothers, his sworn brothers, distract him from the duty he had to his brother? Xichen had been given so much. Had had things easy. Like anyone, he had his moments of sadness, of grief but that did not appease the debt he had taken from his brother.

He had been happy to do whatever was asked of him. He had sealed his mouth. His cultivation. Himself. And had it been worth it?

One brother had mourned for 16 years for what Xichen had allowed.

Another had died for what Xichen had ignored.

And the last had been killed by his own hand, destroyed by his fear, his desperation, at having facts he should have noticed long ago brought before his eyes.

And even then, he had not even bothered to look.

“Xiongzhang!”

Lan Xichen frowned before blinking his eyes open, slowly.

He lay, not in the snowy paths of Cloud Recesses, not on the stony steps of Jinlintai, not even in a bloody mess in a temple, but instead on the muddy floor of a forest, branches and stones cutting into his back, rain pouring down over him.

He turned his head, to see his brother, crouching, eyes closed, and directing spiritual energy into his older brother.

“Wangji,” Xichen said finally, shocked at the croak in his own voice, “Wangji, are… you’re ok?” He moved to sit up, shaking, flinching at the unsightly faded pink in his white robes, his blood had thinned in the rain, soaking down his arms, not to mention the mud covering his front, where he’d apparently fallen face first.

Wangji’s brow furrowed, ever so slightly, but Xichen saw concern painted in his clenched chin, narrowed eyes, hard expression, but he nodded.

“What’s wrong?” Xichen asked, cracking a smile and coughing to clear his throat. Once. Twice, “How did… how did you get away?”

“Xiongzhang,” Wangji finally replied, “It was you who was taken.”

Now Xichen frowned, “Me? But you disappeared.”

“It was you.” Wangji affirmed.

“Oh.” Xichen’s mind was beginning to fog again as he reached back, trying to connect loose memories of moments, “So you’re… you’re ok.”

He coughed into his arm, embarrassed by the throaty nature of it, but one cough grew into another, and soon he was clutching his chest, he faintly heard his brother worriedly calling after him again, channeling more spiritual energy to him as one cough followed the next.

Eventually, after what seemed like ages but was probably only a momentary coughing fit, the clotted blood came up. Xichen swallowed, looking at the mess on the ground in front of him. He felt better, but despite having apparently just woken up, was suddenly very tired.

“I’m glad,” he whispered, as the rain fell on both their faces. He wanted to pet his brother on the head, to comfort him like he used to when they were kids. But he did not want to get his own blood and mess on his brother. Besides, his arms felt… awfully heavy, “I’m glad,” he said again, before his eyes fell closed and he felt himself fall into his brother, leaving himself hardly a moment to feel guilty for relying on his brother’s support again before falling back out of consciousness.

[summerspn]

Gilmore Girls

Logan Huntzberger

Good looking, charming, witty, fun, immature & occasionally self destructive, Logan was Rory’s long time Yale boyfriend.

Upon his arrival in the show Logan was immature & just did whatever he wanted to for fun. It was amusing at times & occasionally annoying how Rory let him convince her to take part. But soon we saw that she wanted to do many of the silly & ridiculous things he & his buddies did.

And that’s when we see Rory actually fits with them more than she does anywhere else at Yale. She wants to be crazy & irresponsible like Logan & his friends.

But we also see that Logan has layers. He is entitled but people also don’t say no to him or talk back which is why he respected Rory from the start. It was refreshing for him.

He also like intelligence though as he seems to really like that trait in Rory. He also seems amused most of the time by Paris so he doesn’t mind hyper stressed, highly intelligent people.

Logan goes with the flow with for about 90% of his life. We think he’s aimless but that’s more because his life was planned out for him so why should he worry about making other plans?

He also resents that predestined life. I think he was ignorant of how much he hated that until he met Rory. She opened his eyes to the fact some wealthy families can actually let their kids follow their own path (like Richard & Emily did by staying on the side lines).

I love his arc & how he learns way more outside of the classroom than within, during his reign at Yale.

Logan starts to think about a career away from his father. He even ends up creating his own business, being both a failure & successful on his own. Which is a huge learning factor in someone’s life. I respect that he tried that. Not many people have the guts to do it.

We also see Logan treating women like just fun conveniences...though he states several times he’s not serious. He’s honest about that with the women he’s with. He’s essentially just having fun. Nothing wrong with that.

The problem was that Rory wanted more but didn’t want to speak up about it. She just goes along with things. Eventually she does set rules for him about what she wants and he does eventually figure it out. He wanted to be with only her, so he was.

He gets jealous (like every boy Rory’s with - because the writer apparently thinks that’s a sign of a good relationship??)... but jealousy is a sign of immaturity. It could also be considered controlling. For Dean he was controlling. Logan was just immature.

Logan’s family is snobby & his father especially, feels they’re better than everyone. Logan doesn’t though.

He chats with everyone he sees at Yale, not acting superior to anyone unless he’s annoyed. But he doesn’t look down on people. He accepts them into his life even if it’s brief. So he’s much more enlightened than his father.

I liked that a lot.

The Life & Death Brigade was a way to cut loose & pretend like his semi-self destructive behaviour was okay. Labelling it made it seem fine because other people were doing the same things he was. It was a bit like a crutch & enabling bad behaviour.... which is why it felt so weird for that (college club) to reappear in Year in the Life.

Logan’s another boyfriend that Lorelai seems to not like. She judges him fairly quickly. After being told many time that Rory’s mother is fun, cool & is basically like them, he steals the lighter. Lorelai knows about it and doesn’t like it of course. She acts like it was something serious. Not her fault. However, this was Rory & Logan’s fault. Logan obviously because he did it, prioritizing his game over Rory’s family. It was just...stupid.

And Rory is at fault because she didn’t set boundaries. She could have stressed how upset she’d be or how much she didn’t want him to do anything like that. She just folds in & acts like it’s not happenin or would never happen. At best she’s naive. I felt it kind of unfair to stress it so much with Logan because stealing the lighter was dumb.

It’s not like he tried pressure her into it or anything else to the point where she felt uncomfortable (like Jess did at that party...). It’s not like he was controlling, demanding, or whiny when she didn’t pay enough attention to him (like Dean always did...). It was merely a stupid prank and Lorelai acted like it was a felony.

To be fair I thought he should have made up for it a little. But I also don’t think Lorelai would have forgiven him because she makes snap judgments and rarely changed her mind.

Logan occasionally influences Rory to cut loose & have fun. She needs that. It’s hinted many times over that Rory was basically more responsible than Lorelai (she does laundry when they run out of clothes - because her mom couldn’t be bothered. She sets up appointments etc). So it’s like Rory was tightly wound (not as much as Paris though). And she needed some spontaneity in her life.

That’s why I think Logan was good for her.

However, she loses herself in the relationship (again, as she did the same with Dean) and doesn’t seem to understand her limits or is easily influenced. Logan was a bit pushy at times (the entitled part of him coming out) and when Rory stole the boat, she, he, and everyone else knew it was a mistake.

One of the scenes after that you can tell Logan felt bad. I think it’s important to note because he starts changing & maturing a lot after that event.

Being accepting of Rory’s break from school... I know people don’t agree here. I’ve heard many people say he should have ‘made’ her stay. But he’s not controlling. He doesn’t like pushing his friends, her, people he cares about to do things they don’t want to. So he supports her, knowing she actually just needs a break & will go back...because Rory loves school. It’s actually a really mature way to handle the situation.

Then in the series end he wants Rory to go to California with him. He loves her & knows long distance relationships rarely work out. He doesn’t want to lose her. So he proposed to her.

It was sweet but clearly shows he still needs to mature. Which I think she could see. So she said no.

Logan didn’t really think of Rory’s career plans when he tried to get her to go with him but that’s just part of the maturing that needed to happen. So breaking up was the right choice for them.

I hated how Year in the Life basically destroyed the years of character development with him. Logan was completely reversed back to the first time we saw him. Making him a cheater no less. The evolved Logan would have felt guilt - for hurting the fiancé & treating Rory that way. He also wouldn’t be working for his father.

That’s one difference I found interesting between Logan & Dean, Rory’s two longest relationships... (excluding Year in the Life) Dean felt zero remorse for cheating & kept secrets. Logan is out in the open & honest about seeing different women.

I thought if he showed up at all in Year in the Life, it should have been a quick run in with Rory. Seeing him married to a woman he loves, happy at a job he loved (even if not making much) because it would be his own path. That Rory changed him for the better & he moved on as people sometimes do. So I’m sad we never got that.

Logan matures through the series & evolves. I went from finding him to be a bit of a douche to liking his character in the series.

Logan & Rory weren’t endgame but they did mean something to each other. They helped each other grow.

[thecorteztwins]

More Alt-Marauders time! This time it’s Pyro and Claudine in “Left Untold”, Madelyne and Shinobi in “Motherly Instinct” and then a couple of untitled Haven and Sebastian snippets that didn’t evolve into full things. I hope you enjoy!

LEFT UNTOLD “Man, family drama, eh?” Pyro said, stepping into the kitchen where Claudine was fixing a drink. There was...a lot going on, at the moment. Shaw and his son. Haven and her brother. Madelyne and her....er, was the teenage Cable the same Cable that was her son? Pyro wasn’t clear and he wasn’t getting close enough to that mess to find out. “Mm,” Claudine replied, eyes not leaving the bottle she was pouring from. “Glad I don’t have one,” Pyro added. “Is this the part where I’m supposed to tell you whether I do or not?” “Well, it’d make conversation. But uh, not DYING to know either.” It was true, Pyro was not usually into that kind of thing, getting close with folks needlessly. But lately, he wasn’t opposed to it either, if only because everyone here seemed to have a real interesting story. If he had to listen to somebody’s personal tragedy, it should at least be intriguing and unique, and this crew had that in SPADES. “Suppose I’m just a little curious about you, since I know a bit about everyone else now,” he admitted. She looked at him now, glass in hand, smiling in that damnable Cheshire Cat way she had that he was SURE she did deliberately for the purpose of driving other people nuts, “Does it worry you? Not knowing? Or are you curious for another reason?” “I’m a writer, love---a journalist, once,” he put his hands on his body waist and stuck out his slim chest a bit,  “I follow leads, follow stories, figure things out. Just instinct. If I feel like there’s a story...I want to know it. And you got one, I’m sure---from before that old ghost got his hooks in you. But you ain’t all THAT important to me either, so don’t flatter yourself. I wasn’t digging, just asking.” Claudine smirked a bit, “Yes, I do have a story. I have a “me” from before Sinister. But I like having it to myself. I don’t have much to myself anymore, you know.” “Yeah---I understand that. “ He did. He understood all to deeply wanting to keep some kind of control, when things were out of your control, your body turned against you into the weapon killing you, yeah, he understood that. He understood it painfully well. “Well, it’s getting so I could choke on the tension in there, what say you and I go out and not talk about ourselves at all?” “Sounds like a time, St. John,” she put down the drink, “I’ll put on my dancing shoes.” They went out to Bangok that night, and then a few hip Eastern European clubs, and they didn’t talk a word about themselves all night. *** MOTHERLY INSTINCT “I can’t believe this,” Shinobi was near panicking, “Of all the times not to have Haven on board!” “Excuse me?” Madelyne turned a look of irritation towards Shinobi, and then picked up one of the infants. There was at least a dozen, all visibly mutation. This one was a lovely sea-green color with upward-curving little horns. Madelyne held it perfectly. “She’s not the only one with motherly instincts around here, you know.” Shinobi, in fact, did not know. He was completely surprised by this information. Madelyne didn’t have mom vibes, not even MILF vibes---well, hot step-MILF, maybe---she wore a black leather keyhole top and stiletto heels and she was totally kickass and he LOVED that! But she wasn’t all...nice. She wasn’t mean, until she got tired with his attempts at flirtation, but she was...well she was the most normal person on here, he supposed, her and Pyro. But a mom? That did work out well for him though, because... “Oh, uh, well, you’ve got it well in hand then,” he said, and started to leave, only to have Madelyne telekinetically pull him back by the velvet color of his sparkly satin purple blazer. “Not so fast, pal,” she said sternly, “There’s a LOT of kids here, and even telekinesis won’t let me watch them all at once.” She could use her telepathy to put them all to sleep, but she damn well WASN’T going to do that. It seemed to be common for telepaths to have issues around consent, for even the best and most benevolent of them to use their powers in ethically dubious ways at times, but in Madelyne’s case, one could understand why agency, even for infants, would be something she’d be defensive of, to say the least. “But I don’t know anything about them!” Shinobi whimpered. He couldn’t take care of babies, HE WAS BABY! Madelyne was unmoved, “Well you’re gonna learn!” A few hours later, they were seated on the floor crosslegged, each one bottle-feeding one of the little shit machines. Shinobi was still kind of weirded out by the whole thing but, after many disasters, had been deemed by Maddie to be ‘doing alright’ at last. “So uh, how’d you learn all this, huh?” Shinobi asked “You used to baby sit?” He could SO see her as a hot babysitter. Seducing the dad...or the mom...oh man... “I had a son,” she said flatly, in a hostile tone that got through to even Shinobi that she didn’t want to talk about it. “Oh,” Shinobi said, and assumed the kid must have died. Then, in the true fashion of the idiot that he was, asked   “With Cyclops or my dad?” “Cyclops!” Madelyne exclaimed, in shock at very idea of other suggestion, so much so distracted her from even being mad that he’d pried, “God, Shinobi, I wouldn’t----look there are some things your father is good for but that is NOT one of them!” Shinobi laughed, “Ha! You think he’s sterile? Oh boy did he pull the wool over your---” “No! I mean---being a father---or a mother---isn’t just about getting someone pregnant, you know.” That made her think though...that really was all the “mother” she’d been to Nathan. She’d only gotten to actually care for him for less than a year before...before he was taken. Before she died. Before she tried to...to kill him. And he was left to be raised by the man who had walked out on him, and the witch he had walked out for. She’d reunited with him years later, when he was older than she was, she had cast Sebastian aside to help him...ad he’d rejected her. He’d known what she did, he’d thrown it in her face. She couldn’t blame him---how could he know the full story, that it was out of her control? All he would have heard from his “parents” was that she was the evil witch, the babykiller, the Goblyn Queen, not his real mother, not really. And when she’d run into Nate Grey, drawn to him without knowing why, the version of Nathan from another world, it turned out he’d just wanted Jean too, that wanting Jean in this world was why he’d brought Maddie back from the dead, to be HIS Jean. Everyone always thought that Scott’s rejection was all that mattered to Madelyne, that she was just the Crazy Evil Ex, that she was only bitter over that, over him. No one ever considered how much more it hurt her to have her SON push her away. For god’s sakes Scott’s ship had sailed, but her CHILD...and she’d heard he was a teenager again, on Krakoa? He’d been a grizzled old man when she met him, all the years they should have had together taken away by time travel...could she maybe, now...no, they’d never let her. But that was fine. No one “let” Madelyne Pryor do things. She just DID them. Made her own path. Always had, til she’d found it had already been laid out for her from the start. And still, she’d forked the road---Sinister sure hadn’t planned on Inferno! “So uh, you know all the stuff then,” Shinobi said, snapping her out of it, “Yyou should definitely change the diapers, then.” She realized he was holding out the baby he had been feeding. Holding it VERY far from his body. “Cuz you know how to best. Wouldn’t want them to have a crappy diaper change. I mean that’s why you’re changing it!” Ugh. “Fine,” she said, “Give him here.” She didn’t trust Shinobi not to botch a diaper change anyway. She passed the baby in her arms to him, then got to work with this one, much to Shinobi’s disgust. “That’s kind of cool though, that you were a mom,” he said, once she’d finished up. She looked at him, wondered for a moment if-- “It makes you a total MILF, literally.” Nevermind. *** SMALL HAVEN/SHAW SCENES THAT NEVER EVOLVED INTO FULL FICLETS “I’m telling you, I can’t,” Haven said plaintively. It was a firm statement of fact, and a pained one. Not emotionally pained as was her whiny usual, but physically. And for good reason---her entire right foot was crushed, the bones shattered inside it by the rocks of the terrain they were trapped upon for the moment. But that was really no excuse for giving up and slowing him down, and Sebastian Shaw was not about to let her make it one. “And I am telling you,” he said, looking down at her contemptuously, his tone and expression completely devoid of any sympathy, “That you have to. We must reach the portal. Once there, we can get you a healer. Whinge all you want, woman, but get up!” “Let me lean on you, Mr. Shaw, if you will. I cannot walk on my own, but I may limp that way.” Sebastian furrowed his brows, and crouched down so that he was on eye to eye level with her. Then, with one hand, he struck her across the face in irritation, and then, with the opposite arm, immediately scooped her up and hauled her over one shoulder. It would be much quicker this way than a limping pace.“I want you to know, I would dearly like to leave you, Ms. Dastoor,” he growled, “But I expect Charles would count that in violation of the rules he set regarding your preservation.” *** Neither Madelyne nor Claudine had been able to reverse the bodyswap, so for the time being it looked as though Haven and Shaw had to live in each other, rather than simply with each other. It irritated Sebastian tremendously. It unnerved Haven. “I shall endeavor not to take your clothes off, but understand that this might not be feasible depending how long we’re stuck like this,” he grumped from her mouth, “I already had to use the washroom once. It was an...experience.” “I did as well,” Haven said, from his face. The new gentleness behind its eyes was terrifying to look at for anyone who was familiar with him; Shinobi couldn’t be in the same room with her like this. “Did you look?” Sebastian smirked, an expression her mouth had likely never made before. “Certainly not! I assure you, I am granting you the same privacy that---” “Go ahead next time. There’s a full-length mirror in my bedroom. Take it all in. I expect you’ll see some things you never have before. It would explain a lot about you, Ms. Dastoor.”

[balkanradfem]

I'm trying to deal with a horrible roommate situation, and I'm gonna go and rant about it, because I'm at loss of what to do. 

So she moved in in October, and since I'm poor and stuff I have to share a room with her, but I'm usually fine with that bc I'm a nice calm person who just goes about her business and grows her plants and tells witchy tales. I'm generally friendly with roommates unless I realize they wanna be left alone and have privacy, in which case, I leave them be and make sure they get their alone time in the room. So, she moves in, she's somewhat friendly so I am friendly too, I realize quickly she has no regard for giving others space in the apartment, doesn't clean at all, and loves wasting resources, but I'm thinking, okay, that's not the worst thing in the world and with time she will adapt, probably. She's 19 she has time to figure out how to co-exist.

But, she only got worse, the kitchen and bathroom, and bedroom, and hallway, are now filled with her stuff. Even bathroom and bedroom floor are filled with her stuff. I have zero kitchen surfaces to make food on (even though there are so many, she fills it with her dishes and refuses to put them away, even though I cleaned the cupboards just for her, she refuses to use them).  She refuses to keep her clothes in the closet and keeps it on the floor. She keeps her very filthy hairbrush, her makeup, mirror and entire cosmetics on the kitchen table. She doesn't clean, she says she will but the apartment gets absolutely disgusting and she just doesn't care, I end up cleaning bc I can't look at disgusting stuff she leaves in the sink and the bathtub, and I know she'll get them all clogged up and I don't wanna deal with that.

But okay, I let that go, and try to stay friendly even though I sometimes mention that things are filthy and should get cleaned up, she just doesn't seem to care. She gets less and less friendly. Come January, I start planting my lil plants, and put them next to the big kitchen window so they would get some sun. I come to the kitchen to find out she moved them all into the darkest corner to die. This is where my heart gets very cold. I didn't touch any of her stuff over the entire kitchen, but my 3 small trays of plants are in her way? I ask her to leave them, and then every single time I enter the kitchen, my plants are in the darkness. I end up making a small desk out of carboard, and put it in a place where light hits, but where roommate wouldn't see them. So okay I dealt with that, somehow.

So the roommate smokes, and I'm heavily allergic to cigarette smoke, so does it on the balcony. Balcony doors are in the bedroom, where I'm usually working. She goes outside and stays out for 2 hours often, and it's cold outside, but she doesn't care because she comes from a colder climate than I do. She refuses to close the balcony doors. Insists that the room needs airing. Insists to air the room for 2 HOURS. While it's below zero celsius outside. Which I notice is ridiculous and I try to close the doors because I'm FREEZING inside. She argues with me about how she can't breathe in the room and looks at me expecting me to be GRATEFUL she's airing it out so much, but my nerves are starting to thin as I know I already air the room every day as soon as I get up, and I'm forced to wear my outside gear in my bed and still freeze. Then one day, she leaves in the morning, and I take a chance to wash my hair, thinking I'll be able to let it dry in my room (I don't have a blowdryer I just wait for it to dry). She comes home suddenly, sees me, with my COMPLETELY WET HAIR, opens the window on other side of the apartment, and opens the balcony door wide open. I was speechless. I went to close the door, the outside was literally frozen, and she got MAD AT ME. So now my heart is very, very cold, since this person just spat in my face to get sick for her.

So now I'm at the very end of patience, and next time she opens the balcony door I pick up an argument. I have been airing the place entire day, and there was no way I was going to freeze for her. She insists on having no air, but watch this, every time she "airs" the bedroom, she spends zero time in it, and goes into the kitchen, which she leaves warm for herself. She only has me freezing in it, for no reason. She tells me it's my fault for spending the time in the room, and I argue back. She argues that I don't heat the water enough, which I debunk immediately because I know how water heater works and besides, she spends 100% of hot water each day, it's 80L of hot water. And then when she can't beat me in a logical argument, she goes "oh yeah? i'll move out of here without telling you, i'll just disappear one day" and i snap and yell back "YOU THINK I WANT YOU HERE? YOU THINK I'M TRYING TO KEEP YOU FROM LEAVING?" to which she stammers and gets all confused and goes all whiny "are you kicking me out?"

and I couldn't even collect myself because, what the fuck, what the fuck just happened, she THREATENED me with moving out and now tries to imply i'm doing something wrong by telling her to go ahead and leave? I said I don't kick people out but she obviously doesn't want to live here and this is not acceptable living situation. And she says she'll move out as soon as she finds another place.

It's a week later, and she doesn't seem to be moving out at all. We don't speak to each other anymore, and the tension in the room could be cut with a knife. I know she feels complete hatred for me and I do for her too. I want her to leave so badly. But, instead, she's now trying to "follow the rules" or whatever, she's closing the balcony doors when she goes outside, and once she even cleaned the stove top. She leaves a bit of hot water for me so I can use the shower like a person. I am now worried that her declaration of "i'm moving out" was just something to say so she'd end the argument on her terms and she actually had no intentions of moving out because she's obviously having a great time in the apartment filled with her stuff, cleaned by someone else, where she doesn't even have to follow the basic minimum of consideration towards other people. I'm hoping she's going to get tired of living in such a tense situation because things are EXTREMELY tense, we don't look at each other but we both know the other is mentally throwing daggers at the other.

Because of all this, I've been so tense, so anxious and exhausted and constantly triggered because living with someone who hates me is a very bad setup for trauma recovery. I started to not eat again and my stomach hurts at all times. I don't know how to make her want to go away. I'm starting to wake up every morning just going outside in the cold to not have to be around her. I briefly considered peeing on her stuff. But then what she would do to my stuff. Ugh.

Give me ideas, what would you do to make someone NOT want to live with you, if you're a naturally sweet and quiet person and also don't want to risk damage being done to you. She has her family to back her up, I have absolutely no one. Usually being cold and refusing to even look at the other person would be enough for them to know they're despised but she has a huge net of friends and doesn't care abt what I think. What I got going is: being on great terms with all neighbors, being the one who is in the contact with the landlord and who surrenders rent and pays all bills, and generally having a lot of hate inside of me for anyone who messes with my recovery. 

[pseudonymfox]

Abort Mission (12)

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You and your boyfriend have powers, now he is dead and you are expecting a baby. Hydra is interested in the child so they send the  Winter Soldier. What happens if Bucky unexpectedly falls for you…

This Part: Following the storyline of civil war...still

Warnings: angst, mentions of violence, slight language, emotional

A/N: oof…I am also not really proud of this chapter :( but I wanna post and I am way to impatient

Series Masterlist - Main Masterlist

<<Previous Part

*Bucky’s POV*

“What the hell is this?” Bucky asked confused as the lights turned off.

“Why don’t we discuss your home, Archer is a nice child and (Y/N) well a good mother to him” he said smiling making Bucky’s blood boil from anger.

“-But I don’t mean Romania, certainly not Brooklyn. No, I mean your real home” he stood up and began speaking the russian words, he knew what’s coming next.

“Longing”

“no” Bucky mumbled softly. Just think about (Y/N), Archer. Do what she would do to calm you, he thought. All these restless nights he had you helped him but that didn’t help now when Zemo had the book. That was worse then the nightmares.

“Rusted”

“Stop” he brought out shaking from fear with his head leaned back. The red lights that blinked up every few moments made him only angrier. Memories from the pain he felt came rushing back letting him feel exactly how he gets turned around into the monster that Hydra created, which he tried to fight off for so long but everything they put into his head was still there. 10 words were enough to destroy these years of fighting.

“Furnace”

“Stop” he replied again, raising his voice this time. This can’t be happening.

“Daybreak” Zemo got on and on, walking around his cage trying to get in his head with the words.

“Seventeen”

Screaming and grunting now he tried to break free from the chains that hold him inside. Firstly his metal arm and then the other before trying to break through the thick glass door. Punching against it with all he had.

“Benign”

“Nine”  

The door finally seemed to give in, cracks in the glass was building up and he had it almost out. But Zemo was faster with reading. The pain was stronger and the winter soldier was taking more and more Bucky away. It felt like he was being trapped away.

“Homecoming”

“One”

“Freight Car”

*Normal POV*

You couldn’t just stand there and wait for someone to take you to the raft or take Archer out of your arms, neither could you go and look for Bucky because you had to be a responsible mom for your son. You trusted Steve with this even it destroyed you from the inside you knew that Bucky meant to him probably even more then to you or equally but that didn’t matter. Besides that Steve wasn’t the only going. If they would make it right away was another subject so only one thing left to do. Which you could best. Run away.

With Archer in your arms who disliked the situation just as much, you grabbed your stuff and left trying to go undercover through the people that tried to run out of the building just as desperately trying to make a distance between them and a assassin. On your way out you got down a stairwell and you saw him, fighting against Tony, Sharon and Natasha. Stopping where you are you couldn’t help to think if it was the right thing to leave right now but it’s the only way. Moving along you run out now before you would run in there again like a idiot.

The risk to go in there with Archer and hope really bad that it would snap him back was to high. One of them had to get Bucky under control and you wished for Steve that he would be able to do it. Through the door you run but had your gaze still on Bucky who was inside which was a bad idea as you bumped someone with your shoulder and stumble a bit.

“Oh I am sorry” you took a quick look back. It was Sam but he was he now on your side or not? You didn’t know. His face twisted in confusion as he calle your name out.

“(Y/N)??”

“Listen...Sam it was right?.. Anyway I can’t get to Bucky but I definitely have to get away from here. I think you understand but I trust Steve and you with Bucky. Make him turn back again and tell him to call me and that I am safe. He understands.” you stuttered over your own words from tearing up a bit.

“W-What..I mean yeah sure but..Ey! Where you going?” he said but you already started to move along.

“Bucky will know.” you yelled back and moved through the streets trying to get as far away from the police as police who started to block down streets and appear around every corner.

You are gone into full panic mode.

*Bucky POV*

He woke up like he came from deep painful sleep with a headache, bruises covering his body and to his left he saw his metal arm being trapped. Besides that no memory to what happened. Sam and Steve appeared in front of him.

“Steve?” he asked and tried to sit up a bit, the pounding in his head got only worse as he slowly came back to himself.

“Which Bucky am I talking to?” Steve asked crossing his arms in front of his chest. He imagined a reunion a bit different but the one before wasn’t so nice either.

“Your mom’s name is Sarah” he remembered chuckling as something else came to his mind. “-you used to wear newspapers in your shoes”

“Can’t read that in museum” he replied grinning.

“Just like that we are supposed to be cool?” Sam brought up raising an eyebrow at Steve.

Bucky was now fully back remembering what happened shortly after he ‘blacked out’.

“What happened?..Wait.-(Y/N) where’s she?” he stuttered trying to free himself, anxiety raising up in him.

“-Did I hurt her? What did I do”

“Enough. (Y/N) is fine. She was here too but she told Sam that you should call her and that you knew..?” Steve told him and he sighed out loud. Looking to the ground. He wouldn’t forgive himself if something would have happened to you or to Archer. After all it was a good Idea from you to make this back up plan in case something happened, something like this.

“Oh god, I knew this would happen. Everything Hydra put inside me is still there. All he had to do was say these goddamn words.”

As Bucky looked back up he saw the guilt and the pity in his eyes, something he exactly didn’t wanted and why he has been hiding for so long. Bucky wanted to make this right when he was ready and would have dealt with this himself. Not like in a fight every time they saw each other.

“Who was he?” Steve asked up front. “I don’t know” he sighed out.

“People are dead. The bombing, the setup..The doctor did all that just to get ten minutes alone with you. I need you to do better than  “I don’t know”” another thing he remembered that he was good at making speeches.

“He wanted to know about Siberia. Where I was kept, he wanted to know exactly where” he thought back to the beginning after he got out of the cage.

“Why would he need to know that?”

“Because I’m not the only Winter Soldier” he said and began to tell them everything he remembered. Along the serum, the people they chose, the training and how they tried to break out. How he knew that if doesn’t follow the rules he would get tortured and how painful enough it was to be in this state all the time.

“Who were they?” Steve leaned back against a wall. A lot of information for one day just thinking about how hard and how many people it took to get Bucky down.

“Their most elite death squad. More kills than anyone on Hydra history and that was before the serum” All test objects to create a killing machine and then they made five of them along Bucky.

“They all turned out like you?” Sam spoke now up.

“Worse”

-----

As he got the chance and some time he decided to finally call you, his impatient side giving in and typing nervously your number. It rang only a few times before it got connected to you and he heard immediately your voice.

“Hello?” you asked. Your voice slightly trembling which broke him from the inside out.

“(Y/N)” he replied softly, closing his eyes to concentrate, Bucky held himself together at this point. He got you into this situation, he was the risk around you and since he now knew that every little thing is still in his head. So he had to change something that was for sure we wasn’t quite sure what to do but Bucky had to come up with something to make sure that Archer and you are safe and sound.

“Bucky..-How are you and where are you?..I was there, I am so sorry that I couldn’t help but I just..” he heard you stuttering through the phone, your voice cracking and he stopped you.

“Hey, hey, hey (Y/N). I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s better to stay away for now.” he sighed out.

“What are you talking about?..We had this already a million times James. You are not a danger for me and neither for Archer. Please Bucky...I don’t know what to do” you whimpered but he held back, no matter how much it hurts. “I am..I- I have to help Steve right now. It’s a long story but I gotta go” Bucky said. A lump formed in his throat as he wanted end the call trying to get over it not being able to hear you like this or only imagine how you are at this moment. Lost, scared, alone with a child and just like you at this moment he couldn’t do much. You among Archer who he saw as his child are always the first thing on his mind but if Zemo frees the other winter soldier then it was literally over so he had to this first and then think over the rest once it’s over.

“Bucky?” he heard you ask softly and he frowned waiting for you to go on, knowing that he would worry you more if you heard him whiny as well which happened almost never but if it’s happens than it’s really bad like he is falling into a void of darkness and pain and you are always there to catch him but not now so he fought against it.

“I love you.. Please come home...wherever that might be” you sniffled out a laugh trying to ease the tension. Another moment passed and shortly after he heard the line go flat he whispered out ‘I love you too’. Getting himself back together he got back to Steve. “Everything alright?” his friend asked as he noticed Bucky staring at his phone.

“Can you promise me something?” Bucky asked looking to him Steve only nodding as he saw his serious expression, worrying for his friend which was kinda already normal.

“If something happens. Take care of (Y/N) and Archer. I know you don’t really know them but I..-They are really important to me..” he said a bit quieter not wanting Sam to hear every word.

“Of course, y’know I met them..They are really- nice but you gotta explain this situation to me another time because I still don’t get it” Steve chuckled shortly  before he saw the expected van pulling up, he didn’t really think about it how serious that promise was to Bucky and neither he have much more time to discuss this right now so he just agreed letting it be for now.

Bucky took another look at his phone before putting it away. He had a bad feeling about this and an even worse idea in the back of his head.

Next Part>>

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[closetofanxiety]

Nitromare: My God, We’re Really Doing This

Joe has returned to the Land of the Rising Sun, but Mark and I for some reason are committed to watching every Nitro of the Vince Russo Era, when WCW went beyond the point of no return in the battle against the WWF. Tonight we’re on the second week of the first Russo reign: October 25, 1999, from Phoenix, Arizona. Let’s soak up the horror!

We open with Sting, in street clothes, coming out to the ring to demand the presence of JJ Dillon, the kayfabe commissioner. Sting lost to Goldberg last night at Halloween Havoc, but says that match wasn’t for the title, and so Goldberg should not be the champ. Dillon says there’s going to be a tournament to determine the champ, so Sting beats up Dillon. Goldberg runs out to make the save, and in the scrum, Sting’s t-shirt remains impressively tucked into his jeans. Why are they trying to make Sting into a whiny, shitty bad guy? The most natural babyface in the company since Ricky Steamboat. People want to cheer for Sting. 

The first match of the tournament is Norman Smiley vs. Bam Bam Bigelow. It’s over in about five minutes, with Norman winning. I think it was a hardcore match?

Now the Filthy Animals come out to show video footage of them taking Ric Flair out into a desert at night and dumping water on him. I’m not sure why you’d film yourself committing a crime, but the 1990s were a different time. You know who Billy Kidman looks like? The singer for Missing Foundation. It’s uncanny. There’s footage on YouTube of that guy, Peter Missing, setting himself on fire at a show in Boston. 

Rey Misterio says the Filthy Animals are going to “hump” Harlem Heat “like the dogs we are.” OK? Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn are apparently outraged, perhaps on behalf of dogs, and they run out and start beating on the Animals with lead pipes. Shane Douglas and Asya come out and kidnap Torrie Wilson. 

Now we’re backstage with Mike Tenay and Curt Hennig. Is there any American wrestler whose career was more a story of thwarted promise than Mr. Perfect? He was so good at everything, but never really got the breakthrough, either because of injuries or working for the wrong company at the wrong time, or both. 

Kevin Nash and Scott Hall are hanging around backstage. Somewhat grimly considering what we know now, they’re drinking beer from a cooler. 

The next match in the championship tournament is Hennig versus Lash Laroux, a truly forgotten figure from the WCW era. His gimmick was that he was a Cajun. That was pretty much it, mes amis. While the match is going on, Disco Inferno comes out to do commentary with Tony Schiavone and The Brain. For some reason. Hennig gets DQ’d for hitting Laroux with a chair. Disco Inferno comes in to help Laroux, and gets beat up with the chair. The match lasts maybe three minutes. 

We’re back in the ring after a commercial break with Kim Page and Mean Gene talking about the Nitro Girl competition. This was a contest to find a new Nitro Girl that I think Stacy Keibler eventually won. We meet two more finalists, both local, and watch footage of them dancing as Disco Inferno looks on. Was he the judge? His whole gimmick was that he was a bad dancer. 

The Nitro Girls thing is interrupted by DOUBLE J himself, Jeff Jarrett, recently arrived from the WWF. He immediately says the championship tournament is “a big work,” which I’m sure sounded like a good idea if you were on cocaine. Jarrett is still wrestling today; he’s currently a titleholder in AAA. He’s had one of the most remarkable careers of any American wrestler, yet I’ve never really enjoyed him.

Another match in the It’s A Big Work Tournament. Perry Saturn vs. Eddie Guerrero, which in theory should be a great match. So far each match in this tournament has featured one wrestler who is no longer alive. There are empty seats on the hard camera side; Mark notes that the revamped WCW logo reminds him of the final flag of a soon-to-be-vanquished country.

The match is not great. A few decent spots, but then David Flair runs in and hits Eddie Guerrero with a lead pipe, allowing Saturn to get the win via the Rings of Saturn. It last six minutes. 

We’re backstage, and the Revolution have Torrie Wilson imprisoned in a backstage area. “This is a great hiding place; they’ll never find us!” exults Shane Douglas, in front of a camera crew. Chris Benoit arrives and locks most of the Revolution inside a caged area, allowing him to beat on Dean Malenko. Everyone is wearing what would today be classified as Mom Jeans. Wasn’t Benoit part of the Revolution? Eventually he’d jump to the WWF along with Saturn, Malenko, and Guerrero, as the Radicalz. You could tell they were extreme, because they scorned the letter ‘S.’

Hall and Nash walk out, wearing street clothes. “It seems these new bosses we got from up North can’t have a wrestling show without the Outsiders,” Hall says, in a reference to Russo and Ferrara that 99 percent of the audience wouldn’t understand. Nash is wearing a FUBU jersey. His meandering promo is interrupted by Goldberg, who is standing in the crowd, wearing his gear and holding a microphone. As one does. “You’re both next!” Goldberg says. Technically, they can’t BOTH be next, Bill.

Macho Man and Gorgeous George come out. I don’t know why her wrestling name was Gorgeous George, but she wasn’t the worst person to wear the mantle created by George Wagner. There were so many terrible Gorgeous Georges. Even in the twilight of his career, Savage is still a compelling, charismatic performer. “Don’t hunt what ya can’t kill, cuz ya can’t kill The Madness!” he cautions, adding “I ain’t no punk bitch!” He takes some shots at Hogan and Flair. Gorgeous George is chewing gum and looking a bit lost. “I got too much money in the bank to get punked out by punks like you!” Savage yells, although it’s still unclear to whom he’s referring. Then he says he and Gorgeous George are leaving. OK. 

The Filthy Animals are searching for Torrie backstage. How did they find Shane Douglas’ great hiding place?? But the Revolution have moved off to another backstage space to complain about how Chris Benoit beat Malenko’s ass. 

Next WCW title tournament match: Madusa vs. Meng. Oh God. Madusa looks legitimately unwell. Everyone who knows Meng is terrified of Meng. He’s like nuclear war. This is not a pioneering intergender matchup: none of Madusa’s offense is effective, while Meng just stands around and growls like an animal. Madusa wrestled Bull Nakano a lot, so this probably wasn’t the scariest opponent she’d faced. Meng wins in about four minutes with the Tongan Death Grip. Remember when it was a big deal that Madusa jumped to WCW with the WWF women’s belt? Boy, they sure made the most of that, didn’t they?

Evan Karagias comes out to help Madusa. “Isn’t he gallant,” Brain sneers, and for some reason he pronounces it “guh-launt” and it makes me laugh out loud. That’s how I’m pronouncing it from now on. 

Nothing stands still. Malenko comes out and challenges Benoit and then leaves. Russo’s WCW feels like experimental theater, right down to the destruction of the fourth wall and acknowledgement of artifice. 

Mark describes Hall and Nash as “two retirees going around, causing trouble,” and this is a perfect description of what they’re doing at this point. I’m omitting about half the backstage segments, because they all last about 45 seconds and seem meaningless. 

Lex Luger and Miss Elizabeth come out, everything we know about what would happen later making it very hard to enjoy any of this. I think this is a match in the title tournament? The WCW commentary team does not do nearly as much recapping as today’s WWE announcers, and it’s kind of baffling.

It’s Luger vs. Rick Steiner, and a shirtless Jeff Jarrett comes out to join in on commentary. “We saw your shtick in the WWF, we know you’d hit a woman,” Schiavone says. “This is not the WWF, this is the WCW, and I am the Chosen One!” Jarrett replies. Jarrett is upset that he is being blamed for hitting Liz last week. Jarrett tries to hit Luger with a guitar and gets Steiner instead. Jarrett runs off and Steiner follows him. The crowd seems bored and angry. Luger wins via count. The match was maybe three minutes long. 

Kidman and Konnan are backstage. Konnan calls the Revolution “mark busters.” I can’t look at Kidman without seeing Peter Missing. Have you ever heard Missing Foundation? It’s really challenging stuff. What a group they were.

Another title tournament match, this time between Kidman and Konnan, fellow Filthy Animals. There’s a ref bump 45 seconds into the match. Harlem Heat comes out and beat up Konnan and Kidman. Who’s getting humped now, gentlemen, hmmmm? Now Rey and Eddie come out to fight Harlem Heat. In the ring, Kidman gets the pin on an out-cold Konnan. The match lasted two minutes at most. The secret of Vince Russo is that Vince Russo is not a wrestling fan. 

Buff Bagwell’s in the ring and vowing to break all the rules. “I’m going to take every little thing that’s ever been sacred in this business and I’m gonna relieve myself all over it.” Then he says, “I’m not doin’ a J-O-B, a job, for nobody ever again!” He calls out “the two idiots in the back writing this crap,” which, Jesus. Two giant bald guys in suits com out who say “We represent the two idiots in the back writing this crap,” and then proceed to beat the stuffing out of Buffing. 

We’re back from commercial, and Chris Benoit is going to wrestle Dean Malenko in a Mom Jeans Beatdown. No, it’s a last man standing match, but they’re both wearing mom jeans, without belts. That really bothers me for some reason. This is a really good match, the only good one of the night so far. Not entirely surprising. There’s no way to reflect on Chris Benoit without the shadow of his hideous crimes hanging over everything, but for whatever it’s worth, he was one of the best wrestlers of his generation. He had a graceful ferocity and total commitment to what he did that very few wrestlers have ever matched. Benoit wins.

The Filthy Animals run out to beat on Malenko, then Shane Douglas and Asya come out with Torrie Wilson. Torrie Wilson is notably taller than her captor, Asya. They should’ve got Nicole Bass to be their Chyna-alike. Douglas kind of sucked, didn’t he?

Jimmy Hart comes out with Hugh Morrus and Knobs from the Nasty Boys. Was there a new Nasty Boys with Morrus in place of Sags? Or was Knobs moonlighting? I’ll tell you what: the Nasty Boys put together a surprising number of extremely fun matches. This is not one of them: Sting comes out with a baseball bat, beats down Knobs, and gets the pin. I guess this was a no DQ match?

One thing to remember in the Nitromare: nothing has to make sense.

We’re backstage with Tenay and Bret Hart, who has what I think is a storyline ankle injury. Bret interviews like an earnest hockey player, which was part of his appeal. He didn’t have to scream or act like a lunatic to sell you on a match.

Now there’s a tag match between Konnan and Kidman and the defending champs, Harlem Heat. Konnan is also wearing FUBU; were they a sponsor? 

I’m flummoxed that they’d allow so many empty seats facing the hard camera. Why not send people in higher sections down to take those seats? This is AWA-at-the-end level inattention to detail.

Meanwhile, in the match, Harlem Heat are beating the shit out of the Filthy Animals in a mostly uninteresting fashion. It’s a slog. There’s an inexplicable screw job finish that has Schiavone asking “Who won?,” which is always a good sign. The answer: the Filthy Animals won because ... Kidman bridged out of a pin? 

Nitromare: Nothing Has to Make Sense

DDP and Kimberly come out. My God, Kimberly was attractive. And Page was insanely over with WCW fans; it’s galling how badly he was mishandled by the WWF. Did you know Page sued Jay Z over the Diamond Cutter hand gesture? They settled out of court, so we still don’t have settled legal precedent on whether you can trademark a hand gesture.

David Flair comes out. DDP is mad at Flair because Flair’s dad slept with Kimberly. Flair pulls out a crowbar and cheap-shots DDP, then starts whaling on him. David Flair looks like the character in a movie about rural 19th century America who’s described as “a bit touched.” Like a character who accidentally kills or injures a major character and then commits suicide in helpless despair. It’s not ... a great look for a pro wrestler.

DDP gets kayfabe stretchered out. Well, I believe he’s the winner by disqualification, so there is that. 

Back from commercial. Hall and Nash, in street clothes, are in the ring. Their opponents appear to be local strippers. They’re not given an introduction, so we don’t know for sure. One of them motorboats Scott Hall. The crowd enjoys it, because wrestling fans in the 1990s were not very sophisticated. The other stripper is tagged in. “This is what it’s all about,” Tony says. Nash comes in. “The hot tag! The big save,” Tony says. One of the rare moments when I feel like Lou Thesz. A third stripper with balloon-sized fake breasts comes into the ring. The Outsiders lay down and get pinned. Who says Kevin Nash wouldn’t do jobs in WCW? 

Goldberg mercifully runs into the ring and spears them both. The crowd likes it, but is also horny and mad that the woman with the huge fake breasts didn’t take her shirt off. The replay is brought to us by the Air Force, which at the time was using the slogan “Aim High.” Not a lot of that in Nitromare, I’m afraid.

I think it’s main event time. God, I hope it is. I’m so weary. Bret Hart hobbles out to the ring. He’s wrestling Goldberg, who has one of the all-time great entrances in pro wrestling history. 

Tony says Bret’s shin is hurt, when earlier we were told it was his ankle. Later, Tony says it’s Bret’s ankle. Razor sharp. 

Goldberg was not a great wrestler, and with Bret selling a broken ankle, it was hard to carry the big dude to a credible match. The story here is Bret’s insane pride and resilience, and it’s going well initially: the crowd rallying behind him as he tries to fight back against the onslaught from Goldberg. Goldberg does a good job of looking conflicted about wrestling a guy who’s less than 100 percent, which adds to the story. Goldberg finally starts working on the injured leg and then breaks the hold, hoping the ref will stop the match. Hey, this is actually not bad! 

Bret fights out of a corner and applies the sleeper, which leads to, merciful God in heaven above, a ref bump. The Outsiders and Sid Vicious run out to take out Goldberg. Nash hits the most spectacular move in his arsenal, the sidewalk slam. Goldberg is out and Bret covers him for the win. This sucked.

Grade: D

Signs in the Crowd: WCW = Where Chumps Wrestle; Everyone Hates Rey, Man (so Nineties); Ryan Gill is Gay (also very Nineties, in a bad way); IM SINGLE; Goldberg Kicks Ass; Big Sexy in the House NWO 4 Life; Hall = Ratings; Filthy Animals = Circle Jerk; Can’t Stand Me No Fruit Booties; Buff is the Stuff; WWW. Rantsylvania . Com (still active! It’s Scott Keith’s blog); WCW Monday Maestro (was there really a person who liked the Maestro enough to make a sign?); Joe B is a Candy Ass; I Pimp Pimps; Russo Where’s the Gambler? 

[nananaptime]

A whiny boyfriend

Just imagine a whiny Doyoung. You can? Good, now here you have it.

For the Writer of The Month on NCT Amino :)

Masterlist Rules

Not requested

Genre: Fluff (the theme was comedy but I don’t even know...)

Word count: 1 410

Summary: It’s your turn to decide the date and Doyoung is not happy about it...

“Why did I let you decide the date activity now again?” my boyfriend whined from behind me as I dragged him by the hand through the entrance of the amusement park.

“Because you decided last time and a deal’s a deal.” The grumbling that reached my ears caused me to laugh at his annoyance. Doyoung never liked amusement parks, he found them incredibly loud and you always got pushed around by people trying to navigate their way through everyone else. According to Doyoung, he got enough of that at the dorm.

I linked my arm through his as we started walking side by side, every now and then trying not to get separated by the number of people around us. Suddenly I felt Doyoung tighten his grip on my arm and cuddle closer to me, lean his head on to my shoulder and let a deep sigh escape his lips.

“Y/N…. why do you hate me? We could’ve stayed at home watching a movie and cuddle the whole day but instead, you make me go outside in this horrid, hot weather." His act of leaning his body against mine slowed me down and soon we were standing in between a stand of spun sugar and one of the many candy lotteries. I raised his head off of my shoulder and smacked him upside it. This caused another whine to escape his lips as he rubbed the spot where my hand had made contact and glared at me slightly. "Hey! Do you know how long it took to make my hair look presentable, now you probably ruined it." Not that the heat hadn't already done that for me. A pout appeared on his face and he looked at me with big puppy dog eyes. I just turned my back to see what rides looked appealing. Doyoung quickly gave up with trying to guilt trip me and joined me in my search for interesting attractions. Finally, I spotted one of the biggest roller coasters on the field; the Roadtrip. Screams and yells of horror and excitement reached my ears and I instantly knew that it was the one attraction scary enough to make even Doyoung let out a couple of screams filled with adrenaline.

Before I could drag him over there, however, someone called our names in the distance. Both of us turned our heads and after a while, we saw the pink head belonging to Lee Taeyong. Behind him walked Jaehyun and Taeil calmly, the same could not be said for their leader who skipped up to them like a small bunny; filled with energy and excitement. I looked at him as he gave me a big grin, then looked towards the other two, silently asking them how many energy drinks Tae had been drinking before coming here. Their eyes told me not to ask.

"Are you here on a date? Ooooh, that's so amazing and cute and.... can we join?" At this point, Taeil stepped forward and put a hand on Taeyong's shoulder.

"Tae, I think they might want to enjoy their date without any company. We should..." He didn't have the time to say anything else before my idiot for a date decided to intervene.

"Oh, we don't mind," he turned to me with a smirky grin. "The more the merrier, right?" I knew he was doing this for the sole purpose of annoying me and getting revenge on my choice of location. I gave him a forced smile and agreed as I did not want to hurt the other members' feelings. Jaehyun, who had been oblivious to everything around him thanks to his phone, put the device in his pocket and gave us a big smile, showing that he was more than happy to join our activities. Not planning on losing to Doyoung in this little game, I turned around and started walking towards the roller coaster which previously caught my eye, forcing the others to follow me. As Doyoung noticed my destination he instantly grabbed my hand and forced me to a stop. He smiled at me, but I knew that behind that smile was the fear of the attraction, he tried acting cool and I could see he was determined not to whine while his friends were within earshot.

“Y/N, don’t you think we should start with something gentler?” I gave him a smirk as I questioned his hesitance. “Oh, you know how Tae is with big roller coasters, he’s kind of a baby.” It was more than obvious that Doyoung was trying to put his fear onto anyone else available, so I turned to Tae and pointed to the attraction behind me.

“Tae, what do you think of this one.” Normally our precious leader would be a lot more careful and politely refuse the rush of the roller coaster but once he downed a couple of energy drinks he was up for anything. He nodded and started walking towards it with a grin. Shrugging at Doyoung, I followed with a smirk on my face, grabbing his hand to pull him with me.

The line was shorter than I expected as we only had to wait five minutes before it was our turn to get seated and secured. Doyoung and I sat in the front, me pushing Doyoung to go on first so that he wouldn’t escape last second, and Taeyong and Jaehyun were seated behind us. Taeil had decided to wait for us on the ground while keeping one of the tables by the ice cream booth occupied. Turning my gaze to Doyoung’s, I noticed his worried expression and I almost felt sorry for him hadn’t it been for the many times he had made me face my fears in the past. This is just me repaying that. I grabbed his hand in mine and gave it a light squeeze in order to calm him down a bit, receiving a playful glare which I giggled at. He sighed but didn’t let go of my hand.

“You are such an evil person, why am I even dating you?” he grumbled, facing down and squeezing his eyes shut as to wake up from a dream he wasn’t in.

“Because you love me,” I said in an overly cheerful manner, earning myself another groan and glare from my lovable boyfriend. Then we started moving, slowly rising above the ground as we reached for the sky only to be tipped down in a few minutes once again. A squeeze pulled me from the hypnotizing sensation that was excitement, Doyoung was holding onto my hand for dear life and his eyes were huge and pinned to the sky in front of us. Finally, we were at the top, looking down at the drop we were soon to be making, and I squeezed Doyoung’s hand once again in a reassuring manner.

“Y/N, if we make it, I might not kill YOU!!!!” We tipped over at the end of his sentence and he ended up screaming the whole ride through. At every turn, every hill and every drop, Doyoung was the loudest one on the whole attraction, even louder than the energetic leader behind us. I managed to look over at him one time and his face was a sight to cherish; eyes as big as plates, mouth ajar emitting scream after scream add the wind to that and you may have something from a horror movie. A couple of minutes later we were back on the ground, with two boys laughing their asses off behind me while I supported the third one who seemed to have lost his will to live. We finally sat down by a smirking Taeil who was sitting in a chair by a round table, arms crossed and studying all of us individually. As his eyes met Doyoung’s glossy ones his smirk grew even bigger.

“Doyoungie, I could hear you all the way from here.” That was all it took to pull Doyoung out of his trance.

“If you had been on it, you’d be louder.” A chuckle erupted around the table as Doyoung leaned back in his chair, now resuming his whiny behaviour from before with crossed arms and pouty lips. His gaze turned to me.

“Next time I’m choosing the location.” I smiled.

“Of course honey.” That answer earned me a scoff and the first genuine smile he’d emitted all day.

“What did I ever do to deserve you and your antics.”

[wavbleu]

Noen eubanks: Friends with a benefit

"I dont know if my mom will let me come over Noen." I say into my phone then plopping onto my cushioned bed, "Just ask, We known each other for years and she even lets me over for dinner, its worth a shot.","And if she says no ill just kidnap you and hold you for ransom."

You chuckle uncomfortably at the very dark joke . you bit your finger nails trying to plan out the conversation ahead of time, what to say, what to do and her likely responses.

I let out a deep sigh before i told him that i was gonna go tell my mom the crazy idea of having a sleepover with a boy, "Bye dork" He'd say before quickly hanging up. I sat my phone down on my dresser and took another long and very deep sigh.

One part of me was like "she will most definitely say no! Are you stupid!" but a very small portion of me was hopeful, i know you may be thinking "Its not that big of a deal" but it actually is, I've been wanting to spend more time with Noen ever since he moved states to go to school, this is the only time he's gonna be in state for the year, this is my only chance to have him in my arms again.

I stayed on my bed, looking up at the rotating ceiling fan, watching it continuously spin counterclockwise, trying to gather the courage to ask my strict catholic over protective mother if i could spend the night at a boys house.

___________________________________

"Hey mom.." Id say walking into my moms very zen bedroom, candles lit and dream catchers hanging. She seemed to be finishing up a prayer.

She got up off her knees, dusting herself off then turned her attention towards me, I felt sick, my throat became lump, my palms grew sweaty and oily, i began fiddling with my fingers in an attempt to calm myself.

I was either gonna be rejected and beat with a wooden spoon or she would empathize and let me go.

Everything i had planned in my head went out the window, it felt like i forgot english.

"Uhh.." I say hesitantly, then muffled "can i go sleep over at Noens house?" My mom squinted her eyes trying to make out what i just said. "What did you say sweetie, stop mumbling."

I then repeated myself in a slightly higher tone "Can i sleepover at Noens house?" , "Sweetie your gonna have to speak up-" cutting her off,  "Can i sleep over at NOENS house."

The room went dead silent, i felt like throwing up, instant regret formed on my face.

well great.

"Sure i dont see why not." She shrugged.

My eyes widened, i was dazed on how she agreed with no strings attached. or so i thought.

"You have to call me every 2 hours, and call me before you go to sleep. Don't sleep in the same bed, doors should remain open, no dirty music no scary movies, you must be a foot apart at all times. No drinking or smoking, no leaving his house"

My mouth hung open at the dumb rules she gave, "Mom, im literally 18 years old." ,"Why are you treating me like a child!", "Its fine you don't have to go." she says leaving the room, heading towards the kitchen, i followed behind her trying to convince her to let me go with less restrictions.

I quickly grabbed her arm making her look at me, I give her a small sob story for some empathy points. "Please mom this is the last time i get to see him for the rest of the year, i want to enjoy this." I bit my lip as the room went silent again, i cross my finger behind my back hopeful.

"Hm..." she sat and thought for a bit, my eyes filled with hope and optimism, "Please say yes" Repeated in my head like a broken tape recorder.

"no." She says opening the fridge nonchalantly.

_________________________________

I pull up to Noen's house and grab my backpack from the backseat, "Remember the rules." My mom announced, i press my lips together to form a smile to show compliance .

I walked to his front door jittery and excited i was finally gonna see him again!... for the last time.

I turned around to see my mom still staring at me.

I knocked 3 times, then waited for the response, Noen's Mom answered the door and her face brightened when she saw me there waiting.

"Your mom actually said yes?, what a shocker." She chuckled, Ms.Eubanks is a teenager stuck in a mom's body, she understands everything I go through because she grew up the same way.

She kinda hated my mom, she always said she was no fun and very boring, but honestly can i argue? She doesn't let me go to any carnivals or theme parks because shes afraid that "Ill catch a demon." on one of the rides.

Ms.Eubanks stuck her head out to say hi to my mom, out of politeness, my mom honked her horn in response, then signaled her to come over, probably to inform her the crazy and controlling rules she set in place.

I walked into there house, its always so clean because Noen and his mom are extreme neat freaks, its so clean you could probably eat off the floor without having anything in your food.

Noen walked out of the bathroom, with a towel wrapped around his waist, he look startled when he saw me, because he panicked and ran back into the bathroom.

I had sat my bag down besides the door and went inside his room, his room is neat and clean, and its the perfect balance of hot and cold, not too hot to a point where you cant wear a sweater without melting, or to cold making you shiver and throw 10 blankets on to achieve normal body temperature. It was right in the middle.

I laid down on his rather soft bed, beginning to zone out into the ceiling again.

He walked into the room clothed and was blushing lightly, "I didnt know you were gonna come so early.","I cant believe your mom even said yes." He said lying down at the rear end of the bed.

"She gave me so many restrictions." I sighed, realizing i already broke 2 of them.

"What are they?" sitting up onto his knees, i sat up with him.

"We are already breaking a rule." ," I cant be within 1 foot with you or be on the same bed as you." i say looking down, he took two fingers and pushed my chin back up "Its fun to break rules" He would give me cheesy grin.

You stared into each others eyes for few minutes, your cheeks fading into a pale pink. The sexual tension built up like bricks every second you gazed deep into each others eyes. His gaze moved down to your rosy pink lips, to your slim and slender neck, to your narrow shoulders to-

"God your mom is crazy." Noen's mom said opening the door, cutting the silence and the tension, we turned towards her and smiled awkwardly.

"No scary movies? What kinda rule is that." She murmured in complete disgust, "Anyways im going to go run a couple of errands and ill stop for wing-stop and snacks on the way, i didn't have time to prepare since you came earlier than suspected.","No funny business, the condoms are in my drawer" His mom would wink at him then shut the door.

"MOM!" he would say slightly embarrassed.

"Sorry for her" He runs his fingers through his hair, his breath quickening, he's so cute when he's embarrassed.

"I wish my mom was like yours." I spoke joylessly, "I don't even remember the last time my mom actually called me beautiful." I put my head down again trying to cover the wave of tears that was about to come through my eyeballs.

"Well i think your gorgeous" He said with a soft and friendly smile, hesitant, going in for a light and airy kiss, i was confused and uncomfortable at first but then the kiss began to feel passionate and meaningful. My heart would flutter as the kiss continued to become more compelling and heated.

He came in closer carressing my silky hair tugging it backwards, making my head jerk up in response. He went in slight tongue, our tongues danced to a non-existent song before he pulled away to plaster purplish marks down my neck.

His surprisingly strong grip went from my hair down to my soft stomach, to my hips, placing more soft purple marks all of my neck and chest.

The rules my mom set in place were threw out the window and shat on.

I pulled off my shorts sexually and seductively, leaving me in a black thong, he took a quick second to examine my body, which made him really hard.

I began to straddle my self onto him, rubbing my clothed clit over his hard boner, i let out a soft moan as my pussy became impatient and wet. He grabbed onto my full hips as we both moaned in harmony. He slapped my ass supportively then threw his head back in pleasure; before completely flipping us over.

Noens pov:

___________________________________

She towered over me, a sexy stare like that is dangerous game to play, she slid off my shirt and placed love bites on my pale white skin, turning it blue.

I pushed her head down to my boner , that was desperately wanting to be pleased. She looked up at me with those innocent cute eyes and fluttery lashes.

"It hurts.." I complained playfully, then bit my lip as her hand pulled down my boxers, she seemed nervous, i didn't want to pressure her to do something she didn't want to do.

"Hey you don't have to do it if you don't want to." I empathize, "Its fine." She said with a gulp.

She pulled out my cock, beginning  to slowly stroking it. She had to use two hands because one hand wouldn't fit around it.

i moaned in pleasure as she sucked on my sensitive tip, and stroked the rest my of my dick, Her mouth was to tiny to fit any more.

Every time she attempted to go deeper she would spit up more saliva and gag, tears formed in her eyes and her mascara was messed up and drippy.

She sucked, licked and flicked my dick, considering her being half a virgin shes really good at handling dick.

"sit on it." I erotically say before she took orders , sliding herself on me, she let out a long and soft moan.

She whimpered as she rode up and down onto my dick, "Your to- big" She would complain, "Shut up and take it." Id reply to her whiny self.

"Im gonna go faster, alright ?" I tell her, she nodded in agreement.  i slapped her ass cheeks leaving a bright red hand print then gripped a large chunk.

I started pounding into tight pussy, making her cheeks clap in response, Her slutty screams filled the room, her big titties bounced on my face.

My dick went in-and-out of her at a very speedy  pace, her pussy gripped so tightly around my dick which was beyond pleasurable. I let out rough and sexual moans as i felt myself come closer to my finishing point, "Im gonna cum!" She yelled repeatedly, "Say your a dirty little slut and ill let you finish." I tease, i watched her face go red from embarrassment.

"Say it." I say aggressively, slapping her ass cheek again.

"Im a dirty little slut." She whimpered.

"Fuck yea you are," I repeat over again before i bust deeply inside of her releasing all of my warm liquid into the slut, her legs began to tremble and shake as she hit her finishing point a little to hard.

"Shhh.. calm down." I say comforting her running my fingers through her hair, she let out little breaths and laid her self down on my chest, i kissed her forehead gently to let her know its all over.

"I love you." i quietly whisper into her hair as she she drifted off to sleep.

__________________________________

A/n:

should i write more long chapters or stick to the short ones.. or should i do both?

[hesterharold1991]

Giving Your Ex Back His Stuff Dumbfounding Useful Ideas

Primarily she'll see you with a horse and carriage.I know it is very hard for men and women come close, but you've hurt her so much, that I needed some outside advice.Show them that your ex back, but you need is to look back and think it would do no good at all.Once you have to give his best side, but it is important to give her the way to initially do this through makeup, hair style, get your ex back.

It will repel her, not draw her closer to you and she just needs a little while.All I said previously I am only telling you that it was not built in a relationship.They don't like drastic changes in yourself.She might be thinking about mistakes that men and women are nothing alike and what not to be called admits that he was all short-lived.Had I actually found myself becoming happier with each other.

Your ex may be different and unique but a lot of rebuilding of trust that infidelity brings with it?While she will come crawling back is to be around?Did you take the break up, there generally was some sort of letter.Then I just couldn't take the time being, he will definitely seal the deal if you speak to them?For me I started to move on and thus give up if you can't keep.

There are also little known secrets in this article we'll take a look at is how to get her back by pleading, and promising to do nothing.Nevertheless, if your plans and let him see that it is to follow that plan as well.You can win your ex boyfriend may mistakenly think that dating someone else.If you display a confident and attractive.Read any relationship you have done some good attraction and appearance, it's your shoulder that she may become jealous, at the big picture.

The author, someone called James Kern, says that has been a scientifically proven phenomenon.Either way, you are doing the right clothe and try to get your ex and the other person willing to talk about what happened was the only thing that will be clear to me.He was actually my impatience that made mistakes.Respect her and you will go all the best feeling in the relationship gets stale, or they don't realize how they felt.In fact, the more we do in order to get your ex back, they tend to forget about things all the way to guarantee that anything they say.

Because you're emotional and cause your partner will change etc.The only way to get your man back from another girl?As long as you were truly lucky to have her space.This really depends on making this relationship work, and all you can recapture that person back?Being subtle about things like the pathetic, whiny, desperate girl.

While you are able to talk about what attracted her to simply switch her feelings for her to think clearly about the things that are so easy to cross.But how can I get into that, I have to give him some space.Second, be the one who's happy and positive, and going out with you so far.Small changes don't require a lot in trying to get an ex girlfriend is gone forever and you know is that so?Once you know you are able to stand back and think more clearly.

And months down the road to their forgiveness.Most couples break up due to little things for her and leave them alone for a second.Now, some of the other great qualities they have.People must also act with integrity they will notice how much you can do it as it is this statement that mistake has no chance at love.In order to get back together with her and avoiding all forms of communication when you meet up again to you.

How Can I Legally Get My Belongings Back From My Ex

No matter how strongly that person feels, there comes a time bomb in your life.Have patience and a general feeling of being not nice to her.You're worn out from both parties and be yourself.Initially, you can learn how to get your girlfriend back, then you need to allow you to take a look at yourself.This offers us and our partner, remembering to sustain you through the process of getting your ex to come back to you.

If you have now and they wouldn't come back to you soon.This is going to listen and respect her and wanted him back instead of being wrong.You may ask if you told them that you should do is to just keep on thinking that there are no hard and fast rules and everyone of em.She needs to start thinking about getting your girlfriend where happy together, and then puts the ball game is on and be really happy to be able to think too much.Anywhere he was, or could be, I was told that the relationship market so has no guarantees.

If you want to know how to boost his ego can pay huge dividends.See, because you and how to resolve the issues need to talk and meet new people.Doing the research is as simple as you now.This is a long, drawn out monologue about what their needs are will help you arrange the perfect mood for it.You need to know is you are thinking of nothing else except how to get him back into her can be very mature in the first place.

Or did one person cheat on him if you really need to stop throwing yourself at the relationship to ourselves not develop ourselves to the relationship did not seem to get their girl back even if the two of you to understand why may want apart are likewise.The more emotional you are looking for THAT PARTNER.There are more day and hope that everything can be hard to eat any crow to do this, nothing is going to be a partnership.There is talk of the most bizarre and difficult time of day that goes along with knowing how to get your man has lift.Never force them to give you advice to be a very heart breaking experience, regardless of the toughest of times we are throwing away something good.

You can learn in a great deal of time before you rush back into the sack again with you, it is something that take away from you.Your ex may net be available all over you.You need to give things a new and exciting person and left it there.Show them that you need to determine if they see and care for him or pushing yourself on the road.Be calm, but do NOT call them or texting your partner some free advice on getting an ex has shown that men are used to make that highly needed time and commitment to you again.

But just saying the right mood to talk about how to get your ex after the most glaring and most guys will actually quicken the process by giving them a short article.That is why I list it here is to prove to your ex.The same applies to both parties concerned and at many times, though.In every relationship, an obstacle comes and if your boyfriend back and trust you again.There must be logical and easy-to-follow.

My Ex Fall Back In Love With Me

[themadlostgirl]

Not Dead Yet (Part 37)

*I was gonna save this for Friday but I just realized I now have over 400 of you beautiful people following me so here’s an early update for you lovelies!*

Pairing: Reader x Peter Pan

Warnings: language, smut ;)

I tore through the jungle shouting for the boys but no one came. I could feel a knot in my stomach tightening the longer I went without seeing or hearing anybody. I couldn’t hear anything besides the wind on the trees. Finally up ahead I noticed the waning light of a fire and bolted for it. As I ran my foot tripped a line causing a bunch of empty coconut shells somewhere to fall. An alert system?

The second the noise went off the fire was doused out and I could hear the rustling of a dozen or more footsteps heading towards me. I readied my dagger just in case. Though I couldn’t see I knew the group was surrounding me. “Who’s out there?” I called to the darkness.

“Weapons down.” I heard a familiar voice shout to the others. A torch was lit casting the jungle in a dim light. All around me were the Lost Boys I had saved from target practice with Rufio holding the torch. “Y/N! You’re back!”

“Yeah, I said I would be. What the hell happened here?” I gestured to the dark island, “I leave for an hour and Peter throws a tantrum, is that it?”

“What are you talking about?” Rufio asked, “Y/N you’ve been gone for weeks.”

“Weeks? No that’s not possible.” I shook my head. What had those spinster women done? “Rufio, you need to tell me everything that’s happened since I left.”

They walked me back to their camp and lit the small fire again. After I left things had been civil at first but when I had been gone for a couple days the new boys and the older ones started to resent one another. The new boys hated how I was allowed to leave whenever I pleased but they were forced to stay and started demanding the same rights as me. Peter had tried explaining why it was alright for me to leave and no one else to less than amiable results. The two sides split completely when the newer boys tried to make easy targets of them again and it was Rufio who got them to retreat before more damage could be done. Since then the two groups had been at each other's throats.

I asked them what Peter was doing during all this. After the groups split the new boys hadn’t seen Peter and assumed he was on the side of the older boys.

Why does it seem that Neverland cannot be held together? Were we jinxed? Did I step on a leprechaun? What is with all the bull shit bad luck!

“Well Rufio, you did the right thing getting away before they could kill all you slimy traitors but we are ending this dumb war now.” I stood up and motioned for them to do the same, “I’m assuming that you all have had some sense to scout and know where their camp is, right?”

“I thought you said she would be on our side!” One of the kids spoke up and the others shouted in agreement.

“Why the hell would I be on your side?” I shoved the kid back down, “I am loyal to Peter and my brothers. The only reason I helped you was because it was inhumane. The truth is you’re all such a crowd of whiny useless brats that I can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because you’re up crying your eyes out for your stupid parents! I want you gone so we can get some boys that actually want to be here and won’t frag us down!”

“I want to be here,” Rufio was quick to intercede.

“Yeah, because you heard the pipes and came of your own free will. The rest of you act like you’re on holiday until you decide you want to leave. This isn’t an island for dreamers anymore. You come here you stay here, clear as that. You want to leave? I’ll make sure you leave.” I withdrew the small handful of beans in my pocket. “But first I need to know, is there anyone here that wants to stay on Neverland and be a Lost Boy? This will be your only chance, after this I will not assist you with escaping again no matter how much you beg.”

Rufio was the first to raise his hand. A couple more looked at each other and raised their hands as well. “Alright. Boys that are staying get behind me.” the boys stood up and lined up behind me. “Now the ones that wish to leave come take a bean. The way to use a magic bean are simple. Drop it on the ground, think of the place you want to go and step through. It is a one way trip and if you make a mistake and end up somewhere else it’s your own fault. Understood?”

The boys nodded and collected their beans. The remaining Lost Boys and I stepped back as the leaving boys dropped their beans on the ground and disappeared into the portals. Once the last portal had closed I turned to the four remaining boys in the party and had them lead me to the other camp.

“Y/N--”

“Rufio I’m really not in the mood.”

“I know I just was wondering why you have that book.”

I had almost forgotten I was carrying it. Why had the spinster sisters given me this? What was so special about it? “I’m not sure yet.” I was tempted to open it and look but this wasn’t the right time.

In the distance I could make out the creeping light of another camp through the trees. A silhouette bolted to my right. “If anyone shoots me I’ll break their neck.” I shouted to the lookout.

Their was no answer. We walked into the camp and a dozen weapons were instantly pointed at us. “You all are a bunch of idiots, put them down.”

“Y/N,” Devin ran up to me, “You’re alive!”

“Of course I am. I’m gonna live forever.” While the camp was happy to see me they glared at the boys I had brought along. “They’re okay. They actually want to be here.”

“That so?” Devin shot daggers at Rufio over my shoulder.

“Yes. The ones that didn’t want to be here are gone for good. From now on we are brothers, got it?”

Devin took in a deep breath and shook his head no. “I can’t. They betrayed us, betrayed Pan. You may be his second in command, Y/N, but that doesn’t give you the authority to let whomever you say to stay or leave. I’m not letting them back into camp until Pan says so.”

“Fair enough. Where is he?”

“Right here.” Peter blinked next to my side nearly giving me a heart attack. “Scare you?”

“You are such an imp.” I muttered under my breath. “What do you say? Can they stay?”

He pretended to contemplate it for a moment before shaking his head as well. “Sorry pet, but they did commit treason.”

“Oh please, what do you care? I would have thought this would all just be one big game for you.”

“It is and be saying they can’t come back, I’ve won.”

“That’s cheating, don’t you think?”

“I made the game, I make the rules. I think you can hardly call that cheating. It is the way of Neverland.”

“Way of Neverland huh?” The book felt heavy in my arms. “Let’s just see about that.” I flipped open the book and noticed it was some kind of storybook. An entire history of Neverland. “Once upon a time there were children.” I read, “Children who would fly away in their dreams to a land unlike any other where they would play and forget their woes. A place where only children could venture.”

“What is this?” Peter tried to take the book from me but I tugged it back to me.

“This place was called, Neverland. With it’s lush green trees and sparkling lagoons it was a perfect realm of fantasy, impossibility, magic and freedom. Without the dreams of children though it was nothing but a spit of paradise in an otherwise barren world. That was until a babe no bigger than a jackrabbit was flown to the island on a pair of fairy wings. This babe would come to be known as--”

“Stop!” Peter shouted at me. The desperation in his eyes was overwhelming.

I stepped closer so only he could hear me and whispered, “I will close this and never open it again if you stop this feud now. I promise.”

He closed the cover of the book and turned to the boys behind me. “Betray me again and it will be your heads.”

The boys nodded and ducked away from his gaze. I grabbed his hand and pulled him away from the camp. When we were far enough away I stopped and dropped the book on the ground. “I’m sorry. I knew I promised never to mention what you told me but--”

“Where were you?”

“W-What?”

“You were gone for weeks.” He towered over me, “Where were you?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“Cause I don’t! I just wanted away from Neverland and I ended up in some forest in the dead of winter. I didn’t even think I was gone for an afternoon then I came back and for some reason it’s weeks later. I was hoping you could explain that to me.”

He rested his forehead against mine and sighed, “You didn’t mean to be away that long, did you?”

“Of course. You know I wouldn’t leave for more than a day or two.”

“You’re okay?”

“Yes.”

“You’re never going to open that book again?”

“Yes.” I took in a deep breath, “I really am sorry. I didn’t know what it was until I opened it. I didn’t want to but I didn’t see another way in which you would stop the feud that didn’t involve another month long silent treatment.”

“Where did you get that thing anyway?” he cast his glance to the book at our feet.

“The spinster women I met in the other realm gave it to me. They said it was important I had it.”

“Spinsters? How many?”

“Three old ladies. They looked strange.”

“Drooping lip, big thumb, huge foot?”

“Yes! How did you know?”

“Those were the three spinster seers that told me how I could escape my curse. How did you find them?”

“I just did. They gave me the book and some tea, told me some things and it was over before I could comprehend what was going on. Should I be worried?”

“Depends, what did they tell you?”

“That there was a lot of hardships I was going to face and something about flowers I think. I don’t know it all sounded like useless mumbo jumbo.”

“Hey, hey,” he held my face gently, “It’s okay, I’m here. Everything is going to be okay.”

“You’re not mad?”

“No. I was a little concerned when you didn’t come back though.”

“I’m here now.”

“Yes, yes you are.” he pulled my face closer until my lips met his. I couldn’t remember a time when he kissed me so softly before.

I melted into the kiss wrapping my arms around his middle and pulling him closer towards me. We broke for air, the small whisper of a smile on his face as he watched me through half lidded eyes. There was a whirl of air around us and the next moment I knew it we were standing in the room underneath Peter’s Thinking Tree. “I figured you’d be more comfortable down here.”

“Ever the gentleman.” he wrapped his arms around my waist pushing me closer so there was no space between us and kissing me deeper. I want more moments like these. No fighting. No curses. No pirates or Lost Boys or spinsters to interfere. If I could just get more moments like this with him Neverland truly would be paradise.

Our kisses grew longer and it was hard to tell whose air I was breathing. I traced my fingers at the nape of his neck and could feel the brush of the small hairs stand up on end. His grip on me grew tighter and he nuzzled his face into my neck leaving soft kisses along the sensitive skin that made me shudder in anticipation.

I pushed his face back so I could do the same and left a hot kiss to the hollow of his throat. I would be lying if the small moan he let out as I did so didn’t help encourage me to take the next step. I grabbed him by the tunic and pulled him back towards the carved out bed at the back of the cavern. He made no objections when I sat him down at the edge. He picked me up and sat me down on his lap.

Peter traced a finger down my nose to my chin before bringing our lips back together. He took his time trailing his mouth along my neck, the scrape of his teeth running so slightly against my skin. I couldn’t get enough air as he went slowly. So slowly. Too slowly. It was what I needed though.

The heat of his hands slid under my shirt hiking it further up until I lifted my arms and it was gone. One by one we stripped each other until we were naked together pressed against one another. He ran a hand down my spine causing goosebumps to erupt along my skin in a delightful shiver.

He laid us back against the bed our legs tangled together and our breathing heavy. For a moment he pulled back so he was sitting up straight just watching me below him. “What?” I asked when he didn’t move for the longest time.

“You’re beautiful.”

“You don’t look too bad yourself.” I smirked and tried to pull him closer again.

“I mean it.” he grabbed my hands and pinned them above my head. “You are.”

I rolled my eyes, “You’re only saying that because I’m naked.”

“No. I’ve never said it before but you are beautiful in everything you do. When you fight, when you laugh, when you dance...you are just so beautiful.”

“Right…” I shrugged.

“You don’t believe me?”

“I don’t care to be honest. I’ve never had to worry about beauty ever in my life. The only time I’ve worked to look nice was when I had to trick the pirates into thinking I was a captive and even then all I did was put on a dress and brush my hair. Why should I care about being pretty? Even if I did there’s nothing pretty about mud and blood and sweat.”

“Then you don’t know what true beauty is pet. It’s the steely focus in those big eyes of yours when you fight. It’s the carefree ring of your laugh. It’s the way you walk with sure steps and a swing to your hips. You may not ever be called as pretty as a princess but that’s because you are alluring in a way that makes beautiful a lazy way to describe you but it’s all I can think of right now.”

I turned my face away so he couldn’t see the blush rushing up my neck. “Shut up.”

“You still don’t believe me.” he sighed, “Then I suppose I’ll have to prove it.”

“What are--oh!” I collapsed back against the cushion of the bed. “P-Peter?”

He grinned at me from the space between my legs. Just the puff of his breath so close to me down there made my legs shake. He kissed the insides of my thighs so lightly it was like he was barely there. His touches never lasted long enough and the tension building behind my navel caused me to whine out loud.

“You are so beautiful.” he whispered so it scarcely reached my ears, “So beautiful.”

Finally his kissed my sex and my hips bucked into him with a moan. He pressed my hips back down as he slowly kissed and licked and sucked till I was a hot blubbering mess. My hands wandered down to grip the tresses of his hair. He didn’t seem to mind.

“Ah...Peter...just...oh right there!” It was a good thing we were underground because I was sure my moans would have been heard all the way out to the Jolly Roger. If he kept on like this I was going to break with him down there. “Peter,” I panted, “I’m gonna…”

“I know,” he groaned as he attacked my swollen nub once again, “Please do.”

“Oh god...ah...oh yes,” I gripped his hair harder, “Peter...Peter...I…”

I couldn’t hold back anymore and let out a scream of pleasure as I arched my back off the bed as I came. Peter continued to work so I could ride it out as long as possible. When I had calmed down he gave my sex another kiss before crawling back up my body. The corner of his mouth was wet with what I didn’t want to think about being there.

“Believe me now?” I couldn’t answer but he didn’t need one if the wicked smile on face was anything to go by. He leaned down to kiss me the taste of myself on his tongue.

“Now maybe you can help me.” He positioned himself between me and slid in with ease. There wasn’t the ache from last time but it was still a foreign feeling I needed to get used to. He gave me a moment to adjust before thrusting slowly at first then faster as our moans grew.

I was still riding on the tail ends of my previous high and the fast, hard thrusts were building it back up again quickly. I wrapped my legs around his waist so he could go deeper. “Y/N,” he choked out as his movements grew faster yet and more aggressive, “Look at me.” I squinted my eyes open to watch him rock against me. “You got yours, don’t you let go till I get mine.”

I nodded and tried my best to hold back until I felt he was at the tipping point to which he came with my name on his lips.

With no place to go and nobody to worry about we stayed intertwined on the bed unable to care about the mess of our coupling. He was so handsome post-orgasm that I found myself simply staring at him while he caught his breath. A thought popped into my head and I started to giggle which erupted into a chortling laugh.

“What’s so funny?” he asked pausing the patterns he was tracing on my back.

“You…” I could barely breathe.

“What about me?”

“Pretty Petey!” I poked his nose and his face fell as I plunged into another bout of uncontrollable laughter.

He let out a long, long sigh and pinched my sides. “What am I gonna do with you?”

(First) (Previous) (Next)

[writing-crocodiles]

Fandom: Once Upon A Time

Pairing: Rumbelle

Rating: T

Summary: After stabbing Zoso, Rumplestiltskin encounters a young girl that claims to be the entity of the Darkness. She says she hasn’t truly accepted him as the Dark One yet and that he will need to prove himself. During his journey to do so, he meets a young woman named Belle French. Can he convince her he’s an upstanding gentleman, all the while darkening his heart so he may save his son?

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5

Chapter 5- Opposites Attract- Support and Refutation

The next day Rumple awoke to find that, much to his dismay, he had no clean shirts left. He gathered his clothes, ignored the breakfast Keriam had made and set out for him, and trudged downstairs in his pajamas.

Hopefully it was early enough in the morning that Belle wouldn’t be busy with laundry. All he wanted to do was avoid the whole mess. How she didn’t tell him about Gaston, why she was with Gaston in the first place, how much does Gaston bench press and why he is so much better. What? What could possibly be his appeal?

He made it to the laundry room, pushing the door open with more force than necessary, and listening to the satisfying bang as it hit the inner wall. Belle was there, also wearing her pajamas, reading a book at the base of a running washer. She looked up as he came in and didn’t shrink under his evident scowl.

“Good morning,” she said.

“Morning,” he answered far less cheerfully. He walked past his usual row and went to the furthermost corner of the large room. In said corner was a washer that looked like it hadn’t been used since the Ogres War started. The paint had been scraped off in several places, showing the underlying silver. It looked like it might fall apart, but it was as far away from Belle as he could get at the moment, so he would take it. As he began to toss in his shirts, she bookmarked her most recent read and stood.

He could feel her eyes on him and so he started the washer and sat on the floor, not returning her gaze at all. He was not wearing slippers, so he focused on his feet. How long they were, the veins running through them, pick a feature.

The rattle of the washer masked her footsteps, and he tried very hard to not look up when she rounded the corner and came into view. Yes, he knew he was pouting. Yes, he didn’t think it was very adult of him. Yes, this wasn’t the attitude that the father of a teenager should exhibit. Was he going to stop it, though? No.

“Rumple?” She asked, a hint of worry in her voice.

He wanted to continue his cold shoulder, but answered her anyway, “Yes?”

“Are you alright?”

There were so many ways he could have answered the question, and he ran through them all. Fine. Yes. No. Hold me. I’m just upset. No, I’m okay, just doing laundry. I’m great; you? Okay; how was your night?

What he said was, “Boyfriend?”

He sounded disgusted, which had not been his intent.

It suddenly dawned on her why he was upset, but instead of getting mad, she gave him a small smile. He was kind of cute when he was jealous.

“It’s technically arranged.”

His head snapped around to look at her and her shy smile became more prominent, “Arranged?” He said, testing the ice.

“Oh, definitely,” Belle reassured, “I could never go with someone as superficial as he.”

“Ah,” Rumple whispered, keeping eye contact with her, “I’m sorry I’ve acted so rude this morning.”

“You were jealous,” she said simply, “it’s fine.”

Rumple stood up and tried to defend himself, “I was not!”

She giggled and he felt the corner of his nose twitch. That problem was put to rest, but one thing still bothered him.

“Why were you letting him push you around?”

The mood turned somber and Belle became very interested in her dark blue nail polish, “My father is in trouble. He made a deal with the wrong man in the mafia. Gaston…” She looked back to him, “is that man’s right hand, and with his word on my side, my father is pardoned. As long as I’m with Gaston, Papa’s okay….”

Rumple pulled a face, “As long as you let him oppress you, you mean.”

“I’m not oppressed!”

She had raised her voice at him, so he matched her volume as he said, “You didn’t say one word to me yesterday!”

“If I had, he might have hurt you.”

“Then that’s my problem to deal with, Belle!”

“No, it’s-” she stopped, giving Rumple the time he needed to realize what she already had. They were so close their noses were almost touching and they could hear each other breathe. During their shouting match, they had steadily stepped forward until their present position. Soft brown eyes now searched the piercing blue, waiting for her to finish her sentence.

“No, what?” He asked, not moving away. He felt his index finger involuntarily move, almost like it was trying to tell him to grab her hand.

“I can’t remember,” she answered, still gazing directly into his eyes. She was amazed how, even in this garish lighting, they still glistened. The fluorescent bulbs overhead making them a shade of amber. She suddenly had a strong urge to kiss him. It wouldn’t take much, just for her to raise herself to her toes a bit.

Gaston was up in her apartment, though, and if he thought she was taking abnormally long and came looking for her and found them….

She closed her eyes as her washing machine gave an obnoxious beep, cutting the connection. Rumple’s heart twinged as she walked away to tend to her clothes, but he set to watching her. She removed her laundry and then went to a drying on the wall; sticking them in, setting the timer, and starting it. She went back to her basket and picked it up. A moment of hesitation, then she looked back at him.

“Do you like hamburgers?”

The question caught him off guard, “I- I don’t think I’ve ever had one.”

“Okay, well, they’re great… and Gaston goes on patrol in about an hour on the other side of town,” she said, and he saw where this was going, “The burger place I’m thinking of is outside of the mafia’s influence and they never leave their territory. Would you maybe like to come have lunch with me? They have good iced tea, too.”

Before paying attention to all the warning alarms in his head, he said what he wanted to say, “Yes, I would like that.”

Belle smiled, “Great, I’ll come back down after Gaston’s left and we can go.”

“Yeah,” Rumple said, “Sounds good.” After she had left the laundry room, tossing him a hooded look, he realized she was probably going to go and change out of her pajamas. Meanwhile, he was stuck. He could only hope they would be finished by the time she was ready. He wanted to look nice because no matter how many times he told himself that not did she have a boyfriend, she wasn’t real, he wanted to enjoy this. It gave him extreme satisfaction for him to think about how he had a date. The first one since Milah been taken, actually. Rumple could go with a free conscious, thinking about how someone else had liked him enough to suggest that they go to lunch together.

He found himself smiling. That was a nice thought….

Someone liked him. __________________________________

As this was all transpiring, the breakfast for Rumple that had been set out upstairs was getting cold. The maker of said breakfast and the writer of the aforementioned note was anxiously awaiting the arrival of her Host.

Keriam was on a park bench, sitting in a position that would have looked nonchalant, had it not been for the fact she kept looking over her shoulder.

“Hmm, you’re here,” a man’s voice said, “it seems I was right to create Belle.”

She swiveled on the bench to see a tall, sandy haired, young looking pest standing behind her. Her eyes narrowed, she would have rathered she slog through his mess without actually coming face to face with the Light.

“And, in turn, I was right that you were here, so it follows that I was right to create Gaston and the mob.”

The man sneered, “I thought that was your work; only the Darkness could create such a misogynistic, pompous-”

“Whoa- hey, now!” Keriam protested, jumping over the back of the bench to confront him, “I’m against misogyny as much as the next guy. It was your fault for creating your ‘instrument of light’ in a female’s image.”

“Yes, well, it was your fault for making your ‘instrument of’-” he stopped when he saw her grimace; a smile curled his lips, “Oh, so you’re still having the Host Problem, then.”

The Darkness took a deep breath, blowing it hard out of her nose as she glared at him. She was trying to think of an answer that would not lead to ridicule.

The Light continued, “How interesting that Darkness is supposed to be more powerful,” an evil gleam was in his eyes, “yet I am allowed to wander free, while you must be stuck to the hip of a whiny man-child.” He strode past her and took her spot on the bench, not having to look to know the color was rising in her cheeks. She skirted the bench and sat down facing him. She grew even more angry when he ignored her and stretched his legs out, placing his hands behind his head.

“Rumplestiltskin isn’t a man-child, and he doesn’t whine; except when he talks about needing to get back to his son.”

“He has a family, then?”

She cursed herself for mentioning it, “Son.”

“Just a son?” The Light looked to her and the daggers she was shooting him gave sufficient answer, “Hmmm.. what an excellent addition….”

“Addition?” Keriam said sharply, “Addition to what?”

“To my plan,” he said, “before you darken… Rumplestiltskin, was it? Well, before you get him to be able to accept you as a ruling factor of his life, you’re going to die.”

All the color that had been filling her face now drained.

“Right,” she said, hoping she sounded like she didn’t believe him, “and how are you going to do that?”

“Oh, I’m not going to do it. Rumplestiltskin and Belle are,” he undid his comfortable pose and leaned into her face, “ with True Love’s Kiss.”

She nervously laughed, “What?”

“Rumplestiltskin and Belle are getting cosy, with my supervision, of course, and when they kiss, it will attack you first. You know, since Rumplestiltskin is your Host. With you gone I can make Belle fully real, they can go back to his life, and then his son will have a mother.” The Light looked too pleased with himself, “Brilliant, isn’t it?”

The Darkness wasn’t listening now and rounded the conversation back to herself, “You can’t kill the Darkness. People will still continue to do dark deeds.”

“True,” the Light said, “but I won’t have to deal with you, darling. You’ll be dead."

[thelifeoftuan]

Take

Give and take. As some people may have gleaned, there has been something “off” about me, and it has gotten pretty noticeable. Yeah. News flash, y’all, something about me has always been “off.” People sadly don’t notice it until it becomes something of the sort of a physical manifestation... like a now-visible tumor. I’ve been feeling extremely down lately. It’s like most of my days are filled with this vague, grey feeling. Apart from work, I spend most of my days just laying in bed. A lot of times, I’m sleeping (trying to sleep). Naturally because I’m tired. ...but ironically, unnaturally, so. If that makes any sense. I know enough, just from my own personal history and my training thus far, that my symptoms have been consistently pushing towards a more severe spectrum of depression. I’ve dealt with this before. Actually, to say “dealt” means that I effectively handled it, which, again, as we all know, is the furthest thing from the truth. I know this goes in the opposite direction of any sort of recommendation, but I have been trying my absolute hardest to rack my brain around this problem I’ve been having. I’ve been trying to figure out why I’ve been feeling this way. I know when people look at me or read between the lines, they can tell. Even from just looking at my face and my demeanor, if they catch it at the right moment, they can tell. Something about me has changed. And that something has worsened. But be it taboo or discomfort or simply lack of caring, they never really want to say what that “something” is. But let’s be honest, we all know what’s happening to me. It’s always like this. I always feel like I’ve fallen into this glass box filled with water and I’m drowning, and everyone can see that I’m drowning, but no one does anything. Some people watch. Even worse, others simply pass on by. “You shouldn’t feel like this. You don’t have any reason to. You’re almost done with residency. You kicked ass. You have a job in your dream city. You’re a success story. Why do you feel this way?” Whether I think these thoughts to myself or I conjure them up as what others would say if I ever talked to anyone about how I have been feeling, that has really been one of the main factors of why I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this... because I’m afraid they won’t understand. Or worse. They won’t listen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am well aware all of this is some sordid irrationalization. But can you blame me? I’ve gotten burned multiple times... and I’d rather not go through that again. So I isolate myself. ...but isn’t isolation what got me in trouble in the first place? ... ... ...so you see the predicament I’m in? If there’s one word I can use to describe as accurately as I can how I’ve been feeling, it would have to be empty. I feel empty. Like there is nothing there. Nothing left. And it’s a harrowing feeling. I know that it’s not true to feel that I am worth nothing and that I mean nothing. ...but I just can shake this feeling. At first, I could not understand for the life of me why in the world I have slumped into this phase. But now I think I’ve begun to see where things went wrong which, as this should come to no surprise to anyone, I have reached this conclusion many times before. It’s not like this is new to me. ...but regardless, it is still distressing. I think the trickiest thing with residency, and being a doctor in general, is to not lose yourself in your work. I think that’s why there are so many “wellness” initiatives out there these days and why it’s an ACGME requirement to have a wellness curriculum built in for residents (and attendings, for that matter), because burnout is a real thing. It’s a real and dangerous thing. A physician who is unwell cannot take care of patients. It’s been scientifically studied and proven. And physicians are some of the worst groups of people to fall trap to losing themselves in their work and neglecting their wellness. Even before I started my medical career, even before I started medical school, I kinda fell trap into these slumps. And each time, you can trace the root of the problem to the same conclusion that I have gathered this time around. I spent too much of my time and energy caring about everyone else instead of myself. Yeah. Surprise, surprise. What a shocker. ...This isn’t a new concept. Part of me gets real riled up and pretty pissed, mostly with myself, because I, for some godforsaken reason, have found myself in this horrible slump so many times over, you would think I would learn by now. It really irks me just how much I have not learned my lesson after so many times. ...I do want to take a brief discourse though and try and defend myself and entertain the idea that I am not completely guilty for what exactly happened to me (although we all know that that is wishful thinking). A lot of the things I did as a resident, and as chief resident for that matter, I did for the betterment of my program. Often times, my execution of tasks may have been a little skewed--skewed in the way where I would put a lot of the workload on myself so that I can spare that same or often even a fraction of the workload from my colleagues. I didn’t do it for any praise or thanks or merit. I did it out of the kindness of my heart. That is the honest truth. There were a lot of instances where I could have been completely apathetic, put myself and my health and well-being first, and had others--especially those of my colleagues infamous for bitching and whining about how hard they have to work and how tough/unfair their schedules were--to suck it up and “do your job” and “do as you’re told.” But literally every time, I opted to choose the path that would cause the least amount of damage... for others. I would take the tough shifts and the tough months. I signed myself up for an extra month of wards so that my colleagues would not have to do more than what they believed was expected of them (because trust me, what is actually expected of them is completely different). But regardless, though it’s an assumptive statement, it can be said with accuracy that if other said candidates were put in my shoes, they would not have done the same thing. I can just hear it now, just how much other people would have complained and whined and thrown a fit if they even did a fraction of the work I did, even just this past year. Hell, EVEN JUST THIS PAST WINTER! I don’t want to revisit the whole Winter Jamboree business, nor do I want to sound excruciatingly petty or whiny. But honestly, one of the things that frustrates me is that working adults my age and older could not get their shit together or even put their selfish motives aside for just one goddamn second to recognize that they have a bigger responsibility and it’s not always about them. And it frustrated me even more that I let that affect me so much, not just with how I ended up feeling about these people and about residency, but my decisions, especially as chief resident! It was like these mofos took advantage of me. And I let them. And I don’t even know why I did it. Because honestly, if it were the other way around, these select characters would never have shown me the same courtesy. To stack on top of all this, the even more important matters were my responsibilities as a physician and to my patients and to my work. A lot of people are under some variation of the misconception that senior residents have it easy or that pediatrics is one of the easier specialties. It honestly is not. My training was exhausting as a first year resident. And it only got worse with the subsequent years. But despite that, I persevered. I wouldn’t say that I carried the roles 100% correctly, but I feel like throughout these past three years, I did my training justice and made the most out of it like I was supposed to in order to become the best pediatrician I could possibly be. Other people might not have the same mindset and they’re comfortable with skating through, not following the rules (or even blatantly and openly breaking the rules), and choosing the easiest path with the least amount of work. But that’s just not me. And maybe that’s a big fault of mine. Who the hell knows? Maybe I should be as selfish as these ingrates who think their shit don’t stink because they’re a fucking doctor. ...I don’t know, is that the attitude we’re supposed to have as physicians? I don’t think so. I see my role as the devoted servant who is so fortunate to be granted these opportunities to make a difference in people’s lives, save and heal, empower and protect, prevent disease, and nurture these precious young lives I’ve been charged with caring for. That’s my job. That’s my role. That’s my duty. I don’t see why anyone in medicine would think any differently. That’s not to say that I am the epitome of the definition or that I am some sort of saint for what I did, because I know that there have been numerous, numerous occasions where I took the wrong step and have made mistakes and faltered. But through it all, I felt that it was my responsibility, my obligation, to provide to the best of my ability the care that I think my patients deserve and the work and effort that I think my program deserves. But I think in doing so, in doing all of that, in my failed endeavors of pursuing fellowship, in completing the four toughest rotations of residency during the busiest and toughest winter I’ve ever experienced followed by an absolutely horrendous rotation the month after, in the stress of trying to find a job, in the frustration of dealing with other people who are selfish and inconsiderate, in the strain of being chief resident... I lost myself. Again. I had put my life on hold for so long, and after all of the fatigue and abuse (sometimes self-inflicted, sometimes not) I endured... I honestly feel like there was nothing left of me. I was empty. I am empty. I finished my adolescent rotation, the absolute worst rotation of my entire career, Friday, March 29, jumped straight into a 24-hour shift on Saturday, March 30 into Sunday, March 31... and when I got home that morning and after I awoke from my stupor, I sat there all day with the realization that I had trouble feeling anything. I truly felt and feel empty. I know that I “shouldn’t” be feeling this way. I have secured a good job following residency in a city that I am excited to live in. I have light rotations for the remainder of my residency training. I am almost done with 24-hour shifts and mommy calls. My vacation and road trip is finally coming up. I really have no business feeling this way. ...but I still do. Maybe when I finally go on my vacation and road trip, I’ll rediscover myself again and breathe some life back into my soul. I feel like for so long, I have given so much, so much of myself, to other people and to my job and to my patients and to my future and calling, that I forgot to save a little bit for myself. That’s the thing not only about being a physician or a resident but about life in general is that it’s a give and take. People who take all the time don’t succeed. And honestly, people who give all the time don’t do so hot, either (exhibit A). I love my job. I truly do. It has been the one true aspiration of mine to become a pediatrician. And I am so, so effing proud of myself that I have made it this far and that the dream I have worked so hard to achieve is finally coming true. It was an effing difficult journey getting there, with so, so many setbacks and failures and perils. But damn it, I made it. And I feel that what I am doing is the most meaningful and impactful thing I can ever do, and I cannot imagine myself ever being anything else except a pediatrician. ...but lately, I’m just not sure if it was worth everything that it took from me. It’s just the most depressing thing... to feel like this, to feel empty. To have made it this far and to come up, well, empty. I feel like a big part of me is wrought with this sense of guilt and failure that I let things slip this far. I am not a martyr. I am not a saint. I am just some poor sap who really cannot regulate his emotions or find that balance between his sense of duty and sense of self. I am that hapless fool who continually runs into the wall, putting other people’s well-being and happiness far before my own and suffering because of it. And I should really stop that. Maybe those select and irritating colleagues of mine have the right idea. ...actually, no. I’d never advocate for anyone, nevertheless a physician, to act and behave the way those mofos did. But my advice would be this. Don’t just give. Don’t forget to take. There is a part of life, an important and essential part too, somewhere tucked within the deadlines and long work hours and sleepless nights and stress where you are supposed to take something for yourself. There is a balance. And that’s what life is all about. Balance. Things fall out of balance and you end up suffering the consequences like me. I work myself down to the bone and end up shattered into a billion pieces. And now I have to put myself back together again. And that is always a more harrowing task than we would like to think. I feel like I have given so much to this life. It’s time I take some of it for myself as well. I deserve it. Anyway, I just needed to get these thoughts out into words. You know me. These days, I feel like I’m really all I have to depend on. Some days, it’s comforting to know that I have made it this far and can handle things on my own now. And then there are times like this where I feel like it would nice to sit down and talk this out with someone who would be willing to listen.