Last to Remember
It took some doing to craft nine small memorials, get the candles, make the small wooden vessels, all the steps she’d been taught, without getting caught in the act. She knew Louis kept a close eye on his matches and he probably wouldn’t appreciate the theft, so she had to be sneaky. Plus candles were enough of a necessity that Mariza almost almost felt bad snatching a few from the hold.
This wasn’t her ship, wasn’t her stock to take at her will. But these were small debts. She’d repay them eventually.
Delta’s ship had made landfall just off of the coast of Whitford, after she’d made something of an ass of herself attempting to get help from a captain who’d in no uncertain terms wanted her gone. Plus she needed supplies, as one of the few non-mer on the ship. Luckily it also gave her the chance to do this.
One by one, she set the small pieces of wood onto the lapping waves with the candles on top, setting a flower beside it. If Mariza had a bit more time, she would’ve bought a trinket for each of them too. But this worked well enough. For the largest one though, she did tear off a small piece of her— his- coat. It was the least she could do.
For a while, she sat on the beach, watching the moon’s light ripple over the waves. The barest hint of a breeze blew by, so the sea barely moved at all, the horizon endless. Sometimes Helena talked about poetry, how writers in little rooms on land tried to use words to describe the sea and use it to mean something else. She’d called it stupid at the time, and it still was stupid, but she understood the urge a bit more.
“Well, I wondered where you’d run off to, wasn’t expecting a candlelight dinner.”
Mariza flinched as Delta called from behind her, cursing herself for getting startled. The captain approached with a half grin that slowly fell as she looked over the whole scene. Eyes widening as something clicked in her head.
“Oh. Did I- Am I interrupting something?”
“Yeah, but since you’re here, you may as well help me light all these so they can go off at once. Make yourself useful.”
“One of these days we’re going to leave you behind. I swear,” Delta's voice didn’t have any bite behind it, and the soft tone made something in Mariza’s heart shift, “you never stop do you?”
“Nope, I think that’s part of my charm.”
Delta rolled her eyes, but took one of the matches anyway, carefully lighting Rey, Al, Helena, and Arthur’s candles. Mariza stopped her before she got to Varan’s. Thankfully she took the hint and waited as Mariza did her part, lighting a wick for Ash, for Thomas, for Patch, for Elaine. For her… for her captain. For Varan. Her hand hesitated over the final one before she lit it and pushed it into the smooth surf, willing their journey beyond to at least be peaceful.
While it would be funny, in a twisted way, if they sunk now, she just wanted this.
“Nine’s a lot to light off at once. That’s how many were on your old crew then?”
Mariza nodded, watching the small lights flicker a bright orange on the inky black sea. Growing smaller and smaller as they floated into the distance.
“Mhm, close as any crew could be.”
“That uh, that must have been rough. It’s hard, when that happens.”
“I always knew that we weren’t going to live forever, I wasn’t stupid. We’d lost crew before. Every ship does. I guess… I never expected to be the last one standing.”
In truth, it made her feel small. Like there was some joke the world had made she wasn’t in on.
“Not sure anyone ever expects that.”
True. Varan had told a few stories, once he thought she was old enough, about the crew-mates he’d lost over the years. You didn’t go into piracy for safety, he’d said, but a chance to be remembered. Sometimes that meant glory, sometimes riches, sometimes for infamy, but that was it at the end of the day. Mariza squared up her shoulders, standing up now. Ignoring the flick of turquoise light in the corners of her vision. She had bigger fish to fry, so to speak.
Whatever this was, it wouldn’t stop her.
“I’m the one who lived, so I have to keep going. They have to be remembered by someone. What’s the point if I don’t make it? So I’ll live, no matter what it takes.”
“Cheers to that,” Delta mimed raising a glass, “and I was kidding about ditching you. You fit in well here.”
“Told you,” Mariza stuck out her tongue, “it’s part of my charm.”
“Did it work on them?”
Mariza let out a small laugh.
“Of course it did.”
“You’ll have to tell me about it some time then.”
“I might. I might.”
“Now come on, we’ve got to head out of here soon. We’re running low on coin, and there’s some good ports not far-”
“I’m familiar.”
“Good,” Delta bared all her sharpened teeth in a lopsided grin, “now let's get out of here.”
It wasn’t lost on Mariza that this was the longest she’d thought about her crew, her family since the beast. After so long trying to just survive, the extra time to breathe reminded her of the names she almost called on deck. The people she expected to see when she turned her head. The person she still looked towards, even as she wore the only piece of him she had left.
She wouldn’t let that thing get the best of her. Pulling her coat on around her, Mariza headed towards the ship, hoping for a good night’s sleep after all of… that. It was off her chest now, and that’s what mattered.
That, and making sure she snuck Louis some coin to replace his matches.
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I'm currently thinking about @unexpectederawhilesubmitting's post about the Time Loop Doctors, and as much I'm not 100% on board with how it was executed, or with what RTD's doing overall, I think I like this. I think I can live with this.
Because... who hasn't wanted to be Fifteen? Who hasn't wanted to go up to a past version of themselves and say "Hey, I know you. I see you. I love you. And I can promise that this will be better. This will pass, and things will be good again."
And who hasn't wanted to be Fourteen? Who hasn't wanted a future version of themselves from five, ten, twenty years in the future to hug them and say, "It's okay. It hurts, but it will be worth it. You will survive and you'll be better than ever. You will be brilliant, you will be fantastic, and everything will be okay."
Nobody is harder on the Doctor than himself. And honest to god I think hearing from himself that it's going to be okay is what helps heal him. Even if he forgets it on the surface (because Time Lords can't remember meeting themselves), I like to think that gives him a deep-set comfort, a bone-clenching feeling of peace, that allows him to move on.
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