#Kaz brekker is autistic

[kazcreates]

Kaz Brekker Character Analysis

As a member of an AuDHD OSDD system, it was only a matter of time before I wrote a paper on my own personal headcanons. A research paper. I wrote this at the same time as my Junior Research Paper last year, and it actually ended up being longer than my JRP. Anyhow, here it is: my in-depth character analysis of Kaz Brekker and my personal headcanons for him, as supported with “evidence” from the Six of Crows novel.

[a-map-of-gays]

Modern day things Kaz Brekker would love, a brain rot thesis by yours truly:

Rubik's cubes

Escape Rooms

Sudokus

Macdonalds (a love-hate relationship, he hates the grease but it's cheap and easy)

Dungeons and Dragons (Wylan got him into it. He thought it was cringe but got really into the role playing)

The word 'Cringe'

Fidget spinners

Reddit

Murder Mystery novels

Noise cancelling headphones

That's all I can think of for now, but I will probably add more later because my brain is rotting out of my ears.

[wylanslcve]

When will we start acknowledging that Wylan suggesting to wake the unconscious guards up before killing them isn't actually ruthlessness but blunt logic because he's taken Jesper's "I'm not big on killing unconscious men" at face value and responds accordingly since he has a very literal thinking pattern? When will we start acknowledging that this is autism?

[neptune-scythe]

Sick of people sexualizing Kanej

Like yes we all want them to heal and be okay with touch and I yes I'm a hella sex repulsed ace and don't like anything being sexualized

But like

Kanej is so much more than a physical attraction, and they don't need that to show that they love each other

And yes I understand that it's a larger societal issue of thinking sex and kissing or touching in that sense is a requirement for a loving and healthy relationship, but I always have an issue with people claiming to like kanej and still thinking that way

Sure I take these characters way too seriously sometimes probably, but they're very important to me, a good deal in part to the nature of their relationship and the lack of physical intimacy and I hate to see people claiming to love them as well and yet not understanding them

The Crows are all deep and multifaceted characters and in order to understand them you have to try and really see things as they do and get inside their heads. And I'm not saying everyone has to do that in order to like or enjoy them, but as someone who has dived into their minds and thought processes and experiences it makes me sad and frustrated to see people talking about them and claiming to love them when they don't understand them fully.

There are plenty of other "hot" or "sexy" relationships out there to be enjoyed in those ways if you want, but Kanej isn't one of them

Kanej is for the people like me

The people who want and can have a loving and healthy relationship without physical intimacy, the people who value trust and emotional connection more than hollow physical ones

And definitely not trying to shame anyone or say physical intimacy is never important, just that media portrayal focuses on that only and the other stuff gets lost

That's what's so important about Kanej, and why they're so important to me

So if you want to write or draw or talk about them, maybe take some time to understand them and why they mean so much to people before you take away one of the things that makes them so special and valuable

[call-me-chaotic]

does anyone have any jesper fahey fics where its not just the romanticised parts of adhd? Fics about RSD(rejections sensitivity dysphoria), sensory overload, feeling disconnected from the rest of the crows?

give me angst fics about Jesper being injured due to impulsive acting and having to explain his head to everyone in the crew who just dont understand because ADHD wasn’t coined then?

Adhd was known as a DISEASE around the time soc is said to be set, give me fics of self doubt of Jesper trying to ‘fix himself’ because he doesn’t feel good enough for the rest of the gang

give me a fic of nina,inej and wylan convincing him hes not useless, give me fics of Kaz not understanding but begrudgingly admitting he cares for Jesper as more than just his skills as a sharpshooter

give me hurt/comfort pls

give me more accurate adhd jesper :(

[catapparently]

Autistic Kaz Headcanons

Requested by @randomfandom-3

not proofread (no headcanons are ever going to be)

Kaz had to learn to force himself to maintain eye contact in dire situations, but prolonged eye contact still secretly freaks him out.

When he was getting his first pair of gloves, he went through dozens of stores to try each possible pair on but the types and textures of fabric freaked him out

So, he got a specific type commissioned and it has a little subtle fidget thing on the side of the index finger that he can access and touch with his thumb

He fired the first Fabrikator he commissioned for his cane because the ridges on the crow head didn't feel right under his hand and it freaked him out

Nina keeps trash talking his haircut but she doesn't know that he purposely wants the sides very short because when he's doing something alone, he's always running his fingers over the strange but comforting texture of it

(Idk how to explain it but if you've ever felt short hair on a boy and how it feels you'll understand)

I can just imagine that Kaz, like a lot of other autistic people, has an atypical rhythm/pitch when he talks

He always has to be doing SOMETHING with his hands or another limb of his

In certain situations where he can't afford to be seen fidgeting, he runs his tongue repeatedly over the roof of his mouth

He's super obsessive over plans and order and perfect timing

He always has a set schedule and doesn't feel too well if he doesn't adhere to it

This could also be from the way he grew up but he doesn't really understand relationships (both platonic and romantic)

He doesn't really know how to act like himself around other people (not that he'd want to lmao but still)

Like that one scene at the beginning of the book when Inej was there and he just randomly took of his top and started washing himself with a washcloth in front of her, not even caring about her presence

Inej said she didn't know if she should feel insulted or flattered that either he felt comfortable enough with her or just didn't care about her

In reality Kaz just doesn't know social norms and couldn't really tell if it was a normal thing or not

He did it anyway because he couldn't stand another moment of being (I don't remember well, was he bloody or just covered in dirt? doesn't matter) dirty and had to be clean ASAP

He doesn't like washing with hot water

Now that he can actually afford it he's really picky with food because of their textures

Back in the day with Jordie he had to eat whatever he could find but he hated it at first and didn't eat anything until he fainted from starvation

He HATES cooked fish. Hates hates hates HATES it. He'd it it raw if he wasn't scared of getting sick. The texture when cooked is just so... dry and weird for him. Nuh-uh.

On the other hand he LOVES rare meat. It's perfect for him.

In the winter his skin gets dry under those gloves

He freaked out because of how his dry ass fingertips felt and nearly had a panic attack

As of that day he lathers his hands in hand cream to make sure they're nice and smooth

Overall he just really hates any abnormally textured surface that he's not used to / doesn't feel right to him

I hope it's to your liking! Thank you so much for requesting.

[cowboylikejesper]

kaz brekker, jesper fahey and wylan van eck were all actually written based off of me isn’t that soo crazy (i have ptsd, adhd and autism)

[badgrishaverseaus]

Kaz-autistic, often found on ao3. What do you think?

hell yeah why not! admin is not very familiar w the ao3 side of the fandom but if anyone would like to add onto this feel free to

[myersesque]

as a disabled person whose disability is genetic and incurable i will never stop celebrating the fact that kaz brekker is offered a cure and Actively Refuses It. a disabled character who is powerful and complex and allowed a relationship w their own disability that isn't just cut-and-paste self-loathing... can every other author pls take notes

[this-world-of-beautiful-monsters]

Leo uses a cane with stars painted on it.

It was Mikey’s idea to decorate the cane, and he did the design because he’s the family artist, but Leo’s the one who did the pattern. He was a little worried about being teased for what he saw as a “silly” design, but he likes the idea of being supported by something vaster than himself, and of course there’s the Space Heroes callback because he’s still a nerd.

The cane’s partially collapsible so he can take it with him for the days when the pain isn’t that bad but in case he might need it later (some people who use canes or other mobility aids don’t need them full time). And there’s a knife hidden inside it, just in case.

He’s also autistic and likes to stim sometimes by rubbing his fingers back and forth across the cane’s surface--I do that sometimes with books or my ID card--or tapping/tracing the head, which is decorated with the Hamato crest. Or he might take out the knife he has hidden inside the cane and play with that--shoutout out the @brightlotusmoon for the headcanon that Leo stims with weapon practice.

Leo struggles with internalized ableism at times, but it helps to remind himself that Splinter used a cane, too, and that didn’t make him any less worthy of love and respect. Of course, it’s a little harder to confront all the bullshit people say about young cane users, but he’s lucky enough not to have to physically deal with wider societal ableism, and his family has always been very supportive.

Leo’s favorite disabled character is Kaz Brekker--they’re both leaders with boatloads of trauma and kickass love interests, after all, and they both understand the value of a good bit of violence when necessary. And although Leo still prefers swords, he isn’t entirely closed off to the idea of using a cane as a weapon.

(tagging some people who might might actually care about this stuff)

@princessgemma12 @leonsi @50-shades-of-cloaca @inceldonnie @floozalicious @leoraph @chazty @dg-darkfantasy

[femboykaz]

hey! do you have any autistic! kaz headcanons?

Hello!

Oooooo hello autistic Kaz my beloved. I will Attempt (going behind a cut because this got long) :

he of course wears his gloves because of his touch aversion, but also for other sensory reasons (leather is a Safe Material, and gloves provide a barrier so he’s less likely to have direct contact with Bad Textures/Sensations)

This child climbed all. The. Time. He likes being high up and it’s not just for the extra privacy. Da and Jordie used to joke that when Kaz was older, he could take over all the roofing work, he was known to hide up in the hayloft of the barn and even tried to convince Da to let him sleep there at night instead of in the house, and there was not a single tree in all of Not-Lij that he hadn’t climbed (and hanged upside-down from a branch) at least once before he and Jordie left.  If not for his leg, he would be silently begging Inej to teach him to walk the highwire and do trapeze post-CK. And once he gets his act together and fixes his and Jesper’s relationship and they just hang out together at the mansion, Jesper takes to sitting on the floor a lot because ADHD while Kaz frequently lays on the countertops, desk, tables, etc... The other crows are confused by this and at first keep trying to offer them both a seat (“nobody’s using the settee, you know” and “the chairs won’t break if you use them”) but quickly come to understand that they are both much more content like this, thank you very much, and it becomes a perfectly normal part of their time together

I adopted @randomcat1832 's headcanons that he uses smaller magic tricks as a subtle stim, and that birds are a special interest (this one is essentially canon though, isn’t it? 😂)

He ALWAYS has several jobs of varying complexity up his sleeve and ready to be pulled off at the drop of a hat. He tells nobody about these until he decides to actually do them. This is so that when he has a shutdown or meltdown, he can mostly hide away in his rooms for days if needed to regulate, and make everyone think he’s just been busy figuring out a job

He’s studied facial expressions and body language almost obsessively for as long as he can remember, trying to learn how to Be Like Other People, and used everything he could find to practice it himself (puddles, windows, mirrors, he even tried to use his shadow for body language when nothing else was around). He actually got very good at this and it’s helped him a lot with things like monitoring the gambling halls, predicting when something’s about to Go Down, and running cons, deciding on a mark, etc.  That mirror he bought with his first payment in the Dregs was used for learning magic tricks but he also used it to continue practicing his expressions and body language

He always has a reason. By which I mean even as a child he adamantly refused to do something if he didn’t know (what he considered to be) a valid reason for doing it. It drove people crazy sometimes but Da also loved how inquisitive he could be sometimes because of it, and constantly encouraged his curiosity and need to know how things work and why things are the way they are.

He was extremely punctual as a child. Da told him to be in bed at 8 bells, or be in the carriage to go to Lij at 6? He was there when that bell chimes and not a second before (but he definitely spent at least 10-15 minutes just hanging out nearby, fully ready and doing nothing else, just to make sure he wasn’t late). He’s still very punctual when he’s older but he absolutely shows up to things early for safety, preparedness, and/or control/power-play reasons. But if none of those apply, he sticks to timelines/schedules perfectly. (This annoys/annoyed Per Haskell to no end and Kaz takes some satisfaction in that. Like "boy I know you've been back for an hour why didn't you just report back to me sooner", Kaz, internally grinning because he is a cheeky bastard (affectionate) "You told me to report back at x time :) " )

While he’s great at adapting to changes in his schemes as he’s pulling them off, a lot of it is because he’s thought out so many ways things could go down and has prepared himself for all these outcomes way ahead of time. Unexpected/unanticipated changes throw him off and exhaust him so much more, even if he is able to get it together enough to make it work out (this is basically canon too, right??)

Sometimes he misses how much less noise/activity there was back in Not-Lij. The Barrel is chaotic and loud and there's constant stimuli that's harder to get a break from than on the farm. He also secretly misses the more structured routine of taking care of the animals and helping with the crops when he was younger, even though he’s very attached to the Barrel and the life he has there now

Speaking of being attached… He doesn’t let himself get attached much but when it does happen, those attachments are very, very strong — whether it’s with objects/belongings, animals, or relationships. He still has his first set of lockpicks even though half of them are broken now. He claims to be annoyed by the crows Inej feeds outside his window but he would actually be completely devastated if they stopped showing up, and it’s not just because he knows Inej likes them. He shut down and wouldn’t talk to anyone for days after he lost a little stuffed toy his Da had saved up to buy for him (he also never, ever let that toy spend the night not in his bed, and cried if he woke up to find it had fallen on the floor overnight). And we’ve all seen how much he secretly loves the other Crows, yeah? He's also just generally very particular about his space and belongings, specifically in terms of other people messing with it/them (also canon?)

Unusual perceptions of, and responses to, pain? Maybe? I dunno I just see him more as the kind of person who ends up going deathly silent when he’s in pain, and it takes more than ‘average’ to get an obvious reaction (or on the other end of it, things that wouldn’t be considered painful or induce much of reaction for others are agonizing to him) and I’ve been told this is apparently an autistic trait so. On the list it goes 😂

There’s canon evidence that he was probably at least somewhat religious (or was raised to be) as a kid (ie: the line that’s something like “he thought this must be heaven”), but I headcanon that while he may have believed in the values of whatever religion (assuming related to Ghezen because Kerch?) he’s never fully believed in any god(s) or afterlife because it’s such an intangible concept and he’s never seen what he considers to be sufficient evidence of the existence of either  (have also been told this is a somewhat common autistic experience so it can be on here too)

Reluctant to call this a headcanon because I haven’t thought it through like. At all. But there might be something there with the concept of ‘autistic sense of justice’ and that playing into Kaz coming to terms with all the things he does in the Barrel in order to avenge Jordie…? Maybe? Idk

I know I have more — and some that are more blatant in their autism flavor — but much like when someone asks “so what music do you listen to?”, I have forgotten every thought and bit of knowledge on the topic that I have ever possessed 😂

[kazcreates]

I am more than happy to ask what would be your headcanons for autistic Kaz be

so 1. You can talk about it

2. I can read about it

THANK YOU /gen

Selectively mute Kaz Brekker who gets so overwhelmed by ensuring that he comes up with every single detail of his plans, that when the time comes, he genuinely can’t share them because he loses his speech ability. Eventually he just works that fact into his “dark and mysterious” persona. Additionally, when his emotions are high, he has to deal with unreliable speech. Especially when it comes to sharing his feelings. The correct words are inside his brain, but they refuse to come out his mouth and he ends up saying something rude or indifferent instead.

When Kaz gets focused on something, it tends to take over his entire attention, meaning things like sleeping, eating, or otherwise taking care of himself do entirely out the window. It’s not always a choice, a lot of the time he simply doesn’t even register that those are things he needs to get done, the interest of the job is too strong for something as trivial as his body’s needs to pull him away. (Hence the piss your pants autism.)

Obviously, magic and lockpicking are two of Kaz’s special interests, the other being money. Throughout the duology, Kaz uses so many metaphors relating back to these three things. Always comparing the people he loves to the things he loves (ex. Wylan to a lockpick, Inej to magic).

I have a whole paper written on this, but these are the only things that come to mind at the moment. Thank you again for your ask. If you’d like me to put that paper on Tumblr, I plan to someday, you need only ask.

[theweevilofsweetreef]

i have made it my mission to rewatch shadow and bone season one and reread all of the books before tomorrow.

i stupidly have decided to start today.

my local library’s summer reading challenges have been preparing me for this moment since primary school.

[wylanslcve]

to the bone ━━━ a six of crows one-shot.

spoiler warning: this is not a safe space for fans who have only watched the show and do not want to have wylan's story spoiled for them in case we get the spin-off. this one-shot is based off a scene that is referenced in six of crows, and contains heavy spoilers for wylan's backstory which hasn't yet been explored in the showverse (I say "yet" because I'm holding onto hope that we'll get that spin-off asdfghjkl).

summary: ever since jan van eck had hired him for the mission at the ice court, kaz intended to use wylan as leverage against his father. but wylan had known from the start, from the moment that kaz had told him that he'd be excellent at hostage, that that wouldn't be effective. not when he'd been nothing but a disappointment to his father. not when van eck was hellbent on forgetting that he ever had a son. wylan couldn't keep it hidden anymore. kaz needed to know the truth. (or: the scene where wylan tells kaz about his disability.)

author's note: this work is a submission for grishaverse disability pride day by @gvdisabledpride that will also be available on ao3, so if you also see this work there... that's why :)

content warning: descriptions of ableism, mentions of past child abuse, ptsd

ABOARD THE FEROLIND after the battle at the Djerholm harbour, Wylan lay curled up in his cot below deck, waiting for the moment the sway of the ship would lull him to sleep.

Except he knew it probably wouldn't. He'd been lying in his cot for what felt like hours, tossing and turning, desperately trying to silence his racing thoughts and just fall asleep. He tried to focus on the sound of the sea muffled by the hull of the Ferolind, on the sway of the ship as it journeyed closer and closer to Ketterdam — but the freezing cold wasn't doing him any favours, and neither was that anxious gnawing in his gut.

The mission had been, considerably, a success: they'd escaped the Ice Court in one piece, with Kuwei Yul-Bo stashed away in one of the other cabins and the promise of thirty million kruge awaiting them back in Ketterdam. Wylan would get his share and leave this life behind. He'd journey somewhere far away, never having to speak the name Van Eck again.

Van Eck…

Wylan swallowed the bile rising up inside him. Kaz had intended to use him as leverage against his father, lest the plan go awry and Van Eck was suddenly uncooperative. “Wylan isn’t just good with the flint and fuss,” he'd announced that first day on the Ferolind, right before he'd revealed Wylan's true identity to the rest of the crew. “He's our insurance.” 

Wylan shut his eyes, curled up tighter in his cot. His heart was starting to beat a little faster, a hummingbird trapped inside a cage, and he forced his breath slowly through his chest — a deep breath through his nose, shattering the silence that had thickened around him. Kaz had kept him close to use him as leverage against Van Eck, but one thing the older boy wasn't aware of was that Wylan couldn't be their insurance. Not when his father wanted him to disappear. Not when he was attempting to forget he ever had a son. Not when his new wife, Alys, was bearing the heir of the Van Eck empire — a proper hier, not the defective one he’d received in Wylan. Not the one who’d turn the Van Eck name into a laughingstock.

I have to tell Kaz.

Instinctively, his fingers reached up to touch his neck. He could still feel Prior's meaty hands clasped tightly around it, his grip firm and relentless as Wylan grew dizzy and black spots slowly filled his vision. He sat up, hoping the feeling would subside if he got up and let more air fill his lungs — and yet, the feeling of his throat constricting persisted, and a suffocating, uncontrollable panic welled up in him.

He hugged his knees to his chest and slowly rocked himself back and forth with his head buried in his arms, horrified by how his breath was coming out in short, shallow whimpers as the memories came flooding back, by how the tears prickled the corners of his eyes as his father's voice echoed in his ears.

A child half your age can effortlessly do what you cannot.

I've tried everything I possibly could. I've tried tutors, specialists, I've tried forcing that stubbornness out of you and yet you refuse to be taught.

You can't be sent anywhere because your defect might be revealed.

“Get out of my head,” Wylan whimpered, grabbing fistfuls of his hair as he continued to rock himself back and forth. “Get out of my head.”

Once you reveal yourself to be defective, they'll turn your back on you. They'll leave you as you were: the wayward son of one of the richest men in Ketterdam.

“Get… Get out of my head.”

But the voice was persistent, unwelcome. You worthless fool. You soft-pated idiot.

He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes, blinking back the tears that formed a painful lump in his throat. He swallowed, trying to force it down to no avail, and a fresh flare of panic swelled within him. Someone could walk into his cabin at any moment and see him in this state: rocking back and forth with his head in his hands, chest shuddering over and over as he gasped for air, begging the voice in his head to lapse into silence. And yet, there was nothing he could do about it. He felt detached from his own body, as though he were watching himself from the perspective of an outsider, helpless against the wave of shame overcoming him.

He stayed like that until the jittery feeling coursing through him had subsided enough for him to think rationally again. Above that irrefutable voice in the back of his mind, he once again thought about revealing his greatest shame to Kaz. What would happen if he just stayed there on his cot, if he never told Kaz that he couldn't be used as leverage against his father? And what would happen if Van Eck double-crossed them, and there wasn't any good enough insurance to ensure that the six of them would get their money? Their efforts would have been futile, and none of them would get what they'd initially sought — and it might as well be his fault.

His body starting to tremble, Wylan forced himself to stand up from his cot. Just do one thing at a time. Just like his tutor had taught him in order to stop him from getting overwhelmed by the page. Stand up. He slid off the edge of the cot, straightened as his feet touched the ground. Take a deep breath. He closed his eyes, took another deep breath through his nose. Open your eyes. He opened his eyes and forced himself to walk. Go find Kaz. He assumed Kaz would be in his own cabin, scheming away, concocting backup plans for their backup plans in case anything went wrong.

He quietly left his cabin, making his way down the Ferolind's lower deck to find Kaz. He found the older boy sitting on the cot in his own cabin, staring intently at the floor with one hand gripping the crow head of his cane.

“Kaz?” Wylan swallowed frantically, his skin burning hot as he fought the words to come through. “I… I won't be leverage enough against my father. I know I'm supposed to be your… insurance, but I can't be. It won't be enough.”

Kaz sat up straighter, his free hand curling over the head of his cane as he looked up at Wylan. “And why is that?”

Something about Kaz's cold glare, his rock-salt rasp as he asked the question, sent a chill rippling over every inch of Wylan's skin. He wanted to scream. He wanted to bolt back to his cabin, hide beneath the paper-thin covers until he vanished completely. He wanted the floor to open up beneath him, to be dragged by the rolling waves into the depths of the sea. He wanted to disappear, just like his father wanted him to.

I have to tell him.

“I…” The roar of blood in his ears was deafening, drowning out the murmur of the waves outside the Ferolind's hull. That shameful helplessness was taut in his belly, a knot incapable of coming unravelled.

You just have to say it. You just have to say you can't read.

His father's taunts reverberated in his mind. Defective. Imbecile. Worthless. Broken. Disgraceful. Idiot. Useless. He was choking on them. They pressed against his throat like Prior's iron grip closing around it all those months ago, dirty fingernails digging into the skin of his neck. His cheeks burnt with shame despite the cold sweat that had broken out over every part of his body. His heart was a war drum beneath his ribs, his chest too tight, his breath too short and shallow. Take a deep breath. He couldn't. His clothes felt tight around his body — too tight, as though they stuck to him.

“I… I have an affliction.” Uttering those words aloud was enough to send a violent roil through Wylan's stomach, and he had to stop himself from throwing up. This was it. There was no taking back those words: he was halfway there.

Kaz merely sat there, looking rather impatient with his gloved hands folded over the crow's head of his cane. Wylan couldn't imagine what he looked like in this moment: red-faced, a trembling hand near his lips as if he were about to bite his nails, his eyes not meeting Kaz's.

It felt like the walls of the cabin were closing in on him, Prior's hands tightening around his throat as the latter half of his confession choked him. The waters he'd leapt into all those months ago were rising around him, filling his lungs and numbing his limbs with its icy grasp. He tried to fight against it, but the water was weighing him down, his limbs useless against the tide as he drowned in the murky waters of the Ketterdam harbour.

He drew another deep, shuddering breath.

Spit it out.

“I… I can't read,” he finally gasped, and the water receded.

There. He'd said it. He'd revealed his shame to Kaz, his voice barely above a whisper lest the sea around them carry his shame across its rolling waves and let the whole world know about Jan Van Eck's defective child.

Kaz's piercing glare was still on him, as if expecting him to say more. His expression remained as cold and calculating as ever — had he known about this too, just as he'd known about Wylan's true identity? Did Wylan have any tells that gave away his shame — his face growing pale at the sight of the tangled scrawl of words across a page, staring at it for too long hoping that he'd recognise the shapes of the words? Or had Kaz been surprised? Had this been the one thing he hadn't seen coming? His gaze was piercing and unreadable, but Wylan sucked in another breath and continued, trying to keep his voice steady.

“It's not that no one tried to teach me, lots of people did. But I just can't do it. It's like something in me refuses to do it.” That was what his father used to drill into him throughout his childhood, and the memory filled him with a sickening dread.

“I'm…” Wylan moistened his lips thoughtfully, trying to phrase his next words carefully without having the entire shameful story out in the open. The story of his father sending him away, supposedly to study music in Belendt. Of his Miggson and Prior trying to kill him, of him leaping into the murky canal with nothing but his satchel, fake enrolment papers and a soaked-through stash of kruge. “To him, I'm not worth losing. You can't use me as leverage if I'm not good enough insurance. There has to be another way around this, because this won't work. I know it won't.”

Kaz averted his gaze thoughtfully, then shrugged before standing up, leaning on his cane. That was his only response — a shrug. Had Wylan not been so afraid, so shaken by that shameful helplessness, he would have burst out laughing: he'd just revealed his defect to Kaz Brekker — the Bastard of the Barrel, the boy they called Dirtyhands in the grimy streets of the Barrel — and he'd merely shrugged. Shouldn't he be concerned with what to do with Wylan, now that he'd found out that his demolitions expert was just a useless fool evicted from his father's home?

“We'll have to work around that, then,” Kaz responded in that low, raspy voice. His eyes met Wylan's, boring into him as though searching for some semblance of worth within him, something that would compensate for his other failings. A pinprick of discomfort shot up Wylan's spine at the prolonged eye contact, but Kaz's eyes left his as he scanned Wylan from the top of his head down to the tips of his toes and back up again.

Wylan just stood there, completely stunned. He'd expected Kaz to sneer at him, or laugh at his affliction and refuse to give him his share of their reward once they'd reached Ketterdam. He'd expected the knot in his stomach to tighten, the shame growing, but he felt it loosen ever so slightly with the odd sense of relief and liberation that came with revealing his condition to Kaz.

“And how do you suppose we do that?” Wylan asked, his voice a low croak. “What other leverage could we possibly use?” 

Kaz looked towards the door of his cabin, then back at Wylan. Kaz Brekker saw the world as though it were a puzzle, and he studied Wylan like he was a piece of that puzzle that didn't fit where he'd thought it would — but now, it seemed, he'd found another place he could slot that piece into without having to tear the entire project apart. “Lest Van Eck double-crosses us, we'll have to stop him from getting what he wants.”

Wylan's brow furrowed. “And how, exactly, would we do that?”

“Nina's a passable Tailor at best — but, under the influence of parem, she could achieve something that shouldn't be possible. Not even in the hands of the most gifted Tailor.” Wylan swallowed thickly as Kaz continued. “We'll have her tailor you to look like Kuwei, and hand you off to your father.”

Wylan's heart stuttered at that. He was no stranger to Kaz's elaborate and unbelievable schemes — after all, they'd stolen a tank from a high-security prison — but this was different. This was absurd. Wylan agreeing to be tailored to look like Kuwei was a death wish: the Shu boy was valuable, certainly with large bounties on his head. He held the secret to the world's greatest threat, one that could wreak havoc if it fell into the wrong hands. Wylan could have refused — he should have refused, if he wanted to make it back to Ketterdam alive. Instead, he cleared his throat and responded with an assertive, “I'll do it.”

For a split second, a surprised look flashed in Kaz's eyes, but disappeared as quickly as it came. He expected me to refuse, Wylan thought as his cheeks heated with embarrassment once again.

“It may be permanent,” Kaz warned him.

Wylan shook his head. “I need to know. Once and for all, I need to know what my father really thinks of me.”

Kaz cast him an almost pitying look. “Surely Van Eck would have some qualms about ending your life—”

“He wouldn't,” Wylan asserted, picking at the skin of his lip, that ill feeling returning as the reality dawned on him. Van Eck had tried to kill him once, what would stop him from trying again? “I'll bet you that.”

“How much?”

“Ten kruge.”

Kaz's lip curled in a grin. “Surely your father wouldn't be so callous.”

Wylan shrugged. “You'd be surprised.”

“Nothing surprises me, merchling. That's why I'm still alive.” Kaz walked past Wylan and made his way to the cabin's entrance. “I'm going to fill Nina in on the plan. Go to her cabin within the hour.”

Wylan nodded as Kaz left the cabin, leaving Wylan alone with nothing but his own racing thoughts. When he'd finally gotten himself to move, he walked back to his own cabin and propped himself down on his cot, his body still trembling with the aftermath of confessing his greatest shame to Kaz. His fingers itched the way they always did whenever he yearned to play his flute or the piano in the music room of his father's house. Ghezen and his works, he wanted nothing more than to snatch his satchel up from the foot of his cot and grab his flute. He wanted to close his eyes and bring the instrument to his lips, letting the world disappear around him as the notes wrapped him in his own story — one free of the shame and fear he'd carried for so long, one that made his heart flutter with joy as the music flooded a soothing warmth through him. But he couldn't bring himself to even glance in the direction of his satchel.

He thought back to Kaz's unchanged expression at his admission, the light, dismissive shrug of his shoulders. The shame still gnawed at Wylan, but there was also the strange relief of getting something off his chest despite it, as though telling Kaz had freed something in him — something that had been encased in the chains of his father's contempt for as long as he could remember.

It's not too late to decline, pressed that voice in the back of his mind.

He shook his head assertively — if this is what had to be done to ensure the crew got their money, then so be it. And yet… he was terrified and horribly anxious.

He looked down at his hands, his eyes tracing over the creases of his slender fingers, the little scars with no clear origin along his skin, the crescent outlines on his palms from digging his nails into them. Within the hour, they weren't going to be his hands anymore — they'd be Kuwei's. Slowly, he buried his face in his hands, sighing deeply as his fingers raked through the tufts of hair that brushed his forehead. The face in his hands wouldn't be his anymore, and neither would the hair between his fingers. With Nina's power, he'd soon become the most valuable person in the world. He was terrified, but that wouldn't stop him from doing what he needed to. From ensuring that he and the rest of this crew got their money.

From finally learning what his father truly thought of him.

Van Eck had made it clear as Wylan grew up that there was no space for his son in his household. He'd made it clear that he wanted Wylan disappear for as long as it took him to forget that he ever had a son. And yet, a part of him hoped that maybe he'd misunderstood everything. That his father did indeed love him unconditionally just as any father loved his child.

Wylan lifted his head from his hands and started gnawing at his thumbnail. He wouldn't know for certain until the rest of Kaz's plan was carried out, when his face and name were no longer his.

[owtenen]

new hyperfixation just dropped (the crows in shadow and bone)

[emaspin]

Book characters I think are autistic, as an autistic person. part 1

Neil Josten

Jude Duarte

Julian Blackthorn

Kaz Brekker

Feel free to add :)